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I have read chapter one and this is my primary takeaway:
(But also I enjoy your environmental descriptions, the backstory intrigue hints, and Neo and Novo being such present and distinct personalities, would definitely like to read more when I get the chance)
Right out of the gate, I love the chapter name. Nothing personal, of course. But personal preference aside, "blue" is a really striking and memorable chapter name, especially because Wes's titledrop is so effective. I think it's the only chaptername I remember.
The chapter has six parts to it. First we focus on a until now unknown Ein, then Rui gives a recap of the latest timeskip in datalog form. From there, she marvels at Wes a bit, which is interrupted by Lon acting up. After sorting that out, they move out on the streets, where they hang around for a bit and continue their convo from earlier. Then the chapter ends on an action cliffhanger.
The opening is intriguing, as it takes us to a completely unfamiliar setting. I think this is also the first time that Cipher, the other villainous team is even mentioned. So far we've only been dealing with Snagem. And damn, does Cipher assert dominance here. Very effective, and very distinct voice, with a lot of inner annotations and quips from Ein that are not your usual writing style. As such, it feels very unfamiliar and eerie.
I was briefly confused however with the dialogue tags. For a hot second it looked like Gonzap actually belonged to Cipher and Ein to a third party.
"Don't you 'dearest Gonzap' me," the man hissed. He drew himself up to his full height and crossed his arms, evidently trying to appear as large and menacing as possible. Not that it worked; muscles could only get one so far when they were directed by such pitiful intellect. "What the hell is this about not encroaching on Cipher's territory?"
This was the passage I was thinking about. It sounds like Gonzap is angry with Ein for encroaching on Cipher's territory, which would imply that Gonzap is on Cipher's side.
But now, in hindsight, I get it. Gonzap is furious about a memo he received that told him to stay the fuck out of this.
Fast forward to the scene with Lon. Again, kudos to you for spotlighting the different angles of trauma so well, even the ones that are not pleasant to watch. Lon is lashing out against the other kids, unable and unwilling to bond with them or even generally open up. And since he's at it, he uses his snide tongue to hurt Marci and Secc to make himself feel powerful.
When Rui dissolves the situation, all I want to do is to cuddle Lon, but I'm pretty sure he'd only make snide remarks about that too. He's still got a long way to go.
It goes right back to when I said I like Kona's compulsive scratching. It's a sign of inner turmoil, but it's not as common or "poetic" as Maku's staring out the window and thus gets overlooked more often. Spoiler for Dexter Season 1, who picked up on that theme: The serial killer dexter is hunting down throughout the season turns out to be his own biological brother, who is about two years older than him. They had both experienced the same trauma, but Dexter, being a sweet one-year-old boy, got adopted into a nice and loving family, while he, with his three years, reacted a bit less cute; less broken-but-fixable and ended up in the foster system. I always have to think about that injustice when I see "difficult" cases like Kona and Lon getting shoved to the side.
Now, on for the cake that this chapter is: Wes and Rui!!! Oh gosh, so sweet. I could read that forever. I love it. Moar please. So the next nitpicks are really really small nitpicks, don't worry too much about them.
Rui seeing the quite literal halo around Wes when she looked over felt a bit... too much? Like, I never got the feeling that she was even considering him romantically interesting, but in this chapter, she already has a huge crush on him. Then again, I'm certainly not an expert in having crushes and being in relationships lol. Maybe it's just her hormones acting up. At certain times, I cry at the sight of a caterpillar.
Then, in the latter part of their first interaction, Rui starts talking down on herself really harshly. I don't know if that was your own gremlins coming through or if I should be worried that Rui has the same, but I felt for the poor girl.
Other than that, the scene is really heartwarming. Wes goes completely dumb when friendship is on the table and I love it. At that point, even Nani has more social awareness than him, I think. But, to his credit, he has some nice combacks up his sleeve later in the cafe, even though he's on uncharted territory.
The one scene where Rui looks up to the sky is basically an image burnt into my memory. I don't know what it is, but it is such a nice scene.
And then you dare end the chapter on a bad note!!! I mean, it works brilliantly, but still... grrrr...
As for craft, there's not much to complain imo. There was one instance of sentences beginning with the same word back to back, that stood out to me, but nothing much else. This here:
He and Lon froze. Rui heard Marci gasp. Rui glanced at the girl and her brother and hastily gestured for them to leave; they scurried off quickly through the secret door.
Paying close attention to your writing style, I think I get what you meant when you said that I could show Hana's emotions a bit better. I can't quite put my finger on what exactly it is, but Rui is definitely a very emotional person without having to label every emotion.
So yee, that would conclude my thoughts on "Blue". Sadly not much constructive stuff to say, because it's pretty close to being a perfect chapter. It is one of my favorites after all. Hope you get back in the groove soon, to let Wes kick some Cipher ass!
For the Smeargle Swap, I wanted to draw some down time with the gang where nothing is going wrong and everything is okay (unless you don't like espeon tail in your face). Things will probably stay this way the whole fic, and everyone will be happy, I'm sure of it.
Hello yes, I am here to attempt to express just how much I loved chapter 13. The short version is: enough that I got inspired to draw an art of it!
But also, let me try and get this across with some words. What really hit me so hard from reading this chapter was the realisation that Neo and Novo aren't just Wes's family and his only companions - they essentially function as his coping mechanisms.
Wes is so, so lucky to have ended up taking in these two good little furballs, because I genuinely don't think he'd have got through his hellish upbringing at Snagem with his sense of decency as vaguely intact as it still is without them. We've seen enough of the other Snagem members, even the ones around Wes's age, to know how awful and cruel a lot of them can be. There's no way that's because they're just inherently Bad People; it's because the horribly abusive environment they grew up in forced them to become like that in order to survive. But Wes never had to twist himself to be quite as awful as a lot of the others, because he had his Eeveelutions to help him cope - Neo to give him some vague semblance of joy through his antics, Novo to protect him from getting hurt as best he could.
I think a lot of why things work is this way and why this tugs at my heartstrings is that, because they're just Pokémon, Neo and Novo don't properly understand the horribly abusive culture of Team Snagem that Wes has grown up in and accepts as normal without question. Wes is used to never being happy; Wes is used to constantly getting hurt and beaten up by people. That's just how life is for him, to the point that he sees no reason to try and change or fight against that. But Neo and Novo do. Why shouldn't their trainer get to laugh and be happy? Why should he have to keep getting hurt? It's not fair! If Wes won't, then they'll do everything they can to make things better for him and give him at least a tiny bit of the happiness and safety that every goddamn living thing deserves. I love that so much. In order to be able to survive, Wes had to bury the parts of himself that wished things were better for him, so deep down inside him that he's practically forgotten they exist. But they're still there and being expressed anyway, in the form of his Eeveelutions. They are so so good and important to Wes being who he is and I love them so much.
So, while it seems a lot of other readers' thoughts on this chapter have been a relatively indifferent "hey cute backstory I guess", I for one feel like this is a very powerful chapter you have on your hands here. It's to the point that it's placing in the story is something I feel could be worth considering more, if you were already thinking about restructuring things to rework the pacing of this arc. I noticed another reviewer also mention that this chapter feels a little bit thematically unrelated to the rest of what's going on at this point in the story, and I kind of agree; I get the impression that main reason you put this chapter here was just because Wes happened to mention the short version of their evolution stories in the present in chapter 12. But this is so much more than just an incidental flashback to expand on those offhand descriptions.
You've no doubt been putting a lot of thought into the placement of each of your Wes flashbacks in terms of the information they give and their relevance to what's going on in the present of the story, while also leaving gaps and keeping us guessing. Most of the time, when Wes has vaguely hinted at something from his past, you keep the intrigue and don't immediately follow it up with a flashback showing us exactly what happened! This chapter deserves that kind of thinking too, because while it's not a Wes POV flashback, it nonetheless teaches us something very important about Wes, at least in my opinion. It's fantastic enough in isolation, but it'd really be just extra exquisite if it came somewhere in the story where the revelation I described myself having from it would have the maximum impact. And of course it also shows us probably the most important life-defining moments for Neo and Novo themselves, such that it'd work great in conjunction with any moments from them in the present story that are relevant to the idea of how much they're devoted to helping Wes.
...But! This is all just a suggestion for you to think about, if you were thinking about restructuring things in this arc. I don't want you to fret so much over this that it kills your momentum to get further in the story, because really, everything is still very solid as it is, this chapter is delightful regardless of its placement, and I want to see MORE.
Since I'm still not done gushing about this chapter, time to get a little more into the specifics of what happens in it and each of these lovely Eeveelutions.
First, Neo! Precious baby who falls out of a tree and then evolves from the sheer joy of seeing his trainer laugh, what a dork. Which is super heartwarming on the surface, but also, how heartbreaking (and yet not even unexpected, really) is it that Wes had literally never laughed before, guh, this poor kid. And I also love the irony that we know Wes has no idea that this is why his Espeon evolved. Does he even know that Eevee evolve into Espeon and Umbreon through happiness? ...Though I suppose it's not necessarily always happiness in this universe so much as some rush of any really powerful emotion, based on how it happened for Novo.
Though Neo's regular POV scenes usually present things like his motives are rather adorably self-absorbed, this chapter and how important Wes's happiness is shown to be to him makes me wonder if part of the reason he acts like such a brat all the time is because he knows it's liable to make Wes crack a smile here and there. I bet that's part of the reason Neo took such a liking to Rui, too: not just because she's a sucker who spoils him rotten, but also because he can sense that with her around, Wes might gradually find more reasons to smile.
I don't have too many more elaborate Feelings about Neo's scene other than these. It's adorable, and it works exactly as it needs to to have Novo's scene be a much darker parallel of it. Novo's scene is fantastic on its own and very My Buttons(TM), but it hits even harder in conjunction with Neo's.
See, I know a lot of your readers seem to like Neo the best, but consider me very much Team Novo, especially after this chapter. Neo is great, too, I love his attitude and his antics, but NOVO. He PROTECC. He protecc, always. I adore how every fibre of his being is devoted to keeping Wes safe, from anyone who might try to hurt him, and even from his own nightmares. (I don't think Umbreon can even learn Hypnosis, but you know what? I also don't care, because I love that that's a thing Novo's taken it upon himself to do for Wes. Maybe after one too many nights of helplessly watching Wes toss and turn from nightmares, Novo spontaneously taught himself that move that Umbreon shouldn't even be able to use out of sheer devotion and determination to find a way to help. I could buy that.)
Novo couldn't sense emotions as acutely as his brother could, but he didn't need to, at least not with his Trainer. Two years with the boy had taught him everything about his mannerisms and emotions; he knew exactly how he was feeling at any given moment just by observing his body language, his voice, the changes in his eyes.
!!!! That "rarely" nonetheless means more than once, which means Wes has started to laugh a little bit more since Neo evolved! Awww. Neo's evolution really must have sparked a realisation in him of how badly he wants to make Wes happy, and so now I bet he goes out of his way to try and do so like he never quite did as an Eevee. What a good kitty.
Novo stepped in front of his Trainer, baring his teeth and fluffing out his fur as far as he could. "Veeeee!"
I love that image; a tiny fluffed-up Eevee really isn't a very threatening sight at all, but Novo does not care. HE IS BEING AS FIERCE AS AN EEVEE CAN BE.
His hands were curled into fists at his sides now as he openly glared at Sage.
Again, I love that this is the kind of detail that Novo notices.
He struggled to his paws and lurched forward with a wail, but he was too slow, too late.
Blood sprayed across the rusty surface of the motorbike. Red spattered onto the sand. Novo heard his Trainer scream in agony, heard the boys' raucous laughter, heard Sage howl, "Let's go again, shall we?"
I really like the way you pull a discretion shot here and don't actually describe the blow happening. It leaves room for us to imagine how bad it is ourselves, which I think gives it more impact than any words ever could. It even perhaps gives the sense that Novo can't bear to think about the moment he saw it happen - or maybe that he looked away as it did (but didn't want to admit that fact to himself, because that'd be essentially failing Wes by not watching him at all times, right?)
Love this line, too. Powerful choice of verb that really gets across the intensity of Novo's emotions (which is, presumably, what triggers him to evolve right here, so it's vital to make that hit hard and it does).
I also just love how Novo's so wrapped up in his fury and his desperation to protect and avenge Wes that he doesn't even notice he's evolved until his ensuing rampage ends. He's so determined to fight and make those bastards PAY that he literally doesn't even care what species he is right now.
I didn't pick up on it myself - I assumed the "dark energy" was just from him being Dark-type now - but I noticed another reviewer note that Novo's attack on the thugs sounds a lot like it could have been a Shadow Rush? If it was, that's really neat, and something I hope gets explored more sometime: that you don't necessarily need to be a Shadow Pokémon to be able to produce that kind of furiously brutal assault. There's intriguing implications there.
Love the fact that Novo was being brutal enough that Wes actually had to call for him to stop. The poor kid was in huge pain and shock from the beating he'd just taken and must have appreciated beyond words that Novo protected him from having to go through more, but it seems like it nonetheless freaked him out to see his friend go that far. I love that Novo was furious enough that he went that far.
(He probably would have killed them if Wes hadn't stopped him, wouldn't he?)
Blood was streaming from his mouth and nose, but most concerning was the horrifying gash across the boy's face that ran from one cheekbone to the other.
Ah, so that's how Wes got that scar that he later covered up with his tattoo. I like how that very thing that's such a big indelible part of Wes's appearance now is also the cause of Novo's evolution and an even more indelible part of who he is today.
Wes gave him a shaky grin and rubbed his now significantly longer ears. "You...finally evolved..." His words came in painful gasps.
Awww, even despite all the pain he's in, Wes is taking a moment to be happy for his friend. (Or, you know, it's because he's not allowed to show pain at all and so here's something else he can focus on.)
"Briii?" Novo whined and nuzzled his Trainer's face. He heard a tiny, pained sob escape from the boy. A hand gripped the fur tightly around the Umbreon's shoulders.
"Are...are they...are they gone?" Wes' voice was little more than a shaky whisper.
Guh, it hurts to see Wes being so vulnerable. Knowing what things are like for him (weakness means death!), you know things have to be really, really bad for him to be willing to showing any kind of weakness at all. His "are they gone?" is so unlike him, because it's him actually admitting on some level that he's scared of those guys and he wants them gone so they can't hurt him any more. And yet, what's even worse is the fact that what he probably really means with it is, since he's starting to cry and can't stop himself, he needs them to be gone because he can't let them see him cry. Aaaa, Wes, you poor traumatised kid, you don't deserve any of this.
But at least he can let himself cry around Novo; of course his Eeveelutions are the only creatures in the world he feels safe enough to be vulnerable around, if he absolutely needs to be. They're so good, this little family, just trying to support each other as best they can through an awful situation, I love them.
He would do anything, be anything, go anywhere, if he could hear that sound more often.
I love how you have both Neo and Novo's (near-)final lines in their scenes share this same wording. It really helps emphasise how both of them evolved for this same, parallel reason of desperately wanting to help their trainer in their different ways, to the point that it utterly defines who they are from here on out. They really will be anything for him, indeed, in more than just their species.
(Actually, hm, I really do think the "be anything" is the most powerful part of those sentences; maybe if you were thinking of doing some edits, you could reorder those three verb phrases to put that one as the last one, in order to give it the most impact?)
So anyway, yes, chapter 13 is my favourite chapter of the fic so far, Neo and Novo best Eeveelutions and best possible companions for Wes, I love them.
I hope to maybe possibly get around to throwing out some thoughts about some of the other chapters (I am all caught up!) eventually, not necessarily in any sensible order, just whenever the mood strikes me. No promises on exactly when, because it can be tricky to find the energy and focus to do something like this, but I love this story and have a lot of Thoughts that I hope to express sometime. I'll particularly try to focus on articulating my thoughts on the pacing of the current arc, since that's something you've mentioned being unsure about - though the short version is that I'm not finding it as much of an issue as some people seem to be!
For now at least, the gist of my overall thoughts on the fic is that I am absolutely digging how TRAUMATISED everybody is - especially Wes, but not only him. This really is a story about all these different people and Pokémon dealing with massive amounts of trauma (and probably gaining even more of it throughout the course of the story), and that is so exceedingly My Jam, I am here for all of it. Consider me a Fan.
HEY YELLOW, I am so sorry for my delayed catnip, I am the fucking worst :') However, I'm here, back at it again with OSAS!! I actually wanted to keep reading SO FUCKING BADLY, because chapter 8 was such a CLIFFHANGER, but I'm saving it for Blitz...with that being said, lets get on with this.
It's been a hot minute since I've read, but after skimming the previous chapters I remember where we left off (me screaming about Noctis angst HAHAHA). Anyway, this chapter was LIT. AS. HELL. Really, honest to gods, I didn't have very many critical thought on it. Your characterization was on point, both for our main duo and for the randos we ran into, the little battle scene with the shadowy Noctowl was iconic, and we got a little more into why Rui is Like This(TM). All around just a solid chapter, really well done! I GUESS, in the grand scheme of things, my only complaint is the lack of Neo and Novo interactions lmfaoooooooooooo. The chapter doesn't need them, of course, but...I love them and have a need. Sue me!
I will say, as a storyteller myself, I knew damn well that as soon as the Chief came out and Wes was like "He don't know me I'm good," that a giant SIKE was coming around the corner. Though, I'm very curious about the name the Chief called him by...Snagger Leo??? Wes did think about having his "Snagem Identity" found out, so like...was Wes operating at Snagem under a different name? These are wild times, wild times indeed.
I'm sorry I couldn't add more to this, but honest to the gods, I have like no critiques for you. I really enjoyed this chapter and think it was damn near perfect, honestly. I did point out some line edits below, but that's quite it. You're doing great, sweatyyyyy :D
Anywho, I'ma be back for Blitz! Until then, I leave you with LINE EDITS, and a GOODNIGHT, and another I'M SORRY.
So I KNOW what you were trying to say here, but the switch of focus from his "attention" to his "tone" read weird. I'd rec splitting this up into "He turned his attention back to Rui. 'So?' he asked in a deadpan tone."
The amount of SUGGESTIVE SIDE EYES I did this chapter. Wes, two chapters ago you wanted her to shut the fuck up and now you're tryna keep it going??? JUST ADMIT YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON HER, GODDAMN.
And then, partially out of habit, but largely out of smug pettiness, he hit the gas and launched the bike out into the sands. Wes thought he heard Rui yelp over the bellow of the engine, and he couldn't help but smirk just a little.
Of course driving like this was dangerous. That was what made it fun. It wasn't his fault the bossy redhead was too uptight to see that.
At least this time, she had the good sense to be cautious and on her guard - not that she was likely to be kidnapped again, not with Wes and his Pokémon around.
He almost snorted at the thought. Friends. Right. As if he would ever care to be friends with other human beings. His experience over the years very convincingly solidified his belief that they were all either rotten to their core - or incredibly stupid. Neo and Novo had proven to be the only source of friendship worth investing in.
Cail raised his hands in submission. "Fine, fine." He smirked at Rui. "I gotta ask though, what's a cute thing like you doing here? You don't look much like his type."
Before Wes could respond, Rui spoke up sharply. "That's none of your business," she said.
Cail raised an eyebrow, then leered at Wes. "Feisty one, isn't she? Is that why you're giving her a shot?"
"We are not a couple!" Rui snapped.
"Oh-ho." Cail leaned into her face with a gleam in his eyes, his smirk spreading wider across his face. "If that's the case...how about a drink with me, then?"
"Back off!" she spat.
The Trainer withdrew with a laugh. "Easy there, Carrot Top. I was only joking."
"What did you just call me?"
Wes sighed and pulled Rui along as they marched past Cail. The Trainer's laughs followed them down the street. "Let me know if you change your mind, sweetheart!"
I WHEEZED, SPICCYYYYYYY. Honestly, considering the context we all tend to use the word "spicy" in, I wonder if that's the right word here? Like, I GET IT, but also, 'spicy' makes me think of shirtless Guzma drawings yk? That is, of course, personal preference, but I'd rec swapping it out for "feisty" or "plucky" or even "ballsy."
"That's because I do have a personal issue with them." Rui raised her eyes to meet his, and there was a cold anger in both her face and her tone. "They didn't lift a finger when my starter got stolen from me."
The officer behind the desk was staring out the window, balancing a pencil on his puckered lips and apparently completely oblivious to their presence. After a pause, Rui cleared her throat and he jumped, sending the pencil flying with a clatter.
Hello, I’m here to review OSAS as a prize for the Review Blitz!
The… previous Review Blitz. I’m on time I promise, this was supposed to be done yesterday but it took juuust a bit longer than I hoped
As an apology for being so late, though, I went ahead and read everything currently posted to TR!
I have to admit that when I opened this, I wasn’t entirely sold on the premise. Trainer-focused stories, especially ones that veer far from poke-pov, aren’t usually my thing due to all my past experiences with them (mostly just being bored/watching pokemon get used as battle machines). Especially given it was Orre, which is down there with Sinnoh and Hoenn on my list for least favorite region. I do have to hand it to you, though—this is one of those really well-written fics that reminded me of all the good things that can be in Trainerfic. I’ll say before I begin that I have basically zero knowledge of Colosseum outside of this story and OSAS!Wes is definitely different from whatever faceless PC the games had, so I’m marking this story up on its own merits instead of in relation to the game.
And I guess I should start at Wes. Wes is a character absolutely painted by his terrible backstory that’s something out of an edgy teenage OC fic, but this story does a really good job of handling him in a way that doesn’t make him one big large edgefest. We can understand what he does, and why he’s doing it when he does those things. He isn’t just limited to a rough exterior and brutish actions like so many characters in his archetype; the entire fic is pretty much kicked off by him being softer than he lets on. Which I think is a good thing tbh, because it shows that he’s human rather than just being a strongarm brute. We get to see the “heart of gold” he has, rather than being told he has one and seeing him display the opposite. Which was pretty much my impression from the first chapter. Being able to nail a character like that from the start already shows a pretty deep understanding of what makes a character, and it’s something that’s evident in pretty much all the characters in this fic.
Seeding in Wes’ backstory slowly as the story goes on is also pretty clever—not only does it shine a deeper light on Wes the more and more that is shown, but the flashbacks are usually relevant to a piece of the story, or a question that was asked the chapter before. I remember more than one time where the flashbacks showed me something I was wondering about, or the reason that a flashback showed itself became clear immediately afterwards.
Rui for me is… tolerable. Maybe it’s because we mostly see her through Wes’ framing and we don’t get to see her inner monologue like we do Wes, but I don’t feel like I have as much of an attachment to her. She does balance out Wes well, though, and the two have a pretty good dynamic together. And lately she’s been getting a bit less naïve, which counteracts my worries about her remaining blissfully ignorant of every danger sign the whole story. We’ve been seeing things a bit more from her POV lately, which is an improvement! Hopefully we get a bit more of this, so she can feel less like a sidekick and more like an equal member of the team.
Wes and Rui are at the center of the story’s dynamic, but the world they live in is pretty well decked out too. I was surprised by how you managed to transform a barren, empty place like Orre into a region that, while still barren, has a lot of history despite it. I don’t think the Noctis Mortem virus was in the original games, nor anything about a war with Johto. Definitely interested to see more of the world lore tbh—We’ve only been in a couple of places so far, and it sounds like there’s a lot out there besides desert to see. There’s a very distinct vibe the world has set, akin to “eat or be eaten”, and I think you do a very good job of simultaneously painting that vibe and using it to demonstrate the difference between Wes and Rui—Wes, who grew up in the barren parts and knows not to trust generously and pick fights he can’t handle, and Rui, who had it mostly sheltered and doesn’t realize just how much she’s tempting fate every time she opens her mouth unwisely.
Other characters, while definitely simpler than the two mains, still feel vibrant in their simplicity. Neo and Novo have personality despite feeling more like guard cats than sapient animals (more on that later), the mayor and their children are serviceable for their roles in the story, and villains like Gonzap and Miror B are pretty well characterized despite us barely having even seen them before. And also like, Miror B. How do you even make someone like that remotely threatening? I’m not sure, but you managed to do it somewhat.
For criticisms… I honestly don’t know if I can cite much. The biggest thing I’d point to is the pacing in the earlier chapters—it felt a bit like we were milling around before Wes got blackmailed into becoming an acoplice, at which point I was like “oh. Those last eight chapters were the prologue. ” And in general, it still feels like it’s going pretty slow. Which, isn’t necessarily bad, given you’re filling that space with focus on Wes and his many, many trauma-related issues, but means that for 160K words… not very much happened in the big picture. We’re still setting different parts of Orre up, and we’ve only properly been to two cities.
I’ll also say that while it’s not really an objective criticism, I was a little lukewarm on how the pokemon povs were handled. They’re intelligent, but they seem comparable to four/five year old children in sapience, which was a bit disappointing to me, especially after the narration portrayed them as more elegant with words than the broken phrases they utter in chapters 14/15. And overall, take this one with a grain of salt. I’m very much biased towards poke-pov/PMD works as a reader and author, and fully sapient/humanized pokemon might not be what fits for this story. I guess the only real objective criticism I can make here is that it means characters like Neo and Novo can only really have moving/varied scenes through their actions, or if the narration speaks for them. Otherwise they just feel like glorified, somewhat smarter cat-dog creatures to me.
Outside of that, though… most of what I can point to are minor things. For instance, the discrepancy of edits from the previous fifteen to the sixteenth chapter kind of jarred me, but as someone who is also stuck in edit hell I don’t really know if I can cite that as a criticism as much as a “this was a bit of a bumper stop”. There were some (parenthesized offhand comments in chapters) that felt out of place in the narration, but even then it was only one or two. I wasn’t crazy for the April fools chapter, but in general I’m strongly on the side of “don’t put chapters in your story that aren’t serious chapters of the story”, and it did at least contribute something instead of just being completely irrelevant. I should say, though, that in either the 14th or 15th chapter (the one where Neo nearly gets chomped by Croconaw-whats-her-name while “playing”), the pov switched at least four times, and there weren’t bars to accompany those changes like there had been on every other chapter. I dunno if it was meant to be an experiment or if you just forgot to put them there, but my feedback for the former would be that it confused me enough you’d probably just be better off with the bars tbh.
As for where I’d like to see this fic go from here…
The main dynamic of the fic seems to be the slow-burn relationship between Rui and Wes, but I’d like to see a kick-off for the main story sooner or later that they can’t solve within the span of a chapter. Feels kinda like they’ve been laying low at the home base for a while, but they can’t just stay in Pyrite forever. And we’re just now learning about Cipher, IIRC something that happened early on in the Colosseum games. And eventually Wes is going to have to level with Rui. Hopefully the ambush by what’s presumably Miror B at the Underground will wind up being a kickoff for the plot in general.
I’m also interested to see the one large hole Wes’ backstory that we haven’t really gotten an answer for yet—how he got Neo and Novo. It’s been teased a couple of times before, we’ve gotten regular snippets of his backstories, and eevees seem pretty hard to get ahold of, so it’s got to be something big.
But overall, nearly full marks from me! This is a very well-told story in basically every department. The pacing could be a bit faster, and I’m a bit lukewarm on the pokemon, but for what it wants to be this story succeeds pretty well in being that! I know you said in the past you weren’t looking to diverge heavily from the canon story as much as embellish on it, but so far it’s been a wild ride. Interested to see what you do differently from here on out.
Review Blitz time! Reviewing Prologue + Chapters 1 & 2 for now but will definitely be reading more!
What I expected going into this was an expansion on the interesting but desert barren (🥁) story that Pokémon Colosseum had setup - maybe with some fun interactions between the various villains and some tender moments with the Pokémon that Wes would catch over the course of the plotline. While those elements are indeed present, what I was not expecting was some of the most endearing characterization from both main and side characters alike! Seriously, I’m only 2 chapters in and I’m already a cheerleader for Wes, Neo, and Novo because of how strong their personalities just ooze into their interactions and drive the plot forward!
I adore how Wes has the smarmy quips to match smugness we see in the game’s intro sequence, but it’s also shown to be a front – a coping mechanism – due to some past trauma. As an aside, how old is Wes in this? He doesn’t seem to be an adult (or if he is, a very young one), but he’s no "kid" either.
I’m intrigued by the contrast of abuse and [faux?] kindness. A second parental figure of sorts, or perhaps it’s all Gonzap? It’s clear from Novo’s scars and the description of “bloodthirsty bird” in the next chapter that they were enduring something together. Also, can I just say the contrast between the deeper, more serious Novo and the showy, more mischievous nature of Neo is great? Because it’s great. The fact that they both have such big hearts too helps give a moral anchor to Wes before Rui comes into the picture as well!
Wes was awakened the following morning by the sound of footsteps and chatter from the diner overhead. He sat up, stretched, and was slowly gathering his bearings when a familiar smell wafted to his nose...
Aha, so this is where the bacon talk began! …Though I have to wonder where that bacon comes from, I love this little interaction – especially since it shows that Wes will indulge in their wishes even if it wasn’t the best circumstances. Tough guy with a big heart is a trope I will always, always find heartwarming.
As far as he was concerned, there was no need for human company when his Pokémon were far and away better than any humans he'd bothered with.
This line is slipped in there, but it’s a nice signal on the kind of experiences Wes had in the past. The best part is that because we’ve already had very “human” interactions with Neo and Novo during the escape and sleep sequences, we can see why he would think that – it’s character from context rather than simply telling and I like it a lot!
"Don't pick fights you have no chance of winning."
I find it interesting how painted of Wes’s opinion this description of Phenac City is! The kindness of some of the denizens later in the chapter shows that it’s not necessarily 100% true and is telling of the misanthropic attitude Wes has. It makes me curious if we’ll see other contrasts in description vs. reality as a result of this character-oriented narration and makes me excited to see just how these opinions might change over time!
Celebi? Wes frowned a little. He'd scarcely ever heard people swear by that name. He noticed the woman and the boy beside him exchange surprised looks, and wondered if they were thinking the same thing as him: She's not one of those crazy believers, is she?
Huh, so the worship of Celebi considered a cult or conspiracy group – makes me curious about about the theology of the world in general (as it seems Arceus and Mew referred to as higher beings) – especially when you consider some of the lighter legendary Pokémon like Jirachi. Come to think of it, Colosseum had the three Johto beasts as Shadow Pokémon… now I’m eager to see how that meshes with the pair’s own beliefs!
Neo chirrupped happily and Marla beamed at him approvingly. "You're such a kind gentleman!"
Looks like Neo and Novo aren’t the only pair that will be mirrors of one another, hehehe!
Overall, I love the descriptions, love the characterization, and love the expanded story! Colosseum has a special place in my heart and seeing it flourish like this just makes me super happy to keep diving and read more! Great stuff so far, Yellow!
Always a great start when we're starting off with bacon.
Huh. I didn't expect online classes to be a thing in Orre! Interesting!
Awww, nice how everyone likes Neo and Novo!
Nice touch with how surprised Wes is at all the food! Makes sense he'd never be able to be at something like this before, given how bad his prior situations were.
Noctis has truly ruined so many lives.
And Neo ate all of the bacon. Of course.
Nice that Duking is providing for Wes' Pokemon!
I want to give Kohna a hug.
Woooo, they're sorta-kinda getting along!
Maku's showing emotion!
Rui's excitement about maybe being able to make a difference is delightful!
Oh, wow. Wes' encounter with the pickpocket was really interesting! It showed how desperate the situation is for many in Pyrite, Wes having a lot of experience with this kind of thing, and showed Wes being both genuinely furious and caring. I really liked that!
Johnson feels oddly too optimistic. Hoping this is not the case, but I feel like something bad is going to happen to him eventually.
Oh boy. They're going to pickpocket the shadow Pokemon's pokeballs away while their trainers are distracted!
I like how the pickpocket from earlier is coming back!
Wes' averse reaction at the words "Not everyone is out to get you" shows so much. That was really great!
Emok gives me bad vibes.
Kohna going into what I presume is Hyper Mode was amazing and horrifying. She's completely unlike how she was before, and even attacked her own teammate. And when she snapped out of it, she seemingly didn't remember a thing, and was just trembling as Wes shouted at her...it was amazingly well done.
Overall, this was great! I'm really intrigued by the new characters like Johnson and Emok, and I really like the development Kohna got! I'm excited to read more!
Hello! Here for the review of the first three chapters that I'd promised during Blitz. Orre fic is always fun! Not something I come across as much as I'd like to, so I'm happy that I have the opportunity to check this out. I know you said in your amended feedback guidelines that you'd much rather leave extensive critique until the later chapters, which is a totally reasonable approach — and I'll admit I didn't really keep a close eye out for stuff to point out, but so far, there's little that jumped out at me as getting in the way of what I'm reading here. I've really enjoyed this!
I think your approach here in terms of story structure is a really solid one. The opening section endeared itself to me very well: I think the opening paragraphs does a good job of introducing us to the geography and character of Orre (and it's a good introduction! You can't go wrong with a well-placed tumbleweed :P), then you zoom in on one thing in particular and keep describing it until you really hone in on the building. It's wise that you don't spend more than a couple of paragraphs on this, and I think it sets the tone well going forward that your approach is essentially to say "it was quiet... until it wasn't" and then have it explode. The abruptness is funny on some level, but it's also a stakes-raiser, and it's a heck of a way to introduce a protagonist: here's Wes! He's capable of causing mayhem, he's shedding his fake name, and he's gotta get the hell outta here. It's a good hook! Poses a lot of questions. I think the first chapter as a whole covers all the bases that it needs to: Wes being a badass on the run; Wes being at the whims of the Eons, who he clearly has a great bond with; and Wes having a terrible past with a lot of trauma that he's trying to work beyond.
Wes heaved a weary sigh. He crouched down in front of his Espeon to be eye level with him despite the fact that the Pokémon was pointedly avoiding his gaze. "Neo. Is this about me manhandling you back there?"
The Pokémon, Neo, irritably flicked his tail in response.
He also Manhandles, Mistreats and Neglects this Poor Creature to whom Bacon Must Be Granted as Penance. A villain and a scoundrel. It's charming to see him bargain with the two of them, and it sets the two of them up as characters in their own right; they're wonderful little gremlins who will make their feelings known, though Novo reads as the calmer and more collected of the two whereas Neo is, like, Miette with psychic beam powers (which is always a good premise for a character).
Thinking about what you mentioned in your editing plans on how to bridge that gap between these two scenes: I feel like it's not too huge a fix! You could probably just include a couple more paragraphs worth of transition at the end of that second scene in the chapter — I like how jarring it is that the last scene in the chapter throws us right into his nightmares, because nightmares often are jarring, but I think it could be worth giving us a sense of how he went about the rest of the day and then going to bed. It's already implied well enough that this is a recurring thing for him; to build up to it, you could maybe suggest that he hopes to get an undisturbed night for once and then say something to the effect of "he did not". The two scenes are great as they are, though, and I think it really is just a matter of connecting them with some tissue there.
A flicker, and there was a dark room, in which a child was sobbing over the limp form of a Pokémon's body. He looked up, tear-stained face twisted with anger. "This is YOUR FAULT!" he screamed.
The scene dissolved into darkness, and a man's husky, menacing voice spoke in a snarl. "It's time you learned this lesson, boy."
Two great ways to set up the rest of the story. Curious to find out what happened with the first one, and what happened to whoever was responsible; the second is a clear statement of what Wes wants to achieve here.
Chapters two and three are obviously less bombastic, but I think they work well in setting up some other aspects to the story. We learn a bit more about Wes and start to touch on that Colo lore (e.g. Team Snagem, other places in Orre, how Wes interacts with strangers), and it starts to direct us towards a plot — especially when Rui's introduced. I do like how Wes comes across in these chapters; like, he's aloof for sure (as the encounter with poor Willie suggests), but he never comes across as an outright asshole. His actions are well-justified (for example, we learn that he's looking out for Willie in his own special way, because it's better to find out how to protect oneself from him than Snagem), and as a matter of fact, there were a few times when I was reading this where he just read as a little bit of a dork. Which is great, obviously; it reminds us that he's a guy with feelings and issues when he's pleading with Neo to just keep moving and stay out of trouble in the lead-up to the Rui encounter:
"Es-piiii!" He felt teeth tugging at the hem of his pants and saw Neo gripping the black fabric in his mouth, looking up at him with a pleading expression.
"What's the matter with you?" Wes asked irritably. Since when had his Espeon developed such a strong moral compass? "We can't stop every shady person in town. Leave that to authorities or something. Let's go."
(How dare he insinuate that Neo has ever been anything less than a totally upstanding moral citizen? He is so mean to his innocent and long-suffering pokémon, and should go to jail for his crimes.)
It'll take us a handful of days, but if we only stop for occasional breaks, we should make it in good time. And then, if all goes well, I can get a passport there and we'll be out of Orre. For good."
[glances at the remaining word count] yea man this'll be fine I think there'll be no problems here
Rui comes across as a really nice foil to Wes! I think the way you get it across that she can detect auras (and, thus, shadow pokémon) is done well, and the banter between the two of them in chapter three is very charming. Wes isn't exactly the most social creature to begin with, so it's entertaining seeing him try to help out such a bright and bubbly companion, figuring out what is and isn't a dumb question in real-time, and trying to make sense of the whole "I can see shadow pokémon" deal. I think you do a good job of getting across Mayor Es-Cade as an ineffectual guy who has no real hold on fixing concerns like this one — the specific way he handles it (scarcely reacting to Rui saying she was kidnapped, then immediately rushing to doubt the whole story, but don't worry, he'll get someone to look into it, though it might not even be in his jurisdiction anyway) coupled with Rui and Wes feeling like this was a waste of time afterwards is very believable.
Rui looked the building up and down with awe. "Are you sure we can just...knock?" she asked in almost a whisper. Wes merely shrugged. He'd never bothered to visit this place himself.
Wes didn't bother to reply to this remark. He'd crouched down to his Pokémon and was muttering a hurried apology. "Sorry guys, but there isn't room for all of you in the sidecar. You're gonna have to go in your balls for now."
What a monster, and a fiend also; as I keep saying, he should be thrown in jail for his heinous treatment of his dear, beleaguered pokémon.
I'm really enjoying this so far! I'll have to keep reporting back to you as I progress with this one, and I'll try to keep any critiques I have light for these early chapters, but I doubt I'll have to try too hard — I sincerely enjoyed pretty much all of this. Great work! Cheers for writing it, and have a good Blitz! :>
Hey! I'm back with a proper review of chapter one. I thought I might review three chapters at once but then I went on to write an essay and it's 4AM, so I'll just post this one and return to it later.
He sprang nimbly onto the seat, revved the engine, and glanced quickly into the sidecar, where his two partners should have been safely seated—only to find his Umbreon watching him tersely.
Something easily fixed that jumped out at me here - it's not obvious until the next sentence here what the problem is, because you don't actually state that Neo wasn't there. The immediate interpretation is to assume the fact Novo is "watching him tersely" is the issue Wes is noticing, like it means Novo's not properly safely seated, and Neo just wasn't brought up because it's Novo there's an issue with. It might be smoother to make a small edit to emphasize Neo's absence immediately - something like "...only to find his Umbreon alone, watching him tersely", maybe?
He glanced over his shoulder and found his Espeon a few yards away, yipping loudly at the people fleeing the burning building, tail waving triumphantly in the air. He didn't speak Pokémon, but the runaway figured if he did, he would be hearing a choice selection of colorful insults.
"Neo, you idiot-"
"Espi-esp, esp, esp! Es-SPI!?" The Espeon's barks cut short in a yap of surprise as his trainer hauled him off his feet and shoved him under one arm. He sprinted back to the motorcycle and dumped the creature rather unceremoniously into the sidecar next to his brother, ignoring the Pokémon's cries of indignation.
This is such a fun establishing character moment (hence why I illustrated it for Smeargle Swap). Already we get a sense of Neo as a bit snotty and having a penchant for getting into trouble and acting impulsively, and of Wes as being completely used to his nonsense, just immediately already knowing that it's no use trying to talk him out of this and that he's just going to have to grab him by the scruff and haul him off (he does say "you idiot", but we get a clear sense he's already running towards him when he says that, both by the way the line's cut off and the way Neo is then immediately cut off by Wes already there). Impeccably timed.
Anger and bitter satisfaction alike swelled inside the trainer's chest. He faced his now-former boss with a growl.
"If you're going to threaten me," he said, "call me by my real name." He sneered. "It's Wes, by the way. In case you forgot."
The man roared again, this time too incensed to form any words. He barreled toward the trainer and his Pokémon with a murderous expression, but this wasn't Wes' main cause of concern: a flash of light emerged from a Pokéball at the man's belt and took the shape of a metallic bird. The Pokémon spread its wings, emitted a blood-curdling screech, and took to the sky.
It was time to go.
The motorcycle engine started with a roar, and in one smooth motion, Wes swept astride the motorcycle. He raised his left arm high above his head, sunlight glinting off a strange metal contraption that encased it. Holding a small remote in his hand, he looked his boss dead in the eye, smirked, and pressed the button.
Wes clearly takes great, bitter pleasure in blowing up Snagem's base and having this moment of power over Gonzap. Looking forward to seeing more of his history, and theirs in particular. From what glimpses I've gathered I doubt it's pleasant.
Gonzap calling him Leo while he asserts his real name is Wes (and it's clearly not that Gonzap just thought his name was Leo, since Wes says "In case you forgot") is an interesting little nugget of intrigue to pique the reader's curiosity. I'm guessing this is a case of Leo being his birth name and Wes being one he took up for himself that Gonzap refuses to use because he's a dick? Fun nod to Wes's Japanese name in any case.
The motorcycle puttered to a halt as Wes pulled up to the establishment. Dim lights shone through the train car windows as old Western music hummed from an outdoor speaker.
Wes heaved a weary sigh. He crouched down in front of his Espeon to be eye level with him despite the fact that the Pokémon was pointedly avoiding his gaze. "Neo. Is this about me manhandling you back there?"
The Pokémon, Neo, irritably flicked his tail in response.
Another sigh. "Look, I'm sorry. But there's a time and a place for gloating over a victory, and doing so while escaping from an exploding building is not it."
Neo flicked his ears back and looked at the ground, looking slightly abashed. "Esp." He then looked back up at his trainer with a small glare. "Espi-esp!"
"I know, I shouldn't have been so rough. I'm sorry, bud, really. How can I make it up to you?" Wes glanced at the Outskirt Stand, then back at his Pokémon with a sly grin. "How about I get you a whole plate of bacon and we call it even. Truce?"
More lovely characterization. Wes gets his Pokémon - he doesn't understand Neo's words but he can guess why he's upset and what he's complaining about and knows exactly how to make amends. There's also no anger or real attempt to argue about it, even though Neo did something really dumb and it's kind of childish of him to be so affronted by it; there's just a brief explanation of why Wes did what he did, apologies for being rough, and then moving on to how to make it up to him (with food bribery, of course). In other words, Wes values his relationship with Neo more than being right, or even trying to convince him to not do this again!
A flicker, and there was a dark room, in which a child was sobbing over the limp form of a Pokémon's body. He looked up, tear-stained face twisted with anger. "This is YOUR FAULT!" he screamed.
The scene dissolved into darkness, and a man's husky, menacing voice spoke in a snarl. "It's time you learned this lesson, boy."
Another shift, another dark room littered with Pokémon lying ominously still, limbs splayed out in awkward angles—and there was another voice, a kinder voice, accompanied by a sad, tired smile.
More intrigue! Gonzap was clearly abusive. Unclear whether he hurt Neo/Novo, or whether it's just the trauma of a lot of dead Pokémon. Wonder who the kinder voice is, too - don't recall any likely contenders on Team Snagem in the game, but it has been a while.
Novo purred in response and brushed his face against Wes' shoulder. The two sat in silence for a moment, Novo leaning into him as Wes stroked the Umbreon's sleek black fur. He paused at Novo's left side, fingers brushing at old scars that he knew were still there, despite the fact that they were nearly invisible under the dark coat.
Wonder if this is from the scene flashed to before or a different occasion.
Wes having all these nightmares, to a point where Novo hypnotizing him to sleep is practically a daily thing even though he's trying to avoid it, sure says a lot about what his life was like at Snagem. Neo's a pretty loud presence in the chapter but personally I'm more drawn to Novo, who's just concerned for his trainer and trying to take care of him. What a good lovely Pokémon who deserves good things.
I have some bad news for you about the plot of Pokémon Colosseum, Wes
Honestly a very effective first chapter, I think. In a short space it gets a lot of things in there: some quick action, memorable characterization, several intriguing hooks for later. As a way to get me to want to read the fic, it definitely did the job.
I did find it a little curious how relatively little emotion Wes feels here about the escape - he's angry, he's bitterly satisfied, but it doesn't really feel like he was experiencing fear or tension, which is definitely something I'd expect him to be feeling here to at least some extent. Partly it may just be the fairly detached narrator - it does say that Gonzap's roar of rage is "terrifying" and that Skarmory's screech is "blood-curdling", but I'm not getting the sense that that's describing how Wes feels about it per se, since it feels like more of an omniscient narrator and you don't really describe Wes reacting in any way that sounds like he's terrified by it.
This is the sort of thing that could be intentional characterization, although it would be kind of surprising to me if Wes feels no fear of his former abuser at all - would have to see exactly how you deal with how he's processed his trauma to be sure how I feel about it. Either way it definitely didn't stop me enjoying the chapter - there's plenty else to suggest depth and nuance to Wes beyond the cool action hero archetype. But it is something I noticed as I read - do with that knowledge what you will!
In any case, I enjoyed reading this again, and look forward to reading more this Blitz.
Hello, Yellow! I'm here to review the first opening chapter to get a feel for how this story is going to go. I'm admittedly less interested in novelizations on the face of it. However, I will say that the first chapter has just enough flair that I'd be happy to read more~
Specifically, I felt that the opening chapter gives some depth to Wes that I can really appreciate, which is what I would hope for from the perspective of a novelization. He isn't just a silent protagonist with some implied personality form the way others speak of or to him, and that's big because this is probably the protagonist with the greatest potential for a "nonstandard hero" personality!
In terms of a character beat, though, his desire to leave does perplex me a little, though. Perhaps it's my meta knowledge combining with the additional plot beat, but I'm not sure why someone who would want to leave the region would simultaneously steal an important machine that will make the worst folks of the region try to follow him out of it, among other things.
Still, I really liked the fuzzied nightmares and what Wes has. Definitely expecting to see more elaboration on that as the story continues for precisely what happened there.
As a small nitpick, I'm not sure what to think about for "masks of panic." It seems to be contradictory and actually made me stumble a bit because you'd think panic would be an unmasked emotion. They aren't faking panic from the explosion, right?
Overall, I thought it was a nice first chapter, and it hit a lot of good points for trying to overcome the natural pitfalls or downsides of doing a novelization. For that, good job, and I'll see you next time.
Hah, using his Japanese name as a pseudonym. I like!
(I don't wanna spend time on Ch 1 nitpicks since I know you've got more than enough of those, but out of curiosity: doesn't Gonzap have a magnificent moustache rather than a bodacious beard? Or maybe you've changed it! Honestly, imagining those lightning bolts he calls facial hair as a beard would be even funnier and not at all weird given Orreans' usual impeccable fashion sense.)
Heh. Always wondered how the Outskirt Stand got there, myself. How d'you lose an entire train car (or, for that matter, the tracks that presumably put it there)? Orre is Weird and I love it.
"How about I get you a whole plate of bacon and we call it even. Truce?"
I dig how quickly we get to see how much Wes dotes on his pokémon. I'm a little surprised that we see this before we get to see how gruff and untrusting he can be—most of the time with characters like this it's the other way around!—but it makes sense given there's no one else to interact with just yet, and it contrasts (and then supports) the scene that follows really well.
The nightmare sequence is a nice bit of whiplash, and here's where we get our first stab at some questions that this novelization will raise over a straight game retelling. What happened with babby Wes(?) and that first dead(?) pokémon? Is the snarling voice Gonzap, or someone else? I'm guessing the "Do good, kid" voice is Alden (whom I only know of through Discord rather than here); what on earth is the scene of carnage that Wes is associating with his words?
The comfort from Novo that follows (and a brief look at Neo's blissful unawareness) is really sweet, and the familiarity of running over those old scars—hard times that Novo has been through, too, that will never completely go away—is poignant. Novo helping him sleep peacefully with hypnosis is both sweet and sad: lovely that he wants to help his friend feel better, but at the same time Wes feels like it's just enabling him to not have to deal with the nightmares, to avoid admitting how much they affect him and find a way to recover properly from all those memories.
Also, as a tiny aside, I love how Neo and Novo are both catlike and doglike at once. I've always preferred eeveelutions as amalgamammals rather than "this is definitely exactly a fox" or "definitely exactly a cat"; it's fun to play with and blend together multiple sets of mannerisms at once and end up with something uniquely eevee.
[i[The sooner we leave this region, the better.[/i]
Maaaaan, it took me way too long to finally sit down and do this. I don't quite have the time to get through more chapters at the moment, but you've got me hooked and I really wanna! You've done an excellent job setting both the tone of the original game story and bringing in additional elements and nuance and questions, and I'm eager to keep going so I can both relive the original ride and see what's changed along the way. A lovely start, and I'll definitely be back soon!
I think there might be a line break missing here. This seems like it's two different scenes.
Huh, so Gonzap gives everyone who joins Snagem new names. Interesting. I wonder why that is? Is that to try to hide their former identities?
Being in Snagem really messed Wes up.
Oh boy, evolution stories!
Falling out of a tree is perfectly fitting for the bacon kitty.
And Novo evolved in a fight, but not a Pokemon battle...oh boy. I have some vague recollections of reading about that in chapter 13, but I don't remember the specifics. Whatever it was, though, it can't have been good.
Wes being unable to accept the bag hurts my heart.
Huh, so knowledge of Agate Forest seems to be uncommon. Interesting.
Wes and Rui's banter always makes me smile.
Wes reflected on what precious little information Emok had given them regarding savage Pokemon several days ago.
"Well, they're definitely being distributed, but I couldn't begin to tell you where from or who's responsible," Emok had said as she folded her arms and leaned against the alley wall across from him.
It was a bit hard for me to follow that this was a transition into a flashback. Maybe you could add some sort of line break indicator, or italicize the text like with the flashbacks at the beginning of the chapter?
Huh...Emok seems genuinely concerned for Wes. I'm very intrigued to find out what her deal is.
Oh dear. The pickpocket really doesn't trust Wes. Which is perfectly understandable, given what had happened and what life in Orre is generally like.
The battle was fantastic and horrifying. Nani's complete disregard for her trainer's commands, Wes doing his best to prevent unnecessary harm, the other trainer being completely uncaring about his Pokemon...it was great.
The resulting scream of pain from the other Pokémon made Wes' blood run cold. Such a scream should never be heard in a casual battle setting, not ever, and yet - Noctowl's Trainer looked largely unconcerned.
He was pushed flat on his back as his Espeon leaped at him, eyes wide, tail wagging in excitement. "Espi! Epsi, espi, espi, espi, espi!"
"No, Neo." Wes shoved the Pokémon off of him with a grumble. "I gave you and Novo plenty of bacon last night. One-time deal, remember?"
At the sound of his name and "bacon" being used in the same sentence, the Umbreon lifted his head and yawned. "Umbri?" He pricked his ears forward and gave his trainer a hopeful look.
"I said no, guys." He donned a teal trench coat that fell past his knees and began to pack up his belongings, pausing only to give them a stern look. "Last night was a special treat, but today we have to get on the road as quickly as possible, which means nothing fancy for breakfast. And that's final."
Naturally, not ten minutes later, he found himself sitting across from his Pokémon in the diner, watching them each chow down a fresh plate of bacon.
<3 Wes needs to learn to say no to his bratty Pokémon (only nah, this is cute)
Despite all his griping, he did relish the opportunity to spoil his partners. Bacon—or any decent food, for that matter—was hard to come by, and therefore was practically a delicacy. Under normal circumstances, he would have had to resort to swiping table scraps for all three of them, but thanks to the cash he'd snatched from the hideout, he could afford to dote on his Pokémon just a little. After yesterday, he figured they deserved it anyway.
Of course that's the first thing you want to spend your finite money on.
Through the grimy window next to their booth, Wes could see two men laughing and talking amongst themselves, seemingly rejuvenated after a hearty meal. They continued laughing as they entered their vehicle—an old hover truck of some sort. Neo paused from his feast to watch them intently, his ears pricked forward, eyes trained on a large burlap sack that rested in the truck bed. His gaze remained steadfastly fixed on them, and he only returned his attention to his plate after they drove away and out of sight.
Neo chirped softly in agreement while his brother nodded, looking resolute. Wes couldn't help but smile softly and give them each a rub behind the ear. He'd never been much for people, but his partners more than made up for that. As far as he was concerned, there was no need for human company when his Pokémon were far and away better than any humans he'd bothered with.
Sure seemed to enjoy Alden's company as a kid, though, eh? I imagine horrible things happened and Wes just copes by firmly deciding nope no human has ever been worth it.
At least, it should be...the bartender knew Wes as a regular, but not well enough to be suspicious. And, worst case scenario...Wes reached under his coat and brushed his fingers against the hilt of the knife he kept strapped to his belt. Well, "knife" was bit of a generous term for the thing—it was an old Skarmory feather that he'd strapped to a makeshift hilt. Not exactly the most conventional blade, but it had served its purpose on more than one occasion just fine.
The feather itself had come from none other than Gonzap's own Skarmory, and as much as Wes hated that bloodthirsty bird, he felt a strange sense of satisfaction at being able to weaponize part of something that had once terrorized him.
Huh, neat. I like this, but it does feel a little expositiony where it's placed right now; Wes drifting off on this mental tangent about this when he's been established to be tense and on edge in this moment seems a little incongruous and ramps down that tension a bit.
I think this is meant to be a dialogue tag (i.e. he growled "Can I help you"), in which case that "he" should be uncapitalized.
The man chuckled and removed his hat, revealing a surprisingly young-looking face and a head of pink hair—pink hair? He offered a hand to the younger trainer. "Name's Willie. Yours?"
This line tripped me up a bit - since you just brought up the man looks young, and just had Wes doing a double-take about his hair, I read "He" in "He offered a hand to the younger trainer" as Wes, and subsequently started reading the dialogue as if that was Wes too. I think it'd be clearer if that was "The man offered a hand to Wes", or something in that vein.
He did not shake his hand. "Wes," he answered curtly.
Good detail that shows how tense Wes is! Truly fearing for his life as this man tries to make light conversation.
Willie eyed the metal contraption on his arm, but if the stranger thought anything of it, he said nothing. After all, eccentric fashion choices weren't unusual in Orre. The man did, however, squint his eyes a little as he observed the tattoo on Wes' face; a thin white line that went across the bridge of his nose from one cheekbone to the other. Wes was not unused to strange looks at his face, and while stares in general made him uneasy, he'd learned to shrug it off. Still, he sighed a little at the man's scrutinizing look. Speaking of bad decisions...but no, it was better this way. Tattoo or no, he would have been stared at anyway; his choices had been either a nasty scar or this tattoo to cover it up, and he'd chosen the latter.
It being a tattoo covering a scar is a neat interpretation, and I enjoy the comment on Orre's eccentric fashion. Liittle expositiony, but the intrigue of revealing he had a scar there and priming us to anticipate that backstory is effective.
"Yes." Wes hopped on his vehicle and turned to face the man as his Pokémon followed behind. He noticed Neo glancing back at the Zigzagoon over his shoulder and walking with a particular swagger, as if attempting to flaunt his superiority to his would-be foes.
Love you continuing to include these strong nuggets of characterization for the Pokémon even in moments where they aren't doing anything terribly important.
"Yeah?" Willie grinned at him again. Such open friendliness from a total stranger. He was far too naive for this place.
"You should be more careful about who you challenge to battle. Your Pokémon are easy targets, and there are still plenty of Snaggers out there." He pulled his goggles over his eyes and gripped the handlebars tightly with gloved hands. "Don't pick fights you have no chance of winning." With that, the motorcycle roared to life and he drove off, leaving a bemused trainer in his wake.
Says a lot about his worldview, but also that he cares. Your Pokémon are easy targets - Wes would know, doesn't he.
I enjoy how you used Willie in this scene, generally; rather than just a random dude Wes battles, you make use of Wes's reactions to him to show more about Wes's character - his distrust, his hostility to people compared to how sweet he is with his Pokémon, the sympathy that he ultimately has (at least for Willie's Pokémon) that leads him to try to warn him about being too trusting. It's all well-used time.
Phenac City was often referred to as "the jewel of the desert", and it was easy to see why. Laid out in a circular pattern, with the tallest buildings at the northernmost top of the circle, the city gleamed with white stone and crystalline waterfalls flowing along the streets. The desert sun reflected off the sparkling water and white structures, making it blindingly bright to look at.
I think you do a nice job with your location descriptions generally; you keep them simple and brief, but still get a clear impression across.
Plus, there was an air of false grandeur about the place that repulsed him, particularly in the way its citizens liked to flaunt Pokémon as symbols of status. Snagem may have shipped stolen Pokémon around like merchandise, but in Wes' opinion, Phenac was hardly any better.
More Wes caring about Pokémon! I think it rings true generally that this fancy, high-class place is repellent to him.
Love that it's Neo and Novo who convince him to do something about the mysterious burlap sack. He'd like nothing more than to just decide it doesn't concern him and make his way out of Orre for good, but the Pokémon keep him honest. It's not the classic rough-exterior thing of his own conscience getting the better of him because he just can't resist helping someone in distress; they serve as his conscience instead. Which I think makes sense, for someone so guarded and closed off from other people and determined to leave this region behind forever.
"Damn it all," he spat at Wes, "You just had to stick your nose where it don't belong! We'll make you sorry, boy!"
If the dialogue tag is being inserted in the middle of a single sentence ("Damn it all, you just had to stick your nose where it don't belong!"), then the you should be uncapitalized here; if it's being inserted between two sentences ("Damn it all. You just had to stick your nose where it don't belong!"), then it should end in a period.
I like the clear sense during the battle of how Neo and Novo are used to fighting together, and Wes is very used to commanding them in battle.
Another one where you're continuing the sentence (at least assuming "What?" is what she's crying, rather than her saying "What?" and then bursting into tears), so the dialogue tag should be uncapitalized.
It's interesting how while Wes was just terse and had a hand on his knife the whole time with a friendly stranger earlier, now with a couple of actual criminals he's making mocking wisecracks, confident as can be. Maybe in some way this is a kind of interaction where he ultimately feels more comfortable and at ease than normal social interaction, because he grew up on the team.
Within seconds, the rope was severed, and the woman swooped in to open the sack.
A girl burst out of the sack, gasping great gulps of air.
Most of her red hair was pulled up into two pigtails, and the rest of it was drenched in sweat and plastered to her face. In fact, she was almost entirely drenched in sweat—not surprising, as Wes couldn't imagine how hot it must have been inside the stifling burlap.
Enjoy this mundane authenticity - no stepping out of the sack looking perfect, she's sweating buckets and her hair is plastered to her face.
"You need to take small sips." Wes surprised himself by speaking. What did he care? Why had he bothered to stick around this long? Why hadn't he left already? "You're probably really dehydrated, so don't drink it all at once or you'll make yourself sick."
Hmm, wonder if Wes is speaking from some personal experience here. Enjoy that he's just baffled at himself that he's still here.
Celebi? Wes frowned a little. He'd scarcely ever heard people swear by that name. He noticed the woman and the boy beside him exchange surprised looks, and wondered if they were thinking the same thing as him: She's not one of those crazy believers, is she?
Ooh, nice to see this used as actual worldbuilding with worshippers of particular legendaries.
"I'm Dash," said the young man. He and the woman helped the girl to her feet, and Wes couldn't help but note how short she was—her head barely reached his shoulders, if that. No wonder she got kidnapped. Easy target, I suppose.
Not a dialogue tag (her face falling and her looking deeply troubled isn't a description of her saying the line), so the "The" should be capitalized!
"They were heading here for something!" Rui said emphatically. Her eyes were wide and pleading. "I think they might come back, and I'm really worried about what they plan to do with that Pokémon!"
Mew above, she's sure passionate, thought Wes. She was awfully fired up and upset, all for a Pokémon she didn't even know. What is wrong with this girl?
Don't act like you don't have a soft spot for Pokémon too, Wes :3
A low, harsh, eerily familiar voice rang inside Wes' head. Sticking your neck out for people is what gets you killed, it snarled. Don't be a fool, boy.
But then he noticed Novo, practical though he was, shift uncomfortably and look up at him. Never once had his Pokémon led him astray. For all the survival instincts Wes' upbringing had drilled into him, he would always trust his Pokémon, his family, more than anything else.
Aww. Ultimately, this is what this chapter is really about: Wes's Pokémon are the ones who convince him to stay, to help Rui.
And that's our main pair reluctantly together for now, after Neo and Novo have stepped in to act as Wes's conscience. What a good couple of Pokémon.
Enjoyed this chapter all in all; you're still focusing on character and that's the key to all this. Neo and Novo are good and keep Wes from being totally lost to his own cynicism. What good boys. A couple of mild instances of exposition that miiight have been smoother, but nothing that really disrupted my reading.
Holy Cannoli! I realize I've read further ahead into OSAS and neglected to leave reviews in my wake, so a great backtrackening was in order, which is fine by me because I love a good re-read. This will cover the two chapters of Phenac fights that kick off the proper action of the plot. (I'll also note between my first read through of these chapters and this one, I actually watched a playthrough of Colosseum, so I have a greater appreciation of how you've taken the game-canon material and fleshed it out into what we see here.)
I'll reiterate though, holy cannoli! I love what you've done with these early game fights and the overall introduction to shadow pokemon. Particularly how much these battles don't even feel like battles at all; they're brawls. Lawless, wild, hectic, this isn't your mother's pokemon journey. Of course, to make things more complex, right away Wes has two pokemon at his disposal, which means battles already involve twice as many pokemon to command and keep track of. You do a good job of picking and choosing moments to focus in on two combatants locked together, or let them still duke it out in the "background" of the scene without completely forgetting about them. It's a nice balance and follows closely with what Wes probably is enduring himself, in terms of keeping track of Neo and Novo in the midst of any particular fray.
The shadow pokemon themselves are rightfully terrifying on two fronts. First from their outward appearance and demeanor, and secondly from Rui's horror-stricken reaction to seeing their aura. You get across with brutal efficiency just how aggressive and out of control these pokemon are, and also how unnatural it is. The contrast between having a shadow pokemon and a regular pokemon on the same team is really well handled, as well as their terrifying ferocity (not even caring who they're attacking, human or pokmon!) This is a far cry beyond what the games present, and it really ups the overall danger of not just the scenario Wes and Rui have found themselves in, but the "early-game" plot as well. Starting out with two fully evolved Eeveelutions isn't such a cakewalk anymore when they have to face down these corrupted pokemon, and not even in fair odds, either!
I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, though, as there's a fair bit of additional turmoil besides the clear and present danger of these pokemon. And maybe it has to do with that weird gadget on Wes's arm that appears to be their only way to avoid getting mauled to death. I'm trying to remember if Rui even reacts to your first snag in the games, but here hoo boy does she react. Poor Wes is immediately on the hot seat, though he navigates his lies about his past with Snagem pretty well. It's a good thing Rui's easily distracted by caring about everything and everyone, or else she might have had half a mind to keep interrogating him...
That being said, I really like your use of contrasts in these two chapters to highlight the sheer polar opposites that are our two heroes. These passages (the first one right at the end of Chapter 5, and the next right at the start of Chapter 6) caught my attention. Wes musing with incredulity about Rui, and then her doing the same thing right back about him.
How in Mew’s name could this girl possibly have the energy to care so much about absolutely everything? Didn’t she ever get tired? Like a normal person?
It shows how little these two really know each other, and how much room they have to grow together.
Of course, at the end of Chapter 5, it looks like they might not even get that chance. Wes determined to part ways (even though there's obviously a criminal organization on the loose, where are you manners young man??) and Rui sadly going along with it. (You have to wonder, though, if Neo's puppy-dog eyes would sway Wes in the end even without the Situation:tm: at the gate). And ESPECIALLY because:
I know there's a quiet chapter after these two to properly (and angstily, is that a word? it is now) bring this "arc" to a close, but I wanted to at least stop and address these two high-octane chapters together.
Ah, Chapter 7 is like a sigh of relief after the hold-your-breath action of the previous two. Not that it's particularly "happy", per se, but it's this calm after the storm, the reprieve after the rush of adrenaline. It's good pacing, and it lets not only the reader download and decompress after the whirlwind of of the escape from Phenac, but it lets Wes and Rui do the same. How much actual decompressing happens, well, that's to be determined, but they're not being chased or actively attacked by any crazy shadow pokemon, so it has to count for something.
He sat on his mattress and pulled out the canvas tote, ignoring the painful throbbing in his shoulder. That battle had not done his injury any favors, and he would look at it later, but his Pokémon were his first priority.
Yes good thank you for not forgetting about any of the aftermath from their battle, my whumpy heart is happy. This chapter isn't just resting mentally, but physically as well.
And then we get the worldbuilding, the backstory, the history of this desolate place:
But for Orre natives, it was even more ominous, as they all knew what had reduced so many towns like this one to ruins; as a result, most citizens avoided these places out of fear and superstition.
The nuclear war with Johto seventy years earlier had already ensured that the area wouldn't be suitable for wild Pokémon for many years - if ever again - and many people speculated that the nuclear after effects on the population were a big factor in the massive Noctis death toll.
I'll admit, I can't recall anything in any of the canon info from Colosseum about Noctis, so if this is all your own headcanon for a regional backstory for Orre, I'm all for it. Also hot damn, Johto, nuclear war?? And I thought ancient Kalos was crazy. It's also telling that despite Wes and Rui coming from literal opposite ends of Orre in respect to their families and past history, they both share the same scars left by Noctis. They're not pleasant memories for either of them, but they are able to share their sorrow with each other.
Despite Wes's walls staying squarely up and in place, you can feel him soften just a little bit, if even only for a few moments. Then he's back to his gruff and (at this point traumatized) ways of shutting everyone out but his two beloved partners. Makes these two lines all the more pertinent: we can see the cracks no matter how hard he tries to seal them shut.
Rui gave him a more genuine smile this time, and somewhere in the back of his mind he realized that, for all her obnoxious optimism, smiles quite suited her.
Rui, though, she gets a glimpse inside, past those walls, and maybe, just maybe, an inkling that she can be the one to help tear them down. Poor Wes, he's gone through so much, you can't fault him one bit for being so closed off. Humanity has done nothing but kick him to the curb at every chance. And even then, the one person that gave him hope was ripped away from him and murdered in front of his eyes. (gosh those dreams. I kept waiting for them to be exaggerations distorted by him falling asleep without hypnosis, coming down after all that adrenaline leaving him vulnerable to some crazy dreams, but no, it's straight up memories of what Wes has endured. The mantra he keeps repeating to himself, pain is weakness, weakness is death, dear god will someone give this boy a hug??)
It would absolutely to take a person like Rui, who cares so much (too much?) to even begin to approach Wes on a level other than strictly business. She's maybe got a point, this is awfully convenient they met, but not for the same reason she thought. (It's almost like it takes another human to help heal a human heart)
And then we're right back at the witty banter (seriously, your dialogue here is just great)
"I don't care who you are, Wesley Lycas, nobody dislocates their shoulder and then walks it off." Rui huffed and folded her arms. "So take the stupid pills already."
Wes stared at her. "Did you just...scold me with my full name like a parent?"
"Yes, and if you keep acting like a child, I'll keep parenting you!" she snapped.
Wes shook his head and popped the bottle open with a grumble. "You're unbelievable."
I think this brings the opening arc of this fic to a very satisfying close. We get a taste of a little of everything here, and it whets the appetite for even more.
Wes shot her a look—or tried to, but ended up looking over her head. He had to drop his gaze significantly to actually make eye contact. Arceus, this girl was small. Just how old was she, anyway?
"Not for years," she said. She still wore a small smile on her face as she talked. "I was just a kid the last time I was here." Her attention shifted to the Eeveelutions striding at Wes' side. "What are their names?" she asked lightly.
"The Espeon is Neo, and the Umbreon is Novo," he said. She already knew his name, so he figured the names of his Pokémon were inconsequential information to give out at this point.
I like how Rui just keeps talking and making small talk with this totally silent grumpy dude.
Also, enjoy Wes actually pausing before telling her the names of his Pokémon because he doesn't want to give too much out. Realistically, I guess it's possible Snagem could theoretically catch wind of somebody with an Espeon and Umbreon named Neo and Novo, but wouldn't they probably put two and two together hearing about someone with an Espeon and Umbreon anyway? But the very fact it's not really adding much information at all strengthens the sense that Wes is pretty paranoid and protective of his Pokémon in particular.
Not that showing off had ever been Wes' motivator for keeping his Pokémon out. Neo and Novo were security, an extra set of eyes, and even though Wes hated the awed looks they received from passersby, it was a necessary precaution with Snagem on his tail.
"I sort of...grew up on the streets, actually," he answered hesitantly.
Rui's eyes widened and the brightness vanished from her eyes. "Oh." She dropped her gaze to the ground. "Oh. I'm...I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
An awkward pause. Taking advantage of the silence to divert the attention away from himself, Wes curtly asked, "And you?"
"Oh, I'm from Agate Village!" She looked up at him again, appearing relieved to be talking about something else. "It's absolutely beautiful there—have you ever been?"
"No."
"Well, you should definitely visit sometime. It's completely different from anywhere else in Orre!"
Love the awkwardness of this whole conversation, and the sense of Rui's relatively privileged background. Her mind just goes to moving around a lot because of parents' jobs, and when he says he grew up on the streets she just has no idea how to even react to that. Then once the welcome topic change comes along, even then she's going have you ever been and you should definitely visit sometime - like he might have just hopped over there on vacation. Totally checks out that that'd be the way she'd be used to framing that sort of thing, but for a guy who's been living on the streets, it must sound absurd.
And then "How would you know". Of course it's entirely reasonable for Rui to be aware what most places in Orre look like from pictures, books, TV, even if she hasn't been around a lot, but for Wes with his undoubtedly colorful life experiences it just sounds dumb for someone who self-confessedly hasn't been around much to start talking about how her hometown compares to the rest of Orre.
Really feeling the gap between them, all in all.
"Well," he said after an awkward pause, "how do you like the rest of Orre, then?"
Almost immediately a voice screamed at him inside his head. She just got kidnapped, idiot! What kind of a question is that?
Enjoy this way of putting it (specifically by invoking the description of the house again).
"Well, I won't pretend that this isn't...very hard to believe, my dear," said the mayor after a pregnant pause. "Are you certain about this...this gift of yours?"
Feels like kind of a funny question to ask. If someone claims they have supernatural powers, I'm not going to ask "Are you sure?", right? It's not like I'm going to believe them if they just say they're sure, and odds are they wouldn't be asserting it as fact in the first place if they didn't feel pretty sure of it. I think this'd read more naturally if he just said it's very hard to believe; Rui's response and his from there could be the same, since my impression either way is that he just sort of provisionally humours her for the purposes of the conversation.
Wes didn't trust drinks from strangers, so he quietly declined his tea.
Of course he does. We might not need it explicit in the narration that he doesn't trust drinks from strangers, I think.
As the doors shut behind them, Wes couldn't help but feel that they had just wasted a massive amount of time. Rui must have sensed this, too, because he noticed she was staring at the ground with slumped shoulders as they walked to the Pokémon Center.
Wasn't their agreement just that Wes would take her to the mayor? I'm surprised he's not wondering why she's still following him.
Wes was about to head in the direction of the Center when he noticed Rui stop short. What now? He followed her alarmed gaze to what she was staring at and suddenly he, too, stopped walking.
Had a bit of a double-take here because previously you stated Rui was "staring at the ground with slumped shoulders as they walked to the Pokémon Center", and then picked up with Neo and Novo being sent out, so my impression was they'd already made their way to the Pokémon Center - but now Wes is "about to head in the direction of" the Center.
He exuded an air of cold, crisp, precise cruelty as he walked. Wes had seen his share of men drunk with power who thought they had it all—but this man knew he was in charge, and was keenly aware of his own authority. The stranger passed them on the sidewalk, but not before turning his head to glance at them. Wes met the man's eyes for just a second, and felt a chill trickle down his spine; his eyes were red as blood.
Wes couldn't help but nod in agreement. He was immensely grateful that such a person was only a stranger and nothing more. He had a feeling he would never want to tangle with that man.
This feels a bit on the nose; I'm not sure anyone thinks to themselves, "Man, I'm glad this person I just passed in the street is a stranger to me." Like, why wouldn't he be a stranger? It just makes me think like, "Wow, I sure am glad this guy is not going to be an important character!"
Johto. Wes had only heard stories of it, but it sounded like a beautiful place, so entirely different from the sandy Orre Region. He'd heard about green forests that stretched as far as the eye could see, of giant shining lakes, of mountains that stretched so high you couldn't see their peaks. He'd dreamed of seeing it from the moment he first learned of its existence.
Presumably it was Alden who told him about Johto and made him want to go there in particular!
I'm still kind of curious why Wes is waiting for Rui to make her call, when as far as I can tell he has no intention of sticking around with her at this point.
Rui surprised him by throwing him a withering look. "Yes, I'm hearing about it just now," she said scathingly. "It's not like I've spent the last twenty-four hours in a sack or anything!"
Huh, that's a lot longer than I was assuming. That's a while to spend with nothing to drink, no bathroom access, etc., especially in the desert.
She turned her eyes to his, and he was shocked at the amount of pure hatred he saw there. "Yes," she said quietly. "I hate Pokémon thieves. Snagem had this coming, and they deserve a whole lot worse."
I like how he makes this decision like, partly out of spite.
"Well, the pigtails don't help," Wes blurted. Rui's eyebrows rose even higher, and he mentally kicked himself. Gods. Was it always this hard to have a normal conversation? He grabbed his water and spent a deliberately long time sipping at it, wishing more now than ever that he'd ordered a beer instead.
And there's their reason to stick together. Wes probably could have just said goodbye and nonchalantly walked off there, given they were already going to split up after dinner - but when he's already grabbed her and pulled her into an alley sort of instinctively, it already has her alarmed enough it's not unreasonable he'd think if he tried to hastily say goodbye she might call after him or demand an explanation. I'd bet Rui's still kind of suspicious, given the way he grabbed her, even if she's choosing to stay quiet about it for now. Will be interesting to see all this come to a head, and what happens once they've gotten her some Pokéballs.
Hello! I'm back, this time to read up to chapter 3! Two chapters this time. Once again, stream of consciousness thoughts and impressions:
I like that the Outskirt Stand was kind of expanded a little, made a more elaborate place than just an abandoned train out in the middle of the desert. I'm still not totally sure how that happened to begin with, really. Having it act as a proper inn, though, was a nice change, though I wonder if Wes was worried at all about being found there. Maybe it was a game of statistics that he wouldn't be found. I wonder how many other inns or outskirt stands of that nature were around, or if he took all of that into consideration.
Boy, the news really has a totally different context when put through the lens of a much more nervous and reserved Wes. He generally seems to realize that an entire criminal organization is after him, now, and that included all the things they would probably do to him if he got caught. A far cry from the wry-smile, confident thief he's normally depicted as.
Ah, and Willie! One of the most well known and yet inconsequential characters from the games, and kinda sorta a rival of yours despite not actually following you anywhere. I wonder what kind of role he will play in all this... If any. He could just be a small introduction to things, too.
Wes is very different here indeed, and now his caution is more along the lines of avoiding trouble and not stepping in if he doesn't have to. He definitely saw a bunch of stuff to be that evasive, especially when it comes to rescuing, I'm gonna guess... Rui?
Anyway, looks like we finally have our first battle! Skipping Willie and going straight to the two goons. And winning soundly, of course. Now it's just a question of when his first real challenge comes, though my guess is that'll be saved for one of the major encounters. I wonder if Miror B will be trouble, just as he famously is... or if it'll be a dance number.
Alright, I'm seeing it already: my guess is that Rui will be the final piece to the puzzle that is Wes' moral compass recalibration. He already has his two Pokemon to guide him, and the trust he holds toward them is one thing, but I suspect there will be more to work with when he has someone who can actually talk to him as a human.
God, Wes is amazingly awkward at interacting with a relatively normal person. I guess spending all that time on the run or with Pokemon who can't talk to you would result in something like that.
And there it is! Rui seemed to have finally won him over at least a little bit when he decided to ignore that intrusive voice in his head and get straight to work helping her get food! I'm wondering just who this voice is now. For a while I was under the impression that it's the same voice in his nightmare about something that happened to him in the past, but I wonder if it's also perhaps a part of him that is also developing from that last trauma. In some ways, is it not Wes' own shadow doing some of that talking, so to speak? I wonder if that's going to be played with at all...
Anyway, that's everything for now. Delightful read so far. I had a peek at the next chapter and it looks like Rui's perspective? A real-shake-up there! I think that's what's happening, at least. Anyway, though, that's for next time.
She pulled her gaze away from Wes to glance at her surroundings; at one point, she thought she saw some town ruins in the distance, and despite the desert heat, she shivered. Wes would probably scoff at her for it, but she hated even thinking of Noctis ruins. They were a bad omen.
This is exactly how you die in horror movies, Rui.
[...]
She couldn't help but notice that the golden rays of the setting sun matched his eyes. Rui balked at this sudden thought. What is wrong with you? she asked herself sternly. She shook her head slightly and then ducked into the cellar.
The cellar door slammed shut and Wes stepped into the room behind her. "It's really not much," he said, "but it's the best option available out here." He must have noticed her eyeing the tiny mattress, because he then added, "You can take that. I'll sleep on the floor."
Rui paused. Should I wake him? she wondered anxiously. She was pondering what to do when Novo, without a sound, slipped from his perch atop his crate down to the floor below, and stepped up to his trainer.
The room brightened a little as his rings filled with light. He bowed his head, touching his muzzle to Wes' forehead, and a soft hum filled the room. After a brief moment, the sound faded, the lights dimmed, and Wes fell back into peaceful slumber with a quiet sigh.
Novo silently stalked back to his crate without sparing Rui so much as a passing glance. She could only stare at him in wonder. What was that? Was this a common occurrence? She'd never seen a Pokémon use Hypnosis on their trainer before...
Rui rested her head back on her pillow. It seemed the more time she spent with this unusual trio, the more questions she had. She was pondering these many questions when she finally drifted back to sleep.
Rui laughed again. "Come on. You and I both know Pokémon aren't easy to come by. They haven't been since the Johtohan War." The smile faded from her face a little. "I...I don't do Pokémon, anyway."
i was gonna make another comment about the #NukeOrre meme from tpp being real but then when i was searching up this quote i accidentally saw a section in another chapter that spoiled that it genuinely was a nuke and i dont know what to say now
other than FUCKING RAD
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General Comments
Something I really appreciated in this chapter was the focus on Neo and Novo's personalities. Their similar names had me mixing them up beforehand when they didn't seem to act in a very distinct manner from one another (though I could be mistaken precisely due to the fact that I kept mixing up the names, and could have attributed actions to the wrong eons), but now we get a clear difference in how they think, what their personalities are and how they react to other people. I think I was able to learn which was which pretty early on when they started showing different behavior, and I think I'm going to remember from now on, too.
I also like how - intentionally or not - Neo and Novo seem to reflect different attitudes within Wes. Neo is opening up to Rui and wants her to stay while Novo rejects her due to his distrust of strangers.
I thought Wes and Rui had good chemistry during that talk in the diner and I liked their interactions, especially Rui's playful teasing. I like how their relationship is evolving - it may be fast in-universe, but within the narration, it feels properly gradual. And I do get this vibe from Wes that he's been lonely and suppressing his caring side for very long and now that someone's finally friendly and clearly non-hostile to him there's a part of him that just wants to care about another person again, goddammit.
I think that's all I got. See you for the next chapter in hopefully less than a year lmao.
” And in general, it still feels like it’s going pretty slow. Which, isn’t necessarily bad, given you’re filling that space with focus on Wes and his many, many trauma-related issues, but means that for 160K words… not very much happened in the big picture. We’re still setting different parts of Orre up, and we’ve only properly been to two cities.
