Pokémon Of Sand and Shadows

[HelloYellow17]

Got some meaty reviews here, love it!

Spoiler: Kintsugi and Pen reviews

Emok is interesting! I'm a little leery of the curvy seductress archetype, and a bit moreso with how Rui is immediately like "grrr must destroy" (girl. focus on the waterfall mayor who's blackmailing your friend and eating pancakes while the city starves or like, the people who put you in a sack). In this chapter, it feels like Emok's stuck in the same boat as Wes/pickpocket boy, except she has to like, swim in heels when it sinks or something. I'm curious what information she has, what questions they'll ask her, if she'll answer truthfully--Wes has this strange habit of being distrustful to everyone except for the people who would logically lie to him, but I like the idea of honor among thieves/street kids seeing a bit eye-to-eye here. There's a definite divide in Pyrite, and I think we're beginning to see that Wes is more comfortable on one side than the other (and that one side is way more comfortable with him than the other).

Pen made a similar point about Emok in a recent review, and I agree that she needs a lot more dimension! As for fleshing out the overall dynamic between Wes and the gang...guhhhhhh. I am having a REALLY rough time with it. To be honest, ever since chapter 9, I’ve really been struggling with all of my chapters, largely because I have a solid idea of how I want each character to come across to the reader and of what I want their relationships with each other to be...but I have NO idea how to accomplish it, so I’ve just been slogging through the mud and hoping I’m at least somewhat accomplishing things.

The points you and Pen have been making so far pretty much confirm my worries that I’m not quite getting it right, and...I just have no idea where to even start to fix things. It makes me want to go back and completely re-hash chapters 10, 11, 12, and maybe 14, but again, I don’t know how to make them better. It’s like I’ve been in a fog with these chapters. Honestly? If you have the time and energy for it, I’d love some coaching And guidance—only if you’re able to, though! I just need a little help to steer me in any sort of direction, I think. 😅

I feel like you'd actually have a better shot if your pokemon are out of their balls if you're worried about theft, especially for smaller ones like Neo and Novo--this chapter makes it clear that pickpockets exist and that Emok can see Wes' pokeballs from wherever he has them. And if a trafficker is going to attack you on the street in broad daylight, you're probably screwed, but I feel like you'd be less screwed than if you didn't have your pokemon out?

I think this could be worked around again with the "Espeon and Umbreon are uniquely rare species in Orre" angle--that way, there's a benefit to hiding them + relying on the hope that people won't flag him as having something worth stealing.

Hmmm this is actually a very fair point. Harder to steal a Pokémon if they’re able to put up a fight. I like the suggestion of having Wes keep them inside, not because of general reasons, but because Neo and Novo are very rare Pokémon and would make him a bigger target due to their species.

I wonder if chapters 10, 11, and 12 couldn't be condensed a bit. They all seem to revolve around: Wes realizes the shadow pokemon are more messed up than he expects, the pick-pocket boy plan, and the mayor's bustling house. One thing I'm confused by plotwise--a strategy like challenge people with shadow pokemon to a battle and then have a pickpocket steal it isn't a plan that really seems to rely on his Snag device or have much to do with the infiltration plan mentioned earlier. I was surprised when Wes continues to be extremely surprised pikachu face when the shadow pokemon go on rampage during the battles. I'm not sure what else he expects at this point, especially if he picked the one who is most inclined to aggression. I would have liked to see a bit more of Wes trying to interact with them, or at least try things like teach them normal moves. Can they do them in practice, but then abandon them in the heat of battle? Pokemon POV might be a nice way to add some variety to this chapter. Mentioned more below, but I'm curious to see what Neo/Novo think of the shadow pokemon and any interactions they've had.

See my first paragraph in response to kint above! I’ve been really wanting to show more of Wes interacting/bonding with the Shadows, and of the Pokémon interacting with one another, but I just feel like I have SO much going on all at once and I have no idea how to pace it properly, let alone how to get it across clearly to the reader. Would love to have some more in-depth conversations on how to go about fixing this and how to move forward, and especially on if/how I should go about restructuring the last handful of chapters.

Oof. Very fair. I'm amazed they're letting the shadow pokemon out in the house at all, or that the mayor dude is good with this. Surely he knows that something could go wrong in an instant, and if it did, his precious kids could be savaged? He's putting a lot of trust in . . . Wes, the person he seems to deeply distrust.

Again, more holes that I’m struggling to fill due to trying to juggle so many characters/issues at once with no sense of direction. It’s a fun time, haha.

It would be nice to have a little more here, to show us Wes is trying. Staring outside--could indicate a desire to go outside. Has Wes tried opening the window, asking Maku if he'd like to take a walk? Or is this more of a Novo: I must watch stance, which Wes would probably recognize.

Oh I like these specific suggestions! Now...where would I place such a scene? Figuring out how and where to place all of these moments is yet another struggle of mine.

Huh, I feel like something like that would be hella expensive--Orre seems lowtech, and Pyrrite in particular. Is Johnson super rich to spend that money casually?

Hm this is fair, perhaps I’ll tweak it so that Johnson, Rui, and Silva all pitch in on it together?

Oh, I wasn't aware there was a portable/nonportable distinction. How does nonportable snagging work?

Since Sherles already has pics of him, I don't think he needs to see the Snag machine for the scene to work. Wes can even be extra cocky cause he's hidden the snag machine and then--oops, secret informant.

Heh, this is totally my bad for not making this clearer a LONG time ago. Snagem had massive machines in their base that converted Pokeballs to Snag balls which were capable of stealing already owned Pokémon and overwriting the trainer’s I.D. with that of the Snagger. The portable machine does the same thing, it’s just portable and can convert Pokeballs on the go. I struggled to find a spot where I could organically explain this, but i definitely need to find a way to fit it in somewhere...perhaps in chapter 5 or 7 when Wes is reflecting on how uncomfortable he is with still Snagging even after leaving the team?

I think I'll have to see what role each of them end up playing in the plot/plan before I can give you anything too actionable, unfortunately. Johnson has felt kind of superfluous to me so far.

Sure, that’s fair. Once you’re caught up, I’d be happy to send you some notes on each person’s role in the story, namely Silva and Johnson.

So like, let's start with why someone would wear skin-tight clothing when it's obviously uncomfortable and equally obviously makes you a target in the kind of city where people leer at Rui on the streets. Maybe it's to be a target--so people take her less seriously and aren't on their guard. That's a legit reason. But if that's the case, why do all that with Wes? It seems like they tentatively trust each other. So you could show them coming upon her in the middle of some flirt thing, but when she starts talking to Wes, it's all business. That would establish some nuance fairly quickly. Some details about how they met each other could help--or! Something surprising. She could be friends with Novo or something. That would be an easy way to telegraph some mutual respect. Or--Wes once saw some people harrassing her in a backalley and started to intervene bc oops he actually is a big damn hero but bigger whoops, she actually had it under control and gives him shit for it. But later she helped him out when he was in a sticky spot. And now their in-joke is "I was handling it." Or--I think you get the picture.

Oh these are FANTASTIC ideas, and I’m definitely going to spend some thinking about what scenario I’d like to use! Just reading these surface-level ideas already provides a lot more depth to her character and the dynamic between her and Wes. LOVE IT.

 

[Pen]

Hello, I am back. * friendly fire sounds *

You must have been giggling at my last review. 'Oh hellowyellow, it sure would be cool to get some Neo/Novo POV on the shadow pokemon.' 'Why yes, indeed it would.' Maku POV was so good, and hurt my heart. I really liked the way you drew out how any good memories are so firmly entangled with the bad, that he tries not to think about anything at all. And so the very things that might help him have to be refused, because they hurt.

I was really interested in the blow-up between Wes and Duking. What does it mean to follow the law in a lawless world? What moral authority does Duking, the mayor of a town without schools with the resources to school his kids, and Sherles, a police chief in a town where the police don't seem to do anything meaningful, have when they talk about illegality? Earlier I asked whether the essence of snagging being wrong has to do with the way the pokemon taken are hurt, or the way the people who owned them are hurt, and the answer in this world seems to be the latter. When laws protect the interests of the powerful, as opposed to the powerless, is breaking them unethical? I agree with Wes here that the sheriff and mayor are fundamentally hypocrites in their actions and attitude so far.

In terms of pacing, this chapter still feels like we're 'gathering the gang' and there's a bit of artificiality to that. I'm still now sure how stealing random shadow pokemon gets them closer to solving the root of the problem--who is distributing them. Why not interrogate one of the trainers he fought for answers? Or why not have Wes try and seek out a shadow pokemon to buy himself (which I thought was the original plan)? Having them accrue shadow pokemon to run around the mayor's house feels a little absurd to me. I'm not sure how the fortuneteller lady will play into the crew--it was funny to come across a character I sort of knew, though. She shows up in kint's Orre fic, though she's lot more spooky.

Since I'm now caught up, some big picture thoughts. I think this story really shines with getting in Wes' head and how you portray Neo and Novo. The initial arc was driven by a strong character conflict of "I want to leave but oops I can't leave." The arc starting with chapter 9 seems to focus more on Wes' feelings of not belonging and the problem of the shadow pokemon. These are both compelling, but I do feel like the sense of urgency of the earlier chapters has dropped out a bit. I'm a fan of slow-paced, internal stories, but the set-up you have here seems more geared to the fast-paced, and the more tangible, external issues looming over Wes' head in the first arc--snaggers and shadow-pokemon people after him--don't really seem like they could have gone away just by him going from Phenac to Pyrrite. The worldbuilding with the Orre's history and the lack of pokemon has been really interesting. Some of the more mundane worldbuilding, though, has struck me as being more in broad strokes. I'm still a bit baffled as to who actually holds power in Orre. It doesn't seem to be the government, and it also doesn't seem to be the snaggers, even though they're obvious candidates as a gang with easy access to pokemon ie weapons. Lawless places still have power structures, and it feels a bit like we have two worlds overlaid--one where the police/government have no power and don't do much, and another where someone like Sherles can talk about accountability. Rui sometimes strikes me as if she's not quite from the same world in a way that privilege alone doesn't explain--she is surprised that Wes is surprised about there being trees anywhere in Orre, she's surprised that Duking's wife died of Noctis when it seems like that is common. I guess I don't have a defined sense of what is typical in this world. Pyrrite doesn't have a school, which indicates there's basically no middle/upper class there, even one that lives completely separately. So this isn't a two worlds situations--it seems like there's one world, and it's Wes' world. I wonder why, if Rui's home is such a haven, it's not a well-known location that people speak about and want to travel to. Stuff like this is background, but those kinds of details fitting together is what makes a world feel real to me.

Worldbuilding rambling aside, I've really enjoyed this ride so far. I am aboard the Orre express and not looking back! now give me a google doc

Spoiler: Line-by-lines

Lon's face was a picture of shock as he took in the sight of the sizable house. Compared to the sprawling, luxurious buildings in Phenac, Duking's home wasn't extraordinary by any means; it was a simple cabin-style home that might have once looked immaculate, but time and dust had coated it to more or less match the look of the rest of the town and the plateaus surrounding it. But in Pyrite, where most housing options were limited to rundown apartments, it may as well have been a high-end mansion.

A simple cabin-style home with a built-in waterfall, lol. I've been wondering about the mayor's neighborhood--even the most rundown place usually has a more high-class sector, and with how oblivious his kids seem to be to what the rest of the city is like, it would make sense for them to live in that kind of neighborhood.

He heard a woman's voice first, a rough cadence that was shrill with distress.

Rough and shrill are pretty much complete opposites, so this is pretty hard to hear in my mind.

As he, Lon, and Rui stepped inside and shut the door behind them, he caught sight of Duking attempting to soothe an elderly woman who was ranting in hysterics.

Ranting in hysterics is a bit redundant. Maybe, "Duking attempting to soothe a ranting elderly woman."

She pointed a gnarled finger at him and took a menacing step towards him

The double him reads a little funny. How about, "She pointed a gnarled finger at him and took a menacing step forward."

Her stern, wrinkled face seemed barely large enough for her massive spectacles, which magnified her eyes and gave her a distinct look that resembled a Flygon.

Hah, fun simile here.

Kids on the street couldn't care less about who had what titles or who was supposed to be in charge; the only thing worth remembering was who was a friendly face and who meant them harm.

This line nicely encapsulates that divide--law doesn't mean anything if it doesn't impact you.

"I wouldn't have chased him if he hadn't run," Wes grumbled.

Lol, Wes, that's Neo logic.

She is an honorable woman and deserves your respect." His gaze sharpened and bore into Wes on the last word, and Wes returned it with a glare.

Oops, he said Wes' trigger word.

Most importantly, we have to find who is behind this."

Still not clear how the 'steal random shadow pokemon' helps with this part, though.

nor could he tell them what Snagem ever did with their stolen Pokémon.

Beyond, like, sell them?

"'Doesn't seem right', does it?" Wes folded his arms and stared hard at the mayor, trying and failing to keep his rising frustration from showing. "Funny that should come from you - from both of you - when you've blackmailed me into this whole damn operation in the first place."

Sherles raised an eyebrow. "Would you rather I arrested you instead? That was your only other option, if you recall. I wasn't about to let you just walk out of my office, not with the evidence I had against you."

"And authorizing me to steal Pokémon for you?" Wes shot back. "Last time I checked, that was still illegal, with or without your permission!"

Duking snarled. "You've got some nerve preaching to us about what's legal, kid!"

Wes snapped his gaze up to meet Duking's. "Well, maybe it's about time someone told you you aren't above your own rules!"

Mm, a lot to unpack here. This exchange feels like the crux and culmination of a lot of issues we've seen with Pyrrite's divide and the larger questions of what snagging means, what the law means.

"Should my actions in this investigation be made public, I will certainly lose my position and any credibility I have ever had. It's quite possible it would undo everything I have worked for, everything I have strived to build within this force."

I don't feel like I buy this. I haven't seen any indication yet that oversight actually exists here. Who is going to remove him, exactly? Not the mayor. Who does the mayor answer to? Do they care? What credibility does the sheriff have and with whom? What has he woked for, exactly? All the previous worldbuilding has shown that the police don't have any credibility and have no influence in Pyrrite.

"And I got especially tired of watching kids die on the streets."

Hm, but that's a bit unrelated, isn't it? Shadow pokemon aren't what's causing that.

Wes wasn't sure he'd ever met anyone quite so willing to go out of their way for street kids without expecting anything in return.

He's expecting something in return from Wes and Lon, though . . .

Afraid? That word made Wes bristle. He was not afraid of anything, least of all some random, naive girl's opinion of him.

This seems like a little much. I get the sense that Wes would be willing to own up to be afraid of certain things--things that make sense to be afraid of, like getting cornered by Sgaem and having Neo and Novo taken away. I wonder if you could more pull on the idea that he's not afraid of things as meaningless as Rui's opinion of him.

She was nothing more than a clueless girl from some insignificant town, and he couldn't care less what she thought of him - hell, they weren't even friends. Why would he care?

De nile is a river.

And yet, despite the fact that he let out Neo and Novo in an attempt to calm his agitation with their presence, the question needled at his mind for the rest of the day.

Maku couldn't remember.

Missing section break.

Maku couldn't remember.

Strong section opener here.

Because if he did remember, then he would have to also think about his most recent memories. Ones of pain and terror and misery, ones he tried his best to blot out and shut out, ones he tried not to feel. He would have to think about how he might have been happy, a lifetime ago, but that it had all been ripped away from him. That laughter and bright sunlight had been replaced with blinding sterile lights overhead and cold, indifferent voices discussing what to do next, what new methods could be tried -

He shuddered and forced away all thought, all memory, all horror that threatened to bubble to the surface.

Maku couldn't remember. He did not want to. He did not.

Oh no, baby!

It was bizarre, the way they were fighting, and yet also...not fighting. No blood was drawn, no yelps of pain or fear ever escaped.

Shadow pokemon tries to understand play is so good and hurts so much.

Neo chirped again, kneading the carpet with his paws. "Yes! Play!"

Neo you are adorable and I love you. You nailed the physicality here!

Maku and Neo both turned to Novo as he answered. He was looking at the Makuhita with a calm, steady gaze. "Fun is happy."

Novooo! 💔

"No." The word escaped him in a snarl, a little more fiercely than intended. He opened his eyes and saw Neo flinch at his sudden hostility; Novo continued to fix him with that unwavering gaze of his.

"No!" Maku barked again. "No play!"

Neo's ears drooped in disappointment. Novo looked him in the eyes and responded with a soft, steady rumble. "No play," he acknowledged.

Noo stop it, this hurts.

.Or was he trying to forget?

Neo had a problem.

No scene break again

He just barely managed to dance out of reach of Nani's flailing jaws as she lunged at him, enraged, her movement spraying water in every direction. A bellow escaped from her maw and echoed off the cavern walls.

Yes. Yes. Yes!

Wes: Neo, no
Neo: NEO YES

she would learn how to play properly, she simply needed some practice.

That's the question, isn't it.

perfectly content and relishing in the sensation of Wes' hand stroking his fur, it felt like no time at all.

The last few days had been nothing short of a whirlwind

Again, no scene break

had been having a blast coming up with names for the new Pokémon and playing with them whenever Wes or Duking was around to supervise - much to Duking's worry and dislike.

This strikes me as unrealistic. Like, these are his precious, breakable children. These are vicious, of-of-control shadow pokemon. The only thing standing between his kids and mauling, maiming, death etc is Wes, who he trusts as far as he could throw. Worry and dislike?

Rui was certain she was never going to get the sickly, overpowering Sweet Scent out of her clothes after Kohna had suddenly sneezed and caused the Skiploom to erupt in the middle of the living room.

Interesting to have sweet scent as a startle/fear reaction--wouldn't it attract more predators than it dispelled?

"That was a battle." Wes had kept his eyes trained on the shivering lump of fur across the cavern. Even with an entire room of space between them, the Flaaffy's terror was almost tangible. "She couldn't afford to be like this."

Oof. Really nicely done here.

"Look, I'm not a futon. I can only fit so many Pokémon in my lap at once."

Hah!

Spoiler: Reply to reply!

Would love to have some more in-depth conversations on how to go about fixing this and how to move forward, and especially on if/how I should go about restructuring the last handful of chapters.

👏 let's do it!

Snagem had massive machines in their base that converted Pokeballs to Snag balls which were capable of stealing already owned Pokémon and overwriting the trainer’s I.D. with that of the Snagger. The portable machine does the same thing, it’s just portable and can convert Pokeballs on the go. I struggled to find a spot where I could organically explain this, but i definitely need to find a way to fit it in somewhere...perhaps in chapter 5 or 7 when Wes is reflecting on how uncomfortable he is with still Snagging even after leaving the team?

Ahhh, gotcha. That definitely seems like a detail that could be worked in. How new exactly are these portable snag devices, though? And since Wes knows other bases exist, that means there are more portable snag devices than his alone out there, right?

 

[Sinderella]

Hey HelloYellow17! After seeing all the banter about OSAS on Discord, I finally was able to get to starting it...and now I understand why everyone calls it "Of Sand and Bacon" I read through Chapters 1 and 2, and got halfway through 3 before my eyes started to hurt from staring at my screen...so I will finish it later on and just tack on my review of that to this one!

Let me just clarify, I have not played Pokemon Colosseum, and do not know much about the game. I, however, did read a lot about Orre on Bulbapedia before starting. But, if I do make a comment on something that I might have better understood if I played the game, please forgive me!

Anyway, on with it.

I have to say, I'm obsessed with how you characterize Neo and Novo. I love how Neo's this cocky little boy, and Novo's the more reserved one. Likewise, I also have a very soft spot for edgy, moody, MC's, and Wes (so far) fits that to a T. I know Colosseum kinda left him as a board, so it's cool to see him with some personality. I love how we're introduced to him, as he's blowing up this hideout and running away from this big guy, who I think might have been a sort of "father figure" (I say that very loosely) to him, based on the single line we get from him in the first chapter, and the subsequent "voices" he recalls later on and in the next chapter.

Even though I'm not at all sure why Wes is so desperate to leave Orre, I'm already rooting for him to be on his very merry way. I have to assume it has something to do with the dream he had in the first chapter, but that's mere speculation.

It already seems like we're going to be getting into some deep sh*t based on what I read in chapter 2. Human trafficking? Kidnapping? I'm shook. Wes seems to be running away from one from problem, and diving headfirst into uncovering a whole new one. Although, I have to wonder if the kidnapping and trafficking also go hand in hand with Team Snagem? I know it was mentioned in chapter 1 that Snagem did partake in Pokemon trafficking, so maybe they've expanded? Rui also mentioned a Makuhita that "didn't look right," so maybe they're doing some trafficking and experimentation of some sorts? Ugh! So many questions. Can't wait to see what the answers are, especially because I know very little about the game. I'm excited to see your specific spin on it!

As far as critiques go, I did notice that some of your sentences had some repetitive words, and I'll be sure to point out a few examples in the line-by-lines. Also, I found the interaction with Willie a little odd. I figured it was just a jab at general Pokemon games, how random people show up out of the woodwork and just ask for battles--but I did some extra digging and found that it actually happens in the game, and it made a little more sense (like I mentioned, please bear with me and my lack of knowledge on the game!). However, even knowing that, it was still a little weird. He was described in such depth, I was expecting a little more significance from him as a character, but it struck me as him being there just to be there, if that makes sense.

The transition between Wes arriving to the Outskirt Stand and his dream sequence was also a little bit jarring to me. He's walking up to the door with Neo and Novo and suddenly he's dreaming. The dream sequence was fantastic, I just would have liked to see some sort of formal transition--maybe a border, maybe a small scene showing him purchasing the "room" for the night. Something to indicate we're going into a skip.

All in all, I really enjoyed this read, and I can't wait to finish chapter 3...and every chapter after! Keep up the good work!

Spoiler: Chapter 1

"LEO! I'LL KILL YOU, BOY!"

A terrifying roar of rage sounded from behind the trio, and the Trainer turned his head to see his least favorite person in the world: a massive, hulking man with no hair (though he made up for that with impressive eyebrows and facial hair), charging straight toward them, his face red and contorted with unfathomable fury. A cluster of his employees streamed after him, their shouts and cries adding to the chaos.

Anger and bitter satisfaction alike swelled inside his chest. He faced his now-former boss with a growl.

"If you're going to threaten me," he said, "call me by my real name." He sneered. "It's Wes, by the way. In case you forgot."

So I was a little confused here in regards to the names. First Neo was mentioned, then suddenly I saw Leo. I thought it was a typo, but then Wes clarified. I have no idea if that was an actual line in the game, it just momentarily confused me.

He glanced over his shoulder and found his Espeon a few yards away, yipping loudly at the people fleeing the burning building, tail waving triumphantly in the air. He didn't speak Pokemon, but the young runaway figured if he did, he would be hearing a choice selection of colorful insults.

"Neo, you idiot-"

"Espi-esp, esp, esp! Es-SPI!?" The Espeon's barks cut short in a yip of surprise as his Trainer hauled him off his feet and shoved him under one arm. He sprinted back to the motorcycle and dumped the creature rather unceremoniously into the sidecar next to his brother, ignoring the Pokémon's cries of indignation.

Awwwwwww I loved this little bit of characterization here for Neo! Really made me laugh!

"How about I get you a whole plate of bacon and we call it even. Truce?"

OF SAND AND BACON, THERE IT IS!

He wasn't sure if they heard the last line, as they were already bounding excitedly to the entrance of the train car. He snorted in exasperated amusement, then followed his companions into the warmth of the diner.

Muffled cries, the screams of Pokémon, a child sobbing quietly in a corner - images and sounds flickered and blurred together, one coming right after the other as if in a disorganized photo reel.

A flicker, and there was a dark room, in which a child was sobbing over the limp form of a Pokémon's body. He looked up, tear-stained face twisted with anger. "This is YOUR FAULT!" he screamed.

The scene dissolved into darkness, and a man's husky, menacing voice spoke in a snarl. "It's time you learned this lesson, boy."

Another shift, another dark room littered with Pokémon lying ominously still, and there was another voice, a kinder voice, accompanied with a sad, tired smile.

"Do good, kid."

Was a little thrown here. I know I mentioned it above, but just some sort of transition indication would have helped a lot here!

This dream sequence was GREAT though. So dark, so messed up, so mysterious...I dig it. I cannot wait to read what the backstory here is.

Novo purred in response and brushed his face against his trainer's shoulder. Wes lay back down in his sleeping bag and closed his eyes as his Umbreon touched his nose to his forehead and purred gently, using Hypnosis.

This was an interesting little moment! I love reading about Pokemon using their moves to help their trainers, or humans in general. Very neat!

Spoiler: Chapter 2

He was awakened the following morning by the sound of footsteps and chatter from the diner overhead. He sat up, stretched, and was slowly gathering his bearings when a familiar smell wafted to his nose...

Bacon.

BACOOOONN....

"We'll head to Phenac to stock up on supplies, and head straight to Gateon from there. It'll take us a handful of days, but if we only stop for occasional breaks, we should make it in good time. And then, if all goes well, I can get a passport there and we'll be out of Orre. For good."

I'm very interested in learning why it seems so difficult to get out of Orre. And also, why he wants to leave so bad in the first place.

The man chuckled and removed his hat, revealing a surprisingly young-looking face and a head of pink hair - pink hair? He offered a hand to the young trainer. "Name's Willie. Yours?"

The battle kicked off with Willie summoning two Zigzagoon, and suddenly it was over before it had even begun. Wes called for Neo to use Confusion and Novo to use Bite, and before either of their opponents could launch a solid attack, they were both lying motionless in the sand.

Oh my god, this man is strong!

We won't be here for long, Wes told himself as he and his partners walked to the city gate. Just head to the market, grab supplies, and get back on the road. In and out. Simple.

The desert winds billowed the tails of his blue trench coat behind him as he, Neo, and Novo approached the city gate. Neo swatted playfully at the swaying fabric before bounding ahead to be at the front of the group, where he usually preferred to be.

They had just stepped through the city entrance

This is just some nit-picky stuff, but the perpetual mentioning of "city gate" and "city entrance" weighed down these three paragraphs.

Merciful Arceus, he thought. Kidnappers? In broad daylight? In Phenac City, no less? Even for Orre's standards, it was rather bold.

For Orre's standards? This really is a lawless land!

"Neo, Novo, charge up!" Wes barely had time to give the command before the opposing Pokémon launched their assault. The Eons responded immediately to the veiled phrase, having executed it hundreds of times before.

Neo's forehead jewel gleamed, and a silvery Protect shield formed around him, blocking the Whismurs' attacks completely. Novo, however, braced himself and took the hit - he tumbled backwards, then scrambled back to his feet and howled. Neo's fur bristled and his eyes gleamed as he gained strength from his brother's Helping Hand.

I really love the way you write out battle scenes!

"HAH?!" Trudly roared in fury at his partner, who stood frozen in shock. "Was that the best you could do against some scrap off the street? You're an embarrassment!"

Damn, this man really didn't want to admit defeat did he?

A low, harsh, eerily familiar voice rang inside Wes' head. Sticking your neck out for people is what gets you killed, it snarled. Don't be a fool, boy.

I presume this is the same guy who was chasing him in chapter 1?

Neo chirrupped happily and Marla beamed at him approvingly. "You're such a kind gentleman!"

I'm definitely not.

I love this edge.

 

[Umbramatic]

I am BACK! For CHAPTER 3!

I love Rui so much. You've captured so much of the charm she has in game and more. My only regret is you didn't incorporate the line about her calling Wes a handsome prince because that tickled me as a kid and made me ship them.

I would be the guy to go "this particular individual and that particular individual seems sus" but 1. this isn't Among Us and A. this is a retelling of a game I've beaten. I know what happens. That is unless you significantly change the story. Which you could. in before Michael comes in by time travel and derails the plot.

The eeveelutions, as usual, are adorable. Let them in the play area. LET THEM.

Wes' intrusive thoughts are mean. I cheered when he backsassed them. I also was audibly like "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" when Rui backsassed Wes.

Speaking of changing things I thought Wes would have gotten his first Shadow by now. Are you skipping most of those? If so I wonder which ones he DOES nab. Plz give him Quilava.

In any case they seem to be headed to Pyrite next. Rui has been there before so she will probably be fine. I hope.

I love the description of the OBVIOUSLY EVIL MAN I will NOT mention the identity of because I know some people reading this aren't super aware of Colosseum's plot? Because NOT EVERYONE GREW UP WITH IT AS A SACRED COW, FANDOM, SO- oh no my Unpopular Opinion gremlin is taking over

I will be back for more! Eventually.

 

[Flyg0n]

Gah, I'm really liking this story. Stopping at 4 was hard. I'll probably read more later.

Anyway, I'll start with a broad overview of the whole story up until now, chapter 7. Very interesting. It's been forever and a day since I played colosseum, so this is all fairly new to me. I absolutely adore Wes, and the little bits of insight you've given us into his character. I can see you really seem to be trying to develop his backstory and the history of Orre further as well.

Little bits like his time in Snagem and them people there coupled with the effects it has on him really comes together. You've also given Rui more depth than I can guess she had in the games. You've given her a backstory of her own ( I doubt that was in the game).

You've also woven in this whole thing about a (nuclear??) war with Kanto and this Noctis virus (which I was confused about for so long until chap 7.)

I am very intrigued to see how you will develop this all.

The structure and pacing of the story so far feels good to me. There's always something happening, and I have a solid idea of what all the characters want. Wes of course wants out. Rui wants to get home but also wants to help. Neo and Novo want more bacon lol.

Events are happening and I think there's a solid balance between character actions and outside influence. I can't really say that there are any overall criticisms I have, save for fight scenes. Fights and action scenes are the absolute bane of my existence.

Your pokemon battles are overall pretty good, but I did feel that they were a tad dry, prose-wise. In the fight between Neo/Novo and that Makuhita in the Mayor's office, the sentences felt a bit on the repetitive side a few times.

Luckily, I think that's a simple enough fix by varying the choice of words at the beginning of a sentence. Otherwise, the construction of the fight was good methinks, so far as a feeling and tension and balance.

That concludes my overall thoughts. I'll break into some line-by-lines for each chapter, and more focused thoughts.

Spoiler: Chapter 4

This was great to get a Rui POV chapter. The insight into her worldview and in particular her view of Wes adds a lot to this story imo. Then branching that into using chapter 4 to give everyone a POV? fantastic!!

The little asides and things from Neo and Novo are just delightful to read. This might be one of my favorite chapters in the story so far!

His aura, a pleasant blue color, seemed to indicate so, at least. And he didn't have to escort her all over Phenac and treat her to a meal, least of all take her somewhere to find Pokeballs. His actions seemed very contradictory to his attitude, and she had to admit she found it a little amusing.

I love two things here. 1: The observation of his aura color. I hope if we get more Rui POV we continue to see her using her aura sight to discern things about people and observe them! And 2: Her acknowledging how his actions don't match his attitude. Such a funny little tidbit.

Neo shamelessly purred louder in response.

Neo is such a glutton I just love love love Neo and Novo.

This is exactly how you die in horror movies, Rui.

Lol. I guess horror movies in pokemon follow the same tropes huh? ANyways this was funny. Its always good when a character reasonably recognizes that situation feels sketch.

As if on cue, the Umbreon hopped up onto the crate and peeked at the steadily darkening world through the grimy window. He turned to his Trainer and bunted him happily with his head. A tiny smile tugged at the corners of Wes' mouth as he rubbed Novo's chin.

This was such a cute, sweet detail. I live for these tiny moments.

"Neo, you're getting regular Pokémon food today, and I swear to Arceus if you whine to me about it, I'll put you in your ball for the rest of the day," Wes growled.

Neo looked thoroughly mortified at this answer, but he knew defeat when he saw it. He slunk back to his place under the table with a pout.

Awww </3

What a pair of monsters he'd created.

You really have, Wes.

Rui laughed again. "Come on. You and I both know Pokémon aren't easy to come by. They haven't been since the Kantonian War." The smile faded from her face a little. "I...I don't do Pokémon, anyway."

Intrigue. I hope we get a bit more detail on this.

Well, she clearly had good taste.

He tested this a few more times, and sure enough, each time he brushed against her, he was showered with her affection. She seemed absolutely thrilled every time he paid attention to her, and she was more than willing to return the favor.

Love the Neo pov, love his smug kinda attitude, his thirst for attention.

Who could possibly deny him, Neo the Great (and Handsome, according to the redhead) Espeon, when he put on the charm? Apparently his stone-cold trainer could. Hmphf.

Perfect! Bellissimo! I love how neo thinks of himself as 'Neo the Great'. Very fitting for such a stuck up sort of pokemon (although I'd say he's earned that, just a bit.)

This girl. She was naive. And boisterous. And loud. Her laugh grated on Novo's ears, and he thought her voice was loud enough to draw attention from two streets over. Hadn't the plan been to blend in and go as unnoticed as possible? In fact, wasn't the plan to be well on their way to Gateon by now?

The stark differentiation here between Neo and Novo's views works so good. Please don't let this be the last Neo/Novo pov stuff we get. (I don't expect it all the time but sprinkled throughout would be amazing!!!

Novo did not like this girl.

Loved this.

Spoiler: Chapter 5

Ah, chapter 5! Good chapter, simple. Wes and Rui return only to get dragged into yet another mess. Poor Wes. Woman sure do complicate things, huh? (I jest, I jest.) The mayor has seemingly disappeared(?) and Wes is forced to Snag a shadow pokemon. His first shadow pokemon!! And of course this leads to a flurry of questions and an injury.

Still, they marched up the steps. Rui bounded forward to knock on the door with her usual enthusiasm -

And the door creaked open.

She let out a gasp, and even Wes felt an unpleasant sinking feeling in his stomach. Certainly there was an explanation. The doorman had just forgotten to shut the door tight and lock it...right?

Rui hesitated, then pushed her way inside.

A web shot from the Spinarak’s mouth and stuck to the door over Wes’ shoulder. With a fierce tug, it was slammed shut.

So in the first part, Rui knocks on the door, it opens. Then she pushes her way inside. This implies the door opens inward except later, Spinarak webs the door, tugs it and it slams shut. Which should be impossible if the door opens in. Spinarak could only pull a door shut from inside if it opened outwards.

So one of these two needs to be clarified, which direction the door opens. Unless its a swinging door or something? I don't know.

P*DA

I was so confused when you first spelled PDA like this. Is there a specific reason for the asterisk? When I first saw it I actually thought it was some kind of swear word that was censored, lol. I might be the only one, but spelling it this way really throws me off. Pokenav or PokeCom or something feels more natural imo.

But hey, if you have a reason you do it like that, go for it!

followed by a thrill of pain shooting down his arm as he crashed to the floor.

Thrill of pain here seems like an odd choice. It almost briefly made me think Wes got a thrill out of the pain, but that's not true. Maybe a 'jolt' or burst of pain or something?

Rui scanned his face as if looking for any traces of falsehood. “So...you were never part of Team Snagem yourself?”

“No,” Wes said firmly. “Never.”

“You’ve never stolen a Pokemon?”

“Today was the first.”

X to doubt

But really though, I like that he didn't tell her everything. It would have felt rather cheap and out of character, and it makes perfect sense he wouldn't tell this girl his past. At this point, I highly doubt she would understand. And she really hates Team Snagem, as he well knows. SO this comes together to create solid character tension, imo.

Her face was so sincere as she looked at him. Wes found it so damned infuriating. How in Mew’s name could this girl possibly have the energy to care so much about absolutely everything? Didn’t she ever get tired? Like a normal person?

Ah, the curse of the bubbly anime girl. You're stuck forever now Wes, lol. Also I actually dig the phrase 'in Mew's name'/

Spoiler: Chapter 6

So we go from a seemingly normal and supposedly quick hospital visit to a lockdown and then an ambush. Oh boy.

I thought this chapter was solid. It moved plot along well and was a nice mix of character action leading to a plot action. There was one or two small things that did confuse me here though.

Rui just hoped the Mayor would be found safe and sound...she sighed and slumped in her seat.

So Rui comments hoping the mayor would be found safe, because I guess he was missing. But then later they hear his voice over the loudspeaker and just think he's ok? I was actually expecting them to speculate on if this was really the mayor or if he was held hostage or something.

The transition of wondering if he's ok to hot switching to 'lets get out of here' felt a touch rushed. Maybe I missed a line but I really did expect them to ponder on this tbh.

Crack!

The ominous sound rang out like a gunshot. The Quilava reappeared in a burst of white light, snarling with dark fury. The flames roaring from its neck and tail contrasted starkly with the black cloud of aura around it.

This was the other bit. I saw that Wes threw a ball, but didn't understand until the second read through that they weren't in fact captured like Bayleef, but broke out. Now, I might be the only one, but I really was confused here, because I didn't understand at first that the crack was the pokeball breaking as the Quilava came out.

I just thought there was a weird bang and for some reason Quilava was out again. Of course, my brain interprets things weird sometimes so I guess take my input with a grain of salt.

Also this is another spot where 'The' is used three times in a row to begin a sentence and it feels stiff. Twice is ok, but the third one could be rephrased I think.
'The Quilava reappeared in a burst of white light, snarling with dark fury. Flames roared from its neck and tail, contrasting starkly with the black cloud of aura around it.

Also, I personally opt to refer to pokemon as just 'Quilava' when its a singular entity that's already been established prior, instead of 'the Quilava'. You don't have to do it like that obviously, but that's just my thoughts.

It was a good enough answer, for now. Rui climbed into the sidecar once again, still only just managing not to trip, and once she was settled in, they were off across the sands once more.

Whew. What a chapter. I really liked how you could just feel how angry Wes was by the end of that, getting ambushed and his pokemon hurt. Good chap. Good fight.

Spoiler: Chapter 7

Chapter 7 is another solid one for advancing and fleshing out character. It's quiet, considering very little plot stuff happens, but it's still critical. A lot of lore and character is developed here, making it still feel relevant to me.

Noctis. He'd been so young when the mysterious illness swept through Orre and devastated its population, but he'd heard the stories plenty of times from older adults at Snagem. They spoke of its effects, how it turned one's skin as white as a sheet and blackened their eyes and veins until they looked like a corpse, how the seizures and screams of agony would last for hours, sometimes days, before death took them.

He'd heard other stories, too - about families, neighborhoods, and entire towns like this one that went from active, healthy and thriving communities to desolate, corpse-ridden ghost towns in a matter of days.

Noctis Mortem. Night Death. It was appropriately named.

Finally! I was very confused for awhile, and didn't know Noctis was a disease. I'm not sure if you meant to keep this a secret or not. If you did, good job. If you wanted readers to guess it might be a sickness... well that one flew over my head, lol.

Either way, glad to finally know. And boy does that disease sound scary.

"I don't care who you are, Wesley Lycas, nobody dislocates their shoulder and then walks it off." Rui huffed and folded her arms. "So take the stupid pills already."

Wes stared at her. "Did you just...scold me with my full name like a parent?"

"Yes, and if you keep acting like a child, I'll keep parenting you!" she snapped.

Wes shook his head and popped the bottle open with a grumble. "You're unbelievable."

"Thank you."

"That wasn't a compliment."

"I'm aware."

Nice banter.

"But even so, I'm proud to be his daughter. He was fighting to save lives, and that makes him a hero in my book."

Happy to see this take. Basic bitterness would have felt boring here. I can see too how her views and experiences have shaped her attitude.

"Yes, but I don't think they want to." She raised her eyes to his again with an urgent expression. "They weren't born like this, it's too...unnatural. Someone made them this way. Which means there's got to be a way to fix them."

'She raised her eyes to his again, her expression urgent.' reads more naturally to me, imo. But that really might just be me.

A familiar humming met his ears. He felt Novo touch his muzzle to his forehead. He thought he heard Rui murmur something, but before he could catch the words, he was plunged into darkness once more

Poor Wes :c I'm glad he has Novo to look out for him.
Also I'm a huge sucker for chapter endings with good sentences and I dig this ending. MMMM crunchy.

Overall, very good stuff for sure!! Rewrites are always tricky business but this one is appealing to me. (Of course, I haven't played Colosseum in ages but hey, whatever). I think the prose, characters, and pacing feel clean to me and solid. I didn't notice any glaring grammar or spelling errors. My only qualms or small things with the fight scenes, which are still good.

The real stars of the show here though are Novo and Neo. They have so much attitude, personality and expression. They influence so much of the plot and feel like key players. They completely steal the show for me. I am absolutely in love with them and really would love to get 1000 of them please and thank you.

Anyway, I love this slowly developing relationship that the plot has pushed these four characters into. I really do enjoy your story so much and I'm for sure gonna read more later.

 

[Flyg0n]

Nearly forgot the best bit!

 

[IFBench]

Here to fulfill on my review exchange, and review chapters 4 through 8 of this!

First up, Chapter 4, Questions!

Ooh, it starts from Rui’s perspective! Very nice! I really like multi-perspective stories!

Makes sense that she's still coming to terms with everything that had happened to her since seeing that Makuhita. There was a LOT that had happened.

And we get an explanation as to why she's so trusting of Wes despite his attitude. His aura! I wonder just what other ways Rui's aura-sensing will be used in this story. It has a lot of interesting potential.

She even trusts Wes enough to follow him down into the Cellar. Very interesting!

Huh. Wes is choosing to sleep on the floor. I wonder why. Is it because he's starting to grow fond of Rui? Because of something that happened while he was with Team Snagem? Or is it something else?

Oh boy. Rui witnessed one of Wes' nightmares. This is surely to impact her opinion of Wes at least a bit.

Interesting that Rui is so adverse to being a trainer. I wonder what could have happened to cause that?

I am VERY intrigued about this Kantonian War. Just what happened during that to drive away all wild Pokemon from Orre?

I'm not sure what a P*DA is. Maybe you could explain that?

"Stop sucking up to her. She's not staying."

We even get sections from the Eeveelutions' perspectives! I really like this! Neo and Novo contrast greatly with each other. The Espeon really likes Rui because she gives him attention and food, and is much more upbeat than Wes and Novo. On the other hand, the Umbreon doesn't like Rui very much for mostly the same reasons Neo likes her, plus that she's slowing them down, worrying Wes, and taking his place in the sidecar. Great use of contrast!

He let his ears and tail droop, then looked her straight in the eyes and blasted her with Irresistible Cuteness, utilizing his Begging Eyes to the max.

I love this bit, especially how "Irresistible Cuteness" and "Begging Eyes" are captialized like they're moves or something.

Overall, a great chapter that establishes what Rui's attitudes towards Wes, Neo and Novo are, and what the latter two's attitudes are on Rui in turn. Excellently done!

Next is Chapter 5, Stirring Shadows! Judging by the chapter title, things are probably going to go down in this.

Oh no. The mayor's in danger! Looks like Wes has yet another setback on his quest to Johto.

“You’re a really good person, Wes.”

No, I’m not, Wes thought with annoyance.

Very interesting how low Wes' opinion of himself is.

Rui just waltzes right into danger with only a bit of hesitation. That attitude is probably going to backfire someday.

MIROR B! I've heard a lot about this guy in canon, but never actually looked into him. Either way, your interpretation of him lives up to ALL the hype I've heard about him. He's absolutely hilarious, but also VERY intimidating, and combined with his way-too-casual attitude, and how casually he says some threats makes him a very unnerving character.

Oh boy, it's the Shadow Makuhita. Our first actual look at a Shadow Pokemon! And it tries to attack Wes directly.

He felt a shiver go down his spine; he’d never seen such empty, such soulless eyes in a Pokemon before. He’d seen more than his fair share of abused and neglected Pokémon during his time in Snagem, but none of them had been quite like this. This Makuhita was filled with nothing, nothing at all, except pure, unfiltered hatred.

I really love this paragraph! It really shows just how messed-up shadow Pokemon are.

Wes snags the shadow Makuhita! ...right in front of Rui. He really has some explaining to do.

And Rui finally distrusts Wes. Oh boy. This is quite the mess he's gotten himself into.

Despite everything, Wes still listens to whoever told him that quote about half-truths.

Well, it took some semi-false explaining, but seems Wes managed to keep his identity as a former Team Snagem member under wraps. For now.

Rui wants to save the shadow Pokemon! Interesting. Seems like she really cares for others.

And Wes wants nothing to do with this, and seemingly the two are parting ways after they go to the hospital. Surely that'll go well! /s

Overall, a pretty good chapter that fully introduces shadow Pokemon, and ensnares Wes further into the web of lies he created.

Now for Chapter 6, Lockdown! We're back to Rui's perspective, which is neat.

Aw, Neo's sad about Rui leaving.

Oh boy. Just as they're about to leave, they're forced to stay inside. At least the mayor seems to be safe now, though.

And the group is sneaking out. This ought to go well! /s

“The guy in front is some kind of Town Hall member,” Wes answered as he surveyed the scene, “but I don’t recognize the ones behind him...they can’t be officers, I know Phenac doesn’t have...” he trailed off with a frown.

Looks like something shady is going on here! My guess is that these other people with the Town Hall member are Cipher members.

And oh boy, the Town Hall member is being swapped out for another shady person! And they know there's a Pokemon thief in the city. This can't end well.

Wes managed to get past the I.D. showing with no issues, but that can't be right...

YEP. IT'S A TRAP. THEY'RE BEING ATTACKED. AND THERE'S THREE MORE SHADOW POKEMON, THE MID-EVOS OF ALL THE JOHTO STARTERS. OH BOY.

The battle was really good! There was a lot of action going on, the Makuhita going berserk against the enemy Pokemon was really neat, and the Quilava and Croconaw breaking out of the pokeballs was a good way to bring the focus back to the battle after the Makuhita's rampage. Excellently done!

And the group finally leaves the city to end off the chapter! A great place to end it on.

Overall, a great, very tense and action-packed battle with a lot of detail!

After that is Chapter 7, Noctis Mortem! A very interesting chapter title.

I really like the beginning of this chapter, setting up lots of intrigue with these strange, ruined towns.

Oh no, Novo is hurt really bad! That's a bit surprising, given that it was Neo who was whimpering at the end of the last chapter. Seems Novo doesn't like to show when he's in pain.

The conversation between Wes and Rui afterwards is really good. A lot of reveals, a lot of emotions, and a lot of worldbuilding.

First off, Wes' parents are both dead. Not all that surprising, but still sad.

Second, Noctis. Very, very interesting. The symptoms are completely horrifying, and it looks like it was very widespread and rampant, if it caused entire towns to be abandoned. Terrifying/ I'm guessing that it will pop up again later in the story.

Third...apparently the Kantonian war was a nuclear one?! I was NOT expecting that, but it makes sense. I wonder just how badly Kanto was devestated by the war.

Fourth, Rui's father is dead, too, because of Noctis. Interestingly, though, she has a more positive outlook on it because her father died a hero trying to cure it. An interesting way of further showing the contrast between Wes and Rui.

After that is the nightmare, which...geez, a lot was packed in there. How coldhearted Wes used to be, how brutal Team Snagem is, the execution of the only person that was ever kind to Wes while he was with Team Snagem, it was punch after punch to the heart. REALLY well done.

And then there's the end, where Wes is forcing himself not to cry. Oh dear. I really feel sorry for him. I'm guessing Team Snagem is the one who pushed the "crying is weakness" ideology onto him.

Overall, an excellent, very tragic chapter, filled with reveals and tons of emotion. Possibly my favorite chapter yet.

Onto the final chapter for this review, Chapter 8, City of Rust!

The banter between Wes and Rui was a good way to bring the mood back up after chapter 7.

Pyrite seems like a much shabbier town than Phenac was. Not just by the structures, but also the people there, too, judging by the "easy prey" line.

This Cali person seems pretty interesting. Awfully pushy and lacking a sense of personal space, and seems to know Wes quite well.

No wonder she'd gotten herself kidnapped the first time she was here.

I am very intrigued by this line. How does Wes know about this? Did he rescue her?

And seems like there's even more shadow Pokemon here! They're awfully widespread around Orre it seems.

"That's because I do have a personal issue with them." Rui raised her eyes to meet his, and there was a cold anger in both her face and her tone. "They didn't lift a finger when my starter got stolen from me."

I am VERY intrigued by this paragraph. Seems like the reason Rui is so averse to becoming a trainer is that she used to be one, but then their starter got stolen, presumably by Team Snagem. Very interesting.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I think that Wes might have been the person who stole Rui's starter, and that Rui was one of the two kids in the beginning of the chapter 7 nightmare sequence. I have absolutely no evidence for this, but I think this might be what happened.

Anyways, they're going to the police station now! A criminal, going into the police station. What could go wrong?

More bold lies from Wes. He keeps digging himself deeper and deeper.

And the police chief wants to speak to Wes alone. Oh boy.

OH BOY. The chief knows that Wes is lying, AND that he's a former Snagger. That final line is quite the cliffhanger to leave off on, gripping the reader and pushing them to keep going. Nicely done.

Overall, a very good chapter that introduces the new town, and raises the tensions substantially.

I really enjoyed reading all of this! I'll try to review the rest of the chapters sometime, and I look forward to reading more!

 

[kyeugh]

5. stirring shadows

i feel like the takeaway from this chapter is that wes is really, really resisting his fate as anime protagonist.

seems like orre's troubles run deeper than wes expected! snagem is one thing, but it looks like there's a whole other group of bad guys working on creating shadow pokémon!? i'm assuming it's not snagem behind that, anyway—wes just left them behind a few days ago and doesn't recognize afro guy nor does he know anything about the shadow pokémon. if he really has the last snag machine, i guess he kind of has more of a responsibility to stay behind and see the whole thing through than he would otherwise... who could have guessed blowing up a giant building and all pieces of a certain technology, the last of which you steal for yourself, might have more than one potential negative outcome!?

some good setup here. afro guy is really something, and the two grunt guys from before seem to be named now, so i guess all three of them will be back for more now. i'm assuming they'll become central to the shadow pokémon plot. i'm sure afro guy's flamboyance will be a ton of fun and bounce off wes's edge in the best ways. 😁

i'm starting to have a lot of fun with this fic! it seems like by now it's gotten into a pretty good groove; wes and rui bounce off each other in a way that keeps the fic engaging regardless of what's actually going on. i would never have guessed this fic was an adaptation if i didn't know better; i feel like with game adaptations you sort of fall into the issue of adapting stuff that's very game-y and not very literary, but i'm not getting that at all here—it's all very fluid and tells a cohesive story without feeling like it's awkwardly constructed around game mechanics. perhaps that's because we're still early on and haven't hit the main gameplay yet, but so far the impression is good and i'm very impressed! promise i'll be back for more soon!

Spoiler: line comments

Wes was rubbing his temples in frustration. Another distraction. Another. Damned. Thing. He sighed yet again.

god. literally me every single day. i feel you wes. i feel you.

“First of all, those two thugs had less than one brain cell to share between them, and second of all, we’re talking about the Mayor. He’ll have security with him. Remember that doorman?”

lol, i just had the funniest mental image of the doorman ripping his suit off to reveal he's ripped before beating the ever living fuck out of the two dudes.

He felt ready to sock the next person who needed a favor in the jaw.

lmao, you're making me laugh a lot this chapter already.

Wes noticed the tea set that had been used to serve them yesterday was smashed into pieces on the floor.

oh, they've gone too far. too far, i say.

“I know,” Wes replied. He looked Folly and Trudly up and down with disgust.

huh, did i miss wes picking up these names?

“No, thanks,” Wes said cooly.

this should be *coolly, although i kinda think you could cut it altogether; the dialogue can speak for itself.

“You wanna do this the hard way, then?” Trudly roared. “FINE! Hard way it is!” He addressed his Pokemon. “String Shot

🤔

he swore vehemently and returned his fallen Pokemon to their balls before turning on Wes.

he wants to be capitalized.

The Makuhita’s fist glanced off his right shoulder, and Wes felt something pop, followed by a thrill of pain shooting down his arm as he crashed to the floor.

a thrill of pain. love that.

i'm enjoying the makuhita fight. i'm guessing it's a shadow pokémon? you do a great job making it feel Not Quite Right.

The Pokémon tumbled across the floor, then scrabbled to its feet with another snarl, and Wes got a good look at its eyes.

TIL you can use "scabble" like this.

A stunned silence filled the room, only to be broken by Trudly’s scream.

“WHAT?!”

The ball flew from its place on the floor to Wes’ open hand - the one with the machine. He stared at it numbly, unsure of what to think or feel.

“WHAT DID - HOW DID YOU - THAT’S MY POKEMON!”

Trudly was practically foaming at the mouth. Wes looked up into the man’s eyes

i'd like to think this is how the elite four reacted when i nabbed their pokémon with my action replay in middle school.

“Not anymore,” he said bluntly.

lmao. owned.

“Because he broke one of their rules...I don’t know all the details.” Wes ran a hand through his hair. “I just know that they killed his team and made him watch before they killed him.” Anger started to rise in his chest. Horrifying images, ones that plagued his nightmares, began to flicker across his mind. He shook his head and pushed them back as he took another deep breath.

Not now. Keep it together.

fuck, is this friend a stand-in for wes himself? no wonder he's so edgy, hahaha. idk if this means anything to you but wes is looking more and more like a human ferrycloth.

“I’ve never met anyone else who can see aura...but then I just happened to meet you

i feel like this suggests wes can see aura, which (afaik?) he can't.

Wes sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Of course. Of course this girl, with no knowledge of how the world worked, would want to go charging in to challenge some underground crime ring without evidence, on the off chance they might save some random Pokemon she didn’t even know.

hmm, i understand wes not wanting to be part of whatever she's proposing, but does he genuinely believe nothing's going on? that seems sort of hard to believe given what just happened.

“Well, we cant all be a hero, all right?

dropped an apostrophe in "can't" there.

“I-I didn’t realize you were hit! I’m sorry-”

didn't she? i thought she screamed about it when it happened.

“At least let me go with you. Okay? Then I’ll leave and I’ll be out of your hair, I promise.”

Her face was so sincere as she looked at him. Wes found it so damned infuriating. How in Mew’s name could this girl possibly have the energy to care so much about absolutely everything? Didn’t she ever get tired? Like a normal person?

Wes grumbled in defeat. “Fine.” And with that, he made for the hospital with Rui in tow.

lol. better get used to it buddy, there are at LEAST ten chapters to go.

 

[Flaze]

Sorry it took me so long to get to chapters 9 and 10, it's been a pretty hectic couple of days.

Anyways on a general idea I think chapter 9 works in giving us more detail about Wes' past when he was still in Snaggen and how he deals with it now that he's trying to leave. I do wonder how thing sin Pyrite got as bad as they did considering how capable Sherle seems as a head detective. I mean it makes sense he'd recognize Wes if he knows about Snaggen but it's still a little off.

Duking is also a great new addition for the cast, I always liked the juxtaposition between his physique and the way in which he cares about the town and his family. And on that note I also appreciate how you expanded on his and his kids' personalities, it's not a biiig change but at least their personalities stand out more than the one note they tended to have in the games and I like how they fit perfectly with Neo and Novo as well as Wes and Rui.

But that's in chapter 10 and before I go into that, I do have a small complain about chapter 9. I feel like the pacing in that chapter was a little hindered. The whole chapter takes place in the police commissary and while I understand you had a lot of things to get through, I can't help but wonder if maybe some parts could've been trimmed or shortened to make better use of the space, especially since chapter 10 was longer to begin with.

As for chapter 10, it followed the shift the story has been taking in having two chapters about story progression and one chapter about character progression. Like I said earlier I really like the relationship that our main characters take with Duking and his kids and it's nice to see them bounce off other people for a change, especially in the case of Wes, who usually tries to avoid interacting with others as much as possible.

I also like how you went into more detail in regards to the shadow pokemon. It's nice to know that they're just not killing machines, just pokemon that have been damaged and traumatized and whose power comes from their darker emotions rising up. It was a good way of making us care about them and giving us more hints about what they've gone through and who our main characters will have to contend with, plus it made for some pretty good banter between Wes and Rui.

Now, I gotta get a bit nerdy here when it comes to themes. This one's kind of easy when you think about it but I really thought it was a nice detail and that is that Wes' character arc links with the shadow pokemon. Like them, Wes is also someone that grew up being groomed, abused and mistreated by a criminal group that beat the idea of wanting strength and power into him. He's emotionally distant, scared to let anyone into his emotions and he also is bound to have sudden bouts of rage when he feels threatened or angry.

I think it's a perfect parallel to draw, as it means that just as Wes and Rui have to purify the shadow pokemon later, Wes will also slowly "purify" his soul during his adventure and hopefully he'll also learn to interact with the shadow pokemon more.

Again, it's kind of an easy connection to make but I really liked it once I realized it.

Secc crouched down in front of Novo in utter amazement. "Wow..." he said again.

Neo was reveling in all the attention; he purred loudly and rubbed up against Marci's legs with a happy chirp. She squealed again and immediately sat on the floor to pet him, a gesture that the Espeon greeted with enthusiasm.

Neo's such a sleazy espeon, and it works which is worse.

Wes was about to scoff at her and tell her how stupid that sounded, that they were not actually spies, when he caught sight of the unbridled joy on her face. Arceus above, he'd never seen such a pure expression before.

Rui is so pure, I love her.

"Well, what are you gonna name him when he evolves?" Rui's grin spread wider. "Harry?"

Wes scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous." He paused, then added nonchalantly, "I'd call him Yama."

I gotta admit this actually made me laugh. I didn't think Wes could make this kind of joke, but I guess it means that he's warming up to Rui.

Oh, really?" Rui folded her arms and cocked her head to the side, still grinning. "So yours is better than everyone else's?"

"Exactly."

"How humble of you."

"I try."

Damn Wes, two jokes in a row. Are you sure you're okay?

She twitched at the memory, the flames of her mane and tail sputtering in response. The dark monster in her chest stirred.

I like the different references that each shadow pokemon give towards the presence inhabiting them, it's a good metaphor for both their trauma and the dark powers entailed to it.

She didn't mean to, she really didn't, but it was so unexpected, her body was twitching so much, and that blackness was clawing at her, telling her to hurt, destroy, tear - and oh no, oh no, she didn't mean to, she was sorry, sorry, so sorry -

:C Poor Kohna, I hope she can warm up to Wes and Rui soon, hopefully she can stay? I mean it's your story but I'd feel bad to see her just get tossed into a PC.

Some Pokémon took little pleasure in battling, but she was not one of them. She relished the opportunity to tear at her opponents, to send them sprawling in the dirt, to make them bleed, make them hurt. It was a welcome outlet for the rage that constantly simmered in her chest.

I also like that you're giving them very distinct personalities but ones that reflect the ways they've internalized their trauma. I see croconaw's method is very much like Wes'.

 

[HelloYellow17]

Oh, would you look at that! Reviews!

Spoiler: Pen’s review

In terms of pacing, this chapter still feels like we're 'gathering the gang' and there's a bit of artificiality to that. I'm still now sure how stealing random shadow pokemon gets them closer to solving the root of the problem--who is distributing them. Why not interrogate one of the trainers he fought for answers? Or why not have Wes try and seek out a shadow pokemon to buy himself (which I thought was the original plan)? Having them accrue shadow pokemon to run around the mayor's house feels a little absurd to me. I'm not sure how the fortuneteller lady will play into the crew--it was funny to come across a character I sort of knew, though. She shows up in kint's Orre fic, though she's lot more spooky.

Fateen’s role will become clearer as the story goes along. It’s not a huge one, but big enough that she’s worth introducing. As for addressing the Shadow Pokémon problem, hopefully chapter 15 will help answer some of those questions? Let me know!

Some of the more mundane worldbuilding, though, has struck me as being more in broad strokes. I'm still a bit baffled as to who actually holds power in Orre.

To be honest...I haven’t thought this one out. The best I’ve come up with is that each city is self-governing with no overarching government, as that’s they way it appears in the games. There’s no League or gym circuit in this region, so there’s not much in the way of authority, at least not in the official, traditional sense. As for who really holds the power...heh. Heheheh. You’ll find out. Eventually.

I guess I don't have a defined sense of what is typical in this world.

To be fair, each city is vastly different from the next, which might be contributing to this a bit?

she is surprised that Wes is surprised about there being trees anywhere in Orre, she's surprised that Duking's wife died of Noctis when it seems like that is common.

Hmm the trees bit I mostly chalked up to the fact that she has never left home and is oblivious to what is “the norm” for most Orreans see. As for the Noctis bit, I should probably tweak her response a bit. You’re right that she shouldn’t necessarily be surprised by this.

I wonder why, if Rui's home is such a haven, it's not a well-known location that people speak about and want to travel to.

There is a reason for this, actually! Which will be explained in the next arc!

Wes: Neo, no
Neo: NEO YES

Hahaha I live for this kind of commentary!

Spoiler: Sinderella’s review

But, if I do make a comment on something that I might have better understood if I played the game, please forgive me!

On the contrary, please do! It’s not a very well known game, so my goal is to make this as reader-friendly as possible to someone who has never played it before. If something confuses you, please point it out!

Also, I found the interaction with Willie a little odd. I figured it was just a jab at general Pokemon games, how random people show up out of the woodwork and just ask for battles--but I did some extra digging and found that it actually happens in the game, and it made a little more sense (like I mentioned, please bear with me and my lack of knowledge on the game!). However, even knowing that, it was still a little weird. He was described in such depth, I was expecting a little more significance from him as a character, but it struck me as him being there just to be there, if that makes sense.

He is in the game, but this is a very valid point, and several people have said this, too. I’ll have to figure out how to tweak it so it isn’t so jarring. He does have a purpose later in the story, so I still want to introduce him, but I can probably cut out the battle altogether and alter the scene a bit.

The transition between Wes arriving to the Outskirt Stand and his dream sequence was also a little bit jarring to me. He's walking up to the door with Neo and Novo and suddenly he's dreaming.

Ahhh, FRICK. There’s supposed to be line breaks in this chapter, but they get lost in transition sometimes and I forget to add them back in. So sorry!

I really love the way you write out battle scenes!

Ooh thank you! I’m a little self-conscious of my battle scenes, so this means a lot to me!

I love this edge.

Wes is our favorite edgy boi.

Spoiler: Umbramatic’s review

in before Michael comes in by time travel and derails the plot.

Y’all need to jUST STOP PREDICTING MY PLOT TWISTS /s

Wes' intrusive thoughts are mean. I cheered when he backsassed them

In this house, we STAN backsassing negative thoughts!

I also was audibly like "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" when Rui backsassed Wes.

Heh, Rui has her moments of sass. They’re fun to write.

Plz give him Quilava.

Stay tuned ;)

I love the description of the OBVIOUSLY EVIL MAN I will NOT mention the identity of because I know some people reading this aren't super aware of Colosseum's plot? Because NOT EVERYONE GREW UP WITH IT AS A SACRED COW, FANDOM, SO- oh no my Unpopular Opinion gremlin is taking over

DON’T STOP, KEEP PREACHING, ORRE NEEDS MORE LOVE

Spoiler: Flygon’s review

The structure and pacing of the story so far feels good to me.

This is good to hear! Would love to know your thoughts on the pacing in later chapters, because I’ve been very paranoid about those ones, lol.

In the fight between Neo/Novo and that Makuhita in the Mayor's office, the sentences felt a bit on the repetitive side a few times.

Thank you for pointing this out! I do have a habit of being repetitive in my writing, so I’ll look those over and see if I can tweak sentences for a better flow.

The little asides and things from Neo and Novo are just delightful to read. This might be one of my favorite chapters in the story so far!

So glad you love it! This was probably one of my favorites to write!

The stark differentiation here between Neo and Novo's views works so good. Please don't let this be the last Neo/Novo pov stuff we get. (I don't expect it all the time but sprinkled throughout would be amazing!!!

There’s plenty more ahead, I assure you!

So in the first part, Rui knocks on the door, it opens. Then she pushes her way inside. This implies the door opens inward except later, Spinarak webs the door, tugs it and it slams shut. Which should be impossible if the door opens in. Spinarak could only pull a door shut from inside if it opened outwards.

So one of these two needs to be clarified, which direction the door opens. Unless its a swinging door or something? I don't know.

...I...

*surprised Pikachu face*

I have literally NEVER noticed or thought about this, and you are the first person to point this out! LOL! I’m shook. I’ll have to think of something to fix this, haha.

I was so confused when you first spelled PDA like this. Is there a specific reason for the asterisk? When I first saw it I actually thought it was some kind of swear word that was censored, lol. I might be the only one, but spelling it this way really throws me off. Pokenav or PokeCom or something feels more natural imo.

My reasoning for spelling it this way is because it was spelled this way in the games! I might just resort to calling it a PDA, though I worry people will just think about the acronym “public display of affection”, lol.

Spoiler: Bench’s review

I'm not sure what a P*DA is. Maybe you could explain that?

It’s basically a Pokenav/Orre’s version of a smart phone! This is what it’s called in the games, though it sounds like I need to give more explanation because you’re not the only one who has asked this!

I love this bit, especially how "Irresistible Cuteness" and "Begging Eyes" are captialized like they're moves or something.

Haha I’m glad you noticed this. I dunno, I thought I was clever when writing it that way! lol.

Very interesting how low Wes' opinion of himself is.

Interesting indeed. I’m suuuure it won’t be a consistent theme throughout the story, nooope.

Rui just waltzes right into danger with only a bit of hesitation. That attitude is probably going to backfire someday.

It already has, but homegirl just doesn’t learn!

And Wes wants nothing to do with this, and seemingly the two are parting ways after they go to the hospital. Surely that'll go well! /s

Whatever do you mean? They part ways after this, Rui goes home, and Wes gets out of Orre. The end! Happy ending!

The conversation between Wes and Rui afterwards is really good. A lot of reveals, a lot of emotions, and a lot of worldbuilding.

Thank you!! I really enjoy writing dialogue, but sometimes I get paranoid that it doesn’t flow right. Hearing things like this makes me feel better :)

More bold lies from Wes. He keeps digging himself deeper and deeper.

Heh, that’s one thing our protagonists have in common, don’t they?

Spoiler: Qva’s review

i feel like the takeaway from this chapter is that wes is really, really resisting his fate as anime protagonist

Homeboy does NOT want to be The Chosen One, not today, not ever. No thanks.

i would never have guessed this fic was an adaptation if i didn't know better; i feel like with game adaptations you sort of fall into the issue of adapting stuff that's very game-y and not very literary, but i'm not getting that at all here—it's all very fluid and tells a cohesive story without feeling like it's awkwardly constructed around game mechanics.

Ahh thank you! I’ve been putting a lot of effort to keep it from feeling mechanic, so I’m glad it seems to be paying off!

lol, i just had the funniest mental image of the doorman ripping his suit off to reveal he's ripped before beating the ever living fuck out of the two dudes.

Omg this comment made me SNORT, I love it, please continue leaving tidbits like this.

idk if this means anything to you but wes is looking more and more like a human ferrycloth.

Unfortunately I don’t know what that means

Spoiler: Flaze’s review

Duking is also a great new addition for the cast, I always liked the juxtaposition between his physique and the way in which he cares about the town and his family.

I’m so glad to hear this!! I’ve been really worried I haven’t been portraying him correctly, at least not in the way I wanted to. Sure, he has his issues with Wes, but he’s a good guy at his core. Just has his flaws with black and white thinking.

Now, I gotta get a bit nerdy here when it comes to themes. This one's kind of easy when you think about it but I really thought it was a nice detail and that is that Wes' character arc links with the shadow pokemon. Like them, Wes is also someone that grew up being groomed, abused and mistreated by a criminal group that beat the idea of wanting strength and power into him. He's emotionally distant, scared to let anyone into his emotions and he also is bound to have sudden bouts of rage when he feels threatened or angry.

I think it's a perfect parallel to draw, as it means that just as Wes and Rui have to purify the shadow pokemon later, Wes will also slowly "purify" his soul during his adventure and hopefully he'll also learn to interact with the shadow pokemon more.

Again, it's kind of an easy connection to make but I really liked it once I realized it.

YES YES YES. Thank youuu for pointing this out, it’s definitely a big running theme that I plan to expound on further as the story moves along. :D

 

[Flyg0n]

Alright time to BEEG review and catch up for fun. I'm not huge on grammar nitpicks, so when a story is solid in that department, I prefer to focus on themes, prose and plot beats. My big review here will cover everything from 8-14, and give some commentary, broad strokes, and reactionary stuff. I'll go chapter by chapter and then break into some broad stuff at the end.

Spoiler: Chapter notes

Chapter 8! A mellow chapter overall, and a bit slower paced, but necessary. Personally, I enjoy reading your characters enough that they can carry slower stuff just fine. Plus after everything that's been happening, something slower is good.

Wesley and Rui continue to travel, this time running into more shadow pokemon. I think the brief scuffle here was engaging, and the word choices were good. An improvement, I think. You communicated the viciousness and danger of the fight.

There were also some really choice bits of prose here and there in the chapter I really enjoyed. Although there was less Neo and Novo, which was sad, but hey, we can't boot Rui out to make the story only about Neo and Novo, right? Right?.... *shifty eyes*

Also it was nice to see Rui reveal a little more backstory. Her attitude makes a little more sense now. I do hope we'll continue to get more insight into her. Perhaps we may find her stolen pokemon one day??

Pokémon never ceased to impress him with their insanely fast ability to heal, and the still-present ache in his shoulder made him a little envious of that fact.

Nice way to weave in pokemon's ultra-healing factor.

"Considering you practically waltzed into a broken-in home yesterday, I don't think you get to lecture me on recklessness."

Yeah, you tell her Wes. Honestly. Gonna circle back to this later, but there's stuff about Rui that begins to rub me the wrong way.

A young man slouched from the shadows of a nearby building with a greasy smirk slathered across his face. His torn, baggy, dust-coated clothing perfectly matched the rugged buildings around him, and he would have blended in almost flawlessly were it not for his obnoxiously green, shaggy hair.

THIS! I really liked this bit of prose, very crispy. Describing the smirk as greasy is really good.

"Or should I call you Snagger Leo?"

OOPS. I figured something was up

Chapter 9

Chapter Nine was another set up chapter, but I think I enjoyed it even more than the previous one. The entire confrontation first with Wes and the Sheriff, then with Duking felt very tense. There were some choice lines, good points, fun characterization, and solid angry banter type stuff.

Poor Wes, all he wanted was to leave Orre, but now he's stuck with this girl, dragged into this mess, and is now investigating Shadow pokemon. Wes seems surprisingly convinced Snagem has nothing to do with the shadow pokemon, but I wonder if he might be wrong.

Wes is also now in the unfortunate position of also having a new lie added to his pack. Things are even trickier now, he has to pretend to keep up that lie, plus the one about the 'friends' in Snagem, which was *tootally* true. And contend with all this other stuff, working alongside Duking and Sherles.

"I have my resources, Snagger," said Sherles smoothly as he retrieved the photo from Wes' hand and slid it back into its envelope.

WHO!!! I must know! Seriously though I have to know, who was Sherles source? How could they get pictures like that?

He was trapped. Utterly trapped. The only way out of this building was back through the door behind him, past the officer, past Rui. But maybe, just maybe...he had Neo and Novo...

As if they'd read his mind, his Pokémon tensed at his feet. A low growl rumbled from Novo's throat, and Neo's forehead jewel gleamed.

Good stuff. Nice tension, I was really feeling this moment, and feeling for Wes's desperation to escape the situation.

That gaze was so persistent. Unflinching. Sherles continued. "Not only are you a valuable source of information for me, you're also an important link, as I believe Snagem is behind these incidents with savage Pokémon."

"They're not," Wes said curtly.

"Oh? You know this for certain?"

Well...no, he didn't know for certain. But he did know one thing with absolute surety. "Snagem doesn't redistribute Pokémon. They only take and sell for a profit."

x to doubt?
I definitely get exactly what Wes is saying here, but also, couldn't they be selling shadow pokemon for profit? Does that count as redistribution? Surely shadow pokemon fetch a good price on the market.

Also considering Wes was high ranked but far from the highest rank, how can he know for sure Snagem isn't involved?

"This region hasn't done me any favors."

"Interesting. I'm sure it could say the exact same thing about you."

Wes ignored this comment; he was well aware of what he'd "contributed" to the world so far. He wasn't proud of it, yet he couldn't help but venomously wonder: where was the rest of Orre, when he was just a child on the streets? Where were the police and the authorities then?

A good question. I hope we circle back to this. People always like to talk big and do stuff and call themselves heroes but then it often seems they're willing to overlook stuff too.

A realization dawned on Wes at that last statement. "You're the mayor." He snorted and tipped his head back, folding his arms again. "I should have known."

The Pyrite man snarled at him. "And what's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean it's obvious. Hiring other people to do all the dirty work for you while treating them as less-than? Sounds like every other authority figure to me."

I loved this entire interaction. It felt very charged. Also I have to say, I kinda agree with Wes. (Sure I might be bias cause I know his story). But yeah, politicians. Types always interested in the idea of looking good instead of doing good or doing what it takes. More worried about their image than anything, although Duking seems better than others.

Respect. Wes hated that word. It was the word of authoritarians and tyrants and men drunk with power. It was the word that was shoved down his throat daily in Snagem, one that forced him to keep his head down and eyes low if he didn't want an unprovoked beating. It was one that nearly took his Pokémon, his family, his everything, away from him.

Another topic I hope we circle back to. Respect isn't something to be demanded or insisted upon so easily. Respect should be won through actions. I hope the story touches on this again, and Wes gets to learn what real respect looks like (not the kind that gets forced down your throat because someone says you should)

Before Wes could answer, Sherles clapped a hand on his shoulder, and the sudden touch nearly made him jump out of his skin. Arceus. Why were people so touchy all the time? Between all the contact with strangers, and Rui clinging to him over the last few days, he'd had more than enough of it and was at his limit.

Hm. Enjoyed this thoroughly, seeing Wes touch averted, and not enjoying it. I just have one fat stickler. Please don't go down the route of Wes finally learning to love getting hugs or something. Admittedly I have a big bias and stick on my shoulder about this. So you should probably take my words with a grain of salt.
But I feel like I have seen shows do this thing where they make a character have an innocent trait and then say 'thats bad you have to love hugs'. Like sure I want Wes to heal and grow and overcome his trauma and his past. But its still perfectly acceptable to not like people being overly touchy and I really think more people in the world ought to learn to respect personal space better.
Anyways that was a bit of ramble, apologies. I'm not saying you will do this but I'm just voicing thoughts, heh.

"Wait!" Rui's face lit up. "I - I want to join the investigation!"

OOOhhh boy of course she does

"You worry too much."

Considering he literally rescued you from a sack a couple days ago and you walked into a home invasion after that and almost got yourself into another fight upon arriving here. He has a right. Shush, Rui. Before you get yourself kidnapped again.

How, how, how did his simple plan to get to Gateon go so absurdly wrong?

Ah, classic sum up of this whole story.

Chapter 10!!

I enjoyed this chapter a lot (I say that a lot, don't I?). Mostly set up again, although I think that can't be helped. All these things like the cave and all these characters we're meeting.

I don't have a whole lot to say here but I think the star of this chapter was having the four new pokemon get POVs of their own. I think giving them POV made this chapter feel really relevant.

I also really hope Wes keeps most of them! Or they find nice happy homes...

And, as luck would have it, Marci was particularly interested in Wes; she studied him from across the table as though he were a textbook and she was preparing for a test.

You describe her sitting across the table studying Wes twice in a short time period. I think it detracts and feels repetitive. Maybe you could swap one of them out for something else, or cut it?

Marci gasped so loudly that she might as well have sucked all the oxygen out of the room.

This was an adorable little piece of prose.

"It's okay, Novo," he said. "They're..." What? Safe? Not a threat? (Though a threat to his pride, maybe.) They certainly weren't close enough to be called friends, not when they'd just met.

"They're okay," he finished.

Always appreciating sticking to Wes's people aversion. A giant problem of mine is when shows have a character who is troubled and then kinda skippity do dah over their traits and pretend they're all better. Likin this.

a Plusle perched comfortably on his shoulder.

HOORAH FOR PLUSLE!!! REP

Well, great. Now Wes felt sorry for him. Neo and Novo's begging tactics were one thing; he'd caved in to them from time to time, and they'd lived their lives knowing and trusting in his affection. But this poor Pokémon...he acted for all the world like Rui was the first human to ever show him kindness.

"It won't hurt to give him another one," he said to Rui.

This was such a sweet moment. Good to see Wes showing a hint of his kinder side.

The terror in Quilava's eyes, the scars lacing Corconaw's body, the emptiness in Maku's eyes...

Misspelled Croconaw here. Also, curious why you choose to call Maku by his nickname but Quilava and Croconaw only by species name?

Chapter 11 time! The famed bacon disaster! Oh dear...

Another setup chapter. I can't really blame you though. There's clearly a lot of information and characters that need to come together and personally, I think you did a fine job.

Wes and Rui make a little headway in learning some info about the shadow pokemon, and the team makes a more concrete plan.

"Mar? Where'd you put the bacon?"

Filed under: Words that proceed unfortunate events.

"Good morning!" Plusle, who sat sat atop her head,

Lol for a second my brain was like 'Plusle said good morning!'

He staggered to his feet and took a wobbly step towards his Trainer...then another...

uh oh

"Wes, stop!" Rui shouted. She pulled hard at the back of his coat. "What is wrong with you?"

??? excuse me Rui. Ngl, Rui really really really getting on my nerves. (More on this later but).
In context, the man who saved her multiple times and went out of his way to help her out stops this kid and she immediately sides with the kid despite KNOWING that a lot of people are shifty and shady in the area.

Rui's eyes widened in shock. "What - how did-?"

DUH!!!! Maybe you should have a little more faith in the man who's done nothing but protect you this whole time!!!! Jeez.

"Johnson, if you're going to let those kids pet your damn Arcanine every morning, then leave earlier. No more excuses."

Johnson straightened and grinned wider. "Yes, boss!"

"Don't call me 'boss'. I'm your Chief."

"Sorry, boss."

Lol, Johnson is something else. This was a cute image, tells a lot about his character too.

That dopey smile spread wider across Johnson's face. "I guess you could say you snagged the Snag Machine, then. Heh. Snagged, get it?"

Johnson is me

"I remember. We'll find him." Wes heard Rui snort, and glanced at her to see her frowning at him.

"Yeah, I'm sure you got a good look when you pinned him against a wall and threatened him," she said dryly.

Wes scoffed at her in disbelief. "Are you seriously guilt tripping me right now? Over not letting him steal from us?"

"I'm just saying, you could have been a little gentler with the poor kid," Rui shot back. "You didn't have to put the fear of Arceus into him!"

"Yes, I did," Wes snapped. "All it takes is one failed attempt to get you killed around here. I was teaching him a lesson."

Seriously Rui??? Wes even gave him money layoff!!! Yeesh! Extremely annoying. You were in a sack a day ago you incompetent- ugh.

Not everybody is out to get you."

Right, sack girl. Remind me again how we met? And remind me again how you can't tell pokeballs apart and walk into home invasions.?

Between Emok and Cail, it was like the redhead was trying to pick a fight with every stranger on the street.

Seriously though is she dense or just taking advantage of feeling spunky cause Wes is around to keep her out of trouble/????

He stepped into the ring to approach her, and heard Rui shriek behind him. "Wes, NO!"

I have to say, this fight was good. But by the end of it I did wonder why Wes didn't opt to try and return Novo sooner, or just return Kohna. Perhaps if I were watching events unfold, it would appear that things escalated too quickly. But thanks to the way it played out I had the impression that maybe Wes forgot? Or just didn't think about it?

"And I told you she was new!" Wes bit back. "I didn't want to use her, if you remember!"

Boy I wanna slap this woman. She has some nerve to whine about the fight when Wes explicitly said he didn't want to use them.

Anyways, that concludes my thoughts on this chapter so far. I have something I've touched on here that I do feel the need to bring up later though...

Chapter... 12!

Pacing wise I have no real issues with the story. The characters and situations and interactions keep me engaged. Love Wes, as always. Good battle stuff.

The standout here of course was seeing Wes's tragic past. It really struck a chord with me... I feel so terrible for him. I JUST WANT HIM TO HAVE NICE THINGS!!! It was certainly very sad though, explains quite a bit of his experiences. I also have a bad feeling that Alder guy won't have a good time....

Not that that sentiment bothered him. The busy, messy kitchen that was always full of food, the cozy living room that held odd messes of homework papers and kids' games, the constant sound of laughter and conversation that could be heard from anywhere in the house...all of these signs practically screamed the same message to him, over and over: You don't belong here.

Aww poor wes.

Wes took a bite and replied in a deadpan tone. "He fell out of a tree."

Johnson barked out a laugh as the kids burst into giggles. "Now that's a story. What happened?"

"That's it, that's what happened. He ran up a tree, fell out, and evolved."

I really thought this was a joke at first, but its hilariously true and I love it.

Marci bobbed up and down in her seat. "Tell us about the battle!"

...Great.

Mercifully, Wes was saved from having to invent a story on the spot by the sound of the kitchen entry door bursting open.

I have a feeling we'll get to see this... ;) </3

Something incredibly heavy and unpleasant weighed in Wes' chest, making him feel as though he might sink through the floor. It pulled at him from the inside like a dull, persistent ache, twisting his stomach into knots, and felt remarkably like…

Guilt.

:C poor wes...

Since when did Orre have any of these things?

I really do wonder how a seeming oasis like Agate has remained hidden/off radar, and why Wes doesn't even know about it. I have a good feeling you'll give us some answers inevitably.

You're lucky I didn't leave you in that damn sack in Phenac.

Probably should have, lol

"Alright, we have to be discreet about this. If we're too direct or raise their suspicions, they'll scatter and-"

Rui, however, wasn't listening. She stepped up to the group with a smile and a friendly wave. "Hello!"

ugh. does this girl pay ANY attention? It really feels like she's literally learned absolutely nothing from all her experiences...

"For Mew's sake, Wes! Put him down!"

*eyeroll* please shut up Rui.

"is Wes. Sorry he's such a jerk."

This is.... that's... rude. Characters insulting other characters to strangers really hits that chip on my shoulder...

Wes shot her a withering look. He was about to remind her that this whole fiasco was her fault for not listening to him, but if Rui caught his glare, she ignored it and continued.

This. IS her fault!!!! Ugh... I get that they got lucky and managed to get stuff to work out in the end but uh. Her behavior is starting to great on me.

Neo leaped gracefully to the side and avoided the Ledyba's silvery gust with ease; he spat a colorful ray of Psychic energy at the Wingull, but missed as the bird dodged at the last second.

Oooo curious. So psybeam is fired from the mouth? I almost expected it to be gem based but that works too.

Anyways, on to the final bit!

Gonna tackle 13-14 as an entirety. WHew. Some crazy chapters. Neo and Novo's evolution stories were something else. Neo's was so light hearted and hilarious and unexpected. I really thought maybe Wes was just joking when he talked about how Neo evolved.

And then you go and hit us with Novo's... ouch. Poor Wes and Novo... ahh... this explains a lot about Novo too.

And then the final chapter.

Wow. A lot of characters have been introduced. A lot of players on the board. This is neither good nor bad, but neutral. Balancing a larger cast gives you a lot of options, but its also crucial to make sure each person feels like they're relevant to the story and contribute to the overall arcs of plots and subplots. It's... a lot to think about. Still, its your first fanfic and this is great experience!

Blood was streaming from his mouth and nose, but most concerning was the horrifying gash across the boy's face that ran from one cheekbone to the other.

Okay ngl I was very confused here both times I read this. The boy did something with a wrench that scarred Wes from cheekbone to cheekbone but. I don't?? get what?? One strike might leave a cut, but I don't see how a wrench could cut like that? The scar sounds like it runs from a cheekbone, across his lip? or his nose? to the other cheekbone?

This was the one part that felt unclear to me. It's possible I missed something obvious, which if I did, feel free to point it out!

"However, Rui is different. She willingly placed herself with you at the front and center of all of this, and it doesn't seem right to be keeping secrets from her."

This is a really good point. Wes needs to tell her very soon. I'll also be watching you very carefully because this is an extremely dangerous trope you're playing with. In my honest opinion you would earn a lot of points in my book for having Wes admit it of his own free will instead of her having to find out.
Of course, you are the writer, and I would never tell you what to do with your own story. I do think though that I would be more interesting if he admitted it, and deal with that fallout, than her finding out and probably storming off and huffing and puffing. Granted, Wes has really good reason to not say anything. But someone needs to tell him that the truth will come out. I will be looking forward to all this playing out.

Wes snapped his gaze up to meet Duking's. "Well, maybe it's about time someone told you you aren't above your own rules!"

Love when people don't get to have the last line! You tell it, Wes!

Thirty minutes of waiting would normally feel like a lifetime; but as Neo sat through the remainder of the meeting in Wes' lap, perfectly content and relishing in the sensation of Wes' hand stroking his fur, it felt like no time at all.

Aww, this was cute!!

He rolled his eyes. "No, a street performer."

I live for this kind of sarcasm.

Alright, time to cover big thoughts!

Pacing is fine, in my opinion. You managed to take a ton of information and weave it together, you brought in a lot of solid character moments. Personally, I do generally expect things to continue happening from here on out though.

I love the characterizations of the pokemon in particular. While people are ok, the pokemon stand out to me, although I'd avoid overcrowding yourself, so you don't detract from anyone's growth on accident. Try to keep the focus on the three starter okemon and Maku for now, plus Neo and Novo.

Now to be clear, I don't think you've dropped the ball at all so far in these aspects! The ball is firmly in hand, so to speak, and the things I'm talking about are general warnings. You've got a lot of tropes on your plate right now. The plucky officer johnson, mysterious woman Fateen, world weary sheriff, spunky female, sexy female, composed housewife, nerdy shy boy kid and his sister.... But let me be clear this isn't bad! Not at all. tropes are familiar and fun. I think the real delight of a trope is finding new ways to explore it. I encourage you to try to do your own twists on them, much like you seem to be with your take on the colosseum story as a whole!

I really like everything I've read so far.

Spoiler: Other thoughts!

With that said, its time for the big guns... The one thing about this story I'm slowly starting to not like, unfortunately. I want to preface by saying some of what I'm going to say may be colored by a personal bias. I have a stick on my shoulder about a few tropes, which I'll freely admit to. Feel free to take what I'm going to say with a grain of salt, as well as debate me on it! If you think I'm wrong, you can absolutely call me out.

Okay. here we go. Rui. Rui is driving me crazy. She's annoying me horribly. Her actions and words and behaviours are grating on me. Rui comes off as a huge know-it-all/holier than thou to me. She berates Wes about stopping a thief. Twice. She insults him in front of the pickpocket. She starts fights with people and nearly gets Wes into trouble. She causes the boy they're searching for to scatter and run and if not for WES they would have definitely lost him.

All this she does AFTER believing the man who saved her several times, sheltered her, looked out for her, helped her, got HURT because of her silly and naive actions. AFTER she finds out he's supposedly basically an undercover cop and a 'hero'. Yet she still disparages him. The poking doesn't quite come of as banter or in good fun either, since she always gets the last word. She has yet to admit or defer to Wes's large wealth of knowledge. She couldn't even leave the house to get pokeballs without getting kidnapped, but you wouldn't know it by how she acts.

Personally, I would prefer her to get shown up, proved wrong, admit to her actions. The things she's doing actively hinder their goals, and she gets lucky because Wes is always there to pull her out of trouble. Now, I'm not saying you can't have her act like this. But I would personally like to see the narrative acknowledge this at some point, from her perspective. Wes seems to note it, but so far Rui gets to get away acting like she's doing everything right. Someone needs to call her out at some point, or she needs to call herself out.

This all said, this is still my opinion. You shouldn't take it as fact. I do have my bias, like I said. I've just seen so many products with characters like that who rub me the wrong way. So heck, maybe I'm reading into this too much! Please tell me if I am, or if perhaps I'm reading the text with a bias.

All in all, that concludes my thoughts. I really love everything else in your story, and I don't exactly hate Rui. She just rubs me the wrong way, lol.

I think you're otherwise constructing an awesome story, and I think its absolutely FANTASTIC, especially for a first story! There's so very many things I love about this story and I can't wait for more chapters!!! continue the good work.

 

[kintsugi]

okay! here for chapters 12-14, which, I agree, should be read as a unit.

I like the mounting theme here that Wes has been steadily feeling more and more out of place; I think the bacon vomit scene in 11 really cemented that home for me, but I think it gets reinforced pretty well in 12 that the flip side of what Wes knows--violence and doing whatever it takes--might not really offer him the healing he needs either.

The running theme of evolution stories is really sweet <3 I like how you set it up too, as a silly, interesting, and flashy tidbit for Marci/Secc, but with genuine weight for Wes/Novo/Neo. It feels like a lot of his life is already being commodified and repossessed, so why not just reach all the way for the gut and take his most vulnerable/proud moments as well? I like the dichotomy that you set up, with Novo evolving in a time of stress and Neo in a time of joy; I think it reflects their characters really well and in general makes narrative sense for their dynamic. Lil babies who literally mean "new" indeed.

The new characters in this chunk are really good too. Fateen was an interesting in Colo for me--the mother of Pyrite! What kind of role does that mean, in a city that doesn't seem to have any concept of family or love? I like how you portray her here, and the little details about her flygon-like glasses was really cute haha. Maku's a sweetheart, and I think you do an excellent job of showing how the good and the bad moments can become intertwined--better to stare out the window instead, than to look back. It's a really poignant characterization and I like how it differs from Kohna's here--there's a conscious choice to ignore the past.

Structurally this chunk is a little awkward--again, less of an issue reading them all in one sitting imo, but kind of weird looking at 10-14 as individual chapters. In broad strokes I think there are two or three major through-lines: the shadow pokemon POV's, Wes' growing distance between basically everyone else who didn't have to grow up on the streets, and the evolution stories. When I was reading 13, I actually thought that the flashback with Alden in 12 could be be an evolution story of its own--these are stories about the moments that prompt people to make big, momentous changes. Wes' laughter prompts Neo to look at the sun; Wes' fear brings out Novo's dark protectiveness; I wonder if perhaps there could be a tie-in for what in Alden prompts Wes to start to change, and to stray away from the name/past/identity that Gonzap gives him--that definitely seems like an aspect that Alden wants to poke with a big stick. Or maybe some of the shadow pokemon POV's could go alongside Neo/Novo's; Kohna and Nani are evolved and there could probably be an interesting juxtaposition there. I find that flashbacks are good when they lend structure to the present-day material, or when they provide definitive justification for why someone is doing what they are today--I couldn't help but wonder if the evolution stories could be lumped into something with a bit more of a unifying theme, so the flashbacks feel a bit more purposeful.

I also find that the deeper we get into Pyrite, the less I understand. There's a trio of lawful forces here--Duking, Sherles/police, and Fateen--and I don't really understand how they interact, who wants what, how they differ. Fateen mentions that she looks after the injured kids, so I guess they don't really have a hospital in addition to not having a school? But her role seems preventative (ironic, for a psychic!) and she doesn't seem to have an interest in directly combatting any of the issues, more of just mitigating the damage. Sherles wants to go vigilante cop here over a few shadow pokemon--more on this in the tail end of the line edits--and Duking is ... okay with this? Which I understand; there's definitely a pressing and extant dichotomy between what is strictly legal and what is right, especially in this setting--but like, if the mayor isn't stopping him from doing anything, what actually prevents Sherles/the police from doing what they want? They're all in for asset seizing and enlisting known criminals + Duking is on board with all of this + Orre doesn't really seem to have a powerful higher governing body, so it's not like Sherles is actually bound by the rules that he claims he is. I think their dynamic would be more interesting if I knew what each of them wanted + what makes them unique--perhaps Fateen is the only one focused on giving the Pyrite kids an education, so she views Duking/Sherles as a bit removed and she's disdainful that they're only trying to come in now; perhaps Sherles wants to go with his renegade/semi-legal route re: recruiting Wes/Lon, but Duking doesn't want to betray the trappings of the offices to which they've sworn themselves; perhaps Duking doesn't actually understand what it's like to grow up in Pyrite, but he's also learning that the office of mayor doesn't give him unilateral ability to enact the changes he starts to realize are necessary. Not sure! It feels like these three all know each other fairly well, but from a character perspective I struggle to see what each of them contribute separately.

I think a similar breakdown could be done with the Pyrite kids vs Snagem--Wes obviously has some sympathies to Lon/Emok, but they don't seem to see him as fully one of them either. And that makes sense; there's definitely a different dynamic in striking it out on your own vs joining the physically abusive cult that thrives on pain and cruelty, but--does Wes see himself differently from Lon? Does Lon see himself differently from Wes? We talked a bit about Emok earlier and I think this mostly just falls under that umbrella as well: how do they see Wes and vice versa? How do they see other Pyrite residents?

In my eyes I found Wes and Rui drifting apart in this chunk, with a few moments where they try to inch a little closer before spiraling apart. I think it ties in nicely to the theme of Wes not really belonging to Duking's circle of Pyrite--these guys have mad money, and food, and forests, and they weren't beaten with wrenches when they're kids. Rui doesn't really make an effort to bridge that gap, and neither does Wes. And it's most obvious in the small moments, where Rui teases Wes for not knowing what a forest looks like, or where Wes is deeply uncomfortable that Rui would blow more money than he's probably had in his entire life on a pun. They're still together for their common duty of helping the shadow pokemon, but emotionally they felt more distant than ever--before it was that they didn't know each other and weren't close as a result; now, they know each other and aren't close as a result.

some line edits below--one thing I feel I should note is that these get more thorough/numerous mostly because I got less lazy + because you seemed to appreciate the previous ones, not because the prose was harder to read than in previous reviews. I think the writing quality is actually improving a lot over these later chapters! + like, geez, this is the fourteenth chapter you've written ever; can't you join us in the oldshame firstfic club???

Spoiler

ugly bruises, bloody scrapes, and deep cuts

"deep cuts" stands out a bit to me, since those are usually harder for humans to inflict without some form of premeditation/tool use? It conflicts imo with Wes' theory that these are crimes of convenience, venting their stress when they want to--bruises and shoves you can get from being shoved into things, but deep cuts are harder to sustain on "accident", if that makes sense. Unless the pokemon are also being involved? But like if Wes has a history of being disciplined via pokemon mauling, I feel like that would be way more horrifying to him?

Most Snagem adults needed an "outlet" for their stress - or so they claimed, at least - and his small size had made him an easy target.

This feels like important information for the audience but I find it hard that Wes would care enough to phrase it that way. He's a child and they are beating him bloody, frequently. Currently he's pretty dismissive of Snagem + cynical to adults in general, so the justification here felt a bit hard to wrap my head around. Do the gritty details of why someone is wrongfully attacking him really come out with such high priority? It feels very clinical and distanced--which, maybe is what you wanted + this is how Wes copes--but in that case I'd still rephrase to like:
> Most Snagem adults preferred targets who didn't fight back. His small size had made him an easy target.
or if you still want some semblance of motive/sentiment in there, maybe:
> Snagem devoured the weak. That was why Wes had joined in the first place: it was easier to join the strong than fight them. But away from the easy towns, away from the obvious targets--Snagem still devoured the weak. It wasn't his fault, he had to remind himself, hands shaking. His small size had made him an easy target.

But today was different; today, he'd been targeted by none other than Gonzap himself.

This one also feels strange in the context of "randomly finding the nearest small fish and beating them up"--surely as someone with more authority, Gonzap would be more selective? Or they'd eventually collapse, since he has no real way of securing loyalty beyond fear.

But then, without thinking, a snide comment had slipped from Leo's mouth the second his boss had turned his back.

god i hate it but i can see it happening so

He forced open his eyes.

Bit smoother as "he forced his eyes open"

He then noticed a Sandslash sitting beside the man, and his panic rose even more.

I wanted more context here, perhaps tying in with the "deep cuts" commentary earlier. Does he just assume that any pokemon he sees will be used to torture him? Is the sandslash doing something idly in the background like picking dirt out of her claws or something, that makes him assume the worst?

"You always have been, and always will be, a worthless little scrap. You are nothing, you hear me? Nothing. Don't you ever forget it, Leo."

And he, Leo, never would.

"So, what's your name, kid?"

transition here felt a bit rough

even several days later, sudden movements still caused his chest and head to flare up in pain. He was propped up in a sleeping bag against a rock near the cave wall, and had scarcely left his spot since being carried to the small, secluded cave.

I struggled a bit to understand what's up here--does Snagem not care if its members just fuck off for a few days? Is no one looking for him? Like not even out of a kindness thing, more like they'd need him to do shit or the body would smell or something ... if there's enough flex in the organization that people can just vanish into the cracks for days on end, it feels like those people are extraneous and Snagem wouldn't really see them as worth keeping around?

Rather than try to come up with a response, he frowned and shot back, "Well, what's your name? You never told me."

haha owned

I like the prickliness here--Wes is deflecting a lot, and you use this to show that he's not used to expecting kindness.

This man was so strange, so...different from all the other grown-ups at the base, from the way he spoke to the manner in which he carried himself. He was kind, yet held an air of weary authority, as if he was both fully aware and tired of his own self.

I liked the phrasing of "both fully aware and tired of his own self", although I wanted a bit more description before it. What's the manner in which he speaks/carries himself? Kind/weary authority I understand and can place, but I wanted to know more what this meant to Wes, why it was foreign to him, what parts stand out specifically to him as worth noting.

At the mention of his Sandslash, he unleashed her from her Pokeball and she promptly curled up beside the boy.

So cute! <3 Also a really sad image that cuddling with Sandslash is comforting here; she seems very sweet but not like, physically a fun creature to hug when curled up.
"unleashed" sounds a bit actiony for what's happening here. maybe rephrase to "When he mentioned his Sandslash, he released her from her Pokeball. She promptly curled up beside the boy."

He then removed his coat and tossed it to him. "Here. That sleeping bag will keep you warm, but take this, too, just in case."

the coat has a backstory!

Why help me, then?

this feels like an important question--one that Wes still struggles to ask and answer.

Silva and Duking were absent this morning on account of managing something at the Colosseum.

I think this could cut some words: "Silva and Duking were both absent this morning, managing something at the Colosseum"

Rui was gone, too, saying something about an errand she needed to run with Johnson's wife, Lyvia. The two girls had only met a few days ago when Johnson and Lyvia came over for dinner, and they had wasted no time at all in forging a new friendship.

perhaps a personal pet peeve, but "girl" clashes with "wife" (and later "pregnant") for me--perhaps it doesn't clash for Wes, but imo the word choice there says a lot to me.

Despite his relief at having less people at the table this time around, however, he was acutely aware of Rui's absence this morning.

The punctuation's a bit wonky here.
> Despite his relief at having fewer people at the table this time around [today], he was acutely aware of Rui's absence this morning.
> He was relieved that there were fewer people at the table this morning; however, he was also acutely aware of Rui's absence.

Wes merely shrugged again. "Probably got a rush from falling down, I suppose. That's all that happened."

Knowing the full story, it's interesting to see that this is his explanation! Does he have a better guess that he's not sharing?

Kohna and Nani watched with varying expressions, Kohna looking faintly terrified and Nani looking disdainful.

I'd cut the first part--disdainful and faintly terrified are already varying expressions, so I don't think you need the extra statement. "Kohna looked faintly terrified, while Nani glared disdainfully" or something.

It was a Training bag - and a nice one, at that. The sleek black and white design was one thing, but he could tell from the material that this was not just an ordinary bag; it was specifically created with capsule technology, a highly sought-after feature that allowed items to be stored in massive quantities.

There's some interesting implications here about being able to transport things in hammerspace! Logistically this would have some weird worldbuilding implications if pokeball tech can extend beyond just pokemon--can food be shipped? humans? and they focus on this instead of having a school?

Something incredibly heavy and unpleasant weighed in Wes' chest, making him feel as though he might sink through the floor. It pulled at him from the inside like a dull, persistent ache, twisting his stomach into knots, and felt remarkably like…

oh no, sweet honey child :( the description is nicely apt

"Are you telling me that the entire reason you wanted to give the bag to Wes was so you could make that joke?"

I think this one is honestly the icing on the cake for the stacking moments of "Wes feels culturally alienated here". It's definitely a flex to live in a town of starving kids and then buy a random starving kid a hugely expensive and physics-breaking bag to set up for a pun.

Their only stroke of luck had occurred a few days prior, when Rui managed to spot the Flaaffy's Trainer in another part of town - but without a means to steal her Pokémon, Wes found no point in challenging the Trainer.

It's quite likely I've forgotten but what was the reason he couldn't just snag them directly?

"There are forests in Orre?"

:(

"Waterfalls?" Wes' mind was positively bursting now. Since when did Orre have any of these things?

THERE'S ONE IN YOUR MAYOR'S BASEMENT IT'S WILD ISN'T IT.

"S-sorry!" Rui giggled, shaking her head. "I've just never seen someone so amazed at the idea of trees and waterfalls!" She smirked at him. "It's rather adorable."

the divide between them grows. She definitely feels a bit younger here--not that it's unrealistic to laugh at someone who's revealing how dramatically worse their life was and how sheltered/nice yours was by comparison, but it does make her seem a bit more immature/cruel here.

Rui laughed again, even harder this time. "Merciful Arceus, you are so easy to tease!"

ditto here

"Funny you should be asking me about these Pokémon when you seem to have one yourself. Where'd you get that psycho Quilava, again?"

Emok! raises! good! points!

"You're really despicable, you know that?" Rui took a step forward, bristling, but Wes threw an arm out in front of her to keep her at bay.

I struggled to see why this is the line that sets Rui off.

The kids froze, all eyes on her, then exchanged nervous glances before one of them in the center stood up and spoke. "What do you-?"

He froze as he recognized her, eyes wide. "Aw, hell!"

This one is a little hard to parse with the paragraph break--makes it seem like the speaker/action is switching characters, but it's not. I'd probably put it all on one line for clarity?

Wes pushed himself up off the floor and burst through the opening flap, then pelted after his Espeon, the woman's shouts continuing from within the hut.

The action here is a bit disjointed. I'd rephrase to:
> Wes pushed himself up off the floor and burst through the opening flap, pelting after Neo. The woman's shouts echoed faintly from behind him.
(sidebar, is it a hut? or a tent? those evoke two pretty different images for me)

He was suspended in the air, encased in a blue bubble of Psychic energy, thrashing and snarling as Neo yapped and bounced around beneath him in a springy sort of victory dance. "Esp! Esp! Esp!"

this seems like it'll be a super useful toolkit addition tbh. do humans have any way to defend against this? can Wes just yeet them into bubbles?

He signaled to Neo, and the bubble burst once again - this time dropping the boy to the ground with a yelp and a hard thud.

At the risk of being both a buzzkill and a horrible person, I don't think human bodies make thud sounds upon impact with dirt/concrete.

"Are you serious? You want me to - to-" he glanced around warily before lowering his voice. "Steal his Pokémon?"

lil' curious why this wasn't on Lon's radar previously--he seems really good at it, pokemon traffickers have been mentioned previously, and that seems like an A+ way to make a living if you can swing it? Is it the morality of it that held him back before? I get the feeling that you want Wes' argument here to convince him, but I'm not sure what Lon's doubts were + how Wes changed his mind on them.

Had she not been so naive and pure, such a talent would be a dangerous weapon.

I thought this was kind of a weird way to look at someone--"naive" and "pure" sort of strike me as weird traits to highlight in what'll eventually (judging by the tags) become a relationship, especially coming from the person who is currently using his own skills of charm/persuasion to completely lie to the naive and pure one. Does he see her decisions as a function of innocence/not knowing any better, and how does that reflect on how he sees himself? Does he see a difference between just being kind to someone vs purposefully manipulating/withholding information from them in order to get what he wants?

Perhaps it's a phrasing thing--I stared at this for a while and realized that for whatever reason I'd see it as a lot more innocent if it were framed more in the reverse:
> Wes glanced briefly at Rui, and for the second time today, he found himself mildly impressed by her ability to charm wary strangers. Gonzap had the same kind of talent--but he'd only ever used it for ill. This was different, Wes reminded himself firmly, even as Lon braved a weak smile and Rui patted him on the shoulder. This was helping.

Once a thief, always a thief, boy, the voice hissed. That's all you ever will be, and that's all anybody will ever see.

I like the inner conflict here, but I don't really know what kind of resolution Wes takes from it, even temporarily--this monologue sort of goes in and out? I wanted a bit of a conclusion here, what he thinks is different, why he's able to overcome this conversation mentally.

"You so cocky you had to show off your Pokémon before we even started?" he asked.

Thought this was interesting! Normally he keeps Novo and Neo in their pokeballs to avoid attention, no?

At the very least, he'd managed to avoid outbursts like Kohna had had in their battle against Emok, which had to count for something - although, oddly, none of them seemed to know any moves beyond Shadow Rush, which he and Rui had both found a little concerning.

This one feels a bit of a strange port from the games--has he seen many quilava? Does he expect all of them to know certain moves, to the point that he'd be confidently confused if one quilava didn't? Pokemon seem more rare in Orre, so it seems odd that he'd know in detail what pokemon should learn what moves. And Rui barely knows what pokeballs are! I'm surprised that she'd have an opinion on what moves a pokemon would know?

I think perhaps a less mechanical explanation might be like--Neo tries to teach Kohna Protect or something (and he's a good teacher! taught Novo! the best teacher!), but Kohna simply cannot grasp learning a non-shadow move; or, Wes tries to work with her on dodging/target practice or something and all that comes out is Shadow Rush; or, if you want to go full mechanical, the pokedex/PDA analyzes moves for pokemon but when it looks at Kohna it just spits out a bunch of confused gibberish. Idk! Lot more options than what I initially spitball here, but it does feel a bit like a player proxy as it stands.

As Wes called Neo close and prepared to send out his second Pokémon, he caught a glimpse of Lon retreating to the shadows in the corner of his eye; he had instructed the kid to keep his distance from him and Rui whenever possible, to prevent himself from being associated with Wes' battles, and to keep a low profile as much as he could.

"to keep a low profile as much as he could" felt a bit redundant here

The Croconaw leered at him, and Wes began to wonder if he hadn't made a huge mistake in choosing her. Of all his Pokémon, Nani was far and away the most difficult for him to manage; while Maku was compliant and Kohna was eager to please, Nani had made it clear that she would rather call her own shots, thank you very much. Wes had usually managed to coax her into cooperating with him, but only just by the skin of his teeth, and he had a suspicion her cooperation was more out of boredom than it was out of respect.

I'm with Wes wondering if this wasn't a huge mistake--this seems so callous. Novo and Neo can competently handle themselves; it just feels needlessly dangerous to send out Nani when she and the others are at constant risk of going full meltdown. Especially in light of the Kohna battle, where it's clear that shadow pokemon can go berserk even if they weren't visibly berserk prior, this seems particularly cruel/risky and I don't know exactly why Wes would do it? I think it's also interesting that Wes focuses on Nani's potential for disobedience (compared with Maku and Kohna), since last chapter showed again that obedience isn't mutually exclusive from a shadow pokemon rampage. This also seems pretty mutually exclusive with the lingering question of "how are we going to fix these shadow pokemon"--if the answer is just, yeet them into dangerous situations where they're at constant risk of harming themselves and others, and that works some of the time and not others, it doesn't really feel like a meaningful choice.

Maybe: Nani wants to battle! She seems to really love it after all, and maybe she can understand that she needs Wes to take her to these battles, so she makes it clear that she'll put up with his shit in exchange for a steady diet of violence friendship fights. After the Kohna thing, she and Wes have done a lot of practicing and Wes is convinced that she won't go nuts. Oops.

Maybe: Nani and Wes don't want to battle! But Wes leads with Neo/Novo, and has been doing so through all these battles, so they're getting tired + Neo gets knocked out. But it's a 3v3, so Wes doesn't have a choice--he's still nervous that Kohna might go nuts, Maku's too scared + is at a type disadvantage, so it's time to roll dice with the crocodile and hope things turn out okay.

Damn. Wes had been so busy assessing Neo's condition after his beating, he hadn't noticed Nover summoning his Noctowl until it was too late to call out a warning.

I like the bit of tension/action flow here.

Neo let out a weary yowl of triumph; Ledyba was downed at last, done in by a well-aimed Psybeam that had thrown him to the ground followed by a Return.

"had thrown him to the ground" feels a bit weird since it doesn't seem like Wes is looking that way until Neo yowls in triumph--so how does Wes fill in what happened here?

The resulting scream of pain from the other Pokémon made Wes' blood run cold. Such a scream should never be heard in a casual battle setting, not ever, and yet - Noctowl's Trainer looked largely unconcerned.

I ... guess, but shouldn't Wes' main concern be withdrawing Nani then? Since she's the one causing the pain? It's a little hard to see Noctowl's trainer as the bad guy here when Wes is the one casually sending his pokemon into battles like this knowing what they'll do.

On Wes' command, Neo rammed into Nani with a simultaneous Return and Confusion, ripping her and her foe apart and sending her flying across the ring.

few too many "hers" stacking up here

She vanished in a beam of light just before she could make contact. Wes shoved the ball back onto his belt with a shaky curse. He should have known, he should have known this was a terrible idea -

YEAH NO SHIT

"That was too easy."

Again, struggling to figure out what stopped him from trying this before?

"But we'll figure it out, I'm sure. The first thing is getting these Pokémon away from where they can hurt other people."

yeah like a battle circuit; making sure they don't battle other pokemon and break their legs is probably a good first start

And even though her baseless optimism usually annoyed him, even though her persistent positivity often wearied him...Wes found himself starting to believe her, though he had no idea why.

I wanted a bit more of a conclusion here--I notoriously sideye "although he had no idea why" sort of statements, but this one rang a bit hollow. What's changing for him? A consistent theme in this set of chapters has honestly felt like Rui doesn't actually live in the same world that Wes does; she had a loving family and a forest and food and she can't comprehend what his childhood was like--so what changes here that lets her words feel applicable?

There was just something about the way the sun warmed his brown and tan pelt and gleamed off every surface. There was something about the way the desert winds tickled his ears pleasantly and carried with it all kinds of smells from faraway places, tingling his Eevee senses. The sand beneath his little paws was soft, and it was sosatisfying to swipe at it and watch it blow to dust.

dropped a space in "so satisfying"
"his Eevee senses" feels a bit hard here--it's rough! trying to explain what species your narrator is without actually saying it outright lol.

Playing and rolling around in the dirt was beneath him - or so it was indicated, what with his head held high and the way he watched his brother with a disdainful gaze.

I think there may be a few too many words here
> "laying and rolling around in the dirt was beneath him. He watched disdainfully with his head held high.

He knew closeness with his Trainer wasn't the issue; he felt a rush of joy every time he looked at the boy, and he loved him just as much as he loved his brother. And while it only hurt his pride just a little that he now got totally steamrolled by his brother in all of their play-fights, here he was. Still an Eevee.

Do eevee have a concept that they need to be close to their trainers to evolve? That seems weirdly quantified haha. The passage of time is also a little hard to convey here--felt kind of awkward.

His friends on either side of him were roughly the same age as he, and the three of them stared Wes down with a menacing air.

A few too many words here imo:
> Two of his friends, roughly his age, flanked him on either side. All three stared Wes down menacingly.

Novo couldn't sense emotions as acutely as his brother could, but he didn't need to, at least not with his Trainer. Two years with the boy had taught him everything about his mannerisms and emotions; he knew exactly how he was feeling at any given moment just by observing his body language, his voice, the changes in his eyes.

I think you could maybe be sneaky here and put in some of the time passage--"In the three months since Neo had evolved, he'd demonstrated that he could sense Wes' emotions. But Novo didn't need those three months. Two years with the boy [...]"

Sage laughed, but it wasn't a nice sound. It was cold and cruel and smacked of barely restrained rage, nothing at all like the way Wes sometimes - well, rarely - laughed.

This felt like a strange way to look at things? Since Wes rarely laughs happily and presumably most people in Snagem don't either--what is Novo basing this concept of laughter off of?

The teen screamed in pain and lashed out at the Eevee, his fists berating every inch of Novo's small body. Novo simply sank his fangs deeper, bracing himself against the painful blows -

"berating" felt like an odd verb choice, and "every inch" is also kind of weird? like is he going for the edges here? would he?

He was suddenly wrenched from his foe as Sage was sent careening into the sand. Novo shook himself and looked up to find his Trainer standing over him, eyes burning furiously, fist still raised from the devastating punch he had landed on Sage's jaw.

This was hard to place--how does Wes punching Sage wrench Novo away from Sage?

One of the boys landed a solid kick in the Eevee's ribs and sent him rolling across the dirt.

"Wait!"

I wanted a bit more physicality here--Novo sort of disappears from the narration for a bit, and it's hard to tell that it's because he's stunned until later.

The conversation hummed in Novo's ears as he tried and failed to rise from where he lay. His chest was on fire, and it hurt to breathe, let alone move, but his Trainer was in danger, he needed him...

> his Trainer was in danger; he needed him

All he knew was that he was lunging forward, his paws barely grazing the ground as he flew at Wes' attackers, at these creatures that could barely call themselves human, ready to tear into them with wild abandon.

I thought it was interesting that Novo defines "human" as like, the standard of moral good here? It feels like neither he or Wes would really have good impressions of what it means to call yourself human at this point.

He found it resting in the sand just a pace away, having been forgotten in the ensuing chaos. He bounded over and nosed it back to his Trainer.

"just a pace away" and "bounded over" kind of feel mutually exclusive here

As Wes wrapped an arm around the Umbreon and cried, Novo came to one very solid, very clear conclusion.

</3

"This is where y'all live?"

lon is a cool kid thank you

He heard a woman's voice first, a rough cadence that was shrill with distress.

"a rough cadence" is a bit weird here--usually cadence would refer to the melody/inflection, so I struggled to picture this.

Her eyes, magnified behind a pair of oversized spectacles, immediately fastened on Wes.

IT'S TRELAWNEY!!

Wes took note of her multicolored robes and glittering jewelry, and he suddenly realized who she was: Fateen, the self-proclaimed Psychic of Pyrite.

I struggled a bit to understand how much Wes actually knows--he says her title with utter certainty here, but he was in the tent previously + was talking to her for a while in this scene before it sinks in. She's visibly obvious to recognize--maybe he's more focused on her voice or he isn't looking at her directly? I found it hard to believe that he'd have this conversation + note the flygon glasses (really cute detail) + not notice who she was earlier.

"A pleasure, then," Duking said warmly, and extended his hand for the boy to shake it. Lon did so, though not without hesitation; the man's sheer bulk was clearly intimidating him. "What's your name, kid?"

my name is alexander hamilton

"Lon, eh? Nice to meet you. I'm Duking, the town mayor - though you might already know that."

I seriously doubt it, Wes thought. Kids on the street couldn't care less about who had what titles or who was supposed to be in charge; the only thing worth remembering was who was a friendly face and who meant them harm.

lmao.

"Oh no, child, none of that. I mean my medical expertise. Surely you'll need someone with treatments available should any of these Pokémon get too close to one of you or your teams."

oh no! does pyrite not have a hospital in addition to a school??

Wes stared at her. What did she mean by that? Her shift in attitude towards him was rather unexpected - but he caught the faintest glimmer of mischief in her eyes, and he felt unsettled under her knowing gaze.

A+

Marci got to her feet and answered far too hastily. "No!"

The sequence here doesn't make it seem hastily--she got to her feet and then answered. Maybe
> "Marci answered far too hastily: "No!" She got to her feet.

The siblings both spoke at once: Marci with a nervous squeak and Secc in a defeated, deadpan tone.

"N-nothing!"

"Everything."

This one is more stylistic but I think it'd work better as one line:
>"N-nothing!" Marci squeaked nervously, even as Secc muttered in a defeated deadpan, "Everything."

Fateen chuckled and patted him on the shoulder. "Come now, dearie. You didn't really think you could keep something like this from them for very long, did you?"

I was going to say, easy for Fateen to say since they aren't her kids, but in hindsight Marci and Secc are way more sheltered than the kids Fateen normally has to look after, so lol.

"Because it's insane," Wes said flatly. "You think she'll want anything to do with any of us once she finds out I - no, all of us - lied to her face?"

nice use of royal "we" here

"'Doesn't seem right', does it?" Wes folded his arms and stared hard at the mayor, trying and failing to keep his rising frustration from showing. "Funny that should come from you - from both of you - when you've blackmailed me into this whole damn operation in the first place."

show me the lie tho

"I got tired of doing all that and not accomplishing a single damned thing," he said. "And I got especially tired of watching kids die on the streets."

this ... rings a bit hollow I guess? Kids were dying before this of all sorts of things; Pyrite doesn't even have a public school. It's clear that there were tons of deep-rooted issues before the shadow pokemon were a thing, and honestly even with the shadow pokemon I don't really see that as a bigger issue (specifically for a sheriff; I can see how it would affect Wes) regarding kids dying on the streets? Like they're dying because there's a massive gang and a plague and no food and no education; honestly, as far as I can tell, the number of human deaths directly caused by shadow pokemon is zero? So it feels weird that this is what's spurning him to act here, especially to break all the rules that have held him back all these years, and weirder still that Wes goes along with it.

I think there's an interesting tension/dynamic that could maybe be fleshed out here--Wes knows there are deeper issues + Snagem's been hurting kids long before shadow pokemon are, but shadow pokemon are shiny and interesting and also Sherles gets to point to a very definitive, very obviously evil target that he can easily aim against (compared to like, cracking down on starving pickpockets like Lon). Fighting the shadow pokemon crisis is such a small, removed action that requires sacrificing so much--the police force is basically just blatantly sponsoring stealing civilian property? But Sherles could think that it's worth it, that this is where the line is drawn--while Wes or Duking think there are other ways to fix Pyrite. Maybe Wes doesn't see the shadow pokemon as worth being saved, and he doesn't understand how Sherles can think that fixing this tiny stupid miniscule facet of the problem will do anything; this surely has no reflections on how Wes sees himself.

"Fine. I get it. But that doesn't change my answer." He looked back at Sherles. "My answer is still no."

"That doesn't change my answer. My answer is still no" feels a bit redundant when read as his dialogue.

Duking looked at him steadily. "You didn't answer my question."

Didn't quite follow why Duking was suddenly invested in Wes' personal investment here--perhaps a question for later.

And yet, despite the fact that he let out Neo and Novo in an attempt to calm his agitation with their presence, the question needled at his mind for the rest of the day.

Maku couldn't remember.

I feel like a line break got dropped here?

No blood was drawn, no yelps of pain or fear ever escaped. What was the point of fighting or battling if you weren't doing everything in your power to win?

"ever escaped" felt awkward as wording--maybe "No one drew blood; no one yelped in fear or pain."
also, oof :((((( sad perceptions of battling hurray wooh

Had he been happy before? Did it feel like the sun? He was certain he hadn't experienced it in the White Rooms, but if he closed his eyes and pondered, he thought he could remember...a girl's laugh, her arms around him, the trees swaying in a warm breeze...

</3

...Or was he trying to forget?

Neo had a problem.

another line break

Neo trilled in response, prancing across the floor as he expertly dodged her fangs. "Plaaaaaay!"

YES. THE BEST BOI.

He heard the sound of Wes' boots on the floor as he approached him. In the corner of his eye, he saw his Trainer crouch in front of him, felt him place a hand under his chin and raise his head until he was looking up into Wes' golden eyes. He was frowning at him, but his expression had softened a little.

I like how you frame this moment--demonstrates that Wes really knows what's up.

"You gotta give me thirty more minutes though, alright? Just thirty, and then we'll play."

Likewise, this is cute, but what are they actually doing inside for half an hour? Wes is on paperwork duty?

relishing in the sensation of Wes' hand stroking his fur, it felt like no time at all.

The last few days had been nothing short of a whirlwind

another line break bites the dust!

"Pap, I'm completely fine, I promise. It's not like I'm doing this alone, and Duking and his family have been perfectly hospitable!" She shifted on her small bed so as to sit in a more comfortable position. "Besides, I'm not even the one doing the dangerous work. That's on Wes, and he and his Pokémon can handle it."

I thought it was strange that she's allowed to tell her family everything--seems like Duking was invested in keeping this mostly need to know? No concerns about leaks or hacks?

Eagun had dropped the P*DA again. Rui smiled a little as she heard Beluh's voice gently chiding him in the background; her grandfather had never been great with technology, and it was rapidly becoming an expectation that he would fumble the P*DA at least once every video call.

this is so cute. tbt 2020 videoconferencing

"Rui, dear, are you certain you want to stay?" her grandfather, Eaugun, had asked one morning

extra letters in Eagun I think?

"Pikaaaaa!" Rika squealed in delight as soon as she caught sight of Rui's face, her red cheeks sparking excitedly. Though her muzzle and the tips of her ears were growing silver with age, the Pikachu still held as much energy and vivaciousness as her Trainer, Eagun.

I dunno if you need to specify "her Trainer, Eagun"--I think one or the other would be fine. This is such a cute image tho!

Rika took the next several minutes to tell Rui an exciting story, waving her paws and chirping, while Eagun attempted to translate - it was something about the trees near the Relic, apparently.

This opens up some interesting questions--can some humans completely understand pokemon, to the point that complex narratives can be conveyed?

That was true, although Rui couldn't ever remember Rika taking a specific interest in the old stone that sat in the center of Agate Forest. Local legends said it was guarded by a powerful and mysterious Pokémon; Rui herself had always liked to believe they were true, even though there had never been much evidence to suggest that they were.

c e l e r y

"I wonder what Pokémon you'll find today!" Marci said excitedly. She looked up at Rui with a wide smile, as if expecting her to throw out a couple guesses.

lmao, find, steal, what's the difference really

"That was a battle." Wes had kept his eyes trained on the shivering lump of fur across the cavern. Even with an entire room of space between them, the Flaaffy's terror was almost tangible. "She couldn't afford to be like this."

</3
I like Flaaffy as a character foil already. I hope she shows up more.

"She had no choice." There was a bitter edge in Wes' tone, and Rui gave him a questioning look. What did he mean by that?

bbygurl c'mon

He never gave her one, and the look in his eyes made her afraid to ask.

"he never gave her one" feels like it was meant to follow "seeking an answer" or something, but as it stands it's not really specific what "one" is

"Oh, come on, Neo. You've had your turn for years."

bless this is so cute

Rui shrugged her shoulders and hoped her smile remained a convincing one. "I'm just not cut out for Training, I guess. It's not my thing."

Secc seemed to accept this answer, but Marci's eyes went wide. "Really? I've always wanted to be a Trainer!"

I'm curious what they think of training here--seems like in Pyrite it's not a super glamorous position

Fortunately, he'd taken to Secc quite quickly, and now they could at least count on the Bayleef being in the same room as Wes, Neo, Novo, and Maku without launching into a rampage.

:( poor Maku being roped into this lol. Wes/Neo/Novo attacked him and I get that, but I'm not sure why he'd be leery of Maku?

After a moment of silence, he spoke again, though he didn't look at her when he did. "You'd make a good one, though. If you ever wanted to try again."

curious what he thinks of training tbh--is there a version of training in his mind that's completely separate from what he's used it for so far?

 

[WildBoots]

Hello! It took me much longer than I expected to make my way back here, but not for lack of interest!

Here for chapters 3 and 4.

So folks are looking for Wes! I wish we got a little more background information about who's looking for him and what his history with them is like, but! I'm glad there's a fire lit under him, and I'll be curious to see where else it pushes him.

Also, lol, Wes, go ahead and keep insisting that you're gonna leave for Johto and ditch Rui. I believe you.

I wasn't sure why he didn't try to convince Rui to go to Gateon, where he needed to be. I get that he's trying to get her something out of the deal--that's sweet and says something about him--but the reasoning felt incomplete. If it's just that Gateon doesn't have the amenities they'd need, that's fine, but it needs to be explicit.

Huh, Orre is different!! So, there are no wild pokemon and the training profession seems to be drying up ... where did the pokemon that are here come from? Were they all transferred in from elsewhere, or is the absence of wild pokemon a recent development?

The Novo/Neo POV sections didn't add much for me since, with the exception of the bacon slipped under the table, we didn't learn anything from these scenes we couldn't glean from their body language. It also felt like a rehashing of scenes we already saw. But I feel like it could be nice to get scenes from their POV from time to time when it's a new scene. What I did appreciate in those scenes is how we get a little more insight into Wes through them. Novo and Neo represent two sides of him, two impulses with regards to Rui.

Spoiler: Line-by-lines

sparkling fountains, and there was no respite from the blinding brightness

This is kinda interesting! It's an oasis, so in many ways it represents shelter from the desert, but it's still gratingly bright. It seems like Wes is dying for a break from the display of wealth.

Too many questions. Nervousness flitted about in his chest. She was entirely too curious, and every question was making him feel more and more threatened.

I think that last sentence is a little on the nose and I'd love to see a more physically grounded idea of what Wes feels/does when he's nervous. But the inner monologue here works for me.

"Aguav berries! Hondew berries! Come and get your exotic berries here!"

I'd shorten it, since the final sentence eliminates any doubt there might've been:
"Aguav! Hondew! Come and get your exotic berries here!"

Open-air shops under white canopies lined both sides of the street and offered a wide variety of products that could be found nowhere else in Orre; fresh fruit, imported goods, and a wide variety of fabrics, amongst other things.

Nice! I like this little scene. You need a colon and not a semicolon for a list, though.

"We wish to speak to the mayor, please," said Rui. She met his eyes evenly despite the man's intimidating presence. "It's urgent."

Wes half expected them to be turned away, but the man simply nodded.

I think others have already commented on this, but I did think it was odd how accessible the mayor is. I also wondered if this wasn't something that should be a police report instead? Or if there are no police in this lawless world ( ), maybe the mayor's "security team" or something.

"Wes." The mayor continued to look at him, as if expecting more, so he sighed. "Wesley Lycas."

Huh! so even if he grew up on the streets, there's some kind of family history following him, huh?

Auras? That did it. Not only had he happened to rescue the most clueless girl in all of Orre, she was also certifiably insane.

Lol mood. You found a hippie, Wes.

"Well, I won't pretend that this isn't...very hard to believe, my dear," said the mayor after a pregnant pause. "Are you certain about this...this gift of yours?"

Rui nodded, her face resolute. "I've had this gift for as long as I can remember, sir. I've always been able to see aura."

"Very well," he mused. He raised a meaty hand and rubbed his chin. "Go on."

This seemed like a good opportunity to try to prove it! What kinds of information can she glean about people from their auras?

the odd fact that Wes hadn't seen a Makuhita was not lost on him, apparently, and it likely contributed to his doubt. The man said nothing of it, however.

Wasn't sure if "the man" was Wes or the mayor here.

He'd never used it himself, though - the thought of leaving his Pokémon in someone else's hands was mortifying to him.

This is an interesting character moment!

"Yes, I'm hearing about it just now," she said scathingly. "It's not like I've spent the last twenty-four hours in a sack or anything!"

🙃

The low voice came into his head again. Remember this, boy. Don't stick your neck out for nobody.

Anger burned in his chest at the intrusive voice. You don't get to tell me what to do. Not anymore.

Ooh, nice. He's taking charge of his own thoughts. I wonder who this is. The man he was arguing with as he fled the building he, uh, blew up?

Wes couldn't help but feel mildly impressed at the speed with which Rui was devouring her burger. It made him wonder just how hungry she must have been this whole time.

Hm, I think he already had an inkling that she was hungry though--we got a full paragraph about it earlier.

though, after the long events of the day, alcohol did seem tempting.

alcohol was tempting.
Seem feels weaker to me.

"I'll have you know, I'm well over eighteen!"

He raised an eyebrow. "By what, a few months?"

Rui huffed at him. "I'm twenty-one, Wes."

Hm this felt a little drawn-out to me.

Her face held a lot more color now that she'd eaten, and she was, if possible, even more lively than before.

Maybe "the color had returned to her face"?

They were behind schedule, but no matter - they'd be on the road soon enough,

I wanted some indication here of how often the boats leave, whether he'd missed the one he planed to take, etc.

Novo yawned and stretched happily in the sunlight, his yellow markings glowing contentedly.

This doesn't quite land. It's Novo who should be contented, not his markings.

Neo padded up between Wes and Rui and let out a soft burp.

:D Good baby.

He heard the rough cadence of three all too familiar voices across the street, causing his heart to race.

Suggestion: From across the street came three all-too-familiar voices that set his heart racing.
(I'd save rough cadence to apply to one particular voice.)
The word "causing" is really what doesn't appeal to me.

There was no mistaking that gravelly voice. Wes had heard it all too many times before, usually before facing an unpleasant punishment. Wakin, Gonzap's second-in-command, had always loved to dole out the punishments himself whenever he could. Wes glanced nervously at the metal sleeve on his arm.

If Wakin found Wes now, he was a dead man.

I wanted this information to come before the thoughts about what Rui is going to think.

Wes' mind raced. He scrambled to think of a way to get out of this city without setting off Rui's suspicions. He certainly couldn't tell her what was going on, nor could he merely bolt away - what if she started shouting? Caused a scene? Drew attention from those menacing voices across the street...?

I think others have poked this one, too, but this was a little odd. It seems to me like a bigger priority should be getting away from them (and maybe keeping Rui from being hurt by them? I can't tell what he thinks they'll do) and not worrying about what Rui thinks of him.

"Yeah, but it's...not here. It's a bit of a drive. But I can take you there." The words tumbled out of his mouth before he even had time to think them through.

🚨
Also, "drive" felt weird to me. You drive a car but you ride a motorcycle.

as he slid into the driver's seat.

I'd probably just call this the seat, since there's only one.

Rui wasn't entirely sure this wasn't all just some sort of fever dream.

Oh! A POV shift!

In the span of just over a day, she'd seen a crazed Pokémon,

I get that you're going for a humorous understatement, but this feels like a missed opportunity to say more about how she experiences aura. She's gotta have a unique perspective on this.

was rescued by someone who acted for all the world as though he'd rather have left her there, and was now flying across the desert in a crazy death trap of metal with said stranger.

I think you could condense these two!

Wes didn't speak at all as they sailed across the sands. Rui was actually quite all right with this, as most of her concentration was spent shielding her face from the sandy winds and trying not to panic at the absolutely terrifying speed at which Wes was driving.

I would think it would be way too loud to even consider talking! (Good way to get a mouthful of sand, too.) I also wonder if you'd get a full sense of the speed when moving through a featureless landscape. When everything is featureless, it might feel slowed down.

Rui peeked at the driver underneath her hands covering her face.

I'd just name him.

"The hell do you need those for?"

"They're not for me, they're for her." Wes nodded at Rui.

Lol, yeah that makes it less weird. I love how he still gave no explanation here.

She began to feel slightly ashamed of herself for doubting the rogue trainer.

Rogue trainer feels like a strong descriptor for him at this point.

No wonder Papi was hesitant to let me go. I have no idea what I'm doing...

Why did he let her?

She noticed Novo watching from a safer distance. He sat primly at Wes' feet, crimson eyes narrowed distrustfully as he observed her. She'd attempted to pet him, too, at the restaurant, and his only response had been to snarl at her. "Novo, was it?" Rui asked softly.

The Umbreon answered with a growl.

This caught Wes' attention. He looked over his shoulder and glanced between Rui and Novo. "What are you doing?"

Rui smiled up at him sheepishly. "Just trying to make friends."

Can she see his aura at all? Seems like a good place to mention it.

She couldn't help but notice that the golden rays of the setting sun matched his eyes. Rui balked at this sudden thought. What is wrong with you? she asked herself sternly.

This didn't quite land for me because it's over-emphasizing a physical attribute rather than something he's doing.

the only thing on the floor was a small mattress and quilt.

The cellar door slammed shut and Wes stepped into the room behind her. "It's really not much," he said, "but it's the best option available out here." He must have noticed her eyeing the tiny mattress, because

THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED

The trainer in question was, indeed, on the floor.

Again, I'd just name him here.

He'd apparently rolled up his coat to serve as a pillow, and Neo was curled up against his Trainer's chest. One arm was loosely draped over the Espeon, and the two were fast asleep.

Aww. I liked that he got some extra utility out of the coat. Also I sleep curled up with my cat like this!

Wes could not believe that, a full day later, he was right back where he had started.

But you made this choice, Wes, lol. I don't know what amenities Gateon has/doesn't, but I was wondering why they didn't just go there.

He had decided so almost immediately upon seeing her emerge from that stuffy brown sack. Even though he'd sensed anxiety and fear rolling off her in waves, he also sensed something else: kindness. Gentleness. Sincerity.

Interesting parallel between Neo's psychic abilities and her aura abilities.

Her vivaciousness made itself known as they walked around town, and he liked her even more. Her bright spirit added a new dynamic to the trio that Neo had not seen before, and it was fun. Novo was always serious and alert, and Wes always made an effort to remain composed and impassive. Neo loved them both, but Mew above, being the only energetic one of the group sometimes got downright boring.

That first clause is a little clunky, but I like the sentiment: it makes sense that Neo would appreciate her bringing fun to this all serious all the time boy squad.

But aside from her odd red hair,

Is it that odd in this setting? Didn't the mayor's assistant have red hair, too?

His opinion of the girl lessened even further

This wording is funky.

Sorry this one is a little spare! A little distracted tonight. I'll be back for more thoughts later for sure. (To the Blitz and beyond. ✊ )

 

[Nubushi]

Hello, I’m here from the Review Blitz, reviewing chapter 1.

Well, this story gets off to a lively start! You have enough scene description to give me a good image of the setting, but not so much that it bogs down—the Western-style setting was interesting to me, as I haven’t seen much Pokemon media with that kind of setting (I’m not familiar with the Orre region). But then after that, you jump right into the action.

The boss running out and screaming bloody murder, and the way that Wes takes off leaving his boss in a cloud of dust is a little bit slapstick and cartoon-like, but maybe not necessarily in a bad way, as it gives a sense that this story is going to be a lively and fun romp. (Though, on the other hand, the end of the chapter, with the nightmares, suggests that it might be exploring some darker themes as well.) It really depends on what the overall atmosphere of the story is, and what you want to convey.

You have enough characterization that I can get a pretty good sense of the personalities of the three characters (human and pokemon). We have Neo indulging himself in gloating, and then sulking when Wes resorts to picking him up to get him out of there. Novo is the quieter, more obedient one, and also the perceptive one who notices when his human is having a hard time. Based on just this chapter alone, it does seem a little one-sided in that we see more troublesome behavior from Neo and more stereotypically good behavior from Novo, but I see this is an ongoing fic with a lot more chapters, so there’s plenty of time to show the good and bad sides of both pokemon.

One minor concern, having to do with the pokemon and Wes’s relationship with them, is that it says early on in the chapter that Wes doesn’t understand pokespeech, but then later, when his umbreon is concerned, he sort of seems like he does. Maybe if you put in a few words explaining that Wes knows what Novo is suggesting (because he’s done it for him many times), that could help solidify the sense that he doesn’t have a verbal understanding of what Novo is saying, but he can still guess anyways. However, it is not a really big problem, since as a reader I can also extrapolate and guess that Wes is guessing from experience what Novo is saying.

One more nitpick is that there isn’t a line break between when the characters walk into the diner and the dream scene; a line break or extra space would help there, but again, it’s not a huge deal.

Overall, the chapter started off with some action and brought up some hints about some important internal conflict that Wes has going on; it also leaves the reader curious about various things, like what was accomplished by Wes blowing up those buildings (why he did it), the circumstances around the scene in his dream, and why he wants to get away from Orre. All good things to accomplish in a first chapter!

 

[HelloYellow17]

Chapter 15: Reunion

They were being followed.

Wes had suspected it for a few days now; he could have sworn he'd felt an unwelcome pair of eyes boring into him from the shadows as he and Rui spent the days combing the streets for more trainers to battle, and was almost certain he'd glimpsed someone—or something—whisk around a corner and out of sight more than once.

He hadn't said anything to Rui. He was pretty sure that if he did, she would poke him in the side and mouth the word paranoid—and maybe it was paranoia. He'd kept his ear to the ground, but since his arrival in Pyrite, he hadn't heard a whisper of Snagem. He was pondering whether to tell Rui just as much when, on the way back to Duking's house one evening, he saw it.

They had just rounded a corner, the fading glow of the desert sunset casting long shadows between the dilapidated buildings on either side of them, when he heard a strange, low buzzing. He snapped his head around, and this time, he was just quick enough to catch a greenish blur before it vanished behind a nearby building. His blood turned to ice.

This was more than just a stranger on their tail.

"What are you looking at?"

Rui wore a look of idle curiosity. He could tell her about his suspicions—but no. He knew who he was dealing with. He could handle this. Wes forced a nonchalant shrug. "Nothing, really. Just thought I saw someone familiar."

"Oh? Who?" Rui's eyes sparkled with curiosity. When he didn't answer right away, she grinned mischievously. "Not Emok, right?"

"Wha—why would you guess her?" Wes scoffed in disbelief.

She shrugged and returned her attention to the road. "I dunno. I mean, don't you two have a history or something?"

"What?"

She glanced back at him in surprise. "Wh—don't you, though? I mean, I figured, with the way she greeted you—"

"Hell no. That's not—it was never like—that's just Emok. She likes to mess with people. Especially me." For some damn reason. Wes huffed and shoved his hands in his pockets.

Rui gave a snort of laughter. "Well, that explains things. No wonder she messes with you. You're too easy to rile up."

"Excuse me?"

She grinned. "You heard me."

"Where the hell did—? That's not—"

She laughed and turned to face him while walking backwards. "Look at you! You just proved my point!"

"I did not."

Rui retorted with a fast quip, but Wes wasn't listening anymore, his ears straining to pick back up the buzzing sound. Try as he might, though, he could no longer see nor hear their follower; they'd likely turned tail as soon as he'd caught sight of them.

Good.

He forced himself to appear as attentive as possible while Rui talked enough for the both of them, but his thoughts wandered for the rest of the journey back to the house.

Tomorrow. He would deal with this tomorrow … for better or for worse.

That night, he dreamed of places, of memories, and of people he would rather forget.

——————————————————————-

It was especially windy today.

Wes shielded his eyes from the sand swirling through the air and marched onwards, undeterred. Despite the persistent winds, the sun was still as bright and hot as ever. It seemed the desert was determined to make him pay for choosing to spend his lunch break outside.

Not that it mattered. The desert could freeze over, for all he cared; he would rather expose himself to the elements than spend a minute longer than necessary inside Snagem's hideout. At least out here, in the middle of a miniature sandstorm, no one would bother trying to find him.

He made his way to his usual lunchtime spot: a large scrub bush backed up against a cliff, one of the very few sheltered spots that was close enough to Snagem to make it there and back during his break. It was a perfect location, and one that he had only ever shared with his Pokémon and Alden.

Alden, however, would be absent today; he'd been sent on a Snagging mission near Gateon, and, given the distance, wouldn't be back for at least a few more days. Wes would never admit it, but it was different with Alden gone. Being around another human that didn't want to constantly take advantage of him in one way or another was…nice.

He made it to the large tree—well, alright, bush, but the thing was big enough to technically be a tree, and who in Orre really got to determine what trees looked like, anyway—and paused for a moment before calling out his two Eevee to stretch their legs. They loved being outside at least as much as he did, if not more, but it was unusually windy today, and he wasn't sure if exposing their little eyes to the harsh, sandy gusts was a wise decision. He'd only had them for a few months, and even with Alden's guidance, he was afraid of messing something up. What if they got an eye infection, or—?

WHAM.

Wes staggered forward with a yelp.

Always have a proper stance. Be light on your feet. Alden's advice rang in his mind. Be prepared to dodge. Make yourself a difficult target. Use your smaller size to your advantage.

He whipped around, head pounding from the unexpected blow. He sunk into a crouch, steeled himself, and lifted his gaze to meet his opponent's eyes—

A young girl stared back at him. She looked to be his age, but she was much smaller. Her fists were balled, and her stance matched his own. Her grey eyes burned with intense ferocity. She had short, light brown hair that fell just below her chin—the tips were jaggedly cut, the Orre special, hard to do it yourself without a mirror—Wes felt his mind drifting. She must've hit him harder than he thought.

"What are you doing in my spot?" she spat.

"Y-your spot?" Wes spluttered. "This is my spot! Always has been!"

"Liar." She narrowed her eyes. "I've never seen you here before."

"And I've never seen you! Who are you?"

The fire in her eyes calmed ever so slightly, but she kept her fists raised. "You mean…you weren't expecting me here?"

"Why the hell would I?" Wes snapped.

"You're not…here to hurt me?"

Wes blinked. Hurt her? She was the one who'd hit first.

Even though his head throbbed, he took a deep breath and forced himself to stay calm. He'd seen enough people pick fights they thought they'd win. There was a tension in her jaw that bullies never had—she'd picked this fight because she thought she'd had to.

"No," he said slowly. "I'm just…here for my break. I come here every day at this time."

"...Oh. I guess I shoulda figured." She slowly relaxed out of her fighting stance. When she looked him up and down, her gaze was calculating, but no longer threatening. "You look too easy to beat up. Are you the kid Sage is always picking on?"

Wes bristled. "That's none of your—"

"Wait, you have Pokémon, too?" Her eyes settled on the red and white spheres on his belt, and she tensed up again. "Y-you're not gonna set them on me, are you?"

"Wha—no!" Wes stammered. Gods, why couldn't this girl just go away? "Who are you? What do you want?"

She scowled at him. "Well, what I want is for you to go away and let me have my spot, but I don't want you to set your Pokémon on me, so…why don't we just call it a truce and share?"

Share? Share? His head was still throbbing. "I already told you, this is my spot."

"And it's mine, too! My breaks are usually earlier, but I switched with Len today. How was I supposed to know you'd be here?"

He returned her scowl. "Well, I don't want to share. Go away."

Her eyes flickered—Wes saw defiance there, but something else, too…fear?

"Fine!" Her voice cracked on the word. She whipped around and began to make her way back towards the base, against the wind—that must have been why she was walking so slowly, every step heavy, the same way he walked whenever it was time to return from lunch.

Alden's voice rang through his mind. Don't make an enemy when you have the chance to make a friend, kid. Believe me, most of those other kids are just tryin' to survive, like you.

Wes chewed on his lip. Alden wasn't here, but if he were...

"Hold it!" he called out. The girl's back stiffened. He saw her tense, as if contemplating flight, but at last she turned. Her head tilted up, defiant, as he approached. She thought he meant to beat her up after all, Wes realized. The idea made his chest twist strangely. "We can share. Just this once. But in return, you—you owe me, okay?"

It took a moment for his words to sink in.

"Owe you? Owe you what?" she said suspiciously.

He opened his mouth and then closed it. He hadn't exactly thought it through that far. "If I ever have to take my break early, I get to eat here. Deal?"

Her eyes narrowed like she was searching for a catch. "Deal," she said at last. She spat into her hand as she came forward, then held it out. Wes did the same.

The girl tucked a messy strand of hair behind her ear and winced as the wind picked up a little and sprayed them both with a fresh gust of sand.

"I'm Renna, by the way. What's your name?"

She didn't wait for him to answer before she sat in the cover of the bush, settling into the sand to make herself comfortable. She blinked up at him expectantly.

He slowly sat down across from her. "...Leo."

Renna grinned. "Hi, Leo."

There was a moment of silence as they looked each other over. Renna didn't seem like a threat, and she had obviously deduced the same about him. Wes pondered for a moment and reflected on Alden's words once more …

Then he spoke, and his words sealed the beginning of a new friendship.

"Wanna meet my Pokémon?"

The scene swirled and faded, and when it came back together again, the copper sands had been replaced with steely walls. Snagem's mess hall had never been all that much to look at—but then again, the same could be said for the rest of the building.

A small crowd of kids and teenagers huddled against one wall, watching the scene unfold from across the room. Some looked terrified, some eager, and others awed.

Wes staggered under another blow, but held his ground. He glowered at the older boy from under his raised arms. "That all you got?" he spat.

The boy barked out a harsh, bitter laugh. "You really don't know when to quit, do ya, Scarface?"

Wes heard a couple snickers from the crowd. He clenched his teeth and lashed out blindly. He hadn't expected to actually land a hit, just buy a few more seconds, but then—the impact blossomed across Wes' knuckles, and suddenly the older boy was stumbling backwards with a hand over his bleeding nose, eyes wide.

A heavy silence filled the room. The boy narrowed his eyes and drew himself up to his full height—two heads taller than Wes. He pulled his bloody hand from his face and curled it into a fist.

"You…" he snarled. "I'll kill you!"

"Having fun, Fray?"

All eyes turned to the girl standing in the doorway to the entrance, her arms folded and eyes narrowed. Her short, choppy hair had grown some since the day she first met Wes, and she was taller now, though her air of confidence was much the same.

"Stay out of this, Renna!" Wes snapped.

She glared at him. "Shut it." Her gray eyes flicked to the older boy. "Not that I care, Fray, but Scarface here has another Snagging mission tomorrow. Should I tell Gonzap he won't be able to go because you beat him up?"

Fray blinked. "I...uh…" He glanced back at Wes, one hand still cupped around his face. Wes noticed his eyes were watering. "No. This nobody ain't worth any more of my time, anyway."

"That nosebleed was free, though," Wes retorted.

Fray growled, but Renna cut him off. "He's worthless, Fray. Just drop it." She idly raised a hand and examined her fingernails. "Oh, and by the way, Wakin's heading this way, and he's in a real bad mood. I wouldn't stick around if I were any of you." She threw a pointed look at the crowd of kids on the other side of the room.

She didn't need to say anything more. The mess hall came alive with shuffling movement as the kids immediately scattered, heading for any of the three exits. Renna stepped aside as Fray and several others bustled out the door behind her. In less than a minute, the room was clear.

Wes pushed himself off the wall and wiped a dribble of blood from his mouth. He shot Renna a burning look. "I was fine, you know."

"You're welcome."

"I mean it. I didn't need your help."

"Sure." Renna rolled her eyes. "When are you gonna learn, moron? Quit mouthing off to people twice your size! Actually, quit mouthing off, period!"

"He started it!"

"Yeah, and he would have ended it, too!" Renna shot back.

Wes could only respond with a scowl. He knew she was right, but what difference did it make? People like Fray were going to push him around whether he fought back or not. And it wasn't like Gonzap would care unless someone got too injured to work...

Renna relaxed a little, her face softening. "I'm...sorry for calling you Scarface, by the way. I had to convince Fray—if he thought we were friends—"

Wes glared at the floor. "It's fine." After a few beats of silence, he added quietly, "It's better than Leo."

"You …don't like your name?" Renna sounded surprised.

"It's not my name."

"Wha—yes, it is! What are you talking about?"

Wes looked back up at her. "It's a name Gonzap chose for me. But it's not mine. I picked my own a few years ago."

Renna's eyes widened. "Really? You can do that?"

"I don't know if I can, but I did." Wes gave her a small grin. "My real name's Wes."

"Wes, huh?" Renna tilted her head to the side. "How come you still go by Leo, then?"

"I don't think Gonzap would like it if he knew I changed my name from the one he gave me."

She grimaced a little. "You're probably right. He'd think you're rebelling against him or something."

Maybe I am, he thought venomously. Gonzap and his rules could rot; Wes' name was his own to choose.

"Well, then…" Renna stuck out her hand with a wide grin. "Pleasure to meet you, Wes."

He stared at her for a moment, at this fierce, fiery girl who had absolutely no obligation to call him her friend...and smiled. He laughed and shook her hand.

"Nice to meet you, too."

The scenery blurred again, then came back together to the same scrub bush, the same harsh sun. A slightly older Wes sat with his Pokémon and Alden.

Neo and Novo were eating over a scrap of fabric that Wes had laid out for them in a feeble attempt to keep sand out of their food. He'd wondered about scraping up the funds to get a bowl for them, or maybe taking one from the mess hall, but had no idea how he'd keep the thing without it getting stolen...and he wasn't sure how successfully he could get them to eat out of one bowl together, anyway.

As if to confirm this last thought, Novo hunched protectively over his kibble and let out a garbled snarl, as if suddenly realizing he wasn't eating alone. Neo flinched away, tail twitching in annoyance, and responded with a soft growl of his own.

"Novo, cut it out!" Wes said sternly. He scooted Neo's pile as far away from his brother's as possible. This appeared to be good enough, as the hairs along Novo's back slowly smoothed out and Neo returned to his meal in peace. Novo had plenty of dignity, but apparently it vanished once food came into play.

Alden, having seen this scenario play out more than once, merely shook his head and then glanced at his watch. "Is it just me, or is she a little late? That's not like her."

Wes shrugged and took a bite of his sandwich. "She had her first Snagging mission today. Maybe it went late."

Alden's face darkened. "I always said Gonzap starts you kids on those damn missions way too young."

Wes looked up at him. "What do you mean? Mine went fine! And I've been on a bunch since!"

"You've got your Pokémon looking out for you on yours, kid."

"I didn't on the first one."

"Yeah. That time you had me."

Wes scowled. It wasn't that he was ungrateful for Alden's help and guidance over the three years he'd known him, but it frustrated him that the man still saw Wes and Renna as helpless children in need of protection. None of the other adults treated him that way; in fact, now that he'd proven himself to be such a skilled Snagger, he was being pulled into more missions, and being granted more responsibilities on each one.

Alden didn't reply, but Wes could tell he was displeased with this—though Wes had no idea why.

Novo looked up from his kibble and pricked his ears forward. Neo quickly followed suit, and before Wes could glance over his shoulder—

"Wes, Alden! Look, look, look!"

Renna's voice was ringed with excitement as she ran to them, something clutched in her hand and eyes bright with triumph. She reached them, panting, and shoved the object in her hand out to Wes' face: a Pokéball.

"I did it!" she cried, face glowing, hair plastered to her forehead with sweat. "I Snagged my first Pokémon!"

Alden's smile was one of relief, not triumph. "Glad you made it back safe, kid. Who's the new Pokémon, then?"

Without another word, Renna tossed the ball to the ground; even before the light faded, she had scooped up her new companion and held it out at arm's length for them to see. "Look at her! Isn't she amazing?"

"Amazing" was not the word Wes would have chosen. Renna's new Pokémon was a round orange blob, with beady black eyes and four short, stubby legs. It took Wes a moment to realize that the blobby part was a massive head that was twice the size of its body. The creature blinked slowly at him before opening its horrifyingly oversized mouth and greeting them with a rough, grating rumble.

"Inch," it said.

Wes stared. "What. Is that."

Alden laughed. "Well, I'll be damned! Is that a Trapinch?"

"Yeah!" Renna beamed. "Her name is Viria and she's perfect and she's mine and she's beautiful!"

"Amazing" was one thing, Wes thought. "Perfect" and "beautiful", however, were truly stretching things. It had a face like a boulder, and its orange skin reminded him of the desert at its hottest.

Still, he smiled. Renna had been desperately hoping for her own Pokémon ever since meeting Neo and Novo, and he could see just how thrilled she was to finally have one. "Congrats, Renna! You did it!"

"Yeah, I did!" Renna swelled with pride. "Wakin told me I was sloppy, but I don't care. I still got her, didn't I?"

"You sure did, kid." Alden gave her a small smile, though to Wes it looked somewhat forced. "They gonna be putting you on more missions, you think?"

"I think so! I mean, I wasn't great, but Del thought I was good enough to go again. Besides, now that I have a Pokémon, I can do even more! We can work as a team!"

"And we can battle, now, too!" Wes smirked. "Don't worry, I'll go easy on you."

She stuck her tongue out at him. "I don't need you to go easy! We'll trample all three of you—right, Viria?"

"Tra."

Neo's eyes lit up and Novo let out a reproachful bark. "Umb!"

"We'll see about that," Wes said smugly.

The sands swirled again, and this time images flickered past, snippets of angry shouts and tears and dark, shadowed rooms…

"I didn't—didn't mean to—I'm sorry—!" Wes sobbed.

A boy's young, tear-stained face in a dark room as he screamed—

"This is YOUR FAULT, LEO! I HATE YOU!"

The boy's face changed to Renna's, her angry and tearful shout ringing off the walls—

"I did what I had to do, Wes!"

He wanted to scream, to run, to get away from these memories. "Stop it—please—I'm sorry—"

And then, as if granting his wish, everything blurred and faded into dark nothingness.

———————————————————

He awoke slower than usual.

Wes forced his eyes open and sat up slowly. He felt like his brain was slogging through mud. It took him a moment to acclimate himself; he was still getting used to the lack of sunlight from being underground. What time was it? He checked the time on his P*DA and groaned. How had he slept in so late…?

"Bri?"

Novo pricked up his ears from where he sat near the bedroom door—his self-appointed watch post for every night. He blinked up at Wes expectantly.

"Novo," Wes said slowly, "did you help me sleep last night?"

Novo wagged his tail. "Umb!"

Well. That explained things. Wes heaved a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, bud, I know you're trying to help, but from now on, don't use Hypnosis on me unless I ask. Okay?"

The Umbreon's ears drooped slightly, but he held his trainer's gaze. "Bri. Umbri."

"I mean it. I can't afford to keep doing this. It's not…" He paused. "Healthy."

...Not that going without sleep was any better, but he would have to take his chances with that. The fact that Novo had taken it upon himself to use Hypnosis made him uneasy—had he done it before?

Novo looked down at his paws and rumbled a reluctant agreement.

At the foot of Wes' bed, Neo stirred and stretched, parting his jaws in a wide yawn. "Spiiiiiiii…"

A knock at the door made all three of them jump. Novo arched his back and snarled until Wes hushed him.

"Wes?" Rui's voice sounded from the other side of the door. "Um, sorry to wake you, but we have another meeting with Sherles today .. .remember?"

Wes pinched his nose and stifled a groan. Another meeting. Fantastic. He was beginning to wonder what the point of all these meetings were; other than obtaining a few new Pokémon, they had made precious little progress in tracking down any culprits or where the Pokémon were coming from. It wasn't like any of this got settled in meetings anyway. Inevitably, he'd pick another battle, Lon would do his work, and Sherles would be safely back at the station, ready to welcome them with paperwork and agendas. Sherles grilled him about what he'd seen, if any of the trainers seemed related—they weren't, but nothing Wes said would convince him otherwise, so they talked in circles for hours.

He mumbled a response as he forced himself out a bed in a foggy daze. He glanced at the three other Pokéballs on his belt, slung over the bedframe, and heaved a sigh.

If this really was his ticket to Johto, it would be faster to walk.

——————————————————————

"That," Silva said slowly, "is a lot of Pokémon."

Rui sat with Wes and the others inside the cavern, each of them around the table that Duking's kids usually used for homework. Secc and Marci had been banished from the room for the duration of the meeting, much to their chagrin ("But why can't we stay? We already know what's going on!") and Lon, who had little interest in dull meetings, had been more than happy to go entertain his Pokémon in the living room.

They all turned to the large cluster of Pokéballs resting on the tabletop; including the four Pokémon Wes had Snagged from Phenac, they now had a total of twelve, with their newest being a Quagsire that Lon had successfully snatched yesterday.

Sherles shook his head and rubbed his temples. "Merciful Arceus," he mumbled, "How many more are there?"

"What are we gonna do with 'em all, boss?" Johnson asked with a frown.

"For the last time, Johnson, don't call me boss—"

Rui looked back at Duking and Sherles across the table. "Well…what are our options?"

"That's the problem," Duking said. "Orre doesn't have anything in the way of Pokémon shelters, and we don't even have a Center in this town we could hope to turn them over to—once they're cured, of course."

He faltered a little at that last statement, and Rui's stomach sank. Despite her insistence that the dark auras of these Pokémon were steadily becoming clearer and purer, everyone else seemed to be getting more and more discouraged by the day. To them, Maku, Nani, and Kohna were all still prone to frenzied fits mid-battle, and she and Wes were struggling to work with them in such a state. It seemed that once they lost control, nothing could reel them in besides Wes shouting at them—and even then, that didn't always work.

Rui chewed her lip in frustration. There had to be a solution somewhere—but where?

"Couldn't some of you take them?" Wes' voice pulled Rui from her spiraling thoughts. "Johnson only has two of his own, right?"

Johnson tilted his head to the side thoughtfully, then shook his head. "Well … nah, that won't work. Sakura and Frego aren't just battling Pokémon, see. To be on the force, Pokémon and their handlers have to go through a lot of behavioral exams, and..."

He trailed off, but he didn't need to finish his sentence. None of the newly Snagged Pokémon would last more than five minutes in a behavioral evaluation.

Silva glanced at Duking. "I mean…you've got room on your team..."

Duking sighed and rubbed his forehead. "It's…it's not that I'm unwilling, but I already have my hands full, what with the Colosseum and the kids…but I could take in a few, I suppose. It could be good for them to train with Omi and Hiro."

"And you, Lycas?" Sherles looked at Wes. "You have room for one more, yes?"

"Technically, yes," Wes said tersely. "But I don't know how smart it would be to take another one. My hands are full with who I've got."

He could say that again, Rui thought. Maku and Kohna were docile enough—most of the time—but Nani alone had enough attitude for all five of his team.

But, to Rui's mild surprise, Wes sighed and said, "If I can find one that I think will be a good fit and won't be too difficult, then…I'll consider it."

That still left them with several Pokémon unaccounted for. Johnson threw Duking a hopeful look. "Well...what about Secc and Marci, then?" he proposed. "They seem mighty eager to be trainers—"

"With all due respect, officer, there is no way in hell I am letting my kids train those Pokémon." Duking raised his head and gave Johnson a hard stare. "If they were normal Pokémon I might consider it, but these ones…they're dangerous. I won't entrust them to anyone but a skilled trainer."

Sherles nodded. "That would be for the best, I think."

"Oh!" Rui perked up. "Why don't you take some, Chief?"

There was an awkward pause in which both Silva and Johnson shifted uncomfortably. Duking sighed again, and Sherles' face was taut. From the shifting auras in the room, Rui immediately sensed that she'd hit a nerve.

"I—um, sorry, I didn't mean to offend..."

"S'okay, Miss," said Johnson. He shifted in his seat and glanced at the Chief. "Boss just…doesn't do Pokémon."

"It's alright, Johnson," said Sherles with a wave of his hand. He looked at Rui with a small smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "I used to be a trainer, Miss Everlin, but I haven't been for nearly twenty years now. Not since I lost my starter on the job."

Oh. Oh. Rui felt her stomach drop and heat rush to her face. "I—oh, Arceus—I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have—"

"It's quite alright, my dear." Sherles' reply was understanding. "You didn't know."

Silva mercifully interrupted the brief pause that followed. "Well…what about you, Rui? Have you ever thought about being a trainer?"

Rui noticed Wes shoot her a sideways glance, though he said nothing. She dropped her gaze to the table. "I...I don't do Pokémon, either. For reasons similar to Sherles'."

Silva frowned, but said nothing.

Johnson stared at her for a moment as he processed her statement. Understanding blossomed across his face. He blurted, "Do you mean you lost a—?"

"What about you, son?" Sherles cut him off with a sharp look before turning to Silva.

Silva blanched. "Wh—uh—me?"

"No, the other Silva," Wes mumbled dryly. Rui bit back a snort.

Duking sighed. "A trainer, Sherles. Silva's never even had a Pokémon, and I certainly don't think his first should be…one of these." He gestured vaguely at the many Pokéballs on the table.

But Silva was now looking at the Pokéballs with a strange look on his face, as though he'd never considered the possibility before. "I mean…I've never had my own Pokémon, but I've spent my whole life around them, and helping out at the Colosseum…"

"Heh. You should give the Misdreavus a try," Johnson said with his usual lopsided grin. "He sure seems to like you, doesn't he?"

Silva paled a little. "H-he likes to torment me. Not the same thing."

It was true that the Misdreavus, Dio, had a nasty habit of tormenting anyone in general—popping out of shadows with a screech, phasing through walls next to people's heads, and pestering the other Pokémon while cackling maniacally—but the ghost was particularly interested in Silva. Rui didn't know much about ghost types, but she and Wes both guessed this was due to the fact that Silva himself had claimed he was not fond of ghost types, thus leading Dio to fixate on his fear.

The worst part, however, was trying to work with Dio in any constructive way. While all the new Pokémon were allowed out of their balls under Wes and Duking's supervision, Dio's antics in particular made him nearly impossible to reign in without having Novo watching his every move.

"I don't think it's a good idea," Duking said curtly. "He's not experienced."

"He has you, though, doesn't he?" Wes said. "If he wants to try, he's got space to train in the Colosseum. And you'll be there with your team to keep things from getting out of hand."

That's a good point, Rui thought. Wes had been utilizing the Colosseum on its off days to train with his team, and it was certainly a relief to have an open space where the unstable Pokémon could be worked with more safely.

Duking seemed to be mulling this over when Silva said, a little quietly, "I wouldn't mind giving it a try."

Sherles gave a curt nod. "Well then, aside from that, it seems we don't have many other options other than to keep up with what we're doing, then. Are things still working in the Colosseum?"

"Well enough," said Duking. "It's a good spot to work with several Pokémon at once, and they do seem to be responding to training, though some are more receptive than others."

Duking, with Silva's help, had been taking as many of the Pokémon as they could to the Colosseum to work and train with them on their breaks. At first, Rui wondered why he didn't simply train with Wes—but she had a suspicion it had something to do with the frosty atmosphere she'd detected between the two. Better not to pry.

The conversation shifted to Wes and Rui and any information they'd been able to gather—which was, unfortunately, next to nothing. Every trainer Wes had battled either dodged his questions, refused to speak to him outright, or simply answered with a smug variation of, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"No one's talking," Wes said, and Rui could hear the frustration in his tone. "Whoever is responsible for this, they're powerful enough to keep all these trainers quiet. The most I've been able to get is that they seem to be getting these Pokémon after a battle of some kind, but that's it."

Johnson cocked his head to the side. "A battle, huh? Like a special sort of battle?"

"No idea."

There was a heavy silence. The weariness in the room felt suffocating.

"I—I'm taking notes!" Rui spoke up, a little louder than she meant to. "On the Pokémon, I mean. On what's working and not working. I've noticed the ones that have spent the most time with us have much calmer auras than the newer ones, so something is working. I think a lot of it is just…treating them right."

Duking nodded. "I agree. It's pretty obvious they haven't received the best treatment, though it seems to go farther than simple neglect. I know trainers in these parts are rough on their teams, but these Pokémon here—" He jerked his head to the table— "are all showing signs of serious abuse."

Rui nodded, then dropped her gaze to her lap. Even with the savage ones aside, the way Pokémon were treated in this town was horrible. After all, what kind of town had a Colosseum but not a Pokémon Center? (It didn't have a hospital for people, either, apparently.) It was all so foreign here, with the harsh battles and weaponizing of Pokémon. In Agate, Pokémon were friends, companions, another member of the family. While it was true that Agate mostly consisted of retired Ace Trainers from other regions, she'd never realized how different it was from the rest of Orre.

More things were said after that, but she had long since stopped paying attention, and instead mulled over possible solutions to their many problems. Perhaps she could ask Pap or Nan for advice…but that would mean sharing more details about the mission, and causing them more worry…

Rustling and movement made her jump and look up; the meeting had apparently ended, as everyone was rising from the table and breaking off into separate conversations. Wes already standing and gathering up his bag

She frowned at him. "Are you going somewhere?"

"I'm going out to run some errands today. We need more Pokéballs, and Lon said he knew a place that sold some here."

"Oh! Really?" Rui perked up. "Let's go, then!"

"No. I'm going alone." Wes' response was surprisingly curt, even for him. "It's in a not so great part of town, and I'd rather you not come."

…Oh.

For some reason, his words hit her like a punch to the gut. Of course he wouldn't want her to come—what she'd seen of Pyrite was shady enough, so she couldn't imagine what the less desirable parts of town were like. And I'm worthless in that department, she thought dejectedly. In a place like that, I'm just…extra baggage.

She knew it made sense for her not to go, knew it was practical and not personal…so why did she feel so hurt?

Rui forced a small smile. "That…that makes sense. I was going to help Marci with her homework, anyway."

Homework. Wes was saving Pokemon. Duking was saving a city. I feel so useless.

Wes wasn't looking at her; he seemed preoccupied with gathering his belongings. He only briefly made eye contact with her to nod and say, "See you later, then," before walking out the door.

Silva and Johnson cheerfully bade him farewell and they, too, began filing out of the room with Duking and Sherles. Rui looked back down at her hands.

If I had stayed a trainer, would I have been more useful…?

"Rui? Care to join us?" Duking was still standing in the doorway and looking at her with mild concern.

"Y-yes, I'm coming!" Rui injected what she hoped was convincing cheerfulness into her tone and hopped up from her chair. Duking ushered her through the door with a small smile.

"You know, we're quite fortunate to have you here," he said lightly. "We wouldn't know where to begin without you and that impressive ability of yours."

Rui blinked up at him and returned his smile, a tiny flicker of warmth replacing the sinking feeling in her stomach. "Oh, I don't know about that. Wes is doing most of the work, anyway."

Duking shook his head. "Trust me, my dear, you're more valuable to this mission than any of us." His mustache twitched as he smiled wider. "I just thought you ought to know that."

Rui wasn't able to answer, as at that moment they entered the kitchen and Marci bounced up to her to tell her all about an art project she was excited about. Rui took a moment to take in the sight of the cozy kitchen, of Secc tucked into his usual seat as Duking ruffled his hair, of the pleasant and bright auras emanating from all three of them.

Not useless. She raised a hand to her necklace and held it tightly. I am not useless.

She would keep repeating those words until she believed them.

————————————————-

Gods, he hated this bridge.

Wes squared his shoulders and clenched his jaw, forcing himself to keep his eyes straight ahead as he walked across the creaky wooden planks. The Colosseum lay just ahead, a once-impressive wooden dome that now looked as though a tornado had ripped through it. No matter how many times he'd trekked across the gaping canyon that separated the Colosseum from the rest of the town, he still felt as queasy as he had the first time.

The bridge swayed slightly in the updrafts from the black abyss below. Wes felt his heart skip a beat and cursed quietly under his breath. He did not relax until he finally made it through to solid ground on the other side.

Wes allowed himself a moment to take a few deep, shaky breaths, then let Neo and Novo out of their Pokéballs. Logic told him they would have been just fine crossing the bridge with him, but the thought of either of them slipping off the edge was enough for him to dismiss that thought.

"Es-prrrrr!"" Neo trilled as he shook out his coat. Novo yawned and blinked sleepily.

"Keep an eye out, guys," Wes said, his voice low. "We're expecting some…old friends."

Both of them tensed and sharply met his gaze. They understood what he meant.

Wes had spent the last hour walking the side streets of town, waiting for her to reappear. He'd kept Neo close, and as soon as the Espeon alerted him with a soft chirp, he'd felt the hairs rise on the back of his neck.

He'd meet her on his own terms.

Wes stepped into the empty Colosseum and made for the training arena, a smaller dome behind the main one that was little more than wooden walls and rafters and packed-down sand for the floor. A few empty oil drums sat along one side—props for training exercises, he figured. He leaned against one and waited.

Neo and Novo sat at attention on either side of him, ears pricked and eyes alert. After several minutes, Neo's tail lashed and Novo rumbled softly. Wes raised his eyes to the hole-y ceiling and spoke, his voice echoing in the vacant space.

"I know you're here."

Several beats of silence. Then—

"Long time no see, Leo."

Her voice, though soft and low, still carried across the dome. Wes flicked his gaze to the entrance and saw exactly who he was expecting to see.

Instead of the usual dark, baggy Snagem uniform, she was sporting a leather jacket and slim, dark denims with sturdy boots. Her short, choppy haircut was long gone; now her hair flowed in sleek, straight tresses all the way down to the center of her back.

"Renna," Wes said quietly.

"Wes." She strode out of the shadows and took up a position a few feet in front of him, though she still kept close to the edge of the room. Never leaving her back exposed, like a good Snagem member.

She leaned against the wall and regarded him with a cold, gray-eyed gaze. "Miss me?"

Two growls saved Wes from having to answer. Novo stalked forward, hairs rising on his nape, lip curled to reveal a sharp set of fangs. Neo weaved around Wes' legs and took a protective stance in front of him.

Renna merely spared them a passing glance. She looked back at Wes with a raised eyebrow. "Turned them against me already, have you?"

"I didn't turn them against you." Wes returned her icy stare with his own. You did that yourself.

"Figures." She pushed herself off the wall and came closer, ignoring how Novo's snarls grew louder with each step she took. Wes gave no command to attack, however, so the Umbreon simply nipped threateningly at her heels as she passed him by.

She came to a stop scarcely a few inches from Wes' face. This close, he could see her smile barely masked sharp edges of anger.

"I'm a little hurt, you know," she said smoothly. "You didn't even bother asking if I wanted to come along for the ride?"

"Slipped my mind, I guess," Wes answered coldly.

"Oh, come now. I know we weren't rainbows and sunshine, but I doubt you'd forget about me so easily." She leaned in, uncomfortably close—intentionally close, he knew.

"Are you done?" he growled.

"Oh, I'm just getting started." Her eyes bored into his. "Tell me, what's this about you running off to play cop?" She raised a hand to fiddle with the collar of his coat in a mockingly flirtatious gesture.

Once upon a time, such a gesture would have meant something to both of them—but that time had long since passed. He pushed her firmly by the shoulder and spoke in a low voice.

"Step. Away."

A gleam entered Renna's eyes, one that Wes knew well, and he wondered if she would push back just to challenge him. Instead, she took a few steps back with a mocking snort, ignoring the growls from Neo and Novo as she moved.

"Even after all this time, it doesn't take much to get under your skin, does it?"

"Don't test me, Renna."

Her eyebrows shot up, then she tossed her head back and barked out a laugh that rippled with cold, righteous fury. When she looked back into Wes' eyes, her own were bright with anger. "Are you threatening me, now?"

"Depends," Wes spat. "What do you want? Why are you here?"

"Isn't it obvious? I've been sent to track you down. Drag you back to Snagem if I can." She crossed her arms. "Wakin assigned me the job himself."

"Of course he did." Wes tried and failed to mask his own anger as he spoke. "Wouldn't entrust the job to anybody but his favorite, now, would he?"

He'd struck a nerve.

She was back in his face before he could even blink; her hands closed around the lapel of his coat as she slammed him into the oil drum behind him, a snarl tearing from her throat.

"Don't you dare go there. You of all people should know—"

"BRI!"

Novo's enraged bark rang in Wes' ears. He saw the Umbreon advancing on Renna, back arched, rings pulsing, ready to tear into her in an instant. Neo flanked her on the other side, his jewel gleaming with psychic energy.

Renna's eyes flicked to them and back to Wes. "Call them off," she said softly, "or I will make things ugly."

Her hand twitched to the two Pokéballs on her belt.

Wes glowered back at her, seething with hot fury. He didn't doubt Renna's promise to wreak havoc, however, and silently returned Neo and Novo to their Pokéballs before shoving her away.

She huffed and straightened her jacket. "Don't go there," she repeated, glaring daggers at him. "Don't you dare."

He scoffed at her. "Am I wrong? One day you hate everything about Snagem and what it stands for, and the next you're sucking up to Gonzap and Wakin, chomping at the bit to do all their dirty work—"

"Well, we weren't all as lucky as you, were we?" Renna snapped. "We weren't all naturally gifted, so some of us had to scrape and claw for every chance to make ourselves useful!"

Wes folded his arms. "Don't make it sound like it was easy for me. You know damn well it wasn't."

"But that didn't stop you, did it?" she hissed. "Didn't stop you from stepping on everyone else to survive, to rise up the ranks, and now you have the nerve to lecture me for doing the same thing, for trying to protect my family—"

"There you have it, then!" Wes shot back. "You protected yours, and I protected mine!"

"By blowing up the base?" Renna's volume rose with every syllable. "Do you realize how many people you could have killed? Kian has scars because of you!"

Wes' stomach wrenched. He'd been careful, so careful, about timing with the shifts on base to minimize casualties, but he'd known there were bound to be injuries. Kian was one of the few grunts he'd never had issues with … but the damage had already been done. He couldn't afford regrets.

"I didn't blow up the base," he said, forcing his voice to remain even. "I blew up the Snag Machines. There's a diff—"

"Oh, sure!" Wes saw Renna's eyes briefly scan his blue coat, then she looked back at him with a bitter, scathing sneer. "I'm sure Alden would be so proud of who you've become, Leo—"

It was Wes' turn to lunge.

He seized Renna by the collar of her jacket and wrenched her face close to his. Rage blazed in his chest.

"Don't call me that, don't ever call me that, and how dare you—"

"How dare I? How dare you! You LEFT!" Her shout echoed painfully off the rounded walls. "You left, Wes, and you didn't tell me anything before you—you—"

Her voice cracked.

Wes stared, shock slowly washing over his hot anger. Renna's eyes glistened with angry tears; her smooth facade from just a few minutes ago having crumbled to dust.

"I..." His grip slackened. After months of watching Renna dive headfirst into the life of Snagem authority, of watching her appear to revel in it, he'd chosen to keep her in the dark about his plans. Perhaps, if they'd been on speaking terms at the time, he might have known how she really felt, and things would have been different…

You were no better, the voice in his head hissed, almost gleeful. You subscribed to that life just as much as she did, didn't you? After Alden—

I know. He clenched his teeth. I know.

Renna was trembling slightly, still glowering at him, and Wes could no longer deny the shame swelling up inside his chest.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

Her eyes flashed; she shoved him forcefully away. "Shut the hell up! You think I want your pity? I've made my decision and I'm stuck with it. But don't you dare think for one second it's because I wanted to."

Silence filled the space between them. Wes closed his eyes and ran a shaking hand through his hair, forcing himself to take deep breaths. Renna's remark had cut deep, slicing at him like an icy knife—and she was right.

Wes was nothing like Alden had taught him to be, and he hated himself for it.

Still, she knew better than to call him Leo, knew how much he hated that name and what that meant to him, and—

Wait. Wait.

He glanced down at the Pokéballs on his belt.

A name—

"Dammit, Wes," Renna said through clenched teeth. "If you'd just left the region like a sane person, I wouldn't have had to deal with all of this."

Wes shook away his thoughts and looked back up at her, taking in the frustration on her face. He leaned back against the oil drum once more and folded his arms to hide the fact that they were trembling. "So. You found me. Now what? Going to turn me in?"

She didn't answer right away. Instead, she narrowed her eyes at him and mirrored his stance. When she finally spoke, her answer caught him by surprise.

"No."

He raised an eyebrow at her.

Renna sighed and shook her head. "Even if I wanted to drag you back to Snagem—and I'm not sure I don't—that's not what I'm here for. I was under orders to tail you and find out what you're up to, but nothing more."

What? He frowned. He'd expected Snagem to attempt to drag him back at any cost. What was she playing at?

Renna must have seen his confusion, because then she said, "I didn't get it either—until I came here." She paused. "Somebody here has a monopoly on your head, Lycas. And they're powerful enough that Snagem doesn't want to get involved."

Wes stared at her, a chill running down his spine. "What?"

"That's what I should be asking," she said coldly. "I mean, what the hell, Wes. First you go rogue, then you look like you're leaving the region when I lose your trail…and when I find you again, you're here? Doing something—whatever it is—to piss off someone you don't want to be pissing off, frolicking around with the cops, of all people? What is wrong with you?" She snorted. "And don't think I haven't seen that frilly little side piece of yours following you around."

He bristled. "It wasn't supposed to be this way. I got roped into things I didn't sign up for—but what do you mean, there's a monopoly on my head? Where did you hear that from?"

"You know how it is here. Trainers talk. Somebody's in charge of this town, and it sure isn't that pseudo-mayor, no matter how much he might think it."

"Who, then?"

Renna shrugged. "The only name I was able to get out of anybody was 'Cipher.' People were too freaked out to tell me anything more." She sighed wearily. "Look, I don't know what you're up to here in Pyrite, and I don't know why you haven't just ditched Orre entirely—and that ridiculous girlfriend of yours—but listen to me when I say this, Wes. People are out for your blood—and not just here. Gonzap would love nothing more than to kill you with his bare hands."

"First of all, she's not my girlfriend," Wes said curtly. "Second, I know Gonzap well enough to have figured that out for myself, thanks."

Renna tipped her head back."That stunt you pulled was stupid and reckless as hell, but I will say you missed out on the show afterwards." A bitter grin flashed across her face. "I've never seen him so pissed. Thought he was going to tear down the rest of the building himself in his tantrum. Got some good burns from the explosion, too."

That was satisfying to hear. "Good. He deserved it."

Her eyes glinted with fierce satisfaction. "Hell yes, he did."

They looked at one another. "So…you're not going to turn me in?" Wes asked warily.

"Like I said. I don't think I can, at least not without putting a target on my back. And unlike you, I'm not too keen on the idea." She sighed again, and her face softened a little. "If you know what's good for you, you'll high-tail it out of Orre as soon as you can. There's nothing good waiting for you here."

Wes shook his head. "I can't."

Renna raised an eyebrow."Why? Is it because of that girl?" She smirked. "I know things didn't pan out when we tried to go steady, but—come on, now. Really? Her?"

"It's nothing like that."

She rolled her eyes. "Coulda fooled me, with the way she follows you everywhere and looks at you with those big eyes. She's like a lovesick Poochyena pup."

Lovesick? Wes briefly reflected on the times Rui looked him in the eyes, and distinctly remembered her expressions. Bewildered. Frustrated. Flat out annoyed.

He scoffed. "Please. You're exaggerating."

"Oh, maybe a little. I think my point still stands, though."

He changed the subject to more pressing matters. "What are you going to do, then?"

"I'll stick around, for now. Who knows? Maybe I can strike a deal with this mysterious person who so badly wants to bring you in." This time her smile felt real. "But for now, it looks like my hands are tied. I can't touch you."

"And if things were different?" Wes asked. "Would you really turn me over to Gonzap?"

Renna met his gaze evenly, and for a moment, neither of them spoke.

"I don't know," she said quietly.

Wes didn't know how to respond to that, but he didn't have to; Renna stood up straight, her expression becoming impassive once more. "Well, as fun as this little reunion was, I have other things to do."

"Not going to grill me with questions, are you?" he asked dryly.

She raised an eyebrow. "And what good would that do? Unless you're saying you'll tell me what it is you're doing?"

"Depends. What is Snagem going to do with the information?"

Renna shrugged. "Dunno, that's not my decision. But I can't imagine it spells good news for you or your new friends." She sneered at the last word.

Friends? No, Wes certainly wouldn't call any of them that. But he thought of Rui, of Marci and Secc and the other kids at the house…

He looked her in the eyes. "I can't tell you anything."

She snorted. "I figured as much. I could try to force it out of you, but I'm not an idiot." Her gaze flickered to the Pokéballs on Wes' belt—she'd noticed his three new ones, then. She looked back at him. "Once a Snagger, always a Snagger, huh?"

Wes clenched his teeth and refused to answer.

"Not to worry, I'll get the information I need one way or another." Renna dusted off her jacket and headed for the exit. Wes expected her to leave without another word, but as she reached the door, she glanced back over her shoulder. "And...Wes? I don't know why you're here, but...try not to get yourself killed."

He gave her a wry smile. "I don't plan on it."

She huffed in amusement. "Moron. Give those gremlins of yours some love for me. Cobalt and Viria miss them."

He nodded, and then, in the blink of an eye, she was gone.

 

[IFBench]

I'm back to review chapter 9 of this!

First off, I was fully expecting the Chief to immediately try to arrest Wes, but cutting him a deal to figure out what's up with all the Shadow Pokemon is much more interesting. Doesn't seem all that bad of an arrangement either. Excited to see just how this goes.

I like how pretty much the primary reason Wes agrees to this is because of Neo and Novo. Really goes to show how close he is to them.

"Interesting. I'm sure it could say the exact same thing about you."

Ouch.

Well, seems like everything has gone well with this dea-

"Is this him? The Snagger?"

Oh boy. Looks like mayor Duking is not quite so sure about this whole deal. This doesn't seem like it will end well.

Hiring other people to do all the dirty work for you while treating them as less-than?

And Wes is provoking him. Oh boy. This definitely seems like it will have some consequences down the line.

Oh dear. Seems like Wes has a LOT of trauma relating to respect.

Very interesting how Sherles lies for Wes. I am quite intrigued by this.

And now Rui thinks even more highly of Wes. This is not going to end well.

And Wes is extremely uncomfortable with this, too. Oh boy.

"I - I want to join the investigation!"

In all seriousness, though, this is definitely not going to end well for Wes. Even more lies to keep up, forcing himself to dig himself deeper and deeper...I'm excited.

I liked how this chapter ended, with Wes reflecting on just how badly things have gotten for him.

Overall, a great chapter that gives Wes a long task that he must complete before he is free from Orre. I look forward to more!

 

[Seren]

I hope you don't mind a kind of long post... I saw Orre and had to read, and I'm getting caught up all at once. And I haven't played these games in years, so I've forgotten half of the locations, what's in the original and what's in Gale of Darkness, etc. So I'm excited for this. Since there's 15 chapters at the time of writing, I think I'll just do 5 chapters at a time so there's not just one huge post, cause I don't know when I'll be able to get through the entire thing (although, at the time of writing, I'm up to 8) and also I don't want to clog up your story thread with my rambling.

I didn't have much really to note about either chapters 1 or 3, and only a little for 5 since, when I first started, I intended to make this a much shorter post about the story overall, but the more I read, the more invested I got, and the more I realized I wanted to say, so... forgive me if some of this gets long. Chapters 6 and 7 have a lot more notes to them, but I'll post them later when I get through 8-10.

Spoiler: Chapter 2

1. Wes opting not to battle Willie here is a neat change, and one I think probably works in your favor. The early battles always usually tend to be just filler space, especially considering that this is a battle in-game that's so easy, it's virtually impossible to lose. Wes instead telling him to watch who he challenges is much better; it's a great early snippet of the other side of his personality. He's outwardly very rugged, but he's really a kind way deep down. Love this scene.
2. I love how you show Neo and Novo communicating with Wes by their physical reactions rather than resorting to actual words (or psychic powers), for example; when they're trying to alert Wes to the thugs with the burlap sack. They have so much personality.
3. Ah, I still love Rui so much! One of my earliest fictional character crushes tbh. Orre just doesn't get much attention in general (in fact... I've not seen a single other Orre fic. Ever. Not counting Salvage, which has so far only made references.) Your characterization of everyone so far is great. Wes is clearly a loner, Rui is super bubbly, Neo is peppy and curious, and Novo is reserved but empathetic. Only two chapters in and you really can get a feel for the main characters' big traits.

(For the record, I'm reading this entire thread in order, so I'm seeing comments/reviews as they were posted... so I didn't see, for example, that apparently you did originally have the battle with Willie, and later removed it upon Negrek's review, until after I read the chapter without it there. Or that Negrek promoted some other Orre stories... which I'm absolutely going to also check out when I'm done here. Also, since I'm writing these comments as I read, you'll see my thoughts as they come to me.

Spoiler: Chapter 4

1. Shifting to Rui's point of view here! I do like when stories do that on occasion, so long as it doesn't happen so often that it starts to become hard to follow. Rui needed more though; after her rescue, she was basically just regulated to role of "the plot device reason that Wes can catch shadow pokemon" and nothing more.
2. Hm. Wes noted Rui's blue eyes more than once previously, and now here is Rui commenting on Wes's. I wonder if you're going to develop this into a ship or not, but regardless, it's neat to note how similarly they think despite their outward appearances.
3. Ah, Novo is more protective than I'd realized at first (although, knowing who Wes is, that totally does make sense). It's interesting how he just doesn't trust Rui, yet still seemed like he wanted to rescue her when she was being kidnapped. But aww, Novo watching out for Wes in his sleep and clearing his nightmares... that's adorable!
4. Oh my god, a Neo PoV! There's not enough pokemon PoV scenes in fics. I couldn't even give you another example I've seen that isn't my own off the top of my head. This scene is freaking adorable and I melted at it.
5. Oh, and now a Novo PoV! And yep, he totally is having second thoughts about saving Rui. At least it makes sense now, though, that we know he doesn't like people who make Wes anxious.

Spoiler: Chapter 5

1. Ah, and now we get Wes' confession... half confession, but fair. Rui is so trusting. This makes me wonder now how Wes is going to battle with the shadow pokemon... or maybe he's just going to purify them all first. Hm.

Overall thoughts: I really love this so far. Great writing, personal flair in those little details, and I really feel like you do Rui justice with your characterization (well, all of your characters so far honestly, not just Rui). I don't think it's been mentioned so far (that I can recall) how you came up with names for Novo and Neo. Not that it's likely necessary in-story, but I'm curious.

 

[Seren]

I, uh, hope you don't mind two posts in a row, because frankly, I couldn't sleep and decided to read some more tonight instead.

Spoiler: Chapter 6

1. Huh... after the fuss Wes made in an earlier chapter about allowing strangers to handle his pokemon, I'm a little surprised he lets Rui take them to get healed while he's getting healed, himself. I don't know if that was intended to show him coming to trust her, but it clashes with everything else he's said, done, and thought up to this point, especially the very clear "leave me alone" he'd given her at the end of chapter 5. Sure, he's saved her and all that, but he's been upset by the whole thing the entire time. I mean, I guess you could pass it off as him being worried enough over his team's injuries to allow it, or even just as allowing Rui to make ammends, but it still just felt odd to me without any other real cue to show Wes' warming up to Rui prior to this happening. It's a minor thing, and frankly, the only criticism I have five chapters in so far.
2. Aww, he lets Neo and Novo say goodbye, at least. I'm pretty sure I remember what's happening in this scene in-game, but it's strange for Novo to be on alert as if he'd somehow known the mayor was about to speak. Obviously he's not growling at the announcement-to-be, but it just... isn't mentioned what it was he saw that irritated him here.
3. . Brief typo in here... "...supposedly?Rui still wasn't exactly sure..." There's no space where there should be after the ?
4. I do love that it's the spoink that talks back to Novo, despite obvious type disadvantage.
5. This is a great, chaotic battle. I love that two of the pokemon just weren't caught immediately, although if my count is right, Wes is now down to two pokeballs and four great balls. Not that keeping count is a huuuuge issue, but I imagine you specifically mentioned earlier how many he was buying intentionally.

Spoiler: Chapter 7

1. So things start to split from the games plotline from here, eh? Let's see where we're taken.
2. Another missed space here: "...more like an ambush than a real battle,Wes growled..." after the comma.
3. I'm loving the dynamic between Wes and Rui. Wes having Rui act like a parent after just thinking about them is telling.
4. "He was surprised to learn he actually meant it" - I don't know why, but learn feels like the wrong word choice here to me. I know it's not incorrect, but like... he's not being taught it, he just... realizes what he's feeling as he says it. Iunno. Maybe I'm just tired.
5. Something I've noticed up to this point that has nothing to do with anything in particular: Your writing tends to have very heavy dialogue rather than large chunks of narrative. Kind of refreshing to see, since I know my own writing tends to do that, and I worry if it's actually hurting how it reads. But so far, it hasn't hurt your story at all, so that's some personal reassurance to myself, as well.
6. Oooh backstory (dream?) for Wes! He clearly has reservations about what he's doing, and it looks like that never really went away, even though he does seem to internalize that in the present time. Oooh, looks like a skarmory killing someone there... yeah, valid trauma there. I wonder who that man was. Probably the friend he mentioned previously, I would guess, but... who was he?
7. Interesting to note here as Wes wakes up that Novo doesn't even growl at Rui being close by this time, he's more concerned with Wes' condition than his dislike/distrust of Rui.

-Negrek points out how there was never a reason given for why Rui wanted pokeballs to begin with... and I don't recall the answer to that. Did one ever get mentioned? I can guess (based on her saying later on that she wanted to save the shadow pokemon) that her intent was to try to capture them... but how would she come to that conclusion, when at the time, she had no idea about Wes' snag machine? There's no real way she'd come to the conclusion of "I'll just catch the already-captured pokemon away from their current owners" since that's... literally impossible in any other setting. Maybe this is answered in a future chapter I haven't seen yet.

-Something else Negrek mentioned that I forgot about was how the other trainers aren't just rolling over when their shadow pokemon gets "caught" from them. That's going to be an interesting thing to keep an eye on. Making it work to this point was easy, when all he's stealing from are other criminals... they can't exactly go about reporting that their 'mon was just stolen, can they? But how will the average citizen react later on, I wonder?

Spoiler: Chapter 8

1. Still loving the Wes/Rui dynamic. It's very clearly not a case of "these two absolutely hate each other and still stick together" which rarely makes sense, and is more of a "they kind of annoy each other but have to deal with it and also enjoy each other's company" sort of thing. (Also, I can see now that Rui falling into/out of the bike's car is going to be a recurring gag, haha.)
2. Yeah, I already hate Cail. What a sleaze. "I was only joking" my ass. Kinda wish Wes actually had battled him here. People like this guy are an embarrassment.
3. "Rui's eyes lit up." I don't know if this is the description I'd use here... it sort of implies, like... joy or something, and I can't imagine Rui to be happy at being back in the location she was kidnapped. Admittedly, though, I can't think of anything better to use in its place.
4. I guess this is more of a personal issue than anything, but I wonder why you keep capitalizing random words like "Snag" and such. Team Snagem, sure, but... just randomly in the middle of a sentence looks weird to me. It's not like "pokemon" where it's a made-up word or brand name or anything, so... Same argument as the "pokemon species isn't capitalized" argument though, I suppose, so maybe you just fall on the other side of the fence than I do on this one.
5. I wonder what happened to Rui's pokemon, and if we'll end up seeing it in the future or not. (Either way, this is a good detail that I don't recall being in the games - why Rui never had a pokemon of her own in a world where you practically needed one to survive.)
6. Uh oh, Wes has been identified! I mean, the metallic thing on his arm kinda gives that away to anyone who's seen Team Snagem in action, but this guy knows his name specifically. I mean, I guess if Wes was on missions and was good at them, it's not unreasonable that that's why the police chief recognized him... but now I want to know.

-Oh, you're going to be doing shadow pokemon PoV too, huh? That's interesting! Considering how they're being portrayed as blindly angry killing machines, I wonder just how you're going to do that.

-Ah, now that I read this review reply, I do recall something about an errand for her grandfather to get pokeballs. Still interesting in that either Rui or her grandfather actually expected to find any in Orre to begin with, though...

Spoiler: Chapter 9

1. Something kept bugging me about "Snagger Leo" so I actually went and looked up a Let's Play to find out why... and while Leo wasn't on the list of names you could choose from at the beginning of the game, I did discover that Leo was his Manga counterpart's name as well as his name in the Japanese game, so that's a cool little reference that I didn't get at first.
2. Oh no he's lying to Rui again ohno ohno ohno .....This is going to be such a disaster when she finally learns the full truth. Yeah, that's going to hurt. I mean I know Wes has no choice this time but ugh, this poor girl... Aw, and then she's still so concerned about taking up room in Duking's house. Rui is too pure for this world and I love her.

-Aw, now I don't feel as special for catching the Japanese Easter egg, kintsugi did it before me, haha.

Spoiler: Chapter 10

1. "They wear cool shirts and shorts..." LOL I don't know if the shorts reference here was intentional, but it's a pokemon meme I will never not laugh at.
2. That aside, I totally relate to Wes when it comes to dealing with children.
3. Rui continues to be adorable. To be fair though, I, too, would be excited if I got to stay in a secret cave room in someone's house.
4. Well, there's the in-story explanation for Neo and Novo's names... Wes doesn't remember. xD Still curious about that, though!
5. More lovely Wes/Rui bonding, at the expence of poor Maku. Love it. On the other hand... Wes is the one to feel bad for him and give him another treat. Aww. Unexpected, but the scene is better for it.
6. Oh, a Quilly PoV! Yep, she's distressed all right. This is certainly something and I can't imagine it possibly going south. Yep, there's the reactionary fire. Oh... looks like we're getting a PoV for each of the Johto starters, are we? Very interesting to see all of their different reactions. I didn't expect the bayleef to be the biggest threat out of those three.

Alright, well, that was a fun two hours! I'll probably wait to go through 11-15 for a bit so I'm not clogging up the thread.

 

[Seren]

Well, I really don't like posting multiple times in a row, but I'm caught up now and it's been a week, so here's the rest of my chapter-by-chapter thoughts:

Oh, firstly: I didn't read all the other reviews in-between chapters this time like I did with the first ten, so... please forgive me if I point out something that someone else has already mentioned.

Spoiler: Chapter 11

1. Duking in a flowery apron is an amazing mental image. (Calling it now; Neo stole the bacon.)
2. Aw, Rui in plain clothes! I kinda want to draw this. That said, I wonder why it would take Wes a moment to realize why she looks different... between her hair and her clothes, I wouldn't figure it would be difficult to tell. Maybe throw in an "only" in there, so it sounds like it doesn't take a lot of time... because the way it reads now ("it took him a moment to realize why") makes it sound like he had to stop and think about why.
3. Yep, there's the bacon. Although, I can't say I was expecting to see it again, heh.
4. I'm with Wes on the introducing the pokemon thing... it's cute, sure, but this could go wrong any second. I'd be kinda nervous with my own pokemon right there in the middle of it. (I mean, I guess they're all Wes' now, but y'know.)
5. Snarky Rui is best Rui. Also still too pure for this world. Thief kid gets money and still makes her listen to such awful, horrible words. Her poor, innocent ears!
6. Oh, I think I see where this is going. Wes is basically going undercover to snag pokemon and using police authority to do so so as to avoid clueless trainers from freaking out over it. I do wonder, though... that's going to make it complicated later in the future, assuming Wes' identity starts to get spread among the less reputable sources. His cover will be blown pretty fast if word spreads. I wonder what their plan is to prevent that?
7. Oh, wait... nope, that guess was wrong. Is our traveling couple about to become a trio?
8. Interesting that Wes didn't send Neo against two poison-types, especially considering he didn't want to battle in the first place. That would have been a quick and easy win. I guess it worked out, having the tank in the fight while Wes tried to find a move Kohna could actually use.
9. Oooooh, I love the Dark Swift! I could see that sort of attack combo actually working.
10. And you even seem to have included the uh... what was it called? Hyper Mode? Overall, I think this was a pretty good battle. Well, less of a battle and more of a "learning how to deal with shadow pokemon" but it gets the point across. They're hard to work with.

Spoiler: Chapter 12

1. Hm... alright, so I have questions here. Mainly... Why did Alden give Wes his coat? If he's trying to keep his involvement a secret from Gonzap and Wakin, having Wes walking around in that giant blue coat is a dead giveaway. I mean, obviously canon Wes is shown with that coat, but unless I'm missing something... this explanation didn't really convince me that no one would suspect Alden interacting with Wes.
2. Rui seems to make friends easily with almost anyone. Silva, Lyvia... even Wes, to a degree. Not a surprise, and not a complaint, just a casual observation.
3. You know, in a weird way, I really relate to your overall portrayal of Wes quite a bit. Getting gifts is awkward.
4. Ah, now we're getting some answers about why Rui's family needed pokeballs.
5. Aw, yeah, it looks like they're gonna be a ship. Wes is really easy to tease, though.
6. Hm. So it looks like Wes has actually kinda abandoned the bayleef, which makes me sad. That's personally my favorite starter family. But anyway, I guess Duking gets to help with him while Wes deals with Nani instead.

Tbh this next one is probably my favorite chapter so far.

Spoiler: Chapter 13

1. I adore this scene with Neo evolving. He is fabulous!
2. Aw, I also love how Neo considers Novo and Wes his family (I mean, Novo literally is, but still). My MC's starter calls them all family too, when we get a POV from her, so it's neat to see someone else factoring in that perspective.
3. These perspectives also supply some small, happy character building for Wes.
4. 'Sage, or something equally stupid' - Novo's distain for people is amazing.
5. It's always interesting to see the contrast between Neo's and Novo's inner thoughts. Neo evolved playing; Novo from defending Wes.

Spoiler: Chapter 14

1. Okay, yeah, it looks like you're going with a different route here than just having Wes snag everything, and you did say you were deviating from the game's plot... but, I dunno, I feel like this is a really inconvenient, roundabout way of making the plot do what Wes already had the ability to do anyway. The only real difference is that he isn't doing it out in the open, but it sort of diminishes the impact of stealing the last snag machine. At that point, why bother with the trainer ID anyway? Are they going to start bringing Lon around the region when they eventually leave Pyrite?
2. Oh god, Sherles NO! Rui can never, ever know the truth, you foolish old man. You are not allowed to hurt her and you are not allowed to force Wes to hurt her either.
3. It seems like you missed several breaks in between POV changes here; first when we jump to Maku's perspective after Wes' scene in the office. And another when we jump to Neo's POV. Then when we shift from Neo to Rui. Then one when we change from the Flaafy to Duking's office.
4. Something that literally struck me as we shift into Rui's scene here... I was just going to ask if she even bothered to let her family know why she's taken so long just to bring pokeballs back to them? Took long enough, but it looks like she finally has. It's not clear how many of these calls she's made up to this point, if any, but at least it's assured her family knows she's safe.
5. Nyra is an adorable name and I'm kind of surprised to see someone besides myself using it.
6. I wonder if Rui is eventually going to get to hold onto one of Wes' shadows to take care of. If the bayleef found a different source of recovery, why can't Rui eventually step up? I suspect that by the end of the story, she'll have found another friend.

Spoiler: Chapter 15

1. Huh, so that's two friends for Wes back in Snagem! I wonder what became of Alden and Renna? I mean, I assume the vision in one of the earlier chapters was Alden, but... I'm interested to get to that part that explains how we got to that point.
2. Huh. Well, there's Renna already. Wonder what happened between them! It certainly looks like they aren't on good terms here.

Alright, finally caught up. I am thoroughly enjoying this so far! A little hard to believe that you've never written anything before this.

 

[Bluwiikoon]

Hi I'm catnip! Hope you don't mind me just liveblogging as I read, hehe!

Spoiler: Chapter 1

Some would say that "barren" and "Orre" were the same thing.

This is a great opener! :D

One thing that disrupted the flat expanse: a series of cliffs, tucked away from the sands, which formed a narrow canyon. At this canyon's mouth sat a large building—or, at least, something that barely qualified as one. The structure, though massive, almost looked more like a pile of poorly assembled pipes and scrap metal than an actual building. Like its surroundings, this, too, was a quiet and still place, with only the howling canyon winds to break the silence.

Very apt description! The snagem hideout really is a mess of metal and junk, hehe!

He looked over his shoulder and found his Espeon a few yards away, yipping loudly at the people fleeing the burning building, tail waving triumphantly in the air. He didn't speak Pokémon, but the runaway figured if he did, he would be hearing a choice selection of colorful insults.

“Neo, you idiot-”

(imagine a mewlulz emoji here) Fantastic way to introduce this boy!! I'm so happy to see already that you're giving each Pokemon very distinct personalities. I'm loving them already! (Umbreon buddy looking tersely too)

The Espeon’s barks cut short in a yap of surprise as his trainer hauled him off his feet and shoved him under one arm. He sprinted back to the motorcycle and dumped the creature rather unceremoniously into the sidecar next to his brother, ignoring the Pokémon’s cries of indignation.

You dump Neo in the sidecar? You dump Neo like a sack of potatoes?? Oh! Oh! Jail for Wes! Jail for One Thousand Years!!

I really enjoy the Skarmory chase, it adds a lot of movement to the scene. :D

“All right, who’s hungry?” He pushed his mirrored goggles off his face and into his sandy hair, revealing a pair of golden-colored eyes, and grinned at the two Eeveelutions. His Umbreon gave a yip of hearty affirmation. His Espeon, on the other hand, squinted at him, then sniffed airily and turned his head away from his trainer.

Jail for Wes!!! Jail for One Thousand Years!!!!!

The Pokémon, Neo, irritably flicked his tail in response.

Great body language here!

Another sigh. “Look, I’m sorry. But there’s a time and a place for gloating over a victory, and doing so while escaping from an exploding building is not it.”

Great life advice!

“I know, I shouldn’t have been so rough. I’m sorry, bud, really. How can I make it up to you?” Wes glanced at the Outskirt Stand, then back at his Pokémon with a sly grin. “How about I get you a whole plate of bacon and we call it even. Truce?”

Neo’s eyes grew wide and he leaped to his feet. “Es-PI!” He waved his tail excitedly in the air, all injuries to his pride forgotten.

“Bri!” There was a reproachful bark from the Umbreon.

Wes rolled his eyes, but was still grinning despite himself. “Fine, fine, bacon for everybody. Don’t get used to it though, you hear? This is a one-time deal.”

He wasn’t sure if they heard the last line, as they were already bounding excitedly to the entrance of the train car. Wes snorted in exasperated amusement, then followed his companions into the warmth of the diner.

BACON FOR THE GOOD BOYS!!!!!!!!!! HELL YES HELL YES HELL YES

Another shift, another dark room littered with Pokémon lying ominously still, limbs splayed out in awkward angles—and there was another voice, a kinder voice, accompanied by a sad, tired smile.

D: This whole dream sequence is so upsetting! You did a great job of making me intrigued about Wes' backstory, and making me feel very sorry for him.

Beside him, Neo stirred and stretched out his legs before relaxing back into sleep with a gentle purr.

:3 Good!!!!

Novo, unconvinced, bunted into his arm again with his head. He placed a paw on his trainer’s lap, giving him a stern stare.

“I know it’ll help, bud, but I’ve got to be able to sleep on my own sometime.” Wes closed his eyes briefly. He was exhausted, and yet returning to sleep would undoubtedly mean more nightmares, more voices, more things he’d rather forget...he opened his eyes again and looked at his Umbreon. “All right...just one more night,” he said wearily.

Novo purred in response and brushed his face against Wes’ shoulder. Wes laid back down in his sleeping bag and closed his eyes as his Umbreon touched his nose to his forehead and purred gently, using Hypnosis.

Novo seems stern, but cares so much!!! <3 I love their friendship

Just before drifting off to a dreamless sleep, he had one last coherent thought.

The sooner we leave this region, the better.

PWEASE LET THEM LEAVE... THEY DESERVE SO MANY MORE NICE THINGS 😭

Very good introductory chapter!!! :D I love how you've enhanced the beginning with lots of rich character interactions and more depth for the boys. It sets up backstory and history between them. Good eevees are good!!!

Spoiler: Chapter 2

Wes was awakened the following morning by the sound of footsteps and chatter from the diner overhead. He sat up, stretched, and was slowly gathering his bearings when a familiar smell wafted to his nose...

Bacon.

He groaned. “Aw, hell—”

“ESPI!”

He was pushed flat on his back as his Espeon leaped at him, eyes wide, tail wagging in excitement. “Espi! Epsi, espi, espi, espi, espi!”

Give the good boy bacon!!!! :yoomtah:

“No, Neo.” Wes shoved the Pokémon off of him with a grumble. “I gave you and Novo plenty of bacon last night. One-time deal, remember?”

At the sound of his name and “bacon” being used in the same sentence, the Umbreon lifted his head and yawned. “Umbri?” He pricked his ears forward and gave his trainer a hopeful look.

“I said no, guys.” He donned a teal trench coat that fell past his knees and began to pack up his belongings, pausing only to give them a stern look. “Last night was a special treat, but today we have to get on the road as quickly as possible, which means nothing fancy for breakfast. And that’s final.”

Naturally, not ten minutes later, he found himself sitting across from his Pokémon in the diner, watching them each chow down a fresh plate of bacon.

YES!!!!!!!! GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT

Despite all his griping, he did relish the opportunity to spoil his partners. Bacon—or any decent food, for that matter—was hard to come by, and therefore was practically a delicacy. Under normal circumstances, he would have had to resort to swiping table scraps for all three of them, but thanks to the cash he’d snatched from the hideout, he could afford to dote on his Pokémon just a little. After yesterday, he figured they deserved it anyway.

Implications that they've been struggling to eat well 🥺 I bet he puts the eevees before himself, too!

The diner was just as shabby on the inside as it was outside. Still, there was a homey feel about the place, peeling wallpaper and rusty metal windows notwithstanding. The smells of various breakfast foods drifted through the air while the signature Western music played quietly in the background. On the wall across from where they sat was a flatscreen TV, arguably the most modern thing about the place. It was showing some old, obscure cartoon that nobody seemed to be watching.

Cosy atmosphere!!! Super lovely

Through the grimy window next to their booth, Wes could see two men laughing and talking amongst themselves, seemingly rejuvenated after a hearty meal. They continued laughing as they entered their vehicle—an old hover truck of some sort. Neo paused from his feast to watch them intently, his ears pricked forward, eyes trained on a large burlap sack that rested in the truck bed. His gaze remained steadfastly fixed on them, and he only returned his attention to his plate after they drove away and out of sight.

:espyalert: Oh no

“Here’s the plan,” he muttered quietly to his Pokémon. They both looked up at him from empty plates, licking the last remnants of bacon grease from their muzzles. “We’ll head to Phenac to stock up on supplies, and head straight to Gateon from there. It’ll take us a handful of days, but if we only stop for occasional breaks, we should make it in good time. And then, if all goes well, I can get a passport there and we’ll be out of Orre. For good.”

Those last two words felt like a breath of fresh air to him. They were so close now, he could almost taste it. Soon, very soon, they would be rid of this disease-ridden, Arceus-forsaken desert, and they would be free.

Nothing could go wrong!!! These poor boys.

Neo chirped softly in agreement while his brother nodded, looking resolute. Wes couldn’t help but smile softly and give them each a rub behind the ear. He’d never been much for people, but his partners more than made up for that. As far as he was concerned, there was no need for human company when his Pokémon were far and away better than any humans he’d bothered with.

THEY ARE GOOD AND THEY ARE FRIENDS!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAA

“Hah!”

Wes gave a start as the gruff man from the back barked out a laugh. “Serves ‘em right, the rotten thieves! Shoulda blown the whole lot of ‘em away!” He rose to his feet and stretched.

“Aye, I’ll level with ya there.” The owner nodded approvingly as he spoke, and the woman up front gave a disdainful sniff.

“I don’t understand how authorities haven’t at least made some progress,” she said. “Whoever bombed that shack has done more than they have in thirty years!”

I love this conversation, they all sound and feel like real people. :D

Willie withdrew his hand, though he didn’t seem to take any offense from Wes’ rudeness. “Mighty fine name. You come to these parts often?”

What did this man want from him? “On occasion,” Wes said curtly.

His terse responses must have given Willie a clue, as he stepped back and tipped his hat to him. “Well, pardon me for interruptin’ your meal. Was a pleasure meetin’ you.” He then walked up to the front counter to pay for his meal, then exited the diner.

Willie's mannerisms are so apt :D He's so friendly! He just wants a good ol' spar!

Willie eyed the metal contraption on his arm, but if the stranger thought anything of it, he said nothing. After all, eccentric fashion choices weren’t unusual in Orre. The man did, however, squint his eyes a little as he observed the tattoo on Wes’ face; a thin white line that went across the bridge of his nose from one cheekbone to the other. Wes was not unused to strange looks at his face, and while stares in general made him uneasy, he’d learned to shrug it off. Still, he sighed a little at the man’s scrutinizing look. Speaking of bad decisions...but no, it was better this way. Tattoo or no, he would have been stared at anyway; his choices had been either a nasty scar or this tattoo to cover it up, and he’d chosen the latter.

D: A nasty scar? Oh, honey... (I also like that you included the bit about unusual fashion choices, it's very true! Hehe)

Wes looked back at the man and shook his head. “No. We have somewhere to be—”

“Aw, don’t be like that! We can make it quick.” Willie gestured to his Pokémon. “They could really use the training, see.”

“I said no,” Wes said a little more forcefully. “We don’t have time for a battle. Sorry.”

Willie looked disappointed, but he merely shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, can’t be helped, I s’pose. You in a hurry, then?”

Willie is a cinnamon bean wtf. He keeps being so nice and amicable even though Wes just keeps shrugging him off!

“Yes.” Wes hopped on his vehicle and turned to face the man as his Pokémon followed behind. He noticed Neo glancing back at the Zigzagoon over his shoulder and walking with a particular swagger, as if attempting to flaunt his superiority to his would-be foes.

Show-off.

Neo is amazing

Wes nodded his thanks. He was about to start his motorcycle when a thought occurred to him, and he turned back to the other trainer. “Hey.”

“Yeah?” Willie grinned at him again. Such open friendliness from a total stranger. He was far too naive for this place.

“You should be more careful about who you challenge to battle. Your Pokémon are easy targets, and there are still plenty of Snaggers out there.” He pulled his goggles over his eyes and gripped the handlebars tightly with gloved hands. “Don’t pick fights you have no chance of winning.” With that, the motorcycle roared to life and he drove off, leaving a bemused trainer in his wake.

Wes at least tried to be nice in return, in his own way. Success!

Phenac city was often referred to as “the jewel of the desert”, and it was easy to see why. Laid out in a circular pattern, with the tallest buildings at the northernmost top of the circle, the city gleamed with white stone and crystalline waterfalls flowing along the streets. The desert sun reflected off the sparkling water and white structures, making it blindingly bright to look at.

My mind's eye is squinting whilst picturing all this Very very bright!

The desert winds billowed the tails of his blue trench coat behind him as he, Neo, and Novo approached the entrance. Neo swatted playfully at the swaying fabric before bounding ahead to be at the front of the group, where he usually preferred to be.

:D Gud playful kitty

“Both of you now?” Exasperated, Wes turned one last look at the suspicious men. They had set down the sack and now appeared to be quietly arguing with one another—but they weren’t the ones who held his attention this time.

The burlap sack was moving.

“Oh, for Arceus’ sake.” He ran a hand through his sandy hair and looked down at Neo and Novo. “What, they have a Pokémon or something?” Neo’s tail lashed, and Novo flattened his ears against his head. He frowned at them. “Not a Pokémon? Then what...?”

Oh.

I really enjoy this whole section of the chapter tbh, with Neo and Novo having such good body language and Wes just not wanting to get involved at first :D They are so good!

He looked at the sack again. Whatever—no, whoever—was in the sack was struggling fiercely, which prompted a bark and a kick from one of the men.

D: Pwease no hurty!!!!

Merciful Arceus, he thought. Kidnappers? In broad daylight? In Phenac City, no less? Even for Orre’s standards, it was rather bold.

I like this wording a lot!

“Move.”

“Esp.”

The two glared each other down for a moment, Novo glancing between them. Wes had all but made up his mind to return Neo to his Pokéball when his brother stepped forward, cautiously moving between them, and looked intently into Wes’ eyes.

“Oh, for the love of—” Wes turned on his heel and made his way towards the old hover truck, swearing under his breath. “Fine.” His every instinct screamed at him to walk away and to never think about those men again, and as much as he wanted to listen, he couldn’t bring himself to say no to the pleading stares of his Pokémon. “This is the only time, got it? Don’t make me pretend to be some hero.”

Neo and Novo chirped and strode eagerly at his heels.

:D Success!!! How could you say no to such good and nice boys?

Trudly snarled and took a step forward, but his partner reached out an arm and stopped him. “Ain’t nothin to see here, stranger. We’re just delivery men doin’ our route. Now get gone.” He glared at Wes through a pair of orange goggles that matched the absurd color of his hair.

“Funny, I don’t recall people being a common delivery item,” Wes remarked. Both of the men paled. “Would your ‘route’ happen to include some sort of human trafficking ring?”

The sack wriggled again, and this time muffled shouts could be heard coming from inside. The second man swore vehemently and gave the bag another kick, producing a yelp from their captive. “Damn it all,” he spat at Wes, “You just had to stick your nose where it don’t belong! We’ll make you sorry, boy!”

Great dialogue!! :D But also D: D: D: OUCH (also hehe absurd hair colour)

“Neo, Novo, charge up!” Wes barely had time to give the command before the opposing Pokémon launched their assault. The brothers responded immediately to the veiled phrase, having executed it hundreds of times before.

Neo’s forehead jewel gleamed, and a silvery Protect shield formed around him, blocking the Whismurs’ attacks completely. Novo, however, braced himself and took the hit - he tumbled backwards, then scrambled back to his feet and howled. Neo’s fur bristled and his eyes gleamed as he gained strength from his brother’s Helping Hand.

(REALLY BIG ESPYALERT EMOJI)

“What in Arceus’ name is going on here?” A female voice drew everyone’s attention. A middle-aged woman stood a cautious distance away, watching the scene with frightened eyes. A young man in jogging gear walked up beside her, frowning.

“I’d like to know that myself!” he said.

Wes stood, staring Trudly and Folly in the eyes as he responded to the people behind him. “These guys are kidnappers,” he said simply. “And thought they could get away with it.”

“What?” The woman cried. “Do you mean—are you sure—oh!” She gasped in horror at the sight of the still wriggling sack.

Witnesses! I too would be horrified in this circumstance

A girl burst out of the sack, gasping great gulps of air. Most of her red hair was pulled up into two pigtails, and the rest of it was drenched in sweat and plastered to her face. In fact, she was almost entirely drenched in sweat—not surprising, as Wes couldn’t imagine how hot it must have been inside the stifling burlap.

“Oh, you poor dear!” The woman reached out and pulled the girl’s blue and pink jacket from her shoulders in an attempt to cool her off. “Those monsters, how could they do this to you?”

Very good description of how you'd look after being in a sack for god knows how long D: And good portrayal of how people would react!

The girl looked around, taking in her surroundings. She seemed incredibly disoriented. “Wh-where—?” She broke off in a coughing fit. The Phenac woman placed an arm around her shoulders and tutted with concern.

“You poor, poor thing—do either of you have water?” She asked Wes and the boy beside him.

Wes shook his head, but the athlete promptly answered, “I do!” He procured a water bottle from his pack, crouched beside them, and handed it over. The girl, still gasping for air, gave him a weak smile and took it from him. She opened it with shaky hands and raised it to her lips.

“You need to take small sips.” Wes surprised himself by speaking. What did he care? Why had he bothered to stick around this long? Why hadn’t he left already? “You’re probably really dehydrated, so don’t drink it all at once or you’ll make yourself sick.”

Don't try to pretend you don't care, Wes :3 I feel so empathetic while reading this, I'm like D: that she's suffered so much and that these kind strangers are helping her.

The girl gave him a shaky nod and did as he advised, sipping carefully from the bottle. Her hands were trembling so badly that the woman beside her reached out and helped keep them steady. “To answer your question, you’re in Phenac City, dear,” she said kindly. “Would you mind telling us who you are? Perhaps there’s someone we can call for you?”

The girl lowered the water bottle and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “My name is Rui,” she said, her voice now steadying. “Rui Everlin.” She looked between the woman and the boy beside her and smiled at them—a surprisingly genuine one, Wes thought, considering what she had just been through and how badly shaken she was. “Thank you so much for saving me...I don’t know how to repay you!”

Genuine care and kindness!!! I love to see it!

They all looked at him hopefully. Even Neo was looking up at his trainer with pleading eyes. Traitor, thought Wes sourly. Do you want to get to Gateon or not?

A low, harsh, eerily familiar voice rang inside Wes’ head. Sticking your neck out for people is what gets you killed, it snarled. Don’t be a fool, boy.

D: D: D:

But then he noticed Novo, practical though he was, shift uncomfortably and look up at him. Never once had his Pokémon led him astray. For all the survival instincts Wes’ upbringing had drilled into him, he would always trust his Pokémon, his family, more than anything else.

Wes was done in. He pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a long-suffering sigh. “Fine.”

Neo chirrupped happily and Marla beamed at him approvingly. “You’re such a kind gentleman!”

I’m definitely not.

:D :D :D Too late! You're a hero now, Wes! (Awww, they really are his family.)

He and Marla said their goodbyes. Dash left his water bottle with Rui, claiming she needed it more than he did and that he had plenty more where it came from. Rui thanked him and Marla generously for their help, and the two set off in the direction of Town Hall.

Rui turned to Wes with a bright smile. “I’ll let you lead the way, then!”

Her bubbly demeanor absolutely baffled him. What kind of person could smile so easily after being kidnapped, for crying out loud? Wes shook his head slightly and sighed again—he’d been doing that an awful lot today, it seemed. “It’s this way. Let’s go.” He didn’t even wait for her to respond before setting off in the direction of the mayor’s house, Neo and Novo trotting faithfully in tow.

It was already looking to be a long day.

Happy friend fun adventure time!!!! Everyone is so nice to Rui and she's just so happy that people are treating her kindly!!! AAAAAAA

The Very Long, Very Good and Fun Day

I enjoyed this chapter a lot! All the parts with Wes battling against his own logic and morality (with some help from two adorable kitty buddies!) were very delicious :D He's trying so hard to not be a good boy, to just get on his way and get out of there, but it's no use! I get the feeling he's gonna be swept up in a lot of heroics, against his better judgement. Wrong protagonist, right place kind of thing?

I enjoyed reading these a lot!!! I hope I can keep reading and send more reviews your way too, when I have the time and brain energy ^^ Great stuff!