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NebulaDreams

Ace Trainer
Partners
  1. luxray
  2. hypno
Review of Chapters 1-2:

Hello, fellow Catnipper! It's interesting to see an Orre fic here! I haven't read too many of those myself, but I have memories playing the Colosseum games, so I have some knowledge of it as well as what to expect from the general tone. From what I have read, though, my experiences with Orre fics have been good, and this did not disappoint in the slightest.

I don't know how much of this is a direct adaptation of the games, but even without that foreknowledge, I got a good idea of the setting as well as the general aesthetic of the place. There's sand everywhere (coarse, rough and irritating). There are train carriages converted into diners. Cities made out of white stone. It fits the dystopian feel to a T, and I could sense the heat as well as the dilapidated nature of these locations.

Getting into the meat of the fic, the characters were what held it together for me. Wes is engaging as a protagonist here, not only because of his baggage with Snagem and the consequences of him departing from that, but also because of his relationship with his Espeon and Umbreon team, Neo and Novo. Especially because of this trio's relationship.

Each time Neo and Novo were involved in any scene, they stole the show. I love these two. I love that they love bacon. What's not to love about bacon or a bunch of good floofy Eeveelutions? Putting that aside. it's great that the Pokemon characters here do have defined personalities, which is something I really emphasise when it comes to Pokemon fics. I love how they act as Wes’ moral compass, and that Wes has to reason with them and consider his options because of them. It makes for an interesting dilemma as well as a further display of agency from these two Pokemon. Now who are the real owners in this situation? It was especially interesting that Novo used his hypnosis on Wes to get him to drift off to sleep, and it was used in a creative way with how it’s almost treated as a crutch by Wes, who has to deal with (what I presume to be) PTSD inflicted dreams.

I don’t have any major complaints so far as I’m enjoying this quite a bit. I have one minor quibble with it, but it’s mostly preferential and it doesn’t affect my overall opinion, so feel free to take it with a grain of salt. I like the tone of this fic, as there's a good balance between Orre’s dystopian setting and the hopeful Pokemon world you’d expect from the mainline games. However, I find Wes’ survivalist mindset a little odd, since there hasn’t been much threat present in the fic yet and the tone has still been rather pleasant. We have a good idea about Snagem’s goals, so it works as an antagonistic force, but considering the two grunts in Phenac were ineffectual at best and people were quick to come to Rui’s aid, it clashes a little with his dog eat dog mindset. Well, not so much with his mindset since I'm sure there's a good justification for it so far with his checkered past, just the way the perils are presented at this point in the story.

But anyway, thanks for sharing! As usual, I don’t know when I’ll get to read more, but you’ve definitely got me hooked so far!
 

kyeugh

you gotta feel your lines
Staff
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. farfetchd-galar
  2. gfetchd-kyeugh
  3. onion-san
  4. farfetchd
  5. farfetchd
6. lockdown

hi yellow! here for your catnip review. 😁 i was glad to roll this story, i've been meaning to get back around to it... sorry i've only done a single chapter here, i'd do two but i only did one last time and want to keep it even, and i don't have three in me. 😅

i think the major takeaway from this chapter is that makuhita's weird condition isn't unique, and in fact there are a bunch of pokémon similarly afflicted—probably a bunch! seems like these two recurring thugs + poké ball hair guy must be a part of some larger organization... it probably isn't snagem, but i do wonder if they'll interact with snagem in some way, or if that team just exists to provide context for wes's pointy-shooty-steal-your-pokés machine.

i really liked rui's pov here! wes is a dear and his relationships with his pokémon are precious, but i think i enjoy rui's pov a bit more—she just has such an earnest way of looking at the world, and i think seeing a broody guy like wes through eyes other than his own is a lot of fun, too. i also felt like her ability to feel the auras added a lot to the combat, and her fear really made the stakes feel high.

i think i would have liked to see a little more interaction between wes and rui. i guess being standoffish is sort of his schtick for this chapter, but rui felt like a passive observer for most of the chapter. other than that, good stuff. short, sweet, and some pretty good action. hope to stop by again soon!

Chapter 6: Lockdown
but fanfic is supposed to be an escape from the real world...

This is definitely not how I thought today would go.

Rui said these words to herself as she sat beside a grumbling Wes in the Phenac clinic.
rui pov! rui pov! 😁

Rui looked around the room. She couldn’t help but notice there was a tense atmosphere in the clinic. Nurses and doctors were muttering to each other in worried, hushed tones, and clients were whispering to one another. News about the break in at the Mayor’s estate must have been reported and was spreading around the city.
i think you can cut the second sentence here—the details you give after it really speak for themselves!

Novo cast her a sideways glance, chuffed, then turned his head away to look out over the city. Rui smiled wryly; she’d been expecting as much from him.

Neo’s eyes widened in dismay as he looked from his Trainer to Rui. “Esp? Spiiiii?”

“It’s time for us to go, bud, and she needs to get home. Say goodbye, okay?”

Neo’s ears drooped in disappointment. Rui crouched down, and he wandered over to place his head on her knee with a loud sigh.
omg, they're precious. i know i've said it already but i love how much personality they have.

And everything around them exploded.
nice. i think lines like this are pretty hit or miss but this one's a hit imo.

A Quilava twitched and clawed at the ground erratically as though trying to get at an itch it could not scratch; a Bayleef breathed heavily with raging hatred in its eyes; a Croconaw snapped its jaws and looked horrifyingly eager to tear something in two.
love these little descriptions. so the johto starters, huh... i'm guessing he gets to pick one to keep?

These men were certainly no officers.
when the cop is sus

He finally landed a solid Confusion on the Grimer, launching it several feet
hmmm, how does Confusion send someone flying? little extra detail here would probably help me imagine this more clearly.

“Wes, stop him!” She shrieked.
think that S should be lowercase.

With a fluid motion, the Trainer lunged forward and hurled the ball at the Bayleef, and the Pokémon vanished in a beam of light.

She heard one of the men scream in fury.
1615772235153.png

No sooner did he tuck it away than he hurled another one, this time at the Quilava.
hoho. guess he doesn't have to choose at all. this is such a good way of ending a pokémon battle quickly tbh.
... actually i'm kind of shitposting there but now that i think of it, why didn't he just do this immediately?

A black and yellow blur shot from the side and rammed the fire Pokémon
holy shit rui got saved by barry benson
1615772356015.png

It’s aura pulsed brighter, stronger, bigger...
don't need the apostrophe in "its" here.

Wrong. Wrong. Whatever had been done to this poor creature, it was wrong.
i like how rui can sort of just intuit this stuff. fits well with her emotional, empathetic personality so far.

It was a good enough answer, for now. Rui climbed into the sidecar once again, still only just managing not to trip, and once she was settled in, they were off across the sands once more.
the desert almost feels like an ocean here—orre is sort of like an archipelago of scattered cities with nothing but seas of sand between them. it's neat!
 

kintsugi

golden scars | pfp by sun
Location
the warmth of summer in the songs you write
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. silvally-grass
  2. lapras
  3. golurk
  4. booper-kintsugi
  5. meloetta-kint-muse
  6. meloetta-kint-dancer
  7. murkrow
  8. yveltal
  9. celebi
  • Added in the Skarmory chase
  • Extra details in the cellar scene: Novo’s scar
came for the memes, although I did like the new edits in chapter 1! I didn't really skim any further than that, but I did check the changelogs to see what I was missing lol. here for chapter 15 though! It's been sufficiently long since the beta that I can read this with fresh eyes, yes, definitely, that is why it has taken me so long.

This chapter brings Wes's past and present crashing firmly together, and I like the tension that's drawn out by seeing an old frenemy. Renna's a really good example of what Wes's loner lifestyle of lying and hiding information has cost him, since it's never made explicitly clear if she would've rejected him outright if he'd asked her to come along--so it's great to see that he's definitely internalized and learned from that mistake and isn't shutting people out again! I like the retcon to make small!Renna less of the aggressor in the first scene; it sells their budding friendship a lot more clearly and in the long term it shows that this was someone Wes let in past his armor, however slowly at first, with stunning results. The peeks at what Alden's up to are also interesting; long-term I'm curious to see what his actual goal was when working within Snagem, and how on board he was with how things were going. With a name like that, the organization had to have always been about stealing pokemon, right?

I think Rui's section fell out a little, and I wonder if maybe it'd fit better in chapter 14 or 16--this one seems firmly like the Renna show, and the takeaways we get from her section (oh god oh wow no one thought any of stealing stuff through) don't quite seem to flow either emotionally or thematically with the Wes/Renna bits. Still! Here for Rui's POV and I like that Duking takes a moment to encourage her, especially since with her aura sense she is the only person who can do her job, but imposter syndrome is a helluva drug.

Some quick line-by-lines, 90% of which are shitposts. Overall things seem to picking up; this chapter was definitely doing some heavy lifting.

She had short, light brown hair that fell just below her chin—the tips were jaggedly cut
Speaking now from experience, the front tips are pretty easy to cut straight, but it's the back that's hell lol.
"Y-your spot?" Wes spluttered. "This is my spot! Always has been!"
unknown.png

"If I ever have to take my break early, I get to eat here. Deal?"
I found myself wanting something to suggest that he wouldn't kick her out if he found her here when he came early--like "If I ever have to take my break early, you get to let me eat here." or something
Her short, choppy hair had grown some since the day she first met Wes, and she was taller now, though her air of confidence was much the same.
This one seems to have stayed since the retcon, although I don't think know if the air of confidence was as present in their meeting scene, so it feels kind of weird to describe that as a character trait Wes expects out of her (like maybe it comes out later in their friendship but that info never really got conveyed to the reader)
It had a face like a boulder, and its orange skin reminded him of the desert at its hottest.
I like the imagery here. Unsure if sand would look orange in harsh sunlight thought--usually that feels like a sunset color b/c the light is less direct/also it's slightly red, and if the sand itself were hot enough to *actually* be orange, anyone touching it would be super dead.
"Um, sorry to wake you, but we have another meeting with Sherles today .. .remember?"
Haha this ellipsis is kind of sweet! Pen does hers like . . . this and I do mine like ... this, so this is kind of a crossbreed between them. Although I think you do yours like...this so this is really quite the bastard child all around.
"That's the problem," Duking said. "Orre doesn't have anything in the way of Pokémon shelters, and we don't even have a Center in this town we could hope to turn them over to—once they're cured, of course."
I wonder if there are specialists in other regions who would care? I am not fully cognizant of the political climate outside of Orre/if Duking as mayor would have any contacts at least with the outside world. Seems like this would be an interesting phenomenon for some researchers outside of Orre to want to look into though.
Wes already standing and gathering up his bag
dropped a period at the end of this sentence. if u want a better beta than whatever bozo did this, just hmu it's a joke the bozo is me; leaving this clarification in here
Wes stepped into the empty Colosseum and made for the training arena, a smaller dome behind the main one that was little more than wooden walls and rafters and packed-down sand for the floor.
Earlier they mention that Duking has people working in the Colosseum during the day? So I wasn't sure why it's empty now. It's a cool setpiece though.
Her short, choppy haircut was long gone; now her hair flowed in sleek, straight tresses all the way down to the center of her back.
Sleek tresses? In the windy desert? Homegirl's haircare routine must be godly.
"Turned them against me already, have you?"

"I didn't turn them against you." Wes returned her icy stare with his own. You did that yourself.
main-qimg-45ee18c7200774b563ccfefa6da13e0d

tumblr_inline_oaqsa34LTZ1tu7rip_500.gif

For some reason I can't find these in the same gif lol
Still, she knew better than to call him Leo, knew how much he hated that name and what that meant to him, and—
I think this realization washed in a little slow? Currently she calls him Wes, he sees she's hurt and realizes that he's not any better, he apologizes, he does a lot of angry fuming, she tells him to fuck off, Alden, and then he remembers she called him Wes--it's spaced a little far apart and it might be easier to have the name at the end of her last dialogue ("don't you dare think it's because I wanted to") instead.
"Isn't it obvious? I've been sent to track you down. Drag you back to Snagem if I can." She crossed her arms. "Wakin assigned me the job himself."
"Even if I wanted to drag you back to Snagem—and I'm not sure I don't—that's not what I'm here for. I was under orders to tail you and find out what you're up to, but nothing more."
Is she just bluffing the first time or did she forget lol. It seems like walking in guns blazing with "yeah the guy we both really hate assigned me to drag you back in as few pieces as possible" may not be the best approach if she's actually trying to get info out of him; that might put him a little on edge and less likely to talk about what he's up to.
"First of all, she's not my girlfriend," Wes said curtly. "Second, I know Gonzap well enough to have figured that out for myself, thanks."
I can't help but wonder if the girlfriend thing is really what he'd be focusing on first?
 
Last edited:

HaruMiju

Hero in their dreams
Location
London
Pronouns
They/them, She/her,
Hiya, sorry for the wait and holdup! Catnip review here, reading chapters 4 and 5 of the story. I know you asked me to read the edited chapter 1, but time was against me due to irl stuff. I intended to do the edited chapter and the latest one I hadn't read, but after reading four, it felt more fitting to do five as well because of where four left off. I hope that's still okay!

Anywho, onto the actual stuff...

-----------------------------------------



Fate has brought me back again, and having read the first three chapters originally, I decided to continue from where I left off, doing chapters four and five. Admittedly because four did not add too much and I felt it would have been unfair to leave it at that.

One thing I absolutely adored about this story originally was the chemistry between the main cast, especially including Neo and Novo, so I was very pleased to see that isn’t lost as the story progresses. Wes’ Umbreon and Espeon are treated like characters, leading to some quirky quips that got a good smile out of me, especially in chapter four.

I was especially happy to see the perspective shift in that chapter, too. I’m not used to point of view changes in fanfiction being done well, but switching to Rui from the chapter start offered a fresh view on the story’s more dramatic events. It also doubled as a good way to prevent the writing from going stale since we backtracked to old locations, too. What would be a chore in-game to extend play time a little bit has been turned into a curious look around from a new perspective without feeling like filler.

However, despite it not feeling like filler in that regard, my personal issues with it being a retelling of game events come through. After chapter four, I can’t help but step away wondering what the core purpose of that part of the story was, or if it could have been adapted in some other more engaging way. Yes, the section built character and had them obtain pokéballs, as well as giving us insight to Neo and Novo’s feelings, but those are points that could have happened in other locations or other scenes. What if chapter five, where a more dramatic battle occurs, had been from Rui’s perspective instead? We get her thoughts about Wes and deeper feelings on current events during the first half of the chapter. Then, her flipping out at Wes for snagging the Makuhita would have been more impactful, and the pace of the story would have been much faster. Novo’s wariness could raise more conflict from the reader’s perspective. Neo could feel like more than an adorable goofball trope.

Speaking of Neo and Novo, as much as I enjoyed their little overview of the story so far towards the end of chapter four (I am biased as a PMD fan), I must admit that it really didn’t add anything to the story because of where and what it was. Instead of having their brief retelling of the story so far with their thoughts and feelings, those exact feelings could be so much more impactful if they were of current events. Wes and Novo both flipping out when Rui bursts into the Mayor’s office without thought, or Neo’s cheeky sneaking of the bacon amongst him admitting how much he likes Rui, and so forth.

I do feel bad for saying some of this because it’s heavily biased towards my interests – I can acknowledge that what is here currently works and does what it needs to do. The characterization remains strong and funny, the events of the story are faithful to their source, and there are some cool interpretations of scenes. I especially liked the ferociousness of the shadow Pokémon, which really emphasized how powerful they could be. Them attacking without order was a really cool detail.

But I do feel that this story will be at its strongest when it bravely diverges scenarios to better suit the story of a written work rather than a video game. Such treasures are there – the characters not having a bag to carry pokéballs, not recognising pokéballs to begin with, Wes’ backstory and friends, the inn underneath the train car, and more. However, these treasures feel like they’re shackled by the necessity to follow Pokémon Colosseum’s story to a T. Wes has to play like the hero and give in to Rui’s requests, Rui has to believe in fate and aimlessly stick to Wes, and so on.

There’s definitely an overarching concern with pacing here, too. If this is where the story is after five chapters, then I worry how long it could end up, especially if it continues to stick to the core game so closely. Determining what are the most important scenes to take and what scenes can be adapted would definitely take the pressure off the length and pacing. As it stands, I feel like the unimportant parts of chapter four can be shaved off, with the remainder stacked onto chapter five to make a single part that’s not too long. Lovely ideas like the Eeveelution’s feelings can easily be melded into the plot, like they have been thus far.

Perhaps I’m just talking out my butt with all this, though. I’m a person who does not read retellings of this sort. As mentioned earlier, from what I can tell, this story does everything it seems to be setting out to do and the only hiccups I’m spotting in spelling or wording can easily be ignored. I can certainly see people looking for a novelization flocking to this, and them walking away happy. It’s a fun read.



-SGMijumaru-
 
Chapter Whatever: Shenanigans with a side of bacon

HelloYellow17

Gym Leader
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. suicune
  2. umbreon
  3. mew
  4. lycanroc-wes
  5. leafeon-rui
The last few weeks had been quite unusual for Neo—though, they were unusual for his brother and his trainer, too, he was sure. Still, it wasn't every day that he could say he had his own mission to fulfill.

"Look, guys," Wes had quietly said to him and his brother one afternoon, "I don't want to put too much pressure on you, but I'm gonna need your help with your new teammates for…" he'd paused, as if unsure of what specific words to choose next. "A little while," he finished.

Neo looked at Novo and back at Wes, tilting his head to the side. Help? Help how?

"I need you two to keep a close eye on them whenever they're out of their balls, okay?" Wes rubbed the back of his head—something he often did whenever he felt uncertain about something. "I don't like the idea of having them out all the time, but Rui insists it's the only way they'll improve, and, well. They've gotta get used to us somehow, I guess. So just watch out for them and make sure they behave. And...try to make friends with them whenever you can. Let them know we aren't a threat." His face darkened, and Neo sensed crisp waves of apprehension rolling off of him. "I hope it doesn't have to come to it, but if any of them snap, don't hesitate to knock them out. Got it?"

Novo immediately answered with an affirmative bark. Neo shuffled his paws and hesitated before nodding. He didn't like the idea of having to fight his teammates like that. As a team, weren't they all supposed to be friends? And friends wouldn't attack each other...right?

Then, all at once, a solution came to him: if he could convince Maku, Kohna and Nani that they were friends, then they wouldn't ever have to fight! And it just so happened that Neo was an expert at making friends. This would be easy. Why, there was no reason why they wouldn't all be the very best of friends by the end of the day.

He would very quickly learn how wrong he was.

Nani made it abundantly clear right from the start that she wanted nothing to do with him—or Novo, or Wes, or anybody else, for that matter. Even when Rui tried to join Neo's efforts by offering the Croconaw one of Duking's homemade treats, Nani took personal offense at the gesture and likely would have removed Rui's hand if Neo hadn't summoned a Protect just in time.

Maku was hardly any easier. Every attempt to engage him in play was met with a blank stare or, if Neo was lucky, a grunt and a shake of his head. "No fight," he'd said once with a frown.

Neo huffed. "Not fight! Play! Play is fun! Fun is happy!"

Maku growled at him. "No fight! No play!"

Fine, then.

At least things weren't a total loss—Kohna was much more receptive than the other two, and even liked to take her afternoon naps curled up beside Novo. Though she'd originally been extremely quiet, the Quilava had gradually been opening up to Neo and Novo as the days went by, and one afternoon, to Neo's soaring delight, she finally agreed to play with him.

"Play! Play! Play!" Neo bounced all around her, his yaps echoing off the walls of the cave inside Duking's home. He heard Nani growl at him from her usual place under the waterfall, but he'd long since learned to drown out her griping.

"Don't overwhelm her, bud," Wes said. He sat at a table with Rui and Silva, and while the latter two had been chatting with each other, he'd been watching each of the Pokemons' interactions like a wary Skarmory.

Neo chuffed at him. He knew his trainer meant well, but that didn't mean he had to be a killjoy...

Kohna shuffled her paws nervously. "Play…"

"Play!" Neo snapped his attention back to her and lunged forward. He nipped lightly at her flank, psychic energy sparking from the jewel on his forehead.

Kohna stumbled backwards with a yelp. Her flames flared, almost singeing Neo's fur with their heat. She stared at him, then at her flank, then back at him.

"Not...hurt?"

"No hurt! Only play!"

"...only play," she repeated slowly. A glimmer of understanding appeared in her eyes. "Only play. No hurt. Play...play!"

She rocketed forward and headbutted Neo in his side. The sudden movement caught him off-guard and sent him sprawling across the floor as he squawked in surprise.

Novo rose to his feet with a bark, hackles raised, but quickly relaxed once Neo scrambled to his feet with a yap of excitement. Maku, who had been dozing in a corner, was now wide awake and watching the display with a keen interest he'd never shown before.

Neo and Kohna pranced about the cave, exchanging lighthearted barks and growls as they dove at one another. Neo was careful to warn Kohna if she got too rough or her flames too bright, and Kohna was quick to adapt, her eyes brighter than Neo had ever seen them.

He was so caught up in the fun, he didn't notice Maku step up to Novo and sheepishly tap his fists together.

"...Play?" Maku asked.

Novo blinked and twitched his ears. He regarded the Makuhita for a moment, then nodded with a friendly purr. "Play."

They stepped away from the wall and out into the open space, careful to give Neo and Kohna their space. Maku shifted his weight from one foot to the other, watching Novo closely. The Umbreon skirted around him, light on his paws, and sprang forward to give him a nudge when—

WHAM.

Novo's yowl broke Neo from his playful frenzy. He snapped his head up just in time to see his brother flying across the cavern before crashing into a bookcase on the other side. Kohna squeaked in alarm and immediately scampered to his side to inspect him for injuries, but Novo was already back on his feet and shaking dust from his pelt, apparently unharmed.

"No fight!" he barked at Maku, who had covered his face with his fists and looked faintly horror-struck. "NO FIGHT, ONLY PLAY!"

"Novo!" Wes rose to his feet and swept across the floor to his Umbreon, looking shaken.

"Dear Mew!" Neo heard Rui gasp from the table. "Where did that come from?"

Maku began rumbling something that sounded like an apology, but he didn't get very far before Wes rounded on him. "The hell was that, Maku!"

"P-p-play…"

"It doesn't look like he meant to," Silva said hesitantly, "but damn, he can pack a punch…"

"Play! Not hurt! Not fight!" Neo sprang to Maku's side and appealed to his angry trainer. "Bad at play, but not fight!"

Wes' face softened just a little. He huffed and ran a hand through his hair. "Gods, what am I going to do with all of you?"

Nani grated out a laugh from her pool. "Stupid!"

"NOT STUPID!" Novo, clearly still upset from getting launched across the room, spun around and yowled at her. Nani leaped from her pool with a snarl.

They were all quickly returned to their balls after that.

Neo spent the next few days stewing over what to do. They'd been doing so well, making so much progress...Kohna had played with him! And Maku, well...he'd at least tried to play…

After the incident, however, things had gone back to square one. Maku kept to himself and was more adamant than ever in his refusals to play, and Kohna had quickly lost interest, perhaps out of fear of injuring Neo or Novo. Nani remained as distant and smug as ever.

The one good thing to come of this setback was that, after a handful of very quiet and uneventful days, Wes finally allowed himself to relax again and eased up on his hovering. Neo would never tell him, but he was like a smothering mother Pidgey with the way he fretted over them. Even Rui had to occasionally step in to calm his nerves.

And then, one morning as Neo ate his breakfast and smelled the tantalizing aroma of bacon wafting from the kitchen, he had an idea.

Perhaps playing wouldn't work, at least not for a while. But food...everybody needed food. Even Nani. And what better way to make friends than to introduce them to the best food that ever existed?

It was a perfect plan, one that absolutely guaranteed good results—and delicious treats for Neo himself, but of course that wasn't the reason why he was planning this. Not at all. The only problem with this plan was his trainer.

Wes had been especially watchful ever since Neo and Novo's first bacon-snatching escapade. Neo couldn't for the life of him understand why, though. Who wouldn't gorge themselves on the best food in the world? And why in Mew's name was he expected to restrain himself? It was utter nonsense.

Still, though, there was no underestimating the glare Wes gave him whenever Neo so much as looked at the White Box in the kitchen where the food was held. Arceus above, if looks could kill…

Neo was undaunted, however. This plan was perfect. He just needed to find a way around Wes' watchful gaze. And, as luck would have it, the opportunity presented itself a day later.

Wes was preoccupied with yet another meeting with Duking, Rui, and the tired looking man called Sherles. He had been but prepared to keep the entire team in their Pokéballs when Silva convinced him to let them stay out in the living room, promising he would keep an eye on them. Neo hadn't thought much of this—until, as the late afternoon sun filtered through the window and clouded the entire room with its drowsy warmth, Silva nodded off in the armchair where he sat.

It was as if it was meant to be.

It took a moment to gather everyone together—Maku from his perch looking out the window, Kohna and Novo from their nap on a cushion in the corner, and Nani...well, Nani was snoozing in the other armchair. She cracked open one eye and warned Neo away with a growl and a curled lip.

Her loss, then.

The plan was simple. The kitchen was just the next room over, and as long as everyone remained quiet, sneaking into the White Box to pilfer this morning's leftover bacon would be no problem at all. All they had to do was follow his lead.

Kohna and Maku listened along with intrigued, if somewhat confused, expressions. To Neo's horror, it seemed that neither of them even knew what bacon was.

"Ba...con?" Kohna cocked her head to one side as Maku leveled Neo with a blank stare.

"Bacon!" Neo purred and kneaded the carpet, barely able to contain his excitement. All the bacon they could ever want was just around the corner and through that doorway—

"No."

Novo's soft growl felt like an Electrike's Thundershock. Neo stared at him, utterly betrayed. "No...bacon?"

"No," Novo growled again. "Not allowed."

Kohna shifted anxiously. "Don't...want trouble…"

"No trouble!" Neo rose to his paws from a sitting position, his tail held defiantly in the air. "Only bacon!"

In the corner of his eye, he saw Nani raise her head, her eyes fixated on the team.

Novo hissed. "No bacon!" He lashed his tail. "Obedient. Listen. No bacon. Wes says."

Neo felt a growl of his own rumble in his throat, but before he could protest further, Nani slunk from her chair and tottered over. He bristled. Nani had never once approached them—at least, not like this. She'd always come at them in a raging frenzy of snapping jaws…but this time was different. She held a swagger in her step, exuding massive overconfidence that only a proven fighter could. She stepped up to Novo with a gleam in her eye.

"Want bacon," she rumbled.

Novo, to his everlasting credit, was unfazed despite her intimidating presence. Neo could see the muscles rippling under scales, scales that were torn and tattered from countless scars. Nani was close enough that she could easily tear into the Umbreon in half a second, and Neo couldn't help but wonder if his brother would be able to raise a Protect quickly enough if he had to.

Novo met her predatory gaze dead on. "No."

Nani curled her lip. "Want bacon. Get what I want." She leaned in so close her breath ruffled Novo's fur. "Not stop me."

Kohna squirmed. Neo tensed. They were seconds away from what could only be a brutal fight—

"Won't stop you." Novo stepped back, though his stance was not one of submission, only calm acceptance. He knew what battles to pick, and this would not be one of them.

Nani snorted at him. "Good. Coward."

Novo's rings flared at the insult, but he remained still, his crimson eyes boring into her blue ones.

Eager to pull her attention away from his brother, Neo hopped over to the door with a quiet chirp. "Follow!"

The kitchen tile was pleasantly cool beneath his pads. Neo strutted confidently to the White Box, and with a glow from his forehead jewel, the door popped open, if a little too forcefully from his excitement. The contents inside the door rattled, swayed—and then a container rocked free from its place and plummeted to the floor with a SPLAT.

Red liquid burst everywhere. Neo barely restrained a startled yip. Kohna squeaked in alarm and skittered back, her paws sliding all over the smooth floor. Maku tensed and growled, and even Nani showed her fangs—but then, after a tense pause, all was still.

Neo stared at the red stuff. It looked like blood—blood!—but no, this wasn't that. It was thick and smelled strangely sweet...familiar, even. It reminded him of the train car diner, of the foods Wes would sometimes order, of the fries he would share with Neo and Novo. He couldn't remember what this substance was called, but he remembered liking the taste. To confirm his suspicions, he leaned over the broken bottle and licked at the oozing substance. Yes, this was the same stuff all right, and it was good.

But, tasty as it was, this wasn't what he'd come for. He chirped at his fellow teammates—no, his friends!—to soothe their fears. Kohna, somewhat reassured, sniffed at a red splotch near her paws and began lapping at it. Maku and Nani soon followed suit and tentatively tasted it for themselves.

Neo turned back to the White Box. Rising to his hind legs and placing his forepaws on a lower shelf, he nosed and sniffed his way through the contents until he found what he was looking for: his treasure. His one true love. His bacon.

He lovingly wrapped the container with his telekinesis and lowered it to the floor as if it were a newborn kit. He struggled with the lid until Nani shoved past Maku and used her claws to shred it open. All four of them stared at the meat with awe.

Neo chirped triumphantly. "Bacon!" His jewel glowed as he distributed the bacon between the four of them as evenly as possible. Then, "Eat!"

None of them had to be told twice. Nani immediately tore into it, rumbling with delight. Kohna sniffed at it, then nibbled, then began chomping in earnest.

Maku, however...merely nibbled, then wrinkled his face. He placed the bacon back on the floor. "Don't like."

What? What? Neo had never even considered the possibility that anyone could dislike bacon. He stared at Maku in horror. How was this possible? How could this be? How could they possibly be friends like this?

He was still wallowing in his shock when a voice made them all jump.

"Neo, I swear to Arceus, I'm gonna ship you overseas."

There was no mistaking that voice. Slinking low to the floor, Neo slowly raised his head until he was looking Wes in the eyes.

Busted.

In the corner of his eye he saw Novo sitting primly at his feet. Traitor. Rui stepped into the kitchen beside Wes, her eyes widening at the mess, and over Wes' shoulder, Silva was rubbing the back of his head and apologizing profusely.

"Swear I only dozed off for a second, gods, I'm so sorry—!"

The next few moments were a blur. Nani puffed herself up and immediately began snapping her jaws at Wes, which resulted in her prompt return to her Pokéball. Kohna and Maku, both thoroughly ashamed, stared at the floor and wouldn't meet his eyes—but Wes wasn't looking at them, anyway. He stared at Neo, then at the shredded container, then at the red splotches splattered all over the kitchen. He slowly raised a hand and ran his fingers through his hair, looking as though he were at an utter loss for words.

"Well," Rui said with a feeble smile, "at least they were working together. That's a first."

Neo always did like that redhead.

Wes sighed and looked at Maku and Kohna, who were still cowering slightly. "You're not in trouble, okay? I know who's responsible for this." He narrowed his eyes at Neo, and the Espeon flattened his ears and sank even lower into the floor.

The other two Pokémon nodded, and Wes returned them to their balls. He crouched down to level with Neo, who braced himself for a scolding...but, to his surprise, Wes reached out and rubbed him under his chin, then cupped his head in his hands and looked into his eyes.

"You," he said tiredly, "are the biggest damn brat I've ever had to deal with."

Neo picked up on the note of amusement mixed in with Wes' exasperation. He flicked his tail and responded with a sheepish mew. Did this mean...he might not be in trouble…?

"The next time I catch you stealing bacon, I'm turning you into a rug."

Oh.

Wes gave him a hard stare. "And until I can trust you again, you're not allowed anywhere without my supervision, moron."

Well...he supposed things could be worse.

Wes pulled out Neo's Pokeball, saying something about how he was going in timeout until they got the kitchen cleaned up. As the red light washed over him, Neo had a sudden, horrifying realization:

All that work, and he didn't even get to eat his bacon.


Author's Notes:

So, as you can guess...this isn't really an OFFICIAL chapter, uh, whoops! This is a (late) April Fool's installment, and even though it's a bunch of shenanigans with a side of bacon and a dash of crime, I hope you still enjoyed the wholesomeness!

That being said: Keep your eyes peeled! OSAS Ch. 16 will be published later this month, and it's a doozy! ;)

Happy late April Fools, y'all!
 
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Seren

Lurking
Staff
Pronouns
He/Him
Partners
  1. sableye
Okay, so I have thoughts.

"Chapter Whatever" Yes, this is absolutely going to be good. I love it when the gags start even before the chapter content does.

This was fantastic.
Everyone's in character and the entire thing reads like it could be a real chapter (or at least, a scene from one).
I love the pokemon bonding going on, too.

Neo turned back to the White Box. Rising to his hind legs and placing his forepaws on a lower shelf, he nosed and sniffed his way through the contents until he found what he was looking for: his treasure. His one true love. His bacon.

He lovingly wrapped the container with his telekinesis and lowered it to the floor as if it were a newborn kit.

I love Neo so much. I adore how gently he treats the bacon, considering how violently he threw down the ketchup (I assume that's what that was.)

There's Rui trying to find the positives, and Neo appreciating that. And I love that Wes doesn't get angry, especially at Maku and Kohna (he knows exactly what happened here!).

Finally:

"The next time I catch you stealing bacon, I'm turning you into a rug."

LOL You went with this one anyway. I knew you were looking for one for Neo. I just knew it.

Overall:
I really do hope you actually leave this up because it doesn't even break canon like Pedestal's April Fool's chapter did. This could easily be a little side/worldbuilding story that shows the shadow pokemon opening up, just a little bit.
 

unrepentantAuthor

A cat that writes stories.
Location
UK
Pronouns
they/she
Partners
  1. purrloin-salem
  2. sneasel-dusk
  3. luz-companion
  4. brisa-companion
  5. meowth-laura
  6. delphox-jesse
  7. mewtwo
  8. zeraora
Well, this was lovely and charming and thoroughly entertaining. Also, more legit that an april fools day chapter has a right to be!
How could they possibly be friends like this?
This was one of my favourite lines. It really reads like a smart, earnest kid or unintrospective critter just completely baffled at the inability to bond over precious bacon.
All that work, and he didn't even get to eat his bacon.
Oh nooooo poor little crimble boy doesn't get his goddamn bacon. What bathos! What farce! Shame, pity, woe!

Please leave this chapter up as canonical, it's wonderful and I loved it. Also, your prose is really solid and there's a lot I like about this that makes me wanna read OSAS proper. Nice one.
 

Pen

the cat is mightier than the pen
Staff
Partners
  1. dratini
  2. dratini-pen
  3. dratini-pen2
The only "April Fools" here is you trying to convince us that this chapter isn't 100% canon.

Neo is always such a cutie-pie and energetic narrator, and this chapter was no exception. Wes' brooding gloom presence is a great foil to him and "make you into a rug" cracked me up as exactly the kind of over-the-top threat Wes would resort to. The poor boy has no actual way to resist Neo but he tries. As always, Novo is a teacher's pet and tattle-tale, and he is my favorite for it. I liked that bacon was what it took to get Nani involved and the sweet/total fridge-horror moment where Kohna realizes that the ketchup isn't blood. This sweet baby deserves a future of only ketchup, no more blood.

Only thing that kept throwing me was the thought that they're eating raw bacon 😂 Uh, yum . . ?
 

NebulaDreams

Ace Trainer
Partners
  1. luxray
  2. hypno
Review of chapters 3-4 (with notes):

Chapter 3


Rui's eyes widened and the brightness vanished from her eyes. "Oh." She dropped her gaze to the ground. "Oh. I'm...I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

An awkward pause. Taking advantage of the silence to divert the attention away from himself, Wes curtly asked, "And you?"

Queue the tumbleweeds.

Dumbfounded, Wes could only keep walking as she followed, her laughter continuing for a few minutes until, at last, she was forced to catch her breath between giggles.

Laughing... for at least a few minutes... h-how? Also, I wasn’t expecting Rui to be such an airhead, but it provides a nice contrast to Wes... so how long before they hook up?

To the left was an enclosed, glass-walled play area for Pokémon. Wes knew from previous visits that the play area extended through a door in the wall to a larger, fenced-in outdoor area. He'd never used it himself, though—the thought of leaving his Pokémon in someone else's hands was mortifying to him.

Hmm, the play area kind of sounds like a recipe for Snagem to kidnap more Pokemon. Granted, it is fenced in, but what are the chances of someone sneaking in undetected to kidnap them, or swooping in with a flying Pokemon to snatch them away? Do they have security?

Rui surprised him by throwing him a withering look. "Yes, I'm hearing about it just now," she said scathingly. "It's not like I've spent the last twenty-four hours in a sack or anything!"

"...Oh." Wes suddenly felt incredibly stupid. "Right...sorry."

Congratulations, Wes, you played yourself.

Rui nearly choked on her fries. "Wha—excuse me?" she asked indignantly as soon as she could speak, "I'll have you know, I'm well over eighteen!"

He raised an eyebrow. "By what, a few months?"

Rui huffed at him. "I'm twenty-one, Wes."

Oh. He was genuinely surprised at that. She was much closer to his age than he'd originally thought, only a year younger than himself. "Sorry. You just look younger."

"I get that a lot, actually," she said dejectedly. She picked at what remained of her food.

"It's because you're short," he said bluntly. He immediately recognized his mistake when Rui raised her eyebrows at him.

"Wow, really? I'm short? Thanks for pointing that out to me, Wes, I never noticed," she said with a dry smirk.

Moron. "I—that's—yeah. Sorry."

ASDFGHJKL THIS WHOLE EXCHANGE

Chapter 4

In the span of just over a day, she'd seen a crazed Pokémon, been kidnapped, had nearly suffocated in a sack, was rescued by someone who acted for all the world as though he'd rather have left her there, and was now flying across the desert in a crazy death trap of metal with said stranger.

And prom’s just a few hours away!

Grogan obliged and packed about half a dozen red Pokéballs and about four blue ones. "Will that be enough?" Wes asked Rui.

I’m surprised they just seem to be giving them away for free, since I didn't hear them mention a price tag. It sounds plausible that they're just so obsolete that they would give them away like that, but at the same time, if it's a rare item that people still have some use for, that would probably up the price a bit.

"You can take that. I'll sleep on the floor."

"Are—are you sure?" Rui turned to him uncertainly. She felt as though she'd been asking that question a lot today.

"I prefer the floor anyway."

'And totally not for any other reason, none whatsoever.'

Rui giggled at the sight. "He must love human food, huh?"

"Mostly just bacon," Wes muttered.

...is pork necessarily human food? Better yet, where do they get the pork from, considering how scarce Pokemon are supposed to be in this region? Bah, nitpicks.

He couldn't believe his trainer sometimes. Who could possibly deny him, Neo the Great (and Handsome, according to the redhead) Espeon, when he put on the charm? Apparently his stone-cold trainer could. Hmphf.

I love Neo.

--

Okay, it's nice to be back for Catnip, and these chapters continue to be enjoyable. I like Rui and Wes' dynamic a lot here. The monkeybrain in me likes seeing this sort of relationship chemistry where this gruff guy with a heart of gold meets the bubbly girl who's hiding more than she lets on. Rui's optimistic personality here is a good counterpoint to Wes as well as Orre's dystopian setting, and she does it without being annoying. I just hope she'll get to prove her stripes in the team once she starts her journey to be a Pokemon trainer.

I'm also curious about Neo and Novo's perspectives since I really wasn't expecting to see things from a Pokemon POV in this story. I like the agency they displayed in their previous chapters, and that's even more evident here while giving both Pokemon more depth, showing Neo's cunning to manipulate Rui's naive traits (while also showing that he is The Best Boy) and Novo's jealousy towards her, and I don't blame Novo here. Through their narration and how they respond to their human companions, their intellect seems really close to that of humans, so I'm wondering how many other Pokemon are like this in this world, at least the ones that haven't turned into shadows. And how would the world respond to that as well?

I struggle to find criticism aside from nitpicks, since this has been solid as a whole. Chapter 3 is a good cooldown chapter after the previous two chapters, since we get more worldbuilding here as well as the introduction of the shadow Pokemon and how Rui's aura-reading capabilities play into that.

I enjoyed chapter 4 fine enough, but if I had one specific gripe, though, it felt a little uneventful with not much really happening in comparison to the previous chapters. I'm not really sure the scene where Novo hypnotises Wes again really adds much to the story. Of course, it's different this time since we get to see more of Rui's perspective, but at the same time, I don't feel like much new information was conveyed here. And while I also appreciate exploring different viewpoint characters, especially with Neo and Novo since again, they steal the show, it also made this chapter feel a little all over the place since it jumps between four different perspectives.

But overall, this was a good read as usual, and I look forward to reading more when I get the chance to.
 

canisaries

you should've known the price of evil
Location
Stovokor
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. inkay-shirlee
  2. houndoom-elliot
  3. yamask-joanna
  4. shuppet
  5. deerling-andre
Hey there! I've been seeing you and other talk a lot about this story, and my curiosity's finally gotten the better of me. I was originally just going to read and review the first chapter, but after how short it was, I went for the second, too. And I do also know how annoying it can be to receive a disproportionate amount of Chapter One reviews.

I should mention that I have played Colosseum (or watched it being played, can't remember) but it was a very long time ago. So while I know the gist, I remember very little about the game's story and I'll likely have to ask what's game and what's yours a few times along the way.

Now for some quote comments:

"Espi-esp, esp, esp! Es-SPI!?" The Espeon's barks

I really can't imagine these noises as barks. I'd sooner call them yips or chirps or something of the like.

Muffled cries, the screams of Pokémon, a child sobbing quietly in a corner - images and sounds flickered and blurred together, one coming right after the other as if in a disorganized photo reel.

A flicker, and there was a dark room, in which a child was sobbing over the limp form of a Pokémon's body. He looked up, tear-stained face twisted with anger. "This is YOUR FAULT!" he screamed.

It just very slightly peeves me that "sobbing child" is used twice in such quick succession. For variation, I'd change one to "crying". Preferably the latter.

He was pushed flat on his back as his Espeon leaped at him, eyes wide, tail wagging in excitement. "Espi! Epsi, espi, espi, espi, espi!"

For something with such a catlike tail, it's hard to imagine it being wagged as a sign of excitement. Cat tail wagging is almost always a sign of something negative.

"We bring this breaking news to you live from Eclo Canyon—"

A female reporter's voice blared suddenly from the TV and interrupted his thoughts.

*flashbacks to Twitch Plays Colosseum where we kept watching the news over and over again*

Soon, very soon, they would be rid of this disease-ridden, Arceus-forsaken desert, and they would be free.

disease-ridden? hmm

Wes turned back to his plate and inhaled deeply, willing his heart to stop racing so fast. He glanced uneasily at the metal sleeve that covered his left arm from his shoulder to his wrist. The existence of Snag Machines—particularly this Snag Machine—was not public knowledge, and his identity was safe for now.

It's unfortunate that this is out of your control, because him wearing the Snag Machine wherever he goes is pretty risky when it's something that sticks out so much even if the people don't know what it is. Although you could try to tie this in with the "weird Orre fashion"?

At least, it should be...the bartender knew Wes as a regular, but not well enough to be suspicious. And, worst case scenario...Wes reached under his coat and brushed his fingers against the hilt of the knife he kept strapped to his belt. Well, "knife" was bit of a generous term for the thing—it was an old Skarmory feather that he'd strapped to a makeshift hilt. Not exactly the most conventional blade, but it had served its purpose on more than one occasion just fine.

ooooo skarmory shiv

and a gruff-looking man stretched out at his own booth in the back, face obscured by his cowboy hat.

I just want you to know that I absolutely imagined this guy as Sam Elliott's character from The Big Lebowski.

Willie withdrew his hand, though he didn't seem to take any offense from Wes' rudeness.

tell me where shaking the hand of a complete stranger that just walked up to you is rude so i can never go there

Not that he had much of a right to mock strange hair color—his own was such a light, platinum blonde, it was often mistaken for silvery white.

I only really got the intention of this line on the quote-collecting reread. On the first read, I couldn't understand how someone would "mistake" a color for another - I mean if you see something as some color (in normal lighting), then isn't that its color - but now I think you wanted to express that people often thought he dyed his hair. Just focusing on the color misses the mark for me, though.

Tattoo or no, he would have been stared at anyway; his choices had been either a nasty scar or this tattoo to cover it up, and he'd chosen the latter.

Is it described as a tattoo in the canon? Because I can't figure out how a tattoo can cover up a scar. Face paint I could get, but not a tattoo.

The desert sun reflected off the sparkling water and white structures, making it blindingly bright to look at.

To Wes, it was a literal eyesore.

I don't think this really checks out - it seems more like it's a literal eyesore to most people that see the brightness, and to Wes it's also a metaphorical eyesore because he doesn't like its aesthetic. Wes also has his desert glasses, so it seems like he's one of the people to whom it could be less of a literal eyesore considering he can protect his vision.

Neo's forehead jewel gleamed, and a silvery Protect shield formed around him, blocking the Whismurs' attacks completely. Novo, however, braced himself and took the hit - he tumbled backwards, then scrambled back to his feet and howled. Neo's fur bristled and his eyes gleamed as he gained strength from his brother's Helping Hand.

Does the Uproar not affect the trainers? I didn't spot if that was addressed.

"HAH?!" Trudly roared in fury at his partner, who stood frozen in shock.

I don't really know how this line would be roared nor why it would be - it sounds more like a laugh. I'm guessing it's a game thing?

The men broke into a sprint and hopped into their truck. The young athlete yelled and started forward, but he only made it a few steps before the truck roared alive and hauled away, plowing recklessly to the city entrance. He turned to Wes in frustration. "We—we have to stop them!"

I think at this point I was under the impression they had the sack with them, and while a careful reread of the events showed me this likely wasn't the case, I feel like it couldn't hurt to express that it was left behind.

The knot was, in fact, relentlessly tight. Even with two people working at it, it refused to give way. Wes brushed them aside and called for Novo, who stepped forward and gnawed at the rope. Within seconds, the rope was severed, and the woman swooped in to open the sack.

It feels kinda weird to me that they wouldn't ask for something sharp to cut the knife very soon after the knot turned out to be more than trivial. I also wanted the story to bring up Wes's skarmory knife because it seemed like a great solution, even if he'd end up not using it because knives were frowned upon or something.

When in Arceus' name will they stop?
"Oh, for Arceus' sake."
"Thank Celebi you were here to help me...I don't know how to repay you!"

Celebi? Wes frowned a little. He'd scarcely ever heard people swear by that name. He noticed the woman and the boy beside him exchange surprised looks, and wondered if they were thinking the same thing as him: She's not one of those crazy believers, is she?
Mew above, she's sure passionate, thought Wes.

I don't know if someone's raised a stink about this yes in reviews and I don't want to check in case I get spoilers, but I may as well complain the way I always do.

I have a big pet peeve of the "oh my Arceus" phenomenon because 1. it typically feels very clunky to say and 2. it doesn't feel like Arceus should be relevant in the setting. In the case of this fic, the second point has a lot more weight as Orre is very Gen III to me. Unlike the main games, it hasn't been remastered in a way that lets Sinnoh Pokémon exist there, either, so the mention of Arceus just feels out of place. This is even further highlighted by the fact that this is not just a story set in a game region, but a novelization of the game's story.

Mew makes a lot more sense for a deity here (and it's less of an effort to say), but combined with Arceus it just gets weirder because then I have to ask what role Mew has in the Sinnohan Mt. Coronet religion. It also just feels like it's on a very different tier, being a little kitten with some psychic powers next to a universe-creating god-kirin.

Bringing attention to Celebi as a weird deity also implies that the Mew-Arceus religion has been spread so wide so long that swearing by their names has become mostly empty words and mundane phrases. This raises more worldbuilding questions that I feel aren't going to be addressed due to religion not being central to the story, and so it just remains as an annoyance that draws me out of the story each time.

"They were heading here for something!" Rui said emphatically.

Knowing Rui is psychic, I read this a misspelled "emphathetically" like three times before googling the word to see it was a real one. But in any case, I feel like the word is pretty redundant here.

"No." Arceus forbid Wes get saddled with more unnecessary distractions today. He quickly thought of an excuse. "You two should go to the Town Hall and report this incident. Make sure authorities know about what happened." Not that it will do much, he thought to himself. The only "authorities" in Phenac City were the staff at the Town Hall, and they could do little more than raise awareness and alert the citizens.

I was wondering before why they didn't just call the cops as the middle ground between getting caught up in something and not helping at all. This kind of explains it, but now I raise my eyebrow at there being no law enforcement in a city, especially in a region with so much crime. This may be a game thing, but if not, Wes could think about calling the authorities but still decide not to because he knows they wouldn't get there fast enough to save the victim.

---

General Thoughts

So I mentioned before that Chapter 1 was very short, and looking at the threadmark index, it seems that it's the odd one out in that regard, too. It's not a big issue or anything, but it just feels a bit odd, I suppose. (Though a fantastic ploy to get people to read the second one as well expecting it to be as short. Worked on me!)

I like that the Umbreon and Espeon have personalities of their own, though I keep mixing up their names due to them being so similar. Wes has managed to engage me in a rather short amount of time and I find myself curious towards his past trauma, though his occasional quips drag his character down a little bit to me due to personal preference. Seeing him care for his partners is a key component of reader sympathy.

And I... suppose that's it for my thoughts? I can say I generally liked this and hope to keep reading even if it takes me a long time to get around to it. Good luck in writing onwards, and congrats on amassing such a large readerbase.
 

HelloYellow17

Gym Leader
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. suicune
  2. umbreon
  3. mew
  4. lycanroc-wes
  5. leafeon-rui
Would you look at that! It’s a wild Yellow, FINALLY replying to reviews! It’s a Christmas Miracle...in April! :quag:

That said, there are a LOT of reviews to catch up on, so please forgive me if my responses aren’t super detailed But please know that I love and appreciate all of your feedback! Thank you all so much for taking the time and effort to leave your thoughts on this story, it really does mean so much to me 💛

Now let’s dig in:

I love the characterizations of the pokemon in particular. While people are ok, the pokemon stand out to me, although I'd avoid overcrowding yourself, so you don't detract from anyone's growth on accident. Try to keep the focus on the three starter okemon and Maku for now, plus Neo and Novo.

Now to be clear, I don't think you've dropped the ball at all so far in these aspects! The ball is firmly in hand, so to speak, and the things I'm talking about are general warnings. You've got a lot of tropes on your plate right now. The plucky officer johnson, mysterious woman Fateen, world weary sheriff, spunky female, sexy female, composed housewife, nerdy shy boy kid and his sister.... But let me be clear this isn't bad! Not at all. tropes are familiar and fun. I think the real delight of a trope is finding new ways to explore it. I encourage you to try to do your own twists on them, much like you seem to be with your take on the colosseum story as a whole!

I really like everything I've read so far.

So I know that we chatted about this review over DMs, so I won’t go into tons of detail, but! Just wanted to say WOW THANK YOU and also—yeah, I’m definitely juggling a lot of tropes here and probably biting off more than I can chew. I’m trying to make it feel a little more manageable for the readers as I go through edits.

also re: Rui! I’ve tweaked nearly every interaction she has with Wes and would be very interested in getting your thoughts on the edits! Granted, I’ve only done 1-7 so far, and most of your issues came from the Pyrite chapters I think, but don’t worry, those will be fixed too!

I was genuinely not expecting you to review, since you beta-d this chapter and all, haha! What a nice surprise! And a lovely refresher on the memes, too ;)

I think Rui's section fell out a little, and I wonder if maybe it'd fit better in chapter 14 or 16--this one seems firmly like the Renna show, and the takeaways we get from her section (oh god oh wow no one thought any of stealing stuff through) don't quite seem to flow either emotionally or thematically with the Wes/Renna bits. Still! Here for Rui's POV and I like that Duking takes a moment to encourage her, especially since with her aura sense she is the only person who can do her job, but imposter syndrome is a helluva drug.

Hmm this is a valid point...but there’s so much going on in both 14 and 16, I’m not sure where else to put it. I did want to give her a little time to shine this chapter, however brief.

I also find that the deeper we get into Pyrite, the less I understand. There's a trio of lawful forces here--Duking, Sherles/police, and Fateen--and I don't really understand how they interact, who wants what, how they differ. Fateen mentions that she looks after the injured kids, so I guess they don't really have a hospital in addition to not having a school? But her role seems preventative (ironic, for a psychic!) and she doesn't seem to have an interest in directly combatting any of the issues, more of just mitigating the damage. Sherles wants to go vigilante cop here over a few shadow pokemon--more on this in the tail end of the line edits--and Duking is ... okay with this? Which I understand; there's definitely a pressing and extant dichotomy between what is strictly legal and what is right, especially in this setting--but like, if the mayor isn't stopping him from doing anything, what actually prevents Sherles/the police from doing what they want? They're all in for asset seizing and enlisting known criminals + Duking is on board with all of this + Orre doesn't really seem to have a powerful higher governing body, so it's not like Sherles is actually bound by the rules that he claims he is. I think their dynamic would be more interesting if I knew what each of them wanted + what makes them unique--perhaps Fateen is the only one focused on giving the Pyrite kids an education, so she views Duking/Sherles as a bit removed and she's disdainful that they're only trying to come in now; perhaps Sherles wants to go with his renegade/semi-legal route re: recruiting Wes/Lon, but Duking doesn't want to betray the trappings of the offices to which they've sworn themselves; perhaps Duking doesn't actually understand what it's like to grow up in Pyrite, but he's also learning that the office of mayor doesn't give him unilateral ability to enact the changes he starts to realize are necessary. Not sure! It feels like these three all know each other fairly well, but from a character perspective I struggle to see what each of them contribute separately.

We’ve chatted about this in DMs a bit, but yes, Pyrite seems to be a huge weak spot for me. I’m trying to nail down the plot and a million characters at once and...I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job. 😅 Really hoping I can change this with edits.

Thanks for the review and for giving me another meme feast, they are always lovely!

The Novo/Neo POV sections didn't add much for me since, with the exception of the bacon slipped under the table, we didn't learn anything from these scenes we couldn't glean from their body language. It also felt like a rehashing of scenes we already saw. But I feel like it could be nice to get scenes from their POV from time to time when it's a new scene. What I did appreciate in those scenes is how we get a little more insight into Wes through them. Novo and Neo represent two sides of him, two impulses with regards to Rui.

You know, this is totally fair! There really isn’t anything plot relevant that happens here, but I still plan to keep these chapters, if only for the sake of giving each of the squad some time to shine and show the audience their personalities in greater detail. I’m hugely invested in character-driven stories, so a short chapter focusing more on the characters than the plot is very much my speed as a writer, I think.

I wasn't sure why he didn't try to convince Rui to go to Gateon, where he needed to be. I get that he's trying to get her something out of the deal--that's sweet and says something about him--but the reasoning felt incomplete. If it's just that Gateon doesn't have the amenities they'd need, that's fine, but it needs to be explicit.

This...is a good point! I had Pyrite on the table because it was on the way to Gateon, meaning he could be rid of Rui sooner by stopping there. But I ought to make that clearer.

Hey, hi! I don’t know if we’ve met before! Very happy to see you here and I really loved your review, thank you!!
One minor concern, having to do with the pokemon and Wes’s relationship with them, is that it says early on in the chapter that Wes doesn’t understand pokespeech, but then later, when his umbreon is concerned, he sort of seems like he does. Maybe if you put in a few words explaining that Wes knows what Novo is suggesting (because he’s done it for him many times), that could help solidify the sense that he doesn’t have a verbal understanding of what Novo is saying, but he can still guess anyways. However, it is not a really big problem, since as a reader I can also extrapolate and guess that Wes is guessing from experience what Novo is saying.

One more nitpick is that there isn’t a line break between when the characters walk into the diner and the dream scene; a line break or extra space would help there, but again, it’s not a huge deal.

Oof, yeah the line breaks were lost in the cross posting from FFN. I believe I’ve fixed those now!
as for the pokespeech concern, my goal was to illustrate that Wes knows Neo and Novo well enough that he doesn’t need to explicitly translate what they’re saying; their body language tells him enough, and they’ve been together for so many years that it’s second-nature to him now. However, I can see how that wasn’t made explicitly clear. Sorry for the confusion!

First off, I was fully expecting the Chief to immediately try to arrest Wes, but cutting him a deal to figure out what's up with all the Shadow Pokemon is much more interesting. Doesn't seem all that bad of an arrangement either. Excited to see just how this goes.

I like how pretty much the primary reason Wes agrees to this is because of Neo and Novo. Really goes to show how close he is to them.

Eeeee I’m glad you picked up on that about Wes! This IS all for Neo and Novo. He wouldn’t go so far out of his way for anybody else. Or, at least, that’s what he tells himself.

Just wanna say I love your reviews so much. I love getting those authentic, real-time reactions because they give me an idea of what a reader might be thinking as they go. And you’re picking up on all the things I want my readers to pick up on, which makes me happy!!

Seren. SEREN.

Can you believe I barely knew who you were when you dropped these reviews?! And you probably barely knew who I was, but you just swooped in outta NOWHERE and dropped lovely, heartfelt, sincere reviews on the WHOLE FREAKING STORY!? Bless you. You have no idea how happy that made me and what that means to me, truly! 💛💜

Overall thoughts: I really love this so far. Great writing, personal flair in those little details, and I really feel like you do Rui justice with your characterization (well, all of your characters so far honestly, not just Rui). I don't think it's been mentioned so far (that I can recall) how you came up with names for Novo and Neo. Not that it's likely necessary in-story, but I'm curious.

I’m so freaking glad you love Rui!! I’ve been so worried that I’ve made her extremely annoying so your feedback helped a lot!

As for the names...lol I don’t even know where they came from, they just kinda popped in my head. I...actually had NO idea that their names both mean “new” in Latin until Lux pointed it out? I swear that was totally unintentional, hahaha.

I, uh, hope you don't mind two posts in a row, because frankly, I couldn't sleep and decided to read some more tonight instead.

YOU ARE SHOWERING MY FIC WITH LOVE, COMPLETELY UNPROMPTED, YOU DO NOT NEED TO APOLOGIZE HAHA

Negrek points out how there was never a reason given for why Rui wanted pokeballs to begin with... and I don't recall the answer to that. Did one ever get mentioned? I can guess (based on her saying later on that she wanted to save the shadow pokemon) that her intent was to try to capture them... but how would she come to that conclusion, when at the time, she had no idea about Wes' snag machine? There's no real way she'd come to the conclusion of "I'll just catch the already-captured pokemon away from their current owners" since that's... literally impossible in any other setting. Maybe this is answered in a future chapter I haven't seen yet.

I actually addressed this more fully in my chapter 3 edits! I’d love to get your thoughts on the edits I’ve made some time—but only if/when you can, of course!

Tbh this next one is probably my favorite chapter so far.

Awww thank you!! That makes me happy. I honestly had it written as a little one-shot more than anything else, and then decided to just plug it in as a chapter because wynaut? Glad you love it!

Something that literally struck me as we shift into Rui's scene here... I was just going to ask if she even bothered to let her family know why she's taken so long just to bring pokeballs back to them? Took long enough, but it looks like she finally has. It's not clear how many of these calls she's made up to this point, if any, but at least it's assured her family knows she's safe.

Yeah you’re not the only one to bring this up, either, so I should maybe make that more clear. Rui has been keeping in touch with her family before this point.

Nyra is an adorable name and I'm kind of surprised to see someone besides myself using it.
It’s actually a Guardians of Ga’Hoole reference! :veelove:

Thank you for blessing me with the most wholesome reviews I have EVER received, oh my goodness!! I enjoyed these so much and they lifted my spirits so high!

You dump Neo in the sidecar? You dump Neo like a sack of potatoes?? Oh! Oh! Jail for Wes! Jail for One Thousand Years!!
I will forever love you for using this meme LOL. It’s perfect for Neo, too!


The Very Long, Very Good and Fun Day :quag:

I enjoyed this chapter a lot! All the parts with Wes battling against his own logic and morality (with some help from two adorable kitty buddies!) were very delicious :D He's trying so hard to not be a good boy, to just get on his way and get out of there, but it's no use! I get the feeling he's gonna be swept up in a lot of heroics, against his better judgement. Wrong protagonist, right place kind of thing?

Precisely! I’m a sucker for good guys who think they’re bad but they actually aren’t, hehe.

i really liked rui's pov here! wes is a dear and his relationships with his pokémon are precious, but i think i enjoy rui's pov a bit more—she just has such an earnest way of looking at the world, and i think seeing a broody guy like wes through eyes other than his own is a lot of fun, too. i also felt like her ability to feel the auras added a lot to the combat, and her fear really made the stakes feel high.

i think i would have liked to see a little more interaction between wes and rui. i guess being standoffish is sort of his schtick for this chapter, but rui felt like a passive observer for most of the chapter. other than that, good stuff. short, sweet, and some pretty good action. hope to stop by again soon!

I’m always really happy to hear people like Rui and her POV sections, since she’s a character I love but also worry about how she comes across to readers! Her aura abilities are especially fun to play with.

I’ll admit this chapter was a little short on the Wes and Rui interaction, but there’s plenty of that in store, especially next chapter! :D

What if chapter five, where a more dramatic battle occurs, had been from Rui’s perspective instead? We get her thoughts about Wes and deeper feelings on current events during the first half of the chapter. Then, her flipping out at Wes for snagging the Makuhita would have been more impactful, and the pace of the story would have been much faster. Novo’s wariness could raise more conflict from the reader’s perspective. Neo could feel like more than an adorable goofball trope.

Oooh these are really awesome suggestions, and ones I’ll definitely keep in mind for the future! As it currently stands, I’ve spent months agonizing over edits and I don’t intend to do any major rewrites of the early chapters. Also, it’s true that those scenes would have been interesting from the others’ POV, but at the end of the day, Wes is the main protagonist, so we’ll be getting most of the story through his eyes.

I?? Was SO not expecting you to swoop in and review this?? AAAAA it made me SO HAPPY, you have no idea!! :veelove:

This was one of my favourite lines. It really reads like a smart, earnest kid or unintrospective critter just completely baffled at the inability to bond over precious bacon.
Ok but like. Getting praise from you just sends me through the roof because I already adore your writing so much and you have such SOLID takes on storytelling and character development. SO THANK YOU, YOU MADE MY DAY WITH THIS 💛

I don’t have any major complaints so far as I’m enjoying this quite a bit. I have one minor quibble with it, but it’s mostly preferential and it doesn’t affect my overall opinion, so feel free to take it with a grain of salt. I like the tone of this fic, as there's a good balance between Orre’s dystopian setting and the hopeful Pokemon world you’d expect from the mainline games. However, I find Wes’ survivalist mindset a little odd, since there hasn’t been much threat present in the fic yet and the tone has still been rather pleasant. We have a good idea about Snagem’s goals, so it works as an antagonistic force, but considering the two grunts in Phenac were ineffectual at best and people were quick to come to Rui’s aid, it clashes a little with his dog eat dog mindset. Well, not so much with his mindset since I'm sure there's a good justification for it so far with his checkered past, just the way the perils are presented at this point in the story.

This is interesting, as I don’t think anybody has brought this up before! This is also the first couple chapters, so we have yet to see just how much danger Wes is actually in, but you raise a good point that I ought to make that danger a little more present and clear.

Each time Neo and Novo were involved in any scene, they stole the show. I love these two. I love that they love bacon. What's not to love about bacon or a bunch of good floofy Eeveelutions? Putting that aside. it's great that the Pokemon characters here do have defined personalities, which is something I really emphasise when it comes to Pokemon fics. I love how they act as Wes’ moral compass, and that Wes has to reason with them and consider his options because of them. It makes for an interesting dilemma as well as a further display of agency from these two Pokemon. Now who are the real owners in this situation? It was especially interesting that Novo used his hypnosis on Wes to get him to drift off to sleep, and it was used in a creative way with how it’s almost treated as a crutch by Wes, who has to deal with (what I presume to be) PTSD inflicted dreams.

So glad you love the good bois!! Neo and Novo are easily my favorite characters to write, and that probably shows, LOL. (Sorry, Wes and Rui!)

ASDFGHJKL THIS WHOLE EXCHANGE

I was freaking proud of the dialogue here, so this comment brought me LOTS OF JOY

And prom’s just a few hours away!

Also, your commentary might be my favorite, OMG. 😂

The monkeybrain in me likes seeing this sort of relationship chemistry where this gruff guy with a heart of gold meets the bubbly girl who's hiding more than she lets on. Rui's optimistic personality here is a good counterpoint to Wes as well as Orre's dystopian setting, and she does it without being annoying. I just hope she'll get to prove her stripes in the team once she starts her journey to be a Pokemon trainer.

hahahaha JOIN THE CLUB. We love these character dynamics in this house!

Ah! Wow, thank you so much for this unexpected surprise! I’m really honored that you took the time to leave your thoughts here. 💛

It just very slightly peeves me that "sobbing child" is used twice in such quick succession. For variation, I'd change one to "crying". Preferably the latter.
...you know what, I have never noticed that, so I’m really glad you pointed it out, haha! I definitely have a bad habit of repeating words in a paragraph or even a single sentence.

Is it described as a tattoo in the canon? Because I can't figure out how a tattoo can cover up a scar. Face paint I could get, but not a tattoo.

There is, in fact, ZERO explanation for the wacky stripe on his face! So I just came up with a head canon that fit the setting. And—yes! People do actually get tattoos to cover scars all the time irl! Now, it probably wouldn’t look like a clean white stripe, but, eh, that’s not a detail I care to agonize over.


Thanks again for the reviews! Sorry this came SO LATE for many of you. You’re the best, I don’t deserve y’all. 💛
 

Nubushi

しぶい
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. slowpoke-hgss
  2. togekiss-nubushi
Hey, hi! I don’t know if we’ve met before! Very happy to see you here and I really loved your review, thank you!!
You're welcome! And we hadn't met before; I was new to the forum during the Blitz. Sorry to be a one-review wonder and to still have only reviewed the first chapter so far; during the Blitz, I wanted to review as many different authors as possible to try to get to know the community and experience as many different people's writing as possible. But this story is on my radar as one I'd like to get back to reading sooner or later.
 

Seren

Lurking
Staff
Pronouns
He/Him
Partners
  1. sableye
Seren. SEREN.

Can you believe I barely knew who you were when you dropped these reviews?! And you probably barely knew who I was, but you just swooped in outta NOWHERE and dropped lovely, heartfelt, sincere reviews on the WHOLE FREAKING STORY!? Bless you. You have no idea how happy that made me and what that means to me, truly! 💛💜

I’m so freaking glad you love Rui!! I’ve been so worried that I’ve made her extremely annoying so your feedback helped a lot!

As for the names...lol I don’t even know where they came from, they just kinda popped in my head. I...actually had NO idea that their names both mean “new” in Latin until Lux pointed it out? I swear that was totally unintentional, hahaha.

YOU ARE SHOWERING MY FIC WITH LOVE, COMPLETELY UNPROMPTED, YOU DO NOT NEED TO APOLOGIZE HAHA

I actually addressed this more fully in my chapter 3 edits! I’d love to get your thoughts on the edits I’ve made some time—but only if/when you can, of course!

Awww thank you!! That makes me happy. I honestly had it written as a little one-shot more than anything else, and then decided to just plug it in as a chapter because wynaut? Glad you love it!

Yeah you’re not the only one to bring this up, either, so I should maybe make that more clear. Rui has been keeping in touch with her family before this point.

It’s actually a Guardians of Ga’Hoole reference! :veelove:

Gonna reply to these one point at a time~

1. Yeah, we barely knew each other when I read this for the first time, haha. I'm a simple guy with simple interests. I see Orre, I consume! I'm glad it made you happy, though, friend! 💜

2. Nah, Rui is perfect. I mean, I know I'm biased anyway, but I don't think that changes anything in this case. She's far from annoying; she's got that adorable positivity thing going on, while not being overwhelming with it. It comes across as more realistic than someone else may have portrayed her. (Also, I had no idea Neo and Novo meant "new" either until just now, hah! I don't know if that can be related to Wes in any way, but if there is, I'm sure you could come up with something. It could also just not be relevant to the story, too, so it's not necessary to address, I was simply curious.)

3. I'll absolutely go through the edits! After I finish LA, though... I've been meaning to get caught up with that and leave Tetra some reviews too, and just have not had the chance yet. (Did you publish/upload these edits yet? Or are they just done for the future and saved somewhere?)

4. It's a minor detail, really, but considering Rui's personality, and why she went out in the first place, then yeah, just throw in a mention once or twice while Wes is doing something else that Rui appeared to be talking to someone on a phone or something. Easy edit/fix!

5. I have absolutely no idea what Guardians of Ga'Hoole is, but I'll add it to my list of things to check out when I'm all caught up on my reading list.
 

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
Hi hi hi Yellow! Back for more reviewing! I'm aiming to get entirely caught up with this fic this week so I chunked through a lot today! BOY there was a lot packed into these chapters. I know in your review exchange post you said you were mostly just looking for grammatical and technical critiques on earlier chapters, so I tried to stick to that with this review and the line-by-lines.

Overall, I'm vibing with where this story seems to be heading. I empathize so goddamn hard with Wes's annoyance--no good deed goes unpunished? You go for a quick errand and next thing you know, you're a day behind schedule. Nothing ever goes to plan! I almost wanted to laugh every time Wes was like "Okay just this one more thing" and then next thing he knows, he's dealing with a missing Mayor and this crazed Makuhita.

What's really sending me here, though, is the fact that if Wes truly did not give a fuck, he'd have turned away as soon as he saw the door open at the Mayor's house. He'd have been like "Ain't nobody got time for this I got places TO BE bruh" and he'd have noped the fuck away and never looked back. But, uh. That's not actually the case. His rough exterior hides a man who would definitely go out of his way to help, even if reluctant about it. You've established that to a T, and I love.

I really liked how we got some different POV's in chapter 4, too! I was excited to see things from Rui's POV, only for it to switch into Neo and Novo's POV, and I fucking adored Neo's POV, the little ego-maniac.

Technical wise, I got nitpicky and pointed out some repetitions here and there. I also noticed that your writing is very "on-the-nose" in these chapters, if that makes any sense. Like, for example, in the battle scene between Wes and the Makuhita, he thinks to himself "Well that was new!" when it powers through Confusion, and then a couple sentences later, you write something along the lines of "He'd never seen anything like that before." It also comes out a little bit in the dialogue, like when Rui says "I didn't think I'd get that reaction out of you, you being so stoic and all." It's really just a matter of reiterating things that are already blatantly clear by the way these characters are being written. Wes thinking "Well that's new" already tells us he'd never seen anything like it before, and we also don't need Rui to reiterate how stoic Wes is...because believe me, we know LOL!!!

All my other thoughts will be crammed below. Stay tuned for more reviews from me :)

Chapter 3:
"Not for years," she said. She still wore a small smile on her face as she talked. "I was just a kid the last time I was here." Her attention shifted to the Eeveelutions striding at Wes' side. "What are their names?" she asked lightly.
The opening to this paragraph was weird to me, because it seemed like that dialogue was meant to respond to something, like Wes sarcastically asking "How long has it been since you've been here again?"

I know it's mentioned that she constantly brings up how pretty the city is and how it'd been a while since she'd visited, but that particular piece of dialogue felt displaced...if that makes sense 🥲

"Well, you should definitely visit sometime. It's completely different from anywhere else in Orre!"

How would you know?
I really appreciate Wes pointing this out LOL

Wes half expected them to be turned away, but the man simply nodded. He eyed the Umbreon and Espeon at Wes' feet. "No Pokémon indoors here. Security policy." Wes begrudgingly returned his companions to their Pokéballs, and they were escorted through the doors.
Nitpicky, but I feel like this should be divided into three lines.

The man was short—very short—and, like his house, made up for it in terms of width.
I CACKLED, LMFAO

"Wesley Lycas."
Ohhhh I wasn't expecting a full name from him!

Wes didn't trust drinks from strangers,
I'm so excited that he turned down the drink, because when the Mayor called for tea, I thought to myself "Wes's wary ass won't drink tea from a random person" and I WAS RIGHT WOO.

Wes decided it wasn't worth pointing out that she could have deduced this from Neo and Novo's evolutions—Espeon and Umbreon only got their evolutions from bonding with their trainer, after all.
Again, love Wes pointing out Rui's evident dumb logic

Wes saw the long, flowing silver hair and initially thought it was a woman, but as the stranger came closer it was apparent by the square jaw and bulging, muscular figure that it was a man.
Uh, you didn't tell me this was a Final Fantasy crossover, what the FUCK is Sephiroth doing here

Wes took a closer look at her. For all her smiles and cheerfulness, he noticed for the first time that she was still a little pale, and her fingers were shaky as she fidgeted with her necklace. "You haven't eaten."
YES GET YOUR WIFE SOME FOOD, BOY

The waiter turned to Rui, but she also shook her head. "Not today, thank you."

The waiter left, and Wes narrowed his eyes at her. "Are you even old enough to drink?"
Starting two sentences in close proximity with the same words just made this a lil' clunky.

"Are you even old enough to drink?"

Rui nearly choked on her fries. "Wha—excuse me?" she asked indignantly as soon as she could speak, "I'll have you know, I'm well over eighteen!"

He raised an eyebrow. "By what, a few months?"

Rui huffed at him. "I'm twenty-one, Wes."
SCREAMING only because Odette and Clovis have the same fucking interaction :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO: I love this, A%, give me more of Wes forgetting Rui's actually legal.

with you being so stoic and all,
As I mentioned above, this was just very on-the-nose dialogue, and I think you could swap this out for something less obvious. Like "I didn't think you knew how to make other expressions" or something really stupid and sarcastic like that

Chapter 4:
Wes would probably scoff at her for it, but she hated even thinking of Noctis ruins. They were a bad omen.
well now you HAVE to go to the Noctis ruins.

Surely Wes hadn't dragged her out here with ill intentions...?
Yes, good on you Rui. You see a rusty railcar and automatically think "murder."

"Who's this, your mail-order girlfriend?"
THAT WAS FUCKING RUDE LOL

She couldn't help but notice that the golden rays of the setting sun matched his eyes.
Just tell him you love him, get it over with

Rui couldn't help but notice a variety of faint scars across his arms and shoulders.
Rui couldn't help but smile a little herself.
Rui couldn't help but wonder if there even was anything to see out there.
Also, this phrase gets repeated a number of times in this chapter.

"I don't give out my number to people I don't know. Sorry."

"Oh?" She cocked her head at him, a smile dancing across her face. "You don't give out your number to strangers, but you'll rescue them from kidnappers, escort them around the city, and give them food and a place to stay for the night?"
I mean...FACTS.

Wes had a suspicion that it had to do with the fact that she was always showering him with attention and praise whenever the Espeon so much as looked at her.
This was another very on-the-nose exposition that really stuck out to me. I think you'd already mentioned previously, in her POV, that Rui liked to give Neo affection. That's really all the readers need!

Neo's only response was to blink smugly at his trainer before sauntering ahead, tail held high.
Mfw Neo knows more about Wes than Wes does. However, I am wondering how one "blinks smugly"? I think you could try "batted his eyes teasingly" as that's the imagery I got.

Chapter 5:
No, I’m not, Wes thought with annoyance. He felt ready to sock the next person who needed a favor in the jaw. He wanted to get. Out. Of. Here.
Yes, you are. But, I also feel you bro.

Wes could see that the lights were out inside,
He hastily followed her inside with Neo and Novo at his heels.
These sentences were right next to each other, and I think one of these "insides" could go.

Wes noticed the tea set that had been used to serve them yesterday was smashed into pieces on the floor.
This ONLY struck me as weird because I feel like the butler would have put the tea set away after they left. But this is super nitpicky LOL.

Afro Hair was apparently talking to someone else as he entered. His high, nasally voice carried a lilting accent that was almost as obnoxious as the fluff on his head.
This was the BEST SENTENCE in the chapter, ten stars on Yelp.

The Eeveelutions acknowledged their orders with a bark
"The Eeveelutions acknowledged their orders with barks."

“Rui - Rui!” Wes shouted, sitting up and trying to put some distance between him and the Makuhita. “The bag! Give me the bag!”



“Wh-what?”

“Just give it to me!”
This GIANT line break, not sure if it was intentional.

Never, not once, had he seen a Pokemon behave in such a way before...
On the nose.

“Because he broke one of their rules...I don’t know all the details.” Wes ran a hand through his hair. “I just know that they killed his team and made him watch before they killed him.” Anger started to rise in his chest. Horrifying images, ones that plagued his nightmares, began to flicker across his mind. He shook his head and pushed them back as he took another deep breath.
Ohhhh good good! I wanted some more insight into that dream sequence!
 

IFBench

Rescue Team Member
Location
Pokemon Paradise
Partners
  1. chikorita-saltriv
  2. bench-gen
  3. charmander
  4. snivy
  5. treecko
  6. tropius
  7. arctozolt
  8. wartortle
  9. zorua
I'm here for chapter 10!

The first section was a cute breather after the intensity of the last chapter. Duking's kids are adorable, and their interactions with Neo and Novo were just precious.

Duking's not-so-subtle disdain for Wes shows pretty well that, even with Wes helping them, he is not happy with this situation. The shadow Pokemon predicament must be really bad if he's willing to put up with Wes living in his own home for the sake of stopping this. Well, not quite in his own home, since Wes and Rui are living in the cave connected to Duking's home, but still.

Speaking of the cave, since the entrance to the cave is behind a bookshelf in Duking's office, it seems that neither Wes or Rui will be able to leave without him noticing, at least most of the time. Very interesting! I'm guessing that's going to come into play at some point.

The section with Maku is really interesting! I really like how Maku is almost indistinguishable from a normal Pokemon, besides the aura, the blank eyes, and some odd behavior. It makes sense why a lot of people don't even know they exist.

The naming scene was funny. I laughed at the "Yama" bit. Nice to see Wes has at least a bit of a sense of humor!

Huh, Maku is able to feel hope and disappointment! Very interesting! Also she needs hugs.

I really like how the next two sections are both from the Pokemon's perspectives! It gives a very good insight into the mindset of these two poor Pokemon.

Kohna is absolutely precious and I want to hug her. She's probably my favorite of Wes' shadow Pokemon so far. Seems like she got abused really badly as a shadow Pokemon, to the point she can't believe someone is actually being kind to her. She feels so guilty about even the possibility of accidentally hurting someone. She needs hugs. So many hugs.

Nani needs hugs too, though I think she might claw at the hugger afterwards. She seems to have responded differently than the others to being abused, rather than becoming almost completely emotionless like Maku or becoming filled with anxiety and fear like Kohna, she became rather aggressive and self-isolating, thinking in terms of strength instead of emotions. Very interesting.

Oh dear. Looks like the Bayleef got it the worst of them all. I shudder to think of what horrible things happened to him before Wes snagged him.

I really like how they're spending time trying to interact with the shadow Pokemon, despite the possible risks. That's great to see.

Overall, an excellent chapter, showing both Duking's family, and some very interesting insight on Wes' shadow Pokemon. I look forward to reading more!
 

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
Heyyyy, I have returned! I'm catching up! Today I'm back with reviews for 6 and 7!

Okay, WOW. Seven has to be my favorite chapter so far. There was a level of angsty darkness to it that I was just obsessed with--from the atmosphere of the ruins, to talking about the Noctis disease, to Wes's dream sequence. Everything about it was pretty masterfully crafted, I couldn't really find much to pick apart about it. Some technical things here and there that I mention in the line-by-lines, but other than that, it was a fantastic chapter. The bits of world-building, all that jazz.

I've never played Colo, but is it like, canon in the game that Orre had a nuclear war with Johto and that's why it's Like That(TM)? I fucking loved that so much. I'm gonna assume you came up with that, it just seems like something that would come out of your brain, and it's so goddamn good.

I also have to assume that the Noctis disease is something you came up with? I both do and don't put it past Pokemon to include something like that in their games, but this plague-like illness seems almost too dark. Nonetheless, it's brilliant. I love that sort of shit; the looming plague. Although it seems like it's already passed over the region, I am wondering if it'll rear its head in the future???? My conspiracy theorist ass brain was really hanging onto the fact that Wes was like "I've stayed in the ruins before, do I look sick????" and it has me thinking.......does he get sick?? Even worse, does Rui get sick??? Even WORSE WORSE, do Neo or Novo get sick???? (idk if Pokemon can catch it I'm just spitballing here). I don't know, but the concept of this plague was just super interesting.

Also THE DREAM SEQUENCE. THE. DREAM. SEQUENCE. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED AT THE END THERE??? Was that his dad??? I'm going to assume that the bloody guy was Wes's dad and he was lying when he said he doesn't remember his parents. I'm sticking to this until you slap me with the canon reasons about why that's wrong.

I also REALLY loved the battle scene from chapter 6, like WOW. Just when you had us thinking Rui's brashness hadn't gotten them into anymore trouble, they're nearly blasted away by these dudebros at the gate with their sus shadow mons. I DO have to wonder where the Mayor is though. They have to be holding him hostage or something. Clearly these strange shadowy figures (I assume to be Cipher? That's what they're called?) are behind that lockdown. Wild times. I'm so fucking hooked bro.

If I didn't have two catnip reviews to do I'd probably binge the rest of this because I'm so excited to see where this ends up, considering I'm still like eighty two chapters behind. I will be back!

Chapter 6:
She couldn’t help but
but she couldn’t help but
You were a lot better about this phrase in this chapter, but these two happened to occur in very close succession.

They each wore distinctly colored uniforms
I only marked this because it read a little weird after you mentioned specifically how the guy with the megaphone was dressed. You then go on to distinctly describe how each of them are dressed in the subsequent paragraphs, so you could probs delete this entirely

Rui then made a prompt decision and approached the man with the megaphone.
God fucking dammit, Rui.

We are so, so dead.
Good shit. But also, uh oh.

he looked thoroughly pissed.
A lil' bit more of that on-the-noseness. I got the vibe he was pissed just from the way he responded to her, but if you really wanted to get further into JUST how angry he was, describe his whole expression. How his lips curled back over his teeth in a snarl, how his eyes shone with white hot rage....all that jazz.

And Wes just caught another one like him! Merciful Arceus -
Another on-the-nose thought from Rui--you could try having her think "What the hell is he doing catching ANOTHER one of those things?!"

Crack!

The ominous sound rang out like a gunshot. The Quilava reappeared in a burst of white light, snarling with dark fury. The flames roaring from its neck and tail contrasted starkly with the black cloud of aura around it.
AND I OPE---
Just when I thought the fight couldn't get any more intense, this shit happens. Brilliant work writing this scene.

Chapter 7:

Noctis. He'd been so young when the mysterious illness swept through Orre and devastated its population, but he'd heard the stories plenty of times from older adults at Snagem. They spoke of its effects, how it turned one's skin as white as a sheet and blackened their eyes and veins until they looked like a corpse, how the seizures and screams of agony would last for hours, sometimes days, before death took them.
THIS! IS! SO! NEAT!! Please tell me Rui gets Noctis, and on her borderline death bed Wes confesses his love to her only for them to suddenly find the cure and she's fine and they kiss and embrace and it's all fine and dandy. I need this in my life.

The nuclear war with Johto seventy years earlier had already ensured that the area wouldn't be suitable for wild Pokémon for many years - if ever again - and many people speculated that the nuclear after effects on the population were a big factor in the massive Noctis death toll.
THIS IS ALSO VERY NEAT. The world-building in this chapter is fantastic, good shit my dude.

"I don't care who you are, Wesley Lycas, nobody dislocates their shoulder and then walks it off." Rui huffed and folded her arms. "So take the stupid pills already."
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOO THIS BITCH JUST MOMMED HIM, WE LOVE TO SEE IT. Yes Rui, force the meds down your mans throat.

Wes shook his head and popped the bottle open with a grumble. "You're unbelievable."

"Thank you."

"That wasn't a compliment."

"I'm aware."
This banter was A% please write more

he'd Snagged not one, but four Pokémon.
Idk why I just liked Snagged being capitalized here, just the way it implies that "Snagged" is like this big big thing somebody does (which it is in this world lolololol)

But a tiny part of him whispered that maybe, just maybe, he'd been afraid to leave behind something that had been so integral to his identity for so many years.

He hated that thought almost as much as he hated Snagem itself.
This bit of character building is ALSO A% like wow. This was so good.

And the boy knew what that meant. He had hesitated, had made a costly mistake. Hesitation meant fear. Fear meant weakness.

And weakness meant death.
GOD as sad as this shit was, I want to see more of Wes's time at Snagem. Because it sounded terrible. And I love that shit. GIVE.
 

HelloYellow17

Gym Leader
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. suicune
  2. umbreon
  3. mew
  4. lycanroc-wes
  5. leafeon-rui
Gonna be a little more on top of replying to reviews this time! LOL

Also, Canis....I totally forgot that I'd already replied to your review and went and quoted a bunch of things before I remembered, LOL. But eyy I'm gonna reply because I have more to say now that I'm not overwhelmed by replying to 12 reviews at once!

It just very slightly peeves me that "sobbing child" is used twice in such quick succession. For variation, I'd change one to "crying". Preferably the latter.
GAH this is SUCH a bad habit of mine, I always appreciate it when people point this out because I don't even notice it when writing it.

disease-ridden? hmm
HMMMM INDEED
It's unfortunate that this is out of your control, because him wearing the Snag Machine wherever he goes is pretty risky when it's something that sticks out so much even if the people don't know what it is. Although you could try to tie this in with the "weird Orre fashion"?
Yeah I wrote a comment kind of tying it into Orre fashion--because let's be real, Orre fashion is WACK--but perhaps I ought to address it a little more directly.
ooooo skarmory shiv
Skarmory shiiiiiv!
tell me where shaking the hand of a complete stranger that just walked up to you is rude so i can never go there
LOL you and Wes would get along well I think
Does the Uproar not affect the trainers? I didn't spot if that was addressed.
Huh, didn't think of that, I'll make a note!
It feels kinda weird to me that they wouldn't ask for something sharp to cut the knife very soon after the knot turned out to be more than trivial. I also wanted the story to bring up Wes's skarmory knife because it seemed like a great solution, even if he'd end up not using it because knives were frowned upon or something.
LOL this is definitely a remnant of edits haha. Wes' knife was added in after the fact so I totally missed this detail
Mew makes a lot more sense for a deity here (and it's less of an effort to say), but combined with Arceus it just gets weirder because then I have to ask what role Mew has in the Sinnohan Mt. Coronet religion. It also just feels like it's on a very different tier, being a little kitten with some psychic powers next to a universe-creating god-kirin.

Bringing attention to Celebi as a weird deity also implies that the Mew-Arceus religion has been spread so wide so long that swearing by their names has become mostly empty words and mundane phrases. This raises more worldbuilding questions that I feel aren't going to be addressed due to religion not being central to the story, and so it just remains as an annoyance that draws me out of the story each time.
You would be right about the use of Mew and Arceus’ names being widespread and often used as empty phrases even by people who aren’t religious! It is something that will be briefly addressed but I don’t plan to focus on it too much.

You're welcome! And we hadn't met before; I was new to the forum during the Blitz. Sorry to be a one-review wonder and to still have only reviewed the first chapter so far; during the Blitz, I wanted to review as many different authors as possible to try to get to know the community and experience as many different people's writing as possible. But this story is on my radar as one I'd like to get back to reading sooner or later.
No worries, take your time! This story will still be here :)

2. Nah, Rui is perfect. I mean, I know I'm biased anyway, but I don't think that changes anything in this case. She's far from annoying; she's got that adorable positivity thing going on, while not being overwhelming with it. It comes across as more realistic than someone else may have portrayed her. (Also, I had no idea Neo and Novo meant "new" either until just now, hah! I don't know if that can be related to Wes in any way, but if there is, I'm sure you could come up with something. It could also just not be relevant to the story, too, so it's not necessary to address, I was simply curious.)
I could maybe come up with some sort of symbolism and pretend I brilliantly planned it from the beginning LOL
Ah I’m always so glad to know people like Rui!! She’s great 💛
4. It's a minor detail, really, but considering Rui's personality, and why she went out in the first place, then yeah, just throw in a mention once or twice while Wes is doing something else that Rui appeared to be talking to someone on a phone or something. Easy edit/fix!
I’ll keep this in mind for edits in the later chapters!
5. I have absolutely no idea what Guardians of Ga'Hoole is, but I'll add it to my list of things to check out when I'm all caught up on my reading list.
It’s been so long ago that I’ve read them I can’t even tell you much about them except that they were written for a younger audience, but they were still really enjoyable! But I was also like 12 the last time I read them lol

What's really sending me here, though, is the fact that if Wes truly did not give a fuck, he'd have turned away as soon as he saw the door open at the Mayor's house. He'd have been like "Ain't nobody got time for this I got places TO BE bruh" and he'd have noped the fuck away and never looked back. But, uh. That's not actually the case. His rough exterior hides a man who would definitely go out of his way to help, even if reluctant about it. You've established that to a T, and I love.
Hahahaha YEP you nailed it. He cares way more than he’d like to admit
The opening to this paragraph was weird to me, because it seemed like that dialogue was meant to respond to something, like Wes sarcastically asking "How long has it been since you've been here again?"

I know it's mentioned that she constantly brings up how pretty the city is and how it'd been a while since she'd visited, but that particular piece of dialogue felt displaced...if that makes sense 🥲
I’ll have to go back and take a look at this, but I believe she was answering Wes’ question?
I CACKLED, LMFAO
THANKYOU I WAS REALLY PROUD OF THIS LINE
Uh, you didn't tell me this was a Final Fantasy crossover, what the FUCK is Sephiroth doing here
heh, SURPRISE

Starting two sentences in close proximity with the same words just made this a lil' clunky.
Oh man I have such a bad habit of this, thanks for pointing it out!
SCREAMING only because Odette and Clovis have the same fucking interaction :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO: I love this, A%, give me more of Wes forgetting Rui's actually legal.
THEY REALLY DO LOL
Also, this phrase gets repeated a number of times in this chapter.
Oh man this is probably another remnant of edits. Using that phrase while editing because I didn’t realize it was already in the chapter a couple times lol

Speaking of the cave, since the entrance to the cave is behind a bookshelf in Duking's office, it seems that neither Wes or Rui will be able to leave without him noticing, at least most of the time. Very interesting! I'm guessing that's going to come into play at some point.
It’s very true, there would be lots of hurdles to get over haha
The section with Maku is really interesting! I really like how Maku is almost indistinguishable from a normal Pokemon, besides the aura, the blank eyes, and some odd behavior. It makes sense why a lot of people don't even know they exist.
I’m kind of torn on this, to be honest! I want the shadow Pokémon to stand out but still have their own personalities and it’s been tough to balance the two.
I really like how the next two sections are both from the Pokemon's perspectives! It gives a very good insight into the mindset of these two poor Pokemon.
Pokémon POV is so fun!!

Also THE DREAM SEQUENCE. THE. DREAM. SEQUENCE. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED AT THE END THERE??? Was that his dad??? I'm going to assume that the bloody guy was Wes's dad and he was lying when he said he doesn't remember his parents. I'm sticking to this until you slap me with the canon reasons about why that's wrong.
Hmm very interesting theories! 😉 All I can say is...keep reading!
I've never played Colo, but is it like, canon in the game that Orre had a nuclear war with Johto and that's why it's Like That(TM)? I fucking loved that so much. I'm gonna assume you came up with that, it just seems like something that would come out of your brain, and it's so goddamn good.

I also have to assume that the Noctis disease is something you came up with? I both do and don't put it past Pokemon to include something like that in their games, but this plague-like illness seems almost too dark. Nonetheless, it's brilliant. I love that sort of shit; the looming plague. Although it seems like it's already passed over the region, I am wondering if it'll rear its head in the future???? My conspiracy theorist ass brain was really hanging onto the fact that Wes was like "I've stayed in the ruins before, do I look sick????" and it has me thinking.......does he get sick?? Even worse, does Rui get sick??? Even WORSE WORSE, do Neo or Novo get sick???? (idk if Pokemon can catch it I'm just spitballing here). I don't know, but the concept of this plague was just super interesting.
Haha there is ZERO info on why Orre is...the way it is. It’s just a desert with no Pokémon and there’s no canon explanation for it! So the war and virus were from yours truly.

okay I am LOVING your theories about the virus, hehe. I can’t say much but I DO have plans with it and they are juicy!
THIS! IS! SO! NEAT!! Please tell me Rui gets Noctis, and on her borderline death bed Wes confesses his love to her only for them to suddenly find the cure and she's fine and they kiss and embrace and it's all fine and dandy. I need this in my life
Ahahahaha I LOVE THAT YOU LOVE ANGST. I don’t have any plans for this specific scenario you proposed, but BOY DO I HAVE ANGSTY PLANS. BUCKLE UP BECAUSE IT’S GONNA BE A WILD RIDE OKAY
This banter was A% please write more
I love writing banter!!! And I’m very happy that you liked it!
Idk why I just liked Snagged being capitalized here, just the way it implies that "Snagged" is like this big big thing somebody does (which it is in this world lolololol)
I do too! I’m honestly torn on it being capitalized though, idk
GOD as sad as this shit was, I want to see more of Wes's time at Snagem. Because it sounded terrible. And I love that shit. GIVE.
As I said before...

huge thanks for all your reviews and feedback! They are so helpful and I love hearing your thoughts!
 

AbraPunk

Cosmic Guardian
Location
The Circle
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. luxio
I told you I'd review this because of Mafia! :veelove:

(Also, I've never played Pokemon Colosseum, and have almost no knowledge of it besides that there's shadow pokemon.)
It would only take a brief view of the landscape to see why. The desert region sprawled for miles, seemingly without end, with little to no life in sight. The sun blazed down mercilessly on the copper sands as the winds whistled aimlessly across them. The only sign of life was the occasional tumbleweed that rolled lazily on by.
Ooh, this is a really good description of the area!
BOOOOM!

An earth-rending explosion shattered the stillness
Directed by Michael Bay! (joking)
a beat-up motorcycle parked on the desert sand. He sprang nimbly onto the seat, revved the engine,
Because every Cool Guy has a motorcycle.
Espeon had already charged up a Psybeam and fired it at his foe.
Not like that would do much, I mean, Steel resists Psychic...
the bird tumbling out of the sky and down to the sands below.
Oh.
old Western music hummed from an outdoor speaker.
For whatever reason, I've never really thought of the idea (fact?) that music actually exists in the pokemon world. Huh.
Again, he thought shakily. Again. When in Arceus' name will they stop
Hmm... Colosseum is a gen 3 game, right? So how would Wes know of Arceus, a gen 4 mon?


Overall, this was very good! I can't wait to keep reading.
 

Adamhuarts

Mew specialist
Partners
  1. mew-adam
  2. celebi-shiny
  3. roserade-adam
So, I finally gave OSAS a try today and for today I've only delved into the first chapter so far.

First off I want to say I know next to nothing about Orre games or their characters. In fact the only other version of Wes I know is from a oneshot Chibi made a while back. As such, this fic will paint most of the picture of what Wes will be in my head and I'll never have any idea how faithful or divergent his characterization will be from the games.

In terms of the chapter's actual content though, I don't think there's much I need to say about it. By now you've heard every different angle of feedback you could get about it, but I'll still share my general thoughts at the very least.

I think this first chapter is a very good opening to the story as a whole. It didn't take too long for us to know what kind of person Wes is and the fact that he's messing with an organization while being a fugitive to them. The dream sequence also tells us that he's a man with a dark and traumatic past he's still trying to get through. The eeveelution duo are cute and distinct from one another. I like their relationship with Wes as well.

Overall I think this chapter does a good job easing readers into the narrative and I'd like to come back to this fic some other time and see where it goes.
 

canisaries

you should've known the price of evil
Location
Stovokor
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. inkay-shirlee
  2. houndoom-elliot
  3. yamask-joanna
  4. shuppet
  5. deerling-andre
Hey there! It's been a while, but I've come back for Chapter 3. Here are my thoughts.

Sunlight streamed down on the whitewashed streets

damn, hollywood got there before they did

"There have been rumors of wild Pokémon sightings around the area up north, so he thinks they might be migrating back into the region!"

This was interesting to me. I don't remember if it was specifically said in the game(s) that Orre doesn't have wild Pokémon, but if not, that's a cool way of interpreting the lack of Pokémon catching in the games. Hearing they're coming "back" also adds intrigue about the history of the region. (In TPP, there was lore that Orre became a wasteland because it got nuked. #NukeOrre real??)

a tall, crisply dressed man

I read this as "crispy" as first and just imagined a man with a suit made of fried chicken. Wes was right, Orre fashion is weird.

Of course, the bright banner that stretched across the pillars and read "MAYOR ES-CADE WELCOMES YOU!" was also a slight giveaway.

The hyphen made the name look very strange to me, so I looked it up and the name indeed has a space instead of a hyphen in the game. Different spelling of canon names doesn't bother me at all, but I'm curious as to why you made this change. Just personal preference?

and to their right was a handful of plush couches.

plush couches, little couches for your plushies

Wes had never seen the mayor personally before, and quickly surmised that he hadn't missed out on much. The man was short—very short—and, like his house, made up for it in terms of width. He was as round as a Jigglypuff, with a puffy mustache and bushy eyebrows to match. His head, though mostly bald, sported two large tufts of gray hair on each side.

*points at mayor like an ape* big chungus

"I'm Rui, sir. Rui Everlin."

"but Netflix calls me Louie"

"Wes." The mayor continued to look at him, as if expecting more, so he sighed. "Wesley Lycas."

with a name like that he better turn out to be a werewolf

And the way it battled was...horrible. It really looked like it wanted to kill the other Pokémon.

whoa
badass!

While not every Pokémon was willing to kill, there were plenty more that were either eager enough or desperate enough to do so. It was certainly not unheard of, and something that was all too common in Orre's crime rings.

But don't Pokémon in the wild kill each other for food? I know it's established that Orre doesn't have wild Pokémon, but wherever the other Pokémon come from must have some come from the wilderness. Or does training always do away with a Pokémon's predatory urges?

Someone was heading their way. Whoever this person was, they were massively tall, dwarfing every other passerby on the street. Wes saw the long, flowing silver hair and initially thought it was a woman, but as the stranger came closer it was apparent by the square jaw and bulging, muscular figure that it was a man. But the hair was not what kept his attention; there was something visibly wrong with him.

On the initial read, I wondered how Wes would first notice and make assumptions based on someone's hair before their entire body silhouette, but this made a lot more sense when I actually saw the design of the character in question - I'd thought of someone with a Bodybuilder physique instead of Nascour's strange hourglass figure. For the other readers unfamiliar with this guy (and the ones that don't recognize him yet), it would be good to establish that feminine body plan by mentioning a narrow waist and wide hips.

and a crisply dressed nurse

guess who imagined a KFC suit again

"It's because you're short," he said bluntly.

haha based

Wakin, Gonzap's second-in-command, had always loved to dole out the punishments himself whenever he could.

Wakin sounds like what someone who'd never seen the name Joaquin written down would spell the name like. That has nothing to do with this fic. Okay moving on

Wes' mind raced. He scrambled to think of a way to get out of this city without setting off Rui's suspicions. He certainly couldn't tell her what was going on, nor could he merely bolt away—what if she started calling after him? Caused a scene? Drew attention from those menacing voices across the street…?

A crazy, half-baked idea occurred to him, and he tightened his grip on Rui's arm as he looked back at her again. She was apparently oblivious to the conversation taking place across the street. She seemed much more concerned with Wes' odd behavior and his grip on her arm. He decided to take a chance on her naivety.

The narration does go a bit into why Wes doesn't want Rui to notice the bad guys, but I was still left thinking that the most convenient way out would have been to tell her those guys were troublemakers without going into anything Snagem-related - just say he'd seen them around and that they're never pleasant.

---

I'm really enjoying the dynamic between Wes and Rui. The typical character to pair off with a friendly, bubbly one is a sarcastic eye-rolling asshole, which can often come off as meanspirited or forcefully comedic, so a character who is blunt and stoic but not mean is a wonderful change of pace. I also found these interactions made me like Wes more than I did when he was mostly brooding alone. I guess you could say Rui brings out his good side.

That does it for my thoughts. I'm enjoying this a lot so far and plan to continue reading, but you can already tell it can take me a while to get to it. Hopefully it won't take as long next time.

See you around!
 
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