Welcome to Thousand Roads! You're welcome to view discussions or read our stories without registering, but you'll need an account to join in our events, interact with other members, or post one of your own fics. Why not become a member of our community? We'd love to have you!
Quick review time! Wow! I have to say this story has improved greatly since I last read it. I absolutely love the revisions you made. The dialogue feels very good and colloquial, very natural. I also deeply adore the choice to rewrite the final battle, and replace it with a match against Dorien. It cranked up the tension, moved the plot along and revealed character. Fantastic decision.
Dorien came off annoying and crreeepy as heck, good job.
This chapter felt very clean, very concise and purposeful. Also the brief insights into shiny trade are fascinating. Can't wait to see how this will be expanded, as well as whatever the heck Dorien's deal is. (I hope he gets serious comeuupance).
“Conkeldurr, I have a battle snack for you,” he said darkly as the large Pokemon manifested from its ball. It looked to have the same exact smirk
Dorien was wearing just moments before. But that’s not what Odette was hung on at this moment.
Something about the way he said it sent a chill up her back. Did nobody catch that? Did nobody find that concerning? She thought back to the
case she’d read about the drugged out Coalossal eating a Vaporeon mid-battle
Great chapter! Very clever too, scooting past the battle scene by having Odette wreck him. Pulls double duty lol, saving you from writing a battle and advancing the story as a whole. Why did Dorien let her win? What's he playing at?
I do wanna praise how weirdly and sometimes darkly FUNNY this fic is. Like, it starts with:
Then there's the Cats references (similarly handled to how I do pop culture refrences, heh) and the yaoi fangirl Sylveon andthe Pokemon type argument and it's good shit.
If this humorous undercurrent isn't intentional, I',m not sure. But I do think you shopuld roll with it. Especially since you're setting up some cool darker stuff with Team Engima and Odette's personal baggage that will be intresting to see unfold coupled with the prologue.
This is shaping up to be a fun fic! Hoping to loop around for more.
Aaand we're back on Wall Street! Here for that Chappy 2 Review!
All in all, this chapter was good. You've got some strong scene-setting going on, and I love your human dialogue! Noel and Odette definitely have the musical theatre friendship I've seen a million times, and they both feel very alive!
I have lots of thoughts on Odette's actions, though. We've definitely been set up for some sorta "she is possessed by a demon" angle, but still, bravo to Noel for sticking it out through her rages. We get an indicator that these may be a daily occurrence (Odette nabbing a bottle of water for the road), and tbh he has amazing cool for someone that had a fist in their face a minute ago.
On that, perhaps they are generally just kinda "high stakes living" people, given that Odette is content to cycle on slick roads without a helmet. I see that a lot in actors, too. High drama and high risk is just how they exist, so that sort of thing (which to me makes me anxious af; I had an actor friend who would pretend to punch me a lot and it suuuucked) is fun to them, or at least normal.
I don't wanna dig too far into this --- not entirely sure the level of crit you were looking for in a review swap --- however, given the absolute mania presented by Odette's team, I think there's a version of this chapter with a safer ride home but where Odette flies into one of her paranormal rages because of her team.
Speaking of the team, I loved them, and all of their zaniness! I think perhaps a little more specificity would benefit you here, especially wrt their dialogue. I have the sneaking suspicion that you initially wrote them all with words, then replaced those words with noises. Which isn't a bad thing at all! But I know from experience it makes me forget to write the jist of what they're getting at into their actions afterward.
Generally, my line notes will be about editing. Simple tweaks, typos, repetition, etc., so if the volume scares you off a little, my bad! I'll tuck them away under a spoiler tag.
"When the smell of the rain-washed pavement/ Comes up clean, and fresh, and cold"
- "My Time of Day" from Guys and Dolls
As a theatre nut reading a story with musical theatre in it, I would have loved to have seen this lyric paraphrased in this moment. It's all I could think of while I read it :P Your scene-setting here was great!
Ooooh, interesting! I love the idea of full-blown customization when it comes to Pokeballs, so I'm excited to see where else this leads --- and that this deviates a bit from the common "they can always hear me in the ball" trope.
Ehhhh, I think the question mark prior covers what this sentence is trying to tell us. I think there might also be a more succinct word for the mood I know you're trying to describe here. Sassed? "Noel asked, clearly rhetorical."?
This felt a little confusing wrt the source of the smoke ("and were releasing plumes of ash" or something similar would help), but I also don't know where they are in relation to the Chandelure itself. Are they coming from within? Are they (heaven forbid) on the floor?
This is a speed review and I'm at work so I won't go super critique. Even so I thought this chapter was quite good! I really enjoyed it and I think the pacing is moving nicely. The tone across chapters feels consistent and each chapter reveals a little more about the world, Odette and this mystery happening.
I think you do a good job capturing an atmosphere And even though this isn’t a fast paced action story, everything feels relevant, which is impressive. I sometimes feel like a slow paced tale is harder than a super fast one (not always true but hey whatever). The point is, its good.
“Three,” they said in unison, before pulling the stacked cookies apart. They both eyed the pieces with the cream filling still squished against them. Odette frowned when she saw that this particular piece was very stingy on the filling.
“Mine’s small,” she whined.
“Mine takes up the whole thing,” Bernard grinned. He flashed the cookie to her, and the filling circle indeed covered it almost entirely to the edge. “I win.” He then bit into it.
Odette slumped against the back of her chair, taking a reluctant bite of hers. “Law enforcement’s luck,” she grumbled. “I’ll get you next time.”
I adore the little moments like this. They add character and really make them feel like people, not just plot objects. I feel like I sometimes struggle with that. This was sweet though, plus it shows that Odette and Bernard are close.
She glanced back at her grandfather, and took notice at the way his demeanor had changed. Eyes slightly narrowed, shoulders somewhat tense, hand on his computer keyboard. He was in his information gathering mode, it seemed. It made her feel at least a little better that he was listening to her in the slightest.
“And he said something off,” she continued. “He sent out his Conkeldurr and he said…” She shut her eyes, willing the words he’d said to return to her memory. “Something like ‘I have a snack for you.’ And he wasn’t kidding, he said it like he meant it. And all I could think about was the--”
“The Vaporeon and the Coalossal battle case,” Bernard finished.
THANK YOU for actually having her grandpa take her seriously. I feel like I've seen tropes similar to this in mainstream media where the character gets dismissed even though there's no reason to, just to create artificial drama and plot. Good move. Makes their relationship actually have meaning and feel reasonable.
Also I award you +50 bonus points for having Odette not keep tons of secrets about everything from Bernard. Sure she's not telling him everything but it'd feel pretty fake if he didn't know about her anger 'problem'. Nice move. I'm glad she's able to discuss this somewhat openly, yet also still feel like a human who probably doesn't want to spill everything. Nice balance.
Granted, she’d only meant to twist his arm until he cried ‘uncle’ but she just...got too overzealous. She’d only grabbed him in the first place because he kicked a poor wild Bidoof for walking off with the playground kickball.
Ugh I am so sorry it’s taken me so long to come back to this story, reviewing has definitely been on a back burner for a while with all my other projects, but I am determined to get back into it!! And YO, I freaking adored everything about this chapter. I genuinely don’t have much crit to give, so most of this is just pure gushing, heh.
The victim, 25-year-old Gervais Morel, was found unconscious in his car. His pokemon, a Simisear, attempted to take a firearm from one of the first responders, and was subsequently gunned down. The Simisear was later found to have lethal amounts of sacrilege in his system. The Lumiose City PD declined to--
I’m sorry, WHAT? Nani the eff?! “Sacrilege”? Lol why does that sound so cultish hahaha. Oh man that totally fits the vibe of the story so far, too. I’m suuuure this won’t ever be brought up again. Yep. Totally irrelevant, certainly.
“I might be noticing a pattern here. Sacrilege seems to be traveling around the top one percent,” Noel added. He began to examine his nails dramatically, as if he were proud of this little observation.
I am in love with the way you sprinkle in little actions and body language among the dialogue. It makes it feel much more real and brings the whole scene to life! Chefs kiss
In one police report she had read, an older woman had to be rushed to the hospital because she’d eaten so much food her stomach had actually exploded. Another case mentioned a trainer being arrested when they instructed their drugged-up Coalossal to eat the opposing trainer’s Vaporeon during a battle tournament.
Tiiiny nitpick here: a handful of your sentences could be shortened by cutting out some passive language, such as these sentences here. For example: “All the users started calling the drug sacrilege. Soon, they were also claiming they were getting it from a group called Team Enigma.”
honestly, this is the nitpickiest of nitpicks so don’t stress about it too much! I just thing these little changes will help your sentences flow a little smoother.
It was there that the sound of scurrying paws approached behind her. Something began to tug at her leg, and she looked down to find her blue-hued Sylveon shooting a droopy-eyed stare at her. A folded piece of yellow legal pad paper dangled between her teeth.
Oh, Odette caught her? I was of the impression that she got her as a gift or from a breeder or something, since Eevees are pretty rare. Curious!
Also, LOL “she likes pretty gay men.” 😂
This run of Purrloins! The Musical was sold out for the opening night. Odette began to imagine how the house would look that day, filled to the brim with those eager patrons of the arts, waiting to be entertained by some of the most talented performers in the region.
It’d been almost a year since she last stepped out on stage as a performer. She thought picking up a job as a crew worker would help her edge back into it; make her realize she missed it. But every time she thought about it, she thought about that thing that happened. She thought about those words, and where his hands went.
“Psychic types are ideal,” said one of the dancers. “They can sense the feelings of the audience, and therefore know when to play up their performances.” For good measure, she stroked her Hatterene on her chin, causing her to coo in glee. “Calliope here has been in a bunch of performances with me; she’s a natural.”
“I get what you’re saying, but you can’t knock Ice types either,” responded one of the stagehands. His freshly hatched Swinub sat snugly in his lap, fast asleep. “They’re absolutely glorious to look at onstage.”
“Okay, but Electric types can literally bring a house down. My Luxray has a voice to end all other singers. He’s something,” another responded. Her Luxray was laid out next to her, enjoying his own lunch. He seemed bashful at the idea of his trainer boasting about him, so he hid his head behind a paw.
Oh I wasn’t going to say much,” Noel answered. “I was just going to bitch that all my friends are moving away.” He sniffled and ran his finger under his eye, as if wiping away tears. He sniffled dramatically. “First Claude, the Basile, then my sister, now you. Who am I going to hide behind when Acadia yells at me for drinking too much wine?”
:( :( :( sad relatable noises, ugh. On the one hand I totally understand the frustration of “why can’t I just freaking function,” but also, she’s clearly been through something traumatic and should be kinder to herself. Ugh I wanna give her a hug immediately.
SO YES I REALLY LOVED THIS AND WILL BE BACK FOR MORE, ILY
I AM BACK FOR CHAPTER 2, BABY!
(Ughh I was gonna paste an Emperor’s New Groove GIF here but I can’t figure it out so just pretend there’s a “BOOM, BABY!” GIF here okay? Okay.)
Alright, this is another chapter in which I’ve fallen in love with every named character that appears. GUH. Once again, I really don’t have any story criticisms, just some typos here and there! I’m genuinely having so much fun reading through this.
Laughing at Acadia’s logic here. Riding for ten minutes without a helmet or walking for an hour through a big, crime-filled city at night, in the rain, no less? Idk, both sound pretty sketch to me!
“I still don’t understand why you straighten your hair,” he sighed. He grabbed one of her braids and began to tug on it playfully. “Your curls are amazing, and you would rock the Luxray mane look.”
Odette pressed her lips together. “Until you have thick curly hair to deal with every day, don’t yell at me about what I do to mine,” she said. “I like my braids, and my braids like me.”
The hundreds of tires rolling over the soaked asphalt blended with the sounds of the rumbling engines in the nearby cars near her, and the music from the storefronts just off to her sides to create a full cacophony.
This sentence was hard for me to wrap my brain around for some reason? I think the oddly placed comma after “her” threw me off and its a bit of a long sentence. Perhaps you could tweak it to something like: “The hundreds of tires rolling over soaked asphalt blended with the sounds of rumbling engines around her, combining with the music from the storefronts on either side to create a full cacophony.”
Warm-up breaths, she thought. One second in, one second out. That was a start. Now two seconds in, two seconds out. She wasn’t feeling any different. The tingle in her back had yet to lessen, and her brain buzzed with threats and ferocious thoughts of payback. She wanted nothing more than to blacken the eyes of one of those drivers. Haul him out of his car, slam him against the wall and punch and kick, until they were a bloody pulp, until—
Ooooh here it is. I was wondering when we would get to see the symptoms of the spirit (Pokémon?) that has possessed her. You describe her rage really well here, tapping into all of her senses to make it feel all-encompassing: the tingle at her back, her vision distorting, the blood roaring in her ears, etc.
As they continued through the verse, Noel dropped his things and began to do his own choreography for the song, as if he were back on the stage at the center. Although she tried to keep herself from doing so, she was soon smiling at the ridiculousness of it. But, the subdued performer part of her was aching to dance along with him. She’d spent enough time on the stage’s wings, watching the dancers run through their steps again and again and again, that she felt as if she knew the choreography as well as she knew the timings of the scene changes.
Awww, freaking BLESS Noel. He is aware of Odette’s issues and instead of running away, he sticks with her and helps her through her episodes. Just. Ugh, everybody needs a Noel in their life.
“So does frowning all the time?” Noel said, his voice inflecting upwards as if he were asking a question. “I’m just saying, getting so mad that you’re tired afterward shouldn’t be the move.”
HAH, Noel and I share a brain.
Although, I get that he’s just talking out of concern here, but it doesn’t feel completely fair to scold her in this way. I mean, it’s not like she intentionally gets so angry that she literally loses control and wipes herself out. It’s clearly something she can’t turn off like a switch.
I am. Losing. My. Mind at this image. This Froslass is just Absolutely Done with everything and it’s such a freaking mood and the fact that she’s just Given Up while there’s chaos and smoke and alarms is absolutely sending me dishfkiahdkwohrnw Isaur is a whole MOOD AND A HALF AHAHA
“Kkkkkkkkkkkkyu,” he responded. His body weight shifted slightly, and a slew of other board game pieces and cards fell from the duct. Odette silently watched them all hit the floor before speaking again.
“Boys, when I said ‘start some packing,’ I meant ‘start some packing without getting sidetracked by random shit,’” she sighed. She sat the board on the table, along with her backpack.
But Odette! One does not simply pack/clean/organize without getting sidetracked at least ten times! Don’t you know this??
Side note, but I’m detecting a theme with Odette’s team! Fairy and ghost types, eh?
She hoped, in some way, shape or form, tomorrow would steer clear of the weird brushes with the past. Just a day at Santalune Pokemon Academy, focused on nothing but training. That was all she was asking for.
I know she’s frustrated that she even needs a fresh start, but honestly, from what we’ve seen, this gal really needs one. Clearly her past is still haunting her (DID SHE ACTUALLY MURDER SOMEONE?) and ya girl just needs some Alolan sunshine and a completely new region to move forward.
I mean, it’s probably not gonna be that simple but heyyo
Hdjskfiahfk I will be back for more!! This fic is a feast and I’m living for it. Your characterizations are just—chefs kiss—FANTASTIC and I’m already way too invested. And if anything bad happens to Odette’s team I will riot ok
Chapter 5 - How Could This Possibly Be a Good Idea?
Chapter 5 - How Could This Possibly Be a Good Idea?
CW: Strong Language
This chapter was NOT beta read, so please be gentle on your critiques!
The collective brightness of Noel’s four computer monitors seemed to overpower the light being emitted by the lamp next to his bed. Odette hung off the back of his ergonomic chair as her eyes locked on the words he’d managed to pull up.
Virtue Corp is an organization dedicated to protecting and rehabilitating Pokemon that have been exposed to and otherwise harmed due to the disgraceful shiny trade. Our goal is not only to protect these mistreated Pokemon but to abolish the shiny trade as a whole.
He fell back against his backrest with a dazed huff, and Odette slowly crossed her arms.
“Well, there you have it. Official website and everything,” Noel said.
She raised her hand to her cheek and began to scratch it pensively. “And nothing about J.L. Ménétries?” she asked for the third time since she’d gotten to his house.
Noel exhaled gruffly and leaned back over his desk. He began to click through the rather elegantly crafted website. Odette noticed the accents of pastel pink that appeared against the sleek white background; it matched perfectly with the color of the wax seal.
He pulled up the menu titled 'Our Main Staff' and scrolled through it hastily. The random set of names flew by, accompanied by walls of text that might have been these people’s life stories, but nothing that matched the name she’d seen at the end of the note.
“I told you, nothing’s here. There isn’t even a person on here who has a name starting with a J,” he explained. “I know that doesn’t mean shit because a pseudonym could be anything, but you know…”
He clicked on another area of the website and began to skim it over. “I couldn’t find anything about a ‘J.L.’ anywhere else. Nothing tied him to something like this. So as far as we know, the guy doesn’t exist.”
“Right arm, or wing, red!”
Odette and Noel turned to look at the far end of the room, next to the closet, where Enora, Isaur, and Solene were playing Twister with Noel’s partners, Elton, his talonflame partner Freddy, and his vullaby partner Ru. Solene, the leader she was, had taken to spinning the wheel and making the calls. The latter five were already twisted and turned all around each other. A series of groans fell out of them at the new instruction, right foot red apparently, and suddenly, Freddy lost his winging and fell flat on his face.
“Dammit!” he cried. Being friends with Noel for so long allowed Odette the time to come to understand his bird partners a lot easier.
“You're out, Freddy. Better luck next time,” Solene replied coolly.
Odette was suddenly happy she’d taken Ange and Loïc home first. She learned the hard way that Freddy and Ange together always ended in something catching on fire, and Loïc playing Twister was just a disaster waiting to happen. The Monopoly fiasco from the night before was enough. Plus, Noel was scared of him as it was.
“Come on, man! You had that,” Noel huffed.
The sound of the door creaking open prompted them to turn toward it. Standing in the doorway was Noel’s father, carrying a tray with two full wine glasses.
“Sorry to bother you two, but I bring refreshments!” he said gleefully as he sauntered into the room. Odette grabbed her allotted glass faster than she cared to admit. She didn’t care about the possible hangover that would plague her at rehearsal tomorrow. She needed that buzz in her system pronto, and she’d let future-her deal with the consequences.
“The cherrim at the winery worked hard on this one, we just broke it out of the vault this morning!” Mr. Massé said.
She chugged it in one gulp.
“They did a good job,” she said through a deep exhale, setting the empty glass back on the tray. Noel giggled into his own cup.
“You...know you’re supposed to sip it, right?” Mr. Massé said hesitantly.
“She did,” Noel said. “It was just a big sip.”
Mr. Massé opened his mouth to speak but decided whatever he had to say wasn’t worth it. He simply sighed. “Nevermind. Are you staying for dinner, darling?”
“No, I couldn’t--” she started to say.
“Not sure why I asked, yes you are,” he cut her off with a playful edge in his tone.
Her expression fell into a deadpan. “I don't get a say?"
"Well, we're not going to send you home empty-handed, adult or not! Dinner will be ready in forty-five minutes, I hope you like ratatouille.” He winked at her before turning on his heel and heading back out, pulling the door shut behind him.
“Did he say dinner?” Isaur called in a strained voice. Her head was against a blue dot, and her arm was arched over Ru, touching a yellow dot. Of course, she’d still heard ‘ratatouille’ over all of that.
“Forty-five minutes,” Odette repeated. “Focus on your game.” Gods knew she needed to focus on her own issue at hand herself. She had to sort out her thoughts before bringing her team into it.
With a groan and already starting to feel an alcoholic fog forming in her lightweight brain, she dove face-first onto Noel’s unmade bed.
“I’m going to scream,” she said, her voice muffled by a pillow. “I just wanted an easy day. Was that too much to ask?”
“Oh, always,” Noel cracked. “Though you could have just not looked at the letter.”
She turned her head to shoot him a look. “Can you look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t have looked at the letter?”
“Fuck no, baby, and I’d have torn apart the whole office looking for more,” he said, setting his glass down on his desk. “Because that was clearly an ongoing conversation. I’m absolutely quaking at the thought of all the juicy information we’re missing...”
He suddenly threw his hands up triumphantly as another thought occurred to him. "And I'm just stoked as hell that I figured out the cops were skirting the press before this. I'm so good."
Odette almost wished she had torn apart the office. But that surely would have woken Toulouse up. More importantly, she’d have had to explain to Bernard why his office looked like hitmonlee had raided it.
“Well, you know what has to happen now,” Noel said darkly, leaning far back in his chair and folding his arms over his chest. The sudden change in his tone made Odette force herself back into a sitting position.
“No, you’re going to have to educate me,” she said.
“Come on, Dee. Look at the facts here,” he said. He slid the chair over to the bed, stopping when his knees touched hers. “It has to be so much more than a crazy coincidence that all of this nonsense happened on the same day.”
“I think it’s only a crazy coincidence.”
“Hear me out, though.” He raised a finger. “You happen to run into Dorien, who's apparently in the fucking shiny trade. You never told us that; is that why you stopped hanging out?”
“Yes,” she replied confidently, despite not feeling so. Noel was her best friend, but she somehow couldn't find the words to explain how she had forgotten that fact. "Didn't want to talk about it."
Noel narrowed his eyes for a beat but let whatever thought had come to him go. “Shame because y'all would have made such a hot couple. Drugs and abusive trading methods aside, he's gorgeous."
Odette swatted at him. “Continue, please.”
Noel raised another finger. “He threatens you and your ‘mon in battle and freaks you out.”
She pressed her lips together silently, and he took that as a sign to continue.
“Then, you visit your grandpa, the chief of Kalos PD, the man headfirst in the sacrilege cases, only to find he’s in contact with some mysterious man who happens to be involved with an organization dedicated to shutting down the shiny trade, who pretty much admitted to Team Enigma existing.” He paused, seemingly for dramatic effect, and held his hands out to his sides.
"And also admitted they were warding the press off of something involving shinies, which confirms your find," Odette added in a monotone. He was treading dangerously close to having an extremely valid point.
“Exactly. They know some shit that they don’t want us to know,” he said.
Her head had been spinning since she left Bernard’s office, and not even the wine stopped that. This wasn’t something that was just going to fade.
“Look, I’m just saying. There’s some pieces here,” Noel insisted. “I think we can make them fit if we start mining for more.”
She raised her brow at him. “Are you saying we should get involved?”
He leaned back in his chair again, kicking his legs up to rest his sock-covered feet in her lap. “Nosy trainers get involved in police affairs all the time. Hell, the cops even enlist trainers for help once in a while. We wouldn’t necessarily be out of line.” He shrugged again before resting his arms behind his head. “We have a legit concern, we’re not getting answers, and now we have some pseudo-legit leads. I say we run with it.”
Odette lowered her brows at him before pushing his feet off her lap. “You really should have been a detective. Or a hacker, at the very least.”
He laughed airily. “And let my powerhouse voice and strong dancing legs go to waste? I see you’ve never heard of multitasking. Who says I can’t do both? I need my pretty sidekick to get started.”
His jesting smile signaled a joke, but she knew him well enough to know there was a part of him that was serious. She’d only wanted to see an end to the crisis for her grandfather’s sake, but now it was very clear that he had a bigger foot in it all than he was letting on. That concerned her even more. And how much had they found out? J.L. Ménétries made it seem like they were right on Team Enigma’s trail, yet it was looking like nothing was changing as of late. As far as she could tell.
Was it possible that the Virtue Corp was, in fact, in cahoots with Team Enigma? Were they working alongside each other for some strange reason? Were they stringing the cops along? Were the cops in on it?
That thought made her stomach hurt.
It had to be just a coincidence that Dorien had decided to pop back into her life on the same day. He and his no-good shiny trading ways, flaunting it all like it was nothing major. She allowed herself to think back to their battle once again. The feeling she got, how her entire body told her to vacate the premises, and how he spoke.
But was that enough to run with? Her gut and her reads on people were usually not wrong…but even if she wanted to go with it, did she want to spend more time with Dorien just for the slightest chance he was possibly involved with sacrilege, and even worse, Team Enigma?
I know you say you’re fine, and it has been almost a year since everything happened, but maybe you could try focusing on something completely new?
She was certain this was not what Bernard had meant when he said that, but this was certainly pretty new. She thought back to his tired eyes, the way he’d fallen silent that one week, and how he so seamlessly lied to her face about what he knew.
Her wary gaze cut over to her Pokemon, who were still quite caught up in their game. She could practically hear Solene and Enora screeching in her ears about how this was a bad idea. Isaur would most likely be all for it. Ange would simply go along with whatever, and she was still fairly certain all Loïc could consciously think about was pecha berries and crawling in the air ducts. She wasn’t exactly concerned about breaking the news to him.
She decided, then and there, she didn’t care about the stern talking-to in-store by her oldest Pokemon friends. She needed something else to do, and really...perhaps this was it.
Maybe it was the buzz, but she didn’t care at the moment.
“Alright. I'm in. Need to run it by the crew, but I'm in.”
***
Sitting around the coffee table in her living room, Odette watched, unsurprisingly, as Solene got in her face.
"Are you insane? You have to be insane. Please tell me you've fully lost it; it would be easier for me to swallow," she screamed frantically, grabbing Odette by her shoulders and shaking her.
"You heard me," she replied. "I thought I was pretty clear."
Solene's expression fell, and she settled back into her spot on the couch. Her jaw was clenched, and her stubby hands were balled into fists. The expected worrywart mode that Odette had anticipated since she resolved to discuss her decision with her team.
"You're going to give me a premature heart attack," Solene said in a drawl, raising a hand to rub the side of her face. "I might be skittish, but I'm sure I don't have to lecture you about how dangerous this is?"
"You don't have to tell me that you think it's a dangerous idea, I'm pretty damn aware of that."
"So then why is it even on your mind?" Solene snapped back, whipping her head around to give Odette a wide-eyed look.
"Because!" Odette retaliated, curling her fingers with the intensity of her words. "It's like I said, there's some shit happening here. You saw some of that battle, I showed you the picture of the note, and I told you what Grandpa said and what Noel and I found, there is something. Happening. In Kalos," she stressed. "And I want to figure out what it is."
And she wanted to figure out where exactly her grandfather stood on it. If his lying had gotten a little too out of hand. She wouldn't say that out loud because she didn't want to speak it into existence, but the more she dwelled on it, her curiosity overshadowed her apprehension.
"If not to uncover what's going on with Grandpa, then for my own head."
"What about your temper? I can't imagine this is going to be good for that," Isaur interjected cooly, speaking between the bites she took from an apple. Odette paused to consider her words.
"It's better my exploding anger be channeled into getting Dorien thrown in prison and figuring out what the fuck Grandpa's sitting on than going to work and thinking about...everything else," she said.
She fell silent as her more intrusive thoughts started to seep in, but she quickly shook them off.
That was exactly why she needed to do it. She wouldn't have time to dwell on the past if she were sleuthing; at the very least, her flaring anger could prove useful in keeping her determined. Somehow. Maybe.
Probably.
"I appreciate the concern, but I've made up my mind."
Isaur appeared to accept the answer, judging by her shrug as she exchanged looks with Ange, who's eyes glowed with interest.
"What would we be doing? Would we be able to do some cool espionage stuff?" Ange asked.
"You'd come along with me. To wherever I went, with or without Dorien. You'd help me investigate and provide me with more physical backup if we had to fight. So, I suppose, probably."
The flame on Ange's head flared up, and he clapped his tendrils together in excitement. "That sounds like fun! I'm in!" he gasped. Well, that was one.
"I'm inclined to agree, I could use the excitement outside of apartment packing," Isaur agreed. She downed the rest of the apple, core and all, and held up a thumb. "I'm down."
Two. The easy ones up for a change of pace.
Solene was shocked that Isaur had agreed and flailed her arms in her direction. "You have got to be kidding me," she sputtered, earning her a shrug.
"For once, no. She's got a point, I think I want to see where all of this leads," Isaur said, causing Solene to cover her eyes in disdain.
It was there that Loïc scurried out from under the coffee table, the remnants of three pecha berry stems hanging in his shadowy hand. He proceeded to scuttle around, looking for a place to put them, and when he couldn't find one, he settled for hopping up onto the couch and settling into Odette's lap. Once there, he politely set them on her thigh.
"Kyu," he declared, nuzzling down into her legs to get comfortable. Odette stared at him, unamused by the fruit remains staining her pants leg, but set a hand on his fake head nonetheless.
"Thanks for that, Loïc. Appreciate it." She used her free hand to toss the stems onto the table. She'd grab them later. At least he was for it, but that was also expected.
All was silent again as Solene and Enora had yet to vocalize their stance.
"I should also note that I'm not going to force any of you into going along with this," Odette said. "I'm giving you the option, but I understand our creative differences. Don't be obliged to tag along on my account because it's settled, I'm doing this for me now. My brain. My head. My distraction. I'm armed and in a better headspace, and I will figure it out. Noel and his team will be coming along too, so I won't be alone even if you decide to back out. That's a promise. I know better."
There was still no response until Odette felt Solene shift uncomfortably next to her. With a grouchy groan, she settled into the back cushion.
"Fine. I will get on board," she huffed.
An agreement. A reluctant one at that.
"Are you sure?" Odette pressed. "I'm telling you, you can say no."
Solene fell silent again as she wrung her hands together nervously.
"Sol, I'm serious. Tell me what you're thinking."
Solene looked to be deliberating with herself. Mulling something over in her head, trying to figure out a good response. Her brain gears were practically screaming. She squeezed her eyes shut at one point, inhaling the deepest breath she could muster, before nodding once.
"No. I understand where you're coming from," she declared, sounding more determined than before. "I won't lie and say I'm not afraid, but I want to offer my help. And be a voice of reason, because gods know you four tend to be lacking there."
Odette quirked a brow at the change in tone. "And you're sure?"
A firm nod followed, and the gothitelle was met with approving, proud pats from Isaur. "Yes. This hits close to home for all of us. I will be of help."
Odette couldn't argue with that, and her surge of confidence she wasn't going to refute. She liked when Solene remembered what she was capable of.
"Alright. But just know if you lose your nerve, you can back out at any time."
Solene gave a rough shake of her head. "None of that; not anymore."
Odette couldn't help but smirk at the response. She then looked over at Enora, who had her eyes trained on the floor for most of the conversation. Her lips were pressed together into a taut line. She was disgruntled. And thinking hard about something.
"I know we've already said it," Odette said softly, "but this definitely hits the closest home for you. These are shinies we're talking about, but I would understand why it would make you uncomfortable."
Still nothing.
"Enora?"
"Well, if you're going to force me," she said sharply. She hopped off her cushion and walked toward Odette's bedroom. As she went, the tips of her tendrils were engulfed in a faint blue glow, which traveled to the pecha stems. They levitated off the coffee table, toward the kitchen, and into the sink.
Odette sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes. "Enora, come on," she called after her. "Don't be like that, I'm not forcing you to do anything! She paused. "And I was going to grab those!"
The sound of the bedroom door shutting was the response.
Enora wasn't on board, and Odette could have figured that out even if she hadn't spoken. So, then why the hell was she begrudgingly agreeing to come along?
Odette pushed herself to stand. "Enora!" she shouted, walking toward the room. "If you have a thought, say it! I want you to tell me what's on your mind!"
No answer.
She ground her teeth together, trying to ward off any oncoming anger. Losing it here wouldn't make the conversation any better. This was rough territory.
Odette had found Enora has an eevee, and aside from the moment they met in the alley next to Marieanne and Bernard's townhouse, Odette had no idea where Enora had come from and was never one to prod. Much like her, Enora wasn't one who liked to dwell too much on the past. That's where they got along.
Odette couldn't help but wonder if this reluctance was stemming from that unknown past.
Enora's refusal to speak wasn't giving her much to work with, so that was what she was going with. "Okay. Until you specifically ask to come along, I'm taking this as a hard no. You let me know when you're ready to talk about it."
All was still silent on Enora's end. That was that.
Pushing her bangs back, she trudged back over to the couch and fell back into it, taking a moment to shut her eyes, massage her temples, and collect herself. When she peered back out at her team's concerned gazes, she sighed.
"It's just gonna be the five of us. But we got this."
Here for caaaatttnippppsss. Unfortunately I don't think I'll have time to catch up with the whole story so I decided to do this review focused on chapter 2 and 3. But don't worry, I'll definitely read the rest because I'm really curious about where Odette's story is going right now.
So after chapter 1 I thought we'd be picking back up from some of the points that were laid out in the prologue but this is okay too, these last couple of chapters have given us a better look at who Odette is and what her life right now is like and boy you really make a job of setting her apart. When I first started reading I was a bit scared because Odette gave off that feel of being your "normal girl" protagonist, ya know, the kind that appear a lot in YA novels and the like. Nothing wrong with those exactly but they can sometimes fall a little behind.
But I'm glad to be proven wrong because the picture you paint of Odette is one that's complex and varied. On the one hand we have her serious, borderline stoic, side that she shows off to most people. She's surprisingly distant from others and can seem a little bit cold even to her pokemon. That's not to say she's a cold person, but it does feel like she's always guarded in a way. Then we contrast that with the side of her that likes to do theater and sing and of course the fact that she's a badass biker (well maybe not that much but it did surprise me).
All that, coupled with her skills as battler and the few hints at what's going on with her life, mainly with what happened at her university, paint the picture of someone that's trying really hard to keep some semblance of control in her life. It's obvious that whatever happened in Fleurh really did a number of her, understandably considering what's being implied, and right now Odette is trying her best to not just control her anger issues but also find something that makes her feel like she's in control of her own life in general. I think that's why Radian's presence throws her off so badly. I mean she implied it herself but maybe she sees him as the same kind of person that wouldn't doubt in taking away what little control in herself she's managed to regain in a heartbeat.
This is doubly interesting because her rage issues already tell us what to expect once those Sins that Enigma's leader was talking about come into being, painting an interesting picture for what's to come in Odette's life.
But of course, no leading lady would stand out without the people surrounding it and I think you do a great job of establishing Odette's support network as well. I think I mentioned liking her interaction with her friends in chapter 1 but I really like the banter that she has with Noel in chapter two. I specifically liked how you kept switching between the two of them talking and Odette's thoughts as she drove, I haven't ridden a bike myself but I have a friend who's an aficionado and the way Odette behaved there reminded me a lot of what he says he does when he drives.
I also like how multi-layered their relationship is. Sure they get along, but they're not buddy-buddy all the time. Odette gets annoyed with Noel's cheerful demeanor and her own temper can get others mad at her as well; it's something they're both aware of and they try to make the most of it, which I think is a pretty nice detail about friendships that a lot of stories have trouble getting down.
This same logic applies to her pokemon as well. Sure she takes care of them and tries to be a good trainer, but it's obvious that her team can get on her nerves sometimes too, especially since their chemistry being thrown off by loric is another detail she has to worry about on top of her other concerns.
I also appreciate the trickles you've given us of both the plot and the world. Stuff like brands or showing us the ways characters go about their daily life is a pretty good way. You also highlight Sacrilege, both when the drag racers appear and then giving us the official report surrounding the case Odette's grandfather is dealing with. That being said, I think it would've been cool to connect both those events. Like maybe have Odette think back to the accident she almost had with the drag racers when she first hears about the case. Maybe it's a little unnecessary but it would really help in adding some connecting tissue to it.
Of course I also really liked the way you introduced the trainer academy. There's not too much detail around it but it's interesting to see how they go about training for people that aren't just going around the region.
Outside of that, pretty good stuff. I really liked the way your prose flows, especially when you write dialogue. There's a real cadence to the way characters speak and how you connect that with the things they do while they talk. I'm a sucker for characters moving around and doing things as they talk so I was right at home in both chapters. Outside of dialogue you still did a pretty good jobf of carrying Odette's actions and thoughts, but I feel like sometimes things might get a little repetitive. Odette has a temper, and it gets set off pretty fast and while I'm sure you're building to it blowing up it still gets a little repetitive to constantly be reminded about her temper.
Anyways. Sorry this review was a little short, but I really like what you're doing and I'll be super interested in seeing where this goes from here.
A loud sizzling noise rang from the kitchen, and Odette pushed herself upright, keeping her legs straddled. The smell of vegetable omelets started to waft through the apartment, and she felt her stomach rumble. Instinctively, her hand traveled to rest on it.
“We are still receiving updates in regards to the large Sacrilege bust made early this morning. The Lumiose PD received a tip late last night, and made the bust early this morning,” the reporter said. “According to the reports we have so far, roughly fifteen hundred kilograms of the drug were found at the Pangoro Packing Storage Facility on Crabhammer Road. Police Chief Bernard Cinq-Mars led the raid, and reported that no suspects were located at the facility.”
Ehh, I dunno. What this says to me is that this drug gang is large and probably wayyyy too well connected. Likely lots of money behind this Team Enigma.
Marieanne laughed. “Saying that like Vienna hasn’t suggested it a million times already. He won’t hear it. Speaking of your mother, have you heard from her this week?”
Odette laid back on the couch. More sizzling sounded from the kitchen, and she turned her head just in time to watch Loïc spring up and run toward it.
“No, she told me she was going to be out of commission until Saturday, and flying back to Kalos on Sunday. She and some other professors are up on Coronet as far as I know, so I can’t imagine the signal’s very good.”
Marieanne muttered something incoherently. “This is news to me. She knows I hate her climbing mountains,” she eventually said, more clearly.
“That’s probably why she didn’t tell you she was climbing a mountain.”
“What are you doing today? It’s trainer school day right?” Marieanne inquired, deciding to initiate a subject change.
So I got a little lost in this exchange. I kept getting switched around as to who was talking. I think the last two paragraphs could stay as one, maybe?
“RotomPhone, any updates on the latest Sacrilege bust?” she asked her phone as she turned and started walking for the battle gym. Her screen displayed a loading screen before Rotom’s frowning face popped up again.
You know, I've never understood the concept of RotomPhones. They're sentient Pokemon, right? So are they happy with being used as just a piece of technology? Does one need to care for them like they would the rest of their team? Having a sentient thing operate as your phone raises so many questions.
“Well, I was going to say,” he chuckled. “A shiny Sylveon would bring in enough money to last you a lifetime if you sold it at an auction. But, maybe not the best idea if you’re only running five.”
Odette’s eyes went wide. What an absolutely audacious thing to say.
She had a much more nasty remark lined up, but they arrived at the gym before she could let it loose. She quickly decided that that was for the best. She certainly wasn’t one to shy away from confrontation, but she was focused on keeping herself in check for this class. She didn’t need to get so riled up over Dorien’s absolutely fucked views of the trade. At least, not now.
With her brows furrowed and a deep frown on her face, she turned toward him again, only to find that he’d leaned in close to her. Too close to her. Her cheek was mere centimeters from brushing his nose as she turned her head. Green eyes were narrowed in an all-too sultry fashion, and his toothy smile had shrunk down to a smirk.
She heard Mrs. Chuquete chuckle. “Flattery will get you nowhere, but I like your enthusiasm.” Despite the words she spoke, she sounded bashful. There was an almost unnoticeable waver in her voice, but Odette picked up easily. That seemed to be the same response he got every time.
...Actually I might have said this theory earlier. I don't remember, it's been a while since the prologue--but anyway, is Dorien posessed by one of the other Deadly Sin mons?? Idk which one, though. I was thinking Lust at first, but later evidence doesn't quite seem to add up. Greed, maybe?
This sentence read a little weirdly to me. I'd suggest "verbally or not" or just scrapping that part altogether and leaving it with "Nobody fucking threatens her."
She couldn’t get over that cold feeling that came over her when they locked eyes in that moment. Every hair on her body stood up, like she was looking at some horrific horror movie character. She hadn’t felt a sense of fight or flight like that since...Fleurrh. But she didn’t need to go there.
Yeah SOMETHING is going on with this guy, for sure. It's so intensely affecting her that it makes me wonder if it's something beyond just being a psycho--like, some sort of actual power he has, maybe? Or maybe he's just REALLLY giving off those creep vibes.
Also..Fleurhh??? 👀👀👀
A solid chapter! It was a bit of a slow start, and I do think it could have cut to the chase a little sooner--maybe Odette could have chatted with her grandma while walking to school or something. But at the same time, those little slice of life moments with her team are absolutely making the story for me so far, so even if it was slower, it was still incredibly enjoyable for me.
I honestly don't have any crit for your overall prose--it's always super solid, and aside from a few typos or awkward sentences here and there, I don't have much to add! My only nitpick is an incredibly small one, and it's about Dorien. The guy is a creep, for sure, and something definitely isn't right--but the degree to which Odette picks up on this is so strong that it makes me wonder why nobody else has picked up on this--in fact, it's the opposite! Everyone is totally charmed by him, while somehow Odette is immune to his charms. Idk if there are actual reasons behind this, and it's possible that there are! If not, I'd suggest toning it down just a smidgen so that the contrast isn't quite so jarring.
Bernard would bring her along, and she’d follow him around the office like a baby Ducklett, watching him do his police business while he reminded her that the world wasn’t always so fine and dandy, and why she needed to stay alert and observant.
This is SUCH an adorable image, omg. And I'm loving the constant comparisons to the Ducklett/Swanna line! White Swan, Black Swan indeed ;) I'm curious why its a Swanna though. Is there a specific reason?
To make sure she was doubly aware, he’d enroll her in some peewee self defense classes, the curriculum ranging from how to say no to strangers, and if that didn’t work, how to break out of bindings. The classes got more intense as she got older, eventually tapering off into a gun defense class that landed her with a permit to handle a concealed firearm. It was only then that she realized the master plan behind him bringing her along to his work as often as he did, and she supposed it made sense. Overprotective cop has to make sure his granddaughter is equipped to handle anything nefarious.
Honestly, respect. I wish I was this prepared for self-defense.
And! This does help explain her reaction at the end of last chapter. She's been trained all her life to look out for suspicious people, so it's no wonder she picked up on the red flags so quickly. I'm just glad she DID pick up on them! NOTHING is more frustrating than reading a story where the love interest is SO OBVIOUSLY TOXIC, but the MC is just blissfully and painfully unaware because the plot demands it. We stan a sharp heroine that knows what's up!
"She gave that to him" reads a little weird considering the sentence before it. It sounds like she's the one giving something to Bernard and not the other way around. A few alternatives could be: "She could give him that" (as that's how the phrase is usually used), "He gave her that" or "She owed him that much."
LOOOOOL I did not realize the last line was an Arcanine (ARR-KUH-NINE, THANK YOU) and I spent ten whole seconds thinking "Who tf is howling at this poor girl"
She scoffed to herself. She pulled the plastic bag containing the snacks out and dropped it on his desk. She’d hoped the sight of it would deter him from the lecture she knew was coming, because he gave her some version of it every time he saw her helmet, or even the motorcycle itself. People die on those things every day. I’m not worried about you, I’m worried about other drivers not seeing you. I’ll look into helping you get a car instead if that’s how you want to get around…
They each plucked a cookie from the box. Odette held hers between both hands, prepping to pull it open, and he did the same. They eyed one another, an air of friendly competitiveness starting to fill the office space.
“One,” Odette said.
“Two,” Bernard counted
“Three,” they said in unison, before pulling the stacked cookies apart. They both eyed the pieces with the cream filling still squished against them. Odette frowned when she saw that this particular piece was very stingy on the filling.
“Mine’s small,” she whined.
“Mine takes up the whole thing,” Bernard grinned. He flashed the cookie to her, and the filling circle indeed covered it almost entirely to the edge. “I win.” He then bit into it.
“And he said something off,” she continued. “He sent out his Conkeldurr and he said…” She shut her eyes, willing the words he’d said to return to her memory. “Something like ‘I have a snack for you.’ And he wasn’t kidding, he said it like he meant it. And all I could think about was the--”
“The Vaporeon and the Coalossal battle case,” Bernard finished.
“And what are you going to do if you can’t get your Pokeball out in time?”
She stared at him with a deadpan expression. “We had the voice activation keys installed on them for that reason.”
“And if they malfunction? Or, gods forbid, something happens to your Pokemon once they’re out? Then what? I’d trust Toulouse in a pickle before anything else, but they train the force to use guns for a reason...”
Oh THANK YOU for addressing this. SO many people are convinced that guns aren't logical in a Pokemon world because, well, Pokemon. But guns are way easier and more accessible, plus you don't run the risk of your Pokemon getting injured, PLUS there's no moral debate of how ethical it really is to use these sentient creatures as weapons in the first place. (I mean, they still have them on the police force, but it's nice to know that they aren't the police's sole source of firepower. This makes them feel more like partners who fight alongside them and not just for them.)
Maybe therapy would be the move again. She’d stopped going a few months ago, because the thought of spending an hour discussing her feelings was giving her more anxiety than she currently needed piled on.
She shook her head. “No, it’s not that bad,” she said. “But I’m just playing it safe.”
Bernard,
You and your men’s cooperation has proven most helpful. I have my best people stationed within our prime suspects circles, as we are entirely certain they have ties to Team Enigma. Keep doing what you are doing, with your efforts and the press, and we’ll be in touch.
J.L. Ménétries Virtue Corp.
OHOHOHOH WHAT?
At first I thought this was going to proof that the police are working with Team Enigma--but no! There's a third party at play here! And I...have no idea what to think, nor do I have any theories, because I honestly suck at coming up with theories lol.
Both Odette and Noel turned to look at the far end of the room, next to the closet, where Enora, Isaur, and Solene were playing Twister with Noel’s Braviary, Talonflame, and Vullaby. Solene, the leader she was, had taken to spinning the wheel and making the calls. The latter five were already twisted and turned all around each other. A series of groans fell out of them at the new instruction, right foot red apparently, and suddenly, Talonflame lost his winging and fell flat on his face.
This is funny and wholesome, but I really just--I just--I have to ask...how in the WORLD do bird Pokemon play twister?! They have no hands?? Or paws?? xD
This was quite a switch from just earlier when she was telling Bernard about this guy! It threw me off a little, and I was glad Noel called her out on it. Why the sudden attitude change? Is she just worn out from the day and she doesn't want to deal with it anymore?
Honestly, if you hadn't said these two chapters weren't beta read, I really wouldn't have noticed at all! Your writing remains solid! I'd say your strong points are dialogue, characterizations and your depictions of body language, especially while two characters are speaking. I'll echo what I said in my last review that I think some things could be shortened or cut out to keep the pace just a leetle more snappy--for example, when Odette sees the letter, it takes another two, maybe three paragraphs until she opens it. Little things like that.
ALSO, HEYO, I am back in business and available for beta reading if you need me! 😘 Hire me, boo
It was great to be assigned for this round of Catnip--I've heard a ton about it, so it's great to have an excuse to check it out. I'm going to talk about some general thoughts first, and then some thoughts on each chapter, mostly more picky detail stuff, under the spoilers.
There's a ton going on in this fic already, and I know there's even more to come--like, it doesn't seem like Guzma's even close to being introduced yet, and my impression is that he's going to play a pretty big role, lol. I think a lot of the fun of the fic is going to come from seeing how all the different facets of the story come together. We can already see the connection between the prologue and Odette's anger issues plus Team Enigma, but the role of Virtue Corp and the shinies are less clear, as well as how Alola's going to play into all this, and oh, also, Odette's no doubt going to need to properly reckon with that thing that happened at some point, too, isn't she? You do a nice job of setting a lot of plot threads in motion early on; there's a sense of grand scope to this story despite the fact that what we've seen of Odette's life so far is, at least on the surface, pretty mundane.
Odette seems like she's going to be a great protagonist to follow--she has real burning passion and desire, clear wants and a reason to be going out and taking action, while at the same time having very big, very real problems and barriers to her progress. Her problems feel very realistic, even if they're exacerbated by an obvious supernatural force; in general Odette's a pretty down-to-earth character despite the crazy shit going on around her. I enjoy how you get inside her head and show how viscerally her anger affects her; you a great job of describing the emotion as an almost physical presence, and how it both clouds Odette's thinking and impacts her actions. And Odette's been seriously repressing her anger almost since the point that we first saw her, and it feels like only a matter of time before she can't hold it in or sing it off anymore and beats the tar out of somebody and/or gets herself seriously injured and/or possibly another murder? And I imagine there'll be some nightmare legendary pokémon to start manifesting soon enough; both things to look forward to!
The other characters I'm less sure of; it seems like Noel and Odette's grandfather are probably going to have to end up being relatively minor, or at most arc-major characters, if Odette's about to be zipping off to Alola (thought Noel could end up coming along due to shenanigans, of course). Perhaps Dorien will go on to be a recurring villain? Odette's somebody who really wants to have another character(s) to play off of, I think, so I'm really curious to see who that'll be long-term. (it's guzma isn't it)
I'm definitely interested in learning more about the deadly sin pokémon and what exactly has been going on with Team Enigma in the past twenty-odd years. Apparently Florent's mission to find and kill Odette didn't end up going that well! I'm curious whether more sin pokémon have escaped in the interim, or perhaps even been given to favored members of Team Enigma. I'm hoping for some juicy lore about how such creatures came to be and how they work, exactly--and what their history is, how and why they ended up in Florent's possession in the first place! It seems likely that "sacrilege" has to be linked to them somehow; I'm guessing some of their power goes into making it? Maybe just gluttony's, still, since the users mentioned so far have mostly seemed kinda hungry. I'm also curious to learn more about Armel and what his role will ultimately be in the plot. It doesn't seem like he can have all that much love for Florent...
I also like the little details of acting and performing life that are sprinkled throughout. It's easy to believe Odette as someone who's immersed in and loves that culture--even if it's a rather fraught love, now. I'm curious whether her arc is going to be more about grappling with her trauma and coming to enjoy performance again, or if she's going to instead grow in a different direction and fully embrace some other passion instead.
This story is interesting because, at least so far, you've got kind of a slice of life feel going on alongside all the ominous magical-sin-drug main plot: Odette going to class, going to rehearsal, etc. This can add some nice grounding to the story and make it feel more real, despite all the mystical stuff going on, and you know how to work it for humor, with Odette's mundane problems ranging from pokémon unable to have a civil board game session to an overprotective director who truly has no idea how much Odette really needs directing. At times, though, I find that there's focus on relatable twentysomething problems that kind of gets in the way of the story. The best example for me was the argument about how Noel and Odette would get home in Chapter Two--it takes 650 words for Odette and Noel to get on the bike and leave, and as far as I could tell there wasn't anything going on there that wouldn't have been accomplished by Acadia making some pointed comments and the other two briefly sniping back and then leaving. Another example was the unfamiliar cop at the front desk of the police station, which engendered a bit of back and forth that resulted in Odette simply going up to see her grandfather, the same thing that would have happened as normal. These are little roadblocks to Odette's progress that are certainly believable, but to me don't appear to have any real payoff, aren't very interesting to me, and feel to me like a barrier in front of getting to more interesting stuff.
Prose comments are mostly beneath the spoiler, but just a couple quick, general notes about things I noticed across multiple chapters. One is that you sometimes have trouble with using "it's" where you want to use its: "Gulattive slurped to itself, before turning to face it’s host;" "A board game and it’s many colorful pieces were scattered all over the wood floors;" "It crossed it’s arms over it’s chest and began to spin around. A soft glow took hold of it’s claws as it did so." You only want to use "it's" any place where you could literally substitute "it is," while when you want to indicate possession, as in these examples, you want to use "its" instead.
At times it felt like you were reaching for a fancy word when it didn't necessarily make sense or where it disrupted the flow of the sentence. I marked out a few instances where the word being used didn't have the right meaning. I don't know if you're actively trying to vary your vocabulary, but if so, just be mindful of whether you're really getting more mileage out of the more unusual word and whether it has all the connotations you think it does.
No major complaints with the prose, though! This feels like a big story that's just getting started, with lots of interesting stuff yet to come.
The holder was situated with five pockets, each occupied with its own neatly situated Pokeball, closed and undisturbed.
This sentence reads weird because the connection between "although he had awoken..." and "he had to be of some use" isn't immediately clear. I think what you're going for is, he needs to come up with some way to be useful despite having no memories so he doesn't get eaten; if so, phrasing the sentence closer to that would be more clear.
He placed a light hand on Armel’s head, who flinched again at the touch.
Misplaced modifier here; "who" is Armel's head, not Armel himself. Something like "He placed a light hand on Armel's head, and the boy flinched again at the touch" would read better.
This definitely makes for an interesting prologue! Villain prologues can be a lot of fun, and you establish a nice dark, somewhat over-the-top tone here that I think nicely sets the stage for the remainder of the story. The introduction of the sin pokémon is a good hook, and I'm left hoping to see more of Armel in the future.
I don't really buy that Florent not wanting to think about his breakup with Odette's mom (presumably) would be enough for him to forget about her so completely, especially when he would naturally be reflecting on who he'd been with in that timeframe in order to figure out where the baby'd come from. My guess is that the root of his forgetfulness is you wanting to give Armel a reason to consult his book and show what's up with him--if so, I think there are ways you could do that that would feel less forced.
She pressed her phone to her chest and darted her head over, meeting a set of slyly narrowed hazel eyes.
This sentence strikes me as a bit complicated and abstract. I think "darted her head over" is what's getting me most; not quite sure what sort of movement that's intended to evoke in this context.
With a roll of her eyes, she returned to her read. “Those words never left my mouth.”
Not "reiterated;" this is the first time she's said it.
And it's our introduction to Odette! I think it works well, and I like that it isn't immediately clear whether she's the baby referenced in the prologue or an outsider who's going to get swept up in the plot. You do a nice job of teasing a lot of plot threads at once, and the "sacrilege" info gives us an immediate idea of where the plot will be going in the near future. Overall a solid opener.
They came to a gradual stop next to Odette’s motorcycle.
"Gradual stop" seems like an odd way to describe people walking--machines can roll or slide to a stop, but humans just kind of stop walking? It's not a very gradual process.
They rounded the next corner, and they were gone as quickly faster than they’d appeared.
It took a little while for this chapter to get going for me, but I enjoyed the description of Odette on her motor cycle once things started to move along. You did a great job of showing off why she loves it, as well as how her anger overcomes her and how she deals with it. It's also great to meet her team! I have no doubt they'll be keeping Odette on her toes.
I believe "Sacrilege" is only capitalized in this chapter--might want to make it consistent with other chapters.
He always put effort into making sure his lectures--no matter how boring the subject matter-- were at least moderately entertaining, so the moldable minds in his presence would be more adept to listening.
I think you're missing a word--perhaps "leaned against?"
A wild antagonist appears! I liked how you portrayed Odette's reaction to Dorien here, starting out very positive but decaying rapidly to annoyance and then contempt and ultimately fear. This is probably the most intense we've seen Odette's emotions so far, and you did a great job of portraying how they build up in her while she struggles to keep them under control. The introduction of the shiny trade, too, is something that feels like it's going to be important.
There was a lot of weirdness with Odette's memory here that I'm not sure was intentional. It was very similar to what was going on with Florent, so maybe something about being bonded to a sin pokémon fucks with your memory? But there hasn't been any sign of that for Odette in the other chapters. If you were foreshadowing problems with Odette's memory, then it worked perfectly; if not, and you wanted an excuse for Odette to behave in ways that otherwise made no sense (e.g. expressing her distaste for the shiny trade, which she surely must have done with Dorien before), then I think it might be better to look at a different way of getting the conversation to go where you want it to. Hanging on a lampshade on how weird it was that she'd forgotten things only makes it more frustrating to me, personally.
I read your author's note about beta reading on this one! I'm not going to talk about technical errors, then, and focus just on the logic of the story.
I've been a little confused by how impressed people have been by Noel noticing that people ODing on sacrilege tend to be rich. That seems like a pretty basic pattern to notice, and definitely not one that would require substantial computer skills. Something like connections to a particular organization, or geographic area, or profession or something would seem like more impressive things to pinpoint, to me.
Odette's grandfather's objections to her using a pokémon rather than a gun also read strange to me. How is it faster to pull out a gun than a pokéball? How is a gun less likely to malfunction than a pokéball? There are definitely arguments you could make around why a gun would be better than a pokéball, but the ones he's using don't strike me as good ones.
Virtue Corp, huh? I distrust them immediately.
A nice cooldown chapter after the intensity at the end of the last. I like that we're really starting to get the sacrilege plot rolling! I anticipate real tragedy once Odette manages to get herself involved...
Virtue Corp is an organization dedicated to the protection and rehabilitation of Pokemon that have been exposed to, and otherwise harmed, as a result of the disgraceful Shiny Trade. Our goal is to not only protect these mistreated Pokemon, but to abolish the Shiny Trade as a whole.
Oh? Do they perhaps "protect" them by STEALING them???
I'm curious to see how the shiny trade will eventually end up intersecting with the other plot threads here. I have to imagine that Enora's going to end up getting pulled into this somehow...
The word count on this one surprised me! Some fics roll along just fine on ~2,000 words per update, but after the length of some of the previous chapters, this one definitely felt short. Good to have Odette (and Noel) officially commit to going deeper with Team Enigma, but an additional scene where they take their conviction to dig deeper and start to actually do something with it would have rounded things out well for me.
Chapter 6 - Psychopath Special thanks to @HelloYellow17 for beta reading this for me!
CW: Strong Language, Talk of Sexual Assault
“God fucking dammit, Snooki. Can you be any drunker?”
When it wasn’t Odette's team up to something weird or stupid, her mother always picked up the slack--when she was home, at least. She’d only been back in Kalos since Sunday night, and she was taking every possible moment after to enjoy her leisure time. Vienna Cinq-Mars wasn’t a subtle woman by any means—if she wanted to sit home all day and scream at her reality TV shows, that’s what she did. And if she didn’t want to wear pants while she was doing that…well, she didn’t.
As Odette walked through from her bedroom to the kitchen, she scrunched her eyebrows at the sight of her mother cradling a bowl of nachos like a newly laid Pokemon egg while she yelled at the orange Unovans on their TV screen. At least she had the common decency to put on a pair of granny panties rather than of one of the thongs she managed to leave all over the house during laundry days.
Vienna's longtime partner, Thea--a quiet and observant gardevoir--sat beside her, knitting and looking completely unfazed by everything happening around her. As she usually did.
“You could at least watch something fulfilling, like a horror movie,” Odette commented.
“Or quite literally anything else,” Solene chirped. She shuffled over to the couch and sat down next to Thea. Ever the punctual one, she was already ready to go. She decided to pass the time by watching Thea with her needles. Isaur, Ange, Enora, and Loïc were still hanging out in their balls back in Odette's bedroom, so none of them were out and about to keep her company.
“What’s more horrific than that spray tan? I swear, I got better color just climbing up the side of Coronet in the middle of a blizzard,” Vienna said. She then threw one of the chips in her mouth. “The Unovans really know what they’re doing with their TV.”
“Agree to disagree," Odette said.
She fanned her wet eyeliner as she pulled open the fridge. Her eyes fell on the last available water bottle, and she grabbed it in one quick motion. She hadn't even left for her outing with Dorien yet, and she already felt like she was going to explode.
It had been a week since she had reluctantly approached him in class again and “apologized” for her foul attitude after their battle. She chalked it up to a bad rehearsal week, and he seemed more than willing to forgive her. When she offered that they “hang out after class,” he took every opportunity to treat her to extravagant excursions. Private jet flight from Lumiose to Gloire one day, a limousine ride to the movies the next. The plan for the day was a trip to a fancy restaurant on a private man-made island off the coast of Avignon Town, where apparently a cup of soup cost more than she made in an hour's work. She only knew that much because she'd searched up the menu out of morbid curiosity.
She felt idiotic getting as dressed up as she was. It was already a pain in the ass to wake up every morning to straighten her hair and do her full seven-step skincare routine, but adding on a full face of makeup and a nude, loose-fitting cocktail dress that hadn't seen the light of day since her first college party somehow made it all harder.
She didn't want to make herself look that good for Dorien; he didn't deserve to see her in such a state. However, since the restaurant they were going to seemed so high-end, she'd be cutting off her nose to spite her own face if she decided to roll up in a tracksuit instead. Prettying up was a necessary evil here. She'd have to deal with his stupid goo-goo eyes and try not to gouge them out in the process.
She began chugging the water, hoping it would do something to ease her mind for the time being.
“Easy there, you’re going to choke,” Vienna warned over the noise coming from the TV.
Once she’d managed to down half of it, she relented. “That’s always the goal,” she said sarcastically.
“You should really try training up your gag reflex then. Trust me, it’s worth it.”
She could thank her lucky stars she wasn’t drinking at that moment because she’d have spit everything out.
“Maman,” she sputtered. “You’re disgusting.”
“I'll say!” Solene said.
"Gods almighty, Vienna, really?" Thea whined, sending a deadpan look toward Vienna, who snickered and covered her mouth.
“Whoops.”
Odette had to take a second to compose herself before she stormed back out to the living room. “I know it's not your thing, but you need something holy in your life. Church might be the answer," she jeered.
"No, I've resigned myself to the fact that I am a filthy sinner. I've found that all religion is good for is furthering my studies," Vienna chided, waving her hand dismissively. "Besides, Arcean services stopped being interesting when you barfing into my lap became a staple of us visiting."
They'd never been a religious family by any means. Vienna's specialty as a licensed Pokemon Professor had her dabbling in all walks of the occult sciences, so she was never one to focus on any one religion, and thankfully, didn't expect Odette to either.
However, that never stopped them from attending a few holiday services at the local Arcean church back in the day. But, the visits always ended with Odette's embarrassing nausea spells and subsequent emergency sprints to the bathroom. It was like her boredom with the long, drawn-out services manifested into physical illness each and every time.
Rolling her eyes, Odette crossed her arms. "Pardon me, not like I liked getting queasy every time we walked into that church. What, did they not teach you how to deal with children's vomit in teen mom school?"
Vienna threw a few chips into her mouth and barely chewed them before snapping back. "Of course they did, but that doesn't mean it was fun."
"Don't talk with your mouth full," Odette said.
"I'm forty fucking years old, I can do whatever the hell I want."
To that, Odette scoffed. "Forty years old with the mentality of an eighteen-year-old."
“Yep, all mental growth stopped as soon as they cut your preemie butt out of me, snookums," Vienna agreed, raising a thumb.
Odette wished she’d somehow grown some mental wall against Vienna’s out-of-pocket comments over the years. Something like that set them apart from other mother-daughter duos; Vienna liked to act more like an obnoxious older sister, and it didn’t help that she looked the part. People mistook them for siblings all the time. At forty years of age, she still managed to look like she was thirty-something.
“I’ll say it again. You’re disgusting,” Odette said.
"Well, I'll say that you're beautiful. You never dress like this," Vienna gushed.
"Are you even listening to me?"
"Mm, no. I'm too busy taking in the rare image of you in something that isn't a pair of fucking joggers."
Odette rolled her eyes so far back that it triggered a headache. She downed the rest of her water as she trudged back to her bathroom, throwing the empty bottle in the trashcan next to the sink. "Just for that, I'm spending my next paycheck on more joggers."
"Oh no, the humanity," Vienna laughed. "Why must you do us such a disservice and hide those dancer legs from the world?"
Odette decided the best way to stop the harassment was to ignore it. She began digging through her makeup trunk, trying to figure out what lipstick she should bother slathering on. She wondered if it would even be worth the trouble. Her lips looked perfectly fine without it, thanks to the blessing of Vienna's big billowy lip genes. And she didn't want to give Dorien more reason to stare at her.
"Hey Maman, do you have some chapstick anywhere?" she called.
"Probably somewhere in my bathroom. Or under my bed. Or in my underwear drawer. Who knows, really? I'm always losing them," Vienna said.
"Thanks, you're a real help."
RotomPhone, sitting on the back of the toilet, suddenly began to ring, and her shoulders tensed at the sound of it.
"Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Incoming call from Dorien 'Dickhead' Bonhomme!" he said, causing her to groan.
"Fuck," she muttered. She slammed her makeup trunk closed and slipped on the heels she'd set next to the bathtub. "Incoming, Solene!" she yelled, grabbing her phone and trudging back to the living room.
The gothitelle was already up at the door, holding Odette's purse.
"Need this?" she asked.
"Yep," Odette said, snatching the bag. "Let's get going."
Vienna paused the TV and threw her arms up in the air triumphantly. "Have fun, my love!" she said. "I slipped a condom in your purse just in case. It's a heat-activated one, so it's supposed to make things superb."
Thea's one good eye slipped shut, and she buried her face in her hand. "Vienna..."
Vienna shrugged. "What, she's in the game, and I want to ensure she's safe and having a good time. What the hell is wrong with that?"
If looks could kill, Vienna would have dropped dead under the intensity of the glare Odette sent her way. The mere thought of getting anywhere near Dorien was nauseating, but doing that? Even Solene looked disgusted.
"Oh my fucking--goodbye," Odette screamed, yanking open the door and slamming it shut once she and Solene were out in the hallway.
***
Another day, another private mode of transportation. A fucking yacht. She wasn't even as shocked as she'd been when she got onto his private jet earlier in the week. It was as if she was becoming desensitized to the sight of such extravagance.
She and Solene stood outside on the ship's aft deck, watching Avignon Town shrink behind them.
"There it goes," Solene said in a dejected whisper.
"There it goes indeed," Odette muttered back. She kept her arms crossed tight over her chest, fiddling nervously with the loose fabric hanging off her arm. She only stopped when Dorien approached her, holding two glasses of white wine.
"It's a bit of a ride out to the island," he said as he handed her one. "The place is only accessible by private boats and charters, so I hope you enjoy the trek."
"You always know how to pamper me," she said with her painstakingly crafted half-smile. She resisted the urge to recoil when he slinked an arm around her waist and instead settled for drinking some of the wine. Something to keep herself in place.
She wasn't expecting him to kiss her on the cheek, but she nearly choked on her sip when he did.
"Anything for you, Doll," he said tenderly.
If that was going to be the new thing, she suddenly regretted not packing a bottle of face wash in her purse. Or a can of bleach.
“My brother and I went to eat here months ago, but there was a waiting list of six months. Which is, unfortunately, pretty standard,” Dorien explained, swishing some white wine around in his glass. He then sipped from it. “I wonder, did you know this place even existed? You seem like the kind of person who’d frequent more...smaller scale joints, hm?”
The backhanded comment left her gritting her teeth. Still, she chuckled.
"No, I had no idea there was even a private island in Avignon,” Odette said sweetly. Years of acting classes did wonders in pulling off innocent facades. "But I trust you know all the good spots and will keep me educated, yeah?"
A goofy grin passed over his lips, and his eyes drooped smugly.
“Do you even have to ask? I'd show you the world if you'd let me," he declared, lightly bumping his forehead against hers. It would have been such a romantic line had it come from literally anybody else.
***
The restaurant itself was as gaudy as she expected. Every patron was dressed to the nines, even their Pokemon partners, all sitting around extravagant marble columns, diamond chandeliers, and pretty stone waterfalls built into the walls. The chatter was low, with the occasional sound of glasses clinking, wine being poured, and silverware tapping against plates. Odette felt like she would get charged a fee for just standing there and breathing.
They got their table relatively fast, and it wasn't long before Dorien launched another story about what he and his rich family and friends did in their spare time. It was really hard for her to keep up when she only wanted to shove a champagne flute down his throat.
"Have you ever been jet skiing before?" he asked her.
"Once, in Sinnoh. Part of a research expedition with my maman; her team went looking for jellicent, and they brought me along because I begged," she explained. "I think I was like...ten."
"Oh, that's fun," Dorien said teasingly. "Quaint. Nothing ever beats the jet skis we had in Paldea. They fit right into the yacht, and we were free to come and go as we pleased. But your excursion sounds neat too."
“Exca,” Excadrill said. Odette had never heard any Pokemon sound pompous, even when she couldn't understand its language, but she supposed there was a first time for everything. When not battling with its crazy, strengthened Earthquake, Excadrill looked and sounded like any rich person's Pokemon partner.
She swallowed the urge to glare at him and hid it behind a loving grin, which she accentuated by thoughtfully resting her cheek in her palm. She forced out an airy mix of a scoff and a chuckle, hoping it would be enough to mask any disdain wafting off of her.
"It was a long time ago, so I'd love to go again," she said dreamily.
"Say when, and I'll make arrangements," Dorien said.
"You're going to spoil me, Dory."
"That's the point. I imagine you haven't been spoiled enough, and I certainly want to change that."
Odette could barely hear the small growl that rose out of Solene. She nudged her under the table.
The complimentary bread she’d been munching on started to come back up. She casually rubbed her chest, coaxing it back down into her stomach. Barfing in a high-end restaurant like this was hardly “lying low.” She already felt out of place wearing her department store dress while it seemed every person and Pokemon around her was wearing designer attire. Even Excadrill was wearing a damn Dior jacket. She’d have asked Solene to put something nice on if she'd known.
“I'm looking forward to it. This week has been wonderful so far,” she purred. She picked up her glass of mineral water and sipped it, hoping to bide her time before she had to engage in more talk. She was mildly concerned when she didn’t hear a response and shot a glance at him. He’d yet to move, still gazing at her with that droopy-eyed look. It made her skin crawl.
She wished he’d just come out and say what he was thinking so she wouldn’t have to continue being looked at like this. Gods knew Solene was certainly over it.
A florges approached the table, two of the entrees balanced on her hands while the other two levitated off to her sides. She bowed politely like she had every time she came back to wait on them.
“Here you are,” she said, setting down the plates of food. She clasped her hands together and nodded again. “Is there anything else I can get for you?” she asked.
Dorien began setting his napkin in his lap while Excadrill mimicked him. “No, ma’am, we’re all set,” he said, and Odette was somewhat shocked he'd understood her. She didn't expect him to be familiar with how fairy types spoke.
The florges grinned broadly before hovering off to her next task, leaving Odette to gaze down at her food. She’d gone out of her way to get one of the cheapest things on the menu out of pure spite. She’d been very tempted by the beef bourguignon, but surely Dorien wanted her to spend his money. She wouldn't have ordered anything if she weren’t as hungry as she was. Instead, she opted for a mere chicken Caprese salad.
Dorien eyed it over his lobster meal and raised a brow. “That’s really all you’re going to eat?” he asked. “Even Solene got more than you.”
Odette looked at Solene, then down at her coq au vin. Solene stuck out her lower lip before grabbing a fork and stabbing one of the chunks of meat with it. She began to eat, and Odette shrugged her shoulders.
“I’m not that hungry,” she said. “But I guess Sol is.”
Dorien pursed his lips. “Are you trying to watch your figure?”
Odette’s eye started to twitch, and she had to claw into the tablecloth to get a grip on herself. She could see Solene tense up out of the corner of her eye.
“I actually think my figure's fine, don't you think?” The words physically hurt to say.
“What difference does it make?” Solene said stiffly, and Odette nudged her again.
Dorien chuckled and held up his hands defensively. “Oh, you don’t have to ask me. The dance lessons did you very well in the curves department.”
Her eyes cut to his neck. The collar of his pressed shirt and jacket didn’t cover it entirely. There was just enough exposed skin to allow an easy chokehold.
“Behave, Dorien. We're in public," she teased, swatting a hand toward him as she put all her energy into a shrill, bashful chuckle.
“Well, with your figure, I can’t help but look.”
It was amazing. He really thought he was being suave and flirtatious. She had to wonder if he listened to himself when he spoke. Maybe if he did, he’d realize he sounded like a douchebag. Or maybe not. Odette had started to realize that his head was so far up his ass that it was probably hard to see or hear anything else.
When she didn’t immediately respond, he clicked his tongue, removed his napkin from his lap, and stood up. He motioned for Excadrill to follow him.
“We’re going to go wash up. Don’t miss me too much while I’m gone!” he said with a smile.
The smile she forced might have been too fake, but she played it off by politely waving as he walked off. When she was positive both were out of earshot, she brought her hands to her face and exhaled deeply.
“I'm going to fry his synapses,” Solene hissed.
“I know, Sol, I know,” Odette said. “Imagine how I feel.”
Solene took another bite of her food. "Well, we wouldn't be in this mess if you didn't come up with such reckless ideas.”
Odette pulled her face from her hands and shot a look at the gothitelle. “How many times are you going to tell me you think this is dangerous? I think I’m well aware by now. You decided to come along, so stop nagging me about it."
“I said I was coming along to be the voice of reason. I'm simply doing my job,” she said with a shrug.
Odette groaned and brought her hand back to her face. She squeezed the bridge of her nose, hoping to ward off the headache that had manifested. There, she felt her mock-designer purse start vibrating on the back of her chair. She nearly jumped out of her skin to get to it, hurriedly pulling open the zipper to steal a look at the caller ID.
“Bzzzt! Incoming call from Noel Massé!” RotomPhone said as she read her friend’s name on the screen. She answered it before she held it to her ear.
“Noel,” she said in a breathless whisper. She brought a hand up to cover her mouth for good measure. “You need to come be a buffer. I’m going to stab him.”
A snicker on the other end. “We already decided that my tagging along would defeat the purpose of this.”
“I know, but holy fucking shit, this is the worst it’s been all week. It’s like he’s evolving into a bigger scumbag whenever he opens his mouth.”
“So what you’re telling me is he’s a Pokemon?” Noel queried.
“That’s an insult to every Pokemon,” Odette snapped. She noticed Solene glance at her from the corner of her eye, but decided to ignore it.
“Nothing new?” he said, a little more deflated this time.
Odette shook her head. “No. But he definitely thinks we're dating.” Saying it out loud, even quietly, made her shudder.
Noel was silent for a moment, possibly contemplating the statement. “You could capitalize on that. Play gold digger for a bit and wipe him clean of his money before he dies.”
“Pretty sure that only works if he’s seventy years older than me,” she said flatly.
“Well, you can hope he has some terminal illness you don’t know about. Or pray a grimer tries to crawl into his mouth while he’s sleeping.”
Odette laughed at the image of Dorien choking on that particular poison type before shaking her head again. “No amount of money in the world would be worth that,” she said. She paused to consider her next words. “I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth it.”
She had the acting down to a T, sure. She could titter at his misogynistic passes and put on the doe eyes while he talked to her about the new million-dollar car he just bought, but every time she did so, the anger would start to build. She'd gotten the hang of swallowing it down, but she'd only been at it for what, a week? And she was already exhausted. How long could she hold up before it all became too much?
Noel sighed. “We’re playing the long game here, and it’s only been a few days.”
She pursed her lips. He was right, as much as she didn’t want to admit it. She’d gone into this knowing Dorien wasn’t going to come out and say anything alarming, but she supposed she didn’t fully consider how long it would actually take. It was true that it hadn't been long, but she also hadn't been prepared for how excruciating the days would be.
At the very least, it kept her mind off everything else. So, she supposed she was getting something out of it. Besides, her maman and grandparents didn’t raise a quitter. She could stick it out.
“Hopefully, he says something sooner rather than later,” she sighed.
She felt a couple of hasty taps on her shoulder and glanced over to see Solene pointing toward the bathroom. Dorien and Excadrill were returning but had momentarily stopped at another table to talk with the diners.
Odette’s posture stiffened. “Okay, okay, gotta go, talk later,” she said quickly. She barely heard Noel’s response before hanging up and tossing the phone back into her bag. She’d just hung it back on her chair when Dorien and Excadrill sat back down.
“Sorry, sorry. Saw some friends and had to say hello,” he said.
“Took you long enough,” Odette replied, lacing a whine around her tone. "I really did start to miss you."
Dorien's eyes lit up momentarily, and he reached out and took hold of her hand as he poked his lower lip out. She made a mental note to scrub her fingers with a Clorox wipe later.
"You're so cute," he said. "Come, let's eat."
Odette pulled her hand away faster than she planned and went straight into her salad while Dorien started his meal. Much to her relief, that prevented any extra conversation from happening. They were all so caught up in their food that nothing was said for five minutes. It was bliss.
“So,” Dorien said after he finished a bite. He politely brought his napkin to his lips and dabbed them off. “I have something I want to ask you.”
Odette suppressed a groan. She swallowed whatever she had before exchanging quick looks with Solene. “What would that be?”
Dorien smirked, and she felt the sting of a metaphorical Ice Beam rock her chest.
“Nothing major,” he said. “I just had a slight concern.”
“Why, because you’re hanging out with a commoner?” she asked jokingly, raising her brow.
He chuckled, almost...darkly. She kept up her smug smile but began to kick off her high-heeled shoes in case her instinct to run came back in full force. She felt it bubbling in the back of her head.
“Well, as you know, I come from a lot of money,” he said. He reached out, took hold of her hand again, and began intertwining his fingers with hers. A bleach bath might be in order after the Clorox wipe.
“My father raised my brothers and me to protect that fortune, so naturally, when I start seeing somebody new, I do my research.”
She couldn't help but narrow her eyes as they darted from their locked hands to his face. Where the hell was he going with this? She grabbed her near-empty glass of water and began to drink again to keep her other hand busy, and Dorien must have taken that as a sign to keep going.
“I wanted to ask you about the manslaughter case you were involved in last year.”
Odette choked on her next gulp and began to cough violently. She wrenched her hand away from him as she slammed her cup back down, then lowered her head to avoid drawing attention to herself.
“Well, I guess it was more of a self-defense killing, considering the victim raped you, right? So that makes you the victim, I suppose...”
The mixture of pure shock from his questions and her water going down the wrong pipe made it impossible to stop coughing. She was certain she would choke to death with this asshole and his mole watching until suddenly, her throat loosened up. The next thing she knew, she could breathe again.
Odette sucked in a couple of greedy breaths to refill her shriveled lungs. She looked back over to Solene, seeing that her hands were engulfed in her signature pink glow. Odette didn’t even have time to thank her because of the anger exploding from the spot on her back. She had half a mind to flip the table right then and there.
“Stop,” she said, loud enough to turn a few heads. So much for holding out for much longer. But she didn't care now. Fuck lying low when she was in the presence of such audacity.
“You’ve got a lot of fucking nerve,” she menaced. “Seriously, you thought that was something I would want to discuss with you?”
Dorien held up his hands, but it looked more like he was going through the motions of being startled. Like he was doing it to save face, though Odette was positive that he didn’t care about that. He wouldn’t have asked about something like that or even gone as far as to look it up in the first place if he wasn’t trying to get under her skin. There was no way.
“I see you’re upset.” His emphasis on that last word prompted a chill to run down her spine, but she was far too mad to acknowledge it.
She started to drink the rest of her water for her own sake. She needed to calm down before she did something too rash. Her mind, despite the angry fog, was flooding with questions.
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why did he do that? Why is he going there? Why does he need to know that?
She hadn’t felt this exposed since the story dropped. Since she heard people accusing her of doing what she did out of jealousy, out of anger. Even with the overwhelming support she received from the other students at the school, some thought she just did it for attention. And his family. Gods, his fucking family. She couldn’t deal with the scrutiny, and now here she was, dealing with that same thing from the very person she probably despised just as much as him.
Dorien continued, apparently unfazed. “I apologize, but it’s not every day you read that your date killed her drama professor in near cold blood.”
Her grip on her glass tightened.
“What was his name? Jordan Deschamps?” he asked.
Crack.
The glass shattered in her hand, shards falling into her lap and on the floor. She could feel some of the shards digging into her skin, and saw crimson start to stream from the wounds, but she felt no pain. All she could feel was the heat of her rage.
“Ma’am are you okay?!” a passing waiter yelped. The sentret walking with him chirped in alarm. “Sen! Tret! Sen!”
Odette couldn’t find the words to respond. She finally regained feeling in her hand and flexed it, allowing the heavier glass shards stuck in her skin to dislodge themselves. Solene quickly grabbed her wrist and pressed her napkin to the wounds to slow the bleeding.
“Odette? Are you alright?” Solene said frantically.
It was only then that the pain of the gashes started to register. Other waiters, waitresses, and their accompanying partners started crowding around the table. Their questions slurred together in her foggy mind; several more forced “are you okay’s?” managed to break through. One of the workers, who she assumed to be the manager or something of the sort, was phoning for a first aid kit over the headpiece he was wearing.
Through all of that, she peered back over at Dorien. She wished she could say she was surprised that she couldn’t find a lick of remorse on his face, but she was far from that. His eyes had gone dark, and she recognized that threatening hostility from class just those few days before.
The fight or flight senses were kicking in again, but they were truly at odds this time. She both wanted to bolt from the restaurant and make him bleed too.
But, as soon as the manager approached him, that malicious look was replaced with a worried frown. He said something about being shocked, about how he wasn’t sure what happened, but also how they most likely wouldn’t need to call an ambulance. The manager looked relieved by that, then said something else about a free meal. At least, that’s what it sounded like. Dorien glanced down at the diamond-encrusted watch on his wrist, and she couldn’t pick up on much else after that.
“I’m good,” she finally said. “We’ll take the check. I want to go home.”
“Ma’am, at least let us wrap the wound up for your travels, okay?” said a waitress. The chansey standing next to her nodded in agreement.
She shook her head and shrugged. “Fine. But I’m okay. Really.”
***
“I really am sorry. I didn’t think a glass would shatter in your hand.”
She refused to look at him. She refused to give him any more of her time. She was over it.
Instead, she zeroed in on the throbbing in her bandaged hand to keep herself from punching him as she stormed to the opposite end of the yacht. She very well could have punched him. It'd be so easy. The only other people on the ship were the captain and the sparse staff. Nobody was around, so nobody would see her swinging at him.
It'd be so easy.
“C’mon, Odie, talk to me.”
She leaned over a railing on whatever deck she'd come upon, focusing her attention on the passing waves. Perhaps she could find a life jacket and throw herself overboard. She'd take the displeasure and possible dangers of swimming home over having to share a private charter with Dorien for the forty-five minutes it would take them to get back to the mainland. It'd probably be worth it.
Why did he have to drop such a question on her when there was no other way to get away from him? She had no choice but to get back on the boat. She had no choice but to be in close proximity to him after that. She couldn't help but feel like something about it was planned, which only caused her to seethe more.
“She would rather not,” Solene said, standing stiffly at Odette's side, serving as the much-needed buffer. She kept her hand on Odette’s arm, ready to jump into action if necessary.
“You know, the ride would be easier if you put Solene back in her ball,” Dorien said tentatively. "We can talk about this more privately."
“I think she’s fine where she is,” Odette said, not turning to look at him.
“You, on the other hand, should walk away,” Solene added.
She heard Dorien sigh and step closer. “C’mon, sweetheart, I didn’t mean any harm. It was a genuine concern.”
“Yep, you just kept rubbing salt in the wound, you fucking psychopath.”
He was silent for a while. She hoped he'd stay that way until they pulled back into the shipyard. Then she could call a taxi and be rid of him.
She'd deal with the "I told you so's" from Solene and Enora; she'd be able to shake that off easily. But being asked about her rape? Not so much.
“I’m sorry,” he said dejectedly. “I clearly got very carried away.” His tone was remorseful, and she'd think he was sincere if she didn’t know any better.
“I think it’s a lot more than that, but whatever helps you sleep on your bed of roses at night.”
She turned away and stormed to another area, only stopping when she found a sofa to sit on. Perhaps it wouldn't be a major loss if she threw him overboard. No life jacket, no nothing. Just left him to the elements. Played stupid and claimed inebriation. Cut her losses and called it a day.
There were far too many ways for that to go wrong, but at least the mental image of him toppling into the ocean gave her some humorous reprieve from her pulsing anger and the throb in her palm.
Her reprieve was short-lived, because Dorien came bounding around the corner. Solene tensed and eyed him closely, and Odette could see her hands beginning to glow.
"Dorien, go the fuck away," Odette growled. "I don't have anything to fucking say to you, and I don't have interest in hearing what you have to say either. Stay the fuck away from us, or it's not going to end well for you."
Dorien sighed deeply, then checked his watch. She had half a mind to rip it off his wrist and beam it at his head.
"Did you hear me? Are you fucking deaf? I don't care that it's your boat, I want to be away from you. Piss off."
“I did say the ride would be easier if you’d put her back in her ball. Hopefully, I have enough.”
She opened her mouth to say something but was caught entirely off guard when she got a fist full of some red dust in her face. It started to sting as soon as it made contact with her eyes.
“What the fu--”
A violent cough cut her off. She could hear Solene coughing too, but could not open her eyes to get a good look at her. She didn’t have enough time to let herself be mad that this guy had just pepper sprayed her because her brain was going into emergency mode.
Need milk, need water...stop coughing, stop inhaling it in...need to get away, now.
“1:30 to 2:47,” she heard Dorien say.
The expletives began to well up in her throat, but it was far too busy constricting, trying to ward off the effects of the dust. She found the slightest bit of solace in feeling Solene’s hand on her arm, but the fact that she couldn’t see or help her was causing panic to set in.
She regained control of her body and realized she'd fallen to her hands and knees. If she could crawl along, find the captain...maybe there was a life raft she could use to get off the yacht, even out in the middle of the water...
No sooner had the thought set in did the effects of the vapor vanish. The stinging in her eyes ceased, and her throat opened. The panic vanished, and Odette was suddenly in a daze, wondering briefly where she was. Something had just happened, but she couldn't put her finger on what. She felt like she'd had too much to drink...had she? Where was she? Right, Dorien’s boat. They were returning from the private island restaurant. She looked over at Solene, who was darting her head around tiredly.
She then looked to Dorien, who was kneeling down next to her. The concern was clear in his gaze.
“Are you alright?” he asked. “I had no idea you were such lightweights, or I wouldn’t have ordered that much wine. You seemed fine leaving the restaurant but got really lightheaded just now.”
Right. That's what happened. Getting overzealous on the drinks and then getting on a rocking boat was hardly a good idea. Odette’s temples throbbed, and she reached up to massage them. A sharp pain radiated from her palm, and she recoiled from getting a good look at the bloodied bandage.
“When did I--” she started to ask.
“You broke a glass, remember? You tried to pick it up and cut yourself really badly. They wrapped you up before we left.”
She thought about it for a second and was relieved to find that she indeed remembered. Whatever wine she had hadn't shot her memory of the day entirely. Anger surged from her back again. How could she have been so stupid? Breaking fancy glassware was hardly laying low.
She shook her head abruptly. “Sorry. I know better than to drink that much during the day.”
“Goodness, what were we thinking...” Solene slurred in agreement.
“Well, we'll be home soon. In the meantime, you two can lie down if you need to. There are places to sleep on the lower deck," he assured her, helping her back to her feet and easing her onto the couch. Odette used her free hand to pull Solene to sit next to her.
"Yeah," she said dazedly. "I should try to sleep this off."
***
As the car turned down Gigavolt Way and came to stop in front of her apartment complex, Odette felt a sense of relief. She craved the comfort of her own bed. Not before a good shower, of course.
"Finally," she groaned, picking her head off Dorien's shoulder. He'd insisted she put it there when they got in the car, and being so inebriated, she had to push herself extra hard to stay in character. And, as much as she hated to admit it, his shoulder was far comfier than the window.
The door unlocked, and she stared at it for a long while before pushing it open. Her body felt light as she stepped out of the car, but somewhere in the back of her mind, she felt...dread. Like there was something wrong. Of course, that had to be Dorien’s doing. She could never feel at ease when she was near him.
She pushed the door shut behind her once she was sure she had Solene's ball in her bag, but the window rolled down before she could walk away.
“Do you need me to walk you up?" Dorien asked.
She suddenly felt a little soberer and whipped around to face him. No, he and Vienna could not cross paths. He had no business coming into her safe haven, either. "No, don't worry about it. I'll get myself there."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. You've done enough for me, I'm a big girl," she insisted. She hoped she didn't sound too direct, but judging by the warm smile he sent back to her, there was nothing to worry about.
"Alright, fine. But, before I forget, I need to give this to you,” Dorien said as he leaned on the sill. He produced a yellow envelope and held it out to her.
“There’s a big social gala happening this weekend, and I’d like you to come,” he said. “That’s your invite. I don’t expect you to know anybody there, so you’re more than welcome to bring a plus one if it would make you more comfortable. But you’ll still be going as my date.”
The possessiveness behind that ‘my’ made her skin crawl. She eyed him, trying not to let her disgust show on her face, before snatching the envelope away.
“Can't wait,” she said.
A half smile crossed Dorien’s face. “Kiss goodbye?” he asked, reaching out to her.
She swallowed down a drunken bald-faced laugh while she shoved the envelope into her purse. But that drunken bald-faced laugh quickly melted into something that caused her stomach to ache.
You're acting. It's a stage kiss. You've done these before.
She inhaled a deep, readying breath, then took his hand. He pulled her close to the door and planted a sweet peck on her lips. Well, it would have been sweet if it didn't taste like fucking acid to her. She was grateful that he didn't do anything more than that.
"Go get some rest, Doll. I'll see you later." He ran a loving finger across her cheek while he spoke before retreating back into the car and rolling up the window. He was speeding off around the corner after that.
For some reason, even though he was gone and she'd gotten the date over, something still felt wrong. She decided to tell herself it was just the booze.
***
Through her inebriated haze, Odette was at least satisfied to see that Vienna had clothed herself. Her hair was sopping wet from a fresh shower, and her face was coated in a gray clay mask. Thea was at the table reading something.
"Oh, hi! You're home early," Vienna said. "I guess you didn't use my present."
"I'll kill you," Odette said dazedly, kicking off her heels next to the door. She grabbed Solene's ball out of her bag and opened it, allowing Solene to wobble over to the couch and throw herself onto it. Still sobering herself up, it looked like.
“Awwww, come on now, I’m just busting your balls,” Vienna whined, twirling a lock of her curly hair around her finger. She then stood and held her hands out before her, beckoning for a hug.
“Give maman some sugar.”
“Just because you said it like that, no.”
Vienna stepped toward her. “Pleeeeassseee? I missed my little red-eye so much.”
Odette stared at her for a long while. She ultimately decided she couldn't say no and stepped over to lay her ringing head on Vienna's shoulder. The tension left her body when she felt her mother's fingers rub over the back of her neck. In the face of what some might call their “unconventional relationship,” Vienna somehow always knew what she needed. She was a good mum. A lunatic but still a good mum.
“Whatsa matter? You look more disgruntled than usual,” Vienna asked, letting her go. "Let me guess. Wine?"
“Too much wine,” Odette huffed, picking her head back up.
Vienna chuckled. “Can’t believe I birthed such a lightweight. I wish--” As she spoke, her eyes traveled down toward the floor. Her words abruptly stopped, and she reached down and grabbed Odette’s bandaged hand.
“Oh, that’s--”
Vienna furrowed her brow as she examined her palm. “What happened?”
“Yeah, that...” Odette yanked her hand away and began to caress it herself. “Glass broke; cut myself trying to clean it. Nothing deep enough for stitches. Just needs to be re-bandaged.”
Vienna’s gaze became a little more intense, and she crossed her arms over her chest. “According to whom?”
Odette didn’t immediately have an answer for that. She had to close her eyes and think long and hard about why she was so sure.
“One of the first aid chansies at the restaurant,” she recalled. It sounded right. “I trust their judgment.” Mostly because the thought of having to get stitches sent a chill down her back that matched the ones Dorien gave her. No, thank you.
Vienna paused to consider the statement, then chuckled. “Jeez, honey, if you needed a stress ball so badly, all you had to do was ask. I keep twenty in my desk at the lab.”
Odette let out a sardonic laugh as she leaned against the dining table. “I'm good, but thank you for the offer."
“So, what's the deal? He doesn't do it for you?” Vienna wondered.
Odette flared her nostrils. “I wouldn't say that," she lied. She wasn't quite sure how to word herself here. As much as she wanted to vent about what was happening, she'd promised to keep this under wraps. The less Vienna knew meant, the less she could tell Bernard, and the less she would get caught in the act of...whatever it was she had gotten herself into.
"It’s just...I don't know. Don't want to move too fast, you know?"
The fact that she was talking about this, even as an act, hurt.
“Good on you!" Vienna praised. "I could have learned a thing or two from somebody like you. Would have saved me from people like your sperm donor."
Odette’s nose crinkled in a grimace, as it always did when Vienna decided it would be a good idea to bring up her unknown father. “Well, anybody could have told you that messing around with someone twice your age was bad.”
“They did. I didn't listen,” Vienna said, shrugging. “But, how can I be regretful when I got your cute face out of it?” She reached out and squeezed Odette’s cheeks for good measure. “Red eyes and all.”
She let go and went toward the kitchen, where she dug around in the fridge for gods knew what. Odette silently watched her and let her head start to the right itself. She glanced over at Solene, who was on the verge of sleep. It actually made Odette more sleepy, too.
“I’m going to take a shower,” she announced.
“Left a lot of hot water. Don’t drown, love ya!” Vienna called.
She hobbled over to her bathroom door. Certainly, the hot water would bring her back entirely and allow her to adequately examine the day's events. Though, she wasn’t sure what was there to pick apart. Aside from her shitty luck with glassware, it was remarkably uneventful. At least from what she could recall. She really knew better than to drink that much, especially in the presence of such a problematic person.
What were she and Solene thinking? Last she remembered, Solene didn't even like most alcohol.
However, she did manage to snag an invite to another place. He’d called it a gala, which undoubtedly meant many people would be there. A perfect opportunity to perhaps see past Dorien and look to his colleagues instead. She could even bring Noel to be a buffer if she needed it.
“Hey, maman?” she said. “This is probably a long shot, but do you have any designer-brand dresses I can borrow?”
She heard a cabinet slam and a chip bag crinkled. “Yeah, I stole a few from your nana. I don't know what'll fit you, but we can go through it later.”
Odette smiled and wearily pushed open the door, looking forward to the end of such an obnoxious day.
hi hi, here for catnip and some overdue thoughts on this! honestly mad props to keeping up with edits throughout the months--it's been a while since I last read for the beta, but it looks like things have been tidied up, some sections moved around, etc. in general I think things cleaned up pretty nicely. Reviewing to the end of chapter 3 for now since that's as far as I ended up pulling line quotes for (although I was pretty quotes-lite with this one! sorry. wrote u some rambly paragraphs instead).
Honestly I'm always here for aggressively edgy interpretations of the pokemon canon, so sure, I'll fuck with some seven deadly sins legendaries. I like the fakemon as a concept, and just adding this in because I think it might make you laugh--on my first readthrough I accidentally conflated this with my personal headcanon that the ultra beasts are Alola's version of this (with the S/M original seven being the seven deadly sins, and then blacephelon is symbolizing the sin of promising weekly updates (extreme clownface) and not delivering and naganadel is the sin of throwing your lego bricks on the floor and idk what stakataka is ever doing besides vibing tbh). So I was like "huh, maybe Gullative is the French name for Guzzlord" and anyway I'm an idiot. Florent kind of treads the line of "I'm realistic and edgy" and "bad guy who kills his grunts for fun, not realizing how this fucks pretty hard with recruitment rates", but in general his vibe with Gullative and his general Inability to fully reign them in is a nice establishing moment. He's very extra in his cruelty, especially with Armel, but I'm curious to see how he develops and how his plot ends up intersecting with Odette's in the long-term. Luckily he did a great job of tracking down and killing an actual baby, a job that he explicitly stated would be super easy to accomplish.
In particular I like how early we get immediate plot ties to Odette and she's the kind of person who wants to get shit done. It gives you an excuse to start off the story more or less when you need to, which is good for juggling the wide genre gap between "man blood summons the manifestation of primal sins" and "protagonist receives passive aggressive post-its about talking backstage". There's definitely a lot of gap to try to marry between the prologue and the rest of the fic, and I get the vibe that we'll eventually build Odette's storyline to match the grimness of the prologue rather than the other way around. Lots of balls being juggled in the background, and I like the decision to move some of the grandpa/sacrilege things up to earlier chapters; it lets you lay the groundwork in a much more coherent way that builds up in conjunction with Odette's other problems, rather than after/apart from them.
Odette strikes me as a bit self-focused--some notes on that in the line edits. Not a bad thing and honestly as a character-trait it's helpful for establishing her strongly in these early scenes, but it does make some interesting clashes with her fear of performance, being perceived, etc. I really like the theatrical theming here, both in terms of the flavor feeling accurate to what I remember, and the idea of Odette always looking out for performances/lies/masks, as well as doing a non-trivial amount of performance around her friends as well. In a fic that I imagine devolves into a lot of manipulative Dorien/Florent shit and more people getting eaten, etc etc, it's a really good background prop to integrate those small lies/character traits with a more tangled/facade-driven plot. Swan lake is a happy story, right?
The second chapter dragged a little for me--there's a lot of emotional focus on the buildup/rage/calm down with the speed racers in traffic, and I understand why you wanted to establish that at this point in the story, but it does feel wholly separate from the section where Odette admits to [idk this one feels like more blatant spoilers so I'll spoil it in case anyone is reading] murdering her assaulter, and the emotional focus of the chapter seems to prioritize the former over the latter. And again I get structurally why you'd want that--it's a lot of internal monologue for one chapter to address both topics, and it makes perfect sense that Odette isn't really in the headspace to confront those feelings at this time--but as a plot beat it feels weird to introduce after a scene where Odette/Noel make a big deal of confronting emotions and calming down, self-grounding, etc, but then the resolution here really quickly shifts into discussions about mimikyu care. I wonder if the order could be swapped around a bit: maybe it comes earlier in the chapter and it's a little more clear that her rage at people who disregard the safety of others has Very Personal Roots, and then the defusing scene would kind of pull a double-purpose of getting to both the personal skeletons as well as the literal embodiment of wrath living in her head--with the lingering feeling that both of these are just temporarily put to sleep, not fully buried. Dunno! The structure of this chapter, with so much banter and setup, makes the first half feel very slow and the second half feel pretty packed with emotional revelation, and it might be worth looking at how those end up fitting together.
Third chapter rewrite is pretty slick! Mostly kept my comments in the line edits but I like the new structure here and it's a lot more clear that Dorien isn't exactly good news. Slow burns are great but have you considered having your creepy guy just whisper creepily in someone's ear that he's stunned no one's boned her??? I appreciated the more strong reactions and thoughts from Odette here as well; she feels a lot more active in steering the chapter here and it felt like a much more natural progression from "friend!?" to "absolutely not". Dorien also comes across as more smarmy in this version and in particular I like how Odette picks up/focuses on how he's able to make other people like him--I'm sure that that won't cause her any issues in the future.
Fun early chapters so far; hoping to compile thoughts on the rest in the near-term!
some prose thoughts, largely with no rhyme or reason:
Team Enigma usually functioned like a well-oiled machine, but the sirens prompted chaos. Grunts ran around trying to gain information from one another, but every grunt was just as clueless as the next. Some just stood by and waited for further instructions from their feared leader, but nothing of the sort came.
As an establishing moment that jumps immediately into a close-Florent narration, I was left wondering why this section was told so distantly. The image of atypical chaos is a good one, but it's weird in an opening since it's atypical for someone (here, the grunts, who we don't get to see really closely), just not the reader. I think tying this narration closer to Florent, like you end up doing with a lot of the rest of this section, would help ground things better + would allow you to introduce character/setting/plot more or less simultaneously, rather than having to go through them separately.
[what i mean by this--my brain's a bit too fried for prose rewrites but it'd be something like Florent throwing open the doors to the keep, looking disdainfully at his grunts who are not functioning like the well-oiled machine he needs them to, getting fearful glances from grunts who want instructions from him, and storming furiously into his highly secure keep that this very professionally-professioned hold is absolutely keeping safe and protected. I think this would help keep the narration tighter in the intro section, where the jumping around made it hard to get a sense for what was actually being established]
"blinked" and "hue" kind of trip me up from a descriptive perspective, and it feels like extra words in what's supposed to be a tense scene--could just as easily be "all the lights the ceiling blinked/flashed/flared/cycled red" and I think the gist would still be there.
gas masks seem kind of comedic in what's trying (?) to juggle a more grounded setting? unless there was some reference to why they'd actually want to wear them in this place that I missed. reminds me of color-coordinated team uniforms and stuff; it's an aesthetic that I think works in a more cartoonish world, but it feels pretty out of place in a setting that has guns and blood summoning and legal slave trade and legendary pokemon themed around sins.
Some of the prologue in particular felt a bit wordy/drawn out, and I wasn't sure why. "bad guy storms through his stronghold to find an important Thing stolen" is a pretty common (and effective! it works here imo) opener, and this early in the story it's not like I'm even invested in making sure he keeps these relics or not, so there isn't quite the tension of, oh no, the glass, oh no, it's broken. This section could probably be slimmed to something like "His heart dropped when he saw that the glass that normally protected the balls inside was completely shattered" or something--sometimes less can be more.
I don't quite know why he needs to read the label? Seems like he's the only one who's allowed to touch them and he's very invested in them, so I don't know why he'd be confused about which one is in the final slot (or why he'd label them in the first place--doesn't seem like it'd benefit him and he hardly seems the type to make things easier for anyone else)
"stood" also struck me as a weird verb for a Pokeball, which is notably spherical and doesn't really have a sit/stand position that makes sense.
It's the "let's eat grandma" comma here--p sure I've seen you use it correctly in later sections so this is probably a typo + I'll skip the explanation, but if you're unsure, let me know!
"tone of disbelief" and him asking a question didn't quite parse for me--it seems obvious that someone asking a question doesn't believe what's happening, so I wasn't sure why this was being clarified/emphasized in the narration.
"a single Pokeball" might read smoother as "the single Pokeball" imo--if you're emphasizing that normally people pull out more than one pokeball at a time, then "a single pokeball" makes sense; if you're emphasizing that normally people carry more than one pokeball total, then "the single pokeball" helps in this case.
This is kind of a personal thing, so feel free to disregard, but I've only ever tildes in playful text--I get the vibe that Gulattive is absolutely fucking with people, but that's conveyed clearly enough in dialogue/action that I'm not sure if the association with, like, uwu tumblr and buzzfeed articles is also necessary to get that point across. To me it's a little like using emojis unironically in the body text (aka not in a setting where a character is texting/typing)--it feels like a weird flavor of fourth wall/meta break that doesn't need to be there.
He felt quite stupid for forgetting her so easily. It hadn't even been a full year yet, and considering how hard he’d fallen for her, it was almost criminal. The time he’d spent with her was time he never thought he’d let leave his mind.
However, with remembering Vienna, came remembering why he’d decided to cast her out of his mental space in the first place.
That was a no-brainer. A newborn couldn’t willingly give up the possession, so the demise of it would have to do. Not that he minded killing for such a gain.
"not that he minded killing for such a gain" felt extraneous--the callous disregard for life is pretty well-established with "the demise of it would have to do"
His Pokemon, a Simisear, attempted to take a firearm from one of the first responders, and was subsequently gunned down. The Simisear was later found to have lethal amounts of sacrilege in his system. The Lumiose City PD declined to--
I'm not entirely sure why a simisear would go for a gun, no matter the weirdness of the drugs? If anything being drugged would probably make them more inclined to lash out/go for more base instincts, like breathing fire or scratching?
likewise I think some of the dialogue tags this chapter, especially with Noel, end up a little extraneous--it's pretty evident from his continued questions and such that his interest is apparent.
I think this used to be in chapter 3! But I like the retooling earlier; I think it fits here better. I do wish we got to see the signs that tip Odette off to the toll this is taking on him--would be a good way to establish how she tries to be Reading people.
I kind of like how Odette's thoughts tend to steer back towards herself here, especially after she does a similar thing with the grandpa inner monologue earlier--it's this fun mix of her being afraid to perform/be seen by people and also internally inserting herself into her assessments of everyone else that makes her feel kind of spiky/flawed in a way that I quite enjoy.
“You wouldn’t need to, people would flock to see a shiny Pokemon do anything. People love the novelty,” another dancer said jokingly, prompting some agreeing chatter.
oh no. I do like the idea that pokemon are allowed to perform/don't necessarily have to only be battlers, but I'm curious about the extent of this--if a luxray who didn't belong to a vocalist still wanted to sing, for example, would the luxray be able to do that or are they kinda shit outta luck?
This one [comma splice] comes up a lot, but mostly only in your dialogue. Basically, when you have two independent sentences, you can't join them with a comma. So these could read as:
> "You have the group chat. Just complain there like you always do," Odette suggested.
> "You have the group chat, so just complain there like you always do," Odette suggested.
> "You have the group chat; ust complain there like you always do," Odette suggested.
"indeed" felt kind of weird here since usually it's refuting something/expressing doubt (ie someone is like "is it raining?" and they go outside and it's indeed raining), but the doubt was in a previous chapter a lot of words before and no one was thinking about the weather until here.
“I figure, since I’m the versed motorist here, I have a better chance of surviving any crashes without a helmet than he would,” Odette explained.
Acadia didn’t buy it. Still living out what was left of her Mum Mode, she bent down so that her eyes were level with Odette’s. Her brow began to twitch, and she tightly crossed her arms over her chest.
“I still don’t understand why you straighten your hair,” he sighed. He grabbed one of her braids and began to tug on it playfully. “Your curls are amazing, and you would rock the Luxray mane look.”
Odette pressed her lips together. “Until you have thick curly hair to deal with every day, don’t yell at me about what I do to mine,” she said. “I like my braids, and my braids like me.”
In general this section felt a little slow--I do empathize with the need to establish this information and these characters, but it feels a little disjointed from the actual plot, and this bit was the most glaring to me.
Noel shook his head in disbelief, pushing the button on the wall. “I mean, still...he’s taking a long time to acclimate to ball life. How long has it been, six months?”
poor bby :(
I didn't remember this context when I was beta'ing but this puts a lot of Loic's behaviors in a new light! Poor baby is homesick and lashing out! Paints pokemon in kind of a shitty position if they can just be relocated around the world and not really have any productive way to express that discomfort, while humans shrug and wonder when the pokemon will just get over themselves and their * checks notes * desire for a familiar home environment and culture.
Odette began to cough, feeling that tickle starting to return to her back again, along with a new tightness in her lungs. She grabbed a plastic cup full of water from the sink, and dumped it on the fires. They fizzled out, and Ange slumped over, clearly winded from whatever energy he’d been exerting.
Solene drew in some air and put her hands together. An orb of pink light formed between them, and suddenly, the smoke still left in the room began to ball together. The ball then hovered out the open balcony doors, and said doors slammed shut behind it. The beeping stopped, and Odette sighed in relief. She began to rub her back, as if trying to coax the tingling sensation out of it.
I'm kind of curious to the extent that Solene can make her own decisions here--"clear out the smoke so we don't choke" seems like a pretty obvious conclusion, and one that's less complex than "deciding how to make dinner" and "gently pack the glassware specifically without being told to focus on that", so I thought it was kind of weird that Odette needed to point this specific thing out, unless the idea is that only Odette is bothered by the smoke/breathing?
She hoped, in some way, shape or form, tomorrow would steer clear of the weird brushes with the past. Just a day at Santalune Pokemon Academy, focused on nothing but training. That was all she was asking for.
I like this addition/retool--specifically the emphasis that she's sugarcoating is nice here, since it lets us know that Odette probably has deep Thoughts here but she's not going to get into it in this exact second. It's a great way to telegraph that this will be an issue later while still letting you focus on the more short-term conflicts this chapter.
Did she find it as annoying back then as she did now? Probably not, because that suave-speak had a huge hand in their straight A’s. But now? It sounded like Mawile teeth on a chalkboard.
“Trainers! Ready yourselves!” Mrs. Chuquete called excitedly. “The first three pokemon you send out will be the only ones you can battle with. Choose wisely!”
I was wondering why Odette was so fussed about figuring out her third/trying to anticipate what Dorien's third would be if they don't have to select their full teams before the match and instead can pick as the match progresses--i.e. the theorycrafting around "who should I bring if Dorien brings poliwhirl but will he even bring poliwhirl?" seems less important in favor of making sure you can force your opponent to send out their third pokemon first so you can guarantee to back them into a corner. Plus, in the full arc of the chapter, the planning for third words felt a bit wasted since she didn't even need a third.
The Charm had definitely done its job; as long as Solene kept her Reflect going, and Excadrill remained charmed, the attack powers would be cut almost in half.
Not sure if we're ripping directly from the games here, but Reflect is half damage and Charm is half damage (a single charm reduces a target to 0.5x attack under most circumstances), so it'd be 0.25x attack? idk. feels stupidly nitpicky to point out in fic but I'm also not sure how "attack powers would be cut almost in half" is quantified consistently in this universe.
"the attack powers" also feels like a weird phrasing--maybe "its attacking prowess" or "its attack power" or something
Excadrill replied, resting its hand on the burn. It glared intently at Ange, who chirped politely. It waved at the Excadrill, before turning to look at Odette.
This realization felt a little less momentous than in the beta with Thunderpunch vs other metagross attacks--X-Scissor (use claw) seems like it'd definitely have a different/more visible windup compared to Iron Head (use face), so Odette picking up on the difference here feels a lot less like a testament to her ability to observe complex actions in real time. I think this would work a lot better as an establishing moment if she picked up on, say, Metal Claw vs X-Scissor instead. Or the point is that she's actually not as good as a strategist as she thinks, in which case, yes, excellent.
Something about the way he said it sent a chill up her back. Did nobody catch that? Did nobody find that concerning? She thought back to the
case she’d read about the drugged out Coalossal eating a Vaporeon mid-battle.
This is always interesting to me because her way of defending herself hinges around beating up the conkeldurr. It's a fun flavor of proxy war and it's always fascinating for me to see where the line of "I beat you" meets "I beat your pokemon" meets "I beat what you stand for".
This chapter was NOT beta read, so please be gentle on your critiques!
The collective brightness of Noel’s four computer monitors seemed to overpower the light being emitted by the lamp next to his bed. Odette hung off the back of his ergonomic chair, as her eyes locked on the words he’d managed to pull up.
Virtue Corp is an organization dedicated to the protection and rehabilitation of Pokemon that have been exposed to, and otherwise harmed, as a result of the disgraceful Shiny Trade. Our goal is to not only protect these mistreated Pokemon, but to abolish the Shiny Trade as a whole.
He fell back against his backrest with a dazed huff, and Odette slowly crossed her arms.
“Well there you have it. Official website and everything,” Noel said.
She raised her hand to her cheek and began to scratch it pensively. “And nothing about J.L. Ménétries?” she asked for the third time since she’d gotten to his house.
Noel exhaled gruffly and leaned back over his desk. He began to click through the rather elegantly crafted website. Odette noticed the accents of pastel pink that appeared against the sleek white background; it matched perfectly with the color of the wax seal.
He pulled up the menu titled, blatantly, Our Main Staff, and began to hastily scroll through it. The random set of names flew by, accompanied by walls of text that might have been these people’s life stories, but nothing that matched the name she’d seen at the end of the note.
“I told you, nothing’s here. There isn’t even a person on here who has a name starting with a J,” he explained. “I know that doesn’t mean shit because a pseudonym could be anything but you know…”
He clicked to another area of the website and began to skim it over. “I couldn’t even find anything about a ‘J.L.’ anywhere else. Nothing that tied him to something like this. So as far as we know, the guy doesn’t exist.”
“Ittelle!”
Both Odette and Noel turned to look at the far end of the room, next to the closet, where Enora, Isaur, and Solene were playing Twister with Noel’s Braviary, Talonflame, and Vullaby. Solene, the leader she was, had taken to spinning the wheel and making the calls. The latter five were already twisted and turned all around each other. A series of groans fell out of them at the new instruction, right foot red apparently, and suddenly, Talonflame lost his winging and fell flat on his face.
“Flaaaay!”he cried.
“Gothi,” Solene replied coolly.
Odette was suddenly happy she’d left Ange and Loïc in their balls. She learned the hard way that Talonflame and Ange together always ended in something catching on fire, and Loïc playing Twister was just a disaster waiting to happen. The Monopoly fiasco from the night before was enough. Plus, Noel was scared of him as it was.
“Come on, Talonflame! You had that,” Noel huffed.
The sound of the door creaking open prompted both of them to turn toward it. Standing in the doorway was Noel’s father, and he carried a tray with two full wine glasses on it.
“Sorry to bother you two, but I bring refreshments!” he said gleefully as he sauntered into the room. Odette grabbed her allotted glass faster than she cared to admit. Right now, she didn’t care about the possible hangover that would plague her at rehearsal tomorrow. She needed that buzz in her system pronto, and she’d let future her deal with the consequences.
“The Cherrim at the brewery worked hard on this one, we just broke it out of the vault this morning!” Mr. Massé said.
She chugged it in one gulp.
“They did a good job,” she said through a deep exhale, setting the empty glass back on the tray. Noel giggled into his own cup.
“You...know you’re supposed to sip it, right?” Mr. Massé said hesitantly.
“She did,” Noel said. “It was just a big sip.”
Mr. Massé opened his mouth to speak, but evidently decided whatever he had to say wasn’t worth it. He simply sighed. “Nevermind. Are you staying for dinner, darling?”
“No, I couldn’t--” she started to say.
“Is your mom out of town?” he cut her off.
Her expression fell into a deadpan. “Yes.”
“Dinner will be ready in forty-five minutes, I hope you like ratatouille.” He winked playfully at her, before turning heel and heading back out, pulling the door shut behind him.
“Lass?” Isaur called in a strained voice. Her head was against a blue dot, and her arm was arched over Vullaby, touching a yellow dot. Of course, she’d still heard ‘ratatouille’ over all of that.
“Forty-five minutes,” Odette repeated. “Focus on your game.” Gods knew she needed to focus on her own issue at hand herself. She had to sort out her thoughts on it before she brought her team into it.
With a groan, and already starting to feel an alcoholic fog forming in her lightweight brain, she dove face first onto Noel’s unmade bed.
“I’m going to scream,” she said, her voice muffled by a pillow. “I just wanted an easy day. Was that too much to ask?”
“Oh, always,” Noel cracked. “Though you could have just not looked at the letter.”
She turned her head to shoot him a look. “Can you look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t have looked at the letter?”
“Fuck no, baby, and I’d have torn apart the whole office looking for more,” he said, setting his glass down on his desk. “Because that was clearly an ongoing conversation. I’m absolutely quaking at the thought of all the juicy information we’re missing...”
She almost wished she had torn apart the office. But that surely would have woken Toulouse up. More importantly, she’d have had to explain to Bernard why his office looked like Hitmonlee had raided it.
“Well, you know what has to happen now,” Noel said darkly, leaning far back in his chair and folding his arms over his chest. The sudden change in his tone made Odette force herself back into a sitting position.
“No, you’re going to have to educate me,” she said.
“Come on Dee, look at the facts here,” he said. He slid the chair over to the bed, stopping when his knees touched hers. “It has to be so much more than a crazy coincidence that all of this nonsense happened on the same day.”
“I think it’s only a crazy coincidence.”
“Hear me out, though.” He raised a finger. “You happen to run into Dorien--shiny trade Dorien, just out of nowhere at your trainer school.”
“Much to my dismay, might I add.”
“Shame, because he was really cute.”
Odette swatted at him. “Continue, please.”
Noel raised another finger. “He threatens you and your ‘mon in battle, and freaks you out.”
She silently pressed her lips together, and he took that as a sign to continue.
“Then, you visit your grandpa, the chief of Kalos PD, the man head first in the sacrilege cases, only to find he’s in contact with some mysterious man who happens to be involved with an organization dedicated to shutting down the shiny trade, who pretty much admitted to Team Enigma existing.” He paused, seemingly for dramatic effect, and held his hands out to his sides. “Look me in the eye and tell me that doesn’t sound like fate.”
“Sounds more like my grandpa just has a lot of crap he isn’t telling me.”
“Exactly. Fate. The cops are intentionally leading off the press and us because they know some shit that they don’t want us to know. There is some suspicious activity happening here, do you understand?” he asked.
Of course she understood. She might have understood more than he did, because it was her grandpa stuck in the middle of all of this. Though, she wouldn’t exactly say she was suspecting him of doing anything bad. How bad could an organization aimed at breaking the shiny trade be a bad thing? Nonetheless, all of it still rang extremely suspicious. Why put off the press? Why the mysterious secret correspondence?
Her head had been spinning since she left Bernard’s office, and not even the wine was stopping that. This wasn’t something that was just going to fade.
“Look, I’m just saying. There’s some pieces here,” Noel insisted. “They’re not entirely good pieces, but they’re pieces nonetheless, and I think we can make them fit.”
She raised her brow at him. “Are you saying we should get involved?”
He leaned back in his chair again, kicking his legs up to rest his sock covered feet in her lap. “Nosy trainers get involved in police affairs all the time. Hell, the cops even enlist trainers for help once in a while. We wouldn’t necessarily be out of line.” He shrugged again, before resting his arms behind his head. “We have a legit concern, we’re not getting answers, and now we have some pseudo-legit leads. I say we run with it.”
Odette lowered her brows at him, before pushing his feet off her lap. “You really should have been a detective. Or a hacker, at the very least.”
He laughed airily. “And let my powerhouse voice and strong dancing legs go to waste? Clearly you’ve never heard of multitasking. Who says I can’t do both? I just need my pretty sidekick to get started.”
His jesting smile signaled a joke, but she knew him well enough to know there was a part of him that was serious. Truthfully, some of it sounded ridiculously farfetched. Like they were grasping at straws because they were so desperate to get to the bottom of an issue they’d started following out of a mix of interest and concern, at least on her end. She’d wanted to see an end to it for her grandfather’s sake, but now it was very clear that he had a bigger foot in it all than he was letting on. For some reason, that concerned her even more. How much had they found out? J.L. Ménétries made it seem like they were right on Team Enigma’s trail, and yet, it was looking like nothing was changing as of late.
It had to be just a coincidence that Dorien had decided to pop back into her life on the same day. Him and his no-good shiny trading ways, flaunting it all like it was nothing major. She allowed herself to once again think back to their battle. The feeling she got, the way her entire body told her to vacate the premises, the way he spoke.
But was that really enough to run with? Her gut, and her reads on people were usually not wrong…but even if she wanted to go with it, did she want to actually spend more time with Dorien just for the slightest chance he was possibly involved with sacrilege, and even worse, Team Enigma?
I know you say you’re fine, and it has been almost a year since everything happened, but maybe you could try focusing on something completely new?
Well, she was one-hundred percent certain this was not what Bernard had meant when he said that, but this was certainly pretty new. She thought back to his tired eyes, the way he’d fallen silent that one week...
Her wary gaze cut over to her Pokemon, who were still quite caught up in their game. She could practically hear Solene and Enora screeching in her ears about how this was a bad idea. Isaur would most likely be all for it. Ange would simply go along with whatever, and she was still fairly certain all Loïc could consciously think about was pecha berries and crawling in the air ducts, so she wasn’t exactly concerned about breaking the news to him.
She decided, then and there, she didn’t care about the stern talking-to in store by her oldest Pokemon. She needed something else to do, and really...perhaps this was it.
Maybe it was the buzz, but she didn’t really care at the moment.
The Shiny Trade feels like it's shaping up to be a big role. It's a interesting, albeit rather dark take on Shiny Pokemon. I just made shinies range from confirmed to cryptid. 😅
Here for our review exchange! Doing the prologue and chapter 1 for now, but I'll try and also do the rest soon!
Well then! That scene with Gulattive was already terrifying, and you managed to make it even scarier in the rewrite! Nicely done!
Really liking the new version of how Florent learns about his new child. Very interesting how he feels slightly conflicted about disposing of another possible heir. Really like how you smoothly integrated Armel's journals and daily amnesia into this segment, too!
Really enjoy how much extra worldbuilding you're putting into these rewrites! The new stuff with sacrilege is very intriguing, and we have Team Enigma already mentioned and causing an impact to Odette early on! Even though it's very indirect, I still really like that! With the context of the prologue, I'm already left thinking "oh no" as soon as you connected them and the overdose cases.
Also, I really like the new opening to chapter 1! It's an extremely effective hook, immediately bringing up a lot of intrigue. Very cool idea to pretty much begin the chapter with a news report!
Odette's friend group feels a lot more cohesive in the rewrite! Before, it felt like Odette didn't really care about them all that much and I was wondering why they were friends, but in the rewrite you show her caring about her friends them doing lots of stuff together, and it really helped them feel like a real group of friends!
Overall, both of these chapters were really fun to read through! Even though it was a second time, the rewrite added in so much cool stuff it was like I was reading them for the first time again!
I feel like this is the last of the buildup chapters and things are finally clicking into place--Odette's personal traumas and the sacrilege investigation are starting to collide. Only good things will happen here. I like how you establish Odette's naivete a bit (how could?? people do?? bad things like shiny trade???) and then collide it with some actual nefarious shit going on under the hood. That letter at the end has incredibly juicy implications for pretty much everyone in the plot and I love how it changes the dynamic of this chapter from a cute reunion between loving grandparent/grandchild and brings the intrigue and drama back in full-force. There's a lot of questions raised here--I imagine the VC are diametrically opposed to the seven deadly sins-themed legends, and I also imagine that anyone who's writing wax-sealed letters isn't exactly going for clandestine stealth operations, but what are they actually after here, and to what extent are the police involved/complicit? Some good old-fashioned lying to the media to top off my Saturday afternoon, yes, good.
(sidebar, I like the weight that the shiny trade has to people who are older than Odette--the worldbuilding really shines through here)
This one definitely went by quickly! Looking back I wonder if it's more because ch3 was so packed and this one is relatively normal-length, rather than this one being short. The events are really good and there's definitely a lot of buildup here.
I can't place my finger on why but I liked this detail quite a bit--old buildings aren't really a thing where I live, but it's definitely a thing in other countries.
some grammar notes! sorry I couldn't beta this one, although for the most part I think you had the grammar bases pretty well-covered + this is a loose skim per your author's note:
You don't need the comma here since you aren't separating a complete clause. This one is also a bit of a weird fragment; creative writing kind of lets you break the fragment rules whenever you'd like, but usually that's best done with intent, if that makes sense? I'd rephrase to "The same degraded gray bricks and mansard style roofs were flanked by stone Druddigons that glared down upon anybody who dared draw near." or "The same degraded gray bricks and mansard style roofs. Stone Druddigons that glared down upon anybody who dared draw near." if you want to keep the fragmentory nature.
She brushed arms with maybe five or six people before actually going inside. She began to hope that her grandpa wouldn’t be too swamped to meet.
She walked through the front lobby, eyeing the enormous LCPD emblem etched into the shiny tiles as she trekked over it. She briefly recalled how she used to skip laps around the perimeter of that emblem when she was younger. She spent some of her time off from school here
To make sure she was doubly aware, he’d enroll her in some peewee self defense classes, the curriculum ranging from how to say no to strangers, and if that didn’t work, how to break out of bindings.
["I'm full of them; you'll see." / "I'm full of them. You'll see." and so forth here]
I kind of wish we had a bit more narration from Odette on the last one! One of the cool things about analytical characters is seeing the details that they're observing in the narration and then reading the conclusions they're drawing from it--kind of like a mini detective story where the clues are all there for what the character determines is happening. Here, we get the conclusion before the facts--which I think with more details could be a cool way of creating the sensation that Odette's doing this subconsciously--but we also don't really get to see the gait beyond "trudged".
“Three,” they said in unison, before pulling the stacked cookies apart. They both eyed the pieces with the cream filling still squished against them. Odette frowned when she saw that this particular piece was very stingy on the filling.
This section felt a bit forced, hmmm. Do note that I have low tolerance for these kinds of scenes--like the KH2 popsicle-eating always strikes me as forced "these guys are friends!! friends!!!" but some people love it--but it feels a little stiff/telegraphed here, especially because they move on so quickly to talk about the rest of the plot. Maybe, just spitballing, some commentary from Odette about how she used to love this as a kid but then her nostalgia fades when she realizes how they're both older (or maybe he's always been older and she's finally just catching up)--something to tie this older tradition of theirs back into the present day.
She pursed her lips in disdain. She supposed he had a point there. A very concerning point, that is. Twenty-two years of trying to get that establishment overturned, and nothing?
I actually learned this usage of the word in writing this review! I've never heard the shorthand before, oddly enough, and just hear the adjective form. Thank you for teaching me something!
She cautiously began to work at the cap of her own milk bottle, considering how she wanted to piece together her next question.
“Anything the news isn’t telling us?” she asked.
She crossed her legs and began to twiddle her thumbs, taking a moment to recall the incident in as much detail as her brain would allow. Dorien’s words, his stance, his look...
“It was just...the way he stared at me when we were battling. Like he would have hauled off and gutted me if he had the option. That’s part of the reason I left. I couldn’t stay in that room with him.”
Here, too, I would've appreciated more specifics about what Odette saw. She pinpoints his stance/look but we don't really see what they are. She references the "snack" word that sets her off, but I'd love to see what kinds of details she's observing in him that really make her think this--it's one thing to have a gut feeling that someone's a creep, but it's another to assume he's feeding his pokemon drugs I guess? Not an unworldly leap and I imagine she's not wrong, but I'd love to see the thought process that got her here.
This one would parse better grammatically as "Of course, neither his parents nor the school wanted to hear that part" or "Of course, his parents nor the school wanted to hear that part."
“Are you sure? Is there something else bothering you? I told you, if you just wanted to focus on trainer school for now, I would help you out. You didn’t have to take that job at the cent--”
I think you want "suspect's circles" here but if that's a specific term it's definitely not one I'm familiar with and I could be wrong about punctuating it.
alrighty, breezed through chapters 5/6! mostly kept this big picture; my brain's not fully into line edits today, sorry!
I think, revisiting my commentary on chapter 4, you could probably combine chapters 4 and 5 if you wanted. Your call. But both are kind of introspective sections with Odette having a 1-1 conversation with a close friend of hers and getting slightly closer to cracking the mystery about sacrilege/Dorien, while chapters 3 and 6 stand as much more self-contained standalone narratives. In general, 4 and 5 struck me more as setup chapters, which is fine, but when there's two of them and they're both relatively short and touch on similar flavors of setup, I wonder if they can't both be presented simultaneously.
5 is a bit easy to breeze through, and not much there (not in a bad way; there's just not much unique conflict being set up). It's nice to see Odette putting together the pieces and I admit I didn't expect Noel to remain as prominent as he is, so! Fun to see that he's still sticking around. He kind of strikes me as a bit of the supporting, typical flamboyant gay best friend, and I find it hard to nail down who he is separately from what he means to the plot, but at the same time I don't particularly think his development is pivotal to this section of the story, so I get it. Lotta pieces to gather right now.
6 is where shit hits the fan though! I like the atmosphere that you build up over dinner; there's a lingering feeling that things aren't really going well. Mentioned in the line edits, but the two moments that made me go oh shit are when Dorien mentions Odette's past and when he locks her in the car. Really going from bad to worse, and I like how you play Odette off as Super Having This Under Control in the beginning, and then swing her back to thinking she's got things under control again at the end.
I admit I didn't fully follow the purpose for the Vienna stuff at the end. I think on some level it's meant to establish that Odette thinks things are fine, and to give a discordant baseline for her to do mundane things to drive home how fucked up the mindwipe stuff is, but it struck me as a bit too mundane--that, combined with this being our first time seeing Vienna in the flesh, makes this section feel a little out of place. The main takeaways I got from this section were that Vienna doesn't like her husband (known), Odette doesn't have proper recollection of her most recent date with Dorien (roughly known, good to show, but maybe could be shown with something else going on in the background/across a shorter scene), and some general establishing of Vienna's character (she's a COOL mom cuz she curses and makes dick jokes). Part of this is probably from not knowing the full arc of this story, but I really struggled to place the relevance--it felt almost like a fluffy interlude, which was a little awkward coming off of the high-stakes reveals at the middle of the chapter.
Dorien's such a bastard lol. Currently I get the impression that Odette is playing chess with him and losing so badly that she thinks she's winning, lol. But I could be very wrong there! It's just moments where she's so confident in her masterful smile and the fact that Dorien is too stupid to know what's up, she's such a good political maneuvering mastermind and rich people have NEVER had to deal with people who lie or are practiced in the art of shielding their emotions and like jesus she's literally talked about how he's good at charming people ... is Dorien really just saying stupid shit because he's too dense to realize it'll piss her off, or is he so confident that he can reel her in regardless of what he says that he doesn't care if she's temporarily disgusted with him? Very Jessica Jones/Kilgrave vibes, except with a direct line of sight into Odette's supreme confidence that she's totally winning this. Whether she' (and I) is right in her assessment of him, it builds really well to the car scene, which I roughly felt was the climax of this chapter, and worked really well with the tone you'd been establishing so far. He's such a smug shit, and maybe he's right to be ...
Nice turn here. I'm beginning to understand the comments about creepy dinners and people breaking into balconies and shit lol. where's Guzma??? looking forward to reading more!
Virtue Corp is an organization dedicated to the protection and rehabilitation of Pokemon that have been exposed to, and otherwise harmed, as a result of the disgraceful Shiny Trade.
Odette was suddenly happy she’d left Ange and Loïc in their balls. She learned the hard way that Talonflame and Ange together always ended in something catching on fire, and Loïc playing Twister was just a disaster waiting to happen. The Monopoly fiasco from the night before was enough. Plus, Noel was scared of him as it was.
this has some weird implications that I'm not sure if you intended--can pokemon leave their pokeballs when they want, or only when their trainers let them out/don't leave them in there? if it's the latter (which is what's implied by leaving pokemon in their balls when they aren't wanted), it's a bit harder to pitch training as a fully consensual relationship, since it's a lot harder for pokemon to make it clear if they want to leave a trainer. I remember in the Discord that you were generally pitching for a more egalitarian world, so I'm curious how this detail intersects with that--if trainers basically have full control over their pokemon's ability to move around, there's a lot balancing on good faith there, which is harder to assume with background details like the shiny trade being only recently and partially abolished, extreme injury being semi-common during public battles (coalossoal eating vaporeon), pokemon performing labor tasks such as cooking/waitstaffing, etc.
Has Noel seen Dorien in person? I thought Dorien only went/appeared at the trainer school, not the rest of Odette's personal life. Maybe something like "Shame, because from the pictures you showed me, he was really cute."
Nosy trainers get involved in police affairs all the time. Hell, the cops even enlist trainers for help once in a while. We wouldn’t necessarily be out of line.
"Her gut and her reads on people were usually not wrong."
I'm kind of torn here--one of the hardest things to convey in fiction is a "gut feeling", simply because fiction functions best on conveying details to readers and gut feelings tend to exist beyond words and description. As a result it becomes hard to actually understand to what extent a character feels a thing from gut instinct--it's one of those descriptions that stays in the very nebulous end of show don't tell simply because it's hard to parse what "my gut says this is bad" actually means to anyone who isn't us. I think this ties into a lot of the times I'd pegged as maybe benefitting from more descriptions of Odette's trepidation--can she put into words what makes her gut feel this way? can the narration? otherwise it's sort of hard to understand what's leading her to this conclusion, and by extension, if we should follow suit or not.
(which does also tie well into the whole mindwiping schtick; maybe she can't put that into words, but in that case I think it'd be even more effective to really really describe Odette's feelings on him before they start hanging out (and presumably she keeps getting mindwiped) and then after a certain point she stops being able to put her finger on why things are wrong and she's just left with lingering suspicions that she can't quite place ...)
This sentence parsed a bit weirdly for me. Maybe something more like "Odette never heard any Pokemon sound pompous, but she supposed there was a first time for everything."
Ha, I initially flagged this as "lmao what fucking idiot tempts fate by describing things as masterfully crafted, I hope she's in way over her head", and yes, good, lmao.
It had been a week since Odette had reluctantly approached him in class again and “apologized” for her foul attitude after their battle. He seemed more than willing to forgive her, because when she offered that they “hang out after class,” he took every opportunity possible to treat her to extravagant excursions. Private jet flight from Lumiose to Gloire one day, limousine ride to the movies the next. Now they were sitting in a restaurant where a mere cup of soup cost more than she made in an hour's work, and he was buying.
This chapter felt a bit disjoint from the bulk of the story, and I think it's here that made that most evident? By the end I'm kind of on board with the justification for starting in-media-res--Odette literally can't remember how she got to certain points; it makes sense--but at the same time this summary paragraph feels a little jarring where it is. I think moving it up a little earlier in the chapter, and perhaps ending the previous chapter with Odette texting Dorien, might help things flow a bit more smoothly.
“Flor,” she said, setting down the plates of food. She clasped her hands together, and nodded again. “Gesss?” she asked.
Dorien began setting his napkin in his lap, while his Excadrill mimicked him. “No ma’am, we’re all set,” he said. The Florges grinned broadly, before hovering off to her next task.
I love the implication of pokemon waiters in a world where trainers can roughly understand their pokemon but might not have full vocabulary understanding of all pokemon.
"what's the soup of the day?"
"pika pika"
"sorry, I didn't catch that; did you say french onion soup or wench bunion soup?"
"pika!"
Maybe if he did, he’d realize he sounded like a douche bag. Or, maybe not. Odette had started to realize that his head was so full of himself and his money that he probably couldn’t see or hear a foot past it.
"douchebag" is one word I think, and I'm not sure what "it" is referring to in the last sentence. Maybe "His head was so far up his ass that it was probably hard to see or hear anything" but stuff got cut?
Crazy that the girl who was just aiming for good chokehold spots didn't immediately jump to murder tbh
(also I'm kind of surprised if she's so afraid around him that she just doesn't have Noel calling into her phone and listening to the entire thing since he doesn't seem to be doing much else this evening, but oops! that would probably break the plot)
I don't really think that's how glass works--the heavier shards, maybe, but smaller bits of glass tend to stay lodged in there since they're too light to displace under their own weight.
Their questions slurred together in her foggy mind; several more “are you okay’s?” plus the occasional “do you need the paramedics?” managed to break through.
Not sure if this is the proper use for a colon. Grammatically it'd work better as maybe:
> "His eyes had gone dark, and he was once again staring at her like he had in class just those few days before, with that same threatening hostility"
> "His eyes had gone dark, and she recognized that threatening hostility from class just those few days before"
> "His eyes had gone dark, filled with the same threatening hostility that had consumed them in class just those few days before"
or s/t
Some LONG LONG LONG overdue responses! Thank you EVERYONE for your fantastically kind and constructive reviews! WSBS wouldn't be where it is at this point without y'all. You're just the BEE'S FUCKIN' KNEES.
I also deeply adore the choice to rewrite the final battle, and replace it with a match against Dorien. It cranked up the tension, moved the plot along and revealed character. Fantastic decision.
Very clever too, scooting past the battle scene by having Odette wreck him. Pulls double duty lol, saving you from writing a battle and advancing the story as a whole. Why did Dorien let her win? What's he playing at?
If this humorous undercurrent isn't intentional, I',m not sure. But I do think you shopuld roll with it. Especially since you're setting up some cool darker stuff with Team Engima and Odette's personal baggage that will be intresting to see unfold coupled with the prologue.
Oh it's deffo intentional. I am a black comedy author at my core, so no matter how dark the material I write, there will always be some comedy in there. I'm very glad you're picking it up!
We get an indicator that these may be a daily occurrence (Odette nabbing a bottle of water for the road), and tbh he has amazing cool for someone that had a fist in their face a minute ago.
however, given the absolute mania presented by Odette's team, I think there's a version of this chapter with a safer ride home but where Odette flies into one of her paranormal rages because of her team.
This is fair and something I considered. However, I didn't really want the intro to her team to be bogged down by her flying off the handle at them. I kinda wanted to go in a way where the reader kinda assumes she's lost her shit are her team before. She nearly punched her childhood friend over street racers, so it's safe to assume she's had a moment with her chaotic ass team too, ya feel?
I think you do a good job capturing an atmosphere And even though this isn’t a fast paced action story, everything feels relevant, which is impressive. I sometimes feel like a slow paced tale is harder than a super fast one (not always true but hey whatever). The point is, its good.
Actually......Artistocats reference Toulouse is the orange kitten in Aristocats and even tho Arcanine is a dog i thought it was funny, PLUS it's a French (Kalosian omegalul) name.
THANK YOU for actually having her grandpa take her seriously. I feel like I've seen tropes similar to this in mainstream media where the character gets dismissed even though there's no reason to, just to create artificial drama and plot. Good move. Makes their relationship actually have meaning and feel reasonable.
Also I award you +50 bonus points for having Odette not keep tons of secrets about everything from Bernard. Sure she's not telling him everything but it'd feel pretty fake if he didn't know about her anger 'problem'. Nice move. I'm glad she's able to discuss this somewhat openly, yet also still feel like a human who probably doesn't want to spill everything. Nice balance.
I am in love with the way you sprinkle in little actions and body language among the dialogue. It makes it feel much more real and brings the whole scene to life! Chefs kiss
:( :( :( sad relatable noises, ugh. On the one hand I totally understand the frustration of “why can’t I just freaking function,” but also, she’s clearly been through something traumatic and should be kinder to herself. Ugh I wanna give her a hug immediately.
Awww, freaking BLESS Noel. He is aware of Odette’s issues and instead of running away, he sticks with her and helps her through her episodes. Just. Ugh, everybody needs a Noel in their life.
I am. Losing. My. Mind at this image. This Froslass is just Absolutely Done with everything and it’s such a freaking mood and the fact that she’s just Given Up while there’s chaos and smoke and alarms is absolutely sending me dishfkiahdkwohrnw Isaur is a whole MOOD AND A HALF AHAHA
YES MA'AM! She's what's dubbed in this world as a "magical type specialist" because her team is specifically types that have been categorized as "magical" (i.e. ghost, fairy, psychic, etc.)
But I'm glad to be proven wrong because the picture you paint of Odette is one that's complex and varied. On the one hand we have her serious, borderline stoic, side that she shows off to most people. She's surprisingly distant from others and can seem a little bit cold even to her pokemon. That's not to say she's a cold person, but it does feel like she's always guarded in a way. Then we contrast that with the side of her that likes to do theater and sing and of course the fact that she's a badass biker (well maybe not that much but it did surprise me).
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Really!! My biggest fear is that I'm writing her too much like these no-personality YA book female protags and that is so not the route I want to end up on. My goal is a legitimate strong female lead, so truly. Thank you!
But of course, no leading lady would stand out without the people surrounding it and I think you do a great job of establishing Odette's support network as well. I think I mentioned liking her interaction with her friends in chapter 1 but I really like the banter that she has with Noel in chapter two. I specifically liked how you kept switching between the two of them talking and Odette's thoughts as she drove, I haven't ridden a bike myself but I have a friend who's an aficionado and the way Odette behaved there reminded me a lot of what he says he does when he drives.
I also like how multi-layered their relationship is. Sure they get along, but they're not buddy-buddy all the time. Odette gets annoyed with Noel's cheerful demeanor and her own temper can get others mad at her as well; it's something they're both aware of and they try to make the most of it, which I think is a pretty nice detail about friendships that a lot of stories have trouble getting down.
Ahhhh, I appreciate it! Noel and Odette have been friends since they were kids, and I feel like a friendship that long and that deep would have a lot going into it, so I'm happy it seems to be coming across.
Like maybe have Odette think back to the accident she almost had with the drag racers when she first hears about the case. Maybe it's a little unnecessary but it would really help in adding some connecting tissue to it.
Outside of dialogue you still did a pretty good jobf of carrying Odette's actions and thoughts, but I feel like sometimes things might get a little repetitive. Odette has a temper, and it gets set off pretty fast and while I'm sure you're building to it blowing up it still gets a little repetitive to constantly be reminded about her temper.
Yeeeaaaaaah I've heard that before actually. I feel like I have to drill things into readers heads, so that's definitely something I'll take into account for edits and future chapters.
A solid chapter! It was a bit of a slow start, and I do think it could have cut to the chase a little sooner--maybe Odette could have chatted with her grandma while walking to school or something. But at the same time, those little slice of life moments with her team are absolutely making the story for me so far, so even if it was slower, it was still incredibly enjoyable for me.
Thank you! I can certainly see why it might be a little slow, but I'm also trying to keep a balance of throwing all the batshit around and keeping things grounded in the slice-of-life aspect of this story. However, I might consider shortening their interaction in a possible future rewrite.
The guy is a creep, for sure, and something definitely isn't right--but the degree to which Odette picks up on this is so strong that it makes me wonder why nobody else has picked up on this--in fact, it's the opposite! Everyone is totally charmed by him, while somehow Odette is immune to his charms. Idk if there are actual reasons behind this, and it's possible that there are! If not, I'd suggest toning it down just a smidgen so that the contrast isn't quite so jarring.
I think we spoke about this in discord, but just to reiterate--Odette's character is supposed to be pretty hyperobservant. She's picking up on these nuances that an average person probably wouldn't grasp (grandad's a cop so he made sure she knew how to do that LOL). Plus, Dorien is deliberately acting somewhat differently around her, so she's also running on that 👀
...Actually I might have said this theory earlier. I don't remember, it's been a while since the prologue--but anyway, is Dorien posessed by one of the other Deadly Sin mons?? Idk which one, though. I was thinking Lust at first, but later evidence doesn't quite seem to add up. Greed, maybe?
This is SUCH an adorable image, omg. And I'm loving the constant comparisons to the Ducklett/Swanna line! White Swan, Black Swan indeed ;) I'm curious why its a Swanna though. Is there a specific reason?
So, cute little pre-plot story.
The Pokemon world equivalent for Swan Lake is Swanna Lake. Marieanne was a popular PokePageant competitor, and knew a lot of dancers, and every year, she'd take Bernard and Vienna to see Swanna Lake when it was playing. Vienna loved it so much that when she got pregnant with Odette, she wanted to name her Odile, because it means "prosperous in battle." However, after the birth, and in a fit postpartum depression, Vienna changed the name to Odette because she didn't want her child being associated with Swanna Lake's villain.
Then, several years later, while little Odette was given orders to find an extracurricular activity to hone her anger into, Marieanne took her family to see Swanna Lake. After watching the ballerinas, Odette decided she wanted to be a dancer/performer. The rest is history. So, they call her "little Swanna."
And! This does help explain her reaction at the end of last chapter. She's been trained all her life to look out for suspicious people, so it's no wonder she picked up on the red flags so quickly. I'm just glad she DID pick up on them! NOTHING is more frustrating than reading a story where the love interest is SO OBVIOUSLY TOXIC, but the MC is just blissfully and painfully unaware because the plot demands it. We stan a sharp heroine that knows what's up!
I think in chapter 1 (previously chapter 3) there was a mention of sacrilege outcomes, and Odette thought about a case she read where a sacrilege high Coalossal ate a Vaporeon in battle. I don't remember specifically when i mentioned that but take my word for it LOL
Oh THANK YOU for addressing this. SO many people are convinced that guns aren't logical in a Pokemon world because, well, Pokemon. But guns are way easier and more accessible, plus you don't run the risk of your Pokemon getting injured, PLUS there's no moral debate of how ethical it really is to use these sentient creatures as weapons in the first place. (I mean, they still have them on the police force, but it's nice to know that they aren't the police's sole source of firepower. This makes them feel more like partners who fight alongside them and not just for them.)
BLESS UP LOL. I sometimes feel like I'm the only one who thinks like this!! Because I've definitely gotten my share of "why??? guns???" BECAUSE I JUST FEEL LIKE IT'S MORE ETHICAL WEAPON WISE AND BECAUSE IT'D BE FASTER TO HAVE ON HAND, OKAY?? And a BIG yes to that last part; in this world Pokemon have human level intelligence, so to solely use them as weapons don't feel right.
There's a ton going on in this fic already, and I know there's even more to come--like, it doesn't seem like Guzma's even close to being introduced yet, and my impression is that he's going to play a pretty big role, lol.
You do a nice job of setting a lot of plot threads in motion early on; there's a sense of grand scope to this story despite the fact that what we've seen of Odette's life so far is, at least on the surface, pretty mundane.
Oh THANK YOU! I definitely feel like I'm doing quite a lot, juggling slice of life with such an ominous magic-ish undertone, so i'm super happy that all these plot points are starting to get across.
Odette seems like she's going to be a great protagonist to follow--she has real burning passion and desire, clear wants and a reason to be going out and taking action, while at the same time having very big, very real problems and barriers to her progress. Her problems feel very realistic, even if they're exacerbated by an obvious supernatural force; in general Odette's a pretty down-to-earth character despite the crazy shit going on around her
This made my whole year! I'm always so scared she's falling into that "sTrOnG fEmAlE lEaD" trap, where she has no personality but is still somehow a badass. I'm really trying to go the route of an actual, fully characterized, fully functional female protagonist. So this is great, thank you!
And Odette's been seriously repressing her anger almost since the point that we first saw her, and it feels like only a matter of time before she can't hold it in or sing it off anymore and beats the tar out of somebody and/or gets herself seriously injured and/or possibly another murder? And I imagine there'll be some nightmare legendary pokémon to start manifesting soon enough; both things to look forward to!
The other characters I'm less sure of; it seems like Noel and Odette's grandfather are probably going to have to end up being relatively minor, or at most arc-major characters, if Odette's about to be zipping off to Alola (thought Noel could end up coming along due to shenanigans, of course). Perhaps Dorien will go on to be a recurring villain? Odette's somebody who really wants to have another character(s) to play off of, I think, so I'm really curious to see who that'll be long-term.
So, Noel has a pretty big supporting role in this tale, I will say this. Bernard's definitely going to be a bit more of "looming caring figure obstacle" plot device, and Dorien's certainly the fronting antag. Still trying to fit everyone in, but that's where I see things going now.
I'm hoping for some juicy lore about how such creatures came to be and how they work, exactly--and what their history is, how and why they ended up in Florent's possession in the first place! It seems likely that "sacrilege" has to be linked to them somehow; I'm guessing some of their power goes into making it? Maybe just gluttony's, still, since the users mentioned so far have mostly seemed kinda hungry. I'm also curious to learn more about Armel and what his role will ultimately be in the plot. It doesn't seem like he can have all that much love for Florent...
At times, though, I find that there's focus on relatable twentysomething problems that kind of gets in the way of the story. The best example for me was the argument about how Noel and Odette would get home in Chapter Two--it takes 650 words for Odette and Noel to get on the bike and leave, and as far as I could tell there wasn't anything going on there that wouldn't have been accomplished by Acadia making some pointed comments and the other two briefly sniping back and then leaving.
Valid point. I feel like since I'm juggling all these grand scope plot points in this slice-of-life seeming story, I'm trying really hard to balance the "oh shit" moments by somewhat burying them in slice of life, and sometime I go a little hard on the burying. I actually rewrote some things based on this comment, so thank you!
You only want to use "it's" any place where you could literally substitute "it is," while when you want to indicate possession, as in these examples, you want to use "its" instead.
I've been a little confused by how impressed people have been by Noel noticing that people ODing on sacrilege tend to be rich. That seems like a pretty basic pattern to notice, and definitely not one that would require substantial computer skills. Something like connections to a particular organization, or geographic area, or profession or something would seem like more impressive things to pinpoint, to me.
Odette's grandfather's objections to her using a pokémon rather than a gun also read strange to me. How is it faster to pull out a gun than a pokéball? How is a gun less likely to malfunction than a pokéball? There are definitely arguments you could make around why a gun would be better than a pokéball, but the ones he's using don't strike me as good ones.
I see where you're coming from on this one, however, I was writing this from a standpoint of a lot of "what ifs." Like, what if you drop the ball? What if you don't have it on your belt? Just a lot of "shit could happen" logic here, I guess.
Also I just had a HC that sometimes Pokeballs don't open on the first press and have to be reset. Maybe if I threw that little bit in there that'd help it make more sense!
There was a lot of weirdness with Odette's memory here that I'm not sure was intentional. It was very similar to what was going on with Florent, so maybe something about being bonded to a sin pokémon fucks with your memory? But there hasn't been any sign of that for Odette in the other chapters. If you were foreshadowing problems with Odette's memory, then it worked perfectly; if not, and you wanted an excuse for Odette to behave in ways that otherwise made no sense (e.g. expressing her distaste for the shiny trade, which she surely must have done with Dorien before), then I think it might be better to look at a different way of getting the conversation to go where you want it to. Hanging on a lampshade on how weird it was that she'd forgotten things only makes it more frustrating to me, personally.
So it definitely WAS intentional, there is a whole reason why she was struggling to remember why she hated him. It miiiiiight make a little more sense if you read the latest chapter, but maybe not!
The word count on this one surprised me! Some fics roll along just fine on ~2,000 words per update, but after the length of some of the previous chapters, this one definitely felt short. Good to have Odette (and Noel) officially commit to going deeper with Team Enigma, but an additional scene where they take their conviction to dig deeper and start to actually do something with it would have rounded things out well for me.
honestly mad props to keeping up with edits throughout the months--it's been a while since I last read for the beta, but it looks like things have been tidied up, some sections moved around, etc. in general I think things cleaned up pretty nicely. Reviewing to the end of chapter 3 for now since that's as far as I ended up pulling line quotes for (although I was pretty quotes-lite with this one! sorry. wrote u some rambly paragraphs instead).
Honestly I'm always here for aggressively edgy interpretations of the pokemon canon, so sure, I'll fuck with some seven deadly sins legendaries. I like the fakemon as a concept, and just adding this in because I think it might make you laugh--on my first readthrough I accidentally conflated this with my personal headcanon that the ultra beasts are Alola's version of this (with the S/M original seven being the seven deadly sins, and then blacephelon is symbolizing the sin of promising weekly updates (extreme clownface) and not delivering and naganadel is the sin of throwing your lego bricks on the floor and idk what stakataka is ever doing besides vibing tbh). So I was like "huh, maybe Gullative is the French name for Guzzlord" and anyway I'm an idiot.
There's definitely a lot of gap to try to marry between the prologue and the rest of the fic, and I get the vibe that we'll eventually build Odette's storyline to match the grimness of the prologue rather than the other way around. Lots of balls being juggled in the background, and I like the decision to move some of the grandpa/sacrilege things up to earlier chapters; it lets you lay the groundwork in a much more coherent way that builds up in conjunction with Odette's other problems, rather than after/apart from them.
Rest assured, it's definitely going to get back to the level of SHIT in the prologue, we're just in buildup mode. Definitely, lots of balls juggling here. And thank you! Previous critiques told me the dial-back between the prologue and chapter 1 was too much, so I think moving all that info up really helped.
The structure of this chapter, with so much banter and setup, makes the first half feel very slow and the second half feel pretty packed with emotional revelation, and it might be worth looking at how those end up fitting together.
Third chapter rewrite is pretty slick! Mostly kept my comments in the line edits but I like the new structure here and it's a lot more clear that Dorien isn't exactly good news. Slow burns are great but have you considered having your creepy guy just whisper creepily in someone's ear that he's stunned no one's boned her??? I appreciated the more strong reactions and thoughts from Odette here as well; she feels a lot more active in steering the chapter here and it felt like a much more natural progression from "friend!?" to "absolutely not". Dorien also comes across as more smarmy in this version and in particular I like how Odette picks up/focuses on how he's able to make other people like him--I'm sure that that won't cause her any issues in the future.
gas masks seem kind of comedic in what's trying (?) to juggle a more grounded setting? unless there was some reference to why they'd actually want to wear them in this place that I missed. reminds me of color-coordinated team uniforms and stuff; it's an aesthetic that I think works in a more cartoonish world, but it feels pretty out of place in a setting that has guns and blood summoning and legal slave trade and legendary pokemon themed around sins.
So, my goal here was to imply that Florent is such a whore and he slept with so many women after her that he just put her out of his head. Gulattive kinda says "It's weird how you don't remember who you slept with" to which Florent tells him to shut up. I could probably do more to put that across.
This one [comma splice] comes up a lot, but mostly only in your dialogue. Basically, when you have two independent sentences, you can't join them with a comma. So these could read as:
Me! And! My! Comma! Splices!
I really only do this because I'm writing my dialogue in a way people actually might speak. Like, for example, I definitely talk in comma splices. Like I'll say "Danny said you were at the mall" but I don't pause long enough to constitute a period if this sentence were being written before saying "care to explain?"
So I guess in this case, I would want to use a semi-colon probably. I'm just an idiot and always go for the comma because I married the comma last year.
Really enjoy how much extra worldbuilding you're putting into these rewrites! The new stuff with sacrilege is very intriguing, and we have Team Enigma already mentioned and causing an impact to Odette early on! Even though it's very indirect, I still really like that! With the context of the prologue, I'm already left thinking "oh no" as soon as you connected them and the overdose cases.
Odette's friend group feels a lot more cohesive in the rewrite! Before, it felt like Odette didn't really care about them all that much and I was wondering why they were friends, but in the rewrite you show her caring about her friends them doing lots of stuff together, and it really helped them feel like a real group of friends!
I'm ALSO glad you liked this, because I big agree. I definitely didn't do justice to the fact that they've all been friends since they were 6 in the original version.
Here, too, I would've appreciated more specifics about what Odette saw. She pinpoints his stance/look but we don't really see what they are. She references the "snack" word that sets her off, but I'd love to see what kinds of details she's observing in him that really make her think this--it's one thing to have a gut feeling that someone's a creep, but it's another to assume he's feeding his pokemon drugs I guess? Not an unworldly leap and I imagine she's not wrong, but I'd love to see the thought process that got her here.
I actually have a variety of reasons why I developed guns in this verse, it all kind of comes down to the unpredictability of using these animals with human like intelligence as borderline weapons, ya feel?
No, not witholding info, I was mostly just going for a realistic cutoff here. Like, just Odette deciding to cut him off and a random point in his speech, that's all!
I did think about that, went back and forth with it for a WHILE. I think they work okay separately, but perhaps for a future re-publishing i could stick them together.
6 is where shit hits the fan though! I like the atmosphere that you build up over dinner; there's a lingering feeling that things aren't really going well. Mentioned in the line edits, but the two moments that made me go oh shit are when Dorien mentions Odette's past and when he locks her in the car. Really going from bad to worse, and I like how you play Odette off as Super Having This Under Control in the beginning, and then swing her back to thinking she's got things under control again at the end.
I admit I didn't fully follow the purpose for the Vienna stuff at the end. I think on some level it's meant to establish that Odette thinks things are fine, and to give a discordant baseline for her to do mundane things to drive home how fucked up the mindwipe stuff is, but it struck me as a bit too mundane--that, combined with this being our first time seeing Vienna in the flesh, makes this section feel a little out of place.
Dorien's such a bastard lol. Currently I get the impression that Odette is playing chess with him and losing so badly that she thinks she's winning, lol. But I could be very wrong there! It's just moments where she's so confident in her masterful smile and the fact that Dorien is too stupid to know what's up, she's such a good political maneuvering mastermind and rich people have NEVER had to deal with people who lie or are practiced in the art of shielding their emotions and like jesus she's literally talked about how he's good at charming people
So they're definitely playing chess, however, I will say we don't know who's winning. Dorien seems to have the upper hand, yes, but he's 100% going for a goal that Odette is not giving him fast enough. So there's some massive trading off happening here 👀
is Dorien really just saying stupid shit because he's too dense to realize it'll piss her off, or is he so confident that he can reel her in regardless of what he says that he doesn't care if she's temporarily disgusted with him?
this has some weird implications that I'm not sure if you intended--can pokemon leave their pokeballs when they want, or only when their trainers let them out/don't leave them in there? if it's the latter (which is what's implied by leaving pokemon in their balls when they aren't wanted), it's a bit harder to pitch training as a fully consensual relationship, since it's a lot harder for pokemon to make it clear if they want to leave a trainer. I remember in the Discord that you were generally pitching for a more egalitarian world, so I'm curious how this detail intersects with that--if trainers basically have full control over their pokemon's ability to move around, there's a lot balancing on good faith there, which is harder to assume with background details like the shiny trade being only recently and partially abolished, extreme injury being semi-common during public battles (coalossoal eating vaporeon), pokemon performing labor tasks such as cooking/waitstaffing, etc.
Wow you're 100% right, I did not intend this whatsoever, and I really appreciate pointing this out. Didn't think TWICE about that explanation whatsoever, so I'll mark that in for some sort of rephrasing.
Has Noel seen Dorien in person? I thought Dorien only went/appeared at the trainer school, not the rest of Odette's personal life. Maybe something like "Shame, because from the pictures you showed me, he was really cute."
Noel, Odette, and Dorien all went to the same high school! So, Dorien and Noel have indeed met! I know I mentioned little nuances of Noel and Odette talking about school, then Dorien talking about their chemistry class, but nothing really blatant, so I understand why this may have been confusing. It's fully disclosed in the new chapter coming up, so that should fix real fast.
I'm kind of torn here--one of the hardest things to convey in fiction is a "gut feeling", simply because fiction functions best on conveying details to readers and gut feelings tend to exist beyond words and description. As a result it becomes hard to actually understand to what extent a character feels a thing from gut instinct--it's one of those descriptions that stays in the very nebulous end of show don't tell simply because it's hard to parse what "my gut says this is bad" actually means to anyone who isn't us. I think this ties into a lot of the times I'd pegged as maybe benefitting from more descriptions of Odette's trepidation--can she put into words what makes her gut feel this way? can the narration? otherwise it's sort of hard to understand what's leading her to this conclusion, and by extension, if we should follow suit or not.
(which does also tie well into the whole mindwiping schtick; maybe she can't put that into words, but in that case I think it'd be even more effective to really really describe Odette's feelings on him before they start hanging out (and presumably she keeps getting mindwiped) and then after a certain point she stops being able to put her finger on why things are wrong and she's just left with lingering suspicions that she can't quite place ...)
Very very insightful, and super valid. I guess I also find myself struggling to write a "gut" feeling because really.....what is a gut feeling, what could it entail, and will it resonate well as a gut feeling? It will to me, but to you or another reader? 100% fair. I'll have to sleep on this one.
This chapter felt a bit disjoint from the bulk of the story, and I think it's here that made that most evident? By the end I'm kind of on board with the justification for starting in-media-res--Odette literally can't remember how she got to certain points; it makes sense--but at the same time this summary paragraph feels a little jarring where it is. I think moving it up a little earlier in the chapter, and perhaps ending the previous chapter with Odette texting Dorien, might help things flow a bit more smoothly.
CW: Strong Language, Discussion of Sex, Noncon Kiss
This chapter was written over a four-hour hospital stint and a series of antibiotic-fueled nights, and has not been beta-read. Therefore, it's a little chaotic and probably extremely long-winded! Feel free to tear it up or be nice!
“Smell that? That’s the sweet scent of extravagance,” Noel said, adjusting his tuxedo coat. Freddy sat idly on his shoulders, observing the glitz and glamour of the event.
“Somebody lives here,” Odette said. She had to remind herself that this was just the designated party room. There was actually an entire estate attached to this room. The crystal chandelier hanging over the dance floor and table seating area had to be the size of her entire apartment, and that alone filled her with a sense of inadequacy she didn’t think was possible.
“Yeah this is all neat and stuff, but when's dinner?” Isaur said dully. Her stomach growled, and she rubbed at it.
“I told you there would be food. Make like the ice-type you are and chill,” Odette scoffed.
“You think the tablecloths on those tables over there are flammable?” Freddy chirped, flapping his wings.
“Behave,” Noel said, raising his right arm, which was clothed in his custom-made falconry glove. The black leather had been lined with glimmering gold piping, and there were crystals embedded into each one of the knuckles.
“Normally, I'm all for you acting chaotic, but tonight's not the night," Noel said as Freddy lifted off his head and hovered down to land on his forearm.
“Buzzkill,” Freddy said, deflated. "But I'm with Isaur. Are there at least any finger foods?"
Noel pursed his lips and then began to look around the immediate area. Odette followed his eyes questioningly for a moment before her gaze caught on a sprawling and almost imposing-looking sweets table. Two humans and two quagsire in waiter vests were handing out plates of finger foods. It was then she noticed several other quagsire and humans sauntering around with plates of odd looking hors d'oeuvres.
She pointed. "There's some snacks over there for you. You've clearly--"
Isaur and Freddy were halfway to the table before she'd even finished her thought.
"No, guys, I totally wasn't going to recommend we stay together," Noel scoffed, dropping his arm.
"Bringing Isaur to a place with endless food for a detective mission probably wasn't my smartest move," Odette mumbled. With a shallow breath, she tightened her arm around Noel’s and felt him return the favor.
Her eyes scanned the room, taking in the guests, their Pokemon, and whatever it was they were doing. She had to stop and stare at the amount of shiny Pokemon she saw before her. They were known to be rare, but from a cursory glance, you'd think they were a dime a dozen. Even so, there were a lot fewer than she would have anticipated seeing.
Nonetheless, "bizarre" wasn’t a strong enough word to describe it, but it was one of the only ones that made sense. Frustrating also came to mind too. How many of those Pokemon were caught rather than purchased through the stupid trade? Probably not a lot, and that thought alone was enough to make her grind her teeth.
“What is this, a shiny trade social?” Odette asked herself.
The cocktail hour had only started about ten minutes ago, but already there were hundreds of people standing around in their little groups of friends, drinks and finger foods in hand, laughing and carrying on about gods knew what. On a whim, she began to scan the crowd for a sign of Dorien’s styled brown hair and felt momentary relief when she couldn’t spot him. It wouldn’t be long before he came sauntering along, but she needed more time to mentally prepare herself before that happened. For now, all she focused on were the present shinies.
The more she looked, the more it became clear to her that they looked, well, ragged. Long faces, smiles few and far between. Most of them just lingered at their owner's heels, looking miserable while doing so.
Remorse filled her to the brim as thoughts of the rumors of abuse and mistreatment filled her head. Dorien's insistence that they wanted to be in the trade willingly seemed like an overexaggerated fib.
Why don't they fight back if they look so upset? she thought hopelessly.
The sound of breaking glass drew her attention far off to her right. She could clearly see a young man in a waiter vest kneeling down and staring wide-eyed at the tray of drinks spilled all over the polished marble floor. Standing over him was a woman in a flowing yellow gown, a shiny ponyta at her side. Odette watched the woman's painted lips curl over her teeth, and she kicked a shard of glass aside, making the poor waiter flinch.
"Watch it," she spat, waving her Chanel clutch at him. "These are Louboutins! Don't soil what you can't afford!"
As the waiter sputtered out an apology, Odette turned her attention to the ponyta. The horse watched on with despondent eyes. Its head was slightly lowered like it was somehow waiting for the woman's wrath to turn on it next. Even its ears were flat, a telltale sign that it was not having a good time. At all.
Odette then realized--not only were the Pokemon being bought and sold like property but they were perpetually stuck in the presence of wealthy brats like that woman. That would run anybody ragged on its own.
She wanted so badly to go over there and help the waiter clean up. But, when she saw nobody moving to do the same, she was forced to brush that idea aside. She was already entering the room at a disadvantage, and she didn't need to make things harder for herself by putting herself out in a way the regulars weren't. It stung, but she'd have to endure it and deal with the karma that followed.
At the very least, if she wasn't convinced to get to the bottom of this before, she certainly did now.
“Well, I will say this,” Noel spoke, taking her attention away from the disturbing scene. “For a couple of flat dwellers, we clean up nicely.”
That she could agree with. Noel looked absolutely fantastic in his tuxedo, and the red carnation he had pinned to his lapel simply pulled the whole look together. Not to mention, the flower's hue matched the color of her Ralph Lurantis dress, the one gown in her mother’s small closet of higher-end clothes that actually slipped up around her butt.
The dress was form-fitting, deep red, and didn’t suit her style whatsoever. She felt somewhat exposed in something so tight, but at the very least, it seemed like she’d adequately dressed this time around. So, she decided she’d suck it up for the next couple of hours, and sink all her focus into trying to find some answers to her questions.
“If we can get our hands on some champagne, maybe we’ll feel like we’re part of the club,” Odette cracked, nodding her head toward a nearby table. There were flutes of the golden liquid lined up in expertly spaced rows for anybody to take if they were to walk by. She'd have to watch herself lest she got too drunk again in Dorien's presence. However, one glass wouldn't hurt.
“You had me at champagne,” Noel replied, leading her over to it before he was even finished speaking. He grabbed two and handed one to her before holding his out as if seeking a toast.
“To our debut into high society. Let’s see what the fuck happens tonight,” he said. Odette merely nodded and tapped her cup to his. They sipped together before continuing onward into the room.
“So,” Odette started. “I know you said you wanted to stick together, but maybe we should follow our 'mon's leads and split up?"
Noel was quiet for a moment as he sipped. He cleared his throat. "Probably, yes. You should probably go find your boyfriend first,” he suggested. “Surely, he'll be hanging around all the suspicious parties, right?”
Odette shuddered to herself. “I’m positive. But I feel like venturing outside the realm of Bonhomme will give us a broader scope. I mean, look at these Pokemon. They look miserable."
“Maybe we should use our collective sex appeal and go straight for seduction,” Noel suggested with a giggle as he drank more. Odette shot a glare at him.
“Not my jam, but you have fun with that,” she said.
Noel started to nudge her playfully when a loud gasp hit her ears. Noel heard it too, and began to dart his eyes around, looking for the source. It came in the form of a middle-aged woman, who rushed right up to Noel with her purple-hued audino in tow. Its eyes were downcast, so Odette couldn't get a good look at its face. Audino were normally very happy Pokemon, so seeing one so reserved and upset looking added to how disheartening this all was.
“Oh my goodness,” the middle-aged woman said. “Are you Noel Massé?”
Noel blinked rapidly, evidently caught quite off-guard by the question. “Yes,” he said tentatively. He returned his bearings quickly because his lips spread into a suave smile. “How can I help you?”
“I knew it was you!” she said. She grabbed his hand and began to shake it eagerly. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt you, but I’m Lissette Archamault. I watch a lot of shows at the Lumiose center, and I just wanted to say that I’m a huge fan of yours! You were fantastic in Cabaret, and I’m so excited for Purrloins!”
Noel was very obviously flattered by the introduction, but he seemed particularly caught by this woman’s name. Or, at least, that's what Odette was certainly stuck on. An entire part of the theater was dubbed “The Lisette Archamault Wing” to honor this woman and her frequent and obscenely generous donations to the institution.
“Wow, I’m so honored!” Noel said. He was absolutely brimming with excitement, and Odette bit her tongue to keep from giggling. Seeing him get so worked up was really a fun thing to witness. A little beacon of light in this room of disguised darkness they'd just entered.
“If you wouldn’t mind, I’d love to introduce you to my husband and a couple of our friends,” the woman said. “My husband could talk your ear off about the original run of Purrloins, it’s his absolute favorite.” She paused. “Unless this is a bad time, I’d hate to pull you away from your gorgeous date.”
Noel hurriedly held up his hands, sputtering over his words. “No, no! Hold that thought, please!”
He turned, grabbed Odette by her wrist, and pulled her a couple of feet away. When he was sure they were out of earshot, he turned to her and immediately clasped his hands together.
“So,” he started politely. “I know we’re playing detective right now, but--”
Odette shook her head jokingly. “Go. Maybe she’ll tell you something juicy while her husband chats you up about your Mistoffelees.”
His eyes lit up, but they quickly dimmed with concern. “Are you sure? I know this is not exactly--”
“You can still play detective while you try to convince rich theater patrons to further your acting career,” she said. “I’ll just go find my boyfriend in the meantime.” The words felt like battery acid on her lips, but that wasn’t the main point.
Noel exhaled deeply, grabbed her cheeks, and planted a long kiss on her forehead. “Keep your phone on.”
“Of course.”
She watched him rush back over to the rich lady and lock arms with her. He shook hands with the quiet audino before they walked off. Career advancement surely was not the reason they were here, but Odette wasn’t going to be the one to hold him back from it.
She was beaming at the fact that such an esteemed and frequent guest of the center recognized him and even called herself a fan. Noel’s talents had been pretty acclaimed since he broke out onto the scene not too long ago, but witnessing something like that, no matter the place, was pretty nice. It meant he was getting somewhere, and it meant there was still a lot in store for him. She was a very proud friend.
On the other hand, she felt momentarily offended that she also hadn’t been recognized like that. Sure, she’d been called ‘gorgeous,’ but that didn’t hold a candle to being told one has a fan. But there was nothing more to expect. She didn’t step out onstage with Noel. She stuck herself behind the curtain, where she thought she’d thrive just as well.
It wasn’t working out that way, though. The part of her that wanted to be the next Diantha was aching, but that unshakeable sense of stage fright was too much to overcome.
It was simply too hard to be okay.
She grimaced to herself as the smell of cigarette smoke flew past her nose. Upon slightly turning her head, she was jarred by the realization she had mindlessly wandered into the designated smoking area. Seeing all of the apparent socialites standing around, fraternizing over the cancer sticks wasn’t necessarily an out-of-place thing. Kalosians just loved their damn cigarettes.
Her eyes roved from one redhead in a sparkling green dress to a robust-looking man in a standard black tux. He released a bellowing laugh, and the men around him also began laughing. She scoffed to herself.
Something’s fu--
“Well, something’s damn funny, isn’t it?”
The crack had come out of the one person standing closest to her. He was leaning over the barricading fence that separated this higher level from the dining area, his hands clasped together lightly. His head was turned in the direction of the laughing man so that all Odette could see was the back of his silver-grey head of hair and the snom sitting on his shoulder. She couldn’t help but notice his suit too. It was a striking slate grey, nearly matching his hair color.
He turned his head, giving Odette a good look at his profile. A cleanly shaven and defined jawline, topped by a delicate nose. A smoking cigarette hung from between his teeth, and he moved a hand to grasp it between two fingers.
“Maybe he realized he weighs as much as his net worth,” Odette said. She hadn’t planned to say it as loud as she did, and she only realized her mistake when the man started quietly chuckling. Odette took a long, slow sip of her drink, hoping that was going to be the end of the interaction. She felt out of place as it was, but part of her figured that making fun of a regular was a bad move.
“Congratulations, that might be the funniest joke I’ve heard all night,” he said as he pulled the cigarette out of his mouth.
"Om! Silly!” the snom squeaked. Learning how Isaur spoke had gotten her relatively familiar with ice type language, but not enough to where she could fully grasp everything the snom had said.
She side-eyed the man before fully turning back to face him, seeing he was now looking at her. With a frontal view, it was entirely clear to her that he was...
Wow.
If a god was specifically in charge of designing humans, they took care of him. She could see just how strikingly blue his eyes were. She didn’t even think eyes could get to that shade of blue.
She blinked slowly at him as if trying to ward off a mirage. His smile wavered, and she caught him looking her up and down. She felt a wave of self-consciousness wash over her, and she cleared her throat and turned her eyes away from him.
“That’s unfortunate to hear, I wasn't even trying,” she said, then sipped her champagne.
There were a couple of seconds of silence. Assuming the man had just decided to ignore her, she let relief fill her core.
“I'm going to come right out and ask instead of wondering for the rest of the night,” he suddenly said. "If you don't mind me inquiring, are you wearing high heels?"
The frown took over her lips before she even had a chance to register the question. "If you don't mind me inquiring, is that your natural hair color?" she shot back.
"Mm, no," he replied, not missing a beat. "It's Wella 050."
She wasn't entirely expecting him to answer seriously. Now, the ball was back in her court. She released a loud, relenting sigh.
"Yes. Stilettos might I add." She paused as she furrowed her brow. "Why?"
He took another puff, this time taking time to exhale the smoke. "Curiosity. I figured I had nothing to lose by asking."
"What if I'd decided to kick you?"
He smiled crookedly and shrugged. "I guess I'll spend the night in the hospital, then." He was awfully chipper about that thought.
"Are you always this forthright with strangers?"
Another shrug from him. “Some people tell me I'm too blunt for my own good, and I don't necessarily disagree. I'd call it my fatal flaw,” he said. He reached over a nearby ashtray and dabbed his cigarette. He then held it up as if gesturing to it.
“Can I offer you one as an apology?”
She was almost insulted. “Pass. Smoking is a singer’s death wish.”
Provided you still sang publicly, she thought bitterly.
He raised a brow as those bright blue eyes filled with minute confusion. “You’re in the designated smoking area,” he retaliated smoothly. He inhaled another puff before blowing the smoke out in her direction. “I figured that's what you were here for. No need for the snootiness.”
Odette fanned the smoke away lazily. She noticed the aroma also had a tinge of fruitiness to it. She assumed that was coming off his natural breath, which was...nice? No, it wasn’t. Blowing smoke in somebody’s face like that was a rude thing to do. She felt a twang of anger and tightened her grip on her drink.
“Just stating a fact,” she said stiffly.
"Well, if you must know, they lace these particular sticks with pecha berries, so it actually eliminates lung buildup entirely.”
Ah, so that explained the fruity smell. She flexed the corners of her lips, trying to suppress the buildup of a sarcastic remark. It didn’t quite work. “Well, if my mimikyu partner ever decides to take up smoking, I’ll be sure to pick those up at the chemist. He's got a pecha obsession.”
A smirk caressed his lips as he turned his whole body to face her, leaning his hand on the fence. He fished in his inner jacket pocket, then withdrew an unmarked cigarette carton.
“This one little package will run you about €3,000. So good luck with that.”
“Silly! Ommmmmmm, expensive.”
Odette’s eyes narrowed, and that prickle started to intensify. She was allowed to make fun of herself for being poor in comparison to most of the people in this room, but who was this guy and his bug to assume she couldn’t afford a €3,000 pack of cigarettes?
“What makes you think I don’t have that chunk of change sitting in my trust fund?”
Another exhalation of smoke from him. He reached up and scratched the snom on its head. The gesture was so damn cute, and the urge to swoon broke through her desire to punch him in the chest. The conflicting emotions startled her.
What’s wrong with you?
“Because most of the spoiled brats here would be too scared to insult one another out loud,” he scoffed. “They prefer to do it the old-fashioned way--behind each other’s backs. Which leads me to believe you’re not one of the spoiled brats.”
That...wasn’t the answer she was expecting. Her guard began to fall back down to size, and the anger started to fade.
“Plus, I’ve never seen your face before, so I was partially running on an assumption on that end,” he added sheepishly.
“...right,” she said.
His snarky grin turned friendly as he held his hand out. “Let me start over. I’m Clovis,” he introduced himself. “And this is Powdered Sugar.” He nodded toward his tiny friend, and it beamed as if it had just been given an esteemed award.
“Hi there, friend!”
Odette didn’t fully realize how attracted she was to tall hot men and their cute small partners until that moment.
Okay, okay, she thought. Get afucking grip.
She eyed him for a split second, taking that time to pull her thoughts back together. She then approached and took a firm hold of his hand.
“Odette,” she replied. She figured leaning on the railing next to him would be okay. He didn’t protest, instead just returning his attention to his smoke.
"So, Odette," Clovis began. "What's a non-brat like you doing at a gathering like this?"
"Oh, you know, the usual," she replied. "Talking about the loads of money I keep under my bed and the six sports cars I never drive I keep in my garage."
That got a snicker out of him. It was a tinkly little noise that intensified the odd warmth in her chest. "You only have six? That's unfortunate. I was talking to someone who had ten."
"Damn. I need to step my game up, then."
"I'm not much of a car person, honestly," Clovis said. He took another drag, burning the cigarette close to its end. "I'm far more into fashion. I feel that's always the better investment. Though, I'm sure you know that. You must have paid a fortune for that dress."
"Oh, you think I had to pay for this myself?" Odette queried, dramatically holding her hand over her chest. "Please. This is a custom Ralph Lurantis. He makes all my dresses personally, free of charge."
"No kidding," he gasped, covering his mouth with the back of his hand as he bluffed his shock. "I've been bugging that old bat to custom make me a suit for years. How the hell did you manage?"
"With my stellar charisma, how else?"
"Shit, and here I am settling for a measly store-bought Comme De Garchomp set. You're in the big leagues."
"Too bad these lovely knockoff Jimmy Chinchou heels don't bring me up to the height requirement for the big leagues."
More chuckles. Louder ones. “Are you sure I can’t offer you a cigarette?” he asked as he put the butt of his out on the ashtray. "I do owe you an apology. Knockoff Jimmy Chinchou's are nothing to scoff at."
“As much as I appreciate the gesture, do you want to watch me choke to death?”
He rolled his eyes, flipping the carton open. He pulled out two of the sticks, biting down on one and handing the other to her. “Don’t be so dramatic. One won’t kill your singing lungs. Besides, don’t you know all the best singers smoke everything under the sun?”
“And look where a lot of them are now,” she sneered, taking it with a hesitant twitch of her fingers. She took a moment to down what was left of her champagne. Unsure of what to do with the glass, she set it on an ashtray. Clovis didn't move to chastise her for it, so she supposed it was okay.
“I’ve never ingested smoke that wasn’t being emitted by a chandelure," she admitted.
Clovis had suddenly produced a lighter. When she looked up, his cigarette was already lit, and he was holding the artificial flame out to her. She bit down on her own, and he held the flame up to the tip.
“Pretend it’s a straw for a second, so the tobacco lights,” he explained. “Don’t inhale yet; just suck.”
Something of a dirty joke looped around her frontal lobe, and she gnawed into the cigarette's tip until she forgot about it. She did as she was instructed, and soon the cancer stick was ignited.
“Okay, now you want to inhale just a little. You don’t want to overload yourself on the first drag,” Clovis continued as he pocketed the lighter.
She took a slow, shallow breath. She could feel the smoke going into her mouth and snaking down her throat while a fruity, flowery flavor spread over her palate. It wasn’t the nasty processed pecha flavoring chemist companies like to put in their medicines, it legitimately tasted like there were real pecha berries in the cigarette. She supposed with a €3,000 price tag, she shouldn’t have expected much less.
She felt a tickle start to form in her throat and took that as a sign to exhale. She didn’t want to push it, lest she actually break out into a coughing fit, and she didn’t want to embarrass herself much more in front of him. She removed the cigarette from her mouth and breathed out slowly, watching as the berry smoke swirled up to mesh with the giant nicotine cloud floating overhead.
Clovis raised his brows, impressed. “And you said you were going to choke to death. Look at you.”
“Fast learner, I know.”
He nodded in approval before taking a long drag from his stick. His mouth went slack, and some smoke began seeping out. He inhaled it back through his nose before it could get too far, then blew it out altogether. Odette had to turn her head away to hide the pink that had started forming on her face again. She’d never thought of smoking as something attractive, but dear gods...
Get. A. Fucking. Grip.
“So. Chandelure? Mimikyu? I take it you’re a ghost-type trainer?” he queried.
She jumped at the sound of the question. “Oh,” she said quickly. “Sort of. More a general magical-type specialist,” she told him. “So ghosts, a fairy, a psychic…”
That seemed to pique his interest because he leaned a little closer to her. “Wait, that’s neat,” he said. There was a sense of mild excitement in his tone. “I don’t know a lot of full magical-type trainers. What’s your team? Do you keep an astral shrine?”
Odette felt all the air deflate from her head. This was getting to be a little much. She’d had maybe one or two crushes before, but nothing like this. “Ah, w-ell,” she stammered. “Yeah, I do. It took a while to configure, but I've been happy with the output. And I have a chandelure, a mimikyu, a gothitelle, a sylveon, and a--”
She felt something cold barrel into the back of her legs. “Odette, look at what I fucking found!” it said.
She peered down to see Isaur with a plate full of hors d'oeuvres. Her cheeks were full of something, so much so she could barely speak. But she was beaming nonetheless.
Odette stared at her for a moment, then laughed. “Oh, hey, foodie. Where’s Freddy?”
“Hell if I know, he ran off for some server,” Isaur said, shrugging. She shoved something that looked like the remains of a chicken kebab in her mouth. Odette was shocked she even had room for it.
Well, the answer wasn't helpful. Hopefully, Freddy had found Noel wherever he was.
“As I was saying, I have froslass partner as well. This is Isaur,” Odette gestured to her partner and peered back at Clovis but was momentarily shocked to find him kneeling down to Isaur’s height. His eyes sparkled with interest.
“Why didn’t you start with that?” he said. He outstretched a friendly hand to the froslass, who looked confused.
“Good evening, Isaur. I’m Clovis. I do hope you’re enjoying yourself,” he greeted.
“Om! Om frosslass!” Snom squeaked.
Isaur took a second to stare at him. Something of a giggle fell out of her, and she floated over and grabbed hold of his fingers with her free hand.
“Oh, I am for sure,” she purred. "You're quite the gentleman."
“I try sometimes,” Clovis said with a nod and a charming grin. He shook her hand, then released it and stood up. Still giggling, Isaur floated back behind Odette’s legs, where she sat down and poked her head out shyly. Isaur wasn’t a shy Pokemon by any means, so seeing her reduced to a laughing mess like that was bizarre. It seemed he was having a similar effect on both of them.
“Let me guess,” Odette said incredulously. “Ice-type trainer?”
“Was it obvious?” Clovis asked.
“The snom partner, the silver hair, the blue eyes, the way you schmoozed a froslass. I can see it,” Odette said coyly, bringing the cigarette back to her mouth.
He held his hands out to his sides bashfully. “Read me like a book," he said sarcastically.
"One of my many hidden talents," she said, the confidence clear in her voice. "Are you from Snowbelle?"
Clovis shook his head. “No, actually,” he said. “I just figure skated competitively for--" He caught himself, then cleared his throat. Panic flashed in his eyes for a short moment, gone as quickly as it appeared. She might have missed it if she wasn’t staring right at him.
“Actually, that’s not important,” he said easily as if trying to brush it off.
She didn’t peg him as an artistic type, especially not one to engage in a dance-based activity. But hearing that caused the astronomically sized crush she had to grow. She suddenly had so many more questions. However, it was clear he didn’t want to discuss it, so she decided it would be best not to press.
Maybe he was trying to...hide his age? Was he older than he looked? She tried not to frown at the thought. Instead, she attempted to find the words to fill the sudden gap in their conversation and almost panicked when nothing came to mind. But, she needn’t have bothered.
“Hey, LeClair!”
Good things couldn’t last, could they? She felt like she’d been on cloud nine while she was alone with this man and was immediately shot down to hell at the sound of Dorien’s voice. He emerged at Clovis's side no sooner had his words carried through the smoking area.
“Hey, Bonhomme,” Clovis said cooly. Odette watched in silent horror as Dorien eagerly raised a closed fist, and the two touched knuckles.
They were...friends?
Dorien leaned against Clovis’s shoulder. “I see you've already met my date," he said. Odette very nearly threw up.
"Your date?" Clovis repeated.
"Yes! This is the guest I invited, remember?” Dorien asked. “I told you about her yesterday.”
“Oh!" Clovis said excitedly, some realization hitting him. He turned and pointed at her with the cigarette. "You’re the one who beat his ass at the Pokemon school."
Odette forced a smile and heard Isaur wheeze into a snicker. “Yep. That was me,” she said.
Clovis took a long drag, barely able to hold down his laughter. “Well, I’m not entirely shocked by that,” he said after pulling it out of his mouth. His voice sounded strained until he exhaled the smoke directly into Dorien’s face. “He sucks.”
Dorien began to cough, but it gave way to some light laughs as he fanned the gas away. But Odette couldn’t help but notice how forced it sounded.
“Not only are you a liar, but your words mean nothing considering you train ice types,” Dorien commented. Surely, he meant it jokingly, but an edge to his tone made it sound serious. Clovis's grin morphed into something more wicked.
“You say that, and yet,” he said, shrugging his shoulders in an exaggerated fashion. “How many times have I beaten you?"
Dorien sucked in a deep breath, and Odette noticed his jaw clench. “Don't act all high and mighty, I've bested you many times. Remember, I still have the type advantage.”
“Which means it stings more when I win, huh,” Clovis said. That grin didn’t falter, even as he brought the cigarette back to his mouth. “Let me know when you want to admit you’re salty about it.”
“Me? Admit I’m salty? That’s not a gentlemanly thing to do,” Dorien said politely.
“It wouldn’t be the first thing about you that isn’t gentlemanly, sweet cheeks.” A pause, and he clamped Dorien on the shoulder. “Just kidding, you’re a chip off the old block.”
"Oh, you’re so full of it. I could say the same about you!”
Their respective smiles were growing nastier by the minute. After a couple of long, almost excruciating seconds of silence, Clovis suddenly reached over and snuffed out the half-smoked cigarette on the ashtray.
Maybe they weren’t friends.
“Well, that’s enough back-and-forth for me. I should go make my rounds,” he declared. He reached up and patted Dorien twice on the cheek. “I’ll catch you at dinner, salty man. If you see Denis, Adam, Lionel, or Colin, tell them I said hello.”
Odette's ears perked at the names, but she couldn't speak before Dorien did.
"Will do, you damn jokester.”
From the way Dorien jaw remained clenched and the way Clovis's brow twitched, it was all too obvious to her that it there was bad blood there, and neither one of them wanted to acknowledge it.
Clovis then approached Odette. Before she could do anything, he planted a friendly kiss on each of her cheeks. She returned the gesture shakily, praying to the gods he wouldn’t feel how fast she was heating up.
“It was a pleasure meeting you, Odette."
“Don't forget me!” Isaur said affectionately, eagerly floating up to Clovis's face.
He smiled warmly at her, and the two of them exchanged friendly cheek kisses as well.
"How could I? It was a pleasure meeting you too, Isaur." he said.
“Snomm!” Powdered Sugar said gleefully.
Clovis walked off without another word, shoving his hands in his pockets as he went. Odette waited for a second before turning around to watch him go, and boy…she wished she had a photographic memory.
“Your face is a little red, are you getting a fever?”
She flinched and turned to see Dorien leaning his head far too close to her shoulder. She had half a mind to scream in his face. Instead, she sucked her teeth and brought the lit cigarette to her lips, where she chomped down on the tip of it.
“Hm. Must be the smoke,” she muttered, forcing herself to ignore the urge to sidestep away. She heard Isaur grumble to herself unintelligibly.
“I was going to introduce you guys at dinner, but I guess this works too,” Dorien laughed. “He gave you one of his cigs, that definitely means you made a good impression.”
She hated to admit it, but she eagerly whipped her head toward him. “You can tell?”
“Sure, yeah,” Dorien said. “We’re best friends, I know him very well.”
She couldn’t help but raise a brow. “You’re best friends?”
Dorien cleared his throat as he curled his arm around her waist. “Oh, yes. Super close,” he said. "We rib each other, but it's all in good fun."
The doubt she felt was astronomical.
“If there’s anybody you want to be friendly with, it’s Clovis LeClair. He might be one of the richest people in the building tonight. Worth billions,” Dorien added.
Of fucking course he is, she thought.
“He’s richer than you? I love to hear it,” she said, allowing the slightest bit of edge to peek out.
“The LeClairs are involved in multiple business ventures around the world, so of course, that’s more lucrative than dealing in the shiny trade of one region.” He said it like he'd had that line rehearsed. Was that something he talked about frequently?
And more humane, she thought. She wanted to say it out loud. Instead, she just nodded along.
"But enough about me," Dorien continued. He stepped in front of her, moving his hands to her hips while he eyed her hungrily. She could barely hear a growl from Isaur and had half a mind to growl herself. His hands on her hips felt slimy.
She felt slimy for letting them stay there.
"That dress looks absolutely scrumptious on you. Did you wear that for me?" he asked, clutching onto the fabric while his lips formed a lustful smile. Odette suddenly wanted to put out the lit cigarette on his eyeball.
"How'd you know?" she said in a drawl, turning her head to look up at him. She stuck the cancer stick back between her lips and took another drag, maintaining her half-lidded eye contact as she did. That appeared to send him into a frenzy because he inhaled sharply as he placed his forehead against hers. She could smell the mint on his breath and whatever expensive cologne he'd dabbed behind his ears, and it caused some bile to rise in her throat. Isaur moved at her feet, and she extended her leg ever-so-slightly to bar the froslass from doing anything rash.
"You're playing a dangerous game, looking at me like that," Dorien said in a sultry purr. "Especially wearing that, my god. I'm almost jealous that everybody gets to see you in it. But I love showing you off."
"Mm," she responded, pressing her lips together tightly as she spun the cigarette in her fingers. It'd be so easy to just put it out on his face. His cheek was right fucking there.
"Good to know you like it that much. I'll keep that in mind." And by that, she meant she would have Ange burn the dress when she got home. She'd buy her maman a new one someday to make up for it.
Thankfully, Dorien pulled his head back and began to eye her again. He pursed his lips in a quizzical fashion before talking. "Normally, I don't like that color, actually. But on you? Mama mia." He paused to think for a second, then offered a playful grin. "That's a musical, right? See, I know a thing or two about Broadway."
Gods, she wanted to stab him.
"I'm so proud of you," she said. She had more to say, but somebody cleared their throat, and they sounded very close. She looked over her shoulder to see Noel standing with Freddy on his gloved arm. The bird was holding a glass of water in his beak, and Odette locked eyes with him. Freddy nodded once as if gesturing to the glass.
“Man, Dee, smoking? I’m disappointed in you," Noel chastised, shaking his head.
“Oh, Noel!” Dorien gasped, loosening his hold on Odette. “Odie didn’t tell me you and your partner were coming too. Colin's walking around somewhere; I'm sure he'd love to see you.”
Panic surged within Noel's eyes. However, he didn't let his smile waver. “Oh, wonderful," he said strongly. "Dee here really likes to keep important things like that to herself, I guess."
Odette now realized she heard right. She didn't know who Lionel was, but Colin, Adam, and Denis were old schoolmates, ones she wasn't expecting to see here. Though they were always hanging around that clique of rich kids, so perhaps it wasn't that shocking. What was it with the good-looking rich boys and such a fucked up institution? Was there something about it that gave them perfect teeth and pretty eyes?
Noel was playing it cool, but Odette could see he looked a little pained, as he always did when anybody brought up his ex-boyfriends...especially when it involved actually seeing them. He and Colin weren't together very long, since Noel and anything "long-term" and "romantic" never went together. And he liked to keep it that way.
Still, Odette took the awkward conversation as an opportunity to wriggle out of Dorien's arms, desperate to get her hands on that water. She approached Noel, and Freddy extended his neck to give her the glass.
"Thank you," she mouthed as she began to sip it. She didn't realize how much anger she was withholding until the water went down her throat. It replenished the energy she'd lost to playing a bimbo and keeping herself from throwing a table through one of the windows.
Noel stepped around her and held his free hand out to Dorien, who took it without hesitation. Moving along with the conversation, it seemed.
“How have you been? Haven't seen you since graduation,” Dorien said. “I hear you’re doing great things at the performing arts center.”
Noel giggled bashfully. Well, fake bashfully. That certainly wasn’t his real shy laugh. “Naturally, just living my own dream,” he said whimsically as Freddy fluttered his wings. Now feeling more awake, Odette was taken aback when she watched her friend’s bright smile turn lustful.
“But let's be real here,” he said in a borderline whisper. “I could be doing great things to you if you’d give me the chance, Bonhomme.”
Noel brought Dorien’s hand to his lips without warning and placed a long, firm kiss on it. He didn’t stop until Dorien jerked his hand back.
Odette’s absolute disgust turned to unbridled humor when she saw sweat forming on Dorien’s brow. He was doing a horrible job in masking his uncomfortableness with the situation, what with the way he gritted his teeth through his forced smile and rubbed at his hand as if he’d just been bitten by a parasect.
Isaur began to snicker, and Odette nudged her roughly to shut her up. She sipped the rest of the water to keep herself from laughing too.
"Noel, leave him alone," she whined, straining herself to keep up an annoyed tone.
“L-isten,” Dorien stammered. “I don’t go that way. I’ve never been into that. I can find Colin if you're looking for a hookup, but I'm taken.”
Noel blinked a few times, then cocked his head to the side innocently. Questioningly. He then exchanged looks with Freddy, who looked equally as confused. “Really? No side flings? I totally thought you at least went both ways.”
"Noel!" Odette gasped, smacking him lightly on the shoulder. He met her eye, and she could see the mischievous shine in his. "Come on, I told you we were kind of a thing now."
Noel feigned shock really well. "Ohhhhhhhh," he said. "It's like...official official. Got it. I'm sorry, I must have missed the memo."
"Yeah, I suppose telling you while you were drunk wasn't my smartest choice," Odette sighed, proud of how regretful she sounded. It felt like a nice improvised touch.
Dorien’s expression fell. He dropped his hands to his sides before tucking them behind his back. He inhaled deeply as if trying to compose himself.
“That's right. Official official," he breathed. "I'd love to stay and chat, but I need to excuse myself. I think my father’s business partner is calling me, so I'll leave you two to it for a bit."
Without warning, he sidestepped back around Noel and looped his arm around Odette's waist, pulling her into his chest. He leaned in and planted a deep, heavy kiss on her lips. The gesture's absolute abruptness instinctively caused Odette to suck in her lips, and she positioned herself to bash him over the head with her water glass.
Stage kiss, stage kiss, stage kiss, you're acting. This is fake.
She exhaled sharply, allowing herself to fall into the kiss numbly. She stalled all conscious thought while coaxing all tenseness from her body, trying to mimic coming down from the surprise. When she felt heavy again, she rested the hand holding the cigarette on Dorien's shoulder. He finally pulled away after what seemed like an hour, now wearing a triumphant smile over his lipstick-stained lips.
"I'll come back and get you in a bit, Doll," he said, thumbing the corner of his mouth. He then lowered his voice to a whisper. "Hope that was official enough."
He released her and shot a glare over his shoulder at Noel before storming off.
Odette kept her eyes locked on the floor, blinking every so often. She could feel the cigarette in her fingers and the cold glass against her palm. Her lips were still sizzling where Dorien had left his mark. She could feel Isaur patting her on the cheek. Slowly but surely, she was restarting herself.
"Blink twice if you need a breath mint. Blink once if you're going to throw up," Noel urged, placing a hand on her shoulder.
She took a long time to register what he was saying. She felt dizzy, but her stomach had settled enough to where she was sure she wouldn't vomit.
She gave Noel two long, hard blinks.
Noel nodded, then jolted his gloved arm, prompting Freddy to hover over to the ashtray. Noel then reached into his jacket pocket and withdrew a pack of Altoids. He flicked the pack open and handed it to her.
That was enough to pull her the rest of the way out of her haze. She dropped the cigarette and lunged for the metal box. She snatched up four of the white tablets and threw them into her mouth without thinking twice about it. Her body deflated again, and she hung her head in a mixture of exhaustion and an onslaught bout of shame.
"Damn, he really thinks you're dating," Noel scoffed, leaning down to pick the cigarette up. Odette took that opening to smack him on the back. Isaur also followed by wordlessly punching him in the shoulder.
"Yeah, no shit, honey," she said in a huff. "Why the fuck did you do that?"
She really should have been livid, but the look on Dorien's face was far too funny.
"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-ch," he whined. "I'm sorry, I figured you needed the laugh, and I didn't think he was gonna do that. Are you okay?" he asked as he stood upright. He tossed the cigarette into an ashtray before rubbing where he'd been hit on his arm.
With a couple of timed breaths, it was safe to say that she wouldn't explode. She was damn near ready to crack his skull open. But no. She got it; she was in control.
The kiss was fake. She was acting. She could control herself. She was in control. She could have stopped that if she wanted to, and she knew that.
She knew that...
"I'm good. His reaction was worth it, and that's unfortunately not the first time he's kissed me," she said in disgust. "Are you okay? He said 'Colin,' and you looked like you were going to shrivel up."
Noel pressed his lips into a flat line, adjusted his coat, and pushed through a partially forced, yet snarky, smile. "A little bit. But I'll be fine. I don't want any old affairs raining on my parade right now."
She supposed she could accept that answer. For now. She had other things she wanted to ask, anyway.
“Do you really think Dorien's got a thing for men?”
Noel scoffed. “No. I happen to know that the best way to get under any heterosexual misogynist's skin is to question their straightness. Though I did have a bit of a crush on him back in the day, sorry about it.”
“I've always said your tastes are ass,” Freddy commented flatly.
Odette nodded slowly, taking time to realize she found the remark funny. She snickered once, turning her head to exchange a look with Isaur.
“You’re a little shit,” Odette said back to Noel. She straightened her posture and began to rub her temple. "You couldn’t have picked a better time to show up, but don't fucking do that again."
"Yes ma'am, sorry ma'am," he replied.
"So, where did your fans take you?”
Noel offered a half smile as he reached into his coat pocket and withdrew a handful of folded napkins and business cards. At least he wasn't pressing anymore on what had just happened.
There had to be about four slips of paper in his hand, and Odette wasn’t quite sure what she was looking at until she snatched a card and looked at it. It was indeed a standard business card, but a handwritten number and a note were on the back.
555-8910, personal phone
Call me ♡
She raised a brow at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? What happened to getting juicy information?”
“I can mine for info and window shop at the same time,” Noel said. “You wouldn’t believe how many of these trust fund boomers will pay out the ass to enjoy themselves thoroughly, you know?”
“I didn’t know you were trying to be a sugar baby now.”
Noel snatched the card away from her. “That college tuition debt isn’t going to pay itself.” He pointed to the card. “This guy? Owns the Battle Maison in Kiloude. He’s fucking rolling in it.”
Odette blinked a few times to mask her puzzlement. “Noel, isn’t he like fifty? And married?”
"Like I said, ass taste!" Freddy said.
All she got in response to that was a wink. She knew it wouldn’t be worth getting into it with him; nothing would stop him from his flings. She supposed she had no room to get on his ass, considering she’d just spent several minutes trying to talk to a guy who was leaps and bounds outside her socioeconomic standing and then kissed the guy she wanted to strangle.
I was in control. Could have stopped if I wanted.
Shaking off that thought, she wondered how Noel made it seem so easy. They’d barely been separated for 20 minutes, and he had managed to get his hands on the feelings of not one but possibly four men. As questionable of a talent as it might have been, she couldn’t help but be impressed by it. And for once, envious. She’d have loved to have walked away from that conversation with Clovis with his contact in her hand, but she was just royally incapable of imposing such a request on him.
Noel wrapped his arm around her shoulders and began to lead her out of the smoking area.
“Look at it like this. Sex is the best way to get somebody talking. I'm sure letting Dorien mack on you is doing wonders."
"I'm whittling away at him, for sure," she said confidently. However, whether she was assuring Noel or herself was hard to tell.
"Also, since when the fuck do you smoke? I know you’re taking a break from using your chops, but jeez.”
She shook her head. “Somebody offered, and I couldn’t say no.”
***
Dinner time rolled around rather quickly. Odette and Noel had spent so much time scrounging around, trying their best to mingle in with the crowd, that they’d barely noticed people moving to sit at the formally set tables until Dorien came and found them. It looked like he had recovered from his moment of awkwardness because he acted as if nothing had happened. He directed them to his table, which was already seated with humans, but no Pokemon.
Odette quickly noticed that most of the guests returned their Pokemon to their balls as they went to sit. It wasn’t enough for her to warrant doing that with Isaur, especially with Dorien being as handsy as he was, but it struck her as peculiar. Most of the patrons at that fancy restaurant had their 'mons out, so why not here?
“Everyone,” Dorien said when they approached. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “This is my date, Odette, her partner Isaur, my old schoolmate Noel, and Freddy! They’ll be sitting with us tonight, so please be nice. I'm sure some of you already know them, actually."
Odette gritted her teeth and resisted the urge to twist his arm off of her. However, he let her go just in time for his friends to stand and greet them.
“My goodness, your lips look fantastic,” one woman said. “Are they natural, or do you get them done? My last plastic surgeon retired, so I’m in the market for a new one.”
Odette stared at her for a long while, trying to gauge how to answer. “Uh,” she stammered, blinking rapidly as she tried to come up with an answer that would make sense. "They're...natural. But my nana goes to Baby-Doll Eyes Cosmetic Surgery Center in Brackish Town. Rants and raves about it," she said. And that wasn't a lie. Marieanne went for yearly Botox appointments. Odette could barely make a difference after each appointment because she looked fine for her age, but if it made her happy, she wasn't one to judge. Needles in the face sounded like absolute hell, though.
The woman beamed. "Oh, I'll look into that. Thank you!"
Odette managed a grin and a nod. She wanted to go sit, but not before the mini Lansat Prep reunion.
"Well, I'll be damned; never thought I'd see Odette Cinq-Mars in a dress again," Denis greeted. He looked the same, yet far different than he had in school. Still tall, still muscular, still an overall tank. Still very pretty. Though, not so much anymore, now that she knew he was standing by and watching the nefarious crap happen.
Still, she made herself smile. "Hey Denis," she greeted. "Long time no see. You look great."
"Not compared to you," he purred as they exchanged polite cheek kisses. She decided just to let it roll.
Adam was a little more pleasant. For what a playboy he was, he also seemed to know when to keep his mouth in check. He didn't do much more besides the standard cheek-kiss greeting and a compliment.
"Red's a good color on you," he said with a friendly grin.
Next to her, Noel was reacquainting himself with Colin, who already had him in an iron hug.
"It's been so long! How have you been?" Colin said happily, swaying through his embrace. Odette could see Noel trying his best to hide his cringe and barely managing to hang on.
"I'm fantastic. It's great to see you, Colin," Noel said through his partially-distressed smile. When they finally pulled away from one another, Noel nodded happily but still looked ultimately relieved to be free. As Colin approached Odette to say hello, Noel sent her an aggrieved look, which she struggled not to laugh at as she exchanged another round of hugs and cheek kisses.
Dorien also introduced her to Lionel, the last name she didn't recognize. He looked roughly her age, and as good-looking as he was, she didn't recognize his face.
"This is Lionel," Dorien said. "He didn't go to Lansat with us, but he's been one of my longest friends."
Lionel didn't hesitate to grab her hand and kiss it firmly. "How'd I go so long without meeting you?" he questioned flirtatiously. Odette bristled, pressing her lips together to form something of a startled grin.
"I--" she stammered. For once, Dorien was out to save her because he aggressively pulled Lionel back and patted him on the shoulder.
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You'll scare her off," he warned, causing Lionel to shrug.
"I'm just giving credit where it's due. Good pick, Dory."
It took every ounce of nerve Odette had not to flip the table in front of her.
Several chairs were still open at their table, and she quickly sat down in one, with Noel to her right. Freddy took the one next to him right before Colin could snatch it. Dorien attempted to grab the empty chair on Odette's other side, but Isaur slipped into it as he pulled it out. Odette swallowed her relieved sigh and grabbed the set glass of water near her plate. She took a long, drawn-out gulp from it.
“Too slow, kiddo,” she taunted.
Dorien stared at her for a long moment before shrugging and moving to the empty chair next to Freddy. “Fine, fine. Who am I to separate Pokemon and trainer?” he huffed.
“Good on you, Isaur,” Noel said quietly, covering his mouth to hide his amusement.
“Oh shucks, table’s already filling up.”
The sound of Clovis’s voice caused Odette to cough on her sip, and she forced what was already in her mouth down before turning to see him approaching, snom still on his shoulder. A greeting made it to the tip of her tongue, but she needn’t have bothered. Everyone else was up greeting him before he’d even made it all the way over. They were polite to her and Noel, but they appeared to be extra nice to Clovis, with the way they showered him with joyous hugs and firm handshakes and cheek kisses.
“There’s always room for you, Clovis!” Colin said.
“You’re far too kind,” Clovis replied. “I can't ask you all to move for me, though.”
“Snom!” Powdered Sugar said.
“Nonsense!” Dorien called eagerly. He gestured to the last empty chair next to him. “Plenty of room to sit next to me.”
“Yes! Yes! I saved you a spot!” Isaur said suddenly. She moved to sit on Odette’s backrest, then gestured to the now-empty seat. Odette watched in silent embarrassment as Clovis smiled broadly and stepped over.
“Fancy seeing you here, Isaur. But I couldn’t possibly take your seat,” he said.
Isaur shook her head. “Definitely not mine. It's all yours if you want it,” she insisted.
Clovis snickered, then shot a look at Dorien. He shrugged. “This chair’s closer. Maybe next time?”
“Come now, you’d rather sit next to somebody you just met?” Dorien said. Odette was sure he was trying to be taunting, but it somehow sounded more like a warning. Regardless of what it actually was, Clovis didn’t appear to care.
“Don’t be jealous that she’s the new hotness and you’re the old busted,” he said pointedly.
The table erupted into light snickering, and with that, he sat. Odette eyed him, then cut her eyes to Isaur just in time to watch her land into the empty chair next to an unamused-looking Dorien. She looked positively proud of herself, and Odette wasn’t sure if she was thankful or mortified. Isaur playing wingwoman for her was uncharted territory.
“I hope you don’t mind me displacing your Pokemon,” Clovis said abashedly over the laughs.
“No, no. I think she was glad to move.”
She heard Noel clear his throat, effectively earning her and Clovis’s attention. Noel reached his hand over to the newcomer, flashing his teeth.
“Hi, I don’t think we met. I’m Noel,” he said quickly. Clovis was ever-gracious and shook his hand happily.
“Pleasure to meet you.”
“You know Odette, huh?” Noel asked.
Clovis nodded. “Sure, we had a smoke break just a little ago.”
Noel cocked his head to the side. “No kidding! She’s not really much of a smoker.”
“Well, she did pick it up pretty fast.”
“Yep,” Odette said quickly. “Like I told him, I’m a fast learner.”
“And couldn’t say no?” Noel queried under his breath. Odette kicked him under the table, and he winced. But it got him to stop talking. All he offered in response was a wry grin as he slumped back in his seat.
The next thing Odette knew, everybody was chattering amongst themselves. Now that the greetings and formalities were out of the way, there was nothing else left to do but talk some more until the food was brought out. Noel didn’t seem to have trouble entering into conversation, but Odette found herself alone with her short-circuiting brain, unsure what to do. Actually, that was a lie. She knew what she wanted to do but wasn’t sure how.
“So, what else are you quick at learning?” Clovis spoke.
Well, that just saved her from having to strike up the conversation first. She nearly fell out of her chair when she met his blue eyes again.
“Pardon?” she said.
“Magical-type specialist, singer, good at reading...are those the only things you have under your belt, or are you more in-depth than that?” he pressed.
She opened her mouth to speak but found it difficult to form the words. What was there to her? She hadn’t been asked to “talk about herself” since the icebreaker the Purrloins! cast did on the first day of rehearsals. “I...dance?” she said. “Danced,” she corrected after a beat.
He straightened his posture. His eyes lit up in a way that showed her he was now extremely invested in the subject at hand. “Let me guess, ballroom? No, wait,” he said before squinting. “Ballet. You have the face of a ballet dancer.”
She didn’t mean to roll her eyes as hard as she did, but it just happened that way. “Just not the height or figure,” she said.
“I think short girls pas de deux the best,” he chuckled.
She wasn’t sure when the hell she swallowed a cutiefly, but the one in her stomach was flying in violent circles.
“I was more into hip-hop, actually. Afro dance is my favorite.”
Clovis scrunched his brows, and that little smirk of his became agog. The fact that she was managing to hold his interest like this was becoming thrilling. “Very interesting. I never ventured much past private ballet lessons.”
“Absolutely lame,” she scoffed, picking up her glass of water again. “You don’t know how to dance until you can throw the stiff rules out the window and just move.”
Clovis looked like he had some quick remark, but he was interrupted by a shrill beeping that seemed to be coming out of his suit. His calm and collected demeanor quickly morphed into something more rigged and aggravated, and he sighed heavily. He reached into the same pocket where he’d kept the carton of cigarettes and pulled out a cell phone--the newest Applin brand phone, no fucking less--which was blinking with an incoming call. He didn’t try to conceal it, so Odette got a perfect view of the caller ID before he pressed the ignore button.
Jocelyn (DO NOT ANSWER)
Odette averted her eyes away as he set the phone face down on the table. She drank some more to mask the curiosity that she so desperately wanted to show. It wasn’t any of her business, but she definitely had some questions.
Clovis began rubbing his face as if warding off whatever aggravation had just overcome him. He sighed again before turning to face her. “Sorry, where were we?”
“I was calling you lame.”
That smirk returned with frightful ease. If she hadn’t just witnessed his slip into annoyance firsthand, she’d have never known it happened at all. “Right, because you think--”
The phone rang again, and just like that, he was aggravated once more. He picked it up, only to be met with the same caller ID. He muttered a stream of curse words under his breath, then began to look around almost frantically.
“Okay, you know what--” he said. Odette watched as his eyes landed on the beautiful table centerpiece. It was a fantastic arrangement of real burgundy dahlias and scabiosas in a tall crystalline vase. Clovis stood, pushed aside the flowers, and dropped the phone into the water. It landed with a subtle splash, earning the attention of everyone at the table.
Clovis adjusted his coat, then sat back down. He pointed to Powdered Sugar. “Remind me that’s there before we leave. Or don’t.”
“Okay!"
“Wow, Clovis, do you know what the power button is?” Adam asked.
“I sure do, but I like this arrangement better,” Clovis replied.
“Did one of your many suitors get ahold of your number?” Dorien said, wiggling his eyebrows for dramatic effect.
Odette’s eyes widened despite herself. Suitors? She should have expected that much—surely she wasn’t the only girl in the room eyeing him. He was the whole package. Gorgeous, seemingly with a personality of substance. The money was just a damn plus.
When she actually cleared her head, she finally registered the biting tone in Dorien’s words. A tone she’d expect from a jealous party, one trying to get under somebody else’s skin. She shot him a questioning look. He locked eyes with her, then blew her a kiss.
Dickhead, she thought, sending back an obliged smile. His contact name in her phone proved truer and truer every time they interacted.
Clovis abruptly paused. His eyebrow twitched as he raised his gaze. “You say that…like I have girls lining up at my door?”
The clear confusion in his tone was enough to calm her nerves.
Dorien shrugged. “Do you not? I’d figure that much from a man of your wealth.”
“Try figuring out other things instead, okay? I know it's hard, but I believe in you.”
Dorien sighed deeply. “Well, if you’re that desperate to get rid of your phone, why not get a little training off on that snom and have him freeze it?” Dorien said.
“I think I’d be better off having him freeze your lips shut,” Clovis snapped in a scoff, not missing a beat.
“Oooooom!” Powdered Sugar snapped.
"Easy boys," Denis chortled. “I get that you’re hangry, but no need to take it out on each other.”
Clovis sucked his teeth. “Oh, relax, it’s just a bit. I’d never actually do it.”
“He’s like my older brother. I have to harass him here and there,” Dorien said through an exhale, throwing his arms out to his sides.
“Naturally,” Clovis agreed.
Odette wanted to groan. Even if it was fake, watching the man she hated and the man she was trying to shmooze act so buddy-buddy was difficult.
"Well. Taking bets on what’s for dinner tonight,” Lionel said. Another round of conversations began, and Clovis turned his attention back on her.
"Sorry. Sometimes our back-and-forths get a little out of hand," he said. Odette had no issue picking up on the aggravation in his voice that he was undoubtedly trying to hide.
"Seems in line for a sibling-like relationship, yeah?" she asked. “How’d you meet?”
Clovis bobbed his head from side to side, pursing his lips pensively. "Another gathering like this. A couple of years back. His family wanted to befriend mine, and vice versa. The rest is history.”
She nodded. “Oh, so it was more of a…political thing?”
A snicker from him. “Things always start political here. Everyone’s trying to get around, make connections, yadda yadda yadda.”
She watched as he averted his eyes over his shoulder, then leaned in closer to her. "That’s also how you pick up on the bones in everyone’s closets," he whispered.
Odette rested her cheek in her palm. She didn’t need to act like she was interested because she genuinely wanted to hear where this was going. The hot billionaire with all the dirt? 'Jackpot' wasn’t a strong enough word.
“Are you going to elaborate on that, or are you just taunting me?”
She half-expected him to blow her off, even though he had brought it up, but he looked to be hunting for an answer. “Hm, well,” he started. "Since you're fraternizing with a Bonhomme and his pals, you should be somewhat in the know."
She didn't like how he said that, but that was the least of her concerns.
Clovis began to scan the room, and Odette instinctively followed his gaze in anticipation. She watched him discreetly point at a woman sitting at a table right next to them.
“Lydia Auclair. She runs a successful vegan bakery company and gained popularity for how good her products taste. But, she somehow neglects to tell her customers that she makes a lot of them with vanilluxe milk because it just 'tastes the best.' Humanely sourced from the Pokemon-Trainer Work Program, of course, but I doubt the vegans she sells to would care enough about that,” he said. He paused again, hunting down another victim. He wheezed to himself as he pointed all the way across the dance floor toward a buff-looking man sitting with a woman on each side.
“Enzo Barbeau. Spends all of his money on high-end hookers, all while his finance company is on the verge of bankruptcy.”
His finger traveled to another man. An older one sitting next to a lady who was obviously his wife. However, neither one of them looked thrilled to be in such close proximity to one another.
“And Burke Agard,” he said. Owns the Battle Maison in Kiloude. Absolutely gay, and his wife Camille knows he has several boy toys on the side to suit that need. She just doesn’t want to deal with losing money in the inevitable divorce, so she pretends she doesn’t know.”
Odette stifled a laugh into her hand, thinking back to Noel’s stash of phone numbers. “You know what,” she said. “Somehow, I think I knew that one.”
Clovis opened his mouth to speak again but was cut off by the sound of a mic being tapped. It echoed through the room, effectively silencing everybody and alerting them to a woman clad in a beige tea-length gown standing in the center of the dance floor.
“Good evening, everybody!” she said. “We hope you’re enjoying the festivities and your dinner!”
There was some light applause and cheering, and the woman waited for it to die down before going on.
“But now, it is time to commence tonight’s slated exhibition battle. We have, of course, selected two contestants from tonight’s guest list to take part with their brand-new Pokemon,” she explained. More, louder cheers were earned from that.
“So please, give a warm welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Patenaude!”
A well-dressed man and woman, presumably the called-upon Patenaudes, stood from their table opposite the dance floor. Mrs. Patenaude wore a floor-length satin orange gown. It was tight fitting, really accentuating her features...save for the fact it was an atrocious color.
“Orange really only looks good on a charmander, doesn’t it?” Odette heard Clovis mumble. She started to wonder if he was reading her mind. She sure hoped not, as that would be a level of embarrassment she’d never be able to overcome.
She focused in on Mr. Patenaude, noticing how he wore a bow that matched the woman’s dress. They locked arms with each other as they sauntered to the middle of the floor, and the applause soon subsided. The couple smiled broadly, clearly looking forward to the battle they were about to engage in. She had to wonder if they did this often...actually, she had to wonder if married couples really battled each other often in general? Was that a thing that couples did to show affection? She couldn’t really recall any times she’d seen her grandparents battle, but then again, neither of them were really battle-oriented trainers…
She was truly clueless. How could she be sitting here, rolling in a primary school grade crush, and not even knowing the basics of what romantic relationships require?
Odette was removed from her intrusive thoughts by the emcee speaking again. She gestured happily to the couple as she regarded the crowd.
“As I said, this will be an exhibition match between our previously selected contestants. We ask that all guests, Pokemon, and humans alike, remain seated at their tables until the battle ends. No interference should be necessary,” she explained. “We also ask that you please enjoy the show! This shall be a fantastic treat for all of us.”
More applause sounded. Odette exchanged dubious looks with Noel as she quietly put her hands together.
“Mr. and Mrs. Patenaude, you may take your positions. I will call the start of the match,” the emcee said. The couple gazed at each other lovingly before exchanging a small kiss. They then walked to the opposite ends of the floor. As they moved, walls of light shot up from the perimeter of it, stretching the length to the ceiling before fading away.
“I guess they use this as an arena a lot,” Noel said. “My poor ass can’t keep up.”
Odette smirked as she watched the opponents withdraw their respective pokeballs, each one of them grinning with anticipation. Mrs. Patenaude took it upon herself to stick her leg out from the slit in her dress skirt, and she bounced on the heel of her Jimmy Chinchou shoe. Mr. Patenaude adjusted his coat as he stared at his wife, looking...flirty. Odette wondered if this was some sort of foreplay for them. Like a kink. Could battling be a kink? That somehow sounded gross, especially with so many people watching. Then again, voyeurism was also a kink.
She felt more of her brain cells starting to die off. She’d never thought so hard about the ins and outs of romance and sex in her entire twenty-two years of existence, at least in regard to herself. But, leave it to one head of luscious silver hair to change that.
The couple’s collective anticipation seemed to expand and take hold of the entire room. It was amazing how fast everyone fell silent, waiting with bated breath for the battle to commence. Odette had never witnessed such an atmosphere surrounding a mere exhibition battle.. For all she knew, it was staged down to the movement. Still, hopefully, it’d be enough to take her mind out of the gutter for the time being.
The emcee raised her hand. “Trainers ready!” she called. She then paused, seemingly for dramatic effect. “Begin!”
Their Pokemon were out in the field before the emcee had jogged to safety. Mrs. Patenaude sent forth a bright green scizor, while her husband used a dark green malamar. Odette supposed she should have expected them to be shiny, but she still felt surprised seeing them. Being in the presence of so many shiny Pokemon still felt so bizarre.
“Sciiiii,” Scizor drawled.
“Mal,” Malamar said in a low voice.
All of Odette’s surprise faded out and was replaced with intense concern.
Both of those Pokemon...looked so tired. More tired-looking than any other Pokemon she'd seen tonight.
Malamar were known to squint a lot, but Mr. Patenaude’s malamar was blinking like it was running on thirty minutes of sleep. Meanwhile, the scizor looked as if it was going to topple over at any moment. It wobbled as its feet hit the ground.
With narrowed eyes, she shot another look back at Noel. He was wearing an intense frown, and his arms were crossed over his chest.
"What the fuck?" she mouthed.
"I don't know," Noel responded.
There wasn’t much else to say, so she forced herself to look back at the battle. Did they both...forget to heal their Pokemon before coming into the battle? Were they both just stupid?
“Scizor, use Agility!” Mrs. Patenaude cheered.
“Malamar, Brutal Swing!” Mr. Patenaude declared.
Scizor put its pincers together, concentrating. As it did that, Malamar sprang forward. Well, sprang was a strong word. It looked more like a slow, discombobulated trot. A faint glow took hold of its tendrils as it reared back to swing at Scizor.
“Maaaaaaal,” it squeaked.
“Sciiii.”
Malamar swung, and Scizor tried to use its newfound speed to get out of the way. However, it lost its footing and fell over. Malamar missed entirely, and the weight of its swing also caused it to fall over. Neither one made any moves to get up after that.
Was...was that it?
Odette knit her brows, waiting for the emcee to call it. Several seconds passed, and nothing. Were they waiting to see if they would get back up? Odette began to feel her anger creeping up again because this was just fucking cruel. Is this really what the wealthy liked to do? Send exhausted, barely healed Pokemon out into battle to watch them flail around and struggle? What kind of sick--
“Oh darn! They’re still a little tired,” Mrs. Patenaude said sheepishly.
“Well, then, let's just cut to the chase, shall we?” Mr. Patenaude responded.
They withdrew their tired Pokemon with such synchronicity it was a little unnerving. Mr. Patenaude then withdrew another ball from his coat pocket. Squinting through her glasses, Odette could not determine what kind of ball it was. It was pitch black, but the button was bright red. It blinked as if beckoning to be pressed. Mrs. Patenaude revealed her other leg, where the same kind of ball was strapped to her thigh. She grabbed it and held it up.
“We shall!” she shouted.
Mrs. Patenaude pressed the blinking button on her ball, and it opened with a puff of thick black smoke. As the questionable gas seeped from the ball, she brought her thumb to her mouth and bit down hard enough to draw blood.
“I lend you my blood, Hiruition!” she said. As she spoke, something shot from the ball. It moved to the middle of the playing field, as a beam of red formed around the incision she’d made on her thumb. It met the apparition, causing it to explode into a corporeal form.
It was as large as a gyarados, if not bigger, and had a similar body type...no, maybe it looked more like a dragonair? It slithered through the air like one, but it was too fat to be a dragonair, or gyarados...besides, neither one of those Pokemon had a proboscis like that one did. This thing looked more like a leech than anything else. It had a set of dark eyes that Odette could barely make out against its dark purple skin. Its tail end faded off into smoke, in the same way the outer edges of a gastly did.
Odette’s hand began to cramp from how hard she was grasping the tablecloth. She felt something grab her thigh and turned to see Noel’s eyes about to bug out of his head. She couldn’t look at him for too long because she had entirely fixated on trying to figure out just what the fuck this thing was. She’d studied up on her Pokemon species, she was sure she knew a lot of them, and she was even more sure she’d have studied something about a giant leech Pokemon. A giant leech Pokemon that apparently...had something to do with trainers' blood?
She was so confused that she barely registered the thunderous cheering that had erupted around her. Everyone at her table...hell, everyone at every table seemed to be up on their feet, cheering for this...thing.
Out of morbid curiosity, she looked over at Clovis. She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or even more confused to find that he had not moved. The joking smirk he’d had on while they were bantering over their water was replaced by a blatantly unamused frown.
“Odette, what the hell is that?” Noel said, causing Odette to turn her attention toward him. He had to lean over and speak directly into her ear to talk clearly over the cheers.
“What the hell?” Freddy said.
“I--” she said, shaking her head. “I don’t even--”
She couldn’t form the words before Mr. Patenaude opened his own ball. In a similar show of nicking his thumb and opening the ball, another Pokemon took form. A grotesque fish. Or at least, it seemed like a fish. It had fins and beady fish eyes, but it also had a mouth full of horrifically sharp teeth, and it was far bigger than a fish needed to be. Maybe slightly smaller than a copperajah. Slightly.
A black goopy substance dripped from between its teeth and reeked of rotting meat. That somehow wasn’t even the most strikingly odd part of it, though. What stood out the most was the single antennae hanging from its head. It dangled in front of its face and ended in a bright red bulb. The bulb emitted an orb of light that surrounded the Pokemon entirely.
“Lophious, we fight!” Mr. Patenaude hollered through the cheers. “Scald!”
The red glow around lophious intensified, and the goo in its mouth began to illuminate as well. It brightened until it began to smoke up. That rotting stench filled the room, causing everyone to cover their noses. It then spat the goo at the other Pokemon, causing it to cry out in a way that Odette had never heard a Pokemon scream before.
It was unnatural. She’d even go as far as to call it demonic.
“Don’t take that, Hiruition! Bite down hard!” Mrs. Patenaude hollered.
The leech regained itself from the attack and wasted no time flying forward. It moved with such frightening speed and accuracy that Odette felt nervous just sitting there on the sidelines. Its proboscis opened, revealing a rounded pattern of teeth, which sunk into the middle of the fish Pokemon’s head. It screamed and thrashed with a level of aggression that would normally cause a battle to be officially halted, but the emcee didn’t call anything. It just went on like it was supposed to be normal.
At some point, the Pokemon were just allowed to go at it. Biting, hitting, and strangling each other. The couple would call out moves every now and then that Odette recognized, but it seemed they were mostly set on letting those two things rip each other apart. She was barely paying attention at that point because she was still racking her brain for an explanation.
Hiruition...lophious, she repeated in her head over and over again, hoping it would somehow uncover any bit of knowledge she might have buried over the years. When nothing came up, she just grew more frustrated. It didn’t help that the cacophony of roars from the giant Pokemon and the onlookers, not to mention the terrible stench of sulfur, were doing a fantastic job of further clouding her judgment.
Though, she wasn’t sure what actual judgment there was to cloud. She’d never seen or heard of any of those Pokemon.
She numbly watched the two alien things exchange hit after hit. Normally, she ate battles up, looking for things to nitpick, praise, and perhaps compare to her own tactics. But, she could do none of that here. She could only watch in wide-eyed shock.
“Hydro Pump!” Mr. Patenaude demanded. Lophious geared up before spitting a beam of high-pressure water at hiruition.
“Evade it, then Tackle!” Mrs. Patenaude said. Hiruition effortlessly looped around the beam before whipping its tail at lophious, sending it flying toward the ground. The crowd's cheers intensified when Lophious failed to get back up, and the red light faded from around it.
“Lophious is down and unable to fight!” The emcee bellowed over her microphone. “The winner is Mrs. Patenaude and her hiruition!”
Mrs. Patenaude basked in her victory as she and her husband withdrew their Pokemon. They met again in the middle of the battlefield and embraced, smiling and laughing. Like this was a normal thing for them. They locked hands and waved to the onlookers before striding back to their table.
“And that concludes tonight's exhibition. We do hope you had a wonderful time. Please, enjoy the rest of your dinner, and try not to mind the smell too much!” The emcee said. A final round of cheers carried through the room before slowly but surely dying back down as waiters fanned out around the room, carrying trays upon trays of the entrees. Meanwhile, some pidgeots flew down from doors in the ceiling and began to fan the battle fumes out the windows, which opened automatically for them.
Even as her spread of rich-looking lobster tail and vegetables was set in front of her, Odette couldn’t bring herself to attempt to eat. She’d entirely lost her appetite. Nothing in her brain could help her make sense of what she just saw, so she zoned in on the conversation happening around her.
“A hiruition? How lucky!”
“Do you think they could produce another if they tried hard enough? I bet the malamar could hold it.”
“So strong, I hope to coax one out of my own.”
What the fuck were they talking about?
She was clearly an odd one out here; they were all talking like they’d practically expected this to happen. Her gaze traveled to Dorien, where he was engaged in seemingly deep thought with the person sitting next to him. She could barely hear him, so she looked back to Clovis, who was staring at his watch now.
“Clovis, what--” she started to ask.
“Bullshit, that’s what,” he grumbled, almost too low for her to hear. Nonetheless, Odette could pick up the raw anger that coated the words. She didn’t notice Noel was listening in until he leaned over her to get closer.
“What do you mean?” he asked, almost too frantically. “What are they talking about?”
Clovis exhaled a hard breath and threw his napkin on the table. He stood up and pushed his chair in before leaning down toward them. He got so close Odette thought their noses would touch, and she jerked backward out of habit. He spoke quietly as if he were trying to ensure she was the only one who could hear him. The look in his eyes was deadly serious, and it made her blood run cold.
“A word of advice: walk out of here while you still can. What you just saw was a disgusting show of greed that you’d be better off not getting involved in. ”
With that, his expression smoothed. A beaming grin curved over his lips, a convincing one that caused his now-shining eyes to crinkle up ever so slightly. A stark contrast from that dead, hard stare that was on her not even seconds before. It was a little unnerving just how good he was at switching himself off and on like that, but Odette's brain was too busy reeling to really dwell on it.
Clovis cleared his throat, alerting everyone's attention. “Well, friends, it was fantastic fraternizing with you all, but I have an early meeting tomorrow, and it’s already—“
He reached into his coat pocket, then frowned as his eyes fell to the phone, still submerged in the vase.
"Om phone? Om oommm," Powdered Sugar said.
"I see that,” he huffed. He then leaned over and started trying to dig the device out.
“Aw, come on! Leaving so soon?” Dorien whined.
“Duty calls, and you smell bad,” Clovis replied as he freed the phone from its aquatic trap. He shook it off, his face crinkling in annoyance as he did, before shoving back into its apparent main home in his pocket.
"Ha, ha, so funny," Dorien said flatly. "You have a good night then, LeClair."
Clovis offered another bright grin, then waved. "Back at you, Bonhomme. Good evening, all."
“Goodnight, friends!” Powdered Sugar said in unison.
He then turned and made way for the exit. Odette watched him go, numbly taking note of the moderately rushed skip in his step.
She blinked rapidly, trying to tame her buzzing brain. She then exchanged looks with Noel. His mouth was also slightly agape, as usual, when he found himself at a loss for words.
What the fuck?
Her eyes traveled to Noel’s dinner, and she noticed he hadn’t touched his food either. Looking down at the table, Isaur and Freddy's meals also remained untouched. It was good to see they were all on the same page here.
“Disgusting show of greed that we’re better off not getting involved with,” she repeated in a whisper.
“How do—“ Noel slowly started to speak, but he cut himself off and turned his head away. No sooner had that happened, Odette felt a presence sink itself into the spot where Clovis had been sitting and turned to see Dorien’s gross grinning face.
“So, what’d you think?” he asked.
“I'm...impressed?" She didn't mean for it to come out as a question, and she silently cursed herself for it.
He grinned as he put his arm around her shoulders and leaned into her. “Have you ever seen Pokemon like that before?”
Part of her wanted to say yes to get around the condescending explanation that was about to come her way. But she couldn’t do that. Maybe Dorien would prove to be useful and give her something she could dwell on instead of an eerie warning.
“No,” she said sweetly. “What were they? They were kinda scary looking.”
He answered by placing some pecks on her cheek. "Not to worry, gorgeous. I'd have protected you if they got too close."
Get over yourself, she wanted to say.
He thumbed her cheek in the same spot he'd just kissed, his eyes flicking from hers to her lips. She wanted so desperately to push him away. She could if she wanted to, but not if she wanted answers.
Control. You have it.
“I can’t really get into specifics right now because you’re new here,” he said. “But you should know there’s more where that came from.”
This caused her eyes widened a smidge. “There’s more of those things?”
“As I said, no specifics. Just trust that I can get my hands on some very powerful ‘mons for you. That is if you stick around and see how it all works,” he explained. “Plus, I can always put in a good word for my date.”
"You would do that for me?" She fluttered her eyelashes for good measure. She needed to sell the doe-eyed bimbo look here. "I'm not rich, though. I don't think I can afford--"
"Shh, shh, shh," Dorien hushed, pulling back and taking both of her hands in his. He brought them to his mouth and began to kiss her knuckles. "None of that. You don't need to worry about any of that. Besides, you have a shiny, which is the hardest part." With that, he smiled lovingly. "You keep in mind that I would do absolutely anything for you, okay? Trust the process."
A chill ran up her back, and she made herself giggle shyly. "Okay, Dory. If you say so."
She’d come here hoping to find some answers and instead ended up with way more than she bargained for. Trust the process? Those Pokemon?
Something smelled rotten, and it wasn’t the lingering stench from the battle.
Ch1 felt Pokemon-style dramatic and silly, but the addition of the grunts being literally eaten tilted it into melodrama for me. Gulattive's ~dialogue~ also comes off more quirky and cutesy than actually threatening. More madcap than serious, but your prose seems to take it too seriously to be camp horror.
All the users started to call the drug “sacrilege.” Soon, they were also starting to claim they were getting it from a group called Team Enigma. But, all attempts to uncover the group so far had been unsuccessful. So much so, that it was hard to believe Team Enigma was even real.
The whole ordeal was absolutely mind-boggling to her.
