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Hi! Here for catnip. I read the prologue and chapter 1.
The prologue kicks things off on a pretty heavy note. Got to give you props for an idea as unique as the blood legendary thing. I assume that the mysterious child Florence had is Odette. If that's true, it makes me wonder how much Florence and Armel's situations have changed since this scene, given it looks to have happened something like 20 years before chapter 1.
Chapter 1 felt a little lacking in action - certainly compared to the explosive prologue. Still, it was short enough for that to not be much of a problem, and it effectively introduces who I assume will be three of the story's main characters.
The characterisations of Odette and Acadia seemed fine enough. Noel however seems to be the stereotype of a camp, gay guy. I hope there's more to his character than that, because I wasn't too impressed by this introduction.
Unfortunately human-focused stories aren't really my thing. Nevertheless, from what I read here I think there's plenty of potential in your settings and ideas. So good luck moving forward!
This use of ~ in place of periods for Gulattive's dialogue felt a little... distracting. I'm not sure why it's necessary, either - its dialogue is already italisiced, marking it out from everyone else.
Although he had awoken with a cleaned memory slate, he supposed, if he were to avoid the same fate as those grunts, he had to be of some use. This proved difficult when he woke up every morning forgetting the previous day, but he kept his journal on him at all times for that exact reason. It served as what was left of his memory bank.
Hmm. This wasn't really explained in the chapter - how does Armel function at all if he wakes up every day with no memory? He must have some base level of memories, like who he is, who his father is and such, otherwise I imagine every day would be spent fumbling around, trying to learn everything he can only to then forget it all again.
“Oh, no, you read me wrong,” she insisted when she pulled the bottle away from her lips. “I’d argue magical types are the best at everything, but that’s simply me being biased from watching my mum research them for 22 years,” she said.
You don't need to add a 'she said' at the end when we already know, from this speech being part of the same paragraph as the previous dialogue tag, who is talking. There were a few instances of this in chapter 1.
“You wouldn’t need to, people would flock to see a shiny Pokemon do anything,” another dancer said jokingly, prompting some agreeing chatter.
Odette rolled her eyes. “Sure, but we’re discussing types, right?” She shrugged her shoulders as she picked up the sports drink that was sat next to her foot. “I can’t give an adequate answer, they’re all good at something.”
I think you could have utilised curses better in this chapter. The only times they appeared was in Odette's thoughts, none in actual dialogue, which seems a bit odd for starters. Then there's the fact that this is a fairly mundane situation - Odette just doesn't want to talk about her strange behaviours. Does that really warrant four separate F-bombs?
As fate keeps pushing us together, I have read the first chapter for Catnip and these are my thoughts.
We definitely move away from the tone of the prologue in this chapter, getting something much slower and grass-roots than evil lairs and monster kills. I'm a fan of that as it lets us take in the character of Odette little by little and pick up on the nuances that gradually unravel a hint of something traumatic having happened in the past, but I do have to point out that it felt a bit numbing to mainly have people only sit/stand around and talk. The conversation about performing Pokémon in the beginning gave some color to get us going, but it feels like there's little to visualize in the rest of the chapter.
As the focus is on Odette's internal state, I get that exterior happenings won't be that important, but there are ways to make introspection more visual or vibrant, for example with distinct memories or imagined scenarios. The trauma is meant to be vague at this point, so I don't want you to spill the beans on that, but for example the description of Odette's friendship to Acacia could have some fun memory attached to it or a subtle mannerism of hers that Odette's picked up on. I did find myself wondering why Acacia and Noel were friends with Odette with how much of a wet blanket she's being. I'm guessing that she wasn't always this way and got like this due to her trauma(s), but I would've still liked to see something that Odette offers to her friends - other than a target of roasts, that is. It would also help the reader sympathize more with Odette, as here she's mainly just complaining about things and it's usually not much of a draw for a person. It's realistic, sure, but a story's still a story and readers are still readers.
She reached over to her barely eaten berry salad and withdrew a single Nanab berry. She held it up in front of Enora, causing her face to light up.
“Why didn’t you say something, dumbass?” Odette said with a small grin. Enora wasted no time in gobbling it down, before laying down on her side in newfound contentment.
I am pleased to see the shininess addressed soon after its introduction. While it doesn't explain how she has a shiny, just having it be pointed out as kind of a mundane detail helps decouple it from the "MC has a shiny mon because they are just that special and awesome" trope.
“Oh, no, you read me wrong,” she insisted when she pulled the bottle away from her lips. “I’d argue magical types are the best at everything, but that’s simply me being biased from watching my mum research them for 22 years,” she said. “I can’t say much for elemental types, so I’m defaulting based on what I see in trainer school.”
She had long grown used to jokes about her height, especially from Noel. She found it funny herself that she’d never grown past 5’0, and took the jabs with a stride, even if she wasn’t ready for them.
Looking through the reviews, it seems no one else has brought up The Complaint in this thread, so it is my duty to express it. There are quite a few people to whom the replacement of God with Arceus is phrases is a pet peeve, and they've recruited me to their ranks as well. The thing is that in canon Arceus is mentioned only a couple of times and seems to be utterly absent outside Sinnoh, so its prevalence in phrases like this seems less like actual worldbuilding and more "how can I say 'Oh my God' without referencing the Christian God... oh, Arceus is similar to God, I'll go with that". But for Arceus to be part of phrases like these, his worship would basically have to be the majority religion, which would then also show in different areas of culture. An example would be having churches / places of worship around, but usually details like these are completely absent in the "oh my Arceus" stories.
Of course it's possible that you do have an established practice of Arceism in your world, in which case this isn't a problem, but I do want to point out that this is a thought that does come to a lot of readers as a knee-jerk reaction.
see because i don't have any hint as to what she means by this i just have to assume that she pees a lot
---
In summary, this is an intriguing, well-crafted first chapter, if a bit claustrophobic. Your talents as a writer come through much more strongly in this than the prologue to me. Personally, it's still not my cup of tea, but I'll gladly read and review more of this story if Catnip brings me to it again.
Yo I was SO EXCITED to see that I rolled you for Catnip! It was the perfect excuse for me to set aside time to read this fic, as I’ve been meaning to for some time!
And wow, I didn’t know what to expect with this story, but even then, it was totally different from what I thought it might be! This is not your regular Pokémon fic—which I LOVE. Give me all that diverse content!!
So without further ado, let’s get into some line-by-lines:
Oooh, what a good opener. With the first sentence, I know something’s up and I’m intrigued. Also, Mystic Milotic is a FABULOUS name for a ship, haha. And upon learning about Florent’s character, it seems fitting for him. Fancy and pompous and self-important, LOL.
“You say that, and yet...why is it that my most powerful Blood Legendary has gone missing while you were the ones on duty?” he asked sternly. Like a teacher questioning misbehaving students.
The silence that filled the room proved to be more deafening than the alarm that still sounded over them. The fear wafting off of the grunts thickened the air of the room and caused a smirk to tilt Florent’s lips.
OH WHAT A GOOD SENTENCE. Really drives home that whole “eerily silent, calm before the storm” vibe. And so far, I am LOVING Florent’s villainous vibe. I really really dig the cool and collected villains, they’re far more unsettling and scary than the ones that just fly into a rage and scream all the time. With villains like this, if they ever do shout, you know it’s REAL.
A slit tore open in the Pokemon’s stomach, revealing rows upon rows of serrated and saliva-coated coated pincers. A pointed tongue, one that looked to be far too long to fit in its body, licked the pincers before curling outward into the open. The Pokemon emitted a threatening growl, before lunging at the grunts. All that could be heard was a set of high pitched squeals, followed by the sickening sound of their bones crunching, and the squelch of their flesh being bitten into. It took Gulattive no time at all to swallow down all of them.
Ok so at first I was thinking, “Darkrai??” But then the whole stomach slit thing happened which made me think of Dusknoir. BUT at this point it sure sounds like it’s an entirely new Pokémon that you created for this story, and boy does it sound terrifying, yikes.
As his father conversed with Gulattive, Armel was wracking his brain for ideas on what he should do. Although he had awoken with a cleaned memory slate, he supposed, if he were to avoid the same fate as those grunts, he had to be of some use. This proved difficult when he woke up every morning forgetting the previous day, but he kept his journal on him at all times for that exact reason. It served as what was left of his memory bank.
“Th-the Galar-rian woman…?” Armel stammered quietly. He gulped, and took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. Trying to get the image of Gulattive eating four people whole out of his head.
Recalling the timeline of his brief relationship with her caused him to wonder: did she leave him behind because she’d gotten pregnant? He had to wonder if she even knew at that point. If she did, it only gave him one more reason to want to feed her to Gulattive too.
OHHHH OMG OMG OMG I THINK I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING AAAAA
[/]
Wow, what a prologue! And I have SO MANY QUESTIONS AINFNRKWIBTKWOHR
You’ve created such an interesting setup here! I love fics that make me go “wtf is happening” in the first few chapters because then I’m hooked because I NEED ANSWERS, haha. Really excellent job, I already have a solid grasp of Armel and Florent’s characters and their personalities. Your prose is really excellent, too! This is really, really good and promising stuff, Sind!
Gonna leave off here for now because I have several things to get done today (haha rip), BUT you can bet that I will be back for more!!
Seems interesting so far. I'm curious to see where this goes.
So far I'm most drawn to the kid, Armel. I got the impression that he may be kept under lock and key because he could end up more powerful than his father, even with his issues, should he ever fully come into the power of his bonded legendary. And since he only appears in the prologue and will be around 30 when we see him next, I look forward to it. Though given his memory loss being tied to when he sleeps, I wonder if he's bonded to Sloth or what.
For some reason I'm getting a strong image of Florent as being tall and thin with white hair and shiny black boots. I don't think there was a physical description of him so it's funny.
But...that brings me to an issue. You establish that Odette's surname is Cinq-Mars and that just makes me imagine Commander Mars in her place. I know it's in her surname rather than a given name but giving a character the same name as a canon one can backfire. I get it's likely meant to represent how she's bonded to what I assume is going to be the embodiment of wrath, though.
Overall I like the smooth worldbuilding through building up little details. Though...you mention Broadway but change "Tony" to "Tonio"? That seems an odd change to make, especially when you keep the other name.
Chapter 3: A Bad, Bad Run-In Special thanks to @kintsugi for beta reading this for me!
CW: Strong Language, Talk of Pokemon Death
Odette’s forehead hovered centimeters over the floor as she pointed her toes. She exhaled deeply, feeling the effects of her straddle wash over her. The knot in her lower back began to loosen, and her glutes began to scream a little. In a good way, of course. There was no better way to start a busy day than with a solid stretch.
A loud sizzling noise rang from the kitchen, and Odette pushed herself upright, keeping her legs straddled. The smell of vegetable omelets started to waft through the apartment, and she felt her stomach rumble. Instinctively, her hand travelled to rest on it.
“Smells good, Sol,” she said. "You really didn't need to cook today, though. I was planning to stop at the food court before class."
“Nonsense; Nana showed me a new recipe the other day, and I'm eager to see what I can do with it,” Solene replied sweetly. She was always looking for an excuse to use the stove, so Odette supposed she couldn't blame her.
From her spot on the floor, perpendicular to the coffee table, Odette turned and eyed Isaur as she slowly flipped through the TV channels. She was using the arrow buttons on the TV set itself, and she’d been at it for almost five minutes.
“Just put on the news and be done with it, goddamn,” Odette said. She thought for a moment. “And where’s the stupid remote?”
A hiss rang from behind her, somewhere near the table. She heard something slide across the floor, and it struck the back of her leg. She shot a look at it, only to see it was the missing remote. She narrowed her eyes before looking over her shoulder. Loïc was sitting under one of the chairs, staring back innocently.
“Very funny,” she said.
“Yes,” Loïc replied.
Odette picked it up and typed in the number for the news channel. The screen flipped to it, prompting annoying grumbles to rise from Isaur. The familiar jingle played over the speakers as she hovered over to the couch, and plopped herself down between Ange and Enora. Ange was blinking drowsily, still trying to wake up, while Enora took to idly grooming herself.
“There, was that so hard?” Odette asked.
“Always. There's never anything good on at this time,” Isaur said defiantly.
"All the more reason why you should save your energy,” Odette said. She sat the remote on the coffee table, next to her idle phone, before lowering her chest back to the floor. She exhaled, concentrating on her stretch while partially tuning in to the sound of the TV.
“We are still receiving updates regarding the gruesome discovery made early this morning. The Lumiose PD received a tip late last night and made the bust early this morning,” the reporter said. “According to the reports we have so far, ten trainers and their Pokemon partners were found dead at the Pangoro Packing Storage Facility on Crabhammer Road. LCPD Police Chief Bernard Cinq-Mars has been on the scene with detectives securing the area."
Odette’s head snapped up at the sound of her grandfather’s name.
Sure enough, his familiar face popped into view: short, well-kept salt-and-pepper hair and a neatly trimmed matching beard framed a pair of tired, somber-looking brown eyes. Despite that, he held himself confidently and spoke with an air of determination that could only be found in somebody as passionate in their job as he was.
“We’re still in the process of investigating what's happened here, but...it's not looking good right now,” he said.
“Can you confirm that this is another case of a sacrilege overdose?” asked the reporter behind the camera.
Bernard’s face fell ever so slightly as he contemplated the question. He soon shrugged. “We'll have to see what the toxicology reports come back with, but I'd say it's more than likely,” he replied grimly.
There was a cut back to the reporter, who continued rambling through her report. However, Odette heard none of it, and her head had begun to buzz: first, with relief that her grandpa hadn’t been hurt and still seemed in good spirits. And then, with some concern: she’d scrolled through her news app for fifteen minutes yesterday on her lunch break and only found the one repetitive OD story. Now, there was a new one. Well, at least ten, more specifically.
She began to scratch her cheek apprehensively. “I should probably call--”
The words had barely left her before her phone began to ring from the coffee table. It morphed into its Rotom Mode and floated up to her face.
"Bzzzzzzzt, an incoming call from Marieanne Cinq-Mars! Bzzzzt!” it said.
She grabbed it hastily. “Thanks,” she said, then answered as she wriggled out of her straddle.
“Are you watching the news?” Marieanne gasped on the other end.
Odette blinked rapidly but couldn’t help the slight smile that began to form. “Good morning to you too, Nana,” she greeted hesitantly.
Marieanne laughed. “Oh, silly me. Good morning, little Swanna,” she said. "Now, are you watching the news?”
Odette usually preferred keeping her discussions of sacrilege issues between her and Noel, but she could stand to humor her grandma for a few minutes before she headed off to school. She eyed the clock hanging just above the balcony door and found they weren't due to leave for another thirty minutes. She had time.
“I was. I was getting ready to call you myself,” Odette said, standing up and wandering over to the couch. "Might actually go see Grandpa after class after seeing that, honestly."
***
It was colder today. It didn’t help that another round of thunderheads had come out to play. Odette had barely made it inside the building of the Santalune Pokemon Academy before the downpour started. Now, sitting in the lecture hall for Mr. Songmin’s Battle Tactics class, she could hear the rain pounding on the building outside. Thunderclaps would shake the classroom every now and then.
On most days, she was a very attentive student, especially in this class. Mr. Songmin was one of those young teachers who prided themselves on being on good terms with their students. He always put effort into making sure his lectures--no matter how boring the subject matter-- were at least moderately entertaining, so the moldable minds in his presence would be more open to listening. Odette particularly enjoyed his enthusiasm. She also loved how his Kantonian accent shone through his Kalosian words once in a while. She found it charming.
However, today her mind buzzed with thoughts of the morning news. No matter how much she tried to shake it off, it was like her brain had magnetized to thinking about it. She had to resist the urge to pull her phone out and see if there were any updates. But she doubted it would be that simple, making her eager to delve more into it.
It's absurd, she kept telling herself. From talking to Bernard about all the cases he’d worked on, she knew it wasn't abnormal for drug epidemics to cause deaths. But at the rate they were happening with this sacrilege stuff, it was starting to feel like they were dealing with something much more intense. Were groups of people found dead in strange places while overdosing on opioids? Or meth? Or anything else, really? What was Team Enigma even trying to accomplish with this sort of thing? Wiping out a whole socioeconomic class, maybe? And why was it so targeted at shiny Pokemon, anyway? She'd need to have Noel look into the file notes when--
“Cinq-Mars, I didn’t know the lecture was on the ceiling.”
She hadn’t realized that she had leaned back against her chair and was staring into space. She slowly sat up.
“I don’t have to be looking at you to be listening, Songmin,” she replied easily, hoping to play off her inattentiveness.
Mr. Songmin smiled broadly as the class collectively chuckled. He sauntered over to his desk, which was stationed right in the middle of the lecture hall. He then sat down on it, crossing his legs and folding his hands politely in his lap. “Mm, then tell me,” he said. “You have a froslass partner, correct? Isaur? What are froslass known for in competitive battling?”
“Their speed,” Odette answered.
“So how would you tactfully use Isaur's speed in a battle scenario? Say, you’re up one, but the partner you currently have out is struggling.”
She folded her hands on her desk in a somewhat mocking fashion. She started to tap her fingers on her knuckles as her mind began to run with adequate answers.
“I’d switch into her in a case of out-speeding. I’d swap her in while the opposing Pokemon was distracted because of whoever was in before or charging up.”
Mr. Songmin nodded along slowly. He didn’t say anything for a short moment. “Fair, but what if the opposing Pokemon again out-speeds her? Froslass most certainly aren’t the fastest competitive Pokemon, and surely there are ways for your foe to knock her out in one hit?”
Odette pushed her glasses up on her nose. “Isaur’s been training with a Focus Sash since she was a snorunt. She can take a powerful hit,” she said. “In which case, she uses Destiny Bond. Now my foe is stuck between switching out themselves or losing another Pokemon and being down two.”
He pursed his lips and nodded slowly. “Good answer. I’ll pretend I didn’t catch you daydreaming,” he said playfully before standing up again. He returned to the whiteboard and launched into something else about using Pokemon stats to one’s advantage. Odette exhaled quietly. She could shake off zoning out in lectures like this, but she’d have to be on her A-game in battle class.
That class came to an end without much other incident. At the very least, Odette could say she now knew that a pachirisu could be a good staller. If she ever decided she wanted to deal with the pain of electric types, she’d have to remember that.
The giant class filed into the hall, where some other older students loitered. As Odette exited, she was cut off by two youngsters, their raticate friends in tow, as they bolted back to their classroom from gods knew where. She sometimes forgot that kids as young as five also attended the academy with bright-eyed partners. The advanced classes were normally held in a building separate from the young kids, and Odette’s classes had primarily older students. But it wasn’t uncommon for some Pokemon prodigies to end up in them. Hell, she had two eleven-year-olds in her advanced monotype class. It was quite jarring to feel like she was back on a university campus, only to find herself sitting next to a primary school-aged kid on some occasion.
She scoffed at the thought, then withdrew her phone to check the time. 12:34, eleven minutes to battle class. She might have had time to get something to eat from the cafeteria before getting her team from their HM class, but her will to eat had faded when she remembered today was an exhibition day.
Every Friday, her battle teacher would randomly select two students to go head-to-head for an exhibition 3v3 match while the other students took notes on what they did right and wrong. The winner would receive extra credit. They were a month into the semester, and she hadn’t been called on yet. Each Friday that passed, she was sure she was getting closer and closer to having to pit her skills against one of her talented classmates while the others looked on.
It caused a hole to open in her stomach every time she thought about it.
It was so invigorating to witness other people go at it, taking in their expressions as they struggled side by side with their partners, hoping to come out victorious. She was usually okay battling it out in her smaller classes, but...in Mrs. Chuquet’s class of thirty-five students, that proved to be a little more daunting.
She rolled her shoulders. She wasn’t sure what was making her stomach hurt the most. The thought of losing or the thought of battling in front of such a large group.
“RotomPhone, any updates on the latest sacrilege OD?” she asked her phone as she turned and started walking for the battle gym. Her screen displayed a loading screen before Rotom’s frowning face popped up again.
“Bzzzzzt! Nope, nothing! Bzzzzt!” it said. "It's only been a couple of hours since the last, so I doubt anything would come out so quickly."
Her frown deepened, and she sighed.
“I know, but I can still--”
"Bzzzt, watch out!"
Suddenly, her shoulder made contact with somebody’s arm. Somebody’s buff arm. The person she’d bumped into was at least a foot taller than her and was moving quite fast, so they sent her stumbling back. She would have very much fallen on her butt had they not reeled around and caught her by her arm.
“Whoa!” he yelped as he grabbed her. He pulled her up to stand, slipping an arm around her back in a protective manner. “I am so sorry,” he sputtered once Odette was still.
She stood stiff, staring straight ahead and blinking as she tried to swallow the bout of rage that had shot up through her back. “Why don’t you watch where you’re--” she began as she tilted her head up to peer at the guy. Her gaze caught on a set of handsome green eyes, downturned with concern. A pair of expensive-looking Praltz sunglasses sat on his head, the same ones this guy used to wear daily to school.
The familiarity of his face caused her rage to subside tremendously.
“Dorien?" she asked, cocking her head to the side.
His smile grew more excited with each passing second. "No way,” he gasped.
He released his grip on her and took a step back. “Odette, holy hell,” he exclaimed. “I knew I recognized those braids. You look fantastic, my god." He laughed to himself. "How long has it been?"
Odette adjusted her glasses, taking a beat to look him over. Everything about him looked expensive. She was so used to seeing him in their assigned secondary school uniform that she forgot he had the money to spend on such high-end outfits. The prestigious logos embedded into his clothes seemed to shine like the diamonds they were probably worth. Praltz, Louis Vibrava, Roll-X...
“I…” she stammered. “Yeah,” she finished. "I think...it's been, like, five years since we graduated, yeah?"
Dorien exhaled sharply as he pushed his hair back, minding the sunglasses. “Man, I hate the passage of time. Rodin's chem class feels like yesterday."
She nodded along. "It does. Best partners in that class."
He beamed at her, and it caused some heat to travel up to her cheeks.
"You know it," he agreed.
That was certainly true; the two of them never got anything less than A’s on their projects together. Where she sucked at math, she made up for it with her fantastic presentation and PowerPoint-making skills. His strong suit was the numbers and wooing the teachers with his gene-instilled charm.
She remembered how stoked she was to have him as a lab partner. He was easily one of the best-looking straight guys at Lansat Preparatory Academy, and she wasn't the only student who thought that. But she was the lucky one. Seeing each other in chemistry every day and having to do so many projects together allowed them to get rather...close.
They were almost a thing. Or, perhaps, kind of a thing. She'd been so caught up in her musical theatre studies that having a boyfriend had never crossed her mind. She felt like she didn't have the time or energy. At least until she met him.
Why didn't we ever become official? she thought to herself. Now that she was thinking about it, it was strange. They just...stopped hanging out for some odd reason that she couldn't quite recall.
Suddenly, she felt a little bad. He was a package; what the hell had she been thinking about letting it go?
The warmth was spreading over her nose and was only growing more intense. It startled her, but she figured that not acknowledging it would cause it to fade faster. Scratching at her cheek awkwardly, she decided to ask the age-old question.
“What are you doing here?”
Dorien raised his shoulder gleefully, then flashed a piece of paper that depicted a class schedule. “Late enrollment, believe it or not. I start today. I kind of hit a rough spot in my training and decided I needed divine intervention,” he added dramatically. “I’ll admit, I was kind of worried at first, but I’m so glad to have a really familiar face here.”
A smile began to curl her own lips. “I guess you were jogging because you’re late?”
He exhaled sharply and peered at the slip of paper. “No, actually. Well, not yet. If I can’t find the room, I will be,” he said. He handed the paper to her. "Help?”
She leaned over to examine it, roving her finger over the 12:30 time slot.
Battle Performance - Building A Gym - Tania Chuquete
She blinked in surprise. “Oh, lucky you,” she said. “We’re in the same class.”
Dorien’s face lit up, brighter than it already was. “Lucky me for sure,” he said eagerly. Almost too eagerly. He was always easily excitable, but she didn’t remember it being this excessive. She raised her brow dubiously.
He must have seen her expression change because he rubbed the side of his neck bashfully. “Sorry, like I said. Excited that you're here.” He flinched suddenly and rushed to correct himself. "That I know somebody, I mean."
More heat. A cutiefly hatched in her stomach and tried its hand at flying.
Odette shook her head abruptly, deciding to brush the feeling off. “No, don’t worry about it. I am, too,” she said. “I’m headed there anyway, so you can follow me. My team will meet us there.”
“Sure thing. Lead the way, then.”
She walked ahead, figuring it was best to keep up with the small talk. Asking how he’d been, how he was faring the weather, small stuff. He had no issue talking her ear off. Frankly, she didn’t mind. She’d rather ask him about himself than vice versa, lest she end up in that bad place again.
“What kind of team do you have together?” she inquired as they rounded a corner, maneuvering through a crowd of loitering teenagers.
“Well, I have a thing for steel and fighting types, surely,” he said. “But, I’m trying to keep my group well-rounded, you know? Counters for everything.”
She pursed her lips. “That’s always smart,” she said. And so baseline, she thought.
“That being said, I’ve got my partners Ferrothorn, Togedemaru, Corviknight, Pangoro, Toxicroak, and Bewear,” he listed, raising a finger with each passing name. “I tend to swap between them because I also have Excadrill, Poliwrath, and Conkeldurr.”
Odette nodded. All primary and secondary fighting and steel types. An interesting combination. If and when she ended up in a battle with him, she’d have to watch out. Those steel moves would send Enora, Loïc, and Isaur to the emergency room at a Poke Center if she weren’t careful. But, she could solidly counter those fighting types...
“What about you? I know you always had a neat team--gothorita, lampent, snorunt...and a...shiny eevee, right?”
“Oh,” she said. “They're still around. Well, they’ve evolved since then. Gothitelle, chandelure, froslass, and sylveon. I also recently had a mimikyu join as well. And, of course, RotomPhone here, but he's not a battler. Just on rehab from an injury, so he's helping me function from inside my phone for a bit."
"Bzzzzzt, howdy!" RotomPhone greeted, waving one of his jagged arms.
Dorien nodded in approval, then began to scratch his chin as a thought seemingly occurred to him. "Pleasure to meet you," he said. "But, no battling sixth?”
“I’m having a hard time finding someone who’d fit into my team dynamic,” she said quietly like she was embarrassed about it. “Loïc...” she paused. “I mean my mimikyu friend,” she corrected. “Was a fluke as it is. My maman kind of saddled him on me, but he’s...made himself at home. Pain in my ass, but he makes things very lively."
“Well, I was going to say,” he chuckled, “a shiny sylveon would bring in enough money to last you a lifetime if you sold it at an auction. But, maybe not the best idea if you’re only running five.”
Odette’s eyes went wide. What an absolutely audacious thing to say. She heard RotomPhone buzz in alarm next to her.
“Excuse me?” she said. A mix of intense anger and an undying urge to laugh stirred in her chest. She started to let some of those laughs go, but she stopped when she remembered how Dorien's family, the Bonhommes, got their fortune.
Dorien came from a clan of shiny hunters, and they were active members of the shiny trade. Active proponents of keeping it alive, too.
Wait.
Now it made sense. That's why they'd stopped hanging out. A whisper of nostalgic horror filled her gut as she vaguely remembered how his familial occupation came to light. How she'd been blissfully unaware of his involvement until the end of the year.
Fucking seriously? she thought bitterly.
How the hell had she forgotten that so easily? She would have assumed something like that would have stuck with her for the rest of her damn life, yet...
Suddenly, her mind was racing again, this time with the thoughts of what Noel had found yesterday.
The wealthy, plus shinies...sounds like some shiny trade bullshit.
“It’s not the best idea, period,” she said. “I’m not somebody who's in favor of the trade. It should have been abolished years ago.”
She watched as Dorien rolled his eyes. It lit a fire in her stomach. “Come on, you sound like the rest of the world. You do know the rumors are fake, right? Pokemon in the trade want to be there.”
That time, she let her laughs out with no stops. She reached up her hand, signaling RotomPhone to go into standby mode. He reluctantly raced back into her hand, and she put the device in her pocket. “It’s almost like the rest of the world is right. Even if the rumors aren't true, there's no need to have a whole institution around it. That just makes it easier to cover up any abuse."
Dorien’s brow furrowed momentarily, but he smiled through it. “That's a little assumptive, but not surprising. If you want, we could go grab dinner later and I'll explain to you how it actually is."
“I don't think that's necessary, I'm pretty set in my opinion,” Odette said harshly.
“Well, then how about just dinner?” He added a smile that she assumed was supposed to be charming, but something about it rubbed her entirely the wrong way. She was getting ready to chew him out for his involvement in such a deplorable establishment, and he was grinning at her like she was flirting with him. Not that she could pull off flirting even if she wanted to, but that wasn’t the point.
“You're getting way ahead of yourself.”
He held his hand over his heart, turning his head away dramatically as if he were offended. “Oh, we're back to the hard-to-get act? You really like to toy with my emotions, don't you?"
She slowly sucked her teeth. The pleasantries of reconnecting with an old flame were fading very quickly. In fact, the sentiment was practically gone. All she wanted to do now was beam her water bottle at him. Perhaps she should have let her anger roll and decked him when he ran into her.
"You know me too well."
She had a much more nasty remark lined up, but they arrived at the gym before she could let it loose. She quickly decided that that was for the best. She certainly wasn’t one to shy away from confrontation, but she was focused on keeping herself in check for this class. She didn’t need to get so riled up over Dorien’s absolutely fucked views of the trade. At least, not now.
She pushed the heavy double doors open and was met with the sight of some of her classmates sitting on the bleachers. The gym itself wasn’t what a standard school gym would look like. No basketball hoops, no volleyball nets--just a practice battle arena. The walls and ceiling were even padded with protection against stray projectiles. The bleachers themselves also had a protective barrier that could be activated whenever a showdown was going to occur. Truly, no expense was spared by the academy.
“Huh. Seems standard,” Dorien commented. His voice had a posh inflection, which made Odette’s nerves prickle in disdain. Maybe getting a little riled up wouldn’t hurt.
“Must be nice to be so rich that ‘state of the art’ is just ‘standard’ to you,” she cracked, her tone wavering on the line between reserved and downright biting. He appeared oblivious to her less-than-friendly demeanor.
“I guess it just comes with the territory.”
“Are you sure you’re not just a spoiled brat?” she queried as they walked across the vast space. This prompted another chuckle, this one a little louder.
“Maybe?” he offered. That same attempt-at-charming smile made a comeback, and she began to wonder if he actually was in the mindset that this was flirting. That didn’t make any goddamn sense to her. Not that she was the flirting expert; quite the opposite, actually. But she wasn’t so emotionally unintelligent that she’d take rude banter as something in the same vein as courting. She somehow didn’t remember Dorien being so oblivious, but what did she know? She’d forgotten why she stopped liking him in the first place, so forgetting how he was as a person wasn’t entirely farfetched in comparison. People change in five years, don't they?
A couple of the students already sitting there sent friendly waves and soft “hey’s” toward her as she trekked up the bleacher stairs to her usual bench. Dorien sat next to her and leaned back against the seats behind him, folding his arms behind his head.
“So give me the rundown. How does it work here?” he asked.
Odette diverted her attention toward digging through her bag for her empty pokeballs, which she shoved into her jogger's pockets. “It’s a battle class,” she said. “You battle. I would think it’s pretty self-explanatory.”
He scoffed. “Yes, but what, no gimmick?” he said. She could hear the grin in his voice.
She inhaled deeply and slowly turned her head to face him. As expected, he was flashing his teeth at her. She couldn’t help but notice how perfectly straight they were.
“Every Friday, the professor picks two students to showcase a 3v3 battle,” she explained. “In case your servants didn’t remind you when you woke up this morning, today is Friday.”
The intended insult flew right over his head. He seemed to show more interest in the idea of the showcase battle, judging by how his eyes brightened. He turned onto his side, fully facing her, and rested his cheek on his palm. “Oh, that sounds fun,” he said slyly. “What are the chances I’ll get grabbed today?”
“I haven’t even been called. So I highly doubt it.” With that, she turned her head back toward her bag.
“Oh, so maybe you’ll go? And I get to watch you battle it out with your little fairy and ghost friends?”
She flinched. His voice had suddenly grown louder and...closer. As if it were right next to her ear.
With her brows scrunched and a deep frown on her face, she turned toward him again, only to find that he’d leaned in close to her. Too close to her. Her cheek was mere centimeters from brushing his nose as she turned her head. Green eyes were narrowed in an all-too-sultry fashion, and his toothy smile had shrunk down to a smirk.
Instinctively, she raised her hand and pressed her palm to his nose, forcing him backward and out of her personal space.
“You can watch me from back there,” she said, emphasizing her last word as she pulled her hand away. “I’m not a fan of people getting so close to me, thank you.”
She watched him tilt his head to the side, his expression growing sad. But it wasn’t any sort of sincere sadness. It was a mocking sadness. Like one somebody might give a farfetch’d for throwing a tantrum over their leek losing a leaf. A fire lit in her veins, and she grasped the strap of her backpack to refrain from backhanding him outright.
“What?” he said, feigning a pout. “Come on, I figured we were doing flame rekindling here.” He exhaled deeply and leaned back into the bench behind him again. “Not to be so forthright after only re-acquainting myself with you ten minutes ago, but I liked our thing. I was hoping to talk about revisiting it, if I may be so blunt."
Not on your goddamn life.
Her grip on her backpack tightened. She was sure the skin on her knuckles would tear open, but she didn’t care. If she let go, his pretty little nose was going to break.
Maliciously crafted words threatened to spew out, but the double doors opened again, and the remaining students, including Odette's Pokemon group, filed in with Mrs. Chuquete in tow. Mrs. Chuquete held her usual clipboard under her arm, and a baseball cap sat on her head of fluffy red hair.
Odette exhaled the shallow breath she was holding, almost feeling relieved that the start of class would save her from the absolute trainwreck of a conversation she was having. It would also save her from the probable expulsion that would come with absolutely pummeling a new student half to death.
“Huh, class starting?” Dorien commented like he was trying to fill the tense silence that had swelled between them.
Yeah, no shit, she wanted to yell. She bit her tongue instead, just in time for Solene, Enora, Isaur, Ange, and Loïc to join her on the bleachers. Solene was the first to notice Dorien, and she nudged Odette frantically upon recognizing his face.
"Hang on, is that--?" she whispered in shock.
Odette stiffly shook her head and waved her off. She wasn't in the mood to explain right now.
Breathe...keep it together.
“Alright, settle down, trainers, Pokemon,” Mrs. Chuquete called, silencing the low chatter. “I’d like to get this started quickly so we have plenty of time to discuss and practice ourselves. I know we also have a new student in here today, so this’ll be a good chance for him to see how we do things here.”
Dorien clicked his tongue in response to being acknowledged. It took everything in Odette not to growl at him.
Mrs. Chuquete lifted the front page on her clipboard to look at whatever was under it before dropping it again. “So I’ll keep this quick. First up on the chopping block, Odette Cinq-Mars.”
Odette’s heartbeat, which had already started to ring in her ears, picked up. She suddenly felt very glad she didn’t eat because she surely would have lost it at that point. Her skittish appetite did come in handy sometimes.
If she weren’t so angry, she probably would have had a harder time recalling her team to their balls and getting up to walk to the front of the bleachers. But she happily took it as a chance to get away from Dorien.
Mrs. Chuquete scanned her board for a moment before speaking again. “The slated opponent today was Muraoka Knowles, but she’s called in sick. So I'll give somebody a chance to volunteer before I move down the list.”
Odette’s foot had just hit the arena floor when Mrs. Chuquete spoke. She stopped dead in her tracks, taking the moment to inhale a deep breath. Her eyes slipped shut as a grimace took hold of her features.
For the love of fucking gods, she thought bitterly. She knew what was coming.
“I’ll go!” she heard Dorien’s voice say.
Odette had half a mind to grab somebody’s backpack and throw it clear across the room. She was trying so goddamn hard not to explode, and she couldn’t remember the last time it had been this difficult. Singing "Jellicle Songs" wouldn’t solve this dilemma.
“Oh, the new student is eager, huh?” Mrs. Chuquete queried, raising her brow. Odette didn’t move from her spot, as she was too busy trying, and failing, to blink the red out of her eyes. She only returned to her senses when she felt a hand fall on her right shoulder.
“Odette’s a friend of mine, so I’d never pass up a chance to battle her!” he said.
She jerked her shoulder away from his grasp and craned her neck to glare at him. The cocky smile he returned put her on the verge of an anger-induced heart attack if she wasn’t at that point already. She stomped forward, out to the middle of the arena, to configure which of her Pokemon she was going to send out for the battle. Something to keep her hands and brain busy for the time being.
“Fat chance,” she muttered to herself, shoving her hands into her pockets.
“Oh, friendly rivalry? I like that,” Mrs. Chuquete said. “Dorien, was it?”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said. “I’m really looking forward to this class, even if I did show up a little late in the quarter. Hopefully, you’ll be the divine intervention I’m looking for in my training journey.” The way his voice inflected upward in such a playful fashion made Odette roll her eyes. That’s how he used to talk to their chemistry teacher too. Did she find it as annoying back then as she did now? Probably not, because that suave-speak had a huge hand in their straight A’s. But now? It sounded like mawile teeth on a chalkboard.
She heard Mrs. Chuquete chuckle. “Flattery will get you nowhere, but I like your enthusiasm.” Despite the words she spoke, she sounded bashful. There was an almost unnoticeable waver in her voice, but Odette picked up easily. That seemed to be the same response he got every time.
She shook her head to herself as she stopped on the left side of the battlefield. She withdrew the three balls from her left pocket; Loïc, Isaur, and Ange. Enora and Solene were in her right pocket. She had to think this over because she realized, in her rage, that she was in a precarious situation.
One of the pluses of fighting a classmate was that she’d had the chance to observe them in previous classes. She could confidently say that she’d started to pick up on at least half the class's mannerisms whenever they battled, just from standing by and watching them work. She’d figured that she’d be lucky enough to get paired with somebody she’d observed closely by the time she was called for an exhibition. But no, there had to be a fluke, where she ended up battling the guy she’d never seen go at it once. It was a travesty because she could read Muraoka like a book. It would have been such a smooth victory.
The thing that amplified this problem was Dorien’s preference for steel types. He also had fighting types, proving to be a better matchup. But, she was hung up on the fact that steel wiped half her team if she didn’t play her cards exactly right. The battle would be a 3v3, and she wasn’t sure if that would work for or against her. She had to clear her head and really think.
An obvious choice would be to pick Solene as a lead, as she usually did. Psychic didn’t do much to steel, but steel wasn’t that much of a threat to psychic either. Plus, Solene could whip a fighting type easily. And with the way she'd always been arranging her astral shrine, with emphasis on attack resistance boosts on account of the ganlon berry offerings, Solene would have a nice edge on her ability to take hard hits, as usual.
She calmed down a little, knowing that at least part of her usual strategy wasn’t contested.
Another no-brainer pick was Ange. Fire being one of the only weaknesses of steel types, she’d be stupid not to send him in. He packed enough punch to take on whatever Dorien might throw at them unless he decided to send out a poliwhirl. Then that would be an issue. She’d have to hold her breath and hope he left that particular partner at home today. But, the liechi berry offerings should also further assist with his attack power, so his hits should lay on some hefty damage before they saw anything bad. Hopefully.
That left slot three, which is where she found herself stumped. Should she risk Enora or Loïc for the fairy advantage against fighting? If Dorien decided to go primarily steel, though, it would be a rough time for both of them, even with the astral shrine in effect. No configuration would make that matchup any less dire. Isaur, similarly, also saw the same problem but didn’t have the same advantage with fighting.
Odette had to wonder if they'd somehow have a harsher edge if she put some Arcean plates out on her shrine. Astral shrines only provided passive boosts and were by no means more useful than physical training, but it was good to consider what would prove the most advantageous for her battling. All the research she'd read stated that plates should be a staple for any astral shrine because of the level of power they held, but those fucking things gave her such bad headaches she couldn't be bothered. She'd been able to come up with a great power configuration using incense, whatever gems and gem shards she could get her hands on, and some orbs her mother had gotten ahold of for her, so she never saw the need. But she couldn't help but consider, in the face of what might be a pretty messy battle, some alternatives that might work in their favor in the future...
She’d been lucky enough thus far to have only run into the steel types among rounded teams. An almost-specialized steel trainer was rough terrain she actively tried to avoid, at least until she could find another counter that would fit her team or a shrine configuration that made all her fairy types entirely immune to it, which was pretty much impossible. She’d tried to steer clear of the two steel trainers in her monotype class, but there was no backing out of this unless she wanted to see a hit to her grade. She definitely didn’t want to give Dorien that satisfaction, either. If she couldn’t backhand him herself, she’d do it through battle.
Why was her head spinning so fast? She knew what she was doing. She'd battled people she'd never seen before; this shouldn't have been anything major to her. It was all normal. But the fact that it was Dorien...
“Trainers! Ready yourselves!” Mrs. Chuquete called excitedly. “The first three pokemon you send out will be the only ones you can battle with. Choose wisely!”
She hadn’t noticed that Dorien had trekked to his side of the arena. He spun three pokeballs in his left palm, tapping his foot as if he were waiting on her. When she finally caught sight of him, his smile widened.
“Much luck to you, Odette,” he said mockingly. Her jaw clenched, and she pocketed the balls she was holding and grabbed hold of Solene’s.
“Don’t need it,” she replied.
“You know what to do! Battle to the best of your abilities!”
Odette exhaled.
“Begin!”
“Come out to play, Excadrill. Swords Dance!” Dorien declared as he threw his ball forward. With a flash of light and a roar, Excadrill appeared.
“Cadriiiill!” it yelled. Odette hadn't had much exposure to excadrill, or ground types in general, so it was quite difficult for her to understand what it said. But, she couldn't focus too much on that. Dorien's callouts would need to keep her attention; not the potential language barrier.
Excadrill crossed its arms over its chest and began to spin around while a soft glow took hold of its claws.
“Solene, Reflect for incoming attacks,” she said simply as she tossed her ball out. Solene emerged in a beam of pink light.
“Of course,” Solene said, sounding serious.
She clasped her hands together as if in prayer and held them to her lips. She began to mutter something incoherent, and a shroud of more pink light fell over her.
“Now, Iron Head!” Dorien said.
Odette watched as the dual type lowered into a crouch before propelling itself forward. In a split second, its head made contact with Solene’s stomach. The Gothitelle stumbled backward, grimacing, but she wasn’t fazed otherwise.
“It’s close enough to Charm, go!” Odette said.
Solene unclasped her hands and used them to blow a swift kiss. This sent a stream of pink mist into the Excadrill’s face, causing it to stumble. It shook its head violently, trying to ward off the fumes. But the damage had been done. It reopened its eyes with dilated pupils and stared in awe at the Gothitelle before it.
Dorien gasped deeply. “Snap out of it, Excadrill! Iron Head again!”
“Hold,” Odette instructed quickly.
With slight hesitation, the Excadrill crouched backward again before launching into Solene’s stomach again. She trembled with the force of the attack but exhaled slowly before lifting her head.
“Nothing I can't handle,” she said.
“Good stuff, Sol,” Odette praised. She cut her gaze from Excadrill back to Dorien. He had that nasty little smirk on his face, but his brows had lowered in concentration.
“Wear off that Reflect, don’t stop hitting.”
Excadrill cooed in protest but quickly shook their head. The Charm had definitely done its job; as long as Solene kept her Reflect going, and Excadrill remained charmed, its attack power wouldn't be nearly as intense as normal.
Just a bit longer, Odette thought.
Excadrill flew forward again and went to town. Butting its head into Solene, slicing away at her skin with some hefty uses of X-Scissor. Solene took each hit like an attack dummy, progressively weakening but nowhere close to falling. She made no moves to attack back, allowing
Excadrill to land hit after hit. Odette made no move to instruct her otherwise either. She kept her eyes on the opposing Pokemon, watching its every move.
With a final punch, the Reflect barrier shattered, its glassy pieces of it falling to the ground before dissolving into a cloud of translucent dust and fading away. That was the punch that sent Solene sliding back into Odette. Odette caught her with ease and exchanged a look with her.
“I feel okay,” Solene said, despite sounding winded. "I can hold out, I promise."
“I know you can; you're doing great,” Odette told her. Solene was wonderful at taking hits, and whether it was built resistance from their physical training or the little boosts from the shrine, it didn't matter. What mattered was the performance, and Solene was showing out fabulously. “I think we’ve backed them into a corner.”
She shot a look back at Excadrill. It retreated back to Dorien’s side of the arena, panting heavily. She noticed that one of Dorien’s brows began to twitch, and this time, she let her own smirk take over her face. Was he frustrated already? Good.
Solene nodded. “Agreed. They're quite annoyed."
“One more, into our next phase,” Odette said, patting Solene on the shoulder. Solene nodded, then stomped forward again. She puffed her chest out and clasped her hands together once more.
“Let's go, we've got this!” Solene yelled.
Dorien lightly shook his head, exhaling with a sharp edge. “She’s weak. You can knock her down. Final Iron Head!” he hollered.
Odette slowly dove her hand back into her pocket, thumbing over Ange’s ball. She’d need to time this just right.
Excadrill let out a roar. It crouched before running forward.
“Solene, return!” Odette said suddenly.
Solene was absorbed back into her pokeball, only to quickly be replaced by the chandelure.
“No mercy, Ange!”
Ange manifested just before Excadrill's head made contact. It cried out in pain before scrambling backward. A blue flame took hold of its head; no matter how much it tried to fan it out, it was no use.
“Gooooooooooood evening!” Ange shouted gleefully. He puffed out his cheeks, engulfing himself in a periwinkle flame that built until it shot forward and made direct contact with Excadrill’s face. It flew backward and hit the ground with a loud thud.
Odette could hear a deep breath Dorien sucked in as gasps echoed from her onlooking classmates. The tension filled the arena as Excadrill stumbled back to its feet, blue fire spreading up its arm.
“Can you still battle?” Dorien questioned evenly.
“Ex...ca,” Excadrill replied, resting its hand on the burn. It glared intently at Ange, before dipping into another round of Swords Dance.
Ange waved at the Excadrill before turning to look at Odette. “What're we doing?” he asked.
“It’s already burned, so it won’t hesitate to come at you again. It's powering up, so watch yourself, but take it down as quickly as you can. We don't need to see anything else it can do.” she said.
Ange nodded, then suddenly flew toward the mole Pokemon. Excadrill appeared to be caught off-guard by the sudden movement and dodged the oncoming blast of fire. They were soon trapped in a dance, Ange shooting flames left and right, while the Excadrill did what it could to avoid another burn. It was already struggling from the first one, and Odette knew it was only a matter of time before it couldn’t go on. Even if Ange couldn’t get another powerful hit, Excadrill was as good as out.
She watched as Excadrill ceased in its dodging to stare Ange down. Ange held its gaze, rocking slightly from side to side, waiting for retaliation. It crouched before running.
Iron Head. She recognized the pre-attack tic and settled to wait for the mole to jump for it.
But, she was wrong.
The ground began to rumble, and the force began to build intensity. Odette stared at the arena floor to find that fissures were beginning to form in the shiny finish.
"Earthquake..." she muttered. "Earthquake!" she alerted Ange.
Ange barely caught the warning before a pillar of rock shot from the floor. It would have pierced him, but he moved aside just in time.
As Odette held her arms out to her sides to keep her balance, a building sense of frustration rose in her. Her observation had been wrong. The stupid mole had constantly crouched before running in for an Iron Head, but that one time came the ace.
"Don't look so upset, Odie!" Dorien called to her over the intense rumble. "It just can't be helped that I'm one step ahead of you."
Those words sent a chill up her spine. She didn't know why, but it sounded like he was...threatening her?
That chill was snuffed out by an angry heat. She gritted her teeth as she pointed toward Excadrill, still building the quake's magnitude.
Her voice cracked under the force of her screaming. Ange shot her a worried glance, but she didn't register it. Not through the red she was seeing.
"Go. Now!"
"I don't like when you yell at me like that," Ange whined. Nonetheless, he charged forward, dodging pillar after pillar as he conjured a ball of darkness within his tendrils. He'd made it halfway across the arena without a hit, and it looked like he had a clear shot.
"But, I'm gonna win this," Ange declared as he reared back to shoot. "You two don't have anything on m--"
Shk. Shk. Shk. Shk. SHK.
Pillars upon pillars upon pillars. Shooting up from the ground, all entirely aimed at Ange. He had no chance to dodge any of them, and they all hit with such spot-on accuracy that it was unlike anything she had ever seen. This was only intensified by the shocked whispers echoing from the onlookers, which she could now hear because the rumbling had stopped entirely.
"Holy shit!"
"What magnitude was that? I've never seen such a dead aim!"
With a sharp exhale, Ange's shadow ball dissolved, and he fell over, out cold.
"A-Ange is down and unable to fight!" Mrs. Chuquete hollered. There was an air of shock in her voice that she didn't bother hiding.
Odette stared blankly at Ange's fainted body. Her mind was spinning so fast that she could not keep up with it. She'd gone completely numb, trying to make sense of what she'd just witnessed.
How did he...
She forced herself to look at him. Their eyes met, and he smiled. He fucking smiled.
But there was no light in his eyes. No crinkle in his cheeks. It was empty. It was downright bone-chilling how he could move his lips like that without it showing anywhere else on his face.
And as soon as it formed, it morphed into a frown. A very prominent one at that.
As if it were timed, Excadrill fell over. Its shallow breaths indicated it was in no condition to fight any longer.
"E...Excadrill is down and unable to fight?" Mrs. Chuquete called. Her confusion matched Odette's.
Odette hadn't known Earthquake to cause recoil damage like that. Then again, she hadn't seen such a powerful use of it like that before. Maybe once it reached such an intense magnitude, the 'mon got affected as well?
Or, perhaps...
In a swift motion, Dorien recalled Excadrill. He wordlessly pocketed the ball, then tossed out the next.
“Conkeldurr, I have some fresh meat for you,” he said darkly as the large Pokemon manifested from its ball.
What? Odette thought frantically.
Conkeldurr stood there, drool dripping from its mouth and drilling to the ground. It scraped its feet against the polished floor, clanked its two rocks together, then charged.
Odette didn't quite realize what that thing could have possibly been moving to attack until she realized that, in her haze, she hadn't recalled Ange.
It was going for Ange. Ange was out. Why would it--?
Without thinking, she pulled him back and threw out the first ball her hand landed on in her pocket.
"Attack! I don't care what you do, just beat it the fuck up!"
She pressed down on the release button. With a flash of light, Loïc manifested with his claws ready.
"KkkkkkkkkYUUU!" he spat. There was no hesitation as he sprung forward and landed scratch after scratch on Conkeldurr. Loïc played as rough as he could--going for the face, the neck, the stomach. He zigged and zagged around Conkeldurr, going at a speed that made it hard for it to land a hit on him.
Grinding her teeth and trying to steady her breathing, Odette watched the battle intently. Not who her first choice would have been, but it was a welcome one. It was an advantageous matchup. Why Dorien would send out a damn fighting type against her was beyond her frame of logic. With a team that was majorly made up of fairy types, and even one psychic, that was asking for a loss. Loïc clearly held the upper hand and moved much faster too. Conkeldurr was already starting to look really tired. The drool was coming in waves now, and it was blinking slowly--
Wham!
In a burst of speed Odette would have never expected from a conkeldurr, it whipped around to face Loïc and slammed one of its rocks down on top of him. The world stood still for a moment, and all that could be heard were gasps from the other students.
"Loïc!" Odette screamed. Her lips curled back over her teeth, and she glared daggers at Dorien. "You motherfu--"
A shadow shot out from under the stone. It looped up behind Conkeldurr, and a large clawed hand rose from it. With a heavy swipe, Conkeldurr flew into a wall with a loud crash. It hit the floor, unmoving, as Loïc rose up from the floor. His head was flopped over like it'd been broken, but he looked unscathed.
"Conkeldurr is down and unable to fight!"
"Okay!" Loïc squeaked. He scurried back toward Odette, who was quick to kneel down to his height. She held her hands out to him, and he sat right between them.
"Good fucking gods," she said in a huff. "I thought he got you."
Her breathing was rapid, she could hear her heartbeat in her ears, and she felt tears prickling the corners of her eyes. That was the most jarring thing--she wasn't a crier; she'd never been a crier. But the level of frustration she was feeling was something she couldn't quite contain. Nothing about this battle was making sense anymore.
How was his Earthquake so powerful? Why did Conkeldurr go for Ange like that? Why did he even send out a conkeldurr in the first place?
The battle was still going on, so she had no time to sit and dwell on it. She didn't feel in the right mindset to be either, with the way her anger meshed with her conscious thought, leaving her on the verge of damn tears. Absolutely pathetic.
As she tried to reel herself in and get back into the game, her conversation with Noel decided to rear its head.
The wealthy, plus shinies...sounds like some shiny trade bullshit.
Dorien was in the shiny trade. Shinies were the ones showing up in sacrilege cases the most. Sacrilege had exploded onto the battle scene and had caused some Pokemon to do some...horrid things. Like eating their opponents and displaying unnatural levels of power.
"Hm. Conkeldurr's one of my best 'mon. But, I suppose those type matchups do weigh in sometimes."
Odette blinked a few times, keeping her eyes on Loïc.
If Dorien were involved in the shiny trade, it wouldn't be farfetched to say he's had run-ins with sacrilege. In the case of what she'd just witnessed, it was almost certain he could be giving it to his Pokemon.
"We fight?" Loïc asked.
Odette allowed the thought to linger before she shook her head.
"It's down to you and Solene. You're locked in because I threw you out, and Sol's already taken a slight beating. I need you to focus, alright?" she said firmly.
Loïc averted his eyes for a split second, then looked back at her.
"Pecha," he whispered.
"I'll give you five pecha berries if you can one-shot Shadow Claw this next one," she said. "I know we've worked on it a lot, so I trust you can do it."
Loïc hopped up and down a few times in joy before turning back toward the battle. Odette looked up in time to see Dorien pulling his last ball out of his jacket pocket. He popped it open, and with a loud roar, a ferrothorn took form.
“Ferrothorn,” Dorien said. “Your turn."
Ferrothorn didn't look particularly threatening. No drool, no signs of overpowering. At least from what she could see. But that still didn't make her feel any better. It was still a partial steel type. Not only could it take Loïc out, but it also wouldn't take much damage from Solene, and she was already in a damaged state.
Odette needed to take this slow. She couldn't rush into an attack again because that was how she lost Ange.
She stood up and sucked in a deep breath.
"Heavy Slam," Dorien said coldly.
"Substitute," Odette declared.
Loïc reached under his cloak and withdrew a battered pokedoll, which he threw forward. As the doll hit the floor, a beam of purple light manifested between it and Loïc, and Ferrothorn reared up and slam down on it. It didn't budge.
"Swords Dance," Odette said again.
"Break that Substitute," Dorien urged.
Ferrothorn flew forward with another slam as Loïc raised his hands and spun around. A light purple glow took over his tiny body, and he suddenly looked more energized.
"Now Bulk Up," she said.
She heard Dorien inhale sharply. "Ferrothorn, break the damn sub." He truly sounded frustrated.
Good. It was his turn to be.
Ferrothorn launched one more attack on the doll, and Loïc inhaled a loud breath. The glow that surrounded him got brighter just as the doll burst under the force of Ferrothorn's attack.
"You better knock him out!" Dorien commanded. "Again!"
"Shadow Claw, Loïc!" Odette yelled over him.
Loïc charged forward, bringing up his shadowy hands, which gradually grew in size. Ferrothorn launched upward again, growling with the intent to win it all. As it fell back toward the ground, it rolled out of the way Loïc. He quickly righted himself and landed the clawed attack, and Ferrothorn skidded backward toward Dorien under the force of the hit.
"Good shit, Loïc."
"Iron Head," Dorien growled.
Odette's blood ran cold, but she decided to ignore it for now. "Beat him back. You can do it."
Ferrothorn drove itself forward without a warning, and Loïc did the same. Claws outstretched, Loïc managed to get the hit off. He performed a rapid maneuver, ducking under Ferrothorn's raised body, and slashed it again against the back.
"Nice!" Odette cheered.
Ferrothorn skidded backward, cringing through the damage. Just when it looked like it wouldn't continue, it flew forward again and retaliated with a violent headbutt that sent Loïc flying.
Down and out.
"Loïc is down and unable to fight!"
Clearly, she'd celebrated too early. She'd known Loïc was most likely going down in that matchup, but she wasn't through yet.
She shot a glare at Ferrothorn. It was panting. It was still cringing. Loïc had definitely dealt some damage to it. They were on the last legs.
I'm not going to let you fucking win.
She pulled Loïc back and sent Solene forward. Solene blinked a few times, looking surprised that she'd been called out again. She visibly stiffened when she saw Ferrothorn, then sent a frantic look back at Odette.
"Wha--" she gasped. "What happ--"
Odette shook her head, effectively silencing her. "Heal Pulse. Stay alert for incoming attacks."
Solene paused, but she soon nodded. A pink glow immediately surrounded her, and she closed her eyes as she hung her head and began to mutter under her breath.
"Knock Off," Dorien commanded.
Odette bristled. "Watch it, Sol!"
Solene's eyes snapped open, and she rolled aside. Ferrothorn bounced off the floor as it attempted to make contact, and it stumbled backward, unable to right itself due to how weak it had become.
That was the opening.
"Psychic! Don't hesitate!"
Solene held her hands in front of her, and a ball of pink light manifested in her hands. In a single wave of her arms, the ball expanded into a beam and struck Ferrothorn, sending it back again. It shook off the attack, and in what looked to be a final burst of energy, it ran at Solene.
"Psychic! One more time!"
"Knock. Off!"
Boom.
The beam struck Ferrothorn. Solene was pushed backward. Both Pokemon were down.
However, after the tensest couple of seconds Odette had felt in a very long time, Solene raised her head.
Ferrothorn did not move.
“Battle over! The winner, by one Pokemon, is Odette!” Mrs. Chuquete said. Applause from the class followed.
Odette let loose a shaky breath. She didn't realize she was trembling until she raised her hand to wipe sweat from her forehead. With the other, she recalled Solene.
“Great battle, Odette!” Dorien said. “You're proof that type matchups are just a small part of the game, huh?"
She cut her gaze to him just in time to see him sauntering over with a happy-go-lucky grin. As if nothing had happened. As if everything about that battle was perfectly normal.
He held his hand out to shake, but she didn’t accept it. Instead, she stared him in the face. Scanning, hunting for remnants of that hostility. That darkness. But it was gone. He was back to cocky, spoiled smiles. Acting like everything was okay. Back to thinking they were probably still flirting.
Odette turned, leaving him with his hand outstretched, and speed-walked back toward the bleachers.
“Absolutely remarkable work, you two,” Mrs. Chuquete said as Odette approached. “That might have been the most exciting battle I've seen in this class for a long time!"
Odette brushed past her, ignoring the praise as she clamored up the bleachers to where she’d been sitting. She quickly shouldered her bag, then rushed back down, skipping steps as she went, before beelining for the doors. She avoided making eye contact with Dorien again as she passed him.
“Odette! Where are you going?” Mrs. Chuquete yelled after her.
“Bathroom. I’ll be back,” she replied, the words coming out in a rapid-fire slur. She was out in the hall after that.
That wasn’t necessarily a lie. She was headed to the bathroom. But the latter part was still up in the air. She wasn’t sure if she could sit through the rest of the class with Dorien in there, knowing what she thought she knew.
She was thankful to find that all the stalls were empty upon kicking open the door to the girl's room. She rushed to one of the sinks and threw her bag on the countertop. She then leaned against it, allowing her head to dangle and giving herself a chance to come down from wherever the hell her head was.
She couldn’t even bring herself to bask in her victory. She was far too worked up about everything else that had happened. From the conversation beforehand to the battle itself, to how he was just...perfectly fine afterward. Well, as perfectly fine as he could be. There was something very wrong with him.
He had to be drugging his 'mon. That wasn't paranoia, was it? It couldn't have been. There was something very wrong with those Pokemon, too.
She lifted her head to stare at her reflection, watching herself take deep, steady breaths. Slowly but surely, her heart slowed, and her brain stopped spinning.
Maybe she wouldn’t go back to class. It was her last one for the day, anyway. She could say she had a bout of sickness and had to go home. Chuquete had a soft spot for the illness stories, and Odette knew she could pull it off well.
She also knew she didn’t want to be in there. She didn’t want to be in the building. Every fiber of her being was screaming at her to run.
So, she supposed it would be a good time for her to visit her grandfather instead.
Very good!! I also appreciate the use of the word bugger here. (It's entirely subjective and personal but I was never a fan of tossing curse words around. Not only do I personally not enjoy it but I really takes away from their impact. But like I said, entirely personal and non-objective.)
Yeah, I also ended up really liking the change to bugger, especially because they're intended to be like..."European" (because yk FRANCE) and it just makes more sense LOL. I'm glad you like it!
I live for pokemon versions of things and pokemon brand name and all those little things. These are just two highlights from this chapter that were great.
Anyways, I was very into the last scene, and I thought it made for a good ending. Having Odette actually come home and have to deal with her team's shenanigans (Monopoly is the worst, ain't it!? lol) gives us insight into her and paints a good picture of her team and what pokemon are like in your world. It also gives us a good look into some personalities of the pokemon.
If that's true, it makes me wonder how much Florence and Armel's situations have changed since this scene, given it looks to have happened something like 20 years before chapter 1.
Chapter 1 felt a little lacking in action - certainly compared to the explosive prologue. Still, it was short enough for that to not be much of a problem, and it effectively introduces who I assume will be three of the story's main characters.
I do agree with this--we go from Eldritch terror eating people to little former Broadway performer internally complaining to herself. I felt the chapter was short enough to where it wouldn't be such a pain to read, but I'll take your thoughts into account, as I'm heavily considering a full rewrite.
Noel however seems to be the stereotype of a camp, gay guy. I hope there's more to his character than that, because I wasn't too impressed by this introduction.
I think you could have utilised curses better in this chapter. The only times they appeared was in Odette's thoughts, none in actual dialogue, which seems a bit odd for starters. Then there's the fact that this is a fairly mundane situation - Odette just doesn't want to talk about her strange behaviours. Does that really warrant four separate F-bombs?
I'm a fan of that as it lets us take in the character of Odette little by little and pick up on the nuances that gradually unravel a hint of something traumatic having happened in the past, but I do have to point out that it felt a bit numbing to mainly have people only sit/stand around and talk.
Yeah, that seems to be the general consensus so far. I did feel it was somewhat short enough to where it wouldn't be too numbing but it's kinda getting there. This will most likely be the first chapter I tackle for rewrites.
but for example the description of Odette's friendship to Acacia could have some fun memory attached to it or a subtle mannerism of hers that Odette's picked up on. I did find myself wondering why Acacia and Noel were friends with Odette with how much of a wet blanket she's being.
I am pleased to see the shininess addressed soon after its introduction. While it doesn't explain how she has a shiny, just having it be pointed out as kind of a mundane detail helps decouple it from the "MC has a shiny mon because they are just that special and awesome" trope.
I'm uber happy you kinda got that vibe. I definitely didn't want there to be an air of "oH yEaH oDeTtE iS sPeCiAl bEcUz ShE hAs ShInY" it's definitely just entirely a fluke that she has one. Wanted to nip that in the bud right off the bat.
Thank you, I'm so glad!! I also feel like it made sense?? I mostly did it because in the pre-writing stages I wasn't sure what type to give Odette, so....I generalized!
Looking through the reviews, it seems no one else has brought up The Complaint in this thread, so it is my duty to express it. There are quite a few people to whom the replacement of God with Arceus is phrases is a pet peeve, and they've recruited me to their ranks as well. The thing is that in canon Arceus is mentioned only a couple of times and seems to be utterly absent outside Sinnoh, so its prevalence in phrases like this seems less like actual worldbuilding and more "how can I say 'Oh my God' without referencing the Christian God... oh, Arceus is similar to God, I'll go with that". But for Arceus to be part of phrases like these, his worship would basically have to be the majority religion, which would then also show in different areas of culture. An example would be having churches / places of worship around, but usually details like these are completely absent in the "oh my Arceus" stories.
Of course it's possible that you do have an established practice of Arceism in your world, in which case this isn't a problem, but I do want to point out that this is a thought that does come to a lot of readers as a knee-jerk reaction.
I'm going to be heavily taking this into account from now on, because this makes a lot of sense and I'm actually very, uh, perplexed with myself that I didn't think of this before. I was kinda leaning into the idea that Arceus worship is a primary religion. So I'll look out for opportunities to show "Hey here's a Church of [insert Legendary here]."
totally meant it as she pays for the water bill because she still lives at home with her mom but this absolutely works too...she also takes long asf showers
OH WHAT A GOOD SENTENCE. Really drives home that whole “eerily silent, calm before the storm” vibe. And so far, I am LOVING Florent’s villainous vibe. I really really dig the cool and collected villains, they’re far more unsettling and scary than the ones that just fly into a rage and scream all the time. With villains like this, if they ever do shout, you know it’s REAL.
I'm super glad you enjoy him! He took a few rewrites to get him to that more "calm before the storm" vibe, so I'm really happy it's hitting for you. I'm really trying to present the idea that he's totally chill even though he's absolutely not. So...yay!
So far I'm most drawn to the kid, Armel. I got the impression that he may be kept under lock and key because he could end up more powerful than his father, even with his issues, should he ever fully come into the power of his bonded legendary. And since he only appears in the prologue and will be around 30 when we see him next, I look forward to it. Though given his memory loss being tied to when he sleeps, I wonder if he's bonded to Sloth or what.
Yes, it is going to be a hot minute until we see Armel again, but keep him in your thoughts! I will say, it is briefly mentioned in the prologue who he's tethered to!
For some reason I'm getting a strong image of Florent as being tall and thin with white hair and shiny black boots. I don't think there was a physical description of him so it's funny.
Yeeeaaaaaah I was stuck on a bit of this idea that I needed to "Pokemonize" every real world thing, and that was what I came up with for a Tony award. Definitely need to revise that part too!🥲
I feel like it's too early for me to weigh in on them much--I mostly have a lot of questions, but I think I'm okay with not knowing all the answers yet at this stage of the story--but it's definitely interesting to imagine how the seven deadly sins could be interpreted through a pokemon setting. I don't think you need to make it so explicit that's what they are, by the way: I think it'll naturally become obvious as we see more of them.
It seems like the seventh one is missing? Or there were six in the bell jar plus the gluttony one that belongs to the villain? Either way, one of them noped out to go chill with (presumably Odette)
But! If I had to guess which one would be beelining for Odette right now, it would be either Pride or Envy, since she's clearly got self-esteem issues and an interest in the limelight. It seems like there was a time-skip of seventeen years between the prologue and the first chapter, so I'm surprised Odette hasn't gotten an inkling of an elder god sniffing around her yet.
I'm not totally sold on her portrayal yet. Her friends and cohort are going out of her way to talk up how amazing she is at knowing things about pokemon and performing. She's also got a rare shiny pokemon. For all that, her biggest flaw so far seems to be that, uwu, she doesn't believe in herself? People can totally be self-contradictory and have irrationally poor self-esteem, but the balance here isn't ringing true to life for me.
This is valid, and I understand why. Spent a lot of time telling and not showing here, but I hope that the following chapters start doing more in establishing her!
I also had to wonder about why we're spending so much time with her friends when it seems like a) we won't see them again because she's moving and b) she doesn't even seem to want to talk to them or seem that upset about the prospect of leaving them. It seems like this chapter's goal was to set up that Odette likes the theater but is nervous about moving, which I think could've been set up just as effectively during the plane ride to Alola. Let her friends pop in with flashbacks, something for her to miss and try to reassure herself with when she's feeling anxious.
I also noticed that it seems like the Alola timeline here meshes with the timeline in Sun/Moon, with the league newly developing. I wonder if Enigma's plans are going to overlap with Skull/the Aether Foundation.
First up, our MC, Odette! I was very intrigued by her. You worked in a lot of details about her. I liked the way you went out of your way to have her notice all these facial ticks and cues that the people around her are doing, and having her be able to read them. I assume this is at least partially due to her experience with theater (?). Either that or she got into theater because she was so good at that.... hmm...
WHEW I was def nervous about her little knack for hyper observing everything was going to be apparent, so I'm stoked you caught this. This trait is definitely more of a "I was raised like this" but her time as a performer def helped!
I also feel like you either must have been in theater yourself or done some research cause something about the vibes in what you wrote felt right. Accurate.
I loved the details of how performers work with their pokemon, through dancing and showing off. A big appeal for me in pokemon stories is the many ways people interact and work together. (I hope I'll see more of this!!)
I was definitely going back and forth with including fakemon or not, but none of the existing legendaries really worked for the plot I'm trying to draw out so...fakemon it was! I do hope you like what's to come!
OH DEAR. That part where Gullative devoured the grunts was horrifying. The way the grunts just accepted it, how the sounds were described...you paint a picture of pure horror excellently here.
Oh no. Florent's planning on feeding a child, HIS child, to Gullative. Absolutely horrible. You do a great job making him such a hateable character, in a good way.
Seems that this friend group isn't going to last much longer, and has been crumbling for a while. I wonder what the reason for prior exits from the dance group were?
Sorry I'm late! Here for Catnip, and read the problogue, chapter 1 and chapter 2. And I got feelings on this one, so I hope I don't come off as too harsh or that I make sense...
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If there’s one thing that takes me by surprise, it’s how well modern day urban-style dialogue naturally fits a Pokémon setting. Well, not just dialogue, but modern day urban aesthetic in general. The thing I immediately noticed was how natural and carefully crafted all that was, particularly in chapter one and two. These characters, whether background or important enough to be named, spoke like people in the current era and incorporated Pokémon into their dialogue like they truly lived in a realistic world with Pokémon. Meanwhile, the Pokémon themselves weren’t excluded in the equation, fitting right in as friends and family rather than pets or convenient fantasy tools.
I can’t dance around my feelings, here: Odette’s relationship with her Pokémon left the biggest impression on me and is one of the best representations of a Pokémon and trainer bond I have read in an extremely long time, arguably even better than main franchise at times. Pokémon fighting over a game of Monopoly? Chandelure accidentally setting off the fire alarm? A cheeky Sylveon that adores attention? A bloodthirsty legendary with an omniscient view of the outside world?
These didn’t feel like fantasy monsters in the background of a human world. In what little I read, they felt like family, friends, staff, comrades, whether for good or for bad. From a few lines of dialogue or description, you could tell what kind of bonds these characters shared with their Pokémon and where they fit into the story. It is definitely this story’s biggest strength, and the thing I enjoyed the most.
Now, onto the story itself, my feelings are a confusing jumble of indecisive statements that I don’t want to feel too harsh or too positive. I’m definitely interested in its direction, potential, and its ideas, but its execution and pace left me a bit more wanting than I’d have liked.
One could argue the stellar interaction between the characters, their Pokémon, and the underlying drama that Odette secretes, is this story’s driving force and the reason I kept reading. I have my predictions about Odette, Florent, and Armel, and would love to see them flourish into something heavy and page-turning. When I’m curious about the story and debating with myself about what character actions or stuff means for the greater plot, that means you’ve got my curiosity for the running. However, as it stands, I can’t escape the feeling that said drama is going to be a long while away, for better or for worse.
One cannot have such a strong aesthetic of character interaction without taking the story slow, and yet, I felt as though things are too slow and that some focuses may have even been unnecessary. The biggest problem with this is the wild transition between the prologue and chapter one. I knew the perspective would shift after the prologue, and so a new introduction to setting would be in order. But I also expected the plot to be moving by the middle or end of chapter two, but it didn’t. Instead, I had to sit through a lengthy bike ride home and a singing session that I feel ultimately added as little as the argument about what Pokémon works best on stage, or Odette’s dwindling eating habits. Actually, all of those little scenarios felt like hints at the greater plotline, which is one hint too many for a mystery that basically hasn’t started.
This leaves the story in a bit of an awkward place, where it’s not quite clear who it’s for or who it’s trying to entertain. The prologue sets up an intriguing, dark mystery with original Pokémon creations, a twisted family in a clearly diabolical villainous team, and a unique character in Armel, only to totally shift to a very casual slice of life, relatable, urban setting where the most excitement for the next two chapters is a woman moving house.
Both ends of the spectrum are done amazingly and would be strong recommendations if they were the first chapters of separate fanfictions, but put together, the main plot takes too long to get going and the stark shift in tone and focus is tiring. Perhaps this could be saved if chapters one and two were compressed together in some shape or form with irrelevant scenes removed? But of course, that’s me assuming that chapter three is where things kick off. Whether they do or they don’t, those who might’ve been into it from the prologue have only got Odette’s vague memories of ‘You killed him’ to keep them going.
There’s also some focus in the writing style that slows things down a little too much. There’s a lot, and I mean a lot of descriptive commentary from Odette, and often times that commentary reiterates the same thing she just commented on. In general, a lot of her thoughts and feelings could easily be, and in fact are expressed in her dialogue. Don’t get me wrong: I adored her character voice in the narrative, but the repetition tore apart conversations that could be substantially shorter. Take her conversation with Acadia and Noel in chapter one, and how often she mentions to the reader how she wants to drop the topic and move on.
Definitely trust in your dialogue and your reader. Your dialogue carries more weight and information than the story currently trusts the reader to think about.
Otherwise, there’s not much else to really mention. Descriptions and text is suitably varied and colourful, really driving home the intended feelings of each scene. Names can get a little messy due to each Pokémon having a nickname and there being many, but it didn’t trip me up for long. The main cast stood apart enough from one another to remain interesting throughout. White Swan Black Swan was a solid and perfectly enjoyable game, but only as long as I was patient with its pace.
Hey SGM! Thank you so much for your kind and honest review! A lot of what you said both made me really happy, and really made me think! I ended up rewriting chapter 1 and parts of chapter 2 after reading this review, because you really lit a fire under my butt. Once again, thank you!
I can’t dance around my feelings, here: Odette’s relationship with her Pokémon left the biggest impression on me and is one of the best representations of a Pokémon and trainer bond I have read in an extremely long time, arguably even better than main franchise at times. Pokémon fighting over a game of Monopoly? Chandelure accidentally setting off the fire alarm? A cheeky Sylveon that adores attention? A bloodthirsty legendary with an omniscient view of the outside world?
So, the drama actually starts to kick off in chapter 3, and it begins to snowball from there. However, I did rewrite chapter one to include a good chunk of the information that was initially introduced in chapter 3. So, as of now, drama starts to boil from the moment the prologue ends :)
I felt as though things are too slow and that some focuses may have even been unnecessary. The biggest problem with this is the wild transition between the prologue and chapter one. I knew the perspective would shift after the prologue, and so a new introduction to setting would be in order. But I also expected the plot to be moving by the middle or end of chapter two, but it didn’t. Instead, I had to sit through a lengthy bike ride home and a singing session that I feel ultimately added as little as the argument about what Pokémon works best on stage, or Odette’s dwindling eating habits. Actually, all of those little scenarios felt like hints at the greater plotline, which is one hint too many for a mystery that basically hasn’t started.
This leaves the story in a bit of an awkward place, where it’s not quite clear who it’s for or who it’s trying to entertain. The prologue sets up an intriguing, dark mystery with original Pokémon creations, a twisted family in a clearly diabolical villainous team, and a unique character in Armel, only to totally shift to a very casual slice of life, relatable, urban setting where the most excitement for the next two chapters is a woman moving house.
Yes, this has been the general consensus based on other reviews I got. My entire goal was to open with a bang, then kind of dial it back and slowly start to build back into that level of "oh shit" (because once i get past these introductory chapters, as i said, it starts to snowball). However, it seems I dialed it back too far. The rewrite kind of carries a more urgent, more mysterious air, so I hope I at least upped the ante a little more.
Both ends of the spectrum are done amazingly and would be strong recommendations if they were the first chapters of separate fanfictions, but put together, the main plot takes too long to get going and the stark shift in tone and focus is tiring. Perhaps this could be saved if chapters one and two were compressed together in some shape or form with irrelevant scenes removed?
I know this was meant to be a critique, but I also happy cried when I read this LOL. Rewrites were made; chapter 1 was made much more "urgent" and shortened, while I didn't do much to chapter 2 because I feel like the information divulged there is still important. However, the new pace and length of chapter 1 should make chapter 2 much more palatable to read!
Hello! Sorry I’m late. Schoolwork + deadlines have been a massacre lately ;-;
I went in blind expecting this to be a trainer romance-type thing. I was so wrong
Immediately I get unsetting vibes from this. Obviously the prologue is 50 shades of NOPE NO THANK YOU, but the first two chapters also have a fair share of off-kilter content too, even if it’s bubbling below the surface. I felt that tone-wise it was pretty well-blended, but also it was kind of hard for me to get a grip on things from time to time.
A lot of this is kind of hard for me to parse, honestly – on one hand, it’s extremely original and vibrant, to the point where I can barely even compare it to pokemon in the first place. Which isn't a bad thing! It reads really well. On the other hand, there’s just so much being shoved into these two chapters that it’s just hard to get a grip on it all. It does strike me like a well-written TV drama, though.
First off, the characters: These are pretty well-done! Odette, her pokemon, and all her coworkers feel like real, mature people, and ground the story in a way that can’t really be done just be making the world real. Odette’s pokemon are really cool too – you breathe a life and dynamic into them that I don’t see often at all in these types of stories, while only having them utter a single word. By the end of the conversation with that rich shiny seller guy I can really get a feel of who he is and why Odette hates him so much.
I also thought the setup was interesting. There’s a bit of a weird clash between the down-to-earth Sacrilege Drug cartel thing and the pretty goofy premise of Team Eclipse, but it does create an interesting mystery that’s presumably going to come back in full force pretty soon. That, and I feel like the shiny-seller guy and his pokemon are definitely using it >.>
It does surprise me just how… mundane the pokemon world in this is. Despite having pokemon in it, it’s surprisingly close to what the actual real world looks like, just with more superpowered critters. I guess it’s just preference, but they feel a bit like an afterthought here, just kept around as pets or companions. That’s not to say that there needs to be some high-fantasy world with its own mythos or anything! But I guess it does strike me as a little weird that creatures clearly as intelligent as humans and powerful to boot play such a removed role in society, basically being pets you can hold a conversation with. It feels like they just stand around in the background here to remind the viewer that yes, this world has pokemon in it. Even the pokemon anime, which keeps pokemon in pretty much the same role, shows how stuff has changed to accommodate pokemon, or how pokemon replace things we’d be doing with tech gizmos/a lot of headache in real life. Admittedly we’ve only seen a small chunk of this world so far, though, but I’d like to see more of what role pokemon play in this world.
On the other hand, though, I found myself really liking all the pokemon similes/metaphors! You get really creative with them and it just. pops. That’s where the worldbuilding really shines here, IMO – small things like this that make it just different enough for me to buy the premise of this actually being a lived-in world with its own history and culture, rather than Our World With Pokemon In the Background.
Then there’s the weird occult thing going on in the background and the prologue. It feels obvious that (A) Odette is the Person of Interest that the team leader is going to go after in the prologue, and (B) Sacrilege is a supernatural drug being handled by supernatural means. This one hasn’t really had a chance to shine outside the prologue yet, but I feel like it’s going to bare its fangs pretty soon (perhaps that rich guy goes after her or something?) I also feel like whatever that black thing that ran off in the prologue was is behind the reason for, or at least amplifying Odette’s crazy anger spells. Does any of this make sense?
Anyways, this is interesting so far! Only a couple of chapters, but I’m able to get a pretty good idea of the direction already. Going forward I hope more of the supernatural plot comes forward, and we get to see more of what pokemon actually do in this society. The writing is very good!
I like the way the characters speak in the first chapter. It makes them sound more....royal? Does that make sense? Royalty is the vibe I get, and it feels like that's the intent here. Hopefully, I'm not too wrong!
It got intense pretty quickly with the missing Pokemon, plus what happened to those grunts.
It'll be interested to see how all of this ties into Odette. Looking forward to reading more.
You know you're like the third person to say that, and I started thinking "why the fuck does everyone think this is a romance already" and then I remembered how all I talk about in the Discord is my thirst for the ships in this story 🥲 I mean you're NOT WRONG, romance comes in, but this is a slow burn, so we won't be seeing it for another 20k words or so lolololololololololol i'm crying
A lot of this is kind of hard for me to parse, honestly – on one hand, it’s extremely original and vibrant, to the point where I can barely even compare it to pokemon in the first place. Which isn't a bad thing! It reads really well. On the other hand, there’s just so much being shoved into these two chapters that it’s just hard to get a grip on it all. It does strike me like a well-written TV drama, though.
So this is the best compliment you could give me EVER. The original problem was that the pacing was too slow and there wasn't enough to grasp, and now with the rewrite, I'm teetering on shoving a lot in the reader's face in a few chapters, and tbh...that's preferable. I'd rather this come off as a TV drama than a slow moving chapter book. So I REALLY appreciate this.
It does surprise me just how… mundane the pokemon world in this is. Despite having pokemon in it, it’s surprisingly close to what the actual real world looks like, just with more superpowered critters. I guess it’s just preference, but they feel a bit like an afterthought here, just kept around as pets or companions. That’s not to say that there needs to be some high-fantasy world with its own mythos or anything! But I guess it does strike me as a little weird that creatures clearly as intelligent as humans and powerful to boot play such a removed role in society, basically being pets you can hold a conversation with. It feels like they just stand around in the background here to remind the viewer that yes, this world has pokemon in it. Even the pokemon anime, which keeps pokemon in pretty much the same role, shows how stuff has changed to accommodate pokemon, or how pokemon replace things we’d be doing with tech gizmos/a lot of headache in real life. Admittedly we’ve only seen a small chunk of this world so far, though, but I’d like to see more of what role pokemon play in this world.
I'm very happy you pointed this out because this isn't something that's been commented on yet, but deep in my head I was feeling like I wasn't doing enough world building WITH the pokemon yet. Like they're there, but they're not there. I had a momentary bit with the stagehand Machamps pushing props, but that's about it so far.
I absolutely have an abundance of things planned with pokemon doing things to help humans or even in place of humans, but I appreciate this comment keeping me in check about it.
It feels obvious that (A) Odette is the Person of Interest that the team leader is going to go after in the prologue, and (B) Sacrilege is a supernatural drug being handled by supernatural means. This one hasn’t really had a chance to shine outside the prologue yet, but I feel like it’s going to bare its fangs pretty soon (perhaps that rich guy goes after her or something?) I also feel like whatever that black thing that ran off in the prologue was is behind the reason for, or at least amplifying Odette’s crazy anger spells. Does any of this make sense?
Yeah we're teetering out of introductory chapters and into the bullshit, and I will say you're not horribly off the mark on any of these thoughts. Fangs are coming out SOON!
I like the way the characters speak in the first chapter. It makes them sound more....royal? Does that make sense? Royalty is the vibe I get, and it feels like that's the intent here. Hopefully, I'm not too wrong!
YES. Thank you. Thaaaaank you for getting this vibe, this was the idea. Florent thinks of himself as royalty, and his underlings follow in that view 100%. Good catch!
Man, I was blown away that anyone would ever do a Pokémon x Reddit crossover series but I am not disappoint.
So I have to admit I was really hype for Wall Street Bets: the Series, but in the Prologue we get this paper-handed little snot who can't deal when his precious stocky-wockies totally tank. It's a Bear Market, Florent. Chill, hold, and remember: Rillaboom together strong.
Yeah, this is why you gotta have Diamond Hands in a market like this. Things are volatile. Can't screw the shorts if you overreact to every little thing. Volatility, Florent. Look it up.
“No, no, no, no…” he muttered to himself as he leaned over the contents. The holder was situated with five pockets, each occupied with its own neatly situated Pokeball, closed and undisturbed. Or, at least, that was how it was supposed to be.
The fifth and final Pokeball stood open and broken, as if the Pokemon it originally housed had blown it out from the inside.
The four grunts exchanged looks. After a beat, they dropped to their knees, and fell over into a bowing position. They then began to run through their memorized code of apology.
"Forgive us, King Florent, for we have wronged you..."
“However,” he continued. He pulled his left hand from behind his back, revealing a single Pokeball he’d had on him. “You’ve outlived your usefulness to me. Your time for purification has come, my good men.”
The bead of red that formed on his thumb began to glow, and a stream of light shot out from it and joined the beams emanating from the Pokeball. It met with the manifestation, causing it to begin to grow in size. It grew, and grew, and grew. It didn’t appear it would stop growing, until the glowing form had nearly hit the ceiling. However, it stopped just short of it, and faded from the beams of the Pokeball and Florent’s blood into reality.
A slit tore open in the Pokemon’s stomach, revealing rows upon rows of serrated and saliva-coated coated pincers. A pointed tongue, one that looked to be far too long to fit in its body, licked the pincers before curling outward into the open. The Pokemon emitted a threatening growl, before lunging at the grunts. All that could be heard was a set of high pitched squeals, followed by the sickening sound of their bones crunching, and the squelch of their flesh being bitten into. It took Gulattive no time at all to swallow down all of them.
Okay, real talk, I am loving this villainous take on what Hedge funds can manifest as. Their giant, greedy mouths, the willingness to spill blood for their cause, both theirs and their victims, it's, like, spot on. Man, fuck Capitalism.
As his father conversed with Gulattive, Armel was wracking his brain for ideas on what he should do. Although he had awoken with a cleaned memory slate, he supposed, if he were to avoid the same fate as those grunts, he had to be of some use. This proved difficult when he woke up every morning forgetting the previous day, but he kept his journal on him at all times for that exact reason. It served as what was left of his memory bank.
Man, even for a hedgie, literally eating babies almost seems caricatureish. Until you remember that's what they basically do anyways, so they can kiss my diamond-handed ass.
👀 Villian opening? Why do I have such a strong suspicion that the child mentioned in this opening is named something like Odelle? Odile? Starts with an "O", at least
Anyway, I do generally like this opening. An introduction to the evil team of this story, but a lot of mysteries concerning them. Something that immediately stuck out to me is--despite the otherwise modern time frame--is the old-fashioned aspect of this group. I first noticed this with the grunts referring to their leader as "majesty," but they also appear to have some kind of strict moral code. The grunts adhere to rigid training, even having a "memorized code of apology". With their legendary Pokemon representing the seven traditional sins, that only adds to the vibe.
"Your time for purification has come, my good men."
...
The bead of red that formed on his thumb began to glow, and a stream of light shot out from it and joined the beams emanating from the Pokeball.
...
A slit tore open in the Pokemon’s stomach, revealing rows upon rows of serrated and saliva-coated coated pincers. A pointed tongue, one that looked to be far too long to fit in its body, licked the pincers before curling outward into the open.
Florent's relationship with his Pokemon--it differs from most of the canon's teams' relationships with Pokemon. In some aspects it seems like Florent's Pokemon is acting as a co-leader. Florent was leaning toward sparing the grunts until Gulattive piped in, and Florent turned to the Pokemon for information. There's also that phrasing: "your time for purification". Some kind of ritual?--even the grunts seemed to accept it.
But purification for what, and for whose benefit? What do the grunts gain (or think they gain) for this purification? Gulattive? Florent?
Those are my main questions after reading this prologue, but there's another detail I'm interested in: Armel and his unusual condition. My mind is going to that a connecting to a Seven-Sins-Pokemon is somehow causing his memory loss, as Florent kind of suggested being connected came with being related to him. No idea which sin could make that happen though--maybe his father purposefully trying to hinder him? I have a feeling we're going to see an older Arnett in some form in the story proper, though I don't know what kind of role he will take.
For the writing, I had sections I appreciated, but throughout I noticed that your writing tended to feel bloated. I can pinpoint two sources for this: filler words and unneeded narration.
Team Enigma tended to function like a well-oiled machine, but the abnormality of the sirens was prompting some chaos. None of the grunts appeared to know what to do about it, as they frantically ran about trying to gain some information from one another. But it seemed that every grunt was just as clueless as the next. Some decided to stand by and wait for instructions from their feared leader, but nothing of the sort came.
In this paragraph, a lot of the verbs are phrases like "tended to function", "appeared to know", and "decided to stand by". When you write a verb phrase like that, it's usually good to think: Can I convey this in fewer words? Phrasing like that can make writing feel slower and wishy-washy. You usually want to be clear, decisive, and active. I'm going to offer a possible rewrite of this section to illustrate.
Team Enigma tended to functionusually functioned like a well-oiled machine, but abnormal sirens prompted chaosthe abnormality of the sirens was prompting some chaos.
(Less words this way, and it generally reads as more "in the moment")
None of the grunts appeared to know what to do about it, as theyGrunts frantically ran about trying to gain some information from one another. But it seemed that every grunt was just as clueless as the next.
(That first clause isn't actually necessary--the next bits of description show that the grunts are lacking context. Do the grunts only want some/partial information; the qualifier appears unneeded/inaccurate. And no need to be vague! Have descriptions happen, not just seem to happen)
Some decided to stand by and waitstood by and waited for instructions from their feared leader, but nothing of the sort came.
(Is the act of deciding necessary, or just what the grunts are doing?)
Of course, you don't need to agree with my every alteration, but I hope what I'm trying to say is clearer! Here's the rewritten paragraph in full:
Team Enigma usually functioned like a well-oiled machine, but abnormal sirens prompted chaos. Grunts frantically ran about trying to gain information from one another. But every grunt was as clueless as the next. Some stood by and waited for instructions from their feared leader, but nothing of the sort came.
As his father conversed with Gulattive, Armel was wracking his brain for ideas on what he should do. Although he had awoken with a cleaned memory slate, he supposed, if he were to avoid the same fate as those grunts, he had to be of some use. This proved difficult when he woke up every morning forgetting the previous day, but he kept his journal on him at all times for that exact reason. It served as what was left of his memory bank.
He slowly brought his journal to his face and pulled it open, shaky hands flipping frantically through the pages, trying to find something he might have written down that could assist his father in the current predicament. He hoped, somewhere in his previous lives, he’d written some useful information down.
He turned page upon page, his eyes scanning them for any trigger words that might prove worth mentioning. In the several seconds he was turning, he found himself slightly tripped up by the recounts of preceding days, as he always was when he reread everything. Instances that he had no recollection of, rewritten clear as day in his own handwriting, and dated for his own convenience. He blew backwards through November, October, September, August...all the way back to April, where he finally found something.
Here, this section can be shortened by letting the reader fill in the gaps. What's happening to Armel isn't ordinary--but let the reader do some legwork in figuring out mysteries. For example, here you don't have to say directly spell out what that mysterious book he's been carrying is. Letthe actions in the narrative speak for themselves.
Like I did above, I'm going to go through the next paragraphs, this time explaining what parts I felt were unneeded.
As his father conversed with Gulattive, Armel was wracking his brain for ideas on what he should do. Although he had awoken with a cleaned memory slate, he supposed, if he were to avoid the same fate as those grunts, he had to be of some use. This proved difficult when he woke up every morning forgetting the previous day, but he kept his journal on him at all times for that exact reason. It served as what was left of his memory bank.
(We know that Armel loses his memory, and in the next paragraphs we'll learn what the journal is for without needing it spelled out.)
He slowly brought his journal to his face and pulled it open, shaky hands flipping frantically through the pages, trying to find something he might have written down that could assist his father in the current predicament. He hoped, somewhere in his previous lives, he’d written some useful information down.
(We already know why Armel is going through his journal.
He turned page upon page, his eyes scanning them for any trigger words that might prove worth mentioning. In the several seconds he was turning, he found himself slightly tripped up by the recounts of preceding days, as he always was when he reread everything. Instances that he had no recollection of, rewritten clear as day in his own handwriting, and dated for his own convenience. He blew backwards through November, October, September, August...all the way back to April, where he finally found something.
(Reading through something you wrote but don't remember is odd in itself--so no need to explicitly point that out. Also, if Armel forgets everything every day, how does he know how he always responds when re-reading?)
Chapter 1 is a big shift from the prologue, but I found it a quick, tight read that invested me in 1) what Team Enigma might be doing in the modern-day and 2) in the character of Odette.
Though this chapter is far away from the blood-powered legendaries and nefarious masterminds in the prologue, I was impressed with the way it continued the momentum of the story. In large part, this is due to your characterization of Odette. From the start, I found her a sympathetic, down-to-earth protagonist. I like her interactions with the other characters—I loved the banter betweenher and Noel. Her current conflicts are not I what expected either from the prologue or generally from Pokefic, but her struggles with getting her foot in an acting career and dealing trauma from a past assault immediately made her relatable for me. In this chapter, she feels like a real person from the real world—except she has Pokémon!
Honestly, I feel like I could read a relatively mundane story about her working through her feelings with her coworkers serving as quirky side characters. After reading this, I began thinking about how Odette would react to what’s inevitably coming to her in this fic; how her current struggles will alter/intertwine when Team Enigma comes back into the action.
Speaking of Team Enigma, I like the way you kept them in a story without overwhelming Odette’s more mundane introduction. I have no idea what’s happening with this drug “Sacrilege”, other than that I assume it's connected with the Seven Sins Legendaries, but I like how it provides a backdrop during the start of the story.
Something more niche that got me thinking is the role of Pokémon in this fic. Something that struck me is that a Simisear was the first person noted in-story to have been affected by Sacrilege, even though it’s mentioned that Pokémon aren’t the usual victims of this drug.
The only Pokémon we got to see in the Prologue was Gulattive, whom I assume isn’t typical. Pokémon in this fic seem to have a strong role in daily life, but aren’t considered exactly the same as humans. In this chapter, Enora (who is fucking adorable, may I say) seems smarter than an irl animal, but still acts something like a pet and is somewhat treated as such (for example, Odette and Noel speak about her in the third person when she’s in the room). I’m interested to see more Pokémon come into the story (I have heard tell Odette has a full team) and see their dynamics with the human characters.
Overall—this chapter was really solid and enjoyable! I found that the writing flowed significantly better for me here. I feel like there was some info-dumping that could be trimmed down a bit, but otherwise compelling all the way through!
Okay, now I'm actually here to actually review Ch. 1 (and only meme a little I swear)!
So, smushing this together with my real thoughts of the prologue, I'm enjoying it! Especially as a theatre kid myself! There's a lot of fun dialogue and banter, a good interweaving of Pokémon into a non-battle side of the Pokémon world, and some fun drug killing all of the 1%!
I think my personal "hmmm" moments all came from my proximity to theatre life (which clearly you must also have some experience with), as well as some dialogue choices (where it's just a matter of personal preferences not clicking together).
Seriously, though, you've got a good piece on your hands. I'll only catnip this far, but I'm curious to see where things go from here for sure!
They were silent for a moment, and Odette heard the sound of something being rolled behind her. She turned her head, just in time to catch two of the stagehand machamps moving one of the light props to set on this side of the stage. She snapped twice, alerting their attention.
“Hey!” she whispered. “Stage right, not left. Other side.”
I would have loved a little detail about the Machamp wearing all black!
We'll definitely have to put our heads together wrt theatre experiences (especially if this continues to be a front-and-center theme), but if I were the stage manager of a show and someone snapped backstage, I'd eat them on the spot.
I think this was a little superfluous. In this paragraph in particular, there are a lot of bits of dialogue telling the reader "hey don't worry, this is normal in theatre," but I think you're underestimating your audience with them.
Also, in my experience, an SM would absolutely 100% be on-mic calling all of these cues, or at the very least the trapdoor cue. They may even be right there in the pit to make sure it went off without a hitch.
“Lissssssteeeeen,” Noel insisted, swatting at her. “I was putzing around, looking for some similarities. It’s not much, but so far, ninety percent of the cases have been among people in the wealthier demographic.”
Odette opened her eyes from the half-nap she was taking. It was lunch hour, and she’d decided that if she wasn’t going to eat, she could at least try to nap. She was sprawled out on the stage, using her backpack as a pillow. Her fellow cast and crew, Pokemon and human alike, sat around her, talking amongst themselves about who knows what.
While idk if I've ever witnessed a stage manager eat lunch when us acting plebs were eating lunch, it definitely felt odd for me personally to see an SM sitting around doing nothing.
This Chapter was NOT beta read, so please be gentle in your critiques! 😬
The Lumiose City Police Department was a towering block of a building. Odette had been told countless times the structure was hundreds of years old, and it truthfully still looked the part. Same degraded gray bricks and mansard-style roofs bordered with stone druddigons that glared down upon anybody who dared draw near. A huge stone arch surrounded the front double doors, which opened and closed as people arrived and left. She brushed arms with maybe five or six people before actually going inside. She hoped her grandpa wouldn’t be too swamped to meet.
As she eyed the enormous LCPD emblem etched into the shiny tiles of the front lobby, she briefly recalled how she used to skip laps around the perimeter of that same emblem when she was younger. She spent some of her time off from school here when her mother was too busy with professor work, and her nana was off coordinating Pokemon contests or coaching some poor soul in them. Bernard would bring her along, and she’d follow him around the office like a baby ducklett, watching him do his police business while he reminded her that the world wasn’t always so fine and dandy and why she needed to stay alert and observant.
To make sure she was doubly aware, he’d enroll her in some peewee self-defense classes, the curriculum ranging from saying no to strangers and, if that didn’t work, how to break out of bindings or how to disarm an attacker. The classes got more intense as she got older, eventually tapering off into a gun defense class that landed her a permit to handle a concealed firearm. It was only then that she realized the master plan behind him bringing her along to his work as often as he did, and she supposed it made sense. The overprotective cop must ensure his granddaughter is equipped to handle anything nefarious.
At the very least, she could say she wouldn’t be able to read the world as well as she did had she not spent so much time here. She owed him that much.
***
“Look how big you’ve gotten!”
“Same ol’ braids, huh?”
“Good to see ya, Little Cinq-Mars!”
“You're still so small!"
It was the same thing every time she visited, no matter how long it’d been. Bombardment of greetings from her grandpa's coworkers, human and Pokemon alike. All the “how’ve you been’s” and “you look great’s” came one after another as she walked through the lines of desks spread out through the third floor. She couldn’t help but notice that some of them still spoke to her like she was six, but she guessed that was just out of habit. She hadn’t grown a lot since then, anyway. Nonetheless, she flashed her typical half smile as she waved and engaged in slight small talk as she walked.
As the chief of police, Bernard got his own office at the back of the space. The bulletproof window flashed his full name, and it was fitted with a heavy wood door that he could open and close as he pleased. Such a luxury in a place like this. For now, it stood open, and he was leaning on the door frame.
“What a surprise,” he chuckled when she approached. Despite his bright smile and laugh, she could see the sleepiness on his face.
“I’m full of them,” Odette said. She didn’t bother to wait for a response before going in for a hug, and Bernard didn’t hesitate to return it.
“What brings you by here? I figured you’d still be in class at this time,” he said when he let her go.
She shrugged. “Maybe I skipped,” she said. “Don’t arrest me.” She brushed past him and sat in one of the leather chairs in front of his desk, throwing her bag and helmet into the empty one next to it. Her eyes then travelled to the corner, where Bernard’s trusted arcanine friend, Toulouse, lay curled up, fast asleep. He blew smoke out of his nose every exhale, indicating it was quite a deep sleep. She frowned nonetheless.
“T didn’t come to kiss me. I’m sad,” she whined.
Bernard watched her with a raised brow before shaking his head and nudging the door shut. “He’s dead tired, so I’m letting him rest. The lucky bugger,” he said as he trudged back to his seat. He had an abnormal sway in his step, which told her he was certainly on the verge of collapse. He threw himself down into the swivel chair, and a deep yawn escaped him.
“I might be stating the obvious, but you look exhausted. You should go curl up with him.”
Bernard began to rub his face, taking special care of his eyes. The bags that had started to form around them were practically screaming at her.
“What gave it away?”
She wanted to say so much but decided to keep her answer simple. “I really had to look you over, but I think it’s your gait.”
He smiled to himself as he shook his head. “You got me.”
Odette flashed her own smile before she dove her hands into her bag again. “I have something that will help, though.”
“Seeing that helmet wakes me up enough,” Bernard said. “It terrifies me that you’re still driving around on that damn bike.”
She scoffed to herself. She pulled a plastic bag containing snacks out and dropped it on his desk, hoping the sight of it would deter him from the lecture she knew was coming. He gave her some version of it every time he saw her helmet or even the motorcycle itself. People die on those things every day. I’m not worried about you, I’m worried about other drivers not seeing you. I’ll look into helping you get a car instead if that’s how you want to get around…
“What’s scarier? Me driving a motorcycle or flying around on a Pokemon? The drop is much farther down if I were on a Pokemon, just saying.”
“People die from falling off their Pokemon less than they do crashing bikes,” Bernard said pointedly.
“Well, thank the gods I’ve never crashed.”
With that, she began to empty the contents from the bag: two bottles of Moomoo milk and a large pack of Oreos. Bernard’s face lit up, as expected.
“Can I tempt you not to lecture me with these?”
He was already opening the box. “For now.”
They each plucked a cookie from the box. Odette held hers between both hands, prepping to pull it open, and he did the same. They eyed one another, an air of friendly competitiveness starting to fill the office space.
“One,” Odette said.
“Two,” Bernard counted.
“Three,” they said in unison before pulling the stacked cookies apart. They both eyed the pieces with the cream filling still squished against them. Odette frowned when she saw that this particular piece was very stingy on the filling.
“Mine’s small,” she whined.
“Mine takes up the whole thing,” Bernard grinned. He showed the cookie to her, and the filling circle indeed covered it almost entirely to the edge.
“I win.” He then bit into it.
Odette slumped against the back of her chair, taking a reluctant bite of hers. “Law enforcement’s luck,” she grumbled. “I’ll get you next time.”
“Whatever you say,” Bernard said, opening his milk bottle and taking a sip from it. “So, are you going to tell me why you skipped class?”
“I’m sticking it to the man and the establishment of education.”
Bernard’s brow raised. “Sticking it to the man by leaving school and...visiting a police station?”
Odette finished off her Oreo and leaned to grab another one. “I never said my logic wasn’t flawed, Grandpa.”
He offered a half smile. “And the real reason?”
“I had an exhibition in battle class today, and my opponent was...bad.”
“So you won? That’s hardly a reason to skip, then.”
She shook her head as she pulled the cookie apart. “No, it wasn’t like that.” She paused. “I mean, we did win, but when I say bad, I mean...bad bad. Like, you should lock him up downstairs bad.”
She didn't remember him being so...threatening in secondary school. Or as insufferable. She knew people changed after graduating, and she supposed changing for the worse was always possible.
Bernard leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. The look in his eyes signalled that had caught his interest. “That’s mildly concerning coming from you. Why is that?”
She shoved the entire empty half of the cookie in her mouth, deciding to start poking the beartic. She couldn't come out and ask him about what she'd found out, but she could damn well start dropping some lines.
“Well, for starters, his family’s in the shiny trade. That alone should get them thrown in prison.”
Bernard rolled his eyes and rubbed his left temple. He didn't give away any implication that this information might have bothered him. He was too damn good at acting like nothing was wrong here. “I’m not entirely in disagreement there, Swanna,” he huffed. “Unfortunately, that would get me sued.”
“Why’d you have to be a law enforcer instead of a lawmaker?” Odette groused.
“Even if I were a lawmaker, I doubt I’d be able to do much,” he said. “The ones that have been in office have been trying to get the trade abolished since you were in Vienna’s stomach.”
She pursed her lips in disdain. Twenty-two years of trying to get that establishment overturned, and nothing? And shiny involvement in the sacrilege crisis was getting swept under the rug? There were pieces here, and she couldn't make them fit.
“Does that not concern you?” she asked.
“Everything in this region concerns me, hun,” Bernard said solemnly. “But I’m only one person.”
“Right,” she relented. “Your focus is on the sacrilege issue right now, anyway.”
He sipped lazily from his milk bottle before another yawn sounded from him. “I take it you watched the news this morning.”
“And read every article about it before that,” she corrected. “When are you supposed to go home and sleep? Nana’s going to wig out if you don’t.”
“Hopefully, right after you leave. We have a little more debriefing, but I’ll be home to her before she knows it.”
She cautiously began to work at the cap of her own milk bottle, considering how she wanted to piece together her next question. This time, she decided to tread a little closer to bluntness.
“Anything the news isn’t telling us?” she asked.
Bernard shot her a knowing yet warning look. “The news knows just as much as I do,” he said. “I’ll just be reiterating what’s been said if you start drilling me. And even if I did know certain profound things that haven't been disclosed yet, who said I could tell you?”
She frowned. "That hasn't stopped you in the past," she muttered defiantly. "You told me about the new side effects they discovered. And about a few cases before they went public."
“Let's not forget the nuance of those instances, though. I only chose to inform you of things because they were being told to the press not long after," he said sternly, holding up a finger. "Anything else? I have to stay tight-lipped, even to my precious, eager granddaughter."
That was pretty much the expected response. What she'd found was far from little. She supposed it was worth a shot, but a shot that would inevitably miss. Scrubbing files hardly seemed like something they'd want to drop to the press any time soon, no matter the reason.
With a heavy sigh, Bernard bowed his head. "Look, Swanna,” he said earnestly. He leaned over the desk, pushing some papers aside and setting down the bottle to fold his hands together. “There’s nothing even to say. Anything the press knows is stuff we know, and anything the press doesn’t know is stuff we’re still determining if it’s worth knowing. Which...isn’t much,” he explained. He then lowered his voice. “But that’s about all I have for you.”
She'd be impressed with that performance if it didn't royally piss her off. He sat back and began to rub his temple again.
“Why are you so interested in this anyway?”
Odette mimicked his sitting stance. “Because it’s you,” she said. “You’re tired all the time, and you seem stressed.” At least that part was true.
His eyes on her softened up a little. In fact, he even smiled again. Feeling a sense of bashfulness coming over her, Odette shrugged her shoulders and averted her gaze off to her left.
“That aside, I wouldn’t be surprised if my opponent in class today was getting high with his Pokemon on sacrilege," she shot back, forcing the feeling to pass and keep the conversation going.
The smile flew off Bernard’s face, and he held his hands up defensively. “And you didn’t start with that why?”
“Well, it’s a hunch. Kind of. I saw something.”
“What kind of hunch? What did you see?”
She crossed her legs and began to twiddle her thumbs, taking a moment to recall the incident in as much detail as her brain would allow. Dorien’s words, his stances, his looks. He spoke in such a dark way. Like he meant everything that came out of his mouth. And how he smiled at her so soullessly, how the light drained from his eyes...everything about it screamed wrong. And that was on him alone.
She couldn't very well tell Bernard she was also deducing that Dorien's involvement in the shiny trade was leading him to sacrilege, but she figured that would be enough for now.
“It was...the way he stared at me when we were battling. And his Pokemon? He had an excadrill partner, and it was too powerful. It took Ange out in an Earthquake. It was so well aimed, it was scary. You can't fucking aim Earthquake like that. There's no magnitude high enough for that kind of control,” she explained. "Then, then, then, his conkeldurr--"
"Odette--" Bernard tried to cut her off, but she kept talking.
"He went straight for Ange, and Ange fainted. He wasn't fighting. Went straight for him, drooling. Dorien even said something about having fresh meat, and I didn't even know conkeldurr were fucking carnivores, I just--"
"Odette."
She stopped talking and glanced back at her grandfather. She took notice at the way his demeanor had changed. Eyes slightly narrowed, shoulders somewhat tense, hand on his computer keyboard. He was in his information-gathering mode, it seemed. It made her feel at least a little better that he was listening to her in the slightest, even though he'd cut her off.
"Slow down," he said. "You sound frantic, and we don't think clearly when we're frantic."
Odette exhaled sharply, slowing the gears in her head. "I'm slow. I'm calm."
"I'm going to need a deeper breath than that."
She obliged. He nodded and gestured for her to keep talking. "Alright. Continue."
She was quiet for a moment to consider where to begin from. "You know how psychopaths are? How they can turn off and on?" she asked. "We started talking before class, and everything was fine. But he progressively got more and more off. Then during the battle, it was like an entire mood shift," she explained. She brought her finger up to her braid and began fiddling with it. Her eyes moved to Bernard's wall of plaques, and she began to look them over while she allowed herself to speak.
"Like, something just shut off. His look was different, his voice was different. Different person. There were even points where it felt like he was trying to grate on me. Threaten me."
She stopped talking, only to allow her words to stew in Bernard's brain for a second. When he didn't respond, she finally stared back at him. She was confident in her own show right there, and it seemed to be getting to him.
“It's something I dwelled on a lot on my ride over. I know people are besting move power all the time, so maybe it's nothing but...” she trailed off. "It bothered me a little."
"A little," Bernard said in a breath as he rested his chin in his hand, tapping his fingers against his cheek. It looked like he was truly considering her words, and the next thing she knew, he was logging into his computer.
“What was this person’s name?”
She cringed. “Dorien Bonhomme.”
Bernard paused. It was quick, but a pause nonetheless. With a short huff, he pursed his lips questioningly. "Dorien? You mean that chemistry boy you were always hanging around with?"
Odette's cringe didn't waver. "Yeah, that's him."
Bernard nodded slowly. "Wondered what happened to him. Now I guess I understand."
She watched him do some typing, clicking through every now and then. She watched as he bobbed his head, muttered to himself, and squinted. She couldn’t tell exactly what he was doing, but she had at least an inkling of an idea that he was looking into her concern.
“Hm, well,” he said after a few minutes. “What you described does sound peculiar. Enough to warrant some concern in me. However, unless we catch Mr. Bonhomme with sacrilege in his possession, I can't do much with this for the moment. The most I can do is have somebody look into keeping an eye on him. You're free to do that as you wish, as long as you steer clear."
She didn’t know why she was expecting a little more to come out of that, but she wasn’t sure what else there was there to do. There wasn’t much even the LCPD chief of police could do without a photo or video evidence of Dorien snorting sacrilege with his Pokemon pals in the bathroom. She supposed it was enough that Bernard was taking her claim even remotely seriously.
“You still have your gun just in case, right?” he asked.
Odette released a gruff breath. “Locked up under my bed, yeah.”
“Well, it’s not going to do much there, is it?”
“Considering I have a friend that will bite somebody’s head off if I flash him a pecha berry and tell him to, the gun seems sort of redundant.”
Bernard flexed his lips, and Odette braced for a different lecture. Not one related to her motorcycle safety, but one related to her Pokemon safety. And this time, she wasn’t getting out of it.
“And what will you do if you can’t get your pokeball out in time?”
She stared at him with a deadpan expression. “We had the voice activation keys installed on them for that reason.”
“And if they malfunction? And you have to reboot the ball? Or, gods forbid, something happens to your Pokemon once they’re out? Then what? I’d trust Toulouse in a pickle before anything else, but they train the force to use guns for a reason...”
She waved her hand at him dismissively. “Yeah, yeah.”
She then noticed that his expression had grown serious again and wasn’t letting up. She reluctantly sipped from her milk, biding her time before she had to speak again.
“If you must know, I’m also keeping it locked up for the safety of my fellow Kalos citizens,” she said. She brought the bottle back to her mouth. “I’ve been flaring up a lot lately,” she muttered into the glass.
His response was slow. “Should I be worried? Do we need to look into you going back to therapy?”
She began to bite the rim of the bottle mindlessly. She counted the number of times she’d gotten mad at something in the past twenty-four hours.
There were a couple of little things that happened at rehearsal yesterday, then the street racers. That was the biggest one of the day. Her Pokemon’s shenanigans when she got home were another small instance. Then just that morning, she’d missed a light on the way to school and beat her fist on her handlebar so hard that she almost broke her broken handle. Then there was the whole Dorien fiasco. She got really mad there. That would probably go down as the biggest one of the day. Then, she almost lost it on the guy in front of her at the poke center who was insisting the poor nurse didn’t heal his Pokemon all the way…
So, a lot. There was a lot. About on the same level as what used to happen before...thatthing happening.
"I don't think any therapist has said anything I haven't already heard."
"Well, repetition helps, you know. And meds are off the table..."
That got a scoff out of her. "They were never on the table to begin with, Grandpa. My body's fucked up as it is." A pause. "I'm just fucked up as it is."
She'd always been a quiet, well-behaved kid most of the time. But, when she exploded? The schoolyard fights and tantrums were abundant. It was troubling enough that it scared her mother and grandparents. Doctor visits chalked it up to anger management issues resulting from a certain hormone deficiency--the same hormone that left her so underdeveloped and somehow caused the mutation that left her with red eyes--as the doctors had put it. They put her on medication for a while, but all it did was exacerbate her health problems.
"Honey, don't say that," Bernard sighed sympathetically. "You can't help the things you were born with."
Bernard always did what he could to help keep her under control. She was always fine when she did things she liked, and she'd learned to play off his calm demeanor. That worked out for a while.
"Sure, but we've seen the shit I do when I'm too pressed. You can only pin so much of that on a hormone problem," Odette grumbled.
She remembered her last day of preschool, right before they moved out of Brackish Town. Some asshole kid in her class kicked a wild bidoof for walking off with the playground soccer ball, and she lost it on him for being so cruel. She'd only meant to twist his hand until he cried, but she couldn't control herself. She could still vividly remember how red her vision had gotten, and she snapped his finger in the heat of the moment.
The school wanted her barred from attending future grades, that being the straw that broke the camerupt's back. It didn't matter then because her family was already in the process of moving out to the city.
Nonetheless, she also remembered how hard she cried about it. She had never cried that hard. Ever.
"Which is why I think it helps to talk to somebody, especially after what you've been through. It's helped in the past, has it not?"
Bernard, Marieanne, and Vienna ultimately decided she needed help after the move. That led to years of visiting a psychiatrist every week, and it was that guidance that ultimately led her to take dance and, eventually, singing lessons. Ways to "hone her emotions" as it had been put in the sessions.
Adding to the occasional trainer school, her tantrums faded into virtual obscurity. Once in a blue moon, she’d crack. But she never broke another person’s finger again.
"I guess so," she said.
Now that all of her extracurriculars had become a source of stress for her, it seemed her tantrums had returned for old times' sake. Taking up more trainer school was barely helping, and being on the sidelines of a performance was probably only making it worse. All because of that thing. That stupid thing.
It was too much to ask for her to be okay, right?
Maybe Bernard had a point. Maybe therapy would be the move again.
She’d stopped going a few months ago because the thought of spending an hour discussing her feelings was giving her more anxiety than she currently needed to be piled on. She wasn't five anymore; she couldn't be coaxed into talking with snacks and a cool puzzle. Nowadays, she'd rather keep to herself.
She shook her head. “But it’s not that bad right now,” she said. “I'm just saying. And I’m just playing it safe.”
Bernard didn’t like that answer. Odette briefly thought he would let it go, but she knew better.
“Are you sure? Is there something else bothering you? I told you if you just wanted to focus on trainer school for now, I would help you out. You didn’t have to take that job at the cent--”
She held up a hand to silence him. “It’s not like that,” she said reassuringly. “I was making a subtle observation, and like a responsible gun owner, I’m dealing with it accordingly. And I’m fine with the way things are.”
He sighed deeply. Very deeply. Which told Odette he still wasn’t convinced. She wasn’t necessarily shocked because the apple never fell far from the tree.
“I’m still worried about you, Swanna,” he said. “I know you say you’re fine, and it has been over a year since everything happened, but...maybe you could try focusing on something completely new?” he suggested. “If trainer school isn’t helping, take time off. Quit your job. Go travel. Have an adventure in another region.”
“I’m moving to Alola in three months, so that’s checked.”
He narrowed his eyes at her. “Not what I meant. But fine.” He tapped his fingers against the desk. “Then quit your job and do an internship here. I’ll put you and your observational skills to work. You should just get away from performing arts for a while. Focus on something else.”
She’d barely had enough time to start considering his words when somebody knocked at the closed door. She instinctively whipped her head around to face it as Bernard yelled, “It’s open!”
The door swung open, and one of the younger cops shyly poked his head in.
“Uh, sorry to bother you, chief. It’s not urgent, we just need you to come look at something real quick.”
Odette exchanged looks with Bernard, and he stood up. “Hold that thought. I’ll be back in a second.”
“No rush,” she said. She watched as they walked out the door, and Bernard pulled the door closed behind him, leaving her to the quietness of the confined space.
Focus on something else, he’d said. Truthfully, he had a point.
Her exposure therapy wasn’t doing her any favors. Training school was a temporary fix until she had to get up in front of the class and show off her skills. She’d only gotten away with it today because she was so pissed off at Dorien that she couldn’t see straight.
She grabbed a couple more Oreos and tossed one in her mouth, not bothering to break it up into bites. Her eyes darted around the office, taking in all the familiar plaques, pictures, and posters Bernard had hung up all over the grey-blue walls. Pictures of him with his human squad, his Pokemon squad, some awards, and medals.
Her eyes then fell back toward the desk, where he had his horde of family photos out and about for all to see. The one that appeared front and center was a photo of him, cleanly shaven, with no sign of gray in his black head of hair, carrying her as a toddler. She had his police hat on, but it was too big, so it dangled off the side of her head. It was his favorite out of all of them; he gushed about it whenever he could. Those were happier times before she became such a menace.
She stared at it for a while, letting his words run laps around her brain. He’d suggested travelling, but with such a big move happening so soon, there was no point. Quitting her job at the point she was at seemed like a dick move regarding the rest of the cast. But if she was thinking in terms of herself and her own mentality, Bernard was right. Getting away from a performing arts setting would most likely be best, and taking on some mundane internship here didn’t seem like a--
Her eyes travelled down to the papers on the desk that Bernard had pushed aside earlier. She straightened her posture to get a better look at them. She noticed a couple of sheets of copy paper, some printouts containing marked-up calendars, and an open envelope with what looked to be...a wax seal?
Her brow furrowed. She peered over her shoulder at the closed door and then the window. The accordion blinds were shut so that nobody could see into the office. She glanced at Toulouse, who had barely moved since she sat down. He was the heaviest sleeping arcanine she’d ever met, and this time, she was thankful for that.
She pursed her lips and stared back at the envelope. The longer she stared at that splotch of pink on the point of the open flap, the more she was positive it was a wax seal. Who the fuck closed their letters with wax seals nowadays? It seemed like such a waste of time.
Nonetheless, when she was positive nobody was headed back, she quietly stood up and grabbed it. With the envelope now in her hands, it was clear that this wasn’t just a standard post office envelope. The paper was aged to a fine yellowish tint and felt thicker than most normal paper. She ran her fingers along the edge of it, flipping it over a few times in search of a return address. She was somewhat surprised to find there was none. Just the letter “B” printed in thick cursive on the front.
She eventually examined the seal. It was still intact, with streaks of silver running through the pastel pink hue. The acronym “V.C.” was stamped into it. The flap of the letter was already open, so she pushed it up, only to see that the note the envelope housed had been haphazardly folded back inside. Her grandfather had already opened and read it, so she wouldn’t be tampering with much if she took a peek.
Once again, she glanced back at the door, pausing to make sure nobody was about to walk in, then at Toulouse. She waited for him to blow another round of smoke out of his nose before pulling the letter out.
Upon unfolding it, she was somewhat shocked to find that the note wasn’t written in elegant cursive or print. No, it looked like it had been typed out on a typewriter or something. She supposed she was somewhat grateful for that because she couldn’t read cursive to save her life.
Bernard,
Your and your men’s cooperation has proven most helpful. I have my best people stationed within our prime suspect's circles and have gathered far more insight into Team Enigma's happenings. Keep doing what you are doing with your efforts and the press, and we’ll be in touch before the next meeting.
J.L. Ménétries Virtue Corp.
The longer she stared at the words, the less it made sense. It was such a short note, yet there was so much throwing her for a loop. Cooperation? Suspects? Team Enigma? The press? Virtue Corp?
She read it once, twice, three times, and she still couldn’t make it make sense. Certainly, it seemed like this correspondence had been happening for a while. She’d just intercepted a response of some sort, and she was suddenly dying to see what her grandfather had said in the first place. Hell, what if he was in the middle of writing back to this one? She stood up again and began digging through the pile of papers on the desk. Her search was fruitless, and she slammed herself back into the chair again.
She cringed at the sound it made, and her gaze moved back to Toulouse. He whined in his sleep and slumped over onto his side, and that was that. She exhaled in relief.
This was information she didn’t know she needed or even wanted. It was raising more questions than answers.
Before she could even think twice about what she was doing, she had her phone out and was snapping a picture of the note.
“Bzzzzzt! Taking pictures of letters? Bzzzzzt!” RotomPhone commented.
“Shhhh!” she shushed harshly, pointing to the sleeping fire dog. “Send to Noel Massé.”
“Woops, sorry! Bzzzzzt!” the phone said, mimicking a whisper. “Sending to Noel Massé.”
She shoved the phone back into her bag and zipped it up for good measure. She went back to looking over the note, examining each and every letter, and even the paper itself. On the hunt for something else out of the ordinary, something else that would make this even more bizarre.
The sound of the doorknob clicking snapped her back to reality.
She scrambled to get the note back inside the envelope. It was haphazardly placed to start, so she wasn’t too worried about making it neat. She practically threw it back toward the area where she found it and shuffled a couple of papers around to make it look as close to how it’d been when she initially spotted it. Her butt was barely back in the chair when the door fully opened. She shoved two more Oreos in her mouth for good measure.
“Yeah, don’t worry about it, I’ll sign off on that,” Bernard said from the door. Odette turned around to see that his hand was on the knob, he had the door open, but his entire body was facing the other direction. She took a couple of quiet breaths, hoping to slow her heartbeat.
Somebody outside the office made a comment, and Bernard laughed to himself. “Good one,” he added before turning and nudging the door behind him.
“Sorry,” he apologized. “Work stuff, you know?”
She chewed casually, swallowing after a moment. “Hey, I interrupted you today. I don’t mind.”
He sat back down and picked up a few more cookies for himself. “What was I saying before I left?” he asked. He paused to think, then his eyes lit up momentarily. “Oh, right.” He bit into a cookie and chewed it for a beat before swallowing it. “You. Finding something else to do with yourself. Keep your mind busy with other things.”
My mind is certainly fucking busy right now, she thought dazedly.
It was there that her backpack started vibrating.
“Bzzzt! Incoming call from Noel Massé!” the RotomPhone said. The material of the bag muffled it.
Odette cursed internally, but she didn’t let that anger show.
“Send to voicemail,” she said. RotomPhone stopped buzzing after that.
Bernard eyed her thoughtfully. “You don’t have to hang up, pretend I’m not even here.”
She shook her head almost too hard. “No, it’s alright. He knows I’m visiting you.”
Once again, the backpack started buzzing again.
“Bzzzt! Incoming call from Noel Massé!”
I’m going to kick his ass, she thought.
Bernard smirked at her. “Well, it seems important enough that he’s willing to call anyway.”
She rolled her eyes, deciding she needed to act fast.
“Yeah, I told him we would meet for lunch after I got off school and visited you, but he’s so goddamn impatient,” she said, pushing the exasperated tone. “I’ll get out of your hair and go sate him. The faster I leave, the faster you can go home.”
She stood. “Send to voicemail,” she said again as she shouldered her bag. Bernard stood too, and he went in for the hug first.
“Think about what I said,” he told her as they embraced.
“I will,” she said, sounding sincere. “You’re right. Getting my mind into a different place will be good for me.”
That time, he appeared to buy her answer. He let her go, allowing her to grab her helmet. She walked toward the door, turning back for one final wave as she pulled it open.
“Bzzzt! Incoming call from Noel Massé!”
“Bye, Grandpa,” she said.
“Bye, Swanna.”
She pulled the door shut behind her and had to stop herself from bolting for the elevator.
I left a comment on CH 2 over at FFN, so I'll comment on 3 and 4. Overall, it's nice to be checking this out, since you've talked a lot about it.
Chapter 3
|I'm glad to see that the police don't rely on civilians to do police work, unlike in canon games. That's why beyond maybe one or two chapters(excluding removed/re-written scenes/altered scenes), you won't see the cast in my fic running into gangsters or anything like that. That's a job for the police.
Shiny trade, eh? Sounds like something organized crime would be heavily involved in. Can't really blame Odette for wanting to go off. I think a lot of people would go off about that, because that sounds really shitty to begin with. One of my first, if not my first thought, was trafficking.
Chapter 4
Nice to see Odette and her grandpa interacting, but you'd think that they'd know who she is without an ID. She's the chief's granddaughter, after all.
Bernard pursed his lips, before nodding almost knowingly. “ The ‘Bonhomme’ surname and ‘shiny trade’ usually tend to come hand in hand.”
I presume that the name's well known for one reason or another, but the fact that this man's the police chief raises a few questions. I get the feeling that the trade isn't exactly that legitimate. It feels like a magnet for organized crime, and we've already seen that with the whole drug gang plot.
In the real world, the American Mafia has had a tendency to stay away from drugs due to all the heat it can bring. Can't say the same about the syndicates in Italy itself.
Something that immediately stuck out to me is--despite the otherwise modern time frame--is the old-fashioned aspect of this group. I first noticed this with the grunts referring to their leader as "majesty," but they also appear to have some kind of strict moral code. The grunts adhere to rigid training, even having a "memorized code of apology". With their legendary Pokemon representing the seven traditional sins, that only adds to the vibe.
Yes, yes! This was the vibe I was sort of going for, so I'm super happy you caught it! The thing kinda going on here is Florent see's himself as a king, his underlings see him as a king, and overall this cult team kinda acts on that.
For the writing, I had sections I appreciated, but throughout I noticed that your writing tended to feel bloated. I can pinpoint two sources for this: filler words and unneeded narration.
Yeeeaaaah that's definitelty my little Achilles heel when it comes to writing. I tend to get a little too flowery with my language and bloat my paragraphs as a result--my English teachers really drilled into my head "longer=better!" and I'm suffering to this day. However, I did make some edits based on your thoughts, so I really appreciate that!
Though this chapter is far away from the blood-powered legendaries and nefarious masterminds in the prologue, I was impressed with the way it continued the momentum of the story.
Bless the HELL up, I'm soooooooooo happy to hear this! You're one of the first people to review the bridge between the prologue and chapter 1 since I rewrote it. The original problem with the original chapter 1 was that I tried to pull back on the action a little and ended up pulling back too much, resulting in kind of a drag of a chapter. I went in for a rewrite, aiming to raise the stakes a little more, but still kind of keep it rolling. So I am absolutely stoked that you think it does that, truly!
Honestly, I feel like I could read a relatively mundane story about her working through her feelings with her coworkers serving as quirky side characters. After reading this, I began thinking about how Odette would react to what’s inevitably coming to her in this fic; how her current struggles will alter/intertwine when Team Enigma comes back into the action.
This made my year, thank you. I'm always worried about how I characterize her, so I really appreciate this. Tbh I'm also thinking about how she's going to react when Team Enigma starts riding her ass, because wow, she's in for a bad time lmfao
I assume you stopped reading after chapter 1, but there is an introduction to Odette's full team in 2, and a battle in 3. I have come to notice that Pokemon are sort of functioning in the background in these few chapters, but I do have a lot of plans for them coming up, when we start getting into the meat of everything.
I think this was a little superfluous. In this paragraph in particular, there are a lot of bits of dialogue telling the reader "hey don't worry, this is normal in theatre," but I think you're underestimating your audience with them.
Also, in my experience, an SM would absolutely 100% be on-mic calling all of these cues, or at the very least the trapdoor cue. They may even be right there in the pit to make sure it went off without a hitch.
I can see that, I do tend to overexplain a little. And for sure, she'd normally be calling the cues, but I more or less had it in my head that they were doing like a full-blown dress rehearsal (even tho they weren't in costume lmfao details) so she was kinda trying to stay quiet (save for the fact she snapped at the Machamp's, should probs go back and change that!)
While idk if I've ever witnessed a stage manager eat lunch when us acting plebs were eating lunch, it definitely felt odd for me personally to see an SM sitting around doing nothing.
I could see that, I've kinda been in both scenarios where the SM was vibing, or where the SM never stopped moving until rehearsal ended. I guess I'm kinda leaning toward the narrative that there's a small part of Odette that really doesn't want to be there, so she's choosing to vibe.
You might have missed this in the first couple of paragraphs, but I touch on this! Odette initially notices that the clerk is new, and becomes annoyed when he doesn't automatically wave her in:
She typically recognized the front desk clerks, but it either had truly been a long while since she was last here, or he must have been new.
“How can I help you?” he asked, clearly putting on his best customer service voice.
“I’m here for Bernard Cinq-Mars,” Odette replied. The clerk shot her a doubtful look as he flipped open what looked to be a planner.
“Do you have an appointment?”
It took everything in her to not groan outright. One of the perks of being here so often in the past was that everybody knew who she was. The clerks she was familiar with would always wave her through after confirming Bernard was in his office. Now, she’d have to explain to this newbie how that protocol worked. Not the worst thing in the world, but a hassle no less.
I presume that the name's well known for one reason or another, but the fact that this man's the police chief raises a few questions. I get the feeling that the trade isn't exactly that legitimate. It feels like a magnet for organized crime, and we've already seen that with the whole drug gang plot.
This is also something I touch on in this chapter! From the conversations Odette has with Dorien in chapter 3, and Bernard here in chapter 4, I'm trying to establish that the shiny trade is indeed legitimate and legal, however, most people do not want it to be. Because while it is legitimate and legal, it most definitely should not be. And there seems to be people in power that are keeping it in effect. As the conversation between Odette and Bernard goes:
She shoved the entire empty half of the cookie in her mouth. “Well for starters, his family’s in the shiny trade. That alone should get them thrown in prison.”
Bernard rolled his eyes and rubbed his left temple. “I’m not entirely in disagreement there, Swanna,” he huffed. “Unfortunately, that would get me sued.”
“Why’d you have to be a law enforcer instead of a lawmaker?” Odette sighed.
“Even if I were a lawmaker, I doubt I’d be able to do much,” he said. “The ones that have been in office have been trying to get the trade abolished since you were in Vienna’s stomach.”
Heeeeeeyyyy some responses to some nice reviews! Thank you guys! <3
Equitial:
Yes, yes! This was the vibe I was sort of going for, so I'm super happy you caught it! The thing kinda going on here is Florent see's himself as a king, his underlings see him as a king, and overall this cult team kinda acts on that.
Yeeeaaaah that's definitelty my little Achilles heel when it comes to writing. I tend to get a little too flowery with my language and bloat my paragraphs as a result--my English teachers really drilled into my head "longer=better!" and I'm suffering to this day. However, I did make some edits based on your thoughts, so I really appreciate that!
Bless the HELL up, I'm soooooooooo happy to hear this! You're one of the first people to review the bridge between the prologue and chapter 1 since I rewrote it. The original problem with the original chapter 1 was that I tried to pull back on the action a little and ended up pulling back too much, resulting in kind of a drag of a chapter. I went in for a rewrite, aiming to raise the stakes a little more, but still kind of keep it rolling. So I am absolutely stoked that you think it does that, truly!
This made my year, thank you. I'm always worried about how I characterize her, so I really appreciate this. Tbh I'm also thinking about how she's going to react when Team Enigma starts riding her ass, because wow, she's in for a bad time lmfao
I assume you stopped reading after chapter 1, but there is an introduction to Odette's full team in 2, and a battle in 3. I have come to notice that Pokemon are sort of functioning in the background in these few chapters, but I do have a lot of plans for them coming up, when we start getting into the meat of everything.
Homestar!:
OHHHH GOOD POINT, I DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT WOW. GALAXY BRAIN.
I can see that, I do tend to overexplain a little. And for sure, she'd normally be calling the cues, but I more or less had it in my head that they were doing like a full-blown dress rehearsal (even tho they weren't in costume lmfao details) so she was kinda trying to stay quiet (save for the fact she snapped at the Machamp's, should probs go back and change that!)
I could see that, I've kinda been in both scenarios where the SM was vibing, or where the SM never stopped moving until rehearsal ended. I guess I'm kinda leaning toward the narrative that there's a small part of Odette that really doesn't want to be there, so she's choosing to vibe.
BossCar:
You might have missed this in the first couple of paragraphs, but I touch on this! Odette initially notices that the clerk is new, and becomes annoyed when he doesn't automatically wave her in:
She typically recognized the front desk clerks, but it either had truly been a long while since she was last here, or he must have been new.
“How can I help you?” he asked, clearly putting on his best customer service voice.
“I’m here for Bernard Cinq-Mars,” Odette replied. The clerk shot her a doubtful look as he flipped open what looked to be a planner.
“Do you have an appointment?”
It took everything in her to not groan outright. One of the perks of being here so often in the past was that everybody knew who she was. The clerks she was familiar with would always wave her through after confirming Bernard was in his office. Now, she’d have to explain to this newbie how that protocol worked. Not the worst thing in the world, but a hassle no less.
This is also something I touch on in this chapter! From the conversations Odette has with Dorien in chapter 3, and Bernard here in chapter 4, I'm trying to establish that the shiny trade is indeed legitimate and legal, however, most people do not want it to be. Because while it is legitimate and legal, it most definitely should not be. And there seems to be people in power that are keeping it in effect. As the conversation between Odette and Bernard goes:
She shoved the entire empty half of the cookie in her mouth. “Well for starters, his family’s in the shiny trade. That alone should get them thrown in prison.”
Bernard rolled his eyes and rubbed his left temple. “I’m not entirely in disagreement there, Swanna,” he huffed. “Unfortunately, that would get me sued.”
“Why’d you have to be a law enforcer instead of a lawmaker?” Odette sighed.
“Even if I were a lawmaker, I doubt I’d be able to do much,” he said. “The ones that have been in office have been trying to get the trade abolished since you were in Vienna’s stomach.”
Shiny seller guy is doing a lot. He's a lot. 
