Flyg0n
Flygon connoisseur
- Pronouns
- She/her
- Partners
-
Blitz time! I will preface by saying that I didn't see until Ch 3 that you mentioned already being aware of tense flipping. So uh... I'll mention a few I noticed but they're not a big deal hah. ignore the ones you're already aware of. I am also so guilty of this esp in my oneshot so I feel your pain so much.
Anyways I'll give some line by lines for each chapter and some general commentary. There will be a few grammar/spelling typos but you shouldn't think of them as a big deal but a 'just in case no one mentioned this'; as I really dig the story as a whole. Hopefully they don't sound too nitpicky!
I think a colon would be appropiate right after the 'was' btw
Thus its: "language," he realized.
(assuming third person past tense?)
I have to say, while reading the premise I thought it was fun and certainly an excellent concept but wasn't sure I'd really like it! Purely personally I never had a particular interest in Turo or Sada, nor do I consider myself an enjoyer of romance very often. (Not because theres anything wrong with the genre, I am just stubborn and picky)
I was wrong.
The way you write Turo right from the get go got me interested in him. He comes off as both awkward and burning with curiosity and maybe just a touch reckless or unhinged, yet undoubtedly knowledgeable about certain niches. Very accurate to the scientist vibe. Also he feels so very human in his portrayal. I found myself really drawn in to him. No world ending conflicts or huge plot, just a guy who really want to try out a time machine and oopsie! went too far back.
Also I appreciate that you wasted absolutely no time jumping into the best bits, because really we're here to see disaster professor time travel and meet Sada. Speaking of, Sada is also surprisingly delightful, even in their first encounter. Without ever directly acknowledging it, there's the seeds of a budding relationship and mutual interest beginning to form between them. I found myself actually really into seeing more of them and their interactions, which is great for a first chapter.
I find all these little anecdotes so amusing. At the end of the day, humans are still humans, even a hudnred thousand years into the future.
But also good to know centuries and millenia from now, annoying coworkers will still be a thing
This was a very funny and relatable exchange though.
im sorry this is all i could think of
All these snarky little nods are amazing. Humans are still humans no matter what.
I love them and would die for them
I can't believe I have been sold on a romance between Sada and Turo in three chapters. I gotta say this was an amazing start to everything. My only real piece of crit as a reader is the tense changes and occasional punctuation hiccups with how periods and commas are used with speech tags. But thats genuinely really minor.
The beats of the story as an opposites attract romance have already absolutely hooked me completely and I fully intend to play catchup if I can. I love Sada and Turo both as individuals and as a pair. They compliment each other so sweetly and I just love love love the way you actually show their relationship and how its based on this mutual respect and admiration and curiosity. I also really like the bits of worldbuilding sprinkled throughout. Even the future bits had surprisingly charming moments (I say this bc I fully acknowledge my mild bias against the chrome future). It was nice to see how regardless, humanity and humans are still so similar to each other no matter what timeframe they are in. Sada and Turo may be seperated by language and time and so many other things but they're also so alike... This is an excellent fic and I am so ready to read more!!
Anyways I'll give some line by lines for each chapter and some general commentary. There will be a few grammar/spelling typos but you shouldn't think of them as a big deal but a 'just in case no one mentioned this'; as I really dig the story as a whole. Hopefully they don't sound too nitpicky!
I love this opening line.The first thing that young Turo, Ph. D in Applications of Time Traveling at the University of Mesagoza thought after opening his eyes was
"Well, this sure isn't Lumiose City".
I think a colon would be appropiate right after the 'was' btw
ehehe thats funny. It really does feel so humanbecause you would be stuck running a couple miles either in the rain, at night, or in the rain at night just to get back home, and who wants that, really? (And that's the reason why rainy places were not a good spot for time traveling to, he discovered: nothing more than human laziness)
ooof... What a tragic future. I wonder what happened for things to get like this. Or perhaps just one too many fights between angry legendaries?The times were people could simply walk into a forest, maybe even with a Pokémon or two with them, were a pretty popular subject in media. Entire VR simulators were built around them (with realistic nature sounds!), milking the desire for times long gone that no one alive had the chance to live in.
15 year old, I think?listen to some 15 years old music
Ahahahah I like this. Only planned for a short time travel jaunt. I also like that time travel has become a more chill kind of thing, not just a basement secret.He had wanted to land in the Lumiose City of almost 15 years ago - nothing big for his first time jump, just a little test run, walk around a bit, grab a PokePuffin, listen to some 15 years old music -
auniversal sign, I think. This is a weird one bc universal starts with a vowel but the sound it makes is a 'yh-oo'in what he hoped was already an universal sign for
I love that Turo's motivation is simply that he finds his lab coat cool. All these little moments of very down to earth human things that persist through centuries are delightfulThe lab coat was.... Ok, the lab coat wasn't exactly required to time travel, or at all, but it was just rule of cool. He liked his lab coat.
I kiiinddd of think the the 'literally' can be cut here? It would flow a little smoother to say 'he almost jumped back'."Please don't stab me thinking that I'm some evil spirit or Pokémon" he silently pleaded, shaking slightly. He almost literally jumped back and closed his eyes when the woman suddenly moved, thrusting the spear forward.
tense oopsie, hehand Turo found himself staring at her with the same fascination that she seems to have for his clothes.
I love this little detail, the shared curiosity and recognition of itHer eyes are brimming with the same curiosity he has when challenged with some inexplicable puzzle. Her head suddenly snapped back up, and he jumped a little when she stared at him with a mix of curiosity and frustration, before asked the same thing again, this time slowly, like she was talking to a child.
I'll bring this up bc it happens periodically. I think it seems like you're using " " for internal dialogue? Which is fine I think but generally either way when using dialogue tags a comma goes inside the quotations when using a speaker tag."She knows we don't speak the same language." he realized.
Thus its: "language," he realized.
madeShe huffed and shook her head, such a normal gesture that it just makes the whole situation
(assuming third person past tense?)
I love how little bits of her personality get to shine through even before they start to overcome the language barrier!She huffed and shook her head, such a normal gesture that it just makes the whole situation only more surreal, then moved the hand that was not holding the spear and pointed to herself.
Aaaaaa I really like her! I love that she's got that same spirit of curiosity and he regonizes that. It really highlights that they have similarities despite everything that seperates them.All in all, it's somewhat fun, even if simultaneously incredibly frustrating by how little they both can communicate. Sometimes Sada would just start muttering to herself, frustrated by something that she doesn't know how to explain or to ask him. He is sure of it, because in all that time the eyes of the girl have never stopped being so... Excited, shining with curiosity and a burning desire to understand the weird guy she suddenly met. She probably is trying to teach him words figuring that he was going to stay around, and that kind of broke his heart.
Its still funny to me that time travel is a whole department and not a one off anomaly. He'd banned about as casually as you might suspend a student at school for a few weeks, heh.When the head researcher reads his report on the trip the following days, he gets both complimented in somehow managing that trip and banned from using the time machine for a month.
He bolted for the trees as soon as her eyes are off him and activated the time-anchor the instant he is out of view, disappearing in a sudden flash of light.
I have to say, while reading the premise I thought it was fun and certainly an excellent concept but wasn't sure I'd really like it! Purely personally I never had a particular interest in Turo or Sada, nor do I consider myself an enjoyer of romance very often. (Not because theres anything wrong with the genre, I am just stubborn and picky)
I was wrong.
The way you write Turo right from the get go got me interested in him. He comes off as both awkward and burning with curiosity and maybe just a touch reckless or unhinged, yet undoubtedly knowledgeable about certain niches. Very accurate to the scientist vibe. Also he feels so very human in his portrayal. I found myself really drawn in to him. No world ending conflicts or huge plot, just a guy who really want to try out a time machine and oopsie! went too far back.
Also I appreciate that you wasted absolutely no time jumping into the best bits, because really we're here to see disaster professor time travel and meet Sada. Speaking of, Sada is also surprisingly delightful, even in their first encounter. Without ever directly acknowledging it, there's the seeds of a budding relationship and mutual interest beginning to form between them. I found myself actually really into seeing more of them and their interactions, which is great for a first chapter.
Oooooo Pov swapping, love to see it!!
Really great scene that helps to show that she's not a dumb cavewoman, but quite smart and curious in her own right.
Chapter 2 was equally delightful as a followup to one! We get to see Sada's perspective and insight into what happened, and get a glimpse into her head. I have to say, I just wasn't expecting to start to really like these characters so much but I do!
The sheer intelligence and awareness on display in this section delighted me. You very deftly sidestepped anykind of 'character from the past is kind of stupid because modern stuff' and rather played into the mystery. She's not dumb. She makes some excellent observations here about tracking him via sound and him suddenly vanishing, and also observes his strange cothing. She speculates and hypothesizes that he could have tried to double back, and employs skills she does have, like tracking.« Wait!» she calls after him, but loses some precious seconds in grabbing her belongings: writing tool in one hand, the sheets of ... stuff in the other, she has to fumble around a moment before managing to grab her spear and start running. He is already far off into the trees, hidden from view, but the rustling of his clothes and the crunch of leaves under his shoes is still clearly audible... And then it stops, suddenly.
She catches up to where he was, and finds him just.... gone. Vanished without a trace. She checks the trail of footprints he left behind: the shoes he was wearing were also weird. Heavy and smooth, they almost looked like they were a single piece with his purple clothes. They honestly didn't look very comfortable: how does he take them off? Do they come off.... All in one go, all or nothing? But they do leave some nice, clear imprints in the ground... Which again, doesn't really sound that safe if you want to avoid predators, but makes it more convenient for her, so she is not going to complain. But the footprints don't tell her much: they also just vanish suddenly.
Really great scene that helps to show that she's not a dumb cavewoman, but quite smart and curious in her own right.
Lol foreshadowing for Arven much?There was always something to do, and no hands to spare. She personally enjoys exploring much more than being stuck paying attention to a bunch of kids, even if it was more dangerous.
... She was not going to start tasting every single leaf to find which one this sheets were made of, even if a part of her kinda wanted to. Too risky. Better to just ask Turo when she saw him again.
:( its kind of sad knowing that she could (in theory) end up spending her whole life wondering about this guy and if he didn't time travel back she'd never get to see him again.She keeps doodling on the leaves for quite some time into the night, unable to sleep, mind racing from one thought to another.
« But he would die from the cold even with the sun out in those clothes, so he can't be from up there.» Sada objects.
I appreciate these observations she makes about him. These little details really help sell the situation. Also its fun to read other characters perceptions of another character« So... Tidy. No scars, no cuts, not a single injury that I could see. Not even a bruise! And he had no weapons with him... nothing.»
Traveling (apparently) alone, with no weapons, no signs of tear or use in his garments or on his body, with clothes that were just begging to get him eaten by some creature... It was more than strange. It was impossible.
her mother?He is starting to sound more like a spirit than a man to me.» his mother smiles shaking her head.
!!!!!!!! ohhhHHHHHH Oh my gosh is this a new paradox concept/past pokemon? A burtal Magikarp??? I love itThe Brutal Fang, it's vivid red scales glistening from the water it just jumped out from, opens its mouth full of teeth and barrels towards the man, who manages to avoid it at the last second by rolling to the side, causing the creature to crash head first into the gravel on the riverbank, avoiding him by an inch. Not missing a beat and evidently not caring about being on dry land, the red and gold fish thrashes violently against the ground until it rights itself, it's eyes never losing sight of its target.
Awwwww poor Turo lol, this was a sweet moment.« Thank you » The words are unfamiliar, but the gratitude and relief in them are palpable.
Chapter 2 was equally delightful as a followup to one! We get to see Sada's perspective and insight into what happened, and get a glimpse into her head. I have to say, I just wasn't expecting to start to really like these characters so much but I do!
I need this so BADLY this sounds amazing.This version in particular was made to look bright yellow with spiky, needle like feathers where his "wings" were supposed to be, and ended up looking more like a cross between a Psyduck and the legendary Zapdos... A little, puffy, dopey and kinda adorable Zapdos.
I immediately accept this as his canon nameWelcome back, Dr. Romero Turo.
This feels so real for real. I love itAt the end of the corridor, he thumbed the button to call the elevator. He always found it somewhat amusing how, in a society that was completely converted to holographic controls, haptic feedback or single gestures for... Pretty much anything, some fringe areas of technology had stubbornly remained unchanged for centuries.
We doooooAt the end of the day, it turned out, people just really liked to mash the shit out of buttons.
I find all these little anecdotes so amusing. At the end of the day, humans are still humans, even a hudnred thousand years into the future.
Oooo I love all these additions to future paradox monsTuro absent mindedly side stepped the little Steelccino that were busy cleaning the floor, ignoring the indignant screeching of the chinchilla Pokémon
imagineImagine having to spend multiple hours a day just getting to work! And then getting back home! That sounded exhausting, how did people put up with that in the past?
Ooooo thats fun technologyThe front door of his apartment unlocked as soon as he got near enough,
MIRAIDON MIRAIDON!!! Also... light grey? Hm! Is his shiny?? Also poor bby, I see its having issues just like the game one.Turo smiled, hugging the Miraidon that welcomed him back and stroking it's neck.
« Hey buddy, how are you doing? » he caressed the smooth light grey scales, examining them carefully.
« Is your Hadron Engine still acting up?»
Oh my gosh i would have lost my mind« Remember that girl that was researching pirates and forced the room to simulate a creaking ship at sea for "immersion" for three months?» he answered, sitting down in front of him and ordering a coffee of his own. The other man grinned.
« Oh man, Sea Shanty Girl! Wonder what she is doing now... If I never have to listen to "Randy Dandy-Oh" again, it will still be too soon.»
But also good to know centuries and millenia from now, annoying coworkers will still be a thing
This was a very funny and relatable exchange though.
« Are you serious? The new guy does his first time jump and ends up where no one managed to ever go before? You are either going to become the best time traveler I've ever seen, or the worst.»
im sorry this is all i could think of
okay but the ramifications and possibilities here !!! if you know its gonna be bad can you stop it??? Can tv companies use this to see how well an idea for a future season will do?? Im enthralled and terrified, amazing.(except for spoilers about when the new season or movie of a series would come out and how much it sucked, because of course people wanted to know about that way more than possibly horrible news).
All these snarky little nods are amazing. Humans are still humans no matter what.
yess YESSShe hasn't just been using it, she's been experimenting with it, trying out different things with this new unfamiliar material.
His heart starts pounding with excitement: this is incredible... she is incredible-
« TURO!»
Turo's almost child-like excitement here is so charmingHe just made fire!! With his own two hands!! That's AWESOME!
😭Many, many years later, Turo would look back at this scene and recognize it as the exact moment he first fell in love with her.
I love them and would die for them
I can't believe I have been sold on a romance between Sada and Turo in three chapters. I gotta say this was an amazing start to everything. My only real piece of crit as a reader is the tense changes and occasional punctuation hiccups with how periods and commas are used with speech tags. But thats genuinely really minor.
The beats of the story as an opposites attract romance have already absolutely hooked me completely and I fully intend to play catchup if I can. I love Sada and Turo both as individuals and as a pair. They compliment each other so sweetly and I just love love love the way you actually show their relationship and how its based on this mutual respect and admiration and curiosity. I also really like the bits of worldbuilding sprinkled throughout. Even the future bits had surprisingly charming moments (I say this bc I fully acknowledge my mild bias against the chrome future). It was nice to see how regardless, humanity and humans are still so similar to each other no matter what timeframe they are in. Sada and Turo may be seperated by language and time and so many other things but they're also so alike... This is an excellent fic and I am so ready to read more!!