The White Elephant in the Room Playground

[unrepentantAuthor]

"The fuck."

 

[Shiny Phantump]

Abigail grumbled. She was supposed to be the one confusing Zeke, not the other way around... She just wanted the ski lift turned on...

Though if he was no longer the teenager too spiteful to allow it on, maybe she could just... reach out with her telekinesis and... pull the lever herself. This version of Zeke probably wouldn't mind.

 

[Tanuki]

“I found a way around that, though,” Zeke said, pointing to a portion of the page that apparently was something. “Too complicated to fit in the one binder, though. Ran out of space a few days ago and started storing the papers in the lift gea—”

Though if he was no longer the teenager too spiteful to allow it on, maybe she could just... reach out with her telekinesis and... pull the lever herself. This version of Zeke probably wouldn't mind.

Fear bleached Zeke’s fur. He slammed a claw into the stupid kid button and ran to the lift. “Fuck!” he shouted. “Shit! Dammit! The experiment’s screwed!” He yanked out some torn papers, desperate to see if he could recover any of them, but each failure darkened his expression further.

With one torn piece of paper in his claws, he slammed the other paw into the lift. “These were all the procedures! The safety protocols! If we don’t have this for the experiment, the time will rip itself back together! It would start eating itself, bringing things, events, even people out of its own past and trap them in the present!” He slammed his fist into the lift again. Again.

Again. He fell back, head in his hands. “I don’t even want to think about how many paradoxes would happen if you went ahead with my first draft.”

 

[Fusion]

"What in the name of fuck are the two of you doing," Lee said, feeling a mixture of utter confusion and rage at Palkia and Zane.

 

[Fusion]

His rant.

"Why did you have such important documents there in the first place?" Lee asked, coming off of whatever-the-fuck he was feeling.

 

[Tanuki]

“Where else would I put them?” Zeke snapped back. “I couldn’t leave my post, and since I’m the only one who can start the ski lift, I could easily keep them safe!

Jesse trudged into the frozen ski lift cabin and leant heavily on the doorframe.

"Howdy, fella. Please, at yer earliest possible convenience, turn on the lift. I beg of ya."

”Psychic,” Zeke growled. He walked over to Jesse and went to grab him by the coat. “Did you not think maybe I didn’t want to start the lift for a reason?”

 

[Shiny Phantump]

”Psychic,” Zeke growled. He walked over to Jesse and went to grab him by the coat. “Did you not think maybe I didn’t want to start the lift for a reason?”

"Let. Him. Go!" Abigail stomped her foot, her not-hands balling into not-fists at her sides. "I turned the fucking lift on. I turned it on because there's someone trapped over there, and no I don't care you think this is going to make things diverge from your plan, because that already happened when people started getting fucking murdered seven days and four nights ago. Things had already gone to shit before the electronics started generating sentient disembodied eyeballs! Whatever those notes were for, you failed too miserably at it for you to put it back on track."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Jesse jolted awake with a yelp, and looked up at the zangoose grabbing at his coat.

"Wait, what the fuck–"

He played the conversation and events through his head, once again aware of what had happened even in his sleep, in this place without rest.

"You think I turned your fuckin' lift on in my fuckin' sleep?"

Jesse got to his feet. For a delphox, he was tall. Zeke wasn't exactly massive for a zangoose.

"You jumped up little shit, I ain't been nothin' but polite to you, I lead the posse t'get you yer fuckin' soup ya wanted so bad, and you fuckin' lay hands on me?" he roared. "Get yer fuckin' claws off me!"

These were all the procedures! The safety protocols! If we don’t have this for the experiment, the time will rip itself back together!

"I didn't sign up t'be part of some fuckin' experiment," snarled the delphox. "I didn't want t'be here, freezin' my tail off, sleepless, tryin' to uncover some bullshit magic murder mystery harder than anyone else around me while equipped with the least relevant goddamn power to effect my fuckin' efforts, dealin' with incomprehensible eldritch nonsense, listenin' to some reprobate motherfucker tell us we can't even be in the situation we're in, constantly afeared that anyone around me could be next to die, or a fuckin' murderer themselves, and now some reprehensible little ingrate piss-stain wants to blame me fer somethin' I weren't even awake fer? I'd be in my rights to kick seven kinds of shit outta you, you insufferable, taint-suckin' prick, so don't you DARE fuckin' touch me!"

Jesse pulled back his lips in a feral baring of teeth, looking much less like a wild west ranger, and much, much more like a savage predator.

 

[Chibi Pika]

"Allllllright, let's all just calm down shall we?" Palkia asked, stepping between the Delphox and the Zangoose and delicately separating the two with its claws, which tingled with latent dragon-type energy. "What say I make us all some fresh coffee and we have a little chat about what we plan on doing next, hm? In the meantime..."--it gestured to Abigail--"why don't you go check on our friend Rillaboom?"

 

[Tanuki]

Jesse pulled back his lips in a feral baring of teeth, looking much less like a wild west ranger, and much, much more like a savage predator.

Zeke flared his claws up in mock surrender to glare daggers at Abigail.

"I didn't sign up t'be part of some fuckin' experiment," snarled the delphox. "I didn't want t'be here, freezin' my tail off, sleepless, tryin' to uncover some bullshit magic murder mystery harder than anyone else around me while equipped with the least relevant goddamn power to effect my fuckin' efforts, dealin' with incomprehensible eldritch nonsense, listenin' to some reprobate motherfucker tell us we can't even be in the situation we're in, constantly afeared that anyone around me could be next to die, or a fuckin' murderer themselves, and now some reprehensible little ingrate piss-stain wants to blame me fer somethin' I weren't even awake fer? I'd be in my rights to kick seven kinds of shit outta you, you insufferable, taint-suckin' prick, so don't you DARE fuckin' touch me!"

I don't care you think this is going to make things diverge from your plan, because that already happened when people started getting fucking murdered seven days and four nights ago.

“What! Experiment! Are you even! Talking about?” Zeke snarled. “Palkia is right!” He flung his claws to point at Palkia. “We obviously aren’t going to go forward with a hypothetical theoretical! Even if we went forward now, it would be at least a year until experimentation even started! Why do you think I’ve been fixing these equations? I was preparing to send them to Pallister—who’s right here!—not to go forward until I can get back to him! No experiment is going to happen!”

I turned it on because there's someone trapped over there,

Zeke kneaded his temples with his claws. “Rally is in Rillaboom Rentals. It is thirty steps away from your cabin. He has an entire convenience store to eat from. Who exactly is starving at the top of the mountain? I run the ski lift! I would have seen someone use it! That’s the job I’ve been doing for the past week! I—“

He cut himself off and shook his head. “Pallister,” he groaned as even-toned as he could possibly manage. “I can fix

"Allllllright, let's all just calm down shall we?" Palkia asked, stepping between the Delphox and the Zangoose and delicately separating the two with its claws, which tingled with latent dragon-type energy. "What say I make us all some fresh coffee and we have a little chat about what we plan on doing next, hm? In the meantime..."--it gestured to Abigail--"why don't you go check on our friend Rillaboom?"

Zeke sighed in relief. “Yes. Arceus. Let’s just talk about it. I can explain what to fix before we start experimentation. It’s good that we caught this now, because it wouldn’t show up in any smaller scale simulations or proof of concepts. Everything will be fine because there isn’t even an experiment to go wrong yet.”

 

[Tanuki]

“What in God’s Name are you all arguing about? I didn’t destroy any documents! How did Palkia just transmit visual information aurally? I am trying my best to help you! Please help me help you and stop screaming at me for nothing!”

 

[Shiny Phantump]

This was giving Abigail a headache. She pressed her not-hands to her forehead. "What? You were definitely talking about pulling us out of the multiverse rope, which was the same thing the intern on the radio, Elbert, had talked about. You're telling me that two people both had the idea to pull us out of the multiverse completely independently of each other? Because we're definitely in interdimensional bullshit right now, so if you, Zeke, didn't do it, the nitwit counsel must've done it."

She sighed. Her face flushed with embarrassment. "Regardless of whose dimensional bullshit this is, it has turned me into a fucking ralts, and therefore I'm going to need a boost to get up to the lift seat. Can someone lend me a han- a... paw?"

 

[IFBench]

Gen hesitated, then tried to lift Abigail up with his tiny nubs.

A strained expression was on his face, as he tried to lift his entire new weight up high with his way-too-short arms.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Jesse gave Abigail a boost without hesitation, scowling up a storm at Zeke the whole time.

"Yer plan to fuck with time may have fuckin' temporal consequences, right?" he hissed in a voice like a gas flame. "Maybe yer lookin' at 'em."

 

[Tanuki]

This plot has gotten far out of hand and broken all laws of physics to make itself out of spite for whatever horrible beast created it.

 

[Tanuki]

“Why is the narrator complaining about the plot he’s describing?” Because screw you. I didn’t sign up to narrate this. I didn’t make any choice leading up to any of this. I don’t even exist. I’m a theoretical distinction between the speaker and the author. I have no say in anything that I say, do, or even am because I’m a non-corporeal idea that happens when language is used to communicate fiction.

 

[Chibi Pika]

"I'm never allowed to break things this badly back home. Well done!"

 

[Shiny Phantump]

Abigail nodded. "Mhm. The Nihilego venom's really kicking in now..."

 

[Tanuki]

"I'm never allowed to break things this badly back home. Well done!"

Confusion broke the tension just long enough to get a laugh out of Zeke. “Pallister, you big lug,” he chuckled. “I know your thing’s space, not time, but c’mon. And what do you mean back home? Detroit’s a half-step away from here to you.”

With a deep breath in, and another out, Zeke had calmed himself. “It doesn’t matter. You’re here, so no one will ever be “allowed” to break things. We’re lucky we caught this early so we can make sure it never happens,” he explained while living out the bad thing that happened once he was removed from the timeline and his research was destroyed.

He let out another chuckle. “You all mentioned Santa, right? What, did he stage his own death to rush some theory along so some multidimensional comittee would throw a party for all the little kids, letting him sabotage the one that takes the corrective information out of the timeline long enough that he can enact some dastardly Christmas scheme?” From what he could piece together of all these halves of a conversation, he determined for quite certain that every single member of this party was beyond clinically insane.

 

[Tanuki]

“Is everyone still mad at me? I’m sure you’re all very stressed out. Should I take my lunch break and give everyone some time to cool off?” Elbert asked.