Pokémon Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Soaring Over Heaven

[Umbramatic]

Hi! Here for Review Blitz! Disclaimer that PMD can be a bit out of my wheelhouse (I do have a PMD fic but other than that I am a human-Pokemon focus centrist) but I like seeing what people come up with in their fics and you seemed excited to show me yours, so here we go!

You mentioned Xenoblade vibes. I love me some Xenoblade vibes.

Ah yes, the void. With the voice.The voice that gives you personality quizzes. Though this one seems to mostly have questions and not answers.

And the void spits Maxim out into a fall. Rude.

At the very least a nice Kirila finds him. Also he's a Rowlet now. Rowlet is a good choice for a protag - I just generally like when people give gen seven plus Pokemon big roles in PMD fics because... no PMD game goes past gen 6.

Also the doodle of Maxim looking in the mirror? Adorable.

There is a slightly less nice Meinfoo here. Also everyone is apparently on a skyship. Bros really said "imagine beliving in the ocean."

There's a Politoed here too! I love Politoed!

Always heed the approaching dot. You never know if it's a bird, or a plane, or -

PIRATES



Noivern as a pirate captain is sick as hell. I love this nasty man already.

Of course being a pirate captain he is full of threats. But can he back them up? Can Maxim actually do anything about it? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON SOARING OVER HEAVEN Z

Really cute start! I like your characters so far in particular. I will hhhhhhhhhhhopefully be back for more!

 

[Gyeig]

Review of Chapters 4 and 5.​

Spoiler

Back again for two more chapters. Two usually covers enough ground for a review, so unless there’s some kind of massive cliffhanger that I have to read more about, you can expect that amount per review.

Anyway, these chapters unsurprisingly continued the trend of the last three - cartoony vibes, a lot of Maxim stumbling around trying to figure being a Pokemon out with some of his fellow privateers while Captain Drake puts on a completely different face talking to folks about Maxim potentially being a human. I’m still curious how the latter goes, especially considering that Drake sounds like an entirely different character behind closed doors compared to how he presents himself to his crew. Is he more than meets the eye? Does he work for someone? Is he a villain? And so on.

One aspect of this fic that I enjoy is the prose being pretty comfortable to read. It’s not trying to wow the reader or anything, but it establishes a vibe in these chapters that just makes for a pretty comfortable reading experience overall. I also like that there’s a pretty clear distinction between the way Maxim’s POV is written versus the short scenes with Drake - clearly, every case of the latter sees the writing take a serious turn that keeps the reader alert. It’s solid stuff.

To narrow in a little more on Chapter 4, it introduces characters outside of the privateers group Maxim has ended up in. Hurik and Celene on the surface look like a pretty typical dynamic - Hurik being the boasty, overly optimistic/energetic type while Celene is there to keep him grounded. One worry I do have is how they fit into the privateers’ dynamic to begin with, given that the ship is going to leave town in a couple of days - that is something I hope you’ve spent time thinking up an answer for, since this fic by nature has an A and a B side to it (on the ship vs off the ship).

Now, chapter 5 is where I don’t just have concerns, but an actual problem - the scene where Maxim finally figures out how to Pokemon and fight back isn’t the best. It relies heavily on a sudden flashback Maxim gets when Rene calls him useless, which brings back a similar memory from a school project he had - IMO, this isn’t elaborated enough upon. Maxim just learns fast from the experience, the emotional link between the memory and the fight now isn’t expressed strongly enough, and it feels like Maxim did one attack, before having a moment of self awareness and Rene going ‘See? I knew you could do it!’. If you ever go back to these earlier chapters, this is something you should work out further.

Alright, enough rambling for now. One last thing I want to mention that isn’t plot related - I like the little drawings you put in here. They’re a nice addition! Thanks again for the chapters, and best of luck with the rest of the fic-

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, dropping in with the part 2 of my review exchange for this story, since I figured that this week was as good as any to bump it along:

Chapter 2

Spoiler

“So what’s it gonna be, girlie?”

Rene: “I don’t suppose that you moving that blade-tail away from my eyes is an option-” ._.
Ocher:

The pirate captain’s tail blade was only a few inches away from Rene’s skull. Maxim was paralyzed as the amused dragon leaned in closer.

“It’s your life, or your goods. Pick one.”

Okay, two things to get them out of the way since it might also pop up elsewhere in the chapter, but passive voice (“was [X]ing”, “had [X]ed”, etc.) tends to make for a less “active” feeling. Also, as a general rule of thumb, you ideally want details like emotional states to be self-evident through description as opposed to being bluntly told to the audience what they are. e.x. as a throwaway revamp for the underlined sentence:

Maxim stood paralyzed as the Noivern leaned in closer and his mouth curled up into a sneering grin.

Some food for thought, anyways.

Rene and Ocher locked eyes for what seemed to be an eternity, with the wind being the only thing heard between the two. She knelt down and slowly released Maxim. The former human swore she turned back to him briefly before stating her answer.

“You moppet, pick someone to be a bigger tool than me.”

Ocher:

Everyone on board, from pirate to crew member, glared wide-eyed at the Mienfoo’s bluntness. Even Clyde’s smile had vanished, replaced by a steep frown. Maxim frantically crawled away from Rene.

“Is that so?” Ocher chuckled, pulling back his tail.

Huh, Ocher took that a lot better than I thought he would. Maybe.

Without warning, he slammed Rene face-first into the wooden deck. The weasel let out a yelp as she was lifted up in the Noivern’s claws.

Whelp, spoke too soon there.

“Going to keep that bravado, eh? I guess I’ll do this slowly then!”

Yeah, I knew that this guy was giving me Consul D vibes.

BANG

This time she was Ocher slammed her down even harder, leaving behind visible cracks on the boards.

BANG

Ah yes, starting with one of the cover art characters in the process of getting brutally maimed. Always a great beginning to every story.

Ocher raised her up for a third time.

BANG

Then a fourth, each impact leaving a bigger dent in the floor. As the crazed pirate pulled the battered Mienfoo up again, she was covered in wood shards and bruises.

Ocher: “Again, girlie. The goods, or your life. Choose wisely.”

The Noivern leaned her in close. “Well? Still got that fire in your eyes?”

[ ] Rene tilted her head over to Maxim, then stared directly into Ocher’s eyes.

“Yeah, I do.”

I think that it might have made sense to take a sentence or two to describe how beat up Rene is right about now and any reaction that Maxim might have to it, since it’s a chance to show off their mutual personalities and how they react to things. While I get that Rene’s meant to be a steely and stubborn type, it could be shown off a bit more, while Maxim’s honestly a bit of a blank at the moment that could be filled in a bit by showing his internal thought process a little more.

Ocher: “Well then, I see you’ve made this really easy for me.”

A growl came from Ocher’s maw as the dragon raised his claws to her throat. “I’m getting rather bored of yah! Time to cut the fun and skin ya alive!” He turned to his crew. “What do you say, boys?! Want me to give em a proper show?”

Yeeeeeaaah, that certainly got really dark really fast. I’ll take the under on this guy not winding up dying horribly at some point in the near future.

Roars of laughter echoed. Ocher raised his claws high in the air before coating them in draconic energy. Maxim’s heart felt like it would beat out of his chest.

Thump Thump

Fear coursed through him as his blood turned to ice in his veins.

Wait, is Rene still remaining defiant and unfazed right now? Or is she starting to visibly waver? Since it’s not really clear from the context at the moment.


Rene: “Oi, what are you going on about? You’re not the one about to be skinned alive here!” >_>;
Maxim: “That doesn’t mean that I want to see that happen right in front of me! Seriously, Rene! How are you just this calm right now?!”

Thump Thump

There had to be something, anything he could do! He tried to pick himself up, but his body refused to move. The dragon’s claws began to race forward to sink into-

Thump Thump

“That’s enough outta you lot! No fun n’ games for yah!”

Maxim: “Oh thank god, that was way too close.”

The pirate captain paused mid-swing. All attention was drawn to Clyde, who stood with his chest puffed out on stacked boxes. A golden badge, shaped like a crown of feathers, was in his hands.

“And what do you think you’re going to do with that?” Ocher growled, pointing his tail at the Politoed. A Manectric and a Houndour rushed at Clyde, but he jumped high within seconds. Landing on one of the topmasts, he tossed a glowing orb. The object dropped all the way to the deck, shattering into light as bright as the Sun. Maxim reflexively raised a wing to shield his eyes.

Maxim:

The light faded after a few seconds. Maxim removed his wing to see scores of pirates clenching their eyes and rolling on the deck. Ocher had covered his eyes with his wings, while Rene had buried her face in her free arm.

I was going to ask if that was a Luminous Orb that Clyde threw there, but no, it was clearly called a ‘badge’, so I’m not sure what just happened.

FWEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTT

Shrill whistling came from the sky. Stacks of containers rattled before several silhouettes rushed out in a tide of newcomers. A blue figure blitzed past a row of pirates, knocking them down in a single strike. The blur impacted struck Ocher and pulled Rene out of his grasp. The figure stopped and let her down a few feet away. Maxim took in the newcomer's appearance.

Oh, this is that Quaquaval from the cover art, isn’t it?

A bipedal bird stood arms crossed in front of Ocher. The bird was blue with a yellow bill and a red and blue feather crest on their head. A light blue feather with a streak of white stood out in the center. Covering their torso was a fancy white and blue vest complete with a navy blue scarf on their left shoulder. A name sprung in Maxim’s mind: Quaquaval.

Yeah, I knew it. I’m going to guess that this is the ‘Signal’ everyone was talking about last chapter.

“You really threw me off track showing up this early!” The bird snarked in a deep and suave voice. “Not a big deal!”

A trio consisting of a Cacnea, Krokorok, and Liepard sprung at the newcomer from behind, but the Quaquaval roundhouse kicked them into a stack of empty boxes. “How rude!” He groaned.

Damn, this guy’s got style. And didn’t miss a beat there.

The Noivern’s eyes widened. “What are you doing here, Drake?!” He turned over to the other newcomers, all of them wearing the same blue scarves.

Well, that’s not ‘Signal’ there, though duly noted, even if that’s a fairly on-the-nose name for a duck character. :V

“This is a trap!” The bat-dragon roared, slapping his tail into the ground. “Boys, give em’ all you got!”

Whelp, looks like Ocher and his crew will be getting that BAD END™ sooner than I thought, since… yeah. I’m not holding my breath on them doing well against that.

In a split second, everything went to hell. The Serene Grace’ s deck erupted into a battlefield. Fireballs, spraying water, and even lightning attacks all clashed with each other, cascading colorful sparks and smoke everywhere. Taking advantage of the chaos, Maxim flapped away to find a hiding spot. He only got a few feet before he bumped head first into a black furred Sneasel. The orange scarf tied around their shoulder confirmed that he had made a grave mistake.

Maxim: “Um… hi there. How about we both just pretend we didn’t see each other and move on?”

“Tsk! I’m gonna pluck your feathers for that one!” The Sneasel hissed, brandishing his claws.

Maxim: “Well, it was worth a shot, at least.”

Maxim rolled to the side to avoid a claw swipe. He bolted away, weaving through fallen pokemon and flying projectiles. A fireball went over his head, the heat forcing him to dive to the ground. He turned his head at a slight creak behind him, and found the sneasel was still in pursuit with claws encased in razor-sharp ice.

“DUCK, YOU IDIOT!”

Maxim obliged as Rene launched like a speeding bullet into the Sneasel, sending the mon flying across the deck. The Mienfoo dusted herself off before sending a glare toward Maxim. Bruises and messy fur still covered her body, but her fiery gaze remained unshaken.

Oooh, that one had to leave a mark. 4x weaknesses be like that.

“Rene, you’re able to move around?!” Maxim stammered. “W-what’s going on?! Who are these guys?!”

Rene glared back. “I don’t have the time to explain it all, but if you see someone with a blue scarf just know they’re gonna be your buddy! How ‘bout you answer a question for me ?” She leaned forward.

“Why the bloody hell did you run away? At least try to defend yourself!” she barked.

Maxim:

Rene: “Oh yeah, that’s going to get you out of being run through by Ocher. Not. Seriously, look alive out there!” >_>;

The Rowlet shuddered. Fighting against bloodthirsty pirates? He couldn’t even outrun one!

“I-I can’t fight. Not at all!” Maxim said.

IMO, it probably makes sense to differentiate Maxim’s explicit internal thoughts from the surrounding text. A fairly common practice among other fics I’ve read is to handle them in italics, which I’ve suggested here.

“A pokemon that can’t fight? You must be pulling a Wooloo on me.”

A few seconds of silence was her answer. The weasel signed, before turning away. “Fine. That amnesia of yours must be that bad..” She pointed to a stack of boxes. “Do me a favor. Either stay right behind me or hide away. Just try to be anythin’ other than a moving target.”

>stay behind Rene

That… feels like a pretty bad choice for Maxim to make considering how this girl literally refused to back down from a pirate captain who was about to turn her into a fur coat.

Maxim considered his options. If he were to hide he wouldn’t have to worry about constantly being attacked, but on the other hand if a pirate found him… He shuddered. Rene began to walk away, forcing him to when he at last made up his mind.

“W-wait! I’ll go with you!” He stammered. “I-I promise I won’t get in the way!”

I mean, he’s a protagonist, so I’m sure it’ll work out in the end, but still.

The Mienfoo sighed and waved her paw forward. Maxim was quick to hop behind. Right as the two made their way around one of the masts, a massive column of water impacted the ground. As the water dispersed, it left behind a curious sight: a Floatzel with Fraxure headlocked under his arm, with his blue scarf wrapped around the base of his tail. Cuts and scars lined his body, while his face sported a huge grin.

“ YO , Rene! How are you feelin’?!” The Floatzel said with a deep, bellowing voice.

Ah yes, he’s a bit out of his natural element, but you can’t go wrong with a Float on a ship.

Though this is a bit of a funny coincidence since I actually have a pirate and sailor Fraxure and Floatzel myself in one of my stories… even if the roles are a bit reversed here and this axeface is probably going to not going to get much of a billing in the future.

Rene crossed her arms and laughed. “Doin’ good, Conner! I’ll feel much better when this mission’s done.”

The Floatzel laughed back. “Aye! I say we pay 'em back at least twofold for those scrapes!” He brought turned his attention over to Maxim. “What about the little one over there? Ain’t never seen ‘im before.”

Fraxure:

Maxim: “Um… shouldn’t you be more worried about that Fraxure that you’re grappling onto?”

Conner: “Nah, he ain’t going anywhere fast right now, it’s all good.”

“Oh him?” She shrugged “Says he’s comin’ along. He won’t be much help in a fight, so I guess he’s on cheerleadin’”

The pirate went limp in Conner’s grip. He dropped them to the floor before kicking them away.

“Let’s get a move on then!”

Well that’s definitely one way to drop an opponent. Situational, but I suppose it’s a handy way to not get cut up by those tusks.

A few minutes later, the daring pair of Rene and Conner cleared out any pirate that got in their way. Conner hosed down a group of pirates with a wave of water, with Rene following up with a flurry of kicks. To finish them off, Rene charged energy into her fist, hit the closest pirate, and sent them flying into the group like a bowling ball into pins. Maxim stood in awe behind the spectacle.

This is insane! How are they able to keep up with one another?

I actually wonder if this shouldn’t have been a hard scene cut since:

A: A “few minutes” is a long time when there’s a big ball of violence going on, especially in a cramped battlefield like a ship deck.
B: It makes it feel like we “skipped less” e.x. consider following suggested rework with no scene break, which basically differs from yours by 2 sentences:

The pirate went limp in Conner’s grip. He dropped them to the floor before kicking them away.

“Let’s get a move on then!”

Rene and Conner took off running as Maxim tried to keep up, and much to his astonishment, the pair cleared out any pirate that got in their way. Their strategy played out over and over with surprising effectiveness: Conner would hose down a group of pirates with a wave of water, and Rene following up with a flurry of kicks. Even the latest group proved no match as Rene charged energy into her fist, hit the closest pirate, and sent them flying into the group like a bowling ball into pins. Maxim stood in awe behind the spectacle.

T his is insane! How are they able to keep up with one another?

Since that way, you still functionally have your fast-forward, but it feels less like we just arbitrarily cut ahead in the battle.

His curiosity continued to grow, but first he would need to find a safer spot to observe. Finding a nearby barrel, Maxim hopped inside and peered through a gash in its wooden side. Beyond the duo’s position, the fighting still waged on with ferocious intensity.

Wait, ‘His curiosity’ about what, exactly? How Drake’s crew are battling? Their fighting techniques? It probably makes sense to be specific here.

Close to the ship’s bow, Clyde paired up with a Grapploct, the latter swinging around pirates as if they were toys into each other. The Politoed himself bounced on the head of one pirate, jump kicked into a second one, then froze a third with a beam of ice. Before the Rowlet could see what happened next, he picked up on shouting coming from the middle of the deck.

Yeeeeeeah, looks like Ocher wound up mugging the monster here given how much Drake and his crew are just plowing through his goons. I wonder if that’s deliberate or not, since at the moment, this battle feels pretty one-sided in Team Drake’s favor here when even random crewmembers that haven’t been established as uniquely strong up to this point are dropping multiple randos in rapid succession.

Spaced out enough to form a small arena, Ocher the Noivern and the Quaquaval were staring each other down while carefully moving around in a circle.

“Once I’ve skinned your sorry hide, Drake, every pirate worth their salt is gonna know who the real prowler of the west skies is!” The pirate-captain growled.

He flapped his wings which caused a wave of air to rush like a bullet. Drake twirled to the side to dodge, the attack instead hitting the ground and knocking up splinters.

Oh, so Drake and his crew are pirates themselves, huh? I see that this is a “cutthroat” vs “romanticized” scuffle here. Maybe. I suppose Drake could turn out to also be a total psycho, but he didn’t give off that vibe in his introduction.

“Now that’s the spirit! It’s great to aim for sky high goals!” Drake taunted, waggling a feather. “But if you’re looking for some better rep, you might want to start with taking on someone in your own league!”

I mean, considering how every member of Drake’s crew other than Maxim that’s gotten explicit focus thus far has dropped at least 3 pirates apiece… yeah. Though I do wonder if this could’ve been foreshadowed more, especially in the sequence where Rene’s letting herself get beat up.

Ocher growled before his form crouched to the ground. Violet light coated his claws as they extended into blades. Drake responded in turn by summoning back his a pair a of water sabres, crossing them together in an X pattern. .

“Shall we dance?” Drake grinned.

Ah yes, there’s a song for this general mood right about now:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0e3_-08CFMg

Within a split second, both combatants closed the gap. Ocher attempted to land the first strike, launching one claw at Drake’s side while his tail zipped in from the other. Drake stepped back and struck the Noivern’s arm twice, leaving a visible cut. With a hiss, Ocher leapt into the air, charged his claws with draconic energy, then dived. Drake raised his water sabres to meet the attack head on.

BOOM!

The clash was strong enough to release a small shockwave that knocked down nearby pokemon. As the dust settled, Drake and Ocher were locked head to head: the dragon’s scowl countered by the grin on the Quaquaval’s face.

I can already see the gigantic troll face on Drake’s beak right now.

“I’ve had enough of this, you damned feather bag!” The Noivern snarled, pressing his attack onward.

“Already? I thought this dance was just getting started~!” Drake chuckled back, his twin sabers still holding the line.

Yeeeeeeah, I’ll take the under on Ocher being relevant as a character past the chapter. Since just saying, this is probably a sign to turn tail and bolt.

The duck’s position slowly started to give, allowing Ocher a small opening. His bladed tail shot forward, causing Drake to veer to the side.The attack landed close enough to rip from the front to the back of his jacket.

“Why you..” He grunted.

Drake swung his leg into Ocher’s torso. The bat-dragon flinched from the strong attack. Drake didn’t waste the opportunity, slamming his foe with flurries of kicks ending with a roundhouse kick that knocked him across the deck and into an unlucky Gabite pirate.

Damn. Remind me to never mess with Drake’s wardrobe. Though is Maxim meant to be spectating this? If so, has he been having any internal thoughts as to what he’s been seeing of Drake’s fighting here? Since it feels like we’ve shifted out of a limited perspective and into an omniscient one here.

Drake took a deep breath. Ice slowly formed on the bottom of his legs, condensing until makeshift ice skates formed under his feet. Ocher rose from the ground. Sparks flowed from Ocher’s maw right before he launched a massive fireball. Drake met the attack head on and cut the fireball in two. Flipping into the air with the ice blade still on his feet, the Quaquaval became a spinning blur. Ocher tried to block using his wings, but the attack broke through before swerving into his side. The Novern was launched away, howling as he impacted hit the ground.

… Wait, as in all the way below the sky? Or did you mean the ‘deck’ there? Since I can’t tell if Ocher just fell to his death or not.

Unfortunately for Maxim, the landing spot was right in front of his barrel. He turned back to Rene and Conner’s position, only to see the two had moved further on.

“ Shit! I need to get out of here!” He panicked.

Maxim: “M-Maybe he didn’t see me?”

A tall shadow loomed over the barrel. Maxim stared into the bloodshot eyes of Ocher. His heartbeat zoomed as the Noivern split the barrel in two with a tail strike. Ocher's claws seized Maxim, the Rowlet struggling against his tight grip.

Maxim:

Ocher: “Pipe down before I make you, feather duster.”

The crazed Noivern turned back to Drake. “Now then, let down those blades o’ yours before I squish this little one!”

His claws began to squeeze Maxim, the breath being sucked right out of his lungs. [ ] Tears started to form in Maxim’s eyes.

IMO, you go a little 0-100 here in this paragraph. It probably makes sense to spend an extra sentence describing things hurting progressively more and more for Maxim to sell the sense that he’s getting the life progressively squeezed out of him.

N-no! Someone! Anyone! Help!

Suddenly, a strange pink light enveloped both Maxim and Ocher. The former human found himself unable to move anything beyond his eyes.. Straining them around, he saw that the pirate captain himself was also frozen with his bloodshot eyes darting around.

This smells like a Psychic. Is that Clyde’s doing?

Some of the remaining pirates rushed over to their captain’s aid, only to freeze when a shadow flew overhead. The shadow curved around and swept over the deck, knocking them all down. It back around, this time heading straight at the frozen duo. Like a speeding jet, the shadow impacted Ocher. Maxim soon found himself in its claws.

The Rowlet groaned at the familiar sensation of rushing wind against his feathers. He looked up at his rescuer. It was a Braviary, an impressive crest of white feathers billowing out from their head. Patterns on the crest glowed with pink and violet energy then unleashed an energy wave. The crescent shaped attack slammed into the Noivern’s back.

Ah yes, H-Braviary. I wonder if this is the ‘Signal’ we’ve been hearing about here.

Drake had the opening he needed. He shot into the air, ice energy freezing his legs again. With a yell he twirled into another spin attack. The blow smashed Ocher directly on the head, slamming him face first into the wooden deck. Splinters flew everywhere as the Noivern rebounded onto his back, unmoving.

Maxim: “Whoa…”

The sharp end of his tail twitched as Drake removed the blade, then held it up into the air. The fighting came to a standstill as friend and foe alike diverted attention.

I actually didn’t realize that Ocher was wearing a tail-dagger at all. That’s probably a detail that should’ve been a bit clearer, since at first I thought that was just meant to be his natural tail there.

- Drake dusts himself off -
Drake: “Well, then. Anybody else care for a dance?” ^v^

Drake took a deep breath, then shouted. “This battle is over! Surrender, and I promise the rest of you will go unharmed.”

Ah, I see that explains the title of this chapter, even if the hunters have become the hunted in fairly short order.

Though I suppose that it’s a good thing that Drake is (probably?) not a state actor, since… yeah. Historically, captured pirates did not have great life expectancies.

Silence passed. Then, one by one, the remaining pirates held up their arms and other substitutes. Maxim let out a sigh, then scanned the deck. He found Rene sitting on a stack of defeated pirates, their orange scarves tossed into their own pile. In the middle of that quelled chaos, Maxim felt a smile creep up on his face. Unpleasant first impression aside, the weas-err Mienfoo was a force to be reckoned with.

Ah yes, atop a pile of corpses fainted bodies. Though I suppose that this is a sign that Maxim’s going to be getting into the deep end very fast given that the crew he stumbled across is definitely way up there in terms of strength.

He still needed to focus on the pressing issue. Despite floating calmly in place, the Braviary still had a strong grip on him. Maxim swallowed the fear blooming in his heart and spoke.

Wait, what pressing issue is that? Since this is a bit vague in phrasing here.

“Uhh hello, could you let me go already?”

The Braviary stared back, then nodded. Maxim dropped down, quickly flapping his wings. The deck approached faster and faster with the Rowlet’s flaps speeding up. The Rowlet shut his eyes tight, then felt himself gently hit solid ground.

Maxim: “Whew. I think that I’ve had enough excitement for one day.”

Maxim opened his eyes. Pirates were bunched up into tight groups bound by metal chains, while the unconscious ones were arranged into rows tied up with rope. Blue-scarved pokemon went back and forth between the two ships using the tether lines. Maxim marveled at how coordinated the dismantling was. Even with how busy things were, some mons still remained on deck, hanging out and laughing with each other like nothing had happened.

Maxim: “Wait, what are you going to do with all of these guys anyways?” .-.
Rene: “Haven’t worked that one out yet, really. But that’s above my pay grade anyways.”

How can they just joke around like this? He thought. Just who are these gu-

I take it that Maxim didn’t notice the part where Ocher mentioned that he was challenging Drake for the title of ‘prowler of the west skies’, since… yeah. That would make this quite a bit less mysterious here.

A lone shadow looming over him snapped the Rowlet out of his thoughts. He subconsciously swiveled his head around to see the same Quaquaval. Maxim recoiled back.

“Oh, uhh hey there! Nice to meet you! Drake, wasn’t it?” He laughed, slowly shuffling away.

Drake straightened up and crossed his arms, only to relax with a chuckle a few seconds later. “A Rowlet? Don’t think I’ve ever seen you before!”

Wait, just how big is the Serene Grace’s crew? Since Drake’s line implies that it’s large enough that he’s not necessarily on a name basis with everybody.

A gust of wind passed over the two right as the Braviary landed next to Drake. Maxim took a look at the huge eagle. Small scars and nicks lined their body. A blue scarf remained wrapped around their left leg, the symbol vaguely resembling Drake’s head. Their violet head crest glowed as they locked eyes with the Quaquaval.

The pair locked in a silent stare for a few seconds, before Drake knelled and placed an arm on Maxim’s head. “So you’re the one Signal rescued. Interesting!” He raised his other arm to his chin. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen one of your kind on this side of the skies.”

Whelp, we’ve got confirmation that the H-Braviary is indeed Signal there.

“Y-yeah, that’s nice... Uhh, excuse me sir, but you’re the captain, right?” Maxim said, recoiling. “The nurse here told me it was a merchant ship, but that’s clearly not what’s going on!”

Maxim: “Because I swear that Noivern said that you were the ‘prowler of the western skies’.”

The Quauqaval chuckled and rubbed Maxim’s head. “Did he now? Well you see, that was just a little white lie! Good on him for not letting the Meowth out of the bag!” He clasped both his feathery arms together.

Standing up, Drake proceeded to twirl in place, placing a hand on his crest. Sparkles radiated from the Quaquaval’s form, completing the fabulous pose. Maxim nearly fell over from shock.

“It’s true, we aren’t merchants.” He waggled a feather. “I’m Captain Drake, leader of Aqua Step! We’re Privateers! ”[/QUOTE]

Oh, so they’re state-sponsored pirates. Since I certainly know what a ‘privateer’ is. Though yeah, unless capital punishment isn’t a thing in this setting, now I’m really surprised that some portion of Ocher’s crew didn’t attempt to run for it while their own ship was operational, since… yeah. Considering what Ocher was like and how he implies that he’s brutally murdered a bunch of Pokémon in the past, it’d be hard to imagine that he and a decent chunk of his crew wouldn’t be hung or else get stuck with a fate that’d make them wish they were hung after getting remanded into a government’s custody.

“Priva- what? ”

“Privateers! Nothing more, nothing less!”

Rene: “I’m… guessing you don’t remember that term either from your amnesia, huh?” -_-;

Maxim racked his brain around that word. Privateer Privateer Privateer… I’ve heard that term somewhere before… Think it has some relation to pirates. He paused as a definition came to mind. Privateer - someone with the right to pirate under government rights. In other words-

“Y-you’re pirates too?!” He squawked.

Yeah, I had a feeling that this was going to be a ‘romantic’ vs. ‘cutthroat’ pirate fight.

Drake waggled a feather. “ Priv-a-teers~! Get it right~!”

Maxim slapped a wing to his face. This long day was about to feel even longer.

Well, I don’t think that that’s gonna fly so hot if Drake plies waters under a hostile government, since… yeah, they’re just going to treat him and his crew like any other pirates. Though it’s definitely uncommon to see another story with thief-y protagonists like this.

Elsewhere, in the endless void..

“What were you thinking, letting him drop in without coordination?! Did you want him to die before he could even begin to realize his purpose?!”

Oh, so there’s more than one voice beyond the one that gave Maxim his personality quiz. Duly noted.

“Hmm, I suppose my calculations were off. Nevertheless, giving him a chance to meet another variable is the best outcome for him.”

Wait, ‘another variable’? As in Maxim isn’t the only human in Alrest his present world right now.

“All the knowledge of the world, and yet you failed! How can you even call this the best outcome?”

“Oh dear sister, always driven by your emotions. He is a hardy individual. If you do not believe me, then wait for the next ‘experiment’ to begin. Even our sibling would agree.”

“Hmph, fine! But should you fail to keep it under control… then I shall step in.”

>our sibling

Wait, are these all Legendaries chatting with one another? Since I’m getting that vibe right about now.

Also, I see Drake’s just as dashing in art as he is in the story. ^^

Well, that was quite the ride there. I’d seen a few other reviewers compare this story to Fledglings which I and @Virgil134 work on, and… honestly, I can see the resemblance, even if the cast is quite literally a bit up in the clouds. It’s got that bright adventure-y vibe with dark undertones or implications lingering here and there, which is a convenient mechanism for making things get real™ when the narrative calls for it, which is a surprisingly uncommon vibe for PMD fanfictions in general. Also that chapter art. Mixed media presentations are always rare birds from how much effort it takes to pull them off, but man is it done well here.

As for critiques, the full rundown is in the line-by-line, but beyond the formatting of your TR version being distracting with all the extra newlines that are just there for some reason, the biggest issue that I had was that sometimes the description was a bit lacking and made it a bit hard to follow things, or else felt like it made parts play out a bit faster than they should. I was a little ambivalent about the way Ocher’s crew was handled, since while I can buy the idea that they could be baited into biting off more than they can chew, I have to wonder if their decision-making is fully logical from their perspective. Like if they’re getting wrecked to the point that they’re not inflicting meaningful losses on the Serene Grace after boarding in spite of being dropped by the heapload, you'd think that they’d start being less eager to charge into battle short of it being established that “stay and fight or else” is Ocher’s standard operating procedure for his crew. Also, when Ocher gets dropped and the brilliant idea to raid the Serene Grace goes to hell, I’m a little surprised that everybody on his crew just… gives up there. Like obviously, if their ship just casually gets blown out of the sky or visibly disabled or put in a position where it can’t flee without one of the prior two happening around the time that Drake calls for a surrender, it’d make sense since the alternative is getting beaten into submission. But given that that wasn’t described happening, I’m legit surprised that none of the pirates attempted to bolt to regroup sans Ocher so they could reorganize with whoever managed to get away and raid and loot another day.

But all-in-all, it didn’t take me that out of things, and I honestly probably missed some things in my review thanks to being too busy having fun with the story and how it was playing out. I’ll be keeping an eye on this one, @Z102eternal . I mean, yeah, some of it’s personal bias on my part, but you’ve genuinely got a potential gem of a story here, and I’ll be looking forward to see where you’ve been taking it. ^^

 

[Umbramatic]

Hi! Here for Review Blitz! I have returned to your fic for another round.

Last we left off - oh right, pirates. Angry vicious pirates of tougher Type varieties. Hoo boy.

Haha boy Rene is really getting slammed.

But Clyde sticks up for her. Which involves some sort of very bright Orb.

A Quaquaval! And one with style! Knocking over pirates like bowling pins!

"Duck you idiot" no the Quaquaval is a duck, Maxim is an owl.

Lmao Maxim is told to just hide and not get in the way.

Most of this is just one big fight scene so I don't have much commentary but that's not a criticism because you're pretty darn good at fight scenes. I'm envious.

sqeemz the owel

A Braviary! You don't see those in any Pokefic much, PMD or no.

The pirates have been kicked in the booty. All in a day's work.

Maxim is intimidated by the much bigger birb.

Captain Drake SPARKLES, essential for any anime pretty boy, er, duck.

Privateers, pirates, they're TOTALLY different, shut up Maxim, you know nothing you stupid owl

Ah yes. The VOID. There are voices in the VOID. Talking about test runs, and our local stupuid owl being one of the,. They are brother and sister. Probably Legendaries. And they have plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans. Excellent, delicious intrigue.

Also very nice art of Drake there.

That was pretty nice again! Again half of it was a big kablooie fight scene but that didn't matter because also again you are good at those. And we are getting into the deeper mystery with Maxim! Yaaaaaaaaaaay! Thanks for posting

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, I decided to take advantage of the longer than normal day on my end of things to square away some loose ends for reading commitments, which took me to the last chapter that I hadn’t gotten to as part of our review exchange:

Chapter 3

Also, I’ll get it out of the way, but yeah. Don’t forget to fix the spacing of the TR version of your story.

Spoiler

Privateers, huh?

Maxim pondered over the term. To be rescued from pirates by pirates. Fate was truly laughing at his expense again.

I mean, is that really so unbelievable considering how even normal criminals have a tendency to infight at the drop of a hat, Maxim?

“So you are all privateers? What does that mean?” Maxim asked.

Drake raised a wing to his chin. “Well, we do a lot of things. Exploration, capturing targets, fighting pirates, you name it!”

Maxim: “... I’m sorry, but Ocher and his crew literally just tried to do that and they’re outright pirates, so what exactly is the difference again?”

Drake: “We have state backing!” ^v^

The Quaquaval leaned down at Maxim. “I’m surprised you’ve never heard of that term. It should be well known out here in the Southwestern Skies. Are you from another country, perhaps?”

Oh, so there’s outright different countries in this setting. Though I suppose it’d make sense otherwise Drake would have a whole lotta nothing to steal as a privateer.

“Well I, uhh, I have a bit of memory loss,” he stammered. I better just play into it for now. Not like he’ll believe me falling out of the sky…

“Memory loss?” Drake asked.

Maxim: “Um… yes? That’s not normal around here, is it?” .^.

The Rowlet nodded. “Yes sir. I remember falling through the sky, then something caught me and I blacked out. When I woke up, I was aboard the ship. I don’t remember anything before that.” Maxim glanced down, unable to look Drake in the eye.

Drake:

Maxim: “(Oh boy, not even a day in and I’m already getting in trouble.)”

“Oh man, sounds like a hassle!” Drake groaned. “And going by what Signal told me, you didn’t have a poke to your name either! Do you at least have an idea of what you want to do now?”

What I want to do? Well…

Maxim: “Not dying would be a nice start?” ^v^;
Drake: “Well, you certainly picked the right crew for that, there!” o<o

There wasn’t any sort of thread or established base he had in this world, only some vague idea of his purpose to be here.

Save the world, but from what?

An evil snowflake? I mean, you did fall into the world full-on Gates style, so… :P

“I don’t really know. I do want to get my memories back, but I don’t even have a way of figuring that out. No leads, or anyone I can ask. Nothing.”

[ ]

“How tragic to have to deal with that on your own, with no one to help you out.But~!” The Quaquaval flashed a grin. “If you need a good starting point, have I got an offer for you! How about you joi-”

IMO, this section would benefit from Drake getting some sort of reaction in terms of body language to Maxim where he studies him or something like that, since it just feels like something is missing there.

“HEY BOSS!”

A voice yelled from across the deck. Maxim did a double take at Rene effortlessly carrying a burlap sack twice her size. His shock wore off as she tossed the sack at Drake’s feet, causing tied-up orange scarves to fall out.

The Mienfoo spoke with a smirk. “Deck crew worked extra fast this time! We’ve got most of the raiders chained up already!”

Maxim: “Wait, are all of those pirates you caught just chilling on the deck right now? Isn’t that a serious security hazard for you all?” .^.
Drake: “I’m sure we have a brig somewhere… Probably. Maybe.” ^v^;

Drake returned the grin. “Well done! Bisha might make us a larger quilt this time!”

“Well if she does, she better let us actually fly it like a flag this time!”

“No promises!”

A quilt, huh? Well that’s definitely an unconventional war trophy there. Just how many of those do they have lying around on the Serene Grace anyways?

Watching them going back and forth was quite the surprise. Coupled with how she acted around Conner, the Mienfoo wasn’t much of a grouch after all!

The conversation was finally broken by Drake raising a hand to his beak. “I’m glad to see you in such high spirits Rene, but you look rather scratched up.”

Oh, so she did get hurt from getting smashed into the deck repeatedly. I was getting some mixed signals from last chapter.

Rene rubbed the back of her head. “That dragon bastard roughed me up a bit, yeah, then his crewmates had to keep poppin’ up like weeds! But no worries, I pulled them out all just the same!”

Ocher Underling #1: “We’re right here, you know!”
Rene: “I mean, you’re the ones chained up right now, so… are you really gonna tell me I’m wrong?”

“That’s good and all, but I still want you to get looked at before you try doing anything else.” Drake sighed. “It’s no good if my crew members aren’t in top shape.”

“Yeah, Yeah. ‘Don’t overdo it.’ You don’t have to tell me twice. “ The Mienfoo sighed while crossing her arms. “I’ll head to the Med Bay, no worries.”

Which is probably pretty empty given how every explicitly depicted member of the Serene Grace last chapter was just deleting pirates all day everyday, but I wonder if we’ll get to see that ourselves.

She walked off, only sparing Maxim a side glance.

Should I go talk to her? Would she even want to speak with me after being such a burden?

Come on, Maxim, you know you want to…

“Oh I’m sorry we got interrupted. She’s pretty eccentric!” Drake said.

“Yeah, I can tell.”

Maxim looked back at Ocher’s pirate ship. The sails were curled up and blue-scarved mons roamed on board , taking apart pieces of the ship. A group of orange-scarved mons were tied around the center mast with the pirate captain himself slumped over in the center.

Oh, well that would definitely help for handling those pirates without an apparent brig.

Maxim: “Wait, isn’t that ship still flightworthy? How did none of Ocher’s pirates get the idea to try and flee with it anyways?”

Drake: “Not sure, really. (I suppose I should’ve threatened to blow them out of the sky or something now that you mention it.) But hey, it made our crew’s lives a lot easier!”

“Hey, Captain. What’s going to happen to those pirates?” He asked.

Drake flashed him a grin. “They were our bounty this time, so we’re taking them to Calvin Island, less than a day from here. By tomorrow, we should be there with the bounty in tow!”

Maxim: “That… didn’t answer my question there, Drake.”

Drake: “They’re more of a ‘law enforcement’ problem once we hand them over, really. Besides, they were all kinda terrible Pokémon who would’ve done terrible things to the crew if they were physically capable of it, so don’t feel too bad for them.”

[ ]

“I saw they’re tied up, but what if they try to break free and cause trouble again?” Maxim said. He shuddered at the thought of being held at knifepoint by a crazed dragon again.

“No need to worry! Our talented crew is busy dismantling their ship, as you can see! If they get bold enough to break free and try to sail away…”

He took a nearby rock, raised it to the air, and let it drop back down. “Hahahaha!”

This feels like there should be a bit more description from Maxim’s end of things, especially if he’s not finding Drake’s immediate answer reassuring or something like that.

Maxim: “Drake, why are you just this chipper about the idea of casually throwing Pokémon overboard to their deaths?!”

Drake: “Again, terrible Pokémon who would’ve done terrible things to us if they could’ve. You learn to stop being bothered by it after a while.” ^v^;

Maxim let out a small gulp. “Okay that’s good enough for me!”

Mercifully the Quaquaval moved on. “Now then, back to what I said earlier. I think you should join my cre-”

Maxim: “U-Um! I just remembered that I got scuffed up myself and should go after Rene in the Med Bay-!” OvO;

Again, he was interrupted, this time by Signal’s flashing headcrest. Both of them had forgotten the Braviary had been sitting in place this whole time.

Maxim: “Oh thank goodness, since I’m really not sure that it’s a good idea to get involved with these guys.”

“Argh! I forgot all about your report!” Drake shouted. “Sorry for getting too carried away!”

He knelt down and patted Maxim on the head. “I’ve got urgent business to handle! Once that’s taken care of, I’d like to have a meeting with you later today on additional topics.”

A meeting? What else could he want from me? Maxim furrowed his brow. “Sure thing, Captain Drake. I’ll see you then.”

Drake: “So… should I take this as you officially having joined Aqua Step?” ^v^
Maxim: “Let’s… not get crazy here.” >v>;

“Thanks! I’ll be waiting for you in my quarters!” He pointed to the end of the ship. A blue door was right below the steering wheel. The Quaquaval took his leave, giving Maxim a bit of space to breathe.

“YO, ROWLET!”

Whelp, so much for that.

Or so he thought. As he turned around he was greeted with Connor rushing towards him, flanked by a Hakamo-o and a Weavile. Before Maxim could respond, the Floatzle kicked a tiny broom his way.

Maxim stared at it with a raised brow. “A broom?”

Maxim: “Also, wait. I swear that I’ve seen those two from Guiding Light before-”
Weavile: “Technically, you’re thinking of a Sneasel and a Hakamo-o. And I’m pretty sure that if we were remotely close to them, we’d be busy in the galley right now.” ^^;

“Yep, that’s right! If you’re gonna just stare around, then you’re gonna make yourself useful and help me brush the blood n’ guts off the deck!”

I… did not realize that the battle back in Chapter 2 was that violent and visceral, but okay then...

His eyes widened as his stomach lurched.

Conner’s Hakamo-o companion smacked him on the shoulder and gave him a fiery glare. “Oi oi oi, you’re scaring the lad half to death talking like that! Sorry, he’s got a messed up sense o’ humor!”

Oh, well, nevermind then. Somebody’s just a fan of black comedy there. Though it makes me wonder if something like what the Weavile was getting at actually has befallen the Serene Grace at some point in the past.

The Weavile shook her head. “He’s got a point. If you’re able-bodied, you can work. Crewmember or not, we’ll take everything we can get!”

“Well uhh, I don’t remember how to use a broom,” Maxim said. It wasn’t like he was exactly lying!

A snort came from the Weavile as she crossed her arms. “Yeah right, next you’re going to tell me you forgot how to fly.”

Maxim: “Well, now that you mention it…” ^v^;
Weavile: “Yeah, yeah, really funny. Get to work with the rest of us, Rowlet.”

“Well,” Maxim said. “Would you believe me if I said yes?”

That got the trio to stare back at him. Conner’s jaw dropped. The trio put their heads together, trying and failing to whisper out of his earshot.

“Is he serious?”

Maxim:

“What the hell happened to him?”

“Did he get hit on the head one too many times during the fighting?”


“Maybe he’s always been crazy?”

Maxim: “Yeeeeeeeah, whoever sent me here to stop the… whatever I’m supposed to stop really should’ve prepared me better.”

Maxim rubbed his temple. “I can hear you three! And hey, I’m not crazy! I just have amnesia!”

Conner: “Wait, you mean there’s a difference?” ^^;

“Amnewha- OH! So that's what Rene was talking about while we were busting heads! Well, you certainly haven’t lost whatever fire you’ve got burin’ inside, grass type!” Conner laughed. The other two joined in.

Maxim took the broom in his talons, quickly feeling disoriented with the extra weight on his foot.

“Ugh! How am I supposed to use this thing?!”

Connor: “You can hold things with your wings, right?” ^^;
Maxim: “That’s not how wings work!” >v<

Tsk! Just try to flap right above ground, then swing your foot from side to side.” The Weavile chimed in, rocking her arms back and forth. “C’mon! Heave! Ho! Heave! Ho!”

Oh, so the Weavile is a ‘she’. Duly noted, then. I can already tell that there’s a couple of characters in my own writing that you’re probably going to like.

Maxim flapped his wings as fast as he could and within a few seconds he was slowly lifting off the ground. Flapping his wings in a rhythm, the Rowlet wobbled in air.

Maxim: “I’m- I’m flying! I’m actually flying!”

Hakamo-o: “Connor, you’re sure that this guy just has amnesia again?”

“Uhh, what was that you just said? Rock back and forth right?” Maxim said.

The Weavile flashed her fangs in a wide grin. “That’s right! Heave! Ho! Heave! Ho!”

“Uhh okay, Heave! Ho! Heave…! Ho!” Slowly, he rocked the broom back and forth, causing it to brush the ground. The motion kicked up dust, forcing him to angle his wings in a way that blew it away from him.

It’s going to go straight into someone’s face, isn’t it?

“Heave! Ho! Heave! Ho!” She shouted.

His movement slowly became more focused as he relaxed his body just a little t[ ]. The broom swung in a steady motion.

You have a word that’s abruptly cut off here that I’m not sure how it’s supposed to be finished.

The Hakamo-o sighed. “Wow, I’ll be darned. You taught a flying type how to sweep, Silva. That’s an accomplishment.”

“Damn right, Herc! I’m just that good!” She boasted, placing a claw on her hip. “What do you think, Conner?”

‘Silva’ and ‘Herc’, huh? Filing those two names away for the future, since I can tell that we’re going to be seeing more of them in this story.

The floatzel swept his tails from side to side and side. “Well uhh, he needs to work on his technique some more.” He sighed.

“You heard him, Rowlet! Let’s see you move around!” Silva shouted.

Maxim: “Hey! I’m going as fast as I can here!” >v>;

Maxim was reluctant to follow her directions, but he had to show he could do at least this one task. Stumbling forward, he flew in a straight line, wobbling the broom along the path. Small clouds of dust moved ahead of him.

Oh, so this is basically the “Maxim learns to fly” scene, huh? It’s definitely a clever way of integrating it into getting to know other members of the Serene Grace’s crew and actually doing something practical on-deck.

“That’s it! More, more, more!” Silva cheered.

Maxim swept in a calm and steady pace, dust flying everywhere as he pushed forward.. Curiosity started to take over as he wondered how long he could keep this going.

Well, only one way to find out!

Careful what you wish for, Maxim. Especially since if you do too good of a job, you’re probably going to find yourself on deck cleanup duties a lot more often in the future.

Minutes ticked by as Maxim continued to fly and sweep, attracting the attention of several other deckhands who viewed the scene with silent curiosity and amusement. He was trailed by the trio Connor and the rest of his trio continued to trail after him, Silva still coaching him on. Right as he rounded the base of the center mast, a voice cut across the deck.

“Now what are you three doin’! Stop mankeyin’ around and get back to work!”

Maxim was startled and dropped the broom. All of them straightened up as Clyde bounced down from a rope above. The trio of Conner, Silva, and Herc gave him a small salute. “We’re sorry about it sir! We just wanted to have a lil fun with that Rowlet!” They shouted in unison.

Maxim: “Wait, what? But I thought that I was actually doing something useful right now-” ovo;

“Well if yah want to mess around, I guess I can cut your rum rations as a lil payment. How about that?!” He barked.

Oh, so there’s rum in this setting too, huh? Well, you can’t say that it’s not fitting for the vibe of a pirate crew under another name.

“N-NO SIR, WE’LL GET BACK TO WORK RIGHT AWAY!” They shouted before dashing away. Clyde set his sights on Maxim.

“Sorry about that, lad! Those three are good workers, aye, but take your eyes off them and they’ll be up to Arceus-knows-what!” He sighed and crossed his arms.

Maxim: “I’m… guessing that this isn’t the most professional ship out there, huh?” -v-;

“It’s alright, sir. At least I learned I’m good at something here.” Maxim said, staring at the ground. “It was a nice way to kill time before I met the captain.”

Clyde put his arms behind his head. “Drake wants to meet with yah?! I’m surprised. He rushed past me so quickly I couldn’t even tell him hello!”

Maxim: “Why, is that rare on this crew or something? Since he kinda gave off a vibe that he knew just about everybody.” ^v^;

“Yeah, said he needed to talk with Signal quickly, but he wanted me to come by. Not sure what about though.”

[ ]

“Hmmmmm, I can’t either say either.” Clyde said, shaking his head. “ But anyway, before you do meet him, how about you swing by the medical bay? Best to make sure you’re all good to go before that!”

Oh, so we are going to be stopping by the med bay this chapter.

That reminded Maxim. Cecil! I almost forgot! I should go back and see if everything’s alright with him!

I… honestly completely forgot about Cecil myself for a second there. I wonder if there should be a more explicit reminder of “oh right, the Kirlia in the med bay” given that we’re coming back to this after a long, action-packed gap in between.

“I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong. But I guess it doesn’t hurt to check.” Maxim nodded and walked on, searching for the hatch below. “Thanks, Clyde! You’re a really cool guy!”

The Politoed chuckled at his praise before giving him a wave. “No problem, lad! Give the doctor my regards will yah!”

Maxim: “Alright then, let’s see what Cecil is like since… I kinda completely forgot about him in between almost dying multiple times last chapter.” ^v^;

Past the hatch, the interior of the ship was undamaged. The only sign of the pirates’ attack was an unconscious pair of Seviper tied up to a wall. Their orange scarves were torn to shreds. As Maxim rounded the corner, Rene was walking out of the Medical Bay. The Mienfoo’s cuts and bruises had mostly disappeared; instead there were a few bandages around her body and below her right eye. He straightened up as she walked over.

Maxim: “Wait, shouldn’t there be a lot more of those pirates that you all beat up in here? Since some of them kinda got thrown around hard.” .^.
Kirlia: “Nah, terrible Pokémon that would’ve done terrible things to us. I’m sure they’ll make it until we can dump ‘em for their bounties. Also, they’re hostis generis humani, so we’ve got some wide latitude for how we deal with them.” ^^
Maxim: “(Oh well that’s not worrying and dubiously ethical at all there…) But whatever, let’s just move right along into things.”

“Well, you’re just the mon I wanted to see. You look fine, besides a few ruffled feathers,” She said, crossing her arms. “That’s good.”

Maxim raised a brow. Praise? Did some imposter replace her? He decided to roll with it for now. “Yeah, I’m doing good. Can’t say I enjoyed having two heart attacks in one day. But this seemed usual for you and the others. Do you always try and catch pirates like this?”

Maxim: “Since, just saying, if they hadn’t been laughably weak compared to you all when they boarded…”

The weasel placed a paw on her hip and sighed. “Not all the time. Would have been harder to nail the guy with a good ole fashioned hunt. Certainly not with a ship like this.” She pointed at him. “But if you really wanna know more about us, just ask the Captain! He’s waiting for you anyway, right? Try not to take too long getting there!”

Maxim nodded. “Sure thing.”

Maxim: “Oh, well that was an uneventful visit to the med bay, but whatever. At least Rene’s alright from getting ground into the deck.” >v>;

Rene walked on past him for a bit before turning back. “Oh, one more thing. I guess I got you all wrong back there, yeah? Thought you were a spy n’ all. Wanted to say, my bad.”

Maxim froze. The last thing he expected her to say was an actual apology. “Hey! Wait a moment!” Maxim called out. By the time he did, the weasel had already turned around the corner, long gone.

I take it that Rene isn’t the type to give apologies easily or frequently from how quickly she just ghosted everyone after that.

Well, at least she’s still got plenty of energy in her. He thought, turning back to his destination and heading in.

The overpowering scent of alcohol and other chemicals filled the room. Replacing the dim atmosphere was candlelight from sconces around the room. Several beds were occupied by different mons sporting minor scrapes or bruises. Towards the back, a Sandslash had a black tarp wrapped around their body while a Krokorok had their mouth wrapped shut with white gauze.

Oh, so the pirates they caught are getting medical attention after all. Maybe.

Maxim: “I-Is that Sandslash dead there?”

Cecil: “Nah, that’s just restraints. If he was dead, we’d have just thrown his corpse overboard. No reason keeping it around stinking the place up.”

Two pokemon were moving through the rows: an elderly Audino wearing small rimmed glasses poking patients with a wooden cane, and the other had mint green.

“Cecil?”

The Kirlia was busy dispensing pink energy to an unconscious Cacturne wrapped up in protective sheets. On hearing Maxim’s voice, he tilted his head toward him.

“Maxim? Oh thank the Emerald Dragon , you’re safe!”

Maxim: “Er… are these all pirates that were defeated on-deck?”

Cecil: “Yes, and? We do need them alive to get their bounties.” ^^;

He quickly hugged the Rowlet, still managing the flow of energy. Maxim couldn’t help but return it. After the day’s events, the gesture was a welcome gift.

“Yeah! I’m glad to be in one piece! When their captain grabbed me, I thought I was going to get skinned alive! But then, I got rescued by that huge eagle. Signal, I think!”

Cecil raised a hand to his mouth. “My goodness! At least he was able to save you!”

Maxim: “Um… just asking, but how often does stuff like this happen to you all again?”

Maxim avoided eye contact with Cecil for the next part. “Also, I talked with the captain. He told me you knew about everything. Is that true?”

The pink glow faded from the nearby bed as Cecil lowered his head.

“Y-yes, that is true. You see, I am also a member of this crew, like everyone else. The operation was supposed to be an hour at least from when you went up to the deck,” Cecil explained. “I figured Rene would have hopefully brought you back in time before things began. But when I saw her again, I knew that wasn’t the case!”

He hugged Maxim again much tighter than before. “It’s my fault you were put into harm’s way! What kind of medical practitioner lets his patient walk into harm’s way?”

IMO, this second paragraph should be divided up into a few smaller pieces. I gave a throwaway suggestion of one potential way of dividing things up.

Aww crap, I didn’t mean to have him break down on me! Maxim thought.

“Uhhh hey, don’t cry! I’m still here, unharmed!” Maxim wiggled a wing. “See? You can scan me like before just to check right?”

Cecil wasn’t described crying or being close to it. You might want to make that a bit more explicit there before this section.

“Yes, but that still doesn’t excuse my poor judgment. What if you had been hurt, or worse?” Cecil said, shaking his head.

[ ]

“Well, it’s good we don’t live in a world where that happened.” Maxim said.

I kinda wonder if Maxim should’ve had more of a reaction to what Cecil said there, since… yeah, that fear of Cecil’s was almost realized last chapter. Multiple times.

“Good for you, but can you two have your little moment outside my operating room?” A deep and gravelly voice said.

Maxim and Cecil turned around to find that the old Audino was glaring at them both. His face was as red as a tomato, and his cane was constantly being tapped into the ground..

“Of all the things to see when I’m having to deal with this many patients.” He grumbled, raising his cane at Cecil. “Boy, I thought I told you to keep your emotions in check while caring for others! You let the heal pulse wear off right in the middle of patient care!”

I mean, on one level, this guy kinda reads like a bit of an ass, but you can’t say that from the perspective of actually practicing medicine that he doesn’t have a point there.

The angry Audino then set his sights on Maxim. “And you! What do you think you’re doing barging in here to distract my assistant? Unless your need for aid is desperate, wait your turn!”

[ ]

“Well sir, I was sent down here by Clyde, the deckmaster. He said that I needed to get a checkup before my meeting with the captain.” Maxim spoke.

Missing some description / internal commentary before Maxim turns to address the Audino there.

The Audino sighed and placed both hands on his cane, relenting his anger.

“Of course he’d send someone down here at the worst possible moment.” He adjusted his glasses. “He picked a terrible time for you to come, let me look at you real quick, boy!”

Maxim: “Um, no, that’s okay, I’ll just go and lea-”
Audino: “I said, ‘let me look at you real quick, boy.’” >:|
Maxim: “Y-Yessir.” OvO;

Before Maxim could speak, the Audino began to move his hands around the Rowlet’s spherical form. Once done, he stepped back and tapped his cane once again.

“Bah! You’re fine! It doesn’t take me examining you to tell that!” He grumbled. “Now go ahead and see the captain already!”

Maxim: “But you just- And- Ugh, whatever, I’m going now.” >v>;

At least he wouldn’t have to worry about following the old guy around. “Thank you, Doctor..?”

“Gerald. And now that I’m done with you, it’ll be back to working on the rest of them.” He tapped his cane three times before raising it at Cecil. “Come along, now! If you’re still feeling guilty, then at least make it up by completing your tasks.” The cane pointed over to Cecil’s previous patient, still tied up under the covers.

Maxim: “Boy am I glad that I’m not going to have to find out what the quality of these two’s care is like.”

Gerald: “Oi, our quality of care is perfectly fine! Especially when you don’t go and annoy us.”

“Yes sir, you’re right.” Cecil nodded, rising to his feet. “I apologize for letting my emotions get the best of me. I’ll keep them in check next time.” The Kirlia gave Maxim a small wave. “I promise I’ll find a way to make this up to you, Maxim. And one more thing before I go.”

“What is it?”

“I meant every word I said about regaining your memories. I hope you’re able to find yourself again!”

Maxim: “Er… thanks? I just hope that they don’t take too long to come back…” ^v^;

A warm feeling spread through Maxim’s chest. For the first time since coming to this world, he felt a smile tugging at the side of his beak. Now there was only one thing left to do.

Maxim: “Right. Drake and Signal. Though I’m still not sure what exactly it was they wanted to see me for.”

The sun was beginning to set and bathing the deck in orange when he came back up. Maxim made his way to the stern, the area devoid of anyone nearby. Right below the elevated deck was a blue door with wavy gold and white patterns etched along the edges. No mistaking it, this had to be the captain’s door. Maxim held in his uneasiness as he inched closer.

I better not keep him waiting any longer. Let’s see, what if I hopped up here?

You’re sure that you don’t want to go and knock first there, Maxim?

He gently turned the knob using his talons. It was a modestly sized room with almond-colored wood lining the floor and thick wooden shelves covering the walls. On the shelves were various books and souvenirs ranging from the severed tusk of some unknown beast to a sky blue teardrop-shaped gem embedded in a chunk of rock. Towards the back of the room and tucked in one of the corners was a small bed, thin and gray sheets neatly folded on top of the mattress.

>severed tusk of some unknown beast

I can’t tell whether or not that’s a sign that Maxim’s reflexive memory doesn’t work on parts of Pokémon, or if it’s a sign that it’s not from a normal Pokémon.

Underneath the oval windows was the heart of the room itself: the captain’s desk. Wide, glossy, and square, it held stacks of papers and leather-backed books neatly arranged on its surface. A small, yellow globe and a long, thin candle were set apart at opposite ends at the desk. In the center rested a tied blue scarf bearing Drake’s symbol, next to Ocher’s detached tailblade.

Huh, cute doodle there.

The captain was slouched into a leather chair behind the desk, turned away from the approaching Maxim while swirling an empty wine glass in his feathery fingers.

Well, somebody’s got fancy tastes there. Though I suppose Drake really did give off a vibe like he’d be a ‘wine’ kind of ‘mon.

Maxim craned his head up in an attempt to speak. “I’m here captain, right on time. There’s something you wanted to talk about with me?”

His words seemed to fall on deaf ears, as the captain continued his action uninterrupted. Silence lingered in the room for an uncomfortable few seconds, as Maxim felt a chill creeping up his back. Finally, the captain broke the silence with a smooth and deep voice.

“Have a seat.”

Maxim: “Um… I’m not sure if it’s even possible for me to sit down with these legs-” .^.
Drake: “A perch, then. Point is, let’s take a moment to chat.”

Maxim turned to one of chair on his left then hopped into it. Swiveling his chair around, the captain placed down the wine glass on the desk. Compared to the bombastic display he put on during his grand entrance and intervention, this was a complete 180.

“Now then, let’s talk about you . ”

Maxim:

The Rowlet gulped as the captain’s gaze dug into him. Both of his feathery hands were folded below his face as he continued.

“So me and Signal had a long chat about things, including how he found you. I’ll admit, I found it a bit hard to believe that you fell from a hole in the sky, but Signal’s someone I’ve known and trusted for years. He wouldn’t fib, not even once.”

He reached under his desk and took out a small glass bottle. Inside was something that resembled rainbow-colored glass shards that shimmed brightly despite the lack of light. Maxim felt a strange pull towards the material, leaning forward, only for Drake to return the item back to its hiding place.

Oh, so those rainbow shards have something to do with summoned humans, huh? Since I saw Maxim’s reaction there.

The Rowlet blinked several times, as if snapped out of a trance. A shiver ran up his back. “That thing in the bottle, just what was that?”

“Oh, it was some kind of material that covered your body when Signal picked it up.” Drake said, combing through his feathery crest. “He brushed it away and kept it hidden in a small bottle he had on him. Pretty convenient!”

Huh. Wasn’t expecting to hear that one. Though I suppose that’s one sign that Maxim didn’t go cleanly from his human world to this one.

Maxim groaned. “He found that on me? Then can you at least tell me what it is?”

“That’s the thing, I don’t know myself.” He shrugged. “Another mystery to add to the growing pile.”

Maxim: “Wonderful. Can I go now?” >v>;

The Quaquaval folded his hands again, and this time Maxim could feel his gaze boring into his soul.

“I know giving your amnesia you probably won’t know what I’m going to mention, but would you like to hear a little…history lesson?”

Maxim: “Do I even have a choice right now?” .^.
Drake: “No, not really. But I figured that I’d be polite about it.” ^v^

Is now really the time for a lecture? Maxim thought. Oh well, I hope this is useful.

“Sure thing, captain.”

Drake cracked a smile before clearing his throat. “Ahem. Quite some centuries ago, there was a skies spanning war, one that saw countless lives impacted and destroyed. It seemed like the world would tear itself apart, until six individual pokemon stepped forth and brought an end to the chaos. These six mons are still somewhat celebrated to this very day. Though there was one that has an air of mystery to them, even now.”

Aha, important war of yesteryear, even if at first I thought that it’d have some relation to how the setting’s world was created. Getting some Aegis War vibes from this one.

Drake loomed over the desk, almost casting the room into the shadow.

“This little lecture isn’t me going off a tangent. You see, the reason why is that this pokemon was said to have been brought from another world, originally a being known as a human.”

Time crawled to a standstill, as Maxim’s heart nearly pounded out of his chest. A human..? Just like me?

Maxim: “(I’m suddenly feeling a lot more worried about the way that Drake was staring into my soul a bit earlier.)” ovo;

Drake noticed his reaction as his grin deepened within the shadows. “It’s said that when they came to this world, the field they appeared in was bathed in a shining rainbow glow, as if a gift received from the gods themselves. I can’t help but see a teeny-tiny bit of similarities, although they don’t mention a hole in the sky.”

Wait, meaning that something happened to Maxim’s arrival such that it went off-kilter? Or is that just folkloric embellishment in action?

He leaned back into his chair, much to Maxim’s relief. “It’s all just a legend, after all. I don’t exactly think you’re a human. But yours is a strange case. Never heard or seen this happen over the years I’ve flown through the skies.”

I take it that the human from legend didn’t have amnesia or else that detail didn’t survive into history, since otherwise, you’d think that the alarm bells would be going off a lot louder in Drake’s head.

Maxim racked his brain around the new information. This has happened before? And somehow he’s right on noticing what I might really be. Just who is this guy?

“Sir, if I may ask? If I was a human, how important would that be for you, or even the world?” He said.

Yeah, you’re not going to like the answer to that question, Maxim. I can already tell.

Silence settled in for a few seconds, then was broken by Drake’s laughter. “Oh my my my! It would be quite the discovery of the last few centuries! There’s plenty in this world that would view you as a powerful asset, or a dangerous tool to their own ambitions. To me, you would be a once in a lifetime opportunity to view!”

I can already see how Maxim is going to have problems later on in this story with that sort of answer.

“Lifetime… opportunity?” Maxim faltered.

“Regardless of who or what you are, I didn’t want to just pick you apart with my ramblings, I wanted to offer you a spot on my crew!”

[ ]

“Me? Joining a crew of pi-privateers?”

Another spot where IMO, Maxim should get in a moment to react to Drake’s line a bit more explicitly.

“Mmhph! That’s right!”

“But what would you get out of having me?! You must have heard it from Rene and the others right? I can’t fight at all! I couldn’t even sweep right with a broom! I’m just… useless.”

Maxim slouched in his chair, not even wanting to look Drake in the eyes. I bet even the last human was more talented than me. How does that voice have any faith in me?

It’s more faith that you’ll git gud before you’re needed for saving the world, which is pretty on-brand for how most humans come to PMD worlds canonically. ^^;

“Oh? But remember, you’re a pokemon! So what if you’re weak? We have the potential to strengthen ourselves through all sorts of challenges!” Drake boasted, puffing out his chest.

Drake took Ocher’s tail blade in his hand and raised it towards Maxim. “You want to get your memories back right? Then you’ll need to start somewhere. It’s time to make that choice, Maxim!”

Maxim: “Please don’t wave that around in my face, thanks.”

Thoughts of Rene flashed into his mind. From being nearly killed by Ocher, to bouncing back and wreaking havoc on his crew. She had gone through it all without batting an eye. Could he really pull off something like that in the future?

Not with that attitude, you won’t, Maxim.

“ I hope you’re able to find yourself again!”

Cecil’s words still lingered, driving him to grip his talons into the chair’s wood. He has to do something, anything, to get his memories back! A stranger Drake may have been a stranger, but he was giving him a choice. Pushing reluctant thoughts into the back of his mind, Maxim sighed and made his choice.

“You’re right. Sitting around scared won’t help me. I’m here, and I’ll have to make the best of it.” He stares into Drake’s blue eyes. “I’ll join your crew, and find a way to return my memories one way or another.”

Though I suppose that Maxim could do a lot worse given that Drake and the gang are apparently way, way up there in terms of power scaling. Exactly the sorts of buds that you need in a world where you’re weak and have no idea what on earth you’re doing.

It grew silent again as Drake reared back. The Quaquaval reached up a hand to his crest, before bursting into laughter.

“That’s it! I knew you had it in you!” He says in between laughs. “Everyone has that fire within them, even if it’s a tiny ember!” Carefully slipping the tailblade into a drawer, Drake reached behind him and placed a tied blue scarf on the desk. He reached out a hand.

“Welcome aboard, Maxim!”

I mean, I suppose it was kinda inevitable given Maxim’s depiction in the official art, but yeah. Not beating around the bush at all for getting your characters where they need to be, huh? Makes me wonder just how quickly things are going to ramp up plot-wise.

Maxim took his hand and lightly shook it with his own wing. The blue scarf was placed slid neatly into his talons.

“Good, good, good! I think that's about it for now!” Drake nodded. “Only thing left for you to do is to sign one document for me!”

Drake, can Maxim even read whatever contract you’re trying to get him to sign right now?

He put a slip of parchment paper on the desk. Maxim’s eyes traced it all the way to the bottom, where a signature was laid out.

“What’s this?”

Drake moved a cup of ink next to the paper. “It’s the legally binding document that ensures that not only will you be a member of the crew, but you’ll be loyal enough to be willing to abide by our ways of living. Once you sign this, there’s no going back unless you choose to leave the crew, or I force you to. Understood?”

[ ]

“Understood.” Maxim said. “Now how do I sign it?”

Ah yes, just casually letting yourself get talked into signing a contract to become a state-sponsored actor with zero idea of what you’re getting into. This can only end well™, I’m sure.

Though I wonder if Maxim should mull things over at all, since he clearly understands what privateers are and why they’re potentially sketch, so it’s a little weird to see him just go ahead and sign a contract without stopping to think at all of what he might potentially be getting himself into.

“Place your claw into the ink and then press down on the signature line. That’ll be good enough for me!”

Maxim nodded and stuck his talons in, then pressed down on the paper. It only took a few seconds for the ink to harden dry and leave a three pronged footmark on the line.

Drake rolled up the paper, then tied it with a red string.

“PERFECT! You’re good to go, Maxim!”

Maxim: “Um… yay? Is it supposed to feel like nothing really changed, or…?” ^v^;

As much as Maxim felt he should celebrate a step forward, there was still lingering worry in his mind. “Okay, so what do I do now, Captain?”

“Mmmmm I suppose it’s rather late. The ‘orientation’ can start tomorrow. In the meantime how about you head to the mess hall and grab you something to eat? It should be right around the time they open up.” He did a shoo away motion with his hand.

Maxim: “Wait, but I thought that the deck cleaning I was doing was orien-” OvO;
Drake: “Ah-ah-ah! Need my privacy right now! Really, go and eat up, Maxim. You’ve earned it.”

The Rowlet hopped down, careful not to track any leftover ink onto the floor. He began to walk off, turning around one more time to see Drake waving him goodbye. Without another word, Maxim went through the door and closed it shut.

“Well, I hope this mess hall doesn’t take me long to find.” He muttered, walking over to the hatch.

I was going to say that the Serene Grace didn’t sound like it was that big of a ship, but… I suppose things have been ambiguous on that front, and Maxim is literally less than 2 feet tall, so it must feel gigantic to him.

“Well, that was quite the meeting…”

Drake sighed as he pulled out a bottle of wine, pouring it into his empty glass. With how well things went for this mission, it should be smooth sailing till the next. And yet…

He pulled out the rainbow shard’s bottle again, gently sitting it front and center. A chill went up his spine as he closely examined the object. By that Rowlet’s appearance, the winds of change would soon blow in across the world, and he might be front and center. Alas, he would have to wait to see what was next.

Oh, so Drake was lying about not believing that Maxim was human. I wonder what his game was there and if it did it to avoid getting into details that would’ve freaked Maxim out, or if there was some other motive in play.

On the corner of the desk sat a smooth gem, resembling an oversized pink pearl. Pressing down on it three times, he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

DINNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!

Wait, what on earth is that thing?

“Greetings, I see you have something to report to me. I assume that the operation has taken place?”

Oh, it’s a radio. Or a bland name version of a radio.

“Indeed. It’s been done. Ocher’s crew has been neutralized without issue.”

“ Magnificent! That would be the third one within the last two months! Stellar as always, Captain Drake!”

“Hmph, no problem. Fletchling crews tend to get rather cocky at some point. It took a bit of research, but it was an easy setup. I’ve dealt with worse, you know. Much worse…”

… Do I want to know how politically unstable this world is if there’s just constantly a stream of cutthroats willing to roll the dice with plundering on the high skies?

“ Of course. I will make sure to still reward you accordingly! You will be on standby for a little while. I have another mission for you, but it is not a bounty. Of course, I have to keep you on your toes.”

“Acknowledged.”

“ I suppose the finer details can be handled at the meeting. But before I go, there seems to be something on your mind. What is it?”

Oh boy, time to see whether or not Drake lets slip what Maxim is. Since if his employers find out that he’s human… Drake might have to choose between being a privateer and having Maxim on his crew in very short order. .-.

Drake hesitated for a few seconds, mulling over his next few words carefully.

“En route to the rendezvous point, my first mate came across a peculiar pokemon. One that I think will be of interest to us both…”

Whelp, no takebacks. Though I’m not convinced that this isn’t going to wind up becoming a massive headache for Maxim in the near future.

Alright, made it to the end. I take it that this was a cooldown chapter after two chapters of things accelerating really fast that basically served to: A: get Maxim able to fly around, B: get Maxim better-acquainted with the crew and especially with Drake, C: establish that humans are SRS BSNS in this world and tee up hints of future conflict and intrigue. To that end, this chapter did things quite well. The characterization was also fun to watch, with Conner and his buddies being the main standouts along with Drake, while the others were unfortunately a little too hi-bye to make a firm additional impressions, but I suppose we already got to see them a bit more earlier on, so getting little wrinkles added wasn’t the end of the world.

As for criticisms. The number one flaw that I see with this chapter is that you have some spots that are cut at little too far to the bone in the interest of having a short and snappy chapter where description would go a long way towards setting a scene or more importantly, getting into Maxim’s head and showing off how he’s ticking as a character. I kinda also wish that we’d gotten to see a bit more of some characters, especially Rene and Cecil given that they appear to be set up to be pretty important from the supporting art to this story, but I suppose that there will be more opportunities for that in the future. There were also a couple of quibbles that I had regarding the logic of how Ocher’s pirates were dealt with, but those are largely carryovers of issues that I had in Chapter 2, so I won’t harp on it too hard.

But all-in-all, I thought that this was a fun chapter, and basically a cap on the introductory arc to the story. Or at least I think it was. I’m really interested in seeing where things go from here, @Z102eternal , and even if this is probably it for the story on my end during Review Blitz, I’ll be looking forward to seeing where things go from here in the future.

 

[Gyeig]

Review of Chapters 6 and 7​

Spoiler

Yup, doing another one of these before the end of the Blitz. Going to go over another two chapters real quick, shouldn’t be too much new in these but we’ll see.

Pretty much all of the same things I said in the previous reviews still applies here unsurprisingly, so I won’t bore you to tears by just restating the exact same points I made there. Going to go over some chapter specific things this time around.

First things first, Hurik and Celeste are antagonists! That was a twist I wasn’t expecting. Sure shows how gullible I’d be if I ended up in this world somehow, haha. Anyway, that addresses the worries I wrote about earlier of how they’d fit into the storyline and the whole privateers dynamic - they’re the baddies. Plus, they’re working for someone bigger. Gonna be real interesting seeing how that develops in the future.

Other than that, not much else to say story wise that I haven’t said already. Doing a good job on that front alright.

With that said, I’ll bring up some points which I think you should have a look at, since they can be a pretty big deal for some readers.

First, the prose gets pretty damn repetitive at times. Either it’s stating Maxim’s thoughts out loud in a way that’s already implied from dialogue, or it’s just plain edging towards verbosity. An example from Chapter 6 would be this tidbit near the start:
>"Maxim groaned and rolled out of his hammock. The start of a new day had arrived, and with it, another jolt out of bed."
This was prefaced by a character doing the Loudred “UP AND AT ‘EM!” bit a moment earlier, so it’s necessary to state again. Now these kinds of individual examples are all small beans, but the small adds up to something bigger. Best to nip it in the bud before that happens.

Something else I want to comment on is the introduction of the ghostly figure in Chapter 6 - Granted, you know far better than I do how important this character is to the overall plot, but I’m assuming it’s pretty important given the drawing of this character that is given after just the first paragraph. IMO, the text doesn’t convey their importance all that well, and it feels somewhat glossed over. Even moreso given that Maxim probably isn’t used to seeing ghosts, yet here he looks to see one suddenly staring at him out of nowhere. Should elaborate on it a little more.

Finally, Chapter 6’s opening has some inconsistent spacing - can’t remember exactly if I saw this more than just at the start of chapter 6, but it’s worth doing a quick editing pass over these chapters just to check for other spots where it’s off. Not the most thought provoking comment, but still.

Alright, I think that covers just about everything I wanted to mention. Some interesting developments in these chapters for sure, especially around Hurik and Celeste. Still enjoying this fic a lot, keep up the good work!