With the smell of fresh bread as a guiding arrow, it didn’t take Maxim long to find the mess hall. The expansive room was full of simple tables and chairs made of tanned wood. Windows lined the wall, a sliver of indigo sky visible through each. Ceiling lamps hung down like fruits from a tree. A singular chandelier dangled above the room’s main draw: a lengthy wooden station stacked with bread, soup, and other food Maxim couldn’t make out.
Cue the theme music:
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc9umKcoOOk
Though I’m surprised that Drake splurged this much on interior decorations for a ship that regularly gets fired on. Those privateer contracts must be quite generous to occasionally replace these swanky fixtures.
A long line extended from the station all the way to his position at the door, right to his position. He sighed as he realized he would have to wait for his meal. Within a few minutes, the line had steadily advanced. The Rowlet tried his best to keep from nodding off in line, looking around for some kind of focus to keep awake.
Hrm. I kinda wonder if it should’ve been indicated somewhere earlier that Maxim was feeling drowsy when coming to the mess hall, since this is admittedly coming a little out of left field right now.
“I see yah tryin’ to cut in line!”
“Cut in line?! Says the lying arse who’s trying to skip ME!”
Right ahead was the perfect distraction; a Crocalor and a Timburr at each other’s throats. The latter’s face was as red as the Crocalor’s own scales as he continued to lob insults.
Ah yes, firmly displaying how one ‘mon’s ‘privateer’ is indistinguishable from another’s ‘pirate’ in terms of manners. >:V
“Has your own heat roasted your brain, you lug? Don’t try and pass me then pretend I’m the one causing the problem! At least own up to it!”
The red gator spat out a small ember. “Bah! I’m no liar! You were the one oversteppin’ your boundaries especially with that oversized plank o’ yours!”
Maxim: “I’m… just going to take a step back from these two before the burny one sets the mess hall on fire.” ^v^;
“Oversized plank?!” The Timberr growled, raising said object at him. “Try saying that when this thing bonks you over the head, you moppet!” The Crocalor shot steam out of his nose, as heat began to flow from his maw. Before the two could come to blows-
KABOOMM!!
A purple projectile struck the floor near the arguing pair, shooting splinters and dust into the air. When the dust cleared, there was a hole burned into the ground by a slimy purple liquid. The crackle of dissolving wood was enough to make the duo jump back.
Ah yes, Sludge Bomb. Or at least I
think that’s a Sludge Bomb. Definitely one way of getting your underlings’ attention.
… Even if that makes me wonder what on earth the repair bills for the Serene Grace are like after every mission.
“Whoooopppssss~! My bad!”
A deep yet soft voice came from behind the countertop. The source was a pink and violet colored slowbro wearing a blue apron. A stubby arm rubbed the back of his head, while a strange, spikey shell covered his other one. Even from far away, Maxim could make out what looked like eyes at the base of the shell.
Maxim: “Yeah, that was totally on purpose, I can already tell.”
“No fighting, okay?” The slowbro said, waggling a finger from his normal arm. “It’s hard for others to eat when it's too noisy!”
The pair straightened up and quickly nodded. “S-sure thing, Hyde! We’ll get along!” They both said in unison before getting back in line.
Oh, so the cook has a name. Guess that’s one way to tell that we’re going to see him again in the future. Noted, then.
Thankfully, the line continued to move without issue. When the time finally came for Maxim to get his share, he took a closer look at the food selection. A thick block of cheese had been cut into many pieces, some placed on small metal plates. Stacks of rolls were placed beside a massive pot of stew being stirred by the Slowbro with another mon, a Grafaiai, perched on his shoulder.
>letting Poison-types handle food preparation
Sounds like a recipe for bad things winding up happening, but I’m going to assume that Hyde and his assistant know what they’re doing here.
“C’mon, you gotta stir it faster than that!” The simian spoke in a light, but aggressive masculine tone. “
“Uh, excuse me?”
Huh. Maybe I got it wrong as to
who the cook and assistant were of these two.
The pair froze and glanced down at Maxim. The Rowlet weakly waved to them. “I was hoping to see what was being served here?” He said.
I just realized, but what
is going on in Maxim’s mind all this time. Since he’s waving weakly here, but I didn’t get a firm sense of what his inner thought process behind the mess hall and its occasional bouts of chaos was, which might have helped contextualize his reaction here a bit more.
Both stared silently before the Grafaiai tapped his partner on the shoulder.
“Well, whatardya waitin’ for? Give the kid some grub!”
The slowbro poured some soup into a wooden bowl, then handed it to Maxim. The Rowlet looked over the soup with curiosity. “Huh, what type of soup is this?”
“Tamato Soup! A beloved special from yours truly, Cardin!” The Grafaiai said before taking a mock bow. “One taste and you’ll be knocked into the stars above!”
It probably would’ve made sense to take a moment to describe the appearance and texture of the soup, especially if it’s something that Maxim found alien and not reflexively tasty-looking.
“Heyyy, I helped too…” His Slowbro coworker sighed.
I don’t know how much crowd control really impacts the quality of your cooking, buddy. >:V
Cardin rubbed the back of his head. “Oh yeah and Hyde too, don’t wanna forget that! Anyway, enjoy your food! I’ve got to mark Hyde’s ‘accidental shooting’ tally again…”
Maxim: “‘Tally’? As in
he does this on a regular basis?”
Hyde: “They’ve been getting less frequent?” ^^;
Maxim looked back at the still-boiling hole in the floor and shuddered.
Maxim: “I should probably get in the habit of asking others to get food for me here in the future.” .^.
An unoccupied table in the back was the perfect spot for him to eat. Pokemon around paid him no mind, instead focused on celebration celebrating their recent victory over Ocher’s crew and chatting with friends. All the joyful energy in the air called to a familiar yet far away memory. Friends, had he done things in his previous world? Did he even have friends in his previous life? He pushed away those feelings of loneliness before they took root.
IMO, you should be a bit more specific about that ‘celebration’ there, especially for readers who are coming back to your story after a bit of a break, but that’s just me there.
“ It’s alright. I can worry about making friends later.” He thought. “ Besides, if I stare any longer my soup’s going to get cold.”
Lol, bold of you to assume the story’s not going to foist them on you nice and hard, Maxim.
He looked down at his meal. The orange colored broth had chunky bits peeking out of the surface, and a rich, earthen aroma radiated from the bowl. He took his first sip, and his world exploded into a mix of bitter, spicy and savory flavor. Again he took sip after sip as a hunger-induced trance took over. By the time he finally looked up from his bowl, it was practically picked clean.
“ They weren’t kidding! This is amazing!” He thought.
Oh, so
there’s our description of what Tamato Soup looks / smells like. I
do wonder if some of this should’ve been frontloaded to when Maxim gets his portion of soup for the first time, but it’s very nicely done in terms of helping to imagine what the soup is like.
With that satisfying dinner out of the way, Maxim only had one more thing to do: sleep! Arrows and signs helped to guide him down the hatch to the barracks floor, the day’s final stop.
Huh, so the signage of the Serene Grace is interpretable by Pokémon that don’t necessarily know how to read. I wonder if that has any implications for what literacy in this setting is like.
The gargantuan room stretched on and on, filled to the brim with hammocks strung between interlocking beams. So many of them were locked into a diagonal position it caused the room to resemble a maze of silk. Pokemon of all shapes and sizes were either adjusting their hammocks, talking with neighbors, or fast asleep. Larger mons, like a sleeping Tangrowth, easily occupied three hammocks by themselves. And yet it all happened without a care in the world.
I’m honestly surprised that nobody opted to heap up some straw on the ground to try and ensure that the floor was also used for sleeping accommodations. But I suppose that that’s where everyone keeps their personal effects.
His eyes drifted over to a currently unoccupied hammock next to a wall. The perfect place for him to nap. Maxim silently made his way over, looking from side to side to make sure he wouldn’t run into anyone. Hopping into the silk, Maxim turned on his side away from a group playing some kind of card game. Their frenetic whispers were easy to hear, but thankfully not enough to distract him. Amidst the dimming glow of candlelight, Maxim felt his eyes grow heavy.
Huh, so the hammocks are straight-up made of silk, huh? I wonder if that means that there’s some sort of spidermon on the crew that does the honors here.
Also, odds those sailors are playing TCG right about now?
Here’s hoping tomorrow is a smooth start… He thought right as sleep overtook him.
Aaaaaaand Maxim jinxed it. I can already tell.
#########################$#$#$$$#$#$@@@@@@@@@$@$@$@$@^&*^**^*(&^(*
F453ITEGH
FSHEGH
….
Let experiment number ^& commence!
Waaaait, if this meant to be Maxim’s memories, I wonder if it really makes sense to do keysmash characters. Since how on earth are you even supposed to say that out loud? .-.
Like if the idea is that these are supposed to be garbled voices, part of me wonders if it’d have been better to just described incoherent voices in Maxim’s dream or the like.
…
……
…………
……………….
“Well done! It was a success! Congrats all around everyone!”
I wonder if the ellipses here would’ve worked better with one longer set being used, since this admittedly feels like we have a bit of wasted space for text at the moment.
CLAP CLAP!
“Well, done Maxim, well done!”
CLAP CLAP!
“It wouldn’t have worked without your quick thinking Sa*$*#! “
“Hehe, if it wasn’t for your suggestion, I wouldn’t have figured out how to adjust the power source! You really are your- $@$^
Oh, so the garbled text is meant to be blanks in Maxim’s memories. I’m not fully sure if I see eye-to-eye with how it was done, but I get what you were going for here now.
MAXIM!
<><><>
BAAAAAAAAAARIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG
BARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!
“RISE AND SHINE, THE WINDS OF TOMORROW ARE BLOWIN’ IN!”
Maxim was jolted out of the hammock by the loud noise. As he scrambled to get off the floor, he looked around. Daylight peeked out of small circular windows while pokemon rose up ready to meet the new day. Turning into a sizable crowd, they began to pour out of the room. He sighed and put on his scarf, trailing behind the rest.
I’m… not sure what point in this sequence is meant to be the break between Maxim’s dreams and reality, but it probably makes sense to firmly mark it with a linebreak. My
assumption was that it was before the alarm noises started happening, but that might have been off.
One by one the crew members came up to the deck, forming an unorganized crowd. In front of the crowd was Captain Drake, with Signal on his left and Clyde on his right. The Quaquaval stood straight, arms crossed dramatically in the blowing wind. His eyes remained closed as one feathery finger tapped on his arm. Once a few minutes had passed, his posture relaxed, only for him to let out a mighty yell.
… I’m super slow, but I just realized that name-wise the Serene Grace is basically led by ‘Captain (Male) Duck’. Makes me wonder if there’s other subtle groaners for names in this story.
“GOOOOOOOD MORNING MY LOVELY CREW~!” He bellowed. “Best be well rested, because Calvin Island approaches!” He turned around and pointed to the distant horizon. Sure enough, an island was slowly getting closer. He turned back to the crowd.
‘Calvin Island’, huh? Just filing that one away, though I wonder if that also implies that these islands are named after specific figures from the past or the like.
“Once we get there, it’s time to drop off this bounty, and claim another hefty reward. What do you all think about that?!”
“YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”
Maxim: “Wait, what
is going to happen to all those pirates we caught, anyways?” .^.
Drake: “
I mean, knowing the norm for pirates, they’re probably all going to be hung by the end of the week. But let’s not think too hard about the little details and think about the things we’re all going to do with that bounty money!” ^v^;
The crowd erupted into cheers, forcing Maxim to put his wings to his head. I can’t blame them after that ferocious fighting, but this is gonna take some getting used to.” A small sigh escaped his beak.
Maxim: “... Also, are all those pirates still
right here chained up on the deck at the moment?”
-
Ocher:
Maxim: “Oh… that’s just…
peachy. I really did not need to know that, thanks. (Seriously, don’t you have a brig or something for ‘mons like these, Drake?!)”
“I hate to dampen the mood, but I have some bad news to share. You see, the crew of Blue Horizon suffered an unexpected delay which means it will take them roughly three whole days at least to make it to the rendezvous point. As such, we will be staying on Calvin Island for the meantime.”
Maxim: “... Don’t you all basically have radios? Why wouldn’t we just arrange a new rendezvous point?”
Drake: “Because the implication is that we had trouble getting in touch, and also, taking a break is good for crew morale.” ^v^
All the cheering shifted into groans as a somber mood descended. Maxim was only confused at the news.
Drake remained unfazed. “No matter! This is a great opportunity to take a good break after a long month of work! Calvin Island’s a simple location, but a peaceful one. Enjoy yourself at the local stops, just don’t get drunk enough for us to leave you on the island!”
… Aren’t you all basically pirates contracted by a state actor? Just how drunk do you have to be to be
left behind by a crew like that? ^^;
Laughter bursted out as Drake puffed out his chest for another yell.
“AND REMEMBER, MOVE FORWARD ONE STEP!”
“AT A TIME!” The crowd returned back.
Ah yes, so the crew has their own equivalent of “Smiles go for miles”, duly noted.
“DISMISSED!”
The crowd slowly began to disperse, leaving Maxim to decide what to do next. Before he could come up with a plan, Drake appeared in front with Clyde in tow.
“Ah yes, Maxim, just the mon I wanted to see!” He grinned, before nodding at Clyde. “Let’s get things started shall we?”
… Right, that Politoed. I think it might have made sense to do an explicit species mention somewhere in this block, since for a second, I was blanking on who Clyde was since it’s been a while since I saw him.
Maxim fidgeted in place. Ahhh yeah, the “orientation”. Hope they won’t put me through hell.
Clyde cleared his throat. “Ah hem! Now then, since you’re now a new crew member, that means we’ve got to lay out some ground rules for ya!”
“Err, ground rules?” Maxim gulped.
Maxim: “... Wasn’t this something that you should’ve gone over with me yesterday?” .^.
Clyde: “I mean, we had a run-in with pirates about ten minutes after you showed up, so that kinda derailed things there.” ^^;
“Aye! Our Crew Codes! Every new crew member is required to know them by heart, and you’re no different!” Clyde grinned. The Politoed took out a small navy-blue booklet and began to read aloud.
inb4 it’s a Xerox of the Salvager’s Code from XB2
“The Crew Codes are to be followed at all times! Breaking them leads to a punishment reflecting the act! To start:
- Every crewmate is entitled to their own business and affairs, provided it doesn’t affect another crewmate or the crew itself.”
Maxim nodded, pleased that the crew wouldn’t bombard him with a bunch of questions without his permission.
Maxim: “... Wait, what exactly is the punishment for breaking these again?” ^v^;
Clyde: “We’ll get to that later, just keep reading for now.”
“2. Every crewmate shall work for their daily poke! This includes labor, raids, exploration, etc. Otherwise, no pay! Non-negotiable!”
Your formatting for this second point is inconsistent with the first one at the moment. You probably want to also add [ LIST ][ /LIST ] blocks around this one, too to keep it visually consistent with Rule #1.
Also:
Maxim:
“ Does being a flying feather duster count? Surely being good at sweeping is worth a few.. Poke or whatever money is called here.” Maxim mused.
Yeah, I figured.
“3. All crewmates are to be vigilant at all times, even when resting! Anyone caught slacking or goofing off at their post is subject to punishment, so no Horseaing around, got it?!”
>Horseaing
That one was painful. But fitting.
A certain trio came to mind, but Maxim chased the thought away.
Maxim: “... I mean, I suppose that’s a sign that enforcement isn’t super strict, so that’s a good thing, right?” ^v^;
“4. The most important one! A relationship between crewmates is built on trust! Therefore, you must swear that you will remain loyal to your fellow crewmate through thick and thin, and never leave the crew to dry! Anyone caught deceiving or betraying the crew’s trust for their own gain is to be kicked out and marooned from the crew! No ifs, ands, or buts!”
Definitely wouldn’t have expected
that one from a privateer crew, though I suppose that the Serene Grace is very firmly on the “idealistic” side of piracy/privateering, so it checks out. Even if that could potentially get
pretty fast depending on just how broadly ‘deceiving or betraying the crew’s trust’ is defined.
Though that now makes me wonder if Drake ever recruits from the pirate crews he busts up. I doubt he found anyone worthwhile from
Ocher’s crew in particular, though this code
does seem handy for keeping recruits you don’t fully trust in line…
Clyde shut the book with a mighty clap then placed it back into the bag around his hip. “Well that about covers it! Now then, since you’ve already signed the paperwork I think we can move onto the next step. Ain’t that right, Captain?” He winked at Drake, who nodded back.
Maxim: “Wait, what? That entire book seriously only had four rules in it?” .^.
Clyde: “Oh no, there’s a whole bunch of others, but these four are the ones that are most important to lay down first.” ^^;
Reaching into his bag again, Clyde took out a small sack, the clinking of coins giving way its contents. The bag landed at Maxim’s feet.
“Money?” Maxim said, cocking his head to the side. “Would this be my first ‘paycheck’ on the job?”
“Yep! 500 poke! Nice little starter bonus! Shame you joined the crew after we knocked down Ocher, else you would have gotten more than that!” Clyde grinned.
Maxim: “... I’m pretty sure that you just scammed me right now when that bat almost murdered me yesterday, just saying.” >v>;
Maxim scooped up the pouch and carefully tucked it away in his scarf. “Well thanks. I guess pay is pay.”
[ ]
“So what do I do now?” Maxim asked.
You’re missing some sort of action or reaction here to act as a bridge between Maxim’s lines. Alternatively, you could conjoin them together and axe the break between.
“Calvin Island is coming up soon. So while your partner gets ready, why not kill a little time on the deck?”
“Sure thing, I guess. Don’t have much else to do.”
Maxim: “... Are you
sure that you all don’t have a brig where you stuffed those pirates? Since I’d really rather not hear death threats snarled at me while walking around on the deck.” .^.
Drake: “... If you don’t see anyone from Ocher’s crew around, then we
probably have a brig somewhere below deck.”
Maxim wasn’t sure how much time had passed as he watched the island grow closer and closer past drifting clouds. Eventually he could make out several features: Forests and grassy plains stretched over the land, while at its heart was a town complete with a harbor filled with docked ships. Near the left edge of the island was a tall forest packed with strange, dome shaped trees. A simplistic yet diverse island, and a welcome place for the crew to stop by.
So… it’s Gormott, but not on a giant giraffe? /s
The ship slowly eased into harbor, careful to squeeze through the gaps provided by other docked ships, finally coming to rest in an open space between two smaller galleons. A loud clack followed by a jolt on deck occurred as gigantic metal rings clasped the ship’s side. Now that the ship had docked, Drake called out from the main deck.
Huh, I really
am getting some Gormott vibes right about now. Though so
that’s how docking works in this setting.
“Alright everyone, feel free to disembark!”
With another set of cheers, the crowd of privateers disembarked, only a few staying on deck. Maxim walked over to the ramp, but Drake’s leg stopped him.
“Oh hey! Don’t leave without your partner!” He chuckled before clapping his hands together. “Hey~! Over here!”
Maxim: “Wait, my part-?”
“Alright, Alright! Gimme a sec!” The voice from a very familiar weasel echoed. Running towards them with a bag in hand and scarf missing was Rene, a visible scowl on her face. Her gaze softened when she looked at Maxim.
The weasel placed a paw on her hip. “I’m not that good of a teacher, y’know! You remember how the last time went, yeah?”
Maxim: “Wait,
she’s my partner?!”
Rene: “Yeah? Got a problem with that?”
Wait, she was going to be his partner? Maxim turned to Drake, who nodded in return.
-snerk-
Yeah, I had a feeling there.
“Indeed! It’s been a while since poor lil’ Rene here had a partner, and I feel a fresh recruit like yourself should at least shadow under one of our best solo members!” He shot a wink at Rene, but the Mienfoo only shook her head. “She’ll whip you into shape in no time flat!”
Maxim:
Rene: “Okay, first rule. No reusing reaction memes in the same review.” >_>;
“ Well, I’ll give it a shot, Captain. As long as I’m not launching myself as a living cannonball like her.” He thought.
He’s totally going to get launched as a living cannonball at some point, I can already tell.
“Yea, yea, yea! I know I’m awesome. Let’s just get this going already!” The Mienfoo groaned. She pulled out an aged piece of paper, slowly unraveled it, and presented it to Maxim. The Rowlet found himself face to face with a map of the entire island.
Your links from Discord there are dead thanks to that purge they implemented a while back of external links that are more than about a month old. I gather that these pictures added a lot to the experience, so you should probably consider rehosting them on someplace like filegarden.
“Here’s your own copy, don’t let it go flyin’ away from you. See yah outside the ship.” Clutching her bag tightly, she slid down the ramp.
“Have fun you two! I’ve got business to attend to!” Drake chimed in, pointing down at the dock.
[ ] A group of armored pokemon wearing light blue scarves escorted the pirates off their ship one by one in chains. Then came Ocher, with the dragon held his head down and ears flat as his once proud form was cuffed to a wooden box. One of the armored mons, a spindly Watchog, pulled Drake to the side to talk with him. The two became locked in conversation as Signal watched from a few feet away.
I feel like you’re missing some sort of transition into the bit with all the prisoners, even if it’s something as simple as “Maxim (and Rene) looked over and saw [...]” or something like that.
Maxim: “... Wait, where on earth
were they all this time anyways?”
Rene: “Hell if I know. Though are you
really upset that you didn’t have to hear them all full of piss and vinegar on the deck earlier?”
Upon hopping off the ramp, Maxim was taken out of further observation by a quick tap on his head. Rene stood right behind him, tapping her foot on the ground.
“ Shit! I better get a move on!”
He gulped and picked up the pace, not wanting to delay his partner further.
Maxim: “Just as well, since hearing death threats from a dozen angry Pokémon isn’t my idea of a good time.” ^v^;
Right before leaving the dock, a wooden sign stood next to the town entrance with letters painted in white.
WELCOME TO CALVIN TOWN - Where The Gentle Breeze Blows!
Wow, this place really
does feel like Gormott right now.
“Well come on, we ain’t got all day!”
Maxim held in a sigh as Rene fussed for him to follow around. The Mienfoo was dead set in getting him acquainted with the town, three day stay or not. Each building in town was constructed out of wood and stone, the average building no higher than two stories. Combined with the simple cobblestone streets and thin metal street signs, the area reminded him of an 18th century village in his original world. Pokemon peeked out of the open windows to sightsee and more at the streets below. He let out a small yelp as a bucket of paint crashed into the street below, a painting Smeargle above slowly waving a paw. A steady stream of pokemon flooded into stores and alleys, forcing Maxim to keep close to Rene.
Oh hey, I found a picture of Calvin Town:
“The first major stop is just right around this corner!” She called out.
Maxim flapped his wings to keep up as she ran down a narrow street. His novice skill at flying was a bane that forced him to swerve around signs and hanging lamps. The street emptied into a much larger road with a beige sign with faded letters painted on it: Merchant’s Road .
Sure enough, rows of wooden stalls, tents, and stands dotted both sides of the road. Maxim looked around. A Mismagius selling various glowing orbs, a Typhlosion running a box opening business, and many others took up shop. There was even a Pikachu with the number 1 on their scarf selling… home insurance? From the surge of pokemon that blew through from store to store it was easy to see that this was the lifeblood of the town.
Ah yes, Ichi from DLPP has a location here. Or at least I’m
pretty sure that’s supposed to be a cameo of Ichi from DLPP.
“ I’m honestly impressed that this world has a functioning society. But then again, things are crazy enough for this to be sane to me.” Maxim thought as he looked from side to side.
Well “““functioning”””, since they
do have pirates just prowling around the skies at the moment, so that implies that state-level governance isn’t exactly the strongest in this world.
There was one location that really caught his eye, a rather lavish red tarped tent covered in vivid golden floral patterns. Right above the entrance was an arrow shaped sign with the title: Boniface’s Breathtaking Bazaar!
Rene had noticed the store herself, and stopped walking as stared at it. She turned around to Maxim and beckoned him forward. Once he got close enough she looked around before leaning in.
Huh, wonder if that’s a sign that Rene’s been here before in the past.
“There’s more to being a privateer than just plundering and exploration. Ya got to be clever and think on the fly!” She whispered. “So I’m not just gonna teach you how to fight, you’re gonna learn another key skill: barterin’!”
Grinning, Rene crossed her arms and nodded towards the tent.
Maxim: “Wait, you all straight-up
plunder-?”
Rene: “Not in friendly ports! Though come on, I’ll show you the ropes here…” ^.^
“What? You want me to talk them down for prices?” Maxim whispered back.
“Yeah! That 500 poke of yours is gonna go fast otherwise!”
Yeah, Maxim’s doomed. I can already tell.
Maxim raised a wing to his temple. “You do have a point. I’m no finance expert here, so I’ll follow your lead on it for now. What’s the plan, teach ?”
That got Rene to flash a wide grin. “We’re going into this fancy tent and givin’ the owner a hell of a price shakedown! C’mon, lets go!”
Rene dragged him through the tent’s entrance. On the inside, rows of scarlet covered shelves held many items from strange, oversized seeds, to glowing disks and a bag full of pebbles.
Oh, so there are TMs in this setting. Or at least I’m pretty sure that that’s the implication there with the “glowing disks”.
“Hellllllllllooooo~~! You come to buy Boniface’s goods, yes?” replied a slightly shrill male’s voice.
Maxim glanced up to see a giant walking, talking mushroom walking towards them. Gold jewelry lined the top of the mushroom’s cap while a lime green scarf wrapped around their neck. His biggest draw was the shining gold badge attached to the top of his scarf, shaped vaguely like a diamond. The Shiinotic waved at the pair before speaking again.
Maxim:
Rene: “Keep your wits about you, Rook. He’ll walk all over you while bartering if you can’t keep your nerves.”
“What brings you here, friends? Do you seek goods, services or perhaps guidance?” He raised the orb in his arms forward, slowly rubbing the top with thin fingers.
Oh, so Boniface dabbles in information brokering. I suppose that would explain why he’s apparently a known contact to a privateer crew, since knowing what’s on the up and up among shady characters would definitely be a positive for that line of work.
Even with his friendly attitude, Maxim felt creeped out by the pokemon’s unmoving grin and vacant stare. It was as if he was staring through them. If Rene was also unnerved she didn’t show it, instead crossing her arms with a smirk.
I was
joking about that Chikorita reaction image.
“Goods? You know it! I can tell from a small gander that this place is legit! And that scarf and badge o’ yours is nice too!” She cheered.
The Shiinotic clapped his hands together. “Ahhh thank you! Boniface works hard to establish this branch of his growing merchant empire! Many have come from different islands to have a taste of the exotic goods here! Now then, what are you interested in?”
So Boniface is a third person person, and apparently the equivalent of the stock PMD Kecleon in this setting. Duly noted.
Rene picked up a shining orb, then presented it to Boniface. “A Rebound Orb! And its nicely polished too! How much for this one?”
“400 poke! In good condition too!” He beamed. The smile on his face deepened when Rene placed a paw on her temple.
I went and looked this up on Bulbapedia and… yeah, that price is a scam. The level of egregiousness boils down to if we’re using Super or DX’s pricing.
“400? That seems a bit… much, don’t you think? It seems in mint condition, but wouldn’t it be easier to sell at a lower price?”
Boniface nodded and spoke.“Ohohoho! You have a wonderful eye! Valuable indeed. But Boniface’s prices are right as rain. That item is worth every penny!”
Maxim: “... No, I’m pretty sure that I read a guide somewhere that said that the fair price for these was 150-”
Rene: “(Maxim! Don’t open with what you know the price
ought to be! It doesn’t give you any room to negotiate!)” >_>;
Rene [ ] “I suppose. But this kinda orb ain’t super rare either! Not saying they can grow on trees, but orbs show up often enough!”
I think that you’re missing a couple words after “Rene” there that got cut by accident during editing or something.
[ ]
“Then if you can find another orb like this in a nearby dungeon, that would prove me wrong. Surely that is easy task for privateer, oui?”
Rene was left at a loss for words. “How did you-?”
I didn’t realize that Boniface was meant to have a French accent to his speech. I wonder if it’d have made sense to hint at that earlier on when he was being introduced. Also, I kinda feel like it makes sense to show Boniface reacting to Rene’s initial charge a bit before he turns the tables there, since it’s a bit hard to get a feel for his intended mood at the moment.
“Many faces come through here. Easy to read, easy to know and learn. You’re no different!” The Shiinotic taunted. Rene gritted her teeth as she raised a paw, but that just made him wag a finger.
“Ah ah ah! No more fooling moi! Either pay proper price or Boniface charge you extra premium!”
Maxim: “So… 150 Poké-?”
Boniface: “It’s 500 now. Now pay up or get out.”
Biting her lip, the Mienfoo hesitated for a few seconds, before reaching into her pack and presenting her poke. Boniface nodded before accepting.
“Merci! Pleasure doing business with you!”
Well, that tutorial at bartering went well™. >:V
He turned over to Maxim. “Hello, friend! Do you need goods too?”
“I-I’m good! Thank you!” Maxim stammered before skittering away behind Rene.
I kinda feel like we’re missing some thought process or reaction from Maxim here. Like he just watched Rene saunter up to try and teach him to haggle and then got rolled right in front of him. Does he have any thoughts about the episode? About Boniface? I dunno, it just feels like we’re missing a step here before his flustered/nervous reaction.
The two said nothing between themselves as they walked back through Merchant’s Block. Rene kept walking forward without turning her head back once. As crowds of pokemon began to flood in, the pair continued to silently travel.
After a few minutes of walking, Maxim worked up the nerve to speak to her again.
“Hey Rene, are you okay?”
Rene:
Maxim: “Er… yeah, sorry for asking.”
The Mienfoo stopped, sighed and then tilted her head back. “I’m fine. That guy was just too damn tough to crack!”
[ ]
“Are most merchants hard to deal with like him?” He asked.
[ ]
“N-no! I promise I can find another one to demonstrate on! That one’s just a fluke, is all!” She said, crossing her arms. Before they could scout out another merchant, the pair received an unexpected interruption.
A couple more spots where taking time to describe reactions or thought processes would go a long way to filling in some blanks. Like I gather that this would probably be a funny moment were this a comic, but it’s a bit hard to visualize stuff like the pair’s reactions without provided descriptions.
Rmmmmb
[ ]
“What the? You good, shorty?” Rene said, raising an eyebrow.
Maxim looked down, too embarrassed to look her in the eyes for his next words.
Okay, so I gathered that that was Maxim’s stomach rumbling, but I do wonder if there should’ve been a bit more description to tip the readers off about it. It might be a stylistic difference thing, but it was something that stood out to me.
“I.. may have forgotten to eat anything this morning. Slipped my mind.”
Several seconds passed before Rene howled with laughter, nearly falling over in the process.
“Hahahaha! You forgot? There’s no way!”
Wait, did they even have a chance to eat anything? Since Maxim more or less went straight to the deck for the crew’s assembly after waking up… unless he slept in a bit before the alarm.
Maxim rubbed the back of his head. “I got carried away between everything that happened so far today, sorry.”
This is going to happen a lot to him in this story, isn’t it? o<o
“Bah, don’t apologize. Least you can do is go fill your belly on some grub.” Rene said. She pulled out her town map, took a glance, then pointed in the direction of a nearby street. “Map here says there should be a stack of restaurants down there. Go and eat somethin’ there.”
She began to walk off in another direction, catching Maxim by surprise. “Wait, you’re not coming with me?” He said.
Rene shook her head. “Nope! You’ve got to be independent! You don’t need me holding your hand for this!” She clapped her paws together. “Plus, I ain’t hungry anyway! I’ll meet you down there later!”
Rene, don’t make me break out the Bubsy reaction image again. Like you
are aware that Maxim is an amnesiac with zero idea of how your world works, right?
Right?
With that, the Mienfoo was gone, leaving Maxim by himself. His stomach rumbled again, giving him the motivation to get going.
“I better make this quick.” He whispered as he flapped away.
Maxim: “... I mean, at least I’m able to fly consistently now? So… progress?” ^v^;
The good thing was that the road was nearly a straight shot. Maxim weaved in and out of traffic by flying, cutting down the travel time as the road crossed into a circular plaza. The wonderful scent of baked and steamed goods taunted his nostrils, only making his growling stomach more weary.
The Rowlet came to rest on a bench and took in his surroundings: all around, vibrant buildings held restaurants galore. Some, like a sharpedo shaped shack, had a visible kitchen, while a Pidove shaped diner had tinted windows shielding obscuring the inside. Maxim’s attention hopped from place to place, until he set his sights on a peculiar one. On the plaza outskirts was an oblong shaped building painted a vibrant blue. On the top of the building was a sign shaped like a Wobbuffet holding a bowl captioned Hideki’s Noodle Shop .
“ Noodles?” He thought. “ Sounds simple enough for me. Here goes.”
Your first paragraph had a number of very short and choppy sentences in it that were arguably incomplete fragments. I provided some suggestions of how to rearrange and reflow things a bit.
Also, ‘Hideki’s Noodle Shop’, huh? Does it also have
a bopping soundtrack inside?
Past a silk curtain, purple colored walls led to a line of seats and tables spaced out on a polished wooden floor. Floral themed lanterns hung from an open ceiling. The menu was displayed behind a counter run by a sulking Sandshrew.
“Ugh, what are yah orderin? Don’t spend too long staring up there, okay?” The Sandshrew said with a weary tone.
Oh yeah, I can already tell that the customer service here is nothing short of world-class. /s
“ Let’s see… Oran Berry Noodles, Colba Berry Slaw, Tamato Berry Bisque, Rawst Berry Ramen? The more items I look at, the more confused I get!” Maxim thought. “ Alien world equals Alien food, that’s something to remember!”
I can’t tell whether or not it’s funnier to imagine Maxim as being tripped up by the names of the different berries or the different types of noodles offered on the menu. I kinda gather the intent is both, since if not, you’d think that ‘Tamato Berry Bisque’ would’ve at least been recognizable to him. :V
“What’s the matter? Confused, little buddy?”
A voice called out from right behind him, that of a gentle masculine tone. Maxim turned around to come face to face with a large bipedal chicken he recognized as a Combusken. A silky white scarf with a golden badge that glimmered in the sunlight was attached around his neck. The pokemon sported a wide grin with his arms crossed behind his head.
There’s like a dozen ‘cock’ jokes that I could make right about now about the self-roasting chicken, but I shall defer beyond noting that that’s some nice character design here. Though I assume that in the grand tradition of PMD shop architecture, that this guy isn’t Hideki here.
“Honestly if you ask me, you should go with the Oran Noodle Special! It’s calm, refreshing, and tangy! Just the way I like it!” The Combusken beamed. Maxim swore if the bird’s grin widened any more it’d be brighter than the sun.
Maxim: “How on earth are you even doing that anyways? I thought that you needed
teeth to have a gleaming smile.” .^.
“But not too spicy?” Maxim asked.
“Nope!”
Your dialogue here is a bit ambiguous, even if I assume that Maxim is meant to have the first line.
“Well, I’m hungry, and I’m not one to be picky, at least I hope. Hello, one order of the Oran Noodles please!” Maxim said.
The Combuskin chimed in. “Make that two orders please!”
Maxim: “Um… okay? Though, uh… who are you again?” ^v^;
Both pokemon paid for their meals, then went to look for a table. One touching the wall caught Maxim’s eye, but he wasn’t the only one interested. He hopped into a seat only to find the same Combusken facing him.
“Hey there! Hope you don't mind me sitting here too!”
Maxim: “... Is it
normal here to just hang out with strangers that you haven’t introduced yourself to, or…?” .^.
Combusken: “I’ll just go ahead and take that as a ‘yes’ there.” ^v^
Maxim was questioning why this mon wanted to take with him so badly, but it wasn’t like he wouldn’t mind some company.
“That’s fine, but just who are you?”
With a brush of his head feathers, the Combusken puffed out his chest. “Oh me? My name is Hurik, Gold-Rank Explorer!” He pointed to his badge. “Yeah I know, cool right? You can save the praises for later!”
Oh, so
there’s the chicken’s name.
Maxim:
[ ]
“I see, that’s interesting. But what’s an adventurer?”
That question left the Combusken at a loss for words, as his eyes widened and his beak hung open.
I see that Maxim’s off to a great start for a first impression there. Though I kinda wonder if we should’ve seen a bit more of his inner thought process about “... who is this dork again and why am I supposed to care?” or whatever before he answers Hurik.
“Wha-wha-WHAT?! What kind of question is that to ask? Have you never seen an adventurer before?”
Maxim rubbed the back of his head. “Err nope.”
[ ]
“You’re joking, right?”
“No.”
[ ]
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
This sequence strikes me as potentially having been a lot funnier if you took the time to stop and describe some of the reactions / thought processes of the characters, especially if Maxim is getting increasingly befuddled at why Hurik’s making such a big deal of things.
“ Absolutely sure?”
“Uh huh.”
I see Hurik isn’t one to give up easily. Getting some Zeke vibes from him right about now.
Hurik reclined back, rubbing his claws over his face. A few seconds and some low whispers later, and a grin flashed across his beak.
“Well okay, I’m not sure where in the skies you’re from, but I guess a little history lesson wouldn’t hurt, would it?”
“ First privateers, now adventurers? I’ve got to keep tabs on these second-nature jobs.” Maxim thought.
Maxim: “Uh… sure? This isn’t going to turn into a giant exposition dump, is it-?”
He nodded to confirm. The Combusken sat up straight, then adjusted his badge. A fiery gleam shined in his eyes. “Alright, listen up Rowlet, because Hurik here is gonna give you a crash course on being an adventurer!”
>dat scene cut
I’ll admit, that’s a pretty convenient way of dancing around an exposition dump there.
Just outside of town, a party of armed guards had escorted Drake and Signal to an isolated location. The plain white walled house with a blue roof was a shockingly simple place for an important meeting. Suspicion began to creep up on Drake as he realized the place was devoid of security. It even lacked a fence!
“Not exactly up to snuff for such a formal meeting.” Drake said to the armored Watchog leading in front. No response came back.
… I
just realized, but it wasn’t described all this time as to what the armor of these guards are wearing looked like all this time. Like are they plate mail? Chainmail? Are they painted a specific color? Perhaps those two broken images provided a bit more detail that’s presently missing, but from the text itself, it’s a bit hard to visualize what’s going on here.
One of the guards, an Aipom, scurried up to the door and knocked five times. A few seconds later, a soft female voice answered.
“Hello! Please come in!”
The guards parted, allowing Drake and Signal to pass. Drake inwardly groaned at the gesture. He had a bad feeling about who was waiting for him beyond that door. Signal only stared back at him with a sheen in his eyes.
I take it that whoever’s on the other end is a bit less sweet than that tone of voice indicates if Drake’s reacting like
that, but I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see.
With a gentle turn of the knob, Drake opened the door to the sound of a crackling fire and the smell of warm tea. The inside was just as simple: plain walls, with a pair of tables and chairs placed neatly in the center. The lit fireplace coated everything in a yellow glow, including the mon sitting at a table. Drake’s grin completely evaporated as he laid eyes on his “host”.
A female Indeedee, wearing a golden scarf with a platinum badge attached, sat cross legged with a tea cup in hand. Her almond eyes casted a warm glow as she waved at Drake.
“Matilda?” He murmured. “He sent you?”
Oh, so these two have history with each other. And not a wholly positive one judging from Drake’s reaction right about now.
A small nod answered him. The Captain almost wanted to swear. Titling his head back, he spoke to his first mate.
“Signal, leave us. Wait for me by the door.”
The Braviary nodded, leaving the house. Once the door shut, Drake took a seat at the table. Matilda poured a cup of tea and then slid it towards him, a light smile on her face. Drake’s frown refused to vanish however, as he glared at her shimmering badge.
“So why did the Governor send you? Hasn’t he been keeping good enough tabs on us?”
Oh, so Matilda is basically their handler. Or at least I
think that that’s where this is going right about now.
The Indeedee said nothing, only taking a small sip of tea after mixing in a cube of sugar. Seconds seemed to stretch for an eternity as he waited for her answer.
“Your tea is getting cold. I suggest taking a sip to ease your worries.” She said, placing her empty cup down.
Drake: “(... I shouldn’t have dismissed Signal, since now I’m starting to get worried about if I should have this tea taste-tested first.)” >v<
Drake sighed and took the cup in hand, allowing himself a small sip. The sweet and silky drink went down easy, but did little to help his mood. “Now will you answer me?”
With a small nod, the Indeedee straightened up. “I suppose it was my turn to check on you. Stellar work as always, Captain Drake!”
Whelp, I suppose that confirms that Matilda is indeed Drake’s handler. Or at least one of them.
“Could you get to the point already?” He said, crossing his arms.
“My my, so blunt! I was just passing by when the Governor gave me the order to meet with you!” She giggled. “I promise there’s nought an ounce of ill will by me coming here!”
Okay, now that you’ve gone and
said that, now my sus-o-meter is blipping hard.
Matilda reclined back into her chair, crossing her hands in front of her face. “Besides, I wanted to hear all of what you’ve been up to since last we met. The last three missions specifically. And of course, the human you found.”
Ah yes,
there’s our ulterior motive there. Especially since it was already implied a couple chapters ago that humans were SRS BSNS in this story’s setting.
His grip on the teacup tightened as he tried to maintain a steady pose. Keeping his thoughts clear was key around a psychic type.
“Hmm, he told you a little bit about our conversation yesterday, didn’t he?” Drake sighed. “Surely nobody else knows.”
The Indeedee’s smile grew larger. “To my knowledge, he has not. I won’t ask you about that subject yet. After all, we still have some catching up to do beforehand!”
You have a small typo there.
Ignoring the sensation of an oncoming headache, Drake nodded.
Um, Drake? Given that: A: you’re in the room with a Psychic-type, B: you’re accepting tea that you didn’t see prepared in front of you, you
probably don’t want to just be brushing off sudden headaches like that. [fearfullaugh]
“Yes, yes we do. How about I start with Gearly Island?”
Well, that felt a bit sudden for an ending. I do wonder if a better ending note would’ve been some sort of internal
reaction from Drake as he dreads a bit as to how this is going to go or something like that.
