Spiteful Murkrow
Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
- Pronouns
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Whelp, dunno how wise it is of me to be posting one of these at this hour. But eh, it's better to square away commitments sooner rather than putting them off, and I’ve got a review event to make good on, so let's get straight into making the Great Mistake.
ACT I
Owen: "I-I'm pretty sure that Rock Slide or whatever the hell that was isn't supposed to do that!" O.O
Owen: "And thus, the story of my life ended-"
- Checks chapter -
Owen: "Wait, what? There's another scene to this thing? But how in the-?"
Owen: "... Yeesh, talk about your vivid dreams there." @.@
- Beat moment -
Owen: "Except since when did you feel pain in a dream? This isn't some sort of Madoka thing where I was remembering an alternate timeline or something like that, right?" ._.;
Also, yes you can go on an expedition sleep-deprived. Psychic Sheep taught me that all you need is to inhale unhealthy quantities of Chesto Berries beforehand. Is it wise? Probably not, but hey, it's doable.
If it really was a dream, why are you trying so hard to convince yourself of that? Even if I have no clue what on earth that blue fire was supposed to be or else how Alex magically got better from that.
From everything that I've heard of HoC secondhand, I don't believe that for a minute.
Owen: "Really? Nothing that might've had something to do with you blowing up into blue fire?"
Alex: "Owen, I said nothing was wrong!" >.<
Amia: "Stabbed? Owen, do you see a stab wound on your body right now? What on earth would make you think something crazy like that?" O_ó;
Owen: "... (Okay, mom and dad have to be hiding something from me, but why?)" .-.
Owen: "You know, you two could at least try to make it less obvious that you're trying to hide something from me right now."
Alex: "... Owen, as your father, you should probably stop thinking so hard about dreams. Just enjoy your breakfast." ^^;
Owen: "... (Why am I getting the feeling that my 'dream' there was me failing one of said exams or something like that?)" >_>;
On the one hand, I get that HoC is a story that heavily relies on a sense of mystery and gradually revealing answers, but I kinda wonder if some indication or hint of what that excursion would entail and why Alex might worry about it would be called for. Since this is your opener where you're establishing your characters and their circumstances to the reader for the first time.
Owen: "Oh thank goodness, mom coming in with the save there. At the rate I was going, I was starting to get worried that dad would lock me in my bedroom for the rest of my life."
Meditation, huh? Wouldn't have pegged that as being a thing for a Charmander, but filing that one away for the future and keeping an eye out for why it might be important.
You sure you're not gonna need a rescue in like a chapter, Owen?
... Somehow it never occurred to me that Magmortar has honest-to-goodness open flames on its body. I blame the Gen 4 sprites.
Boy it sure is a good thing you're not insisting Owen go under the wing of some sort of trusted type that can apprentice him in the Thousand Hearts or something like that, since this just screams "won't end well" right now.
Chapter 1
I take it that that Grass-type morph he picks up at some point isn't completely unheard of in this setting, then. Since that implies that he knows Charmander that know what complete darkness is like.
That is the most East Asian thing ever. I distinctly remember running into that in some circles of my family while growing up. Though given your story in other places and times behind how naming works in HoC and how it's basically the story of how surnames developed in that region of the world, I guess I oughta keep my eyes peeled for other influences of that sort.
I'll believe it when I see it, really.
That... feels like a really particular thing to notice about him of all possible things. Wonder if Arcanine was being metaphorical there or if there's something literally up with Owen's eyes?
Owen: "It's muscle, not fat!" >_>;
Elty: "Oi! That's my line there!"
... I just realized, but why on earth do they all need a pressure-sensitive exit like that anyways? Since if Amia is a wanted 'mon and is holing up in a place like this... that would seem to imply that the villagers at large have someone gunning for them given that they aren't content with just leaving a normal cave entrance.
I mean, "night visibility" for the glorified teleportation pad seems like a pretty non-trivial practical function, just saying. I might be nitpicking, but it might make sense to specify that this applies to those lights by day.
Though I see we're getting the first good look at the teleportation network of this setting. Can't harp on the shortcutting utility of it too much, since I'm using a worldbuilding device to a similar end for "skip ahead to where the plot needs you without feeling too BS" in some of my own writing now. And hey, you can't say that literal fast travel isn't convenient for yeeting characters around.
I mean, the answer from elsewhere is apparently “aura tiebreaks” arrivals, but it would probably make sense to at least allude to that in a passing sentence. Kinda like a “miracles of modern technology these days” throwaway.
Though "any other Waypoint to the central one", huh? Meaning that everywhere in the network is at most two jumps away, with the hub being one of them. Guess that would explain why Kilo Village is apparently the center of the universe in this story.
Owen: "Well, I don't know if I'm lactose intolerant or not as a reptile, but I don't think I'll be drinking any milk anytime soon."
Hunter's Guild equivalent needs. A place to eat up, get boosts, and then go and do your missions. All that's missing are the catmon chefs.
Owen: "... Dammit, those restaurants are making me hungry right now. Also moving along."
In other words, tell me that your upcoming mission is going to be a disaster without outright telling me your upcoming mission is going to be a disaster. :V
... Can't tell whether Owen's being legit or coping like crazy right now. Guess we'll find out pretty quick, huh?
Owen: "... How do you not trip over that thing anyways?"
Nevren: "I'm psychic and can levitate?"
Yes, yes you are, Owen.
I mean, an Eviolite does sound handy for a rookie, just saying. Though I wonder how common they are in this setting if Nevren is just casually giving one to an Entry Heart that he doesn't remember from the past.
Ah yes, our first of the four party members depicted on the cover art. Let's see who we're dealing with here...
Well, that's an omen for faceplanting hard on your first mission if I ever saw one. I'm pretty sure that if you don't know the name of the MD you're trying to go to, that that's a sign that there's other things you don't know about it.
Gahi: "... You sure you're going to manage on your own out there?"
Owen: "I'll be fine. Seriously, I'm tougher than I look!"
Oh lol, literally the very next lines.
Gahi: "Pretty sure that wouldn't stop Mispy, just saying-"
Mispy: "I heard that!"
Owen: "... I mean, I've been busting my tail for forever and still need to pass my exams. So... maybe narrow that down a bit for me-?"
Gahi:
Yeah, that does sound like it'd help a lot for getting your foot in the door. Even if it kinda undercuts the mystique of getting in by hard work... which might have something to do with why Gahi didn't reflexively bring it up as an answer.
Though how many times has this kid gotten his memory nuked anyways if this sort of "I know this about you but don't know how" has happened to him if he's worrying about looking crazy today? Implying that he's looked crazy before. .-.
Owen: "B-But it would take all of five min-!"
Gahi:
[*][2:24 AM]
Owen: "Seriously, do you just live to make that expression?" >_>;
Gahi: "When it's for unreasonable asks like that, yeah. Focus on toughening up a bit more before you try to make a first impression with our mentor."
You see, this is exactly why you don't say stuff like this in a dangerous environment.
Owen: "... Pretty sure that this is a really good time to pop that Escape Orb!" O_O;
Owen: "... Considering how I'm struggling to remember things as basic as when I learned my moves, how sure am I of that?" .-.
Given that my understanding from offsite commentary is that Owen’s being driven along by pride and a warped sense of self-preservation here, I'd suggest considering something along the lines of the following:
Basically, explicitly showing off "well, that was weird, but I've got this!" in Owen's thought process/narration.
Pretty sure that this is a recipe for you being in for a bad time, Owen. Should've bailed while you could've. ^^;
Ah yes, Owen runs intoAir Marshal Reisenbach Jerry. Just who he needs to see right about now and a fight that he can totally take on his own. Though how does he know that this guy is an Outlaw anyways? Since there was no mention of him being the target or passing poster of his mug in Kilo Village or anything like that.
Like if he's assuming Jerry is an Outlaw, it probably makes sense to explicitly state that somewhere in paragraph 1 of this block.
Jerry: "Guess harder, kid."
Owen: "I... really don't like where this is going."
Jerry: "Wouldn't expect you to. I certainly do, though."
Jerry: "Hey! Get back here, you little brat!"
Owen:
Though that seems like a good place to leave off, guess it's time for the post-mortem recap:
I think that the prologue and first chapter did a pretty good job at establishing an initial hook. It does a good job at selling the sense that something is really weird and amiss, and then shows off Owen as a character. I know that you've compared HoC's target vibe to shonen shows, and... honestly, I can see it, since Owen's mannerisms feel pretty "shonen protagonist" from an initial impression. Not sure if any of the other characters got as solid of a read off of them, though there were definitely some tantalizing hints, especially for Alex and Amia, and I think you picked a pretty decent note to leave things off on for Chapter 1, since it does a good job at encouraging readers "hey, come back and see how Owenhas a bad time pulls through this”.
As for the stuff I was a bit less hot on... some things about the prologue and first chapter felt pretty accelerated. Like I get that part of that is just your fundamental style as a writer and your world is fundamentally set up for a fast-paced plot with stuff like the Waypoints lying around, but there were a number of parts that struck me as places that would feel more complete by taking a moment to drop in a little bit more detail or description, especially since these two chapters aren't exactly big to begin with. The tail end of Chapter 1's last scene in particular was where I noticed that dynamic the most.
But yeah, I can see how you built a following for this thing @Namohysip , and it's definitely a better first impression of what's going on than my experiences getting a first taste of HoC from the GL crossover, since... that kinda threw me into the deep end and I had no idea what was going on there when I read it, while it's a bit different seeing things built up a bit more properly. Dunno how frequently I'll be crossing paths with HoC for the near future since I’ve kinda got other things blocking the queue, but I could see myself coming back to this story here and there. ^^
ACT I
Oh, so there's fusions in this story, huh? Definitely quite an introductory paragraph there, since you don't see too many start out with that much of a bang.Poison-tipped fangs plunged into Owen’s chest. The Charmander cried out, struggling through his pierced lungs, and pushed against the stone serpent wrapped around him. He didn’t know what it was. It had the face and colors of a Tyranitar, with its rocky edges and black gaps in its armor. Yet it had the winding, coiling body of a Seviper, a poisoned blade at the end of its tail, and long, sharp fangs stuck deep within him. He tasted blood; he couldn’t breathe. His lungs were full.
Yes, that... would be an unfortunate side effect of fighting in the dark as Fire-types. Honestly a neat consideration there that somehow doesn't feel like it comes up as often as it should in Pokémon stories.“OWEN!” cried a Gardevoir.
“M-Mom!” Owen mouthed.
Behind the Gardevoir was a Magmortar. With fire in his eyes, he launched a volley from his cannons that exploded right next to the amalgamation. It hissed in pain; the Flame Burst sent him flying, along with Owen. The bursts lit up the surrounding field of lush grass, cutting through the evening twilight’s darkness. Only the fading fire of Owen’s tail and the Magmortar’s shoulders lit the area—making them easy targets.
The impact on the ground gave Owen just enough time to escape, wriggling out of its rocky hold. He felt free for only half a second. Owen turned his head and saw the thing launch a succession of large rocks toward his father, the Magmortar. Three hits. They went straight through him. Blue fire erupted from the resulting holes. And then, his father exploded in a flurry of embers.
D-dad? Owen stared with wide eyes, distracted.
Owen: "I-I'm pretty sure that Rock Slide or whatever the hell that was isn't supposed to do that!" O.O
... Not sure if I follow here, since aren't his vocal chords perfectly functional right now? Like if he could still croak out noises with filled lungs just a few paragraphs earlier, what exactly changed? ^^;The serpent hissed and swung its tail forward—a sharp pain surged through Owen’s back. A jerking motion forced Owen’s head down. He saw the blade coming out from his chest. He had no way to scream.
Whelp, so much for mom's life expectancy doing well right about now.“Get AWAY!” the Gardevoir, his mother, screamed for him. An incredible heat washed over Owen’s back, and then a horrible, shrieking wail filled his ears. He fell; the tail slipped out from behind. Blood gushed on the dirt beneath him.
Owen: "H-How... are you still alive? H-How am I still alive?" @.@Owen fell face-first into the dirt, but despite this, it felt like the coziest pillow in the world. Everything felt cold, and then warm.
“Owen! Owen!” She rushed toward him, paying no mind to the fire on the ground. It didn’t look like the flames affected her body at all. “Owen, it’s going to be okay!” She held his back, pushing wave after wave of healing energy through his body. His breath returned to him; he coughed the remaining blood out.
Pretty sure that that's how you die in these situations, but there wouldn't be any need for about 900k+ words after this if Owen just died here with no way of coming back, so let's see where things go.What happened to his Dad? Owen’s eyes darted in all directions, his expression asking what his mouth couldn’t.
“Shh, it’s okay,” she said, placing her hand firmly on his back. The pain was unbearable. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Calm down. Sleep…”
The world curled itself up in a tiny circle in front of Owen, darkening into a distant tunnel. But then, the world uncoiled, much to Owen’s displeasure. He just wanted to sleep.
The Heal Pulse intensified, the warmth almost too hot even for his Fiery body. He gasped his first breath, life—and pain—returning to him in full.
But then he felt a different energy course through him. It wasn’t healing him. “Shh,” Amia said softly. “Just sleep. Just sleep…”
It felt awful. Energy drained from his core. His vision faded. And then, darkness.
Owen: "And thus, the story of my life ended-"
- Checks chapter -
Owen: "Wait, what? There's another scene to this thing? But how in the-?"
The dim glow of nighttime mushrooms colored the rocky walls of the cave. Mixing with this light were flickering embers of orange and yellow. Owen was lying in the middle of these flames, enjoying the warmth; they licked at his scales and washed over his back. The flame at the end of his tail got hotter, brimming with energy. He rolled over to sear his belly next.
Wait. What happened? Wasn’t he—
“No resting on the fire, Owen.”
Owen: "... Yeesh, talk about your vivid dreams there." @.@
- Beat moment -
Owen: "Except since when did you feel pain in a dream? This isn't some sort of Madoka thing where I was remembering an alternate timeline or something like that, right?" ._.;
... Yeah, that happened somehow. I don't know how Owen either survived that or rezzed afterwards, but even without the story summary in mind, I don't believe for a second that that was really just a dream.“Wh—huh? I wasn’t!” He rolled away and quickly hid beneath his bed of leaves. Some of them turned black from the fire, but they didn’t burn. “Ngh,” He held his chest. It felt horribly bruised. And his back was killing him. No wonder he was sleeping on the fire! But why did he feel that way? He remembered a fight. A fight that he’d lost. Badly. But was that just a dream? He remembered a rocky serpent. And fire, and explosions. It was all so garbled—he wasn’t sure what was real.
Oh, so Rawst leaves are fire-retardant in this setting. I mean, I guess the logic would track there, though it makes me wonder what other properties other parts of berry plants have in this setting.The Gardevoir peeked into the room, her white dress aglow from the mushrooms and the fire. She sighed, smiling. “You’re lucky we got you that special Rawst Leaf bed, or we’d need to replace it every night!” She laughed, but then walked over, patting him on the head. “Go to sleep, dear. Tomorrow’s a big day for you, isn’t it? Another expedition as a trainee. You don’t want to do that while sleep-deprived, do you? When you get up, Alex and I will get you a good meal ready.”
Also, yes you can go on an expedition sleep-deprived. Psychic Sheep taught me that all you need is to inhale unhealthy quantities of Chesto Berries beforehand. Is it wise? Probably not, but hey, it's doable.
“Yeah…”
Another voice whispered quietly from the other room. “Amia, is he okay?”
Owen saw the burning shoulders of his Magmortar father. A vague image flashed in front of his mind of that very same Magmortar bursting into an explosion of blue embers. Bluer than his mother’s hair. That must have been a dream.
If it really was a dream, why are you trying so hard to convince yourself of that? Even if I have no clue what on earth that blue fire was supposed to be or else how Alex magically got better from that.
“It’s very late, Owen. Get some rest.” The blue Gardevoir gently pressed her hand against his back, making him reflexively tense. She frowned at this, biting her lower lip with concern. “Owen, did you have a nightmare?”
“I think so…”
“Well, it’s gone, now,” Amia said. She looked back to Alex, who shuffled to the other room. “Get some sleep. It’s still late at night.”
From everything that I've heard of HoC secondhand, I don't believe that for a minute.
Well that's not ominous at all.Owen eased himself onto his bed of leaves again, giving a defeated nod. “Okay, Mom.”
Right before going to bed, his mind felt muddled again. In the corner of his eye, he saw an eerie glow. His consciousness abruptly cut out.
Wait, so is that a low table, or is Owen in a booster seat right now? Since you'd think that if Owen's sitting on a table sized for Amia to sit comfortably on it, that he'd still have trouble seeing over the top of the table. :VBreakfast was a hearty stew. The table had three seats. Two were sized for the smaller frames of the mother and son. Both were approximately the same width, albeit oversized for Owen. The third seat was much larger than the rest—in order to accommodate for its usual occupant. Alex, bumping his cannon-arms nervously, looked down at his food without a hint of an appetite.
“What’s wrong?” Owen asked.
“N-nothing,” Alex said. He refused to make eye contact.
Owen: "Really? Nothing that might've had something to do with you blowing up into blue fire?"
Alex: "Owen, I said nothing was wrong!" >.<
Owen: "... Mom, was I stabbed at all recently?"Owen squinted suspiciously. He glanced at Amia, who giggled nervously and looked at her half-eaten bowl.
Amia: "Stabbed? Owen, do you see a stab wound on your body right now? What on earth would make you think something crazy like that?" O_ó;
Owen: "... (Okay, mom and dad have to be hiding something from me, but why?)" .-.
“Mmm. How are you feeling, Owen?” she asked.
“Perfect! But, uh, I don’t know. Did you ever have that feeling where you had a really good dream, but then you can’t… remember it?”
Owen noticed the subtle, shocked expressions in his parents’ eyes, but he didn’t acknowledge it.
Owen: "You know, you two could at least try to make it less obvious that you're trying to hide something from me right now."
Alex: "... Owen, as your father, you should probably stop thinking so hard about dreams. Just enjoy your breakfast." ^^;
I kinda wonder whether it'd have made sense to have depicted Owen trying to remember specifics of that """dream""" and illustrating what details he comes up blank on. To better illustrate roughly where Owen's level of detail for things he does remember is.“I had one of those. But I can’t remember any of it. I think I was having a really big fight. I remember my heart racing!” Owen played with a lump of a potato in the stew. His parents always got uncomfortable when he talked about his dreams, and he never knew why. He did admit that they felt too real to be dreams, but what else could they be? He had decided long ago not to press the issue. He grabbed his bowl and downed half of his breakfast. His parents’ expressions were grave, but they feigned a smile when he looked at them again. “Weird, huh? Dreams are funny.”
- Beat moment -“Oh, Owen, m-maybe you’re just nervous about all this,” his mother said. “Becoming stronger, more responsibilities. Being part of the Thousand Hearts is a big deal, after all! …If you get in. Remember, there’s no shame in failing the exams.”
Owen: "... (Why am I getting the feeling that my 'dream' there was me failing one of said exams or something like that?)" >_>;
Alex: "Since, you know. We would really, really like it if you took on a quiet life."She was trying to help him feel better, but that didn’t help the knot of inferiority tightening in his gut. How many times had he tried and failed to get in? No, this would be different. That was the whole reason he was going out on a practice exploration in the first place.
“Y-yes, exactly,” Alex said. “Are you sure you want to do this? It’s not too late to… live quietly? Perhaps take on a farming job.”
Yes, because you did such a fantastic job of that in the first scene there. >:V“No way!” Owen said, beaming. “Fighting is the way to go. I can’t live without a good fight. And what better way to fight than to, uh, y’know, fight bad guys?”
... Was there supposed to be something after "Owen returned to his meal"? Since you have a dangling period there and that feels really brief as a paragraph. To the point where it feels like there ought to be like at least 2-3 sentences just showing proverbial time flowing and Alex and Amia glancing at each other uncomfortably or something.“Of… of course.” At this point, his father’s flaming shoulders were mere cinders. Owen’s mother put her hand on Alex’s back, shaking her head.
Owen returned to his meal. [ ]
.“So… today’s the day, right?” Alex asked, breaking the tense silence.
“Oh, Alex, you weren’t up all night, were you?” Amia asked.
Owen wouldn’t doubt if Alex spent all night fretting over his planned excursion. [ ]
“No! I shut my eyes,” he said. “…Owen, are you sure about this?”
“Super totally!” Owen said, tipping his bowl of stew directly into his mouth.
Alex gulped. “Amia, don’t you think it’s a little early?”
On the one hand, I get that HoC is a story that heavily relies on a sense of mystery and gradually revealing answers, but I kinda wonder if some indication or hint of what that excursion would entail and why Alex might worry about it would be called for. Since this is your opener where you're establishing your characters and their circumstances to the reader for the first time.
Oh, speak of the devil... never mind then, I suppose. Still think it would've been fun to see how Owen parsed that upcoming expedition, though.“Oh, Alex, we can’t baby him forever. He’s an adult!” she said. “It’s just one exploration. Into a known area. In a Dungeon, sure, but nothing he can’t handle! He’ll be just fine.” She fidgeted with her hands. It was a telltale sign she was trying to convince herself it would be okay. Owen chose not to acknowledge this, either.
Well that's one way to imply in passing that you have a high healing factor in this setting, since I can't think of many without them where cracking a joke about "don't worry about me picking up horrible injuries, I'll just [X]" would be something that would logically occur to someone as a reassuring joke.“Yeah,” Owen said. “And if I get horribly maimed, I’ll just warp back to the entrance! It’ll be fine!” He grinned, but he wondered if his word choice could have been better. He was trying to be funny, but he practically heard his father’s heart explode through his giant torso.
That... is actually a pretty clever strategy for the likes of an Outlaw if there's a predictable pattern for unplanned exits from MDs in a setting. Might have to file that one away for some future writing.“B-but it will still be dangerous! You’ll be badly hurt, Owen! There are stories of bandits and outlaws and even ferals waiting for defeated Pokémon to return to the entrance. You’ll be too weak to fight back, and then—and then—” Alex’s shoulder fire nearly touched the ceiling of the cavern. “And what if you bring something important with you? If you get kicked out of a Dungeon in that way, you’ll—lose it! You’ll lose almost everything on you! Perhaps even your—your life!”
“Well, if wild Pokémon think it’s safe,” Owen said, “then it must be really nice, y’know?”
“B-but…! That’s…!” Alex’s arms heated up. He looked like he was going to collapse into himself with worry. “Wh-which Dungeon is it again?”
“It’s only the Wooden Wilds, dear,” Amia said. “It isn’t even very far. And it’s mostly just Bug and Grass Pokémon—you have nothing to worry about! He won’t strain himself.” She nodded at both of them.
Owen: "Oh thank goodness, mom coming in with the save there. At the rate I was going, I was starting to get worried that dad would lock me in my bedroom for the rest of my life."
I mean, I'm pretty sure that's not that rare of an occurrence for amateur MD explorers/delvers/what have you, so might not wanna tempt fate so hard, Owen.Alex hummed against his lips, expression twisted with an endless pit of worry. “Okay,” he said. “Okay. Then… then, you can go, Owen. But—be careful! Very, very careful. And if you ever run into trouble, we’ll tell the Hearts about it right away.”
“I’ll be fine, Dad,” Owen said. How humiliating would it be for his parents to ask the Hearts to rescue him? He was supposed to be part of them, not one of their clients! He hopped out of his seat. “Okay! I’m gonna go now, alright? See you!”
“W-wait!” Alex said. “Did you meditate?!”
“Did this morning!” Surprisingly, this was the truth.
Meditation, huh? Wouldn't have pegged that as being a thing for a Charmander, but filing that one away for the future and keeping an eye out for why it might be important.
>Provisionary BadgeOwen hopped out of his seat. He grabbed a small, lightweight, golden Badge with a heart-shaped insignia from a nearby rock, and then grabbed his little exploration pouch from the front, wrapping it around his back. “See you!” He glanced at the Provisionary Heart Badge within his claws, nodding to himself.
You sure you're not gonna need a rescue in like a chapter, Owen?
They watched Owen leave. Amia leaned into Alex’s chest, sighing.
Alex’s fire finally returned to something normal in size. “I hope he isn’t self-conscious of his size. It might affect how strong he is, even if he’s stronger than the average Charmander, you know, given the…”
... Somehow it never occurred to me that Magmortar has honest-to-goodness open flames on its body. I blame the Gen 4 sprites.
After reading GL and seeing that trippy opener, somehow I doubt that Amia meant that in just a figurative sense.Amia giggled, patting Alex on the shoulders, completely unaffected by the flames. “He’s got a strong will, though, and he’s resourceful, too. He’ll make up for it. And who knows? Maybe this adventure is what he needs to control that spirit of his.” She sighed, staring at the empty bowl Owen left behind. “I wish Rhys was still here. Maybe we wouldn’t have had to…”
Aha, and there's our confirmation that that dream wasn't really a dream. Even if I have no clue how on earth Alex came back from that.Alex hummed worriedly. “That was a close call, yesterday,” he said. “I’ve never seen one of those mutants so powerful before. What if he runs into another of those—those things in the Dungeon?”
Amia, you do realize that if those mutants are more than mindless monsters, they can literally just target Owen and use him as a hostage to force compliance, right? Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to let Owen go in light of that.Amia bit her lip. “I know, dear. But that Dungeon is safer than most. If he runs into any trouble, well, it’ll be better there than anywhere else. You know it’s me they’re after, not him.”
... Oh, so Alex's original / proper body isn't a Magmortar's huh? I have no clue what on earth his OG/proper one would be in that case, though filing that one away for the future.“That doesn’t make me feel any better.” Alex rubbed his cannons together. “If I was just a little stronger, I could have defended us both. But I just… evaporated after the first strike. Curse this body. It’s so foreign, even now. Sometimes I wish I…”
“It’s not your fault, dear,” Amia said soothingly, holding his shoulder a bit tighter. “It’s my fault, too. I should have been more careful when leaving the caves. If we just stayed put, we wouldn’t have had to put Owen through all that again.”
Alex frowned, but then the Magmortar forced a smile to the Gardevoir. “Let’s clean up the table,” he said. “And—and if he isn’t back by the evening… N-no, late-afternoon…!”
“We’ll call the Hearts. I promise.”
Boy it sure is a good thing you're not insisting Owen go under the wing of some sort of trusted type that can apprentice him in the Thousand Hearts or something like that, since this just screams "won't end well" right now.
Chapter 1
'Most' Charmander, huh?Owen walked with a spring in his step, tail flame blazing happily. The caverns that he lived in had no natural sunlight, but the mushrooms that lined the rocky walls and ceilings gave more than enough light. Not that it mattered; complete darkness was a foreign concept to most Charmander.
I take it that that Grass-type morph he picks up at some point isn't completely unheard of in this setting, then. Since that implies that he knows Charmander that know what complete darkness is like.
Getting major 'Cavetown from Power Trip' vibes right about now. Did that influence this design at all, or was that independent evolution arriving at the same destination?The central cavern was a stone’s throw across, with many smaller offshoots in either direction. Other villagers made their homes in these rocky caves, mostly Fire Pokémon like himself. In that sense, his adoptive mother was an exception to the population, though she could deal with the heat like any other Fire could.
“Oh, Owen!”
Owen stopped, spotting a large Arcanine bounding over to him. “Hi, Granny Arcanine!”
“Oh, hush, I’m not that old. Auntie Arcanine is just fine.” Despite this, she smiled, passing a small bag of apples over. “You’re going on a little mock-expedition, are you? I gathered these up just for you.”
That is the most East Asian thing ever. I distinctly remember running into that in some circles of my family while growing up. Though given your story in other places and times behind how naming works in HoC and how it's basically the story of how surnames developed in that region of the world, I guess I oughta keep my eyes peeled for other influences of that sort.
“Aw, thanks!” Owen graciously took them, counting them for inventory, and slipped the three apples into his pouch.
“I figured it would save you the trouble of going by the apple garden yourself,” Arcanine said, fluffy tail wagging. “It’s not far, but you’re a busy Heart, aren’t you?”
“Well, I’m not a Heart yet,” Owen said, though his tail and chest both expanded at the thought. “Just wait! This time, I’ll get it!”
I'll believe it when I see it, really.
“Ohh, your eyes are so bright, Owen.” She laughed, waving him off.
Owen left at a full sprint, too full of energy to go any slower, and only looked back to wave her goodbye.
That... feels like a really particular thing to notice about him of all possible things. Wonder if Arcanine was being metaphorical there or if there's something literally up with Owen's eyes?
I'm pretty sure that in the context of caves, that "secret" usually heavily overlaps with "dangerous and not trafficked for a reason" so... might wanna be careful about what you wish for there. ^^;The passage narrowed until it was only a reminder to Owen that, one day, he’d have to be more careful about how he walked through it. When he became a Charizard, he’d have to keep to one side so he didn’t take up the entryway. Though, now that he thought about it, he didn’t see a lot of other villagers pass through this area. They usually kept to themselves—it was a secret location, after all. Which made it even cooler.
Oh, so a pressure switch, huh? Guess that would explain why this place is a secret.Owen stopped at what appeared to be a dead-end of the caves. He hopped onto a small, flat square on the ground. Nothing happened.
“Oh, come on.”
Owen stepped off of the tile, swung his arms back, and hopped a bit higher into the air, putting his full weight and gravity behind the jump. The tile depressed a little, but still, nothing happened.
I'm pretty sure that's not how genetics works, but okay. :VHe used to open this so easily. Did he lose weight? Muscle weighed more than fat. Owen worriedly pinched at his gut, wondering if his chubby Charizard genes were coming through before the rest. But it felt normal.
Owen: "It's muscle, not fat!" >_>;
Elty: "Oi! That's my line there!"
That doesn't feel like a remotely robust security system if you just need the equivalent weight of a Charmander holding a rock to trip it. Though I suppose being an exit switch would explain a few things on that front.The apparently lightweight Charmander scanned the ground and found a large rock. That’ll do. He hauled it over with him and jumped onto the tile again.
Click.
The dead-end glowed a bright cyan, much like the glassy mushrooms. The blockage, a huge boulder, rolled aside, revealing the bright sky. Owen squinted, reptilian pupils narrowing until he could finally adjust to the new normal.
He emerged to the base of a rocky hillside behind him; green fields of grass as tall as he was greeted him ahead. To his left and right was a simple dirt path, carved by traveling Pokémon. Owen headed to the left, knowing that it would be a quick walk to get to Kilo Mountain.
... I just realized, but why on earth do they all need a pressure-sensitive exit like that anyways? Since if Amia is a wanted 'mon and is holing up in a place like this... that would seem to imply that the villagers at large have someone gunning for them given that they aren't content with just leaving a normal cave entrance.
Yuuuup, they're all hiding something, or from someone. Can't tell who/what, though.It was a little raised hill in the distance from his perspective, but that was a whole mountain of black rock. The ground rumbled, the boulder that had led to the opening of his hidden village rolling back into place, blending in with the rest of the hill.
A short, quiet walk later, with the summer breeze tickling his flame, Owen stopped where the dirt road converged with many others. Embedded into the ground was a flat, silvery hexagon with a few dim lights lining the sides. The lights weren’t very bright in the morning sun—it was mostly for visibility at night. Instead, it made for a colorful, intricate pattern that, from what Owen had read, was meant to be aesthetically pleasing, and had little other functional value.
Owen stepped onto the Waypoint and gently tapped his ankle on the tile. In a flash, he disappeared.
I mean, "night visibility" for the glorified teleportation pad seems like a pretty non-trivial practical function, just saying. I might be nitpicking, but it might make sense to specify that this applies to those lights by day.
Though I see we're getting the first good look at the teleportation network of this setting. Can't harp on the shortcutting utility of it too much, since I'm using a worldbuilding device to a similar end for "skip ahead to where the plot needs you without feeling too BS" in some of my own writing now. And hey, you can't say that literal fast travel isn't convenient for yeeting characters around.
... Wait, so nobody regulates the flow of traffic on those things? How does that not result in regular telefragging incidents?The sky was a blinding blue that morning, not a cloud in sight. With the help of the Waypoint, the fiery explorer appeared in the middle of town in a flash of light. It hadn’t felt like anything but a blink, yet in that blink, he went from staring at Kilo Mountain from far away to being within the crater’s top, within Kilo Village itself.
“That was so cool!” Owen said. It wasn’t his first time, but the wonder of being able to teleport from any other Waypoint to the central one would never wear off for him. Just as this wasn’t going to be his first exploration, but it’d be the first one in a slightly harder Dungeon that he could remember.
I mean, the answer from elsewhere is apparently “aura tiebreaks” arrivals, but it would probably make sense to at least allude to that in a passing sentence. Kinda like a “miracles of modern technology these days” throwaway.
Though "any other Waypoint to the central one", huh? Meaning that everywhere in the network is at most two jumps away, with the hub being one of them. Guess that would explain why Kilo Village is apparently the center of the universe in this story.
... Why am I suddenly thinking of Sootopolis right about now? Since barring the Waypoint this setup literally sounds like Sootopolis. Like all that's missing is the offhand mention of the patch of sea that links to the outside via a subterranean tunnel.Owen looked around to gather his bearings. Immediately in the center of town was a sign that said, ‘Welcome to Kilo Village!’ It was odd to have a welcome sign in the exact middle of the location, but it made sense when most individuals entered through the Waypoints scattered across all of Kilo. The town itself was in the middle of a crater at the top of an extinct volcano. From inside town, one couldn’t see anything beyond the dark hills of the crater. The altitude, however, wasn’t very high; the mountain was mostly underwater, rather than above the sea—according to the Water Pokémon, at least. Owen didn’t intend to test such theories out.
The buildings that surrounded him were no more than two stories tall. Oblong rocks bound by mortar shaped the buildings near the center of town—the oldest buildings of the crater. These black stones were home to nobody. Instead, it served as a hospital for rescued and injured Pokémon. Owen spotted a Chansey through windows of wood and glass, holding a few soft-boiled eggs in her tiny arms. A Miltank was carrying a large jug of milk in the opposite direction.
Owen decided not to think too hard about it.
Owen: "Well, I don't know if I'm lactose intolerant or not as a reptile, but I don't think I'll be drinking any milk anytime soon."
Owen: "Whelp, I'm pretty sure that I'm broke right now, so we'll just keep moving along-"All around Owen was everything that a Heart would need. The northern side of the crater was dedicated to Dungeon items and equipment. These buildings were made from the same material, but were more recently renovated, lined with displays of seeds and berries, wands and orbs, tonics and vitamins.
Ah yes, what everyThe east was dedicated to eateries and restaurants for Pokémon that were either preparing for a mission or returning from one. Sweet and savory scents mixed in the air and the jovial energy of a job well done permeated the atmosphere. If it wasn’t for the price, Owen would have eaten there every night.
Owen: "... Dammit, those restaurants are making me hungry right now. Also moving along."
Owen: "Or end terribly, since you know. Experimental materials. Anyhow, also moving on."The west was for training and sparring, fighting one another, attacking dummies, and conquering obstacle courses set up by retired explorers. These buildings were often where experimental materials were used before shifting the techniques into the older buildings. After all, if it could withstand the attacks of the Pokémon that trained there, it could easily handle whatever else the rest of the town had to deal with.
... I might be misremembering things, but I could've sworn from the crossover with GL that the leader of TH was Anam. Not sure how heart motifs figure into that, but guess we'll find out pretty fast.Owen then glanced longingly at the southern part of town. The Thousand Hearts. The building itself was a big, red, heart-shaped structure, with many smaller hearts scattered around: kiosks and special-purpose facilities. Inside the biggest building was where all Hearts met for check-ins, assignments, and training. Why a heart? Owen had no idea, though it might have something to do with their leader’s personality.
I mean, yeah. Usually when people are nervous and insist that everything is fine, something is really, really not.All of the sights and the bright sky lifted his spirits. He couldn’t ignore how nervous his parents were, and that dampened them slightly—but he figured that if he kept acting cheerful, maybe he’d be able to fool himself into truly feeling confident, too. That feeling always nagged at him. The idea that something wasn’t right with anything he did. Not that he did it incorrectly, but that something, in general, felt wrong. Even now, it tugged at his mind.
Least of all since I’m pretty sure that you’re cockblocking traffic from like a hundred different locations right about now, Owen. :VLost in thought, he didn’t notice a passerby Zangoose.
“Kid,” he said, “you oughta get off the Waypoint.”
“S-sorry!” Owen scrambled away. “Okay. Okay, time to go. I need, uhh, what do my supplies look like?” He rummaged through his bag. “A-and I’m not a kid!” he shouted. “I’m just a late evolver!”
He had two Oran Berries, two elixirs, some rations, a Pecha Berry, a Heal Seed, a Totter Orb, and—just in case—an Escape Orb. That should be enough, hopefully. No need to go to the shop to get anything. He’d want at least one Reviver Seed, or even a tiny one just for the boost to escape from trouble, but he didn’t have the funds for that sort of thing. Oh! But what if they had a rare berry or two? Sure, he preferred having his bag half-empty in order to make room for scavenging in the Dungeon, but a few extra berries wouldn’t hurt. If he just shuffled the Oran Berries around, perhaps carried the Totter Orb instead?
In other words, tell me that your upcoming mission is going to be a disaster without outright telling me your upcoming mission is going to be a disaster. :V
“Kid. You’re in the way.”
“S-sorry!” He stumbled. “Wait—I’m not a kid! I told you, I’m a late evolver! I’ll have you know, I—uh—I, er…” He finally realized who he was talking to. Not the Zangoose this time. It was a Golem, a behemoth of a rocky sphere, staring down at him from his great height. Defiantly, Owen puffed out his chest. He was a full-grown adult! Or at least an adult! Lots of weaker Pokémon never evolved. He just happened to be strong and slow at evolution.
The Golem sighed and wobbled away.
... Can't tell whether Owen's being legit or coping like crazy right now. Guess we'll find out pretty quick, huh?
That... sounds an awful lot like coping. Though hey, if you managed to bounce back from getting run through by a mutant Seviper the other day this well, there's clearly more to you than meets the eye, so I'll withhold judgment for now.“Kid… not a kid… I’m just a little late, is all. I bet I’m way stronger than even the average Charmeleon! Stronger than that Golem, too, if he didn’t have an advantage.” Owen mumbled more to himself, the rest incomprehensible, clutching his bag. “I didn’t train with Dad for nothing.” He hesitated on that line of thinking. What if he didn’t evolve yet because he never got to train with a Charizard before? Could that happen? Is that how evolution worked? Owen shook his head. No, many Pokémon were raised without the same species around, and they evolved just fine. Adopted Pokémon weren’t at some—some disadvantage, were they? No, he was just fine! “Yeah, I’m just—”
He bumped right into another patron. “Sorry! I’m sorry!”
“Ahh, it is not a problem.”
Owen saw an Alakazam whose mustache was large enough for Owen to walk on like a carpet. Owen’s gut twisted with a feeling he couldn’t comprehend. But then, he shoved that feeling away, and instead tried to take in exactly who he was talking to.
“Y-you’re—you’re—!” Owen’s eyes sparkled. “Alakazam Nevren! Oh—oh, wow!”
Owen: "... How do you not trip over that thing anyways?"
Nevren: "I'm psychic and can levitate?"
Is it even possible to miss an Alakazam with a 'stache that big? Like you'd think that even blind 'mons could literally feel it and go "oh yeah, that's Nevren" if it's big enough for a small 'mon to walk on.“Ahh, you’ve spotted me!” Nevren chuckled. He put his two spoons in his left hand and shook Owen’s with his right. “It’s very nice to meet you.”
Ouch. "I'm sorry, do I know you?" can't possibly be good for one's ego. :VOwen tilted his head, confused. Hadn’t they met before? No, they hadn’t. He was just so well-known that he must have had that impression.
... Do Pokémon normally not retire from TH unless they die/seriously get messed up? Since that feels like quite the assumption there.Nevren continued. “Ahh, I see you have a Provisionary Heart Badge. Training to become one of the Thousand, are you? There are quite a few open slots coming up soon, you know. Sixteen official retirements.”
“Sixteen?” Owen asked. “Wow! How come? Are… are some Pokémon not doing well?”
Oh, thank goodness, I was getting worried there for a moment.“Ahh, no, no, it’s nothing like that,” Nevren said. “These Pokémon are retiring on schedule. There will be a ceremony about that soon, you know. Perhaps you should attend and network with the others.”
“But you’re an Elite Heart,” Owen said. “Do you think I’ll be able to, um, get to that level?”
“Well, surely with time, you can. Everybody begins at the Entry tier, of course. But, looking at you…”
Owen felt a cold pit in his stomach at that analytical gaze. Was he being judged, right there, by one of the most Elite Hearts in the whole world?
Yes, yes you are, Owen.
That turned out a lot better than I thought it would, but that's still judging. And 'I see potential' is literally one of those non-answers that can very easily be warped around into something a lot less flattering than it sounds on its face. 😅Nevren nodded. “I see potential. Quite a bit!”
Kiiiinda wonder if this bit would've worked better to describe Owen's mood shift / body language a bit more. Dunno whether it'd work better prior to the first or the third paragraph or both, though.“Y’do?!” Owen said, worries gone instantly. “Wow! Okay! Then I’ll definitely do better!”
Nevren nodded. “In fact, why don’t I give you a small gift?”
“What? A gift—from you?! Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Please! I’ll treasure it!” Owen had no idea why Nevren would want to give him a gift so randomly. But he wasn’t going to question a freebie!
“Of course! Here, have this.” He handed Owen a small stone. It sparkled in the sun, but was mostly gray, like a shiny rock.
“Cool!” Owen said politely. “What, uh, what’s it do?”
“It is a special stone that protects Pokémon that have not yet fully evolved. It’s called an Eviolite—and it will be useful as long as it is near your body. I, of course, have no use for it, but you certainly do.”
I mean, an Eviolite does sound handy for a rookie, just saying. Though I wonder how common they are in this setting if Nevren is just casually giving one to an Entry Heart that he doesn't remember from the past.
... Have you ever considered just hiding the Eviolite underneath some sort of garb or accessory you normally wear? Sounds like a handy way to trick your mind into forgetting about that.“Oh! That means, so, when I get super strong, that’s when I won’t even need it.” It was a constant reminder that he was a larva when he shouldn’t have been. But, at least now he had a boost. “That’s the perfect item! Thank you!” Psychologically it was undoubtedly going to feed into some complex, Owen thought, but in terms of practicality? Priceless.
So 'sections' are floor analogues in this setting, huh? Though I see that KV has a fairly literal way of handling how the games deal with jumping to missions in the canon mission select screen.Nevren chuckled. “Be sure to keep it with you!” He walked past Owen, and the Charmander was left puffing a little plume of confused smoke at the Alakazam. Keep it with him? Of course he would!
Completely forgetting about going to the shop, he headed south again to the Heart. There, along the pathway, were many lines of warp tiles, each one with a label engraved on it. They were Waypoints set up by explorers of the past in different regions across the continent, meant for getting there instantly, rather than on foot or by wing. With the tiles sorted by a strange derivative of Unown runes, Owen searched for Unown-W’s symbol. “Western Crystal Cave, Western Wetlands, oh! Wooden Wilds! That’s it, alright.” Owen took a breath. “Tenth section. That’s my goal.”
Before he had the chance to enter, someone bumped into him.
“S-sorry! Again!” Owen said, a hint of irritability in his voice. This place was too crowded.
“Feh, quit standin’.” A huge, orange jaw chittered in front of Owen, owned by a Trapinch.
Ah yes, our first of the four party members depicted on the cover art. Let's see who we're dealing with here...
Just how much of those memories did coming back from the opening scene nuke anyways? Since that's the third Pokémon that Owen's gone "wait, have we met before?" to.“Gahi, don’t be rude,” said an Axew just behind the Trapinch. Right next to the Axew was a Chikorita, who rolled her eyes.
Owen’s heart fluttered as if he’d seen old friends. Yet, he didn’t even know their names.
The Axew was the first to speak. “I’m sorry about Gahi,” he said, motioning to the Trapinch. “We were actually on our way to do a little mission. Or, well, to find one.”
“Oh, really? I was going to go exploring in the Wild Woodlands.”
“Y’mean the Wooden Wilds?” Gahi asked.
“Y-yeah, that.”
Well, that's an omen for faceplanting hard on your first mission if I ever saw one. I'm pretty sure that if you don't know the name of the MD you're trying to go to, that that's a sign that there's other things you don't know about it.
Gahi: "... You sure you're going to manage on your own out there?"
Owen: "I'll be fine. Seriously, I'm tougher than I look!"
“Heh, well, g’luck,” Gahi said. “Figure yeh ain’t too experienced.”
“I am too! I’m super strong! I just… didn’t evolve yet.”
Oh lol, literally the very next lines.
Oh, so 'late evolvers' is just a legit thing in this setting, huh? I mean, I can understand the tactical considerations of it if move learning takes after the games, but that sounds like a fast way for some dumb kid trying to sound tough getting way, way in over his head in this world.“Oh, really?” Gahi asked, his starry eyes shining with interest. “Well that makes four o’ us. Mispy, Demitri, ‘n I all’re late evolvers, but we’re super tough!”
... Sounds like Owen might be one of them, really. Since I can see that 'Is that real?' there.“Oh! Wait—late evolvers. Is that real?” Owen had just made up the term, but they used it, too. Owen’s tail-fire burned a bit brighter at the validation.
Owen: "... Wait, so what's the story behind why you haven't evolved anyways? Cheaper food budget?"“’Course it is!” Gahi said, stomping his tiny foot. “Otherwise, I’d be a Flygon by now!”
“And I’d be a Haxorus,” Demitri said. “Well, maybe just a Fraxure.” He rubbed at his tusk, tending to a little nick on the right side.
“Meganium…” Mispy said, leaf drooping. The three collectively sighed.
Gahi: "Pretty sure that wouldn't stop Mispy, just saying-"
Mispy: "I heard that!"
Wait, but I thought that the established term was "Entry Heart(s)". Or are the two interchangeable with one another in this story?“I know how you feel.” Owen’s tail drooped slightly. “I’ve trained hard enough to become a Charizard already. I’m sure of it! But, it just never happened. It’s so weird. Everybody else in my scales would’ve evolved by now, but…”
“It’s too bad,” Demitri said. “But, what can you do? We work with what we have, as Heart Entries.”
Small little nitpick there for Demitri's line that IMO sounds a bit more natural, but eh. Authorial decisions.Owen’s eyes sparked. “You’re one of the Thousand?!”
“Well, three of them,” Demitri said. “We’re our own little team!”
“That’s so cool! How’d you get in?”
“Hard work,” Gahi said.
Owen: "... I mean, I've been busting my tail for forever and still need to pass my exams. So... maybe narrow that down a bit for me-?"
Gahi:
“And,” Demitri said, “we got a good word in from our mentor, an Elite Heart.”
“What? Who? Which one?” Owen asked.
“Lucario Rhys,” Demitri said.
Yeah, that does sound like it'd help a lot for getting your foot in the door. Even if it kinda undercuts the mystique of getting in by hard work... which might have something to do with why Gahi didn't reflexively bring it up as an answer.
The "his" there made me double-take since originally I thought Owen was saying that they were his students, as in that he himself was their teacher. I'm pretty sure you meant spot edit related, though.There was the smallest pause from Owen. He knew the answer. He knew these three were Rhys' students. Trapinch Gahi, Axew Demitri, Chikorita Mispy. It was obvious to him! But why? No, don’t look crazy. Not today, Owen thought. He feigned a beaming expression. “He’s so cool! He’s the aura expert, right?”
Though how many times has this kid gotten his memory nuked anyways if this sort of "I know this about you but don't know how" has happened to him if he's worrying about looking crazy today? Implying that he's looked crazy before. .-.
- Owen calls out after Gahi -“Yeah,” Demitri said. “And he’s super tough!”
“I already met Alakazam Nevren a little while ago! Those two are friends, right?! Oh, can I meet—I mean,” he paused. “Um… I mean…”
“Heh,” Gahi said, amused. “Maybe when yeh get stronger. ‘Til then, we’re gonna do our mission.” He led the way to the main building. Demitri followed, waving back in farewell. Mispy gave Owen an apologetic smile and followed after them.
Owen: "B-But it would take all of five min-!"
Gahi:
[*][2:24 AM]
Owen: "Seriously, do you just live to make that expression?" >_>;
Gahi: "When it's for unreasonable asks like that, yeah. Focus on toughening up a bit more before you try to make a first impression with our mentor."
Owen watched them with a tilted head. Their entire conversation felt like one giant déjà vu. Everything today did. He shook his head; if he kept thinking like this, his entire day would be ruined. He forced excitement to take over. He had an exploration to do!
Preeeeety sure that PWCH vividly demonstrated how this sort of mindset can get really messed up really fast in short order, but I'll refrain from raining on Owen's parade since I'm sure something will in short order given the amount of tempting fate that's been going on.“Peh! Pah!”
Embers filled the air. Shrieks of wild Pokémon accompanied them. With their bodies burned, they vanished in thin air, returning to the entrance to the Dungeon. “Sweet!” Owen said, pumping his fist in the air. “This is super easy!” He felt a little bad about hurting those Pokémon, but they were the ones attacking him. Owen felt a gentle sting to his side; one of the Paras had jabbed him in the thigh.
inb4 there's other ferals just camping at the Dungeon entrance waiting for free dinner from encounters like this.They should be fine enough. Getting ejected from a Dungeon often left the victim exhausted… but ferals like those were resilient.
You probably want to explicitly mention in passing somewhere that Owen grabbed that apple, since it kinda comes out of nowhere at the moment in the second paragraph of this block and doesn't exactly require a ton of words to acknowledge. My understanding is that you actually had a sentence that did that originally, so make sure to drop it back in at some point.Owen’s stomach growled loudly, breaking him from his train of thought. He tittered and dug through his bag and fished out an apple. “I guess fighting all the time can work up an appetite, huh?” The crackling flames of the battle’s aftermath spoke back to him. “I need to stop talking to myself.”
Owen sat down to enjoy his meal. He grabbed a stick nearby and stuck it through the core of the apple. He wrapped his tail around and kept it in front of him, roasting the apple above the flame, focusing to make the flame hot enough to actually cook it.
Again:Someone growled behind him. Owen sighed. There was never any peace from the ferals of the Dungeon. They wandered aimlessly into these strange distortions of space, with no knowledge about how to leave, or even how they got in.
“I wouldn’t do that,” Owen warned. He didn’t even turn around. He bit into the roasted apple, savoring the sweet, hot taste.
Well that worked out better than I thought. Though boy has Owen forgotten a lot of things if he can't remember when he learned his own moves. Like just how many times has this kid gotten his memory reset? And how many times has he almost bitten it, if not outright bitten it like in the opening scene to this story? .-.The feral advanced, growling even louder. Suddenly, the ground beneath the Pokémon’s feet lit up in a bright yellow. A column of fire engulfed it—and that was it. A quick shriek, and then it was gone from the Dungeon. Satisfied, Owen spun the apple to cook it a bit more. “My signature attack—Fire Trap!” he said to the wind.
Being at such a disadvantage, he had trained day and night to perfect a delayed Fire attack, should he ever be caught off guard when handling things one on one. He wasn’t really sure how long he had actually trained; long enough to forget when he actually learned the technique, at least. Still, it took time for him to do it. He could only use it if he had a big opening. But that wasn’t so bad. Now, if only he could figure out how to run away and use the attack at the same time.
Owen finished his apple and stood up. “Top shape!” He pumped his fists in the air. “Can’t beat me now, Dungeon!”
The ground rumbled, as if Owen had tempted fate a bit too much. “U-uhh—” He looked back.
“Rrr… rrrn… rpphhf…”
You see, this is exactly why you don't say stuff like this in a dangerous environment.
Ah yes, one of the mutants that Alex and Amia were worried about, since you just knew that something like this was going to happen between all the fate-tempting that's been going down this chapter.Owen’s fire burned bright. He was ready to run at a moment’s notice. He shoved his hand into his bag, looking for an item that he’d picked up in an earlier section. He found it and looked up just in time to see the foot of a Snorlax stepping through the corridors. This Snorlax was huge—even bigger than he thought was normal for the species. And its arms were a bit longer, too, with long, matted fur. Muscles bulged unnaturally. It wasn’t a normal Snorlax—and Owen wasn’t prepared for whatever it had in store.
The phantom pain in Owen’s chest and back suddenly flared up at the sight of this mutated Pokémon. He had forgotten all about it. Suddenly, Owen remembered his dream, or flashes of it. He remembered his father getting struck, and then exploding in a cloud of blue embers. And some creature—he couldn’t remember what—slicing at him. That didn’t feel like a dream. But—his father was alive! It had to be a dream.
The Snorlax, however, was anything but. A single swing from its mighty fist would turn Owen to a fine, red mist.
Owen: "... Pretty sure that this is a really good time to pop that Escape Orb!" O_O;
I mean, not bad. But if you'd thought to bring a Stun Seed, you could've minced off at your own leisure while making cheeky gestures on your way out. Sounds like the more enjoyable experience compared to this. :V“Nope!” He threw a seed toward the Snorlax and fired a puff of flames along with it. The seed ignited, sending soot and smoke in all directions, both blinding and suffocating the mutant. It roared and rubbed its eyes, stumbling blindly into a wall. Owen, knowing he was outmatched, fled for the next section. He only stopped running once he was sure he was far away. He held onto his tiny knees.
- Beat moment -He caught his breath and stood straight. “That was weird,” Owen mumbled. “Never saw a Snorlax like that before.” He shook his head. Nothing he could do about it now. It was just something to report when he got back to Kilo Village. The Charmander gently held his chest; the phantom pain was fading.
Owen: "... Considering how I'm struggling to remember things as basic as when I learned my moves, how sure am I of that?" .-.
Owen: "Well, okay, I might be crazy, but that was definitely real."I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy. That was real, and I’m not seeing things. Not crazy.
I'm pretty sure the rational course of action is to just say to hell with this mission and "nope nope nope" out of this MD in light of the Swolax sighting and then report it to TH. Kinda wonder if it'd have made sense to play up why Owen decides to stay the course when he just ran into something that by his own estimation could've reduced him to red mist, even if it's just a sentence or two. e.x. he'll fail his mission and Escape Orbs aren't cheap or something like that.And so, he advanced. Each section was separated by a small distortion, like a vertical pool of water, but Owen had an easier time checking each time his Badge blinked. The blink indicated a transition into a new part of the Dungeon. Section seven, section eight, section nine… section ten. “Okay, this must be it,” he said. “Finally.” Between his apparent struggle to differentiate dream from reality, and then the Snorlax sighting, his enthusiasm for the exploration was being sustained only by his own feigned excitement.
Given that my understanding from offsite commentary is that Owen’s being driven along by pride and a warped sense of self-preservation here, I'd suggest considering something along the lines of the following:
Owen continued on without looking back. The Snorlax was just an aberration, and it was probably long gone by now. The rest of the dungeon had been the easiest thing in the world, there was no sense in throwing away a mission he knew he could do with his eyes closed over a freak encounter. And so, he advanced.
Each section was separated by a small distortion, like a vertical pool of water, but Owen had an easier time checking each time his Badge blinked. The blink indicated a transition into a new part of the Dungeon. Section seven, section eight, section nine… section ten. “Okay, this must be it,” he said. “Finally.” Between his apparent struggle to differentiate dream from reality, and then the Snorlax sighting, his enthusiasm for the exploration was being sustained only by his own feigned excitement.
Basically, explicitly showing off "well, that was weird, but I've got this!" in Owen's thought process/narration.
He did his research. There was a Waypoint at the end of the tenth section, where the Dungeon’s perimeter ended. What great timing, too—Owen was beat! He didn’t want to admit it to the Dungeon, but the tenth section was his limit. He looked up at the sky. The sun’s rays weren’t shining through the tall trees anymore—not directly, at least. It looked like it was going to turn orange soon. If he didn’t get home by evening, Alex’s cannons were probably going to explode with worry again.
“Hey. Kid.”
Pretty sure that this is a recipe for you being in for a bad time, Owen. Should've bailed while you could've. ^^;
Owen bristled. “I’m NOT a ki—id…!” He turned around. On the other side of the Dungeon hall, a few paces behind him, was a creature with gray scales, huge jaws, and large wings. His eyes… Owen didn’t like those eyes. Trained, focused. Malevolent. What did this one have in mind? He saw that look often in town—outlaws that were captured, still bitter with defeat. But this one wasn’t defeated.
Of all the people that he’d met today, this outlaw was the first one that he had no inkling of familiarity with. He had to be careful what he wished for; meeting this Aerodactyl gave him the worst pit in his stomach yet. Maybe it was the apple.
Ah yes, Owen runs into
Like if he's assuming Jerry is an Outlaw, it probably makes sense to explicitly state that somewhere in paragraph 1 of this block.
It probably makes sense to show off some body language from Owen here given that he's going full nervous titter right about now. Given how big of a jump that is from his last described body language / dialogue, it probably merits some explicit description.“What’s someone like you doing in a place like this?” the Aerodactyl asked. “Looking for an advantage? Nothing but Grass and Bugs here, after all. Fire Type like you? Easy win.”
[ ]
“Y-yeah. Really easy, ha ha…”
Owen: "F-Flying-types?"“I have an easy time here, too,” Aerodactyl replied. “Rock is strong against Bugs. And Flying? Beats ‘em both. But you know what’s really great about me?”
“Y-yeah? What?”
“Rock beats Fire. Rock also beats Flying. And guess what explorer-types show up the most here?”
Jerry: "Guess harder, kid."
“F… Fire and… Flying?”
“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. You’re pretty smart, aren’t you?”
Owen: "I... really don't like where this is going."
Jerry: "Wouldn't expect you to. I certainly do, though."
It might make sense to drop in a paragraph here where you show the gears turning in Owen's head and him going "oh crap, oh crap, this is bad" a bit more explicitly. Since while I gathered that Owen's bravado has kinda exited the room right about now, it feels like we don't really get a solid sense of how things look from his perspective.[ ]
“I—I know Alakazam Nevren,” Owen said. “You should be careful how you act in front of me!”
“Oh, is he around?” Aerodactyl asked. Owen flinched. His hesitation said it all; the winged Pokémon’s jaw twisted into a horrible grin. “Guess that won’t matter, then, will it?”
“Uhh…! Uhh, then I’ll just beat you!” he said. He stomped on the ground and leaned forward, feigning an attack stance.
“Oh, really?” Aerodactyl asked, amused. “That’s a laugh. Okay, kid. But I’ll give you one last chance. Gimme your bag, and I’ll let ya go. Otherwise, I’ll—”
All that was left behind were a few stray embers from his tail; Owen bolted.
Jerry: "Hey! Get back here, you little brat!"
Owen:
Though that seems like a good place to leave off, guess it's time for the post-mortem recap:
I think that the prologue and first chapter did a pretty good job at establishing an initial hook. It does a good job at selling the sense that something is really weird and amiss, and then shows off Owen as a character. I know that you've compared HoC's target vibe to shonen shows, and... honestly, I can see it, since Owen's mannerisms feel pretty "shonen protagonist" from an initial impression. Not sure if any of the other characters got as solid of a read off of them, though there were definitely some tantalizing hints, especially for Alex and Amia, and I think you picked a pretty decent note to leave things off on for Chapter 1, since it does a good job at encouraging readers "hey, come back and see how Owen
As for the stuff I was a bit less hot on... some things about the prologue and first chapter felt pretty accelerated. Like I get that part of that is just your fundamental style as a writer and your world is fundamentally set up for a fast-paced plot with stuff like the Waypoints lying around, but there were a number of parts that struck me as places that would feel more complete by taking a moment to drop in a little bit more detail or description, especially since these two chapters aren't exactly big to begin with. The tail end of Chapter 1's last scene in particular was where I noticed that dynamic the most.
But yeah, I can see how you built a following for this thing @Namohysip , and it's definitely a better first impression of what's going on than my experiences getting a first taste of HoC from the GL crossover, since... that kinda threw me into the deep end and I had no idea what was going on there when I read it, while it's a bit different seeing things built up a bit more properly. Dunno how frequently I'll be crossing paths with HoC for the near future since I’ve kinda got other things blocking the queue, but I could see myself coming back to this story here and there. ^^