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K_S

Unrepentent Giovanni and Rocket fan
Hi kiba i am here for the blitz, lets get started

Chapter 1

Ah the question of the ages. And a title drop all in one stab. Nice.

From the four floors down line i am going to say i suspect that we're in a mystery dungeon. I have to admit at the "rich trees" line I kept imagining animal crossing money trees for a moment.. A quick nod towards if theyre rich in greenery, bark, color, or presence, probably would help clear it up.

And called it we are in a wood version of a dungeon. Nice.

Outsiders? Like bandits maybe or is the dungeon spawning types not combatable with our pov character? I have to admit going from near trip to limbering to striving to... Take a flight? is the pov a flying type?

Keeps reading to digit line... No not a flyer.

Suffice to say i am a bit confused. But we get some of the dungeons alien geomatry rules when pov can't get thier physics to work for them.

Ok so definitly not a flyer. Hello treecko, and an underling treecko Since they refered thier captian.

And there's a pidgeotto on Tree's tail. Luckily that gust missed but still" run little guy, run. You don't sound o.p. enough to tank flying attacks.

This is an interesting intro to the mana system. I have some questions though.

Are the outlaws making mana by just... Hanging around in the dungeon? Is the conflict summoning it? or is tree' lucking out and picking up normal mana vibes just by being in a dungeon?

Also what makes pidg's gust so wierd verses tree's quick attack?

Laughs. While i can respect captians orders with four bandits one after the other I have some suspicions about cap's motives.

As in was this a set up. Or did the rng decide "i hate you" and is acting on it.

So we're introing factions. We got a merc status that totally explains the "money money money" mentality thats being flaunted thus far...


So sentinals are cops and keepers are mana upkeepers/farmers?

Regardless, being ratted out as inept at your born status/station by a murder bird has gotta sting. Until you consider its a murder bird. Then it just seems smart to stop caring.

Also all that bragging about beimg such a great keeper despite being a homocidal maniac kinda falls flat. I mean, who'd wanna keep that, hufflepuff will likely return him, there's a multiple was to swing several burns here without trying...

Well thats a rescue. And we get a canon version of a rescue team? Wonder how relations are between factions.

Guess we get to find out...

And we get tre- i mean Linus as our p.o.v. nice to know and we'll see how the new blood aka ranger doggo is gunna take it.

Ok, so ranger doggo is chill. And is nerding out a bit with Linus. They have a fun back and forth and you can hear Linus getting hearts in his eyes.

And i am sensing zero loyalty to the mercs. Especially if the idea of getting to play with mana research tools is all but making Linas drool.

And theres a league, like a mon league? How does that work without trainers?

I've got so many questions...

Snorts torchic scratch writing. I mean it works but thats gotta be bad to have your whole starter evolution devolved to a joke.

So Linas is jumping boat? Wonder how thats going to go down. I hope lycans chill with this grassy new engrained attachment.

That needs confidince pats?

And so.the adventure comtinues
..Linus is out and joining sharp claw and we'll see how it goes.

Thanks for sharing.
 
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Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
Blitz time, ch 1!

So I feel obliged to say up front that the formatting made it really hard for me to read easily. Mainly the large spaces between sentences. This usually happens because of how the forum can interpret copy pastes. Deleting every space if it was copy pasted can be annoying, but I believe there's now a command for that. I genuinely recommend this because it'll definitely help readability.
1704328187207.png

Okay that aside, I'll give a few line comments and thoughts!


Starting right in the action I see!

"You think you can hide from me just because you are a Sentinel!?" the Pigeotto roared.




In this Hemisphere, everyone was either a Keeper or a Sentinel- both with responsibilities.
I found it a tad awkward to receive this narration right before an explanation was given, particularly since this is an action scene. I think perhaps you might be better serviced by taking out the explanation in favor of the more organic delivery later.
"Yeah, we don't make much money in our Rescue Team," the Lycanroc sighed.




I glanced down at my side and applied the bandage to the wound. "Ya don't do requests or missions?"




“This was a request. There have been reports of a suspicious Pokémon nearby, so we League Pokémon had to split up to cover more ground."
I have to admit this caught me off guard for a sec because it sounded like he just said he was in a Rescue team, but also a league. However I see that apparently Leagues work alongside rescue teams?

"No. I'm also a Keeper, a Pokémon sensitive to the shifting of mana."
So I know this is for the audiences benefit but if this is common knowledge, it feels pretty weird to explain this, since Linus should already know. it'd be a little like someone saying 'hi I'm a doctor! that means I help heal people with medicine'. This is actually not a bad place to insert the narration from earlier! Example:

A Keeper. One naturally attuned to sense shifting aura. That explained how he'd found the Pidgeotto. In this Hemisphere, everyone was either a Keeper or a Sentinel- both with responsibilities. Responsibilities not everyone adhered to.

"I remember when I handed in my last Expedition assignment, back then I was still supporting the League. I just didn't know it."
I thought he just said he was here with the league, but here sounds like he's not with them? Not a big deal, as this is possibly simply some worldbuilding politics that will be expanded on later.

In the distance there was a Boltund wearing a three-tone scarf like the Lycanroc, one who paced around the entrance of the Mystery Dungeon. "Are they with you?" I asked.




The Lycanroc gently nudged me. "Yeah, and soon you can too."
I think this wording reads a little smoother as "Soon you can be too?"

Overall I think the idea of mana as a magic system in a PMD world is really cool! Reminds me of aura, heh. I know some people may not enjoy such concrete or game-leaning stuff, but I for one think its very cool! You allude to some really interesting stuff in how its used. Pidgeotto seems to have grown unnaturally strong. Mana is apparently something in the air or just sort of in the world around them. It was a good tie in to see Linus has to 'reach' for normal mana around him.

I think this is a good setup for a story, as it establishes the first bit of conflict, some new characters, and introduces our main character. Or at least, one of them, in Linus, as I bet there will be more. You also show of the first parts of your magic system. Aside from the formatting quirk I mentioned I thought the beats here intrigued me. Overpowered and weirdly strong pokemon, unique spin on magic, and clearly some different guilds and organizations, as well as roles people in the world play!

I think one area I'd like to see more of would actually be Linus himself! We get a little bit of internal narration here and there, but one of the most fun parts of first person is getting a direct feed into the POV characters thoughts. First person is a great way to show that. Show us how he's feeling, what he's thinking. I liked seeing his thoughts on Keepers and Sentinels, clearly he has strong opinions. But during the latter half of the chapter, he decides to quit his mercenary job and join this Lycanroc he just met! This is a spot it'd be lots of fun to see more thoughts from Linus.

Does he admire the Lycanroc so much he wants to join him? Is he sick of the mercenaries for some reason? Or perhaps he's just someone not good with committments and likes to always try new things. I actually wasn't sure! But I bet you know your character well. Giving that insight into what kind of person your MC is, something he desires or holds important, is the best way to draw in readers and keep them hooked.

Anyways, I hope this doesn't feel too negative or anything and you find something helpful among my thoughts. I'm glad I got a chance to take a look at this, its been a little while since I read PMD. Happy writing!
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. quilava-fobbie
  5. sneasel-kate
  6. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, dropping in for a quickie review while working my way down my target list of users to give at least one review to. I remember a while back that you said that this chapter was actually a climax to a two-parter with Chapter 6, so that seemed like as good a place to jump back into things:

Chapter 7

Chapter Summary
Team Sharp Claw has now experienced a new breakthrough at the League. But they aren't ready for everything yet, therefore it's time to learn some new moves and show their knowledge to the prospects.​

I’m not sure when you implemented these chapter summaries, but they’re definitely convenient for readers coming back after a bit of an absence. It kinda gives me the vibe of one of those “previously on” recaps from a cartoon show or something like that.

Glade Totodile's POV

Four Pokémon stood in the back of the practice field, right beside the various-sized Substitute targets, and brightened when they saw us coming. The Quilava and the Oshawott nuzzled up next to each other while the Luxio and Rowlet chatted.

Oh, those four are definitely new. Or at least, I think that they’re new.

"Howdy folks!" Linus cheered. "Team Sharp Claw has finally made it!"

Nevada slowly nodded. "T-thanks for having us! We'll do our best!"

I’m not really sure how I feel about Linus talking about his team in the third person like that. Like on the one hand, it’s not wrong, but it does feel like it’d be a bit strange to actually talk that way.

[ ]

"It's time to learn some new moves and fuck shit up!" I patted my teammates on the back.

[ ]

"Alright, our teammates will take it over from here. Here are some of the TMs Team Aegisdrip got from their missions," Morág pointed down to a box.

I feel like we’re missing a bit of description here, both to ground what’s going through Glade’s head since that’s not really being communicated prior to her line (though I’m guessing that she’s supposed to be excited) or to Morág et al’s reaction to Team Sharp Claw.

Devontay smiled and gave a little bow to the best of his ability. "That Team Aegisdrip is busy right now, so these guys are taking over the training. Please behave yourselves and learn well!"

I put my arms behind my back as the Pawinard and the Whirlpede then walked through the practice field back to the League Building.

It might have made sense to give a reminder of Morág and Devontay’s species before they started speaking. Though I do wonder if “these guys” should’ve just been a namedrop assuming that they are familiar with Quilava and the others enough to know their names.

Angel the Quilava opened the box and pointed inside. "Here, we have Brick Break for Glade, Solar Beam for Nevada, and Energy Ball for Linus," she explained.

Angel was never introduced all this time unless this was worked into an earlier chapter, so this name is kinda coming out of nowhere. At the very least, you should probably implement some description from Glade’s PoV where she has something to the effect of “oh huh, Angel’s here” while walking in a bit earlier.

Linus, Nevada, and I leaned forward to gaze at the TMs. The wind grew a bit intense and we shuffled back. [ ]

"First things first!" Kairiharu the rather big Oshawott shouted, and Nevada jumped into Linus's arms. "Use all of your current moves on the Substitutes!"

Kairiharu is also coming out of nowhere here, both in terms of a name and jumping into the scene. I would recommend adding at least a sentence or two of further description turning Glade’s focus to him/her as s/he steps forward or something like that. Also, yeah, this is why it probably would’ve made sense to spend a bit more time describing these two when Glade initially saw them, since I didn’t get the idea at all that Kairiharu was unusually large up until just now.

"Now now, my love, don't startle them," the Quilava sighed.

"These three are fine, they knew they were going to be under the care of Team Whitelight," the Oshawott replied and lowered her ears. "But I'll relax and try not to get carried away."

Oh, so that’s what these two (or four?) are called. Wonder what the story behind their names is.

"Kairiharu's just stoked to have some more competition, right~?" Ollie, the lanky Rowlet asked with a thrilled hoot.

Okay, yeah. This is a team of four. Noted, then.

That's weird. [ ]

"Competition?" I asked.

IMO, you should take some time to get into Glade’s head to explain what she finds so weird about this interaction at the moment.

[ ]

"I ain't expecting y'all to think of us like that!" Linus panicked, and his eyes darted around. "I've gotta live up 'ta that!"

"But- but what if we aren't good enough?" Nevada stepped away.

I get the feeling that this will be happening a bit in this chapter, but as a general rule of thumb, you want to explicitly note when characters’ moods are changing rather than leave it all up to the dialogue to carry. Like my assumption is that these two are basically double-taking, but that’s merely an assumption that I’m making, while explicit description would go a long way to showing off how the scene is supposed to play out in your envisioning.

The Luxio, Enrique, padded up behind us and gently nuzzled Linus and Nevada. "Don't worry, just do your best!"

Another spot where a character is being casually referred to without being introduced beforehand.

I crossed my arms and stifled a growl as he got close, but he remained at an appropriate distance anyway.

Glade:
No-touchy.gif


Even if he's a fellow League mate, I still can't help it! I really hate that stupid side of me. He's not like them. Those are the only Pokémon I should hate. Wicked Blow.

I… think that Glade’s thought process is missing a step here. It might’ve made sense to slow down a bit and show her thought process in a bit more detail if it’s not significant character spoilers since I’m not fully sure what this “I still can’t help it!” is referring to.

"Hit 'em those Substitutes with everything you've got!" Ollie cheered. "Then you can get some new moves!"

This sentence IMO works better with Ollie just being a bit more direct about what the “‘em” is, since for a second I forgot that they were facing down Substitutes and thought they were about to spar with each other.

[ ]

<><><>

After we practiced all of our moves on the Substitutes, Ollie flew up to each of us and perched on our heads. "Alrighty, you three! We've figured out the best move combinations for you~!" they chirped. The Rowlet was still fairly thin even after Devolution so we didn't mind. At least I didn't.

I lined up in front of the medium-sized Substitute and smirked to myself. Ooh, I'm so fucking hyped!

I’m… not really feeling how this one sentence is basically carrying at least 5 minutes of action on its own. Like I get that you don’t want to spend too much time describing a dozen attacks that ultimately don’t matter much to the progression of the plot, but even just smash cutting Glade’s first attack on a Substitute and then pulling a “Five minutes later, after [...]” skipahead does a lot more to make things feel dynamic in a way that the present implementation doesn’t.

"Linus, you will swap out Leafage for Energy Ball! The rest of your moves are adequate for now!" Kairiharu ordered and gave the Treecko the Technical Manual.

Then Enrique picked up a similar green disk booklet in his teeth and passed it to the Charmander beside me. "I'd suggest exchanging Scratch with Solar Beam."

Angel then walked on her back legs for a moment and gave me a red-colored TM. "Brick Break allows you to cover more Pokémon elemental type weaknesses. You would find yourself in a good situation to remove Scratch as well."

Yeah, see above. Since we literally didn’t see anyone on team use any attacks, so it feels a bit weird to have an acknowledgement of “yeah, I saw that attack you were doing in that one glossover sentence” like this.

"Team Sharp Claw! We should activate the discs now!" Linus cheered before he flashed a smile. Then we broke them.

Wait, so did they literally just crunch the discs into pieces or something? Or else what does ‘breaking’ these discs look like?

The soft bread-like taste of normal-type mana left me and the rush of strong thick fighting-type mana flooded my body. [ ]

"Let's go!" I roared.

[ ] and I channeled Brick Break on my forearms before I chopped directly at one of the Substitutes. The attack sliced it clean in half.

I didn’t realize that different types of mana had distinct tastes. Though I would strongly recommend dwelling on the sensations that Glade is feeling a bit more. e.x. as a throwaway example that may or may not comport with how the rules of your setting work:

The soft bread-like taste of normal-type mana left me and the rush of strong thick fighting-type mana flooded my body. I felt a sudden energy pulse through my veins and work through my limbs, which made me feel as if I could tear down a mountain. I squared off with my latest Substitute and opened my mouth with a bellowing roar.

"
Let's go!"

I ran ahead and I channeled Brick Break on my forearms. Much to my surprise, everything about the move came so smoothly as I flattened my claw out and chopped directly at one of the Substitutes. It dug into the Substitute and just kept going, until it sliced it clean in half.

Though yeah. You clearly have a mental image in mind for moments like these. Just remember to describe more of it for your readers.

Next to me, Linus dashed forward with his palm against his Substitute, and the green orb of Energy Ball tore the fabric.

"What the voidlands?!" I yelped as I distanced myself from the Treecko.

Linus: “Glade, I’m a Grass-type. How is this so surprising to you?”
916590116670144542.webp


I glanced over to Nevada and saw their claws near their stomach, as green and yellow swirls of grass-type power spun around like Dragonair's Twister! Finally, after a couple of seconds, it fired, and the Solar Beam exploded the Substitute.

The three Substitutes took only a blink of an eye and to reappear, their damage fixed completely. [ ]

"Good work Team Sharp Claw," the Luxio purred. "However, there are some other moves we think you should try learning."

Huh. So there’s regenerating Substitutes in this setting, duly noted. Though IMO, it probably makes sense to describe Team Whitelight reacting a bit to Team Sharp Claw’s practicing there.

Nevada nervously glanced at Team Whitelight. "W-what do you mean by trying to learn?"

[ ] I never really realized it but maybe we've neglected our true potential. I guess we aren't strong enough for everything that could come our way. I'm not strong enough to deal with them. The ones who made me this way.

This feels like it’s missing a step to put Glade in the mindset of thinking about her true potential. Like is there something specific either about Team Whitelight or her teammates that makes the topic come to mind?

[ ]

"In the next week, we think you should learn and try using the following moves: Flamethrower instead of Ember. You're a big strong Charmander, ya know Nevada? You gotta have flames to match it,” Ollie hooted. “And Glade, those Totodile teeth of yours are made for bigger things. Learn Crunch instead of Bite." Ollie hooted.

It probably makes sense to have some explicit description to move Glade’s attention back to Ollie here.

"Don't yell at me!" Nevada's tail flame sparked out.

The Rowlet darted away at that moment and landed on Enrique's head. [ ]

"What's wrong?" the Luxio's ears fell as he spoke.

[ ]


"O-oh, you sounded like h-him for a second," the Charmander grabbed Linus's hand and looked down. "But he's not here. Sorry for yelling."

Shit! Talking about Nevada's species like that brought back some bad memories… That used to not be a trigger for them. Wordlessly I placed my claw in theirs and they gripped it slightly.

I feel like that you have a certain depiction in mind for what this would look like drawn out in terms of reaction and body language from the various characters. It probably makes sense to describe them a bit more, since this part was a bit hard to visualize.

"No no no," Ollie hooted softly. "I'm sorry for saying it that way. I believe in you."

"Those are obvious move upgrades, they allow you to unleash more of your latent power," the Quilava placed her head against the Charmander's shoulder. "Nevada, though… We think you could benefit from trying out another long-range move like Heat Wave. We'll have to see if you can really work well with it instead of close combat."

[ ]


"We'll have to see?" I asked, and folded my arms. "See after what?"

This feels like another part where it’d benefit to see the gears in Glade’s head turn a bit more.

Team Whitelight exchanged some coy looks with each other and whispered something. "The coming week."

[ ]

"Okay. Let's go!" Linus yelled and then he formed another Energy Ball and tossed it at a Substitute.

Wait, did Glade hear the “coming week” remark? If so, does she have any opinions about it? Since I was honestly expecting her to have more commentary about things before the gang went straight back to practicing.

As we practiced the rest of our moves near Team Whitelight, I heard a little noise behind us and turned my head to get a quick glance. There was a Granbull who headed our way.

"Hello. Team Sharp Claw, you have a request," Sir Cooper explained. "It's from me, 360 poke. Can you help teach the rest of the material with me?"

Team Sharp Claw:
giphy.gif

Glade: “A little too easy, actually… why’s he bringing this up now anyways?”
401085511176814613.webp


Nevada, Linus, and I looked up from our opponents. I groaned as I let the fighting-type mana leave my arms. "Gah, I wanted to test out my new moves some more!"

"All of you will be able to do so soon. Come on," the Granbull started to lead us back to the patio. "Even more importantly, though… you know how Team Aegisdrip helped you with your Entrance Exam?"

Wait, but I thought that the ‘material’ was the moves that they were practicing. If it’s not, it probably makes sense to be a bit more specific about what this ‘material’ that Cooper is referring to is.

[ ]

"Y-yes, we definitely needed their assistance to pass," the Charmander next to me lamented.

"Yeah, I was a bit of a dumbass so I barely passed," I sighed.

Linus patted me on the shoulder. "I guess I'm also a dumbass, I actually failed the first time I took the exam."

You probably want more reaction from some combination of Glade and Team Sharp Claw here, since this is very close to words in a vacuum here.

"Oh right, that's why you didn't join the League right away!" I laughed.

[ ]


"Remember how Team Aegisdrip helped you all. Help their younger siblings, Mienfoo and Slowbro," Coordinator Cooper urged us.

"Y-younger siblings!?" we gasped.

Ditto here for if Cooper has any reaction to the three’s commentary. Though wait, have these two actually appeared on-screen thus far? If so and Team Sharp Claw were there for it, it might make sense to add and explicit reminder.

"Yes," he answered.

"Those two?" I asked. "Why don't we know more about them? Like their names?"

[ ]


"Their names are withheld for Disruption safety procedures, but once they pass you best remember them. Just as everymon did for you."

Something about this section feels like it’s missing description to help the readers visualize the scene. My personal suggestion is to slot it in before Cooper starts talking again, but it could potentially work elsewhere.

"Understood," we all replied.

<><><>

Soon we made it back in front of the prospects. "Okay, you two, feel free to ask us anything!" the Granbull explained.

This is another spot where it feels like things are very, very sped up at the moment. I would suggest either adding a hard scene cut or else a couple sentences of descriptive transition. Potentially both.

"Keepers and the world's balance…" Mienfoo started to say, while they looked off to the side. "We as Keepers know what they are, but what do they mean to Sentinels?"

"Well," Coordinator Cooper sighed, "this was supposed to be a simple lesson, but I guess we can humor you."

[ ]


"Who really are Keepers?" Slowbro rubbed underneath his chin.

I’ll avoid getting too broken record about it, but yeah. Show off that mental image of yours regarding how this is playing out a bit more, especially if Glade is having internal mental commentary about things.

"Keepers are Pokémon that are in tune with the world's balance of mana," Nevada repeated slowly.

'"What does that mean?" Mienfoo grumbled. "There's a balance to all this?"

Linus: “Gods, this is going to be a real headache of a mission, I can already tell.”
659983090747441181.webp


"You all know that there is the mana that we use for elemental typing in our bodies and in our moves, right?" Linus asked.

"Yes," Slowbro and Mienfoo answered.

"There is also mana, the same mana that is in the outside world, all across the Celestial Hemisphere," I gestured to the sky.

[ ]


"So the mana that is in the world is called the balance?" Mienfoo questioned. "How does the balance of mana really work with Keepers?"

"The balance is something Keepers can understand in their body." The Charmander started writing on the board. "How equal the energy of each elemental type is."

Waaaaaaait, but didn’t we get this explanation in a prior chapter before? If it’s explaining the same information to new characters, it might make sense to gloss the stuff that has been already introduced and give specific focus on the parts that are new to the reader.

"What else exactly?" Slowbro tilted his head. "We know you've told us you felt this terrible pressure in odd Mystery Dungeons before."

"Oh, and bad tastes from other Keepers' presences. What about mana levels by themselves?"

"We can tell if other Pokemon's mana levels are unequal only if they are unlocked," the Coordinator explained.

… Wait, but how on earth is any of this quantifiable in this setting? Since I didn’t recall them having much in the way of machinery lying around.

"Unlocked means that someone used the key artifact of one of their types on them, correct?" Mienfoo asked.

"Yes," Linus answered. "Now for the world's balance, it gets tricky, as there are factors based on where you are, either inside a Mystery Dungeon or just in a normal area."

"Inside a Mystery Dungeon, there is an average amount of mana pressure that we Keepers can feel," the Granbull explained. "Normally it is firm, but if it is 'crushing'," he then paused. "Or too 'loose', this means the Dungeon is unbalanced."

I… kinda wonder if Cooper’s explanation should’ve been paired closer to the ‘pressure’ question with the rest of the stuff in this conversation coming later, since this feels like a bit of a roundabout dialogue path to get back to the topic of mana pressure here.

"The unbalanced state of the world meant Keepers of Wicked Blow messed with the mana artifacts," I pointed at the board.

Like a whiteboard, or…? Though yeah, this is why description to set scenery and stuff like that is important, since I kinda double-taked after seeing this mentioned.

"The artifacts…" the Slowbro grumbled and clenched his eyes in concentration.

Nevada sighed. "Don't fret about it, you'll search for them with the League in no time. Well, I hope. M-most Keepers don't know where exactly, it could be here or on another Continent."

Ah yes, that really narrows things down, now doesn’t it? /s

"Oh, I see," Slowbro nodded. "Hopefully Keepers and Sentinels can work together and find possible locations for them."

"What are the locations called?" Mienfoo asked. "So we can go inside, go beat up Wicked Blow, and save the world!"

"Mana Temples," the Coordinator finished wiping down both boards. "They are hidden away inside Mystery Dungeons."

[ ]


"What?!" those two Pokémon shouted. "Just like that!? In places, we go daily?!"

So wait, are these random spawns like those doorways / houses or whatever that sometimes get dropped in in-game? If so, do teams just go through Mystery Dungeons repeatedly until they come across one of these Mana Temples? Or is there a way to influence whether or not they appear.

"Yes, Mystery Dungeons," Coordinator Cooper smiled.

The pair of Pokémon finally closed their notebooks. The Mienfoo rubbed their shoulders while the Slowbro absent-mindedly picked at the shell attached to his tail.

Glade: “Oh, well this teaching session is going smoothly right about now.” -_-;

"Team Sharp Claw, Cooper, just the Pokémon I wanted to see!" a muffled voice called out.

I snapped my jaw shut as I realized who the Pokemon was.

"Sir Chief McBone!?" I gasped.

The Stoutland had a sealed letter tube in her mouth and then released it. "You can read the contents here. Team Sharp Claw and everymon should be aware."

If McBone is female, that would be “Madam Chief McBone” there. Though looks like we’re going to get that escalation to this chapter after all.

Team Whitelight, as if on cue, rushed over to the patio and stood behind us.

Glade: “... Chief McBone? What’s going on right now?” ._.

"Master Zeraora will reach the Mohz Dunes 'soon'. Estimated time is around 1 or so months of travel after going up through the Hunter's Plains villages to the west of Bristberg," I listened closely as Sir Cooper repeated the information from the letter Sir McBone received.

He continued. "They will be on the lookout for Keepers who don't take their responsibilities seriously, particularly ones who should know better…"

The Granbull glanced over at our shocked expressions. [ ]

"That's definitely just a fear-mongering tactic, but we can never be too careful. Especially with Pokémon that have not received any education on proper Keeper behavior."

I… think that we should’ve been told a bit more through Glade’s PoV as to what is so significant about Master Zeraora looking out for irresponsible Keepers. Like I get that they’re supposed to be finding it ominous, but it’s not really elaborated on why, and I’m not really sure what the purpose of that is.

Then he watched as his mate pulled out another letter. "This one's for you specifically, Cooper," the Stoutland said through the plastic tube in her teeth. So the Granbull took it.

Coordinator Cooper sighed as he read the contents of the letter and then looked toward us.

"So the 'Tiger' of the Committee will be here in a few weeks,” he explained. “He and actually wants to meet with me while Team Sharp Claw goes with that their ward to Brist Mountain Mystery Dungeon."

Some small suggestions for tweaks here.

"Remember to use those tone inflections and speech patterns from the Legend Roche City," the Stoutland added. "Helps with formality, especially with Committee members and the Heads apparently.

>tone inflections

Oh, so ‘Tiger’ and his friend circle uses Mandarin like the earlier Zeraora we saw in this story. Duly noted.

"I know there's definitely a reason, but why?" Sir Cooper asked, and his tail lowered.

"When Chief Centiskorch used his regular Red Rock accent with some Committee staff members, they asked if the Committee would let any city slicker be a Chief. When he used elocution spoke with an accent from Legend Roche, they praised him for his brilliant articulation."

[ ]

"That's frankly asinine."

Another spot where some reaction from Glade or whoever’s replying here would make sense here.

"And so is that supposed ward protection and assessment program the Committee is hosting. We know absolutely nothing about those Pokémon at the moment."

"I've never heard of this ward-business before… I need to have some Pokémon help me investigate, covertly. Lest what happened with Team Vanguard happens again."

[ ]


The pair looked back over to us just when I tapped my foot against the ground. "You all are now free to ask some questions," Chief McBone explained.

Wait, but what did happen with Team Vanguard? Even if it’s not time in-story to go into detail about that, if Glade knows about it, it probably makes sense to hint at it, or else to have Glade herself wonder what’s going on.

"Are we going to go somewhere on a request again?" Nevada chimed in with their claw raised.

"Well, at least at the place I told you I need you to escort a client through. Brist Mountain Mystery Dungeon."

Ah yes, escort missions. Everybody’s favorite™ part of the PMD experience.

"That never-ending maze?!" I groaned. "But we just went there last week!"

Coordinator Cooper chuckled. "Well, now we will have a guest in a few weeks. Where else did you think you were going?” he asked. “Especially with your countless regular requests, sparring, and helping the prospects in the next weeks?"

The Granbull then walked over to us. [ ]

"Your new Keeper teammates will arrive sometime in the next month. Understand, Linus, Nevada, Glade?"

This paragraph works better broken up into smaller pieces with a bit more expansion thrown at the part where Cooper walks over to Team Sharp Claw.

I can't believe this! I sucked in my teeth. "But you only have us listed for some damn boring missions that are just outside of town!"

"Well tough shit," Linus patted me on the head. "Just finish 'em' like we always do."

I’m… not sure if I follow why Glade is so upset at the moment. It might make sense to have her more explicitly lay that out for the readers to follow in the narration.

Nevada tugged on the Treecko's arm. "Glade's right, it's so tiresome going to the same place doing requests over and over against mainly the same Pokémon day in and day out!"

Glade… technically didn’t say anything about that in her dialogue, just saying.

[ ]

"I need you all to prepare," Coordinator Cooper sighed. "Just as I will do my part, I need you to do yours."

He's right. I need to become stronger. Not just for myself. But for everymon. Especially for Linus and Nevada. We don't know what'll happen with the Committee, Head Tiger, that ward, and Wicked Blow.

Even then, there's always unknown wildcards that could get in our way. Whoever it is, we'll deal with them. It's who we are. Team Sharp Claw.

I feel like Glade goes a bit too 0-60 from “blugh, this sucks” to “y’know, Cooper has a point actually”. It probably makes sense to depict that as being a bit more gradual. Throwing in a bit of extra description of how different reactions are going down could potentially be a means to help give openings for that.

Alright, so I kinda get what you were going for here, and for what it’s worth, I feel that the nuts and bolts of your chapter aren’t all that bad: Team Sharp Claw gets a chance to practice some TM moves, gets roped into explaining things for the new kids, and effectively gets their new mission for the upcoming arc in the story. That’s all fine and good, though admittedly, I felt that the particulars of the execution stumbled a bit along the way.

The biggest issue that I can see with this chapter right now is that there is simply a lack of description detailing what’s going on, both in terms of actual events happening, and in seeing what is going on in Glade’s head, which is a bit surprising since this chapter is meant to be explicitly written from her perspective. And yet time and again, she just doesn’t have a lot to say through the narration about the stuff that’s going on around her. I kinda get the vibe that were you to commission a comic of this chapter, that you have specific mental images in mind of what certain parts look like in your head. In a written medium, you need words in order to share that, otherwise it will go over your readers’ heads.

There were also some parts where I was struggling to pick up on the context of certain terminology in the story, especially from the part where Team Sharp Claw is helping to educate the newbies and going on about how mana works in this setting and the chatter about Keepers and Hunters. Your narration is your number one tool by which to help contextualize those “for me, it was Tuesday” elements of your setting, since while all of those terms and explanations might be reflexive in-setting, they’re not necessarily reflexive for the reader. Much in the same way that the difference between an Oran and an Oren Berry wouldn’t mean anything to a reader without a knowledge of Sky’s lookalike items in a vacuum. It’s something that you should be careful about when dealing with terms and mechanics that are specific to your story.

Sorry if things were a bit heavy on the criticism @Kiba Makuro . Though for what it’s worth, my feeling that there’s a good tale in this story hasn’t changed from prior reviews. I just think that there’s a fair bit of room for additional polish to really bring it out.
 

BossCar

Pokémon Trainer
Pronouns
He/His
Here for Blitz! Before I comment on the story itself, I would strongly recommend that you try to fix the giant spaces between each line. I don't think it's intentional because it's not consisent.. Spaces that big can be very distracting and jarring. I did find myself having trouble reading it.

That's the only real bit of crit that I have, the story itself is fine imo. You have a very interesting take on PMD, it reminds me of the Kanto war theory and the lore about AZ. I am going to assume that these artifacts are akin to Time Gears from T/D/S. Defintely has that darker story vibe that PMD likes to aim for, but the storytelling and characterization in PMD has usually been ahead of the main series imo. We really a new installment of PMD in the world of gaming.

The start of the first prologue provides a short but effective tense mystery. Good way to get the reader hooked. The idea of giving prologues to the three characters is also a good one, and the other two prologues start in a similarly effective way. One thing I really like is how they differ in how each POV character feels.

Chapter 1: I like the inclusion of a map here. I would have liked to see some more description too, but the map is nicely made. The short bit provided about Sentinels and the League is helpful to get the readers up to speed quicky.

Chapter 2: I would have liked a bit more description in all of them. I think you have the potential to be good at it, an example of which is in this chapter:

The waves rocked us side to side, while the Wingulls', and Wattrels' cries filled the air. In front of us was one of the only indicators of land, a thin lighthouse that sat high in the sky. The visage of the beach blurred by the sea.

Wicked Blow seems like they'll be a formidable antagonistic force. I also think the name and the use of scarfs is a good choice. Haven't seen Zeraora in a fic before, at least I don't think I have, much less a smaller one. It's nice to see Pokemon that don't normally show up.

I would have liked to say more, but I'm still dealing with fatigue from an irl issue. But I do think overall, it's a good story. Keep it up.
 

Z102eternal

Bug Catcher
Location
United States of America
Pronouns
He/Him
ALRIGHT! You know what time is it, REVIEW TIME!
with this I'm going over the prologue chapters + ch 1, so I'm gonna try and talk about the various aspects all around
Mana. What was it? Was it more than a power source? Why did it cause Pokémon to behave like this?



They fought over it. Fought wars. They killed each other, just for a chance at more power.



Why?



I never imagined I'd end up this way. Caught in a world of strife.



And I was one of the many Pokémon who were the key to fix this. We're the ones who turned the gears of change. Together.
Really sick intro line. Cheeky way to work the title in.
So first things first, the pov starts with Linus the Treeko, and already we're introduced with some main concepts: The keeper and sentinels, how mana as a power source interacts with the mons themselves, and several locations and names dropped. While the main chapter itself is straightforward, the amount of concepts in these starting prologue chapters are interesting, though I do have my critiques (which I will mention in just a bit).

We have our protag getting into a nasty fight with a Pigeotto, who then gets her ass kicked by a Lycanroc. What's interesting to me is just what determines if a mon becomes a keeper or a sentinel, which I'm assuming gets answered later.

And just like that, there's also a LOT of named characters that are introduced one after another in the next 2 prologues. Again, while its relatively straightforward what's going on, there's a bunch to keep track of from paragraph to paragraph. The world that GoM takes place in feels detailed enough as it is, which adds to the intrigue of what's going on.

Okay now the next important aspect of the story, POV switching. With a fic like this with a large cast to begin with, I suppose swapping around can help get some insight to other pokemon's thought process, although this isn't without my gripes with it (again, to be covered soon)

Interesting how keepers have their own individual...tastes, like Sir Cooper having a "sweet" taste with his mana. Adds to the uniqueness of the concept, and how pokemon can determine things about each other.

So pokemon can have their mana flair up into unknowingly becoming keepers, given the Wooloo's moment? Intersting.
I don't have much to say about Prologue 3, its back to Linus and we get clarification more on his new partners. I do feel the whole conflict and resolution to be a tad bit..rushed? Also cue evil team boss battle. And the kinda ominious ending quote from Linus

Now on to chapter 1!

Immediately we get another new POV, which adds another character to keep up with. And now we get a proper map to chew on, which looks sick btw! Then, another narration part which goes back over concepts but streamlines it to flow from point to point. Normally, I wouldn't be too big on that, but the way this chapter is structured feels like a big improvement on the first 3 prologue chapters.
Half of the Pokémon in this Hemisphere seem to understand the concept though. Keepers. They're used to sensations. Well, not sensations, more like tastes. I wouldn’t know, I’m just a Sentinel.
Hmmm, curious to see how the dividing contrast between Keepers and Sentinels is used in the story progression itself. It's quite the concept already.
The majority of other older Pokémon in the League didm't understand how it felt to have your progress stripped away like that, to upgrade, and then go get kicked back down. Devolution . A-chan, I, and a few of our friends evolved but recently went back to our old forms, just bigger.
That's pretty frightening to think about. You finally evolved after who knows how long only to get everything reset. Another factor working against them.

Following some exploration, the group has their next encounter.
Behind us was a trio of Pokémon, who wore purple, black, and red capes. A Gengar, a Dragapult, and a Midnight-Lycanroc. I don't understand, the three of them had flimsy, fraudulent auras for some fully evolved Pokémon. Something wasn’t right here.


"Travelers." The Dragapult's slimy child-like voice called. "We have some things to discuss with you!"


A and I stared at the scarlet, violet, and black colored patches on their coat and then over each of them.



"What is it?" I asked. "We've got some requests to do, so I'd appreciate it if you'd not fire attacks at us. Or it'll get ugly real quick."
What a interesting group of fellows! Surely they're not here to cause the main group trouble! :)
One hefty asskicking later, and- what the hell they were dittos the whole time. Also creepy crying into shiny zeraora jumpscare. Too bad trying to help only makes things worse.

“We are not just Sentinels, but Fangs of the Fallen?!” Nevada panicked, as their tail flame heated up.

With a name like Fangs of the Fallen, it certainly doesn't sound like a nice thing to call someone!

Cliffhanger on ch 1, so that's it for now.



Okay so, let me go into detail about how I feel about it, objectively as I can. There's a lot of interesting potential with the worldbuilding and concepts like Keepers, Sentienels, and how mana as a power works in this world. There's also the mention of ancient artifacts (?) that can make use of them from what I'm guessing. As far as characters go, I don't really have much to say on them right now. It leads into one of the things I'm sadly going to have to critique: The character load.

This being so early on, I feel as though so many characters are thrown in all at once, which can be disorienting to keep up with as things go along. This is further complicated by the constant POV switching, which means we don't get enough time to sink into the characters of a particular faction immediately. I managed to keep up mostly fine so far, but there is a lot of dialogue flowing back and forth without an attached character to them sometimes, which only adds to potential confusion.

Another issue I have so far is with the prose. It's detailed enough to convey the action or scene, but can come off a bit..awkward in places. It's moreso for me in the prologue where there's a weird selection between detailed terms and short terms that make some lines fall flat. Now, in ch 1, there's visible improvement on it, but still a ways to go.
This is a bit more subjective on my end, but I'm also neutral on the dialogue so far. Maybe its due to the shifting povs, but some lines are effective enough, but others didn't grab me. It's a bit hard for me to post a specific example, but...

"But Master Fang we need to fulfill our Dream Mark promises to one another!" the Rockruff said."Besides ours with you two, we have others! Kobi has hers to Hatchet and I have mine to Kobi!"



"You don’t understand, I’m not like you! I have to complete my research on the artifacts so I can understand-"



"Enough of that now," Hunter barked suddenly. “The staff waiting here are going to come out and check you Kobi, Makkuro, it is best not to speak.”
There's just something about this that feels stilted. Maybe it's due to the word choice or structure, but I read it, and I feel like somethings off. I'm sorry if that doesn't help you, but I would recommend considering how you word dialogue.

Anyway, despite my gripes, I find this story to be unique enough in its setting as is, even before other aspects. I also appreciate the use of your own originally made music for this fic. It adds charm to it! I'll be sure to leave more reviews in the future, so look forward to it!
 
Interlude 2- Part of the Test

Kiba Makuro

Bug Catcher
Pronouns
He/Him, They/Them
Posted May 8th, 2022

Chapter Summary

Team Sharp Claw and Jin enter the Bristberg Highlands. What exciting adventure and new experiences await them inside the depths of the mountaintop Mystery Dungeon?​



Third Person POV


"This is the outside of Brist Mountain Highland Mystery Dungeon or just Brist Highlands for short," Linus rubbed the shoulders of his coat. "Take in the sight for a moment as this sleet storm passes," the Treecko gestured upwards.

The dark teal body of the mountains shimmered with the slick of the rainfall, just as some of the black and light aquamarine sections of rock reflected the bright beams of the sun.

"Excuse me but why are we waiting?"Jin asked.

"Oh uh, contrary to popular belief the weather outside affects the weather inside a Mystery Dungeon," Nevada explained.

"Speaking of Mystery Dungeons, we've gotta tell you about the most important part," Glade placed her claw on the Zorua's shoulder. "Look up there," she pointed towards the peak of one of the mountains.

There were Pokemon who roamed around the mountain range, some flying and climbing around the particularly treacherous areas, one's outside of the Highland Mystery Dungeon and on another one.

"The Brist Mountain Peak Mystery Dungeon or the titular Brist Mountain is sacred and hallowed ground," Nevada explained. "Even the most advanced Rescue Teams, Explorers, and Expeditionors only venture into that Dungeon with the utmost caution, for the Pokemon who guard the treasured depths inside are furious."

"Oh my word, there are Pokemon up there," Jin murmured while studying their motions. "The town Pokemon are surely hearty, braving those impressive cliffs like that."

"The Pokemon on the mountain don't Pokemon that live in Bristberg," the Totodile shook her wrists. "Well not inside the town, the point is they aren't like us."

"I beg your pardon?" the pale Zorua tilted his head. "They are not?"

"These Pokemon, well uh live on and dwell inside... Mystery Dungeons and are called carnal ferals," Nevada mumbled as the sleet started to slow down.

"Ferals? If I may, why do you classify Pokemon by a different name based solely on where they call home?" Jin watched as the sky cleared slightly.

Linus picked up the Team bag and passed it to Glade. "They are called ferals by some Pokemon, which I don't like by ta way, because of the sickness they get. It's from absorbing mana from inside the Mystery Dungeon when restoring their Power Points."

"Oh right," the Zorua said. "They probably don't go out and procure supplements."

"This sickness is often called Carnal Instinct, and there are five stages that have been researched on," the Charmander exhaled to defrost some of the ground.

"All forms are dangerous and only the fourth and fifth are considered full-on feral Pokemon though," Glade grabbed Linus's shoulder and shook him. "But we need to do more research on the Pokemon here anyway."

"I know, I know," the Treecko tried to explain.

"Even with all of our various journals, logs, and guides we still only know a little bit of info on about five or six species," Nevada added.

"Oh, you are all compiling data on Pokemon you encounter?" Jin lit up. "I was familiar with some colleagues of mine who were tasked with that in my homeland!"

"Well, how do I put it…" Nevada brushed off their shoulders. "Our other Rescue Teams, cause the League has a few more, usually do it but we'd help pitch in occasionally. That makes sense right?"

"Yes, I seem to follow correctly," the Zorua acknowledged.

"Come on Mister Team Captain," the Totodile slung the bag across her back. "We have to go inside to show Jin here more about the Dungeon!"

"Alrighty then let's head on in!" the Treecko nodded. "Follow me!" he then ran inside the entrance on the mountain face that led into the Mystery Dungeon.

Once the four Pokemon entered the Brist Highland Mystery Dungeon a mysterious tune began to play. Then an odd natural enclosure of stones closed the opening of the mountain face. Inside the Labyrinth, the open reaches of the sky were visible, however, the majority of clouds were a ghoulish deep black, with swirls of red and purple mixed into some grey patches.

"Ugh," Jin grimaced, lowering his ears. "My companions, something is off about this Mystery Dungeon place."

"It must be mana right?" Nevada questioned. "Remember we Sentinels can't feel a thing!"

The Zorua shivered for a moment. "Yes, it is as if a strange pressure is running through my body."

Linus patted him on the back and began to rummage through the team bag. "I see, so one of the requests from the board in town was correctly flagged."

"What?" Jin squirmed as the Treecko fastened a blue hood tight against his head. "W-what is going on?"

"Do not worry, we'll help you deal with the status effects, please bear with us," Linus reached down to ruffle the Zorua's chest fur and hug him.

Jin dropped his ears. "My friends?"

"I'm so sorry, you've never felt this before so it's scary," Nevada panicked. "Pokemon in this Mystery Dungeon also are dealing with the same problem."

"Which are?" Jin looked up at his companions.

"Because of the imbalance of pressure, you Keepers overall ability to move quickly is lowered, you all also have weakened physical defenses and special defenses to elemental damage," the Charmander noted.

"Really?" the Zorua narrowed his yellow eyes.

"But don't worry," Glade assured. "It says here in this exploration guide that says that ferals in Mystery Dungeons that have imbalanced mana pressure seem to always be absent from the first floor."

"Alright then, but what did you put on my body?"

"It's just a Reunion Cape buddy," Glade narrowed her eyes.

The Charmander beside the two knelt. "We need you to wear it so if we somehow get separated you get back to our side," they explained. "Got it?"

"We need to hurry through the Mystery Dungeon to find the wheel, the solution to the imbalance now y'all," the Treecko started to head out of the small room the group arrived in. There were two choices that the group could make and they did heads or tails on a poke coin to see which one.

Soon everyone hiked up the left hallway. The Rescue Team tried to run but forgot that it left their companion a couple of meters behind them before his cape teleported him back to their side. Linus, Nevada, Glade, and Jin decided to slowly and carefully navigate through the various winding paths and mainly empty rooms of the Mystery Labyrinth wasn't completely desolate; however, there were leftover items scattered around the mountainside. A Pecha Berry lay in one room, some coins rested on some rocks in another while there was a pile of Geo Pebbles seen from a hallway the group passed.

As for the environment of the Brist Highland, it had a dark teal base lined with grey, black, and light aquamarine stones. In narrow cracks of the boundaries of the Dungeon had realms and dens where feral Pokemon preferred to hide away.

The Team continued onward and saw small pockets of water that branched in between some rooms, while certain paths were cut off by thin ravines, and others twisted into dead ends. Very few signs of feral activity were present besides the sounds of scampering and the alarm calls that rang out in the distance.

Glade, Linus, and Nevada continued forward, eventually making their way into a large room with another branching pathway.

"Without many enemies in our way these first couple of requests should be easy!" the Totodile cheered.

"I'm afraid I still can not manage to comprehend what you are all referring to," Jin raised his paw to press onto the Treecko beside him.

"There are missions for us to do inside of this Mystery Dungeon, otherwise we'd have fewer reasons to come in here," Glade stepped away and pointed down towards an entrance into another room. "It's a natural Labyrinth where if you aren't careful the weather conditions, traps, or the Pokemon inside could put an end to your run."

"My word!" Jin panicked. "If I may, with all of those forces to fear why would you League Members dare venture inside?"

"The missions aren't just tests of strength or whatever, they are to help other Pokemon in the town," Nevada crossed their arms. "Our first request was to check out the pressure of the Mystery Dungeon."

"It was?"

"Which is why we needed ya Jin," Linus added, ruffling the Zorua's head. "Without ya here we'd hafta go and hire a Keeper mercenary from the groups that worked with our League before. And then they would tell us about the pressure and get a percentage of our request profits."

Jin calmed down slightly. "I understand that, but you mentioned more requests," he paused to dig at the ground. "What else could the town possibly require from you all?"

Glade stamped her feet on the ground. "In these specific requests, Wicked Blow caused all the issues! We're supposed to be the first ones to handle those guys whenever we get word of them!"

"Wicked Blow… What did they do here?" the pale Zorua pondered.

"If it's anything besides what's in our requests we'll hafta figure it out when we get on the next floor, not sitting here!" Linus sighed. "Up the stairs now y'all."

The four eventually found a room with an exit that appeared to be a portion of a stairwell, which was a natural occurrence. The Team and Jin ventured up the stone staircase to the next floor of the Mystery Dungeon.

Now on the second floor, Team Sharp Claw decided to rest a bit so that Jin could recover from his fatigue, the imbalance of pressure was taking its toll on the Zorua's body. But Jin insisted that he was going to continue his journey with his new friends no matter what.

"Okay someone's lost item is on this floor and there seem to be gang members of Wicked Blow hiding around the next couple of floors," Linus explained as he glanced over the lengthy request paper. There were two more pages of information that they had at this disposal thanks to the work of the Winter's Reach League. "The reports speak of stolen goods that belonged to the town's Pokemon and attacks on them."

"Egads!" Jin panicked. "That is what has happened!"

"We'll have ta see partner," Linus sighed. "Time's of ta essence folks, let's get a move on."

"Alrighty, let's go kick some ass!" Glade flexed her arms.

"Hey wait, we forgot about the ferals!" Nevada said while the Team continued through the large room they found themselves in before there was a light gust of wind.

"What about them?"

"You all know there were not any Pokemon that we encountered on the last floor," the Charmander replied.

"Yep," Glade rubbed under her chin. "I didn't even get a chance to use my moves or anything."

"But that changes right now," Linus said. "Because the Pokemon living in here take in the mana directly from the Mystery Dungeon, I'va heard they have some interesting temporary abilities."

"Praytell, what about the Pokemon abiding in this place?"

"Guys we can't stand here and wait, we've gotta find our first item!" Nevada demanded.

"What was it again?" Linus sheepishly asked.

"You are the one holding the freaking requests!" the Charmander huffed. "It's someone's bundle of Warp Wands."

The four Pokemon were on the lookout as they walked through the next area. They had to check every nook and cranny of each room.

As the four Pokemon traveled across the mountain range, louder Pokemon calls and cries could be heard from within the Mystery Dungeon. The majority sounded like one-word commands, while others were intelligible chatter among a clattanoia of cries. Then the group finally saw one, a Pokemon that inhabited the Brist Highlands. There was a little Cubchoo that stumbled out of a den that spotted the group.

"Alright now watch carefully before we act now everyone," Linus said.

"Huh, woah!" the Cubchoo cried as they realized their match up, and scampered away, back into their little den. Then the Rescue Team continued down a long winding pathway.

Jin grumbled to himself as they walked down the narrow wedge of the mountain. "That was underwhelming, you all said that we have to have the utmost care around these Pokemon?"

Linus laughed before rubbing the back of his head. "Sorry about that, how bout next time you make the first move Jin?"

"That sounds splendid!" the Zorua cheered.

Behind them, Nevada sighed. "It's our first time dealing with ferals inside an unbalanced Mystery Dungeon," the Charmander said. "We have to be aware of their new conditions, it's not a game."

"Let's see," Glade started pulling out the Team's adventure manual. "Well, ferals either hideaway more often or are extremely aggressive."

"What?" Jin questioned.

The Totodile closed the book and put it away. "Here's that encounter you wanted!"

On the other side of the room in front of the four travelers was a pair of Mankies and a Sentret. The fighting-types brushed some snow out of each other's fur. Not too long the normal-type noticed the Team and let out a loud warning cry. Suddenly both Mankey banged their chests and dashed towards the Zorua.

"I won't let you down, companions!" Jin used Bitter Malice on the bigger Mankey, as his large ghostly energy crashed into the Pokemon.

The Mankey stumbled backward and smirked before they Furiously Swiped at the Charmander in front of them.

Linus hit the other Mankey with Quick Attack, while Glade swung her palm out and knocked the back the Sentret with Brick Break.

The larger Mankey jumped forward and swept out a Low Kick at the Totodile to their side, and knocked her slightly off balance. The Sentret fired out a Swift at Linus, the white and yellow stars homing in on the Treecko and crashing into him.

Beside them, the smaller Mankey slapped Jin on the muzzle with their palm, the Assurance shoving the Zorua over. But before the Dungeon Pokemon could see his full form Linus and his Team knocked them each out.

After they scuffled with the three ferals Team Sharp Claw and their Zorua companion finally entered the room they were looking for.

"Oh, here the Warp Wands are!" Linus pointed at some pieces of wood in the middle of the floor. They were bundles of sticks with curved ends wrapped in a mesh blue bag. "These belong to Mareep."

"Alright! Let's find the stairs!" Nevada cheered.

Jin decided to take care and lead Team Sharp into another room where they found a set of twisting walkways. "I am afraid I am not sure which route to pick," the pale Zorua admitted.

"It's okay if it doesn't lead anywhere important, it just matters that you picked it," Glade said.

"Very well then," Jin then sniffed the ground for a moment before he lead the group into another walkway.

Linus smirked. Trying to steal my thunder eh Gator? He thought as the group wandered into another room. In this open stretch of mountain, Jin spotted the stairs.

Team Sharp Claw followed the Zorua up the steps and they finally found another one of their requests. 'Catch two Wicked Blow thieves and retrieve their stolen goods.'

In front of the entrance to the third floor, there were two Pokemon, a Blitzle and a fairy Ponyta. Team Sharp Claw stood in their tracks and checked over their request papers.

"Just fucking great," Glade mumbled, clenching her fists and trembling. "I just had to run into hostile electric-types again."

"Ah, you have an elemental weakness against them, but it should not be too troublesome with our companions," Jin said, as his ears folded down.

The Totodile took in a deep breath. "My family was targeted! You don't understand my hatred of our weakness, my weakness-"

"Calm down," Linus commanded. "Focus on what's important here."

As paper rustled Nevada growled, the flame on their tail brightening. "Those two are known criminals of Wicked Blow, besides stealing they are known for all types of killing; including young children and crushing eggs."

The Ponyta and Blitzle had black and white striped kerchiefs on their necks, with two black and white marks. Unmistakable signs of their allegiance to Wicked Blow.

The two gang members were holding some bags of treasure, their bodies partially hidden behind a wall.

"We have the upper claw, let's put offensive items to use," the Treecko rummaged through the bag. "Here Nevada," Linus handed the Charmander a Special Attack Band and a Violent Seed."

"Stand back," Nevada patted Jin as they placed the cloth over their head and swallowed the seed. "We can't have them see you."

The Zorua nodded and slunk to the ground. "Understood."

Without warning, Linus tossed an Energy Ball at the Blitzle while Nevada fired out a Flamethrower towards the Ponyta. The two Wicked Blow members looked up in realization as the moves hurdled in their direction, surprise and fear etched onto their faces.

After they sent the Wicked Blow members back to town with the power of their Rescue Team badges, the group made their way through the rest of the Dungeon floor. They kept the secured items in a separate compartment of their bag and eventually found the stairs to the next level.

Now on the third floor, Jin and Team Sharp Claw searched for a Cutiefly from town who got lost after being sent inside as a dare. They ran into more and more ferals, some fleed immediately, while others became aggressive. When the group made it to the fourth floor they were ambushed by some weak Wicked Blow grunts, ones who had participated in illegal trade and theft and thought they could just rob any explorer they came across.

Then they quickly found the stairs to the next floor. The group decided to rest at the entrance once they decided the coast was clear.

Team Sharp and Jin exited the room, they felt a sharp chill around the bend. Then they entered what appeared to be an oddly pitch-black room.

"What in the world is going on here?" the Totodile groaned. "This could be the room where the last item is and it's dark."

Nevada patted the sash on their shoulder. "Don't worry, I can use Heat Wave and warm this place up-"

"No, that could be a Blast Seed trap or something, we have to be careful," the Treecko stopped them.

"What should we do then?" Glade asked. "Mystery Dungeons aren't normally this dark!"

"Perhaps you could fashion up a torch so we can see what is directly ahead of us?" Jin suggested, rubbing his head against Nevada's side.

"Sure," the Charmander replied and took in a deep breath.

Linus took out a throwing stick and used it as a makeshift torch with Nevada's help. There was the sound of rocks crumbling as heavy materials or Pokemon shifted in the corners of the room.

Glade grabbed a few more branches out of the bag and held it close to the Charmander beside her. "Just in case ya know?" the Totodile reasoned.

"My companions, I need you to stay alert," the Zorua said once the group finally ventured further into the room. "I'm sensing two Keeper presences."

"You know what to do," the Treecko quickened his pace.

"Got it," Nevada moved in tandem with their teammates to shield the ward. "We're not clear yet."

In the near absolute darkness a giant shard of ice barreled straight at Linus, Nevada jumped forward and blocked it with Metal Claw. It shattered instantly. Two shards then aimed at the Charmander and Glade broke each of them.

"Wow!" A voice called out as the dashing of footsteps and flapping of wings filled the room. "Bravo little Sentinels!"

Shoot, how did they know we were here?! Linus's thoughts spun around in his head as he tried to make sense of the situation.

"There is a Keeper among these Pokemon!" an icy voice of the foreigners called out.

"I am truly sorry my companions, I do not know how to turn my mana presence any lower! I am not aware of one either!" Jin yelped.

"This ain't your fight," the Treecko clenched his fist. "Whoever these fellas are, we'll deal with it!"

The icy voice called out again. "We know you are from the Bristberg Mana Research League, but do not worry, we have worked with one of your Rescue Teams before!"

"That's why we're here!" the more gruff voice yelled. "You will engage in combat with us and we will see who is the strongest!"

"What?" Team Sharp Claw asked.

Before the four knew it, a large green plant flew toward Glade. Linus pressed an Energy Ball against the stalk and knocked it down, just for it to swing back. When it hit him, it was enough to force him to knock his body away instantly.

"Linus!" the Zorua between the Team cried out, as he watched him faint. The Treecko was tossed aside, and left the torch behind.

Nevada and Glade changed positions, and lit up another torch as soon as their teammate went down. "Stay back! Just who are you!?" the two yelled as a figure got closer.

"Why should I tell ya?" one of the voices replied. "That'll ruin the surprise! We slipped away from our Boss to see you guys after all!"

Dumbfounded the League Members felt their jaws go slack. "We don't have time to play these games! Tell us right now!"

"This isn't a game to us," the other voice said. "After all, we captured four members of Wicked Blow just to ensure they would not get in our way for this very moment."

On the wall near the entrance, Linus finally opened his eyes, one of the Reviver Seeds in his stomach pouch emitted a light green smog. His teammates and his client were standing in the dark talking to two mysterious Pokemon, ones who had taken on Wicked Blow just as they did.

"W-what in the voidlands is going on!?" the Treecko gasped as he tried to recover from his injury. He got up on his feet and blasted out a Dragon Breath toward the enemies. "Glade!"

The Totodile grabbed a Defense Scarf and chucked it at Linus. "Alright!" she yelled, and rushed forward. "We'll engage the enemy!"

Even in the darkness of the room, Linus's attack made its mark, the blue draconic mist crashed into one of the Pokemon. The light from the Dragon Breath revealed the silhouette of both of the figures for a moment, one small bird and one tall bird.

There was another flapping of wings before there was a loud thunk. Small green and yellow lights began to illuminate different pockets of the cave in small sections as another chill blasted through the area. The two enemies appeared to be a fighting Farfetch'd and an Eiscue, both with grey markings on the feathers of their head and upper body.

"Very well, let us begin," the Eiscue said as she recovered from Linus's Dragon Breath, the light showed her as she stood back.

"It is not right to fight an opponent and not know their name, you know," Jin spoke up.

The Farfetch'd slammed the base of his stalk against the floor. "'Cha right about that!" he shook his head, the odd grey feathers on it bounced in the wind.

"That doesn't matter! Watch out!" Nevada stopped their partner before the enemy Pokemon waved around his weapon.

In the Charmander's firm grip Glade sighed. "Very well then. We are Team Sharp Claw of the Bristberg Mana Research League, Linus, Nevada, and Glade are our names."

"The name's Kenji," the Farfetch'd chirped. Before he lifted the huge leak he was dragging along the floor. The Farfetch'd wore a plaid scarf around his neck, the colors were green, black, and gold.

"Plaid scarves? Three colors! League-Bound?" Nevada gasped. "You guys are affiliated with a certain group?!"

Glade crossed her arms. "Who wears those?"

"Answer our questions damnit! What organization do you work for?" Linus demanded as he steadied himself from the attack.

"I'm Kenji, I roll with the Black Clover Mercs!" the Farfetch'd explained before he rushed forward.

"And I am Algoa," the Esicue shouted from across the room. "Also of the Black Clover Mercenary Group."

"These Pokemon work with some of the fellows you would have hired?" Jin questioned.

Linus shrugged his shoulders. "I can't believe it, these guys that are attacking us are Keeper mercenaries!"

"If you are not our enemies and we are not trespassing on your land why do you wish to cause a commotion with a battle?" the Zorua asked the other Keepers.

The Eiscue was the first to speak. "To test out one of my hypotheses from another encounter we had."

"I wanted to see if the rumors were true," the Farfetch'd pointed his huge stalk at the three.

"W-what rumors?" the League members asked.

Kenji laughed, and thrusted his blade at the cloaked figure in between the Charmander and the Totodile. "That the Bristberg League is hardcore!"

Jin panicked as he saw the hefty shalk aimed straight at his head before Nevada placed their body in between it.

"Leave him out of it!" Linus shouted as he scampered upright and crashed into the Farfetch'd.

"Oh, I see," Kenji found himself crushed against the floor for a moment before he shoved the Treecko away. "Let's go!"

"You wanna see if it's true huh!?" Glade blocked his next attack and stood beside Jin.

The Zorua curled into a ball underneath his cloak.

A long kunai-shaped-blade of ice immediately struck the Totodile in the chest.

"Are you sure about that?" Algoa said before another Icicle Spear stabbed her foe in the shoulder.

When the last blade pierced her scales Glade cried out. She fell to the floor, clutching at her wounds to remove the strangely sharp ice. "Why don't you come over here and fight me face to face?"

"As you will," the Eiscue answered, beginning to waddle forward at the group. "I do warn you, I was trying to make this a fair fight, and only use my ranged attack."

"Well, I don't care!" Linus tossed an Energy Ball at the Pokemon. "You two need to get out of our way, we League members have important business to deal with!"

The Totodile shot out a Water Gun where she believed her target to be, a squawk indicating her success.

"What is going on?" the questioned Treecko as the lights danced and looked to his left and right.

The Farfetch'd then aimed his stalk at the Charmander and did a broad swipe, "Just a friendly competition!"

This attack slammed directly into Nevada and sent them into the air for a moment. When the Charmander collided with the ground they only barely managed to roll to the side to dodge the Farfetch'd's Night Slash.

"Why are you doing this in the middle of a Mystery Dungeon!?" Linus struck Kenji with a Quick Attack and darted back near Jin.

The Farfetch'd dusted his feathers off and swung his stalk in a circle."We Black Clovers are having a friendly little test of strength!" he shouted.

Linus dodged the attack while Nevada launched out a Flamethrower and neutralized it, partially leaving Kenji wide open. The Treecko used this moment to fire out a Dragon Breath at the Farfetch'd. "That doesn't answer my question ya bloodthirsty freak!"

The blue flames were once again partially blocked by Kenji's stalk, some of the draconic energy scorching his feathers. He swung his blade again cackling all the while. "Oh come on now, it's just a competition!" the Farfetch'd laughed. "Just like going out to the batting cage and doing the 1000 pitches of death!"

"What are you babbling on about! You can't call this a competition!"

"But we heard you League folk were tough as nails!" Kenji thrust his blade at the Charmander with Night Slash but missed. "Ain't it true!?"

"Who said that we were?" Nevada questioned as they charged up their Solar Beam, a spiral of green energy forming on their belly.

"That's right!" the Farfetch'd yelled as Linus moved towards his teammate. "Give me more! More!"

Meanwhile, the Eiscue slid towards Glade on a ramp of ice and water, crashing into her with a mighty Headbutt.

The Totodile shot back a Water Gun before Algoa summoned a vertex of water and Dove into the earth.

"I needed to test your merit as well," the Eiscue declared as she flew into the air at Glade once she reemerged from the rapid current. "If we clash five hundred times, who will be the victor!?" Algoa yelled, her attack sent the Totodile backward into the air.

Which left the Zorua exposed.

"Don't you dare fucking touch him!" Standing back up Glade lunged forward and struck the ice-type with Brick Break. "It's me you want, not him!"

The Eiscue stood unmoving as her ice face slid clean in half. "I understand, he's not with you," she said. She smirked before stepping away. "He flies the flag of those Pokemon."

"What could you know?" the Totodile snarled, standing in front of the scared Zorua, who still trembled under his hood.

With her true face revealed the Eiscue created her Icicle Spears. Algoa then quickly rushed forward, pelting the Totodile with numerous ice blades. "Are you surprised?"

Glade coughed as the powerful attacks all landed. "How are you so strong?" she mumbled, staggering upright and closing her eyes. Then the Totodile ran forward, jumping towards the Eiscue and Crunching on her flipper.

Unamused, Algoa looked down as rocks formed around her upper body. "Months of training and dedication, that is all," the Eiscue answered before she managed to land a Head Smash on Glade. The extremely powerful attack threw the Totodile right into Linus.

The Treecko caught his fainted teammate and crashed onto the floor due to her momentum. He watched in horror as the moments passed, his opponent rummaging through the pouch on her side.

The Eiscue took out a small yellow seed and tossed it at the Totodile. It revived her on contact. Algoa slid across the mountainside and stood in front of them. Now all three were right by Kenji and Nevada.

"Stand up and fight," the Eiscue demanded, pointing an Icicle Spear at Linus and Glade.

"What?" the Treecko furrowed his brow.

Algoa stared down at the two Pokemon and sighed. "I request that you get up and strike me with your full power. Only then will I feel satisfied."

"Why are you toying with us like this?"

"That was not my intention." The Eiscue, dropped her spear and folded her flippers. "We are challenging you because we've worked with your League before."

"Don't you have better things to do?"

"I revived you to continue the test, nothing more, nothing less. I hope you understand it's no hard feelings."

Just as this happened Nevada took a nasty Aerial Ace to the face. "Don't make me burn you." They staggered back to their feet, wiping blood from their nose.

"You're a Charmander, of course I want to see that!" Kenji shouted as he sped up his attacks. "Ever since I saw you on T.V I knew I had to feel how strong you were in real combat!"

"What does that even mean!?" Nevada's tail flame began to flare out as they countered the mercenary with Solar Beam. "Q-quit it!" The Charmander demanded as Kenji slid back from the powerful blow. "Cut it out!"

"You don't understand!" the Farfetch'd cackled, coughing and using his leek to stand up. "We have to clash, I have to fight you guys!"

"I said we ain't got time for this!" Linus got up and chased Algoa.

"Oh so iconic, the Treecko is so no-nonsense!" the Eiscue squawked. "So incredible! It's just like the first Gym Challenge I saw!"

"What are you going on about!?" Glade growled trying and failing to push back against the ice-type.

"This is the only logical conclusion, Team Sharp Claw!" Algoa said, stepping back and forming more Icicle Spears.

Kenji brandished his stalk. "Bend to our will or accept your fate!"

"That ain't gonna happen ya idiots!" a voice echoed throughout the room just before there was a bellowing of wind and gust that filled the area.

There was a rumbling that shook the entire cavern floor, startling all six of the Pokemon. When it finished there was a tall black and white Pokemon that crashed into Kenji and Algoa. Team Sharp Claw and Jin took this moment to run back towards the nearest exit. "Hey League kiddos don't leave just yet," the Pokemon the mercs laid beside called out. "I've got a message for ya's."

Clouds flew sporadically in the air but the figure spoke up again. "As you can see I'm here to pick up these two knuckleheads!" she started. "I'd let them continue their practice but we Black Clovers got some real shit to deal with in Tapu Plains!"

Dark plumes of dust and debris that swirled around the mercenary duo parted and allowed the Rescue Team to see who this Pokemon was. She was an Obstagoon, one wearing a cape and backpack, holding some sort of orb. "We're going against some Bounty Hunters working with Wicked Blow this time!" The Obstagoon's large plaid cape blew in the new sudden breeze of frigid air. This fabric had the same colors and pattern as the scarves the Eiscue and the Farfetch'd below her wore.

The blinding wind died down and all was calm for a moment, then the mercenary boss crushed an Escape Orb between her paws, the black orb had a glowing blue center. "See y'all later, and watch yourselves League children!" Soon the three of them disappeared in a flash of light, leaving the Mystery Dungeon and their new rivals behind.

"Well that was certainly a sight to behold," Jin said as he and Team Sharp Claw hiked around the other paths of the mountain in their desperate search for the stairs. They scoured the floor non-stop for about half an hour, the looping maze of rooms blending together in the worn-down minds of the Rescue Team members.

All the while the Zorua tried to keep his head up the best he could. "N-now that we have finished the requests from towns Pokemon-" Jin paused to catch his breath. "What are we to partake in next?"

"We're gonna get out of here," Nevada sighed. "Well if we can just find those darn stairs."

Glade clicked her teeth as they found themselves at another dead end. "Don't worry pal. We are going to restore the balance of pressure inside this Mystery Dungeon for Keepers like you and all the ferals living here," the Totodile replied before she heard something fall onto the floor.

The Zorua had fainted.

"Jin!" Linus screamed involuntarily when he saw the younger Pokemon crash down in exhaustion. "No! Stay with me!"

The Charmander beside the Treecko grabbed his shoulder and held their claw out. "Deep breaths Linus, Jin is going to be okay."

"But I thought everything was okay and didn't check on him enough! I failed in my duty!"

Glade dropped the team bag and started digging through its depths for an Apple through all their other items. "No, you didn't. He probably just needs some food and more rest, for right now what we have in the bag should do just fine."

The Treecko couldn't stop the tears from running down his face. "But how could I have been so careless again!? I forgot that he's a Keeper, his body is more delicate than ours! I should have been paying attention to all the signs! She would be so disappointed in me!"

The Zorua was tired, his trot had him lagging behind the slow pace of his friends. As much as he tried to downplay it or skirt around the issue Jin could not handle the Mystery Dungeon's drain on his stamina, with his hunger setting in and the discomfort he faced from the mana pressure. He had silently growled in exasperation whenever the group had to fight off ferals and panted nonstop after their second encounter with Wicked Blow, on the fifth floor.

Slowly the ghostly Zorua came to, stirring as he opened his eyes and crawled off the floor. "Hello my companions," he softly smiled before coughing a bit. "If I may, why are you all so gloomy and dreary upon my awakening?"

"Oh, Mew, I'm so sorry Jin," Linus embraced him with a sniffle, before pulling up his jacket. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry as well," Nevada nervously held onto their tail. "I didn't think this could happen but I was so narrow-minded."

Glade picked up the Zorua and sighed, nuzzling her snout into his head. "To make up for having you faint on your first dungeon run I'll carry you the rest of the way!"

"That is fine with me my friend!" Jin happily yapped, his tail wagging.

Team Sharp Claw finally made their way to the stairs and entered the last and final floor. Upon making it up the steps the group continued onward. They entered a long empty hallway and started to race towards the other side, which looked like a small room. The Totodile carrying Jin didn't slow down, however. She slipped and tumbled into what seemed like a wall adjacent to another walkway.

"Hey!" Linus called out. "Watch it, ya've got precious cargo aboard!"

Glade got up and stamped her foot. "Sorry, I just swore there was something there."

"Maybe there is," the Charmander behind them said as they stared at the wall, a strange dent forming in the mountainside.

Suddenly the slab of rock disappeared and revealed a dimly lit passage. There was light peering from the ceiling, which stretched high into the sky."This must be what Coordinator Cooper was mentionin'," Linus said as he headed deeper into the tunnel with his friends.

At the very end of the walkway was a large stone pavilion in the room with a large circular object in the middle. Four torches of golden light illuminated the pedestal where the wheel rested. The large stone steering wheel had eight handles, each with a dimmed gem inside and a faint glow emitting from the barrel, where the spokes sat through.

"Alright let's turn this wheel and fix the pressure!" Glade placed her claws on the device and a ray of energy from the barrel bounced a light around the room.

Linus and Nevada also placed their claws on the wheel and helped her turn the stone clockwise. The light grew brighter and brighter as each handle moved around the room.

Once the wheel could go no further all the gems on the handles began to twinkle as chimes and a bell played from behind the wall. Team Sharp Claw restored the balance of pressure inside Brist Highland Mystery Dungeon.
 
Chapter 12- Sparks of the Forge Part 1

Kiba Makuro

Bug Catcher
Pronouns
He/Him, They/Them
Originally Posted June 22th 2022

Chapter Summary

Someone is being summoned to the world of Mysterious Dungeons.

For what purpose? Who awaits their presence?

Why were they chosen?


Third Person POV




Back off the Grass-Continent in the Terrestrial Hemisphere, the Sentinels Union Leaders were hard at work. Trying to facilitate Pokemon Resources to aid in the Rehabilitation, or the Disruption Recovery project.


"It is time again," Cresselia spoke up.


"Really now?" Darkrai asked, and wavered into the room.


"The Mjolnir has been separated for quite a while now," Cresselia explained. “The Dawn Stone has been together for about a week, and it has only been one week since the foolish decree of that so-called Committee of Keepers.”


"Trying to hide away the chessboard after disposal of some pieces huh, Queen and Rook? The rest too, the five of those lot know there are plenty of younger Pokemon who researched these war campaigns in and out, don't they?" Darkrai questioned. "Actually, isn't the group named the League Committee?"


"I don't care," Cresselia barked, their eyes narrowed. "Those fools made them interchangeable at this point."


Darkrai rubbed their chin in thought. "When will our Sentinels tell their fellow justice striving Keepers, the ones in competent Leagues at least, to get their act together and stop them? Our dear Lady!"


"I'm not entirely sure, I know Lord Mew and the Shamins are currently indifferent."


"Can't they hear all these prayers just like the rest of us?"


"Well, Lady Mewtwo, Lady Lugia, Zeraora, and Zarude to name a few on the Constellation Continent seem to care about the whereabouts and deeds of the powers at bay," the Cresselia sighed.


"Ah yes, Wicked Blow's Gardevior, and Honchkrow… Those faux heads are not unlike an unruly Hydreigon," Darkrai grumbled. "Hidden beneath the draconic shadows of the night."


Their sibling gave them a concerned look before gesturing towards the Mist Continent on the map.


"Ah wait, the Voice of Hope…" the Darkrai fumbled. "I need new metaphors."


Cresselia stamped their wings against a table. "Ones under our oath should strike them all down when they have the chance."


"Back to the Mjolnir… I feel we need a more pretentious name for their satellite pair. Nevertheless, there are Fangs of the Fallen in Bristberg and other Sentinels that are destined to assist in the balance as well," Darkrai picked up one of the sheets from the stack. "Everything according to her will… in due time."


"Yes, Our Lady in Galaxies above, Arceus. Her will shall steer their paths. They don't need our guidance," Cresselia waved one of their big arms. "Those Pokemon will be right where they belong."


"Understood," Darkrai phased back into the next room. "Make sure those under us get information flowing to our new Keepers, little breadcrumbs of inspiration."


"The "Master" shall do our will, with whatever method seems fit," Cresselia chuckled softly. "They know not to cross certain boundaries of ours, they aren't rash."






A few hours later, somewhere deep in the human world, in the Unova Region, someone would gain hope. Someone in dire need of a change of pace could have a push in the right direction. All they needed was to go somewhere, a place where they had a purpose. They just didn’t know it yet.

Down by the Ocean, and the bay, in a densely populated woodland. In this massive reach of the forest, there is a wonderful nature trail with a view of a mighty river. The closest major city to the town was Virbank, in the Southwest of Unova. This city was home to the loud and chaotic Virbank Gym.


People would travel hours from the reaches of the city to get away from the cloudy and smoky atmosphere. Others lived in neighborhoods close to these woods. One of these people needed a spark of change in their life.


At the top of a hill, there was a rustic old stone platform where a person was standing alone. The person was a built young adult with reddish tan skin and jet black hair. It was a chilly day, so the person was sporting a dark grey jacket with bright yellow stripes. They had on light grey shorts, and black calf-length socks, with grey-yellow shoes.


This person gazed absent-mindedly at the landscape and sighed. "I miss Bel," they lamented.


There was another pavilion in view at the platform. One with a small number of people standing around inside, surrounding a large bulletin board. "Interesting," the person said as they stretched. "Might as well check it out."





Then they carefully climbed down from the platform and made it back into the forest. The person followed the little markers along the grass and made it back towards a trail with a diverging pathway. "I miss the others too," they murmured to themself, pushing away a stray tree limb. "What am I gonna do?"


Nothing was hiding in the bushes or underneath any rocks. Surprise encounters just couldn't happen, not Pokemon ones anyway. There were no wild Pokemon that lived in this area as they didn't favor an odd pressure that occasionally washed over the land.


The sound of a weather bell echoed throughout the forest and surrounding trail, signaling the approach of foul weather.


"That Skitty," the person gripped at their shirt sleeve. "I want to search for him. I will go out to the nearby Route and out of town by myself to do that. No matter how long it takes, I will find him."


Soon the person placed a hand on their forehead. The inside of their head throbbed with fury. "The others too, those three need me just as much. I won't ever forget the times we had."


They stamped the first step of the stairs. "But I can't, I'm no longer a Pokemon Trainer."


If only Professor Juniper gave me a starter Pokemon on that day, maybe my life would be different. The young person thought as they saw some other adolescents and adults standing around the pavilion, various types of Pokeballs readied on their bodies.


As the person neared the top of the steps the bulletin board became closer and closer. Maybe I have a chance that she'll let me borrow one to go look for the rest of my Pokemon? They pondered, reaching the flat top. “Get it together Rosario!”


"I could find them and try again," Rosario whispered, walking past some other people. "I can go at it again! I'll surely get further in the gym challenge!"


Once in front of the sign, they leaned down to read the fine print. “Wait, they’re having a contest here? It is one specifically for Trainers who have less than five badges?” Rosario took a step back, and quickly glanced at the other people there.


Some of them, ones with higher-level Pokemon and Pokeballs scoffed and laughed at the sign, clearly, they were over-qualified and thus unable to compete. "I guess the rookies need a little motivation huh?" one teen noted with a sigh. "Sounds kinda boring but eh, whatever."



“The top ten trainers will win a trip to Sinnoh along with a 100,000 poke prize?!” the downtrodden person gasped, and ran down the steps.


Next to Rosario, a slightly younger teen waved. "I'm wishing good luck to everyone competing!" the girl called out once she had their attention.





"Oh uh, thanks," Rosario shivered.


"Heh, but remember you've gotta get past me!" the girl grinned at them, before walking away.

The group's footfalls pounded down the rest of the trail path as the weather bell continued to toll. “It’s not completely over yet!" Rosario mused to themself as they hurried. "There’s one option I haven’t looked into yet!”





Other people quickly traveled down back towards shelter as the wind picked up. "We've all got to get out of here!" one Trainer panicked.





"It's gonna freaking pour dude!" Another one yelled.





A flurry of Trainers dashed past the group. "We can't get our hair and new clothes wet!”



Rosario sighed in anticipation and took out the Pokedex in their pocket. It was slightly dusty but it would get the job done. "Hello?" Their voice rang out, a twinge of hesitation in it. No response but the sound of a dull drone.





Every descending step Rosario took off the ground, the cold air circled the bend. "Please pick up Professor!" they pleaded, holding their silver Pokedex.


"Damnit!" Rosario flipped close their Pokedex. "Maybe the service is bad out here because of the weather!"


Before raindrops fell Rosario made it back to their home in the woodland. Inside the log cabin, they were able to catch their breath. No one would be coming home for several hours, no one else had a Pokedex with the Professor's contact info. Rosario thought as they traveled all the way to their bedroom.


Once they got into the room, their feet felt unusually warm. Rosario looked down and noticed a faint light coming from their ankles. "Huh, what's this?"


The light started to overtake different parts of their body, causing them to look around frantically. Soon Rosario threw off their jacket and took a glance under their shirt to find out that their skin had the source.


"What, why is this happening?" they asked. But the light continued to cover their entire body. "Okay, what in the world is going on?!"


Then as soon as the overwhelming shine became a ray that blinded Rosario something called out to them. A voice from all around their surroundings. "Do not be afraid, my child, we have found a purpose for you in another world," a mysterious force sparkled in the air, filling the silence. "The transformation will only take a minute, then you will end up where you need to be."


Rosario wanted to shake their head and cry out but they found out that their throat felt like it was clamped shut. What in the distortion world is going on? They started to think. My purpose or some nonsense, what type of role would I have somewhere else?! How could this happen to me! Why?! I need to be here! This can’t happen to me!


"You will make a promise to those in need, each time without fail you will keep it. I will check in with you later on my child," the foreign voice tried to make it clear before they tapered off.


Wait! Bel and the others need me! Rosario thought. I can't go! I have to save them! If I can't find those four Pokemon then… Then my life has no meaning! Please don't take me away from them again! I'm sorry! I'm sorry. The worried thoughts flooded their mind.





When the whole ordeal had come to an end all that remained was smoke. Rosario had been taken from this world and was whisked away into one they weren't quite familiar with.


All the while their Pokedex rang. The silhouette of Professor Juniper glowed bright on the screen.



 
Chapter 13- Sparks of the Forge Part 2

Kiba Makuro

Bug Catcher
Pronouns
He/Him, They/Them
Split (Unedited) April 28th, 2023

Rosario's POV





I can't believe it. My last chance. It was stripped away. I just could have become a Pokemon Trainer again. Shoot… man what am I saying. Did I even have a chance?


When I find however did this to me, I swear- Wait they said this is where I’m needed… I’m needed by someone, even if it isn’t those four… They’d want me to help them, no matter what.


Oh well, that's not important anymore. Just like… Wait what's going on? Something extreme is being barreled into me. Damn, it felt like a bolt of lightning struck me! This was unbearable!


Woah. Something strange ran haywire throughout my nerves. Now it's so sensitive and tingly. Agh! The pressure is gonna drive me to the brink of insanity! It’s too much!


What the Ultra Space is this? My limbs ached, feel tense, and were sore simultaneously. All the muscles and tendons in my body acted like they are being squeezed and compressed tight enough to shrink.


The pain came to a stop and my body relaxed during these moments of relief. But why did this happen? My nose feels strange as it takes in some smells and scents. It’s easy to tell I wasn't in my home anymore. For one, it’s not raining, and the air doesn’t hint that it has recently. I can’t smell rain. Nor the sea. Not anymore.


My whole body tensed as it was a locked spring. The skin on my face burned, then the sensation spread down to my chest, and soon all my torso ignited in irritation. It painfully pulsed its way through my shoulders. Then forearms, and hands. Finally, the bursts of agony traveled in my abdomen, it violently flared up down at my groin. Then settled down whilst the jolts maneuvered through my thighs and legs.


The pangs I had bravely endeavored ended. After it all, I felt soft and fluffy. Like my neighbor’s Pokemon. But why would my skin be covered in enough hair to be like fur? What is going on?


Hmm. I finally opened my eyes to see a strange smoke floating above me. Thankfully the thick fumes lifted with every passing moment. My surroundings were a forest. Like where I was earlier, how fitting. I was laying on my stomach, which felt different. Where am I?


In an area of dark orange earth. Underneath the shade of some strange trees. Once again I felt weird like my knees were hugging my chest. As if they were placed somewhere else. Strange. My heart rate soared. Keep it together Rosario, everything will be okay.


"Okay, I should probably get off the floor," I reminded myself out loud in a somewhat different voice, it was much deeper than normal. My mouth and nose felt strange and felt odd as if they were farther away than normal. I ran my tongue around my teeth. They are all thin. Like I had way fewer molars and smaller canines.


Eh, whatever. I probably just need to drink some water. I glanced down to see two vibrant, plush yellow objects in front of me. Are these pillows or something? To get off the ground and take a better look at them I moved my arms.


Kyurem's Gale? "These things are attached to me, what am I?!" All sorts of thoughts flashed into my mind when I stood up, then I felt a tang. It feels like my foot was standing on my back. Do I, do I have a tail? “What the?”


I looked down to see my foot, which is now a three-toed foot, no, a paw on top of a large rectangle of another limb. Is it coming from between my legs? "Oh," I gasp. "That's different," I placed my hands, no wait, my paws through my fur, and feel something very interesting. It wasn't my tail. I tried to reach further before I realized something else.


My tail, or whatever was much longer than this. I can't grab it from here. It was not in sight. I kinda wanted to know what it looked like, it wasn't all be a thick square. So I leaned back and got a glance at my whole body.


After I tried and failed to gain my balance I fell over onto my back. Two long yellow things with black tips loomed over into the top of my vision and so I looked down. They seemed familiar..."What am I?"


Yellow body, fur, new teeth, new knees, three-toes, rectangle tail thing, black-tipped things. "Wait, this is!"


“So I'm a freaking Pikachu in this world?" I sighed once I finally managed to pull my tail into view. A tail. Is in my hands. No, my paws. This tail was a Pikachu’s. My tail. I was a Pikachu.


“Why!? Am I a Pokemon!?" something on my face twitched. Whiskers? "Yep, I knew it. I’ve lost my mind," I groaned aloud, as I dropped my tail.


It swept across the grass and rose. “Wait a damn moment,” I reached around to grab my tail and study it. It was thin and firm. My paws traveled towards the base and then all the way to the top. It’s so cool! Anyway, this long jagged appendage didn't have the default shapes on the end.


It was a half-circle on one half with a flat slant on the other half. It wasn't completely heart or flat so I wasn't about to complain. Didn't know that was an option. Sweet.



"I hope Pokemon aren't gonna be annoying or whatever when I tell them I'm non-binary," I said, feeling my ears twitch. "These guys aren't too much like humans, are they?" I patted all across my body, ran my paws through every part.



I had an unfamiliar body with parts that'll take time to get used to. But they are ones I'm finally okay with. "Maybe I can feel the way I want and be treated how I want in this body," I might as well start walking if I want to be treated by anyone, no one was here.


My new front and rear legs, er, paws were hard to coordinate even when walking slowly, so I walked on my hind legs alone.



Augh, man, what a pain. I had a much smaller stride than what I’m used to, but I think I can end up with a faster gait if I tried four legs… Ugh, so difficult. Since there isn't anywhere else to go I decided to head further on this dirt pathway. "Oh?" I was surprised at my paw pads’ durability. It didn’t feel too strange when I touched the ground.



The rich chalky soil I walked through was soon replaced with thick grass. The blades became taller and taller until they appeared to be stalks of some sort, so naturally, I lifted my head. When I did so I was able to see where my journey was taking me.


"So this leads to a hilltop with a gentle slope, that lets me get a nice view of where I am," I marveled at the fantastic change in landscape. There was a large reach of stones and rises that stretch far into breathtaking massive sets of brownish-orange mountains. They weren't particularly tall but still amazing.


I stopped. There was something odd. Like a powerful force that pulled at my core.


It urged me to venture up into those low rocky hills. Something that tasted like tea from Kanto, had an odd feeling of melancholy. Wait, why did I taste it?


I really don't have many options to head towards, unfortunately. My tail flicked to the side when a strong breeze passed by, reminding me of my condition. My new condition was of a Pikachu.


"Since I transformed into a Pokemon, maybe a Trainer will find me. That sucks, I hope I… Don't end up with someone like me."


Fuck. Being a small little Pokemon is not gonna help me become a better Pokemon trainer… But maybe, just maybe it could help with something. "Maybe I don't need to hide behind the name Rosario… Maybe I can be Haru like how I am online… Eh, it needs more Pokemon ring to it… Haru… Voltaru! That can work." Eh maybe not.


Begrudgingly, I took a peek back at the sandy forest. It was full of thick endless trees, high dips, and drops. I can't find an easy way through that one.


This seemed like a fairly decent place to start looking for shelter, food, and or a friendly Pokemon. I began my search, heading deeper into the mountainside.


"This is the life those three must have had before me," I mused passing by the base of the mountain. "Bel was hatched in my home so he didn't."


I continued before I noticed a green feather on the ground. Unintentionally I found myself approaching it. My nose buried into the feather and a jolt course through my body.


A herbal scent washed inside my head. I needed to find the Pokemon! They could help me figure out where I am. But more importantly, I needed closure. Why am I here?


"Could it be?" I gasped. "Are they here too?"
 
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