The soft plodding of footprints in the earth below... whiskers prodding into earthen walls... the scent of grass wafting in from the passage to the left. These things guided the little blue lump of spikes attempting to press forward from the depths of her family’s burrow.
Judging from the fic banner, I assume this is Nidoran who will presumably be one of the main characters. But I also read the one line teaser in the glossary post so I am already aware of the ancient guardian she will unearth. I assume it will be Lugia, but I'm really not sure at this point.
Also, I've heard that after you use "..." the sentence (or continuation of such sentence) is supposed to have a capital letter for the word immediately after the "..." I used to do what I see you are doing here with it. Maybe it's ok to do? Seeing someone like you do it makes me wonder if maybe it IS ok. For example, they would say you forgot to capitalize the "W" in "whiskers". If that is a real error and it is one you prefer to fix, just let me know. Otherwise I will assume it is intentional and is not something you intend to fix.
"Oof!"
She stumbled and fell forward, stunned for a moment, but soon regained her bearings and got up. Flattening out her ears and shaking a few small spines loose, she continued on, grumbling softly about the dumb ledge that tripped her up.
Well, at least tripping doesn't have her fall too far since she is so tiny and walks on four legs!
I wonder if tripping is something that happens on a regular basis? If so, I wonder if the walls are covered in small spines from previous instances of her tripping.
Her annoyance was quickly subsided pushed out of her mind after she caught catching a whiff of dew from the end of the tunnel,. and More importantly, she spotted a faint light indicating marking the moon outside. She’d snuck out of bed to go stargazeing, and she sure wasn’t about going to just let the a walk outside stop get the better of her.
Editing suggestions to cut down on words and help it flow better. From now on, when I have suggestions, I'll include the following instead of words: 📝
I read over stuff in the glossary (just the paragraphs outside of the spoiler tags) and it sounds like you might not always look to improve chapters based on concrit, but with this being your first chapter, I assume you would want it as strong as possible, so I'll put in as much effort as I can. I expect that the opening of a fic (especially a mega-fic like this that you have spent so much time on) ought to be extremely important.
I wonder if part of the reason she tripped was because there wasn't much light for her to see? As it stands, I am left in the dark. (pun intended)
The small creature silently crept up the snug tunnel little-by-little.
Hmm. Why is she inching along? Is she afraid of tripping again? Is she trying to keep silent? Both?
Before long, she stepped out of its opening and onto a reed-woven mat outside that was dimly illuminated by the faint glow of moonlight. After a quick pause to stop and listen, she believed discovered her parents hadn’t heard her sneak out of bed or lose her footing. So far, so good…
📝
Four legs, two ears, and two protruding teeth at the end of her muzzle… No scratches or loose barbs from her clumsy trek up the tunnel that would give her away... From the light of the night sky above, she could verifiedy that her fur was still a light blue. Yep, she was had all the markings of a healthy, if still rather young, Nidoran.
📝
So, she inspected herself to make sure no one would suspect she snuck out. Seems like she has strict parents! Or it could just be for how young she was. I'm thinking
age is the main factor here.
Around her... there was the mailbox on a wooden post next to the burrow. Throughout the sparsely wooded hillside were a few mats with accompanying posts that were spread before trees and other burrows, while other mats served as beds for sleeping Pokémon.
📝
The distant crashing of waves could be heard, intertwined with faint hooting and the gentle rustling of tree branches swaying in the wind.
This bit was great! Makes me feel like I am out there with her.
Down the hill, nearer to the coast, a small town of shacks, tents, and the like had been erected.
But the attention of the little Nidoran was trained elsewhere that night.
She reared up on her hind legs and turned her gaze skyward. Somewhere in that beautiful, glittering mess—around the moon, between the stars, and the twists and bends of the Rainbow Road were the drifting ones—little stars that moved slowly and without tails. Her mother told her that some of the Pokémon in town called them the "Travelers" and that, through some contrivance, you could tell the time of night based off of where they were.
Wow! Sounds like you added in some actual astrology here! Neat!
But most importantly, she said, if you were up at just the right moment, you could see one, perhaps peeking out from behind the moon.
"Come on, where is it?"
She looked up at the moon... and then above it. Then below it. Then, to its left. To its right. Then back to its center, at the Nidoran in the moon staring down at the world again. But still, she couldn’t find her star.
"...Maybe I heard the story wrong?"
The Nidoran pouted a bit and punted a pebble that had found its way onto the mat. She was about to return to the burrow when the thought crossed her to check the shape of the moon. Perhaps her "Traveler" was still peeking from behind it.
She started from the top, and slowly followed its contour around from the left. It was the same old moon, giving off its same old white glow. The same old Nidoran on its face was still staring down quietly on the world below. Yep, it was the same moon she had seen many a night before.
Except for the ever-so-small bump on the right of it.
"Eh?"
The Nidoran tilted her ears and focused on the bump. It seemed like an rather insignificant speck, except slightly growing, stretching a bit from the moon's face. And suddenly, the speck broke free from the moon, and it all became clear to the little creature.
📝
Such a quiet and curious moment. Something that helps the world seem large and the one gazing seem small. This tiny little moment is that from which a fic of a grand epic scale will flow forth. I like the concept of stargazing. It's very hard to do properly with light pollution. I doubt our Nidoran has that problem here, though. Still, this focus on the sky has me wonder if this fic might have a sci-fi element to it with the exploration of other planets. Most likely not and that would probably be weird for a Pokemon setting, but it's neat to speculate about.
"Wow! They really do come—"
"Going somewhere?!" a deeper voice barked.
"Eeep-"
Ah, I bet one of her parents caught her. The fact that she was so careful suggests it isn't the
first time she tried to sneak out. And if her parents were aware of that, they might have been sneaking too which is why she didn't hear them!
Before the Nidoran could turn around, she found herself lifted from the ground by the scruff of her neck. As she flailed in protest, she was brought away from the night sky and back into the inky depths of the burrow. Her captor took her effortlessly back along the route she had so carefully traced out to the surface, and unceremoniously dumped her into a straw nest shared by a handful of her fellow blue and purple spike balls.
Ah, so she has siblings, it seems.
After the Nidoran’s captor released their grip on the back of her neck, she flattened her ears and shook off some saliva. The Nidoran whirled around, coming face to face with a Nidorina wearing a white scarf with a blue whirlpool design. The larger Poison-Type stared down at her, her muzzle hardened into an unimpressed frown.
"Really, Nida, just how deaf do you think I am?" the Nidorina whispered sternly.
Nida? A nice name for a little female Nidoran. Assuming it isn't just a general name of familiarity, that is.
"But, Mami-"
"Shh!"
The Nidorina gestured to the Nidoran's siblings, all of them in the embrace of sleep, if somewhat loosely. She flicked her ears and narrowed her eyes to continue her quiet admonishment.
"It's not healthy for a young kit like you to be up into the early morning! Rest will let you grow healthy and strong."
Seeing her interact with her mother is nostalgic and warm. I hope nothing bad is going to happen to her mother... 🥺
"But I was just headed out to see the Travelers-!" Nida protested.
"Is that why you forgot this on your way out?"
Her mother held up a small scarf bearing the same design as her own. Nida shrank a bit in embarrassment. After all, she'd been constantly lectured about the importance of wearing her scarf. It allowed any Pokémon to identify who you were and where you belonged… and she had forgotten it on her way out the burrow.
Huh, like a voluntary collar. Yet another example of proof that her mother cares.
"Er… oops?"
Her mother sighed, and placed the scarf back at the base of the nest alongside a small number of others before turning back to her child.
"Sleep is a blessing, mija. Having enough of it keeps you from making foolish missteps like that."
"But how am I supposed to sleep if you don't tell me a story?" the Nidoran demanded.
"Nida," said the Nidorina, her ears and countenance not-so-subtly hinting at a desire to return to her own nest.
"Well?" Nida persisted.
Nida has displayed being a curious mon with a loving mother who she craves to hear stories from. She is also a bit adventurous. I assume she will be a main character, but I worry she is too young for whatever might be in store for her. I assume whatever that would be would involve traveling.
I also imagine her to get homesick.
She is definitely going to get that story, though!
The Nidorina sized up her daughter, and the other siblings dozing around her, and after giving an irked sigh, decided that dealing with one small and rambunctious spike ball was enough at this hour.
"Fine. Which one do you want this time? The Nidoran in the Moon? The time I fought and beat the cheating Dragonite? Another Warriors of Light tale?"
Hmm I wonder which she will choose?
Nida perked up, buoyed by her small victory in staving off bedtime, and thought about just what she wanted to hear.
"I wanna hear the story about the humans, and why they don't live with Pokémon like us anymore," she replied.
Oh! What an intriguing bit of lore! So this is not in a Mystery Dungeon setting and is either in the far future or past when compared to cannon anime/game/manga? I am quite interested!
"Nida, haven't you heard that story from the Day Care enough times by now?" the Nidorina asked exasperatedly.
"It's different when you tell it."
This bit made me smile. I love the use of italics here too.
"I suppose I'll need to start from the beginning, then," the Nidorina sighed, as she drew her daughter's attention to a patch of dirt that she began to move a foreclaw over.
"A long, long time ago, longer than any Pokémon can remember, there lived a peculiar type of creature. One that had not been given strength in their bodies by the gods as we Pokémon have," the Nidorina said as she began to sketch some tall pylons in the dirt.
"In its place, the gods gave them the power to see and understand mysteries, questions, and enigmas... to think in ways completely different to how you or I would. To bring dreams to life, and to work wonders and impossibilities from the world around them, including from its Pokémon."
A description of humans from a Pokemon's perspective. This is surprisingly profound as it doesn't just describe the humans in the Pokemon world, but it kind of describes humans here in the real world as well. From a perspective of curiosity and wonder.
The pylons were then crossed, forming a scene of boxlike towers, each piling up against the other.
I like how she draws as she explains. Nice dynamic to include!
"The gods saw it fit to make them mediators of Pokémon. Pokémon would join them, compensating for their lack of strength. In return, they provided food, shelter, and companionship. Just as the gods tended to the world, so too did humans tend to the Pokémon among their midst."
"And they built cities of glass and metal, and rolling boxes that could cross islands in minutes, and planted fields that stretched across the horizon, and-" Nida began to recount.
"Hey now, who's telling the story here? You or me?" the Nidorina interjected while sketching a star in the corner of her picture.
I included a story time in a chapter in my fic too. It really is a nice sort of scene to have. This bit made me smile again.
"It was an order that brought out the best of both Pokémon and humans," she continued, "But for some, it simply wasn't enough."
The Nidorina moved on to crudely sketch some figures in the dirt. A few birds, others that looked vaguely like horses, and a few squiggly serpents.
"In their arrogance, some of the Pokémon that dwelt among the humans decided that the gods were superfluous, that they would know better how to manage our world. Thus they declared war on the gods to take their place. It was a pitiful chapter that would have surely been thwarted and forgotten… But everything changed when the Star of Destruction shone from above."
Huh... I wonder if those Pokemon were wild or those controlled by humans?
Star of Destruction, huh? That sounds super important. I imagine it has something to do with the final battle of the series.
Nida watched as her mother raked her claws over the scene, their impressions coming from the star in the corner and piercing through the towers and crude figures.
"The fiends had made a wicked construct that, upon shining its light, pierced the gods and slew them. Thunder, wind, rain, land, sea, earth… all gone. So the slaughter went up to the three attendants of Arceus."
It kind of sounds like a spaceship or something. Neat!
So... it destroyed the planet and some pokegods too? Three attendants... Dialga, Palkia, and Giratina?
"And then that's when everything went wrong?"
It was then that the Nidorina obliterated her painstakingly drawn scene with a barrage of poisonous spikes from her ruff, causing Nida to flinch for a moment.
"Well, what do you know of what happened, mija?"
"The seas rotted, destruction rained from the heavens, the land became dead and filled with ash and distortions hidden in fog... Like the Mystery Dungeon on the other side of the island. That's how the Wastes were formed," Nida dutifully recited.
OH so this is a Mystery Dungeon setting and in this setting there used to be humans! But the setting
still might be the future of the mainline series... 🤔
So anywhere outside of the islands are dead, filled with ash and distortions hidden in fog and those places are like Mystery Dungeons. Collectively the places outside the islands are referred to as "the Wastes". This is kind of giving me some Land Before Time vibes.
"Well, is that the end of it?"
"It isn't?" Nida asked, tilting her head.
"Silly kit, I would hope that our home isn't in such a sad state!"
"Oh! Ahehe, right," Nida replied as she turned her attention to a new patch of dirt where her mother began to draw a triangle, and then circle that surrounded it.
"From there, Arceus saw that there were still points of light in the darkness. Places where the blight the Star of Destruction had caused had not yet touched. But in order for life to remain at all in this world, these places would need to be kept separate and protected."
I'm really wondering if they are on an entirely different planet now... Really seems like it!
"And that's how our island was made?" Nida asked, as the Nidorina began to draw three circles around the points of the triangle.
"That's how all of the islands were made, mija. Bits and pieces of the old world that Arceus pried from its dying husk with his thousand arms and placed into this sea, the sea that we call the Cradle."
So the fic takes place on islands? This really reminds me of my own fic in this regard! 😮
I guess that means the islands are
not separate planets, then?
So being in the Cradle is where things are safe. Outside of that be nightmares. ☠️
Nida watched her mother add more and more circles onto the design in the dirt. It was apparently some manner of important symbol, but that was surely a story for another time. Even so… There was something that the little Nidoran couldn't help but wonder, something she hadn't thought of the other times she'd heard this tale.
Way to add some more intrigue about parts not explained as well as making me very curious what her question is!
"But wait, if humans acted as mediators for Pokémon… Who mediates for the Pokémon that came here?"
"At first, there was no one," the Nidorina replied, "And the Cradle was but a mass of feuding creatures of different kinds and different minds… Until our world's creator set down the Compact that governs our world to this day."
"A… Compact?" Nida yawned.
"The Pokémon that lived without humans, the 'ferals' as you've probably heard them called, were free to continue to live on as they did in the past. Growing, breeding, and dying with the course of nature without interference from outsiders. In exchange, they gave up the right to interfere in the lives of Pokémon like us. It is why the predators among the ferals do not dare to consider you or your brothers and sisters as meals… or at least not ones that don't have a death wish."
It seems like you step outside of cannon lore to explain the setting of Mystery Dungeon. Very interesting! Rather than roll with oddity, you seek to explain it. I do the same thing with my fic even if much of the absurdity must be taken at face value, initially.
Nida yawned again more audibly, which caused the Nidorina to shift and lick a paw before continuing on, keenly noticing that her child was at last beginning to grow drowsy.
"As for the humans that remained, the world was too fragile for them, and their role as mediators was given to others to carry out until the world was restored to the way it once was," the Nidorina continued as she watched Nida begin to progressively fidget less and less as sleep neared the Nidoran.
Ah, so the world is expected to be restored? I wonder how? Is it just a matter of letting nature do it's thing and maybe in 1,000 years or more it will be better or is there something specific that needs to happen for said restoration to take place? 🤔
"Others? What are you talking about?"
"Silly, it fell upon the Pokémon that lived among humans to take up their mantle. To become mediators among our different kinds.
So Pokemon who were
caught took up this role.
To aid them, they were given four gifts…
"The gift of writing, to allow them to preserve what knowledge of the humans had not been lost.
"The gift of gummis, to free them from the hunger forcing their ranks against each other.
"The gift of timekeeping through the spirits of the departed gods, who remained in the night skies as the Travelers who you and I can see today.
"And lastly, the gift of pacting, through which a Pokémon could make cause with another and join their ranks. To bury past fears and resentments together and live the same life. Friend, foe, feral, it matters not. As long as there is one to ask and there is one to respond."
I love how this explains how Mystery Dungeon is essentially the future of mainline Pokemon and how things changed! Also interesting how there
are apparently humans in the world.
It kind of functions well as a reminder or a guide for those who are unfamiliar with Mystery Dungeon or who may have forgotten things about it.
The Nidorina couldn't help but sigh contently as she watched her daughter start to settle into the straw of the nest along with her siblings. It had been a long tale, but her goal of putting the little scamp to sleep was almost realized.
"What about the Pokémon that went to war with the gods? What happened to them?" Nida asked, which elicited a pause from her mother before she responded to her daughter's question.
"The ones that did not die in the chaos they caused were allowed to come in by Arceus and our ancestors as a mercy. In return, they, and their children, would forever bear the mark of the star they created, so that no one would ever forget. They became the Pokémon that the others call the 'Marked'."
Interesting. So there is a way to identify them, but for what purpose, I wonder? 🤔
"Eh?!"
Nida immediately perked up to attention while her mother regretted bringing the topic up almost as quickly. The Nidoran tensed up, on guard from her mother's words, as they reminded her these surely ill-meaning Pokémon were still around.
"Shh… Shh... Don't dwell upon it too much, they're far from capable of mounting a war against much of anything these days,” her mother said. “And even if they somehow did, they would be hard pressed against the last thing that Arceus left."
"What's that?" the Nidoran asked, starting to settle down again.
"A hope. When the Cradle was made, new gods were created and left to sleep until they were needed. Why, even here, on tiny little Tromba Island, we have a protector sleeping somewhere hidden away.
So we get the name of the island: Tromba.
So the Guardian protects against plots by the Marked. This suggests the Marked are perhaps like one of the evil teams in the mainline Pokemon games (or perhaps simply is part of the past for this setting)
And as they all wake up, the world we live in will start to be restored to the way it used to be. And eventually, the humans too will come back."
Oh! So the main quest is to wake up the guardians and doing that will prevent the Marked from completing an evil plan. I'm guessing the Marked will be plotting and the heroes will be trying to wake up the guardians.
The end of the fic would be the guardians all being awake, the Marked being defeated, and the world going back to how it was or perhaps something beyond what it originally was? But leading to that will be all the events of the fic.
"Is that why those Pokémon… the Rescue Teams. Is that why they work so hard in that Mystery Dungeon?" Nida yawned.
"Well… It's a bit more mundane than that. Our island's protector is somewhere in there, but so are a lot of the things that our town uses to get by. And it's not a safe place, so there need to be Pokémon to help protect those that go in doing imprudent things… Like little kits going out without their scarves."
Nice way to build up and explain the role the dungeon has. I feel like a lot of Mystery Dungeon fics completely gloss over this.
"Mami, I get it," Nida groaned in annoyance, as her eyelids began to fall.
"But all in all, they're there to give help to Pokémon when they need it most."
"I wish that I could be a Pokémon like that…" said Nida, as her red eyes finally drooped shut and she drifted off to sleep.
Hush, little one. You will be in time. 😘
Author's Notes:
- Mami - Spanish: "mother", "mommy"
- mija - Spanish: "my daughter", used in a sense akin to "dearie" or "sweetie"
