Hi! Experimenting with my review format and I figured I'd go a bit old-school for this one. Apologies if it feels a bit more disorganized--I definitely went a bit more organic this time; feel free to let me know if you have any questions. I went ahead and read up through to the end of Part 1, since I felt like it'd be easier to give overarching thoughts with a better understanding of the long-term arc of your story. Also, full disclosure, haven't played or really interacted with any PMD Super so I'm semi-fandom blind (semi in the sense that I know what espurr and fennekin are; blind in the sense that I don't know why they're at school or what all the continents are doing); I tried to keep my questions on worldbuilding sort of tame with that in mind.
EDIT: me from the future sees that this is really really fucking Long, and I'm sorry. I had a lot of things to say because there were a lot of interesting things in this fic! I hope some of it is helpful.
the plot
"But if I'm here… doesn't that mean the world is about to be destroyed again?" she asked Tricky. "Which isn't a good thing? I don't see how that's awesome."
"Well…" Tricky's happy look faltered. "Maybe,- but still! This means we have to go on an adventure and get strong enough so we can defeat whatever's coming to destroy the world this time!"
^plot in a nutshell tbh. I like the setting for this since we get a lot of apocalyptic things but we're forced to look at them through children (and sometimes, incompetent adults!) It's a fun mix of "hey if the world ends we can be cool" and "oh shit, if the world ends, we're all screwed", woven in with some schoolyard drama and an isekai plot. For me there are
three two central threads here: Espurr integrating into her new life, and Tricky struggling with her past insecurities. There's also the Ampharos subplot but since the main characters didn't really care about it, that took a backburner emotionally for me, even though I imagine it's probably going to be super important later.
There's a lot of bigger hooks dangling in the air, like wtf Humans have done in this setting, who is turning everyone to stone, what all of the other guilds are going to do about it, etc, but for now this is a fun romp about bullying and how it's easy to shame and outcast people for events out of their control. I liked how you layered escalation here--first a small dungeon, and then progressively bigger ones, until we get to the final exam sequence.
In general I think the school setting was a really clever way to bring us into a broader world--we can literally be taught information. I got mad Harry Potter vibes from this, both in the sense that Tricky is basically tragic Hermione and Espurr is Harry with negative charisma, and in the sense that we get a lot of stealth exposition through classes/detentions and this very semi-competent bunch of teachers. It's a fun setup and in general the arc of the plot was simple but easy to follow, and a lot of fun to read through.
the characters
My favorite area of this fic tbh. I really like the cast of characters you've set up, and how a lot of them--especially the ones I didn't expect--feel very vivid and realistic.
"I've never had a student apologize to me before," he said. Espurr wasn't sure it was meant for her. "I-is that all you want?"
Like! This to me was a very crazy moment!! Up until this point Watchog is sort of treated as this fuddy-duddy, rules-oriented disciplinarian, which makes sense, since we only see him from Espurr and Tricky's perspectives. And I mean that's definitely not wrong; that's certainly who he is, but for a while I really couldn't wrap my head around why this guy is even a teacher, since he seems to hate teaching and his students with a fiery passion. And for the most part that disdain felt borderline cartoonish, since what we see on screen is pretty tame shenanigans and kind of what I'd think a middle school (?) teacher would know and be prepared for--but I liked this moment here since we get to see a bit of his own vulnerability, and he does open up to Espurr! I think your size of cast really helps in this situation too since he's the main teacher we see and I thought that his takes on teaching
literal children were very spicy, so it was great to see this exchange:
"It's Tricky's fault we're in this situation," Watchog grumbled back. "And you say she's not a troublemaker?"
"Tricky is a kid. They're all kids, Watchog!" Audino replied, having come to the absolute edge of her temper. "That's your problem- you can't seem to wrap it around your head that kids aren't invincible!"
Like!! Thank you Audino!! This arc gave me mad Hogwarts vibes (down to the detention in the spoopy forest), and when we got to the point where Watchog blatantly sends kids into a very blatant danger-hole and then
blames Tricky for running out on her own despite
knowing that she's already traumatized from literally watching her friend get murdered in a similar danger-hole, I really appreciated having a more-sane adult perspective to knock Watchog into shape.
And I think this brings us to the crux of the cast of characters: Tricky! All roads lead to her in this section.
"I can't believe you did that," she seethed. "Oh; wait. Yes I can. Because that's what you do. You lose pokemon. Just like you 'lost' Budew. You know that's why Mrs. Rosiela moved away, right?! Not because she couldn't handle winter; but because she couldn't handle winter without Budew! I am not letting you do the same thing to Goomy and Espurr. Find them. Now." Deerling stamped her hoof into the ground.
"Why would I be here again if I didn't care about Goomy?" Tricky hissed.
"Because you probably got into trouble out there, and you're trying to get out of it by rescuing him." Espurr folded her arms in finality. Surely that was true.
"Because she always does this! She tells the new pokemon to stay away from me, and everymon always listens to her! It's not fair!" Tricky yelled at the top of her lungs. Maybe she was blowing her breath in Espurr's face. She didn't really care.
Espurr thought on that a minute. Sure; Tricky was reckless beyond belief… but that didn't mean she had to be friendless.
Like, I mean, technically Espurr is the main character here but she's very passive and is mostly an audience-standin; the real arcs and dynamics of Part 1 all revolve around this little fennekin baby.
I like how you coax out different angles of picking on people instead of just letting them be cartoon bullies: Pancham just thinks he's cool; Shelmet doesn't want to be a target; Deerling thinks she's helping people. I mean, sure, they do lock Tricky in a booby-trapped building and then throw rocks at her, but given that they're pokemon and are actively going to magic attack school, this does seem somewhat grounded. And they're kids! Kids can be very cruel, and I like how you go into this unflinchingly.
I did find the complete through-line of Part 1 a little weird--at the end of the mine-clearing, Espurr seems super on-board with Tricky and her antics. And it's not like Espurr was forcibly dragged into the dungeon, and she definitely did her own share of reckless things (like going back for the book and trying to run them past Gabite). So for Espurr to turn around and be like "oh, no, it's
Tricky who caused all of this"--I see how she could think that, being a kid and not wanting to take blame, but it did ring really hollow and catty for her to turn her back like that. This makes the emotional ending of that arc, where Espurr realizes that Tricky still
deserves to have friends despite doing basically what Espurr does, feel weird as well--since honestly everyone in this village is complicit in bullying this child and no one has given her a fair chance. The narrative feels very blind to Espurr's mistakes, and I found myself wishing that there was more focus on Espurr realizing her own faults/contributions to this, instead of just deciding to acknowledge only Tricky's. I would've liked a bit more growth/understanding from Espurr here, who comparatively feels like a blank slate compared to her partner.
The side characters doing their own little plot on a non-
Mean Girls plane of existence are also hilarious tbh. Ampharos with his dashing cloak, Mawile with her Quirrell head--tons of fun. I hope they survive lol.
Overall this is a lot of fun and your cast really flourishes! PMD/school is a really interesting mashup since you can go into a ton of angles, and there's a lot of implicit fridge horror on how kids might grow up in a world where their friends can be murdered in front of them--definitely not what I expected going in, but I liked the close study on how this would craft a loner, and it lends a lot of credibility to why the partner pokemon is so desperate for the human to be their friend.
the structure
Multi-POV stories! Always fun, always with their own set of challenges. On the broad strokes I really like what you did here--I get the feeling that if this was just Espurr or just Tricky's POV, the story would have to be told a lot differently, and a lot of character revelations would end up getting moved around into less-impactful ways (I'm mostly thinking Tricky's backstory, but the flex POV also lets you do fun stuff with Ampharos and Mawile).
The POV switching can be a bit aggressive, though. I think for me they stood out the most when we'd switch POV's to a different character but then still have the narration dwell on things that they shouldn't know--for instance, this chunk below is labelled Espurr, but it's not really told in her head, and by the end, it's 100% Audino's POV:
And with that, Espurr suddenly was out the door so fast Audino couldn't help but wonder if Tricky had been a bad influence on her.
And at this point I have to question if it's even worth having the scene break/POV change at all, since it ends up becoming an amorphous/omniscient third person narration anyway--more of a "this scene contains Espurr" rather than "this scene is specifically told through Espurr's eyes".
There are a couple of other times where I think the scene breaks are a bit gratuitous--for example, the goomy scenes at the end of the test don't really build tension for me; they just re-established that Goomy is nervous and doesn't want to be killed to death, which I sort of got the first time around? In a way it almost undercut the tension, since every time we cut back to him he's fine--ironically, not-seeing him would've made me more nervous, because maybe then he got eaten or winded out of the dungeon.
For earlier chapters, where there isn't really a converging/central thread that makes it "this chapter is about X", the switching also makes the chapter feel very disjointed. I think the big culprit for this was Chapter 2, mostly because it's roughly twice as long as your other chapters (wordwise) and covers so many topics (plotwise)--we get Ampharos's (dazzling) debut, Espurr's first day of school, some interesting flavor text about Humans!, Tricky sad backstory hints, detention, Mawile and Archen debut, the kids meet Ampharos and Ampharos drops a plot hook, Espurr and Tricky get plot hooked, we meet Dad Carracosta, scarves mean friendship (with some bonus Tricky backstory foreshadowing), Mawile and Archen get attacked, and then a wrap-up in the infirmary. That's! A lot. I remember getting to the end of this chapter, seeing that the next chapter was 3, and scrolling up because I couldn't believe this was all one thing.
And I actually don't think that wanting to cover a lot of ground, even with a lot of perspectives, is necessarily a bad thing--one example of a format that really does this well is
of course in
Avatar: The Last Airbender's, in particular the episode "
The Storm", which has a similarly ambitious goal of trying to cover a lot of things in a very small time period, with the story alternating between snips of both subplots. We end up getting v very tragic and very heavy backstories for both our antagonist and our protagonist, at the roughly the same time, and tbh the format on paper seems really stupid since it's literally just two characters turning to people around them and explaining what happened! But for me ATLA succeeds here because the two plots are actually intricately related on a thematic level, even though the events themselves are very different--there's a central theme of both characters running from their duty, only to be punished for it hard. By the end of the episode it makes sense why the story was chosen to be told in this exact way, pairing both characters against one another, because thematically we're basically watching the same thing unfold; the only difference is who both characters choose to become after this event.
I found myself wishing for a similar grounding theme here--where ATLA's episode feels more like a braid, where two individual stories become twined together and we can better appreciate both as a result, ch2 (and a few of the other POV swaps) just feel like many separate strands that don't really contribute much on an emotional level. In addition to being about characters that don't have any bearing to our main duo, doing things that don't have any impact (yet) on our main duo, in a place that's very far away from our current setting, the themes here are very different--Tricky and Espurr are learning about school bullying and tentative friendship; Mawile and Archen are watching a very ominous eradication of their global norms. I appreciated why these were here in terms of what I know you wanted to build with the grander fic, and looking back on the intro chapters as a whole I understand why you wanted to start introducing some early darkness in Part 1, but in the moment these chapters feel very confused, and as a result, oversized, because of the seemingly-needless POV swaps.
the worldbuilding
"All dungeons have those," Tricky said dismissively, once Espurr had asked. "Dunno why; don't really care." she shrugged, glancing around the cavern.
I think (?) in Discord you've mentioned that there's actually a really Important reason for this, so I trust you haha.
Having Espurr as a viewpoint character is clever here, since it means we get to have
someone ask all the questions I have about these distortions and their perfectly-shaped stairs, and like, why are they here? In particular the exam scene where Espurr has to answer a lot of questions about history was a great "haha! I'm secretly being exposited to but it feels natural!" moment. There's a lot of info buried in those exam answers for little fandom-blind me--does the word "colonized" imply that there were other civilizations there first? The origin of HAPPI seems super ominous, especially in the light of Espurr's thought process that the exact opposite of what HAPPI did was "let people explore where they want to".
Nectar Meadows was a Class A Mystery Dungeon, which meant that pokemon which became stranded or lived in it didn't turn into rabid monsters like Gabite. Class A dungeons were usually the homes of pokemon who didn't feel at home living in civilizations such as Serenity Village. However, Nectar Meadows was the home of a beedrill colony that had a reputation for being quite vicious in the nectar-gathering stage of the year, which was… just around summertime.
This passage was interesting to me as well, since it sort of digs into the "what exactly are ferals??" question. Here it seems like ferals are regular pokemon that got driven mad by the Mystery Dungeon, which is a super interesting concept! What do you do with creatures that used to be people? Can you just put them down? Surely it'd be an important societal priority to make sure that this happens to as few people as possible, and maybe a lot of investigation into a cure of some sorts--to me this almost feels like a zombie apocalypse premise, where there's a constant threat of you and your loved ones turning mindless. And it's particularly interesting to look at a society that's evolved with this in the background (compared to zombie apocalypse, where the zombies usually come out of nowhere)--since here, everyone seems so nonchalant about it. To me this hits home the hardest at the end of the Gabite mini-arc, since we get to learn about this explorer as this cool mythic figure in the library, read his diary and get to know what he was going into the dungeons for, and then suddenly!
oh shit! he's this brainless monster and reasoning with him is out of the question! It opens up a lot of interesting questions about this world, for sure.
"…Did we… ?" Tricky asked in a small voice; the fire gone from her eyes. "Did he…"
Espurr was sorry to say that she wasn't sure. However, she could also admit with little guilt that she didn't really care one way or another anymore
I found this as another instance where the viewpoint characters feel kind of strained--to me it would make a lot more sense if
Espurr is the one who's confused about pokemon dying in dungeons,
especially given Tricky's backstory. And Espurr not really caring one way or another feels a bit brutal? She feels young, and she does seem to act with people's best interests at heart, so I wanted a bit more of a reaction to "whoops I avalanched a living creature to death" from both of them here.
And then, at the end of Part 1, the Beedrill fight is really interesting to me since it involves opponents who are basically just regular people who are following orders and gathering food for their colony! And like objectively we're told from Tricky's book that this is their territory, and Tricky goes into it on purpose, and then everyone is surprised pikachu face when the beedrill don't take very kindly to that. I really had a hard time picturing the beedrill as the bad guys here, even when they're knocking out our protagonists and trying to figure out where to take them since, like, if someone came into my backyard garden and also started lighting me on fire, I'd be pretty pissed as well?
I also was a bit confused at first on the usage of "animals", who get name-dropped with Ampharos's first appearance but don't really get explained until Watchog's lesson--it does get covered later, but not really at the time I found myself wanting that explanation.
All-in-all it definitely feels like there are a lot of moving parts here, and this school is just the tutorial level before shit really hits the fan. The alternate scenes cutting away to Ampharos's adventures, along with the Mawile/Archen subplot, are really good at hinting at that--these, along with this section taking place at the end of spring, really gave me vibes that shit hits the fan in Part 2 and we're about to start dealing with the larger world in a much more important way.
"Did you know it's customary on the Grass Continent to just do your 'business' wherever you please?" Mayor Honchkrow asked, after ten seconds of silence had elapsed.
stupid side note but this felt very JKR "wizards shit themselves and then vanish the shit" in terms of like, oh, initially this is funny, but logistically this is such a
shitty idea and? It has weird implications? Most civilizations evolved ways to not store their shit with the rest of their things since a) it smells and b) it's dangerous--even most animal societies are also pretty careful about not pooping where they please, for the aforementioned reasons. This one felt like a weird joke/reference that fell a bit flat for me.
the psychicness
Strangely, Espurr couldn't get a single clue as to Pancham's true intentions. When talking to other pokemon, Espurr had realized she could gauge their intentions and their emotions by tuning out the background noise and focusing only on their speech, but it wasn't happening with Pancham.
Espurr quickly ducked before she could be seen by Watchog as his pacing took him near the window. She shut her eyes and quickly tuned out his thoughts. Those would just distract her right now. She didn't need to do anything fancy. It didn't even need to be particularly well-done. She just needed to give that one memory of her and Tricky being late a small tweak…
I wanted a bit more of the psychic angle from Espurr, honestly! An empath protagonist is a really cool concept and helps a lot with the fish-out-of-water vibes, but I don't really think she ever uses this ability outside of mentioning she can't use it on Pancham? A lot of the Tricky stuff could be settled very early if Espurr just sensed what Tricky's (or Deerling's) true intentions were. Espurr getting an early read on Ampharos would also be interesting, since it's clear that he's
literally looking for her--felt like a missed opportunity here. I also didn't really get why she couldn't read but she could speak?
the grammar/technical
For the most part you're really solid on this front. I flagged a few typos (see below) but for the most part they didn't really distract me from the point you were getting across. A few consistent things I noticed:
The smart thing; Espurr knew; would be to turn him down.
Semicolons are tricky
heh I feel like we get this joke a lot. You often use them where you should use commas instead--the above example was probably the most dense.
A rule of thumb that I used when I was learning semicolons vs not is to instead consider what they're "equivalent" to, or what words/punctuation you can replace semicolons with. The most broad use-cases are:
- Replacing periods: joining together two complete sentences (i.e. "He ran quickly. There wasn't much time" vs "He ran quickly; there wasn't much time")
- Replacing a contraction + period: joining together two independent clauses (i.e. "She dodged out of the way, but the attack still clipped her tail" vs "She dodged out of the way; the attack still clipped her tail")
The common thread here is that you should be using semicolons to merge together thoughts that can stand on their own. For shorter pauses in thought, and to join together fragments/thoughts that wouldn't be independent alone, you use commas. In the quoted example above, we're basically looking at three pieces of the sentence: "the smart thing" / "Espurr knew" / "would be to turn him down". Note how none of those bits really stand on their own ("Espurr knew" sort of interrupts a complete thought formed by the other two; this is called an
appositive!). In this case, and in almost any of the cases that you used semicolons, you'd actually want to use commas:
The smart thing, Espurr knew, would be to turn him down.
It's a little esoteric and I don't think this is make-or-break, but to me it did get a little jarring--there are several hundred semicolons in the section I read, but a lot of them didn't need to be there/were used instead of commas.
And, sorry, I'm like legally obligated by the em dash lobby to mention this at least once:
"Them- the Pokemon Paradise Crew – They defeated the Bittercold 50 years ago!"
"What if it got you?! You'd— You'd—"
"Uh-uh! You're not changing the subject on me-" the fennekin angrily began-
Okay, squinting at these dashes that you've used here, you'll actually notice there are three different types of dashes. The short one (-) is a
hyphen, the medium one (–) is an
en dash, and the long one (—) is an
em dash. Why does this matter? Like semicolons and colons, these are visually similar parts of speech that have different uses and applications.
- - / hyphen: this is used to join two words. You do this very well naturally on your own. Words like "grey-purple", "head-on", "hastily-chosen". Hyphens can also be used to indicate stuttering, which you also do ("N-now what d-do we d-do?").
- – / en dash: this is used to join spans of numbers, and is actually quite rare in prose. Stuff like showing sports scores ("Manchester lost 2–0") and dates ("She was president from 2003–2007")
- — / em dash: this is used to join two thoughts, usually to show interruption. If you're putting a dash between two words and you aren't intending to join the words, but instead the sentences they're part of, you'll want to use an em dash.
Examples below:
"Uh-uh! You're not changing the subject on me-" the fennekin angrily began-
"He's gonna be fine!" Pancham shouted in self-defense over all the yelling. "All of this because—"
"—We'll go."
The second one is with em dashes, and is correct. The first one is with hyphens, and should be with em dashes.
And again! This is stupid and sort of esoteric, but it really helps me as a reader when the text does them separately, or at least does double hyphen (--) in the absence of a word processor to denote the difference between hyphen and not.
Some misc typos that I noticed:
"Find them." Watchog growled. "it's your mine!"
Tricky's ears quickly lowered at that sentence, and Espurr felt the sudden cloud of negativity e=invade her mind.
At least the place if filled to bursting with gemstones.
"'That right? Well, eat a mudkip for all I care! I'll poop wherever I darn well feel like pooping!"
Espurr knew it was a dream, if she tried to breathe in water in the dream she'd just breathe in air in the real world, but for some reason she couldn't seem to breathe. She couldn't seem to breath
(Also, not purely technical but there's a lot of breathing in that last one; also the last "breathe" dropped its E).
But otherwise! Mostly clean stuff here. I was sampling a lot of words so I didn't really comb through for typos like I normally might, but in general things check out.
the minutia
Anyway here's some dumb things that crossed my mine while I was reading:
For floating on the water was the stone statue of a lapras on a wooden barge; a note stuck to its chest in thick, loopy handwriting:
The Mawile/Archen exploration B-plot was really ominous and I'm curious if this is all a setup for some sort of "end of innocence" where Part 2 of the shonen anime is super dark and picks up all the threads from Part 1. But in this case, since we'd seen that the lucario statue was an actual lucario turned to stone, is this also a lapras turned to stone? How big is the barge to support that much weight?
"I'm sorry, I just can't," Audino told Espurr, setting out the lunch prep. "Deerling came in and asked me only a minute ago. Writing with your nose can't be easy, so I said yes. Why don't you ask the Principal?"
At first I really thought this was such a ridiculous thing since out of all the kids, only Pancham seems capable of taking an actual written test (and Tricky, if she showed up). This feels like a weird port of human mechanics to a foreign world, since "class means let's all sit in desks and write answers on paper" is distinctly adapted for humans, and logically I don't really see a pokemon world, which is inhabited by so many different body types, to evolve in the same way. I think part of the point here is that Audino is probably the only sane teacher in the lot, but to me written tests just felt like a weird export of human schools when oral exams should be the norm, or some sort of written language that doesn't require hands.
Honchkrow let the sentence die in his gizzard, the implications ringing clearer than his voice.
In birds, the gizzard is the rear part of the stomach (
helpful diagram!) and doesn't connect to the lungs/voice, so this one felt a bit flat for me.
"Of course I'm not mad!" she force-laughed out of herself. "What makes you think that?
I originally flagged this in multiquote for hyphen lessons, but imo "force-laughed out of herself" is a bit tricky of a phrase to parse on its own regardless of punctuation. Maybe something more like:
"Of course I'm not mad!" she forced a laugh. "What makes you think that?"
"Tricky!" Both Espurr's and Tricky's heads turned to the right, where what could best be described as an angry otter wearing a safety vest was marching right towards them.
Watchog are based on non-aquatic mammals--so groundhog, prairie dog, meerkat would all fit better here than "otter".
the other random stuff i couldn't put in a category
Tricky suddenly blanched at the word that was about to leave Kangaskhan's mouth. Kangaskhan quickly corrected herself before the word was uttered in its entirety, sending Tricky a brief apologetic look.
! this was good foreshadowing! I flagged it the first time as like "oh shit are we going to get Tricky's given name" and we DID and I was so hype. Really good follow-up to "my name is! a secret!" rip.
"The Adventures of an Intrepid Psyduck," Espurr said; half in shock. "That's the title of the book."
This line was so good! I liked the calm realization after all of the drama in the dream sequence; for me, it made the actual understanding of what just happened much more weighty and momentous.
"Do we know how to play chess?"
The POV switching here really worked--some dire situations for the rest of the crew, and then Deerling and Espurr are over here trying to read instruction manuals and play chess without opposable thumbs
"Smell, don't taste, oran berries make the base, and always mash everything into a paste," the class recited.
It is a known fact that I wholeheartedly approve of exposition via nursery rhyme, and this is no exception! Great summary for the berry lesson lol.
"My real name is Artemis Carracosta Duringham," Tricky began. "That's what my Pops named me when he adopted me. I… had another friend before you. He used to go exploring with me all the time. And…
She took a long shaky breath, as if to prepare for what she was about to say next:
"And I killed him."
This was dramatic af but also a very cathartic moment for finally realizing what all of the emotional undercurrents were building up to.
in conclusion
Really fun romp so far! Your setting choice and cast are definitely my favorite aspects, and I like how you use them to explore some very deep facets of this universe.