Spiteful Murkrow
Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
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Heya, here with the first chapter of our fresh review exchange. Your story happened to be up for review tag offsite, and it’s a priority of mine for the current Reading Rookidee, so sounded like as good a reason as any to just dive in and catch up with where things left off in the Ancient Barrow:
Chapter 24
Riolu: "I'd just like to remind you that if you'd waited for me to get my actual body first..." >_>;
Espurr: "Yeah, well we don't know that we have that kind of time to work with. So let's hurry it up here!" >.<
Espurr: "... Process of elimination? Also, canonically there's only supposed to be 11 floors to this thing, so..." ^^;
I'd recommend expanding that last sentence slightly, and boy am I getting strong "things are going to go horribly, horribly wrong" vibes, since everything about Espurr's decision-making right now feels really questionable.
Goomy: "I'm- I'm not dead am I? P-Please tell me I'm not dead." @.@
Nice priorities there, Pancham. I did a double-take at Goomy's vision, but no that's actually canonical to Sliggoo if its dex lore is to be believed, so nice attention to detail there.
Wait, what exactly are they doing with those poor Wooper if 'stick a Wooper' is a phrase in this setting?
Sliggoo: "... Tricky, you're scaring me right now." ._.;
Tricky: "Hey, you can't say it wouldn't be a handy ability to have right now."
Wait, are their mouths really that different from each other? Or is post-evolution bodily dysphoria just a relatively common occurrence in this setting?
Deerling: "... You know what, on second thought, maybe it would be better if we rested someplace a bit safer than here."
The answer is 'eleven assuming we're sticking to canon', Pancham. Which we could very well not be given the mention of where the Anchorstone is.
... Actually wait a minute, but do Espurr and Tricky still have their Communication Orbs right now? If so, why haven't they tried calling each other to try and see if they can make contact with each other. Assuming they figured them out to that point, anyways?
I... admittedly did not get that vibe from Wartortle's encampment. If that's meant to apply to everyone that Nyarlathotep ran over in the Voidlands, that's probably something that'd be worth considering to play up in the scenes involving Wartortle and the remnants of the guild. Alternatively, if Nyarlathotep was specifically referring to Riolu and his group from last chapter, you probably want to subtly tweak the narration here to make that more obvious.
Well, that's not disquieting at all. Both the overall thought process and the knowledge that Nyarlathotep is already there waiting at the Anchorstone.
Riolu: "Espurr, given that for all we know, Nyarlathotep is literally right around the next corner, shouldn't we not be wearing ourselves out like this?" >_>;
Espurr: "Look, the alternative is gambling with my friends' lives, and I'm not exactly down with that."
Riolu: "(At the expense of gambling with our own for dubious benefit?)" >.<;
Riolu: "Seriously, don't tempt me right now." >_>;
Espurr: "Riolu! What the hell?!"
Riolu: "Look, considering I've literally had my friends die on me to that thing on more occasions than I can count on one paw, it's a valid question, okay?" >_>;
... I'm guessing that the Connection Orb is one of those things given that Espurr hasn't reflexively grabbed for it to try and make a call. It might have been mentioned explicitly earlier, but if not, perhaps it might mention a passing acknowledgement of how that's not an option at the moment. ^^;
Riolu: "Boy it sure is a good thing that you've been running me ragged for the past god-knows-how-many-floors..."
Espurr: "Look, just pipe down and get moving here. Sitting and whining isn't going to magically even our odds out." >.<
Espurr: "... So much for moving." O_O;
Riolu: "I'm- I'm pretty sure that we're screwed beyond belief right about now."
I mean, not that those two exactly are rich on options right now, but there is exactly no way that is going to end well considering Nyarlathotep's plan revealed to the readers earlier.
Espurr: "... Could've done without that, really. If we survive this, the first thing I'm doing is going straight to Connection Café to wash this nasty taste out of my mouth."
... Can't tell if that's really Riolu or not since he kinda just vanished entirely in the last block. Like maybe it's nothing, but considering how Void Shadows have faked being various others on multiple occasions in this arc...
Uh... yeah, considering how Tricky has that deep-seated trauma of Budew being brutally killed and eaten, I can already see how this would be hard on her for stress management.
Sure hope there's something left of its contents since... yeah, you kids are gonna need the help. ^^;
I kinda wonder if the first paragraph ought to have been a bit more of a process and spread out more over at least the prior paragraph in expanded form. Basically the whole "oh no no no... it can't be happening again, not like this" sort of internal train of thought, show her panicking more explicitly, and then starting to come down here.
Not yet, not that that's exactly a high bar to cross. ^^;
I mean, the chapter count kinda gives away the ultimate outcome, but boy is it an
thought to think of how Tricky would've reacted to actually finding out that Espurr died.
Does a great job at selling that "I'm never gonna feel clean again after this" sort of feeling.
Riolu hears voices? Before Tricky could pick up a psychic presence?
Maybe it's just the past few chapters making me paranoid, but I'm not convinced those are really the rest of the Dungeon Runners just yet. Since we know that Nyarlathotep was planning an ambush, and it demonstrated itself capable of impersonating members of the core cast.
Okay, nevermind. I'm pretty sure that's them.
Espurr: "Can... we go back to being separated again?" >_>;
Deerling: "No. Now stop stalling and let's get out of here." >:|
Espurr: "Oh thank goodness, that'll save some time with an explanation." ^^;
Espurr: "... In retrospect, we probably should've packed an Escape Orb before coming here, huh?"
Deerling: "Gee, you think? For the record, if we survive this, I am never letting you hear the end of it!" >_>;
Whelp, time for things to get really crazy really fast.
Failed a spot check there. You'd think that with so many 'mons in this party, that someone would be checking behind themselves on a regular basis to ensure they weren't being snuck up on.
Wow. I didn't think that those berry mixing lessons and the toothpaste tube were actually going to be used for something actually plot-relevant, but kudos there. You'd clearly been building up to this moment for a while.
Whelp, so much for that.
Whelp, didn't have to wait long at all for things to get lit in this scene. I kinda wonder if the last paragraph ought to have been done in two with some sort of intervening line of dialogue, though.
Timely save there.
Espurr: "See, I told you it was just recovering!"
Well, this battle is just going swimmingly right now.
Oh, so this is the scene from the chapter art on TR, huh? That's definitely a bad spot to be in, and the general description all seems to line up.
Espurr: "You threatened to kill me the last time we met when I didn't give you what you wanted! Like hell I'm actually going to accept your bargain!"
Tricky: "Uh... Espurr? Is that... thing talking to you? What on earth is it even saying?" O_O;
I kinda wonder if it might have made sense to emphasize how scared / in pain Espurr was from the moment those headaches set in and Nyarlathotep grabs her. Like I get what's going on here, but it feels a little 0-60 in a way that spreading out the buildup to "I-I just want this to stop" a bit more would probably have avoided and better leaned into a "darkest hour" sort of moment.
I see that it's not just the kids who are failing spot checks in this chapter. :V
Boy is that cathartic. Though you probably want to get that out of your fur quickly before it does leach down into your skin.
Seems like this battle is definitely going to be going out with a bang. Literally, even.
I wonder if that first paragraph could've been broken up with a bit of dialogue dropped in to better communicate the idea of "Deerling, get the wand" more explicitly. Since while the string of events feels logical, somehow I'm not sure if it feels organic for Deerling to just reflexively put two and two together like this in a life-and-death situation.
Tricky: "Oh holy Mystery Dungeon, it's finally over."
Tricky: "... Berry crackers. He's here too-?" >.<
Espurr: "Tricky, finding Watchog was the reason we came here in the first place. Let's just be happy over this, alright?" -_-;
Probably for the best he conked out like that given that he was still going at it after being half-asleep there.
Alright, onto the end-of-chapter recap:
Wow was that was a climatic finisher to the whole Ancient Barrow arc, and in a relatively short chapter to boot. It felt pretty good to see everyone coming together and kicking over the main arc villain that's been giving everyone grief for the past 6-ish chapters.
For things that I wish were a bit different, it's mostly just the nitpicks that I highlighted in my writeup, mostly cases of a few paragraphs feeling too long and dense and like they'd work better cut up. I do wonder if Riolu ought to have played more of a role in the big fight at the end since it'd have been more of a chance to show if and how much he has evolved as a character, plus he'd have personal reasons for wanting to try and play a role in putting Nyarlathotep down for good. But eh, he's still alive and kicking, so I suppose we'll just have to wait and see what the plot has in store for him after this.
Congrats on the chapter, @SparklingEspeon . It'll probably take me a bit to properly get back into the thick of Psychic Sheep a bit, since the near-term priority is knocking out more chapters of PWCH for TRversary, but boy are you getting me excited to see what the future holds in store for Espurr, Tricky, and the rest of the Dungeon Runners.
Chapter 24
Oh yeah, that'd be such a fantastic environment to get separated in. In the eldritch geometry house with a superpowered Void Shadow just wandering around.The light of the way out, warm and illuminating, soon faded into cold, slimy darkness. The dark of the distance met Espurr as she ran back into the halls covered with viscous black sludge. Looking for any sign of the hallway she had seen before.
Behind her, Riolu tried his best to catch up. He made noisy splashes in the water behind them as he ran.
“Hey!” he called from behind her. “Wait up! I’m gonna lose you!”
As much as she wanted to speed up, Espurr slowed down. It wouldn’t do any good to lose the only pokemon currently with her, no matter how panicked she was. She took a deep breath, and tried to calm herself down.
It didn’t work. She was still breathing fast.
Riolu: "I'd just like to remind you that if you'd waited for me to get my actual body first..." >_>;
Espurr: "Yeah, well we don't know that we have that kind of time to work with. So let's hurry it up here!" >.<
Riolu: "... And we know that we're remotely close to this Anchorstone how?"“What are we even looking for?” Riolu panted out as he caught up with her. Espurr sped up again, forcing him to abandon catching his breath to keep pace with her.
“A way up,” Espurr answered between breaths. “If the anchorstone is in the middle of the dungeon, and the stairs at the entrance went down while the ones we’ve been climbing went up, we can probably assume this dungeon doesn’t work like all the other ones. And that means there’s stairs leading up somewhere on this floor. It’s an easy way to get to them. All we have to do is find the stairs.”
Espurr: "... Process of elimination? Also, canonically there's only supposed to be 11 floors to this thing, so..." ^^;
She had ad-libbed all of that. More hopefully than anything, but Espurr was willing to accept any hope she could grasp at. Even if she had to make it up for herself. Alongside her, Riolu nodded along, looking like he didn’t understand any of it.
Up ahead in the corridor, Espurr caught sight of a small hallway to their left. She pointed at it, making sure that Riolu could see. “We’re headed that way first.”
“But shouldn’t we scout the floor and come back to this late—”
“We might not find it again later.” Espurr cut him off, taking him by the paw and almost forcefully dragging him into the hallway.
This theory was their lucky break. It had to be. Or Espurr didn’t know what she would do if it weren't.
I'd recommend expanding that last sentence slightly, and boy am I getting strong "things are going to go horribly, horribly wrong" vibes, since everything about Espurr's decision-making right now feels really questionable.
Goomy saw wrong. More accurately, he felt wrong. The antennae constantly twitching atop his head were wrong, and so was the gooey snail shell on his back. He couldn’t see colors anymore. He saw, but in vibrations. Everything around him was illuminated in black and white, a fading image renewed with each twitch of his antennae. He didn’t even know where he had pulled that attack from—something he couldn’t have imagined doing just a few seconds before. Goomy stayed still in shock for a bit.
Goomy: "I'm- I'm not dead am I? P-Please tell me I'm not dead." @.@
“Goomy!”
Deerling galloped through the muck towards him, then threw herself into him the best she could. Goomy did his best to not collapse into formless goo upon impact, but now that he tried it, he couldn’t do that as well now either.
“Aw, berry crackers. He’s the first to evolve? He’s the youngest out of all of us!” Pancham walked forward, his arms stuck out in annoyance. Goomy could hear the relief he was trying to push out of his voice.
Nice priorities there, Pancham. I did a double-take at Goomy's vision, but no that's actually canonical to Sliggoo if its dex lore is to be believed, so nice attention to detail there.
“Oh, stick a wooper in it, Pancham,” Deerling hissed at him. “You nearly died! We. All. Nearly. Died. He saved our lives! The least you could do is thank him instead of treating him like muk!”
Wait, what exactly are they doing with those poor Wooper if 'stick a Wooper' is a phrase in this setting?
“Sooo cool!!”
That was Tricky. She bounded around him, checking his new body out from all angles. “What does it feel like? Can you see? Ooh—Ooh—Watchog said that sliggoos dissolve everything with killer slime. Can you dissolve a dungeon ‘mon??”
Sliggoo: "... Tricky, you're scaring me right now." ._.;
Tricky: "Hey, you can't say it wouldn't be a handy ability to have right now."
“T-that’s a myth,” Goomy stuttered out, still trying to figure out how to speak with his new mouth. He knew that much. Although he guessed he was Sliggoo now.
Wait, are their mouths really that different from each other? Or is post-evolution bodily dysphoria just a relatively common occurrence in this setting?
“Hey,” Deerling said, trying to stabilize the wobbling Sliggoo. “You feeling alright? Do you need to rest for a moment?”
“This is great and all,” Shelmet interjected loudly, “but I propose we get a move and get out of here before, y’know, the scary monster thing comes back to get us?”
Deerling: "... You know what, on second thought, maybe it would be better if we rested someplace a bit safer than here."
“I- I’m f-fine,” Goo—Sliggoo stuttered, stabilizing himself without Deerling’s help. “I just want to get out of here.”
“True that,” Pancham muttered. “How many floors is this place, anyway? It’s gotta have been at least fifteen.”
The answer is 'eleven assuming we're sticking to canon', Pancham. Which we could very well not be given the mention of where the Anchorstone is.
“Try five.” Deerling clopped past him, leading the group onwards. “It can’t be that many now. The only ‘mon we’re missing is Espurr.”
No-mon saw it in the darkness, but Tricky’s ears flopped back as they continued on.
“You don’t think we left her behind, right?” she asked. Deerling didn’t answer. No-mon did. No-mon knew. There was only hope to guide them.
... Actually wait a minute, but do Espurr and Tricky still have their Communication Orbs right now? If so, why haven't they tried calling each other to try and see if they can make contact with each other. Assuming they figured them out to that point, anyways?
This was less than optimal. They were in two groups now, instead of seven defenseless targets. If It allowed them to progress unhindered, soon there would be only one group.
They knew. They weren’t like the beings that had ended up in the Voidlands. pathetic beings filled with hate and worry and discord for It and Its brethren to leech off of and grow stronger from. They were a measly seven, but together they had hurt It. And now It slunk off to lick its wounds, and hunt the smaller group of two lower in the dungeon.
I... admittedly did not get that vibe from Wartortle's encampment. If that's meant to apply to everyone that Nyarlathotep ran over in the Voidlands, that's probably something that'd be worth considering to play up in the scenes involving Wartortle and the remnants of the guild. Alternatively, if Nyarlathotep was specifically referring to Riolu and his group from last chapter, you probably want to subtly tweak the narration here to make that more obvious.
Ah yes, the reason why canonical PMD protags seem to almost always seem to be on the younger side, and how Dark Matter jobs to peasant children that stumble across cosmic power canonically.It had never liked children. They were too hopeful, too filled with positive emotions that burned It like the fire it hated. Too small to make a good meal, for all the trouble. And yet they posed the largest threat to It.
Now It lay in hiding, conserving Its strength and plotting Its next move. Maybe this was more optimal than It had originally thought. In one group, they were a dangerous but easy target. And now that It had fought them a few times, It knew which ones to eat first. It would devour the psychic cat and the goo snail, depriving them of their largest weapons. Then it would eat the fennekin, wielder of terrible fire, the first to defy Its nightmares. The riolu would be consumed next, for daring to escape from Its home. And then It would feast upon the rest, eating their screams as Its teeth ripped into their flesh. Oh yes it would make them suffer. It would devour them one by one, bite by bite. Their final moments would be of delicious fear and horror, just waiting to be sucked out of their bones.
All along the Anchorstone floor, the slime covering the walls rapidly shifted and squelched in preparation. It was time to set the stage.
Well, that's not disquieting at all. Both the overall thought process and the knowledge that Nyarlathotep is already there waiting at the Anchorstone.
There was nothing at the end of the hallway. Espurr hadn’t wasted time making it back to the main corridor, pulling Riolu along with her. Riolu had made a few efforts to slow down, but Espurr wasn’t having it. They found another corridor, and she checked that one too. It was only after a few more hurried searches of hallways that Riolu finally sat down in the muck, all puffed out.
“I need a minute,” he panted. “To… catch my breath…”
Riolu: "Espurr, given that for all we know, Nyarlathotep is literally right around the next corner, shouldn't we not be wearing ourselves out like this?" >_>;
Espurr: "Look, the alternative is gambling with my friends' lives, and I'm not exactly down with that."
Riolu: "(At the expense of gambling with our own for dubious benefit?)" >.<;
Boy would it be a really, really terrible time for Nyarlathotep to find these two in this state.Espurr reluctantly stopped. She folded her arms, marched back over to him, and sat down opposite him silently. Finally, now that she’d stopped running, her rapidly beating heart began to slow. And she could notice just how tuckered out Riolu was.
“Sorry for dragging you around so fast,” she said. It sounded lame, dragged out of her mouth. “I just need to find—”
“You’re looking for your friends,” Riolu said. He sat huddled up, staring down at the water with eyes wide open. “I get it.”
At least you aren’t running the other way.
Riolu: "Seriously, don't tempt me right now." >_>;
Nothing was said between them; they sat together in silence.
“What do you do if they’re dead?” Riolu suddenly broke the silence.
“What?”
“What if you go back, and you don’t see…” He trailed off.
Espurr: "Riolu! What the hell?!"
Riolu: "Look, considering I've literally had my friends die on me to that thing on more occasions than I can count on one paw, it's a valid question, okay?" >_>;
Pretty sure that that's a volatile mixture of copium and hopium right there, but... yeah, I don't blame Espurr for not wanting to have a nervous breakdown right about now. ^^;It was the question Espurr would do anything not to answer. Because the truth was, she didn’t know. She didn’t want to know. The dilemma grew in her mind like a cloud of haze, the corners of her mind flashed blue-green, and she could feel her ears up top begin to stir with flickers of power. She shut her eyes tightly and tried to ward it off with logic. The monster was busy with them. There wasn’t enough time for it to go back for everymon else.
That made it feel better. All that grief and haze… a flicker of it was too much for her. How much had Tricky gone through?
For the first time since being separated from her friends, Espurr’s shoulder felt lighter than it should have—missing the strap of the tattered old exploration bag she’d brought in. She gladly seized the distraction. That bag had everything in it! There were so many things she’d have to replace if she couldn’t retrieve it… but since they were backtracking, perhaps she’d find it along the way.
... I'm guessing that the Connection Orb is one of those things given that Espurr hasn't reflexively grabbed for it to try and make a call. It might have been mentioned explicitly earlier, but if not, perhaps it might mention a passing acknowledgement of how that's not an option at the moment. ^^;
“Ready yet?” she asked Riolu, dodging the question. Riolu noticed. But he nodded anyway.
“Almost,” he said, still sounding tuckered out. “I can get up no—”
Something changed. Both Espurr and Riolu noticed. He stopped mid-sentence, and they both silently looked in the direction of the distant rumbling that came from deeper within the dungeon. It was getting closer.
“Move.”
Riolu: "Boy it sure is a good thing that you've been running me ragged for the past god-knows-how-many-floors..."
Espurr: "Look, just pipe down and get moving here. Sitting and whining isn't going to magically even our odds out." >.<
Both Espurr and Riolu got to their feet, but it was all they could do to jump clear of the wall before it suddenly became fluid. Goo shifted along the walls at high speeds, and soon the walls themselves began to change. The dungeon began to growl, leading up into a roar that blew through the halls—something was rearranging it without its consent, and it was not happy. The sound vibrated through the air around Espurr and Riolu, and a sudden gust of rancid wind buffeted them both backwards. And the walls weren’t solidifying.
Espurr: "... So much for moving." O_O;
Riolu: "I'm- I'm pretty sure that we're screwed beyond belief right about now."
Espurr got back to her feet, helping Riolu up as quickly as she could. A sudden pillar of black muck shot out of the wall, and they both ducked just in time to avoid it. The area closed up into a full wall, and Espurr and Riolu scrambled away from it. More and more pillars of goo shot out from all directions, while walls around them collapsed.
“What do we do?” Riolu yelled over the noise of the shifting dungeon. He and Espurr were pressed as close together as they could possibly be. The muck around them churned, and they parted just in time to avoid another wall of slime shooting straight up out of the ground. And then Espurr saw it: Behind a collapsing wall, the stairs stood. They glowed brighter than anything else, and most importantly: they led upwards.
She called out to Riolu just before the wall sealed up and separated them. “Head that way! I see the stairs!”
I mean, not that those two exactly are rich on options right now, but there is exactly no way that is going to end well considering Nyarlathotep's plan revealed to the readers earlier.
As walls formed all around them, Espurr didn’t waste any time running forward. A corridor was forming, leading right to the stairs, and she ran directly for it. Nearly too late—another pillar of goo, soon to become a wall, shot out of the ground. It began to form a barrier between her and the stairs, turning it into a dead end. She wasn’t going to make it in time.
The dungeon roared again. Espurr knew that the dungeon winds would follow. She sped up as fast as she could, but then she began to feel a draft. As she ran, she noticed her fur blew in the direction of the sealing up wall, and that gave her an idea. Just as the gust intensified, she jumped—
—The gust of wind blew through the nearly completed hallway, and its power thrust Espurr off her feet and sent her flying through the gap just before the wall closed up. She hit the muck on the other side of the hallway and got a mouthful of swamp water. At this point, she was beginning to get used to its bitter taste.
Espurr: "... Could've done without that, really. If we survive this, the first thing I'm doing is going straight to Connection Café to wash this nasty taste out of my mouth."
“You okay?”
Espurr looked up to see Riolu standing over her. He held a paw out, and she took it, bringing herself to her feet. Ahead of them, the stairs lit the hallway with a luminous glow. Behind them, the dungeon slowly settled into an uneasy peace. The rumbling ceased.
“We shouldn’t wait around for something else to happen,” Espurr said, winded as she was. “Let’s go.”
... Can't tell if that's really Riolu or not since he kinda just vanished entirely in the last block. Like maybe it's nothing, but considering how Void Shadows have faked being various others on multiple occasions in this arc...
Tricky worried about it the whole way there. She worried about what had happened to Espurr, who was her friend when no-mon else would have been. Espurr, who was the only ‘mon still separated from the group. Espurr, who Tricky worried had been left behind in the dungeon. She knew there were no answers for her right now, but the worry hung over her like a cloud of haze as they walked.
‘Espurr can take care of herself,' Tricky’s brain said. She used that like a shield, hiding behind it, hiding from the worry. But that didn’t stop her from knowing it was there.
Uh... yeah, considering how Tricky has that deep-seated trauma of Budew being brutally killed and eaten, I can already see how this would be hard on her for stress management.
“Hey,” Deerling spoke after what felt like hours of silence. “I found something.”
She sped up, and all the others did their best to follow.
Sitting against the goo-covered wall was the tattered old exploration bag that belonged to Espurr. Deerling stopped right in front of it, and looked down at the bag. It floated in the muck, its strap stuck to the walls and holding it in place. If it weren’t waterproof it would have been ruined long ago.
Sure hope there's something left of its contents since... yeah, you kids are gonna need the help. ^^;
Oh, for a second I thought we were going to see Tricky go full war flashbacks and break down in panic right there.Tricky quickly pushed past Pancham and Shelmet to look at the bag. She was the first one to point out the obvious.
“That’s Espurr’s!”
Everymon else exchanged looks in worry. Tricky’s fear nearly overcame her—Espurr wouldn’t just leave the team bag behind like that. What if something had… what if… good thoughts…
Tricky stared down at the muck for a moment, breathing hard, trying to think of something positive to make of the situation.
“Well…” she began after a moment. “If the bag is here, then Espurr has to be further down in the dungeon. So we didn’t leave her behind.”
I kinda wonder if the first paragraph ought to have been a bit more of a process and spread out more over at least the prior paragraph in expanded form. Basically the whole "oh no no no... it can't be happening again, not like this" sort of internal train of thought, show her panicking more explicitly, and then starting to come down here.
More silence. Uneasy nods, but the unspoken words hung in the air over all of them: She’s dead, isn’t she?
Not yet, not that that's exactly a high bar to cross. ^^;
“We should collect it,” Deerling said. Her voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper. “It’s got her things in it. We don’t want to leave those behind.”
Pancham—the only one with hands—stooped over and picked it up. He slung it over his back, and they began to continue on again in silence.
Tricky wouldn’t believe it. Not until she saw it with her own eyes. That perked her up just a little as they trudged further into the dungeon.
I mean, the chapter count kinda gives away the ultimate outcome, but boy is it an
The stairs deposited Espurr and Riolu onto the next floor up with an unceremonious splash. Their wits were too shot for either of them to be fazed. They just picked themselves up, shook off the water, and began to trek through the dungeon’s hallways once again with little complaint. Their fur was matted with swamp grime and bits of the wall’s black sludge. Their eyes stung from the dirt that had gotten in them, and their limbs were weary. Espurr didn’t think she could ever clean the filth out of the scarf Tricky had given her. It hung around her neck, soggy with swamp water and almost brown from the dirt that had collected on it.
Does a great job at selling that "I'm never gonna feel clean again after this" sort of feeling.
Tricky…
Espurr closed her eyes, and reached out with her sixth sense once more. If they were on this floor, and she tried hard enough…
“Hey, do you hear voices?”
Riolu’s comment snapped Espurr back to reality. She glanced at him.
“I wasn’t paying attention. Where?”
Riolu hears voices? Before Tricky could pick up a psychic presence?
“Voices. That way.” Riolu pointed towards the end of the corridor that they’d been travelling down. When Espurr strained her ears, she could hear it too.
“I think the stairs are this way," said a voice in the distance. "It’s the only hallway we haven’t checked.”
That sounded like… Deerling! Espurr immediately broke out into a run, dashing down the hallway and making splashes in the muck behind her. She just stopped herself from calling out to them, in case it was an enemy she hadn’t been aware of.
She slowed to a stop just outside the entrance to the main hall, glancing in the direction she’d heard the noises from. Her eyes widened. She saw all five of the other village children, in a group led by Deerling.
Maybe it's just the past few chapters making me paranoid, but I'm not convinced those are really the rest of the Dungeon Runners just yet. Since we know that Nyarlathotep was planning an ambush, and it demonstrated itself capable of impersonating members of the core cast.
“Espurr!!”
The cry was loud enough to pierce the ears of everymon in the dungeon. Tricky pushed past everymon else and quickly slammed herself into Espurr. “Where were you all this time?” she asked. “We found your bag, and I thought you… were…” Tricky couldn’t go on.
Espurr just shut her eyes and hugged her back. Tightly. After all the stuff they’d been through, after all the things that had happened tonight, Tricky’s infectious hyperactivity was getting to her.
Okay, nevermind. I'm pretty sure that's them.
“Here’s your bag.” Espurr’s bag went sailing through the air and landed in the muck with a splash in front of her. It soaked both her and Tricky in the dungeon’s much. Pancham folded his arms as Tricky parted the hug and shuffled away from the bag, shaking some of the water it had kicked up out of her tail. Ignoring Pancham’s brashness, Espurr bent over and picked it up.
Deerling clopped forward. Espurr thought she was about to say something, but suddenly Deerling lowered her head and headbutted Espurr right in the chest. Espurr yelped and landed in the muck with a splash, too surprised to make her landing graceful. She looked up at Deerling in shock.
“That’s for getting us into this mess.” Deerling flicked an ear indignantly. “Now get up. We…” she looked down. “We need somemon who can get us out of it.”
Espurr: "Can... we go back to being separated again?" >_>;
Deerling: "No. Now stop stalling and let's get out of here." >:|
Still a bit shaken from the fall, Espurr pulled herself into a standing position, watching Deerling clop backwards. She saddled her waterlogged, twice-as-heavy bag back onto her shoulder. It felt good, having that there again.
Riolu finally made his way to the end of the corridor, stumbling to a stop awkwardly and catching his breath. The rest of the children looked at him in alarm.
“This is Riolu,” Espurr said to the rest of them. “He got lost in the dungeon, just like us. We found the way out. It’s only a floor down. The bad news is…”
“There’s a monster after us,” Deerling said. “We know.”
Espurr: "Oh thank goodness, that'll save some time with an explanation." ^^;
“We still didn’t find Watchog,” Shelmet pointed out.
“I say let Watchog rot,” Pancham said dismissively. “We’ll be lucky to get out of this with our own fur, forget his. Besides, we would have found him already if he was here.”
That was met with uneasy agreement from everymon else.
“So now what?” Tricky asked, much more chipper than before.
“Now…” Espurr turned back towards the hallway ahead of them. “We look for the way down, and then the way out.”
Espurr: "... In retrospect, we probably should've packed an Escape Orb before coming here, huh?"
Deerling: "Gee, you think? For the record, if we survive this, I am never letting you hear the end of it!" >_>;
The halls of the Anchorstone were completely different when Espurr and her friends stepped onto its grounds. It looked like a whole new floor. Around them, the dungeon settled silently, with only a short rumble, pop, or shlick as the new hallways finished slotting into place. Espurr slowly led the seven of them down the corridor, being as silent as possible.
Whelp, time for things to get really crazy really fast.
The sludge covering the wall popped once as they continued on, startling Espurr. In the absence of a bubble, there was a head-sized hole in the center of the wall that led into blackness. But nothing came out of it, so they all decided to very quickly move on before something could. None of them noticed the eyeless face that silently emerged from the hole to spy on them after they’d passed it. Craning in their direction, it took a large sniff of the air. Smelling prey. Satisfied, it retreated back in, black goo swarming over to cover it up.
Failed a spot check there. You'd think that with so many 'mons in this party, that someone would be checking behind themselves on a regular basis to ensure they weren't being snuck up on.
Espurr unzipped the bag, and reached into it. The outside was wet, but thankfully the contents inside were dry. She pulled out the tube of bluk berry toothpaste that was in the bag, then uncorked the cap. She grabbed a few oran berries from inside the bag—the emergency reserves they’d brought—then crushed them above the bottle. The juices fell into the tube, mixing with the toothpaste below. Espurr jammed the mushed pulp of the berries down the narrow chute seconds afterwards, then recorked the toothpaste.
“What are you doing?” Tricky asked. Espurr noticed she’d been watching her for a bit, a perplexed expression on her face.
“Making a weapon,” Espurr said calmly, holding the cap tight and shaking the tube as hard as she could to mix the ingredients. “Teddiursa told me this stings if you get it in the wrong places. When it’s souped up on oran berry, it’ll hurt even more.”
Wow. I didn't think that those berry mixing lessons and the toothpaste tube were actually going to be used for something actually plot-relevant, but kudos there. You'd clearly been building up to this moment for a while.
Preeeeetty sure the correct answer right there is 'anywhere but here'.The hallways were darker than they’d ever been, and Espurr had trouble seeing the way ahead properly. Several times she almost walked straight into a wall, tipped off only by how the coating of slime caught the sparse light. Eventually, she led them into a large room where the paths to several hallways led.
Leading in, or leading out? Espurr stopped, unsure of where to go next. Everymon looked around, taking in the sheer number of hallway entrances all around them.
“Now where do we go?” Tricky asked. The walls shifted silently all around them. Still settling into place.
Or were they? If Espurr didn’t know better, she would have said the doorways were getting narrower…
…They were! The doorways had definitely been narrower than they were before, and if she looked carefully she could see them closing up a little. And that was all the clueing in she needed. Espurr took a fighting position.
“Get ready to fight!” she said, brandishing her paws and channeling psychic energy into them. “We aren’t alone in here.” And with that, she fired a mental blast at the wall.
Whelp, so much for that.
Nyarlathotep abandoned the element of surprise immediately. Goo exploded out from where Espurr blasted the wall, absorbing the blast. It began to collect in the middle of the room, assembling itself into Nyarlathotep’s body—
An ember from Tricky sent the lower half of the body reeling back before it could finish building itself.
“Get it!”
All seven of them rushed forward, ganging up on the Shadow before it could assemble itself completely. Riolu pushed one of its legs out from under it, causing it to stumble forward. Pancham climbed on top of it, beating it over the top with his fists and tugging off small, developing spines. Shelmet charged forward and stabbed the pointy edge of his shell into the leg it was kneeling on. Tricky brandished fiery jaws, charging forward and chomping down on its torso. Espurr ran forward and used her mind to pull the Shadow’s other leg out from under it. It collapsed completely, falling to its side. Sliggoo unleashed a dragon breath, cleaving the body in two. Deerling spun around and gave the Shadow’s remaining half a powerful kick with her hind legs, sending it skidding back.
Whelp, didn't have to wait long at all for things to get lit in this scene. I kinda wonder if the last paragraph ought to have been done in two with some sort of intervening line of dialogue, though.
The mangled mess of its body, barely half-formed, fell back against one of the walls, and was silent. Everymon held their breath, watching it lie still for a moment.
“Did… Did we beat it?” Tricky asked hesitantly after a minute. Espurr looked over the shadowy body, studying it intently. She looked at how the goo flowed off the walls and down into its body. And then she realized.
“No,” she said quickly. “It’s just recovering. Let’s finish it off before it has a chance to.” She began to charge another mental blast, aiming it directly at the recovering Nyarlathotep.
But it was too late—Nyarlathotep was up faster than Espurr could blink, and the last of the goo had assembled into the Void Shadow’s monstrous body. Its quills stood alert, and before Espurr could unleash her mind attack it had already charged forward and grabbed her by the throat. Espurr wasn’t having it. She directed her attack directly at its claws instead. The raw power was enough to blow the Shadow’s hand temporarily apart, and she slipped back to the ground.
Timely save there.
Espurr: "See, I told you it was just recovering!"
One by one, everymon launched an attack against the Shadow. But this time, it was ready for them.
Its arms shot out and whacked Tricky aside. She slammed against the wall, the flames in her mouth extinguished. It dodged Riolu, then kicked him into a wall. He tumbled into the muck. It took the brunt of Sliggoo’s dragon breaths, enduring the blasts and slowly walking towards him. Pancham and Shelmet both charged at the monster—they were grabbed and thrown aside. Deerling stepped in to defend Sliggoo, and the Shadow began to charge straight for them. A shockwave from Espurr sent it careening backwards, then falling on its spines.
Espurr looked at her fallen friends, then straight at Nyarlathotep. She began to charge up an attack, but suddenly a sharp headache struck her. She groaned, clutching her head. It felt external, like something was prying into her head from the outside. An alien presence; it wasn’t a part of her and she could feel it. All the same, it sent her to her hands and knees with a whine of pain.
Well, this battle is just going swimmingly right now.
Nyarlathotep used the opening. It shot up and grabbed Espurr into the air, and this time there was no hope of escape. She struggled the best she could, but she wasn’t strong enough to pry herself from Nyarlathotep’s claws. The headache still pounded at her forehead, rendering her psychic powers inept. Was being too close to the Shadow doing this?
“Help!” she looked back at all her classmates desperately. But none of them could reach her in time. They were all still recovering from what the Shadow had done to all of them. Deerling just looked up with a frozen expression of horror, shivering, then looked back at a still recovering Sliggoo. What could she do?
Espurr felt Nyarlathotep’s breath on her face. It ruffled her fur, and it smelled of dungeon wind. Nyarlathotep’s maw opened up, and a voice emerged from its hollow depths that only Espurr could hear:
You are at the brink of death. My Shadow shall devour your mortal frame, and you will be doomed to know only blackness as a part of me forevermore. Unless…
Oh, so this is the scene from the chapter art on TR, huh? That's definitely a bad spot to be in, and the general description all seems to line up.
Espurr didn’t want to hear whatever the monster had to say to her. Frantically, she began to search for a potential way out, but the headache was pounding into her head with too much force. The rest of her body ached so much, tired out and injured from this terrible night. She could fight off all the pain, the attack on her head, but it was taking a lot out of her just to fight.
Once again, I present my offer to you: Leave this body. Return to your old life. Regain your memories. Escape death. Do this, and you have my word that you shall not be harmed by my Shadow’s hand. I ask once more: do we have a bargain?
Espurr: "You threatened to kill me the last time we met when I didn't give you what you wanted! Like hell I'm actually going to accept your bargain!"
Tricky: "Uh... Espurr? Is that... thing talking to you? What on earth is it even saying?" O_O;
It took everything Espurr had left not to accept the offer. She wanted to get out of this so badly. She was scared, she was hurting. Everything hurt so much. And she was tired. Tired of all the mysteries. Tired of the mystery dungeons. Tired of everything. A way out would be everything she’d ever wanted, and it came with the added bonus of not being eaten. But it felt guilty and horrible too: Was she really considering it?
I kinda wonder if it might have made sense to emphasize how scared / in pain Espurr was from the moment those headaches set in and Nyarlathotep grabs her. Like I get what's going on here, but it feels a little 0-60 in a way that spreading out the buildup to "I-I just want this to stop" a bit more would probably have avoided and better leaned into a "darkest hour" sort of moment.
Then a cough sounded from behind her. Tricky. The Shadow’s head snapped towards it, but Espurr quickly faked a cough herself to draw its attention back. She noticed it was eyeless. It must have been relying on sound smell touch to sense things. And then she remembered: her bag! The weapon she had made! Now was the perfect time to use it. She only had to wait for the right moment…
She turned her head towards the rest of the children, who were silently rising from the muck. They assembled in the middle of the room wordlessly, taking attack stances. Espurr took the cue, and found that her headache had waned enough for her to begin charging her own attack.
I see that it's not just the kids who are failing spot checks in this chapter. :V
I require an ANSWER.
Nyarlathotep leaned in closer, its breath ruffling her fur. Espurr stared its eyeless face down.
“I’m sorry. We don’t have a deal,” she said, her face quickly returning to her former smugness. “And you should know by now: threats don’t work on me.”
In one lightning motion, Espurr pulled the toothpaste bottle out of her bag, shut her eyes tight, and squeezed as hard as she could. The bottle exploded. Toothpaste flew everywhere. The Shadow squealed and dropped her, the toothpaste sizzling against Its surface. Espurr tumbled to the muck and rolled away from the Shadow just in time. Some of the toothpaste landed on her fur, but it didn’t eat through her skin like it did the Shadow’s.
Boy is that cathartic. Though you probably want to get that out of your fur quickly before it does leach down into your skin.
Getting to her feet as quickly as possible and stumbling her way over to the rest of the children, Espurr fished in her bag for the last weapon they had. She pulled it out--a stick with green, dimly-glowing engravings on it. The last of the three wands in Gabite's old, tattered bag.
"Tricky!" she called out, holding it high. "Light this!"
Immediately, Tricky understood. She wasted no time spitting some fire into the air, setting the stick on fire like a torch.
Seems like this battle is definitely going to be going out with a bang. Literally, even.
Behind them, Nyarlathotep rose out of the muck, looming over the seven of them like an imposing shadow. This time, it didn't stop growing. It only got larger and larger, continuing to grow in size until it eclipsed the way out and half the cavern. A large, gooey hand came down upon Espurr, squashing her under several tons of black goop.
[ ]
She threw the stick towards the others in the air, and a powerful kick from Deerling's hind legs punted the stick directly into Nyarlathotep's chest, where it exploded.
It left a hole clean through Nyarlathotep. One that didn’t fill itself in.
Nyarlathotep took a step towards the village children, and all of them balked in fear. But then it stopped. It twitched, then began to tremble. And then it burst into tiny flakes of black goo and ash, that dispersed in the air until no-mon could see them. And then there was only silence.
I wonder if that first paragraph could've been broken up with a bit of dialogue dropped in to better communicate the idea of "Deerling, get the wand" more explicitly. Since while the string of events feels logical, somehow I'm not sure if it feels organic for Deerling to just reflexively put two and two together like this in a life-and-death situation.
Unseen, a single flake of blackness flew behind everymon’s backs, and deeper into the dungeon.
Espurr slowly raised herself from the muck, picking her bag up with her. Ragged and limping, she rejoined the rest of her classmates. There wasn’t any fanfare, no celebratory hugs, no whoops and cheers for defeating the monster. They all just gathered together, and silently continued towards what was now the only hallway left out of the clearing. Just around the corner, there was daylight.
Tricky: "Oh holy Mystery Dungeon, it's finally over."
Like the dungeon was throwing them a bone for their troubles, they came across a figure lay slumped down against the wall, fast asleep. Their body was half covered in black goo. Vice-Principal Watchog was slowly roused from his sleep by the sounds of seven children tromping through the muck towards him.
Tricky: "... Berry crackers. He's here too-?" >.<
Espurr: "Tricky, finding Watchog was the reason we came here in the first place. Let's just be happy over this, alright?" -_-;
“… Huh?” he muttered, raising his head from the ground groggily. “What are you troublemakers doing… here… blurgh… more mago berries… the good shtuff…”
His head fell back into the muck, and he was asleep once again.
All seven of them exchanged looks.
“We’ll just have to carry him out,” Espurr said. No-mon objected.
Daylight was just around the corner.
Probably for the best he conked out like that given that he was still going at it after being half-asleep there.
Alright, onto the end-of-chapter recap:
Wow was that was a climatic finisher to the whole Ancient Barrow arc, and in a relatively short chapter to boot. It felt pretty good to see everyone coming together and kicking over the main arc villain that's been giving everyone grief for the past 6-ish chapters.
For things that I wish were a bit different, it's mostly just the nitpicks that I highlighted in my writeup, mostly cases of a few paragraphs feeling too long and dense and like they'd work better cut up. I do wonder if Riolu ought to have played more of a role in the big fight at the end since it'd have been more of a chance to show if and how much he has evolved as a character, plus he'd have personal reasons for wanting to try and play a role in putting Nyarlathotep down for good. But eh, he's still alive and kicking, so I suppose we'll just have to wait and see what the plot has in store for him after this.
Congrats on the chapter, @SparklingEspeon . It'll probably take me a bit to properly get back into the thick of Psychic Sheep a bit, since the near-term priority is knocking out more chapters of PWCH for TRversary, but boy are you getting me excited to see what the future holds in store for Espurr, Tricky, and the rest of the Dungeon Runners.