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Pokémon Weaversong

K_S

Unrepentent Giovanni and Rocket fan
Hi here for the catnip with my line-by-line reaction...

Snorts, I was thinking hangover but I suspect our pains a bit more complicated than that... I suspect transport and alteration if not... and the mind skidding to a halt sorta supports that.

Existential crisis and searing pain, not the best wake-up call. I shudder to see how he responds to his "locational" crisis when that sets in... and if it weren't for the crippling pain I imagine there would have been some screaming and running away from those "monster" claws spied earlier...

Winces so Hiro, the hero of his tale, might have been the survivor of an apocalyptic failure... even if only on a personal level since he's a total amnesiac at this point... This bodes ominously for his upcoming endeavors and adds some nice tension in wondering if the hero can win if he's lost this hard before...

So we get a flashback to him waking up a second time? At least he's not in as much pain as he'd been in before... Hm he acknowledges himself as a human but even with his amnesia he seems to be oblivious to the common mon-world trope... so he might be of a world divorced from the 'mon... It's a neat way to introduce the world, as he knows nothing/little it gives you a free leash to focus on what you want to do.

so we have Hiro as a Sneasel... glued... I'm imagining a number of kiddie turkey art projects for some reason... Snorts. Yeah "think about it later" until your lack of function hits into the wall of "how am I going to eat?" and "what can I eat?"... And so we hit on the "and how can I drink?" I'm a little surprised the water didn't freeze into ice in his claws... He's lucky in that regard and also no need to worry about sticking his own tongue to his claws when taking a drink....

Alright, I take back the "not from the mon world" since he knew what a sneasel was.. .sorta...

Huh so his first 'mon encounter ws with a non-verble 'mon and he has no clue... this will go well considering a quick look-up makes them look like escapees from area fifty one... So that's how items seem to work.... interesting... hopefully, their savior. the owner of the mysterious ethereal voice will give a tutorial on healing items, since Hiro's in need of some at this point....

Huh well, this was an interesting drop into the world, and book it from hostiles/ferals scenario that shows a lot of progress. Thanks for sharing.
 

zion of arcadia

too much of my own quietness is with me
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. marowak-alola


Chapter One: A Hiro's Beginning

The human snapped his eyes open with a gasp, quickly sitting up only to be struck back down by a splitting headache. He clutched his temples and tried to raise his body again, more slowly, but quickly collapsed. He groaned and held his eyes shut as he curled up on the ground. It was hard to even focus on just breathing. His whole body ached, as if he'd woken up a morning after swimming the length of the ocean floor.

A few minutes passed without incident. In that time, he regained enough strength to open his eyes again and take in his surroundings. Tall evergreen swayed gently with the winds, their branches spread out and huddling together. The clear blue of a daytime sky filtered sunlight through gaps in the foliage, dotting the ground with bright splotches. He closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath. The earthy smell of the ground helped soothe his mind enough for stray thoughts to start trickling in. Where was he? Why did his face feel damp? Was he crying? Tears had pooled in his eyes, streaming down his face as he laid there motionless.

He raised his hand to wipe his face, but his mind skidded to a halt the moment a white paw slid into view. He jerked back, sending leaves scattering as he tried to crawl away. His heart pounded in fear of the beast about to maul him, but there was nothing but trees and sparse shrubs as far as he could see. Had he imagined things?

He lowered his eyes, but he felt a sinking chill over his heart before he could even sigh in relief. Dark fur covered every inch of his body. The claw he thought belonged to some vicious beast was his. The human clenched and unclenched his paw over and over, his eyes shaking as if the thing would go away if he stared at it hard enough. Yet, it remained. A fresh stream of tears dripped down his face. The human, if he could still call himself that, shook his head slowly and his lips quivered.

He wanted to scream. All of this made absolutely no sense in the slightest. What happened to him? He tried to think back to the last thing he remembered— and then his train of thought collapsed like a house of cards. No matter how hard he tried to peer into his memories, a void so profoundly empty fogged his mind. His fur stood on end and his breathing grew erratic as panic took further hold of him.

The human knelt and beat his head on the ground, clenching a fistful of leaves as his claws dug into dirt. Why couldn't he remember anything? He clasped his head, wincing as his claws prickled into his dense fur. Th-This couldn't be right. There… there had to be something he could remember. He faced the fog in his mind, mentally ripping through the nothingness in desperation. Even as his head burned more fiercely and a dizzying nausea churned his stomach, he refused to relent. A single glimmer appeared at last. It was so faint and distant that he would've easily missed it. He gritted his teeth and reached for it through the fog, as a faded memory crossed his mind.

I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…

We failed, and it's all… it's all…

Yes, you're right. There's still hope.

This might be the only way…

Hiro… when you wake up… you must find me.

Th
e human fell onto his side and gasped for air. His head throbbed more painfully than ever before, and he felt ready to throw up whatever meager contents of his stomach he might have had. What was that memory? He could only hear a voice, but he already yearned for the comforting familiarity it carried. He had no idea what the person was talking about or who they were. Maybe they were a friend of his? A faint smile found its way to his lips at that possibility. It wasn't much, but now he had more than a purely blank slate to work with. Also…

"Hiro… is that my name?" Though hoarse, Hiro's voice still sounded soft and somewhat high pitched. A part of him somehow knew he should've sounded different. Though like everything else about his real identity, he had no real way of knowing. Soon he closed his eyes, and immediately went out cold.



Peach clouds, dyed from the late noon sun, drifted across the sky by the time Hiro woke up. He groaned and rubbed his eyes, flinching when fur brushed his face. Right, he'd turned into some kind of creature. His heart quivered and he took steady breaths to quell it.

Hiro decided to get moving before evening approached. His headache had abated a bit during his brief sleep, but now he felt terribly parched. Maybe he could find a vast lake nearby, or a gentle stream. Perhaps even a gushing river snaking through the forest somewhere. Only problem was that he couldn't tell up from down from where he sat. The nearest body of water could be days' worth of travel for all he knew. If fate smiled upon him, he might stumble upon one and sate his thirst before exhaustion wore him down, or a hungry beast picked him off as an easy meal. He gulped at just the thought of such awful scenarios.

Hiro pushed himself to his feet and sighed in relief. He could stand up without problem, but could he walk in his new body? In trying to take a step, his leg kicked forward with far more strength than expected. He yowled and screwed his eyes shut, anticipating to pitch face-first to the ground. Nothing happened. Surprised, He peeked an eye open and found himself crouched forward with his foot planted in the ground. The other one had dug claws halfway into soil to prop him up, leaving Hiro in an awkward half-running pose.

It was then that the fan of feathers glued to his rump introduced themselves. Hiro glanced over his shoulder to get a better look at them as he fixed his posture. Did the feathers aid his balance? It sure felt that way, as they'd tilt and flick each time he looked like he was about to faceplant to the ground. He had another one on his head too for some reason. A swarm of questions flooded his head over how he as a furred creature would have feathers at all, but he silenced his mind after failing to come to any conclusions. He decided not to question how his strange new body worked until later, sometime when he wasn't worried about basic sustenance and his own life and limb.

Hiro took baby steps around the clearing to get himself used to walking. A few minutes passed before he could make it all the way from one end to the other without wobbling like a slinky toy. He smiled at his progress, a tinge of wonder twinkling in his eyes. Now he could get moving along in earnest. His ears skimmed the surrounding sounds to pick a direction to follow when he heard faint sounds of flowing water coming towards his left and walked deeper into the forest.



Fate smiled upon Hiro after all. A river happened to be a few minutes' walk away from where he'd woken up. He approached nervously and caught a glimpse of a pair of deer-like creatures-that curiously had pink fur coats-drinking from the river bank. He'd barely taken a step on a patch of dirt when a twig snapped beneath his foot with an audible crack. The deer-like creatures seemed to hear it, as they sprang up in alarm and scurried back into the cover of forest. Hiro pursed his lips in a frown. He wished he'd gotten a better look at them; what in the world were they? Thankfully, his disappointment proved short lived, as he made his way to a calm tributary to quench his thirst.

Hiro dipped his paws in to cup some of the water at first, and it all but drained through his claws. Clearly his paws weren't intended to be used as makeshift bowls. Sighing – and without any brighter ideas – he leaned forward and dipped his muzzle into the water to drink.

Fresh cold water bathed Hiro's throat like rainfall after a long drought, invigorating his very soul. He took gulp after gulp till he had his fill, then pulled his face back with a satisfied sigh. That was the first drink he'd had as far as he could remember. For all he knew, it was the first drink he'd ever had in this body. Hiro lowered his eyes, staring despondently along with the flowing currents for some time.

He looked around and found a calm pool nestled between the rocks along the riverbank downstream. He made his way over, and found that the surface was still enough to reflect objects in it, including his own face. A face looking like a cross between a cat and a weasel stared back at him, adorned with a yellow gem in his forehead. He… he looked kind of cute? The moment he made eye contact with his reflection, the name 'Sneasel' sprung to his mind without prompt as if his mind had picked it out from a glossary list in its deepest recesses. Hiro shook his head with a sigh.

First, he lost all his memories, and now he knew things he couldn't possibly have. Hiro squished his cheeks in his palms and growled in frustration. He wrapped his arms around his legs and tapped his knee frantically. There were silver linings to his situation. Sneasel was a Pokemon

That word popped into his mind out of nowhere too, and it gave him goosebumps. He clenched a fist and exhaled a huff. The pink deer from earlier must've been Pokemon too. He didn't know their species however. Could he only identify a Pokemon's species if he could see their face? Hiro wondered if the person, or thing, that brought him to this strange world gave him the cognitive ability as a gift. Who knew? Maybe he had other gifts he didn't know about yet to discover too.

Hiro's heart drummed at whatever implications might come of that. He shook away the distracting thoughts and brought his mind back to his current situation. Before anything else, he needed to find some form of shelter. A place to find food as well. If his claws and fuzzy feline frame were anything to go by, it would likely be in the form of meat. Of course, he had no idea how to hunt in his current state either. If there had been a school of fish swimming in the river then perhaps an outdoor roast would've been on the menu… assuming he had some way of starting a fire. However, all he could find in the water were rocks and green algae draping their sides. He… wasn't desperate enough to find out what the latter tasted like. Not yet, at least.

Food would have to wait. A dead leaf snapped off a branch overhead and drifted to the water's surface, waiting for no one as it floated downriver. Hiro squinted his eyes and thought. Where there was a body of water, there were bound to be people living by it at some point. Without further deliberation, Hiro got up and, followed the river's course. With luck, perhaps he'd stumble upon a village or something.



Hiro's paw found an easy grip on a mossy boulder, letting him hoist himself over. He hadn't expected the riverbank to leave a carpet of rocks in his path. The draining exercise left a growing hunger to gnaw at his stomach, which made him groan and sit down for a quick break. The river beside him poured tirelessly on its downstream course, though the forest was already quieting down for slumber. Orange streaks dyed the clouds as evening cast a dark shade from the other horizon. He couldn't even sense much life loitering about him anymore. There was just him and the river.

Hiro sighed wearily, and considered camping out for the night when his stomach growled in protest. He sighed again and slid down the rock. A smooth pebble by his foot caught his eye, and he picked it up to feel its surface. Hiro considered tossing it into the water, but he squinted and pinched his brow in annoyance. There were better times to be distracted. He still had some time before the sun dipped behind the horizon, and he wanted to keep moving till then. At least that was the plan until he heard beeps coming from the trees.

Hiro's fur stood on end and he stiffened up. He sprang back to his feet and resumed marching along the river, afraid of even looking back to see what was following him. The beeps only drew closer the longer he walked. Someone, or something, was surely stalking him, and they weren't doing a good job at hiding it. Was it a bandit? A hungry beast? He didn't know which of the two he'd rather try his luck with. Hiro clenched his fists and took a sharp turnaround.

"Hey! I know you're following me! Come out and show yourself! It'll save you the trouble, won't it?" Hiro yelled, swinging his outstretched claws out to look as threatening as he could. Frigid blood rushed through his veins, and he tried his best to hide his trembling as he waited for his stalkers to reveal themselves.

A silent breeze swept leaves off the ground, then three cone headed figures emerged from the shadows of the forest. Hiro cast a careful gaze on his guests, memorizing every detail he could about them. Their appearance struck him as otherworldly, yet familiar. Though like before, nothing concrete reached his mind aside from the word: 'Beheeyem'.

Their ovoid eyes stared him down. He didn't know how he was sensing it, but the chill of malice radiated off them like a rotting stench. A cold shiver went up the full length of Hiro's spine. He took a step back without thinking, only stopping to breathe when a puddle splashed beneath his foot. They absolutely weren't giving him a good first impression! Behind him was the churning river and ahead of him stood the trio. Hiro would have to go through them to reach the forest. They'd backed him against a wall, and he quietly cursed under his breath at that realization.

"Who on earth are you guys?" Hiro asked, a deep growl rumbling in his throat.

His question was answered with twitching and flickering lights from the Beheeyem's colorful fingers. Hiro squinted his eyes. "I really don't understand what you're… saying."

Again, no response. A suffocating silence took hold of the forest floor as the trio of foreign pokemon remained in place, their eyes fixed on Hiro like they'd just discovered a curious specimen. He tightened his left paw around its pebble and returned a sharp glare, not so much as stopping to blink. Time drew to a lull during the brief staring game. The gushing river was all that broke the deafening silence. Everything about them was so unnerving that Hiro just wanted to make a break for it.

As it turned out, he didn't need to wait long for them to break end the stand off. The Beheeyem on the left outstretched its arm with sparks dancing at its fingertips. Hiro swiped his paw with all his might and flung the pebble through the air like a missile to its target. It struck the Beheeyem with a loud thunk right above its eye. The Beheeyem erupted in a loud screech, before a misfired sizzling bolt burst from its hand. Hiro's body reacted before his mind did. His tail fanned to the side and he sprung out of harm's way just in time for the attack to zip past him, lightning bolts snapping at the water's edge when it crashed into the river.

Hiro's shock at the lightshow lasted only a moment. He shot forward at the other two, claws outstretched as he ran with reckless abandon. The Beheeyem zipped out of the way to avoid Hiro's mindless claw swipes.

Another standoff played out. The felled Beheeyem hovered off the ground and snapped its head upright, a motion that made Hiro's stomach squirm. Tension choked the air as the Beheeyem eyed Hiro cautiously, and his feather flicked at every sound from the woods behind him.

Hiro took a sharp turn and bolted for the forest. Just as he reached the shade of tree cover, a bright light lit up the right side of his vision and a searing pain cleaved through his hip. Hiro cringed in pain and clutched tightly at the fresh wound. He bit his lips to force back a scream, eyes narrowing to slits as he gazed back at the Beheeyem. The eyes on that same Beheeyem that got up carried a dimming glow. It wasn't hard to put two and two together. Despite it all, Hiro pushed himself as hard as he could and pressed onward.

Ear piercing beeps resounded from behind, letting him know the Beheeyem were still giving chase, and kept his feet firmly running. Rows upon rows of towering trees whisked past Hiro's vision, seeming to shift out of his path. Were his eyes playing tricks on him? He didn't dwell on it. There was a better time to stop and wonder about it.

After sprinting for some time, Hiro pressed his back against a tree to catch his breath. He glanced at the paw held firmly to his hip and found it red with blood. In the dim twilight, it looked just as dark as the rest of his fur. The pain from the wound hadn't sunk in yet thanks to the adrenaline pumping through his blood. Even so, he had to squeeze his eyes shut as tears threatened to force their way out. A cold feeling slithered into his heart and his whole body wouldn't stop trembling.

Beep

Hiro straightened his back right away. The Beheeyem caught up to him already? He surely thought he'd run far enough to lose them and yet… He peeked off the side of the tree and caught one of them hovering just off in the distance. They casted surveying glances around the forest floor. Maybe they hadn't found him yet. Even so, the Beheeyem was slowly nearing the tree he used as cover. It'd only be a matter of time before it discovered him if he just stayed put.

Hiro looked down and spotted a sturdy fallen branch at his feet, and he quickly picked it up in his claws. He bit his lip and waited, dying the end of the stick in blood as he gripped hard on it. His ears trembled and twitched, keeping surveillant for the beeps. They grew louder, and closer. Then, Hiro leapt out of cover and swung the branch down with all his might. The branch fell like an anvil, but froze in the air inches from the Beheeyem's face.

Hiro widened his eyes. A bluish glow surrounded the branch, and it matched the shimmer in the Beheeyem's eyes. The Sneasel tried to break his weapon free even as his wounded hip burned with agonizing pain. His eyes quivered, but he gnashed his teeth to fight back the foreboding cold spreading to his chest.

The Beheeyem tilted their head, as if curious about their pitifully struggling prey. They flexed a finger and the branch was sent flying, carrying Hiro along with it. The Sneasel yowled as he pinwheeled through the air and crashed into a tree.

Hiro crumpled to the ground. As he frantically tried to push himself to his feet and run. His head suddenly grew dizzy. Though he'd managed to stand back up, he fell like a dropped needle and sent leaves fluttering about. Hiro struggled to move, and he could feel a seeping warmth dampening his waist. Had he lost too much blood? If only he'd come up with something better than the gamble he pulled earlier. He struggled to keep his eyes open, staring blankly at the trees that danced and blurred in his vision.

Just nearby, he could feel someone approaching. The Beheeyem most likely. Who else would still be making those beeps? A low growl rumbled in his throat, but he didn't even have the strength to glare daggers at his pursuers.

Hiro's heart grew heavy and he failed to suppress his whimpers. Just like that, he'd woken up in a bizarre world and already he was about to die without so much as being told why. His consciousness slowly slipped away, he didn't know if he'd ever wake up again. Perhaps fate had never smiled on him to begin with if this was the sort of cruel ending he'd meet. Just before the world faded to black, a bright yellow light lit up his eyes.

"Help has arrived!" a booming voice yelled, followed by another flashing light and the crack of something being struck down by thunder. Hiro couldn't make sense of what was going on. Had someone come to save him? Why? He felt a warm tap on his shoulder.

"Rest…," said a second voice. It was wispy – almost ethereal.

Hiro closed his eyes and moaned. It was all too much, and so very confusing. It didn't concern him anymore though. He drew a long breath, exhaled, and the world grew silent…

Special thanks to @Spiteful Murkrow and @SparklingEspeon for beta reading this chapter.[/respace]

8/14/22: Minor dialogue tweaks in a few areas

There's a lot of emphasis on water in this opening chapter. The way Hiro describes waking "as if he'd woken up a morning after swimming the length of the ocean floor", the way he spies his reflection in the river, the way he dunks his head into it to drink. It calls to mind baptism, rebirth, new identities and new beginnings. A second chance. It's escape from death, a form of control in allowing yourself to be swept away by the flood.

Hiro is mostly reactive throughout these opening sequences. But I liked the little moments where he asserted autonomy by following the river or the tension of hiding from the Beheeyem. They're use largely stems from being the antagonists in Super, but I also like the contrast of alien imagery with the natural world of the forest. It heightens the sense of unreality Hiro is experiencing and the tension of the scene. They come across inhuman and terrifying, further enforcing Hiro's own divorce from humanity.

It's too early for me to remark on what the change meeting Ampharos now will mean for the story. I assume it will cut out the opening school portion, and as such, we'll also be moving away from the emphasis on childhood and the relations formed between children and adults. It could be a missed opportunity, considering Hiro has been reborn and yet to experience 'growing up' in this form, but we'll just have to wait and see.

Thoughts on prose:

I wasn't crazy at first about how early descriptions made Hiro and his body feel like separate entities. Lines like 'The human snapped his eyes open' and 'tried to raise his body again' could've easily been written as 'The human opened his eyes' and 'tried to rise', which conveys the same information without sounding like Hiro has been possessed. However, I concede that since Hiro has just transformed, this dichotomy actually does make sense. I'm still not the biggest fan. The 'human gets used to their body' opening tends to be a pet peeve of mine--I rarely if ever come away with the sense that it reveals anything of note about the character or the setting. It's almost always overcome within a short period of time, because otherwise it'd be tedious to read about the protagonist in a constant fight acclimating to their body, and just isn't terribly interesting. I did enjoy the scene where Hiro flared out his tail feathers, though. That was cute.

Sometimes adjectives were used more often than perhaps necessary. It gave the sentences an odd, cluttered feel at certain points. An example: "Maybe he could find a vast lake nearby, or a gentle stream. Perhaps even a gushing river snaking through the forest somewhere." I'm not sure why Hiro would care if a river is gushing or not--it would make sense for a description upon finding a river, not as a stray thought.

It also sometimes felt like longer, more archaic words were inserted into sentences. Gave them a slightly awkward flow. "His ears trembled and twitched, keeping surveillant for the beeps." Why not just swap out 'keeping surveillant' for alert?

I liked the descriptions for the fight scene, though. It was paced well and easy to visualize. I also really liked this line: "There was just him and the river." It was simple yet evocative of Hiro's current isolation. And there's a certain irony to it, as we're swift to realize he's not actually alone.

Thanks for sharing. Here's a poem that reminded me of Weaversong.

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me; so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.
 

MintyMimix

Otherworldly Dessert
Location
Florida
Pronouns
They/Them
Partners
  1. lurantis
  2. noivern-astrea
Review Blitz time!

I will preface this by saying Super Mystery Dungeon fics are a bit difficult for me to roll through, but the description and protagonist choices piqued my interest. Let's see how this one will go against the usual beats!

Chapter 1

If there is one thing that is consistent throughout this fic, it’s a wonderful choice of imagery that weaves a song (hehe) of both grounded realism and more fantastical flights. Take for example:
His whole body ached, as if he'd woken up a morning after swimming the length of the ocean floor.
It helps to give that feeling of fatigue, pressure, and breathlessness that Hiro feels in a succinct yet vivid description. Wonderful stuff.

Tall evergreen swayed gently with the winds, their branches spread out and huddling together. The clear blue of a daytime sky filtered sunlight through gaps in the foliage, dotting the ground with bright splotches.
Am I reading a fic, or looking at a painting? I can’t stress enough how wonderful this imagery is.

Though like everything else about his real identity, he had no real way of knowing.
So “Hiro” could just be a literal mishearing of “hero”, or perhaps a nickname given by his partner? Maybe I'm reading too much into this detail.

I do like how it takes a bit of time for Hiro to adjust to his new form. Small details that ultimately help with the out-of-body experience and just how utterly lost our Hiro is.

"Hey! I know you're following me! Come out and show yourself! It'll save you the trouble, won't it?" Hiro yelled, swinging his outstretched claws out to look as threatening as he could.
Oooh, our Hiro is a bit more daring than anticipated! Scared, but willing to take a risk and try to bluff out danger. Let’s see how he responds to the Beheeyem…

Hiro swiped his paw with all his might and flung the pebble through the air like a missile to its target. It struck the Beheeyem with a loud thunk right above its eye.
…Go, Pebble! Beheeyem flinched! A fun improvised attack. And looks like our Hiro is trapped in a dungeon now with a failed second improvised attack. Ouch!

"Help has arrived!" a booming voice yelled, followed by another flashing light and the crack of something being struck down by thunder.
Oho, is that good old Ampharos? Now you’ve got my attention. Right off the bat, we’re already diverging from canon and skipping straight past the school section, it seems. Though what does this mean for the partner, then?

I think my one particular critique of the chapter is the use of the single word “Beep” for the sound effect of the chasing Beheeyem; it came across as more as a tap on the shoulder rather than the call of an alien figure chasing down a lost, confused soul. I think focusing on the sheer “strange factor” of the noise with a sentence long description rather than strictly onomatopoeia would work there. Otherwise, I am loving this imagery, prose, description, and word choice so far and am intrigued by the changes you’re setting up so far! Onward to Chapter 2!

Chapter 2
A while later, Hiro began to stir, groaning softly as his mind stitched itself back together.
Slight nitpick here: comma splice. “A while later, Hiro began to stir” is a complete sentence and there’s no conjunction between the clauses. This is where a dash would come in.

I will, however, commend you for the use of the “languid”. I learned something new today!
Light trickled in from a small window, kindling a shimmer over the two empty beds next to him, both tucked in flaps of bedsheets around corners. He turned his eyes to the door standing at the far end of the room, then at the other sitting ajar on the left corner. Their rough woody frames would make for perfect scratching pos—
Hiro immediately resists his cat urges. That got a chuckle out of me. He should scratch regularly though; it’s good for his claws! Also, I know I’ve repeated myself here, but I cannot emphasize how stellar your word choice is. It really helps to sell the cozy yet pragmatic nature of the building with an incredible emphasis on the way a scene is lit up. Your artistic skills really bleed into your prose and I am enthralled by it!

Mebh’s personality is so wonderfully whimsical yet reclusive; it makes for a unique combination and a perfectly strange “first contact” candidate for our Hiro. “Mebh”, “Hiro”, “Atlas”… there seem to be a lot of mythical or heroic figures in the naming scheme; I’m curious is this is something that translates to ordinary civilians or even villains. It’s a very telling set of names for certain!

"You… are strange."
Look who’s talking! Still, I guess that sort-of answers my question. Just “Mienshao”, huh? Wonder if that’s a social custom, or if he really does not have a name. It seems to be the former since he insists on calling Hiro “Sneasel”, but I wonder…

A rouge cape embroidered with a pair of thunderbolts crossed over one another hung around his back, concealing some of the black bands around his neck.
Dang, our dashing wanderer’s got drip!

Hiro raised his left paw to answer, but the answer to the question danced across the grooves of his brain like an acrobat, elusive and beyond the edge of realization.
I have never once heard someone struggling to think of something described like this, yet I love so, so much. I might have to use this sometime, to be honest!

Atlas noted that Hiro was in a “low distortion” dungeon, so it appears they have a tiering and identification system for dungeons. Curious as to if the story will dive a bit deeper into it as time goes on. It also makes me wonder how tied to the events of prior games this story might be; Gates to Infinity did establish mapping dungeons through ley lines, after all.

“People?” Atlas muttered to himself, finding the word strange and unfamiliar.
I do like the small nod to Meloetta. It helps give a bit more of a mystical touch to the world and something greater than the window we see through Hiro, and that also goes for the fact that the phrase “people” is considered a foreign one!

Hiro having an immediate point of contact that could potentially help restore his memories (Hatterene) is mechanically nice; it gives him something to be actively seeking rather than waiting and hoping something good happens to him.

Oho, Nuzleaf makes a good point. Now that there’s targets on the Beheeyems’ heads, there’s no way they wouldn’t be caught if they tried to enact their plans like they did in canon. Forced to work in the shadows just because Atlas around and Sneasel being dark-type… I’m intrigued to see how this all twists the canon into something new. Especially since the partner is missing in action!

Chapter 3

(Less quotes on this chapter since I read it on my phone!)

Exploration Gadget! Magitech is always fun, and it's a good way to introduce more egregiously anachronistic tech like the Connection Orb early on. I do like how Atlas is pulling a Roronoa Zoro here; I can't remember if lacking a sense of direction was canon trait or not, but it's endearing to see in full display here either way.

Hiro not knowing the written language is certainly interesting though; one would think might considering certain circumstances in PSMD's ending, but I digress. It's a good flaw and will make things challenging when he eventually does have to navigate areas on his own!

Hiro may have lost his memories, but he had a gut feeling the world he was from didn't have anything with a 'screen' that changed colors and lights with the touch of one's claw tips.
Now this is immensely fascinating. So, Hiro, if he is from a human world, came from a low tech era. I suppose if he [PSMD Spoilers] truly has done this for many cycles it would make total chronological sense. Poor guy. At least he can enjoy the wonders through magitech here!

More Sneasel instincts. Both an endearing touch and potentially terrifying implications if Hiro's instincts overtook him or if his body used to belong to someone else.

Chasm dungeons that can only be exited from their entrance, huh? So that explains the optional dungeons in games that are purely meant for grinding. Awful for the people in universe trying to find their way around, though.

Mebh hits just the right balance of creepy and adorable. I like her and can see where some of the influence for a certain Dodra character comes from now.

Honestly, I'm glad Mebh was able to have a positive training effect with Hiro, and that Hiro enjoyed it! Hiro has a bit of a prideful streak to him, so I was somewhat expecting him to meet the challenge with frustrated defeat, so I'm pleasantly surprised to see him take it on so gracefully! Perhaps that's the Pokémon instincts making a love for the battle itself? I did see hints of wild traits like the growling and fang showing.

The art is so lovely oh my goodness. Cuuuuute!

Interesting dream... A lot of garden and wheel imagery (Arceus and Shaymin), and, of course, a bewildered Mew. [PSMD Spoilers] Which is especially interesting, considering who the PSMD partner is. Did they even recognize Hiro, or were they just confused about a “random Sneasel” coming in? There seems to be a lot of seeds planted for future plot threads here, but I don't have enough information to make too many theories just yet. Still some neat imagery though!

Teal-green cloth, huh? Like a Harmony Scarf, I wonder? That was really nice of Mebh, though. She really does just seem misunderstood.

"On second thought, maybe not. That sounded even sillier."
Don't worry Hiro, it's not "ExtremeSpeed" at least! :wink:

New characters! A grass-type ran café with a Sceptile barkeep, a Maractus server(?), a Steenee manager(?), and a Roselia with a tea recipe whom seems flustered by the attention the tea gets. And apparently the grandson of Atlas!

Aberrant Dungeon sounds like a high distortion classification. Which absolutely means Hiro is gonna stumble into one at some point. :Lol:

I'll be honest, I thought the term "joust" was just Atlas being showy and archaic, but nope, Pokémon battles are legitimately called jousts in this world. I love it.

Oh... Roselia's mother is gone, and he talks to what's left of her... Aw. :sadwott:

He had strange dreams too…? And ones of grandeur no less!

"Only fools were swept up by dreams."
Looks like someone's got some past baggage to work through. Could his bitterness towards pursuing one’s own desires / not settling for mediocracy ended up be due to what happened to his mother?

All in all, I adore the characterization here and your imagery is top notch as always. The vagueness of some of the hinting in the dreams definitely made me speedread just a bit, but I'm still intrigued as to how will pay off. Liking this so far and will definitely keep an eye on it even after Blitz! :quag:
 

JFought

Sloooowly writing...
Location
HCL
Pronouns
they/them
Partners
  1. jfought-sword
  2. jfought-blue
  3. deerling-summer
  4. charmeleon
  5. vulpix
  6. monferno
I caught up on this fic a little while ago, and hey, three chapters, I think I can make a review for that! My knowledge of the fic when I first went in is basically the summary. Also the art is absolutely adorable, Hiro in general is adorable actually. Anyway, the last time I reviewed something of yours was on a different site, and I'm interested to see what you're up to these days, especially with an eye-catching title like "Weaversong." So let's get to it! Thoughts!

Thoughts on Chapters 1 to 3
  • Hiro wakes up! Like a lot of PMD stories, you spend this chapter focusing on the immediate moments surrounding Hiro’s awakening. I do think you handle it well, we get a little bit of intrigue with the message from presumably Mew, and the fight scene with the Beheeyem was well done. You did well to make them feel threatening here. And of course, the chapter ends with the point of divergence and Ampharos' (or Atlas') dramatic rescue.

  • I’m not exactly well-versed in prose critique, so I can only say so much, but what I can say is that your writing style here is very colorful and detailed. You paint pretty much everything with some kind of metaphor or adjective, and it makes for an interesting read! There are times where it can be a bit distracting, but I think overall it’s a good style for this story, and I noticed that by Chapter 3 you seemed to have refined it into something that flows pretty nicely while still keeping its good points.

  • I love Mebh she is amazing. Her mannerisms are adorable, her dynamic with Hiro is adorable, the scene in Chapter 3 was great, the little backstory we learned from Atlas is precious, I genuinely really love this character. Oh yeah, Atlas is there too. I like your portrayal of him! You put your own spin on him while also staying true to the original character. His experience is played up a bit more, but I like that you still balance it with his sillier side, and the result is a pretty fun take on the character. We don’t know about the rest of the Expedition Society yet, though it does sound like you’ve expanded their roster a bit. So time will tell on that front.

  • We see Nuzleaf and the Beheeyem for a brief moment. Nuzleaf seems to have dropped his accent in this story, which is up to personal preference, but besides that if I do have to criticize something about him here, it’s that he doesn’t really feel like the same character. This is just one scene, so it’s not exactly a complete showcase of your portrayal of him, but I didn’t really get any sense of character from him beyond “he is the bad guy,” so I’m not really super interested in him right now. It is interesting that he has Xatu though. I can’t help but wonder how this is going to come up later.

  • I don't have too many thoughts on Hiro as a protagonist, as we're still pretty early in the story, though one thing that I find interesting about him so far is that there seems to be a mental tug-of-war going on between Hiro’s human and Sneasel halves. When it comes to his mannerisms, the Sneasel side usually wins, as he has to stop himself from doing things that only make sense as a human and almost always gives in to his Sneasel instincts. But it isn’t just mannerisms, it shows in the narration, too. There are a lot of metaphors that only really make sense when you consider that at some point in his human experience, he knew what these things were (“house of cards,” “acrobat,” “inkblot on a white canvas”), not to mention the images that come to his mind occasionally. And here is where the human side usually wins, as whenever the Sneasel side comes out in the narration, Hiro interrupts it. It’s an interesting dynamic, and does a lot to subtly build up the inner conflict he’s going through. And with that moment in Chapter 3 where Hiro freaks out a bit at the question of what he is, it does seem like something that’s going to continue to come up later.

  • I really like the imagery in the dream-sequence, it's really imaginative, (I particularly like how you open it with the great imagery of the wheel falling on a floating platform, which gives us pretty much everything we need to imagine the scene while also being dynamic). And we get a little glimpse of Mew, too! It raises a lot of questions regarding Mew's nature in this fic, but I'm assuming it's going to be a while before we learn the answers to them.

  • We get a scene with the Grass-Type café. I’m assuming the Roselia is going to come into play as a more important character later, but I can only assume. I only know vague bits and pieces about Blacklight, but I’m assuming his dreams are supposed to be a reference? I know you RP’d him there, and I’m assuming this will probably be as far as the references go, but it is interesting to see it brought up.
As for errors and smaller critiques:
He whimpered from the sparks of pain that dug into his flesh, winced at muddled voices surrounding him in all directions, and felt like a suffocating from something being tightly wrapped around him.
I think this is a typo? It’s a bit weird, and I’m not quite sure what you intended.

I didn't think she'd do my job for me while I was away"
Missing the period here.

"You have amnesia? Hmmm… I'd cite those Beheeyem as the cause, but memory alteration is a delicate process. Would they have gotten the chance…? No, that's unlikely." Atlas propped his back against the wall behind them and frowned slightly. "Besides, a dark type like you should have some resistance to mental tampering of that sort."

"What could those mon possibly have wanted to do with an empty-handed Sneasel?" Atlas brought a fin to his chin and narrowed his eyes. Gears turned in his head as he considered possibilities. "What can you remember? Even the smallest of hints could prove vital for our investigation."
I did a bit of a double take here. I feel that, if you're going to end the first paragraph with Atlas speaking just to start the next one with him speaking more, then at that point you might as well just combine them. It would save the reader the confusion of thinking Hiro's speaking before realizing it's just Atlas again.

"Yes, everymon was talking about it in Barking grove. It's the first thing y'hear soon as you walk into any tavern…"

Roselia walked into the garden overlooking the porch.
“Overlooking the porch” makes me think the garden is raised above it. Unless I’m missing something, I think you mean “overlooked by the porch.”
Since we’re completely skipping the Serene Village section, I can already tell this story will be drastically different from PSMD. Even just the feel of it from what I’ve read so far very much reads as “this is something completely different using PSMD a base.” Because of that, I’m genuinely interested to see where you take this story. I don’t really feel like I can rely on my PSMD knowledge here, and that does make things a bit exciting because of the amount of different directions you can take this in. And I'm very interested in finding out why this fic is called "Weaversong." also i want to see more mebh. I know it's been a while since the last update, so I wish you the best of luck with writing Chapter 4! I look forward to it!
 
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Chapter 4: Church, Caudle, Furlong

Adamhuarts

Mew specialist
Partners
  1. mew-adam
  2. celebi-shiny
  3. roserade-adam
Chapter Four: Church, Caudle, Furlong


Snow crunched beneath their feet with each step they took, the frigid mountain winds threatening to push them back down the slope on their way up. Hiro and his newfound companions prevailed through the tug of war and reached the top. At long last, Drago's Watch revealed itself atop a charred black mountain. Nestled among the snowcapped spires surrounding it, Drago's Watch evoked the ferocity of dragons whose very existence defied nature. There were striking black spires that clawed their way out of stone to form a bony barrier caging the outpost in, and many more jutting out like dragon spines.

Did Hiro's eyes deceive him? He blinked a few times, wiped snow off his muzzle, and yet the largest cliff on that snowless mountain still looked like a dragon's head roaring at the heavens. Did such a mountain always exist like that from the beginning? Someone must've carved it that way, surely.

Atlas broke Hiro out of his enchantment with a tap on his shoulder and offering a remark.

"Rest assured, we will still arrive by sun-down at our current pace," Atlas said as he took a few steps forward, paused a moment, then called Hiro over to lead the way.

Hiro quirked a brow. Aside from the winding path below that snaked its way to the front gates of the outpost, there wasn't anything as far as the eye could see that'd make one lost. The Sneasel wondered what was up with Atlas' sense of direction... Was he always like that? Hiro had a few odd quirks of his own like the incessant purring whenever he got excited, or his ears moving on their own at the slightest of sounds. Perhaps Atlas' condition was just a trait of his kind too.

Curious as Hiro was, he found it intrusive to prod so he took up the Expedition gadget and walked ahead. Having climbed up their way so far, Hiro heaved a relieved sigh that their destination was finally upon them.

They arrived with sore limbs and ice flakes clinging to their fur—or costume in Mebh's case—from hiking up the mountain pass.

Luckily for them, they hardly had trouble finding an inn to rest at for the night, as well as a dragon lift to fly them to Lively Town the following morning. Both the innkeeper and the Salamence carrier seemed almost a little too friendly—when the party approached, they perked up and put on smiles that the other customers didn't get. Hiro thought that was a little strange, but as they made their way to their rooms to lay down their packs, it hit him: any person not living under a rock would recognize Atlas right away. Those who didn't know his face had at least heard about the striking crossed thunderbolts embroidered on the back of his cape.

Especially if the titles of 'Chief of The Expedition Society' or 'Wandering Thunder' carried any power, which they clearly did.

After a quick meal, Atlas allowed Hiro and Mebh to freely explore the small outpost town at their insistence.

…..

The soreness of travel burned freshly in Hiro's limbs, but that hardly deterred the pulsing in his chest from just thinking about exploring what Drago's Watch had to offer. It was the first town they'd been to in days, and the first to have anything more advanced than rocky dens and huts. Hiro wanted to take in as much of it as he could before they leave in the morning.

A pair of large dragon statues sat just at the end of the road leading out of the inn. They were crafted in the likeness of stiff-winged birds. Hiro observed that the dragons had no legs, though they had short clawed arms. Whoever they might have been, did they not need to walk?

Hiro peeked at their faces to learn their names, but nothing sprung to his mind. Maybe he could only recognize Pokemon that were alive... Hiro idly scraped a claw on the statue's base when he caught a Fraxure giving him odd looks. Guards? He looked menacing enough even without sturdy armor or pikes in hand. The statues must've held great importance. He slowly balled his claw and stepped back. The Fraxure shrugged and went about their way. It was only when the dragon turned their back to him that Hiro noticed the sack of potatoes they were carrying.

Hiro moved on from the statues and wandered some more. Each building they came across seemed to be built with bricks forged out of dragon fire and brimstone. They were generally simple in construction with little of the way of adornments. What few lavish ones the town had were painted in muted colors, their bodies molded in the image of mighty dragon heads, claws, tails and everything in between. The whole town made Hiro feel like he was walking atop the body of a dragon slain by forgotten gods a long time ago.

Mebh didn't share Hiro's enthusiasm for exploration, always lagging steps behind while Hiro walked with a spring in his steps. Her gaze wandered about, never settling on anything more than a few seconds before drifting to another, then a spray of snow struck her in the face. She snapped her gaze at Hiro with a hiss only to find him speeding up one of the buildings.

"The race is on, Mebh!" Hiro flashed a grin at her from his perch, and then vanished in a cloud of speckled dust.

A trail of white flowed behind him as he raced ahead on the rooftops. Scaling up the buildings came easy—most of them were so rough and jagged that his claws had no trouble finding a good grip to hoist himself over. Being above the ground below soaked Hiro's heart with a sense of ease, like a bird that learned to fly and could no longer imagine a life on the ground.

Mebh wouldn't let herself lose so easily a second time, shooting over him like a harpoon and landing ahead. Soon he was the one chasing her and not the other way round.

Their race brought them all the way to the top of the tallest dragon spine tower, where a conclusion was met and a winner declared.

"You sure you… didn't go easy on me last night?" asked Hiro, hunched over with all his feathers drooped like withered leaves.

Mebh bobbed her head and cooed triumphantly in response while Hiro dropped to his rump to take a deep breath. He flashed the Mimikyu a thumbs up, leaving their score at one to one.

The two companions then shared a quiet moment watching wispy clouds sailing across the sky ahead, painted a bright peach by the remnant luminance of the setting sun far in the distance.

Mebh snuggled up Hiro's side, her beady eyes trailing after a Dragonair and Drampa pair far down on the ground, loitering about in the evening cold. The Drampa had a hat with a panache of black feathers, while the Dragonair sported a heavy-looking cloak. Could they be hiding something beneath it?

Hiro noticed Mebh's attention remained fixed on the pair and gulped while he drummed his claw on the stony shingles. "You're not going to… you know… are you? Looks a bit far down if you ask me."

Mebh hissed at him like a cat forced to watch a mouse across a window just barely out of reach. She shook her head, and he sighed in relief. Of course she wouldn't have ambushed those two. Though If she did try anything, would he even be able to stop her at all? He harkened back to the previous night when he first agreed to 'play', brushed his forehead gem and grimaced to himself. Him stopping Mebh? Probably not. That scared him even more.

Hiro crossed his legs and rested his head on his palm. A gust swept over the roof, sending a drifting snowflake onto his nose. It almost made him sneeze. As he wiped his face, he spared another glance at the buildings surrounding them, a stray thought wandering to his mind.

"Why do you think they made their houses like that, Mebh?" asked Hiro. "Do you think the lord of the land told them to do it?"

Mebh's head drooped the other way as she shifted around.

"Not matter," she answered, then plucked her paddle tail to sharpen it against the rough shingles.

Hiro chuckled at her response and shook his head. The air felt so nice that night, like a soft blanket against his fur. Just as he was about to lean back and lie flat on the roof, his feathers twitched—he sensed something—and his fur brambled up by the thousands on his back.

Mebh hissed and held her paddle tail till it almost snapped, while Hiro leapt to his feet, claws outstretched. When they'd climbed the tower, there had been no one there. Now there was a ghost-like being standing on the other edge of the roof. Their jade mantis-like claws hooked on the shingles and their beaten wings draped beside them like tattered curtains. Their eyes burned with a crimson glow, their gaze fixed to the sky as if to rain blood on the heavens above.

Hiro widened his eyes, immediately recognizing the flickering green and black fractal disks drifting around the figure. They reminded him of the ones he'd seen in that dream from the other night, but these ones had a sense of foreboding to them.

"Who are y—"

Before the rest of the question could leave his mouth, Mebh shot forward faster than he could blink. She closed in on the ghostly mantis, swung her tail like a blade. Her tail cut through the air, phasing through the apparition as if it wasn't there.

A sudden gust pushed her back, and the ghostly figure was gone. The air settled and the snowflakes fell from the sky. All was normal again.

Hiro heaved a breath and almost dropped to his knees. Just what was that? He pressed the back of his paw to his chest, and felt his heart drumming.

"That was creepy, right, Mebh?" What strength Hiro had left in his legs evaporated like steam, forcing him to sit down with an agitated growl. He couldn't stop thinking about those crimson eyes... Just who was that?

Mebh scooted up beside the trembling Sneasel and began patting him softly on the head. "Silly Scyther gone. Hiro safe now."

"What are you doing that for?" Hiro asked, raising a brow. He grimaced at the gesture, though he didn't quite move his head away either as she kept doing it. It actually made him feel better, though Hiro didn't want to admit that.

"Let's go back. We should tell Atlas what we saw…" Hiro said, casting another disturbed glance at the empty spot where the Scyther had been.

"No," Mebh answered right away, which made Hiro quirk a brow. "Atlas should not know… danger. Hiro safe now."

Mebh's answer gave Hiro pause. He wanted to press her more about what she meant, but decided against it in the end. If even Mebh was telling him to be wary of what he said around Atlas… Perhaps she understood more than she let on.

…..

Ch4 art.png

Atlas meanwhile stayed behind in the inn, resting on one of the two beds of rolled hay as he waited for Hiro and Mebh's return. Though the Innkeeper offered them the best room at a generous discount, Atlas still chose the one that had just a single window letting in a trickle of moonlight, the two beds opposite one another and a small wooden table. For travelers on the move, it provided everything they needed.

He glanced at the steam wafting from the bowl of hot chesto broth atop the side drawer to his left. A drink like that tasted better while still hot. He pulled the bowl closer and helped himself to a sip, savoring the slightly bitter taste that lingered on his tongue.

After a few more, he set the bowl down to retrieve his expedition gadget. A soft blue light washed over his fur as the device flickered to life. It was time to sift through its message logs, and learn what and how much he'd missed during travel.

In those idle moments, his thoughts harkened back to Mebh and Hiro. The former he'd come across while chasing rumors of a 'ragged specter' terrorizing the countryside, and the latter...

Hiro was even more of a mystery to him than Mebh in a few ways. Even if he only considered the gaps in Hiro's memories, Atlas knew more lay hidden below the surface.

Just where had he come from before they found him nearly dead in Open Pass? A few guesses had sprung to mind in the days that passed. Out of everymon in the Expedition Society, there was only one mon Atlas knew that may hold some clue to the mystery.

Atlas swiped a palm across his gadget's screen to summon a list of names. Each one had a small colorful winged icon corresponding to it. With an upward swipe, he found the name he was looking for and gave it a light tap. While waiting for the connection to establish, he took another sip of chesto broth.

In the time it took him to set the bowl back down, the gadget came back to life with a soft ring. A feminine voice spoke from the other end.

"[I wasn't expecting a call today, Chief.]"

The Ampharos grinned. He could clearly picture in his mind those tired but focused eyes. Always eagle eyed over a sea of papers and artifacts strewn across an office on all the walls, desks and shelves. That was Thena, the Mawile archeologist of the Expedition Society.

"[So, what's the occasion? Did you stumble upon something again this time? An old ruin, an undiscovered dungeon?]" Thena paused for a moment. Something clinked from the speaker. She must've been working on a trinket of some sort. "[Perhaps you've snatched an ancient artifact from an outlaw unlucky enough to cross paths with you?]"

"You're so quick to assume I'm calling because of work, Thena. For all you know, I'm calling because I have grown homesick and wish to return home to my loved ones where I belong," Atlas replied, which earned a dry chuckle from the other end.

"Sure you are. But really, what is this about?]"

"For tonight, it's nothing you could possibly guess. I assure you."

"[Is that so? Then tell me what you have to share.]"

Atlas crossed his legs and placed the gadget beside him on the bed.

"The other day, I rescued a mon in Open Pass. I found him cornered by a trio of Beheeyem bandits, the poor lad." He shifted his weight and leaned forward to sit better. "His elemental cloak was so weak that he would have died had we not shown up when we did."

"[Bandits in Open Pass? We get some of those every now and then, it seems,]" Thena replied, sounding uninterested. To her credit, one could fill a scroll stretching into the horizon with the names of all the mon Atlas had saved in the past, directly or not. So what was one more?

Atlas had a knowing smile on his face, eager to hear her reaction to his next words.

"Church, Caudle, Furlong…" Silence hung in the air as he spoke those words. "Do any of those words mean anything to you?"

Hushed mutters came, followed by shuffling of papers and the creaking of a stool pushed hurriedly across the floor. Atlas could hear all of that from his gadget. He quirked a brow in thought. Getting a strong reaction like that out of Thena was nothing short of rare. The last time he succeeded had been when he retrieved the Grass Cornet from a decrepit tomb.

"[Just where did you hear those words from?]" Thena asked, her voice shaking with urgency.

"From that same mon I saved," Atlas replied without delay. "He was a fellow traveler, or at least I assume he is one." He leaned forward, the yellow flicker of his head gem flashing over the room's walls. "He's a Sneasel that goes by the name Hiro."

"[A named mon? Interesting. How so very… interesting,]" Thena said, the grating rumble of her rear jaw sending ripples over Atlas' chesto broth.

Atlas leaned back, his gem catching the blue tint of the moonlit sky. "He uses words like 'people' when talking about others, asked me if I was a 'constable'. While we were crossing Nectar Meadow, I overheard him stare off into the distance, almost in a daze, and he muttered something about 'horses' and 'knights'."

Thena almost gasped. "[Atlas, do you know where those words came from?]"

"I do not."

"[Right. Of course. Most Pokemon wouldn't, so I don't blame you. They're words of human origin.]"

Atlas furrowed his brows, his eyes darkening while he brought a palm to his chin. "You're suggesting he is one?"

"[Of course not,]" Thena immediately said. "[There are likelier explanations we have to consider first. Where is… A moment please.]"

Something thumped lightly from the Expedition Gadget. Atlas sighed and closed his eyes. He could picture Thena reaching for one of her many shelves, pulling out an old book, and blowing off the dust layers from years of non-use. "[The last human said to visit our world left behind a journal. A highly sought-after relic. The only copy of which had ended in my possession.]"

"I see. And what secrets does the journal hold?"

"[More than you'd imagine, and it sheds some light about this human's life. There have also been others like him across the ages.]"

"Yes, that much I know. Even I have heard my fair share of fairy tales."

"[Indeed. Though the time humans spend on our world is ultimately brief, the impacts they leave behind often persist. Even now there are small scattered cultures where the influence of past humans can be felt.]"

"Such as?"

"[The Town With No Name in the Mist continent for example, where everymon has a name.]" Thena paused, perhaps in thought. "[This Sneasel traveler, Hiro, where did he say he was from? Chances are that he's from one of those places.]"

Atlas sighed and brushed his palm over his chin. Did Hiro ever mention anything about a hometown at any point during their travel? Atlas struggled to point to any instance in his mind. The closest thing he had to an answer were places they went to that seemed to remind Hiro of somewhere. Rolling hills, farm fields, carriages, to name a few.

"He does not remember," he said. "In fact, he hardly remembers anything at all."

"[You're sure he's not intentionally being evasive?]"

"That would make it all the stranger that he'd let the words 'knight' and 'horse' slip, right?" Atlas answered with a short laugh.

"[Yeah, that's a good point,]" Thena chuckled in return. "[Or he's a terrible liar.]"

"I'd listen to my gut. And my gut tells me he's genuine," he said.

Atlas then told Thena the full story of how he met Hiro. Beginning from how he'd rescued the Sneasel from a trio of unknown Beheeyem outlaws, and everything that had happened over the course of their journey together during the past few days.

Thena took a moment to assess that tale, only to sigh. "[I see. How curious. I'd very much like to meet him in person.]"

"That can be arranged," replied Atlas with a shrug.

"[Ze'Mer will be handling him, I presume?]"

Atlas nodded to himself. "Once his memories are restored, we'll know who or what he truly is."

"[And based on what you learn, do you plan on adding him to your ever-growing list of eccentric recruits?]"

Atlas chuckled and brushed his palm across his forehead. "That's hard for me to judge right now. At the moment… He does not strike me as being cut out for our work."

He got the impression Thena had a brief glint in her eyes as he said that, and perhaps she was now tapping her cheek in thought.

"[Well, who am I to cast doubt on your intuition?]" Thena remarked, which made Atlas smile. She spoke again, her voice a bit distant like she'd walked to a different part of her work room. Perhaps to return the old journal back to its place. "[So, we should be expecting your return by the turn of summer or so then?]"

"Believe it or not, no." Atlas smirked and finished what remained of the chesto broth, following up with a satisfied hum. "I'm at Dragos Watch as we speak."

"[That's… nearby. I expected you to roam at least another month more before coming back here.]"

"You wound me. It's not as surprising as you make it sound, surely?"

Thena laughed, and he could feel her picking up her expedition gadget from the other end. "[Still, your timing couldn't have been more perfect. Dit would've called you back anyways even if you didn't plan to return.]"

"Hmm, something urgent came up?"

"[Yes,]" Thena replied matter of factly. "[Strange happenings have been spreading across the continent. Trouble might be afoot, or so he thinks.]"

Atlas' eyes dimmed. He reached a palm out and caught a few specks of dust shimmering in the moonlight radiating through the window. Trouble presented challenge. It was not challenge he feared, but the far-reaching effects they could have for those uninvolved too. His bed creaked as he shifted his weight back with a sigh.

"This is a conversation best had in person. I'll have the full briefing when I return."

"[As you say, Chief. Is that everything then?]"

"Yes. Take care, Thena."

"[Likewise.]"

…..

Hiro was beginning to get the feeling that he was not a morning person. Not by a long shot. He and Mebh hadn't returned from their little excursion until well into the night—they'd lost track of time somehow while further exploring Drago's Watch.

Atlas had run into the two just as he was about to leave the lodgings to search for them. Much to his relief, he found that they were alright. He left quietly, trying not to disturb Hiro's sleep.

Strong gales and the steady rocking of a saddle jostled Hiro awake. He opened his eyes, only to flinch at the sun burning brightly among the clouds. Clouds? Hiro soon discovered himself on the back of a mighty dragon with bright crimson wings and sturdy blue scales.

A Salamence. The very same one Atlas hired to take them to Lively Town, judging by the scar just under the dragon's neck. And why was Mebh sitting atop the Salamence's head? She didn't seem at all worried that the winds might carry her off and send her plummeting down to the earth…

"Eyes on the sky, Hiro," Atlas announced, his voice still booming in the turbulent winds. "We'll arrive at Lively Town soon."

Hiro peeked over the saddle, and there was nothing to see but an ocean of white clouds in all directions below.

"How can you tell?" Hiro asked, to which Atlas only grinned in response.

"Buckle up! I'm going for a dive!" Salamence announced.

Hiro gasped in shock and gripped his claws to the saddle, anticipating a sharp and nauseating descent. Yet, he hardly felt any different even as Salamence cut into the clouds. He didn't have to look to know Atlas was smirking his way. He could only try and act casual to hide his brief embarrassment.

It was then that Hiro noticed the strange sphere glimmering near the base of the saddle. He almost mistook it for a Luminous Orb at first. What was it? Did it alter their balance somehow? It must have, otherwise he, Atlas and Mebh would've needed multiple belts and harnesses to stay seated on the back of such an agile dragon.

The pokemon world had even more sorcery Hiro didn't understand. The trembling in his limbs persisted even as he plucked his claws off the saddle.

The ocean of clouds parted beneath them at long last, and a great landscape unveiled itself to them. A small blip appeared on the horizon, looking like a colorful blot of sprinkles in the distance. Hiro had a guess as to what it was in his mind: Lively Town.

…..

Salamence slowed to a glide as they flew over the colorful landscape of Lively Town. Wonder filled Hiro's eyes as he watched from the saddle. Even without his memories, he knew with absolute certainty that he'd never been anywhere like it before.

Their dragon ride swerved to the right and arced towards one of the high cliffs near the edge of town to a sprawling district. Hiro saw many towers dotted around on their way there, and many had bird Pokemon resting on perches built on the spires. Most of them were asleep, but some threw languid glances their way while they readied themselves to start a whole new day.

Hiro caught something up ahead. It looked like a trick of the light at first. Somehow, he could see the bluish waves swimming upwards from behind the cliff. A quick glance at Atlas suggested he could see it too. Just what was it? Could it have been the wind?

Salamence sped into it, flying against the tide of the upward gales. Hiro's feathers fluttered wildly, but he paid no mind. He couldn't help but smile in wonder at the strange experience.

They came to a pocket where the wind wasn't as strong, and Salamence once again came to a steady glide. He aimed for one of the high ledges with a large painted arrow pointing away from the cliff.

"Prepare for landing!" boomed Salamence's voice just as he beat his wings harder and made a swift dive for the landing zone.

Hiro instinctively dug his claws again into the saddle. This time they went in so deeply that when Salamence finally brought them to solid ground, it took a bit of effort to yank his limbs free.

Mebh hopped off Salamence's head first, and Hiro followed soon after. As he leapt down and skidded to a halt, he took a brief pause to absorb everything around him.

The Aery Cliff district welcomed them with several inns in all directions, and many strangely shaped buildings here and there. What caught his eye though were the various statues and shrines he could glimpse on some of the paths and intersections. Did they represent gods of some kind? He liked the peacock looking one with rainbow wings.

Atlas meanwhile exchanged a few words with their Salamence pilot. The two shared a laugh after some back and forth, then Salamence offered a brief salute with his wing then took to the skies again.

Hiro wondered if he was going back to Drago's Watch so soon. Did their trip not exhaust him at all? Dragons like him must've been full of vitality if so.

"We best get going then," Atlas said, walking over to Hiro and Mebh. "You two must be famished. Why don't we go and grab something? I know a place in the main part of town."

"Not eating here?" Mebh asked, scooting up to him.

Atlas chuckled. "Well, their cuisine isn't going to be up our alley… I've never been much fond of birdseed. Come on."

Atlas and the others set off towards one of the roads leading out of the district. Hiro still felt like he was freeloading off Atlas a bit too much… but they were going to get back his memories soon. If he could reclaim whatever experiences he once had, then he'll be able to manage on his own, surely. And then he could pay back all the generosity he'd received so far.

…..

Roselia finished two cups of herbal tea for a pair of customers waiting for their meal. A smile flicked the edge of his lips, satisfied with his work as the pecha and cheri aroma of the tea reached his face. He extended vines around the cups like snakes and placed them atop of the counter on a tray. He then added a chocolate cake with lots of whipped cream. Lastly, a finishing touch. He folded a napkin and tucked it in between the cups.

Roselia cupped his flowers over his face to give his small voice the extra volume he needed.

"23! 23! Your order's ready!" Roselia announced, then he could see a Quilava and Axew pair get up from their table.

Most of Roselia's co-workers would've waited to see the approaching customer's face, their smile or dissatisfied frown. The latter they got much less frequently. Yet Roselia had already dropped his flowers beside him as the Quilava and Axew approached, and turned around to prepare more teas as his cheeks flushed a shade greener.

Bells jingled from the front door, welcoming new customers onto the verdant green carpet at the front door. Roselia didn't so much as peek over his shoulder to steal a glance at who came in. The confidence to talk to strangers hadn't returned to him yet.

"Whoa, ho, ho, if it isn't Atlas!"

Roselia's eyes widened like plates. Did he hear Maractus right? He stood there dazed for so long that he flinched when tea overflowed from the cup in his flower. He turned the nozzle on the water heater and whirled around with a groan.

There Atlas was, Maractus guiding him inside, alongside two Pokemon Roselia had never seen before. A Sneasel and… he didn't know what the other was. The grass-type spread his roses out—determined to act as much like a real plant as he could—and ducked down so only his horns and eyes peeked over the counter to watch them. A jolt went up his head, Sceptile's words from the previous night coming to mind.

"A Sneasel and something in… a costume? It's really them…" he gasped with sparkling eyes. Atlas' new recruits, he assumed. The few customers in the café—usual early morning regulars—all drew their eyes towards Atlas. Some mon waved, others merely throwing knowing glances before returning to their conversations. A few were more intrigued by the Ampharos' companions, watching them with curiosity.

Maractus brought Atlas and his cohorts to their table, even sparing a moment to show them how the shroom stools worked. Twist the knob once or twice, watch the stool go up or down. By the time the cactus left, the Sneasel had to hiss something at the ragged one, who was making her stool go higher and higher…

Roselia stole a few more glances at the three mon from his hiding spot. Atlas left the other two to their antics, his expedition gadget laid out on the table and another small doohickey pressed to his ear while he talked to somemon.

It was strange. Roselia didn't know what to think of the Sneasel—who was eating his strawberry cake like he'd been starved for days—any more than the ragged one. Either his eyes deceived him or the other one was trying to eat the table mat—

Roselia's eyes met Atlas' for a brief moment, and he quickly ducked down. He stiffened and cupped his flowers over his face. He could no longer see their faces, and he shrank further as he accepted that. The tea he'd spilled earlier flowed down in quiet drops onto the carpet, reminding him to find a rag to clean up the mess.

He clenched his teeth and groaned. The last time Atlas had seen him was years ago. He'd been but a small Budew at the time. Would his Gramps even remember him? What would he even say if they spoke? He shook his head and sighed with drooped shoulders, wiping the spilled tea with sluggish melancholy.

Under the chiming hum of bells, stools shifted over the wooden floor, and Atlas and his cohorts departed after finishing their meals. Even to the very end, Roselia still couldn't…

A light jab at his side snapped him out of his thoughts.

"H-hey! What was that for, Steenee?" Roselia said with puffed cheeks.

Steenee responded with a smirk and a shake of her head, one hand hidden behind her back.

"Wow, dude. You really just stood there and watched Atlas leave?" Steenee then asked, taking the rag—sticky with spilled tea—and tossed it aside into a bin. Both grass types locked eyes on one another now, but Roselia only lasted mere moments under her gaze before looking away, ashamed and frustrated.

"That's not it. I was busy working the teas, a-and besides it looked like they were in a hurry," Roselia argued.

"Mhm, I bet they were." Steenee unveiled what hid in her other hand. A ball of silky black thread with a white needle stabbed right down the center. "One of them even forgot this. I think it was the costumed one."

Roselia spared a curious glance at the thread ball, then he looked away again. "Oh… Well I'm sure they'll come back for it later."

A smile flicked on the edge of Steenee's lips, her calyx pigtails wobbling to the side as she tilted her head. Roselia knew where things were headed, and he wanted to stop that carkoal in its tracks.

"N-no," Roselia said with a vigorous shake of his head and a cupping of his roses over his face. "Make Maractus do it, not me. I… I just don't think I'm ready for that yet."

The playfulness of Steenee's smile lightened, and she aired out a sigh. "Atlas asked me about you by the way."

Roselia dropped his flowers so swiftly that Steenee nearly flinched.

"Really? What did he say?"

"Not much really. He thought you were feeling unwell or had something going on. Told him you were fine though."

Oh, she didn't tell Atlas it was him even though she knew their relationship. The anticipation in Roselia's eyes dimmed a bit. Steenee climbed up the stool beside him, nearly double his meager height.

"Point I'm making is that Atlas isn't some scary wildener that'll bite your head off if you look at him wrong or something."

Roselia pouted. "Never said he was..."

"Of course not." Steenee chuckled and pushed the thread ball towards him. "All I'm saying is that even if it seems scary at first, you'll soon find that talking to him is not so bad after all."

Roselia met Steenee's eyes, her smile radiating with confidence. Then he looked at the thread ball, black and smooth… which might as well have been a ball of spikes as he reluctantly held it in between his red and blue roses.

"I'm on duty though. I can't just leave…" Roselia muttered, the haunting gaze of doubt still boring holes into his back.

Steenee quirked a brow, stared him dead in the eyes before rolling her own. She gave him a light nudge, gestured at the door, and said, "Just go. I'll take over your shift."

"B-but—"

"Just… go say hi when you return it, and then you can come back." She gave him a small flick on his head. "Easy as that. I'm sure your gramps will be glad to see you again. Even that alone will make his day I'm sure."

Roselia sighed, drooping his flowers in defeat. "Alright… Fine."

The flower mon hopped off his stool and walked around the counter. Every step he took closer to the door leading outside felt harder than the last, or perhaps easier? He didn't know, but he tried to brave through it.

On his way out, he caught Sceptile and Steenee exchanging a wink. They were in cahoots? He pouted lightly, but couldn't hold it against them. He'd already let his first chance slip by when Atlas came and left. And they helped him find another. He didn't have it in him to waste this one too.
 
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Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, firing this up since while it's a bit sooner than I normally would do it as a beta for this story, I did have the fresh chapter of Weaversong on the list as a target and I might as well see what the final release version of it looks like. Jumping right in with:

Chapter 4

Snow crunched beneath their feet with each step they took, the frigid mountain winds threatening to push them back down the slope on their way up. Hiro and his newfound companions prevailed through the tug of war and reached the top. At long last, Draco's Watch revealed itself atop a charred black mountain. Nestled among the snowcapped spires surrounding it, Draco's Watch evoked the ferocity of dragons whose very existence defied nature. There were striking black spires that clawed their way out of stone to form a bony barrier caging the outpost in, and many more jutting out like dragon spines.

Well, until it gets snowy and they promptly go "nope nope nope, staying in bed today", though I'd assume that Draco's Watch has a workaround to that.
:loltias:


The surroundings to the town definitely feel very "dragon"-y, though.

Did Hiro's eyes deceive him? He blinked a few times, wiped snow off his muzzle, and yet the largest cliff on that snowless mountain still looked like a dragon's head roaring at the heavens. Did such a mountain always exist like that from the beginning. Someone must've carved it that way surely.

Atlas: "Oh, that's nothing. Wait until you see the cliff overlooking Treasure Town." ^^;

Atlas broke Hiro out of his enchantment with a tap on his shoulder and offering a remark.

"Rest assured, we will still arrive by sun-down at our current pace," Atlas said as he took a few steps forward, paused a moment, then called Hiro over to lead the way.

Hiro: "Atlas, the town's literally right here!" >.<
Atlas: "Yes, well we still have a bit of a walk to get there, and you are a bit better at this 'navigation' thing than I am." ^^;

Hiro quirked a brow. Aside from the winding path below that snaked its way to the front gates of the outpost, there wasn't anything as far as the eye could see that'd make one lost. The Sneasel wondered what was up with Atlas' sense of direction... Was he always like that? Hiro had a few odd quirks of his own like the incessant purring whenever he got excited, or his ears moving on their own at the slightest of sounds. Perhaps Atlas' condition was just a trait of his kind too.

No, that's just an artifact of him being an incarnation of Super!Ampharos. :V

Curious as Hiro was, he found it intrusive to pry deeper so he took up the Expedition gadget and walked ahead. Having climbed up their way so far, Hiro heaved a relieved sigh that their destination was finally upon them.

They arrived with sore limbs and ice flakes clinging to their fur—or costume in Mebh's case—from hiking up the mountain pass.

Hiro: "Wait, so how on earth is this a viable resting place for dragons?" .-.
Mebh: "They fly. Don't travel overland. Obviously."

Luckily for them, they hardly had trouble finding an inn to rest at for the night, as well as a dragon lift to fly them to Lively Town the following morning. Both the innkeeper and the Salamence carrier seemed almost a little too friendly—when the party approached, they perked up and put on smiles that the other customers didn't get. Hiro thought that was a little strange, but as they made their way to their rooms to lay down their packs, it hit him: any person not living under a rock would recognize Atlas right away. Those who didn't know his face had at least heard about the striking crossed thunderbolts embroidered on the back of his cape.

Especially if the titles of 'Chief of the Expedition Society' or 'Wandering Thunder' carried any power, which they clearly did.

After a quick meal, Atlas allowed Hiro and Mebh to freely explore the small outpost town at their insistence.

Technically, you probably want a different title than 'rider' for the Salamence, since the Salamence is serving as the vehicle/Pokémon of burden and not as a passenger controlling one. e.x. 'carrier', 'flyer', or something cut from that vein.

Also, you have a missing newline between paragraphs, and a small capitalization error.

The soreness of travel burned freshly in Hiro's limbs, but that hardly deterred the pulsing in his chest from just thinking about exploring what Draco's Watch had to offer. It was the first town they'd been to in days, and the first to have anything more advanced than rocky dens and huts. Hiro wanted to take in as much of it as he could before they leave in the morning.

Fortunately the locals appear to be used to seeing all sorts of faces, since otherwise, I can imagine the hilarity of various dragons basically doing pic related around Hiro:



A pair of large dragon statues sat just at the end of the road leading out of the inn. They were crafted in the likeness of stiff-winged birds. Hiro observed that the dragons had no legs, though they had short clawed arms. Whoever they might have been, did they not need to walk?

So... Altaria statues? Or am I thinking of the wrong cloud that birds there?

Hiro peeked at their faces to learn their names, but nothing sprung to his mind. Maybe he could only recognize Pokemon that were alive... Hiro idly scraped a claw on the statue's base when he caught a Fraxure giving him odd looks. A Guard? They looked menacing enough even without sturdy armor or a pike in hand. The statues must've been important then. He slowly balled his claw and stepped back. The Fraxure shrugged and went about their way. It was only when the dragon turned their back to him that Hiro noticed the sack of potatoes they were carrying.

Ah yes, our first strong hint that Hiro is from a background that is really unusual compared to the average PMD humon. I still say that this is a nice touch for a subtle thing to point at that.

You also have a couple pluralization errors there since there's only one Fraxure present at the moment. My guess is that you had an earlier draft where there were two but missed a couple stray words here or there.

Hiro moved on from the statues and wandered some more. Each building they came across seemed to be built with bricks forged out of dragon fire and brimstone. They were generally simple in construction with little of the way of adornments. What few lavish ones the town had were painted in muted colors, their bodies molded in the image of mighty dragon heads, claws, tails and everything in between. The whole town made Hiro feel like he was walking atop the body of a dragon slain by forgotten gods a long time ago.

Would suggest s / "They" / "Hiro" or "He" for the opening sentence since I don't think that it's mentioned that Hiro has any company with him at the moment.

Mebh didn't share Hiro's enthusiasm for exploration, always lagging steps behind while Hiro walked with a spring in his steps. Her gaze wandered about, never settling on anything more than a few seconds before drifting to another, then a spray of snow struck her in the face. She snapped her gaze at Hiro with a hiss only to find him speeding up one of the buildings.

Oh, well never mind then. It might make sense to more explicitly remind that Mebh is with Hiro in one of the paragraphs prior to this one, since admittedly I slipped up and briefly forgot about that there since much of it is written just following Hiro without a lot of reminders of Mebh's presence.

"The race is on, Mebh!" Hiro flashed a grin at her from his perch, and then vanished in a cloud of speckled dust.

A trail of white flowed behind him as he raced ahead on the rooftops. Scaling up the buildings came easy—most of them were so rough and jagged that his claws had no trouble finding a good grip to hoist himself over. Being above the ground below soaked Hiro's heart with a sense of ease, like a bird that learned to fly and could no longer imagine a life on the ground.

Hiro: "These claws make this a cinch! Not sure how I'd ever get by without them!" ^^

Mebh wouldn't let herself lose so easily a second time, shooting over him like a harpoon and landing ahead. Soon he was the one chasing her and not the other way round.

Hiro: "... You can do that?!"
:riOMEGAlu:


Their race brought them all the way to the top of the tallest dragon spine tower, where a conclusion was met and a winner declared.

"You sure you… didn't go easy on me last night?" asked Hiro, hunched over with all his feathers drooped like withered leaves.

Oh, so Mebh won, huh? o<o

Mebh bobbed her head and cooed triumphantly in response while Hiro dropped to his rump to take a deep breath. He flashed the Mimikyu a thumbs up, leaving their score at one to one.

The two companions then shared a quiet moment watching wispy clouds sailing across the sky ahead, painted a bright peach by the remaining light of the setting sun far in the distance.

A small spot where IMO simpler words might be a bit more effective in this context. Since something about "remnant luminance" feels a bit purple prose to me. Though then again, if this is meant to be Hiro's voice narrating things, I guess that would be an argument in favor of not tweaking things.

Mebh snuggled up Hiro's side, her beady eyes trailing after a Dragonair and Drampa pair far down on the ground, loitering about in the evening cold. The Drampa had a hat with a panache of black feathers, while the Dragonair sported a heavy-looking cloak. Could they be hiding something beneath it?

Well, themselves, for one. Since I guess Draco's Watch isn't as impervious to the surrounding cold climate as I thought.

Hiro noticed Mebh's attention remained fixed on the pair and gulped while he drummed his claw on the stony shingles. "You're not going to… you know… are you? Looks a bit far down if you ask me."

Hiro: "Mebh, please tell me that you're not going to ambush those two. We need to not get kicked out of town before our flight tomorrow!"
:grohno~1:


Mebh hissed at him like a cat forced to watch a mouse across a window just barely out of reach. She shook her head, and he sighed in relief. Of course she wouldn't have ambushed those two. Though If she did try anything, would he even be able to stop her at all? He harkened back to the previous night when he first agreed to 'play', brushed his forehead gem and grimaced to himself. Him stopping Mebh? Probably not. That scared him even more.

Hiro: "... Oh yeah, totally what I needed to think about right now. Not."
:fearfullaugh~1:


Hiro crossed his legs and rested his head on his palm. A gust swept over the roof, sending a drifting snowflake onto his nose. It almost made him sneeze. As he wiped his face, he spared another glance at the buildings surrounding them, a stray thought wandering to his mind.

"Why do you think they made their houses like that, Mebh?" asked Hiro. "Do you think the lord of the land told them to do it?"

Mebh's head drooped the other way as she shifted around.

Mebh: "... Come again, Hiro? Since I didn't understand half the words you were saying there."
:what:


"Not matter," she answered, then plucked her paddle tail to sharpen it against the rough shingles.

Hiro chuckled at her response and shook his head. The air felt so nice that night, like a soft blanket against his fur. Just as he was about to lean back and lie flat on the roof, his feathers twitched—he sensed something—and his fur brambled up by the thousands on his back.

Hiro: "... Oh that ain't good."
:ohnowen:


Mebh hissed and held her paddle tail till it almost snapped, while Hiro leapt to his feet, claws outstretched. When they'd climbed the tower, there had been no one there. Now there was a ghost-like being standing on the other edge of the roof. Their jade mantis-like claws hooked on the shingles and their beaten wings draped beside them like tattered curtains. Their eyes burned with a crimson glow, their gaze fixed to the sky as if to rain blood on the heavens above.

Hiro: "Mebh, is that thing supposed to look like that?!" O_O;
Mebh: "Obviously not! Would I be on guard like this if this was normal?!" >.<

Hiro widened his eyes, immediately recognizing the flickering green and black fractal disks drifting around the figure. They reminded him of the ones he'd seen in that dream from the other night, but these ones had a sense of foreboding to them.

So then Ghost Mantis is from the same place, huh?

"Who are y—"

Before the rest of the question could leave his mouth, Mebh shot forward faster than he could blink. She closed in on the ghostly mantis, swung her tail like a blade. Her tail cut through the air, phasing through the apparition as if it wasn't there.

Hiro: "H-Huh?! It just vanished!"
:eltyshocked:


A sudden gust pushed her back, and the ghostly figure was gone. The air settled and the snowflakes fell from the sky. All was normal again.

Hiro heaved a breath and almost dropped to his knees. Just what was that? He pressed the back of his paw to his chest, and felt his heart drumming.

Hiro: "... Okay, I think I've explored enough now. This is probably as good a sign as any that we should go back to Atlas."
:sweats:


"That was creepy, right, Mebh?" What strength Hiro had left in his legs evaporated like steam, forcing him to sit down with an agitated growl. He couldn't stop thinking about those crimson eyes... Just who was that?

Mebh scooted up beside the trembling Sneasel and began patting him softly on the head. "Silly Scyther gone. Hiro safe now."

Hiro: "That... didn't answer the question."
:grohno~1:

Mebh: "Not relevant anymore. Hiro safe now."

"What are you doing that for?" Hiro asked, raising a brow. He grimaced at the gesture, though he didn't quite move his head away either as she kept doing it. It actually made him feel better, though Hiro didn't want to admit that.

"Let's go back. We should tell Atlas what we saw…" Hiro said, casting another disturbed glance at the empty spot where the Scyther had been.

Oh right, Hiro really does basically go "I've explored enough now" in response to the ghostly Scyther.
:loltias:


"No," Mebh answered right away, which made Hiro quirk a brow. "Atlas should not know… danger. Hiro safe now."

Mebh's answer gave Hiro pause. He wanted to press her more about what she meant, but decided against it in the end. If even Mebh was telling him to be wary of what he said around Atlas… Perhaps she understood more than she let on.

Hiro: "... Mebh, just what did we get into?" O_O;
Mebh: "Better for Hiro not to know either, really."

Atlas meanwhile stayed behind in the inn, resting on one of the two beds of rolled hay as he waited for Hiro and Mebh's return. Though the Innkeeper offered them the best room at a generous discount, Atlas still chose the one that had just a single window letting in a trickle of moonlight, the two beds opposite one another and a small wooden table. For travelers on the move, it provided everything they needed.

Can't tell if Atlas makes a point of not abusing others' generosity too hard, or if he deliberately chose this room for privacy reasons that will become apparent shortly in this scene.

He glanced at the steam wafting from the bowl of hot chesto broth atop the side drawer to his left. A drink like that tasted better while still hot. He pulled the bowl closer and helped himself to a sip, savoring the slightly bitter taste that lingered on his tongue.

Well, someone's not going to be going to sleep anytime soon if he's drinking a broth made of berries that wake Pokémon up. ^^;

After a few more, he set the bowl down to retrieve his expedition gadget. A soft blue light washed over his fur as the device flickered to life. It was time to sift through its message logs, and learn what and how much he'd missed during travel.

In those idle moments, his thoughts harkened back to Mebh and Hiro. The former he'd come across while chasing rumors of a 'ragged specter' terrorizing the countryside, and the latter...

I can already tell that that 'Mebh backstory chapter' if and when it ever comes along is going to be lit.

Hiro was even more of a mystery to him than Mebh in a few ways. Even if he only considered the gaps in Hiro's memories, Atlas knew more lay hidden below the surface.

Just where did he come from before they found him nearly dead in Open Pass? A few guesses had sprung to mind in the days that passed. Out of everymon in the Expedition Society, there was only one mon Atlas knew that may hold some clue to the mystery.

Ah yes, time to phone a friend at the Expedition Society.

Atlas swiped a palm across his gadget's screen to summon a list of names. Each one had a small colorful winged icon corresponding to it. With an upward swipe, he found the name he was looking for and gave it a light tap. While waiting for the connection to establish, he took another sip of chesto broth.

In the time it took him to set the bowl back down, the gadget came back to life with a soft ring. A feminine voice spoke from the other end.

"[I wasn't expecting a call today, Chief.]"

Thena: "[... Also, are you drinking Chesto Broth right now? I thought pulling all-nighters was supposed to be my shtick-]"
:what:

Atlas: "Wrong Super AU there, Thena." ^^;

The Ampharos grinned. He could clearly picture in his mind those tired but focused eyes. Always eagle eyed over a sea of papers and artifacts strewn across an office on all the walls, desks and shelves. That was Thena, the Mawile archeologist of the Expedition Society.

"[So, what's the occasion? Did you stumble upon something again this time? An old ruin, an undiscovered dungeon?]" Thena paused for a moment. Something clinked from the speaker. She must've been working on a trinket of some sort. "[Perhaps you've snatched an ancient artifact from an outlaw unlucky enough to cross paths with you?]"

Thena: "[Since you do have a track record of bumbling into the strangest things, Atlas.]" ^^;
Atlas: "I suppose that's not wrong but this time, it's more of a someone I ran into."

"You're so quick to assume I'm calling because of work, Thena. For all you know, I'm calling because I have grown homesick and wish to return home to my loved ones where I belong," Atlas replied, which earned a dry chuckle from the other end.

"[Sure you are. But really, what is this about?]"

Missing a bracket for Thena's line there.

"For tonight, it's nothing you could possibly guess. I assure you."

"[Is that so? Then tell me what you have to share.]"

Atlas crossed his legs and placed the gadget beside him on the bed.

Atlas: "Thena, have you ever heard any stories in the past of amnesiac Pokémon just popping up out of the blue?"
Thena: "[... Come again?]"
Atlas: "Well..."

"The other day, I rescued a mon in Open Pass. I found him cornered by a trio of Beheeyem bandits, the poor lad." He shifted his weight and leaned forward to sit better. "His elemental cloak was so weak that he would have died had we not shown up when we did."

Oh, so that basically the "magic" associated with a Pokémon, huh? Though I wonder how on earth that's even measurable or quantifiable by another Pokémon.

"[Bandits in Open Pass? We get some of those every now and then, it seems,]" Thena replied, sounding uninterested. To her credit, one could fill a scroll stretching into the horizon with the names of all the mon Atlas had saved in the past, directly or not. So what was one more?

Thena: "[Really, you called me at this hour about another rescue? I thought you said there was something strange about this 'mon!]"
:what:

Atlas: "I was just getting to that, really..."

Atlas had a knowing smile on his face, eager to hear her reaction to his next words.

"Church, Caudle, Furlong…" Silence hung in the air as he spoke those words. "Do any of those words mean anything to you?"

Ah yes, the chapter title drop. Though since at least two of those would likely draw blank stares from a decent swath of modern Anglophones, I think they were well-chosen to sell the dynamic of Hiro being from another world relative to Atlas and Thena.

Hushed mutters came, followed by shuffling of papers and the creaking of a stool pushed hurriedly across the floor. Atlas could hear all of that from his gadget. He quirked a brow in thought. Getting a strong reaction like that out of Thena was nothing short of rare. The last time he succeeded had been when he retrieved the Grass Cornet from a decrepit tomb.

"[Just where did you hear those words from?]" Thena asked, her voice shaking with urgency.

Atlas: "... From the 'mon I rescued? I mean, that is why I'm calling you, Thena." ^^;

"From that same mon I saved," Atlas replied without delay. "He was a fellow traveler, or at least I assume he is one." He leaned forward, the yellow flicker of his head gem flashing over the room's walls. "He's a Sneasel that goes by the name Hiro."

"[A named mon? Interesting. How so very… interesting,]" Thena said, the grating rumble of her rear jaw sending ripples over Atlas' chesto broth.

Waaaaaait, but aren't Atlas and Thena named themselves, what exactly is so unique about this to them? Is it something that in this world is basically only associated with 'heroes' or something? It might make sense to drop in a quick hint or something to the effect somewhere in this general area if it wouldn't bog things down too much.

Atlas leaned back, his gem catching the blue tint of the moonlit sky. "He uses words like 'people' when talking about others, asked me if I was a 'constable'. While we were crossing Nectar Meadow, I overheard him stare off into the distance, almost in a daze, and he muttered something about 'horses' and 'knights'."

Yup, hammering it home that Hiro's really from an unfamiliar world. Or at least relative to the readers, anyways.

Thena almost gasped. "[Atlas, do you know where those words came from?]"

Atlas: "No, not really? That's why I was hoping you could tell me."
:joltyshrug~1:


"I do not."

"[Right. Of course. Most Pokemon wouldn't, so I don't blame you. They're words of human origin.]"

- Beat moment -
Atlas: "... And how does a Pokémon come to know these words again?" .-.
Thena: "[I was just getting to that.]"

Atlas furrowed his brows, his eyes darkening while he brought a palm to his chin. "You're suggesting he is one?"

"[Of course not." Thena immediately said. "[There are likelier explanations we have to consider first. Where is… A moment please.]"

That actually makes me wonder if this continuity has gotten humans visiting it outside of the events of the canonical games. Since Gates does leave the door open for human arrivals to not be quite as rare as initially assumed.

Something thumped lightly from the Expedition Gadget. Atlas sighed and closed his eyes. He could picture Thena reaching for one of her many shelves, pulling out an old book, and blowing off the dust layers from years of non-use. "[The last human said to visit our world left behind a journal. A highly sought-after relic. The only copy of which had ended in my possession.]"

Oh, so it's a Gates novelization, huh? Wonder how long ago relative to the present day this was. :V

"I see. And what secrets does the journal hold?"

"[More than you'd imagine, and it sheds some light about this human's life. There have also been others like him across the ages.]"

I'm going to die of laughter if one of them is about "the time when things went to pot over arguments about cookies".
:lultias:


"Yes, that much I know. Even I have heard my fair share of fairy tales."

"[Indeed. Though the time humans spend on our world is ultimately brief, the impacts they leave behind often persist. Even now there are small scattered cultures where the influence of past humans can be felt.]"

Oh, so Gates was a loooong time ago relative to the present day, then. Noted.

"Such as?"

"[The Town With No Name in the Mist continent for example, where everymon has a name.]" Thena paused, perhaps in thought. "[This Sneasel traveler, Hiro, where did he say he was from? Chances are that he's from one of those places.]"

Yeah, I thought so. Unless this is meant to be something separate from Post Town / Pokémon Paradise.

Atlas sighed and brushed his palm over his chin. Did Hiro ever mention anything about a hometown at any point during their travel? Atlas struggled to point to any instance in his mind. The closest thing he had to an answer were places they went to that seemed to remind Hiro of somewhere. Rolling hills, farm fields, carriages, to name a few.

inb4 Hiro turns out to be a background character from WS (with a Lucario), since hey, with the details he's mentioning about his life as a human, it wouldn't be impossible... :V

"He does not remember," he said. "In fact, he hardly remembers anything at all."

"[You're sure he's not intentionally being evasive?]"

I mean, he is being evasive, but these are all kinda earnest remarks on Hiro's part, so...
:gardeshrug~1:


"That would make it all the stranger that he'd let the words 'knight' and 'horse' slip, right?" Atlas answered with a short laugh.

"[Yeah, that's a good point,]" Thena chuckled in return. "[Or he's a terrible liar.]"

Image


"I'd listen to my gut. And my gut tells me he's genuine," he said.

Atlas then told Thena the full story of how he met Hiro. Beginning from how he'd rescued the Sneasel from a trio of unknown Beheeyem outlaws, and everything that had happened over the course of their journey together during the past few days.

Thena took a moment to assess that tale, only to sigh. "[I see. How curious. I'd very much like to meet him in person.]"

That actually makes me curious how Hiro is going to take seeing stuff like the telescope at the Expedition Society. Since I'm pretty sure that his era from his world predates a lot of the gear that's lying around there so it'd likely seem like magic to him.

"That can be arranged," replied Atlas with a shrug.

"[Ze'Mer will be handling him, I presume?]"

Atlas nodded to himself. "Once his memories are restored, we'll know who or what he truly is."

I'm pretty sure that this is that Hatterene or whoever it was you've mentioned in passing elsewhere. I wonder what the story is behind that name, since its structure is really different from everyone else's thus far.

"[And based on what you learn, do you plan on adding him to your ever-growing list of eccentric recruits?]"

Atlas chuckled and brushed his palm across his forehead. "That's hard for me to judge right now. At the moment… He does not strike me as being cut out for our work."

I mean, sure. We're only freezing out Mew and cutting out an entire chunk of Super (that half the playerbase found annoying anyways), but you can't say that this wouldn't be fitting for a Super protag.

He got the impression Thena had a brief glint in her eyes as he said that, and perhaps she was now tapping her cheek in thought.

"[Well, who am I to cast doubt on your intuition?]" Thena remarked, which made Atlas smile. She spoke again, her voice a bit distant like she'd walked to a different part of her work room. Perhaps to return the old journal back to its place. "[So, we should be expecting your return by the turn of summer or so then?]"

Atlas: "Ha ha, very funny, Thena. I don't get lost that easily, you know!"
:gardexhausted:

Thena: "[Atlas, you get lost during daily errands around Lively Town!]" >_>;

"Believe it or not, no." Atlas smirked and finished what remained of the chesto broth, following up with a satisfied hum. "I'm at Draco's Watch as we speak."

"[That's… nearby. I expected you to roam at least another month more before coming back here.]"

inb4 Atlas' room back at the ES is a disaster area and Thena and the gang are
:fearfullaugh~1:
-ing at having to get it presentable before Atlas is back.

"You wound me. It's not as surprising as you make it sound, surely?"

Thena laughed, and he could feel her picking up her expedition gadget from the other end. "[Still, your timing couldn't have been more perfect. Dit would've called you back anyways even if you didn't plan to return.]"

Atlas: "Eh? Is there something going on, Thena?"

[ ]

"Hmm, something urgent came up?"

"[Yes,]" Thena replied matter of factly. "[Strange happenings have been spreading across the continent. Trouble might be afoot, or so he thinks.]"

IMO, this particular section might have benefitted from a small descriptive paragraph where Atlas stops and has a 'huh?' moment, since presumably he is finding this strange right now.

Atlas' eyes dimmed. He reached a palm out and caught a few specks of dust shimmering in the moonlight radiating through the window. Trouble presented challenge. It was not challenge he feared, but the far-reaching effects they could have for those uninvolved too. His bed creaked as he shifted his weight back with a sigh.

"This is a conversation best had in person. I'll have the full briefing when I return."

"[As you say, Chief. Is that everything then?]"

"Yes. Take care, Thena."

"[Likewise.]"

Atlas: "(Just what on earth did Dit find if he thought it was important enough to call me back right here and now?)" ._.

Hiro was beginning to get the feeling that he was not a morning person. Not by a long shot. He and Mebh hadn't returned from their little excursion until well into the night—they'd lost track of time somehow while further exploring Draco's Watch.

I mean, Sneasel are portrayed as nocturnal in some games, even if the franchise's various canons are a bit all over the board as to what time of the day they prefer to operate in. I guess this is a sign that you came down on "Sneasel are naturally nocturnal", huh?

Atlas had run into the two just as he was about to leave the lodgings to search for them. Much to his relief, he found that they were alright. He left quietly, trying not to disturb Hiro's sleep.

Strong gales and the steady rocking of a saddle jostled Hiro awake. He opened his eyes, only to flinch at the sun burning brightly among the clouds. Clouds? Hiro soon discovered himself on the back of a mighty dragon with bright crimson wings and sturdy blue scales.

Hiro: "H-Huh?! What the-?!"
:shookvally:

Atlas: "Oh, about time you woke up, Hiro." ^^;

A Salamence. The very same one Atlas hired to take them to Lively Town, judging by the scar just under the dragon's neck. And why was Mebh sitting atop the Salamence's head? She didn't seem at all worried that the winds might carry her off and send her plummeting down to the earth…

Mebh: "Meh. Hiro get used to it."
Hiro: "Wait, how on earth have I not fallen from here all this time?"
:grohno~1:

Atlas: "You have helpful passengers to help steady you? Also, our flier is a professional at this." ^^

"Eyes on the sky, Hiro," Atlas announced, his voice still booming in the turbulent winds. "We'll arrive at Lively Town soon."

Hiro peeked over the saddle, and there was nothing to see but an ocean of white clouds in all directions below.

Hiro: "... I don't see a town anywhere around here."
:what:


"How can you tell?" Hiro asked, to which Atlas only grinned in response.

"Buckle up! I'm going for a dive!" Salamence announced.

Atlas: "That's how I know." :V
Hiro: "Wait, what?! But no one said anything about-!"
:eltyscared:


Hiro gasped in shock and gripped his claws to the saddle, anticipating a sharp and nauseating descent. Yet, he hardly felt any different even as Salamence cut into the clouds. He didn't have to look to know Atlas was smirking his way. He could only try and act casual to hide his brief embarrassment.

I mean, at least you didn't scream bloody murder, Hiro?
:lultias:



It was then that Hiro noticed the strange sphere glimmering near the base of the saddle. He almost mistook it for a Luminous Orb at first. What was it? Did it alter their balance somehow? It must have, otherwise he, Atlas and Mebh would've needed multiple belts and harnesses to stay seated on the back of such an agile dragon.

I guess that would explain why this flier isn't rocking something like a set of loops like in Power Trip. Even if I wonder if that's based off a specific item from the actual PMD games.

The pokemon world had even more sorcery Hiro didn't understand. The trembling in his limbs persisted even as he plucked his claws off the saddle.

Yeah, I can already tell that Hiro's first visit to the ES is going to be a mindblowing experience. o<o

The ocean of clouds parted beneath them at long last, and a great landscape unveiled itself to them. A small blip appeared on the horizon, looking like a colorful blot of sprinkles in the distance. Hiro had a guess as to what it was in his mind: Lively Town.

Hiro: "... Wait, just what on earth are you all painting your houses with if I can see them from this distance?" .-.
Atlas: "Oh that's nothing, just wait until we get closer." ^^

Salamence slowed to a glide as they flew over the colorful landscape of Lively Town. Wonder filled Hiro's eyes as he watched from the saddle. Even without his memories, he knew with absolute certainty that he'd never been anywhere like it before.

Their dragon ride swerved to the right and arced towards one of the high cliffs near the edge of town to a sprawling district. Hiro saw many towers dotted around on their way there, and many had bird Pokemon resting on perches built on the spires. Most of them were asleep, but some threw languid glances their way while they readied themselves to start a whole new day.

Hiro: "..."
:bulbuhhh:

Atlas: "Welcome to Lively Town, Hiro. As you can see, it makes a good effort to live up to the name." ^^

Hiro caught something up ahead. It looked like a trick of the light at first. Somehow, he could see the bluish waves swimming upwards from behind the cliff. A quick glance at Atlas suggested he could see it too. Just what was it? Could it have been the wind?

Narrator: "It is not just the wind."

Salamence sped into it, flying against the tide of the upward gales. Hiro's feathers fluttered wildly, but he paid no mind. He couldn't help but smile in wonder at the strange experience.

They came to a pocket where the wind wasn't as strong, and Salamence once again came to a steady glide. He aimed for one of the high ledges with a large painted arrow pointing away from the cliff.

"Prepare for landing!" boomed Salamence's voice just as he beat his wings harder and made a swift dive for the landing zone.

I actually wonder if that updraft there was natural or else if the local Pokémon are creating / manipulating it somehow. Could honestly buy either explanation considering how PMD canonworld has some parts of it that get a bit trippy / surreal.

Hiro instinctively dug his claws again into the saddle. This time they went in so deeply that when Salamence finally brought them to solid ground, it took a bit of effort to yank his limbs free.

Salamence: "Oi! I need that for my customers, bub!"
:typhNOsion:

Hiro: "Sorry! Sorry! In my defense, you could've given me something to latch onto out of instinct!" O_O;

Mebh hopped off Salamence's head first, and Hiro followed soon after. As he leapt down and skidded to a halt, he took a brief pause to absorb everything around him.

The Aery Cliff district welcomed them with several inns in all directions, and many strangely shaped buildings here and there. What caught his eye though were the various statues and shrines he could glimpse on some of the paths and intersections. Did they represent gods of some kind? He liked the peacock looking one with rainbow wings.

Waaaaaaaait, how does Hiro know this again? Like is there a sign he can read? Is this explained to him by Atlas or Mebh? Like something as simple as taping on "as Atlas called it" or something like that.

Atlas meanwhile exchanged a few words with their Salamence pilot. The two shared a laugh after some back and forth, then Salamence offered a brief salute with his wing then took to the skies again.

Hiro wondered if he was going back to Drago's Watch so soon. Did their trip not exhaust him at all? Dragons like him must've been full of vitality if so.

I just realized, but remember to keep this consistent between one of either 'Draco's Watch', or 'Drago's Watch'. I'm assuming it's supposed to be "Drago" since that's what you used in earlier chapters, but it was "Draco" in earlier scenes of this one.

"We best get going then," Atlas said, walking over to Hiro and Mebh. "You two must be famished. Why don't we go and grab something? I know a place in the main part of town."

"Not eating here?" Mebh asked, scooting up to him.

Atlas chuckled. "Well, their cuisine isn't going to be up our alley… I've never been much fond of birdseed. Come on."

Background Pidgey: "What, you've got something against birdseed? I'll have you know that I sell only the finest millet!" òvó
Hiro: "Yeah, we're leaving now." >_>;

Atlas and the others set off towards one of the roads leading out of the district. Hiro still felt like he was freeloading off Atlas a bit too much… but they were going to get back his memories soon. If he could reclaim whatever experiences he once had, then he would surely be able to manage on his own surely. And then he could pay back all the generosity he'd received so far.

Suggestion for a small rephrasing here.

Roselia finished two cups of herbal tea for a pair of customers waiting for their meal. A smile flicked the edge of his lips, satisfied with his work as the pecha and cheri aroma of the tea reached his face. He extended vines around the cups like snakes and placed them atop of the counter on a tray. He then added a chocolate cake with lots of whipped cream. Lastly, a finishing touch. He folded a napkin and tucked it in between the cups.

Roselia cupped his flowers over his face to give his small voice the extra volume he needed.

"23! 23! Your order's ready!" Roselia announced, then he could see a Quilava and Axew pair get up from their table.

I'm still flattered that you threw in this cameo here. Just don't show the OG characters this, since they might go on strike from the plot considering how it'll be a long while before they get a chance to have tea and sweets in their setting like this.
:loltias:


Most of Roselia's co-workers would've waited to see the approaching customer's face, their smile or dissatisfied frown. The latter they got much less frequently. Yet Roselia had already dropped his flowers beside him as the Quilava and Axew approached, and turned around to prepare more teas as his cheeks flushed a shade greener.

Oh, so that's what it looks like when Grass-types blush in this setting. Does this mean that they bleed chlorophyll when cut?

Bells jingled from the front door, welcoming new customers onto the verdant green carpet at the front door. Roselia didn't so much as peek over his shoulder to steal a glance at who came in. The confidence to talk to strangers hadn't returned to him yet.

"Whoa, ho, ho, if it isn't Atlas!"

For a second, I had Team Skull (with a Koffing) war flashbacks there from that speech pattern. ^^;

Roselia's eyes widened like plates. Did he hear Maractus right? He stood there dazed for so long that he flinched when tea overflowed from the cup in his flower. He turned the nozzle on the water heater and whirled around with a groan.

There Atlas was, Maractus guiding him inside, alongside two Pokemon Roselia had never seen before. A Sneasel and… he didn't know what the other was. The grass-type spread his roses out—determined to act as much like a real plant as he could—and ducked down so only his horns and eyes peeked over the counter to watch them. A jolt went up his head, Sceptile's words from the previous night coming to mind.

"A Sneasel and something in… a costume? It's really them…" he gasped with sparkling eyes. Atlas' new recruits, he assumed. The few customers in the café—usual early morning regulars—all drew their eyes towards Atlas. Some mon waved, others merely throwing knowing glances before returning to their conversations. A few were more intrigued by the Ampharos' companions, watching them with curiosity.

- Meanwhile outside the café -
Hiro: "... I'm sorry, Atlas, what did you say you did for a day job again?" .-.
Atlas: "I help others? I just have been doing that for a fairly long time, so as you can see, I've built up a bit of a reputation for it." ^^;

Maractus brought Atlas and his cohorts to their table, even sparing a moment to show them how the shroom stools worked. Twist the knob once or twice, watch the stool go up or down. By the time the cactus left, the Sneasel had to hiss something at the ragged one, who was making her stool go higher and higher…

Roselia stole a few more glances at the three mon from his hiding spot. Atlas left the other two to their antics, his expedition gadget laid out on the table and another small doohickey pressed to his ear while he talked to somemon.

- Maractus turns and sees Cynthian staring with the world's most obvious
:bulbuhhh:
face at Atlas and the gang -
Maractus: "(Aren't you going to go and say something to them? They don't bite, you know!)"
:what:


It was strange. Roselia didn't know what to think of the Sneasel—who was eating his strawberry cake like he'd been starved for days—any more than the ragged one. Either his eyes deceived him or the other one was trying to eat the table mat—

Narrator: "Mebh was absolutely trying to eat the table mat."

Roselia's eyes met Atlas' for a brief moment, and he quickly ducked down. He stiffened and cupped his flowers over his face. He could no longer see their faces, and he shrank further as he accepted that. The tea he'd spilled earlier flowed down in quiet drops onto the carpet, reminding him to find a rag to clean up the mess.

He clenched his teeth and groaned. The last time Atlas had seen him was years ago. He'd been but a small Budew at the time. Would his Gramps even remember him? What would he even say if they spoke? He shook his head and sighed with drooped shoulders, wiping the spilled tea with sluggish melancholy.

Oh, so Atlas is Cynthian's grandfather? Not sure how I overlooked that detail from beta reading there, but it's a neat tie-in.

Under the chiming hum of bells, stools shifted over the wooden floor, and Atlas and his cohorts departed after finishing their meals. Even to the very end, Roselia still couldn't…

A light jab at his side snapped him out of his thoughts.

"H-hey! What was that for, Steenee?" Roselia said with puffed cheeks.

Cynthian: "S-Seriously! Just say something next time!" >///<

Steenee responded with a smirk and a shake of her head, one hand hidden behind her back.

"Wow, dude. You really just stood there and watched Atlas leave?" Steenee then asked, taking the rag—sticky with spilled tea—and tossed it aside into a bin. Both grass types locked eyes on one another now, but Roselia only lasted mere moments under her gaze before looking away, ashamed and frustrated.

"That's not it. I was busy working the teas, a-and besides it looked like they were in a hurry," Roselia argued.
Steenee: "..."
:heliodoubt:

Cynthian: "It was, okay?!" >_>;

"Mhm, I bet they were." Steenee unveiled what hid in her other hand. A ball of silky black thread with a white needle stabbed right down the center. "One of them even forgot this. I think it was the costumed one."

Roselia spared a curious glance at the thread ball, then he looked away again. "Oh… Well I'm sure they'll come back for it later."

A smile flicked on the edge of Steenee's lips, her calyx pigtails wobbling to the side as she tilted her head. Roselia knew where things were headed, and he wanted to stop that carkoal in its tracks.

Steenee: "Come on, Roselia. I know that you want to talk to Atlas. This is literally the perfect chance!"

"N-no," Roselia said with a vigorous shake of his head and a cupping of his roses over his face. "Make Maractus do it, not me. I… I just don't think I'm ready for that yet."

The playfulness of Steenee's smile lightened, and she aired out a sigh. "Atlas asked me about you by the way."

Cynthian:
Image


Roselia dropped his flowers so swiftly that Steenee nearly flinched.

"Really? What did he say?"

Cynthian: "... Wait, why am I even asking when I'm pretty sure that I won't like the answer?"
:grohno~1:


"Not much really. He thought you were feeling unwell or had something going on. Told him you were fine though."

Oh, she didn't tell Atlas it was him even though she knew their relationship. The anticipation in Roselia's eyes dimmed a bit. Steenee climbed up the stool beside him, nearly double his meager height.

Cynthian: "Steenee, are we done here? Since if that's all, I should really get back to-"
:gardexhausted:

Steenee: "I wasn't finished, actually."

"Point I'm making is that Atlas isn't some scary wildener that'll bite your head off if you look at him wrong or something."

Roselia pouted. "Never said he was..."

Ah yes, using PWCH terminology for the feral analogues of this setting. Noted.

"Of course not." Steenee chuckled and pushed the silk ball towards him. "All I'm saying is that even if it seems scary at first, you'll soon find that talking to him is not so bad after all."

Steenee: "Even if it probably would've been better for you to take care of this while Atlas was still here." -_-;

Roselia met Steenee's eyes, her smile radiating with confidence. Then he looked at the silk ball, black and smooth… which might as well have been a ball of spikes as he reluctantly held It in between his red and blue roses.

"I'm on duty though. I can't just leave…" Roselia muttered, the haunting gaze of doubt still boring holes into his back.

Steenee quirked a brow, stared him dead in the eyes before rolling her own. She gave him a light nudge, gestured at the door, and said, "Just go. I'll take over your shift."

Cynthian:
:eltyshocked:

Steenee: "Look, this is clearly something you want, Roselia. So hey, why not? I can fill in for a little bit." ^^;

"B-but—"

"Just… go say hi when you return it, and then you can come back." She gave him a small flick on his head. "Easy as that. I'm sure your gramps will be glad to see you again. Even that alone will make his day I'm sure."

Roselia sighed, drooping his flowers in defeat. "Alright… Fine."

Steenee: "You're welcome, by the way." ^^

The flower mon hopped off his stool and walked around the counter. Every step he took closer to the door leading outside felt harder than the last, or perhaps easier? He didn't know, but he tried to brave through it.

On his way out, he caught Sceptile and Steenee exchanging a wink. They were in cahoots? He pouted lightly, but couldn't hold it against them. He'd already let his first chance slip by when Atlas came and left. And they helped him find another. He didn't have it in him to waste this one too.


Yup, those two were absolutely working together here. Though I suppose that means the big meetup will be in WS #5 whenever it drops, huh?

Alright, onto the summary. This chapter took a while to come out, but in the end, I think the end was largely worth it. Even if things are still early on in the story, it feels like we're still making forward progress since we're moving Hiro closer to places that he needs to be and are drawing other characters into the party. Not bad for only four chapters in. The location worldbuilding was pretty on-point, even if I hope we get to see a few places like Drago's Watch again in the future, as was the way that you handled those hints about Hiro's background, since it's one of those things where it's a simple tweak on the stock formula, but it does a lot for potentially shaking up Hiro's worldview and expectations relative to the fandom's baselines.

I don't have too many things to gripe about from this chapter. Mostly lingering typos or wordings that I didn't full agree with. There was one moment where I thought a little more description would've been nice, though otherwise I thought that the mix of description, action, and dialogue was pretty solid this chapter. As such, I don't expect touching up those issues to take terribly long if you feel a need to address them.

Great work @Adamhuarts ! It's been a long wait for the newest update of WS (with a Sneasel), but I'd say that it delivered, and I'll be looking forward to the next one whenever it comes. ^^
 

canisaries

you should've known the price of evil
Location
Stovokor
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. inkay-shirlee
  2. houndoom-elliot
  3. yamask-joanna
  4. shuppet
  5. deerling-andre
Hey! Read chapter 4, here are my thoughts.

Quote Comments

Nestled among the snowcapped spires surrounding it, Draco's Watch evoked the ferocity of dragons whose very existence defied nature. There were striking black spires that clawed their way out of stone to form a bony barrier caging the outpost in, and many more jutting out like dragon spines.
One - awesome setpiece. It's been way too long for me to remember if this is actually a place in PSMD, but it goes hard.

Two - it seems like the story keeps alternating between calling the place Drago's Watch and Draco's Watch. I think it was Drago's in the previous chapter.

A pair of large dragon statues sat just at the end of the road leading out of the inn. They were crafted in the likeness of stiff-winged birds. Hiro observed that the dragons had no legs, though they had short clawed arms. Whoever they might have been, did they not need to walk?
I was gonna write that I didn't know what to imagine at "stiff-winged birds" and that I don't know if this is referring to any existing Pokemon until JUST now when I realized they were Latios and Latias. Not really sure how I would make it clearer, though. Could just be that I'm slow.

Did such a mountain always exist like that from the beginning.
Needs a question mark?

Someone must've carved it that way surely.
If he could reclaim whatever experiences he once had, then he'll be able to manage on his own surely.
I think it would be more correct if there was a comma before the "surely" in both cases ("Someone must've carved it that way, surely.").

Though If she did try anything,
Stray capital.

Just where did he come from before they found him nearly dead in Open Pass?
"Just where had he come from" in this case, since it's talking about the past in a story written in past tense.

"Sure you are. But really, what is this about?]"
Missing opening bracket here.

"I'm at Dracos Watch as we speak."
Missing apostrophe.

It was then that Hiro noticed the strange sphere glimmering near the base of the saddle. He almost mistook it for a Luminous Orb at first. What was it? Did it alter their balance somehow? It must have, otherwise he, Atlas and Mebh would've needed multiple belts and harnesses to stay seated on the back of such an agile dragon.
Ooh, Orbs for stabilizing flight is a cool idea.

By the time the cactus left, the Sneasel had to hiss something at the ragged one, who was making her stool go higher and higher…
i freakign love mebh

which might as well have been a ball of spikes as he reluctantly held It in between his red and blue roses.
Stray capital.

Even that alone will make his day I'm sure.
Could use a comma before "I'm sure".

General Comments

I liked seeing Hiro get to go out and play with Mebh - it's cute, and it gives Hiro some more agency on where he goes and what he does after a period of being dragged along by Atlas. Spectral Scyther was not something I expected, and I'm not sure what to make of it yet (like I said before, I remember barely anything from PSMD), but I suppose we'll just have to see as the story progresses.

Also new was Atlas POV. It seems he's got more going for himself than the eccentric, larger-than-life persona he seems to put on for new people - or who am I to say what's a persona and what's real. Again, I expect more time will tell.

I think that's it for my thoughts this time. Looking forward to the next chapter. See you around!
 

Namohysip

Dragon Enthusiast
Staff
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. charizard
  3. milotic
  4. zoroark-soda
  5. sceptile
  6. marowak
  7. jirachi
  8. meganium
All caught up! Happy V-Wheel from United!

I read chapters 3 and 4 for this. Overall, I'd say that these were two solid chapters for buildup, but upon entering chapter 5 or 6 I'd hope for some kind of shoe to finally drop. So far we're sort of just making our way through the story and not a lot of "plot!" is actually sticking out yet, and part of that is because it's very clearly Super, but not quite, so I'm waiting to see what that actually will amount to in the end. Does that make sense? Anyway, below are my line by lines and final thoughts for the chapters.

Looks like the Dungeons here may have some kind of lotus machine effect for pokemon that match their particular environment. I could see a system like that working in a mutualistic way in some sense. Pokemon find an environment that's suitable to them, and they in turn protect the Dungeon in... whatever way dungeons need protecting. I suppose by that logic it becomes a problem for someone weak willed and civilized to start living in the wild.

I always found it interesting how Ampharos was just so bad at traveling despite that being a core aspect of exploring. I do wonder if that didn't necessarily translate to practical areas, but it seems in Dungeons where it's easiest to be lost, he still... gets lost.

Mebh continues to be adorable. I liked the sparring scene, and it doubled as showing some simple culture that Hiro had found himself tossed into.

I don't really know how many times it's happened but at this point it's frequent enough that I'm wondering when Hiro will actually get some plot going by saying who he is. His constant mistrust of the people clearly helping him is beginning to feel contrived when they're just bringing him somewhere that'll be even more likely to be dangerous to him, on the assumption that simply telling those two is already dangerous.

Hm, and according to the authors notes, seemed he used to have given some sort of reply. Unfortunate.

Also, I recognized those shootouts. Good ones. Rebirth and Blacklight if I had to guess. Maybe I missed another.

Interesting, we have that odd fractal pattern again. I wonder what it all means... This is definitely far and away from the typical Super plot now. I wonder if that's just part of being an AU or if it's some kind of bigger meaning...

The scene with Atlas was definitely the most interesting so far, because it finally shows how much more competent he is despite his sense of direction. It seems humans are known very little in this world due to being present for such short periods of time. Being able to deduce human tendencies, though, was interesting... But despite all that, I wonder what they would do with this information. Is a human's presence also prophetic?

Mebh trying to "eat" the table mat got a good smile out of me. Always salvaging for cloth, it seems...

And then we end off with Roselia leaving to grab the legendary explorer and probably get involved in all this mess somehow. A nice ending of things, even if it continues to meander. There is a sense of progress from chapter to chapter that I can appreciate, since it isn't like they're actually lingering anywhere, they're just moving places while sprinkling in some world building and a little mystery. Little tidbits about the stools and means of stable flight were nice little touches, too.
 

Arukona

A Scribe Penning His Brainworms
Location
Ardalion
Pronouns
He/him
Partners
  1. aggron
  2. sceptile
  3. lucario
So this is a fic I’ve been meaning to read for a long while now. I’ve seen it come up for various V-Wheels, and I even nearly plumped for it during the Review Blitz. Alas, I never did get around to it, then.

But now, with an impending book club of this fic coming up in the PMD Writers’ Union, now’s the perfect opportunity to sink my teeth into this fic and review the full thing from start to finish.

So let’s get started! This’ll mainly be a ‘react as I read’ sort of review.

(Also, before I read, I imagine I’ll come out of this and put Hiro directly in the Pantheon of Precious Pokémon. But we’ll see.)





Chapter 1

We have ourselves a good intro here, our resident human having woken up in an unfamiliar land and amnesia to boot. The emotions are captured very well here; as a human who lost his memory, his crying and beating of the ground in frustration are very palpable feelings in this moment. Already I feel sympathy for our protagonist.

I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…

We failed, and it's all… it's all…

Yes, you're right. There's still hope.

This might be the only way…

Hiro… when you wake up… you must find me.

This memory is certainly a source of intrigue. Where did this come from? Is this a leftover memory of the human world? The person in the last part of the memory saying this - are they the legendary that transported Hiro (the name of our protagonist revealed early on - and the precious bean we’ll come to be acquainted with soon enough).

Though hoarse, Hiro's voice still sounded soft and somewhat high pitched. A part of him somehow knew he should've sounded different.

This is an interesting thing to cover that I don’t think many PMD fics cover; the changing of someone’s tone of voice when they’ve been isekai’d into a new body. That’s a cool perspective - I like the light you’ve shone on that unique aspect.

In trying to take a step, his leg kicked forward with far more strength than expected.

I guess Hiro got quite the power up upon being turned into a Sneasel, eh? Still, that’s one more facet of his new circumstances he’s going to have to contend with.

The mention of needing to hunt has me thinking that this fic knows where it aligns itself on the ‘are PMD characters vegetarian?’ debate that rages endlessly. That being said, this could just be a Hiro thing, and maybe the inhabitants of this world think differently.

Hiro’s being chased by a Beheeyem? I guess that’s where the Super parallels come into play.

As it turned out, he didn't need to wait long for them to break end the stand off.

…’Break end’? I’m afraid I don’t know what’s trying to be said here. I think this line could be reworded.

There’s good tension with the fight scene, and Hiro seems to show two sides to him: a capable fighter, as seen with his slashing and usage of the large branches, almost like a sword, but one still adjusting to his new body. And because of this, the Beheeyem are able to gain the upper hand. The feeling of helplessness is felt really well here, as summed up best by this line:

Hiro's heart grew heavy and he failed to suppress his whimpers. Just like that, he'd woken up in a bizarre world and already he was about to die without so much as being told why.

I really feel for Hiro here. Huge sympathy for our human, and I would like to hug the precious boi.

That said, there’s one minor issue I have with this paragraph:

Perhaps fate had never smiled on him to begin with if this was the sort of cruel ending he'd meet. Just before the world faded to black, a bright yellow light lit up his eyes.

Nothing wrong with the lines themselves, but I feel if the last line was its own paragraph that would better space things apart in my view.

"Help has arrived!" a booming voice yelled, followed by another flashing light and the crack of something being struck down by thunder.

Well, if this is a PSMD AU fic, then no doubt this is Ampharos. I’m looking forward to seeing more of him - he was my favourite character in the game and if the line here is anything to go by, he’s a theatrical one, possibly with Large Ham. I like those sort of characters.

Anyway, this opening chapter was pretty great! Looking forward to the next few!

Chapter 2

First of all, I like the theming going on with the chapter titles named with ‘Hiro’ in place of ‘hero’. A good play on words there.

He peered over his bed and found the 'still and lifeless' doll slide out from under the stool and tug slowly towards him. There were few things more bizarre to witness in an infirmary.

That’s certainly one sight to see when waking up. Given what Hiro’s witnessed so far since waking up, I’m surprised he doesn’t think he’s hallucinating at any point during this.

Hiro remained seated in place, almost tempted to check beneath those rags to see if she had legs, or tentacles instead… and if then, who knew how many she'd have?

Resist the temptation, Hiro. You were literally about to die a minute ago. Don’t do it! (Then again, if I were in his shoes, I’d probably be morbidly curious too…)

Mebh certainly seems to hiss a fair amount. Is that just typical for her or her species?

She does care for Hiro, though, if the gifts of the berries were anything to go by. And Hiro eating the berries was cute as heck.

Before Hiro could finish his sentence, Mebh zipped her tendrils to the open window, flew out, and made herself scarce from the room.

Huh. And there was me thinking that Mebh was acquainted with Atlas (Ampharos has a name!) and was there to keep an eye on Hiro while he was out of the room. Seems to be a shifty sort - I wonder what her story is?

To say you were knocking on Yveltal's cocoon would be an understatement.

Another point of praise - I always like seeing expressions appropriated here and woven into phrases that keeps the world’s mythology in mind.

"Surely it's not that rare up north."

I suppose they would have theories for where Hiro originated from, given they don’t know he’s a human yet. Is the north where Sneasel normally live? If it’s an area of ice and snow, that would make sense.

There were wooden huts and houses carved into the mossy cliffside, cut in half by a waterfall.

That’s a cool image to imagine. Sounds like this village is quite the serene place. (See what I did there? If this place is where I think it is…)

two small pokemon he identified as a Mienfoo and Mudkip.

Hm. Mienfoo is one of the normal villagers of Serene Village. But the latter makes me wonder…Could that Mudkip possibly be the partner Pokémon? Chasing after a ball definitely sounds like something their hyperactive self would get up to. By the sounds of it, though, they’re not going to be Hiro’s partner for this story. That candidate is far more likely to go to Mebh. That raises the question, then - where is the human that would normally be there? Are they meant to be Hiro, or has Hiro taken their place? I gotta say, it’s amazing what a little cameo can do to fuel theories.

The Ampharos' deep black eyes burned with the sagely air of one wise with years of experience, and the strength of one who'd fought a great many battles.

Interesting in that Atlas seems more veteran-like here, whereas in Super he was a tad scatterbrained. But it might be wrong to assume that he’ll be exactly like he is ingame, even if I did enjoy that incarnation of Ampharos a lot.

Atlas definitely coming off like an investigator type here. Part of his responsibility as Expedition Society leader (or whatever allegiance he’s beholden to in this fic).

"Open pass being a low risk dungeon makes it ideal for outlaws to use as a hideout,"

That would make a good application for Mystery Dungeons. Bandits being a thing in this world, though, especially so near a peaceful place like Serene Village - that is something of a worry.

Nice little detail in ice forming by accident whenever Hiro’s anxious. I liked that touch very much.

Also, Hiro has a scarf now. Another detail in making him truly an OC and not just any old Sneasel.

Not far inside, a Nuzleaf sat at alone with a sleeping guest in the dark cave. He tugged at the leaf growing from his head till it nearly snapped, then he'd release it, and repeat the process. The sting from it helped him stay calm.

Ah, our infamous southern accented turncoat shows up. He definitely seems a lot more bitter here than I was expecting. Sure as hell wasn’t like this in the games, although excuses could be made for Pokémon being a kid’s game more than anything else for that. This story could have the potential to flesh out Nuzleaf and explain his motivations better, as well as convey him in this grimmer light that’s been set up for him.

And wow, is Nuzleaf fierce in his degrading the Beheeyem for their failure. He definitely seems to fear Atlas’s power and influence as leader of the Expedition Society, and I can’t help but wonder if there’s a history behind that. Or is it just the fear of authority and being found out?

"The future is still on our side, is it not? Xatu here’s been most helpful with seeing that" Nuzleaf said, flicking the Xatu's beak.

Quite a weapon, to have a seer on one’s side like that. Although who’s to say Xatu’s visions are set in stone? Can they be changed? Can the future be changed by our Hiro?

(Also, that art’s lovely! And I can see why Hiro earns the title of femboy from others who’ve read this fic.)

Chapter 3

Aw, no Hiro/hero pun in the title this time? Fair enough, I guess. If the whole story was like that, it would get old pretty fast.

Atlas grinned and cast Mebh a look, who was perched on his shoulder with her paddle-tail bobbing up and down with every step he took.

Huh, I didn’t take Mebh to be that small at first, if she can perch herself on Atlas’s shoulder like a Chatot. But after looking at the Pokédex height…yeah, that makes a lot more sense.

even Atlas couldn't decline Hiro's zealous offers to carry some of the load for the duration of their trip

Aww, Hiro’s being helpful. Another point on the Precious Radar for him.

Even with the sagely air Atlas' presence gave off, he somehow had an atrocious sense of direction.

Ah, brilliant! That facet of Ampharos’s character from Super carries over here too. I always love when our sagely and wise characters have an Achilles heel like this one.

Something about the dungeon made him feel right at home. Was his Sneasel body built for such colder environments? It felt nice.

So this is where his Pokémon instincts begin to kick in. I wonder if this is something that he’ll have to grapple with. The next few lines suggest he’s quite uneasy in this new body of his. Is this something he’ll eventually come to embrace, or will he want to remain close to his human roots?

Seems this world’s Mystery Dungeons function as spatial shortcuts, like I’ve seen being used in other fics. A good use for them - as most of us PMD writers are aware of, they can be boring to write and read.
Curled this way to sleep, Atlas resembled a big yellow loaf of bread, and Hiro had to pinch himself to stifle a laugh.

Atlas doing the loaf! Yes! I was not expecting to see this, but yes! Thank you for making this wholesome image come into my head!

Hiro going off on his own to train? That’s…somewhat worrying. Off on his own, with no full grasp on his power - he’ll be easy pickings for those Beheeyem or even a stray feral.

He could wake Atlas up, explain to him how he was a human—or at least he probably was one, anyways—and that he needed the very basics of life as a Pokémon to be explained to him like a newborn. His stomach tied in a knot. Anything but that.

Those familiar nerves of a human-turned Pokémon. This is understandable, and a more daunting task than it seems - I mean, imagine having to tell the one who saved him that he’s in fact human, a creature alien to this world. Hiro’s nerves are captured well here, and that, I have praise for.

"Uhm, Mebh, do you have sorcery too?"

Oh boy, a weirdly worded question. Now Mebh’s going to be onto him like nothing else.

Meanwhile, Mebh trilled in response. "Okay! Let us play."

Those words coming from a Ghost-type like her are anything but assuring. And given what we’ve seen of Mebh, something tells me she’s hardly going to hold back.

Huh, guess it’s shifted to a chase between Hiro and Mebh. Given Sneasel’s agility, this could be a cinch, although Mimikyu’s a fairly agile ‘mon, so this probably won’t be easy.

And as I predicted, I was correct.

Something happened then. A jet of white dust trailed after Hiro as he pushed his legs harder than he ever had earlier. In a fraction of a second, he closed the distance between himself and Mebh.

Guess our human finally learned what looks to be Quick Attack. A good first move for him - here’s hoping he grows from here to learn a wide variety of moves. I wonder what techniques he’ll be able to perform from here on?

Once again, huge praise to the art! That’s a very cosy image of the two of them. These two look to become a dedicated team together - even if we still don’t know much about either of them. To be revealed in time, hopefully.

Quite the dream sequence Hiro had. By the way the small pink wispy creature says:

"How did YOU get in here?"

It almost sounds like Hiro’s an interloper of some kind. In that case, was there another human destined to land in this world? And if there is, did they arrive? The mention of the Mudkip from before makes me think that they’ll come into this story later. What’ll happen when their paths cross?
Rumors had been spreading about a ragged specter confronting travelers on the road before beating them half to death."

I somehow had a feeling that there was a darker side to Mebh, given the way she hissed and attacked Hiro without much warning. The way she did it all for cloth is instinctual for her, given her Mimikyu heritage. Does make me wonder what she looks like under the cloth. An eldritch abomination that’s complete trauma on the eyes, no doubt.

But that’s a nice gift Mebh made for Hiro! A better scarf, making him even more of an OC! Plus a gesture of friendship.

"Sneasel are well-known for being nimble. Master that move, it'll be a great asset for you in life."

I’d call that more of a stepping stone than a lifelong asset. Hiro’ll probably learn Ice Shard for a speedy pre-emptive attack and this one will most likely be left behind. Still, for learning speed and agility, it’s a good first step.

Huh, and now the perspective changes to a scene in Lively Town, featuring a Roselia and a Sceptile. As a big fan of the latter, I am immediately interested.

"If I'd known it'd get this popular, I wouldn't have ever brought up that stupid tea recipe."

Suffering from Success, by DJ Khaled. Another soul swept away by the tide of fame. Here’s hoping they can grapple with it eventually.

Even he had heard his fair share of gossip about Sceptile's past before. Something about him traveling with a Dragonair and Charmeleon pair… and things not ending well.

Well, if that’s not ominous, then I don’t know what is. This Sceptile’s more than a little fishy, that’s for sure. Definitely worth keeping an eye on him, that’s for sure.

"Apparently, he's been seen with a Sneasel and some… thing in rags." Sceptile shrugged.

And he looks to be a degrading, almost racist sort. Perhaps he’s one suspicious to outsiders. Or does he not know what a Mimikyu is?

It all began with that strange dream, didn't it? In it he had faced against gods, and fought shoulder to shoulder with fierce allies.

Sounds like quite an interesting allusion, a prophecy of what’s to come. Is this Roselia going to count himself among Hiro’s allies in future?

The plot begins to thicken, and so we venture onwards…

Chapter 4

Drago’s Watch does sound like quite the intimidating place. Particularly for Hiro, who’s plainly still aghast at dragons even existing. Wouldn’t we all be, though?

Hiro observed that the dragons had no legs, though they had short clawed arms. Whoever they might have been, did they not need to walk?

Do those statues depict Latias and Latios, I wonder? They seem to be among those that fit the description the best.

"The race is on, Mebh!" Hiro flashed a grin at her from his perch, and then vanished in a cloud of speckled dust.

Heh, guess Hiro’s taken to his species’ agile form. And he looks to have taken to Mebh’s company well, if he’s more open with her this time around.

Scaling up the buildings came easy—most of them were so rough and jagged that his claws had no trouble finding a good grip to hoist himself over.

Well, if Legends Arceus is anything to go by, this is a species line that’s pretty good at climbing. And Hiro’s proven to be rather good at physical exercise. Perhaps his powers as a Pokémon, superior to that of a human, play into this.

An apparition of a Scyther, with crimson eyes? Well, that’s certainly unnerving. I’d bet any money this isn’t a one-off occasion, and this ghostly Scyther will come back later. But who are they? And why are they appearing before Hiro?

Once again, praise to the art! The cape Atlas wears is eye-catching and gives him his own distinction appearance-wise from Ampharos in Super. Some nice colours woven in here, too.

That was Thena, the Mawile archeologist of the Expedition Society.

Ah, Mawile’s in this fic too! I look forward to seeing more of the Society members when they crop up.

"His elemental cloak was so weak that he would have died had we not shown up when we did."

Elemental cloak? That’s a new term that’s cropped up. I imagine it has to do with hardiness, and the reason for Hiro’s elemental cloak being weak is due to his humanity. I could see this term cropping up again in future. Maybe when Hiro gets to training.

"He uses words like 'people' when talking about others, asked me if I was a 'constable'. While we were crossing Nectar Meadow, I overheard him stare off into the distance, almost in a daze, and he muttered something about 'horses' and 'knights'."

Okay, this is quite an interesting revelation. The mention of ‘horses’ and ‘knights’ implies that Hiro might possibly be from olden times as a human, if I had to guess. That does shake things up somewhat, and is rather more interesting than the average human that tends to show up in other PMD fics. I wonder if the fact he’s of a rustic background will play into the story in any way.

At the moment… He does not strike me as being cut out for our work."

I had a feeling that was the case. He’ll probably have to undergo training in order to become fit for work in the Expedition Society.

"[Strange happenings have been spreading across the continent. Trouble might be afoot, or so he thinks.]"

And now the reason for the summoning of the human - or Hiro, in this case. (Or possibly not, based on reading between the lines thus far.) Dark Matter looks to be making their move - or possibly a different villain, depending on how this rewrite of Super goes. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the direction this fic ends up taking. We’ll see in time if that proves to be correct.

The pokemon world had even more sorcery Hiro didn't understand.

Ain’t that the truth. Especially if it turns out to be true that Hiro is from a medieval or old-fashioned world. If it’s wondrous for a human from a modern-day society, imagine what it must be for a human from olden times.

Hiro still felt like he was freeloading off Atlas a bit too much… but they were going to get back his memories soon.

I get the feeling this won’t be as simple as it sounds, that his memories won’t just simply come back to him. There’ll be more for him to go through to get his memories back, I should imagine.

Most of Roselia's co-workers would've waited to see the approaching customer's face, their smile or dissatisfied frown. The latter they got much less frequently.

At least they’re in a much better position these days than they were. Maybe they’re not Suffering from Success as much as I first anticipated?
The way Roselia’s acting around Atlas is most intriguing. Why is that so? It’s as if Atlas knew his father, and there’s a connection there. The way Roselia ducks away in shame, though, makes me wonder. Later lines implying fear in him imply that something happened between Atlas and his father, if I had to guess. But what’s the history there? That’s a story that has to have repercussions later on, if I had to guess. Especially given that Roselia’s appeared twice now, which makes me think they’re going to have a greater role down the line, if that prophecy from the last chapter was anything to go by.

On his way out, he caught Sceptile and Steenee exchanging a wink. They were in cahoots? He pouted lightly, but couldn't hold it against them.

Hmm…that’s new info to take note of. What implications could this have for our story? Given what we’ve heard of Sceptile last chapter…I’m a tad uneasy at these implications. Maybe I’m just fretting over nothing, and Sceptile might well turn out to be a good ‘mon, but something tells me there’s more to him than meets the eye. The same could be said for Roselia, who has that prophecy from last chapter and is feeling great nerves to face Atlas for some strange reason. That’s to be revealed in the next few chapters, no doubt.





Conclusion

These four chapters were a fun read! It’s interesting seeing the plot of Super but with a few changes implemented and a few more unique aspects introduced to its world, like Drago’s Watch and the implementation of a Mimikyu, a Gen 7 Pokémon who couldn’t have been in the original game. The choice of a Sneasel protagonist is also a unique choice, and one I approve of. (Though I wouldn’t go far in the other direction and blast anyone who has a punchdog for a main character, I do approve of choices outside the normal pool of popular ‘mons and starters.)

Hiro himself’s a joy to see and observe, the cute and precious boi that he is. Can’t say I’m as big a fan of Mebh, but perhaps I haven’t grasped enough of her character to see too much good in her. My favourite character, though, goes to Atlas for his sagely, wise character that also happens to be pants with directions. I love a contrast like that in a character, and the fact we’ve seen a fair amount of Atlas already is a plus for me, given he was my favourite from Super (as I’ve said already).

The introduction of Atlas this early is a good way to rewrite the Super plotline, which spent its early part at the pace of treacle due to the school section. By introducing him early on, this problem is eliminated, and we can get straight to the meat of the story. It could well have Dark Matter as the villain, or it could chart a new course in the plotline. Or it could be both. Either way, I look forward to what is done with the changes that’ve been implemented to the existing plot and world already.

Oh, and once again, the art. The art’s solid, and I really like it. It makes a nice compliment to the story told each chapter to see an accompanying art piece with it.

I really can’t say I have much to complain about. If I did, I suppose maybe the prose might’ve been purple in some places. (Even then, it’s still mostly really good!) Another point being that maybe we’re a little light on action thus far. But that can be charted up to the fact that we’re only four chapters into this story. That’s something that can easily be resolved in upcoming chapters as the plot gets going and we get a clearer idea as to who our antagonists are.

Overall, this fic was a good read, and I’d love to see more of it! Keep up the good work!
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
  9. porygon
Chapter 2: A Hiro's First Steps
I see what you did there

Hiro's mind drifted through a murky cloud. He whimpered from the sparks of pain that dug into his flesh, winced at muddled voices surrounding him in all directions, and felt like a suffocating from something being tightly wrapped around him. Each transient pause lasted longer than the last before a deep sleep was permitted to him.

A while later, Hiro began to stir, groaning softly as his mind stitched itself back together. He opened his eyes and blinked slowly at the oak wood ceiling above. A trill escaped through the whirring in his throat, followed by a languid yawn and the popping of his claw joint
I really loved this opening, very nice poetic and sensory prose but not too over the top.

But just as he started thinking that, doubt seeped into Hiro's mind like an inkblot on a white canvas.
Lovely comparison.

"This will be tough, but…" Nuzleaf looked over his shoulder at the only other mon in the group asleep: A Xatu. He muttered what sounded like gibberish to himself, then a smirk crept to his lips as small bits of a plan began to take shape in his head.
My first thought here was this is the Xatu from uh, Rescue team? I don't have a very good memory of the games but this is very intriguing if so. Otherwise maybe its just a regular Xatu and they can just tell the future... I also can't remember Nuzleaf's deal lol, except he was sort of a bad guy? Quite curious to see how this will all shake out.

Thoughts

I really enjoyed chapter 2! For some reason I really thought I'd read it before but basically none of it was familiar. I think the part that stands out most to me is definitely Hiro. You somehow manage to get him to come off as adorable as his story art makes him look. He's a very charming and fun character to follow. He feels determined but also there's an undercurrent of fear and awkwardness and uncertainty thats very juicy. The words I'm trying to say aren't quite coming out right but I just like Hiro a lot and he's very fun, and I'm excited to see where his story will go.

Your prose also stands out to me. In general, I found the emotional and sensory bits really evocative. It read really nicely and definitely drew me in and I connected with Hiro. I think the only bit that tripped me up was Hiro meeting the Meinshao doctor. I think the description there of the features felt sparse, but then Meinshao identified himself by name right after so thats like, super minor and not really an issue. Though I think a color might add to it? idk, thats just a super tiny quirk really.

I like the use of the cliffhanger at the end too, adds mystery and it makes me want to read the next chapter, hopefully I can soon. Anyways, I really liked all the bits you have so far. The story is progressing pleasantly so far. Atlas is clearly the lovable adventurer who apparently is super strong? And Mebh is an absolute mystery to me, but seems like this very weird gremlin-ish type, so I'm definitely most excited to see what role she's gonna play.

Good luck writing, can't wait to see whats next! :quag:
 
Chapter 5: Within Lively Town

Adamhuarts

Mew specialist
Partners
  1. mew-adam
  2. celebi-shiny
  3. roserade-adam
Chapter 5: Within Lively Town


Atlas had taken them to the clothing district bordering the outskirts of Lively Town, ensuring Mebh would be thrilled for days to come. She could indulge herself in all the sheets of cloth, thread, silk, and as many needles as her heart desired. Whatever made her happy, Hiro supposed. It all seemed ridiculous to him.

Days earlier, Atlas mentioned paying for Mebh’s cooperation with a shopping spree, which Hiro had brushed off as little more than hyperbole. Three hours of shopping later and he was disabused of such thoughts.

Perhaps that was his fault. After the time he’d spent around Mebh these past few days, he should’ve known better.

Hiro could see why Mebh wanted all that cloth, at least when thinking from the perspective of thinking from the perspective of a craftsman passionate about their work. Any tailor would’ve been inspired by the district’s wares.

Hiro brushed his claw over the cloak Mebh had given him. The teal green fabric still glistened with the afterglow of his gratitude. The respect Hiro had for the Mimikyu kept him from voicing any complaints to ruin the moment. However, he could do little to hide the twitching of his tail feathers or the ice crystals speckling his fur as Atlas and the others dragged him into shop after shop.

Mebh hissed at the slightest provocation of the shopkeepers, earning nervous looks from them. In each shop, she’d spend a while appraising every sheet of fabric her dark tendrils could stretch towards. The ones that caught her fancy were gobbled in a flash into her costume. Even after gorging on so many sheets of fabric and articles of clothing, she remained small as ever.

Although Hiro had witnessed enough to call the pokemon world magical, did Mebh not push things beyond that? Hiro shot Atlas a glance and could see the shadow of mild concern in his eyes. That was a surprise. Mebh really was abnormal?? Hiro scratched his elbow, scarcely knowing what to make of that.

The faces Mebh made at the shopkeepers was amusing for a time, but her shopping spree showed no end in sight. They’d be in the district till sundown at their pace. At the same time, impatience would get Hiro nowhere, he reminded himself. They were already in Lively Town where the specialist of the mind lived. Even if Mebh spent all day helping herself to various fabrics and garments, he’d still get to meet the Hatterene eventually.

At the same time, there was a part of Hiro that wanted Mebh’s spree to never end. He was so close to gaining answers about who he was and where he came from that his heart couldn’t help but tremble. Did he have brothers and sisters at home waiting for him? If so, how many? What did they look like when even their faces had been robbed from him, let alone the name of his home?

After wandering in the dark for over a week since Atlas first found him, the answers to learning who he was, where he’d come from, the people he once knew… all of them were now within reach of his claw tips.

He was going to remember everyone.

Mebh crawled up and bumped his leg. She hissed softly, and shifted her gaze to the left side of the road before moving past him towards another line of shops. The Sneasel brushed his cheek and lumbered after her. How much shopping was she going to do? They were taking forever. He huffed and let a cloud of mist trail from his mouth. That was it.

“Atlas,” Hiro blurted, tugging a claw on the Ampharos’ red cape.

Atlas cast him a curious glance, his eyes drawn to the frost on Hiro’s claws.

“Worry not lad, you’ll learn to control It with time.”

“No, I… What?” Hiro blinked, glanced down at his arms and saw ice on them. He frantically scraped it off before speaking up again. “Do you mind if I went on ahead to the Hatterene? I can meet back up with you two later.”

Atlas hummed and folded his arms in reply. Hiro waited patiently to hear response. His eyes strayed to the ground, and he was beginning to wonder if going to Ze’Mer was a good idea. The response came at last, snapping him from his thoughts.

“I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Before addressing Hiro further, Atlas waved Mebh over as the Mimikyu veered too far ahead of them in her excitement.

“You’re new to this town. Are you sure you can find your way around on your own?”

Hiro scoffed and slapped his claw over his chest. He briefly winced as their points struck him, but shook his head back insistently.

“I’m sure I can manage just fine.”

Atlas smiled, amused. “This may sound odd coming from me, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. You should at least take a look at this before going off.”

Atlas fetched the Expedition Gadget from his cloak and drew Hiro’s eyes towards the map. Hiro observed that the layout of the city looked outright labyrinthine with winding paths, dead ends, and branching roads that seemed to all tangle together. That didn’t make him confident about his odds of finding this specialist of the mind. He found himself nodding idly to Atlas’ directions to Ze’Mer’s house as he tried to make sense of the map.

“Follow this path and you’ll find yourself there. You’ll have better luck finding her in her home at this hour,” Atlas explained.

“Thanks,” Hiro said, flicking his crest feather as he pulled away from the map. “I think I get the gist of things now. Do I just tell her that I came on your behalf when I get there?”

Atlas scratched his chin and creased his brow. “Anymon can use my name for all sorts of things. Ze’Mer will turn you away if you try to do that. It might help if you had something a bit more tangible to reassure her.”

The shimmering golden winged badge on Atlas’s chest reflected in Hiro’s eyes as he watched the Ampharos pluck it right off and drop it in his claws. Hiro flicked his feather and gave a wary frown as he met Atlas’ eyes.

“Should you be giving me this? It looks important.” He pulled the hem of his capelet off his arm and prodded his claw on the badge. “And expensive.”

“Show this to Ze’Mer, and she’ll listen to you,” Atlas said simply.

Hiro clenched the badge in his paws, he grabbed his tail feathers in place the moment they started wagging.

“If you insist,” he said with a faked cough. “Thank you. I’ll return it right after this.”

There was still a skeptical glint in Atlas’ eyes. He ultimately relented, pulled the gadget back under his cloak with a sigh.

“Very well then. Meet us at the Expedition Society later. It’s that one over there.”

Atlas led Hiro’s eyes toward a large building in the distance, standing at the highest point of Lively Town. From where Hiro stood, it was little more than a purple and yellow blot.

"And if you get lost, just ask any mon with a badge to help.” Atlas patted him twice on the shoulder and grinned. “Off you go now, lad.”

Hiro rubbed at his shoulder, kicked a foot on the ground and glanced towards the nearest corner. He stopped to wave Mebh goodbye. She hissed at him, though this time, it was a gentle one. She mimicked his waving gesture and Hiro smiled once more before heading off.

…...

He should have listened to Atlas.

The few hours Hiro spent in Aery Cliff district did little to prepare him for what Lively Town had in store with its mind numbing layout. He’d entered the mouth of the beast that was this town, and by the time he realized just what an ordeal he’d blundered into, it had snapped its jaws shut around him.

Lively Town hustled and bustled with the energy of a never-ending carnival. The town had buildings that stretched up high, small houses built atop bigger houses built atop bigger houses still. Roads zigzagged and snaked up and down hills and buildings, sometimes through structures. He even passed what appeared to be a water fountain pouring from thin air into a pool below where a group of water types leisured in. And those were just the things his mind dared try to comprehend. For one so new to Lively Town, the discordance crushed Hiro under its binds. From what vague memories he had, a solid hunch told him nothing in his world looked anything like this.

Pokemon crowded the streets everywhere he looked, chattering amongst themselves, loitering about and flocking to spontaneous street ‘jousts’ that always attracted a small crowd of spectators. The last one he passed by gave him a glimpse of a pink hammer-wielding Pokemon locked in battle against a fiery reptilian with cannons for hands.

Hiro’s tail quivered and he kept his head low, his heart pounding in his chest as if were trying to break free. He kept to the side of the road under the shadows of buildings towering over him. Just as it had been with the map, even the signboards and arrows meant to guide Hiro through the town seemed to make little sense. He’d always find the signboards twisted this way and that. Some would even point right back down the path he’d come through. Most of them presented him with glyphs and symbols he’d never seen in his life nor could he ever hope to understand.

After wandering aimlessly for another half hour, he came by a corner with a few food stalls. A thought sprang to his mind to approach a friendly-looking Lairon he spotted by a berry selling vendor and seek directions to find his way around the tangled streets.

Hiro steeled himself and took a breath. He approached with a nervous smile, ears folded back as he spoke up.

“Hey, excuse me. I’m a bit new here and I think I’m lost,” Hiro said. “I need to go to Hatter’s Focus. Can you tell me the way there?”

The Lairon spared him a glance and boredly waved a forepaw back in reply.

“Oh, the glittery witch’s house? Go up the down there, behind the crunched egg tunnel, hop on over three flakes to the right, cycle back and climb up the hoolaboo. That should get you there.”

The Lairon finished, and shifted his weight to resume the conversation he was having with a smoky shelled Wartortle. They’d already forgotten the Sneasel still standing there.

Hiro tilted his head. “What?”

When the Lairon repeated those same directions again, Hiro turned around and made himself scarce. He did not ask for further directions afterwards.

…..

A growl whirred in Hiro’s throat, followed by a hiss as he pulled his capelet around him. Even if he wanted to crawl back to Atlas and Mebh, he couldn’t. The cacophony of sounds and cocktail of scents in the air muddled his still learning ears and nose. The path back to Aery Cliff was lost to him, and the path ahead would lead him nowhere closer to where he wanted to go. Hiro had no idea where he was. He sighed and marched on, ears drooping all the while. How could he have made such a blunder? He’d spoken so boldly about finding his way to Ze’Mer fine on his own.

Up ahead, a bridge overlooking a steady stream peeked out at the end of an alleyway. A part of Hiro’s soul felt comforted in seeing a mundane bridge made of stone—even in this strange world, there were some things that still felt familiar. He scraped his claw on the bridge parapet while he walked over it, stopping at the point above the river. The city stretched before him in all its fantastical multicolored glory. He lingered and leaned with his back against the bridge, sliding to the ground with the saddest meow he’d ever made so far.

And almost as soon as he did so, Hiro’s ears shot upright at the sound of a suppressed snicker.

WS-5-art.png



He shot a glance at the other side of the bridge to find a small green Pokemon peeking over, black beady eyes meeting his before the Pokemon quickly hid away. A Roselia, his mind announced. Hiro’s eyes narrowed into a squint after Roselia peeked over at him again. Did they need something from him?

Hiro waved his claw in greeting. “Hey.”

Roselia blinked, as though snapped out of a trance. They shot a glance to their left and right, then back at Hiro, before smiling awkwardly and cupping flowers over their chest. From how they acted, Hiro assumed they must’ve been a girl.

“Hello, Sneasel. Are you all by yourself?” she asked in a voice soft and delicate that Hiro’s heart almost fluttered. Something black and smooth hid in the cusps of those vibrant petals, which made Hiro quirk a brow.

An answer didn’t immediately come to Hiro, his mind still fixed on whatever it was Roselia held in her flower. But that short pause proved long enough for the Roselia to squirm and begin to ramble on.

“I hate to be a bother, but I saw you wandering about and thought you seemed a bit lost. I wasn’t really sure whether you were or not, so I followed along and you just sat there looking mopey, so I figured I should just make sure you were okay and…” Roselia kept going and going, his face growing greener with each passing moment. How could anyone say so much in a single breath?

“Calm down, I’m not lost,” Hiro cut in. He sighed and groaned. “This town just makes my head spin from how noisy and err… crowded it is, but I’ll figure my way out.” A few seconds of silence went by, and his expression stranded. “Sounds stupid, right? probably.”

Roselia tilted his head to the side, nearly toppling over before righting himself up.

“It’s not stupid though? At least I don’t think that it is…” she said, her face once again hidden behind flowers.

Hiro flicked an ear and huffed out a breath. He eyed Roselia closer and a glimmer of familiarity crossed his mind. His lips parting slowly as he voiced a thought.

“Hey, you were there at the café when we were having breakfast, weren’t you?”
Roselia leapt on the spot and looked as if she’d shrunk by half her size.

“Err, maybe…?”

Hiro sprang to his feet and walked up to Roselia, his pupils drawn to narrow slits and a claw pointing down.

“You definitely were.” He squinted, his pupils expanding. “I definitely saw that same bow poking out behind the counter before.”

“You did??” Roselia shied away from the very sharp claw pointing at the bow on her middle horn.

Hiro widened his eyes slightly. He didn’t mean to scare her so he lowered his arms, almost hiding them behind his back.

“Yeah I… it caught my eye a little. I think it’s a nice bow.” Hiro’s tail feathers flickered to the side and he shifted his foot on the dirt.

“I’m Hiro by the way.” And in a whisper added, “At least I think I am.”

Roselia stepped closer to Hiro, eyes sparkling in awe. “You have a name…”

Hiro narrowed his eyes back at Roselia, who caught herself and backed away a step then another. An awkward veil hung in the air. Why did everyone react so oddly to him having a name?

Hiro waved his claw dismissively as he spoke.

“Look, Miss, is it really all that strange to have a…” Hiro’s words trailed off when Roselia’s eyes widened like plates, petals curling inward, face flushing greener than her leaves. A rusty shelled Bisharp walked past them on the bridge, and yet Roselia still stood frozen like a statue even after they’d crossed. What had come over her? Hiro pulled his ears back and raised a steady paw forward. Roselia flinched and quickly composed herself.

“N-not everymon has a name. Call me just Roselia! A-and I’m a boy… now,” Roselia blurted, and muttered something else under his breath that Hiro was too stunned to pick up on. He’d been so sure about Roselia that the revelation hit him like a mallet to the face.

The Sneasel drew back his paw over his chest. He mouthed an apology and squirmed inwardly with embarrassment. Right. A Pokemon’s voice told one little at times about who it belonged to, as he’d learned from personal experience. Just a few days ago he’d met a Walrein mother who had the voice of a squeaking rabbit while her Spheal child sounded like a dying old man.

Hiro snapped out of his own stupor, and caught Roselia’s wavering gaze dancing along at the bricks lining the bridge wall. Hiro brushed his cheek with the flat end of his claw, cleared his throat and then spoke up to clear the awkward air, “Right. Uhm… You followed me all the way out here from the café, didn’t you? Did you need something from me?"

Roselia flinched, snapping his gaze at Hiro as though he’d woken up from a horrible dream.

“That’s… that’s not it. Well it is, but err…” Roselia hurried over, virid vines stretching from his roses, presenting a black thread ball to Hiro. “One of your companions forgot this when you came over. I-I’m just here to return it.”

Hiro eyed the vines closely, almost mesmerized by them as they slithered like tiny snakes. He plucked the silk ball like a fruit out of the vines, fiddling with it in his paws as a name came to mind.

“Right. This is Mebh’s.”

Hiro scratched his cheek and shot Roselia a glance. Aery Cliff was nowhere near where they were, and Hiro had been going in circles in the city for what felt like hours further away from the cafe. No, it had been hours. Had Roselia been following him the whole time?

“You didn’t have to come all the way here to return it. I’m pretty sure Mebh has more than enough where these come from.” And that wasn’t even getting into how she was surely still gorging herself on clothing store wares as they spoke.

Roselia’s lips curled in a faint smile, his eyes fixed to Hiro’s. Did he still want something else from him? Before Hiro could wander his mind for a clue, Roselia straightened his arms and backed away again.

“Well err… that’s all then! Sorry for disturbing you. I know you Delvers have very busy lives…”

Delvers? Hiro tilted his head slightly and didn’t recognize the term. Roselia flailed his roses, spilling pollen to the air as he quickened his pace back the way he’d come from.

While Roselia sped off, a sinking feeling spread out from his chest down to his toes. He still didn’t have the slightest idea of where he was or how to get to Ze’Mer. If he just left Roselia to dart off like this, he’d be straight back to being lost and alone without any sense of direction.

He moved without thinking.

Hiro overtook the flower pokemon in a trail of white, his eyes narrowed to slits as he blocked the path forward.

Roselia stiffened and spread his arms wide, acting on the instinct to appear as a harmless shrub. Upon seeing the fright in Roselia’s eyes, Hiro flattened his ears to his head, and paced back a step. He twiddled his claws and tried to explain himself, except his words kept evading him like startled antelopes on a field.

“Listen… I’m sorry about scaring you like that. But there’s something I need your help with. I actually am lost right now. Very lost.” Hiro exhaled a sigh, and barely held back the distressed mewl rising up his throat. “If it’s alright with you, can you help me find the place called ‘Hatter’s Focus’?”

He mewled anyway that time, and a part of his soul died inside from embarrassment. Roselia regarded him with a curious look in his beady black eyes. His arms relaxed as he cupped his roses over his face.

“Hatter’s Focus? Why are you going there? You seem fine...?”

Hiro quirked a brow and the flower mon cupped his roses over his mouth. The Grass-type averted his eyes and gave off a scent of lemons. That earned a raised brow, but before Hiro could even ask Roselia spoke again.

“O-oh, of course that’s none of my business, whatever’s wrong with you that is! The building’s not far from here really. Erm…” Roselia glanced between Hiro and the path behind him, contemplating what to do. Under his breath he grumbled, “I’m sure Steenee won’t mind me taking a while since she put me up to this.”

Hiro blinked twice. “Steenee?”

Roselia breathed a gasp.

“No one! Well not no one no one. Erm…” Roselia scurried off, stopped when he remembered Hiro, whirled around and beckoned the sneasel over with a flower. “Please, just follow me this way. We’ll be there faster than a latias’ message.”

Hiro didn’t have the slightest clue what that meant, but he nonetheless smiled. Roselia struck him as odd, but now he could finally go through the mind bending maze of Lively Town. The best part was that he didn’t have to do it alone.

…..

Around the bends and down cobblestone paths, a blue and pink house stood out, and was shaped like a head wearing a hat whose dome-like head reflected glittering light off its walls. A chimney stretched over the roof and tapered to a point where a long tube snaked out of and whirled down to a lumpy hand-like structure that rested beside the building.

Hiro gasped in awe. They modeled the building after not just any hat, but a witch’s hat, at least based on what vague echoes he could recall of what they were supposed to look like.

The building itself sat snugly in the middle of an intersection where it made the mundane buildings surrounding it look drab by comparison. They all seemed to have an odd and unnatural air—the one on the side looked like a purple coral plucked right out of a reef—but the witch’s building stood out because nothing else looked quite like it.

Instinct whispered in Hiro’s ear like a temptress begging him to run his claws against those smooth walls. How high could he climb? Could he zip across to the coral-like building if he jumped from the tip of the hat?

Hiro forced his eyes shut and shook his head. Not again. To distract his half-feral mind, he filled his head with attempts at deducing whatever complicated processes must’ve been needed to craft such a building. How did it even hold itself together?

“This is the place,” Roselia muttered..

Hiro snapped out of his idle thoughts and paused in his tracks, his eyes following the Roselia’s. There was a teardrop shaped wooden door with a plaque at the top which beckoned them forward. He found more of those strange symbols carved into the plaque on the door as they approached the building.

“Hatter’s Focus,” mouthed Roselia as he read the symbols. A smile flicked the edge of his lips. “Yeah, this is the place.”

Hiro nodded idly to himself; eyes fixed to the name plaque Roselia read. He’d handwaved the runic symbols in the expedition gadget as an odd quirk of the device, dismissed the letters on the town posts as being decorative symbols at most, but now… he couldn’t deny the reality in front of him any longer. Those symbols were writing, and the Sneasel was about as literate as a newborn infant in this world.

Just another problem to add to the pile, like feeding coal to a steadily building fire. He’d solve them all. One thing at a time, before it burned him down to the marrow.

Air rushed to Hiro’s lungs as he took a deep breath, a puff of mist streaming from his mouth as he exhaled. He clenched his claws and stared firmly at the door. With luck, he’d be able to solve his inability to read along with his memories once he went into that workshop.

“H-hey, is something wrong?” Roselia finally found the courage to ask.

Hiro’s gaze drew to him and waved his claw as if that’d cast all worries adrift to the wind. “It’s nothing.”

Roselia didn’t say more afterwards, so Hiro took the lead in walking over to the door, giving a few solid knocks with the back of his claw. First came silence, then a metallic click from the other side.

The door creaked open and a pale white skinned pokemon peeked through. It was a Kirlia whose green pig tails had been dyed black and decorated with glitter. Looking at them reminded Hiro of nights he’d spent stargazing on their journey to Lively Town.

Kirlia cleared his throat and pulled his shawl behind his shoulder.

“Can I help you, Sneasel?” he asked.

Caught staring, Hiro quickly averted his eyes and blushed. Atlas never mentioned anything about a Kirlia and in that moment he’d completely forgotten the golden badge. Said Kirlia’s attention wandered down to the golden badge Hiro had in his left claw.

“That badge, I recognize it. Isn’t that Atlas’?” the Kirlia observed, locked eyes with Hiro. “He sent you?”

Hiro answered with a nod and straightened his back. “I’m looking for Ze’Mer. Is she here?”

Kirlia appraised the Sneasel in front of him. He made a quick judgement and stepped aside for him to enter as the door opened wide on its own. “She’s around. Come inside.”

Atlas’ name clearly carried a lot of power for things to have gone so smoothly. Kirlia didn’t even demand an explanation for who he was, nor probe him with questions he’d struggle to answer.

Hiro paused for a moment, relief seeping into his bones as he exhaled. He cast his flowery companion a glance. “Are you coming with, Roselia?”

Roselia parted his lips as if to answer, looked between the building and the path outside, and decided to follow them in after a sigh.

A velvet blue carpet welcomed them inside Ze’Mer’s abode. Hiro thought the inside would look much like the outside—clad in walls of pink and blue—but instead, he found dark purple walls the moment he stepped in. He looked to the wall to his right and almost jumped in fright. A green creature resembling a fly trap stared back at him. It'd been a sculpture juggling torches, each one hovering still in the air, frozen in time just like the green sculpture.

“Wait here,” Kirlia said, his back facing them as he gestured at the assortment of furniture in the waiting room.

They shuffled inside, Hiro taking a stool for himself while Roselia nestled on a small pillow not much bigger than himself. Hiro wandered his gaze about the room of starry posters, ornate shelves, and a chandelier that hung from above which filled the room with a soft warm glow.

Kirlia drew everyone’s gaze to a door arched with interlaced patterns of blue and purple. Hiro scratched an itch on his neck and idly wondered what waited behind the door. Faint voices whispered from beneath, Hiro’s ears flicking each time they tickled him.

Kirlia’s gaze drifted to the door as well. Everyone went quiet, and the air grew still enough that one could hear a pin drop.

Hiro quirked a brow at the unusual silence until he heard Roselia whisper a question, ‘Telepathy?’

Before Hiro could ask what Roselia meant, Kirlia nodded all by himself, brushed a hand over his shawl and stood perfectly still. A breath’s pause later, the other door creaked open and a pokemon with a body of blue and pink walked out. They towered over them as they approached the living room, a shadow always cast over her features by her witch-like hat and flowy blue hair. With how tall they were, Hiro shifted uncomfortably, pointedly reminded of how small he truly was as a Sneasel.

That aside, he had a hunch that this was who he was looking for: Ze’Mer the Hatterene. Her appearance wasn’t any less striking than Kirlia’s. Her dark eyes seemed to glimmer like a starlit sky. The underside of her hat was dyed in dark paint and glitter, which ran down her face like a waterfall forming a veil.

“Atlas sent somemon to me?” Ze’Mer asked, with a voice so gentle it could calm a stampede of antelopes. Her gaze hovered over the room and found Hiro and Roselia. “So, which one of you is the one he wanted me to see?”

“Pardon me, Master.” Kirlia clapped his hands, vanished and reappeared beside Ze’Mer, earning him curious glances from the others. “It would be the Sneasel.”

Hiro shot to his feet, flicked his tail feathers and clenched the nervous tremor in his claws. He called upon courage like rekindling a dying flame and drew a breath.

“My name is Hiro. Atlas said you could help me,” Hiro said, taking a step towards her.

“‘Hiro’… I see.” Ze’Mer and Kirlia exchanged glances. “So you’re named.”

Hiro’s ear flicked and he came to a pause. Were names really that much of a big deal to them? A part of him began to wonder if he should start hiding that he had one at all, but the cat was out of the bag now.

“Very well. Come with me, I’d like to hear more about your situation and then we can commence with proper treatment,” Ze’Mer said, gesturing her tentacle hand to the door behind her.

Hiro’s heart quickened as he eyed that door. Could he uncover his forgotten life by walking into it? Kirlia stayed by the door as Hiro followed Ze’Mer inside, and the Sneasel spared a moment to glance at Roselia.

“Oh, I dragged you into this, didn’t I?” Hiro mumbled apologetically.

Roselia averted his eyes and chuckled. “It’s alright. I can just wait here. My shift’s already over and how long would a session with Ze’Mer take anyways?”

“You don’t really have to, you know…?”

“But wouldn’t you get lost again if I go…?”

Hiro’s cheeks warmed and his ears drooped, to which Roselia hid his face behind roses and chuckled. Hiro smiled in turn. He supposed there wasn’t much else to say. He shared one last glance with Roselia and Kirlia and followed Ze’Mer into the other room.


Updated my fic at long last. A lot of things happened this year and I struggled to keep up with this writing hobby. I'm hoping that I will be able to keep things up more in the future. Thank you for reading this chapter and i will see you again next time.

Special thanks to SpitefulMurkrow and SparklingEspeon for beta reading this chapter.
 
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canisaries

you should've known the price of evil
Location
Stovokor
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. inkay-shirlee
  2. houndoom-elliot
  3. yamask-joanna
  4. shuppet
  5. deerling-andre
Hey! Catching up on the latest chapter (5) for Blitz. Let's go.

Any tailor would’ve been inspired by the district’s wares
This sentence seems to be missing a period.

The ones that caught her fancy wereere gobbled in a flash into her costume.
Were?

Mebh really was abnormal??
“You did??” Roselia shied away from the very sharp claw pointing at the bow on her middle horn.
I was going to say that "?!" is correct over "??", but actually googling it it's trying to tell me "?!" is also wrong, but that only using "!" would be correct. I'll just pretend I didn't see that.

“Worry not lad, you’ll learn to control It with time.”

“No, I… What?” Hiro blinked, glanced down at his arms and [saw ice on them]. He frantically scraped it off before speaking up again. “Do you mind if I went on ahead to the Hatterene? I can meet back up with you two later.”

Atlas hummed and folded his arms in reply. Hiro waited patiently to hear response. His eyes strayed to the ground, and he was beginning to wonder if going to Ze’Mer was a good idea. The response came at last, snapping him from his thoughts. ]
There are some brackets around here that I think may have been leftovers from editing. Given this, I also have to question if "It" was meant to be capitalized - I can get it as stylistic in this context, but I wanna be sure.

“Should you be giving me this? It looks important.” He pulled the hem of his caplet off his arm and prodded his claw on the badge. “And expensive.”
I googled "caplet" and the only definition it gives me is "a smooth, coated, oval-shaped medicinal tablet in the shape of a capsule". Did you mean capelet?

He’d entered the mouth of the beast that was this town, and by the time he realized just what an ordeal he’d blundered into, it had snapped its jaws shut around him.
Nice line!

Just as it had been with the map, even the signboards and arrows meant to guide Hiro through the town seemed to make little sense. He’d always find the signboards twisted this way and that. Some would even point right back down the path he’d come through. Most of them presented him with glyphs and symbols he’d never seen in his life nor could he ever hope to understand.
This kind of seems to imply that the glyphs being foreign was only a secondary reason as to why the signboards were confusing, but I'm not sure how you can glean any information (or confusion) from signs based on their shape and direction alone - the only thing it tells you is that there's something in the direction it's pointing. Unless Hiro saw the same content on signs pointing in opposite directions, he wouldn't know whether the signs were confusing or not.

A growl whirred in Hiro’s throat, followed by a hiss as he pulled his caplet around him.
Another caplet-capelet thing.

Roselia blinked, as though snapped out of a trance. They shot a glance to their left and right, then back at Hiro, before smiling awkwardly and cupping flowers over their chest. From how they acted, Hiro assumed they must’ve been a girl.
wow hiro... you cant just assume...

The Sneasel drew back his paw over his chest. He mouthed an apology and squirmed inwardly with embarrassment. Right. A Pokemon’s voice told one little at times about who it belonged to, as he’d learned from personal experience. Just a few days ago he’d met a Walriein mother who had the voice of a squeaking rabbit while her Spheal child sounded like a dying old man.
This is kind of an odd thing to add to the worldbuilding. Is it just something arbitrary, or did Hiro misunderstand the relationship between the Walrein (typo in that name here btw) and the Spheal? (Also, I would have expected these)

“No one! Well not no one no one. Erm…” Roselia scurried off, stopped when he remembered Hiro, whirled around and beckoned the sneasel over with a flower. “Please, just follow me this way. We’ll be there faster than a latias’ message.”

Hiro didn’t have the slightest clue what that meant, but he nonetheless smiled. Roselia struck him as odd, but now he could finally go through the mind bending maze of Lively Town. The best part was that he didn’t have to do it alone.
It's interesting that Hiro knows some Pokémon instinctually but not others. Makes me wonder what makes the difference.

Around the bends and down cobblestone paths, a blue and pink house stood out, and was shaped like a head wearing a hat whose dome-like head glittering starlight off its walls.
I'm not sure what the end of this sentence is saying.

“This is the place,” Roselia muttered..
Accidental extra period?

There was a teardrop shaped wooden door with a plaque at the top which beckoned them forward. He found more of those strange symbols carved into a plaque on the door as they approached the building.
So are there two plaques, one of them above the door and the other on it, or is there just one plaque that was referred to twice?

One thing at a time, before it burned him down to the marrow. .
Accidental extra period or a typo'd ellipsis?

A green creature resembling a fly trap juggling torches stared back at him. Why did the creature look so bizarre?
I'm not sure what I'm meant to imagine for "juggling torches" outside the literal interpretation, which doesn't seem like it matches any part of Carnivine. It is a Carnivine, right?

---

Alright! Hiro is about to get his memories restored, or at least attempted to be restored. Excited to find out what will happen.

I found it a little odd that Hiro would think that he could find his way to Ze'Mer without any directions whatsoever before he is given a look at the map, but maybe he really is that overconfident.

In the scene where Hiro meets Roselia, I have to say that the changing pronouns really tripped me up. I get that Roselia is genderfluid (unless I'm really stupid and misunderstood), but since this is Hiro's perspective, the assumption is that Hiro is the one perceiving Roselia as these changing genders, when his dialogue suggests that he thinks Roselia is a girl up until he clarifies things. I think it'd be clearer to keep his pronouns female until Hiro learns his real gender, which we can still tell is fluid from the added "now" in his line.

I'm also not sure if the Pokémon species names are meant to be capitalized or not capitalized (and it's been too long since the previous chapters for me to remember their trend). I know that they're capitalized when they're names, but there are some instances where they are capitalized even when they're just general words, while the rest of the instances seem to be all lowercase.

On a positive note, though, I really enjoyed the description of the town! It's not the first time, either. I think you're really good at creating and describing setpieces. They have this kind of storybook vibe to them.

That's all I have this time. Good luck with writing onward, and see you around!
 

JFought

Sloooowly writing...
Location
HCL
Pronouns
they/them
Partners
  1. jfought-sword
  2. jfought-blue
  3. deerling-summer
  4. charmeleon
  5. vulpix
  6. monferno
I'm here to catch up on this fic for blitz! It looks like we reach Lively Town in these two chapters, and I imagine Hiro will meet this Roselia character who was introduced in the last one. So let's get to it!

Thoughts on Chapters 4 and 5:
  • Drago's Watch is a neat setpiece to travel through! The dragon theming feels strong, and I like the moment where Hiro assumes the Fraxure citizen must be a guard just because they look intimidating. Even though it's mainly just a stop on the way to Lively Town, I can appreciate the bonding moment between Hiro and Mebh here. Though there is a part of me that wonders if I'd feel different if I were just coming off Chapter 3, as taken as a whole this journey has been a long and mostly uneventful one. Regardless, I liked it.

  • A mysterious ghostly Scyther... We are straying far from PSMD, huh? At this point I kinda have to remind myself it's being used as a base ^^;. Hiro notes it was surrounded by disks similar to what he saw in his dream, and I can't help but wonder about the relation.

  • Mawile makes her first appearance as Thena! Her conversation with Atlas is very intriguing and raises several questions. If names are truly uncommon in this setting, then I can't help but wonder where Atlas, Mebh, and Thena got theirs from. It also looks like it's starting to be implied that Hiro came from some sort of medieval setting, which in hindsight makes a lot sense, given the way he's interacted with the world around him and the way his prose is often written. This also has me wondering how closely his origin is meant to line up with the canon PSMD protagonist, since technically they were also from a distant past. But with how much is different, it's hard to say.

  • I love Mebh in the cafe scene (on an unrelated note, it was around this point I started to wonder if the name "weaversong" had something to do with her). We also learn that Roselia knows Atlas and calls him 'Gramps.' So either Atlas is his grandfather, or there might be some other relationship going on as well.

  • Poor Hiro was not prepared for the city. You did a good job selling the feeling of this place being confusing and incomprehensible to him (the moment with the Lairon was particularly funny and somewhat relatable).

  • The art of Hiro meeting Roselia for the first time is adorable. The scene itself is too: they both have very cute mannerisms and I like the dynamic that's starting to form. Also, it sounds like Roselia is trans? Or he's genderfluid, which is interesting! Right now, he isn't quite involved in the plot yet, him and Hiro are basically still strangers, but I'm interested to see how these two get involved in each others lives going forward.
Hiro wanted to take in as much of it as he could before they leave in the morning.
Sequence of tenses can be weird, but "before they left" would technically be more correct here, as the tense of "wanted" should take precedence in this situation.

"Sure you are. But really, what is this about?]"
"[Of course not." Thena immediately said.
These two sentences are both missing half of the stylistic call brackets.

Hiro could see why Mebh wanted all that cloth, at least when thinking from the perspective of thinking from the perspective of a craftsman passionate about their work.

“Sounds stupid, right? probably.”

“Hey, you were there at the café when we were having breakfast, weren’t you?”
Roselia leapt on the spot and looked as if she’d shrunk by half her size.

“Err, maybe…?”
There's a paragraphing error here.

There were a few other errors in Chapter 5 I noticed too, but Canis caught them first, so I'll refrain from pointing them out again.
Glad to be caught up again! We're finally in Lively Town, and it looks like things are starting to move regarding the story, with Hiro's mind getting poked into and him starting to form a dynamic with Roselia, on top of the teases from Chapter 4. I'm looking forward to see where things continue to go!
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
  9. porygon
Apparently I reviewed 1 & 2, so I'm back again for 3!

His mind painted pictures of a fire-breathing lizard raining a blazing storm on… some kind of rocky wall.
Hiro watches Game of Thrones confirmed?
Hiro reached up to pinch his snout,
Anime boy moment
It almost made me thing I got
think I got?
Atlas laughed heartily. "Count yourself lucky. It hasn't been long since I taught her how to hold back in a fight." Atlas pulled his cape off the ground as he stood up and dusted it off. "Before I found her, she had garnered a bit of an… unfriendly reputation. Rumors had been spreading about a ragged specter confronting travelers on the road before beating them half to death."

Hiro's ears sprang up. "Wait what?" He shot Mebh a frightened look and scooted a couple inches away from her. "Why would you do that?"

Mebh hummed. "For cloth."
Oh my gosh this is both hilarious and terrifying to picture

Hiro asked, delicately moving the cloth between his claws, his eyes carrying the excitement of a jewelry appraiser.
Hiro is a cosplayer

He'd have named it Speed Dash
... oh my gosh he's a dnd player or something, what a nerd

he ran into a belsprout
bellsprout

By Entei's fangs!
Oooo I like this oath

it in Barking grove.
So if Barking Grove is the name of the place, like a proper noun, I think Grove would be capitalized.

I actually went back and read my previous review and skimmed 2 just to get a vague idea of whats going on since its been ages. The prose and writing vibes remain as charming and delightful as ever. It reads both smoothly and has this... I really don't know how else to say it except maybe delightful, but thats not quite it either... Whatever the word, its good. Easy to read but evocative.
That being said my eyes did glaze over a bit in the travel sequence in the beginning. This is 100% pure subjective opinion, but I sort of found myself struggling to connect with the chapter for a bit until we got more hints of desire and action from Hiro in wanting to learn about his powers...

I wouldn't say that this means it should be cut or culled though, as it does establish some world details and serve as exposition and vibes. Just figured I'd share my experience.

That said the entire sequence of Hiro trying to use his 'sorcery' (nerd) and then playing with Mebh and sparring to learn Quick Attack was just pure joy and brought a smile to my face. After that part in the chapter I felt more engaged the whole way through, especially because I feel like thats when a little more of Hiro's internal thoughts and opinions shone through stronger.

I remember liking Hiro but I'm also intrigued by some of the insights into his thoughts we get sprinkled throughout this chapter. Despite the kindness Atlas showed him and the generosity from the little village they were in, he seems predisposed to assume he's some kind of burden, and hates the thought. The bit where he thinks of himself as a parasite is really interesting to me. Even without memories some bits of self are still there and it makes me wonder what sort of life he had before amnesia (presumably as a human?).

The thought of the debt he thinks he owes everyone around him for some decency is kind of sad too (although maybe thats just from growing up in a world like earth or smth lol, where humans can be unpleasant sometimes hah).

Also that dream got me like :eyes:
Naturally I'm sure the figure is Mew, maybe something tied to the Tree of Life? My memory is PSMD is so fuzzy lol.

I wonder if the Roselia was the fated partner the Hiro would have met?

Someone must've carved it that way, surely.
Less likely than you'd think in the pokemon world
He flashed the Mimikyu a thumbs up, leaving their score at one to one.
My first thought was 'sneasel have thumbs?' but maybe they do
"Church, Caudle, Furlong…"
Roll credits
(I do so love to see how chapter titles come into play)
about 'horses' and 'knights'."
either he's from a more ancient time period or really is a dedicated LARPer :mewlulz:
Hiro was beginning to get the feeling that he was not a morning person.
Perhaps even nocturnal...
It was then that Hiro noticed the strange sphere glimmering near the base of the saddle. He almost mistook it for a Luminous Orb at first. What was it? Did it alter their balance somehow? It must have, otherwise he, Atlas and Mebh would've needed multiple belts and harnesses to stay seated on the back of such an agile dragon.
Ooohhhh thats a cool idea... Like a gravity orb or something? I like that.

A lot of bits of interesting threads being set up this chapter. The mysterious specter of a Scyther on the roof (one Mebh apparently knows), Atlas contemplating Hiro's humanity and origins, the mention of trouble afoot, and whatever oddness is going on with Roselia and Atlas...

I also wonder if the rumor Atlas heard was perhaps about that Sycther. And I hope Mebh has a good reason to keep that secret. Secrets always bite you in the tail, so I wonder what reason she has to either not trust Atlas, or think she's protecting him by not saying anything.

I'm really wondering where all this is going to go...

“No, I… What?” Hiro blinked, glanced down at his arms and [saw ice on them].
Seems like some brackets were left in by accident?

snapping him from his thoughts. ]
One here as well

“Oh, the glittery witch’s house? Go up the down there, behind the crunched egg tunnel, hop on over three flakes to the right, cycle back and climb up the hoolaboo. That should get you there.”
Perfectly sensible directions!! Makes sense, idk why Hiro didn't just follow them

Ze’Mer asked, with a voice so gentle it could calm a stampede of antelopes.
oooo thats a nice bit of description
He shared one last glance with Roselia and Kirlia and followed Ze’Mer into the other room.
NOOOOOOO I want to know what haapppennnsss

I can't believe that Hiro wasn't able to perfectly navigate Lively Town and reach Ze'Mer after only looking at a map for a short time. His plan seemed so flawless... I am shocked I say. Shocked.

Oh Hiro. I do so love me some characters with a bit too much confidence, and a bit too much eagerness to achieve their goal that they overestimate their own capability. His impulsiveness and impatience pay off almost immediately. I wonder if Atlas suspected but figured it was best to let him find out on his own. I also humorously wonder if in somewhere as confusing as Lively Town if Atlas is better or worse at navigating lol.

I vaguely remember thinking awhile ago that it would be funny if the PSMD Ampharos has a terrible sense of direction in most places but is really good at dungeons. Which doesn't seem to be the case here but he does seem to mostly get along okay in town anyway.

At least Hiro's misadventue put him on the path to meeting Roselia! I wonder what he's up to and what his whole story is in all this...

I have to say, despite the length of these chapters they feel pretty solid to me, with enough happening in them that length isn't obstrusive. I do slightly find myself longing to move up the pace, but thats mostly in a 'I want to see what happens next' as opposed to finding it too slow. You build in lots of great world and sensory and plot details as you go and I can't wait to see which of these become relevant and how they unfold. I also enjoy the various POVs to help expand the story and help the world feel larger.

I was basically just having fun reading this and aside from the minor typos I have no crit so...

Gud fic pls update?
 
Partners
  1. skiddo-steplively
  2. skiddo-px2
  3. skiddo-px3
  4. skiddo-iametrine
  5. skiddo-coolshades
  6. skiddo-rudolph
  7. skiddo-sleepytime
  8. snowskiddo
  9. skiddotina
  10. skiddengo
  11. skiddoyena
  12. skiddo-obs
Hello again! Been meaning to get back to this for ages.

looooooool Atlas. Dude even basically has a GPS and still can't figure out where tf he goin', ha. I wonder if the fact that Hiro doesn't recognize devices with screens means he comes from a human world that doesn't yet have that technology, or something else?

Some more great signs of Hiro not quite being sure how he feels about all this sneaseling. Feeling himself enjoy the perfect environment, but then immediately worrying that simply enjoying this is giving up entirely on getting back to the way he was before, and then convincing himself that just being out in the fresh, definitely-not-sneasel-habitat air is what feels best... good to keep his head clear, of course, but there are some things he's likely gonna have to get comfortable with sooner or later, poor kid!

And hey, look at that convenient segue: this was a fun way to see Hiro begin to learn about his moves! Mebh conceptualizing it as play is cute, and also makes plenty of sense for how a natural pokémon would interpret move practice. Running and chasing is a great way to ease into learning quick attack; wonder if Mebh knew that was something sneasel were capable of specifically, or just figured a game of chase would be a good enough start for anything regardless? I look forward to seeing how you interpret Hiro picking up and learning any other moves in the future.

Curious dream, that... Very different from anything we've seen Hiro experience so far, including the dungeons (which have been relatively restrained/natural-themed up 'til this point). A pink pokémon in a strange dream-world automatically makes the mind jump to mew, but who knows? Probably not that if the "wispiness" is literal, at least.

And then... Cynthian! Don't recall if you mentioned back in Blacklight that this is the story she was originally supposed to be from... :eyes: regardless, Roselia is an interesting character to switch to, here. So far all we know is that he knows Atlas, well enough to call him "Grandpa", hm; wonder what the history is there? We see hints to what Roselia's Ma used to do and possibly something that happened to her (the badge and damaged looplet), so maybe she was the one who initially knew Atlas through Expedition Society work. Maybe he even took her in, if he's "Grandpa" to Roselia? Aside from the Atlas connection this is very different from Hiro's story so far, and it should be interesting to see how these two different stories end up intersecting.

Only fools were swept up by dreams.

Ohohoho. Well, that makes two fools, don't it? :)

Anyway! A fun learning and bonding moment between Hiro and Mebh, a sweet and slightly sad and nostalgic introduction to Roselia and some other supporting characters, and a few hints about some different types of dungeons and what might be changing in the world to boot. (What was in the first aberrant dungeon Roselia saw...?)

Hiro's assumption that the fraxure must be a guard only for him to turn out to be just some guy with potatoes was cute. The expectation that a guard must have armor and a pike was interesting... more clues that maybe Hiro got isekai'd from a pre-modern time? (I completely forget if this was something hinted at more strongly in the first two chapters, lol, don't mind me if I'm retreading old ground.)

I'm curious: what do bricks "forged from dragonfire and brimstone" look like? What distinguishes them from normal brick materials and firing? (Or is this not something Hiro knows and maybe he asked someone/someone told him about it?) It's a neat enough little detail that I'd sort of hoped to be able to get a better picture of what it meant in my mind, although I do understand if it's minor enough flavor not to really be worth bothering. Overall, though, Drago's Rest has a really fun vibe to it. Lots of fun to see places with the "might be a giant slain monster from ages past" aesthetic. Sharpedo Bluff was cool and all but where are my giant dragonplaces, lol.

Being above the ground below

This kinda jumped out at me as a little awkward. It may read more smoothly without the "below" (we already know Hiro is "above", and that the ground is lower than the rooftops.

I love the phrase "fur brambled up", that's fun imagery.

The development of Hiro and Mebh's relationship has been fun to watch so far. He's learning how to keep her engaged and interested, and she really does seem to care for him in her own way—even if Hiro still tends to see a lot of what she does as creepy or weird, he's starting to see the intent behind it as well. She's very protective, and it's interesting that she seems to know more than she lets on (for example, her actions around the "ghost scyther")—is she just protective of Hiro because she's generally grown fond of him, or is there something more that she knows, or at least knows part of?

More and more mysteries coming to the fore, meanwhile, between the "scyther" having something to do with the dream vision, and Thena having knowledge of previous humans (but apparently not enough info yet to suspect that Hiro might possibly be one). I wonder if she knows what any of those three words actually mean, beyond them having human origin?

And finally some Roselia to finish things off, and bringing those two sets of characters together a little sooner than I'd anticipated! I loved Roselia watching Mebh's antics at the restaurant. The anxiety was really oof, though, poor guy. How much of it is tied up in what happened to his mother, I wonder... well, if he can work up the courage to go talk to Grandpa Atlas, I guess we'll find out at least some of it soon enough!

Wonder what sorts of fun things Mebh will end up making with all that fabric. And we see more attention being drawn to Atlas's unusual interest in her, hm hm...

The last one he passed by gave him a glimpse of a pink hammer-wielding Pokemon locked in battle against a fiery reptilian with cannons for hands.

is it Raga

Aw, I remember when you shared that art! All of the chapter art's been cute so far (love fluffy Atlas), but this one's especially sweet.

There was a point in Hiro and Roselia's conversation where the pronouns got a little confusing. I think what happened is that the narration is technically switching to Roselia's thoughts and actions every now and then, and Roselia currently identifies as male so the text uses he/him, but it's still easy to read that narration as being from Hiro's POV and so it looks like he's flip-flopping between he and she when he's still under the impression that Roselia is female. It might be a little easier to follow if you stick to just one POV or the other for this particular scene rather than going for omniscient narration, I think.

Surprised to see Hiro's mind described as "half-feral". I don't think I recall anything about that coming up before, though I might've just forgotten as it's been a while since I read the first two chapters. (I actually don't remember if the term "feral" has come up at all yet, but certainly it's something he sensibly could've had explained to him off-screen even if it hasn't.) But anyway, I guess I'd previously just been thinking that Hiro's desire to climb and his inadvertent mewls were just general pokémon instinct, which he wasn't used to because he's human... but maybe it is more of a wild thing than that?

And at last, it's finally time to see what Ze'Mer will be able to do for him... somehow I suspect it won't be so simple! At least Roselia'll be around for a little while to help him get back to Atlas (which'll be it's own brand of fun when we get there); can't imagine Hiro will be any less distracted after this fateful meeting than he was going in, and that's not going to make finding his way around any easier, haha.

It's great to hear that you're working on this again—best of luck with it! Looking forward to where Hiro's adventures take him next, as always.
 

Jerico

Youngster
I had a hard time criticizing this and still am a beginner when it comes to giving critique, but I think I got a review ready. I think your pacing and descriptions are great. It's slow but it doesn't waste time, focusing on the characters and more importantly, how Hiro is adapting and reacting to this world, something the original SPMD had a problem with in both Serene Village and Lively Town.

Your cliches are rare and don't disrupt me out of the story and the way you handle Hiro's mind--while simple, is very effective. The action always impressed me, especially the first battle where Hiro is on the defense against the Beheeyem.

I haven't had a problem yet with your prose or grammar, aside from a nitpick and I am sorry about this part as prose and grammar critique aren't my strong points.

I noticed that you tend to start a paragraph or new line with "Character/He/She [past-tense verb]," which isn't bad and could be a design choice, but I find myself skimming the first few words of a sentence subconsciously, although whenever you switched up the beginning, you wake me up. I think you can use this as a tool for formatting. I don't want you to switch your prose constantly but I thought it was worth mentioning, even if you already knew.

There's been nothing glaring and I don't have any strong gripes or things that I'm not a fan of but I guess the most I can say is to change the structure of your sentence sometimes? I hope this helps and I loved reading Weaversong. I'll make another review once I get a better idea at writing and criticism.
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, jumping back into this to catch up with the most recent chapter of this fic. Standard caveats about being an active beta reader and all that jazz, but it's been three months, which I figure is more than enough time to come back to this latest chapter with a fresh mind.

With that said, let's dive straight in to that last chapter that I hadn't got into just yet:

Chapter 5

Atlas had taken them to the clothing district bordering the outskirts of Lively Town, ensuring Mebh would be thrilled for days to come. She could indulge herself in all the sheets of cloth, thread, silk, and as many needles as her heart desired. Whatever made her happy, Hiro supposed. It all seemed ridiculous to him.

Yeah, Mebh definitely has some stranger priorities relative to her teammates. ^^;

Days earlier, Atlas mentioned paying for Mebh’s cooperation with a shopping spree, which Hiro had brushed off as little more than hyperbole. Three hours of shopping later and he was disabused of such thoughts.

Perhaps that was his fault. After the time he’d spent around Mebh these past few days, he should’ve known better.

Huh, casual passing mention of a timeskip there. Though I suppose that it makes sense as a way to not have to deal with a bunch of small interactions around town that ultimately don't matter while selling the sense that Hiro's becoming less of a stranger around town.

Hiro could see why Mebh wanted all that cloth, at least when thinking from the perspective of thinking from the perspective of a craftsman passionate about their work. Any tailor would’ve been inspired by the district’s wares [ ]

You have a bit that repeats strangely in this paragraph plus a part that cuts off abruptly, or else is missing a period. I think some notes must've missed being handled in the final version or something like that here.

Hiro brushed his claw over the cloak Mebh had given him. The teal green fabric still glistened with the afterglow of his gratitude. The respect Hiro had for the Mimikyu kept him from voicing any complaints to ruin the moment. However, he could do little to hide the twitching of his tail feathers or the ice crystals speckling his fur as Atlas and the others dragged him into shop after shop.

Hiro was also impatient and fidgety like this as a human, wasn't he? :V

Mebh hissed at the slightest provocation of the shopkeepers, earning nervous looks from them. In each shop, she’d spend a while appraising every sheet of fabric her dark tendrils could stretch towards. The ones that caught her fancy were gobbled in a flash into her costume. Even after gorging on so many sheets of fabric and articles of clothing, she remained small as ever.

Although Hiro had witnessed enough to call the pokemon world magical, did Mebh not push things beyond that? Hiro shot Atlas a glance and could see the shadow of mild concern in his eyes. That was a surprise. Mebh really was abnormal? Hiro scratched his elbow, scarcely knowing what to make of that.

Small typo in these paragraphs here, though yeah. I stand by that comment about comments missing the boat during editing, since a lot of the little "off" bits that I've seen thus far in this chapter are consistent with unresolved comments in Google Docs.

The faces Mebh made at the shopkeepers was amusing for a time, but her shopping spree showed no end in sight. They’d be in the district till sundown at their pace. At the same time, impatience would get Hiro nowhere, he reminded himself. They were already in Lively Town where the specialist of the mind lived. Even if Mebh spent all day helping herself to various fabrics and garments, he’d still get to meet the Hatterene eventually.

At the same time On the other hand, there was a part of Hiro that wanted Mebh’s spree to never end. He was so close to gaining answers about who he was and where he came from that his heart couldn’t help but tremble. Did he have brothers and sisters at home waiting for him? If so, how many? What did they look like when even their faces had been robbed from him, let alone the name of his home? After wandering in the dark for over a week since Atlas first found him, the answers to learning who he was, where he’d come from, the people he once knew… all of them were now within reach of his claw tips.

He was going to remember everyone. [ ]

I think that you're missing a step in Hiro's logic here. Since he goes on about not wanting Mebh's shopping spree to end and then talks about how close he is to finding out answers, but I think that it's missing the "And that scares me / I'm not sure if I'm ready for it"-ness that circles back as to why part of Hiro doesn't want Mebh's shopping to end, and it probably makes sense to just explicitly say that.

Also, it probably makes sense to cut one or the other ‘At the same time’s from the first two paragraphs since seeing that construction repeated in such quick succession feels a bit repetitive.

Mebh crawled up and bumped his leg. She hissed softly, and shifted her gaze to the left side of the road before moving past him towards another line of shops. The Sneasel brushed his cheek and lumbered after her. How much shopping was she going to do? They were taking forever. He huffed and let a cloud of mist trail from his mouth. That was it.

“Atlas,” Hiro blurted, tugging a claw on the Ampharos’ red cape.

Atlas cast him a curious glance, his eyes drawn to the frost on Hiro’s claws.

“Worry not lad, you’ll learn to control It with time.”

Hiro: "Huh. I actually didn't realize that I was doing that. But look, Atlas, that's not what I was getting at here..."

“No, I… What?” Hiro blinked, glanced down at his arms and saw ice on them. He frantically scraped it off before speaking up again. “Do you mind if I went on ahead to the Hatterene? I can meet back up with you two later.”

Atlas hummed and folded his arms in reply. Hiro waited patiently to hear response. His eyes strayed to the ground, and he was beginning to wonder if going to Ze’Mer was a good idea. The response came at last, snapping him from his thoughts.

Yeah, see the notes regarding undeleted notes from Google Docs. In this case, I think that it's just getting rid of the brackets that you overlooked since the rest of the sentences look complete and well-formed without them.

“I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Before addressing Hiro further, Atlas waved Mebh over as the Mimikyu veered too far ahead of them in her excitement.

“You’re new to this town. Are you sure you can find your way around on your own?”

Narrator:
Image


Hiro scoffed and slapped his claw over his chest. He briefly winced as their points struck him, but shook his head back insistently.

“I’m sure I can manage just fine.”

Seven words spoken... well not seconds from disaster, but yeah. Even without having already beta read this chapter, this is more or less tempting fate for things not to end well.

Atlas smiled, amused. “This may sound odd coming from me, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. You should at least take a look at this before going off.”

Atlas fetched the Expedition Gadget from his cloak and drew Hiro’s eyes towards the map. Hiro observed that the layout of the city looked outright labyrinthine with winding paths, dead ends, and branching roads that seemed to all tangle together. That didn’t make him confident about his odds of finding this specialist of the mind. He found himself nodding idly to Atlas’ directions to Ze’Mer’s house as he tried to make sense of the map.

Hiro: "Um... do you have a paper one of these that I can mark up or something?"
:riOMEGAlu:

Atlas: "Are you even literate right now? I would've assumed that got messed up along with your memories." ^^;
Hiro: "... Right. That's a thing."

“Follow this path and you’ll find yourself there. You’ll have better luck finding her in her home at this hour,” Atlas explained [ ].

“Thanks,” Hiro said, flicking his crest feather as he pulled away from the map. “I think I get the gist of things now. Do I just tell her that I came on your behalf when I get there?”

Okay, so I realize that as a meta thing, you wanted to avoid going too heavy on wordcount on a chapter-by-chapter thing, but I do feel that this part would benefit from at least a passing mention of Atlas tracing his paw along a path heading in some general direction or something like that, since we don't really get told if or what Hiro saw in this map given how confused he was described being shortly beforehand.

Atlas scratched his chin and creased his brow. “Anymon can use my name for all sorts of things. Ze’Mer will turn you away if you try to do that. It might help if you had something a bit more tangible to reassure her.”

The shimmering golden winged badge on Atlas’s chest reflected in Hiro’s eyes as he watched the Ampharos pluck it right off and drop it in his claws. Hiro flicked his feather and gave a wary frown as he met Atlas’ eyes.

“Should you be giving me this? It looks important.” He pulled the hem of his capelet off his arm and prodded his claw on the badge. “And expensive.”

It's fine," Atlas said simply. "Show this to Ze’Mer, and she’ll listen to you.Atlas said simply.

Hiro clenched the badge in his paws, he grabbed his tail feathers in place the moment they started wagging.

IMO, Atlas' line would work a bit better with more acknowledgement of Hiro's question, since when I first saw Atlas' line, at first I thought it was out of order with Hiro's.

“If you insist,” he said with a faked cough. “Thank you. I’ll return it right after this.”

There was still a skeptical glint in Atlas’ eyes. He ultimately relented, pulled the gadget back under his cloak with a sigh.

“Very well then. Meet us at the Expedition Society later. It’s that one building over there.”

Atlas led Hiro’s eyes toward a large building in the distance, standing at the highest point of Lively Town. From where Hiro stood, it was little more than a purple and yellow blot.

Well, Lively Town is certainly bigger than it looks in the games from a description like that.

"And if you get lost, just ask any mon with a badge to help.” Atlas patted him twice on the shoulder and grinned. “Off you go now, lad.”

Hiro rubbed at his shoulder, kicked a foot on the ground and glanced towards the nearest corner. He stopped to wave Mebh goodbye. She hissed at him, though this time, it was a gentle one. She mimicked his waving gesture and Hiro smiled once more before heading off.

…...

He should have listened to Atlas.

Aaaaand there it is. So how long did this take anyways? Five minutes? >:V

The few hours Hiro spent in Aery Cliff district did little to prepare him for what Lively Town had in store with its mind numbing layout. He’d entered the mouth of the beast that was this town, and by the time he realized just what an ordeal he’d blundered into, it had snapped its jaws shut around him.

Lively Town hustled and bustled with the energy of a never-ending carnival. The town had buildings that stretched up high, small houses built atop bigger houses built atop bigger houses still. Roads zigzagged and snaked up and down hills and buildings, sometimes through structures. He even passed what appeared to be a water fountain pouring from thin air into a pool below where a group of water types leisured in. And those were just the things his mind dared try to comprehend. For one so new to Lively Town, the discordance crushed Hiro under its binds. From what vague memories he had, a solid hunch told him nothing in his world looked anything like this.

Huh, well that's definitely trippy and surreal. It defintely helps sell the sense of "We're not in Kansas, Toto" that Hiro's going through in live-time right now.

Pokemon crowded the streets everywhere he looked, chattering amongst themselves, loitering about and flocking to spontaneous street ‘jousts’ that always attracted a small crowd of spectators. The last one he passed by gave him a glimpse of a pink hammer-wielding Pokemon locked in battle against a fiery reptilian with cannons for hands.

Ah yes, the Tinkaton background cameo. It's always fun to slip in new franchise content from little appearances like these. Though I wonder if these jousts ever get out of hand or else if the local construction is just built tough and that's irrelevant for the residents.

Hiro’s tail quivered and he kept his head low, his heart pounding in his chest as if were trying to break free. He kept to the side of the road under the shadows of buildings towering over him. Just as it had been with the map, even the signboards and arrows meant to guide Hiro through the town seemed to make little sense. He’d always find the signboards twisted this way and that. Some would even point right back down the path he’d come through. Most of them presented him with glyphs and symbols he’d never seen in his life nor could he ever hope to understand.

After wandering aimlessly for another half hour, he came by a corner with a few food stalls. A thought sprang to his mind to approach a friendly-looking Lairon he spotted by a berry selling vendor and seek directions to find his way around the tangled streets.

Hiro: "... Wait, why on earth did I not think of stopping to ask for directions sooner?"
:mewtwofacepalm:


Hiro steeled himself and took a breath. He approached with a nervous smile, ears folded back as he spoke up.

“Hey, excuse me. I’m a bit new here and I think I’m lost,” Hiro said. “I need to go to Hatter’s Focus. Can you tell me the way there?”

The Lairon spared him a glance and boredly waved a forepaw back in reply.

“Oh, the glittery witch’s house? Go up the down there, behind the crunched egg tunnel, hop on over three flakes to the right, cycle back and climb up the hoolaboo. That should get you there.”

Hiro:
:VidriBlink:

"I'm sorry, could you run that by me a second-"
Lairon: "No."

The Lairon finished, and shifted his weight to resume the conversation he was having with a smoky shelled Wartortle. They’d already forgotten the Sneasel still standing there.

Hiro tilted his head. “What?”

When the Lairon repeated those same directions again, Hiro turned around and made himself scarce. He did not ask for further directions afterwards.


Oh right, I forgot that the Lairon actually repeats the directions. Though I wonder if those directions were literal, or if the 'flakes' and 'hoolaboo' are terms that Hiro has no frame of reference for that his isekai autotranslator is failing at handling.

A growl whirred in Hiro’s throat, followed by a hiss as he pulled his capelet around him. Even if he wanted to crawl back to Atlas and Mebh, he couldn’t. The cacophony of sounds and cocktail of scents in the air muddled his still learning ears and nose. The path back to Aery Cliff was lost to him, and the path ahead would lead him nowhere closer to where he wanted to go. Hiro had no idea where he was. He sighed and marched on, ears drooping all the while. How could he have made such a blunder? He’d spoken so boldly about finding his way to Ze’Mer fine on his own.

I'd have suggested marking the corners you took to find your path since that'd be handy for navigating a maze in general, but that's probably a fast way to be detained for vandalism if you tried that in a town. ^^;

Up ahead, a bridge overlooking a steady stream peeked out at the end of an alleyway. A part of Hiro’s soul felt comforted in seeing a mundane bridge made of stone—even in this strange world, there were some things that still felt familiar. He scraped his claw on the bridge parapet while he walked over it, stopping at the point above the river. The city stretched before him in all its fantastical multicolored glory. He lingered and leaned with his back against the bridge, sliding to the ground with the saddest meow he’d ever made so far.

And almost as soon as he did so, Hiro’s ears shot upright at the sound of a suppressed snicker.

Ah yes, time for Roselia to pop up in this story. Though that art you embedded in this version of your story is very well-timed for this moment.

He shot a glance at the other side of the bridge to find a small green Pokemon peeking over, black beady eyes meeting his before the Pokemon quickly hid away. A Roselia, his mind announced. Hiro’s eyes narrowed into a squint after Roselia peeked over at him again. Did they need something from him?

Hiro waved his claw in greeting. “Hey.”

Hiro: "Um... can I help you, or...?"

Roselia blinked, as though snapped out of a trance. They shot a glance to their left and right, then back at Hiro, before smiling awkwardly and cupping flowers over their chest. From how they acted, Hiro assumed they must’ve been a girl.

I wonder if that's also the internal isekai Pokédex in action or else if he's assuming that based on lingering human assumptions. Since just saying, if you turn up the xenofiction about Pokémon biology for some species, that could lead to some lulzy moments involving misgendering down the line.

“Hello, Sneasel. Are you all by yourself?” she asked in a voice soft and delicate that Hiro’s heart almost fluttered. Something black and smooth hid in the cusps of those vibrant petals, which made Hiro quirk a brow.

An answer didn’t immediately come to Hiro, his mind still fixed on whatever it was Roselia held in her flower. But that short pause proved long enough for the Roselia to squirm and begin to ramble on.

“I hate to be a bother, but I saw you wandering about and thought you seemed a bit lost. I wasn’t really sure whether you were or not, so I followed along and you just sat there looking mopey, so I figured I should just make sure you were okay and…”

Roselia kept going and going, his face growing greener with each passing moment. How could anyone say so much in a single breath?

IMO, the last paragraph might work better cut up into two smaller ones. And that's called being a motormouth, Hiro. o<o

“Calm down, I’m not lost,” Hiro cut in. He sighed and groaned. “This town just makes my head spin from how noisy and err… crowded it is, but I’ll figure my way out.” A few seconds of silence went by, and his expression stranded. “Sounds stupid, right? probably.”

Roselia: "Yeah, no, you're really obviously lost."
:lyleUnamused:


Roselia tilted his head to the side, nearly toppling over before righting himself up.

“It’s not stupid though? At least I don’t think that it is…” she said, her face once again hidden behind flowers.

Hiro flicked an ear and huffed out a breath. He eyed Roselia closer and a glimmer of familiarity crossed his mind. His lips parting slowly as he voiced a thought.

“Hey, you were there at the café when we were having breakfast, weren’t you?”

Roselia leapt on the spot and looked as if she’d shrunk by half her size.

Missing a newline here in this section.

“Err, maybe…?”

Hiro sprang to his feet and walked up to Roselia, his pupils drawn to narrow slits and a claw pointing down.

“You definitely were.” He squinted, his pupils expanding. “I definitely saw that same bow poking out behind the counter before.”

“You did?” Roselia shied away from the very sharp claw pointing at the bow on her middle horn.

Roselia: "Also, just saying, but could you not go pointing that willy-nilly so close to my body?"
:grohno~2:


Hiro widened his eyes slightly. He didn’t mean to scare her so he lowered his arms, almost hiding them behind his back.

“Yeah I… it caught my eye a little. I think it’s a nice bow.” Hiro’s tail feathers flickered to the side and he shifted his foot on the dirt.

“I’m Hiro by the way.” And in a whisper added, “At least I think I am.”

Roselia stepped closer to Hiro, eyes sparkling in awe. “You have a name…”

Hiro: "Yes? And? Is that supposed to be important?"

Hiro narrowed his eyes back at Roselia, who caught herself and backed away a step then another. An awkward veil hung in the air. Why did everyone react so oddly to him having a name?

Hiro waved his claw dismissively as he spoke.

“Look, Miss, is it really all that strange to have a…”

Hiro’s words trailed off when Roselia’s eyes widened like plates, petals curling inward, face flushing greener than her leaves. A rusty shelled Bisharp walked past them on the bridge, and yet Roselia still stood frozen like a statue even after they’d crossed. What had come over her? Hiro pulled his ears back and raised a steady paw forward. Roselia flinched and quickly composed herself.

Hiro: "O... kay then. Having a name's apparently important here, but... er... I think that I'm a bit out of the loop here. Why is being named such a big deal again?"

“N-not everymon has a name. Call me just Roselia! A-and I’m a boy… now,” Roselia blurted, and muttered something else under his breath that Hiro was too stunned to pick up on. He’d been so sure about Roselia that the revelation hit him like a mallet to the face.

The Sneasel drew back his paw over his chest. He mouthed an apology and squirmed inwardly with embarrassment. Right. A Pokemon’s voice told one little at times about who it belonged to, as he’d learned from personal experience. Just a few days ago he’d met a Walriein mother who had the voice of a squeaking rabbit while her Spheal child sounded like a dying old man.

... Oh right, the xenofiction-driven misgendering actually happens this chapter.
:hoodLUL:


Hiro snapped out of his own stupor, and caught Roselia’s wavering gaze dancing along at the bricks lining the bridge wall. Hiro brushed his cheek with the flat end of his claw, cleared his throat and then spoke up to clear the awkward air, “Right. Uhm… You followed me all the way out here from the café, didn’t you? Did you need something from me?"

Roselia flinched, snapping his gaze at Hiro as though he’d woken up from a horrible dream.

“That’s… that’s not it. Well it is, but err…” Roselia hurried over, virid vines stretching from his roses, presenting a black thread ball to Hiro. “One of your companions forgot this when you came over. I-I’m just here to return it.”

Hiro: "Wait, Mebh actually left this behind? With the way that she is about her sewing supplies?" .-.

Hiro eyed the vines closely, almost mesmerized by them as they slithered like tiny snakes. He plucked the silk ball like a fruit out of the vines, fiddling with it in his paws as a name came to mind.

“Right. This is Mebh’s.”

Hiro scratched his cheek and shot Roselia a glance. Aery Cliff was nowhere near where they were, and Hiro had been going in circles in the city for what felt like hours further away from the cafe. No, it had been hours. Had Roselia been following him the whole time?

Roselia:
Image

"What can I say? I take my customer satisfaction very seriously."
Hiro: "I... feel like I should be a bit concerned right now." .-.

“You didn’t have to come all the way here to return it. I’m pretty sure Mebh has more than enough where these come from.” And that wasn’t even getting into how she was surely still gorging herself on clothing store wares as they spoke.

Roselia’s lips curled in a faint smile, his eyes fixed to Hiro’s. Did he still want something else from him? Before Hiro could wander his mind for a clue, Roselia straightened his arms and backed away again.

“Well err… that’s all then! Sorry for disturbing you. I know you Delvers have very busy lives…”

Hiro: "Wait, 'Delvers'? Did Atlas ever introduce that term to me in an earlier chapter?" ^^;

Delvers? Hiro tilted his head slightly and didn’t recognize the term. Roselia flailed his roses, spilling pollen to the air as he quickened his pace back the way he’d come from.

While Roselia sped off, a sinking feeling spread out from his chest down to his toes. He still didn’t have the slightest idea of where he was or how to get to Ze’Mer. If he just left Roselia to dart off like this, he’d be straight back to being lost and alone without any sense of direction.

Hiro:
Image


"Yeah, I should go and stop him right now to ask for directions."

He moved without thinking.

Hiro overtook the flower pokemon in a trail of white, his eyes narrowed to slits as he blocked the path forward.

Roselia stiffened and spread his arms wide, acting on the instinct to appear as a harmless shrub. Upon seeing the fright in Roselia’s eyes, Hiro flattened his ears to his head, and paced back a step. He twiddled his claws and tried to explain himself, except his words kept evading him like startled antelopes on a field.

Hiro: "Uh, yeah, so I'm not lost but I... might be a bit directionally challenged right now."
:fearfullaugh~1:

Roselia: "Well, I suppose that wouldn't be surprising for someone who hangs out with Atlas, but again, you're totally lost."
:eltywtf:


“Listen… I’m sorry about scaring you like that. But there’s something I need your help with. I actually am lost right now. Very lost.” Hiro exhaled a sigh, and barely held back the distressed mewl rising up his throat. “If it’s alright with you, can you help me find the place called ‘Hatter’s Focus’?”

He mewled anyway that time, and a part of his soul died inside from embarrassment. Roselia regarded him with a curious look in his beady black eyes. His arms relaxed as he cupped his roses over his face.

Ah yes, cue Hiro
:veeblush:
-facing in live-time right now.

“Hatter’s Focus? Why are you going there? You seem fine...?”

Hiro quirked a brow and the flower mon cupped his roses over his mouth. The Grass-type averted his eyes and gave off a scent of lemons. That earned a raised brow, but before Hiro could even ask Roselia spoke again.

“O-oh, of course that’s none of my business, whatever’s wrong with you that is! The building’s not far from here really. Erm…” Roselia glanced between Hiro and the path behind him, contemplating what to do. Under his breath he grumbled, “I’m sure Steenee won’t mind me taking a while since she put me up to this.”

Scent of lemons, huh? So Roselia emit smells based on their emotional state in this setting. Duly noted.

Hiro blinked twice. “Steenee?”

Roselia breathed a gasp.

“No one! Well not no one no one. Erm…” Roselia scurried off, stopped when he remembered Hiro, whirled around and beckoned the sneasel over with a flower. “Please, just follow me this way. We’ll be there faster than a latias’ message.”

Hiro didn’t have the slightest clue what that meant, but he nonetheless smiled. Roselia struck him as odd, but now he could finally go through the mind bending maze of Lively Town. The best part was that he didn’t have to do it alone.

Hiro: "Er... thanks? I mean, I was just expecting that you'd tell me how to get to Hatter's Focus, but considering how my last attempt went... this is probably the better route to take." ^^;

Around the bends and down cobblestone paths, a blue and pink house stood out, and was shaped like a head wearing a hat whose dome-like head glittering starlight off its walls. A chimney stretched over the roof and tapered to a point where a long tube snaked out of and whirled down to a lumpy hand-like structure that rested beside the building.

Hiro gasped in awe. They modeled the building after not just any hat, but a witch’s hat, at least based on what vague echoes he could recall of what they were supposed to look like.

The building itself sat snugly in the middle of an intersection where it made the mundane buildings surrounding it look drab by comparison. They all seemed to have an odd and unnatural air—the one on the side looked like a purple coral plucked right out of a reef—but the witch’s building stood out because nothing else looked quite like it.

One of these days, you ought to do a picture of a street scene from Weaversong's Lively Town, since boy does it sound like a trip at the moment just from that description.

Instinct whispered in Hiro’s ear like a temptress begging him to run his claws against those smooth walls. How high could he climb? Could he zip across to the coral-like building if he jumped from the tip of the hat?

Hiro forced his eyes shut and shook his head. Not again. To distract his half-feral mind, he filled his head with attempts at deducing whatever complicated processes must’ve been needed to craft such a building. How did it even hold itself together?

Narrator:
Image

Hiro: "O... kay then, let's just go with that and not question it too hard." ^^;

“This is the place,” Roselia muttered.

Hiro snapped out of his idle thoughts and paused in his tracks, his eyes following the Roselia’s. There was a teardrop shaped wooden door with a plaque at the top which beckoned them forward. He found more of those strange symbols carved into a plaque on the door as they approached the building.

“Hatter’s Focus,” mouthed Roselia as he read the symbols. A smile flicked the edge of his lips. “Yeah, this is the place.”

- Beat moment -
Hiro: "Wait. Those squiggly glyph thingies are writing?!" O_O;
Roselia: "Yes? What did you think they were?" ^^;

Hiro nodded idly to himself; eyes fixed to the name plaque Roselia read. He’d handwaved the runic symbols in the expedition gadget as an odd quirk of the device, dismissed the letters on the town posts as being decorative symbols at most, but now… he couldn’t deny the reality in front of him any longer. Those symbols were writing, and the Sneasel was about as literate as a newborn infant in this world.

Hiro: "Seriously, who on earth thought it was a good idea to send me to an alien world able to speak and identify every Pokémon I come across just by looking at them but not be able to read a simple sentence?" >_>;

Just another problem to add to the pile, like feeding coal to a steadily building fire. He’d solve them all. One thing at a time, before it burned him down to the marrow.

You have a superfluous period that it makes sense to cut from this paragraph here.

Air rushed to Hiro’s lungs as he took a deep breath, a puff of mist streaming from his mouth as he exhaled. He clenched his claws and stared firmly at the door. With luck, he’d be able to solve his inability to read along with his memories once he went into that workshop.

“H-hey, is something wrong?” Roselia finally found the courage to ask.

Hiro’s gaze drew to him and waved his claw as if that’d cast all worries adrift to the wind. “It’s nothing.”

Roselia:
:UnimpressedCabot:

Hiro: "Okay, let me rephrase that: it's nothing important or that you need to worry about." >_>;

Roselia didn’t say more afterwards, so Hiro took the lead in walking over to the door, giving a few solid knocks with the back of his claw. First came silence, then a metallic click from the other side.

The door creaked open and a pale white skinned pokemon peeked through. It was a Kirlia whose green pig tails had been dyed black and decorated with glitter. Looking at them reminded Hiro of nights he’d spent stargazing on their journey to Lively Town.

Huh. Interesting. I assume that this is meant to deliberately evoke Mega Gardevoir's shiny appearance.

Kirlia cleared his throat and pulled his shawl behind his shoulder.

“Can I help you, Sneasel?” he asked.

Hiro: "Uh... wait, you are a 'he', right? Since you sound like one, but..."
:fearfullaugh~1:


Caught staring, Hiro quickly averted his eyes and blushed. Atlas never mentioned anything about a Kirlia and in that moment he’d completely forgotten the golden badge. Said Kirlia’s attention wandered down to the golden badge Hiro had in his left claw.

“That badge, I recognize it. Isn’t that Atlas’?” the Kirlia observed, locked eyes with Hiro. “He sent you?”

Hiro: "... Wow, this thing really did come in handy."
:bulbuhhh:


Hiro answered with a nod and straightened his back. “I’m looking for Ze’Mer. Is she here?”

Kirlia appraised the Sneasel in front of him. He made a quick judgement and stepped aside for him to enter as the door opened wide on its own. “She’s around. Come inside.”

Atlas’ name clearly carried a lot of power for things to have gone so smoothly. Kirlia didn’t even demand an explanation for who he was, nor probe him with questions he’d struggle to answer.

Hiro: "... Who on earth is Atlas for everyone to react like this to him, anyways?" .-.

Hiro paused for a moment, relief seeping into his bones as he exhaled. He cast his flowery companion a glance. “Are you coming with, Roselia?”

Roselia parted his lips as if to answer, looked between the building and the path outside, and decided to follow them in after a sigh.

A velvet blue carpet welcomed them inside Ze’Mer’s abode. Hiro thought the inside would look much like the outside—clad in walls of pink and blue—but instead, he found dark purple walls the moment he stepped in. He looked to the wall to his right and almost jumped in fright. A green creature resembling a fly trap juggling torches stared back at him. Why did the creature look so bizarre?

Wait, a fly trap juggling torches? I assume that that's supposed to be Carnivine, but I admittedly wouldn't have reflexively associated its wingleaf things as being a 'torch juggler' in appearance.

“Wait here,” Kirlia said, his back facing them as he gestured at the assortment of furniture in the waiting room.

They shuffled inside, Hiro taking a stool for himself while Roselia nestled on a small pillow not much bigger than himself. Hiro wandered let his gaze wander about the room of starry posters, ornate shelves, and a chandelier that hung from above which filled the room with a soft warm glow.

Small phrasing tweak that I'd recommend for the second paragraph here.

Kirlia drew everyone’s gaze to a door arched with interlaced patterns of blue and purple. Hiro scratched an itch on his neck and idly wondered what waited behind the door. Faint voices whispered from beneath, Hiro’s ears flicking each time they tickled him.

Kirlia’s gaze drifted to the door as well. Everyone went quiet, and the air grew still enough that one could hear a pin drop.

Hiro quirked a brow at the unusual silence until he heard Roselia whisper a question, ‘Telepathy?’

Oh, so telepathy in this setting is inherently directional between a speaker and listener. Or at least it can be under at least some circumstances. Noted for the future.

Before Hiro could ask what Roselia meant, Kirlia nodded all by himself, brushed a hand over his shawl and stood perfectly still. A breath’s pause later, the other door creaked open and a pokemon with a body of blue and pink walked out. They towered over them as they approached the living room, a shadow always cast over her features by her witch-like hat and flowy blue hair. With how tall they were, Hiro shifted uncomfortably, pointedly reminded of how small he truly was as a Sneasel.

Hiro: "Um... h-hi? You wouldn't happen to be Ze'Mer, would you?"
:FearfulMeowth:


That aside, he had a hunch that this was who he was looking for: Ze’Mer the Hatterene. Her appearance wasn’t any less striking than Kirlia’s. Her dark eyes seemed to glimmer like a starlit sky. The underside of her hat was dyed in dark paint and glitter, which ran down her face like a waterfall forming a veil.

“Atlas sent somemon to me?” Ze’Mer asked, with a voice so gentle it could calm a stampede of antelopes. Her gaze hovered over the room and found Hiro and Roselia. “So, which one of you is the one he wanted me to see?”

Ah yes, I see that this is another 'some/everymon' setting. I'd forgotten about that. That makes me wonder how common that is in the fandom, since I've seen that pop up in a few fics now.

“Pardon me, Master.” Kirlia clapped his hands, vanished and reappeared beside Ze’Mer, earning him curious glances from the others. “It would be the Sneasel.”

Hiro shot to his feet, flicked his tail feathers and clenched the nervous tremor in his claws. He called upon courage like rekindling a dying flame and drew a breath.

“My name is Hiro. Atlas said you could help me,” Hiro said, taking a step towards her.

“‘Hiro’… I see.” Ze’Mer and Kirlia exchanged glances. “So you’re named.”

Hiro: "Okay, seriously. Can someone please just tell me why being named is such a big deal?" >_>;
Ze'Mer: "We'll get there. Just pace yourself for now, 'Hiro'."

Hiro’s ear flicked and he came to a pause. Were names really that much of a big deal to them? A part of him began to wonder if he should start hiding that he had one at all, but the cat was out of the bag now.

“Very well. Come with me, I’d like to hear more about your situation and then we can commence with proper treatment,” Ze’Mer said, gesturing her tentacle hand to the door behind her.

Hiro: "Um... what is this going to entail again?"
:fearfullaugh~1:

Ze'Mer: "Getting your memories back? Don't sweat the details too much, it gets in the way of the therapy's effectiveness."

Hiro’s heart quickened as he eyed that door. Could he uncover his forgotten life by walking into it? Kirlia stayed by the door as Hiro followed Ze’Mer inside, and the Sneasel spared a moment to glance at Roselia.

“Oh, I dragged you into this, didn’t I?” Hiro mumbled apologetically.

Hiro: "Wait, so were you just awkwardly standing there the entire time, or...?" ^^;
Roselia: "I mean, it hardly would've been appropriate to thrust myself into the conversation when this is your memory therapy that Ze'Mer was talking about."

Roselia averted his eyes and chuckled. “It’s alright. I can just wait here. My shift’s already over and how long would a session with Ze’Mer take anyways?”

“You don’t really have to, you know…?”

“But wouldn’t you get lost again if I go…?”

Hiro’s cheeks warmed and his ears drooped, to which Roselia hid his face behind roses and chuckled. Hiro smiled in turn. He supposed there wasn’t much else to say. He shared one last glance with Roselia and Kirlia and followed Ze’Mer into the other room.

Yeah, Roselia totally cooked up that "but you need me as a guide" as an excuse to hang around longer with Hiro, I can already tell. Especially since the whole being named thing probably gave away that Hiro is human and with all the implications which would come with that in this world.

Alright, and onto the recap. I know that you've been a bit worried at times about pacing, but I honestly thought that what you had here was pretty good since we're still in the process of taking in the world along with Hiro and getting to discover its quirks along with that dawning realization that Hiro is really important, while also getting on the literal doorstep of the first major goal the plot gave Hiro after he made it past surviving the first chapter. I'm a bit curious as to where this will go, but I suppose based off what I've heard through the grapevine, I won't need to wait too much longer to find out. The art as always is a nice touch to the chapter, though as a pre-emptive warning given that one of your banner arts seems to be affected, but make sure that the image link isn't hosted on Discord since Discord started to make image links expire after about a week as of like a month ago.

There were a few odds-and-ends criticisms that I had about this chapter that basically boiled down to a bunch of small errors scattered throughout. There were a couple spots where it looked like you didn't clean up your notes from drafting fully (e.x. those two paragraphs with the dangling brackets). For things that are less "blatant errors", I saw a few other places where I didn't quite see eye to eye with phrasing or paragraph formatting, and a couple others where some minor extensions felt to me like they'd improve the overall prose of a given section here or there, but the chapter as a whole is pretty well put-together, and the problems that I saw don't seem like they'd take that much time or effort to iron out.

It took a bit longer than I'd initially hoped, but I'm glad to finally be caught up with Weaversong again, @Adamhuarts . And I'll be looking forward to seeing more of Hiro's adventures in his new world in the near future. Both in a capacity as one of your betas, and as a reader of the finished product. ^^
 

Kiba Makuro

Junior Trainer
Pronouns
He/Him, They/Them
Hello Adam it’s been quite a while, but I’m back for some Weaversong for the china cabinet, V-Wheel.

I’m going to be reviewing Chapter 4, Church, Caudle, and Furlong. Good thing I am familiar with this chapter, it makes trying to compile my thoughts easier.

We get to see a tiny bit of development for Hiro in this chapter. In terms of his personality, the audience gets to view his reactions to things that happen around him. Adam, I know you have been talking about making him less passive in the future, so I can't wait to see more of that.

Now let's talk about Mebh. I have a feeling about what you are trying to do with the Mimikyu but I personally believe she needs more dialogue or we get to see more of her actual thoughts for her to be more interesting.

Atlas time. Toward the middle of the chapter we get to take a little dive into your true potential with the Expedition Society Chief, Mr. Wandering Thunder himself.

We are told about the Ampharos's thoughts, which I believe since we might actually be in 3 person roaming limited scene by scene or just straight up 3 person omniscient. I wish we actually had them as how thoughts are presented in writing at times, essentially as a private conversation.

Atlas has a conversation about some human lore and his current journey with Mawile, Thena, and this is where we can see more of his actual personality. Not being told everything allows the audience to feel more attached to a character.

I’d talk about Thena in detail but we haven’t met her in person yet. She seems quite similar to her PSMD counterpart, but I feel a softer, less formal side during parts of the Expedition Gadget conversation with Atlad.

Roselia was pretty fun too. We saw another glimpse into his work life, and his relationship with Atlas, well we saw it through the talks with his co-workers. Sceptile, Marcatus, and Steenee. By Mebh's carelessness, there's a reason for Roselia to meet up again with Atlas and the gang.

This chapter is a step in the right direction for all the character interactions I'd say. I do have some gripes about Hiro and Mebh's dialogue, and it being either vague or a bit bland. Personally I think they should have had more ‘actual’ exchanges, not just implications.

Now for prose. I truly enjoyed the environmental descriptions of Drago's Watch. The weather, the general vibe of the area was shown off well.

Unfortunately, an issue I noticed was the lack of the same treatment for the characters. Now it might be because Weaversong might not know what perspective it wants to be.

Species names are absent, and any of their epithets, which I personally believe should be used sparingly or descriptors are gone too. It doesn't help that there aren't many actions the characters take that mention specifics of their bodies, there are a few for Hiro's feathers, even less for his claws, but barely any for anyone else.

Thankfully this slightly ends when Mebh becomes part of the focus with Hiro as the two explore away from Atlas. There still are quite a few sentences where they begin the same way with just pronouns of a character, not even their name, which can sometimes lead to some of the details getting lost. Repetition is definitely tricky, but I felt like this wasn't necessarily intentional on your part.

We get some more area descriptions and are shown some effects that Hiro and co deal with on and in Lively Town, with the Salamence ride. There are a few passive voice quirks throughout the whole chapter, but I noticed they increase when we zoom in on Hiro and Roselia, with the ‘had _, and could _’. Things just just sorta happen to characters. But not with an active voice, here's some examples of more active statements: _’s _ dropped, or _ blanketed the _.

We get to see some more of your takes on “custom” locations in PSMDs Water Continent with this whole chapter. The architecture of Drago's Watch had a few highlights shown off, the tower with the Fraxure to name one. However I found myself lost about the section near the Dragonair, where Hiro wonders “if the lord of the land forces them to make their homes this way.” I guess this was in reference to the roof but it felt glossed over in favor of descriptions of the weather.

More importantly back in the inn we get quite a bit to chew on between Atlas and Thena. I'm glad Hiro saying words that wouldn't exist in the PSMD world has got some meaningful insight, and it's where we get our chapter title drop.

Personally I'd like for the Sneasel to have said these words in a flashback or actually in a chapter and for Atlas to take note before he mentions them to Thena. It feels like conveniently just omitting the specifics of relevant dialogue only to be told the Ampharos heard them.

Human culture and influence has been partially documented here in your PSMD world, especially in a Mist Continent town, The Town With No Name, where every Pokemon has a name is one such example. It’s a bit interesting how almost every important character does have a name, but eh whatever, suppose it’s not just lesser side characters without them.

Either way this all gets put on hold as the three make it to Lively Town, and a new area, Aery Cliffs.

For a next arc set up I think this ends the chapter well, with Roselia going to see Atlas and his crew. I know what happens next, but I’ll save that for another review.

Anyway that’s all I have for now. Good luck on the future chapters!
 

Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Partners
  1. reshiram
  2. zygarde
Hi! Here for your Catnip! I don't know if I've read this or one of your previous PMD fics before but this draft seems new to me so let's get started!

Ah, the old plight of an amnesiac human waking up in a Pokemon's body. At least Sneasel are bipedal which means less getting used to.... though I guess

Hmmm he remembers one (1) thing and it's a mysterious voice telling him to find him and that all hope had been lost. That bodes well!

also ZERO TO HIRO-

Okay yeah getting used to movement isn't going too badly, but there is one thing throwing him off: feathers. on his butt. Like a bird. When you're a mammal. Freaky shit man.

Deerling? I have one thing to say to that: Oh deer.

So Hiro can at least remember what Sneasel is and that it's a Pokemon. Which makes me think:

Hiro: -finding his second Pokemon- "Getting a lot of Sneasel vibes from this one"

(He didn't do that with the Deerling but shhhhh)

aliens.png

Throw rocks at the aliens and make them scream, an ideal solution.

This is a nice chase slash fight scene btw

I love the single solitary BEEP

And rescuers come to Hiro's aid! But he doesn't get to see them because one knocks him out. Rude.

That was a cute first chapter! Rather simple yeah but to the point and does its job as a intro chapter well. I do wonder what the voices in Hiro's head were talking about... Thanks for posting!
 

Ambyssin

Gotta go back. Back to the past.
Location
Residency hell
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. silvally-dragon
  2. necrozma-ultra
  3. milotic
  4. zoroark-soda
  5. dreepy
  6. mewtwo-ambyssin
I guess I read the first chapter of this at some point and then nothing else. I'm not sure if "go directly to Lively Town do not pass Serene Village do not collect $200" is this fic speedrunning the PSMD plot or just going off the rails immediately from the get go. If you want to do a bigger scope, then I can see the value in skipping Serene Village. Especially if Hiro's not meant to partner up with anyone there. Seems like there's a lot of focus on gen 7 and 8 'mon with the Expedition Society. A mimikyu and a hatterene. I wonder how much of your expedition society is original characters vs your take on canon ones, like Ampharos. Atlas is, uh, much more of a strictly business person than his game counterpart. Which is good for moving things along, though I do wonder if his more serious tone is meant to reflect the cast being overall more serious and muted. Hard to say this soon.

You write mimikyu body language very well IMO. Good skill to have if Mebh is an important character here. Hiro's still in a bit of a blank slate state for me. Which seems intentional, given the amnesia. Hopefully you're able to fill in that 'canvas' so to speak in the chapters that follow.
 
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