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So we are skipping the village and going straight to the journey to Lively Town. Given the way the usual PSMD plot goes, it does lose a bit of luster for me now that there isn't an element of "sneaking off to go to the big city" and is just Ampharos taking Hiro there. Fortunately, it seems like this is the only chapter dedicated to the journey. And the dungeons are more or less glossed over in favor. Which I'm fine with, since there isn't much Hiro can do right now. It's a risk to have your protag be completely powerless but since he hasn't been in any real danger since the Beheeyem, it's not a big deal in either direction narratively for me.
Chapter 3 gives me the impression that Mebh is the classic "creepy cute" character. The way she talks like someone who's a little crazy but ultimately means well. I like it. Though based on the stuff Roselia overhears I wonder if that will create challenges going forward.
I'm not entirely sure why you decided to have Ampharos still be directionally challenged when he seems so competent with everything else. I'd suggest saying he only has an issue with directions inside dungeons, but that's arguably worse considering he leads the Expedition Society. You could probably take that out of this chapter and I'd find it more consistent with what was established in chapter 2. :P
His frustration growing, Hiro stomped to the tree he'd marked earlier and snarled. A quick swipe from his claw left another mark on it, and then another, and another.
Weaversong, I’ve read the first three chapters of this fic and think I might have a pretty good grasp on how the story is going thus far. Herein I shall share my thoughts and opinions on the story. First off, the characters so far.
Hiro,
I like Hiro, but not as much as I think that I should. So far he seems a bit too passive in things, lacking initiative and being dragged along by other characters. I do not know if this is currently intentional or not but I am going to assume that getting over this will be part of their character growth. Their moment with Mebh was very sweet but I felt that may have been more of Mebh’s doing than Hiro’s. So far it seems Hiro is more a character for others to bounce off of than he is a character who bounces off others. As stated before, I am not certain if this is plot related or not but these are my current thoughts.
Atlas
Two chapters in I know very little about Atlas. Once again it feels more like he bounces off Hiro than Hiro bounces off him. I would have liked Hiro to call attention to his lack of direction because without that bit of character interaction it felt as if this quirk was more to get the Expedition Device into Hiro’s hands than to expand on Atlas’ character. Still though, it is quite early in the story and there is much more room for interaction. I am hopeful that Atlas will be expanded upon more in the coming chapters, as it seems his only role right now is to exposition dump on Hiro and ask questions.
Mebh
Mebh easily has the most character of the trio so far despite speaking the least. Her pseudo-feral nature plays well with Hiro’s complete lack of world knowledge and her simplistic view of things shall serve as an excellent foil for when certain characters shall overanalyze. At least that is my prediction. The moment she shared with Hiro when they ‘played’ I felt was an excellent way to ease Hiro into pokemon powers, it felt very natural and gave a bit of insight into the characters’ problem solving skills.
The plot
The plot, as advertised, seems to be following Pokemon Super Mystery Dungeon’s plot loosely. For those who have played that game before a couple of the story beats may seem familiar. I am eager to see how the story shall diverge from that plot as seeing it played too straight would dissolve a lot of the reveals or tension. Not much to say here, it is too early at only 3 chapters in for me to have a firm grasp on the overarching narrative beyond the immediate character motivation of Hiro finding their footing.
In conclusion
I like the story so far, Hiro seems a bit one note as does Atlas but I’m certain that both will improve over time once Hiro gets over the initial shock of being an amnesiac. The character interactions available thus far are charming. Mebh is hard carrying the team right now in my opinion, eager to see more of them. After posting, I shall read the following chapters and possibly eagerly await more.
If a mind could trudge through six layers of murky mud, Roselia's was proof it was possible. They recalled, and recalled and continued to recall Hiro's brief mishap from when they'd first met, when the Sneasel called him a girl without meaning to. Each word echoed in their mind, over and over. A river of poisoned sundew was pooling around their feet, tantalizing and yet frightening to venture into.
Roselia brought a vine to their bow and sucked in a breath. Hiro hadn't made a mistake. Not really, right? Roselia wondered… could she once again answer as…? She closed her eyes and saw flames, ashes, a golden badge discarded on the ground.
A sharp gasp wrenched itself free through Roselia's mouth, as if the smoke and soot from those flames clung to his lungs. He pushed those thoughts back deep in his mind, hammered nails on their proverbial door frame and tossed the key down a ditch to be forgotten. Misery loomed above his head like storm clouds.
Approaching footsteps announced Kirlia's return and snapped Roselia out of his reverie. Good timing. Just when he needed a distraction, too. Roselia straightened his back, watching as Kirlia brought a tray holding two ceramic cups and a jug. A faint aroma wafted towards him. Was it tea?
Kirlia smiled and set the tray down. Reddish-brown tea flowed into the cup, which Kirlia floated into Roselia's flowers.
"Apologies. It's not much," he said, "but we hadn't been expecting guests today."
"O-oh it's all fine, really…" Roselia blew his breath over the surface of his cup before taking a sip. A grimace pulled his lips almost right away. Kirlia's tea lacked the rich—yet subtle—tanginess of the blends he'd gotten so used to brewing for himself during breaks on the job. Much to his embarrassment, the café customers sometimes would say his tea tasted like sunshine, but this one tasted like lukewarm disappointment.
Kirlia cast Roselia a glance. Roselia could feel the Psychic-type's question coming before it even arrived.
"I've been wondering. How come Atlas sent somemon to Master personally? It's unusual. Doesn't Dit handle that sort of thing?" Kirlia remarked.
Roselia stared back at him with a slow blink. "He doesn't… do that often?"
"In my five years of being Master's apprentice, this is the first I've seen him do so." Kirlia reached for the jug, filling the second cup with tea for himself. "Did your friend tell you what brought him in?"
Roselia neither knew how to answer that question nor what to answer with. He averted his gaze with flushed cheeks.
"I didn't ask. We're not… friends." Feeling like that statement alone was a grave offense, Roselia quickly clarified. "I mean, I just met him today! So…"
The question of why Kirlia was so bothered by it, and if it was any of his business, naturally sprang to Roselia's mind. Then it hit him. The mind specialist's apprentice would of course be this curious about something this odd… Maybe.
"Your friend's certainly not been exposed to creeping void," Kirlia said.
The mere mention of creeping void nearly sent Roselia into a coughing fit. He forced himself to swallow the tea in his mouth, thankful Kirlia went on without pausing to look his way.
"None of the symptoms of a mon who overstayed his welcome in a dungeon were apparent in him." Kirlia glanced at Roselia and parted his lips like he wanted to say something. Instead he cleared his throat and shook his head. "Ah, excuse me. You're not a delver, are you?"
Roselia shook his head swiftly. "N-no, but I know what you're talking about! I've studied all sorts of things to do with dungeons." His shoulders bounced in a shrug. "In my free time anyway."
A hint of amusement crossed over Kirlia's eyes which instantly made Roselia squirm inside nervously. "So you're a prospective delver, then?"
"Ah, well… No." Roselia glanced off to the side and became mute.
Tick, tock, tick, tock, went the clock on the wall, filling the drawn-out silence.
A sound reached Roselia which he could swear had been a chuckle.
"You don't seem to be enjoying the tea," Kirlia observed.
Roselia recoiled on the spot and nearly spilled his entire cup on the carpet. He wiped away the few drops that managed to spill, all the while managing an awkward smile at Kirlia.
"No, no. The tea's fine, really… I just have a sharper taste for it because of my work," Roselia muttered. He half glanced at Kirlia to find his brow raised.
"You work at a café?"
Roselia nodded his head with vigor and gripped his vines strongly around his cup. "Yes! I… uhm…" His gaze flitted around the room. "I can show you if you let me brew some tea here… if you want."
The look he saw in Kirlia's face showed surprise. "No need to go that far. I was merely curious, mildly so in fact."
That didn't deter Roselia one bit. Entirely driven by the rush of passion—one he could already feel starting to deflate—he was quick to insist and push.
"Please, it's no trouble at all. I'm the one who's offering." He glanced towards the door and stood up. "Hiro and Hatterene might be thirsty when they're done in there. I'll make enough for them too."
Kirlia brushed his palm over his chin, hopefully to consider the good idea Roselia was proposing. Of course, staying in one room for who knows how long would get anymon in the mood for a rejuvenating drink to wash their fatigue away.
The sigh that ensued let Roselia know he'd won him over.
…..
Hiro trailed behind Ze'Mer, watching her drift past the streaks of pink and lavender which decorated the windowless walls of the short corridor. It led them into the room, as each candle Ze'Mer moved past along the way lit up on its own. She was an enchantress rousing the candles awake in her presence until the room was bathed in a gentle warm glow. Why she had candles at all when Luminous Orbs existed remained a mystery to Hiro. It would've been a fascinating sight had the blooming gloom in Hiro's heart not stilled his tongue from making remarks.
"Feel free to take the couch," Ze'Mer prompted.
She pointed Hiro to the odd chair nestled in the corner beside a shuttered window. He found a cushion melded to its sitting surface, which made him flick an ear in a moment of confusion. The cushion looked even softer than the stools in the verdant cafe.
If only Hiro could stop his heart from crashing against the cage of his chest over and over again. It thumped loud enough to reach his ear and whirr along his feather. The anticipation of his memories returning at last proved downright electrifying.
What could he have been like as a human? Hiro wondered. He imagined himself as a brave adventurer visiting new lands untouched by man, or a singer who went from town to town bringing harmony wherever he went. Or maybe he could've led a simple life as a cattle herder… Hiro's mind made an abrupt turn into a dense fog. What's a cattle herder?
He lifted himself onto the 'couch' and his brows shot up, having not expected himself to sink so much into the foam. He leaned his back against it and drew a long breath as Ze'Mer seated herself across the room. She settled in quietly, as her gaze fell upon him.
"So, Hiro. Why don't you tell me what exactly Atlas sent you to me for?" she asked. "I can help you best if I have a clear picture of what ails you."
Words slipped away from Hiro like sand falling between his claws. Ze'mer was waiting, twirling a lock of hair in her short dainty hand, and Hiro didn't really know what to tell her or where to start. He could almost see the well of patience hiding in those deep black eyes of hers.
"Please, you have no reason to be nervous, Hiro," Ze'Mer said, breaking the silence before it solidified into stone. "Again, I want to help you."
Her words succeeded at thawing Hiro out of his frozen state. He flexed his claws, hardly thinking as he raised paws to massage his face. It helped with the nerves, so he kept at it.
"It's hard to know where to even begin. Fixing peo—" he nearly bit his tongue as he hurriedly corrected himself, "—Pokemon. Fixing Pokemon's memories is what you do, right?"
Ze'Mer's eyes widened by a hair's breadth. Her inquisitive stare made the fur on Hiro's neck bramble up like spikes. When his ear began to fold downwards, Ze'Mer unwound her gaze and cleared her throat.
"That's not quite the focus of my occupation, but it is another area I happen to excel at," she said as she reclined on her couch. The look in her eyes told Hiro that she understood the gist of his circumstances already.
With another deep exhale to reign in his nerves, Hiro spoke up.
"A week ago I woke up alone in a forest…"
Hiro recounted much of his story to Ze'Mer, beginning at Open Pass and his meeting with Atlas all the way to their journey to Lively Town. He left out his identity as a human. Even the dream with the pink creature on the night Mebh 'played' with him he kept close to his chest.
"That's all I remember…" Hiro swallowed back the bile rising up his throat as he lied to Ze'Mer. Only after he'd finished speaking did he realize his ears had pressed themselves flat against his head.
Ze'Mer remained quiet during his recounting. Not once did she interrupt or stop him to ask questions, and there were a great many she could've asked. It should've been reassuring, but the guilt of lying swallowed any gratitude he felt from her consideration to him.
"Can you help me get my memories back?" Hiro forced himself to ask, in an almost eager tone.
A gentle smile pulled Ze'Mer's lips, the warm light of the candle flames making her face glitter.
"You have nothing to worry about, Hiro. I will do everything in my power to help you. It is important to know whose dream you carry on with your name."
Hiro held back a frown. Everyone responded oddly to him having a name. Now it had something to do with carrying someone else's dream? He had his own dream to pursue. Maybe he should hide his name when meeting others in the future. No fondness stirred in his heart at the prospect of dealing with the unwanted attention it brought.
A vague figure caught Hiro's eye. He swerved his face to the right. There, set against the middle of the leftmost wall was a small shrine between two incense cabinets. Atop its platform hovered a bluish bronze idol with cutely round features. It had two long slender tails with red gem encrusted frayed ends extending from its rear, and it also wore a yellow brass headpiece that bore another bright red gem. Hiro's gaze lowered to its hands where a tome lay grasped in one of them.
The idea occurred to Hiro that the idol represented wisdom. More curious still, the idol alone lacked even a semblance of the purple prevailing much of the room. Part of him wondered how deliberate that was. A gesture of respect to the god whose eyes remained ever shut, perhaps.
Ze'Mer stood up and approached the idol. She stood before it, hands held together in prayer. Hiro's feather rose like a flag along with his growing curiosity.
"Knowing others is wisdom; knowing the self is enlightenment," Ze'Mer invocated.
Hiro's feathers twitched in surprise as a yellow wave of light rippled up the idol. It emerged from its feet all the way up its eyes where they lingered, held by unknown gravity. Finally, it leapt out and vanished into Ze'Mer's chest.
A tense moment of confusion followed. Hiro bit his lip and scrambled his mind to make sense of what he'd just witnessed. When Ze'Mer glanced back at him, seemingly unaffected and healthy, he allowed himself to exhale. He didn't even know he'd been holding his breath.
"Uxie has given her blessing, and so we shall begin with your treatment," Ze'Mer had said.
Hiro was sure he'd never heard the name Uxie before, yet oddly enough the name struck him as familiar.
Ice had gathered on Hiro's paws. He idly scraped his claws together as if he didn't know what better to do with them. By the time Ze'Mer returned to her couch he already had a question for her.
"Is Uxie that who you just prayed to?" he couldn't help himself from asking. "What does she do?"
Ze'mer's lip lifted in a faint smile that held a certain kindness to it, which further eased the apprehension Hiro initially had around her.
"She is the God of Wisdom," Ze'Mer answered. "Through her blessing, I am able to make what I do for you possible without causing great risk to you."
Hiro pursed his lips. "Great risk? Like what"
"Without Uxie's blessing, in the best circumstance your mind would greatly resist me and the process would fail. At worst, I could bring you harm unknowingly." She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I would very much like to avoid doing anything of the sort to you. Not only that, we would be here till midnight before I'm done, otherwise. The mind is a delicate thing."
Some of that went right over Hiro's head, but he salvaged useful bits out of it. A small cloud of smoke drifted over his claw. He dispersed it just as Ze'Mer made a remark.
"Part of my pact with Uxie is such that I must begin by disclosing this with you," she twirled her hair in her fingers and continued. "When we begin, your mind will be laid bare to me. I might see some of the deepest secrets you wish to hide—"
Hiro's heart spiked like a furnace, but Ze'Mer hurriedly added, "—Everything shared between us in this room will remain between just you and me. You can rest assured that I will not be disclosing anything without your explicit knowledge and consent. Consider this as part of Uxie's grace."
Hiro's mind spun like a pinwheel at Ze'Mer's words. His heart thumped in his chest like a rattle. If she was going to keep his secret, and would discover it anyhow… shouldn't he tell her the full truth then?
Hiro flicked his eyes up and met her gaze, watching for any hint in her expression that would tell him she knew he had something to hide. Did she leave it up to him to say it outright? Candle flames danced in the periphery of his vision. If only he could be carefree as they were.
"There's something I… need to tell you as well, Ze'Mer," said Hiro, bringing one paw to the other. "... I'm not from this world."
A slight shift occurred in Ze'Mer's expression, betraying her anticipation.
"I am not like you, or Atlas, or anyone else in this world." Hiro dropped the façade, his eyes becoming pools for Ze'Mer to see through. They were clear as crystal.
"What do you… mean?" asked Zemer.
"I'm a human."
The words left Hiro's lips about as smoothly as an iron pole being wrenched free from solid stone. Once he spoke them, however, his chest grew light as a feather in the wind. He averted his gaze to the ground.
"I don't remember what I was like as one or what my world was truly like or where it even is…" Hiro raised his claws, waving them around before they fell back onto his legs. "Maybe it doesn't sound believable to you, but I swear I'm not lying."
Hiro held his breath; the weight of Ze'Mer's gaze pressed on him like an anvil. He dared to chance a glance at her eyes, he saw them dissecting every inch of his face. Ze'Mer's eyes searched for the threads of falsehood in his plea.
There was a stillness, a moment which stretched thin, where Hiro's heart thundered loud enough to betray his anxiety.
Ze'Mer twitched her tentacle, leaving the hand to hover by her right.
"I see. You are well beyond what I expected."
Hiro's tail feathers stiffened like poles.
"You believe me?" There was a pause. Gears turned in his head and just then it occurred to him. "Wait, you know what a human is?"
"You'd scarcely find anymon who doesn't, Hiro…" said Ze'Mer with a twirl of her hand. "Do you know what this means for you? Many legends paint humans as heroes. They are said to come from foreign realms to defeat evils which threaten the world."
Hiro's tail feathers clipped together in apprehension. What she described didn't sound like him at all. Who would ever want to bear such a burden? One that would suffocate a person beneath the weight of a world on one's shoulder? He drew away from it and walked back a few steps in his mind.
"There's… I left some parts out from what I told you before," started Hiro. The lid was already broken free. He might as well spill the rest of the contents.
Hiro finally told Ze'Mer about the dream he had with the pink creature, the cloaked mantis apparition at Draco's Watch and he even told her about the voice he first heard when he woke up, the one which called for him.
Like before, Ze'Mer listened without interrupting. However, her lips drew to a line and her gaze drew to the side. She looked deep in thought, as if something Hiro had said roused something to the edge of her mind which she couldn't quite recall.
Ze'Mer drew a gesture in the air and Hiro caught the glint of a trinket floating his way. In Ze'Mer's eyes was a flash of the same soft purple light enveloping the object.
Hiro snatched the trinket in his paws, instinctively bringing it to his snout to sniff at it. It wasn't a trinket, but another of those orbs he'd seen many times before, and in many kinds even after coming to Lively Town. The one Ze'Mer gave him came with concentric rings visible in its center, like a dart board nailed to tavern wall for travelers to amuse themselves with. What was he to do with it? His feather flicked as Ze'Mer's voice thrummed into it.
"I want you to hold onto that ring target orb for me," Ze'mer remarked, answering Hiro's question before it even left his throat. "Since you're a dark type, you have a natural resistance to psychic influence. The orb will mitigate that."
Hiro recalled that Atlas made mention of his mind being resistant to tampering. How then did those Beheeyem rip his memories from him? Were they even responsible for that at all? His lips curved in a frown and his mind began to drift along with the currents of his thoughts.
A flash of pink stirred him awake from his reverie. All the remaining candles and incenses in the room lit up in unison as if answering the call of a magician. Now that his face could rise above the currents of gloom, he absorbed himself in the moment, his lips parting in wonder.
Ze'Mer's gaze honed, the shimmer on her face like stars under the purple glow of her eyes. "Shall we begin, Hiro?"
"Yes," Hiro answered right away, pooling every drop of bravery he had to the center of his heart.
In a heartbeat, a faint purple sheen wrapped like film over Ze'Mer's body as she closed her eyes. Hiro glanced at his paw and raised his brows, realizing that his body was beginning to glow in much the same way as Ze'Mer's. A psychic presence brushed against the edges of his mind, making its way in like delicate fingers cradling a delicate flower.
Hiro's eyes grew heavy suddenly like he'd stepped into a pool of drowsiness. He tried to keep them open, but doing so grew harder and harder with each passing moment. Ze'Mer said something, though he didn't see her lips move. Her voice spoke directly to his mind.
'~Don't fret. This is all part of the process. This shall let us delve within and see what we may find, Hiro…~'
The slight bob of his head was all he could manage for a nod before slumping backwards on his couch. His heart slowed its rhythm, his breathing softened to a gradual ebb and flow. When he closed his eyes, sleep claimed him.
…..
A cloud of steam wafted towards Roselia's face as he tipped a kettle over a cup. Tea sloshed into the cup in a gentle stream. With the cup filled, Roselia put it on a saucer and handed it to Kirlia.
Roselia knew his tea would dazzle Kirlia—much like it had dazzled so many others before—and he watched him pick up the cup and bring it to his lips. Sure enough, Kirlia brows shot up along his face the moment he took a sip.
"This tastes… incredible," remarked Kirlia. He took another sip, then another, and by the third Roselia was beginning to smile. "The ingredients aren't any different, yet this tea is certainly richer than what I prepare. How did you do it?"
The smile on Roselia's face hid his growing embarrassment. A small—and very loud—part of him almost didn't want to take pride in his work. It would tell him that it was a fluke that everymon enjoyed his tea, every time. That sooner or later someone would expose him for what he was. Often, Roselia listened to that voice, but not this time.
"You just have to be careful with how you set the flame orbs, make sure the leaves are good and…" Roselia prattled on about the process like he wanted to make sure he hadn't suddenly forgotten how it went.
Roselia finished his ramble, though he couldn't tell from Kirlia's eyes if he understood that or not. Did he?
"Ah, I suppose it's only natural that a professional would have more experience than I with the intricacies of making tea."
Guess not.
"I wouldn't really call myself… a professional," Roselia muttered, hiding his face behind his cup. "But thanks."
A few hours went by while Roselia and Kirlia waited in the room. Awkward attempts at small banter broke the many moments of silence, but never for very long. Roselia wished he knew how to talk to other mon better. He glanced at the window filtering in the amber light of an early evening sun and his mind began to wonder…
"What are they really doing in there?" asked Roselia, shifting his weight on his cushion while sighing.
Kirlia set his third emptied cup aside and his brows pinched together. His eyes turned vacant for a brief moment. Telepathy? Before Roselia had the chance to mull over it further, Kirlia's eyes snapped back to attention.
"It's not unheard of for Master to take this long with a patient, but why does her mind feel faint?"
That didn't sound good at all. A response sat at the bed of Roselia's tongue, but he swallowed it back down. He couldn't allow his thoughts to jump to the worst outcome. In his growing unease, his gaze wandered across the room just in time to catch the shadow of somemon approaching the entrance doorway.
Rat-tat-tat. Knocks came from the door. Roselia huddled up on his cushion while Kirlia got up in prim and proper fashion to welcome the new arrival.
"Ah, Atlas. You personally came?" Kirlia said while opening the door.
Time slowed to a crawl for Roselia. He buried his face so deeply in his flowers that anymon looking would think he was devouring them.
"G-gramps?" Roselia uttered as surprise stilled him in place.
He dropped his eyes to the ground the moment Atlas' yellow frame walked into view. Roselia couldn't raise his face; not even as he felt the Ampharos pause, eyes fixed squarely on him.
Memories of that night returned. The same night when he, a much younger budew, cowered and sniffled behind a couch. In the next room he'd heard Ma Zahra's sobs as she grieved to Atlas after… after… The more colorful images from his past began to flash in his eyes. Fire. Fire all around.
Atlas spoke, pulling Roselia out of his spiral. How long had Atlas been standing right in front of him?
"Budew?" Atlas called in a voice gentle enough to soften Roselia's quivering. "It is you, isn't it? Though, I suppose you're Roselia now. You've grown into a fine mon."
Roselia had to lift his gaze to stare at Atlas even after the Ampharos lowered himself to one knee. He almost took a step to back away, but he stopped himself. Words struggled to form in his mind, and his mouth was as dry as a flower left under the sun in the middle of a drought.
"Shy as ever I see." Atlas said, reaching a palm to pat his head. "Still, it truly is good to see you again after all these years."
"W-wait Gramps! Watch the thorns!" Roselia stammered, this time actually stepping back, roses lifted over his round head and all.
A brief moment of panic came over Roselia as he thought Atlas might've been hurt by that. Except, instead of the cry of pain he was expecting, all Atlas did was laugh, leaving bafflement to color Roselia's features.
"Please, don't mind me," he said, smiling. "Have you been adjusting to Lively Town?"
"Hmm?"
"It was Thena who informed me you'd taken root here while I was away. I almost couldn't believe it," Atlas said with a wistful air around him. "I wish Zahra had come alongside you as well, but I'm glad enough just seeing you again."
The way Atlas said that left Roselia wondering if he'd forgotten what transpired all those years ago.
"Oh. I'm fine. Ma Zahra is too," Roselia muttered, then came a realization. Atlas hadn't forgotten the fact. The fact that he was acting this way only meant… he didn't want Roselia to feel uncomfortable.
"… You know you can just call me Atlas, right?"
Roselia's cheeks flushed and he pulled his arms down from over his head. A lemony scent drifted around him and he remembered his still-steaming teacup on the side.
"You're fine with 'Gramps' anyhow," he muttered in response, lifting the cup.
Atlas boomed with laughter at that remark. "You make me sound like an old mon. I like to think I'm still very much in my prime."
The brief banter did wonders in helping Roselia push back his earlier morbid thoughts. He glanced at his cup to find that it was getting cold. Half a minute on the flame orb should warm it right back up. Atlas pulled on his cloak, his gaze on the carnivine sculpture in the room.
"Say, what brought you here?" he pondered.
What brought him there? Roselia straightened his back as he recalled the reason why.
"I met this Sneasel and… He said you sent him here, actually." Roselia gestured to the other door. "He's in there with the Hatterene lady."
"He means Master," Kirlia cut in.
The leaves on Roselia's shoulders rose and fell with the rhythm of his breaths. He glanced at Atlas, whose gaze piqued with curiosity.
"Is that so?" Atlas rose back to his feet and furrowed his brows. "How long have they been inside?"
Roselia glanced at the clock and pressed his lips. "Three hours, I think?"
That much time had passed already? Brewing different tea with Kirlia captivated him so much he lost track of things. A sudden hiss elsewhere in the room made Roselia's heart leap in his chest. He held his cup from spilling and shot a look at the door.
Atlas' ragged companion stood in front of it, her floppy head pulling back and slick black appendages emerging like little ekans beneath her garbs. Roselia's mouth dried up, and he was relieved to see Atlas take notice of the small yellow mon.
"Mebh, is something the matter?" He'd asked.
Even Kirlia frowned, though his eyes were on the door itself and not Mebh. "Master?"
A loud crash shook Roselia and threw him back onto the cushion. He opened his eyes to find his teacup on the ground, its contents spilled.
"Master!" came Kirlia's voice in panic.
Atlas' hand was already on the knob, pulling it open while Kirlia disappeared from sight, presumably teleporting inside.
What was that? Roselia lifted his cup in trembling vines. Everyone else had already gone inside the other room as a commotion started to form. Were Hiro and Ze'Mer injured?
"Roselia!"
Atlas bursting back out from the room made Roselia jump, and he froze still under the ampharos' urgent gaze. He knelt down again to match his height. Roselia could only wonder what he wanted.
"Do you still know how to heal?" Atlas asked, urgency in his voice, too.
"H-heal. Yes… but I—"
The floor distanced itself from Roselia as Atlas hoisted him up into his arms.
"G-gramps??"
"You'll have to forgive me, but they need your help."
…..
Hiro awoke to a world dancing in a blur within his eyes. Pain seized his mind with the intensity of a ravenous flame, so fierce that an agonized hiss wrung its way through his clenched fangs.
He was lucky. A blurry green figure bathed Hiro in light, his mind's turmoil freeing its hold on him like a serpent banished to a dark crevice.
Hiro blinked a few times and the fog shrouding his vision cleared. The green figure, as it turned out, was none other than a flustered Roselia staring up at him. He groaned from the phantom echo of the pain that still lingered in his head, his lips parting to utter a question.
"Roselia? What's… what happened?" asked Hiro. The Roselia in question fidgeted slightly, at a loss for words.
Hiro found his throat as dry as an icy desert, and his limbs had the same lack of strength of a newly born infant's. Then he saw his surroundings.
Every shelf filled with medicine, every cabinet of tools and equipment lay toppled over. Candles littered the ground wherever he looked and their flames looked like they'd been snuffed out long ago.
Hiro glanced at the walls. He saw the cracks that tore through them. They led his eyes to the air vent; bent and twisted like a corkscrew, maddening as it was. The once clean and proper room had become an absolute and utter mess.
Many disconcerted thoughts bubbled up Hiro's mind. He swung his face down at his seat to find deep gashes ripped into the couch, forming a short trail leading right to his claws.
"What… happened?"
Roselia frantically waved flowers at Hiro's face, spreading a vanilla scent that made him flinch.
"Don't move around too much yet. I err…" Roselia said, backing away, his roses concealing half his face. "Are you feeling better?"
Before Hiro could answer, a tendril wrapped around his arm as he hovered it to the armrest. Mebh had climbed beside him. When? Even beneath her garb, the worry in her black eyes could be felt. Was he forgetting someone?
Hiro lurched forward with a gasp. A wave of dizziness sent him slumping back on his seat and whatever words he had lingered at the back of his throat.
The swirl of emotions in his chest drove him forward, allowing him, though hoarsely, to mutter, "Ze'Mer… Is she…?"
Ze'Mer's raised tendril arm drew Hiro's attention to her like a lighthouse in the stormy dark. Just like him, she looked worse for wear with her hair disheveled. Her once painted face had even lost its glitter and shine. Had it not been for Kirlia supporting her weight from the side, she might've not had the strength to sit upright.
A bit formed at the base of Hiro's stomach.
"I caused this, didn't I?" Hiro muttered joylessly, his ear and head feather dropping like wilted flowers. Frost gathered at the edge of his claws. He lacked the mind to scrape it away.
A palm pressed on Hiro's shoulders and made him twitch. Atlas stood by him, leaning down.
"You didn't cause this, lad," Atlas said to him. His gaze glided over towards Ze'Mer. "I'm sure there's an explanation for… all this."
Hiro clenched his freezing claws, but Mebh's tendril tightened around his wrist and a soft consoling hiss reached his ears.
It helped Hiro to remember she was there. Her care for him still bewildered him in many ways, but he could only accept it wholly at that moment else he might freeze himself over.
Ze'Mer spoke at last. "I am sorry, Hiro… Something went awry during the procedure…"
Hiro's blood ran cold, and not because of his affinity to cold. Something… went wrong? How could that be? After all the assurances about Uxie's blessing, something went wrong? He breathed through his nose and swallowed down his frustration.
"What happened?" Hiro asked. No doubt it was the question on the minds of everyone in that room.
Ze'Mer raised her chin and brought her tentacle to rest over her dress. She drew breath and her voice was suddenly in Hiro's mind, "~Don't panic. I'm speaking to you through my telepathy.~"
Hiro just barely managed to keep his eyes from widening like plates. He glanced to his hip and found the ring target still lodged against him. That was all it took for her connection to get through.
"~Why are we…?~"
"~I cannot speak too freely on what I know as part of the pact. It's up to you what I can disclose in their presence.~"
Hiro suddenly understood and gave Atlas a steady look. Atlas responded with a slight smile. It was as if he could just barely hear the secret whisper Ze'Mer projected to him, even if Hiro knew that he probably couldn't actually hear anything.
Mebh's eyes meanwhile didn't tell him if she cared either way. Only Roselia, slightly trembling on his feet, looked both like he wanted to stay and yet wanted to leave and stay ignorant for whatever might come next.
"~Don't tell them I'm a human. I'm not… ready to tell more people about that yet.~"
"~Understood. Though if it's any solace, I think Atlas can be trusted. However, I respect your choice regardless.~"
A misty sigh drifted from Hiro's lips. He swept his gaze over everyone.
"They can stay. Wouldn't have gotten this far without them," Hiro answered at last. Somehow, it didn't surprise Hiro that only Roselia jumped in place at that answer. He took his eyes away from the living flower, gaze locked with Ze'Mer's again.
Ze'Mer asked, "Do you recall encountering a divine being in your past, Hiro?"
Gasps echoed from everyone in the room, even Atlas. Only Hiro himself and Mebh gave no strong reaction. Hiro had learned the Pokemon world had gods, but the most he knew of any divinity in this world were the statues built of them.
Hiro wiped his nose and shot Uxie's altar a glance; it alone remained standing amidst the fallen shelves and cupboards.
"You have not?" Ze'Mer asked after the prolonged silence. Hiro shook his head. That made her frown, then she widened her eyes and massaged her temples. "Right. Why do I ask? You would have forgotten, just as you have forgotten everything else."
Atlas stepped forward, joining the discussion. "How can this be, Ze'Mer? Which God would do such a thing to Hiro?"
Ze'Mer shook her head solemnly.
"I don't know, but I know one thing for certain…" She shot Hiro a look and he squirmed inside with unease.
"Which is…?"
"Your memories are not lost… but they are beyond my reach," Ze'Mer explained. Almost as if she knew what Hiro was about to blurt out, she quickly continued. "It might not make much sense, but a divine being placed a seal of protection upon your mind, Hiro."
Hiro furrowed his brows. A seal of protection? From what? Did he ask for it? When? How? The questions swirled in his mind like a whirlpool, and the only person he could ask them to did not look like she'd have any of the answers.
"Can you… undo it?" he asked, his voice nearly a begging mewl.
Ze'Mer pursed her lips and lowered her gaze.
"I'm sorry, but I cannot," Ze'Mer replied mournfully. Just like that, the corners of his vision narrowed as despair pooled beneath his feet.
"I believe that you might get answers if you can find out the divine being who created the seal," Ze'Mer said to him. "It could very well be that the seal is not permanent and your memories may return to you on their own, though I can't promise that will happen."
Hiro bit his lip and closed his eyes morosely. Could she be lying to give him a thread of hope to hold onto and keep himself going? No, that didn't seem likely. Why would she choose now to lie? He opened his eyes with a faint smile of gratitude.
Suddenly, Mebh hissed irritably beside him, the rest of her tendrils writhing like a swarm of worms beneath her costume. "I will smash seal..."
Ze'Mer smiled uncomfortably at that, though by that point in the conversation she looked more worn out and tired to Hiro if anything.
Atlas clapped his hands and shared glances with everyone in the room, though his eyes lingered on Ze'Mer.
"I'll let Dit know to send someone down here to help with the clean up…" The vent crashed down noisily into the room, leaving a gaping hole in the ceiling that filtered in the evening sunlight. "And also the repairs."
"You… needn't…" Ze'Mer started, but Atlas quickly shook his head.
"It's alright, Ze'Mer," he told her. "Take it as payment for the procedure."
Ze'Mer relented with a sigh, all the while Kirlia's face remained filled with worry.
"Hiro… You and the others should go and rest," Atlas instructed. "We'll sort this out later."
Hiro's eyes fell even lower and he unknowingly pulled Mebh closer to him. "I have no place to go… or to be."
A deafening silence fell into the room once more. Hiro could feel every fiber of his being oozing with gloom. It made him sick to his gut.
The scent of apples reached Hiro as Roselia walked up to him, somehow the one to break the silence. "U-uhm… My house has a spare room that's open. You can stay there for a while… if you want."
Hiro parted his lips to turn down the offer, but one glance at the hopeful look in Roselia's eyes made him reconsider. He drew in a deep breath.
"Okay," Hiro said. "And thank you."
Special thanks to SparklingEspeon and SpitefulMurkrow for beta reading this chapter!
"Your friend's certainly not been exposed to creeping void," Kirlia said.
The mere mention of creeping void nearly sent Roselia into a coughing fit. He forced himself to swallow the tea in his mouth, thankful Kirlia went on without pausing to look his way.
"None of the symptoms of a mon who overstayed his welcome in a dungeon were apparent in him." Kirlia glanced at Roselia and parted his lips like he wanted to say something. Instead he cleared his throat and shook his head. "Ah, excuse me. You're not a delver, are you?"
"You have nothing to worry about, Hiro. I will do everything in my power to help you. It is important to know whose dream you carry on with your name."
"Part of my pact with Uxie is such that I must begin by disclosing this with you," she twirled her hair in her fingers and continued. "When we begin, your mind will be laid bare to me. I might see some of the deepest secrets you wish to hide—"
Hiro's heart spiked like a furnace, but Ze'Mer hurriedly added, "—Everything shared between us in this room will remain between just you and me. You can rest assured that I will not be disclosing anything without your explicit knowledge and consent. Consider this as part of Uxie's grace."
Hiro's mind spun like a pinwheel at Ze'Mer's words. His heart thumped in his chest like a rattle. If she was going to keep his secret, and would discover it anyhow… shouldn't he tell her the full truth then?
In isolation, all your metaphors/similes are great and vivid, but I'm kinda noticing that when there are more than one in quick succession, it's a little distracting. There were a few places where this happened in this chapter. I think it'd be better to keep the allegorical language where it's important and settle for more direct expressions to the other statements in their immediate vicinity.
Hiro snatched the trinket in his paws, instinctively bringing it to his snout to sniff at it. It wasn't a trinket, but another of those orbs he'd seen many times before, and in many kinds even after coming to Lively Town. The one Ze'Mer gave him came with concentric rings visible in its center, like a dart board nailed to tavern wall for travelers to amuse themselves with. What was he to do with it? His feather flicked as Ze'Mer's voice thrummed into it.
"I want you to hold onto that ring target orb for me," Ze'mer remarked, answering Hiro's question before it even left his throat. "Since you're a dark type, you have a natural resistance to psychic influence. The orb will mitigate that."
All the metaphors and similes in this chapter are great, but this one was especially good.
---
It makes sense that Hiro wouldn't get answers to his questions so easily and so soon in the story. It remains to be seen what they're going to try after this.
The scenes between Rosalia and Kirlia were somehow so... charming? Really, all of your character interactions are. I'm not sure what exactly makes it so, but it certainly makes the story a joy to read. Oh, and that art is gorgeous.
I've already made a review on chapters 1-3 so let's start the review on chapters 4-6.
I've already spoken about the prior protagonist trio in my prior review so instead I'll focus on the new characters.
Roselia: I like him. He's shy, nervous, and possibly trans. There's definitely a good deal of intrigue about his past that I am eager to see expanded upon. Also was fun to learn that he calls Atlas 'Gramps', I do wonder if there's any blood relation or if it is just a friendly nickname. I love the use of various scents to express emotions, leans into their plant biology in a unique way. Here's hoping they find their confidence in future chapters.
Ze'Mer: Classic kind old sage. I do like the glimpse into religion that she offers. The concept of pacts with gods having tangible benefits has always been a favorite concept of mine. I'm excited to see if they play a bigger role in the plot or if this will be the most we will see of them.
Kirlia: Not much to say here, didn't leave a big impact but I'm not certain if they needed to. Most likely a minor character but I do like their design. Male Kirlia aren't very common, him and Roselia make for a pretty diverse cast that I'm pleased to see. Would love to see them as a breakout character but I can understand if their role is destined to remain minor.
Plot: Watching Hiro wander lost in Lively Town was actually far more entertaining than I thought it would be. I didn't know how you could stretch such a simple concept out like that and keep it engaging you nailed it. The Lairon giving Hiro directions was quite humorous. I'm eager to find out if that was mostly slang or if those words the Lairon said were the actual names of things. Lively Town has certainly been imbued with a lot of color thanks to the prose utilized, I have a very clear image of it in my head.
The plot regarding Hiro's memories seems to be taking an interesting turn. Divine influence is a fun concept, eager to see which one got to Hiro's brain meat. The small scene with the Scyther was abnormally quick, but I'm fairly certain that was the intention. In and out in a moment, staying only long enough to manifest questions and intrigue. The protections on Hiro's mind are a point of decent intrigue as well, it seems there are also consequences for poking them.
All in all, we've got some pretty decent momentum going here. Also I cannot wait to see what shenanigans an amnesiac, half feral Sneasel and a shy trans Roselia get into while sharing a house. Looking forward to that.
As an aside, there is a noticeable shift in the prose style from chapters 5 to 6, I cannot pinpoint it exactly but it certainly "feels" different. Not a bad thing in any capacity but something I thought I should note.
Hi Adam! I'll be covering chapter 2 in my review today. Let's just jump right in.
Once again, I really love the mixture of animal body language with a little bit of human stuff mixed in on Hiro. I like that he has mental animal desires - like wanting to scratch the wood. To sharpen his claws - but has enough self control over himself to keep out of trouble.
While we mostly see descriptions of his animalistic behaviors since we’re in his head, I’d love to see more from the other characters. We get a little, but I'd love to see even more! (The exception would be if Hiro is intentionally more animalistic because of his nature as a human turned pokemon.)
I love that Atlas has a good reputation, as far as we’ve seen so far. Good enough that Nuzleaf is worried about his involvement. It gives the Expedition Society name a little more acclaim.
Speaking of Nuzleaf, I love this early introduction of his villainy. There's no reason to hide it given the already existing changes to the plot, obviously. But it makes the bad guys and their threat more clear. Poor Xatu.
The inclusion of the villain scene I think also helps keep the plot moving forward and keeps the story from feeling too slow. Yes, Hiro is just getting settled and used to things, but the villains are also already making preparations. It's only a matter of time before things REALLY kick off.
I don't think I have any notable criticisms at this time, so I think I'll wrap up this review here. Hope to read more in the future! Hopefully it won't take me three years to d
o so lmao.
Another transitional chapter, here. I feel like you easily could've gotten more than a couple of scenes out of the dragon village if you had really wanted to. Especially since I'm pretty sure this is a unique thing for the fic. The trek to Lively Town in PSMD is just a dungeon gauntlet that gets you to your new hub town, but here we have this mountain village of dragons. I feel like you'll have Hiro return to it at some point for some reason. Otherwise what's the point lol? And with Lively Town we're clearly establishing Roselia has history with the Expedition Society. I guess his gramps was part of it in some capacity? Given the species choice and this relationship with a famous explorer, I can't help but wonder if soli's had an effect on some of your writing decisions.
The second scene where Hiro and Mebh explore is a bit weird. For some reason, you keep headhopping between the two when thus far (and throughout the rest of the chapter) you're firmly in third-person limited POV. That one probably could've used some changes to stick with Hiro.
Hello, Adam! Been a long while since I last checked into Weaversong (March of last year, if memory serves), but here I am reviewing it for the current V-Wheel up on United. And I figured that since I was only two chapters off catching up with this fic, why not finish it here and now? I've been meaning to catch up, and now there's a prime opportunity to do just that.
So let's dive back in and see what our resident femboy Sneasel has been getting up to...
Chapter 5
Cute to see Mebh indulge her love of fabrics with the financial backing of Atlas. Even disguised eldritch abominations shouldn't have their wants kept from them. The opening scene also depicts Lively Town as befitting to its namesake as a 'lively' town bustling with business.
Speaking of Mebh, a thought came to me: might we see her undisguised form at some point in the future? Maybe in an in extremis situation where she and Hiro have their backs to the wall? That could be interesting to see.
However, he could do little to hide the twitching of his tail feathers or the ice crystals speckling his fur as Atlas and the others dragged him into shop after shop.
Ah, I see you use this instead of 'Anyone'. Perhaps an attempt to make the world feel more Pokémon-like in terms of terminology? I have no particular preference towards whether authors do this or not with using 'anymon' - while it's not a detriment, using 'anyone' doesn't really do any harm.
Might seem like a minor thing to nitpick but I'm not a fan of this line break, if it is a change of scene being implied here. It would've been better to see this centered or have a different form of line break like <><><><><> or the official line breaks provided by the editors of fanfiction websites.
Pokemon crowded the streets everywhere he looked, chattering amongst themselves, loitering about and flocking to spontaneous street ‘jousts’ that always attracted a small crowd of spectators.
Would these jousts be Pokémon battles? In which case, that's a pretty neat way of incorporating the battle-hungry nature of Pokémon into this world. Although that might end poorly for Hiro if he was ever challenged to a duel by some random 'mon in the street.
As a diehard lover of Aggron and its evolutionary line, I salute you for including a Lairon even if it's only as a passerby.
“Hey, you were there at the café when we were having breakfast, weren’t you?”
Roselia leapt on the spot and looked as if she’d shrunk by half her size.
I wonder if the conspicuous nature of Hatter's Focus would draw negative attention to it, and make others speak of it and the owner in worried, hushed whispers.
Instinct whispered in Hiro’s ear like a temptress begging him to run his claws against those smooth walls. How high could he climb? Could he zip across to the coral-like building if he jumped from the tip of the hat?
Firstly, noting the 'somemon', and secondly, I find the description of 'calming a stampede of antelopes' a tad odd. Might just be personal taste, but that is a strange image to imagine in my head to the point that something else might be a more apt description for this, such as 'so gentle it could calm a raging Tauros', or 'raging bull', or something to that effect.
Hiro’s cheeks warmed and his ears drooped, to which Roselia hid his face behind roses and chuckled. Hiro smiled in turn. He supposed there wasn’t much else to say.
Bet you any money you'll be singing a different tune on this before long, Roselia.
I forget if it was mentioned in a prior chapter, but creeping void is certainly an ominous as hell name for overexposure to Dungeons. I quite like that; some more worldbuilding in the mix and an added danger for whenever Hiro and Mebh go into a Mystery Dungeon next.
Interesting that Kirlia isn't offended by Roselia pretty much telling him that his tea is mid. I feel like if I were in Kirlia's shoes here, I'd be a bit miffed at this rando Roselia offering to take over tea duties.
Because mystical atmosphere, my dear Hiro. Now I'm wondering if there's a subset of people in this world who still insisted on candles in spite of Luminous Orbs existing because they think Luminous Orbs are dangerous or bring bad luck or something to that effect.
Ze'Mer at least appears to be reliable? Because I dunno, I reckon there'd be some quack oracles like her that would gladly sell out their clients' info behind their back. That would be interesting to see in a PMD fic, now that I think about it.
The words left Hiro's lips about as smoothly as an iron pole being wrenched free from solid stone. Once he spoke them, however, his chest grew light as a feather in the wind.
This is an instance where I feel sometimes similes attempting to invoke imagery can get a bit overbearing sometimes. I don't feel we need two examples of this in such short succession. One is enough, and then have the other just be the description without any need for a image-evoking simile.
"Do you know what this means for you? Many legends paint humans as heroes. They are said to come from foreign realms to defeat evils which threaten the world."
And now time for Hiro to grapple with the dread of being a human in the Pokémon world and having to keep it a secret from everyone until eventually it's extricated from him.
"I want you to hold onto that ring target orb for me," Ze'mer remarked, answering Hiro's question before it even left his throat. "Since you're a dark type, you have a natural resistance to psychic influence. The orb will mitigate that."
"You just have to be careful with how you set the flame orbs, make sure the leaves are good and…" Roselia prattled on about the process like he wanted to make sure he hadn't suddenly forgotten how it went.
Letting the secret behind your barista skills fly, Roselia? Be careful, because that's the kind of thinking that could lead to theft of your techniques...
Mmm, another instance where personally, all I feel about the image-evoking simile here is only that it draws the line out. If it was something more succinct, like 'dry as a desert', then it would flow better, I think.
Oh boy, this could be an interesting thread to follow. Or it might not be anything like that and it's just his 🌟human exceptionalism~🌟 that allowed Ze'Mer to think this.
Mew, presumably. And now Hiro has his next objective, which is to find Mew and release the seal over his memories.
And nice to see Roselia being kindhearted to Hiro - which will definitely overturn the claim that the two of them aren't friends before long.
Conclusion
And now I'm all caught up.
Pretty good so far! I really like how you've managed to make your own version of Lively Town stick out from the original with a bit more detail added to it. Hiro being a fish out of water shines through here, especially in the hubbub of the town (living up to its namesake), and his budding friendship with Roselia was nice to see. There's also the mystery of Hiro's amnesia weighing over him, and the oddity of the seal over his memories provides a new objective for him in the future. Though if I had to guess, we'll be introduced to the Expedition Society next, and so that part will probably have to wait a bit. There's also great displays of body language, especially with Hiro being quite cat-like as a Sneasel and that really shining through with the described body language in the narration.
But I do, alas, have a few gripes which I've brought up so far. Firstly there's the line breaks of ….. to imply scene changes not being distinctive enough of a divide for my taste. It might sound like a minor nitpick, but when keeping in mind how scene changes are in a story, there are going to be plenty of times in future these line breaks will appear. I would urge either using the horizontal line break provided in the editor, or typing something along the lines of 'XxX' or '<><><>', centred in the text.
Secondly there's a few instances where attempts to invoke imagery through similes or descriptions can sometimes be detrimental to the flow of the text. This kind of thing is normally quite nice to see regarding prose, but as with most things, too much of it can sour it, and seeing descriptions a good few words longer than they should be does dull the impact of the image being evoked. I think it might be a case of showing too much in 'show, don't tell', and sometimes telling it would be better. Take for instance, these two lines in Chapter 6:
I brought up the latter before as an example of 'too much imagery dragging out the text'. But there's also the question of, "Do we need this imagery in the first place?" It's normally a good thing to see in prose, but too much of it can make it feel like purple prose. Sometimes it is perfectly fine to just describe the emotion or feeling as is, or at least describe it in shorter, more succinct description. (e.g "His mouth felt dry," or "His mouth was as dry as a desert.") Just my two cents on the matter.
In spite of those faults, I still enjoyed what I read for this V-Wheel. I'm glad to be reacquainted with this fic, and I look forward to seeing where it goes in future. Good job!
