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Here for Review Blitz! Read Chapter 1, at your recommendation.
Our hero wakes up, in true Pokemon Mystery fashion, with amnesia, in the middle of the woods, and now considerably more Sneasel-y. The amnesia can slowly be poked at it seems - after a bit of noggin grinding our hero Hiro remembers some instructions to find a dude and his name.
He eventually finds a river where he finds some Deerling and diiscovers his own sneasel-y ness. He only really recognises the latter. though. Seems to be because he was a filthy gen two-er in a past life. Disgustig. But then he gets the much smarter decision to follow the river to some kind of civilization. If it exists. But alas his quest to do so is interrupted by every History Channel watcher's worst nightmare:
The Beeheyem don't seem interested in talking. Or can't because Hiro is Dark type. How rude of him. So they resort to voiolence, and this results in the first battle scene of the fic, which is quite fun. Hiro seems done for but then someone or something very dramatic saves him... Right before he falls unconscious. Oof. Quite the cliffhanger you've got there, Hal.
I know you said in your feedback notes you wanted some feedback on your prose specifically and IMO it's quite nice! It's pretty detailed and evocative and I don't see any glaring problems with it. I'm not as good as spotting the spelling and grammar issues you ALSO said to watch out for but I didn't spot anything super egregrious here.
Hello again! This review may be a bit short and tired and rambly, for which I apologize, but I wanted to make sure I got caught up by the end of Blitz! (Let me know if anything at all was unclear, and I'll do my best to circle back once I've shaken the cobwebs out of my head.) I'm definitely enjoying the ride so far.
Another slow, dreamy yet uncomfortable wakeup. Hopefully things get more comfortable for Hiro going forward!
lol the "doll". Love the mimikyu's mannerisms, the way she seems to slide up the bed like a magnet. Nice to have a creepy-cute pokémon whose immediate role in the story is just to look after someone (albeit apparently not as an actual infirmary employee); assuming you can look past/don't notice the spooky ghost under there, Hiro's point about mimikyu looking like a comfort doll is a neat one.
He peeked over his bed and found the ‘still and lifeless’ doll slide out from under the stool and slowly tug towards him.
"slide out" and "slowly tug" don't quite go with "found". Go-to-bed-o'-clock-in-the-morning brain is having trouble articulating why, unfortunately, but I think a quick fix would be to just change "found" to "saw". Alternatively, he "found" the doll "sliding out" and "slowly tugging" towards him.
Hiro's sneasel mannerisms are great: fun instinctive body language not only with funny kitty noises/desire to scratch, but also the little ear-flicks and the claw-sharpening. You do an excellent job adding character and establishing species with these sorts of reflexes and behavioral tics in general; I liked Nuzleaf's nervous leaf-tugging in the ending scene as well, for example.
I admit, Hiro's release from the infirmary feels a bit sudden: the doctor's just like, okay, bandages off, get out of my bed now. And that's it? Some of this is probably just down to pokémon healing factor/the fact that Hiro was found in a dungeon and this Just Happens in places like that, I would guess. Still, a bit curious that Mienshao wouldn't have more questions now that his patient is awake.
It's interesting how Hiro immediately assumes that Atlas has won battles; it's an unusual observation to make. Is a person or pokémon's battle-readiness something he'd be familiar with from back home? (I'm still not sure whether he's from "our" world, where Pokémon is a video game, or from the Pokémon-world-with-trainers.) Or is this more of his occasionally-helpful flashes of memory? It'll be interesting to see what other things he can perceive as he explores more of the world, and what they come to down the line.
So Atlas is actively investigating the beheeyem? Or probably the cases of pokémon being turned to stone, I guess. Don't really remember how soon that element was introduced in the original game... not that that matters here, of course, heh.
It's so strange to see Nuzleaf acting as the villain right out of the gate, haha. Readers familiar with Super will know that he was actually an antagonist all along, but it's quite different to see him playing the role from the outset. What is he really capable of when he's not having to pretend to take care of the protagonist?
Things are starting to pick up now, and already we're seeing the effects of diverging from the original story. Heading straight to Lively Town means that we're veering away from the school arc entirely; I wonder whether we'll meet any of the other characters (besides the partner in some incarnation, eventually) down the line, and what role they'll play, if any? If Hiro's going to meet the Expedition Society off the bat (and without the school lessons to prepare him for what the world is like), how will those introductions and that learning go? And what will not being shackled to playing "concerned caretaker" for Hiro allow Nuzleaf to act on, this much sooner? I'm particularly eager to see how that one will shake things up.
This is a review part of a review game, and honestly the die was well-loaded enough because it was about time I gave public thought to this story.
Caveat emptor: I'm somewhat of a beta reader for this so in a way, many of these comments are more a second take on things that what "reading it fresh" would have been. But yeah I wanted to make them a more open thing.
Les-à-go!
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Adventures in the world of PMD are so fun! You get to be a Pokémon, make friends with everyone, live at a spacious room with a friendie for free, can use awesome powers and you can abuse your previous knowledge of the mechanics of Pokémon to twist the world to your liking.
Oooooor... you just blip into existence as but a shell of your former self , ignorant of most of everything except *maybe* the fundamental such as how to breathe. And *then* plot happens.
Welcome to «Weaversong», a.k.a. a show of how PMD's metaphysical Customs go wrong, right. :P
----
The human snapped his eyes open with a gasp, quickly sitting up only to be struck back down by a splitting headache.
We start the story with the obvious, but at least with some reassurance that in their new form the human still looks like a... well, like a creature. Cryonogal needs not apply. :p
The way the opening paragraphs are articulated, by the way, make the story feel like it really has to sell the transformation as if it was an unique or "brand" experience. It is, in-universe, but for us it's not something any new unless your protag ends up getting isekai'd as something morphologicaly unorthodox, such as a Lunatone.
This is what I mean:
His heart pounded in fear of the beast about to maul him, but there was nothing but trees and sparse shrubs as far as he could see. Had he imagined things?
(I probs mentioned in feedback sections processes that this part kept me wondering at moments that the story's genre could intermix some brief moments of what in visual media I like to call "camera comedy": showing the characters doing something that is expected and normal under the circumstances, but shifting the focus or malleating such that describing the scene reads more banal or hilarious than intended. I know not what the proper term for the narrative device is.)
What happened to him? He tried to think back to the last thing he remembered— and then his train of thought collapsed like a house of cards.
(Surprise re-confirmation of reality, and the first steps to migrate from Stage 1 Denial to Stage 2 Anger, all we need now is a target)
(I *did* definitively mention in partial beta reading that I liked this scene over an alternative that was offered simply because of how the mind crash moment is brought down to the simplicity and terseness of the moment. Sometimes, you open a box and there's just nothing there, and *that*'s the story.)
As one can see, these reactions all internally make sense, but for a PMD fandom veteran this could read, how to call it, "stretched flat". Like, it isn't flat, but we're so used to these Key Isekai Moments that we might overlook those sweet incoming tears without noticing.
Which is why I took care in betareading to highlight that abrupt mind-crash moment.
One thing I noticed across the publication sites is this section:
In the TR release "The human" is italicized, either for emphasis or due to a formatting continuation from the faded memory; in AO3 and FFN however, only "The" is italicized. The resulting difference in vibe is just notorious enough that I had to call it into attention and wonder if it was intentional or not.
Anyway. A well-placed culmination for this section follows when Hiro gets the first glimpse of the real metaphilosophical problems that lie behind the sweet, sweet promise of turning into a furry/scalie/etc.
"Hiro… is that my name?" [...] A part of him somehow knew he should've sounded different. Though like everything else about his real identity, he had no real way of knowing.
Assuming there's other creature-like life around, that's easily solvable. Just go where they go (or just head off to lower and lower ground, as water tends to do). So, let's get going!
It was then that the fan of feathers glued to his rump introduced themselves.
—Oh! The *butt feathers*! In gruop isekai moments, this would be something to never live down. "Fam you have BUTT FEATHERS"!!! :p I did like how it was called to attention that the *butt feathers* arranged themselves in preparation for when he was about to fall on his... well, *butt*.
After a brief experimentation and an also brief smile from Fate, it turns out PMD Customs did not do everything wrong and our MC at least was dropped off somewhere near water. That means a drink and, as I suspected, Hiro's first encounter with the natives (let's hope! nothing says those couldn't have been isekai'd too) which alas is pretty short lived and the Deerling go off before Hiro can even think to blurt out any sort of apology or a call for aid.
I can understand the Deerling tbh. Depending on the kind of world this is, they likely don't want to be someone's breakfast.
To Hiro's benefit, water serves as a mirror, and he takes a good look at himself to eventually discover in the recess of his mind that 1.- he's a Sneasel (yay!) and 2.- Sneasel are Pokémon (3.- Sandshrew live in the desert).
Just in case no one has mentioned it enouh:
GOOD SNEASEL REPRESENTATION!
(As in Good-aligned; Ketu from Fledglings need not apply)
The pink deer from earlier must've been Pokemon too. He didn't know their species however.
In any event the section gives off some interesting vibes for what the trip back home could be.
Apparently Hiro "couldn't have possibly known" Pokémon are a thing, which if true means he comes from the Wrongest Timeline where Nidoran don't exist even fictionally! And even if he could now know about Pokémon, he doesn't seem to know about Gen5 Pokémon such as Deerling. This might end up being important later if he somehow does recognize other (let's say, pre-G4 or even genwunner) species.
But hey at least he's a Sneasel! That's a win in my book because the fandom has been providing pretty good Sneasel representation as I mentioned.
Food would have to wait. A dead leaf snapped off a branch overhead and drifted to the water's surface, waiting for no one as it floated downriver.
Ah yes, the world telling you to get down (well, downstream) to it. The general idea of "follow the water to find civs" is about as good as ever in this world then, let's hope, and that's the next path to follow.
Strangely, this new feline-esque creature did not consider replenishing itself enough to climb a tree and try to scan the surroundings. But I can get that, when I'm hungry and tired I don't like to even take the stais to the second floor at the office.
Sucks that we missed out on some sneasel-y gymnastics tho.
With luck, perhaps he'd stumble upon a village or something.
If he's lucky, Hiro will stumble upon Plot Town right away! Come to think of I can't remember reading any PMD Isekais where the first town found is *not* Plot Town, so let's see what goes around here. it's not exactly a bad trope or anything, actually; it's just largely revealing of if and how the PMD isekai structure inherits from the games' formula. At best, in this particular case, Hiro actually has to *earn* his trip to Plot Town, assuming it's even the one.
Anyway, we get to what might be the first proper encounter with another persomon here:
Intruder: "beep boop beep boop"
Hiro: "Hey! Come in and share the screentime? I'm too nervous to be alone"
Intruder: "beep boop beep boop"
Hiro -sighs: "understandable have a nice day"
So, after an attempt to look Sneasel-y threatening, Hiro sees three literal cone-heads:
And it turns we're in a PMD comedy about aliens and deportation and everything will be FINE! Any violence will be slapstick! And the status quo will reset every chapter.
Or apparently not, because the three Coneheads corner Hiro against the river. it's fun to see in this scene how Hiro has the ample space of the river behind him, but it's described as him being "against a wall". So that's how bumping on an invisible wall that marks the out-of-bounds sections of a videogame feels like! In particular for games where you can explore a map that has water... but you can't swim (I'm looking at you, Assassin's Creed).
Anyway, back to slapstick violence.
A very bad attempt at communication results in Han Shot First (surprisingly good I have to say) and his opening attack causes one of the Coneheads to miss theirs. Hiro being a sneasel-y Sneasel, this is all the advantage he needs to un-corner himself and bolt for the forest, though he does suffer an impact or two while he's at it, and then we get into a forest chase of BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP. With lots of trees breezing past and the
scene that's so well-known from family crime dramas that venture into the rural domain... Using such device in this scenario is overdone in visual media by this point, but in written media and with the added context of how Hiro is a Sneasel who doesn't know how to be Sneasely, we get a bit of a fresh view on it. I liked in particular the mention that he tightened his grip as the steps approached because it's a hidden reminder of his transformation (it makes you question how large or thick is the branch that he can hold it comfortably to that extent) and I would have loved to read more reaction in it since it reminded me of a similar scene in Samurai Jack as well, but it's still good enough.
The brevity made the expectable result of the counter-ambush much more rewarding.
Because of coutse we all know how those counter-ambushes end up!
The branch fell like an anvil but froze in the air inches from the Beheeyem's face.
Good work everyone! Now the BEEPs are free from slapstick violence!
And free to engage on their own. Yay, psychic powers.
This is, honestly, something that Clone Wars (not The Clone Wars, the other Clone Wars) exploited upon abit for the closing Anakin fight of the first arc. When you are fighting someone with psychic or Force-like abilities, the two worst things you can do in order are 1.- brandishing something physical as a weapon (and thus giving them free ammo) and 2.- tussle to retain control of it when it's used as leverage against you.
End result: Hiro is yeeted (yeeted? yote? yotten?) away with his weapon for his troubles aaaand after he hits the ground somewhere he is apparently set to suffer the fate of all those who become terminal projectile velocity, with him retaining just enough consciousness to ponder the orb that is the Bad Ending.
ust like that, he'd woken up in a bizarre world and already he was about to die without so much as being told why
Imagine the gall of whoever pulled Hiro into this! But that's how things are. Hiro had his first fight in the game and lost. Back in the day, that just netted you the standard game over.
Okay everyone! That was it, Hiro is dead again and the story is over. Nice oneshot!
A mysterious figure thunders into the fight in à-la-Thor (I can only presume when fighting these alien Cone-Heads, *this* Thor went for the head), and another figure lies besides Hiro to offer him the cuffs of either death, or plot.
Which one is which? We'll have to see.
And that's it mostly, for the opening episode. Enjoyable, though the pacing during the middle seemed to stretch and compress more than intended. Good to have a Sneasel protag that is *apparently* going to survive the opener.
Howdy Adam, here's my reciprocal review for yours on Delivery Deferred.
This was a nice chapter, and I continue to be pleased with the evident progress you've made in characterisation above all else. What stood out to me about entry was the clarity of each character's identity and mode of speech. That is an important quality that can carry a chapter, and indeed a story, in the right circumstances. I don't have serious criticisms, just a few corrections and a note that Hiro didn't seem to do quite as much decision-making this chapter. It felt a little like a necessary bridge chapter, establishing some things about his present situation without very many events, but fortunately the chapter is carried by how characterful it is. I particularly liked the little sneasel details in Hiro's narration. I'm not sure how much of this is canon and how much is yours, so I can't really say anything about that, save for that the pacing seems about right.
Now for some commentary from my notes~
Will every chapter be a Hiro pun? I kinda like that. Gives it a whimsical, lighthearted sort of vibe.
Hiro knowing what an infirmary smells like is interesting. I guess there are little things he knows from hiis previous life, without being able to recall having ever been in a hospital. Similarly, he knows that Atlas might be a cop, but he can't remember what the institution of policing is, I guess? I'm guessing he's from the mainline world, given his knowledge of pokémon species and types, but it doesn't seem like he finds it weird that pokémon have personhood and the power of speech. It seems like gettiing his memories back is both his own goal and Atlas', so I'm sure these details will matter. I instantly thought of Breaker when the hatterene was mentioned. An AU counterpart, perhaps?~
His 'trunk'? You mean his torso? 'Trunk' is a very odd word for any bodypart besides an elephant's nose.
Deeply amused at Hiro's urge to use furniture as scratching posts. Poor kid is going through species puberty. His body is changing and he's filled with urges.
No surprise that you accidentally called Leg 'Mebh' that one time. She really is kinda just like Leg. I enjoy her dialogue, and I enjoy her odd sense of priority. Interesting that this world operates on species names between strangers, but that Mebh goes straight for given names.
Did Doc Mienshao assume Hiro took the oran because he's a sneasel, and therefore a thief? He assumed Hiro was from up north so he must have native sneasel in mind. I wonder if Hiro will have trouble with this sort of assumption in the future.
The village sounds lovely, but given Atlas mentioned the view, I found myself wondering what lay below the cliffside.
The final scene with Nuzleaf receiving a report from his goons has me wondering about the developing tone of the fic. It's a mix, so far, of quite adorable fantasy and substantial threat. Sortof on the level of something like Avatar or She-Ra. Is that about what you're going for?
A few small corrections:
'rouge red' = just 'rouge' imo, since it's a type of red.
'like rattled scuttle' = missing an 'a'
'A Nuzleaf sat at alone' = 'a Nuzleaf sat alone'
A good read, and I have every confidence that you can carry this fic through. Having an existing structure and plot to adapt should help you persevere, yeah? Good luck!
Apologies for this not being quite, but after trying this on mobile I promptly went gamer rage and hurt my hand trying to hit a table in my dreams.
Also, this is the Final Remix 356/1 year waking night of Delux Expansion in origin limbo review so there'll be an extra bit at the end.
Seems our Hero Hiro has managed to avoid an untimely demise. Shame he couldn’t avoid being creeped out, but eh, Mimikyu's can only do so much.
So yeah, another good chapter that does your detailing and dialogue well. Some things I’ll say though.
[He'd later learn it was called an Oran berry]
This part I wouldn’t keep. It doesn’t just break the immersion of us experiencing with Hiro (which I presume is your aim), but also goes against how you’ve been narrating with the focus on information not related to speech bubbles being in the present.
[A Xatu they'd so kindly encouraged to work with them.]
You seem to have a bad habit with spoiling things a little too early. This fine, we all have such things. I can’t spell “sandwich" right the first time for the life of me. But yeah, would not recommend having this here since it really is too much info that tells rather than let’s us sizzle in the pot of mystery.
Another thing I’ll mention and I’m sure you have a reason, but why do some pokemon go by their species and some not? I’m guessing by Mehb's initial introduction as Mimikyu it’s an Atlas thing so I’ll wait and see. Atlas does seem to be the kind of character to seek some manner of ddistinction.
All in all, looking like Super with some odds and ends different about it. Let’s hope your recruitment system is better though lmao.
Lastly, from the remaster edition, I want to comment specifically on your artwork. Not exactly the art, but more the concept. I really like that you're doing this. It adds identity and helps the reader visualize your story. First though 2 bits of critique.
1: I believe Hiro had some bandages on or at least ones were references on his trunk. Not a buggy, but it's a detail that I think the image missed.
2: I would recommend placing these images at the start of your chapters, right above the title header. It sets up a neat little mystery for the reader. However, you could splice them into the chapter whenever the relevant scene shows itself like novels do. Of course, nothing wrong with the end, but if the image isn't explicitly at the end it could jumble the reader a little bit.
With that said, one recommendation, more in the ongoing practice of this. You'll want to aim for scenes linked directly to the purposes and meta text of the chapter and thus should consider what said chapter is about and what scene encompasses it.
Take for example the one you did for thos one. So much is said here: our protags anxious concern, Mehb' creepy look, an unknown room, it all works very well.
I find scenes like this are truly strong when they depict clincher scenes while not being too complex or chapter explanitory, so I would encourage, should you continue this trend, to find a good bit for the reader to chew on. One that isn't too little, but also not too much information.
Hiro’s mind drifted through a murky cloud. He whimpered from the sparks of pain that dug into his flesh, winced at muddled voices surrounding him in all directions, and felt like a suffocating binding of the tight restraints held him in place. Each transient pause lasted longer than the last before a deep sleep was permitted to him.
A while later, Hiro began to stir, groaning softly as his mind stitched itself back together. He opened his eyes and blinked slowly at the oak wood ceiling above. A trill escaped through the whirring in his throat, followed by a languid yawn and the popping of his claw joints.
Where was he? Hiro sniffed at the air, noticing a faint cocktail of herbs and berries permeating around him. The smell reminded him of an infirmary. He flicked his ears like a tuning rod. The cacophony of the forest floor was gone, replaced by a cozy silence that helped ease his nerves.
This description is very colorful, but I feel like it's a bit too colorful for the very first paragraphs of a chapter? With all these metaphors, it's kind of thick to get through, and I'd rather be eased into the description.
A stool sitting between two medical cabinets caught his gaze. It was wholly unremarkable, aside from the still and lifeless plush doll hiding quietly beneath its shade. He quirked a brow as he studied the doll from a distance; it had a big round head and two hole cutouts on its chest. Maybe it was kept around to comfort younger patients? It could be that a child forgot it there during a previous visit too.
I would have liked a mention of what this was a plush doll of as I didn't immediately understand that the hole cutouts were hinting at it being a Mimikyu. I would also have expected it to come up in general either way, as "plush doll" itself doesn't give a clear image yet, at least not in a Pokemon context.
“For you,” Mebh said, cutting him off with a sphere that felt cold against his chest.
Hiro blinked at her in confusion, and trailed his eyes down to find a fruit of some kind in his claws. Did she want him to eat it? The thought alone caused his stomach to rumble with a growl, and his cheeks flushed in embarrassment. To his relief, Mebh showed no reaction to him. Not that he could tell even if she was smiling smugly under her costume.
I know that the berries just appearing is meant to be strange with how it's presented, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to picture it - do the berries appear while Hiro's attention is elsewhere briefly so that he doesn't know how they're appearing, or are they actually manifesting from thin air in front of his eyes? If the second, is it with some magical effect or simply popping into existence? Or is Hiro just too hungry and/or confused to pay attention to the details right now?
What kind of pen is it? I'm not sure what to assume considering the Mienshao used a quill but the narration doesn't specifically say this is an old-timey pen, which Hiro would probably see it as if it was one.
Atlas propped his back against the wall behind them and frowned slightly. “Besides, a dark type like you should have some resistance to mental tampering of that sort.”
“What could those mon possibly have wanted to do with an empty-handed Sneasel?” Atlas brought a fin to his chin and narrowed his eyes.
The paragraph break makes the second paragraph feel like it's someone else talking at first. Also, while Ampharos' arms are fin-shaped, calling them fins feels odd to me since fins are tied to aquatic animals.
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General Comments
I was gonna mention how this chapter was shorter than the previous, but then I checked the wordcounts to make sure and I was surprised to see this one be longer by a thousand! I guess that's the effect of more dialogue and fewer life threatening situations, makes a chapter feel breezier. Anyway, that's in no way a bad thing - I think pacing wise it's probably smart, even, to give the reader a bit of time to breathe on the fic's timeline.
In this chapter, we see a bit more of what this story's take on the PMD world is like, which I'm liking so far. An old mienshao with long, graying whiskers writing with a quill almost gives it a sort of whimsical, fairytale-esque feel, at least in my eyes. And I'm really liking the characters so far - I don't remember a whole lot from PSMD, but Ampharos being this larger-than-life hero with a cape definitely feels fitting, and it's a joy to read. I also think the name Atlas just fits him really well. I think a lot of what's making me like these characters so much are their voices and their body languages which just give you a lot of characterizing information right off the bat.
Hiro's memory slipping from him while he gets more accustomed to this new body is kind of subtly terrifying. I don't know whether you're going to go further into that or whether you're only going to focus on the stuff happening in this new world yet, but at this point I think it can still comfortably go both ways.
I think that's about all I have to say. Good luck with the third chapter - I'm gonna try to get to it faster when it gets up. See you around!
Heya, dusting this off since I'm finally getting around to writing up that follow-up review for the second chapter, especially since a little bird told me that there will be a third one for me to beta read in relatively short order. Plus getting current was a priority of mine in the ongoing offsite review event. So without further ado, let's get right into things:
Chapter 2
Hiro’s mind drifted through a murky cloud. He whimpered from the sparks of pain that dug into his flesh, winced at muddled voices surrounding him in all directions, and felt like a suffocating binding of the tight restraints held him in place. Each transient pause lasted longer than the last before a deep sleep was permitted tocame over him.
A while later, Hiro began to stir, groaning softly as his mind stitched itself back together. He opened his eyes and blinked slowly at the oak wood ceiling above. A trill escaped through the whirring in his throat, followed by a languid yawn, and the popping of his claw joints.
Where was he? Hiro sniffed at the air, noticing a faint cocktail of herbs and berries permeating around him. The smell reminded him of an infirmary. He flicked his ears like a tuning rod. The cacophony of the forest floor was gone, replaced by a cozy silence that helped ease his nerves.
Getting in some phrasing suggestions in the indicated style above. Though, don't you want to smell an infirmary after waking up from being injured? I could think of some significantly worse things to smell afterwards. :V
He pawed at his stomach and felt a dull pain beneath the bandages wrapped around his trunk. Someone had saved his life, but who? Hiro thought back to his encounter with the Beheeyem, though doing so made his stomach lurch. That unfortunate episode aside, everything else that came after was too foggy for him to make out in detail.
Hiro cast a surveying glance over the dimly lit room. Light trickled in from a small window, kindling a shimmer over the two empty beds next to him, both tucked in flaps of bedsheets around corners. He turned his eyes to the door standing at the far end of the room, then at the other sitting ajar on the left corner. Their rough woody frames would make for perfect scratching pos— Hiro immediately squashed that thought and shook his head. He squeezed his eyes shut to gather his bearings and opened them again at the doors, wondering which would lead him outside.
I see that cat body of Hiro's affecting his thought process already. Though I wonder if we're ever going to actually see him make good on actually using something as a scratching post, since that sounds like a hilarious gag to slip in. o<o
A stool sitting between two medical cabinets caught his gaze. It was wholly unremarkable, aside from the still and lifeless plush doll hiding quietly beneath its shade. He quirked a brow as he studied the doll from a distance; it had a big round head and two hole cutouts on its chest. Maybe it was kept around to comfort younger patients? It could be that a child forgot it there during a previous visit too.
Hiro: "... Considering those holes cut into it, I'm starting to understand why the thing was just ditched here. Something about that thing gives me the creeps." 😰
Hiro’s stomach growled, and he remembered he hadn’t eaten for… He blinked. How long had he been unconscious for exactly?
“Hungry…?” asked a wispy, feminine voice.
The unexpected voice made Hiro jump. He peeked over his bed and found the ‘still and lifeless’ doll slide out from under the stool and slowly tug towards him. The doll’s large head flopped to each side with every motion as if strings guided her body.
She paused in front of his bed when her head drooped forward—long dangly ears draping her face and all—and evoked a faint hiss. The doll threw her large head back, and Hiro could swear something blinked at him through the holes in her chest. Why were her eyes down there? He pinned his ears back and dug his claws bit by bit into the straw mattress, his mind running in circles just from trying to comprehend what he was even looking at. He didn’t even notice the pair of dark velvety tendrils snaking up from below, until they poked his cheek.
Hiro mewled in fright, clasped his paws over his mouth, and quickly crawled back to the other end of his bed. Half his mind rang with alarm bells and the other remained flushed with embarrassment at the sound that just escaped his throat.
So in other words, Hiro let out a scream that would’ve embarrassed a little girl, huh? :V
The tendrils flinched and retracted back down the bed. “Loud…” she said with an irritated hiss.
“U-uh, I’m sorry…” Hiro quickly blurted out. He prodded his claws together as he reluctantly inched back near her on the other bedside. Sure, something about her felt off and creepy, but he hadn’t met anyone else he could communicate with till now. He gulped and asked, “Um. Hey, do you know where we are?”
“In village,” she replied with indifference. Then she nonchalantly crawled up his bed, like a magnet sliding up a wall. Hiro remained seated in place, not daring to check beneath those rags to see if she had legs, or tentacles instead… and who knew how many she’d have?
Considering how that turned out in that one Scraggy short... uh, yeah. Smart cat there. ^^;
Hiro: "I'm sorry, but why are you in a hospital? I thought that hospitals were supposed to design their environments to be soothing for recovering patients!"
Hiro couldn’t help but wonder why she dressed herself up in a mascot costume in the first place, though he figured she had her reasons. Even stranger was that he couldn’t tell what kind of Pokemon she was underneath. Just as he’d figured by the pond, maybe he needed to see a Pokémon’s actual face to know what they were at a glance.
“What are you?” Hiro asked tensely, hoping the question wouldn’t be seen as rude.
“Mimikyu… No. Mebh,” She hissed, tapping her wooden paddle-shaped tail against the bed frame.
Mebh: "I am soothing to recovering patients. That's literally my job." >:|
Hiro: "Could've fooled me there with that whole 'sitting in a corner and pretending to be a doll when you're really not' thing." ._.;
“N-no… I meant… are you a pokemon?”
“I am Mebh.”
“Ummm…” Hiro raised a paw and then lowered it with a sigh. “Never mind.” It didn’t feel like he could get much more than that out of her. “My name’s Hiro.” He rasped his claws together and flicked his ears nervously. “Nice to meet you?”
Hiro: "... I'm going to regret this in about 5 seconds, aren't I?" ^^;
Mebh: "You certainly will with that attitude." >:|
“Hiro…” Mebh hissed faintly as she withdrew her tendril.
And then… she just stared at him quietly without another word. Hiro waited patiently to see if she’d say anything, like asking him how he ended up in the infirmary, where he was from, or even tell him a bit about herself. Instead, she slithered a tendril towards him. Hiro couldn’t help but tense up slightly when she started prodding at his bandages. She seemed oddly curious about the white fabric, appraising it from every angle on his body.
Hiro: "... I'm really not feeling 'soothed' right about now."
Mebh: "Have you considered trying to make smalltalk instead of rudely staring at my body?" >_>;
“Why are you…? Wait a minute.” Hiro suddenly leaned towards her, his forehead gem catching some of the light from the window as he asked, “Are you the one who saved me??”
“No,” Mebh replied, pulling away with a quiet hiss before pushing his face back with the flat side of her tendril. “Atlas did.”
“Who’s—”
“For you,” Mebh said, cutting him off with a sphere that felt cold against his chest.
Hiro: "Wait, aren't you going to answer my question-?" .-.
Mebh:
Hiro: "Look, can you at least tell me what on earth I'm holding right now?"
Hiro blinked at her in confusion, and trailed his eyes down to find a fruit of some kind in his claws. Did she want him to eat it? The thought alone caused his stomach to rumble with a growl, and his cheeks flushed in embarrassment. To his relief, Mebh showed no reaction to him. Not that he could tell even if she was smiling smugly under her costume.
“Thanks,” Hiro whispered in appreciation.
Orange pearls of liquid seeped from the dark-skinned berry as he grazed a claw against it. A hunch told him he’d seen the fruit somewhere before, but he couldn’t remember for sure. It did look harmless enough, so he brought the berry to his mouth and licked the juice off the skin. An explosion of flavor engulfed his taste buds. The overwhelming sweet and sour taste captivated him so much his feather fluttered like a butterfly.
“What in the world is this?!” Hiro gasped as his mouth drooled. “It’s so good!”
Huh. Interesting take on Oran Berries there. I don't think I've seen other authors go with the flesh still looking like an orange even though it's dark blue on the outside. Unless this is a thing that was in the anime that I just totally forgot about.
Mebh: "... Have you seriously never had an Oran Berry before in your life?" 😐
Hiro: "Er... I know this is probably going to sound really weird, but... no?" ^^;
Any table manners he might’ve known went out the window as his fangs tore into the berry, each bite showering his mouth with a punch of warm flavors.
Hiro: "Am I seriously getting called 'strange' by the creepy doll thing that can't speak with proper grammar?" >_>;
Mebh: "Hrmph. Strange and rude."
Mebh’s voice pulled Hiro back to reality, making him pause in the middle of licking berry juices off his claws. He hurriedly wiped his mouth with flushed cheeks. “Sorry about that… Um. Do you… have more?” Hiro asked while fanning his tail feathers up and down.
Mebh answered him with a low hiss and shifted herself to the side. A second berry appeared seemingly out of nowhere, which she promptly handed over to him. Hiro decided not to question what he just saw and quietly gobbled down his berry.
“Atlas. Doctor. Here soon,” Mebh said as she straightened her drooped head.
I'm not sure if the phrasing was deliberately meant to be confusing to Hiro or not, though Mebh's line makes it sound like Atlas is the doctor there. When Atlas is your story's incarnation of Ampharos. Not sure if it needs to change or not, but it is something that I noticed about the dialogue.
That name again. Just as Hiro cocked his head and opened his mouth to ask her who they were, one of the doors sprung open with a loud creak.
Mebh hissed irritably and vaulted off the bed, landing a few feet away on the ground.
“Huh? Where are you—” Before Hiro could finish his sentence, Mebh zipped her tendrils to the open window, flew out, and made herself scarce from the room.
Hiro: "... Wait a minute, I thought that she said she worked here." .-.
Mebh: "These sequences non-canon!"
Hiro stared dumbly at where Mebh had been just a second ago. He turned his face when a small click from across the room made the dull orb hanging down the ceiling spark to life. A gentle blue glow illuminated the infirmary, allowing Hiro to glean a better look at the person that just arrived.
A Pokemon he’d never seen before walked in, pinching his long greying whiskers with a wide yawn. The rattle of a strap of tools jostled back and forth with his long sleeves. The figure looked clearly exhausted, if the dark corners in his eyes were anything for Hiro to go by.
The Pokemon cast a wide glance around the room. His eyes fell on Hiro and he smiled. “Sneasel, thank Lugia you’re finally awake.” He raised a brow at the empty spot beneath the stool holding the bowl-filled tray.
“Oh, the other one left on her own?” He turned to the bed and met Hiro staring back at him like a mute. “Call me Mienshao, I’m the one who fixed you up.”
Huh. I wouldn't have immediately associated a Mienshao with a Lugia as a patron, though I'm guessing that that's more geographically mapped in this setting. Either that or this doc just likes his best birbs.
“Oh.” Hiro nodded and trailed his eyes to his bedsheets, tapping idly at his chest gem.
Mienshao walked to the other side of the room and hung his tool strap on a rack. He rummaged through a nearby cabinet next to a colorful assortment of glass bottles to fetch a pair of familiar looking Oran berries. However, he paused when he approached Hiro with them and noticed the hints of orange and blue coating the Sneasel’s claws. “So, you’ve already helped yourself to some Orans while I was away, have you?”
“Sorry…” Hiro promptly tucked his claws behind his back and made himself look small. “I got them from Mebh.”
Mienshao scratched his chin and nodded slowly like he’d heard a remarkable tale.
Hiro: "She... doesn't actually work here, does she?"
“That… one? How curious. She barely moved an inch since you got here; at this point I thought it was her hibernation at the start of spring. I didn’t think she’d do my job for me while I was away” Mienshao chuckled with a wave of his paw and returned the berries to a nearby tray. “So, how are you feeling right now, Sneasel?”
“I feel-“ Hiro stared down at his body, and for once he noticed how exceptionally normal he was feeling. His lips parted in amazement when he didn’t even feel the slightest ache when he pawed at his bandaged hip. “What was in those berries?”
Oxycontin. Magical healing juice that'll get you going again right in a jiffy. Or at least based off of the depiction here in this story. It feels pretty consistent with what you've said of you wanting to gun for a more lighthearted tone.
“You say that as if you’ve never seen an Oran before in your life. Surely it’s not that rare up north.”
“Huh? Well…” Hiro didn’t have an inkling of an idea where up north even was.
Hiro: "... I feel as if I should ask about this, but I'm kinda a bit too chewed up to really care right now." ^^;
Mienshao: "Actually, I was just about to get to that..."
“Let me help you get those off now…” Mienshao insisted. The Fighting-type approached Hiro and untied the knot holding the bandages together. Hiro sat still as two rolls of fabric unwound around him.
“There we go. Nice and easy,” Mienshao said as he took the lump of fabric and disposed of it in an empty bin.
- Hiro looks down at his pelt where the bandages used to be -
Hiro: "Boy am I glad that those weren't adhesive. Since I can already tell that taking those off would've been agonizing otherwise." 😬
Mienshao: "... Were bandages also rare from the parts up north that you came from? Since I would've thought this would've been more old hat to you."
Hiro brushed his paws against his matted fur and stretched his limbs till they gave a satisfying pop. That felt good. A clap from Mienshao’s paws got his attention. “Alright, that will be all now, Sneasel. You’re free to go,” Mienshao said, returning to a desk where he sat and pulled a quill out of an inkwell.
Not that that doesn't make sense for a bipedal 'mon, but that makes me wonder how quadrupeds and non-bipeds writ large get by with writing in this setting. Or is "dab paw in ink, start sketching" a valid method for writing for some species in this setting?
Hiro slid down the edge of the bed and just looked idly in several random directions. He raised a paw and pressed his ears to his head. “Which way should I go? I don’t know this place… at all.”
Mienshao sighed and half rolled his eyes. “The Pokémon who brought you here is just outside. Ampharos, with a red cape. You can’t possibly miss him.”
Hiro: "... Wait a minute, that's the same 'mon who saved me! So then he's-"
Mienshao: "Atlas, yes. Though are you just going to sit around here, or are you actually going to go and meet him already?"
Hiro nodded and made his way to the sturdy wooden door. Standing face to face with it made it hard to keep his eager and itching claws tucked to his side from raking a door he had no money to pay for.
"Is something wrong, Sneasel?" Mienshao asked from his desk.
Hiro frantically shook his head and slapped his cheeks. "N-no, I'm fine. I was just… leaving."
He squeezed his eyes shut, clenched his paws and pushed his way out without looking back.
Ah yes, the scratching post temptation returns. A little surprised that Hiro didn't try to get in "just oooone little scratch" while Mienshao wasn't looking, but that might've been a bit embarrassing as it stood already.
Hiro shielded his eyes and let them adjust to the warm light washing in from the end of the corridor. He made it out of the infirmary where a gentle cold breeze greeted his face. He couldn’t help but gasp in awe at the sight around him. To anyone else, it would have been little more than a humble small village, but to him it was the most mesmerizing thing he’d ever seen. There were wooden huts and houses carved into the mossy cliffside, cut in half by a waterfall. He’d counted about twelve houses when a ball zipped past ahead to the other side of a bridge, and chasing it were two small pokemon he identified as a Mienfoo and Mudkip.
“Enjoying the view?”
[ ] asked a yellow pokemon on a cedar bench. A rouge cape embroidered with a pair of thunderbolts crossed over one another hung around his back, concealing some of the black bands around his neck. The Ampharos’ deep black eyes burned with the sagely air of one wise with years of experience, and the strength of one who’d fought a great many battles. His presence alone left Hiro awestruck until he noticed Mebh perched next to him. From the way the Mimikyu stared back, she’d probably noticed him first.
Oh, I see you went with that design for Atlas' cape. I mean, I can't say I don't approve of the choice, but I wonder how on earth I didn't notice that detail in the prose back in my original beta reading.
I kinda wish there were more details provided about this town for description, since the place sounds really lovely. But eh, if the plot's not going to linger here, it makes sense to not go too nuts with painting the scenery.
Also, I wonder if it'd have made more sense to split Atlas' dialogue and the following paragraph of description. Basically to have Hiro hear Atlas speak, and then go nuts describing his appearance in a purely descriptive paragraph. Your call as to whether or not you feel it's an improvement, but something about the last paragraph as it stands feels like it's very idea-dense and that it might make sense to hack up in some fashion.
Hiro’s eyes brightened up when he saw her, then he furrowed them and took a moment to think. If she was with the other pokemon, then that probably meant… “Are you Atlas?”
“Yes, indeed! It is none other than I,” Atlas replied, his voice firm and resolute. “You must be Hiro, I assume?”
Hiro: "Wait, how do you know my name when I'm pretty sure that I never told you it?" .-.
Atlas: "I'm pretty sure the implication is that Mebh told me, but guess the text could've been more explicit about that, huh?"
“Uh, yeah,” he answered, straightening his back.
“I’m pleased to see you’re in good health. You’d been left quite the worse for wear by the time we arrived.” Atlas smiled reassuringly. “Fret not, we made sure those hooligans scampered like a rattled scuttle of Wimpod.”
A "scuttle of Wimpod" huh? Is that based off an actual "group of animals" word, or is that something invented for this story? Either way, it feels fun and like it'd be fairly fitting for a Pokémon with a reputation for being weak and cowardly.
“Wimp… what? O-oh, you mean those Beheeyem.” Hiro tensed up as he replayed the encounter in his mind. The empty eyes and loud beeps still made him feel uneasy. “Um, thank you very much for saving me! If you hadn’t showed up when you did…”
“Don’t mention it, lad. It’s only natural to help a mon in need.” Atlas chuckled and leaned his arm over his knee. “Please, have a seat. There are a few things I’d like to ask you.”
He flashed a friendly smile when Hiro hesitated to take the offer.
“Don’t worry, it won’t be an interrogation of any sort,” Atlas insisted. “A few details regarding your attackers will suffice.”
Hiro: "Do I want to know why you apparently have interrogated others in the past before-?" .-.
Mebh: "Hiro. Sit down and answer the questions." >_>;
That seemed fair enough. Hiro approached the two and dug his claws on the edge of the bench to vault himself over, forgetting for a moment how light his new body was. The sudden movement almost toppled him back down as soon as he got onto the bench, but Atlas was quicker to hold him back in place. Hiro muttered a quiet thanks and seated himself properly. Atlas nodded, then flashed a curious glint in his eyes as he dug a notebook and a pen out from under his cape.
“Hey, are you some kind of cop?” Hiro wondered.
Atlas flicked an ear and cast him a confused glance. “A cop?”
Hiro raised his left paw to answer, but the answer to the question danced across the grooves of his brain like an acrobat, elusive and beyond the edge of realization. He lowered his paw slowly, grimacing at the wooden planks below. “Never mind… what were those questions you had again?”
Ah, so that's how you chose to depict the canonical mind wiping from PSMD. For whatever reason "nothing but your name and that you used to be human" isn't really explored properly in a lot of stories, so seeing Hiro reach out reflexively for terms and lingo that he found familiar only to trip up and realize he doesn't remember it is a bit of a fun dynamic.
“Right.” Atlas flipped the notebook open and began his questioning. “To start off, can you tell me why you were being attacked by the Beheeyem?”
Hiro fell into deep thought. The more the memory replayed in his mind, the more things just didn’t add up. It grew obvious that the Beheeyem hadn’t approached him at random; there must have been a motive.
“I don’t really… know.” Hiro shook his head, holding his arm as he lowered his gaze even further, ear flicking every time Atlas’ pen scratched against parchment. “I woke up in the middle of nowhere, walked around for a bit to figure out where I even was, then they showed up out of nowhere trying to kill me.” He twiddled his claws anxiously and glanced at Atlas. “You showed up not soon after, I think.”
Hiro: "... I mean, I don't think I'm that important, just saying."
Atlas: "That's... not something you should just go around assuming. We are in a PMD story, after all." ^^;
“In the middle of nowhere? Open Pass isn’t the middle of nowhere.” Atlas said, his pen pausing mid-scribe.
“Open Pass?” Hiro fanned his tail feathers and quirked a brow.
“The Mystery Dungeon we found you in.” Atlas clarified, earning a slow nod from Hiro. “Open Pass is a famously low risk Passage dungeon. Most mon don't even know how deep its history goes." He grinned, reminiscing from knowledge he'd acquired during his more youthful years. "For the most part you’ll only encounter harmless and docile wildeners roaming its grounds, and there’s very little distortion to worry about as you pass through them, which makes it ideal as a shortcut to Coral Coast.”
"Passage", huh? Though I see that there seems to be a MD classification/ranking system like in Psychic Sheep here as well. Though I see it's exactly what it says on the tin given that it's used as a shortcut.
Atlas flipped a page on his notebook and continued. “Open pass being a low risk dungeon makes it ideal for outlaws to use as a hideout,” he explained. “Though of course, prolonged stays in dungeons isn’t something I’d recommend anyone do.”
... You'd think that risk classifications would also include little details like those. Since I dunno if I'd count "well, the Distortion won't hurt you, but the forty thieves chilling inside will" to be low-risk. Unless high-risk MDs are just death world tier.
“Is that so…” Hiro muttered distantly.
The strange terms mostly flew over his head, much to his annoyance. If only the generosity of the person who flung him to the Pokemon world included giving him all the rudimentary knowledge about the world. Hiro leaned forward, rested his chin on his palm and lightly tapped on his cheek. Not knowing what else to say, he voiced the first question on his mind.
Mebh: "You were screaming bloody murder when we came across you?"
- Beat moment -
Hiro: "Right. I meant aside from that."
“You can thank her for that.” Atlas remarked. He gestured to Mebh with his pen, who had herself occupied watching a flock of starly chirping on a tree up ahead while the Mudkip and Mienfoo from before leapt up and threw pebbles at them from below.
Pretty sure that's bullying there, but meh. They might not have supposed to have been there in the first place.
“We were on our way to Coral Coast when Mebh wandered off on her own and led me to the scene.”
Hiro glanced at Mebh with surprise. Then suspicion gradually caused him to grimace, because he now wondered how Mebh knew to go and find him. Perhaps she heard him screaming, or she had a good sense for danger.
Mebh: "Again, you weren't exactly hard to miss."
Hiro: "I'd ask how much of a racket was I making there, but I'll just take that as 'quite a lot'." ^^;
“Did you leave any belongings in the dungeon?” Atlas asked, tapping the blunt side of the pen on the notebook. “As I mentioned earlier, you were in a bad shape and we had to bring you here quickly. We didn’t have time to search.” Atlas glanced at Hiro top to bottom and hummed. “From the way we found you, one could’ve mistaken you for a wildener. If you had anything on you, we could return there now to search for whatever you dropped. Mind you, we can’t do anything about your food items, but everything else should still be mostly intact somewhere in there.”
Oh, I see we're using PWCH lingo here, though... yeah. This is why being able to telegraph your affiliation in a PMD setting is kinda important when you visually look the same as hostile encounters inna-MD. ^^;
“But I didn’t have anything on me… I…” Hiro clenched his teeth, a sinking feeling rising in his gut. Try as he might, the thick fog in his mind still remained… “I actually don’t remember much of anything from before I woke up.”
Atlas widened his eyes and stopped writing midsentence.
“You have amnesia? Hmmm… I’d cite those Beheeyem as the cause, but memory alteration is a delicate process. Would they have gotten the chance…? No, that’s unlikely.” Atlas propped his back against the wall behind them and frowned slightly. “Besides, a dark type like you should have some resistance to mental tampering of that sort.”
Atlas: "So... you know, it's kinda unlikely they managed that while they were in the middle of trying to kill you. Kinda hard to pull off a delicate process in such circumstances. 😅
Hiro: "Not sure if I should be relieved or worried about what did mind-wipe me in that case." .-.
“What could those mon possibly have wanted to do with an empty-handed Sneasel?” Atlas brought a fin to his chin and narrowed his eyes. Gears turned in his head as he considered possibilities. “What can you remember? Even the smallest of hints could prove vital for our investigation.”
“I…” Hiro pursed his lips. He could spill his secrets to Atlas and tell him all about how he was actually a human from another world. But just as he started thinking that, doubt seeped into Hiro’s mind like an inkblot on a white canvas.
What even was a human in the first place? A vaguely bipedal figure formed in his mind, but that did little to ease his worries. From the little that came to him, it could’ve just been a distorted image of a Sneasel or a different Pokemon. How was he so sure that he hadn’t been a Sneasel all his life and he had just now come down with a case of madness on top of memory loss? His mind was so troubled by the possibility that he didn’t notice the frost gathering on his claw tips till Atlas patted him on the shoulder.
Again, nice interpretation with amnesia there. Since I could easily buy something like this gelling well with the canonical RBDX and Explorers narrative where in spite of being mind-wiped, the protag gradually manages to put bits and pieces of his/her former life together.
“Lad, are you alright?” Atlas asked, his voice soft with concern.
Hiro flinched and quickly scraped the gathering ice on his claws off against the bench. He watched the ice melt gradually, though he didn’t have the mind to marvel at it.
“I’m sorry. I really don’t know…” He said, lowering his gaze again with a deep sigh.
“It’s okay. Anyone in your position would feel disoriented as well.” Atlas patted him again on the back. He slipped his pen and notebook back under his cape before drawing a deep breath. “I have a colleague in Lively Town. She’s a specialist of the mind and may be able to help you restore your lost memories.”
Wonder if that's supposed to be Jirachi there, or if the Exploration Society rolled additional members like it did in Psychic Sheep by virtue of being an AU. Or if that's someone completely different in Lively Town. Guess we'll find out soon enough, though. Since Lively Town isn't that far along into most Super and Super-inspired plots.
Hiro’s ears propped up in surprise. “There are people here who can do that?”
“People?” Atlas muttered to himself, finding the word strange and unfamiliar. “Yes… she’s a Hatterene.” He paused to gauge Hiro’s reaction. The fact that he got none piqued his interest, but he continued. “You needn’t worry, though. I assure you, she’s a very friendly mon for her kind. If you come with us, I can get you an appointment with her.”
Ah, right. That's what happens when you go back to read this after a few months of time. Though it's not a bad choice. Since if you're going to do an AU retelling of a canon-inspired plot, you might as well yeet in some newer content along for the ride.
Hiro’s eyes brightened up, but then he shrank back and looked away. “Why are you helping me? I’m just a stranger you happened to save…” Hiro asked. What even was in it for Atlas? He wondered this while scratching at his arm with cold trembling claws.
“Call it a whim if you’d like.” Atlas beamed a reassuring smile. “Like I said before, it’s only natural to help a mon in need,” Atlas said, then slid off the bench. “Besides, your memories might tell us more about those Beheeyem.”
Hiro flashed a faint smile back at Atlas. “If I remember anything, you’ll be the first to hear it.”
Why do I get the feeling that we're going to be revisiting that phrase / premise a decent number of times in this story? Though I wouldn't find it exactly unfitting, since Ampharos stopping to help other because he could feels remarkably consistent with what I remember of his character, even if Atlas is definitely more grounded than how I remembered Official!Ampharos.
[ ]
"Here, wear this for now until we find something better for you later." Atlas lent him a piece of clothing that looked like it had seen a lot of use. It didn't seem to smell bad when Hiro sniffed it, so he wore it around his neck like a scarf.
"Thanks," Hiro said, adjusting the scarf till it nestled comfortably.
Kinda wonder if you ought to have dropped in a descriptive paragraph showing Atlas fishing around for that scarf or something, since something about this turn in the conversation feels like it'd have been better served with more of a transition.
“Let’s go…” Mebh hissed, already on the path up ahead. She stared upwards after the clouds cleared, affixed by the velvety blue sky.
Hiro walked up beside her, his lips curling in a narrow smile. His mind's worries were surely still there, but the new company he’d made helped ease him through them. He recalled the voice he’d heard before.
'You must find me'
He tugged at his scarf and grimaced. As soon as he got his memories sorted out and found a place to settle, he'd seek that person out. Who else would give him all the answers his heart sought?
I mean, I'm pretty the villains might be able to as well, but that would probably be the last thing you ever did, so let's not dwell on that possibility too seriously. o<o
Three somber figures climbed up a rocky hill at the edge of the forest, their footsteps leaving no sound–for rather than walking, they hovered. The middle Beheeyem lagged a few steps behind the others, and they often had to wait for them to catch up. A still healing burn scar marked the edge of their shoulder. Soon, they arrived at the mouth of a secluded cave where a dark tunnel welcomed them within.
Not far inside, a Nuzleaf sat at alone with a sleeping guest in the dark cave. He tugged at the leaf growing from his head till it nearly snapped, then he’d release it, and repeat the process. The sting from it helped him stay calm. All the while, he kept glancing at the entrance as he tapped his foot with a scowl. At last the Beheeyem hovered into view, and the sight of them made him slam a fist against the rock he was sitting on.
“What is the meaning of this?! All you had to do was stick to our plan, yet you left me standing out there all evening.” Nuzleaf stomped towards them. The Grass-type paused briefly, his eye twitching when he noticed they were missing somemon. The Beheeyem flinched from his gaze, and quickly spoke.
Ah yes, right to the character reveal for Nuzleaf. Though it makes sense since as an openly acknowledged Super AU, it kinda assumes that the readers will have some familiarity with the base plot since... yeah, kinda would get old to retread the exact same beats as the original game unless if you're doing a straight novelization.
“We failed to procure the human,” the leftward Beheeyem said, coming forward.
“An interloper got in the way,” the middle one added, reaching for its wound.
“It is not for any incompetence on our part,” the rightward one finished, hovering down slightly with a whirr. All three spoke in the same tone of voice down to the pitch.
Pretty sure that "yeah, we failed our mission, but it's not our fault" isn't the sort of impression you want to make in front of your boss even if he weren't villainous, just saying. :V
Nuzleaf furrowed his brows, dark purplish wisps drifting from his fist. His glare made them fear he’d maul them any second. “Tell me everything that happened, and then maybeI can decide if you three are good for anything or not.”
The Beheeyem nodded their heads in unison. They told Nuzleaf how they’d watched a Sneasel pop into existence through a storm of light before their very eyes, and how they’d stalked him until they were sure it was the human they’d been tasked to find. Nuzleaf placed his hand on his hip, his face stuck in a scowl while he listened up until they reached the part about why they really failed.
His face blanched when Atlas’ name was dropped, biting hard on his lip till it bled. This was bad. He’d hoped to keep his mission under The Expedition Society’s radar.
Would recommend deitalicizing Nuzleaf's 'I' there. Though it's a bit of a trip reading of the Exploration Society being spoken of in these terms, since I distinctly remember them feeling a lot more "five guys in their mom's basement" in the original game. Not a bad change, though, since it helps keep things fresh as an experience.
“We only escaped because the Ampharos was too busy tending to the injured human to chase us after our teleport,” The Beheeyem said, finishing their tale.
“How could you three-“ he waved his hand and grumbled under his breath, “-of all Pokemon on this planet to be involved, it had to be him?!” Nuzleaf raised a hand to the leaf on his head, but stopped short of it. He’d surely snap the already abused stalk, and it’d take days for the leaf to regrow. So, he chose to mutter profanities under his breath instead.
Huh. Neat bit of headcanon. It feels fairly sensible for Grass-types too, even if it must be embarrassing in the interim to wait on those leaves to come back.
Though now that makes me wonder if Nuzleaf loses that leaf in the fall with the onset of winter.
“Should we continue pursuing the human?” middle Beheeyem asked, eyes glowing dimly. “Ampharos is likely to take the human back to Lively Town. If we intercept them on the way—”
“Absolutely not,” Nuzleaf said, immediately snuffing the Beheeyem’s plan out. “Your faces have already been seen by the head of The Expedition Society himself. Just get any ideas to deceive him out of your minds. You’ll be fried to ashes if he so much as catches a glimpse of you again.” Nuzleaf bit his thumb in frustration. “If we’re lucky, there won’t be wanted posters of your faces across half the continent by the weekend.”
Sure pays off to have friends in high places, huh? Though I get the feeling that the canon PSMD narrative would've been resolved a lot faster had Ampharos been able to do stuff like that in the proper game.
“Then, we should leave the human be?” The rightward beheeyem asked, hovering back up.
“Is that wise?” the one on the left asked.
Nuzleaf opened his mouth to speak, but clenched his fist and brushed his other hand over his face.
“This will be tough, but…” Nuzleaf looked over his shoulder at the only other mon in the group asleep: A Xatu. He muttered what sounded like gibberish to himself, then a smirk crept to his lips as small bits of a plan began to take shape in his head. “Here’s what you three should do…”
I actually forget if that Xatu is supposed to be the same one from RBDX, but that's a decently ominous outro. It's got me looking forward to what you're going to be throwing into my lap to gawk at soon, since I'm looking forward to seeing how you're going to follow up on that. ^^
Alright, time for impressions:
I thought that the chapter overall was pretty solid. Transitionary, but solid. It comes down from that cliffhanger in the first chapter, and does a decent job at giving the audience its first look at the cast outside of Hiro, as well as the points of divergence between this plot and canon PSMD. I kinda wish there was more worldbuilding shown off, since what was there was fairly solid and imaginative, though you have said that brevity was a priority for your writing, so I won't begrudge you too much.
For things I was less hot on, it's mostly just the mechanical things I already noted here and there throughout the writeup. Some bits where I thought more description was needed or didn't agree with the phrasing. The one thing that I feel is a bit more structural, but shouldn't be too hard to get around is that you probably want to hint a bit more strongly at how Atlas found Hiro's name out. Since... if that was brought up, I honestly missed it. Which is probably a sign that it's best to beat it over the heads of the readers a bit harder.
But altogether, I had a lot of fun giving this chapter a second look @Adamhuarts . And in light of the saga that I heard developing Chapter 3 turned out to be, I'm glad to hear that you're still hard at work on this story, and am eagerly looking forward to getting back to work looking over Hiro's tale in the near future. ^^
As a fan of Super Mystery Dungeon I like the complete role reversal that Nuzleaf and the Beheeyem are showing despite how early on in the narrative it is, Nuzleaf was and still is my favorite character in the game and I felt so bad for him when I found out that he was a just a pawn in a bigger and more sinister game of chess, I am very excited to see where this story goes next!
ATTENTION NETIZEN
YOU HAVE BEEN RANDOMLY SELECTED FOR A CUSTOMS REVIEW
Continuing from the review of last time, because sure there's more to say about it! Boy don't we love to talk about it when the cosmic powers get it RRRRRRRONG. And as a result our hiro has to spend the first few scenes in medical care.
I don't think I ever mentioned this in beta, but having the scene start with Hiro Alone (well, not exactly because of Mebh but... eh) was a very smart choice for setting up the mood of the chapter. Right now and for some time ahead, he's in front of a world he doesn't know, so if he wants to figure out more things he's the one who's got to hold his hands/claws out.
Where was he? Hiro sniffed at the air, noticing a faint cocktail of herbs and berries permeating around him
Swap "herbs" for "weeds" and you have PMD!San Francisco!
Hiro recalls his encounter with the coneheads and the other, non-Hiro hiro that comes to save him... whom he has yet to identify. At least the part of his memory that does short-term recollection still works well enough despite the Human-to-Sneasely interface exchange. In the meantime, the question of where he is is answered with more or less the obvious: "You wake up in a room. There is a door."
He turned his eyes to the door standing at the far end of the room, then at the other sitting ajar on the left corner. Their rough woody frames would make for perfect scratching pos— Hiro immediately squashed that thought and shook his head.
WHAT WILL YOU DO?
NAP | CALL OUT
SOLVE PLOT | »SCRATCH POST«
Very Sneaseluwu moment right there.
At least someone left our hiro some company in the form of a plushie. Probably a gift from the other hiro (yes I'm going to do this hiro thing a lot). It admittedly beats being left flowers as a gift because you know where else do flowers also go? On tombstones.
Furtner non-examination however leads to a surprise.
No, it's not the ISO Standard Skyrim "you're finally awake", no, but it's close: the little plushie speaks, and this way of her revealing herself is how we're introduced to the first non-hiro character of the story: Mebh the Eldritch Abomination Mimikyu. And she makes a good work of freaking our hiro out a bit at first, what with the impression I got that when she was prodding him about on his bandages, she was looking to uncover whatever lied under his "plushie fur" (or feathers), really.
She also looks like she'll be a good enough of a bad influence, smuggling him some food into his hospital room already! And it's very good food.
An explosion of flavor engulfed his taste buds. The overwhelming sweet and sour taste captivated him so much his feather fluttered like a butterfly.
“What in the world is this?!” Hiro gasped as his mouth drooled. “It’s so good!”
So, it turns out our hiro wakes up in a hospital, to be tended by a Mienshao doctor and the resident Eldritch Abomination. I found it pretty fun what seemed to be Mebh's reaction to having to share screentime with more people:
Mebh hissed irritably and vaulted off the bed, landing a few feet away on the ground.
[...], Mebh zipped her tendrils to the open window, flew out, and made herself scarce from the room.
That gave me lots of combined vibes. Like, something in between a cat and a bird, with some hints of vampire, octopus, Spider Symbiote and Alan Wake ghost. If it turns out she's allergic to screentime, it'll be a day!
Actually, it reminds me of Mario's reaction in this TerminalMontage vid at about 4:08
(warning: loud noises and Eldritch Mario)
Anyway. Medical treatment and diagnosis? Good! No mention of a hospital bill so far, either? Also good! And he also recognizes a Generation V Pokémon? Good and gooder! Some of my fears are palliated. Now all that remains so we can start painting the picture of plot, it seems, is to meet up with the other hiro, Ampharos-with-a-cape-san. But before...
Hiro nodded and made his way to the sturdy wooden door. Standing face to face with it made it hard to keep his eager and itching claws tucked to his side from raking a door he had no money to pay for.
We switch scene to a Fortree-style PMD town with a waterfall and after the brief observation, we finally meet hiro number 2. After all I've been toying around with the hiro thing (it's not my fault, you started it!) I'm not that surprised it did *not* go like this:
Hiro: "Aye you Atlas?"
Atlas: "It's a me, hiro!"
Hiro: "...No, I'm Hiro."
Atlas: "You're a hiro, yes."
Hiro: "Hiro. Not a hiro, Hiro."
Atlas: "...I guess? Who am I to judge."
Hiro: "Atlas?"
Atlas: "No, a hiro!"
Hiro: "..."
So from what we get here, Atlas got lucky to happen to be around where Hiro spawned in this world. Part of pinpointing what was going on was Mebh's intervention. As for the Ampharos, he seems to take scaring off hooligans as part of his day task, or his more overall job considering he wants to continue the case with an interrogation, so now we have an idea that there's some sort of law enforcement around.
Atlas: "...What is a cop?"
Narrator: "You see, it's a person granted power and the position to maintain public order and stuff."
Atlas: "Oh, so a hiro!"
Narrator: "..."
Interesting to see that the word for the concept does emerge in Hiro's mind, but further formulating the concept seems to be next to impossible. It makes sense because for it to work he has to make emerge in his mind a number of other nouns, for which he has no conceptual anchor he can understand right now. But I presume once we get to see *some* sort of organized law enforcement around the town, he'll have a much easier time trying to explain of some concepts that exist back home.
And with it, who knows, even being able to once again explain to himself "back home". He's gonna need it.
Right away we get some extra traces of worldbuilding. We know there are Normal Mystery Dungeons and Passage Mystery Dungeons, which presumably act as passages from a location to another one. So it's basically like taking a Uber but with extra steps and just about as dangerous. We hear that apparently the dungeon warping is not much of an issue in Passage MDs. But still:
Atlas Hiro Number Two: "Though of course, prolonged stays in dungeons isn’t something I’d recommend anyone do.”
At least Hiro Number One was spared one such stays.
Now, the interview seems to be geared towards getting a general idea of who Hiro is and what was he doing around there, now the more considering it's a MD and all. I really like how the pacing and general flow of this scene is more stable than what we had in Ch.1 and in the initial part of this Chapter. It puts well the mood that an interview is, basically, a ping-pong of conversation.
If only the generosity of the person who flung him to the Pokemon world included giving him all the rudimentary knowledge about the world.
But no, really, one of the things I like about the story is that it is patent about that particular lacking element and tacks on some extra amnesia levels on top just because (or as much as I can say, this is only Ch.2.).
> a flock of starly chirping on a tree up ahead while the Mudkip and Mienfoo from before leapt up and threw pebbles at them from below
“You have amnesia? Hmmm… I’d cite those Beheeyem as the cause, but memory alteration is a delicate process. Would they have gotten the chance…? No, that’s unlikely.”
An acknowledgement that just because you are of a species that has psychic powers, that doesn't mean you automagically can go warping around minds nilly-willy. Let alone that minds are actually remotely writeable (and not only because of the mention of Hiro being part Dark-type). Something that I've seen several authors (PMD or otherwise) fail to bring into consideration in their worldbuilding; perhaps the old genwunner-era trope of Psychic OP may be at fault.
In any event, though, the interests of Atlas seem to take a detour towards helping recover those missing memories from Hiro, which makes sense since that would allow him to get the information he needs from the interview if it was that important — and even if not, as he himself says, no reason not to help a 'mon in need. Very Zidane of his part there!
Cursory entertainment at the fact that something like Hatteren exists doesn't tell Hiro anything about anything as of yet:
Non-Hiro hiro: "We have some people who can jog scrambled memories."
Hiro hiro: “There are people here who can do that?”
Non-Hiro hiro: “Yes."
Hiro hiro: "I have amnesia."
Non-Hiro hiro: "We have a Hatterene.”
Hiro hiro: "Aaaaaaha. Sure. Totally."
- fiddles with own mind for 30 seconds trying to figure out what even a Hatterene is -
Non-Hiro hiro: "...You don't know what a Hatterene is?"
Hiro hiro: "D-depends. What generation is it from?"
Non-Hiro hiro: "...Generation?"
All in all, both parties get something good out of this. We get a more immediate path of something the main characters can have agency of towards restoring Hiro's memories, plus an indication for what directions the plot will take. Also: For his third acquisition in thid adventure (the 1st being being a Sneasel, the 2nd being a lease on life), Hiro gets...
...a scarf! (Second-hand) (that also smells)
Hey, you gotta start somewhere. Maybe he can sell it for $2.50 and get uuuuuuuh food in exchange?
And that ends the adventure today for our hiros, technically. As for the so-far villains, we get a glimpse of Nuzleaf who is driving the Beheeyem team hopefully not in Nuzlocke mode, because he doesn't seem to be a very good boss. We'll have to see what further use for them has he planned.
Weaversong v1.00.32.4-a
* Protagonist now lives.
* The starly flock now remains non-aggro.
* More Sneasel-y instincts to improve the user experience.
* Mebh screentime no longer crashes the site.
Yup! That's how story development goes. I'm tempted to steal patchnotes idea for whenever I write a longfic again.
How many Pikachus do I have to sacrifice and to what deity to get artwork???!?!?!?!?!
Aaaaand that's about it. This is an episode where nothing much needed to happen, but the two most important things (1.- basic worldbuilding introduction and a.- getting Hiro out of medical) were easily slipped in across the plot without having to effect the flow of the chapter or the mood of the scenes in any negative way, so that's good. May Mebh have mercy on our souls that the adventure can continue further.[/img]
Hi Adam, I’ve been meaning to check out this new story of yours since I liked what I read of Kuki’s Tale. I was especially curious to see your take on a PMD story. And although Weaversong seems to be in its early stages without too much plot progression so far, I’m excited to see what’s in store next.
There’s something that just works about Hiro’s perspective that I can’t quite put my finger on. Since he has amnesia, he is a bit of a blank slate, but that doesn’t bother me since the natural flow of the prose carries a lot of it. The descriptions of nature, particularly the clouds, were nice, and I like how the story devoted some time to let Hiro get to grips with his new body. I love the aside in chapter 2 where he thought the door frames would make for a good scratching post. It makes him feel more like someone struggling to maintain their humanity rather than merely making him a human in a Pokemon’s skin.
Chapter 2 was my favourite because we got to see more of the world and the characters that inhabit it. Mebh was a joy to read about since her interactions with Hiro were golden. She has that great mix of feeling alien and somewhat of an oddball compared to Hiro’s everyman persona while still coming across as good-intentioned. I’m also hyped to read more about Atlas since he comes across as quite boisterous and larger than life.
I’m also intrigued from what little I’ve seen of the antagonists. You know what, it’s bizarre, I hadn’t heard of Beheeyem until I stumbled across this fic. Anyway, their scene at the end of chapter 1 was really tense, and at first, like Atlas, I thought they were responsible for wiping Hiro’s memories, but after reading chapter 2, it was interesting to find out they weren’t behind it and were chasing Hiro because they knew he was human. The Nuzleaf seems to be the main antagonist, but I’m also not sure if he’s really villainous yet. On a side note, I loved the tic of fiddling with his leaf, that added a lot of character to him in such a short scene.
My only criticism at the moment (which might not be huge since it might be expected from the PMD fic genre) is that the opening takes its time to get interesting and that half of the first chapter lingers on a bit too long on Hiro wandering through the woods. There’s nothing wrong with it, per se, and it is well written in how it captures Hiro’s confusion and anguish, but as an opening to a PMD story, it feels like nothing I haven’t seen before. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten used to PMD’s isekai format and know the drill at this point, with someone waking up as a human/having amnesia and being lost for a while until a Pokemon from their soon-to-be team finds them.
In any case, that’s not a huge detractor for me, it just meant that it took a bit more time to warm up to it. I shall be patiently waiting for chapter 3 to come out.
With the synopsis that was given, I was expecting a standard retelling of Super Mystery Dungeon with some predictable edits. Instead, I got a fair adaptation that plays out differently enough to keep my attention throughout the two parts currently here. There’s going to be a bit of bias because I’m not too fond of retellings, but I hope my words can still help out somewhere!
Generally speaking, I didn’t notice anything outright in terms of spelling or grammar, which is exactly where you want to be. Word usage is varied enough but not distractingly wild, sentences don’t run on, and there’s a few themed paragraphs that I liked and will definitely try not to steal! I especially liked the descriptions of Mebh, which I feel really gave off the curious and mysterious appeal of Mimikyu.
Despite my feelings that I like where this story looks to go, I almost feel like these two parts could be combined or at the very least, have certain parts cut down a bit. This is where my bias fits in – as the basis of the story is of a game the assumed majority of readers have already played, the bits that stick close to that game’s narrative feel excessive to focus on.
My main issue here is in the first chapter, where Hiro wakes up and is chased by the Beheeyem. The general pacing of this chapter would be fine if it wasn’t an introduction we already know. I’m not saying to skip out on things, less so, but to focus on getting through the necessary tropes so that the focus can be put on the new. This is even more important in a Pokémon Mystery Dungeon story in my opinion, as they’re so heavily built off isekai tropes. Human wakes up as a Pokémon, has memory loss, is surprised that they’re a Pokémon, etc. – it’s all stuff we’ve seen and read before, you know?
Weaversong’s strongest points so far are what new things it brings to the story. Our main character being a Sneasel, the Beheeyem failing to defeat him, Mebh and everything about her character, and so on. The escape sequence in chapter 1 is where things were at their strongest, followed by the intrigue in the first half of chapter 2. Shortening the rest to get through to these would go a long way, I think. Or maybe I’m completely wrong, and things are exactly as you want the story to be.
The second half of chapter 2 does slow down a bit when Hiro is speaking to Atlas. It brings up the amnesia the reader already knows and dwells on it a bit, which may be unavoidable for story reasons, but I still feel could be done with quicker. It wouldn’t be an issue if it at least brought up a new conflict that led us into the next chapter.
For example, this is usually the time where the human is roped into forming a team with the partner. This doesn’t exactly happen; Atlas simply decides to help on a whim. There’s no motive to keep it going, or much of a hint of one, either. Perhaps Atlas notices something peculiar that makes him interested in Hiro? Or Hiro performs a heroic act that gives Atlas incentive to take care of him. Maybe something Atlas says makes Hiro determined to ask for his help and go on their journey. Things like that to keep the pace, you know?
These things aren’t massive, more like nitpicks that I notice when looking at it this way. Despite them, this is a story I’m happy to follow as long as it doesn’t stick too close to SMD’s story. Other things to note are that I read the story on A03, where scene breaks showed up as “[HR ][ /HR]” which show on other sites. I was also a little confused on why some characters are named, like Atlas and Mebh, while others aren’t, like Nuzleaf and Mienshao. It would be consistent if it was only the unimportant characters not getting named, but Nuzleaf is a pretty important character. Again, not game breaking, but a noticeable nitpick.
I think you’re in a very fine position with this work. The story knows what it is and doesn’t have any glaring sins or flaws that could drive away anyone interested enough to click on it. Slight pace changing and confidence in the original parts of this adaptation would run for miles, I think.
The Village Pokémon had been kind enough to offer Atlas and the others a few pounds of dried meat, some fruits, and refills of their water canteens. Restocked with enough supplies to last them a few days, they bade the small hamlet farewell and began their journey into the pine forest. During their trek, Hiro kept his idle mind busy by counting pinecones on the treetops, each one looked at least three times the size of his head. Compared to the trees they grew from, they looked like boulders growing on shrubs.
Atlas leaned over to match Hiro's height and made a broad gesture at the trees. "I know what you're worried about, but those aren't Pineco." He singled out a pinecone dangling off a scrawny branch. "Pineco have a darker blue-green shade that's hard to miss, and they only hang by midsection branches."
Hiro nodded along to the Ampharos' explanation, though a grimace remained etched on his face. "I don't get why the pinecones are so huge though."
Atlas grinned and cast Mebh a look, who was perched on his shoulder with her paddle-tail bobbing up and down with every step he took. "It's called mimicry. A hungry Skwovet will think twice before munching on a pinecone that resembles a pineco." Atlas broke into laughter at his own joke.
Hiro smiled awkwardly in response. He clasped his claws tighter around the strap of their traveling bag—even Atlas couldn't decline Hiro's zealous offers to carry some of the load for the duration of their trip—and turned his face towards the trees ahead.
The three exchanged no more than a few words between themselves for the next few minutes. One moment Hiro was watching the pine trees, and the next time he blinked, the scenery had shifted to the familiar evergreen glade of Open Pass. Atlas had mentioned something before they left the hamlet about the lowest distortion dungeons lacking defined gateways. Only now did Hiro understand what that truly meant.
They journeyed on for some time through the forest, passing by trees strangling mossy boulders in their rooted grasps, and after a while they encountered more trees doing the same.
...Or not.
Either Hiro's mind had played a trick on him or they had been walking past the same tree over and over again. To make sure he wasn't going insane, Hiro excused himself and carved a cross-shaped marking into the mossy tree. Minutes later, they passed by the tree with the very same marking on it, just as Hiro had expected. According to Atlas' explanation, Open Pass also lacked enough dungeon distortion to warp their passage in such a manner. He'd been following Atlas this entire time, so what on earth was going on?
Hiro then put two and two together. Even with the sagely air Atlas' presence gave off, he somehow had an atrocious sense of direction. Not even the weird magical slab he called an 'Expedition Gadget', boasting a comprehensive map, helped them much. They found themselves going in much the same circuits, with the whistling of the breeze through the trees almost sounding mocking as they continued on.
The Sneasel had kept count ever since he marked the tree, and he knew he had to do something when they rounded back to it for the tenth time in a row. He picked up the pace till he was walking right next to Atlas. Hiro stole a glance at the expedition gadget that was under the latter's stern gaze.
"Er… Atlas?" Hiro tugged at the Ampharos' red cape, and smiled awkwardly when Atlas threw him a curious glance. "I want to try looking at that Expedition Gadget for a bit, if you don't mind."
Atlas gave a thoughtful hum, and there was a tinge of nostalgia in his eyes for a moment.
"I don't suppose it'd hurt," he said. "Though do you even know how to use an Expedition Gadget, lad?"
Hiro raised a paw and parted his lips to say yes… right. He lowered his paw and smiled sheepishly.
"Well, there's no time like the present to learn, is there?"
Atlas chuckled. "I suppose not."
The Sneasel only needed half an hour to absorb every instruction from Atlas on how it worked. But every second of that had been enlightening. Hiro may have lost his memories, but he had a gut feeling the world he was from didn't have anything with a 'screen' that changed colors and lights with the touch of one's claw tips.
Once Hiro was in charge of navigation, it didn't take long for them to find the dungeon's exit. Just as when they'd entered, the environment shifted in a heartbeat around them as if they were waking from a dream. Now a sea of jade grass stretched ahead of them for miles, the uniform expanse only broken by the trees that sparsely dotted the landscape.
Hiro didn't spend too much time admiring the view. They had to keep moving.
Over the course of a few days of travel, they passed a few small settlements along the way. Eventually, they delved into another mystery dungeon. This one greeted them with cold, snowy winds, and sparse shrubbery. They pressed along, walking the ground studded with rocks and pebbles like they'd rained down from above. Along the way, they harvested mild-tasting fruits growing on bushes on occasion, adding them to their rations.
Hiro's throat quivered in a constant purr, and at times a trill would escape when he spoke. Something about the dungeon made him feel right at home. Was his Sneasel body built for such colder environments? It felt nice. He could probably build himself a den in the cave they just walked out of and live out his life there…
Hiro abruptly caught himself, and a chill went down his back as he dismissed those thoughts. Did he just consider abandoning his journey? Without skipping another beat, he urged Atlas and Mebh that they should leave.
After channeling the best of his navigation skills to lead the way outside, Hiro tucked the gadget under his arm and took a moment to inhale deeply. His mind no longer dragging itself in two directions was something that he relished. After fully regaining his composure, Hiro discovered they'd wound up in a forest valley surrounded by snow-capped mountains. Sunlight rimmed the mountain peaks in a brilliant orange, marking evening's approach.
At Atlas's suggestion, they began to set up camp.
…...
After Hiro gathered and arranged the wood for their campfire, Atlas set it ablaze with a mere spark from his hand. Hiro stood to his left and marveled at the sight, just like he had the first time they camped out days prior. Whenever Atlas channeled his lightning, Hiro often saw light flicker like a candle inside the orbs on his forehead and tail. A particular memory of him a few days ago, frying a wildener fearow that had dove for them, sprung to mind. Just how exactly did it work?
"You should rest up," Atlas instructed, breaking Hiro out of his thoughts. "We have a long climb to Drago's Watch ahead of us tomorrow." He stretched his arms before finding a seat on the opposite log. "Afterwards, a swift ride on dragon's back should get us to Lively Town beyond the mountains."
"A ride on—" Hiro clamped his claws to his log and leaned forward with a glint in his eyes. "We're going to ride on real dragons?!" This, Hiro could remember more clearly. His mind painted pictures of a fire-breathing lizard raining a blazing storm on… some kind of rocky wall.
Atlas chuckled. "Of course, we are. I even saw Charizard and Gyarados in their stations during my last visit."
Neither of those names brought anything to Hiro's mind, but he nodded along as though he understood anyway. It took him a moment to notice his ears had folded down.
The conversation soon simmered to a lull. Hiro's feather flicked this way and that as if it had a mind of its own, catching all the chirps and clicks of bug mon in the background. The Sneasel did his best to tune it out as he stretched his arms forward and spread his claws out till his joints made a satisfying pop. His eyelids felt heavy, the first calls of sleep tugging at them. He grumbled and slapped his cheek, though that did little to stifle another oncoming yawn.
After his third yawn, Hiro huffed and thought to find a tree to climb soon. That was when the sound of snipping and cutting pricked his ears. He glanced to his left and found Mebh there, her costume stirring like it had a thousand little creatures wriggling inside of it. Hiro furrowed his brows, looked away and paid no further mind to her. The last time he'd been curious enough to ask what she was doing, Mebh had hissed irritably at him and simply said "Not ready" in a grating, low-pitched voice that could haunt a person's dreams for a good long while.
He threw a glance back at Atlas as he walked off toward a tree. "Are we going into another one of those Passage Dungeons tomorrow?"
Atlas looked away from his Expedition gadget. "Unfortunately for us, there isn't one," he replied. "There is a dungeon nearby, but it's an old chasm dungeon. Naturally, that makes it useless as a travel shortcut since one can only leave a chasm through the same doorway they went in through."
"Oh, I see. That's a shame." Hiro hadn't the slightest clue what a chasm dungeon was beyond what Atlas had just said, but he chose not to inquire further.
He'd noticed the looks Atlas sometimes gave him during conversations. It was as if a language barrier existed between them. Hiro often felt like he was treading a floor littered with barbs with each conversation. Just how careful did he need to be? How much had Atlas caught on to him? Part of him was thankful for his memory loss, as it gave a perfect excuse for his ignorance and for avoiding awkward questions each time.
Atlas rose from his log and found an empty patch of soil. He unclipped his cape and spread it on the ground. Then he settled down, tucked his arms under his belly and wrapped his tail forward. Curled this way to sleep, Atlas resembled a big yellow loaf of bread, and Hiro had to pinch himself to stifle a laugh.
Hiro had already climbed up a tree by the time the campfire died down, and yet he couldn't sleep. It wasn't because of Mebh's… activities lingering in his mind; rather, his thoughts just wouldn't stop drifting back to the scene of Atlas lighting those campfires with electric sparks. Hiro also recalled the time when frost clung to his claws back at the village. Neither snow nor hail graced them from the skies that afternoon. Nor did any frigid winds caress them like in that cold, cozy and wonderf— like in that passage dungeon earlier. The ice was definitely something he conjured himself. But how did he do it in the first place? Could he do it again? Such thoughts kept plaguing his mind, and soon he found himself abandoning the notion of sleep entirely. However he'd conjured that frost, he needed to know how to do it again.
The Sneasel hoisted himself to his feet, peeked over the edge of his branch, and slunk down without a second thought. His heart fluttered like a hummingbird's wings as the ground rose up to him. He swiped his claw to his right, hooking it into the tree's rough bark and stopping his fall just a few feet from the ground. He hung there a moment longer, his chest still light, and then grabbed the tree with his other claws before making the rest of the way down.
Hiro unhooked himself, and dropped silently to his feet. He checked to make sure the others were asleep. Atlas continued to snore soundly in his loaf-like state, while Mebh was perched on the log he'd last seen her on. Hiro nodded to himself, and marched his way deeper into the forest.
…...
The clicks and chitters of nocturnal bugs filled Hiro's ears as he walked. Even a few birds could be heard cooing from the tree tops. He mostly ignored the sparse audience and kept his eyes on the path littered with leaves ahead, carpets of moonlit ground guiding his path. He stopped to hack cross-shaped mark into every third tree he encountered for no other reason than instinct. It felt… good, and there was no harm in it either. At least it would at least help him find his way back should he get lost.
At last Hiro chanced upon an open glade, with no wildeners in sight or hearing range. He glanced back the way he came, sap oozing from the latest tree trunk he'd carved a mark into… and also smeared all over his claws. Hiro groaned and crouched on his haunches, then slathered his claws on the ground. Once he'd covered most of the sticky sap in dirt, he rasped his claws together, exposing an ivory-white surface as he scraped the dirt off. A white mist escaped his lips as he sighed. His eyes widened in excitement, but no… He quickly put together that it was just the cold night air. He hadn't figured out that ice sorcery yet.
Hiro closed his eyes and turned his thoughts back to the past, back to his encounter with Atlas at the bench. If he wanted any hope of repeating that scenario, he'd need to replicate the circumstances. At the time, he'd been feeling a sense of dread weighing upon him, hadn't he? Hiro grimaced to himself, but pressed on.
What was he? A human? A Sneasel? A disguised abomination thrust into a world without any regard for his will and choice in the matter? How much of his current self was even real? Each colorful thought his mind conjured put him increasingly on edge, as his heart sank lower and grew colder.
Yet when Hiro opened his eyes, his heart rushing, he still found no frost gathering at his claw tips.
So, fear wasn't the catalyst for whatever he'd done before. Or at least, not one he inflicted upon himself. Hiro groaned and clasped his claws against his head, drawing long heavy breaths. He massaged the fluff of his cheeks and gradually pushed those haunting thoughts of what on earth he was to the back of his mind. He was Hiro, and that was all he needed to be for now.
In spite of that, a frustrating thought remained. What did he need to do to use his ice sorcery, then? Atlas' electric prowess lit like a blinding sun in his mind again. After what he'd already experienced, he'd no doubt need to find his own strength if he wanted to survive this world of Pokémon.
Any answers to his dilemma dangled just out of his reach. Except for one. He could wake Atlas up, explain to him how he was a human—or at least he probably was one, anyways—and that he needed the very basics of life as a Pokémon to be explained to him like a newborn. His stomach tied in a knot. Anything but that.
On their journey alone so far, Atlas had taught him the names of wild berries and foods they encountered, introduced him to the hamlets they'd passed through, and exposed him to the bizarre oddities that were Mystery Dungeons. Soon, Atlas would even show him to someone who might be able to restore his memories. To ask for even more now would just make Hiro a burden, or worse, a parasite.
His frustration growing, Hiro stomped to the tree he'd marked earlier and snarled. A quick swipe from his claw left another mark on it, and then another, and another. If this world's sorcery would not open its secrets to him, then he'd force its doors open. And if not… At least he'd have learned to wield his claws against anyone trying to get the jump on him in the future.
"Playing?" The soft, wispy voice made Hiro pin his tail up against his back. He whirled around with his claws—once again sticky with sap—and found Mebh behind him. The moonlight cast her costume to a faded grey as she approached from the middle of the clearing.
"Mebh?" Hiro asked, blinking. How long had she been there? His cheeks flushed at the thought of her having seen him mindlessly swiping at a tree like a wild animal.
"You… playing?" Mebh asked again, unfazed in her approach even as a breeze blew leaves against her.
"Playing?"
Hiro quirked a brow, glanced at his claws, and scrunched his face at their stickiness. He went about cleaning them much the same way he had before, before throwing a glance back at her.
"No. I wasn't playing. I was just"—he paused to think up an excuse—"training," he said as he scraped off the last patch of dirt on his claw.
"Play…" Mebh cooed. Hiro swore he just heard her giggle. "I like play… too."
"I just said that's not what I was doing," Hiro grumbled.
"Then what?" she asked, her eager stare boring holes into him.
Hiro could feel his fur bristling from her gaze. He moaned and relented. "Okay fine, I was trying to learn how to use—"
Hiro pursed his lips and averted his gaze to the trees on his right. He reserved a moment to consider his next words. When he thought about it, he still didn't even know the proper term for the sorcery he'd seen other Pokemon harness. He studied Mebh from the corner of his eye. She didn't strike him as the sort to care about that though, or even judge him for not knowing.
Perhaps it'd be fine to ask her about the matter?
"Uhm, Mebh, do you have sorcery too?"
Mebh tilted her doll-head to the side and stared unblinkingly at him. Hiro squinted his eyes; had he used the wrong term, or did Mebh herself not know what the right one was either?
Hiro reached up to pinch his snout, though the sharp points of his claw promptly discouraged the act. Moonlight rimmed the blades of his claw as he stared in momentary confusion, unable to place in his mind what he was trying to do. He sighed, lowered his claw, and finally spoke up. "I meant… You know how Atlas can use lightning to make our campfires, right? Can you do anything like that too?"
By the time he'd finished speaking, Mebh had big wide sparkles in her eyes. Without warning, she cocked her head all the way back with a soft hiss. Hiro twitched his nose and perked his ears, alert to whatever would come next. Then lights swirled around like a viscous fluid, congealing to form a ghoulish purple orb. Hiro watched as it hovered a pebble's width above Mebh's head, lingering for a moment.
Before Hiro could gawk at it, the orb launched high up and into the air. It tore past the leaves and the branches, shimmering like a second moon in the sky, shrinking slowly as it ascended higher into the heavens. It twinkled among the stars for a moment then vanished from sight, never to be seen again.
"Like… that?" Mebh asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
Hiro's eyes glimmered with the residual light of the shadowy ball, then he snapped his gaze to Mebh.
"That was… amazing!" he cried. "Show me how you did it. Teach me how!" He shut his mouth as soon as he asked that, cheeks burning in shame.
Meanwhile, Mebh trilled in response. "Okay! Let us play."
"Play? You're still going on about that?" Hiro asked. He didn't understand why in the world she wanted to play that badly, and so late at night, too.
The Sneasel sagged his shoulders and drooped his tail feathers. Much to his great relief, she'd at least ignored his little mishap of begging for help. When he reached for his chest, he could feel his heart still pounding from dredging his worst fears earlier… Perhaps humoring Mebh's proposal to play could help reduce some of that. He could always figure out sorcery some other night.
"Fine, I'll do it. Let's play."
Those few words sealed Hiro's fate. Before he could even blink, a dark blur smacked him right on his forehead gem. Hiro yowled and fell back, clutching his head. In front of him was Mebh, a tendril tied around her now detached paddle-tail.
Hiro massaged his forehead with the back of his claw, more confused than upset she'd hit him. "What did you do that for?!"
Mebh hissed as she lowered her weapon, its flat surface brushing against the grass. "Hiro… not…"
"I'm not… wha—" Before he could even finish his sentence, Mebh again vanished before his eyes and re-appeared right in front of him, poised to strike him with her weapon. He squeaked and shielded his face. When no blow came, Hiro opened his eyes and saw that Mebh had halted her blow just an inch away from his nose. He didn't spare another moment before crawling away to put distance between himself and her.
Hiro hissed at her like a frightened cat and pressed his back against a tree. What was Mebh's problem? Whose idea of 'play' involved hitting others out of nowhere?!
"Hmm… Hiro weak," Mebh said, a hint of disappointment in her tone. "Can't play…"
Though Hiro's encounter with the Beheeyem already made it painfully clear, hearing someone outright call him weak left a pang of pain in his heart.
"I don't know if I want to play… whatever this game is anymore," Hiro said, a growl rumbling in his throat, and his back still glued against rough bark. He didn't take his eyes off her for even a second.
"Learn. By play." Mebh tilted her head with a hum. "Hiro not want?"
Hiro parted his lips slightly and fell speechless. Sparring… he'd walked into sparring by agreeing to play with her. It… made sense. One did get stronger by clashing their strength against others. All this time, she hadn't ignored his impulsive request, but rather had been acting according to it. Even if he'd asked for help at the height of his excitement, it did not at all come in the way he expected.
He hardly wanted to continue right here and now, but it would be discourteous to refuse help when he had been the one to ask for it.
"New play," Mebh said, breaking Hiro out of his thoughts.
"Again?" Hiro twiddled his claws… "I mean I guess it wouldn't hurt." He paused for a beat, his gem still numb with the afterglow of her strike. "Well, it might. Tell me what this new play will be about first, okay?"
Mebh trilled, prompting an awkward smile from Hiro. Then she sprinted a couple feet away and turned around. She waited a moment with a patient shuffle of her feet. "Catch me. You win," she cooed.
"That's it? Oh, I guess…" That did sound better than getting his tail handed to him in a fight he didn't stand a chance in. Her new game almost sounded like something a younger version of him would've played with a group of friends out on the bustling streets… Not that he'd know when he couldn't recall any such memories. Hiro dragged his feet off the ground, taking his time to pull away from the tree and walk a few steps in her direction.
"I just have to catch you. No strings attached, right?" A rumbling churned in his… no, was he purring? He shook off the embarrassment and spread his claws out. "Alright, let's do this then. Here I come!"
Hiro dove at her, but he succeeded only in slamming face first into the ground. Hiro flicked his feather as he spat out a clod of dirt and leaves. His eyes trailed after Mebh, who stood a few feet away from where she had been moments ago, giggling and bobbing her doll head left and right in what he was pretty sure was some sort of taunting gesture.
He made another running start for her and dove a second time. Just as before, she avoided him without breaking a sweat, giggling even louder as Hiro caught nothing but empty space.
Mebh ran right up to him. Hiro swiped his claw at her on instinct. She ducked under it and tackled the Sneasel right off his feet with her paddle tail. The world spun for a moment before, once again, he fell flat on his face.
"So slow. Catch me, Hiro! Hurry!"
Hiro plucked his head from the ground, his eyes now brimming with resolve as he cracked a determined grin. "Okay, you're on!"
Hiro tried for… how long had it been? He wasn't sure and didn't care. Time and again, he was swept up by the flow of Mebh's antics. The game went on as he chased her over shrubs, up the treetops, down into burrows and even across a creek. Every time, Hiro would come close to catching her, but then Mebh would slip out of reach, trilling in delight. Then she'd take a moment to lob him taunting, and then the chase would resume. Over and over again.
Eventually, they made it right back to the glade where they'd started. Mebh waited beneath the tree Hiro had marked with several gashes earlier. The Sneasel caught up, panting heavily while he leaned his weight on a tree stump. Fangs peeked through his grin, his blood coursing with adrenaline. He had to admit, the chase had proved more exciting than he expected. A brief lull settled amidst the breeze, the moon casting a soft light over the pair in their final standoff.
Mebh cooed and bobbed her head. Her big head with its squiggly face tempted Hiro like a cat's toy, provoking a low growl from him. He crouched, tensed his claws, and darted forward. Something happened then. A jet of white dust trailed after Hiro as he pushed his legs harder than he ever had earlier. In a fraction of a second, he closed the distance between himself and Mebh.
"Caught me," Mebh whispered right before they collided. Hiro tackled her down, and swept them both rolling and tumbling together along the ground. When they came to a stop, Hiro groaned and wheezed, his claws scraping against Mebh's costume. She hissed in his arms, though much to his relief, it was a soft and gentle sound.
"What… did I… do just now?" Hiro heaved between heavy breaths, his body still coursing with the weakening afterglow of his previous lunge.
"Played. Learned," Mebh answered with a quiet trill, "Had fun, Hiro?"
Hiro offered her a tired chuckle, his strength ebbing away further. After a long exhale, he said, "Yeah… I kind of did."
The full moon hung like a guiding light in the night sky, its glow engulfing the stars around it. Mebh looked up and gaped at the spectacle, staying fixed to her spot until Hiro's grasp weakened and his breathing steadied. He had fallen asleep at last. Mebh hummed a soft melody to herself, one echoing spirits of a distant memory. When the melody reached its final verse, she bundled Hiro up in her tendrils, then carried him back to their camp by following the trail of marks he'd left behind.
…...
A bright glow spilled over Hiro, stirring him from his sleep. He groaned, rubbing his eyes as he sat up. He briefly wondered what was going on as the previous night's events replayed in his mind. Ah right, he'd humored Mebh's game of chase. But just at the end… he'd done something different. It felt new to him. How had he done tha—
A lustrous wheel careened from the heavens. Hiro squeaked and sprang to his feet in time to see the wheel crash into a floating platform in the far distance. He twitched his nose. Floating platforms? He dropped his jaw agape, eyes darting around as he realized his surroundings were totally unfamiliar. He had no idea where he was… Everywhere he looked in the sky, there were floating discs bearing ornate fractal patterns. Most looked at least ten times larger than the ground he laid on. The handful that were no bigger than his claws drifted like snow around him.
One of them hovered atop Hiro's forehead, spinning afloat like a ballerina. He reached out for it, but halted and gasped when he could see the ground through his arm. Why did his body become see-through like a spirit's? Each movement he made left a trail of itty-bitty fractal discs like the ones he saw everywhere. As if his body needed to change again…
Hiro scratched his cheek, but the absence of even the slightest pinprick of pain convinced him that he was having some kind of dream. A vivid one, but a dream nonetheless. The realization brought on a sense of relief. At least he hadn't somehow sleepwalked into the 'Chasm Dungeon' Atlas told him about.
Hiro walked to the edge of the platform, getting on his knees to peek past it. Far below everything else spread a network of light. It resembled roots pulsing like a beating heart, and each tendril stretched far into the horizon and beyond to the pink cotton candy clouds. Just how far down were the roots? He flicked a pebble off the edge and watched it fall and fall before it became too small to be seen. That… looked like a long way down.
He sighed. Could he even find a safe way to reach the other platforms? Perhaps he could jump and hope for the best? The closest one looked at most maybe seven times his body length away. Even if he failed, he didn't have to fear being hurt too much. It was a dream after all.
"How did YOU get in here?"
Hiro whipped around in time to catch the blur of a small and pink wispy creature hovering behind him. And then his foot slipped off the platform.
"Hey, watch out! You'll fall!" the wispy creature called out, but it was already too late.
Hiro flailed his arms around in vain to try and grab onto anything. He even tried to scream, yet his words failed to materialize. The wispy creature watched from above, calling for him. Their voice rang in Hiro's ears like bells, and yet he could only plunge deeper and deeper. Finally—
…...
"Whaa!" Hiro sprang up and smacked his face right into Mebh's head, earning a not-so-thrilled hiss from the Mimikyu. He rolled himself to the other side of the log before blurting out a quick apology.
Mebh huffed and turned the other way, and then things began to wriggle inside her costume. "Wait. Almost ready."
Hiro stared at her for a moment. He felt his tail feathers squirm. It was just Mebh doing her Mebh things as usual. He sat cross-legged and sagged his shoulders. The events of his dream were still fresh on his mind. Who in the world was that?
"You're finally awake, lad?" the Ampharos asked, sitting atop his cape with his legs crossed. Hiro nodded and idly scrapped his claw on the bark log.
"I had this really weird dream. It almost made me thing I got into a dungeon somehow. Everything about it felt so real," Hiro said, tilting his head at Atlas.
"That sounds like a lucid dream. What was it about? It might clue us in on your forgotten memories perhaps," Atlas speculated as he stroked his chin.
"I don't think it was a memory though, but..." Hiro explained the dream to Atlas, and the puzzling way it ended with him falling off a platform. Yet he noticed a slight shift in Atlas' eyes when he mentioned the creature he'd seen in the dream. A cold shudder crept up Hiro's tail feathers and his claw scraped the log nervously. Was telling Atlas a mistake?
"That is an unusual dream. How intriguing. Restoring your memories might help us shed more light on it." Atlas fetched his journal and scratched a few things into it. "For now we should get on the move while there's still sunshine."
Hiro quirked a brow, and that's when he noticed just how bright everywhere was. He shot his eyes towards the treetops, only to flinch when the sun threatened to blind him. "I overslept?! Why didn't you wake me up sooner?"
"For your own sake," Atlas said with a playful grin. "When you snuck off in the night, I asked Mebh to follow you just in case. But for her to challenge you to a joust under your circumstances…"
Mebh paused from her snipping. "Hiro weak," she chimed in.
"Wh-Hey!" Hiro's cheeks flushed and he pinned his ears back. There she went, calling him weak again. Did she have to say it to his face a second time? His pride had enough holes in it already.
"Now… less weak," Mebh added with a soft hiss.
Atlas laughed heartily. "Count yourself lucky. It hasn't been long since I taught her how to hold back in a fight." Atlas pulled his cape off the ground as he stood up and dusted it off. "Before I found her, she had garnered a bit of an… unfriendly reputation. Rumors had been spreading about a ragged specter confronting travelers on the road before beating them half to death."
Hiro's ears sprang up. "Wait what?" He shot Mebh a frightened look and scooted a couple inches away from her. "Why would you do that?"
Mebh hummed. "For cloth."
"Cloth? What for?"
She pointed to her costume. "For cloth."
Hiro raised a brow and tilted his ears leftward. He opened and closed his mouth a number of times, the words failing to form themselves.
"Make pretty cloth. For me," Mebh added with a pleased hiss. Then all at once, her costume stopped wriggling underneath. "Ready now."
Before Hiro could ask what that meant, Mebh wiggled back and forth before spitting out a clump of teal-green fabric at his face. The Sneasel squeaked and snatched it out of the air before it draped over his face and… he squinted at the cloth hanging from his claw. To his surprise, it didn't have slobber dripping from its hem, nor any moisture at all for that matter. And to his relief, it didn't come from her stomach.
"Wow, this is what you've been making all along?" Hiro asked, delicately moving the cloth between his claws, his eyes carrying the excitement of a jewelry appraiser. The fabric was soft to the touch and sturdy enough that it slid off his claw tips without being pierced through. It made the scarf Atlas had lent him earlier look sad in comparison. The poor thing had snagged against Hiro's claws often enough to be riddled with holes and better resembled an old and used frayed rag by now. In spite of that, Hiro couldn't contain his giddiness.
… How did Mebh have enough space in her costume to make something like that anyways? That, he wasn't sure he'd ever know.
Mebh crawled up beside him, and let him finish admiring her work before asking, "You like?"
Hiro nodded, ears bobbing up and down. "Yeah, it's pretty incredible…" Hiro's mind paused, and he glanced between the cloth in his claws and Mebh. His ears folded back slightly, sensing where things were headed. From Mebh's expectant gaze, and her not so much as reaching a tendril to retrieve it… No, he couldn't jump to conclusions. Instead, he asked, "Is it for—?"
"For Hiro!" Mebh finished for him, her voice chiming with a trill.
Oh, so there it was. Another gift to receive, another debt he needed to repay in days and months to come. Just what did he do to deserve all this generosity? Hiro forced a smile and held the fabric to his chest.
"Thanks, Mebh," he said.
He draped the fabric over his shoulders and pulled the drawstrings taut around his neck. The makeshift poncho weighed heavy on him. "Why the sudden gift?" He couldn't help but ask.
Mebh pointed at his tattered scarf and hissed irritably. "Ugly."
He stared blankly at her. That… was it? That was why she'd gone through all this trouble?
Atlas pried Hiro from his thoughts when the glow of the Expedition Gadget spilled over his face.
"Come along young'uns, we should get moving. The best time to catch a dragon is by late noon," Atlas explained as he handed Hiro the gadget. Hiro was more than happy to resume contributing his navigation abilities. He could return their generosity that way, for the time being at least. At Atlas' beckon, Mebh leapt up and perched herself on the Ampharos' shoulder while Hiro walked ahead, trailing the blinking red light on the map.
"Oh right, something happened last night too," Hiro remarked. He turned around and explained to Atlas the events of the previous night.
Atlas nodded after Hiro was done. "What you described sounds like the move Quick Attack," he explained. "Sneasel are well-known for being nimble. Master that move, it'll be a great asset for you in life."
Hiro's ears fluttered at the sound of that. Though he'd failed to tame ice like he planned originally, at least now he had assurance in knowing that even he had a chance at mastering this world's strange sorcery. He twitched his nose. 'Quick Attack' sounded a bit too silly and basic though. He'd have named it Speed Dash or something along those lines if it were up to him.
… On second thought, maybe not. That sounded even sillier.
…...
Far beyond the mountains, all the way in Lively Town, a café had just reached its closing hours. A cactus-like pokemon wiped the tables with a damp cloth, their gourd-sized ear extensions jiggling with every motion. His mangosteen-like coworker splayed languidly on a couch, her apron draped over her calyx that extended like pig-tails. She hummed a quiet tune while swinging her legs.
A third member walked to the counter, an adjustable stool creaking as a slender vine spun a knob on the side. The barkeep stood behind the counter, cleaning a cup with his scaly hands. When a green horn slowly poked into view, he couldn't help but grin. Two others, as sharp and pointy as the first, followed it. Then at last, the rose pokemon appeared in his full diminutive likeness.
Roselia plopped his flowers on the counter and let out a long sigh. "My petals feel like they're are going to wilt."
Sceptile leaned his face on a palm and tapped on the counter. "Struggling to keep up with the new wave of customers?"
Roselia's cheeks flushed at that. He threw his flowers over his head, and shook them as if they were a pair of pompoms.
"If I'd known it'd get this popular, I wouldn't have ever brought up that stupid tea recipe." He sighed, lowering his roses to cushion his face on them. "It's not even that good. I don't get it…"
A glass cup slid over the counter, spurring Roselia to shoot a pair of vines to snag it. Any later and the glass would've slid right off and shattered on the ground. Steenee wouldn't like that. Roselia caught Sceptile grinning back at him, and he pouted in response.
"You shouldn't have, Sceptile," Roselia said with a forced smile, cupping the glassful of fresh water between his roses.
Sceptile chuckled. "It's on the house, by the way."
Roselia shook his head and heaved a weary sigh. If nothing else, the free drink would invigorate him ahead of his walk back home.
"Ever since we added your tea to our menu, this place's seen a lot more life and new faces arrive. You've been pulling your weight as much as everymon else too. So, don't sell your efforts short, Roselia," Sceptile said while replacing the cabinet stock. His voice carried a grim air for his next few words, "It's not a good way to live."
Roselia jerked his head at the other grass type, but Sceptile had his back turned to him, handling bottles of various wine and liquor of all colors and tastes. He hid his face behind his cup as he drank its contents. Even he had heard his fair share of gossip about Sceptile's past before. Something about him traveling with a Dragonair and Charmeleon pair… and things not ending well.
"I'll keep that in mind."
After a beat of silence, Sceptile turned around and flung a cloth under the counter. Then he said, "Did you hear? The ol' Wandering Thunder is coming back to town soon."
Roselia widened his eyes. "Gramps? Huh. It hasn't even been a month though."
"Apparently, he's been seen with a Sneasel and some… thing in rags." Sceptile shrugged. "You know how he is. He probably picked up some prospective recruits for the E.S."
Roselia stared at his drink vacantly. "That does sound like him." After downing the last drop, he kept the cup and drew a satisfied sigh. He stood up and hopped off the stool, landing on the ground with puffed cheeks.
He went for the door and opened it with little effort. Before leaving, Roselia waved at his coworkers. "Be seeing you guys tomorrow!"
"Sure…" Steenee replied in a haggard voice.
"Catch you in the morning, Rosie!" Maractus answered with an enthusiastic wave.
Sceptile too offered a brief wave back. "Likewise, Roselia."
…
Roselia often followed the same routine on every trip to and from work. Even when the sun set, Lively Town hardly grew any less active with Pokémon out and about. Many of them were Delvers leaving on missions or exploring the streets for leisure. Because of course they would. The worst part of it all was having to wade through the crowded areas and constantly look over his shoulder to avoid being stepped on by a Nidoking or some other large Pokémon. They'd be the one to meet the pointy ends of his thorns if they tried, but Roselia would much prefer to avoid such an encounter altogether.
On the cobblestone path—now dull grey under the blanket of night—he ran into a belsprout and spinda pair and overheard a bit of their conversation.
"Did you hear the rumors? An Aberrant Dungeon was spotted just south of Showdown Mountain."
"By Entei's fangs! That close by?"
"Yes, everymon was talking about it in Barking grove. It's the first thing y'hear soon as you walk into any tavern…"
The pair walked past Roselia and before long, he couldn't eavesdrop their exchange anymore. Aberrant dungeons… he prayed to Alma above that he'd never have to see another one again in his life.
Roselia cut through an alleyway, taking a little-known shortcut. When it opened back up the street, he was surprised to find a crowd of pokemon gathered around a perimeter. Cheers and screams sailed about, along with the flash of elements igniting the night air. A public joust. The two mon taking part would keep it up until one or the other got knocked out, and he didn't have the patience for that. He sighed in defeat and turned around to take the long way.
Roselia soon reached a house at the top of a cliff overlooking the town's main river. It had been built to resemble a white rose in full bloom, with the windows and door cut into the outer petal and a chimney sprouting from the center. During full moons, Roselia would always spend at least a whole minute entranced by the way the moonlight gave the white petals an almost ethereal glow.
Roselia walked into the garden overlooking the porch. He plucked a few flowers on the way and cradled them in his own petals with a smile. The front door was at least three times his height, an artifact of how the house had been built with the previous owner in mind. He'd be a fit for it too if he ever evolved to a Roserade. Still, the knob was only a vine's length away. When he opened the door, a soothing, floral incense greeted him, and he stopped to take a deep breath. Lastly, he flicked a switch and the luminous orbs lit up one by one.
With how tired he was, Roselia went straight for his bedroom upstairs. He placed the flowers on the cupboard, then took off his blue-green work apron. The apron found its place in the wardrobe right next to Roselia's colorful bows, sashes and even a dress he'd worn to attend a wedding once.
Roselia returned downstairs, bringing the flowers to a shrine altar cradled in more flowers he'd brought on previous nights. He cleared the older flowers aside and offered the new ones in their place. He sat before the shrine, clutching the old flowers to his chest and lifted his gaze. The altar held not a photograph nor a pot of ashes. Only a worn-out expedition badge, and a looplet with charred black edges.
"Work sure was busy today, Ma," Roselia said, sagging his shoulders as he sighed. "Gramps is coming back soon, according to Sceptile anyway. Maybe this time I'll finally ask if…" He cupped his flowers over his face. It all began with that strange dream, didn't it? In it he had faced against gods, and fought shoulder to shoulder with fierce allies. "It all felt so real. I started to feel that maybe I could do all those things too, but… that was all stupid, wasn't it? Maybe I should just go back to Ma Zahra. That would probably make her happy."
Roselia didn't get a response. Of course, there had been no one but him in the house. He got up with the old flowers and tucked them into one of the several flower pots and vases decorating his home. When he passed by the shrine again on his way upstairs, his eyes lingered on the badge. Its golden sheen called to him… if only he'd reach out and grab it. No. Roselia squirmed and looked away, then promptly went upstairs to his bedroom. Only fools were swept up by dreams.
Added an extra bit of dialogue after the dream sequence scene.
OH MY GOD! CODE RED! WE HAVE A CODE RED! MEDIUM RARE AND SIRLOIN STAKE LEVELS OF DANGER!!!!!! SOMEONE FIND HIRO TO SAVE US!!!!!
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!! THE MEAT QUESTION HAS BEEN ASKED!!!!!!
…But yes, this is probably one of the things in stories like these that has become quite the world killer. Worldbuilding killer that is, aheh. But yeah, the prospect of mons eating meat has some scandalous implications so exploring that avenue or at least how and why it would be here would probably be a wise thing for you to do.
I did do a quick double check, just to make sure I didn’t miss anything, and yeah the only other meat mention is from Hiro himself so yeah. Some fleshing out the world on that front would be of use, even if not entirely necessary it gives off big implications if not addressed in some minor way.
Now, my joke aside there is one big thing I noticed in this chapter and I’ll give my suggestion later, but first I do want to compliment you on the response to feedback. I liked where the picture was placed for the extra “Daawwwww” points and the characters continue to be distinct and enjoyable.
Joker origin story confirmed for the blazing lizard? I’d be fine with that.
But moving on to some actual meat we can chew, I’m not funny, we get to the mystery dungeons and their concepts. I do enjoy you highlight a difference between dungeons with multiple exists compared to these chasm dungeons. It’s a concept I don’t really see used much and it’s a good way to make your dungeons and their layouts more unique compared to other stories. Wonder if it’ll play a part later.
The followings scenes with the snow and all was nice, though continues to give me SUPER vibes. I do wonder how you’ll differentiate your story from Super, but so far it’s got a nice identity. Also,
"Playing?" The soft, wispy voice made Hiro pin his tail up against his back. He whirled around with his claws—once again sticky with sap—and found Mebh behind him. The moonlight cast her costume to a faded grey as she approached from the middle of the clearing.
Nothing serious here just wanted to mention that the second this line came here, my playlist shifted to “Sahori” from the SMT V soundtrack and daaaaaaaaamn does it work so well. I think Mehb is your strongest in terms of presence and overall just character demeanor and it’s pretty cool how something so minor like an eerie track makes it really show the effectiveness of your words. I could just imagine the chill.
Alright, now to get to the biggest point I have.
So at the start of the chapter, we have scene with Atlas putting his terrible sense of direction on display and our Hiro having to be the hero that saves the day. While this is fine on its own, it does lead to a time skip happening that sort of feels off pace to me. Especially since the tree marking is something Hiro does later in the snowy portion of the chapter. Now, this wouldn’t be too rough if it wasn’t “days” worth of traveling.
I’d imagine maybe if you could find a way to make the lost direction scene happen in the snowy portion so there isn’t a need for a time skip and the linkages can happen or maybe have it happen at the base of the mountain while they’re heading up it that would make the flow work better.
Other than that, it was another good chapter. The trio are still strong, more of the world and concepts are shown, and we even get a little teaser and a potential fourth. Props and let’s see where our Hiro’s journey goes in the Kanto regi- I mean PMD Super Stars! Weaversong Solo!
Here for our review exchange, for a full-fic review!
Love the emphasis in the beginning with "the human". Makes the readers feel Hiro's shock more once he realizes he isn't human anymore.
Love the sensory description! I could very clearly visualize what was happening in the scenes!
Like how Hiro's name was introduced via a memory, not just a memory of what his name was, a memory of a conversation. Guessing the other person in that conversation was Mew?
I really like the extra emphasis after the memory on "the human". It's like Hiro is desperately clinging to the fact that he was human.
Like Hiro's stutter in his first line. Helps show how scared he is.
Ampharos to the rescue!
Onto chapter 2!
Heh, like the pun in the chapter title.
Mebh! I've really been looking forward to reading about this Mimikyu! I can definitely see the Leg inspiration.
Huh, seems like Hiro never had an oran berry before, even in memories. Interesting.
Like how Atlas' species was only mentioned once the description reached his face. Nice attention to detail!
Wonder if Hiro had bad experiences with police back in his world.
Ooooooh, really like the worldbuilding with different kinds of dungeons! I'm excited to see what other types of mystery dungeons there are!
Oh boy, Nuzleaf. And a Xatu! I wonder if that Xatu is the one from Sand Dune of Spirits.
Now for chapter 3!
Heh, like how you introduced Atlas' horrible sense of direction. It's not the dungeon's fault at all, he's just really, really bad with navigation.
Ooooooh, Chasm dungeons! Interesting!
Love Hiro's fascination with Pokemon powers. Makes me excited for him to learn his first move!
Woooo, Quick Attack! Or "Speed Dash", heh.
Hiro falling asleep while holding onto Mebh is adorable.
Ooooooh, Dorri! Or Other Dorri? Not sure, but I'm immensely intrigued by the dream sequence! Feels like it has a bit of a Kingdom Hearts vibe, even!
Woooo, new scarf for Hiro!
A Roselia! Guessing this is the reimagined Cynthian? I wonder what they're like here!
Ooooooh, Aberrant dungeons! I wonder what those are like! Sounds pretty dangerous, given the townspeople's reactions.
I adore this fic! Three chapters in, and it's tied with one other for my favorite Super adaptation! I really look forward to more!
"A ride on—" Hiro clamped his claws to his log and leaned forward with a glint in his eyes. "We're going to ride on real dragons?!" This, Hiro could remember more clearly. His mind painted pictures of a fire-breathing lizard raining a blazing storm on… some kind of rocky wall.
Atlas chuckled. "Of course, we are. I even saw Charizard and Gyarados in their stations during my last visit."
Atlas rose from his log and found an empty patch of soil. He unclipped his cape and spread it on the ground. Then he settled down, tucked his arms under his belly and wrapped his tail forward. Curled this way to sleep, Atlas resembled a big yellow loaf of bread, and Hiro had to pinch himself to stifle a laugh.
The Sneasel hoisted himself to his feet, peeked over the edge of his branch, and slunk down without a second thought. His heart fluttered like a hummingbird's wings as the ground rose up to him. He swiped his claw to his right, hooking it into the tree's rough bark and stopping his fall just a few feet from the ground. He hung there a moment longer, his chest still light, and then grabbed the tree with his other claws before making the rest of the way down.
This paragraph confused me at first, and then I realized that by "slunk" it meant that Hiro had jumped down. To "slink", though, is to "move smoothly and quietly with gliding steps, in a stealthy or sensuous manner" or "come or go unobtrusively or furtively", which to me read like he had climbed down. This is basically fixed by just replacing "slunk" with "jumped" or some synonym of it.
The conversation soon simmered to a lull. Hiro's feather flicked this way and that as if it had a mind of its own, catching all the chirps and clicks of bug mon in the background.
The latter of these kind of seems like it's introducing the bug noises as something new, but it was already given in the former with pretty similar wording. You could do something like "the bugs continued to click and chitter" or "the clicks and chitters of the bugs had only grown louder" to still bring it in to paint the scene while avoiding direct repetition.
Any answers to his dilemma dangled just out of his reach. Except for one. He could wake Atlas up, explain to him how he was a human—or at least he probably was one, anyways—and that he needed the very basics of life as a Pokémon to be explained to him like a newborn. His stomach tied in a knot. Anything but that.
On their journey alone so far, Atlas had taught him the names of wild berries and foods they encountered, introduced him to the hamlets they'd passed through, and exposed him to the bizarre oddities that were Mystery Dungeons. Soon, Atlas would even show him to someone who might be able to restore his memories. To ask for even more now would just make Hiro a burden, or worse, a parasite.
Hiro's worry about feeling like a burden feels a bit like it came from nowhere. I did a re-skim of the second chapter before reading this one, and I don't recall Hiro particularly worrying about feeling like a burden before, when it feels like there were opportunities for a trait like that to surface. I didn't really see that kind of worrying in this chapter before this part, either.
I could take it as something that Hiro only started thinking now after travelling with them, but Hiro's reaction here is really strong and visceral ("anything but that"), which makes it seem like something he thinks very strongly, something we'd seen hints of before. I'd believe it better if he thought of waking up Atlas and was like "eh, I don't know... he's already done so much for me, and I may be getting my memories back soon anyway, and we walked a lot today, he deserves his rest" etc.
As for why he wouldn't tell Atlas about being human, there is his reasoning in the second chapter, which was that he wasn't sure what a human even was or if it was just some other memory he was misinterpreting. It is a bit weak to last multiple days, but it's consistent. One other possible reason to avoid talking about it would be if he got worried that a human would actually be something very bad and saying he's one would lead to bad consequences. He might not have much of a logical reason to assume that, but anxiety could make him play it safe, and for someone in an unfamiliar world, that's an understandable emotion.
By the time he'd finished speaking, Mebh had big wide sparkles in her eyes. Without warning, she cocked her head all the way back with a soft hiss. Hiro twitched his nose and perked his ears, alert to whatever would come next. Then lights swirled around like a viscous fluid, congealing to form a ghoulish purple orb. Hiro watched as it hovered a pebble's width above Mebh's head, lingering for a moment.
This sequence was a little hard to follow/visualize due to the order in which details are presented. The description of the move starts with "then lights swirled around like a viscous fluid", but it doesn't say where these lights are or what color they are, so I don't know what I'm meant to visualize at that point. We get the color only at the end of the second clause ("congealing to form a ghoulish purple orb") and the location only in the next sentence (Hiro watched as it hovered a pebble's width above Mebh's head), and only then do I have enough to form a picture in my head. One way to restructure this to be clearer would be this:
"Then, purple lights appeared above Mebh's head. They swirled around like a viscous fluid, congealing to form a ghoulish purple orb. It lingered for a moment [...]"
The lights, their color and their location are all given in the first sentence and in the same (only) clause, so we know what is there. The rest of the description is reserved for the motion.
"Before I found her, she had garnered a bit of an… unfriendly reputation. Rumors had been spreading about a ragged specter confronting travelers on the road before beating them half to death."
Far beyond the mountains, all the way in Lively Town, a café had just reached its closing hours. A cactus-like pokemon wiped the tables with a damp cloth, their gourd-sized ear extensions jiggling with every motion. His mangosteen-like coworker splayed languidly on a couch, her apron draped over her calyx that extended like pig-tails. She hummed a quiet tune while swinging her legs.
Digging the move powers being seen by Hiro as sorcery thing, makes sense. Him learning via play and some other stuff makes me wonder if using these moves comes at the cost of his humanity, which would make for interesting conflict...
Hiro's interactions with Mebh are really precious. Mebh is precious.
I'm also interested in this categorization of dungeons like Passage and Chasm and Aberrant - it's been forever since I played PSMD, but I don't think that was in the games.
Then we get some new characters, most importantly Roselia. I looked up Roselia on Bulbapedia to check if he was a character in PSMD, and there is apparently a Roselia, but female and with a Budew child. Too early to say if there's a connection, but I'll leave that to people better at theorizing anyway. Nevertheless, it seems like there's history to this character with the shrine to his passed mother with mentions of dreams and exploration. Interested to see where it goes.
Sorry for the choppy comments this time lol. Brain be like that sometimes. Good luck with writing onward and see you around!
Hello! How's it going, Adam? Hope you're having a splendid day or night depending on when you read this!
So here are my thoughts:
I've read through chapter 1 to 3 and I've gotta say, I'm absolutely lovin' it!
Chapter 1 was a great introduction to things and Hiro's thoughts were displayed pretty well and I could feel the tension in the air when he met the Beheeyems. I've never played Super Mystery Dungeon before so I'm probably not gonna be able to appreciate the changes in this au, but this is going well regardless of that fact.
Then came chapter 2 and can I just say that I love Mebh so much (she's so precious!). Anyway, Hiro's confusion and puzzlement at the Oran Berry, his fleeting memories and the strange voice were rather interesting, is he gonna be getting his memories back later on or nah? (Also I think I'm getting the hint that Hiro might be from a world similar to ours rather than any Pokémon-related ones)
Next chapter 3, the chase between Hiro and Mebh was fun and I loved their interactions (The art was adorable). Though I do disagree with his plan of keeping his human identity a secret (that's definitely gonna bite him in the butt later on), and the transition to a bunch of random Pokémon seemed strange but I'm gonna assume that the Roselia might be the one that's either joining him or the one caring for him based on 3 other PSMD-related fics I've read.
And down here's my line-by-line reactions (not as detailed as I liked it to be due to my brain being fried like a turkey atm):
Hiro may have lost his memories, but he had a gut feeling the world he was from didn't have anything with a 'screen' that changed colors and lights with the touch of one's claw tips.
So is he talking about holographic things or smartphone screens?
'cause one implies that he might not live in a standard Pokémon world (either that or his world is in an earlier time period), and the other implies that he lived in our world but in the 1900s or lower.
I've been wanting to read your new PMD 'fic, and I've really enjoyed it! I'm all caught up, so I'll share some thoughts.
Your writing style has come in leaps and bounds since you first set out to write fanfiction. This is lovely to see. It flows well and is pretty vivid, and I'm always a sucker for descriptive writing.
Hiro is a very likable character. His lack of memories is portrayed very well. I'm also pretty fond of Mebh. Mimikyu is a pokemon that's grown on me over the past couple of years, and she's pretty adorable in your 'fic, while maintaining that creepy atmosphere the design gives off.
Chapter 1
I'll admit, it took me an embarassingly long time to realize this was set up to begin with a similar premise to Super Mystery Dungeon, which is shocking since I only started re-playing it last week... so I should be familiar with the opening plot. I really love this idea, it's interesting to see a re-telling where events could take a hugely different path.
Hiro glanced over his shoulder to get a better look at them as he fixed his posture. Did the feathers aid his balance? It sure felt that way, as they’d tilt and flick each time he looked like he was about to faceplant to the ground. He had another one on his head too for some reason.
'for some reason' XD ahh, his confusion is delightful. The way you've described the feathers here is lovely and gives some life to the character, not always easy in writing.
Hiro dipped his paws in to cup some of the water at first, and it all but drained through his claws. Clearly his paws weren’t intended to be used as makeshift bowls
And this is the point I realized it was Super Mystery Dungeon XD These guys came across as pretty creepy. I wasn't expecting you to make them speak later, either. You've given them a lot of personality.
He turned his eyes to the door standing at the far end of the room, then at the other sitting ajar on the left corner. Their rough woody frames would make for perfect scratching pos— Hiro immediately squashed that thought and shook his head.
Then she nonchalantly crawled up his bed, like a magnet sliding up a wall. Hiro remained seated in place, not daring to check beneath those rags to see if she had legs, or tentacles instead… and who knew how many she’d have?
Atlas flicked an ear and cast him a confused glance. “A cop?”
Hiro raised his left paw to answer, but the answer to the question danced across the grooves of his brain like an acrobat, elusive and beyond the edge of realization. He lowered his paw slowly, grimacing at the wooden planks below. “Never mind… what were those questions you had again?”
Not far inside, a Nuzleaf sat at alone with a sleeping guest in the dark cave. He tugged at the leaf growing from his head till it nearly snapped, then he’d release it, and repeat the process. The sting from it helped him stay calm.
I don't know if this is a thing in the games (I've only played it in Japanese, and I'm not fluent) but with this little character trait you can already get a feel for Nuzleaf's character before he's even said anything.
Chapter 3
This chapter was fun! I enjoyed the dynamic building between Hiro and Mebh. Their little skirmish was fun and cute to read. I also like the animalistic behavior Hiro demonstrates, rather than being a pokemon-shaped human.
The ending with the roselia was interesting. It's too early yet to know what part they play in the story. It felt like it didn't really explain much, but I feel there's more to that badge than a reader can understand at first glance. Unless roselia has a relation to a character in Super? It's been a long time since I first played through it, and I can't remember every one of the extensive cast.
Atlas laughed heartily. "Count yourself lucky. It hasn't been long since I taught her how to hold back in a fight." Atlas pulled his cape off the ground as he stood up and dusted it off. "Before I found her, she had garnered a bit of an… unfriendly reputation. Rumors had been spreading about a ragged specter confronting travelers on the road before beating them half to death."
This was a great start, and I wanted to read all three chapters before I reviewed (I started this morning lol). I spotted very few errors, and I can't complain at all about your grammar. It was a very enjoyable read. I'm looking forward to the next update =D keep up the good work!
I’m very not a PMD fan, so I may miss some things that are inherent to the setting (though I have played rescue team/explorers).
I’ll be honest, the opening does not grab me. Maybe thats my problem with my whole “can’t relate unless there are physical humans” thing, but it does seem like the “wake up with amnesia“ thing didn’t work with me.
In specific, I found it strange how the narration was like ”and then he fell asleep”. It seems abrupt and like you were trying to force an end the scene rather than finding a natural ending.
Now, all that being said, once you leave that opening scene the fic really opens up. I’m not a huge fan of amnesia as a plot device, but the entire sequence from the river to Hiro realizing he’s being followed was great. I loved the little attention to details like him being unable to use his claws as bowls and finding his new form cute.
I LOVED the beeheeyem. Fantastic sense of wrongness, and alien nature, and I loved the action scene. You didn’t start the strongest IMO, but holy crap did you finish strong and give yourself a fantastic springboard of a first chapter.
I think you’re gonna regret that if you try, buddy. XD
Any table manners he might have practiced in another life went out the window as he tore fangs into the berry, each bite showering his mouth with a punch of warm flavors.
Ah so Mebh is with the Expedition Society, huh? Interesting. Wonder how she’ll change up the story of Super (I mean, I guess finding Hiro before Nuzleaf does is already one major thing) and if there any other new Pokémon in the Expedition Society.
It’s most definitely due to incompetence on their part
Alright, and looks like that’s it. Like the previous chapter, I thought this one was pretty good! I’m interested to see where this is going and whether or not Ampharos’ early arrival will result in the story having a different outcome than Super. After all, despite things seemingly looking better for Hiro than the situation the player was canonically in at this point, the partner is now alone with Nuzleaf. Unless Mebh is the reincarnated Mew and there is nobody else with Nuzleaf at the moment? I guess we’ll see!
Whelp, it took me a lot longer than I’d have hoped to get current with this story, but better late than never, at least. Same caveats as all my other prior reviews apply, though it’s honestly been long enough that I could use the refresher.
So let’s pick right up with…
Chapter 3
The Village Pokémon had been kind enough to offer Atlas and the others a few pounds of dried meat, some fruits, and refills of their water canteens. Restocked with enough supplies to last them a few days, they bade the small hamlet farewell and began their journey into the pine forest. During their trek, Hiro kept his idle mind busy by counting pinecones on the treetops, each one looked at least three times the size of his head. Compared to the trees they grew from, they looked like boulders growing on shrubs.
Hiro: "... I'd feel a lot more secure if I was wearing a helmet, really."
Atlas leaned over to match Hiro's height and made a broad gesture at the trees. "I know what you're worried about, but those aren't Pineco." He singled out a pinecone dangling off a scrawny branch. "Pineco have a darker blue-green shade that's hard to miss, and they only hang by midsection branches."
Hiro nodded along to the Ampharos' explanation, though a grimace remained etched on his face. "I don't get why the pinecones are so huge though."
Atlas grinned and cast Mebh a look, who was perched on his shoulder with her paddle-tail bobbing up and down with every step he took. "It's called mimicry. A hungry Skwovet will think twice before munching on a pinecone that resembles a pineco." Atlas broke into laughter at his own joke.
Oh right, it's this part. I still think that it's a nice touch since this sort of mimicry happens IRL, and it's only logical that in a world with Pokémon crawling around, that there'd be selection pressure for plants to adapt based off the behavioral patterns of Pokémon.
I legit don't think I've ever seen another author do this in writing either in PMD or in Mainline writings, so kudos there.
Hiro smiled awkwardly in response. He clasped his claws tighter around the strap of their traveling bag—even Atlas couldn't decline Hiro's zealous offers to carry some of the load for the duration of their trip—and turned his face towards the trees ahead.
The three exchanged no more than a few words between themselves for the next few minutes. One moment Hiro was watching the pine trees, and the next time he blinked, the scenery had shifted to the familiar evergreen glade of Open Pass. Atlas had mentioned something before they left the hamlet about the lowest distortion dungeons lacking defined gateways. Only now did Hiro understand what that truly meant.
Wait, "lowest distortion" as in "weakest Mystery Dungeons"? So in that case the weaker MDs are also the ones that are the easiest to stumble into by accident since they don't telegraph their existence as well as stronger ones? I think that's what that's saying, but not sure there.
They journeyed on for some time through the forest, passing by trees strangling mossy boulders in their rooted grasps, and after a while they encountered more trees doing the same.
...Or not.
Either Hiro's mind had played a trick on him or they had been walking past the same tree over and over again. To make sure he wasn't going insane, Hiro excused himself and carved a cross-shaped marking into the mossy tree. Minutes later, they passed by the tree with the very same marking on it, just as Hiro had expected. According to Atlas' explanation, Open Pass also lacked enough dungeon distortion to warp their passage in such a manner. He'd been following Atlas this entire time, so what on earth was going on?
You're stuck with an incarnation of PSMD!Ampharos. That's what's going on.
Hiro then put two and two together. Even with the sagely air Atlas' presence gave off, he somehow had an atrocious sense of direction. Not even the weird magical slab he called an 'Expedition Gadget', boasting a comprehensive map, helped them much. They found themselves going in much the same circuits, with the whistling of the breeze through the trees almost sounding mocking as they continued on.
The Sneasel had kept count ever since he marked the tree, and he knew he had to do something when they rounded back to it for the tenth time in a row. He picked up the pace till he was walking right next to Atlas. Hiro stole a glance at the expedition gadget that was under the latter's stern gaze.
I'm honestly a little surprised that Hiro had the patience to tolerate that for ten repetitions instead of stepping in on the third or fourth one. Either he's pretty patient, or it took a while for him to work up the courage to speak up there.
If that's not the intended vibe you wanted to give off, you probably want to turn "ten" into a smaller number.
"Er… Atlas?" Hiro tugged at the Ampharos' red cape, and smiled awkwardly when Atlas threw him a curious glance. "I want to try looking at that Expedition Gadget for a bit, if you don't mind."
Atlas gave a thoughtful hum, and there was a tinge of nostalgia in his eyes for a moment.
"I don't suppose it'd hurt," he said. "Though do you even know how to use an Expedition Gadget, lad?"
Hiro: "(Should've asked this sometime before we went past this tree ten times, but better late than never, I suppose.)" >_>;
The Sneasel only needed half an hour to absorb every instruction from Atlas on how it worked. But every second of that had been enlightening. Hiro may have lost his memories, but he had a gut feeling the world he was from didn't have anything with a 'screen' that changed colors and lights with the touch of one's claw tips.
Oh, so Hiro's the inquisitive / "finds learning fun" type. I mean, I kinda got that vibe from earlier chapters, but it's definitely front and center here. Wonder if it'll come up again in future chapters.
Once Hiro was in charge of navigation, it didn't take long for them to find the dungeon's exit. Just as when they'd entered, the environment shifted in a heartbeat around them as if they were waking from a dream. Now a sea of jade grass stretched ahead of them for miles, the uniform expanse only broken by the trees that sparsely dotted the landscape.
Atlas: "Looks wonderful, don't you think?" ^^
Hiro: "More like a fantastic place to get lost. Thank goodness I know how to work that Expedition Gadget now."
Hiro didn't spend too much time admiring the view. They had to keep moving.
Over the course of a few days of travel, they passed a few small settlements along the way. Eventually, they delved into another mystery dungeon. This one greeted them with cold, snowy winds, and sparse shrubbery. They pressed along, walking the ground studded with rocks and pebbles like they'd rained down from above. Along the way, they harvested mild-tasting fruits growing on bushes on occasion, adding them to their rations.
I kinda wonder if the underlined bit either needed more of a transition going into it or else should've had a hard scene break after the part where Hiro goes off into the grass. Since that's a pretty abrupt jump ahead in time and space from one paragraph to the other.
Hiro's throat quivered in a constant purr, and at times a trill would escape when he spoke. Something about the dungeon made him feel right at home. Was his Sneasel body built for such colder environments? It felt nice. He could probably build himself a den in the cave they just walked out of and live out his life there…
Hiro abruptly caught himself, and a chill went down his back as he dismissed those thoughts. Did he just consider abandoning his journey? Without skipping another beat, he urged Atlas and Mebh that they should leave.
That actually makes me wonder how frequently that happens to other Pokémon in this setting. Since if Hiro briefly felt tempted to just stay and chill in his current Mystery Dungeon...
After channeling the best of his navigation skills to lead the way outside, Hiro tucked the gadget under his arm and took a moment to inhale deeply. His mind no longer dragging itself in two directions was something that he relished. After fully regaining his composure, Hiro discovered they'd wound up in a forest valley surrounded by snow-capped mountains. Sunlight rimmed the mountain peaks in a brilliant orange, marking evening's approach.
Huh. That was certainly a fast dungeon crawl. A little disappointed that we didn't get to see more of what it looked like, but meh. The gang's got places to be, so I don't blame you for opting to hit the fast forward button.
After Hiro gathered and arranged the wood for their campfire, Atlas set it ablaze with a mere spark from his hand. Hiro stood to his left and marveled at the sight, just like he had the first time they camped out days prior. Whenever Atlas channeled his lightning, Hiro often saw light flicker like a candle inside the orbs on his forehead and tail. A particular memory of him a few days ago, frying a wildener fearow that had dove for them, sprung to mind. Just how exactly did it work?
Wait, was that electrical or something like Fire Punch? Since if it was electrical in nature, one would think that Atlas would've aimed for something kindling dispersed among their campfire's wood, since it'd be more likely to set that on fire and combustion could just take over from there.
"You should rest up," Atlas instructed, breaking Hiro out of his thoughts. "We have a long climb to Drago's Watch ahead of us tomorrow." He stretched his arms before finding a seat on the opposite log. "Afterwards, a swift ride on dragon's back should get us to Lively Town beyond the mountains."
Hiro: "... I'm sorry, did you just say "ride on dragon's back?"
Atlas: "Yes, and? That is what Drago's Watch is known for..."
"A ride on—" Hiro clamped his claws to his log and leaned forward with a glint in his eyes. "We're going to ride on real dragons?!" This, Hiro could remember more clearly. His mind painted pictures of a fire-breathing lizard raining a blazing storm on… some kind of rocky wall.
Atlas chuckled. "Of course, we are. I even saw Charizard and Gyarados in their stations during my last visit."
Mebh: "... You realize that the fliers from Drago's Watch literally do this day in and day out, right?"
Hiro: "I have amnesia so this is all new to me?" ^^;
Mebh: "... Right."
Neither of those names brought anything to Hiro's mind, but he nodded along as though he understood anyway. It took him a moment to notice his ears had folded down.
The conversation soon simmered to a lull. Hiro's feather flicked this way and that as if it had a mind of its own, catching all the chirps and clicks of bug mon in the background. The Sneasel did his best to tune it out as he stretched his arms forward and spread his claws out till his joints made a satisfying pop. His eyelids felt heavy, the first calls of sleep tugging at them. He grumbled and slapped his cheek, though that did little to stifle another oncoming yawn.
After his third yawn, Hiro huffed and thought to find a tree to climb soon. That was when the sound of snipping and cutting pricked his ears. He glanced to his left and found Mebh there, her costume stirring like it had a thousand little creatures wriggling inside of it. Hiro furrowed his brows, looked away and paid no further mind to her. The last time he'd been curious enough to ask what she was doing, Mebh had hissed irritably at him and simply said "Not ready" in a grating, low-pitched voice that could haunt a person's dreams for a good long while.
I... did not need the mental image of Mebh as Oogie Boogie in my mind, thanks. .-.
He threw a glance back at Atlas as he walked off toward a tree. "Are we going into another one of those Passage Dungeons tomorrow?"
Atlas looked away from his Expedition gadget. "Unfortunately for us, there isn't one," he replied. "There is a dungeon nearby, but it's an old Chasm Dungeon. Naturally, that makes it useless as a travel shortcut since one can only leave a chasm through the same doorway they went in through."
"Oh, I see. That's a shame." Hiro hadn't the slightest clue what a Chasm Dungeon was beyond what Atlas had just said, but he chose not to inquire further.
You proooobably want to mention in passing that the MD they went through earlier was a Passage Dungeon somewhere in the narration around the time the gang actually goes through it, since this admittedly feels a bit late to be bringing that up.
Also, if 'chasm dungeon' is supposed to be a classification of dungeon, you should probably capitalize it in the same style as "Passage Dungeon" for consistency / to communicate that it's a general type of MD and not one specific one that just happens to be an old chasm.
He'd noticed the looks Atlas sometimes gave him during conversations. It was as if a language barrier existed between them. Hiro often felt like he was treading a floor littered with barbs with each conversation. Just how careful did he need to be? How much had Atlas caught on to him? Part of him was thankful for his memory loss, as it gave a perfect excuse for his ignorance and for avoiding awkward questions each time.
I find it kinda ironic that this is the second Super AU fic that I've read where the protag winds up joining Ampharos but having trouble trusting him. It makes sense in context for Hiro, though, since... yeah, he's kinda taking a blind leap of faith that Atlas is trustworthy since he doesn't exactly know the world he stumbled into well.
Atlas rose from his log and found an empty patch of soil. He unclipped his cape and spread it on the ground. Then he settled down, tucked his arms under his belly and wrapped his tail forward. Curled this way to sleep, Atlas resembled a big yellow loaf of bread, and Hiro had to pinch himself to stifle a laugh.
a thing in your story. Kiiiinda regret not doing the same in Fledglings since there's actually a point in it that would've been perfect for a cute little nod like that (even if said scene might have predated Ampharloaf).
Hiro had already climbed up a tree by the time the campfire died down, and yet he couldn't sleep. It wasn't because of Mebh's… activities lingering in his mind; rather, his thoughts just wouldn't stop drifting back to the scene of Atlas lighting those campfires with electric sparks. Hiro also recalled the time when frost clung to his claws back at the village. Neither snow nor hail graced them from the skies that afternoon. Nor did any frigid winds caress them like in that cold, cozy and wonderf— like in that passage dungeon earlier. The ice was definitely something he conjured himself.
But how did he do it in the first place? Could he do it again? Such thoughts kept plaguing his mind, and soon he found himself abandoning the notion of sleep entirely. However he'd conjured that frost, he needed to know how to do it again.
Would recommend breaking this one paragraph into two, since it's pretty long and encapsulates two separate ideas: Hiro's "hey wait a minute, my ice on my claws was like Atlas' freaky electric thing" realization, and then his "... but how'd I even do that?" moment.
The Sneasel hoisted himself to his feet, peeked over the edge of his branch, and slunk down without a second thought. His heart fluttered like a hummingbird's wings as the ground rose up to him. He swiped his claw to his right, hooking it into the tree's rough bark and stopping his fall just a few feet from the ground. He hung there a moment longer, his chest still light, and then grabbed the tree with his other claws before making the rest of the way down.
Hiro unhooked himself, and dropped silently to his feet. He checked to make sure the others were asleep. Atlas continued to snore soundly in his loaf-like state, while Mebh was perched on the log he'd last seen her on. Hiro nodded to himself, and marched his way deeper into the forest.
Hiro: "... I should probably be more concerned about how on earth that came so naturally to me, but whatever. Not gonna question it."
The clicks and chitters of nocturnal bugs filled Hiro's ears as he walked. Even a few birds could be heard cooing from the tree tops. He mostly ignored the sparse audience and kept his eyes on the path littered with leaves ahead, carpets of moonlit ground guiding his path. He stopped to hack cross-shaped mark into every third tree he encountered for no other reason than instinct. It felt… good, and there was no harm in it either. At least it would at least help him find his way back should he get lost.
Nocturnal bugs and birds as in other Pokémon? Or straight-up bugs and birds as normal animals?
At last Hiro chanced upon an open glade, with no wildeners in sight or hearing range. He glanced back the way he came, sap oozing from the latest tree trunk he'd carved a mark into… and also smeared all over his claws. Hiro groaned and crouched on his haunches, then slathered his claws on the ground. Once he'd covered most of the sticky sap in dirt, he rasped his claws together, exposing an ivory-white surface as he scraped the dirt off. A white mist escaped his lips as he sighed. His eyes widened in excitement, but no… He quickly put together that it was just the cold night air. He hadn't figured out that ice sorcery yet.
Hey, at least the dirt trick was pretty clever for getting the sap off. :V
Hiro closed his eyes and turned his thoughts back to the past, back to his encounter with Atlas at the bench. If he wanted any hope of repeating that scenario, he'd need to replicate the circumstances. At the time, he'd been feeling a sense of dread weighing upon him, hadn't he? Hiro grimaced to himself, but pressed on.
So Hiro needs to be in a fight-or-flight state in order to wield his elemental abilities? I mean, it'd make sense, but I wonder if that's an "unpracticed beginner" thing, or just how move usage works in general in this setting.
What was he? A human? A Sneasel? A disguised abomination thrust into a world without any regard for his will and choice in the matter? How much of his current self was even real? Each colorful thought his mind conjured put him increasingly on edge, as his heart sank lower and grew colder.
You were reading ShadowVulpi fics prior to writing this chapter, weren't you? :V
Yet when Hiro opened his eyes, his heart rushing, he still found no frost gathering at his claw tips.
So, fear wasn't the catalyst for whatever he'd done before. Or at least, not one he inflicted upon himself. Hiro groaned and clasped his claws against his head, drawing long heavy breaths. He massaged the fluff of his cheeks and gradually pushed those haunting thoughts of what on earth he was to the back of his mind. He was Hiro, and that was all he needed to be for now.
Scratch that 'fight or flight response' bit from earlier.
In spite of that, a frustrating thought remained. What did he need to do to use his ice sorcery, then? Atlas' electric prowess lit like a blinding sun in his mind again. After what he'd already experienced, he'd no doubt need to find his own strength if he wanted to survive this world of Pokémon.
Hiro: "... In retrospect, I should've just Atlas how that worked and played it off as my amnesia messing with me. It wouldn't have been totally inaccurate." >_>;
Any answers to his dilemma dangled just out of his reach. Except for one. He could wake Atlas up, explain to him how he was a human—or at least he probably was one, anyways—and that he needed the very basics of life as a Pokémon to be explained to him like a newborn. His stomach tied in a knot. Anything but that.
Well, never mind then. I forgot that the shame of openly asking "... how do I shot web?" was too much for Hiro to bear.
On their journey alone so far, Atlas had taught him the names of wild berries and foods they encountered, introduced him to the hamlets they'd passed through, and exposed him to the bizarre oddities that were Mystery Dungeons. Soon, Atlas would even show him to someone who might be able to restore his memories. To ask for even more now would just make Hiro a burden, or worse, a parasite.
That... actually makes me curious as to what Hiro's life as a human was like. Since this guy sure seems awfully concerned about not being a burden on others.
His frustration growing, Hiro stomped to the tree he'd marked earlier and snarled. A quick swipe from his claw left another mark on it, and then another, and another. If this world's sorcery would not open its secrets to him, then he'd force its doors open. And if not… At least he'd have learned to wield his claws against anyone trying to get the jump on him in the future.
"Playing?" The soft, wispy voice made Hiro pin his tail up against his back. He whirled around with his claws—once again sticky with sap—and found Mebh behind him. The moonlight cast her costume to a faded grey as she approached from the middle of the clearing.
"Mebh?" Hiro asked, blinking. How long had she been there? His cheeks flushed at the thought of her having seen him mindlessly swiping at a tree like a wild animal.
Mebh: "I can just poke your shoulder next time if you prefer-"
Hiro: "... Okay, you know what? Never mind. Just stick with the creepy surprise hellos since it'd sure beat that." >_>;
"You… playing?" Mebh asked again, unfazed in her approach even as a breeze blew leaves against her.
"Playing?"
Hiro quirked a brow, glanced at his claws, and scrunched his face at their stickiness. He went about cleaning them much the same way he had before, before throwing a glance back at her. "No. I wasn't playing. I was just"—he paused to think up an excuse—"training," he said as he scraped off the last patch of dirt on his claw.
Hiro could feel his fur bristling from her gaze. He moaned and relented. "Okay fine, I was trying to learn how to use—"
Hiro pursed his lips and averted his gaze to the trees on his right. He reserved a moment to consider his next words. When he thought about it, he still didn't even know the proper term for the sorcery he'd seen other Pokemon harness. He studied Mebh from the corner of his eye. She didn't strike him as the sort to care about that though, or even judge him for not knowing.
Hiro: "I... just sounded like a massive idiot, didn't I?" >_>;
Mebh: "Like someone out of element, for sure."
Mebh tilted her doll-head to the side and stared unblinkingly at him. Hiro squinted his eyes; had he used the wrong term, or did Mebh herself not know what the right one was either?
Hiro reached up to pinch his snout, though the sharp points of his claw promptly discouraged the act. Moonlight rimmed the blades of his claw as he stared in momentary confusion, unable to place in his mind what he was trying to do. He sighed, lowered his claw, and finally spoke up. "I meant… You know how Atlas can use lightning to make our campfires, right? Can you do anything like that too?"
Oh right, Hiro actually has a "I just sounded really stupid, didn't I?" moment. 😛
By the time he'd finished speaking, Mebh had big wide sparkles in her eyes. Without warning, she cocked her head all the way back with a soft hiss. Hiro twitched his nose and perked his ears, alert to whatever would come next. Then lights swirled around like a viscous fluid, congealing to form a ghoulish purple orb. Hiro watched as it hovered a pebble's width above Mebh's head, lingering for a moment.
Before Hiro could gawk at it, the orb launched high up and into the air. It tore past the leaves and the branches, shimmering like a second moon in the sky, shrinking slowly as it ascended higher into the heavens. It twinkled among the stars for a moment then vanished from sight, never to be seen again.
"Like… that?" Mebh asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
Hiro: "... Not sure if I really want to know what her idea of 'playing' is, honestly."
The Sneasel sagged his shoulders and drooped his tail feathers. Much to his great relief, she'd at least ignored his little mishap of begging for help. When he reached for his chest, he could feel his heart still pounding from dredging his worst fears earlier… Perhaps humoring Mebh's proposal to play could help reduce some of that. He could always figure out sorcery some other night.
Those few words sealed Hiro's fate. Before he could even blink, a dark blur smacked him right on his forehead gem. Hiro yowled and fell back, clutching his head. In front of him was Mebh, a tendril tied around her now detached paddle-tail.
Hiro massaged his forehead with the back of his claw, more confused than upset she'd hit him. "What did you do that for?!"
Mebh: "We're Pokémon and sparring is literally common type of play?" >:|
Hiro: "Mebh. I. Didn't. Know. That." >.<
Mebh hissed as she lowered her weapon, its flat surface brushing against the grass. "Hiro… not…"
"I'm not… wha—" Before he could even finish his sentence, Mebh again vanished before his eyes and re-appeared right in front of him, poised to strike him with her weapon. He squeaked and shielded his face. When no blow came, Hiro opened his eyes and saw that Mebh had halted her blow just an inch away from his nose. He didn't spare another moment before crawling away to put distance between himself and her.
Hiro hissed at her like a frightened cat and pressed his back against a tree. What was Mebh's problem? Whose idea of 'play' involved hitting others out of nowhere?!
Though Hiro's encounter with the Beheeyem already made it painfully clear, hearing someone outright call him weak left a pang of pain in his heart.
"I don't know if I want to play… whatever this game is anymore," Hiro said, a growl rumbling in his throat, and his back still glued against rough bark. He didn't take his eyes off her for even a second.
"Learn. By play." Mebh tilted her head with a hum. "Hiro not want?"
Mebh: "Come on, Hiro know Hiro want to get stronger..."
Hiro: "... This is some sort of reverse psychology trick, isn't it?"
Hiro parted his lips slightly and fell speechless. Sparring… he'd walked into sparring by agreeing to play with her. It… made sense. One did get stronger by clashing their strength against others. All this time, she hadn't ignored his impulsive request, but rather had been acting according to it. Even if he'd asked for help at the height of his excitement, it did not at all come in the way he expected.
Yeah, this is why it pays not to make assumptions about how things work in the alien world where you're presently stuck in an alien body. Wonder if Hiro will also blunder into a few other situations like this in future chapters.
He hardly wanted to continue right here and now, but it would be discourteous to refuse help when he had been the one to ask for it.
"New play," Mebh said, breaking Hiro out of his thoughts.
"Again?" Hiro twiddled his claws… "I mean I guess it wouldn't hurt." He paused for a beat, his gem still numb with the afterglow of her strike. "Well, it might. Tell me what this new play will be about first, okay?"
Mebh trilled, prompting an awkward smile from Hiro. Then she sprinted a couple feet away and turned around. She waited a moment with a patient shuffle of her feet. "Catch me. You win," she cooed.
I mean, normally, this would bode well for Hiro since Sneasel are fast and zippy types, but... yeah, this is Hiro here. He's got some work to do before his knifecat body becomes second nature to him.
"That's it? Oh, I guess…" That did sound better than getting his tail handed to him in a fight he didn't stand a chance in. Her new game almost sounded like something a younger version of him would've played with a group of friends out on the bustling streets… Not that he'd know when he couldn't recall any such memories. Hiro dragged his feet off the ground, taking his time to pull away from the tree and walk a few steps in her direction.
I mean, from the fact that he could think of that hypothetical scenario / "this feels vaguely familiar to me", I'd wager that Hiro has latent memories buried somewhere in there.
"I just have to catch you. No strings attached, right?" A rumbling churned in his… no, was he purring? He shook off the embarrassment and spread his claws out. "Alright, let's do this then. Here I come!"
Hiro dove at her, but he succeeded only in slamming face first into the ground. Hiro flicked his feather as he spat out a clod of dirt and leaves. His eyes trailed after Mebh, who stood a few feet away from where she had been moments ago, giggling and bobbing her doll head left and right in what he was pretty sure was some sort of taunting gesture.
I actually don't remember what Mebh did here from beta reading, but I'm pretty sure that she just turned incorporeal and let Hiro phase through her.
He made another running start for her and dove a second time. Just as before, she avoided him without breaking a sweat, giggling even louder as Hiro caught nothing but empty space.
Mebh ran right up to him. Hiro swiped his claw at her on instinct. She ducked under it and tackled the Sneasel right off his feet with her paddle tail. The world spun for a moment before, once again, he fell flat on his face.
This sounds like a recipe for things to escalate unintentionally far, but let's see where this goes.
Hiro tried for… how long had it been? He wasn't sure and didn't care. Time and again, he was swept up by the flow of Mebh's antics. The game went on as he chased her over shrubs, up the treetops, down into burrows and even across a creek. Every time, Hiro would come close to catching her, but then Mebh would slip out of reach, trilling in delight. Then she'd take a moment to lob him a taunt, and then the chase would resume. Over and over again.
Preeeeetty sure this is your cue to change up your strategy, Hiro. ^^;
Eventually, they made it right back to the glade where they'd started. Mebh waited beneath the tree Hiro had marked with several gashes earlier. The Sneasel caught up, panting heavily while he leaned his weight on a tree stump. Fangs peeked through his grin, his blood coursing with adrenaline. He had to admit, the chase had proved more exciting than he expected. A brief lull settled amidst the breeze, the moon casting a soft light over the pair in their final standoff.
Mebh cooed and bobbed her head. Her big head with its squiggly face tempted Hiro like a cat's toy, provoking a low growl from him. He crouched, tensed his claws, and darted forward. Something happened then. A jet of white dust trailed after Hiro as he pushed his legs harder than he ever had earlier. In a fraction of a second, he closed the distance between himself and Mebh.
"Caught me," Mebh whispered right before they collided. Hiro tackled her down, and swept them both rolling and tumbling together along the ground. When they came to a stop, Hiro groaned and wheezed, his claws scraping against Mebh's costume. She hissed in his arms, though much to his relief, it was a soft and gentle sound.
"What… did I… do just now?" Hiro heaved between heavy breaths, his body still coursing with the weakening afterglow of his previous lunge.
"Played. Learned," Mebh answered with a quiet trill, "Had fun, Hiro?"
Mebh: "Also, pretty sure that was Quick Attack. But meh, couldn't see well before tumbling."
Hiro: "... Rats."
Hiro offered her a tired chuckle, his strength ebbing away further. After a long exhale, he said, "Yeah… I kind of did."
The full moon hung like a guiding light in the night sky, its glow engulfing the stars around it. Mebh looked up and gaped at the spectacle, staying fixed to her spot until Hiro's grasp weakened and his breathing steadied. He had fallen asleep at last. Mebh hummed a soft melody to herself, one echoing spirits of a distant memory. When the melody reached its final verse, she bundled Hiro up in her tendrils, then carried him back to their camp by following the trail of marks he'd left behind.
Cute. Especially with the embedded illustration of what exactly this moment looks like.
A bright glow spilled over Hiro, stirring him from his sleep. He groaned, rubbing his eyes as he sat up. He briefly wondered what was going on as the previous night's events replayed in his mind. Ah right, he'd humored Mebh's game of chase. But just at the end… he'd done something different. It felt new to him. How had he done tha—
A lustrous wheel careened from the heavens. Hiro squeaked and sprang to his feet in time to see the wheel crash into a floating platform in the far distance. He twitched his nose. Floating platforms? He dropped his jaw agape, eyes darting around as he realized his surroundings were totally unfamiliar. He had no idea where he was… Everywhere he looked in the sky, there were floating discs bearing ornate fractal patterns. Most looked at least ten times larger than the ground he laid on. The handful that were no bigger than his claws drifted like snow around him.
Ah right, we Dream World now. Though the Arceus sigil is a nice touch. Though I very, very much approve of this direction, since it's a bit of Pokémon lore that has basically gone ignored for the last 10 years or so.
One of them hovered atop Hiro's forehead, spinning afloat like a ballerina. He reached out for it, but halted and gasped when he could see the ground through his arm. Why did his body become see-through like a spirit's? Each movement he made left a trail of itty-bitty fractal discs like the ones he saw everywhere. As if his body needed to change again…
Hiro scratched his cheek, but the absence of even the slightest pinprick of pain convinced him that he was having some kind of dream. A vivid one, but a dream nonetheless. The realization brought on a sense of relief. At least he hadn't somehow sleepwalked into the 'Chasm Dungeon' Atlas told him about.
Filing that one away, though I could've sworn there were multiple damage-dealing moves that involved nightmares in Pokémon canon. Though at the very least, this is how normal dreams work in this story.
Hiro walked to the edge of the platform, getting on his knees to peek past it. Far below everything else spread a network of light. It resembled roots pulsing like a beating heart, and each tendril stretched far into the horizon and beyond to the pink cotton candy clouds. Just how far down were the roots? He flicked a pebble off the edge and watched it fall and fall before it became too small to be seen. That… looked like a long way down.
I... wanna see a doodle of this someday, since boy does that sound trippy.
He sighed. Could he even find a safe way to reach the other platforms? Perhaps he could jump and hope for the best? The closest one looked at most maybe seven times his body length away. Even if he failed, he didn't have to fear being hurt too much. It was a dream after all.
Hiro whipped around in time to catch the blur of a pinkish, wispy creature bouncing behind him. And then his foot slipped off the platform.
"Hey, wait! You're gonna fall, dummy!" the wispy creature called out, but it was already too late.
Hiro flailed his arms around in vain to try and grab onto anything. He even tried to scream, yet his words failed to materialize. The wispy creature watched from above, calling for him. Their voice rang in Hiro's ears like bells, and yet he could only plunge deeper and deeper. Finally—
Pinkish and wispy, huh? Can't tell if that was supposed to be a Slurpuff or something a lot more cosmically important. Though I doubt we've seen the last of this place. Will be keeping an eye out for visits in the future in this story.
"Whaa!" Hiro sprang up and smacked his face right into Mebh's head, earning a not-so-thrilled hiss from the Mimikyu. He rolled himself to the other side of the log before blurting out a quick apology.
Well, that's one way to ensure that everyone's up in the morning.
Mebh huffed and turned the other way, and then things began to wriggle inside her costume. "Wait. Almost ready."
Hiro stared at her for a moment. He felt his tail feathers squirm. It was just Mebh doing her Mebh things as usual. He sat cross-legged and sagged his shoulders. The events of his dream were still fresh on his mind. Who in the world was that?
Someone who will probably be important in the future, even if I had trouble telling myself from the description.
"You're finally awake, lad?" the Ampharos asked, sitting atop his cape with his legs crossed. Hiro nodded and idly scrapped his claw on the bark log.
"I had this really weird dream. It almost made me thing I got into a dungeon somehow. Everything about it felt so real," Hiro said, tilting his head at Atlas.
"That sounds like a lucid dream. What was it about? It might clue us in on your forgotten memories perhaps," Atlas speculated as he stroked his chin.
Hiro: "... Pretty sure that my memories don't involve this place full of pink mist and floating islands, buuuuut..." .-.
"I don't think it was a memory though, but..." Hiro explained the dream to Atlas, and the puzzling way it ended with him falling off a platform. Yet he noticed that part wasn't what brought a change in Atlas' expression, or was it the pink wispy creature that spooked him off the platform in the first place. The Ampharos had a fleeting frown when Hiro mentioned the glowing fractal disks and wheels he saw in the dream.
"That is an unusual dream. How intriguing. Restoring your memories might help us shed more light on it." Atlas fetched his journal and scratched a few things into it. "For now we should get on the move while there's still sunshine."
Right, you mentioned that you added this reaction post-publishing. I think that it's a nice touch, since it's a subtle hint that Atlas has an idea of what's going on with Hiro, even if he's obviously opted to keep things close to his chest.
Hiro quirked a brow, and that's when he noticed just how bright everywhere was. He shot his eyes towards the treetops, only to flinch when the sun threatened to blind him. "I overslept?! Why didn't you wake me up sooner?"
"For your own sake," Atlas said with a playful grin. "When you snuck off in the night, I asked Mebh to follow you just in case. But for her to challenge you to a joust under your circumstances…"
Hiro: "... Wait, so Pokémon actually do that for fun in this world?!"
Mebh: "... Yes? I told you this last night!"
Mebh paused from her snipping. "Hiro weak," she chimed in.
"Wh-Hey!" Hiro's cheeks flushed and he pinned his ears back. There she went, calling him weak again. Did she have to say it to his face a second time? His pride had enough holes in it already.
Mebh: "Feel better?"
Hiro: "Marginally. Would've been better if this whole 'weak' thing wasn't touched on at all, really." >_>;
Atlas laughed heartily. "Count yourself lucky. It hasn't been long since I taught her how to hold back in a fight." Atlas pulled his cape off the ground as he stood up and dusted it off. "Before I found her, she had garnered a bit of an… unfriendly reputation. Rumors had been spreading about a ragged specter confronting travelers on the road before beating them half to death."
Hiro: "I'm never going to be able to see Mebh in the same light again after this, am I?" ._.
Atlas: "Probably not, but we should get moving." ^^;
Before Hiro could ask what that meant, Mebh wiggled back and forth before spitting out a clump of teal-green fabric at his face. The Sneasel squeaked and snatched it out of the air before it draped over his face and… he squinted at the cloth hanging from his claw. To his surprise, it didn't have slobber dripping from its hem, nor any moisture at all for that matter. And to his relief, it didn't come from her stomach.
I'm not sure finding out where that came from would've made Hiro feel any better, really. ^^;
"Wow, this is what you've been making all along?" Hiro asked, delicately moving the cloth between his claws, his eyes carrying the excitement of a jewelry appraiser. The fabric was soft to the touch and sturdy enough that it slid off his claw tips without being pierced through. It made the scarf Atlas had lent him earlier look sad in comparison. The poor thing had snagged against Hiro's claws often enough to be riddled with holes and better resembled an old and used frayed rag by now. In spite of that, Hiro couldn't contain his giddiness.
Hiro: "And I'm not sure if I'll ever want to know. Moving along!"
Mebh crawled up beside him, and let him finish admiring her work before asking, "You like?"
Hiro nodded, ears bobbing up and down. "Yeah, it's pretty incredible…" Hiro's mind paused, and he glanced between the cloth in his claws and Mebh. His ears folded back slightly, sensing where things were headed. From Mebh's expectant gaze, and her not so much as reaching a tendril to retrieve it… No, he couldn't jump to conclusions. Instead, he asked, "Is it for—?"
"For Hiro!" Mebh finished for him, her voice chiming with a trill.
Mebh: "Really, it's been three chapters. Hiro needs to match story art already."
Hiro: "(... Is she supposed to be able to violate the fourth wall like that?)" .-.
Oh, so there it was. Another gift to receive, another debt he needed to repay in days and months to come. Just what did he do to deserve all this generosity? Hiro forced a smile and held the fabric to his chest.
"Thanks, Mebh," he said.
He draped the fabric over his shoulders and pulled the drawstrings taut around his neck. The makeshift poncho weighed heavy on him. "Why the sudden gift?" He couldn't help but ask.
Hiro: "... Could've been worse, honestly. (Though my original scarf doesn't look that bad, does it?)"
Atlas: "(It's... pretty ratty, Hiro.)" ^^;
Atlas pried Hiro from his thoughts when the glow of the Expedition Gadget spilled over his face.
"Come along young'uns, we should get moving. The best time to catch a dragon is by late noon," Atlas explained as he handed Hiro the gadget. Hiro was more than happy to resume contributing his navigation abilities. He could return their generosity that way, for the time being at least. At Atlas' beckon, Mebh leapt up and perched herself on the Ampharos' shoulder while Hiro walked ahead, trailing the blinking red light on the map.
Hiro: "Wait, why noon?"
Atlas: "Middle of the day when it's warmest? Dragons are primarily cold-blooded creatures, so it's best to catch 'em sometime after they've gotten a chance to get their blood flowing, really."
"Oh right, something happened last night too," Hiro remarked. He turned around and explained to Atlas the events of the previous night.
Atlas nodded after Hiro was done. "What you described sounds like the move Quick Attack," he explained. "Sneasel are well-known for being nimble. Master that move, it'll be a great asset for you in life."
Figured. Though it makes me curious now if move appearances are consistent across species in Weaversong or if certain moves look different when performed from across species to species.
Hiro's ears fluttered at the sound of that. Though he'd failed to tame ice like he planned originally, at least now he had assurance in knowing that even he had a chance at mastering this world's strange sorcery. He twitched his nose. 'Quick Attack' sounded a bit too silly and basic though. He'd have named it Speed Dash or something along those lines if it were up to him.
… On second thought, maybe not. That sounded even sillier.
Wait, 'Speed Dash'? Is that a reference to something? A quick search on Bulbapedia doesn't turn up any matches, but it's still pretty funny in context.
Far beyond the mountains, all the way in Lively Town, a café had just reached its closing hours. A cactus-like pokemon wiped the tables with a damp cloth, their gourd-sized ear extensions jiggling with every motion. His mangosteen-like coworker splayed languidly on a couch, her apron draped over her calyx that extended like pig-tails. She hummed a quiet tune while swinging her legs.
... Never thought of Tsareena as a mangosteen before this, but yeah. I can see it.
A third member walked to the counter, an adjustable stool creaking as a slender vine spun a knob on the side. The barkeep stood behind the counter, cleaning a cup with his scaly hands. When a green horn slowly poked into view, he couldn't help but grin. Two others, as sharp and pointy as the first, followed it. Then at last, the rose pokemon appeared in his full diminutive likeness.
Roselia plopped his flowers on the counter and let out a long sigh. "My petals feel like they're are going to wilt."
... Actually, what does happen if a Roselia's petals wilt in this setting anyways? .-.
Sceptile leaned his face on a palm and tapped on the counter. "Struggling to keep up with the new wave of customers?"
Roselia's cheeks flushed at that. He threw his flowers over his head, and shook them as if they were a pair of pompoms.
"If I'd known it'd get this popular, I wouldn't have ever brought up that stupid tea recipe." He sighed, lowering his roses to cushion his face on them. "It's not even that good. I don't get it…"
I mean, I could think of worse problems to have, really.
A glass cup slid over the counter, spurring Roselia to shoot a pair of vines to snag it. Any later and the glass would've slid right off and shattered on the ground. Steenee wouldn't like that. Roselia caught Sceptile grinning back at him, and he pouted in response.
"You shouldn't have, Sceptile," Roselia said with a forced smile, cupping the glassful of fresh water between his roses.
Sceptile chuckled. "It's on the house, by the way."
Roselia: "Wait, we seriously charge for fresh water to drink? Who on earth does that?"
Sceptile: "We do, since we don't exactly live in a modern setting where that's always easily accessible."
Roselia shook his head and heaved a weary sigh. If nothing else, the free drink would invigorate him ahead of his walk back home.
"Ever since we added your tea to our menu, this place's seen a lot more life and new faces arrive. You've been pulling your weight as much as everymon else too. So, don't sell your efforts short, Roselia," Sceptile said while replacing the cabinet stock. His voice carried a grim air for his next few words, "It's not a good way to live."
Roselia jerked his head at the other grass type, but Sceptile had his back turned to him, handling bottles of various wine and liquor of all colors and tastes. He hid his face behind his cup as he drank its contents. Even he had heard his fair share of gossip about Sceptile's past before. Something about him traveling with a Dragonair and Charmeleon pair… and things not ending well.
After a beat of silence, Sceptile turned around and flung a cloth under the counter. Then he said, "Did you hear? The ol' Wandering Thunder is coming back to town soon."
Roselia widened his eyes. "Gramps? Huh. It hasn't even been a month though."
... Somehow I completely forgot that these two know Atlas themselves, but it makes sense since he's gotten around quite a bit as the Dashing Wanderer.
"Apparently, he's been seen with a Sneasel and some… thing in rags." Sceptile shrugged. "You know how he is. He probably picked up some prospective recruits for the E.S."
Roselia: "Wait, the what now?"
Sceptile: "You know, Exploration Society? It's a common acroynym and cuts to the chase sooner, so..."
Roselia: "(Wait, did we ever establish that earlier in this story?)" .-.
Roselia stared at his drink vacantly. "That does sound like him." After downing the last drop, he kept the cup and drew a satisfied sigh. He stood up and hopped off the stool, landing on the ground with puffed cheeks.
He went for the door and opened it with little effort. Before leaving, Roselia waved at his coworkers. "Be seeing you guys tomorrow!"
It actually makes me wonder if we're going to see Not!Gaius more of this guy's coworkers in the future, since you put in a decent amount of characterization into them in just this one scene.
Roselia often followed the same routine on every trip to and from work. Even when the sun set, Lively Town hardly grew any less active with Pokémon out and about. Many of them were Delvers leaving on missions or exploring the streets for leisure. Because of course they would. The worst part of it all was having to wade through the crowded areas and constantly look over his shoulder to avoid being stepped on by a Nidoking or some other large Pokémon. They'd be the one to meet the pointy ends of his thorns if they tried, but Roselia would much prefer to avoid such an encounter altogether.
Nice minced oath there, though the chatter about new MDs popping up is certainly ominous. I'm guessing that that's something the gang's going to be running into headfirst on their own at some point in the future.
The pair walked past Roselia and before long, he couldn't eavesdrop their exchange anymore. Aberrant Dungeons… he prayed to Alma above that he'd never have to see another one again in his life.
If "Aberrant dungeons" is a classification again, you want the 'D' capitalized again. Though 'Alma' huh? So that's the name you decided to roll with for that figure. I like it, really.
Roselia cut through an alleyway, taking a little-known shortcut. When it opened back up the street, he was surprised to find a crowd of pokemon gathered around a perimeter. Cheers and screams sailed about, along with the flash of elements igniting the night air. A public joust. The two mon taking part would keep it up until one or the other got knocked out, and he didn't have the patience for that. He sighed in defeat and turned around to take the long way.
Roselia: "Sure hope they have Protect users standing around them, since boy is that going to rack up property damages quickly otherwise..."
Roselia soon reached a house at the top of a cliff overlooking the town's main river. It had been built to resemble a white rose in full bloom, with the windows and door cut into the outer petal and a chimney sprouting from the center. During full moons, Roselia would always spend at least a whole minute entranced by the way the moonlight gave the white petals an almost ethereal glow.
Roselia walked into the garden overlooking the porch. He plucked a few flowers on the way and cradled them in his own petals with a smile. The front door was at least three times his height, an artifact of how the house had been built with the previous owner in mind. He'd be a fit for it too if he ever evolved to a Roserade. Still, the knob was only a vine's length away. When he opened the door, a soothing, floral incense greeted him, and he stopped to take a deep breath. Lastly, he flicked a switch and the luminous orbs lit up one by one.
I take it that his parents didn't have kids when this thing was built? Since you'd think that if they did, that they'd include some sort of mechanism for their kids to be able to work the door easily as well.
With how tired he was, Roselia went straight for his bedroom upstairs. He placed the flowers on the cupboard, then took off his blue-green work apron. The apron found its place in the wardrobe right next to Roselia's colorful bows, sashes and even a dress he'd worn to attend a wedding once.
Roselia returned downstairs, bringing the flowers to a shrine altar cradled in more flowers he'd brought on previous nights. He cleared the older flowers aside and offered the new ones in their place. He sat before the shrine, clutching the old flowers to his chest and lifted his gaze. The altar held not a photograph nor a pot of ashes. Only a worn-out expedition badge, and a looplet with charred black edges.
"Work sure was busy today, Ma," Roselia said, sagging his shoulders as he sighed. "Gramps is coming back soon, according to Sceptile anyway. Maybe this time I'll finally ask if…" He cupped his flowers over his face. It all began with that strange dream, didn't it? In it he had faced against gods, and fought shoulder to shoulder with fierce allies. "It all felt so real. I started to feel that maybe I could do all those things too, but… that was all stupid, wasn't it? Maybe I should just go back to Ma Zahra. That would probably make her happy."
Roselia didn't get a response. Of course, there had been no one but him in the house. He got up with the old flowers and tucked them into one of the several flower pots and vases decorating his home. When he passed by the shrine again on his way upstairs, his eyes lingered on the badge. Its golden sheen called to him… if only he'd reach out and grab it. No. Roselia squirmed and looked away, then promptly went upstairs to his bedroom. Only fools were swept up by dreams.
Fools, and protagonists. So don't give up on those dreams too quickly there.
Alright, onto the recap:
I liked the chapter in general. It was a bit slow, but it helped establish a lot of little things about the way the setting worked that were fascinating to observe, and helped introduce a couple new faces that I'm sure we haven't seen the last of. I also thought that the chapter had some pretty good emotional range, some pretty funny comic relief moments here mixed in with serious and somber moments elsewhere. It's one of those things that is a bit of an art to master, but I thought you did a good job with it here.
As for things that I thought could've been done better. There aren't that many that aren't already a part of the writeup. If there was one complaint that I had, it's that it'd have been nice to get a firmer hint at what the future holds for Hiro and his group, but eh. It's a setup chapter, so I won't begrudge it that much. Especially when Hiro's canonically stated track will provide opportunities for him to brush up against Roselia there.
All in all, good work @Adamhuarts . Even if it took me quite a bit longer than planned, I'm glad that I got to this before your fourth chapter dropped, and I'll be looking forward to giving that a once-over. ^^
