The White Elephant in the Room Playground

[Fusion]

Appearing from Gen's shadow, Lee had a puzzled look on his face. "Nilam didn't..." Lee shook his head and exhaled, focusing himself again. "Squirt said it wasn't her. In terms of his death, Nilam is cleared."

He looked over Jesse's chalkboard, humming thoughtfully. "That doesn't leave us many options, but Mia is our prime suspect in this." Lee glared at the televisions and snarled. "Be in denial all you want but Squirt is dead."

"If I were to guess how he went out, Mia did him in during the first night. Assuming he really was as strong as the committee thinks he is, he'd be the perfect first target."

 

[Tanuki]

Prophet	Steve Jobs	Romulus	Ishmael	Odysseus
Suspect	Rotom Nilam

 

[Tanuki]

Appearing from Gen's shadow, Lee had a puzzled look on his face. "Nilam didn't..." Lee shook his head and exhaled, focusing himself again. "Squirt said it wasn't her. In terms of his death, Nilam is cleared."

He looked over Jesse's chalkboard, humming thoughtfully. "That doesn't leave us many options, but Mia is our prime suspect in this." Lee glared at the televisions and snarled. "Be in denial all you want but Squirt is dead."

"If I were to guess how he went out, Mia did him in during the first night. Assuming he really was as strong as the committee thinks he is, he'd be the perfect first target."

“Error. Scyther Morph Mia is not present. A trial cannot continue without the defendant present as per article four section three-hundred and forty-three of the Multiverse Judicial Code of Conduct. Because of this, as well as the farcical claim that Squirt is no longer alive, the testimony is false, and its giver will be punished. Please provide a plausible scenario.”

As promised, a shock coursed through Lee for twenty seconds. It once again seemed unaffected by Lee’s typing.

 

[IFBench]

“We would like to assure you all that Squirt is certainly still living. Any claims of his death, if well meaning, are simply implausible. He was our best trained child soldier and proved himself to be far stronger than any of you, and even all of you. Please take solace in the fact Squirt is not and cannot be dead. If The Committee’s actions endangered a child, the lawsuits could end us.

“We understand your concern, but please know that multivariate analysis suggests the only possibility is kidnapping. Death is beyond the scope of probability, so take comfort in that.”

Gen considered the words that were spoken.

Maybe...maybe they're right. Maybe anyone who opens their present early is just taken away for a while and not actually killed.

...I really hope that's what actually happened.

And Nilam, the one everyone had suspicions of, was already chosen...who else could he choose?

Maybe...

Gen glanced over towards Nickit. They hadn't said a word, at least nor while he was around. Nobody knew anything about them. They'd been flying under the radar for the most part.

...maybe it's Nickit.

 

[Fusion]

Lee growled and hissed, but shook the electricity off. His fur stood on end, making him look floofier than usual. "The hell do you mean we can't use her, she's fucking dead because she was a murderer! Who else could have done it other than her and whoever her partner is, WHO WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO IT COULD BE?!" Lee barked.

 

[Tanuki]

Lee growled and hissed, but shook the electricity off. His fur stood on end, making him look floofier than usual. "The hell do you mean we can't use her, she's fucking dead because she was a murderer! Who else could have done it other than her and whoever her partner is, WHO WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO IT COULD BE?!" Lee barked.

“Perhaps there is a misunderstanding, Romulus. You see, murder is illegal, so the implication that any amongst you are murderers is simply impossible. Barring, of course, they who killed Santa. Besides them, no murders can have happened because they are illegal.”

 

[IFBench]

...wait, they had CHILD SOLDIERS?!

 

[Fusion]

“Perhaps there is a misunderstanding, Romulus. You see, murder is illegal, so the implication that any amongst you are murderers is simply impossible. Barring, of course, they who killed Santa. Besides them, no murders can have happened because they are illegal.”

Something popped in Lee's head. Probably a blood vessel, the last one he had. He was saving that for a special occasion! "Then please, Sir Dumbfuck of the Shitbrained Committee, tell us where they are?" he growled, tapping his foot impatiently on the floor. "Oh, that's right, you don't have a goddamn clue!!! Because they are fucking DEAD!!!"

 

[Tanuki]

The committee remained silent.

 

[Fusion]

Lee whipped his hair to the side and huffed. "That's what I thought."

 

[Tanuki]

Twenty-Thousand volts coursed through Romulus.

 

[Fusion]

Lee stood firm with charred black fur, coughin up a bit of smoke. "Joke's on you I get shocked on a daily fucking basis back home," he sneered. Then fell face first.

"Just so you know, I'm tired, you didn't do jack shit."

 

[IFBench]

...maybe if I'm not as harsh as Lee was, I can reason with them?

"U-uh, kidnapping is illegal too," Gen started. "And whoever did this seemingly has done that."

 

[Tanuki]

The iPod opened up to a wikipedia page titled “False Dichotomies”.

 

[Fusion]

Lee sat his up, coughing up another puff of smoke. "I'm done with this shit. If you committee pricks want to believe that we aren't dealing with murderers, when we came here originally to solve a murder, then you won't be getting any help from me." He crossed his arms. "I refuse to give a witness statement to a murder I did not witness, when you won't even let me accuse the most likely suspect, because she's fucking DEAD."

 

[Shiny Phantump]

"So..." Abigial sighed. "Let's get this straight."

We would like to assure you all that Squirt is certainly still living. Any claims of his death, if well meaning, are simply implausible. He was our best trained child soldier and proved himself to be far stronger than any of you, and even all of you. Please take solace in the fact Squirt is not and cannot be dead.

"So, Squirt can't be dead because he's a trained soldier, and he's a child." She laughed humourlessly. "Both die. Get used to it. In fact, both are more prone to dying than average. It comes with the territory. I don't care how much you trained him, I know trained soldiers die in this level of cosmic bullshit. You can't 'train' for this, it defies all understanding."

If The Committee’s actions endangered a child, the lawsuits could end us.

"And, during all this, you're worried about lawsuits? Good fucking riddance. If a lawsuit can end you, I'm all for it." Of course, Abigail knew no lawsuit would actually end this. Nihilego don't respond to court summons.

Error. Scyther Morph Mia is not present. A trial cannot continue without the defendant present as per article four section three-hundred and forty-three of the Multiverse Judicial Code of Conduct.

"Furthermore, of all the people we can accuse, we can't accuse the person we know is guilty? The fuck kind of legal system is this?"

She paused for a moment. "Oh. I see how it is. You don't care about finding a guilty party, do you? You need someone to set up as your legal scapegoat so that you don't get fucked by the consequences of your own fucking disaster."

Perhaps there is a misunderstanding, Romulus. You see, murder is illegal, so the implication that any amongst you are murderers is simply impossible. Barring, of course, they who killed Santa. Besides them, no murders can have happened because they are illegal.

"Oh, and you'd like to reassure us that there are no murders if we ignore the murderers. Thanks. Real fucking reassuring, that is." Abigail was burning with rage. This may not really be real, but she couldn't help herself. This was infuriating. "I'd like to reassure us that there's no fuckwits on the counsel if you ignore all fuckwits, but then there wouldn't be a counsel at all, because we'd be ignoring all of you!"

 

[Tanuki]

“Please note that refusal to give testimony will implicate you in the conspiracy.”

 

[Fusion]

"I gave you my fucking testimony, and got shocked for it!" Lee barked. "How the literal FUCK are you so much of brainless twit, and in charge of any committee? With the intellect you've shown, I'm surprised you're not actually in charge of toddlers! No, actually, I'd be scared for those toddlers safety! The second one of them runs off, instead of taking responsibility you'll just accuse the others of kidnapping them, and force them to give a testimony about shit they don't FUCKING know, and when they get something wrong you'll just SHOCK THEM TO DEATH!"

"And I bet you wouldn't even admit to it either, because 'murder is illegal' or some bullshit!" Lee threw his hands up. "Since you're so sure he's alive, how about you come down here yourself and find Squirt yourself?!"

 

[IFBench]

What can I say? I can't reason to them, so I can only go along with what they want...I can't go for Nilam, who everyone thinks it is...I think the only other options might be Nocitalin and Nickit, but I might get shocked if I accuse another "prophet"... and I can't think of what to say about Nickit.

What should I do?

Gen shuddered.

 

[Persephone]

[Alarm: UnitDesignate_Lee Could Be Indicted For Conspiracy;
Conspiracy Is Illegal.]