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Pokémon The kalosian journeys

Chapter 11 (teaser) New

kingvoid

The king the void
Location
The way of the void
Pronouns
he/him
I hid the teaser under the spoiler tag so y'all don't want some spoilers y'all can not open it
Chapter 11 :Anomaly 246? (teaser)
As the Obsidian Heroes move toward a shed Clemont had in route 12
The air there felt heavy Clemont was feeling tense and angry at AZ. The air was showing Clemont's rage just by looking at him Ash felt that the friend and scientist he knew was gone and replaced by a vengeance that would never stop
Clemont takes a out a laptop and puts the drive in to see tons of files nothing significant just signs and laws that were upholded were seen documented. Clemont said "Nothing significant to our case here..." Goh spotted a folder labeled 'Anomalies'
End of Teaser
 
Last edited:
Chapter 11 New

kingvoid

The king the void
Location
The way of the void
Pronouns
he/him
Chapter 11 :Anomaly 246?
As the Obsidian Heroes move toward a shed Clemont had in route 12
The air there felt heavy Clemont was feeling tense and angry at AZ. The air was showing Clemont's rage just by looking at him Ash felt that the friend and scientist he knew was gone and replaced by a vengeance that would never stop
Clemont takes a out a laptop and puts the drive in to see tons of files nothing significant just signs and laws that were upholded were seen documented. Clemont said "Nothing significant to our case here..." Goh spotted a folder labeled 'Anomalies' he pointed out "Clemont look at that folder" Clemont opened them to see 3 folders 'Anomaly 246' 'Anomaly 1' and finally 'Anomaly 15000' he checked 'Anomaly 15000' first to see a full text document that documented Ash's sinister incident here but Clemont immediately closed it then he opened 'Anomaly 1' to see it recorded Goh's murder of Cerise and his battle bond with Cinderace. Clemont also closed it and opened Anomaly 246 to see All the information on AZ. Clemont said "YES! finally we found it!"
Authors note :- things with ( ) are what is said in the document
(Anomaly 246 better known as AZ is a very dangerous threat if he escapes Zygarde's seal)
(The first page also contained the blueprints to the ultimate weapon)
Clemont said calmly "Well Ash according to these blueprints here you successfully have destroyed the weapon" he continued "I can see the location of his secret underground base of activites under LUMIOSE CITY GYM?!?!?!?!?!?!??"
Clemont finally said "Let's move Ash you distract him while i control the area with the access key i made for anything in lumiose city"
'The Obsidian Heroes now head for lumiose city to fight AZ. Will they able to overpower him?'
 

Axihdio

Script fics are my thing.
Pronouns
He/Him
Hey Kingvoid, I've read up until chapter 4 and here's my review on chapters 1 to 4.

In my opinion ,Chapter 1 was way too short and it didn't give a proper introduction to anyone besides maybe a half intro for Ash. I understand wanting to get the chapters out as soon as possible to keep readers interested but you also need to balance speed with quality and that's a capability that I think you might be lacking. Taking your time when writing your fic can do wonders for your writing because you're not under a deadline. Another thing that would help you is getting someone to be a beta reader for you so they could help you identify grammatical errors and sometimes continuity errors which will help your fic look more professional .

Moving on to Chapter 2, would you mind explaining the corrupted vines? Where did they come from and who or what caused them to appear? Ash getting Greninja to create a new move out of nothing was pretty cool but Goh and Cinderace got completely jobbed in this chapter. I get wanting to show how powerful Ash is compared to most trainers but Goh and Cinderace were just absolutely useless here. In my opinion, you could have had them fight the other corrupted vines while Ash and Greninja fought the Mother Vine.

Chapter 3 was the part that the Ash and Serena fans made a TR account for. Even though I have never watched an episode of Pokemon XYZ, the Internet taught me that people would kill to see Ash and Serena together. I don't really have much to say on this chapter though because I personally didn't grow up with this kind of stuff but it was a nice break from the mayhem of chapters 1 and 2.

Chapter 4. Well, I didn't expect AZ to be like Spawn but villainous AZ is a first for me. I haven't seen anyone portray him as a villain within these fics before. (This is my first time reading about AZ in a fic ever.)

Overall, I can tell that some crazy shit's about to go down in the later chapters but for now I'm out.
 
reply New

kingvoid

The king the void
Location
The way of the void
Pronouns
he/him
Hey Kingvoid, I've read up until chapter 4 and here's my review on chapters 1 to 4.
I've hidden my answers behind a spoiler tag click to expand
Ok so yea you have a lot of confusion and i know this is completely normal
In my opinion ,Chapter 1 was way too short and it didn't give a proper introduction to anyone besides maybe a half intro for Ash. I understand wanting to get the chapters out as soon as possible to keep readers interested but you also need to balance speed with quality and that's a capability that I think you might be lacking. Taking your time when writing your fic can do wonders for your writing because you're not under a deadline. Another thing that would help you is getting someone to be a beta reader for you so they could help you identify grammatical errors and sometimes continuity errors which will help your fic look more professional .
Your right in the short part but you should've read the introduction so you could a few nice points here and of course i'm totally fine
and i will keep one. So lets move forward :okgon:
Moving on to Chapter 2, would you mind explaining the corrupted vines? Where did they come from and who or what caused them to appear? Ash getting Greninja to create a new move out of nothing was pretty cool but Goh and Cinderace got completely jobbed in this chapter. I get wanting to show how powerful Ash is compared to most trainers but Goh and Cinderace were just absolutely useless here. In my opinion, you could have had them fight the other corrupted vines while Ash and Greninja fought the Mother Vine.
Well this chapter was made to symbolize Ash and Greninja's power and not just build upon the world. So you haven't watched XYZ yeah that's a major part of the story i recommend you do so you don't get lost in the plot thread and I did wanna make Goh and Cinderace feel useless here cause they tried to attack the vine but the it was absorbed into kinetic energy. And further on the journeys episode 108 you could see normal attacks like lucario's aura sphere didn't work you would've got more clarity instead of confusion so Ash had to come up with a new move just to fight it. And the vines they are connected with XYZ's team flare arc after Ash was robbed in kalos league. 😡
Chapter 3 was the part that the Ash and Serena fans made a TR account for. Even though I have never watched an episode of Pokemon XYZ, the Internet taught me that people would kill to see Ash and Serena together. I don't really have much to say on this chapter though because I personally didn't grow up with this kind of stuff but it was a nice break from the mayhem of chapters 1 and 2.
Yea your right i actually wanted to make the fans feel like they got the scene they deserved 8.5 will continue on this set of romance after something dark happens in 8 💘
Chapter 4. Well, I didn't expect AZ to be like Spawn but villainous AZ is a first for me. I haven't seen anyone portray him as a villain within these fics before. (This is my first time reading about AZ in a fic ever.)
This was a hard decision for me to make i wrote that villains wouldn't be like your normal giovanni and i also said that a king from XYZ would return so i actually killed 2 birds in one. :LOL:
Overall, I can tell that some crazy shit's about to go down in the later chapters but for now I'm out.
Your right about crazy shit for real so like Chapter 8 ooo damn your gonna be shocked. :quag:
Well that's all from me
hope you have a good day :smile:
 
Chapter 12 (teaser) New

kingvoid

The king the void
Location
The way of the void
Pronouns
he/him
So yea here is the chapter 12 teaser hope y'all like it read it pretty quick in about an hour i'm uploading full chapter 12
Chapter 12 : The Siege of The Obsidian Heroes (teaser)
Now The Obsidian Heroes now move towards Prism Tower

Clemont says "I think i know where he is hiding." he continues "There was a door the league told me specifically to never even dare to open it and think that's where AZ is hiding"
Now they reach Prism Tower to find the exact door open in the ground floor. They go down to find AZ trying to heal Eternal Flower Floette to fuse her with the Ange of Prism Tower , as AZ finally heals it Ash and Goh burst in Ash says sinisterly "AZ how you doing bud? feeling good after my 'bite'?" AZ turns his happy expression to shocked and replied "Damn you kids , always meddling with my plans. Ash then replies again even more sinisterly "You won't live to see your plan start" AZ sends out Houndoom then Ash sends out Greninja and Goh sends out Suicune. AZ then says "Oh the sidekick brought a another pokemon? [Insert Crazy laugh here]" Ash says sinisterly "Oh he turned to the so called sidekick you'll see why that's wrong" Ash battle bonds with greninja but Goh says "Ash i won't need battle bond for this my bhz is high enough to play with our prey" Ash says crazily "Shall we begin?"
End of teaser
 
Chapter 12 New

kingvoid

The king the void
Location
The way of the void
Pronouns
he/him
Chapter 12 : The Siege of The Obsidian Heroes
Now The Obsidian Heroes now move towards Prism Tower. Clemont says "I think i know where he is hiding." he continues "There was a door the league told me specifically to never even dare to open it and think that's where AZ is hiding" Now they reach Prism Tower to find the exact door open in the ground floor. They go down to find AZ trying to heal Eternal Flower Floette to fuse her with the Ange of Prism Tower , as AZ finally heals it Ash and Goh burst in. Ash says sinisterly "AZ how you doing bud? feeling good after my 'bite'?" AZ turns his happy expression to shocked and replied "Damn you kids , always meddling with my plans. Ash then replies again even more sinisterly "You won't live to see your plan start" AZ sends out Houndoom then Ash sends out Greninja and Goh sends out Suicune. AZ then says "Oh the sidekick brought a another pokemon? [Insert Crazy laugh here]" Ash says sinisterly "Oh he turned to the so called sidekick you'll see why that's wrong" Ash battle bonds with greninja but Goh says "Ash i won't need battle bond for this my bhz is high enough to play with our prey" Ash says crazily "Shall we begin?" Ash calls out "PokeDomain: Open!" he continues "NINJA'S ULTIMATE VOID!" he opens a domain this time stronger than AZ could ever have seen. AZ says maniacally "A trainer with 2 domains [insert maniac laughing] interesting your fire , your desire" he continued "powerful indeed but not enough" Ash replied sinisterly "Oh but it is AZ , how wouldn't it be?" Goh says telepathically to Suicune "Suicune when i say use water blast charge a powerful ball made of water and fire it just when it get big enough with full power and speed" Ash was keeping AZ busy by hitting him with water shurikens and water impacts now Goh had the perfect chance to shock AZ and finish off Houndoom before he could AZ threw a smoke bomb tried to escape but realized the door was shut from the outside he said "No it can't be" "But it can be" Announced Clemont from the speakers , he continued "let's see your total agony , just like how you agonized my family" AZ screamed "NO! NO! YOU CAN'T" Ash said sinisterly "Heard that AZ it's a full cage match now [insert crazy laughing]" AZ said terrified "NO NO NO WAIT WAIT WAIT YOU CAN'T KILL ME YOU'LL GO TO JAIL" Ash mocked AZ with a sinister tone "Why would i let you go? plus how would we go to jail? we are already a vigilante squad we won't be charged for anything [laughs at AZ ,the laugh gets louder and louder every second]" Goh whispers to Suicune "Quick Suicune use water blast and finish Houndoom" Suicune starts charging it gets big AZ looks at it, it was too late Houndoom fainted and AZ was wetter than the ocean had water. Ash said coldly "OMAE WA MOU SHINDEIRU!" Ash yelled sinisterly now "Greninja , blow the Ange..." Greninja used Ice impact to blow the Ange effectively ruining AZ's plan , Now Clemont's heliolisk creept from behind of AZ and Clemont announced "HELIOLISK! USE THUNDERBOLT DIRECTLY ON AZ!" this effectively put the final nail in AZ's coffin.
TO BE CONTINUED
THE END OF CHAPTER 12"
 

Tango

Mascot of the Doduo Alliance
Location
beyond the Nexus
Pronouns
He/him
Partners
  1. doduo
Alright, king. I'm back for the next review I mentioned!

This time my goal will be to provide the best example of a good review as I can for you. Take special note of it! :cool:

One thing I want to point out: I am only focusing on positive reactions and theories here. I'm not looking for spelling/grammar errors and am not looking for ways to provide editing suggestions to improve prose. I'm also not looking to find fault with characters, events, or general plot. A review does not need concrit for it to be enjoyable. Also, reviews of pure concrit feel bad. The best way to increase the value of your reviews is to do long and positive reviews. As long and as genuinely positive as you can.

Review word count starting from below this point (yes, I counted by putting my words in a word document to count them this word count does NOT include the words from your chapter, ONLY the words in my review of it!): 1,080 words

Chapter 2: Freeing Kalos
Freeing Kalos? This suggests Kalos is not free. If it is not free, that means there is something that took freedom away. Something that can be opposed. But where is this oppression coming from, I wonder? :eyes:

Since the fic is "The kalosian journeys", one can assume that the entirety of this fic takes place in Kalos. The chapter title suggests that Kalos will be freed, but it can also be interpreted as the problem that Ash will take the rest of this fic to solve. This chapter presents the problem rather than the outcome. That is what I've surmised from your chapter title.

Now on to the line-by-line!

Ash and Goh finally reach lumiose airport where they are greeted by Clemont and Bonnie
Companions are important. In the anime, Ash rarely traveled alone. :eyes:

The air felt fresh and alive Ash relived his first time landing in Kalos with Alexa
Memories. Helps to establish that Ash is no stranger to Kalos and showcases his experience.

Ash "Hey Bonnie how have you been?"
This greeting seems casual. It suggests that Ash hasn't gone too long since the last time he saw Bonnie.

Bonnie: "Ash! Clemont says i'll get my first pokemon today!"
Ooo! An important first step for a trainer! :eyes:

Ash: "Woah Bonnie really which one?"
Bonnie: "Ash you know which one its obviously dedenne"
This establishes how close Bonnie is with Ash. :veelove:

Ash "Oh yea where is it anyways?"
Bonnie "Hmph its sleeping."
Ah, Bonnie seems like she is a little spoiled. Acting a bit like a little princess! :mewlulz:

Clemont "Bonnie come on let's go"
Ash and the gang go to the Lumiose woods , where Greninja spends his time defending Kalos from team Flare's corrupted vines
Oh! So there is an ongoing threat to Kalos by Flare's vines and Greninja is part of the defense! :eyes:

But Kalos is an entire region. This threat reads like it is a wide-spread regional threat rather than specific to a single patch of woods! If it is a regional threat, it means Greninja likely cannot defend all of Kalos on its own. But for it to still be defending anyway, that suggests that there is still something worth defending! And if there is still something worth defending, it means Flare has not succeeded in their plans yet. If it is a regional crisis, it means there are others helping to defend Kalos too. I wonder who the other defenders are? :eyes:

The air was dusty and corrupted Ash was very excited to see Greninja again!
This suggests that Ash has gone a while without seeing Greninja. It means that he probably had to part ways for a time because the threat from Flare was so severe. Ash probably worried about Greninja out there on its own holding back the forces of darkness. This makes Geninja look immensely cool. The lone warrior fighting off the forces of evil in a perpetual battle. :cool:

Ash suddenly feels a familiar feeling like the Kalos league again
The Kalos league... I get the feeling this will be important to the plot. :eyes:

Cerise was just screaming "Ash, this isn't possible your bond hertz is rising above the normal level! GIVE IT TO ME"
Oh? This suggests Cerise is being compelled by something. It reminds me of Boramir trying to take the one ring from Frodo in The Lord of The Rings!

RzkEbc.gif


Ash ignores Cerise's weird behavior and whispers to Goh "Please act like your range is cutting out he is annoying me"
And yet, Ash doesn't take Cerise seriously. Ah, I think this is regarding a phone call! That would make sense! :okgon:

Goh cuts Cerise video call acting like his range was cutting out
Nailed it. :cool:

Ash feels the feeling getting stronger he can feel Greninja
Most likely this is referring to 'sync' :eyes:

Out of nowhere a big vine radiating a energy that other Corrupted vines radiated but this one was one of the biggest he sensed in the forest
I wonder if the vines are reacting to the sync or if they are reacting to something else? Or maybe they just got unlucky and a big attack is now imminent? :wowzard:

This was the Mother Vine this vine is the root of all Corrupted Vines if Ash defeated it the terror the vines caused would end
Sounds like he got extraordinarily lucky to encounter it, then! No-doubt he needs to end this here and NOW!!! :letsgorb:

Goh "Ash i got this Cinderace will beat it to a pulp."
Oh. So I guess this isn't the world-ending legendary boss I thought it was. :unquag:

Ash "Goh you already don't need to i can defeat it no prob!"
They are arguing over who gets to fight it! :mewlulz:

I imagine the mother vine is like this:

"H-hey guys... I'm right here, you know! I'm big and scary, and you better take me seriously because I'm going to do some really bad things! Like really bad! So you should be like afraid and stuff! ...please? You have no idea what it's like hanging around in this forest for months waiting for Ash to show up... I finally made my big reveal and this is what I get?! You know what? FINE. YOU WIN! I HATE THIS CRUMMY JOB ANYWAY! In fact, I'm going to go attack Flare RIGHT NOW! They made me exist just to humiliate me!!!"

*Mother vine storms off to go attack Flare* :mewlulz:

Goh "*laughing* how are going to defeat that with a pikachu *laughing harder*"
Goh, have you SEEN what Pikachu can do? 😅

Ash "Oh i won't be using pikachu ... Greninja lets go"
And here is where Geninja gets its cool debut! :eyes:

Suddenly Greninja appears from the trees ready to fight
Greninja "Nin-ja!"
Goh "*Laughing even harder* you're gonna beat a grass type with a water type *still laughing*"
You mean the water type that has been single-handedly defending this forest from who know how many smaller vines for who knows how long ALONE? Goh doesn't seem very good at recognizing Ash's battle potential. I'm guessing we are about to get a demonstration. And something tells me we WON'T need a 100% sync for the point to be made. 😎

Clemont "Don't underestimate Ash even if he has the type disadvantage he can still turn the tides"
That's right. Because Ash is a battle-genius BEAST with a 200 battle IQ! :wowzard:

Ash "Come on Greninja use Ice Beam!"
Oh that will DEFINITELY do it! :eyes:

Greninja uses a ice beam dealing a little damage not that much but enough to show he has a weakness
Oh! So perhaps this vine is more serious than expected? :eyes:

Goh brings out Cinderace
Goh "Cinderace use Pyro-Ball!"

A super effective move but the Mother Vine absorbs the kinetic energy from it Goh is shocked and suprised it did nothing!
Oh wow. That seems like a BIG problem if it can shrug off SUPER EFFECTIVE attacks!! :wowzard:

Ash uses his insane battle IQ to invent a new move
Invents a new move mid-battle. What did I tell you folks? Battle-genious BEAST! 😎

Ash immediately bonds with Greninja and ready to fight
A sync, it seems! :eyes:

Ash "Greninja use Ice Impact!"
Greninja "Nin-Ja
Goh "Ash that's not even a move!?!?!"
It is now, Goh. 😎

Even if it wasn't a move Ash's sheer B hrtz (bond hertz) was so powerful that he signaled telepathically that "condense a ball of water into your hand and just as you hit the Vine Freeze it into Ice"
Ooo! This will be good! :eyes:

Now The Mother Vine was frozen solid with sheer power of Ice Impact
And massive cool points are awarded both to Ash and to Greninja. 😎

Clemont "Ash you really used your bond with Greninja to improvise a new move! that's Genius!"
It sure is, Clemont. You jealous? :cool:

Now the finishing blow was required to finish it off!
Ash "Greninja! , use Aerial Ace!"
Not a particularly powerful move but it IS super effective and the vine has likely been sufficiently weakened. :okgon:

This shatters the ice and ends The Mother Vine's Corruption
I feel like Ash probably turned around as he gave the Arial Ace command. Closing his eyes and walking away with his hands in his pockets as Greninja finished off it's foe. The shattering of it a backdrop to Ash walking towards the camera.

best-walking-away-from-explosion-movie-moments


The air was eerie and dark now shifted to a happy and pleasant atmosphere.
The corruption fades now that the source has been eliminated.

Serena was just practicing for her next performance in the Lumiose woods and heard the clash
Great to see her getting introduced early. Especially with the sneak-peak you gave me of her for later! :eyes:

Serena "Pangoro Follow me!"
Serena rushes to the area where she heard the Impact
She knew greninja was here and knew that she would hear some clashes but she didn't expect one this powerful!
Since she knew Greninja was there, she likely knew what Greninja was doing. The fact that she didn't think to help Greninja shows that she has faith in Greninja's abilities. Yet another way to imply how awesome Greninja is. :okgon:

She reached and saw a crater with smoke coming out the dust clears out and she sees ash
Ash "Serena! Long time no see!"
Gone without seeing her for a long time? Reunions are some seriously sweet moments. :eyes:

Serena "I always missed you Ash so great to see you again and greninja such a big clash didn't except that"
Always missed? Ash, my boy. This chick totally digs you. It's time to stop being a little boy and be a man! :cool:

Ash "Missed you too!:
Greninja "Ninja!"
There you go, Ash. I'm glad to see him not be a complete idiot when it comes to girls for a change.

They head to a hotel to rest.
Ash and Serena in a hotel together? Sounds like a recipe for some potential romance to spark! :eyes:

The End of this chapter

Closing thoughts:
You did a lot with this chapter. We got to see how cool Greninja is and and example of sync and Ash's battle prowess in your fic. We got to see him reunited with Serena too. As for the chapter title, I'm not totally sure how it plays into this, and I feel like Flare was only just getting started with that vine. This sets up nicely for future chapters. :okgon:

So, yeah. How about THAT for a review? :cool:
 
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