Pokémon TCG2: Doduo Adventures - Book One: TCG Island

[Tango]

I returned. Now I shall comment on the second chapter. Review, go!

Awesome!

Spoiler: Review for Chapter 2

Track 12 – I see you have a soft spot for A majors. Also a fit for the [traveling montage]. Only concern goes for the music tempo.
The way it is, it expresses a feeling of [being pumped up], contrasting MC’s balanced narration.

SO true! I'm glad you are there to call me out on my occasional less than stellar track selection! I've swapped it for a more fitting one.

You have already fixed it.

was one of only two curious bodies

Tell that to Ash Ketchum.

Ironically, MC used to wear a bandanna in his youth...

Track 13 – nothing too revolutionary here. I leave no comment.

Fair.

We are off to a great start for the water club. What an alluring description!
shoutout for reminding me of misty’s sisters

Yes, but these ones are far more nefarious...

I do it all the time, not just with girls. Even with people I have known for years. So no worries.

MC is usually very good at that sort of thing, so getting it wrong bugs him a lot.

Track 14 – a messy rhythm for this messy moment. What a musical flirt for me!

Sounds like I nailed it on that one!

I go away and sue them for harassment. Period.

Yeah, but MC is too nice to do that to them even if they deserve it.

Me picking up on a small mistake because I haven’t seen major ones, yet.

I ponder, wooould sooomeoone doooo this with the letteerrs in a diiary? I did not regret my thought.

Perhaps not, but it makes it more amusing, so I am keeping it.

Again, is this typical stuff for a diary? MC’s got that sense of anticipation in his writing!
just like the book author

Its typical for this guy, yeah!

Now mentioning the illustrations. Cute.

It turns out there is a lot of charm one can add just by using official pixel art from the game. Glad you are enjoying it! I've put a ton of effort into the various images and barely anyone else comments on them! (I think they all get spoiled from them being there and don't realize how much they would miss them if I wrote a chapter with none in it lol...)

Track 15 – a C major that mixes anticipation with humor. Interesting choice.

I come up with some unique tracks to use as I go.

Worry not, Joshua. Those girls are yet to cover their toilets in yellow juice.

I would say something about this, but considering the chapter title, I don't think I have much room to talk lol...

Note: if you were using the commas to represent pauses in speech, a better fit would be “you to duel… Mister Gentleman here”.

Correction, the foolish fool. For not filing a complaint against the girls, and for being easily influenced by [flirting girls]. I am definitively not on his side here.

He does bring it partially on himself.

Track 16 – an F major to give that feeling of peace, after those [messy scenes]. While short, this theme brings the reader back into the Pokémon atmosphere.

Maintaining a Pokemon atmosphere is something I usually like to do. I will deviate from it when I have some especially fitting tracks to utilize, though.

Track 16.5 – a mix of D major melody with battle beats. Great for the upcoming battle.
this track reminds me of a game with a very touching story. i genuinely cried

Aww. I hope the callback for you was a pleasant one, even if bittersweet.

Glad you like the track, though!

Caught one! “what I was planning, even though”

Classic case of opponents never taking into account MC’s strategy. Am I seeing a pattern to those NPCs?

Indeed you are! Congratulations. You have stumbled upon a plot thread hinted at in the tutoring session with Billy. This will be something that gets explored more in the fic series.

At least, Amanda’s turns are more detailed than [the grass tomb] from earlier. A more fitting challenge for our champion.
i regret writing that last line

This is a case where I'm not quite sure what you mean. Why would you call the Grass Club a grass tomb? I feel like there is a joke in there and it's just flying right over my head...

Guilt trip as a tactic?! GET OUT!

There is no tactic these girls will not stoop to!

Illustrations! While repetitive, these convey the scenes quite well. Not much to add, here.

They can be a bit repetitive at times but they do seem to make it a bit more like a visual novel. If you see any segments where the repetition is especially jarring, feel free to point them out. It might be a while until you find a chapter where they are noticeable enough to point out, though.

apo-💥
the apostrophe thingy

YEEAH! I’m rooting for you!

Now, seriously. Get over it, Mr Champion. These women are not worth your attention anymore. Finish the battle, then leave.
and sue them in your way out

Nah, he is too nice to think about suing them. Even when starving for money. Besides, depending on how his life goes, these girls may be his only options for romantic relationships...

Track 17 – the first time a theme happens inside the plot. Also, the suspense effect is excellent for the scenes.

I mean, I pretty much had to do it here, right?

Caught one! “an amusement park. Except that his suit”

The one duel I actually wanted to read the full context. Or perhaps more details to cover how “Snorlax was a fearsome foe”.

Ok, I went back and expanded the details some. Thanks!

Caught one! “his way out, picking up the”

What a mundane exit for an NPC, compared to the importance the narration gives him. As seen in

Might be worth adding more relevance to his presence.

Hes kind of like that in the game. You enter an area he is in? The normal music is replaced with his own. Once you play him in a duel he leaves and the music returns to normal.

Track 18 – surely, the chosen track had to contain the word “bird”. Regardless, the melody matches the [relaxing with anxiety] montage our MC goes through.

Bird maaay have had something to do with it, perhaps...

Glad you find it fitting!

By the way, great moment to resurface MC’s life routine and goals. Well done.

Thanks! I try to add detail of that sort when I think of it.

Um.

“fearsome” and “weakest” do not align.

Aside from that, the contextualization about Imakuni?! does a fair job at informing TCG outsiders. Much appreciated.
i still suggest adding more context to the character

You're right! I was thinking about how weak he was in the first game, but he is a decent bit stronger in the second. I updated the authors note to make that more clear. Thanks!

I just finished reading Chapter 2, and I shall praise it. I shall highlight how excited I am about MC&Doduo staying together.

And I shall say that I am glad this excites you because you will be seeing a lot more of Doduo!

Furthermore, I shall mention how forgettable those water-club witches were.

I don't know, I'd say they made quite an impact...

I can't wait to read the next chapter!

That's what I love about long fics. A nice over-arching plot. Something you can really sink your teeth into and enjoy over a longer period of time.

 

[Flyg0n]

Spoiler: Chapter 11

so today I decided to take my posh Scyther-themed SUV.

Your favorite pokemon is scyther, whats yours! I love this. Truly a utopia if we have Sycther SUV's.

He was smiling like he believed he made it all the way in...

I brought a hand to my face and sighed.

Oh Gotan

Once I started driving, it turned out Gotan could easily keep pace with my vehicle even when it was driving on a high-speed highway.

Dang dude that bird is FAST. I feel like this thing is secretly a legendary in disguise.

I nodded. "He did, but he wasn't able to claim a single prize against me after five games. After that, he told me he was done playing the Pokemon TCG with me. Nikki didn't want to play anymore either. She preferred grass types which were weak to the fire I used. Since we had nothing else in common, we stopped spending time together."

"Do you regret beating Isaac so badly?"

I paused a moment, soaking in the silence. "...I've never been one to hold back, but losing their friendship was unacceptable. I wish I had been wise enough to understand how to avoid it..."

Ouch. I think this posits a kind of interesting question, about contest/matches against friends. I have to side with gentleman here though. Holding back if someone is trying to be serious is just no good. He was right to go all out and thats Isaac's problem... Still though, feels rough to have a friend (former friend) get mad over something like that.

But I always assumed becoming champion would lead to a happy romance for me."

Nah bro, sorry Gentleman. I think you need to learn an important lesson. If you need to achieve a status to be loved that person prroobbbably doesn't love you. You need to find someone who loves who you are as a person because status, monetary situation, good looks, all of that can vanish in an instant. True love is love without needing to be a special rank, Gentleman.

, "Not that any other girl caught my eye like Nikki. Even now, no one catches my attention like that. I'm not sure if I have high standards or if I am just too particular when it comes to women... If only I had known finding love would be so elusive..."

That said, I think you need to let Nikki go my man. It was rough but if you keep mourning your lost chances with her you risk missing something else good that can come your way. It might even be less elusive than you think, though still tricky. But you gotta let her go man,,,

Just how long could that bird RUN?

Gotan is secretly a legendary theory is growing.

Also I love the art here, its very cute.

Jennifer was Isaac and Nikki's second daughter. She was only seven years old and going through a huge 'Pikachu' phase. For whatever reason, it was a thing I saw happen all-too-often with little girls on our island. I had a phase too growing up. It was an Arcanine phase, though considering my old MysticFire deck, perhaps I never grew out of it?

Awww thats cute and funny to imagine, kids going through pokemon phases. Also maybe you should change to a Doduo phase Gentleman. Or mayb you have a Sycther phase...-

It then dawned on me that I was currently going through... A Scyther phase?! That revelation was more unnerving than I had expected. I made a mental note to downplay my adoration for Scyther going forward lest anyone draw such a comparison...

YOU DOOO I WAS RIGHT.
The answer of course is to lean into it. Sorry but you're scyther fanboy now.

"Mister Gentleman. After the beating I received from you last time you were here, the chance to beat you while you are weakened by your all-common deck is just too tempting to pass up."

Forgive me, this may just be my abysmal memory, but this kid is like, 9 right? When did Gentleman last battle him? Unless this kid has the same ageless disease Ash ketchum has wouldn't this put their battle several years ago? I probably missed a line or forgot though.

As expected, the failure to draw a lightning energy for fifteen turns was slightly more than an inconvenience!

YEESH lol. It do be like that though lol, sometimesthe card you need just never comes up. Even though the odds of that are super low.

I was unaccustomed to being asked to lose in this manner. What kind of a gentleman would I be if I wasn't willing to throw a game once in a while? It sounded like little Jennifer would have such a nice time if I lost... Could I really be ok with upsetting such a perfect little angel? Surely not...

Interesting philosophy that he considers throwing a game the polite/Gentlemanly thing to do.

"This isn't anything new. Your goal has always been to humiliate others with your skill at the Pokemon TCG. Being able to do it with commons? What better way than that? You're just a noob-basher who is throwing a temper tantrum that you can't keep noob-bashing."

RUDE. I at first felt a dash of sympathy before this for Isaac but it really started to vanish QUICK. First he sends out his daughter and then he's doing name calling?

I barked back. "I'll NOT suffer lies to my FACE, you CUR!!"

"Yes, lets talk about lies. Like how you lied about winning against Jennifer."

I could hear Jennifer speak up. "Daddy...? What do you mean?"

"My poor little girl... He didn't duel you seriously. He was making fun of you. Since you didn't really win, I can't take you to the amusement park now. I'm sorry sweetie, It's out of my hands now. If you're upset, I understand, but don't blame Daddy, ok? It's the Gentleman's fault."

YOU'RE A JERK ISAAC. Yeah I officially hate this guys guts. Using the Gentleman as an excuse to be mean and awful to his daughter who is a child? What a massive wuss and jerk.

Isaac spoke louder so the other members in the club could hear. "You all saw it. He struck first. I was merely defending myself from this violent man. He didn't like being called out for his rampant noob-bashing, so you see what he resorts to!"

Finally Isaac stepped into the light as he loomed over me.

I want to thorw him through a wall. Now he's SETTING HIM UP?

I heard a light 'thud'.

In between the shadow's legs, I saw Isaac lowered his own leg back to the floor.

He had meant to KICK ME, the SCOUNDREL!

The shadow was confirmed to be Gotan. One of his heads went limp with a smile.

OUT OF MY WAY YOU DISGUSTING BIRD!" He continued kicking Gotan in various places as the bird reveled in it.

im going to kick Isaac myself!!! Gotan might get a kick out of it (heh), but the point being is that for his perspective he's KICKING GOTAN. I hope he takes a long walk off a short pier, I despise this guy completely and utterly. Wretched vile evil pathetic little man.

Unbelievable. Saved by Gotan!

SHOW SOME GRATITUDE! He did do it because he likes you, no just because he's a weird masochist bird.

I snarled. "Well if I win, you will refuse to defend yourself in a defamation lawsuit!"

"Agreed. Now get the Mew out of my club!"

You have SOME nerve you insolent cowardly brat!

My gosh I hate him, wow. No sympathy. Grow up you little baby, you're made about losing ages ago?? Get over it.

Man this chapter was spiicccyyyyyy. This is the kind of drama I live for. The tension, the rapidly escalating jerk behaviour, the set ups. Isaac is absolutely heinous and despicable in my eyes now. Using his child as a shield and manipulation device, lying, trying to set up Gentleman. It's represhensible. I hope Gotan eats him. I'm going fill his pillowcases with syrup. He doesn't deserve to be a club master >:{

Also he's the one making everyone not want to duel Gentleman?? thats maximum brat behaviour

Spoiler: Chapter 12

...It's like he wasn't even the same person anymore... My friend Isaac from long ago was gone! In his place was something completely unrecognizable... Something dark...

Friendship betrayals are the worst. It really does kind of feel like they're just. gone. not the person you knew. or maybe its just their true self coming out...
In a magical world like pokemon I'd almost wonder if the darkness is literal

If a man couldn't cry in his own shower, where could he? I let the tears flow as I turned up the heat and lingered for a while...

Oh poor Gentleman.

I didn't particularly care much , so I opened my fridge and started drinking.

I'm torn on the phrasing here because on one hand the clipped language communicates his altered mental state but also the transition from open fridge > start drinking seems a tad awkward...'so I opened my fridge and grabbed the entire case of beers'. But then, that is longer, so up to you ultimately.

My mission that day: To use my newfound age to drink my sorrows away!

NO!!!!!! Ohhhhh this always ends badly, you can't drink your sorrows away!!

Nikki joined in as well. Once we both calmed down, Nikki looked me in the eye with a mischievous grin. "Well... hey, if we can't play cards... You wanna drink some more?"

No! Bad!!! Both of you!!

She gave me that look again. "Hey... I've got the good stuff in my cabinet, you probably shouldn't be walking alone at night with how wobbly you are. I saved you eight times from falling over!"

Oh no

We both took the medicine.

She then got a bottle of something good and very tasty. We took turns drinking, each one egging the other on. Until...

Yeah idk what she put in your guys drinks dude but that seems sus. Also always a terrible idea to go home with anyone drinking. But at this point I guess he's too over the edge to consider that. Bad on her too...

My eyes went wide and next to me I saw the most beautiful woman in the entire world, sleeping serenely among a pile of fluffy pillows, white sheets, and an extra-fluffy comforter.

It was Nikki...

Entirely naked!

😬 aaand there it is. Oh no no no, bad.

Makes me wonder if Isaac ever found this out, maybe thats why he hates Gentleman. It'd be minutely more understandable but still I would hate him all the same for his behaviour. Also I am immediately wondering if Nikki's first kid is actually Gentleman's. Because I think that timeline adds right up. Which would doubly add to Isaac's anger if he finds out Nikki and Gentleman cheated on him.

Look Gentleman, Isaac hurt you and is nuts and bad but do you maybe think that he might know what you did? That these things could be slightly related??

A pure white cat with blue eyes was trotting over to me.

Apparently, it had just finished jumping off the kitchen counter! It quickly reached me and started rubbing itself against my leg as I breathed a brief sigh of relief.

Oh we got cats?? This is definitely a utopia

And that was it. That was the last time I saw Nikki outside of dueling to become champion or dueling after becoming champion.

😬 Yeah uh. Something definitely went wrong with Isaac, I bet he found out and I bet the kid isn't his.

Gentleman I think you might want to develop some healthier coping strategies. Considering how much trouble you get into with your drinking one, I think it doesn't quite work in your favor lol.

Spoiler: Chapter 13

I had the urge to fly today, so I took to my Scyther-themed one-man passenger drone from it's pad on the back balcony of the home. Ok... I suppose Scyther themed was an understatement... I may have had custom alterations done to it to make it look close enough to a real Scyther that people might think it WAS a Scyther...

Yeah man you got a Sycther phase happening

liked to pretend I was a Scyther flying high in the sky when I rode in it.

... Gentleman confirmed to have a Scyther Fursona?

His opponent, Michael, appeared to put minimal effort into his appearance... He looked to be twelve years old. Everything about him was plain, boring, and unassuming... It's not that he looked ugly or anything, it's just that there was nothing about him that really stood out in any meaningful way...

ouch, roasted, poor Michael.

Micheal sighed

typo here for his name.

Mitch closed his eyes in shame. "Ah... Michael-san. He lacks discipline. I have been trying to train him as a favor to his mother... She has a very nice rack."

I hadn't realized Mitch had such a one-track mind. I brought my hand to my face. So much for 'honor'. After thinking a moment, I convinced myself that a 'rack' was some kind of exercise equipment. For his display... Surely that was it...

I really hope so. Let's go with that. Exercise equipment. Yeah.

Somehow, Chris was able to start with the one Hitmonchan level 33 in his entire deck. It was the same Hitmonchan card Ronald, the former champion had used to win a game against me. I had no Doduo or Ponyta against him and he proceeded to wreck me with it. I lost within four turns.

That Hitmonchan is brutally effective against his deck. Good thing Isaac doesn't have Hitmonchan.

Surely, he must be talking about floor padding...

Yes yes Im sure. definitely

Her fate was now sealed! I played Pokemon Trader to swap it for Dark Rapidash, Energy Search for another Fire Energy, evolved Ponyta, attached another energy to it, and used Flame Pillar for 30 damage to KO her only mon and win the game!

Ohohoho, brutal combo, nice.

I took my leave.

Good call lol

As I flew through the sky in my drone, I considered that I only had one club left to defeat the regular members of: the Rock Club!

Oh there's a rock typing! This was probably mentioned and I forgot, but thats pretty interesting to have a rock club even though TCG (the physical game) doesn't have rock type, just "fighting" that covers everything.

A funny and light hearted chapter, not a ton of big things happen but it made me chuckle. The Scyther drone is both funny and pretty cool, and it serves as a nice interlude from the heavier bits of 11 & 12. Also it wasnice to get some solid wins back under his belt after the debacle at the lightning club going so poorly.

Spoiler: Chapter 14

In retrospect, I was extremely fortunate that Gotan appeared to be house-trained. He avoided damage to anything in the house and even walked on the joints of his talons to avoid scratching the floor!

Awww he's so thoughtful

I grinned. "THIS, my friend, is our ticket to the HYPERLOOP!"

Ah, the hyperloop. Such a magnificent feat of transportation. You sit in a capsule held in place by magnetic forces and are propelled along an extremely long underground pipe devoid of air to cut down on motion resistance. The pipes are kept at low-pressure to aid in speed as well. In theory, the capsule can reach over 700 miles per hour! The Hyperloop entry-point below my garage connects to the central hub. From there, one can visit any club in a matter of minutes!

DANG thats so cool??? And you just have one in your house??? I want one of these lol

The rug ended at a path of stone fragments pieced together stretching all the way to a slightly raised platform of wood planks. Flanking either side of the platform were tall boulders. All the rest of the floor was sand. Other large stones were scattered about the room as well. Each rock had rings etched in the sand around them. Each ring slightly farther out than the next. It created the effect that what we saw wasn't sand at all, but water. The 'stage' wasn't a stage at all, but a raft. Each stone sang with its own unique voice. Together they created a marvelous chorus of harmony and peace.

Ooooo the rock club sounds so lovely... I think its my favorite.

The club leader, Gene, was standing in the back on the wood planks. He wore a slate-gray traditional Neo robe and looked to be perhaps sixty-five years old.

He looks like edgy prof oak

His blindness never seemed to hold him back from anything.

Im so curious, does he have braille cards? Can he just sense them? I guess we'll find out eventually.

It's not much fun losing all the time

Git gut skrub

The only problem with the duelists of our island is that they were content to stagnate... Why did they not try to improve themselves? There were so very few duelists that really seemed to have the capacity to take things to the next level...

LOL same thought. Im with gentleman on this one. It's fine if maybe you want it to be a hobby but then you can't lament losing all the time. If you don't want to lose, then get better! Pick one.

I shook my head. "No, your deck has plenty of things to help against lightning. I just have ways of boosting my damage beyond what your rock types can withstand. The Voltorb I use can be very powerful, but come at the cost of very low HP. Don't be so hard on yourself. I am the Champion after all!"

Thats nice of Gentleman, I like this

Gotan was frowning with both heads and was squinting. It would seem his 'fun' was squandered by me not having a Doduo to play that game.

Poor Gotan, mean old Gentleman isn't doing enough to let Gotan get beat up

Matthew gave ME a look of pity?! "You mean to tell me that as the Champion you actually use that card? It discards cards! You can't use discarded cards! Professor Oak sucks! I would NEVER put one of those in my deck! No wonder I'm eventually going to become Champion!"

ahahah this mentality is killing me, because its sort of how I feel where I hate the idea of discarding cards or cards that deal recoil, even though there's mathematical basis behind it. This is why I'd be a terrible deck builder.

I smacked myself in the forehead. "Ah! Of course! You want to go out in the storm, is that it?"

Now you get it, Gentleman. Also maybe this bird is descended from Zapdos or something...

I nodded. "Precisely. From what I can tell, I don't think I have ever seen or heard of a Doduo succumbing to death before."

I know the explanation given is that they simply dont die in view of us but its very funny to imagine they're like. secretly immortal. Or gods. I mean we've never found Doduo remains?? whats that mean then. Maybe that old Sinnoh myth about returning bones to the rivers so they regrow or whatever is true hah.

Well that wraps up all the club battles I think! Now Gentleman just has to go around and challenge the leaders, right? And work his way back to Isaac. With 30 or so chapters left to go I expect there will be quite a few twists and turns on the road to achieving this. He's doing so well, but I know this will only get harder from here. I think I'm most looking forward to more Gotan and the next confrontation with Isaac. Also I bet we'll eventually run into Nikki again proper... thats gonna be something.

Also like I said, I'm going with my own theory now that Gotan is secretly a legendary

 

[Tango]

Wow! Reviews of Chapters 11, 12, 13, and 14! Today is now a good day.

Spoiler: Chapter 11

Your favorite pokemon is scyther, whats yours! I love this. Truly a utopia if we have Sycther SUV's.

That's all we ask for, really.

Dang dude that bird is FAST. I feel like this thing is secretly a legendary in disguise.

Oh you've barely scratched the surface of just how fast the Doduo's of their world are... lol...

Ouch. I think this posits a kind of interesting question, about contest/matches against friends. I have to side with gentleman here though. Holding back if someone is trying to be serious is just no good. He was right to go all out and thats Isaac's problem... Still though, feels rough to have a friend (former friend) get mad over something like that.

Indeed.

Nah bro, sorry Gentleman. I think you need to learn an important lesson. If you need to achieve a status to be loved that person prroobbbably doesn't love you. You need to find someone who loves who you are as a person because status, monetary situation, good looks, all of that can vanish in an instant. True love is love without needing to be a special rank, Gentleman.

Yep. His reasoning was wrong. Nikki messed him up good there. She had crushes on both of them and couldn't choose, so she said she would marry whichever became Champion. So he dedicated his life to it and became Champion. But no Nikki for him... But those girls at the Water Club? Totally just after him for status.

That said, I think you need to let Nikki go my man. It was rough but if you keep mourning your lost chances with her you risk missing something else good that can come your way. It might even be less elusive than you think, though still tricky. But you gotta let her go man,,,

Yep. He really does. Easier said than done, though...

Gotan is secretly a legendary theory is growing.

That's a really cool theory. Cool enough to use. But you will have to wait and see if there is anything more to Gotan.

Also I love the art here, its very cute.

I got it from Doduo TCG cards!

Awww thats cute and funny to imagine, kids going through pokemon phases. Also maybe you should change to a Doduo phase Gentleman. Or mayb you have a Sycther phase...-

YOU DOOO I WAS RIGHT.
The answer of course is to lean into it. Sorry but you're scyther fanboy now.

He cannot escape it. The meta reason for him liking Scyther is because I do, by the way. There aren't many mon that can match Scyther in coolness. Haunter is another.

Forgive me, this may just be my abysmal memory, but this kid is like, 9 right? When did Gentleman last battle him? Unless this kid has the same ageless disease Ash ketchum has wouldn't this put their battle several years ago? I probably missed a line or forgot though.

So, in order for him to become champion in the first place, he had to travel around to all the different clubs, beat all the members, and then beat all the leaders. Once he did that, he had the right to challenge the current Champion to a 2 out of 3 match. He won and became champion. Since he became champion recently, all the members of the clubs are still the same from when he was working on obtaining the champion title. Therefore, he has dueled everyone in all the clubs already. When he dueled them the first time, he was using his unrestricted deck: MysticFire. That deck had rares and everything it it. It absolutely wiped the floor with everyone. The strength of that deck gave Isaac an easy thing to point to when starting up the whole 'don't duel the Champion anymore' movement against him.

YEESH lol. It do be like that though lol, sometimesthe card you need just never comes up. Even though the odds of that are super low.

That was a particularly crazy duel. I couldn't believe how long it took me to draw energy lol... I was also surprised I was able to hold on long enough to bounce back!

Interesting philosophy that he considers throwing a game the polite/Gentlemanly thing to do.

Obviously it would be better for him if he beat her, but he didn't want to upset her and wanted to make her happy. She is also Nikki's daughter and that means something to him.

RUDE. I at first felt a dash of sympathy before this for Isaac but it really started to vanish QUICK. First he sends out his daughter and then he's doing name calling?

Oh you haven't seen ANYTHING yet!

YOU'RE A JERK ISAAC. Yeah I officially hate this guys guts. Using the Gentleman as an excuse to be mean and awful to his daughter who is a child? What a massive wuss and jerk.

He isn't trying to be mean to his daughter.(But he is willing to hurt her in the process by deluding himself that hes helping her see how awful the Gentleman is.) He is trying to get her to hate the Gentleman. To use her to help him get Nikki to hate him too. A later chapter will greatly expand on his thought process and motivations. Oh and that chapter will NOT be doing him any favors with getting you to like him!

I want to thorw him through a wall. Now he's SETTING HIM UP?

And that's not even the worst of it, either.

im going to kick Isaac myself!!! Gotan might get a kick out of it (heh), but the point being is that for his perspective he's KICKING GOTAN.

Absolutely. Isaac is being a total scumbag here.

I hope he takes a long walk off a short pier, I despise this guy completely and utterly. Wretched vile evil pathetic little man.

Yeah he is pretty terrible.

SHOW SOME GRATITUDE! He did do it because he likes you, no just because he's a weird masochist bird.

It's going to take him a while yet before he starts considering that Gotan is actually trying to help people. (In Mister Gentleman's defense, Doduo doing that is NOT normal for them! Masochistic tendencies are totally normal for them, though.)

You have SOME nerve you insolent cowardly brat!

My gosh I hate him, wow. No sympathy. Grow up you little baby, you're made about losing ages ago?? Get over it.

Yep. It was about time the fic had a villain. I'm rather proud of how Isaac turned out. (Since I was aiming to make him a complete scumbag.)

Man this chapter was spiicccyyyyyy. This is the kind of drama I live for. The tension, the rapidly escalating jerk behaviour, the set ups. Isaac is absolutely heinous and despicable in my eyes now. Using his child as a shield and manipulation device, lying, trying to set up Gentleman. It's represhensible. I hope Gotan eats him. I'm going fill his pillowcases with syrup. He doesn't deserve to be a club master >:{

Also he's the one making everyone not want to duel Gentleman?? thats maximum brat behaviour

Feedback like this is how I know I wrote a DANG good chapter! It was so much fun to write it by the way. You would be surprised how little it changed from its initial draft, too!

One thing you might want to try: if you have a PC, re-read the chapter using the soundtrack. I think it works really well for it!

Spoiler: Chapter 12

Friendship betrayals are the worst. It really does kind of feel like they're just. gone. not the person you knew. or maybe its just their true self coming out...

Indeed. It really is the worst. (Wish I wasn't speaking from experience on that one...)

In a magical world like pokemon I'd almost wonder if the darkness is literal

A fair observation.

Oh poor Gentleman.

Yeah, he already lost his best friends long ago and now all this happens. At least he has Rick, though.

I'm torn on the phrasing here because on one hand the clipped language communicates his altered mental state but also the transition from open fridge > start drinking seems a tad awkward...'so I opened my fridge and grabbed the entire case of beers'. But then, that is longer, so up to you ultimately.

Eh, yeah, this bit was worded awkwardly. I went back and switched it around some. I might do it again later too. Not sure.

NO!!!!!! Ohhhhh this always ends badly, you can't drink your sorrows away!!

Well, he didn't know that yet.

No! Bad!!! Both of you!!

Funny thing about drinking is that the more you drink the harder it is to make good decisions...

Oh no

Oh yes!

Yeah idk what she put in your guys drinks dude but that seems sus.

Just medicine to take the edge off of the worst of the after-effects of drinking. Doesn't help with memory loss, though.

Also always a terrible idea to go home with anyone drinking. But at this point I guess he's too over the edge to consider that. Bad on her too...

Yep they done both messed up!

😬 aaand there it is. Oh no no no, bad.

Consequences. They exist!

Makes me wonder if Isaac ever found this out, maybe thats why he hates Gentleman. It'd be minutely more understandable but still I would hate him all the same for his behaviour.

You will find out if he knows or not farther in.

Also I am immediately wondering if Nikki's first kid is actually Gentleman's. Because I think that timeline adds right up. Which would doubly add to Isaac's anger if he finds out Nikki and Gentleman cheated on him.

You wanna know a secret?

Spoiler: Secret

This is an actual spoiler but I think you've earned it if you want to know. If you want to keep it a surprise, don't open it. Seriously. No going back if you open it.

Spoiler: Secret Spoiler

You are completely correct! Heather, the grass club member, IS the daughter of Mister Gentleman and Nikki!!! Neither of them know it but this information will be revealed to them at some point, though I won't say if it's in Book One or a later book. As for if Isaac knows, I'll leave that a surprise, for now...

Look Gentleman, Isaac hurt you and is nuts and bad but do you maybe think that he might know what you did? That these things could be slightly related??

It would explain a lot, sure.

Oh we got cats?? This is definitely a utopia

Cats are the best, especially Sir Pounce.

😬 Yeah uh. Something definitely went wrong with Isaac, I bet he found out and I bet the kid isn't his.

What if the kid IS his and he didn't find out?

Gentleman I think you might want to develop some healthier coping strategies. Considering how much trouble you get into with your drinking one, I think it doesn't quite work in your favor lol.

Yeah...

Spoiler: Chapter 13

Yeah man you got a Sycther phase happening

Yep. He can't deny it any more!

... Gentleman confirmed to have a Scyther Fursona?

You know... he might.

ouch, roasted, poor Michael.

I mean... he looks more like an NPC than the actual NPCs in the game lol...

typo here for his name.

Oh wow! Fixed. Thanks!

I really hope so. Let's go with that. Exercise equipment. Yeah.

Yeah!

That Hitmonchan is brutally effective against his deck. Good thing Isaac doesn't have Hitmonchan.

It really is. The hardest thing for him to beat. Without Doduo to use against it, he almost has no chance against it.

Yes yes Im sure. definitely

Totally.

Ohohoho, brutal combo, nice.

Yep. With a common card deck, he has made commons of people.

Oh there's a rock typing! This was probably mentioned and I forgot, but thats pretty interesting to have a rock club even though TCG (the physical game) doesn't have rock type, just "fighting" that covers everything.

Yeah, rock is fighting but has grass weakness and has resistance to lightning.

A funny and light hearted chapter, not a ton of big things happen but it made me chuckle. The Scyther drone is both funny and pretty cool, and it serves as a nice interlude from the heavier bits of 11 & 12. Also it wasnice to get some solid wins back under his belt after the debacle at the lightning club going so poorly.

Yeah, he still has his other duels to complete so a normal chapter was nice. Glad the humor hit well!

Spoiler: Chapter 14

Awww he's so thoughtful

Yep! Gotan knows how to avoid messing people's belongings and homes up.

DANG thats so cool??? And you just have one in your house??? I want one of these lol

By the way, that is actual experimental technology that people decided not to build due to how expensive it is. I looked it up!

But yeah, thats where a lot of his money ended up going back when he was rolling in it lol...

Ooooo the rock club sounds so lovely... I think its my favorite.

I think it's mine too, honestly. Massive ascetic upgrade compared to the original game.

He looks like edgy prof oak

Yeah either that or Brock's grandpa.

Im so curious, does he have braille cards? Can he just sense them? I guess we'll find out eventually.

Yes he does, in fact! I think I had it that his card sleves had braille on them.

Git gut skrub

LOL same thought. Im with gentleman on this one. It's fine if maybe you want it to be a hobby but then you can't lament losing all the time. If you don't want to lose, then get better! Pick one.

I'll be curious to see what you think of some upcoming chapters...

Thats nice of Gentleman, I like this

Yeah. He doesn't like putting people down or making them feel bad.

Poor Gotan, mean old Gentleman isn't doing enough to let Gotan get beat up

Yep!

ahahah this mentality is killing me, because its sort of how I feel where I hate the idea of discarding cards or cards that deal recoil, even though there's mathematical basis behind it. This is why I'd be a terrible deck builder.

Hmmm... something tells me you would be better than you think. Practice is one of the things but understanding theory is part of it too. You seem like you understand the theory, so that's half the work already.

Now you get it, Gentleman. Also maybe this bird is descended from Zapdos or something...

Just Doduo being Doduo and loving pain.

I know the explanation given is that they simply dont die in view of us but its very funny to imagine they're like. secretly immortal. Or gods. I mean we've never found Doduo remains?? whats that mean then. Maybe that old Sinnoh myth about returning bones to the rivers so they regrow or whatever is true hah.

Well that wraps up all the club battles I think!

Indeed!

Now Gentleman just has to go around and challenge the leaders, right? And work his way back to Isaac.

Correct!

With 30 or so chapters left to go I expect there will be quite a few twists and turns on the road to achieving this.

There will be stuff in between, yes.

He's doing so well, but I know this will only get harder from here.

Very true.

I think I'm most looking forward to more Gotan and the next confrontation with Isaac.

You will have both of these things to look forward to!

Also I bet we'll eventually run into Nikki again proper... thats gonna be something.

Certainly. She is the Grass Club Master and is one he intends to duel. And yes, it will be something.

Also like I said, I'm going with my own theory now that Gotan is secretly a legendary

Not a bad theory. Just keep in mind that anything physically that Gotan can do, other Doduo can also do. (But behavior is obviously weird. You won't see other Doduo sleep with both heads, for example.)

 

[Kiba Makuro]

Hey Tango, I'm here for our review exchange. Terribly sorry for the delay, the timing was not the greatest on my part, but let's see how the opening is.

I suppose I should cover the intro as you did mine.


Compared to many of the other stories I've read, even on TR and PMDFF with all the different features I've rarely seen someone have this many bits of extra content. I admire all of the love and dedication you put into your story. There’s quite a bit of custom art, carefully selected songs, many links to all sorts of resources such as official art, and rules for the TCG, especially since this a story/journey fic based on the older wacky rules of the 90s Pokémon TCG.


Especially all the helpful background on the TCG games, as well there was only one released in the west, quite a while ago.

Okay now onto the main parts covering the Prologue Diary of a Gentleman and Chapter 1 in this review.


A diary entry style chapter, very interesting. Though this and or some sort of journal lend very well to the first person style of TCG Island. Though we see in chapter 1, that this was only for the Prologue, though it still feels a tad scene by scene at times.


Mister Gentleman is a charming character to read. He is not a blank slate by any means, he has goals, dreams, regrets, an ego, the whole bit. As a Protagonist Mister Gentleman is kind, a bit goofy, and quite the thinker. Like most people he cares about what people think about him, especially as his whole as Champion.

Billy is a realistic enough kid, especially considering his parents signed him up for this tutoring session that he definitely seems to have little interest in the majority of.

I’m a bit confused on why Dodou is the only real Pokémon in this adventure, limiting the Pokémon in a Pokémon story is quite a decision, though I do not know if it is permanent from a glimpse I saw of a later chapter.


I suppose if the game was actually played with only cards, not represented like the recent TCG animation Path to the Peak, or like the Yugioh games animes, you do need at least one outlet.


The bit about the TCG being complete and there's no need for cards got me to laugh. I suppose when you are stuck in a limited game world based on a changing series, and physical one at that the meta commentary goes very funny with how on the nose “we are stuck in the 90s moment”.


Now the ending has me a bit worried, as it looks like you are very far into a game mechanic centric story. Unfortunately that sort of thing, especially for an extremely small spin off series may be a turnoff to readers, even in small doses. Even with your extensive explanation, I was very lost with the mention of the Flashfire deck.


Personally I believe if the story started off with a little batlle showcasing the deck, and all its moving parts, and then gave the explanation and details (possibly anime-esque style) then it would be a little smoother. As how it's described and told in the next chapter is a much better explanation for the uninformed readed in my personal preferences.

Onto Chapter 1


We have a little bit of background for our protagonist, his accomplishments, current living situation, quite a bit of detail in one section, though anything to hype

It looks like Mister Gentleman is in dire need of some funds, after all a mortgage isn't especially a light payment, though nowadays there's apartment payments that are higher. Though there's a bit of a dilemma, no one wants to battle the Champion again, even if he was up and coming, brimming with fair talent, he's got a pretty impressive deck that beat everyone now, basically like having a fully evolved team. However, unless you're someone who does catch any other Pokémon or even releases some, you most likely have extra Pokémon that aren't at the same level.


Mister Gentleman has quite a few cards that he's collected over his previous journey, and thus another chance at showing off his skills: using a new deck against opponents new and old, and having another shot at TCG. More importantly, being able to have to get some more money.


For the most part, I do appreciate the prose in Chapter 1, there's not too often a scene or paragraph draws on too long or goes too quick. The sentence structure is varied

While I do like Mister Gentleman’s personality and backstory as a whole, it was a bit awkward when we focused on Heather and Nikki lost romance and regret. It is certainly a realistic thing to definitely feel, there's always someone you have lots of thoughts about. Something for Mister Gentleman to get over.


The battle with Brittany was a good introduction to the mechanics, and had great, natural banter that touched on an interesting bit of lore: playing the game on the floor. Though that's probably just a little reference or joke.


Now I will say I do have a major gripe with a key component to the story that unfortunately I believe will need to be completely rewritten or adjusted and added on to. This is the card as it is just a beat by beat of what happens in a match down to the move my card like this the opponent moves their card Porygon card took XYZ damage from this Pokemon. Unfortunately when the Pokemon cards are actually cards and they're not a holographic representation of Pokemon that are actually battling, the battles are limited in what detail the audience can get.


Now of course this is one of the early chapters so you could realistically use a plain style in the beginning and then eventually later move over to a more descriptive style of describing the attacks maybe describing some of the maneuvers that can be described heads or tails could be visualized some sort of way alongside the drawing of cards and the various other actions.


That is a tall order to ask and recommend and I know it's definitely not feedback anyone really wants to hear but I do believe that the majority of audiences who are willing to give such a niche story a chance also like to have a bit of depth and description to the combat in this story. Not every story needs detailed combat but since this one is based off a playthrough which is mainly TCG combat and talking to npcs it would help make things exciting.


The majority of stories for Mainline and PMD aren't also just beat by beat with battles and that's what most people are going to expect. Battles are described more than just what the battle summary would tell you in game. Of course that is a lot more work especially for a story like this.


However it isn't the end of the world. The rest of the writing clearly isn't beat by beat and has a lot of flavor and description and interesting character moments. But we want the main meat of the story, the battles to have action using active voice describing the effects of the attacks and what not unfortunately when they're just cards it is a bit difficult to see that. And I know that goes against the world building of the game but from a story perspective I believe you could find a way to alleviate that as most other stories don't strictly follow the worldbuilding of their games as well.


If anything it's good to see that Mister Gentleman can use Flashfire as a deck to go back to all the various clubs of the Island. Brittany was great first opponent and we even got some lore for the TCG in there, though it feels a bit odd.This will definitely get more interesting when word spreads about him, and other folks may think they should interfere in some way.

Now I'll admit this was a bit heavy and critical for a review but I want to give honest advice and comments that I feel other's haven't said. I won't be repeating myself often unless I point to a specific chapter segment. Of course everything I say is about my own opinion, and these are older chapters and that's why I'd say it's all advice to take into consideration later so as to not end up rewriting a story or chapters forever. Once one starts, it gets in almost every chapter you write or review you get, but avoiding rewrite hell is helpful if you want to finish a story one day. Though apparently this story is the rewrite of an older version so I doubly know how it feels.


Anyway I hope to continue our exchange soon, keep up the good work.

 

[Tango]

Hey Tango, I'm here for our review exchange. Terribly sorry for the delay, the timing was not the greatest on my part, but let's see how the opening is.

It's good to see the review come in from you!

I suppose I should cover the intro as you did mine.

Thanks!

Compared to many of the other stories I've read, even on TR and PMDFF with all the different features I've rarely seen someone have this many bits of extra content. I admire all of the love and dedication you put into your story. There’s quite a bit of custom art, carefully selected songs, many links to all sorts of resources such as official art, and rules for the TCG, especially since this a story/journey fic based on the older wacky rules of the 90s Pokémon TCG.

Especially all the helpful background on the TCG games, as well there was only one released in the west, quite a while ago.

Glad this bit seems to do a good job of prepping the reader for the story.

Mister Gentleman is a charming character to read. He is not a blank slate by any means, he has goals, dreams, regrets, an ego, the whole bit. As a Protagonist Mister Gentleman is kind, a bit goofy, and quite the thinker. Like most people he cares about what people think about him, especially as his whole as Champion.

Glad he seems to work well for you.

I’m a bit confused on why Dodou is the only real Pokémon in this adventure, limiting the Pokémon in a Pokémon story is quite a decision, though I do not know if it is permanent from a glimpse I saw of a later chapter.

If you want the meta reason, it's because my fic started as a record of duels I had with the deck which I made crap up mostly for my own amusement for along the way. Doduo in the deck is really only good for tanking. If there was one Doduo, it stood to reason there would be others too, but trying to have all the Pokemon was too big of a pain to write and would overshadow the duels too much, so I just stuck with Doduo.

If you are looking for a story reason, that is an entirely different matter. The characters in the story (at least so far from what you have read) have no clue why there are Doduo and no others. It is a mystery. One with non-meta answers if you get far enough in. I thought the other characters in the story would help you realize that it is ok to be confused on that...

I suppose if the game was actually played with only cards, not represented like the recent TCG animation Path to the Peak, or like the Yugioh games animes, you do need at least one outlet.

So I watched an episode of Path to the Peak out of curiosity. It works great for a kids show with imagination, but for a T rated fic like mine, holograms would probably be more on point. I have no desire to write holograms, though.

The bit about the TCG being complete and there's no need for cards got me to laugh. I suppose when you are stuck in a limited game world based on a changing series, and physical one at that the meta commentary goes very funny with how on the nose “we are stuck in the 90s moment”.

Glad at least one of the jokes landed well!

Now the ending has me a bit worried, as it looks like you are very far into a game mechanic centric story. Unfortunately that sort of thing, especially for an extremely small spin off series may be a turnoff to readers, even in small doses. Even with your extensive explanation, I was very lost with the mention of the Flashfire deck.

Personally I believe if the story started off with a little batlle showcasing the deck, and all its moving parts, and then gave the explanation and details (possibly anime-esque style) then it would be a little smoother. As how it's described and told in the next chapter is a much better explanation for the uninformed readed in my personal preferences.

The very first duel in the fic is in chapter 1 and it shows how to play. I wanted to introduce the rules and the deck first to make it easier to grasp the duel in chapter 1. But I also don't want to be too quick to dismiss suggestions.

What if I moved the first duel in chapter 1 over to the prologue as the very start of the prologue? I would then skip that duel later in chapter 1 since it would have already been part of the Prologue. Would it catch your attention better that way?

Onto Chapter 1

We have a little bit of background for our protagonist, his accomplishments, current living situation, quite a bit of detail in one section, though anything to hype

It looks like Mister Gentleman is in dire need of some funds, after all a mortgage isn't especially a light payment, though nowadays there's apartment payments that are higher. Though there's a bit of a dilemma, no one wants to battle the Champion again, even if he was up and coming, brimming with fair talent, he's got a pretty impressive deck that beat everyone now, basically like having a fully evolved team. However, unless you're someone who does catch any other Pokémon or even releases some, you most likely have extra Pokémon that aren't at the same level.

Mister Gentleman has quite a few cards that he's collected over his previous journey, and thus another chance at showing off his skills: using a new deck against opponents new and old, and having another shot at TCG. More importantly, being able to have to get some more money.

Sounds like you get the gist.

For the most part, I do appreciate the prose in Chapter 1, there's not too often a scene or paragraph draws on too long or goes too quick. The sentence structure is varied

Glad to hear it.

it was a bit awkward when we focused on Heather and Nikki f

Unless you elaborate, I really can't tell what you are trying to say here other than that you don't seem to like Nikki and Heather.

The battle with

The battle with....? What?

Now I will say I do have a major gripe with a key component to the story that unfortunately I believe will need to be completely rewritten or adjusted and added on to. This is the card as it is just a beat by beat of what happens in a match down to the move my card like this the opponent moves their card Porygon card took XYZ damage from this Pokemon. Unfortunately when the Pokemon cards are actually cards and they're not a holographic representation of Pokemon that are actually battling, the battles are limited in what detail the audience can get.

Now of course this is one of the early chapters so you could realistically use a plain style in the beginning and then eventually later move over to a more descriptive style of describing the attacks maybe describing some of the maneuvers that can be described heads or tails could be visualized some sort of way alongside the drawing of cards and the various other actions.

Well I'm not adding holograms in case Billy didn't already make that clear.

It sounds like you are saying I need to add more physical actions and reactions from the players in the duels, is that it?

That is a tall order to ask and recommend and I know it's definitely not feedback anyone really wants to hear but I do believe that the majority of audiences who are willing to give such a niche story a chance also like to have a bit of depth and description to the combat in this story. Not every story needs detailed combat but since this one is based off a playthrough which is mainly TCG combat and talking to npcs it would help make things exciting.

If it's just adding more actions and reactions during a duel, that is something I should be able to implement.

The majority of stories for Mainline and PMD aren't also just beat by beat with battles and that's what most people are going to expect. Battles are described more than just what the battle summary would tell you in game. Of course that is a lot more work especially for a story like this.

I will admit it's pretty frustrating having greatly improved the duels for Book One compared to my original fic only to hear this about it. I imagine your stance on this is probably the most severe I will encounter.

However it isn't the end of the world. The rest of the writing clearly isn't beat by beat and has a lot of flavor and description and interesting character moments. But we want the main meat of the story, the battles to have action using active voice describing the effects of the attacks and what not unfortunately when they're just cards it is a bit difficult to see that. And I know that goes against the world building of the game but from a story perspective I believe you could find a way to alleviate that as most other stories don't strictly follow the worldbuilding of their games as well.

Funny. I consider the characters and the plot to be the main meat of the story. But your observation is not lost on me...

If anything it's good to see that Mister Gentleman can use Sparkfire

Flashfire

as a deck to go back to all the various clubs of the Island. Brittany was great first opponent and we even got some lore for the TCG in there, though it feels a bit odd.This will definitely get more interesting when word spreads about him, and other folks may think they should interfere in some way.

I'm glad the ways I wrote Brittany helped a bit.

Now I'll admit this was a bit heavy and critical for a review

It was, but it still fell within my concrit parameters. Even so, I wasn't expecting a review so critical at this point.

but I want to give honest advice and comments that I feel other's haven't said.

Fair.

I won't be repeating myself often unless I point to a specific chapter segment. Of course everything I say is about my own opinion,

A very strong opinon, yes.

and these are older chapters and that's why I'd say it's all advice to take into consideration later so as to not end up rewriting a story or chapters forever. Once one starts, it gets in almost every chapter you write or review you get, but avoiding rewrite hell is helpful if you want to finish a story one day.

Rewrites and edits are necessary if you want a good number of readers to make it past the early parts of your fic. Receiving this level of concrit makes it impossibe for me to ignore if I feel the reviewer has a point. I think there is more I can do with duels that doesn't involve holograms, so I feel like you have a point.

That said, you seem to have high standards. Candidly, I'm not sure if my current writing abilities are able to meet them, but I can find out.

Though apparently this story is the rewrite of an older version so I doubly know how it feels.

This was technically a rewrite, but I'm not sure it counts when the original 5k material it was based on became 110k. Book One is mostly new content using the old prologue as a basic framework.

Anyway I hope to continue our exchange soon, keep up the good work.

I don't really feel like my work is good right now, but I appreciate the positive comments.

I might need some time for revisions before we resume our exchange but I tend to complete those very fast...

 

[FanFictioner144]

You are reviewed by Writer FanFictioner144!
Their card set:
Colorless Energy x2
Keyboard (basic)
Searcher (basic)
Critical Switch
Humor Bill
P-raiser
Let the battle begin!

Spoiler: Review for Chapter 3

Track 19 – a fit for the [Doduo waking up] scenes, albeit short. I say it could remain as it is.

Impeccable narration, I must say. The whole [Doduo bonding] setup is unfolding before our eyes.

I draw a card:
Crit-ciser
Might be useful for later.
I attach a Colorless Energy to my Searcher. Behold my upcoming attack!

Track 20 – a spectacular fit for Doduo’s playtime. Great!

It's a good thing Doduo feathers were not on the list of prohibited yard debris for the homeowners association

I considered using my Humor Bill for this one. That “homeowners associaion” thingy snatched a laugh from me. Sadly, I have already ended my turn. So no cards for humor, I guess.

I supposed I could tolerate it following me about if it chose to do so

Yay!

Okay. Now that you have taken your action, it’s time for me to use Critical Switch. Keyboard is benched; Searcher gets into the field!

Track 21 – a G# Major, perfect for the suspense + insightfulness. MC, you better not spoil it!
track added to favorites

I was able to make out letters on it: 'go'. Go? Go where

Me resisting the urge to say “Pokémon GO”.

You think I have ceased foolishness?! Dear opponent, I am afraid you are in for more laughter!
Using Humor Bill now, I draw [two any cards I want] from the deck:
Colorless Energy
Mouse (basic)
Not bad… although I wanted Googler (Stage 1 evolution of Searcher) instead of Mouse. Oh well, attaching another Colorless Energy to my Searcher.
To end my turn, Searcher attacks with “Tracker – 2 colorless energy” for 30 damage.

An immersive passage, indeed. MC and Doduo seem to [kinda] be getting along. Bird’s even got a name!
go tango tan!

Of course that bird couldn't understand me

The one thing I would like to debate. How much do Pokémon actually understand human language? At least enough to run attacks, I guess.

I almost thought I caught him squinting at me

🤨

I’ll assume you forced my Searcher out. I bench Searcher and activate Keyboard.
Now I take a card from the deck:
Searcher (basic)
Okay, another battler. I’ll take it.

but decided that would be a problem for future me instead

The moment MC realizes plot must move forward. That, or he is a slacker. I want to see how the latter theory [stands its ground], or [falls apart] throughout the story.

I supposed I could have attempted to sneak away when he slept

MC is not fond of having a Doduo trail him, and I fully respect his opinion.

Track 22 – quite suspenseful for a club entry. Surprisingly, it fits with the scene descriptions.

Doduo owners are responsible for the cleaning of any feathers left behind. Violators will be prosecuted

Is it wrong to think of that sign like this?


I do not know what I am doing with my TCG deck at hand. Describing a battle is even harder than I thought. One needs full conscience of what will happen, and still keep it [grounded in their reality].
I forfeit.
hopefully everything i did was legal and decent for a first-timer

my presumed Doudo to

I wasn't planing to visit

Caught two! “Doduo” and “planning”

Almost like some kind of mechanized Mew

A setup for future storytelling. We are in to find out more about their world.

They also seem to be

that may contain the occasional

Blue diamond patterned rugs

It may have been old technology

Caught multiple! “seemed”, “might”, “diamond-patterned”, and “might”

This science club of theirs seems to endure time and years of experimentation. Wonder what projects they are currently following.

Track 23 – why “The Mad Scientist,” I wonder? Regardless, melody and beats shape a suspenseful atmosphere, with a touch of [curiosity]. A match for the scenes.

If only we had some Doduo feathers laying about... They are getting so hard to come by these days

I am going to headcannon it, that the cluns run a program to drive out the Doduos.
Otherwise, finding feathers would not be such a privilege.

I didn't know he could be afraid of anything

Not even a day passed since you first met that bird! Stop pretending to know [anything you don’t know], MC!

I figured I may as well see

might 💪

Rick always was an odd one

What MC thinks, and

Using both heads, he eyed the surroundings and Rick carefully

What Doduo perceives.
Looks like they are bonding a lot quicker than I expected!

comforting at an otherwise scary situation

Caught one! “in”

Were Gotan a human woman, you would likely be missing your hand

A woman using a fighting technique.
You mean an ordinary woman?! Even an ordinary man would have trouble doing such feat!

Track 24 – a mix of suspenseful beats and epic melody. Perfect for [magical science talk].

in conversation that interested

Caught one! “in a conversation”

Anti-gravity is not new technology

Actually, I know exactly what you are talking about. *starts spinning while holding a rope, gets thrown into the sky, lands outside of a Pokémon Center*
i don't even play pokemon games to know what an "escape rope" is

For now, I am here seeking duelists to test my new all-common card deck against

I know someone who also has a knack for battling. Someone who also dismisses a [super interesting explanation], just for the sake of a battle. The name is Ash Ketchum.

Track 25 – a joyful contrast with the previous suspense. Fitting for a funny negotiation montage.
look! even the scientist became more goofy!

Free lawn care? Did my ears deceive me

Slacker confirmed! I guess my theory stands.
Either way, character flaws are great for the story.

As I read the chapter, my jaw remained dropped at the mysteries of their world. I want to see if they truly have other Pokémon around.
For that, wonderful immersion!
One thing I criticize, though. Dedicating full paragraphs to describe [club decorations and structure]. I will certainly forget most of it. Might be just me, though. Depends on how other reviewers perceive it.

Now I will finish my review in the most direct way possible:
Goodbye.

 

[Tango]

You are reviewed by Writer FanFictioner144!
Their card set:
Colorless Energy x2
Keyboard (basic)
Searcher (basic)
Critical Switch
Humor Bill
P-raiser
Let the battle begin!

What is going on here? It seems you took various concepts, created Pokemon cards with them and intend to play them? I don't think I've ever seen a review utilize such a unique approach! (In fact, I wonder if there will ever be one more unique than this!)

Spoiler: Review for Chapter 3

Impeccable narration, I must say. The whole [Doduo bonding] setup is unfolding before our eyes.

Thanks!

I considered using my Humor Bill for this one. That “homeowners associaion” thingy snatched a laugh from me. Sadly, I have already ended my turn. So no cards for humor, I guess.

Always nice to hear when the humor lands.

Me resisting the urge to say “Pokémon GO”.

Fair.

An immersive passage, indeed. MC and Doduo seem to [kinda] be getting along. Bird’s even got a name!
go tango tan!

Ah, I see you noticed the name immediately! Not bad...

The one thing I would like to debate. How much do Pokémon actually understand human language? At least enough to run attacks, I guess.

Pokemon in the normal world understand attacks. Pokemon in this world have animal-level intelligence. Gotan is highly unusual compared to other Doduo in their world. You will see evidence of this in future chapters.

The moment MC realizes plot must move forward. That, or he is a slacker. I want to see how the latter theory [stands its ground], or [falls apart] throughout the story.

Well since he has no idea he is in a story, you may as well go with the second option lol

Is it wrong to think of that sign like this?

I was thinking a more tasteful plaque, but there is really no harm in it being like that either!

Caught two! “Doduo” and “planning”

A setup for future storytelling. We are in to find out more about their world.

Yes, there are a number of things in this chapter that set up things for later.

Caught multiple! “seemed”, “might”, “diamond-patterned”, and “might”

This science club of theirs seems to endure time and years of experimentation. Wonder what projects they are currently following.

There is one main project they are currently working on and it involves Doduo feathers. There is also a side-project Rick is personally working on. In fact, a prototype of that project is in one of his pockets.

I am going to headcannon it, that the cluns run a program to drive out the Doduos.
Otherwise, finding feathers would not be such a privilege.

That is a much better guess than you might realize.

Not even a day passed since you first met that bird! Stop pretending to know [anything you don’t know], MC!

A good point, but not a flaw in his character design, so I'll opt to keep it in.

might 💪

What MC thinks, and

What Doduo perceives.
Looks like they are bonding a lot quicker than I expected!

Well, he isn't Doduo's actual owner or trainer, so it's mostly just Doduo following him around. Also, Gotan doesn't need much training as you will see evidence of both in this chapter and future ones.

Caught one! “in”

A woman using a fighting technique.
You mean an ordinary woman?! Even an ordinary man would have trouble doing such feat!

If Gotan had the temperament of a human woman. Gotan would use his talons to chop off Rick's hand for touching him so crudely. Since Gotan does NOT have the temperament of a human woman, Rick still has his hand. (Most real woman wouldn't really chop a guy's hand off it was an exaggeration for humor.)

Caught one! “in a conversation”

This one I disagree on. I think it works ok with or without the 'a'. Since it's easier for me to leave it, that's what I'll do.

Actually, I know exactly what you are talking about. *starts spinning while holding a rope, gets thrown into the sky, lands outside of a Pokémon Center*
i don't even play pokemon games to know what an "escape rope" is

Valid! Even though this isn't your typical mon world. (Despite how official lore seems to suggest otherwise)

I know someone who also has a knack for battling. Someone who also dismisses a [super interesting explanation], just for the sake of a battle. The name is Ash Ketchum.

A very interesting comparison. Quite appropriate!

Slacker confirmed! I guess my theory stands.
Either way, character flaws are great for the story.

Dude just hates spending time on yard work. With all the money he was supposed to have, he was looking forward to always paying other people to do it instead.

As I read the chapter, my jaw remained dropped at the mysteries of their world. I want to see if they truly have other Pokémon around.
For that, wonderful immersion!

If you liked that, there is a lot more where that came from in future chapters!

One thing I criticize, though. Dedicating full paragraphs to describe [club decorations and structure]. I will certainly forget most of it. Might be just me, though. Depends on how other reviewers perceive it.

Well, I have to describe the scene to at least some extent. Also, some of the club is tied to lore. I agree it is probably the weakest section of the chapter. I'm just not real sure what to do with it. (If there really is anything.)

Now I will finish my review in the most direct way possible:
Goodbye.

Seems like a rather dramatic way to end it, but ok!

Regarding soundtrack:
Thanks for all the comments on the soundtrack! It seems I did a good job with all of them for this chapter.

Regarding the TCG battle in blue:
Very interesting idea. I don't blame you for forfeiting though as it did look rather difficult to manage considering you had no real opponent in it. Perhaps you would like a real game in the forum based version of the Pokemon TCG? There is a topic for it here. K_S developed it and I've played some games there already. Probably not right now, though. After the blitz would be better.

As always, thanks for the review and I hope to see you back again later!

 

[Nekodatta]

Hi Tango, starting this blitz by continuing our review exchange!
Here's my review for chapter 6,7, and 8! (I kinda had to keep going after 7 lol)

Spoiler

Rugs connected to the lounge and main club room.

That seems like a fire hazard with low bowls filled with fire just sitting over them...

Suddenly, a young boy from the group of kids was reaching into one of the lit bowls!

What???

"Fantastic! I've been wanting burned variants!"

Lmao he's not letting any opportunity for research slip by!

The middle of it was covered by a another larger rug of a large flame-like icon that was symmetrical and almost too geometric to be recognized as flame. Along each side of the icon was row of small fire bowls.

... More fire hazard, I can't quite remember if that was how they actually were in the game...

I always found the ceiling to be an enjoyable spectacle since it had been styled to resemble the inside of a volcano. It stretched up as high as a three story building to the highest point in the middle where a small round opening was closed off by a window.

Oooh I really like this, such a cool idea! And with the 3/4 view we get in the games, I realised that one doesn't really think about how the ceiling of most places in the Pokémon world would look like, so that's a fun playing with perspective...

According to scientific discoveries, only deep-sea volcanoes were capable of eruption, but those eruptions hadn't been substantial enough to create another island in all of recorded history.

Well, that's convenient on one side, but also deep sea volcanoes I think are those with the most dangerous/destructive eruptions so... Not sure how convenient it is.
Also I sure hope this isn't foreshadowing of the totally not active volcanos on each islands exploding right now...

Broke Champion Takes Up Side-Gig of Doduo Feather-Collecting To Pay Bills!

Oh no, he got paparazzied

Things sure do change don't they? I bet if the the old you knew you would be asking me for a favor

Double "the"

He whittled me down over several turns until the game resulted in my first loss with the deck.

I was going to say that this first loss was treated a bit unceremoniously, but I hadn't read ahead yet, so in the context of the rest of the chapters and following scenes I'm not sure... I think it's fine. Describing it in too much details would have bogged down the chapter.

He attached fire energy to Vulpix and evolved it to Ninetales. His attack was Inferno for 10 damage without discarding energy.

I remember that Ninetales card! Also reading an evolved Pokémon doing ten damage and the various HP all the Pokémon cards have really makes it even more evident how much powercreep there's been lol

I could have sworn they were LIGHTNING Energy! But I couldn't deny the information right in front of my eyes... Awkward as this was, that was the moment I realized I had called them Lightning Energy my ENTIRE LIFE! In an effort to remain consistent, I decided to maintain my error and continue to refer to them as Lightning Energy. Besides, they sounded cooler that way.

Lol is this a little meta joke about you realizing the same thing while playing?

Something about his demeanor unsettled me... He reminded me of myself at that age.

Oooh, ominous.

Bill Inc. offered a prepaid service that advertised 100% successful coin-flips on all uses of "Bill's Teleporter". Clearly there must have been an issue with that 'service' since it failed the last several times I used it despite my monthly subscription!

Uh.... what??? So there's basically a pay to win system in place??

So here I was, champion of TCG Island, being tossed around again like trash from this overly-bloated scummy corporation. My disdain for large companies was profound indeed...

To be fair, he wouldn't be in that position if he hadn't decided on this self imposed challenge of having to rely on cards that use coin flips... So him then cheating with it stands out to me even more. I mean.... You kinda brought this on yourself, Champ.

Now the clubs opened at a reasonable 11:00am and closed at 8:00pm.

That would be horrible for me lol, I would feel like I don't have much free time because 11:00 am is still early enough that I can't do much in the morning and by the time you get home, cook and do stuff the evening is pretty much gone

You have a really weird Doduo! Gotan looked like he wanted very badly to eat that pizza despite how he could clearly not even come close to tolerating it."

This isn't the first time that Gotan has done very not Doduo things. My current theory is that Gotan is a human that was transformed into a Doduo somehow, and that's why they still sometimes act after their human instincts...
Now, why or how this happened... No idea...

But Doctor Wem didn't teach there anymore... No one even knew where she was these days.

Ooh, Doctor Wem is missing? Interesting...

Cards. I needed cards! I played the teleporter first: tails... How did a card with a 50% chance of working fail over 75% of the time?!

Mood

Rick was scribbling notes furiously on his note pad with one hand. His other arm was propping the notepad up while directing the vacuum to suck up the many feathers from Gotan. All while only looking at his notepad. His ability to multitask was admittedly impressive.

It really is. Also I really liked this description because it painted a perfectly clear image in my mind, step by step. I'm taking notes, my descriptions feel definitely lacking lately...

Gotan scrapped himself off the floor.

I think it's supposed to be "scraped"

Oh why had I not purchased one sooner!? Now all they had were those dumb Doduo-themed fans!

I really, really hope they work by having the two heads rotate helicopter style

Let us be thankful for our benevolent AI ruler, the oracle!

Wait, they have an AI ruling them? But I guess they actually managed to avoid the possible pitfalls of creating an AI that doesn't turn evil, or is incredibly dumb, or incredibly literal in executing its orders, or hallucinates stuff, so... Good for them, I suppose.

So, these three chapters felt quite important both from a character point of view and from a wordlbuilding one, with lots of little hints getting dropped of things happening in the world at large, with the mention of Doduo disappearing and so on.
One thing I admittedly am not sure how to feel about is the matter of Gentleman cheating to get 100% head flips on those cards. It feels like a fun little part of world building to try and think of all the implications of it, but I'm not sure how the fic is framing Gentleman for it, if it's supposed to be a "look, the main character is not as cool/gentlemanly as he looks", or brushing it aside as not a big deal.
Because for me it's definitely the former, or at least what I would expect the fic to do.
The reveal that he's been cheating the whole time did make me lose some points for him in my eyes, especially because, in universe, no one is forcing him to use those two specific cards.
It's a self imposed challenge, everyone else in response could simply shrug and go "then don't use those two cards if you don't want to deal with their effects, bro".
The fact that the cheating hasn't actually been working isn't the point, and feels a bit like an excuse. (Even if it adds to the mystery of why it's been happening)
If I enter a marathon and decide to take steroids to win, and then it turns out those steroids were a placebo and I still miserably lose the race, I still did it with the intention of cheating and being fully aware that I was cheating.
So if showing this side of the character is intentional, great, otherwise I would at least be aware that with this revelation Gentleman is going to possibly look very differently from intended to readers!

 

[Tango]

Hi Tango, starting this blitz by continuing our review exchange!
Here's my review for chapter 6,7, and 8! (I kinda had to keep going after 7 lol)

Nice! I'll need to get that next chapter for you posted soon. (Won't be tonight though)

Spoiler

That seems like a fire hazard with low bowls filled with fire just sitting over them...

Blame the game design on that one

Lmao he's not letting any opportunity for research slip by!

Yes, but these burned variants are actually important to the project he is working on that involves those feathers. Just figured I'd sneak an extra tidbit of info in there!

... More fire hazard, I can't quite remember if that was how they actually were in the game...

It was. All the clubs are how they appear in the 2nd game.

Oooh I really like this, such a cool idea! And with the 3/4 view we get in the games, I realised that one doesn't really think about how the ceiling of most places in the Pokémon world would look like, so that's a fun playing with perspective...

Yeah I've done this with the other clubs too. (Well, not the Science Club because the ceiling there would have been boring.)

Well, that's convenient on one side, but also deep sea volcanoes I think are those with the most dangerous/destructive eruptions so... Not sure how convenient it is.
Also I sure hope this isn't foreshadowing of the totally not active volcanos on each islands exploding right now...

Maybe. But what if it isn't foreshadowing? What sorts of things might that tell you?

Oh no, he got paparazzied

Yep!

Double "the"

I was going to say that this first loss was treated a bit unceremoniously, but I hadn't read ahead yet, so in the context of the rest of the chapters and following scenes I'm not sure... I think it's fine. Describing it in too much details would have bogged down the chapter.

I remember that Ninetales card! Also reading an evolved Pokémon doing ten damage and the various HP all the Pokémon cards have really makes it even more evident how much powercreep there's been lol

Good to see you noticed. Powercreep is a topic that will actually come up in Book Two!

Lol is this a little meta joke about you realizing the same thing while playing?

Yeah! 🤣

Oooh, ominous.

Yep!

Uh.... what??? So there's basically a pay to win system in place??

Only for Bill's Teleporter. Its an official system that anyone can use. (Spoiler: the service doesn't work properly. The meta reason is because I played without cheats. The story reason is something else.)

To be fair, he wouldn't be in that position if he hadn't decided on this self imposed challenge of having to rely on cards that use coin flips... So him then cheating with it stands out to me even more. I mean.... You kinda brought this on yourself, Champ.

Yes and no. He needed to make the strongest deck he could and those cards were essential when he was missing things like Professor Oak and Computer Search. Losing games due to coin-flips on cards that shouldn't need them is kind of bull crap. Even so, I'm sure other readers will also take that stance. I'm probably just going to have to reply and defend every time someone comments on it. I have reasons for not wanting to change this aspect of the fic even if it makes him lose some points with the readers.

That would be horrible for me lol, I would feel like I don't have much free time because 11:00 am is still early enough that I can't do much in the morning and by the time you get home, cook and do stuff the evening is pretty much gone

Yeah it's not objectively better. It's just what he prefers.

This isn't the first time that Gotan has done very not Doduo things. My current theory is that Gotan is a human that was transformed into a Doduo somehow, and that's why they still sometimes act after their human instincts...
Now, why or how this happened... No idea...

You are far closer to the truth than you might think. Your deduction skills are craaazy!

Ooh, Doctor Wem is missing? Interesting...

Yep!

Mood

It really is. Also I really liked this description because it painted a perfectly clear image in my mind, step by step. I'm taking notes, my descriptions feel definitely lacking lately...

I think it's supposed to be "scraped"

I really, really hope they work by having the two heads rotate helicopter style

Hmm! Yeah! That will be my head-canon. I'll probably add that in as a detail at some point!

Wait, they have an AI ruling them? But I guess they actually managed to avoid the possible pitfalls of creating an AI that doesn't turn evil, or is incredibly dumb, or incredibly literal in executing its orders, or hallucinates stuff, so... Good for them, I suppose.

Indeed. The reason their island is such a nice place to live is due to their AI. No corrupt government around to screw crap up.

So, these three chapters felt quite important both from a character point of view and from a wordlbuilding one, with lots of little hints getting dropped of things happening in the world at large, with the mention of Doduo disappearing and so on.

Indeed!

One thing I admittedly am not sure how to feel about is the matter of Gentleman cheating to get 100% head flips on those cards. It feels like a fun little part of world building to try and think of all the implications of it, but I'm not sure how the fic is framing Gentleman for it, if it's supposed to be a "look, the main character is not as cool/gentlemanly as he looks", or brushing it aside as not a big deal.
Because for me it's definitely the former, or at least what I would expect the fic to do.
The reveal that he's been cheating the whole time did make me lose some points for him in my eyes, especially because, in universe, no one is forcing him to use those two specific cards.
It's a self imposed challenge, everyone else in response could simply shrug and go "then don't use those two cards if you don't want to deal with their effects, bro".
The fact that the cheating hasn't actually been working isn't the point, and feels a bit like an excuse. (Even if it adds to the mystery of why it's been happening)
If I enter a marathon and decide to take steroids to win, and then it turns out those steroids were a placebo and I still miserably lose the race, I still did it with the intention of cheating and being fully aware that I was cheating.
So if showing this side of the character is intentional, great, otherwise I would at least be aware that with this revelation Gentleman is going to possibly look very differently from intended to readers!

Well, I already explain the one for Bill's Teleporter. But getting Gambler to be influenced is a legit criticism of his willingness to cheat in that regard. I'll defend him by saying his unrestricted decks are designed to not use cards with coin-flips. He hates coin-flips and only deals with them because card draw is such an essential factor for any deck to have. Yes some of the attacks on his mon use coin-flips, but not the really important ones. Also, the payoff for 'Gambler' will not be working. The meta reason is that I played without cheats but the story reason will be something else entirely.

 

[Goolix]

Chapter 6 time!

Sixth Sense
Sensational Secret Scoop

Broke Champion Takes Up Side-Gig of Doduo Feather-Collecting To Pay Bills!​

The Champion was sighted on main-street with Science Leader Rick in a sad and desperate attempt to make ends meet!

Their plan? To shadow a random Doduo all day to collect feathers to sell!

Rick was hard at work with his vacuum trying to train the Champion on vacuum techniques!

Our Champion, full of despair that no one will duel him anymore, barely had his heart in trying to learn...

To donate to our champion relief fund, please contact our office. Operators are standing by.

I was dying at "champion relief fund." Absolutely the sort of thing a gossipy rag would post. And I love how much it bothers our protagonist while Rick is just shrugging at it. Well, Rick's not the one being attacked, is he? But this is also some good in-universe evidence that the Champion is someone important enough that it would be scandalous to imagine him reduced to hawking Doduo feathers from "a random Doduo" to make ends meet!

Ah, the Fire Club. My early days with the Pokemon TCG were spent there. Back then, 'Mister Gentleman' had been a way to appear more important. Amusingly, I seemed to have grown into it rather well!

That's cute; you can imagine a young version of himself reaching for the more serious, sophisticated title he could aspire to and coming up with "Mister Gentleman."

There was only one change since my last visit: a vending machine in the corner full of electric handheld fans.

Well, that's thoughtful in a room constantly lit by open flames. But really, they should give these away for free!

Gotan screeched, dashed around a few seconds, and savagely beat his head into the floor to put out the flames! This sent the boy into an uncontrollable laughing fit, causing him to forget all about touching the flame.

It even got a chuckle out of me...

Gotan appeared happy. Was it from lighting his own head on fire or was it from potentially helping a child? Likely the former... Crazy bird...

They let kids into this gym? Clearly no concern for safety in this world! Except for Gotan, out here doing the work saving children by entertaining himself.

The protagonist seems to not really understand Gotan. I suppose he is trying to avoid anthropomorphizing Gotan, and he's understandably never met another Pokemon before. But it's still sad when Gotan clearly has so many good intentions! I'm really looking forward to him understanding Gotan better, and knowing more about Gotan's backstory.

I always found the ceiling to be an enjoyable spectacle since it had been styled to resemble the inside of a volcano. It stretched up as high as a three story building to the highest point in the middle where a small round opening was closed off by a window.

Well that's stylish. Gotta say that these clubs put in an effort to impress.

The club occupied a corner of our vaguely square-shaped island and attached to the side of our land's only volcano. While it always contained lava and produced rings of smoke, there were no historical records of eruption. The same held true for the one on GR Island and the one on Neo Island. According to scientific discoveries, only deep-sea volcanoes were capable of eruption, but those eruptions hadn't been substantial enough to create another island in all of recorded history.

Hmm... I wonder if this will have something to do with the backstory about the Pokemon that used to live there.

His eyes widened with a furrowed brow as he leaned in closely and whispered, "I think Johnathan recently surpassed me. As leader I can't let that become known. I've been telling him I go easy on him in duels, but I need to knock him down a peg... Do an old buddy a favor?"

Ken! How are you getting surpassed by an eleven-year-old? Is he some sort of card prodigy?

High praise! I tried to think of a way to humbly refute it, but everything he said was technically the truth.

He's smug and his picture can't hide it.

Our four-prize duel began. John used Arcanine, Ninetales, Rapidash, and Magmar. The setup of the game went abysmally. I lacked energy for any viable attack options even though I had Doduo, Porygon, and a Voltorb. My gambler card failed the coin-flip so I was unable to draw enough cards. By the time I managed to take down his Magmar he had too much momentum and I wasn't drawing enough cards to compensate. He whittled me down over several turns until the game resulted in my first loss with the deck.

Ah, the first loss! It's good to see that the Champion can lose with this deck! It's still a game with a big luck element, after all. And it has the side effect of making John extra intolerable!

Jonathan shook his head. "I wouldn't get too full of yourself there, John. Do you really think that's what the Champion's deck is made of? I think it's pretty obvious how unlucky he was in that duel. If you want to brag, do it after beating him two more times in a row."

Thankfully Johnathon (you missed an h there - you have spelled it with an 'h' otherwise) has goaded John on to win a second time. Let's see how the Champion fares this time.

Useless on it's own, but could be used later to potentially fetch another Voltorb! I KOed his Meowth with Group Spark and claimed my prize:
Pokemon Trader

AH! Not much better luck apparently! If looks could kill...

On his turn he stood up and twirled about like a balarina before sitting back down and playing Bill. Few things were as obnoxious as that...

"balarina" should be "ballerina." John comes across as delightfully silly and arrogant in this whole exchange. I am imagining him doing a twirl with a card in his hand and as he rotates to face the desk again, he falls to his knees and slaps that Bill. He lives for the drama...

I could have sworn they were LIGHTNING Energy! But I couldn't deny the information right in front of my eyes... Awkward as this was, that was the moment I realized I had called them Lightning Energy my ENTIRE LIFE! In an effort to remain consistent, I decided to maintain my error and continue to refer to them as Lightning Energy. Besides, they sounded cooler that way.

He's gotten Mandela Effect'd!! This is so funny, actually, that he became the champion somehow confused about lightning and electric energy. That's true power... Is this something that happened to you? It feels like a real thing that would happen.

Jonathan now stood clam and relaxed before me. Clearly, he was unbothered by the losses of the other club members...

"So, Mister Gentleman, looks like it's time. I've watched how you played to get a feel for your deck. I look forward to our duel."

Something about his demeanor unsettled me... He reminded me of myself at that age.

So, in the beginning you spell his name 'Johnathan' and here and another time you spell it with no 'h'. Not sure which one you meant to use.
But spelling aside! We end on a tantalizing note. You've been building up Jonathan throughout this whole chapter as someone so serious that the Champion's old rival is concerned he's overtaking him and asks him to beat him down. Jonathan is also quite fair to the champion in pointing out to John that the Champion had a truly sour turn of luck. I'm looking forward to seeing the kind of challenge Jonathan poses, since he's obviously been studying his tactics and deck.

 

[Tango]

Chapter 6 time!

Yay! Thanks Goolix!

I was dying at "champion relief fund." Absolutely the sort of thing a gossipy rag would post. And I love how much it bothers our protagonist while Rick is just shrugging at it. Well, Rick's not the one being attacked, is he?

A good point.

But this is also some good in-universe evidence that the Champion is someone important enough that it would be scandalous to imagine him reduced to hawking Doduo feathers from "a random Doduo" to make ends meet!

Yeah, I was pretty happy about it when I came up with the idea!

That's cute; you can imagine a young version of himself reaching for the more serious, sophisticated title he could aspire to and coming up with "Mister Gentleman."

You'll love the picture later on that shows him as a kid then.

Well, that's thoughtful in a room constantly lit by open flames. But really, they should give these away for free!

Huh. I'm almost tempted to make that a thing. I wouldn't put it past TCG Island to do stuff like that.

They let kids into this gym? Clearly no concern for safety in this world! Except for Gotan, out here doing the work saving children by entertaining himself.

Yeah seriously. But I just work with what the game gives me.

The protagonist seems to not really understand Gotan. I suppose he is trying to avoid anthropomorphizing Gotan, and he's understandably never met another Pokemon before.

My headcanon is that he has at least met other Doduo before, but other Doduo are not quite like Gotan...

But it's still sad when Gotan clearly has so many good intentions! I'm really looking forward to him understanding Gotan better, and knowing more about Gotan's backstory.

Funny you should mention that. Book Three will be partly about Gotan's origins.

Well that's stylish. Gotta say that these clubs put in an effort to impress.

Yeah, I figured there was ONE place I could design apart from the games: the ceilings!

Hmm... I wonder if this will have something to do with the backstory about the Pokemon that used to live there.

You know, in a way, it actually does.

Ken! How are you getting surpassed by an eleven-year-old? Is he some sort of card prodigy?

Ken has been trying to branch out his strategies and it's been making him a bit weaker.(Not weaker than his canon deck in the game. It's my headcanon that Ken used to be stronger. Actually, he was stronger in the original game, comparatively, so I guess you could argue it's canon.) Also, Jonathan is the strongest member in the club (and better than Ken in the second game, in my opinion).

He's smug and his picture can't hide it.

...yeah...

Ah, the first loss! It's good to see that the Champion can lose with this deck!

From a narrative perspective, absolutely. But when I lost at this point in the lets play I started doubting how far I could realistically get with the deck. I wasn't used to relying on coin-flips for card draw and if it weren't for the challenge aspect of it, I never would have ran that deck. I actually detest coin-flips and try to avoid any deck that needs to rely on them. Mister Gentleman's disdain for coin-flips comes directly from me.

It's still a game with a big luck element, after all. And it has the side effect of making John extra intolerable!

So, when I crafted the story for Book One, I already had the results of the various duels, so I was able to plan the results into the narrative. I think I made pretty good use of the losses for the most part since some of those can be the most interesting.

Thankfully Johnathon (you missed an h there - you have spelled it with an 'h' otherwise) has goaded John on to win a second time. Let's see how the Champion fares this time.

Thanks, I had to go back and revise his name everywhere. It seems I had no clue how his name was spelled. For the record, it's supposed to be 'Jonathan'.

AH! Not much better luck apparently! If looks could kill...

Yeah, I he was grumpy that duel!

"balarina" should be "ballerina."

John comes across as delightfully silly and arrogant in this whole exchange. I am imagining him doing a twirl with a card in his hand and as he rotates to face the desk again, he falls to his knees and slaps that Bill. He lives for the drama...

That he does.

He's gotten Mandela Effect'd!! This is so funny, actually, that he became the champion somehow confused about lightning and electric energy. That's true power... Is this something that happened to you? It feels like a real thing that would happen.

So this was not in the original. This was added by me waaaay after the fact when I did, in fact, get Mandela Effected!

We end on a tantalizing note. You've been building up Jonathan throughout this whole chapter as someone so serious that the Champion's old rival is concerned he's overtaking him and asks him to beat him down.

Jonathan is the strongest regular club member on TCG Island. I also consider him stronger than some of the Club Masters. He isn't stronger than the former Champion, though.

Jonathan is also quite fair to the champion in pointing out to John that the Champion had a truly sour turn of luck. I'm looking forward to seeing the kind of challenge Jonathan poses, since he's obviously been studying his tactics and deck.

Yep, I added that in to help explain what's about to happen next time!

Thanks so much for the review! Can't wait to see you again next time!

 

[Slayerofthewind]

Woooooo!!! I'm very excited to get reading on your fic!! Also also, in honor of you reading my long chapter, I know you're not a fan of that, so I'm gonna read through your first two chaps!

Spoiler: My prologue reactions

Diary:

April 3rd

Ooo, the diary format is cool.

I’m now officially the TCG Island Champion! My slew of wins against countless opponents in the Pokemon Trading Card Game allowed me to challenge and defeat the now-former Champion, Ronald.

OKAY -- Huge disclaimer on my part, just like you didn't know anything about Z-A and XY, I confess that I don't know anything about the TCG meta at all so bare with me if I make a few dumb-dumb comments haha!!

I'll need to look my best for the tutoring session with Billy, the 6 year old boy

Ah, yes, Billy, the most prestigious 6-year-old boy. I am getting goofy vibes from the MC in that he becomes the Champion and is now instantly beholden to tutoring small rich children. Yes, this is exactly what your victory lap should be. He's gotta afford that new mortgage on his house lol.

Now, some may question why a Champion such as myself would stoop to tutoring. In truth, I grew bored with beating opponents on our Island, so it seemed like the perfect diversion!

I find this characterization to be a bit odd to me in that in the previous diary entry, MC has only just become Champion and appears to be somewhat baffled that his skills are unique.

Apparently being this good at the TCG is not easy to emulate! Perhaps graduating with highest honors from Pokemon Card Elite University gave me an edge?

^^ The previous diary entry line in question I'm referring to. I get that he's humble bragging in the other sections of the first diary entry, but this line doesn't read that way.

Then, two days later, he's suddenly bored with opponents and has a much more nuanced view of became Champion? But how can he be bored and also seemingly not aware of how his skills are unique? Because not knowing their unique implies he believes there to be tons of other trainers out there who could theoretically match him. It's not that major of a thing, but it's just a little odd that it's a shift in his perspective so quickly.

Billy held his arms out. "Like the TV show I watched with Holograms!"

Oh, dear Mew... not THAT again!

Kids really DO be like that!!

Amazing? Was my skill really that hard to attain?

Oop-- he's flip flopping on this again.

I snapped my fingers. "There is one species of Pokemon that lives in our world with us as a creature instead of just as cards!"

Billy held his head in both his hands. "OOO! What is it? What IS it?!"

I replied with a confident grin, "That, my boy, would be Doduo."

Wait, wait, this is really interesting. Why is Doduo the only Pokemon that exists in real life in this verse, but there's enough Pokemon TCG love in verse that there's a whole island an several universities dedicated to it? I am super curious

"If you have a Doduo companion and use a Doduo card in a duel, your real-life Doduo will take attacks from your opponents cards!"

Ok I'm assuming this is something you created or is there an actual TCG game like this?

He squinted. "Wait a minute! How come there are only turkey-birds but no other Pokemon in our world?"

I brought a fist to my chin. "A good question. According to history, Doduo appeared about two-hundred years ago. There was no prior historical record of them."

He nodded to himself. "You know. I think I figured it out! They must be aliens from outer space!"

I laughed. "Oh, Billy. You've been watching too many shows. Psychics determined aliens don't exist, and that was centuries ago."

Yes, Billy, ask the questions we all want to know!!! Doduo appearing out of no where as the only Pokemon in verse and seemingly coming into being outside of Darwinism evolution and people just going, "Yeah, that's fine," is hilarious to me.

I'm laughing at the fact that he's like, "No, no you silly billy, Billy! Aliens aren't real! The psychics told us!" Very funny sentence LOLOLOL!!

Also, this entire thing begs the question of "what came first? The chicken or the egg?" when it came to Doduo. In that what came first? Pokemon or Doduo? Meaning if Doduo exist for more than 200 years, does the concept of Pokemon exist for more than 200 years? Or is this essentially like someone made a game 20 years ago of magical monsters and then inexplicably added "Chicken, it's just a Chicken guys, but it evolves into a magic monster." Because how do they know it's a Pokemon and that the other "made up" Pokemon are also Pokemon? Interested to see how your world building will address this eventually ...or if this is just baked in lore to the video game ver of TCG LOL I have no idea!! Shhhhh let me enjoy my silly world building musing tangents even if it's just the cannon lore lmao.

I had little in the ways of liquid assets, so the only thing I could quickly tap into was my vast collection of rare and uncommon cards! Had I known I was going to need more money quickly I would not have paid my mortgage off last month! Such ridiculously attrocious luck! As if fate itself conspired to make me struggle!

At least my home is permanently mine now... I heard the other islands have a horrible thing called real estate tax! Having no money to pay it would let the government steal ones entire house away! All from failing to pay a tax a mere fraction of the total value! Clearly, the other islands were barbaric places with only the worst sorts of government mankind could possibly produce...

Oh yes, taxes, the root of all evil! Very funny that his biggest problem is over spending.

From that point on, I would use only common cards in my decks!

That meant no uncommon cards, rare cards, or promo cards! Over half the cards in the game, most of which were the strongest cards, would be unavailable! Sure, I could have allowed myself to use uncommons, but I doubted it would be enough... It needed to be absurd... It needed to be completely unprecedented and insane!

That's interesting 🤔 I know nothing about TCG, but I'm assuming that's a pretty big handicap. I enjoy when characters have to puzzle through issues with competence and smarts vs OP person doing OP thing. Make them struggle, but their strategy and actual talent shines through despite all odds!!

Besides... IF such a plan worked, how impressive and prestigious would that be?

I am enjoying how he's just very full of himself.

Spoiler: Chapter 1 reactions

Speaking of birds, sometimes one would even catch wild Doduo cutting through!

OKAY BUT I GOTTA KNOW!! If there's no other Pokemon than Doduo, then when you say catch do you mean like with a net or with a Pokeball? Because I kinda love both ideas -- that there are no Pokeballs so they're just going at them with nets, and the idea that Pokeballs were invented specifically and only for Doduo.

The various clubs on the outside were never anything special. I supposed they didn't need to advertise since the Pokemon TCG was already the biggest source of entertainment and way of life in the world.

I am sure this is just the video game TCG lore, but damn, TCG has taken over the world wow!! I love the idea that the whole world is hyper specifically interested in a card game.

With my fine attire, I would never be caught without my red compact tarp! I unfolded and spread it over our duel area. As a matter of respect to my opponents, my tarp was always big enough for both players and their cards, plus a little wiggle room for stretching and placing one's hands on the floor to lean back.

Very funny that he's too fancy to want to want to sit on the ground, and yet, all duals are done on the ground! He must carry around a compact steamer or something to constantly iron out the wrinkles his suit must accumulate per-battle.

Brittany cringed. "Yeah... I guess that's one reason to prefer the floor... Those stall-out deck noob-bashers always duel at the tables where they can tolerate sitting longer. I'll take a sore butt ANY day over having to deal with another one of THOSE duels!"

OUCH RIP people with leg injuries, you have been barred from TCG HAHAHAAHAHA!!! Got bad knees? Oof, too bad for you.

Brittany dragged the fingers of both hands across her face. "Why are ALL your coin-flips heads?! Nooo! Now my Weedle can't retreat or attack for an entire turn! At least the paralysis will go away when I end my turn..."

RNG wizard power is OP.

Brittany nodded while smiling. "Awesome! When you use this deck I can actually KO your mon!"

Precocious child being precocious!! Also, go Brittany!!

She then reached into her pocket and pulled out the two booster packs to give me as my prize. They would fetch a fine price indeed at the local card shop!

Okay, I am now wondering so much about what the economy of this world is like? Because a booster back in our world typically goes for around $4-8 (I looked it up), so if Mr. Money Man With Debts thinks that two single booster packs will fetch a fine price, then how much do packs sell for? I'm guessing not $10-16 lol. Are cards a rare commodity in this world? How much did MC's new deck and Champion deck cost to build in verse?

Overall, my main major critique is that you have a tendency to write in a "tell not show" manner, but that's something you can very easily work on! For example, one way to work on that would be to add in more descriptions to service the narrative and set the scenes. Which means, le gasp, a higher word count per chapter! Hehehehe!! Uno reverse card!! But all jokes aside, I really do think it would add a lot of color to your battles and character interactions if you added a bit more prose.

I enjoyed what I read so far! I think you have some good bones here, and I really like how stuffy and particular the MC is lol. Seeing a Champion as the main character is always a treat and something I find interesting to read about! It offers an alternate perspective to the typical game progression format that's a compelling take to explore in fanfics. I also really found it funny that MC's biggest enemy is apparently having issues with children given how many kids he's unsure of how to deal with popping up left and right. I also love the Doduo love, and am interested to see how Doduo eventually comes into play with the MC. The artwork is also wonderful!! Really a treat to see so much great art intergraded into the work! Really fun story!!

 

[Tango]

Woooooo!!! I'm very excited to get reading on your fic!! Also also, in honor of you reading my long chapter, I know you're not a fan of that, so I'm gonna read through your first two chaps!

Wow! Thanks a bunch!

Spoiler: My prologue reactions

OKAY -- Huge disclaimer on my part, just like you didn't know anything about Z-A and XY, I confess that I don't know anything about the TCG meta at all so bare with me if I make a few dumb-dumb comments haha!!

Most people don't. That's ok. I expect that and have tried to write the fic in a way that lets people completely new to it still be able to enjoy it.

Ah, yes, Billy, the most prestigious 6-year-old boy. I am getting goofy vibes from the MC in that he becomes the Champion and is now instantly beholden to tutoring small rich children. Yes, this is exactly what your victory lap should be. He's gotta afford that new mortgage on his house lol.

Only so many jobs that directly involve the Pokemon TCG like that. MC is quite a bit specialized in that regard...

I find this characterization to be a bit odd to me in that in the previous diary entry, MC has only just become Champion and appears to be somewhat baffled that his skills are unique.

^^ The previous diary entry line in question I'm referring to. I get that he's humble bragging in the other sections of the first diary entry, but this line doesn't read that way.

Then, two days later, he's suddenly bored with opponents and has a much more nuanced view of became Champion? But how can he be bored and also seemingly not aware of how his skills are unique? Because not knowing their unique implies he believes there to be tons of other trainers out there who could theoretically match him. It's not that major of a thing, but it's just a little odd that it's a shift in his perspective so quickly.

This is some amazing information you have pointed out. It's spot on!

This prompted me to go back and adjust things. The emphasis is now more like this: "I'm the Champion? How? That was too easy... All that effort? All that time? To win just like that? The sacrifices I made... were they for nothing?"(Not verbatim. I'm just conveying the vibe) It kind of shifts the tone a bit, but I think it works a little better that way, especially with his thoughts in chapter 1.

Wait, wait, this is really interesting. Why is Doduo the only Pokemon that exists in real life in this verse, but there's enough Pokemon TCG love in verse that there's a whole island an several universities dedicated to it? I am super curious

The meta reason is because Doduo was the punching bag of the deck and my silly commentary on my lets play morphed into Doduo just being a bird there with him. It eventually led to it becoming this entire fic.

The story reason is far more interesting but is one of the things that isn't revealed until way later in the series.

Ok I'm assuming this is something you created or is there an actual TCG game like this?

This is something I created. It started as a joke, much like my fic. But I took the joke and made it real and the why behind it is wild.

Yes, Billy, ask the questions we all want to know!!! Doduo appearing out of no where as the only Pokemon in verse and seemingly coming into being outside of Darwinism evolution and people just going, "Yeah, that's fine," is hilarious to me.

It had to be asked and that's part of why Billy is there. Billy is formed from the minds of reviewers like you! (Not literally, that's just the meta reason. I felt like that needed to be said considering some of the crazy stuff in my fic lol)

I'm laughing at the fact that he's like, "No, no you silly billy, Billy! Aliens aren't real! The psychics told us!" Very funny sentence LOLOLOL!!

Yeah I got a chuckle out of that when I wrote it too! I'm glad the humor lands!

Also, this entire thing begs the question of "what came first? The chicken or the egg?" when it came to Doduo. In that what came first? Pokemon or Doduo?

Pokemon cards came first. Then came Doduo.

Meaning if Doduo exist for more than 200 years, does the concept of Pokemon exist for more than 200 years? Or is this essentially like someone made a game 20 years ago of magical monsters and then inexplicably added "Chicken, it's just a Chicken guys, but it evolves into a magic monster." Because how do they know it's a Pokemon and that the other "made up" Pokemon are also Pokemon? Interested to see how your world building will address this eventually ...or if this is just baked in lore to the video game ver of TCG LOL I have no idea!! Shhhhh let me enjoy my silly world building musing tangents even if it's just the cannon lore lmao.

I love it when people try to figure the lore out and develop theories!

Oh yes, taxes, the root of all evil! Very funny that his biggest problem is over spending.

Yep!

That's interesting 🤔 I know nothing about TCG, but I'm assuming that's a pretty big handicap. I enjoy when characters have to puzzle through issues with competence and smarts vs OP person doing OP thing. Make them struggle, but their strategy and actual talent shines through despite all odds!!

Oh trust me, it is a very big handicap!

I am enjoying how he's just very full of himself.

I think the changes I made to the prologue reverse that slightly, but hopefully he is still plenty enjoyable.

Spoiler: Chapter 1 reactions

OKAY BUT I GOTTA KNOW!! If there's no other Pokemon than Doduo, then when you say catch do you mean like with a net or with a Pokeball? Because I kinda love both ideas -- that there are no Pokeballs so they're just going at them with nets, and the idea that Pokeballs were invented specifically and only for Doduo.

Wow, my wording there did NOT do me any favors! I reworded it from catch to saw. I wasn't intending to indicate people were catching Doduo, just catching sight of them. Also, there are no Pokeballs in their world.

I am sure this is just the video game TCG lore, but damn, TCG has taken over the world wow!! I love the idea that the whole world is hyper specifically interested in a card game.

Inside the game is like that, so I had the world copy it. Trying to explain it is interesting and is one of the core things I will address with the series.

Very funny that he's too fancy to want to want to sit on the ground, and yet, all duals are done on the ground! He must carry around a compact steamer or something to constantly iron out the wrinkles his suit must accumulate per-battle.

Yeah, I wouldn't put it past him. I'm making that my headcanon now!

OUCH RIP people with leg injuries, you have been barred from TCG HAHAHAAHAHA!!! Got bad knees? Oof, too bad for you.

People are used to it... sort of. But seriously, they don't have any tables in the game! I was like whaaaat?

RNG wizard power is OP.

But RNG is a cruel mistress. Her scorn can topple even the mightiest of duelists. (RNG is not an actual character in the fic lol... I had to explain or you might think otherwise with how weird my fic is)

Precocious child being precocious!! Also, go Brittany!!

Yeah, she made for a nice first opponent.

Okay, I am now wondering so much about what the economy of this world is like? Because a booster back in our world typically goes for around $4-8 (I looked it up), so if Mr. Money Man With Debts thinks that two single booster packs will fetch a fine price, then how much do packs sell for? I'm guessing not $10-16 lol. Are cards a rare commodity in this world? How much did MC's new deck and Champion deck cost to build in verse?

Oh no... This is the question I do not want to answer. Because if I do, it just opens up a can of worms that I want to stay closed. I'll say this: booster packs are worth way more in their world than they are in ours.

Overall, my main major critique is that you have a tendency to write in a "tell not show" manner, but that's something you can very easily work on! For example, one way to work on that would be to add in more descriptions to service the narrative and set the scenes.

I wrote it as good as I could so far. I lack the experience to understand and implement what you mean... but I understand that your fic is written better. I'd like mine to get better like yours, but I haven't been able to develop my skill enough yet. I started as a first time author in March of this year... I've been trying really hard though! You should see the old alpha version of my fic. It was really really cringe!

Which means, le gasp, a higher word count per chapter! Hehehehe!! Uno reverse card!!

Oof! You got me!

But that's part of why I try to make my chapters so small. It helps when I need to add more content to them to improve.

But all jokes aside, I really do think it would add a lot of color to your battles and character interactions if you added a bit more prose.

Would love to. I just have no idea how.

I enjoyed what I read so far!

That means a lot to me, thanks!

I think you have some good bones here, and I really like how stuffy and particular the MC is lol.

These bones were supposed to be the full thing. Alas, this is the best I can currently do, but I would like to learn to do better.

Seeing a Champion as the main character is always a treat and something I find interesting to read about! It offers an alternate perspective to the typical game progression format that's a compelling take to explore in fanfics. I also really found it funny that MC's biggest enemy is apparently having issues with children given how many kids he's unsure of how to deal with popping up left and right. I also love the Doduo love, and am interested to see how Doduo eventually comes into play with the MC. The artwork is also wonderful!! Really a treat to see so much great art intergraded into the work! Really fun story!!

The writing may not get better later in the fic (it's kind of the same level) but the story and fic gets better as it goes in my opinion!

Thank you for the great review! I'd love if you popped back in again later. I'm considering going back for the 18k monstrosity of your chapter 2...

 

[Goolix]

Okay, take two after the forum ate my quotes! Chapter 7!
This chapter raises the stakes by having our protagonist lose again. He's skilled, but he's not invincible.

Rick frowned. "No feathers in this game, huh... What an abysmal performance too. If you hadn't won so many games with it already, I never would have guessed you were the champion..."

Rick has no loyalty, huh 😭

'Bill Inc.' A mega-corporation with ties into just about every aspect of modern life. As of late, it had acquired gambling institutions on both TCG island and GR Island. It's only real competitor, 'Eyetech Inc.', from Neo Island, played a relatively minor role by comparison.

For some reason, Bill Inc. is responsible for the results of coin flips for the 'Bill's Teleporter' and 'Gambler' TCG cards. Without successful coin-flips, those cards failed to perform their effects. There were other cards that required coin-flips too, but only those were affected by Bill Inc.

As for the coins flipped, they were always performed with special official Pokemon TCG coins. Those coins had a wireless internet link which served to monitor coin-flips to prevent cheating and link to Bill Inc. for 'Gambler' and 'Bill's Teleporter'. Bill Inc. sent wireless signals to the coins to trigger the micro anti-gravity devices in them to influence the result of the flips.

Bill Inc. offered a prepaid service that advertised 100% successful coin-flips on all uses of "Bill's Teleporter". Clearly there must have been an issue with that 'service' since it failed the last several times I used it despite my monthly subscription!

Now it was time for perhaps the least fun aspect of being an adult... calling a business with phone prompts and hold times...

I'm guessing this is related to the scientist Bill from the games? Is this a canonical part of the games? I'm guessing the part where you can pay to fix your coin tosses isn't :P but it's not a bad service to offer! It would make sense to me that professionals would want to minimize the role of chance and if the makers of the game could change it, well, why not make some money off it? It also feels like a real life thing that might be controversial, like turbo controllers for speedrunning. If the consortium or whoever runs the game decides it's cool, it's cool.

Since I'm pretty sure our protagonist has lost coin tosses before, I think it would make sense for it to be mentioned a little earlier. Like a mention about how his subscription for 100% coin flips only works 70% of the time so he should only be paying 70% of the cost, something off-handed. That way when he starts losing because of bad flips in the Fire Club, it goes from "meh, an annoying problem" to "OK, we gotta do something about this because this is getting ridiculous!" And then that draws the reader in to like "ah, like what he mentioned before!"

When I inquired about a refund, the rep informed me it was handled by another department, had a required mail-in form that cannot be sent electronically, and had a turn-around time of three years!

Apparently once the process started, the subscription was cancelled but couldn't be activated again until the refund was paid out!

I can tell you've had to deal with some pretty bad interactions with companies, huh

I even thought about showing up to their HQ in person to duel my way through their staff, but they had hundreds of employees. I knew wouldn't make it to their senior management and CEO, Bill, before they would evacuate to their rooftop corporate blimp.

Incredible image of this man aggressively dueling while Bill hightails it to a blimp and sloooowly floats away.

Were Bill Inc. confined to our Island, it would have fallen under TCG Island law and I could have filed sued them at the very least. But being a multi-island corporation, they had what's called 'corporate immunity'. While it was theoretically possible to successfully prosecute them, the vast majority of cases were thrown out without a second glance by most judges.

When you say "corporate immunity", are you referring to the "corporate veil"?

The corporate veil is the legal separation that shields business owners (shareholders/members) from personal liability for the company's debts and actions, treating the business as a distinct legal person; however, courts can pierce the veil (disregard this separation) in cases

I don't think it's usual for judges to just refuse to prosecute companies under any principle called corporate immunity, and the corporate veil wouldn't quite be relevant here. What might make sense is that since it's a multinational (or multi-island) corporation, figuring out who has jurisdiction over what takes a long time. If the company is influential in the government, there could also corruption-related reasons as to why it's hard to prosecute them.

The former champion, Ronald, was my nemesis: a morning person. He would have clubs open at 5:00am! They would also close down at 2:00pm! As a recent academy graduate back then, trying to wake up before 2:00pm was sometimes a challenge...

5:00AM?? Does he get up at 4:00AM? I support the champion's decision to have normal working hours.

Since we had extra, I offered a slice to Gotan.

I noticed his eyes started to water a little.

He brought his beaks closer to the slice and sniffed it. He scrunched his face as if lifting a heavy object and looked at the slice intently.

His demeanor then changed as he started dry heaving with his face scrunched in a way I would assume is normally associated with pain. I saw a few tears fall from his eyes as well. He then turned around and burred both his heads in his mass of feathers going completely silent.

Poor guy wants to be included so bad... but he just can't eat pizza.

He appeared to be a fowl in quite a foul mood indeed...

*rimshot*

Jonathan smiled. "If you win either of the next two games against me, I'll throw in enough cash to be worth an extra two booster packs for each game you win. But if I win them both, you will sponsor my education at the TCG Elite Academy you attended."

The audacity and gall of such a request... The value he would gain FAR outweighed what I stood to gain! But the point was that he was cocky enough to bet his own money that he would win. This kid knew exactly how to get under my skin...

Jonathan, you fool, haven't you heard the champion is broke as heck and shadowing a Doduo just to scrape together a living?

Stephanie smiled slightly. "There we go. Now we can... conduct business. You want your 'Gambler' card to work. There is no monthly subscription you can pay to make it work. However... for the right price, I could be persuaded to alter the coding in the system to put the odds in your favor..."

I closed my eyes and found myself nodding. "Very well, name your price."

Stephanie maintained her smile. "I won't ask anything too high, but I want 25% of all your winnings from selling booster packs from your duels. I already know that's the highest you will go to still be willing to deal, so you may as well agree."

Can't believe my man's having to pay extra to get the service he's already paying for to work in an arrangement that is definitely breaching the terms of contract. But what's he gonna do, lose to Jonathan again?

 

[Goolix]

Chapters 8 and 9 easily bundled together, especially since 9 was so short. Honestly I think you could have these together as one chapter. Chapter 8 introduces some worldbuilding that sounds like it will be important, while Chapter 9 feels like a humorous comedown from the intensity of the previous chapter. Of course, Chapter 8 has Fire Club stuff in it... there would probably need to be some reorganization. Maybe some of the worldbuilding could be moved to Chapter 9? Meh, just chapter organization ideas. Let's take a look at what happens.

I smiled back. "It sure would, but luck only takes one so far..."

Underneath my smile I fought to subdue the sinking feeling in my chest. I knew no matter what, I had to win this!

Definitely the biggest danger our champion has had to face so far! It seems even his confidence is shaking after such awful luck. He's going to be in deep financial debt if he can't... like for real, will he have to take out a debt to pay this kid's education? I guess he'll have to sell his house

I drew:
Electric Lightning Energy

Good callback.

Cards. I needed cards! I played the teleporter first: tails... How did a card with a 50% chance of working fail over 75% of the time?!

🤔 This got me wondering what it would look like if somebody went through the fic and tallied how often the protagonist vs the opponent got heads and tails. Pointless but interesting.

Jonathan crossed his arms and frowned. "There goes the tuition... But I don't think I've had my fill and I doubt you are satisfied after losing the first two games to me, right?"

I nodded. "Correct, you are. Lets play a couple more!"

I like that they're both good sports. Jonathan is serious about getting better at the game. (And cocky enough to think he could win twice!) The champion also wants to see what else Jonathan has in store. Good sportsmanship!

As I turned to leave, Rick follwed me.

"follwed" should be "followed."

He followed at a limped hobble that was a crawl by his standards, but he easily kept up anyway.

"Limped hobble" is repetitive. I would pick one or the other. You use 'hobble' later, so I would pick 'limp' to add some variety here. Something like this:

He limped behind me. A crawl by his standards, but he easily kept up anyway.

Splitting the sentence into two also makes it easier to read. The first one had a lot of inner parts!

He followed <at a limped hobble> <that was a crawl> <by his standards> <but he easily kept up anyway>.

In theory, I could sell my house, downsize, and not need to go earn any money at all, but where would be the fun in that? I enjoyed my fancy home and disposable income too much to just let go of it.

If he wants to live a fine and fresh life and can afford it, let him! But I also have a feeling that he's having a lot of fun battling and visiting all his old haunts, too.

Neo Island does not tolerate when their citizens leave Neo Island illegally.

🤔 Now that's interesting... I know many countries are strict about entering their countries, but needing an exit visa to leave is relatively rarer. What is happening that Neo Island wants to control emigration? Declining population? Information control? I'm guessing this is going to be developed later!

Being told ahead of time by a psychic that I would win all my duels at a club had a certain excitement about it.

Well, I guess she was right because everyone forfeit before even starting

It was like a giant kid had ripped off the roof and poured an enormous can of grape soda all over everything inside.

This is such a funny reaction to purple aesthetics. Usually games like using purple to either seem mystical or poisonous, but it's funny to have a guy who's like "what's with the grape soda theme?"

 

[Tango]

Okay, take two after the forum ate my quotes! Chapter 7!
This chapter raises the stakes by having our protagonist lose again. He's skilled, but he's not invincible.

His weak deck makes it realistically possible for him to lose. (Technically his unrestricted deck, MysticFire could lose but the chances would be very very low.)

Rick has no loyalty, huh 😭

Dude just calls em as he sees em.

I'm guessing this is related to the scientist Bill from the games?

Bill on the card is Bill from the games, but Bill the CEO is not necessarily the same...

Is this a canonical part of the games?

It is not. I made it up for the fic.

I'm guessing the part where you can pay to fix your coin tosses isn't :P but it's not a bad service to offer!

Correct, the service is also non-canon to the game.

It would make sense to me that professionals would want to minimize the role of chance and if the makers of the game could change it, well, why not make some money off it? It also feels like a real life thing that might be controversial, like turbo controllers for speedrunning. If the consortium or whoever runs the game decides it's cool, it's cool.

Yeah, pretty much.

Since I'm pretty sure our protagonist has lost coin tosses before, I think it would make sense for it to be mentioned a little earlier.

It was mentioned earlier. Before he even had his first duel. It was in the prologue, but it seems that almost no reader is able to remember that. You are like the 3rd or 4th person in a row that was surprised by this. I fished it out for you. This is from the prologue:

'Gambler' and 'Bill's Teleporter' were unique, being the only cards tied to Bill Inc. The 'Gambler' card was tied to the local gambling wing of Bill Inc. A coin-flip for that was understandable, even if it was irritating. It was gambling, after all... But a monthly subscription for automatic heads for 'Bill's Teleporter'? That was completely uncalled for! (I signed up for it anyway because I needed my card-draw!) Regarding 'Bill's Teleporter', Bill owned a machine called a 'Teleporter' responsible for the coin-flip results of the 'Bill's Teleporter' card.​

Teleportation was obvious science fiction, but surely the name was just a marketing gimmick much like how 'hoverboards' didn't 'hover' at all and just rolled along on dumb wheels! What's worse is that when REAL hoverboards were invented, those had to be called 'anti-grav boards' instead.​

Like a mention about how his subscription for 100% coin flips only works 70% of the time so he should only be paying 70% of the cost, something off-handed. That way when he starts losing because of bad flips in the Fire Club, it goes from "meh, an annoying problem" to "OK, we gotta do something about this because this is getting ridiculous!" And then that draws the reader in to like "ah, like what he mentioned before!"

*Sigh* But I did! Its in the Prologue... I had it... right in there... 😓

Though it is probably true that I don't mention it again for all the chapters after that until this point. It probably means I should work in comments to remind the reader of it here and there.

I can tell you've had to deal with some pretty bad interactions with companies, huh

Well, it's easy to google some customer service horror stories.

Incredible image of this man aggressively dueling while Bill hightails it to a blimp and sloooowly floats away.

Yeah I'm glad you were able to get that image!

When you say "corporate immunity", are you referring to the "corporate veil"?

I don't think it's usual for judges to just refuse to prosecute companies under any principle called corporate immunity, and the corporate veil wouldn't quite be relevant here. What might make sense is that since it's a multinational (or multi-island) corporation, figuring out who has jurisdiction over what takes a long time. If the company is influential in the government, there could also corruption-related reasons as to why it's hard to prosecute them.

Corporate immunity is supposed to be like diplomatic immunity except for corporations. It's a concept I made up to explain how Bill Inc gets away with pretty much everything.

5:00AM?? Does he get up at 4:00AM? I support the champion's decision to have normal working hours.

Well, he pushes it in the opposite direction and makes it a late shift instead.

Poor guy wants to be included so bad... but he just can't eat pizza.

yep

*rimshot*

Jonathan, you fool, haven't you heard the champion is broke as heck and shadowing a Doduo just to scrape together a living?

Nope! He has not. Also Mister Gentleman was quite well off prior to his current money problems.

Can't believe my man's having to pay extra to get the service he's already paying for to work in an arrangement that is definitely breaching the terms of contract. But what's he gonna do, lose to Jonathan again?

Gambler didn't have a paid service although in his mind they should have. I mean why not offer another if you are going to offer one? Instead he has to deal under the table with Stephanie to try to make it work.

 

[Goolix]

Ah, I see... Gambler isn't part of the Bill thing. I thought that Bill just controlled every coin flip. My bad! And yeah, I kind of forgot what happened in the Prologue But it's good that you already foreshadowed it. It would probably be helpful to have one more reminder.

 

[Tango]

Chapters 8 and 9 easily bundled together, especially since 9 was so short. Honestly I think you could have these together as one chapter.

I probably could have them as one chapter, true. Perhaps I will combine them at some point and split one of my earlier chapters up a little more. I don't like how front-loaded the word count is on my Prologue and Chapter 1... But short chapters make for easy blitz points, and that was part of the reason I tried to split my chapters up so much.

Chapter 8 introduces some worldbuilding that sounds like it will be important,

Indeed.

while Chapter 9 feels like a humorous comedown from the intensity of the previous chapter.

Yep! Pretty much!

Of course, Chapter 8 has Fire Club stuff in it... there would probably need to be some reorganization. Maybe some of the worldbuilding could be moved to Chapter 9? Meh, just chapter organization ideas. Let's take a look at what happens.

Not sure at the moment. I get the feeling I will soon be torn between improving Book One and rewriting for Book Two. I do need to keep the momentum of my series going, but I make small improvements where I can on existing material.

Definitely the biggest danger our champion has had to face so far!

Yep!

It seems even his confidence is shaking after such awful luck. He's going to be in deep financial debt if he can't... like for real, will he have to take out a debt to pay this kid's education? I guess he'll have to sell his house

Yep! That's pretty much what's at stake here! He was getting by too easily on stakes, so I wanted to up the anti to try to keep things interesting as the story builds towards chapter 11.

Good callback.

I try.

🤔 This got me wondering what it would look like if somebody went through the fic and tallied how often the protagonist vs the opponent got heads and tails. Pointless but interesting.

I have no actual idea. It certainly feels like the card screws up more often than it works though lol...

I like that they're both good sports. Jonathan is serious about getting better at the game. (And cocky enough to think he could win twice!) The champion also wants to see what else Jonathan has in store. Good sportsmanship!

"follwed" should be "followed."

"Limped hobble" is repetitive. I would pick one or the other. You use 'hobble' later, so I would pick 'limp' to add some variety here. Something like this:

Splitting the sentence into two also makes it easier to read. The first one had a lot of inner parts!

He followed <at a limped hobble> <that was a crawl> <by his standards> <but he easily kept up anyway>.

Good points. I switched it around.

If he wants to live a fine and fresh life and can afford it, let him! But I also have a feeling that he's having a lot of fun battling and visiting all his old haunts, too.

He certainly is. He wants to see how far he can take his deck.

🤔 Now that's interesting... I know many countries are strict about entering their countries, but needing an exit visa to leave is relatively rarer. What is happening that Neo Island wants to control emigration? Declining population? Information control? I'm guessing this is going to be developed later!

Correct.

Well, I guess she was right because everyone forfeit before even starting

This is such a funny reaction to purple aesthetics. Usually games like using purple to either seem mystical or poisonous, but it's funny to have a guy who's like "what's with the grape soda theme?"