Review:
"quick writing dump sprint organization thread?"
Post #5 (No title or threadmark label for it)
I was never one for putting myself in unnecessary danger, so how did I end up out in the ocean, about to dive into one of the most dangerous caves of the region?
Alright I'm curious. How?
"You all set to go?", said the answer.
Nice way of describing who/what is talking. I like it.
My old trainer friend, one of those types to get in way over their head, and drag everyone down with them..
Needs an extra dot at the end.
How did they get the protagonist to come with them this time, I wonder?
First word needs capital.
I would never go on a wild goose chase to catch some "legendary", but of course I'm the only photography expert he knew, and he somehow got me out into the water before I could even object.
Wow that guy would make a great used car salesman I imagine! I can't imagine how he duped the protagonist so thoroughly. If you are willing, it might be a good detail to expand upon.
Also, is this person Todd from Pokemon snap???
"Do we really have to do this NOW?", I responded, desperate to get out of this and go back to my comftorable, safe home and never think about it again.
Comfortable spelled wrong
I mean you're in the water now, person. In for a penny in for a POUND now! 😅
Of course, I knew the answer before he even opened his mouth, there was no talking him out of something. "C'mon, we already traveled allll the way here! You don't want to go back empty handed, riiight?"
I wonder why the protagonist is just NOW questioning things after coming 'allll the way' there.
Protagonist: 'Kidnapped! I've been kidnapped!! HELP!!!'
The 'friend': "On the vast expanse of the ocean,
no one can hear you scream..."
Protagonist: help.
Against my better judgement, that convinced me, and suddenly we dived down into the murky depths, and I prayed we would come back out the other side in one piece.
Very well understood by now how scary this is for the protagonist.
The Seafloor Cavern was a thing of legends, of course. Legendary in all the worst ways. Hundreds of trainers traveled there, hopeful to catch a glimpse of one of the two Hoenn legendaries (reports never seemed to agree WHICH one was down there, but they all agreed there was one), and whited out far before the last chamber.
I wonder what whited out means in actual reality...
Good job at setting the danger level.
This is about Lugia, I assume.
Even if you made it through the gauntlet, of course, you'd THEN have to fight a LEGENDARY, which if they WERE real would destroy you without even blinking. It was an obvious death trap if ever there was one.
But has anyone ever
died or is that what whited out means for your fic here?
Gasping for air, we managed to get to the entrance of the cave mostly intact, save for a chunk of damage sustained from some wild mons around the area. We DID have a Abra with Teleport, but if they went down, we'd be stuck down here for a long long time.
You mean to tell me that they traveled KNOWINGLY to a legendary and dangerous cave and they didn't even pack a
single revive in case Abra faints?!
Also, Abra being able to teleport trivializes the danger you just spent all those words building up. Presumably you are saying they can use it inside the cave, so it's easy to go back to town at any time.
I tried to shove that out of my mind, and shakily followed my friend, who was bouncing with excitement at finding the elusive mon.
Friend has a death wish. Run while you can!
------
It felt like hours since we saw any light. Flash thankfully let us see well enough to navigate, but that could only do so much against the encroaching darkness of the cave.
Which mon do they use for that? If it's Abra, that could help with the suspense because then they couldn't even SEE much less
teleport if it goes down!
Our potion supply was starting to wear thin, too, and I was starting to hold my Abra pokeball close to my chest, afraid to even risk losing our only safety net out of this mess. HE, however, took it all in stride, constantly running ahead and tripping, and getting us into far more battles than I would've liked.
I assume you are talking about the guy friend, not Abra here. You might want to clarify it though.
Yep... Death wish.
Run.
He's not one to use repels,
I think this might work better with a period instead of a comma.
claims it "takes the danger out of it, and wheres the fun in that?"
If you separate this as a new sentence, you should capitalize here too.
Yeah... FUN.
I'd prefer if the "danger" were very, VERY far away from anything I ever did, but here we were. Alone.
You know you
could always just teleport away...
Finally, FINALLY, the chambers started to widen out a little. A sliver of natural light drew me into the last chamber and..
Missing a dot at the end.
Yep heeeeeres Lugia!
Needs capital.
Nothing though?? Hmmm...
There WAS no legendary here. I felt like I could finally exhale, I was right, while all of this might have been for nothing, at least I didn't have to fight a hulking beast on top of how miserable my experience already was.
Or you could have just teleported.
I feel like the protagonist should make a speech about conquering their fear and/or having their friend owe them a favor now or something. You a know journey not the destination kind of thing.
My friend, however, seemed to be taken aback, before shrugging, and crossing that entry off his little bucket list.
Crazy death wish list more like lol... All that without a revive for Abra
With a sigh of relief, I threw down my Abra, and teleported us the hell out of there.
Anticlimactic is a great way of subverting expectations. In this little fic, I think it works very well!
// i didnt want to do 3 STORIES about finding legendaries in a ROW so..
Yep. Good choice!
