Pokémon quick writing dump sprint organization thread?

[candycanearter07]

The light shone down from above, filtered through the trees until only a trickle of light made its way down to the forest floor.
Bugs of all sizes chirped and played and interacted.

The human standing there, however, seemed far more out of place, especially given the urban clothes and simple Pokemon-themed bag they had been clutching with their life. Occasionally, they snapped their eyes to the watch strapped to their wrist, watching the pendulum swing until they could leave this trap of creepy crawlies... everywhere...

They never would've stepped foot into a legendary forest of doom like this, one filled with bugs, except they were forced to on account of a lost bet. After an agonizing five minutes passed, they finally let go of the breath they were holding for nearly half an hour. The dare was over, and they could go back to the playground.

Except.. where was it? A wave of panic filled them, and they sprinted in a random direction, hoping to find their way out, and they found their way... to trip on a passing bug and straight into a mud pile. Despite the laughing and teasing about being a Clodsire by the other kids, they felt relieved to have made it out with their life. Shakily standing up, they clutched their bag close to their chest, and stepped back into their schoolyard.

Spoiler: original

The light shone down from above, filtered through the trees until only a trickle of light made its way down to the forest floor. Bugs of all sizes chirped and played and interacted. The human standing there, however, seemed far more out of place, especially given the urban clothes and simple Pokemon-themed bag they had been clutching with their life. Occasionally, they snapped their eyes to the novelty poketch on their wrist, watching the pendulum swing until they could leave this death trap. This forest was one of legends, one that claimed hundreds of the most talented trainers, and this kid lost to a Caterpie, landing them in this mess. After an agonizing 5 minutes passed, they finally let go of the breath they were holding for nearly half an hour. The dare was over, and they could go back to the playground. Except.. where was it? A wave of panic filled them, and they sprinted in a random direction, hoping to find their way out, and they found their way... to trip on a passing bug and straight into a mud pile. Despite the laughing and teasing about being a Clodsire by the other kids, they felt relieved to have made it out with their life.

 

[candycanearter07]

Kicking the door down, I stormed straight up to the quest giver, quivering before me. "That last one was a death trap!", I screamed. "How can you label a firey volcano trek as a low difficulty?!". "w-well, quest submitters give the rarity labeling..", a feeble voice rose out from behind the wooden counter. The desk was too pristine and well-crafted to smash, so I instead stomped my foot on the floor. That turned out to be the wrong decision, however, as the rotting wood beneath me was not as sparkling new as the desk. Tumbling down the sudden sinkhole, a large cave floor came up to greet me, nearly skewering me on a stalagmite, but thwarted by some rope. "I'm not paying for damages!", I shouted up through the celing, and a muffled voice of anger greeted me. I could deal with them later, that building was so much of a hazard any court system would give me the victory. The real issue now was getting out.. I hadn't thought to bring any of my mons with me to complain, but a couple empty pokeballs were scattered on the ground from the guild supplies, and none of them seemed too damaged. They would have to be pretty durable to handle being thrown at such large creatures, anyway.. Stumbling through the large cave, swatting away the 50th Zubat, I finally found my ticket out: A sleeping Drillbur! Tossing a ball at them, they went down quite easily, thanks to the sleep weakness. Dig did the rest, and in a couple minutes, we found ourself back in front of the quest organizer, complaining and requesting compensation for the incident, which never came. At least I got a new friend out of the whole thing.

 

[candycanearter07]

Sun shined down on the shimmering lake below, illuminating the pale blue of its surface. Fish darted below the water, birds chirped in the distance, the temperature was just right. In other words, it was a perfect day to fish. Letting my small travel bag fall onto the grass, I was amazed at the lack of people taking advantage of such a perfect day. Their loss. The motions of casting the line were second nature. Swish, flick, plop. Letting my mind wander, I daydreamed about how much spare change I could make on the GTS. Sure, it wasn't a lot, but any source of income was fine by me, especially since I had been saving up for-
The tug of the line pulled me back into reality. Alright, first catch of the day. Whatever it was, it put up a big fight, and I was starting to worry my team would fall to whatever was tugging on my line. Finally, I yanked back, and

The wind was knocked out of me. One of the rarest fish mons one could even find, rarer than a natural Gyrados.. Dratini, right there, wriggling on the end of my line.

Once I regained composure, I quickly threw out my Sneasel. I NEEDED to get this thing's health down and catch it fast, or it would be lost to the ages. Thanks to False Swipe, I could make sure I didn't make it faint, so it was a matter of attrition to get this mon into my PC. It was not an easy fight, my mon was so electrocuted their fur stood up for weeks afterwards, and the PP of False Swipe was nearly drained, but I managed to catch it in a great ball.

After the excitement of THAT, I quickly packed up, and ran straight home to display it. I did get a cool 30000P for it, and I'm now (semi) famous for being mentioned in the Pokedex!

 

[candycanearter07]

The chance of rain was SUPPOSED to be 3 percent that evening, but I rolled snake eyes. Sitting at the edge of the water, as it poured over me. My shouts of frustration echoed across the rolling waves. Deep in thought, I barely noticed my feet moving across the edge, the water threatening to knock me over.. how long had it been? Hours? The sun had long since left, leaving me in despair. I looked down at my bag, holding all the supplies one would need for a shiny hunt. Today was going to be the lucky day, I knew it, but the waves were far too dangerous for my Lapras to overcome. I stomped across the coast, wishing I could go out and battle and catch one and
Wait, that can't be right. Why do I feel a battle coming? The island wasn't supposed to have any encounters, and I never knew anyone who fought a wild mon here. It was devoid of any tall grass, any hospitable living conditions, ever since the volcano, so WHAT could be attacking me at this point?


I didn't understand. Whatever this was, it looked like some kind of TV static come to life. Shaking, I held up my Pokedex, ready to scan it, but whatever it was nearly set it on fire from trying to comprehend this... thing? I cursed myself for never investing in a camera, if anyone was going to believe me about this, I had to catch it, and NOW. Before it dissipated into smoke, making me look like an insane person. Unfortunately, whatever it was, it did NOT have good defense. It went down after a single tackle.. I decided to cut my losses and head home before the day could get more disappointing, barely noticing how heavy my bag had become.

 

[candycanearter07]

I was never one for putting myself in unnecessary danger, so how did I end up out in the ocean, about to dive into one of the most dangerous caves of the region?

"You all set to go?", said the answer. My old trainer friend, one of those types to get in way over their head, and drag everyone down with them.. including me, this time. I would never go on a wild goose chase to catch some "legendary", but of course I'm the only photography expert he knew, and he somehow got me out into the water before I could even object.

"Do we really have to do this NOW?", I responded, desperate to get out of this and go back to my comftorable, safe home and never think about it again. Of course, I knew the answer before he even opened his mouth, there was no talking him out of something. "C'mon, we already traveled allll the way here! You don't want to go back empty handed, riiight?" Against my better judgement, that convinced me, and suddenly we dived down into the murky depths, and I prayed we would come back out the other side in one piece.

The Seafloor Cavern was a thing of legends, of course. Legendary in all the worst ways. Hundreds of trainers traveled there, hopeful to catch a glimpse of one of the two Hoenn legendaries (reports never seemed to agree WHICH one was down there, but they all agreed there was one), and whited out far before the last chamber. Even if you made it through the gauntlet, of course, you'd THEN have to fight a LEGENDARY, which if they WERE real would destroy you without even blinking. It was an obvious death trap if ever there was one.

Gasping for air, we managed to get to the entrance of the cave mostly intact, save for a chunk of damage sustained from some wild mons around the area. We DID have a Abra with Teleport, but if they went down, we'd be stuck down here for a long long time. I tried to shove that out of my mind, and shakily followed my friend, who was bouncing with excitement at finding the elusive mon.

------

It felt like hours since we saw any light. Flash thankfully let us see well enough to navigate, but that could only do so much against the encroaching darkness of the cave. Our potion supply was starting to wear thin, too, and I was starting to hold my Abra pokeball close to my chest, afraid to even risk losing our only safety net out of this mess. HE, however, took it all in stride, constantly running ahead and tripping, and getting us into far more battles than I would've liked. He's not one to use repels, claims it "takes the danger out of it, and wheres the fun in that?" I'd prefer if the "danger" were very, VERY far away from anything I ever did, but here we were. Alone.

Finally, FINALLY, the chambers started to widen out a little. A sliver of natural light drew me into the last chamber and..

nothing. There WAS no legendary here. I felt like I could finally exhale, I was right, while all of this might have been for nothing, at least I didn't have to fight a hulking beast on top of how miserable my experience already was. My friend, however, seemed to be taken aback, before shrugging, and crossing that entry off his little bucket list. With a sigh of relief, I threw down my Abra, and teleported us the hell out of there.

// i didnt want to do 3 STORIES about finding legendaries in a ROW so..

 

[candycanearter07]

[this one is based off a real thingy i got to go do :D]

The murky depths of the water seemed to stretch infinitely below me. Shivering, I tried not to look down, and focus on paddling my boat. According to the Pokenet, some magical event was supposed to happen here, some beautiful sight that you can't get anywhere else. Me being the gullible idiot I am, followed up on that, and that's how I ended up out here. On the lake. On a rickety (rented) paddleboat. At 2 in the f*&^ morning.

Looking up, I could at least appreciate the stars shining above, the little glimmering confetti in the sky. I didn't get that kind of view from the city. It wasn't worth the drive out to the countryside, but this whole thing at least wasn't a complete loss. I also learned my lesson about not trusting people online. The water almost seemed to glow under the stars.. and it was getting brighter. Huh?

The silence of the lake was broken by a loud splash, as a glowing pokemon suddenly jumped from the water, as if to say hi.

Apparently, the whole lake was home to a school(?) of Lanturns, a pokemon I'd never seen before. It was truly mesmerizing watching the little lights dance underneath the surface, them playing and swimming and all. Before I knew it, the sun was peeking over the horizon. Hurriedly, I began to paddle back to shore, ready to return to my life, carrying that experience with me.

 

[matt0044]

The light shone down from above, filtered through the trees until only a trickle of light made its way down to the forest floor. Bugs of all sizes chirped and played and interacted. The human standing there, however, seemed far more out of place, especially given the urban clothes and simple Pokemon-themed bag they had been clutching with their life. Occasionally, they snapped their eyes to the novelty poketch on their wrist, watching the pendulum swing until they could leave this death trap. This forest was one of legends, one that claimed hundreds of the most talented trainers, and this kid lost to a Caterpie, landing them in this mess. After an agonizing 5 minutes passed, they finally let go of the breath they were holding for nearly half an hour. The dare was over, and they could go back to the playground. Except.. where was it? A wave of panic filled them, and they sprinted in a random direction, hoping to find their way out, and they found their way... to trip on a passing bug and straight into a mud pile. Despite the laughing and teasing about being a Clodsire by the other kids, they felt relieved to have made it out with their life.

A nice start to what seems to be a story about a kid trying to prove themselves to their peers. Though spacing it out into short paragraphs would help better rather than it being all bundled up together.

 

[133TFR33k]

Review:
"quick writing dump sprint organization thread?"
Post #1 (No title or threadmark label for it)

Hi candy! I'm here for the first review in our exchange!

Keep in mind that I am still new to writing in general. I only began writing fanfiction about 3 or 4 months ago, but I'm happy to share what I have learned in that time.

You can increase the quality of your writing more if you have more people to help review. Of course, it depends on how willing you are to listen to the reviews and implement changes too.

Based on the name of this thread, this seems to be something thrown together in a hurry, so I'm expecting there to be some easy things I can point out to help with.

One thing I noticed was the lack of titles for things. That could be a very easy thing to enhance your fic with. I don't have good suggestions for what you could name them though, because I'm only reading the first post in here (to start with) and I don't know how long you intend to make this story.

Spoiler: Line by Line Reaction

The light shone down from above, filtered through the trees until only a trickle of light made its way down to the forest floor.

Hey, this is a nice description!

I would make this its own separate line to add weight, though.

Bugs of all sizes chirped and played and interacted.

I would make this a separate line too.

In general, learning how and when to use spacing can help quite a bit. Different actions or ideas can easily justify using a paragraph break or at least one space between lines. Some authors even prefer to you 2 lines in between paragraphs!

The first line was only a description of the setting. The second line introduces the bugs that are playing and interacting. If the second line was describing more of the setting without introducing the bugs, I would not recommend separating the two lines because describing the setting is all part of one basic overall idea aka paragraph.

Most people seem to only tolerate paragraphs about half this length. (I don't mind long paragraphs myself, but I think almost everyone else would recommend shortening them.)

From the description here, we can see this forest is a positive and peaceful place.

The human standing there, however, seemed far more out of place, especially given the urban clothes and simple Pokemon-themed bag they had been clutching with their life.

So this person seems to be out of place and scared. I wonder how they got here?

I would recommend this line spaced separately from the line before it since it introduces another distinct character.

Occasionally, they snapped their eyes to the novelty poketch on their wrist, watching the pendulum swing until they could leave this death trap.

So they are here for some amount of time, but I wonder what they are scared of. Is it the bugs? Are they scared of bugs?

This line could probably be ok joining the previous sentence above without spacing since its still talking about the actions of the human.

This forest was one of legends, one that claimed hundreds of the most talented trainers, and this kid lost to a Caterpie, landing them in this mess.

What is a trainer so new doing in a place so reportedly deadly?

Caterpie doesn't sound like a 'legendary threat' to me though.

And what is the mess, I wonder?

I also wonder what region this is in. Could this be Viridian forest? There are other places it could be too.

After an agonizing 5 minutes passed, they finally let go of the breath they were holding for nearly half an hour.

Small numbers are better to be spelled out. So use 'five' instead of '5' and it will flow better with the narration and avoid looking jarring.

Again, not sure what it was they were so afraid of. I suppose they ran from a Caterpie that beat them in a battle and maybe they were hiding from it?

I wonder how they lost to it? What Pokemon were they using against it? Were they trying to beat the caterpie by throwing rocks at it or something? Some more detail here could help to enrich the story.

The dare was over, and they could go back to the playground.

Oh, kids over-exaggerate threats. This simple forest became a 'legendary forest of death and doom!'

I guess the dare was to stay in the forest for a certain length of time.

Except.. where was it?

Oh THAT is not a good situation for a kid! Yikes!

A wave of panic filled them, and they sprinted in a random direction, hoping to find their way out, and they found their way... to trip on a passing bug and straight into a mud pile.

I hope this isn't going to be a fic where the kid gets eaten alive by weedles or something. If so, you REALLY need to put up a content warning or something...

Despite the laughing and teasing about being a Clodsire by the other kids, they felt relieved to have made it out with their life.

Wait what? So they went the correct direction?

Just because they found their way out of the forest doesn't mean it went to the correct place. It could have been a clearing in the wrong direction. I would try to clarify that better on the previous line.

This makes the mud far less distressing since they found their way out. It makes sense that they are ok with the laughing and mud since they got back safely.

Still no idea who this human is. Is it a boy or a girl? What's their name? We don't know. Might be good details to include.

Summary:
This was about a young kid who got lost in the woods on a dare from the other kids for how long they could last in the forest. They had a battle with a Caterpie and lost and presumably had to run and hide after that. They lasted long enough but realized they were lost. They went in a random direction and got lucky with it being back the way they came. Being muddy and being laughed at was fine as long since it was much better than being lost.

Per my line by line reactions, the story could use some more detail on various things and could benefit from titles and spacing, but much of the descriptions you went with were pretty good already!

If you make changes to it and want me to take another look, just let me know!

 

[candycanearter07]

One thing I noticed was the lack of titles for things. That could be a very easy thing to enhance your fic with. I don't have good suggestions for what you could name them though, because I'm only reading the first post in here (to start with) and I don't know how long you intend to make this story.

These are more supposed to be self contained, but I could try adding little nicknames to each..

In general, learning how and when to use spacing can help quite a bit. Different actions or ideas can easily justify using a paragraph break or at least one space between lines. Some authors even prefer to you 2 lines in between paragraphs!

Right, I think I got better with that in the further ones

Is it the bugs? Are they scared of bugs?

Ooh, that sounds good. Childish fear making the peaceful forest seem like a grassy dungeon

I guess the dare was to stay in the forest for a certain length of time.

yea that was the idea

I hope this isn't going to be a fic where the kid gets eaten alive by weedles or something. If so, you REALLY need to put up a content warning or something...

nah, i couldnt write actual stakes :>

Wait what? So they went the correct direction?

Just because they found their way out of the forest doesn't mean it went to the correct place. It could have been a clearing in the wrong direction. I would try to clarify that better on the previous line.

Alright..

Per my line by line reactions, the story could use some more detail on various things and could benefit from titles and spacing, but much of the descriptions you went with were pretty good already!

Thanks I always feel like im going too over the top

 

[133TFR33k]

Review:
"quick writing dump sprint organization thread?"
Post #2 (No title or threadmark label for it)

Hi candy, I'm here for the next review for you!

By the way, if/when you create titles for your posts, you may want to use threadmarks as a way of organizing the different parts/chapters. Here is a link to a post that helped me figure out how to use threadmarks: https://forums.thousandroads.net/threads/posting-your-first-fic.655/

Spoiler: Line by Line Reaction

Kicking the door down, I stormed straight up to the quest giver, quivering before me.

Kicking the door down?! As in, off its hinges?! I don't think this is the same protagonist as the previous post or if it is, they seem very much older! Maybe you meant to say kicked it open? Was the door really weak made of rotted wood or was it really thin like plywood?

Seems like the quest giver assigned something very inappropriate!

I noticed the next line has dialogue, but it runs a bit long. Due to that, I think you can keep the line above as its own separate line. Helps with spacing and it still isn't confusing because of how your next line is set up.

"That last one was a death trap!", I screamed. "How can you label a firey volcano trek as a low difficulty?!".

Ah there is no need for a comma after the first quotation marks. Since you used "!" at the end of the first dialogue, that was where the comma should go. You can simply take the comma out and it makes it more correct. Honestly this is a tiny issue, but I'm looking for anything I can for you.

should be spelled "fiery" not "firey"

This line should also be by itself without being joined to the rest of the paragraph.

Regarding the content of the line: Yeah if that's what low difficulty looks like, just IMAGINE what a HARD one would be!
My quests are too strong for you, traveler... you had better find a quest giver with WEAKER ONES! (just replace potions in the video with quests...)

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_FQU4KzN7A

"w-well, quest submitters give the rarity labeling..", a feeble voice rose out from behind the wooden counter.

This should be its own line and comma should be inside the dialogue. Also, the first W should be capitalized.

So wait, is it a rarity label or a difficultly label? Which is it?

So quest submitters are the ones that post the quests and quest givers are the ones that manage a large number of quests that give them out to people to complete. I think I got it.

The desk was too pristine and well-crafted to smash, so I instead stomped my foot on the floor.

Was it a desk or a counter? Are there both things in the room?

That turned out to be the wrong decision, however, as the rotting wood beneath me was not as sparkling new as the desk.

I feel like the description of the desk is a bit redundant considering the previous line already described it as pristine and well-crafted.

Might work better if you focus on the fact that the wood was rotting. Maybe the character notices as they slam their foot down with it being too late to take it back or something.

Tumbling down the sudden sinkhole, a large cave floor came up to greet me, nearly skewering me on a stalagmite, but thwarted by some rope.

You may want to explain that slamming into the floor shattered the rotting wood and maybe even describe pieces of the rotted wood flying through the air or something. As it reads, its like a magical portal with a sinkhole just materialized below the character.

I love how you describe the cave floor as coming up. Sudden falling is certainly disorienting and could EASILY look like that.

Thwarted by some rope? More explanation is needed here. Lets see if the next line or two helps with that. *comes back after reading the rest of the entire post* Uh... nope! No explanation for rope! What on earth is happening here?

I would suggest taking the rope out entirely and having the main character land hard on the floor right next to a jagged stalagmite. Then they can wrestle with what would have heppend if they had falled just a few inches to the side.

"I'm not paying for damages!", I shouted up through the celing, and a muffled voice of anger greeted me.

should be spelled 'ceiling'. Right after that word, it would be better with a period and then removing the 'and'. You can then start a new line spaced separately to start with 'a muffled voice'.

Also, what did the muffled voice say? You could word it more like, 'I could hear angry muffled protesting from a voice above me.' Just a suggestion. The way it currently reads, I'm expecting to read the angry words to know exactly what is being said, but there are no words, so it just kind of leaves me hanging.

Also, the character had already heard the person above prior to falling and presumably know what their voice sounds like, so they might not need to describe it as 'a voice'. Even muffled, they can probably tell who it belongs to, I would think.

I could deal with them later, that building was so much of a hazard any court system would give me the victory.

Small suggestion here: make 'any' in italics for emphasis. Its a little trick I do all the time in my fic and I like the results from it.

Also, I agree they don't have much of a legal leg to stand on here, or in this case, floor!

The real issue now was getting out..

Isn't the character attached to a rope? They seem pretty strong, can't they just climb up?

I hadn't thought to bring any of my mons with me to complain, but a couple empty pokeballs were scattered on the ground from the guild supplies, and none of them seemed too damaged.

A trainer without their mons? Really? I thought it was a staple to have them at all times, honestly. Might be better to say something like 'I was in such an angry rage that I actually forgot to take my mon with me.'

So... I guess we are just going to ignore the rope?

So... character is just going to help themselves to the pokeballs? Uh... can't that result in a lawsuit? You know... stealing an all...

They would have to be pretty durable to handle being thrown at such large creatures, anyway..

The end of this line should begin a new paragraph. Also, you forgot the 3rd dot at the end of 'anyway'.

True, Pokeballs falling should not be able to damage them.

Stumbling through the large cave, swatting away the 50th Zubat, I finally found my ticket out: A sleeping Drillbur!

50th? This character is keeping a specific count of EXACTLY how many Zubat they have swatted?!

How large is this cave? What shape is it? How long did it take the character to find the Drillbur?

I'm not familiar with many newer generation mon's including Drillbur, but I'm guessing it has a drill and I'm guessing the character will use that to escape.

Tossing a ball at them, they went down quite easily, thanks to the sleep weakness.

Tossing a ball at them is not the same as the ball hitting them. At could mean around aka miss. Went down quite easily is odd. It's asleep. It's not like throwing a pokeball at it would cause it to faint and its presumably laying down while asleep. Sleep weakness is kind of odd wording too.

Suggestion(Feel free to ignore or implement something else):
Seizing the opportunity while it was asleep, I threw my pokeball and struck it right between the eyes! After a few short moments of the ball shaking, it ceased with a satisfying click.

Dig did the rest,

Would recomment this being its own separately spaced line with a period at the end for emphasis.

and in a couple minutes, we found ourself back in front of the quest organizer, complaining and requesting compensation for the incident, which never came.

This part can be together but spaced separately from the previous line and the line after it. You would need to take the 'and' at the beginning out and capitalize 'in'.

I guess a place that has rotting wood would not be rolling in money and probably would not care about compensation. I suppose the main character decided not to file a lawsuit against them after all?

At least I got a new friend out of the whole thing.

Friend is a bit of a stretch here considering it was caught while asleep and the only thing it did after waking up was dig.

However, we can take it to mean that this trainer considers their mons to be friends, so it works well enough I suppose.

Suggestion:
'At least I got a new mon out of the whole ordeal. Drillbur and I became great friends after this.'

This way it kind of gives more of a conclusion.

Summary:
So this was about (yet another) genderless nameless trainer who went to complain about a quest they were given. They certainly had a temper and got themselves in a little trouble as a result, but all ended well with them capturing a new mon. They might not have received any compensation for things, but at least they got to keep the stolen pokeball they used to catch their new mon with.

Spacing continues to be probably the easiest recurring problem to identify and fix. Certain details and wording could be improved upon for some easy enhancements. As with the previous post, many of your descriptions are well done!

 

[candycanearter07]

! I don't think this is the same protagonist as the previous post or if it is, they seem very much older! Maybe you meant to say kicked it open? Was the door really weak made of rotted wood or was it really thin like plywood?

Yeah, again these are supposed to be completely disconnected, its like an older adventurer guy :P And yea i meant to say kicked it open

should be spelled "fiery" not "firey"

Ah, oke :D The spellcheck doesn't show up sometimes lol

My quests are too strong for you, traveler... you had better find a quest giver with WEAKER ONES! (just replace potions in the video with quests...)

oh i love that video :>

So wait, is it a rarity label or a difficultly label? Which is it?

So quest submitters are the ones that post the quests and quest givers are the ones that manage a large number of quests that give them out to people to complete. I think I got it.

Difficulty, I was kinda thinking like PMD Questboard but for humans. And yea

Was it a desk or a counter? Are there both things in the room?

Wait, can it not be used interchangably? uhh i guess its a counter then

Might work better if you focus on the fact that the wood was rotting. Maybe the character notices as they slam their foot down with it being too late to take it back or something.

Oh, oke

You may want to explain that slamming into the floor shattered the rotting wood and maybe even describe pieces of the rotted wood flying through the air or something. As it reads, its like a magical portal with a sinkhole just materialized below the character.

ooh ok :D having the wood swirl around them like a whirlwind for a seccond maybe

Thwarted by some rope? More explanation is needed here. Lets see if the next line or two helps with that. *comes back after reading the rest of the entire post* Uh... nope! No explanation for rope! What on earth is happening here?

TBH, I think i forgot about the rope afterwards? Probably would change it to like "twisting in midair to narrowly avoid the spike" or someting

Also, what did the muffled voice say? You could word it more like, 'I could hear angry muffled protesting from a voice above me.' Just a suggestion. The way it currently reads, I'm expecting to read the angry words to know exactly what is being said, but there are no words, so it just kind of leaves me hanging.

So like, "I heard muffled protests from above" or something

A trainer without their mons? Really? I thought it was a staple to have them at all times, honestly. Might be better to say something like 'I was in such an angry rage that I actually forgot to take my mon with me.'

Hm.. yeah, esp with how they care for their mons..

So... I guess we are just going to ignore the rope?

yea :(

So... character is just going to help themselves to the pokeballs? Uh... can't that result in a lawsuit? You know... stealing an all...

its not well funded i think

True, Pokeballs falling should not be able to damage them.

unless its REALLY shoddy

50th? This character is keeping a specific count of EXACTLY how many Zubat they have swatted?!

exaggeration... you know how pokemon caves are

How large is this cave? What shape is it? How long did it take the character to find the Drillbur?

Hm. Probably like a good hour or so? I'm kinda imagining a more open, spanning cave rather than a cramped one

I'm not familiar with many newer generation mon's including Drillbur, but I'm guessing it has a drill and I'm guessing the character will use that to escape.

yea, drill hands (it knows dig i think)

Seizing the opportunity while it was asleep, I threw my pokeball and struck it right between the eyes! After a few short moments of the ball shaking, it ceased with a satisfying click.

OOOH dramatic :D

Would recomment this being its own separately spaced line with a period at the end for emphasis.

right :> Also this is me lampshading how dig literally teleports you in the games lol

I guess a place that has rotting wood would not be rolling in money and probably would not care about compensation. I suppose the main character decided not to file a lawsuit against them after all?

Maybe they like... decided that getting a new powerful mon out of it (and a free pokeball) was enough, and/or legal battles are as drawn out as the real world

However, we can take it to mean that this trainer considers their mons to be friends, so it works well enough I suppose.

Suggestion:
'At least I got a new mon out of the whole ordeal. Drillbur and I became great friends after this.'

This way it kind of gives more of a conclusion.

Yeah, I kinda imagine them as a "i care more about mons than people" kinda guy :)

also, so do i just go back and edit the original post or make a new message?

 

[133TFR33k]

also, so do i just go back and edit the original post or make a new message?

Nice! Looks like you got some great stuff out of that review from me.

Yes, you should go back to your original post to make edits. Feel free to ask me to take another look once you make edits, if you like. I may not have as much to say the second time around, but I'd be happy to weigh in on things for you.

Also, you may want to consider giving it a title and adding a threadmark. You can also rename this entire thread to be something like "A Collection Of Pokemon One-Shots" or something. I'm just throwing a random suggestion out there as I doubt you will want it eternally named "quick writing dump sprint organization thread?" after you have put in considerable effort to improve the existing posts and add to them.

 

[133TFR33k]

Review:
"quick writing dump sprint organization thread?"
Post #3 (No title or threadmark label for it)

Hi candy, I'm here for the next review for you!

Many of the lines in this overall post would be better if they were spaced in the ways I suggested in my previous posts for you, so I'm not going to keep providing examples on that at this point, but if you want any help with it, you are welcome to ask me!

Spoiler: Line by Line Reaction

Sun shined down on the shimmering lake below, illuminating the pale blue of its surface.

Nice description here!

Even so, I have a suggestion to ramp it up a little if you like:
Golden rays extended from the sun to the shimmering lake below, illuminating the pale blue of its pristine surface.

Fish darted about below the water, birds chirped in the distance, the temperature was just right.

Ooo I think this would work even better with the bold word I added above. I would use periods instead of commas here for added emphasis.

In other words, it was a perfect day to fish.

Sounds like it to me! Good job at establishing the setting!

Letting my small travel bag fall onto the grass, I was amazed at the lack of people taking advantage of such a perfect day. Their loss.

Really makes one want to go outside on a nice day.

The motions of casting the line were second nature. Swish, flick, plop.

Ooo I like how you described this here!

Letting my mind wander, I daydreamed about how much spare change I could make on the GTS.

What is a GTS? I'm guessing its something that should be obvious but since I don't know, maybe its something that could use some clarification?

Sure, it wasn't a lot, but any source of income was fine by me, especially since I had been saving up for-
The tug of the line pulled me back into reality.

I love how you interrupted his thought with a fish biting. Cool!

Alright, first catch of the day. Whatever it was, it put up a big fight, and I was starting to worry my team would fall to whatever was tugging on my line. Finally, I yanked back, and

So, I see what you are doing here ending this line without a period, but maybe you should at least have a "-" at the end of it.

The wind was knocked out of me. One of the rarest fish mons one could even find, rarer than a natural Gyrados.. Dratini, right there, wriggling on the end of my line.

But Dratini is a DRAGON! Not a fish!

I'm guessing you were trying to convey its a mon you can catch while fishing, but the way its worded just makes it sound like you are calling it a fish...

Once I regained composure, I quickly threw out my Sneasel. I NEEDED to get this thing's health down and catch it fast, or it would be lost to the ages. Thanks to False Swipe, I could make sure I didn't make it faint, so it was a matter of attrition to get this mon into my PC.

Good way to describe the urgency from the trainer to catch it.

It was not an easy fight, my mon was so electrocuted their fur stood up for weeks afterwards, and the PP of False Swipe was nearly drained, but I managed to catch it in a great ball.

Electrocuted? Did Dratini use electric attacks on it?

It only took one great ball?

After the excitement of THAT, I quickly packed up, and ran straight home to display it.

Display it? The Dratini IS still alive... RIGHT?

I did get a cool 30000P for it, and I'm now (semi) famous for being mentioned in the Pokedex!

If it was sold how is it being displayed?? (I'm guessing it was an award or something) Mentioned in the Pokedex? Why? What did it say? What is the submission process that leads to it getting included in the dex???

Closing thoughts:
Great job with establishing the setting and motivation of the character on this one!

 

[candycanearter07]

Golden rays extended from the sun to the shimmering lake below, illuminating the pale blue of its pristine surface.

OOOOH nice :D

Really makes one want to go outside on a nice day.

cheers :D i havent gone fishing in like at least 8 years, so...

What is a GTS? I'm guessing its something that should be obvious but since I don't know, maybe its something that could use some clarification?

Global Trade System, basically the system that Gamefreak introduced in the new games to trade with randoms.

So, I see what you are doing here ending this line without a period, but maybe you should at least have a "-" at the end of it.

ah, yea i felt like i was forgetting something there lol

But Dratini is a DRAGON! Not a fish!

I'm guessing you were trying to convey its a mon you can catch while fishing, but the way its worded just makes it sound like you are calling it a fish...

Oh- I wasn't sure if its a fish or not... thanks

Electrocuted? Did Dratini use electric attacks on it?

Yeah.

It only took one great ball?

Well, the HP was at 1 (or at least very low) from false swipe, so it would be a higher catch chance.

Display it? The Dratini IS still alive... RIGHT?

I MEANT SHOW IT OFF-

If it was sold how is it being displayed?? (I'm guessing it was an award or something) Mentioned in the Pokedex? Why? What did it say? What is the submission process that leads to it getting included in the dex???

Er.... sold to like researchers? Also it was just a random thing I threw in bc one of the pokedex entries for dratini does mention a unnamed fisher, so I thought it'd be cute to throw that in?

Yellow	The existence of this mythical Pokémon was only recently confirmed by a fisherman who caught one.

(wow, im surprised that was pasted with proper formatting...)

 

[133TFR33k]

cheers :D i havent gone fishing in like at least 8 years, so...

Aww sounds like you had a good time with it!

Global Trade System, basically the system that Gamefreak introduced in the new games to trade with randoms.

Good to know!

Yeah.

Ok if it used electric attacks, it might be good to describe what it used. Also, I don't think Dratini naturally has electric attacks learned. Normally it would need to be taught them via TM I think...

Well, the HP was at 1 (or at least very low) from false swipe, so it would be a higher catch chance.

Fair.

I MEANT SHOW IT OFF-

Might want to change to a word other than display then. It makes it sound like a taxidermy trophy.

Er.... sold to like researchers? Also it was just a random thing I threw in bc one of the pokedex entries for dratini does mention a unnamed fisher, so I thought it'd be cute to throw that in?

Yellow	The existence of this mythical Pokémon was only recently confirmed by a fisherman who caught one.

(wow, im surprised that was pasted with proper formatting...)

Oh! Wow that is a really cool detail! There has to be some better way of conveying it in the fic... its too cool to not convey in a way that lets people know. Maybe the character reads the Pokedex entry at the end or something.

 

[133TFR33k]

Review:
"quick writing dump sprint organization thread?"
Post #4 (No title or threadmark label for it)

Hi again candy!

Time for the next review!

Spoiler: Line by Line Reaction

The chance of rain was SUPPOSED to be 3 percent that evening, but I rolled snake eyes.

Might look better here if you have 3 spelled out as three.

Other than that, this line does a good job of explaining the protagonist's frustration with the rain and/or weather report.

Sitting at the edge of the water, as it poured over me. My shouts of frustration echoed across the rolling waves.

Oh so this is at the beach it would seem!

Another outdoor water setting with extra water falling from the sky no less!

Deep in thought, I barely noticed my feet moving across the edge, the water threatening to knock me over..

The edge of what I wonder? Also you are missing a "." at the end of the line.

I wonder what the protagonist is thinking about? Went straight from shouting to quiet contemplation, it seems.

how long had it been? Hours?

"how" needs capitalization.

This person just decided to stand out in the rain for hours? Or is this referring to something else I wonder?

The sun had long since left, leaving me in despair.

Well... or you could probably just walk home? Maybe? Curious what is keeping them here so long...

I looked down at my bag, holding all the supplies one would need for a shiny hunt.

Ah a shiny hunt.

Suddenly ALL of this makes sense now!

It takes a stupidly determined person to hunt for a shiny. It's almost a fools hunt.

Hunting for shiny Pokemon is the worst. Finding them is amazing, but hunting for them...

Today was going to be the lucky day, I knew it, but the waves were far too dangerous for my Lapras to overcome.

Ah such deliciously delusional optimism. They probably said the same thing the last 3,456 days in a row they were hunting for one too.

Waves too dangerous for a Lapras? Doubtful. It's a water type. What's it going to do, drown?

More like too dangerous for YOU! If it's a hurricane going on... MAYBE, but even the worst weather report should see THAT coming. Now if you are saying Mewtwo from Pokemon the first Movie decided to visit the region and cook up a storm, THAT is another matter entirely. Or maybe if Kyogre is doing it.

I stomped across the coast, wishing I could go out and battle and catch one and

This line needs a "-" at the end of it.

Wait, that can't be right. Why do I feel a battle coming? The island wasn't supposed to have any encounters, and I never knew anyone who fought a wild mon here.

Feel a battle coming? Does this person have psychic powers or something?

It was devoid of any tall grass, any hospitable living conditions, ever since the volcano, so WHAT could be attacking me at this point?

If its already attacking, aka performing attacks, what does the attack look like? If it's not attacking yet but approaching, then it might be better to clarify it.

I didn't understand. Whatever this was, it looked like some kind of TV static come to life.

OH I THINK I KNOW WHAT THIS IS!!

It's MissingNo. right?!

This person is on the side of Cinnabar Island!

Shaking, I held up my Pokedex, ready to scan it, but whatever it was nearly set it on fire from trying to comprehend this... thing?

It's a failed Porygon experiment from the abandoned lab, I'm guessing.

Nice way of describing the attempt to scan it!

I cursed myself for never investing in a camera, if anyone was going to believe me about this, I had to catch it, and NOW. Before it dissipated into smoke, making me look like an insane person.

Well, or you could just not talk about it and try to have your therapist help convince you it was just a hallucination or something.

Unfortunately, whatever it was, it did NOT have good defense. It went down after a single tackle.. I decided to cut my losses and head home before the day could get more disappointing, barely noticing how heavy my bag had become.

Ah, a reference to the item glitch. Nice!

Closing thoughts:
The storm was so odd that I was expecting an explanation for it, but maybe you intended it to have been caused by MissingNo.? I suppose that can be an acceptable explanation.

I wish you gave your protagonists genders. It trips me up having to use "they" or review in ways that avoids pronouns. You are, of course, completely in your right to not assign gender. This is just a technical gripe of mine and one I see no need to mention again for the rest of your posts.

As with the other posts, this one could use better spacing for lines. If you want me to format one of your posts with spacing I would suggest as an example, just let me know.

To end on a positive note, as this has been a good read, I love how this was full of suspense, mystery, and a twist ending with MissingNo being found instead of a shiny. Very cool.

 

[candycanearter07]

I wish you gave your protagonists genders. It trips me up having to use "they" or review in ways that avoids pronouns. You are, of course, completely in your right to not assign gender. This is just a technical gripe of mine and one I see no need to mention again for the rest of your posts.

Maybe. IDK, even for my "actual" characters, I practically just coin flip or go for vibes.

The storm was so odd that I was expecting an explanation for it, but maybe you intended it to have been caused by MissingNo.? I suppose that can be an acceptable explanation.

Yeah, that explains it pretty good

Might look better here if you have 3 spelled out as three.

Right, same thing as the uh first one.
(side note im gonna be going back and rewriting these top to bottom?)

Oh so this is at the beach it would seem!

Cinnabar Island, to be exact. You know which side ;)

The edge of what I wonder? Also you are missing a "." at the end of the line.

The edge of the island, right on the bugged tiles... ;)

Well... or you could probably just walk home? Maybe? Curious what is keeping them here so long...

Crying on the beach really helps get emotions out.

It takes a stupidly determined person to hunt for a shiny. It's almost a fools hunt.

Yeah, I do NOT have the patience for it, lol. I know in the newer games it's slightly easier.

More like too dangerous for YOU! If it's a hurricane going on... MAYBE,

Maybe they're too confident to admit to themself they're worried, so they like push it off as "oh I don't want my LAPRAS hurt"

This line needs a "-" at the end of it.

yea oops

Feel a battle coming? Does this person have psychic powers or something?

....hm. Maybe like some "strange sounding pokemon cry from the shallow waves", or something? I was completely in the mindset of "oh the games flash the screen when you start a battle so its like that"

If its already attacking, aka performing attacks, what does the attack look like? If it's not attacking yet but approaching, then it might be better to clarify it.

So just replace "attack" with "approach"?

It's MissingNo. right?!

This person is on the side of Cinnabar Island!

yea there it is :>

Nice way of describing the attempt to scan it!

Shoddy Devon Co. Tech... can't even scan unholy anomalies in space time! SMH.

Well, or you could just not talk about it and try to have your therapist help convince you it was just a hallucination or something.

spooooky zorua prank or something

Ah, a reference to the item glitch. Nice!

cheers ;)

 

[133TFR33k]

Maybe. IDK, even for my "actual" characters, I practically just coin flip or go for vibes.

Well, after you have vibe sorted out, you could decide on what gender you feel meshes with that vibe and make some quick edits to work it in. Completely up to you on it though. I've said my piece on it.

Yeah, that explains it pretty good

Makes sense to me then.

Right, same thing as the uh first one.
(side note im gonna be going back and rewriting these top to bottom?)

Well if you do, you are welcome to have me take another look at them.

Cinnabar Island, to be exact. You know which side ;)

Indeed I do!

The edge of the island, right on the bugged tiles... ;)

In retrospect, this makes lots of sense, but until you learn that, it can be pretty confusing to readers hence why I pointed it out in case you wanted to adjust it.

Crying on the beach really helps get emotions out.

Fair.

Yeah, I do NOT have the patience for it, lol. I know in the newer games it's slightly easier.

The old games were brutal with it. Though the concept of 'shiny' did NOT exist until gold/silver so if you are REALLY going for a retro feel here, you would want to avoid the concept of shiny.

Maybe they're too confident to admit to themself they're worried, so they like push it off as "oh I don't want my LAPRAS hurt"

Probably a way you could show that in the writing. As it stands, most readers would be left to conclude the trainer actually thought the storm would be dangerous for Lapras.

OH! I just got an idea: you could add a little bit about the trainer being worried about his Lapras being struck by lightning from the storm! THAT would be horrible for it considering its weak to electric damage.

....hm. Maybe like some "strange sounding pokemon cry from the shallow waves", or something? I was completely in the mindset of "oh the games flash the screen when you start a battle so its like that"

I think describing the noise would be a great idea. Maybe something like this:

"Suddenly I heard a noise. Could it be a Pokemon? It sounded wrong. Wrong in ways that defied the senses. Like if it sounded like a color or a taste. The noise was maddening, terrifying, and otherworldly. No Pokemon should be able to sound like what I was hearing. Was I losing my mind?"

So just replace "attack" with "approach"?

Sure that would probably work, or at the very least it should work much better than 'attack' unless you plan to describe the attack.

Shoddy Devon Co. Tech... can't even scan unholy anomalies in space time! SMH.

Yeah, this part was cool.

spooooky zorua prank or something

Yeah! That's what it was!

...that's what it was...

help me.

 

[candycanearter07]

I threw the door open, and a warm blast of air greeted me.

Summertime was never my favorite, but at least the plants were enjoying all the extra sun. It was far too hot for me to withstand very long, though. Clutching the iced water bottle tightly, I carefully inspected each of my berry sprouts for heath, and feeding them with some of the bottle. Once I finally managed to get through each one, I practically collapsed into my apartment, dreading the next day I'd have to fight to keep my bushes alive.

The sun came back up the next day, and I headed back outside to the garden. I immediately knew something was off. All the berries had seemed to disappear! Searching around the surrounding area, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, except...

There were some scratch marks on one of the fences. Clear signs of a breaking and entering. Why would they only target the garden, though?

Day after day, I woke up earlier, hoping to catch whoever it was. I was always slightly too late, though, as the bushes were picked clean. I was determined to protect my plants, no matter what, though.

Grabbing my best pokemons, items, and a small tent, I stomped outside into the warzone. No matter what, this WOULD end today.

A slight rustle jolted me out of the book I was reading. Yawning, I glanced at my wristwatch. 2am. Well, nobody said this was going to be easy.

My hand stretched out toward the flap, my heart was pounding in my ears, I was ending this right now-!

I flung the tent flap away.

A lone Beedrill was staring back at me, fear in its eyes.

From the foresting books, I recognized that it was a female Beedrill, a natural gatherer. Maybe they recognized me as a fellow female...

The adrenaline left my body instantly, and was replaced by shame. How could I have interrupted a pokemon minding it's own buisness? But... I still wanted to harvest my own berries...

Shakily, slowly, I carefully inched closer to the frightened bee. I had managed to calm it down, using some of the nature guide tricks, and let it go free, back to its hive.

The next day, after a LONG rest, I put out some berries in a bowl, for my friend to harvest that night.

 

[candycanearter07]

In retrospect, this makes lots of sense, but until you learn that, it can be pretty confusing to readers hence why I pointed it out in case you wanted to adjust it.

Fair, I'll try to specify it's the waters edge then.

The old games were brutal with it. Though the concept of 'shiny' did NOT exist until gold/silver so if you are REALLY going for a retro feel here, you would want to avoid the concept of shiny.

I THINK g/s has cinnabar, right? It does include the whole Kanto map...

OH! I just got an idea: you could add a little bit about the trainer being worried about his Lapras being struck by lightning from the storm! THAT would be horrible for it considering its weak to electric damage.

OH good idea, that would be awful being out at sea like that with a damaged mon.

Yeah! That's what it was!

...that's what it was...

help me.

zorua found out what tvs are run