Pokémon quick writing dump sprint organization thread?

[133TFR33k]

Fair, I'll try to specify it's the waters edge then.

I THINK g/s has cinnabar, right? It does include the whole Kanto map...

They do, but you don't honestly think a glitch of that caliber survived into the next generation of games do you? That glitch was fixed in Yellow version which came even before gold/silver.

Granted, this is a bit of a nitpick and one I didn't even think of until now. I think most readers wouldn't question it.

OH good idea, that would be awful being out at sea like that with a damaged mon.

Glad to be of service!

zorua found out what tvs are run

 

[133TFR33k]

Review:
"quick writing dump sprint organization thread?"
Post #5 (No title or threadmark label for it)

Spoiler: Line by Line Reaction

I was never one for putting myself in unnecessary danger, so how did I end up out in the ocean, about to dive into one of the most dangerous caves of the region?

Alright I'm curious. How?

"You all set to go?", said the answer.

Nice way of describing who/what is talking. I like it.

My old trainer friend, one of those types to get in way over their head, and drag everyone down with them..

Needs an extra dot at the end.

How did they get the protagonist to come with them this time, I wonder?

including me, this time.

First word needs capital.

I would never go on a wild goose chase to catch some "legendary", but of course I'm the only photography expert he knew, and he somehow got me out into the water before I could even object.

Wow that guy would make a great used car salesman I imagine! I can't imagine how he duped the protagonist so thoroughly. If you are willing, it might be a good detail to expand upon.

Also, is this person Todd from Pokemon snap???

"Do we really have to do this NOW?", I responded, desperate to get out of this and go back to my comftorable, safe home and never think about it again.

Comfortable spelled wrong

I mean you're in the water now, person. In for a penny in for a POUND now! 😅

Of course, I knew the answer before he even opened his mouth, there was no talking him out of something. "C'mon, we already traveled allll the way here! You don't want to go back empty handed, riiight?"

I wonder why the protagonist is just NOW questioning things after coming 'allll the way' there.

Protagonist: 'Kidnapped! I've been kidnapped!! HELP!!!'

The 'friend': "On the vast expanse of the ocean, no one can hear you scream..."

Protagonist: help.

Against my better judgement, that convinced me, and suddenly we dived down into the murky depths, and I prayed we would come back out the other side in one piece.

Very well understood by now how scary this is for the protagonist.

The Seafloor Cavern was a thing of legends, of course. Legendary in all the worst ways. Hundreds of trainers traveled there, hopeful to catch a glimpse of one of the two Hoenn legendaries (reports never seemed to agree WHICH one was down there, but they all agreed there was one), and whited out far before the last chamber.

I wonder what whited out means in actual reality...

Good job at setting the danger level.

This is about Lugia, I assume.

Even if you made it through the gauntlet, of course, you'd THEN have to fight a LEGENDARY, which if they WERE real would destroy you without even blinking. It was an obvious death trap if ever there was one.

But has anyone ever died or is that what whited out means for your fic here?

Gasping for air, we managed to get to the entrance of the cave mostly intact, save for a chunk of damage sustained from some wild mons around the area. We DID have a Abra with Teleport, but if they went down, we'd be stuck down here for a long long time.

You mean to tell me that they traveled KNOWINGLY to a legendary and dangerous cave and they didn't even pack a single revive in case Abra faints?!

Also, Abra being able to teleport trivializes the danger you just spent all those words building up. Presumably you are saying they can use it inside the cave, so it's easy to go back to town at any time.

I tried to shove that out of my mind, and shakily followed my friend, who was bouncing with excitement at finding the elusive mon.

Friend has a death wish. Run while you can!

------

It felt like hours since we saw any light. Flash thankfully let us see well enough to navigate, but that could only do so much against the encroaching darkness of the cave.

Which mon do they use for that? If it's Abra, that could help with the suspense because then they couldn't even SEE much less teleport if it goes down!

Our potion supply was starting to wear thin, too, and I was starting to hold my Abra pokeball close to my chest, afraid to even risk losing our only safety net out of this mess. HE, however, took it all in stride, constantly running ahead and tripping, and getting us into far more battles than I would've liked.

I assume you are talking about the guy friend, not Abra here. You might want to clarify it though.

Yep... Death wish.

Run.

He's not one to use repels,

I think this might work better with a period instead of a comma.

claims it "takes the danger out of it, and wheres the fun in that?"

If you separate this as a new sentence, you should capitalize here too.

Yeah... FUN.

I'd prefer if the "danger" were very, VERY far away from anything I ever did, but here we were. Alone.

You know you could always just teleport away...

Finally, FINALLY, the chambers started to widen out a little. A sliver of natural light drew me into the last chamber and..

Missing a dot at the end.

Yep heeeeeres Lugia!

nothing.

Needs capital.

Nothing though?? Hmmm...

There WAS no legendary here. I felt like I could finally exhale, I was right, while all of this might have been for nothing, at least I didn't have to fight a hulking beast on top of how miserable my experience already was.

Or you could have just teleported.

I feel like the protagonist should make a speech about conquering their fear and/or having their friend owe them a favor now or something. You a know journey not the destination kind of thing.

My friend, however, seemed to be taken aback, before shrugging, and crossing that entry off his little bucket list.

Crazy death wish list more like lol... All that without a revive for Abra

With a sigh of relief, I threw down my Abra, and teleported us the hell out of there.

Anticlimactic is a great way of subverting expectations. In this little fic, I think it works very well!

// i didnt want to do 3 STORIES about finding legendaries in a ROW so..

Yep. Good choice!

 

[candycanearter07]

Alright I'm curious. How?

Well, it's in the middle of the ocean and very far down.

Wow that guy would make a great used car salesman I imagine! I can't imagine how he duped the protagonist so thoroughly. If you are willing, it might be a good detail to expand upon.

IDK how to write charisma lol

Also, is this person Todd from Pokemon snap???

wait the protag has a name?

Comfortable spelled wrong

dam you firefox spellcheck!!

I mean you're in the water now, person. In for a penny in for a POUND now! 😅

havent heard that one before

I wonder why the protagonist is just NOW questioning things after coming 'allll the way' there.

CHARISMA

Protagonist: 'Kidnapped! I've been kidnapped!! HELP!!!'

The 'friend': "On the vast expanse of the ocean, no one can hear you scream..."

Protagonist: help.

spooky!

I wonder what whited out means in actual reality...

I always headcanoned it as like a feature of the trainer cards, similar to how pmd badges can teleport you back if you're ko'd.

But has anyone ever died or is that what whited out means for your fic here?

Yeah, its game rules here

You mean to tell me that they traveled KNOWINGLY to a legendary and dangerous cave and they didn't even pack a single revive in case Abra faints?!

Also, Abra being able to teleport trivializes the danger you just spent all those words building up. Presumably you are saying they can use it inside the cave, so it's easy to go back to town at any time.

yes. I think the tension kinda comes from it being their only fighting mon, so if they get knocked out they're stranded?

Which mon do they use for that? If it's Abra, that could help with the suspense because then they couldn't even SEE much less teleport if it goes down!

OOH YEA- wait can abra learn flash?

I assume you are talking about the guy friend, not Abra here. You might want to clarify it though.

Yea fair

Yep... Death wish.

Run.

This guy always gets way in over their head.

I think this might work better with a period instead of a comma.

Oh, ok yea it does seem a bit run-on.

You know you could always just teleport away...

Well, that would take the Abra with them, so the friend would be.... yea. He'd have to talk his friend into doing that, which ain't happening.

I feel like the protagonist should make a speech about conquering their fear and/or having their friend owe them a favor now or something. You a know journey not the destination kind of thing.

HAH, yea. Or complain about being dragged along with another dangerous mission.

Crazy death wish list more like lol... All that without a revive for Abra

confidence is a hella a drug

Anticlimactic is a great way of subverting expectations. In this little fic, I think it works very well!

Yep. Good choice!

thanks :> very minor subverting expectations, but its there

 

[133TFR33k]

IDK how to write charisma lol

Hmm I'm not sure I am either. Certainly is easier to do if I am working with my own characters on it though.

wait the protag has a name?

If you want you could make him Todd from Pokemon Snap. Its a retro pokemon photography game for the Nintendo 64!

dam you firefox spellcheck!!

havent heard that one before

Yeah its an old saying that means if you give a tiny bit then you give the ENTIRE way.

CHARISMA

Maybe you could say his friend told him it would be a surprise and then tells him right before they go down there?

spooky!

I always headcanoned it as like a feature of the trainer cards, similar to how pmd badges can teleport you back if you're ko'd.

I guess that's as good a guess as any. The world may never know...

Yeah, its game rules here

That does take away a considerable amount of danger. Kind of deflates the danger balloon while you are trying to fill it...

yes. I think the tension kinda comes from it being their only fighting mon, so if they get knocked out they're stranded?

Wait... Abra is the ONLY MON they have with them at all?! What level IS that Abra? 100?

If its less than level 16 to evolve into Kadabra then I don't understand how they made it more than a few feet into the cave, let alone the whole thing! Aren't the mon in there probably level 40 AT LEAST? I don't know if you have ever tried to beat a level 40 mon with a level 15 mon, but in almost all cases, it goes VERY badly for the level 15!

OOH YEA- wait can abra learn flash?

Yep!

Well, that would take the Abra with them, so the friend would be.... yea. He'd have to talk his friend into doing that, which ain't happening.

Just teleport out anyway. He can white out. Its not like he will get hurt or anything. I mean.. his MON might not like it, but that's what Pokemon Centers are for!

thanks :> very minor subverting expectations, but its there

Well its not like you wrote a 1,000,000 word epic fic or something. Minor subvert works perfectly fine here.

 

[133TFR33k]

Review:
"quick writing dump sprint organization thread?"
Post #6 (No title or threadmark label for it)

Greeting, illustrious candy!

I am here to proffer the latest in my series of reviews for your delicately decided strings or words!

Spoiler: Line by Line Reaction

[this one is based off a real thingy i got to go do :D]

That sounds massively cool... I wonder what it was?

The murky depths of the water seemed to stretch infinitely below me.

Hmm if they are murky then you can't see that far down. If you can't see, then how could it seem infinite?

What about like this:

"The murky depths of the water concealed the potential vastness beneath, limited only by what I could imagine."

Shivering, I tried not to look down, and focus on paddling my boat.

Again it's murky, so looking would only be a reminder about what COULD be beyond the murk.

Maybe "I tried not to think about all the things I couldn't see that could be lurking in the depths."

To be clear though I think the things I am pointing out are not super important, and I think you've done a good job on wording things so far. You are certainly setting a creepy vibe.

According to the Pokenet, some magical event was supposed to happen here, some beautiful sight that you can't get anywhere else. Me being the gullible idiot I am, followed up on that, and that's how I ended up out here. On the lake. On a rickety (rented) paddleboat. At 2 in the f*&^ morning.

Probably better to switch 2 to two here.

Aw, you self censored the swear word! Thanks! I honestly think fics could do without them in a lot of cases. If you had put it in, you would want to put a warning label on it for language probably

Looking up, I could at least appreciate the stars shining above, the little glimmering confetti in the sky.

Instead of looking, how about enhancing it with "As I shifted my gaze upward,"

Nice description of the sky!

I didn't get that kind of view from the city. It wasn't worth the drive out to the countryside, but this whole thing at least wasn't a complete loss.

Instead of "but" maybe "so at least"?

I also learned my lesson about not trusting people online. The water almost seemed to glow under the stars.. and it was getting brighter. Huh?

What?? Not trust people online?!

Hmm but what is happening here?

The silence of the lake was broken by a loud splash, as a glowing pokemon suddenly jumped from the water, as if to say hi.

Well hi to you too!

Apparently, the whole lake was home to a school(?) of Lanturns, a pokemon I'd never seen before.

I like how this encounter happens as night. It really shows off the cool bioluminescence they have.

It was truly mesmerizing watching the little lights dance underneath the surface, them playing and swimming and all.

That does sound pretty cool.

Before I knew it, the sun was peeking over the horizon. Hurriedly, I began to paddle back to shore, ready to return to my life, carrying that experience with me.

Yep it's good to be able to see some stuff like that ones life. Curious what your personal experience that inspired it was.

I think your descriptions are getting better. This provided some great imagery. Thanks!

 

[candycanearter07]

That sounds massively cool... I wonder what it was?

uhh luminous algae tour! we went out on paddleboats at like midnight and it was super cool

Hmm if they are murky then you can't see that far down. If you can't see, then how could it seem infinite?

What about like this:

"The murky depths of the water concealed the potential vastness beneath, limited only by what I could imagine."

Oh true, I just like the whole "describing water as an infinite portal downwards" thing, and didn't realize it conflicted :P

To be clear though I think the things I am pointing out are not super important, and I think you've done a good job on wording things so far. You are certainly setting a creepy vibe.

It IS the middle of the night... far from their home.... following instructions from the Pokenet. Practically describes a horror movie opening to a tee.

Probably better to switch 2 to two here.

Agh!! I keep forgetting to do that! I'm so used to writing time with numbers :P

Aw, you self censored the swear word! Thanks! I honestly think fics could do without them in a lot of cases. If you had put it in, you would want to put a warning label on it for language probably

Yeah, I'm a bit iffy on writing out full swears unless I'm really upset.

Instead of looking, how about enhancing it with "As I shifted my gaze upward,"

ooooo, even MORE tension building!!

What?? Not trust people online?!

IKR??? What kinda person would do that??????????

Hmm but what is happening here?

the intrigue!!

I like how this encounter happens as night. It really shows off the cool bioluminescence they have.

Yeah, thats why I did it like that ;) and also to set up the tension and release

I think your descriptions are getting better. This provided some great imagery. Thanks!

:D good to know

 

[133TFR33k]

uhh luminous algae tour! we went out on paddleboats at like midnight and it was super cool

WOAH! That sounds amazing!

Oh true, I just like the whole "describing water as an infinite portal downwards" thing, and didn't realize it conflicted :P

Yeah, I mean I like the way you worded it regardless, just that the idea conflicted some.

It IS the middle of the night... far from their home.... following instructions from the Pokenet. Practically describes a horror movie opening to a tee.

Indeed!

Agh!! I keep forgetting to do that! I'm so used to writing time with numbers :P

Yeah, totally understandable. I mess it up too sometimes.

Yeah, I'm a bit iffy on writing out full swears unless I'm really upset.

ooooo, even MORE tension building!!

IKR??? What kinda person would do that??????????

Yeah, thats why I did it like that ;) and also to set up the tension and release

Yep, you did a good job with it too!

:D good to know

 

[candycanearter07]

WOAH! That sounds amazing!

it was :D

Yeah, I mean I like the way you worded it regardless, just that the idea conflicted some.

Yea, I was kinda thinking "murky pond water"

Yep, you did a good job with it too!

^^

 

[candycanearter07]

[trying something different this time, so no humans!! only mon interactions!]
[also some might complan about the generation mismatch but shh]

Heat surrounded the sleeping beast, and it slowly stirred into consciousness. With a roar that shook the heavens, an enormous, scaly lizard mon scaled the volcano it was sleeping in, and took stock of their domain. The mountain range stretched far out of view, stabbing out of the earth as if to guard the domain.

Not a single creature, human or mon, was brave enough to withstand the immense heat of the region, save for a couple Magcargos. And, of course, all the aspiring trainers. Their hopes of being the first to capture the legendary Groudon crushed under the unforgiving enviroment, an unforgiving labyrinth of their design. And any who managed the arduous path to encounter them were far too weak to stand a chance. In other words, there wasn't a living being for miles. Just how they liked it.

Even still, they did their daily rounds across their domain. While they could care less if a trainer got hurt, fellow pokemon were far more honorable. They had a policy to always deposit any pokemon, fainted or not, outside of their domain for their own safety.

Another trainer felled. This pathetic whelp barely even tried. Once the gravity of their situation, and type matchup, hit them, they turned tail and cowardly escape rope'd away to wherever all the trainers spawn from. In the rush of things, the slime even left one of their oh-so-precious mons behind, a poor Snom. Obviously, fire and ice mixed as well as himself and Kyogre, but the little guy was clearly badly hurt in the scuffle. Releasing them into the wild would be a death sentence.

The kid was surrounded in a fort of Magic Ice, an approximation of, they assumed, wherever ice pokemon lived. They were careful to block off the entrance, and sneak in berries to the small home, in order to not startle the Snom..

Finally, after they were sure they had made a full recovery, they snuck the little Snom out while asleep, carefully depositing them in a grass patch a great distance from their domain. While it wasn't an ice region, surely they would be okay now...

[yeaa the descriptions kinda lightened as the thing went on, sorry..]

 

[133TFR33k]

Review:
"berry shade"

Howdy!

Looks like it's time for the next review!

Oooo and it has a threadmark which doubles as a name! I am proud of you for that.

Spoiler: Line by Line Reaction

I threw the door open, and a warm blast of air greeted me.

Hmm... what about "I threw the door open, only to be greeted by a blast of warm air."

Summertime was never my favorite, but at least the plants were enjoying all the extra sun. It was far too hot for me to withstand very long, though.

Completely relatable. I can't stand high temperatures for long unless I'm swimming.

Clutching the iced water bottle tightly,

Iced? That implies it is perhaps frozen. Maybe 'chilled' would be a better word here? You could also say a bottle of ice-water. That way you know it at least has some water in it even if there is some ice in it too.

I carefully inspected each of my berry sprouts for heath, and feeding them with some of the bottle. Once I finally managed to get through each one, I practically collapsed into my apartment, dreading the next day I'd have to fight to keep my bushes alive.

Yes, the ever-present berry tending.

The sun came back up the next day,

It did!?

Probably a better way to word it. How about: "The next day," or maybe "The next day, as the sun broke free of the horizon" or something like that. Multiple ways to approach it.

and I headed back outside to the garden.

If you are trying to do more with spacing, you should put one here.

I immediately knew something was off. All the berries had seemed to disappear!

Another space should go here. Rather than the action of tracing to a location, this part shows what the character sees and realizes.

Searching around the surrounding area, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, except...

Oddly enough, I think removing the spacing here might work better since it's all part of the same general idea. You could argue the space was for emphasis for the "...". If so, that's a reasonable argument.

There were some scratch marks on one of the fences. Clear signs of a breaking and entering.

You could put a space here since it would separate this from the protagonists thoughts on the next line.

Why would they only target the garden, though?

Hungry looking for food, I'll bet!

Day after day, I woke up earlier, hoping to catch whoever it was. I was always slightly too late, though, as the bushes were picked clean.

Hmm why not just have a stakeout then?

I was determined to protect my plants, no matter what, though.

Stakeout time?

Grabbing my best pokemons

Pokemons?

I think it can work if you are saying "mons" but with it spelled out it just seems so... wrong!

One isn't a "Pokemons Master". They are a Pokemon Master. A master of Pokemon. It's not "gotta catch em all, Pokemons" it's "gotta catch em all, Pokemon" it's not the "world of Pokemons", it's the "world of Pokemon"...

, items, and a small tent, I stomped outside into the warzone. No matter what, this WOULD end today.

Stakeout time!

A slight rustle jolted me out of the book I was reading.

Nice description here!

Yawning, I glanced at my wristwatch. 2am.

Maybe switch it to 2:00am? Makes it look a little more like a time.

Well, nobody said this was going to be easy.

My hand stretched out toward the flap, my heart was pounding in my ears, I was ending this right now-!

Wait. So the protagonist knew exactly what time it would appear? If so, shouldn't they be a bit more energized instead of yawning right before? Might be good to include a detail that would have indicated it was time to exit the tent. Like something they heard, like the buzzing of bug type wings perhaps.

I flung the tent flap away.

A lone Beedrill was staring back at me, fear in its eyes.

Aw, almost makes the stakeout a mistake.

From the foresting books, I recognized that it was a female Beedrill, a natural gatherer. Maybe they recognized me as a fellow female...

This... is a momentous occasion! Ladies and gentleman, we have witnessed for the first time in recorded history,(I think?) candycaneeater07 has given his protagonist... A GENDER!!!!

The adrenaline left my body instantly, and was replaced by shame. How could I have interrupted a pokemon minding it's own buisness? But... I still wanted to harvest my own berries...

Well yeah. I mean that's why you grow them...

I wonder if there will be a collaboration going forward? Maybe Beedrill harvests them all and shares them with our female protag?

Shakily, slowly, I carefully inched closer to the frightened bee. I had managed to calm it down, using some of the nature guide tricks, and let it go free, back to its hive.

Wait a minute, why did Beedrill not just fly away when she got frightened? Did the protagonist throw out a capture net to keep her from moving first?

The next day, after a LONG rest, I put out some berries in a bowl, for my friend to harvest that night.

Why so long a rest?

Won't Beedrill just keep harvesting the berries from the bush, except now it will take the ones from the bowl first?

How will our protagonist get her berries if Beedrill takes them all?

Closing thoughts:
The spacing!! You have embraced the spacing!! WOOT!

With some practice and examples, I think you will be doing great with spacing soon.

Great to see a little more detail given for the protagonist on this one.

I think this could could benefit from a little more details on certain things. I don't think it would take very much to resolve any questions I had in the line by line.

Overall, this is a cute one, and with a little editing, you could enhance it further!

 

[133TFR33k]

Review:
"freezeflame"

Hello again.

I've been a bit tied up, so going to get another review in for you now!

Looks like this is the last post you have in here for now, but I DID see that you seem to have edited your original post to call it "scardy forest"! I do not mind reviewing posts you have finished editing, so if would like me to take another look, just let me know!

The title on this one is great to see, but I wonder why you don't want to use capital letters for it? You could make it "FreezeFlame" and it might give it more of a proper title look. Also, you may want to add the title into the post itself on a separate line. Just a thought.

Spoiler: Line by Line Reaction

[trying something different this time, so no humans!! only mon interactions!]

Oh! Fascinating! I'm curious to see how this turns out.

[also some might complan about the generation mismatch but shh]

I guess it depends on what you mean by that?

Heat surrounded the sleeping beast, and it slowly stirred into consciousness. With a roar that shook the heavens, an enormous, scaly lizard mon scaled the volcano it was sleeping in, and took stock of their domain. The mountain range stretched far out of view,

Ooo I like a LOT of what you are doing here!

stabbing out of the earth as if to guard the domain.

The way you have it talking about as if to guard, I'm having a hard time guessing how a mountain stabbing out of the ground is supposed to guard something except if its like a wall. Even then, there are valleys, so it doesn't do such a great job guarding. As for "domain" you used that word in the previous sentence and using it again kind of takes away from the effect.

Suggestion:
"stabbing out of the earth like silent colossal witnesses to their awakened master."

Not a single creature, human or mon, was brave enough to withstand the immense heat of the region, save for a couple Magcargos. And, of course, all the aspiring trainers.

How about: "The only creatures brave enough to withstand the immense heat of the region, were a couple Magcargos and some aspiring trainers."

Seems to make it read easier.

Their hopes of being the first to capture the legendary Groudon crushed under the unforgiving enviroment, an unforgiving labyrinth of their design. And any who managed the arduous path to encounter them were far too weak to stand a chance.

environment is spelled wrong.

More good wording here! Good job at writing Groudon in a way that show's they are powerful.

In other words, there wasn't a living being for miles. Just how they liked it.

I don't get it though, how do the previous sentences mean there is no one around for miles? Suggestion:
"There wasn't a living being for miles. Just how they liked it."
I would also add spacing before it.

Even still, they did their daily rounds across their domain. While they could care less if a trainer got hurt,

Ah the correct phrase is that they "couldn't care less" meaning they are already caring the least amount possible. If they "could care less" it means they care and if they wanted, they could reduce the level that they care.

fellow pokemon were far more honorable. They had a policy to always deposit any pokemon, fainted or not, outside of their domain for their own safety.

Groudon didn't strike me as a mon that cares what happens to other Pokemon. If it did, why would it go to war with Kyogre in catastrophic ways that affect all Pokemon alive? You could perhaps say that when it comes to Kyogre, all bets are off. I guess that would work.

At any rate, Groudon being mindful of other Pokemon is a nice touch.

Another trainer felled. This pathetic whelp barely even tried. Once the gravity of their situation, and type matchup, hit them, they turned tail and cowardly escape rope'd away to wherever all the trainers spawn from.

Wait... but isn't escape rope only usable OUTSIDE of battle? How would a trainer use one after entering battle and confirming Groudon's typing? Do new gens allow escape rope inside battle?

I like how Groudon views trainers as weak. It makes sense for a pov of a powerful legendary.

In the rush of things, the slime even left one of their oh-so-precious mons behind, a poor Snom.

Heeyyyy.... escape rope doesn't leave behind mon! But for the purposes of this story, I can accept it as a feature.

Also, mixing generations is fine. They do all live in the Pokemon world after all.

Obviously, fire and ice mixed as well as himself and Kyogre, but the little guy was clearly badly hurt in the scuffle. Releasing them into the wild would be a death sentence.

Ah, nice mention of Kyogre here! Groudon has a strong sense of Pokemon responsibility.

The kid was surrounded in a fort of Magic Ice, an approximation of, they assumed, wherever ice pokemon lived. They were careful to block off the entrance, and sneak in berries to the small home, in order to not startle the Snom..

Aww Groudon is feeding the Snom to help it recover.

Finally, after they were sure they had made a full recovery, they snuck the little Snom out while asleep, carefully depositing them in a grass patch a great distance from their domain. While it wasn't an ice region, surely they would be okay now...

Nice way to end it here but seems like it could use a little extra, maybe something like:
"While it wasn't an ice region, that was as far as Groudon could bring them without abandoning the duty to their own domain. Groudon left a small pile of berries nearby before returning home. Surely they would be okay now..."

[yeaa the descriptions kinda lightened as the thing went on, sorry..]

Well hey, if you feel the descriptions got lighter, you can always go back to edit and spruce things up a bit. I do it all the time with my fic!

Closing thoughts:
I think this might have been your best post yet! Even though the other mon wasn't speaking or interacting with Groudon, it didn't even need to. I believe your writing is improveing!

 

[candycanearter07]

Oooo and it has a threadmark which doubles as a name! I am proud of you for that.

thanks! starting to get used to coming up with names now :P

Hmm... what about "I threw the door open, only to be greeted by a blast of warm air."

Good idea ^^

Completely relatable. I can't stand high temperatures for long unless I'm swimming.

Same. Not helpful that where I live it regularly gets beyond 100F

Iced? That implies it is perhaps frozen. Maybe 'chilled' would be a better word here? You could also say a bottle of ice-water. That way you know it at least has some water in it even if there is some ice in it too.

Ah, yeah. Very cold water to survive the heat, though.

It did!?

made me laugh :D

Probably a better way to word it. How about: "The next day," or maybe "The next day, as the sun broke free of the horizon" or something like that. Multiple ways to approach it.

Yeah, good idea. "Breaking free of the horizon" sounds a bit too epic, lol.

Another space should go here. Rather than the action of tracing to a location, this part shows what the character sees and realizes.

Ah, yea. So space out when the idea of the segment changes?

Stakeout time?

yep

Pokemons?

I think it can work if you are saying "mons" but with it spelled out it just seems so... wrong!

One isn't a "Pokemons Master". They are a Pokemon Master. A master of Pokemon. It's not "gotta catch em all, Pokemons" it's "gotta catch em all, Pokemon" it's not the "world of Pokemons", it's the "world of Pokemon"...

Fair, I think I just like adding an s because it sounds funny, but I probably should just change to mons.

Stakeout time!

someones excited :D

Maybe switch it to 2:00am? Makes it look a little more like a time.

Yeah, that works

Wait. So the protagonist knew exactly what time it would appear? If so, shouldn't they be a bit more energized instead of yawning right before? Might be good to include a detail that would have indicated it was time to exit the tent. Like something they heard, like the buzzing of bug type wings perhaps.

Ah, yea-! I think I was more going for they were just peeking out to survey, but adding the listening for wing flapping would help, esp since I was trying to imply they were a outdoorsy type. So, it would make sense they know how to listen for mons.

Aw, almost makes the stakeout a mistake.

mistake?

This... is a momentous occasion! Ladies and gentleman, we have witnessed for the first time in recorded history,(I think?) candycaneeater07 has given his protagonist... A GENDER!!!!

lol ^^
i just find it hard to sneak in a gender description "naturally" :P
maybe i should try to stop relying on "they" so much

I wonder if there will be a collaboration going forward? Maybe Beedrill harvests them all and shares them with our female protag?

dang, thats a better idea than what i went with :P

Wait a minute, why did Beedrill not just fly away when she got frightened? Did the protagonist throw out a capture net to keep her from moving first?

GOOD IDEA!! again, nature gal, they probably could set up a simple one

Why so long a rest?

have YOU ever stayed up until 2 am?
i do a lot (my sleep schedule is screwed up) so im speaking from experience

Won't Beedrill just keep harvesting the berries from the bush, except now it will take the ones from the bowl first?

How will our protagonist get her berries if Beedrill takes them all?

uhh.. i assume they only take as much as they need? its not like they could carry a ton

The spacing!! You have embraced the spacing!! WOOT!

With some practice and examples, I think you will be doing great with spacing soon.

yea hopefully :D

 

[candycanearter07]

Looks like this is the last post you have in here for now, but I DID see that you seem to have edited your original post to call it "scardy forest"! I do not mind reviewing posts you have finished editing, so if would like me to take another look, just let me know!

AH!! sorry! i probably should put some more stories in here... on the other hand, i might be a bit busy this month because of artfight, so i could put out like one or two this month and focus on applying ur tips to the older stuff?

The title on this one is great to see, but I wonder why you don't want to use capital letters for it? You could make it "FreezeFlame" and it might give it more of a proper title look. Also, you may want to add the title into the post itself on a separate line. Just a thought.

i have a habit of using lowercase a lot :P

Oh! Fascinating! I'm curious to see how this turns out.

hopefully not a trainwreck!

I guess it depends on what you mean by that?

snom not existing in hoenn?

Ooo I like a LOT of what you are doing here!

^^ I went very hard on the descriptions.

The way you have it talking about as if to guard, I'm having a hard time guessing how a mountain stabbing out of the ground is supposed to guard something except if its like a wall. Even then, there are valleys, so it doesn't do such a great job guarding. As for "domain" you used that word in the previous sentence and using it again kind of takes away from the effect.

Hm... I think I was going for, like, the imagery of spears stabbing out from the earth? Or like, you know how stereotypical guards hold up their spears? Like that.

Suggestion:
"stabbing out of the earth like silent colossal witnesses to their awakened master."

Oh, that's INSANELY good, especially with how Groudon can control the earth!!! Brings more of a literal interpretation.

"The only creatures brave enough to withstand the immense heat of the region, were a couple Magcargos and some aspiring trainers."

Oh, yea thats good ^^

More good wording here! Good job at writing Groudon in a way that show's they are powerful.

Well, they did almost destroy the world that one time!

I don't get it though, how do the previous sentences mean there is no one around for miles? Suggestion:

"the only creatures brave enough..."

Ah the correct phrase is that they "couldn't care less" meaning they are already caring the least amount possible. If they "could care less" it means they care and if they wanted, they could reduce the level that they care.

RIP, I completely missed this. I kinda put these out in little sprints, so that's where a lot of the smaller stuff comes from. Going too fast and all :P

Groudon didn't strike me as a mon that cares what happens to other Pokemon. If it did, why would it go to war with Kyogre in catastrophic ways that affect all Pokemon alive? You could perhaps say that when it comes to Kyogre, all bets are off. I guess that would work.

I always saw it as a sibling rivalry (also, weren't they fueled by primal rage at that point?)

Wait... but isn't escape rope only usable OUTSIDE of battle? How would a trainer use one after entering battle and confirming Groudon's typing? Do new gens allow escape rope inside battle?

Good point, should probably change that to a Teleport.

I like how Groudon views trainers as weak. It makes sense for a pov of a powerful legendary.

I'd imagine they'd also somewhat despise trainers because who wants to be captured?

Heeyyyy.... escape rope doesn't leave behind mon! But for the purposes of this story, I can accept it as a feature.

Cheers :D Maybe they wandered off and was far enough to not be caught in the range of the escape rope?

Also, mixing generations is fine. They do all live in the Pokemon world after all.

Yeah. Maybe its a roaming trainer aiming to complete every region or something :D

Ah, nice mention of Kyogre here!

had to sneak it in SOMEWHERE :)

Aww Groudon is feeding the Snom to help it recover.

small parental responsibility :))

Nice way to end it here but seems like it could use a little extra, maybe something like:
"While it wasn't an ice region, that was as far as Groudon could bring them without abandoning the duty to their own domain. Groudon left a small pile of berries nearby before returning home. Surely they would be okay now..."

awww, that woulld be sweet ^^

Well hey, if you feel the descriptions got lighter, you can always go back to edit and spruce things up a bit. I do it all the time with my fic!

yea! i think i was starting to get a bit tired/losing stream at the end :P

I think this might have been your best post yet! Even though the other mon wasn't speaking or interacting with Groudon, it didn't even need to. I believe your writing is improveing!

Thanks!!!

 

[133TFR33k]

Spoiler: Reply To berry shade review reply

thanks! starting to get used to coming up with names now :P

Names really add a nice touch. Great to see you making them.

Good idea ^^

You may want to switch warm to hot though if you are going for 100 degrees.

Same. Not helpful that where I live it regularly gets beyond 100F

If it is also humid at the same time that would suuuck!

Ah, yeah. Very cold water to survive the heat, though.

makes sense

made me laugh :D

me too lol

Yeah, good idea. "Breaking free of the horizon" sounds a bit too epic, lol.

Probably

Ah, yea. So space out when the idea of the segment changes?

Generally, yes. I can help point out more places to add spacing in future reviews to help you get the hang of it.

Fair, I think I just like adding an s because it sounds funny, but I probably should just change to mons.

probably would work a bit better, yes.

someones excited :D

Well... I called it. So yes. I got a bit excited.

Ah, yea-! I think I was more going for they were just peeking out to survey, but adding the listening for wing flapping would help, esp since I was trying to imply they were a outdoorsy type. So, it would make sense they know how to listen for mons.

mistake?

I was going for a light pun there. But also, scaring the Beedrill made me feel bad for the Beedrill.

lol ^^
i just find it hard to sneak in a gender description "naturally" :P
maybe i should try to stop relying on "they" so much

I think using they makes sense in some cases, but most of the time he/she is easier for your readers and adds a little more depth to your story.

dang, thats a better idea than what i went with :P

You can use it if you want. I don't mind!

GOOD IDEA!! again, nature gal, they probably could set up a simple one

Glad to be of service!

have YOU ever stayed up until 2 am?
i do a lot (my sleep schedule is screwed up) so im speaking from experience

That is a fair point. Also... yes. I have, perhaps a bit too often...

uhh.. i assume they only take as much as they need? its not like they could carry a ton

Ok... then riddle me this? Why did all the berries disappear from the bush in an earlier date? Were there multiple Beedrill harvesting them?

 

[133TFR33k]

Spoiler: Reply To review reply for freezeflame

AH!! sorry! i probably should put some more stories in here... on the other hand, i might be a bit busy this month because of artfight, so i could put out like one or two this month and focus on applying ur tips to the older stuff?

That sounds fine. Just let me know when you are ready for me to re-review some of the older stuff. As for new posts, I have it set as a watched thread so I'll be able to see.

i have a habit of using lowercase a lot :P

I've noticed.

^^ I went very hard on the descriptions.

Not a bad thing at all!

Hm... I think I was going for, like, the imagery of spears stabbing out from the earth? Or like, you know how stereotypical guards hold up their spears? Like that.

Oh, that's INSANELY good, especially with how Groudon can control the earth!!! Brings more of a literal interpretation.

I was pretty proud of that one myself. I wanted to make it match the epic description you had going so far. Please feel free to use it if you like.

Oh, yea thats good ^^

Well, they did almost destroy the world that one time!

Indeed.

"the only creatures brave enough..."

Yeah, the aspiring trainers. Aspiring trainers don't equate to no one and thus makes it seem like there ARE people around for miles: aspiring trainers.

RIP, I completely missed this. I kinda put these out in little sprints, so that's where a lot of the smaller stuff comes from. Going too fast and all :P

It's a common mistake. People say it wrong all the time.

I always saw it as a sibling rivalry (also, weren't they fueled by primal rage at that point?)

Sure, that's another way you can look at it. Primal rage might be the best explanation too.

I'd imagine they'd also somewhat despise trainers because who wants to be captured?

Good point. Probably worth putting in your story.

had to sneak it in SOMEWHERE :)

small parental responsibility :))

Very cute.

awww, that woulld be sweet ^^

Add it in then!