Chapter 1
The opening is just fantastic. It's hard to follow, but not in a bad way. Whatever is happening to the main character is obviously
distressing, and he's not sure either. My theory is either he's got a sudden illness, or he's being pulled in two, away from himself. I feel
the latter is more likely.
There I was, just having a wonderful day on patrol in Houston… when it happened.
I also really like the opening line. A good hook is necessary to pull a reader in, and you've done it well.
I did find it confusing when the perspective changed, but this is down to my dislike of first-person narrative leaping from head to head. My initial thought was that the MC was now a gardevoir, but when it mentioned the gunfire I realised, from the synopsis, this wasn't the case XD This is a personal nit-pick though and not one I feel you should address.
Mason's reaction to finding himself face-to-face with a pokemon was very believable. Even in the games the player character doesn't seem to react very strongly to finding themselves transformed and in a new world. I'm surprised at the direction you've taken keeping Mason as a human. He'll be a fish out of water for some time, especially firing guns at other pokemon!
I'm very surprised to find he just... killed those houndoom. And his allies didn't seem very bothered by that? I'm guessing something deeper is going on here if they're not gonna bat an eyelid at a non-pokemon outright killing their own kind.
The little lore-drop was neat. It's nice to know early on that humans aren't unknown in this world. What did happen to them, though? And why does Mason seem to suffer with headaches? And how on earth did he break his legs? So many questions raised in one opening chapter!
Typos
Should be 'at the pain'
Chapter 2
I really like Merek. That regal voice just suits him, and you don't expect a pokemon like malamar to be... well... nice. (Memories of the anime just come flooding back here...)
he commented as he pulled some pieces of paper out and wrote with a quill and ink. I didn’t want to know where he got the ink.
Some things are best left unanswered.
Mason's paranoia towards all those stares just adds more to his fish out of water status. Surrounded by, what to him, are aliens is just
plain unsettling. But it's nice he's warming to some of the other characters already.
That headache is growing worrying. At one point, when the paper floated towards him, I thought he was perhaps developing psychic powers. Almost as if he's meant to have been transformed but it's not worked. I'm probably totally wrong here though given the premise.
Basic decoration, some paintings and flowers that I was barely able to keep alive.
This is a nice little detail into her character, especially being a doctor and almost unable to care for plants!
I'm beginning to think Mason was shot in the head and someone stole his missing gun? Hmm... there were a few hint drops back at the scene with the houndoom that's pointed me in that direction. If that was the case, then why did his headache start while he was still a human working with his Dad? Questions! You've definitely got me thinking.
Just as an aside, some things don't seem to flow well while I'm reading them.
This one, for example:
“Do you think that the Bidoof’s berry bag is really out here? What did he say that he was scared from here by again?”
Chapter 3
The warm air wrapped around my bare chest and back.
Where the hell was my shirt?
Not exactly the first thing one might wonder on waking! XD
“What are we gonna do with the Scarlet?”
Typo, there's an extra word here with 'the Scarlet'.
This chapter was certainly action-packed. Scarlet is a very interesting character. I too would like to know what pokemon in this world think of those that are considered 'shiny' to humans.
The zoroark bad-guy seems like a force to be reckoned with. His use of illusion is pretty terrifying, and he's already given our main cast a run
for their money. It'll be interesting to see how Scarlet fits in with the team. Also... Mason's father was the other human? Or is that a red herring? As surely he'd recognize his father's name, unless he's forgotten everything except his own? (Or has he? We weren't given his name before he arrived in this strange world...)
Interesting how the decidueye and Lloyd have a history! This will be exciting
to watch play out! =D (Two of my favourite pokemon are the bad guys... eek!)
Chapter 4
“It's not every day you see a Honedge in these parts, especially a… uh, Chosen.”
Interesting! What makes them 'chosen'? :o
I really liked this chapter. It was interesting to get into Scarlet's head for a bit and get her perspective on things. Her distaste to being blunted
was an amusing running issue in this chapter. I really like how she's becoming a part of the team, and taking this exam with Mason.
I did love it when she had Mason weild her. I don't know if this is a canon thing with honedge in the games/anime or not, but it's a fantastic idea nontheless!
Mason pulling his human tricks on Ace was great. That taser may come in use in the future, and it's great he can take down a pokemon without actually doing any fatal harm! Shame the decidueye isn't weak to electric, huh...?
“Visions of the future, past, or locations foreign to this world, voices in your head. Some say that they find curiosities that don’t seem to be from this world… and there are more effects and things still discovered to this day. It’s a frontier, one that I doubt has an end. Makes me tired just thinking about it.”
Mystery Dungeons sound fantastic in this setting! I'm very keen to see how this exam goes now! Wow!
I remembered I hadn’t, mostly because I had to reason to for most of my life.
Small typo here. Should be 'no' reason
Chapter 5
Huh. Eerie WW2 tanks! I can imagine small pokemon thinking they were buildings. I wonder what other mysteries are found down there? I like the time-line theory from Mason. I wonder if he's right?
I'm noticing a LOT of psychic-types in this Guild. Is that deliberate? I think so far the only non-psychic or non-dark in this Guild we've met so far is Ace.
“Remember, no interfering with other other fletchling teams.”
I noticed a couple of typos. Should this be 'fledgeling' or is the 'fletchling' a deliberate poke-pun?
like it a blacksmith if they have those around here.
I think this should be 'at' a blacksmith?
I shook my head, a headache starting to fester. “Hopefully I didn’t take anything more than just the guys' memories, let's go complete this damn trial. Then we can question Kira on it later.”
Oh no not another headache! The idea that he's got someone's memories though... there are so many mysteries in this story it makes me
wonder if Scarlet is right or wrong?
I have little to know knowledge on weapons, but the way things are described here, it makes it pretty clear you've done your research! This is all very believable, and pretty fascinating at times. Also, Mason handled seeing a skeleton VERY well. I'd have clambered right back out! (If I'd been brave enough to go into the tank in the first place, that is!)
She widened her eyes briefly, regaining her composure along.
this is another sentence that reads a bit weird to me. I don't know if part of it is missing?
“Why the hell would you name a Mystery Dungeon ‘Narkin Roost’?” I sarcastically asked.
Some Mystery Dungeons do have fantastic names! Gotta love his skepticism XD I've come up with some fun names before now for my 'crack 'fic'.
Oh man that ending! What the actual-... *reads on*
Chapter 6
Eek! I legit thought that the badge Mason had placed 'over his heart' in the previous chapter had saved his skin there. But no, there was a slowbro! What on earth is going on?
Fake-me walked towards the exit with fake-Scarlet in tow, disappearing into nothingness as they reached the light. What did I just see? A different version of me? A possible future? Something inevitable?
Not only do I absolutely love him calling them 'fake-me' and 'fake-Scarlet', as this just adds to Mason's character, the seriously
ominous air here is just... I have no words. Was he aiming for the slowbro? I'm gonna go with 'this is a future echo' (thanks, Red Dwarf) and see what happens.
I've said this before, but I really like Scarlet. Hugging herself with her ribbon is kinda adorable. You've really added life to these characters with their little movements like that. I don't think I've really considered much about how an object-like pokemon would use body language.
A little insight into her status is lovely! So she's royalty? I'm keen to know more about what 'Chosen' means but I'll enjoy the wait along with Mason.
My mind was running amuck trying to figure out a possible plan. But then again, this guy had caused an explosion that sent a tree towards us.
Funny that, since he was using a tree as a reference for the tank earlier. Coincidence? Probably, but I feel coincidences aren't
really much of a thing here right now lmao.
Okay, so that was a pretty intense chapter. That salamence slaying had me thinking about Monster Hunter, even the way it vanished shortly after it was slain!
And Mason and Scarlet actually DIED? I wasn't sure what happened with that fake-Mason but... the ending made it a lot more sinister than I initially thought!
Chapter 7
Interesting chapter. It was rather chill, but we needed that after the previous excitement! I'm curious as to what the infection the eevee was
believed to have was. Will it come up again, and cause a problem? Hmm...
I keep imagining Ace with a British accent due to his use of 'chap'. Is that intentional? XD I love inteleon and reading this is making me want to use one as an OC in a future story.
Kira and Ronin are just adorable together. Can't he teleport like her? That might have made getting upstairs easier. As for the teleport, I like the little drawback that it can leave others feeling breathless if they don't breathe properly. I've used the idea of motion sickness before now. I do think it would be rather disorienting to teleport!
Ace expression shifted to one of worry.
Should be 'Ace's expression'.
Chapter 8
Okay, now beginning to wonder if Fin is really a decidueye, or a zoroark in disguise... Unless there's some other way they could be brothers, like through adoption or a pact or something.
the Zoroark’s form twisted the churned
'Twisted
and churned'
“Silence, empath,” I demanded. Waving around the tip of my sheathed blade towards her. “Without your powers, I would remain an emotional enigma. Stay out of my mind.”
How on earth is a sword so loveable? I really like Scarlet a lot! This particular line amused me, as it's thick with her character. Yet being
inside her head in first person reveals more than you'd tend to see on the surface. I'm curious as to what she's running away from.
I can't help but feel she noticed something about Fin. That long stare... either she sensed something, or recognized him. Hmm...
Arwin... given Fin didn't see his employer, there's every possibility he's not even a pokemon.
The use of ships is nice, as in the games pokemon often travel by lapras or some other aquatic pokemon. This isn't the first time I've seen ships, but I do like spins on the franchise like this. The PMD tools are pretty cool, too! Mason noticing the scarf felt strange brings a new perspective onto them. Pokemon probably wouldn't give that a second thought being used to such things.
Temptation and muscle memory almost hand my talons grabbing at a nearby ‘mon’s loose wallet. I
A small typo. Should be 'almost
had'
But that band right there lets the holder teleport short distances, and from the face you just made, I’d wait before you ask for one.
Okay, this is VERY nicely done! Showing Mason's reaction through another character's dialogue! Excellent! I don't see this often.
So we get to meet one of Ace's team-mates. Nice to see a zoroark being friendly! And what was even with that sableye? Poor oshawott! I have to be amused at Mason just wanting a 'normal day' XD
Chapter 9
The blast seed exploded after making impact with its face, sending it stumbling backwards into Scarlet’s range.
Mildly disappointed he didn't eat the blast seed and spew flames like in the games. Would have loved to see his shock at that. But yeah,
Scarlet got to pwn that pangoro!
I was a bit confused with Blair being male at first, cos we have a cat called Blair (after the Soul Eater character) and she's a she XD I like him a lot. His conversation with Mason was great.
There's a lot of mystery going on here like what happened to the slowbrow and pangoro, and what those guys wanted with little Oz. And what are the golden- masked monsters? Eek! I'm instantly thinking of Sphynx statues but I don't think that's what it's gonna be XD
“So, where those loud bangs we heard while we were at the Guild you?”
Should be '
were those loud bangs'
Chapter 10
So an assassin is after Mason, huh? Interesting. I wonder if they're a human assassin, or a pokemon who's learned to use a gun?
And we meet the rest of Ace's team. I have to say I never expected to see an escavalier in a pokemon 'fic! It's great to see pokemon like this who don't really get much time in the spotlight.
I wanted to say that I was losing my mind, but something told me that this guy would actually offer to go looking for it if I did.
I already like this escavalier.
I really like how Noivern has a name that can't be pronounced by anyone outside his species!
It's also interesting that zoroark can't use their illusion passively. This isn't something I've considered before, but it makes a lot of sense! I've always thought of it like a disguise, but I really like this approach.
I need to know where the thang is first
Should this be 'thing' or is this a deliberate vocal tick? Not sure if she has an accent.
I never did find out where that damn kevlar went, did it? Or my glock... or a lot of things…
I hope the bad guys don't have these already...
I'm concerned as to why Mason keeps getting headaches. Is it possible the bullet is still lodged in his brain? Or perhaps it's down to whatever the psychic did to him? Either way, it's pretty inconvenient for him!
“The easy way.” I twirled my revolver into hand and pointed it into the sky.
Should this be 'in my' or 'into my'?
Chapter 11
So a lot is happening here. I can't work out what the gold-masked thing is. Is it some kind of robot? A human wearing a mask? A pokemon I can't fit the description to? Hopefully this becomes more apparent later.
After the encounter with Celebi, I feel pretty strongly that the masked things are human, but without any sense of... being, I think is the word
I'm looking for. Like they're husks or something.
What happened to Ronin is pretty shocking! I hope he makes it. Yikes. Yet he's still noble, making Kera leave him to help the others. Having him use the weapon against the monster was an epic moment! I really enjoyed that.
Arwin is mentioned again... still no idea who he is. The monster knowing Mason and co would be there was rather... unsettling. I hope it doesn't turn out to be some kind of echo of Mason, cos that would be rather terrifying XD I mean... Are we certain what Mason saw in the Mystery Dungeon earlier on was nothing more than a reflection of him?
Some typos I noticed:
I noticed the human’s purple scarf had ruins…
Should be 'runes'
Getting the occasional shot off that I had hide behind a tree to avoid, only for Luson to strike just as it happens.
Missing the word 'to' (That I had
to hide behind a tree...)
Clipping the top of head with the edge.
I think there's a word missing here.
Ronin feasibly grabbed my hand.
Should be 'feebly'?
This story was absolutely fantastic. Having a human be so out of his depth in a PMD world is just amazing, especially since he's not been transformed like in the games. In a world filled with animals with unusual powers, fitting Mason with a gun and other weapons is a great way for him to adapt. Yet he's still very much a fish out of water. The relationships he's made along the way are warm and really well done, especially with Scarlet. (Equipping him with a sentient sword is rather hilarious, too!)
I will say, 100%, that I want to continue this story. It's a real roller-coaster, and I have thoroughly enjoyed it! =D Thanks for doing this review exchange!