Pokémon Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Dual Wills

[JFought]

Hey there! This is a fic I’ve had my eye on for a while, so I'm taking this year's Review Blitz as an opportunity to check it out! What I know going in is that it is very focused on medieval worldbuilding and takes inspiration from Fire Emblem. I checked the first three chapters for this review, so let's get to it!

Thoughts on Chapters 1 to 3.

• First chapter is very much a setup chapter. We're introduced to Elvira and her mother, their relationship and circumstances are established, we get some backstory on Elvira's father and what her relationship to him was like, and then of course, a fateful beachside meeting. It might just be the third-person omniscient, but I do like the way Elvira’s given focus here. The conflicts at play are doing a lot to help set her up as the main character in my mind, and I’d say the chapter overall is pretty effective.
• Poor Riolu ^^;. I like his panic here (take that out of context), it’s always interesting to see how PMD fics handle this moment. And I think this one does well in feeling appropriate, and also communicating a lot about where his knowledge of Pokémon is without having to waste too much time explaining it.
• I think I vibe with the dialogue in this fic. If Fire Emblem is what you’re going for, then I feel it: the word choice and general pacing feels fairly appropriate for the time-period and vibe you’re going for, in a fairly subtle way that reminds me of FE 6/7/8/9 a bit.
• That’s a big lore dump in the middle of the chapter there. I find myself torn on it, tbh. On one hand, I like the amount of effort you put into giving this setting its own stories to tell: Chapter 2 does a good job at establishing a sense of history, and considering the vibes you’re going for, that’s a good thing! On the other hand, that’s a lot of information to dump on the reader in the middle of a chapter like that. Like, way too much, you could halve it and it would still accomplish the intended effect, and it just kind of drags the chapter down to a halt. I find myself wondering if maybe there could have been a way to space some of this information out over the course of multiple chapters. It’s still interesting, I do think it has a place in the fic, the execution as-is just creates a bit of a pacing problem. But I suppose by now the fic’s a little too far along to consider those kinds of things, and this does get it out of the way at least. I’m just relaying how I felt about it.
• I like the variety in the locales we’re getting a preview of, as well as the pretense of “maybe we can find out where you’re from” for looking into the atlas. Again, if FE is the inspiration, it’s reminding me of the way various countries would be introduced in the GBA games through short narration segments early on. Letting us know who the major players are and what roughly to expect from them moving forward.
• And it’s time for the first Mystery Dungeon! Chapter 3 mostly consists of the dungeon crawl and battle against the Thorned Roses. I think I want to reserve most of my thoughts on them for now, as we still don't know much about them yet.
• I like the way you portray Elvira’s hesitancy. There’s the literal hesitancy in her dialogue, but there’s also her hesitancy to take action, follow her dreams, and have hope. Arian making that big push to get through that hesitancy establishes what I imagine will be the core of their dynamic going forward, and it's a good note to end the chapter on.

Spoiler: Typos and Prose Comments

She sat. She sat down on one of the chairs with a footstool in front of it,

This reads like it could be a stylistic choice, but it also reads weird regardless.

Heading to the kitchen, the Treecko headed to the kitchen to make that morning's breakfast.

A bit of repetition here.

She was dying to know that who that Riolu was.

"And then there's Eldisholm." Elvira pointed to the island off Ardalion's southern coast. This is...a bizarre country when it comes to climate.

Missing a quotation mark here.

""They are. Berries are found just about everywhere in Ardalion," explained Elvira.

The book in question was entitled The Basic Facts of Pokémon: Vol. 6, Q-T that detailed a variety of Pokémon, of which Riolu and Treecko were included in the book in question.

"This Mystery Dungeon isn't too difficult. This place would be too much of a handful for her.

I think you meant to use "wouldn't" here

More of a general comment... The prose in these early chapters I'd say is one of their weaker aspects, though I'm chalking that up to being "early chapter syndrome" and I'd imagine you've likely improved since then, so I don't want to harp on it. I think, if there's anything that bothered me in particular, it's that I noticed there's a lot unnecessary ellipses, especially in the dialogue. While I'd say it's warranted about half the time, the other half of the time it feels superfluous and only really drags things down. But since I don't know how useful such a critique would be to you, I'll hold off on giving the "ellipses spiel." It's something to keep in mind, either way.

In general, the vibe I get from these opening chapters is very much “we have some PMD opening tropes, let’s get them out of the way real quick.” And so the main intrigue at play is Elvira and the world itself. Right now, I’d say Elvira is the star of the show: she seems to be a very hesitant character, wanting to live up to her father, but due to the circumstances surrounding his disappearance, not having the courage to do so, believing that chance to have left her. You do a good job getting that across with her dialogue and relationships, and while Arian is mostly just an observer trying to get his bearings in these early chapters, I don’t really have a problem with him. I think the slower pace and focus on introducing Elvira’s character and these various worldbuilding elements reduces the urgency in having to quickly build Arian up: I can accept there’s more to him to come later on, and that right now, he’s dealing with his amnesia and trying to figure out what exactly to do with himself. I’m also interested in seeing more of the world and just what Mitrofan has done to it. We’re mostly confined to Elvira and Zenobia’s home, and only in Chapter 3 do we start seeing what things are like outside of it, so I imagine the world is going to continue to expand in the near future.

As far as intros go, this fic has a very humble start, but I think it works for the most part. I’m sorry if that feels like damning with faint praise, it’s just kind of the nature of slower intros that I can’t comment on execution too much ^^;. What matters is that I think you did a good job, the vibes are there, and I’m curious to check out more!

 

[StolenMadWolf]

Righto, been a while since I’ve read this fan-fic, and since we’re both on the Review Blitz, I figured this would be as good a time as any to go ahead and have a go at reviewing this again! I’ll be going through Chapters 6 and 7 for this particular fanfic. As a reminder and disclaimer again, I tend to focus on worldbuilding, characters and plot, but I’ll also turn my attention towards writing and grammar too.

Spoiler: Chapter 6-7 Review

I’m going to do something a bit different here and turn my attention to the writing itself first, as a bunch of stuff I’d comment on would end up linking to this. I’m fairly sure I might have commented on this before and it’s completely understandable if you wouldn’t want to go back and change things – I’m guilty of that! – but I feel like it’s been long enough and apparent enough to mention it now. For a start, these chapters are looking massive. Like, completely massive. 10K plus chapters can be quite challenging to read, whetever it’s casual or part of the reviewing process. There are a few points where the longer lengths would be justified by each chapter essentially summing up an entire day, and Chapter 6 nearly had me consider this until I connected the dots between Chapters 5 and 7. That… would actually make the length have a pretty good story/structural reason for being the case, but they are still beefy chapters either way.

It doesn’t help in both chapters, and again, keeping a note on my point above, the chapters feel very bloated. Like several paragraphs worth of lines could actually be comfortably cut from the story or summarised very quickly, especially in the Mystery Dungeons. Some of the events don’t need to receive so much detail as they otherwise feel inconsequential – they could get cut and would still allow a solid idea of the story itself. Alternatively, some chapters could quite comfortably be split up, just to make reading the story easier. Furthermore, some of the characters do sound similar, with a bit of redundant dialogue eg. “Let’s find this ______” or repeating things that the narrator has already stated. All of this kinda pads out the Chapters more than needed, which could spook a few readers online without bookmarks. A quick glance at the threadmarks does show that the latest chapters do seem to cut down in word count a bit, so that’s nice to see.

But let’s put that aside now and focus on the story itself for a minute. Compared to the previous chapters, we do have a bit more going on behind the scenes. We get a bit more of a look around the town itself, then turn out attention to the typical luck of running multiple jobs in the same dungeon at once. I do wish some more drama occurred, but given they are starting dungeons, it also makes sense as well. It’s still a slow burn, but we do start seeing signs of things beginning to move, namely with the addition of the two shopkeepers, Caitriona and Conall. They are definitely an intriguing bunch of characters, well-meaning, but pragmatic and willing to play with people’s heads a bit. They’ve already pretty much emerged as my immediate favourites in the story, and I hope more of them creep in through the door. Hinnerk and Mikhail are also interesting, giving us a glimpse of the first direct villains of the story. Mikail totally has Starcream vibes, I won’t be surprised if he does something slippery later. Hinnerk having a direct connection to Elvira’s dad though… ooof, looks like things are going to get nasty very quickly down the line, and by extension, Adrian aswell. Our two protagonists still sound very similar, but I am hoping that the incoming drama will allow for them to be differenated more. In addition, a wider cast is slowly being expanded, so we’ll see how that develops as well.

Overall, things are beginning to speed up, and with some new interesting characters thrown into the mix. The plot itself seems very good, slow burning, but it does have potential. The main challenge comes from the structure of the chapters, but again, I don’t blame you for not going back to edit them. The number of chapters I have linking all over the place has put me off doing that, but it is something to keep in mind. Keep on writing and hope this helps you out!

 

[windskull]

He Arukona, I’m back for another review! This time, I’m covering three chapters - chapters 3-5. Let’s get right to it.

Chapter 3
As I read through the chapter, this was the point where I realized this was going to be a fairly traditional formulaic opening to a PMD fic. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing, because plenty of people love it. It’s just an observation.

This chapter introduces us to how mystery dungeons work in your fic and also introduces us to what I suspect will be the act one smaller antagonist before we start dealing with the bigger problems. Something that will be difficult for our heroes to overcome but that will be a sign of their progress.

There is one thing I want to critique in this chapter, and it may be something that you’ve improved on since, but its that the battles, especially the first two, almost feel too… game-like, if that makes sense. It feels very formulaic, like we throw a punch, wait for the opponent to strike back, and then throw a second punch to win. That’s not to say that you needed to go in depth (with the first two at least) but something a little more descriptive would have been nice.

This is improved somewhat in the last battle, but there’s still shades of it. Don’t just tell me that she used absorb, for example, show me how she does it, show me how her opponent punishes her for getting close enough to use absorb, if there’s a physical aspect to how she does it.

Plot wise, though, this is the moment where they bring up the idea to make a team. It sounds like Elvira gained a little confidence from her victory, but I’m sure there’s a long way to go.

Chapter 4
This chapter seems like a bit of a cool down. We get back, make dinner, spend some time with friends. But we also present the idea of Elvira and Arian becoming mercenaries in all but name to her mother. Which. I’m glad they did (didn’t think they wouldn’t, of course). I am a bit surprised that the two friends decided to stay when I’m sure Tamara’s parents are worried sick about her, but I imagine it was getting late and it probably isn’t a great idea for her to travel alone. Especially when she might get targeted by the Thorned Roses again.

Chapter 5
Chapter 5 starts out with breakfast and some send-off gifts from Zenobia. I get the feeling we will be coming back before too long unless something happens to keep them apart.

Then the group uses a secret tunnel to sneak into town. We’d already been told that the shake down from the Thorned Roses was bad, what with the outlandish, soaring rent prices and the kidnapped mon, but we see a bit more of it here with the expensive toll just to enter the city. I do have to wonder just how big this town is, because I feel like the fact that Tamara’s family isn’t using the gate is going to get noticed before too long. But maybe I’m just overthinking things.

Okay, that’s three chapters. Let’s talk overall thoughts. Up to this point the story has followed a pretty traditional PMD structure. The human wakes up and is rescued by the partner character. They go on a beginner dungeon together and then form a team. I wonder if the story is going to continue to be fairly formulaic for a while, or if it’s going to break away soon. I feel like it could go either way, but given the fic’s length I suspect we’ll be sticking to it for a while at least.

If there’s one thing I would critique, I kind of feel like you overuse or over rely on the ellipsis. I had noticed it before but the point at which it became distracting was chapter 5. A quick search brings up that there’s over 100 uses of the ellipsis in this chapter alone, mostly in dialog. In several instances where an ellipsis is used a comma would have been grammatically correct and conveyed the same thing - a brief pause. I know this is an early chapter so it may not be as noticeable later, but I still felt it was worth mentioning.

I could also make an argument that we have a fairly slow start, but I think I need to read more before I make a judgement on that; it might be intentional, after all.

Critiques aside, I do think the story is off to a good, if a bit slow, start. I do want to read more at some point. I don’t know if I’ll get to it during the blitz, but I’ll keep it in mind if I read any fic on my own time. So that will be it for now. Until next time.

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, this one took a little while to finally get together, but I finally managed to slide back in to finish off that Iria arc that I left dangling from before this event. Tonight felt like as good a night as any to shove things out the door, so let's dive right into:

Chapter 17

Spoiler: Line-by-Line

"Damn him! Damn that stuck-up Dressie priest! How dare he tell us what to do!"

I see that Team Mitrofan is having a normal one right now. Though given that the Church appears to hail from Deselia, I see we’re doing all the Roman Catholic parallels right now.

Ludmila was raging at stomped and raged inside the knights' barracks, where she, Mitrofan, Nikita and Metody had reunited with Spiridon., who, True to his word, the Hawlucha had looked after Rufus while the others had focused on chasing down the four mercenaries and was quite surprised after. Once he'd been filled in on what had happened at the cathedral, the Hawlucha was quite surprised at what he'd heard.

Some suggested rephrasings here. There’s a number of issues jammed together, but the number one from which everything follows is that the first sentence is very long and unwieldy.

"Calm yourself, Ludmila," Mitrofan advised. "Being worked up will solve nothing."

"But he's an outsider trying to influence your decision-making, Master Mitrofan!" complained the Nidoqueen. "The last thing we need is the likes of the East controlling us like puppets on strings! That pontiff's as rotten as they come from that side of the continent!"

… I’m listening, Ludmila. Even if I wouldn’t exactly consider you a reliable narrator right now.

"...I would agree," Nikita seconded. "It was bad enough, having the noble families of Selenia try and manipulate the runnings of the Guild. But now the East?”

[ ]

“We can't have a return to the days when Selenia was controlled by the Eastern Alliance some two hundred years ago,” the Marowak insisted. “That Their callous negligence caused the Great Selenian Famine, and that, more than anything, was brought the darkest times our nation have ever faced. If not for the hero Gamaliel and Team Hope, then we may never have gotten out of that rut recovered from them."

Nikita’s dialogue IMO is long enough that it should be two parts with something in between. I also played around with some phrasing in the second portion of it to make it sound a bit smoother spoken out.

[ ]

"You are quite right, Nikita," Mitrofan agreed. "...But I'm not risking a war with the East. That was how Selenia lost its autonomy and got into that mess in the first place. Four mercenaries…It's simply not worth killing the pontifex over that four mercenaries. Even if it is Sansarn’s behavior was an affront…acting rashly now will only cause trouble down the line."

Some more odds and ends suggestions here. Though I see that Mitty does have a strategic mind under all that steely armor.

[ ]

"If I may ask, Master Mitrofan…don't you believe you are being paranoid?" Metody replied, his tone slightly critical. "He was bluffing to high hell, that pontiff. Apparently, from what I've heard, he's something of a divisive figure among the Eastern nobility, that Sansarn fellow. Many of them would probably rejoice at his death! We would be doing them a favour by getting rid of him!"

I’m beginning to understand why this guy is stuck in the capital running around after dissidents instead of having anything to do with foreign relations.

"No," Mitrofan shot back shut down. "I will not inflame tensions for this transgression alone. Besides…there is no evidence he has been ordered by the Dresilian Emperor or the Miletan Archon to do this. If the Pontifex sees fit to bar my path again, however…then there will be hell to pay."

Again, this is why you were supposed to have set up a Selenian Patriarchate so that way you could just “Lol. Lmao.” at Sansarn and the rest of his church whenever they tried to interfere in your affairs, Mitty.

The Aggron took a long breath afterwards this, still cross at being bested by Sansarn. His gaze then met Spiridon's, who was standing next to Rufus.

Rufus: “U-Um… do I really have to be here right now?”

"...How has he been, Spiridon?" he asked. "Not too much trouble, I hope?"

[ ]


"Nah, not at all," the Hawlucha replied. "He's been quiet. I think he's learned his lesson about straying into the Catacombs. …Haven't we, little Rufus?" he asked the boy.

[ ]


"...Yes…" the Growlithe mumbled mutedly, the guilt in his voice too evident. "I'm sorry…I promise I won't do it again. …Please…just let me go home…" he begged

That’s a bit of a different vibe than I was expecting, though I suppose getting a glorified “reason you suck” speech would kinda be murder to one’s mood.

[ ]

"...If you show signs of willingness to right your wrongs, and vow to never venture there again…then I accept your apology," Mitrofan responded. "Some people in this world are truly vile, with no hope of salvation. They deserve nothing short of brutal punishment. But…I can recognise an effort to repent when I see one."

[ ]


"...Really?" Rufus was genuinely surprised by the Aggron's merciful offer.

[ ]

"You misunderstand, boy. I am letting you off with a warning," Mitrofan clarified. "If you break the understanding we've reached…" A hard glare formed. "Then you will suffer the appropriate consequences, and there will be no third chance. Understood?"

More spots where it probably would’ve made sense to show off more of the characters’ reactions here. Though I wonder if Mitty was always this stern as a Guildmaster or if his current outlook is a product of whatever happened to turn him against House Ruslan.

"...Crystal," Rufus blurted, too terrified by Mitrofan's glare to say anything else.

Oh, so Rufus really is

-facing right now.

[ ]

"...Good. Let's bring you home. where I will speak with Dalibor there afterwards," the Aggron announced. [ ]

"Spiridon, Nikita, with me. Ludmila and Metody, return to your posts around the city,” he insisted. “We cannot focus all of our efforts on four mercenaries, nor let such a loss destabilise order in this city. There exist other criminals who would gladly take advantage of the distraction they created by those four mercenaries."

"Yes, Master Mitrofan!" Ludmila saluted.

Someone’s certainly a pragmatic type. I’ll admit that I hadn’t fully expected that from the way that Elvira spoke of him, but it would explain a thing or two about how his rule doesn’t have any meaningful challenges to power outside of the Irian Guild right now.

[ ]

"...As you wish, Master Mitrofan," Metody said.

"Be on your way. And let us away, as well." Mitrofan turned for the exit, accompanied by Nikita, Spiridon and Rufus.

Once they got onto the street, the Aggron knew which way to go. He'd travelled the route to the Grimmhatt Orphanage on many an occasion, when he'd visited Dalibor in the past, both as Guildmaster and as leader of Selenia.

Now, though, our time of mutual friendship may finally be coming to an end. I don't wish it to be, but…I will do what I must.

That… doesn’t bode well for what is going to happen to Dalibor there.

They winded their way through the streets. As he knew the way there as well, Spiridon led the group through the winding streets that led to the orphanage in question. As they approached the building in question, Mitrofan made a request to Spiridon.

"You go first," he said. "Dalibor will appreciate your presence more than mine." He then looked at Rufus, next to the Hawlucha. "...As would the boy, I would think," he added.

Oh, so Spiridon and Dalibor have history with each other, huh? Since I’m kinda getting that vibe right about now.

"Sure thing, Mitt," Spiridon obliged. "Come on, kiddo. Let's bring you home."

He walked ahead, with the Growlithe trailing him, and arrived at the gates of the orphanage. From the outside, it looked deserted, with no one in sight. That was to be expected; all of the children had been called inside for the night, and the lights were on inside.

Seeing this, Spiridon walked up to the orphanage doors and knocked three times. There was silence, until shuffling could be heard from the inside and the door opened.

"Good, you're back. Did you bring…" Dalibor's voice drifted off as he realised who was at the front door. "...Wait a minute. Spiridon? What are you doing here? I thought…" he trailed off, stopping his words there.

Spiridon: “You really do need to make a habit of keeping better tabs on your kids, Dalibor…” >v>;

"I came by to see my old companion's face once again," the Hawlucha replied, a smile coming across his face. "You doing well, Dali?"

These two are ex-teammates, aren’t they?

[ ]

"Getting by," the Grimmsnarl replied. "Although the orphanage is in a right state, what with Rufus' gallivanting off to the Catacombs…"

"That's also the main reason why I'm here." Spiridon gestured to the Growlithe beside him. "I'm here to bring this little one back home after he was caught trespassing there in the Catacombs."

[ ]


"...Rufus?" Dalibor looked down at the orphan. "You're back. …But why did you enter the Catacombs in the first place?"

Some more spots where it might’ve made sense to show off the characters’ reactions a bit more. Also, you mentioned “the Catacombs” three times in as many paragraphs, so you probably want to drop at least one instance of it.

"...I…I wanted to prove I was brave," Rufus confessed. "The other orphans said I was all talk. I thought if I went through the Irian Catacombs, then I'd prove them all wrong!" He then looked guiltily off to his side.

[ ]


"Bravery? …Rufus, that's no act of bravery," Dalibor chastised. He was worried for the boy, of course, but he was cross with him; after all, he had escaped into the forbidden Catacombs behind his back. "You could've been killed in that place! There's a good reason it's forbidden for the public to enter there, because of how dangerous it is! ...What do you have to say for yourself?"

[ ]


"I'm sorry!" the Growlithe apologised, in a voice that sounded truly remorseful. "I never realised how dangerous the place was, and what it would mean to you and all my friends if I died there! I'm sorry! I'm really sorry!" He began to shed tears once again.

Spiridon: “(Geez, kid, I thought you got that all out of you after we ran into you.)” .^.

"..." Dalibor's expression softened in the face of this afterwards. He was never one to remain cross for long in the face of those he looked after, especially toward those who were sorry for their misdemeanours.

"...Don't ever do something like that again, you hear? Cornelia, I and your friends were worried sick about you, wondering if you were okay."

"I won't…" Rufus snivelled, wiping tears from his eyes with his paws.

Also, he’s probably more than a little traumatized from Mitty not-so-subtly threatening to kill him if he was caught in the Catacombs again, but let’s not get into that right now.

"...Good. Go inside. We'll talk later." Rufus did so, heading inside and leaving the two men at the entrance. [ ]

"...He's an adventurous one, that Rufus," Spiridon remarked. "He actually got quite far into the Catacombs for a thirteen-year-old. The fourth floor, I think? I'm sure if his technique was honed, you wouldn't have to worry about him as much in the future. …Hey, maybe we could sign him up to be a squire in the knights? We could use someone with his determination."

IMO, you’re missing a moment where the narrative focus shifts over to Spiridon here. Though I see that Mitty’s knights already have a sort of apprentice system working. It makes me wonder if the knights already existed as an institution prior to him taking over or not.

"...We can discuss that another time," Dalibor said, feeling unsure at the marshal's suggestion. "Because there's another thing I'd like to speak to you about, Spiridon. …Why did you bring him here?"

"It's the duty of a knight to help those in need," Spiridon replied. "And as one of Mitrofan's loyal marshals, I have to uphold that duty more than any of the rank-and-file soldiers. I could hardly neglect that duty, could I?"

[ ]

"...I suppose not. But I thought…"

In a moment of sudden realisation of what he was about to say, he Dalibor held his tongue, so as not to give away that he had dispatched Teams Elpis and Anima to the Catacombs. However, Spiridon caught this slip, and immediately knew why.

Spiridon: “... Dalibor, is there something that you want to tell me here?”

[ ]

"...Oh, so you did send those four mercenaries into the Catacombs," he said, now able to confirm this fact for sure. "...Boy, Mitt won't be pleased about that. In fact…he's here right now to give you a talking to."

Dalibor: “Technically you don’t know that and that’s all conjecture right now.”

Spiridon: “I mean, if I didn’t know then, I sure do now.”

[ ]


"Mitt's here?" This was unexpected news to Dalibor.

"Yep, he sure is. He's out there with Nikita, by the gate. …Why not go out and talk to him?" the marshal suggested. "If you don't, he'll come here, and then those kids will hear the inevitable argument. I'd rather they not hear that."

… Are we sure that this is just going to be an argument there?

[ ]

"...You have a point," Dalibor conceded. "...At least I can see your way of convincing people hasn't lost its touch, Spiridon."

"You said it, partner." A look of reminiscence crossed Spiridon's face.

[ ]

"Good to see you looking out for those kids, Dali,” he said. “Y'know, not to say you weren't a bad merc, but…this feels more like your true calling. And at least your experience as a merc means you can defend them when they're in trouble.”

[ ]

“…You remember when it was me and you in Team Hair Trigger? Those were the days, weren't they?" He then looked off to the side, a shade of bitterness in what he said next. "…Shame what happened to you meant that we had to end our little collab together."

Some more spots where it probably makes sense to slow down and describe the character’s reaction more. And Spiridon’s paragraph of dialogue in particular is very, very dense at the moment. To the point where it’s arguably at least 3 smaller paragraphs smooshed together.

"...Yes. You were quite a good partner, Spiridon," Dalibor said to him. "But…that was the past. I'm retired as a merc now, and I want to look to the future. And that…is looking after these kids with Cornelia. I wouldn't go back to being a merc, even if it was allowed."

[ ]


"...You do you, Dali,” the Hawlucha said. “Oh, and tell Cornelia I said hi. I assume she's doing well these days? I knew you two were a good fit for one another.”

[ ]

“A pity you never had kids of your own with her, but I suppose why bother when you're surrounded by these adorable little tykes?” he mused. “Even if you have naughty ones like Rufus, it's still worth - "

"You can continue this conversation another time, Spiridon," Nikita interrupted brusquely from the entrance. "We have more business with Dalibor besides friendly chatter, if you recall."

Spiridon: “Er… right. Yeah, have fun with that chewout, Dalibor.”

"Don't worry, Niki. We're about done," Spiridon called back. "...I'd go to them if I were you. Mitt's not a man that likes to be kept waiting."

[ ]

"...If you insist." Dalibor stepped out into the cold night, and walked to the entrance, where he faced Mitrofan and Nikita. Both gave him a frigid, steely look.

Oh, that doesn’t bode well for Dalibor at all there.

"I know that face, Mitt," Dalibor began, dreading what was to come. "It never was a nice one in the Guild days, and…these days, it seems even more sour than before."

[ ]


"...That boy of yours certainly has ideas about bravery," Mitrofan replied, ignoring his old friend's comment. "But in the fashion of an amateur, he hasn't realised the difference between bravery and recklessness. Do you consider his actions brave, Dalibor?"

"No. Not at all," the fairy denied. "It was foolish for him to do that."

Dalibor: “Mitrofan, with all due respect, but can we get to the point here?”

[ ]

"Point proven. At the very least, the boy did not vandalise anything, nor did he rob any graves. And he is barely a juvenile. If he were older, this breach of regulations would have more serious ramifications. But because of his youth, I shall reduce it to a mere fine. Money that will be deducted from the donations I normally send you."

[ ]

"...Should've seen that coming," murmured the Grimmsnarl.

… Ouch. Like I get that Mitty is a very “the law must be upheld” sort of tyrant, but not even attempting to come to an understanding with the Orphanage of all places.

"Be grateful. Were Tsar Kliment in charge, that punishment would've been far more severe," Mitrofan went on. "He would give no mercy to any trespasser in the Catacombs, no matter their age. But Rufus is only a young juvenile child, and I feel that it is fitting that leniency should be exercised in his case, given his youth.”

[ ]

“I am kind enough to let him off this time, with the hope that he knows to keep out of the Catacombs in future. That being said…do keep a closer eye on that boy Rufus, Dalibor," he reprimanded. "He has potential, but he can't develop it into something better if he meets his maker too soon."

Mitty’s dialogue is long enough that it should be two parts. Though just saying “you get a free pass before I kill you, kiddo” is not a dramatic improvement from the Ruslans, Mitty.

"I'll do that. By the sounds of it, he's learned his lesson. I'll keep an eye on him, don't worry."

"...That's that sorted. But I'm not finished," Mitrofan continued. "...I had an interesting encounter, whilst in the Catacombs. Four mercenaries of the Irian Guild happened to descend into the Irian Catacombs, searching for Rufus. …They claimed you had sent them to rescue him. And of the four of them…"

Nikita produced the wanted poster of Arian and Elvira. [ ]

"...Two of them happened to be prominent outlaws. It is known news that Hinnerk was defeated by a Riolu and a Treecko, and they have the potential to set a precedent. …So why, pray tell, did you cooperate with them?"

Yeeeeeah, this isn’t boding well for Dalibor’s continued freedom. Or life expectancy at all, really.

"...You make it sound like I asked them to kill you or something," Dalibor remarked, though with no humour in his tone. "I didn't. All I asked them to do was rescue Rufus from his predicament. That's all. Nothing more. …So then let me ask you, Mitt. …Where are they? Why did you bring Rufus here, and not them?"

[ ]


"...You don't need to know where they are. I merely saw to the proper delegation of that responsibility to the knights, as it should be," Mitrofan answered. "The welfare of citizens should not be placed in the hands of outlaws like them. Especially those that pose a threat to my rule, and especially those who make their opposition to me quite clear."

[ ]


"...Are you listening to yourself, Mitt?" Dalibor said, astounded by what he was hearing. "You think they pose a threat to you because you make them out to be! It doesn't have to be like that. There surely can be a world where you're still the leader of Selenia, and the Irian Guild coexists! Have you even tried to make a settlement with Melchior over this?"

Mitrofan: “Dalibor, you know damn well why that is not possible between the two of us…”

[ ]

"...Melchior was adamant that he wanted nothing to do with me," the Aggron returned. "He has made quite a point of opposing my rule, and no doubt hopes to one day bring it down. And so I must respond in kind.”

[ ]

“If he exists as a pest that intends to obstruct my way at every turn, then I have no choice but to not ignore him,” Mitrofan continued. “To kick that can down the road would be to only create greater problems for my leadership in the long run."

Okay, yeah, Mitty’s grievance with the Ruslans has something to do with a perception of them being slow to use their power to a proper end, huh?

[ ]

"...Listen, Mitt," Dalibor began, trying to hold back his shocked anger at the Aggron's words. "I'm grateful for what you've done for the orphanage. Your donations to us have been a great help to Cornelia and I, who would struggle to feed and house the children otherwise. And…nor can I just forget the years of friendship between us, back in the days of the Guild. Even now…the very fact that you donate to the orphanage is proof, to me at least, that you still care."

Well, clearly not enough to cut your funding when one of your kids causes trouble in town. Though Dalibor’s anger here feels like something that should be built up before he was speaking, since I actually didn’t realize that he was getting upset up until this point.

"...Get to the point," Nikita bluntly replied for Mitrofan, his eyes narrowed with knowledge that there would be a turn to this.

[ ]


"...What went on in Ozerograd under Hinnerk…I've heard stories about that the things that happened in Ozerograd under Hinnerk," Dalibor said, his expression turned taking a resentful turn. "And I've heard the stories of his rampant corruption and perversion as the lord there. The fact you supported a man like him…it's unacceptable! If you truly claim yourself to be a benevolent ruler, then why? Why would you put stock in a man as vile as him?"

[ ]


"...I will say to you what I said to them. Hinnerk was all but a tool to be disposed of when I no longer had use for him," was the Aggron's reply. "I had my own plans to displace him, but…it would appear Arian and Elvira acted before I could constructively put such a plan in place."

Boy it sure is a good thing that the Taos are apparently non-entities in Ardalion, since I’m pretty sure that there’s myths of Zekrom peacing entire kingdoms that operate under this sort of mindset in light of its Gen 8 ‘dex entries.

"...The fact that you refused to oust him, thus they took matters into their own hands and deposed him...Does that not say more about your leadership than them?" Dalibor pointed out. "...What happened to your role as a leader? This Providing support for despots like Hinnerk, and now this intent to chase Guild members down, the very organisation you once led! …What the hell has gotten into you, man? Why are you acting like this?"

[ ]


"You don't need to know what drives me," growled Mitrofan.

I’m surprised that he didn’t just give a pithy “I’m doing what the reality of the situation demands” in reply, though I can see that even if he’s not showing it, this is likely hurting Mitrofan to some extent.

"Yes, I do!" Dalibor retaliated. "What happened to my good friend and colleague? What happened to the Guildmaster that I and many others looked up to so highly? And most of all…”

[ ]


"...What happened to the husband and father that you became? What would Rufina think of this?"

Oh, so Mitrofan really did have a “dead love interest” as an instigating event for his start of darkness. And yeah, I’m pretty sure this is the part where he gets physically violent, since I can’t imagine that this won’t hit a nerve for him.

This seemed to garner a silent reaction from Mitrofan; his eyes widened, then instantly, shock vanished in favour of menace that threatened the Grimmsnarl to say no more. Dalibor paid this no heed; the reaction alone was enough to know he was on to something. That name - he knew it meant a great deal to Mitrofan.

And so he continued.

"You're an idiot if you think I haven't noticed. Five years you've ruled over Selenia, and yet there's been no sign at all of Rufina, or your children. You loved her to death, Mitt. And it never waned once,” he insisted. “From the day you married her to five years ago, there was no sign at all of splintering. It was a match made in heaven, up there with Kallias and Melchior's marriages!”

[ ]

“…What the hell happened? Where is she? Is she dead? And what about your kids? Did they meet the same fate?"

Wait, Mitty had kids? Though Dalibor is confirmed for having a deathwish considering how he just blew right past the “shut up or else” expression by Mitrofan there.

The Aggron remained as silent as ever, as his once good friend barraged him with questions. One response from him, however, stopped the Grimmsnarl cold in his tracks.

"...I'd like to know the answer to that question myself."

U wot, m8.

[ ]

"Wh-What?" Dalibor was somewhat bewildered by this response. "You mean you don't know? How could you not know what happened to her?!"

"...Manipulators beyond my control saw to that," Mitrofan replied, confusing the hirsute fairy all the greater. Then, to add to the perplexity, he posed a new question. "...Tell me something, Dalibor."

"...What?" By this point, Dalibor was beginning to lose his patience.

"Imagine this scenario. I have kidnapped Cornelia and the orphans you take care of. And I have told you that if you do not comply with my every move order, then they would be history, and I would see to it that all trace of a good name within them would be erased. …What would you do, if you were thrust into that situation?"

Oh. Well. I suppose that solves the question of what happened to Mitty’s wife and kids. Even if we don’t have a firm idea of who is blackmailing Mitrofan like this.

[ ]

"...You wouldn't dare," the Dark/Fairy-type snarled. "If you ever do such a thing to Cornelia or the kids, I'll - !"

"Answer the question, Dalibor." Mitrofan's reply was calm and unfazed.

"...Well…I…" The Grimmsnarl curled his fist of hair in anger. "Come on, man! You can't expect me to answer that!"

Another spot where it probably makes sense to expand on Dalibor’s reaction a bit.

"But I can," the Aggron returned. "So tell me; would you obey the orders of someone who'd kidnapped your loved ones? …Even if those orders went against all of your moral instincts and involved you to do less than lawful deeds?"

"..." Dalibor's face showed a great deal of conflict.

[ ]

"...Silence, I see," Mitrofan noted. "I can't blame you, to be honest. After all, you've never been put in a situation like that. But if Cornelia and the children were taken from you…only then would you be compelled to contemplate committing wrongdoing. …Something that you as a former mercenary, would never dream of."

I do hope that whoever’s got Mitty bent over a barrel like this at least provides proof of life once in a while, since… yeah. I can only imagine how soul-crushing it would be to get jerked around for all of this only to discover that it was all for nothing.

[ ]

"...Listen, Mitt." Dalibor's voice was threatening. "If you're thinking of laying one finger on Cornelia or any of the orphans in here, then I swear…"

"You swear what? What would you do?"

[ ]

"...I'd tear your fucking guts out," came the snarling reply. "I would make you know the feeling of pain. No one dares to do that against Cornelia or the kids, even if it's my old friend threatening to kidnap them!"

"So you would kill me, then?" Mitrofan surmised. "...Hmph. Then you’ve told me everything that I needed to know. In the end, you are no better than me."

Mitty, you know that you could’ve just ended this conversation right here with a “that’s why I’m doing all of this, Dalibor”, just saying. Especially since I can already tell that hypothetical scenario wasn’t a hypothetical.

[ ]

"Don't compare me to you!" snapped the Grimmsnarl snapped. "Unlike you, I've never murdered anyone in cold blood!"

"I wasn't," refuted the Selenian leader. "I was merely pointing out that you would kill me for the welfare of your wife and the orphans. …We all say we would do anything for our loved ones. But how many actually mean that? Would they truly do anything and everything if it meant keeping them out of harm's way?"

[ ]

"...Well…" Dalibor tried to consider the Aggron's question. "...Only if it meant their absolute safety if I did whatever deed they wanted me to do. But…I'd draw a line somewhere. Like if I had to murder someone in cold blood…"

Mitrofan:

Dalibor: “Yes, really! Mitrofan, why on earth are you still even going on with this demented hypothetical?!”

"So even in that situation, your oath would come first," Mitrofan noted. "...But what if non-compliance meant the death of Cornelia and the kids? Kidnappers aren't exactly negotiable people."

"..." The Grimmsnarl tried to give an answer that wouldn't play into his old friend's hands. But he found himself unable to muster a different reply, and only growled in annoyance.

"I can gauge this much, then," the Aggron surmised. "You would be in complete emotional turmoil. …But then who wouldn't? If I posed that question to any married man or woman, they would be as unable to answer as you. If placed in that situation, only the truly hard-hearted could escape their emotions being wracked.”

[ ]

“But few Pokémon like that exist. For the average Pokémon, such an experience would scar them for life,” the Aggron said. “Perhaps they would succeed, and they would be reunited with their loved ones once again. …For many, though…the world isn't as merciful as that. Fate remains a cruel and apathetic mistress for them."

Dalibor: “Mitrofan? Is… Is this what’s happening to Rufina and the kids right now? For gods’ sake, you don’t have to do all of this if so! We can he-!” O_O;
Mitrofan: “This conversation is over, Dalibor.”

"...Mitt…why are you saying this?" Dalibor asked, trying to gauge his old friend's expression.

He seemed stoic and unemotional, with a hint of judging in them. He tried to piece together what Mitrofan was saying to him about his proposed scenario and what he was saying now about emotional turmoil.

If only Cornelia was with me, he found himself wishing. She'd easily be able to determine Mitt's emotions.

This second paragraph feels like it should be a couple smaller ones.

"...That, you'll have to figure out for yourself," Mitrofan told him. "...Perhaps it's time I let you know of another secret. Not many know of this, aside from Nikita and Spiridon.”

[ ]

“It's a truth that if heard by Melchior, would most likely cause him to leap to conclusions and worsen the rift between us. But…you are not him, Dalibor. Maybe you might be able to see this truth differently."

… Which is going to wind up going to Arian and Elvira and then back to Melchior, isn’t it? ^^;

"...Spill it, Mitt. What are you trying to tell me?" the Grimmsnarl asked. Watch it be another roundabout truth. Still…maybe there's something in here I might be able to glean from him.

A beat passed before Mitrofan spoke.

"My oath not to kill that I swore when I joined the Irian Guild…I valued it highly. I believed in the justice system of this country. I believed that there was simply no need for us to kill - because that responsibility would be handed over to the knights and executioners that would terminate those who deserved nothing short of death.”

[ ]


"But…beyond my control, that oath was broken. I would never have done so, but a malevolent force willed me to break it. …A short time before I killed Kliment and his family, my oath had already been broken."

I’m just going to take it that the whole elaborate “would you do evil things to save your wife and kids” things wasn’t just an idle hypothetical there.

[ ]

"...What?" This was a shock to Dalibor. "You…killed people before you killed Kliment?"

Dalibor: “Good gods, Mitrofan. Who are you?!”

"Not willingly. I would never have dreamed of committing such vile acts. Not even for Rufina and my children. [ ] But I wasn't given a choice in that matter." A hardened look came into Mitrofan's eyes. "...It was that very incident that compelled me to put Kliment down. My oath was in tatters, anyway. What did it matter, killing to kill another soul? At least this one was justified, in the overthrow of a despot."

I feel as if the bit in brackets feels like a part where Mitt would naturally pause while speaking, though I admittedly drew a blank on how to suggest dividing up this paragraph.

… Also, is Cornelia still unaware of what’s going on right now? .-.

"Despot?" Dalibor was aghast. "Look who's talking! Just what did you do?! Who did you kill?"

[ ]


"...I cannot say," was came the Aggron's reply. "For the simple reason that I don't know."

Oh, there’s a story behind this one, I can tell. I’m guessing that’s what the ‘Seven Years Ago’ special episode is all about.

[ ]


"Again with this crap, Mitt!" the Grimmsnarl raged. "I don't care what it was you did or why you did it, but murder?! It's unjustifiable, no matter the circumstances!"

That actually makes me wonder if the Mercenary’s Code also covers justifiable homicide as part of it and how it determines whether or not a killing qualifies or not.

"Oh? But did you not just say a minute ago, that if I laid one finger on Cornelia or any of the orphans, you would, and I quote, 'tear your fucking guts out'?" Mitrofan reminded. "Or did you forget?"

"...I didn't forget," Dalibor spat through clenched teeth. "...Dammit, Mitt…why are you like this? That murder…was that when this change happened within you?"

"..." For once, Mitrofan was the one to remain silent, refusing to reply.

Dalibor: “Mitt, where are you even going with this? First you traumatize one of my charges, then you withhold money from my orphanage of all things as your choice of how to settle accounts over dealing with those two Mercenaries, and now you have the gall to pepper me with these ghoulish hypotheticals.”

"Answer me, Mitt!" the Grimmsnarl demanded. "This…This isn't who you are anymore! You were always someone everyone looked up to when you were Guildmaster. And you were someone who told me that he loved his job, and the guild in which he worked. You were a great leader, and a great friend. Us, Spiridon, and Team Marshwood…we had a strong friendship, all of us.”

Wait, but isn’t Mitt precisely a cold, murderous tyrant in the present day? I think the underlined is better framed from an angle of “This isn’t who you used to be”

[ ]

"But…you're a completely different person now. Those skills as Guildmaster, that charisma you exuded…I barely see them in you now. It's almost like…" A realisation came to Dalibor, and he voiced it.”

[ ]


"It's almost like you don't want to do this. This whole tsar of Selenia thing. Hell...possibly even living."

Mitrofan: “Gee, it’s not like I just spent multiple minutes strongly implying at length what my motivations for being the present Tsar of Selenia were. Have you really grown this slow to read the room, Dalibor?”

He didn't know what he was expecting. He had hoped for a greater reaction from his old friend than what he got. Uttering this was good for his side of the conversation, he felt - he was getting worked up as he spoke, and feared that he'd be shedding tears if he continued. Instead, he got an opportunity to compose himself, while he gauged the Aggron's reactions.

His observation, luckily, was rewarded. He managed to catch a glint of something in the Aggron's eyes. It was brief, but Dalibor managed to detect it. And the emotion in question seemed to give it away.

Pain.

Whelp, looks like we found that chink in Mitty’s emotional armor there.

A thought came to him, based on what the Aggron had been asking him. A thought that made him feel like he was on the edge of figuring out something important.

"...Mitt? Is Rufina...dead? Is that why we don't see her anymore?"

I feel that the underlined is a little repetitive in framing with the repetition of “A thought”. Consider something along the lines of “A thought came to him based on the Aggron’s questions. Perhaps it was mere conjecture, but Dalibor felt he was on the edge of figuring out the root of his once-friend’s transformation.”

Though you had Mitrofan explicitly claim that he didn’t know what became of his wife and children earlier. If so, it might make sense to change Dalibor’s line of questioning to something like “... Mitt, you know what happened to Rufina, don’t you? Is she… dead? [...]” earlier.

That, he hoped would coax an answer out of his old friend. After all, he knew her Rufina well, too. And he'd found himself wondering during the four years what had happened to the Aggron's spouse. But on the few occasions when Mitrofan had visited and he'd inquired, his question always remained unanswered, or the Aggron would simply pretend he hadn't heard it. A part of him feared that maybe she'd wronged him in some way, and faced suffered the consequences for it, but… if she was dead...

But that thought, the Scenarios began to that was forming form in his mind, if true…suddenly framed Mitrofan's situation in a much more sympathetic light. Not enough to completely forgive him, but…he really must have been an emotional wreck if he decided killing Tsar Kliment was justified.

Some suggestions here and there for tweaking the phrasing a bit. What on earth did Kliment do to set Mitrofan off this much? Bungle a hostage negotiation or something? .-.

Mitrofan remained silent. However, after having this potential epiphany, Dalibor couldn't help but feel for his old friend. He must have gone through a lot. There's still a lot I don't know about what happened back then, but…more than ever, I'm something traumatic shaped the person he is today. And if what I'm thinking is true…then that might well explain all everything he's going through right now.

I mean, I’m still not sure that this is really what happened based on Mitrofan’s earlier dialogue, but “snapping from a loss of a loved one” is a pretty reliable motivator for going off the deep end in fiction. Even if I’m still curious as to what Kliment’s involvement in all of this was.

The Selenian leader's face spelled conflict looked visibly torn. Dalibor, though previously incensed at his old friend, couldn't help but feel sorry for him with this realisation over what may have happened to him his potential loss. However, he still wanted to find out the truth. Therefore, he took a breath and tried a softer tone.

"...Please, Mitt. I…don't want to see you suffer like this. Could you tell me the truth?"

Oh, so we really are getting straight into the matter as part of the Special Episode that starts right after this, huh?

It must have seemed like a tempting offer, based on how the look of conflict developed on Mitrofan's face. It seemed like he was giving genuine consideration to Dalibor's request. For a second, the Grimmsnarl thought he was getting through to him. For just a split second, he thought he saw shades of the old Mitrofan, ready to burst through the dictatorial mould he had crafted for himself over the five years he had been ruling Selenia.

Alas, that moment was interrupted by Nikita.

Dalibor: “Oh, for gods’ sake…”

"You've said enough, Dalibor," the Marowak interjected. "Master Mitrofan, we're done here. Even if Dalibor was a close friend, that doesn't mean we should leak every secret we have. …Especially what ones that we don't know."

[ ]


"...Indeed," the Aggron murmured. Notably, much of the earlier bite and menace in his voice had gone. But still… just when he looked to be breaking that mould about to lay his heart bare, he had composed himself and was regressing back into it.

"It's getting quite late. I must return to the castle."

It probably makes sense to describe Mitrofan’s change in mood / acknowledgement of Nikita a bit more explicitly than this.

[ ]

"...But…" Dalibor couldn't hide his disappointment. "...What about - "

"Some things must remain in the dark," Mitrofan replied firmly. "...Besides…it's not like telling you the truth will salvage my name at this point."

Oh, so Mitrofan is quietly bothered by the things he’s been up to lately, even if he obviously feels in too deep to turn back.

[ ]


"...Mitt…" And just like that, he's back to his current self. Dammit…I was so close too…

"I must go." Mitrofan moved to leave. "Nikita is right. I've said enough tonight.”

[ ]

“…Maybe I don't need to say more for you to figure it out. You're level-headed, Dalibor. Don't make a rash, impulsive decision like Team Marshwood did. At least give some thought to it all everything I told you, rather than rushing to a simple conclusion."

A couple spots where it probably makes sense to expand on the characters’ reactions a bit more.

And with that, he turned and walked down the street back to Iria Castle, followed by Nikita. Spiridon, who had been listening in on the conversation, turned to his ex-partner.

"A lot of the pieces are there, Dali," Spiridon told him. "If you want to figure it out, it's up to you to piece them together."

Dalibor: “Seriously, Spiridon?” >_>;
Spiridon: “Sorry, Dalibor. You know how Mitt can be.”

[ ]

"...Was I close?" Dalibor wondered.

"Damn close," the Hawlucha revealed. "But I can't say any more. Let's just say…I sided with Mitt for a good reason, oaths be damned. At the end of the day, sticking by your friends is far more important than some words on a page."

We’re going to wind up seeing the heroic version of this at some point in this story, aren’t we? Since that sort of framing just feels like it’s begging to be mirrored at some point down the road.

The Hawlucha departed after this, following after Mitrofan and Nikita. Meanwhile, Dalibor was left at the gate, his mind ablaze with thoughts regarding the whole exchange he'd had. He was struck by his mind's workings at what it all meant that he didn't notice his wife come up to him.

"Dali? What are you still doing out here?"

"Gah!" Dali jumped. "Oh, Cornelia…sorry. I didn't realise you were there."

Cornelia: “... Dalibor? What on earth is going on? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!” .-.

"Sorry for giving you a fright," the Hatterene apologised. "But come inside. You look like you have a lot to tell me."

"...I do." Dalibor let out a long sigh as he turned to head back inside the orphanage. [ ]

"...Cornelia…I might have just been given the keys to why Mitt did what he did. I just…need time to join all the pieces together."

It feels like you’re missing something here in order to transition back to Dalibor speaking again in the story. It might be worth more explicitly depicting his reaction to Cornelia there.

Then I can figure out what happened to Mitt. And maybe…what happened to Rufina too.

Yeah, I’m feeling pretty good about that prediction earlier that that’s what that special episode’s going to be all about.

The next morning…

One thing that became apparent to Arian as he began to regain consciousness was that he had a headache, particularly around the centre of his forehead. It ached Had Sansarn really just tried to find his memories? It felt like a physical blow had been dealt to that part in his head. there!

Not really feeling the “Arian had a headache” and the “It ached” right afterwards since they’re basically saying the same thing. Alternatively as a more minimalistic change, you could s/”It ached”/”It smarted” or some other word focusing more on the nature or extent of the pain he’s presently feeling.

"Urgh…" As he felt himself coming to, his paw instinctively went to his forehead, in an effort to nurse the pain.

"...He's coming around, Your Holiness," a voice spoke.

Arian: “Urk… you did manage to find some memories during all of that, right?”

"...Good." Another voice replied, though Arian couldn't help but notice the guilt in their tone.

Arian: “... I’m just going to take that as a ‘no’ there.” -_-;

Eventually, his eyes opened fully, to him staring at a blank ceiling. He tilted his head to the right, and there, he saw Elvira.

"...Elvira?" he groaned, feeling his head throbbing.

"Thank goodness you're awake," the Treecko replied. "...How are you feeling?"


"...Honestly? Not great," he admitted. "My head feels like it's been hit by a hammer…"

I mean, after you evolve, getting hit in the head by a hammer might hurt a bit less since your bones will likely be metallic? ^^;

"That is to be expected." The other voice spoke again, and Arian turned to see Sansarn, behind Elvira. "Your mind actively resisted my attempts to undo the amnesia that clouds you."

Arian: “I’m sorry, what?”

"...What?" Arian uttered. Then he remembered what the Slowking did with him last night. "Oh, right! That amnesia-clearing thing! Did it work?"

[ ]

"...You should be able to confirm that for yourself," the pontifex replied. "I fear, however…I know what the answer is."

[ ]


"...Well, Arian? Do you remember anything new?" Elvira asked.

Some spots where it probably makes sense to expand on the characters’ reactions, but I’m just going to call it here and say that Arian didn’t exactly make progress on getting his memories back.

The Riolu paused, collecting his thoughts. Did anything new come to his mind? Despite the headache that vexed him at present, he sought out any new thoughts. Any new memories of family, friends, how he came to this world…anything.

However… nothing came to mind.

"I…can't remember anything new," Arian revealed, disappointed. "...Guess that was all for nothing, then."

Yeah, I knew it.

"...I feared as much," Sansarn replied, himself just as dismayed himself. "I sincerely apologise for being unable to remove your amnesia, Arian."

That actually makes me wonder if prior to becoming a Pontifex/priest in general, if Sansarn worked as a healer of some sort, since he sure seemed to handle this like a natural.

"...It's fine," the Riolu returned. "It's not like remembering everything is one of my priorities. I mean, I'd like to one day regain my memories, but…for the moment, I'm content."

"...I see." The pontifex closed his eyes, surmising what had come from the exercise. "...If there is one thing this action has shown, let it be this. … it is that I am far from perfect."

That actually makes me wonder if the Church of Arceus has some equivalent doctrine to papal infallibility, not that “performing healing duties” would be covered under the IRL equivalent.

[ ]

"...Isn't that the same for everyone?" Elvira pointed out. "My dad taught me that."

"Indeed. That is the way the Creator made us all." Sansarn let out a sigh. "But a number of pontifices in recent times have claimed infallibility, and that they can do no wrong. Worse still, this has emboldened them to…commit actions we of the Church deem blasphemous to us who preach the word of our Creator."

Oh, well. That answers that question there. Even if Sansarn obviously isn’t eager to rush out and claim the mantle himself.

"Actions? Like what?" Arian wondered.

[ ]

"...I've heard about this," Elvira replied. "There have been scandals in the East in the last ten years or so, with high-ranking clergymen supposedly having secret love affairs and fathering children. There was also…embezzlement, as well, along with bribery and nepotism. …At least from what I've heard."

Ah yes, just like real life. Though I see that the Church of Arceus also demands clerical celibacy in Ardalion. Wonder if that has anything to do at all with how Eldisholm went “lol, lmao” at remaining in contact with everyone else.

"...Regrettably, you are correct," Sansarn mournfully confessed. "It was shameful behaviour. To think that archbishops and even pontifices of the highest accord fell to such vices…it has left a lot to cleanse.”

“The responsibility of doing so lies with I - an outsider of the Eastern nobility. It was the wish of the people, who had become alienated from the Church as a result of this misconduct,” Sansarn explained. “as well as an admission by His Excellency Emperor Vittorio himself admitted that if the Church was to be rid of such immoral behaviour, an outsider to the system was necessary. Thus, I came to assume the title of pontifex maximus after my predecessor, Pontifex Nicander, unfortunately met his end through assassination."

Some more odds and ends recommendations here. Though I see that Dreselia is at least partly modeled after Rome during Constantine’s reign and onward when the church became the state religion. That makes me wonder if there was a ‘before time’ for Ardalion’s religious beliefs prior to the Church of Arceus gaining its dominant position.

[ ]

"Well…at least you're doing good work to fix that whole mess," Arian said. "You certainly have my back."

"And mine," Elvira added. "Especially since you're keeping us in sanctuary, safe from Mitrofan."

I mean, I’m not fully sure how much I should be trusting Sansarn just yet. Let’s just say that the batting average of portrayals of expies of the Church, especially in works based off of Japanese Media are such that I’d frankly be more surprised if Sansarn is as genuinely wholesome as he presents. Sure wouldn’t stop him from having awful underlings either way.

[ ]

"...Thank you very much, both of you," Sansarn replied gratefully. "It pleases me to know that I have support from both the Selenian clergy and the common people. I am more convinced than ever that I can work to wipe clean the stains of impropriety from our holy institution's name. For the Creator, and those that worship His good name."

Arian: “So, uh… does worshiping this ‘Creator’ actually do anything, or…? Since your world kinda feels like he’s not really doing much about things spinning apart.” ^^;
Sansarn: “I would really appreciate it if you didn’t just casually cast aspersions on our god right now.”

Arian took in the pontifex's encouraging words. He does seem as good as his word, he thought. Even if he is from the East, he at least seems like someone I'd far rather side with than Mitrofan. …This guy's good in my book.

Which is about one of the most genre-blind things you can do in a JRPG-themed setting since outside of Bravely Default and the Dragon Quest series… uh… yeah, the local analogue of the Church is usually bad news (and even in BD, it had a lot of skeletons in its closet).

I heard anecdotally through the grapevine that this story rolled the minority route for depictions, but we’ll see. Especially since even if Sansarn is a nice guy, there’s clearly interests within the Church that would feel threatened by him being Pontifex.

His mind then drifted to other matters when he looked over at the other beds, and something occurred to him.

"Where are Serafina and Natalie?" he pondered, before he realised something else. "Actually, Though how long was I out?"

"A long time," Elvira told him. "It was evening time when you passed out, and it's morning now. Team Anima are upstairs with Archbishop Khariton."

Arian: “I’d say that at least I got a good night’s sleep out of everything, but it’s honestly kinda hard to tell with this headache.”

"Well…let's not keep them waiting." Arian got up from his bed. "I'm fine, before you ask. Just a headache is all."

[ ]


"...Alright, Arian, if you are better, then…let's head up."

Wait, is that Elvira or Sansarn who’s saying that second line there? It’s a little unclear right now.

Team Elpis made their way back to the main congregation area along with Sansarn. When they got there, Serafina and Natalie were indeed there with Khariton. [ ]

"Arian! Are you well?" the Meowstic asked.

Probably makes sense to describe Team Anima’s reaction a bit more to Team Elpis’ arrival.

"I'm fine, don't worry," Arian assured, and chose to quickly change the subject so as not to focus on him. "So…what's the plan of action now?"

"...It is our wish to return back to Kamengrad," Serafina replied. "Though we are safe within the walls of Iria Cathedral, we would like to get back to our friends in the Guild. They may worry for us if we are away for too long."

Natalie: “Um… you wouldn’t happen to have a secret passage out of here past the walls, would you?” ^^;
Elvira: “Aren’t we supposed to be going back to check up on Dalibor anyways right now?” >_>;

"An understandable sentiment," Sansarn said. "I would be all too glad to allow you all to walk out of here. …But there is the matter of safety. I would be concerned if you did not have a plan to get past the knights in your escape of Iria."

[ ]


"...Ah," Serafina faltered, realising the pontifex had a point.

I feel like it makes more sense to show that realization of ‘guy’s got a point’ through something like characterizations rather than just making it an informed attribute there.

"You have plenty of time to think of one," Khariton pointed out. "After all, sanctuary is effective for forty days. Only then will we be forced to escort you out of here."

Team Elpis + Anima:

Sansarn: “It’s a condition for us to be able to maintain churches across the borders of Ardalion’s realms? (Also, are you implying that you wouldn’t go stir-crazy in here anyways by the first week?)” ^^;

[ ]

"...I doubt we'll need that much time to think of a plan," Elvira replied. "...We have a map of Iria. Let's see what we can think up."

The four brainstormed for some time, debating what route to take out of the city and how to avoid knights along the way. However, it was becoming apparent that with a lack of knowledge of the knights' patrol routes, their plan was looking a tad threadbare.

I don’t suppose there’s another Mystery Dungeon somewhere down in the catacombs that’ll let you get from Point A to Point B kinda like the road to Kamengrad, huh?

At one point, Arian's eyes drifted to all the stained glass imagery depicted in the Church. He looked up to see the scene depicted above the altar, and couldn't help but be fascinated by it.

"Your Grace?" he asked Khariton. "Who are those Pokémon? I don't think I've come across them in the books I've studied about Pokémon."

[ ]


"...I beg your pardon?" Khariton, who had overheard Arian's question, sounded quite staggered. "You…don't know?"

Khariton: “I’m sorry, but did you crawl out from under a rock the other day or something?”

Arian: “Er… technically, yes, if you count the catacombs.” ^^;

"Don't forget he's got amnesia, Yer Grace," Natalie reminded.

[ ]


"...I am aware," the Togetic replied. "But…is Arian truly unaware of the existence of our Creator Lord Arceus, and the gods who He created the world with? Even if he does have amnesia…it's still a shocking truth to digest."

Natalie: “It’s a very severe case of amnesia.”
Togetic: “I’ll say.” .-.

Arceus? There's that name again…So there's a whole church dedicated to them. …Hmm…guess I'm going to find out just who this Arceus is.

Try looking up at the stained-glass windows, Arian.

"...There is never a time not to preach His word, Archbishop," Sansarn said to him. "And as the pontifex maximus of our Creator's church on Ardalion, I would be all too honoured to tell you the story of Lord Arceus."

He walked up the steps of the altar, and once behind it, he began his gospel.

Not that it’s particularly relevant to this story, but that makes me wonder if there’s other landmasses in this world aside from Ardalion.

"Lord Arceus the Creator is the being that created our universe. It was He who appeared, when the world was but an endless void, and forged the world as we know it. He created the world with His 1,000 Thousand Arms, and all of the natural beauty in His realm sprung into life,” the Slowking explained. “Earth, wind and sky - all were given form by His blessing. By His will, our universe was created. Thus, we worship Lord Arceus as the Creator of our world. It is He who is depicted at the apex of this window."

He gestured to the stained glass behind him, to the equine Pokémon with the golden cross-wheel. [ ]

Arian: “... Oh, so that’s Arceus.”

"I see…" Arian said. "So all life was created by Arceus?" He looked up at the heavenly figure in the stained glass. The creator of this world…

"It is because Lord Arceus created life that we exist today," Sansarn replied. "In His crafting of His ideal world, the Creator saw to the creation of deities. Some were created by His own hands, while others came into being through the life that was being breathed in the new land that Lord Arceus had created. Many are depicted within our churches, including this one." Sansarn stepped away from the altar and gestured to each figure he mentioned that was painted upon the stained glass windows of the cathedral.

I’ll admit that given how forward the Catholic Church parallels are with Ardalion’s Church, that I’m a little surprised that the other Legendaries aren’t framed as “angels” or if getting a bit more discrete about it, “virtues”/”powers”, given that having physical bodies aside, that that’s essentially what they function as in in the cosmology that Sansarn is outlining. Though I suppose that the average reader on the Anglophone internet would default to thinking of winged humans in robes and that “high god presiding over a subordinate pantheon” is a nice way to add some fantasy distance versus your obvious source of inspiration here.

"Dialga, deity of time." A four legged sapphire-blue dragon with metallic plating and a chest plate with a diamond on it.

"Palkia, deity of space." A white-and-pink dragon with a long neck and pearl-like crystals on its shoulders.

"Giratina the Renegade." A scarier-looking six-legged dragon with black wings and a grey body, with gold half-rings along its neck. "Though he was banished for his violence towards the Creator, he is nonetheless a part of the story of our world's creation."

Ah yes, I can already tell who the ‘fallen angel’ of the pantheon is. Though that makes me wonder how other ‘not nice’ Legendaries are framed in the local setting mythos.

"Mew, the Mother of All Pokémon." A pink, almost feline looking Pokémon that even in its depiction in the stained glass, Arian couldn't help but find it rather cute.

Huh. I wonder if that implies that they wouldn’t see Arceus and the Creation Trio as being Pokémon, but being some other type of entities. And if Mew just was the mother of normie Pokémon, or of all the other members of the pantheon as well.

"Groudon, guardian of the land." A dinosaur-like Pokémon with red armour plating and menacing claws and teeth.

"Kyogre, guardian of the sea." A blue whale-like Pokémon with red markings across its body.

"Rayquaza, guardian of the sky." A long, thin emerald coloured dragon with ring-like symbols along its body.

And there’s our weather trio there. Admittedly a part of me isn’t really sure whether or not it makes sense to loredump all the Legendaries right here and now since presumably most are not going to be relevant in this story for a while, but I’ll admit I’m a bit of a sucker for worldbuilding like this.

I do wonder if it makes sense to highlight Arian / the other characters’ reactions at different points as Sansarn’s going through the list and/or if he’s moving to point off at different windows.

"Xerneas, bringer of life." A deer Pokémon with kaleidoscopically colourful antlers, a blue and black body, and blade-like legs.

"Yveltal, bringer of death." An avian Pokémon with a red and black body in the shape of a Y.

"Zygarde, the reverser of destruction." A snake-like black and green scaled Pokémon with hexagonal green markings on it.

I assume that Yveltal is basically the ‘angel of death’ of the pantheon and nobody really likes dealing with him/her outside of whenever it’s time for “lol, screw that guy” for someone who’s causing a bunch of problems in-setting.

"Solgaleo, deity of the sun." A brilliant white lion Pokémon with a mane in the shape of the sun.

"Lunala, deity of the moon." A bat-like Pokémon with deep blue wings in the shape of a crescent moon.

Reshiram: “Aw… but where’s the diety of truth? Surely that’s important enough for a pantheon spot, isn’t it?”

"They are but a few of the Legendary Pokémon that Lord Arceus created. They help to maintain the stability of this world that our Creator breathed life into," Sansarn described. "Some of them proceeded to expand upon the Creator's universe and forge new areas of land and sea. The seismic events, primarily created by battles between Groudon and Kyogre - "

Sansarn paused briefly, He gesturing to the stained glass artwork depicting the two aforementioned deities.

" - Saw the creation of a number of landmasses that dot the world in which we live. One of them…is the land on which we stand today - Ardalion.

Oh, so there are other landmasses in Ardalion’s world. I suppose that’s definitely convenient for if you ever feel like doing a sequel/prequel/gaiden story in a faraway land with a radically different aesthetic.

"There is perhaps no place in this world more sacred to the Creator than our fair land of Ardalion. Though other parts of the world are cherished by Him, He has remained an undying presence over our fair land. It is said that Lord Arceus dwells in the heavens above Sanctus Mons, the highest mountain in all of Ardalion, where he has watched over us since time immemorial.”

[ ]

“While the other Legendaries are vital to the continued existence of our world - some of whom dwell in a number of Mystery Dungeons throughout Ardalion - our world could not have come to be without the will of Lord Arceus the Creator.”

[ ]

“That is why we in the Church of Arceus worship His name higher than any of the other Legendaries. Every day, we give our thanks to His blessing that has allowed Ardalion to thrive all these years. And may it be so until the end of our days."

Well, that’s certainly an on-the-nose name for a Holy Mountain. Though I suppose that makes Ardalion the equivalent of this world’s Sinnoh. Just a lot larger given that it has an entire continent surrounding this mountain.

Though just filing away that note that there are apparently Legendaries bumming around in different Mystery Dungeons in this world. That’s definitely on-brand for the official games, though it makes me wonder if that’s actually going to be a thing that Team Elpis does at some point in the story.

Arian listened intently to the pontifex's gospel, taking in everything he was saying. However, as he came near the end of his speech, he couldn't help but feel as though there was a contradiction with Sansarn's words and what was going on in Ardalion at the moment. Elvira's words about increasing natural disasters and the unusual dryness that had come over Selenia came back to him.

Should I call him out for it? he debated. Mmm…we've gotten along well so far. I don't want to mess things up and cause a rift between us. In our situation, we need all the allies we can get. …Best to keep my mouth shut, I think.

Oh, so Arian really is going to go the “... wait, but why isn’t Arceus doing anything right now?” route, huh? And here I did that as a joke earlier. :V

[ ]

"...A rousing delivery, Your Holiness," Khariton praised, before turning to Arian. "Do you have a greater understanding of Lord Arceus the Creator now?"

"...Oh, er, yes," Arian replied, still slightly distracted by his own thought process. "That's very interesting, Your Holiness. I have to look deeper into this."

Khariton: “You don’t sound particularly interested, just saying.”

Arian: “Look, you just threw a lot of new names and faces at me, okay?” >_>;

"There's a copy of the Holy Scripture back at the Guild," Elvira told him. "You can ask for that when we get back."

That thing must be quite the tree-killer if there’s not copies just jammed into the backs of the pews. Unless this is one of those churches that basically just has long benches for seating.

"Thanks, Elvira." Her words then reminded him of what they were doing before he sidetracked them all with his wonderings about the deities of the Pokémon world. "Oh yeah…getting back to our plans. …How do we get out of Iria?"

[ ]


"I have a suggestion, if I may," Sansarn interjected. "...Perhaps these might be of aid."

From his pontifical robes, the Slowking produced four orbs, and gave them to Teams Elpis and Anima.

"What are these?" Natalie asked.

"They are invisify orbs," Sansarn told them. "Using them turns you invisible to the naked eye."

Arian: “Well, that’s certainly handy… what’s the catch here, though?”

"Wow," Arian remarked, before realising what this meant. "You guys! We can use these to avoid detection from the knights!"

"...Yes, we can!" Serafina said. "Thank you very much for this, Your Holiness! We will not forget your generosity!"

Serafina: “Though… I don’t suppose that you have another set of four to spare? There’s actually a friend in town we should probably be checking on before we leave.” ^^;

"Generosity is but a part of my creed as pontifex maximus," Sansarn replied. "You are all too welcome to have them."

[ ]


"...Why d'ya have invisify orbs?" queried Natalie. "...If ya don't mind me askin', Yer Holiness."

It probably makes sense to more explicitly mention Natalie’s presumptive [hrmmmchiro] reaction here, since based on her dialogue, I assume that she’s side-eyeing Sansarn fairly noticeably.

"...I mentioned before how I am an outsider to the system of nobility in the Eastern Alliance," Sansarn answered. "It was through the recommendation of His Excellency Emperor Vittorio that I am where I am today. This, however, has earned the ire of those who believe the responsibilities of the pontifex maximus should only be reserved for the nobility. To put it simply…I have been the target of numerous assassination attempts."

Well, that certainly would be a good reason to have a bunch of Invisify Orbs on you.

[ ]

"What? That's terrible!" Serafina reacted. "I am sorry to hear that, Your Holiness. …I was unaware there were people vile enough to think of assassinating one as charitable as you."

Oh, so Serafina is confirmed to be the religious one of the group considering how she’s reacting the most viscerally to this revelation.

"...Your concern is appreciated," the Slowking replied, taking in the Meowstic's words. "...To get around this, therefore, I make use of invisify orbs to limit opportunities in which I could be attacked. While it hasn't eliminated intimidation, it has helped. The usage of them could very well mean the difference between life and death.”

[ ]

“It would be a shame if I met an end akin to my predecessor, Pontifex Nicander. A pity that his life had to be taken in so cruel a manner…"

Sansarn: “To say nothing about how excruciatingly painful it would be. I’ll admit, while I’m prepared to be a martyr for my faith, it’s something I’d rather not just rush into with open arms.” ^^;

[ ]

"...Yes. Or in the same manner as House Ruslan," Elvira added. "Their lives taken from them, and the end result being that the peace that Selenia once had has now been tossed aside. Now we have despotic figures like Mitrofan and Hinnerk ruling the roost.”

[ ]

“…What path is Selenia to take now?"

"Don't forget that rumour, though," Arian pointed out. "You know, what Dio told us? About Prince Leonid - if I remember correctly - still being alive?"

Elvira: “Arian. It’s been five years and all there’s been is rumors. Realistically, Leonid’s probably dead in a ditch somewhere by now.”

"That's only a rumour, Arian," Elvira rebutted. "There's no evidence that it's true. I wish we had proof, but…"

"Hmmm…" Sansarn vocalised. "What's this about Prince Leonid and rumours? You say he's still alive?"

Arian: “I literally just said that...”

"Indeed, Your Holiness," Khariton said. "I have heard this rumour myself, that Prince Leonid supposedly managed to escape Iria Castle, and was not, as many believe, killed by the marauding Mitrofan.”

[ ]

“Some of our parishioners believe in it, and hold out hope that the tsesarevich will return and oust Mitrofan from the throne that he unjustly robbed. …Alas, at present, we have no evidence to substantiate this claim."

"...Well, then." Sansarn stood up straight, ready to reveal something important. "Your parishioners' hopes may well be answered, Archbishop Khariton."

"...What?" Khariton stood to attention. "Your Holiness, you don't mean…"

"...I do," the pontifex returned. "...A number of churches over the past five years have received requests for sanctuary from none other than Prince Leonid himself. It would appear Prince Leonid, the tsesarevich - I hope I used that term correctly - did manage to escape.”

[ ]

“He fled across the border to Dresilia with Lady Svetlana, his princess, and requested sanctuary in a multitude of churches within the Empire,” the Slowking explained. “He spent some time, along with fellow Selenian nobles who had fled the new regime in their home country, requesting aid from His Excellency and Dresilia's noble families."

I was going to say that the term in underlined was wrong, but no, that is apparently the proper title from 1797 onwards. Cute wrinkle in detail given that it very specifically refers to an ‘heir apparent’, which I suppose explains some fluff text you’ve put on art pieces involving Leonid in the past.

That said, I wonder if there ought to logically have been more of a reaction by the gang to Sansarn’s casual confirmation that Leonid survived Mitrofan’s purge of the royal house there, since you’d think that that’d be a huge revelation for everyone present.

"...But nothing's come through," Arian pointed out.

"That is true, yes. The reason for that appears to have been greater priorities in the eyes of the then Emperor of Dresilia, His Excellency Emperor Annibale," Sansarn elaborated. "Though he and Archon Pyrrhus of Miletos attempted to build bridges with Tsar Kliment, that goodwill did not spread to the common man. Many were unwilling to fight to free Selenia. In their eyes, a savage had killed a savage in a far-off land.”

[ ]

“What difference did it make to their lives unless they were threatened by them? Indeed, there are voices of concern on the other side of the Empyrean Mountains, but many citizens simply have other matters that weigh heavier on their conscience,” the Slowking explained. “The last year, in particular, has been tumultuous for the Eastern Alliance, and their internal problems far outshine the problems in Selenia. This in turn has meant the ignorance of Prince Leonid and the nobles of Selenia in favour of greater issues plaguing Dresilia and Miletos."

Things must be going really sideways out east for neither of the two major powers to round up a bunch of local criminal scum and restive peasants involved in the latest failed revolt of the month, go “here’s your army, Leonid” and then quietly support him in return for favors to call in once he returned to the throne. Since just saying, that wasn’t exactly rare as a playbook in the Greco-Roman world when attempting to wade into the affairs of barbarians IRL.

"...I recall hearing about this from my family," Serafina recalled. "It is more difficult than ever now to raise awareness about Selenia to the Dresilian people, where they reside at the minute. Dresilia has been suffering its own sets of droughts, and coupled with the assassinations of both Pontifex Nicander and Emperor Annibale in the past year, there is a fervent need to keep the country stable amidst these crises."

I can’t tell whether it’s a good or a bad thing that Mercenaries writ large in Ardalion have cleaned up their act ever since Team Hope entered the stage, since… uh… yeah, otherwise Leonid would have had his army as long as he had the coin to spare. ^^;

"Indeed. I myself am aware of these struggles," Sansarn replied. "Even so…it is regrettable that little is done to address the Selenian situation in the East. It would go a long way towards greater friendship between our two nations, and hopefully that would extend to the commonfolk of both tsardom and empire.”

[ ]

“The alleviation of suffering…His Excellency has the power to do so for the good of all, and yet he does not exercise it. I wish I could do more…” the Slowking murmured to himself. “But as pontifex, I am always subordinate to Emperor Vittorio in regards to power," he lamented with disappointment.

Sansarn’s dialogue is long-winded enough that you should consider dividing it up into two parts here.

"...Where is Prince Leonid now?" wondered Elvira. "Is he still in Dresilia?"

"...Unfortunately, I do not know," the Slowking answered. "What I have told you about Prince Leonid's sojourns in sanctuary is from five years ago. However, I have not heard anything regarding his current whereabouts. I do not believe I have heard of him approaching His Excellency for aid in the past three years or so.”

[ ]

“In fact. It's possible that…due to the refusal to grant him aid to retake Selenia…Prince Leonid and Lady Svetlana may have left Dresilia altogether."

I mean, that sounds like a fantastic way to come back into power with zero popular legitimacy given how opinionated the average Selenian has been depicted as being about the last time Dresilia had any level of influence over local politics. So maybe that was a blessing in disguise there. ^^;

"...What? Do you really think so?" Serafina said. "...But then where could he have gone?"

[ ]


"...Ya don't think he's dead, do ya?" Natalie wondered.

"...I cannot say I know," Sansarn reiterated. "...When I return to Padavonum, I shall seek out records of sanctuary in the last year in our churches. Prince Leonid may well have sheltered elsewhere in places I have overlooked.”

[ ]

“If I find any information, I shall inform your Guild of this. …You said the Irian Guild was in Kamengrad, correct?"

Some more spots where it makes sense to slow down and expand things a bit. Especially since the “If I find any information [...]” part feels a little weird to read without some sort of pause preceding it.

"It is," Elvira confirmed. "Thank you very much, Your Holiness. You've been a great help to us."

"It is no trouble," the pontifex returned. "I do hope we can unearth information on Prince Leonid's whereabouts sooner rather than later. Know that I sympathise with your plight and the woes of the Selenian people under Mitrofan, and the sooner they are rid of their suffering, the better. For many, seeing the reinstatement of House Ruslan, the ruling dynasty of Selenia, would put their minds at ease."

Since just saying, I don’t think that Leonid returning to power following hot on the heels of a Desilian Legion would endear him to many local Selenians. Even if it would likely be effective at getting what he wants.

[ ]

"Indeed, Your Holiness," Khariton agreed. "As the Archbishop of Selenia, we need a leader that respects the Church and the Creator's word. Not someone who would gladly take your holy life if not for the consequences!" he added, with contempt.

"...Looks like we got a clear goal in mind, then," Arian surmised. "Find Prince Leonid. Then we'll be one step closer to drumming up support for him, and maybe, one of these days, we'll overthrow Mitrofan, and Selenia can go back to normal."

I… think that you should probably do a sanity check on just what the local opinion is of Kliment’s reign was, Arian. Since just saying, you came to Selenia in a region that was very obviously loyalist in sentiment to the Ruslans given that Mitty had to kill and replace the local nobles. Things could be really different in other oblasti.

[ ]

"...You paint a nice picture, Arian," Serafina commented. "Such a rosy image makes me want to make it reality. So…let us do that. Let us seek out Prince Leonid."

"...Let's get back to the Guild first," Elvira said. "We should let everyone there know of this news."

Elvira: “Wait, shouldn’t we be checking up on Dalibor right now?” ^^;
Serafina: “On the one paw, yes, on the other, considering how much trouble we’re in right now, it’s probably for the best to not give the knights ideas that he was involved with us.”

Elvira: “... Shouldn’t we at least ask Sansarn to pass on a letter or something?” .-.

The four got ready to leave. As they neared the exit, Sansarn called out to them.

"Make sure you exit Iria quickly. Those invisify orbs won't last forever," he advised. "But other than that…farewell. May the Creator's benevolence guide you, and lead you along the path of righteousness."

"Thank you, Your Holiness. We won't forget your kindness to us," Elvira returned to him, before the quartet left the cathedral.

Hrm, unless if the gang’s somehow intending to swing by Dalibor’s on the way out (which isn’t communicated), you probably want to explicitly lay out the logic for why they’re not going back to check on him and Rufus here.

[ ]

"...What an ambitious group of characters," remarked Khariton, once they had left. "I can't help but admire their determination." He turned to Sansarn. "Your Holiness…may I pose a question?"

"Of course, Archbishop. I am all ears."

[ ]


"...I could not help but notice your…interest in that Riolu, Arian," the Togetic observed. "Could you elaborate further on why?"

Oh, Sansarn managed to pick up on Arian being human, huh?

"...As I said before, he resembles a Riolu from my past," Sansarn answered. "...Strangely, though…he is different. And yet…he retains a feeling of familiarity."

[ ]


"...Pardon me, Your Holiness, but…I do not understand. What do you mean by that?"

[ ]


"...He speaks with his own voice. When we met downstairs yesterday evening, it was the first time I had heard him speak. It should have been akin to meeting a completely new face, just like it had been for his fellows. And yet…" Sansarn looked at the entrance once more. "...It wasn't. That particular body of a Riolu, with all of its unusual quirks and features…I have seen it before."

Oh, so the parallels to Team Hope were deliberate. (Or at least I think that’s where this is going.) Though wait, how old is Sansarn anyways? ^^;

"...I apologise, Your Holiness, but I still do not fully grasp your words," Khariton admitted, somewhat confused by what his superior was saying.

"...Nor do I, truth be told. This mystery wracks me too," the pontifex admitted. "...The Creator works in mysterious ways, I suppose. As there is reason for all things, so too is there a reason for this anomaly. …One day, the answer shall come to us. Why the Riolu with a familiar appearance speaks in such an unfamiliar tone…

[ ]

"I shall look forward to finding out the truth behind that peculiarity when that day comes."

So wait, is the arrival of a green-eyed Riolu basically the equivalent of Link popping up every few generations in Legend of Zelda? /s

The knights of Selenia were immediately back to another day of usual patrol. They were on high alert, of course. Word had spread that the four wanted mercenaries had been taken into sanctuary in Iria Cathedral. But a common assumption was that they might well use this as a temporary location with base from which to possibly attempt the to dispose of another important figure from Mitrofan’s ranks, like any of the three marshals or worse still, Mitrofan himself.

I did a double-take at the ‘another’ there since I was going to say that Team Elpis didn’t exactly kill anyone in town, but then I realized that that was probably referring to Hinnerk.

None of the knights wanted that. They had high respect for their marshals, especially Spiridon and Ludmila, and none more so than the leader whose rule of law it was for them to enforce. New wanted posters had been drawn up overnight, now depicting all four of them, and they had been handed out to civilians around Iria, warning them of these fugitives.

So they kept their eyes peeled sharply for any of the four wanted mercs. Some were extra thorough and scoped out places where the four would be likely to hide. This had been a recommendation by Marshal Metody, who had previously caught them hiding the day before behind some casks.

Just saying, you three probably should’ve invested more effort into cordoning off exits to the city and then pulling in tighter on them. Since I can already see how they manage to get out of dodge.

"They're hardly professional at that," the Floatzel had scoffed to some knights he had visited that day. "Just keep your eyes peeled in places where they might be hiding. Kegs, casks, dark alleys - there are no shortage of hiding places in the capital, and they might think to utilise them. But out-think them! We knights must use our brains as well as brawn if we are to outwit them."

Knight #1: “Er… shouldn’t we be paying more attention to the gates in that case-?”
Metody: “Out-think them before they get there!”

Alas, Metody's words weren't fully taken to heart. This couldn't exactly be blamed on them; after all, who could have foreseen the tactic of invisify orbs being used to avoid detection by sight? That was why many knights did not see anyone exit Iria Cathedral that morning. Maybe one or two may have sensed something was off, but when they turned to look again, they saw nothing, and continued about their duties as normal.

I’m going to take that as a sign that Team Elpis and Anima made a point of bathing well before get out of dodge since you’d think that hearing and smell would potentially also give them away, too.

Teams Elpis and Anima, invisible to the naked eye, made their way to the nearest exit briskly. Sansarn's warning echoed in their mind that it wouldn't last forever, so they made a point to exit the city as quickly as possible.

Even so, they still attempted to subtly hide when necessary, knowing that the more perceptive guards would sense something was off.

Should’ve hitched a ride on an outbound wagon, just saying, guys.

They played this game until the exit, when, after having passed the last two knights guarding the gate, they threw off any sort of pretence and dashed forward once they were outside the walls, not caring about the reaction behind them. All that mattered to them now at that point was returning back to the Irian Guild to inform everyone of what had gone down in the city.

Luckily for them, the knights seemed to look confusedly at a seeming fleeting presence that passed them by.

"...Did you feel that, Adrian?" a Hitmonchan knight asked.

"...I did, Pyotr," the Durant knight replied. "But…no one's passed through here."

Lmao. I see that killing off the Irian Guild and driving the rest into hiding did wonders for the average quality of Mitty’s new underlings.

"...Could've just been the wind," murmured Pyotr.

"...Could've been." His partner's own murmur sounded a bit more doubtful. Almost like they were missing something. Had something really passed them by?

Whatever. Let's just focus on keeping those no-good mercs from exiting the city.

Ah yes, the Marshalls are going to be thrilled to hear about this one, I’m sure. ^^;

Alright, made it to the end. And I see that we’ve finally made it out of Iria again, with good news for the guild to boot. This chapter was a bit on the slower side since it was basically mostly backstory and worldbuilding, but it had a lot of fun insights and hints towards Mitrofan’s character and the way that things work with Ardalion’s cosmology and politics, which I’m sure we’ll be hearing quite a bit more of. In the very near future too, if your chapter titles are anything to go by.

In terms of weaknesses, there were some phrasing and paragraph formatting quibbles I had here and there, and the regular suspects for underdescription and “showing not telling” reared their heads decently often. For things that are more than a simple “additive editing” issue, there were a couple things about the actual chapter structure that struck me as a bit iffy:

The first was that Dalibor’s end of the story is not properly closed from Team Elpis’ end. Their course of action of not going back for him actually makes sense in-setting, but they aren’t really depicted talking things through as to why to do that when logically Arian and Elvira would’ve been a bit worried for Dalibor and Rufus’ well-being. At minimum, it’d make sense for Team Anima to explain “no, going back to check up on Dalibor is liable to just get him in trouble” and maybe asking Sansarn or Khariton to forward a letter explaining that they’re okay. The other chapter structure issue basically is a function of how genuinely threatening Mitty’s knights are supposed to be, since… uh… they basically got completely rolled by the gang just bolting past them while invisible. If the average knight is meant to actually be competent and scary in this story, it might make sense to make Team Elpis and Anima “work” a little harder to get out of town. For example, perhaps the knights have the foresight to check every wagon and cart headed out of Iria, which then makes things a game of tiptoeing around the knights doing the latest inspection while keeping quiet enough to not attract attention. Some food for thought anyways.

But all-and-all, I thought that this was a fun capstone to the Iria arc, and it’s great to be back in this story @Arukona . I admittedly am a bit unsure if I’ll have the time to come back for more Dual Wills in particular in this event since the next few chapters will… uh… take a little bit to get through with my normal reviewing style, but this certainly won’t be the last review from me you’ll get before Review Blitz is over.

 

[Arukona]

Chapter 34
The Troubled Tír​

The afternoon sun beat down hard as Leonid, Carwyn and Cathbad made their way to the taxi dock on the eastern side of the Istwyth, in the same location where Arian and Elvira had touched down into Breifne for the first time. The air was different from when the young mercenaries had first landed, with a distinct atmosphere of panic and whisperings about the explosion that had rocked Breifne Cathedral drifting through the air.

Cathbad heard a voice or two mention their name as they passed them on the street; a reminder of what lay in the vision they had came around again. They shook it off, trying to keep that grim possibility to the back of their mind.

They came to the taxi dock's entrance, where a Diggersby was beginning to close the gate. He looked up when he saw Cathbad approaching.

"Sorry, Your Grace," he said. "But we're locking down the dock so the perpetrators of that explosion over at the cathedral can't escape!"

"It does not matter. They have already escaped," Cathbad said. "I need to book a taxi for Prince Leonid posthaste. Please reopen the dock."

"For him?" The Diggersby cast a wary glance at Leonid. "You sure you can trust him? Been hearin' wild aul' stuff about the Sel prince in our Breff."

"What you heard in passing matters not." The Absol gave him a hard stare. "We are in trying times, and I need to resolve a matter posthaste, with Prince Leonid being its executor."

"Hmph." The Selenian prince gave a grunt, looking to the side. In spite of his earlier pledge, he still was none too happy about being subject to Cathbad's orders.

"I dunno…We don't exactly give free passes around here," the Diggersby said, scratching the back of his head doubtfully with his long ears. "And the rí didn't give us any notice."

"Please." Cathbad's hard gaze did not waver. "This is most urgent. If I cannot organise this and change Fate, then the peace in our capital may well shatter. I mean it when I say this matter cannot wait."

"What's this matter all about then, eh? You've been talkin' about how urgent it is, but ye haven't said what it–"

"It's none of your business," Leonid cut in. "Back in Iria, mercenaries needed not state their missions to any transport when carrying them out. I see no reason why it would be different here. Now step aside! You are wasting our time!"

Without waiting for an answer, he shoved the partially ajar gate wide open, knocking the Diggersby back. Leonid marched in and gazed at the taxis currently residing in the dock, with Carwyn marching after him.

"Oi!" the rabbit yelled. "I didn't give you entrance to–"

"Hush," Cathbad interjected, standing between Leonid and the Diggersby. "He is right. Your questioning is ultimately wasteful when time is of the essence." An almost threatening edge was entering their voice. "Now then. Who here is fit enough to fly?"

"...O-Over there." The rabbit pointed to an Aerodactyl duo. "They've been resting here for a while. They should be ready for another flight."

"Good. Thank you." Cathbad turned and trotted over to Leonid, who happened to be speaking with the aforementioned Aerodactyl.

"So what do we get fer ferryin' ye about, eh?" one of them was querying, a sceptical tone present in his voice.

"Money, of course," Leonid replied. "The Archdruid shall handle the payment. …I should hope anyway." He gave a nod of acknowledgement to the archdruid as they came up to him and the Aerodactyl.

"Forgive me if I cannot pay you immediately," Cathbad said. "But know that I will do so handsomely if you can take Leonid and Carwyn to Dropstone Caverns."

"That place?" one of the Aerodactyl said, their wings physically drooping at the mention of it. "But that's where them Cered rebels go in and out of!"

"I am aware of that. And I am aware of the risk you will be taking upon bringing them there," Cathbad said. "Hence why I will pay twice the usual fare."

"Twice that, eh? Nah." The other Aerodactyl shook his head. "Ya'd need three times at least!"

"Three times it is, then," Cathbad declared, with a finality that suggested they would not budge further. "Do we have a deal?"

"Ya sure do, kirkie." The Aerodactyl gave a toothy grin. "C'mon, you lot. Get in."

"Very well." And with that, Leonid climbed into the taxi cab, with the six Falinks of Carwyn hopping aboard behind him. Once N had cleared, the prince shut the door behind him.

"Right, off we go, then!" The Aerodactyl pair began to flap their wings, with one of them addressing Cathbad. "You better have that dosh for us when we get back, Your Grace!"

With those parting words, the taxi cab lifted off into the air. Cathbad watched them go, their paws shaking in trepidation.

Do not let me down, Prince Leonid. Do not let your third chance go to waste.

---

The taxi flew eastwards from Breifne, towards an area of Alba that showed some signs of life in its countryside. Tír an Rí, the tír in which Breifne resided, was one of the more fertile areas of Alba that the desert had not yet swallowed up. There was some degree of grassland, and below, Leonid could spot farmers tilling away at their fields in the hope for some produce.

Yet even up here, the Bisharp could see just how horribly dry the land was. There evidently had not been rain for some time, and given today's exceptionally high temperatures, the fields almost looked abandoned with how few Pokémon were tending to them.

At the reminder of the weather, Leonid brought his tattered cloak to his brow. Heavens above, he thought. What hellish heat this is. Rarely have I felt it to this extreme. Surely even Albans cannot tolerate such intensity? What Pokémon could even survive here, apart from the most naturally adept Fire-types?

"Are you well, Your Highness?" C asked.

"I am fine," Leonid panted. "You feel this heat too, surely?"

"You bet," R remarked, sweat visible on his face. "Good gods almighty, this is too much."

"W-Well, we should be in Ceredigion soon," N piped up. "It'll be cooler there."

"And before that, the Dropstone Caverns," Y added. "At least we'll be out of the sun in there."

The mention of the Mystery Dungeon made Leonid grit his teeth and look out of the window, away from Carwyn. Needless to say, some of them were quick to catch on.

"You okay, Your Highness?" W queried.

"...I'd rather not go back there," the Bisharp murmured. "It brings back memories."

Ragged refugees as far as the eye could see.

Infants, children and adults alike crying about those who they had to leave behind, whether living or dead.

And all eyes glaring at him, in the knowledge that he was not one of them.

"It's for your country, Your Highness," C stated, a grave, serious tone slightly deviating from his normal drill sergeant temperament. "The memories are with us, too. Yet…we soldier on in spite of them."

Soldier on. Leonid almost wanted to laugh at the unintentional pun, but held his tongue. Now wasn't the time for jokes. Now was the time to get serious.

The taxi turned briefly as the Aerodactyl headed southeast. And over the mountains…Leonid caught sight of that place.

A dry mountainous landscape, with cracks in the hills gouged out from harsh weathering over the millennia. There was some degree of green covering, but it was few and far between, not too unlike the farmland they had just passed over.
And over those hills…lay a most troubled tír.

Ceredigion…or Ceredigonia. Leonid frowned. Two names, two cultures…both of whom are irreconcilable people.

---

Dropstone Caverns
5F​

Mercifully, as W predicted, the Dropstone Caverns proved to be a balm from the merciless heat attacking Alba. Said heat never left Leonid and Carwyn, even after they landed and bid farewell to the Aerodactyl fliers, who stayed to rest for a while before their journey back to Breifne for that much-promised fare from Cathbad.

Leonid and Carwyn's prospects were not as bright. At the other side of these hills was possibly the most dangerous place in Alba right now. A melting pot of cross-border violence and hatred that had boiled over decades ago.

Depending on the person he asked, he was about to be in Dresilia after exiting this Mystery Dungeon, and therefore be liable for trespassing. Not that this smaller crime mattered - for the Dresilians would no doubt have bigger crimes to charge him with if he was successful on this mission.

But before all that…lay the matter of the Mystery Dungeon. In its wayward, labyrinthine manner, it was twisting, confusing and threw all manner of objects at Leonid and Carwyn, whether ferals or traps.

And for the Selenian prince who was racing against the clock to save his country…this irked him to no end.

"Begone!" yelled Leonid, slashing at a Drifblim that was blocking his way to the stairs. The ghost recoiled but quickly righted itself, blowing a series of purple flames his way. The Bisharp leapt out of the way just in time, the edges of his cloak grazing one of the flames and burning a hole at its ends.

Leonid would've flown into a rage at the damage to his cape, but it had become tattered at the ends anyway over time, ever since he had fled from Iria Castle five years ago in the wake of Mitrofan's coup. That was among the first things he planned to do once becoming tsar again; consign the dirty worn cloak to the trash where it belonged.

That will be so one day, the Bisharp thought, as another Night Slash punctured a hole in the feral Drifblim and the creature fell to the ground, disintegrating into nothing. Leonid huffed, before continuing up the stairs, followed closely behind by Carwyn.

---

Dropstone Caverns
7F​

Not long to go now, Leonid thought. One more floor and they'd be out of here and into Ceredigion proper.

It was mostly a straightforward affair finding the stairs. W, Y and N had made an unlucky step into a spin trap, and their dizziness came at an inopportune time when a pair of Swoobat ferals swooped in to try and pick them off. But Leonid and Carwyn's other three fought hard to keep them off the other afflicted Falinks.

One of the ferals let loose an Air Slash. Leonid reflexively held his arms in an X shape to block, but at the last moment, two of Carwyn - W and R - moved in front and took the attack.

"Excuse me! Stay back!" he ordered. "I'm strong against them - you all aren't! Now stay put and do not break formation!"

"S-Sorry, Your Highness," R and W apologised in unison.

Leonid gritted his teeth as he readied a Night Slash, parrying the other Swoobat's Heart Stamp before slashing the bat twice. It shrieked in pain, but Leonid did not let up, his head shining a metallic grey before he slammed it into the ailing feral. The Iron Head did it in, with the Swoobat crumbling to nothing.

There was still the other Swoobat to contend with, but Leonid was not fazed. He was more irritated than anything. These beasts are wasting my time, he thought. And they've wounded my men, too. He glanced over at Carwyn briefly, who was gotten back into formation - although R and W sported clear cuts from the attack prior.

The Swoobat let loose another Air Cutter. Leonid crossed his arms and took the attack, grunting as it hit him. He stood his ground and ran forward, leaping up and slamming another Iron Head into the Swoobat, knocking it back into the wall. The bat dizzily tried to fly out before crumpling to the ground.

"Hmph." Leonid kicked it aside. "No mercy for feral trash."

"Your Highness!" C called, as Carwyn ran up to him, quick to surround him. "We have found the stairs. It should be over that-a-way." He gestured with his helmet to an exit to their south-east. "We will go and–"

"Before that," Leonid interrupted. "I have something to say to you all."

Carwyn as a unit straightened up. C, A, R and W looked straight into their leader's eyes, while Y and N traded nervous glances before following suit with their troop.

"You are my bodyguards, and I appreciate you all for keeping me safe. But!" Scorn crossed the prince's face. "Do not jump in where you do not belong! I can take a hit or two! I am no mere weakling!"

"Yes, Your Highness," C said, nodding. The rest of the troop looked down in shame.

"Though you are strong, do not forget that I am not the same weakling prince that you found half-dead in Mirionydd. I have become much stronger since then. Even if I did not pass Fachtna's training, I cannot say it did not toughen me...my feelings for that cut-throat cur aside." Leonid clenched one of his bladed hands in memory of that time.

"We understand, Your Highness."

"...I have lost too many people." Leonid's expression then became somewhat wistful. "Do not make yourselves join my family because of some reckless action to protect me. You are not equal to them….but you and Yuliya are all I have. Do you understand?"

"We do, Your Highness."

"Then march forth and scout ahead. …But do not break formation unless I order you to."

"Yes, Your Highness!"

With his lecture over, Leonid followed after Carwyn, who marched towards the stairs they'd scouted out moments before. The conversation, particularly the mention of his family, brought feelings and memories back to him he had hoped not to revisit again.

He looked at the ground, a bitter grimace coming over him.

Svetlana…

---

Six years ago…

A Pawniard walked down the hallway to the throne room, flanked by a number of retainers. He wore a circlet studded with red gemstones, and a black cape with flowing red frills on his back. Due to his short height, it dragged on the floor, and his retainers took care not to step on it.

The prince tried to hold his head high as a gesture of honour. But he didn't have the will to do so, and he instead gazed pensively at the ground.

Prince Leonid Klimentovich Ruslan had not been well. A year after the silver jubilee of his father, all had gone downhill in House Ruslan. The sweet happiness and glorious triumphalism of his father's success was now a distant memory, eclipsed by a great tragedy that had struck Selenia's leading house at its core.

The numb feeling from it hadn't abated for Leonid. The deep shock had cut a wound deep within his chest, and he wasn't sure if it would ever heal.

Even now, thinking about it, he could feel the emotion welling within him, and tears threatened to spill over.

No, Leonid told himself, as he took a shaky breath. I must be strong. For my family. My brother…that is what he would want…

"We are here, Your Highness."

Leonid looked up at the Escavalier before him, the distinguished scarf and painted armour marking him as a high-ranking retainer. Since he was someone who'd been accompanying him loyally since his birth, the prince regarded the knight as one of his most faithful retainers, ready to die for him if need be.

"Thank you, Olgierd," Leonid managed to say, trying to keep his inner emotions at bay.

The doors of the throne room parted, and the prince stepped in, followed by Olgierd and the other retainers. The vast expanse of the throne room, though opulent in its decoration and spic and span as it always was, almost felt like it was missing something. Ever since the tragedy, Leonid felt as though the nobility and grandeur of the throne room had wilted somewhat.

Chiefly due to the absence of a certain individual, one who had celebrated his silver jubilee not even a year before. And yet…the throne lay idle, its red upholstery and obsidian carvings untouched by the man who had sat in it for the last twenty-five years.

Leonid bit his lip at the sight. He knew his father, Tsar Kliment, had been just as affected as him by what had happened in recent times, and had resigned himself to his private quarters in grief, along with his mother, Tsarina Yelizaveta. He didn't blame them one bit; if the prince were in either of their positions, he would no doubt have done the same thing.

But the sight of the vacant throne weaved a web of unease in the prince's gut. After all, if there was no one on the throne…then who would lead the country?

"Welcome, Your Highness."

Leonid snapped his attention back to those next to the throne. Standing to its right was Marshal Trokhym, the Rillaboom nodding in acknowledgement of him. In front of the throne, before the bottommost step before it, stood a pair of Mienshao. One stood taller and looked somewhat aged, with wrinkles beginning to form across his face and his whiskers fraying slightly. The other had a funeral veil partially obscuring her face. She was younger than Gerasim and wore a tiara studded with small white gemstones, not too unlike Leonid's princely circlet. Her expression was wistful behind the veil, and upon seeing it, a sense of understanding sprung in Leonid's heart. He understood all too well the reason for her sadness.

"Well met, Lord Gerasim and Lady Svetlana of Lysagora." Leonid bowed his head in acknowledgement of them.

"I am glad to see you are doing well, Your Highness," Gerasim began. "No doubt the tragic murder of our beloved tsesarevich, His Highness Prince Kasimir, still weighs heavy on your heart. I have nothing but heartfelt sympathy for you, Your Highness, and His Majesty and all of those who were grievously affected by Prince Kasimir's death."

He cast a glance towards Svetlana, whose expression looked to be nearing the point of tears. The princess-to-be breathed in and out slowly, in an attempt to put those fears to the side.

"I thank you for your consideration, Lord Lysagora," Leonid replied. "Now what, pray tell, is your business here?"

"I have come to propose an offer to you, Your Highness," Gerasim said. "I had hoped His Majesty would be here for my audience. Alas…" He gazed at the empty throne out of the corner of his eye. "He appears to be still be in mourning."

"Indeed, he is. He shall emerge when his grief has passed," Olgierd informed.

"Is that so? Hmm." Gerasim stroked his whiskers in consideration. "I offer naught but my wholehearted condolences to His Majesty in this dark time for our nation. Truly, he is a most astute ruler, and I am proud to have served under him for some twenty-one years as of last month. Yet…there is the matter of the tsardom's wellbeing. Though Selenia wallows in mourning and grief, we have no choice but to consider her future without Prince Kasimir."

"Is that so…" Leonid's gaze fell to the throne room's red carpet. He knew this question would have to be addressed at some point. All of his life, he had assumed that Kasimir would become tsar and he would presumably help command the army, become an oblast lord, or perhaps even become an ambassador of goodwill to the East. Such were among the main wonts of non-tsesarevich princes to drift towards in their lives outside of the walls of Iria Castle.

But with Kasimir gone, a new reality had set in. If Selenia's tsesarevich happened to perish before their ascension to the throne, then the throne would be inherited by a younger sibling within House Ruslan. And that would mean…

"I would presume that His Majesty would transfer the inheritance of the throne to you, Your Highness," Gerasim continued. "Has this been confirmed yet?"

"No." Leonid shook his head. "But I expect my father will do so at some point in the near future."

"And when exactly will that be?"

"...I do not know, Lord Lysagora."

"Hmm. Well, in any case, I wish to offer a proposal to you, Your Highness." Gerasim gestured to the Mienshao next to him. "It involves my daughter."

"What is this proposal you speak of?" As the conversation had gone on, Leonid observed the body language of Svetlana. His would've-been-sister-in-law briefly fidgeted at her sleeves and fiddled with a pendant necklace hung around her neck. It spoke of pensiveness and uncertainty - as if she herself had reservations about what was to come.

"The proposal is simple." Gerasim paused impressively. "I would like for Lady Svetlana Gerasimovna Lysagora, my daughter, to become your bride."

Leonid froze upon hearing the proposal, looking up at the older Mienshao with disbelief.

"E-Excuse me? Did I hear you correctly, Lord Gerasim?"

"It is as I have said, Your Highness."

"I…" Leonid considered how to word it politely, before shaking his head and choosing to drive his argument more critically.
"Forgive me for questioning your wisdom, Lord Gerasim, but have you considered the timing of this at all? Need I remind you we are still in a period of mourning? This is hardly the time to be marrying off my brother's widow to another, let alone to another in that same family! And what's more, you are pushing this without the approval of my father!"

"You misunderstand, Your Highness," Gerasim said, holding a paw up as a defensive gesture. "I came to seek the approval of His Majesty for this. Our houses are close, and if we merely switch Svetlana's husband to you, milord, then we would continue to have those ties that we would have had if His Highness Prince Kasimir still drew breath."

"Lord Gerasim…" Leonid took a cursory glance at Svetlana, noticing her pensive, nervous expression, before focusing his gaze on her father. "Have you consulted with Lady Svetlana about this at all?"

"I have, Your Highness." Gerasim put a paw on his daughter's shoulder. "Have I not, Svetlana?"

"...You have, indeed, Father." Svetlana spoke for the first time in this conversation.

"There, you see? She has agreed to this proposal," Gerasim said. "Now we await your approval, Your Highness. Please, I implore that you would accept it; it would be for the good of the country! Especially given how popular Prince Kasimir was, having his widow remain the future tsarina of our nation could carry over some of that popularity."
"That…is true," Leonid conceded.

"We can start making the arrangements now, Your Highness." Gerasim gestured to a servant, who handed him a scroll. "I have outlined a draft of a proposed marriage agreement in writing, largely based on the previous vows of engagement Prince Kasimir and Svetlana had. All we need are the signatures of His Majesty and Your Highness. The sooner your names are marked on this parchment, then the sooner we can–"

"No."

Gerasim's speech was interjected by Leonid, who stared at the lord with a mixture of incredulity and indignance.

"I beg your pardon, Your Highness?" The Mienshao was taken aback by the interruption.

"...How strange," remarked Leonid, crossing his arms. "This is all rather hasty of you, Lord Gerasim. In a time of mourning, and not but a few weeks since my brother's passing, already you try and push this patchwork agreement through, with no input from my father or I, and with most insistent emphasis on attaining our signatures. All in making sure Lady Svetlana, your daughter, can hold onto her prospects of inheriting the second highest office in the land."

He tilted his head. "Is there an agenda I am unaware of, Lord Gerasim? Forgive this insinuation, but this all seems very…dubious, if you catch my meaning."

"D-Dubious?!" The half-jump from Gerasim broke through his composed stance before, and he quickly brushed off his surprise. Svetlana let out a silent gasp, and she glanced down worriedly at Leonid.

"Absolutely not, Your Highness!" Gerasim went on. "We in House Lysagora remain forever loyal to you and our nation! We merely want the best for Selenia, and we clamour for the return to normality! In this most vulnerable time, we must reassert ourselves, and assure the populace we have not been thrust into disarray by the tragedy of our tsesarevich's assassination!"

"Y-Yes," Svetlana added, rather more meekly than her father. "My heart would wish for nothing more than the reversal of Kasimir's death. I wish he was here. I truly do." She breathed in, emotion straining her voice. "B-But…he would not want this sadness. He would want us to be happy and move on. And if this agreement can mend this sorrow that tears me apart…then I will accept it."

"...Lady Svetlana…" Leonid bit his lip. Aside from his family, Svetlana had the most reason out of anyone in Selenia to be sorrowful over Kasimir's death, being not too far off their marriage date. And now the love of her life was six feet under, with his flowering ambition dead along with him.

He felt for her. But a cursory look at Lord Gerasim - surprisingly less sympathetic than he would have thought - reminded him of the previous argument, and he took that into account when considering his next words.

"...I understand your feelings, Lady Svetlana," Leonid began. "Kasimir's death is the greatest tragedy I have experienced in my lifetime, and no doubt it is the same for you. Know that I empathise with you wholeheartedly. I truly do.

"However…" He then turned to Gerasim. "I cannot accept this agreement as it is. It flies in the face of due process, and even this period of mourning cannot allow for the suspension of arrangements such as this. I will not rule out the option of marrying Svetlana….but there will be no shortcuts in this. You will negotiate with my father on forging a brand new marriage agreement and putting it in writing. Is that understood, Lord Gerasim?"

"...Crystal clear, Your Highness," the elder Mienshao sighed in reluctant acceptance.

"Now then. I shall return to my chambers at once." Leonid flicked his cape and began to walk away. Olgierd and the other retainers, having stood to the side during the conversation with Gerasim and Svetlana, returned to their original formation as they marched the prince out of the throne room.

Before he left, Leonid couldn't help but turn his head, and out of the corner of his eye, caught sight of Gerasim conversing with Trokhym. It was only a brief glimpse before the throne room door was closed by the castle guards.

But the conversation in there had given Leonid plenty to think about. In particular, Gerasim's attitude stuck in his mind, and he frowned as he mulled over his thoughts.

---

A lot had happened between then and now. But Leonid still remembered that conversation six years later, and Gerasim's haste stuck in his mind.

He didn't know where Gerasim was now; he'd forgotten to ask Yuliya about that. But a thought came to him as he remembered that conversation again.

It would appear I have my work cut out for me when I ascend to the throne. Such power is the envy of anyone, and Gerasim is far from the only one who would crave it for themselves.

But I cannot quash those problems now. Leonid shook his head. There are far more pressing issues at hand.

He saw the light at the edge of the cave, and Carwyn advanced before him to make sure that there was no ambush in place at the cave's mouth. Leonid followed after his bodyguard, eyes darting around to make sure of that for himself.

He huffed, moving his arm up to shield his face as the sunlight hit him.

I would rather not return here to this hellhole of violence and oppression. But it is not as if I have a choice in the matter.

His mind flashed back to his time there, and he gritted his teeth.

Team Elpis, you had better not be in the thick of that mess plaguing Ceredigion…

---

Arian couldn't describe the odd feeling he felt when he began to arise from consciousness. His head was spinning, and his eyes felt unfocused. He also felt quite tired, and was tempted to fall back into slumber once again.

But the fact that he had even been asleep in the first place made him get up with a start. It was then that he suddenly felt a sharp headache throb at his forehead.

"Urgh…" The Riolu held his paw to his head in an attempt to nurse the pain, but it did no good. Breathing in and out to distract himself from it, his vision eventually focused and he could see clearly again.

Once he saw what was in front of him, though, he blinked in shock.

A set of iron bars, and a blank wall.

If he was still human, Arian would've blanched. He knew full well what this was.

"Wh-What? Why am I in prison? How did I even…?" Quickly he racked his brains, trying to recall what happened before he fell unconscious.

"Oh heeeeeeyyy! You're awake!"

A shrill voice echoed through the gaol, one that made Arian's headache throb even more. He barely registered the entrance of an azure serpent slithering to the front of his cell, on the other side of the bars.

"Hiiii, Arian!" Sabrina waved her tail in greeting. "Finally, you woke up! You must be a big sleepyhead back in Selenia, hee hee!"

"S-Sabrina?" Arian mumbled, still in a daze. "What are you doing here?"

Wait. Sabrina?

Then his memory came back to him. The explosion back at Breifne Cathedral, the way Sabrina dragged him through it, and that heart she flung his way that made his vision swim…

"Come with me, Arian~" Her sickly sweet voice still rang in his head. That was the last thing he remembered before waking up here.

"Oh, I have business here," the Dragonair replied. "My daddy's the praetor here in Ceredigonia! I didn't mention that before, did I?"

"C-Ceredigonia…?" An icy feeling came into Arian's chest, and with it, a realisation that made his expression darken. "You never worked for the Rí's Guild, did you?"

"...Aw, was it that easy to spot?" Sabrina pouted. "If only you were as blockheaded as Yannie. He's so handsome, but goodness, he can be gullible sometimes!"

"You were a mole!" Arian shouted, pointing his paw at her in fury.

"No, silly, I'm a dragon. Always have been!" Sabrina tittered. "Aw, you're so cute when you're angry."

"Don't call me cute!" the Riolu yelled, balling his other fist in anger.

"But you are! Makes me wish I could keep you to myself, you know?" The Dragonair's expression turned somewhat mopey. "But alas…there are plans in place for you by higher powers, and I'm just a messenger for them."

"What are you a messenger of?" Arian demanded. "What are you planning for me?"

"Oh, I'd love to tell you. I really would…" Sabrina kept up the pleading façade. "But I'm so sorry, I can't. Maybe when Daddy stops by, he'll tell you everything."

"Damn it!" Arian punched the ground in annoyance. "I knew you were suspicious! Enfys was onto something with you!"

"Oh, you listened to her?!" In an instant, Sabrina's expression twisted to disgust. "It doesn't matter. She won't save you now. Not Yannie, not the rí… not even your partner."

"Elvira!" Arian suddenly realised. "Where is she? Did you take her away too?!"

"Oh no, that wasn't me," Sabrina denied, coiling herself defensively. "She's…somewhere. It doesn't matter anyway; if all goes well, you won't be seeing her again."

"No…no!" Arian got up and tried to run for the cell bars. But he didn't make it far before he suddenly was pulled down. The clinking of metal rang in his ears, and when he looked at his legs, he was horrified to see two large metal shackles bindingthem.

"Teehee!" Sabrina giggled. "I could watch you all day, Arian. But I have business to attend to. Hope you have fun in here without me~"

"Grrragh! You won't get away with this!" Arian yelled, as Sabrina began to slither away.

"Oh, Arian, you silly-billy," Sabrina teased. "We have you now. All we just have to do is wait for Dominian to arrive. And then it's off to him."

With that, she slithered away, leaving Arian alone in his cell. Once she had left, the Riolu lay there, in the same position where the shackles had dragged him down. He made no effort to get back up, for he didn't have the strength to do so.

Being behind bars and learning that there were plans for him…it was ominous. The Riolu began to feel fear creep deep into his mind. Whatever was being plotted for him behind the scenes, it certainly wasn't anything good.

If Elvira were here, no doubt he'd have at least some confidence. But with her whereabouts unknown, he felt alone - more alone than he'd ever felt in his time in Ardalion.

One word came to Arian's mind, and he said it with a pained sigh.

"Fuck."

---

"Nngh…"

Elvira's eyes fluttered open. The first thing she was aware of was a collective hullabaloo, as though she was in the middle of a crowd. Although she could hear all sorts of noise behind that, the sound of metal rang particularly loud.

One particularly loud clang made her jump in fright, and with that, she was fully awake.

"Oh, look! She's finally awake."

"Huh?!" Now that Elvira's focus was back to her, she looked to see where the voice was coming from…

….Only to be distracted by the metal bars in front of her.

"Wh-What?" A conflation of confusion and fear began to form inside heras she realised the connotations of her being behind bars. "Am I in prison? Wh-Why am I–?"

She broke off to look around her - only to immediately find two tall figures gazing at her from the back of the cell. One was a Delphox whose dress fur functioned rather more like a skirt, with her black legs exposed up to her knees. The other had an odd and rather dishevelled appearance - they looked like a Zoroark, except their fur was bleached white with patches of red. There was also no playfulness in this inmate's eyes, with a cold, observant gaze that sent a chill down Elvira's spine.

There was a telling detail on both of them that made Elvira gulp. Around their ankles, a sturdy shackle bound them to the wall.

"Your accent…" the Zoroark noted. "You're not like the other rebels."

"Are you Selenian?" the Delphox queried.

"U-Um, y-yes." A chord of fear rang in Elvira's voice, the Treecko discomforted with the immediate interrogation by the fox.

"How'd a Selenian like you get all the way up here in Ceredigonia?" the Delphox asked. "Your homeland's way over in-"

"Oi!" yelled another prisoner from the cell across from them - a Shelgon. "It's Ceredigion, you stupid bitch!"

"Shut up yourself!" fired back the Delphox. "I'm not a part of your damn crusade!"

"Crusade?" Elvira tilted her head.

"Oh, you know. Rebelling against the Dressies because they're occupying the tír," Delphox informed. "Another day in Ceredigonia, pretty much."

"Ceredigonia…" Then it hit Elvira; that same region that Enfys and Yannick mentioned as being ridden with danger. And she'd seen it herself on the maps she studied up on; Ceredigonia was always marked differently, depending on the kind of atlas she read. Some claimed it to be in Dresilia; others said it was Alba; others had it marked as 'occupied territory'. "Oh no…Not here! I-I don't want to be here! I should be in Breifne, not here!"

"Breifne?" The Delphox cocked her head in confusion. "The Alban capital? I'm getting confused as hell here."

"Let's take it from the top," the Zoroark proposed. "Start with introductions, at least, before explaining everything to each other."

"Well, not 'everything'," the Delphox refuted.

"But names should be a good place to start." The Zoroark then looked down on the Treecko, who tried not to shrink under his gaze. "You, Treecko. Your name."

"E-Elvira."

"I'm Tanith," the Delphox said.

"...Osiris," the Zoroark stated plainly. "Now then–"

But before he could continue, loud shrill cries echoed from down the corridor.

"No! Stop! I'm too young to die! I'm innocent, I swear!"

"You'll pay for this, you Dressie bastards!"

There was a tense silence, before a pair of Drapion and Pangoro guards passed by with a yelling Machop duo. Both were chained and distraught, and both looked to be around the same age as Elvira.

"Wh-Where are they being taken to?" Elvira asked worriedly.

"The gallows," Tanith replied, without missing a beat.

"Th-" Elvira froze in horror. "The gallows? Y-You can't mean-!"

"It is what she says," Osiris said. "They are going to be executed."

"N-No…!" Elvira's hands went to her face in horror. "They're too young! This is unbelievable cruelty!"

"Try telling Cunobelinus that," Tanith growled. "But nope! Every person in this prison's earmarked for execution. And then he wonders why rebels keep cropping up like weeds."

"E-Every person…?" Elvira couldn't believe what she was hearing. But the expression on Tanith and Osiris's faces spoke of their sincerity.

"I'm afraid it's true," Osiris said. "Any day it could be us. At this point, it's best to say your last rites because those in power won't even give you that much."

"I-It can't be…" Elvira began to tremble in fear. On its own, it sounded like simple fear-mongering, but the fact this was coming from two prisoners who spoke with the utmost sincerity about it made her believe that the jaws of death weren't far from gobbling her up. While she didn't have Arian's perception, she didn't feel that Tanith and Osiris were exaggerating in the slightest.

The thought of her partner reminded her; where was he? Was he also in this prison? What happened to the Riolu while she was being abducted? Was he also kidnapped? Or was he still in Alba, blissfully unaware that she was now facing a very real possibility of death?

Whatever it was, it was only occurring to her now that it had been a while since they weren't together. And with Arian separated from her…Elvira began to feel a horrible loneliness without him.

She looked away from Osiris and Tanith, trying to hide the tear that was dribbling down her cheek. A collective tumult of panic, isolation and fear was building within the Treecko, and she began to hyperventilate. If she wasn't out of her element back in Alba, she was well and truly out of it now.

Please, I don't want to die….I need to find a way out of here. I have to.

 

[Ambyssin]

Do not let me down, Prince Leonid. Do not let your third chance go to waste.

I mean, the fic's over he fails, but I so badly want to "Narrator: He will let Cathbad down. His third chance will go to waste."

What Pokémon could even survive here, apart from the most naturally adept Fire-types?

[Groudon breakdances to Darude Sandstorm in the background.]

lay a most troubled tír

both of whom are irreconcilable people

Man, didn't we just finish a conflict involving irreconcilable people? 🤔

consign the dirty worn cloak to the trash where it belonged.

#Priorities. As opposed to, y'know, taking steps to restore his country and rid it of corruption and whatnot.

The deep shock had cut a wound deep within his chest

That's a bit too much deep for one sentence.

the odd feeling he felt

And this is a bit too much feeling. XP

"Hiiii, Arian!" Sabrina waved her tail in greeting. "Finally, you woke up!

My daddy's the praetor here in Ceredigonia

Well my Xenoblade OST on iTunes has the word "praetor" in a track and it is a very bad track so clearly that means this guy's evil.

"Fuck."

WATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE, ARIAN.

The other had an odd and rather dishevelled appearance - they looked like a Zoroark, except their fur was bleached white with patches of red.

Suddenly Hisuiark!

the Delphox queried

Queried is a terrible speech verb. I'm not even sure it truly qualifies as one. Nothing wrong with "asked" or "wondered." Don't get too fancy.

"It is what she says," Osiris said. "They are going to be executed."

100% Vegna-approved gaol.

A fairly transitional chapter, half to get Leonid toward his destination and half to show what's become of our heroes. Given that this appears to be setting initial stages I... get the sense we're going to be spending a solid chunk of chapters here. Wonder if you're planning for a two-faced scenario where Leonid is coming it from the outside while Elvira manages to... somehow start something from the inside to spur a prison break. Alternatively, Arian is going to get experimented on and this will be when his Sublime Creator Sword activatesaura fully awakens, leading to some sort of destructive scenario that then allows for a prison break. Or maybe I'm huffing the copium that Osiris is good(ish) and will get to stick around. (Totally not biased.)

I'm somewhat ambivalent over the flashback scene because, unless I'm misremembering, Leonid previously implied he did end up betrothed to Svetlana before the coup. If he was that ambivalent about it, something must've happened to change his mind. Perhaps that's intentionally excluded because you don't want to give us the big picture. But having Leonid second guess it now of all times feels a bit unusual, IMO.

 

[SparklingEspeon]

Hello! I’m here as part of our review exchange, this time focusing on chapters 1 – 4. I’ve seen Dual Wills floating around for a while now, and perhaps even read the first chapter once or twice, but I’ve never properly gotten into it. So I figure, now’s as good a time as any! I don’t know much about it, aside from the main characters’ species and that there’s an aggron, so I’ll be going into it blind for the most part.

I thought the opening was done well. It’s a bit textbook, but textbook isn’t always a bad thing. I really appreciate that for the most part, you skipped past all the normal ‘WHAT I’m a Pokemon?!!?’ stuff and jumped right into getting the main team together. In just four chapters, you’ve gotten the team together and sent them on their first mission, which, tbh, most fics haven’t done by their first ten. So kudos on that! It really does feel like a strong beginning, and despite the characters not even having set out on their journey, I can see their motivations, wants, and needs clearly. I guess what I’m saying is that these four chapters made me want to read on beyond what I already had, which is a sign of a really well-told story, and you should be proud of yourself!

I think the overall setup is interesting so far. I figured maybe you’d be taking some inspiration from Ireland given the names, though the current state of things by the time Arian is dropped in gives me kind of ‘rural russia’ vibes. I think it’s an interesting take to have a fic where, rather than joining a guild, the guild was destroyed years ago and the main team is basically free-lancing instead. It makes me curious to see more of the wider sphere here – is there some kind of criminals’ guild that hands out rewards instead? Are they going to be working for the mafia? And what does the wider regime look like? Is it an oppressive state, or did things just go sideways five years ago and not recover? It does look like there are multiple kingdoms at play here, at least, some of them doing better and some worse (the deserts, presumably). Not sure how many of them we’ll see.

For character work, I like the characters so far, though obviously at the start of the story—and this being a story where the main character has amnesia—there isn’t as much to go on as in later parts. I think it was clever to shift most of the character work onto Elvira for the time being, since her father’s death and the need to prove herself is carrying the fic for the time being. Arian is pretty much a blank slate hero for the time being, though he’s showing some promise and initiative by dashing off into mystery dungeons to save others already. I think he compliments Elvira a lot, who has the knowledge needed but not the initiative to take it, whereas Arian knows nothing for now, but will still leap into danger if it means getting others out of it. Zenobia is playing the part of a side character for now, but the readiness with which she accepts Arian and the fact that she was apparently married to a famous guild member makes me wonder if maybe she’s a bit more knowledgeable than she lets on. She is strangely causal about accepting in a stranger with a crazy backstory, after all, and seems to almost be pushing them towards making a team… almost like she knows what Arian’s arrival means?

I will say that chapter two had… a lot of information swirling about? It’s a lot of straight-up, textbook style exposition about names and famous people and kingdoms, and to be honest, I ended up skimming the vast majority of it. I’m guessing that the relevant pieces of that information will be coming back in the context of the story when we need it? I guess this is probably my most glaring negative, but it’s mostly because getting blindsided with massive spiels of text like that is kind of like hitting a brick wall while reading. I didn’t absorb much of it at all and mostly just resigned myself to gleaning it from the story later. Which, I guess, begs the question of if all that info is necessary in the first place, or if there’s a more elegant way to convey it.

In terms of negatives so far, the only other thing I’d point to is that there were a lot of times when I felt like rather than being conveyed naturally, Zenobia would tell Arian about what Elvira is feeling, rather than us picking that up from her actions/words. On one hand, it’s a way to get the information out, because Elvira is closed-off and surly. But on the other, I do wonder a bit why Zenobia is so trusting of Arian off-the-bat, who is basically a complete stranger in a land that I gather is rather hostile. Maybe she knows more about him than she’s letting on?

It's really just the beginning, so I can’t say for sure what the future chapters will hold. I’m guessing, though, that beating up two members of basically the mafia is going to bring swift consequences, and probably jettison Elvira and Arian out of home quicker than they were expecting. I’m guessing from there they’ll go and join up with the guild proper, or whatever replaced it, or alternatively, go and beat the shit out of the Thorned Roses first?

Overall, a nice start so far! As I said, you’ve crafted a really good beginning that made me want to read more, and at the end of the day that’s the most important bit. I’m excited to see where you go from here – it seems like there’s a vast world set up out there, but it’s still relatively a mystery as to what lies within it. I’m not yet sure whether this will be a one-piece type story, where kingdoms and places are crossed in largely episodic pieces, or something more centralized like AHFA where the guild sends the main characters to faraway places. Or maybe we won’t see those places at all! But for now, you have a strong start – here’s to hoping the rest will hold up!

~SparklingEspeon

 

[Kiba Makuro]

Hey there Arukona, it’s Kiba Makkuro here for my first review of Dual Wills, just in time for the Diner Review Event! I started reading this fic only a few months ago, and it’s always struck me as odd I’ve never got you for various little review trade pairing despite us doing so many at the same time.You’ve reviewed a bit of my stories before too, and Dual Wills does have so much that excites me so I decided to dig in.

Now as much as I’d like to do a cumulative review, I don’t have the energy for that right now, so I will try to give Chapter 14 Allusions and Anima my best first shot.

I also don’t want to harp too much on topics other folks mention in other reviews so let’s start.

Spoiler: Actual Review

After a fun sparring session with Team Mindfist the days go on. We start this chapter with Arian reading a history book, and talking about its contents with Elvira. Knowing that this story is influenced by numerous countries' real pasts in real life, alongside tons of political character drama it’s understandable that you’d continue to dripfeed, and then pour in more lore. However, like others have mentioned this section does read as a dump, and there’s more for us to taste just a bit later in the chapter.

This isn’t to say that Arian and Elvira’s dynamics aren’t charming. Inspired by the history of Team Hope, they aim to make Team Elpis into a shining beacon in their own light. Even if that means they’ll have to contend with Selenia and Miletos, along with every other country of Ardalion in their path, a campaign of justice in its infancy.

If there’s one major issue I’d like to bring up is that you bleed ellipses into practically every single paragraph. I can tell it’s probably a hold over for, pausing, or collecting thoughts, but this works better in a medium such as a visual novel or dialogue heavy JRPG.

Back to the harrowing fate of Melchior, Kallias, and Mitrofan, what could cause the former Guildmaster of the Irian Guild to go tyrant? Why must we make our Treecko-line characters suffer, either by circumstance or family?

Sifis was a Galvantula, yes, do please remember that when your cast gets big it’s nice to get a Pokemon species reminder for minor ones, even if their scenes are brief. Along with more mentions of non-human parts of their bodies, ears, tails, claws, etc.Yes it can possibly take the reader out of a scene but if done right helps re-establish the differences this world has compared to our own. This is a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon fic yes?

And now we get to settle down with Team Anima as the four look over the request board. Serafina and Natalie along with Arian and Elvira have found requests that take them to Lapis Grotto, and thus conveniently get to go on a joint-request and they even decide to split the funds! A rather roundabout couple of exchanges to get there however.

Serafina’s backstory, while gripping, does feel rather forced. I don’t know if we needed her entire life at this moment, maybe a quarter or half of what’s in the chapter should stay in. This leads into another unfortunate part of Dual Wills in my opinion, while readable yes, these chapters are often marred with extraneous details that I have to skim over to parse the meat of the chapter, segment by segment. Now I’m not one to go line by line and nitpick, however valid my suggestions could be, so I will focus on something more general to mention. Perhaps for the sake of grandiose, a few of your characters actions are partially written in past tense, and present tense. Now technically you can play around with tenses to highlight the impact or type of action, but it often makes the sentence end on a passive note. Same as with “tried to x”, this weakens an idea.

Skipping over what could be considered unnecessary combat in a Mystery Dungeon, but allowing the fun of unique items was a nice choice. It would have been nice to see Team Anima
I’ve rarely seen fics show an Oren Berry, but for shame on the idea of wasting a Rollcall Orb instead of doing the pro strategy of “wait there” and grabbing your other teammates/j.

Now I am majorly disappointed that you show an optimal challenge for four, a fight with ferals. You lightly mention the tension but it flies away completely because you don’t let any of them take a single blow. I know it’s more fun to have wild anime-esque battles where both sides argue about their ideals while launching attacks like in Ozerogard with the Thorned Roses. However at least one fight would show off Team Anima’s battle capabilities instead of just telling us them. Earlier in Lapis Grotto, you mention their friendship, but without seeing them do anything remotely helpful beside talking I can’t exactly believe this. Same goes for Arian’s dodging ability and Force Palm, not daring to at least show one or two attempts.

I suppose the last chapter did have the sparring with Team Mindfist, and even adding a small fight would ruin the chapter balance, though it is taken up by things I believe may be superfluous.

I wonder if Arian and Elvira should really tell Candice about the Irian Guild, but it doesn’t matter. She seemed to figure out the plot for herself, all based on so-called rumors. Thankfully it’s not like everyone’s being questioned about their return just yet .Though that’s bound to change eventually, with the stakes rising higher and higher in these later chapters you’ve got waiting for us.

One area that slowed down my reading experience is what I’d call a fondness for passive voice, actions just so happening, characters only noticing things, and other occurrences that you wanted to mention. It's not like there is no story without them, but I felt that particularly interrupted what could have been solid action scenes, fight or not.

Chance seems to shine bright on Team Elpis, and Team Anima as both of their request clients know of each other so they can go to Iria, which seems to be the namesake of the Guild to safely deliver Candice and the Amplifying Crystals to the clients. Though just like Mitrofan, times have changed in the last few years, what is it with five?

All in all I really enjoyed this chapter, and each of the previous ones of Dual Wills, even if I had quite a few constructive criticisms and comments. The spectacular world we get introduced to only in the first few chapters, the consequence of the past and forces of political power are masterfully felt. I also see or rather heard about those nods to Fire Emblem, Xenoblade Chronicles, and Ace Attorney in there, though the last one I’m the least familiar with. More references are always a plus. Character studies are what I believe to be the strongest element, establishing and introducing culture not often seen in modern media, especially pmd fanfic. And these chapters are your early work, I'm excited to catch up and see how things are like in your current chapters, more than a few snippets I've seen scattered about. Keep up the phenomenal work!

 

[Arukona]

Chapter 35
Wills in Chains​

Elvira's night of sleep in the prison was a restless one. She was already awake since her induced rest from the knockout, and the noisiness of some of the prisoners did not help. Worse still, she had discovered that Osiris snored in his sleep, and that did not help in the least. Countless minutes of that night were spent staring at the drab stone ceiling, wondering how in the world she got into this mess and how she was going to get out of it.

The first puzzle to solve was that she didn't know the prison's layout at all, and thus any exit plan she'd try to concoct would no doubt end in failure. Maybe she could ask her fellow prisoners if they knew anything when the next morning dawned.

…Which felt like forever until it finally happened, by which time Elvira had also finally succumbed to sleep on the cold rocky floor. The clanging of metal and distant shouting from the guards was what roused her from her slumber.

"Unh…" The Treecko sleepily rose, letting out a yawn as she tried to get up.

"Wakey-wakey, kiddo," Osiris said as he leapt out his bed – it was nothing more than planks suspended from chains in the wall – and onto his feet. Elvira noticed he was slightly hunched in his stance. "And you too, Tan."

"Damn wake-up calls…" grumbled Tanith, as she rolled out of her bed and landed unceremoniously on the stone floor. Her fur was a mess, particularly around her head, which made Elvira blink. Arian's bedhead could be pretty messy at times, but nothing compared to this.

"Up and at 'em, slackers!" yelled a drill sergeant-esque voice that made Elvira jump. In marched a number of guards, who began to file themselves towards each of the cells. "Better be awake, 'cause if you're not you're being sent straight to the Kleavor!"

"Yeah, yeah, we get it," Tanith murmured grumpily, wiping sleep from her eye and trying to smooth out her fur.

"Straight to the Kleavor?" Elvira looked up worriedly at her two fellow prisoners. "D-Does that mean…?"

"Probably hot air," Osiris huffed. "But you can never be sure in a place like this."

"I-I see…"

The guards came around to the trio's cell, opening it and immediately brandishing handcuffs, which they proceeded to slap on Elvira, Osiris, and Tanith. Elvira, having not experienced this before, yelped as the cuffs were tightened around her.

"Ow! Too tight!" she cried.

"Shut up!" The Makuhita clicking them on dealt a blow to her, knocking the Treecko to ground and eliciting a cry of pain from her. "Now come on! Move!"

"Tch." Tanith scowled under her breath. "Asshat."

They were marched through the hallways of the prison, with Elvira unable to nurse the blow efficiently thanks to how her hands were chained. She looked around her, trying to see if there might be an avenue of escape, but with the layout of the prison still an open question, she was left wanting.

The throng of prisoners was eventually marshalled to the prison courtyard, where the sun was still rising in the sky and therefore the heat wasn't quite as unbearable as it was over in Alba. It was a slight relief to not have to deal with the blazing temperatures, but at the same time, it was still a far cry from Selenia's temperate climate.

The prisoners were marched up in rows, and it was then that Elvira saw just how many there were. It had to number somewhere in the hundreds, and that was a shock to her. Just how big is this prison? She looked up at the complex, which for the first time she was able to see from a better angle. It certainly wasn't a small prison; whether it was like one of those island prisons off the coast of Selenia that she'd heard about, she did not know.

At least we're not in one of those. An escape would be much harder if we were offshore.

"Straighten up, prisoners!" yelled an Exploud, who, judging by the sash and headpiece, looked to be the prison's warden. "The praetor himself is here to see you all! Show respect, maggots!"

His drill sergeant tendencies put her in the mind of C from Carwyn. Elvira hadn't cared too much for the Falink, but he was infinitely preferable to this old yeller.

At that moment, a Druddigon appeared from one of the entrances. Dressed in a red toga, red armour and wearing an olive crown, he marched with a haughty gait, as if to suggest he was above all of the prisoners in here, and was flanked by red-scarved and chainmail-armoured guards. An instant, collective silent fury came over the prisoners, and Elvira saw just about every prisoner shoot a glare at the Druddigon. If looks could kill, he would be suffering death a hundredfold.

"There he is. Praetor Lugus Caeruleus Cunobelinus," growled Tanith. "The crook who's behind all this." She gestured to the rows of prisoners with her head.

"How horrible…" Elvira could only shake her head in despondence. Why must it be like this? Can leaders not find it in their hearts to show even some level of care for their smallfolk?

"It always amazes me when I gaze among you rebel scum and see you for the filth you truly are," the Druddigon remarked, as he began to walk down along two rows of prisoners. The glares from them did not abate one bit, and only intensified at his remarks. "I never knew there could be such a collection of rapscallious, unkempt tatterdemalions dwelling in my domain. I would have thought the praetors of times past would have quashed the sores of Alban blood out of Ceredigonia, but it appears they have slacked on this matter. ….And even I have been too lenient, by the looks of it." He let out a long sigh. "We need to speed up the cleansing of this scum from my realm. And we can start by picking out prisoners to send to the executioners this morning."

He casually, yet precisely waved his hand upwards, as if giving a command.

"I demand no less than ten to be consigned to the grave! May their blood salt this soil!"

"Yes, milord!" the prison guards yelled, saluting to him.

Several prisoners were picked out of the cohort one by one, often accompanied by yelling and struggling. Others said nothing, perhaps in silent acceptance of their fate. Elvira clasped her hands and silently prayed she wouldn't be picked.

After a short period, the singling out of prisoners ceased. Elvira breathed a sigh of relief, as did many others who would live to see another day.

"The rest of you will suffer the same fate as them. Mark my words," Cunobelinus swore, with a glare that shot fear into some prisoners' eyes. Others remained steadfast and unflinching. "And any day now, I will have the head of your leader."

"Ye won't catch 'im!" shouted a Hitmontop. "Fachtna will come back and tear yer arse a new one!"

"Ha!" Cunobelinus snorted. "Too bad he won't rescue you from your imminent demise. In fact, why not speed up that very process, hmmm?"

He gestured the prisoner to one of the prison guards - a Heracross.

"Take his head."

"Yes, milord!" the guard obliged, before accosting the disorderly prisoner. "Come on, you! Eyes forward!"

"Grr, you'll never kill our spirit!" The Hitmontop struggled against the guard's grip. "Long live Clan ap Yorath!"

"Clan ap Yorath!" A sudden cheer went up over the rows of prisoners.

"Silence!" Cunobelinus yelled. "Know your place! I will not have Alba's backward savagery infecting my people! That clan is dead and will stay dead! No amount of rally cries will ever resuscitate its dead corpse!"

The Druddigon, with his triumphant air now replaced by one of loathing, stomped away in a huff, his guards following after him. As he went, he happened to lock eyes with a certain Treecko.

Elvira shrinked back under his gaze. H-He's not looking at me, is he?

Cunobelinus stopped.

…Oh no. He is.

She fidgeted, hoping he would turn his attention to someone else. She was tempted to ask, but in fear of the wrath that could be exercised upon her for talking, she chose to stay silent.

"...You have potential to be trouble," murmured the Druddigon. "Best you be taken out of the picture sooner than later. You're no rebel to me…but you're a threat. And I cannot have that in my realm."

Without another word, the praetor turned and left. Elvira gulped at his words, while a few prisoners who had overheard the conversation stared at her in confusion, with murmurs taking place among some of them.

Elvira bit her lip. Just when she thought her nervousness had reached its nadir, it somehow had gone lower.

---

After the execution nominations had taken place, the prisoners were marched to breakfast. The canteen was crowded enough that there weren't enough seats for everyone, so the Delphox, Elvira and Osiris made do with sitting on the floor instead.

There seemed to be all kinds of prisoners locked up in here, of all different shapes, sizes, and temperaments.

A shiny Jangmo-o with chipped scales fought restlessly against his binds, but to no avail. Near to him was a Sneasler with a red scarf, though judging by him sitting on his own, he was clearly more of a lone wolf. And among the seated crowds was a brown Marowak, different from how Nikita looked, who was picking at his food in a clearly despondent manner. He looked horribly lonely; maybe he had been in a gang at some point, and had been separated from them?

The Treecko shook her head. It would only be a distraction to figure out these prisoners' life stories. She needed to focus on herself, and how to get herself out of this seemingly impenetrable prison.

But before she could ruminate on that, Tanith spoke up.

"I knew there was something interesting about you," the Delphox remarked.

"Who, me?" Elvira asked, while simultaneously trying not to gag at the prison food given to her. A cold gruel with suspicious lumps located through it that tasted like partially rotten raisins - a far cry from the well-brewed porridge that was her go-to breakfast at home. She quickly swallowed it, trying to let the tasteless, textureless slop be a thing of the past. Even the grimy food sometimes found in Dungeons beat this out any day of the week.

"No, I mean King Berglas." Tanith rolled her eyes. "Yes, of course I meant you!"

"I…" Elvira put her spoon down. She could feel both Osiris's and Tanith's gazes peering at her, and still not being overly familiar with either of them, to say she found herself discomforted by their presence would be accurate. "I'm not that special. I'm just a mercenary from Selenia. Sure, my dad might've been the famous Fernblade Kallias, but I'm not him. I'm nowhere near as great as he was back when he was still around."

A pang hit her at the reminder of her father's unknown whereabouts. She swallowed those feelings and continued.

"But I don't know why I'm here!" The sombreness of that reminder carried over into the next part of her reply. "I've never taken part in rebellion here, and I've never been to Ceredigonia in my life! I was meant to be in Alba with my partner, trying to ally with our Prince Leonid so we could take down Mitrofan together. But that went wrong, and…not long after that, I woke up here. Locked up for seemingly no reason at all…"

Her lip began to tremble.

"I want to go home. I miss Selenia."

A tear fell to the ground. Immediately Elvira found herself wishing she didn't break down to tears so easily. Yet…she couldn't deny the increasing feelings of homesickness that had sprouted recently and were now in full bloom, especially with this uncertainty about her supposedly being consigned to certain death in this prison.

She then felt a reassuring pat on her back. The big claws on the paw indicated it to be Osiris's.

"Seems like your situation isn't too different from ours," the Zoroark said.

"Just like you - locked up in here for no reason at all," Tanith piped up. "We've nothing to do with this rebellion either. We're just travellers passing through. But no, because we looked the mildest bit foreign, they claimed we were suspicious and jailed us. Not even a trial!" She threw her hands into the air. "Gods above, how corrupt can you get?!"

"Cunobelinus doesn't give the slightest shit about the specifics," growled Osiris. "He'll arrest anyone if they look even the slightest bit Alban. And then he wonders why resistance keeps piling up."

"Even the Dressie bloods don't like it," Tanith went on. "They just want peace. Don't we all? But that shithead up top's stirring the pot, and that's not making anyone happy."

"I wonder if…" A thought came to Elvira. It was Tanith's mention of 'stirring the pot' that made her wonder. "I wonder if all those prisoners who get executed…What actually happens there?"

"They get their heads chopped off. Or hung," the Delphox said. "Sometimes publicly. There's folks in the crowd who love it, and the whole town of Merionethensis comes out to see the display. …Funny how the Emperors claimed such barbarism was behind them, yet they ignore what's going on up here, in land that's technically under their jurisdiction." She breathed an annoyed sigh, small embers lashing from her lips.

"If you're wondering if the executed might still be alive, then I'm sorry to say that's a foolish hope." Osiris shook his head. "Cunobelinus has no use for them. He doesn't see anyone in here as fit to be conformed to the Dresilian way - which is what someone in his position should be doing. Instead, he finds it better to cleanse the whole lot of them. 'Purging the scum from this land', he calls it."

"That's terrible!" Elvira cried. "Even Mitrofan was never as cruel as this…"

"...Oh yeah. That tyrant of yours." An icy look had suddenly crossed Tanith's muzzle. Osiris had a similar look, and Elvira felt the mood around her turn tense.

"Is something the matter?" she asked, curious as to the sudden turn in the conversation. "Do you…know Mitrofan?"

There was silence from both of them. Tanith seemed to be looking off into the middle distance.

"...It's nothing you need concern yourself with." Osiris's eventual words sounded almost muted. Almost like he didn't want to say any more on the matter.

"...Alright," Elvira said, though she was admittedly curious as to what their sudden reluctance could mean. However, they'd been nice to her thus far, and she didn't want to upset them by prying into matters that weren't her own.

Though on the other hand, she didn't really know anything about either of them. Couldn't hurt to ask just a little bit, she thought.

"Um, so…what about you two?" Elvira asked. "Where are you from?"

"Us?" Tanith blinked. "Well, Oz and me, we're…Dresilian." The pause seemed oddly long. "We came up through here on our way to Alba, on a mission, from, er…someone." Also a weirdly long pause, which Elvira couldn't help but frown at. "On our way through here, Cunobelinus's men, along with some masked weirdo - he wore a cloak and was covered in shadows - knocked us out without warning, and next thing we know, we're in here. That was…about two weeks ago, give or take?"

"Mm." Osiris nodded. "We've tried to devise an escape plan, and even tried to put one into action, but it didn't work. If anything, all it's done is moved us further up the list to be put to death."

"Oh no…" The despair in Elvira's heart swelled all the more upon hearing their tale.

"It'll probably be any day now that we're brought forward," Tanith said. "And if you were thrown in a cell with us, I don't think you have much longer left either, to be honest."

"Th-That's…!"

"It's why I said earlier you ought to make your peace now," Osiris mentioned, clasping his chained paws together. "Because the chances of escape from here are minimal."

"But I…No…" Elvira looked at the ground, her hands trembling.

Before she could say any more, a shrill call sounded from the guards.

"Breakfast's over!" yelled the Exploud warden from before. "Back to your cells, the lot of you!"

A collective grumble sounded from the other prisoners as the guards began to marshal them back to their cells. Elvira, Osiris and Tanith got in step with the crowd, and walked in file with them.

Elvira's thoughts still didn't leave her. The thought of facing certain doom…that didn't sit well with her. Yet the words of the other two were beginning to get to her, and she found it hard to deny the inevitable reality for her.

Even so…

I can't give up. Not here, not now.

---

"Damn it!"

The annoyed cries of a Riolu sounded throughout the prison he was in. Arian had tried his absolute hardest to break free of the shackles that bound him. But he had made no progress in spite of trying for most of the night to get them off him, before eventual fatigue lulled him off to sleep. He tried again once he woke up, but no luck, and he was getting quite worked up as a result of his struggles.

He looked around him, and couldn't see anyone from where he was bound by the shackles, in the dead centre of the room. Not even a guard. It felt considerably isolated, and Arian was feeling the loneliness more than ever. Even a guard to tell him to shut up and try to stop his efforts from trying to break his shackles; that would at least be something to alleviate the boredom of this place.

Still, if there was no one in the prison ward he was in, and if he managed to get out of there while no one was around…then now was the best time to do so! Arian rattled his chains some more, trying to find a chink in them somewhere.

"I would not bother even trying, prisoner."

Drat. Still, the presence of another made his ears prick, and the Riolu wondered who could be coming to visit him.

"Heeeeyyyyy, Arian!"

…Oh no, not her. Not again.

To Arian's woes, a certain Dragonair slithered up to the cell peering at him with the same sweet eyes that felt as false as ever. Behind her trailed two new faces to Arian; a Druddigon wearing a red toga and an olive crown. Clearly he was some kind of leader, although he didn't dress like any Alban chief he'd seen thus far. One thought then occurred to him: am I even in Alba anymore?

The other new arrival was highly unusual, in that they were completely obscured by a black cloak. At their chest, a brooch was pinned - a golden emblem with two triangular ends and a crescent shape in the middle, with two points on it jutting downwards. Oddly, Arian couldn't help but feel like he had seen it somewhere before. They wore a mask over their entire face, depicting a theatre mask with a lengthways divide down it, with one half happy and the other sad. There also seemed to be a shadowy energy radiating from them which unnerved Arian all the more.

"Look at me when I am talking to you, Riolu!" The sharp admonition from the Druddigon drew Arian's attention towards Cunobelinus. "Or do you not realise that your life is in my hands? I could very well send you to the gallows if you dare disrespect me!"

"U-Understood." Arian gulped. "S-Sir."

"Hmph." Cunobelinus breathed in after his outburst, and then seemed to look Arian over. The Riolu shifted uncomfortably under the Druddigon's gaze, uneasy about being an object of examination in his eyes. He tried to gauge the praetor's emotions, but as he attempted to get in touch with his aura, he found that he couldn't sense anything.

Wh-What? Panic flashed across Arian's face. Why can't I sense his emotions? That habitual ability that he'd had ever since he woke up in Elvira's house suddenly wasn't coming to him.

"Why, those chains bind thy power, dear Riolu. 'Tis a futile exercise to mastermind an escape from them!"

The distorted voice came from the cloaked figure. It sounded completely off, as though they were using a voice changer of some kind. But how? Does this world even have that kind of tech? Arian wondered. Feeling this wasn't imperative to know right now, he shrugged it off in favour of bigger, more important questions.

"So I want to know…" Arian swallowed, plucking up the courage to ask. "Where the hell am I?"

"I see you do not know. And you would be better off without knowing," Cunobelinus dismissed. "Even the slightest knowledge is a dangerous weapon, and I will not be putting a blade in the enemy's hand."

"C'mon, Daddy," Sabrina suddenly pleaded. "It can't hurt to give him just a little bit? It's not like he can do anything like he is now."

"...Very well." Cunobelinus let out a sigh at his daughter's pleas. "You are in Merionethensis, the capital of Ceredigonia."

"Ceredigonia?" Arian's ears flattened in realisation. Wait a minute…This is that troubled region they were talking about in Alba, wasn't it?

"You are lucky in that you are not here to be killed. Rather, you are awaiting transportation to another place. That shall be arranged in the next day or so, when Praetor Dominian arrives. There are plans for you, or so he says."

"P-Plans?" Arian shrank back in fear. "Wh-What do you mean by plans?"

"...I do not know. We in Ceredigonia are but messengers in this whole affair." Cunobelinus began to turn away from him. "But I will not let down my longtime friend and ally."

"So you not only kidnapped me in Breifne, but you also set off that explosion outside the cathedral!?" Arian growled. "You could have killed a load of people coming out of church!"

"Tch. That is of no loss to me," huffed the Druddigon. "Those vicious barbarians have launched attacks upon my people countless times and killed many innocents over the years. It was past time they received at least some form of retaliation." He shook his head. "Mark my words, that attack on Alban soil will not be the last."

"You're sick!" Arian spat.

"Ha! People in this prison have called me much worse," Cunobelinus scoffed. "At least you are not guaranteed a trip to the gallows like the rest of them are. Count yourself lucky for that, Riolu."

Lucky? Arian's ears pinned back again. Doesn't sound like where I'm going is much better than death. This Dominian person…I'd bet my Guild badge that his plans might as well be death.

"Breakfast will be arranged for you shortly," Cunobelinus declared. "No doubt Dominian will want you in good health, and I will not incur his wrath. Even if affiliation with Alban curs would earn you the right to be locked up here."

He turned on his heel.

"Come, Sabrina. Malvolio. Let us away."

And the three of them were off. Sabrina gave Arian a parting sweet smile, as fake as they always had been.

Left all alone again, Arian could only speculate about the conversation he'd just had. A pit in his stomach formed as he considered the unknown possibilities of what awaited him. Worse still…all alone, with no partner to stand by his side.

Elvira…

He curled up on the floor in despair.

---

"Hmm...how curious."

Praetor Cunobelinus was in his office, with Sabrina and Malvolio accompanying him. Upon his desk, the same artist's depictions of Arian and Elvira he had received before were lying on his desk. He wouldn't have paid it any mind, for he was too focused on affairs in his own province than to care about what went on beyond the mountains on Ceredigonia's western edge where Dresilia met Alba. However, a letter had forced him to focus on the matter at hand.

Said letter was beside the portraits. The elaborate cursive upon the page spoke of a highborn origin of its writer, as did the seal imprinted on the top of the letter. Most of it was usual inter-provincial dealings, although it soon went into detail over the plan to kidnap Team Elpis.

As we speak, this Riolu and this Treecko currently seek help from that sand-dwelling Rí Trahaern, to raise an army in order to overthrow Mitrofan the Iron Tyrant. If they succeed, we could well see an Alban occupation of Selenia, which would bode ill for us all. Selenia may be full of savageous low-bloods like Alba, but there is at least some shreds of honour and dignity among their kind. If Alba infects their minds with their doctrines, then that will only lead to greater destruction that threatens our empire. You, my good friend who harbour the greatest loathing of Alba this side of the Empyrean Mountains - it would be terrible if such a thing came to pass, would it not?

Luckily, sources depict these two as naive striplings, not even evolved. Thus, spiriting them away from that wasteland would be the most proactive method to toppling Alba's ambitions. I am aware your daughter is currently on a reconnaissance mission over there, and she should prove worthy to partake in this abduction.

As well as that, I have sent you some aid, who has no doubt entrusted this letter to you. He shall assist you should your attempts to capture these two prove to fail. I must insist that Arian must be turned in alive. I care not what you do with Elvira; her importance to this is not as important as his. It should also go without saying that this is a matter of absolute secrecy, and I would demand that you mention it to no one, with the exception of your daughter and the aide I have given you.
You would do well to follow these instructions, Cunobelinus. It would be a shame if Alba's eventual war upon us would be precipitated because of your failure to act.

- Gaius Dominianus Sartorius
Praetor of Etoria

Cunobelinus frowned at the letter's ending. He'd known the sender for many years now, and was aware that he could be something of an oddity at times. Possibly even shady. Yet this tone exacted upon him…he couldn't be sure, but it almost sounded like a threat.

"Dominian…" the Druddigon muttered out loud. "What is the meaning behind this request?" Several weeks later, and he still hadn't figured it out. He intended to write a letter to the praetor once the two were dealt with, but seeing as the two yet still drew breath according to the prison guards, he had not yet penned the report.

"Why, 'tis a quiet matter, milord. They art not your affairs to pry into."

The distorted voice drew Cunobelinus's attention, and he looked up from his papers at the shadowy cloaked figure in the corner of the office. He sighed, wishing he could better tell their emotions behind his mask.

"Pardon my questioning, Malvolio," Cunobelinus inquired. "But why am I not privy to that? I am a praetor in high standing, and a good friend of Praetor Etoria. I see no reason why I cannot be informed of this."

"You spoke as thus earlier. Or is oblivion thy anchor?" Malvolio, the cloaked figure, seemed to almost tease the Druddigon with his words. "Fret not, my good fellow, for I recollect it: 'Even the slightest knowledge is a dangerous weapon.' Praetor Dominian has ken of this, and so his lips art sealed." He drew a line across his mask's mouth.

"Hmph…I dislike when the truth of matters are held from my grasp, even when it comes from an ally," grumbled Cunobelinus. "I have enough to deal with when Fachtna and the Alban bloods plot conspiracy behind my back."
"I think it's fine, Daddy," Sabrina said. "We will be rewarded handsomely though, won't we?"

"Indeed!" Malvolio seemed to burst into a cheery mood, although it was hard to tell with the distortions in his voice. "Enough gold to rival the finances of His Excellency! The wastes of Ceredigonia shalt not be barren! Gone shall the days of that dreaded status as a backwater noble upon thy shoulders, Cunobelinus! Thou shalt be th' very object of envy for every other praetor across Dresilia! Fear this task not, for you will be saved by it!"

"...Really?" Cunobelinus raised a doubtful eyebrow.

"Aye. I shalt forewarn thee, however." Malvolio raised a finger - which Cunobelinus couldn't help but think looked somewhat feathery. "Dare I hear not treacherous intentions from thy lips…for upon the second I catch wind of such words I shall forward them to Dominian. Wouldst thou betray thy most loyal friend by turning him away in his hour of need?"

"...I had no intention of doing that." The Druddigon frowned some more. "Rest assured, I will carry out this mission. Even if I would like to know Dominian's intentions for that Riolu…it cannot be helped. I know as well as anyone that a nation cannot function without its secrets."

"Your compliance is welcomed." Cunobelinus presumed a smile from behind Malvolio's mask - if he knew what lay behind it. "Thou art a good soul."

"Mm." Cunobelinus then looked back at the portrait of Arian. "...Why him, though? With the exception of his green eyes, there appeared to be nothing special about that Riolu. Yet that stripling is the cause of great trouble for Mitrofan down in Selenia?"

"The reports lie not."

"Hmmmmm." Cunobelinus clasped his hands together. "...No matter. This shall not be my business by tomorrow. Off Arian will go with you, and as for Elvira…" His stare moved to the Treecko's portrait.

"We shall send her to the gallows tomorrow. If it will shut you and Praetor Dominian up."

"Is that wise?" Sabrina's body coiled tighter. "Her father's apparently the famous Fernblade Kallias. If we kill her, there might well be backlash, especially if word gets out that we'll be killing a Selenian amongst the rebels."

"Do not fret, Sabrina," her father assuaged. "Kallias was a Selenian mercenary and by proxy a devil of ill intent - but since Selenia has fallen to savagery, I doubt there shall be any consequences in killing off that man's daughter. Remind yourself that she is an enemy of Selenia, and so they would not protest at her death. And as for our people…what they do not know will not hurt them. They will see a rebel die and they will be satisfied by it."

"If you say so, Daddy," the Dragonair murmured.

"Now then. There are reports to pen, and executions to sign off on," Cunobelinus said. "Continue your individual affairs, both of you."

"According to thy wishes, milord."

"Sure thing!" Sabrina obliged, and both her and Malvolio left the office, leaving Cunobelinus alone to ponder on these matters.

---

Leonid was well aware of how some Mystery Dungeons could prove to be a shortcut to destinations through their unusual spatial anomalies. The Empyrean Mountains contained a number of these kinds of Mystery Dungeons, and it was through one that he and Svetlana had managed to get over the notably mountainous Selenian-Dresilian border five years ago. That had been a lucky escape back then.

To his annoyance, however, Dropstone Cavern proved to not be as big a shortcut as he'd hoped. He found he had to hunker down for the night as it had been twilight when he emerged, and upon querying to a passing traveller, he found Mirionydd was still a day's travel away. So the next day he had attacked the dusty roads of the region with a brisk pace, stopping only to rest and eat.

What did not pass the Selenian prince by was the air of tension throughout any populated places he happened across. There was an active fear in the air among many villagers, and though Leonid did not interact at length with any of them - he was, after all, in a race against time - he sensed their suspicious eyes peering at him. A stranger in a strange land, he was, and that amplified their fears.

He also noticed more than one instance of destruction throughout the villages, whether it be a number of houses or a wall knocked down, and he had an inkling that damage may not necessarily have been rebel activity.

If only they remembered that enemies of enemies can become friends, he had disdainfully thought upon his travels through one of these Ceredigonian villages. But a wary neutral is better than outright hostility. He made a point of not staying too long in any one place, and even when he stopped, he was usually on his way again after a few minutes.

By evening, he had been rewarded for his efforts. Upon travelling up a road carved along a rocky hillside, he ended up on a hilltop with a commanding view over the dry, hilly land below him. A lookout fence had been built, and a small establishment that appeared to be a roadside tavern was built overlooking the view. A resting place for merchants and travellers alike, Leonid thought.

Amidst the rocky mounds below him lay a notable town which could be picked out from the lookout. It was a place Leonid had been to before, and one he wasn't looking forward to returning to.

"Mirionydd," he remarked, looking out at the large town. "Or 'Merionethensis', as the Dresilians call it."

"Stupid name," hissed R. "Trust the Dressies to bury our culture and replace it with their own."

A collective anger had spread among the Falinks, and the other five all had a mix of irritated frowns and cross complexions. Leonid sympathised with them - he felt that pain, having seen this in action for himself during his time in Ceredigion.

"Save your anger for when we arrive in town," the Selenian prince advised. "We may well have to fight when we get there, and it would be wiser to channel such energy into knocking a knight's helm into the ground."

"Understood, Your Highness," C obliged, and the other Falinks lined up in formation as they prepared to make their way back down to lower ground through a worn path through rocky hills.

As they began their journey again after a short rest, Leonid found himself struggling to take his own advice to heart. He'd heard rumours of what went on in this town, and the very words made his fists ball in disgust. Even if some of it was hyperbole, as it sometimes was in cases of conflict close to people's hearts like this, he found himself having to take breaths to conceal his anger.

This isn't your conflict, he told himself. You are here to extricate Arian and Elvira. Nothing more. The Ceredigonians' fight is their own, and let them fight it.

Yet all the same…

How could such a thing have come to pass? Surely the emperor could not be this negligent of his land and people?

---

The path to steadier ground proved to be a tricky one, veering through crevices, small gulleys, and large rocks that had yet to be ground down by the weathering that often broke down chunks of rock in the hot Alban climate. Once or twice, Leonid found himself grimacing at the dirt and grime that was accumulating across his body. He hardly looked becoming for someone that was meant to be the sole heir of one of the most powerful positions in Ardalion.

No matter. Dirt is a temporary inconvenience. It matters not when lives are on the line.

After a while of manoeuvring through the hills, they finally reached flatter land, by which time Mirionydd loomed closer. It was a fortified town - extremely so, by the looks of it, judging by the high walls with few entrances along it. Getting in would be a challenge for the average person, and as well as that, the sun was beginning to set.

"...It may be prudent to rest for the night," Leonid considered. "But time is also of the essence. We know not where Arian and Elvira are located in here, and we must find their whereabouts as soon as possible."

"I reckon I know where they might be." A grim look suddenly came over C's face. "And if they are where I think, then we'll be having a tough time trying to break in there."

"I figured it might be the case too. After all, if there's one place to hole up captives in this part of the world…" Leonid let out an annoyed sigh.

"...Then the prison in this town is the most optimal place to do it."

Worried looks came into the eyes of the other Falinks.

"There's no way we can break in there!" N's eyes were wide with panic. "If it was easy to escape from there, tons of rebels would've broken out by now!"

"That's…not good at all." W was more calm than N, but still worried. "Even before Cunobelinus took over here, that prison was an ironclad one. We never heard of any successful prison escapes there."

"It's not impossible," A considered. "But there are a lot of variables we'd have to consider. And if the rebels haven't worked out a foolproof strategy…then what hope do we have?"

"...Damnation," Leonid muttered. A part of him had been hoping throughout his excursion to Mirionydd that this wouldn't turn out to be the case. But now that he was a stone's throw from the main town of Ceredigion, this very real possibility was now revealing the shortcomings of his plans.

They're right…But if we do nothing, then my country will remain forever beyond my grasp! He looked away from Carwyn, trying to hide his feelings on the matter. What do I do…?

"Well, isn't this a sight? I never thought I'd see the likes of you crawling back here again, prionsán."

Leonid froze. That voice - he knew it well. He hadn't heard it in a while, but that snide, gruff tone had been ingrained into his memory. If he could go without hearing it for the rest of his life, then he would be a happier Bisharp.

But alas, it was not to be. The Selenian looked over and saw a huge, green dinosaurian Pokémon wearing a khaki neckerchief gazing down at him as they marched out from the treeline. The Tyranitar's footsteps were big and heavy, almost shaking the earth as they made their way towards Leonid. They were at least two feet taller than the Bisharp, and from their stance, gaze and demeanour, were imposing in almost every aspect.

Carwyn was in disarray at the sight of the Tyranitar. C was keeping a brave face, but the back half of the troop were quivering in fear while A tried but failed to keep a stoic expression and R audibly gulped. W, Y and N actively hid behind Leonid, quaking in their boots.

The prince himself wasn't scared of the Tyranitar.

In fact, he knew him - all too well.

He curled his shaking fist in rage.

"In the region I never want to return to…of course I happen across the person I never want to see again. What a displeasure it is to meet you again…

"...Fachtna Arrachtach ap Yorath."

"I see you haven't changed one bit," Fachtna huffed. "And there I was hoping your trouncing would make you reflect on your mistakes and inspire you to toughen up. But you're as reckless as you always were."

"I will not listen to you," Leonid growled. "You have made enough of a mockery of me and you were of no help to my goal of liberation. I will not waste my time on a dogmatic sadist of your sort!"

He flicked his cape and turned away, ready to get that Tyranitar out of his sight and on with his mission. His turmoil with Fachtna was in the past, and that was where he wanted to leave it. A regretful chapter he'd since closed the book on, one that if he wished hard enough, he could simply forget–

"Well, if you want to be captured by Mirionydd's guards, then be my guest. It's your funeral, after all - because mark my words, they will kill you."

Leonid stopped.

"...I beg your pardon?"

Fachtna only sighed and shook his head.

"The push in rebel activity has the whole tír on edge, and that dandy in his ivory tower has used that as an excuse to lock up anyone even a wee bit shady. Did you come here not even knowing that much, prionsán?"

"Please stop calling me that," Leonid hissed. To be called prionsán dredged up gruelling memories that he wanted to keep buried.

"I will not." Alas, the prince would not receive sympathy from the Tyranitar. "I don't respect the weak."

"...You have not changed one iota from when I saw you last." Leonid's tone remained caustic. "How disappointing."

"Tch. You're as much of a waste of breath as you've always been," Fachtna growled. "I hope you never get that crown back."

"Are you going to stand out here in the middle of the road hurling insults at me?" After saying this, a thought suddenly came to Leonid for how to shake the Tyranitar off him. "Out here in the open, in the shadow of Mirionydd itself? It would not do if the leader of Ceredigion's rebels were captured and sent to certain death, now would it?"

"Ha! The knights don't patrol this part outside Mirionydd," scoffed Fachtna. "You think I don't know the lay of the land? This is my home turf, prionsán!"

Damnation. His bluff didn't work. That, then, left an option that was far from appealing in Leonid's eyes. But given that this excursion was already something he had little say in…

…Why must the most optimal choices be the most humiliating? He sighed, before giving his reluctant plea.

"I…would like to ask a favour."

Fachtna raised an eyebrow.

"Do a favour for you?" Fachtna chortled in disbelief. "You eat something funny or what?"

"...I need to get into Mirionydd." Leonid was tempted to snap back at the Tyranitar's latest insult, but held his tongue. "Two of my citizens have been kidnapped, and we think they may have been locked up in its prison. And I am well aware of that prison's near ironclad security, as well as its bloody gallows in which many of your rebels have been slain."

"Two Sels, eh?"

"Yes, indeed. And if I do not act now, they will be killed by Cunobelinus's forces. That is why…" Leonid drew in breath. "...I would like your assistance in breaking me into Mirionydd. You know it better than I do, and you must be aware of the town's foibles and hidden passages. You, too, are well-aware of the iron grip Cunobelinus has over Ceredigion. Time is of the essence, and if I do not rescue my two comrades…then my realm will remain beyond my reach forever. Moreover, supposedly the fate of Ardalion will be at stake too."

"Fate? Oh gods almighty." Fachtna rolled his eyes. "That kirkie in Breff put you to this, did they?"

"They did." Leonid gritted his teeth, at another shred of credibility stripped from him. "But if what they say is true, then even you will be affected. You and all the rebels under your command, this great struggle to which you have committed your lives too…all that will be for naught if the two I mentioned are killed."

Fachtna's look of disinterest wavered somewhat at the mention of his struggle. Leonid prayed within him that this could be the avenue by which he could get through to the Tyranitar.

"...Do you actually believe the seanmóirí that Archdruid Cathbad preaches, prionsán?" Fachtna queried. His tone was a disbelieving, questioning one.

"...I do not know." Even when pushed, Leonid still found himself suspicious of the Absol. "But they seemed wholly serious about this. And if they are correct, I…I would not want to doom Selenia and my people. If it will be forsaken because I failed to act…then I know such a thing would weigh on me like a noose until my burial."

His eye contact with Fachtna drifted slightly, but he focused again when he posed the next question.

"And that's why…I need your help, Fachtna. Can you…help me get into Mirionydd?"

It pained him to be bearing his soul to him of all people. The Tyranitar who'd put him through a brutal training regime under which he suffered regular humiliation by his fellow trainees. The Tyranitar who had clearly had it out for him, and who spoke to him the harshest. Sure, he had become a Bisharp under Fachtna's tutelage, but for all the phantom pains that wracked him daily around the time he evolved, it was not something he remembered with fondness.

Even now, he could still recall the shouts and yells.

"Put your back into it, prionsán! Is that really all you can lift?!"

"As expected of a prionsán who never left his castle! Bairns half your age would be tougher than you!

"If the Sels saw you now, they'd see a failed prince! Now move it! A hundred more reps!"

He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists, trying to shove such memories back to the recesses of his mind. Maybe one day he'd be able to forget it all.

"...You're a lucky one, prionsán." Leonid's attention snapped back to Fachtna. "If I had many options, I would leave you in the dust. But I have to take what I can get. …Even if it means getting your princely britches involved in this."

"...So you'll help?"

Fachtna didn't answer him, instead turning and beckoning his hand to Leonid.

"Come here. Off the road."

He began to retreat back among the rocks. Leonid followed after him, and Carwyn loyally followed in the prince's footsteps.

They made their way through a side path entangled with uneven steps and not a whole lot of tree cover. Leonid was subconscious of being caught, and was amazed that Fachtna didn't seem to be giving any kind of mind towards keeping a low profile. Given the Tyranitar's sheer size and girth, he hardly looked to be the stealthy type. And yet to think this 'mon was right under the noses of his enemies, creeping about in the foothills of Mirionydd…if he still remained uncaptured, then there had to be some skill about it all. That, or Cunobelinus's knights were incompetent to not notice he was there the whole time.

It is also twilight. That could have to do with it.

Eventually, they arrived at a spot where a big boulder lay, around where there was some cover by a number of trees and bushland. The boulder in question was massive, and would certainly require a few 'mons around Leonid's size to pick it up.

Or so the prince thought. Fachtna leant down and picked the whole boulder up all by himself before tossing it to the side. The show of strength from the Tyranitar earned a pair of yelps from Y and N.

But under the boulder revealed a passageway. Looking down, Leonid realised the amount of tracks indicated there had been a fair amount of footfall, meaning only one thing.

"Your hideout…"

"Aye, indeed. Get in."

Fachtna moved his way in, with Leonid following after him into the tunnel.

---

It was a dusty, dirty tunnel propped up by timbers, not too unlike how a mine shaft might be. Leonid grimaced at the dirt that was accumulating on his cape, rendering it even shabbier than it had been before. He grabbed the end of it, fearing it might catch on something. At least the tunnel was quite wide, to account for someone as huge as Fachtna.

They eventually reached a wider area, where various other 'mons wearing the same khaki scarves and cloaks that Fachtna wore milled around. Leonid could feel the eyes on him as he followed Fachtna.

"Follow me, prionsán!" The Tyranitar's words boomed around the tunnel, making nearby rebels jump and stand to attention. Leonid spotted the reverence and respect in their eyes as they saluted their leader.

That awe soon gave way to leers of suspicion as Leonid felt their gazes on him. He sighed, knowing he could hardly win with a band of rebels.

Fachtna opened a door to what appeared to be his office. Leonid and Carwyn followed him in.

"So," the Tyranitar began, once he shut the door behind them. "I wouldn't normally care to rope a meatachán like you into this whole affair. But I'll admit that I, like you, am in a race against time."

"Oh?" Leonid murmured. "Do tell."

"Cunobelinus has been increasing his execution rate lately and that's doing away with my locked up forces, not to mention a bunch of innocent Alban bloods who barely have anything to do with the rebellion." A snarl crossed Fachtna's face. "If we don't stop this right now, then Alban claims in Ceredigion will be wiped out entirely and all that'll be left are the Dressie invaders who don't belong here. He's engaging a campaign of annihilation against my people and he won't stop until the Albans in this tír are all wiped out."

"All wiped out?" Leonid questioned. "That is surely bloody and inefficient. From his point of view, it would make far more sense to try and convert the Albans to Dresilian customs, no?"

"Ha! The planet'll be paralysed before we get a praetor that'll do that," scoffed Fachtna. "No. They're a lost cause, the lot of them. When Clan ap Yorath rises again, the Dressies better start praying."

"Pardon my interruption, but what does this have to do with me?" Leonid said. "What do you need me for?"

"I have a bit of a task that needs doing. But since you're here, prionsán…" The Tyranitar clasped his hands as a grin grew on his face. "You'd make for a…compelling addition to what we have planned tomorrow."

"You have plans, do you?" Leonid put his hand to his chin. "What are they?"

"Well, you see, the prison isn't staffed with loyal guards. There's some lots among the guards that are actually our lot who've been feeding us info. Some who see what we're fightin' for and want in. Good on 'em." Fachtna briefly smiled with satisfaction. "Anyhow, tomorrow will be remembered as a day for the history books for the two main events I have planned."

"And those would be…?"

Fachtna's toothy grin could be described as almost sinister.

"The assassination of Cunobelinus, along with the obliteration of that prison. We're gonna blow that place sky-high!"

He paused to take out a piece of parchment and lay it out on the table. It was a simple crude sketch, depicting one very simple scene.

An explosion at the side of a tall square building.

Leonid got the immediate picture, and his doubtful frown told it all.

"You plan to blow a hole in it?"

"Aye, prionsán." The Tyranitar seemed quite smug.

"...I do not anticipate success from such a crude plan." Leonid shook his head. "Do you really think the forces of Cunobelinus will not notice such a blast? In case you were not aware, explosions are not exactly what one would call 'quiet'."

"Alright then, do you have something else?" Fachtna immediately countered, his grin turning to a frown. "I'd hear even your whingin' arse out this time."

"...W-Well." The excuses died at Leonid's lips. "I…do not."

"Then shut that mouth of yours." The Tyranitar's glare could paralyse the most weak-willed. But Leonid was determined to hold his ground.

"You still have not explained how you intend to involve me in this farcical plan of yours," the Bisharp said, crossing his arms.

"Your head rustin', prionsán?" Fachtna quipped. "I said there were two events. The prison escape's only one part. The other's offing that bag of scales. You're gonna help us by being a bit of a lure for him."

"...For a moment, I almost thought you were demanding I kill him." Leonid frowned.

"Clear out your ears, prionsán!" The Tyranitar looked offended by the suggestion. "After all this time we've been fighting to free our nation from the Dressies, to hand that kill over to a Sel would be betrayal of the highest order! You better keep your blades to yourself, because that rotter is mine!" He slammed his fist against the table in fury, throwing everything on it into disarray. Leonid was only surprised Fachtna didn't punch a hole in it, given his size and strength.

"I had no intention of sullying my blades with his blood. Calm yourself." Leonid had to also tell that to himself, to prevent his temper from flying free. That could scupper things with Fachtna entirely. "I will do as you request. But in return, I demand you bring both Riolu Arian and Treecko Elvira to me."

"That can be arranged." Fachtna then reached for a piece of parchment that had fallen to the floor. "Says here from our mole that there is a Treecko among our prisoners. …No mention of a Riolu, though."

"No Riolu, you say?" Worry sprung in Leonid's heart. "Not even one?"

"Not one. And this mole doesn't miss a trick." Fachtna shrugged. "Maybe your mutt's being held somewhere else."

Another question came to Leonid. Though his main objective was rescuing Team Elpis, the face of a certain other in dire straits came to him.

"...Have you spotted a Mienshao anywhere among them?"

"Mienshao, eh?" Fachtna thought for a moment. "It's yer missus, isn't it?"

"...Yes." A lame confession. "Is she…still here?"

The Tyranitar stared at him, his stare a mixture of confusion and amusement. Yet in there, Leonid could detect the faintest trace of…sympathy?

"...She isn't. She'd have stuck out like a Gholdengo among my lot anyway."

"...I see." Leonid looked down and balled his fists. "As if I needed more obstructions."

"Well, you're locked in now, prionsán. Oh, and you'd better not go back on your word." A dark, hinting glare shone in Fachtna's eyes. "If you do…let's just say the Sels won't have that hero's dynasty they love so much."

"Is that a threat?" Leonid returned his own glare.

"What do you think it is? Even your tinhead should be able to know that much."

The Bisharp sighed in annoyance. Already not wanting to be here, throwing his lot in with rebels of killing intent, and now finding out he may have to look beyond this rebellion-torn town, it was hard for him to be any more reluctant than he already was. But whether he liked it or not, he was locked into this decision.

"...You have nothing to worry about," he eventually said. "I have no intention of betrayal. I have had enough of that in my life already."

"Good. Now then, outta here." Fachtna pointed to the door. "I have plans to draw up for you tomorrow. Brigid'll help you to your room. You'd better rest, because I don't tolerate late sleepers."

"...Thank you for your time, Fachtna." Not needing to be told again, Leonid left the office, with Carwyn in tow. The door shut with a resounding thud behind him.

---

Notes

The shiny Jangmo-o is a reference to Morgan, one of the main characters of Turkeyuwu's PMD: Royal Replacement. The red-scarved Sneasler is a reference to Fawkes from Navar's PMD: Heroic Dreamers. The Ground-type Marowak is a reference to Alvin from Spiteful Murkrow's Once a Thief. All have the common trait of being apprehended and imprisoned at some point in their respective stories, so I figured I'd ingrain that a little into the current prison setting, while also giving shout-outs to some of my PMD writer friends. ^^

Glossary

Prionsán - Irish approximation of a diminutive way to say 'prince'.

Seanmóirí - Irish for 'sermons', in the sense of long, drawn-out discourse.

Meatachán - Irish for 'coward, craven'.

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, coming around to hit up some of my fic priorities for Diner’s ongoing Review Event. One of them was this fic since it’d gotten squeezed out while juggling competing priorities back in Review Blitz. Now feels like as good a time as any to come back to things, so let’s just dive in and see where things go here after the dust settled from the world’s longest and most stressful courier mission by Team Elpis and Team Anima into Iria:

Chapter 18

Spoiler: Line-by-Line

"Ah…you're all back. …Good. I was beginning to worry about you all. Something tells me…there's a good reason why you took longer than usual in returning here."

Melchior was the one to say this, as Team Elpis and Team Anima descended into the Guild after trekking home from Iria. The looks on their faces all brightened when they saw their guildmaster; the exact person they needed to talk to.

I think that the underlined likely works better focusing more on scene setting the place and what’s going on here. For example, we don’t know where Arian and Elvira are meeting Melchior (e.x. in his office, right down the fake well, etc) at the moment.

"There sure is, Guildmaster," Natalie replied. "We gotta tell ya 'bout what happened in Iria."

"I could not agree more with Natalie," Serafina seconded. "We must tell this story, and especially to you, Guildmaster. I think you, more than anyone else in the Guild, should hear our words."

The bit in underlined feels redundant to Natalie’s line right before since they’re both talking about telling the story of what happened out in Iria.

"...You seem eager to tell me," Melchior noted. "Well, who am I to deny you? Come to the office and we can discuss it over some tea." He turned to Rhiannon, who happened to be nearby. "Rhiannon, could you tell Aldebrand to make some tea?"

"Sure thing!" the Rockruff answered peppily, and dashed off to the dining hall to find the fire dragon.

… I sure hope that Aldebrand is going to be the one who brings the tea over, since I don’t know how well a Rockruff will be able to keep a tray steady while walking. ^^;

Melchior, meanwhile, headed to his office, trailed by the members of Teams Elpis and Anima. When they arrived, they all sat down in chairs, with Melchior occupying the chair behind his desk. In a short while, Aldebrand entered with tea, which all five partook in.

Yeah, I had a feeling there since Aldebrand is the one with actual hands there.

"Right," the Swampert said, once he had gotten comfortable in his chair. "Tell me from start to finish all that happened in Iria."

"Boy, where do we even begin?" Arian said. "I guess…we'll start with our missions, which went well. Rescue a Vivillon and get Amplifying Crystals from Lapis Grotto. Not much to say there - the clients were thankful and gave us the rewards when we met them in Karinina's Inn. They were kind, if a little eccentric." Well…how else do you describe someone like Dio?

"But when we went outside the inn, the knights had us cornered," Elvira took over. "Marshal Ludmila, their leader, showed us wanted posters of Arian and I, and chased us. Luckily, we managed to evade them and went down a side street. And as it happened…it was the same street on which the Grimmhatt Orphanage was located."

[ ]

"The Grimmhatt Orphanage?" This caught Melchior's attention. "Did you meet Dalibor and Cornelia?"

IMO, the “this caught Melchior’s attention” part would work better more explicitly mentioning that Melchior had some sort of reaction and visibly paid more attention before he actually starts speaking again.

"We did. They were kind to us, and we had tea with them. Dalibor appears to be doing well these days, especially given what happened to him," Elvira answered. "But…what was interesting was what he had to say about Mitrofan. …He thinks that he's not a completely bad soul."

[ ]


"...I figured he'd tell you that," Melchior replied. "He's told me as much in our correspondences, about Mitrofan donating money to the orphanage. I think, however, the correct term would be that he’s is a conflicted soul.”

[ ]

“Many others share that same opinion. They aren't sure what to make of him, even now after five years in power. A fair amount of people do tolerate him, on the basis that for the most part, their lives barely change."

A couple spots where it likely is worth dropping in some description of character reactions. Especially since Melchior’s line in response to Elvira is long-winded enough that it feels like it would be rendered with some sort of pause in a visual medium.

"Yeah," Natalie said, nodding at what Melchior was saying. "The folks in Karelia are like that. He don't bother 'em, so they don't protest 'gainst him."

Ah yes, so Karelia is the official “not my problem” Oblast. Duly noted.

"Hmm…" the Swampert hummed. "...I digress. Did you stay the night in the orphanage?"

"No," Serafina denied. "We were then informed Dalibor told us that Rufus, one of the orphans, had snuck into the Irian Catacombs. It was We agreed that the four of us would head there to rescue him, despite the ban on entering there. It was a difficult Dungeon, filled with Ghost-types…but we made it through to the crypt where all of House Ruslan is buried and found Rufus there. There…we did find Rufus."

Her face then darkened. [ ]

"...He had been taken captive by Mitrofan, as well as…Nikita and Marshal Spiridon, I believe their names were."

Serafina’s dialogue feels like it has enough going on to be worth breaking up and expanding from how it’s presently formatted right now.

[ ]

"Spiridon?" The name seemed to strike a chord with Melchior, but he didn't ask further on this point. "...What happened?"

It might just be a stylistic thing on my end, but it might have been worth showing Melchior reacting to the name before he speaks up again, and then having him speak up. Since right now, things are a bit “informed attribute” at the moment.

"...Mitrofan was every bit as bad as they said he was." Arian's opinion was quite clear on this point huffed. "He called you and Kallias 'cowardly turncoats', or whatever it was he said, went on about the oath not to kill for us mercs, and kept treating us as threats to him. Then he attacked us.”

[ ]

“…It only took one move for him to knock us both out." He looked down in shame. "I'm sorry we couldn't put up more of a fight…"

Another long dialogue paragraph here that IMO works better split off into parts. Though a part of me wonders if we necessarily needed to have as much of a blow-by-blow summary in this recollection versus a summary and then Melchior getting in his reactions at the end.

"Don't be. Mitrofan's one of the toughest people I know," Melchior replied. "It seems like he hasn't slackened since overthrowing Kliment. It would take an exceptional effort to bring him down. Much as I despise the man he's become, I can hardly deny his power as a fighter.”

[ ]

“…But how did you get out of there?"

"We used an escape orb," Serafina informed. "But we realised the whole of the Irian Knights were on the lookout for us, and thus made a point of laying low.”

[ ]

“We were not entirely successful, if I am to be honest. The knights, led by Marshal Metody of House Kumiega, found us and chased us down,” she explained. “We ran and ran, and ended up encountering Mitrofan and Marshal Ludmila again. It was looking bleak, and we were very close to being captured.”

[ ]

"But as luck would have it, we happened to be outside Iria Cathedral. We escaped there, hoping they would take us into sanctuary. By a stroke of luck…there were priests there. But not just any priests. Archbishop Khariton, one of Selenia's leading clergymen, was there. …As was none other than Pontifex Sansarn."

Some more suggestions of how to reformat these dialogue sequences. Though a part of me wonders whether or not Serafina’s dialogue between “We were not entirely successful” to the bit where she brings up Sansarn could be condensed at all, since it feels like the cliff’s notes of her account can basically be summarized as:

“It didn’t go all that well. The knights, led by Marshal Metody chased us down, and Mitrofan and Marshal Ludmila caught up with us when we fled. If we hadn’t happened to be near Iria Cathedral to take sanctuary, we probably wouldn’t be here right now. Oh, by the way, Archbishop Khariton and Pontifex Sansarn were there.”

with a bit more formalese and less irreverence, but you get the idea.

[ ]

"Pontifex?!" That earned a shocked reaction from the Swampert.

Another moment where IMO showing the reaction before the speech will likely flow better for reading things.

"Yes. It was nothing short of a surprise, but…an incredible boon for us. He admitted us into sanctuary, and also prevented Mitrofan and the knights from getting their hands on us with clever tact. I cannot give enough thanks to him for helping us in our hour of need. Now that we were in sanctuary, that was where We spent the night in sanctuary there, safe in the knowledge that we would not be ambushed by Mitrofan's forces."

"He was truly kind, the pontifex," Elvira added. "And…he told us something huge. According to him…Prince Leonid, who's been rumoured to be alive, has taken sanctuary in Dresilian churches, and has been attempting to rally support to take back Selenia from Mitrofan. In other words…he didn't die. House Ruslan lives on."

Whelp, time to find out just how much Melchior’s been clued in to happenings outside Selenia, since I can’t tell whether or not he’s going to be startled by this or go “Oh, that? Yeah, I already knew”.

[ ]


"...So those rumours are true," Melchior replied, sounding excited to hear of this revelation. "I've heard of them too, and…secretly, I hoped they would be true. …But now we have concrete evidence to go on.”

[ ]

“This is…good news. Very good news, indeed,” Melchior mused. “…What a blessing that the pontifex was there. If I ever meet him, I shall certainly give him thanks of my own. On that note…does he know where Prince Leonid is exactly?"

Another spot where you have some dialogue that would likely work better broken up with some interleaving narration.

Arian: “Uh… now that I think about it, I don’t think any of us asked him about that, huh?” ^^;

"...Alas, no," Serafina answered. "He said he would search through church records when he returned to Padavonum. For now…we are still waiting for that answer ourselves."

"...I say we try and find that answer on our own in the meantime," Arian proposed. "While we're out doing our merc missions, we should keep an ear out for any tidbits of info about his whereabouts."

Elvira: “Okay, not that I don’t want to find the rightful heir to the throne as much as the next ‘mon, but how are we supposed to do that when he could be on the opposite side of Ardallion right now?” .-.

"A good idea, Arian. I'll tell everyone in the Guild that this evening, when we're all here," Melchior said. "Someone may well know something."

Since if someone did know, wouldn’t they have brought it up in the past as a potential lead?

[ ]

"...I do wonder how he must feel about all of this," Serafina murmured. "To be displaced of his parents and his tsardom…I have nothing but sympathy for His Highness's plight."

I’m admittedly a bit spoiled as to this through the grapevine, but IIRC it’s basically:

Though I can’t tell whether or not that will be a positive thing or not.

"...Did ya ever meet him?" Natalie wondered.

"...I have been at various functions attended by Selenian nobility, and it was at these that I met Prince Leonid and House Ruslan," Serafina responded. "Granted, I rarely spoke to him, given my family's status as a lesser house. But…he was cordial and friendly, from what I gathered. I should think someone like him would make a fine tsar. If he is at all like his father in terms of being a leader, then I would wholly endorse him to be the next tsar of Selenia."

I’m now imagining Leonid in some warehouse somewhere having a depressing nostalgia song and dance number like in the Anastasia cartoon.

"His father…" That reminded Arian of something that he had wanted to ask. "I've got a question, Melchior. And maybe you too, Serafina. Did you know Tsar Kliment at all? What was he like?"

"...Indeed, I did. Back when he was still alive, he recognised Team Marshwood's contributions to both the commonfolk and nobility in our many missions during our years as part of the Irian Guild. He even offered Kallias and I knighthoods and titles for our service to the Selenian people.”

[ ]

“…However, we declined, as we felt such titles would draw us more into the sphere of nobility and distance us from the commonfolk, who we associated with. That was Kallias's logic, at least," Melchior recalled. "I wouldn't say he wasn't haughty and without pomp, as nobles tend to be, but…at the same time, he didn't outright scoff at the commonfolk as other nobles would. And in terms of stability as tsar, He didn't suffer any huge unrest, and was able to keep the peace throughout his reign."

Wait, “huge unrest”? Implying that Kliment did have his share of peasant revolts back in the day? Just how often do those happen in Selenia anyways?

Though this is another moment that vibes to me as being worth dividing and slotting some description between, especially since we’ve come off a pretty long chunk of continuous dialogue up to this point.

[ ]


"...I see," Arian murmured. "But…did he have a dark side at all? It's just…Mitrofan seemed like he was a good person at one point, before suddenly becoming who he is today.”

[ ]

“Dalibor thinks Tsar Kliment might've had something to do with it. He…might have a point. I'm beginning to think that might well have been what happened." He turned to his partner. "Elvira, what do you think?"

Wait, Elvira would have a frame of reference for seeing Kliment as something than an almost saintly figure with how she was a little kid back when he died and with everything that happened with Mitty afterwards? ^^;

"...It's definitely a possibility," Elvira agreed. "I've met Mitrofan a number of times, and you and Dad have talked about him a lot, Melchior. He doesn't seem like the kind of person that would kill without reason, and especially the tsar of all people. …That theory about Tsar Kliment wronging him might well be true."

I mean, hasn’t Elvira had a few years of stories about Mitty that would counter this? Wouldn’t it be apt to say something more along the lines of “Up until the day he overthrew the Ruslans, he never seemed like the kind of person that would kill without reason [...]” or something like that? Since the Mitrofan she knows now would likely strike her as being willing to kill “without reason” unless if Elvira’s going to make a deliberate callback to how he dealt with Rufus.

"Of course, we're not saying Mitrofan's in the right here," Arian added. "We're just saying that…maybe Tsar Kliment isn't blameless in all of this. Depending on just what he did…"

"Hmmm…" Melchior considered Team Elpis's suppositions. "...You are quite right, Arian. Though I praised Tsar Kliment, I will not defend the man to death. There could very well have been a dark side to the man that I never saw. I am open to suppose I can’t rule out the idea that he could have incited Mitrofan to kill him."

inb4 it was getting his wife and/or kids killed or something like that. Since that is a pretty time-tested formula in stories to get a fallen hero.

"But that in turn begs a question," Serafina brought up. "What did His Majesty do that would drive Mitrofan to murder?"

[ ]

"...I don't know. If I did, I might be able to fathom his hatred for Kliment more," Melchior ruminated. "But…there is something I have wondered for a while now. And bringing up the issue of motives to assassinate Tsar Kliment…I can't help but think there may be a connection.

"...Rufina. Whatever happened to her?"

Wait, who is saying this last line of dialogue there? Since there’s a few options, but it’s not clear who is bringing it up.

"Rufina?" Natalie queried. "Who's that?"

"She's…Mitrofan's wife, isn't she?" Elvira replied, though shocked realisation was written over her face.

"His wife?" Arian said. "Mitrofan had a wife?"

‘Had’ being the operative word. Though I can’t tell if she’s just flatly dead or being held hostage right now based off that extended hypothetical scenario that Mitrofan gave Dalibor in the last chapter.

"Yes," the Treecko confirmed. "Not only that, but he had children as well. …Three children, if I'm not mistaken. …I never did mention that. It slipped my mind."

I’m legit surprised to hear this, since with how hunky-dory Elvira was shown as being towards Mitrofan, you’d think that she’d have met Rufina and the kids.

[ ]


"A wife and children? …I…I had no knowledge of this." Serafina was taken aback by this revelation. "...But why have we heard nothing of them since Mitrofan took over? The basis for any new dynasty is progeny to inherit their predecessor's titles. And yet…this is the first I have heard of Mitrofan having any children." A thought came to her. "Perhaps Mitrofan's actions caused his wife to desert him and take their children with her?"

… Or they could just be dead, Serafina. Just saying, it would explain a few things about him snapping and having a normal one with the Ruslans seemingly out of the blue.

"A good suggestion, Serafina. But…I don't think that's likely," Melchior denied. "You see…Rufina loved Mitrofan to death. Kallias, Mitrofan, Dalibor and I were all married at some point back in the days of the old Irian Guild. Though I dearly loved my own wife…of all of our marriages, I would say Mitrofan and Rufina's bond was the greatest.”

[ ]

“They were attached at the hip, and the fact they had the most children of all of us said it all." His gaze met Elvira's. "...Not to say that your own parents didn't love one another."

Wait, Melchior also had a spouse? What on earth happened to her?

Though a part of me wonders how on earth Mitty juggled working as a Guildmaster along with being the head of a large family. Since you’d think that’d be quite the juggling act to have to manage.

"It's alright, Melchior," Elvira assured. "Dad told me before that they were deeply passionate for one another. …He even joked that he could organise a marriage between me and Stiliyan, their eldest son."

Was Stillyan like 5 or something back then? Since I could’ve sworn that Elvira was intended to be young young back in those flashbacks

[ ]

"...Yer pullin' my leg. Did that really happen?" Natalie asked.

"No, it was only a joke from Dad. But…I did get to meet Stiliyan a few times," Elvira reflected. "He was an Axew around my age, and was eager and adventurous.”

[ ]

“He always talked about how he was going to grow up to be a mercenary, just like his parents,” she mused. “He was strong, too. We sparred a few times during our meetings, but I never managed to win against him.”

[ ]

“We got on quite well, and we were even pen pals for a while, but…we stopped doing it. For no particular reason, we just…focused on other aspects of our lives."

A couple spots where it probably makes sense to break Elvira’s dialogue into a couple parts with some interleaved description. Though I see that we have an indirect reveal of what Rufina’s species was.

"...Admired his parents and wanted to be a mercenary just like his parents? …He sounds like you," commented Arian. "Your dad might've been joking, but…who knows? That might well have been a match made in heaven."

Bring it up with your author, Arian. Since I’m pretty sure that he’s got a ship for you and Elvira waiting in the docks.

"...Possibly," Elvira shrugged. "...They had three children, Mitrofan and Rufina. The second one was a daughter named Nevena. She was an Aron, and she was a bit different. Whereas Stiliyan was all about adventure, she was a bit more placid, and more softly-spoken. She definitely didn't take after her mother in that regard. But she was nice. I liked her.

"The third child was Luka, another Aron. He was only a hatchling when I saw him last, which was…seven years ago. So I can't really say much about him."

Oh right, your setting doesn’t have species inherently determined by the mother. Though duly noted about those other kids, and clearly Elvira’s a bit older than I remembered in the present day.

"...They all sound so vibrant like they were full of life…" Serafina observed. "Especially your description of Stiliyan. It felt as though he really admired his father, if he wanted to follow in his footsteps." Her face fell in disappointment. "...I wonder how he, and Rufina, would feel about his father becoming the man he is today?"

Boy is that going to be awkward if they’re not just flatly dead, but actually in a position to potentially be able to pass judgement at some point in the future.

"...It's too strange, her absence," Melchior murmured. "I believe that if faced with the situation of Mitrofan killing Tsar Kliment and taking over the country for himself, she would side with him, no doubt.”

[ ]

“The two of them, leading Selenia together…I feel as though Mitrofan would want that reality. for the two of them, but she's nowhere to be seen."

A dark expression came over his face. [ ]

"...There are only two likely possibilities I can think of about what this means, and neither of them are pleasant."

"...What would they be, Melchior?" Arian asked.

"...Either Rufina and her children are being held hostage somewhere…or they're all dead," the Swampert answered. "I sincerely hope it isn't the latter, but…"

I… feel like we’re missing some context as to what happened to Rufina and the kids that would make Melchior assume these two specific possibilities. Like when did those four fall off the face of the earth and does Melchior have any recollection of how / when they disappeared and how Mitty took it? Since you’d think that “Beloved Guildmaster’s wife and kids vanished” would be the sort of thing that would get the entire Irian Guild to drop what they were doing to try and find them.

"...Those would explain it," Arian replied. "If Tsar Kliment had a hand in either of those…then I could see why Mitrofan would snap and kill him in revenge."

"But why would His Majesty do such an abhorrent thing?" Serafina questioned. "I do apologise, Guildmaster, but as my house supported House Ruslan, I cannot simply take a claim like that at face value. It is no small accusation to make that Tsar Kliment engaged in kidnapping innocents, three of whom were children.”

[ ]

“And to what end? [ ] I do not wish to put stock in such an idea if it turns out to be wrong."

I think that it probably makes more sense to have Serafina get a bit into defending Kliment’s honor. e.x. If she can acknowledge that Kliment did some amoral things / made some gray decisions in the service in politics, but that kidnapping/killing the wife and kids of a beloved public figure is just something she could never imagine Kliment doing or how he could ever possibly benefit from it or something like that.

[ ]

"...You have a point," admitted Elvira. "There's still a lot we don't know about the background to all of this. Part of me wonders if it's as simple as what we're making it out to be. Just what were the circumstances behind it all?"

That feels like a pretty good prediction there, Elvira, since otherwise this is going to be a bit of a short story, while IIRC, Mitty is still a relevant threat as of the most recent chapters.

[ ]

"I've been pondering the same question for five years," Melchior replied. "I've asked Dalibor this the same question since reestablishing contact with him. And he has tried to wring the answer out of Mitrofan. Alas…we are still none the wiser. On the few occasions when they have spoken, supposedly Mitrofan dodges the question every time."

Have you ever considered that Dalibor is just dense, Melchior? Since just saying, Mitty laid out a really, really unsubtle hypothetical “would you kill in [X] situation” scenario to Dalibor the other chapter that more or less was entirely about being blackmailed to do the bidding of a third party for the sake of one’s loved ones.

"...Looks like it's going to be a hard hunt for the answer to that one," remarked Arian disappointedly. "...Guess that's three mysteries we have to solve now. Where Prince Leonid is, what happened to Rufina and why Mitrofan murdered Tsar Kliment."

"...We shall have to be on the lookout for any clues regarding all of those," Serafina replied. "Whatever the truth is, we must work to bring it to the light."

Arian: “So… any ideas as to where we should start there, or…?” ^^;
Serafina: “If I did, I’d have mentioned them, Arian.” >_>;

"Yes, we must. For all parties' sake," Elvira said. "...I think that's all we have to report, Melchior."

"...Alright then. Thank you very much for telling me all of that," Melchior said gratefully, as the foursome got up to leave the room. "It's given me time to mull over the situation around Mitrofan. Regardless of all he has done…he was a friend of mine, and I would love to know just what twisted him into the man he is now.”

[ ]

“Maybe then, I'll be able to understand what drove him to do what he did."

IMO, Melchior’s last sentence works a bit better if it’s separated off after some sort of pause / moment where he emotes a bit.

"We have your back, Melchior," Arian said to him, just before he left the office. "We want to know the truth too. …Who knows? Might even be able to convince to turn away from being a tyrant," he added, although he himself doubted his own words.

Yeeeeeeah, that’s not going to fly with Selenia given that Mitty has a bodycount to his name, and not in the lecherous slang sense either.

"...Maybe." By the sound of it, Melchior thought the same. "But I appreciate your support, Arian."

"Thanks." And with that, Arian left the office. [ ]

"...Convincing Mitrofan to turn away from the path he's on now?" Elvira asked, as the two walked back to their room. Team Anima had already retired to theirs. "...I don't want to be pessimistic, but…I don't see that happening."

It probably makes sense to describe a bit more of Elvira’s reaction on the way over to tee up her speaking to Arian here.

"I know. But…the possibility's there, right?" the Riolu shrugged. "You never know. Besides…there's still hope. That's what our team name is all about. Elpis, the embodiment of hope. Or did you forget?"

I actually don’t remember whether or not the story flatly explained what ‘Elpis’ meant in the past, though cute to see it firmly come out here. Especially since it all but confirms that Team Elpis is some sort of modern parallel to Team Hope way back when.

"I didn't. …Maybe you're right. Maybe there still is hope," Elvira replied, as the two reached their room. They went inside, and Arian immediately went over to the bookshelf.

"Hey, Elvira," he asked. "What species is Rufina?"

"Oh, she's a Haxorus," she answered.

Elvira: “Really, you couldn’t figure out by process of elimination? Her children were Aron and Axew. There was really only one species she could’ve-”

Arian: “Look, none of those names mean anything to me since I’ve never seen any of those Pokémon, okay?” >_>;

"Haxorus…"

Arian's paw prised an index of Pokémon species from the shelf, and opened it once he sat back down on his bed. Skimming through the pages, he eventually found the species in question: a green-scaled dragon with axe-like tusks and armour-like scales.

"...Interesting. You know…I could imagine Mitrofan marrying someone who looks like this," he commented. "I could see the two of them as a couple."

So… Mitrofan’s wife was quite literally a battleaxe, huh?

I’ll just see myself out for that one. ^^;

"Yeah…They did go well together, the two of them." Elvira had come over to Arian's side, and looked at the entry on Haxorus with him.

"What was she like? …Personality-wise, I mean."

"...Fiery, I think would be the right word for her," the Treecko recalled, thinking back to her meetings with the tusked dragon and what her father had said about her. "She was also not afraid at all to express her opinion. She would tell a lord exactly what she thought of him right to his face, regardless of how much power he held and the potential repercussions this could have."

I was joking with the ‘battleaxe’ comment. I assume that she was a bit more mellow towards her hubby, but clearly I was not far from the mark. >:V

"That's…quite brave," remarked Arian. "She must have been quite a character."

"Yes. She was quite far from a demure maiden, to say the least. …But she was a very good fighter. She was one of the few in the Guild that could go toe to toe with my dad and win. The same with Melchior and Mitrofan. …There must be an appeal to women like her. Apparently, she was quite a catch for some back when she was still single, to the point that even Dad - before he got married to Mom, of course - was interested in her."

Ah yes, so this setting almost had a ‘Crossblades’ team of its own, huh? Just with a less soggy swordsman. /s

Though I would never have guessed that in a million years with how different Zenobia is to how Rufina’s personality being described here. I suppose there is some sort of appeal for Mercenary types for a battle couple that can work out in the field and at home together.

"But Mitrofan snatched her up, did he?"

"Yes. …Though, the way you word it makes it almost sound like he kidnapped her," Elvira remarked bemusedly.

"N-No! I didn't mean it like that!" Arian couldn't help but laugh at his wording. Afterwards, though, he adopted a more serious expression, feeling slightly guilty about it. "I didn't mean to say that. I know Mitrofan was a good man once."

Arian: “Even if that’s still kind of a really weird thing to stop and think about considering how he almost killed us multiple times since we met him.” .-.

"I know what you're trying to say, Arian. And yes, Mitrofan and Rufina did fall in love, and married as most couples do. Soon afterwards, they had their first child, Stiliyan, and had two more in the years to come." Her face then fell. "To think, mere children like them being held hostage… If our theory of Tsar Kliment is true really could’ve done such a thing, then that's despicable.”

[ ]

“It just tears me up inside since It's especially heartbreaking when I knew them personally… and even more heartbreaking I don’t know if the alternative is any better. I’m not sure if I could handle knowing to think that they could be were dead…"

"Too right. That's why we need to get to the bottom of this," Arian said, feeling for his partner. "It's just like what you said, Elvira - it's best for all parties that the truth comes out. Now come on." He got up from his bed. "We're not going to find the answer sitting here. Let's do a mission and see what intel we can find. Even tidbits of info might help us."

Went out on a limb a little bit, but left some suggestions for tweaking Elvira’s dialogue to be a bit smoother and beat around the bush a bit less.

"...If you insist, Arian," the Treecko sighed, and followed him out of the room.

Elvira: “Seriously, Arian. If Melchior didn’t know anything, what are the odds that anyone else does?” >_>;

Meanwhile, that night…

Nikita strolled the halls of Iria Castle. The castle might've taken on a regally impressive appearance during the day, but at night, while still retaining some of that grandeur, most of that had been taken over by the creation of darkness, and shadowy shapes formed from the glow of the bright moon and lit candles.

Over the centuries, claims of dead spirits roaming the halls were not unheard of among servants, and even members of House Ruslan sometimes insisted on the castle being haunted. However, for every claim, there were an abundance of naysayers rubbishing such stories as twaddle, and that those making these claims were merely hallucinating or imagining things.

Nikita: “Also, that’s kinda another day ending in ‘y’ for me when my bones literally gather ghostfire on them.” ^^;

It was easy to say Iria Castle wasn't a haunted place. But patrolling the corridors at night, Nikita could see how some would claim it was haunted. After all, darkness was the best friend of a ghost, and compared with the lack of night vision present in many Pokémon, it would perhaps be understandable to think that moving shadows could be mistaken for spirits. Especially if one's wits were not kept around them.

So Ghost-types have darkvision in this setting. Duly noted. Though that makes me wonder if Nikita’s jumpscared any castle guards on the night shift in the past.

This was never the case with Nikita, though. The Marowak always made sure to be on full alert at all times during his nightly patrol. However, this was not to keep his eyes peeled for malevolent spirits. A previous him would no doubt have been quivering and shaking enough to make his mother's skull rattle.

But now, as a Ghost-type himself, he was at one with spirits, and the ghostly flames on his bone acted as illumination to seek out any potential assassins. They were his prey, and he had acted against a number of them who'd managed to sneak into the castle to murder Mitrofan. Safe to say, his quick diligence in dealing with them made him become known as a terror when it came to protecting his leader.

This paragraph feels a bit long and unwieldy at the moment. It might be worth rendering it as two separate smaller ones. Though I see that Nikita was one of those Cubone, and I was right about the jump scare, just off about who it was directed at and how serious the outcome would be.

Some even compared him to Afanasiy, known as the Shadow of the Tsar and ward close to Ruslan, the first tsar of Selenia. However, given Mitrofan's disdain for adopting the title of ‘Tsar’, Nikita had opted for similar scorn when someone said that to him, even if they meant it as a compliment. And just as Mitrofan was known for ruthlessness towards those who dared transgression towards him, so too did Nikita adopt a similar line towards those who crossed him too.

Oh, so there was an institution analogous to the Okhrana in Selenia from that sort of description of … probably. Maybe.

Though wait, what is Mitty’s title as a ruler at the moment anyways?

Once a Haunter servant wished to scare him by hiding in a suit of armour and see if he could experience anything beyond anger and indifference. Nikita saw through his prank, beat the servant savagely with his club, and the Haunter was docked pay altogether for a solid month for this transgression. A punishment imposed by Mitrofan, once he saw the ire being exuded by his subordinate and the truth was extracted from the servant.

I mean… you were goofing off on the job with the head bodyguard. Even if Nikita likely was a bit harsh there, there was exactly no way that that was ever going to be suffered well, just saying.

The relationship between the two of them was viewed as a bit one-sided, mocked by some as a master and servant relationship by those of a tsarist disposition. (Of course, these views weren't vocalised in front of either of them, for fear of repercussions.) But Nikita refused to have it any other way. For all Mitrofan had done for him, he would gladly stay by his side until either one of them keeled over. And in the case that Mitrofan was first, maybe not even then.

Okay, what is your story with Mitty, Nikita? Since just saying, a lot of people’s kids aren’t this devoted to their own parents.

"You'll be guarding Mitt's graveside when he eventually passes away," Spiridon had joked to him one day. "Just like that old Alban tale of Kirkyard Cúán, the Poochyena servant that wouldn't leave his master's grave. That's how attached you are to him. Seriously, Niki, your devotion to him is something else. You aren't like the Shadow of the Tsar - you put him to shame!"

TIL about Greyfriars Bobby, which I assume was what this story Kirkyard Cúán is based on. Admittedly my first instinct was Hachiko since I’m a weeb, but that’s less “waiting on a grave” there, and Greyfriars Bobby is definitely a lot closer to this in terms of details.

This attachment to Mitrofan that would make even the clingiest of mothers jealous, he couldn't deny. But there was no man in all of Ardalion who he held in higher regard. For all the Aggron had done for him, he couldn't be more thankful to him.

The charity of him when he as a young Cubone was all but a walking skeleton was something he would never forget.

Oh, so Nikita is basically Evil!Noctum minus the wings and tail flame. Sounds like his backstory is about as unenviable, too. I definitely wasn’t expecting that, but that would explain a thing or two about the amount of personal loyalty he has to Mitty.

[ ]

"A table for two, please. I'd like to get this boy something to eat. He'll be dining with me."

[ ]

"Him? I am sorry, Guildmaster Mitrofan, but we have standards in this restaurant. We cannot serve a filthy tramp like him with a history of thievery and pickpocketing."

Kinda feel like there should be a bit more scene-setting in this flashback, but wow, asshole waiter. Just wow.

"...What a vile way to treat someone. He's only a boy, forced to live on the streets! Do you not see how languished he is? Have you no empathy for someone of his background? Would it truly kill you to admit him?"

[ ]


"...We cannot allow a ragged thief into our restaurant, Guildmaster. Please understand that we in Lysagora's White Swan have standards that we must - "

Can’t tell if Mitty is about to just turn and leave or promptly deck the doorman/waiter here.

"You don't appear to be listening. …Very well. I shall simply enjoy dinner at another restaurant. There are many more in town that would be humbled by the patronage of the Irian Guild's guildmaster and wouldn't mind the presence of a homeless Cubone. And afterwards, I would be all too willing to inform House Lysagora of this appalling lack of empathy."

[ ]


"Y-You wouldn't! L-Lord Gerasim frequents this restaurant! L-Lady S-Svetlana too! Y-Your threats won't work on us!"

Mitrofan: “Your tone of voice begs otherwise. Or should I go and have an audience with Lord Gerasim or Lady Svetlana before I go and get that bite, hm?”

"...Don't pretend to lie. It's not becoming of a bellhop of a restaurant this prestigious. I shall simply ask Lord Gerasim later, and he can tell me the truth. Which judging by the look on your face, is not what you are telling me!

[ ]

"A table for two. I won't ask again. If you don't, I will take my patronage elsewhere and spread the word of your disgraceful service. I'll tell Lord Gerasim as well. Would a highly-regarded restaurant like yours want bad publicity that could severely damage your reputation?"

[ ]

"...Very well. I'll find the two of you a table."

Well, someone got a bit less physically intimidating than I expected, though I do wonder if we should’ve seen a bit more of some scene setting and of how Nikita remembers this whole episode. Like was he busy hiding behind Mitrofan and cringing during the whole encounter? Was he on the verge of tears after being singled out as a thief? Lotsa blank spots at the moment for a sequence that clearly is a very formative memory for Nikita here.

It had shocked Nikita just how much Mitrofan pushed that bellhop, all for his sake. But when he saw that the Aggron's sincerity was genuine and when he finally got some food - good food, not whatever scraps he could find - in his belly, he couldn't be more grateful. For the first time in what seemed like forever, the then Cubone felt happy.

I see that even in Ardalion, that “through his stomach” is a fairly reliable way to win a Pokémon’s loyalty.

Then things only got better. Mitrofan, knowledgeable of his squalor, offered to bring him back to Iria and stay in the Irian Guild, where he would have food and shelter. He couldn't say yes quickly enough to this the offer, and so it was arranged.

And as it turned out, Mitrofan also had a need for a personal assistant after the previous one retired. Though he assured Nikita he didn't have to take up the role, given his young age and weakened stature, the Cubone was all too eager to oblige, as a way to pay the guildmaster back for his kindness.

… I’m just realizing. But are Alolan morphs regional and particular to specific spots of Ardalion, or did Nikita get stuck with the twiggy morph post-evolution precisely because he had a twiggy phase as a Cubone?

Being called a runt all of his life also made him want to see to the reversal of that. So he saw to training to build up some semblance of strength. His poor physique was a notable handicap at first, but after finally having access to regular, healthy foods for the first time in his life, he gradually began to overcome this difficulty he'd had all of his life. He built up his constitution over time, and when he evolved into a Marowak, his body was graced with lean muscle, and his combat capabilities became a lot more versatile, especially with the new ghostly flames that were at his command.

Whelp, I suppose I’ll be keeping an eye out for background Marowak chilling around Selenia to see how regional morphs work in this setting.

(Weirdly, he'd heard from Spiridon in more recent times that some girls fancied him. This, He wasn't sure how to take the revelation. He came to the conclusion that relationships were an ultimate distraction from his duty, so he chose not to pursue them.)

Um… I’m pretty sure that that’s not healthy of you, Nikita.

And now, in this new age of Selenia, he was a figure to be feared, and was one of Mitrofan's most capable men. His enemies viewed him as a real threat, and past rebels based plans on trying to lure him away from Mitrofan to assassinate the Aggron. Naturally, they underestimated his attachment to Mitrofan, and so such their plans inevitably ended in failure.

Oh, so he’s more or less by nature destined to be the second-to-last boss fight before Mitrofan, huh?

Speaking of his superior…maybe it was time to get back to him. After all, it had all been quiet and uneventful, and there was seemingly nothing to worry about. He was probably asleep by this hour. Checking up on him, Nikita decided, was the best course of action.

Or he could be brooding in a corner and

-ing over his wife and kids. That works, too.

He opened the door gently to Mitrofan's room, so as not to wake him up. As it turned out though, this was unnecessary. For when he walked in, he saw that the bed was unoccupied. By the looks of its unfolded state, the Aggron seemed to have gotten out of bed after getting into it.

The room was one of sheer opulence, a leftover from the days of the tsars. The bed's fabrics were made from the finest silk, and the curtains around the four-poster bed were dyed a fine violet. The carpets were of a similarly lavish design, with all manner of patterns weaved into it. It looked fit for a king - or a tsar, and indeed, the now deceased Tsar Kliment and Tsarina Yelizaveta were the previous owners of the room.

Nikita: “Even if I’m not sure how Mitrofan doesn’t find it at least slightly off-putting to sleep in a dead ‘mon’s sheets.” .-.

"I can't express how much I dislike this level of luxury," Mitrofan had remarked once to Nikita about the bedroom that he now slept in. "But…it's been made already. It would be a waste to do away with it all. Instead, I must resist the vice of laziness that this place cultivates. Nikita…see to it that I do not fall into that trap like so many others previous residents of this castle have."

Just saying, nobody was forcing you not to just move your furniture into the palace, Mitty. You can admit that you like the silk bedding like a normal Pokémon.

And so Nikita made sure the former guildmaster kept vigilant. Thankfully, Mitrofan seemed to deal with this problem himself, barely using the room except to go to bed, and sometimes not even then. Insomnia wasn't unheard of with the Aggron, and so sometimes he never slept.

Okay, yeah, Mitty’s totally

-ing over his wife and kids right now.

The sight before Nikita, therefore, was not uncommon. For a split second, the Marowak panicked, wondering where Mitrofan was. But he collected himself once he looked to the balcony door, which was open.

There stood the Aggron, looking out at the night sky. The moon was full and shone brightly, and the sky was a canvas of stars with not a cloud in the sky. Lights from the city below them provided illumination, and altogether, the balcony provided a commanding view to be envied by many.

Ah yes, a king and his loyal subordinate just chilling and looking down on his realm over chit-chat. That one is certainly familiar. Funny how stories undergo convergent evolution like that.

However, if Nikita knew Mitrofan, he knew that he would not be admiring the view. Usually, if he was staring into space like this…it meant that matters of the heart plagued him.

"...Can't sleep, Master Mitrofan?" Nikita asked, walking to the balcony's doorway.

"...No, Nikita, I cannot," came the Aggron's reply, without turning his back.

"Insomnia again, is it? ...Is something keeping you up?" the Marowak wondered.

Mitrofan: “Obviously if I have insomnia right now.”

Nikita: “... Is this about Rufina again, or…?”

Mitrofan remained silent for a short while, before muttering an answer.

"...Reminiscing."

"Reminiscing? …About what, exactly?"

"...Rufina."

Nikita: “I mean, I suppose that I should’ve seen that one coming. (Not that ‘the children’ would’ve been much better, huh?)” .-.

"...Oh." Nikita immediately understood the Aggron's melancholy. "...Is this because of your conversation with Dalibor the other day?"

"It could very well be. And I won't lie…it's torn open a wound of the past that never fully healed." Mitrofan gave a long, sombre sigh. "...Right now, I'm trying to remember the finer points of our life together, Rufina and I.”

[ ]

“Sadness is an emotion I've become all too familiar with sadness during her absence. Therefore So I wanted to try, I'm trying to reclaim even some of that happiness, we shared together to cope with this resurgence of despair. it… Even if it won't change the current reality of things."

He looked to the sky, thinking back to younger days. Days when he was just a mercenary working for the Irian Guild…all before his life descended into what it had become since five years ago.

Back when I knew what joy and happiness were…

Some more suggestions for paragraph formatting, though we’re about to get another flashback of bygone times, huh?

[ ]

"So that's the story, Guildmaster Yaromir," a Durant said, inside the Guildmaster's Office in the Irian Guild. "Don't get me wrong, you've all been very nice to me here in the Guild. It's just…I don't think I'm cut out for the merc business."

[ ]


"Hmm…" a Wyrdeer, the aforementioned Guildmaster Yaromir, hummed, looking over the form before him. It was the one the Guild prescribed for mercenaries to disband their teams if they so wished. Two signatures lay at the bottom of the form. "Are you sure about this, Narcyz?"

"I'm certain, Guildmaster," Narcyz, the Durant, replied. "Much as I hate to say it, I don't think this is the right career path for me. I might be better off working in construction like my dad."

See the earlier recommendations about having more scene details as part of these flashbacks, since it’d help a lot for visualizing this moment and introducing the characters a bit more organically. Though I snerked at the idea of a construction Durant. Definitely very on-brand thematically.

"I see. …And what of you, Mitrofan?" Yaromir turned to the Lairon next to Narcyz. "What are you going to do now?"

Oh, so that’s why this Durant is part of Mitrofan’s flashback. I wonder what his old team name used to be, though.

[ ]

"...I still want to work here, Guildmaster," Mitrofan, a Lairon at this point in time, replied. "Being a mercenary's still my passion. …I could maybe form a team with someone else?"

"You could. You could certainly be an auxiliary member for other teams, at the very least," suggested the Wyrdeer suggested. "...We'll see about getting you another team member of your own. In the meantime, though…" He turned back to Narcyz. "...I bid you farewell, Narcyz. Though it was short, your presence in the Guild was appreciated. I wish you luck wherever you end up."

That actually makes me wonder if we’re ever going to see Narcyz again in the story, since you did explicitly namedrop him here…

"Thanks, Guildmaster." The Durant then turned to his partner. "Good luck, Mitt. Hope you find a partner better than me. Someone who's more in line with what a merc should be."

[ ]


"...Good luck to you too, Narcyz," Mitrofan returned, as the Durant headed for the door. "Hopefully, you can find the path that suits you best."

Well, someone sounds more than a little disappointed right now. But I suppose it’d only be natural with the way that Mitty loved the guild life.

Narcyz left the room. With his now ex-partner gone, Mitrofan turned back to Yaromir.

"Hmm…you know, Mitrofan, if you're looking for a partner to set a team…then I have a candidate in mind." The guildmaster went through the files in his desk, before pulling out one.

Oh, so this is how he met Rufina, huh?

Mitrofan gazed at the paper. It was a form for dissolution into the Guild. He looked down at the first name signed at the bottom.

Wait, ‘dissolution’? Not ‘admission’ there? Or is the idea very specifically that Rufina was breaking up her own team concurrent to this?

"...Rufina?"

Yeah, I knew it.

"Yes. Rufina. She's a Fraxure. Quite temperamental and easy to pick a fight with, but a powerful fighter. She's been an auxiliary for some time, but she's longed to make a mercenary team with someone else who, in her words, 'she can get on with.'”

[ ]

“I'm afraid, however, that many have simply looked the other way around her." Yaromir looked into the Lairon's eyes. "...But would you like to give her a try anyway?"

Mitrofan: “... I’m sorry, but why are you trying to saddle me with the ‘mon that everyone thinks has personality problems again?”

Yaromir: “Because I think that if you two manage to open up to each other, that you’ll get along much better than anyone thinks.”

Mitrofan considered the guildmaster's offer. She sounds like a handful, he thought. But if her goals and mine are the same…then what's the harm in forming a team with her? Maybe she and I might see eye to eye.

"...I think I will, Guildmaster."

I’d put up the Bubsy reaction meme right now, but I suppose that we know that in the end, everything worked out for these two… well, up until Rufina and the kids poofed into thin air, but we’re not at that part yet.

"Yup. Rufina, that's me. …So you're the guy who Old Man Yaromir told me to talk to? Mitrofan, huh?"

Mitrofan was in the Guild's dining hall at the minute, opposite the Fraxure who had introduced herself. Judging by her tone, she didn't appear too taken with him. Guess this is what the guildmaster was warning me about. If I want to get her on side, I have to make a good first impression.

Oh, so these flashbacks do have descriptive paragraphs and not just dialogue paragraphs. Duly noted, then. Though I hope that at least in the future, that we see more of these.

"Yes. That's me," he began. "I'm without a team at the minute, and I'm looking to form a new one."

[ ]


"No team? Any reason for that?" Rufina inquired.

"...My teammate felt he was out of his depth, and wanted out," Mitrofan explained. "...I can't say I blame him. Not all of us are cut out to be mercenaries."

It probably makes sense to show off Rufina’s reaction a bit more explicitly here, e.x. if she’s still being standoffish or if she’s starting to open up a bit.

"Oh, you too? I had the same problem," the Fraxure revealed. "Pansy of a teammate decided to wimp out because 'oh, being a mercenary's not a real job'! Obviously, I couldn't work with someone like that, so we broke it off! Tch!" she fumed. "If you don't want to be a merc, then don't join the damn Guild in the first place!"

[ ]


"...I'm sorry to hear it wasn't successful," Mitrofan tried to condole.

"Don't be! He only wanted a merc team with me because he thought I was like other girls!" Rufina continued to rant. "If he wants someone like that, he needs to go somewhere else! I hated his chat-up lines and sweet-talking me like I'm some damsel in distress! Why the hell am I here then, instead of cooking dinners for a husband, raising two children and being pregnant with a third? If he wants that out of me, forget it! I hope he never knows what it's like to have pleasure with a woman!"

Sounds like Rufina’s wants in life wound up evolving along with her. Can’t speak for the cooking, but the “three kids” part definitely wound up coming to pass of her own accord. The last sentence definitely caught me off-guard a bit, though I suppose that that’s a sign that Rufina’s certainly forward, since I can already hear a few of their nearby guildmates choking on their food at the moment.

Mitrofan fought to keep a straight face at the dragon's last remark. "…Y-You needn't be worried, Rufina," he assured. "I am not in this job for love. To help those in need, whoever they are, wherever they are…that, in my view, is a mercenary's priority. Love always comes second before our duty to help our clients."

Don’t worry, you two. I’m sure that we’ll get a chance for the rickroll music in due time.

"And to bash the skulls of outlaws in," added Rufina. "That's what I'm in this business for. I hope you don't have a problem with that?"

Well, someone really is the aggressive type if her instinct visiting the mission board is just to beeline towards the Outlaw missions. I can already hear a few portions of my collective cast herd

-ing from across the multiverse.

[ ]

"'Bash their skulls in'...you don't mean…" Mitrofan wondered, not bothering to finish.

"What, kill them?" Rufina guffawed at this. "If I did that, I'd be behind bars instead of here! You know the Guild's policy around that kind of thing!"

Rufina: “Even if they should really consider amending that since it’d make my life a lot easier. Nothing gets old faster than having to drag in repeat reoffenders.”

[ ]

"...Fair point." The Lairon realised the futility of his question. "Well…we seem to be alike in our goals. Let's put our teamwork to the test with a mission, shall we?"

"I like the way you think," the Fraxure complimented, flashing a slight smile. "A hands-on experience is always best. So let's go! Our first mission as Team…" She trailed off, realising something important.

"Crap. We never came up with a name."

I mean, just saying, if you hadn’t blown off that one Grovyle quietly crushing on you from the sidelines, you could’ve also had a heroic team called the ‘Crossblades’. /s

"Oh," realised Mitrofan. "Well…" Instantly, he began to brainstorm potential names. The first few, he thought to take in the qualities of both him and Rufina. She's a Fraxure, and I'm a Lairon…hmm…

One suggestion came to mind - a portmanteau of their two species' defining characteristics - and he voiced it.[/I]

"Silver Axe."

Whelp, we’ve got a name. Though I kinda wonder if it’d have made sense to show off more of the process of Mitty internally playing around with different names before settling on ‘Silver Axe’ here.

"Silver Axe? …Team Silver Axe…" Rufina pronounced the words to see if it sounded right. "...I like the sound of that! And you came up with it in no time at all! Better than my old teammate - he took ages before deciding on 'Team Slasher'." She grimaced at the name. "Yeah…Probably should've taken that as a sign that it wouldn't last."

>inb4 Rufina’s old teammate was a Dewott

I mean, just because there aren’t exactly a shortage of slash-y Pokémon out there doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be a cute internal homage. :V

"I can only agree with you," Mitrofan replied, concurring with the name's unoriginality. "But let's put our unfortunate breakups behind us, and look to the future."

"Sure thing, Mitrofan. …Let's show the world that Team Silver Axe has something to prove."

Okay, now I can use the meme:

Even if it probably wasn’t all that bad considering that Mitty made it as far as taking over Yaromir’s position down the road.

[ ]

"My, Silver Rank, already?" Yaromir remarked, as he watched the Fraxure and Lairon before him file their certificates away. "You're moving up the ranks fast."

"Too right," Rufina proudly stated. "We've worked our asses off to climb the ranks this quickly. Luckily, we work very well together, Mitt and me. Isn't that right, partner?" She turned to the Lairon.

I feel that this is another spot where showing off some more scene-setting would probably be called for, since I’m not really sure when or where this is supposed to be happening.

"Yes. Our synergy is really coming together," Mitrofan praised. "We've barely been together two months, but already I can say that Rufina's been a very reliable partner. …It's certainly becoming satisfying to hunt down outlaws with her."

Oh, so this is how Mitty wound up slowly getting inured to violence with time, huh?

That had been their primary focus; the hunting down of outlaws. Rufina hadn't been kidding when she said she loved this, and Mitrofan had gone along with her. Of course, he insisted that they do some rescue and material-gathering missions to balance it out on the lighter days as well as solve problems in the same Dungeon as an outlaw request. The Fraxure accepted, but that didn't stop her tearing ferals apart on these missions and giving her all in these battles.

I see that the “thou shalt not kill” part of the Mercenary Code doesn’t apply to ferals. Do I want to know how literally she tore those ferals apart?

Part of Mitrofan was apprehensive about this aspect of his new partner. But…strangely, another side of him rather liked her more ferocious side, and something within him yearned to see her unleash her brutal nature on wild Pokémon whenever they encountered any of them. He wasn't sure why, but…there was something about her blunt, straightforward nature that, while admittedly a slight repellent at first, he'd come to enjoy from her.

Okay, yeah, this totally helped inure Mitty towards wielding violence towards what he saw as positive ends, I can already tell. Especially if it was triggering those “gods, you’re hot when you do that” buttons in him when around Rufina.

"Well, glad to see you two have settled in nicely as a team," praised the Guildmaster. "...You know…You're among possibly the most eye-catching array of rising stars I've seen crop up in this guild in the last while. Team Marshwood are proving to be very capable, but your efforts are just as commendable as theirs."

Actually… considering how it was mentioned earlier in this chapter that once upon a time, that Kallias was crushing on Rufina, that makes me wonder if those two teams joined up for missions regularly or not.

[ ]


"Wow…thank you very much, Guildmaster," Mitrofan said, feeling honoured. What high praise, and from the Guildmaster himself, no less!

[ ]


"Keep it up, Team Silver Axe. You're doing a great service for the people. I hope your name becomes an inspiration for others in the years to come." With that wish, the Wyrdeer rose, and left the room.

Well, it was an inspiration for others… until it wasn’t thanks to Mitty having a normal one with Kliment and his family.

[ ]


"...Seems we're doing quite good together," Rufina noted. "Silver Rank already…Next thing you know, we'll be knocking on Gold and Platinum. …Hey, you think we can make it to Grandmaster Rank?"

Not that these two know that right about now, but still.

"...Maybe. But let's not get ahead of ourselves," Mitrofan advised. "That's still a long way off, and only the truly exceptional have been given the reward of Grandmaster Rank.”

[ ]

“…Let's just focus on putting one foot in front of the other. I think we have the potential to reach a high rank, but it will still be a while before we reach Gold Rank. But if we don't rest on our laurels and keep at it, then…it may come sooner than we expect."

Mitty’s dialogue here feels long-winded enough that it should probably be broken up into two parts.

"At least you ended on a good note. I'd hate for you to bring down the mood," the Fraxure said. "...Reaching a new rank…I think it's worthy of a celebration. Don't you think so, Mitt?"

"Hmm…We do have some earnings saved up that we could afford to spend a dinner on," Mitrofan ruminated. "And it is getting close to evening. …Sure. I'd be down to celebrate this recent victory."

I was half expecting Rufina to suggest celebrating with a battle given how rough-and-tumble she is, but a dinner works well, too.

"Great!" Rufina was very pleased to hear this. "You know the meaning of splashing out every once in a while. And now that we're moving up in the ranks…we'll have more money rolling in for these kinds of occasions.”

[ ]

“It's good to have someone like you around, Mitt, who can manage the finances and other shit like that. Not gonna lie…if it were up to me, we'd probably not be in the best situation money-wise."

Oh, so Rufina had a habit of collecting shinies back in the day, didn’t she? Since that would definitely burn a hole in one’s pocket.

"True." Mitrofan was fully aware of the dragon's affinity for evenings drinking in the local pub. "We make a good team, the two of us."

Oh boy, I can already see all the bar fights that Rufina used to get into.

"You said it." Rufina held out her hand, and that compelled Mitrofan to reach one of his forelegs out.

They then shook strongly, signifying their burgeoning bond as teammates.

But maybe not just as mercenary partners.

Perhaps…something more than that.

Okay, not that it wasn’t basically a fait accompli that they were going to wind up falling for each other romantically, but I wonder if it’d have make sense to give some sort of “platonic veering into romantic” line foreshadowing that they’re getting close. e.x. “Whenever I’m with you, I feel like I can take on the world.” or “It’s always nice spending time with you. Shame we didn’t team up together sooner” or something like that.

"No! It's not meant to be like this…"

It was meant to be a simple mission. Find some iron ore for a blacksmith in Miroslavsk that he needed for his business. It was one of their 'calmer' missions in between Rufina's thirst for outlaw bounties. It wasn't anything major, and Mitrofan intended for it to be that way. Just a simple mission, in and out of the Mystery Dungeon in no time at all.

Just saying, it’s always the “not too hard” missions that wind up throwing nasty surprises like this, Mitty.

However, they were in for a rude awakening. On one of the floors, they scoured the whole floor for the stairs. And when they came to the last possible place they could be…it turned out it was slap bang in the middle of the greatest bane of all Mystery Dungeon delvers.

A Monster House.

Mitrofan: “Uh… go, Petrify Orb-!”
Rufina: “Mitt, we don’t have one of those right now. And even if we did, that’s the boring way of handling things here.”

The duo were caught completely off guard, and worse still, they found they hadn't adequately prepared many items like petrify or slumber orbs that would make the ordeal easier. Getting through the horde of ferals seemed to be the only option.

Rufina: “Cue the beatdown music!”

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq_plVrBPx4

Mitrofan: “Uh, Rufina? I think that this is supposed to be a genuinely tense and dangerous moment, and-”

Unfortunately, they were massively outnumbered. Rufina found this out the hard way, after finding herself overwhelmed by the sheer number of wild Pokémon ganging up on them. Now she had fainted, and only Mitrofan, who wasn't exactly in the best of shape himself, was still standing. They had expended nearly all their reviver seeds in trying to repel the numbers, and the hope of getting through was beginning to dim.

Mitrofan: “Yeah, that’s why I was saying that the triumphant music was premature!”

The stairs, Mitrofan could see. But the horde, though thinned by their efforts, was still a huge obstacle for them. A clean dash through to the stairs was impossible.

Mitrofan grit his teeth, looking at the Pokémon cornering him. Various Rhyhorn, Lileep, Loudred, Skarmory and Simisage crept up on him, each preparing to move in for the kill. The downed Fraxure was an ideal target for them, as was the waning Lairon trying to put up a brave front.

One Rhyhorn that Mitrofan was focused on moved in to attack.

Mitrofan: “Come on, upbeat anime music from nowhere. Don’t fail me now! (Seriously, how did Rufina do that? Does she have a Frism in her bag or something?)”

"Get away!" snarled the Lairon, unleashing an Iron Head upon his adversary. His armoured skull crashed against the Rhyhorn, and it was launched back, going unconscious with only a whimper.

Mitrofan turned to face his other opponents. However, in that moment, he realised that something was different since taking out that Rhyhorn. Specifically, something different about him. An energy was suddenly coming over him, and he realised that this feeling was a familiar one.

…Back when he was an Aron.

Am I…? Oh please, let it be so! I need power more than anything right now!

Monster House:

Mitrofan: “Nice try, you’ll have to do better than that!”

Soon, white energy came over him, and his body began to morph and change. The one instantly apparent to him was his rise onto his hind legs, and his forelegs seemed to morph into hand-like claws as he felt himself shift to a more bipedal stance. He definitely felt a huge increase in size and bulk, and his tail lengthened and thickened. Two horns sprouted from his armoured head, and pauldron-like armour formed at his new shoulders. Mitrofan opened his eyes, and saw that he now had quite the height advantage. As well as that, it felt as if a reservoir of power had been into him, and now adrenaline coursed through his veins. Suddenly…it was as if all the enemies before him, once a source of fear, were now effortless obstacles to brush aside.

He knew this feeling. He'd felt it before, when he evolved from an Aron into a Lairon.

And now…he felt it again, as he stood as an Aggron.

Monster House:

Mitrofan: “Oh, I’m gonna like this.”

The evolution high…

His gaze happened upon the now noticeably smaller Rufina. He reminded himself that she was the ultimate priority. As her partner, I can't leave her. I need to get her out of here first so I can heal her up. He looked towards the stairs, which was still blocked by multiple Pokémon.

Well then…let's see what this new body can do, he thought to himself with a smirk.

Mitrofan: “You were right, Rufina! It really was a good time for the triumphant music!” ^.^
Rufina: “Huh? Mitt, what’s going on? Why’s the room spinning?” @.@

He launched an Iron Tail at a nearby Lileep, and was pleasantly surprised by the force of the attack, which was now much stronger with his new, much heavier tail. He tested out his other moves, which all produced just as satisfying results; Iron Head easily swatted away a Skarmory, while the boulders from Rock Slide seemed to pack an even greater punch against the ferals.

He seemed to be carving a way through, much to his delight. A clear path through to the stairs was in sight.

Whelp, time to see how fast an Aggron can run with a Base 50 Speed stat.

Great. Let's get out of here! Mitrofan thought, as he leaned down to pick up Rufina in his arms (a new sensation to him). Then he barged through, pushing all remaining ferals aside to climb up the steps.

To his luck, the room the Aggron arrived in on the next floor had no wild Pokémon immediately visible. That meant he could focus on reviving Rufina.

I think that the underlined here probably works a bit better describing what the actual process of getting onto the next floor and realizing “oh, it’s quiet again” and Mitty gradually calming down again looks like.

He dug through their bag, searching for the item he was looking for. Luckily, his new form made it much easier to rummage. He parted oran berries, apples, and orbs, until he found it - a lone remaining reviver seed. Mitrofan gave it to her, and soon the Fraxure was roused from unconsciousness.

…And nearly falling back into it when she saw her partner.

"Whoa! What the hell?! You evolved, Mitt?!"

Mitrofan: “Um… surprise? Though for the record, that music you teed up in the background wound up working a lot better than I thought it would.” ^^;

"...I did, indeed." Mitrofan didn't bother to suppress his pride in this achievement. "I'm an Aggron now. …And I couldn't be happier."

A still staggered Rufina looked her partner's new form over. "Hot damn…" she remarked, unable to get over just what a growth spurt Mitrofan had gone through in his evolution. She knew Aggron were by no means tiny, but…looking up at him, she couldn't help but voice her thoughts on the matter. "I feel like a right midget now."

Oh right, Aggron evolves 6 levels before Haxorus does. I suppose that’s a sign to hit up the curry and experience candies, Rufina.

"Don't sweat it. You'll probably evolve yourself before long," assured the Aggron. "Then you won't be as small to me."

[ ]

"...Yeah. Maybe it's time to really focus on that," the Fraxure decided. "That's my new goal now; to evolve into a Haxorus. And I'm gonna give it my all towards achieving that!"

Honestly a little surprised that Rufina didn’t banter a bit about “don’t get too used to the view up there” or something pithy like that. Though I’m going to chalk that up to “something something, she’s starting to act different towards her eventual hubby”.

"I'll support you all the way," Mitrofan assured. "...But let's finish this mission first. Let's not forget why we're here to begin with."

The Aggron turned to head towards one of the room's exits. However, his new bipedal stance proved to be a test for him in that moment. One step proved awkward, and before he realised it, he had fallen face-first to the ground.

Mitrofan: “... Ow. How do you move around like this anyways, Rufina?”

"Oww…" he moaned. "Damn this new stance! Being on four legs was much easier!"

Yeah, I figured. :p

Combined with the sight before her and the remark of her partner, Rufina burst out in laughter, clutching her stomach with how much she was laughing. And Mitrofan, seeing the humour of the situation and finding the Fraxure's laughter contagious, joined in.

It was an evident sign of great relations, Much as Yaromir had predicted, that the two were getting on very well indeed.

Relations great Well enough… for their relations to transform into something else.

A couple phrasing tweaks I’d suggest. IMO, if you’re going to go the “told” route, it probably makes sense to dovetail it back into something like Yaromir’s commentary when looping them in together to form a team or something like that.

Platinum Rank. It had once seemed a distant fantasy to achieve such a high standing to Mitrofan, when he was merely a rookie in his previous team with Narcyz.

But now, after many months of slaving away at missions and outlaw hunting, Team Silver Axe had achieved just that. It was a remarkably short time for a team to achieve Platinum Rank that quickly, Yaromir had noted, given that many other mercenary teams often took at least two years to get to that stage. And yet, Mitrofan and Rufina had achieved it in less than that time.

In that time, more had been achieved. Rufina had seen to getting stronger in order to evolve. She upped the amount of the time she spent in training sessions, and gave her all when fighting ferals in Mystery Dungeons, sometimes going out of her way to hunt them down. Mitrofan encouraged her, and acted as backup in case things went south when fighting wild Pokémon. He also acted as a partner for her in training, seeking to keep his new form in shape and to fight with the new stance on being on hind legs.

Finally, her efforts paid off. One day while training, she found her form changing to a bigger dragon with axe-like tusks and yellowish-green scales. There was a whoop of delight from her, and Mitrofan could only congratulate his partner on achieving her goal.

Okay, not that you necessarily want to throw in multiple scenes of these random missions, but I do wonder if it’d make sense for this long summary sequence here to be replaced with some sort of shorter explicit depiction of the training session where Rufina evolved, since this is a lot of “told” action that I’m not sure necessarily benefits from being all summarized like this.

It wasn't long after this that they reached Platinum Rank. This was a cause for celebration, and so the duo found themselves in The Dragon's Rest, a pub and inn in Iria that Rufina frequented. Mitrofan came to know it well, and got to know a number of regulars there.

I should be a lot less surprised that Rufina likes this place with a name like that. Even if I kinda wonder if it’d have made sense to have at least mentioned it in passing earlier such as that one moment where it’s mentioned that she’s a fan of bar-hopping.

But now Team Silver Axe was a name on the rise, and a number of patrons cheered the group as they walked in and sat down at a table.

Oh, so these two are quite the big deal, especially if they’re getting a cut of the impromptu cheers and well-wishing pie that Team Marshwood used to get.

[ ]

"A toast for greater times to come," Mitrofan proclaimed, when the wine was brought to them. The innkeeper had some in the pantry for special occasions, and allowed the duo to have it given their accomplishments.

IMO, the underlined works better coming before Mitrofan speaks up for his toast there as opposed to being brought up after the fact like this.

"Hear, hear," Rufina seconded, holding up her own glass. "It's all going so well…I hope it can keep being like this."

"As long as we don't rest on our laurels and get complacent, we should be alright," Mitrofan assured. "Some mercenary teams have done just that in the past and it's never ended well for them. Using their earnings to indulge in luxury and lose themselves to the vice of laziness…it's unfortunately an easy trap to fall into once a team becomes famous."

Can’t tell if that’s a sign that they inevitably flame out in a dungeon, or if they devolve into debasing themselves for “I’m Commander Shephard”-tier ad spots and coasting off easy money.

"...Good thing you're around to keep me in order," the Haxorus thanked. "I might well have fallen into that trap if you're weren't around to keep me restrained." She downed her glass of wine, and grabbed the bottle to refill it.

I honestly wouldn’t have guessed based on Rufina’s past behavior. I wonder if it’d make sense for her to have a moment where she alludes to wanting to make it big and coast such that this is a moment where we see how her wants have changed thanks to Mitty’s influence.

"If you say so. But…I have to thank you too, Rufina," Mitrofan returned. "You're braver than I am. You're the one choosing the challenging missions that yield high rewards. I was always a cautious sort as a rookie.”

[ ]

“…Perhaps too cautious. I might have still remained in Bronze Rank if you hadn't shown up. Together, with you…I feel the will to be more daring, to face up against challenging foes and delve into Mystery Dungeons I would have shuddered to even think about entering."

Well, we certainly know that Mitty threw his risk averseness out the window and then some as part of his coup, so… yeah, I suppose that bit of influence from Rufina certainly stuck with him.

"...Yeah. We really compliment each other's weaknesses," noted Rufina, taking another swig of wine. "You think that's the formula to our success?"

"Possibly. Whatever we do…it's certainly working." Mitrofan took a sip of his own wine. "...You're a great teammate, Rufina. I wouldn't want anyone else as my mercenary partner."

[ ]

"...Really?" Rufina had not expected such high praise for her partner. "No one else? Are you serious, Mitt? Do you really mean it?"

This is going to lead to them getting tipsy and confessing their love to each other, isn’t it?

"...I do," the Aggron replied. "Like I said, you've really helped me to overcome my anxieties about taking on challenging missions and facing off against dangerous outlaws. As I see it, Team Silver Axe is a joint effort between us as leaders. There is no one 'boss' of the team.”

[ ]

“We stand for each other. Neither of us are perfect, of course; that is merely the way we are as Pokémon. But…the way we cover for our weaknesses is near to a perfect combination. I mean it when I say that no one else could take your place for me."

Another paragraph that feels like it might benefit from being cut up into smaller pieces.

"Mitt…"

The Haxorus felt incredibly touched by his words. He could be quite kind when he wanted to be, but this was perhaps the most heartfelt thing she'd heard him say to her. It was definitely heartfelt - her partner was never one to lie or grossly exaggerate. Therefore, she saw his words as the absolute truth.

I kinda wonder if the underlined feels a bit too “informed attribute” at the moment. I wonder if there’s a way to show this off with some combination of mood / body language and short dialogue.

She was happy to hear this. Because…now she felt confident to admit a truth that she had only been more sure about in recent times.

"Me too, Mitt," she admitted. "I wouldn't want anyone else as my partner too! You always keep a level head and take care of all the complicated team stuff that I wouldn't be interested in at all. Like money.”

[ ]

“Really, Mitt…I don't know where I would be without you. Definitely not in Platinum Rank, that's for sure. What I'm trying to say is…you've made my life a whole lot better. I'm…glad you came into my life."

Ditto here.

"Rufina, you…really feel that way about me?" Mitrofan sounded surprised to hear this.

"Yes, Mitt. In fact, you know what? I'll just come right out and say it." The Haxorus gripped the table, and pushed it to the side. Then she got up, went over to Mitrofan and did something that drew the attention of just about everyone in the inn's dining room.

She kissed him right on the mouth.

Wew lad. Didn’t even need to get buzzed to just come out and say it.

Mitrofan: “... Oh, that’s… uh… quite the statement there.” O///O

Mitrofan's eyes widened in shock at this. But he was only more floored by what came next.

"I love you, Mitt!" Rufina exclaimed, once she retracted from the kiss.

So, is Mitt going to get in an “I love you, too” or ruin the moment? Since I could kinda see things going either way. :V

"Wh-What?!" Mitrofan cried out. "You…Rufina…you…" He was too flustered to form a complete sentence.

"Look, maybe it's just the alcohol talking. Maybe I'll regret admitting this and it'll screw this all up. But…" The Haxorus looked at her partner directly in the eye. "I really do love you, Mitt. Not just as a partner, but as a person too.”

“I don't know when I it started loving you. I think it was when you evolved and saved me from that Monster House. That's when I…really began to consider it. But now I'm sure more than ever! Mitt, I love you! I mean it!"

D’aww…

Even if I’m sure that there’s strong odds that this is going to get blotted out by in like two or three thousand words.

The sincere words Rufina’s confession took Mitrofan aback considerably. She…loves me. Romantically? Truly? She even kissed me…What do I say? I've never been in a situation like this! He briefly panicked, thinking of a response.

Aaaaand there he goes ruining the moment after all.

But he managed to compose himself internally and come to a conclusion. …Maybe it's time I take a leaf out of Rufina's book and unleash some brutal honesty of my own. I don't know how deep her love runs, but…it would be wrong to withhold my own feelings.

"I…appreciate your words, Rufina," the Aggron began. "And…you are very dear to me. Like I said, I wouldn't trade you as a mercenary partner for anyone else. …I must admit to you…I've never been in a relationship. I don't know what it means to romantically love someone. I've never had that feeling in my life.”

[ ]

“I've never been bold enough to give romance a shot. But…your bravery compels me to be honest, and so I…must admit what I think are my feelings." He took a breath, before admitting it.

"I love you too, Rufina."

It might make sense to have Rufina get a little concerned around the midpoint of Mitty’s dialogue paragraph there, which is long enough that it should probably be formatted as two smaller ones anyways.

"Mitt…" Tears of joy sprung from the Haxorus' eyes. "Oh, Mitt! Thank you so much!" She gave him a hug, as best she could with her short arms and his large bulk. "I…really thought I'd made a fool of myself there. …Please, Mitt, tell me it's true. You really love me?"

"I do, Rufina." Mitrofan smiled brighter than he thought he ever had in his whole life. "I'm…really glad you came into my life. You're the closest companion I've ever had, and I can't be thankful enough for it." He leaned forward, and Rufina's eyes widened, realising what he was about to do.

That actually makes me wonder if the peanut gallery is commenting at all during all of this, or if Rufina chose a quieter corner of the bar in anticipation that something like this would happen. Since you’d think that two locally famous mercenaries making out in public would draw a bit of a reaction.

She eagerly returned his gesture, kissing him passionately. Mitrofan in turn found his own bliss in kissing the woman who he admitted his love for. A new sensation, the greatest show of affection he'd ever received or reciprocated in his life until that point, was apparent to him.

Is this what love is…?

It makes people do crazy things. As I’m sure you can attest, Mitty.

Alas, to his immense dismay, Rufina broke off the kiss. A gesture of annoyance overtook her when her eyes saw the patrons with their eyes glued to the pair. None of them dared to make a sound, and all of their attention was focused on Team Silver Axe's newfound feelings for one another.

Oh, so the peanut gallery was watching during all of this. I can already see the stunned expressions on everyone’s faces.

"Hey, stop gawking!" she yelled out at them, before turning back to her partner. "...Mitt…maybe we should take this someplace else. Somewhere upstairs. Somewhere where we can have a bit of…privacy."

The look she gave him and the tone in which she delivered that last word made Mitrofan do a double take as he realised the implications of this. His heart raced, and a side glance towards their current audience made him realise that…he'd rather they didn't gaze at them like they were a theatre act.

Wew, just straight up going from first kiss to all the bases. These two clearly have wanted each other for a while now. Even if it makes me wonder if it should’ve been foreshadowed a bit more in the last 2-3 scenes where it might be more and more obvious that the two have feelings for each other such that going from “kiss” to straight into far more -ahem- intimate encounters feels a bit less accelerated.

… Granted, Rufina personality-wise is forward enough that I wouldn’t be that shocked if she was just a 0-100 type about intimacy.

He'd rather their epiphany of love take place somewhere where they wouldn't be interrupted.

And judging by Rufina's prior words…he definitely didn't want to be interrupted for what might be coming next for him.

Ah yes, I think I know where this is going...

"Hah…hah…" panted Rufina. "Wow…that was…something."

"It sure was." Mitrofan could only agree, as he lay next to her in their room's double bed. His heart was beating a mile a minute, in sheer exhilaration and partial disbelief at what had just happened in the past few minutes. Certainly, if he was told even this morning that it would culminate into this, he would laugh at the very thought.

How on earth is that bed even still in one piece after 465 kilos of dino/dragon getting up to steamy offscreen escapades on it? ^^;

But…it had come to pass. And though a voice in the back of his mind whined that it was morally wrong and he would be given hell for this if he found out, Mitrofan was sure about one thing.

I do not regret at all what I just did.

I feel like this wasn’t really established earlier on, especially since Rufina’s dialogue about how she felt about her last partner is very easily interpretable as this not being her first rodeo with this level of intimacy. I assume that this is either violating standards of professionalism in the guild, or the Church of Arceus doesn’t look highly upon extramarital hookups, but it’d likely make sense to either mention in passing earlier on, or else spell out here.

And by the looks of it, Rufina didn't seem to regret it either. She just gazed at him lovingly.

"...I knew I made the right choice," she murmured. "And for your first time, Mitt…you were pretty good." She moved in to give him some kisses on the nape of his neck.

Careful with those tusks, Rufina, otherwise it won’t just be kisses you’ll leave on Mitty’s neck.

"...Thanks," Mitrofan breathed. "...Have you…been through this before, Rufina? You seemed to know what you were doing."

"Yeah, I have," confessed the Haxorus. "I had a boyfriend some time back, before I joined the Guild. He was alright, but…we split up not long after we began doing each other. Besides…you were much better than his sorry ass. You don't have to worry about me going back to him."

Oh, so I was right about her dialogue earlier. Though come on, get real, Mitty. Were you really bothered by that if you got to this point?

"...I'm glad you think that," the Aggron replied.

The two were silent as they gazed up at the ceiling. Some of the euphoria still remained from before, and they basked in it, content with the current situation. If time stopped there and then, Mitrofan and Rufina would be perfectly happy to remain that way if it meant the feelings of the occasion could be preserved.

So… if the present became forever, huh? Where have I heard that one before?

The silence was eventually broken by Rufina.

"So…what now?"

[ ]

"What now?" Mitrofan turned to face her. "You mean…for us?"

"Yeah. You know…I think we've really struck gold together, the two of us. I…want this happiness to last," Rufina admitted. "But I feel we've jumped straight to the action rather than all of the stuff you're meant to do in a relationship before that."

Mitrofan: “I mean, wasn’t that what happened with your last boyfriend? What changed?” ^^;
Rufina: “Well, for one, I really don’t want you to turn out like my last boyfriend.” -_-;

"...That doesn't mean we can't do things like go on dates," Mitrofan replied. "I would certainly like that, between missions. I, too, want this happiness between us to last. …Then maybe at some point in the future, we can marry and…enjoy our bliss as a married couple."

[ ]


"Yeah…That sounds nice." Rufina smiled. "But…maybe we can think about those kinds of things in the morning. I wanna get some shut-eye."

"Yes…I agree." The Aggron felt tiredness encroaching on his own end. "...Our first sleep as a couple in the same bed. I couldn't agree more to that. Come here, Rufina."

"Sure thing." The Haxorus moved closer to her lover - her lover, that she happily reminded herself. Wrapped in the comfort of the arms of his larger form, she had no trouble getting off to sleep.

It might make sense to dwell a bit more on Rufina’s reaction to the whole “well, we could settle down” moment in the spot in brackets.

"Mitt…there's something I need to tell you."

The two were on a rescue mission in a Mystery Dungeon, known as Craggy Canyon, at the foot of the Empyrean Mountains in southeastern Selenia. But this was a strange instance in which the duo did not leave immediately after rescuing the one in need. This had already been done, finding the missing Butterfree they were tasked to find on the sixth floor. Much but to Rufina's surprise, Mitrofan insisted that they carry on until the end of the Dungeon.

She had come to know him well. She knew he had good reason to insist this. Knowing him…it might well have been to reveal something important. Given the love that was blossoming between them…she went along with it.

However…she had a revelation of her own to tell him. And she wasn't sure what his reaction would be.

Which is….?

"What would that be?" asked Mitrofan, as they walked through a corridor.

"...I can't tell you about it here," the Haxorus replied. "I'd…rather tell you when we won't be jumped on by a feral."

Mitrofan: “... This sure feels like quite the peculiar environment to talk about secrets. Wouldn’t it have been more convenient to just meet in a garden, or…?” ^^;

"...Fair enough," Mitrofan conceded. "We're on the last floor of this place anyway. Once we find the stairs, we'll be at the end."

Not long after that, after going through a few more rooms and effortlessly dealing with any wild Pokémon that stood in their path, Mitrofan and Rufina found the stairs. They went up the stairs to the final floor, and what was awaiting Rufina was a glorious sight.

It happened to be evening, and the rays of the setting sun painted a beautiful picture on the landscape that could be seen below them. They were far from high up in the Empyrean Mountains - indeed, many more mountains dominated the rocky outcropping where they were now - but the view was enchanting enough to more than satisfy those seeking a picturesque outlook.

Oh, well. Speak of the devil about gardens. I take it that Ardallion basically has the equivalent of Secret Areas from Xenoblade games in it from this outlook.

It was the perfect place for what Mitrofan planned to reveal to Rufina. However…what she said nagged at him, and he wanted to know what it was.

"So, Rufina," he began, once they had a quick look around to make sure they were alone. "What do you want to tell me?"

The Haxorus was silent, considering her words. Mitrofan noted that she seemed oddly fidgety, as if she was nervous to admit the truth. This observation, he was correct on; Rufina was agonising over whether what she was about to tell him would spoil the atmosphere between them. The last few weeks between them as a couple had been some of the best and happiest times she'd ever experienced. She was certain of her love for the Aggron. Therefore…she was wracked with the fear that her news would destroy all of that.

She laid an egg, didn’t she?

You're going to have to tell him at some point, she told herself. Might as well be now, before things get complicated later on.

"...Is it good or bad?" Mitrofan's question snapped her out of her thoughts.

"...Depends on how you look at it," Rufina answered. "...But I just…really don't want this to ruin this relationship we have going right now."

I mean, just saying aside from being a bit of a moral stickler, I don’t think “I have an egg” would really do much to move the needle for Mitt other than maybe to encourage him to hurry up the wedding so their kid wouldn’t obviously be born out of wedlock.

"Well, what is it, then? Admitting it is the only way we'll find out."

"...You're right." The dragon took a long, deep breath, and began. "I…haven't been feeling right in the past few days. You've surely noticed that, right?"

Oh dear, she’s brooding… do I want to know what that looks like for a Haxorus?

"...I have, actually," Mitrofan noted. "You've gone to bed early for a few nights now. That's…not like you at all. It's a bit different from the days when you'd party until the sun came up, and I'd have to come and get you so you'd wake at a reasonable hour."

That had been in their earlier days. It hadn't been all smooth sailing; Team Silver Axe had their moments of tension and arguing throughout their tenure.

Wait, they had? We didn’t really get to see any of that in the earlier scenes, so this feels a bit “informed attribute” at the moment.

"Well, I went to see Helena to check that it wasn't anything serious. But when I told her of my symptoms, she…came to a conclusion that's pretty plausible. I…still can't believe it…" Her voice trembled, fearful of having to admit the truth.

"...What is it, Rufina?" Mitrofan noticed his partner's fear, and dark thoughts came into his head. Is it serious? Please tell me it isn't…

Rufina then said it. The truth that she was afraid to confess.

"Mitt…I think I'm pregnant."

Well, I’ll just take that as a sign that Pokémon childrearing works a bit differently in this setting versus the games… maybe. Since I very distinctly remember that birthdays were called “hatchdays” in earlier chapters.

Though I wonder if it makes sense to elaborate on why Rufina is so afraid that this child will ruin things. Given that she was canonically “lol. lmao” about sex outside of marriage, I think this was more intended to be her being afraid of it tanking the whole “going out and adventuring as Mercenaries” part of her life, and that a part of Rufina is terrified of “adventures are going to take a break” will mean Mitty would stop loving her given how opposed she used to be to the idea of settling down with kids, but that’s just conjecture on my part since it’s wasn’t explicitly spelled out in the story when I read it.

"Pregnant?!" The Aggron reeled back in shock. "...How? The two of us, we've only mated once! We've never done it since!"

Um… Mitty, do we need to stop and give the primer of how fertilization works among egg-laying creatures? Since there’s a whole swath of egg-laying animals where “mating [X] weeks ago” is sufficient to ensure that every egg laid in that timeframe will have potentially viable progeny in it. ^^;

I mean, I get the distinct vibe that things work differently in this setting, but still.

"Yeah, well…that might've been enough. I definitely haven't been with any other men. …But that's not important to me." Rufina shook her head. "Mitt…you…are you okay with this? The fact that I'm with child before we've even decided to marry? It's just…" Once again, that fear came to the fore. "...I really don't want this to ruin everything. Please, Mitt…please stay with me…"

"Rufina…" Mitrofan felt moved by his lover's emotion. And that compelled him to quell her fears. "...I wouldn't dream of leaving you over this. A child, together…it's every couple's dream. I've always wanted a child to call my own one day. And…I'm all too glad I'm having a child with you, the woman I love. Who cares if it was premarital conditions we had a child under before we got married? I don't care - for you, I would gladly make an exception."

I kinda wonder if we should’ve seen a bit more obviously antsy and on-edge body language from Rufina up to this point. Though I’ll just take that as confirmation that the Church of Arceus does indeed not view canoodling outside of marriage highly. Like it makes sense given that it very unsubtly draws influence from the Church IRL, but I do wonder if that’s something that should’ve been brought up either earlier on in this chapter or else in the story in general.

"Mitt…!" Rufina sniffled, trying to hold back tears.

[ ]

"...That being said…'' Mitrofan continued. "If we are to have a child together, and look after it as parents, then there is one thing we must do first. In fact, I had planned to do this from the beginning. But…your announcement now is all the more reason to do this."

He rummaged through their bag, until he found the item in question. He'd smuggled it in and kept it secret from Rufina the whole time. There was good reason for this, of course. Showing to her would ruin the whole surprise.

He took out a small box, got on his knee and opened the box to reveal a ring.

Mitrofan: “I mean, I was kinda expecting to get the news of the kid after the whole ‘will you make me the happiest ‘mon alive’ shtick, but… will you, Rufina?” ^^;

"Will you marry me, Rufina?"

"..." Rufina was stunned by the gesture, so much so it took her a few seconds to reply.

"Marry you?" Despite emotion still gripping her voice, she tried to steer towards a response more typical of her, after taking another deep breath. "...What the hell do you think my answer's going to be after experiencing the greatest time of my life with you these past few weeks?! I'd be mad if I turned you down!"

Mitrofan smiled. That's her, alright. The woman I want to marry…

I mean, yeah, it was a little acted on Rufina’s part, but that definitely is on-brand for her from what we’ve seen this entire chapter. o<o

"...Of course I'll marry you," she said, a warm smile across her face. "I've already said a million times that I love you. And I'll say it a million times more if you aren't already convinced."

"...Don't worry, I am," assured the Aggron. "I love you dearly, Rufina. More than anyone else on this continent, and in this world."

… I’m now realizing that if Rufina isn’t just flatly dead, that there’s a part of Mitrofan that’s likely deathly terrified of how Rufina and the kids would react to what he’s become if they ever met again. Assuming that he doesn’t just power on with a boatload of cope and willful “I’m just not going to think about that”.

"I know you do. Hell…there's physical proof of that now." Rufina pointed to her belly. "Guess we got a headstart on that side of things, huh?"

"Indeed we did. …That's also what I meant earlier by more reason behind the proposal," explained Mitrofan. "I have a responsibility - two, actually - now that I've fathered a child. To never leave your side…and to see to it our child grows up with a father."

I mean… yeah. Mitty did always seem like the prim and proper type in his earlier years, so bailing on his new kid was never going to be an option.

"I hope so," Rufina stated. "I'd never forgive you if you ran off like other men would do." She dropped this topic briefly, to take the box from her lover. "...Nice ring. Where'd you get it?"

Oh, so Rufina was afraid that Mitty would just bail on her. Yeah, I do think that it probably makes sense to at least articulate why she was afraid of that earlier on. e.x. moral code, professional impact, etc.

"A jeweller's in Lukomoria," Mitrofan answered. "I knew a man who did wedding rings, and I asked him to craft a pair for me. He did a fine job."

Just filing that name away from later. I wonder if we’ll ever get to see the place in this story sometime.

"And you picked a damn good time and place to present it." Rufina gestured out over the land and the setting sun. [ ]

"That's one hell of a view. …I hope I don't ever forget this moment."

IMO, it probably makes sense to take some time to soak in the whole “sunset” moment with some more details about colors and it going over the horizon or something like that.

"Nor do I," her lover, or rather her fiancé, replied. "...Do you want to watch the sun set?"

"...Sure. You wanna roast some berries while we're at it? There's enough sticks and flintstones here to make a fire."

"Yes, I would like that."

And so that became their evening, with the newly engaged couple enjoying their first meal as one. Once she'd gathered materials for the fire and got it started, Rufina lay next to Mitrofan, who wrapped his arm around her in a comforting gesture. They watched, as the sun began to dip below the horizon and the night sky began to lay out its canvas.

Wait, but wasn’t the sun already setting earlier? It might make sense to make it a bit more obvious that it was earlier on in sunset in the prior sequences, since I’ll admit that I did a double-take here at the discussion of the sun setting again.

"...We must tell everyone about this when we get back." Mitrofan's words broke through the content silence.

"...Yes. We must." Rufina could only agree.

I wonder if there was supposed to be a mood shift here at all, or if these two are meant to still be at peace when saying these lines. It’s a little ambiguous ATM.

[ ]

"...Another week over as Guildmaster." Mitrofan's voice sounded exhausted as he lay back against the sofa. "I tell you…I don't know how Yaromir did it. All that administration, and organisation, and restocking food supplies, and the sheer logistics of it all…" He let out a long, deep sigh. "It sure hasn't been easy…"

Well, we’ve certainly skipped ahead quite a bit time-wise. Even if I wonder if we should have a bit more clarity regarding where and when this scene is set.

"You think that's hard?" A snort came from the other couch, and the Aggron looked over to see Rufina. "Try looking after this little scamp for a week. You'll be absolutely floored after two days."

Notably, she wasn't alone. In her arms lay a tiny Axew, bundled in a small blanket. It was a little boy, who Mitrofan and Rufina had named Stiliyan. The married couple were immensely proud of him, and he won the hearts of any visitors who saw him with his cuteness.

Ah, I see that Rufina’s made a much smoother transition than anticipated going from actively jaunting around Mystery Dungeons to watching over a hatchling.

As he was a hatchling, though…he did come with all of the difficulties of raising a baby like him, as Rufina had found out. The Haxorus had many sleepless nights thanks to him, and it got to the point where her body clock had been adjusted to wake up in the middle of the night to look after him. Still, it wasn't unusual - many mothers Rufina sought the advice of had informed her of difficulties such as this, and also, her good friend Zenobia, who was now married to Kallias and had her own daughter, a Treecko named Elvira, had similar difficulties with her own newborn.

Wait, wait, wait. So this is happening a matter of months since that last scene between Rufina and Mitrofan? That’s definitely a jump there. I do wonder if some of these details should’ve been foreshadowed more in earlier scenes, in particular that Mitrofan was in contention to take over the guild and that Rufina and Zenobia knew and were on friendly terms with each other.

"...I see he takes after you, then," Mitrofan playfully joked.

[ ]

"...You're lucky I love you more than anything, otherwise I'd give you a right hiding for that," Rufina muttered. "...I'd say he takes after you in some ways. He definitely has your eyes, for one. And you know what? I bet he'll grow up admiring you.”

[ ]

“After all…being the new guildmaster of the Irian Guild is nothing to sneeze at. I bet money he's going to aim to be just like you when he grows up."

Couple spots where it would likely make sense to drop in some added description paragraphs into this scene.

"...I suppose so." Mitrofan looked at his son. "...Don't worry, Stiliyan. I'll get over these growing pains, and give you a guildmaster to look up to!"

Stiliyan made a coo of happiness. He was still very young, incapable of speech. However, his joy was enough to make his father smile.

"...We created one cute kid, didn't we?" Rufina remarked. "...I'd be up for having more if they're as charming as him. And hey…good thing the way to make kids is one of the best pastimes in the whole world," she added with a smirk.

Ah yes, that would explain a thing or two about her eagerness to “be fruitful and multiply”.

"...You sure crave your lovemaking," remarked Mitrofan, knowledgeable of their affairs under the sheets. That being said…there was one thing he had observed in the months since Rufina had Stiliyan. "Your appetite is insatiable sometimes."

"I know." The dragon seemed proud to admit that. "And as long as you're still in my life, I'll always want more. That's the best part of being married; we can do it whenever we want, and it's all for free. And to prove that…I want to go again tonight," she uttered sultrily.

Yeah, see above, really. I’d question whether or not it makes sense to be this blunt about bedroom matters, but you can’t say that it’s OOC for Rufina since she’s literally been a forward type since the first day she and Mitrofan met in this chapter.

I can already tell that Rufina got her kids into trouble at school when they talked about bawdy stuff openly on the playground thanks to mum, though.

"Do you now?" Mitrofan retorted with an eye roll. "Why am I not surprised? At this rate, we'll have a second child by this time next year."

Oh, so that’s how they got that Aron middle child, huh?

"Go on, admit it. You love the nights we have together," Rufina replied, walking over to him with Stiliyan in her arms. "I can't believe some people call that sin lust, as if it's something to be ashamed of. Piss off! If that's sin, then sign me up if it means I can enjoy all the pleasure here on Ardalion with you!"

I suppose that that’s one way to tell that Rufina wasn’t the churchgoing type as a kid. Even if I think that Mitty’s likely lovestruck enough that he’d likely shrug off any part of him that’d “wait, no” by this point.

"...Those are daring words." Her husband leaned in to kiss her on the neck. "I hope you don't regret them if lust does earn you a one-way ticket to hell."

Or not… probably. Maybe. I get the feeling that Mitty’s being facetious here, but I think we’re missing a couple body language cues to make it obvious.

"Oh, shut up. That abstinence to save your soul talk's a bunch of crap. I'd bet money that archbishop fellow who preaches it - what's his face? Don't know, don't care - has a mistress or two that satisfy him while he preaches abstinence to all of us. I've heard those rumours that have been going around …Tch. Hypocrites like him make me sick. People like him deserve the worst judgement Arceus has got."

Boy the Church was certainly a mess before Sansarn took over. Likely still is based on that one comment he made about still having lots of enemies in the ranks.

[ ]

"Quite a claim to think Archbishop Innokent has mistresses. …Still, I never was a churchgoer. Could be possible."

"Hmm…you know, you never answered my question," Rufina reminded.

"What question?"

"Do you enjoy the nights of passion we have?"

Mitrofan: “Obviously, yes.” ^^;
Rufina: “Want to make tonight another, then?”

"...Well…the fact that I eagerly partake says it all, doesn't it?" Mitrofan kissed his wife again.

"Good point. That was a stupid question." Rufina returned the kiss, only more passionately than her husband's efforts. "Mmm…I love you so much."

"And I you." Mitrofan returned a more passionate kiss. "...Let our love last until the end of time."

"...You said it, Mitt. I'll never stop loving you, no matter what happens."

Present Day Mitrofan:

[ ]

"...I don't blame you for wanting to reclaim the happiness of the past, Master Mitrofan," Nikita condoled. "I can't say I knew how much you loved Rufina, nor can I even comprehend the emotions of romance. But…they can compel people in life-changing ways. …And, in your case, country-changing ways."

I kinda feel like we should reopen with some indication of the scene and what’s going on with Mitrofan and Nikita on the balcony here before getting straight back into dialogue.

"...That is what has happened, yes," murmured the Aggron. He curled his fist. "If only she were here by my side…then I would have some much-needed guidance. …Then again…" He looked wistfully out at the city. "Her disappearance is the whole reason I'm in this mess in the first place."

Mitrofan: “Also, I really don’t want to think too hard about if she’d still love me if she saw me like this right now.”

"...Indeed," Nikita murmured.

"…Grrrahhh!" he growled in annoyance, slamming his fist down on the stone of the balcony's edge. Cracks formed in it. "Damn it all! The worst part of it all is that I've gotten my revenge already on that vile man! And yet…I'm still no closer to finding where my family is! Five years we've searched for them…and all results have turned up fruitless."

Oh, so they are alive… Probably. Maybe.

[ ]

"...We have combed Selenia thoroughly for them, Master," the Marowak reasoned. "...We can only apologise that we have not found them yet. I know that Spiridon kicks himself over it too."

[ ]


"...I can't say I blame you," Mitrofan replied, his tone bitter. "Selenia is a vast country. Searching every nook and cranny for them would prove tedious. …Contentious even, if we have to search the cellars of noble houses where they might be. That might upset the delicate balance we have with nobles who may decide to turn against us."

Nikita: “You could just kill the nobles that refuse to comply, Master.” ^^;
Mitrofan: “Okay, yes, but my reign is still not fully consolidated after five years, so I can’t just go doing that willy-nilly!” >_>;

"...Perhaps they lay beyond Selenia?" Nikita suggested. "Spiridon proposed that once."

[ ]

"...Perhaps they do. But then we involve ourselves with other countries…and that has the potential to go awry. …Especially if she's being held in the East. I expelled their diplomats from here so that they couldn't try to control me. They won't puppeteer me as they did with Kliment."

Well then. So there were skeletons in the Ruslan closet after all. I can already tell that we’re going to be hearing a lot about that in the future in this story.

[ ]

"...We'll keep such operations covert," assured the Marowak. "That is, should you order us to carry out such searches."

"...I may well do so," the Aggron murmured.

This sounds like a reason to invest in a Zoroark/Ditto corps, just saying. Definitely handy for spy antics out in places further abroad, and if they’re careful, they can come up with some pretty solid alibis.

He didn't speak for another while, staring out at the city blanketed by the night. Nikita said nothing, instead remaining on standby. It wasn't just to make sure a potential attacker that could strike would be cut down quickly by him, but…it was also for another reason.

I don't want him to be alone.

Just saying, this is reminding me of that villain relationship dynamic from XB2 right now. Even if the relative vibes of the junior and senior member are flipped.

[ ]

"...Part of me truly considered telling Dalibor the truth about Rufina." Mitrofan spoke once again.

"Did you?"

"...Yes. I only retracted on the basis that it would mean dredging up painful memories of what exactly happened five years ago. …If we were alone where no one could hear us, and I could divulge my feelings fully without the fear of him leaping to conclusions, then I'd definitely tell him. But…I don't want a repeat of what happened with Team Marshwood and a good chunk of the Guild."

- Checks chapter listing -

Oh hey, I have a pretty good idea of what the next 45k words of this fic are going to be about.

"Ah. You mean…the 'jumping to conclusions' part?"

"Yes. You were lucky, Nikita. You and Spiridon. You saw me that day five years ago. You understood what was happening. You heard the info we got out of those shady people,” he said. “…An outsider would have a tough time believing it. …Even good friends would have trouble believing that story."

He gripped the balcony wall tighter. [ ]

"...I wanted them to come with me. But they refused. And so…a gulf appeared, and it gets wider day by day,” Mitrofan sighed. “To the point where when my good friend Kallias is missing, I can't even offer a shred of sympathy.”

[ ]

“…It would be for the better if he didn't resurface. All that charisma, and he'd use it against me rather than in the name of the common good."

Couple suggestions for how to break up this paragraph and expand it a bit.

"...I agree, Master Mitrofan," Nikita replied. "...Often, the past is better left buried in the ground, and we only cause ourselves pain in trying to dig it back up again. The nobles cause themselves pain by trying to believe that Prince Leonid is still alive. Melchior no doubt pains himself over Kallias' disappearance and the hope that he's out there somewhere. My past before you is nothing but misery and woe.”

[ ]

“And if it is my place to say this, Master Mitrofan…even you are guilty of this through your remembrance of Rufina,” the Marowak said. “It's not my intention to be cruel, and I'm not suggesting for one minute you move on or forget her. I just…hate seeing you like this."

Okay, now I’m really getting those XB2 villain duo vibes right now. Especially with how Mitty isn’t exactly taking the hint with reciprocating Nikita’s attention.

[ ]

"I'm not invincible, Nikita. You know that better than anyone," Mitrofan returned. "Even I must bear my emotions sometimes. …At least I can do so around you. You would never judge me in the way that others would."

[ ]


"That's not my duty, Master Mitrofan," the Marowak replied. "My only purpose at this point is to be by your side. I'll gladly listen to your woes if that is your wish."

… Totally a healthy and normal outlook on life! /s

"...Thank you, Nikita." The Aggron turned to Nikita, a small, sad smile crossing his face. "I'm glad you were here to listen."

"Anytime, Master Mitrofan."

The ruler of Selenia headed back into the room, closing the balcony doors behind him and getting into the bed.

"I'll try and sleep. I doubt I'll get any, but…I might as well try."

Nikita: “Um… you were fine with me here and not watching the hallway, or…?” ^^;

"...Very well. Good night, Master Mitrofan." Nikita opened the door to head out into the hallway. He looked back to see the Aggron getting under the blankets. "I'll see you in the morning."

Those were his last words before he shut the door.

Oh, well. Nevermind that. Guess Nikita won’t be lingering on the balcony on his own after all.

Notes

And here it is. A flashback and a bearing-of-the-heart chapter that I quite enjoyed writing.

The story of Kirkyard Cúán mentioned by Spiridon is based on the story of Greyfriars Bobby.

I KNEW IT

Lysagora is named after Bald Mountain, a location in Slavic mythology translated to Łysa Góra in Polish.

Didn’t know that, TIL.

Yes, Monster Houses are in this. And this definitely won't be the last time we encounter them.

I observed while writing this that the Aron line is one that becomes bipedal when it evolves. A bit of food for thought for those anxious about what Sprigatito's evolutions will look like; going bipedal isn't necessarily a bad thing. (Also while I'm bringing up Sprigatito, I'll definitely look to include Gen 9 Pokémon in this story, once Scarlet and Violet come out later in 2022.)

Thanks for reading - I enjoyed writing this chapter a lot. See you next time.

And I enjoyed reading it a lot. Though let’s get out of these spoiler blocks for a bit, hm?

Alright, that one was a fairly chunky chapter, but it was a lot of fun to read. The main star of the show is that we finally get to see Mitrofan’s backstory more in depth, and it does a good job at fleshing his character out. Like I’d admittedly been a bit spoiled to them and there had been hints and teases throughout the story up to this point, but this is the first time we get to see it in action, and it’s an endearing and bittersweet glimpse at the way things once were for the main villains (so far) of this story. The characters that you introduced were also fun to watch, especially Rufina who cuts a fun contrast to how Mitrofan used to be, and in many ways still does to the way he is in the present. While it seems like her coming back at some point may be in the cards for the story, I get the feeling that we’ll be waiting quite a while for that, so for now, these flashbacks do a good job at helping us get to know her and also to understand how her absence pushed Mitrofan off the deep end.

That said, there were some general polish issues with this chapter. Not enough to suck me out of the overall experience, but enough that it would be remiss not to bring them up. I noticed that you had a few spots where wording was a little iffy or else where the text basically said the same thing more than once. There were a few paragraphs that felt long and unwieldy to the point that they’d have worked better as multiple ones, and there were some issues with “telling” and not “showing” that other chapters up to this point have kinda had as a running issue.

The primary wobbly area that I saw with the chapter were the flashback sequences. Not so much their content, since they was arguably the best parts of the chapter, but the formatting did weigh them down a bit. They seemed to particularly suffer from a lack of description, which while also affecting some other parts of the chapter, was really noticeable for them. A huge chunk of their content was basically disembodied dialogue and made it hard to place setting or character moods at times. Beyond the obvious of showing off scenes a bit more, adding some description there would’ve been a handy tool for showing off character reactions and their inner thoughts. There are also some details that got brought up in those flashbacks that felt a bit sudden in the way they’re introduced in a way that a more gradual buildup wouldn’t have. Mitrofan’s ascension to Guildmaster and the link between Rufina and Zenobia were major standout moments on that front that I noticed.

Lastly, I kinda feel like you were pushing things for length a bit. While I’ll admit that I’m casting stones from a precariously glassy house on that front, the content that you do have fits into an already quite hefty 14k word package precisely due to the prose being a bit sparse in parts. A modestly expanded version of the chapter to fill in some things like absent description or character reactions would easily add between a quarter and a third of the length without much effort. It also felt like the chapter effectively has two thematic halves anyways that would lend themselves to partitioning the chapter, with everything before Mitrofan’s extended flashback sequence starts and everything afterwards might as well be two separate chapters feeling like a pretty organic “Chapter A” and “Chapter 1” to the existing content.

There might have been some other issues that I either didn’t bring up or else overlooked, but I was honestly too busy getting engrossed in things to really notice, @Arukona . Glad to be back in this story again, and I’ll be looking forward to coming back for more sometime in the near future.

 

[Virgil134]

Chapter 3

""They are.

Starting off with a minor nitpick, but you have two quotation marks here.

"I've already said her father was a well-renowned mercenary. But I'm talking about well-renowned to the point that few didn't know his name. Imagine, therefore, being born to him and planning to follow the same career path as him."

"...Ohhhh," Arian said in realisation. "You think everyone'll want her to be just like her dad?"

"That's what Elvira's been thinking," Zenobia confirmed. "It's become a great fear of hers, especially with the recent events in Selenia. With everything that's happened, it's clear that people want a hero to rescue them from the clutches of Mitrofan.

Must be tough when your dad is so famous and successful. Sounds like Elvira has some big proverbial shoes to fill.

The Basic Facts of Pokémon: Vol. 6, Q-T

Small little detail, but I actually find it interesting that the Pokemon here use the Latin alphabet. Even if I wonder if they’re technically Unown Runes.

She reached for her crutches, and prepared to get it.

"I'll get it," Arian said. "Your leg's still not right. You shouldn't strain it."

"...If you could get the door, that would be great. Thank you, Arian."

He sure is eager to be helpful, isn’t he? Can’t help but wonder if someone is gonna abuse that at some point though…

"They aren't listening. Not surprising, given the way town is right now," the Petilil criticised. "Everyone has their own backs to watch. They don't have time to deal with a missing Pachirisu. …But the Thorned Roses don't bother you as much, Elvira! Please, you have to! I'm no fighter, but you are!"

The town sure sounds like a rough place.

"Hell, if you want backup…then count me in! I'll help you!"

"You?" Elvira was taken aback. "But…you only woke up this morning, Arian. And you have amnesia…"

"Doesn't matter! That's not gonna stop me!

What could possibly go wrong?

No one really knows why they're here or what they're for.

I actually wonder if the fic will explore the origins of Mystery Dungeons in Ardalion at some point. I guess only time will tell

Arian couldn't quite describe what happened next. It was as if the moment they passed into the Mystery Dungeon, the surrounding area suddenly altered and changed into something completely different. Next thing he realised, he and Elvira were no longer in any kind of shadowy area, but in some kind of clearing that most definitely did not resemble the path on which they entered the dungeon on.

Always interesting how different authors handle the Mystery Dungeon mechanics. These also seem a little dangerous, since you can easily wander into a Mystery Dungeon by accident in this world.

But at that room's entrance lay a Pidgey, which caught Arian by surprise.

"Ah!" he cried, not expecting the sudden appearance of the bird Pokémon. Instinctively, he launched a self-defensive attack, and struck the Pidgey with a Quick Attack. It returned a Tackle his way, and hit Arian in the stomach. But the Riolu countered with another Quick Attack, which brought down the Pidgey.

Nice “self-defense” where he attacked first :p

That said, a bit criticism I have to give here is that this isn’t very descriptive. I get that you don’t wanna spend a lot of words on Arian fighting a random wild Pokemon, but right now it feels like we’re just being told how he fought a Pidgey, as opposed to showing it.

And in the last room that they hadn't searched...there was, oddly enough, in the middle of a forest, a set of stairs.

Oh cool, stairs! :V For some reason I’ve seen a lot of people not adapt this into their PMD fics, so I always appreciate authors who do do it. (Like come on, how are stairs in the middle of nowhere not cool? There’s a whole phenomenon about stairs in the middle of the woods)

A Pachirisu was being confronted by two others: a Dark-type Meowth and a Deino. The latter two wore some kind of red band around their arm and foreleg, bearing the insignia of a rose and thorns.

Wonder if it’s just these two, or if the Thorned Roses have a lot of Dark-Types. From the name you’d expect at least some Grass-Types.

"Because someone has to. Selenia's in a pretty bad place now, and someone has to step up to the plate and help out the common man."

I like how confidently he says this, despite only being here for like a day and having heard all of this second hand.

"I can do this all day!"

Basically Arian:

"Hey, Vivian! Deal with this fuck for me!"

"Kinda busy myself!" the Deino replied, before breathing a Dragon Breath at Elvira. The Treecko dodged to the side, and struck him again with Quick Attack. "Dammit! You deal with her! You're fast!"

"Urgh! Fine!" Bruno yelled. "You deal with that ball of fur!"

You're one to talk, Arian inwardly snarked. But he adjusted to the changed circumstances and found himself facing the Deino named…

How nice of Arian and Elvira to let their opponents switch targets.

"Vivian?" he asked the Deino. "Did I hear that right?"

"Yeah. And? What's it to you?" huffed Vivian.

"...You are a boy, right?"

"Oh, for the love of - Vivian is not a girl's name!" shouted the Deino, clearly annoyed. "It's unisex! How many times do I have to tell that to everyone?!"

"...Really?" the Riolu queried sceptically.

"Yes, it is!" yelled Vivian, visibly frustrated.

Lmao. I have a feeling we haven’t seen the last of him and Bruno either, which is good. I’m a sucker for comedy relief villains. (And I can definitely see Vivian’s name becoming a running gag whenever we see him again :p)

Anyway, I thought this was a good chapter! It showed us Arian and Elvira’s first mission, almost acting like an extended prologue similar to the trip into the Beach Cave to fight Koffing and Zubat in Explorers. The battle against Vivian and Bruno was similar to that and I think it served its purpose well. Maybe it wasn’t the best fight from a technical point of view, but I still enjoyed reading it, so good enough.

Chapter 4

The green fields, the plethora of trees, the bright blue sea - all of it, he gazed at with wonderment. The view was enhanced greatly by the sun beginning to set, casting the scenery in an alluring orange glow.

This is beautiful, he thought to himself. Nice, rustic, unspoilt...Selenia's a nice country, alright.

Reading this makes me wonder if Arian is from a Dark Future-esque environment, especially after reading Tamara’s reaction. While even the basic things from nature can be beautiful, his reaction makes it clear these aren’t everyday things for him.

"A bunch of things, Tam! Like the human part. Explain that." The Petilil turned that on Arian. "What's that all about?"

""Wait, what? H-How do you know that?" the Riolu said, taken aback.

"I told her while you were gone," Zenobia confessed. "She was brimming with curiosity as to just who you were, Arian."

"I was. ...And...not gonna lie, some of the stuff you said sounds a bit ridiculous," Flora admitted. "Like, being a human once? Washing up on the shore just here? Losing your memories? I mean, no offence, but it doesn't exactly sound like the most believable story."

Wow, that’s one rude Petilil. First she presses about someone’s details through gossiping, and then she has the gal to chide that person over stuff that was none of her business to begin with.

(Also, Arian’s line here starts off with a double quotation mark as well)

It is. Mercenaries operated by rank, starting with Normal Rank and ending with Master Rank.

Ah nice, just like the Rescue Team ranking in game. I actually wonder how many years it would normally take for a team (that’s capable enough) to go from Normal Rank to Master Rank.

"I accept your offer, Arian."

And so the story truly begins, with the inevitable team up between the human and the partner. I also like how this show the contrast between the two main characters. For Elivra, this is a well thought out choice, while Arian instantly wanted to do this despite not even fully understanding what he is getting into.

"...One of them checked me out one day," Flora said, her lip curled in revulsion. "Disgusting. You couldn't pay me to go out with one of them."

"I've heard more sinister things as well," Zenobia brought up. "Some people have mysteriously vanished from the public eye after confronting the Thorned Roses. In town, and in the surrounding countryside as well."

Oh shit, these guys are more serious than I thought. I guess Vivian and Bruno weren’t very representative of what the Thorned Roses are really like, huh?

Maybe the villagers are being thrown in some sort of secret gulag? Or maybe even getting shipped off to somewhere more sinister? I guess we’ll find out, since it sounds like figuring it out will be the team’s short term goal.

Alright, and made it to the end of the chapter. Just like the previous one, I enjoyed it! I think your story has lots of potential, so I'm looking forward to see where things go from here now that Arian and Elivra are officially a team.

Until next time!

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, this took a bit longer than I’d hoped to get rolling, but I’m here for the first of those five prize reviews you picked up from me from Diner, which is just as well since it gives me more opportunities to get in a bit deeper into “Fire Emblem with Funny Animals”.

Anyhow, looks like we’re due for a diversion from the main plot for the next few chapters, so let’s just jump right in and see what that’s all about:

Special Episode 1, Part 1

Spoiler: Line-by-Line

"What do you mean, no missions today?!" protested Axel protested to Sifis. For some reason, the Galvantula was not in his usual position behind his desk, sorting out mission requests, but instead he stood in front of the path to the entrance.

Oh, it’s a Team Sandstream episode. Possibly. Maybe. We’ll see where this goes. Though I kinda wonder if there should’ve been a bit more scene-setting provided here to show off the “when” this was happening and if anyone other than Axel is also here.

"Sorry, but the ladder has to be replaced," Sifis explained. "It had dry rot, and collapsed in half yesterday evening. So we'll need a new one to replace it."

"I could go out, though. I could easily climb up that!" Axel insisted.

Ishmael: “Yeah, no kidding when you have wing membranes, buddy.

"That is what I intend for you to do And I intend to make the most of that, Axel," Melchior said, as he came upon the scene from his office, with Terran in tow. "You can climb up there without aid. Likewise, Natalie can fly up there without much issue. Therefore… I would like to am assigning the two of you to head to the local carpenter's to make us a replacement ladder."

Some minor rephrasing suggestions here.

[ ]

"Me and Natalie?" Axel reacted to the unusual combination. "...Sure, I guess. I have no problem with that."

"I guess I could do that," Natalie replied. "Gonna be weird workin' without Serafina, though…"

Can’t tell if this is happening in the present day or set in the past. I assume the latter given the special episode title, but…

I do feel like it would’ve been worth showing off a bit more of Axel and Natalie’s reactions to Melchior before they spoke up, though.

"Great. The sooner it's done, the sooner we can get back out to do missions again. It will take some time for the carpenter to construct it, though, so…do note that," Melchior advised.

"Sure thing, Chief," Axel said. "Come on, Natalie. Let's go."

"...'Kay."

Well, that’s unexpectedly hesitant on Natalie’s part. Wonder if she has something going on with Serafina such that she doesn’t really like being away from her.

The two left. The other members watched them leave, before turning to each other.

"...Well, that's a right bummer, innit?" grumbled Ishmael. "People waitin' for us to get missions done for 'em, and the best we can give 'em is bugger all."

Ishmael: “Just saying, I could fix that if you’d just let me dig a hole to the surface…” >_>;
Melchior: “We’ve been over why that’s not possible, Ishmael. Not least of all since once the secret to this place is out, it’ll be unusable.” -_-;

"Let's not grumble, Ishmael," Lillian chastised. "We just need to find some way to use up our time until Axel comes back and we can tease him about being alone with a girl for the day."

"...S'pose ya got a point." A grin crossed Ishmael's muzzle. "What do ya wanna do then?"

Well, that sure changed Ishmael’s tune quickly there.

"Read a bit. We haven't done that in a while."

"...Fine, I guess."

The remaining members of Team Sandstream then traipsed off to their room. Team Mindfist made the decision to head off to Galen's dojo just afterwards. That left Team Elpis to ponder that same question.

Oh, so this Special Episode is set in the present day. Or at least the opening part of it is. Duly noted then. Though I kinda wonder if Lilian and Ish bouncing should be rolled into the following paragraph.

Though yeah, I’m feeling pretty validated about that recommendation earlier on to expand on scene-setting more initially since I didn’t realize all of these characters were present until you mentioned them in passing in these later parts of the scene.

…Until Arian suddenly realised something he'd mentally filed away in Iria to ask Melchior about. Well, what better time than now?

I realize that just blurting out what Arian wants to ask Melchior about would wind up making his question redundant, but I kinda feel like you should have a bit more of a hint towards what he’s curious about than what you’re presently providing.

"Melchior!" he called out to the guildmaster as he was going back to his office. However, he was interrupted by a noise of discontent growl from Terran.

"Guildmaster Melchior!" he angrily insisted. "How many times do I have to tell you? Show him some respect!"

Arian: “Hey, if Melchior doesn’t mind it, I don’t understand why you magically need to have such a pole up your butt about things.” >_>;

"...Oh, sor-ry," Arian replied, in a tone that implied he was anything but.

That had been something of an irritant he'd found about Terran; how the young Larvitar always insisted on treating Melchior with the respect he deserved. This irked Arian. The Riolu shook his head and continued after the departing Swampert with a quiet huff.

Melchior has no problem with being called without his title, so why should Terran make a hissy fit over it?

Yeah, I figured.

Even if I personally feel that the formatting of this paragraph should change around a bit.

Then again, he Terran always seemed to be grumpy over something or another. Sometimes, it wasn't worth the trouble to argue, so Arian just went along with what the Larvitar insisted.

That sounds like a recipe for problems down the road, just saying, Arian.

"Guildmaster Melchior!" he called out again.

The Swampert turned around. "Yes, Arian?" he asked.

"I want to ask you something," the Riolu queried.

[ ]

"And that would be…?"

"...What exactly happened seven years ago?"

Let’s check in on Melchior’s mood right about now:

Melchior's expression shifted slightly at the mention of the last three words.

"...Why do you ask? Do you not know? I think I remember telling you once that we dealt with a plot that Hinnerk was involved in where he smuggled goods."

Hm, a bit less negative than I was expecting, but Melchior totally is feeling cagey about recounting what went down here, I can already tell.

"Yeah, but…I want to know the full details," Arian said. "I was thinking…what, with all Dalibor went through and why Mitrofan is the way he is and how exactly you and Kallias got Grandmaster Rank…it feels like the answers to everything lie in what exactly happened seven years ago."

[ ]


"...I see your point," Melchior conceded. "...We have time to talk while the ladder is being fixed. Come to the office, and I'll tell you."

[ ]

"Elvira, are you coming?" Arian asked his partner.

"Of course. I'll tell you bits of what I know," Elvira offered. "But Melchior was at the thick of what happened seven years ago. He'd know far more than I would. Even so…I'll tell you what I can."

A couple spots where it probably would make sense to throw in a bit more description to set the scene a bit more. Also, the underlined feels redundant to the first part of Elvira’s dialogue so it probably makes sense to specifically pick one or the other.

Team Elpis walked to the office, behind Melchior and Terran. Once they reached there arrived, the Swampert sat down at his desk, while Arian and Elvira took seats opposite him. Terran, meanwhile, set about cleaning the room, a background noise to the storytelling the guildmaster was about to tell.

"Seven years ago…" Melchior said, before taking a moment to compose his thoughts. "...It was a time far different from now. Where The Irian Guild was at its height of prestige, when Mitrofan was its guildmaster, and when I was still a mercenary in Team Marshwood with my good friend and partner Kallias. Selenia was still under the control of Tsar Kliment, and there definitely weren't any mercenaries being persecuted because of who they were.”

[ ]

“…It was a better time, but…that didn't mean it was free of hardship,” the Swampert explained. “As I'm about to tell you… Darkness did exist back then, and if it had succeeded, the end results would have been devastating."

I would suggest the following reorganizations of Melchior’s dialogue and adding something in between for that pause / trailoff moment before he tees up his flashback.

Seven years ago…



It was a crisp, summer's day just outside of Iria. The sun shone brightly, but thankfully, it wasn't blisteringly hot. Rather, there was a pleasant breeze coming off from the sea.

I’m not sure if I’m really feeling the extra newlines there, but I assume that that’s a deliberate stylistic choice on your part.

At this time, there was a sense of excitement and celebration about the capital. It was to be Tsar Kliment's silver jubilee in two weeks' time, and preparations were being made for it. Festive bunting was being held up all around Iria, and a holiday was announced for everyone in the city. Just about every Selenian noble would be there, and additional transport in aerial taxis and boats along the Miroslav Canal was being organised so more people could attend the events in the capital.

Wait, wait, wait. Iria had that? The place must’ve been a lot bigger than I anticipated from the Iria arc, and it didn’t exactly vibe as being small back then.

Given their prestige, the Irian Guild was had been asked to help out with the set-up of the festivities. This was a good source of revenue for up-and-coming mercs to do in between missions. But sometimes, even the more well-renowned mercenaries did it.

>Mercenaries doing festival setup tasks

Okay, not that this isn’t a super prestigious event, but you just know that there was some portion of the Guild membership grumbling about not being able to go and bag Outlaws for as long as this was going on.

Two such mercenaries were none other than Team Marshwood. After spending the morning working on hanging up bunting in the streets, they returned to the Guild itself to tackle a standard-grade mission. After all, they still had a job to do as mercenaries to help out those who requested their aid.

Oh, well. Nevermind then. Guess that Outlaw hunting was still on the table after all. Though it makes me wonder just what sorts of jobs used to get cleared for the mission board back in the day, since I’ll admit that “decorate a city” didn’t reflexively strike me as Mercenary / Rescue Team work.

As they descended into the Guild, they found a familiar face waiting for them.

"Hello, Mitrofan," greeted Kallias. "It's a wonderful day for missions, isn't it?"

"Indeed it is," the Aggron returned. "...I see you two took up the setup of the jubilee celebrations this morning."

Boy is that quite the trip considering how different Mitrofan’s role is in the present day.

"We did," Melchior confirmed. "It's gearing up to be quite a celebration. I should imagine the streets will be packed when the day comes to celebrate it."

"I imagine’ sure it will," Kallias replied, [ ]. "My family will be there. …I do hope it won't be too much for Elvira. Even Zenobia, I'd worry about…"

I would suggest changing one or the other of the “I imagine” sentences here, and showing off a bit more of Kallias’ mood/reaction before he turns the topic to his family. Though wait, what is Kallias worried about anyways? That they’ll be overwhelmed by the sheer number of people? That something will happen, or…?

"Crowd control will be in place, no doubt," Mitrofan said. "Don't worry about the knights being stretched thin. There's plenty in place already, and in the event of an emergency, Marshal Branislav has requested that mercenaries from here help them to fill in the gaps."

I smell a character that we’re going to wind up seeing more of in the not-too-distant future from that namedrop.

[ ]

"Ha! Isn't that rich!" sneered another voice that came upon the scene. "Even the mercenary hater has to hire mercs when he needs them! I would love to have seen his face writing that letter."

… Wait, is this Hinnerk, or…?

Team Marshwood turned to see two new faces arrive from behind them; a Haxorus and a Cubone. The former had a smug grin on her face.

Scratch that, the ‘sneer’ threw me off in vibes. Though hello, Little!Nikita.

"Ah, Rufina." Kallias gave a bow of acknowledgment. "Yes, that is quite ironic, isn't it?" He adopted his own satisfied smile. "The old marshal must have been seething with anger."

"And Oh, I bet he was absolutely furious when this news came in!" the Haxorus chortled. [ ]

"...Give it to Mitt, Niki."

I think that there needs to be a bit more transition between Rufina having a giggle over Branislav having to eat crow versus her turning her attention to Nikita, since they’re both fairly different in moods.

"Um…S-Sure," the Cubone stuttered nervously, walking over to the Aggron. "H-Here you go, Guildmaster."

Well, someone was definitely different back in the day. And here I thought that Mitrofan was different from how he is in the present day.

"Thank you, Nikita." Mitrofan took the paper from him. He read it over, and found himself pleasantly surprised by what he read. "...Well, well…this is certainly something."

Wait, Nikita had a paper in his grasp? That wasn’t described up until this point. ^^;

"What is it?" wondered Melchior.

"...It's a demand from Tsar Kliment," the Aggron announced. "He wishes for representatives from the Irian Guild to be in the parade on the day of the jubilee. And specifically…he wishes for wants Team Marshwood and Team Silver Axe to represent the Guild."

Oh, I’m sure that Rufina just had a ball with this one given how much of a showboat she vibed as in the last chapter.

[ ]

"That's great news!" the Swampert replied. "I'm…rather honoured to have been selected for such a historic event."

"...It's to be expected, I guess." Rufina's reaction was a bit less acclamatory. "I mean, we've done so much for people around Ardalion, and especially in Selenia. There'd be outcry if he didn't include us in the parade! It'd be another example of nobles taking all the glory while us common lot suffer in silence!"

I’ll admit that I didn’t see that coming from Rufina. Makes me wonder just how much friction she’d had earlier in life with nobles in Selenia.

"But you are glad to be in the parade, aren't you, Rufina?" Kallias asked.

"Oh yeah, of course!" the Haxorus replied. "Being recognised for their glory is every mercenary's dream! Plus, it'd be great to show those mercenary-hating nobles that we're a part of Kliment's success. It's always great when we have the upper hand against them.”

[ ]

“Particularly Branislav,” she chortled. “I tell you; any more wins for us, and he's going to burst a blood vessel!" She chortled at this.

Would recommend reformatting Rufina’s dialogue into two paragraphs given that she seems to have her mood shift as part of the last part of it.

[ ]

"Now, now, Rufina." reminded Mitrofan. " Branislav is just as respected as us in the Guild, if not more so,” Mitrofan reminded. “It wouldn't be good if bad-mouthing of his name reached him. It might well result in the revocation of this honour Tsar Kliment has given us. Just over the jubilee week, could you tone that down slightly?"

[ ]

"...If you say so." Evidently, though, Rufina wasn't happy about that. "If you're the one telling me, Mitt, I'll do it. Anyone else, and I'd tell them to put a sock in it. …Good job you're still as charming as ever." She went over to her husband and kissed him.

Mitrofan: “You’re going to do this during the parade, aren’t you?” ^///^
Rufina: “Oh, you bet I am.” >:V

"...This is what I have to deal with," the guildmaster said to Team Marshwood, with mirth in his expression.

"Oh, shut up, Mitt," Rufina fired back, with a similar joking look on her face that only a married person could have. "I'm not wrong, am I? Good thing I claimed you early before other girls could be swooned by a hunk like you."

I’m now curious as to how that AU where Rufina ultimately hooked up with Kallias turned out anyways, since boy is she quite the contrast from Zenobia in temperament.

"Oh, Rufina's back! Yeah, I should've known once I heard the open flirting," another voice came from deeper inside the Guild. From one of the hallways leading to the dormitories, a Hawlucha and a Grimmsnarl emerged.

Hello, Spiridon. Hello, Dalibor.

"Says the unmarried one," shot back Rufina at the Hawlucha who had spoken. "Besides, even you would agree that Mitt's a looker, wouldn't you, Spiridon?"

"...You know, I would, but…I don't swing that way." Spiridon gave a glance to Mitrofan. "...No offence, Mitt."

Rufina: “What’s the matter, Spiridon. Not into Monster Egg Group ‘mons?” >:V
Spiridon: “What? No! Well, yes, I’m not into- Bah, you know what I meant!” >v<

"None taken," Mitrofan immediately responded. "...But as fun as it is, let's not get sidetracked with endless banter. There are still many more duties that need to be carried out for the jubilee, and we must not forget our own jobs as mercenaries."

[ ]


"Then I suppose we'll take a request that takes us out of town," Melchior said. "We've already done jubilee preparations for today, so we'll take a run-of-the-mill request." They went over to the request board, where a Galvantula was pinning requests to the notice boards. However, just as they arrived, they noticed him gazing at a request with puzzlement written on his face.

Oh, so Sifis was also around back in the day, huh?

"Hey, Krim," Kallias greeted. "Something up?"

"Yeah," Krim answered. "This mission…it's a tad peculiar. It's different from what we've been getting."

Thaaaat’s not Sifis there. I wonder if the two are related, though, since it does feel more than a little coincidental for two Galvantula to handle the mission board for a Guild.

"Give us a look here," the Sceptile requested. The Galvantula handed him the request, and he read it. [ ]

"Hmm…you're right; this is strange."

Another spot where showing off a bit more character reaction would probably improve the moment a bit.

"What is it, Kallias?" Melchior asked. Kallias showed him the request. [ ]

I've noticed some strange activity going on around Limestone Cavern, where various Pokémon seem to be entering and leaving the place at nighttime. It seems suspicious to me. Then again, it might be nothing. Could some of you fine Irian Guild folks check it out just to make sure there isn't a misunderstanding?​

​

- Karina (Murkrow)​

​

- Reward: 250P​

Would suggest indenting Karina’s mission posting in order to set it apart from the surrounding story text a bit more.

[ ]

"Interesting," Melchior murmured. "Normally, it's 'Hunt down this outlaw,' or 'Find my lost friend or item.' Scouting out somewhere for suspicious activity…this is a bit unusual, alright."

Rufina: “Wait, you’re actually going to do that mission? For 250P? That’s barely enough to buy a Big Apple if prices are like they are in the games!”

"Not that it matters," Kallias replied. "We take on all kinds of missions at the Irian Guild, no matter how small they are. And who knows? It could be just kids playing in Mystery Dungeons. But…if it's the work of criminals, then we can't ignore it. After all, it's worked for us in the past to pursue leads like this. Remember, Melchior, how an inkling request like this one led to us discovering the looted treasures stolen from House Melnyk a few years back, Melchior?"

I personally feel that the struck-out parts of this paragraph aren’t really needed as part of it. I also changed Kallias’ “Remember[...]?” sentence a little format-wise.

"You're quite right." That was among the many missions that had earned Team Marshwood a golden reputation. House Melnyk, the lords of the Morskoya oblast to the west of Iria, were indebted to them, and had become frequent requesters of the Guild's aid. "We'll take this one, then."

I’ll admit, the opinionated narration in between Melchior’s dialogue kinda threw me there. It might’ve made sense to either pull it forward before Melchior started speaking or else work it into Melchior’s dialogue a bit more as an “oh yeah, that job helped put us on the map” sort of thing or something like that.

[ ]

"Sure. Hope you can get to the bottom of it," Krim said. "Good luck, you two."

"Thank you, Krim." Kallias turned back to those they had been talking to Team Silver Axe with a [ ]. "We'll see you all before long."

"...Back on the road with barely a moment's rest," Mitrofan murmured. "...You are an asset to our guild, Team Marshwood. Never let that determination falter."

Some more suggestions for expansions here, though oh boy is Mitty’s encouragement deeply ironic in the present day given that said determination is now working against him.

"Thanks, Mitrofan," Melchior returned. "Come on, Kallias. Let's go and get organised for this."

And so the duo headed up the stairs and out of the Guild, strolling along the road to Iria. [ ]

"...It's a beautiful day," Kallias remarked, looking out at the sea. "...Knowing Elvira, she's probably frolicking on the beach just outside her house. And it's not too warm, either. So hopefully Zenobia should be able to enjoy this too.”

[ ]

“…I suddenly want to go see them."

I feel like something is missing in terms of mood setting before Kallias speaks up again. Maybe it would make sense to show off the surroundings and his general vibe a bit more.

The moment where he trails off and pauses also feels like something that would work better split off into its own paragraph versus what’s there at the moment.

"You'll see them at the jubilee," assured Melchior. "I presume they're coming to Iria?"

"Oh, of course. I wouldn't want them to miss this for the world," the Sceptile answered. "It'll be a day to remember. At the very least, it'll be a great day out for them. …I probably don't need to ask, but Paulina's coming out as well, is she?"

‘Paulina’, huh? I assume that that was one of Mitty’s kids? Since their names admittedly elude me right now.

"Yes, she is," confirmed Melchior. "I haven't seen her in a while, either. She's doing okay, though. I got a letter from her yesterday."

Well, scratch that, then. Though right, Melchior was also married in the past himself. Makes me wonder what on earth ever became of Paulina, anyways.

"Good to hear. It truly feels like everything's falling into place. Like nothing can go wrong next week."

Aaaaaand Kallias just jinxed things there, I can already tell.

Kallias began to hum a happy tune to himself, evidently in a good mood. However, as they got close to Iria, the his good mood vanished upon seeing a certain figure. They got closer to the figure in question, and the Sceptile's gaze hardened at the sight.

The other Pokémon was a black-and-white striped quadruped with red eyes, and they looked about as pleased to see Kallias as he did to them.

Oh, there’s Hinnerk in this Special Episode. See, I knew that we were going to wind up seeing him around.

"Well, if it isn't the Best Behaved Brothers," mocked the Linoone. "Out to be suck-ups to every single person to ever exist again?"

[ ]


"...If it isn't Mr Doom-and-Gloom himself," Kallias scowled. "I wouldn't expect the likes of you to understand the way we do things, Hinnerk."

[ ]


"Come now, you two. Let's be civil about this," Melchior said, trying to play the mediator.

So Hinnerk wasn’t a known criminal seven years ago? Or did he keep that on the down-low until one day he wound up getting caught?

"Butt out, Mel," growled Hinnerk. "You're as bad as each other, earning praise from some stupid client? 'Oh, Team Marshwood's brilliant! Team Marshwood's invincible! Melchior's so handsome! Kallias should be tsar!' It makes me sick!" he snarled. "Use that damn clout instead of sitting on it until you die!"

I smell envy. And copious amounts of butthurt.

"...You never will understand," Kallias shot back. "If you worked half as hard as you insulted, you would already be at Diamond Rank. …No wonder Mitrofan's kept you low on the Guild's rankings. The fact you even managed to get Bronze Rank is a wonder to us all."

"Shut up!" the Linoone hissed. "Goody-goody-two-shoes like you two…I hate your guts. Especially you, Kallias!"

Ah yes, so Hinnerk was basically the Team Skull of the Iria Guild… minus the two buddies to get into trouble with him.

"The feeling's mutual," Kallias curtly returned. "I can make better use of my time by not listening to your rubbish. And that's just what I'll do." With that, the Sceptile walked towards the capital in a huff, followed by Melchior and leaving Hinnerk behind.

[ ]

"...You need to learn to ignore him," the Swampert said, once the Linoone was far out of sight.

Okay, while that advice made sense back in the day, boy would a lot of problems early on in the story have been sidestepped if Kallias just ignored this advice there.

"Somehow, I feel like ignoring him isn't the answer," Kallias replied. "He's bad news, that man. Look the other way, and he's probably out vandalising walls or pickpocketing passersby. I'd bet a lot that man's a petty criminal.”

[ ]

“The only reason's he's even in our Guild is because he has nowhere else to go. …I can appreciate Mitt's hatred for homelessness and wanting to get rid of it, but…"

Yeeeeeeeah, the Irian Guild really needed a better background check system. Since just because Nikita turned things around after getting taken in after a life of petty criminality on the streets didn’t mean that everyone was going to be like that, too.

"...Let's not worry about him," Melchior decided. "Let's focus on preparing for this mission."

"Agreed. The less I think about him, the better." As he said this, Kallias peered into their bag [ ]. "Yes Right, we should definitely get some items. Off to the Merchant's Quarter we go…"

Small missing word in the first paragraph, plus some suggested tweaks for the second.

Lukomoria was a small town in southeastern Selenia. It wasn't a major town when compared to other Selenian settlements (especially to Iria, which dwarfed it in size). However, in the context of the rural Vitor Oblast in which it was located, it was the largest town there. It became a settlement due to travelling merchants from nearby Miletos resting there after trekking over the daunting Empyrean Mountains, or Selenian merchants resting before climbing over them to Miletos. Over time, a community sprouted to cater for these merchants, with inns and supplies being set up there. Before long, a small town had emerged, and in the establishment of the various oblasts of Selenia, due to its recognition as the largest settlement in the surrounding area, it was designated to be the place of the lord's residence in the oblast that would become known as Vitor.

I… feel like this paragraph is both long and has quite a bit of content that’s basically repeated. Consider doing a slimmed-down take of it kinda like the following:

Lukomoria was a small town in southeastern Selenia, inconsequential compared to larger Selenian settlements like Iria that dwarfed it in size, but still the hub of sleepy, rural Vitor Oblast. The town had its roots as a way station for travelling merchants from nearby Miletos resting there after trekking over the daunting Empyrean Mountains, and Selenian merchants resting before making the opposite journey over the mountains. Over time, a community sprouted to cater for these merchants, with inns and supplies being set up there. By the time Selenia had been divided into its various oblasts by Tsar [Such-and-Such], it had grown to be the largest settlement in the area and was designated to host the residence of the newly formed Oblast’s Lord.

Some food for thought, anyways, since it might be a little different in nuance from what you intended. Though that now makes me wonder if they also have Krais as administrative divisions in Selenia as well.

That was where Kallias and Melchior had travelled to, via a Corviknight Taxi, a transportation system that they and many other mercenaries often utilised when travelling long distances. Thanks to it, they reached Lukomoria by early evening, much earlier than they would've done on foot. And now they were in the local tavern, talking to the client, Karina, in question.

I suppose that that’s a sign that there aren’t feral Tinkaton in Selenia, otherwise those taxis would have… uh… problems there.

"So you claim there are mysterious figures entering Limestone Cavern?" Kallias asked.

"Yes." The Murkrow seemed to be in her fifties. "Now I know it might be nothing. Could just be teenagers with nothing better to do. I hope I'm not getting paranoid in my old age."

Wait, Kallias has been around Murkrow enough to just casually guess their age like that? Though what does an elder Murkrow look like anyways? Since there wasn’t really much provided in terms of tangible description.

[ ]

"Could be," ruminated the Sceptile. "But…then again, maybe not. It could be something deeper. Whether or not it's something huge, I'm glad you got in touch with us, Miss Karina."

"And I'm glad to have met Team Marshwood at last," Karina replied. "All those rumours are true. You really are as humble as they say! …I would feel bad, though, if I did end up wasting your time…"

"Don't be," assured Melchior. "Even if it is nothing, we won't be mad. Sometimes missions turn out to be false alarms. If they are hooligans, we'll negotiate with them. If they aren't…well, that waits to be seen."

[ ]


"...I think maybe we ought to get going," Kallias remarked, looking out the nearby window. "The sun's beginning to set. Maybe we'll see them then."

"We should get going Thanks for informing us of this, Karina," Melchior said, rising from his seat. "Thanks for informing us of this, Karina. We'll get to the bottom of this."

A couple spots where IMO, some added description would go a long way to sprucing this section up. I also felt that it was a bit redundant for Melchior to talk about ‘We should be going’ since Kallias does it himself in the line right before.

"I wish you luck," returned the Murkrow. "Hopefully, it's not a waste of time. I hope you two get something from this."

<><><>


The duo left the tavern, and began heading out of town down the road in the direction of Limestone Cavern. The sun was beginning to set deeper into the horizon. Luckily, they still had plenty of time to get there before night fell.

They eventually reached the Mystery Dungeon's entrance, marked by two torchlights and a sign outside the cavern.

I kinda feel like this transition is abrupt enough that it might be worth just hacking things into two scenes here. Either that, or adding something more “in between” here.

"Hmm…" Kallias looked at the ground. "The ground looks well-travelled. There are indeed people going in and out of this place. …We should hide and watch for any more that enter."

"That would be best," Melchior agreed.

Wait, what is this based on? Since there wasn’t any mention of there being footsteps or the like going along the route here that would indicate that this is a particularly well-trodden route.

And so The two slunk over and hid behind some nearby bushes, watching out for anyone that came up to the Dungeon. For a good while, nothing happened, and Team Marshwood quickly found themselves bored. But being the experienced mercenaries they were, they stuck to it, and kept a watchful eye.

Eventually, just as night had finally arrived, Kallias heard footsteps. He gestured a shushing motion to his partner, and Melchior quietly understood.

The two watched as two Pokémon, a Fletchinder and a Thievul, arrived at the entrance. They kept quiet, listening to what these newcomers were saying.

Melchior: “Well, looks like they’re definitely on the ‘hoodlum’ side since only one of those two is a fullevo there.”

"...What do this lot want this stuff for, anyway?" the Fletchinder asked.

"Who cares? We're being paid good money for it," the Thievul replied. "Let's get this over with and earn some sweet moolah!"

They're earning money for this? Kallias's eyes narrowed in suspicion. …Dirty money, no doubt. So this isn't just hooliganism, then. He looked to their persons, where they each had satchels with them, presumably full of materials of some sort.

Okay, not that this isn’t obviously sus, Kallias, but you technically haven’t proven any malfeasance on the Thievul and Fletchinder’s part just yet.

"Well, you know the drill. Get through this Dungeon to the end, where they'll be waiting for us. And then we'll have another pile of cash!" The Thievul's eyes shone with glee. "I was thinking about maybe hiring a girl for the night…"

I’ll take the under on this Thievul making it out of this first part of the Special Episode alive given all the “person of ill-repute and low morals” flags that he’s tipping right now.

"Whatever. I'm not interested in hearing about what you'll do with your spendings," shut down the Fletchinder snapped. "Let's just get this over with."

Shady!Fletchinder: “And I still don’t understand why we couldn’t have just done this translation in the back of a tavern like normal Pokémon.” >v>;

The two shady Pokémon headed into the Dungeon. They hadn't noticed the gecko and mudfish hiding in the bushes that had seen everything.

"...Let's give chase tail them," Melchior suggested.

"Agreed. Let's We need to figure out what's really going on here." Kallias moved out of their hiding spot, followed by his partner, and the two went into the Dungeon.

I kinda wonder if there should’ve been a bit more back and forth between Kallias and Melchior about whether or not they should’ve just stopped those two right there only to realize “we need them to go on until they meet whoever’s at the bottom” or something like that.

Limestone Cavern

B1F​

Kallias and Melchior found themselves in a cave which, as the name implied, was filled with grey limestone walls. [ ]

"As you'd expect for this part of the country," murmured Kallias. "...I don't need a lecture on how all of the processes of limestone work again. I won't lie - that guided tour at the information centre in Kamengrad was one of the most boring things I've had to endure."

Shots fired at Kamengrad. Though I feel like we need a bit more mood-setting on Kallias and Melchior’s part before they start speaking here.

"Mm," nodded Melchior, recalling his partner moaning about this at some point in the past. "...Didn't you say Elvira enjoyed it?"

"She did." It had been a family occasion a few years back, when Kallias had brought Zenobia and Elvira to Kamengrad one summer. "I'm glad she can glean something from it, at least. She's like a sponge with information, that girl. I hope she can put that to good use when she becomes a mercenary."

Oh hey, I think I know what Kallias’ face looked like back then:

[ ]

"Not long to go now," the Swampert pointed out. "She did turn eleven recently."

"Yes, and as the day comes closer to her joining the Guild, I get more and more excited," Kallias replied. "Honestly, it makes me giddy like a little child sometimes. I have high hopes for her when she enters."

[ ]

"...We'll show her the way when that day comes," Melchior said. "...But before then, let's focus on doing our own jobs first."

"Agreed. Let's look for the stairs."

Highlighted a couple spots where it’s probably worth dropping in a bit of added description here, since this is pretty “disembodied dialogue” at the moment.

For a team that had been doing this dungeon crawls such as these for the better part of fifteen years, this the process had become fairly mundane for them: hunt down the steps to the next floor, and defeat any wild Pokémon that got in their way. They had been doing it since founding Team Marshwood, and they didn't see their way of doing things this way changing any time soon.

I can see why this part stuck in Melchior’s memories, really. Since boy did that not age well at all just two years later.

Their experience in this field could be seen in combat. Having honed their skills over the years, the ferals were a cinch, easily being felled by Kallias's Leaf Blade or Melchior's Mud Bomb - the signature moves which had earned them their mercenary names from the time they’d spent in Alba on missions. had earned them those names, as A custom that the warrior clans of the north were wont to do to mercenaries, typically the famous ones, that they’d brought home with them.

Some suggestions for tweaks to this paragraph here.

"It's only a name," Kallias had remarked about this to fellow Guild colleagues some time back. "I don't love it, I don't hate it. As long as I can keep doing my job as a merc, people can come up with whatever name they wish for us. ‘Fernblade Kallias’ isn't half bad a name. I'll take it."

Right, that’s Kallias’ epithet. Though that makes me wonder if Arian and Elvira will wind up picking epithets from their stint in Alba in due time or not.

Melchior's sentiments were similar to his partner's. They knew, really, that the nicknames were compliments more than anything. And if they were being praised in that way, it must mean they were doing something right.

I’ll admit that this feels like a bit of a drift from the ongoing events in the Mystery Dungeon, I wonder if it’d have made more sense to provide a bit more specifics of this moment that Kallias/Melchior were flashing back to here and making it more obvious that one or the other is zoning out.

Especially so, for a team that had reached the second highest rank possible within the Guild system: Master Rank. It was a rank of high esteem that only dedicated, veteran mercenaries had managed to climb to. It was for One bestowed to those committed to the art of carrying out mercenary missions with the utmost dedication to their clients. This was a cut apart from those that only became a mercenary for the money; Pokémon of that disposition only became a mercenary for the money typically often never reached this rose anywhere as high on the totem pole, but if a mercenary stuck to their creed of putting the clients first and foremost, then and only then could they even hope of rising to the height of Master Rank.

I kinda feel that the whole “attaining to Master Rank” part is kinda told twice over at the moment, but I was unsure how to condense them since the two instances slightly differ in important nuances. I left some other suggestions that stood out to me as ways to tighten things up, though.

However…there was one rank that was even higher than this one: It was an esteemed honour known as Grandmaster Rank. This It was an esteemed honour that was for the truly exceptional of the truly exceptional; it was an honour bestowed on teams jointly by their guildmaster and the ruler of their country. There weren't any strict rules on awarding Grandmaster Rank, but it was generally viewed that the nominees had to do something considerably truly exceptional for their country, given that the country's ruler had a say in the matter.

Some more wording tweak suggestions here that I’d like to propose for this paragraph here.

Team Hope were one of the lucky few mercenary teams in history to be awarded Grandmaster Rank, for their instrumental work in the ousting of the Eastern Alliance from Selenia while the tsardom was stewing in ruinous famine two hundred years ago. For mercenaries of the Irian Guild, this was the height to reach for, This was what Grandmaster Rank truly meant, and the level of exceptionalism that was required for this honour. Plainly, no In spite of untold attempts, it remained a height had never been reached since by a Selenian, and as a result, the Irian Guild hadn't bestowed Grandmaster Rank on anyone since Team Hope. The majority of those with mercenaries of Grandmaster Rank were Alban, and none came from Dresilia or Miletos due to their disdain for mercenaries and guilds. ( as "officially sanctioned Western brigandry". the most anti-West purists would cry.)

Huh. That actually makes me wonder just how common mercenaries turning to banditry is given the exceedingly negative stereotype from the ‘civilized’ side of Ardalion. And what fills the void there if the answer isn’t ‘the state’.

Kallias and Melchior had no desire to attain Grandmaster Rank. It was like with the nicknames; they would take it as long as it didn't impede their ability to carry out their mercenary work. But certainly, they had no desire to make a big fuss over the occasion. When pressed over what they would do if they were bestowed Grandmaster Rank, they usually responded with having a day of ceremony if they had to, and then returning right back to work the day after.

They were committed to their jobs; that was what made them among the most respected people in the general society, not just in the mercenary business. And it was that commitment that kept them experienced and strong.

Strong enough to bulldoze through the next few floors with no trouble at all.

I kinda wonder if a decent chunk of the above exposition such as the whole ‘eh, I’m good on chasing Grandmaster Rank’-ness of Team Marshwood would’ve been worth actually showing in an exchange between Kallias and Melchior, especially since this is written as a retold story by Melchior, so you’d think that the account would specifically focus on moments that stood out to him 7 years after the fact. A conversation with Kallias that stuck with him feels like a decent candidate for such a moment, while the present format admittedly kinda zones out from the “ongoing events” in favor of a lot of exposition right now.

Limestone Cavern

B6F​

[ ]


"So how deep is this Dungeon?" Kallias asked.

"...Seven floors, I believe," Melchior replied. "We're on the sixth floor, so…we're near the end."

It’s probably worth explicitly setting the scene of this portion of the Mystery Dungeon, especially if there’s any major physical features that are going to be important for snooping in on the shady duo or else an impending fight.

[ ]

"There's still no sign of those two from earlier," noted the Sceptile. "Let's still keep our wits about us."

They began their search for the stairs. A wild Grumpig came upon them, but two Night Slashes from Kallias saw to the end of that distraction. It was a similar case with a Graveler, who suffered was swiftly defeated by a Muddy Water to the face and was defeated. This became the routine, until eventually, they walked into a room…

…and came face to face with two familiar figures. Specifically…the Thievul and the Fletchinder.

"Ah, there you are!" Kallias exclaimed.

[ ]


"Wah!" the Thievul jumped cried. "Who the hell are you?! You're not a feral!"

[ ]


"That's right. And I've got more than a few questions to ask you. I trust you won't have a problem with that?"

IMO, show off the delivery team’s reaction a bit more explicitly, especially if there was more to their reaction than just the Thievul jumping.

"...Wait a minute…"

The Fletchinder sized up both the Sceptile and Swampert before him, and reeled back in horror.

"Oh shit! That's…That's Team Marshwood right there!"

"What?! You mean…the Team Marshwood?" The Thievul was aghast. "...Damn…if they know what's going on here, then - !"

Melchior: “We’re right here, you know!”

Kallias: “Well, I was willing to entertain the possibility that you two were just duped, but with a reaction like that, no, you’re pretty obviously up to something nefarious.”

[ ]

"So my theory was correct. There is something nefarious going on here," Kallias said. "What's going on in this Dungeon, you two?"

"You'll have to catch us first!" the Thievul taunted, before turning tail and running away.

I’m honestly surprised that the Thievul was able to manage that without instantly getting run down by Kallias and Melchior-

…Alas for him, he came into contact with a wild Omastar.

… Or that could happen. That works, too.

"Oh come on! Get out of my way!" he raged, before engaging in battle with it. However, he also found Kallias coming up on his rear. Flanked on both sides by the Omastar and Sceptile, he suffered a defeat at their hands, slumping to his side in unconsciousness.

Okay, not that I expect this random Thievul to put up a huge fight, but I feel like this skirmish (or more probably, a curbstomp from some combination of Kallias and Melchior) should’ve been shown off in a bit more detail than a high-level summary since we don’t even know what Thievul got wrecked by.

Fletchinder: “I’m… just going to turn and fly away really fast right now-” ^v^;
Melchior: “Not so fast there, Chirpy.” >:|

"...Thanks for that," Kallias said to the feral. "A pity I have to take you out like this. But…that's just the way it is." A flash of a Leaf Blade, and that was that for the Omastar.

Turning back to the room, the Sceptile saw that his partner hadn't slacked on his end, and pinned down the Fletchinder. [ ]

"Tell us. What kind of dealings are you doing down here?" Melchior interrogated demanded.

Lol. I was joking about the Fletchinder and Melchior bit earlier. Though I think that it probably makes sense to describe Melchior and/or the Fletchinder’s moods and reactions a bit more.

"D-Don't ask me!" squawked the Fletchinder. "I just do this for the money! I'm not a part of whatever they do!"

[ ]


"'They?' …Who exactly are 'they?'" the Swampert pressed.

"...I don't know. They just came to us, asking for certain materials and offering good money for them. We thought, 'Why not?' and went in. We don't know what they do with these materials," the fire bird elaborated. "Look! Please! I'm just the messenger! That's all I know! I don't know any more than that! You gotta believe me!"

Melchior: “... Right. We were supposed to wait on them to actually meet whoever their clients were before ambushing them.” ^^;

"...We'll see what's really going on here," Kallias decided. "But if this is illicit business going on here, then you are complicit in it. We'll see what the knights have to say about this when we contact them. Until then, you're coming with us to the end."

[ ]

"...I don't have a choice, do I?" muttered the Fletchinder. "...Fine. I'll come."

"Good." Kallias picked up the unconscious Thievul. "Let's get to the bottom of this - both the Dungeon and this whole business."

They didn't have to search for long - the stairs were only two rooms away. They traversed into the depths below, wondering what secrets awaited them.

Boy are Melchior and Kallias fortunate that these two cheaped out on dungeon items since this would be a rather risky teamup on their part there.

Limestone Cavern

Depths​

The first thing that Kallias and Melchior were aware of was the glow of torchlight in the depths of the Dungeon. This was It immediately struck them as peculiar since normally, Dungeons didn't normally have this torches. Therefore… In their past experience, it was a telltale indicator that someone or some group of people was using this place as a gathering site was being used by someone or a group of people.

Some suggested rephrasings for this section here to smooth things out.

"...I'm not meant to come past here," the Fletchinder said nervously. "I'm just meant to leave drop off the stuff goods here, and then leave. That's it. No questions asked. That's how they want it, if I'm going to be paid."

Buddy, you’re going to be exceedingly lucky to wind up anywhere outside of a cell after all this. So maybe cool it about the lost pay there.

"Well, now you're coming with us across that line," Kallias said. "Let's see just who you've been dealing with."

[ ]

"...If you insist." The Fletchinder sighed in acceptance, and carried on.

A spot where it might make sense to show a bit more of the Fletchinder’s reaction here. Especially if he’s worried about losing things beyond a paycheck from all of this.

They walked to where the cave seemed to open up. Notably, the sound of rushing water could be heard, meaning they were near a subterranean river, as was common in eastern Selenia. But… they also heard the sound of footsteps and people moving around could also be heard. And as well as that, and a whiff of [ ] hung along the air…

"...What's that smell?" Kallias asked, sniffing the air. An indescribable odour drifted through the air. It wasn't noxious, but…somehow, it didn't smell nice either.

"It smells…" Melchior took in the air. "...It smells like something's cooking. …But it smells a bit sterile. What is it? It doesn't feel natural, somehow."

I would recommend pulling bits and parts of the “indescribable odour” moment forward before Kallias and Melchior start making commentary about it.

"Let's go and have a look," Kallias said, venturing deeper. And soon, they found an unusual sight.

A number of Pokémon were gathered around a brewing cauldron. Whatever was brewing in the cauldron was causing the unusual smell. The Pokémon, approximately four of them, looked up when they heard the footsteps and wing flaps of the entrants.

"Hey!" one of them, an Ambipom, called out angrily, recognising the Fletchinder. "You're not allowed to come here! You're meant to leave your stuff and scram!"

Melchior: “(Boy is it a good thing that these ‘mons apparently have been living under a rock…) Okay, what on earth is going on here?” >:|

"Look, it's not me! It's them!" The fire bird gestured to the two men to the left of him. "They forced me to come here!"

"Tch! And who arrre zese two?" spat a female Toxicroak with an unusual accent that rolled the r's a lot. "Get out of herrre, beforrre ve make you!"

I think that it probably would’ve made sense to describe the Pokémon present (or at least the more important ones) when Melchior and Kallias walk into the room. Also Eldisholmer detected with an accent like that, since I’m well aware of what a stereotypical German accent sounds like.

"Sorry, but I won't leave until you explain what exactly is going on here," Kallias defiantly replied.

"Oh yeah? Says who?" snarked an Ariados.

"Says Kallias and Melchior of Team Marshwood."

Kallias: “(I think that you were onto something about these ‘mons living under a rock, Melchior.)”

That was all that needed to be said. The very mention of the famous team name caused three of the four Pokémon around the cauldron to stiffen in shock.

"Team Marshwood?!" shrieked a Shiinotic shrieked.

"Oh shit! We've been found out!" cried the Ariados cried.

"Crap, crap, crap!" shouted the Ambipom shouted in fear. "There's no way we can beat them in battle!"

Kallias: “I’ll just take that as a confession that you were up to something bad. So, are you coming quietly, or what?” >:|

[ ]

"...Zat rrremains to be seen," the Toxicroak said, seemingly unfazed. "Ve vill not let zese merrrcenarrries boss us arrround! I don't carrre if zey arrre famous! Ve vill vin!" She stepped out from behind the cauldron. "Do yourrr vorrrst, merrrcenarrries!"

I think that it probably makes sense to emphasize how unfazed Toxicroak is as a contrast to her underlings before they get wound up for battle. And yeah, she’s totally an Eldisholmer. I can already tell.

[ ]

"...You want us at our worst, eh?" Kallias replied. "...Alright, then, if that's what you want. No holds barred action - watch us as we cut you all down within two minutes!"

[ ]

"Ve vill hold you to zat!" The Toxicroak got into a battle stance. With a hint of reluctance and wariness, her companions did the same. "Ve vill make you rrregrrret everrr stepping foot in herrre!"

Another spot where it probably would’ve made sense to show a bit more description of both sides getting ready for battle. Though wait, what is that Fletchinder trying to do right now anyways? Are they helping Kallias and Melchior? Trying to fly away for dear life at the moment? Something in between?

"...Two minutes. That's all it will take." Kallias got ready. "Ready, Melchior?"

"Ready, Kallias."

"Then let's do it."

Cue the theme music:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1weNnjzaXbY


Toxicroak: “Jazz? Vat on earth is-?”
Kallias: “Random encounter music. Since your weird accent aside, this is shaping up to be another Tuesday for us.”
Melchior: “Would’ve thought that we’d have something from Fire Emblem right about now, but guess our writer was running a bit dry there.”

The Sceptile wasted no time in forming Leaf Blades in his hand. He equally wasted no time in getting into the thick of things, dashing toward the Ambipom and doing battle with him.

"Crap! Double Hit!"

The purple monkey swung his attack, but he could not stop the onslaught of slashes coming his way. However, what horrified him was after the Leaf Blade attack, where Kallias followed up with another strike. This time, the energy coming off his Leaf Blades was a light green colour, as he performed a cross slash in the shape of an X.

Oh hey, the Xenoblade music was well called given that these guys are just casually calling out their attacks at the moment.

Many Pokémon could learn X-Scissor, Sceptile being among them. Many used their claws to execute the move. However, Kallias used X-Scissor in a different way; he often combined it with his Leaf Blades. Through this, he cultivated a new method of attack: a move that, deriving from the nom de mercenaire he had been given, he named Ferned Cross Slash.


And it was this attack that resulted in the defeat of the Ambipom. The battle was over as soon as it had begun.

"Dammit…Knew we couldn't win…" were his only words before succumbing to unconsciousness.

Huh, there’s apparently some corner of Ardalion that uses French. Duly noted there. Though I kinda wonder if the expositioning would work better if it’s not jammed in right in the middle of the flow of things. e.x. Consider something like:

The purple monkey swung his attack, but he could not stop the onslaught of slashes coming his way. However, what horrified him was after the Leaf Blade attack, where Kallias followed up with another strike. This time, the energy coming off his Leaf Blades was a light green colour, as he performed a cross slash in the shape of an X.

“Wh-What the-?!”

The battle was over as soon as it had begun as Kallias brought his blades down, sending the Ambipom pitching to the floor. The Normal-type struggled to get up as Kallias briefly gave a disinterested glance his way.

“I call that a ‘Ferned Cross Slash’,” the Sceptile scoffed. “Amazing what throwing these blades behind an X-Scissor can accomplish.”

The monkey stared briefly, as his arms wavered and began to give out from under him.

"Dammit…Knew we couldn't win…" were his only words before succumbing to unconsciousness.

Granted, that might be going out on a limb a bit for Kallias’ personality, but it’s some food for thought there.

Kallias wasn't the only one getting in on the action, though. Melchior was making headway on his own opponents. The Ariados and Toxicroak worked to try and double team the Swampert. This didn't work, though; the Swampert merely used Muddy Water and hit both of them.

Even if I can already tell that Toxicroak will prove surprisingly resistant. I do wonder if showing more of the blow by blow would’ve made this more interesting to see play out, though.

However, the Toxicroak took no damage. "Hah!" she taunted. "Yourrr Vaterrr moves vill only be a balm to my Drrry Skin! Take this!"

She hurled a Mud Bomb at the mudfish, who weathered the blow. [ ]

"Is that so?" Melchior murmured, mud dripping off his frame. "Oh well. A slight snag. Nothing that can't be rectified. …Not a bad Mud Bomb you pulled off there. But…let's just say there's a good reason why I've earned the nickname 'Mud Bomber Melchior.'"

In his right hand, he formed a large ball of mud. [ ]

"Have some of this!" He threw it at the Toxicroak, and it hit her square on.

That actually makes me wonder if Dry Skin ‘mons get toasted easier to Blast Seeds or not.

Fletchinder: “Do do-do dooo do. Do do-do. Do doot-doot do-do doo~”
Toxicroak: “Is zat really necesarrrrry right now?” >_>;
Fletchinder: “What? The background music’s catchy!” ^v^;

"Agh!" the poison frog cried out. "You vill pay forrr that!" She turned to her teammates. "Come to me! I need backup!"

Shiinotic + Ariados:

Kallias: “Well, I suppose that’s one way to tell that none of you invested in an Escape Orb. Anyhow, let’s just get this battle over with.”

"Kinda busy here!" the Ariados cried back.

Kallias had engaged combat with him, and very quickly, the arachnid was finding out that facing up against the tree gecko was no joke. The Sceptile was giving him no leeway and the lightning-fast slashes proved to be as painful as they were quick. Particularly when Kallias was using another of his techniques with his Leaf Blades.

Kinda feel like the underlined should be shown a bit more “blow by blow” than what you’re presently doing at the moment.

"Blackthorn Cross Slash!"

This was a combination of Night Slash and Leaf Blade, and the many cuts being dealt to the Ariados were starting to take their toll. By comparison, the spider's own cutting attacks, Slash and Cross Poison, fell far short in dealing enough damage. The combat experience between them both was all too evident, for despite the glaring type disadvantage, Kallias had no trouble one-upping his opponent and knocking him out for the count.

Oh, so we’re doing all the move combinations for this fight. Boy was that TtGC music more fitting for this moment than I anticipated.

I do feel that this is a bit “told” and not “shown” at the moment. It might have made sense to just describe the last blow running over the Ariados in more detail there instead of doing a high-level summary.

Things were quickly turning against the strangers in the cave. The Shiinotic turned to Melchior, and tried to make use of the type advantage. He launched a Sleep Powder intent on putting the Swampert to sleep. However, Melchior merely used Dig to get out of harm's way on that front.

And this was a mistake on the Shiinotic's part, because that left him wide open to Kallias. This was unfortunate, for he was particularly vulnerable to another attack in the Sceptile's arsenal.

Shiinotic:

"Belladonna Cross Slash!"

This was a combination of Leaf Blade and Cross Poison. A few slashes with this attack, and the mushroom fairy, especially weak to the attack, slumped to the floor.

Boy, Kallias has been using all the Link Boxes in his career, hasn’t he? Though same shtick here with this very action-y moment being quite a bit more exposition-y than I expected. I actually kinda wonder if it’d have made sense to introduce one of these combos in a feral battle earlier on, and the rest of “crossed moves” might have made sense to have the enemies ID them in a “wait, you can use [X] attack?!” sort of style.

That left only the Toxicroak. She looked at her fallen comrades, then back to Kallias, fury crossing her face.

"You!" She angrily pointed at the Sceptile. "How darrre you! But I vill beat you! A filzy merrrcenarrry like you vill not vin against me!"

Kallias:

“With all due respect, lady. But read the room right now and face the music.”
Fletchinder: “It is peppy and jazzy right now, just saying.” ^v^;
Melchior: “Wait, why on earth are you still-? Whatever, come on, Kallias, let’s wrap this up already.”

"Yes, I will," Kallias said. Then he quickly reached into his bag, and threw a stun seed at her. [ ]

"Gah! I can't move! How darrre you!" she raged.

The Stun Seed is never mentioned actually hitting the Toxicroak there. That’s probably a detail that’s worth explicitly showing off.

"Now, Melchior!" the Sceptile signalled.

With this At once, the Swampert emerged from under the Toxicroak and struck. But it didn't stop there; with his leap into the air, Melchior conjured a Mud Bomb and threw it downwards at her. Kallias dodged out of the way to avoid being splattered with mud.

"Grrr…" The Toxicroak tried to get onto her feet to make a comeback. But it never happened. [ ]

"...Well, I think what I said stands," Kallias said. "That did take about two minutes."

Would also recommend explicitly showing the Toxicroak keeling over defeated, since that’s also not mentioned at the moment.

"Yeah…Pity it's not a bet this time," Melchior lightly lamented, in what seemed to be remembrance of a past event. "Remember the look of humiliation on that Exploud's face when we actually succeeded in bringing our enemy down in two minutes? At least he was a man of his word and coughed up in the end."

"Ah, yes. That was brilliant, wasn't it?" Kallias smiled in mirth, remembering that time of the past. [ ]

"...But as much as I'd love to reminisce, we're not here to do that. We're here to figure out what exactly is going on here. Just why are these people gathered here? And what in the world are they brewing in that big cauldron over there?" He pointed to the item in question, before turning to the mud-covered Toxicroak. "Perhaps you can fill us in, madam?"

I feel like the “time of the past” part is something that is a bit vague. Is this referring to a specific incident? If so, it might make sense to have the narration give a bit more detail to glom onto about it.

[ ]


"Neverrrr!" snapped the poison frog. "I vill neverrr tell ze likes of you!"

[ ]


"...There's another thing I'm curious about," Melchior said. "Your comrades seemed to know who we were. But yet you didn't. That's quite a mystery, alright."

"You zink I have time to learrrn orrr rrrememberrr ze names of merrrcenarrries?" the Toxicroak spat.

Kallias: “Okay, seriously, lady. What rock did you crawl out from under? Since we’re not exactly forgettable people around these parts.”

"It feels like it's basic knowledge for most people. Most outlaws recognise us almost instantly these days. Especially in Selenia. …You must live under quite a rock, madam, to not have heard of us," Kallias observed.

Man, I love it when I can call ‘em like that.

"Where do you come from, for that matter?" questioned Melchior. "You don't sound like you're from around here. I haven't heard anyone in Selenia with your accent. Even those Pokémon who live in the rural reaches of Karelia and Morskoya don't possess an accent like yours."

"I vill not tell you!" she shouted once again.

Yeah, she’s totally from Eldisholm. I can already tell.

"...Hmm…I'll take that as a confirmation that you're not Selenian," Kallias replied. "But that doesn't answer our questions. Who are you? Where do you come from? And what are you doing brewing this suspicious liquid? What is it, and why are you making it here?"

"You ask so many qvestions," the Toxicroak said in irritation. "...But you vill know vat zat is in time. It will be ze beginning…ze beginning of ourrr rrrise from ze ashes! You vill eventually pay forrr zis! Ven ve rrrise again, you vill - "

Melchior: “Kallias? Can I conk her? Please tell me I can conk her.”

"Okay, I think we've heard enough out of you," interrupted Kallias. "Let's see if you're still singing the same tune when the knights arrive. …Melchior, shut her up, please."

"Sure thing," the Swampert obliged, and delivered a blow to the Toxicroak's neck. That sent her into unconsciousness.

Well, I got the “can we shut her up” party wrong, but yeah, I kinda figured that she was wearing those two’s patience a little thin. Even if I can already tell that there’s going to be a point sometime down the line in this story where Melchior will wind up kicking himself over not letting Ms. Dart Frog there rant a bit longer.

[ ]

"She was saying some weird things," murmured Kallias. "A rise from the ashes? Just what was she talking about?"

"I don't know," Melchior replied. "But I don't like the sound of it at all. She said 'we'...that implies more people. …Could she be talking about an underground movement? If so…then this might be quite worrying."

Can’t tell if this is going to wind up being related to that Yveltal cult or whatever Hinnerk was implied to have had going on in Ozerograd with those “sacrifices” that we never got to the bottom of.

"Yes," agreed Kallias. "The knights should definitely get wind of this. Granted, she might just be muttering nonsense. But…if it runs deeper, then it wouldn't hurt to let them know of this."

"That would be wise," agreed Melchior.

Fletchinder: “So, um… can I go now? Since I just signed up for getting paid for my stuff and not whatever creepy cult thing was going on back there.” ^v^;
Kallias: “I’m honestly shocked that you’re still here at the moment. Oh, and take your fox friend with you.”

"...But that's not what's bothering me right now." Kallias turned back to the cauldron. "It's that." He walked over to it. "Just what is this?"

Within the cauldron wasn't a bubbling liquid, rather one that had cooled and was now calm. But what struck the Sceptile was the clarity of it. It was as if he was looking at the clearest of waters, and could see directly to the bottom of the cauldron.

It looked so still, and so much like water.

Kallias: “In retrospect, maybe we shouldn’t have knocked out that Toxicroak so quickly. Since I’m sure she’d know what on earth this stuff is.”

…Too much like water, Kallias thought. Somehow, something doesn't seem right here.

Looking around, he saw other odd items too.

"Bark?" commented the Sceptile. "That's bark off some kind of tree…" Indeed, some clumps of a mossy bark were gathered in a pot. Other clumps of bark were present on a makeshift table. On this table was also a kind of white powder which looked like salt.

I was going to say that this might be Aqua Tofana, but no, not enough nightshade and arsenic for that.

"This all looks very strange," Melchior commented. "I don't understand this at all. Just what are they doing down here?"

"...I don't know either. And I get the feeling the Fletchinder dealer doesn't know either." Kallias turned back to the fire bird in question. "Hey. What did you bring down here for these people to use?"

Fletchinder: “W-Wait, I thought that you said that I could lea-!” OvO;
Kallias: “That wasn’t canon. Also, I changed my mind. Now, out with it.”

"...I don't know what they wanted it for," the Fletchinder sighed, before tossing a bag the Sceptile's way. "Just take it. The jig's up, anyway. At least if I cooperate, I might get a reduced sentence."

"Thank you." Kallias opened the bag, and found himself surprised by what he found.

"...Flowers?"

They were indeed some flowers. Specifically, a flower with white petals and golden anthers. They looked rather pretty, as if a plot of them wouldn't look out of place in a nobleman's garden. Kallias couldn't help but think that Zenobia would like them. A bouquet of them would no doubt be a great gift for her, he thought in that moment.

Um… maybe I was a bit quick to say that there weren’t any nightshades present. Though if that’s indeed so, you probably want to give some more details about the flowers such as them looking ‘star-shaped’.

"Hmm. What flower is that?" Melchior wondered.

"I don't know. I'm no botanist," the Sceptile said.

"Well...Helena is," the Swampert pointed out, thinking of the head nurse at the Irian Guild. "We could go to her and get her opinion on the matter."

They’re totally nightshades. I can already tell.

"Indeed. Or…Zenobia," Kallias proposed. "She knows a fair bit about flowers. And if she doesn't know…then we could always take it to Helena."

Melchior already proposed going to see Helena, so I think that you need some other nuance to the whole “we’ll see Helena afterwards”. e.x. if going from Vitor back to Ozerograd is faster than going directly to Iria anyways.

[ ]

"...Is that just an excuse to visit her and Elvira?" Melchior presumed.

"...Yes," the Sceptile admitted. "I know I'll see her and Elvira at the jubilee, of course, but…I kinda want to move that forward a little."

[ ]

"I'd be okay with that," Melchior agreed. "I'm not against the idea of seeing them. A detour to Ozerograd tomorrow wouldn't delay too much time. We would still make it to Iria by late afternoon."

I like how they’re making these plans while they still have five fainted Pokémon and one conscious one to wrangle. Since you’d think that they’d be warier about blabbing like this in front of a guy that’s going to prison. ^^;

"And then can still inform Helena of all of this," Kallias went on. "...In fact, you know what? She's the one most knowledgeable of this kind of thing among nearly everyone in the Guild. If we gather some of the ingredients, and some of whatever this liquid is, then she might be able to piece together what this is. Maybe it's a long shot, but…we might be able to figure this out with her help."

Not sure if I’m really feeling the redux of “let’s bring this to Helena”, even if I suppose the nuance is a little different. I wonder if it might make sense to more explicitly focus on the “water” and its identity for that part in that case.

Alternatively, you could just rouse one of those four to tell you whatever’s in the pot, and if they refuse, make them drink it. Them refusing would be an instant giveaway that it’s some sort of poison.

He dug out one of the canteens of water from the bag, and downed the rest of it. Then he went to collect some of the mysterious liquid. Just in case, he took care not to get any of it on his hand, in case it happened to be a corrosive liquid. Soon, he had a sample that he could show Helena when they returned to the Guild.

Just saying, if that’s indeed bland-name Aqua Tofana, you’d better hope nobody uses that canteen anytime soon, Melchior.

Melchior gathered up the other items, and they put them all together in the bag that the Fletchinder had thrown to them.

"What now?" he asked Kallias.

"We get the knights to investigate this place and pick this lot up," Kallias replied, seeing the unconscious four around him, and the two they had brought into this area in the first place. "They should probably know about this, just in case it's something deeper. And if I know how these things usually are…then it probably is. But if it is…I think we need to do some investigating of our own. Best not to mention this - " He gestured to Melchior's bag. " - to them."

[ ]


"Right. So…back to the town?"

Oh, so the knights were already around even before Mitrofan’s takeover. I wonder just how far back their rivalry with Selenia’s mercenaries goes back anyways.

"Yup. And tomorrow…" A smile crossed Kallias' face.

"I’ll get to see my family again."

I’d be worried about this, but then I remember that Elvira literally has no recollection of any major traumatic childhood incidents from seven years ago, so she’ll probably be fine here.

The next day…



"Just watch, Ellie! I'll beat you yet!"

“Ellie”, huh? I wonder who that is playing with Elvira there?

Three eleven-year-olds were gathered out the front of a humble house just outside of Ozerograd. A Treecko and Pachirisu were in the middle of a spar with one another, while a Petilil sat off to the side and observed with interest.

"Will you now?" Elvira replied. "Well then, come at me, Tamara!"

Well, that answers that question there.

"Gladly!" With that, Tamara ran forward, and jumped to launch an attack on her opponent. However, she was too open with the attack. Elvira saw this, and sidestepped it, before using Absorb on Tamara. [ ]

"Urgh…Nope, I give up," submitted the Pachirisu. "You've gotten a lot better, Ellie. What's your secret?"

Would recommend writing out the battle sequence between Tamara and Elvira a bit more, especially the part where Tamara keels over and gives in.

"I got in touch with Dad and asked him to give me some pointers after I lost the last match with you," Elvira replied. "He did that, and I've worked hard to put them to use the past few months."

[ ]

"Wow," Tamara said. "...Your dad's great."

"Yeah…He is," Elvira smiled. She was about to say more, but she was abruptly cut off by another voice.

"Hearing compliments from my daughter never fails to put a smile on my face. Good to see you're putting my advice to good use, Elvira."

Elvira: “... Dad?!”

"That voice!" Elvira turned, and her eyes shone at who she saw: Kallias and Melchior.

"Dad!" she yelled in delight, as she sprinted towards her father, as he got on his knee and prepared for the inevitable tight embrace.

Yeah, I figured. Though I suppose that Elvira and her friends all gathering at her house definitely made this easy for Kallias instead of him having to try and track her down at Tamara’s or something.

[ ]

"How's my girl?" Kallias asked, as the two hugged. "Goodness, you've gotten bigger again since I last saw you. It's only been a few months, hasn't it?"

"Yeah. But it's felt like forever," the Treecko replied. "I had no idea you were coming, Dad! But thanks so much! It's like an early birthday present!"

Would suggest adding a bit more description of the two actually coming into contact with each other and hugging and being mushy with one another.

"Your birthday was earlier this year, remember?" reminded her father. "I got you a book on Miletan myths that you were really happy with. Knowing you, you've probably read it front to back five times over already."

[ ]

"Well…I can't help it. It's really interesting…" Elvira tried to reason, only to hear slight snickering from Flora and Tamara.

"And that's okay. You should always pursue whatever you find interesting, Elvira," Kallias encouraged. "You could make a hobby out of those kinds of things off to the side when you become a mercenary later on. For now though…revel in the frolics of childhood like hanging out with your friends."

He gave an acknowledging nod to Flora and Tamara. [ ]

"Thank you both for keeping my daughter company."

A couple spots where it probably makes sense to expand things a bit in terms of character reactions here.

Tamara couldn't help but give a slight squee at this praise.

"Oh my gosh! Fernblade Kallias praised me!" she whispered in delight to Flora.

"...Seriously? Aren't you used to the fact that our best friend's dad is one of the most famous mercenaries in Ardalion by now?" Flora deadpanned.

Slight suggestion for an expansion to Flora’s line there.

"He's not around most of the time, though," Tamara pointed out. "But he's here now and he just praised me! Eeeeee!"

Well, if Kallias is not dead at the moment, I can already tell that his return to Ozerograd is going to be quite lulzy once Tamara gets involved.

Flora could only roll her eyes at her friend's reactions. Melchior, who was near to them, noticed this.

"We get a lot of that," he said to the Petilil. "Your friend's not an unusual case."

"...Good to know, Mud Bomber Melchior," Flora returned.

[ ]

"...Now then." Kallias pulled himself off another tight embrace from his daughter. "Is your mother around?"

IMO, the shift in topic before Kallias starts bringing up “Where’s mom?” is best handled with a bit of description to capture the change in mood and the like.

"Oh, Mom's - "

"Right here, Kallias," a new voice called out.

Looking at the door, the Sceptile saw a Heliolisk at the front door. A bright smile crossed his face as he looked upon the woman he loved with all of his heart.

"Hello, Zenobia," Kallias greeted. "How are you on this fine summer's day?"

"Very well. And even better now that you and Melchior have arrived. It's good to see you both." The Heliolisk smiled warmly. "Will you come in for some tea, the both of you?"

I’ll admit, I was expecting something a bit more intimate than “How are you on this fine summer’s day?” as an address as opposed to something like “It’s been a while / I’ve missed you” or something like that.

It does feel like something that Melchior would say as a close acquaintance, though.

"Of course. There's also something else, too, that I'd like to talk to you about," Kallias added. "I'll tell you all about it inside."

Kallias: “So… you still have that amateur botany thing going on, right?” ^^;
Zenobia: “... Yes? Kallias, where on earth is this going?” .-.

"So…it's a mystery, this mission you did?"

Zenobia had prepared tea for Team Marshwood once they had gotten inside. Elvira, Flora and Tamara also went inside and went to Elvira's room for a game of cards, the Treecko had said. Her father, meanwhile, had gotten the low-down on what had happened recently in Ozerograd since his last visit.

Per the Heliolisk, not much had happened, the Heliolisk had replied, other than the decoration of the town, along with repainting colourful areas and seeing to maintenance of structures across town, all in preparation for the jubilee. Much excitement was being had been drummed up by Lord Kirill as well as Lady Esfir, and their son and heir Dimitri, over the jubilee, which was natural, given House Ozerov's ardent support for the monarchy.

Then the topic swung to what Kallias and Melchior had been doing, and so they filled Zenobia in on last night's mission.

Would suggest hacking up this first paragraph and doing some minor rephrasing here and there. Though I kinda wonder if at least part of this summarized narration should’ve been handled via explicit dialogue, especially since it would act as a glimpse into the sort of dynamic that these three had with each other seven years ago.

"Yes…That's right. The client gave us the payment for the mission, and we stayed the night in Lukomoria," Kallias detailed. "The knights have secured the place, and they're investigating the matter as we speak. But… I feel like this isn't the end of it."

"What do you mean?" Zenobia asked.

"There's the matter of those mysterious people in the Dungeon's depths. We had no idea who they were or where they were from. Maybe the knights will get that answer out of them. …But…I think we need to keep our own investigation into this up," Kallias explained. "I'm definitely telling Mitrofan when we get back to the Guild all about this. And I'm going to give the materials to Helena to see what she can make of them. Before that, though…there's something I'd like to get your opinion on."

Ah yes, time for Zenobia’s botany skills to come into play. Though at this rate, I’ll be surprised if the flower isn’t a nightshade or some other known poisonous plant.

He reached into the satchel of materials and pulled out one of the white flowers.

"Zen…what do you make of this?"

"...A flower?" Zenobia looked over the item. "Ooh, it's pretty…Where did you find this?"

Or Zenobia’s botany skills could be a bit less developed than I expected. Though I assume that she has a book in the house’s library that could likely come in clutch here.

"In the Dungeon, while fighting those mysterious enemies," the Sceptile answered. "I was wondering if you might know. You're fairly knowledgeable on flowers, so…I was hoping you might have an answer for me."

"...Hmm…" The Heliolisk examined the item. "Can't say I know it off the top of my head…Hang on. I'll get the encyclopaedia."

She got up and went to the sitting room, and came back with a thick book in her hands. [ ]

"Let's see now…" She flicked through the pages, trying to find an entry on the flower in front of her on the table.

However, after a good sifting through the book for some time, she could only close it in disappointment.

"Sorry, Kallias," Zenobia asked. "I couldn't find anything on it."

Hrm. So not a nightshade, then. Or else not one that anyone in Selenia or adjacent regions of Ardalion would know about.

[ ]

"...That's fine," Kallias said. "But, hmmm…that encyclopaedia's normally quite reliable. Why isn't it telling us anything about this particular plant?"

[ ]

"Could it be that the encyclopaedia there doesn't cover every plant in Ardalion?" suggested Melchior. "Maybe there might be something in Iria's libraries. And Helena's a full-fledged botanist. She might know a good deal more than Zenobia about what this flower might be. …No offence," he added, directed to the Heliolisk.

"It's alright, Melchior. You in the Guild are far more diligent than I am," Zenobia replied. "I'll do what I can, but I accept that I have limits in what I know and can accomplish. I'm sorry that I can't help you more, but…I hope you can get to the bottom of this mystery.”

[ ]

“And knowing you, Kallias…you will get to the bottom of this. This'll be a cinch for you."

Would suggest dropping in some description in these three sections since it feels like there’s some changes in mood between the characters that would likely make sense to more explicitly depict versus handling them entirely through dialogue.

"...With that encouragement, I'll make it one," Kallias said, a grin crossing his face. "I'll make it another great story to tell Elvira. How about that? Even if she's growing out of that phase, I still want her to have tales to tell of me, as inspiration for her when she becomes a mercenary.”

Boy this mission must’ve gone places by the end given that Kallias just pointedly refused to ever tell Elvira about it.

[ ]

"Of course, we have to actually solve this mystery. And that means heading back to the Guild." Kallias got up from his chair, as did Melchior. "Sorry I can't stay for longer, Zen."

"That's okay, Kallias. I'll see you at the jubilee anyway," Zenobia reminded.

"Yeah…See you then," Kallias said, as he headed for the door.

"Bye, Zenobia," Melchior added.

"Goodbye, Melchior," Zenobia returned. "See you in two weeks' time."

I’m honestly surprised that these two are just bouncing without saying goodbye to Elvira, especially since from the last scene, it sounded like they hadn’t seen each other for a while.

"See you."

"Bye, Elvira!" Kallias called, knocking on the Treecko's door. "I'll be heading off now."

His daughter opened the door, and looked dismayed. "Already?" she moaned.

I’m honestly surprised that Kallias didn’t just open the door and say goodbye face-to-face by reflex. Unless I’m underestimating just how frequently he’d normally stop by the house back in the day.

"Yes. But don't worry; I'll see you soon, at the jubilee," Kallias assured. "Be good for your mother for me, will you? And keep that fire of ambition burning bright."

"Don't worry, Dad. I will!" Elvira promised peppily.

"That's my girl." Kallias knelt down for a parting hug. "...See you in two weeks, Elvira."

"See you then, Dad!"

[ ] And with that, Team Marshwood left the house. [ ]

"...Good to see they're in good health," Melchior remarked, once they'd stepped outside. "...I hope Paulina's well. I haven't seen her in a while…"

I would recommend expanding the second to last paragraph in this section to show more of the process of Kallias and Melchior leaving the house, plus their general settling into an “on the road” status after leaving it.

"We'll see her at the jubilee," Kallias assured. "I'm sure she's fine. The people of her village look after her well. And the two of you write constantly, even more than I do with Zenobia and Elvira."

… Paulina’s going to have problems in this Special Episode down the road, huh? Since I can’t help but notice that we haven’t seen anything of her in the present day in this story.

"I know, but it's no replacement for seeing her in person. …I suppose it does make it all the more worth it when I do see her. Those moments feel really special to me." A genuine smile of happiness crossed Melchior's face. "The jubilee really will be a special event in more ways than one."

[ ]

"It will be, won't it? …But before that, let's get back to the task at hand: returning to the Guild," Kallias reminded. "If we take a taxi from Ozerograd, we should hopefully get back to Iria in time for tea…"

Would recommend showing off Kallias’ reaction a bit more as well, since something about this ending feels a bit abrupt at the moment.

Later that day…

You have two linebreaks before this part. Not sure if you accidentally ate a scene or if there was some sort of pasting error such that you only intended to have one but not the other.

"Hmm…This is quite interesting, Kallias. But I thought you were married already?"

An Audino was the one to make this claim. Team Marshwood had returned to the Guild, and they presented her with the flowers that they had shown Zenobia previously. Once Kallias had given them, she had made this remark in response to the flowers, and the Sceptile immediately picked up on the teasing lilt in her voice.

I think that we need a bit more scene-setting here before we get straight into “oh yeah, Helena’s here”, especially if we’re in a part of the Irian Guild that hasn’t been shown before in the story up to this point.

"No, Helena. This isn't a proposal of marriage," Kallias replied, his tone having grown somewhat curt at this. "I want to know what this flower is, what these objects are, and what makes up this particular liquid."

[ ]


"Okay, I was just teasing. No need to be a grumpy-pants about it," Helena replied, a smile still on her face. "...But I did mean what I said when I said it was strange. I'll need to take a greater look at these. Flowers, bark, a powder…and especially whatever this is." She pointed to the mysterious liquid. "…But don't worry! I never back down from a challenge!"

I would recommend showing off more of the samples that Kallias picked up being given over or manipulated by Helena there, since this is kinda ‘disembodied dialogue’ at the moment.

"You never do, Mom," sounded another voice. In came another Audino into the nurse's office. [ ]

"Hello, Raya," greeted Helena. "How's my daughter getting on?"

Would recommend showing off Helena’s reaction to Raya a bit more explicitly there, especially since it’s a handy way of showing off the sort of relationship the two have with each other.

"Fine. I just patched up Nikita," the younger Audino elaborated. "He was training with the Guildmaster."

[ ]


"Aww, is he? …The Guildmaster better not have gone too hard on him…"

"No, he didn't. It was just a few scrapes and bruises,” Raya explained. “Nothing major. Typical of a training session."

[ ]

"...Nikita's come a long way, hasn't he? Since coming here," Melchior acknowledged.

Couple more spots that struck me as being worth expanding. Though wait, who said the line that Raya is responding to here? Helena? Or one of the Team Marshwood duo?

"Yeah…It's great that he was taken in by Mitrofan. He's such a good kid…It'd be a pity if he'd perished on the streets. Especially given how bitter that winter was," Kallias added.

"And it's amazing how healthy he is now!" Helena enthusiastically added. "When he came here first, he was stick-thin and about ready to collapse. But now he's got some weight on him, and he's got a great teacher in the Guildmaster in building up his resilience for combat.”

[ ]

“Honestly, it's almost like a father and son relationship, given how much they adore one another. I'd almost say they practically are, if not for the Guildmaster's own family with Rufina."

Would recommend dividing Helena’s line and slotting in some sort of description, since it’s a pretty long line that feels more natural to handle after a pause or something like that.

"...I guess his kindness paid off in that regard," Kallias said, before his expression darkened angrily. "If only others could reciprocate like Nikita could…"

Oh boy, I wonder how Kallias and Melchior would feel about Nikita in the present day, since he’s definitely not the sweet summer child that he used to be.

[ ]

"Stop thinking about Hinnerk, Kallias," Melchior said. immediately knew what his partner's sour expression was about. "You'll only get yourself into a foul mood again. Get him out of your head."

I would recommend pulling the “sour expression part ahead of Melchior’s dialogue and expanding it a bit, since it admittedly felt a little “off” to me to read it after the fact like that.

"...Right, of course." The Sceptile took deep breaths to correct his mood. "I guess we'll go grab some dinner. I did smell Aldebrand cooking when we came in. It smelled quite nice…it might be pasta tamato bake, I think."

"Ooh…a certain little Cubone's gonna love that news," Helena remarked. "...I'll come out soon. But I'd like to get stuck into finding out what you two have brought me."

[ ]

"Okay. Let us know once you've found something out," Melchior requested.

"Of course. Anything for the best team in the whole Guild!" Helena returned. "You do us proud, you two. Keep up the good work."

If Kallias and Melchior are already headed for the door or something at the whole “okay, keep us posted”, it might be worth mentioning that, since this was a getting a bit “talking heads” here.

"Thank you very much," Kallias returned. "Now then…let's get some grub. And while we're at it, let's tell Mitrofan all of what transpired. He needs to know all of this…and all of what could be. That stuff you said about that Toxicroak belonging to an underground organisation? That might well hold some water…"

The conversation drifted into the background as Team Marshwood left the nurse's office. Meanwhile, the two Audino looked down at the items presented to them.

"Goodness…they gathered quite a few strange items, didn't they, Mom?" Raya remarked.

"...I can't say I know exactly what each of them are," confessed Helena. "But…I have my own dogged determination. Just as the mercs in the Guild never give up on their missions, I won't back down from a challenge like this.”

[ ]

“Time to break open all the encyclopaedias, examine every bit of these flowers and materials, and figure out just what's behind all of this."

She gazed down at each item, from the white-petalled flowers to the clear liquid now inside a test tube.

"Hmm…What secrets are you all hiding away? Time to figure it all out."

Some suggestions for how to hack up this last section and drop in a small expansion where Helena’s dialogue is getting a little unwieldy.

Notes

And now introducing Special Episodes! Just like in the main games, these act as side stories to the main adventure, or a flashback to a time before the main adventure. In this episode's case, it's the latter. (When typing in the title of this story, I nearly called it a paralogue, before sticking to series norms and calling it a special episode. From that, you can probably guess which video game series I frequent.)

Suikoden? /s

More seriously, it’s a nice touch. Though it makes me wonder if your proper paralogues series for Dual Wills wound up coming after the fact from this main story since you clearly wound up making actual “paralogues” eventually.

Corviknight Taxis are something else I decided to bring in, deriving from Sword and Shield's variant of them.

So are there also parts of Ardalion where they just get shot out of the air from sniping Tinkaton?

Lukomoria is a corruption of Lukomorye, a location in Russian folklore.

>quickly pulls up an article about Lukomorye

Oh, hello, seaside oblast. I wonder if we’ll wind up getting to see it down the road in this story.

Morskoya is a new oblast mentioned, located in the west of Selenia. It comes from a Russian word for 'maritime'.

Alright, this one took a bit longer to get this review together, but I thought that it was a pretty fun glimpse into the past of the cast and you’re clearly teeing up stuff that’s going to wind up becoming later on in the story, since I can already tell that Ms. Mysterious Frog is from Eldisholm. The main star of the show this chapter was the characterization and the worldbuilding, since we got to see a lot of those “used to be that way” characterizations of characters like Mitrofan and the others in and around the Irian Guild, and it does a good job of breathing them to life. The worldbuilding was also fun to see, since this story has always consistently had framing positioning Ardalion as this sprawling setting with a rich backstory, which you clearly had fun with from things like building out Vitor Oblast and showing off the way things used to be in Selenia before the happening with Mitrofan.

While in the end, it didn’t take me out of things enough to really break my enjoyment of the Special Episode, there were a few things that I felt could’ve been handled with a bit more polish this chapter. By and large, the description was a bit bare in parts this chapter. I realize that to an extent, that’s an authorial preference thing and I sometimes go a bit too far into the opposite extreme, but there were sections where a couple added sentences here and there to stop and smell the proverbial roses or show off a bit more of characters’ reactions or inner thought processes would’ve helped get a more solid bead on what was going on and the general vibe. (e.x. handling the Shady Fletchinder that basically blips out of existence for the entire fight with the Cauldron Quartet, or for that matter the choreography of that battle sequence in general). There were a smaller handful of moments where I thought that you had the opposite issue and went hard on the exposition at points where it probably would’ve been better to have a more pared-down approach and dribble out stuff as it was relevant.

There might have been more issues that I’m overlooking right now, but I trust my full comments will handle them, and I suppose it’s a testament to the level of charm that this story has such that I keep finding myself coming back to it even outside of prize reviews like these. Good work, @Arukona , and I’ll be looking forward to seeing where the rest of this Special Episode goes in the coming weeks.

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, this review took a bit longer than I expected to get through, but I’m back with the second of five reviews due for Dual Wills. So let’s just pick right up again with Team Marshwood’s adventures with totally legit brews:

Special Episode 1 - Part 2

Spoiler: Line-by-Line

[ ]

"...One week to go," remarked Kallias, looking out at the wide promenade before him. "It's busy enough now…This will look like a pittance compared to this day next week."

This remark was in observation of the Grand Parade, a wide street in Iria that stood as its most prominent street. It led all the way to the gates of Iria Castle, and had been the host of many victory parades and jubilee events throughout the centuries since its construction. And now it was to host another special event: the parade of Tsar Kliment's silver jubilee that was to be held in a week's time.

Kallias and Melchior currently watched the toing and froing crowds of knights and volunteers going to and fro setting up the barricades along the street. They were joined by three others; a Monferno with a distinguishable cape emblazoned with a coat of arms, flanked by a Rillaboom and a Sirfetch'd, both of whom had distinctive insignias pinned to their chests.

I take it that those three are nobles of some sort. Though I would recommend having some amount of lead-in before Kallias’ line to set the scene with a simpler option being to pull part of the second paragraph forward. Alternatively, consider axing the description in the speech tag to make Kallias’ dialogue more of an “in medias res” thing and blending it into your second paragraph.

"You could not have been more apt, Fernblade Kallias," the Monferno replied. "I hope it is busy. This is my father's twenty-fifth year in power, after all. If the crowd was not exploding at the seams, it would be something of a worry. But I do not believe it will come to that."

Wait, wait, wait. He’s a prince from the Ruslan family? So then was Leonid’s mom an Infernape, then?

"It shall be so, my prince!" the Rillaboom declared in a loud voice, once the Monferno had finished speaking. "But we need not worry about overcrowding either! There will be plenty of room for civilians to watch the parade off to either side of the street."

He gestured to either side of the street, where builders were setting up barriers to mark a clear route for the parade to travel down. [ ]

"And we will have knights in place to guard against any potential rushes against the barriers."

Would recommend dividing this paragraph up since it was getting a bit long and unwieldy. Though I can’t tell if this guy’s Leonid’s bro or if he’s a visitor from one of the other lands of Ardallion, since you’d think that jubilees would be a big enough deal that at the other lands would at least yeet dignitaries over for the occasion.

"That would be a wise move," Melchior concurred. "You all seem to have given this much thought, Marshal Trokhym."

"Thank you very much, Mud Bomber Melchior."

Whelp, Rillaboom has a name there. Though I suppose that that confirms that Monferno is indeed one of Leonid’s bros. Though that now makes me darkly curious as to if once upon a time Leonid wasn’t the tsarevich of Selenia.

[ ]

"All the same…I do hope nothing happens to spoil this," added the Swampert. "There seems to be so much excitement over the jubilee. …It'd be a shame if one act of sabotage caused it all to come crashing down."

Which is why you just extend the festivities by a day if one of them turns out to be a dud. /s

"...True enough," the Monferno agreed. "But the knights of Selenia are vigilant. They will protect us and deal with any fugitives that dare to cross our path."

Dude, you live in a Russian-themed region. Since when have places like those ever been places full of sunshine and rainbows?

[ ]

"Quite so, Your Highness! …Do you think us knights fickle, Mud Bomber Melchior?" scoffed another man with them: a Sirfetch'd with the same insignia as Trokhym. He turned back to the Monferno after his beratement of berating Melchior with wave of his leek.

"Worry not, Your Highness. We have accounted for all possibilities. There is no chance in a blue moon that an assassin could perform a lethal attack on His Majesty!” the Sirfetch’d insisted. “Security will be at its highest! Every scenario will be thought over! No stone will be left unturned! We have anticipated every possible scenario, and every measure will be put in place to ensure the safety of His Majesty!

[ ]

“It is our basic creed in the Knights of Iria, the duck harruphed. “The mercenaries of the Irian Guild can go worry about their own little things while us knights take care of the real issues of our tsardom."

I would suggest splitting up Sir Quacks-a-Lot’s dialogue a bit since it’s a bit long and unwieldy and dropping in some added description in between like showing him getting openly disdainful of Team Marshwood or something like that. There were also a couple points that either felt a little redundant or that they’d benefit from alternative placement, so I left some suggestions on that front.

The smug condescension all but dripped off the duck’s plumage with every word from his bill were delivered with a sense of superiority and condescension. Kallias and Melchior couldn't help but inwardly bristle at the Sirfetch'd's words. Were this anyone else, the Sceptile would gladly take a leaf out of Rufina's book and tell them to stuff it.

But these weren't just any old people they were dealing with. All three of them were high figures within Selenia. To insult any one of them would be to invite severe repercussions upon oneself. Mitrofan had encouraged the rest of the Guild to put aside any sort of beef they had with them, if only for now, and help them with the jubilee's setup.

Okay, not that it makes sense to go on a gigantic tangent about how slugging a knight is a bad idea, but I do wonder if it’d make sense to be a bit more tangible as to the severe repercussions being hinted at here. Like would it be reputational? Would it violate statutes pertaining to lese majeste? I feel as if there’s room to tip your hand a bit more.

The age-old rivalry between the Guild and Knights rivalry did come came to blows on occasion, with remarks like the Sirfetch'd's. And Team Marshwood knew that it wouldn't do to stir the pot right now.

Ah yes, I know how the Knights are taking the outcome of that rivalry in the present day:

Especially…when they were in the presence of none other than Prince Kasimir Klimentovich Ruslan, the tsesarevich that was to one day become the tsar of Selenia once Tsar Kliment gave up the crown.

>Kasimir Klimentovich Ruslan, the tsesarevich
>the tsesarevich

Oh boy, so Leonid really was never intended to take the throne back in the day. I can already tell that leads to all sorts of “fun” dynamics with him.

And so they backed down.

However…they were luckily saved by the Monferno prince himself.

"Do not act that way to them, Marshal Branislav," criticised Kasimir. "Team Marshwood have been nothing but helpful to us in these weeks leading up to my father's silver jubilee. I am well aware of your bitterness towards them. However, at this moment, to stoke the fires risks burning a blaze of hatred towards the knights, and potentially, towards us in House Ruslan.”

[ ]

“We need not have such animosity before an important occasion such as this, especially one in which both the knights of Selenia and the Irian Guild will participate together. Do I make myself clear?"

Oh, so that’s Branislav. Though for a guy that’s literally on fire, Kasimir’s surprisingly cool-headed. Though his dialogue here is long-winded enough that IMO you should consider hacking it up into smaller pieces and drop something in between, like Kasimir getting a bit scoldy in body language or something like that.

Despite being at least half the age of the Monferno, Branislav felt the authority radiating from him. In the face of this, he could only back down.

"...My apologies, Your Highness," he said. "I let my emotions get the better of me. I shall see to it this does not happen over the course of the jubilee."

IMO, it probably makes sense to show off more of the “process” of Branislav backing down and less of an after-the-fact summary like this.

"Good." Kasimir turned to Team Marshwood. [ ]

"...My humblest apologies for his insubordination, Team Marshwood. I shall see to it that my father knows of this. …I ask for your forgiveness."

Would recommend showing more of Kasimir’s “apologetic” mood here so it better mirrors his dialogue.

"Your apology is accepted, Your Highness," Kallias graciously replied, before beginning to back away. "...If you do not mind, Your Highness…we wish to return to the Guild to see if any help needs doing there."

"Of course. You may go," the prince permitted. "I must return to the castle myself. Father, Mother and Leonid await me. As well as that, there are matters that need reporting, and a marshal that needs reprimanding."

Casting a stern glare at Branislav, he and the two marshals made their way down the Grand Parade. [ ]

"...That boy has power," remarked Kallias. "We're lucky Prince Kasimir's sympathetic to the mercenary cause. There's only so many of old Branislav's insults that I can take at any given time."

IMO, one or the other ‘Your Highness’ should be axed from Kallias’ dialogue since it feels a little repetitive in such short succession. It probably also merits putting in a bit more of a transition from “Kasimir leaving with Branislav” and back to Team Marshwood before Kallias speaks up.

"Well…if a slight dig riles him up…that says more about him than us," Melchior opined. "I know Rufina would be on the same page as me."

"Hah! If she were there, she would have ripped into him," Kallias laughed. "...At least Mitrofan's there to keep her on a short leash when it comes to her jabs. When the knights and mercenaries need to work together right now, We don't want too much animosity between us and the knights while this jubilee still needs to be organized."

Would suggest a modest rephrasing of the tail half of Kallias’ line there.

"Quite right, Kallias. At least Marshal Yuliya's a better sort to cooperate with. She's such a change from Branislav and such a friendly face to us mercenaries that it's almost like she's one of us."

Probably explains a thing or two about why we haven’t seen anything of her in the present day, really. Assuming she didn’t actively die in the middle of Mitrofan’s coup.

"I can't deny that. …Speaking of which, there hasn't been an update from them over last week's mission, has there?"

"I don't think so. …We'll check with Nikita and Mitrofan when we get back to the Guild."

Wait, it’s been a week since the first part of this Special Episode? I kinda wonder if that should’ve been hinted towards a bit more earlier on before this point.

That was where Team Marshwood was headed. After travelling through many decorated, cleaned and repainted streets, they made it to the outskirts of Iria, and went down the road leading to the Irian Guild. They went inside and headed down the stairs.

Huh, I didn’t realize the Irian Guild was on the outskirts of Iria. Though I would recommend changing the underlined to be something that puts more emphasis on the process of them setting off for the guild from where they are.

When they headed inside, they saw both Mitrofan talking with a Furret, with Nikita and Helena nearby. They all turned their attention to the entrance when Kallias and Melchior came in.

I wonder if this is that same Furret that you have art of being in armor or something.

"Perfect timing, you two," Mitrofan said. "Marshal Yuliya wishes to speak with you." He gestured to the Furret.

Okay, yeah. This is totally that Furret. Maybe we will get to see him sometime in the present day after all.

"Ah, Marshal Yuliya. A pleasure to see you again," Kallias greeted. "Funny. Melchior and I were just talking about you." He held his hand forward, and the two of them shook a strong and firm shake.

… How does that even work with how short and stubby Furret’s limbs are? ^^;

"And a pleasure to see you, Fernblade Kallias," returned Yuliya. "You too, Mud Bomber Melchior." She shook with the Swampert as well.

‘She’. Right. I suppose I should’ve known better than to assume.

[ ]

"So, what brings you here?" queried the Sceptile. "I can't imagine it's anything small, if a marshal has come to report it."

"Maybe so. I was intended to deliver more information about the parade next week, but this information was to be relayed to the Guild as well, so I decided to take out the two Pidgey with one stone," Yuliya explained. "...The commander of the knights in Lukomoria wished to relay a message to Team Marshwood regarding your expedition into Limestone Cavern a week ago."

[ ]


"Ah, yes. How could we forget?" Kallias said.

"I certainly haven't," Helena replied. "You boys have really put me through the ringer trying to figure out what you gave me. …But…it's not for nothing. …I think."

Just saying, my money is on that brew having nightshade juice in it. Though I’d recommend slotting in a bit more character reaction from the relevant characters in this sequence, especially if Mitty and the others are actively listening in at the moment.

"You think?" Melchior pondered.

"Well, given what Marshal Yuliya was talking about to the Guildmaster, I think we might have hit upon something," the Audino elaborated, before trailing off.

"...But I digress. Sorry for interrupting, Marshal - you can tell them your news."

"...Thank you, Mrs. Helena," the Furret returned. "...There was a mysterious liquid being concocted by the group that was defeated by you and apprehended by the knights of Lukomoria. Like you, they have puzzled over what exactly it is. The hunch to this has been, among them, that it is a poison of some sort."

Yeah, I knew that it was going to be a poison. I suppose time will tell if my hunch that it’s something involving nightshades will pan out or not.

"I thought that too," Helena chimed in.

"...As did I," added Kallias. "But I thought it best to leave it to the professional to truly confirm it." He gestured to the Audino.

I actually didn’t realize that. I wonder if it’d have been worth to hint at Kallias suspecting that the cauldron’s contents were a poison a bit more strongly, if not in part 1 of the SE, then in the earlier parts of this one.

"Well…they have managed to confirm it for sure," Yuliya went on. "Thanks to the help of an apothecary couple in Kamengrad, they have confirmation that it is indeed a poison. Toxic elements were detected in the mixture, and we are seeking to confirm what exactly the mixture is composed of."

Just report it as ‘nightshades’ and save yourself the investigation, Yuliya. /s

[ ]

"...Yup, like I thought," Helena added. "I did my own experiment. I poured a small amount of the mixture into one of the plants I have in my office. However, after a few days, the plant began to shrivel and wither. Checking on it last night, I saw that it had well and truly perished to the point that no amount of nourishment could save it."

[ ]

"Oh dear…" Melchior replied. "This doesn't sound good at all."

"Nope, not at all.Indeed …But I also managed to figure out some of those other materials you gave to me," Helena said. [ ]

"Come with me to my office. …Oh, and you three as well." She gestured to Yuliya, Mitrofan and Nikita. "Come along. I'll tell you all about it there."

Some spots where IMO, it’s probably worth dropping in a bit more description to show off the characters’ body language and interacting with each other a bit more.

The fivesome walked to the office, led by Helena. When they entered, they saw Raya attending to a patient. Her mother went over to a table upon which the items Melchior and Kallias had given her were located. They weren't organised neatly, though - an allusion to sign of the younger Audino's partially haphazard organisational skills.

"We'll start with the flowers," Helena began. "It's a flower with white petals and golden anthers. They're quite pretty, I'll admit. …Too pretty. These are definitely not ordinary flowers you can find in your average florist's. But more to the point, I doubt even the top-notch nobles could get their hands on this one.”

[ ]

“It'sThose villains made their poison from a rare flower - a very rare and elusive one. But…not elusive enough for me." She allowed herself a confident grin at this statement.

"What is it?" Melchior asked.

"...It's this flower." Helena pointed to an open page on a nearby botanical encyclopaedia. "A little beauty known as the Arcean orchid."

Whelp, not quite a nightshade. Though I suppose that a more fantastical flower is more fitting for this setting. I dropped in a couple points where I thought that a rephrasing would tighten things up plus split Helena’s line in two at a point where it started getting unwieldy.

Though if ‘Arcean orchid’ is the species name, you probably want to capitalize the ‘Arcean’ part since denonyms in species names are generally capitalized, IIRC.

"Arcean orchid?" Kallias remarked. "...That's new to me."

"Well, of course. I did just say it was a rare plant," reminded Helena. "Rare enough…that it can only be found at high altitudes. They've only ever been seen growing in the Empyrean Mountains, these flowers."

[ ]

"A rare flower only found in the Empyrean Mountains?" Yuliya pondered. "...Have you figured out anything else about it?"

Small trim of some redundant dialogue here. And it’s probably worth showing off a bit more character reaction and group pondering before we shift focus to Yuliya, especially if the rest of the gang is also reacting to the reveal and its potential implications.

"It's a rare flower, soWith how rare it is, no, not really," the botanist returned. "The encyclopaedia says it used to be seen as a cure in olden times among the people of the mountains, but…other than that, it's a bit of an enigma."

I feel like we’ve seen “rare flower” a few times up to this point without much space between them, so I suggested a small rephrasing for variety.

"A miracle cure? …Okay, something's not right here," Kallias pointed. "We just found out this substance is toxic. And yet…this plant is supposedly a miracle cure?"

That’s literally every medicinal substance ever, Kallias. The difference between “medicine” and “poison” is often just a matter of a change of dosage.

"Not necessarily. I imagine it's an ancient cure that's been left behind as we've gotten better medicines for ailments," Helena theorised. "Or perhaps…these other materials have something to do with why the liquid becomes toxic."

Or, they just dumped a ton of orchids in there and the sheer dosage is no longer benign to the consumer.

"What are they, Helena?" Kallias queried.

"Well…I'm quite certain that this bark here is off of a Nagorian yew," Helena gestured. "This tree is a special one - it's one of the oldest trees in Ardalion. I think the oldest one is estimated to have existed for nearly four thousand years, if I remember correctly. We're talking about old - long before the Tyrant King's War of yore."

>Tyrant King’s War

Huh. I wonder if that means that at one point Ardallion was politically unified under this Tyrant King. And what’s the over/under on him having been a Tyrantrum?

Though unless there’s a very teeny, tiny handful of Nagorian Yews, it probably makes sense to phrase the underlined as something more along the lines of: “They’re a particularly unique species known for producing some of the oldest trees in Ardalion” or something like that.

[ ]

"...Hold on a minute." Mitrofan's expression turned stern. "If I'm not mistaken…the Nagorian yew is a specially preserved tree, within the estates of the lord of the Nagorian oblast. "

[ ] This Nagoria was a region in northeastern Selenia, bordering Alba and Dresilia - and additionally, where Kamengrad and the Karstlands were located. [ ]

"If someone's taking samples from those trees, then they're liable to punishment. Isn't that so, Marshal Yuliya?"

Wait, is there a special significance to this coming from Nagoria beyond “oh, the nobles will be in hot water”? If so, it probably makes sense to elaborate on that a bit more in your narration.

"...Yes, quite." The Furret's own face had become more serious. "We'll look into levying new charges against those we apprehended. …What about the other material? The white powder?"

She gestured to the small pile on Helena's desk. [ ]

"Oh yes, that. That was a little more tricky," Helena began. "At the start, I thought it might be some kind of powdery drug. These are illicit people criminals we're talking about, after all. But I'm quite sure it isn't. I think…it might just be salt."

"Salt?" Kallias' brow furrowed further. "Really?"

"Yes. It certainly has a slight whiff of salt. Therefore, what could it be but salt?" the Audino reasoned. "If we're going off the theory that this is something deeper, then I would bet that this salt is special in some way. …Unfortunately, I still can't quite determine why this is."

Just saying, that’s a bold assumption to be making without any sort of deeper chemical analysis, Helena. Especially since there’s a lot of salts out there in nature outside of sea/table salt.

[ ]


"...So it looks like it's still all up in the air," Melchior surmised. His tone couldn't hide his disappointment. "...That's unfortunate."

"Yeah…Sorry about that," apologised Helena. "But I can't offer anything more than speculation at this point. Unless I were to personally taste them, but…I have a gut feeling that's not a wise move."

Huh. I’m surprised that Helena doesn’t have anything to do chemical analyses in her toolkit. Guess she’s strictly on the botanist / organic compounds end of identifying ingredients.

"No, indeed," agreed Mitrofan. "I'd rather you stayed healthy, Helena. Consuming this unknown substance would be unwise."

"Gotcha, Guildmaster."

[ ]

"...Even so…we established that this liquid is poisonous. That's something in my book," Yuliya tried to encourage. "Supposing that this is something deeper, we in the knights will do all we can to bring this to the light.”

[ ]

“…We have interrogated the outlaws apprehended in Limestone Cavern, but they have proven to be very tight-lipped. If they are part of an underground movement…then this could spell trouble. And right before the jubilee too…”

[ ]


"But rest assured. I, Marshal Yuliya Gerasimovna Lysagora, will not allow any threats to befall His Majesty in the week of his silver jubilee! Mark my words - any transgressions towards him will be punished heavily! This, I swear, on my honour as a knight of Selenia!" she declared, holding her right paw up in a fist in the typical salute carried out by most Selenian knights.

Oh hey, it’s the Kevesi salute from Xenoblade 3. Yes, I got spoiled by the end notes, but it’s still a cute nod there.

[ ]

"...Well said," praised Kallias. "We in the Guild don't stand for this sort of shady behaviour either. Besides, we discovered this whole business, so we'd be all too happy to be the ones to quash this before it gains ground."

"We are glad to have your support," the Furret replied gratefully. "I do apologise for the snide comments Marshal Branislav throws your way. But know that I support you, as does His Majesty and His Royal Highness Prince Kasimir."

[ ]

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Marshal," Mitrofan returned. "Now then…I should imagine you have more to do in relation to the jubilee. You should return to it before you get chewed out by His Majesty."

Would suggest dropping in at least one or two paragraphs of description here. The ones that I highlighted felt like the most organic spots to drop things in.

"...Thank you for the reminder, Guildmaster Mitrofan," Yuliya said, beginning to head for the door. "You in the Guild have been very helpful. I hope we can cooperate further on this matter."

With that, she left. [ ]

"...Um…can I ask a question?" Nikita requested, turning all eyes to him. "Where…will you go from here on this?"

You probably want a bit more transition than what you have before Nikita starts speaking up there.

[ ]

"...Nothing to do but look for more clues," Melchior replied. "Of course, given they're underground, that will be easier said than done."

"That hasn't stopped us before," Kallias said. "If there's no clues to be had, then we'll dig some up! With luck, Krim will have something just like the last mission we went on."

And so it was decided. The duo headed to the noticeboards, where the Galvantula was sifting through requests. Notably, a little Joltik was with him too, helping to organise the leaflets that would be stuck onto each noticeboard.

Also here as well before Kallias and Melchior start speaking again. I personally feel the last paragraph would work better with a more “active” first sentence, but that’s veering a bit into “stylistic nitpicking” territory.

"There you go, Sifis! See, I knew you had this in you! Who knows? You might be replacing me in a few years' time," chuckled Krim.

[ ] His attention then diverted to Team Marshwood.

"Hey, you two," he greeted.

"Hello, Krim," Melchior greeted. "And hello, Sifis."

[ ]

"...Hey," greeted the Joltik, before looking away shyly.

It probably makes sense to show a bit more of Sifis’ reaction both before Krim notices Team Marshwood and the later shy “hi” moment. e.x. if Sifis ducks behind the mission board and then comes back out afterwards.

"...Guess the shyness is something we need to work on," Krim joked. "The struggles of being a dad, eh, Kallias?"

[ ]

"You said it." A small, knowing smile crossed the Sceptile's face at the sight of Sifis's shyness, being reminded of similarities in his own daughter.

I’m honestly surprised that Krim doesn’t have like a hundred other kids considering the way that bugs have progeny IRL. I’ll chalk that up to Pokémon being different.

"Anyway…getting back to the topic at hand," Melchior intervened. "Any odd missions today, Krim?"

"Odd? You mean like that mission you two had last week?"

Krim took an aside glance over at the request board. [ ]

"...I'm afraid there's nothing like that here now. Mostly the usual, along with some jubilee stuff."

IMO, it probably makes sense to break up and expand the embedded description in the middle of Krim’s line, since it kinda vibes as if he’s intended to have a bit of time pass before saying the second part of his line.

[ ]

"Ah…We were hopeful," mourned the Swampert mourned. "Guess we don't have an extra leg up this time…"

"Don't lose heart, Melchior," Kallias encouraged. "We'll go into town and help out with the jubilee preparations. …Who knows? Maybe in the meantime, Yuliya and the knights might dig up some more dirt on what we're chasing."

"...If you say so, Kallias. Come on, let's go."

Given the mood shift, you probably want to show a bit more of that disappointment sinking in from Melchior’s end in the narration.

The duo headed out of the Guild, and onto the road leading to the city. However, on the way, they encountered a pair of familiar set of faces—a Grimmsnarl and a Hawlucha that visibly brightened after seeing them. Two of them, to be exact.

"Oh, hey! Team Marshwood!" Spiridon called out.

"Spiridon! Good to see you!" Kallias returned with equal enthusiasm. "And you too, Dalibor."

"Likewise," the Grimmsnarl returned.

The two teams were good friends, often going on missions together, or meeting in their downtime for drinks and banter, or whatever activity they wished to do when off-duty.

"So…what are you two up to? Anything to do with that mission you two were on last week?"

I wasn’t really feeling the after-the-fact introduction of Dalibor and Spiridon there since “familiar set of faces” could’ve referred to anyone in advance. It is likely worth tipping your hand a bit harder that “oh, this is Dalibor and Spiridon” than what you’re presently doing.

"No. Clues for that are a bit scarce at the minute," Melchior informed. "So we're doing odd jobs in the meantime. Mostly set-up for the jubilee."

[ ]

"Okay. …Well…if that's what you wanna do…" Dalibor sounded disappointed.

[ ]


"Hm? What's up, Dalibor?" Kallias queried.

"...I…No. If you have other stuff that needs doing…" He drifted off weakly.

Ditto here if Dalibor’s mood is meant to perceptibly crash. Though wait, how is Spiridon reacting to all of this right now? Is he also disappointed? Or is he taking things more in stride at the moment?

"...If you guys were free, we were thinking of maybe asking if you'd be willing to help decorate the orphanage," Spiridon elaborated. "The kids would love to see you. But…I understand if you've got other stuff going on."

[ ]

"Hmm…" Kallias considered the Hawlucha's offer. "...Well, we aren't actually doing any missions at the moment. We were going to help with the jubilee's decorations some more in town, but…we could take them up on their offer, couldn't we, Melchior?"

Small typo there, and a spot where I feel like something’s missing, even if I’m having a little trouble putting my finger on it. Maybe a bit of Kallias’ thought process / reaction to Dalibor and Spiridon’s moods?

"We could," agreed the Swampert. "It's been a while since I last saw Cornelia. I wouldn't mind seeing her."

"And the children, too," Kallias added. "I'd like to see their smiling faces again."

That actually makes me wonder what happens when they visited the orphanage when one of the kids was in a depressed funk over the whole ‘not having parents’ thing.

[ ]

"Wow…Thanks, guys!" Spiridon could not be more pleased at this turnaround.

"...The Team Marshwood charisma strikes again," Dalibor remarked. "Really, though…I'm grateful. Cornelia could use the help with decorating the place."

[ ]

"Then let's not waste any more time," Kallias said. "Let's go there."

Some more mood shifts where it probably makes sense to describe them more in narration instead of leaving just dialogue to handle them, since it reads a bit jarring to go from mentions of Dalibor and Spiridon being disappointed to “Wow, thanks guys!” which is a complete 180 in vibe.

"Thank you so much for helping me, you two. I definitely didn't expect it, but…I'm grateful for the help nonetheless."

Cornelia had professed this to Team Marshwood after they had come to the Grimmhatt Orphanage. Their visit was met with surprise from her, and massive acclaim from the children. Many crowded around them, and excitedly babbled all sorts of praise, asked all sorts of questions and requested autographs amidst other things. It took some time before they could be coaxed away to allow the duo to carry out whatever needed to be done.

This feels like another spot where it probably makes sense to have more in the way of “leading” description. I also feel like your second paragraph of description is veering off a bit far into “tell and not show” territory, but that might be an artifact of the “after the fact” narration style that’s being used.

Right now, it the main thing that needed to be done was painting a wall, the whose paint of which had long since chipped away and not been reapplied in the past gone without maintenance due to financial issues a lack of means. But thankfully, good financial tidings had come around in the last while recent times for the orphanage, and with the jubilee, Cornelia now had an opportunity to reapply the paint. Kallias, given his height, was asked to help her paint the higher up sections. Meanwhile, Melchior was painting a lower section of the wall, and was being helped by three young orphans - a Growlithe, Bulbasaur and a Litleo.

Wait, wait, wait. Just how old is that Growlithe orphan from the Irian arc? Since he must be the equivalent of a little toddler right now if he’s still young enough to be an orphanage’s charge 7 years from this point.

Though left some rephrasing suggestions to consider.

"It's no problem, Cornelia," Kallias replied. "We're mercenaries. We're always happy to help anyone in need. Especially if they're the wife of a good friend of mine."

"Yeah. Besides…I like painting," Melchior added. "It's quite therapeutic. A nice difference from beating the skulls off ferals."

I see that leaving behind a bodycount of ferals is the norm among mercenaries in this setting.

Makes me wonder how frail (or not) average civilized and feral Pokémon are relative to each other in this story.

[ ]

"Oh? I didn't know this that," Cornelia said. "Do you paint, Melchior?"

Melchior grief-induced Face Heel Turn arc when? /s

"Well, in the sense of this sort of thing; applying paint to walls and giving it a fresh look. …But painting as in artistry art?" He pulled a face. "No. I was never good at that."

Whelp, so much for that. Guess Selenia is safe for another day.

"I can attest to that," murmured Kallias. "But what do I know? I'm no Candido da Nola."

Just filing that name away there. I wonder if that’s going to be someone we’ll actually see in this story later on—in Dreselia from the name, I presume.

"Who?" one of the kids, a five-year old Bulbasaur, asked.

"A famous painter from Dresilia, Paige," Cornelia informed. "He was regarded as one of the finest artists in his time some two hundred years ago. You'll hear about him in your studies in time."

I knew it, though I suppose that’s a ‘no’ on seeing him anytime soon outside of maybe that prequel plot bunny you had if you ever get it rolling.

[ ]

"...I hate to change the subject," Melchior interjected. "But…we're nearly out of paint." He looked into the paint pot, where indeed, only a small amount remained. It wouldn't be enough to finish the wall they were painting.

Would recommend pulling the “He looked [...]” part forward before Melchior’s line and maybe adding some more reaction from the rest of the gathered Pokémon before he pipes up.

"I could get some more," a voice said.

Looking over, the painters in the room saw Dalibor appear at the doorway. [ ]

"There are other supplies I have to get, anyway."

[ ]

"...If you could, Dali, that would be great. Thank you very much."

"No problem, honey." The Grimmsnarl went over to his wife and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I'll be back before you know it."

"Take care," Cornelia said, waving goodbye to her husband as he went out the front door.

Would suggest adding a bit more description there. Especially something to lead into Cornelia’s first line, since I actually was thrown by it at first until reading the following lines due to a lack of attributed speaker.

[ ]

"...Yep. That's a happy marriage, right there," Kallias observed.

"Indeed. It was the best decision I ever made, to marry him," the Hatterene replied, a fond blush appearing on her face. "I have no regrets being with Dali."

[ ]

"...Have you ever considered having children of your own?" Melchior asked.

I think you need a bit more transition before Kallias and Melchior pipe up. For the suggestion for something leading into Kallias’ line, that could potentially be taped directly to the last paragraph from the prior block.

[ ]

"...It's a tempting thought. But…I have so many beautiful children already living in this orphanage," Cornelia reasoned. "They may not be related to me by blood, but…I see them as my children nonetheless. If they don't have mothers, then I want to fulfil that role as best I can."

[ ]

"Aww…Hear that, kids?" Kallias said to the children. "You've got a good caretaker in her."

[ ]

"Yeah, you're the best, Mrs Cornelia!" exclaimed the Litleo.

"Thanks for taking care of us!" the Growlithe added.

"We love you!" Paige exclaimed.

[ ]

"...Thank you, Paige, Rufus, and Leo. I love you all too," Cornelia returned. "You're the best children in the world. Don't ever change…"

Some more spots where it might make sense to drop in a bit of description showing how the characters are reacting a bit more before they speak up.

Dalibor hummed a tune to himself as he returned from the shop that sold paint. He was quite lucky to get it - many others in Iria had the same idea as he and Cornelia did, and therefore, there had been a run on paint as a result. Luckily, the owner had just three more pots left, and the Grimmsnarl managed to purchase them in time.

I wonder if the first underlined portion would sound better as something like “hardware store” if the shop more generally sold odds and ends for construction. Or “paint shop” if it’s specifically paint.

The second underlined portion I think it might be worth being more specific about what this idea is. e.x. is it to spruce up their houses/shops for the jubilee? Something completely different? Lay things out a bit more explicitly there.

These should do it, he thought. The orphanage is gonna look great by the time we're done. He walked down the street, and got ready to go down the street on which the orphanage lay. However…before he could, a sight caught his attention.

It was a black-and-white Linoone. A figure only too recognisable to him, in the Irian Guild - it was Hinnerk. But what struck Dalibor as intriguing was that the raccoon seemed to be going down a back alley with a suspicious-looking bag.

Ah yes, I know what’s in the bag:

View: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/nzCyyT7j5Do


More seriously, I vaguely remember him being mentioned as being involved in an assassination attempt against the Ruslans in earlier chapters. So those “drugs” are likely not on the recreational side.

Hmm… Normally, the Grimmsnarl wouldn't pay much attention to the Linoone. But…a conversation with Spiridon from some days ago came back to him.

"I'm telling you, Dali…I'd bet our status as Platinum Rank that Hinnerk's up to some shady shit," the Hawlucha had said. "I mean…he just has that look about him! He's a lone rider, hates pretty much everyone here, hates endless tirades about justice…I know we don't have proof, but he's very suspicious, that Linoone."

[ ]

Maybe it wouldn't hurt to check it out? Dalibor thought to himself. If it's nothing, it's nothing. But if it's something…

Okay, not that it really made sense to just go and drop in an entire scene between Dalibor and Spiridon unless you were going to shovel that somewhere into Part 1 of this Special Episode, but I kinda wonder if this would’ve been stronger if Dalibor or Spiridon at least hinted at this being a thing earlier on.

Either way, it probably makes sense to have more of a reaction from Dalibor when going from his flashback to the present day like this.

With his mind had been made up, t[/b]he gremlin quietly walked over to the alley which Hinnerk had gone down. He and sidled next to the walls along it, listening out for the Linoone's trademark gruff tone.

He didn't have to wait long. Soon enough, he heard it.

"...This better be good money you're paying me. It wasn't easy getting those flowers," he curtly stated.

Some suggested rephrasings here. And I see that whatever group that Totally-Not-an-Eldisholmer Toxicroak is with also had ‘mons directly in the capital given Hinnerk almost certainly is slinging around more of those orchids right now.

"...Of course. Don't worry at all, Hinnerk; you will be duly compensated for this. You're a valuable asset to our material gathering."

That voice was unfamiliar to Dalibor. He knew immediately from the tone, though, that it wasn't anything good. It sounded slimy and slithery, as though the voice belonged to a snake of some sort.

It totally belongs to a snake of some sort. Just saying.

[ ]

"...Tch. What are you offering?"

"...How would you feel about 15,000 Poké? Just for this alone. We'll pay you when you deliver the goods to our intended destination. And possibly more, too."

You probably want to mention something to the effect of mentioning hearing Hinnerk or seeing his shadow move in order to tee up his speech a bit more explicitly than this.

Dalibor's eyes nearly bulged out of his sockets. Fifteen thousand?! That's absurd! That's far more than anything the Guild offers! Imagine what you could do with that sort of money… With similar thoughts to this in mind, another thought struck him.

…For that much money, this can't be clean. This has to be dirty work Hinnerk's doing.

I’m actually now wondering just how aware Hinnerk was of what his buyer wanted these flowers for. Since from everyone else’s perspective in the present day, he was absolutely in the know… but was he?

"...Now you're speaking my language." Dalibor could visualise the evil grin on the Linoone's face. "So where do I gotta deliver this lot?"

"...Take them to Yew Gulch in Nagoria," informed the other voice. "Once there, you are to leave the flowers and go. Leave the materials at the end of the Dungeon and be gone afterward. If you want your payment, you would do well to follow these instructions."

Small wording tweak I’d suggest there. Though wait, just how far away is Nagoria such that Hinnerk’s client is tasking him to make the trek (presumably on foot) out there?

"Don't worry. I'll adhere to anything for that kind of money," Hinnerk assured. "You lot have been paying me tons, a lot more than that blasted guild has ever given me. …Maybe it's time I move out of that place and become a full-time criminal. With money like this, I'll have no use for that stupid dump."

Dalibor bristled at this blatant insult to the Guild. [ ]

"I'll go there right away. …Nice doing work with you. What was your name again?"

"...A daring ask of a crook like me. But you're a reliable enough source, so I'll tell you. …I am Mikhail. A pleasure doing criminality business with you."

"Likewise."

I feel that Mikhail characterizing his dealings as ‘criminality’ might be a little too on-the-nose. Though I see that this is how these two first met. Though wait, does that mean that Mik himself has roots outside of Selenia? I didn’t think so at first given his name, but considering the company he keeps…

That was all Dalibor needed to hear, as he heard Hinnerk making his way back out onto the alley. He made tracks out the alley himself, back to tell the rest of the gang in the orphanage what he'd seen.

Unbeknownst to him, though…from behind him, a certain the Linoone had spotted him, and watched from afar. [ ]

"...Eavesdropping hairball…"

It might be worth rephrasing a few parts from here, and tipping your hand a bit more as to what’s going on in Hinnerk’s mind after seeing Dalibor. Like is he worried about Dalibor ratting him out and following after him? Figure that nothing will happen and head off? It’s a bit vague at the moment.

"...Something's up What’s the matter, Dali? What's the matter Is something up?"

Spiridon, who was cleaning the foyer of the orphanage, noticed Dalibor's expression when he arrived back. Being his longtime partner, the Hawlucha immediately recognised it as the Grimmsnarl wanting to get the word out about something.

"Yes, something is up. We need Melchior and Kallias," Dalibor answered. "I'll go and get them." He went inside to the kitchen, where Team Marshwood and Cornelia were sitting with cups of tea. All turned their heads to him.

Another scene where your present framing feels like it’d work better with leading description instead of an in medias res line of dialogue.

"...You're back. How did it go?" asked Cornelia.

"I got the paint," he announced. "But, um…there's something me and Spiridon have to discuss with you two,” he said, pointing to Melchior and Kallias. "Something's come up, and we gotta leave because of it."

[ ]

"Aw, really? That's a pity," Kallias mourned. "Sorry about that, Cornelia."

"It's okay. At least you dropped by and helped out," the Hatterene assured. "I'm glad for that."

"No problem. We'd be happy to help again sometime," Melchior offered. "Now then…what do you want to discuss, Dalibor?"

"Let's go outside and talk about it," the Grimmsnarl insisted, and left the room. [ ] Kallias and Melchior followed him outside, where Spiridon was waiting for them.

Slight wording tweak suggestion there, plus a couple spots where IMO, it probably makes sense to show off a bit more of Team Marshwood’s general moods and reactions.

"So, Dali, what's all this about?" the Hawlucha asked.

"...It's Hinnerk," Dalibor revealed. "You know how we all think he does criminal stuff but we've never been able to prove it?"

"Of course," Kallias agreed. [ ]

"...Wait, are you saying - "

"Yep. …I finally have dirt on the man." Dalibor shone a victorious grin.

I think that it makes sense to show more of Kallias and/or the others’ implied “... waaaaait a moment” realization, e.x. after seeing Dalibor’s face or something like that.

"No way!" Spiridon was ecstatic. "What is it, Dali? What did you find out?"

"Turns out he's being paid stupid amounts of money to collect rare supplies and drop them off at Mystery Dungeons…just like the mission you had last week, you two," Dalibor revealed. "I might not have definitive proof, but…we're on the cusp of finally nailing that man down."

[ ]

"Did you get a location?" Kallias asked.

"Yes. Yew Gulch, in Nagoria," the Grimmsnarl divulged. "He's heading there right now as we speak."

[ ]

"Yew Gulch?" Melchior perked up when he heard this. "I know that place…"

"Hm…That's near where Paulina lives, isn't it?" Kallias said.

Some more spots where it’s probably worth showing off a bit more description. Though wait, the place where the Nagorian yews grow is just straight-up called ‘Yew Gulch’? I’m surprised that Kallias and Melchior didn’t have have more of a reaction earlier given that they apparently know someone who lives in the area.

"Yeah…" If Melchior was a canine Pokémon, no doubt his tail would be swishing with happiness. "Let's go right away. Let's find a taxi and head there."

IMO, it probably makes more sense to focus on the body language that Melchior is having while feeling excited. Like is there something with his gills or fins that’s tipping off his mood at the moment?

Serykholm was a village in the Nagoria Oblast. It was located where the uplands began to rise into mountains, and the village itself had tiers of elevation with houses on different heights. At the very top of the village, up a long flight of steps lay a spring where the villagers retrieved their water from. Meanwhile, on the lower strata, food was grown crop fields were planted, and pastures of plants soaked up the sun. It was a very rural place - the people were all very closely connected with one another, and rarely, the village saw visitors.

‘Oblast’ should probably be capitalized as a proper place name, and threw in a couple odds-and-ends suggestions for this section here.

However, it was good news when a certain pair of guests visited them. …Especially to a certain Meganium who lived within that village.

Her eyes widened with ecstatic delight when she saw a Swampert among the four.

"Mel! Mel!" She dashed towards him.

"Paulina!" Melchior said, as the two came together in a loving embrace.

Oh, so Paulina’s Melchior’s love interest we’ve had mentioned in passing in the present day. I do wonder if it probably makes sense to spend a bit more time introducing her in the narration, since IIRC, this is the first time that she’s ever appeared on-screen for the audience.

"I missed you, I missed you, I missed you!" the Meganium lovingly said, showering her husband with kisses. Something that was observed with bemusement by the Swampert's three companions. [ ]

"Y-Yes…I missed you too, Paulina," he returned, returning kisses in return. "I'm sorry I haven't been around until now. But works for the jubilee have kept us in the Guild rather busy as of late."

"Oh yes, the jubilee…Wait. It's not tomorrow, is it?!" Paulina suddenly panicked. [ ]

"Oh no! I'm not ready!"

It probably makes sense to both show off Melchior’s flustered reaction and Pauliana’s startled/panicked reaction a bit more than you’re presently doing at the moment. Especially since you have the potential to make Melchior’s moment pretty lulzy.

"No no, you're okay, Paulina!" Melchior hurriedly reassured. "It's not for another week. You can rest easy."

[ ]

"Oh, thank goodness…" the Meganium sighed in relief. [ ]

"...I see you brought more people than just Kallias. Some of your friends…I recognise them from the wedding. What were their names again?"

[ ]

"I'm Spiridon, and this is Dalibor!" introduced Spiridon. "We make up Team Hair Trigger. And yes, we have met before, Paulina. Good to see you again!"

"You too," returned Paulina, with a light titter.

Some more spots where it probably makes sense to drop in a bit more description, especially the part where Paulina’s calming from her earlier anxious moment and Spiridon is getting involved from coming off the sidelines.

"...It's nice to see you again, Paulina. But…I'm afraid we're not here for meetups," Melchior informed. "We're here because we have a mission in these parts."

[ ]

"Oh…really?"

"Yes." Kallias took over. "Tell me…did you happen to see a black-and-white Linoone travel through these parts?"

"A black-and-white Linoone?"

[ ] It wasn't Paulina who said this, but a nearby Lombre.

"Aye, I did, just there. Just by the entrance to Yew Gulch. I warned him the place was dangerous, but he told me to piss off!" An angry frown crossed the villager's face. "What a rude 'mon he was!"

A couple more spots of more of the same. They vibe as moments where there’s a noticeable change either in mood for characters or attention on their parts, so it might be worth showing that off more.

[ ]

"Yep, that sounds like Hinnerk, alright," muttered Dalibor. "When was this?"

"Just there, about ten minutes 'fore you lot arrived," the Lombre explained.

[ ]

"Then he might still be in there! Come on guys, let's get him while the going's good!" Spiridon encouraged.

"Indeed, Spiridon. …We must go, Paulina," Melchior said. "We might call in on the way back."

"Okay, Mel. Good luck! Hope you catch him!" the Meganium said with motivation, as her husband and his fellow mercenaries left the village to head to the Mystery Dungeon.

The underlined feels like something that would work better “showing” through something like Mel’s body language instead of it being told that she’s saying this “with motivation”.

All the same, though, she couldn't help but worry for them.

Please be safe…Please get back here safe and sound…

Ditto the underlined. Since you could’ve fairly easily telegraphed that Mel was uneasy through nervous body language or something like that.

Yew Gulch

1F

​

The four mercenaries made their way into the labyrinth of the Yew Gulch Mystery Dungeon. It was a forest, with trees blocking out most light and making it seem later in the day than it actually was. The terrain was a tad rocky, as most Dungeons in the Nagoria Oblast usually were. While it wasn't quite the same level of rockiness as stone forest that the Karstlands were, the rest of the Oblast was rocky and rural, and very little crop growth took place there. Dense forests and rocky uplands were what defined Nagoria.

Wait, wait, wait. The entrance to Yew Gulch was just right there next to the village? I didn’t pick up on that at all in the prior scene, and that feels like a pretty big setting detail. Otherwise you probably want to allude to the gang having spent a bit of time getting around somewhere in this paragraph.

Also, the last sentence in the paragraph feels like it’s stating information that was already established earlier on.

"Right…" Kallias looked around him. "Let's get to looking for Hinnerk, and getting to the end of this place."

[ ]


"I don't think we've been here," Spiridon remarked. "Do you guys know this place?"

"Sure we do," Melchior replied. "It's where I first met Paulina, rescuing her from here."

[ ]

"And then things snowballed from there, did they?" Dalibor presumed.

"Well…not really. At that time, she was just another person in need of rescuing. That's what I saw her as then. It took a while and a few more meetings between us before anything romantic began to develop."

IMO, it’s worth slotting in a bit more description than this to break up your character dialogue. The moments where Spiridon and Dalibor cut in feel like pretty organic moments to do so from a casual glance.

"...Love is interesting, isn't it?" Spiridon mused, before looking in another direction. "...You're a lucky bunch, you lot."

Ah yes, Spiridon had “forever alone” problems even seven years ago, I see.

[ ]

"This again, Spiridon?" Dalibor sounded like he'd heard this speech before. "You need to get yourself back out there if you want a relationship! Yeah, they've fallen through before, but you should never give up!"

"...Easy to say that," mumbled the Hawlucha. "But looking back, I've never found The One. The girlfriends I've had aren't wife material; just the sort that want to have a good time. It might be good in the short term, but long term…that's a lot more tricky.”

[ ]

…And as well as that, I have to face up to the fact that On top of it all, I'm not a young man anymore, Dalibor. I'm thirty-five. …Not exactly a spring chick that can make girls swoon."

Some suggestions for tuning Spiridon’s dialogue a bit there.

[ ]

"...That's not a proper reason, Spiridon," Kallias brushed off.

He stopped conversing to take out a Trevenant that was in their way with a Blackthorn Cross Slash. [ ]

"I've known plenty of people your age that have gotten married with little problems. And it's not as if they've lost popularity points just because they happen to be a little older. You definitely still have it in you to find a woman to call your own."

Not really feeling one-liner combat moment. Like I get that Kallias has enough experience under his belt to make things a quick encounter, but you’d think that there’d be more acknowledgement of the feral by the rest of the gang, even if it’s a startled “Wait, how’d we miss that?” sort of thing where everyone outside of Kallias was zoning out.

[ ]

"... I suppose that’s true. But I can only get my heart broken so many times, Kallias.”

[ ]

“The last one was especially hard to take, what with her cheating on me and all…It still hurts, thinking about it."

Would recommend showing off a bit more of Spiridon’s mood shift in this sequence here.

"...Ah."

The Sceptile didn't have a response for that. He’d heard of the way Spiridon’s last relationship fell apart had known of this incident that happened over a year ago. About the way that Spiridon was torn up over the incident to the point that he didn't leave the Guild for days on end, and only with after a pep talk from Rufina, Mitrofan and Dalibor did he get back to his old self.

Clearly But the scar from his lost love was more stubborn than Kallias expected. remained, nonetheless.

"...I am sorry you had to go through that. I can't say I've had that experience, but…it must hurt. If I found out the one I thought loved me all these years was in fact sleeping with another man…that would do a number on my heart as well."

Some suggested rephrasings here. Though ow there. Though I see that Kallias didn’t win many awards for tact back in his Mercenary days with how frontal he’s being here.

"Same," Melchior seconded, and Dalibor also gave his own voice of agreement.

[ ]

"...Can we not talk about this anymore?" Spiridon requested. "I…don't want to remember that feeling."

"Yeah," Dalibor agreed. "Let's drop it."

"Agreed," Melchior said.

Yeah, I had a feeling that Spiridon wasn’t going to take being reminded of his ex well, just saying.

As they made this decision, they happened upon the stairs, and moved on up.

I’m not really feeling this ending note here, but at the same time, I’m admittedly a bit light on ideas of what should be added. If there’s anything that can act as a call-forward towards what Spiridon will wind up becoming in a few years, it might be worth playing around with.

Yew Gulch

4F​

"Hi-yah!" Spiridon yelled out, as he delivered a Flying Press to a Mightyena. The wild Pokémon stood no chance, and fell by the wayside of the two teams. [ ]

"...How are you feeling now, Spiridon?" Dalibor asked.

"A lot better. Beating the shit out of ferals is always great for the mood," the Hawlucha replied. "That's the best thing Rufina's ever taught me."

Would recommend expanding the description of Spiridon’s in medias res battle. Like the whole “open with the final blow” isn’t bad, but it probably makes sense to portray the aftereffects and immediate followup in a more “live-time” format than what you presently have.

"True. …Unless you happen across a Monster House," Kallias mentioned. "Then any form of good mood goes right out the window."

Naw, you just need to pop a good Wonder Orb first, and then you can get in all the feral beatdowns you could want.

[ ]

"Ugh, don't remind me," groaned Melchior. "Don't even ask how we got through the last one we were in. Where was it again? Somewhere in Morskoya, I don't remember exactly. But it was definitely thanks to your ingenuity that we made it through, Kallias."

[ ]

"Come now. I couldn't have done that without your help, Melchior," the Sceptile responded. "After all, it was you who took on four ferals at once while I carved a path to the stairs. That took some guts, alright. And I certainly couldn’t have defended against enemies like them without Good job your have the bulk to defend against enemies like them. I couldn't do that back us up."

Wasn’t really feeling the wording of the tail end of the second paragraph, so I suggested some rewordings to it.

"But you're far more agile, and could dodge the attacks the enemies throw at you," Melchior returned. "Your quick movements and quick thinking have gotten us out of many scrapes in the past.”

[ ]

“…I might not even be alive today if not for you."

"And I you, Melchior," returned Kallias.

IMO, Melchior’s “I might not even be alive” moment vibes as working better separated after a pause and moment for him to get a bit moody or something.

"...Get a room, you two," Dalibor joked, snickering.

"Yeah," agreed Spiridon. "...Sheesh. And you wonder why there's fiction about the two of you."

This remark immediately sent Team Marshwood into a fluster.

I mean, I hadn’t considered the idea of Team Marshwood getting in-setting slash fiction of each other, but it does make sense given how much of a big deal they are in-setting canonically and how rabid fanboys/girls can get.

"Oh, for goodness' sake, Spiridon!" Kallias said. "How many times do I have to say it?! Melchior and I do not see each other in that light!"

Don’t worry, you’re just planting the seeds for a chunk of your readerbase to do it either in earnest or as a troll, Kallias. :^)

"Yeah! I mean, we're both married, and to women at that!" Melchior refuted. "Kallias even has a daughter! If we were partners in that sense, then why would we have wives?"

[ ]

"...Polygamy?" Spiridon shrugged.

Dalibor laughed out loud at this reply. [ ]

"We're not that kind of people," Kallias responded, with a tone that suggested he'd been through this before. "Listen, I support those who wish to be romantic with the same sex. I would gladly decry any attempt to clamp down on their rights. But…the simple fact is that I do not see other men in that light. And especially not Melchior. He is a good friend and my partner as a mercenary. Nothing more."

You doth protest too much, Kallias.

I kid, I kid, though was a campaign to criminalize gay marriage/relationships actually a thing in Selenia under the Ruslans? Since that’s never mentioned up to this point in this story and it feels like either that should be acknowledged more or else the detail ought to be dropped. If it’s the latter, I feel there’s potentially a more natural way of saying things if we keep things focused more along the lines of “I don’t object to this”. e.x.:

"Dalibor, I don’t judge Pokémon that are romantically attracted to other men, but neither I or Melchior are like that," Kallias responded, with a tone that suggested he'd been through this before. "I simply just do not see other men in that light. And especially not Melchior. He is a good friend and my partner as a mercenary. Nothing more."

Food for thought, anyways.

"Exactly what Kallias said," Melchior seconded. "...It's a good thing most people see those rumours as hogwash. I know there are people who would gladly use rumours like those to ruin our image. Some have even tried to."

Paralogue of Team Elpis walking in on someone making gay shipfic/smut of Kallias and Melchior when? /s

[ ]

"Good thing they never get far," Kallias continued. "It plainly isn't true, and people see that. Not to mention…even if I did lie with Melchior, that would mean cheating on my beloved Zenobia. And that, I would never dream of doing."

"Same," Melchior agreed. "...I never even told Paulina about those rumours. And I think that's for the best."

I mean, just saying, Yaoi fandoms do tend to be heavily female-tilted, Melchior.

"Quite right, Melchior." Kallias nodded his head in agreement. "The less that's said about those rumours, the better."

[ ]

"...Right." Spiridon, seeing the duo's point, kept his mouth shut in slight guilt at the exchange.

"...And the mopey mood returns," Dalibor noted.

I mean, Spiridon literally brought this on himself by bringing up the matter of romantic lives, just saying.

"I was just trying to make humour…" the Hawlucha mumbled. "I didn't realise that topic was so sensitive for them…"

"...Well, you heard them. They would never betray their wives like that," Dalibor explained. "Even in a world where we're a bit more accepting of same-sex relations, the old rules of faithfulness to married partners still apply.”

[ ]

“That's what gets the two of them more than anything about those rumours. Not the 'being romantic for each other' side of things…but the 'cheating on their wives'. That's the supposed sin here."

Dalibor’s dialogue IMO is long enough that you should consider partitioning it into two parts

"Oh…" Spiridon looked even more guilty. "...So that's it, huh? …I think I get it. I was heartbroken when I was cheated on. If Kallias was essentially being accused of cheating, then I get why it's a sensitive subject for him."

He looked off to the side in shame. [ ]

"...Then again, maybe I don't. I'm not married like you and them, Dali."

Ditto here. Though I do wonder if the phrasing in underlined is a little too vague and can be said more clearly.

"Hush, Spiridon," the Grimmsnarl encouraged. "You said yourself you wanted to stop talking about your breakup. Don't change your mind. It'll only make you miserable if you keep bringing it up."

"...Right," the Hawlucha decided, before slapping either side of his face. "Time to get out of this funk and start helping out a bit more. Kallias and Melchior have been doing most of the work."

And it This was true; the duo had been taking out most of the ferals in the Mystery Dungeon thus far, while he and Dalibor had been holding up the rear. [ ]

Eventually, they group came to a bigger room. At the other end of it, they saw the stairs. However, two ferals stood in their way: a Shiftry and a Sawsbuck.

It might make sense to add a blurb about Spiridon and Dalibor starting to move on here before cutting ahead to “Eventually [...]” to make the transition smoother.

"Hold on, guys," Spiridon announced before any plans could be announced called out. "I got this." Before Kallias or Melchior could say anything, he leapt in front, and dashed for the Shiftry. Then he leapt up into the air, before crashing down on the feral below him.

"Acrobatic Smackdown!" His signature move of Flying Press and Bounce combined was very effective on the Shiftry, and it went down swiftly. It was a similar story with the Sawsbuck, albeit slightly more difficult. But nothing it could do to counterattack deterred Spiridon, and with another Acrobatic Smackdown, it fell down in defeat.

Not really feeling the after-the-fact battle narration here. While I get the importance of keeping this short since it’s not a particularly important encounter, I do wonder if showing more of the blow-by-blow would’ve made sense, especially Spiridon cutting in just as the others are getting ready.

"Well done, Spiridon," praised Melchior.

[ ]

"...Hm. Interesting. Where'd this come from, wanting to take them on your own?" Kallias wondered.

[ ]

"...It's my way of making up for that comment earlier," Spiridon replied. "I'm…sorry for bringing it up. I didn't realise how sensitive it was to you."

[ ]

"...It's fine," the Sceptile assured. "Just don't bring it up again, okay?"

"I promise."

[ ]

"Good. …Let's move on.

And some spots where it probably would be worth slotting in added description would add to this scene, especially since you have a couple points where one or another character’s mood perceptibly changes.

Yew Gulch

8F​

[ ]

"Is this the last floor?" Spiridon asked.

"I believe so, yes," Kallias replied, going over to pick up a nearby blast seed on the ground.

You probably want a bit more lead-in to this to set the scene, since it’s mentioned nowhere up to this point that Yew Gulch’s 8th floor is its final one.

[ ]

"Still no sign of Hinnerk, though…" remarked Dalibor.

"We'll see him when we see him," Melchior said. "Either he's on this floor or he's at the end.”

[ ]

“…Hmmm…"

[ ]


"Something up, Melchior?" Spiridon asked.

"...I wonder if he knows we're following him," pondered the Swampert.

A couple spots where it probably makes sense to jot down added description, especially since I kinda got the vibe that Melchior was basically stopping to ponder for a moment that doesn’t really come through in his present dialogue formatting.

"You think?" The Hawlucha sounded a bit more doubtful. "Nah, I don't think so. He didn't spot you when you were listening in on him, did he, Dali?"

[ ]

"...No," the Grimmsnarl replied, before adding, "At least, I don't think so."

"There, see? We should be okay."

I mean, Hinnerk did heavily vibe as outsourcing a lot of his thinking out to Mikhail when we last saw him. Though this sounds like heavy bait for getting nastily surprised from underestimating him.

"...I wouldn't bet on that," warned Kallias. "You can never be sure of what sort of plots the likes of Hinnerk might come up with. A mercenary must plan for every contingency, especially when we're dealing with outlaws.”

[ ]

“…And especially if this whole thing is a part of this plot that we're investigating."

[ ]

"Oh yeah…I almost forgot about that," Spiridon replied. "Guess the whole catching Hinnerk part of this excited me more. …But hang on a minute. If Hinnerk's a part of this whole underground movement thing…then what does that mean?"

"...Not good things, I can say that much," Kallias said with contempt.

He paused in his dialogue to deal with a wild Drampa. A few Ferned Cross Slashes, and it was dealt with. He continued after this.

"There's no misunderstanding in that case, then. Hinnerk truly is an outlaw, just as we've been suspecting this whole time. This time, there's definitive proof behind our accusations."

Some more potential spots for expansion. Also not really feeling this Drampa encounter here, though at minimum, it would benefit from being separated out from the surrounding dialogue.

"But what reason would he have to involve himself with whatever's going on here?" Melchior questioned.

[ ]

"...Money," Dalibor answered. "That was what the person he was dealing with was using as leverage. …I think that might be all there is to it. He's just doing this because of the stupid amounts of money he's being paid."


"...He was always obsessed over money," Spiridon mused. "When he was with us on missions, all he cared about was getting his share of Poké."

[ ]

"Too true. What a greedy man, unfit to be a mercenary," Kallias seethed. "I'll have some words for the Guildmaster when I get back…"

Given that both Dalibor and Spiridon’s dialogue imply some level of a pause, you probably want to slot in description in front of one or the other’s line. In this particular case, I suggested in front of Dalibor’s and Kallias’

"Let's just focus on the mission for now," Melchior told him. "We'll see what depth of involvement and motivations he has with this lot when we come across him."

[ ] The four kept going throughout the Mystery Dungeon. Annoyingly, though, it seemed to be one of those floors that the stairs always seemed to elude them. Multiple rooms they went through, many ferals they knocked out, and yet still the stairs wouldn't come.

This wasn't unusual for either team - both had experienced this the stairs appearing slowly at least a few times in their endless delving into Mystery Dungeons. But this time, it made them anxious and antsy. When they were supposed to be catching up to Hinnerk and closing in on him, they couldn't afford to dawdle in the bowels of the Mystery Dungeon.

This was bad enough. However, they had found a new path they hadn't gone down. Things seemed to be looking up…until they got to the last room.

"Look!" Spiridon pointed to the room ahead. "The stairs! Finally we can get off this damn floor!" He ran forward into the room.

Couple of minor suggestion tweaks, and I think that you should consider adding more of a transition into “The gang kept going [...]” even if it’s just a tiny attached blurb to the effect of “The four turned and kept [...]” or something like that.

"Wait, Spiridon! Don't rush off!" Kallias called, following after him. However, once inside the room, both men suddenly realised what they had gotten into.

So too, did their partners.

Their reactions were all of horror.

"No! Are you kidding me?! At the freaking end?!" Spiridon raged.

"Shit! Right now, of all times!" Kallias cursed.

"Dammit! Which god cursed this to happen?!" Dalibor seethed.

"Why? Why now?" Melchior said in despair.

There was one simple reason why they had these reactions.

Because they had stumbled into the den that all mercenaries dreaded.

"A Monster House!"

I… think that you should show a bit more of the reaction of “crap, snarling ferals everywhere” more explicitly and a bit earlier in the narration than this. Since there’s a lot of tell and not show going on right now and a general lack of description to set the scene and reactions of the cast.

Teams Marshwood and Hair Trigger looked around them. Countless Sawsbuck, Mightyena, Shiftry, Hypno and Staraptor appeared in the room, and began to hone in on the four mercenaries.

Kallias quickly fumbled inside the bag and picked out a slumber orb. He threw it to the ground and with a smash, most ferals in the room were sound asleep.

…Well, nearly all of them. Alas…some Pokémon didn't sleep were still awake.

"Wait! Why are they still awake up?!" Spiridon panickedly pointed to the five or so Hypno that were unaffected.

"They're Hypno! They have Insomnia, they don't fall asleep!" Dalibor reminded.

Yeah, another spot where it probably makes sense to describe things in a bit more detail and blow-by-blow. Especially if there’s a tense moment where Kalias almost gets attacked or something while popping the Slumber Orb.

[ ]

"Shit! Let's make a break for it!" yelled the Hawlucha.

"You don't have to tell me twice!" Kallias shouted. "Come on, Melchior, let's go!"

All four made a break for the stairs. Team Marshwood made it up the stairs without any problems. However, Team Hair Trigger had a more difficult time. Spiridon, who happened to be at the back, was closed in by one of the Hypno, and it used Psychic on him.

Another spot where you probably want to fluff out your battle narration a bit more, since with the lack of narration, the Hypno don’t really succeed at being really “threatening” at the moment.

"Argh!" cried the avian. It hurt, given his Fighting-type, and he fell to the ground.

I would suggest rephrasing the underlined to focus more on what’s happening. e.x. Something like:

"Argh!"

Spiridon crumpled to the ground after the psychic toss, and stumbled up with an unsteady wheeze. He fought against the aches in his body, looking up to see the Hypno encroaching.

Something to consider, anyways.

"Spiridon!" Dalibor cried. "Hang on!"

His attention turned to the Hypno that had struck. "Take this, you bastard feral!" He lunged forward and dealt a Sucker Punch to the Hypnosis Pokémon. In anger, it tried to retaliate with another Psychic, but Dalibor's Dark-type nullified the attack.

"Your mistake!"

The hairy gremlin struck again with a pink energy surrounding his hair-fist. His use of Spirit Break caused the Hypno to go down.

"Th-Thanks, Dali…" Spiridon weakly thanked.

See the prior recommendations regarding description of battle choreography, since it applies here, too.

"You're welcome. Now let's get the hell out of dodge!" yelled the Grimmsnarl yelled.

He picked up Spiridon, making a run for the stairs. Luckily, this attempt was successful, and the duo made it out of the Monster House.

Some small suggestions here. Though I think it might be worth doing a deeper rephrasing, since this is getting a bit into “tell and not show” territory.

Yew Gulch

Clearing

​

[ ]

"Oh, there you are!" Melchior sighed with relief when he saw Dalibor carrying Spiridon. "I'm sorry. We should've stayed and helped…"

"Eh, it's okay. Nothing that couldn't be overcome," Dalibor shrugged off.

Also another spot where you probably want to drop in a bit more scene-setting description than this.

[ ]

"...Even so…if you hadn't escaped from there, I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself," Kallias self-reprimanded. "That was poor judgement on our part. When you didn't come up behind us immediately, we feared the worst…"

"Don't beat yourself up over it, Kallias," the Grimmsnarl replied. "Let's just get Spiridon back into action."

He placed his partner on the ground, and gave him an oran berry. This revitalised the Hawlucha, and he managed to get back on his feet.

"Thanks a bunch back there, Dali!" he said gratefully. "I thought I might have been was about to be a goner!"

Couple suggestions here. The underlined is another moment that stood out to me as being very “tell and not show” in structure. Consider showing more of what the process of Spiridon being healed “looks” like.

"No problem," Dalibor returned. "Just looking out for my partner, as any merc should."

"...I'm glad to have you as my partner," the Hawlucha said. "Seriously, Dali, I…don't know if I would have come this far as a merc if not for your help. It was great reaching Platinum Rank back in the spring. To think Dad said being a merc wouldn't come to anything…"

A satisfied smirk crossed his face. [ ]

"To think Dad said being a merc wouldn't come to anything... I'd like to see what he thinks now. Maybe I should send him a big fat cheque one day."

Would suggest breaking up and rearranging Spiridon’s line to be something along the lines of the above.

"Hah! That's a thought," laughed Dalibor. "And I'm grateful for you too, man. I'm surprised I was even unsure about you back in the day. Well, there's none of that now. I'd probably say you were the best choice of partner I could've had back then."

"...A happy accident, eh?" Spiridon smiled. "...Hm, you know what? Let's save the praise for later, once we corner Hinnerk and put him behind bars."

"Yeah. Time for him to get what's coming to him!" Dalibor said with vigour.

Both men led the way further into the clearing that was at the end of the Mystery Dungeon, with Spiridon being the first into the area. [ ]

And immediately, Kallias and Melchior were hit with a sense of déjà vu.

Not really feeling the “said with vigour” part there, though I was admittedly blanking on suggestions to slot in as an alternative. I do think that you should probably describe the smell that Kallias and Melchior notice a bit more than you presently do in your prose.

"That scent again," Kallias noted. "You smell that, guys?"

"...Yep," Dalibor confirmed, sniffing the air. "...Geez, what is that?"

"...Nothing good, that's for sure." Spiridon's nose wrinkled at the smell. "What is that?"

"That mysterious liquid being brewed," Melchior informed. "Just like last time. So we were right. And Hinnerk's involved in all of this…"

Yeah, it would probably make sense to give more of a description of the odor either earlier or somewhere in this section. Since I didn’t realize that the odor was supposed to be this noticeable.

"Well then…" Kallias cracked his knuckles. "Let's see if we can get some answers this time."

They walked closer to where the scent was getting stronger. Soon, they happened across a familiar sight.

A group of Pokémon, approximately five of them, were gathered around a cauldron, mixing a strange brew.

"...Just like last time," muttered the Sceptile. "...Hey! You all! Stop right there!"

Oh hey, there’s a song for this:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dv13gl0a-FA

All of the Pokémon looked up, and immediately fell into a defensive position when they saw the four mercenaries approach.

"Ya wanna deal with us, ya overgrown Treecko?" scoffed a Wigglytuff.

"Well, ya messed with the wrong folks!" shouted a Simisear.

"You're not gonna take us down!" called a Vileplume. "Camula's lot might've been beaten by you, but we sure as hell won't lose against the likes of you!"

It probably would’ve made sense to mention the species as part of your earlier mention of “group of Pokémon”. If the idea is that Kallias and the others don’t get a clean look until they come closer towards a light source, more explicitly handle the delayed reveal somewhere in this section.

"Oh yeah? There's more against you now," Spiridon fired back. "It'll be an even quicker battle with Team Hair Trigger backing them up!"

[ ]

"Who?" a Butterfree snickered. "Sorry, but you're nobodies. We know Team Marshwood, but I sure as hell haven't heard of you. And I'd be perfectly happy to never hear of you again!"

"Quite right. The less mercenaries that interfere with our plans, the better!" a Perrserker growled. "Even if you are the legendary Team Marshwood, that doesn't mean we'll let you walk all over us!"

He seemed to be the leader of the group, and they seemed to look to him for leadership as he stepped out from behind the cauldron.

"Time to rip you to shreds!" His dagger-like claws were bared, and he ran towards Spiridon, the nearest mercenary to him.

Yeah, I stand by my comment that the whole “introduce the group and highlight the seeming ringleader” thing should’ve been done earlier if possible. If it has to be done here, show the “seemed the leader” a bit more explicitly. Like how are the others reacting to him right now?

Reacting quickly, the avian Spiridon leapt backwards as the steel cat threw a swipe at him. He landed a short distance away, and adopted his own battle stance, as did his comrades.

"Fine, you want to throw down?" Spiridon cracked his knuckles. "I'd be all too happy to punch your lights out! Come on, everyone! Let's get them!"

Getting Lanz flashbacks in live-time, even if I gather that Spiridon is meant to quite different in vibe as a character.

With that, he launched himself into the fray. He leapt up high and slammed down on the Perrserker with a Flying Press, before backflipping back to his original position.

"...Not a bad first throw," he admitted. "But I, the great Perdido, don't go down so easily!" He launched an Iron Head at the Wrestling Pokémon, knocking him back some distance.

Just saying, your name means ‘lost’/‘hopeless’ in multiple Iberian languages, buddy. Alternatively, he could be a XB2 reference, since you do have a ‘Mikhail’ in his friend circle...

Though see the earlier remarks re: describing battles playing out a bit more.

"Urgh…" Spiridon recomposed himself, and took a quick moment to see how his fellow mercenaries were getting on.

Each was locked into their own battle. Dalibor was facing off against the Wigglytuff, Melchior against the Vileplume, and Kallias against both the Simisear and the Butterfree. He couldn't help but notice something about each battle.

The enemies all have a type advantage, except for me. Spiridon couldn't help but worry about this. Another thought, though, came to him that brought reassurance. But not like that's stopped us before!

Energised by his self-assurance, he charged again at Perdido.

Ditto here, though as a minimalistic baseline, I think that Spiridon’s thoughts and his “get up and charge” moment should be separated from each other.

Over to the Hawlucha's left, Dalibor was faring somewhat okay, despite the type disadvantage against the Wigglytuff, a fact she was all too willing to boast about.

"Yer not gonna win against me, ya ball of hair," she taunted. "'Specially when I can stall ya 'til 'em Miltank go home!"

Karelian detected with that accent there.

"Oh really?" Dalibor returned, before returning to a strategy he was well familiar with. "...Hey, you clearly have the advantage. Could you…maybe think about letting me go? Please?" He tried to sound pleading.

[ ]

"...Hmm…maybe I can, if yer willin' to do stuff for me." The Wigglytuff looked him over. "Yer quite a looker, ya know. I wouldn't mind someone with muscles like yers…" She turned to her comrades. "Ya lot! This one ain't gonna fight no more! He - !"

The underlined IMO should be spelled out more in terms of what Dalibor’s concretely doing and the Wigglytuff’s hesitation should probably also be shown more explicitly.

She was then struck across her midsection. [ ]

"...False Surrender." Dalibor's grin betrayed his satisfaction at getting that attack off. "Sorry, lady. I'm a married man, with plenty of kids to look after. Besides, I don't play ball with criminals. So it's a hard pass from me."

[ ]

"Grrr…Ya tricked me!" the Wigglytuff raged angrily. "I'll pay ya back!"

She got ready to use Play Rough on her adversary. But before she could…

Dalibor struck her once again.

"Sucker Punch," he taunted. "Take that, girl."

Some more spots where it probably makes sense to expand more of the blow-by-blow detail beyond what you have there.

[ ]

"Oh, yer gonna pay for that!" she growled, and braced herself for a lunge. getting ready to pay him back. [ ]

Meanwhile, Team Marshwood had decided to fight as a pair against the three adversaries that faced up against them. This approach was one they found to be the most optimal, for they could cover each other's weaknesses in the case of type disadvantage, which happened to be the case here. That being said, Kallias had fared well against the Simisear, and one Mud Bomb from Melchior saw to the fire monkey's defeat. That left the Butterfree and the Vileplume.

"Oh, this target's an easy one. With me, Lumi?" she said. "Let's pelt that Swampert with what'll hurt him most!"

Some more battle choreography that is a bit too “action log”-y. Though “Lumi”, huh? I wonder if we’ll wind up seeing her again given the explicit namedrop.

"Agreed!"

Lumi the Vileplume prepared to use Petal Blizzard, and the Butterfree readied a Giga Drain. They were to combine their attacks, and no doubt, if they had both connected, the Water/Ground-type Melchior would suffer quite a blow indeed, even for him.

Luckily, Kallias's quick thinking thought otherwise. The Sceptile dug through the bag and threw a petrify orb at the two Pokémon, freezing them in place. But not just them - Dalibor and Spiridon's opponents also fell under the effects of the orb.

"Thanks, Kallias!" Spiridon called. "...At least now we have space to take out our items." He went to Dalibor, who had their team's bag, and rooted through it. "A violent seed, a vile seed, and a blast seed…Boy, so many seeds," he remarked. "How'd that happen? …But anyway. This'll do me."

You know the drill re: battle choreography. Though I’m surprised that Spiridon has the time to just go to someone’s bag and root through it without having to either hide behind cover or else have his friends do a distracting battle.

He ate the violent seed, and felt the boost in strength from it. Then he threw the vile seed at Perdido. Before the Perrserker could react, the blast seed came right after.

"Argh!" the cat cried out in pain. "You! You'll pay for that, you featherhead!"

Enraged, he went in again for the kill. He lunged with Fury Swipes, and slashed at the Hawlucha, intent to rip him apart. Some of the swipes struck him, making the avian hiss at the pain.

"...Right, you're beginning to get on my nerves," Spiridon spat, clutching the bleeding wound on his arm. He noticed his adversary was showing signs of weariness. "Time to finish you off!" He leapt up into the air, hovered for a few seconds, before slamming down on the Perrserker.

"Acrobatic Smackdown!"

You probably want to slow down and describe more of the flow of events here, since you don’t even explicitly mention Spiridon being left bleeding from one of Perdido’s blows.

The combined effects of the violent seed on Spiridon and the vile seed on Perdido, coupled with the latter's recent damage from the blast seed, made the Hawlucha's attack all the more devastating. The steel cat fell onto his back.

"Grraaagh…You masked rat…!" he snarled.

"That's what you get for messing with Team Hair Trigger and calling us nobodies," Spiridon returned, kicking him in the face for good measure. "...Now then. Let's clean the rest of this up."

See the prior remarks re: battle description. It’s particularly noticeable in the first paragraph in this block.

Looking over at his comrades, it seemed like not much needed cleaning up. Kallias and Melchior had finished dealing with the Butterfree and the Vileplume, and it was only Dalibor who was still engaged in the duel with the Wigglytuff. Spiridon happened to catch Kallias' eye, and both smiled and nodded with the same thought:

Let's help him out.

Thus, they intervened together, and with a Poison Jab from Spiridon and a Belladonna Cross Slash from Kallias saw to the Wigglytuff's defeat.

"...Thanks, guys," Dalibor said, panting slightly. "She was a Stockpile user. That's why I was a bit slower than the rest of you."

And given that this is the end of the battle, I presume this’ll be the last point where I point out the “action log”-style battle description. Though it probably would’ve been worth showing off Wigglytuff using Stockpile a bit more explicitly since I don’t remember that being mentioned at all prior to this point.

"Ah." Spiridon nodded in understanding. "But then we're always happy to help. 'Specially me, Dali! That's what partners are for!"

"You said it, Spiridon." The Grimmsnarl fist-bumped his partner.

Boy does this vibe differently knowing where Spiridon and Dalibor wind up in the present day.

"...Team camaraderie is one of the greatest sensations feelings, isn't it?" Kallias mused, gazing at the duo. Then, looking over at the struggling Perdido, his expression became more serious.

"Right," he said in an authoritative voice that snapped Spiridon and Dalibor out of their moment. "Time to get to the bottom of this."

He marched over to the Perrserker's side. [ ]

"Perdido, was it? What is your business here?"

Would recommend hacking up Kallias’ line and dividing it up a bit.

"...I'll never tell," Perdido said in defiance. "Mercenary scum...You're from the Irian Guild, aren't you?"

"That we are," Kallias replied, a hint of menace to his voice. "And you're not the only bust we've had over whatever's going on here."

He gestured to the cauldron of enigmatic liquid. [ ]

"We had a similar one in Limestone Cavern, south of here near Lukomoria."

[ ]


"...So it was you who got Camula." Perdido growled. angrily at this realisation.

Couple more spots where it probably makes sense to expand things and show off more of the characters’ moods. Perdido’s saltiness is one of the bigger standouts that I thought would benefit from that.

"Quite right. Now tell us! What nefarious plot is going on here?" Kallias interrogated. "What do you plan to do with that liquid? Sorry, pardon me - that poison?"

"..." The Perrserker kept silent, but the look of realisation on his face told it all. [ ]

"...So it is poison, then," Kallias established. "I will ask until you give an answer. What is your reason for making up a concoction like that, of rare materials? Some of which are forbidden to be extracted by the order of His Majesty?"

[ ]

"...Wouldn't you love to know?" Perdido responded. "...They say you're a clever one, Fernblade. You too, Mud Bomber. I give you the slightest clue, and you'll have the whole thing unravelled. I'm not an idiot. This trap is staying shut."

Bruh, just saying, attempted regicide is one of those crimes that historically really, really does not end well for the people who get caught trying it.

[ ]

"...Mmm…"

Kallias took a breath, trying not to let the cat's persistence get to him. He looked over at his partner, who had gone to investigate the materials beside the cauldron.

"Melchior, what have you found anything?"

"Mostly the same as before," the Swampert reported back. "Strange materials - that flower, the bark, and the salt - they're all here, once again. Except…"

[ ] He looked again, at a folded up piece of parchment.

"There's paper here."

Some more odds and ends suggestions for this section.

"What does it say?"

Melchior unfolded it. [ ]

"It's…a map of some sort," he said. "I think it's a town?"

He showed it to the other three. It seemed to depict a settlement with many streets zigzagging the settlement. Along with it were a number of marks at various places on the map. [ ]

"...Hang on a minute," Dalibor said. "I know this layout…"

"...For good reason," Kallias observed. "This is a map of Iria."

These are a couple moments where you probably want to show the stuff happening in a bit more detail. Though the Iria team of this assassin gang’s totally lead by Mikhail, isn’t it?

"But what would a map of Iria be doing all the way out here?" Spiridon wondered.

"...More questions for our adversary, then." Kallias turned back to the Perrserker. "Why do you have a map of Iria, when we're located far away from there? What do the marks on this map mean?"

I’m honestly surprised that Dalibor isn’t having more red flags pop up here in live-time given that he overheard Hinnerk talking with someone who was clearly aligned with this gang back in Iria. It might make sense to at least give him a “red herring” moment as to the significance of that.

[ ]

"I'm not telling you a damn thing," Perdido growled evaded.

[ ]

"... We don’t have time for this. What are you planning? Tell us!" The Sceptile was beginning to get annoyed at the cat's obstinance.

Would recommend pulling the stuck-out text about Kallias getting annoyed forward before he speaks and rephrasing it a bit to be more “as things happen” instead of the current more “tell”-y format.

"...Or what?" taunted Perdido. "What are you prissy mercenaries going to do? You can't kill me. Your Guild's oath forbids it!”

[ ]

“Some stupid system that is! Even the knights don't follow that kind of rule! Outright no killing? All bark, no bite, that's all you mercs are! Without the help of knights to do your works of justice for you, you're like a horde of declawed Glameow!" He laughed hysterically at this.

I feel like the underlined is likely not needed since it’s veering a little off into exposition fairly land and overlaps with the end of Perdido’s line. I would recommend having his “laughing hysterically” pulled forward along with some sort of annoyed reaction from Kallias and/or the gang. For the part of Perdido’s dialogue that I hacked off, consider rephrasing it to something like:

”That’s all it takes to get you to back down? What a stupid system you mercs have, you’re all bark and no bite!” the Perrserker sneered. “Without the help of knights to do your Guild’s dirty work, you're like a horde of declawed Glameow!"

Or something like that.

"Hey!" Spiridon blasted. "You dare mock the Guild?! No one talks shit about the Guild and gets away with it!"

Spiridon’s first sentence after his speech tag IMO overlaps with the second too much.

"You got cotton in your ears, birdbrain? I just said it, didn't I? Killing me goes against that farce of an oath you have." Perdido laughed again. "A far cry from Gamaliel's savagery, that's for sure! You're pathetic, the lot of you!"

Just filing that name away for the future.

Spiridon saw red at this remark. He said no words, but walked forward, and then slugged the cat right across the nose.

"Aaaaargh!" he yowled, feeling the full force of the Hawlucha's blow.

Not really feeling the underlined due to its “after the fact” style. Though wait, isn’t Spiridon actively dribbling blood at the moment? ^^;

"Yeah, you feel that?" snarled Spiridon. "That's a pathetic punch, huh? Huh?! A weakling couldn't do something like that, could they?! How about I try again?!"

He readied another punch. [ ]

"Uh, Spiridon?" Dalibor said, rather unnerved by his partner's rage. "M-Maybe you could back off a bit? Just a little?"

"We still need answers, Spiridon," Melchior added. "We can't get them from him if he's unconscious."

[ ]

"...Fine." The Hawlucha, hearing the pleas of his comrades, lowered his arm. The tone of his voice, however, suggested he was far from happy about not laying into Perdido. "Still…no one talks crap about the Guild like he did…"

It probably makes sense to show more of Dalibor and Melchior reacting to Spiridon losing his cool. Especially if one or the other is getting up to physically intervene with him.

"I see your point. But you can't let your emotions get the better of you," Kallias said to him. "Otherwise, you may end up doing something you'll regret for the rest of your days."

"..." Spiridon said nothing. But the look on his face told him that he understood the Sceptile's words.

He winds up actually doing this when Mitty’s coup goes through, huh?

[ ]

"Hah…idiots," Perdido remarked. "You should've just ignored what was going on here."

[ ]

"...Piece of shit," growled Spiridon. "Don't make me go back on my promise!"

"...Not like it matters." A victorious grin suddenly crossed the Perrserker's face. "You're going to die anyway, the lot of you. Meddling in our affairs, and trying to salt the earth in which we will sprout…you won't succeed! We'll be the ones to escort you straight to Yveltal's embrace!"

Oh, so Mikhail does have roots with these guys, since I distinctly remember it being strongly implied that there was some Yveltal-related stuff going on with those ‘sacrifices’ that Hinnerk was gathering back in Ozerograd.

"'We?'" Dalibor couldn't help but note his usage of the word. Upon uttering it, a realisation struck him, especially as he looked at the woods around him. [ ]

"Guys…I think we might be cornered."

"Cornered?!" Melchior cried out, looking around the clearing. And soon he could see it for himself.

Multiple figures were present in the shadows of the woods. Their exact forms were hard to make out. But there were many of them, and many pairs of eyes gazed at them.

I think that it probably makes sense to give a bit more of a tipoff moment to Spiridon before putting two and two together. Even if it is something as simple as seeing brief movement or something like that.

"...Damnation," Kallias muttered. "How'd they know? They had to have known beforehand we would be here to organise an ambush like this…"

"The messenger tipped us off!" Perdido answered, grinning with superiority sneered. "Guess you're shitty spies as well to boot!"

Ah yes, so that’s why Hinnerk didn’t go after Dalibor right away back in Iria.

[ ]

"Hinnerk saw me? Crap…" Dalibor flinched when he heard this. "Sorry, guys…"

The ‘he’ IMO should be explicitly identified as ‘Hinnerk’ since it’s ambiguous in its present context.

[ ]

"...Nothing we can do about that now." Kallias observed. "We need to get out of this situation."

However, before they could act toward this end, movement could be seen within the trees.

"They're going to attack!" Melchior said. "Watch out, everyone!"

Melchior's warning proved true. Multiple black clouds of smoke flew towards them, and the area was soon caked in a black fog.

I think that the underlined paragraph probably would work better if it was sketched out in a bit more detail. For example what sort of movement is Kallias or the rest of the gang seeing?

"Smokescreen!" coughed Kallias. "Be careful! They're going to use this opportunity to strike!"

Oh hey, I see that we’re taking a page from that one Taion-related cutscene from XB3.

This was certainly true. But a saying then ran itself through Kallias' head, and the Sceptile recalled a previous lesson he had learned from a time when he and Melchior were in Alba.

'Even the most experienced warrior can't defend against what he doesn't see coming.'

He gritted his teeth as he got on the defensive, fearing what was to come.

And soon enough, it came: something did happen, amidst the smokescreen.

A scream of pain was heard rang out from nearby. Kallias and Melchior froze with terror at that scream, knowing who it was from immediately recognizing the voice.

"Dali!"

And Spiridon's horrified cry only confirmed it.

Oh hey, we are just going and doing a redux of that one XB3 cutscene, huh? Guess that the gang should start getting a bit more paranoid since there’ll definitely be more where that came from.

Team Marshwood ran in the direction of the cry. They saw the avian looking down at the fallen form of Dalibor, the former with a face of despair.

"He's wounded!" Melchior pointed to where a small pool of blood was beginning to form around the Grimmsnarl's head. "And in the head, no less!"

It probably makes sense to describe the general wound that Dalibor has a bit more. e.x. if he’s visibly bleeding from his temple or something like that.

"The head?! Oh, that's not good," Kallias reacted. "He needs medical attention immediately! Spiridon, we need to get out of here, now!"

Spiridon: “Um… we remembered to bring Escape Orbs with us, right?”

"...But…" The Hawlucha's expression then turned to one of blazing fury. "...They need to pay for this!"

"Now's not the time, Spiridon!" Kallias shouted. "Getting out of here's our top priority!"

Just as he finished speaking As he said this, he Kallias narrowly dodged what appeared to be a Flame Burst. He and felt one of its embers pierce him, causing him to and let out a pained hiss in pain. [ ]

"Spiridon, we can't stay here! We'll be killed die! Just like…" He didn't finish his sentence.

"Don't you dare say finish that sentence!"

But Spiridon knew what he would've said next had he not stopped himself.

"Now where's that damn Perrserker?!"

He dashed to just by the cauldron. There, the Smokescreen faded slightly, and he could see a bit clearer there. Right around that area…he found who he was looking for, and lunged for them.

Oh, there’s a story behind that reaction from Spiridon, I can already tell. Though I kinda wonder if it should’ve been foreshadowed more prior to this point.

"Gah!" Perdido cried. "Get off me, you feather - "

He didn't get to finish his sentence before he was Spridon slugged him across the face again.

And again.

And again.

"You bastard!" Spiridon screamed in rage, continuing to punch the Perrserker across the face in sheer fury. "You did this to Dali! You and these fucking outlaws with whatever the fuck's going on here! You will pay! You will pay!"

Let’s just check in with Spiridon as he attempts his speedrun of breaking the Mercenary’s Code:

At that point, his gaze happened upon the cauldron of the mysterious liquid.

An intriguing thought came to mind, and in his enraged state, he was all too happy to carry it out.

"Let's give you a taste of your own medicine!"

Spiridon declared before lifting Perdido and bringing him towards the cauldron. [ ]

"No! Don't, you birdbrain! Stop!" yelled Perdido.

Well, that last gif sure was pertinent there. Though I kinda wonder if we should’ve gotten a bit more focus on the way that Spiridon was seeing red up to this point, since I feel like we still are ramping up quite quickly going from “you hurt Dali” to “die, you miserable cat” here.

"Shut the fuck up!" Spiridon yelled back at him.

The Hawlucha plunged the Perrserker’s before plunging his head into the liquid. The Perrserker squirmed like mad trying to escape, but the Hawlucha's grip was as firm as could be. [ ]

"Spiridon! What are you doing?!" Kallias's voice came closer, and looking over, Spiridon could see the Sceptile running up to him. "Stop! We need to get out of here, now!"

Behind him, Melchior came running up, carrying the unresponsive Dalibor on his back.

Though IMO you probably want to slot in more of a reaction from Team Marshwood. Especially to sell the sense of “Oh crap, Spiridon, what are you doing?” given that they know full well what is going on here and what it could mean for Spiridon if things came out at the guild.

"No!" Spiridon was defiant. "Not until this piece of shit gets what he deserves!" He pulled Perdido's head out of the liquid, before dunking it back in again.

"Revenge means nothing compared to saving Dalibor's life!" Melchior replied. "What will killing him solve?!"

Bruh, considering how his face is getting immersed in a poison that’s likely intended to be lethal in small quantities, Perdido’s almost certainly a dead ‘mon walking at this point. ^^;

"Quite right! What did I say about doing something you might regret?" Kallias reminded. "And here you are, throwing away what I just said to you!"

"..." Spiridon didn't reply immediately. And before he could, a Flash Cannon struck him right in the side.

"Argh!" he cried, nearly losing his grip on Perdido but managing to keep it.

Kallias: “For gods’ sake, Spiridon! Get your damn priorities straight!”

"Right, that's it. I'm getting us out of here, whether you like it or not!" Kallias took the escape orb he was wielding in his hand, and slammed it down, transporting him, Melchior, Dalibor, Spiridon and Perdido out of the Dungeon.

Bruh, is Perdido even going to be alive by the time they get out of the Mystery Dungeon? Though how does that Escape Orb know to work with them plus Perdido and not any of Perdido’s buddies, anyways?

The group reappeared outside of Yew Gulch. However, there was no time to take a breather, for an emergency was at hand.

"We need to get Dalibor to the village," Kallias said, breathing in and out over what had just happened. "He needs aid, as quickly as possible."

Perdido: [choking_noises_intensifies]
Melchior: “... Right, what are we supposed to do with him again given that his lungs are probably half-full of poisoned water?” .-.
Spiridon: “Hrmph, I fail to see the problem here. And weren’t you all just giving me crap about having my priorities straight?” >v>;

"Right. I'll carry him," Melchior replied, still holding the unresponsive Grimmsnarl. "...He's still alive. Just about. But we need to move fast."

"Then let's go. …Spiridon?" Kallias turned to the avian.

"...Yes, of course." The Hawlucha, having seen his partner's state, seemed to understood the gravity of the situation. "...But let me deal with this scumbag first."

He went over to the dazed Perdido, and karate chopped the back of his neck, rendering him unconscious.

Though I suppose that’s one sign that the poison Perdido was brewing isn’t fast acting given that he’s not obviously convulsing or choking at the moment. I do think the narration here would work better if it was a bit more “active” than what is presently there, though.

"..." Kallias stared at Spiridon with disapproval. [ ]

"I won't discuss this with you now. We have more pressing issues at hand."

"Right Whatever," murmured Spiridon. "Let's just get Dali to the village."

IMO, Spiridon’s reaction works better in a more huffy / snippy tone. Since from his perspective, he’s getting even with the would-be assassin cat who talked smack about his guild and badly wounded his friend, so I would expect Spiridon to be a bit touchier about Kallias reacting to him as if he did something wrong.

"I'll run ahead and tell them what's what," Kallias volunteered, before sprinting off in the direction of the village. Melchior and Spiridon followed, though lagged behind due to their respective loads.

<><><>

When they finally did arrive back at Serykholm, villagers were prepared with a stretcher to take Dalibor in. The Grimmsnarl was put in it and marched off to the village medic's hut. [ ]

I’m not really feeling this transition here. IMO, either add a bit more content to sell the sense of time progressing a bit harder, or else add a hard scene cut to fast forward things.

"Mel!" a voice called, and looking over, Melchior saw his wife run up to him, Kallias following behind her. Her face was full of worry, as well as relief at her husband being alright.

"Paulina," he said. "...Sorry for all of this. But it's an emergency."

"I know. Kallias told me as much," the Meganium responded. "...Mel…what happened out there?"

"...It's a long story," Melchior sighed. "Let's go somewhere and talk about it."

Melchior: “Also, if for whatever reason that that Perrserker doesn’t wake up, if anyone asks, we found him like that.”

Paulina: “Um… Mel? What on earth is going on?”

[ ]

"...Oh, how terrifying…" Paulina replied. "I'm so sorry about what happened to Dalibor. But…at least the rest of you are safe. That's…something, at least."

"True. That might not have been the case if we'd stayed for longer," Melchior mused. "To think, that we walked right into a trap…"

Would recommend having a bit more lead-in description to mention what exactly was happening in the time in between the end of the last scene and these opening lines.

[ ]

"...That Perrserker said that Hinnerk informed them of our approach told him we were coming," Kallias noted. [ ]

"...It’s curious, though. Hinnerk wasn't anywhere to be seen."

"His job was as a messenger," Melchior recalled. "He probably just left his materials with those people in there and left."

"So he's still at large, then…" Kallias curled his fist in slight anger at this fact. "Complicit with attempted murder…Damn him! To think he got the better of us…"

A couple more spots where you probably want to expand on describing the characters’ moods and reactions a bit more.

[ ]


"Did you inform the knights of this?"

"Yes. A bigger entourage is coming from Kamengrad to investigate this."

"...Good."

Wait, who is saying what lines here? And what exactly has been happening with Perdido all this time anyways? ^^;

Silence reigned for a short bit, while Team Marshwood sipped some herbal tea that Paulina had made for them. It helped to calm their nerves in the wake of what had just happened. Since adrenaline was driving them when they were in the gulch, it was only now coming to them just what a hairy situation they were in.

At least they were safe for now in Serykholm. The village's guards vowed to defend against any potential invaders, and the unconscious Perdido had been tied up in the lead guard's house, ready to be handed over to the Kamengrad knights when they showed up.

Well, guess that cauldron’s contents weren’t active yet given that Perdido’s still alive. Unless it’s just a slow-acting poison.

This was something their companion was also beginning to understand. Spiridon, who had been in absolute rage back in the Dungeon, had gone noticeably quiet. Kallias looked over at him, and caught his eye.

"...Spiridon," he began.

"..." The Hawlucha said nothing. But the expression of resignation on his face displayed his feelings of guilt in the aftermath of all that had happened.

"...Do you have anything to say, Spiridon?" Kallias pressed.

"..." Spiridon gave a long sigh, and uttered his response.

Spiridon:

Kallias: “Spiridon, take this seriously, dammit!” >.<

"...I'm sorry."


"...At least you do regret it," Kallias replied. The avian's apology did sound genuine, based on the look on his face.

"...I do hope you realise the extent to which you acted out of line in there,” he said. Of how at a time when Your partner was in mortal peril, you sought out revenge instead. …Barely even a short-term solution.”

[ ]

“Spiridon, I know from experience from dealing with outlaws what it’s like to deal with a Pokémon that’s that had murdered someone before. To see a good friend of mine potentially go down that path…it makes me shudder. Seeing you get so close to going down that same path…

Kallias briefly shuddered, before turning a sharp frown back to the Hawlucha.

“Do you really believe that's what Dalibor would've wanted, Spiridon?"

Went out on a bit of a limb, but suggested some phrasing tweaks to break Kallias’ line up a bit and incorporate a bit more emotional reaction from him.

Spiridon flinched at the reminder of the Grimmsnarl, who at the present moment was being treated by the village's medic. [ ]

"...N-No. That's not what he would've wanted…"

"...I'll have to raise this matter with Mitrofan when we get back to Iria," Kallias sternly told him. "It's the desertion of deserting Dalibor in his time of need that’s the real problem. That, more than anything, is the height of your misdeeds. Forget about the revenge - the attempt trying to poison that Perrserker. Leaving Dalibor - that is the cardinal sin here."

IMO, Kallias’ line has some redundant content in it. I made some attempts to shuffle things around to try and smooth things over and keep him from repeating himself.

[ ]

"I know," Spiridon moped. "I messed up big time…and I'm sorry…" He sounded close to tears.

[ ] Seeing that the conversation was shifting back to Dalibor, Melchior turned to Paulina.

"How is Dalibor right now?" he asked.

Would recommend pulling the underlined forward and throwing in some additional description in this section.

"...Papa's been with him for some time now," the Meganium answered. As it so happened, the village's medic was her father. "I can't say for sure how Dalibor is. I can only hope Papa can do something about his condition…"

I feel the underlined coming up as an aside here feels a bit too “by the way”. I wonder if there was a way to show this off sometime earlier, especially when the gang first came into town.

Unfortunately, her tone didn't invite confidence. It was, after all, a serious wound to the head, and those had the potential to have serious consequences for those that suffered them. And there wasn't anything the three mercenaries could do to help. All they could do was hope and pray for the best.

Quite some time passed - indeed, night had fallen by the time Paulina's father, a Parasect, approached the group from a side room where he was treating Dalibor.

Wait, Dalibor was right there this entire time? I’m surprised that the gang didn’t look over to check up on how he and Paulina’s dad were doing.

"Tymon," Melchior said to him. "How is he?"

"..." Tymon took a breath.

"...I have news, and unfortunately, most of it is not good."

Everyone's heart sank at this news.

"...How is he, Doc? Please, don't play around with words. Just…give it to us straight," Spiridon begged. "Is Dali gonna be okay or not?"

"...I can't truly say for sure," Tymon answered. "I can at least give you the good news. Your friend is alive."

"Oh thank goodness." Spiridon breathed a sigh of relief.

Melchior: “Um, Spiridon? You might not want to celebrate so soon since he told us earlier that he mostly had bad news.” .-.

"However!" The sharpness of the Parasect's next words quickly cast this feeling of relief aside. "Given the state of his injury, he may as well be."

Yeah, that was definitely ill-advised of Spiridon there. Sure is a good thing that there’s a bunch of those panacea orchids in the clutches of that assassin ring you need to break up, huh?

[ ]


"What? What do you mean, 'he may as well be'?!" Spiridon asked.

"...Come with me," Tymon demanded, gesturing with his claw. The other four followed him to his medical room.

They saw Dalibor, laying on one of the two beds in the room. Spiridon and Team Marshwood flinched at the sight of their teammate. His lower body was unharmed, but it was the head that drew their attention. Dalibor, from his forehead upward, had been completely bandaged. Meanwhile, the Grimmsnarl's eyes were closed, not at all reacting to their entrance.

Oh, so he’s in a coma. That blow to the head must’ve been quite something.

Though they heard Tymon's words that he was alive, they had a collective sinking feeling at what the Parasect doctor was going to say.

"Your friend, Dalibor, has a pulse. Therefore, he is alive. However, on the other hand, he has been completely unresponsive to any sort of physical and verbal stimuli," elaborated Tymon. "He is unresponsive to light. He is completely unaware that we are here. Hence, why I said he may as well be dead. That was a serious injury he sustained. Serious enough…to put him into a coma."

Yeah, I knew it. Though that actually makes me wonder how on earth Pokémon in comas in this setting are kept alive. Since… uh… you’d think that’d be a bit hard without the benefits of modern medicine.

"A coma?!" Spiridon reacted with horror. "No…please no…"

"I cannot say how long it will last, his comatose state," Tymon continued. "It could last for days. On the other hand, it could take months…maybe even years.”

[ ]

“…But I am afraid we do not have the means to treat him here in Serykholm, should this last a longer period of time,” the Parasect explained. “He would be better off being treated by the doctors in Iria. Their superior medical knowledge and better access to care would make Iria a more suitable place to treat him."

Tymon’s line is long enough that you probably want to divide it and slot something in between to act as the equivalent of a pause.

"Yes…that would be for the best," Kallias said.

"...Thanks for your help, Tymon," Melchior said to him.

"...It's my job, Melchior," the doctor replied. "I only wish I could do more. ...Leave him to me. I'll watch over him until you're ready to bring him back to Iria."

"Right. We'll leave for now." Team Marshwood got ready to leave the room. However…they noticed that Spiridon hadn't moved from his spot.

Kallias: “Um… Spiridon? You okay there?”

[ ]

"...A coma…" He plainly hadn't been paying attention to his fellow mercenaries in leaving the room. "No…No, no, this can't be happening…How am I gonna tell Cornelia? How am I gonna tell the kids about this…?"

It probably makes sense to bring up a bit more about Spiridon’s shaken reaction to what’s going on.

Kallias: “Right. I kinda tore into him earlier about him not being at Dalibor’s side after he got hurt.” .-.

Spiridon's despair was palpable, and Kallias and Melchior could only feel sympathy for the Hawlucha. What happened to Dalibor was horrible for the man himself. But for his good friends, his family, those he looked after, and his fellow Guild members…the effects of the attack on the Grimmsnarl would be felt far beyond his partner and two fellow mercenaries.

All of the mercenaries left the room with heavy hearts, not looking forward to their return to Iria with the bad news they had.

I feel your first paragraph here is a bit too “told” and not “shown”. Show off more of Spiridon/the gang’s reactions and maybe communicate a bit more of what’s going on in their heads for that sinking realization of dread or something like that.

Alright, made it to the end. As you can gather from above, I had quite a bit to say, so I’ll try to focus on the stuff that stood out to me a bit more for highlights and criticisms.

I see that things are ramping up nicely for this Special Episode. We got straight into the thick of things this time around as it turns out the gang Team Marshwood busted last chapter is part of a broader assassin ring, and things ended on a nice and tense note. I also liked the extra focus that we got to see on Dalibor and Spiridon. Like you built up that those two had a deeper history as part of the Iria arc, and it’s nice to be able to see that start to play out, as well as little bits of foreshadowing connecting who they were back then with who they become in the present day. The other past characters that we got to see were also fun to see bounce off each other in the chapter, even if we haven’t seen the story how how they get to where they need to be in the present day. (e.x. Kasimir being all but confirmed to be doomed to die due to the way the claimant to the Selenian throne in the present day is Leonid) I’ll be keeping an eye out on how that shakes out in the rest of this special episode.

As for criticisms, I noticed that some of the wording was a little off at points, in particular for some lines of dialogue where either the phrasing was a bit stilted or else there were parts where characters were basically saying the same things in rapid succession. I also felt that the chapter suffered from lack of description in some parts, which made it hard to read the room at times, both proverbially for character reactions and literally for what the general surroundings were like. I’m admittedly not fully sure how much runway there would be to jam stuff in without making the chapter too unwieldy since the version I read was already 13k words long. There were also some issues with “tell and not show” again, but something I also noticed was that there were some pretty bits of information that were strangely sandbagged. I noticed it the most towards the end of the chapter when the gang arrives in Serykholm and onward. In no particular order, the way that Paulina and especially Tymon’s introductions were a bit awkward. I also felt that the reveal that Spiridon apparently has had a teammate die in the past (unless that was intended to be a reference to Dalibor) was also very sudden and not built up much in advance.

Though even if there were some rough edges, I thought that this was a pretty fun chapter, @Arukona . I’m not sure if you intend to action on all or even any of the feedback that I pointed out for this chapter, but I hope that it’s helpful for your future writings. And I’ll be looking forward to coming back for more of Dual Wills in the near future.