Spiteful Murkrow
Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
- Pronouns
- He/Him/His
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Heya, here for Diner’s Review Tag, which was as good an excuse as any for getting me to get onto a personal goal of reading more of this story, since you were really generous about reviewing my stories over the past year and Review Blitz and I thought that it was only fitting to repay the favor a bit.
So let’s jump right into things where the gang rolls into a really rocky little town:
Chapter 11
I mean, you all were headed to a town with a name that more or less means “Stoneville”, so…
I wasn’t really feeling the passive voice beginning to the third paragraph, so I left some suggestions for how to potentially retool it into something a bit more active.
No, no, that’s the most believable thing in the world if you know Aggron ‘dex fluff, Arian. Though there were a number of parts in the first paragraph that felt like they were either repetitive or awkwardly worded, so I made suggestions for some tweaks, even if I went out on a bit of a limb for some of them so I can’t vouch for whether or not I’m sticking to the overall vibe you were gunning for.
I mean, I wouldn’t have expected Arian to change his mind about Mitrofan being an enemy just because he loves his nature preserves. It might make more sense to play something along the lines of “even if he’s an enemy, he’s still capable of doing some good” or else some sort of favorable comparison / contrast to Hinnerk.
Bah, no backstory time for King Full Metal Jaguar, I see. Though if it’s meant to be a touchy subject, it might make sense to more explicitly show Lillian or someone else get visibly uncomfortable over things.
Ah yes, just casually doing a mass dig in a nature preserve.
… Unless there’s natural caves or something underneath, which I suppose would be plausible for a karst formation.
Kate: “Welcome to the club, kids. We’ve got loot and cookies.”
Since you know, you all are Outlaws by definition right now, Elvira. It’s just that the party choosing to classify you as such isn’t exactly sympathetic. Though the bit in underlined feels like it’d have more punch focusing on something a bit more specific-sounding. e.x. “the envy of all Selenia and Ardalion’s mercenaries” or something like that.
Just saying, it’s not that hard to get a mole into the ranks of an organization, Ish. Though it might make sense to dwell a bit on some combination of her and Ish’s body language or general reaction here.
Wait, how did these two not see Kamengrad all this time up to this point? Is it on an overlooking bluff or something? Have they been zoning out on the walk up? Since I’m not fully sure how they’re just noticing the town while walking in.
inb4 the only reason why the Irian Guild and this town are still standing is because Mitrofan doesn’t want to destroy the surrounding countryside and he already knows that they’re here anyways. Though that now makes me wonder if his beef with Kliment had something to do with this place at all.
Ah yes, living up to its namesake quite well there. Though I wonder if there’s an analogue to Golosov Ravine somewhere in this area where thar be timey-wimey wibbly-wobbly afoot.
Hrm, I’m wondering if we’re a bit light on details of what this town looks like at the moment. Like is it basically “Noe Town, as a village without the metal towers”? Since I’m having a bit of a hard time wrapping my head around Kamengrad and any major landmarks beyond “there’s stone everywhere”.
I think that you’re missing some sort of transition into focusing on Arian’s perspective before he starts drifting in his thoughts, especially since we just got out of a part where we were leaning pretty heavily on Elvira’s perspective. Also, I think that “Flashbacks” sentence probably should be expanded a bit by at least a couple sentences to give more concrete moments plus Arian having some sort of reaction to it.
Arian: “Axel, I can literally hop, skip, and jump from one end of this village to the other one. It wouldn’t take that long to get to know the merchants.”
Axel: “Trust me, this is more important, and it won’t take long to catch up with them afterwards.” ^v-v^
Arian: “Wait, just how many Pokémon are there in this guild? Since if there’s a lot, wouldn’t it make sense to hide it in a crowded place where your numbers would blend in more? Like in someplace where there’s a lot of transports going around and we could go to some sort of secret platform or something like that.”
Ishmael: “Kid, this isn’t Harry Potter. ‘Quiet and discreet’ is the name of the game for us.” >_>;
Arian: “... Wait, how do you know about Harry Potter when it doesn’t exist in this wor-”
Ishmael: “Non-canon space! Anyhow, just moving right along…”
… Just saying, there’s an alternative explanation for why things are so peaceful and idyllic-seeming right now in spite of the screwed-up politics, Arian.
But let’s think positive and not assume the worst about Kamengrad for now. ^^;
It might make sense to describe the well’s appearance a bit more, especially if it has a subtle cue here or there that it’s a trick well and doesn’t actually have water in it.
Elvira: “... We’re not seriously going to go down this to get to the guild, are we? How on earth is this not a massive safety hazard?!”
Ishmael: “Why are you the one complaining when you can literally cling to walls with your gecko antics?” >_>;
Some bits where it might make sense to drop in some body language or reaction from different characters. Though I’m wondering why we’re getting this description of what the well looks like now and not closer to Elvira’s “... A well?” moment to set the scene.
I suppose that’s one sign that this place never gets meaningfully checked by Mitrofan’s knights, since if Elvira could just immediately notice the ladder down the well from a casual glance, that feels like a major liability waiting to happen as opposed to something like grooves cut into the side of the well to use as a ladder that would be easier to hide, or else in really bad times, to seal up to deny access to intruders.
Which, granted, would kinda hose quadrupeds coming down this thing, but still. Maybe the ladder can collapse to hide into the wall or something like that.
Wait, wait, wait. Just who on earth is this ladder even sized for? Since Arian and Elvira have a very different height than Ish and Lillian do, so it makes me wonder how far apart those rungs are spaced from each other.
Arian: “Would it have really killed you to have just used a bucket as an elevator for this thing?”
Lillian: “Considering how most of the guild’s members wouldn’t have fit in it and what would happen to the poor sod who fell if the rope ever snapped… yes?”
Elvira: “... Also, wait a minute ‘Thank God’? Was it ever established that we only considered Arceus to be a proper god in this setting?”
Arian: “That’s just a humanism in action, don’t sweat it. (Though that now makes me wonder, did I ever say ‘Thank God’ in this story before? Since I don’t remember you ever reacting if I did…)” ^^;
Oh, so Ishmael made funny noises the first time he had to go down the ladder himself, huh? >:V
Axel’s line IMO works better cut up and with some tweaks to deal with the repetition of “this before” in rapid succession.
A couple spots where it probably makes sense to drop in a bit of description for character reactions, especially since I didn’t get the vibe that Axel was this annoyed just from his dialogue.
Axel: “Well hey, if we’re in the business of moving on from uncomfortable discussions about my flightworthiness, I can talk a bit about the first time that Ish came down that ladde-” ^v-v^
Ishmael: “Ax, don’t you dare!”
Yeah, I had a feeling that something like this was going to come into play with how many times the text reiterated they were going into a Karst formation. I actually hadn’t thought much about Kamengrad being mentioned to be around one, but I suppose it was clever foreshadowing of how the Irian Guild was getting by for people who knew their geology.
Arian:
“You two are siblings?! How?!”
Filing that one away for later. Though I suppose that ‘Unkie Boo-Boo’ directed at Connall back in the day might have been quite a bit more literal than I was expecting.
‘Serafina’, huh? I wonder if that name was chosen in mind with deliberate theming, since if so, I suppose I should assume that Rhiannon has a very ‘fiery’ or ‘angel-vibing’ buddy somewhere in the guild.
It might make sense to play up Arian and Elvira’s reaction to this, since they just walked in on family banter with a lot of names that mean a lot of nothing to them right now. Like do they have any initial assumptions of who Serafina and Terran might be in relation to Ish and Rhiannon? If so, it might make sense to bring them up in internal thought process.
This girl is going to get way, way in over her head later on in this story, isn’t she? ^^;
I’m honestly surprised that the Irian guild is getting teens involved in a technically illegal enterprise considering that there’s probably some seriously nasty consequences for getting caught as a merc in Mitrofan’s Selenia, but I suppose most resistance organizations even in real life don’t have the luxury of being super picky about who they accept as recruits.
Okay, not that these names getting thrown around in a vacuum don’t make sense from the perspective of the characters in-setting, but I wonder if meta-wise at least some of them should’ve been hinted at their species/typings a bit more since right now, we’ve gotten three names slung around that beyond maybe etymology hints are essentially floating in a vacuum right now.
Aaaaand you jinxed it, Elvira. Since that’s probably not the phrase you want to be using with regard to the place where it takes just one narc to give it away to your enemies. Since you can’t exactly just have your swanky cave base just up and scurry away if it gets discovered.
Serafina is a dispossessed noble or something like that, isn’t she? Since between the name and the repeated indications that she’s ‘posh’, it kinda gives off that sort of vibe.
Yeah, see the note regarding “names in a vacuum”, though it probably makes sense to take some time to show somebody reacting or else having thoughts with regard to this ongoing conversation.
Something about that first paragraph feels like it has something missing, even if I’m having trouble putting my finger on what exactly it is. Maybe going into Elvira’s thought process a bit more or something like that.
Though I see it’s about time to see who Aldebrand is in this story.
Some sundry suggestions here, though the biggest bone that I have to pick is that it probably makes sense to frontload the detail of Aldebrand’s species and general appearance once the door opens, since its present placement feels a bit strange to me.
Also, I know enough about Germanic names to know that ‘brand’ means fire, though I wonder what the ‘Alde’-
>’old fire/torch/sword’
Well, you can’t say that his name’s not fitting for his species there. I wonder if you consciously named him after that or if it just happened.
Elvira: “Just… don’t go holding your breath on me being able to do the same things he can right away, since Arian and I were still struggling with basic dungeon encounters just a few chapters ago.”
Some sundry suggestions here for reorganizing various paragraphs and highlighting certain spots that seem ripe for expansion.
And this is why you don’t name your guild after specific locations, kiddies. Though hey, at least you’re doing better than “name of a powerful, world-renowned nation” to “name of a 5-man terrorist group” in terms of name downgrade arcs.
Oh, so when the Irian Guild fell, there was an analogue to that scene from Star Wars Episode III when Anakin finally succumbs to the dark side, huh? Since if I remember my chronology right, Mitrofan has been King Full Metal Jaguar for five years, the minimum entrance age in the Irian Guild is still 13 and Ish and Axel didn’t seem that old…
I kinda wonder if the bit in underlined should be stated more specifically. Like I get if there’s story reasons for not wanting to get too deep into Mitrofan’s specific involvement here, but I wonder if something like “Iria fell into chaos and the guild burned down” would be more impactful here.
I mean, it’s only a very frequent motivator for characters to go off the slippery slope and into villainy and from what I’ve heard about him through the grapevine, I’m pretty sure that Mitrofan is one of those characters himself.
Part of me wonders if Lilian’s argument is structurally more of a “middle” argument than Axel’s who gives more of a ‘stop beating around the bush vibe. e.x. if you yoink the ‘they could become real assets to our cause’ and give it to Axel, it wouldn’t be too hard to come up with something like this:
Or something like that. Definitely multiple ways of approaching this if it’s a take you agree with.
Whelp, guess that the Irian Guild’s still a bit more picky about their help than I gave them credit for. Though I wonder how on earth they would enforce provisions against a rogue team since… yeah, they can’t exactly go turning them over to law enforcement as technical Outlaws.
I kinda wonder if this moment would’ve worked better with Aldebrand pointing out the document a bit more explicitly to turn their eyes down at what they’re about to agree to.
Kate: “‘Whoever they are, whatever they are, with whatever they request’, huh? Not that I’m complaining about it, but I think your Creed’s got a few loopholes there, buddy.”
Also, you would probably find it relevant to surround this entire “Mercenary’s Creed” with indent blocks. The format is [ indent ]your_text_to_indent_goes_here[ /indent ] minus spaces. It should also manage newline characters just like quote blocks do.
Thus why Hinnerk went full Mumkhar on the rest of his guildmates, I see. Since… yeah, he was really obviously just in things for the money.
I wonder if that’s meant to be ‘knowingly’ take the life of another, or ‘take the life of another for any reason’? Since if it’s the latter, that makes me wonder if killing a foe on accident is traditionally grounds for expulsion from the Irian Guild, and if so, if that ever got weaponized by more deviously-minded parties.
Ah yes, the “no Timmy, you’re not allowed to take the S-Rank mission, since we don’t want to send you back to your parents in pieces”, clause. Even if I wonder how on earth that’s enforced now when pretty much every mission that’s not in Kamengrad has “imprisonment and/or death” as a potential consequence of failure right now.
Ah, so this is our equivalent of the “Smiles go for miles” part of the Explorers cheer, huh?
That… happens with depressing regularity in this setting, doesn’t it?
I kinda wonder if this moment would benefit from some sort of moment of reaction coming from some combination of Arian and Elvira’s reaction to hearing that teams breaking up over differences
What about Outlaws, though? Since just saying, ‘help me rob this caravan’ is a request that fits the letter of this Mercenary’s Creed if not its intended spirit, and you two are on the same side as each other relative to the present system of law… :^)
I mean, I know that Team Elpis beat Hinnerk and all, but that’s still a really risky assumption to be making there. Though the fact that the normal operations themselves have explicitly been noted to have changed makes me wonder if the Mercenary’s Creed itself has changed since… yeah, the present Irian Guild probably finds itself in situations more often where it has to consider whether or not to steal stuff than it did prior to Mitrofan’s takeover, and I can see those apparent loopholes in the contract that Aldebrand pushed over to the kids. In the Irian Guild’s present state of affairs, that might be a feature and not a bug.
Wait, what problem is this? Since I actually don’t remember Arian having a problem that the story took time to focus on back in that sequence.
I actually went back and sanity-checked Chapter 8 and Arian was actually never explicitly mentioned holding the pencil in that one part of Chapter 8 that this bit alludes to, nor was there any mention that Elvira got stuck with pencil duty specifically because Arian couldn’t figure out how to hold said pencil.
Also, this is why y’all invest in writing pads, kiddos. That way writing isn’t restricted to just Pokémon with opposable thumbs.
Wait, is Arian doing this via Aura now, or…? If the idea is that it’s some unspoken moment between the two, it might make sense to phrase that last paragraph to be less of an “explicit thought” if Arian’s not straight up passing messages through Aura.
We… don’t ever get to see Elvira predict this in her internal thought process. It might make sense to more explicitly drop in her predicting that they’d react like she fell and hit her head or something like that.
Arian: “I… just do? Don’t ask me how that works, it just does. Like these freaky wave things that you guys keep broadcasting somehow.” ^^;
I’m not really feeling Arian’s second part of his dialogue there. It might make sense for him to appeal to certain standout “human” memories that he has such that he has anything to hold onto to ground his “trust me bro” here.
I left a couple suggestions for breaking these paragraphs up in a couple parts, though the underlined feels like a bit of a thematic tangent from the rest of the points that Arian is making before and afterwards. Since he’s talking about how ridiculous his claim sounds, and then “driving away allies and helping enemies attack him”. Maybe if it were reformatted to play up the “screw loose” angle that gets brought up later kinda like:
Or something like that.
IMO, the “guilt” angle from Lilian works better coming up in the description before she speaks up. Especially since Elvira’s line already works as a pretty direct followup to Lillian’s “some sort of proof” point.
A couple more places where it probably makes sense to highlight different characters’ reactions or thought processes a bit more explicitly. Especially since from the dialogue structure, it sounds as if there’s meant to be a pause of some sort before Aldebrand starts speaking again.
Some more spots where it might make sense to slow down and show off some more character reactions and internal thoughts here and there that I noticed. Also, Arian’s line feels like the sort of thing where if this was animated, there’d be a pause before he started speaking up again roughly along the parts as indicated in the split.
Wait, how on earth do quadrupeds like Rhiannon even sign things in this setting anyways given that writing in this setting is very centered around pens and pencils? ^^;
It might make sense to describe the appearance of these badges a bit more than you do at the moment, especially since even within the canonical series, there’s a few different designs depending on which game you’re in.
Wait, this guy’s the cook normally? Just how deprived of talent is the Irian Guild right now if he’s the logical second-in-command right now? .-.
Though you know the drill here for these recommendations.
I wonder if that was a bit about his reputation that predates the Irian Guild’s current state of affairs, since you’d think that they’d have a limited frame of reference when they can only go so far outside of Kamengrad without risking being accosted by knights or other Pokémon in league with Mitrofan. ^^;
Arian: “Wait, wasn’t that what we were doing all this time on our way over to Aldebrand’s office?” ^^;
Ishmael: “What, that sped-up walkthrough? We barely scratched the surface there! Nah, it’s time to give you the real tour of our digs…”
Oh, well. That would potentially explain why the knights wound up casting lots with Mitrofan there, since I smell an interservice rivalry from back in the day.
Sophia: “Stuck up?! Why I never-!” òvó
Ishmael: “Go away, birdie. This isn’t your fic, and authors tend to get touchy about others wandering into their works.” >_>;
I actually wonder if the knights from before Mitrofan are different from the ones after him, since if the knights just straight up went “friendship ended with Kliment, now Mitrofan is our best friend”, that Ish and the other mercs would be a lot more bitter at them at the moment.
Elvira: “I mean, neither Arian or I know anything about this place that we didn’t already see walking up to Aldebrand’s office, so…” ^^;
When I saw ‘Sif’ there, I at first thought of the wolf from Dark Souls so I did a bit of a double-take.
Yeah, they’re totally going to run into this Toxicroak in the span of like 3-5 chapters, aren’t they? Since the very fact that it was posted and explicitly noted by the story…
I’m… not really feeling the underlined bit since it feels like most of it is something that should be more explicitly dealt with in the past tense and brought around to the point of “bigger number means more dangerous Outlaw”. e.x. as a throwaway example:
Or something like that. Food for thought, anyways.
It probably makes sense to describe the exit a bit more such that Arian can mentally go “oh, right, that’s the way out” a bit more explicitly, since this was admittedly a bit of an informed attribute in the version that I read.
I wasn’t really feeling the structure for how Lilian’s introduction of the mess hall + Axel’s introduction of the kitchen was handled. While I’m sure that there’s some ways of handling this in a “backfilled” fashion, it just felt a lot easier and more natural for Team Elpis to come to the new location, see the sights, and then get an explanation from Team Sandstream about what on earth they just walked into.
Ah yes, I see the Irian Guild runs with Audino nurses. Duly noted then.Though does that mean that when Arian gets tough enough, we’ll see him filling in with Heal Pulse?
I mean, unless if we’re going to have an ‘Arian discovers certain foods don’t work with his Riolu body’ episodes, I think that this is going to be a pretty easy answer here. ^^;
Ah yes, I think I see what Raya’s shtick as a character is going to be like. Though that makes me morbidly curious as to what she’s like in that one Paralogue where Arian blunders into the Irian Guild with a stomach bug. ^^;
Arian: “Yeah, remind me to never set foot in that place if I can help it, since I already know that ‘mon would drive me crazy.” >_>;
Arian: “So why on earth did you take us here then?!”
I… wonder if there’s a different nuance that you can give the underlined such that it’s not almost literally repeating Lillian’s earlier point. e.x. something like “Not a lot of Pokémon on the wrong side of the law have the luxury of having someone who cares for their health obsessively.” or “Even if she’s annoying sometimes, Raya’s helped pull back some of our members from moments where we thought they were done for.” or something like that.
Though I suppose that this answers the question of why the guild upon initial introduction was heavily glossed over. I’m of two minds as to this whole introduction sequence, since while it logically is something that Team Sandstream would do for Team Elpis, part of me wonders if unless all these characters are going to be immediately relevant in the coming chapters, if we should’ve gotten a gloss of them and then a deeper dive whenever Team Elpis had to go to one or another amenity for whatever story reason.
I mean, you do know how caves in karst formations are normally formed, right Arian? This shouldn’t exactly be surprising right now.
Huh. Going to get to see another character from around the guild, I see. I was going to ask who we were going to meet from the Mess Hall, but I suppose that was the point of meeting Aldebrand and explicitly noting that he’s normally the cook.
Ah yes, Ishmael just walking the audience through what the less geologically-inclined might not know about how karst formations work. Though IMO it might make sense to have Arian react to Ish’s earlier exposition a bit, especially if he happened to come across a blurb of related geology at all in those books lying around Zenobia’s den back on the outskirts of Ozerograd or something.
Cue the faceplant into the water in 3… 2…
Arian: “Oh yeah, he certainly seems nice. Not.” >_>;
Elvira: “Yeeeeah, I hope that we don’t have to train with him for the first few days. Or ever, really.”
Arian: “(Wait, how on earth are you making my face anyways right now, Elvira?)”
Would recommend expanding this sequence a bit with some note of Team Elpis’ reaction to their less-than-hospitable welcome from Galen.
That actually makes me wonder what Galen thinks of the rest of Team Sandstream and if he has a ‘Ishmael’ problem, or if it carries over to the rest of Ish’s teammates.
Whelp, time to see how comfy and cozy they all managed to make these caves. I mean, from Explorers, it shouldn’t be impossible to pull it off, but…
IMO, it might make sense to give more of an indication of how Ish is pointing stuff out. Even if it’s as simple as noting as “he pointed out a door, continuing on as he carried down the hall.” or something like that.
Ah yes, the priss who’s probably a disgraced noblewoman, what could possibly go wrong? >:V
“Green tyke”, huh? Wonder if he’s a Grassmon or an Electrike or something else entirely?
Well, that answers what Terran is. Even if I suppose I should’ve seen this coming with the ‘earth’-themed name.
… Wait a minute, Elvira does? How? .-.
Though you probably want to more explicitly note her having a moment of recognition or something like them.
Is ‘shoddy’ deliberate there? Or did you mean ‘shady’? My initial assumption was that it was ‘shady’ given the ‘pulling fast ones on the newbies’ part of the line right afterwards, but…
Elvira: “Um, Ishmael, that might have been a bit uncalled for-” ._.;
I originally read ‘spoiled it’ without the ‘p’ and then had a dumb Spongebob meme stuck in my head briefly.
Arian: “These two… do this a lot, don’t they?”
Lilian: “Oh trust me, you have no idea...”
I… did not realize that Ish and Terran were getting mad enough at each other to be on the verge of fighting. It might have made sense to more explicitly describe them getting closer and more and more agitated, along with some potential commentary from onlookers or something, especially if Elvira genuinely knows Terran from the past somehow, since you’d think that she’d be more taken aback at how he and Ish are all but coming to blows like this.
Some more spots where it probably makes sense to drop in some more description. Especially for showing off how Arian and Elvira are processing what on earth just went down here.
Oh, so she and Terran did meet each other in the past. Duly noted.
There’s more of a story behind these two, isn’t there? Though it might make sense to take a close look at Terran’s dialogue since it read an awful lot like a bunch of short lines with pauses in between that were jammed together.
… Or maybe that dialogue structure was a feature and not a bug, even if I’m a bit hard-pressed on what to suggest to emphasize Terran’s “bluntness” here.
Yeah, this is why I kept harping on about how it’d have been nice to elaborate more on Arian / Elvira’s reactions a bit more during the whole encounter with Terran, since up to this point, I didn’t get the idea at all that Elvira was being made uncomfortable by Terran.
Oh yeah, this is totally healthy and not a recipe for problems down the line at all! /s
I actually wonder, but how does this compare to Elvira’s home with Zenobia anyways? Since if it’s noticeably rougher around the edges, you’d think that one or the other would note the difference.
Wait, where was it described that Axel and Lilian ever followed Arian and Elvira up to / into their room.
A couple spots where it probably makes sense to drop in some spots showing the characters stopping and lingering in their thoughts / soaking in their “this is really happening” feelings a bit more.
Huh. Wasn’t expecting the merchants to be a big enough deal to merit their own scene, but I suppose Team Sandstream did promise Team Elpis they’d take them to see the merchants when they were done.
I… kinda think that the whole scene setting about “Ish blew off some steam, rejoined the gang after the whole episode with Terran, and then everybody went back up the well and onto the surface” works quite a bit better if it’s handled in an introductory paragraph that also can be used to establish stuff like how much time has gone by since the scene cut and stuff like that.
Ah yes, the setting’s “Anna clones” that I’d heard so much about. I was going to ask why we didn’t see them around Ozerograd, but I suppose that having to constantly beat the snot out of Thorned Roses trying to steal their wares thinking that they were just another set of bulliable merchants probably got old.
But do the two get into inheritance disputes where one’s trying to scam the other out of his birthright? /s
Axel knows this tip from personal experience, doesn’t he? >:V
Ah yes, I see that in Ardalion, the Kecleon are also second-to-none for their theft recovery abilities.
Jacob: “Oh, I can answer that one for you, Treecko:”
Arian: “(Are we sure that we even want to buy anything from these guys?!)”
Arian: “Look, isn’t there anyone else we can buy this stuff from-?”
Esau: “Nope! Good luck finding any other outfit in Ardalion that can compete with our selection of wares!” ^^;
Elvira: “Look, we just need to not steal from them. That can’t be that hard, right?” ^^;
I smell a horror-themed Paralogue from you at some point in the future. Especially if the dreaded Itemizer Orb is around in this setting and does exactly what it says on the tin from official fluff text.
It might have made sense to give a bit more reminder as to the context surrounding this, since I actually initially completely forgot about Ozerograd’s Klefki Bank until I did a text search and remembered that that was where Elvira deposited that one check like 5 chapters ago.
Ah yes, time to get that Oran Berry or whatever they put in the statue back in live-time.
I actually don’t remember if Kangaskhan Storage was this congenial back in the official games, but it certainly feels fitting for a place where the patrons feel close enough to straight-up call the proprietor ‘Auntie’.
Arian: “Wait, huh? But you just called her ‘Auntie’ and-!” .-.
Axel: “Hey, it’s a canon series constant, probably due to a cultural artifact of it being made in Japan like that one ‘Wobbuffet’ joke that only works in the Japanese script. But a series constant anyways, so good enough!” ^v-v^
So does she also have premonitions of disaster that go unheeded by everybody else? ^^;
IMO, Arian’s “finding the word [...]” bit works better being pulled forward in some description paragraph prior to his dialogue since something about the dialogue feels like he’s doing that after making a decision about “well, that’s weird, but whatever, I’ll roll with it”.
inb4 it’s a Natu that hides in the back and does teleportation runs or something like that. Though it probably makes more sense to more explicitly describe Arian taking the berry from Kassandra and his
reaction trying to wrap his head around how on earth any of this is all possible.
Another spot where it might make sense to expand things with a spot of description, especially some focusing on Lillian’s reaction to the whole encounter.
It’s going to be the Cofagrigus expy, isn’t it? Since that reaction feels very ‘Cofagrigus’ right about now. >:V
Julius’ appraisal shop isn’t described at all up to this point. It might make sense to drop one in, especially if there’s something about the shop that is obviously ‘off’ such that it draws such a different reaction from Team Sandstream relative to the others which they were generally excited to visit.
Elvira:
Lillian: “(Yeah, he’s just kinda like that. You get used to it. Mostly.)”
Whelp, I think that I found the member of Team Sandstream who would be the fan of horror movies given that Julius going full Smeagol over his chests doesn’t move the needle with him.
Wait, how big is Kamengrad relative to Ozerograd and Old Ozerograd anyways? Since some sort of relative comparison between the two would help a lot for getting a feel for just how small or not Kamengrad is, since it’s apparently still big enough to have side streets.
Ah yes, this is how we’re still going to be able to stay in touch with Zenobia, I see. I just hope that these guys don’t get their mail snooped on by Mitrofan and his lackeys.
I mean, I suppose that the very fact that Team Sandstream is showing them this place is a sign that it’s at least perceived as being a safe and trustworthy agent for passing messages on to other people even when not on the right side of the law. Though that makes me wonder if they’re inadvertently used to help coordinate activities by Outlaws or the likes in this setting.
Why am I getting the feeling that this punting on writing Caitríona and Connall isn’t going to age well? Like it’s understandable, but Lillian sure seems to be able to take the existence of “tomorrow” for granted in a way that I wouldn’t have necessarily have expected from a character with as precarious of a way of life as hers.
Okay, so I understand the rationale for not wanting to drag things out, but I do wonder if this whole “those who know, know and react accordingly” thing going on in town would’ve been more effective showing it from a couple interactions with randoms on the street pulling a “Hey Lillian, how are you doing? And who are the kids?” or something like that such that we can see this dynamic, and then during the return to town, get to see Team Elpis’ turn getting to share in with it. Since there was something about the initial trip through town that I thought felt “missing”, and little interactions like the ones glossed over here would’ve gone a long way to filling that void.
Well, I’m not fully sold on that just yet, but Kamengrad certainly did a good job putting up a positive first impression.
Whew, that was a pretty chunky read, and as you can gather, I had a lot to say up to this point. Enough so that making a condensed take at the end was more or less mandatory to keep things relatively digestible, so let’s just start going into the highlight reel:
Okay, so this chapter was really obviously a “Hello World” for what’s going to be Team Elpis’ home away from home for at least the next arc or so here in Selenia, the hidden newBatcave digs that the Irian Guild moved into once their old place in the Selenian Capital went up in smoke, and the cute little town above it. While I had some quibbles about usage of description here and there, the overall vibe of the guild and Kamengrad both came through quite well as this quiet little haven where everyone can retreat to from a world that’s full of problems that only seem to be growing by the day and try to figure out how to start turning the ship around. I don’t know if it was deliberate or not, but whole karst formation bit was also some clever foreshadowing regarding what to expect for what the Irian Guild’s digs would be like. I hope that there will be other moments like that in this story.
I also liked the characterization that we got to see on display, even if they were primarily concentrated among Rhiannon, Aldebrand, and Terran with some of the other characters brought up not managing to make as much of a splash past an initial impression, but the story just needed them to get their foot in the door to see them around the guild more, and to its credit, they all did it well enough to get me wanting to see more of them.
As for the flaws… there’s a bit of a laundry list of recurring things that you’ve probably noticed from the full writeup, but in the interest of not sounding like a broken record, I’ll focus specifically on the issues that stood out most to me. I felt that the chapter needed more description in general, but especially in the context for setting what different character vibes are. Like it was especially noticeable in the in the moment where the gang meets Terran, where I didn’t pick up on his banter with Ish getting particularly heated, or how Terran wound up being inadvertently hurtful to Elvira until the story just straight-up said those after the fact. Having more description would’ve allowed for those dynamics to feel more “shown” and less “told”.
As for more structural issues, but part of me is ambivalent about the whole guild complex walkthrough. Like on the one hand, the tour makes sense and is in character, but on the other, with like four separate characters getting brief hi-byes, I wonder if it’d have been a more economical use of wordcount and those encounters would’ve made more of an impression on the readers if they got introduced whenever their presence was more directly required by the plot (e.x. plot calls for Team Elpis to go to Galen’s Dojo and they get a full scene dealing with his grumpiness and issues with Ish). Dunno, maybe I’m overthinking things.
Though on the subject of length, this chapter reads long for some reason, and it presumably would be noticeably longer than 10k words if more description were patched into it. If you do go back to touch this chapter up and throw in some additive editing, I would suggest at least considering dividing it up at the end of the scene where Team Elpis formally signs up to join the guild, since each is approximately 5000 words in their present state and could easily become 7000-8000 words apiece with only modest building off of the base that already exists. The two halves there also represent fairly complete chunks of story: the “first half” in that split covers Team Elpis’ arrival into Kamengrad and them formally joining the Irian Guild with Arian’s human-ness coming out, the “second half” gets Team Elpis used to the Guild they’re going to be calling home, the town above, and essentially is a chance to let them grapple with feelings over “this is really happening” while giving them a concrete glimpse of “this is what you’re fighting for”.
I know that it’s become a running trend for me to have a wall of criticisms every time I review one of this story’s chapters, but I dunno, there’s just genuinely something about it that keeps me coming back. Like sure there’s a lot of things that I have nitpicks about, but the characters are endearing, the world feels fun and alive with glimpses of a really rich history and lore, and the stuff that I’ve heard that’s still a ways off from where I am right now genuinely sounds interesting, so here I am for the ride.
Hope the feedback’s helpful, @Arukona , even if I honestly wouldn’t begrudge you for choosing the “lol, I’m not editing all that, I’ve got new chapters to push out” route for handling these earlier ones. Whatever you choose, I’ll be looking forward to seeing where your story goes from here, and hopefully at least once more before Review Event lets out later next month.
So let’s jump right into things where the gang rolls into a really rocky little town:
Chapter 11
I mean, you all were headed to a town with a name that more or less means “Stoneville”, so…
I wasn’t really feeling the passive voice beginning to the third paragraph, so I left some suggestions for how to potentially retool it into something a bit more active.
No, no, that’s the most believable thing in the world if you know Aggron ‘dex fluff, Arian. Though there were a number of parts in the first paragraph that felt like they were either repetitive or awkwardly worded, so I made suggestions for some tweaks, even if I went out on a bit of a limb for some of them so I can’t vouch for whether or not I’m sticking to the overall vibe you were gunning for.
I mean, I wouldn’t have expected Arian to change his mind about Mitrofan being an enemy just because he loves his nature preserves. It might make more sense to play something along the lines of “even if he’s an enemy, he’s still capable of doing some good” or else some sort of favorable comparison / contrast to Hinnerk.
Bah, no backstory time for King Full Metal Jaguar, I see. Though if it’s meant to be a touchy subject, it might make sense to more explicitly show Lillian or someone else get visibly uncomfortable over things.
Ah yes, just casually doing a mass dig in a nature preserve.
… Unless there’s natural caves or something underneath, which I suppose would be plausible for a karst formation.
Kate: “Welcome to the club, kids. We’ve got loot and cookies.”
Since you know, you all are Outlaws by definition right now, Elvira. It’s just that the party choosing to classify you as such isn’t exactly sympathetic. Though the bit in underlined feels like it’d have more punch focusing on something a bit more specific-sounding. e.x. “the envy of all Selenia and Ardalion’s mercenaries” or something like that.
Just saying, it’s not that hard to get a mole into the ranks of an organization, Ish. Though it might make sense to dwell a bit on some combination of her and Ish’s body language or general reaction here.
Wait, how did these two not see Kamengrad all this time up to this point? Is it on an overlooking bluff or something? Have they been zoning out on the walk up? Since I’m not fully sure how they’re just noticing the town while walking in.
inb4 the only reason why the Irian Guild and this town are still standing is because Mitrofan doesn’t want to destroy the surrounding countryside and he already knows that they’re here anyways. Though that now makes me wonder if his beef with Kliment had something to do with this place at all.
Ah yes, living up to its namesake quite well there. Though I wonder if there’s an analogue to Golosov Ravine somewhere in this area where thar be timey-wimey wibbly-wobbly afoot.
Hrm, I’m wondering if we’re a bit light on details of what this town looks like at the moment. Like is it basically “Noe Town, as a village without the metal towers”? Since I’m having a bit of a hard time wrapping my head around Kamengrad and any major landmarks beyond “there’s stone everywhere”.
I think that you’re missing some sort of transition into focusing on Arian’s perspective before he starts drifting in his thoughts, especially since we just got out of a part where we were leaning pretty heavily on Elvira’s perspective. Also, I think that “Flashbacks” sentence probably should be expanded a bit by at least a couple sentences to give more concrete moments plus Arian having some sort of reaction to it.
Arian: “Axel, I can literally hop, skip, and jump from one end of this village to the other one. It wouldn’t take that long to get to know the merchants.”
Axel: “Trust me, this is more important, and it won’t take long to catch up with them afterwards.” ^v-v^
Arian: “Wait, just how many Pokémon are there in this guild? Since if there’s a lot, wouldn’t it make sense to hide it in a crowded place where your numbers would blend in more? Like in someplace where there’s a lot of transports going around and we could go to some sort of secret platform or something like that.”
Ishmael: “Kid, this isn’t Harry Potter. ‘Quiet and discreet’ is the name of the game for us.” >_>;
Arian: “... Wait, how do you know about Harry Potter when it doesn’t exist in this wor-”
Ishmael: “Non-canon space! Anyhow, just moving right along…”
… Just saying, there’s an alternative explanation for why things are so peaceful and idyllic-seeming right now in spite of the screwed-up politics, Arian.
But let’s think positive and not assume the worst about Kamengrad for now. ^^;
It might make sense to describe the well’s appearance a bit more, especially if it has a subtle cue here or there that it’s a trick well and doesn’t actually have water in it.
Elvira: “... We’re not seriously going to go down this to get to the guild, are we? How on earth is this not a massive safety hazard?!”
Ishmael: “Why are you the one complaining when you can literally cling to walls with your gecko antics?” >_>;
Some bits where it might make sense to drop in some body language or reaction from different characters. Though I’m wondering why we’re getting this description of what the well looks like now and not closer to Elvira’s “... A well?” moment to set the scene.
I suppose that’s one sign that this place never gets meaningfully checked by Mitrofan’s knights, since if Elvira could just immediately notice the ladder down the well from a casual glance, that feels like a major liability waiting to happen as opposed to something like grooves cut into the side of the well to use as a ladder that would be easier to hide, or else in really bad times, to seal up to deny access to intruders.
Which, granted, would kinda hose quadrupeds coming down this thing, but still. Maybe the ladder can collapse to hide into the wall or something like that.
Wait, wait, wait. Just who on earth is this ladder even sized for? Since Arian and Elvira have a very different height than Ish and Lillian do, so it makes me wonder how far apart those rungs are spaced from each other.
Arian: “Would it have really killed you to have just used a bucket as an elevator for this thing?”
Lillian: “Considering how most of the guild’s members wouldn’t have fit in it and what would happen to the poor sod who fell if the rope ever snapped… yes?”
Elvira: “... Also, wait a minute ‘Thank God’? Was it ever established that we only considered Arceus to be a proper god in this setting?”
Arian: “That’s just a humanism in action, don’t sweat it. (Though that now makes me wonder, did I ever say ‘Thank God’ in this story before? Since I don’t remember you ever reacting if I did…)” ^^;
Oh, so Ishmael made funny noises the first time he had to go down the ladder himself, huh? >:V
Axel’s line IMO works better cut up and with some tweaks to deal with the repetition of “this before” in rapid succession.
A couple spots where it probably makes sense to drop in a bit of description for character reactions, especially since I didn’t get the vibe that Axel was this annoyed just from his dialogue.
Axel: “Well hey, if we’re in the business of moving on from uncomfortable discussions about my flightworthiness, I can talk a bit about the first time that Ish came down that ladde-” ^v-v^
Ishmael: “Ax, don’t you dare!”
Yeah, I had a feeling that something like this was going to come into play with how many times the text reiterated they were going into a Karst formation. I actually hadn’t thought much about Kamengrad being mentioned to be around one, but I suppose it was clever foreshadowing of how the Irian Guild was getting by for people who knew their geology.
Arian:
“You two are siblings?! How?!”
Filing that one away for later. Though I suppose that ‘Unkie Boo-Boo’ directed at Connall back in the day might have been quite a bit more literal than I was expecting.
‘Serafina’, huh? I wonder if that name was chosen in mind with deliberate theming, since if so, I suppose I should assume that Rhiannon has a very ‘fiery’ or ‘angel-vibing’ buddy somewhere in the guild.
It might make sense to play up Arian and Elvira’s reaction to this, since they just walked in on family banter with a lot of names that mean a lot of nothing to them right now. Like do they have any initial assumptions of who Serafina and Terran might be in relation to Ish and Rhiannon? If so, it might make sense to bring them up in internal thought process.
This girl is going to get way, way in over her head later on in this story, isn’t she? ^^;
I’m honestly surprised that the Irian guild is getting teens involved in a technically illegal enterprise considering that there’s probably some seriously nasty consequences for getting caught as a merc in Mitrofan’s Selenia, but I suppose most resistance organizations even in real life don’t have the luxury of being super picky about who they accept as recruits.
Okay, not that these names getting thrown around in a vacuum don’t make sense from the perspective of the characters in-setting, but I wonder if meta-wise at least some of them should’ve been hinted at their species/typings a bit more since right now, we’ve gotten three names slung around that beyond maybe etymology hints are essentially floating in a vacuum right now.
Aaaaand you jinxed it, Elvira. Since that’s probably not the phrase you want to be using with regard to the place where it takes just one narc to give it away to your enemies. Since you can’t exactly just have your swanky cave base just up and scurry away if it gets discovered.
Serafina is a dispossessed noble or something like that, isn’t she? Since between the name and the repeated indications that she’s ‘posh’, it kinda gives off that sort of vibe.
Yeah, see the note regarding “names in a vacuum”, though it probably makes sense to take some time to show somebody reacting or else having thoughts with regard to this ongoing conversation.
Something about that first paragraph feels like it has something missing, even if I’m having trouble putting my finger on what exactly it is. Maybe going into Elvira’s thought process a bit more or something like that.
Though I see it’s about time to see who Aldebrand is in this story.
Some sundry suggestions here, though the biggest bone that I have to pick is that it probably makes sense to frontload the detail of Aldebrand’s species and general appearance once the door opens, since its present placement feels a bit strange to me.
Also, I know enough about Germanic names to know that ‘brand’ means fire, though I wonder what the ‘Alde’-
>’old fire/torch/sword’
Well, you can’t say that his name’s not fitting for his species there. I wonder if you consciously named him after that or if it just happened.
Elvira: “Just… don’t go holding your breath on me being able to do the same things he can right away, since Arian and I were still struggling with basic dungeon encounters just a few chapters ago.”
Some sundry suggestions here for reorganizing various paragraphs and highlighting certain spots that seem ripe for expansion.
And this is why you don’t name your guild after specific locations, kiddies. Though hey, at least you’re doing better than “name of a powerful, world-renowned nation” to “name of a 5-man terrorist group” in terms of name downgrade arcs.
Oh, so when the Irian Guild fell, there was an analogue to that scene from Star Wars Episode III when Anakin finally succumbs to the dark side, huh? Since if I remember my chronology right, Mitrofan has been King Full Metal Jaguar for five years, the minimum entrance age in the Irian Guild is still 13 and Ish and Axel didn’t seem that old…
I kinda wonder if the bit in underlined should be stated more specifically. Like I get if there’s story reasons for not wanting to get too deep into Mitrofan’s specific involvement here, but I wonder if something like “Iria fell into chaos and the guild burned down” would be more impactful here.
I mean, it’s only a very frequent motivator for characters to go off the slippery slope and into villainy and from what I’ve heard about him through the grapevine, I’m pretty sure that Mitrofan is one of those characters himself.
Part of me wonders if Lilian’s argument is structurally more of a “middle” argument than Axel’s who gives more of a ‘stop beating around the bush vibe. e.x. if you yoink the ‘they could become real assets to our cause’ and give it to Axel, it wouldn’t be too hard to come up with something like this:
Or something like that. Definitely multiple ways of approaching this if it’s a take you agree with.
Whelp, guess that the Irian Guild’s still a bit more picky about their help than I gave them credit for. Though I wonder how on earth they would enforce provisions against a rogue team since… yeah, they can’t exactly go turning them over to law enforcement as technical Outlaws.
I kinda wonder if this moment would’ve worked better with Aldebrand pointing out the document a bit more explicitly to turn their eyes down at what they’re about to agree to.
Kate: “‘Whoever they are, whatever they are, with whatever they request’, huh? Not that I’m complaining about it, but I think your Creed’s got a few loopholes there, buddy.”
Also, you would probably find it relevant to surround this entire “Mercenary’s Creed” with indent blocks. The format is [ indent ]your_text_to_indent_goes_here[ /indent ] minus spaces. It should also manage newline characters just like quote blocks do.
Thus why Hinnerk went full Mumkhar on the rest of his guildmates, I see. Since… yeah, he was really obviously just in things for the money.
I wonder if that’s meant to be ‘knowingly’ take the life of another, or ‘take the life of another for any reason’? Since if it’s the latter, that makes me wonder if killing a foe on accident is traditionally grounds for expulsion from the Irian Guild, and if so, if that ever got weaponized by more deviously-minded parties.
Ah yes, the “no Timmy, you’re not allowed to take the S-Rank mission, since we don’t want to send you back to your parents in pieces”, clause. Even if I wonder how on earth that’s enforced now when pretty much every mission that’s not in Kamengrad has “imprisonment and/or death” as a potential consequence of failure right now.
Ah, so this is our equivalent of the “Smiles go for miles” part of the Explorers cheer, huh?
That… happens with depressing regularity in this setting, doesn’t it?
I kinda wonder if this moment would benefit from some sort of moment of reaction coming from some combination of Arian and Elvira’s reaction to hearing that teams breaking up over differences
What about Outlaws, though? Since just saying, ‘help me rob this caravan’ is a request that fits the letter of this Mercenary’s Creed if not its intended spirit, and you two are on the same side as each other relative to the present system of law… :^)
I mean, I know that Team Elpis beat Hinnerk and all, but that’s still a really risky assumption to be making there. Though the fact that the normal operations themselves have explicitly been noted to have changed makes me wonder if the Mercenary’s Creed itself has changed since… yeah, the present Irian Guild probably finds itself in situations more often where it has to consider whether or not to steal stuff than it did prior to Mitrofan’s takeover, and I can see those apparent loopholes in the contract that Aldebrand pushed over to the kids. In the Irian Guild’s present state of affairs, that might be a feature and not a bug.
Wait, what problem is this? Since I actually don’t remember Arian having a problem that the story took time to focus on back in that sequence.
I actually went back and sanity-checked Chapter 8 and Arian was actually never explicitly mentioned holding the pencil in that one part of Chapter 8 that this bit alludes to, nor was there any mention that Elvira got stuck with pencil duty specifically because Arian couldn’t figure out how to hold said pencil.
Also, this is why y’all invest in writing pads, kiddos. That way writing isn’t restricted to just Pokémon with opposable thumbs.
Wait, is Arian doing this via Aura now, or…? If the idea is that it’s some unspoken moment between the two, it might make sense to phrase that last paragraph to be less of an “explicit thought” if Arian’s not straight up passing messages through Aura.
We… don’t ever get to see Elvira predict this in her internal thought process. It might make sense to more explicitly drop in her predicting that they’d react like she fell and hit her head or something like that.
Arian: “I… just do? Don’t ask me how that works, it just does. Like these freaky wave things that you guys keep broadcasting somehow.” ^^;
I’m not really feeling Arian’s second part of his dialogue there. It might make sense for him to appeal to certain standout “human” memories that he has such that he has anything to hold onto to ground his “trust me bro” here.
I left a couple suggestions for breaking these paragraphs up in a couple parts, though the underlined feels like a bit of a thematic tangent from the rest of the points that Arian is making before and afterwards. Since he’s talking about how ridiculous his claim sounds, and then “driving away allies and helping enemies attack him”. Maybe if it were reformatted to play up the “screw loose” angle that gets brought up later kinda like:
Or something like that.
IMO, the “guilt” angle from Lilian works better coming up in the description before she speaks up. Especially since Elvira’s line already works as a pretty direct followup to Lillian’s “some sort of proof” point.
A couple more places where it probably makes sense to highlight different characters’ reactions or thought processes a bit more explicitly. Especially since from the dialogue structure, it sounds as if there’s meant to be a pause of some sort before Aldebrand starts speaking again.
Some more spots where it might make sense to slow down and show off some more character reactions and internal thoughts here and there that I noticed. Also, Arian’s line feels like the sort of thing where if this was animated, there’d be a pause before he started speaking up again roughly along the parts as indicated in the split.
Wait, how on earth do quadrupeds like Rhiannon even sign things in this setting anyways given that writing in this setting is very centered around pens and pencils? ^^;
It might make sense to describe the appearance of these badges a bit more than you do at the moment, especially since even within the canonical series, there’s a few different designs depending on which game you’re in.
Wait, this guy’s the cook normally? Just how deprived of talent is the Irian Guild right now if he’s the logical second-in-command right now? .-.
Though you know the drill here for these recommendations.
I wonder if that was a bit about his reputation that predates the Irian Guild’s current state of affairs, since you’d think that they’d have a limited frame of reference when they can only go so far outside of Kamengrad without risking being accosted by knights or other Pokémon in league with Mitrofan. ^^;
Arian: “Wait, wasn’t that what we were doing all this time on our way over to Aldebrand’s office?” ^^;
Ishmael: “What, that sped-up walkthrough? We barely scratched the surface there! Nah, it’s time to give you the real tour of our digs…”
Oh, well. That would potentially explain why the knights wound up casting lots with Mitrofan there, since I smell an interservice rivalry from back in the day.
Sophia: “Stuck up?! Why I never-!” òvó
Ishmael: “Go away, birdie. This isn’t your fic, and authors tend to get touchy about others wandering into their works.” >_>;
I actually wonder if the knights from before Mitrofan are different from the ones after him, since if the knights just straight up went “friendship ended with Kliment, now Mitrofan is our best friend”, that Ish and the other mercs would be a lot more bitter at them at the moment.
Elvira: “I mean, neither Arian or I know anything about this place that we didn’t already see walking up to Aldebrand’s office, so…” ^^;
When I saw ‘Sif’ there, I at first thought of the wolf from Dark Souls so I did a bit of a double-take.
Yeah, they’re totally going to run into this Toxicroak in the span of like 3-5 chapters, aren’t they? Since the very fact that it was posted and explicitly noted by the story…
I’m… not really feeling the underlined bit since it feels like most of it is something that should be more explicitly dealt with in the past tense and brought around to the point of “bigger number means more dangerous Outlaw”. e.x. as a throwaway example:
Or something like that. Food for thought, anyways.
It probably makes sense to describe the exit a bit more such that Arian can mentally go “oh, right, that’s the way out” a bit more explicitly, since this was admittedly a bit of an informed attribute in the version that I read.
I wasn’t really feeling the structure for how Lilian’s introduction of the mess hall + Axel’s introduction of the kitchen was handled. While I’m sure that there’s some ways of handling this in a “backfilled” fashion, it just felt a lot easier and more natural for Team Elpis to come to the new location, see the sights, and then get an explanation from Team Sandstream about what on earth they just walked into.
Ah yes, I see the Irian Guild runs with Audino nurses. Duly noted then.
I mean, unless if we’re going to have an ‘Arian discovers certain foods don’t work with his Riolu body’ episodes, I think that this is going to be a pretty easy answer here. ^^;
Ah yes, I think I see what Raya’s shtick as a character is going to be like. Though that makes me morbidly curious as to what she’s like in that one Paralogue where Arian blunders into the Irian Guild with a stomach bug. ^^;
Arian: “Yeah, remind me to never set foot in that place if I can help it, since I already know that ‘mon would drive me crazy.” >_>;
Arian: “So why on earth did you take us here then?!”
I… wonder if there’s a different nuance that you can give the underlined such that it’s not almost literally repeating Lillian’s earlier point. e.x. something like “Not a lot of Pokémon on the wrong side of the law have the luxury of having someone who cares for their health obsessively.” or “Even if she’s annoying sometimes, Raya’s helped pull back some of our members from moments where we thought they were done for.” or something like that.
Though I suppose that this answers the question of why the guild upon initial introduction was heavily glossed over. I’m of two minds as to this whole introduction sequence, since while it logically is something that Team Sandstream would do for Team Elpis, part of me wonders if unless all these characters are going to be immediately relevant in the coming chapters, if we should’ve gotten a gloss of them and then a deeper dive whenever Team Elpis had to go to one or another amenity for whatever story reason.
I mean, you do know how caves in karst formations are normally formed, right Arian? This shouldn’t exactly be surprising right now.
Huh. Going to get to see another character from around the guild, I see. I was going to ask who we were going to meet from the Mess Hall, but I suppose that was the point of meeting Aldebrand and explicitly noting that he’s normally the cook.
Ah yes, Ishmael just walking the audience through what the less geologically-inclined might not know about how karst formations work. Though IMO it might make sense to have Arian react to Ish’s earlier exposition a bit, especially if he happened to come across a blurb of related geology at all in those books lying around Zenobia’s den back on the outskirts of Ozerograd or something.
Cue the faceplant into the water in 3… 2…
Arian: “Oh yeah, he certainly seems nice. Not.” >_>;
Elvira: “Yeeeeah, I hope that we don’t have to train with him for the first few days. Or ever, really.”
Arian: “(Wait, how on earth are you making my face anyways right now, Elvira?)”
Would recommend expanding this sequence a bit with some note of Team Elpis’ reaction to their less-than-hospitable welcome from Galen.
That actually makes me wonder what Galen thinks of the rest of Team Sandstream and if he has a ‘Ishmael’ problem, or if it carries over to the rest of Ish’s teammates.
Whelp, time to see how comfy and cozy they all managed to make these caves. I mean, from Explorers, it shouldn’t be impossible to pull it off, but…
IMO, it might make sense to give more of an indication of how Ish is pointing stuff out. Even if it’s as simple as noting as “he pointed out a door, continuing on as he carried down the hall.” or something like that.
Ah yes, the priss who’s probably a disgraced noblewoman, what could possibly go wrong? >:V
“Green tyke”, huh? Wonder if he’s a Grassmon or an Electrike or something else entirely?
Well, that answers what Terran is. Even if I suppose I should’ve seen this coming with the ‘earth’-themed name.
… Wait a minute, Elvira does? How? .-.
Though you probably want to more explicitly note her having a moment of recognition or something like them.
Is ‘shoddy’ deliberate there? Or did you mean ‘shady’? My initial assumption was that it was ‘shady’ given the ‘pulling fast ones on the newbies’ part of the line right afterwards, but…
Elvira: “Um, Ishmael, that might have been a bit uncalled for-” ._.;
I originally read ‘spoiled it’ without the ‘p’ and then had a dumb Spongebob meme stuck in my head briefly.
Arian: “These two… do this a lot, don’t they?”
Lilian: “Oh trust me, you have no idea...”
I… did not realize that Ish and Terran were getting mad enough at each other to be on the verge of fighting. It might have made sense to more explicitly describe them getting closer and more and more agitated, along with some potential commentary from onlookers or something, especially if Elvira genuinely knows Terran from the past somehow, since you’d think that she’d be more taken aback at how he and Ish are all but coming to blows like this.
Some more spots where it probably makes sense to drop in some more description. Especially for showing off how Arian and Elvira are processing what on earth just went down here.
Oh, so she and Terran did meet each other in the past. Duly noted.
There’s more of a story behind these two, isn’t there? Though it might make sense to take a close look at Terran’s dialogue since it read an awful lot like a bunch of short lines with pauses in between that were jammed together.
… Or maybe that dialogue structure was a feature and not a bug, even if I’m a bit hard-pressed on what to suggest to emphasize Terran’s “bluntness” here.
Yeah, this is why I kept harping on about how it’d have been nice to elaborate more on Arian / Elvira’s reactions a bit more during the whole encounter with Terran, since up to this point, I didn’t get the idea at all that Elvira was being made uncomfortable by Terran.
Oh yeah, this is totally healthy and not a recipe for problems down the line at all! /s
I actually wonder, but how does this compare to Elvira’s home with Zenobia anyways? Since if it’s noticeably rougher around the edges, you’d think that one or the other would note the difference.
Wait, where was it described that Axel and Lilian ever followed Arian and Elvira up to / into their room.
A couple spots where it probably makes sense to drop in some spots showing the characters stopping and lingering in their thoughts / soaking in their “this is really happening” feelings a bit more.
Huh. Wasn’t expecting the merchants to be a big enough deal to merit their own scene, but I suppose Team Sandstream did promise Team Elpis they’d take them to see the merchants when they were done.
I… kinda think that the whole scene setting about “Ish blew off some steam, rejoined the gang after the whole episode with Terran, and then everybody went back up the well and onto the surface” works quite a bit better if it’s handled in an introductory paragraph that also can be used to establish stuff like how much time has gone by since the scene cut and stuff like that.
Ah yes, the setting’s “Anna clones” that I’d heard so much about. I was going to ask why we didn’t see them around Ozerograd, but I suppose that having to constantly beat the snot out of Thorned Roses trying to steal their wares thinking that they were just another set of bulliable merchants probably got old.
Axel knows this tip from personal experience, doesn’t he? >:V
Ah yes, I see that in Ardalion, the Kecleon are also second-to-none for their theft recovery abilities.
Jacob: “Oh, I can answer that one for you, Treecko:”
Arian: “(Are we sure that we even want to buy anything from these guys?!)”
Arian: “Look, isn’t there anyone else we can buy this stuff from-?”
Esau: “Nope! Good luck finding any other outfit in Ardalion that can compete with our selection of wares!” ^^;
Elvira: “Look, we just need to not steal from them. That can’t be that hard, right?” ^^;
I smell a horror-themed Paralogue from you at some point in the future. Especially if the dreaded Itemizer Orb is around in this setting and does exactly what it says on the tin from official fluff text.
It might have made sense to give a bit more reminder as to the context surrounding this, since I actually initially completely forgot about Ozerograd’s Klefki Bank until I did a text search and remembered that that was where Elvira deposited that one check like 5 chapters ago.
Ah yes, time to get that Oran Berry or whatever they put in the statue back in live-time.
I actually don’t remember if Kangaskhan Storage was this congenial back in the official games, but it certainly feels fitting for a place where the patrons feel close enough to straight-up call the proprietor ‘Auntie’.
Arian: “Wait, huh? But you just called her ‘Auntie’ and-!” .-.
Axel: “Hey, it’s a canon series constant, probably due to a cultural artifact of it being made in Japan like that one ‘Wobbuffet’ joke that only works in the Japanese script. But a series constant anyways, so good enough!” ^v-v^
So does she also have premonitions of disaster that go unheeded by everybody else? ^^;
IMO, Arian’s “finding the word [...]” bit works better being pulled forward in some description paragraph prior to his dialogue since something about the dialogue feels like he’s doing that after making a decision about “well, that’s weird, but whatever, I’ll roll with it”.
inb4 it’s a Natu that hides in the back and does teleportation runs or something like that. Though it probably makes more sense to more explicitly describe Arian taking the berry from Kassandra and his
Another spot where it might make sense to expand things with a spot of description, especially some focusing on Lillian’s reaction to the whole encounter.
It’s going to be the Cofagrigus expy, isn’t it? Since that reaction feels very ‘Cofagrigus’ right about now. >:V
Julius’ appraisal shop isn’t described at all up to this point. It might make sense to drop one in, especially if there’s something about the shop that is obviously ‘off’ such that it draws such a different reaction from Team Sandstream relative to the others which they were generally excited to visit.
Elvira:
Lillian: “(Yeah, he’s just kinda like that. You get used to it. Mostly.)”
Whelp, I think that I found the member of Team Sandstream who would be the fan of horror movies given that Julius going full Smeagol over his chests doesn’t move the needle with him.
Wait, how big is Kamengrad relative to Ozerograd and Old Ozerograd anyways? Since some sort of relative comparison between the two would help a lot for getting a feel for just how small or not Kamengrad is, since it’s apparently still big enough to have side streets.
Ah yes, this is how we’re still going to be able to stay in touch with Zenobia, I see. I just hope that these guys don’t get their mail snooped on by Mitrofan and his lackeys.
I mean, I suppose that the very fact that Team Sandstream is showing them this place is a sign that it’s at least perceived as being a safe and trustworthy agent for passing messages on to other people even when not on the right side of the law. Though that makes me wonder if they’re inadvertently used to help coordinate activities by Outlaws or the likes in this setting.
Why am I getting the feeling that this punting on writing Caitríona and Connall isn’t going to age well? Like it’s understandable, but Lillian sure seems to be able to take the existence of “tomorrow” for granted in a way that I wouldn’t have necessarily have expected from a character with as precarious of a way of life as hers.
Okay, so I understand the rationale for not wanting to drag things out, but I do wonder if this whole “those who know, know and react accordingly” thing going on in town would’ve been more effective showing it from a couple interactions with randoms on the street pulling a “Hey Lillian, how are you doing? And who are the kids?” or something like that such that we can see this dynamic, and then during the return to town, get to see Team Elpis’ turn getting to share in with it. Since there was something about the initial trip through town that I thought felt “missing”, and little interactions like the ones glossed over here would’ve gone a long way to filling that void.
Well, I’m not fully sold on that just yet, but Kamengrad certainly did a good job putting up a positive first impression.
Whew, that was a pretty chunky read, and as you can gather, I had a lot to say up to this point. Enough so that making a condensed take at the end was more or less mandatory to keep things relatively digestible, so let’s just start going into the highlight reel:
Okay, so this chapter was really obviously a “Hello World” for what’s going to be Team Elpis’ home away from home for at least the next arc or so here in Selenia, the hidden new
I also liked the characterization that we got to see on display, even if they were primarily concentrated among Rhiannon, Aldebrand, and Terran with some of the other characters brought up not managing to make as much of a splash past an initial impression, but the story just needed them to get their foot in the door to see them around the guild more, and to its credit, they all did it well enough to get me wanting to see more of them.
As for the flaws… there’s a bit of a laundry list of recurring things that you’ve probably noticed from the full writeup, but in the interest of not sounding like a broken record, I’ll focus specifically on the issues that stood out most to me. I felt that the chapter needed more description in general, but especially in the context for setting what different character vibes are. Like it was especially noticeable in the in the moment where the gang meets Terran, where I didn’t pick up on his banter with Ish getting particularly heated, or how Terran wound up being inadvertently hurtful to Elvira until the story just straight-up said those after the fact. Having more description would’ve allowed for those dynamics to feel more “shown” and less “told”.
As for more structural issues, but part of me is ambivalent about the whole guild complex walkthrough. Like on the one hand, the tour makes sense and is in character, but on the other, with like four separate characters getting brief hi-byes, I wonder if it’d have been a more economical use of wordcount and those encounters would’ve made more of an impression on the readers if they got introduced whenever their presence was more directly required by the plot (e.x. plot calls for Team Elpis to go to Galen’s Dojo and they get a full scene dealing with his grumpiness and issues with Ish). Dunno, maybe I’m overthinking things.
Though on the subject of length, this chapter reads long for some reason, and it presumably would be noticeably longer than 10k words if more description were patched into it. If you do go back to touch this chapter up and throw in some additive editing, I would suggest at least considering dividing it up at the end of the scene where Team Elpis formally signs up to join the guild, since each is approximately 5000 words in their present state and could easily become 7000-8000 words apiece with only modest building off of the base that already exists. The two halves there also represent fairly complete chunks of story: the “first half” in that split covers Team Elpis’ arrival into Kamengrad and them formally joining the Irian Guild with Arian’s human-ness coming out, the “second half” gets Team Elpis used to the Guild they’re going to be calling home, the town above, and essentially is a chance to let them grapple with feelings over “this is really happening” while giving them a concrete glimpse of “this is what you’re fighting for”.
I know that it’s become a running trend for me to have a wall of criticisms every time I review one of this story’s chapters, but I dunno, there’s just genuinely something about it that keeps me coming back. Like sure there’s a lot of things that I have nitpicks about, but the characters are endearing, the world feels fun and alive with glimpses of a really rich history and lore, and the stuff that I’ve heard that’s still a ways off from where I am right now genuinely sounds interesting, so here I am for the ride.
Hope the feedback’s helpful, @Arukona , even if I honestly wouldn’t begrudge you for choosing the “lol, I’m not editing all that, I’ve got new chapters to push out” route for handling these earlier ones. Whatever you choose, I’ll be looking forward to seeing where your story goes from here, and hopefully at least once more before Review Event lets out later next month.
