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Chapter 27 - Breifne, City of Warriors

Arukona

A Scribe Penning His Brainworms
Location
Ardalion
Pronouns
He/him
Partners
  1. aggron
  2. sceptile
  3. lucario
Chapter 27
Breifne, City of Warriors

Arian felt uncomfortable at the breakfast that followed the training session. He just wanted to eat his payapa soup coupled with sliced pinap in peace, but the frostiness radiating from Enfys towards Sabrina couldn't simply be tuned out. Given that the Gabite sat next to him instead of sitting with her partner and the Dragonair sat on the opposite side of the table, he couldn't ignore it.

He tried his best though, and kept his head down as the tension smothered the breakfast atmosphere. At least now that the sun was more up, more mercenaries filled the dining hall, and he could focus on them instead of the quiet tension at his table. It was icy enough that he almost swore winter had visited their table in the canteen.

Arian felt a similar form of discomfort from his allies, and judging by the mildly annoyed expression on Yannick's face as he wolfed down his breakfast, the Hakamo-o was feeling the same. The only anomaly was Sabrina, who didn't seem to share the same discomfort with the rest of the group. She daintily ate her breakfast, seemingly unaware of the quiet tension around the table.

Near the end of the meal, Arian tried to break the silence.

"So, uh," he piped up. "What's your plan for today, you three?"

"Yann and I have a mission in Laighean," Enfys said. "The Chief there hired us personally to sort out some bandit problems."

"Bandits?" That doesn't sound good.

"Yeah, bandits. Ceredigonia likes to launch raids on the border tíortha, and Laighean's one of them," Yannick explained. "They're a general thorn in our side, those Cereds, and Laighean's chief wants us to kick them back over the border."

"Tch. Fuck 'em," hissed Enfys. "Just Dressies dressed up in Alban clothing. That's all those ceatharnaigh are."

"Mmm," Yannick murmured, after which he tipped his bowl back and downed the last of his payapa soup.

"Ahhh," he sighed, licking his lips. "Well, I'll go bring these up to Tiarnán." He gathered up everyone's plates and strolled up to the counter.

"I suppose I'll go now. I've got my own mission to do while you two have fun in Laighean without me," Sabrina said sweetly. "Toodle pip!" She slithered towards the door, but not before sticking her tongue out teasingly at Enfys on the way out.

"That slimy little…!" Enfys bared her teeth in annoyance.

"You don't seem to like her very much," Yuliya noted.

"Of course I don't! A complete snake, she is, coming in here and seducing Yannick like that!" she snarled. "Then there's all those 'missions' she does on her own that are vague as shit! She's up to something - I'd bet my Platinum Rank on it!"

"What's the matter, Enfys? Raging about one of Yannick's girlfriends again?" teased a nearby Archen.

"Jawbreaker Enfys, jealous of her partner? Just another normal day, then," remarked his teammate, an Anorith.

"Hey, Enfys! Maybe think about going poly with Yannick one of these days!" the third in the group, a Tyrunt, quipped.

"Fuck no!" the Gabite roared. "I'm not getting in bed with that bitch!"

"En!" Yannick interrupted, returning to the group after he'd handed the plates off to Cairbre and Tiarnán. "Don't call Sabrina names like that!"

"But, Yann!" Enfys cried, and once again, Arian felt that same sense of hurt within the landshark. "Sabrina, she's—"

"An ally who's helped us out many times since she became a merc here. Don't be mean to someone like that." The Hakamo-o's gaze hardened. "Is that clear, En?"

"...Crystal," mumbled Enfys.

"Good. And you all!" Yannick then suddenly reeled on the three Rock-types that had teased his partner. "Don't you dare act like that to En. Otherwise you'll have to deal with me too!" He punched his fists together, his scales jangling. "Want to take this outside?"

The three Rock-types looked at each other and gulped at the fiery look in Yannick's eyes. The fear in their hearts was plain to see, and they slunk out of the room without any fight.

"...Sabrina's not coming with us on this mission, anyway," Yannick continued. "Good thing too. The less I have to hear you two bickering, the better. Besides, don't you remember what I told you, En? Team Scalebreaker will always just be you and me. There won't be a third. Sabrina's nice and all, but she won't come into the fold. I swear it."

"You've said that before." Enfys's voice sounded doubtful.

"And I'll always say it. Now come on." Yannick beckoned with his hand as he walked towards the door. "Chief Darach won't like being kept waiting."

"...Fine," Enfys huffed, before following her partner.

"Oh, and you three!" Yannick called to the Selenians. "Good luck on your search today! Hopefully you'll be able to find your prince!" With those parting words, he and his partner left the canteen.

"So…what's the plan of action?" Arian asked, turning to Yuliya. "Did you figure out a plan while we were training?"

"The plan is to find His Highness," Yuliya said. "I believe the best way to do this is by splitting into two groups. I will investigate the eastern side of Breifne for intel, while the two of you investigate the west side."

"We have to search all of Breifne for Prince Leonid?" Arian said, his ears flattening in dismay. The thought of combing Alba's largest city for a tiny sliver of intel was considerably daunting in his eyes. "Is he even in Breifne right now?"

"...I do not know. But we won't know unless we find that information for ourselves," Yuliya replied. "I hope that Breifne's cathedral holds answers. Even if Archdruid Cathbad is not there, their fellow druids may have information."

"It doesn't seem like info's gonna come easily," Arian grumbled.

"It rarely does. This hunt may well yield nothing. But the possibility of information remains. And possibilities are all we have. We must find His Highness." A determined look crossed Yuliya's face. "We must."

The determined look spread to Arian and Elvira, who nodded with similar determination.

"I'll go to Breifne Cathedral. With luck, Their Grace will be there. Failing that, I will scout out the eastern bank of Breifne for intel about His Highness," Yuliya detailed. "You two will check out the western half of the city."

"That makes sense," Elvira said. "We'll do that."

"Excellent. You are a great help, you two." Yuliya bowed gratefully to them, and the three of them began to walk out of the canteen and the Guild building, into the courtyard, and to the branching path at the Guild entrance, before the two great bridges crossing the Istwyth.

"I wish you luck in your investigation. Now…let us go forth. Let us find our heir." That was the last thing Yuliya said to them before she headed off towards Breifne's prosperous eastern half.

"Come on, Arian," Elvira said. "Let's get going with our search. Maybe someone on the western side of Breifne's seen Prince Leonid."

"...I guess." Oddly, Arian's remark seemed almost begrudging.

"Hm? Is something the matter, Arian?" The Treecko frowned in concern at her partner. "You seem a bit put out."

"...It's nothing. Probably just the heat," he mumbled irritably. "Come on, let's go. Sitting around here won't accomplish anything."

"O-Okay…" Elvira murmured, slightly stunned by the sudden volte-face in her partner's behaviour. Why's he so grumpy all of a sudden? She followed after him, concern crossing her face.

Something's off about him. What could it be?


Yuliya traversed the bridge to the eastern half of Breifne, on her way to the cathedral, herer eyes and ears fully alert as she began her search, her knight instincts coming back to her. Any stray information along the way can be a clue. In a city like this, someone's bound to know of His Highness's whereabouts. It's a long shot, but…it's for Selenia, and the legacy of House Ruslan.

The Furret attempted to use these skills as she made her way to the cathedral, able to spot its tall spire towering over the rest of the city. To get there, though, that meant traversing through a wide promenade packed with passersby and merchants alike; no doubt the primary street of Breifne. The clamour of voices did make Yuliya's attempts to hear intel all the more difficult, and some of those voices, like merchants giving sales pitches, were especially loud.

"Get all your fresh berries here! Buy 'em now, folks, 'cause they ain't gonna last forever!"

"Seeds for all your merc needs! Use them and get the upper hand against your foes!"

"Yer no' gonna say nae to a bit o' prize fightin'! You think you can take me?!"

Yuliya flinched at the loud hustle and bustle. She wasn't unfamiliar to this from her time as a marshal in Iria, but the Alban merchants were far more rambunctious than Selenian merchants ever were, and she found the din uncomfortable, to say the least. Even so, she kept her head high and looked around her at the sea of people, hoping there was an answer to be had amongst them.

This did, however, mean that her attention was unfocused, and thus she did not see what was ahead of her. Before she realised it, Yuliya collided with something small, light and hard.

"Oof!" a voice cried.

"Argh! Watch where you're going!" came another voice.

"My apologies!" Yuliya quickly said, looking at who she'd run into. She blinked in surprise at the two Falinks before her.

"Forgive me," she began. "I was careless."

"I-It's fine," one of the Falinks replied, rather meekly. "We should've been watching too."

"Hmph. Let's just get what we need, N," the other Falink muttered. "Master Dubhrua doesn't like being kept waiting."

"Understood. Sorry for disturbing you." With that, Yuliya parted ways from them, and made her way back towards the cathedral.

That was odd, she thought, reflecting on the encounter. …No matter. On we head.. Filing the encounter in the back of her mind, Yuliya continued onward towards the cathedral.

Thankfully, the path to Breifne Cathedral was fairly direct, and the Furret arrived there without incident or getting too lost. The cathedral's front contained a vast courtyard, with the boughs of olive trees providing much needed shade from Alba's blazing sun. Two Gligar statues stood at the courtyard entrance, and the brickwork was well-polished. Alas, even the impressive nature of Breifne Cathedral's entrance could not hide signs of Alba's drought taking its toll. Both the grass and the trees looked greatly parched, begging for rain to fall and relieve them of their thirsty misery.

There was also one stark detail that stuck out to Yuliya as she entered the courtyard, far greater than any of the dry wilt of the trees and ground.

Multiple tents were set up, and haggard-looking Pokémon milled around the courtyard. Yuliya counted at least fifteen Pokémon of all different ages, from infants to elderly. Whatever their age, nearly all of them had one thing in common: a harrowed look in their eyes. Between the dry, drooping trees and the haunted gazes of the Pokémon, melancholy permeated the dusty air.

Something happened to these people. Something traumatic. Yuliya could feel it in their gazes. But what? I wonder if the archdruid has an answer for this…

The Furret walked into the cathedral, the building's airiness a blessed relief from the blazing sun. Several more Pokémon with harrowed looks like those in the courtyard were inside, some of them kneeling in the pews and praying. Yuliya gave them pitying glances, but remembered her mission.

She walked up to the altar, where a few priests, recognisable with their white capes, were setting things up for a rite that was to be underway soon. Leading them was a Sigilyph, who upon seeing Yuliya, seemed to ready himself for something.

"Hello," the Furret began. "I am looking to speak with Their Grace Archdruid Cathbad. Are they around today?"

"Sadly not." The Sigilyph shook his head. "Their Grace has been absent from here for a few days."

"Oh." The Furret's face fell. "It's just that there's something I need to talk to them about."

"Hmm, where are you from, ma'am? You don't sound Albach at all."

"Oh no." She shook her head. "I'm from Selenia."

"Selenia?" The psychic blinked in surprise. "I've heard some grim tales from that direction."

"Those tales aren't lies." Memories of the oppression she'd seen under Mitrofan's rule came to her, and Yuliya clenched a paw, trying to keep her anger under wraps. "In fact, it's part of the reason I'm here in Alba. We may have found a breakthrough to bringing Mitrofan down, and Their Grace may know more on this matter. That is why I would like to speak with them."

"...I see. Unfortunately, Their Grace has priorities elsewhere." The Sigilyph bowed his head in sorrow. "I sincerely apologise."

"...It's alright." Yuliya tried hard to hide her disappointment. "I'll find my answers somewhere else."

"That said," the Sigilyph went on. "Their Grace did entrust an item to me. They instructed me to give it to a Furret who set foot into Breifne Cathedral."

"Hm? But…that can't surely mean me, can it?" Yuliya questioned. "How would Their Grace know I would come?"

"Their Grace works in mysterious ways," the Sigilyph vaguely responded. "But they wished for you to have this." His eye glowed, and a scroll was levitated towards Yuliya, who grabbed it.

"Hm? What's this?" She unfurled it and read the text.

Stánann an cosantóir síocháin siar go dtí a baile ar an Oileán Naofa.

The harmony keeper gazes west to her home on Oileán Naofa.

"I…do not understand." Yuliya peered at the document, puzzled at the message. "Why does Their Grace wish for me to have this?"

"I do not know. But as with all actions, there is a reason for them. That is a truth Their Grace is intimately aware of," the Sigilyph said.

"I see." Yuliya looked again at the scroll. The words made no more sense to her. "I suppose I'll have to figure this out." She tucked it away in her satchel. "Thank you for this. Hopefully the answer lies within."

"I wish you luck in figuring it out." The Sigilyph bowed respectfully to her. "May our Creator's judgement guide your path."

Yuliya left the cathedral, passing the Pokémon and making her way back onto Breifne's streets. The mystery of the scroll's message ran through her mind, and she was racking her brains as to what exactly it could mean.

But there was the other matter that weighed on her mind; those Pokémon she saw in the courtyard at the cathedral's front entrance. The haunted looks on their faces told a story of woe and trauma; the ex-marshal was certain about that. But she realised she was none the wiser on finding out their plight.

Just what did they go through, those poor souls?





"Well, then. Where do we begin?"

That was Arian's remark once they'd crossed the bridge into the west end of Breifne. Right away, one feeling struck them as they looked upon the architecture. The wide street that lay before them was cracked in a number of places, and a number of houses on either side of the street were boarded up and abandoned. The whole place felt a tad shabby, like everything could be spruced up with new paint and decorations.

"I hope we don't get robbed." Elvira held onto her satchel a bit tighter. "That wouldn't end well."

"No, it wouldn't." Arian scanned the street. It was busy, and quite the throng of Pokémon packed the streets. But even so, he could see a familiar sight: a Kecleon Shop, and a queue lined up to buy items from the chameleon merchants.

"Let's start there," he suggested.

"Good idea," Elvira seconded. "We could use a restock on items, anyway."

After a tedious wait in line under the hot sun, Team Elpis blessing their rawst scarves for lessening heat stress for them, they finally arrived to the front line where a green and violet Kecleon pair greeted them.

"Hello there!" greeted the green Kecleon, in an all too familiar voice to Arian.

"What would you like to buy?" the purple Kecleon asked, in another awfully familiar voice to the Riolu.

Is this déjà-vu? How the heck…

"Two blast seeds, one stun seeds, and two oran berries, please," Elvira requested. "Oh, and there's something else we need to ask you."

"Sure!" the purple Kecleon obliged, and turned to fetch the merchandise.

"What do you want to know?" the green Kecleon wondered.

"Well, uh…Before that," Arian butted in. "Sorry, Elvira, but I have to know this." He fixed his expression on the two Kecleon. "Would you two happen to know a pair of Kecleon just like you called Jacob and Esau?"

"Indeed we do!" said the violet Kecleon. "Those are our names, after all." As he spoke, he gave the items to Elvira, who handed him a number of coins in return.

"Wait, what?" Arian was astounded. "But how? When did you travel up here to Breifne from Kamengrad?"

"Kamengrad?" the green Kecleon puzzled. "Never heard of that place. We've always ran this stall here in town. Never sold stuff anywhere else."

"B-But…" Arian stuttered in disbelief. "There's literally a pair of Kecleon in Kamengrad exactly like you two! They even have the same tone of voice and all!"

"Oh, I know what's happened here," 'Esau' said. "You must've met two of our cousins."

"Cousins?" The Riolu tilted his head.

"Yes, we have cousins all over Ardalion," 'Jacob' replied. "You'll find Kecleon twins like us in most towns on the continent. We're all related in some way."

"W-Wow, really? Jeez." Arian was stunned. "Your family gatherings must be hectic."

"True, but aren't everyone's?" Esau sang.

"...Point taken." The Riolu then caught Elvira's eye, and she cleared her throat.

"I have a question for you two," she began. "Have you come across a Bisharp at any point in the last while? And by that, I mean the last year or so?"

"A Bisharp in the last year?" Jacob looked at Esau, and both lizards pondered deeply.

"...Can't say I remember a Bisharp ever coming here to buy our wares," Esau eventually answered.

"Are you sure?" Arian pressed. "No Bisharp at all's been here?"

"No." Jacob shook his head. "We haven't had a Bisharp ever come to us for anything."

"We know all of our customers!" Esau added. "Even the one-time shoppers! But we haven't had even one Bisharp as a customer."

"Sorry about that," Jacob apologised.

"...It's fine," Elvira murmured, although her expression betrayed her dismay. "Come on, Arian. Let's go. Maybe we'll find something elsewhere."

"Yeah. Thanks anyway," Arian said to the merchant duo.

"Anytime!" the Kecleon proclaimed in unison, as Team Elpis walked away from the stall.

"Well, that was a bust. Pretty weird too," Arian muttered.

"I see you've become acquainted to the Kecleon merchants' oddities," Elvira said. "They are a strange group, alright. But their service is a lifeline to villages and towns across the continent. That's one thing most people in Ardalion can agree upon." She looked down wistfully. "One of the few things they can agree on…"

"Come on, Elvira. Let's see if anyone else along here has any info." Arian gestured to the many merchants along the street. "How about we start there, and work our way down?"

And so they began their hunt for intel. Unfortunately, the other merchants' responses were much like Jacob and Esau's.

"Nope, can't say a Bisharp's ever come to me in the last while."

"Hm. Maybe? Cannae remember. Old age - ye ken how it is."

"I've met some Bisharp in my time, but I don't remember one coming to my stall in the last year or so."

Some merchants even tried to use the exchange to barter with the duo.

"Will you buy a necklace? One made by Sionann's Crafts, and good enough that the Tánaiste herself's come by a few times!"

"How about some rocks hewed from the mines of Dun Ringill? They say there's diamonds in them. Who knows? Today might be your lucky day!"

"Wine from Laighean's vineyards? They use this same stuff in libations to our Creator!"

It was relentless, and once or twice Arian and Elvira caved. By the time they reached the end of the street, their funds had dwindled, they had a number of useless souvenirs, and they were still no closer to finding the whereabouts of Prince Leonid.

"Well, that's annoying," huffed Arian. At least most of them fit into Elvira's bag. "What the hell are we gonna do with all this junk?"

"We could mail them back to Mom. She always likes souvenirs," suggested Elvira. "We'll need to pop by the Tropius Carriers, or Alba's equivalent of them. There was one earlier, by the river."

"Guess we'll go there, then. Maybe they'll have something for us."

They began the stroll back up. Much to Arian's annoyance, despite it being later in the afternoon, there were still many Pokémon crowding the streets, and being smaller 'mons meant he and Elvira had to dodge around the feet of larger passersby, which caused some consternation among them. Brushing against legs inevitably occurred, with apologies from Team Elpis and mutterings about 'ankle-biting pataich' from those who they brushed against.

If only I was taller, Arian inwardly bemoaned. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this. He let out a growl of annoyance.

"Arian? Are you alright?" Elvira asked worriedly.

"...Yes. I'm fine." The gritted teeth response sounded anything but 'fine'.

"...If you say so," the Treecko murmured, her worry not abating one bit.

"Right. Let's - oof!"

Arian was too lost in his own thoughts to pay attention to his surroundings, and he ended up bumping into a passing Conkeldurr, the impact of which knocked the Riolu onto his back.

"Oi! Watch where you're walkin'!" blasted the Conkeldurr. "Weans like ye should keep to the side!"

"Sorry!" he apologised to his fellow Fighting-type. But the other Pokémon was already on their way, ignoring Arian and leaving him be.

"Ungrateful bastard," he growled, as he got up and dusted himself off.

"Arian, is something the matter?" Elvira brought up. "You've been acting strange ever since we started this search."

The Riolu didn't respond. Instead, his focus had shifted to somewhere else. He happened to cast his gaze to the other side of the street, to one of the many alleyways that lined the street. They existed almost like gaps in teeth, where the sun did not shine and darkness made its home.

In that darkness, Arian saw it.

He saw a cloaked figure. A familiar one.

"Hey! Elvira!" he called.

"Ah!" The Treecko jumped. "Don't scare me like that, Arian."

"But there's someone there!" Arian pointed towards the alley.

"...Arian, what are you talking about? There's no one there. I don't see anyone."

"What?" The Riolu looked back at the alley. To his shock, the figure was gone.

"Grraagh!" That shock was then immediately replaced by annoyance. "Dammit! I'm not lying! I saw someone there!"

"A-Arian, please, calm down," Elvira urged. "You're getting worked up over nothing."

"It's not nothing, Elvira. Someone's been watching us, and I'm going to get to the bottom of this!" The Riolu's declaration was heard loud and clear by a number of others on the street. "Now where'd they go?" Arian scanned the area, and growled in annoyance at the passersby obscuring his view.

"I swear to God, if they got away again…!" The Riolu looked at all the back alleys on the other side of the street. They have to be somewhere! Now where—

He caught a flash of movement from the corner of his eye. A cloaked quadrupedal - the same one he'd seen.

"There they are!" Arian wasted no time, and took off after them. He pushed through the crowds, and accidentally toppled some people, leading to an angry chorus of voices.

"Oi! Look at where you're going, mutt!"

"You nearly tripped me, you eejit!"

"Little blighter! Wait your turn to cross!"

"Wait, Arian, wait!"

Arian paid no attention to any of them, not even his own partner. Right now, only two things were on his mind; chasing that figure down, and finding out the truth behind them. He fought to close the gap, and once he rounded the street corner, he saw the cloaked figure was there for a split second, right before they disappeared down an alleyway.

"You're not getting away!" Arian yelled, continuing to give chase. He went down the same path they took, and a new alley presented itself. This was a smaller street, but looked a lot more ramshackled, with crumbling walls and dirty streets. A poor district, for sure.

Arian didn't focus on that particular right now, intent on chasing down the figure. After running down the street, he spotted that same figure again, before they disappeared down another alley.

All the while, he yelled in frustration at them.

"Who are you?!"

"Why are you stalking me?"

"Wait! Please, wait!"

His cries went in vain, and his yelling caught the attention of those that lived in these rundown houses. Heads turned at the figure and the Riolu running through the streets, and children playing in the alleys dodged out of their way. Inhabitants grumbled at the disturbance, and cries of "Oi, shut up!" were yelled at Arian as he ran past. He paid them no mind, intent on chasing the figure down.

But they proved too evasive and, after what felt like an eternity of running, Arian had to slow down and take a breather. He had heard his species had quite high levels of stamina, but even that wasn't unlimited, as he was learning the hard way.

"Hah…hah…hah…" the Riolu panted. He was thirsty now, and was craving some refreshing water. However, one look at the dilapidated fountain ahead of him, dried up and cracked, told him that water was hardly plentiful here.

Dammit. I'm parched…I guess Isaac was right about the whole 'conserving water' thing. Arian panted, resting for a moment. He recalled Yannick's remark back in Mumhain of his panting habit, or lack thereof. Panting like a dog…will that help? He did just that, panting away in an attempt to entice coolness onto himself.

Hmm. Maybe I need to do more of it. Meanwhile, that person! He got ready to chase again. Alas, the cloaked figure had widened the gap between them, and in this slum labyrinth, they would be hard to find.

Still, I have to figure this out. Maybe that way? He began to walk down the path directly ahead of him, one of the streets that led away from the dried-up fountain.

It was odd. The times he'd been in a Mystery Dungeon with their diverging paths, he never tended to be fully sure about where to go. But this time, there was an odd compulsion to go down that way. Arian wasn't sure what this meant, but he took it as an omen and moved down the street.

He wasn't going as quickly this time, and so he had more time to take in his surroundings. Sadly, they didn't look to be in good shape at all. Corrugated iron roofs, along with cracked brickwork and missing bricks putting holes in houses, were just some of the sights of dilapidation. Broken glass on the ground was also a danger, although Arian made sure to take care to step around it whenever that happened.

Arian continued through the maze of streets, following his gut telling him which way to go. The narrow streets past rows of ramshackle houses continued, until eventually, it opened out slightly towards another square with a dried-up fountain.

However, that wasn't what drew Arian's attention. It was what lay in that square.

There was a house that looked surprisingly well-kept, standing out from the rest of the houses in the district. The other houses were a sorry sight, with chipped, faded paint and boarded-up windows, while this one house looked well-maintained with a fresher coat of green paint. It was a strange sight, to see such upkeep amid haphazardness.

To add to the strangeness, the door was open. It seemed to beckon Arian in, and the Riolu was very tempted. Before he realised it, he was walking towards the door.

Wait, what am I doing? He stopped suddenly before the door. This is walking into someone's house. That cloaked person, whoever they were…they're hardly in here, are they?

He caught a glimpse inside the house. It was dark inside, with little light shining in. Apprehension churned inside him.

Then a voice spoke.

"Please enter."

"Ah!" Arian jumped. "Wh-Who's there?!"

"One who has watched over your journey through this land. I have been waiting for you. Come in, and glimpse at your fate."

Words like that only piqued Arian's curiosity further, and before he knew it, he had stepped foot inside the house. Once inside, he peered around the house's stone interior. It looked to be as well-kept inside as it was outside; there was little to no excess dirt, and the house was tidy. One thing noted by him was the lack of a window, oddly enough.

There was, however, a light source in the open room. That source was being provided by a glowing orb on a table at the far end of the room.

Behind that table…the cloaked figure stood. Now that he was close up, Arian could see them a bit better. They were definitely quadrupedal, and he could see two details about them that were previously hidden. A blade-like scythe protruded from their head, and their snout was canine-like.

"You!" Arian pointed to them. "You're—"

Before he could protest, however, the figure spoke.

"Come to me, Riolu."

Their voice was calm and soft. Arian felt the voice sounded a tad feminine, although he wasn't too sure. There was a strange feeling in the air, compelling him to go over to them.

"Why should I trust you?" However, the Riolu was apprehensive. "Were you down in Mumhain when we first arrived? Have you been stalking me all this time? Why are you—"

"I am sure you have many questions," the figure deftly interrupted. "But please, take a seat."

"..." Arian was still unsure, and his unease was clear by his tentative steps towards the table.

"Your reluctance is understandable." The figure seemed to recognise this. "Perhaps your unease would be shed if you saw my face."

They raised their head, letting the cowl fall behind them. Arian could then see their face for the first time, beyond the little bit that the cloak didn't entirely conceal.

An Absol with blood red eyes stared back at him. Their eyes seemed to give off infinite wisdom, as though they were older than they were. But somehow Arian didn't get vibes of an elderly wise sage from them, at least not through appearance. They seemed wise, and yet young. Around their neck, he noticed a necklace bearing Arceus' cross-wheel, at the centre of which was a green gem. Another gem of the same colour was wrapped around the lower part of their scythe. On the upper part, Arian squinted at what looked to be…gold plating?

"So you've been waiting for me?" Arian said. "…Do you even know who I am?"

"I know who you are, Arian."

Arian's breath hitched. "B-But how? How do you know my name?"

"He who toppled Hinnerk of Ozerograd alongside Fernblade Kallias's daughter. He who has made a name for himself as a dogged resistor to Silver Armour Mitrofan," the Absol listed. "Fate's rumour mill weaves interesting tales, and on its winds, words are carried and spread to the ears of hopeful listeners. Alba is no different; this nation and its people are not ignorant to events outside their borders."

"Really? Enfys and Yannick didn't seem to know much," muttered Arian.

"You are a most curious individual, Arian. I would like to know how Fate intends to weave the path laid out in front of you. My abilities as an Absol and a fortune teller allow me to glimpse into one's future and glean truths from it."

"Oh, yeah?" The Riolu was somewhat distracted by the Absol's presence that he almost forgot about the table before him. On it rested a glowing orb, the source other than the sun from outside lighting up the room. "So you're a fortune teller?"

"That is correct. I read the fortunes of those who come to me and determine how Fate shall treat them. Are you destined to succeed? Or shall Victini's gift of luck pass you by? Let us see that here and now."

"...Sure, I guess. Do I have to pay?"

"I would normally request payment. But you are a figure of such interest that I will lift the fee this one time."

"Really? Me, interesting?" Yannick said the same thing too. But I'm not that special, am I? "Well, uh…sure. Lay it on me. What does the future hold?"

"Place your paws on my horn, and we can determine that." The Absol lowered their horn, and Arian did as they said. He could feel an energy of sorts within the appendage - a pulse of some kind, although he couldn't put his metaphorical paw on what exactly this meant. What did those books say about Absol again? Something about detecting danger?

Arian tried to gauge the fortune teller's emotions as he gripped their horn. However, he found this surprisingly difficult. The Absol seemingly did not exude emotion, and when he tried to reach further, it felt like he was being mentally resisted. The hell? Why can't I read their emotions? The Riolu tried again, but was swiftly interrupted by the fortune teller's voice.

"Please do not do that," they said. "I cannot give an accurate prediction if you try to read my aura."

"Oh. Sorry," apologised Arian, and ceased his efforts, awaiting his fortune from the Absol with a hint of guilt.

A minute passed before they spoke again.

"You may take your paws away. I have a clearer picture of your future."

Arian did as instructed.

"So," he said, breaking the silence. "What did you find out?"

The Absol said nothing at first. The silence struck a twinge of nervosity within Arian, and he felt his heart sink. This is about my future, isn't it? Oh no…if they're keeping silent, then that can't be good, can it?

After what felt like an eternity, they uttered their response.

"Our world is defined by the everlasting cycle of Fate. Through times of peace and times of strife, its revolution will never cease, not unless the Creator Himself sees fit to interrupt its flow. We are all subject to its whims, and its cyclical nature ensures that for many, fortune and misfortune are dealt in equal measure. Many try to go against the grain, believing Fate has betrayed them."

The Absol shook their head. "This is an unwise course of action. Many try, but few succeed in defying her whims. There is a saying in the wider conscience that amounts to this - 'go with the flow.' And so it should be: to swim along the flow that is Fate's current, rather than battle against it.

"Many would do well to learn that the cycle of Fate is named as such for its cyclical nature, of visitation of events both blessed and cursed. If despair is upon you, fear not, for it shall pass. However, if hope is upon you, remember that such moments can be fleeting, and you should cherish those moments while they last."

Arian felt the intense stare from the fortune teller. Geez. Those eyes are gonna pierce a hole through me at this rate.

"That said," the Absol continued, their stare's intensity lessening. "A few individuals over the course of Ardalion's history have succeeded where others would have failed and perished. They normally do so at a time of regress; when the health of our continent is at its weakest, whether blight has marred its soil, wars ravage the land, or strife soaks its grass red with blood. At a time like the present, when drought afflicts Ardalion's western countries, and calamitous rain is in store, one would expect such a hero to emerge.

"However, heroes do not 'suddenly' appear one day to change Fate. In every instance of those who defied Fate, they were forged by the chaos of the world around them. They saw the state of the world and those that threatened Ardalion's existence and challenged their enemies before them. They dared damnation and came out victorious."

"Are you talking about the Five Heroes?" Arian wondered, thinking back to the book he read in Teamhair.

"Them, and more. But they are irrelevant. This session is about you, Arian. You, a most unusual figure who has begun to make a name for himself in both Selenia and Alba. An enigma. A mysterious Riolu with an odd power. A stranger in a foreign land…in more ways than one."

The Absol's next remark sent a chill down Arian's spine.

"My instincts do not lie, Arian. You are a human, aren't you?"

"Wh-What?!" Arian nearly jumped out of his skin. "H-H-How do you know I'm a human?" Panic flooded his mind at this stranger knowing that truth.

"Your psyche is unlike that which I have seen of others," the Absol observed. "It is a curious mutation that I can only describe as…otherworldly. That otherworldly psyche, upon being placed into this body of a Riolu, has warped what was there once, and has become something new entirely."

"Wh-What?" Arian couldn't make heads or tails of their words. "What are you saying?!"

"That is a truth you will learn to grapple with," the Absol replied. "Slowly but surely, it shall come to the fore, and with it, bring a new form of conflict into your life. One that will bring you into Ardalion's limelight, and for all the world - no matter their background - to know your name, your face and your deeds. The prospect of this is distant, yet be wary of it. For once the truth comes to light…nothing shall be the same for you again."

"Th-That's…" Arian did not at all like the sound of what he was hearing. If that's not ominous as hell, then I don't know what is.

"In your near future, I sense more immediate forms of danger." The fortune teller kept going, articulating their fortune in that same measured tone. "Arguments. Failure of understanding. Separation. And on more than one occasion, brushes against Yveltal's wings."

"Yveltal's wings?" He'd heard that Pokémon's name a number of times, and even in his limited knowledge knew full well what phrases like that meant. So the past while's not been enough, huh? It feels like all I've known are living on the edge and brushes with death. When can I finally actually live normally?

"If you can overcome the adversity that lies before you, then you may well know happiness," the Absol said, almost as though they read his mind. "Your future is not entirely bleak; within it are rays of hope. Recall what I said earlier; despair not in dark times, for the light shall shine ever brighter when they pass."

"Look at it like a glass half-full, you mean?"

"That is one other way of looking at it. As for the dangers that you will face, you will come to know them when they appear before you. But that you are afforded a ray of hope is more than can be said for others whose futures I have divined," the Absol went on.

"So you're saying I have a chance?" Arian summed up.

"Indeed. But you must overcome the challenges before you to achieve happiness." The Absol gave him a stern look. "And forget not the mystery that lies within you. You are an enigma, even to yourself."

"Even to myself?" Arian's brow furrowed in confusion. "Is that because of my amnesia?"

The fortune teller didn't answer him. All Arian received in return was a stare that felt almost soul-piercing.

"Wh-What do you mean?" the Riolu repeated, louder but also more unnerved. The Absol's statement did not sit right with him. "What do you mean, 'I'm a mystery, even to myself'?"

"...The answer to that, you will find out in time." Once again, their words came out mysterious, and evasive. "The mysteries surrounding you, a human in the body of a Riolu…you will come to know those secrets. In the meantime, I would like to give this to you."

There was a pause while the Absol fetched something from behind them. They reared their head back up with a scroll in their mouth, before placing it in front of Arian.

"Take it. It will be of aid to you."

"Er, thanks?" The Riolu took the scroll, and unfurled it. However, to his annoyance, it was yet another point of confusion to add onto the pile.

Sna scáthanna nach bhféachann sí, feonn onóir agus borrann searbhas.

In the shadows where she does not look, honour decays and bitterness festers.

"...What?" The words simply did not make sense to him, whether it was in the Alban tongue or the language he knew.

"Within your paws lies a half of one whole. Combine the two, and you will reach your next goal." The Absol then rose. "However, that is all I will say to you. You should leave here. Another seeks you out as we speak."

"Another…?" Then it dawned on him. "Elvira! Crap, I completely forgot about her! Oh no, she's gonna be so mad at me!"

"Reunite with her, then. Dealing with the problem immediately will lessen the resulting animus," the Absol recommended. "Go, Arian."

"Right! Uh…thanks for the fortune, um—"

Then something occurred to Arian.

"Wait a minute. I never got your name. Who are you?"

"...I will not tell you my name now," the Absol denied. "But we will meet again. There, you shall know the answer."

"...Right." The Riolu was admittedly put out with that statement.

"Now go, Arian. May Fate watch over you."

"Yeah, bye!"

With those parting words, Arian closed the door behind him. Once he was outside, he tried to process that odd meeting.

How long was that? Somehow he felt like it had been an eternity. But looking up, the sun hadn't moved far from its position. It couldn't have been more than a half an hour, he presumed.

However, it was beginning to edge towards late afternoon, and the Riolu was reminded of the promise he'd made with Yuliya to meet back at the Guild.

But first. Elvira! I need to find her. Arian looked to his right. I think that was where I came from? He went back down the path, and indeed, it was the way he came in. His ears pricked, as he tried to listen out for his partner.

Before long, he picked out a familiar voice.

"Arian? Arian! Where are you?"

Elvira! She sounded quite worried. Arian rounded the next corner, and there the Treecko was, stuck at a split in the path, wondering which way to go.

"Elvira!" he called to her.

"Arian!" she cried. "Why did you run off like that? You left me behind!"

"B-But I had to chase down whoever was watching us! I just couldn't let them get away!"

"You shouldn't have ran off!" the Treecko chastised. "Partners are meant to stay together!" The hurt came off in all forms; in her eyes, her voice and her emotion waves which Arian felt. "Please don't do that again. I couldn't bear it if you disappeared in this labyrinth of a place."

"...I'm sorry, Elvira." The Riolu's ears flattened in sorrow. "I won't leave you like that again."

"Did you find whoever it was?" Elvira wondered.

"I did. They were an Absol fortune teller, oddly enough. They read my fortune, which, er…" He paused, recollecting the Absol's prediction. "...It didn't exactly paint the brightest of pictures, but there's hope, at least."

"Arian, what are you saying?" The Treecko's brow furrowed.

"Look, I don't fully get what they said either. But they did give me this scroll. They said it would help me at some point." The Riolu unfurled it again. "It's a clue, apparently."

"...We'll need to dissect this. Maybe if Yuliya was with us, she could help," Elvira proposed. "She's a knight; they're normally investigative."

"We should probably head back anyway. We did say we'd meet her around late afternoon." The promise they'd made earlier that day rang in Arian's head.

"Let's go then." Elvira turned to go back down the way she came, and looked back to make sure Arian was following her. The Riolu hurried to catch up with her.

All the while, his mind was ablaze about that fortune the Absol had read for him.

Why do I get this feeling I haven't even scratched the surface about just who I am?





Arian and Elvira headed back through the gates of the Guild. Salann and Alasdair let them through, with some reluctance from the Naclstack. Once inside the Guild's grounds, they found a shaded place below a set of awnings from which they could wait for Yuliya.

All the while, Arian puzzled over the scroll the Absol had given him. What the hell does this mean? As if their words weren't cryptic enough, now they lob this at us…

"Arian! Elvira!" a familiar voice called. Team Elpis looked up to see Yuliya enter the Guild's gates.

"Yuliya!" Arian called and waved to her.

"Well met, you two." Yuliya said, once she'd made her way over. "Tell me, did you find any information about His Highness?"

"Alas not." Elvira was dismayed to report that. "We asked around the west end's merchants, passersby and even some refugees. But no one's seen hide nor hair of Prince Leonid."

"Even Bisharp in general," grumbled Arian. "You'd think they wouldn't know what Bisharp were. That fortune teller didn't give me many clues either."

"Fortune teller?" Yuliya queried.

"It's a long story. Let's just say I got nothing out of it but this scroll." Arian held up the scroll in question. "'All that's here is some half-complete saying. I don't know what it means, but I bet any money there's more to this."

"You received a scroll? Hold on a minute." Yuliya dug into her possessions and found the scroll she'd received from the Sigilyph priest. "I did too."

"You did?"

"Yes. And mine has a half-complete saying as well." The Furret then realised something. "Yours was incomplete as well, Arian?"

"It was. …Maybe if we put them together, they'll mean something!" The Riolu wasted no time putting his idea into action. He and Yuliya put their scrolls together, and read out what they said together.

Stánann an cosantóir síocháin siar go dtí a baile ar an Oileán Naofa. Sna scáthanna nach bhféachann sí, feonn onóir agus borrann searbhas.

The harmony keeper gazes west to her home on Oileán Naofa. In the shadows where she does not look, honour decays and bitterness festers.

"...Er, what?" Arian squinted, wondering if he was reading it correctly. "What does it mean by this?"

"I do not know." Yuliya frowned. "Is this referring to a location?"

"Are these messages meant to be together?" Arian considered. "They are from two different sources on opposite ends of Breifne. There's no evidence they're meant to form two parts of the same message."

"That's true," Elvira said. "But this can't mean nothing either. I don't feel this is a red herring. Something tells me it isn't. It feels like…the answer lies in that message, the way it is now."

"Indeed. The way the second message refers to a 'she', it must mean they are referring to someone," Yuliya deduced. "It would be a fair assumption to presume 'she' refers to 'the harmony keeper' referred to in the first message if they're meant to go together."

"Maybe, but how does this help us?" Arian wondered.

"Could this be telling us where Prince Leonid is?" Elvira said. "In a cryptic way, of course."

"Possibly." The ex-marshal looked at the text. "Could it be a code? Those aren't unheard of."

"God help us if it is," Arian groaned. "We could be here for hours trying to decipher it if it's a code."

"Maybe it isn't. Maybe these words mean something," Elvira suggested. "There's two main things here - 'harmony keeper' and this place where 'honour decays and bitterness festers'."

"Clearly. But what do those mean?" Arian said. "That's what we're trying to figure out."

"Hmm…" Elvira pondered. "'Harmony keeper'...'Harmony keeper'...I've heard that term before."

"You have?" Yuliya blinked in surprise. "Whereabouts did you hear it?"

"I'm trying to remember." Arian and Yuliya could practically hear the gears turning in Elvira's head. "Was it in a book? I think so…Which book? Fiction or old hero's tales? Did Dad tell me it…?" These mutterings of hers continued for a while.

In the middle of this, the group heard a heavy flap of wings getting louder above them. They peered up, and a familiar rainbow-feathered bird was descending towards them.

"Heeeeeeyyyyyyy, Selenians!" Scáthach called from the air, before landing on a low wall near them. "Whatcha up to?"

"Hello, Tánaiste Scáthach," greeted Yuliya. "We are trying to decipher the meaning behind this message. Perhaps you could help us?"

"Sure! What's it all about?" Scáthach peered at the two scrolls Elvira and Yuliya showed her.

"...Oooh, cool! Like a puzzle!"

"That's one way to put it," Arian muttered.

"There are two points we're trying to figure out," Yuliya elaborated. "The identity of the 'harmony keeper' as depicted here, and this mysterious place 'where honour decays and bitterness festers'."

"Hmmm." Scáthach pondered for a moment, before her eyes suddenly lit up. "Oh, that's easy. It's talking about Harmony Keeper Táiltiú."

"Táiltiú!" Elvira exclaimed. "That's who it was!"

"Táiltiú?" Arian tilted his head. "Who are they?"

"The patron saint of Alba, that's who!" Scáthach answered with gusto. "She helped the Hero Riagán take down the Tyrant King five hundred years ago, and was the first Archdruid of Alba! She also did a load of stuff for the city's poor, and became a nurse in Alba's first tournaments!

She kinda went unknown for a while, in the shadow of our Hero, but they recognised her again and canonised her as a saint for all she did! So woohoo! Big win right there!"

"I think I have heard the name before," Yuliya pondered. "But what makes you certain that this is referring to Saint Táiltiú?"

"Because of her name!" Scáthach replied. "When warriors become famous in Alba, they usually get a fun nickname to go by. They call me 'Rainbow Wing Scáthach' and they call Trahy 'Copperforce Trahaern.' You know what they called Táiltiú? They called her…'Harmony Keeper Táiltiú'."

"Ahh." Yuliya nodded, realising what she was getting at. "I see."

"We even have a statue and square dedicated to her!" the Archeops went on. "It's kinda out of the way, but that's what she would've wanted. They say Táiltiú kept to herself and wouldn't want big displays of herself. Kinda why she went unknown for such a long time in Alba's history, really!"

"A statue and square?" Elvira suddenly had a realisation. "That could be the location mentioned in the clue!"

"Really? Why'd you think that?" Arian questioned.

"A statue has a gaze to it. 'In the shadows where she does not look'...that could refer to behind the statue," the Treecko explained.

"It seems we have our next mission; to find the statue of Saint Táiltiú," Yuliya said. "Tánaiste, do you know where that might be?"

"I sure do!" Scáthach peppily answered. "Come on! I'll take you there myself!" With a flap of her wings, she took off from the wall and began to fly down the path out of the Guild.

"Come on! Let's catch up with her!" Yuliya dashed after her, and Team Elpis followed, determined to capitalise on this breakthrough.





"And here it is! Cearnóg Naomh Tháiltiú! Just what you were looking for!"

St Táiltiú's Square was nestled in a quiet part of Breifne's more prosperous eastern half. It was tucked away in a sheltered part of the city away from the hustle and bustle of the markets that Yuliya and Team Elpis had observed in their respective scouting of the Alban capital earlier. Arian noted that the labyrinthine nature of Breifne's streets was not confined to the western half of town; the eastern half had their fair share of maze-like streets as well.

"Now then, I gotta go!" Scáthach declared. "Lot of logistical stuff to do. Tánaiste business, you know how it is!"

"Leaders never have a restful moment." Yuliya nodded in understanding. "Apologies for taking up your time, Tánaiste."

"Oh, it's no problem at all! I love helping people out!" The Archeops' eyes shone as she said this. "Okay, but I really gotta go, or Trahy'll get grumpy again. See ya!" And with that, she took off into the sky.

"Thank goodness she came along," Elvira said. "Otherwise we'd be no closer to chasing down this clue."

"Well, I know that's good and all." Arian, however, didn't look any happier. "But what are we gonna find here?"

"Quite simple," Yuliya said. "We let the statue be our guide."

Within the square lay a large, distinctive, with dried grass and a tall iron fence surrounding it. It depicted a tall, dinosaur-like Pokémon with a distinctive drill-shaped horn.

"Hm, I can't say I expected that," murmured Yuliya. "The image of a peaceful saint I had was not that of a Rhydon."

"Appearances can be deceiving," Elvira reasoned. "Even the most menacing-looking Pokémon can turn out to be gentle." Her mind flashed back to Mitrofan giving her money to buy sweets all those years ago. So understanding and kindhearted, and the way her father chatted to him like a firm friend…

She shook her head. If she dwelled too much on those memories, it would only make her heart ache all the greater.

"Right, so…" Arian looked around him. "We're here now. Where's the clue?"

"We have to figure it out." Yuliya looked up at the statue. "'In the shadows where she does not look'...hmmm…"

"Hold on a minute." Looking around the square, Elvira suddenly had an idea. "If St Táiltiú looks that way…" She gestured in the same direction as the Rhydon's gaze. "Then behind her is where we should be looking." Her finger pointed towards a row of houses opposite the statue, away from where the Rhydon looked. "Do you notice? The way the sunlight's reflecting off those houses…it's a bit like shadows are being cast, isn't it?"

"Huh." Arian followed her finger, and saw her point. "You're right…"

"Those houses…they don't look to be in the best of shape," commented Yuliya. The Furret's observation wasn't unfounded; the houses in the square were far from dilapidated, but at the same time, they did not look to be of the highest standard. It was as if a slice of the western city had been taken across the Istwyth and placed in the eastern half. They followed building trends that the Selenians had seen in Teamhair and Breifne, with various bright colours painted upon the walls. However, they did look to be in need of a lick of paint.

"So what we're looking for is somewhere in those houses," Elvira said.

"I believe so," Yuliya said.

"...I don't know, guys." Arian was doubtful. "Are we just gonna knock on the doors of the people who live here? What are we going to say to them? 'Hi, we're looking for the Selenian prince, do you know anything about that?'"

"...You have a point, Arian." Yuliya's confidence faltered. "Does this even have to do with His Highness? Is this message a hoax? I sincerely hope that…" Her voice then trailed off.

"Yuliya?" Elvira said. She and Arian followed her gaze, and saw what had caught the Furret's attention.

A group of Falinks emerged from what looked to be the most ramshackle house in the square, with a creaky, rotting door and long-since faded paintwork. Only four of them were present, though.

"Hold on," Yuliya whispered. "Those other two Falinks…Are they—"

Her question was soon answered by the remaining two Falinks scurrying to the rest of their platoon.

"You guys!" one of them yelled out. "We might've hit upon something!"

"Y-Yeah!" the other, meeker Falink replied. "This could be huge!"

"Y! N!" The lead Falink sounded furious. "You're way past your allocated time for intel gathering! Master Dubhrua despises tardiness! What do you privates have to say for yourself?!" he lambasted with all the gusto of a drill sergeant.

"G-General C! I-It's not what you think!" implored the meek one. "We might've actually found something!"

"Well, spit it out, Private N!" yelled C. "It better be good! You better not have been slacking!"

"We had an encounter in the market today," the other Falink, Y, began. "We collided with a Furret, who apologised to us before going on her way. But I noticed that the Furret in question had a foreign accent. She didn't sound like she was from Alba."

None of the three needed to be told who the Falink was talking about. They took that moment to hide behind Táiltiú's statue out of sight.

"So what, Y?" one of the other Falink questioned. "A foreign Furret? Who cares about that?"

"No, hang on, R," another Falink said. "Did that Furret have a Selenian accent?"

"I think. I couldn't be sure, though. We haven't met too many Selenians."

"Master Dubhrua's Selenian," the third Falink pointed out, leading to a gasp from Yuliya. "Did they sound like him?"

"Silence, Private A!" C demanded. "We don't need you giving away intelligence that could be used by enemies!"

"S-Sorry." A cringed from his superior's outburst.

"We might be onto something though," the second Falink said.

"Just a passerby, that Furret was. You're overthinking it, Private W." C shook his head. "Now then! Get back inside, Y and N, and explain yourselves to Master Dubhrua!"

"But Master Dubhrua knew a Furret, didn't he? That could well be her!" Y protested.

"Plenty of those rats around. Not all of them can be the one Master Dubhrua knew."

The Selenians were listening in on all of this, incredulous at what they were hearing. None more so than Yuliya.

"This Master Dubhrua…Could they possibly be…?" The ex-marshal didn't finish her sentence. "I'm getting to the bottom of this." She marched out from their hiding place.

"Wait, Yuliya! You'll give us away!" Arian pleadingly whispered. But the Furret didn't listen, marching forward towards the Falinks.

"Excuse me," she began. "May I speak to you all?"

"I-It's her!" N said. "That's who we saw today, isn't it, Y?"

"Silence, Private N!" C barked. "...Something you want, girl?"

"I overheard your conversation about happening across a Furret from Selenia," Yuliya went on. "And based on what you've said thus far, I have a few questions for you."

"Tch. Try harder, lassie!" spat C. "You're not getting questions out of this soldier. Not without a fight!"

"Oh, you wish to go that route, do you?" Yuliya quickly caught on. "That's fine by me. If it means I'll get answers to my liege's whereabouts, I'll gladly solve this the Alban way."

"Your liege, huh?" remarked R. "No Alban uses 'liege'. You're definitely not from here, then."

"Quite correct. I am from Selenia, and I am a knight sworn to her tsar. I am Yuliya Gerasimovna Lysagora, and right now, I am committed to finding the whereabouts of our heir." She paused dramatically. "Tell me. Does the name 'Prince Leonid Klimentovich Ruslan' ring any bells?"

At least three of the Falinks had something of a reaction to that name. N gasped, Y's eyes widened, and R looked around nervously at his platoon.

C, however, stood his ground. "No words are escaping me, Furret! You'll have to pry the answer from my cold, dead lips!"

"I won't take it that far. Your Master Dubhrua must value you, if he is who I think he is. But regardless, I'm not backing down." Yuliya held up her paws. "Arian! Elvira! Help me out here!"

Team Elpis stepped out from behind the statue. They quickly assumed a battle stance, seeing what was about to go down.

"Square up, men!" C ordered. "Your targets are the Furret, Riolu and Treecko ahead of you! Eliminate them and protect Master Dubhrua!"

"Sir, yes, sir!" the Falinks obliged.

"What's that? I can't hear you!"

"Sir, yes, sir!"

The voices came louder. But the Selenians quickly noticed something. Only three voices responded instead of five.

"...I hear dissension." C had noticed it too. "Y and N, are you ignoring the words of a superior?!" He turned to notice those two Falinks had stepped out of line.

"W-We're not, General C!" N cried. "But…"

"There's no reason we have to fight," Y continued. "There's a high possibility Master Dubhrua knows this Furret. A name like hers does sound incredibly Selenian. A Selenian noble, even."

"We're a unit! We are Carwyn, and we fight as one! You don't back down from your general's orders!"

"But there's no point!" N pleaded. "Master Dubhrua needs allies more than ever! Why are we fighting her?!"

"To prove her mettle! If she wants to meet Master Dubhrua, she's gotta get through us first! So stop whining, square up and get ready to fight!"

"...No. I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of pointless fighting." N turned to his fellow Falinks. "Come on, guys, please! Can't we talk this out for once?"

"I agree with N," Y seconded. "This is a point where dialogue would be optimal. Fighting, even if it is the Alban way, would be pointless. Don't forget what happened at home, where lack of dialogue caused the mess there and forced us and many others to flee here."

Y's words had a weight to them that caused a change in demeanour of the others. The determined looks faltered slightly, and in crept a feeling that Arian could sense as sadness.

Reluctance then began to creep in among the other three.

"Sorry, General C, but I gotta agree with 'em," A said.

"What?!"

"As do I," W added. "I don't wanna give away an opportunity to help Master Dubhrua."

"If we fight them and win, we might scare them off, and that'll be a missed opportunity, alright," R reasoned. "Come on, General C. There's no point to this."

"You all…" C looked among his Falinks cohort. All were going against him in his order to fight. "...Very well. I wouldn't be a lead Falink if I didn't look out for my men." He turned to face the Selenians. "I stand down, Miss Yuliya."

Really? Just like that? Arian was surprised at the turnaround. Who would've thought words would convince an Alban?

"Thank you very much, Carwyn." Yuliya bowed respectfully. "You recognise your men's wishes and changed your plan accordingly. Through this, you've earned my respect."

"Thank you. However!" C said. "I still do not trust you, ma'am. You may have good intentions and you may know Master Dubhrua. But whether he'll bring you into his circle of trust is another matter entirely!"

"I'm certain he will, if he is who I think he is," Yuliya assured.

"Uh, Yuliya?" Arian wondered. "Do you know this 'Master Dubhrua' they're talking about?" He could sense hope brimming in the Furret.

"I believe so," Yuliya answered, her answer full of confidence.

"I think I may know who he is," Elvira murmured. "And if so, our search may be over soon."

"Wait, really?" I'm missing something big here, aren't I?

"...I'll take you to see him," C said. "But I'll warn you. Whatever image you have of Master Dubhrua is not what you'll see here. He's…a changed man, in many ways. I don't know how he'll react to you, ma'am. Perhaps it's best you see him for yourself."

He turned to his men. "R, W. Head inside and inform Master Dubhrua of these visitors."

"Yes, sir!" The two Falinks went over and opened the door. Immediately, a loud creaking sounded, making the trio wince. That front door definitely needs oiling, Arian thought.

He noticed a concerned look on Yuliya's face as they went to enter the building. Apprehension, no doubt, at who she would meet. Given the warning C had given them before entering, it didn't bode well.

A thought occurred to Arian.

Wait a minute…Could it be? Could Master Dubhrua really be—

"He's in his room, ready to meet you." Arian barely registered R's voice against the shattering realisation that came to him. Now, as he readied to enter the room, he found his own stomach bubbling with anxiety. He could sense it in Elvira too. Master Dubhrua, this mysterious figure…it was time to pull back the curtain on them.

The room was dark, with the window boarded up and candlelight providing the only illumination. In that darkness, Arian caught sight of a figure at the far end of the room, sitting cross-legged and facing away from them.

Right away, he sensed many emotions. Bitterness. Frustration. Anger. They permeated around the room like a mist, the influence of the negative aura radiating from the figure, who began to rise. From the back, they saw a tattered and worn cape with a faded crest on the back. It showed signs of an ornate state once upon a time.

The so-called Master Dubhrua turned to face them, and the Selenians now had a good view of him. He was a little taller than Yuliya, and a fair bit taller than either of Team Elpis. His metallic features, specifically his bladed hands and axe-like helm, glinted in the candlelight. The rest of his body primarily featured red-and-black colouration.

The Bisharp fixed them all with a steely glare. No words came from his mouth, setting in unease all the greater for the Selenians.

Yuliya could barely hold it together. She tried her hardest to hold back a sob as she spoke to a face she hadn't seen in five long years.

"Y-Your Highness…It's really you, isn't it?"





Notes

Ceatharnaigh - Irish for 'bandits'.

Albach - A partially made-up word to mean 'Alban', derived from the Irish word for Scottish, 'Albanach'.

Pataich - Scots Gaelic for 'children'.

Cearnóg Naomh Tháiltiú - Irish for 'St Táiltiú's Square.'
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, it’s a little late, but I’m here with my review for offsite Review Tag, which was as good an excuse as any to get back into this story for the first time in…

- Checks notes -

Six-ish months. Whelp, ‘late’ is always better than ‘never’, so let’s dive right back into this story:

Chapter 6

Ozerograd was an important town in Selenia. While it could hardly compare to some of the fancifully large towns that were present in Dresilia and Miletos, it was a still sizable town by Selenian standards. And so, by extension, it was regarded as an important centre in Selenian politics. When Mitrofan took over the country and installed himself as tsar, it was one of the major centres that was captured first, with the help of Hinnerk. After the latter took over the town by deposing the local lord, he created the Thorned Roses to help him exercise his newfound power.

The town itself showed evident signs of being built along a plan planning being put into it, as opposed to the haphazard nature that most cities and towns found themselves in as they expanded. Perhaps Ozerograd's nature would change in the future if its population grew, but for now, its planned nature served as provided a sense of surprising newness to the town.

There was a good reason for this. In olden times, Ozerograd was in fact a smaller settlement located closer to the lake nearby it, a decently-sized mere by the name of Lake Lazurny. This was convenient for locals, as it meant water could be obtained more easily. However, the storms that often came in the autumn and early winter resulted in almost annual flooding for the town. The destruction of people's livelihoods, along with a number of deaths due to from drowning and exposure on a yearly basis prompted the lord of the oblast to move his town to higher ground some two hundred years ago so as to mitigate the damage done to his people. And so Ozerograd received a new look in its reconstruction, with inspiration drawn from the architecture of the Eastern countries, renowned for their architectural prowess throughout the years. The old town was left mostly abandoned, but some still chose to live there and lived their lives despite the challenges that came with it.

Elvira was telling all of this to Arian when they first laid eyes on the town. Immediately, the amnesiac human had voiced his curiosity about the town, and so Elvira filled him in, basing her knowledge on stories she'd heard over the years and books she'd read. It was something that Flora couldn't stifle a remark about.

Oh, so Ozerograd’s basically Selenia’s Saint Petersburg, huh? Wonder if it also got a rename after Mitrofan shook up the local politics given that that’s a bit of a trend for that city.

That said, as fascinating as the backstory of Ozerograd is, I do wonder if there was a bit of a more concise and less loredumpy way of presenting this that could’ve connected to “right, we’re with Arian and Elvira at the moment” a bit more. e.x. from going out on a bit of a limb with a lazy reshuffling and reframing:

Arian could barely keep his jaw from hitting the ground after stepping out of Flora’s house. All around them, there was a bustling town that seemed to go on as far as the Riolu’s eyes could see. It hardly compared to some of the fancifully large towns of Dresilia and Miletos that the almanac had spoken about, but it was clearly a sizeable town. Even by Selenian standards, as Elvira informed him.

The town itself showed evident signs of being built along a plan, which gave Ozerograd a surprising sense of newness that most other cities in Selenia that had haphazardly added one quarter after another to themselves. Apparently in olden times, Ozerograd had been a smaller settlement located closer to the lake nearby it—Lake Lazurny, as it was called. Its old location had made it convenient for locals to obtain water, which came at the cost of autumn storms that would result in nigh-annual flooding for the town. Every year, people's livelihoods would be destroyed, and a number of unfortunates would drown or die from exposure, a sorry state of affairs that eventually prompted the lord of the oblast to move his town to higher ground some two hundred years ago.

In the process of its reconstruction, Ozerograd received a new look in its reconstruction, with architecture that looked more like something from the Eastern countries that had been renowned locally in those times than anything else in Selenia. Ozerograd’s old town was left mostly abandoned, but even to this day, some Pokémon still chose to live their lives there in spite of its struggles with the autumn storms.

And due to its size, Ozerograd had become an important centre in Selenian politics. When Mitrofan took over the country and instilled himself as tsar, it was one of the first major settlements that his forces captured thanks to the help of Hinnerk. After Hinnerk deposed the local lord and took over the town for himself, one of his first actions was to create the Thorned Roses to help him exercise his newfound power. The same Thorned Roses that they’d run into just the other day in Verdant Woods…

Might have cut a few things that you still want to hold onto, but hopefully that gives you a few ideas for how to reflow this part if you choose to give it an overhaul at some point.

"You listened to those stories? I'm surprised you were able to. Mr Akulov's storytelling worked better than any Hypnosis in sending me to sleep."

"Yeah, I remember that," Elvira recalled, laughing slightly at what must have been an old memory. "He wasn't that bad, Flora. He just had a tendency of getting carried away. It is an interesting topic about the town It’s not as if the story of how the town moved to higher ground’s boring, though, how it moved to higher ground. Stuff Old tales like that's those have always been fascinating to me."

Wait, is Akulov a former teacher of theirs or something? If possible, it might be handy to slip in a passing mention for how they relate to each other, especially if Akulov is still around in the present day. Though the phrasing of the last paragraph was a little clunky to me. I threw in an offhand suggestion for a potential way to smooth things over that I think still gets at your intent.

"Well, whatever floats your boat. Or not, given where our town is now," Flora replied. "...Oh, here we are."

The group stood at a fork in the cobbled street. Down one end of the left-hand street, a shop with a colourful storefront and bouquets of flowers placed outside it could be seen. It didn't take a detective to deduce the shop it to be a florist's.

You have a lot of repetitions of “shop” or some variation thereof in that second paragraph. Consider thinning them out a bit with synonyms or equivalent pronouns.

"Well, I'll leave you guys here," Flora said, beginning to make her way down that street. "Good luck on your little hunt."

"Goodbye, Flora," Elvira replied. "I'll come visit you soon, I promise."

… Wait, is this really the best idea in the world when you two pissed off the Thorned Roses just the other day and are walking through a known hotspot of theirs where you could conceivably be being watched right now? .-.

"You should. Who knows? We might even have a job or a clue for you. Oh, and...be careful. You never know what the likes of them hear." With that word of warning, the Petilil made her way toward her home.

"And just like that…" Elvira muttered. "Back to remembering where we are."

"Mmm," Arian murmured in agreement.

Oh, I’m not the only one who was worried about eavesdropping. Though part of me wonders if there should’ve been a descriptive paragraph slotted in somewhere just describing Flora looking over her shoulder. Since recall that for Arian, all of this is new right now. And as such, in an environment that isn’t really safe for them, taking the time to point out little actions or things that are “off” go a long way to selling the sense of “you need to be careful around here”.

From the moment he walked out of Tamara's front door, he could sense that all was not well in the town. There was an air of hostility and fear, and almost immediately, he was able to discern the cause of the discord.

There were a number of Pokémon out in the street, all wearing a red band with a thorned rose emblazoned on it on their arm, neck or foreleg. All of them wore sour expressions, and all of them watched the streets like Mandibuzz looking for prey. Any passersby felt their harsh gazes, and they made a point to get on with their business as quickly as possible.

On the one hand, while I understand that meta-wise you need to not interrupt background storytime for Ozerograd, I kinda wonder if the framing of the introduction to “oh yeah, there’s Thorned Roses here” should’ve been handled such that Arian and Elvira notice some Thorned Roses up the street or something, and then it’s revealed “oh right, those guys, we could barely leave Tamara’s house without seeing them” that have been the wet blanket over their city tour.

Could potentially dovetail with dropping in a more explicit “watch your back” action with Flora really, such as her checking her surroundings and then pointing out TRs prowling the street up ahead or something like that.

Arian: “You know, from the way that you were talking about Hinnerk’s goons, I was thinking that they were going to be a bit more subtle and make us paranoid of being watched.”
Elvira: “No, they’re plenty happy just blatantly rubbing it in that they’re in charge and we can’t do anything about it.” >_>;

Arian, Elvira, and Flora were had been on the receiving end of their treatment, too. The glares that faced them were piercing, almost as if they were boring holes into their skin. It was a great discomfort that Every time they did that was an uncomfortable experience which unsettled all of them, and made them watch their backs a bit more, in case they were jumped on.

That hadn't happened yet. But Arian refused to discount the possibility of an ambush by the Thorned Roses. They did not look to be the sort of people to mess with, lest especially if one wished to escape perfectly intact.

I… kinda wonder if this whole bit should’ve come before Flora left the party since it admittedly feels a bit weird to talk about Flora experiencing something when she’s no longer here. I kept my suggestions for tweaks on the more minimalistic side of things, though.

That said, no point of comparison between the town’s local toughs and Viv and Bruno? Since if these TRs aren’t visibly a cut above those two, I’m honestly a little surprised that Arian is this nervous given how hard of an L they took against Arian and Elvira. I presume the intention was that they were supposed to look noticeably tougher and more threatening, but it’s not really stated by the text.

"Still," Elvira said. "We've come this far into town. Let's start looking. We'll start in the town square and go from there."

Elvira and Arian headed in the direction of the town square. On the way there, they caught sight of more Thorned Roses members giving them the evil eye, and tried to ignore them. However, on one occasion, this wasn't enough.

"Hey! You two!" a voice shouted to them. Looking ahead of them, the duo saw a Machoke with an armband walk up to them menacingly and threateningly. "State your names!"

Arian: “Oh boy… we just had to get this guy on our tails instead of that incompetent Meowth and Deino from the other day.”
:riohnolu:


"Elvira!" answered the Treecko, almost like an army cadet.

"...A-Arian," replied the Riolu, rather more lamely.

"What's your business being out and about?" the Machoke interrogated demanded.

I kinda wonder if there should’ve been more of that
:uhhh:
mood emphasized in description prior to this point. Like I get that this is supposed to be a genuinely intimidating experience for Arian and Elvira, but I wonder if it’d help to emphasize the point of “yeah, the shouty muscle-lizard that’s got three times my body mass isn’t going to be someone we can just fight our way through” and sell the point harder that “this is scary and we don’t want to fight this out”.

Thankfully, Elvira knew what to say, having no doubt been grilled by these rogues on a previous occasion. "Just collecting groceries for my mom," she informed answered. "She's not well at the minute, you see, and I have to do all the shopping for her. Hence why we're heading to where the merchants gather."

I am not convinced at all that this is the sort of thing that you want to be telling a street gang that pulls double-duty as regime enforcers. Especially when you and your mother are known blood relatives to a wanted political dissident.
:copyka2~2:


"..." The Machoke considered what he was told. "...Go on, then. But get out of sight quickly afterward."

"Don't worry. We won't be long," the Treecko pledged, before moving on, Arian trailing her. "At least...I hope we won't be long." she muttered, after they were out of earshot of any Thorned Roses.

"Is it a problem if we take a while?" Arian wondered.

Elvira: “Gee, what do you think, Arian?
:eltywtf:


"It might not be. But if we encounter that Machoke again, then we could have a problem on our hands," Elvira insinuated. "It's better that we find something quickly. There's bound to be a clue about [whatever] somewhere…"

I’m assuming that the clue is supposed to be about the disappearances. But it might make sense to explicitly state that as a reminder to the readers that “oh yeah, that’s what the gang’s up to”.

They continued down the street. As they walked down it, Arian noticed something else that was off about the town. This time, though, the evidence was present on the walls.

Graffiti adorned a number of them.

The Riolu was rather surprised by what he saw. A range of different types of graffiti adorned the walls, from artwork to messages. And in the fashion of most graffiti, many of the messages were quite blatant.

So… ‘Viv was here’ and along with lewd scrawls, then? :V

Long live Hinnerk!

Down with Ruslans!

Down with Tsars!

Death to Tsarists!

As a general heads-up, but if you want to offset text encountered in the story like this to set it apart from the surrounding text, consider using indent blocks in [ INDENT ][ /INDENT ] format sans spaces. The net effect would look something like this:

The Riolu was rather surprised by what he saw. A range of different types of graffiti adorned the walls, from artwork to messages. And in the fashion of most graffiti, many of the messages were quite blatant.

Long live Hinnerk!
Down with Ruslans!
Down with Tsars!
Death to Tsarists!

[Blah blah blah, discount propaganda intensifies]

Though I’m assuming the ‘Ruslans’ were the ruling dynasty before Mitrofan threw his weight around. Though I wonder what the story behind their names was?

Arian: “I… think I’d have preferred the lewd scrawls really.” o_o;
Elvira: “Did I ever mention before that Hinnerk’s too cheap to print out propaganda posters? Since yeah, he’s too cheap to print out propaganda posters.” >_>;

They went on. And then there was the art. One of the pictures depicted was the Thorned Roses' logo that was also present on their bands. Another one that caught his eye was the artwork of an Obstagoon. Below it read the message, 'Long live the Boss!'

Oh, so that’s who Hinnerk is. I think.

Hmm...I wonder who that is? pondered Arian. After this art, however, the painted messages returned, and the human found himself reading these as he and Elvira passed them by.

Down with mercs!
All mercs are poofs!
Fuck the Guild!
Mercs can go suck -

Arian turned his head away immediately when he saw the end of the last message.

See the recommendation to use indent blocks earlier, since as you can see, it helps things stand out a bit. Though I see that there were lewd scrawls on the wall after all.

Elvira: “And this is why mom and I normally try to keep to ourselves at our house.” >_>;

Okay...some of these are clearly not worth looking at, he mused, trying to forget what he just read. I did not need to see that. That's properly profane stuff there. This lot looks like a piece of work, alright…

That actually makes me wonder how it is that Elvira and Zenobia haven’t been singled out for harassment by the local TRs, since you’d think that given the sort of rhetoric on display, that there wouldn’t be any shortage of petty bullies looking to get their jollies messing with politically convenient targets that they can casually hold the threat of “disappearing” over their heads should they get uppity in reply.

"And here we are," Elvira said, snapping Arian out of his thoughts. "The main square."

The square in question was once again another sign of the planned nature of the new town of Ozerograd. It was a beautiful construction, reminiscent of the architectural patterns of various towns in eastern Ardalion. It wasn't so much a 'square' - the streets sprouted out from it in a radial pattern, and the buildings surrounding it gave the plaza a more circular shape. In the centre of it, there lay fountains, as well as what seemed to be a plinth. However, oddly enough, where there should have been a monument or a statue, nothing stood atop it.

Translation: Something used to be there, but it got torn down after the town entered new management.

Though that actually makes me wonder if the new part of Ozerograd is a town built in the middle of a star fort. Since the description of the square and the streets surrounding it reminds me a lot of some towns that are built in the center of such fortifications like Palmanova.

Arian's attention was partially on the square's eye-catching design. However, he couldn't focus on it for long: This was because there were several Thorned Roses were prowling around the square, patrolling the area and using their usual intimidation tactics on anyone else. It proved They seemed to be working, given the lack of regular people in the square. And even those that were still there dutifully stayed promptly away from the fountains and plinth.

Arian: “Seriously, if they don’t want others getting near those things, why on earth haven’t they been torn down? You’d think that’d make these thugs’ jobs a lot easier for them.”
:eltyunamused:


"Hmm…I wonder if the noticeboard still has anything on it." Elvira pointed to one of the streets directly across from them. "It used to be for posting missions for mercenaries to take. I don't know if people would be brave enough to post a mission that could potentially get them targeted by the Thorned Roses. Let's check it anyway. You never know."

Narrator:
bender-laughing.gif

Elvira: “You know, you could try being supportive of us.”
:unimpressed:


This, however, did meant crossing the square filled with Thorned Roses. Arian and Elvira both braced themselves for the piercing glares as they began their stroll across the plaza. They tried to act casual, but that didn't prevent them from feeling the intimidating gazes of the gang members they passed by.

Arian: “Elvira, seriously. Who on earth would post a mission in an environment like this?!”
:grohno~2:

Elvira: “Look, it can’t hurt to check at least.”

Worse still, just when they were about to leave the square for the desired street…

"Stop right there, you two."

Elvira: “... Or maybe it can after all.”
:uhhh:


The voice stopped the two in their tracks. While it wasn't a commanding shout like the Machoke from before, it was a voice that was chilling enough to halt Arian and Elvira, and make them look around to see who the owner's voice belonged to.

Their question on that front was soon answered, when the sound of a snake's hiss pierced through the air, and in front of them slithered a Seviper. The scarf around his neck with the same red band indicated him to be a Thorned Rose.

TR!Seviper: “And just what do you two brats think you’re doing?”
Arian: “S-Sightseeing?”
:fearfullaugh~1:

TR!Seviper: “Really now? Since I could’ve sworn you two were talking about checking mission postings.”
Arian: “... (He could hear that?!)” O_O;

"Well well well," he uttered, his voice oily, slimy and unpleasant to listen to. "Who do we have here? A Riolu and a Treecko...neither of whom are residents of this town. Whatever are you doing in our domain?"

He proved to be greatly unnerving. His voice was the same kind that could send a shiver down one's spine. Immediately, Arian and Elvira were alike in the same thought.

Please get me out of this conversation.

I take it that Elvira doesn’t normally come into town given that the local TRs aren’t familiar with her. Probably for the best, really, since I’m not convinced that these trips into Ozerograd several orders of magnitude more unpleasant were the rank-and-file aware that she was Kallas’ daughter.

"We're...fetching materials for my mom," Elvira said, choosing the same excuse as she'd used earlier. However, this time, she wasn't as confident as before, due to the Seviper's unnerving presence and the leer he was giving the both of them. As such, the delivery came out a tad feeble.

"Are you now?" The grin he was giving them could only be described as a malicious one; as if he loved intimidating other Pokémon like this the treatment of this kind of intimidation.

Arian: “Seriously, I thought that your species’ ability was supposed to be Shed Skin!”
:eltyscared:

TR!Seviper: “Have you tried crying more about it? So really now, what were you going to do with that mission board, huh?”

"Y-Yes," the Treecko answered, still perturbed by the snake's presence. "Really, it's true! My mom's not well at the moment, and so I have to do the shopping for her." It of course wasn't the reason, but Elvira wasn't content with telling full-on lies. If she did, no doubt this Seviper would see through them.

TR!Seviper: “Tch, like you’re really being convincing right now.”

"That's what they all say," came the viper's reply. "It's a brilliant excuse, isn't it? Just the way to garner sympathy. Hah! That might work on most people, but it doesn't work in this town!"

Ah yes, so basically this TR is giving the old:

giphy.gif


treatment.

"It's true, though!" pleaded Elvira. "My mom really is - "

[ ]

"Shut up, wench," the Seviper hissed. "You're in the territory of the Thorned Roses now. You should know better than to throw such that sort of sentimental crap in our faces. I certainly couldn't give a damn about your problems. After all, you do know who you face, do you not?"

Well, I suppose that’s one sign that the Thorned Roses is a heavily male-dominated institution. I do wonder if this might have benefitted from some body language or the like to sell the sense that the Seviper is messing with Elvira and having his patience run short such as slashing at air next to Elvira or doing a fakeout lunge. Since… yeah, he kinda gives off the give to get his jollies from watching random peasants squirm.

"Um...no?" Arian said. "Are you a bigshot in the Thorned Roses or something?"

"Congratulations. You are correct," the Seviper replied. "I am Mikhail. The Thorned Roses' second-in-command, second only to the Boss." He licked his lips with a grin of superiority. "Did you think you could lie to my face and get away with it?"

Oh. Oh dear. So he’s that Seviper from earlier.
:copyka2~2:


Though somehow, I doubt that this Mik is magically going to turn out to be hundreds of years old or have a tragic backstory that winds up improving my opinion of him. Probably about as popular with the ladies with that attitude on display earlier, though.

"We're not lying," Arian insisted. "It's the truth! Get that into your serpentine brain and let us get on with our business!"

de7.png


Though I’m surprised that now of all times, Arian is snapping into “upset indignation” mode since from the earlier bits where he and Elvira were running into TRs, he vibed as being intimidated alongside her. It might have made sense to build up to his moment a bit, whether before his line, or as a post-facto “something snapped with Arian and he looks pissed” immediately after his line.

Elvira:
whywouldyoudothat.jpg

Arian: “Huh? Was it something I said?”

[ ]

"...Oh? How interesting. We appear to have a backtalker in our midst," Mikhail observed. "Do you know what happens to those that dare to talk back to me?"

I’d recommend throwing in a short paragraph showing off Mikhail’s change in mood. Since if he’s meant to have gotten annoyed/pissed over Arian’s sass, he’s not really showing it at the moment.

Elvira: “Um. Arian. I think that we should run now-”
:eltyscared:


Before Arian could react, the Seviper suddenly launched towards him, and struck slashed his tail across the Riolu's midsection abdomen. Arian eliciting a screamed in of pain from the amnesiac blow as [ ].

"Arian!" Elvira cried.

Left some sundry suggestions to reflow this section. I left the final brackets open-ended, but IMO it’d work best describing some sort of reaction from Elvira given that she reacts to things right afterwards in dialogue.

[ ]

"They get poisoned!" Mikhail cackled. "Learn your place and pick fights you'll actually win, runt. That ought to teach you never to stand up to me again. Perhaps the poison'll knock some sense into you! Keh hah hah hah!"

Laughing evilly, he slithered away, proud of his handiwork. [ ]

"Arian! Are you alright?" Elvira asked, checking on her partner.

This section feels like it’d work with a bit of added description. The first block from some sort of description of Elvira going for Arian and/or some sort of body language from Mikhail taking in his handiwork. The second feels like it could stand to have a sentence or two thrown in to recenter things on Elvira as she focuses on Arian busy lying on the ground having Seviper problems.

Arian: “Obviously not.”
:eltydizzy:


"Urgh...N-No," the Riolu answered. "I...I don't feel so great all of a sudden…" His hand went to his head, and he began panting.

"...Wait a minute." Elvira took a look at where Mikhail had struck, and his words came back to her when she saw a purplish stain amongst the bleeding wound. Immediately, she knew what it was.

"You've been poisoned!" she cried. "Oh no...and I don't have any Pecha Berries on me! Quick! We have to find a shop that sells them!"

Mikhail: “Are you deaf? I said I poisoned him just three paragraphs ago-”
Elvira: “Go away, seriously! You’re not even supposed to be in this scene anymore!” >.<

"But...what about…?" The Riolu looked in the direction of where the noticeboard was located. He could see it, in fact, located a little down the street they were about to go down.

"Never mind that! We have to heal your poison right away, before it gets worse!" Elvira frantically informed him. "I know where to go. Do you need me to help you walk?"

Arian: “Wait, but aren’t we supposed to have Pecha Berries for this? You have one on you, don’t you?”
Elvira: “...”
:fearfullaugh~1:

Arian: “... Fantastic.” ._.

"I...think I'll be alright for now," Arian responded, his voice coming out in pants. "I could be worse. Really, I can still walk."

"...Alright," Elvira permitted, as she turned and headed for another exit of the square, two exits to the right of the street with the noticeboard on it. "But don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it."

"R-Right…"

Wait, is Arian still lying on the ground right now? Or did he sit up / stand up during all of this? Since I don’t think that it was ever described.

They started down the street. As they left the square, Elvira could hear snickers and bemused laughter from the Thorned Roses at what just occurred. She thought she even heard one remark, "Serves him right." The viewing of what had happened made Elvira's lips curl in anger, and she had half a mind to turn around and yell a condemning remark at them.

I’m a little surprised that the peanut gallery wasn’t already laughing at Arian and remarking on how things turned out the moment that Mikhail wrecked him. Especially if watching Mikhail ruin some unfortunate peasant’s day is a bit of a spectator sport for them as this paragraph seems to imply.

TR!Random: “Go ahead, brat. Make my day.
:trollzel:

Elvira: “... Okay, on second thought, that would be really, really ill-advised right now.” o_o;

No, she then thought to herself. That'll only create more problems than it'll solve. Arian needs help - that's the priority right now. Choosing to block out the remarks of the gang members, she continued down into the street, with Arian trailing behind her.

Occasionally, the Riolu would let out a visible wince as the poison gradually worsened. Elvira heard this, and crossed her fingers that he wouldn't faint on the spot.

Wait, but how do you hear a visible wince? Shouldn’t it be an ‘audible’ one in that case?

Hang in there, Arian. We'll get through this.

Elvira: “Because this is going to be a really short story if you don’t.” ._.;

Eventually, the street ended in a T-junction. It was lucky that Elvira knew Ozerograd well, and thus knew where to go. She turned right, and Arian followed.

I actually didn’t realize that Elvira was particularly knowledgeable about how to get around Ozerograd given that none of the TRs displayed any real level of familiarity with her. Is the implication that she used to spend more time in town before everything went pear-shaped with the end of the Ruslans?

This street eventually opened out into a wider street, and where they ended up had Arian looking around in slight wonderment, despite his current condition. It looked rather major busy, as if it was a place of importance. A number of merchants' stalls were set up along the street, and along with that, a number of prominent buildings were also present in this area.

Arian: “... I don’t suppose that someone around here has a Pecha Berry we could use?” ^^;

"This is the merchants' quarter," Elvira explained to him. "Hopefully there's a merchant selling a pecha berry or a heal seed or something to cure the poison…" She walked down the street with her partner, keeping her eyes peeled for a vendor that did sell such items.

Arian: “Oh, thank goodness. I was starting to get worried.”
:sweats:


Eventually, they found one, being run by a Sandslash and a Midnight Lycanroc.

"Hello there, young'uns," greeted the latter, a male Lycanroc. "What are you lookin' for?"

Not that Elvira and Arian would exactly be in sightseeing mode with Arian poisoned and sporting a prominent slash wound, but this feels like things are a bit underdescribed for arriving at a new location. Like even if Arian’s vision is starting to blur and he and Elvira are heavily speedrunning going through the market, that they’d still notice a handful of distinct features and the crowds of nearby Pokémon backing away and looking on in concern.

- Elvira points at Arian’s poisoned wound -
Elvira: “Um, hello? Something to deal with that would be nice!”

"Do you have any pecha berries or heal seeds?" Elvira immediately asked. "Please, my friend's been poisoned, and he needs to be healed! We have to heal him before it gets worse!"

She looked back at Arian, who was beginning to look worse for wear. He was now unable to hide the pain he was feeling from the poison.

Elvira: “Seriously, how do you two not notice the huge slash wound?!” >_>;

"Yes, we do," the Lycanroc told her, picking out a pecha berry from the merchandise. "That'll be 80 Poké, please."

Arian: “How are you just this unbothered by someone lurching up to your market stall with a bleeding abdominal wound?” .-.
Lycanroc: “Kid, we live in a Russian-themed setting. A post-revolutionary Russian-themed setting. Stuff happens. You get used to it.”

Then it dawned on Elvira.

"I don't have any money!" she realised. "But I do have this cheque. I'll just go to the bank with it. Could you just hold on a minute? It's just across there, I'll be back in a jiffy. I promise I'll have your money. Until then, though - "

I’m surprised that Elvira is even considering going to the bank or checks instead of just going full “I promise I’ll pay you back, just please, help him!” considering how grave Arian’s described condition is.

"Don't panic, dear," the Sandslash suddenly interjected. "You'll work yourself into a tizzy. Tell you what: take it for free. Your friend is more important than some gold."

[ ]


"Are you certain, Caitríona?" the Lycanroc asked. "She'll have the money…"

[ ]


"No, Conall, it's best to help these people out," Caitríona reasoned. "They're not Thorned Roses. That's reason enough to help them. Besides, it's only a pecha berry they want. We can miss 80P."

Not 80 considering the setting? (Yes, yes, I know that the real period-theme appropriate symbol should be different from that, but still.)
:bleplithe:


Though I wonder if the name of the currency should’ve been explicitly namedropped instead of just given the symbol. (e.x. ‘Poké’, ‘rubles’, etc.) Also, this feels like another section that would’ve benefitted from interleaving the given dialogue a bit more with some described reactions and body language.

"Alright, then. Take it." Conall handed Elvira the berry.

"Thank you. Thank you so much," the Treecko said with gratitude, before handing Arian the berry. The Riolu bit into it, and quickly dug into it.

I kinda wonder if the “with gratitude” part should’ve been handled by body language before Elvira’s line. Since something about saying she’s saying it with gratitude feels like it’s ‘telling’ things more than ‘showing’ them.

"Mmm…nice," Arian said. "I like those." Guess not all medicine tastes horrible here, huh?

[ ]

"How do you feel, Arian?" the Treecko asked.

Might have been a moment worth dropping in a brief description of some combination of Arian finishing up his Pecha Berry and Elvira reacting to him. Since something about this dialogue feels fairly disembodied ATM.

Arian: “Peachy. Literally, even.”
Elvira: “... Wait, but didn’t that just heal your poisoning and not your actual abdominal wound?”
:copyka2~2:


"You know, now that you mention it…yeah, I can already feel that poison going away," Arian reported, feeling slightly more confident. "I just might need a moment to fully recover." As he said this, he sat down at the kerb.

Arian: “Not least of all because I think that I’m still bleeding right now.” ^^;

"Okay. I'll wait for you," Elvira said to him. "When you're ready, we'll go to the Klefki Bank and deposit this cheque. It's over there." She pointed to a building on the opposite side of the street to them further down.

Wait, but I thought that Conall and Caitríona said that they didn’t need to pay for the stuff they took from them. And I didn’t remember Elvira mentioning a ‘cheque’ at all prior to meeting them.

"Excuse me," the Sandslash from before said, drawing the duo's attention. "We didn't get your names."

[ ]


"Oh, of course. I'm Elvira, and this is Arian," introduced the Treecko replied.

[ ]


"Nice to meet you. I'm Caitríona, and this is my husband, Conall," the Sandslash returned.

"Are you two from around here?" wondered the Lycanroc.

A couple of little sections where IMO adding a little bit of description here or there about how the characters are reacting would go a long way to helping to ground how your audience visualizes things a bit more firmly.

"Yes. I live just outside of town, and Arian's living with me at the minute," Elvira informed the two. She reasoned it was best to simplify the matter of her partner, whose situation would only provoke more questions that she didn't necessarily know the answers to. "We're in town today to...um…"

IMO, your middle sentence is long and idea-dense enough that you probably want to at a minimum split it into two. It might be best to make it a whole different paragraph entirely independent of the two bits of dialogue, but I opted for a more minimalistic suggestion here.

She hesitated briefly here. She knew that she should keep the truth of her and Arian's status as unofficial mercenaries on the down low, lest they be harassed by the Thorned Roses. However, she realised that these two merchants were hardly in league with the infamous gang. And a brief look around this street showed that very few Thorned Roses were in the vicinity of this street.

Elvira sucked in a breath, and decided, therefore, to tell the truth.

Went out on a limb on a couple of these suggestions, though that’s a bold assumption if I ever heard one given that mafias throughout history have loved collecting protection money from local businesses. Something that I can’t imagine the TRs are above if Mik’s behavior is anything to go by.

I kinda wonder if Elvira should’ve been a bit more specific about what about these two makes her confident she and Arian can trust them. My assumption is that it’s from their behavior where they were willing to take a small loss to help them out, but it might be more impactful for showing the gears turn in Elvira’s head to say that outright.

"We're investigating the Thorned Roses," she said, in a hushed tone. "Specifically, it's about the disappearances of certain people around Ozerograd. Those that the Thorned Roses don't take kindly to. Do you two know anything about that?"

Cue the nervous [wtfuckle] faces from behind the counter in 3… 2…

[ ]

"...As a matter of fact, we do," Caitríona replied, unable to hide her surprise at the question. "Should I tell them, Conall?"

"Well… how about this? You do us a favor, and we’ll help you out with your investigation," The Lycanroc considered offered. "...How about this? As it so happens, there's something we need to retrieve for a certain someone we know. But if you do it for us, then you can get we’ll give you that info you want. Maybe even with a little bit of cash. Just like a merc would, eh? Whaddaya say?"

[ ]


"...We accept," Elvira said, surprised at the mention of mercenaries from the wolf.

I left some suggestions for how to reflow Conall’s line to sound a bit more natural and not beat around the bush as much about “you help us, and we’ll help you back”. Though This is another part where taking some time to show off character reactions from both sides would go a long way to painting more of a clear mental image for your readers and adding some natural pauses in between lines.

"Good on you." Conall flashed a grin at them. "The item's a Sandy Torc. It should be located in Blossoming Meadow, that Mystery Dungeon just outside the old town. It was on…what floor did she say again, Ríona?"

- Fires up Bulbapedia in the background -

Oh, so a Sky-exclusive item, huh? That’s certainly a neat tie-in there since you don’t see a lot of fics even acknowledge them.

"It was in the grove, I think," Caitríona recalled. "That's where Lillian thinks she lost it, anyway."

Arian: “Wait, who’s ‘Lilian’ again-?”
Conall: “Someone we know that you don’t need to. (Seriously, Caitríona, don’t run your mouth off so quickly!)” >_>;

"There ya go, then. Find the Sandy Torc in the grove of Blossoming Meadow," Conall said to them. "Good luck to you, kiddos."

"We'll bring it back to you," Arian replied. "But you'd better give us information in return."

"You don't have to worry about that, kid. We don't break promises," the Lycanroc returned.

"Good. Come on, Elvira, let's go," Arian said to his partner.

"Not yet," Elvira responded. "We need to get money and prepare to go out there. It's not too dangerous a place by Mystery Dungeon standards, but it never hurts to be prepared."

This… is quite a bit of dialogue without any intervening body language or description. It might make sense to drop in at least one or two paragraphs into this section to interleave them into the surrounding dialogue.

"Gotcha. You said this in Verdant Woods. At least we have a bag this time…" Arian's voice drifted away from the stand as he and his partner walked towards the Klefki Bank to withdraw funds from. [ ]

"So…they're tryin' to figure that mystery too, eh?" Conall's paw went to his chin.

"Yes. Just like our own folks," Caitríona murmured. "What a coincidence."

It probably makes sense to add in 1-2 sentences of “transition” towards Conall and Caitríona’s perspective, since even from an omniscient perspective, there’s not a firm refocusing on them as the center of attention, so the switch over to “we’re still with Conall and Caitríona” comes off as a bit jarring.

"It's gotta be fate," the Lycanroc said. "...Ya think we should tell 'em? About the whole…y'know…"

[ ]


"No." The Sandslash shook her head. "Not here, anyway."

[ ]


"But Ríona…you know he's looking out for more folks." Conall sounded dismayed. "They might only be young'uns, but they might well have potential. And you know he's all about the potential of his recruits."

Another section that would benefit from added body language / described reaction. Though these two have connections to some sort of dissident / resistance movement, huh? Since it sure feels like they do right about now.

"If we do tell them, it'll have to be in a secret sort of way. I'm not letting Lillian, Ishmael and Axel's cover be blown over this."

Yeah, I rest my case.

"Alright, Ríona, I getcha." The wolf was deep in thought. "Hmm...I'll think of a way to tell 'em when they come back. We can tell 'em with what we know about them vanishings.

"Because they deserve to know…just what's being planned."

Oh, well that doesn’t sound ominous at all there.
:copyka:


"Blossoming Meadow's out to the north of town," Elvira explained to Arian, as they left the merchants' quarter.

They turned in the cheque at the Klefki Bank, an enterprise run by the aforementioned Key Ring Pokémon, and spent a portion of the money on items for the delve into the Mystery Dungeon at Caitríona and Conall's stand. [ ]

"It's not too far away, thankfully, and it's not that deep a Dungeon. With any luck, we can get it over with quickly."

IMO, your paragraph here is dense enough that it should be hacked up into separate parts. The middle doesn’t quite work on its own standalone, which probably would justify putting in some sort of extension to the effect of “before they knew it, they were already on their way out of town” or something like that.

"So it should be fairly easy?" Arian guessed.

bender-laughing.gif


Arian, when has going into Mystery Dungeons in any Mystery Dungeon media been a “fairly easy” endeavor?

"Famous last words, Arian. Remember, we're still very new at this," Elvira reminded. "Please don't overestimate your capabilities."

"Right," Arian acknowledged.

Arian: “... Weren’t you the one who went along with me just the other day into one of those Mystery Dungeons without that ‘Escape Orb’ thingy-?” >_>;
Elvira: “Hey, that was an oversight!” >.<

"How's your injury?"

Arian: “... Wait, did we ever actually treat the cut part of that injury? Or has it coagulated by now?” ^^;

"It's still a bit sore."

Although the poison from Mikhail's Poison Tail attack had been healed up, he still felt sore where the Seviper had struck. If there were any others in the Thorned Roses as sadistic as that, then I'd much rather spend as little time in this town as possible.

"But how do we get out to the north? Where's that exit?"

Another paragraph that works better in parts, though I’m surprised Arian didn’t inspect his wound to show off how good (or not) of a job that healing did to him.

"Well, from here…" Elvira considered the route in her head. "...I know a way. Follow me."

"Okay," Arian agreed. "You clearly know this town better than I do, so...follow the leader, I guess."

"It's not 'follow the leader,'" Elvira corrected. "We're equal partners in this relationship, Arian. ...But I do know Ozerograd well. I used to spend hours playing on these streets when I was a kid. I know them like the back of my hand.."

Arian: “... That sounds an awful lot like ‘follow the leader’, just saying.”
Elvira: “Look, it’s more along the lines of ‘follow the local contact’, alright?” -_-;

"...Alright then, partner. Guide me."

Together, they walked through Ozerograd's streets. The path would've normally been a straightforward one to the northern exit of town. But Elvira chose to go a back route there, in the hope that they would encounter less Thorned Roses as a result.

Wait, if we’re from an omniscient perspective right now, how do we know what the path would’ve ‘normally’ been given that that’s a frame of reference that Elvira specifically have? It might make sense to throw in something like “Elvira explained that the path [...]” or something like that.

The route in question took them through a number of back alleys and residential houses. Most of which, to Arian's shock, looked dilapidated and boarded up.

"What is all this…?" He looked around him. "What happened here?"

"Evictions," Elvira told him. "You've heard about the rents from Tam. This street was already a poor part of town. It appears the Thorned Roses really didn't take kindly to them." She gazed at all of the houses, a bitter look on her face.

I’m surprised that Hinnerk is just leaving those houses with evicted tenants stay empty instead of filling them with new ones or else letting his goons put them to use. Though I suppose if he had an axe to grind against their neighbors or wanted to deliberately tank property values for future buyouts, a little bit of urban blight would go a long way towards that.

"...Weird," Arian mentioned. "It looks abandoned. But…it's like I'm being watched." He suddenly went on edge. "Is it the Thorned Roses?"

"I don't think so," Elvira replied. "People still live in these houses. Some have boarded up their houses to reinforce barricade themselves against a being evicted by the Thorned Roses eviction, or to give the impression it's been abandoned already. Like that house there." The Treecko pointed to a house with bricks on the window, and boards over the door. It did look like an abandoned house, alright.

Just saying, lingering in a place like this feels like a fantastic way to wind up getting murdered by a squatter paranoid that you’re going to sell him and his roomies out.

"That's awful…" Arian happened to look looked at the windows of one of the houses, and caught sight of a Blipbug. But once they did, the Bug-type immediately jumped and disappeared from view. "I can feel that fear. It seems to linger in this place..."

His sorrow turned to anger. "Geez, how horrible do you have to be to think it's fun to kick people out of their own home and cart them off to who knows where?"

Elvira: “Well, Mik seems to think it’s the funniest thing in the world, and you’ve seen what he’s like, so…” >_>;

"Very horrible, indeed," agreed Elvira. "But ranting about it within the town's walls won't do anything to help us. We need to keep going."

They kept going. [ ] But Not long after having this their conversation, they came across a dreadful scene.

On one of the doorsteps of the houses, Arian and Elvira spotted a Florges with red leaves. She looked middle-aged, and to the duo's concern, was weeping.

Oh, well this is going to go places in short order. Though IMO, your middle paragraph would benefit from something to the effect of Arian and Elvira acknowledging their surroundings but opting to continue on.

"No…No, please. What mother am I to leave her little girl behind?"

Daughter? That caught Arian's attention. Curious, he went to ask. "Excuse me, ma'am," he said to her. "Are you alright?"

The Florges sniffled for some time before looking up with tearful eyes at the Riolu and answering his question.

"No…My daughter's gone missing," she confessed. "My little girl…Her name's Iona. We were visiting the Blossoming Meadow, but we were chased by a wild Pokémon. I made it to the stairs in time, but I was separated from Iona. And now she's all alone in that place…"

:FearfulMeowth:


Oh yeah, I’m sure that that totally ended well.

Arian: “I’m sorry, but why didn’t you go and try and find someone to help?” ._.
Florges: “Riolu, have you seen this neighborhood? Just who am I supposed to go and ask?!” O_O;

[ ]

"Oh no," Elvira murmured. "Is she young?"

"Yes. She's only five. She's the only family I have left, now that my husband was stolen away by those monsters. I couldn't bear to lose her too…"

It might make sense to give Elvira some explicit reaction / body language here such that Arian can read it and understand that things are getting serious. Though what on earth is this ‘mon’s day job such that she’s bringing a little kid off into an environment with the equivalent of wild animals roaming around?

"That's not good at all…" The mention of the Florges' husband reminded the two of why they were in town in the first place. "We have to find her, Arian."

"Lucky we're headed there, anyway," the Riolu said. "Don't worry, ma'am! We'll have your kid back safe and sound!"

[ ]


"Oh…Oh thank you so much…Please find her!"

I realize this is probably getting a bit broken-record tier right now, but yeah. I imagine that you had a mental image in mind for what it looked like for Florges reacting to Arian and Elvira’s offer to help.

"We will. Come on, Elvira. Let's go!" Arian saw no point in hanging around, and made his way through the winding streets.

<><><>


Eventually, the narrow street ended as a side street to a wider road. Looking to their left, Arian could see an exit to the town, marked with an arch and a portcullis.

"Is that the exit to the north?" he asked her.

"Yes, it is," came Elvira's confirmation.

Part of me wonders if this section should’ve been just cut into two separate scenes, since there’s a fairly abrupt transition between Elvira and Arian leaving the Florges behind and them making it to the gate that feels jarring seeing it all together in one continuous take that doesn’t feel so after a “fast forward” for some reason.

"But...there's Thorned Roses there," Arian pointed out.

This Sure enough, it was true: there were two Pokémon with that blasted red bands guarding the entrance.

Went out on a limb a bit, but I think that your second paragraph can be reflowed to sound a bit smoother with some word and phrasing tweaks. I left some suggestions to consider playing around with.

"There's no way around it," Elvira sighed. "I don't want to interact with them either. But there's no other path out of town."

Elvira, this is what hitchhiking on wagons or the like is for. Is it foolproof? No. But I’d put money on it being a better idea than this.

"If you say so." The disappointment was clear in the Riolu's voice.

They walked towards the arch. When they approached it, the two Thorned Roses that were there immediately called out to them. They were a Krokorok and a Gligar, and both did not look the kind of Pokémon one would want to mess with.

Arian: “Wait, but we both have type advantages against the Krokorok-”
Elvira: “Who almost certainly massively outlevels us. And we’re both weak against the Gligar.” ._.
Arian: “Right, I knew that.”

"Hey!" the Gligar called out. "You gotta pay if you want to leave town!"

"Them's the breaks! Now hand over the moolah!" the Krokorok, who had an intriguing accent, demanded.

And this is why it would’ve been a good idea to hitchhike on a wagon, you two. If you don’t get noticed, you don’t pay diddly.

"I have the money. Don't worry," Elvira replied, her tone slightly snappy. She reached into her bag and dug out 100P. "There. Take it."

"Good," muttered the Krokorok, after counting the coins. "Now go. Scram!"

Arian:
easy-button-that-was-easy.gif

Elvira: “Easy for you to say. That hundred Poké’s going to be a pain in the butt to earn back.” >_>;

They didn't need to be told twice. If it meant getting away from the Thorned Roses, then Arian and Elvira were all in favour of getting away from town. They briskly made their way out of Ozerograd, and into the open countryside.

Arian: “Actually, wait. I just realized. Why didn’t we just take the tunnel that led out of Tamara’s house again? Since it got us into Ozerograd without being noticed just fine…”
Elvira: “... I wanted to make things snappy since there was that kid lost in the Mystery Dungeon? (Though in retrospect, I suppose I ought to have explained that a bit more explicitly.)”
:joltyshrug~1:


Once the town was a comfortable distance away, the human-turned Pokémon took in a breath of fresh air.

"Ahh…" he breathed. "Thank God. No more Thorned Roses to worry about out here."

"I wouldn't say that too soon," advised Elvira. "Remember yesterday? They're not just present in Ozerograd, but in the surrounding vicinity, too. Just because we're out of town doesn't mean we should drop our guard. We might even find some in Blossoming Meadow."

Arian: “... Of course.” >.<

[ ]

"Hopefully we don't," Arian wished. "Especially not Pokémon as devious vicious as that Mikhail fellow." He shuddered at the memory of the wicked viper.

This feels like another part where describing Arian’s reaction to finding out that he’s not as safe as he hoped would have a bit more impact. Also, while describing Mikhail as ‘devious’ isn’t wrong per se, it feels a bit understated since that emphasizes connotations of ‘dishonesty’. It might be worth considering something more blunt like ‘vicious’ or ‘nasty’ or the like.

"Here's hoping. Who knows what they might do if those rotters found an innocent little girl out here alone in the meadow?" Elvira brought up. "We should move quickly."

"Agreed."

I think that it might make sense to be explicit about who ‘they’ are, since while Arian and Elvira were in town, they were worried primarily of how Florges’ child would fare if wilds set upon her. They’re now considering a second threat that they hadn’t thought of earlier.

They walked along the path for the next a good while afterwards. During this time their trek, Arian took the time to look at his surroundings. And once again, they which were as alluring as always. Not only was the greenery of the trees and grasses ever present, but the view also included the lake that Ozerograd had previously been built near.

Some small rephrasing suggestions for this paragraph.

"What's the name of that lake?" he asked Elvira.

"Lake Lazurny." the Treecko answered. " It's the lake that regularly flooded the old town of Ozerograd, It's also and where the town still gets its water from,” " the Treecko answered. "There’s have an ingenious system of channels that get water to public taps in the town, so the people can still get water as easily as they once did.

[ ]

It's a good thing they did that as even now, that it’s there, really,” she sighed. “Even when the Thorned Roses have put tolls up to those entering and leaving town, people can still get water."

Wait, but Lake Lazurny’s name was already revealed in the story right at the beginning. If it’s meant to be introduced in-story to Arian here, it probably makes sense to not bring it up earlier on, since otherwise this bit feels repetitive.

Also, your paragraph is such that it could probably afford to be refactored a bit, and split up since it’s a bit on the long side.

But despite her words being slightly optimistic, Arian could sense worry in her emotions. He wondered to himself if it was to do with the Thorned Roses, but...something about the way her expression made him think it was something else.

Wait, sense worry as in he hears it? Or is that his aura senses in play? If it’s the latter, it might make sense to play up a bit how Arian is finding it weird or else how he doesn’t know how he can sense Elvira’s worry, but knows it’s there or something like that.

Hang on, I remember. She felt that same worry when we were crawling through the undergrowth earlier this morning. Is there a connection? Should I ask her?

Yeah, it’s his aura senses. Noted.

"There's still people living down there in the old town," Elvira continued. "But it's a shell of what it once was. You couldn't call it a town anymore. Especially when you compare it to the new town. Ozerograd was made a lot bigger when it moved to where it is now. Few would say that was a bad thing for the place. It used to be a backwater place, but now it's more prosperous in the eyes of the tsar. ...Well, it used to be, anyway. Before all this happened…"

Elvira: “Well, except for everyone living in Old Ozerograd, but that place was honestly a dive even before Hinnerk came along.”

"...A shame...Hopefully, prosperity will return," Arian said, with some hope in his voice. However, he knew in his head such a thing would falter before reality.

Wait, how does Arian know that again when he’s seen Ozerograd for all of a couple hours at most? It might make sense to have him dwell on specific things that he saw in town that make him doubtful that Ozerograd will recover, since I’m not sure that the present formulation really sells the sense of his doubt of “... yeah, this place is never getting better, is it?” that we’re told exists. I guess we don’t really “see” it play out in Arian’s thought process?

"...Yeah...hopefully." Elvira, at least, carried that hope in her heart, that one day Ozerograd would live to see a day without the Thorned Roses. "...But that's for another time. For now...let's focus on the present. Let's rescue this child of the Florges."

Similar dynamic where we’re told that Elvira feels a certain way, but it feels a bit disconnected. Taking some time to show the proverbial wheels turning would likely help hammer home the vibe a bit harder.

They walked a bit further down the road. Arian looked around him in curiosity.

"So...where is this Blossoming Meadow?" he wondered.

"It's slightly off the beaten track, like Verdant Woods," Elvira informed. "But you can't miss the path for it. There's clear signage for it when we get to it. It's just before that wooded area." She pointed to a treescape ahead of them.

"Gotcha," Arian understood replied.

Arian: “Wait, so what do Pokémon do there such that they’d bring little kids along, anyways?”
Elvira: “I dunno, didn’t really think of asking the Florges, really.”
:joltyshrug~1:


They continued on for a bit longer. Arian looked to the left, where from the road they were on, a vantage point of the lake could be seen. Curiously, though, he noted the sight of what there appeared to be a small settlement down near the water's edge. and Heading away from it, there was a road that appeared to lead away from it go and towards the same wood that Blossoming Meadow was located in. Based on what he'd been Elvira told earlier, the Riolu believed he knew the answer mysterious town was.

Throwing out some odds and ends changes that I’d recommend for making this paragraph flow a bit smoother.

"Is that the old town down there that you were talking about earlier?" he asked.

"Hm?" Elvira looked over to where the Riolu was pointing. [ ]

"Yes, it is. But that area tended to flood a lot when the autumn storms came in, so they moved the town to higher ground,” she explained. “It doesn't quite stand up to the new Ozerograd, in my opinion. But don't say that too loud. Some of the people that live down there don't take too kindly to their settlement being compared to the new town."

"...Noted," Arian said.

IMO, Elvira’s paragraph would work a bit better hacked up with a small extension slotted into the first part where Elvira turns and notices Old Ozerograd a bit more explicitly and has some sort of reaction or something like that.

Arian: “I mean, the new town is a cesspool riddled with open gang activity, so just how bad is the old one, then?”
:FearfulMeowth:


Silence reigned for another while, until the duo eventually reached a small crossroads. A sign was there prior to it to tell them what was in each direction.

Iria
Ozerograd Quay, Lake Lazurny
Blossoming Meadow

"Ah, there we go!" Arian pointed out, noting the third line of the sign. "Blossoming Meadow, to the right."

Once again, recommending an indent block to help differentiate the text of the signage from the rest of the story text.

"Yes. It's down this way," Elvira confirmed. She headed to the right, with Arian following closely behind. "It'll be another short walk to the Mystery Dungeon."

[ ]


"Have you been here before?" Arian wondered.

"A few times. I'd visit it with Dad a few times when I was younger to hone my skills by battling the Pokémon that live in the meadow. I'd also visit it with Flora and Tamara to gather flowers for the florist's that Flora's parents run."

Oh, I suppose ‘gathering flowers to sell’ or something like that would explain what the Florges was up to. Even if I kinda wonder if that should’ve been explicitly stated earlier on. Though if Arian’s meant to be surprised at how nonchalant / familiar she seems with the place, it might make sense to show that off a bit more in his described reaction or else internal thought process.

"I see...Well, it is called Blossoming Meadow. I'd be a tad disappointed if I didn't see any flowers."

"You won't be. This place is full of them. ...Speaking of which, there it is." Elvira pointed to a point off straight ahead of them. "The Mystery Dungeon entrance."

Once again, Arian caught sight of the same unusual phenomenon he'd seen at the entrance to Verdant Woods. There was a point in the path ahead of them where it seemed to be obfuscated and unclear, even as they got close.

That is bizarre, alright. ...But it's how this world works. No choice but to get used to the workings of it.

Arian: “I’m honestly a bit shocked that with how big of a doorstopper those books on the shelf at Elvira’s house are, that none of them have any explanation for what on earth causes that. .-.

"You ready to head in, Arian?" Elvira asked.

"...Yes, I am."

And so the two walked into the Mystery Dungeon.

Arian: “It’s a flower meadow, just how bad can it be?”
:joltyshrug~1:

Elvira: “... Actually, wait. Arian, I did remember to bring my bag with me before we entered, right?”
Arian: “... Me and my big mouth.” ._.

Blossoming Meadow
1F

Once again, Arian found himself in the strange reality of another Mystery Dungeon. He and Elvira found themselves in a room with a number of different exits, just like in Verdant Woods.

However, this area wasn't quite as densely forested as Verdant Woods was. It was still full of trees and vegetation, but more commonly seen now were hedgerows and bushes were more commonly scattered about. More than that, however, A bigger difference still quickly became apparent, as a casual glance around revealed there was something abundant in the meadow…

"Flowers," remarked Arian, staring at the scenes before him in slight bewilderment. "There's flowers everywhere…in all sorts of colours..."

Left some rephrasing suggestions, though inb4 this Mystery Dungeon is full of killer Beautifly or something like that.

"Yes. It's beautiful, isn't it?" Elvira said. "I always like coming here. The sight of colourful flowers never fails to lift my spirits. ...Maybe that's why I've been so down for the last while. It's been some time since I was last here."

Elvira: “Well, aside from when the wilds come and try to ambush me. But let’s not think too hard about that right now.” ^^;

"A bit of a shame we have a mission here," Arian lamented. "I was thinking that if we weren't in a rush, we could stop and smell the roses...quite literally."

Not sure that I’d want to think about smelling roses all too hard in a setting with a mafia called the Thorned Roses, since I’m not convinced at all the average ‘mon from their ranks is exactly fragrant-smelling. ^^;

"Well, we do are. So no time to waste. Onward we go. Down that way."

The human followed Elvira down the chosen path. He was silently grateful that the paths the Mystery Dungeon had for them didn't involve running through the flower meadows. I wouldn't want to trample flowers as beautiful as these, he thought to himself. Blue, yellow, red, orange...it's so pretty! Like a kaleidoscope of colours…

Cue a wild just barging through the flowers like it’s nobody’s business in about 30 seconds.

"Arian! Focus!"

"Hm?" The Riolu looked over and saw Elvira battling a Cottonee. "Oh! Sorry!" Quickly, he snapped back to attention, and dashed forward with a Quick Attack at the Pokémon. The Grass-type succumbed to it quickly, and fainted.

While I get that this isn’t exactly supposed to be a long and drawn-out battle, I do wonder if you cut things a little too too the bone here. Like even an extra sentence of Arian feeling himself make contact with the Cottonee and seeing it tumble away would go a long ways to avoiding a “text battle log” vibe here.

"Thanks, Arian," Elvira said.

"Sorry!" apologised Arian. "I was too focused on the flowers, and I didn't see what was ahead..."

I’m beginning to understand how Florges and her child wound up getting separated from each other.

"Arian, it's okay. We all lose focus at some points," soothed Elvira. "It could've been worse. I would've been able to handle that Cottonee anyway.

"I'll keep my focus," promised the Riolu. "I won't get distracted by any more flowers here."

press-x-to-doubt-la-noire.jpg


[ ]

"Distracted by flowers…" murmured Elvira. "...I can already hear Flora's snarky remarks."

"That was quite embarrassing," Arian said, feeling his face burn red with humiliation. "Please forget that happened."

"You can relax. I won't say anything."

It might make sense to explicitly highlight what Elvira’s mood is when she’s replying to Arian here, especially if this is meant to be a funny bit where she’s joking around / trolling a bit. Since the intended vibe on her part is a bit unclear here.

The two continued down the narrow pathways. [ ] While they were strolling, something suddenly occurred to Arian.

"Who exactly should we be looking out for?" he asked.

"Well, since it was a Florges...it's likely the child could be a Flabébé," Elvira said. But as she said this, her gaze happened upon another row of flowers, and then she suddenly stopped, as if in a moment of realisation of something. Unfortunately, Arian didn't register this, and accidentally walked right into the back of Elvira.

Your first paragraph in this block would likely benefit from an added sentence or two describing things going by in passing to sell the sense that time and space are passing by a bit.

"Oof! S-Sorry," he apologised. "...Um, Elvira? Why did you stop?"

"...It literally just occurred to me," the Treecko said with horrified realisation. "Finding a Flabébé in here will be like finding a needle in a haystack." She turned to Arian. "A Flabébé is a little fairy that's always clinging to a flower. It's quite a small Pokémon, and so are the flowers it carries…”

Elvira trailed off and gestured to the multitude of flowers all around them.

...So do You see the problem, don’t you?" Elvira gestured to the multitude of flowers.

Arian blanched. When Elvira put things like that, he was beginning to see what she was getting at.


"Oh… " Arian uttered, realising what Elvira was getting at. " That is a problem, alright…"

Went off on a bit of a limb again for this block, but IMO with some modest tweaks you can make it flow a lot smoother than the version that’s presently in the story.

"Well, there's no use complaining. " Elvira said. "That won't help us find this lost child. We just have to keep looking,” Elvira said. “Besides, there's also a possibility the child isn't a Flabébé. She could be someone else a different Pokémon, depending on who the her father is.

[ ]

But we don't have enough facts to determine that know either way. ...Let's just keep looking."

Elvira’s dialogue here is a bit long-winded and has a couple chunks that read as either redundant to others or a bit clunky. It might make sense to reflow things a bit and turn it into two paragraphs.

The duo kept on down the path they were on. Eventually, it opened to a wider room, in which there was a Silcoon and a Cutiefly. Immediately, both Pokémon turned their attention to the new arrivals.

Oh, so there are going to be killer Beautifly in this Mystery Dungeon, huh?
:copyber:


"One each?" Arian said to Elvira.

"That's fine. I'll take the Cutiefly, you take the Silcoon," Elvira directed.

That sounds like a dangerous idea if I ever heard one since that Cutiefly could potentially make the two of you really miserable really fast depending on how strong it is. But I’ll just assume that the wilds in this dungeon are weak pushovers.

"Got it." Arian focused his attention on the cocoon. Immediately, the first thing it did was stiffen as it used Harden. The human was not fazed, and slashed the Bug-type with a Metal Claw. Curiously, he noted that all it seemed to be doing was use Harden over and over.

Well, it is a cocoon. It's not like it'll be capable of much. Arian found himself a bit more relaxed as he attacked again with Quick Attack. But still, the Silcoon would not yield. Arian attacked again, this time with Force Palm. However, this didn't appear to do much either.

"This thing is stubborn, alright," the Riolu remarked, taking a deep breath. "...Just gotta get through it." He readied another Metal Claw, and struck the cocoon.

Right after that, the Silcoon was also attacked with a Quick Attack. Looking over, Arian saw Elvira return from where she'd attacked. The sight of a downed Cutiefly explained everything.

"Silcoon are known to be quite defensive," Elvira told him. "Attacking, however, is beyond them. We just need to keep at it with our attacks. You appear to have done most of the work, at least."

"Got it. ...Wanna see who can do the quicker Quick Attack?" Arian challenged.

"Oh, you're on," Elvira accepted. Next moment, both Pokémon used Quick Attack, and struck the Silcoon. Both attacks finally managed to cause the Bug-type to fall, and it collapsed onto its side.

Okay, so admittedly, in this block, I didn’t go into my typical level of detail for things, since the entire block as a whole suffers from a shared issue of the flow of battle reading an awful lot like a battle log. It’s less of an issue in the first half than the second half, but even so, throughout the battle, it’s difficult to get a sense of relative motion and positioning or even what these different attacks look like as they occur. If you revise this chapter at some point, making the flow of events a bit more “visual” and amping up the sensory experience would probably be a goal to prioritize.

"That goes to me," Elvira said. "I attacked the Silcoon first."

"...Yeah...I think that does go to you," Arian agreed. "I did feel you strike slightly before me, to be honest."

"...Hm. You're too kind, Arian." A smile of slight bemusement crossed the Treecko's face. "It's not often the other side is willing to concede defeat like that."

"It's not like it's high stakes," Arian reasoned. "What would arguing about it accomplish?"

Another section where the dialogue feels like it could use a paragraph or two of description interleaving with it to show off more of Arian and Elvira’s moods and body language or the like.

"Good point," Elvira said in agreement with the Riolu's last statement. "I'd rather not get into arguments over something as petty as that. We're barely off the ground; I wouldn't want our team to collapse before it got going."

"Nor would I. ...Let's not dwell on that thought," Arian decided. "Better to focus our minds on this mission."

"You're Right. Let's continue looking for this Flabébé."

<><><>


But unfortunately, a thorough search of the first floor yielded no sign of a small sprite carrying a flower. Once they were sure she was not on the floor, Arian and Elvira found themselves looking at the stairs leading to the next floor.

This is another section where the transition in time and space feels fairly abrupt. If this isn’t meant to be a hard scene break, you probably want to add a couple more sentences adding more of a transition to the effect of “Arian and Elvira got back to work and started going through the floor’s passages” or something like that.

"How many floors are in this place?" Arian wondered.

"Four," Elvira answered. "There's a small grove at the end, just like in Verdant Woods. It's possible the child might be there, too. But let's search all the floors before we get to that."

Elvira: “Not least of all since from what the Florges told us, she strongly implied that she lost her child on one of the floors and not in the grove if that ‘stairs’ comment was anything to go by.

"Well, she doesn't appear to be on this floor. Should we go up?" Arian proposed.

"Yes," Elvira agreed.

And so the two climbed the steps.

Arian: “I mean, aside from the sheer number of flowers potentially making it hard to spot flower-looking Pokémon, it wasn’t that bad, was it?” ^^;
Elvira: “Arian, don’t go tempting fate like that.” >.<;

Blossoming Meadow
2F

Another new floor of hedgerows and flowers greeted them. This time, the room they started in was a narrower one with three exits to the south, west and east, with no exit to the north.

There was, however, something on the floor that caught Arian's attention.

"...Money?" he said, upon seeing some gold. "That's a coin. This is money." He picked up the coin, and examined it.

Arian: “Wait, did someone drop this, or…?”

"Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you. Sometimes money can show up on the ground in Mystery Dungeons," Elvira explained. "No one knows why, or how. But no one minds."

She walked over and looked at the coin her partner lifted. [ ]

"...50P. Not much, but it's something,” she said. “I heard other dungeons can have lots of money in them, and some are said to strike it rich by delving in and out of those Dungeons scouring the floors for coins."

Another paragraph that seems like it’d be ripe for being hacked up into smaller pieces with a bit of an extension. Though wait, is this same Poké minted in the outside world in the present day? Or is it all the treasure of some bygone civilization? Since there’s surely quite a story behind how treasures would get lost in places like these.

"Shame this doesn't look to be one like that like it’s one of those," Arian lamented, though with only slight disappointment. "But we'll pick it up regardless." He slipped it to Elvira, who filed it away in the coin pouch.

"Now then…" Arian returned his attention to the room. "Hmm...We should go this way." He pointed to the west path. "If the child's not here, we'll end up exploring the whole floor anyway."

"Quite right," Elvira said. "We won't stop until we've investigated every nook and cranny of this place."

Wait, was Elvira always intended to be that formal? Since something about Elvira’s line feels like something that I’d expect from a butler or the retainer to a noble or something like that.

Arian and Elvira walked down the corridor, looking all around the flowery hedgerows for any sign of a lost child, presumably a Flabébé. All the while, the former Riolu, who was in the lead, kept a lookout for any enemy Pokémon.

That actually makes me wonder, but has Arian been futzing around with his aura sensitivity at all during this whole time in the story? Or is it one of those things where he’s still fumbling around with it and not really knowing what he’s doing?

Soon, one such Pokémon came into view. As he was walking down the hallway, Arian suddenly caught sight of a black and white blur moving in front of him.

"What is that?" he murmured, squinting to see. But as it got closer, it occurred to him that it was a Pokémon. A black and white-furred raccoon with a long pink tongue, to be specific.

"A Zigzagoon," Elvira pointed out. "A few of these do live here."

Ah yes, G-Zigzagoon. Though I suppose it makes sense given that Hinnerk’s an Obstagoon, and it’s not as if Galarian Forms would be exclusive to only townies or wilds.

The Normal and Dark-type got closer to them, with Arian readying to use a Force Palm. However, before he could unleash it, it rammed straight into him.

"Argh! Hey!" cried out Arian. However, he saw the Zigzagoon make some sort of taunting snicker, as if to goad him into a fight.

Oh, so wilds can laugh and display emotion, huh? Well, I suppose that real animals can as well, but I was still a bit surprised by that given how prevalent “nonsapient ferals are mindless” is in this fandom. I do think that the first paragraph could’ve benefitted from an extra sentence or two of detail, but I’ll leave it up to you for how to get there.

"Fine! You want a fight? Then I'll give you one!" He charged a Force Palm and struck the Zigzagoon...which caused the Pokémon to faint immediately after being hit.

Yeah, see above for the bit about adding more detail. Since this is a fairly high-level description of what goes down with the Zigzagoon, and as such it’s a bit hard to get into things as a result.

"Er...wow," a bewildered Arian remarked, slightly stunned at his curb-stomp victory. "I didn't expect that."

Such is life when you have 4x weaknesses, Arian.

"A Zigzagoon's biggest weakness is Fighting-type moves," Elvira explained, "Normal and Dark-types don't do so well against Fighting-types, and Zigzagoon happens to be both. Your Force Palm was clearly enough to knock it out."

"Maybe I don't know my own strength," he joked.

Watch as that last sentence winds up taking on some cruel irony in the next scene or something like that. Since for good and ill, Arian really doesn’t vibe as someone who has a solid read on his own strength.

"...Perhaps. But remember what I said: don't overestimate yourself," Elvira advised. "Pride comes before a fall, and as your partner, it's my duty to make sure that doesn't happen to you."

See? Even Elvira agrees with me here.

[ ]

"...Thanks for reminding me. Good to know I have someone like you at my back," Arian said.

"That's what partners are for," reminded the Treecko. "Now let's keep moving."

[ ]


"Actually, there's something I'm curious about," Arian wondered, as they moved on. "That Zigzagoon...It reminds me a bit like that graffiti I saw back in town."

You know the drill regarding adding some description. In this case, the first block feels like it could benefit from showing Arian’s “errr”-ness a bit more while the second feels like it’d potentially work quite well from a little moment where Elvira starts to head off and Arian stops her or something like that.

"Graffiti?" Elvira queried, before a thought came to her. "Oh...I think I see what you mean…"

"There was a bit of artwork depicting a Pokémon like that Zigzagoon," the Riolu went on. "It had the same black and white colours as it, and I remember that below it, there was a message saying, 'Long live the boss!' ...Is that Pokémon...the leader of the Thorned Roses?"

"He is. That's Hinnerk, the Thorned Roses' leader. You might have heard his name a few times now," Elvira informed. "He's an Obstagoon, who are fully evolved from Zigzagoon."

Yeah, I knew it. Even if I’d have been more surprised if that wasn’t Hinnerk from the amount of focus the Obstagoon doodle got.

"I see…" Arian mentally noted the evolution.

"He's selfish and cruel," Elvira went on. "When Mitrofan took over Selenia, Hinnerk came down to Ozerograd and personally killed the lord who ran the oblast around the town. He declared himself the leader of Ozerograd, and to reinforce his power, he set up the Thorned Roses and used them to intimidate all of us.
[ ]

It's worked well for him. Five years later, he still rules over us with an iron fist." She looked sadly off to the side. "...We really have had the power to rise up stripped from us. When will this cycle end?"

Wait, there were ‘Lords’ in Russian nobility? Though something, something, won’t question it too hard, even if hilariously enough it appears that IRL Russian nobility sometime down the road did close-to-straight lifts of Graf and Herzog as nobiliary titles.

"When someone stands up to him," Arian said. "Someone has to."

"That's easier said than done," Elvira replied. "Hinnerk is powerful. He isn't the leader of a gang and retainer of his power for nothing. Any form of resistance that manages to crop up in our town has its earth salted before it can sprout. ...If only we could manage a breakthrough…"

I can’t tell whether the implication is that word gets around about these crackdowns or else if Elvira is already dabbling with resistance movements at such a young age.
:copyka:


"...One day." The Riolu was still insisting on optimism. However, he realised brooding over Hinnerk wouldn't do any good.

"This isn't relevant to our problems right now. Let's keep looking for Iona. And the torc, too."

"You're right. Let's find them."

I… kinda wonder if there’s something else that Elvira can say to comment on the state of affairs, since something about her commentary feels a bit ‘stating the obvious’. I also noticed it in a couple earlier places, but it feels particularly noticeable here.

The two kept looking high and low for the child of the Florges. They looked thoroughly throughout the floor, searching in all the flower beds for the sight of a little sprite holding a flower. They fought any wild Pokémon that came their way, all in search of the lost child.

However, they found themselves at the stairs once again, their search having borne no fruit.

Arian: “Um. I realize that this is a bit of a morbid subject, but if the wilds did overpower Iona, what exactly would they do to her afterwards?”
:riohnolu:


"...Well, up we go, I guess," said Arian, beginning to start up the steps.

[ ]

"She has to be somewhere," Elvira murmured. "We still have more floors to search. Let's go."

IMO, it might make sense to play up whatever Arian and Elvira’s moods are at the moment. Like are they starting to get frustrated? Worried? Show off how the gears turn in their heads a bit more.

Blossoming Meadow
4F

Arian and Elvira scoured the third floor as thoroughly as the first two for the missing child. They battled the various wild Pokémon of the Dungeon, of which there were Cottonee, Cutiefly, Zigzagoon, Pom-Pom Oricorio, Weedle, Kakuna, Silcoon and Beautifly. All the while, they kept a lookout for the child of the Florges, presumed to be a Flabébé.

But the third floor yielded no sign of the lost Pokémon.

Wait, but if the child is ‘Iona’, wouldn’t it make sense for Arian and Elvira to think of her in those terms? It would probably help cut down on the number of instances of “child” in reference to her to keep things from getting repetitive.

Though for that matter, there’s actually a large chunk of story prior to the end of the last scene where Iona wasn’t being talked about in the narration on a name basis. It might be worth considering sprinkling in more instances of those if/when you ever go back to tighten this chapter up.

"One more floor to check," Arian said. "I hope Iona's here. Otherwise, we may have a problem on our hands…

[ ]


"Let's hope it doesn't come to that," Elvira said. "Let's get to looking."

It might be worth seeing that flash of worry over “Uh… what do we do if Iona isn’t here? Is she even alright?” come over Arian and Elvira a bit before they move on, since they have gone through most of the MD already to no avail. Presumably it’s affected them a bit.

Arian led the way down the southeast exit, Elvira following behind. Once again, a multitude of flowers in a plethora of different colours greeted them on the hedgerows. Both Pokémon searched the hedgerows for a potential Flabébé, but no luck greeted them.

Actually, wait. I just realized, but does Arian even know what a Flabébé looks like? Since in his initial introduction to this story, he seemed very out of the loop about Pokémon species and I don’t recall him ever being mentioned getting a crash course about different species and their appearances.

Before they were out of the corridor, a Pom-Pom Oricorio confronted them, dancing on its feet as it flew at Arian, striking him with a Pound.

"...You like to dance, huh?" Arian said, looking at the Dancing Pokémon. "Then let's dance." His claws turned a metallic sheen. "Let's dance with our moves!"

Elvira: “Arian, that was painful.” >.<
Arian: “Ah! Ah! Ah! Lemme work my moves here!”

He lunged forward, slashing the Oricorio with Metal Claw. The bird staggered back a bit from the attack, before moving in with a Peck. The speed was quick, and unfortunately, Arian couldn't dodge out of the way in time. He was hit in the right shoulder, eliciting a cry of pain from the Riolu.

"Arian!" Elvira cried, worried for her teammate. "Hold on, I'll help you!" She dashed forward with a Quick Attack.

"Thanks, Elvira!" Arian returned, before unleashing another Metal Claw upon the Oricorio. This strike was enough, and the Dancing Pokémon fainted.

Something something, describe the moves’ appearances and what the battle looks like a bit more. I won’t harp too hard about it since I’ve made the same general point in a couple other places by this point already.

"Are you alright, Arian?" Elvira asked.

"...A bit sore. But I'll be fine," assured the Riolu. "Do you have an oran berry?"

Arian: “Seriously, how do little birds like those hit so hard?
:eltydizzy:


"I do." The Treecko handed him one. "Look out for Flying-type moves like that one. They’ll pack a punch against Fighting-types like you.”

[ ]

...You don't look too bad, at least. We can keep moving."

Elvira’s dialogue reads like it’s two separate lines smushed together since it’s set up as if there was some sort of pause in between, but it’s not reflected in the text’s layout. Consider dropping in a throwaway paragraph where Arian actually takes the Oran Berry and eats/applies it, since there’s no real acknowledgement of it past Arian taking it from Elvira ATM.

They continued on and eventually reached the end of the corridor, which opened out into a huge room with a number of different exits. A number of flower patches were present in the room, meaning more places to look for the Flabébé, if the child was indeed one.

"Well, let's start looking here," Arian said. "...Hello? Anyone here? Anyone?"

His voice echoed around the room. But no response returned to him.

Arian: “Oh, well that’s not a good sign.” .-.

"...They're not here," Elvira mournfully noted.

"Let's not jump to conclusions so quickly," Arian replied. "Let's look around. It could be possible they're trying to keep quiet in order to let the wild Pokémon not detect them."

Yeah, I was going to say there, that that was a bit of a risky assumption on Elvira’s part. Though it might have made sense to play up her “mournfulness” in the last paragraph right before this block.

And so they did this They did so, scouring every flower patch nearby for the child. But by the time they were nearing the other side of the room, there was no sign of a Flabébé or any Pokémon like that. The two were also sidetracked by combating against a Beautifly and a Cottonee who sidetracked them after that had wandering into the room didn’t help matters, and so the focus was for a time taken off the search.

But soon they returned to it before they knew it, and Arian was investigating a flowerbed over by one of the room's exits. Elvira was over by one of the other flower patches, across from him.

Some sundry suggestions of potential tweaks that can be made here. Since some of the phrasing feels like it could be smoothed out a bit.

Hmm...no sign of any Pokémon here, he thought to himself. I wonder...does Elvira have any clues?

Then he heard it.

"...*sniffle**sniffle*..."

Arian: “... Wait, Iona? Is that you?”

Hm? What's that noise? Arian's attention was grasped by what he'd heard. Where's it coming from?

The bit in the underline feels a touch redundant with Arian’s dialogue. Consider emphasizing Arian’s physical actions in response to the sniffling he’s hearing to make the two bits a bit more distinct from each other.

"I couldn't find anything, Arian," Elvira called from across. "Should we move on to - "

"Shh," Arian interrupted. "...Hold on a minute, Elvira."

"What is it, Arian?" she wondered. "Do you hear something?"

Arian: “Wait, did you not hear the sound of someone crying? Since I sure did.”
Elvira: “... I wouldn’t have asked you if I did, Arian. Are you sure it’s not just your mind playing tricks on you?”
Arian: “... Weird, but no. I know that I heard crying just a few moments ago…”

"I think." The Riolu closed his eyes, and listened to the sounds of the meadow. The chirping of distant Oricorio, the rustling of leaves, the gentle blow of the breeze…

"*sniffle**sniffle*"

"There it is again," murmured Arian.

"There's what again?" Elvira wondered. "I don't hear anything."

Calling it now, this is Arian’s Aura Sensitivity in action here.

"I'm definitely hearing something. It's faint, but it almost sounds like...someone crying? I think that's what it is."

"Someone crying? The crying of a lost child, perhaps?" Elvira presumed. "Which way, Arian?"

I’m a little surprised that Elvira beats around the bush so much and doesn’t just go “Do you think it’s Iona?” here. Though I suppose maybe it isn’t necessarily Aura sensitivity, since I suppose this could just as easily be explained by differences in hearing sensitivity since… well, lizards are kinda terrible at hearing things IRL.

"That way." Arian pointed to the path he was next to, the southwest path. "It's down this path." He began his walk down the corridor, with Elvira following close behind.

With his ears pricked, he caught the sound more clearly. It did indeed sound like crying, and specifically, it sounded akin to the sobs of a young girl. In other words...just who they were looking for.

Okay, yeah. I see the “differential hearing abilities” was indeed the cause after all. Though again, I’m a little curious why the story doesn’t just go “Is that Iona?” given that that’s who Arian and Elvira are looking for anyways.

"It's here," Arian said, stopping in front of a flower patch. "The crying's coming from around here. Hello? Is anyone there?"

He scanned the patch of flowers. A plethora of colours greeted him back. Red, yellow, blue, white, violet…

I guess Iona really is a Flabébé after all. Good luck finding her here, you two.

Wait a minute. Arian looked closer at an area where a number of yellow flowers were located. Oddly enough, though, amidst the yellow, there was one red flower that looked decidedly out of place. Not to mention, it was moving, but not with the breeze.

It was as if someone very small was holding it. Someone...like a Flabébé.

Yeah, figured. Though do Pokémon in this setting not have distinct cadences for their species? Not that Arian would know any better given that this is the first time (that we know of) that he’s running into a Flabébé, but if Pokémon do have such a dynamic going on, you’d think that Elvira might’ve noticed as they approached.

Arian and Elvira looked at each other.

Bingo. We've found her.

"Um, excuse me? Flabébé?" Elvira chose to say.

Arian: “Wait, why aren’t we just addressing her by name again? Since you’d think that ‘Iona’ would draw more of a unique reaction?”
Elvira: “... Dunno, really. Maybe it’s an etiquette thing when dealing with strangers? Since it wouldn’t be the first PMD story to have a dynamic like that.”
:joltyshrug~1:


"Eek!" a small voice squealed. Suddenly, and the flower, along with the little fairy that held it, jumped into the air. "Please don't eat me! I taste terrible!"

Elvira: “Yeah, we should’ve called out her name to clear things up after all.”
:gardexhausted:

Arian: “... Wait, are there talking wilds in this setting? Since if there aren’t, shouldn’t Iona have been relieved to hear us talking to her? Pokémon that can talk don’t actually eat each other, do they-?”
Elvira: “Arian, she’s like five. Cut her some slack.” >_>;

"We're not here to eat you," Arian placated insisted. "We're here to get you out of here and back to your home." He spoke a bit more tenderly, knowing he was talking to a child.

"...R-Really?" the Flabébé sniffled. Now that the two could see her clearly, it was evident from her face that the sprite had been crying. "Wh-Who are you guys?"

I mean, maybe I was a bit quick to assume that talking Pokémon wouldn’t eat each other in this setting.
:copyka2~2:


"I'm Elvira, and this is Arian," the former introduced. "You're Iona, right?"

"H-How do you know?"

"Your mom told us. She's worried sick about you."

Iona: “Wait, why didn’t you just say that earlier?! I was scared you were going to eat me!” >.<
Arian: “Look, we get it, alright? We’ll speak up sooner next time.”
:eltyunamused:


"My mommy? Oh no..." Tears pricked in the Flabébé's eyes. "I don't want to make Mommy sad."

"She'll be happy when she sees you again," Arian replied, his voice still having that same softness to it. "She'll be relieved that her child's safe and sound."

I kinda wonder if Iona’s train of thought should acknowledge her surroundings a bit more, since it’s a bit weird to have her go from being obviously terrified of her surroundings to “Oh. I didn’t want to make mommy sad” without more of a cooldown in between.

"Don't worry, Iona. We'll get you out of this Dungeon," promised Elvira. "We just have to find the exit first. Stay with us, and we'll get you there. And don't worry; we're not Thorned Roses. You don't have to be scared of us."

… Wait, implying that TRs are known to make threats to eat others? I mean, that’s probably just blustering threats talking, but…
:copyber:


"...Th-Thank you," Iona said, still tearful. "Mommy said I should never talk to strangers. But you guys seem alright."

"We are. Not all strangers are bad people," Arian said to her. "Some...aren't so nice, but there are people out there who will help you. Like now us."

"Speaking of which, we should probably get out of here. A feral could attack at any time," Elvira warned.

Wait, is it ‘ferals’ or ‘wilds’? Or are the two terms interchangeable in this story?

"Good point," Arian accepted. "Stay by our side at all times, Iona. There's still dangerous Pokémon out there."

"...They nearly got me…" Iona recalled, shaking slightly. "That's why I hid. But...I've been stuck here for hours, and I don't know how to get out of here. Please, please help me..."

"Of course we will. Don't worry," reassured Elvira. "We'll protect you from any wild Pokémon that try to attack us."

I just realized, but most of these past few paragraphs have been fairly disembodied dialogue. It might make sense to interleave a bit more description into things, especially here as Arian and Elvira are about to move on with Iona.

And so it was arranged that Iona would travel between Arian and Elvira, in order to keep her safe from any attacking Pokémon. It was lucky for them that the only foe they encountered on the way to the exit was a Zigzagoon, which Arian dispatched quickly with a Force Palm.

The corridor afterwards, the trio spotted the stairs.

Something about that first paragraph feels very “tell” and not “show”. Perhaps it’d make more sense to lean into the characters’ feelings or moods while this is all going on to show more of what this all means to them?

"There they are," Arian gestured, pointing to them. "Let's get out of here."

"Yes. The sooner we reunite Iona with her mother, the better," Elvira said.

And so the three went up the steps.

Arian:
easy-button-that-was-easy.gif

Elvira: “We still have that Torc we need to find, Arian. Though now that you mention it, it is a little worrying that we haven’t had more trouble so far…” .-.

Blossoming Meadow
Grove

Arian: “Well, we found the end, at least.”

Once they reached the top of the steps, they could immediately see surroundings of a more normal nature, implying they were out of Blossoming Meadow's Mystery Dungeon.

Wait, but what about the surroundings is more “normal” anyways? It might merit mentioning in passing what some of the abnormal stuff they’re no longer seeing are. e.x. no longer coming across chambers and passages or something like that.

"Finally," Arian said, breathing a sigh of relief. "Back to normal surroundings. Boy, Mystery Dungeons are weird places…"

"Yeah, you're right! They're so weird!" chirped Iona in concurrence.

I mean, it’s literally in the name, you two.

"Don't look at me," Elvira said, once the gazes of the other two fell on her. "I didn't make them. And I didn't choose to put one here.

[ ]

...Though, that said, once you get through the Mystery Dungeon, this is a lovely place to visit." She turned to look away from the exit, and towards the grove.

This feels like another paragraph that would benefit from separating its parts and expanding the sequence. Though the bit in underlined feels like something that might have had more effect being described before Elvira reacts to it instead of something that happens after the fact.

Arian blinked in bewilderment. Just like in the Mystery Dungeon, flowers of all different colours greeted his gaze. However, because there were no narrow corridors or walls, it was a perfect field of flowers, unconstrained by the labyrinthine Mystery Dungeon.

"Wow…" the Riolu remarked, enchanted by the sight. "It's beautiful…"

inb4 something comes and wrecks this moment of awe like the flower field turning out to have a tragic backstory or something like that.

"Mommy and I wanted to see this place," Iona informed. "To get away from those meanies. Because Dad's not here anymore…and Mommy didn't want me to disappear too…"

[ ]

"That's so cruel," Arian replied. "How they tore apart a family like this…" He remembered their mission. "We'll find out what happened to him, Iona. Don't worry."

It probably makes sense to have Arian remind himself “oh right, the Florges said something about that”, since admittedly I did a double-take here since I could’ve sworn the Florges said that her hubby was killed by wilds and not TRs. It probably makes sense to give a formal reminder of the backstory for the readers here, even if it’s just in passing.

"You will? …Please," Iona begged. "I want Daddy back…I love him so much. Why did they take him away…?"

Cue the theme song:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4MXGl1Qbgg


"We don't know. But we'll find out." Just the sight of the little fairy on the verge of tears made Elvira determined to get to the bottom of this mystery.

"Thank you…" The Flabébé then looked around the grove. "Um…can we pick flowers? I wanna make Mommy happy, because she's been so sad since Daddy was taken away…"

Oh, never mind, Iona’s dad was snatched by TRs. Though yeah, that’s why giving a formal reminder of what happened backstory-wise would be handy.

"Sure," Arian permitted replied. "In fact, there's something we need to find here too. It's the other reason we came here in the first place."

Arian: “... Though from surroundings like this, are we sure that we’ll find a Sandy Torc?” .-.

"How about I pick flowers with Iona, and you look for the torc?" suggested Elvira.

"Sounds like a plan."

And so it was arranged The pair nodded and parted ways, with Elvira picking a small bundle of roses to carry back to town. Arian, meanwhile, hunted down the item.

This feels like such a cursed thing to be doing in a Mystery Dungeon, though I suppose you’re at least in the part of it that doesn’t change or have wilds roaming around in it.

A torc…That's like a neck ring in a crescent moon shape, isn't it? He peered around the grove. Just like Iona, this'll be easier said than done. So many flowers that it could be hiding under…

I… actually did not know that that was what a ‘torc’ was. It might have made sense to bring this up back when Arian was with Conall and Caitríona since presumably they’d want Arian and Elvira to know what the item they want him to find looks like.

He needn't have worried, though. As it turned out, the Sandy Torc Conall and Caitríona were looking for was in a patch of grass where there were no flowers.

Arian: “Wow. That was sure… convenient. What’s the catch to all of this?”

"Got it!" Arian called to the other two, holding the item up.

"Good job, Arian," Elvira commended. "Now that we have both Iona and the torc, let's head back to town."

With that, the three of them walked out of the meadow and back to the main road.

I notice that you seem to use constructions like “With that” or “[X] arranged” fairly frequently. It might make sense to keep tabs on those such that you can switch some of them out to keep them from becoming repetitive, since from personal experience, using a construction too frequently has a way of standing out as being repetitive to readers.

[ ]

"And so we managed to beat those two Thorned Roses and save Elvira's friend," Arian was saying to Flora, relaying the events of the day before.

"Cool! You won against them?" Iona was in awe. "Go, Arian and Elvira!"

"Thanks, Iona. But then it was for a friend, and you'd do anything for friends. Wouldn't you, Elvira?"

Wait, where are these three right now? Like I thought that they left the meadow, but there’s not really much given to ground us as readers as to what their present surroundings are.

"You would," agreed the Treecko agreed.

Her attention then directed to the road ahead of them. [ ]

"...Oh. There's the edge of town. Hang on a minute." She dug into the bag of coins, searching for 100P for the toll.

"Oh, the toll," guessed Iona.

Yeah, this is why IMO it would’ve made sense to drop in a quick and dirty paragraph at the start reminding “oh yeah, we’re near Ozerograd again.” Over here, it probably also makes sense to explicitly note that Elvira can see the gate to Ozerograd again here.

"Yeah," Elvira said, with a tone of slight annoyance.

"You paid them before when going out to the meadow, did you, Iona?" Arian wondered.

"No," Iona denied. "Me and Mommy snuck past when they weren't looking."

Arian: “... Wait a minute, Elvira, why aren’t we just going through the tunnel that Tamara showed us again? You’d think that’d be cheaper than coughing up another 100P. Probably safer too than risking those thugs getting any ideas about a young kid.”
:eltywtf:


"Really?" The amnesiac was surprised to hear this. "Wasn't that dangerous?

"No. There was no one at the gate when me and Mommy came through," insisted Iona. "I'm telling the truth! There really was no one there!"

Elvira: “... Is she friends with the gate guards or something? How on earth did she manage that?” .-.
Arian: “Also, does she have any tips? It’d be nice to have options other than crawling through that dirty tunnel every time we need to save 100P.”

[ ]

"Hmm…" Arian's paw went to his chin. "What could this mean?"

"...It could've just been a change of guard duty," Elvira reasoned. "It could've happened that they were in the middle of it when you came up, Iona."

Would recommend throwing in a paragraph emphasizing that Arian’s thinking and/or finding this all weird.

Arian: “Maybe we should ask Iona’s mom about what’s going on. Since if she knows when the guards change shifts, it’d be handy for sneaking in and out.”

"...Maybe," Arian said, thoughtfully. "But let's wonder about that later. Let's get Iona back to her home."

They walked up to the gate. Based on what the Flabébé had told them, the Riolu was hopeful that perhaps there'd be no one on the other side of the gate this time as well. Hopefully they're in the middle of a duty change. ...Please, if there is a god up there…

"Halt!"

Damn it.

Arian: “Well, that’s one way to get convinced that there’s no god in this world. Or at least none that cares enough to help out with problems like ours.” >_>;

The Krokorok from earlier had his claw held out. "Ya wanna come in 'ere, ya hand over the goods! " He then looked at the two again. "...Oi, ain't ya the two from before?"

"They are," the Gligar from before confirmed. "It's the same two from before. ...Along with a Flabébé."

"...Whatever," the Krokorok dismissed. "Pay up."

Arian: “(Elvira, we could’ve taken the tunnel!)” >.<
Elvira: “(Look, it’s a bit late now. Let’s just pay them off before they check our stuff and find that Sandy Torc.)”

"...Here's the money," Elvira said, presenting the sand crocodile with 100P. "Now can we go in?"

"Go. Scram!"

"With pleasure," Arian scathingly returned, before walking into the city, with Elvira and Iona following him.

- Arian stares at Elvira -
Arian: “...”
:gardexhausted:

Elvira: “Yeah, yeah, I get it. I should’ve given a better explanation for why the tunnel wasn’t an option. But look, the point is, it was better to just cough up the 100P.” >_>;

[ ]

"I wouldn't say things like that, Arian," Elvira warned. "We don't want to get to get too much on their bad side. Otherwise…"

[ ]


"Right." The human saw her point. " Sorry."

Something something, this bit feels like it’d benefit from framing description. Especially the bit in between the paragraphs where it probably makes more sense to show Arian having a “... Right, that was stupid of me” moment in his head instead of just handling it after the fact.

"Now then, Iona," Elvira asked. "Do you know where you live?"

Elvira: “I mean, I remember the street we found your mother on, but you know what they say about assuming…”
Iona: “Oh? What do they say?”
- Beat moment -
Elvira: “... Right, you’re five. Your mother probably wouldn’t explain that saying to you just yet.” >_>;

"Hmm…" The Flabébé examined the streets, before her eyes lit up in recognition. "It's down that way."

She pointed to the street on their right, which happened to be the way they came to the front of town.

Arian: “Wait, but I thought that we came into town through a secret tunnel-” ^^;
Elvira: “Before we entered the secret tunnel, Arian.”

"All right. Lead the way, Iona."

And so the two went down the back alley, with Iona leading the way. They went past the same miserable, boarded up houses that they'd gone by earlier, and once again, Arian got the same feeling from earlier of that ever-lingering fear in the air. It was unsettling, and the human silently wished to himself that the search for Iona's house wouldn't take much longer.

Ah yes, there’s that Aura sensitivity again… Probably. Maybe.

Thankfully for him, it didn't. The Flabébé floated to one of the houses with boards on the outside.

"This is my house," she told Arian and Elvira. "Now, to let Mommy know…" She floated up to one of the timber boards, before, to the surprise of the other two, she was able to pull one slightly outwards and knock with it. And not just any knock - it was five slow knocks, carried out in such a way as if it was meant to be different to a normal knock.

Arian: “... You seriously live like this?”
:riohnolu:

Iona: “Uh huh! Why, is it different where you live, Riolu?”
Elvira: “Very much so, really.” ._.

There was a brief silence. But then, the door opened, and a Florges came into view.

"Hi, Mommy!" Iona greeted.

"Iona?!" cried the Florges cried. She stooped down and embraced her daughter with relieved joy. "Oh, thank goodness you're here! I thought you might never come home…" She embraced her daughter with relieved joy.

"Me too. I thought I'd be stuck in there," the Flabébé replied. "But these nice people saved me!"

D’aww…
:seviuwu:


[ ]

"You saved her." The Florges's attention turned to the other two Pokémon standing outside the door. "Thank you so much. Iona means the world to me. If I lost her forever, I don't know what I would do…"

[ ]


"Here you go, Mommy!" Iona presented the roses to her. "I got these for you! You've been so sad since Daddy's gone, so I wanted to cheer you up!"

You have another one of these sections where you’re leaning hard on post-facto description in between dialogue that would probably work a bit better if they were pulled forward prior to the dialogue and expanded a bit.

"Roses?" The Florges took them. "Thank you so much, Iona. I really haven't been looking after the flowers since your father was taken away. I'll cherish these."

She then turned to Arian and Elvira.

"How can I ever repay you back? I'm afraid we don't have much in the way of money, but...I can think of a gift to give you two as thanks for saving Iona. Hold on for a minute, I'll go get it."

I kinda wonder if the last paragraph is another one of those paragraphs that would work better spread out over multiple. Since functionally, it’s two separate ideas jammed together: “How can I repay you?” and “Wait, I know just the thing”, and it feels a bit weird to see Florges go from A to B with no intermission between them.

The Florges returned into the house. A minute later, she returned with something wrapped in cloth.

"Here you go. It's nanab bread," she said, handing it to Arian. "I made it yesterday. I hope it satisfies you."

Arian + Elvira:
office-homer-simpson-drooling-7vrjn3sc1536a73a.gif


"Oh, I like nanab bread," Elvira replied, a smile crossing her face. "Of course it does. You don't have to worry about any more repayment."

Lol, I was joking about that last reaction there.

"...Good. Anyway, it's getting late." Iona's mother looked up at the sky, where the evening was setting in. "It's nearing your bedtime, Iona."

"Okay, Mommy," Iona obliged.

"And that goes for you two as well," the Florges added, looking at Arian and Elvira. "Take care. The Thorned Roses don't take kindly to those out past curfew."

Arian: “... Wait, there’s a curfew here? Why on earth did this never come up earlier, Elvira?” .-.
Elvira: “I wasn’t expecting us to be out in town this late?” ^^;

"Understood. Thanks for that advice," Elvira thanked. "...We should get going, Arian, and give the torc back to the merchants."

"Right. Thanks very much!" Arian said to Iona's mother.

"I bid you a safe journey," the Florges returned. "May Lunala's light guide your path."

Oh, so Lunala’s a locally important Legendary. Filing that one away for future reference.

The door closed in front of them.

"That's one thing done," the Riolu said. "Now, to return the torc…"

Arian: “... Actually, wait. How did we ever get that past that Krokorok thug anyways-?”
Elvira: “Arian, let’s worry about that after we get this taken care of and don’t have to worry about curfew.” >_>;

"Ah, you found it! Good! I knew you kids had it in ya."

Conall and Caitríona were closing down their stall for the day when Arian and Elvira approached them and gave them the Sandy Torc. Conall gazed with delight at the item, and Caitríona was looking similarly pleased.

"Thank you very much for finding this," the Sandslash said gratefully.

Arian: “So… you do have our information, right?”

"Well, as promised, here's your reward." Conall reached for some funds, and gave 150P to the duo.

Arian: “... And the information…?”

"Thank you." Elvira filed the money. "But don't forget that you promised us something else."

"Ah yes, of course. What we know about the disappearances." The Lycanroc considered his words. "Hate to tell ya that we don't know much either."

Arian + Elvira:
1k80wk.jpg

Conall: “I mean, come on. Even if we had information to give you, do you seriously expect us to just say that out loud on public streets where Thousand Roses are wandering around?”
:joltyshrug~1:

Elvira: “We spent 200P in tolls just to get your Torc back!” >.<
Arian: “200P we could’ve saved if we’d just cut through Tamara’s place…” >_>;

"What? But you said you had information!" Arian protested.

"We don't know much," Conall clarified. "Just a snippet. What apparently happens to the folks who are taken away is that they're all rounded up and taken somewhere. But where they're taken is kept strictly under wraps. The only ones that seem to know are Hinnerk and Mikhail, that Seviper right hand of his."

Ah yes, [Siberia]. A lovely place to round up and dump people you don’t want to deal with. Or at least I think that this is where this is going.

"Mikhail?" That name alone made Arian shiver, still remembering him from earlier in the day.

"Yup. It really is tight-lipped. Oh, and while we're at it, here's some more info," Conall added. "There aren't actually as many folks in the Thorned Roses as you'd think."

Elvira: “Wait, really? Since it felt like we could barely go a block without seeing one earlier today!” .-.

"Really?" Neither of the duo were expecting that.

"Yeah, we've noticed that, haven't we, Ríona?" Conall said to her. "It's the same people all the time doing the patrols and watching us like Braviary. And it's also what our lot have figured out too."

Arian: “... Wait, what was your baseline expectation for how many Thousand Roses there’d be, then? Since even if there’s only one shift, that’s still a lot of Pokémon!”
:eltywtf:

Caitríona: “Enough for multiple shifts, at least? I mean, let’s put it this way. If there’s only one shift to deal with the entire town all day, it means that there will be a time when most of them are busy conked out resting.”

"So…they don't have much macho behind that intimidation, huh?" Arian was taking this into consideration.

"That doesn't mean they're not dangerous, Arian," Elvira warned. "They've kept a hold on this town for five years, and have made people disappear. We can't underestimate them even slightly."

Conall: “Er… yeah, you might wanna put on a few levels before you go plotting any revolutions on your own, kid.”

"You have that right. We're taking a massive risk even saying these things right now," Caitríona said. "Conall, I think that's enough."

"But I'm not done yet," whined the Lycanroc. "Just one more thing, you two. Where do you live?"

Elvira: “Wait, but if just talking is a massive risk, shouldn’t we not be telling you that sort of thing-?”
Conall: “All the more reason to do it quickly before someone notices.”

"Where we live?" Elvira was somewhat sceptical. "Why do you want to know?"

:sceptical~1:
, even.

"To keep in touch. In case we have any more info to give. We want to find out that mystery you two are after too."

Conall: “Also, for that.”

[ ]

"...Not far outside the south of town, towards Lukomoria," the Treecko revealed, after some consideration.

Same shtick about how this post-facto bit would work a bit better coming before the line of dialogue.

"Great. Thanks a bunch."

"You two should be on your way," Caitríona advised. "Curfew will be soon, and I daren't imagine what will happen if the Thorned Roses find you out past it."

"We'll be on our way, then," Elvira said. "Thanks a lot for the info, you two."

"Anytime. Hope to see you around," Conall returned.

"Bye!" Arian waved to them as they left.

This feels like another block that would benefit from interleaving some description in between the lines of dialogue. Like I get that the characters are meant to be moving around a bit at the moment, but it’s not really described, and as such, it’s a bit hard to visualize things right now.

The two headed off to Tamara's house, to go through the tunnel that lead to the south end of town.

Actually, wait. Is there a reason why it’s not possible to just walk around Ozerograd to avoid going through the north gate? Since if there is, it probably makes sense to be explicit about why that is since it admittedly feels a bit jarring that Arian and Elvira are using the secret tunnel now when they didn’t on either occasion involving going to or returning from their earlier missions.

"So…all in all, I'd say that day was a success," Arian summarised.

"It was. I enjoyed working with you, Arian," Elvira said, with a smile on her face.

"I did too."

The Riolu found her smile infectious, and he had a grin on his face in seconds.

"Let's go back to your place and tell Zenobia all about today. Today may not have been a wholly smooth ride, but it was an adventure all right."

inb4 it results in an earful and a “you’re never allowed to leave the house again”.

I mean, I get that Zenobia made her peace with Arian and Elvira needing to take risks to chase after their dream, but you’d still think that finding out that they had a bad run-in with Hinnerk’s second-in-command would spook her a bit.

"It was. And I did find out a few more things about you," Elvira added. "Who knew you were good with kids?"

"Yeah. I'm surprising even myself with that," Arian mused. "More stuff will come out in future, no doubt. Anyway...shall we get home?"

"Yes. Let's head go."

They ended up treading the same paths they'd walked earlier that day. As they made their way back to Tamara's house, where the tunnel to the outside lay, Elvira reflected on what they'd achieved.

That was quite the speed-up there. I kinda wonder if this was really necessary, or if Elvira could’ve done this just fine while walking along the street or something and this skip-ahead be handled in the opening of the next chapter or something.

We have a connection now, with Caitríona and Conall. I don't know what help they'll provide, but they mean well. We're still nowhere close to figuring out the mystery of those disappearances, though, other than only Hinnerk and Mikhail really know what the truth is. I guess we'll just have to dig for more clues tomorrow. Everything's going well so far. Please let this good streak last a while longer…

Something about this phrasing doesn’t feel very “personal” for some reason. Almost like it’s the narrator but speaking through Elvira’s voice. It might make sense to take a step back and play around with the phrasing here to make it sound less clinical. e.x. as a throwaway example:

So Caitriona and Conall want to keep tabs on us… I’m not sure what they’re planning on doing, but at least they seem like they mean well. I just wish that they could’ve given more to work with about those disappearances. I mean, I suppose we now know that it’s something only Hinnerk and Mikhail really know the truth about, but that hardly feels like it got us any closer to an answer.

I guess we'll just have to dig for more clues tomorrow. If anyone’s watching out over us, please let this streak of good luck last just a little while longer…

Or something like that.

She looked up at the evening sky.

Are you up there, Dad? I don't know if you are or not, but if you are up there...watch over me, will you?

And if you aren't up there…then I'll find you, wherever you are.

Oh, so Pokémon in Ardalion have a general concept of “dead loved ones watching down from heaven” or something close to it. Cute, even if I’m a bit curious as to what the story behind it is for worldbuilding.

As you can gather, I had quite a bit to say about this chapter, so it admittedly makes it a bit daunting to try and sum things up. There’s a few lingering issues that were also present from the first five chapters, but given that the few snippets I’ve seen of the later parts of this story from elsewhere on the net look more solidly put-together, I’ll chalk things up a bit to early-installment weirdness.

That’s not to say that everything was bad. Quite to the contrary, really. The standout of the chapter is its worldbuilding, and you did a lot of justice to your setting just taking the time to smell the roses (har har) both in Ozerograd and in Blossoming Meadow and selling the sense of a lived-in world with history. I also thought you did a good job at building up and establishing Hinnerk, Mikhail, and the rest of the TR as a bunch of punchable thugs and give the gang their first serious "boss" to work towards. Like I’m not fully sure how they’re going to get past them, but you’ve set the stage for an eventual clash, and it’ll be fun to see how things play out. Especially with all the little hints you were dropping here and there of something bigger brewing in the background through stuff like the encounter with Conall and Caitríona who appear to have links to some sort of local resistance movement.

As for the cons… I mean, I could say “review the feedback in my earlier reviews”, but that’d be kinda lazy, so I’ll focus on specific things from that wheelhouse that stood out this time. The number one issue that I saw with this chapter was that there was a general need for more description since it was legitimately hard to visualize some scenes. Little things like describing things happening in conversational scenes or how blows land and stuff flies around in battle go a long way to livening up things that can otherwise get a bit dry to read. It also would go a ways to dealing with the issues with “tell and not show” that some parts of the chapter had.

Mechanically, I also thought that some of the narration and dialogue feels a bit stilted or redundant. If / When you go back to revising these, make a point of re-reading things out loud since it might help you notice those shakier sentences and sequences better. I also thought that some paragraphs are a bit "wall of text"-y, which I suppose kinda carries over a bit to the chapter as a whole. Like I’m hardly the one to be throwing stones over a 12k-word long chapter, but given that this chapter would expand quite a bit with some added description, it does make me wonder whether or not it’s functionally two smaller chapters taped together:

- Arian and Elvira going around Ozerograd and their run-ins with Mik and the shopkeeps before just entering Blossoming Meadow, which is about 5800 words long
- The entire rest of the chapter going through Blossoming Meadow and coming back, which represents the other 6200-ish words

Something to consider, anyways. Even if I suppose I can’t really fault you if you decide to let sleeping dogs lie with this chapter and just keep pressing forward on your more recent ones. Though even with the rough edges, I had fun with things @Arukona , and I hope to get back into your seventh chapter and onwards sometime soon… as in “sooner than six months soon”. ^^

Hope the review helped, and happy writing!
 

Ambyssin

Gotta go back. Back to the past.
Location
Residency hell
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. silvally-dragon
  2. necrozma-ultra
  3. milotic
  4. zoroark-soda
  5. dreepy
  6. mewtwo-ambyssin
Once these dissidents had been rounded up, they were thrown in the jail cells along with Hinnerk and Mikhail.
Calling it now: dey gonna escape and be problems in the future. Maybe downgraded from arc villains. Unless there's some bigger force at work that sinks their fangs into them.
Now it was the next morning
So, this right here speaks to two problems. The first being that this renders the initial start to the scene as clunky and redundant, since you end up recapping the rest of the day following the beginning of the scene before jumping back to the present with this line. In my opinion, the summary didn't need to be as long as it was. It kind of speaks to the whole "too much exposition" stuff I mentioned last time. I think a better solution would've been to find a way to bring this stuff up more organically once they made their way back into town in the following scene.
But whereas Dad was talkative and a cracker of jokes, Melchior was more calm and reserved.
Huh. Usually the swampert tend to be the dorks in these duos. Or I'm projecting Ginji's Rescue Team onto this. But there is Navar's swampert... :unsure:
but it's almost like he's hiding something about Dad's disappearance
Yeah, like he might've had a role to play in it or something.
.But if that's true, then that's a truth he's been sitting on for five years
Better get Reshiram on the line. (The word "truth" is dropped so many times in these several paragraphs I think it would give Crotch Fuzz palpitations.)
The time will fly, and in a few weeks, I'll be better again.
Do not tempt fate, for she is a cruel mistress.
Bad parenting results in the fostering of a bad attitude among children
I guess we know what side of the "nature vs. nurture" fence Elvira falls on, then. Though I feel like eventually she'll come face to face with someone that runs counter to this sort of thing.
Mercs would still be a thing, with or without outlaws
Doing... what, exactly? There wouldn't be criminals for them to hunt down! Shhh I know they take fetch quests in this universe.
But not all outlaws are the same. Some have it in them to give up crime and live a normal life
Definitely not teasing the possibility that they will reform a future outlaw to gain themselves an ally. Nope, totally not.
"Still…petals are such a pain to clean up…"
... Says the petilil.
"Confidentiality,"
"Man, this guild's brutal. They buried us up to our necks in NDAs!"
From the tone of her voice, the Swampert knew immediately what she wanted to speak to him about.
So, again, sudden perspective switch here. To be fair, it's hard to tell if there really is a POV character here. I'd argue maybe this is third-person omniscient with the big expository bits the narration does from time to time. But if that's the case, you ought to make an effort to balance whose thoughts the narrator is showing and when. One-off instances like this will still feel weird.
We're out in the open, and I don't think there's anyone around that can listen in.
Public walkway conversations aren't private. :V
It's the main settlement in the Karstlands. …Which is a fairly rural region of Selenia filled with karst, limestone rock. It's quite a sight, and quite a unique area not just in Selenia, but in all of Ardalion. There are flora completely exclusive to the Karstlands, unusual rock formations, and even more subterranean features. I've been there a few times. It's a nice place.
Once again, this feels like just a chunk of exposition. Except now it's given as dialogue. And, yes, there are jokes about encyclopedias and homework that follow. But given the fact that this does read more like a textbook than someone's honest descriptions of the place, it feels less like a "Ha ha, she's nerding out" moment and more like the awkwardness of it is being dragged out.
If yer interested in rocks
Steven Stone would like to know your location.
"...That wouldn't be a problem, would it?"
I'll say it if they won't. 📢NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!
Don't you want to hear about these two getting punished?
Puhuhuhu~
this Dungeon's not that hard
That's what she said!

But also, this practically feels like the fic warning us we're not out of the tutorial yet. And that... shows again here. Most of the floors are glossed over a bit, sure, but what we do see doesn't really add much of value here. Like, you definitely didn't need a whole scene dedicated to how Kangaskhan Rocks work. Unless you intended to showcase a significant difference or thing that would make your fic's method of item storage standout from the canon material, it's proooobably veering toward bloating the word count. Most folks reading this know PMD. They know about Kangaskhan Rocks.
That's what being a mercenary's all about!
I continue to get a chuckle at the idea of mercenary being the term used for the equivalent of rescuers/explorers/etc. Consider the definitions:
1) A professional soldier hired to serve in a foreign army.
2) A person primarily concerned with material reward at the expense of ethics.
Neither of these line up with the way you're portraying the job. :mewlulz:
away from the rural towns of Ozerograd and Kamengrad
Man, I can't help but wonder why the guy in charge is so concerned about these rural areas if they are that rural. The boonies doesn't tend to be where resistances rise up except in works of fiction.

... Oh wait.
If he escapes, which he most likely will
See? Even the possible Big Bad thinks it's going to happen!

So, this chapter has a fairly large word count... that ultimately doesn't serve to move the needle very far for me. Clearly, they're off to join the "guild." And maybe they're not coming back to their hometown, so you wanted to spend a fair amount of time giving some wrap-up and bidding a farewell of sorts to Ozerograd. Which is fine, I guess. It just feels like a lot of the idle conversations and exposition/tutorializing would be better spent moving the team toward their actual destination. I can easily see a world where this chapter is able to have them bid their farewells and reach their new hideout in Kamengrad. And in fewer words. Mainly via cutting out the dungeon crawling. And possibly the ending scene as well. Don't get me wrong, I write scenes of villains scheming, too. Nothing wrong with that. It just doesn't appear as though this villain cutaway offered any hints as to what's to come, which is what I tend to look for as the reader. And it did read a bit awkwardly to me with how, uh, fervently devoted Marowak was. More than a few too many "masters" in there.

I do like the dynamic of Team Sandstream and think they shine brightly as secondary allies at the moment. Can't tell if they'll continue to be supporting the main duo for the foreseeable future or if they're mainly here to help them settle in and they'll acquire new allies in the future. They've featured prominently enough to get brought up to the Big Bad, so I'm tempted to say the former. Time will tell, I suppose.

Oh, also, if you ever do go back and touch these up, you ought to consider cleaning up some of your dialogue tags. You seem afraid of using "said." The substitutes you pick in places feel a lot clunkier than a simple "said" would, though.
 

StolenMadWolf

Loony Moony
Pronouns
She/They
Righto, the V-Wheel comes round again, and it's time to read through Chapters 4 and 5.

Storywise, the chapters are essentially a continuation of the current events. Nothing massive happens, which is fine as long as the chapters serve a purpose. Which to be fair, they do. Chapter 4 establishes a team, whilst 5 introduces to a large town. However, they do feel a little more barebones, as we don't get particularly big bits of infomation here. Some info about the villains and what they do in Chapter 4... and save for one extra detail, it's repeated for Chapter 5. It's something that can be reduced down a touch. Most of the stuff that pops up in the Chapters here are mostly focused on the characters rather than the world though, which is still a great thing to have. It's small steps into further understanding and getting to know the cast, but it's definitely a nice touch.

Writing itself seems fairly good, more showing and less telling which is an excellent plus from the previous chapter which was something I touched on last time, granted, there's no combat this time to content with, but it's still nice to see!

This is something I was guilty off, but from a writing standpoint, less ellipses would be a positive. They are a handy tool to have when it comes to writing character dialogue. But there were so many of the things in chapter 5, especially at the start, where three whole lines actually start off with them. You could use description for any hesitation for the characters, and ellipses can be effective like I said with dialogue. But throw too many in, and they can break up the flow of actually reading them. Best be careful of overusing them.

Other than that, the Chapters serve their job in moving us over to the central location of the next plots, and hopefully sets the stage for learning more about the situation developing within the fic. Keep up the good effort!
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, so I originally got this chapter as part of an offsite Review Tag… which kinda came and went thanks to getting swamped by other commitments. Though I got halfway through it and thought it’d be a waste of a review to just bin it, so I went back and finished things on my own.

Since hey, I’ve already been having a pretty good time with this story, so might as well see where it goes:

Chapter 7

Just about every basic structure realm had a leader to it. Whether it was a country, fiefdom, city or town, there was always some structure form of systematic hierarchy in place. A king ruled over a country. He in turn entrusted the management of land to his vassals in exchange for loyalty and allegiance. The vassals looked after the land and collected taxes from the people, thereby keeping the country functioning.

Some suggested tweaks for this paragraph. Though I’m going to die of laughter if it turns out that Mitrofan’s coup managed to get its critical mass of support to succeed from his underlings being mad over something super petty like tax disputes or some magistrates being jerks.

This was true in Selenia, where the tsar entrusted oblasts to smaller dynasties who administered smaller matters within them. It was a system rigidly placed with hundreds of years of precedent, one that even the new regime of Mitrofan couldn't undo. And so lands were doled out in the fashion of old, some to lords who switched allegiances from a tsarist position to him, and also with others given over to lucky favored individuals as rewards.

Among those individuals stood was a certain Obstagoon that had become infamous among those who he presided over his subjects in the Ozerograd Oblast. He hadn't been given his land by Mitrofan; rather, he'd taken it by force by after killing the previous lord and lady. He took over residence in their villa after the deed, and installed himself as the self-proclaimed leader of the area. The brutish nature of his takeover also attracted the seedier, roguish types to his side, and which he created marshaled into a gang out of them, which he called the Thorned Roses. They kept his leadership intact through quashing resistance and through intimidation, violence and other shady methods.

Some more suggestions here. A couple of them are a bit more out on a limb, but I figured that they’d help a bit with the overall vibe and make things flow a bit more.

Ah yes, so Mitrofan just speed-ran past the whole Soviet phase of post-Imperial Russian history and straight to the post-Soviet era where mafias and oligarchs were just going around with “that’s my [X] now, pay up and stay of my way or die”. Lovely.

Meanwhile, he would be was the head honcho of it all, living the life of a lord and indulging in all the privileges that status brought. He spent most of his time out of town, in a villa not far from Ozerograd itself. He made sure to take full advantage of the previous lord's living conditions, guzzling exotic foods, and frequently raiding the wine cellar, usually becoming incredibly inebriated as a result of his excessive drinking.

Considering the observed mindset of Hinnerk’s goons in town from last chapter… yeah, I’d probably want some space from them too. They seem like they could get unruly fast if they weren’t kept constantly plied with shinies and recreational substances.

He also had luxurious furnishings in the villa, and he had servants to obey his every word. They were Thorned Roses, of course - he wouldn't have wanted the servants of the previous lord for fear of possible reprisal by them. It would’ve been all too easy to slip poison into his wine and kill him that way. He was one the sort to cut out potential problems at the root, rather than let them sprout later on.

He may have been strong, but it never hurt to be prepared. Thus, he engaged in training as a pastime to keep himself vigilant.

I’m actually wondering just how much of that wine winds up also going to his lackeys to keep them pliable. Since… yeah, criminal types do tend to be a bit liquid about their loyalties.

Though something about the narration feels a bit weird to me. I’m struggling to put my finger on why it seems weird to me, but it’s almost as if you’re shifting in and out of a personalized perspective between paragraphs.

Right now, the Obstagoon was laying into training dummies down by the shoreline of Lake Lazurny. A path led from the villa down to the lake, and floodgates had been set up along the path, just in case the lake's flooding annual floods reached that high. Granted, given the recent warm weather, Even if there was little worry danger of this it given the recent warm weather.

The sound of splintering wood came rang out as Hinnerk slashed the dummy to pieces with a finishing blow in Night Slash. It didn't stand a chance against the Normal and Dark-type's force, and crumbled to pieces in a pile.

Well that can’t be good for the nearby forests given how much wood this guy’s training regimen chews through. No ability to have someone make Substitutes for the occasion in this setting, I assume?

He reflected on his situation, as top dog of the Thorned Roses. Even among his men, he was fearsome feared, and some of them had been on the receiving end of his wrath for daring to speak up to him. [ In some cases, they had been servants, and admittedly, that did make him slightly paranoid that they might try and kill him in some way. ]

I think that this is another “muddled perspective” thing going on, since everything prior to the last sentence is written from the perspective of an outside narrator, while the last feels more like it’s Hinnerk’s thought process. Consider retooling it a bit more like the following if you’re intending to stay in omniscient narration:

Some of them had been his own villa’s servants. The Obstagoon had deemed such displays a necessary show of force, even if it and admittedly, that did made him slightly paranoid that they might try and kill him in some way.

Something to consider, anyways.

Maybe it'd be better to have no one serving me in that house, he thought to himself, before dismissing that thought. Nah. We all live for a day when we don't have to work. I'm not passing up being served by servants. Honestly...that's a dream life. Who the hell would pass that opportunity up?

You see, this is why you levy common peasants to do this work and assign lackeys of yours to keep an eye on their loved ones, Hinnerk. Much easier to establish deterrence when you can establish that there will be consequences beyond a would-be assassin’s self while not risking Chuck the Thorned Rose getting butthurt over being assigned dusting duty for the umpteenth time and doing something stupid while drunk.

Two names sprung to mind. And immediately, his mood soured.

...Well, not unless you're a certain team consisting of a do-gooder mudfish and a smug gecko with a tree stuck up his ass. Honest to Arceus...what's the point in going all the way to Grandmaster Rank and not accept all the honours that come with all that fame? Who in their right mind would pass that up? It's wasted on people like them!

That’s called ‘altruism’, Hinnerk. If you doled it on your subjects in Ozerograd a bit more often, you and the Thorned Roses would probably have less problems dealing with them. It’s a playbook that’s worked wonders for various criminal organizations throughout history.

Hinnerk found himself growled and gnasehd his teeth gnashing at the thought of the two figures that had come into his head. And I was having a pretty good day too, he thought to himself. But even when they're not here, those two bastards still manage to be the most irritating pricks to ever have walked Ardalion. Honestly...I'm gonna need another fill of wine to forget those thoughts.

With his mind made up as to what to do next, The Obstagoon made his way back up to the villa, readying himself for another plundering of the wine cellar. It may have only been around mid-morning, but Hinnerk was vexed enough by his thoughts to want to suppress them with alcohol.

Dude’s sure going to make the efforts of the local resistance to get rid of him easy with how he’s more or less destroying his liver in live-time.
:copyka~1:


He climbed the path to the top, past the floodgates. He reached the villa and was about to head inside, when…

"Ah, there you are, Boss. There was me thinking you were passed out on the canapé again from one of your drunken binges."

That sounds like a fast way to piss Hinnerk off if I ever heard one. Though I wonder if the second line flows better as something like “And here I thought you were passed out wasted on the couch again.” since it’s a bit more smooth and sounds a bit more “low-rent” as one would expect from what we’ve seen of the Thorned Roses.

The Obstagoon turned around in a slight huff, and saw none other than Mikhail. And behind him were a pair of Pokémon. Specifically, Bruno and Vivian, both of whom wore an expression that wished they were anywhere but here.

Oh, so it was Mikhail who was speaking. I wonder if the phrasing of his line is meant to be a deliberate hint as to his background, since it was definitely a lot more formal than I’d have assumed based off his last appearance.

Bruno + Vivian:
:AlviseScared:

Hinnerk: “This had better be good.”

This was, of course, due to Hinnerk's fearsomeness. But that image of him could not have been cultivated as well enough as it had if Mikhail hadn't been the second-in-command of the Thorned Roses. He was an able strategist, whose cunning and wit enabled them to effectively gather a motley crew of misfits and ruffians and organised them into a gang that would be able to reinforce Hinnerk's power and make the people of Ozerograd cower in submission to him and the Thorned Roses. Without Mikhail, Hinnerk would not be where he was now.

So Mik is the one who does the heavy lifting for running the show, huh? I do wonder if some of this stuff we’re told about Mik here would’ve had the point driven home a bit harder by sprinkling in a few more concrete anecdotes or firm details, since this “right hand man who lends competence” shtick feels like it’d be more impactful if we got to see in action more.

But this morning, due to his sudden foul mood, the Obstagoon wished himself that the viper was elsewhere anywhere else. He was in no mood to deal with him and his wily manner.

"What is it, Mikhail?" Hinnerk demanded, not making an effort to disguise his annoyance. "This better be good. If it isn't, then piss off."

inb4 the only reason why Mik hasn’t killed off Hinnerk in his sleep is because he needs him as a conduit to Mitrofan. Since that doesn’t exactly seem like a healthy dynamic between a leader and his second-in-command there.

"My, we're in a foul mood today, aren't we?" observed the Seviper. "But then that's what happens when you quaff alcohol like it's water on a daily basis. You wouldn't want to be known as Hinnerk the Drunken Imbecile, do you?"

Yeah, see above. Though from the level of casual disrespect Mik is slinging around, it now makes me wonder what has kept Hinnerk from killing him off in a rage since… yeah, from the way the narration was introduced, I can’t imagine that Hinnerk would normally tolerate that sort of sass.

"Shut up, Mikhail!" growled the Obstagoon. "Now what the hell are you here for?" His attention was then drawn to the two Pokémon behind Mikhail. "And why do you have two runts with you?"

"For one simple reason: they failed their mission." The Seviper turned to face the duo behind him. "You shouldn't have failed to apprehend that girl."

Um. Bruno and Viv are going to have appearances in this story past this chapter… right?
:FearfulMeowth:


"It wasn't our fault!" protested Vivian. "We would've got her if those stupid do-gooders hadn't showed up!"

"Yeah!" Bruno seconded. "W-We're not disloyal to you, Boss, really! It was as Vivian said! It was out of our hands!"

Hinnerk: “You two are aware that you should be groveling and begging for mercy right about now, right?”
Vivian: “B-But I thought we did, and-”
Hinnerk: “Grovel and beg harder.”

"Honestly, do you hear that desperation, Hinnerk?" Mikhail dismissed. "It's like a herd of wild Wooloo bleating sometimes. At least come up with better excuses in front of the Boss. How pathetic, Bruno and Vivian."

Well, I got the speaker wrong but I see I was on the right track for how those two’s lines would be received. I do wonder if we should’ve seen a bit more of Mik’s reaction in terms of body language to sell the sort of vibe that he gives off. e.x. if he’s rolling his eyes or if he’s taking a tone that’s more “Hinnerk, can I kill them already?”

"Bruno and Vivian…" Hinnerk scanned the two. "Oh yes, I remember now. The rookies that joined sometime back. The Meowth and that Deino boy with a girl's name." He snickered at this, looking at the dragon in question. "Vivian...Who the hell gave you that name in the first place? Was your voice too high-pitched to tell?"

Bruno: “For gods’ sake, Viv! Please don’t go on one of those rants about your name right now!”
:eltyscared:


Vivian was on the cusp of giving a retort. But he remembered who he was speaking to, and reluctantly held his tongue.

Yeeeeeah, I can’t imagine that would’ve ended well at all given that Bruno and Viv vibe as being rookies in Hinnerk’s gang.

"So what did Girl's Name and the other runt fail in?" the Thorned Roses' leader asked. "Was it something serious? It better not have been." He glared at the rookies, whose fear only increased tenfold.

"Thankfully, no. They were to apprehend a girl whose family's behind on rent payments," Mikhail informed. "They had the perfect opportunity, and squandered it. He looked over at the two in acknowledgment. "Tell the Boss exactly how you failed that simple task. Any excuses, and it's straight to latrine duty."

:TailsEww:


I mean, I suppose they’re getting off easier than getting the likes of a scar left to remember their screw-up, but yeah. Hard not to pity the two here.

Bruno and Vivian gulped when faced with the demanding leers of Hinnerk and Mikhail. The former swallowed his fear and spoke up. [ ]

"Two friends of the girl came along to save her," the Meowth began. "And they were a lot stronger than we thought. ...We lost to them," he admitted, embarrassed and ashamed.

"They were talking heroic crap about how they were going to help Selenia in its darkest hour. Or something like that," Vivian recalled scathingly. "That Riolu...Could he have been any more annoying? Talking like he was number one...He talked shit about the Thorned Roses, too. Said he hadn't even heard of us.

I kinda wonder if a bit more about Bruno and Viv’s body language and demeanor should’ve been said given that they’re steeling their nerves in front of a boss that has a reputation of doling out the hurt if not worse if he’s in a sufficiently bad mood. Like are they attempting to compose themselves? Quietly relieved that Mik is talking about sticking them with a crappy job (har har) instead of parting their heads from their shoulders? It’d go a long way to breaking up the blocks of dialogue and helping the readers to better visualize what’s going on in-scene.

"He was weird, too. His eyes were green, even though Riolu's eyes are normally red," elaborated Bruno. "...Stupid twit. He'll get what's coming to him. That Treecko, too."

Mikhail: “Yeah, I won’t be holding my breath. Though a ‘green-eyed Riolu’, huh? Why does that sound so familiar…?”

Hinnerk was half-listening to the explanation the rookies were giving him, not really caring at first. However, at Bruno's last statement, he suddenly snapped to attention.

A Treecko?

"A Riolu and a Treecko…" Mikhail murmured. "They might well be those two I encountered in the main square yesterday. That same Riolu talked back to me as well, as if he was some big shot. ...My Poison Tail showed him." He grinned evilly at the memory.

… Hinnerk already knows about Kallias’ family, doesn’t he?
:copyka2:


"...So that Riolu's a problem, then," Hinnerk noted. "...But I'm more curious about the Treecko. What did you glean find out about them?"

"...Hmm…" The Seviper racked his brains. "...I didn't notice any defining traits about the Treecko. The only thing I could say is that she was a girl around late adolescence, if I had to make an educated guess. ...I couldn't say for sure, really.

[ ]

To me, I personally thought the Riolu was the greater drawer of attention more noteworthy of between the two of them." He looked at his boss, curiosity in his eyes. "...Why do you ask? Why are you so curious about the Treecko?

Mik’s line of dialogue is long and idea-dense enough that you should consider breaking it up into two paragraphs and separate it with some description in between the two.

[ ]

"...Oh, it's just...something," Hinnerk replied. "Just a hunch, really. You two!" His raised voice made the Meowth and Deino jump. "Did you get names for them?"

"Names? Um…" Bruno racked his brains. "What was that Treecko called? Elvina? No...Elvira. Yes, it was Elvira!"

The mention of that name made Hinnerk think back. It was familiar. He'd definitely heard it being mentioned before.

Oh. Oh dear.
:ohnowen:


Though, IMO it might make sense to throw in some extra description for Hinnerk before he starts speaking up to describe him pondering and mulling things over a bit more explicitly.

Elvira…

With that name, a half-forgotten memory came back to him.

:uhhh:


Yeah, there is no way that anything good can possibly come of this.

Seven years ago...

Hinnerk walked through the back streets of Iria, clutching a sack. He had been tasked to transport a valuable commodity by his overheads superiors, and he obliged dutifully, knowing that his reward would be a lucrative one. At one point, he stopped, and looked through the small sack once more, double-checking that nothing had fallen out. That wouldn't end well for me if it did.

Oh hey, I know what Hinnerk’s goods are:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AuSdjrDG2c


He continued along the alley, strutting on all fours as a Linoone. He had not yet evolved, although he was putting in hours at night time in order to potentially trigger the evolution.

It'll happen one day, he kept assuring himself.

He wasn't too much further to his destination, at least. Just another bit to go, and…

While I get that you probably want to keep some things about Iria closer to your chest until Team Arian makes it there properly and presumably memories can get a bit fuzzy on details after seven years, I do wonder if there was a bit more that could be said about Hinnerk’s surroundings here.

"Hah...Finally, we're out of there."

The sound of the voice made Hinnerk freeze. Especially given that he knew who that voice belonged to.


What? What the hell is Kallias doing here?! No, no, no...if he sees me, then I'm doomed! Quickly, he looked for a hiding place. But there wasn't anywhere completely foolproof, so he had to make do with some stacked beer kegs. Please don't come down this far, please don't come down this far...he silently begged.

Oh, so Kallias was basically Batman for Outlaws and general ne’er-do-wells in Selenia back in the day, huh?

"You're telling me," a second voice sounded out. "I never thought we'd get out of there."

Shit...Melchior's here too?

inb4 this guy would turn into a massive coward and bail if he somehow thought he was in the same room as those two ever again. Makes me wonder if anyone has tried some Ditto / Zoroark antics on him in the past.

"Who would've thought it'd come to this in our lives?" Kallias's voice spoke, with slight mirth in it. "I mean, I'm grateful for the praise, but...it does wear on you when you just want to go home to the Guild. After all, I did promise Elvira I'd be home for her hatch day. I don't want to be away like last time."

Yeah, I knew that nothing good would come of Hinnerk finding Elvira’s name familiar. Though this doesn’t bode well at all for how well her house or Zenobia are going to hold up in the next few chapters.

"It's not for another few days, though," Melchior pointed out. "You've got time, Kallias."

"Yes, time. Time enough for the Tropius Carriers to deliver it," Kallias said. "That Dresilian merchant did promise me he'd have everything ready before then."

>Tropius Carriers

Wait, what is Selenia’s climate like such that they’re common enough to be aerial cargo haulers in their society. Though for this sequence, I wonder if it’d actually have been a little more interesting for Hinnerk to see Kallias and Melchior interacting with each other a bit.

Or else, I suppose getting into Hinnerk’s head a bit more as he tries to keep his nerves together and his fur dry from how panicked he was reading earlier on. But either way would go a long ways to making this back and forth between Kallias and Melchior a bit less disembodied.

"Let's hope he followed through," Melchior replied. "That would be most unfortunate, if the hatch day gift arrived late."

"True. I do love my little girl." Kallias's voice spoke with tenderness. "She and Zenobia mean the world to me. And I don't want to let Elvira down like last hatch day. To think she'll be eleven already...She's growing up fast. Before you know it, she'll be apprenticing at the Guild. And I'm sure when that happens, she'll be the happiest girl in the world."

Well, crap. Hinnerk’s remembering all of the inconvenient details for Elvira right about now. Guess that life living splendidly below the radar of the Thorned Roses is about to come to a screeching halt.

"I imagine she will," Melchior agreed. "...You're not going to give it to her right away, though, are you?"

"No, too soon," dismissed Kallias. "Not until she's a teenager, at least. But that's not too far away. Time flies, alright. My little girl will be a Grovyle before we know it. That's what it feels like these days."

Well, that certainly didn’t age well. Though it makes me wonder what work-life balance was normally like for mercenaries in this setting.

"Sure does," Melchior agreed. "...Hmm...I think the coast is clear. The crowd appeared to miss us."

"Thank the gods for that," Kallias replied, relief present in his voice. "My arms ache after signing all those autographs. I just want to get back to the Guild…"

"Let's go, then," Melchior replied. Then, to the immense relief of the Linoone in the alley, the duo strolled away back into the main streets.

IMO, there should’ve been at least 1 or 2 paragraphs of description between this and the preceding two paragraphs. Like what is Hinnerk thinking of various details that Kallias brought up here given that he remembers this whole episode enough to recall specific names.

...Thank Arceus they didn't see me, Hinnerk thought, breathing a sigh of relief. It'd be one thing to be spotted. But by Team Marshwood of all people? I'd never live it down. Now then...once the coast is clear, time to get out of sight.

After a short wait to make sure the Sceptile and Swampert were gone, the Linoone continued down the alleyway.

Can’t tell whether or not that’s a sign that Team Marshwood was really strong or if they were an amateur team at the time. Though that’s definitely a lot more familiarity than I was expecting between Hinnerk and them. Makes me wonder if Hinnerk himself was once upon a time in the Irian Guild.

It had been a close call of a moment, back then, trying to avoid detection. And frankly, it was a moment that he had dreaded on reflection hated remembering. Being so close to being caught by Kallias and Melchior, two individuals he loathed with a passion.

Yeeeeeah. I kinda wonder if we should’ve had a bit more context should’ve been provided regarding the context behind Hinnerk and Team Marshwood’s feud. Or else if that’s spoilers, if it could’ve been hinted at a bit more in terms of why he hated them and still does to this day.

But now...it proved useful to him. It’d highlight to helped him remember an important fact detail that he’d completely forgotten about typically dismissed beforehand: this.

Fernblade Kallias had a daughter named Elvira. And now there was a Treecko by the name of Elvira that had defeated two of his henchmen.

Some suggestions for some rephrasings here. Though yeah, I had a feeling that this was where that flashback was headed. Though that actually makes me wonder if Hinnerk knew that Kallias used to live around here, and given his overall vibe, if part of the way he treats the town is built around a petty impulse to try and “get even” with Team Marshwood.

...There's no way in hell that's a coincidence. I'd stake my whole claim to Ozerograd on it. ...So, like father, like daughter, eh? Typical. Just typical. Even when Kallias has disappeared off the face of the world, his spawn takes his place.

...But they're not the same,
he then thought to himself. Fernblade Kallias was in a league of his own. There's no way his kid's as powerful as he is. She's just a Treecko, after all. Which means...I may be able to reel her in.

I kinda wonder if it’d have made sense to show the gears turn in Hinnerk’s head a bit more explicitly of him weighing just how much of a threat Elvira is to him and how much he needs to respond. Since given that he doesn’t exactly think of Bruno and Viv as particularly competent or worth his time, it kinda feels like he goes a bit 0-100 for “kid of old enemy of mine caused problems for two of my random goons” to “yeah, this kid needs to be dealt with” at the moment.

A devilish smile appeared on the Obstagoon's lips.

"...Hinnerk?" questioned Mikhail, not knowing why his boss's foul mood had given way to a smirk.

"Change of plans, Mikhail," Hinnerk announced. "We have a Treecko to hunt."

I just realized that it is really, really fortunate for Zenobia that this is a setting where species isn’t tied to the mother’s, otherwise Hinnerk would have a leg up on also finding her as well just based off of the memory of Kallias mentioning Elvira’s species in passing that he had.

[ ]

"Do we now? Why the haste?" Mikhail wondered.

"Revenge, Mikhail." Hinnerk grinned evilly. "I've a strong hunch that Treecko is Fernblade Kallias's daughter."

Ah yes, going off and singling out randoms to murder over hunches. Boy does life in Ozerograd suck hard at the moment. I’m a little surprised that the denizens haven’t bailed for neighboring oblasts with leadership like this.

Though IMO, it might have merited describing Mik’s reaction / body language to Hinnerk’s comments a bit more, especially if he’s meant to be surprised.

"Fernblade Kallias's daughter?" The Seviper cocked his head. "You really think so?"

"I'm certain of it. If this Treecko conveniently named Elvira doesn't happen to have any relation to that smug bastard, then I'll eat carpet," Hinnerk replied. "He had a kid named Elvira, that puffed-up do-gooder. I'll be damned if it's a coincidence. And I can't think of a better way to get revenge on Fernblade Kallias by doing away with his little girl."

I mean, I kinda gathered already that Hinnerk was a terrible person, but boy is he giving a live demonstration in how evil is petty right about now. Guess Elvira will be having political dissident problems after all.

"A wonderful idea," Mikhail agreed, his expression taking on the same evil grin that Hinnerk was sporting. "That would be a delicious act of karma, wouldn't it?"

… What did Team Marshwood do to these two back in the day such that they think of killing off Kallias’ kid as a suitable revenge for things?

"Indeed, it would." Hinnerk licked his lips. "Looks like we got ourselves a wench to hunt. Scour the surrounding area for her, and when you find her, make sure to bring her back to me. But don't kill her. I want to be the one to send her to Yveltal's embrace."

>Achieve 0 Audience Sympathy - any% speedrun (TAS)

Though this feels like another bit that could use some more description. Also, I just realized, but where are Bruno and Viv during all of this…?

[ ]


"Understood. I'll get around to dispatching men to look for her." The Seviper then gestured to the two behind him. "But first of all. For your failure, you two are assigned to sewer treatment."

"Oh come on! Really?" protested Bruno. "But we told you about the girl's name!"

Ah yes, there they are. Even if I kinda wonder if there should’ve been more acknowledgement of their existence prior to this. The paragraph before Mik’s dialogue feels like it is a bit lacking in description to help visualize things for some reason.

Mikhail: “Would you rather that I take part of your ear over your screwup and your back-sass?” >:|
Bruno: “N-No, sewer duty sounds good to me.”
:FearfulMeowth:


"Doesn't matter. You lost to her," Mikhail dismissed. "Now hop to it! Those sewers won't clean themselves!"

Ouch. Though I have to wonder if butt monkey-ing Bruno and Viv is going to wrap around at some point, since something about them feels like they’re set up for potentially having a Heel Face Turn sometime down the road.

"Fine," accepted the Meowth reluctantly. "Vivian, let's just do it and get it over with."

"...Alright," sighed Vivian in defeat, before they turned around to leave.

"Don't worry, Hinnerk. I won't let you down," pledged Mikhail. "We'll find Fernblade Kallias's girl. And that Riolu, too. They'll make fine sacrifices." With that, the viper turned and made his way back to town with his two subordinates.

Sacrifices? Meaning that that bit about ‘Yvetal’s embrace’ earlier wasn’t just figurative language?
:grohno~2:


Though I suppose that would answer a few questions about why those Pokémon around town have been just flatly vanishing from the face of the earth and not having anything of them turn up.

"They sure will, Mikhail," the Obstagoon grinned, as he left. "It's annoying, though. His little girl has been hiding under my nose all this time, has she? If only I'd known that sooner...Oh well. Better late than never, I suppose." He turned his back and got ready to head into the villa.

Before he entered the building, Hinnerk looked to the blue sky, up to the heavens. A taunting smile crossed his face.

That'll show you, Fernblade Kallias. After the way you ruined my life...I'll gladly be all too happy to snuff the life from the girl that meant everything to you.

Am I supposed to be hearing Hinnerk’s lines with Gort’s VA from TtGC? Since… yeah, Hinnerk’s overall personality reminds me a lot of Gort’s in terms of the mix of pettiness, venality, and brutality that he’s got. Can’t tell whether or not it was intentional or not, since your story apparently takes some shades of influence from Xenoblade games in a couple chapters.

[ ]

"Mmm...this is rather nice," Zenobia commented, after eating a piece of nanab bread. "It's as good as mine, I'd say."

"Oh no, I wouldn't say so," Elvira replied. "This is good, but...nothing compares to your nanab bread, Mom."

homer-simpson-the-simpsons.gif


Though I wonder if there should’ve been a bit more description and scene-setting as part of the jump into this scene, since I’ll admit that there’s not a whole lot explicitly said to indicate “oh yeah, we’re back at Elvira’s house”.

"I haven't made it in a while. Perhaps when this leg of mine heals, I'll get around to making some."

It was the morning after Arian and Elvira had returned home from their escapade in Blossoming Meadow worn out and eager to rest. They regaled that day's exploits to Zenobia over dinner, and the Heliolisk congratulated them for their selflessness in jumping in to save the young Flabébé. The two Pokémon went to bed not long after, satisfied that they'd done a good day's work.

Now it was the next morning, and the three occupants of the house were eating breakfast. However, instead of preparing her own breakfast, Zenobia wished to try some of the nanab bread loaf that Arian and Elvira brought home the night prior. The two agreed, and so nanab bread was that morning's dish.

I… kinda feel like this is stuff that should’ve come before the opening bit of dialogue, since this is some fairly after-the-fact description right about now that makes some of the stuff brought up read strange or redundantly.

Though the “morning after” construction IMO should only be used once between the two paragraphs where it’s used. I left a suggestion assuming that you’d prefer to keep the second of the two.

"We would need nanab berries, though," Elvira pointed out. "And that's something I haven't seen in the marketplace for a while. Because all the merchants have been scared off."

[ ]


"What about someone like Conall and Caitríona?" suggested Arian. "Would they sell them?"

"They weren't selling them yesterday. Just items for Mystery Dungeon delving," the Treecko replied. "I wonder if they have any more intel for us."

"Guess we'll see when we go back into town today," Arian said.

This section feels a bit dense on dialogue, it might be worth dropping in some description highlighting how everyone’s reacting to Elvira’s mention that she doesn’t expect to be able to find Nanab Berries in town easily.

[ ]


"Going into town…" A worried look crossed Zenobia's face. "Are you sure, you two?"

"Well…" Elvira's reply faltered when she saw the concern in her mother's eyes.

IMO, the “worried look” that Zenobia has here would work better as description that’s pulled forward before her line. Though I have to wonder what’s gotten her worried now in a way that she wasn’t prior to Elvira and Arian’s trip to it with Tamara. If it’s their run-in with Mik, it probably makes sense for her to explicitly bring it up in her dialogue.

"We need to figure out what's going with the Thorned Roses," Arian reasoned. "We won't be able to find out anything without going into town."

[ ]


"I understand that. I really do." Zenobia's worry did not waver. "But think of yourselves as well. The fact that Arian was attacked and poisoned yesterday without provocation is only proof of the kinds of tricks the Thorned Roses will pull.

[ ]

If you must go into town, then please, please be careful…"

Another spot where inline description works a bit better pulled ahead and expanded a bit. Also, for whatever reason, the very last sentence of Zenobia’s line reads like it’s meant to come after some sort of pause or the like, which doesn’t come through when it’s attached to the rest of her dialogue with no breaks.

Though it’s probably a good thing that neither of Arian or Elvira seem to know Mik or mentioned his name, since I’m pretty sure that would take things deep into “nope, you’re staying at home today” territory for Zenobia.

"Don't worry, Mom. We will be," Elvira assured. However, she didn't sound so confident after hearing that speech from her mother. Arian could sense the sadness and doubt in her.

She got up and went to clean up. But at that moment, knocking was heard on the front door.

… Oh, speaking of Mik… that’s gonna be him right there, isn’t it?
:copyber:


"Who could that be?" wondered Zenobia.

"I'll get it," Elvira volunteered. She made her way out of the room and down the hallway.

"I'll go as well," Arian seconded, and followed Elvira. The Treecko reached the front door, and opened it.

Outside were two Pokémon. One of them was a pink, white and red insect-like Pokémon with two long scythes and a striped pattern along its legs. The other was a familiar face to the duo - a Petilil.

For a second, I thought those really were Thorned Roses, but nope. It’s just Flora. And who I assume is one of her parents.

"Oh, hello, Flora," greeted Elvira. "And Vardan as well. …It's good to see you."

"Likewise," the other Pokémon returned replied.

The voice of it was masculine, which was something of a surprise to Arian; their colouration did look a tad feminine to him.

"It's good to see you again, Elvira. It's nice to meet your partner too." He looked over her shoulder at the Riolu just behind her. "Arian, was it? Flora told me all about you. I'm Vardan, her father. It's good to meet you."

Vardan’s dialogue has enough going on in it that it probably makes sense to split it up into a few smaller paragraphs, especially the part where Arian is having internal commentary to himself regarding Vardan’s voice being unexpected.

Though it just occurred to me, but you use ‘returned’ a lot as a speech tag in this story. You might want to consider replacing some of them with ones like ‘replied’ or ‘answered’, which feel a bit more natural in context.

"Oh, er, you too," returned Arian, somewhat awkwardly. He looked away slightly, and then his gaze fell on Flora. "Hi, Flora."

"You're not great at introductions, are you?" the Petilil snarked.

Arian: “I-It wasn’t that bad, was it?” >///<
Flora: “Oh yes it was and you know it.”

"Don't be rude, Flora," Vardan chastised. "You said he was "You said he had amnesia. He's likely still getting adjusted to this new reality of his." He turned back to Arian. "I'm probably the first Lurantis you've seen, I presume?"

"Yeah. I haven't seen anyone like you before," Arian confirmed. "Then again, I haven't seen much since waking up."

I think you accidentally had a snippet left over from editing that you forgot to remove, since you have two separate beginnings to one of Vardan’s lines there.

[ ]


"Why did you come out here, Vardan?" Elvira wondered. "Flora, I understand. But why you as well?"

"Well, I came to see you and your mother," the Lurantis elaborated. "But there's another reason too, involving the two of you. Could we go in and discuss it?"

"Of course. Come on in," Elvira permitted.

IMO, this section would benefit from some description highlighting Elvira’s puzzledness a bit more through body language or the like, since it feels like one of those moods that would work a bit better more explicitly depicted.

And so the two visitors ended up having tea with the three residents of the house. Vardan brought some persim tea leaves, which brought another new taste to Arian's lips. He found he rather liked it. The taste wasn't a blessing on his lips - it wasn't quite that flavourful to him - but it was alright.

Wait, just how much time has passed since Elvira’s “come on in” here? Since for whatever reason, the two paragraphs read as if there’s a bit of a jump between them. To the point where you could probably have dropped in a scene break without things missing a beat.

"So how are things going in town?" Zenobia asked, taking a sip of tea.

"Same as always," Vardan replied, giving something of a chuckle with a light hint of bitterness. "Thorned Roses everywhere, everyone being fearful of them, and therefore so people tend to only go out if they absolutely have to. It's not been great for business, to say the least. But we're getting by, somehow."

[ ]


"And how's Diantha?" the Heliolisk queried. "I see she couldn't be with you today."

"No. She's holding down the fort while we're out here," explained the Lurantis. "She sends her regards, though. Oh, and she hopes you get better soon as well."

Another spot where IMO, it might make sense to throw in a bit of body langauge to help readers visualize this scene a bit better.

"I hope so, too. It's been quite limiting," agreed Zenobia, looking down at her injured leg. "On the upside, though, I've finally been able to dig into that bookshelf and find some literature. I've been re-reading the Mystery Dungeon Tales series. My goodness, it's bringing back memories of when Kallias showed that series to me. I'm going to jump right back into it once we're done here."

Ah yes, the obligatory cameo of the game series in-fic. Cute.

"All that talk about books and stories...You really are a family of bookworms," Flora remarked.

"Yes, and proud to be one," the Heliolisk countered. "Books are a gateway to another world. A brilliant escape from a grim reality. You should read with me, Flora."

Boy does that hit a bit close to home given the absolute state of the world for the past few years. Though I suppose you can’t say that it’s not a realistic response on Zenobia's part.

"Maybe," the Petilil deflected.

[ ]


"So you'll be looking after Mom for the day," Elvira said to Flora. "But why are you here, Vardan?"

[ ]

"Okay, there's a bit of a story to this one. This morning, Rosa came into our shop. And unusually for the woman, she was in a good mood,” he explained. “When I asked her about it, she told me that her daughter had been rescued from Blossoming Meadow by two young Pokémon. They were none other than a Riolu and a Treecko by the name of Arian and Elvira."

This section feels like there’s meant to be little pauses between Flora, Elvira, and Vardan’s lines respectively. It might make sense to more explicitly indicate them, especially if you’ve got any subtle body language or moods to show off between the three.

[ ]

"...Rosa? Would she be a Florges, by any chance?" Elvira asked.

Ditto here, especially if Elvira’s meant to be surprised by this coming up.

"Yes, she is. I know her well, and she and Diantha are good friends," explained the Lurantis. "Flora had already told me about Elvira forming a team with a Riolu named Arian, so it didn't take long to connect the dots.

[ ]

Truth be told, I was curious about this new development, so when Flora was getting ready to head out here, I decided to tag along,” Vardan continued. “So you do odd jobs that mercenaries of the Guild would've done, eh?"

"Yes. That's right," Elvira replied.

"Well, would you mind if I employed your services?" Vardan requested.

Vardan’s dialogue here is long enough that it probably makes sense to split it up between two separate paragraphs. Also, the line in response read ambiguously to me as to if it was Elvira or Arian who said it, so it might make sense to explicitly say one way or the other.

"You want to hire us?" Arian said. He hadn't expected this.

"Yes. I'll pay you, of course. Is 100P good for payment?" the Lurantis asked.

"That's alright," accepted Elvira. "As long as the job isn't super difficult, anyway."

… Isn’t that the sort of thing that you should ask before agreeing to payment, Elvira?
:copyka2:


""It shouldn't be," Vardan said. "I've wanted for the last longest while to go to Cyan Cove. You surely know of the pearls that are found deep within the place?"

"Yes, indeed," Zenobia replied. "Kallias fashioned a necklace out of some pearls for an anniversary present for me once."

So… there’s a bunch of Clamperl and their evolutions chilling there? Since I get the distinct feeling that there’s a lot of them there.

"Funny you should bring that up, Zenobia," Vardan said, with a light chuckle at the coincidence. "I want to get something similar for Diantha. With how things are going with the Thorned Roses, I would like to get her a gift to lift her spirits."

[ ]


"Oh, let me guess," presumed Arian. "You want us to find a pearl for you in Cyan Cove."

"Yes, that's it exactly," the Lurantis replied. "I'd like you to retrieve pearls from there. They're normally found in the depths of the Dungeon."

inb4 it gets eaten by a wild crabmon, since that wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen something like that happen in a fetch quest for jewelry in a beach area.

Though this section has been coming off a pretty long stretch of dialogue without description. It might be worth dropping a short paragraph in somewhere to mix things up a bit.

"Dungeon?" Then it clicked for Arian. "So it's a Mystery Dungeon, then."

"True. But it's a benign one. You shouldn't have much trouble with it," Vardan assured.

Arian: “Great, now you jinxed it.” >_>;

"He's right," Elvira seconded. "I've been there a few times. It's not too dangerous. We should be fine."

"And it's away from town," Zenobia added. "So hopefully, you won't encounter any Thorned Roses there."

"Well, let's not wait any longer, then." Arian got up from his seat. "Come on, Elvira. Let's get going."

I… kinda wonder if we should’ve seen a bit more of Arian’s thought process here. Like if he’s uneasy about the idea of going to Cyan Cove briefly based off one of his and Elvira’s past missions, it might make sense to more explicitly show off the wheels turning in his head a bit.

"Okay. I'll just get the bag and then we'll go," the Treecko said. She also got up from her seat, and left the kitchen to head to her own room, where their mercenary's bag was located. Arian followed her out of the room.

"What a pair," Vardan commented. "Guess she's finally taking after her father, eh?"

"Stop doing that, Dad," Flora chastised. "I told you; Elvira doesn't want to be compared to her dad. It'll only make her feel like she's not good enough."

Oh, so that’s how the two are related to each other. Noted, then.

"But in fairness, it will be hard to separate them," Vardan countered. "If word gets out about Elvira, people will inevitably compare her to her father. It's just what people do."

Wait, how has Zenobia managed to keep this a (relative) secret all these years?

[ ]


"I hope they don't," Zenobia expressed. "People always raise their expectations too high, and become disappointed when they fall short. Kallias encountered a fair amount of people like that who were expecting someone grand and heroic, only for his humble self to show up to them. Elvira's right to be worried about that kind of treatment."

"Hopefully she doesn't get it too bad," Vardan wished. "I wish her and Arian all the best. I really do. Who knows? They might well be the ones to knock the Thorned Roses down a peg or two. May Jirachi watch over them, and give them good fortune for times ahead."

This also feels like something that would benefit from some body language from some combination of Zenobia and Vardan. I’m also a bit interested as to if Zenobia’s cognizant of how Elvira’s parentage coming out would potentially be dangerous for her, since… child of a notorious government dissident that fell off the face of the earth and all that jazz.

"We go to the left," Elvira directed, once they had reached the road outside the house.

[ ]


"Hmm...I haven't been this way yet," Arian noted, as he followed his partner in her instructed direction. "What's in this direction?"

"Well, Cyan Cove is this way, of course. But this is the main road that links the two towns of Ozerograd and Lukomoria. Beyond that, it eventually leads to the Empyrean Mountains and Miletos."

This feels like we’re missing some scene-setting to establish what our present location is like, especially if we’re meant to be seeing anything new here. Though hey, new place names! Wonder how long it’ll take for those to become relevant in-story.

"The Empyrean Mountains?" Arian asked quizzically. "What are those?"

"The Empyrean Mountains…" Elvira considered what to say. "...I'd say they're the most prominent physical feature in Ardalion. It runs down the centre of the continent, and every single country has a part of the mountain range in them. All of the continent's major rivers run from there, and act as the lifeblood of Ardalion, nourishing millions of people. And the mountains themselves are massive. They're some of the tallest mountains in the country, some mountains reaching above the clouds themselves. They're honestly dominating. We should go see them at some point."

I… kinda feel that Elvira’s line here is a bit long-winded and unwieldy. Consider some combination of condensing and splitting this paragraph up. Here’s one throwaway possibility for what that could look like:

"The Empyrean Mountains…" Elvira considered what to say. "... Well, it’s hard to think of a geological feature that’s more prominent in Ardalion. It’s a mountain range that runs down the centre of the continent, through every single country on the continent and all of its major rivers originate from there.”

[ Elvira mimes the mountains being huge or whatever ]

And they’re massive,” she insisted. “Why, the tallest mountains in Selenia are part of that range! Some of them even reach above the clouds themselves!”

[ Elvira wistful look or something here ]

“It’s honestly something you need to see for yourself to understand, the way they just dominate everything,” she said. We should go see them at some point."

Food for thought, at least.

"Ooh...I'd like to see that," the Riolu said enthusiastically.

Ah yes, Arian’s got his best
:riowolu:
face on at the moment. Though it might make sense to either make this “see” here or in the prior paragraph different since it sounds a little repetitive in its present formulation.

"They are quite a sight," the Treecko agreed. "They're like a barrier between the western and eastern halves of Ardalion. It's only thanks to a few narrow passageways that we can even link them. And even then, those are fairly treacherous to trek through. I have thought, though that the Empyrean Mountains being a barrier isn't necessarily a good thing."

"What do you mean?" Arian asked.

Something about Elvira’s line here feels like it’s a bit motor-mouthy and a bit of a sudden topic jump to how they function as a barrier. It might make sense to transition a bit more into things by using Arian to tee things up with some added dialogue. e.x. as another throwaway example:

"Ooh...I'd like to see that," the Riolu said enthusiastically. “Though if the Empyrean Mountains run through every country of Ardalion… does that mean that we’d run into Pokémon from outside Selenia there?”

[ Some body language or something from Elvira here ]

"Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it," the Treecko said. "The Empyrean Mountains are effectively a barrier between the western and eastern halves of Ardalion outside of a few narrow passes through them. And even then, those are fairly treacherous to trek through.”

[ Elvira disappointed reaction here ]

I sometimes wish it wasn’t like that,” she murmured. “There’s times when I think that the Empyrean Mountains being a barrier isn't necessarily a good thing."

"What do you mean?" Arian asked.

Just taking a bit of time with Elvira’s paragraph here helps it feel a bit more natural and also gives an opportunity to show off her and Arian’s moods a bit more.

[ ]


"You wouldn't know this, Arian, but the truth is that there's a big West-East divide in Ardalion," revealed Elvira. "That is to say, there's rivalry and considerable friction between Selenia and Alba, the countries west of the Empyrean Mountains, and Dresilia and Miletos, the countries of the east. You see, the east has better land than the West, which in the past led the eastern countries to become more powerful than their Western equivalents. But this led to the east looking down on the West like they're barbaric, backward savages. And this means that the west now looks on the east like they're selfish and egotistic."

"Really? Is it that bad?" the Riolu wondered.

Oh, so I was onto something about Dresilia and Miletos considering westerners a bunch of barbarians. Boy is that a great™ omen for some of the stuff that happened in their shared histories.
:copyber:


Though this is another part where it’d probably make sense to blow up Elvira’s dialogue into smaller pieces, e.x. as a potential implementation:

"I suppose you wouldn't know it as a human, but there's a big West-East divide in Ardalion," Elvira explained. "For the longest time, there's been a rivalry and considerable friction between the countries west of the Empyrean Mountains and the countries of the east. Selenia and Alba against Dresilia and Miletos.”

[ Elvira body language ]

“You see, the east of Ardalion has better land [for farming or whatever] than the west, which in the past allowed the eastern countries to become more powerful than their Western equivalents,” she explained. “It led to both sides looking down on each other. Even to this day, a lot of Pokémon from the east looking down on the west like we're barbaric, backward savages. And a lot of Pokémon here in the west now look down on ones from the east as being selfish and egoistic."

"Really? Is it that bad?" the Riolu wondered.

There are others, but it’s something to consider if you ever revise this chapter.

"Mmhm. And the Empyrean Mountains make this difference the divide all the more real," the Treecko went on. "Once you're on the opposite side, it's easy to view it as a world different from your own. The same goes for the people. If you're not a regular traveller between the halves of Ardalion, it's easy to believe what you hear."

"So there's racism at play in this world…" Arian murmured.

Oh, so Arian still remembers ‘racism’ as a term from his time as a human. I kinda wonder if there should’ve been been more of a “wait, I know this!” internally from Arian to play up the ‘lingering memories’ shtick a bit more.

"Unfortunately, yes," Elvira accepted. "But obviously not all the stereotypes are true. Dad and Melchior had requests from the east by people who knew better than to believe in rumours. The tsar was also building bridges between the east and Selenia. While it was never an alliance as such, it was pretty close to it.

[ ]

A shame Mitrofan had to come along and derail all that."

[ ]


"Wait a minute," Arian pondered. "If the leaders of the east were good friends with the previous tsar, then why aren't they doing anything about Mitrofan?"

Wait, Pokémon from a shared land (e.x. Selenians) think of themselves as unified races? I’m admittedly a little surprised to hear that given how internally diverse just the population we’ve seen in Selenia is. Part of me thinks that there might have been a bit of a missed opportunity to have Elvira go “Wait, what’s ‘racism’?” with Arian explaining things as he vaguely remembered them and Elvira going “Oh, it’s bigotry/[whatever]ism. Yeah, we have that here too, unfortunately.” but eh. Your setting, your rules.

I do feel that this sequence would’ve benefitted from a few more communicated pauses / body language. But that might just be me being a bit more of a more “visual” writer.

"There isn't the political will in the east to do anything about Mitrofan," the Treecko replied. "Even if the leaders supported Mitrofan's removal, they'd still have to get approval from their nobles, and that would be an arduous task. It's apathy more than anything that's keeping them."

[ ]


"...That's terrible," replied the Riolu, partly shocked by the reason given. "Apathy? Really? But there are people suffering over this side of the mountains! They need help!"

inb4 someone from Dresilia or Miletos actively aided Mitrofan’s coup with material support. Since there’s definitely a long history IRL of the Greco-Roman world meddling with the political affairs of neighboring barbarians to try and nip potential threats in the bud.

"If it's over the other side of the mountains, then it's not their problem. That's simply how they'd view it," Elvira reasoned. "I know. It is terrible. But that's just the way it is. Plus, from what I hear, they've had their own upheavals to deal with. They'd probably have bigger things on their plate than help out a country that's been despised by most of their citizens and nobility."

So on a scale of 1 to “Crisis of the Third Century”, just how boned are things out east? Though I can already tell that you’re going to have fun with Rebirth, since it gets some good mileage out of ‘imploding Rome’ as a setting.

"That's…" Arian tried to come up with a response, but came up with nothing. He could only walk on in silence, slightly staggered by what he had heard, about the inactivity of the east in the face of this calamity in the west. How could they be so selfish? he thought to himself.

I mean, the prologue did imply that all of Ardalion was having problems, so for Greco-Roman themed nations, that could potentially mean… oh in no particular order: crop failures, urban unrest from grain doles running out, epidemics, currency crises, bandits running rampant across the countryside, a good-old fashioned spot of civil war or two… lots and lots of “systemic crisis” options just based on IRL history that could be rolled even after taking “barbarian invasions” off the table. So don’t get too convinced that it was purely selfish apathy that made them indifferent to Selenia’s problems, Arian.
:copyber:


The two walked on in silence for the next while. Arian was still lost in thought about the east-west divide Elvira told him about, while the Treecko herself had gone silent went quiet, presumably lost in her own thoughts.

The silence reigned lingered as the two of them walked further down the road. Eventually, Arian's thoughts drifted from his previous discussion with Elvira, and to their surroundings. Once again, the day was bright and sunny, and it brought out the best in the landscape. The grass was green, a gentle breeze blew, and the sun shone brightly, casting the land in a warm glow.

"Yet another beautiful day," he remarked.

"...Mmm," was all that Elvira murmured in agreement.

Arian: “... Elvira? Are you alright? Since you don’t really sound alright right now…”
:riohnolu:


That's strange, the Riolu thought to himself. Is that all Elvira has to say? He looked over at the Treecko, and noticed that she had a pensive look on her face. What's she thinking about?

I’m honestly a bit surprised that his Aura abilities aren’t helping him sense her feelings a bit, though I’m going to go with “something something, they’re still spotty for Arian right now”.

"Elvira?" he asked. "Is something the matter?"

"Hm?" Elvira seemed to snap out of her thoughts. "Oh no, I'm fine. Really."

[ ]


"Are you alright? You seem a bit out of it," Arian observed. "Penny for your thoughts?"

Might make sense to have either Arian or Elvira’s body language described at some point in this sequence to break things up in terms of the number of primarily dialogue paragraphs.

"'Penny for your thoughts?'" Elvira repeated, rather confused. "What does that mean?"

"Oh, um. 'What's on your mind?'" the Riolu said. "You haven't heard that expression before?"

Elvira: “I mean, I don’t know what a ‘penny’ is, so…”
:eltywtf:


"...No. Never. What is a penny?" wondered Elvira. "And what does that expression mean?"

"A penny?" Arian was surprised at this gap in knowledge from the normally knowledgeable Treecko. "It's one coin. Like one Poké. A small amount. Where it comes from…" He thought about it. "I don't know myself, actually."

"Hm. Must be a human thing," mused Elvira.

"I guess so."

Well, that’s one way to tell that Arian came from some analogue to the Anglosphere back in his world. Since I doubt he’d have used the same idiom had he hailed from someplace like Paldea or the like.

"So your memories of the human world haven't been wiped completely, then?" Elvira said. "If you can recall that…"

[ ]


"Some vague things come back to me, I guess. But I can't remember anything major." That was still beyond the Riolu's reach.

Wait, what was the “that was” in this case? Like I get that it’s supposed to be “something major”, but it might make sense to give some throwaway examples of what Arian considers major. Also, it might’ve made sense to put in a paragraph in between as a pause, e.x. focusing on Arian going “hey, she’s right, actually” regarding his memory or something like that.

"It's alright. Maybe it'll come back to you in time." Elvira was about to say more, but then she saw where they were. "Oh, here we are. The road to Cyan Cove.

a Y-junction lay in front of them, with a small side road veered downhill to the right, down to a small beach. The signpost at the junction helpfully informed them of what was in each direction.

Lukomoria, Milenia Pass, Empyrean Mountains, MILETOS
Cyan Cove

"So to the right we go," Arian said.

Another recommendation to use indent for in-setting signage again. Though Ozerograd is this close to Miletos, huh? Didn’t expect that to be the case.

The two walked down the hill. As they got further down, It wasn't long before they reached the rocks above the cove itself; a small inlet with [ ]. However, it was different to the beach just outside Elvira's house. This beach was more sheltered, with rocky formations all around the beach. True to its name, the sea seemed to shine a bright cyan colour in the inlet.

I think that you accidentally snipped something after “a small inlet with” at some point of editing, since the sentence ends very abruptly there.

"Where's the Mystery Dungeon?" Arian wondered.

"It's down on the beach, near the centre of it," Elvira said, pointing to where she directed. "We'll have to climb down the rocks to get there."

"...Alright then. Shouldn't be a problem."

Can’t tell if it’s really going to be that easy or if Arian jinxed themselves.

And indeed, it wasn't. The rocks were large, and climbing down them proved unchallenging. Occasionally, Arian made some unsteady footings were made by Arian, thanks to having never who hadn't climbed in his body of a Riolu before, but in the end, they both made it to the Mystery Dungeon without incident.

Well, guess it really was that easy. Though I left some suggestions for some slight rephrasings for this paragraph.

And right away, Arian noticed it, as he stepped onto the sand.

It was a cave. But it seemed like a dark, black abyss where no detail of the cave's insides could be made out. This being the third instance of this time he’d seen such an oddity, the Riolu knew immediately what this meant.

"So that's it, then," the human remarked. "The Mystery Dungeon. Are there really pearls in here? It looks a bit plain on the outside."

Arian: “I mean, ‘plain’ might be underselling it a bit given that this looks more… ‘ominous’ to say the least, but yeah. Not seeing the big difference between this and the other Mystery Dungeons we went to before.” .-.

"That's because you haven't seen the inside," Elvira countered. "Never judge a book by its cover. Or in this case, never judge a cave by its entrance."

"Okay, that's at least a saying we have in the human world. The first one anyway," Arian replied. "Guess our sayings aren't so different after all."

Watch as Elvira drops a saying on Arian at some point that just throws him into a loop. Would potentially make for some top comedy.

[ ]

"I guess not. ...But anyway. Let's head in and get what Vardan wants."

And with that, the duo headed in.

It might just be me, but I think that it might be worth showing the gears turn in Arian’s head a bit before he opts to head in. Especially if he has been building up any thoughts about MDs lately and has any thoughts about the one that he and Elvira are about to jump into.

Once again, Arian and Elvira returned to the familiar format of the maze. However, this was a bit different for the former Riolu, due to the fact that this was his first Mystery Dungeon that was a cave. Thankfully, it wasn't dark to the point of sightlessness, and even if it was, Arian would be able to see just fine due to his good night vision as a Riolu.

That… kinda feels like a major character detail that didn’t really get played up at all in earlier chapters. I’m actually a little surprised that the story didn’t make a big deal out of “whoa, didn’t know I could see like this” at moments like when Arian went through that tunnel to sneak into Ozerograd.

Something to keep in mind if you ever get around to doing revisions of the earlier parts of your story.

"So this is Cyan Cove's Mystery Dungeon?" the Riolu said, looking around at the cave. "...Not bad. But would we really find pearls in here?"

"Yes. There's an area at the end where there's a huge deposit of them," Elvira told him. "We just need to make our way there. There's no need to scour every floor like we did the last two times."

I’m actually curious if there are a bunch of Clamperl that live in this MD, since there’s only so many Pokémon that create them… unless if vanilla pearl oysters also exist in this setting.

"...Good. That takes the stress off things," Arian said, a hint of relief in his voice. "Well then...I guess we'll start looking for the stairs."

And so they started searching. A walk through the corridors and rooms revealed a cave with a seabound theme. Puddles of water were everywhere, and the scent of saltwater invaded Arian's nose. He tried hard not to sneeze.

He and Elvira rounded a corner. There, they were approached by a Roggenrola.

I kinda wonder if there should’ve been a couple of explicit details for what this “seabound theme” looks like, though Roggenrola, huh? So it’s not just going to be a bunch of fish in this MD.

"A Rock-type? Oh, I do well against those!" he recalled, remembering what he'd been told about types by Elvira and Tamara two days prior. He charged a Force Palm and struck the Mantle Pokémon, staggering it. However, that was not enough to knock it out.

"Allow me to help, Arian," Elvira requested, before stepping forward and using Absorb. That did the trick, and the Roggenrola was down.

I get that this is not exactly supposed to be a long skirmish, but I do wonder if there should’ve been more detail thrown in for describing what this looked like visually.

"Thanks, Elvira," Arian said gratefully.

"No problem," the Treecko replied. "Rock-types are known for being physically hardy. So don't be surprised if you don't knock them out in one hit, even with an attack like Force Palm that they're weak to."

"Right. Gotcha."

Oh, so that’s how the locals parse Sturdy in this setting. Watch as it turns out to be Mitrofan’s ability, too.

"There are plenty of Rock- and Water-types in this place. We shouldn't have too hard a time," Elvira said. "Even so, remember what I said."

"I understand, Elvira."

They continued along the path. It was fortunate for them that the stairs were in the next room.

Small capitalization error here.

"Would you look at that! What a pleasant surprise," Arian chirped. "They were right here waiting for us."

"Down we go, then," Elvira said, and the duo climbed down the steps.

… Wait, what does a Riolu sound like when ‘chirping’?
:copyka2:


The two Arian and Elvira made good progress through the Mystery Dungeon afterwards. The next two floors yielded little to no few incidents for them, and they also picked up some more items and money that were laying on the floor. The Pokémon of the Dungeon were also no trouble; it was they were mostly Water- and Rock-types that went down to Elvira and Arian's attacks with ease.

The fourth floor proved a bit more troublesome for them, though. The wild Pokémon still fell easily, but the stairs proved to be elusive to find. And after a while of trudging around the labyrinth, Arian found himself wanting to take a break. He wasn't tired, but wanted an opportunity just to stop and sit down for a while.

Some suggestions for some minor tweaks here and there to make to smooth things out a bit. Though that actually makes me wonder if MDs in this setting will make you hungry / worn out eventually like the ones in-game do.

They were making made their way down another corridor. They and reached the end of it, but a scan of the room it led into revealed no other exit to the room.

"Dead end," Elvira said to Arian. "Back we go."

"Wait a minute, Elvira," the Riolu requested. "Do you mind if we take a break first? I could kinda use it right now."

Huh. Guess there must be a hunger / fatigue mechanic in MDs in this setting after all.

"Well...alright," the Treecko accepted. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt."

She stepped back into the room, and sat down on the floor, next to a rock. Arian followed her into the room, and sat down opposite her. The room had a body of water in it, though a quick sniff from the Riolu found it to be saltwater, and thus not the sort of water to fill up their canteens with.

There were two canteens, and Arian took a swig from one of them. Although he was not overly thirsty, he found it a blessing to drink it at that point.

IMO, Elvira’s dialogue should be split off from the rest of the immediately following paragraph, though I wonder if it makes more sense for Arian to notice the saltwater after drinking, since it feels like “refill canteen” would be more on his mind after it’s a bit emptier. I suppose alternatively, you could tweak things such that he thinks more on the lines of “whelp, can’t drink that water, good thing we have canteens”, though his present train of thought reads a bit strange to me.

"Any reason why you asked to stop?" Elvira wondered.

"The search for the stairs is getting tedious," complained the Riolu. "Just wanted a little break before moving on."

Elvira: “... Isn’t your species supposed to be able to cross three mountains and two canyons in a single night? You’d think that this would be small potatoes in comparison.”
:eltywtf:

Arian: “Wouldn’t know anything about that, really. Though even then, it’s not the same as seeing the same cave surroundings over and over again.”

"It can be frustrating," agreed Elvira. "We're about halfway there. A little rest wouldn't hurt. Whenever you're ready, we'll get back on the move."

"Thanks."

Arian took a bite out of an apple. As he ate it, he looked across at his partner. Elvira had partially submerged her left hand in water, and was looking into its crystal clear depths. By the looks of it, her mind was elsewhere. That reminded Arian of the conversation they'd had earlier, and he decided to tie up that loose end.

Actually, is Arian feeling hungry at all during this? Or just worn out? Since there wasn’t really any acknowledgement of him being in the mood to eat prior to him taking a bite out of this apple that just came into play. I wonder if it might have made sense to emphasize what sort of fatigue he was feeling a bit more such that “yeah, I need food” would cross his mind as a solution.

"So what was on your mind earlier?" he asked.

"Hm? What?" Elvira snapped out of her slight trance.

"Your mind's wandering. There's something bugging you," Arian pressed. "You want to tell me?"

I kinda wonder if this part or the prior paragraph to this block should’ve been a bit more direct about what the “conversation they’d had earlier” was, since it’s a wee bit vague here. Like is this their conversation about how the east and west of Ardalion don’t get along, or…?

"Well…I suppose you would have to hear it at some point." Elvira sighed as she began. "You haven't been told about the recent extreme events happening across Ardalion, have you?"

[ ]


"Extreme events?" Arian shook his head. "No, this is the first I've heard of them. It doesn't sound good, though."

IMO, the “it doesn’t sound good” part is superfluous and the sense of “yeah, they’re probably bad” can be primed a bit more effectively by showing Elvira in a bad mood or else having Arian put things together in his internal thought process.

"It isn't. Over the last few years, there's been a gradual increase in natural disasters like volcanic eruptions and earthquakes," Elvira explained. "And then there's The weather’s also been getting more extreme weather , too. In the last year alone in Selenia, the autumnal storms were much more fierce, the winter was bitter cold, and this summer, about a few weeks before you arrived, we had a heatwave and a drought."

Left a suggestion to smooth out part of Elvira’s line. Though I kinda wonder if she should’ve given more concrete anecdotes to give a ‘face’ to these weather disasters. Like was the winter cold enough that Pokémon were freezing to death in their homes? Did the drought cause crop failures in other oblasts in Selenia? Just feels like we’re not at quite the same level of “visceralness” as volcanic eruptions and earthquakes here.

"Really? But the weather's been nice the past two days, hasn't it?"

"Yes. Too nice, if anything. Too much sun, and not enough rain. We had some rain a few weeks ago, but it wasn't anywhere near enough. For Selenia's crops and the livelihoods of the people, it's quite worrying."

[ ]


"That's not good." Immediately, Arian understood the gravity of the situation. "If there's no rain, crops can't grow, and water supplies can't be replenished."

"You've got that right. There's a well at the back of our house where we get our water from," Elvira went on. "The water level's getting worryingly low. If rain doesn't come soon, then I don't know what we're going to do." She let out another long sigh.

Oh, so crop failures are on the table after all. Suddenly that comment about them not being able to get Nanab Berries at the market feels a lot more ominous. Though I wonder if this is something that should’ve been foreshadowed a bit for background chatter in earlier chapters, since you’d think that “water shortages” would be a bit more on the minds of random Pokémon in and around Ozerograd and that it’d help with that moment of realization for Arian where you can show him thinking back to those little anecdotes and having an “... Oh.
:riohnolu:
” moment internally.

Oh God, that sounds bad. This is a problem that's affecting everyone…

[ ]

"I really don't like talking about them those disasters," the Treecko continued gloomily. "At least we can hold out hope that the Thorned Roses and Mitrofan can be taken out by our own hands. But these events are out of our control. No one knows anything about why this is happening."

She looked at the ground. [ Elvira low mood reaction here ]

"I just hate being powerless like this…"

Some suggestions for some places where you could potentially expand and reword a couple places. Though I wonder if Elvira should’ve elaborated a bit more on the “powerless” angle a bit, since the idea that even if you get rid of the TRs and Mitrofan, that all your hard work could just be all for nothing thanks to nature deciding “lol, screw Selenia” one day has got to be fairly demoralizing, but I wonder if it’s a little too implicit at the moment.

[ ]

"It's alright, Elvira," Arian assured. "There has to be an explanation. There just has to be. And who knows? Maybe one day we'll find it out together."

"Maybe. …Thanks, Arian. I guess this is what a partner is for, huh? To lift the other's spirits when they're down." Elvira then rose from her position. "Are you okay to keep going, Arian?"

"Sure I am." Arian got up as well. "Come on. Let's find the exit."

IMO, it might make sense to note Arian / Elvira’s reactions a bit more in description. Though if it weren’t for the fact that we’re in a seaside cave, I’d have asked if this was the moment depicted on the story’s cover. Since the pose definitely feels close enough to it.

The two made it through the rest of the Mystery Dungeon without much incident. Arian could at least say now that he was getting the hang of his moves, and his Force Palm was quickly proving to be his most viable option of attack. This was something that Arian’s progress didn't go unnoticed by Elvira, and she chose to speak up about it once they'd climbed the stairs on the sixth floor.

"Your Force Palm's quite powerful," she noted. "But my word of advice would be to not be overdependent on any one move. Your fighting style might become predictable."

That feels like it’ll be a bit easier said than done as a Riolu, since Riolu don’t exactly have deep movepools in-game.

"I see," Arian said. "I suppose I could use Quick Attack or Metal Claw more. Change up my attacks every once in a while. But we're at the end anyway. No more wild Pokémon to worry about."

[ ] The part of the cave they walked into had quite a large ceiling, from which a few stalactites hung. But what drew Arian's attention more was the large, cyan-coloured pool of water in front of them. One question stuck out to him, though, as he looked around.

"Where are the pearls?" he asked. "...I don't see any around."

The part where Elvira and Arian talk about his Force Palm feels a bit disconnected from the “right, back to the grotto” part. It might make sense to throw in either a line of dialogue or an additional sentence to your description paragraph that basically amounts to “Arian, heads up.”

"I know where they are," Elvira said. "Follow me." And Arian did so, following her to the edge of the water. The cyan blue water was incredibly clear, and he could see the bottom of the pond.

"Whoa," he reacted. "That's…deep."

"I know," Elvira replied. "But it's nothing I can't handle. Stay here, Arian. I'll get the pearls."

Wait, Elvira can swim? I didn’t realize that. Though I suppose I should ba a bit less surprised when her dad’s teammate was a Swampert.

"Wait a minute. Elvira, what are you - "

Arian didn't even get a chance to finish his sentence before Elvira ran forward. Then a big splash sounded out, and next thing he knew, he saw the Treecko in the water, swimming down to the bottom.

"Elvira!" he cried out instinctively. He was about to continue, but broke cut himself off as he saw her movements. She was actually quite an adept swimmer, and was able to reach the pool's floor effortlessly. Then she appeared to reach out for something by one of the rocks at the bottom. After that, she then made her way back up, and surfaced again.

I wonder if this is a bit too “tell” for pointing out that Elvira’s a strong swimmer. For instance, consider the following throwaway rework that tries to make things a bit more visual:

"Elvira!"

Arian rushed over to the water only to stop himself as he peered down into it. Much to his astonishment, Elvira’s movements through the water looked smooth and fluid as her tail and limbs brought her to the pool's floor effortlessly. She moved around amongst the rocks on the bottom as she reached out for something by one of them. She wrapped a hand around it, before pulling up, kicking and batting her tail upwards in the water until she surfaced again.

Doesn’t specifically have to be that, and it might not be what you really envisioned for this moment, but yeah. I feel that giving more explicit details would potentially make this more interesting to read. Though yeah, my money’s totally on her being able to do this because Melchior taught her.

"Hah…!" she breath gasped, taking in air. "Got them...Got the pearls." She wordlessly laid out her findings, as she took in more breaths of air.

[ ]


"So that's what we were looking for," Arian observed, taking in his paw a few of the pearls.

"Yeah...Vardan will be thrilled with this find," Elvira said, as she gradually regained her breath. "You could certainly make a necklace with these."

IMO, it probably makes sense to have a paragraph laying out what these pearls look like (e.x. are they white? Colored pearls?) and how many of them are present since… yeah, currently, it’s not even mentioned as to what general number of pearls Elvira set out in front of Arian.

"So that's mission accomplished, then?"

"Yes. All that's left is to pack these up and head out of here."

"Cool.

[ ]

...Say, you swam rather well back there," noted the Riolu, as he began to pack up the pearls.

IMO, I would pull the bit about Arian packing up the pearls forward into a standalone description paragraph. Since it better plays into the idea that he has a pause between his “Cool” reaction and him remarking on Elvira’s swimming prowess.

"...Oh, I've learned over the years," Elvira told him. "My dad taught me well, and I used to practice with him back in the day, usually when he was home. 'It never hurts to learn how to swim,' he'd say. It certainly helped out today."

[ ]


"That's the pearls gathered up," Arian announced. "Let's get out of here."

Oh, so it wasn’t Melchior who taught her how to swim. Noted, then. Though I wonder if there should’ve been a bit more internal thought or something from Arian after Elvira’s response, since something about his next line feels like it’s meant to come after a small pause of some sort that isn’t presently there.

And so they left the Mystery Dungeon. As they walked back out to the beach and into the afternoon daylight, Arian looked back with a sense of satisfaction.

Another day, another successful mission. I just hope this streak keeps up.

Cue things going horribly, horribly wrong in like a scene, since Hinnerk’s brilliant idea to get Elvira and kill her didn’t exactly just magically fade out.

"Oi!"

Evening was beginning to descend on Ozerograd. And with the beginning of the descent into evening came time for Caitríona and Conall to close up shop for the day.

However, in the midst of closing their stall, they were accosted by two Thorned Roses. But not just any two Thorned Roses.

It was a Krokorok and a Gligar.

Oh boy, it’s the gate gang all over again. Didn’t think that we were going to see them again in the story.

"Hm?" Conall turned around and saw them. "Oh, hello there."

"We meet again, ya ol' mutt," the Krokorok growled. "We got us a few questions to ask ya, and yer gonna answer 'em, pronto. Got it?"

Well, this isn’t going to end well. Though not sure if it’s going to be the TRs or Conall and Caitríona who are in for a world of hurt.

"I sure do." Strangely, he didn't sound fearful in the slightest, despite the intimidating look from the sand crocodile. "Well, Ríona, let's see what these kids have to tell us."

Okay, yeah, it’s the TRs who will be in for a world of hurt.

"Hey! Don't call us kids!" raged the Gligar. "Remember whose territory you're walking on! Don't you dare pretend you're above us Thorned Roses!"

Admittedly, I didn’t expect the Krokorok to also still be a ‘kid’, though I suppose I’m a bit biased since I write stories where midevo ‘mons are commonly adults.

"Sure, I understand." Again, there wasn't the slightest ounce of fear from Conall. "Now what do you adults have to question us about?"

[ ]


"A bit better," mumbled the Gligar.

"These two." The Krokorok produced a poster. "Boss has us lookin' for 'em. Know anythin'?"

Ah yes, time for things to go sideways. Though I just realized that we haven’t had a whole lot of interleaving body language during this sequence thus far. If nothing else, Krokorok and Gligar’s transition from “pissed off” mode to something calmer feels like something that might merit explicitly describing a bit more.

At the sight of the poster, Caitríona's eyes widened. Two Pokémon stood illustrated in it, and the image was a depiction of a Riolu and a Treecko. Below the artist's impression of them lay a lone word scrawled in big letters.

WANTED

Surprised that there’s no mention of a payout bounty or what Elvira and Arian are wanted for, since you’d think that it’d raise fewer eyebrows in town to come up with the legalese version of “they hurt Mik’s fee-fees”.

… Though then again, the TRs are basically a mafia, so maybe they just don’t bother with that whole “outward legitimacy” spiel.

Krokorok: “Well, have ya seen ‘em?”

"I…" Caitríona faltered, unsure of how to respond.

"A Riolu and a Treecko?" Conall observed, looking at the poster.

"Yeah...Some of our lot've been sayin' the two of ya was talkin' to 'em yesterday," the Krokorok continued. "Ain't nothin', is it? Ya wanna tell us what that's all about?"

Krokorok: “And don’t go tryin’ to pretend ya didn’t, either. We could see how ya reacted there.”
:absus~1:


"You know that you can drop the act, Ishmael," the Lycanroc said, with a light chuckle. "You know us. And there's no one else around to spot you."

I… did not see that coming. Though if Ishmael’s a mole in the TRs, that makes me wonder if Elvira and Arian will ever get their bribe money back from him.

"Dunno what yer talkin' about," growled the Krokorok. "Now tell us! Didja see these two or not?!"

"Come on. You don't need to be so aggressive." Conall flashed a teasing grin. "Remember the old days, when you were just a little Sandile, sitting on my lap and calling me Unky Boo-Boo? Oh, those were the days…"

:hoodLUL:


- Gligar side-eye moment -

Gligar: “... ‘Unky Boo-Boo’?”
:eltywtf:

Krokorok Ishmael: “N-None of that ever happened! Th-They’re stalling!” >///<

"Oi, shaddap!" The Krokorok's face was turning red. "Didja or didn'tcha see 'em, ya ol' berk?!"

"Well now. Did you see them?" the Lycanroc wondered. "That's the bigger question here."

"We did," the Gligar answered. "They came in and out of the north end of town. On the way back, they had a little Flabébé with them."

Conall: “(Psst! Ríona! We didn’t give them a mission involving a Flabébé, did we?)”
Caitríona: “(No, this is new to me, too.)”

[ ]

"...Hm. Dunno what that's about. But you wanna know why they went out the north end of town?"

"Why?"

"To get this." Conall held up the Sandy Torc, which made both Thorned Roses' eyes widen in recognition. "We asked them to."

[ ]


"Lill was looking for that!" the Gligar said.

IMO, this section probably would benefit from some moments to stop and describe the different characters’ reactions a bit more. Since it feels like there’s a bit of an abrupt jump in mood around these bits marked off with the [ ]s that presently is not fully transitioned into.

"That ol' trinket? Yeah, 'swot she's missin'." The Krokorok looked closer at it. "Yup, sure was."

"Give it to her next time you see her," Caitríona requested, as Conall handed the torc to him. "That's an old clan treasure, that. I wouldn't want this crowd getting their grubby hands on it."

"Gotcha. We'll do it." The crocodile took the item.

… Now I’m unsure if they’re moles or if they’re just straight-up TRs that happen to have friendships with these two. Guess we’ll find out.

"And while you're at it, I've a little favour to ask either you or Lillian to do tomorrow," Conall requested. "It's to do with those two, actually."

"What is it?" Axel wondered.

I’m assuming that ‘Axel’ is the Gligar, though you actually never introduced his name prior to this at all in either narration or dialogue, so you might want to patch that in since this feels fairly abrupt.

"Well…" The Lycanroc beckoned them closer, and in hushed tones, told them.

"...'S a good idea," the Krokorok agreed. "But we gotta tell Lill first. And the Chief, too."

[ ]


"Chief…" Conall chuckled lightly at that name. "I still think it's strange you all refer to him as Chief. Sometimes it takes me a minute to realise you mean…'you-know-who'."

"'E's a Chief. 'S the way I see it. Ain't a Chief in our sense, but least 'e's a damn sight better than that plonker we got." An angry edge came into Ishmael's tone.

Another section that feels like it’d benefit with some interleaving description. Though I’m getting the feeling that this ‘Chief’ isn’t Hinnerk there.

"You got that right, Ish." The Gligar seemed just as cross.

"Let's not think about that, Ishmael. Axel," Caitríona advised. "Just tell Lillian and him about this. And go quickly. It's getting close to curfew."

"Gotcha, Auntie Ríona," Ishmael acknowledged. "I'll be off."

Now I’m curious as to who this ‘Chief’ is. Though given that these two have gotten explicit namedrops, I have a feeling that it won’t be the last time we’ve seen them in this story.

"Good luck, you two," Conall wished. "Know that you have us if you need help. Or if you need a shoulder to cry on."

"Don't think I'll be needin' ya for that, Uncle." With that, Ishmael was off, Axel trailing him.

Whelp, guess that confirms that ‘Unky Boo-Boo’ really did happen back in the day.
:LULgia:


"Hey, Ish," the latter queried. "You think they're worth it?"

"Maybe. But ya know the Chief; 'e'll be stoked at any newbies comin' in," commented the Krokorok. He looked down at the wanted poster again, gazing at the two in the illustration.

Yeah, this lot might be worth pickin' up. Just wot've they got?

Okay, yeah. These two are moles for the local resistance or whatever that Conall and Ríona are involved in. Since I can see that bit about ‘newbies comin’ in’ there.

Alright, it took a while longer than originally planned to get through this chapter, though as you’ve already gathered, I had quite a bit to say about the chapter @Arukona . There’s some rough edges around this chapter, but there will be plenty of time to get to that later, so let’s focus on what was done well a bit first.

In my opinion, the main strength of this chapter was the characters that it introduced and what it showed off of their perspectives. Hinnerk in particular is a good "love to hate" character and has some promising teases for a deeper backstory that intersects with Team Marshwood’s, as well as some sinister antics that will inevitably collide with the protagonists. I honestly wasn’t expecting Ishmael and Axel to actually become important plot-wise from what we saw of them in their initial appearances, though they definitely made a fun first impression, and I’ll be keeping an eye out for their return in the story.

As for the cons… the full blow-by-blow is in the line-by-line commentary above, but there were three primary flaws that stood out to me as recurring issues with the chapter. The first is that some of the scenes had narration perspectives that were a bit inconsistent in format, which was particularly noticeable in the scene that introduced Hinnerk onscreen for the first time. I also thought that in general, there were a number of places that were a bit light on description, which made it a bit hard to visualize some moments in the chapter, while in the case of dialogue exchanges, made some sequences read a bit too rapid-fire thanks to there not being “pauses” between lines. It also dovetailed a bit with some issues with “tell and not show” in parts, e.x. in the sequence where Elvira swims in front of Arian for the first time.

Though even if I had some bones to pick with the delivery, I think that the core of the story is still quite solid. You’ve clearly put a lot of thought and love into this setting and the cast is a (mostly) charming bunch, which is what’s kept me coming back to it. I don’t know whether or not you’ll opt to smooth out these earlier chapters, but even if you don’t, best of luck writing. I’ll be looking forward to seeing where this story goes and how you evolve as a writer.
 
Chapter 28 - The Prince

Arukona

A Scribe Penning His Brainworms
Location
Ardalion
Pronouns
He/him
Partners
  1. aggron
  2. sceptile
  3. lucario
Chapter 28
The Prince

The so-called Master Dubhrua turned to face them, and the Selenians now had a good view of him. He was a little taller than Yuliya, and a fair bit taller than either of Team Elpis. His metallic features, specifically his bladed hands and axe-like helm, glinted in the candlelight. The rest of his body primarily featured red-and-black colouration.

The Bisharp fixed them all with a steely glare. No words came from his mouth, setting in unease all the greater for the Selenians.

Yuliya could barely hold it together. She tried her hardest to hold back a sob as she spoke to a face she hadn't seen in five long years.


"Y-Your Highness…It's really you, isn't it?"

Leonid%20by%20Wayfarer.png

(Art by maskedwayfarer on Discord.)

The Bisharp's glare softened slightly, but it still retained its hardened edge. Arian could feel the bitterness radiating from Dubhrua, in all of its oppressive nature. He grimaced uncomfortably, feeling almost weighed down by its sheer force. Looking over, Elvira seemed to feel that way too.

"...Yuliya." The Bisharp spoke for the first time. "It has been some time." His voice sounded rich, his silver spoon accent prevalent. This was a noblemon, undoubtedly. But the dignity of his voice was overwritten by a heaviness that suggested he had been through his fair share of tribulations.

"Y-Your Highness!" A few teardrops fell from Yuliya's eyes. "You're alive! Oh, thank the Creator, you're alive! I truly thought you had perished five years ago!"

"That really is Prince Leonid, huh…" Arian murmured. So he actually stayed in town, even after the way he was treated?

"I did not die on that day. The castle guards saw to that," Leonid replied. "They got me out of Iria while that monster took the lives of my parents. From there, Lada's knights transported me to the Dresilian border. I am indebted to them for allowing me to live."

"They were brave soldiers," Yuliya sniffed. "If I can find them, I wouldn't be able to thank them enough."

"If you still can. Mitrofan would do away with them if he knew." A snarl crossed the prince's face. "How did he do it? How in blazes did that turncoat turn my entire country against me? My father spent years cultivating the trust of his people and nobles, and earned their respect through his virtuous deeds. How is it that in the span of a year, that spiteful Aggron was able to turn my own people against me?"

"Not everyone. Mitrofan rules through fear and oppression," Yuliya corrected. "His Majesty ruled through grace and care for his people. I'm sure that once you return, Your Highness, they will side with you and help you to overthrow Mitrofan!"

"...Tch." However, Leonid didn't sound convinced. "It won't be as simple as that. Any attempt to overthrow him won't be accomplished without proper planning and organisation. I will not hear pipe dreams of revolution and glory days unless I see evidence of such a thing."

"But we have just that, Your Highness!" Yuliya told him. "Back in Selenia, Branislav has organised hidden forces to come forth when the time comes. And more recently, we have allied with remnant forces of the Irian Guild, and it was thanks to them that we were able to find your whereabouts! Two of their members travelled with me to Alba." She gestured to her mercenary companions. "I would be none the wiser had we not met."

"You…enlisted the Irian Guild for help?" The Bisharp blinked, unsure if he'd heard correctly.

"I did indeed. They're against Mitrofan as well, and have similar goals to ours," the Furret explained. "They're being led by Mud Bomber Melchior, and have their own group of determined fighters. They have additional ties as well, which is how they were able to locate you. Our alliance hasn't been for long, but already it has borne fruit."

"...So you believe." No joy sparked in Leonid's eyes, however. Instead…suspicion glinted in them. "Alas, that fruit will rot before you know it."

"Oh dear…" Elvira murmured, as if she knew where this was going.

"The Irian Guild are a treacherous breed, Yuliya. Have you forgotten the patronage my dynasty showered upon the Guild over the years, protecting them from constant censure, only to be stabbed in the back when that vile Guildmaster descended upon Iria Castle, killed my father and took his crown? Do you forget your enemies, Yuliya?!"

"I do not, Your Highness!" The Furret was taken aback by her liege's sudden rage. "They are not our enemies! Not everyone in the Irian Guild supported Mitrofan's takeover! Quite the opposite - many turned against him! Team Marshwood, his most devoted team, turned against him! Mud Bomber Melchior leads the Guild now, and Fernblade Kallias's daughter is among their ranks! That's her right there!" She gestured to Elvira.

"Bah! I have no time for such overtures!" scoffed Leonid. "Guild scum were always looking to undercut us from the very start! Do you not see, Yuliya? This is a Mythymnan Rapidash that only opens the door to treachery! Just like that filth Mitrofan did to my father and my nation!"

"You know we can hear you, right?" Arian interjected.

"I know full well you can hear me, Riolu," Leonid snapped. "Your intent is fully clear to me, and I will not fall for your tricks!"

"It's not like that at all," Elvira said. She breathed in, trying to keep her cool. "We want to help you, Your Highness. We want to liberate Selenia from Mitrofan's clutches just as much as you do. Selenia's been left in a deplorable state because of him. My town, Ozerograd, was taken over by a bandit gang who terrorised the townsfolk day in, day out for five years. I've seen it with my own eyes. I've experienced what it's like to live under him."

"...You are the daughter of Fernblade Kallias, Yuliya said?" Leonid murmured. "Keep talking, Treecko. What else did that monster do?"

"He hired House Kumiega's heir to become one of his marshals," Elvira began.

"What?" The Bisharp suddenly became alert.

"He trespassed upon the Irian Catacombs as well," Arian said.

"I beg your pardon?"

"He burned down the Irian Guild and made everyone who didn't join with him an outlaw," Elvira went on. "Our very existence is reason enough for him to chase us down, and-"

"I'm not interested," Leonid suddenly cut off.

"Wh-What?"

"There you go rambling about yourselves once again! You had me fooled for a moment! You had me believing you genuinely cared about the welfare of my nation." Selenia's tsesarevich glared at them.

"But when pressured, all you care for is your own back. Not your clients, not your people, and most certainly not the house that ensured your existence!"

"Without us, we wouldn't even be meeting right now!" Arian countered. "Do you even hear yourself right now?"

"Arian!" Elvira whispered urgently.

"You dare speak to me that way, Riolu? Do you knowto whom you are speaking?" Leonid pointed a blade at Arian.

"I'm not stupid. I know who you are, Prince Leonid," Arian said.

"That's no attitude of a saviour. That's closer to someone who would stab me in the back the first chance they got!"

"For the love of God, we are not going to betray you! We-"

"Dyna ddigon!"

The commanding bellow of C pierced through the air, halting Arian and Leonid in their tracks. The Falink marched up to them, the rest of his legion behind him.

"This constant arguing will get us nowhere!" the lead Falink said. "Arian, if you want to bring Master Dubhrua home to Selenia, then treat him with adequate respect! You're burning bridges with that attitude!"

"...Fine." Arian would've retorted, but saw C's point.

"Thank you for that," Leonid said.

"You are not without fault either, Master Dubhrua!" C's outburst caught the Bisharp off guard. "Part of a leader's integrity is trust! By cutting off these mercenaries, you are no closer to reclaiming your homeland! You want to dethrone that Mitrofan and become tsar of Selenia, don't you?"

"Of course I do, Carwyn. What is a prince if not devoted to his realm?"

"If you are devoted to your realm, then take this risk!" C urged. "And should they step out of line…we will act on it. That's right, isn't it, soldiers!?"

"Sir, yes, sir!" five voices yelled in unison.

Leonid scowled in annoyance. The look on his face spelled angry reluctance at having to possibly partner with those he'd expressed disdain for not even a minute ago. But…even the prideful prince had to admit his subordinate had a point.

"...Tch," he spat. "Fine. Yuliya is here - I can trust her at least." He gave a knowing nod to his sister-in-law. "But let me make one thing quite plain to you mercenaries." His attention turned to Team Elpis. "One step out of line and you can kiss any semblance of an alliance goodbye."

Arian was about to retort, but Elvira cut him off.

"We accept your decision, Your Highness," she said.

"Hmph. Now, then onto the next matter," Leonid said. "We need aid, and that is something all three countries have denied me."

"All three?" Yuliya frowned.

"Indeed. Be they Alba, Dresilia or Miletos, when Selenia's hour of need is nigh, they all look the other way. That is the reality before us," Leonid spat.

"Is there no other way, Your Highness? It has been a few years. Attitudes may have changed."

"One thing is more certain. I will not return to the East," the Bisharp prince declared. "I sensed connivance in the negotiations, and there were signs that they would help me, but only for their own benefit. Fellow Selenian nobles warned me of a deal that would come with strings attached, so to speak. I will not have that." He shook his head. "Selenia's shackles would remain - the only change would be their owner."

"But that's surely the mark of compromise, isn't it? We must make sacrifices for our nation, and if that means-"

"No, Yuliya," Leonid cut her off. "Under no circumstances am I allying with the East. Especially not with Dresilia."

"Hm? Why them?" Arian asked.

"Quiet. We are not touching on this matter right now," the prince shut down. "With them cast aside, that leaves Alba as our only remaining option. Alas, Rí Trahaern burned that bridge by cutting ties with me some time ago."

"But that was a few years ago, by the sound of it," Yuliya pointed out.

"A year and a half ago."

"Attitudes can change," the Furret went on. "Could he not give you a second chance?"

"Rí Trahaern is not known for second chances."

"It's worth a try, isn't it? This is for our country, Your Highness!" A tear dripped from the knight's eye. "We cannot simply shut off every possible opening. If we do that, Selenia will never know freedom!"

"I agree," C said. "And so would my men. I understand your feud with Rí Trahaern more than anyone. But it's a gulf that must be bridged! If you can do that, then you'll have quite the backing, as well as a possible future ally against the East!"

"That…" Leonid was about to protest, but saw the Falink's point.

"Please, Your Highness," Yuliya begged. "For our country, please reconcile with Rí Trahaern. Selenia's fate depends on it."

The Bisharp considered the words of his allies, and the pleading looks of each of them. Even Team Elpis silently implored it, though they said nothing in the wake of Leonid's harsh words to them.

"...Alright," he said, with a hint of reluctance. "I will try."

"Great!" Yuliya cheered. "I'll head back to the Guild ahead of you and try to arrange a meeting with Rí Trahaern, Your Highness. He is aware of us, and knows that we want aid to overthrow Mitrofan. Having you by our side would greatly strengthen our cause."

"Very well. Go, Yuliya."

"Thank you, Your Highness." And with that, Yuliya left the room. The creak of the front door could be heard, followed by a slam.

"Right." Leonid turned his attention to Team Elpis. "Let me make one thing plain right now. I may have agreed to this alliance, but that does not mean you have earned my trust. You will need to do much to regain it, after the Guild's betrayal."

"We have every intention of proving we mean our loyalty, Your Highness," Elvira pledged. "You will see that the Irian Guild stands with you and will help you reclaim Selenia back from Mitrofan's grasp."

"Hmph." The prince remained unconvinced. "Stick to your vow, Carwyn. It never hurts to be safe."

"Yes, Master Dubhrua!" Carwyn collectively obliged.

"...Master Dubhrua, huh?" Arian noted. "What's up with that name? Why do you call Prince Leonid that?"

"It's a name adopted as a suck-up to Albans," Leonid said. "They can't stand titles like 'Prince', and many don't appear to like Selenians either. The name change is an attempt to blend in. …Not that it works," he murmured. "But I can't call myself Prince Leonid. Not in public, anyway. In public, I am Dubhrua, and I demand you refer me as such."

"Alright then, Dubhrua-"

"Master Dubhrua. I have integrity, you know." Affront laced Leonid's voice. "Show some respect!"

"...Very well then, Master Dubhrua." Arian cringed after saying that. I'm no servant of his.

"Now come." Leonid flicked his tattered cape. "Let us away. Rí Trahaern will not come to us." He strolled towards the door, Carwyn following after him in a chorus of footfall.

"Let's go, Arian," Elvira said, and started after them.

"Right…" The Riolu followed her, with a hint of begrudging. The exchange that unfolded stirred discontent in him, as he headed to the front door.

I'm not going to enjoy working with him, am I?





The evening sun shone brightly upon St Táiltiú's Square, as Leonid, Carwyn and Team Elpis went outside. The Falinks formed a ring around Leonid as they stepped out into the open.

"Before we begin," the Bisharp said. "Pay no mind to passersby."

"What does that mean?" Arian asked.

"Do not ask silly little questions," Leonid scorned. "When I order you to do something, you do it without question. Is that understood?"

"...Yes," Arian muttered. "Master Dubhrua."

"As it should be." He turned, and began to march. Team Elpis followed him.

There weren't too many people around the square - evening was setting in, and most families were inside having their evening meals. The scents of home cooking wafted through the air, and Arian's tummy growled as he breathed in the air.

Hopefully the Guild has food for us. I'm starving after all that looking around today.

It wasn't long before the group arrived at more crowded streets. At first, neither member of Team Elpis noticed anything off. But then…

"Wait a minute. Isn't that…?"

"That's Himself, alright."

"That cábóg'sstill around?"

"I thought he'd gone back to that green hell of his."

Arian's sharp ears picked out whispers from passersby, and his senses picked up on a multitude of emotions. But none of them were positive.

Suspicion. Scorn. Disdain. Feelings of this nature prevailed amongst those on the street. Team Elpis tried to make themselves as unnoticeable as possible, but this wasn't fully successful. Their trailing after Leonid drew the ire of more Albans.

"What's with them? Why are they following him?"

"D'ya see those bairns, Fionnuala?"

"Aye, I do. The hell are they doin' with aul' Dubhrua?"

"That's Dubhrua? Ah, stop! Ya mean, yer one who…?"

Arian didn't hear the rest of the remark from the passing Greavard, as they drifted out of earshot. It was a pity; he would've wanted to hear more. Then again, he recalled Rí Trahaern's words.

Challenged one of their strongest generals to a duel and lost…Is that why these people don't like him? The Riolu looked around him, at the faces of contempt. But why? Why did he do that? Did he really think he would win?

"Keep marching, Riolu!" Leonid's call drew him back to attention.

"Oh, sorry!" he apologised. "Master Dubhrua!" he then added before the Bisharp could chastise him. He cringed at his words, but swallowed them as he caught up with the prince.

They walked on, weathering the looks and remarks they got from passing Pokémon, until they arrived at the bridge to the Rí's Guild. The evening sunlight glinted off the waters of the Istwyth, in quite a sight to behold. Team Elpis would've stopped and taken in the view, as some on the bridge were doing, but they had a more pressing prince-related matter on their plate.

The group arrived at the Guild entrance, the same place where Arian and Salann had their altercation the day before. The latter remained at his post, along with Alasdair. However, both immediately moved in front of them to block their path.

"Oi! No access to the likes of you!" Salann shouted, pointing at Leonid.

"I need to see Rí Trahaern," Leonid demanded. "Let me through!"

"Not a chance in hell!" Alasdair growled indignantly. "Not after the way you acted, you gàrr-laoch!"

"Hold on a minute! What's all this?" Elvira asked. "Why are you acting like this to Master Dubhrua?"

"Is this to do with when he came here first?" Arian wondered.

"Of course it fucking is," Salann hissed. "You really thought you could take on Fachtna, of all people? Ruthless Wrecker Fachtna?"

"Of all the people to challenge to a duel…I'm amazed you even have the gumption to show your face back here," Alasdair scoffed. "The hell you think the answer's gonna be? Absolutely not!"

"Absolutely yes!" another voice cut in. A familiar, chipper tone.

Just like the day before, Scáthach fluttered down from the portcullis roof and landed in between the quarrelling parties.

"T-Tánaiste?!" Salann was taken aback by the Archeops' sudden appearance.

"Let him in," she ordered.

"B-But Tánaiste!" This time, Alasdair joined in the protest. "Do you realise who's standing behind you?"

"I know Dubhrua's behind me, Alasdair." Scáthach looked over her shoulder. "Long time no see, huh?" Oddly, the chipperness that normally accompanied Alba's tánaiste seemed to diminish once she and Leonid caught eyes.

"Tánaiste Scáthach," Leonid acknowledged. "We meet again."

"Yes, we do, Dubhrua," Scáthach replied. "And I'm gonna let you in. But only because Trahy said so. If he didn't, I would've left you out in the cold." She turned to the two guards. "Let them through, or I'm telling Trahy."

The threat of the Copperajah's wrath was enough to make the duo part ways and open the path to him

"Come on. You don't wanna miss dinner, do you?" Scáthach said. "Trahy wants you there. Now brostaigí, or it's gonna go cold!" She then flew away into the Guild, leaving the four far behind.

"You heard her. Enter." Salann gestured coldly to the tánaiste. The four wordlessly obliged.

The walk through the Guild's courtyard was uncomfortable at best. The throng of fellow mercs was nowhere near as crowded as yesterday, but the few that were shot piercing glares towards Leonid. The Bisharp did his best to pay them no heed, but Arian sensed a hint of discomfort coming from him.

"That fucker's back…"

"What does the Chief want with him? That's what I'd like to know."

"He can't seriously see the potential in that Sel, can he?"

Remarks from passing Guild members accompanied Team Elpis, Carwyn and Leonid into the Guild itself. Arian admittedly felt slight pity for the prince, but kept his thoughts to himself.

Along the Guild's hallway, Yuliya awaited.

"Your Highness." She bowed to him. "I have managed to secure a meeting with Rí Trahaern."

"I heard there was to be a dinner over which we would speak again?" Leonid said. "Tánaiste Scáthach claimed as such."

"Yes. Preparations are being made as we speak."

"I see."

An awkward silence persisted amongst the group of five Pokémon, while they waited for the all clear. Eventually, that was given to them by a Claydol servant.

"The rí is waiting for you," they buzzed. "Follow me."

The group followed after him, entering the canteen. The smell of Cairbre and Tiarnán's delicious cooking drifted through the air, reminding Arian of when they arrived yesterday with Team Scalebreaker. The two dragons were nowhere to be seen, unfortunately. Must still be off on that mission, the Riolu presumed.

The Claydol headed for a door off to the side marked, and telekinetically opened it.

"Rí, Tánaiste." He bowed his head, as best a Claydol could. "Prince Leonid has arrived, along with Team Elpis."

"Get them in here." The gruff voice of Trahaern could be heard.

The Claydol stood aside as the group of five stepped into the room. There awaited Trahaern and Scáthach, both of whom fixed their eyes on Leonid.

"Take a seat." The Copperajah used his trunk to pull out a chair, looking less than pleased. "I never thought you'd come crawling back here."

"Persistence and desperation go hand in hand," Leonid said. "Something I imagine most Albans are familiar with. Is it not the way for the poor in this country to try and become strong, and in turn hoist themselves out of their plight?"

"That's…true," Scáthach admitted.

"Hmm." Trahaern looked down on Leonid. "Maybe you aren't completely tactless. We'll see once this dinner gets underway."

As if on cue, servants entered the room with covered plates, and placed each down on the tables. They then lifted the covers, revealing steaming hot stobhach laoich on each of them, though with more vegetables in this batch.

"Sit down and eat," Trahaern instructed. "Don't let Chef Cairbre's hard work go to waste."

"I had no intention of doing that." Leonid sat down at the seat that the rí had pulled out. Team Elpis and Yuliya took their own seats, while Carwyn stood by Leonid.

Arian and Elvira both looked at the stew in reluctance, remembering the kick the spice provided last time. They gingerly took a spoonful of stew each, and brought it to their mouths.

"Ack!" Arian uttered. How's it even spicier this time?! It was like a fireball was on his tongue! Not wanting to cause a fuss in front of three royals, he kept his mouth shut, which made tears leak from his eyes. Looking over, he saw his partner do much the same thing. Across from him, he sensed Yuliya had similar sentiments to them, but she was doing remarkably better at hiding her feelings, barely flinching as she daintily brought the food to her lips.

At the same time, Trahaern, Scáthach and Leonid had begun conversing. All three tore their attention from their food and listened in on the conversation.

"So where have you been all this time?" Trahaern spoke, after which he grabbed some stew with his trunk and brought it to his mouth.

"...Living in a house at St Táiltiú's Square," Leonid told him. "I've gotten by."

"I knew you were still around," Scáthach said. "Ca did invite you for a divination ritual some time back."

"They did indeed. But for what?" the Bisharp huffed in contempt. "All it amounted to was that clergymon telling me I would never become the Tsar of Selenia."

"Wait, what?" The Archeops was taken aback, and the Selenians, Yuliya in particular, grew rigid at Leonid's words.

"What did Their Grace say to you?" Trahaern asked.

"I do not care to repeat it," Leonid replied. "The way they lace their words with cryptic meanings and false allusions…I cannot stand when words are danced around in front of me! Do you truly rely on such balderdash, Trahaern?"

"Hey!" Scáthach cawed angrily. "Take that back! Don't say mean things about Ca!"

"Quite right, Scáthach." Trahaern kept his composure, but a note of scorn entered his gravelly tone. "The advice of Archdruid Cathbad has been invaluable whenever they have given it. They have saved me and others from various assassination attempts with their insight, and have been a guide in times of decision. Their view of Fate, while mysterious, is not misguided, and they hold the beacon that guides us to the truth."

"Tch. And yet they dabble in such cryptic language. How do you know they're not misleading you?"

"Many times has Their Grace lent their aid, and not once has it turned out to be folly," the rí countered. "I trust them, and I will not do to our Archdruid what Pyrrhus did to the Pythia."

"It is the matter of relying on it," Leonid said. "Considering what I have been through, I have learned that those who I can trust are few and far between."

"An aspiring leader placing doubt in trusting others? Well now." Trahaern's eyes flashed with disappointment. "That's not a good sign at all."

"I beg your pardon? Explain yourself, Trahaern." Leonid shot an accusatory look at the Copperajah.

"Placing trust in others is a basic function of a leader," Trahaern explained. "Your people pay you taxes and swear allegiance to you, and in return, you offer them shelter and protection in your realm. It's not a fair exchange if you don't trust them even after they serve you. In many instances like that, tyranny follows, and where tyranny reigns, suffering is inevitable."

"Excuse me? Are you calling me a tyrant?" Leonid said, aghast. "A tyrant is the very reason my people are suffering! Are you deaf to the cries for help of innocent people to the south?!"

"I am aware." Trahaern was unfazed. "And?"

"And?! You know of their woes. You hear the voices of my people as Selenia withers under that monster. But you sit about in Breifne and do nothing about it!" Leonid slammed the table in outrage, knocking over a wine chalice. Luckily it was empty, and a nearby servant righted it again.

"There is one simple reason why I have not acted," Trahaern said, intent on keeping calm. "The Selenian people are indeed in dire straits. Many of them have hope that their tsesarevich, as you call your heir, will return to them one day. Three of them have even come directly into Alba to find you." He gestured to Yuliya, Elvira and Arian with his trunk. "But the problem lies in who they seek. That problem-" He paused, before directing his gaze back at the Bisharp. "-Is you, Leonid."

"You claim I am the problem?" Leonid gritted his teeth. "Do not insult me in this manner, Trahaern!"

"Indeed I do," the Copperajah said. "History is rife with examples of aspiring leaders overthrowing tyrants and pledging freedom, only for them to become tyrants themselves. Even if you do succeed in kicking Mitrofan off your throne, what then? Who's to say you won't fall into that same trap?"

"I most certainly will not!" thundered Leonid.

"Hmph. Your actions belie you." Trahaern remained unimpressed. "You could not complete Fachtna's training. You could not rise to the occasion, even when reminded that passing the training meant we would give you aid. You brazenly gave a challenge to Chief Fachtna you could never win. A year and a half later, and you don't appear to have changed at all."

"I could say the same about you!" Leonid yelled back. "You are as apathetic now as you were then. Is it any wonder that in an era of extreme drought, you have not answered your people's pleas? If you are a ruler who understands it all, then explain the feuding chieftains of Dálriada and Annwyn!"

"Hmm? What's this?" Yuliya murmured. She and the other Selenians noticed that both Trahaern and Scáthach suddenly looked more serious.

"That area has been a breeding ground for rebellious behaviour. Any day now, it could turn into something more substantial." Leonid suddenly had a second wind, and seized on the opportunity it presented. "You should have dealt with this problem at the core, but you have allowed it to fester and now feuding has spread to neighbouring tíortha. At what point will Breifne descend into riots and looting? At this rate, it's going to happen!"

"You cannot talk! You, whose nation rose up against you!" Suddenly Trahaern's composition fell away. "Cónaíonn tú i dteach gloine! Do not speak to me of rebellion when you were brought down by that very thing!"

"That does not change your own standing! You call me a tyrant, yet you exhibit those signs yourself!"

"How dare you, you vile little-"

"Alright, enough!"

The outburst came from Scáthach. Trahaern and Leonid halted their bickering, both of their gazes turning to Alba's tánaiste.

"Please don't argue," she said. "It's not fun to listen to."

"Hmph. Tell that to this upstart." Trahaern pointed his trunk Leonid's way. "Daring to insult the Archdruid and our chieftains, right in front of us!"

"You're right," Scáthach acknowledged. "That was kinda rude of you, Leonid. You really shouldn't say stuff like that, especially when Ca has a way of knowing these things. It could come back to bite you, like it did for others who made an enemy of them."

"Tch…" Leonid would've retorted, but he gave an annoyed huff instead.

"But Trahy…he has a point." The Archeops turned her attention to the rí. "Alba really isn't in the best of shape right now. With this drought, we really have had problems securing food and water. It's made things all the worse when it comes to Dálriada and Annwyn. They've always been at each other's throats, but the drought's made it worse than ever, and their raids are nearly constant. If we ignore them, then problems are gonna spread, and we'll lose the goodwill of other chiefs."

"Don't be paranoid about them, Scáthach," Trahaern criticised. "All the other chiefs' backing is very much assured."

"I don't know about that. Ca's had some unnerving feelings as of late," Scáthach said. "We need to stop those two chiefs before things get any worse. We have enough on our plate as is; we don't need rebellion on top of it."

"Hmm…" The mention of the Archdruid gave Trahaern some pause. He seemed to consider the words of his tánaiste, before he gave a decision.

"Very well. You've made a good point, Scáthach. We must deal with this scourge directly, and I know of a way to put them in their place." He paused for emphasis, before continuing.

"Prince Leonid - you will be the one to quell this matter. You and your Selenian companions."

"...How did I know you would say that?" Leonid grumbled.

"So you have perception after all," Trahaern muttered. "You will head out tomorrow morning. All the instructions will be given then."

"Hold a minute. Have I not a say in this?" Leonid objected.

"No, you do not," the Copperajah shut down. "If you want Selenia's rot to continue, then by all means deny me and keep aid beyond your reach."

"Hmph," Leonid uttered, but he said no more than that.

"You should be grateful, Prince Leonid, for I do not give second chances often. Hear this seanfhocal from Laighean - 'Tugann taoisigh cneasta dhá sheans, ach ní thugann ach amadáin trí cuid.' In your tongue, this would translate to, 'Honest chiefs give two chances, but only fools give three.' You would do well to keep this in mind.

"If you succeed, we shall talk more on the matter of aid," the rí continued. "But you must succeed in quelling this threat to peace, and if you fail, the outcome will be the same as your continued insults to my name."

"...I understand." Suddenly, Leonid became more serious. Reluctance remained, but he understood Trahaern's warnings.

"That is all there is to discuss for now. Finish your meal."

Trahaern's words were final. No conversation took place for the rest of the meal, the clinking of cutlery filling the air instead. The task ahead of them weighed on the Selenians' minds as they finished off their food.

Before long, all the plates were clean, and Trahaern stood up.

"You are all dismissed. We shall speak more on your mission in the morning. Scáthach and I will see to the necessary preparations." The Selenians took his order as a missive to leave, and they obeyed.

Once they were all out of earshot of the Copperajah, Arian was the first to speak.

"We gotta quell a revolt?" he said. "How? We're only ten people!"

"Quit your complaining. We have no choice in the matter," Leonid replied. "If we want Alban aid, we must help them before they help us. A basic gift of reciprocity - one you should be quite familiar with as mercenaries!"

"Hey! That's not how it is at-"

"Arian," Elvira interrupted. "I get your complaints but we can't really argue our way out of this. We just have to buckle down and hope we have what it takes to do this."

"Do you think we can?" Arian looked worriedly among his companions.

"I've quelled small-scale revolts before," Yuliya said. "But that was with Trokhym's help. I must admit my unease in this too. But…if it's for my tsesarevich and country, I'll see it through." She put a paw to her chest.

"Thank you, Yuliya." Leonid turned back to Team Elpis. "Get some rest. You need to be at your peak tomorrow. I will not tolerate failure, and nor will Trahaern."

"Gotcha," murmured Arian halfheatedly. "Come on, Elvira. Let's go." With that, the duo left to return to their guest room.





With Team Elpis gone, that left Leonid, Carwyn and Yuliya on their lonesome.

"Come with me, Yuliya," Leonid suddenly said. "We need to talk."

"Oh? Of course, Your Highness. What do you wish to talk about?"

"Follow me." The Bisharp began walking, followed by the six Falinks. Yuliya followed after them, through the hallways of the Rí's Guild.

Eventually, they found their way to a balcony. Thankfully, it was empty, giving Leonid peace of mind to discuss a pressing matter with Yuliya.

"It is good to see you again, Yuliya," the prince began.

"Likewise, Your Highness," the Furret returned. "You said there was something you needed to speak to me about?"

"Yes. A pressing matter." Leonid looked at her right in the eyes. "You might have noticed there is…someone missing."

"Svetlana." Yuliya suddenly realised. "Your Highness? Where is she?" A note of panic entered her voice, fearing she knew the answer. "Why is my sister not by your side?"

Leonid didn't answer immediately, pausing as he took in a long breath and gave a sigh.

"Gone."

"Gone?" That one word struck Yuliya's heart like a knife.

"Svetlana disappeared whilst we were in Mirionydd, in Ceredigonia. It was the middle of the night when I woke and noticed she was not in her bed." The regret exuded from the Bisharp as he told the tale. "Around that moment, I saw a shadow on the windowsill. I feared it to be an assassin, but then they jumped out the window. I gave chase across rooftops, but I did not get far. My puny Pawniard body could not keep up."

"Did they kidnap Svetlana?!" All composure had evaporated from Yuliya.

"I do not know. But in my haste, I had forgotten the fractured state of Mirionydd. Before I realised it, I was swarmed by a gang of bandits. I had trespassed on their territory, and they paid me back by beating me within an inch of my life."

He winced at the memory. "I truly thought I was going to die. If not for Carwyn, who nursed me back to health, I would not be standing before you today."

"Heavens above…" The Furret turned to Carwyn. "Thank you for saving His Highness."

"Much obliged, ma'am," C acknowledged.

"In that moment, Svetlana was lost to me. I was forced to go on to Alba without her, for staying in Mirionydd became all the more risky when more fighting broke out the next day by one of their revolutionary gangs. I left the city in the turmoil, and travelled to Breifne with a group of refugees. They were taken in by the Alban Church, while I went directly to Rí Trahaern."

"So that's who those people were," Yuliya said. "They were Ceredigonian refugees…"

"Innocent people who wanted to escape the subjugation of Cunobelinus, their praetor. I do not blame them one iota," Leonid said.

"But Svetlana…" A tear dripped down Yuliya's cheek, and she began to sniffle. "My sister!"

"Let your tears out, Yuliya." Leonid looked down, his fists clenched. "The fault is mine. I should not have been so careless."

The Furret was too emotionally overwhelmed to take in those last words, and fell to the ground as the trickle of her tears became a torrent. Sobs erupted from her, as she cried for her missing sister. Leonid stood by her, making sure that she had an outlet for her anguish. The loss of Svetlana weighed on his conscience, and he felt a crushing sense of failure from it.

This is the least I can do for her. I could not keep Svetlana safe, but Yuliya is still alive. The closest person to family I have left…I have to keep her safe. I must.





The Empyrean Mountains reached their lowest peaks at Ardalion's north. The land here was arid and dry, and the difficult terrain made it hard to carve paths through the mountains. The thin soil cover made it difficult for crops to grow, though some berries thrived as they did in just about any ground.

In some parts of Dresilia, they called this region 'the final reach of civilisation'. Alba called the region 'ár dtír caillte'. It was a haven of lawlessness, often met by harsh law and order from the region's ruling authority.

This was Ceredigonia. It was either a province of Dresilia, or a tír of Alba, depending on who one asked. The right of who owned the land was hotly contested, and many wars had been fought on its soil.

Both nations wanted that land so they had a buffer against which to guard against the other nation. It had changed hands a number of times over the years, but Dresilia had held it for most of its history, and continued to do so to this day.

However, while this border was the most fortified in Ardalion, with well-guarded forts lining just about every mountain pass and road that led westwards, there was rarely a moment of security. Alba had long since winded down full-on invasions, but small guerrilla armies sometimes slipped through the cracks and attacked the Ceredigonian authorities that way. And beyond that, there existed those of Alban blood within Ceredigonia's borders, who assisted and launched their own attacks in the region.

Safe to say, it was quite a headache for the Druddigon praetor that led this region of conflict.

Cunobelinus sighed in annoyance as he read a report he had been given. Another attack in Merionethensis, the biggest town in the province of Ceredigonia. This time, it was on a visiting official, and yet again it was the actions of Ruthless Wrecker Fachtna's mindless followers who were responsible. Those same agitators who vandalised the 'Merionethensis' signs and painted 'Mirionydd' over them, the same who claimed Ceredigonia belonged to Alba. Ever since he'd taken over the praetorship of this troublesome province, they'd been nothing but a thorn in his side. By the sounds of it, it had been the same story for his predecessors.

"Alban-blooded scum," he growled. The news did get better near the end; thankfully; the attackers had been apprehended, and were currently being interrogated. Then they'd be taken to court, be declared guilty and imprisoned for life. As was customary for lowlifes of their sort.

I'll let the magistrates deal with that nonsense. Cunobelinus filed the report with the others that were on the right side of his desk. Now then. Onto other matters.

He took other sets of parchment that had been handed to him. These were a bit different - instead of reports, he was given a pair of posters instead, along with a letter.

The posters depicted a Riolu and a Treecko, with the word WANTED written on the top of both posters. He read the details, but nothing stuck out to him. They were Selenians, apparently, and enemies of the tyrant Mitrofan.

"Sels," he scoffed. Why should I care about the antics of those savages?

Then he peered at the letter that accompanied the posters. The writing was one quite familiar to him.

I saw these two in Breifne. Apparently, they're looking for their lost prince. They're definitely the same ones that Dommy's looking for.

The letter was signed with a heart, with a serpentine trail illustrated trailing off from the heart's bottom. Cunobelinus couldn't help but smile upon seeing it.

The sooner I can pull you out of there, the better. It pains me that you have to be surrounded by scum like them. But you're strong. You can do this, my girl.

He looked back at the posters, at the Riolu and Treecko pair.

Whatever did that shadow want with these two? he pondered, frowning in puzzlement. They don't look that strong. So how could they vex someone like Mitrofan? And why does Dominian want them, exactly?

"Not like it matters," he growled. "Anything to tempt Fachtna from whatever sandy hole he's hiding in. And perhaps…this may just be the bait to lure that sand-dweller in."





Notes

And now we see our fair prince at last.

The name 'Dubhrua' translates to the Irish names for 'black' (dubh) and 'red' (rua), the same colours as a Bisharp.

Leonid describing the situation as a 'Mythymnan Rapidash' is a in-universe equivalent of a 'Trojan horse' i.e. something presented seemingly out of goodwill only for the giftee to be betrayed in future.

Merionethensis is the Latin name for Merioneth, a Welsh county. Similarly, Mirionydd is the Welsh name for Merioneth.

Glossary

Dyna ddigon! - "That's enough!" in Welsh.

Cábóg - An Irish word for 'lout' or 'greenhorn'. Generally used in a negative context.

Gàrr-laoch - Scots Gaelic for 'villain'.

Brostaigí - "Hurry!" in Irish. The suffix 'aigí' is normally said as a command in the Irish language.

Cónaíonn tú i dteach gloine! - 'You live in a glass house!' in Irish.

Seanfhocal - 'Proverb' in Irish. Translates literally as 'old word.'

Ár dtír caillte - 'Our lost country' in Irish. Though it means 'tír' in the Alban context, meaning that it would be their equivalent of a province.
 

Adamhuarts

Mew specialist
Partners
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Just finished reading the first chapter and I figure I might as well talk about it. Since this is an old chapter I won't go into much critique here.

So the chapter itself is for the most part following the pmd story beginning formula, but it's not something that detracts from the story I'd say. There are some strengths to opening a story in this familiar way since it gives the reader an idea for what to expect.

I think the thing that stood out to me the most in the first chapter is the fact that this setting doesn't have rescue teams, explorers, etc and instead has mercenaries . It's too early here to tell how much they differ from the aforementioned groups, but the brief flashback of Elvira's dad seems to suggest the mercs will be a bit more grey than the typical rescue team and what have you.

Speaking of Elvira, I like her so far though I border on neutral. It makes sense that we don't see enough of her to form a complete picture in the first chapter, but we at least get briefed a bit on her backstory as well as her wants and desires.

Overall I think this was a pretty decent chapter to kick things off with in general.
 

Ambyssin

Gotta go back. Back to the past.
Location
Residency hell
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. silvally-dragon
  2. necrozma-ultra
  3. milotic
  4. zoroark-soda
  5. dreepy
  6. mewtwo-ambyssin
Hoo boy, yeah. Still in the fic tutorial, for better or for worse. I do think you do a very good job of moving the tour along. There aren't these pauses to the chapter for exposition like before, save for that bit in the beginning. That one gets a pass since it's kinda framed as being stated to Arian out loud. Having the guild being in a cave system of sorts with a well for its entrance is interesting. And I do feel like it's being set up for an attack at some point that could cause a cave in. :copyka: Curious, however, that the guildmaster himself isn't actually there. If he knew the teams were coming, wouldn't he want to be around? Could be harmless. Or could be suspicious.

All that said, it is throwing a lot of names at us in rapid fire succession. If the author's note is correct and the next chapter(s) will be spent delving into some of these folks more, I can't help but wonder why all the intros here? It just makes it more difficult for me as the reader to keep track of them all (I'm already struggling keeping on top of with Team Sandbreak's species). I'll admit, I did the intros/tour thing myself — and some can make the argument PoV introduces too many people too quickly in a different sort of way — and the reason was out of loyalty to the source material. But time has taught me are many things from the games that don't translate well to prose fic and this is probably one of them. XP

Stone. Stone. And more stone.
Given the setting this fic's painted, time to cue up the Soken.
But that doesn't mean he's a good leader
So this land went from someone with a 5% approval rating to a 0%? Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's politics!
"That's because we're underground, remember?"
"In more ways than one, nyek nyek nyek!"
Like common outlaws…It's almost like we've become the very thing we swore to destroy.
I mean, branding yourselves as mercenaries is not helping that.
Mitt's labellin' of us mercs as outlaws
He's technically not wrong, though. :V
From the looks of it, you wouldn't think this was part of a dictatorship
Mitrofan: I prefer the term authoritarian regime, thank you very much.
"...Well, go on.
So many wells I thought this was trying to become an Abbot & Costello sketch. :grohno:
Since when was I acrophobic?
Part of me wants to say this is Arian regaining vague memories. But another part of me wants to say this is being brought up because his fear of heights will be relevant™ later. Or perhaps both?
Couldn't resist a dig at Ax there
>Ground-type
>Dig
I see what you did there
"I was a bit worried when I heard the Guild had taken up residence in a cave
"We're totally not foreshadowing an attack with a cave-in."
No, she and Natalie went out for a mission
Ah, nepotism is alive and well in the mercenary business.
that the people there no longer have to be tormented by the likes of Hinnerk
Yeah he's totally busting out of jail.
If we want any wins, we gotta look to the future
Shulk would like to know your location
you would have to undergo a beginner's exam
Well, golly, that sure sounds familiar!
Hmmm…I'm not saying you're not lying, Arian. But…with respect, it doesn't sound like the most believable story
Oh, hey, someone with common sense :V
I don't want to make an unnecessary target of myself.
Not sure where Arian's getting this logic from. World hasn't shown itself openly hostile to humans and no one's implied as much, I believe.
I am Aldebrand, the main cook
Y'know a turtle 'mon as a chef just makes me recall the turtle soup minigame from Spyro 2: Ripto's Rage. I did not enjoy that part as a child.
If only they'd done their job properly, then Selenia wouldn't be in this mess.
What makes you think there wasn't someone on the inside? :copyka:
"…Hey, Sif!"
That's not a great gray wolflycanroc!
But the second you feel in any way off, come to me.
Nurse is too nice and encouraging of people to come see her. 0/10 no realism whatsoever.
"Says the shoddy croc," the Larvitar countered
Oh! Oh! Gremlins are fighting! Cue the gremlin music!
Damn Apollo's friend became a jackass when he got isekai'd, huh?
…They say great misfortune befalls anyone who dares to steal from a Kecleon Shop.
Of the ass-whooping variety.
"Sorry, dearie. Trade secret," Kassandra apologised.
"We don't talk about game logic. Like Fight Club."
 

Ambyssin

Gotta go back. Back to the past.
Location
Residency hell
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. silvally-dragon
  2. necrozma-ultra
  3. milotic
  4. zoroark-soda
  5. dreepy
  6. mewtwo-ambyssin
Blitzy New Year!
Disclaimer: My blitz reviews are stream of consciousness styled rambles. Let me know if you have any questions.

12
-Yeah, there's probably a more elegant way to introduce Team Anima rather than multiple paragraphs of exposition. Like describing their accents as the conversation proceeds and having one of Elvira or Arian postulate in their heads about their backgrounds. Or just, y'know, having them discuss that as part of the conversation. It feels like you're expositing to make it more concise, but I'm not sure the exposition would be more concise than things coming up in conversation.
-"We are only mortal, after all." Must be the continent's equivalent of "I'm Only Human After All." Wonder who sings it? :V
-Man, with how much of a nice, great guy Kallias is being built up as... this is either an Incineroar situation where the disappeared nice guy dad is dead all along, or he is, in fact, the dusknoir of this fic. I'm inclined to favor the former because I feel like Melchior's being set up as a dusknoir-esque twist character.
-SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Canyon. :screm:
-A grass type doesn't like the cold? What a shocker! XD
-Kinda weird Arian's bringing up fur being weird now when he's been a pupper for a couple of weeks, at least.
-This dungeon crawling feels, ah, very true to the games. Almost painfully so, I must admit. At least Arian's freak out over getting confused makes it read differently from a pure tutorial, but things like walking around picking stuff up off the ground... can't help but wonder if they're really needed.
-Not gonna lie, a riolu and a treecko rescuing a flygon for a gliscor is a hilarious mental image. True to the source material, I guess. Babies helping out these big 'mon that should be able to level tutorial dungeons.
-Oh lol they're related to Axel.
-"Enthusiasm sure comes in spades with merchants." Oh, Arian, sweetie, you really don't remember anything about being human, do you? Humans hate retail.
-Ah, so Melchior stayed back in Ozerograd did he. And I doubt things will stay "okay" for the place. It's crafty but, "Step in to defend a place after your sponsored warlord was ousted" could be considered a decent ploy to keep a small town in line.
-PMD lucariolu characters stop brooding because you're a happiness evo line challenge. (Failed instantly)
-I wonder if this flashback would've been better off broken into a separate chapter from all the tutorializing stuff going on before it.
-Yeah, I don't think Kallias is dead dead. Didn't find the body and all that. Perhaps amnesiac somewhere. That said, I wouldn't be surprised if there's actually some sort of malevolent force that had dwelled at the peak of this mysterious mountain. It afflicted Mitrofan and then caused problems when they tried to locate it.
-I still think there's more up with Melchior than this whole explanation. I guess the whole "haunted by inaction, being more cowardly" is a starting point for character growth as the conflict rolls on. But PMD has trained me to be sus of these things.
-You're not a proper PMD team until you've got the scarves. uwu

13
-I dunno, Elvira. I've read waaaaaaay nastier arguments between people than that. Seen 'em on TV, too. XD
-Miletos is being mentioned far too often here for it not to come up at some point. I get the feeling they'll be going over there whether they want to or not.
-Nah, I'm with Arian. Kallias survived. What state he's in is a mystery, but he's definitely alive.
-Are there any free places in this world? Veering into grimdark with all the authoritarian regimes. At the same time, though, the exact relationship between Selenia and Miletos is confusing. You talk about them sometimes like they're entirely separate nations and other times like Selenia's actually a vassal state of Miletos. And if the latter's power is truly that great... why haven't they taken over the former? Especially during that famine? Seems a bit... off to me. This has to be setting up stuff with this nation in the future. I see no need for such a significant chunk of exposition to be dropped about it unless it's going to be relevant to future chapters.
-And we're getting into all the lucariolu aura stuff. Tying it into Arian's missing memories could make for an interesting spin on the whole aura powers thing.
-The training battle's a mixed bag here. Because there's a lot of time spent with this sparring match. Perhaps a bit too much. And there's liberal use of "talking is a free action" which disrupts the pacing of the battle quite a bit. In the heat of the moment, Elvira really shouldn't be able to have, like, a whole paragraph of introspective thought stuff.

14
-So, Arian's just able to straight up read these books now? I thought he was still learning the local language. XD
-Ah, Selenia is a free country that drove out Miletos. Okay, I kind of wish that was established last chapter instead. I'm still suspicious that they wouldn't have tried anything in the intervening years. Especially when the last tsar was killed.
-I think we knew Zenobia was an immigrant, but that's a new one on Kallias on Melchior. I'm telling you, Miletos is going to be visited. It has to.
-Music crystals and a mission related to a flowery Primarina? It's almost nostaaaaaaaaaaaaalgic~
-Ah, yes, scarves. Truly the peak of proper furry fashion uwu
-Interesting dichotomy with Serafina's family choosing to flee while Elvira's stayed. And the former ended up dissatisfied and returned to Selenia anyway. It's like Elvira gets her peek at if things turned the other way.
-That was... a lot of exposition. Kind of wish there were more actions the characters were doing to break it up. Or, like, maybe weave it in with the dungeon crawling to break up that monotony?
-Lol lookalike items really exist here, huh? Waiting for the inevitable reviser seed mishap.
-Calling it now these musicians are working on music that can put people in a trance.

15
-TO THE CAPITAAAAAAAAAL
-See, I think your approach to introducing some of the capital setpieces here is much better. Having Arian ask questions as the team fish out of water so the others can explain as the proceed along the city walls.
-Arian's "I gotta remember to thank Natalie later" should be on a separate line, since it's a thought as dialogue.
-A minior statue? Definitely an odd choice for a square in the capital. Wonder what the significance is.
-Eminence hair and a fairy's gate? A... gardevoir? No, wait, grimmsnarl? It's too flowery for me to tell, but I get the feeling this person could be linked to Kallias and, perhaps, this prince who's actually alive?
-Funny thing is, though, the last game I played involving an exiled tsarevich had said exiled tsarevich as the Big Bad seeking to revive an awful power to reclaim his homeland. So, uh... DISTRUST. as long as he's not voiced by elijah wood.
-The musicians' backstory I feel like is trying to set Mitrofan up as being a more gray character than the black-and-white portrayal he's had thus far. But it does speak to a little issue of these characters just... being far too willing to spill their entire backstories in response to a simple line of questioning. I definitely feel like, even with the flowery dialogue, Dio could've explained the whole debt erasure thing much more succinctly.
-Typically wanted posters are much more... succinct. I feel like Arian and Elvira's should say something like "For crimes against the state."
-Not only do items work outside dungeons here, but the knights apparently don't use them? That seems... almost laughably inept, if I'm being honest.
-Ah, okay. It is a grimmsnarl. Though I'm not sure they should just be chitchatting out in the open when they were just on the run. Even ignoring the logistics, there's tonal whiplash where there isn't a really chance for the previous chase to die down and give us a moment to breathe. This honestly wouldn't be that bad a spot to end this part, either. Especially since we get into another lengthy backstory that throws more gray onto Mitrofan's character.
-If Irian Catacombs are a mystery dungeon and the knights frequent them, that makes their ignorance of the orbs earlier seem even more incompetent. :copyka:
-I know part of it is Arian's ignorance, but the constant reminds of the type chart personally read as quite unnecessary. I doubt anyone reading this isn't a pokémon fan and just because the games point out type match-ups doesn't mean the fic needs to this much. Especially since it's not a trainer fic.
-Wait, only guild members can find items on mystery dungeon floors? 🤔
-This was a very long chapter that I think prrrrrobably could've been split into easily three chapters on its own...

16
-No, bad Spiridon. No monologuing about your backstory. 🗞️
-oh no they're calling out their attack names like anime characters. It's so joever. :notlikethis:
-Very "end justifies the means" attitude for our alleged Big Bad, here. There's definitely a bit of paranoia if he's willing to just try and kill a treecko and a riolu. Or the villain's just smart and wants the heroes gone before they can actually become threats. :copyka:
-That eavesdropping bit also seemed like a bit of a... strange detour for the sake of dropping lore. Like, I get if they had nowhere to go, but Team Amina were kind of setting themselves up to get attacking sitting around that long. XD
-Ah, classist Metody. Very cool. But he also gets a bap for monologuing into his backstory. 🗞️
-Lmao throw ALL the items at them. Kitchen sink, too?
-Oh, well, at least Mitrofan is willing to stop everyone from ranting. Talking is really a free action in this fic, huh?
-All right, so Judeochristian version of Arceus as capital G God confirmed with this cathedral. Or perhaps, given the heavy Slavic skew of this world, it's Eastern Orthodox? 🤔
-HE'S A DA FREAKING POPE!
-Cleanse the church of its reputation? If that ain't true to life. Is this a Pope Francis expy? XD
-That was a lot of political grandstanding as walls of text, though. I want to believe Sansarn is a pure figure and I have no ideas of your thoughts on religion. This seems like a true in-universe Vatican, so maybe he is just a good guy trying to deal with corruption within the organization.
-You're definitely overusing your ellipses. Particularly at the start of dialogue. Way too many start with "..." It lessens their impact.

17
-I really have to wonder why the royal tomb is located at the depth of a mystery dungeon? To make it impossible to get to? It seems like it's a plan that has backfired a number of times already.
-"They took my wife, Dali." is the tl;dr. Or something. But I'm feeling more confident in my belief that there's some sort of force that corrupted him when he went up the mountain. And now he's in a position where he's begrudgingly doing things for a higher power of some sort.
-Oh, okay, I guess Arian does have a moment to hear about our lord and savior, godbutt. And, uh, all the other big box legends except the gen V dergs and necrozma RIP. And I see Arian is thinking about why this is such a crapsack world if Arceus made it. In other words, oh no an atheist. XD
-Jeez how many state leaders are gonna be assassinated in this fic? Crapsack world for real for real.
-Man it'd be weird if Arian secretly turns out to be some sort of divine emissary or whatever. But possible, I suppose.
-Not going to lie, for just being three chapters it felt like a lot more. Dare I say there was, perhaps, massive information overload. Barely any time to think on these revelations before more were thrown in. Some readers might eat that up. But others can find it positively exhausting.

18
-Oh, okay, we're just starting with a big ol' recap of the whole arc. Or, at least, what the mercs were around for. Because there was a lot of background lore. Given the chapter length, I wonder if the recap should've just been summarized with a brief paragraph and then have Melchior discuss some of the points.
-Yeah, I'm fairly confident the wife/kids disappearing is related to the killing/takeover. I would not be surprised if a third party manipulated things to get a desired outcome.
-Oh, hey, look, even the fic's pointing out how creepy Nikita and Mitrofan's relationship seemed several chapters back. I'll take it as a win for me.
-An evolution high, you say? It's almost nostaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalgic~
-Extended love flashback. Very lovey-dovey. Not much for me to say about it overall.

SE1-1
-As the one who previously wrote multi-chapter special episodes I'm going to caution you that taking this much time to deviate from the main plot is... more likely to the detriment of the story than it is to its benefit. Threadmark index tells me there aren't any other ones, so I will strongly recommend you find a way to alter your plans to make the remaining ones (if they exist) no longer than a chapter. Maybe two. Ask Namo if you need more advice.
-Vague mission posts are bad juju. My Admiral Ackbar senses are tingling.
-Bro if Hinnerk was this bad from the start whyyyyyyyyy was he even allowed in the guild in the first place? The reason Kallias gives is bad, too. Surely there are alternatives.
-Even Kallias acknowledges her daughter's a 📣NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD
-Oh god that toxicroak accent. Big Chef Torte from SMRPG vibes. :grohno:
-No even the parents call out attack names like anime characters. 😭
-Yeah there's definitely some sort of shady organization responsible for Mitrofan's wife and kids going poof. I... sincerely hope it's only the toxicroak who talks like that because it'd be very tough to take an organization seriously if they all have that weird accent.
-Not sure what to make of the flowers because they sound very... Arceus in their description.
-Paralogues? What is this Fire Emb— actually, y'know what, yes. With all this focus on nobility and politics this is definitely Fire Emblem-flavored PMD.

SE1-2
-Blackening? Someone's going to kill and try to get away with it at a class trial?!
-I can't remember if the royal family's species were brought up before. But waaaaaait a sec, I thought the tsesarevich was named Leonid, not Kasimir. What's going on here?
-Also "royal family have become monke"
-The creepy group was making a poison. Hmm. I get the feeling Kasimir is not going to be long for this world...
-Also called it on the arceus flower.
-Okay, thinking about this as PMD but Fire Emblem I'm now acutely aware of why so many of these pokémon give their noble lineage full names and spout off their history. It's a very Fire Emblem thing to do. Thing is... those are RPGs. This is prose fiction. Some of that stuff doesn't always translate well from one medium to the other.
-Oh dear so Mikhail and Hinnerk's history comes into play here. Possibly as a result of this shady group. Was it Mikhail who managed to get Mitrofan to put Hinnerk in charge of Ozerograd, then?
-And another mystery potion brewing gang. Cue the "Those Who Slither in the Dark" dubstep. I only know Three Houses memes.
-Oi, language, Spiridon, you only get one of those for the entire fic. Good going. This is an M-rated story now. :screm:

Stopping here for now. There's a lot I could say. I might if I come back to this.
 
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Ambyssin

Gotta go back. Back to the past.
Location
Residency hell
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. silvally-dragon
  2. necrozma-ultra
  3. milotic
  4. zoroark-soda
  5. dreepy
  6. mewtwo-ambyssin
Can I catch up with this fic before the end of the week? Probably not, but it won't be for lack of trying. Back to Fire Emblem we goooooo.

SE 1-3
-I personally disagree with the structure of the first parts of this chapter. Rather than making them extended flashbacks (in what's already an extended flashback), you should have just had them play out and then start a scene where Melchior's having trouble sleeping after a week has gone by. You're already doing the flashbackception in chronological order anyway. It would be more cohesive IMO.
-Poison the water supply? I'm reminded of that one Spongebob meme. Truly, there's a Spongebob meme for everything. Like the Simpsons.
-Wife counts as family, Melchior. Smh.
-No, no you absolutely call off this dumb celebration if someone's out to poison the water supply. I hope this is intended to paint the nobles as a bunch of idiots. XD
-Nikita already considered a watchful eye as a cubone? Yes, let the child be a watchful eye. Very good idea.
-Autopsies. They do autopsies. I hope you realize that's part of my job so if anything is described in detail I will scrutinize it like the dickens. :copyka: Also I'm pretty sure from a legal standpoint that if Spiridon was not intending to kill the cultist outright the charge might be manslaughter instead except it doesn't matter does it because he's free in the present so clearly Mitrofan pardoned him after seizing power.
-Branislav's either getting poisoned or killed off when Mitrofan's in power. Or maybe forced to flee overseas. No way such a jerk stays unharmed.
-Literal paragraphs-long "reason you suck speech." I guess that's enough to be called angry. Mitrofan needs a Snickers.
-I still think everyone showing up like this is a terrible idea. And am waiting for the consequences to unfold.
-No, the takeaway for Stiliyan isn't that being a merc is bad, it's that being the guildmaster sucks. No one likes administration. That's mostly true IRL.
-These are... what? If they're going to say it's for a contingency, may as well outright say what they are. I bet they're an antidote. Maybe just purely the arceus flowers.
-"Make a misanthrope's skin crawl" is one hell of a way to describe a crowd.
-If they're thinking about chaos, I wonder why no one brought up the tomb mystery dungeon underneath the city as a place for the cult to hide? They were already found in two previous mystery dungeons.
-Bisharp? Not Kingambit? I'm pretty sure this fic started before SV existed anyway.
-Ah, there's Leonid. So, yeah, older brother's going to bite the big one with his parents, then. RIP.
-HE'S GOT A BOB-OMB! 😱
-If the narrator is practically lampshading that the historical background of the canal doesn't help with the situation, why bring it up anyway?
-In before the bomb contained poison and by dropping it in the canal it is now free to spread through it.

SE 1-4
-I do have to say, a timer bomb feels slightly higher than the level of tech the fic's had up until this point. Surely blast seeds and stuff exist and could be combined for a bigger bomb. But timed detonation? Next we're going to see actual artillery.
-Language, Hinnerk! :screm:
-I mean, sure, go Kallias with your speech and stuff. But, like, talking's not supposed to be a free action.
-All right, at least they're not calling out their attack names like anime characters.
-LANGUAGE, HINNERK. Single-handedly boosting this fic's rating to M smh.
-Ah, dang, really thought this'd be one of the shorter action sequences, but I guess we're in Ackbar "It's a trap!" territory.
-Never mind, guess the secret gift was mega evolution. Time to turn the tides with super saiyan powers. I'm not sure you really need to describe the whole mega evolution process, since it clearly seems like Kallias and Melchior both know what it is. As do the enemies, apparently.
-It's still funny to me that Melchior uses Mud Bomb as his signature attack when it's, uh, definitely outclassed by other ground-type moves. At least Leaf Blade has that high crit rate.
-All right, worshiping some unknown legend. Cult confirmed!
-Nooooo bad guy don't call out your attack names like an anime character. 😭
-Starting to think whoever this mystery power is might've already returned in the present day. Either through direct possession of Mitrofan or through manipulating him in the shadows. At least the prolonged battling's over.
-Ace rank? I thought they were Master rank and aiming for Grandmaster rank. Did you forget?
-Yeah, really starting to think looking into this underground organization is what drew everyone to the mountain where things went things went belly up in a number of different ways.
-Oh lol Elvira just... brings up the possibility anyway.
-Aaaaand there's the setup for a future special episode. I stand by the warning that I gave before. Yes, the extended flashbacks can provide context for the present, but they also risk sort of derailing the plot. I'd try to find a way to condense down events, if I were you.
-Hard to envision this cult symbol. Maaaaybe it's implying association with Lunala and/or Necrozma? Yveltal could also be appropriate for a cult, I guess.

19: Oh have we reached the recruitment tutorial? XD
-Ah, yes, I see Arian is making a Pepe Silva chart like any sane, rational person would after this special episode.
-The medic in me wants to say that sleep-deprived 'mons relying on chesto berries like they're caffeine pills are setting themselves up to die of sleep deprivation. This is a real thing btw.
-Mysteries in a mystery dungeon fic? How shocking!
-Ah, I guess two of the old marshals did manage to get away and sequester themselves somewhere. Even though I hardly think of a furret as a frightening 'mon or a good battler.
-Arian be like "I'm on a boat! 🦀"
-These mercs are supposed to be adults, right? Why are they gossiping about crushes like they're in grade school? XD
-Romancing your cousin is totally Fire Emblem approved. I think. Maybe.
-Elvira brings up a point: after what happened in the capital, wouldn't it behoove them to lay low for longer?
-Huzzah, we're skipping directly to the end of the dungeon.
-Hmm. I see that fear of using "said" as a dialogue tag is back this chapter with a nasty vengeance.
-Combo moves? Next you're gonna tell me they're actually called dual techs.
-Damn, the bird really did survive. Then again, I guess every Fire Emblem has at least one insufferable character you can recruit.
-Building up an army to take back the kingdom? Yeah, this really is a Fire Emblem game. :mewlulz:
-Oh no, the team was discovered. Who could've possibly seen this coming? [looks up a few bullet points]

20: Does this mean I get to play an Ace Attorney Pursuit theme?
-Metody, what are you doing? Jump 'em while they're explaining your family backstory.
-Right, Arian spilled the beans on the guild's location. Time for that cave in! :V
-I see Branislav is pulling double duty as the prick and the resident Large Ham. This means we're going to be stuck with him for a while, isn't it? :sadbees:
-Units are getting overwhelmed? Shift mission priority from "routing the enemy" to "defeat the commander." XD
-No, no, don't do the villain idiocy thing of "leave them to me." If you have the numbers, you might as well use them. Welp, RIP their chances in this fight o7.
-The knights' refusal to use items really is an "honor before reason" moment on full display, huh?
-TIME FOR A CHAINTEAM ATTACK!
-"The way excitement withers to despair." Okay, Junko. Calm your tits.
-I guess both sides were stalling for assorted plans. The protags for whatever this swoobat is doing (which will probably happen soon) and the baddies for Mitrofan showing up.
-Oh okay the furret's related to the princess that fled. Yaaaaay family tree nonsense.
-I'm really unsure what the numbers are like on each side but it feels as though fights keep stopping for people to talk. If Mitrofan wants to stop them, then just attack while they talk.
-At least Nikita is smart enough to use the orb.
-And after all this, Arian gets the Sword of the Creatormystical lucariolu aura powers. But why are the others just standing by and watching. On both sides? I imagine they must not be. It's a major peril of doing fights like this with an omniscient narrator. With all the perspective juggling, it gets a bit concerning when other parties are just getting ignored for extended periods.
-I AM LAPRAS VON AEGIR. (Rip Billy Kametz, a real one o7)
-Language, Maciej! :screm:
-This was, once again, another long and protracted fight and just two chapters removed from one that was also mostly fighting...

21: Seeds of hope, you say? Puhuhuhu...
-I have similar issues with how things are treated here structurally to chapter 19. I do see what you're going for, but that style works better for games than prose fics IMO. Also, like, they're still in the guild? Why are they not evacuating ASAP?
-Man, if I had a nickel for every time someone called this Kumiega house a bunch of skeevs I could treat myself to dinner.
-Okay, at least they're evacuation almost ASAP. Good enough, I guess. But also, yeah, Elvira, proooobably can't afford to keep writing letters at this rate.
-Somehow Arian manages to come up with a decent enough descriptor of the Big Bang despite a general lack of knowledge toward it. NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD.
-More religious figures. So far, at least, the clergy is being presented as decent, if not shrouded in past scandals. I'm not sure what angle you're aiming for with them. Especially since there's some legend-worshiping cult in the background.
-Illuminatus? Like the illuminati?! 😱
-I can't think of Alba without thinking of quercus alba and, thus, the Ace Attorney character. [diplomatic immunity PTSD intensifies]
-None of these countries get along, apparently. Good to know.
-A culture built around strength? I mean this is a PMD world. Battling could be important and all that.
-Y'know, given the whole "legendary merc dad with royal connections" that's getting flaunted here, in some respects Elvira feels like the Byleth to Kallias' Geralt. Which is funny, since Arian's the one with the missing memories and magical aura powers.
-Nah those parallels to the old famine aren't just a coincidence. This is foreshadowing... something. Maybe some sort of sun/moon imbalance? The cult did have a moon symbol of sorts. Unless it was a symbol of breaking the moon because they want the world to burn in sunlight.
-Oh, Lex and his sister will absolutely have to cross paths at some point. :copyka:

22: Go westnorth, young 'mon.
-Isaac just wants to put the power in the hands of the proletariat. No big deal.
-Wait the princess got engaged to the younger brother after the older one died? Kinda creepy ngl.
-Isaac's a prick but I respect his not wanting there to be more backstories.
-Ah, back to the floor by floor dungeon exploration. I guess that's meant to give them time to talk to Yuliya and stuff. It is still dungeon trekking though. XP
-You wouldn't bring up dungeon TMs and not have them find one, right? 🤔
-Huzzah, Branislav will be left behind for a while after all! :mewlulz:
-I want to say Maciej just wants to do good and stuff, but Arian bringing that up and how he just seems to have been an assistant for the most blowhard ex-marshal makes me worried Maciej actually has an agenda. Maybe he's with the cult or just a third party.

23: But if they're scalies, why would they want to break scales? Unless... ohhh myyyyy
-I suppose this intro is meant to establish the culture and whatnot but it does still come off as a small misunderstanding plot. And those tend to be big oofs. XP
-"I'm not weak!" Okay, Infinite, settle down there.
-Language, Enfys. :screm:
-Well, were they a handful or easy? It can't be both. :P
-It's the old mid-battle inspiring flashback to give the hero their second wind. FeelsAnimeMan.
-And so it ends with a quiet surrender. More like a spar than anything. I guess Alba's culture is that of noble blood knights.
-If this is desert night chill, why would a couple of dragons want to be in the middle of it? Sure, they got a campfire, but you'd think they should be booking it to shelter. Same with Elvira.
-In some respects, yes, blind luck (aka protagonist syndrome) has gotten them this far. May have problems against this absol when they run into them in the future. I assume the "him" refers to Arian.

24: Assuming they haven't been on dry land the last couple of parts? :P
-The description of the intense heat makes me feel more like this is a Dune-inspired country as opposed to anything Gaelic.
-Rule 1, Arian.
-Ah, Arian senses the absol. Which means they're tailing close enough. Good ol' aura powers and their up in the air range.
-"I see I've still got a ways to go." And now I imagine Yannick speaking with Chris Tergliafera's deep voice. :copyka:
-Despite some of the bristling and culture differences, though, the Albans seem to be enjoyable characters to read about. Genuinely much nicer than a lot of the stuffier Selenian characters that we've seen in the prior twenty chapters. ... I'm gonna assume that's intentional.
-Oh, Giratina got sealed away huh. With a Tyrant King. And by five heroes who became leaders of their respective countries. I mean, Fire Emblem is full of dark dragons... but this just sounds like Nemesis and his squad™. Look I only know one Fire Emblem game. And now that I think about it maybe Giratina is the 'mon that cult is trying to bring back. Even if there was the moon symbol. Awful weather could be... rather chaotic.
-If I had a nickel for every PMD fic I've read in the last 24 hours that references Flowerbeds, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.
-Bad charmeleon. No being horny on main. 🗞️
-A crocalor MC is close to appropriate. I don't think the microphone fire bird actually appears until it's a skeledirge, though.
-Okay but how would some random desert dweller in a low-tech society know about arthritis? I'm madge.
-Again, Arian, tone down the Infinite. :mewlulz:
-This also feels like a pint-sized version of Paul earning the Fremen's respect by fighting one of their great warriors. Except instead it's Arian beating up a child who's even younger than him. XD
-I bet the absol's... somehow the one sending him these subliminal messages. Or else it's, like, Arian's inner self.
-The power of Luchristio compels you! ✝️
-Hmm. Starting to think there is some sort of great power (or, perhaps, great spirit?) dwelling inside of Arian. Like many a FE protagonist.

25: And into the... sands? To grandmother's house we go?
-Damn, woken up before he could meet himself. :sadbees:
-Aerodactyl taxis? Not exactly flying in style, but at least they fare okay in head and desert winds.
-Imagine if the heat turned them all into enigma berries.
-Language, Enfys! :screm: I'm-a need a swear jar for this fic's F-bombs.
-Not quite a cloud cuckoolander, but appropriately this flying-type seems to have her head in the clouds. please don't make me write her name out.
-I get that there's a lot of Gaelic inspiration here. But between the desert backdrop with intense heat, dressing appropriately, meals using a variety of spices, and a copperajah at the helm it's hard for my head not to default to Arabic inspirations instead.

26: Elephant in the room.
-I dunno. I think it would be fun if Trahaern spoke the truth and Leonid really isn't leadership material, so they have to come up with an entirely different option.
-Something like "*knock knock knock*" is not really what you should be putting into proper prose. That's like a text box from a game. You should go with a proper "knock at the door" kind of sentence.
-lmao Elvira's legally an adult? Li'l baby lizerb. XD
-NOODLE ALERT :veelove:
-Yannick's penchant for punching and his giant appetite mean he's just Raphael. I accept this. When does he get to yell "I'M ON A ROLL!" before his crit?
-Language, Enfys! :screm:
-Arian's anti horny meter already has him sus of the noodle. Smh.
... Wait. [squint]

27: I mean they were in the city the last two parts, too, but sure.
-Language, Enfys! And no horny on main, baby rock 'mons! :screm:
-Don't question the game logic of kecleon, you two. They work in mysterious ways~
-"If only I was taller." Got some bad news, Arian. Lucario are manlets. It won't get much better. :mewlulz:
-Fortune teller absol, huh. Leaning into the disaster sense, but in a healthy and productive way compared to many other fics. :charhaha:
-Thrust into the spotlight with a lot of questionable stuff, huh? Watch Arian to have somehow secretly played a role in the current state of the world and just... forgot about it because of self-inflicted amnesia.
-The falinks is (are?) pretty funny.
-Well, I guess bitter and resentful is at least somewhat in line with what we heard.

28
-Oh god all the gratuitous foreign languages. Why are there human languages in this PMD world?
-Jeez is there even one of these countries that has something resembling peace?
-Ah, welp, the dragonair's in the cult. And they have their fingers in both this country and with Selenia. At least, that's my interpretation. She's very much like... Kronya, I guess?

... And, huh. Guess I was able to catch up. So, yeah, realizing that this is, in fact, Fire Emblem in a PMD trench coat, some of the things that made me raise my eyebrow make sense. It is replicating the source material in some regards. While the faithfulness is admirable, there's a lot of "gameness" to parts of the fic that I personally don't think translate well.

The long-winded backstory speeches, for example. Definitely something you see a lot in FE, but reads very inorganically. Within Alba, this has been toned down significantly. Though I think part of that is because Alba has no nobility to speak of. This could very well change going forward and I would strongly advise you look to these chapters as examples of how to more naturally discuss this stuff. Most intel and backstories come while other things are being done, like political negotiations. (My exception to this is just having it happen during dungeon trekking; I still firmly believe you can cut the dungeons out.) Or, y'know, read some of the heart-to-hearts that Namo and I have.

The other big thing are the battles. Again, Alba's been a breach of fresh air because the plot's consistently moved forward without much battling. But that appears to be coming to an end soon. The thing about the fights is that they are generally rather similar, with pokémon throwing around their attacks (and occasionally using an item). And, uh, perhaps because of the FE inspiration or perhaps because you have an omniscient narrator, the battles almost feel turn-based at points. Like people just... stop what they're doing so we can focus on one or two characters. Or action pauses for someone to give a long speech.

Talking really should not be as free of an action as you allow it to be. The recent fights have been better in that regard, perhaps because they've been much smaller scale and mostly 1-v-1 or 1-v-2 affairs. Again, though, that looks like it's going to change soon. So, if I had to make suggestions, it's these:
1) If characters are going to talk/strategize, they need a way to separate themselves from their enemies. Either that, or you need to start punishing people for making these speeches. And don't fall into the trap of constantly having characters get cut off mid-boast by an incoming attack. That can get repetitive.
2) Even with an omniscient narrator, pick one or two characters to anchor the fight around. Stay focused on their perspective(s) and don't try to swap over to another part of the fight. It's okay to just imply some stuff is going on in the background. Alternatively, people get split up and you devote separate scenes to them. Again, you're reading Namo's stuff. Mine, too. We do limited perspective fights and action pieces, while they can sometimes be a whole chapter, are whole chapters that are smaller. So...
3) Pokémon don't need to be able to eat a zillion hits. Beware making it too gamey where there are "phases" to a fight. I fell into this trap hard for years and I'm still recovering to this day.

Overall this gets an Upside Down Box Art Claude/10 so far. Keep up the good work. XD
 

Gyeig

Bug Catcher
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. samurott

Review of Chapter 10.​


Chapter 10 this time. Oh hey, it’s him, the big guy himself. The one you’ve gotten half of Diner to simp over for the last few months, ain’t that something. Nice to switch to a new PoV, who’s quickly established as a big bad - you know more than I do, but everything about Mitrofan from his presentation to his attitude to his thought bubbles pretty much yells out ‘this is not someone you want to get on the bad side of’ - more on that later.

So yeah, other than that, this chapter is pretty much the capstone on Act I, so to speak. Ozerograd is safe, Hinnerk’s been drop kicked into jail, the Thorned Roses are no more, and even the guy who put them in charge to begin with is sick of their shit and doesn’t care to bail ‘em out. As a result, content wise the chapter’s mostly just wrapping a bow tie on some unresolved things, and moving things along for Act II to get going - given Mitrofan’s introduction, the next chapter is practically guaranteed to start it. No complaints about this sort of content, it needs to be there.

…just not like this.

Okay, I know these reviews I’m writing can get pretty exhaustive. Hell, they sure as shit aren’t fun to write. But this has been a recurring issue for most of the fic now, and it really has to be said: Everything in this fic is just incredibly long winded. Prose, dialogue, scenes, all of it can be chopped down to size without losing anything information wise. So often while reading did my internal editor just turn on and go ‘okay, this doesn’t need to be spelled out’ or ‘this sounds like the character is talking directly to the audience’ that it got distracting - something which isn’t helped by how long these chapters are, either.

Not going to meticulously point at every last case of this, but here’s some things i’ve picked up on in particular:

  • Every time one or more characters bumps into the protagonists, everyone individually says hello to each other.
  • Many cases where characters’ emotional states or reactions are unnecessarily repeated. I lost track of how many times I saw a variation of ‘Everyone is super happy the Thorned Roses are gone’ - this being spelled out in the opening paragraphs when it comes up so often in the chapter is probably the worst offender
  • Characters explaining pieces of worldbuilding in a neutral voice, making it sound like it’s meant for the audience and not just the character
  • Mitrofan dropping his thoughts on Elvira in a thought bubble. Wouldn’t it add more tension if it’s purposefully left vague?

That’s the main things. And sure, individually they’re just nitpicks. But the end result is a bloated wordcount. This chapter is 11k words, yet it feels like you’re trying to fill up an essay for a school assignment. I know, that’s extremely harsh to say, but that’s honestly what it feels like.

I want to reiterate again: I don’t dislike what you’re doing. Hell, all those ideas you’ve been sharing in Spoiler Discussion sessions, and all the exposé clearly shows you’re passionate about this, and I really appreciate that. At the same time, when something isn’t right, it’s a tremendous disservice to not point your attention towards it. I hope that you can understand my PoV on this, and that it helps you out in one way or another. Thanks again for the chapter, and good luck-
 
Chapter 29 - Animus Festering

Arukona

A Scribe Penning His Brainworms
Location
Ardalion
Pronouns
He/him
Partners
  1. aggron
  2. sceptile
  3. lucario
Chapter 29
Animus Festering

"Urgh…" Arian let out a yawn and wiped sleep from his eye. Another early morning, and yet the Riolu still hadn't fully adjusted to the new routine of waking before the sun rose. Elvira was in a similar state, bleary-eyed at having to get up before dawn.

But the knocking at the door reminded them that they had a task before them. Elvira walked to the door and opened it.

"Good morning, Team Elpis," Yuliya greeted.

"Morning, Yuliya," Elvira said. "So…we head to Dálriada and Annwyn today?"

"We do, indeed. His Highness and Carwyn are waiting in the foyer as we speak." The Furret looked in that direction. "I'd advise we move as soon as possible. His Highness does not like to be kept waiting."

"Right." Arian stifled another yawn as he moved toward the door with Elvira.

It was another quiet morning, strolling through the Guild's hallways. Arian's ears could hear muffled noises from some of the dorms, as other mercs were getting ready to start their day. Was this what the old Irian Guild was like? he thought. This whole getting up at the crack of dawn schtick? It's kinda what our life was like underground…but I kinda want to experience it officially. Maybe we'll get that when we beat Mitrofan…

"You're late." A stern voice cut through the Riolu's thoughts. They had arrived in the main foyer, and there stood Leonid and Carwyn. All six of the Falinks circled him, ready to defend him from an attack. As well as that, Scáthach was present, standing on a nearby perch.

"We're not that late," Arian defended.

"Hmph! The latecomer's stock response," scoffed Leonid. "Tardiness is inexcusable. One minute can mean all the difference between seizing an opportunity and missing it. Perhaps even the difference between life and death."

"Just what's that supposed to mean?" The Riolu sounded almost indignant at what the Bisharp might be implying.

"Arian!" Elvira whispered sharply, nudging his side.

"Oh. I-I mean, sorry we're late!" Arian quickly changed tack. "It won't happen again."

"As it should be," the Bisharp huffed. "Now then." He turned to Scáthach. "You said there were some matters that needed briefing before our departure, Tánaiste?"

"Yep!" Scáthach nodded, before she took out a map. "You'll be headed to a village called Tairbeart, around here." She gestured to a location in the middle of the Alban desert, in the western half of the country. "You'll meet with the chief of Dálriada there. Her name's Eilidh Tunlaire Mhic Riada, and she's an Excadrill."

"I have heard the name," Leonid murmured. "Ever warring with her opposite number, Chief Uther Brynmor ap Eigyr of Annwyn."

"But why are we meeting with one of the rebel leaders?" Arian pointed out. "Aren't they…you know. Suspicious?"

"For once, I agree with him," Leonid said. "I have long since tired of being stabbed in the back by people who swear they were my ally. Who's to say this will be any different?"

"We've been in talks with her for a while now," Scáthach explained. "She was more willing than Uther, who hasn't shown a bit of compromise. And we got assurances from her that there would be no backstabbing."

"I'll trust an assurance from a filthy rebel when this land freezes over," growled Leonid.

"Don't get your cape in a twist, Prince Leonid," the Archeops said. "We've got it worked out! Don't worry if things go south out there. We've organised a little back-up plan."

"Hmph. And just what is this 'back-up plan', exactly?"

"...That's a secret." Scáthach winked at him.

"I beg your pardon?" Leonid was displeased. "Do not leave me in the dark!"

"Trust me, Leonid, it'll all work out," the Archeops assured. "I'd love to tell you, but…I think it's better we keep that a secret for now. Gotta be off, though. That paperwork won't write itself. Hee hee!"

Before the Bisharp could protest, Alba's tánaiste was off to tackle that day's duties.

"That was weird," Arian said.

"Tch! What a farce this all is." Leonid shook his head in annoyance. "It can never be simple with these tribespeople and their quarrels. How vexing…"

"There is no use complaining, Your Highness," Yuliya said. "If we are to free our land, then we must help Alba first."

"...Very well. If we must…" With a flick of his tattered cape, Leonid turned to head for the entrance. "The taxi awaits us at the dock. Come," he called out to Team Elpis, who followed after him. The prince's armoured feet clinked against the stone floor, while Carwyn moved in tandem with him. Yuliya followed close by, with Team Elpis trailing behind them all.

As they walked into the still morning air, Elvira began to whisper to Arian, now that they were out of earshot from the rest of the group.

"Arian," she whispered. "You really shouldn't be criticising Leonid like this."

"But Elvira, he's being completely unreasonable!" Arian whispered back.

"Not completely. He's a prince with high standards, and it goes without saying that you don't backtalk to people like him," the Treecko went on. "Besides…he's our prince. It would be an incredible morale boost if we could get him home. So please, Arian. No more."

"...Fine," murmured Arian. But his thoughts still remained on Leonid, and as he watched the Bisharp's advancing figure, his lips curled in annoyance.

If only we didn't have to rely on him of all people…

The group walked across the Istwyth bridge to the taxi dock. A number of taxis were lined up, with a number of mercs awaiting the call for clearance for takeoff. A Granbull saw the group approach.

"Ah, Prince Leonid," she said. "Your taxi to Annwyn is waiting over there." She pointed to where an Aerodactyl trio sat atop a carriage noticeably bigger than the rest.

"I see. Thank you." With that, Leonid strode forward towards the carriage, with his allies quick to follow.

The three Aerodactyl were inspecting the carriage as the group approached. Immediately, they turned to face them.

"Well, if it isn't Himself!" one of the Aerodactyl called out to them. "And cúpla cairde of his as well!"

"Goin' over to Annwyn to put some smacht on those two chiefs." The second one chuckled. "How much you all bettin' that we'll be bringin' skeletons back to Breffy?"

"I'd bet my flying licence on it!" the third one shouted, to roaring laughter from the other two.

"Excuse me!" Leonid cried out indignantly. "Do you know no shame? Is this how Alba's taxis operate, badmouthing their passengers behind their back?"

"Hey! We're not doing that," the third Aerodactyl defended. "We're telling it right to your face instead! Big difference right there!" More belly laughs from the three fliers.

"Ye really wanna go over to those two tíortha and tell 'em to can it?" the second Aerodactyl questioned, once the laughing had died down. "Even fightin's not shuttin' them up these days."

"Eh." The first Aerodactyl shrugged. "It's his funeral, not ours. We're just here to ferry folks around. What he does is his problem; all that matters is we get paid at the end of the day, right?"

"Would you quit jabbering and allow us to enter?" Leonid cut off, irritated. "We have a mission to carry out! One sanctioned by the rí, no less!"

"Alright, alright, don't get your princely britches in a twist, now." The first Aerodactyl went to the side and opened the door. "There ye are. Now get in. We'll be ready for takeoff soon."

Carwyn was the first to enter, three of them entering the carriage. They gave the all clear, and after that, Leonid, the other three of Carwyn, and Yuliya boarded. Arian and Elvira were about to board, but before they could, a voice called out to them.

"Wait, wait, waaaaaiiiiiit!"

"Hm?" Arian looked over to see a familiar sight. A familiar Dragonair was slithering towards them. "Sabrina?"

"Oh…thank the rí you hadn't left yet," Sabrina panted. "I've got a prezzie for you, Arian!"

"For me?" Arian tilted his head. "What is it?"

"It's from Yannie, actually. He thought this might help you out. But he's not around to give it, so here I am instead!" Sabrina fished into her satchel, before pulling out a small package. "There you go!"

"...Thanks." The Riolu took it from her.

"Don't thank me, thank Yannie! He got it for you, after all," Sabrina said. "Now you really will be strong and cute! The two best things when put together!"

"Oh, er…th-thanks, heh heh..." Arian muttered sheepishly, still unsure how to take the Dragonair's words. He could feel his cheeks beginning to heat up.

"Hurry up!" Leonid's voice called angrily from the carriage. "Get inside! We cannot dawdle any longer!"

"Oop, gotta go," Arian said. "Thanks for coming, Sabrina!"

"No problem! And good luck with your mission today! Hopefully Prince Grumpyblades can get that steel pole out of his arse," Sabrina chuckled. "Anyway, bye!" With that, she turned, and slithered away, while Team Elpis boarded the carriage.

"Tch. More holdups," Leonid muttered in annoyance.

"It would not have mattered," Yuliya told him. "The Aerodactyl aren't finished with their pre-flight checks. We still have to wait."

"I wish they would hurry up. The sooner they finish, the sooner we can leave and sort this mess out. Messes that I have to clean up instead of Albans who created their own problems in the first place…"

The group sat and waited. A few minutes later, the Aerodactyl were ready, and with the flaps of three sets of wings, the carriage was soon airborne in the Alban sky.





"Thunder Punch and Ice Punch?"

Arian stared in mild shock at what was inside the package Sabrina gave to him. There were a few seeds - blast and stun seeds, mainly, which Elvira filed away in their bag - but the main attractions of Yannick's gift were the two TM discs, one coloured yellow and the other light blue.

"That's quite generous of him," Elvira commented. "He must really think you have potential."

"We can't really test them out until we land," Arian said. "But there's no harm in learning them now." He took the Thunder Punch TM and pressed it to his head, before doing the same with the Ice Punch one. Now, he had two new moves at his disposal.

Immediately, he started strategising how best to use them. Hmm, maybe I could combine the two of them to make an elemental combo attack! Ooh, that'd be cool! he suddenly thought, mentally filing away the idea to test out upon landing.

That wouldn't be for another while, though. So Arian stretched out his arms and put his feet up on the table to relax.

"Get your feet off the table," Leonid ordered, glancing up from behind the papers he was reading and glaring at the Riolu.

"Fine." Arian replied, reluctantly obliging.

"Hmph. Peasant." With that, Leonid went back to reading.

Arian lightly growled, half tempted to put his feet back up on the table in defiance. But Elvira's request from earlier came back to him, and he kept his feet on the ground.

If yesterday was anything to go by, the flight would take a few hours at least. Already, the Riolu had become bored. I should've brought a book with me or something. That would keep me occupied.

His gaze fell on Prince Leonid, who was gazing at pieces of parchment. Intriguingly, Yuliya, as well as C and A, were looking at them too.

"What are you looking at, Your Highness?" Elvira asked.

"...Reports from the tíortha of Dálriada and Annwyn of raids and attacks on each other." Leonid did not look up from the papers. "Rí Trahaern gave them to me last night."

"What about them?" Arian wondered.

Leonid sighed, before laying them out on the table. There were reports among them, of scribbly writings detailing attacks, but catching Team Elpis's attention was the detailed map of western Alba. A number of Xs, of both red and black colours, were dotted on it, along with arrows connecting place to place on the map. Chief among the details were the names 'Dálriada' and 'Annwyn' in large letters.

"What you see here are attacks on various villages around where Dálriada and Annwyn meet," Leonid informed. "The red marks Dálriada attacks, and black marks Annwyn attacks. These raids are carried out for purposes of gathering food and resources for the other, and have infrequently occurred between both tíortha. There has rarely been agreement between them except in times of strife. However, these attacks have seen a noticeable increase in recent months."

"Because of the drought?" Elvira guessed.

"Correct. Sometimes raids arrive home empty-handed with nothing to show for their efforts. Other times, reprisal attacks are carried out. Safe to say, this has resulted in considerable unrest in these regions, and if we do not quell this matter at the heart, then strife will engulf more of Alba. That is what Rí Trahaern and Tánaiste Scáthach fear the most."

"So we have to stop all of this? Just the five of us?" Arian gestured to all of them. "But we can't do this all on our own!"

"I am well aware of that. Calm yourself, you fool," Leonid scowled. "Defeatist attitudes will get us nowhere."

"Forgive me for saying this, Your Highness," Elvira cut in. "But I'm not confident in this plan. There's a very real possibility we could be betrayed, and little to no backing going into this doesn't bode well."

"Well, do you have another plan?" Leonid looked irked. "By all means, tell me. I would be quite interested to hear it."

"I…" Elvira faltered. "I don't have one."

"Do not protest if you cannot find an alternative plan, then," the Bisharp scorned. "The last thing I need is interference from Guildlings who think they know better!"

"Hey!" Arian growled. "Elvira has a point! Don't you think talking to a potential rebel against the rí goes against what we're trying to do?"

"...Oh Creator, why must I have been allied with such imbeciles?" Leonid muttered in annoyance. "Do you reject every solution that comes your way? I have no time for such attitudes! Shelve such defeatism, for we will never accomplish anything with that stance!"

"Oh, excuse me, am I wrong for wanting to-"

"Your Highness! Arian!" Yuliya interrupted. "Enough, the both of you! Let's not fracture relations before we've even begun this mission!"

"Tell him to cease his empty criticisms," Leonid demanded. "If he cannot offer new plans, then he has no ground on which to stand!"

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Arian growled.

"In fairness to Arian…he has a right to be concerned," Yuliya admitted. "But Carwyn and I will shield you from any harm should we fall into any traps. I don't know of a better way to go about this. The reports seem to suggest that Chief Uther is the primary instigator of these raids, so it would be best to go against him, I think. Nonetheless, we should try and resolve this matter as peacefully as we can."

"I doubt we will get far with that line of thinking, given the bloodthirst of some Albans," Leonid said doubtfully. "But we shall try anyway. Diplomacy comes first."

With that decision made, the five continued to deliberate the plan as the taxi made its way to the two rebellious tíortha.

As they travelled, Arian felt a knot forming in his stomach. The plan Leonid was going with, along with the possibility of negotiating with threats to the Alban state, gave rise to doubts within him - of the plan, of the prince and of the rebellious tíortha.

Here's hoping that nothing bad happens…





The sun had passed its mid-afternoon peak by the time the taxi landed in a small village in Dálriada. The settlement stood at the foot of knife-like mountains that formed jagged contours on the Alban landscape. Mountain passes bore through the hills like cavities in teeth, and a rocky path stretched from the village towards them.

The three Aerodactyl prepared to land their taxi at the side of the path, just outside the village. . There was no standalone dock there like in Teamhair or Breifne; this place appeared too small and rural for that.

"The village of Tairbeart," Leonid said, as the taxi touched down. "Rural even by the tír's standards. The chief's main residence is in Steòrnabhagh, to the north of here. Truly a backwater, this place. No wonder they despise the rí, with how far removed it is from Breifne."

"Yeah…" Arian replied. He certainly got that feel; even Teamhair looked much more elegant than this. Stone houses along a dusty strip of road was all it was. This looked to be as rural as it got in Alba.

Upon looking at the village, however, the group found themselves surprised by its population; there were more people here than the group would have expected of an isolated village like this. Many of them turned toward the new arrivals, and made their way over.

Arian tensed. Please don't attack us, please don't attack us…

"Well, now. Who do we have here?" a Bombirdier cooed, flying up to them. "A Bisharp and his motley band…Are you Prince Leonid of Selenia, by any chance?"

"Indeed," Leonid proclaimed. "I am he."

"Formal, aren't we?" the bird chuckled. "I'm Labhra Mhèirlithe Mhic Riada, aide to our chief. She's in this crowd somewhere. Over there." She gestured to an Excadrill wearing a similar chieftain's garb to what Team Elpis had seen on Féilim. They were the most eminent among the group of villagers, and everyone looked to her for leadership.

Inferring from this, the group were able to determine just who this Pokémon was.

"You would be Chief Eilidh of Dálriada, I presume?" Leonid asked.

"Aye, that's me." Eilidh's voice was deep and commanding. She stepped forward to meet the Selenians. "…So ye lot are the brammers the rí sent to me tír." She gave a mirthful chuckle. "Mus' got his own problems if he's takin' Sels tae cull his enemies."

"Hey!" Arian growled. "Don't look down on us Selenians! We're made of stronger stuff than you think!"

"Ha! Look at yon feisty wean!'' chuckled the Excadrill, leading to laughter amongst her fellow clansmon.

"Hm." Leonid's gaze narrowed. "As fun as this repartee may be for you, Chief Eilidh, we have business to attend to."

"Aw, canna we have a bit o' banter?" Eilidh requested. "Some wee words hurt no one!"

"No," Leonid denied. "Those 'wee words' can wait until after this business has been settled."

"Yer no fun." The Excadrill pouted. "...But ye're help. So please. Lend us a hand, will ye?" She then took another glance at the Bisharp. "Or a blade tae ye. D'ye bide as a berry chopper in aul' Breff at all? Take it here," she said, holding up one of her drill hands. "Cookers crave sharp hauns like ours! Ahahaha!"

More laughter from her fellow clansmon. Leonid's stolid expression remained unchanged.

"Are you finished?" he said, once the laughter died down.

"C'moan, have a laugh!" Eilidh tried to encourage. "Bein' a sourpuss'll put years on ye! Cannae be healthy bein' like that!" She pointed to Leonid's frown.

"...I was under the impression you wished for aid, Chief Eilidh." Leonid folded his arms, his eyes full of scorn. "This was an arrangement organised by Tánaiste Scáthach herself, that I would meet you here and we would discuss the current circumstances of your feud against Annwyn. But if ridiculing me and wasting my time is your opening salvo, then perhaps I should pay Annwyn a visit instead."

"Oi! Come off it, prionnsa! I was playin' with ya!" Eilidh protested. "Dinnae go to those Annie bastarts!" Her lips pursed in anger. "Nae after they killed a lotta folks in these parts, all tae steal th' wee scraps we have!"

An angry snarl had begun to form on Eilidh's face, a sudden change from her playful attitude seconds before. A shift in demeanour took place among her clansmon, and mixed looks of anger, jadedness, and sorrow came across their faces.

"So I have been told." Leonid crossed his arms. "And you claim the clansmon of Annwyn were the one to begin it all?"

"Och aye!" proclaimed the Excadrill. "Annie's been at us like fuckin' Ninjask, beatin' our folks, pillagin' us and makin' off with our food! Then our lot cannae eat, and that isnae anythin' good!"

Murmurs of agreement were muttered by Eilidh's fellow clansmon. Now that their attention was focused on them, Arian and Elvira noticed a fair amount of them looked scrawny. Even Eilidh herself didn't look as healthy as chieftains normally were - certainly not when compared with Féilim. A pit formed in their stomachs as they realised the reality of what they were looking at.

"Ye'd know it, widnae ye?" Eilidh said. "Sellie had quite a hunger in its old days, when those East wallapers sucked ye dry like a Leech Life. Surely ye can lend a hand or two?"

"...You are sincerely lucky the fate of my country rests on this, otherwise I would've turned you away in light of that earlier snub," Leonid huffed. "But no matter. Merely point to where these perpetrators are, and we'll snuff them out."

"The Cnoc Dearg Caves in yon hills." Eilidh pointed to the hills in the background. "Annie bastarts hole their arses in there, and use it tae attack th' folks in th' glens below! Tairbeart here was raided just a day ago!"

"Aye, we did!" a Dunsparce raged. "They tanned yon windows and stole our food! An' they killed Maighstir Teàrlach!"

"Dinnae forget they got our water!" A Vigoroth shook their fist. "There's uisge fuarain in yon caves an' we cannae get tae it 'cause those Annie bastarts are in there!"

"We cannae let this stand!" a black-furred Tauros proclaimed. "Can we, Maw?"

"No, we cannae, Fionnlagh!" Eilidh said. "That's why I'm here, to get 'em Annie shites oan their feet an' outta me tír!"

"Very well. We'll set forth on this matter without delay," Leonid said. "Annwyn will not know what hit them."

"Belter!" A grin spread across Eilidh's face. "Well, oan ye go. We winnae keep ye frae tearin' those Annie fucks' throats out!"

"We do not operate with such barbarism, Chief Eilidh," Yuliya politely chided. "But rest assured that we will help you in your plight."

"Good lassie. Now go ye oan!" The Excadrill pointed to the mines. "Th' Annies are sleekit bastarts. Get 'em intae a corner and sock it to 'em!"

"I presume you have our back in this matter?" Leonid pressed.

"'Course, aye!" Eilidh assured. "Ye'll be th' vanguard. Quick strikes tae 'em, an' then us lot'll follow."

"Hmm." Leonid's gaze narrowed, but he said no more on the matter. "Very well. As you wish." He turned in the other direction. "Carwyn! Yuliya! Arian! Elvira! You heard Chief Eilidh. So hop to it! Especially you two!" He directed this at Arian and Elvira.

"Y-Yes, of course, Your Highness!" Elvira stuttered.

"Sure thing, Your Highness." Arian's lips curled into a mild pout.

"Let us away, then." Without another word, Leonid began to walk towards the mountains, with his motley brigade of Selenians in tow.

Once they were gone, Eilidh let out a sigh.

"What a wee dafty," she muttered, before turning to one of the houses off to the left. "Ye can come out now, lassie."

There was the thump of a creaky wooden door opening, and out stepped a familiar Nidoqueen.

"Hmph," Ludmila huffed. "You could've pulled that off more convincingly."

"Och, I didnae ask," Eilidh fired back. "For Lando's sake, I asked ye fer help. Do ye wan' that when I'm banríon or what?"

"...I didn't say I wouldn't help," Ludmila replied. "But I'd be careful if I were you. You saw the Riolu and Treecko, didn't you?"

"Aye. Got een, all of us."

"They're tenacious. There's a reason Master Mitrofan has them among his most wanted," the marshal explained. "They may be small, but that's no reason to underestimate them. Mark my words - they're going to be a handful."

"Psh. They won' be sayin' that once we got 'em in a corner!" Eilidh punched her fists together, before turning to her clansmon. "When I give th' signal, we'll go after 'em intae yon caves."

"Of course, Chief!" Labhra obliged.

"Aye, Maw!" Fionnlagh said.

"Aye, Chief!" the other clansmon yelled.

Ludmila observed them all, inwardly shaking her head.

This is Metody's job. If only he wasn't such a judgemental ass…


"Ouch!" Arian winced as a sharp stone wedged itself between his paw pads. "Ow ow ow ow…"

"Arian!" Elvira quickly examined her partner's foot and removed the offending rock.

"Thanks, Elvira." Arian then looked with distaste at the particularly rocky road that lay ahead of them, heading into the Cnoc Dearg Hills. "Some road this is. Why haven't they maintained it?"

"Perhaps they do not have the resources," Yuliya suggested. "And with the supposed hunger in this region, maybe the clansmon simply do not have the energy to keep maintaining this rural, mountainous road."

"That's normally the case," A pointed out. "What, were you expecting something like the Príomhshráid in Breifne?"

"Some expectations you have," snarked W.

"Aren't you meant to resist this kind of thing?" R asked.

"H-Hey!" Arian protested. "I don't like walking barefoot on ground like this! That's all!"

This response drew blank looks from the rest of the group.

"...I beg your pardon?" Yuliya cocked her head, not sure if she'd heard correctly.

"Arian…everyone here is barefoot," Elvira pointed out.

"I-I know." The Riolu looked down, to hide his growing embarrassment. "Doesn't mean this ground is good."

"Of course not! But you don't see us complaining, private!" C said. "Have some backbone and march!"

"Whatever, General," Arian huffed in annoyance.

"That dissension I hear, private?!"

"Why do you care about me?! Stick to your own damn troop!"

"Silence!" Leonid bellowed, immediately shutting up C and Arian. "Do not speak to Carwyn in such a manner, you lowly mercenary! Fall in line and respect those above you!"

"The hell do you mean by 'above me'?" These words struck a nerve in Arian, and a low growl came from behind his gritted teeth.

"Now you realise it," Leonid said. "How have you not already, you fool?"

"Grrrr…!" Arian had half a mind to dash forward and sock the Selenian prince right across his face. However, a pleading look from Elvira held him back, and he curled his fists instead.

"Let's just keep going," he said.

"Exactly. Now move!" ordered Leonid.

Arian obeyed him. But the anger from the previous argument continued to cloud his conscience, and he kept his jaw clenched.

As he stewed in his irritation, not helped by the blazing hot temperatures, he recalled recent words from a certain Gabite.

"Honestly, I sometimes wonder if you even need the guy."

"Big question over whether this Leonid has what it takes. By what our Chief was saying, he sounds like he doesn't have it at all."

"Would you not just look for someone else at that point?"


As they began to climb into the hills, Arian looked at the prince in question, Enfys' words rolling around in his head.

…Should he really be the one to lead us? I'm beginning to question that myself.





The group travelled through more rocky and unstable ground. It was a tough trek, not helped at all by the blazing hot sun above them. The heat was especially oppressive today, and there wasn't any breeze to be felt.

"There is a saying in Alba for days such as this," Leonid remarked. "Scoilteadh na gcloch - meaning 'splitting the rocks' - which formulates how peaks like these hills are formed." He gestured to the rocky landscape around them. "Between the hot sun of the day and the stark cold of the night here in Alba, the rocks are faced with two forces of nature, and buckle under that duress, creating the landscape before us."

"You certainly know much, Your Highness," praised Yuliya.

"Hmm. Never did I think that geography knowledge from my tutors would be of use." Leonid gazed around at him. "Then again, I would hardly have anticipated I would be doing this."

"So we're looking for a set of caves, right?" Arian said.

"Precisely," Leonid said. "There are trails throughout the Cnoc Dearg Hills for clansmon in surrounding areas to collect springwater in the caves below this. Little water exists on the surface apart from oases, but there exists plenty of it underground. A godsend for parched areas like this away from the Istwyth."

They travelled a bit more, before C suddenly cried out.

"There! An entrance!"

Indeed, it was. Sighted far off was a gaping hole, like a cavity in the teeth-like mountains. The trail they were on led to it, weaving its way downwards down a rocky mountain path. There were signs of quarrying in the area around them, with straight cut ridges and piles of rock gathered in pits to their right.

As they got closer to the entrance, both Yuliya and Carwyn looked around them, eyes out for intruders. Arian found himself doing so as well, and when he looked back at the cave entrance, he tilted his head in confusion.

"That's weird," he said. "Shouldn't there be Annwyn clansmon there?"

"I would imagine so too. Perhaps they lay deeper in the cave," Yuliya suggested.

"Not a good sign if they are," C muttered. "On guard, privates!"

They soon reached the cave entrance. It was surprisingly large, and given the crumbly ground beneath them, it was evident that it had been dug out so larger Pokémon could travel into the cave's depths.

"Well, here we are." Leonid stared up at the cave mouth before them. "According to Eilidh, those Annwyn raiders have holed themselves up in here."

"I suppose they would launch raids from here into villages on the plains below," Elvira considered. "And if there's water in here, that would make sense as to why they're occupying these caves."

"Lives lay in the balance with these troglodytes in here," the Bisharp said, stepping into the cave. "Extricating such rebellious leeches from our conscience, that is our-"

"Your Highness, look out!"

Suddenly, two Klawf fell from the ceiling with a thud. They stood up quickly, claws clicking aggressively.

"Damnation!" Leonid hissed. "Barely a step in and already we've been ambushed."

"Yer not gettin' through here!" the first Klawf said. "This is our turf!"

"The people of Dálriada would beg to differ." Leonid stood his ground.

"Lying scum Dollies!" the other Klawf clicked. "You with them? Then you're our enemy!"

Without another word, he fired a barrage of rocks from his claws. Carwyn quickly moved to block the incoming Rock Blast.

"Everyone, engage!" Yuliya called, and she, along with Arian, Elvira, and Leonid, got into battle stances.

Arian, closest to the right Klawf, went after him, a Force Palm ready.

"Hi-yah!" He dived under a swipe of the crab's claw and socked him with an uppercut.

"Oof!" the second Klawf cried. "Little runt! Take this!" Metallic claws met Arian's face as the Riolu was shoved away.

But right after, a ball of green energy was slammed into the Klawf's face. Some of that returned to Elvira, who prepared another Giga Drain in her hands.

"Bah! Two little 'uns!" he growled, before conjuring a rock and throwing it at Elvira. The Treecko dodged out of the way in time, and fired her Giga Drain at the crab.

The Klawf reeled back, and before he could even process that attack, he suddenly found himself on the receiving end of a Shadow Claw, courtesy of Yuliya.

The Furret, with the help of some of Carwyn, had run rings around the other Klawf, who lay heavily beaten up and looking fearfully over at his partner.

"Crap, they're tough!" he said. "We gotta warn the others!" The two of them scurried away, deeper into the caves.

"Should I chase them, Your Highness?" Yuliya asked, ready to dash after the Klawf pair.

"No," Leonid said. "We need to stick together. Going off on your own would only be of greater risk to yourself."

"Understood." The Furret nodded.

"Now then. The Annwynites are in here." Leonid looked up at the cave mouth. "One wrong move could spell the end for all of us. Keep vigilant, for we could be ambushed at any moment. Especially you two!" He pointed to Team Elpis. "We don't need you giving us away."

"Oh, for the love of-" Arian began, but Elvira spoke before he could follow up.

"Of course, Your Highness," the Treecko obliged.

"At least one of you knows to be obedient," Leonid snarked. "Now come. We must resolve this matter posthaste."

The group took their first steps into the cave, Arian being the last one to do so.

As they made their way in, a figure from afar watched them through its lone eye. The quarried area held leftover piles of rock, which made for a good place to hide.

The eye belonged to a Sigilyph, who dipped his head behind the pile of rock.

"They have entered the caves," the Sigilyph said. "Would it be wise to make our move now, Your Grace?"

There was silence, before another voice spoke.

"No, Cichol. We bide our time here for now."

"...As you wish, Your Grace."


Arian and Elvira fully expected the Cnoc Dearg Caves to be a Mystery Dungeon. But to their surprise, it was merely a normal cave - nothing odd about it at all.

"Huh." Arian looked around them. "I was totally expecting this place to be a Dungeon."

"Same," Elvira said.

"Thank heavens it isn't," Yuliya replied. "That would only complicate matters all the greater if it was. Insurgents of this nature would use such an environment to their advantage."

"That they would," Leonid scoffed. "Gamaliel is to blame for that. Back in the days of the Famine, he used Mystery Dungeons to his advantage. They worked well for his guerrilla-style combat, and such skulduggery was his forte. But now every blasted insurgent copies the name of our noble hero, and dives into Mystery Dungeons like the rats they are. How irritating that our hero's tactics are being used and twisted for such inevitable failures."

"Hm." Arian's ears pricked in surprise. "Didn't think he'd be praising Gamaliel of all people," he whispered to Elvira.

"Gamaliel is a national hero," Elvira whispered back. "Even nobles respect him for what he did, even if he was a poor 'mon with a streak of immoral tactics."

"Enough whispering, mercenaries!" Leonid's sharp words brought the duo out of their conversation. "This cave is dark. I need a light!"

"Can you not see in the dark?" Arian asked. That had been one new ability he had gained as a Riolu, and it was one he was thankful for.

"No, I cannot," the Bisharp snapped. "Why else would I be asking? Do you have a luminous orb on you?"

"We do," Elvira mentioned, bringing the round orb out of the bag. She stepped forward, and smashed it. Bright light emerged from the orb that made everyone cover their eyes. When they let down their arms, they found the cave had been lit up, and the darkness from before had mostly vanished.

It was a far cry from the caves of darker stones back in Selenia, or even the calcite-ridden limestone caves in the Kartslands. It was comprised of rust-coloured rock, and small stalactites hung from the ceiling. Stalagmites protruded from the ground, and a number of stone pillars formed where the two met.

"Huh. Kinda pretty," Arian remarked.

"We are not here to sightsee, Arian," Leonid huffed. "This is the time to keep your wits about you. Don't you dare lose your attention over some rocks!"

"I won't!" the Riolu hissed.

"Both of you, enough!" Yuliya shushed. "The Annwynites could hear us if we argue too loudly. They could well be waiting to ambush us. You are right, Your Highness; we must be observant, and not lose focus for even one second."

The Furret took the initiative and scampered forward, scouting ahead for any Annwyn clansmon hiding out in the caves.

"Get to the back," ordered Leonid. "Y, N, keep an eye on them."

"Yes, Your Highness!" the two Falinks obliged.

No conversation was had for the next while as the group trudged their way through the caves. The group's footsteps echoing off the cave walls being the only accompaniment to fill the gap in conversation.

Arian, however, could feel the gazes of the two Falinks on him, and couldn't help but grit his teeth. For fuck's sake, he thought. We're not going to stab him in the back! We already told him this! And yet still he insists on having his men watch us. He curled his fists.

It's for Selenia. It's for Selenia. The Riolu reminded himself of this, and let out a sigh. Thoughts like this wouldn't help him, not when they needed to cooperate. Focus on the mission at hand, and save bickering for after this is over.

The path through the caves was well-worn, and had the prints of many Pokémon of all different shapes and sizes, along with their respective scents. The tunnels carved through the caves were low-hanging, and Leonid had to stoop to get through some passages. For once, Arian found himself thankful for his short height.

Still kinda wish I wasn't a half-pint, he thought. Maybe I should try and see if I can evolve. How do Riolu evolve? Something about bonds? I'll need to check that again.

He broke off from those thoughts as the group happened across an intriguing sight. They had reached a point where the path suddenly widened out towards the cave's centre. It looked almost like…

"A riverbed?" Elvira said. "It looks…dried out."

"Quite likely," Yuliya surmised. "It shows all of the signs of it. The ground appears dry though, so…perhaps there was an ancient river that flowed through these caves."

"Those clansmon mentioned there was a spring here, didn't they?" Arian said, recalling the conversation back in Tairbeart. "I can't imagine there'd be much water to share around these parts."

"No, indeed." For once, Leonid was in agreement with him. "Desperation is what makes the distinction of morality blur, and for some, they would do anything if it meant saving their own skin. Even if it means depriving whole villages of their sole source of water." His face was grim. "We must rectify this at once."

They continued walking along the dried riverbed. The amount of footprints were the same as they were earlier in the cave, and the scents from before still remained. Arian and Yuliya, however noticed one major change - the footprints seemed fresher.

"We're getting closer to our target," the Furret said, as the group walked to an open part of the cave. "It shouldn't be long before—"

"Fire!"

Without warning, a blast of fire suddenly erupted from the darkness. It was far enough away that Yuliya and Carwyn saw it coming, and the former moved to take the hit for the latter.

"Urgh!" she cried, feeling the flames lick her fur.

"Yuliya!" Leonid cried. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Yuliya felt the now bare patch of fur on her midsection.

"We're under attack!" C declared. "Action stations, soldiers! Protect His Highness!"

"Sir, yes, sir!" the rest of the Falinks yelled in unison, moving into formation around the Bisharp.

"Damn!" cursed Arian. "They got the drop on us!" He scanned the cave around them, finding it to be full of small knolls and burrows. Many Pokémon were lying in wait there, eyes piercing through the knolls, locked onto their foe. "They must've been waiting to ambush us!"

"Go at them!" called a gruff voice. "Those Dollie bastards won't take this spot!"

"We're not Dálriada!" Arian yelled back.

"Lies!" the same voice shouted. "C'mon, men! Show 'em Dollies what we're made of!"

"Yes, sir!"

The Selenians suddenly found a variety of projectiles being fired their way, with rocks, sand, and fire being the most prevalent among them. Carwyn moved quickly to block any Rock Blasts that came Leonid's way. Unfortunately, they couldn't defend everyone.

"Ow!" Elvira cried as a Flame Burst struck her.

"Elvira!" Arian's face morphed to worry, and then anger. He reached into the team's bag, taking out a blast seed.

"Take this!" he yelled in fury, throwing it at one of the areas where the flames had come from. The blast lit up the cave more, and several cries of pain sounded from the enemy clansmon.

Arian ran forward, his teeth bared in anger and his fists brandished. He felt a tingling feeling, and he looked down, seeing sparks dance at his paws. Now's as good a time as any to give these moves a test run, he thought, running forward and slamming his electrified fist into his nearest opponent - a Minior - which was thrown into a wall. The starry Rock-type hovered in place, dazed from the Thunder Punch.

"Arian!" Elvira's voice called from behind him, and the familiar light of a Giga Drain struck a stone Yamask nearby.

"Gah! Who the bloody hell are you?" the ghost cried, startled. "You're not Dollies!"

"No, we're not," Elvira said. "But we can't let you continue to occupy these caves and deprive Dálriada of water!"

"They started it!" the Yamask hissed. "They raided us first! They-"

They were interrupted by a punch from Arian. The bone-chilling Ice Punch knocked the stone Yamask into the wall, and they slid to the ground, unconscious.

"We're not done yet!" Arian ran back towards the Minior and leapt up into the air. Sparks danced around his fist as he slammed it into the ground from above. The Thunder Punch did them in, and the Minior fell unconscious, just like their Yamask partner.

"Right, that's them done. Come on, Elvira!" Arian punched his paws together. "Let's help the rest of them out!" He then immediately ran off.

"Arian, wait!" Elvira called, chasing after him.

The Riolu didn't pay attention to his partner, instead focusing on the enemies in front of him. The cave had become awash with sand, almost like a mini sandstorm, and the sounds of combat filled the air. There was also fire, and in its light, a familiar Furret and six Falinks clashed with Annwynite clansmon. However, Arian also saw something he wasn't expecting.

"Fools!" Leonid's commanding voice echoed through the cave. "Underestimate me and perish!" He dashed forward, slashing at his Heatmor opponent.

"Yaaagh!" To Arian's shock, it actually did a number on the anteater. "Who the 'ell is this brute?! This is that twywysog brat?!"

"The very same!" Leonid's blades lit up, and he unleashed a duo of diagonal slashes on his opponent. The Heatmor cried out in pain, before falling to the ground in defeat.

"Wow…" Arian couldn't help but be impressed. So he won't sit back and force us to do all the work. That's pretty ni-

"Arian, look out!"

Unfortunately, Elvira's cry couldn't save the distracted Riolu from an incoming gout of fire, which struck him square in the side.

"Argh!" Arian hissed, feeling the fire burn at his hip. "Ow ow ow ow ow!"

"Serves ya right!" A Magmar came forward, his beak aglow with flame. "This is our turf! Bloody Dollies tryin' ta take what's ours!"

He spat another Flame Burst at Arian, the Riolu quickly rolling out of the way. However, he couldn't escape the small embers that stung him in the aftermath.

"Don't hurt my partner!" Elvira yelled, running at the Magmar and lunging at him, colliding with him in an attempt to knock him down. Alas, it was no good; the Annwynite simply batted her away with his fist, coated with fire.

"Nrgh!" Elvira winced as she fell to the ground. "It burns…"

"Elvira, stay back!" Arian looked at his partner, realising she was at a disadvantage in this scenario. "I'll handle him!"

"Stupid mutt," growled the Magmar. "They don't call me Firebird Culhwch for nothing! Take this!" He coated his fist in fire and prepared to strike. Arian readied his own Thunder Punch, and their fists collided in a combination of fire and lightning

Arian quickly found Culhwch to be physically stronger than him. But then he remembered the fight with Yannick back in Mumhain. Quickly, he swung and delivered a kick to the Magmar's stomach.

"Urgh!" Culhwch had no time to react before Arian slammed an uppercut into his jaw, knocking him back. The Riolu didn't let up, taking advantage of his opponent's daze to slam another Force Palm into his chest.

"Argh! You little shit!" Culhwch was livid. "Men! Kill that Riolu now!"

"Sure thing!" a nearby Boldore said, readying an attack. It wasn't just the Boldore; at least five other clansmon had attacks readied, and Arian could sense the heat and sand from behind him as they prepared to strike.

Crap! In his haste to chase after Culhwch, Arian hadn't realised he had placed himself directly in the line of fire of every mon in the ambush. He prepared to find a way to dodge, but …

"Argh!"

"Yeow!"

"The fuck?!"

"Little blighters!"

"Damn you!"

He didn't need to dodge. Six Falinks struck six of the Annwynite clansmon right before they fired their respective attacks. Several of the attacks missed their mark, while others were forced to swallow their fire, coughing heavily in the process.

That was all the rest of the group needed. Leonid leapt in, a flurry of Night Slashes cutting into his opponent. Yuliya was similarly slashing at surrounding clansmon with Fury Swipes. Elvira jumped in, firing a Giga Drain at the Boldore and regaining some of her energy. Carwyn regained formation, before splitting into two legions of three and rushing two other clansmon.

I gotta help them! Arian ran into the fray, a Force Palm readied, before slamming it into a nearby Houndour. The dog yelped in pain, and had no time to react before the Riolu struck him with a Thunder Punch, causing him to lay on his side in pain.

Culhwch looked upon the scene with alarm. Gone was the determined bravado he confronted Arian with; now fear took its place.

"Shit, this is bad!" he cursed. "Alert the Chief! We got some tough folks in here, and they're not your average Dollie!"

"Yes, sir!" A Wattrel quickly flew off deeper into the cave, before the Magmar ran after them.

"Wow. So much for Firebird Whoever." Arian smirked at the sight.

"The Chief?" Elvira was more interested in what the runaway Magmar had said. "The Chief of Annwyn?"

"Plainly," Leonid scoffed. "Who else could it be? Annwyn has no allies to call upon at this juncture."

"I wouldn't have thought the Chief of Annwyn would be here of all places," Elvira said, slightly hurt at Leonid's scoffing remark.

"Well, good thing he is! Now we can uproot this matter at the heart!" the Bisharp declared. "After them!" He pointed in the direction Culhwch and the Wattrel had gone.

"Yes, Master Dubhrua!" Carwyn quickly assembled back in position and began to sprint on their stubby legs. Leonid made more elegant strides, his tattered cape flapping as he ran. Yuliya ran forward as the vanguard, while Arian and Elvira brought up the rear guard.

A thought suddenly occurred to Elvira.

"Wait!" she cried. "Shouldn't we be more careful? We could be ambushed again!"

"And miss out on the chance to dispose of this rebellious filth?" Leonid was in disbelief. "Absolutely not! This is the time to strike! I will not tolerate any baulking from either of you! If you wish to die as fools, then be my guest!"

Elvira didn't argue back. But Arian suppressed a snarl as the group headed deeper in.

There he goes again! What an ass. He makes our enemies look like saints. If only I could punch his stupid face in…!

"Stop!" the Riolu growled to himself. I can't keep thinking this. He's an ally, he's an ally, he's an ally, he's an—

"It would appear we have arrived at the spring."

Yuliya said this as the group came to an area where the cave opened up into a big ceiling. Stalactites of varying different sizes hung from the ceiling, including a huge stalactite, its massive size causing the Selenians to stop and gaze at it in wonder. The cave's colouration had also changed to a darker bluish hue, a stark difference from the rusty red they had seen thus far.

Leonid looked below, and his expression turned grim.

"Look at that." He pointed his right blade downwards, and the rest of his allies looked down to see that the floor below them was swarmed with various Annwyn clansmon. One of them from earlier, Culhwch the Magmar, was talking to a Cradily.

The group had thought they were hidden from sight, and thus did not expect what would happen next.

"Come on, Sels! Come down and fight like proper 'mons do!" the Cradily suddenly yelled, making most of the group jump out of their skin.

"Eep!" cried N. "Wh-What do we do, Your Highness?"

"Quite simple," the prince said. "He wants a fight? Then that's exactly what he'll get." Before anyone could argue otherwise, he got up and made his way down the path towards the chief of Annwyn.

"The fuck's he doing? He'll get us all killed!" Arian muttered in annoyance, before running after the prince.

"Arian…" Elvira followed her partner, her face dotted with concern.

His compatriots followed him, Carwyn surrounding him as before and Yuliya leading the vanguard.

They reached the bottom, where a spring of water lay. The riverbed they had been walking on earlier had led to it, and it looked frighteningy dry. Not much water remained behind it.

In front of the spring lay Pokémon of various different shapes and sizes, including Culhwch from before. Prominent among them was that same Cradily, draped in a similar fancy clothing to Eilidh's. It didn't take much deduction from the Selenians to figure out who this was.

"Well now…ain't this a sight? I'd never imagine you of all folks would show up here of all places. Prince Leonid of Selenia, eh?"

"Indeed, it is I," Leonid said. "I would say it would be a pleasure to meet you. But Uther Brynmor ap Eigyr, chieftain of Annwyn…today, my comrades and I have come to put you down."





Notes

Tairbeart is the Scots Gaelic name for Tarbet, a village in Argyll and Bute, Scotland.

Cnoc Dearg translates to 'red hill' in Irish.

Also, many thanks to Owry and StarFalcon555 for beta reading this chapter.


Glossary

Cúpla cairde - 'couple of friends' in Irish.

Smacht - 'control' or 'discipline' in Irish. In this case, putting smacht on someone means bringing them under control.

Prionnsa - 'prince' in Scots Gaelic.

Uisge fuarain - 'spring water' in Scots Gaelic

Príomhshráid - 'Main Street' in Irish.

Twywysog - 'prince' in Welsh.
 

Navar

Professional Mudkip Lover
Location
Brazil
Pronouns
He/Him
Partners
  1. swampert
  2. chesnaught-apron
  3. lucario-mega
Chapter 24

It's been a while since I binge read this story! Almost forgot that they're in a place that values strength above everything else... and despite the constant complaints about how they act, the gang is surprisingly good at this. Keeping up with monsters(in terms of strength) is no easy feat, I'm sure of it. And on another note, this system is surprisingly good, I think? That anyone can rise through the ranks if they can fight. Granted, not everyone has the power to do that, so even if the system allows them to, I doubt it happens very often. There's probably some cases here and there, but I'm imagining it's kinda rare.

That being said, Arian and Elvira kinda didn't do it. They're out of their league here, but that's not really a problem, they just need to get stronger! Though that particular part might be an issue, I'm not sure how fast they can improve, or how much. And due to all of this, Arian's feeling down. and I'm picturing him with droopy ears, like an actual dog. Meaning I'd like to pet him. If there's anyone he should confide in, though, it's Elvira. She's his partner and they need to trust each other for the team to work. Not that they had the time to chat, since the people they're following are kinda impatient. For their own good though, I can't imagine how hot it must be in the day(almost as much as my godforsaken country, if I were to guess).

On the bright side they managed to get into the city without melting alive, so it's a win. Though the Selenians aren't exactly well-treated here. Fantastical prejudice, I think? In any case, they will have to, once again, prove themselves before doing anything on that place. And how rude of them to not even give the guys some cloaks in this weather. Better late than never? Depends if the Selenians are melted or not. Not this time.

Even for Albians, living without a source of water must be awful. So, another comment once they got to the chief. Scrafty! How cool, I love Scrafty, it's such a cool mon. And, uh, a reptile(I think) so living in the freezing cold of the night must be awful for him too. He also seems to be humble, so I like him already. And awww, Yannick is adorable(and handsome but I'm not here to talk about that) enough to give them all the money. Cool, but I don't think this is a good business practice. Still, I'm glad he did it.

Oh boy, Yannick wants to talk to Arian alone. How scandalous. But it's nothing bad, in fact he was looking out for the little guy. He's such a cool guy... I now understand Turkey's feelings. In any case, I should probably mention that while the ranking system only gets a handful of mentions, it's still nice to have it around. Oh, and both Yannick and the chief noticed something strange about Arian. Oooooh, mysterious.

More talk, and eventually there's the implication that Yannick doesn't have parents... orphan or just never met them. Just like Arian seems to be. Though someone having a rough childhood in Alba doesn't sound too out of the picture. Hello, I would also like to be lifted in Yannick's strong arms... no wonder he has simps. He's a handsome derg. I mean what.

Arian is forced into the fight. I imagine this is Yannick's plan on making him stop moping around, and... not a very good plan, but maybe it is in Alba? But in any case, despite having some trouble with it, Arian won in the end. Yaaaay! Arian also seems to be realizing his true potential.

Chapter 25

Wouldn't be a PMD fic without the main character having some kind of freaky dream space. One that doesn't say much. And poor Arian left it before anything could actually come of it. Talk about bad luck.

So Elvira woke him up, because she was worried. Cute. Something I wanna add is that, since last chapter you already mentioned that the climate is the way it is, repeating it here doesn't feel that necessary? I don't know, it could be just me. But hey, I figured I should tell you anyway. Not like anyone in-universe can do anything about this kinda weather. Though I wonder where are all the gods. Eh, I'm sure I'll find the answer to that question eventually.

And like I thought during the last chapter, Arian needs to talk to Elvira about what's bothering him. Good, good, you gotta love communication. It's the basis of all relationships. I wonder if whoever he's sensing is following them, or if it's like, a mental projection or something. Once again Team Elpis receives money. Who knew beating up someone's daughter would be the way to getting paid? And I just realized this sounds awful out of context, but I'm keeping it. Arian once more sees something. Maybe he should get his vision checked(the mental image of him wearing glasses is kinda cute).

The travel wasn't that bad. Apart from Yannick getting worked up. Him not being all about strength and power is neat, not something I was expecting to see from a Hakamo-o, let alone one coming from where he does. There's also a mention of a tournament... I get it. People are desperate for change and they think becoming chief is how they achieve that. They might be right, but they're also not going in with only good intentions. It's a complicated mess of politics. Y'know, I didn't think they'd have this kinds of problems, but wow, they do. But if the chief's the same, then nobody beat him in a fight, which means... he must be incredibly strong. Again, very humble too. And nobody from Alba would thiink they're anything except for savages.

Yannick's a big eater, oh my god why is he so... urgh. My simpness is overtaking me. Ahem. Now they're actually finding team Sandbreaker's chief. And Arian didn't sleep at all! He must be so exhausted, and that dream only made things worse. He should take a break, but I doubt there's time for that.

Finally in the guild, and that also means... Arian has to fight someone. Again. I can see he's not enjoying this all that much. He got worked up so easily, too... but a fight is a fight. I'm not gonna comment on it. The remaining bits just have some banter and interactions, but I'll at least mention that... Yannick my beloved, you should eat as much as you can. And another cool woman fighter. That's nice.

Lastly, they finally meet the chief! Stern? An elephant? How cool! I'll find out more in the next chapter.

Chapter 26


Hm, Trahaern wasn't as stern as I thought he'd be. My first opinion of him was that he was gonna deny their request right away and just ask them to leave. Instead he's more talkative, explaining about the prince, saying his opinions on Mitrofan, all that. Neat, but at the same time, his opinion on the prince isn't all that good. But at the same time I get it. I haven't seen the prince yet, but I can believe that he's naive and wants things done his way. And to top it off, he wasn't strong enough. Because strength is necessary for a deal with the Albians. Right, I get that. He could grow stronger, but then he went in over his head. Recklessness, wanting things done his way... he's a prince alright.

Two conflicting ideologies here! Somehow the politics feel nice to read. Anyway, arguing about needing or not needing a prince. It's a little complicated, because I don't think either side is right. Though, to be honest, Mitrofan isn't the kind of leader needed in Selenia, pretty far from it. Imagine if Arian go to lead at one point. That'd be funny, but also kind of fit him? In any case, it'd be hard to find the prince if he's missing for such a long time. Honestly, after all this time searching for him, not finding him is kind of a blow to their morale. And it doesn't seem like they'll be getting much help. Though, I wanna see Cathbad. They seem nice.

Not unexpected, but it does suck that they didn't help at all. And it took them the whole day just to get there, so everyone must be really tired.

So after sleeping they go train! I think it's a good course of action, apart from trying to find the prince. Elvira didn't do as bad as I thought, but at the same time she could be better. She is training with a platinum-rank team, so obviously they're gonna be a lot stronger than them. That's why they should keep training.

Arian's not doing much better. Of course Yannick is the one to fight him, so he can pressure and make that power appear. Also... calling Arian cute, hm? I'm sure that doesn't mean anything. Oh boy, I sure don't feel anything after reading Yannick flex his biceps. God he's so handsome. Well, that's another chapter done.

Chapter 27

Okay, it's funny how Yannick has two potential girlfriends. Look, just saying that he could solve everything by entering a poly... but eh, that's not happening I think. Still funny though, but also, smh smh it should've been me, not her. Though I wonder if he's aware that Enfy's jealous and everything, or... actually I'm sure he knows how hot he is, he's probably aware. In any case, reading bickering between them isn't fun, so I'm glad they're not including her on the mission. And they have a plan to find the prince! I wonder how he'll be once I actually meet him for the first time. Discord comments don't make me have a pretty good opinion of him. And the search could just end up being pointless. I do wonder what they'll do if it turns out to be that case, or if the prince doesn't help.

So now the scene is with just Yuliya. Good to take some time off of the main characters, and besides, she did offer to split up. Compared to Arian she's more aware of how the world works, but even so, it's a sad experience to see the drought affecting Alba that much. Oh, and what a mysterious bunch of Falinks that happened to run into her. I'm sure they won't be relevant. And Cathbad isn't there, unfortunately. They're... elsewhere, just when Yuliya needed them. Well, bad luck it is. Maybe the others will have a better time.

Okay the Kecleon thing caught me off guard but it was really funny to read. I wasn't expecting an explanation but heh, I liked it. It makes little to no sense, which only makes it even better. And they have a good memory... oh, Elvira knows about this thing of multiple Kecleon brothers. I mean, yeah, of course she does. Must've been funny to see it from her perspective. Again, Arian sees someone that's been following them. And wow, he was cranky for a whole bunch of chapters, so of course, he wants to go after the figure. Not sure that's such a good idea.

He does so anyway, and wow, maybe it was a good idea because he eventually finds the figure. And they're still really mysterious. It was an Absol! Now it all makes sense, disaster was all around wherever Arian went, so an Absol fits really well. Still, the use of they/them pronouns... might be Cathbad. They explain a bunch of things about fate, which sounds so cryptic it's kinda hilarious. But I kinda get what they're going for. And they also know he's a human, dun dun duuuuun. This Absol was helpful, for once, and I do think they're Cathbad since they went as far as not saying their name.

The cryptic message is, well, cryptic. I've got no idea. But for someone from Alba, it makes a lot more sense. See, they needed help in order to solve the message. Cool.

So they find the Falinks again. Like I said, totally not relevant. Said Falinks wanted to fight, or just their leader. But it didn't end up in a fight this time, which means it's progress. And the real plot twist... is that the master is Leonid. Hell yeah he's finally here!

Chapter 28

Ah, that's such a cool art, as always Way just pulls out the best art possible. On to the chapter.

Here we go, finally, seeing Leonid, after chapters of building up to him, talking about him, and the way they found him was a little convoluted but I actually like it. Feels rewarding to have them finally meet him. Aaaaand... he's kind of a dick. Like, really, his first interaction with the people that have been running around the planet is to call Melchior's guild a bunch of traitors. So, with that in mind... I know he wants to overthrow Mitrofan(which everyone should want), I kinda see why the Albans didn't think he was worth having as a king. The only good thing he did was call Mitrofan a monster.

And the conversation got heated really fast, wow. Both make good points, but I have to say something: Arian's kinda in the right. Not for being disrespectful, but because Leonid was so much of a dick that he's also burning bridges, but before Arian started doing that. Leonid is kind of a mess. On the bright side, they both realized that(with help from Falinks). Despite that, the alliance they seem to have is kind of unstable, and I wonder how long it'll last. The wishful thinking wants ti to be for a while, but eh, who knows.

Wow, they actually convinced him to try talking with Trahaern. Really, that's surprising, because Leonid himself doesn't look like he goes around asking for forgiveness. And oh, there's a reason behind his name change. Hiding out because of his status makes sense. But really, as far as first impressions go, this one wasn't great. Hopefully, things will change in the future. He kinda needs to get a reality check, but considering the thing with Trahaern, I doubt he'll get one of those anytime soon. That being said, they finally found him, so that's one objective fulfilled.

They really don't like Leonid, huh? Wouldn't blame them. Now that I think about it, he kinda spat on their beliefs, so no wonder they don't want him around. And honestly it feels like a stroke of luck that she happened to be around to tell them he could join. As for Arian during this bit... I can imagine he must be fuming inside. He should destroy the monarchy at one point. Just saying, I guess. I was trying to be funny.

Ahem, they're meeting at a dinner. If there's any neutral ground for them to talk, it has to be there. And Leonid met with Cathbad, who apparently likes being cryptic and mysterious... oh wow, I wonder where I saw that before. So, obviously, Trahaern isn't Leonid's biggest fan, and he actually says something really important. Considering I've only met him for this chapter, he doesn't sound like a good leader. With this, things get heated yet again. His only option is to help them with a revolt. Good, maybe it'll teach him some humilty. Not that Arian likes this mission. He has every reason not to like it.

Small scene with Yuliya and Leonid. Well, he was pretty beaten up, but glad he's okay.

The last scene is intriguing, someone's looking for Arian and Elvira. Heh, we'll see how this goes.

Chapter 29

God, I'd hate waking up before the sun rose. It'd be even worse to wake up somewhere that's too hot. Anyway, chapter. Not much to say, but Leonid is still kind of a dick. I was expecting worse from him, to be honest, but still, it feels like he's trying to find stuff to complain about, seriously. The plan is to meet with a rebel, and... there's a good point in knowing if they can be trusted. The answer seems to be yes, but wow, I doubt anyone could convince Leonid he's not gonna be betrayed. I'm sure this quirk of his will eventually lead to his downfall. The only reason I don't think he's gonna sell them out is that he hates Mitrofan too much to do that.

They have a plan, and a seeeeecret plan that they won't tell Leonid, which is kinda funny. I love seeing him not get things his way. But despite this, Arian's kinda getting in way over his head about this. Like, I get that he's not happy about it, but he should at least try to mask it. Granted, it's realistic that he's got issues about it. It's also probably a shock considering that he was likely expecting someone else. These Aerodactyl are kinda funny, it's a neat little scene. Well, it's amusing to see Leonid acting like himself. Even if himself is a prick. Someone called Arian cute again. Awww, he's a cute little puppy, he sure is. Sabrina is kinda funny when she's not thirsting for Yannick(even though I would also do that). Thankfully, everything went well. So far anyway.

Okay, cool, now Arian can punch better. I think the best part of this and the last chapter is just Arian and Leonid being annoyed at each other. That's so amusing to read. They're so pissed off! And that's a little after Elvira said he should stop trying to yell at the prince. Although, it's kinda ironic that Leonid is against being a defeatist, when he was hiding around in the city. Really, it's an interesting quirk to him. Still good so far.

Uh... a little hard to read this Excadrill, but I think I follow what she's saying, give or take. The obvious one is that she takes no shit, even from a prince. The second thing is that she wants help. Oh, and a Metody mention. That dick... little later, and Arian is again trying to get on Leonid's nerves. This guy has such a high opinion of himself... for obvious reasons, but I still hate it. He's still simpable though.

And they go into the caves. Thing got hectic, and again there's some mysterious forces lurking in the corner... cool. Not like they can spend much time there without getting attacked, which is also kind of ridiculous. Buuut they're in a dangerous mission so it's to be expected. I'm not going into deep details on the fight, with so much going on, but I like it.

But hey, in the end, Leonid meets a familiar face. Cradily's cool. And that's a wrap for the chapters. Thanks for writing, Aru!
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, it’s been a while, but I figured that I’d drop in for a dash of reading of Dual Wills since I do have a bit more time to kill today, which is well-suited for chunkier fare like this story. Last time, we left off with trouble looming over the horizon for Elvira courtesy of the Thorned Roses, let’s jump in this time and see how long it takes for the other shoe to drop:

Chapter 8

The next morning…

Oh huh, you also do that thing that apes the “text on screen” segues that the games sometimes do. Not sure how I didn’t notice that earlier in this story.

"Hmm…this is harder than I thought it would be…"

Arian and Elvira were currently in the kitchen brainstorming. They'd just finished having breakfast, but remained at the table with a piece of paper and pencil, with a number of words written and crossed out.

This was a matter that had come up yesterday afternoon, when they returned from Cyan Cove.

They’re struggling to try and come up with a name right now, aren’t they? :V

Yesterday afternoon…

"Great work, you two," praised Vardan, looking at the pearls laid out on the kitchen table. "I knew I entrusted the task to the right people. As promised, here's your payment." He dug 100P out of his satchel, and handed it to them.

Arian + Elvira:
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"Thanks, Vardan," Elvira said, before another thought came to her.

"Flora said you were having money troubles. Is it really okay to be giving us money like this? We can accept payment in other forms, if that's what you'd prefer," she added, recalling the nanab bread they'd received from Rosa.


"No no, it's fine," insisted the Lurantis. "Those rents are sky high and unaffordable anyway. I'd far rather give what money we have to you than those nasty brutes."

… Isn’t that all the more reason to not pay in cash? Unless if the idea is that Vardan is deliberately stiffing the Thorned Roses on “rent” payment in spite of the obvious dangers involved…
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"Well, if you say so…" the Treecko replied, taking the money and filing it away in their mercenary's bag.

[ ]

"A rather intrepid duo you are. I'll remember you for the future, Team…" At that point, Vardan paused. "Hm. I never asked. What is your official team name?"

Yeah, I knew it. Though I would suggest dropping in a bit more description regarding Vardan’s reaction or something small like that, since thus far, this scene has had very little that wasn’t dialogue.

"Team name?" Arian cocked his head in puzzlement.

"Oh, um…we don't have one," Elvira confessed.

"Do you not?" The Lurantis was surprised to hear this. "I thought that was one of the first things a merc team came up with, no?"

Arian: “Wait, but does that even make sense when we’re trying not to attract attention from the Thorned Roses or Mitrofan’s knights at the moment?”
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"Well, we're not really official," Arian reasoned. "So we haven't really been asked for a name."

"We haven't even thought of one, actually." Elvira seemed disappointed at this. "We should've done that by now. How did I forget?"

"How'd you forget?" Flora said. "That's, like, one of the most important things about forming a mercenary team! You always told us that when we were kids!"

I… actually didn’t even realize that Flora was supposed to be here in this scene. It might have made sense to put in some description at the very beginning setting the scene for what’s going on.

"I don't know!" Elvira cried. "I don't know how I forgot!"

"Elvira, it's alright," urged Arian. "It's just a name. It's nothing to get worked up over."

"Quite right," agreed Zenobia. "Doing good work as a mercenary is far more important than a team name."

Wait, Zenobia’s here, too? With her leg? Is the idea that these are supposed to be multiple moments that are blurring together in Arian/Elvira’s memory or something like that? Since I admittedly did a bit of a double-take at this.

"We could come up with something now," suggested Arian. "Better late than never, right?"

"I suppose," Elvira mumbled.

"Don't worry about it, Elvira," Vardan said. "You did well today, and that's what matters. And listen here, you two. There's something I'd like to say."


"What is it?" Arian asked.

It’s going to be a “thank you for being there for me” or something like that, isn’t it?

"I'm no merc, but…I think you two should be your own team. Don't necessarily be a second Team Marshwood. Become a great team in your own right. That's what I think."

[ ]

"Succeed in our own way…" Elvira repeated.

Another spot where you should probably consider dropping in a bit of a pause for description, since this feels like something that Elvira would stop and ruminate over or something.

"That's a good idea," Arian agreed. "We should develop our own style to make us unique. Of course, it's good to follow in the footsteps of your dad, Elvira, but maybe not the whole way. If you know what I'm saying."

[ ]

"I do, Arian. And I agree. Dad's said the same thing to me before, about being my own person and not riding on his coattails."
"Indeed. That sounds like your father, alright," Zenobia seconded, before turning to Vardan. "That's a sound piece of advice, Vardan. Thank you very much for that."

At least one of these two gaps between paragraphs feels like it should have some description slotted in. Though now that I’m thinking about it… why is this sequence being handled as a flashback, anyways? Since picking up on delivering Vardan’s pearl and getting prompted to “hey, you should pick a name” actually would’ve worked pretty well being rendered in the “present day”.

"It was no problem," Vardan replied. "Now then. I should probably be getting home."

"Oh? Will you not stay for dinner?" the Heliolisk offered.

"I'd love to, but I'd like to get home to Diantha," the Lurantis turned down. "I appreciate the offer. But I don't want to worry her."

Oh, I guess the idea is that Vardan came by Elvira’s place to collect that pearl. I suppose that makes sense given that Mercenaries have technically been outlawed in Selenia and it’d be much easier to pass this off as a personal visit.

"I understand. We won't keep you any longer then."

[ ]

"Well, I guess I'll be off," Flora said.

"Take care, Flora," Elvira replied.

[ ]

"Yeah, you too, Elvira. ...Oh, and come up with a team name. Hopefully not an embarrassing one."

"We'll think it over, don't you worry."

IMO, it would make sense to describe Vardan and Flora actually heading for the door here, since again. Lotsa dialogue in an unbroken chain, and it’d help with sketching a mental image for your readers.

"Good. Well, come on then, Dad," the Petilil demanded, slightly impatiently. "Are we going or not?"

"We are, we are. Take care, all of you." And with that, the Grass-type duo left.

"Right," Elvira said, once they had heard the front door close. "Team names…"

Regardless of whether or not you opt to keep the flashback format or convert this into the chapter’s first scene, I… actually wonder whether or not these three paragraphs are superfluous, since Flora admonishing Elvira to not pick a sucky team name plus her insisting that they’ll think it over feels like a decent enough ending note before showing them doing just that.

The rest of that afternoon had been spent brainstorming team names. But it was more difficult than they imagined. Plus, they had to find a name that they both agreed on, as opposed to Arian's name, where the only agreement he had to have was with himself.

Elvira: “I mean, we could do ‘Team Elvira’, just saying-” ^^;
Arian: “Look, Elvira, if I don’t get to have the team named after me, it’s only fair that’s a two-way street…”
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Elvira: “... We could name it after mom, then? Since at least that way it’s even…
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Not even inspiration using the same method from before helped them decide on a name. Zenobia, like before, had picked out a book of notable mercenary teams in Ardalion's history to inspire the two to come up with a name. However, in the wish to be unique, Elvira pointed out that their name probably shouldn't be a shameless copy of a team that had come before them.

7ef.jpg


Semantic renames. That way, you can get your “inspired by” name without it being immediately obvious.

Studying the names of various teams, though, did provide some ideas as to how to decide on a name. Many teams seemed to take into account aspects of each other, and then create a portmanteau based on their own characteristics. This was the case with Team Marshwood, Kallias's team; 'Marsh' signified Melchior, a Swampert, while 'Wood' signified his own Grass-type heritage.

Arian: “So… ‘Team Ironwood’, then?”
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Elvira: “Don’t you only gain Steel-typing after you evolve, Arian? And that still feels to samey to the name of dad’s team…” -_-;

Beyond that, there were teams that named themselves based on things they shared in common, like colour schemes, looks, personalities, or even types. Among the team names which they saw following this trend were Team Cerulean, an Azumarill and Dragonair duo, Team Hellhound, a trio consisting of a Houndoom, a Boltund, and a Lycanroc, and Team Fairy, a group made up of a Clefable, Mawile and Granbull. ("It's a bit uncreative, naming themselves only after their own type," Arian had commented regarding the last one.)

Elvira: “Er… all of these are not particularly creative names, just saying.”
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Arian: “I dunno, I thought ‘Team Hellhound’ wasn’t bad, at least.”

Some went by acronyms of each team member. However, Arian turned down the suggestion of Team A&E by Zenobia, feeling as though the initials 'A&E' somehow implied something not nice-sounding to him, at least. Also, he pointed out that acronyms could potentially be warped by more mean-spirited Pokémon into something different. Elvira saw his point, and acquiesced. They debated options for the rest of the day, before eventually tiredness encroached and the mercenary duo decided to retire for the evening.

I feel as if there’s some sort of innuendo joke here that’s going over my head, though I’ll just take Arian’s word for it that it’d be embarrassing. ^^;

Arian: “Actually… wait a minute. Flora and Tamara are just hanging around. What if we named the team after an acronym based off our names… like ‘Team FATE’?”
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Elvira: “That’d be a great idea… if they actually had any interest in joining our team, which I’m pretty sure they don’t. (Also, why on earth would Flora get to go first in the acronym? We founded it first…)” -_-;

The next morning, they went back to deliberating names, once Elvira and Arian had cleared the table. It would pass the time until Tamara arrived to look after Zenobia for the day, they decided.

At the very least, they had potential contenders for a name that Elvira had written down on a piece of paper. Arian volunteered to write at first, but quickly found out that with his new paws, any kind of writing he did was completely ineligible. That was a skill he told himself to practise when he had time.

Arian: “Actually, wait, what on earth am I writing right now anyways? Are these even letters?
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"Hmm…" Elvira hummed, thinking deeply. "How about Team…'Grassaura?'"

"Mmm...no, not feeling it," Arian denied.

"Thought so. Just something to throw out there. Hmmm…" The Treecko lightly chewed the end of the pencil as she brainstormed. "Team…'Soul'?"

Arian: “‘Team Soul’? Really?
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Elvira: “Arian, if you don’t like it, you can suggest some ideas too, you know?” >_>;
Arian: “... ‘Team Pathfinder’? I mean we have been finding our way through Mystery Dungeons and trying to find a way to free Selenia of its Aggron problems, so…”
Elvira: “I’m pretty sure that that’s already taken.”
Arian: “Darn. Well, let’s see, what else do we have to work with here…?”

"...Not bad. But it's a bit basic," Arian responded. "Plus, I don't really see how that summarises us. I mean, there is plenty of soul between us, but I feel that'd belong better to a team of Psychic-types, for instance. Might already be taken anyway."

"Okay," Elvira accepted reluctantly. "Something that takes each other's traits into account. Team…'Auraflora'?"

Ah yes, taking after her father’s footsteps there.

"Hmm...that's actually pretty good. Write that down," suggested Arian. Elvira quickly scribbled the name down.

"So that's a maybe, then," Elvira said.

"Yeah." Arian pondered for another bit about their name. "Maybe our team name could be a representation in what we stand for. Wasn't there a name in that book called 'Team Hope?'"

That feels like such a groaner name since you just know there’d be no shortage of puns thrown around based off of it. :V

"There was. They were the people that took steps to revolutionise the work of mercenaries forever in Selenia," the Treecko elaborated. "If not for them, the Irian Guild would not have become as famous as it was, and we would not have the Guild be such a pivotal part of our country. They wanted a beacon of hope, in a time of suffering for Selenia."

[ ]

"Hope...I think we could be onto something with that concept. We should definitely keep it in mind. ...But I think it's time for a bit of a break. We'll come back to it later."

I kinda wonder if there should’ve been some description here from Arian, especially since it’s a vehicle for expanding on the story that Elvira is telling without going full infodump in the dialogue if Arian’s read about Team Hope on some of Zenobia’s books himself.

"...I agree with you." Elvira then looked out the window. "...Hm. It's mid-morning already. ...Strange. Why hasn't Tamara arrived yet?"

[ ]

"Is she usually late?" wondered her partner.

"I wouldn't say she's the greatest of timekeepers," Elvira replied. "But Flora arrived at least an hour earlier."

It might make sense to describe the two copping a peek off at the window or something like that after noticing Tamara’s not here to help transition the mood a bit from brainstorming to “wait, something’s wrong” mode.

"Flora and Tamara are probably two different people when it comes to being on time," Zenobia pointed out. "I wouldn't worry too much, Elvira."

"Even so…" Arian could sense the worry in Elvira in the familiar wave patterns of emotion he'd become accustomed to feeling. "I don't like this. Has something happened? Please, Arceus, I hope not…"

… Wait, has Arian really grown accustomed to feeling aura coming off of other Pokémon? Since I swear that it wasn’t really addressed in chapters prior to this. It might make sense to frame things as him being less familiar with his aura, like so:

"Even so…"

Arian could sense that Elvira was worried. Quite literally, as he felt it all but roll off her in waves. He at first thought that it was just a feeling, only for Elvira and Zenobia to explain he was feeling something called ‘aura’.

H
e'd become accustomed to feeling it to the point where it just kinda melted into the background outside of moments where a Pokémon’s emotion really stood out… like how Elvira’s sense of unease was right now.

"I don't like this,” she muttered. “Has something happened? Please, Arceus, I hope not…"

Arian: “I mean, I suppose we did piss off that local mafia by swooping in to her rescue a couple days ago. But if they didn’t notice all this time, we’re surely good, right?” ^^;
Elvira: “... And you jinxed us.” >.<

At that moment, they heard a knock on the door.

"Well, that was fitting timing," Arian remarked. "That's probably her now. I'll go get it." He rose from his seat and headed down the hallway, preparing to greet the Pachirisu…

Only to stop in his tracks.

"Hey! Who are you? You're not Tamara!"

Arian + Elvira: “...” O_O;
Elvira: “Arian, I told you-”
Arian: “Look, we don’t know this ‘mon’s from the Thorned Roses, okay?” >_>;

And indeed, the peppy electric squirrel was not the one who knocked. It was someone else - a bipedal yellow and white-bellied Pokémon with sharp sets of claws at their hands and feet, and equally sharp quills along its back. In fact, their species looked familiar to the Riolu.

"You're a...Sandslash, right?" Arian asked.

"I am," the Pokémon replied. The sound of their voice was feminine, and as well as that, it did sounded somewhat familiar to Arian. "And I can see that you're a Riolu. You wouldn't have a Treecko for a partner, would you?"

Arian: “... Wait a minute, where on earth have we seen her before?” .-.
Elvira: “She’s… uh…”
- Elvira peeks back a couple chapters -
Elvira: “One of those shopkeepers we ran into who put us up to finding that Sandy Torc. Though I’m sorry, why are you here again?” ^^;

"Er, yes?" came the reply.

"Who is it, Arian?" Elvira asked, as she came up to the front door. "A Sandslash. Say, you look familiar. Have we met before?"

"This is our first meeting," the Sandslash replied.

Arian + Elvira: “...”
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Elvira: “No, I very distinctly remember that you were the Sandslash from-”

"Actually, wait a minute," Arian brought up. "Are you related to a Sandslash named Caitríona, by any chance?"

"I am," answered the Ground-type. "My name is Lillian. I'm Caitríona and Conall's daughter."

Elvira: “I… stand corrected, then.” .-.
Lillian: “Look, we don’t look that much like each other, do we?”
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[ ]

"I think they might've mentioned you," Elvira said.

"Yes. Thanks for getting my Sandy Torc back," Lillian replied gratefully. "I was afraid I'd lost it for good."

Would suggest adding some reaction from Arian and Elvira where they have their lightbulb moment plus to give a meta reminder to the reader that “right, that’s Caitríona and Conall”, though that’s the reason why they were so hung up on that Sandy Torc, huh?

"No problem," Arian returned. "It's what we do."

"But where's Tamara?" Elvira brought up. "Why hasn't she come?"

[ ]

"I've a feeling I know why." Lillian's face darkened. "You can't stay here, you two."

Yeah, I just knew that the Thorned Roses weren’t going to let that whole episode with Bruno and Viv slide.

Though it probably makes sense to have Lillian’s mood change a bit, since presumably this isn’t exactly chipper news to share with these two and it might make sense to play that up a bit in describing Lillian being tense or giving off a “Should I be worried? Since I’m getting the feeling I should be worried” vibe that Arian might pick up with his aura senses.

"What do you mean?" Elvira demanded. "I live here! You can't just tell me I can't stay here!"

"What if I told you the Thorned Roses are on the hunt for you two, and have started to look beyond the town's perimeter?" Lillian added.

I wonder if Lillian’s line would have more impact formatted as a blunt statement instead of as a question. Since it’s a serious moment, and if Lillian’s here for a “time to go, kids” moment, it might make sense that she’d want to not mince words and just cut to the chase here.

[ ]

"Th-They're looking for us?" Elvira stammered, a look of panic coming into her eyes.

"They are. And sooner or later, they're going to find this house and you two in it," the Sandslash continued, [ ]. "Do you see now why you can't stay?"

This feels like a spot where you want to put in more description. Like you kinda already have a little bit of it from Elvira here, but it feels like something that would come before she collects herself enough to say something back.

"We do," Arian replied, feeling fear creep into him, and a shiver going down his spine. "But what do we do instead? Run away like cowards?"

This is another spot where Arian’s reaction feels like it’d work better pulled forward from where it presently is. Though I’m actually a little surprised that there was no mention of Arian perceiving the aura coming off of Lillian and especially Elvira, since that and remembering “Right, the Thorned Roses, they had Mik who slashed me across my chest yesterday. ._.” would probably be his primary vector for realizing just how deep of trouble he and Elvira are in right now.

"No. I have an idea," Lillian informed them. "And I know how to go about it. But I need you two to come with me."

[ ]

"Come with you?" Elvira wondered. "I don't mean to be rude, but why exactly should we trust you?"

"...I know it can be hard to trust a complete stranger like me," Lillian admitted. "But it'll all make sense once we're through with this. I promise you, this isn't a trap in any way."

[ ]

"...She doesn't sound like she's lying," Arian told Elvira. "I think she's being honest."

I’ll avoid getting too broken record about it, but yeah, you know the drill based off those brackets there. Though while it’d probably be a little OP to give Arian’s aura lie-detecting powers, I have to wonder if there’s something about Lillian’s emotions that he could perceive here as a secondary indicator to point out to him “well, she’s probably not lying, I think we can trust her”, which might better frame his “I think she’s being honest” moment.

"Mmmm…" murmured an unconvinced Elvira. "I'm not sure…"

"Elvira? Arian? Who's at the door?" Zenobia's voice called from within. Turning around, Arian saw the Heliolisk making her way to them on her crutches. "Oh, hello. Whoever might you be?"

Ah yes, time for things to get really, really awkward right about now. Though wait, is Zenobia also going to tag along? Since you’d think that leaving her behind if Hinnerk knows that this is where Elvira lives would be an absolutely cursed idea in case he got the idea to do something like try and pull a hostage gambit to flush Arian and Elvira out of hiding..

"My name's Lillian," reintroduced the Sandslash, before her expression lit up in realisation. "You wouldn't happen to be Zenobia, Elvira's mother?"

"...I am." The Heliolisk didn't expect to hear her name called out personally. "Why do you ask?"

"I have a letter for you," replied Lillian, surprising all three Pokémon at the door.

Elvira: “I’m sorry, why are you just mentioning this just now?
Lillian: “Because it’s a letter for your mother, specifically.”

"A letter? Why do you have a letter for Mom?" Elvira interrogated.

"I can't say," Lillian evaded, as she dug out the said letter. A detail Arian quickly noticed was that the envelope was blank and devoid of any details. [ ]

"I'll only tell you that you might recognize the writer of the letter from the handwriting wants to remain anonymous. So please keep it secret,” she insisted. “You might know who it is from the handwriting, But please don't reveal their name. They want to keep their identity secret by all means necessary, at least for now."

Lillian’s line there IMO can be streamlined a bit, since she effectively says “the writer of this letter wants to keep their identity secret, so keep quiet about it” twice in the same paragraph.

"Hmm...How strange. What business would this writer have with me?" Zenobia pondered. She sat down on a chair just by the front door, and opened the letter. Arian and Elvira watched as she digested the contents of the letter.

Almost immediately, they noticed the Heliolisk's eyes widening in shock.

I mean, I’ve already gotten spoiled that Team Marshwood aren’t as dead as they’re widely assumed to be at this point in time. I’m going to go ahead and guess that that’s Kallias’ handwriting that she’s recognizing there.

"By the Creator's light…" the duo heard her murmur. In her tone, Arian could detect notes of...relief and happiness? That's good, he thought to himself. At least it's not bad news.

"Who is it, Mom?" Elvira asked, after a while.

Lillian: “Oi, did you not just hear me tell you that the writer’s name wasn’t supposed to be brought up?” >_>;

"...As much as I'd love to tell you, dear, I'm afraid I cannot tell you," Zenobia said, holding the letter away from the duo. "Even in the letter, they're imploring me to keep their name under wraps. And in this letter, their name isn't mentioned once."

"Oh…" The Treecko looked down in slight disappointment.

I mean, if it is indeed Kallias or else Melchior who sent the letter, wouldn’t it make sense for Zenobia to attempt to show the text as a “if you know, you know” thing? Like, the whole secret angle can be preserved without a whole lot of effort if for whatever reason it doesn’t immediately register to Elvira who the writer is from the handwriting even after reading it.

"I will say this much, though." Zenobia's words made her daughter look up again. "I do know who it is. It's someone we know well. It's someone who's been very dependable for us in the past." She looked at the letter again. "...Perhaps it's best if I don't say more about them. What they would like, though, is to meet the two of you."

Okay, yeah. It’s Kallias or Melchior, I can already tell. Though I do wonder if this paragraph can be streamlined a bit. E.x.:

"I will say this much, though, the writer is someone we know well," Zenobia's words made her daughter look up again. "They’re someone who's been very dependable for us in the past. Someone…"

She trailed off and looked at the letter again, before biting her tongue.

"...Perhaps it's best if I don't say more about them. What they would like, though, is to meet the two of you."

Or something like that, anyways.

"The two of us?" Arian said. "But how do they know about - "

"I told the Chief about you two," Lillian answered. "My parents told me about the two of you, and then I told the Chief. The Chief sent me here to tell you they want to meet with you two."

[ ]

"But...we're just an amateur team," the Riolu replied, still confused. "Why would this person want to meet us in particular?"

Seems like a spot to show off Arian cocking a brow or something like that.

"..." Elvira was silent, before a single thought came into her head.

This secret person...could it possibly be…?

Yeah, Elvira knows herself, I can already tell. Though unless if the letter to Zenobia very specifically instructed her to share it with nobody else, I have to wonder why she didn’t just pass it over to Elvira to read when she was right there in the hopes that she’d also realize who sent it.

"We should go," she suggested to Arian. "If it is who I think it is, then we should definitely meet up with them."

"Are you sure?" questioned the human. "This could be a trap."

"It's the furthest thing from a trap," Lillian rejected insisted.

[ ]

"I can also say it's no trap," Zenobia seconded. "The writing on this letter is legitimate. I'm absolutely sure of it."

I have to wonder if there’s something beyond mere handwriting that’s tipping Zenobia off that this is the real deal, since you’d think that handwriting could be forged. Especially if it’s coming from who I think the letter’s author was since once upon a time, they were very public figures in Ardalion

"Well, if you all say so…" Arian concluded, looking at the three other agreeing parties. "...Okay then. I'm in. Let's go meet this mystery person."

"Yes. With haste," Lillian urged. "The longer we spend yapping here, the more time the Thorned Roses have to find us. We should go while the going's good."

"Alright. See you, Mom!" Elvira said, as she and Arian started out on the road with Lillian.

Oh, so we’re just going to leave Zenobia with her broken leg behind at the house where the Thorned Roses are going to come snooping around by the end of the day, aren’t we? Not even going to give her a “I’ve got friends who can get you out of here” moment, huh?
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"Bye, Elvira. Bye, Arian," wished Zenobia, and watched as they travelled onto the main road. When they were out of sight, she closed the door behind her.

"...Goodness. What a morning to have a revelation like that," she said. The electric lizard took a look down at the letter again. Specifically, to one part of particular sentence from it.

I'm afraid I can't reveal who exactly I am yet. But you would know, Zenobia. After all, I gave you that vase to you as a present on your thirty-fifth hatch day.

Okay, I’m going to guess that this is Melchior who sent the letter here. Though I kinda wonder if there was a smoother way of delivering this line, e.x. something like:

I'm afraid I can't address you openly just yet. I hope that will change someday soon and that we’ll be able to meet again. It’ll be nice to be in your house again, especially to see whatever you’ve done with that vase I gave to you on your thirty-fifth hatch day.

Something to consider, at least.

"...How could I forget that present?" Zenobia said to herself. She travelled to the sitting room, where atop the mantelpiece, above the fireplace, that vase lay stood, with some daffodils in them. To this day It was a beautiful work of pottery with an ornate design, and the Heliolisk saw considered it as to be one of the best gifts she had ever been given recieved.

"...It's been a while, hasn't it? I imagine Elvira will be quite happy to see you again. But what have you been up to this whole time?"

Some suggestions for streamlining here. Though I suppose we’ll see if I was right on my guess as to the sender’s identity.

"Wait a minute. Why are we heading this way?"

This was Arian's question blinked and held his head at a puzzled tilt, as Lillian directed them to head right at the crossroads outside Elvira's house, towards Ozerograd.

"Because the Chief is on the other side of Ozerograd," Lillian explained. "To get there, we must go through the town."

Arian: “Okay, seriously, is there really no bypass around Ozerograd at all?” .-.

"But the Thorned Roses are looking for us! You were the one who insisted we couldn't stay at my house!" Elvira pointed out. "So why are we headed into the very place where the Thorned Roses rule the roost?"

Arian: “Just saying, that would be a really good reason to try and find a bypass.” >_>;

"Don't worry about that," the Sandslash assured. "I have a plan for when we come to that."

"A plan? Enlighten us," Arian demanded.

"Not right away. Closer to town," Lillian returned. "I will ask you one question before we get there, though. How good are you two at acting?"

Arian: “Oh my god, lady. Are we seriously not trying to find a way around town instead of doing this?”
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Lillian: “Look, the Thorned Roses are obviously going to start searching for you assuming that you skipped town, so we might as well try to use some reverse psychology on them.”

"Acting?" Elvira repeated. "Um...alright, I guess? We did a few plays in school…"

"I think I'm good at it?" Arian said, unsure of what the answer truly was. Was I fond of acting in my human life? "Why do you ask?"

Ah yes, things will surely go well™ from this strategy, I can already tell.

"Because if my plan is going to work, you're going to need to act in order to fool the Thorned Roses in town," the Sandslash answered. "Being alright actors will do, hopefully. You'd be surprised how easy the wool can be pulled over the eyes of some Thorned Roses."

Lillian: “I mean, it helps that half of them show up hung over on the job, so…” ^^;

[ ]

"Are you sure?" Arian questioned sceptically. He gazed down at his stomach, where he'd been struck and poisoned by Mikhail's Poison Tail two days prior.

I think that you’re getting a bit heavy on the dialogue sans description up to this point. It probably makes sense to drop something in here.

Also, I just realized, but does Arian have any lingering scars / wounds from getting Poison Tailed? Since if so, boy is Lillian’s plan sounding more cursed by the moment here.
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"Yes," Lillian responded. "Faced with their prey, most Thorned Roses will be so caught up in the clamour that they won't know they're being tricked. I know how they act."

[ ]

"And how do you know that?" the Riolu fired back. "Are you some expert on the Thorned Roses or something?"

"You could say that," the Sandslash replied. "After all, I am one."

Oh, so she’s got the same thing going on that Ishmael does.

Arian + Elvira:
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Lillian: “Look, kids, if I wanted to hurt you, I’d have done it a looooong time ago. Just hear me out on this.”

[ ]

"Wait, what?!" Arian nearly tripped over his own feet in shock, and Elvira similarly froze. "You're a Thorned Rose?!"

[ ]

"In a sense, yes. But let me finish before you burst out again," Lillian requested. Both parties, about to do just that, held their tongues. "I'm a member of the Thorned Roses in disguise. The Chief sent me to infiltrate them as a spy and report on their activity in Ozerograd. ...Safe to say that I've had a lot of info to tell the Chief in the last while."

It might make sense to do some description of how both sides are reacting to this right about now, especially if Lillian is visibly shushing Arian and Elvira or something like that.

Arian: “Oh, you’re a double agent... you could have just told us that first, you know! You just about gave me a heart attack there!”
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"'The Chief'?" Elvira noted. "I presume that's the person who wants to speak to us?"

"Yes," the Sandslash answered. "My real allegiances lie with him. I have no respect for Hinnerk or the Thorned Roses. All of my talk of loyalty is only empty words."

[ ]

"Interesting," murmured Elvira. "All this time, I never would've assumed there was a spy in the Thorned Roses."

It probably makes sense to make a note of Arian trying to gauge whether or not he trusts Lillian’s claim or not with a little help from his aura or something, since this is a really specific claim that on its face sounds improbable, and the consequences for being wrong are potentially terminal.

"Well, that's a sign I'm doing my job right then, isn't it?" Lillian replied, before her face fell slightly. "...Sometimes it hasn't been easy. Because I have to blend in with the Thorned Roses, that has meant doing things I'd never do under any circumstances. I don't like terrorising innocents. And I sure don't like kicking them out of their homes and sending off to gods know where…"

[ ]

"The disappearances," Arian realised. "What do you know about them, Lillian?"

Well, you can’t say that Lillian isn’t thorough about preserving her cover. Though I’m a little surprised that neither Arian nor Elvira have any commentary on things, since you’d think that they’d find this admission to be a bit sketch.

"Not much, I'm afraid," the Sandslash revealed disappointedly. "Have Mum and Dad told you already?"

"They didn't say much," Elvira recalled. "Only that Hinnerk and Mikhail were the only ones involved in it."

"That's true. But certain members are dedicated to that, and I'm not in that circle, unfortunately," Lillian lamented. "However…I did hear one interesting something from Mikhail once."

"And that was…?"

"When one couple was being taken away, I overheard him saying that they would make a nice sacrifice."

Arian + Elvira:
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Arian: “Do… we even want to know what’s going on?”
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Lillian: “Depends on how serious you two are about getting to the bottom of these disappearances.”

"Sacrifice?" The word made both Arian and Elvira shiver. Suddenly, matters had gotten a lot more sinister. [ ]

"Yes. Whatever he means by that, it's not good, whatever it means. The whole shady nature and rumours of it all is what made the Chief assign us to Ozerograd and infiltrate the Thorned Roses."

"Wait, 'us'?" Arian noted. "There's more?"

Something about the description for Arian and Elvira feels a little incomplete here, even if I’m having a bit of trouble placing my finger on why. If you ever go back to touch this chapter up, consider playing around with the phrasing a bit.

"Yes, there's more." Lillian was about to go into detail on that front, but she stopped. "Oh, we're here."

They were at the top of the hill that was just before the wooded area before entering Ozerograd. The view was as beautiful as ever, accentuated by the sunny day.

"Ozerograd's a nice place," the Sandslash commented. "A pity the Thorned Roses pretty much ruin it."

[ ]

"We're getting pretty close to town," Elvira brought up. "What is this plan of yours, Lillian?"

I think that it probably makes sense to have Elvira more explicitly stop and register that they’re running out of runway before they will need to start worrying about other TRs, since something about the shifting of gears topic-wise feels a bit abrupt.

"Yes. I think it's time to put the plan into action," the Sandslash paused, considering what she was to say next.

"Put your hands behind your back, both of you," she requested. The Riolu and Treecko did so. "Alright. I hope you'll forgive me in advance for what I'm about to do…"

She went behind both of their backs, and Arian could hear her taking materials from her satchel. Then, without warning, he could feel his paws being tied up. [ ]

"I'm being Ack! You tied me up!" he cried in realisation. "Lillian, what is this are you doing?" He turned back to her, an unsure look in his eyes.

It probably makes sense to describe Arian’s [rioshock] face a bit more explicitly. Though I just realized, but doesn’t Lilian have to tie each of these two up one at a time? Wouldn’t it make sense for the “wait, what are you doing?!”-ish bit to be leveled by whoever’s going second of the pair since s/he would be able to see Lillian doing her thing in action.

"It's part of the plan," the Sandslash answered. "You need to look as though you've been captured when we go into town. Then no one will suspect anything, will they?"

"Oh, I see…" Elvira said, seeing where she was going with this. "Then they'll think we are."

"Exactly," Lillian replied, as she moved over to the Grass-type and began to tie the rope in her hands. "I'll lead you into town as if you've been found and captured by me. I'll intend to lead you to Hinnerk, but at some point we'll create a diversion and throw them off in order to make it safely to the road to Iria. Beyond there's where the Chief is waiting for us."

Lillian, you do realize that this brilliant plan can literally go down in flames just from Mik slithering up and going “outta my way, I’ll take them to Hinnerk”, right?

"Okay...But what'll be the diversion'?" questioned Arian, still unsure of the plan.

"I have it covered," was the vague answer of the Sandslash. "Oh, and another thing. Because I'm a Thorned Rose, I have to blend in with them. ...I'm sorry, but I might have to get a bit rough with you two. It may not be pretty, but it has to be convincing if it's going to work." As she said this, she pulled out an armband that had become a familiar sight for Arian and Elvira: a red band with a thorned rose on it. She then tied it around her right arm.

Arian: “I’m… starting to get doubts about this, really. Shouldn’t I be sanity-checking whether or not she feels like she’s lying? Since if she is, we’re beyond screwed right now.”
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[ ]

"...I understand," Elvira accepted. "If it means meeting him, then...I'll accept."

Arian caught the look in her eye, and along with emotions of hope emanating from her, it suddenly occurred to him what she might be thinking. W-Wait a minute...could it be possible that this mystery person is…?

I’m assuming that Arian thinks that the mystery writer is her father, even if I’m pretty sure that he’ll be wrong. Though yeah, I’m a little surprised that Arian wasn’t explicitly trying to pick up emotions from Lillian given that he’s doing so with Elvira here, since you’d think that as Lillian’s asks sounded progressively more sketch, that he’d want to get more verification that they’re not being played.

"So do I," he seconded, now reinforced with this knowledge.

"Excellent. Then let's go," Lillian said. "Now remember to act like you've been captured. You need a look full of despair, like you'd do anything to get out of this situation."

Arian: “... Wouldn’t it be easier to just hit us with Sleep Seeds or something?”
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Lillian: “No. Since you need to be awake when the diversion rolls in.

"Could being angry work?" suggested Arian. "That's what I was going to go for. A kind of 'You bastards! How dare you do this to me!' act."

"That works," permitted the Sandslash. "Just as long as it's convincing. That's why I asked you if you were good actors earlier. Because this plan hinges on how you act."

Arian: “Just saying, it’s not too late for us to just find a bypass around Ozerograd.” >_>;
Lillian: “Look, you’d need to be able to act there as well if we ran into a countryside patrol. Just trust me, this is indeed the quickest route to work with here.”
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[ ]

"I'll give my best," vowed Elvira. "And so will Arian."

"Good. Now hop to it!" ordered Lillian in an authoritative barking voice, foreshadowing her tone. Spurred by her words, Arian and Elvira began walking, with the Sandslash following behind them.

If Arian and Elvira have any moment of hesitance before agreeing to go along, the part in brackets feels like a pretty believable place to show it off in action.

They walked through the wooded area. Both Arian and Elvira found their new position with their hands tied uncomfortable, but stuck with it for the sake of the act. They were walked through an area unfamiliar to Arian didn’t recognize, due to him though he supposed he wouldn’t recognize much of anything after taking Tamara's tunnel into town.

As they got closer to the perimeter, Arian began to feel started to grow nervous. Despite the fact he wasn't actually captured, he felt as though he was. It was beginning to occur to him just how deadly the consequences could be if this plan of Lillian's went awry in any way.

I'd better get this right, he thought to himself, taking a deep breath and steeling his nerves.

Ah yes, now you realize just how precarious the entire gambit is, Arian.
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They approached a stone arch with a portcullis at the top. Right, Arian thought. Time to engage Angry Captive Mode.

"Halt! Who goes there?" a voice called from within the walls. Two guards stepped forward: a Croagunk and a Luxio, both wearing Thorned Roses armbands.

"Someone who struck gold," Lillian replied, a hint of pride in her voice. Of course, Arian and Elvira both knew this was fake. "Look who I found while searching east of town."

I wonder if it actually makes more sense to play up that Lillian’s hint of pride doesn’t sound fake since they have to act their way past all these guards. e.x.:

"Someone who struck gold," Lillian replied, a hint of pride in her voice. It was fake, of course, but Arian and Elvira couldn’t help but double-take at how natural it sounded coming from the Sandslash’s mouth.

"Look who I found while searching east of town."

Or something like that.

"A Riolu and a Treecko?" the Luxio said, before realising. "Ah! The two the Boss wants us to look for!"

"Yes, and I'm the one who found them," the Sandslash said, grinning all the while. "The Boss will be pleased. And it was so easy! To think, Mikhail gave us all a was going on and on about how warning that they might be stronger than they look. Rubbish! I knocked them flat in no time at all!"

Some suggestions for smoothing out a couple parts of this bit with Lillian.

[ ]

Oh, I see. She's playing it up to try and win them over. Still…Arian thought uneasily. This will mean us being punching bags, won't it?

"Atta girl," praised the Croagunk. "Hey, look at the Riolu. He has quite the look on his face," he chortled, pointing at Arian.

It might make sense to explicitly note Arian and Elvira slipping into crabby mode since they were instructed to put up an act, especially if there’s a flash of genuine annoyance on Arian’s part about Lillian going on about how he’s a pushover until he realizes what she’s up to.

"Shut up," the Riolu hissed, getting into his role. "Wipe that stupid smirk off your face!"

"Ha! Oh, this is too good!" The frog booped his snout, which made Arian bare his teeth and growl at him. Ignoring him, he turned his attention to Elvira. "Oh, and look at the despair on this one's face!"

"Please," the Treecko begged. "Don't make me face Hinnerk! Please, I'll do anything! Have mercy, I beg of you!"

It might have made sense to describe these two getting into their acts a bit more, since this feels very told and not shown at the moment. Though now I’m getting that one episode from Malcolm in the Middle where Francis tactically gets Dewey to cry to get Malcolm’s ER bill covered coming to mind and wonder if in a pinch, that Lillian would pull something like that in order to do some enforced method acting until they could get past.

Croagunk:
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Lillian: “(You’re doing great, by the way, keep it up!)”

[ ]

"Aww, how precious," taunted the Croagunk. "But we don't do mercy here!"

"Yeah, that's right!" the Luxio chimed in. "You made the boss mad, and now you're gonna get it!"

"Oh, they will," Lillian said excitedly. "Now then, I gotta get these two to him. Could you boys be darlings and let me through? Pretty please?" To add to her charm, she gave a wink to the Luxio, which did not go unnoticed by Arian.

You know the drill. In this case, it’d probably make sense to describe the Croagunk and Luxio getting their baddie luls and sneers in before they move on. Though I suppose it’s a good thing that Lillian’s able to turn on a charm offensive since you’d think that with what we know about the Thorned Roses from past chapters, that a non-trivial number of them wouldn’t be above trying to muscle bounties out from weaker members to bring forward to Mik and Hinnerk.

Is that a note of flirtation I detect in her voice? the Riolu thought, trying as hard as he could to suppress his surprise. She might be having a bit too much fun with this…

"Aw, I can't say no to a pretty face like yours," the Luxio replied, getting a little bit red in the face. "Come on through, miss."

[ ]

"Thank you very much," Lillian said gratefully, before she began to march forward. "Move it, you two! The Boss isn't a patient man!"

[ ]

"Okay, okay, we're going!" Arian replied, acting in his best annoyed tone.

"I don't like your tone, Riolu," the Sandslash fired back, giving him a meaningful glare. "Act like that again, and you'll regret it. You're lucky the Boss wants you alive."

A couple more moments that strike me as having room for expansion. The first block feels like a good time to see how Arian and/or Elvira are thinking of Lillian’s gambit. The second feels like a good point to have Lillian give those Arian and Elvira a shove or something, since hey, she did warn that she’d potentially have to get rough with them to sell her act.

"..." Arian said nothing to this, as Lillian marched the two on into town. As they walked through the town, though, the Riolu immediately got the sense that the atmosphere in Ozerograd today was different than normal. It still had that same oppressive aura as yesterday, but this time he could sense something else in the air. An air that for some reason, made the human uneasy.

Whatever it is, it's a darker feeling than yesterday. It's like the fear and hostility from yesterday have become much greater. Something's happening in town. I know it.

Arian: “Oh boy, I really, really hope that it doesn’t have anything to do with those ‘sacrifices’ that Lillian told us about.

He looked over at Elvira. She was still keeping up the act of despair. However, he noticed a slight shift in her emotions, and in her, he could sense a similar feeling of anxiety. She feels it too. Just whatever could it be?

"Hey! Look! It's the Riolu and Treecko the Boss wants!"

Voices drew his attention away from his thoughts. In front of him, a number of Thorned Roses led by a [whatever] had seen them, and were now running towards them.

"Yep! I got 'em right here!" Lillian beamed. "The Boss will be over the moon when he sees them! Where is he, exactly?"

Whelp, time to see whether or not the Thorned Roses are above sabotaging each other for self-advancement, since just saying, if this group got the brilliant idea of yoinking Arian and Elvira and cashing in…
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"Dunno, actually," a Nuzleaf replied. "Haven't seen him around."

"Actually, I heard somewhere that he was gonna try and lure these two out," a Torracat brought up. "I don't think he's in town right now."

"Really?" Lillian replied. "I see."

[ ] Arian couldn't help but notice a distinct hopeful emotion emanating from her. "What about Mikhail? Is he around?"

It might make sense to explicitly note what Lillian’s outward response to the Torracat’s news is, especially if it’s at odds with the feelings that Arian is picking up from her.

"Haven't seen him around either," the Torracat replied. "He’s probably with the Boss."

"Well, let's not worry about that for now," the Sandslash said. "I'll just leave them in the jail cells. The Boss can decide what to do with them when he gets back."

"Oh, can we help?" asked the Nuzleaf.

"Thanks for the offer. But I'll be fine, really," Lillian responded. "Besides, they look like they've given up the fight already." She let out a snicker at this. "Some threat they are. Mikhail was worrying over nothing."

Yeah, this is going to be the part where things start going sideways. I can already tell.

[ ]

You could lay off a little with the insults, Lillian…

Might make sense to explicitly note Arian having a flash of annoyance, since while he is supposed to be acting “angry captive” right now, this feels like a moment that would be a bit less acted.

"Yeah, they're pathetic," mocked a Skwovet. "I've seen kids in town with more fight than them."

"Oh, by the way!" a Tranquill eagerly brought up. "Are you gonna take part in the evicting, Miss Lillian?"

Arian + Elvira:
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Evicting? Arian's blood ran cold at the word. Immediately, his thoughts turned to what Flora, Tamara and Vardan all previously said about not being able to pay the exorbitant rents the Thorned Roses imposed on them.

"Evicting? Are they doing that today?" Lillian asked. Arian could partially sense her fight to keep up the act and not give away her despondence to hearing this.

I feel like with how smooth Lillian’s acting has been up to this point, that it probably makes sense for Arian getting at Lillian’s true feelings to be more of a process. e.x.:

Evicting? Arian's blood ran cold at the word. Immediately, his thoughts turned to what Flora, Tamara and Vardan all previously said about not being able to pay the exorbitant rents the Thorned Roses imposed on them.

He felt a strange, downcast wave come over him. He turned towards Elvira and noticed that her eyes were widened, and the emotions coming from her felt more shocked than anything. No, these feelings were coming from elsewhere, they were coming from…

"Evicting? Are they doing that today?" Lillian asked.

Arian peeked back at Lillian, and while her words sounded like what one would expect from a Thorned Rose, the excitement in her face she had just earlier crowing about how she ‘caught’ them was gone. So that was her that he was feeling. She must have been fighting hard just to keep up the act and not give away her true feelings.

Or something like that. There’s multiple ways to get to a similar destination that would work.

"Yup! Time to kick out those suckers who ain't paying up!" the Nuzleaf said, a grin on his face. "They've started it already in town! You should join in!"

[ ]

"I'll consider it," the Sandslash replied. "But I want to secure these two first. Afterwards, I might do just that."

She marched on with the two 'captives'. Arian had noticed Lillian had gone quiet, presumably from the news the two rogues had given them. The news worried him, too. Please let it not be too excessive, he prayed.

It probably makes sense to have Lillian be described as having some sort of brushoff moment before moving along.

Unfortunately, he would not see this wish come to fruition. They happened to pass by Tamara's house, and came across a horrifying scene.

Desmond and Lorraine were being hauled out of their own home by two Thorned Roses, a Hitmonchan and a Graveler.

"You monsters!" Desmond was yelling. "First you take my daughter and now my home! What more do you want?!"

"Rent money! It's that simple!" the Graveler fired back. "You can't pay the money, you don't get the privilege to live here! Basic economics, man!"

Well then. I see things are going well™. Though I feel like the earlier part of this block is a bit too tell and not show, since with a bit of minor rearrangement, you can show what’s so horrifying in short order:

"You monsters!"

Arian’s prayer barely lasted past the end of the block. He and Elvira looked over and at once, their mouths dropped in horrified shock. They were passing by Tamara’s house, as a Hitmonchan and Graveler dragged Desmond and Lorraine out onto the street.

"First you take my daughter and now my home! What more do you want?!"

"Rent money! It's that simple!" the Graveler fired back. "You can't pay the money, you don't get the privilege to live here! Basic economics, man!"

Like you could even go a bit further to make things nice and uncomfortable / sell the “horrifying” sense for Arian and Elvira such as describing the sounds of the Hitmonchan and Graveler smashing up the contents of Tamara’s house for jollies, or Desmond and Lorraine looking visibly distraught or hurt, but I decided to keep things fairly close to the original for the purposes of this exercise.

"But there's no way we could pay those rents!" Lorraine protested. "You'd have to have all the money in the world just to get by!"

[ ]

"Well, tough luck, then," the Hitmonchan countered. "You don't get to live here. Simple as that."

"You bastards…" Desmond seethed. His gaze then turned to the street, and at that point, he spotted Arian and Elvira being led through them by Lillian. "Elvira! Arian! No! They got you two as well!?"

[ ]

"Desmond! Lorraine!" Elvira called out.

I think that Desmond’s line sounds a bit more punchy if it’s just a horrified namedrop. Though this feels like another spot where more visualization or internal thoughts would lean in with making this more visceral / knife-twisty, especially if Arian and Elvira’s angry/despairing captive acts are getting decidedly more real in live-time.
"They took Tamara!" Lorraine said, beginning to sob. "They took our sweet little girl from us! And now they're taking you away as well!"

"Th-They took Tamara?" the Treecko repeated, horror crossing her face. "Oh no...Arian, we have to - !"

"Stop talking, Treecko!" ordered Lillian. "Keep moving!"

Ah yes, the part where you need to keep up an act, but things are getting all too real.

"B-But Lillian-!"

"Did I ask you to speak?" interrupted the Sandslash, giving the Grass-type a harsh glare. "Move it! The Boss isn't a patient man!"

[ ]

"...Let it go, Elvira. We've lost this fight," Arian said, in an attempt to keep up the act. He knew she wanted to go rescue her friend, but one thought reigned his decision-making: We can't blow our cover. He felt bad himself, seeing all of this. But if we try and escape now, it'll only make everything worse. "Please don't make this harder than it has to be."

Considering how close Elvira is to Tamara and her family, I’m honestly a bit surprised that she hasn’t gone further off-script at this point. Like I honestly half-expected her to try to bolt for Desmond and Lorraine and need to be physically held back by Lillian to keep her from blowing up their cover.

"...If you say so, Arian," Elvira said reluctantly. She was about to protest, but seeing her partner's pleading look made the protest die at her lips. As well as that, she understood those last words' message: Don't give us away.

"...If you say so, Arian," Elvira said reluctantly.

[ ]

"Good. Now walk on, keep walking like the submissive little runts you are!" ordered Lillian.

I think that you have a bit of room to show how everyone’s reacting right now before Lillian pipes up again. Like is Elvira visibly trying not to cry right about now? Is Lillian visibly catching herself to compose herself before hurrying the gang off before she breaks character herself?
Wordlessly, the duo walked on. Behind them, Desmond and Lorraine watched them go, slightly bewildered by the exchange.

"What was that?" the Raichu observed. "It's like they walked off without argument. How did Elvira listen to Arian so quickly? Something's not right here…"

"Do the Thorned Roses know no pity?" Lorraine clasped her hands. "Oh Creator, please let them find a way out. And please, let my little girl be okay…"

<><><>

Meanwhile, the duo marched on, faced with several more heart-wrenching scenes of evictions. It was particularly upsetting for Elvira, who had to look away on a few occasions. Arian found them sickening to watch, as people of all ages, including women and children, were thrown out of their homes. He could also sense Lillian didn't approve of this either, if her emotions were anything to go by.

Huh, I didn’t realize that there were multiple evictions ongoing today, though I suppose that explains the weird mood that Arian was sensing around the town. Though if these evictions aren’t literally happening further down the same street, you might want to consider putting in a hard scene break since the paragraph with the evictions is functionally a fast-forward button.

Though yeah, this was part of the reason why I suggested adding some extra description to Desmond and Lorraine’s eviction to make it more standout and viscerally uncomfortable for readers. Since that way you can turn around and emphasize that that horrible, painful episode with the cute background family we got to know a few chapters ago just keeps happening over and over again as Arian and Elvira go along.

"Elvira! Arian!"

The two looked over and saw another scene that was a punch to the gut. To their right, being evicted, were Vardan and a Lilligant; the latter being Diantha, Flora's mother.

"Vardan!" Arian cried.

"Diantha!" Elvira looked into the florist's where strewn flowers lay in the wake of the Thorned Roses' ransacking of the shop. A sinking feeling developed as she realised there was someone missing.

"Where's Flora?"

"Gone!" Vardan yelled. "These bastards took her away this morning!"

Arian: “Well, looks like we might need to consider forming Team FATE after all, since if we don’t find Tamara and Flora before the day’s over, I don’t think we’re ever going to see either of them again.

[ ]

"No! No!" Elvira cried with anguish. "Flora and Tamara…both of them…!"

"Elvira…" Arian felt the sting of her sorrow. By now, he was considering finding out himself the truth behind the two missing girls. But he shook that off. We'll just be caught anyway. Might end up just like them… He shook off that dark thought. No. They're somewhere. We just can't deal with this right now.

"Come on, you two! Move!" Lillian demanded. Notably, her tone had lost a bit of its bite.

It probably makes sense to take a moment to establish what Elvira’s general emotional / mental state of mind is at this point. Like the paragraph describing the way over kinda gives off the vibe that she’s progressively losing her composure, but it might make sense to show how that’s been adding up by this point, especially if she’s having trouble staying on-script at this point.

The duo were moved onwards. All the while, Arian's mind was ablaze with thoughts.

Are they gonna be carted off to be 'sacrificed'? His blood ran cold at the thought. All these people…Why are they doing this? Why must they be so heartless?

But they couldn't do anything if this plan was to succeed. It pained Arian to stand by and do nothing, and he knew Elvira felt the same way.

You said you hate feeling powerless, Elvira. …I feel you. I really do.

Sure is a good thing that you agreed to go through town tied up, huh Arian?

Lillian: “Okay, I’ll admit, if I’d known that this was going to be happening today, I’d have taken the bypass around town.”
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Eventually, the three ended up at the town square, where Arian and Elvira had met Mikhail. There, some Thorned Roses were stationed, though Arian couldn't help but think that there were less than last time. Must be out evicting people, he cynically thought to himself.

He had little time to brood on this thought, however, before multiple Thorned Roses spotted them, and a clamour arose amongst them.

"Hey! It's the Riolu and Treecko the Boss wants!"

"Get them! Make sure they don't get away!"

"Oh, great! We got them at last! Another set of rebels crushed!"

Arian: “Oh for crying out loud…” >_>;

"Guys…" Lillian was trying to urge. "Please don't create a scene. I have to deliver them to the jail cells for the Boss."

"Aww, can't we at least give 'em a few knocks?" a Mienfoo protested. "I'd love to use the Riolu as a punching bag."

You're lucky my hands are tied, otherwise that's what I'd do to you, Arian bristled. He settled for growling at the Mienfoo.

Is Lillian meant to be relatively high-ranked as a Thorned Rose for her cover? Since I’m honestly surprised and how effective she’s been at maintaining discipline with all these randos who they’re passing when not one has thought of either swiping Arian and Elvira out from under her or else going ahead and messing with them directly.

"I'd rather not," Lillian denied. "There's a chance the Boss wouldn't want them covered in nicks, and I'm not taking the fall for that."

Given that Lillian already played the “Hinnerk wants them alive” card, I wonder if she can give anything more definitive here about “no, you are not allowed to whale on the Boss’ prize prisoners, and I’ll take it out of your hide if you try to put me in a bad spot like that”. e.x. something as simple as that “the Boss asked for them to be brought before him alive and well” or something like that.

"...Pfft. Really?" a Sableye scoffed. "That's not the Boss at all. He wouldn't care a jot if they turned him with him with faces like they were in a boxing match. ...Come on. Let's lay into them!"

Well, sounds like I spoke too soon.

"You idiots. Don't you realise? This is exactly the kind of argument an ally of theirs would want," Lillian suddenly said, in a change of topic. Arian wasn't sure yet, but somehow he felt as if this was meaningful. "It's just the correct amount of chaos...to create a distraction."

After the Sandslash said this, everything happened at once. Out of nowhere, without any warning, smoke bombs suddenly landed in the square, and white smoke billowed everywhere. Everyone was caught off guard, and a sea of coughs erupted from the Thorned Roses, along with voices of outrage.

"Wh-What is this?!"

"An ambush?! Who would dare?!"

"Where'd it come from? Who threw those?!"

"It's those rats! That Riolu and Treecko...They're responsible for this!"

Elvira: “We’re literally tied up right now!” >.<

The last yell was quite wrong: Arian and Elvira were just as startled as their adversaries, and were just as caught up in the confusion as they were. As chaos ensued, they were considerably disoriented...until Arian came to a realisation.

This is what Lillian meant by diversion ...Well, now's our chance! But where is she?

At that moment, both the Riolu and Treecko felt something at their backs, where their arms were tied with rope. Suddenly, the rope had been cut in half, and a delightful realisation came to them when they found they could move their arms again.

We're free!

Arian: “Owowow… was it really necessary to be like this for the past hour? My arms feel numb!” >_>;

"Arian! Elvira! With me!" Lillian's voice called out. Then, amidst the smoke, the Sandslash's figure appeared.

I’m surprised that Lillian didn’t have someone else do the honors for saying this line, since you’d think that those other Thorned Roses would’ve been able to hear her voice speaking to Arian and Elvira in a very “not prisoners” capacity.

"Let's go, Elvira!" Arian called out to his partner. Before she had time to respond, he took her hand in his paw and ran with her after Lillian.

"H-Hey! They're getting away!" the voice of a Thorned Rose called out. "After them!"

"But where did they go? You can't see a damn thing in this smoke!"

Elvira: “Um… Lillian? How much of us talking to each other did they all hear, again?”
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Lillian: “We’ll figure it out later!”

That was all Arian heard from them, as he and Elvira ran away from the square and followed Lillian up another street. Luckily, they were out of the smoke by this stage, and so could see each other.

"Down this way!"

Lillian commanded, before going into an alleyway. The duo followed her lead and went into the alley with her. From there, their escape route became one of skirting through the alleyways. Arian prayed that the Sandslash knew the way, and they wouldn't accidentally happen upon a dead end where they could potentially be cornered by pursuers.

I mean, I would hope that an embed among the Thorned Roses would at least know the territory she’s plying like the back of her hand, but… ^^:

Thankfully, his fears were unfounded: they never went to any cul-de-sacs, and no Thorned Roses were pursuing them. Lillian's distraction had worked, and now they were but a stone's throw away from the northern exit, confirmed when the three walked onto a familiar street.

"Hang on a minute," Arian observed. "Isn't this the street Iona lives on?"

"It is," Elvira confirmed. "The Thorned Roses don't tend to patrol this street, which means that it'll be easy between here and the northern exit. ...We're nearly there. We're nearly out of Ozerograd and the Thorned Roses' clutches. But…" Her face then fell. "Tamara…and Flora"

Lillian: “Yeah, I really should’ve just humored the Riolu and taken the bypass.” >_>;

[ ]

"Don't you worry, Elvira. I'll bring them back safe and sound," vowed Lillian. "You can be sure of it."

"Y-You will?"

"Of course. After all…we need no reason to help the innocent."

It might make sense to have Elvira and Lillian stop for a moment here. e.x. Elvira faltering and Lillian stooping to reassure her or something like that.

"...Wait a minute." Shocked realisation crossed Elvira's face. "Those words...My dad used to say those all the time. That used to be the motto of the Irian Guild! Were you a mercenary there, Lillian?" she asked in disbelief.

Wait, was this motto ever explicitly mentioned in the story up to this point. I don’t remember, but if it’s not already, it might make sense to patch an earlier mention in passing of this being the Irian Guild motto in an earlier chapter such that this moment of realization can work for both Elvira and Arian here.

"Not 'was'," Lillian corrected, with pride. "I still am." She then dug into her satchel, and brought out an item that made Elvira's eyes: a badge. "I'm Lillian, a co-member of Team Sandstream, a mercenary team working for the Irian Guild. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

"That's…That's a Guild badge." The Treecko was stupefied. "Just like what the one Dad had…"

"The Irian Guild?" Arian said, slightly confused. "But wasn't it burned down by Mitrofan?"

"You can't kill a mercenary's spirit," Lillian answered. "The Chief revived it, but because all mercenaries assigned to the Guild were declared outlaws, it's a secret organisation at the minute. That's why you haven't heard of us. But I assure you: the heart of the Irian Guild is still beating. We're still around."

Lillian: “In short, Riolu:
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Arian: “I have so many questions right now.” .-.

"The Guild is still around?" The words were like heaven for Elvira to hear. "That's wonderful. Oh, blessed Arceus above, it's still here…"

"Wow." I did not expect to hear that. But if it's true, then that really does open up doors for us. "Where do we sign up?" Arian asked.

Ah yes, and there’s the resistance movement that our heroes will be hanging around with to take care of their Aggron problems.

"When you meet with the Chief," Lillian told him. "Come on. Let's go meet him."

The two continued down the alleyway, after Lillian. Eventually, the alley came to an end, and once there, they only had one last step to complete to get out of town: getting through the northern gate and the guards there.

Elvira froze upon remembering this.

"There are guards," she brought up.

Elvira: “We… uh… might have jumped the gun a bit for that distraction earlier.”

"...Crap," Arian said, realising the Treecko had a point. "What do we do? We've come this far. We can't give up now."

"Oh, relax, you two," Lillian assured, after peeking out onto the road. "We'll be fine. Just follow my lead and everything will be alright."

Arian: “Wait, but how? We’re not even tied up right now!” .-.

[ ]

"What are you going to do, Lillian?" Elvira wondered.

"Nothing. I don't have to do anything. Nothing like back at the square. Just watch."

Oh, so she’s going to call in reinforcements to help them through, huh?

Confidently, the Sandslash strode out into the open. Elvira and Arian were still both apprehensive as they followed her into the open. They were somewhat confused by Lillian's apparent disposition of ease, wondering why she was so sure of herself this time.

They walked up the gate. It was the same two from two days before: a Krokorok and a Gligar.

Why is Lillian so confident about this? pondered Arian. ...I guess we'll find out what her plan is.

Ah yes, it’s Ishmael and his Gligar buddy whose name is eluding me. I suppose knowing that you’re going up to fellow plants would be helpful for just being totally shameless about these infiltration gambits.

They approached the guards. As they got closer, the Krokorok called out to them.

"Oi! No one gets through 'ere without payin' up!" he growled.

"That's right! And especially not the lot the Boss is looking for!" the Gligar added.

Arian and Elvira tensed. Oh no, we've been spotted! The Riolu readied a battle stance, and Elvira, upon seeing him, did the same. Weirdly enough, though...Lillian didn't do the same. The reasons for this were revealed upon her opening her mouth.

"Ha ha. Very funny, Ishmael," the Sandslash said. "You can drop the act now. There aren't any Thorned Roses around to see us."

Arian: “Wait a minute, these two are with you, too?”
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- Arian blinks and has a moment of realization after seeing Ishmael -
Arian: “Hey wait a minute, you two forced us to pay your stupid toll the other day!”
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"...Yeah, ya got that right," the Krokorok replied, suddenly sounding a lot less aggressive. "This shit's gettin' old. I've been gettin' cream crackered of sayin' that every time some drongo comes through 'ere."

"Same here," seconded the Gligar. "I want out. How much longer do we have to keep doing this?"

"Not too much longer, hopefully," Lillian assured. "The Chief said to me just before I came to collect these two that it wouldn't be long at all."

Elvira: “Wait, but what about Flora and Tamara-?” ._.
Lillian: “Again, I’ll take care of it. You just worry about getting to the Chief, alright?”

"You know each other?" a puzzled Elvira asked.

"Nah, never met this lassie 'fore in my life," Ishmael dismissed, before a smirk appeared on his muzzle. "Ha! Only messin'. Course I do. Chinas, us lot. We've known each other since we were lil' 'uns."

Wait, what is Ishmael’s accent based off of anyways? Since I’m not sure where ‘Chinas’ originates from as a colloquialism.

"Um, guys?" the Gligar piped up. "I hate to break up this conversation, but...y'know, we do need to cover for you, and...we can't exactly do that if you're still here."

"Oh, of course," Lillian acknowledged. "I'll come back once these two meet up with the Chief. He'll look after them."

"Yeah, the Chief's good at looking after others," the Gligar replied, his words directed at Arian and Elvira. "You won't be in any danger when he's around."

I’ll take “Words that won’t age well” for $400. Since since when are stories ever that easy?

"Yup. Yer right there, Ax. ...Dunno why 'e was so interested in ya lot, though," Ishmael said. "'Specially ya, Treecko."

"Me?" Elvira said.

"Yeah, the Chief was very curious about you, and asked a lot of questions," Lillian informed. "Of course, I couldn't answer them, 'cause I only met you today. But he seemed quite eager to meet you."

[ ]

"It must be him," Elvira murmured, after hearing this. "It has to be…"

IMO, it might make sense to have Elvira and/or Arian pause a bit at Ishmael’s answer as it starts to dawn on one or the other as to what’s going on.

"Looks like ya might know 'im," Ishmael remarked, before giving her a smile. "Go on, lassie. 'E's waitin' for ya, down in the old town."

"Yeah, go," encouraged Axel, the Gligar. "Before the Thorned Roses come up here. We'll cover you, don't worry."

"Thank you," Elvira said to both guards gratefully. "Let's go, Arian. Let's go meet him."

Arian: “... Wait, is this your dad, or…?”

[ ] The two walked out of the gate, followed by Lillian. Once they were beyond the gate and into the forested area, the Sandslash took off her Thorned Rose armband with pleasure.

"Ahh," she sighed happily. "Finally. I hate wearing that band. At least it's not much longer now, being in this stupid gang." She filed her armband away in her satchel.

Might merit having Arian have a bit more commentary internally about the prospect of meeting ‘him’ a bit more.

"I did not see that coming," Arian murmured. "Those two guards are your friends?"

"Yes. Ishmael, the Krokorok, and Axel, the Gligar, are my closest friends. We've known them since we were hatchlings," Lillian answered. "They're also my partners in Team Sandstream."

""Team Sandstream…" Arian noted. "Is that because you're all Ground-types?" He didn't know their types off by heart, but he did detect a sandy, earthy scent off them.

Oh, so Pokémon carry certain odors based off of the types that have in this setting, huh? I actually hadn’t noticed that up to this point, but it’s a neat little touch.

"Yeah. None of us actually have Sand Stream, though," Lillian said, with a light chuckle. "We just picked the name because it sounded cool."

"A cool name…" Elvira's thoughts drifted back to that morning's debate over their name.

"Were they the ones that set off the smoke bombs?" Arian wondered.

"Yep. Axel carries some just in case. You never know when you might need a bit of misdirection," the Sandslash reasoned.

"Fair enough." Arian shrugged, seeing nothing wrong with that logic.

Elvira: “I… don’t suppose that either of you two were able to whip up sound to throw off Lillian’s voice, were you?” ^^;
Axel: “Meh, they’re Thorned Roses. They’re not exactly the sharpest tools in the shed, I’m sure Lillian will be fine.”
"Ah. Here we are. The old crossroads."

It was the same crossroads that Arian and Elvira had been to two days prior. Only, on this occasion, they would go down the left path.

The three started down the path to the old town. But they had barely left the crossroads when…

"Oh? Well, well, well...What do we have here?"

Oh, well this is a positive™ turn of events already.

Arian and Elvira stiffened in terror. They knew that slimy, slithery voice, and all the hope they had built up vanished in an instant.

"So it's come to this, has it?" Mikhail said, as he crept from the bushes by the path and behind the trio. All three turned around to face him.

”So it’s come to this, has it?” he scoffed. "Collaborating with the duo the Boss demanded you apprehend, for one. Then you not only renounce your loyalty to the Boss, but prove yourself to be a traitorous urchin sent by your 'Chief' to spy on us."

I personally feel that Mik’s line works a bit better coming entirely after the description, especially if you choose to expand it by throwing in some aggressive body language such as him waving his sword-tail around or something like that.

His words were laced with rather more anger than in their last meeting. But they were aimed at Lillian, rather than Arian and Elvira.

"And if I did?" Though intimidated, the Sandslash stood her ground. "Surely the great and clever Mikhail must have suspected something? You are, after all, the grand tactician of the Thorned Roses. And yet you never saw the possibility of a traitor in your midst?"

The bit in underlined I think is communicated more effectively with some sort of note of Arian and Elvira noticing that Mik is paying attention specifically at Lillian and her reaction to it, since it’d be a bit more “show” and less “tell” that he’s specifically directing his gripes at her.

"Some nerve you have," hissed Mikhail, displeased with Lillian's teasing. "Filthy Alban cur! You never should've crept into our gang in the first place."

I mean, I kinda figured Lillian would have some sort of tie to Alba based off the names of her parents, though it’s nice to have confirmation here.

"Well, as it so happens, I did," Lillian taunted, wearing a smirk of superiority. It felt satisfying to have an edge over the slippery viper for once. "Now you have to live with the consequences. And one of those will be the fall of Hinnerk's rule over Ozerograd. Mark my words."

The Seviper didn't say anything to this at first. It seemed as though Lillian's words had hit their mark. The Sandslash prepared to turn around and resume their journey down to the quay, but stopped when she heard a snicker from Mikhail.

"...Keh."

"What's so funny?" Lillian demanded.

I mean, it was pretty bold of you to assume that Mik wouldn’t consider Hinnerk getting forced out to be an acceptable outcome so long as he benefitted from it, Lillian. Since I saw the way he was interacting with Hinnerk in his own throne room.

"Keh hah hah hah hah!" cackled the Seviper. "I bet you haven't realised the trap you're walking into, have you?"

"A trap?" echoed Arian. "What trap?"

"Wouldn't you like to know, Riolu?" Mikhail deviously replied. "But I wouldn't try and escape if I were you. After all, the lives of your partner's dear friends hangs in the balance. You wouldn't dare forsake her feelings, would you?"

Yeah, I just knew that Hinnerk and the gang were going to pull a hostage gambit. Even if I thought that they’d aim significantly closer to home to pull it off.

"My friends?"

Then it occurred to Elvira. [ ]

"You kidnapped Flora and Tamara! It was you who took them!"

IMO, it would probably make a bit more sense to show the wheels turning inside Elvira’s head as she slowly realizes that the entire reason why Tamara and Flora were snatched was because of her.

"Indeed it was," the Seviper replied, grinning maliciously. "And unless you come to the old town, then we will have absolutely no problem disposing of them."

Wait, but weren’t they already headed for the old town to begin with? ^^;

[ ]

"You wouldn't!" cried Elvira. "If you do that, I swear I'll…!" She clenched her hand in rage.

"Ha! As if you could do anything," scoffed Mikhail. "But by all means. We'll give you a chance. Come to the old town if you want to save your friend. And that goes for you too, Little Miss Turncoat." He directed this at Lillian. "One wrong move from you and their lives are forfeit."

IMO, Elvira growing enraged works better if it comes before her line, and probably along with some reaction from Arian, since this reaction is a bit different from the ones that she’s had thus far in town. Is he surprised at all to see Elvira get fiery about things when there’s a slippery eel on the other end directly needling her?

[ ]

"Fine," Lillian seethed. "I'll come."

[ ]

<><><>

The three walked down the road to the old town. They couldn't turn back, as Mikhail was edging them forward, and would block any escape attempts. The thought came to Elvira to potentially attack him three-on-one, but she dismissed it; that would only worsen her friends' jeopardy. The only thing she could do right now was walk into this trap that had been set up for them.

The bit between Lillian’s line and the following paragraph feels like it’s an abrupt enough jump that it could be a serviceable point for cleaving things into two separate scenes, especially if Mik gets in some sort of last word before marching everyone along.

They passed a sign reading 'Welcome to Ozerograd Quay'. It was the official name for the old town of Ozerograd, but colloquially, most people referred to it as 'the old town', or sometimes, 'the quay'.

The first part of the town was surprisingly enough, rows of berry fields which some Pokémon were working on. However, the sight of Mikhail made a number of them tense up, and work at a faster rate.

I’m guessing that a good chunk of those berry pickers are not working those fields of their own volition from that reaction. .-.

So the Thorned Roses have control here, too, Arian bitterly thought to himself. ...Honestly, when will this all stop? When will these people finally know the meaning of a normal life again?

Arian: “I mean, at this rate, I’m pretty sure that we’re about to die and I should probably be a bit more worried about that, but still.”
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Soon, the fields gave way to lines of houses reminiscent of a terraced street. Along with that, the street was wide, rather like a main street of a town. It was still very much reminiscent of a town, although Even so, Arian couldn't help but believe think it didn't have half the grandeur of the new town of Ozerograd.

He could feel from the emotional waves rolling off their bodies that he and Elvira were sharing the same feeling of dread was shared by him and Elvira. They were walking into a trap that they looked to have no way out of. As well as that, they were to face Hinnerk, an infamous figure of menace who lorded over Ozerograd and the surrounding oblast. Arian shivered at this. If Mikhail was devilish, his superior was likely to be far worse.

Some suggestions for a rephrasing here. Though nah, from what we saw of Hinnerk’s introduction, I’d legitimately be surprised if he were more clever than Mik, or at least clever without the handicaps of his own hedonism opening up exploitable weaknesses.

Before long, the street narrowed into a small quayside area. A number of small boats and their oars lay anchored at the water's edge. The road they were walking on also had an end that led to a wide pier. And on that pier, lay three figures were waiting for them.

One was the imposing figure of an Obstagoon. The others were the much smaller figures of a Petilil and a Pachirisu. As they got closer, it was noted, much to Elvira's horror, that they were tied, and gags had been put over their mouths to prevent them from talking.

Elvira: “F-Flora! Tamara!
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Riolu: “(Psst, Lillian, we do have a way of getting out of this one, right?)”
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"They've come, Boss," Mikhail announced, slithering in front of the trio and making his way to his boss. "Like a Mothim to flame, they've come right to us."

"Good work, Mikhail," praised Hinnerk. He then turned his attention to the three behind him, and on Elvira in particular. "Well well well. If it isn't Kallias's little pride and joy. To think you were right under my nose all this time…"

I mean, at least they didn’t figure out where Elvira’s mom lived? Since that’s really the only thing missing to twist the knife harder right about now.

"...Hinnerk," Elvira said, trying but failing to sound brave. The Obstagoon had that kind of presence. "Why have you done this? Why have you kidnapped my friendsTamara?"

"Isn't it obvious?" replied the Thorned Roses' leader. "Mercenaries have a bleeding heart for every little thing. Kallias was like that to a T. If you're anything like him, then you would come running if you'd found out I'd taken people hostage. Especially if it was one of your friends," he elaborated, an evil smirk on his face.

Mik: “... Which for the record was a very dangerous assumption to make, but hey, if it worked, it worked.” >v-v>

[ ]

"You're sick!" Elvira condemned. "How can people like you live knowing all the horrible things you've done? That's not even going into all those evictions, and the people are going to rob people of a roof over their heads!"

Hinnerk: “Well, the booze and free stuff certainly doesn’t hurt. Really, it’s more of the cherry on top of seeing peasants like you squirm.” [gardeshrug]

"And you spiriting away people mysteriously too!" Arian butted in. "What are you doing to them, Hinnerk?! Where are you taking them?"

[ ]

"Wouldn't you like to know?" taunted Hinnerk. "I bet you wanna save them all, don't you?"

"You bet we will!"

Hinnerk:
bender-laughing.gif


[ ]

"Hah! Look at you, so full of confidence!" The Obstagoon snickered. "Of course, you live in an airy-fairy world where justice prevails and evil's always brought to its knees. I bet your dear old daddy taught you that, and you wanna be a hero just like him, don't you?" he said to Elvira, his voice sickeningly sweet.

Oh hey, it’s almost literally the Bender meme in action. Even if it’d have been nice to see a bit more of the visuals explictly written out.

"That's…" Elvira, taken aback, struggled to muster a reply, realising that the Obstagoon had hit the nail on the head.

[ ]

"Okay, I've noticed something already," Arian interjected. "It's not even been a minute and yet you won't stop going on about Kallias. Is there some history between you two or what?"

Well, there was that time that Kallias wrecked Hinnerk’s drug deal or whatever that was and made him just about piss himself in a back alley, but Hinnerk is probably not going to go into detail about that since I kinda gathered that that was a sore spot for him.

"...Fernblade Kallias was the bane of my existence," Hinnerk answered, his look souring at the mention of the Sceptile. "Him and Mud Bomber Melchior...It's because of the snooping of Team Marshwood seven years ago, that the life I led came crashing down in an instant. If he hadn't snooped his nose into my business like he always did, then I'd be living the good life. Tenacious bastard!" he raged.

Oh hey, so things did get worse for Hinnerk beyond that one flashback. Though I remain convinced that Hinnerk’s old lifestyle could basically be summed up as:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AuSdjrDG2c


[ ]

"That was because you dealt in smuggling and involved yourself in a nefarious plot!" Elvira replied, her fury growing. "You were a hardened criminal! My dad's job was to hunt down people like you and bring them to justice! And he did just that with you!"

Close enough, really. Though I’m honestly a little surprised to find out that Kallias shared war stories about the bounties he bagged with his child.

[ ]

"Hold on a minute!" Arian cut in. "You mean...your dad actually caught this guy? And he was a smuggler?"

"He did," Elvira told him. "Dad and Melchior investigated what he was involved in and were able to expose a huge plot that involved an attempted mass murder and assassination of the royal family. It was that very mission that earned them Grandmaster Rank. It's reserved only for the truly exceptional - and they rightfully earned it through that."

Arian: “I’m sorry, but how do you go from smuggling to attempted regicide again?”
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"Grandmaster," spat Hinnerk. "An honour wasted on men like them! Why accept that, but deny everything else? They were offered knighthoods, estates, lordships - the kind of things people would kill for! What a waste, saying no to all that glitz and glory!

[ ]

Honours are wasted on people like them! People like me, who would actually use such power to its fullest - they belong to us! Not them!"

Why am I getting the vibe that Hinnerk was the equivalent of one of those petty Saudi princes that got caught smuggling drugs in a private jet or something like that? Since for a smuggler, this guy sure knows a thing or two about the trappings of noble life, almost as if he were raised in or around them.

"The people of Ozerograd would look at that a little differently," Lillian snarked. "Tell that to them and see how far you get."

"You - " Hinnerk stopped, realising he recognised the Sandslash. "You're one of my grunts."

[ ] Realisation struck him then.

"You double-crossing bitch! How dare you betray me!"

I think that it probably makes sense to more explicitly note Hinnerk’s mood taking a turn from gloating mode to being enraged here as that moment of realization sinks in.

"It would seem she was planning this all along," Mikhail elaborated. "And it's not just her. She has two accomplices with her who infiltrated the Thorned Roses. And they're all beholden to someone they refer to as 'the Chief'. ...Someone who wishes to bring down the Thorned Roses, no doubt."

"You're damn right," Lillian proclaimed. "The Chief knows about all you've done here. But he knows about your activities in that plot seven years ago. All the more reason that the likes of you should be locked away forever."

Which is probably going to be a sign that Hinnerk won’t take seeing this ‘Chief’ in action particularly well, but…

"The Chief, huh?" Hinnerk growled. "A secret identity, I bet. Doesn't matter! I know exactly who your 'Chief' is!"

"Y-You do?" Arian said, panicked. Does he know? They wanted it to be a secret…Oh no, no, no...

"Of course I do," the Obstagoon replied, teeth bared in fury. "It's that bastard Kallias! That's who!"

I mean, it was either that or Melchior. Though I suppose it’s time to find out one way or another.

Both Arian and Elvira stiffened in an instant. Crap! He knows! the former thought. [ ]

"Hah! It seems I'm right," said Hinnerk, noticing the duo tense up. "Who else could it be? It all makes sense now. That's why his little girl and her partner trekked all the way out here, escorted by a lackey of his. After five years of disappearing off the face of Ardalion, this is how that rat's going to return and be the hero once again, by laying waste to my gang."

He curled his lips in a snarl. "That's exactly the kind of scenario scheme he'd enact pull. It's too perfect. The bastard's going to do just that."

I mean, again, it could be Melchior, even if I’m not inclined to bet against Elvira’s intuition here.

"..." Elvira said nothing, so as not to risk giving anything away. But the Thorned Roses' leader's rant gave her food for thought. Is that really his plan? That does sound like something Dad would do...

"But I know the perfect way to get revenge on him." Hinnerk's devilish grin returned once again. "Kallias is a prick who prides himself on being selfless. As long as the ones he loves are safe, that's all that matters. ...So what if his loving daughter were sent straight to hell's gates?" He grinned evilly as he shot a leer at Elvira.

[ ]

"You're going to kill Elvira?" Arian assessed, gritting his teeth in anger.

Hinnerk: “No, I’m going to throw her a bloody party! Of course I’m going to kill her, you dense mutt!”

"Of course! That would destroy Kallias more than anything, if his daughter were to die at my hands!" Hinnerk chortled. "It's the perfect revenge! Not defeating him, but killing his little pride and joy! What better way to crush him than by snuffing your life out?"

That sounds more like a way to become a taxidermy display, but you do you, Hinnerk.

[ ]

"That's not going to happen," Arian boldly declared, holding out his arm defensively in front of Elvira. "Not while I'm here. I won't let you kill Elvira!"

Hinnerk:
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Arian: “I won’t, okay?!”
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"So you're her chosen partner, are you?" Hinnerk's lips curled in disgust. "Doesn't matter. I'll kill you just the same. And you too, you traitorous wench!" he shouted at Lillian.

[ ]

"You monster," Elvira said, shaking her fist. "Only a monster could talk about killing someone in as light a manner as you have. You're the very reason mercenaries live and breathe."

"You've escaped justice for too long, Hinnerk!" Lillian said to him. "But you can't run any longer!"

Hinnerk: “Ah yes, the stock heroic spiel that I’ve heard for the hundredth time in my life before brutally slaughtering the ‘mon that wouldn’t shut up. How touching.”
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Hinnerk looked down at the three, all with fiery and determined looks on their faces. He wasn't impressed or even threatened by what he saw. The three before him were young, two of them barely even young adults. It was a typical example of the daredevil attitude of people their age, always rushing in without any sort of contingency plan for if things went wrong.

The sight of it was pitiable, in his eyes. And so, knowing what he knew, he did the only thing he could find it in him to do.

Laugh.

"Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" he guffawed. "Hah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" He had to hold his chest from how hard he was laughing.

Hinnerk: “But really, we’re wasting time right now. It’s nigh time that Mik and I went ahead and made your insides your outsides.”

"And just what exactly is so funny?" demanded Arian, feeling his anger grow at the Obstagoon's laughter.

Lillian, however, looked from Hinnerk laughing his sides off to Mikhail, who was still smiling devilishly, and to Flora and Tamara, whose eyes were full of fear. All three of these made her realise something.

They know something we don't.

They didn’t come alone for this ambush, did they? Since this feels like the sort of gloating someone would do if they’ve got the equivalent of snipers overlooking from all the surrounding rooftops.

"...You don't even realise it, do you?" Hinnerk said, once he'd composed himself enough. "Are you forgetting who I am?"

Where's this confidence coming from? Elvira wondered. Soon enough, she also found herself thinking the same thought as Lillian: They know something.

"You're forgetting that I'm the leader of the Thorned Roses. And whenever I want to, I can summon men on a whim to serve my every need. Like right now."

Yeah, I knew it. Though I wonder if the “They know something” thought is redundant to the one that happened in just the prior block.

Hinnerk then clicked his claws.

"Come out, boys! It's time to play!"

And then, from the rooftops of the pierside houses behind Arian, Elvira and Lillian, a number of Thorned Roses appeared, and jumped down, landing on the pier's approach. Their appearance prevented any path of escape for the three of them. And every one of them looked geared up and ready for a fight.

Yuuuuuuuuuup.

Hinnerk: “Checkmate, chumps.”
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All three's previously determined faces faltered once they saw what situation they were in. [ ]

"Heh." Hinnerk smirked. "And just like that, your hope withers to nothing."

Hinnerk: “Something something ‘no room for hope’, something something ‘only despair’. Really, it’s about time that we pasted you against this pier.”

[ ]

"Crap. This isn't good," Arian remarked, looking around him. "We're in a bad situation here…"

"Outnumbered and with no escape route," Lillian agreed. "A right pickle, this is."

Lillian: “(Just saying, Chief. If you’re really in this dump, now would be a really good time to come and bail us out right now.)”
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"..." Elvira felt similarly to her compatriots stared ahead blankly. Right now then, it all seemed hopeless. Hinnerk had them cornered, and there was little chance of escape or victory through battling. She and Arian were only novices, and they faced a hardened criminal, his crafty tactician, and a horde of no less than six of his lackeys. Even with Lillian's help, it would be an arduous challenge, to say the least. Was victory even possible?

"I hate being powerless."

Her own words came back to her, the same ones she'd spoken to Arian the day before in Cyan Cove. It reflected her very frustrations with her own hesitance; as Selenia descended into authoritarianism and Hinnerk took over Ozerograd, she could do nothing. And she had done nothing. She had simply watched, paralysed by her indecisiveness.

Ah yes, the “if I’m gonna go down, I’m gonna go down swinging” resolution. You can’t say that it doesn’t make for good drama in a story.

Why do I have to be this way? she thought to herself. Why must I be the weak one? I vowed to become a mercenary, and even now...I've been frightened of the Thorned Roses and Hinnerk. I shouldn't be doing this. A mercenary's meant to be fearless.

Images of her father flashed through her mind, his stories of returning victorious from seemingly unwinnable matchups victorious coming back to her. He was the ultimate epitome of what a mercenary should be, in her eyes.

Citation needed on that ‘fearless’ bit, really. Since I’ve read enough stories to know that it’s ultimately not the absence of fear that is the marker of bravery.

A mercenary's meant to bring justice to those who don't know its meaning. People like him. Her gaze fell upon Hinnerk, the very person who'd caused all of the strife in her town for the last five years.

"When will this cycle end?"

"When someone stands up to him. Someone has to."

Elvira: “I get that I’m psyching myself up right now, but boy this would be so much more effective if we at least had a Totter Orb or something like that.”
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Her conversation with Arian when they were in Blossoming Meadow was also relayed back to her. Back then, she'd had that similar hesitance, for she had cited Hinnerk's strength and the speed of his gang in putting down potential rebellions.

But now, standing in front of him, different thoughts came to her mind.

He's my enemy. Him and all of his henchmen. They've terrorised the people of Ozerograd, evicted its people from their homes, made people disappear and now he's kidnapped my best friends. And this drought of justice…it's gone on for too long. It's high time for him to be brought to his knees.

Elvira: “... Even if I don’t have the faintest clue as to how exactly we’re going to manage that right now.”
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"So what's it to be?" Hinnerk said. "There's only two choices, really. Either you fight me and I kill you. Or...you could get on your knees and beg.

[ ]

...Who knows? I might just take pity on you and let you live. Maybe even let you three be my personal servants. I could always use more servants for more…specialised purposes." He looked over at Elvira and Lillian specifically, and gave his lips a salacious lick.

Ah yes, the surest sign that Hinnerk has maybe three to five chapters of life to work with, if that. Since there’s very few villains out there that telegraph a willingness to go there without getting brutally retired in short order.

[ ]

"You're sick!" Lillian shouted, understanding all the connotations and reacting accordingly.

IMO, it probably makes sense to show Lillian understand what Hinnerk’s getting at through her reaction along with Arian if they understand. Since that’s definitely going to startle them.

"Ignore him, Lillian," Elvira said.

Suddenly, her voice sounded more resolute and confident. An idea had made itself known in her head, and she sought to try it out. It's risky, incredibly risky…but if it works, the odds may tilt a little more in our favour.

"We don't have to listen to the words of a weakling like him."

I kinda wonder if there should be a bit more of an explicit hint at what idea is crossing Elvira’s mind, since I am actually not sure what she’s getting at here.

"Weakling?" And as desired, Hinnerk took the bait. "You're calling me a weakling, you stupid girl?"

"Yes, I am," the Treecko replied, remaining calm and collected. "Look at your gang, for one thing. You have to hire all of these men to keep hold onto your power in check for you. Are you sure it's not just a way of compensating for your weakness own lack of strength?"

Ah, so she’s hititng at Hinnerk’s pride. Clever girl. Though I’d recommend shifting some phrasing around in order to avoid repeating variations of “weak” in rapid succession too frequently.

[ ]

"You're calling me weak?" the Obstagoon growled. "Do you have any idea who you face? I'm the boss of the Thorned Roses! You should be cowering in fear before me!"

"But I'm not," Elvira pointed out. "Because I know your secret. You're not really that powerful, are you? You're just a pushover who hides behind his henchmen and creates a climate of fear to disguise the fact that you have no strength at all."

Shots fired. Though yeah, it probably makes sense to describe Hinnerk losing it a bit more explicitly in terms of his mood.

"Hey! Don't talk shit about the Boss, you bitch!" called out one Thorned Rose, an Electabuzz.

"Yeah! He overthrew the lord of this place!" piped up another, a Primeape. "Someone weak couldn't possibly do that!"

Not if they were cheap and just used poison.

"Oh yes, they could," argued Lillian, who saw what Elvira's plan was and decided to join in. "Selenian lords aren't a strong lot. If they're crafty enough, even a weak idiot like Hinnerk would be able to sneak in and assassinate the lord. And I know for a fact that Mikhail was by his side at the time. Surely you're not denying that, are you?" she asked, aiming the question at the Seviper.

"You're bluffing," Mikhail replied, dodging the question. "Is this what you've stooped to? You clearly realise victory is impossible, you take to waste your breath hurling false insults at the Boss?" He gave an angry hiss. "Why must traitors and rebels be such a troublesome lot?"

I’m honestly a bit surprised that Mik isn’t just plunging in the knife on Hinnerk right now, since this seems like a fantastic opportunity to take over the Thorned Roses. Though I suppose he either needs Hinnerk still, or he’s got his own limitations that he’s aware of.

"Oh, really? You think we're bluffing?" By this stage, Arian had understood Elvira's plan as well. "Then prove it! If you're so strong, then you should easily be able to wipe the floor with us, without any help from your men! Go on! I dare you! I double dare you, Hinnerk!"

"...Grrr...you…" the Obstagoon snarled, his teeth bared in anger.

Who does this Riolu think he is? That wench sure found an irritating partner to side with. ...I could just send the men against them, but…no. All three of them...I want to make them suffer. Each and every one of them. A traitor, an irritant, and Kallias's spawn. They don't know for one minute who they're dealing with.

Just saying, if Hinnerk had the foresight to bring a decent loadout of dungeon items, y’all are gonna die. Though then again, Mik did always seem to be the brains of the duo, so I’ll take the under on that.

And if all else fails and I am somehow beaten...I do have two back-up plans in mind.

Hinnerk grinned evilly. That'd make the boldness fade from their eyes and let despair take its place.

"...So you believe I'm weak, do you?" Hinnerk said, a challenging glare in his eyes. "How about I show you just how wrong you are? I'll play along with your little game. And you three will all know what a mistake you've made in challenging me." He looked across to the Thorned Roses behind the trio. "Stand by, men. I'll handle these runts."

Mikhail: “Hinnerk, don’t listen to them. They’re clearly stalling for time-”
Hinnerk: “I said, ‘stand by, men’.”
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Mikhail: “... As you wish, Hinnerk.”

"Yes, Boss!" yelled one of them, a Fraxure yelled.

"Beat them! Show 'em why you're the Boss around here!" another one, an Umbreon, seconded.

"You can do it, Boss!" encouraged another, a Golbat. "They're nothing compared to you!"

Mikhail: “
giphy.gif

Yup, go and get ‘em, Hinnerk.”

While they were doing cheering on Hinnerk, and Hinnerk was soaking the Obstagoon soaked in the acclamation of his men, Elvira leaned over to Arian.

"Listen, Arian. I know this may not be the best time, but…" Her voice dropped to a whisper as she said something to him.

"That's a good idea, Elvira," the Riolu whispered back, his eyes lighting up at her suggestion. "We'll try that when we beat him. But do you think we can win?"

Elvira: “I don’t know, but it’s going to be a really short story if we don’t.”
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"I'm really not sure," the Treecko admitted. "In fact, I don't know if we can win. ...But we have to try. As you said, someone has to stand up to him. And are you willing to lay down and surrender to someone like him?"

"No way in hell," denied Arian. "I'll fight till the end."

"And so will I," Lillian added. "We won't stand for this anymore. It's about time he was someone brought Hinnerk to his knees. And I want a slice of that pie."

Arian: “Just saying, I would feel a lot more confident about this if I knew that the Chief who’s somewhere in town would catch up with us for backup.”
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"Thanks, Lillian. Glad you have our backs," Elvira responded gratefully.

"Hey! You gonna fight me or what?" Hinnerk's voice broke through their conversation. "You've had enough time for a pep talk!"

Mikhail: “For the record, you’re still an idiot for agreeing to this, Hinnerk.”
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Hinnerk: “Oh shut up, Mik. It’s two ankle-biters and a grunt. I can handle two ankle-biters and a grunt!” >:(

"Oh, don't worry. We were ready all this time," assured Lillian.

"Bring it on, Hinnerk!" Arian yelled. "We're going to bring you down, right here and right now!"

"This is for Ozerograd!" Elvira called. "This is for all the people who've had to live under your cruel reign.

Elvira: “... (Dad, if you’re really out there somewhere in this town, you showing up would be really, really handy sometime right about now.)”
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"Tch. Look at them." Hinnerk then turned to Mikhail, who was watching the bound Tamara off to the side. "Look after the girls, Mikhail. Make sure they don't escape while we're not looking."

"With pleasure," the Seviper obliged.

"Good." The Obstagoon then turned back to the trio, and looked down on them with a sneer. "Arrogant brats. You'll know your place soon enough. You'll know the terror that is Hinnerk, leader of the Thorned Roses."

Whelp, this isn’t going to end well for somebody, and based off the chapter count, I already know that it’s not Arian and Elvira.

Whew, that was certainly a chunky read there. As you can gather, I had quite a bit to say for a chapter that had quite a bit of content, but I’ll try and cut to the chase of things until you have time to sift through the line-by-line more thoroughly.

First off, for all the criticisms that I had to throw at this chapter in the line-by-line, there’s genuinely quite a bit going for it. There was a good sense of dramatic buildup and you did a pretty good job at getting readers invested in what was going on in moments like when Arian and Elvira get a firsthand view of the evictions happening in Ozerograd. I’m honestly surprised at how quickly things are moving around, since we’ve gone from Hinnerk plotting against Elvira to them getting cornered by Hinnerk and the Thorned Roses and going straight into battle. I’ll admit that I hadn’t been fully expecting that, but it does lean in pretty well into the sense that the Thorned Roses are more dangerous opponents than one might assume from the likes of Viv and Bruno. The characterization is pretty good, too, as you do a good job of keeping the characters feeling distinct from each other. Lillian is a nice addition to the cast, and assuming that she sticks around, I’m sure she’ll be a fun addition to the roster. And the way Hinnerk reveals himself to be a depraved eel as always, while the way he gets talked into not slaughtering Arian and the gang right away feels pretty consistent with how he’s been shown as a small and petty ‘mon who’d absolutely try to prove a point for the sake of his pride in past chapters.

As for weaknesses, a lot of the ones involving description or “show and not tell” and the like are still here from prior chapters, so I’ll spare my breath there since the line-by-line goes into quite a bit of detail about that and it’s a bit of a known quantity in favor of focusing on things specific to this chapter. The first thing that stood out to me was that the flashback scene in which Arian and Elvira start thinking of team names… I’m not really sure if it needed to be one. Like if you had yeeted the opening short scene to the beginning of the third scene and just done the flashback scene in real-time with more description, it’d have still felt very natural, and like a logical followup to the note the last chapter ended on.

There were also a couple parts that I thought were a bit inconsistent or else I wasn’t sure if I followed the logic on. Like for the letter that Zenobia is given, it’s very explicitly mentioned that the sender attempted to hide his identity and instructed the reader(s) to not mention it to others. At the same time… was there anything really preventing Zenobia from just sharing the letter itself to Elvira as a “if you know, you know” thing? Since either she’d recognize the handwriting and ID it as from Kallias(?), or else she wouldn’t, and if she attempted to press Zenobia of “really, who sent this?” there’s simply the instruction of “don’t say who sent the letter” on there to fall back to. I also thought that Arian’s aura sensitivity was a bit unevenly utilized as a plot tool. Like there’s times when he’s clearly mentioned picking up specific emotions from Elvira or Ozerograd at large, but also not in times when you’d think that Arian would at least want to try to get a feel for others’ emotions, and other times when stuff gets left on the table because of it. Like for instance, his decision to trust Lillian’s claims to be a double agent in the Thorned Roses would be a lot more plausible if he picks up specific vibes from her that help convince him “yeah, she’s telling the truth”. While at the same time, there are other moments where Arian picking up certain emotional vibes can help set a scene… which happened at some moments like when they went into Ozerograd and he sensed something was really wrong, but it doesn’t in other scenes. Like for example, the exchange with Hinnerk has a chance to become a lot more creepy and intimidating if he can get vibes from Hinnerk that feel markedly malicious or like they might as well be coming from a starving Mightyena that found a corpse.

Lastly, while it’s potentially getting into “throwing stones from glass houses” territory, the chapter was long, long enough that if you overhauled things with more description, the end product would likely be long enough to justify shipping things as two separate chapters. From a rough eyeballing, a decent breaking point would be somewhere right after Arian and the gang move along from Tamara’s parents getting evicted since A: there’s a spot right afterwards that feels like it could easily be hacked off into its own scene anyways, B: it would split the content of what’s there before any additions in a roughly 5500-6500 split wordwise, which would ramp up quickly for both parts with more descriptions added. I can’t say that I’d fault you for sticking to your guns even if you went back to touch things up, but it’s something worth considering, at least.

But all-in-all, I still had a good time with this story and it’s been fun getting back into things, @Arukona . I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to get back into things this Review Blitz (though I did have a partially-started review of Chapter 9 in the oven), but I’m definitely interested in coming back and seeing how you’ve evolved as things get deeper into the narrative.
 

Ambyssin

Gotta go back. Back to the past.
Location
Residency hell
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. silvally-dragon
  2. necrozma-ultra
  3. milotic
  4. zoroark-soda
  5. dreepy
  6. mewtwo-ambyssin
I think there was a bit of improvement here. Far less thought-as-dialogue and the POV seemed mostly centered on Arian. This included during the skirmishes that followed. Which, yes, are mook fights and did still take up a significant chunk of the chapter with the ending already promising us more combat to come next part and the backstab ambush lying in wait for them as soon as that happens. But many of the 'mon were going down rather quickly and sounding the retreat. Which was much nicer. And, look, you were able to progress a good ways with a chapter count that's shorter than earlier parts that served to move the plot forward less. That's a good sign. More of that.

Now it would be nifty if, instead, this ending is bait and diplomacy does ensue that leads to the group's allegiance flipping and somehow managing to spring a trap on the Selenians preparing their trap for the team. But I have my doubts that is what will happen.

and yet the Riolu still hadn't fully adjusted to the new routine of waking before the sun rose
Bruh you're ex-human, you did this on a regular basis to work your underpaying job.
but I kinda want to experience it officially. Maybe we'll get that when we beat Mitrofan…
I'm taking the under on that one. Ain't no way guilds will return to business as usual once this story's done.
And we got assurances from her that there would be no backstabbing
Which means there will be backstabbing coming in three... two... one...
"Do not leave me in the dark!"
"But it's still dark out! And you're a dark-type!"
He's a prince with high standards
Tell him you can cook spaghetti.
We're telling it right to your face instead!
1669106690588

"Don't thank me, thank Yannie! He got it for you, after all," Sabrina said.
Yeah, suuuuuuure he did, Kronya.
Now, he had two new moves at his disposal
It's never that simple. You've got to practice learning how to use the move and—
The reports seem to suggest that Chief Uther is the primary instigator of these raids, so it would be best to go against him, I think.
In before other nations (like the one from the last chapter) have played a role in this or fanned the flames of the conflict.
"Yer no fun." The Excadrill pouted
I'd say I like her, but she's definitely about to—
There was the thump of a creaky wooden door opening, and out stepped a familiar Nidoqueen.
—Oh, hey, look, it's the backstab! I kiiiiiiind of wish you hadn't shown this. Since, uh, now we as the audience firmly expect this to happen. So, the element of surprise is completely lost there for me.
Arian being the last one to do so.

As they made their way in, a figure from afar watched them through its lone eye.
I have a similar thought process about these little cutaways. Especially since this chapter seemed to skew toward third-person limited instead. It's jarring to pull away like you did here. If anything, it's entirely unnecessary, since someone later remarks about how they must've known they were coming after the group's ambushed.
The Annwynites could hear us if we argue too loudly.
A bit late for that warning.
For fuck's sake
LANGUAGE :screm:
running forward and slamming his electrified fist into his nearest opponent
—Or it could just literally be as simple as "apply directly to forehead for instant move mastery" like in the canon. 0/10 no realism whatsoever.
They don't call me Firebird Culhwch
I imagine another clansmon in the back just shouting "NOBODY CALLS YOU THAT, DUMBARSE!"
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, I was actually admittedly waffling a bit on whether or not I wanted to continue Dual Wills for Review Blitz since it’s admittedly a bit up there for a reading commitment in a timed event, but I had enough fun with Chapter 8 that I decided to throw caution to the wind and just do it.

You left us off on a bit of a cliffhanger last time. Let’s check back in and see how things are going, huh?

Chapter 9

Hinnerk considered himself to be someone who was prepared to face off any threat. The fact that he had been in this position for five long years with only a few challenges to his leadership was proof of this, and the easy putting down quashing of the rebellions that had occasionally popped up was proof to himself of his readiness to combat threats, in his mind. It was all the better for him, as it meant his image as a tough, wily leader was cemented among the people of Ozerograd, and he could continue his life of luxury in peace.

Translation: Hinnerk’s gone so long without a serious challenge that he’s lost grasp of his own limitations as a ‘mon.

But never had he been challenged in such a way like Elvira had done; in order to prove he wasn't a weakling. Like Mikhail, he could see they were bluffing in order to find a way out of the precarious situation they had found themselves in.

But it was the way Elvira had spoken to him - the mocking, teasing words designed to goad - that he could not turn a blind eye to. Those clever, sly strategies to get out of seemingly unwinnable situations was a tactic Team Marshwood were known for, and specifically, it was Kallias and his cunning that came up with such schemes them. That had to have rubbed off on the Sceptile's daughter.

Some suggested phrasing tweaks for this section.

Mikhail: “Hinnerk, that’s literally all the more reason to just let us mob these three and tear them apart-!” >v-v>
Hinnerk: “Shut up, Mik! I know what I’m doing!”

And similarly hard to ignore was the challenge of Arian to prove he wasn't weak. He had never met this mysterious green-eyed freak of a Riolu before, but something about him ticked the Obstagoon off. Whether it was his odd green irises, his association the fact he was so close with Elvira, or his arrogance in challenging him to a duel, the Riolu was proving to be quite a pest, and one he'd be all too happy to remove from the picture.

And a similar story could be had with Lillian. Traitors and backstabbers were people he couldn't stand, and should one arise in the Thorned Roses, he would demand their life become forfeit. Thus, he would gladly kill Lillian for the traitor she was being foolish enough to cross him.

And ditto here.

All three proved to be a great threat to him. And so, once their duel started, he was the first one to engage in combat, making a beeline for them. Arian was the first one he went for, and lunged for him in a Submission attack.

Waaaaaait, what specifically does Hinnerk consider threatening about them? Since I got the vibe that he didn’t think that Arian and the gang were particularly strong. e.x. Is it allowing their challenge to stand that’s so dangerous to him? And what his underlings might say if they started believing Arian et al’s words that he needed an entire mob of underlings to put down two kids and one rouge grunt? If so, it might make sense to say that more explicitly.

"Ah!" Arian was caught off guard, and suffered for it, taking all the blows the Obstagoon dealt to him. It was a devastating attack in which the Riolu was greatly hurt, acquiring a number of bruises and cuts across his body.

I’m not really feeling the after-the-fact framing of Hinnerk’s attack here. It probably makes sense to describe the blow-by-blow a bit more. e.x. as a throwaway example:

"Ah!"

Hinnerk lunged forward and caught Arian off guard, knocking the Riolu over and pummeling him over and over again with the heavy blows of his Submission. Every strike drew dull thuds and cracks, as the Riolu eventually pulled himself free and bolted, now sporting bruises and cuts across his body.

Or something like that. There’s room for alternative approaches.

"Arian!" cried Elvira, once she saw her partner's condition. "Take this, Hinnerk!" She used a Mega Drain on him, which she found she had learned during the trek through Cyan Cove.

However, the attack didn't phase the Obstagoon as much as she'd hoped. It did something, but Hinnerk, if anything, had garnered more pain through the recoil from his Submission attack.

I’m just going to pre-empt the future cases of it in this review since it has been a running point of criticism for depictions of battles thus far in this story, but yeah. Less after the fact mentions and more blow-by-blow descriptions for your attacks if they’re meant to be front and center.

Elvira:
giphy.gif

Hinnerk: “No, no, I’m looking forward to this, wench.”
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"Ha! Call that an attack?" he mocked. "Should've stayed at home, girl! Not enough dolls in the house to keep you interested, is that it?"

"Shut up! You don't know anything about me!" the Treecko yelled. She charged toward him, intent on landing a Quick Attack. However…

Hinnerk, cross-armed, let loose a shout that made her flinch and stop her cold in her tracks.

Elvira: “Gah! My ears!
785236251842052096.webp

Hinnerk: “Hah! That’s seriously all it takes to trip you up, girlie? You might as well just roll over so that way I can get this over with!”
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"...Obstruct," Lillian observed. "...It would be only natural for an Obstagoon like Hinnerk to have such a move…"

"...Pathetic," Hinnerk scoffed at Elvira's flinching. He followed up his Obstruct with a Night Slash, and knocked Elvira back, where she landed at Arian's feet.

I’m surprised that Lillian didn’t run in and attempt to interfere, since you’d think that she’s very cognizant that barring an unexpected X-factor, that she’s the best-equipped member of the team to tank hits from Hinnerk at the moment.

"Elvira! Are you alright?" the worried Riolu asked, helping her up.

"...Could be better," Elvira groaned, clutching her side where Hinnerk had struck.

"...Is that really the best you've got?" Hinnerk taunted. "What, was Kallias so focused on his mercenary work that he didn't have time to pass his skills onto his only daughter? Some parenting that is! He might've been a hero, but he sure as hell was a crap parent!"

Elvira:
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Hinnerk: “Ooh, hit a nerve, did I? Well, prove me wrong, kiddo!”
1011010647670149280.webp


"Don't you dare talk that way about my dad!" shouted Elvira angrily. She tried to run towards Hinnerk to attack him, but Lillian called out to her.

Yeah, I knew she wouldn’t take that well. And this totally will not end well.

"Wait, Elvira!" she interjected. "This is what Hinnerk wants from you. He wants you to be all riled up and angry. Because when you're pissed off like that, it makes easier pickings for him. We did that to him, but that doesn't mean we're immune to him doing it to us. Someone as devious as Hinnerk has tricks like that up his sleeve. We have to think around this."

She dug into her bag and got out two oran berries. "Take them. Let's just pretend that didn't happen, and start again."

Hinnerk: “I’m right here, you know!” >_>;
Lillian: “Yeah, well you’re the one who let yourself get talked into a 3v1, so you clearly were never the sharpest tool in the shed.”
Hinnerk: “Why you-!”

"Thanks," Arian accepted, and he and Elvira munched on their berries, feeling their wounds begin to heal. As this happened, the Treecko pondered their strategy against Hinnerk.

… Wait, how do they even have time to do this? Since wouldn’t Hinnerk logically not let up on attacking the group unless he very deliberately sought out environmental cover after trying to bait Elvira to follow him?

How to go about this? Hmm…a one-on-one strategy wouldn't work like it did back in Verdant Woods. Hinnerk's bigger and stronger than any of us. For this battle…a team effort's needed between Arian and I. And Arian, a Fighting-type against him…might be the best shot we have.

"Those oran berries won't save you," Hinnerk said to them. "One hit and you're already grasping for them. Did you really think I'd be a pushover? Stupid idiot mercs!"

I do wonder if Hinnerk should’ve more obviously been attempting some sort of attack in the background if he saw that Elvira and the others didn’t take the bait. e.x. Hone Claws if his goal is to bury Arian and the gang as quick as possible, since as it stands, it just feels like he’s kinda standing there and biding his time instead of pursuing openings.

"We never thought you would be," Elvira replied. "But you're far from invincible! With me, Arian!" She ran forward and attacked with Mega Drain once again.

"You tried that already," Hinnerk ridiculed, once again barely phased by the move. "Out of tricks already, are we?"

"No," Elvira denied. "I've only just begun unleashing my 'tricks'. Besides, it's not me who you should look out for." As she said this, Arian passed her by, Force Palm at the ready.

Ah yes, diversionary tactics. Clever girl, there.

"Take this!" he cried, moving in to strike the Obstagoon. The hit landed, and Hinnerk staggered back slightly, surprising the Riolu.

"That…did more than I expected," he remarked.

Hinnerk: “H-Hah! You call that a hit! That was barely a tickle-!”
- Cue cricking noise -
Hinnerk: “Gah, of all the times for my stupid back to act up.”
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"You're more powerful against him than I am, Arian," Elvira said. "Your Fighting-type moves will give us the edge."

Which is precisely why Hinnerk if he knows what he’s doing will attempt to drop Arian first. Which, granted, he could potentially not given that he already fell for one diversion so far.

"...Big mistake, girl, revealing your strategies like that," Hinnerk said, recovering from Arian's blow. "Because now I know exactly who to take out."

He made a dash for the Riolu, and before the Riolu could react, he tackled him to the ground once more and attacked him with Submission.

Arian: “... Ow.”
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Elvira: “In retrospect, I really should’ve whispered that, shouldn’t I?”
401076862924750848.webp


"Argh! Ouch! Stop it!"

Arian's cries could be heard as Hinnerk beat him relentlessly with Submission. He tried to escape the beatings, but the Thorned Roses' boss was too strong for him to get away from.

"That's enough, Hinnerk!"

Lillian yelled, and she lunged forward to initiate her own attack to turn Hinnerk's attention to her. She hit him with multiple rounds of Fury Swipes, slashing deep enough to draw blood from the Obstagoon.

Thorned Roses:
701085210766344223.webp

Hinnerk:
the-goon-dodgeball.gif

Mikhail: “For gods’ sake, Hinnerk. Stay focused here!”
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"Gah! Damn traitor!" hissed Hinnerk, who ceased his attack on Arian to focus on Lillian. "What pests the likes of You lot are always the most annoying pests!"

"Good. That means I'm doing something right," countered the Sandslash. "Now time for you to see what I'm made of!" She made her move with Crush Claw, dealing cuts to Hinnerk that drew blood.

[ ]


"You little bitch!" snarled the Obstagoon. "I'll rip you apart!" He slashed at her with a Night Slash, but Lillian saw it coming, and managed to avoid the brunt of the blow, escaping with only a small cut on her side created by Hinnerk.

Mikhail: “Hinnerk. Kill. The. Riolu.” >v-v>
Hinnerk: “Shut up, Mik! I know what I’m doing!”
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However, the Thorned Roses' boss's anger had been stoked, and his focus was directed toward Lillian now. A flurry of Night Slashes were directed Lillian's way, and the Sandslash quickly found herself on the defensive, trying to block Hinnerk's attacks in order to land some of her own. But she couldn't defend them all, and some of the Obstagoon's Night Slashes landed, wounding the Sandslash.

While this was happening, Elvira regrouped with Arian and healed him with an oran berry from her own bag. She couldn't help but notice, though, the dismayed look in his eyes.

"...One attack and I'm already having to take another oran berry," he said, in what sounded like self-disappointment. "...Maybe we really are in over our heads…"

Elvira: “In retrospect, we really ought to have brought a Totter Orb or something like that along, huh?”
698047915079237695.webp


"Don't say that," chided Elvira. "He has the advantage in strength, but…" She held up her bag. "We can gain the advantage in other ways."

"Through…items?" queried Arian.

"A bag of items is a mercenary's greatest companion," the Treecko continued. "You saw just there; I can't hit Hinnerk very hard. But…with some items, I might be able to make a difference. Like with these, for instance." She took out two seeds, and picked one of them. "Take that and eat it. It's a violent seed; it'll make your attacks stronger."

Oh, so they did bring items after all. Though I have to wonder how on earth Mik didn’t have the foresight to not let Arian and the gang hold onto that given that it was a serious risk to him the entire time last chapter. Unless the idea is that Elvira swiped it or something while Mik and the other Thorned Roses were busy spectating Hinnerk, or else Hinnerk got baited into letting them keep it because he was too afraid of a couple Blast Seeds pulled out from a shop’s backroom.

Mikhail: “... Right, I knew I was forgetting something before letting Hinnerk go to town on those three.” >v-v<
Arian: “Wait, why didn’t we do this from the start anyways?”
732415158126772355.webp

Elvira: “Because if Hinnerk had known my bag had items, he’d have instantly gone for it and thrown it in the lake or used it himself? We were only going to get one shot at surprising him.”

"...Okay, if you say so," Arian obliged. He tentatively took the seed, and ingested it, unsure of what to expect.

But within seconds, he could feel a sudden surge of energy come to him, and he suddenly felt more confident and determined.

"Whoa! That seed has quite a kick to it," he remarked. "...What did you say it was again? A violent seed?"

"Yes. Your attacks will pack more of a punch," Elvira told him. "I forgot we had it. I really must sort out the bag when we get home. But anyway. Let's see how powerful your Force Palm is now. Go on. Lillian has him distracted. Let's not waste this opportunity. You go first, and I'll follow."

Wait, how are the other Thorned Roses not just noticing these two doing this if they’re on an open battlefield without obstructions? Like if Elvira had someplace to hide these seeds such as in the knot of a scarf or even a clenched fist, you’d think that it’d be a lot easier to hide from Hinnerk and his goons that they’re breaking out the items versus straight-up going through a bag that for all they know is packed to the gills with a Kecleon Shop’s spare inventory.

Alternatively, if there’s boxes or something around given that this is a quay, I suppose she could’ve seen it and grabbed it, even if that requires a bit more setting establishment than what’s presently there.

Mikhail: “Okay, yeah, this is against the terms of battle. Everybody, get the-!”
Hinnerk: “Mik, stay out of this!
749495558963724339.webp

Mikhail: “Seriously, Hinnerk, are you trying to lose to these dweebs? What are you going to do, wait for one of them to throw a Stun Seed at you?” >v-v<

"Right," acknowledged the Riolu. "...Lillian can't hold this up forever. We should move now." He chose to attack right before Hinnerk struck the Sandslash again. As the Obstagoon raised his hand to deliver another Night Slash, Arian chose that opportunity to once again attack with a Force Palm. He struck Hinnerk as hard as he could.

"Agh! You irritating little pest!" Hinnerk raged.

The Obstagoon
and swung around to strike Arian... However, much as the Riolu figured he would do that, had planned. Arian hurriedly ducked away and managed to move back quickly enough to avoid the strike. Hinnerk, growling in anger, diverted his attention to Arian, and moved in to attack. Perhaps if he hadn't been so focused on the human, he would've seen Elvira biting down on the seed she'd picked from the bag.

The next thing he knew, the gecko blew fiery breath at him.

Ah yes, Blast Seeds. Gotta love ‘em. :^)

"A blast seed?! Could you merc types be any more annoying?" seethed the Obstagoon, feeling the flames lick at his fur.

"Annoying? You're one to talk," countered Lillian. "Who's been the one giving hell to the people of Ozerograd? Who's been the one suppressing freedom here for the past five years? It sure as hell hasn't been us!"

"Yeah!" seconded Arian. "I've only been here a few days, and even I can see how much of a threat you are to this town's peace!"

"And as someone who lives near Ozerograd, I've seen for myself just what you and the your Thorned Roses have done to it," Elvira continued. "It's terrible what you've all done to it. You’ve turned it into a glorified den of thieves where everybody’s miserable all the time! All the more reason to defeat you here and now!"

[ ]


"Shut up!" Hinnerk barked. "Shut up before I rip your throat out, you wretch!" He attempted to run for Elvira to attack her, but both Arian and Lillian ran forward in front of her, each with their own attack at the ready.

I wonder if Arian and the gang should more deliberately get under Hinnerk’s skin here and get him seeing red over something to the effect of “Wow, you’re really going to cry uncle over a Seed? Just how lame are you?” since… yeah. If he were thinking thinking more soberly, this is the spot where he’d set his pride aside and get his goons to step in since a bag full of dungeon items can radically change the balance of power in a PMD battle, as the PSMD Salamence mission vividly illustrates.

"Oh no, you don't!" Arian shouted, and with Lillian, unleashed a dual attack of Force Palm and Crush Claw on Hinnerk that landed.

"Gahhh!" the Obstagoon cried, as he was knocked back from the attack. He looked back up at Arian and Elvira, in furious disbelief.

How could the likes of them have such power behind their attacks? This traitor and this nobody of a Riolu…they don't have the power to best me. I'm the boss of the Thorned Roses! I'm the most powerful person in Ozerograd! …So…how could they have…?

I mean, it helps that they have a bag full of dungeon items, not that openly whining about it would do wonders for how strong you look in front of your crew.

Hinnerk wasn't the only one gawping in disbelief, though. His underlings that were enclosing the pier had observed the duel between their boss and his three opponents. As the latter succeeded in landing their hits on the Obstagoon, fears began to arise among [ ]

Your last sentence in this paragraph is cut off here. I think that you accidentally oopsed something out of existence during editing.

"The Boss...He's struggling," noted one of the Thorned Roses, an Umbreon. "Th-That can't be...The Boss is the strongest of us all! There's no way he'd lose to these three...right?"

"...Not if we have anything to say about it. ...Hey, Boss!" the Electabuzz from earlier called out. "Don't worry! We'll help you get rid of those three!"

[ ]


"Grrr...No!" Hinnerk objected. "Don't move! I can handle these brats by myself!" However, his laboured breaths and visible wounds told a different story.

I think that in general it would make sense to show Hinnerk’s reactions a bit more to this back and forth, especially if his thought process for how this battle is playing out is actively evolving.

Mikhail: “Oh my gods, Hinnerk, you idiot.”
659983090747441181.webp


"But Boss! They're winning!" protested the Fraxure. "Please let us help you kill them!"

"...Do it," ordered Mikhail, before Hinnerk could say anything. "I'm sorry, Boss, but it's for your own good. We can't let the Thorned Roses fall, especially to these whelps."

[ ]


"...Fine!" Hinnerk shouted in frustration. "I've just about had it with them anyway! Kill them! Make them suffer for their defiance!"

Elvira: “... Oh boy, I really hope there’s a good Wonder Orb in this thing, otherwise this is going to be a short story.”
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"Yes, Boss!" all of them called out, before getting ready to lunge on the trio.

No! Arian thought to himself. Just when we were getting the upper hand...It can't end like this! Not after Elvira came up with that brilliant plan…

But before the group of Thorned Roses could initiate combat, they were rudely interrupted by nothing other than...the detonation of smoke bombs.

Oh, hi Ishmael. You too, Axel. Talk about good timing, even if I wondered if it could’ve been foreshadowed a bit more such that it felt a bit less out of left field, since hey, the prior chapter did mention in passing that there were friendlies in the Old Town, and you’d think that at a minimum, it’d influence Lillian’s decision-making process and general demeanor.

Within seconds, the pier was covered in thick white smoke, just like the square in Ozerograd had been earlier. And just like before, the group of Thorned Roses were taken by surprise.

"Smoke bombs?!"

"What the hell?! Where'd they come from?"

"Are we under attack?"

"I bet it's friends of those bastards!"

"Where are they? You can't see through this smoke!"

Ishmael: “Seriously? That’s all it takes to throw you lot off-balance? Clearly Hinnerk didn’t bring his best underlings for this fight.”
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Meanwhile, whereas Arian and Elvira had been disoriented by the smoke bombs before, this time they saw them as symbols of hope. It meant help was here to get them out of this predicament.

There was a slight problem, though, in that the smoke made it hard to see what exactly was going on. Through the smoke and uproar of the Thorned Roses, however, Arian was able to discern a few voices.

"Now, Ishmael! Throw it!"

"Gotcha! Take this, ya buncha crooks!"

Can’t tell if this is going to be a Wonder Orb or an IED made of like a dozen Blast Seeds taped together.

Then the shattering of what seemed to be glass was heard. Strangely enough, all went quiet from the Thorned Roses henchmen kicking up a furore. Arian cocked his head in puzzlement. What could this be? Just in case, he readied himself for a potential enemy to strike. They could take advantage of this, after all.

A gust of wind suddenly blew out of the smoke. But then, to Arian's surprise, a strong wind suddenly blew the smoke away. Eventually, it cleared up enough to see what had happened.

And it was quite a sight. One that made the Riolu's eyes widen in a mixture of shock and wonderment.

All of the Thorned Roses that had reared up to attack the three of them had suddenly been frozen. But not in the sense of being encased in ice - it looked as though time had stopped for them, and they were all frozen in place, some in a pose to run, and others plainly more disoriented from the smoke. Their expressions were a mixture of outrage, confusion, and panic.

Ah yes, a Petrify Orb, though not that this isn’t how they work in-game, but I wonder how in-setting, the Orb is able to logically distinguish between friend and foe here. Since if they work based off of blind AOE in this setting, you’d think that there’d be one of two logical outcomes:

A: Ishmael and Axel would have to very specifically get Arian and the gang out of the way of said AOE to avoid petrifying them anyways (e.x. telling them to run towards their voice before throwing the Petrify Orb)
B: Petrifying them anyways and then coming in to shove them to undo the Petrify Orb’s effects (which is indeed one way of undoing Petrification in canon PMD)

And in front of this scene lay a familiar duo: a Krokorok and a Gligar.

Lillian was the first one to speak up.

"Ishmael! Axel! You came!"

"Heh." Ishmael smirked. "Got a bit worried when ya weren't showin' up. We figured somethin' had happened, so we came down here to quite a show. Ya were doin' well, but...that lot was gonna ruin everythin'.'' He pointed to the frozen Thorned Roses. "Good thing Axel still 'ad some smoke bombs left over."

"Good thing, alright," the Gligar said. "I kept some just in case we'd need them in future. And what do you know? A perfect opportunity!" He gestured to the scene before him. "I told you Defog was useful for stuff like this, Ish!"

Hinnerk: “You! You lousy, scum-sucking-!
Axel: “Yeah, yeah, traitorous bastards, We get it. Our cover was getting a bit long in the tooth anyways, so whatever.”

"...Eh, can't argue with that," agreed Ishmael. "Handy for stuff like smoke bombs."

"What did you do to them?" Arian asked, still stunned by the sight before him. "How are they...frozen like that?"

"Petrify Orb," the Krokorok answered simply. "Got it from yer folks, Lill. It freezes enemies in their tracks. They're not gonna move unless ya attack 'em. So if ya don't attack 'em, ya can keep yer focus on that tosser over there." He pointed to Hinnerk.

"Wow...thanks very much," the Riolu said, grateful for the aversion of a crisis.

Just saying, you probably don’t want to just sit and yack in front of the Petrified TRs since Petrification does wear off eventually even in Mystery Dungeons.
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"No problem," accepted Ishmael. "Now then...back to dealing with this piece of shit right here." He pointed a finger toward Hinnerk.

"...Look who's talking," spat the Obstagoon, noticing the red armband on Ishmael and the red scarf on Axel. "More traitors following the Sandslash...So you all planned to betray me, too?"

Ishmael + Axel:
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"We sure did," Axel answered. "You're the kind of people that deserve betrayal - the brutes with no remorse. I'd go into detail about all the crap you've done over the years, but they've probably done it already."

"Yeah...A crim who's done a lot of bad shit over the years and evicts people for fun? ...Exactly the kinda Pokémon a merc's gotta lock up. Ya could even say folks him, for us mercs...are our prey."

A vicious smile crept across his muzzle, aiming his words at Hinnerk. But Arian and Elvira heard them too.

I am honestly a bit surprised that they’re content with just locking up Hinnerk given his body count and some of the things he’s implied he’s been up to at his requisitioned manor. Though I suppose that pre-Mitrofan Selenia must not have had a recent tradition of capital punishment.

Lillian: “Guys, not that this isn’t really satisfying, but we should either restrain or take out these ‘mons before that Petrify Orb wears off… ^^;

"Prey?" the Obstagoon scoffed. "Don't make me laugh! You merc types really are delusional idiots. All of you are! You're forgetting who you're dealing with! I'm - "

"Shut up," Ishmael cut off. "Mr Big or not, yer outnumbered five to one, and on top a' that, yer sidekick's done a runner."

TR!Fraxure: “We’re right here, you know!”
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Ishmael: “Yeah, yeah, and you’re Petrified and not able to do anything to interfere, so the point about being outnumbered 5 to 1 still stands.”

"What?" Hinnerk turned to his right and indeed, the Krokorok was correct; Mikhail and Tamara had completely up and vanished. "Mikhail! Mikhail! Where the hell have you gone to?"

"That's weird...Where has he gone to?" wondered Elvira, confused by the snake's disappearance. "And...where's Tamara?" Worry sprung in her heart for her vanished friend. "Where is she?"

Yeah, I just knew that Mikhail was the sort of ‘mon who’d hose Hinnerk whenever it was advantageous to him. Though I can’t tell whether or not he is supposed to have freed the other TRs or if he just left them out to dry because they were Hinnerk’s strongest loyalists or something like that.

"Elvira…" Arian felt his partner's worry. But one look at the irate Obstagoon reminded them of their object of focus. "...I hate to say this, but we have to leave them for now. We're gaining the upper hand with Hinnerk, and we have to keep up the pressure. It won't be long before Ozerograd can say goodbye to the likes of him."

You’d think that at the very least, it’d make sense to at least consider sending Axel off to do spotter duty and tie up the rest of the TRs as quickly as possible, but eh. I suppose they do have a point that any one of Hinnerk or his Petrified goons breaking free would cause problems, even if I’m not convinced that this is a good idea for Tamara.

"...You're right," Elvira realised. "Now's not the time to get distracted. I'm sorry, Tamara...but we have to stick to this for now. Ozerograd's so close to freedom from this man...Please just hang on a little longer."

"We'll keep a lookout for them," Axel called. "But if you guys need help, we'll jump in."

"Yeah. ...But yer doin' alright," Ishmael commented. "I think we might be able to leave this one to Lill and the rookies."

"Wait, what?" Arian reacted, suddenly feeling rather nervous. He was hopeful for more help, but...They're just going to sit by the sidelines, while we fight Hinnerk? He's been no joke. He knew that despite their usage of the items, they weren't in infinite supply, and their bag of tricks, along with Lillian's, would eventually deplete to nothing.

I mean, you could just… you know… do the equivalent of magdumping a bunch of damaging items all at once or else skip straight to tying him up. Since just saying, there are at least 6 other Petrified goons in spitting distance for Hinnerk to free up once he gets mobile again.
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I mean, I suppose that there’s logic in that properly defeating Hinnerk will spook his goons into bailing instead of just trying to come and free him because they wouldn’t be convinced that he actually lost but instead got surprised with a cheap gimmick but… yeah. That’s not explicitly communicated at the moment.

At that point, Ishmael threw something his way, which he caught. Then he did the same to Elvira and Lillian, and they also caught their items. The items in question were none other than oran berries, which each fighter scarfed down immediately. Once they did, they felt a resurgence of energy as their wounds healed.

"Ya look worse for wear," the crocodile called. "That should bring ya back to full energy. Once ya are, lay into 'im like yer life depends on it! There's a lot ridin' on this, 'specially for yerselves!"

Lillian: “Yeeeeeah, our lives would really be a lot easier if we had a Sleep Seed or Slumber Wand right now.”
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"Oh...I think I know what he's saying, Arian." Elvira's words drew Arian's attention. "They're saying that this is a chance to prove ourselves. If we manage to topple Hinnerk, then we'll have proved that we can overcome a monumental hurdle and attain a victory against all odds."

Hinnerk: “I call hax.”
Elvira:
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"I see...And along with that, if we win, then Ozerograd will be free from the likes of him," Arian replied, seeing her point. "It'll be our first big step forward as mercenaries. And as mercs, helping the people is our goal."

"That's right. ...So let's do what the people desire and topple this tyrant," Elvira declared. "Let's bring freedom to the people of Ozerograd!"

"...Hah! Not while I draw breath," Hinnerk objected. He was seething now, not just from his tactician's disappearing act, but also from the infuriating talk of determination from the two in front of him, the very ones he'd sent his gang out to look for.

I toyed with them. ...That was a mistake. A big one. "I'll shatter those very dreams before your eyes. Ozerograd is mine, and you will not take it from me!"

Arian: “Bruh, you’re literally a living statue at the moment. You can’t do squat to us right now.”
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Elvira: “Actually, that I’m not so sure about since now that I think about it, none of the other goons are really saying anything right now.” ^^;

"Any leader that rules poorly should earn the right to be overthrown," Lillian responded. "You fall into that category, Hinnerk. And there's no finer candidates to overthrow you than these two."

"These two'll be knocking on hell's gates before the day is out," Hinnerk growled. "I won't bow down for one second!"

"Then we'll make you bow down!" Arian shouted back. "Come on, Elvira! Let's do this!" And with that, he ran forward, intent to press forward their advantage while they had it.

Elvira: “Wait, Arian, maybe we should pace ourselves on-!” O_O;

However, his approach proved to be a hasty one, as Hinnerk had a counter ready. Once more, he crossed his arms and used Obstruct to deter the smaller fighter and flinch him, then followed up with Night Slash. Even though he resisted the hit, and it wasn't as hard-hitting as the Submission, Arian still found the hit to pack a punch.

Wouldn’t Hinnerk need to come up with a counter on the fly as opposed to having one already ready to go? Since… you know, Petrification? Or at least I think he’s Petrified?
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Though yeah, I do wonder if it might have made sense for the other TR goons to get tied up before noticing that Mik ghosted them to at least make it too hard for Hinnerk to quickly free them up to help him fight… yeah. Hinnerk technically would have a very easy way of returning things back to the status quo where Team Arian was just screwed and about to die. ^^;

TR!Electabuzz: “Boss, if you free us we can help you kill ‘em-!”
Hinnerk: “Shut up, they’re mine!
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But luckily, Elvira was on hand to take over from him while he regained his strength with an Oran Berry. While she found hitting him hard was proving difficult for her on her lonesome, this wasn't meant to be a hard-hitting onslaught, merely enough to keep Hinnerk distracted while Arian recovered. Using her agility to her advantage, she used Quick Attack to distract Hinnerk and draw his attention.

Okay, so it kinda happened in other parts of this fight, but it’s really noticeable here. But in general, fighting scenes tend to pair very poorly with passive voice (“had [X]ing”, “was/were [X]ing”, etc.) and makes things less exciting than they otherwise ought to be. e.x. as a relatively minimalistic rework:

But luckily, Elvira was charged in to take over as Arian healed himself with an Oran Berry. Elvira quickly found hitting Hinnerk hard on her lonesome was deceptively difficult, but that was fine. Her skirmish didn’t have to be a hard-hitting onslaught, merely to be enough to keep Hinnerk distracted while Arian recovered. Using her agility to her advantage, she used Quick Attack to distract Hinnerk and draw his attention.

IMO, there are further changes that could be done, especially with regard to shedding more of the “action log”-style description, but just a simple conversion like that is already a noticeable step up by making things feel less “after the fact”.

"Annoying little brat!" Hinnerk spat. "I'll cut you in two!" He readied a Night Slash, and swung towards Elvira…

…only for her to dodge it effortlessly.

Hinnerk:
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Arian: “Just saying, that was a lot more threatening-sounding and convincing before we saw you just stand there for five minutes whining and ranting while Petrified.”
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The Obstagoon then noticed her glowing green eyes.

Detect, huh? Of course you'd be as crafty as your old man…Well then. A change of targets it is. He saw a freshly healed Arian returning to the fray, a perfect target to unleash his wrath on. And an angry mind was just what was needed when it came to using Submission.

Arian was readying his own attack, a Metal Claw, to shake things up and conserve his uses of Force Palm. But Hinnerk managed to get the drop on him, and tackled him to the ground.

Hinnerk: “Right. I should be dropping you first. Girlie will be a piece of cake once you’re pushing up daisies!”

"Agh! Get off me!" Arian cried, before being assaulted by the Obstagoon's punches once more. It was the third time this happened, but still he found Hinnerk's pummeling to be as unrelenting as the previous occasions.

"Arian!" Elvira shouted. She attempted to use a Mega Drain to draw Hinnerk's attention, just as Lillian had done before. However, the Obstagoon had learned from the earlier experience, and dodged out of the way. He had already dealt substantial blows to Arian; he could afford to retreat from that for now, he thought.

You know what they say about assuming, Hinnerk…

Meanwhile, the window was open to attack Elvira again. But Hinnerk saw her coming towards him, and an idea came to mind. I still do have that move I haven't used yet…

Elvira launched a Quick Attack once more on Hinnerk. Strangely, Hinnerk didn't move when she attacked. But he didn't cross his arms and scream in a use of Obstruct either. Lillian, who was observing the fight, frowned.

What is he up to…?

Then it all became clear, once a steam-like aura emanated from Hinnerk. Before Elvira could react, he unleashed an uppercut on her that sent her flying across the pier. She landed just by the water's edge, thankfully not thrown into the lake itself.

Elvira: “... Ow” X_X
Arian: “El-Elvira!
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"Elvira!" Arian screamed, running over to his teammate. Lifting her up, he could see the effects of the powerful blow; she'd been knocked unconscious, and blood trickled from her nose.

Wow. I was almost literally right on the money, there.

She wasn't dead, at least. But she was out of commission, and that made Arian's worry heighten.

No! We were doing so well, too… he lamented. …But now what? Lillian's here, but…without Elvira, we're down a fighter, and I'm not doing so hot either. The blows from Submission still stung him, and he felt himself beginning to get weary.

Were we…too reckless, challenging Hinnerk head-on like this? the Riolu found himself thinking. Even if we got this far…it doesn't mean anything, if we can't defeat him outright.

Lillian: “Wait, it doesn’t? Since just saying, we could’ve just tied him up while he was Petrified.”
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Arian: “Look, with how thick-headed the average Thorned Rose is, they’re not going to get the message to cut bait and leave short of seeing us clobber Hinnerk into the dirt.”
Petrified!TR: “Hey!” >:(
Arian: “Don’t be mad because I’m right. (Even if we probably should’ve explicitly mentioned that at some point.)”
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"Oh no, ya don't, ya piece of shit! Don't ya even think about drownin' 'em!"

Arian's attention turned to behind him. There, he could see that Ishmael and Axel had joined the fray and were fighting against Hinnerk.

Well, they sure came back quickly, I suppose Axel being a fast flier would help with that. Though Hinnerk actually wasn’t ever explicitly mentioned making a move to try and throw Elvira into the lake prior to Ishmael’s line.

"Tch. More annoyances!" the Obstagoon raged. "How dare you rats get in my way! Stand aside! Those two upstarts are mine!"

"Nope! No way in hell you're getting to them!" Axel yelled, unleashing a Fury Cutter on Hinnerk. "Knowing how you work, you're going to drown them in the lake to give them a long death!"

"What?!" cried Arian, in shock. "D-Drown us in the lake?!" That's…Of all the ways to go, that's a horrible one! He realised he was visibly shuddering at the thought. I don't want to die that way…

Ishmael: “Okay, yeah, in retrospect, us bouncing and leaving you to handle Hinnerk on your own was a really, really bad idea, but at least things worked out in the end?” ^^:

"Focus, Arian! Heal Elvira!"

Lillian's voice snapped him out of his fearful thoughts. He looked over at the Sandslash, only to be surprised when she threw something his way. It landed at his feet.

A…seed? Arian picked it up, and examined it. It was a normal seed, except it had what seemed like a blue-coloured stem growing out of it.

"Give it to Elvira!" Lillian called. "It's a reviver seed! It'll make her conscious again!"

Arian: “Wait, but how does that even-?”
Lillian: “Don’t question it! Just do it!”

"R-Really?" Arian's ears pricked in surprise. They can do that?

"Yes! But hurry!" Lillian replied, glancing worriedly at her teammates fighting Hinnerk. "We can't allow him to regain the upper hand!"

TR!Umbreon: “Boss, come on! We’re right here! We can help you turn this arou-!”
- Hinnerk casually yeets the TR!Umbreon into the lake -
Hinnerk: “There, now I can focus on crushing you worms!”

"Got it," the Riolu said. He took the seed and brought it to Elvira's mouth. It took a slight amount of effort to get her unconscious form to swallow the seed, but he managed it, and soon the seed was taken in by watched Elvira gulp it down.

Come on…Please work, he silently begged, looking over the Treecko's body for any signs of healing.

I take it that this is a handy explanation why for why enemies can’t just spam these things in fights in-story, since if Lillian and the rest of the double agent gang hadn’t been keeping Hinnerk busy, Arian would’ve been a sitting duck there. Though it’s a handy way of balancing Reviver Seeds meta-wise.

Thankfully, they did appear. But the speed at which Elvira recovered and regained consciousness was a surprise to Arian. In what seemed like no time at all, the Treecko's wounds were healed and the girl's eyes opened.

"...Arian?" Elvira mumbled. "Did you give me…a reviver seed?"

Wait, how does Elvira know this right after waking up from being unconscious instead of being more in “What happened? Where am I?” mode? Like did she cough up a Plain Seed like in the games or something?

"I did," he informed her. "But worry about that later. We need to focus on keeping up the pressure on Hinnerk. We don't have far left, but…given how powerful he is, he can turn the tide at any time."

[ ]


"So…the sooner we end it, the better," Elvira surmised, as she got to her feet.

"Yes…starting with moving away from the edge of the pier," Arian added, doing just that. "I do not want to be drowned by him."

"Good idea," Elvira agreed. "Now let's take the slack off Team Sandstream."

I kinda wonder if either this back-and-forth should’ve been shortened or else some acknowledgement of background fighting should’ve been shown off to lean into the “right, we need to hurry this up” angle that the conversation goes down.

However, this declaration coincided with Hinnerk managing to remove Axel and Ishmael from his path, knocking both of them away with a few Night Slashes. With them out of his way, he charged toward the two of them, murder in his eyes.

"Oh shit!" Ishmael exclaimed. "Look out, ya two!"

I… actually wonder if Ishmael’s line should’ve preceded Hinnerk charging at Arian and Elvira, since Ish’s line here would actually be a really good way of snapping Arian and Elvira back to attention after a seeming lull where they were able to hype each other up.

"Crap!" Arian said, seeing the Obstagoon heading straight for him. He had little to no time to prepare a counterattack, and in the panic over reviving Elvira, he'd forgotten about his own condition.

No! I won't fall like this…! With no time to dodge, all he could do was brace for the impact.

Which is…? I mean, I get that Arian isn’t exactly doing well from getting run over by Hinnerk with Submission repeatedly, but it’d probably more impactful to describe Arian feeling an ache or blood dribbling from a cut, or even just looking down and being reminded “... Right, I was supposed to heal myself.

Hinnerk had a Night Slash ready, and attacked Arian with it. It was like an earlier instance of this; despite resisting it, Arian still found it a painful hit to take. And under normal circumstances, it probably would have been powerful enough to knock him out.

However…this didn't happen, much to both his and Hinnerk's surprise. Instead, a red glow enveloped Arian, seemingly enabling him to stay on his feet.

Oh, well that’s new. I wonder if that’s some sort of human power or else a move that I’m not recognizing. Though there’s a meme for this moment:

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"...What the hell?" Hinnerk angrily remarked. "You little mutt…How are you still standing?" He attacked him again, but the same result occurred; Arian still stood.

"What?" Lillian said, just as astonished at the sight. "Is that…Endure?"

Oh, well, move confirmed. I kinda wonder if there should’ve been a general trend made of Arian either practicing this move earlier on, or else foreshadowing that he’s able to subconsciously stumble into moves he needs on certain occasions. Like he did it when he and Elvira were fighting Viv and Bruno, but it kinda fell off afterwards in all the skirmishes that they had between then and now, so it makes him using Endure here come a bit out of left field.

[ ]


"Look at 'im," Ishmael remarked. "He's held back that bastard's attack like it was nothin'…Good on 'im. Keep it up, Arian!"

Arian: “Yeah, a bit easier said than done when I’m literally on my last hit point here!”
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Arian didn't hear the Krokorok's words of encouragement. In truth, most of his will was going toward staying conscious. He could taste blood in his throat, his heart was beating out of his chest and he was barely hanging in there. Adrenaline, along with his usage of Endure, was the only thing keeping him going.

Arian: “Yeah, see above, really.”
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Hinnerk: “Think that’s your sign to keel over, brat!”
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I have to make a difference with this, he then thought to himself. I can heal up afterwards. Hinnerk's right in front of me, and distracted by anger. …I have to make this count.

He charged a Force Palm, despite his body's protests, and summoned all of his strength to slam Hinnerk as hard as he could in the stomach.

"Agh! You little shit!"

And luckily, it worked in knocking Hinnerk back and dealing a blow to him.

Elvira: “Wait, how did you know how to do that, Arian?”
Arian: “I don’t know, but I’m not gonna question it right now!”

In fact, it was even better than that. The Obstagoon seemed to struggle in his movements, which only stoked his ire all the greater.

"…Paralysing me with fucking Force Palm?" seethed Hinnerk. "Grrragh! You're really asking for it now, you mangy brat!" He tried to lunge forward to attack him again, but the paralysis stopped him in his tracks, and he found it gripped him too much for him to go any further.

Arian: “Wait, were we going to mob him now, or…?” ^^;

"You paralysed him! Brilliant!" Lillian praised. "That should make things easier. Good job, Arian!"

"...Thanks," a faint Arian breathed.

Arian: “I mean, there was only a 75% chance that he’d have gotten to me anyways, but hey! I’m not going to complain about not dying at the moment.”
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Elvira noticed his weary tone and beat-up look. "Here," she said, handing the bag to him. "There's one more oran berry in there. You have it, Arian. You look like you're about to keel over."

"Only one?" Arian dug into the bag and saw that indeed, only one oran berry remained. "...Shouldn't we conserve it?"

Elvira: “Arian, considering how you’re probably going to die if Hinnerk so much as looks as you funny, you should really eat the berry right now.” .-.

"And leave you like this?" Elvira shook her head in denial. "I can't do that to my mercenary partner. Besides, it's like I said earlier; the sooner we finish this, the better. The sooner we defeat Hinnerk…the sooner our shortage of items won't be a problem." She peered in. "...I really should've gotten more. But there's no time to worry about that now. We need to focus on defeating Hinnerk. And thanks to you…we might just be on the home stretch."

"...Yeah. Let's finish this, here and now," Arian said, confidently and with determination.

I’m not really sure if the underlined makes sense to bring up in a moment that’s essentially thematically “we’re almost there, just a little more”. Like it’s not wrong, but it does feel like a bit of a tangent from the more immediate priority of “beat Hinnerk and don’t die”

"You heard them, boys," Lillian called out to them. "Be on standby, but…I think they'll be just fine on their own."

"Yeah! You can do it, you two!" called Axel.

"Beat 'is face in!" rallied Ishmael. "Don't give 'im any chances! Remember - yer the predators, 'e's the prey!"

The encouraging words from Team Sandstream only added confidence to what was now a blazing fire of resolve. Each readied attacks - Arian with Force Palm, and Elvira with Mega Drain.

Arian: “Wait, are you three actually going to help us take Hinnerk down, or…?”
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Axel: “We’re providing moral support?” ^^;
Arian: “But you literally weren’t described as being incapacitated right now!” >_>;

Both unleashed their attacks. Hinnerk, still hampered by paralysis, could do little to counter their attacks. Elvira's attacks were still weak, but it was Arian's Force Palms that were beginning to take their toll. And in his weakened state, that was dangerous. He tried to use Night Slash on Elvira, but a Detect from her saw her evade the attack, much to his great annoyance.

Such annoying tricksters! …Am I really going to lose to the likes of them? He looked across at them. …What are they up to now?

Elvira took another seed out of their bag, and ate it [ ]

I think you’re either missing a period or part of a sentence here.

Elvira: “Also, Lillian, were you and your friends going to help us here or…?” .-.
Lillian: “Nah, it’s good, you two have got this covered.” ^^;
Arian: “We’d have it more covered if there were three extra hands raining blows down on Hinnerk, just saying.” >_>;

"I forgot that we had two violent seeds," she said to Arian, as she felt the same burst of energy Arian felt earlier. "I really must keep track of the items we pick up in dungeons."

What? A violent seed? Shit…

I assume that that’s Hinnerk’s thoughts there, but there’s no real transition to his perspective after Elvira’s line, so it makes it a bit ambiguous as to who the thinker is. Also, considering how right after this, we go straight back to Arian and Elvira for character focus, it might make more sense to either have Hinnerk say this outright or else describe his
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reaction to seeing the second Violent Seed.

"We should. But we'll put that aside for now. For now…let's finish him," Arian replied.

"Agreed. Let's do it. Together."

Arian charged a Force Palm. Elvira readied a Leafage.

"Go!"

Hinnerk:
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They charged forward. Hinnerk saw their approach and tried to resist with an Obstruct, but once again, the paralysis from Arian's earlier Force Palm deterred him from moving.

Both attacks connected. The combination of Arian's Force Palm and a powered-up Leafage from Elvira proved to be the attack that decided it all, and the answer to Hinnerk's earlier question.

Was he going to lose to the likes of them?

Narrator:
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Hinnerk: “Hey wait, that’s not confirmed yet! I can totally turn this arou-!”
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"Graaaaaagh!"

…Yes, he was.

Hinnerk: “Okay, never mind. (Gah, my back.)” @.@

The resulting attack slugged Hinnerk enough to stagger him, and brought him to the ground. Covered in wounds and blows, the Obstagoon tried to get on his feet, but was unable to find the strength to do so.

Arian looked at the sight before him, stunned and hopeful. Did we do it? he thought. Did we...actually win?

TR!Electabuzz: “Boss! Don’t worry, we’ll avenge you! … Once we figure out how to move again!” O_O;
Axel: “Right, you all just kinda vanished from the fight after we hit you with that Petrify Orb, huh?”
Ishmael: “I mean, Hinnerk kept shouting at them to butt out of his fight and gave that Umbreon swimming lessons. So it wasn’t as if we totally forgot them.”
Axel: “Yeah, but that wasn’t canon so it doesn’t count.”

"Did we do it? Did we...actually win?" Elvira asked, echoing her partner's thoughts. "Did we defeat the Boss of the Thorned Roses?"

Mikhail: “Am I a joke to you?”
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Elvira: “One, you’re not the Boss of the Thorned Roses. Two, where on earth are you right now anyways?”

"...Nrrgh...Defeated?" Hinnerk's words were disbelieving. "...No...Not by her...Not by that wench...How did I not only lose to that son of a bitch, but his spawn? ...How? I'm the leader of the Thorned Roses!"

"From the moment you set out on the course of evil, you were always destined to one day fall to the right and just," Elvira said to him.

Lillian: “No, that was more him letting his pride get to him, since if he didn’t fall for you calling him weak, we’d have died about five minutes ago.” ^^;

"Shut up!" snarled the Obstagoon. "Don't the likes of you ever shut up?! You and your father are the bane of my existence! Just like him, you've brought me and my high life to ruin, you little wretch!"

Hey man, nobody forced you to take on a 1v3 battle to prove a point, much less to even seek out Elvira in the first place or else just put out a quiet hit on her instead of getting your own paws dirty.

[ ]

"You're no victim, Hinnerk." Elvira continued in her reprimand. "You robbed the livelihoods of the people of Ozerograd. You were the worst kind of leader, and you paid the price for it."

Elvira: “Also, you implied that you were ready to turn me and Lillian into sex slaves last chapter. Seriously, what sort of disgusting creep does that?” >_>;

"That's right." Arian took over. "It's about time you fell. Now Ozerograd can look to a brighter future."

Ishmael: “Er… considering how the rest of the Thorned Roses are busy sauntering around Ozerograd in prime fighting condition, aren’t we celebrating a little quickly here? Like, did anyone else even see Hinnerk get defeated?”
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- Meanwhile, the TR!Umbreon clambers back onto the pier -
TR!Umbreon: “Don’t worry, boss! I’m able to move now thanks to you pulling me free, so I’ll take care of these traitors in a-!”
- Only for Ishmael to casually tail swat him back into the lake and back out of the plot -
Ishmael: “Since yeah, kinda hard for word to get out without anyone to pass it along.” ^^;

"...Grrr…" Hinnerk growled.

Blue and green...blue and green...it's just like them. Images of a Sceptile and Swampert duo flashed through his mind. It's exactly like then...I was defeated by them, and they lectured me about justice and crime and all that shit. But at least they were competent mercenaries. These two are mere whelps! A Treecko with her head in the clouds and a green-eyed freak of a Riolu! How could I have lost to them…?

- Meanwhile, overlooking from Schrodinger’s Rooftop or something -
Mikhail:
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"Bringing hope to those who don't have any, and helping those who need help the most," the Riolu continued. "That's what we stand for, Elvira and I."

Our team name...It's about time to reveal it. He thought back to just before the duel with Hinnerk. That's what she was whispering to me about. She told me the name, and when we'd defeat him was when we would reveal it. ...It's a good name. I like it very much. He turned to Elvira, and gave a slight nod to her. Say it, Elvira.

Arian: “
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Wait, we did? Since I swear I didn’t remember this being brought up at all last chapter, Elvira.”

The Treecko understood what her partner meant. "That is our creed," she began. "A basic creed for any mercenary team. We will honour it fully, the two of us, as we go forward." She paused briefly, to build up to the reveal and to consider how to unveil it. Eventually, she decided to go with the straightforward approach.

"Our name...is Team Elpis," Elvira announced. "Remember it well, for that is the team that brought an end to your tyrannical reign over Ozerograd."

Hinnerk: “I’m sorry, but what the hell is an ‘Elpis’ again?”
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"That's right. Take us lightly at your peril." Arian took over, and held his left paw out to Elvira. She responded by placing her right hand on top of it, in a gesture of unity. "Never underestimate the likes of Team Elpis again."

"..." Hinnerk had no words for them. Only a snarl escaped his lips, still infuriated by his loss to the two of them.

Both members of the newly-named Team Elpis took a breath after their proclamation. Not long after this, they heard a clapping noise come from behind them. Looking back, they saw all three members of Team Sandstream give them a round of applause.

Axel: “(Psst! Ish! Does ‘Elpis’ mean anything to you?)”
Ishmael: “(Not at all. I was hoping you knew, really.)”
Axel: “(I mean, the word didn’t appear in the story at all up to this point, so…)” ^v-v^;
Arian: “Wait, Elvira, not that ‘Elpis’ doesn’t have a ring to it, but how did we come up with this again?” .-.

"Good show, mates!" praised Ishmael. "Pretty good dressin' down ya gave 'im. I love it when someone does that."

"You guys did amazing!" praised Axel. "Taking down the Thorned Roses' boss...That's no small feat, and yet you guys pulled it off!"

"Well...not us alone," Arian pointed out. "We never would have won if you never stepped in, or if Lillian never helped us."

Elvira: “Er… yeah, let’s not even get into what would’ve happened if that Petrify Orb wasn’t there to keep those other 6 or so goons that Hinnerk brought along from moving around.”
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TR!Fraxure: “We’re right here, you know! And you better say your prayers for when Mik gets back!”
Elvira: “Right. Mikhail. He’s a thing, and I’m guessing that he’s probably got Tamara right now-”
Arian: “And Flora.”
Elvira: “... And Flora. Sheesh, we’ve really been forgetting a lot of things with all the chaos from that battle going on.” ._.;

"True. But you were the one who laid down the gauntlet, Elvira," Lillian returned. "I confess...back then, when those Thorned Roses cornered us, I didn't see any chance of a victory. But if you hadn't come up with that clever wording of calling Hinnerk weak, then our plans would've never gotten off the ground. So, really, most of the credit should go to you two."

"...I guess…" relented Elvira. "Still, we couldn't have done it without you."

Elvira: “Though, uh… Ishmael, right? I don’t suppose that you and your Gligar friend happened to see any signs of Mikhail before you came back to bail us out, did you?” ^^;

"Maybe it's the time to start building up a friendship with you two, eh?" Lillian proposed, before another thought struck her. "Team Elpis...Interesting name. What's the inspiration?"

"Well...it's from an old Miletan myth I read about once. Elpis is a symbol of hope in it," explained Elvira. "When we were thinking of names, you suggested that we stick to a team of hope, Arian. Then the name 'Elpis' came to mind just as we confronted Hinnerk, and I rather liked it."

"It's a good name," Arian complimented. "Plus, it's also great symbolism. A symbol of hope in a land that doesn't have much of it. I mean, this whole thing in Ozerograd is just one part of all the misery in Selenia, isn't it?"

Okay, not that this doesn’t make sense as a way that Elvira would’ve thought up ‘Elpis’ as a name, but I do wonder if it should’ve been foreshadowed a bit more that the term would come up from earlier readings of the books in Elvira’s family library or else even something as subtle as describing there being a book about Miletos open in the background and Elvira copping a brief peek at it after the “Hope” angle came up in Chapter 8 or even that she had been reading about Miletos shortly before ‘Hope’ was mentioned.

Also, unless Arian was there to read / hear the spiel about ‘Elpis’ being a symbol of hope in Miletos, he’s also learning about this in live-time himself, and should probably be addressing the name in less familiar terms than he presently is doing.


"Yer right there," Ishmael answered, a slight huff to his reply. "Sucks to say it, but this 'ole shebang wiv' 'im's just a piece of this 'ole mess that Selenia's in. We can't be cocky 'bout this win, us lot. We 'ave to make it mean somefin'."

"Still, a win's a win," Axel replied. "...But, um. First, before we get to celebrating." He pointed a pincer at Hinnerk. "What'll we do with him?"

Lillian: “I mean, there is a lake right here we could chuck him in.”
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Arian + Elvira: “Lillian!
Lillian: “Oh, come on. You two were thinking about it, too! Especially you, Elvira, since you heard that threat Hinnerk made to us last chapter.” >_>;

And just gonna throw the rest of this review in a separate post, since I don't feel like undoing 50 image tags.
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Chapter 9 - cont.

"I say we tie him up with rope and lock him up," Lillian said. "There are cells in town to do that with."

"Good idea," Ishmael said. "There's bound to be some rope 'round here we can use. There's some over there, look."

He went over to an anchoring post, where some rope lay. Thankfully, no boat was attached to it, removing any potential future inconveniences.

Arian: “Wait, but aren’t there a ton of Thorned Roses just chilling back in the main town right now?”
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Ishmael: “... They’ll lose their nerve and scatter after seeing their boss paraded in front of them tied up?”
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More seriously, I do think that you’re missing a bit of an X-factor explicitly communicated here. Since it hasn’t really been explained why Team Elpis thinks this will work. Like I get that they had a theory that if Hinnerk got beat up, that it’d demoralize his goons and they’d jump ship, but they haven’t exactly seen any evidence to corroborate that and Lillian and the gatekeeper duo didn’t exactly hint at there being an on-the-ground uprising ready to go to deal with having to deal what’d otherwise be a 5 v several dozen or score fight where the hostiles have an entire town’s worth of resources to throw at them.

At this point, Arian noticed another issue. "What about them?" he said, pointing to the group of Thorned Roses, still frozen from the Petrify Orb.

Oh, so those Thorned Roses really were just chilling in the background as statues all this time. Yeeeeeah, they are really, really fortunate that Hinnerk didn’t focus on blowing past the rest of Team Elpis to try and free up additional goons, since otherwise they’d have been fairly screwed at that phase of the resumed fight where Ish and Axel were absent.

Though why have they been so quiet all this time, anyways? Since Hinnerk was a downright chatterbox after being Petrified (or at least I think he was Petrified), while you’d think that they’d have more commentary about if nothing else, their Boss getting beat by the kids and the turncoats.

"Oh. Them," Ishmael realised. "...Deal wiv 'em later. Gotta deal wiv this scumbag first. We can deal wiv 'is lackeys after." He brandished the rope as he walked towards Hinnerk. "Now come along, ya brute. We don't want any trouble!"

Ishmael: “Since really, who’s going to free them up anyways?”
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Arian: “Ish, are you seriously saying this while Mik is still out there right now?” >_>;

"Piss off!" the Obstagoon spat. "You're not locking me up! I won't accept this!" He tried to make a move to get back up, but Lillian quickly moved to pin him down, as did Arian.

"Oh no, you don't," the former denied. "You lost, plain and simple. Now stop being such a sore loser and submit! ...Help me with him, Arian," she requested.

She tried
to put his arms behind his back so Ishmael could be in the position to tie him up. Hinnerk struggled, swore and hurled insults at the five, but it was no good. He didn't have the power to push them away.

Ishmael: “... In retrospect, but Axel and I should’ve brought a Slumber Orb over so we could’ve just skipped the entire second half of that fight and just tied these jokers up, huh?” ^^;
Lillian: “Meh, not like the story was going to let us get away with that. And this makes for a much better war story.”

Eventually, the knot was firmly tied, and doubly so as a precaution (Elvira pointed out that someone as crafty as Hinnerk might know how to break free from such a knot, and Ishmael saw her point).

Ishmael: “I honestly think you’re sweating things a bit too much, Treecko. Since you did sucker this guy into agreeing to do a 1v3 fight without items.”
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Hinnerk: “Grrr… when I get out of these ropes, I’m gonna turn you into a pair of boots, Krokorok.”
Ishmael: “Okay, you know what? I’m gonna triple-knot these ropes. Just to be sure.” ._.;

"Right," the Krokorok declared, once the knot had been tied. "Now then - " But before he could continue, he was rudely interrupted.

"Hold it right there."

The quintet froze. They knew that voice all too well. And for Arian and Elvira, a chill crept down each of their spines.

Not him...Why now?

Arian: “... It’s that Seviper again, isn’t it?” >_<

"How sickening," Mikhail's voice drawled. "You make your moves with such confidence, and speak of such lofty dreams. It's loathsome."

All looked over to see the Seviper by the edge of the pier. But to their horror, he was not the only one present. Along with him...were the captured Flora and Tamara, still bound and eyes wide with fear. His coils were wrapped around them.

"Flora! Tamara!" Elvira cried out.

TR!Electabuzz: “Ah! Mik! Quick! Get us unstuck and that way we can help free-!”
Mikhail: “Shut up, I’m in the middle of something here.”

"You asshole!" Axel raged. "Where have you been hiding?!"

"Let go of her!" demanded Arian. "Let go of them right now!"

"...In a way, though," Mikhail continued, ignoring the cries of protest from the group. "It's quite fun to hear someone speak so loftily of their dreams. ...Because it makes it all the more satisfying to bring those dreams crashing down to reality. Especially when it's the hero's actions that cause it."

Boy are these guys fortunate that Mikhail just ignored all those petrified Thorned Roses who otherwise could’ve served as backup for him. ^^;

"What do you mean?" Lillian demanded.

"Your smoke bombs allowed me to take cover and find a hiding place," the Seviper elaborated, a devious grin on his face. "That was your doing. And because of that…the lives of these two’s lives will be snuffed like a candlelight."

Mik, you do realize that if you go through with this right now, you’re going to be facing down 5 opponents out for your blood all on your own, 3 of which have a type advantage against you. ^^;


His coils tightened around Flora and Tamara. In reaction to this, Hinnerk let out an evil laugh.

"Yes…" he grinned, despite his pinned down state. "Kill them, Mikhail! Make them suffer! Destroy the wills of these upstarts!"

"As you wish," obliged Mikhail.

Arian: “H-Hey! Don’t be hasty here! You’re outnumbered 5 to 1 right now!”
Mikhail: “More like you’re outnumbered 7 to 5. I think I know my odds a bit better than you, whelp.”
TR!Fraxure: “Technically it’s 6 to 5 since Chuck hasn’t gotten out of the lake yet, though uh… you were going to free us so we could help you kill them, ri-?”
Mikhail: “Fraxure, if you don’t shut your face in five seconds, so help me, I’ll gut you before taking care of these brats!”

[ ]

"Don't you dare!" shouted Lillian. "Don't you even consider it!" She began to run for him. But in doing so, she left her place where she had Hinnerk pinned. The Obstagoon, seeing a chance, tried to take advantage of this. However, Axel saw this, and moved in accordingly.

"No, you don't! Stay down!" he ordered, taking Lillian's place.

The Sandslash's move was also a mistake in another way. Mikhail moved his blade-like tail to Tamara's throat in response to her run.

"One more step," he threatened. "And I'll send her straight to hell."

Arian: “Okay, in retrospect, we really shouldn’t have broken Hinnerk out of Petrification and spent more time going after Tamara and Flora.”
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Elvira: “Actually, I’m pretty sure he never was petrified now that I think about it… even if he did kinda just stand there while we were popping items for a bit, so it’s a bit hard to tell.” ^^;

Lillian stopped in her tracks. [ ]

"Good. Like an obedient lackey. Like you should have been all along, you turncoat."

"Damn you, Mikhail!" blasted the Sandslash. "Taking hostage of an innocent soul like this one...How can you be so remorseless?"

"You wouldn't know. And you never will," the Seviper replied. "I am who I am. But for mercenaries like you, I am the ideal prey. However, I am well familiar with games of predator and prey, and the Thorned Roses will not become prey for the likes of you!"

It might make sense to show off Mik’s reaction to Lillian here, and I’m not really sure if I’m feeling those last two lines since Lillian’s dialogue feels like it’s veering off in a direction that’s not really related to the present moment, while Mik probably doesn’t want to validate his opponent’s framing about who he is. e.x. as a throwaway suggestion for a potential tweak to the last two paragraphs:

"Damn you, Mikhail!" the Sandslash hissed. "Taking an innocent soul hostage like this..."

"Gets me results, just like it’s doing now. Not that a mercenary like you would ever understand," the Seviper replied. “Don’t think that I haven’t heard of your lot going on about your games of ‘predator and prey’. I and the Thorned Roses will never fall to the likes of you!"

There’s other ways of pulling it off, but I figured that it’d help get the idea factory spun up.


He held his tail closer to Tamara's neck, which made the Electric-type's fear spike. She tried to beg him to stop, but her voice was muffled by the gag.

"How about I prove that, here and now?" the Seviper sneered.

Mikhail's words were understood by his foes, who all reacted in a similar way.

"Wait! Don't!" Axel called out, suddenly panicked.

"Mik!" a furious Ishmael raged. "I'll rip ya to shreds!"

Wait, what is this “similar way” here? Since just from the dialogue, Axel and Ish seem to be having fairly different reactions to each other given that Ish reads significantly more combative than Axel.

"Let go of her!" Lillian demanded, ready to break into a run once more, even though the chances of getting to Tamara before Mikhail did away with her were extremely slim, at best. [ ]

"No! This can't be happening!" Elvira yelled. "Flora! Tamara!"

"No...It can't be…" Arian mumbled. "Not when we were so close…"

It probably makes sense to dwell on Elvira and Arian’s panicking / BSODing reactions a bit more. Like I kinda get that’s what you’re going for from their dialogue, but it could be played up a bit more to help your audience visualize it better.

He could feel his vision begin to blur, and his hearing become fuzzy and unresponsive to the outside world. One thought permeated his mind.

I failed you, Tamara.

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I mean, I doubt this is how things will really end, but still.

Then, something unusual happened. Along with this thought, another voice seemed to ring in his head.

"I-I've failed everyone...Everyone's dead because I was too weak. All I could do was watch them die…Why?! Why couldn't I do anything?!"

I can’t tell if this is meant to refer to Tamara and Flora, or if this memories from some past event that didn’t get nuked by Arian’s amnesia.

It sounded somewhat distant. But the voice also sounded anguished and tearful, as if a great loss had affected them.

What was that? Arian wondered. What did I just hear? What was that voice? His head was full of questions regarding this the sudden occurrence to him voice he remembered. It also struck fear into him, hearing this voice speak their words with such angst and sorrow.

Okay, it’s a past memory. Though what on earth was Arian’s life like as a human if he had that lingering around in his head? .-.

However, he had little time to dwell on such thoughts, when he was snapped back to the outside world by what was going on.

Mikhail was ready and poised to kill Flora and Tamara. It seemed inevitable he would succeed in this, and they would breathe her last.

"Time to die."

Oh hey, there’s an image macro for this moment:

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I do wonder if it should be played up at all as to what’s giving Mik this confidence in spite of being outnumbered, though. Like if it’s something as simple as “I’m healthy and fighting at full strength while you’re struggling to stay on your feet with depleted items”, you’d think that he’d explicitly bring that up as some sort of “try me, buddy” moment.

He tightened his coils and raised his tail, ready to end their lives…

"I wouldn't try it, Seviper!"

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Suddenly, a new voice pierced through the air. And before Mikhail could react, he suddenly became on the receiving end of a Mud Bomb.

Ah yes, Melchior has entered the chat.

"Agh! What in blazes?!" the snake seethed, covered in mud. On top of that, the surprise attack caused him to loosen his hold on the girls. "Who dares to attack me?!"

[ ]


"Mud Bomb? And that voice..." Elvira's eyes widened in realisation. "Could it be...?"

I’m… a little surprised that Mik didn’t try to just run Tamara and Flora through right there while they were still close and that the rest of Team Elpis didn’t have to fight more to pull them to safety. Unless the idea is that he’s still holding the two but looser.

The Treecko's hopes were confirmed in the next few moments. From the water behind the pier, a blue shape suddenly leapt out of the water and tackled Mikhail, managing to completely wrestle his control of Flora and Tamara free.

Ah, I see that Mik did indeed still have somewhat of a hold on the girls. That wasn’t fully clear a bit earlier.

"Dear, oh dear," the new arrival said, its voice a distinct masculine one. "I can't have you ruin everything at the last minute. Not after they all pulled off a splendid victory against Hinnerk. And killing not one, but two of Elvira's childhood friends? How despicable."

He had Mikhail pinned, and the snake squirmed angrily, trying to escape his grip. At one point, though, the Seviper was able to turn his head around and look at who was restraining him. Upon seeing him, though, he froze.

Mikhail: “Oh. Oh shi-
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Arian: “I’m sorry, but who is this again that’s making Mik freak out so much?” ^^;

This was someone who Hinnerk had warned him about on a number of occasions through the Thorned Roses' reign. Someone who the Obstagoon had frequently ranted about and would be all too glad to dispose of himself.

Mikhail found himself looking into the eyes of a glaring Swampert.

Arian: “Wait, wait, wait. Elvira, I thought that you said that this Chief was your father. Who’s this, then?”
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Elvira: “Er… well, I thought that the Chief would be my dad, but this is almost as good! This is-!”

"The likes of you can't be reasoned with. And the same can be said of your boss." He looked over at the group pinning Hinnerk down, with his gaze lingering on Elvira for a second longer than anyone else. But he then turned to Hinnerk, whose fury only intensified as they locked eyes.

"You!" the Thorned Roses' leader snarled. "Mud Bomber Melchior of Team Marshwood! How dare you show your face here!"

Melchior: “I mean, you’re tied up, your second-in-command is pinned under my foot, and all those other goons of yours are still just standing as statues in the background, so…”
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TR!Fraxure: “Er… yeah, that was kinda a missed opportunity for us there, Mik.” [ohnowen]
- Meanwhile, coming up the pier -
TR!Umbreon: “Hey! I’m able to move arou-!”
- And casually gets dropped by a Hammer Arm to the head from Melchior -
Melchior: “So sounded like it was as good a time for me to drop in, really.” :V

"Melchior of Team...?" Arian cocked his head, before remembering. "Oh, of course! Your dad's partner!" he exclaimed, turning to Elvira.

"Yup. That's our Chief, alright," Ishmael declared proudly. "Melchior outta Team Marshwood. Ya really can't do much better than 'im."

Yeah, I had a feeling.

"Melchior…" Elvira was awestruck, and relieved. "So you were the Chief all along…"

"But hang on a minute," Arian then spoke up, slightly confused. "I thought - " However, before he could voice his thoughts, Hinnerk's voice cut through his own.

"Melchior!" he raged. "You son of a bitch! Once again, thanks to your meddling, my good life lies in ruin once again!"

Melchior: “No, it already crashed and burned before I showed up. I’m just here to twist the knife and stop your second-in-command’s ill-advised attempt at a spite gambit.”
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"Meddling?" Melchior shook his head. "I did nothing of the sort." As he spoke, he kept one hand on the squirming Mikhail, and the other worked to untie the binds and gags on Flora and Tamara. "I didn't plan to have you taken down so easily. And I especially didn't plan on entrusting that task to Elvira and Arian over there."

I’m a little surprised that Melchior is able to do this with Flora and Tamara instead of outsourcing it to Lillian or Axel for claw duty since you’d think that he wouldn’t want to take any chances with Mik given that he’s technically still got most of his health for fighting at the moment.

He nodded to the Riolu in acknowledgment, and the latter felt a slight sense of pride run through him.

Arian: “Wait, wait, wait. How does he know our names again?”
Melchior: “I mean I know Elvira, and word’s been getting around about you two, so…” ^^;

Is this what it's like to be recognised as worthy by a hero? ...Thanks, Melchior. I appreciate it.

"But with aid from Team Sandstream, they managed to win the day against you. Even I can't say I saw that coming. The only time I had to jump in was just there, when Elvira's friends were in great peril."

Melchior's hand had undone Flora and Tamara's gags and now undid the ropes binding them. Then, in an expert flourish, he used those same ropes to tie Mikhail's midsection to a nearby anchoring point. The Seviper hissed and growled and squirmed, but it did him no good. With that nuisance dealt with, Melchior strode forward towards the group with Flora and Tamara close behind him.

I mean, at least he didn’t tie your head to your tail to form an ouroborous loop, Mik? Since you’d think that would more effectively neutralize his sword-tail and fangs in one go. ^^;

"I masterminded nothing, Hinnerk. All I did was get Lillian to guide Elvira and Arian through Ozerograd to meet me. They defeated you on their own, without my help. Serendipity, eh?" He gave a quick approving nod to Elvira, before turning back to Hinnerk. "Your downfall had nothing to do with me."

"What a load of shit!" the Obstagoon spat. "You gave these traitors an elaborate plan! You set them up to foil my trap!"

Melchior: “I mean, I was in town, but no, you conveniently having this attempted curbstomp right on the lakefront was all you, just saying. I just rolled with it.”
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"No, he didn't," Axel denied. "That whole thing about freezing those guys in place with the petrify orb was all our plan. The Chief had nothing to do with it."

"Yup, that's the truth," Ishmael seconded. "Hmm…'s like if ya give yer lackeys room to plan, it'll be better than leavin' yer thinkin' to the bigwigs." He gestured to Mikhail and Hinnerk's tied-up states. "Look where that's got ya now, ya tyrant. Not so tip-top now, are ya?"

TR!Fraxure: “I told you you should’ve freed us-”
Mikhail: “Oh shut up already!” >v-v>

"Grrr…" Hinnerk seethed. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! You're just like that smug prick you call a father!" he yelled at Elvira. "The way you follow in his footsteps, the way you talk, the way you as a mercenary look at yourself like you're the centre of the world...It's every bit like that man! That man that ruined the good life I had back then!"

"Sounds like butthurt feelings to me," mocked Arian.

Arian: “Dude, you were a drug runner smuggler who got involved in an attempted regicide in the past. Really, you should just be thankful that you still have your head on your shoulders right now.”
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"And you!" Hinnerk directed his next words at the Riolu. "You little nobody...You green-eyed freak of a Riolu! Who are you to waltz into my town with her of all people as a partner? You're trying to create a second Team Marshwood, are you? You're just another upstart hopeful who thinks the world revolves around you! An attitude that seems to come a dime a dozen with you mercenary types!"

Arian: “Yes, and? I mean, I don’t think the world really revolves around me, but you sure seemed to be going out of your way to try and make it.”
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"You really don't look in the mirror often, do you?" the human replied, trying to emulate the dryness of Flora's tongue in his own. His hypocrisy is something else…

"And then there's you, Melchior," Hinnerk snarled. "You and Kallias fostered this mercenary-loving attitude in this bitch right here! You talk shit about not being involved - some liar you are! You're one to talk, anyway! Just like how I bet you did something shady with Kallias!"

"What?" The mention of her father drew Elvira's attention.

"I beg your pardon?" Melchior seemed to become rigid at these words.

Ishmael: “Chief, he’s stalling. Just Hammer Arm him and let’s get him out of-”
Melchior: “No, no, I need to hear this one, since it’s not every day that someone like Hinnerk has the gall to accuse me of being up to unsavory business.”
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"Strewth, shaddap, will ya?" Ishmael fired back. "Gettin' tired of 'im, Chief. If I gotta listen to 'is shit all the way back to town, I might just close his trap myself. Wiv' me bare claws," he added, giving the Obstagoon a threatening glare.

"Not now, Ishmael," Melchior insisted. "What are you saying about my partner, Hinnerk?"

Oh hey, turns out I was onto something with that cutaway gag after all.
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"It's interesting that Kallias isn't here," noted the Obstagoon. "What do you have to say to that, Melchior? Everyone's clamouring for the truth, and who better to hear it from than his partner himself? So go on, tell us! The fuck happened to Kallias?"

"That's…" Melchior seemed to falter at this question. Hinnerk grinned at this, while doubt began to fester in Elvira's heart.

"Melchior?" she asked. "Do you know what happened to Dad?"

Melchior: “Okay, on the one hand, I probably should get around to telling you, but can we not do this right in front of a bunch of Pokémon that are connected to Mitrofan and his government? (Especially since your dad’s still alive.)
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Elvira: “Wait, what?!” O_O;

"Of course he does," Hinnerk butted in. "But he'll never tell you. After all, he was always jealous of Kallias. Weren't you?"

[ ]


"You think I was jealous?" Melchior couldn't believe what he was hearing.

[ ]


"Yes! I bet you offed him during the five years you've been gone!" insinuated the raccoon. "And now you can come forward as a standalone hero and hog all the glory for yourself!"

IMO, these two spots would be good ones to dwell a bit on the reactions that Melchior and Hinnerk are having each other, e.x. showing off what Melchior looks like getting visibly offended or something like that.

Melchior: “Hinnerk, are you seriously that incapable of conceptualizing team loyalty that your immediate assumption to my partner being absent is that I killed him?
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Hinnerk: “So, you’re telling me that I’m right, then. Don’t deny it.”


"Be quiet," Melchior demanded.

"It'd be the best way to rope in that rat's spawn, too," Hinnerk went on. "Explain it away as an accident or some shit, and she'll eat it up because you're a good, honest man who can never lie. That's what the whole fucking world sees you as!"

"Shut up." Melchior's demand was more emphatic this time.

Elvira: “You take that back! Melchior would never!
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Hinnerk: “Ooh, hit a nerve, have I girlie? Well, I don’t see Mr. Mudfish denying any of this right now!”
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"Or better yet, how about overthrowing Mitt and putting yourself on that throne?" Hinnerk's theories went on. "That would be the place everyone would want you to be at. You already have supporters! They'd worship you like a god! And it starts here in Ozerograd, by kicking me and the Thorned Roses out of here! So this is where it all begins, you power-hungry - "

"That's enough!"

Melchior's outburst silenced Hinnerk, and came as a shock to everyone else. Judging by the looks on everyone's faces, Arian could tell this was out of character for the mudfish.

I’m honestly a bit surprised that Melchior didn’t just straight-up bean Hinnerk in the head over that, since he seemed to be losing his patience quite a bit in live-time.

"Stand aside, would you all?" Melchior's tone was quiet, and furious. Elvira, Arian, Axel and Ishmael all did so. "Thank you."

"Hah. Look at you," scoffed Hinnerk. "Servants who obey your every order...You and I - "

"We're nothing alike," Melchior cut off. Fury laced his every word. "Don't you compare yourself to me. A battle of morals, a battle between each other, and now a battle of followers - you've lost all three with me. There is no equal when it comes to us. None whatsoever!"

TR!Electabuzz: “Actually, you haven’t beaten anyone else outside of the Boss and Mik yet.”
Melchior: “And are you all going to challenge me if I free you? Against Mud Bomber Melchior?
Petrified!TRs:
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Melchior: “Yeah, I thought so.”
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And with that, the Swampert let loose a blow to Hinnerk's neck. The Obstagoon was seething with ire one moment; the next, he was silent in unconsciousness.

TR!Fraxure: “Okay, yeah, it was a really good thing that we didn’t have to fight this guy.”
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"Finally, 'e shuts 'is trap," Ishmael remarked, relieved. "I was finkin' 'e was never gonna shut up. Good on ya, Chief."

"It's all I can do. He's not the kind of person that will come quietly." Melchior shook his head, "He always was rotten. Even back when he worked for the Guild."

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5vd5cE3n0M

Elvira: “I’m sorry. What?
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Melchior: “Wait, did your dad never tell you about that one? Since… yeah, it’s a long story.” ^^;

"Wait! Hold on a minute!" Arian interrupted. "He worked for the Guild?" He looked incredulously at the unconscious Obstagoon. "Him?"

Ah yes, so Hinnerk used to be on the Irian Guild’s equivalent to Team Meanies/Skull, if obviously without the heel face turn moment.

"Yes, surprisingly enough," Melchior replied. "But he wasn't a compassionate worker. He was only in the job for the money, and didn't care for his clients as a mercenary should. He was troublesome to work with and always resented the success of others. Obviously, because of his attitude, he never reached far up in the ranks, and far preferred to remain jealous rather than clean up his own act."

Oh, so Hinnerk was basically Mumkhar from Xenoblade. Wonderful. [copyber]

"So not a good person at all, then," Arian summarised. "But what's all this about a smuggling ring and a plot?"

That drew a sigh from Melchior. "Seven years ago, we discovered that Hinnerk was dealing in smuggling, and was earning considerable money for it. The people he was dealing with also had a shady plot, which if successful would've destabilised Selenia as we knew it. Kallias and I eventually confronted him, overpowered him, and sent him to be put on trial, where he was then put behind bars."

Geez, Hinnerk. What on earth were you running such that it’d be a danger to the stability of Selenia as a nation? Giant robot girls? Weapons?
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"But why is he not behind bars now?" Arian wondered. "Did he escape?"

Arian: “Also, wait, wait, wait. But he was involved in an attempted assassination plot, how did he go from smuggling to-?”
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Melchior: “That would be the shady plot that I was referencing, but anyways…”

"Seemingly," the Swampert replied. "When Tsar Kliment was killed by Mitrofan, there was a great upheaval in the capital, and chaos enveloped the city. Hinnerk, locked up in Iria's dungeons, must have used that chaos to his advantage and took the opportunity to leg it. Apparently, a number of other convicts escaped with him. No doubt a lot of them helped him form the Thorned Roses in the end. People like him." He looked over at Mikhail. "Despicable people. Some outlaws are capable of being reformed, but...he and Hinnerk are beyond reason."

Just saying, this is why ye olden timey societies had capital punishment. I have to wonder if there’s a backstory is behind Selenia not having capital punishment for attempted regicide is, since that’s definitely something that took a while for IRL societies to not immediately dub axe or exile-worthy behavior.

"Speaking about that, Chief," Axel brought up. "What are we gonna do about them?"

"I told you already, Axel. There are jail cells in town," Lillian reminded. "We can keep them there."

Axel: “And what about all of the other Thorned Roses again? Do we even have that many to go around?” ^^;

"Good thing you studied the town well before we came to this point," praised Melchior. "You're able spies, all of you. You were certainly the right ones to entrust the infiltration to."

"Aw, thanks, Chief," Ishmael replied. "Anythin' to help ya. ...Oh, but, er, somethin' else." He pointed to Arian and Elvira. "Haven't ya a pair to meet?"

[ ]

"Yes. Yes, I do." Melchior turned his attention to Elvira. "Sorry about all that, Elvira. I didn't mean to keep you waiting."

For a second, I thought that they were going to be brought to Kallias, but I suppose Melchior does have quite a bit of catching up to do.

"It's alright, Melchior," Elvira dismissed. "We had to go through all this first. There were more important things to deal with." There was a brief pause. "It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"It has, indeed," the Swampert acknowledged. "Five whole years. I would've come by, but I had to go into hiding, to avoid detection from Mitrofan. And for my own sake..."

Oh, so there was an interval of at most 2 years between that regicide plot and Mitrofan’s overthrow. Noted.

"...As long as you're safe. Mom and I were quite worried about you. After Dad had mysteriously disappeared, we thought you might have met the same fate. Thank the Creator you're alright."

[ ]

"How is Zenobia?" Melchior asked.

"She's fine. But she broke her leg a few weeks ago. So I've been looking after her recently," Elvira replied.

[ ]


"Oh dear, I hope she gets better soon," Melchior murmured.

Another spot where some more description feels like it’d be called for, especially since it’s a vector for getting to know how Melchior ticks as a character.

"Yeah. Thankfully, my friends Flora and Tamara offered to help look after her while Arian and I went out doing mercenary work," the Treecko informed. Then, the mention of her friends made her remember them. "Flora! Tamara! Are you both okay?"

"...A few cuts and bruises," the former admitted.

"But we're fine," Tamara replied. "We nearly weren't fine, but you beat down Hinnerk, and then you saved us," she said, directing the last statement at Melchior. "Thanks so much. I really did think I was gonna die…"

I’m honestly surprised that these two don’t need more calming down after almost getting their throats slit by a giant sword-tailed snake, but I suppose Tamara at the very least has experience with near-death experiences with Thorned Roses. ^^;

"Or be carted off," Flora mentioned. "Sacrificed, like what Mikhail was saying."

"Sacrificed?" Melchior queried.

- Everyone’s eyes turn to Mikhail -
Mikhail: “Er… yeah, in retrospect, I should’ve kept my mouth shut about that until I made it to the site of the rite, huh?” ·v-v·

"Oh yeah. Somefin' Mik was goin' on 'bout," Ishmael answered. "'Swot 'e called the folks that went poof. Sacrifices."

"It sounds sinister," Axel replied. "What do you think he means by 'sacrifices'?"

Ishmael: “Oh come on, Axel. You know. Making a ‘mon’s insides their outsides while they’re screaming bloody murder in order to appease some dark god? That sort of thing?”
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Melchior: “Well, I hope it’s nothing that visceral, since we’ve got a ‘T’ rating to maintain.” .-.

"Nothing good, that's for sure," Melchior responded. "We'll get to the bottom of this once we clear out the Thorned Roses. To think, this happened where Elvira grew up…" He shook his head in what seemed like self-admonishment.

"Hey…Chief?" Axel queried. "How do you and Elvira know each other?"

"Ah yes. Elvira and I go back," Melchior said, before gesturing at the Treecko. "Besides being a famous mercenary, my partner Fernblade Kallias was also a loving husband, and a father to an only child. That’s her She standing before you right now." He gestured to the Treecko. "Elvira is none other than Kallias's daughter."

"What?!" Ishmael and Axel cried in unison.

Some slight redundancies and iffy bits that I suggested dealing with for Melchior’s line here.

[ ]


"...I thought that might have been the case," Lillian murmured, a stunned expression on her face. "But I thought that couldn't be right, that this random Treecko - no offence, Elvira - could really be related to the Fernblade Kallias. Funny, how the far-out guess was the correct one…"

[ ]


"I've another question," Axel piped up once again. "What about Arian?"

[ ]


"Arian? I haven't met him before today," Melchior replied, taking a closer look at the Riolu. "...Hm. Green eyes…how unusual. I'd like to hear the story of how you and Elvira met. But that's for another time. For now…we have quite a bit to get done here before we can rest easy." His gaze was directed at the petrified Thorned Roses. "Stand back, everyone. We must deal with them first."

Some more suggestions for description that can be dropped in in this part. Since the conversation is taking a turn, but there’s not much transition between sections.

TR!Electabuzz: “Oh boy, this is gonna suck.”
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Melchior then unleashed a wave of Muddy Water towards the six petrified Thorned Roses, in order to snap them out of their frozen state. Realising what this implied, Arian and Elvira both braced themselves for a fight.

"Argh! Muddy Water? Who the hell would - " one of the Thorned Roses said, before breaking off once they saw who was in front of them.

Oh, so Petrification doesn’t allow you to keep speaking in this setting. I’m… actually not sure what happened with Hinnerk earlier on, then. Since you’d think that he wouldn’t have just allowed

"A Swampert?" the Electabuzz from before observed, before his eyes went wide with horror. "N-No…it can't be!"

"Your boss has been defeated," Melchior announced to them. "Hinnerk has fallen to us. And with his defeat goes your last vestiges of control in this town."

TR!Umbreon: “W-Wait, but there’s still a ton of us in Ozerograd still!”
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Melchior: “(Wait, didn’t I Hammer Arm you in the head? When did you get back up?) And really now, do you think that anyone else from your ranks can last against Mud Bomber Melchior?
TRs:
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"The Boss was defeated?" the Umbreon from before said, aghast, before his eyes laid upon the Obstagoon's unconscious form, surrounded by Teams Elpis and Sandstream. "No…No way…"

"No! This can't be happening!" the Golbat cried. "The Boss is the strongest of us all…How could he have lost? …You'll pay for this, you asshole!"

Melchior: “Come and take a swing at me, then. I’m waiting.”
TR!Golbat: “I… er… uh… Chuck, you’re tanky. You go first and I’ll back you up-”
TR!Umbreon: “Dude, leave me out of this!”
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"You idiot!" chastised the Umbreon. "Do you realise who you're talking to? Even the Boss can't stand up to someone like him!"

"Him?" The Golbat did a double take, before gasping in alarm. "A Swampert…Is it really…?"

"M-M-M-M-Mud Bomber Melchior!" another Thorned Rose, a Zangoose, yelled in terror.

Arian: “Whelp, I suppose that confirms that all of those funny dialogue moments are out the window given that they couldn’t hear us either while Petrified.”
Elvira: “I mean, if they did, Hinnerk probably would’ve bothered to free them earlier on, and we’d probably have been overrun and died. So it’s all good.” ^^;

"There's no way…There's no way we can beat someone like him!" the Electabuzz protested. "Team Marshwood…They're practically invincible! Even one of them's way too strong for us!"

"That's quite right," Melchior replied. "So if you all know what's good for you, you'll dismantle the Thorned Roses and free the people of Ozerograd from your tyranny."

Arian: “... Wait, we’re really just going to let them scurry off like that? Since these guys seem like the type to go straight to robbing travelers in the boonies.” .-.
Melchior: “Meh, it’s nothing that a budding guild of mercenaries can’t handle for handling mop-up.” ^^;

"You will not demand such things of us!" hissed Mikhail from where he was tied up. "The Thorned Roses will not fall because of you, Mud Bomber Melchior!"

"...Yeah!" seconded the Primeape from before,. "You're not stopping us from this, even if you are some hero! Come on, guys!" he beckoned to his comrades. "Let's kill him for what he did to the Boss!"

"Strength in numbers," said the Electabuzz. "If all six of us rush him together…then we might have a chance!"

Melchior: “I’m sorry, but I literally just hit all of you with Muddy Water. Do you really think that I can’t do it again?” >:|

"Let's do it! Let's kick his ass!" shouted the Fraxure.

Ishmael: “Whelp, these guys are officially too dumb to live. Have fun with ‘em, Chief.”


"You all want to challenge me?" Melchior said. "Very well. Bring it on!" He punched his fists together. "It's been a while since I've had a good challenge. Will you have what it takes?"

"Six on one?" Arian observed with slight worry, analysing the situation. "Can he do it?"

"Can 'e do it?" Ishmael said, with a light scoff. "'E's the Chief, mate! We wouldn't respect 'im if 'e was a wuss."

Elvira: “Wait, wait, wait. We’re seriously just sitting back and letting Melchior fight this alone? I thought that we were going to fight alongside him!”
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Ishmael: “I mean, he is the Chief for a reason. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
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"You don't have anything to worry about, Arian," reassured Elvira. The Riolu was surprised to see not a hint of worry in her expression. "My dad and Melchior wouldn't have gotten to Grandmaster Rank if they didn't have anything to show for it. Even alone, Melchior's more than capable of handling these goons. Just watch."

"If you say so…" Arian replied, still slightly nervous.

Oh huh, I misjudged who would be worried about Melchior doing a 6v1, even if I was correct that not everyone was just going to be okay with him doing that.

The Primeape was the first one to launch himself at Melchior. His arms were crossed, and energy lit up his hands, indicating he was going to use Cross Chop. The Swampert watched carefully, not moving a muscle.

Much to Arian's surprise, Melchior never dodged out of the way. The Primeape's hit landed, and the Swampert took it. There was no massive knockback, though; he stood his ground firmly.

"A good hit," he commended. "But all you did was fuel my attack."

His right fist then curled around and slugged the Primeape across his form. The monkey had no time to react before Melchior's move sent him flying. He landed face-first in the cobblestones, and was subsequently knocked unconscious.

TR!Umbreon: “Hey, what happened to all rushing him at once?!” O_O;
TR!Electabuzz: “Oh, shut up, Chuck. I didn’t see you running in to get Countered yourself there.” >_>;

"Whoa! What was that?" Arian asked, amazed by the sight before him.

"Counter," Elvira informed him. "It returns the damage dealt to whoever uses it right back at their attacker. Melchior's a great user of it. It's been very useful for him and Dad in the past."

"I see…" the human murmured. So Melchior has moves like that at his disposal. …Maybe Elvira's right. We really don't have anything to worry about, if he's that strong.

Melchior: “Last chance to run, just saying.”

"Th-That's…" The Electabuzz faltered briefly, but steeled himself. "You might be strong against one of us. But you can't take on five of us at once! Everyone! Let's beat his skull in and let him know just who he's dealing with!"

Ishmael:
giphy.gif

Arian: “Wait, where on earth did you even get that popcorn from?” .-.
Ishmael: “I keep a stash for spectating obviously lopsided battles?” ^^;

The group of five Thorned Roses, consisting of an Electabuzz, an Umbreon, a Fraxure, a Golbat and a Zangoose, charged at the Swampert, each with their own moves charged and ready. Again, Melchior seemed to do nothing, right up until the moment that they were about to strike.

Then, suddenly, he threw a Mud Bomb in front of his foes. Due to their close proximity, the mud succeeded in blinding them all for a moment.

"Agh!" cried out the Electabuzz, wiping mud from his eyes. "Wait a minute…What? Where's he gone to?"

Off to do an AOE move that’s going to make your lives really miserable. My money is on Surf since you’re on a pier right now.

In an instant, Melchior had disappeared. However, it was obvious how he had vanished, as a tunnel was visible where he once stood.

"He used Dig!" the Golbat yelled. "That coward! He's hiding from us!"

TR!Zangoose: “Wait, but we’re on a pier right now. How in the hell-?!” O_O;


"He's under us!" the Zangoose cried out fearfully. "Careful, everyone! He could strike at any moment!"

'Any moment' turned out to not be long at all. Before any of them could react, Melchior suddenly emerged from the ground and struck the Electabuzz with an outstretched fist. The Electric-type cried in pain, before falling onto the ground, unconscious.

"Give it up," Melchior said to the Thorned Roses. "You have no chance."

Ishmael: “What’s this, the ‘Thorned Roses’? Or the ‘Thorned Cowards?’” >:V
Arian: “Ishmael, what on earth are you-?”
TR!Golbat: “Hey! Nobody calls us cowards! Nobody!
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- Ishmael goes back to munching popcorn -
Ishmael: “Hey, if it worked on their Boss, I figured it’d work on them, too.” ^^

"That's what you think!" the Golbat returned. "Take this!" He flew towards Melchior, with a Poison Fang ready to sink into him. Meanwhile, at the same time, the other three charged at the Swampert for another go.

Axel: “Psst! Ish! Pass me some of that popcorn!”

Once again, Melchior waited for a good chance to attack. He waited until the Golbat swooped low enough and the three came close enough, before unleashing a wave of Muddy Water upon the four Thorned Roses. It succeeded in covering all four of them in wet, grimy mud.

"Urgh!" groaned the Fraxure feeling the mud cling to his scales. "I hate all this mud…"

"What? I'm not called Mud Bomber Melchior for nothing," the Swampert replied. "Mud is my speciality. Have some more!" He then threw another Mud Bomb, this time aiming it at the Umbreon. "And there's plenty more where that came from!"

Arian: “Yeesh. I almost feel sorry for them. Almost.
Team Elpis Minus Arian:
giphy.gif

Mikhail: “Okay, you know what? Screw it, I don’t care anymore. If Hinnerk’s best ‘mons would be dumb enough to fall for this, the Thorned Roses were always going to fall.” >v-v>

More Mud Bombs were thrown, and very quickly, Arian could see the reason for his namesake - the sheer amount of times he used the move. But his throwing arm was superb, and just about every throw hit his opponents square on. Not to mention, he was skilfully resisting every attack that was thrown his way, and parrying seemed like second-nature to him.

With that kind of skill…it's easy to see why he's called a hero.

I mean, it helps that he’s probably got the equivalent of like 50 levels on all these guys.

The Mud Bombs whittled away at the foes on the ground. Meanwhile, Melchior's Muddy Water made quick work of the Golbat, and soon he was downed, as well. The Swampert pressed home his advantage, and before long, made quick work of the Fraxure. And despite the Umbreon's natural hardiness, he couldn't resist Melchior's attacks forever, and before long, he was sent into unconsciousness as well.

There was only one Thorned Rose left: the Zangoose. His fur was caked in wet mud, and fear was written all over his face as he looked at his fallen comrades. His gaze was then drawn to Melchior's, and he squeaked at the hardened look the mudfish gave him.

"I-I surrender!" he yelled in panic. "Please don't hurt me! Please! I won't fight back! anymore, I promise!"

Ishmael: “Dammit, I was hoping he’d go down swinging instead of just rolling over like this. I still had popcorn to spare.” -_-;

"...Do you swear?" Melchior asked him.

"I swear!" The Zangoose lowered his head in defeated submission. "I won't fight back! I won't! I’m done! I don’t want any trouble! Please believe me…"

The Zangoose’s dialogue feels a bit samey to his earlier “I surrender” bit, so it probably makes sense to change the phrasing or nuance a bit.

Melchior went silent, as he considered the mongoose's words.

"...Very well. I accept your surrender," he said. "But do something first."

"What is it?" the Zangoose meekly asked.

"Return to the new town and tell your comrades of what happened here," Melchior requested. "Tell them to disperse and flee the town. If they don't, then they will face the full wrath of Mud Bomber Melchior. You saw how effortlessly I swept aside these five. And I still have plenty of energy to expend in defeating your comrades, one by one if I must. Do you understand, Zangoose?"

Lillian: “Okay, I’d normally question the wisdom of just letting him go and alert all his buddies so they can run away, Chief, but I suppose it would save us the trouble of fighting an entire town’s worth of Thorned Roses if even some of them cleared out in advance…” ^^;

"I-I do," the Cat Ferret Pokémon replied, quivering like a leaf.

"Then go. If the Thorned Roses aren't out of town by the time I get up there, then there will be hell to pay. Got it?"

"Y-Y-Yes!" the Zangoose cried, and within seconds, had turned around and ran for it, through the old town and back up to the new one.

Axel: “Wait, Chief, is it just me, or did that Zangoose leave a damp trail when he bolted?”
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Melchior: “I mean, I suppose I did leave him sopping wet from that fight… I’m just gonna assume that’s what that’s from and not question it since we’ve got a T rating to maintain.” ^^;

When he had disappeared from sight, Melchior let out a sigh.

"I must admit that I never was one for the limelight," he said. "But it does have its perks. Being known across Ardalion as a bane of criminals would make a number of them shiver in their boots. …I do hope this works."

Arian: “Wait, you mean that you couldn’t take on an entire town of Thorned Roses?”
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Melchior: “I mean, I’d have a fighting chance, at least, but I’d rather not throw my back out from stomping that many ‘mons.”

"Course it will!" Ishmael replied. "Ya don't give yerself enough credit, Chief. The sight of ya'd make any ol' crim run for the 'ills. Like that Zang there."

"Hmm…" Lillian, however, didn't seem to be as upbeat as Ishmael.

"Something up, Lillian?" Axel asked.

"Oh, it's just…I know that Zangoose," the Sandslash answered. "His name's Yuri, and I've been paired with him a few times. He's actually tolerable, compared to some of the people in the Thorned Roses. …Guess I just felt a bit sorry for the guy, being on the receiving end of your speech, Chief."

I kinda wonder if this should’ve been foreshadowed a bit more from Lillian’s interactions or else his appearance when being summoned to fight by Hinnerk, since… yeah. There weren’t any real descriptions of anyone from Hinnerk’s backup crew not being obviously ready to just murder everyone on Team Elpis over the past two chapters.

"Yeah…I never realised you could be so fearsome, Melchior," Elvira said. "You were always so polite around me and Mom when you and Dad would visit. I had no idea you could make someone quiver in fear like that Zangoose."

"It can't be helped," the Swampert replied. "Sometimes, to put down a gang like the Thorned Roses, you must use their own tactics against them. But given the intimidation the Thorned Roses gave to the townsfolk of Ozerograd, sometimes it's satisfying to give them a taste of their own medicine. …Kallias would've loved it."

Melchior: “Also, I’d heard that we actually managed to make Hinnerk freak out like this back in the day, so… yeah. His faceless goons were always going to be a bit easier to handle.” ^^;
Elvira: “Actually… did you knock out Mikhail as collateral? Or else how is he taking things at the moment?”
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Mikhail:
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Elvira: “Oh, that good, huh?” :V

"That reminds me," Elvira spoke up. "Melchior…you and Dad went into hiding together five years ago. But why is it only you here?" She looked around, trying to find signs of her Sceptile father. "Where is he? Where's my dad?"

Melchior seemed to grow tense at those words. It was at this moment that Arian noticed a change in his emotions.

Is that fear I sense in him? And…shame?

… Oh, guess we’re going to get a mood-wrecker right about now after all.
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"Well…I…" The Swampert seemed to stall in answering the question. This did not go unnoticed by Elvira, whose own expression turned into one of worry.

"...Melchior? Did something happen to him?"

[ ]


"..." Still no answer. It was perhaps lucky for him that the group's attention was soon diverted by the voices of the townsfolk.

Elvira: “... Melchior? My dad is alive at least, right?”
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"It's him! It's really him!"

"Mud Bomber Melchior's alive! Can you believe it?"

"Team Marshwood has returned to us!"

"O Creator, bless our souls, there's hope! There's hope at last for all of us!"

A small crowd of townsfolk were making their way to the pier's entrance. Seeing them, Melchior turned to Elvira.

Arian: “... Wait, just where have all these Pokémon been all this time, anyways?” ^^;
Lillian: “Meh, Hinnerk probably forced them to clear out, and spectating Thorned Rose business without one of their armbands always was a dicey proposition…”

"There is much to talk about," he said to her. "But now's not the time." He turned back to the crowd, who had all of their eyes on Melchior, with amazement and admiration dotting the gaze of all that were there.

"I thought I was hallucinating when I saw a Swampert enter town earlier," a middle-aged Kricketune near the front of the crowd remarked. "To think it's actually Mud Bomber Melchior in the flesh..."

"Where have you been all this time?" wondered a Quagsire.

I’m a little surprised that nobody’s noticed Mikhail tied to a mooring or Hinnerk and the other TRs lying around passed out at the moment. Since you’d think that they’d be hard to miss and that the villagers would have some thoughts about seeing their once-tormenters humbled like that.

"I'm sure you all have many questions," Melchior said to the gathered audience. "I will answer them in due time. But for now, the pressing task remains ousting the Thorned Roses from this town. We must act now, and leave those questions for later."

"Yeah, sure. We'll even help you shoo 'em out of town!" volunteered a Crawdaunt. "Even if there's some bad blood with the new town folk, the Thorned Roses are both our problems. They're a nasty bunch, kickin' us out of our own houses and bein' a great nuisance. We'd be happy to help you, Mud Bomber Melchior. …Oh, and you folks too," he added, acknowledging Teams Elpis and Sandstream. "Thanks to you, that blackheart Hinnerk was defeated. An impressive feat for youngsters like yourselves."

While I wouldn’t be shocked at there being bad blood between Old and New Ozerograd, I kinda wonder if this wasn’t really played up prior to this chapter since we didn’t really get an acknowledgement that this was a thing from any of the characters in town.

"Doin' wot mercs do, mate," Ishmael replied. "Folks like these two tossers 'ere - " He pointed to Hinnerk and Mikhail. "They've 'ad long enough in the sun. Let's 'ave someone new, who ain't gonna fuck anyfin' up."

"Indeed, Ishmael. You need not wait much longer for freedom," Melchior assured the townspeople. "They'll be out of here by sundown. And if you're all willing to help, we might finish it sooner than that." He then turned to his fellow mercenaries. "You five. Take Hinnerk and bring him up to the jail cells in town."

"Got it," Axel obliged.

"Good. I'll take Mikhail." Melchior marched over to where the snake was tied up.

TR!Umbreon: “I mean, at least the villagers have forgotten about the rest of us in the process?” @.@
Melchior: “Oh, and someone take care of the rest of these jokers, too.”
TR!Golbat: “Good going, Chuck.” X_X

"You…" hissed the snake. "Mud Bomber Melchior, mark my words! This isn't over! Not for one minute! You and your band of mercenaries, and especially you, Arian and Elvira…I won't stop until I see you both dead in the dirt! You'll live to regret this! The Thorned Roses will not be forgotten! You'll - "

Arian:
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"Oh, put a sock in it, ya piece of shit!" Ishmael interrupted. "Axel! Give me the bag."

"Okay," agreed the Gligar. "Why do you want it?"

"This," the Krokorok declared, pulling out a seed. "This oughta shut ya up, ya scalebag." He walked towards the Seviper.

"You won't!" Mikhail yelled, struggling against his binds. "You bastard! How dare you do this to me?! You - "

Ishmael threw the seed into his mouth. By accident, the Seviper bit into it, and within a few seconds, he had succumbed to unconsciousness.

I kinda wonder if there could’ve been more of a hint that this was a Sleep Seed.

Ishmael: “D’aww, aren’t you a little angel all dozing like this?” >:V

"There," the sand crocodile said in relief. "Now shush, like yer boss."

"What was that? What did you use?" Arian asked, confused as to what exactly happened.

"Sleep seed," Ishmael answered. "Eat one, and ya'll be out like a light. Good for shutting the lot like 'im up. …Ya never seen one 'fore?"

"Um…no," Arian replied truthfully. After saying this, he feared that this would prompt questions about his amnesia, and braced himself. But luckily, Elvira stepped in before Ishmael could respond.

Axel: “Wait, really? Since they’re not exactly rare items to come across in Mystery Dungeons.”
Arian: “Look, I have amnesia, alright? So a lot of stuff has been feeling new to me.” >_>;

"There are more pressing matters to attend to," she told them. "Let's attend to those before we bombard each other with questions."

"I get ya," Ishmael replied in understanding. "Questions later, just like wiv the Chief."

"Let's get going. Hopefully the Thorned Roses have got the message by now," Melchior announced. "And if they don't…then we shall bring the fight to them." He looked at his fellow mercenaries, all of whom gave nods of approval. After untying the slumbering Mikhail, Melchior led the congregation through Ozerograd Quay and up to the new town.

Lillian: “Whelp, I guess we’re going to find out just how effective an advocate Yuri was for us. Otherwise this is going to be a big mess.” ^^:

Near to the front were Teams Elpis and Sandstream, carrying Hinnerk between them. As they walked, one member's thoughts drifted to the earlier exchange between Elvira and Melchior, before the crowd showed up.

What could that be all about? Arian wondered. Could Melchior be hiding something? I don't want to think bad of him, but…there's definitely more to this than meets the eye.

And once again, that unanswerable question came back to him.

Just what did happen to Elvira's dad?

Arian: “Hey, Melchior? You never did say what happened to Elvira’s dad. Just saying.”
Melchior: “Oh, right. Er… I’ll tell you all later since we’re kinda busy right now.” ^^;
Arian: “(Yeah, we’re gonna have to pry it out of him, aren’t we?)” >_>;


Alright, another beefy chapter and another beefy review, so I suppose it’s only natural to give a cliff’s notes to things:

As usual, the main standout of this chapter is the characterization. Like there’s a lot of things that the characters do wrong as part of their battle strategies, but a lot of them seem to make sense for the way that different characters tick. Like Arian’s obviously not going to know how things work in a Pokémon setting, and Hinnerk and Mikhail in their own ways are both characters where pride and personal insecurities were going to play outsized roles in how they operated, even if it meant shooting themselves in the foot. You also did a good job at selling a sense of drama, and for a while, I was actually unsure if you were legitimately going to kill off Tamara and Flora when Mik had them dead to rights. It was also fun to see Melchior come into the plot. Like yeah, I got spoiled that he was a thing, but his entrance was still memorable, and you gave some fun teases about there something not being quite right with whatever went on between him and Kallias that will be interesting to see how it shakes out.

As for the flaws… well, as you can see from the line-by-line, I obviously found some, even if on net balance, I still had fun with the chapter. I’ll avoid repeating the “put in more description and internal thoughts” and “tweak your paragraph structure” criticisms since you’ve seen that enough already and it’s elaborated on in the line-by-line, but it is an issue I observed.

As for issues more specific to this chapter, I noticed that there were some issues with “by the way” where we’re finding out things that have been happening or else have been going on with the characters offscreen for the first time right when the plot calls for it. Like there was the whole story behind why Team Elpis gets their name… which was mentioned and hinted at at exactly zero points prior to this from what I could see from looking back at Chapter 8. Ditto Yuri being a (relative) nice guy for a Thorned Rose since we didn’t really get him highlighted in prior sequences at all, including the part where Hinnerk reveals his goons he put in on standby are ready to swoop in to kill everyone. Even something as simple as a passing mention that Yuri briefly hesitated in Chapter 8 or else does so in the part in this chapter where Hinnerk flips the table over and calls for everyone to die would go a long way to making what Lillian has to say about him feel grounded, since it felt like a bit of an informed attribute when all we saw of him is that he’s a bit cowardly compared to his teammates, or, I suppose considering their decision-making, more sensible depending on how you want to frame things.

I also noticed that there were a couple in the chapter where things in the chapter get forgotten about until they suddenly don’t and they abruptly come back after largely being absent. The randoms that Hinnerk brings along to try and curbstomp Team Elpis are the main offenders, since they basically fade out entirely after getting Petrify Orbed, come back when Melchior shows up to beat them into submission, and then promptly get ignored again when Yuri bolts for dear life to relay to the other Thorned Roses that all is lost and Hinnerk and Mikhail are carted off. There’s some other things where that kinda stuff happened, but that was the really standout example that I noticed.

The last major chapter-specific bone that I had to pick had to deal with some issues regarding how the battle was handled. Like yeah it was climatic and cool at times, but there were also some structural issues that went beyond matters of lacking description or internal thoughts that I noticed. I gave a version of this critique over Discord, though admittedly I didn’t get to the leg of the battle where Mik became a thing, so some particulars to my critiques have changed a bit with the benefit of added context:

- The layout of the battlefield is a bit hazy and sometimes seemingly contradictory… like they’re described as being on a ‘pier’ in a couple parts, and yet Melchior successfully uses Dig in battle, which you’d think would be a bit hard since he’d hit the water underneath if it’s not very specifically an earthen one. Also, being firm about what the state of play of the battlefield is is important for establishing what gimmicks or additional considerations come into play. Like for instance, if you’re having a battle on a narrow space surrounded by two sides by water like a pier, recall that there’s technically another option for dealing with your opponents at least temporarily in a fight, even if they are much stronger than you: you ring them out by throwing them into the water since it will effectively takes them out of the battle until if/when they can get back out of it.
- I also noticed that Arian / Team Elpis are allowed to waltz up with a team bag from the jump instead of having it confiscated by Mik or being immediate grounds to intervene in spite of the very obvious hazards of doing so from a baddie perspective (e.x. imagine if TE had that Petrify Orb Ish and Axel break out on them at the very beginning, or better still, a Slumber Orb) and it’s not communicated or hinted why that’s so since you’d think that at least one of the two between Hinnerk and Mik would understand why that’s a bad idea. I mean, you could always make clucking noises at Hinnerk until he decides that he can take Team Elpis on with their bag to make a point, but you’d think that that would be an oversight that the two would not reflexively make (especially Mik, since he seems to be the more cunning of the pair)
- I also noticed that there were some points where different characters were able to get in a sizable back and forth in the middle of battle without the mention of Hinnerk being distracted or having cover to hide behind. It’s particularly noticeable in the part where they waffle on whether or not to go for Tamara and Flora and they Ish and Axel even get a chance to buff Team Elpis with items… while it’s not really clear why even when outnumbered 5 to 1 why Hinnerk would just sit back through all that instead of either attempting to intervene, or attempting to retreat to more favorable surroundings / a place to heal / freeing his Petrified underlings
- The Petrify Orb should be thought through as to how it works though through *very* carefully with at least a passing mention for why it does what it does. Since it *very cleanly* only affects hostiles as Ish and Axel would see it… minus Hinnerk for some reason. While that’s how things would work in the games, isn’t clear why that’s the case when at that point in time, the two had met Arian and Elvira three times for a combined total of about 5 minutes, and probably merits at least explicitly mentioning in passing.
- The extra TRs that were brought along for the ambush basically completely vanish from the rest of the fight after being Petrify Orbed up until the very end when Melchior shows up. In-game, that’s an extremely precarious state for the orb’s wielder since that status can be undone by chip damage or shoving a victim a tile over, which Melchior actually does towards the end with Muddy Water. Like you’d think that Hinnerk or especially Mikhail who reveals that he waited and bided his time until he could surprise TE with a hostage gambit would put more effort into trying to free them up when all it would take would be some combination of weak attacks or firm shoves on said goons to put TE back at Square 1. Like for instance, attempting his hostage gambit with 6 thugs playing backup for him is the difference between him getting rushed and beaten to death in a 5v1 after making good on his threat, or giving Team Elpis dicey odds in a 5v7 where he holds the advantages. It would also potentially allow you to streamline the Mik and goon squad phases of the battle if so desired such that it becomes a 7v6 with Melchior soloing the randos in the background and everyone else fighting Mik to the finish as he progressively loses it watching Melchior dismantle the Thorned Roses in front of him. Or something like that, anyways.
- I feel as if there should be a more explicit rationale for why they have to fight Hinnerk to the end instead of pausing things, especially since it gets revealed that Ish has a Sleep Seed all along at the very end of the chapter. Like it makes a bit more sense if Hinnerk’s not Petrified like I originally assumed, but some reminder of “if we leave him, we’re back to square one since he’ll free the Petrified baddies” or “he’ll just run away, hide behind a hundred guards in his manor, and we’ll never get another chance to take him down” is probably called for.
- Ish and Axel leave to chase Mik and then come back quickly enough that it probably makes more meta sense to firmly commit to them either chasing Mik or standing their ground to fight alongside Team Elpis against Hinnerk barring them running a quick nearby errand and the battle with Hinnerk starting up unexpectedly while they’re gone
- I can’t criticize the “Melchior deletes the randoms” sequence too hard since the average Thorned Rose is canonically established to be a bit of an idiot, though their strategies were a little inconsistent. Like, the Electabuzz gives the whole spiel about how they have a chance against Melchior 6v1ing him… and then the Primeape attempts to pull a pro gamer move and get in a hit first on his own and promptly gets Countered into oblivion. If the idea was that the Electabuzz gets the idea to explicitly attack “at the same time” and deliberately avoiding spacing their attacks after things become a 5v1, that should be communicated a bit more clearly

Hope that that wasn’t too daunting to all take in @Arukona . There’s some rough edges, but I still had fun with things and think that with a bit of polishing, you’d be able to play to its advantages and leverage the climactic moments of this chapter more effectively. Though hey, even if you opt to let things stand as they are, I understand, since in a long-running story, sometimes you just need to roll with the punches to move on to later and greater things.

Hope the feedback was helpful, and best of luck with your reviews and writings.
 

Gyeig

Bug Catcher
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. samurott

Review of Chapter 11.​


The eleventh chapter.

Alright, we finish the journey from A to B that started in the last chapter in this one. Wasn’t expecting things to get heated, so there’s nothing to really be disappointed by - unless Mitrofan was randomly going to show up and smash the base on day one or something crazy. That’s half one, the second half is a big introduction to B, which is probably where Arian and Elvira are going to be for a large chunk of the fic.

Okay, where to start… well, right away, the chapter opens with a paragraph explaining a random section of the world Team Elpis is passing through. Even though the characters were actively discussing the environment they were passing through, this explanation is entirely separate for some reason, and it’s hard to guess why. I’m guessing you wanted the history of the Karstlands to be very clear to the reader, because it’s going to be important… I guess? I’d have to read more to actually say that for sure, but… I feel like this touches upon a larger aspect of the prose and dialogue that I sort of explained in previous reviews, but not really?

It feels as if you’re overly careful with the way you introduce and present certain elements and concepts - even when characters talk about things, it’s told in this incredibly neutral tone where the characters’ voice doesn’t shine through at all. This bit about the Karstlands feels like it was put here so we can hear that Mitrofan isn’t all bad - he does good things too, sometimes.

The problem this introduces is complicated, however - is this crucial to know now? At all? Is it worth suppressing characters’ voices to make sure there’s absolutely no mistake make in how we perceive things? I feel like this explanation could’ve been boiled down to Ishmael going “See ‘ow beautiful it is? Ol’ Efrem made it a nature reserve, and no one after ‘im ‘s touched it since. Even that bastard Mitrofan ain’t touchin’ it”, and the characters reacting off that. Core information is there, the characters’ voice comes through better, and so on. Don’t be afraid of characters or readers coming away with the wrong ideas - for characters, this can add extra drama and tension. For readers, they’re more likely to form opinions about the characters than harbour any negative feelings about the fic.

Moving onto the second half… feels very reminiscent to the team base in Silver Resistance being introduced, where you show off all the locales and cast of characters living here. IMO, it goes on for a bit too long, but it’s unfair to call it unnecessary - provided these characters do make an impact in the long run, and aren’t just there as set dressing.

Going to cut it off here. Thanks again for the chapter, see you around-
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, I admittedly waffled a bit over whether or not I wanted to try and come back for a third chapter since these things are a bit chunky to get through and I still had some unsettled meta goals lying around, but I figured that the last two were fun enough reads and that you’ve been generous enough with reviewing of your own that I’d throw caution to the wind and try and pay things back a bit:

Chapter 10

Boy…what a day yesterday was.

This was Arian's prevailing The thought just kept lingering in Arian’s mind as he sat with Zenobia at the kitchen table in Elvira's house. The Treecko herself was preparing a healthy breakfast of porridge with a serving of berries.

It was the morning after Hinnerk had been toppled by them they and Team Sandstream toppled Hinnerk, and Arian sat at the kitchen table, in slight disbelief that the events yesterday transpired as they did. He would've thought it a dream, were it not for the aches and pains that told him otherwise.

I suppose I’ll get it out of the way right now so I don’t have to stop and point it out every time I see it, but remember to try and avoid passive voice verbiage if you can, and a lot of “This was the [X]” / “That was the [Y]” formulations tend to have rephrasing that are both a bit more direct, and natural-sounding to read.

And the day hadn't ended with Hinnerk's fall. There was still had been much to be done regarding the rest of the Thorned Roses, and that was to be sorted out once Melchior, Team Sandstream, Team Elpis, and the group of volunteers from Ozerograd Quay marched up to the main town.

Ironically enough, this is one of the points where it makes sense to use a passive voice, since it’s referring to recalled events that have already happened in the past.

Luckily for them, the news of Hinnerk and Mikhail's defeat led to great fear and sharply lowered the morale loss within the Thorned Roses, after the Zangoose had informed everyone of what had happened down at the old town. By the time the convoy reached the new town, most of the gang had either fled or surrendered immediately, especially upon seeing Melchior. There were a few stragglers, but they soon came to heel after being were soon defeated by the Swampert and Team Sandstream, and even Team Elpis got in their blows against a few opponents to defeat as well. Once these dissidents had been rounded up, they were thrown in the jail cells along with Hinnerk and Mikhail.

The townsfolk were incredibly grateful for all of what the motley brigade did to remove the Thorned Roses from Ozerograd, and swarmed them with gifts and compliments. It took some time for the praise to relent, by which time the sun had begun to set. Elvira requested permission from Melchior for her and Arian to return home, which the Swampert gladly allowed.

"I'm not your superior yet," he had joked. "You don't have to ask permission for everything, with the position you're in now."

Okay, not that I would blame you for “lol, I’m not touching that” since it’s not exactly a trivial fix, but I kinda wonder if this would’ve been more impactful actually depicting this playing out to some capacity instead of giving an after-the-fact summary like this, since there’s literally an entire scene’s worth of things that went down just in these two paragraphs that we’re told happened after the fact.

Like if you wanted to keep the flashback format and avoid writing out a bunch of ultimately not terribly plot-relevant battles, you could do something like flash back to the last blow of Team Elpis against Schrodinger’s Stubborn Thorned Roses, see a couple others turn and bolt screaming from or else get deleted by Melchior from the background with some “boy, that was easy”-esque commentary and then tee up this line here.

Though I’m a little surprised at how passive the townsfolk were in all of this, since you’d think that Melchior arriving and seeing Thorned Roses straight up bailing before he even gets a Mud Bomb off on them would encourage them to join in and just straight-up revolt to try and get in a few parting kicks of their own over their treatment.

When they returned home, Zenobia greeted them warmly. Weary but triumphant, Arian and Elvira told her everything over a dinner cooked by the Treecko. By the end of it all, Zenobia was just as elated as the rest of the townsfolk that the Thorned Roses were gone, and was overflowing with praise for Team Elpis (a name she approved of, when Elvira told her they had solved that morning's debate). The duo went straight to bed after dinner, content with their accomplishments that day.

Now it was the next morning, and the three were conversing over what had gone down yesterday.

… Wait, but what happened to Flora and Tamara’s parents in all of this? Since we saw them getting kicked out of their homes back in Chapter 8 and you’d think that getting them out of detention and back into their homes would be more of a big deal in Arian’s recollection of events here.

"It's hard to believe…" commented Zenobia. "To think, the Thorned Roses are gone, and Melchior is back…"

wikipedian_protester.jpg


Let’s get real, at least half of those guys who cut and ran probably retreated into the boonies or in Mystery Dungeons to become freelance outlaws since that’s what they’re good at and they probably wouldn’t be able to get much in the way of proper employment. Even if they probably made a point of not setting up shop in the same oblast. ^^;

"I know. It feels like a dream," Arian replied. "But that happened, alright." He paused as he dug into some porridge.

I’m not really feeling Arian’s remark here since it feels a bit too convergent with Zenobia’s prior line. It might make sense to find another way of getting at the same point like some sort of crack along the lines of “well, aside from all these bumps and bruises” or something like that.

"And it's great that it did," Elvira added. "I didn't expect to see Melchior again. It's been a long time. It never occurred to me that the Chief Lillian was talking about could've been him."

"Same here," the Riolu seconded. "...You know, not gonna lie…I totally thought the Chief was going to be your dad."

[ ]

"Really?" Elvira was surprised to hear this. "That's what I thought too!" Her mood then dampened slightly. "I guess I just raised my hopes too high, then…"

"...Oh." Arian's mood followed suit, realising the disappointment his partner probably felt.

IMO, it probably makes sense to turn Elvira’s surprise into a standalone paragraph, since it also helps a lot for setting the general mood around the table, especially if it’s not just Elvira who reacted to Arian’s comment there.

"Cheer up, you two," Zenobia encouraged. "Even if it isn't Kallias, that doesn't mean it isn't a relief to see Melchior again. You always did think of him as an uncle of sorts."

"An uncle?" Arian queried.

"Yes…sort of," Elvira replied. "Melchior's not my uncle by blood, of course. But he's spent so long by Dad's side that he's nearly part of the family. He was always kindhearted, and always attended my hatchdays when Dad would come home to celebrate them,” she explained. “But whereas Dad was always talkative and a the cracker of jokes on his team, while Melchior was more calm and reserved.

[ ]

Dad said once he was glad he had him by his side, to keep him a bit more grounded."

IMO, Elvira’s dialogue is long enough that it feels a bit much for her to be saying things all in one breath without some sort of reaction or the like. There are a couple options for how to tackle dividing things up, but I figured having Elvira get wistful mid-recollection was as good a mechanism as any for dividing things.

"He's been a great friend to all of us," Zenobia continued. "He was the best 'mon when Kallias and I were married, and he's been a great source of support all these years. We would all have been worse off without him."

This also is one of those places where the passive voice actually works better than active voice, since it’s talking about events that happened further in the past, with Melchior just coming back after a multi-year absence the other day.

[ ]

"So a dependable ally, then," Arian said. "...That's good. We can never have too many of those."

"...Mmm…" murmured Elvira, in a somewhat doubtful tone.

[ ]


"Elvira?" Zenobia frowned, puzzled over her daughter's change in mood. "...What's this, all of a sudden?"

A couple spots where things would benefit from having a bit more description or internal thoughts, IMO.

"It's…to do with yesterday," the Treecko sighed. "When we were down at the quay, I asked Melchior if he knew where Dad was. They went away together, after all. And given how close they were…surely he knows what happened to Dad. But for some reason, he struggled to give me an answer."

"Really?" The Heliolisk's brow furrowed.

"Mmhm. I didn't bring it up last night because I didn't want to bring down the mood," Elvira explained. "I…I'm glad to see Melchior again. It's a huge relief to see he's still alive. But…" Her expression grew worried. "...I don't want to believe it, but it's almost like he's hiding something about Dad's disappearance. …Why? After being such a good friend to us…why would he hide the truth about Dad from us?"

IMO, the phrasing of the bit in underlined should be toyed around a bit, since even if the nuance is a bit different, it feels a bit samey to the “hiding something” portion right before it.

[ ]

"...Maybe he's afraid to tell it," Arian pointed out.

"Afraid to tell the truth?" Elvira said, turning to her partner. "Arian, what do you mean?"

Wait, did Arian just reflexively spit that out afterwards? Or is he intended to pause and think before giving his theory? If the latter, it probably makes sense to go into his inner thought process or something a bit.

"When you were pressing Melchior about your dad, I could feel some of his emotions," the Riolu elaborated. "The two most prevalent ones I could feel were…fear and shame."

[ ]


"Fear and shame?" the Treecko repeated. "...But why? Why would Melchior feel that way?"

"Hmm…" Arian considered this. "...I'm not sure. I don't know what exactly happened that would make Melchior feel this way. But…maybe that's it. Maybe it's the truth. When it comes to the truth about revealing what really happened to your missing partner's daughter…can you blame him for feeling like that?"

Another spot where some more description would work nicely. Though I actually wonder if Arian should think a bit less “aloud” here and have the bit he tells Elvira be his conclusion. e.x. If going out on a bit of a limb and having him recall the taunting that Hinnerk brought up:

Arian paused and thought the matter over to himself. What could have made Melchior feel so fearful and ashamed yesterday? He doubted the Swampert truly killed his partner as the Obstagoon accused, especially from how genuinely offended Melchior grew from idea. But then what did?

He looked back at Elvira, when it dawned on him that even if he didn’t know the specifics, he had an idea of what could’ve been behind it:

“It… probably has something to do with the reason why Kallias wasn’t there with him,” he said. “I don’t know what happened, but it clearly made Melchior uncomfortable, and he seemed to be dreading having to explain things to us.”

Or something like that.

[ ]

"True," agreed Zenobia. "I suppose telling a truth like that is never an easy thing,” Zenobia said. “Kallias has had to inform several people of the ultimate fate of loved ones of theirs. …He told me it's the worst duty of a mercenary, to have to do that. In light of that, I can understand Melchior's reluctance."

[ ]


"...But if that's true, then that's a truth he's been sitting on for five years," Elvira said. "Why didn't he tell us in that all this time? Why must we be kept does he have to keep us in suspense? I've had to deal with this for five whole years…!" Her voice grew emotional. "I have to know what happened to Dad! I have a right to know! Why is Melchior keeping the truth from me?!"

Elvira’s “five years” bit should happen in one or the other place since it’s a touch redundant if it happens in both instances in the same paragraph. I also kinda wonder if there should be more of an emotional reaction from Zenobia or Elvira regarding the realization that Melchior has been playing coy about Kallias’ fate because it’s most likely something that would deeply upset them. Especially after Zenobia brings up how bearing bad news was the hardest part of being a Mercenary since you’d think that that’d be right about the time Elvira goes full “Oh my gods, is dad dead? Why on earth would Melchior just hide that from us?!
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” in thought process.

"Elvira!" Arian cried out, fearing his partner would burst into tears at any moment.

The Treecko heard her partner's yell and realised she was getting worked up.

"...I'm sorry," she apologised, the light sniffling afterwards implying she had indeed been close to tears. "It's just…if anyone knows anything, it's bound to be Melchior. I just couldn't bear the thought that he could be keeping the truth from me..."

I… get the feeling that Kallias is still alive but probably in some sort of hellish limbo where everyone’s just expecting him to eventually die. Since if Kallias was just straight-up dead, you’d expect Melchior to bring it up to Zenobia as a closure thing. While if he’s alive but in circumstances that are just terrible and beyond his ability to do anything… yeah.

"...I don't think he means it in a bad way," Arian said. "I mean, there'd be huge red flags if Melchior was meaning to keep the truth from you. But that doesn't mean he doesn't wants to tell you about it. I think what it might be…is that he's afraid of your potential reaction. Maybe he's afraid that you might shun him if he tells the truth."

I think that the double negative is undercutting the message that Arian is trying to get at here where Melchior isn’t trying to hide the truth, but is clearly not eager to talk about it. Maybe. Might be misreading things.

"...You really think that?" Elvira said, cocking her head in what seemed like doubt.

"I think," Arian emphasised. "Look, you know Melchior better than I do. Maybe what I'm saying is a load of crap. And I'm not saying that he's right to keep the truth from you. Of course he should tell you. But y'know…I think we should understand things from his point of view. Also, he's also our strongest ally, and we're on a high note right now.

[ ]

If you are going to ask him that…maybe it should be when we're out of town? I feel now might not be the best time to bring it up. I know how you feel about your dad, but…"

Arian’s second dialogue paragraph is long enough that it should probably be divided up into pieces.

"...I see what you mean," Elvira replied, though not entirely happy with this. "...I suppose I'll go with it. But I will get an answer out of him. I need to know what happened to Dad."

"...As do I," murmured Zenobia. But before she could continue that line of thought, a knock sounded on the front door. [ ]

"It seems to be every morning these days," the Heliolisk murmured. "Could one of you answer it?"

It might make sense to note Zenobia turning to face the door or something there. Dunno, might be a bit nitpicky, but I just feel like were this scene rendered as a comic or something, that this would have a panel where one of the characters looks off at the door or something.

"I'll get it," Arian volunteered, and walked to the door. Opening it, he smiled warmly at the sight of a familiar face.

"Hey, Lillian!" he greeted.

"Hello, Arian," the Sandslash returned. "I presume Elvira's with you?"

"Yes, she is." The Riolu turned his head. "Elvira! Lillian's here!"

Arian: “So… uh, what brings you here again? ^^;

"Oh, she is?" Elvira happened to be walking up the hallway to the door. "Good morning, Lillian."

"Good morning to you too, Elvira," Lillian replied.

"So what's on the cards today?" Arian asked.

"Well…the Chief sent me to fetch you two," the Sandslash answered. "But there's a bit more to it than yesterday. …You two obviously want to join the Irian Guild, right?"

Arian: “Wait, I thought that that place burned to the ground years ago-”
Lillian: “Again, we’re still around, even if we’ve needed to move into some less fancy digs.” ^^;

"Of course! We'd love nothing more!" Arian eagerly responded, before parking his elation. "...Why? Can we not?"

"No no, of course you can!" Lillian quickly corrected, realising the potential confusion of her question. "It's just…there's a matter the Chief's slightly concerned about regarding this."

I kinda wonder if there should’ve been a bit more callback to Lillian’s bit in Chapter 8 where she reveals that the Irian Guild is still around and they wonder how on earth joining it is supposed to work in between its proper building being burned down and Selenia’s Aggron tyrant problems.

"And that would be…?"

Lillian looked around her, as if to check that no one was listening in, before giving her answer.

"The Chief would like you to travel to our guild's secret location. But you see…it's some way away from here. If you were to go there…it would mean staying there, and being separated from your mother. That's what he's worried about; he wanted to know if you would be alright with that."

… Wouldn’t that be the smart thing to do right now given that Ozerograd has an uncertain future at the moment with how Mitrofan’s local lackey was literally just overthrown and yeeted into a prison cell? ^^;

Like, unless if the Irian Guild has a Zoroark or Ditto to spare that can pretend they’re really Hinnerk to string Mitrofan and the rest of his government along, everyone’s basically on a timer until Mitrofan gets wise and sends a bunch of his knights in to either free and restore Hinnerk or else install “Lackey #2, who will hopefully annoy the peasants less this time” in Hinnerk’s place.

"Separated from Mom…" Elvira murmured, ruminating on this. Of course she wanted to join the Irian Guild; that was a given. But reality hit her that if she took up the offer, she probably wouldn't see her home or her mother for a while. Did she want that…?

"Go, Elvira."

"Hm?" The Treecko turned around to see Zenobia behind her. "Mom?"

Zenobia: “I mean, this is something that you’ve wanted all your life, and… uh… you two do have a giant target on your backs right now from Mitrofan’s government which the Irian Guild would likely be much better at protecting you from on my crutches.” ^^;

"Don't worry about me. It was always your dream to be a part of the Irian Guild. The opportunity's before you. Take it, please," the Heliolisk insisted. "Flora and Tamara can look after me, if I don't look after myself. Besides…it's not as if my broken leg will last forever. The time will fly, and in a few weeks, I'll be better again. In the meantime, you follow your passion with Arian and be a mercenary."

[ ]


"Okay, Mom," Elvira said, now more confident. "I will. But be safe. Even if the Thorned Roses are gone from town, that doesn't mean danger isn't around the corner."

This feels like a moment where it’d make sense to see the others react a bit to Zenobia’s reassurance. Also… yeah, I don’t know if the story will go there, but Elvira is wise to assume that it won’t be the end of things just to have gotten rid of the Thorned Roses.

"Don't worry. I'll be alright," assured Zenobia. "I can't do much with the way my leg is, anyway. I won't get into any dangerous scrapes that I can't handle."

… Assuming you have the choice, anyways. ^^;

"I'll miss you," the Treecko said, before embracing her mother in a hug. "I'll write to you. I don't know how often, but…the Tropius Carriers are still running. I should be able to write letters."

[ ]


"Do that. We can keep in touch that way. But…if you are going to go into hiding, then we may indeed not see each other for a while. Keep yourself healthy, and don't forget the morals your father taught you."

"I won't," vowed Elvira, still clinging tight to her mother.

Arian: “Wait, am I going to get a chance to say anything here, or…?”
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"Good. And Arian?" Zenobia's words drew the Riolu's attention. "...Look after Elvira, will you? Watch her as any mercenary partner would."

"I will. You have nothing to worry about, Zenobia," Arian pledged.

Famous last words. Since it is hard to keep promises like those in a ‘wandering the earth’-style adventure narrative.

"...Excellent. Farewell, you two," the Heliolisk wished. "May the Creator guide your sense of justice, and watch over you."

[ ]

"Goodbye, Mom," Elvira returned.

"Goodbye, Zenobia," Arian similarly responded, before adding, "Thanks for letting me stay in your home."

"It was no trouble, Arian. Now go, and be the best mercenaries you can be."

"We will!"

Might make sense to have Elvira and/or Arian get in a hug or something here to make this a bit more animated than just standing and talking at the doorway.

And with that, Team Elpis left the house, closing the door behind them.

"...Yes…please be safe, you two," Zenobia said, as she went back to the living room. She looked again of that at the painting of her family, and her gaze drifted to Kallias.

"...Watch over them, my husband. I know you always wanted to see Elvira go out into the world. And now it's finally happened. Our little girl has left home…"

Hon, I’m honestly more scared for what’s going to happen to her home than what’s going to happen to her. Since, uh… there’s some shoes that are potentially waiting to drop right about now.
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I suppose we’ll see whether or not the plot acknowledges them or else if Ozerograd lucks out and manages to keep Mitrofan in the dark long enough to get a workaround to this whole “coming in to restore order” problem.

"Your mom's really nice," Lillian complimented, as the trio walked down the road to Ozerograd. "You're really lucky, Elvira. To have one of the biggest heroes in Ardalion for a father and a really nice mother…I'm jealous!"

I kinda wonder if there should’ve been a bit more scene setting than this, especially if Team Elpis has been on the road for a bit since the last scene.

Elvira: “Wait, so my dad is alive still?”
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Lillian: “I didn’t say that. I mean, I assume he’s alive, but…”
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"Well, you're not so bad yourself, Lillian. Your parents are just as nice," Elvira returned, remembering the kindness Caitríona and Conall showed them when they met.

"True. I guess we both got lucky. …A shame not everyone can," she then added, slightly downcast.

Oh, so Lillian has close friends who had bad parents. Or at least I think that that’s the implication there.

"Mmm. I remember Dad telling me once that it's one of the ways outlaws come to be," Elvira recalled. "Bad parenting results in the fostering of a bad attitude among children that starts out as bullying on the school playground, and develops into vandalism, robbery, assault and other crimes as they become adults. It's one of many theories developed by mercenaries and lawmakers when considering problems of delinquency and crime."

"...Interesting," Lillian commented. "I think that's a good way to look at it. Some mercs say it's a good thing we have outlaws, as they essentially give us a job. But that's a load of raiméis. Mercs would still be a thing, with or without outlaws. And wouldn't it be better if we didn't have to fight outlaws? I'd feel sorry for anyone who grew up in bad circumstances. I wouldn't be surprised if most of the Thorned Roses were like that."

Ah yes, getting into the Alban language nice and early in this story, I see. :V

Though while this instance was pretty obviously “nonsense”/“rubbish” or something akin to it, it might make sense to hovertext the relevant term with an inline translation if it’s not something very deliberately meant to be shut out from the readers’ or viewpoint characters’ perspective. Said format in onsite BBcode for reference is [ hovertext='Words go here' ]your word or phrase to translate or annotate[ /hovertext ] minus the spaces and with the words switched out as appropriate.

"...It's sad when you really think deep into it," Arian replied. "A lot of the time, it's just them being dealt a bad hand in life. I don't think criminality is something woven into them. Crime's like a drug; they'll do it once and become hooked on it. Then they do more, and more, and more…and can never get enough. Just like drugs. And then you end up with people like Hinnerk and Mikhail."

So… this is confirmation that Viv and Bruno are coming back with a sob story or something? Since they did kinda just fade into black the last time we saw them get stuck with sewer duty. ^^;

Arian: “... Assuming that you two even have a concept of drugs, since… uh… I don’t think anyone’s brought those up in this story thus far.”

"...Huh. I never thought of it like that," the Sandslash said. "I suppose you're right. But just like with addiction…they can kick the habit, if they have the will to."

Arian: “... Wait, you all have drugs in this setting? How?
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Lillian: “I mean, we also have mafias and booze, and backhand references to sex slaves, so… are you really that surprised?” ^^;

"That's right," Elvira concurred. "And we as mercs should help them become rehabilitated, if they can be redeemed. There are some like Hinnerk and Mikhail that have no hope. But not all outlaws are the same. Some have it in them to give up crime and live a normal life. …Maybe some of the Thorned Roses might realise the wrongs of what they've done and say goodbye to a life of crime," she added, though in a somewhat doubtful tone.

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Elvira, if you yourself were doubtful while saying that… though Viv and Bruno are still stuck on sewer duty right now completely unaware of Hinnerk being overthrown right now, aren’t they? ^^;

"Hopefully. …Boy, we got a bit off topic there, didn't we?" Lillian mused. "What were we talking about at the start?"

"Parents," the Treecko said.

"Ah, of course." Lillian's gaze then fell upon Arian. "Arian, what about you? What about your…" She faded out the question at the end in realisation. "Oh, sorry. I forgot you had amnesia…"

Arian: “No biggie. I honestly kinda forgot myself in between almost dying multiple times and getting swept up in a peasant revolt in the past couple chapters.” ^^;

That news had been imparted yesterday, when Arian explained to Melchior and Team Sandstream how he and Elvira formed a mercenary team together. As a part of his conversation, he revealed his amnesia, much to the surprise of those who heard his tale. However, there were civilians in earshot, and the Riolu wasn't comfortable revealing that he was human, for fear of disbelief among them and his newfound allies.

Yeeeeeeah, this is another reason why I was kinda of the school that the whole ‘mop-up’ sequence in Ozerograd should’ve at least been partially written out as a scene, since this could’ve been worked into it pretty organically.

"It's fine," Arian assured. "It's not a big deal."

"...But…aren't you curious? Wouldn't you want to know who your parents are?" Lillian queried further. "If I was in your shoes, I'd be going mad wanting to know that."

Arian: “Lady, I literally don’t remember how old I was when I lost my memories. I think that I’m fine pacing myself.” >_>;

[ ]

"...Well…I would like to know one day," the Riolu admitted. "But it's not my biggest priority right now. I'd sooner rather get into being a mercenary and help people out than have half my mind focused on finding out who I am all the time. Maybe I'll find out one day. But for now…we've got more important things ahead of us."

"...Good point," the Sandslash agreed. "...Maybe when you find downtime in your missions, you could use the time to start looking for clues about yourself."

Another spot where IMO, things would benefit from a bit of reaction on Arian’s part.

"...Maybe. But where to even start? I wouldn't have the first clue where to begin looking…"

"Sorry to interrupt you, Arian," Elvira intervened. "But we're here."

The outer walls of Ozerograd came into view. Thankfully, the circumstances were more favourable this time, and all three could comfortably walk through the gates without having to put on an act of capture like last time. Instead of Thorned Roses, two regular townsfolk stood guard, in place of knights that would normally be there. Two of them, a Furfrou and a Swoobat, smiled warmly at them.

… Wait, the Thorned Roses were officially knights? Yeah, this place really is on a timer for until they have Aggron problems, since… yeah, you’d think that his government wouldn’t let that slide for long.
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"Hey, there's our heroes of the hour!" called out the Furfrou. "Thanks for kicking those thugs out of town!"

"No problem!" Arian returned. "Just doing what's right and just."

"Good for you. You're doing the Creator's work, you mercs," praised the Swoobat. "Come on in."

"Much appreciated," Elvira replied, as they passed through the gate and into town.

Arian: “So wait, how is Mitrofan not finding out about how his entire leadership structure here got overthrown again?”
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Swoobat: “We’re… trying not to think too hard about it, really.” ^^;

Compared to yesterday, the atmosphere was far more amicable. The dark, foreboding feeling of the day before had been replaced by a much more jovial and celebratory atmosphere. And instead of the sight of people being evicted like yesterday, there were people happily waving at the trio from their homes, which they moved back into following the flight of the Thorned Roses. Unfortunately, some homes had been ransacked, and a number of valuables had been pilfered as the rogues made their getaway. It was regrettable, but at least the townsfolk still had a roof over their heads.

Elvira: “Ugh, seriously? They just had to get one last ‘screw you’ to everybody, huh?”
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Arian: “I mean, at least everybody doesn’t have to be worried about casually being accosted on the street or drug off to be a sacrifice?”
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Eventually, the three reached the main square, where a number of townsfolk were gathered. As they got closer, Arian realised he recognised a number of them.

"There they are!" called out Flora.

"Arian! Elvira!" Tamara said.

"Hello, you two." Elvira smiled at them. "How are you doing?"

"Pretty good!" The Pachirisu beamed. "Better than yesterday, at any rate."

Elvira: “Um… what did happen to your parents anyways? Since I’m just realizing that the story never explicitly mentioned us or anyone from the Irian Guild freeing them.” ^^;

"You can say that again…" murmured Flora. "Those Thorned Roses left a right mess in our shop. A lot of our bouquets are ruined. So…that's annoying."

"Oh. That's…not good," Arian lamented.

"Could be worse. That's what Mom and Dad keep saying, anyway," the Petilil muttered, with a light pout. "Still…petals are such a pain to clean up…" She was about to continue, but a peppy voice cut her off.

Arian: “Huh. You’d think that we’d have more explicitly remembered her parents getting set free from Thorned Rose custody, but eh. I’m going to assume that Ish and Axel handled it.” ^^;

"Look, Daddy! It's them!"

"That voice…" Arian, looking over, saw Iona coming over to them, and eagerly gesturing pointing them out to Rosa and an unfamiliar Whimsicott.

"Hello, Iona," Elvira greeted.

"Hi, Elvira and Arian!" the Flabébé cheerily said back. "Daddy, these nice people saved me when I was lost in the Meadow!"

Oh, so that’s who her father is. And… I actually completely forgot about Iona from that one mission where Arian and Elvira saved her. It’s been a while. ^^;

"So you two saved my daughter…" A smile crossed the Whimsicott's face. "Thank you both, for helping her when I couldn't."

"You're…Iona's dad?" Arian asked. "But wait. Weren't you…?"

"Kidnapped by those thugs?" the Whimsicott finished. "...Yes." A dark look came into his eyes. "They accosted me a few weeks ago and threw me into the town jail because I couldn't pay the rent. I was frightened, because I'd heard what that Seviper was saying about being sacrificed…But thankfully you kicked those Thorned Roses out of town before anything could happen. You and those other kids, led by Mud Bomber Melchior…"

Arian: “... Yeah, I kinda feel like that this should’ve stuck out a bit more in our memories from that whole flashback scene, but…” ^^;
Elvira: “Maybe someone else from the Guild handled the jail part? (Since honestly, considering what this ‘mon is saying about them, I get the feeling they’d have been super creepy and given me nightmares for weeks afterwards.)” ^^;

As if on cue, the Swampert himself showed up onto the scene. Flanking him were Ishmael and Axel.

"Oi! They've come!" Ishmael called. "Y'alright, mates, after that scrap?"

"Couldn't be better," Arian replied.

Arian: “Wait, shouldn’t those be ‘scraps’ given that the narration said that Elvira and I also got into some in town with some of those straggler Thorned Roses?”
Ishmael: “Meh, considering how lopsided those were, those were less ‘scraps’ and more ‘slaughters’.

"Yes…" Elvira certainly felt a lot better. With the Thorned Roses out of town, it was like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. A genuinely good feeling had come over her - something that had been few and far between in the last five years.

Which I’m not totally convinced isn’t going to come crashing down before the end of the chapter, but let’s think positive here.

"That's certainly good to hear." Team Elpis drew their attention to Melchior. "I'm glad you're doing well after yesterday."

[ ]


"It feels strange," Elvira murmured. "It's been ages since I've been able to walk through the town without a single Thorned Rose glaring a hole into me."

"It's great, is what it is!" Tamara piped up. "And we couldn't have done it without you!"

"Yeah!" Iona seconded. "Three cheers for Arian and Elvira!"

Cheering and applause went up amongst the crowd. Team Elpis, taking in the acclamation, felt a bit overwhelmed by it all.

I… completely forgot that there was a crowd supposed to be here. It might have made sense to acknowledge it a bit more in the earlier back and forths up to this point.

- Meanwhile from the side -
Axel: “Oi? And just what are me and Ish here? Chopped liver?” >v-v>

But one feeling lasted among both of them.

It was good to help these people, to free them of their suffering. Now they don't have the Thorned Roses stomping over their lives anymore.

"I still can't believe that you two managed to defeat Hinnerk," Flora added, once the cheers died down a bit. "To think, all it took was two rookie mercs like you…"

Ishmael + Axel: “...”
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Lillian: “Oi, let them have their moment, you two.” >_>;

"That's not true," Elvira denied. "We could never won without the help of Team Sandstream. There's no way we could've won without their help." She nodded to the Ground-type trio in acknowledgment.

"And if Melchior wasn't there, then we wouldn't be here either," Tamara added, pointing to her and Flora. "If he wasn't hiding down at the quay, we would have been killed. …Thank goodness he was there. Thank you so, so much," she professed to the Swampert.

"Don't mention it," Melchior replied. "Your safety is all that matters to me."

Melchior: “Since… yeah, I haven’t exactly been getting paid regularly for the job for the past five years.” ^^;

"Ah…so this is the great humbleness that Team Marshwood are renowned for," commented a nearby Persian. "Kind gentlemen to all they meet - barring outlaws, of course," he added with a slight snicker.

That actually makes me wonder now if Team Marshwood has ever taken an Outlaw Mission that’s made them genuinely uncomfortable at some point. Though they certainly have a reputation of being quite the scourge to them.

"Yeah…Bit of a shame Fernblade Kallias isn't here," another townsperson, a Leafeon, added. "...Oh well. Even one half of Team Marshwood is more than welcome help. And besides, Kallias' daughter's here. That's something, at least."

Arian suddenly realised where this conversation could head. Knowing how Elvira felt about being mentioned in the same breath as her father, he attempted to change the subject.

"So…Melchior," he asked. "What's all this about…you know…what you want from us?" He would've stated the reason explicitly, but the horde of townsfolk reminded him of their need to keep their operations covert, and so he changed tack mid-sentence.

I think the bit about changing topics mid-sentence kinda works better… mid-sentence, especially if it’s a bit more direct about what this reason is.

"Ah, yes, of course," the Swampert began. "Your efforts yesterday were exemplary. They more than showed your capability as a team, in both teamwork and fighting skill. While both are still in their youth and not fully developed, I believe that with refinement, your skill could be enhanced and your potential could be unlocked. You'd be vital allies to have by our side."

"We're glad to hear it, Melchior," Elvira replied. "But…what does this have to do with what Lillian told us earlier?"

"I'm getting to that. Team Sandstream is but one of a few teams I have managed to recruit for my cause. I want you two to join the rest of them. This success here in Ozerograd…it's a great victory. But we must not rest on our laurels."

Lillian: “Also, it’s kinda the definition of a fleeting one unless if we can somehow make Mitrofan think that Hinnerk is just doing fine and dandy all this time.”
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"Yes," said Elvira in agreement. "This victory here could easily be overturned by Mitrofan bringing his own forces in to take over, and then we would be back to square one. We have to make it mean something," she added, remembering what Ishmael had said down at the quay yesterday.

Oh, so there is an acknowledgement of how Mitrofan can just casually come along and ruin everything for Ozerograd. I was starting to wonder there…

"So…where are the rest of the teams you've recruited?" asked Arian.

"Well, about that," the Swampert began. "I would tell you the location here, but…"

"Confidentiality," Arian interjected in understanding.

Melchior: “Yes, that. And are we seriously having this conversation in front of an entire crowd of villagers right now?”
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"Yes. Confidentiality," Melchior confirmed. "My humblest of apologies to you all," he said to the nearby townsfolk. "Please understand. The fewer that know, the better."

"We get ya, Melchior," replied a Crawdaunt, the same one from the day before. "It wouldn't be good if Ol' Mitt found out. Words have a way of travelin', so to speak. But if he comes knockin' here, let me tell ya, he's got another thin' comin'!"

Yeah, this town’s doomed. I can already tell. ^^;

"...You have determination, Egon. But don't let it get to your head," the Swampert advised. "You and the other volunteers need to remain vigilant on other matters, like seeing to Hinnerk and the other Thorned Roses who are locked up."

Elvira: “Wait, why are they even here considering how if Mitrofan comes into town, he can just free them all again?”
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Melchior: “We… don’t exactly have cell space at our secret base, and extrajudicial killings are kinda a major no-no at the Irian Guild.” ^^;

"...I'd be tempted to starve 'em to death for all they did to us," Egon muttered. "...But we'll do it. We'll see to it those snakes don't escape. I'd bet a thousand Poké they're thinkin' up somethin' to get outta there."

"...In case they do, I'll remain here for the next few days. Most likely a week, at most," Melchior declared. "There's still some more matters to investigate in town. While I stay here, I would like Team Elpis to travel to the Guild's current headquarters. As for its exact location…you'll be escorted there by Team Sandstream. They know where it is."

Oh, so they are trying to jerry-rig some sort of body double for Hinnerk or something like that to buy time until Mitrofan gets wise. Or at least I think that’s the implication there. Maybe. Might be something worth hinting at a bit stronger.

"Us? …Okay. Sure thing, Chief," Axel obliged.

"Great!" Lillian responded eagerly. "We'd be all too happy to, Chief. I'd love to show them around the Guild."

Arian: “Why are you all just saying this in front of an entire crowd of villagers?
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Axel: “I mean, we didn’t say anything about the directions, at least.” ^v-v^

"Don't worry, Chief. We'll get 'em there safe as 'ouses," Ishmael vowed. "We'll do it, or my name ain't Ishmael of Team Sandstream!"

"Thank you very much, you three," Melchior complimented. "Now then…I believe that's it."

[ ]

"Actually…there is something," Elvira brought up. "Melchior…can we talk? Alone?"

IMO, some sort of description is warranted here, since it’s effectively transition into the “Melchior, I need to know about my dad” part of this conversation.

From the tone of her voice, the Swampert knew immediately what she wanted to speak to him about. A sigh escaped him.

"...I'll have an answer when I return to the Guild. I promise you, Elvira; I will not put it off any longer than that."

Elvira considered his offer. [ ]

"...Okay. But…please. Please have an answer by then."

"...I will. I swear on my rank as Grandmaster."

IMO, it makes sense to expand Elvira’s reaction a bit. Though swearing on one’s rank is a thing among Mercenaries / Rescue Teams in this setting, huh? I suppose it does seem plausible enough that that’d be a practice.

[ ]

"Eh? 'S all this about?" asked Ishmael, confused by the exchange.

"It's…a private matter between them," Arian decided to say. "For Elvira's sake, I'd rather not say what it's about."

"I was just about to ask that," Axel lightly grumbled.

Elvira: “Arian, did you really have to let slip that it had something to do with me?” >_>;
Arian: “Er… oops?” ^^;

"Well, you heard him. Let's not bring it up," Lillian said. "It's between them, not us."

[ ]

"So…anyway. Will we go? Elvira?" Arian checked with the latter two. "Is everyone ready?"

"...We have to go get items first," Elvira said, after a quick look in their bag. "We'll stop by Conall and Caitríona's before we head out. Then we'll leave town."

Another spot where some more description is probably called for.

"Come on. We'll bring ya there," Ishmael offered. "Gotta fill 'em in on what we're doin', anyways."

"...I guess we'll be off, then," Lillian said. "We'll see you whenever you come back, Chief."

"I'll see you then. Good luck!" wished Melchior, as the group of five walked down the street that led to the merchants' quarter.

Once they left, he turned back to Egon and the volunteers by the Crawdaunt's side.

Huh. I kinda wonder if Egon should’ve explicitly gotten namedropped last chapter given that he and Melchior apparently have quite a bit of history with each other from how they’re on a first-name basis.

"Well, there's more to be done. The town's still a long way from being cleaned of the Thorned Roses' influence," Melchior said to them. "Meanwhile, I'll keep digging about those missing people that Team Sandstream were investigating."

"...As much as I hate to say it, Melchior…" Iona's father brought up. He paused, whispering something to his wife, before she and Iona disappeared into the crowd. "I think it's a waste of time lookin' for older folks. There's me and the recent crowd thrown in, but the older lot…I think they're long gone by this stage."

Melchior: “Wait, but… why?” ._.;

[ ]

"...I am aware of that." That was a growing possibility Melchior was reluctant to admit. "But that's not the most pressing question. What I want to know is…

[ ]


"What happened to them to make them disappear as they did? What did the Thorned Roses do?"

Ah yes, time for things to get nice and very uncomfortable in short order. Especially if we get to see Melchior actually get an answer to this question onscreen.

"So that's everything, is it?"

Arian double-checked, as the fivesome stood in front of Ozerograd's northern gate. [ ]

"We got our items, we said goodbye to Zenobia, you all said goodbye to Caitríona and Conall…Is that everything?"

"I believe it is," Lillian answered.

"Right, then. Let's not waste time dilly-dallyin' 'ere," Ishmael declared. "Let's go."

I kinda wonder if there should a bit more description than this for setting the scene of where Teams Elpis and Sandstream are in the setting. Like I get that we’ve seen this location a few times so it doesn’t need a whole lot of extra description about what it looks like, but some focus on stuff like Arian’s mood or thought process might be nice.

And so the two teams walked out of Ozerograd and into the Selenian countryside, along that same road to the old town that Arian, Elvira and Lillian had travelled the day before. The scene was much the same as the day before; the weather was bright and sunny, Lake Lazurny shone a bright azure, and it was a warm day with little to no chance of rain.

Maybe that last one isn't such a good thing, Arian thought, inwardly grimacing as he was reminded of what Elvira said to him in Cyan Cove. It's not a good idea to dwell on such thoughts. …Hmm. Maybe a change in subject would be nice.

Given that it’s been a few chapters since we were last in Cyan Cove, I kinda wonder if it would make sense to give a bit more of an explicit “right, that’s what we were talking about” in the narration for the readers’ benefit.

"So where exactly is the Guild's secret location?" he asked Team Sandstream. "We're out in the open, and I don't think there's anyone around that can listen in."

"Hmm…" Ishmael looked around them. Trees dotted either side of the road as they approached the crossroads to the old town. "Let's just get past this part, then I'll tell ya."

Wait, their hideout was this close to Ozerograd the entire time? I mean, I suppose it’d explain a thing or two about how the Irian Guild has so many operatives in and around the town, but that was definitely a risky move on their part.

They did so, travelling the road to Iria, as indicated by the signpost at the crossroads. Past this point, the treescape continued for a short while, before eventually, it gave way to grassy plains and rolling hills, of which a single defining road weaved through them.

"Okay…now's a good time," the Krokorok determined, after searching the surrounding area. "It's in Kamengrad."

"Kamengrad?" Arian tilted his head. "Where's that?"

>town with name effectively meaning ‘Stoneville’

Oh, so it’s basically Noe Town, but probably with fewer metal towers in the mix, huh?

"It's a town to the northeast of here," Elvira explained. "It's the main settlement in the Karstlands. …Which is a fairly rural region of Selenia filled with karst, limestone rock. It's quite a sight, and quite a unique area not just in Selenia, but in all of Ardalion. There are flora completely exclusive to the Karstlands, unusual rock formations, and even more subterranean features. I've been there a few times. It's a nice place."

Ah yes, here’s what you can look forward to in Kamengrad, kiddos:

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Maybe, anyways. Though I actually find it kinda hilarious that this is the second PMD fic I know of that has a big karst formation in a Slavic-themed area.

"Sounds interesting," the Riolu commented.

"It's a geologist's wet dream, is what it is," Ishmael opinionated. "If yer interested in rocks, there ain't nowhere better in Ardalion to study 'em. There's an info centre and everythin' about erosion and perm…perm…shit, what's it called again? When water passes through somefin'. Whatever that's called."

‘Permeation’, Ish. Though how mobile is the average Selenian anyways? Since you’d think that a medievalesque society would have trouble maintaining a sufficient tourist base to have what sounds like is basically a geology museum, especially in a context where the land’s still reeling from a recent coup.

"Permeability?" Elvira guessed.

"Yeah, that," the Krokorok confirmed. "...Must've done yer 'omework when ya were in school, didja?"

Oh, right. That’s the term I was looking for. Though what on earth do they teach the young’uns in Selenia anyways? ^^;

[ ]

"Er, yes?" the Treecko replied. "...That wouldn't be a problem, would it?" A slight tone of defence entered her voice.

"Oi, I ain't teasin' ya!" assured Ishmael. "Just curious, is all. Sure wasn't like that when I was a tyke…"

I… take it that Ish was not a particularly impressive student when he was younger. ^^;

"Yeah, I remember," Lillian added, with a chuckle. "You and Axel would always fall asleep when we were being taught. Unless it was about the dynamics of battle, you boys really couldn't give a damn about anything being taught to you. And when you didn't sleep, you were among the worst behaved in the class."

Yeah, I figured.
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Though that phrasing… I can’t tell whether that implies that the Irian Guild has its own schools or if these three just went to school together in Ozerograd… or somewhere in Alba given that Lillian apparently still drops the occasional word or phrase in its local lingo.

"That's because our tutors were so boring!" Axel complained. "I don't know how you could stay sane while they rambled on about maths or grammar or any of that boring stuff! Can you blame us for getting up to mischief?"

"'Sides, it wasn't like we laid a finger on anyone," defended Ishmael. "Our pranks were 'armless. It's not like we bullied no one. We 'ave standards, y'know!"

Oh, so Axel and Ish were straight-up the class clowns / delinquents. I should really be a lot less surprised, since it definitely feels on-brand for them.

"Standards, eh?" Lillian said. "...And that includes punting a spitball at the archdruid?"

>archdruid

Okay, yeah. They grew up in Alba, and that’s my running assumption until otherwise explicitly disproven.

"Wait, what? Spitballed the archdruid?" Arian double-checked, in slight bemusement at what he was hearing.

[ ]


"...W-We've learned since then," Axel murmured, in what sounded like shame at an old memory.

"Yeah…Learn from yer mistakes, innit?" Ishmael was quick to add. "We were stupid, we learned, and Ol' 'Mon Ran forgave us. 'E did 'is job. Good on 'im! And good on us for learnin'."

I wonder if that’s that Slowking that you have that praying emote on Discord for. I suppose we’ll find out one way or another as things go along.

"...Come on. Don't leave out parts for Arian and Elvira," chastised Lillian. "Like when, for that, you two had to do a month's worth of chores for that."

[ ]


"Oh no, please don't tell them that, Lillian!" begged Axel.

Careful, Lillian, keep this up, and these two might just die of embarrassment before you make it to the hideout in Kamengrad. >:V

"Oh? But Arian and Elvira would be so interested in hearing about it…wouldn't you two?" the Sandslash asked Team Elpis.

"Er…hmm," Arian considered. On the one hand, a tale to pass the time while they travelled would be nice. But on the other, the pleading look on the Gligar's face and a similar expression on Ishmael's made him reconsider. It's just a story about their past life, he thought. It's not like I'm dying to hear it.

"...Maybe another time," he answered, to mixed reactions.

Axel: “Oh thank gods.”
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Lillian: “Bah, you’re no fun, you know that?” >_>;

"...Phew. Thanks, Arian," a relieved Axel praised.

"Spoilsport," pouted Lillian. "Hey, Elvira, what about you? Don't you want to hear about these two getting punished?"

-snerk-

Yeah, I figured that their reaction was going to be along those lines.

"I…think I'll side with Arian on this one," Elvira answered. "Better to not create divisions between us and our new allies."

[ ]


"Good on ya," praised Ishmael, before turning to his partner. "Y'know, I like ya a lot, Lill, but…yer as bad as yer mum sometimes when it comes to sharin' embarrassin' stories…"

"Like mother, like daughter," the Sandslash said proudly, getting over her prior disappointment. "The other villagers did always say I was exactly like her when she was young. And they said the same about you two."

So, how long until Arian and Elvira get to hear about the story of Ish and his ‘Unkie Boo-Boo’ episodes.
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"Yep…sure got that a lot," murmured Ishmael, with similar mumblings of agreement from Axel.

Arian was admittedly a bit curious about the mention of 'villagers', and wanted to ask further about their past. However, this line of thought was halted when Elvira did.

Yeah, I’m going to guess that that was some place in Alba and not wherever the Irian Guild is. Since… yeah, not sure how you hide an entire village easily short of cramming it into a Mystery Dungeon.

"Here we are."

"'Here we are'?" The Riolu looked ahead of him. For a second, he thought they had arrived in Kamengrad. But as he gazed at the scene before him, he suddenly realised what he was looking at.

"A Mystery Dungeon?"

Oh, well. Maybe we’ll get to see a town hidden in a Mystery Dungeon after all.

That, it seemed to be. The same opaqueness in the entrance, as seen with the previous three dungeons he'd been in, was present. But this time, given it was in broad daylight and shaded by trees or a cave's darkness, it was far more obvious on this occasion.

"It is," Elvira confirmed. "Rolling Hills. A Mystery Dungeon that lies on the road to Iria and Kamengrad."

Well, scratch that musing, then. Just as well, since I’m pretty sure that it was implied already that the Mystery Dungeons in this setting caused Dungeon Madness. ^^;

"Let's not dawdle," Ishmael said. "Let's 'ead in. The sooner we get to Kamengrad, the better."

"Got it, Ish," Axel obliged.

And with that, the two teams headed in.

Arian: “Well, if this is anything like the last Mystery Dungeons we’ve been through, this should be a piece of ca-”
Elvira: “Arian, don’t you dare finish that sentence.” >_>;

Rolling Hills
1F

Once more, Arian found himself in the enigmatic labyrinth of a Mystery Dungeon. At least it's getting familiar by now, he thought to himself. This is, what, my fourth one?

Huh, I didn’t realize it, but the gang has been in quite a few Mystery Dungeons up to this point, haven’t they?

Though what does this Mystery Dungeon look like? Since we haven’t gotten much in the way of surrounding description for how to visualize this place.

"Okay, time to find those stairs," Ishmael began. "It's a big room, this 'un. Let's explore each exit, and mark the ones we've been to. And the two of ya'll be in front explorin' each room."

"Us?" Arian asked.

"Yeah. After all, the two of ya need the experience of searchin' Dungeons," elaborated the crocodile. "We've been through plenty of 'em, but yer still startin' out."

Arian: “I mean, we have been through three so far, how hard can it be-?”
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Elvira: “Arian!” >.<
Ishmael: “Er… yeah, you should take the opportunity to learn while you can, kiddo. Not every Mystery Dungeon out there’s going to be easy and straightforward to get through.”
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"Don't worry, though. We'll help you out whenever you need it," Lillian reassured.

"You probably won't need our help, though," Axel added. "If I'm gonna be honest, this Dungeon's not that hard. You'd probably be just fine going through it on your own."

"Yeah, we've been through 'ere plenty of times," Ishmael elaborated. "The wild Pokémon are easy stuff for us. Ya'd be just fine. But we'll help ya out if yer 'avin' trouble."

Oh, I see it’s going to be Team Sandstream that goes and tempts fate here.
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[ ]

"Good to know you have our backs," Elvira said gratefully. "Thanks very much."

"No problem," Lillian replied. "Now then…which path?"

[ ]


"That one," elected Arian, picking the path nearest to them.

Yeah, this is why it would make sense to take a moment sometime before this point to describe what this Mystery Dungeon looks like, since I can’t visualize what this looks like or even what the fork in these paths looks like at all at the moment. ^^;

"Alright then." The Sandslash was at the back of the cavalcade, and on the path they were going down, she marked an X with her claws where the corridor began. "Okay. On we go. Lead the way, Arian."

The Riolu did just that. It wasn't long before the path ended in a T-junction. Arian suggested going right, and so they did.

They encountered a Gloom. Arian readied a Metal Claw, and struck the Weed Pokémon. Unfortunately, the attack didn't do as much as the Riolu hoped.

"Arian? Leave this one to me," Axel, who was behind Elvira, requested. Team Elpis obliged, wondering what the bat was going to do.

Arian: “Wait, but you’re clearly chitinous, so how on earth can you be a bat-?”
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Axel: “I am in this story. Don’t question it too hard.” ^v-v^;

Arian backed away was quite surprised, therefore, when and much to his surprise, watched as Axel unleashed a duo of diagonal slashes on the that took the Grass-type down in very little time.

"There," the Gligar said. "Aerial Ace saves us once again."

"Aerial Ace? …That was the move you used, right?" Arian checked.

"Yep. We bought a TM for it a while back, and it's been an asset to me ever since," Axel elaborated.

I’ll spare the recurring criticism about writing out battles a bit more other than to get that out of the way here. But more importantly, so there’s TMs in this setting, huh? I wonder where on earth they all came from.

"A TM? …What's that?" the Riolu wondered.

"...Oh right. Amnesia," the Gligar reminded himself, as they continued down the corridor. "TMs stand for Technical Machines. They're discs on which certain moves are stored, like Aerial Ace. You can get more diverse moves through them rather than just the moves you learn through getting stronger."

They… just have that lying around? I wonder what that implies for the history of Ardalion and its world, since I never would’ve guessed in a million years that they’d have optical disc technology that they made themselves.

"I…see," Arian said.

They stopped the conversation briefly as they came to another room. A quick scan of it revealed no stairs. The path ahead of them was where Arian chose to go. As she did before, Lillian marked an X at the room's exit.

"You can sometimes find TMs in Mystery Dungeons," Elvira went on to say, as the trio continued down their chosen path. "Some merchants base their whole business around selling TMs, and make quite a profit. …Do Caitríona and Conall sell them?"

Well, that’s a very specific place to find TMs. Filing that one away, since it might also have potential implications for time dilation or the like depending on what those TMs originally came from. Though I kinda wonder if Arian should’ve teed up Elvira’s exposition here with more of a question about “how do you get one?” or something like that.

"They do, if they find one," Lillian replied. "They sell for a good price. …But on the flip side, that does mean rookie teams will have to save up a bit before they can comfortably buy them. So keep that in mind before you go splashing out if you see any. They're not unaffordable, but…they can be pricey, especially the more powerful moves."

"...Okay. Got it," Arian replied.

Hrm… on the one hand, while in-setting, Arian obviously needs to learn about TMs at some point, I kinda wonder if it would’ve worked better if this came up sometime after they actually saw one. Especially if it happened to stir any of his human memories at all.

They travelled on a bit more. A few ferals got in their way, namely a Weepinbell, a Combee and a Stufful, but with the help of Team Sandstream, Team Elpis was easily able to dispatch them. All the while, Arian was learning new things about the Pokémon he faced thanks to advice and information from his two partners. He learned to be wary of Weepinbell's ability to inflict status conditions, that male Combee couldn't evolve, and physical attacks weren't optimal against Stufful due to their Fluffy fur. They were fortunate to have the trio by their side, who knocked out the ferals with relative ease when Arian and Elvira struggled on their lonesome.

Arian: “In retrospect, I probably should’ve brought along some sort of encyclopedia about Pokémon to study before fighting them, huh?” ^^;

Eventually, they came to another room, where they at last found what . And in it was the one thing they were looking for.

"The stairs!" cried Arian. "...Will we go up?"

"Yep. Ain't nothin' interestin' on this floor, least from our lookin' around," the Krokorok summarised. "Come on. Let's go."

And so the quintet ascended the stairs.

Arian:
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbvBrH-WYBE

“Alright, moving on now…”

Rolling Hills
4F

The two teams continued their way through Rolling Hills. As they did, Arian and Elvira could both see the experience Team Sandstream had at dealing with Dungeons and when fighting ferals, or at least in this particular Dungeon. They seemed to know their type advantages well, and dealt with the wild Pokémon efficiently. While it couldn't be called the skill of hardened veterans, they had evidently been in the mercenary business for some time to know their stuff.

Waaaaaait, how do Arian and Elvira know the bit in underlined anyways? I can kinda buy Elvira assuming that she ever got a chance to see Melchior or her dad in action, but Arian literally has zero frame of reference for what a veteran mercenary team can do in a Mystery Dungeon. ^^;

Not to mention More importantly, they were amicable, and shared their findings with Team Elpis, allowing them possession of some of the money and items on the floor. They were also quick to offer advice and aid whenever Arian or Elvira made a mistake.

Oh, so basically Nuzleaf’s job from that first dungeon you go through in PSMD… just hopefully without the everything else associated with Nuzleaf as well. ^^;

This was the case One such occasion was on the fourth floor when Arian got a face full of Sleep Powder from a wild Morelull and fell right to the ground. While Axel made quick work of it the feral with Aerial Ace, Ishmael took to giving the Riolu a Chesto Berry, and the problem was rectified in no time at all.

"...Nnngh…What time is it…?" Arian mumbled sleepily as he woke up.

"A time when ya shouldn't be snorin' like a wild Grumpig," Ishmael replied. "Get up, mate."

Huh, so are ‘feral’ and ‘wild’ synonymous terms in this setting? Or is that an oversight there for Ish’s dialogue?

"Snoring?! I do not snore!" the Riolu protested, now wide awake and infuriated by the Krokorok's dig at him.

"...Sure ya weren't."

"I don't snore! You're having me on!"

I mean, we could just go and ask Elvira to get a confirmation one way or another, since she was right there… :V

"...Okay, okay, ya got me. Just messin' with ya," the sand crocodile snickered, ruffling Arian's fur on his head and withdrawing his hand when the latter growled at him, having gotten to his feet. "Sheesh, ya ain't a Grumpig. Like a Mightyena when yer riled up."

"...I'll…probably get what you mean at some point," Arian said, still unsure about the exact species Ishmael was referring to. As well as that, he was still cross at the Krokorok, and remained that way for the rest of the floor.

Let’s go check up on the Arian cam right now:

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"...That's why it's always good to have berries on hand for this kind of scenario," Lillian went on, choosing to gloss over the squabble between Ishmael and Arian. "Status conditions are a menace, and really hinder your ability to fight. Just take your fight with Hinnerk as an example. If he wasn't paralysed, he might've been able to make a comeback. But he was, and so he lost. Keep in mind, though…that the same could be true for you two. Being poisoned or paralysed or burned can be the decider between victory and defeat."

"...I understand," Elvira replied, recalling a similar lesson from her father when she was younger.

I kinda wonder if Lilian should’ve tied her primer in more towards what immediately happened between Arian and the Sleep Powder before pointing out “this also applies outside of MDs, just look at how Hinnerk got paralyzed” or something like that.

"Me too," Arian seconded, as they walked on, with the continued tactic of him taking up the lead. [ ]

"...Ah! There's the exit!" Ishmael said triumphantly as the group strolled into another room. "Let's go up. No point hangin' 'round this floor any longer. Come on, I wanna get movin'."

"Well, let's not delay, then," Lillian agreed, as the group headed up the steps.

The narration never describes the group coming across the exit or what it looks like. You might want to consider putting in a sentence to clear that up a bit.

Also, not that Arian doesn’t need to learn about how status ailments work, though I do wonder if this spiel would’ve worked better in an earlier-story dungeon or not. Dunno, it just kinda feels like the two floors we’ve seen from this dungeon thus far have basically been used to provide exposition to the characters that I’m not fully sure about whether or not the timing is the most fitting.

Rolling Hills
Rest Floor

Arian was quite surprised at the sight that greeted him. Instead of the labyrinthine layout that would normally greet them as they climbed the final stair of a floor, he was greeted with somewhere very different to what he was expecting.

"...Are we out of the Dungeon?" he asked, looking around him.

The area looked normal - no sign of any maze-like structure to it. Instead, ahead of him lay what looked like a well-travelled path - or rather, two of them. A divergence to the path lay ahead, with two distinct paths creating a Y-junction. Where the path split, a signpost lay, along with…something that made Arian blink as he tried to assess what it was.

Is that…a statue?

Ah, so it’s the equivalent of those checkpoints with those Kangaskhan Rocks.

"No," Axel answered. "We're on what's known as a rest floor. …It's what it is; a place to rest and gather your bearings after a Mystery Dungeon that can make your head spin. There's no ferals here or anything; you can rest easy on this floor."

"Good. Because I could use one," Elvira brought up. "Can we take a rest? Even just a short one…"

"'Course!" permitted Ishmael. "Yer still gettin' into dungeon delvin'. Better take yer chance here 'fore we press on. 'Sides, we got some stuff to store, so we'll do that while you lot take a breather."

Huh, that makes me wonder if these storage rocks are manually tended to by a keeper or if they have some sort of wibbly-wobbly that automatically links them to some sort of collection point.

The Krokorok walked over to the peculiar statue that Arian noticed. Now that he had a closer look at it, he realised it depicted a large, bipedal creature with what looked to be a pouch at its stomach area. Curiously, Ishmael then put a few items into the pouch area, before turning back to the group.

"Ishmael?" Arian could not contain his interest. "What did you do with that statue over there?"

"Oh, that? It's a Kangaskhan Rock," the crocodile replied. "Ya find them in rest areas like this 'un. It's where ya store items ya find in Dungeons that ya don't really need. They're moved into storage, where ya can get 'em again from Kangaskhan's. That's a shop that's everywhere, so yer stuff's safe with 'em, and ya'll find it in most places."

Oh, so Ardalion just straight-up has Kangaskhan Rocks. Duly noted, then.

"...Um, what?" To call Arian confused would be an understatement. "I'm sorry, but…you might have to break that down for me."

"...Tell ya what. Try it out for yerself," suggested Ishmael. "Ya got items on ya?"

"...Yes." The Riolu held up his team's bag as proof.

"Go over there and store somefin'."

Whelp, time to find out how easy (or not) it is to get something out of these Kangaskhan Rocks after putting them in.

"...Okay," Arian obliged, getting up and walking over to the statue. It was huge, more than seven feet tall, and towered over him. What did Ishmael call it? A…Kangaskhan Rock? Is that what it's a statue of, then? A Pokémon called Kangaskhan? Luckily, the pouch part of the statue was low enough for him to put items into. Looking into the bag, he searched for something they didn't need.

Hmm…maybe this oran berry? …We have a few. We can part ways with one. He took the berry out of the bag and placed it in the statue's pouch.

Ishmael: “Um… Arian, not that Lillian and the rest of us aren’t here to carry you if we have to, but in general, you shouldn’t be ditching-”
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Arian: “No, no, give me a moment to see what happens, Ishmael!”

"...Nothing's happening," he remarked, after a few seconds.

"Walk away and come back to it later," Axel told him. "It'll probably shock you."

"Oi, El," Ishmael then asked Elvira. "Does it get tirin', teachin' 'im 'bout simple shit like that?"

"...Hm? Oh, erm…no, I wouldn't say that," the Treecko replied. "We all have to learn how to be a mercenary, and we all have to learn about things like Mystery Dungeons and the Kangaskhan Rocks. I'd argue that Arian's questions aren't too much different from the average beginner mercenary.

[ ]

I'm still learning things myself, even though Dad did teach me a few basics when he was still around." She then passed a water canteen to Arian, who sat down beside her and took a swig of the refreshing liquid.

Another paragraph that strikes me as one that would benefit from being chopped up.

"Still…must be a pain, losin' yer memories like that," sympathised Ishmael. "Innit, Arry?"

Arian: “Arry?
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Ishmael: “Yes, and? I’m allowed to come up with pet names, you know!”

"...A bit. All this stuff is so strange…" Arian answered. "Even if I didn't have amnesia, I'd probably still be asking questions left and right. It's…so foreign to me."

[ ]


"...Poor thing…" murmured Lillian pityingly.

"But that's why I'm so grateful to all of you for helping me become accustomed to everything," Arian thanked. "Without you all, it would be a lot harder getting used to all this. Thank you all, really."

Team Sandstream:
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Ishmael: “(Psst! We’re not going to have to handhold him through the basics of the Guild in like a chapter, too, are we?)” ^^;

"Hey, no problem! We're happy to help!" Axel responded. "That's what being a mercenary's all about!"

"'Sides, yer friends and workmates. We wouldn't leave ya hangin', would we? It'd go against everythin' my folks taught me," Ishmael added, before getting up from where he was sitting. "...Right, I think it's time to get movin' again. Ya need more time, or…?"

"No, we're ready," Elvira said, following suit. Arian did the same, followed by Axel and Lillian, and the quintet resumed their journey to Kamengrad.

Arian: “So wait, people just seriously pass through these on a regular basis to get from point A to point B?” .-.
Elvira: “I mean, the way to Kamengrad through here is significantly shorter than trying to take an alternative route, so…” ^^;

But as they began their walk, Arian was suddenly reminded of something.

"Oh yeah! The rock!" he recalled. He walked up to the statue's pouch, only to be stupefied by what he saw to discover that the Kangaskhan Rock’s pouch was completely empty.

"The oran berry! ...Where did it go?"

Okay, so these things just straight-up teleport their items out. Duly noted. Though that makes me wonder if there’s some sort of request system for being able to get to your items through them as well.

"...Knew ya'd be like that," Ishmael chuckled at the human's bewilderment. "It ain't gone, mate. It's been put into storage, is what's 'appened to it."

"Put into storage…?"

"Yes," Lillian confirmed. "You'll be able to get it later, at Kangaskhan Storage in Kamengrad. I know it sounds unbelievable…but it's true."

"...I'll take your word for it. If it is…that's amazing, that this rock is able to do just that…"

Oh, so this rock is specifically linked to the shop in Kamengrad. I actually wonder if that’s a significant enough detail that it’d be accompanied with a sign or label of some sort, lest someone get a nasty surprise thinking that they were going to pick up their goods back in Ozerograd.

"Anyway…to get to Kamengrad, we're takin' this path," Ishmael directed, pointing to the right path. Now that they were closer to the signpost, Arian could see why.

Iria
Kamengrad

On we go, then.

I would suggest using indent blocks in order to offset your signage’s text from the rest of the story, but that’s just me. Though Mystery Dungeons can branch out in multiple “paths” huh? That’s something that you don’t see too often in the games, but it’s a nice touch.

Rolling Hills - Eastern Path
7F

And so Teams Elpis and Sandstream progressed through the second half of Rolling Hills. Following on from the previous floors, the group of five stayed together, and were able to make quick work of the ferals there. which adding to Beyond the Stufful, Morelull, Gloom, Weepinbell and Combee they’d already seen earlier, there were also Ledian, Furret, Audino and Pineco. Arian found that he was typically favoured for battling any Normal-types, and did a good job at using his Force Palm to dispatch them. At least I can show them the Hinnerk fight wasn't a fluke, he thought.

It was beneficial for him, too, Little by little, as he was started getting more in tune with using his moves. Throughout the Dungeon, following advice from Elvira and Team Sandstream, he made sure to diversify his move usage, so as to hone Metal Claw and Quick Attack and not rely on Force Palm all the time.

Oh, so you’ve got a variation of that boosting mechanic from the games where the more you use a move, the stronger it gets long-term. Duly noted.

He also got to try out a blast seed on a wild Ledian, loaned to him from Team Sandstream's inventory. It was quite an experience, biting into the seed, feeling the fiery hotness of the seed heat up and expelling flames from his mouth like a Charizard. The Riolu had a good giggle after that.

"That was fun!" he laughed. "I want to do it again! Do you have any more?"

Wait, but… has Arian even seen a Charizard all this time? If not, it probably makes sense for him to explicitly compare the fire breath thingy to some Fire-type or fiery beam user that he’s seen before in the story.

"...Naw, mate," apologised Ishmael, after a quick examination of their bag. "Yer gonna 'ave to wait."

"...Bummer." Arian's disappointment was evident.

"You'll get your chance," Lillian assured. "Blast seeds are plentiful, and they sell cheaply as well."

"Really? …Well. I'll definitely be on the lookout for them."

Well, I can already tell that we’re going to see our share of explosive moments from Arian later on in this story.

"Heh," Ishmael chuckled. "Better watch out, El. Ya mighta just found a pyromaniac as yer partner."

[ ]

"Hopefully not. I am Grass, after all," Elvira replied.

[ ] The floors were scoured for the stairs, and many items found their way into both teams' bags. Money, berries…and to Arian's delight, a blast seed on the seventh floor, which he promptly used on a wild Gloom. The Grass-type stood little chance against that, and a Bite from Ishmael finished it off.

Might be fun/funny to work in some more explicit reactions to the pyromaniac crack from Ish there. Though yeah, I can already see Elvira’s
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reaction to seeing just how quickly Arian went straight for that Blast Seed there. :P

"Don't go using those too often," Axel warned. "You might need one in a pinch."

"Okay, okay, I get your point," Arian assured. "I won't overuse those. I promise."

"...If you say so…"

Yeah, he’s totally going to overuse them, I can already tell.

The rest of the floor yielded no difficult challenges for the group. Arian was paralysed by a Weepinbell's Stun Spore at one point, but a cheri berry Elvira had picked up earlier saw that problem taken care of relatively quickly.

Before long, the group found the stairs, in a room south to where the prior incident occurred. [ ]

"There it is," Axel said. "Finally, we're finished with this place."

"Oh, this is the final floor?" Arian asked.

"Yes. Kamengrad lies just beyond here," Lillian informed.

It probably makes sense to more explicitly describe what this place looks like since… yeah, it might as well be an empty, featureless room at the moment. Especially if there’s certain characteristics about Mystery Dungeons that are shared or otherwise unique among different dungeons such as what this exit out looks like.

"Great. …One step closer to the finish line," the Riolu replied. Relief came over him at the thought of finally belonging to the Guild. Now Elvira's goal - and more recently, his, too - would be realised.

Well, Irian Guild…here we come. I hope you're ready for us.

Arian: “Um… just saying, but given that your Guild is hidden here, Kamengrad’s not also a craphole run by a local mafia, right-?”
Elvira: “Arian!
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Arian: “What? I mean, obviously Ozerograd’s different now, but that was a decently accurate description of how it was up until the end of yesterday.” ^^;

Meanwhile…

Some distance away from the rural towns of Ozerograd and Kamengrad, stood the main centre of Selenia. The tsardom's capital city, Iria, stood proud and tall on top in a prime defensive position near the coast. It began as a fortification five hundred years ago against attackers, and developed into a major centre that would become Selenia's capital.

IMO, one or the other mentions of Iria being the capital of Selenia should be axed, since the information becomes redundant mentioning it twice. Though I smell a Mitrofan scene coming up.

Iria Castle was a distinctive part of the city, visible from most parts of Iria. Since the city's founding, it had been the seat of central Selenia’s government's location. and All manner of laws, statutes, amendments, legislation and acts were passed and repealed within its walls and Within the castle, many a ruler was born, raised and taught inside.

Some suggestions for some rephrasing tweaks for this part. Though for reference, if you wanted to take the ‘Russian’ vibes to the hilt, ‘Iria Castle’ would be something along the lines of ‘Zamok Iria’ for a place name.

And even when the trend was bucked in more recent years…the position of Iria Castle as the centre of government and the leader's home remained.

Right now at that moment, a servant was making made his way to the throne room. He was a Marowak, though a more uncommon variant that was black and had a dark pattern on its skull. He carried the signature bone possessed by most of his own kind. But as well as that, he carried with him a scroll of paper - specifically, a report to inform his leader of.

Ah, so this servant’s an Alolan Marowak. I suppose I should’ve seen this coming with the way that Bruno was an A-Meowth, though it makes me wonder if there’s a geographical range after which Alolan ‘mons stop naturally appearing.

He entered a hallway that lay before the throne room. In this room lay a number of paintings. Each depicted a past tsar of Selenia, and below each painting was a plaque dedicated to each tsar and the years they ruled for. These varied - some had lengthy reigns, while some reigns were nipped in the bud before they could get going. The species of the leaders were also diverse - few specific species were favoured, and consistency in this regard didn't last for long throughout the years.

I’m surprised that Mitrofan left these up instead of either destroying them or yeeting them into storage if he’s a fan of history. Since… yeah, you’d think that he’d not want reminders of the prior ruling dynasty in his new digs.

Notably though, there was one detail missing. The second last picture, prior to the throne room's entrance and before the current leader's portrait, was absent. A blank wall lay where it should have been, and no plaque lay below it either.

Huh. That actually makes me wonder if Kliment’s accession to the throne was contentious in Selenia or something. Since it feels like a very particular choice to airbrush the last tsar right before you took power but not the rest of his familial dynasty.

The Marowak was unbothered by this, evidently used to the sight. Guards who stood in front of the throne room parted to allow him entry. The Ghost/Fire-type knocked on the door of the throne room.

"Enter!" called a voice from within. With entry granted, the Marowak opened the doors, and walked into the throne room.

The throne room was where the Marowak's leader currently was, sitting on the red-and-black throne in the room as his predecessors once did. He was an intimidating figure; a huge, Steel-type Pokémon with black and grey armour plating, and two spiked horns atop his armoured head. Sharp claws and fangs were visible, and a thick, black tail swung behind him in expectation of the news his servant was to inform him of. Along with that, his armour had a fair few gouges and scars, implying that he had been in his fair share of scraps.

>red-and-black throne

Huh. So Mitrofan does see a need to maintain a pretense of ties to the past, even if that doesn’t exactly gel well with an Aggron. That makes me wonder if he’s from a splinter family of the Ruslans or something like that, since the guy hasn’t gone anywhere near as “Year Zero” as I was expecting him to have for ending a rule by tsars.

He was an Aggron, . A certain Aggron that had become infamous one whose mere name sparked dread among the Selenian populace once his name was brought up at its mention.

Some suggested rephrasings here. Though hello there, King Full Metal Jaguar.

"Master Mitrofan. I bring news," the Marowak spoke.

"Speak, Nikita," commanded Mitrofan. "What news do you bring me?"

And we’ve got a name for bone lizard there, though I wonder what these two’s story is with each other given that Mitrofan seems familiar with him.

"...Unfortunately, I do not bring you good news, Master," Nikita replied. "I have a report from Ozerograd regarding events that happened there yesterday."

"Ozerograd?" the Aggron inquired with a furrowed brow, feeling as though he knew the answer to the question already.

"...Hinnerk's been defeated, and the Thorned Roses have dispersed," the Marowak informed, reading from the scroll he carried.

Ah yes, things are going to get nice and uncomfortable for Ozerograd much quicker than I thought they would. Here I thought they’d at least make it a week before Mitrofan came around to slap down Hinnerk’s overthrow.
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"So it's finally happened." Mitrofan curled his fist "...Tch. Hinnerk was always arrogant and full of hubris. The likes of him have no place in a lordly position like he was. He belongs in hell's inner circles, that brute," he growled. "What became of him?"

"...Regarding that, my master," Nikita continued. "Hinnerk isn't dead. Rather, he's been imprisoned and locked up in the town's jail, along with other captured members of the Thorned Roses."

[ ]


"I beg your pardon? Captured?" The Aggron sounded shocked to hear this. "How foolish! Do the townsfolk really believe they can restrain him? He's a dastardly criminal who'll easily find a way to escape! If he can escape the confines of the Irian dungeons, then a town jail would be child's play for the likes of him!

[ ]

What motive would they have to keep him alive, anyway? He subjugated them for five years! And yet now they balk at disposing of him?"

Huh. Mitrofan is a lot more:

oh-no-anyway.gif


About Hinnerk being out of power than I was expecting. I suppose he’s been waiting for a chance for Hinnerk to faceplant and then put in new management for a while now.

Also, protip, Mitrofan: Choose someone from among the locals as a figurehead ruler and hold onto their kids in the capital to enforce compliance.

"There's a good reason for that," Nikita responded. "The townsfolk were not behind this. If left to their own devices, they would no doubt have had him murdered. But the influence of another had a hand in this."

I… did not get that vibe at all from the townsfolk between this and the last chapter, especially since you’d think that they’d have been in much more of a:

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mood towards the Thorned Roses that didn’t manage to get away and need to be talked down from going ahead and lynching them by Melchior and the others in his orbit at least once if Nikita’s assessment were accurate.

[ ]

"Well, spit it out! Who was it?"

"It sounds unbelievable, but…" The Marowak took a breath, knowing that this would be monumental news to his master.

"...Mud Bomber Melchior has returned."

Mitrofan:
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5vd5cE3n0M

“I’m sorry. What?

"...Melchior?" If Mitrofan wasn't focused before, he most certainly was now. The mention of the Swampert's name made him sit bolt upright with rapt attention.

"Indeed, Master Mitrofan."

[ ]


"...So Melchior was the one behind it all, then…" Mitrofan contemplated. "...Unsurprising. Given their history, he'd be all too happy to defeat an old enemy again and liberate Ozerograd from his control. And in line with the mercenary's creed, he would never kill unless in self-defence. …But how strange. Melchior only? No Kallias?"

Oh, so Mitrofan doesn’t know where Kallias is either. I guess that’s basically the subtle confirmation that he’s not dead in this story.

"No, Master. It was only Melchior that appeared in Ozerograd. Fernblade Kallias's whereabouts are still unknown. …But about Melchior, Master," Nikita continued, looking down at the report once again. "The report here claimed that Melchior himself did not defeat Hinnerk. It was in fact a group of self-proclaimed mercenaries influenced by him that brought Hinnerk to his knees. A group of five, to be exact."

I… just realized that the most likely vector through which Nikita’s even able to pass on this news is that one of the Thorned Roses that Team Elpis and the gang allowed to cut and run from town went and passed word on to a knight or something from the next oblast over. Sure was a good thing you guys all allowed that to happen, right?
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[ ]

"Mercenaries?" The word drew the Aggron's attention. "…Was any info amassed on them?"

"...Some information, yes," confirmed the Marowak. "Three of them were apparently part of a group Melchior sent to infiltrate the Thorned Roses. A Krokorok, a Gligar, and a Sandslash. Looking into it…I think it's highly plausible that's the same Team Sandstream that applied to the Guild not long before…the events of everything happened five years ago occurred," he finished, choosing his words carefully.

Hrm. I’m surprised that Nikita is being so exact words here with Mitrofan regarding things that he likely knows quite well. Dunno if that’s a sign that he’s not fully ride-or-die with Mitrofan and his rule..

"...Mm, yes," Mitrofan lightly growled, as if in remembrance of a bad memory. "...Team Sandstream, hm? Yes, that would match up with the report," he murmured thoughtfully. "…No doubt they were among those in the Guild who dared to side against me. …You said there were five that defeated Hinnerk. What about the other two?"

"...The other two were harder to determine." Nikita looked back at the report. "They were natives of the town, and don't seem to have any previous experience as mercenaries. They were a Riolu and a Treecko."

… Boy I sure hope that this information is being relayed by an escaped Thorned Rose and not an informant that’s still in town, since otherwise that has some very
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implications for how long Zenobia can stay off of Mitrofan’s radar.

"A Riolu and a Treecko?"

"Yes, Master. While we didn't find out too much about them, their names were recollected. The Riolu's name is Arian, and the Treecko's name is Elvira."

"...Arian and Elvira…" Mitrofan processed the two names. Then he stopped, when he realised something as a flash of realization crossed his eyes.

A Treecko named Elvira? Could it be?

Oh, so I see that Kallias’ family life wasn’t exactly a secret back in the Irian Guild. Since Mitrofan just casually revealed that he used to be a part of it, and given how much notoriety Team Marshwood had back then…

Thirteen years ago…


"And here she is! My little pride and joy herself!"

"A Treecko? …I see she takes after you, then."

"Not completely. There's some traces of her mother in her, too. …Say hello, Elvira."

… Wait, Kallias was also open about Zenobia too back in the day? How on earth have those two just been allowed to quietly live on the outskirts of a town without either having been summarily arrested as political dissidents or else constantly monitored to make sure that they didn’t take after Kallias? .-.

Though wait, where is this moment set anyways? Since we’re basically dealing with disembodied dialogue without anything really informing the setting or location.

[ ]

"..."

[ ]


"Don't be shy, Elvira. I know Mitrofan looks big and scary, but he's a good man. He won't hurt you."

Well. That certainly didn’t age well. Even if it’s certainly a trip to see that Mitrofan once upon a time wasn’t a ruthless tyrant.

"Elvira, is it? It's very nice to meet you."

[ ]


"...Hi."

"...A quiet one, are we?"

"Don't worry about her. She's just shy around new people. She is only five, after all. Plus, this is her first time coming to Iria. She's probably just overwhelmed by all the new sights."[/I]

Yeah, this is partly the reason why I was harping about doing a bit more description, since this is a potential way of introducing locations in Iria outside of the palace to your audience so that way you can cheese your description a bit later on when Arian and Elvira make it there properly.

Though I did not realize at all up until this point that Elvira was 18. Here all this time I thought she was more like the equivalent of 12-15. .-.

"I see. …I wonder. Will she take after you in more ways than one?"

I mean, based on a casual glimpse of the chapter titles… yes, yes she absolutely will, Mitrofan.

"Oh, I hope so! There's definitely an adventurous spirit in this one, if you'd believe it. She and a few of her friends snuck into Verdant Woods to explore it a while back."

[ ]


"Oh my. Exploring a Mystery Dungeon at so young an age…Was she alright?"

[ ]


"Of course. I found them and got them out. But her mother nearly had a heart attack when she found out. A few years was taken off her life, she keeps saying."

[ ]


"As any mother would say in her place. …On that note, where is Zenobia?"[/I]

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Oh, so Mitrofan does know about Zenobia. I wonder if there’s some sort of sentimental reason he has for leaving her alone, since… yeah. He wouldn’t exactly have a solid reason not to go after her for the sake of preserving his power otherwise.

"She's meeting Paulina. Paulina's looking for advice for the wedding, and wants someone who's been through the song and dance before. …And that's why Elvira's with me. But I think she'll get bored if we stand around talking for too long. You know what children are like."

“Paulina”, huh? I can tell that that name’s going to be popping up again in the future.

"Heh, true enough. I won't keep you, then. Oh, but before you go…have a bit of money. Get Elvira something at Slurpuff Sweets."

[ ]


"Sweets?"

I now have the mental image of Elvira greedily tearing into a vatrushka seared into my brain. Unless if she’s just more of the “pure sugar” type of sweets fan.

"Yes indeed, Elvira. Consider it a little gift from me. ..You'll accept it, won't you, Kallias?"

[ ]

"...I will. It's a special few days, after all. She's entitled to a few treats. …Elvira, say thank you to Mitrofan for the money."

[ ]


"...Thank you, Mit…Mitro…Mister. Misterfan?"

"Mitrofan, dear."

I wonder if Elvira even has memories of this moment still, since if she does, I wonder how one of her dad’s old friends that he used to trust turning around and ruining life for everybody in Selenia has weighed on her for trust issues or the like.

"Okay. Thank you, Mit-ro-fan.…Your name's weird."

[ ]


"Hah! A witty tongue as well. She definitely takes after you, Kallias."

[ ]


"Indeed. And I'm proud of her for it. …Come on, Elvira. Let's go get you some sweets."

"Yay! Sweets! Come on, Daddy! Where's the sweet shop?"


[ ]


"...Hm. What a lovely child. …And an adventurous sort? …Hmm…We may well see her at the Guild, once she becomes old enough."

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Okay, now I’m curious as to what on earth happened to change Mitrofan from the way he used to be, since boy did this ‘mon used to be different back in the day.

"...Group of volunteers was established in the town to clean up after the Thorned Roses, so to speak. But the potential is there for a militia…one that could rise up in rebellion against you, Master. Should we try and…"

Nikita had continued speaking as Mitrofan became lost in thought. But he drifted off when he realised the Aggron wasn't fully attentive.

"Master?"

Mitrofan: “Nikita, I’m in the middle of something here!” >_>;

"Hm?" Mitrofan came back to his attention. "Pardon me. I was considering something else. What were you saying, Nikita? Something about a militia?"

"...There is a possibility that the volunteers organised in Ozerograd could rise up against you, Master Mitrofan," the Marowak repeated. "Should we try and organise to break Hinnerk and the Thorned Roses out of - "

"No," Mitrofan interjected, his answer immediate and firm. "I won't ally with him any longer. He's a menace to society and no longer has a place as an ally. If he escapes, which he most likely will, I've every intention to see his demise come to fruition. …What a nuisance. Now another pocket of dissension opens up. Curse him!" Enraged, he slammed his fist on the throne's armrest.

Nikita: “I mean, we could send in the knights and install a new ruler on your behalf. (Even if that does feel like a bit of a waste of all that ‘monpower.)” .-.

[ ]


"There's no use wallowing in regret, Master," Nikita replied. "We can only look to the future. Yes, it was regrettable that Hinnerk allied with us. But it's not like we had much of an alternative, given the people he allied with."

[ ]


"You have a point, Nikita," Mitrofan said. "Let's forget about mistakes. If Ozerograd becomes a threat, I'll see to the end of any rebellion they dare to muster against me. Selenia must be ruled by someone, and I daren't have it be anyone who wishes for an olden time when the Ruslans ruled this country. A tainted bunch - that's all they are!"

Kliment personally wronged Mitrofan or something, didn’t he? Since boy is he deeply opinionated about the former tsarist dynasty of Selenia.

Nikita: “Er… on that note, you did wish for me to get rid of all the other Ruslan portraits from the hallway, yes? Since you never did remove any beyond Kliment’s.”

"Quite right, Master." Nikita was vocal in his support. "We'll quash any dissenters. And I'll stand by your side against any who dare cross your path. Until my dying breath, I'll be with you. Name a task, and I'll see it done!"

Well, Nikita’s a bit more ride-or-die with Mitrofan than I thought. Maybe.

[ ]


"I appreciate your dedication, Nikita." The hardened look on the Aggron's face faded slightly. "I do have a task in mind. Prepare the training grounds. I need to keep my wits honed and think of a plan to deal with this new development."

I… kinda wonder if Mitrofan should’ve given a bit more of a concrete verdict on what he wants to do as a “for now” solution to Ozerograd. Like my assumption is that he’s probably more in the mood to send someone over to reach out to whoever’s currently in charge and offer them recognition of local rule and help with their Hinnerk problems as long as they don’t make a fuss about it with “hundreds of knights are going to come and ruin your day” as the alternative arrangement if they don’t play ball.

Since as it stands, it almost feels like Mitrofan is basically just forgetting about the town and not really caring how it shakes out afterwards when for all he knows, Melchior’s still right there in it.

"Consider it done, Master." And with that, Nikita headed away from the throne room, leaving Mitrofan alone with his thoughts.

Elvira…Kallias's daughter. Becoming a mercenary, just like her father. …In another reality, I would've welcomed this news. But now she'll be my enemy, backed by Melchior of all people.

Boy is that going to be an awkward reunion in the future.

His thoughts drifted to the Swampert. [ ]

He won't forget what happened five years ago. He, with his upstanding morals, would never forget it. He would understand my situation. If only he was willing to hear it out…

Oh, so Mitrofan does have reasons™ for his whole overthrow of Kliment and the following jazz. Those will be interesting to see.

But five years does a lot to fester hatred. And the fact that Kallias isn't with him is strange. Could he be dead? What happened on his end, I wonder? At least it means one less personal enemy to deal with. Tch. And also one less that didn't join my side all those years ago…

It's a damned shame,
the Aggron lamented. If only events could have happened differently…then these unfortunate circumstances would not have turned out as they did.

Oh, Mitrofan used to be close, close with Team Marshwood once upon a time. Since I can see that twinge of disappointment / betrayal in his thoughts there.

But enough lamenting on the past, Mitrofan thought to himself, as he rose from the throne. Nikita's right. I must press on, regardless of my previous mistakes. Perhaps a bit of dummy thrashing will put these thoughts of mine at bay. And with that, the Aggron began his walk out of the room.

I… actually wonder if Mitrofan was in on whatever sacrificial business Hinnerk was up to, or if he was out of the loop all this time. On the one hand, that feels like a really big thing to not be aware of for what your underlings are doing… but if he was in on it, it makes me wonder “why?”

Something to be answered another day in this story, I suppose.

Well then, that was quite the ride there. I had quite a bit to say this chapter, so I’ll try and distill things into a summary since it’ll probably take a while to get through the full comments:

To start off with the things that I liked, but the strength of the chapter was once again its characterization, with the expansion of Melchior’s character and Mitrofan’s onscreen introduction where we find out that there’s more to the ‘mon than just his reputation as Selenia’s scourge being the main highlights. The moment where Team Elpis leaves their home behind to go off into the great unknown was also a pretty touching moment, though it does make me wonder if this will really be the last of Zenobia and Ozerograd that we see, since… yeah. Thar be shoes waiting to drop for the town.

For criticisms, I’ll refrain from delving too much on the “more description, pls” (which is especially noticeable in the Mitrofan flashback sequence) and paragraph / phrasing bits since I’ve already done that a few times in prior summaries and there’s plenty to chew over on that front in the full writeup and instead focus on some other issues that stood out to me that were particular to this chapter.

Okay, so the number one issue that I have with this chapter is that the whole mop-up sequence of Ozerograd was handled in an after the fact summary, and as a result, there’s a lot of moments that don’t have as much impact as they ought to or become very “informed attribute” (e.x. how the villagers would’ve apparently been in a much more “lynch”-y mood had Melchior and the others from the Irian Guild not been there to appeal to their better angels). Like just the described events could easily be one or two scenes of events fully written out even with shortcuts to cut to the “good parts” (e.x. freeing the detained Pokémon who were on the sacrificial block) while there’s a couple loose ends at the moment such as the fate of Vivian and Bruno that basically just fade into the ether.

I also was a bit unsure about the Mystery Dungeon sequence on the road to Kamengrad… which basically felt like it was just there to serve as a vehicle to give exposition to Arian about the way his new world and its mechanics work. I mean, granted, it had to happen at some point given that he’s an amnesiac with literally no idea of how things work otherwise, but I do wonder if there should’ve been something more intimately related to character goals or the like (e.x. his own memories, trying to figure out what’s going on with the Irian Guild, trying to figure out what’s going on with Melchior) that should’ve been played up in parallel, since otherwise the only real part that struck me as not something that could’ve been easily handled at some other point in the story was the Kangaskhan Rock tutorial.

Though hey, even if I had some bones to pick, I still had a good time @Arukona . Like I know that I always have a giant wall of critiques whenever I read these chapters, but there’s a genuine charm to them that’s just fun to see and watch play out that keeps me coming back for more.

This will probably be the last time that I review this story before Review Blitz is over, but I’ll be looking forward to coming back to it later this year. Hope the feedback was helpful, and best of luck with your writings. ^^
 
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Gyeig

Bug Catcher
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. samurott

Review of Chapter 12​


Vwheel time. Which means Chapter 12 at minimum. Going to approach this differently than the last few reviews and note my thoughts down while reading the chapter, will be interesting seeing if anything changes in the way I do these. Alright, with that out of the way…

Chapter 12

Starting off, the chapter opens on a pretty sizable dump where the way characters speak is explained through a lengthy chunk of text that explains exactly what voice to read the characters in. Additionally, part of this whole exchange is summarised in this dump, despite the chapter opening up with one of the characters’ talking.

I feel like I’ve dedicated a lot of time in previous reviews to this already, but it bears repeating - this is exactly the type of thing that should be visible in the conversation itself, rather than repeating it out loud. Makes it a lot easier to get immersed into what’s going on - especially the lives of these characters. This is the kind of ‘filler’ I generally like reading through. But again, enough of the last few reviews has been dedicated to that, so let’s just continue.

Before that, though. ‘Karelia Oblast’. Suomi mainittu torilla tavataan. Couldn’t resist, my bad. (Though, having an ‘oblast’ named ‘Karelia’ during this day and age, uh… usually I don’t like bringing the real world into Pokemon, but it’s worth pointing out if you haven’t noticed yourself yet.)

Moving on, I do like the little interactions Arian and Elvira have with each other when they’re selecting a mission, up to a little while into the dungeon. It’s charming, and plain nice seeing them in a casual setting without any kind of drama involved. Watching friends being friends, which is a large part of what makes the actual PMD games themselves so charming in the first place. That element’s captured well here, I feel…

…Though a little while later, we’re back to Arian apologising overly because of accidentally attacking Elvira while he’s confused. Yeah, I get why it happens, but this is retreading old ground. If I remember correctly, there were similar scenes in previous chapters where a similar scenario gets hammed up to no end, which does now kind of turn me off when it happens again.

In general, this dungeon exploration scene is… fine, sure, but it also feels like we’re trying to fill up the page as much as possible. At the end, it fast forwards a few days, and I’m starting to wonder if these two characters you introduced are going to be around in any way shape or form in the future. It would be disappointing if nothing more happens and this is a one off - because… did anything really happen here, aside from Arian getting some additional Pokemon 101 courtesy of Elvira? There’s the box at the end, sure, but unless this is some kind of major lead, I’m not sure if doing a generic dungeon crawl was the way to go about doing it.

…As a matter of fact, it was just money inside there. Bummer.

Note that this is not a problem necessarily, just something to keep in mind plot wise.
Alright, putting aside some thoughts that Melchior’s briefing is a bit clumsily written, the chapter does end up on a high note, with Melchior revealing what happened to Elvira’s father. Now, with how fast this came up, I can only imagine that he probably is still alive and out there somewhere, but that’ll be a whole can of worms for later. In the meanwhile, this is a strong moment for Elvira, and some good bonding for all three characters involved. If the chapter had been dedicated to this in detail, I probably would’ve walked away saying it’s the best chapter overall. At the moment, I’d say it’s too bogged down with the start for it to really shine through as a whole.

Still, this is what I’ve been waiting for during my readthrough of Dual Wills so far. A strong, character defining moment that sticks the landing well.

Overall thoughts

And with that, I’m going to end things off here. Now, I still have quite a few concerns about this fic, and I’d be lying if I told you otherwise. However, this is a step in the right direction, at least narratively speaking. I do hope you can understand where I’m coming from with the lore and character dumps, as well as the filler content that doesn’t necessarily go anywhere.

Thanks again for your patience and for your effort. I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your writing-
 
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