SnapDragon
Frog on a mission
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Thanks for the review! This is certainly a lot more than I expected, but it's always fun to see a new reader react to these first few chapters. I respond to a few key things:ayo I'm vwheelin' ova here!
hi :0 I read the prologue and the first two chappies for a big boy wheel spin, so here we go.
Pro-logue
People keep saying malamar is alright, but I knew he was evil this whole time.
It's always difficult trying to introduce pokemon in a way that isn't awkward. I made the grave mistake of having my protag bonk his head and forgor all pokemon so I get it. I understand struggling to get a weird creature across in third person. This is all to say that my first impression of the prologue is that you do eveything possible to make sure I know this character is a malamar--and, to be fair, succeed--and then the initial namedrop is not very graceful lol. I don't think you need that aside at all.
Aside from that, I almost wish this section were a bit more mysterious. You're shockingly frank with details I otherwise wouldn't know outside narration--malamar sucking at getting the orb to work and the kinda-but-not-really tiptoeing around the power therein without outright saying it, for example. We start off very casually for what I'm assuming are going to be the big bads of the fic and unfortunately it does take a little away from the menace of the finale. Mostly, I can't tell how seriously I'm supposed to take these guys. They're not really comedic, but have a level of camp that's somewhat goofy even in PMD. It's a framing issue, maybe. Leaning one way or another might help.
Enough with the negatives, I do love the disney villain camp. I don't usually dabble in outright villains and PMD fic has a tendency to either try for more even villains or just wait too damn long to start showing their hands so it's nice to relive my disney youth and watch a bunch of evil nerds cackle about their schemes. they're even discussing backup plans like normal people totally do. Overall, I am excited to see what you do with Larkspur at some point in the future. You may end up shooting yourself in the foot showing so much of him so early, depending on when we see him again, but idk that yet.
The setup is a classic. Although I'm actually surprised how few villains are involved in the human transmigration in PMD. At least in my memory, I don't recall many. It's a good way to involve the protag in the central conflict immediately. Can't avoid it if you are the conflict. It also implies a level of proactivity to the villains that is usually what makes a good villain shine. Plus, we get to imagine the inevitable confrontation. Very juicy.
Overall, the prologue is very efficient and to the point. Not to say it's too fast and, frankly, I prefer prologues this way especially since fantasy novels ruined them for me. There's a little bit of clunkiness here and there but it's manageable and counterbalanced by an otherwise engaging scenario.
Bird POV
thank god. I though this might not be a good fic but then I saw it had a murkrow and my fears were abated.
Your prose is good. You've got something easy to read but with an eye for small detail that give description life. I especially like the little things you bring up surrounding your characters. I have an immediate sense of the type of people they are and things they like and it's all revealed in a way that highlights Dahlia's guild-forwardness through her POV.
If I had a complaint, some of the more expository description from the prologue is also here and it takes away a little bit. as a specific example, Holly's introduction suffers a little bit from you staring the paragraph calling her strong and dependable and then going into details supporting that. It's the wrong order of operations imo. I'm not sure you need 'strong dependable leader' in the first place given how strong the following description is, but at the very least stick it at the end somewhere. It's something to keep an eye out for in general. A lot of your description and action is great and strong enough to not need elaboration, but it occasionally gets a little narrative tag calling it out that deflates the moment.
I will say that it's barely been a chapter and I'm already starting to get a sense of the world. Your writing is very immediate, by my initial evaluation. By the time you mention a character's name you've also really nailed somethign concrete to remember them by. It's a good process and may actually have me rebembering names for once.
omg it's a first person fic, you scoundrel. I've been tricked.
Wotter POV
I don't actually have problems switching perspectives. Its a fun thing and first person is tragically lacking in the fanfic community because we're all cowards afraid to confront our own demons.
But here we are with our human boy being birthed into this world.
I don't know if I have that much to say about this. I've read so many PMD fics back in the day that a lot of this is going through the motions and I find myself with fewer questions than I'd like. Not really your fault, I'm just ancient and decrepit.
I will take note of pokemon existing for your human characters though. We should take a tally of which writers go which way one of these days. Aso taking note that you use ferals. Interesting.
Bro is not having a good day even for the average PMD protagonist. Anxious boy doesn't even have an immediate grasp of his element and gets caught in the middle of an outlaw hunt before he can accidentaly reveal that he's a human. I like that he's a little more cautious with that information, at least, though I have a sneaking suspicion that he will not be sticking around this team for long.
Aloso everyone seems to fucking hate him lmao. Even Dahlia's kindness does not seem motivated by any actual feeling. Then Pink and Holly are immediately ehausted at the idea that they have to do work lol.
And Dahlia has the gall to tell me they're actually nice smh.
For a first chapter, this is about what I expected. I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot to say about it beyond that it's a solid entry in the PMD first chapters club. You characters are the real strength overall atm, it's a little too early to try and make predictions on the plot and the world is mostly promise atm before we get to town. That said, I'm excited to see where this goes. Personally, I'm actually a fan of first person despite never writing it.
Chapter 2
"What do you guys do besides kidnap pokemon?"
Nice one Oswald. That'll get em.
He's a bit of a wreck, isn't he? I can't say I'm surprised but my dude is not handling this well. Though in his defence, Dahlia doesn't seem to know what amnesia means if she expects him to know anything.
I'm a little torn on the ensuing exposition. I get that Oswald needs to know it, and if this were an original novel I'd maybe be a bit more tolerant of the exposition dump. But this is PMD fanfiction and most of this stuff I already know and most readers would already know. Some of it is usefull--thinking specifically of the difference between teams that explore or hunt bounties and etc... and there's some specifics around leadership that are interesting, but it's a lot of information that I either already know or would maybe like to see spread out a little more where it's more relevant.
God I love amnesia. Cowards won't admit it, but having an immediate bit of thrust for these kinds of isekai characters is very nice when we could otherwise be wandering around aimlessly. I like that Oswald acknowledges his goals here, too. It's something that should be integral to this sort of setup and yet gets occasionally forgotten as the ride gets started. Amnesiac characters feel fairly hollow without imo. Or otherwise indifferent to their own plight which is usually a dull read. Of course, the difficulty then becomes making your boy interesting with no backstory or relationships or place in this world which is a huge pain in its own right. I'm not expecting anything immediately so I will have to wait to see what Oswald becomes. Besides wotter.
Something I've noticed is that some of the issues I had with your third-person prose have gone or at least waned. I haven't noticed much clunky exposition yet, but then it's also difficult to be so explainy when everything is filtered through one person's eyes. Benefits of first person, I suppose.
Bro Oswald kinda funny tbh. "Thinking about my mortality" that's a classic. plus the kidnapping quip earlier, is this guy some kinda comedian or what? If only he weren't so anxious I bet he could put together a killer tight five.
Illiterate protagonist is very based. One of my favourite approaches to PMD protags is to fuck them up real good and take away their ability to read. It's funny every time and I'm so happy to see it.
A castle is interesting. Oswald got to it first wondering if this place had royalty, but I will echo the question. This place doesn't seem... medieval. idk log cabins are kind like that but also not really. I'm basing this mostly on the way everybody's talking and acting. Unless I'm missing obivous clues, which has me believing theres some kinda lore around why the guild is setup in a castle. Could be a remnant of human civilisation, I suppose. Or maybe they just like rocks idk. A castle does tend to be a very cool setting for anythign, so I'm not complaining about a guild being run out of it.
That gallade statue might be important. probably not though, I've never know an important gallade, nobody likes them.
Same with this quilava. don't know why he's here, bet he's not important at all.
Anyway, it's finally romance fiction lol. what a meet cute. I don't know why they didn't kiss immediately, thats a missed oportunity right there. especially when we'll never see that quilava again. oh well.
It is very funny that this happens in the middle of Oswald's self guided tour, then he just goes right back to it. You certainly aren't wasting any time. Though it's a little strange that bro just falls out of Oswald's mind right after the most awkward and obvioulsy gay meeting of all time. He has absolutely no clue.
I relly like the design of the castle. It's just as extravagant as I wanted it to be in my mind, with more than enough carpets to collapse atop your lover on. And not a hint of dissaray makes me think this isn't an ancient human settlement after all and just something someone decided to build sometime.
As Oswald makes his way to anemone with Lilac who seems suspiciously nice given everyone else hates Oswald, I will throw in my two cents that I do not trust anyone who has a throne room. The illustration accompanying anemone's introduction makes her seem very ominous. Imagine having a wall length portrait of god installed behind your throne. Shit's crazy. Also mind reading is automatic bad vibes. It might actually be good that Oswald forgot about his meet cute so quickly.
I'm not sure I trust her explanation, either. This is all too easy. Sure, you have a throne room and no guards because you just can't turn off your mind reading powers. Uh-huh.
Ancient humans confirmed. Maybe we did build the castle, after all. Please just tell me and put me out of my misery.
Oswald being silenced on his humanity is another interesting PMD trope. It's always fun to see how writers approach stuff like this--the reasoning for it. Usually there's lore implications, but I'm all about the drama so I approve of this decision either way. Especially knowing it never lasts long and Anemone does not seem like the overly forgiving type lol.
The tone of this is very interesting so far. For a PMD fic, this feels remarkeably cold. Oswald has, thus far, bounced between a bunch of characters that don't really want or like him and all the expected guides and mentors and partners have either not cared about or ignored him. Even anemone is fairly dismissive. He seems like just an extension of her job. Lilac is the most open character so far and I do not know if she's really like that or just putting up a front. Especially given her species--I've read those dex entries, I remember the vibe check pokemon memes, and Oswald is a vibe check and a half. This also extends to the the general thrust of PMD tropes. there's no triumphant moment of meeting the partner or vernturing through the first dungeon or being inducted into the guild. It's an interesting approach.
This is more of a neutral observation than a criticism. The real strength it has is that the defining moment of warmth so far is Oswald accidentally falling on a quilava who I'm certain will never show up again. It's honestly kind of clever for a romance and makes the moment stand out that much more. Even in terms of description, that feel like the most comforting, reassuring moment compared to Oswald's general confusion and anxiety. I also tend to like PMD fics that stray a little from the 'everyone is friends model'. I just find there's a realm of relationships beyond that and the petty/world-defining rivalries that run through most PMD which can be fun to explore.
Anyway, I kinda feel bad stopping before the first day is done but I am getting busier than I expected and it's better to post something a little shorter than miss out entirely. I might end up eturning to this later on my own time if I have the energy.
I alluded to it before, but I'm a little resistant to PMD starting chapters having read so many and admittedly, that's where it dragged a little bit for me. But as an overall evaluation, I liked this. It takes a little bit to get going, but once we got to the castle I started getting more invested. And it's not like PMD tropes are being used for no reason--everything you need to set up is set up in the first two chapters, things are happening like I want them to and there's a real sense of motion to the writing that makes it pleasant to read even if I'm coasting a little bit.
Also, while I memed a bit earlier, thank god you spend more than two seconds setting up a romance. You are a brave soul introducing the obvious love interest and then telling the audience to wait a little bit but it's so refreshing to see an author demand some patience from the audience, especially in romance. The worst thing that can happen is the two characters having no chemistry and no time and being expected to believe in them but I trust you won't have this issue.
but I haven't read ahead yet, so maybe you willl. oooooh spooooky~
gud fuc. I had fun. Like I said, I may want to return on my own time just because I ended at an awkward place but I may or may not review so just trust me, babe ;)
Bonus thought:
I will say that I'm so fucking stupid. I did not get that everyone was named after flowers until the third time someone told Oswald his name was cringe and I was like wtf your name is Dahlia, nerd, why is he weird? And then I realised. Oops.
When I first started the story way, way back in 2020 I wrote Larkspur to be deliberately campy mainly because I had no idea what the rest of the story would be like. And I ended up going back and forth on exactly what kind of character he'd be. A part of me wishes I could go back and commit to one idea of the character, but I think at this point I decided to roll with it.
Anyway, you're not the first one to comment on the tropy-ness of Flowerbeds. I started writing it before I realized that everyone started like this so the main thing that really differentiates it is how mean everyone is. Can you believe that they used to be even meaner?
I like how you pointed out the love interest being a moment of warmth in the middle, though. I just intended it to be a cute thing, but I'm glad it served another purpose I didn't expect. That's always nice.
Glad you enjoyed it overall, your review was very fun to read
