Spiteful Murkrow
Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
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Heya, took a while, but I’m here to round out my Reading Rookidee readings by picking up my review series of Below, finally reaching that chapter that you’ve been waiting for me to get to for a while:
Chapter 6
Okay, so a bit of a nitpick, but IMO, you want to give some sort of reminder to the audience that we’re dealing with Mark and Layla here within the first sentence, since in your original paragraph, it’s a bit ambiguous without peeking back to the prior chapter as to if we’re following them or if we’re following new characters.
… How is Mark not freaking out more obviously or screaming bloody murder right about now? :V
Yeeeeah, it might’ve made sense to take some time to emphasize how much Mark was freaking out in the earlier segment, since for a second, I thought you were going for some sort of “eh, it’s Tuesday for me” moment with him.
Mark: “I really did not need to know that, thanks.”
Mark: “Layla, why are you just shouting at the top of your lungs in a feral-infested Mystery Dungeon right now?” O_O;
Layla: “Well, how else did you expect Millie was going to hear us?”
Mark: “That… doesn’t sound good.”
Layla: “All the more reason to get moving, huh?”
Oh, so it’s a catwalk. And likely anthropogenic to boot. Makes me wonder what on earth this place was back in the day.
Mark: “... We really need to invest in headlamps sometime, since I’m pretty sure that this is a massive burn hazard for me right now.” >_>;
Layla: “You know, you sure are taking in all these gems with stride, Mark. I thought you’d go full my precioussss over them since I could’ve sworn Sableye were supposed to have a thing for gems.”
Mark: “Layla, I’m a human trapped in an alien body...” >_>;
Layla: “Still. Not getting affected by Pokémon instincts or anything like that?” ^^;
Mark: “... I just am? Like I should probably be a lot more bothered by this, but… I’m not?”
Layla: “Whelp, I’m not complaining here.”
This section would work better if you took some time to show off Layla’s expression a bit more. Like is she nonplussed? Weirded out? Giving a beaming grin? I’m assuming it’s door number 1 or 2, but it’s admittedly not clearly stated by the narration.
IMO, the second paragraph in this block is one that should be broken up. It doesn’t necessarily need to be as much as what I did, but at the very least, I think that “She steps [...]” is different enough from the rest that it ought to be its own deal.
Mark: “... Wait, wasn’t that noise coming from the same direction as that scream from earlier?”
Layla: “I mean, that doesn’t mean it’s from Millie, so…” ^^;
Mark: “I… don’t think that’s Millie.” o_o;
Layla: “Gee, Sherlock, what tipped you off?” >_>;
This is another paragraph that I feel would benefit from being broken up. Also, you probably want to take some time to describe Layla recognizing the voice and noticing that something is wrong / reacting accordingly, since as it stands, her sudden “oh no!” falls a little flat and doesn’t fully sell that frantic “oh crap, oh crap” sort of vibe that I think you were going for here.
Mark: “Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me…”
Noivern: “Nope. Your bags or your lives, twerps. Choose wisely.” >:|
Mark: “We really need to invest in a set of headlamps if we survive this.” >_>;
Mark:
Hmm… something about the sentences in this paragraph feel a bit choppy to me, especially in the second half. It might be worth playing around to see if:
A: This can be two paragraphs
B: Some of the shorter sentences can be merged with one another for instance:
Could’ve just as easily been something like:
- Cue a voice calling out from above -
Layla: “How are you not dead-?!”
Mark: “We already did that joke! A-Agh… my everything…” X_X
Mark: “U-Urk… I… did not know that Sableye could bleed. Guess you learn something new every day.”
Mark: “C-Crap, could this day be going any worse right now?”
And oh, so that’s what that art I keep seeing on your Discord links is.
This feels like another paragraph that ought to get broken up. Though I’m surprised that Mark hasn’t gotten ratted out yet when Noivern are supposed to have very good hearing and presumably have echolocative abilities. Though I suppose being in a minefield of metal scrap would help for deflecting sound waves a bit.
A little surprised that the Noivern is so dependent on sight here as a bat. But eh, I suppose this bandit or whoever she is of Alolan stock or something.
Mark:
Mark:
Mark: “Crap crap crap! W-Wait, that’s not at all what we were-!”
Mark: “This… is a really bad turn of events, isn’t it?” O.O
Mark: “Damn it, of all the times to not have a Slumber Orb or something like that right now.”
Translation:
Layla: “Mark, do something already, dammit!” >_>;
Wait, is this Mark’s rod that he picked up? Since it was never established that it had a sharp end earlier on. .-.
Mark: “Th-Threatening a child! This is low even for you!”
Noivern: “Cool story bro, so are you giving me your stuff, or is the kid gonna get it?”
Noivern: “That’s not what I asked for, punk.” >:|
Mark: “... Wait, why did you threaten Millie with a torch anyways when you could’ve just as easily pinned her to the ground and readied a Dragon Pulse or wedged your claws at her throat or something like-?”
Noivern: “Shut up and die already!”
Layla: “Mark, I told you not to hesitate!”
Mark: “Look, I wasn’t expecting her to literally carry off a little kid!”
Layla: “Mark, she’s a dragon bat!” >.<
Wait, is the Noivern attempting to eat Millie there? I think that’s the implication, but you might want to both make that clear and turn up the “oh crap”-ness from Mark if so, since this his first experience with a sapient ‘mon trying to eat another in this setting.
Another paragraph where IMO you probably want to break things up into parts, though from how brutal this fight is getting, I’ll be legit surprised if somebody isn’t dead by the end of it.
Mark: “Well, this could be going better right now.” X_X
Wait, so about that Noivern…
I mean, I’m assuming she’s just dead from all of that, but it might make sense to give more explicit confirmation like some sort of remark that she’s not moving and Mark can’t feel a pulse.
Also:
Mark: “M-Millie’s dying? N-Nobody said anything about-!”
Well, that got incredibly dark fast. Though considering how badly Mark was getting torn up earlier… I suppose I should be less shocked that a Noivern bite would take off a kid’s hand.
I’m surprised that Millie is able to follow instructions that calmly and coherently and she’s not doing something like shaking or whimpering during all of this. Since… uh, yeah, she’s just gone through something that’s going to scar her for life in multiple ways.
Uh… I mean, with the way things are going this chapter… I’m legit starting to worry that Millie really is gonna die, since I’m not sure how on earth she’s supposed to make it back to Scrap Town like this. With a guy who’s on his first real mission, no less.
I’m a little surprised that Mark doesn’t have more commentary over all of this going on. Like if nothing else, you’d think that if Mark noticed he wasn’t fazed by all of this, it’d worry him as to why he’s not being fazed by being next to the bawling child who’s just lost a limb and bleeding everywhere right now. Since it’d imply that he’s seen worse in the past, and enough so that he’s been numbed to an experience that a lot of others would find incredibly disturbing.
Mark: “Oh my god, wh-what did I get myself into?”
Considering how sideways everything has gone already in this chapter. I will believe Millie will survive this when I see her return to Scrap Town and the rest of her walking around in one piece a few days later.
Mark: “... (How has she not died from shock yet at this rate?)”
Millie: “A-Are you shrink-wrapped?! I’m missing a hand!” >.<
Mark: “... You’re relatively safe?”
Mark: “Oh god, please tell me I don’t need to play amateur medic and therapist right now.” O_O;
Wait, to him? Implying this other child isn’t a Kangaskhan?
Mark: “Note to self, never accept another mission dealing with children. And get a nice, stiff drink after all of this to try and forget about as much of everything that happened as I can.”
Mark, can you tempt fate any harder with summoning the reaper right now?
Wait, is that really how field dressing a lost limb in an emergency works? Since I wouldn’t have thought that would work.
Millie: “I’m missing a hand! How on earth is this being saved?!” >.<
Mark: “Look, you’re at least not going to bleed out in five minutes, okay?” >_>;
Cue Millie looking at her wrist and keeling over.
Mark: “O-Oh thank god, she’s actually following instructions right now.”
Millie: “Sh-Shouldn’t we be trying to get my hand right now? Th-Those can be surgically reattached, right?”
Mark: “Kid, your hand’s been chewed-up and is probably in a dead Noivern’s stomach right about now. Learn to live with a prosthetic.” >_>;
IMO, it might make sense to make Layla stammer if she’s meant to be severely taken aback right now.
Layla:
Mark: “Wait, L-Layla? What’s wrong-?” O_O;
- Mark looks down at a still-shuddering Millie minus a hand -
Mark: “... Right, that’s a thing. But, uh… I found Millie, at least?” ^^;
This would benefit from a paragraph before Layla’s line where she’s full
over all of this at the moment. Like I get that it’s probably what she's feeling right now, but you might as well describe it a bit more.
Mark: “I’m… guessing that I saw some stuff when I was a human. Since now that I think about it, it was kinda freaky how I wasn’t all that fazed by a mutilated child bleeding buckets and screaming bloody murder during all of this.”
Layla: “Please tell me that all of that happened after you left the Surface.”
Mark: “Layla, she literally fell like 20 meters to the ground and acted as my landing cushion. I’m pretty sure that she’s dead-” ._.;
Layla: “Look, I’ve heard enough stories about not finding the body. I’m going to make sure she’s dead. Especially if she did that to our client!” O_O;
Mark: “Also, you should probably see a hospital first. Assuming there are any in Scrap Town.”
Oh, so Mark’s got his first confirmed kill of the story. Though I think that this particular sequence would benefit from showing more of Layla’s actions and the like, e.x. what she’s doing to try and calm Millie down when for all she knows, she’s going to look at the stump where her hand used to be and start to cry again.
Millie: “Yeah, great job there, you two.”
Layla: “... We’ll make sure nobody will hurt you worse?” ^^;
Mark: “(Layla, is that wound going to stay uninfected that long?)” O_O;
Layla: “(Look, we don’t have much of a choice right now. Just focus on keeping her calm and not bawling and running around like a beheaded Torchic, alright?)” >_>;
Mark: “(She sure is exhibiting a lot of restraint to not look at the stump at where her hand used to be-)”
Layla: “(Ark-May, ix-nay e-thay and-hay alk-tay!)” >.<
Millie: “... Shouldn’t you be disinfecting my wound right now?” ._.;
Layla: “Look kid, I’m not a miracle worker here. Just take the food and let’s get going.” >_>;
Layla: “Uh… speaking of which, you sure you’re going to make the journey back, Mark?”
Mark: “Well, if I can’t, it’s gonna be a really short story, so…” >_>;
Mark: “(Also, if her mother asks, the Noivern took her hand off before I found her, okay?)” o_o;
Layla: “(Uh… yeah, I’ll back you up there.)” ._.
Mark: “You know, I probably should be more mad about that right now. But I’m a bit more concerned about making it back to town and getting blackout drunk to try and not remember most of the past 24 hours.” >_>;
Mark: “And… uh… yeah, let’s keep this between us and not tell anyone else. Least of all Millie’s mother.”
Mark: “But the Noivern was talking coherently, and-”
Layla: “Mark, she tried to eat a child alive. She was gone enough that she needed to be put out of her misery.” >_>;
So Mark was a medic back in the day. And one that’s seen some stuff given that he knew reflexively how to respond to limb loss in the field.
Another paragraph where IMO you should break some stuff up into smaller paragraphs, since you have a lot going on in this one that feels kinda jammed together.
Mark: “... Wait, is that thing functional?” .-.
Layla: “Only one way to find out…”
inb4 it does nothing because her USB drive has someone’s family photos or something like that on it and not whatever input the terminal needs.
Alright, onto my final thoughts:
Well that chapter got really brutal really fast, can’t say I was expecting that one. You made a fairly ballsy choice to maim a child character on-screen as a plot device, and I think that it was pulled off decently. I’ll admit it made me feel a bit uncomfortable, but at the same time, I’m not sure if the chapter would’ve worked as well if you’d let Millie off easier. Your setting has been established in the past as being one where things are fairly hard-edged and precarious, and having that crash into the protagonists front and center as a result of their own decision-making is a way of soberly reminding the readers that, and of why Layla wants to get everyone out of their craptacular status quo in the tunnels at the moment.
Tying in with the above, but I thought your chapter had a good sense of tension and unpredictability. Originally I had been writing this review with the intent of doing it in two blocks over two nights. That swiftly went out the window by the midway mark, since you got me invested in seeing how things would turn out, since it genuinely did not feel like it could be taken for granted that everyone would be okay in the end and even now, I’m not fully sure if Team Surface are going to successfully make it back to Scrap Town with their client or not. I also thought you droped in some tantalizing hints about Mark as well, since the chapter heavily implies that he’s seen some stuff in life. Which is probably not a good omen of what the Surface used to be like but I suppose that’s a story for another day and another chapter.
As for criticisms that I have, most of the bones I had to pick could be resolved from additive editing. I noticed there seemed to be a recurring issue of paragraphs that had enough content to be multiple paragraphs lying around, you might want to consider looking those over and seeing if those can be split up at all. I also thought there were a couple moments where I thought more description was needed. Mark and Layla’s reactions and internal thoughts in particular, especially when things were going seriously sideways felt like they were left up to imagination a little too much, which made it hard to get a reading on them and how they were doing at some parts.
As for less “simple fix” criticisms, I kinda felt that some of the characters felt like they “dropped” certain moods a bit too quickly considering their circumstances. Like for example, I was a bit surprised that Millie didn’t need more coaxing and emotional support after getting brought back to Layla by Mark given that the kid just went through an incredibly traumatic event with a lingering wound that probably still hurts that can be seen from a casual turn of her head. It also kinda felt like it left some opportunities to glimpse into the way Team Surface ticks on the table. Like if Layla for instance would be the type to take the idea of seeing a child hurt hard, you’d think that she might be doing things like trying to distract Millie with something like sweets or funny faces, or more cynically, getting her to eat a sleep aid. Similarly, I noticed that Mark mentions that he feels guilty about how his hesitancy with the Noivern cost Millie, but it’s all handled in one paragraph in a single scene. It might have had more oomph if we saw more of that some of that a bit beforehand, such some initial panic at seeing things go south for Millie, flashes of guilt after providing initial treatment, or something like that.
But altogether, I thought that the overall package was put together well, if a bit startling. You mentioned looking forward for a long time as to how I’d feel about this chapter, and I can see why. In many ways, this is the “wake up call” moment for Team Surface in this story, even moreso than Mark’s near-death experience with Bali, in which we see that they’re not going to get cut a break by the universe for being inexperienced, as well as establishing just how bad things can get if they fall short.
I had some mechanical quibbles, but assuming that this chapter was meant to keep readers on the edge of their seat, I think that you accomplished your goals quite well @BestLizard . For a second, I legit thought you were going to kill Millie off, and the chapter definitely sold a “nobody is safe” vibe with brutal efficiency, even if things (somewhat) worked out in the end.
I’ll be looking forward to seeing where this story goes in future chapters, since you’ve thrown the gauntlet down, and now it’s time to see how the characters navigate their treacherous world that is dark and full of terrors on their way back up to brighter skies.
Chapter 6
Mark and Layla carry on, the minerals in their torchlight’s reach show a darker indigo hue this far down. The chaotic galaxy of glitter below never lets up no matter how deep they descend. Crystals stop crossing in convenient spots, whichcausemake the pairtobacktrack occasionally. They climb up steep gems, jump across gaps, and balance across long, thin crystals. All these jewels reach out for long distances and sprout from other crystals, with no final base ever in sight.
Okay, so a bit of a nitpick, but IMO, you want to give some sort of reminder to the audience that we’re dealing with Mark and Layla here within the first sentence, since in your original paragraph, it’s a bit ambiguous without peeking back to the prior chapter as to if we’re following them or if we’re following new characters.
Mark even slips off an awkward ledge. Layla catches his arm. His feet kick around over the void.
“Relax. Put your hand over the ledge and swing your leg over,” she says.
… How is Mark not freaking out more obviously or screaming bloody murder right about now? :V
He has to swing his body three times but a leg eventually gets over the crystal. It’s easy to pull himself up after this. When safe, he hugs the crystal, panting.
She gives him a devious smirk. “Careful, Mark. You could have impaled yourself on a crystal below!”
Yeeeeah, it might’ve made sense to take some time to emphasize how much Mark was freaking out in the earlier segment, since for a second, I thought you were going for some sort of “eh, it’s Tuesday for me” moment with him.
Mark: “I really did not need to know that, thanks.”
Mark shakes his head. He gets back onto his feet. His legs wobble.
Layla huffs. “That being said, we’re about ten floors in by now. We should start shouting for Millie. MILLIE!”
Mark: “Layla, why are you just shouting at the top of your lungs in a feral-infested Mystery Dungeon right now?” O_O;
Layla: “Well, how else did you expect Millie was going to hear us?”
There’s no response, only another shriek below.
Mark: “That… doesn’t sound good.”
Layla: “All the more reason to get moving, huh?”
“Further we go,” she says. They reach a wall of small, shiny gems where the crystal sprouts from. It bends around as if it is a wide cylinder. To the side of where they stand is dark grey scaffolding wedged into the glassy spire. Steel beams cross each other to support the weight of the metal plates.
Oh, so it’s a catwalk. And likely anthropogenic to boot. Makes me wonder what on earth this place was back in the day.
She steps onto its surface, her footmaking aclanging against the metal as Mark follows her. There is no ladder hanging on the side, so the two climb down the outside of the scaffolding, across the beams. Layla’s comfortably holding her torch in her mouth, but Mark tries to keep it held in his armpit which slows him down. He can’t tell if this or the narrow paths earlier is scarier.
Mark: “... We really need to invest in headlamps sometime, since I’m pretty sure that this is a massive burn hazard for me right now.” >_>;
The scaffolding dangles over the void with no bottom floor. Layla climbs around the corner. “Oh, here!” she says and jumps onto another gem a foot away. Then she jumps to another crystal step. Mark stuffs his torch handle into his maw and makes the leap as well. He catches the first crystal with all four limbs.
Layla: “You know, you sure are taking in all these gems with stride, Mark. I thought you’d go full my precioussss over them since I could’ve sworn Sableye were supposed to have a thing for gems.”
Mark: “Layla, I’m a human trapped in an alien body...” >_>;
Layla: “Still. Not getting affected by Pokémon instincts or anything like that?” ^^;
There are four more of these jewels jutting out of the massive structure, each needing a jump to reach. Layla gracefully traverses them and waits patiently for Mark, who throws his whole body each time and clings tightly. After the last one, they approach four metal beams in a row, wedged into cracks in the crystal. They’rethat are spaced narrow enough to walk over.
“You’re really calm for how perilous this all is,” Layla says, stepping onto the first beam, then the second. They bend under her weight. “You just woke up, how do you do this?”
Mark: “... I just am? Like I should probably be a lot more bothered by this, but… I’m not?”
Layla: “Whelp, I’m not complaining here.”
Mark follows, holding onto the crystal wall with his free hand. “I have to stay calm. Panicking causes problems. Plus, I have a feeling I’ve been through more dangerous things.”
[ ]
“Hmm. Well, that’s a good trait. I shouldn’t have brought a newbie to such a dangerous place so early on but whoops, haha. Don’t die.”
This section would work better if you took some time to show off Layla’s expression a bit more. Like is she nonplussed? Weirded out? Giving a beaming grin? I’m assuming it’s door number 1 or 2, but it’s admittedly not clearly stated by the narration.
The final beam creaks when stepped on. After it is a plump crystal which they jump onto. It is a dead-end save for a steel girder extending deep into the starry void away from the crystalline tower. Its end is drilled into the glassy surface.
“Millie!” Layla shouts again. There are vague rumblings below.
“Welp, onwards. Come on.”
She steps onto the beam, stretching her arms out for balance. When her teetering steadies, she walks into the darkness. Mark follows, mirroring her form. They stagger forward until safe ground is out of sight. There is only darkness punctured with a million gleams around them.
IMO, the second paragraph in this block is one that should be broken up. It doesn’t necessarily need to be as much as what I did, but at the very least, I think that “She steps [...]” is different enough from the rest that it ought to be its own deal.
Mark: “... Wait, wasn’t that noise coming from the same direction as that scream from earlier?”
Layla: “I mean, that doesn’t mean it’s from Millie, so…” ^^;
“Millie!” Layla shouts. The same noise is heard again, clearer this time. It is a vaguely female voice.
Layla gets on one knee and yells below her. “Millie! If you can hear me, stay still and hang in there! We’re going to rescue you!”
“Trespasser!” the voice screams.
Mark: “I… don’t think that’s Millie.” o_o;
Layla: “Gee, Sherlock, what tipped you off?” >_>;
[ ]
“Oh no! Hurry Mark,” she says, and quickens.
Mark tries to speed up but he falls behind. The beam below them wobbles, forcing Mark to stay still until steady. A monster screeches behind him and clanging sounds signal its approach. He resumes, biting his lips.
The end of the long beam comes into sight—its other support is tied around a long crystal jutting out from a twisting spire with cable. Small crystals jut out to its side, forming a neat line of steps downwards. Layla is already running down them.
This is another paragraph that I feel would benefit from being broken up. Also, you probably want to take some time to describe Layla recognizing the voice and noticing that something is wrong / reacting accordingly, since as it stands, her sudden “oh no!” falls a little flat and doesn’t fully sell that frantic “oh crap, oh crap” sort of vibe that I think you were going for here.
Mark jumps to the landing and feels the heat of a dragon pulse flying over his head. He looks back - their pursuer is a Noivern who has a foul burn mark stretching across her right face, neck, and shoulders. Only a taff of collar fluff grows on her left shoulder, which has crisped tips. The claws on its wings grip the bar.
“Drop your bags now!” the dragon says.
Mark: “Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me…”
Noivern: “Nope. Your bags or your lives, twerps. Choose wisely.” >:|
“Don’t let her reason with you!” Layla shouts.
She growls and shoots another Dragon Pulse at Mark before he even responds. He rolls out of its way and it fractures the spire behind him. He gets back up and chases down the staircase, keeping a hand against the wall to balance. Layla’s torch is far away.
Mark: “We really need to invest in a set of headlamps if we survive this.” >_>;
“Layla, wait!” he shouts.
The dragon roars and the purple glow of dragon energy explodes just below the crystal he’s on. It dislodges and his feet slip. He yells and flails while Layla shouts his name but he catches nothing. He falls.
Mark:
Soaring past still air, his front hits the sloped side of a gem acting as a support to the tower. He slides down the smooth surface and falls into the empty void again. He hits another crystal the size of him, which breaks off. Both him and the debris crash into further crystalline outshoots, snapping them off. Human scaffolding breaks his fall next, the metal slamming his side and roughing up his body. The glittering avalanche above crashes down on the supports. The structure collapses, bringing him down farther with rough bumps while a cacophony of clangs and crashes overwhelms his ears. It ends with a giant boom.
Hmm… something about the sentences in this paragraph feel a bit choppy to me, especially in the second half. It might be worth playing around to see if:
A: This can be two paragraphs
B: Some of the shorter sentences can be merged with one another for instance:
He hits another crystal the size of him, which breaks off. Both him and the debris crash into further crystalline outshoots, snapping them off.
Could’ve just as easily been something like:
He hits another crystal the size of him, which breaks off and flies along with him and crashes into further crystalline outshoots, snapping them off into a growing hail of debris.
- Cue a voice calling out from above -
Layla: “How are you not dead-?!”
Mark: “We already did that joke! A-Agh… my everything…” X_X
He screams until the worst of the flaming agony cools, most of it in his side. Once the shock’s over, he pants and seethes. Blood spits up, splattering onto unseen ground. His limbs fidget to feel if they can move—his back right leg twitching shoots up pain that he winces over. He feels faint.
Mark: “U-Urk… I… did not know that Sableye could bleed. Guess you learn something new every day.”
Around him, the base of colossal crystals is outlined by massive specular reflections. The illusion of orange stars is blacked out by the shapes of chaotic wreckage jutting out in a field in front of Mark. An orange flame burns away from him—it is the torch he dropped. Rods, plates, and sprouting crystals bask in its warmth. To the side, a silhouette exposes uncollapsed scaffolding.
Layla’s voice echoes above. It's unintelligible. There’s the flapping of wings as the outline of a wyvern descends by the torch. “Where are you!?” the Noivern shouts.
Mark: “C-Crap, could this day be going any worse right now?”
And oh, so that’s what that art I keep seeing on your Discord links is.
Mark puts a claw over his mouth, muffling his uneven breathing. They stomp away from him—he can’t be seen in the darkness and the wreckage obfuscates his silhouette.
He remembers when he was in a similar situation, and how he got out of it. It was an Oran Mushroom that healed his pain. He pats his side; the adventure bag still rests there. He reaches to its flap and unlatches it. It clinks.
He freezes in terror, but the dragon continues moving around, overturning metal plates. He reaches inside, agonizingly hearing every ruffle as feels his wares. He realizes he doesn’t know what an Oran mushroom feels like.
This feels like another paragraph that ought to get broken up. Though I’m surprised that Mark hasn’t gotten ratted out yet when Noivern are supposed to have very good hearing and presumably have echolocative abilities. Though I suppose being in a minefield of metal scrap would help for deflecting sound waves a bit.
The Noivern grunts and shuffles back to the torch, picking it up. With the light, she moves around the wreckage of metal and crystal shards with ease. Mark hurries. The mushroom he feels first has the texture and size as what he’s eaten as food. The next mushroom’s feel is unfamiliar. Some Poke rolls out of his bag and clinks on the floor.
A little surprised that the Noivern is so dependent on sight here as a bat. But eh, I suppose this bandit or whoever she is of Alolan stock or something.
Mark:
The dragon turns. “You’re there.” She walks towards him, although her slow pace makes Mark believe she’s bluffing. He pulls out the mushroom and gambles swallowing it. Its effects aren’t immediate, but once the dragon halves the distance, the warmth fades. Strength returns to his muscles and clear vision returns. He rolls onto his feet, making another clang. The dragon laughs and charges. His side is still stiff, but he stretches shadow sneak phantom below.
Layla’s echoey voice hollers above. One of the words resembles “Millie.”
“Mom? Is that you?” a nearby child’s voice says.
Mark:
The dragon stops its charge. Mark holds his breath. She turns around.
“You ambush me with children?” she says and flies to where the voice rang.
Mark: “Crap crap crap! W-Wait, that’s not at all what we were-!”
“No!” Mark shouts. He runs but trips over unseen debris and bangs onto a metal surface. While he scrambles up, he feels a loose rod. He picks it up and carefully runs through the chaotic terrain, avoiding any more tripping. The Noivern’s torch illuminates a young Kangaskhan’s child as she descends.
She picks Millie up by the wrist. “There you are!”
Mark: “This… is a really bad turn of events, isn’t it?” O.O
Millie kicks and punches the air around her. “MOM! HELP ME!”
“Shame on you. Who else is hiding?!” the Noivern says, gripping her wrist hard.
The child starts screaming. “STOP! STOOOOP!”
Mark: “Damn it, of all the times to not have a Slumber Orb or something like that right now.”
Layla yells again, still unintelligible.
Translation:
Layla: “Mark, do something already, dammit!” >_>;
Mark approaches them but trips over another unseen gap in the wreckage. The clang echoes.
The Noivern points the torch in his direction, bringing him in view. The sharp, twisted end of his weapon is exposed.
“Don’t get closer!” she says. She holds Millie up high, dangling her. Mark gets back up and steps closer. She growls and brings the torch next to Millie’s side, who tries to sway away from the open flame. “You will approach me with your hands up, and your bag on the ground.”
Wait, is this Mark’s rod that he picked up? Since it was never established that it had a sharp end earlier on. .-.
Mark: “Th-Threatening a child! This is low even for you!”
Noivern: “Cool story bro, so are you giving me your stuff, or is the kid gonna get it?”
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Please don’t hurt me!” Millie says. She sobs.
Mark stops. Diplomacy is tempting, but he remembers Layla telling him not to reason with her. He won’t let naivety trap him again.
“Alright, alright!” Mark says. He holds his arms up but neither the bag nor weapon drops. “I’m approaching you slowly.”
Noivern: “That’s not what I asked for, punk.” >:|
The Noivern points the torch back in his direction. “Stop when I tell you to. And drop your weapon. I’ll make this quick.”
Each step makes the dragon’s low growl stronger. He keeps playing chicken, staring dead in her eyes to distract the shadow crawling across the ground. She eventually howls and turns the flames toward Millie’s side, but the phantasmic claw swipes her wing before she thrusts it. The torch and child are dropped while she screams. Millie yells as she hits the rough floor.
Her other wing holds across the gashes in her membrane. “I’ll kill you all!”
Mark: “... Wait, why did you threaten Millie with a torch anyways when you could’ve just as easily pinned her to the ground and readied a Dragon Pulse or wedged your claws at her throat or something like-?”
Noivern: “Shut up and die already!”
He rushes to her and swings the rod at her knees. There’s a cracking sound and she shrieks, falling onto her side. Mark jumps onto her and bats her head which provokes more pained yells. He keeps swinging until he spots the twisted, sharp end of the steel. He curls both his claws around the shaft and presses the end into her neck. His muscles tense, but he feels the muscle below the end of the rod shift around. Her cries fill his ears. He hesitates.
It's too late. The Noivern’s claw swipes and gouges his side and she smacks him off with a wing attack. Mark soars through the darkness and slams against an upright scaffolding plate. He scrambles on his feet, holding his wound. The Noivern picks up Millie once more, blood dripping where her claws sink in. A sharp shadowy claw rushes across the ground towards her.
She chomps Millie’s hand and pulls away.
Layla: “Mark, I told you not to hesitate!”
Mark: “Look, I wasn’t expecting her to literally carry off a little kid!”
Layla: “Mark, she’s a dragon bat!” >.<
Millie’s scream bores into their ears and rings through the whole cavern. Her hand is gone. Layla above shouts something. Mark furiously charges at the Noivern while the shadow sneak swipes and shreds new tears on her side. She ignores the cuts and cranes her head to swallow. Blood trickles from the corners of her muzzle.
Wait, is the Noivern attempting to eat Millie there? I think that’s the implication, but you might want to both make that clear and turn up the “oh crap”-ness from Mark if so, since this his first experience with a sapient ‘mon trying to eat another in this setting.
Mark picks up the torch she dropped and barges his entire body into her. She lets go of Millie and wobbles. She grabs his neck and lifts him off the ground. His breathing gets tight and he kicks around. Wings flap and he’s carried upward until the bat soars through the darkness.
The back of his head slams the edge of metal scaffolding causing his ears to ring and vision to blur. Another shadow sneak rushes over her wing and swipes at her neck, tearing its skin apart. Blood flows over the shadow claw and down her body while her shrills mix in with the child’s screaming.
She slams his head against the metal again, dizzying him. He retaliates by sinking his torch into her membrane’s wounds. Another shadow sneak reaches for the neck again, creating fresh new gashes. Purple embers trickling from the corners of her maw illuminate them in a sinister purple glow. He gasps for air but the choking claw denies him breath. His lungs hurt.
Another paragraph where IMO you probably want to break things up into parts, though from how brutal this fight is getting, I’ll be legit surprised if somebody isn’t dead by the end of it.
Mark: “Well, this could be going better right now.” X_X
Millie shouts “Please save me! Someone!” between anguished howling.
Mark shuts his eyes and tears well as he knows he can’t save her. He’s at the edge of passing out while the heat of the pooling dragon energy intensifies. But her grip weakens instead and they both fall. Air flies past them and her body cushions the impact against the debris, the heavy boom signaling his victory. He’s left gasping for air until vision returns to him. With his senses returned, he hears a dying child crying. He runs, lurching and holding his cuts until he arrives.
Wait, so about that Noivern…
I mean, I’m assuming she’s just dead from all of that, but it might make sense to give more explicit confirmation like some sort of remark that she’s not moving and Mark can’t feel a pulse.
Also:
Mark: “M-Millie’s dying? N-Nobody said anything about-!”
She holds the hole where her hand used to fit. Her body’s colour is faint save for her blood-soaked arm. She’s struggling to breathe between panicked screams. Mark tunes out everything and dumps his entire bag onto a plate beside her. Bandages fall out last. He puts his torch down.
Well, that got incredibly dark fast. Though considering how badly Mark was getting torn up earlier… I suppose I should be less shocked that a Noivern bite would take off a kid’s hand.
“You need to lie down and hold your arm up. Keep as much pressure on your wrist as you can,” he asks. Millie obliges.
“It hurts. Please help me. I’m going to die,” she says before she is lost to uncontrolled sobs. Her mouth moves to mutter words but she can’t form anymore.
I’m surprised that Millie is able to follow instructions that calmly and coherently and she’s not doing something like shaking or whimpering during all of this. Since… uh, yeah, she’s just gone through something that’s going to scar her for life in multiple ways.
Uh… I mean, with the way things are going this chapter… I’m legit starting to worry that Millie really is gonna die, since I’m not sure how on earth she’s supposed to make it back to Scrap Town like this. With a guy who’s on his first real mission, no less.
Mark’s expression is focused as he wraps a bandage around where her arm meets her shoulder - wrapping the wound itself wouldn’t be effective until the bleeding stops. He glances around and picks up a nearby short, thin steel bar and rests it over the simple wrap. The ends of each bandage tie around each end of the bar. He grips the bar with one hand while the other presses down on top of Millie’s hand covering the wound.
He looks into her eyes. “You are about to feel a lot of pain, but you need to be a big girl for me. This is going to stop the bleeding and save you. 3… 2… 1…” His claw rotates the bar and the bandage around her arm tightens. Mark takes deep breaths while the screamsexacerbateworsen.
I’m a little surprised that Mark doesn’t have more commentary over all of this going on. Like if nothing else, you’d think that if Mark noticed he wasn’t fazed by all of this, it’d worry him as to why he’s not being fazed by being next to the bawling child who’s just lost a limb and bleeding everywhere right now. Since it’d imply that he’s seen worse in the past, and enough so that he’s been numbed to an experience that a lot of others would find incredibly disturbing.
Mark: “Oh my god, wh-what did I get myself into?”
“Everything will be ok. You’re safe. We’ll stop the bleeding and return you to your mother. Stay strong! We’ll get you out alive.” He twists a few more times, then places two fingers on the inside of the elbow. There is no pulse. The bleeding slows to a trickle.
Considering how sideways everything has gone already in this chapter. I will believe Millie will survive this when I see her return to Scrap Town and the rest of her walking around in one piece a few days later.
“You’re doing great. We’re going to make it out of here.” Both his hands meet at the end of the arm, keeping the pressure up as blood slows down.
Mark counts to six hundred in his head, adding “one-thousand” for the first hundred numbers. He juggles this while listening to Millie, who speaks between anguished howls.
“It hurts so much. Make it stop. Make it stop!” Her breathing becomes an uneven pant that struggles to take in enough air to scream. Water collects under her red eyes, falling down her wet cheeks.
Mark: “... (How has she not died from shock yet at this rate?)”
Tears form at the edge of Mark’s own eyes. He looks at her again. “Look at me. Breath in… And out…” He breathes along with his instructions to guide Millie.
Millie follows his lead. Her breathing steadies and her body calms. Tears don’t let up but the screams reduce to heavy groans. The blood darkens beneath their palms and only a fresh drop slips under the pressure.
“You’re safe,” Mark says.
Millie: “A-Are you shrink-wrapped?! I’m missing a hand!” >.<
Mark: “... You’re relatively safe?”
New tears break out, streaking down her face. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I don’t deserve any kindness.”
Mark: “Oh god, please tell me I don’t need to play amateur medic and therapist right now.” O_O;
“Millie! You are a strong girl. You did nothing wro-”
“I ran away! Mom has a new child. She’s been acting weird and only pays attention to him so I ran and… and… and… Mom will hate me!” She starts hyperventilating. Her eyes roll.
Wait, to him? Implying this other child isn’t a Kangaskhan?
“Millie!” Mark says. A hand tilts her head to him. Her eyes focus on him. “In… Out… In… Out…”
Mark: “Note to self, never accept another mission dealing with children. And get a nice, stiff drink after all of this to try and forget about as much of everything that happened as I can.”
She takes heavy, wobbly breaths.
“Your mother loves you so much. She misses you more than anything else in the world and wants to see you again. So, you must be strong, so you can see her again and make her happy again. Can you do that for me?”
Mark, can you tempt fate any harder with summoning the reaper right now?
She weakly nods. “Will the pain ever stop?”
“I promise it will stop eventually. We have to wait for the blood to harden, then I’ll put a bandage on it. Then we’ll wait longer, then I can take it off without overwhelming the wound. But you must be brave until then.”
Wait, is that really how field dressing a lost limb in an emergency works? Since I wouldn’t have thought that would work.
She nods and looks away. Her breath is steady between pained groans.
Mark puts the hand back on the wound and continues counting to 600. The blood underneath has become black, squishy but solid, and unsightly. It coagulated. He tilts his head down and tears fall. His grip trembles and a smile stretches across his face.
She’s saved.
Millie: “I’m missing a hand! How on earth is this being saved?!” >.<
Mark: “Look, you’re at least not going to bleed out in five minutes, okay?” >_>;
“What’s wrong?” Millie asks.
“Nothing’s wrong. You’re going to be okay. You can let go now, although you still need to keep your arm held up. I need to treat it. Try not to look at your wrist.”
Cue Millie looking at her wrist and keeling over.
She nods again and does all that. Mark grabs the bandage resting by him and wraps it around the ugly wound, forming two layers. It tints itself in orange.
Mark: “O-Oh thank god, she’s actually following instructions right now.”
“Think you can eat?” he asks. He picks an Oran mushroom up by its stem. He doubts they would have made a difference earlier.
She nods and nibbles the cap. He’s patient as she nibbles more and more until the cap is gone. He throws away the stem which is soiled with blood left on his claws.
Her breathing is now a pant and groans are rare and faint. Mark starts counting to 1200 while a claw stays held down on the bandaged end. The other hand reaches for Millie’s still-existing hand. Time passes as he helps her talk about happier times.
Millie: “Sh-Shouldn’t we be trying to get my hand right now? Th-Those can be surgically reattached, right?”
Mark: “Kid, your hand’s been chewed-up and is probably in a dead Noivern’s stomach right about now. Learn to live with a prosthetic.” >_>;
Layla’s voice rings out. “Millie!?”
“We’re here!” Mark shouts back.
A fiery glow approaches them. Layla comes into view and when she sees the pair, her face widens. “H-Holy fuck!”
IMO, it might make sense to make Layla stammer if she’s meant to be severely taken aback right now.
Layla:
Mark: “Wait, L-Layla? What’s wrong-?” O_O;
- Mark looks down at a still-shuddering Millie minus a hand -
Mark: “... Right, that’s a thing. But, uh… I found Millie, at least?” ^^;
The child’s still breathing heavily. Her arm is caked in dried blood while a puddle of wet blood is pooled between them. Mark’s wounded side, knees, and claws are drenched in red, with spatters of it across his face. A mineral scent is thick in the air. Millie’s head shrinks away from her.
“The Noivern bit off her hand. I didn’t stop her fast enough, but I was able to stop the bleeding.”
[ ]
“How? That’s impossible.”
This would benefit from a paragraph before Layla’s line where she’s full
Mark looks over Millie. “This tourniquet stops the bleeding. I’ll have to unwind it soon though.”
“A tourniquet? What’s that?” Layla gets on one knee and looks into Mark’s eyes. “I don’t know of anybody surviving an amputation before. How do you know how to do this?”
Mark: “I’m… guessing that I saw some stuff when I was a human. Since now that I think about it, it was kinda freaky how I wasn’t all that fazed by a mutilated child bleeding buckets and screaming bloody murder during all of this.”
Layla: “Please tell me that all of that happened after you left the Surface.”
Mark is silent. He just looks at Millie, who is looking over Layla up and down.
“Where’s the Noivern?” Layla asks.
Mark gestures his head towards the Noivern far to his left. “Over there.” She heads off.
Mark: “Layla, she literally fell like 20 meters to the ground and acted as my landing cushion. I’m pretty sure that she’s dead-” ._.;
Layla: “Look, I’ve heard enough stories about not finding the body. I’m going to make sure she’s dead. Especially if she did that to our client!” O_O;
Mark counts to 1200. He grips the tourniquet and unwinds it, cautious not to let too much blood rush in and overwhelm the sealed wound, which is otherwise strong enough to handle some blood flowing again now. Colour gradually returns to the arm. Millie takes sighsofin relief.
“Thank you,” Millie says. “Thank you for everything. Can we see Mom soon?”
“Eventually. That Sneasel will tell us more.”
Mark: “Also, you should probably see a hospital first. Assuming there are any in Scrap Town.”
The tourniquet unwinds entirely and the bandages fall off, revealing a red mark around the arm. They wait for Layla to return, who looks to Mark first. “I can’t feel the Noivern’s pulse. She won’t ever bother us again.”
She looks to Millie next. [ ]
“Hello, Millie! I’m Layla. We’re here to rescue you. We’ll make sure nobody will hurt you!”
Oh, so Mark’s got his first confirmed kill of the story. Though I think that this particular sequence would benefit from showing more of Layla’s actions and the like, e.x. what she’s doing to try and calm Millie down when for all she knows, she’s going to look at the stump where her hand used to be and start to cry again.
Millie: “Yeah, great job there, you two.”
Layla: “... We’ll make sure nobody will hurt you worse?” ^^;
Millie nods and weakly smiles. “When can we see Mom?”
“Well, we’ll have to go to the bottom of this cavern first, as that’s the only way we can get out. Then we’ll go back to Scrap Town and sleep. Tomorrow morning we’ll visit someone who knows where your mother is at and then we’ll head straight to her. So, you won’t see her until tomorrow. Okay?”
Mark: “(Layla, is that wound going to stay uninfected that long?)” O_O;
Layla: “(Look, we don’t have much of a choice right now. Just focus on keeping her calm and not bawling and running around like a beheaded Torchic, alright?)” >_>;
Millie looks down. The smile fades. “Okay.”
Mark: “(She sure is exhibiting a lot of restraint to not look at the stump at where her hand used to be-)”
Layla: “(Ark-May, ix-nay e-thay and-hay alk-tay!)” >.<
Layla gets back up. “Mark, how much time do you need? We ought to get moving before another dungeon Pokemon or Jace arrives. He’ll fight over us for her.”
“I’ll just give her some food then she should be good. I’ll need to carry her. Can you repack my bag?” he asks, before reaching for a food mushroom. He hands it to Millie. “Eat this, you’ll need to regain your strength.”
She takes small bites and sniffs. “Thank you so much for everything.”
“It’s okay. Eat up. You’ll feel better.” He turns to Layla, who is stuffing the strewn goods back into his bag. “We’ll need to stop by some running water on the way back, as soon as we can.”
Millie: “... Shouldn’t you be disinfecting my wound right now?” ._.;
Layla: “Look kid, I’m not a miracle worker here. Just take the food and let’s get going.” >_>;
“Okay. And I’ll carry her, you did enough already.”
Layla: “Uh… speaking of which, you sure you’re going to make the journey back, Mark?”
Mark: “Well, if I can’t, it’s gonna be a really short story, so…” >_>;
Millie eats until the stem remains. She wipes her tears. Mark chucks the garbage.
“She’s ready. Let’s go,” Mark says.
Mark: “(Also, if her mother asks, the Noivern took her hand off before I found her, okay?)” o_o;
Layla: “(Uh… yeah, I’ll back you up there.)” ._.
They gently descend the rest of the way, climbing down stairs built to scaffolding pinned into crystal surfaces, or sloped glassy ground. They no longer precariously balance on narrow ledges. Mark leads, holding both torches while Layla, holding Millie in her arms, trails. She has fallen asleep, resting her head against her arm.
“Hey Mark, sorry I left you behind. I panicked. I’m not used to teamwork stuff like sticking together..”
Mark: “You know, I probably should be more mad about that right now. But I’m a bit more concerned about making it back to town and getting blackout drunk to try and not remember most of the past 24 hours.” >_>;
“It’s okay. I didn’t even think of that. Plus, I made a mistake too. I could have killed the Noivern earlier but my conscience got to me. It’s my fault Millie lost a hand.” He gnashes his teeth. “I thought I was getting better.”
Mark: “And… uh… yeah, let’s keep this between us and not tell anyone else. Least of all Millie’s mother.”
“It took me a while to have guts, don’t feel bad. That being said, next time you fight Pokemon in a Mystery Dungeon, remember they’re not people anymore. Death is mercy for them. Either way, you still saved Millie, so you did amazing. Unbelievable, in fact. How did you know to do all that stuff?”
Mark: “But the Noivern was talking coherently, and-”
Layla: “Mark, she tried to eat a child alive. She was gone enough that she needed to be put out of her misery.” >_>;
“It’s called first aid, but I don’t know why I know it. I lost my memories.”
So Mark was a medic back in the day. And one that’s seen some stuff given that he knew reflexively how to respond to limb loss in the field.
The two are silent from there on out. Floors of scaffolding make way for a long metal staircase reaching into the darkness going down. The far-off colossal crystals around form two walls that narrow. The starry illusion is weaker, like solid rock isn’t far beneath the glassy surfaces.
They step onto brown-grey stone in a wide clearing with tall scaffolding towerspushedlining each side. There’s loot on the floor: mushrooms spring out of the rock in many colours, spores rest, and poke lie around.
Layla walks past all this, reaching the corner of the ravine. Embedded in crystal is a black metal door with a black-screen terminal planted in the ground to the side of it. It has a small, rectangular hole below the screen.
Another paragraph where IMO you should break some stuff up into smaller paragraphs, since you have a lot going on in this one that feels kinda jammed together.
Mark: “... Wait, is that thing functional?” .-.
Layla: “Only one way to find out…”
“I’ll be quick. Hold onto Millie for me,” she says, gently setting Millie on her back. Mark comes up and picks her up, cradling her. Layla reaches the console and drops her bag, digging the flash drive out. “This is it!”
She slides it into the keyhole.
inb4 it does nothing because her USB drive has someone’s family photos or something like that on it and not whatever input the terminal needs.
Alright, onto my final thoughts:
Well that chapter got really brutal really fast, can’t say I was expecting that one. You made a fairly ballsy choice to maim a child character on-screen as a plot device, and I think that it was pulled off decently. I’ll admit it made me feel a bit uncomfortable, but at the same time, I’m not sure if the chapter would’ve worked as well if you’d let Millie off easier. Your setting has been established in the past as being one where things are fairly hard-edged and precarious, and having that crash into the protagonists front and center as a result of their own decision-making is a way of soberly reminding the readers that, and of why Layla wants to get everyone out of their craptacular status quo in the tunnels at the moment.
Tying in with the above, but I thought your chapter had a good sense of tension and unpredictability. Originally I had been writing this review with the intent of doing it in two blocks over two nights. That swiftly went out the window by the midway mark, since you got me invested in seeing how things would turn out, since it genuinely did not feel like it could be taken for granted that everyone would be okay in the end and even now, I’m not fully sure if Team Surface are going to successfully make it back to Scrap Town with their client or not. I also thought you droped in some tantalizing hints about Mark as well, since the chapter heavily implies that he’s seen some stuff in life. Which is probably not a good omen of what the Surface used to be like but I suppose that’s a story for another day and another chapter.
As for criticisms that I have, most of the bones I had to pick could be resolved from additive editing. I noticed there seemed to be a recurring issue of paragraphs that had enough content to be multiple paragraphs lying around, you might want to consider looking those over and seeing if those can be split up at all. I also thought there were a couple moments where I thought more description was needed. Mark and Layla’s reactions and internal thoughts in particular, especially when things were going seriously sideways felt like they were left up to imagination a little too much, which made it hard to get a reading on them and how they were doing at some parts.
As for less “simple fix” criticisms, I kinda felt that some of the characters felt like they “dropped” certain moods a bit too quickly considering their circumstances. Like for example, I was a bit surprised that Millie didn’t need more coaxing and emotional support after getting brought back to Layla by Mark given that the kid just went through an incredibly traumatic event with a lingering wound that probably still hurts that can be seen from a casual turn of her head. It also kinda felt like it left some opportunities to glimpse into the way Team Surface ticks on the table. Like if Layla for instance would be the type to take the idea of seeing a child hurt hard, you’d think that she might be doing things like trying to distract Millie with something like sweets or funny faces, or more cynically, getting her to eat a sleep aid. Similarly, I noticed that Mark mentions that he feels guilty about how his hesitancy with the Noivern cost Millie, but it’s all handled in one paragraph in a single scene. It might have had more oomph if we saw more of that some of that a bit beforehand, such some initial panic at seeing things go south for Millie, flashes of guilt after providing initial treatment, or something like that.
But altogether, I thought that the overall package was put together well, if a bit startling. You mentioned looking forward for a long time as to how I’d feel about this chapter, and I can see why. In many ways, this is the “wake up call” moment for Team Surface in this story, even moreso than Mark’s near-death experience with Bali, in which we see that they’re not going to get cut a break by the universe for being inexperienced, as well as establishing just how bad things can get if they fall short.
I had some mechanical quibbles, but assuming that this chapter was meant to keep readers on the edge of their seat, I think that you accomplished your goals quite well @BestLizard . For a second, I legit thought you were going to kill Millie off, and the chapter definitely sold a “nobody is safe” vibe with brutal efficiency, even if things (somewhat) worked out in the end.
I’ll be looking forward to seeing where this story goes in future chapters, since you’ve thrown the gauntlet down, and now it’s time to see how the characters navigate their treacherous world that is dark and full of terrors on their way back up to brighter skies.
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