Pokémon Hunter, Haunted

[canisaries]

Thank you for the kind words!

Ummmmmm… Red… What the hell made you think putting on a creepy ghost mask of a chick you killed and ate was a good idea?

No really, for someone who seems usually methodical and cautious, this is really a rash move. He’s barely done any research outside of one reading session. Wouldnt a better move be capturing the yamask and pitching the ball into the ocean or something?

So initially I was all "...FUCK" here, but thinking about it more, it actually makes sense in this universe that he didn't try anything with pokéballs because in HHverse pokémon can self-release depending on the ball and their sapience level. Since Joanna is sapient, she can bypass the locking system of even ultra balls, which means balls wouldn't hold her. There is an exploit where a pokéball will not release its contents when it doesn't have enough space to do it, such as when it is inside a container, but there is still an override system that allows it after a long enough time, and Joanna can escape whatever container she's in by phasing through the material. Actually, I'm tempted to just say that ghosts can phase out of pokéballs anyway.

But you make a good point - no one would know all this stuff unless they read Seiren first, which goes into HHverse pokéballs more deeply. I should have a section somewhere where Red mentions pokéballs wouldn't work, and while I'm at it, I should tweak the research scene to have multiple books confirm the strategy he ends up going with, because he definitely shouldn't be so careless as to only take the word of one source when it comes to something he needs to do to cover his tracks.

 

[slamdunkrai]

Heyo! You know the score, here to review chapter three; did a quick re-read of everything before it just to refresh my memory because it's been a while. Glad to say I still enjoyed those opening bits as much as I did earlier, and just as glad to say I thought this chapter was a lot of fun. It progresses the story pretty nicely, I think; it gives us the moment where Red figures out what he has to do and how he has to do it, and before that we get some interesting introspection on his relationship with Abe, his disdain towards psychiatry, and his tendency to try and solve people on first glance — it's a clear, concise way of fleshing him out as a character while the situation around him, as self-inflicted as it is, forces him to take action. I'd assume that in chapter four we'll start to see him go about actually plotting the deed out. I also assume we'll be seeing him try to really prove his credentials as a top predator, a man who is never afraid of anything and must rise to the challenge of being the Bringer. The prose is generally tight and easy to read, too. It is nice to be reminded that, even with the whole murder cultist psychological horror thing going on, this is a very fun story about a guy who suddenly comes face-to-face with his discomfort in his own skin as it manifests in one of the victims of his misdeeds. It's honestly pretty relatable. We all try and talk ourselves out of our regrets like Red is doing here, and I find it doesn't usually work.

Here are some responses to specific excerpts:

Am I sure Celebi didn't just throw me back fifteen seconds?

My pondering of false gods fades quickly as the room comes fully to view.

Very neat way to show Red second-guessing himself.

I wonder what Michi and the yamask are doing right now. Are they talking? Who knows what kind of conversation they're having. Oh, what’s that, my yamask friend? You just remembered how the woman whose face you’re carrying died? Oh, she was murdered in an occult ritual? By that man that was following us earlier? Well, that’s not very nice! We should go and tell the nice men at the police station right away!

Oh Gods, what if that’s actually what’s happening? What if they already told the police? What if they’re coming for me right now?

On reflection, it's fun how Michi embodies Red's fears about childhood in a few ways. At this point in the story she's a kid who happens to have aura powers, a lack of parents, and a tendency to befriend ghosts in the graveyard she hangs out at — her circumstances are pretty abnormal, sure, but there's something childlike about the way she carries herself in chapter two. She's remarkably curious about the world, for a start; as an extension of that she's remarkably forward about her intentions to friend and foe alike, and as her aura powers allow her a preternatural read on people's general vibe and intent before they even say anything (not to mention the general wariness that undoubtedly comes from being an orphan who has to carry a knife in the graveyard where she hangs out), she's fairly quick in sorting people into "friend" and "foe". In contrast, Red is pretty evidently at odds with his own past going off his inner monologue about his relationship to Helix and his efforts to gain some distance from him, he's outwardly somewhat insecure about flunking high school and is completely startled by the inevitable changes in the layout of the library, and he's extremely guarded on account of being a serial killer and all; part of me wants to say that he's fascinated by youth and the beauty of it just as much as he's terrified by how much it entails being knowable in the same way he can't afford to be (and, by extension, how liminal it is; youth is defined by the fact that you're constantly aging out of it, and Red is a guy who loves his creature comforts and seems freaked out by the idea of change!). I thought the quoted excerpt above was neat for that, the way he imagines Michi ratting him out in a sing-song kiddie voice and then immediately becomes mortally afraid of that.

You've killed eight human beings in a slow and painful way. You've drunk their blood and eaten their flesh. And now suddenly killing a spider by hand is off limits because the touch of one is a bit icky?

It's almost like you weren't suitable to be the Bringer after all…

On the other hand, the fact that he's just really afraid of spiders and very mad at himself about this is a very funny bit.

“So you’d consider yourself a mentally healthy person?”

“Yes.” Probably more than most.

need to get myself into a room with this guy for two weeks so I can talk Anti-Oedipus + A Thousand Plateaus with him

Fatal destroys the ghost, ‘banishing’ it from reality, while non-fatal exorcisms are used to simply force a ghost out of a person, object or location without necessarily harming the spirit. They’re also apparently harder to pull off.

Interesting distinction; I'm assuming the ghost just sorta lingers around aimlessly in the case of the latter, then? Kinda curious to hear about the sorts of study that led to these things being widely known... the idea that a ghost can be separated from the body it inhabits without necessarily harming it is also interesting. That feels like ground ripe for exploration; there is something of a tragedy about a spirit that was once an inextricable part of a thing and now suddenly isn't. (I think this is one of those things where my own personal wants get in the way of my ability to look at this objectively: on the one hand I think it's commendable to not try and rationalise something as irrational as ghosts more than is necessary, especially when you have Pokémon logic to handily gesture towards as a vague one-size-fits-all explanation; on the other, there's a part of me that's begging for something that gets more succinctly at the emotional-but-illogical truths and the temporal dislocation inherent to haunting (i.e., a present existence fixated on a future that will never come to be, and by extension a future that can only exist through the lens of what once was) than the physically classifiable and observable elements of spectres presented here. Then again, this is a story about how you can't really remove yamasks from their past and how their present forms still bear their old scars, so I'm assuming that we'll be getting more into what Joanna as a yamask really represents as the story progresses.)

Well, aren't I lucky to be dealing with a first-time ghost, then! Sounds like all I have to do is be quick and cunning, and that's what HE has trained me to be. This'll be a piece of cake.

this is the shit I'm often saying when I am the protagonist of a story (there are over a dozen chapters that happen after I say this)

Hope to get caught up with this sooner rather than later! Hopefully it won't take another two years. Again, I'd forgotten how fun this was. :)

 

[Equitial]

CHAPTER NINE
The Mareep
​

A lot of things happened in this chapter, but something I'm really struck with is how Abe is just really scared and concerned for Red right now. This all must be very sad from Abe's perspective, which of course Red would hate but in another world would be a hope for Red having a support system who truly cares about him. Alas, this is the world with murder.

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, it’s Halloween and given what I remembered of Hunter, Haunted’s vibes from the last time I read it, I figured that it was as good of a reason to jump in with my review before I got run over by NaNoWriMo this month. It’s admittedly been a while since my last review, so I might be a bit rusty on some character details, but…

Chapter 2

Spoiler: Line-by-Line

Smoothly curved bridge of nose, deep-set eyes, everything else. It’s Joanna. That’s Joanna’s face on that mask.

Oh, so Yamask masks aren’t generically shaped in this setting but look like whoever’s soul they’re based around… maybe, can’t tell for sure if that’s the implication or not.

Why? How? Of all possible faces, why hers? She wasn’t anyone special, was she? She was just a regular college student. Kind of an introvert, even. Why would she… matter?

Because the fundamental premise of this story is her giving you problems, Red? :V

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m hallucinating. Or dreaming. Maybe I fell asleep on that bench. Maybe I never got up in the morning to begin with. This feels real, but inside a dream, you can never really tell…

Narrator: “He was not hallucinating.”

The mask is moving. Stay focused. It’s heading for the bushes, curious about the rustle. Its way of moving is strange - gracefully yet uncannily, it bobs slightly as it hovers onward. It moves like a ghost...

Actually, wait, ghost mon being related to this would make a lot of sense. They like to make all sorts of strange and unsettling things happen. This could be one of them - an illusory prank by some gastly or something. But how would that ghost know about Joanna? Her significance to me? Has it read my mind?

Wait, Gastly can do that in this setting? .-.

My heart freezes. Oh Gods, have I already been caught?

Obviously not, since there’s over a dozen chapters after this point. o<o

“Hello?”

Both the ghost and I flinch at the voice. The ghost hides behind a tree of its own. I guess it knows no more than I do.

“Hello?” the voice calls again. A child’s voice. It’s coming from somewhere beyond the trees.

Red: “And of course I need to deal with more annoying little twerps right now.”

Rustling steps follow. At least the speaker’s something organic, then.

“There’s no need to hide,” the child calls. Something appears between the trees in the distance, something brown, pale, pink. Oh, a young girl with earthy clothes and pink hair. As far as I can tell from this far away with all these branches in the way.

She begins to approach us directly. “I know you’re there behind that tree. Just come on out, I wanna help.”

Ah yes, only good things can come from this encounter, I’m sure.

Shit. How does she know? No, wait, she might mean the mask. I have no idea what kind of help she would have to give me, so...

The mask shifts within its hiding spot, unsure whether to reveal itself. Go ahead, please. One of us has to, and it’s not going to be me.

I mean, it could be Red, but I’m pretty sure that would be the last thing that that little girl ever saw, so…

After a few seconds, the mask finally gathers its courage and floats into the open. Once the girl spots it, she stops and smiles.

“Hi,” she says. “You’re new here, aren’t you?”

The mask shyly nods.

“Oh, you can turn yourself visible if you want," the girl says, then pauses. "Do you know how to do that?"

The mask shakes its head.

So Yamask!Joanna is cognizant of human language. I wonder if that’s a general thing among Pokémon in HH’s setting, or if it’s a quirk specific to souls that have reincarnated into ghostmons.

"Oh, well, it's like… you imagine your body turning to stone," she says. "That's how the others say how it works, anyway."

… Wait, how does this girl know that? .-.

The mask freezes. Moments later, something dark forms above it. The air becomes murky and opaque, like thick smoke. It forms into an odd shape - like a head with two arms and a tail gripping the mask. Two eyes like large, maroon plates open at its sides. They leak a substance of the same red hue. As it emerges, it looks like blood… but once it drips away, it evaporates into nothing halfway through its fall to the ground.

I might not know all that much about ghosts, but I'm certain when I say that's one right there.

Oh well that’s a creepy visual. See, I knew I was onto something for making a point to do this review while it was still Halloween.

Well, that’s not good. Whatever this thing is, I can tell it’s not a good idea to let it parade that mask around. Joanna needs to fade away just like all my previous victims - the fewer questions people ask, the safer I am. But a ghost… how am I supposed to get rid of a ghost?

Wait, does Joanna still know how to write in her present condition? Since if so, what keeps her from patiently writing out “I was murdered by this creepy stalker in his basement, he lives on Koratta Row” for someone to read?

The girl chuckles. "This is so cool. I've never met a yamask before."

Yamask. Is that what that thing is? I better remember that, then.

I take it that Red kinda just tuned out all the Pokémon that couldn’t be encountered easily in Kanto given that he has zero knowledge of what a Yamask is. Though I wonder how hard species separation is from region to region in this setting. For instance, would an average Unovan be this similarly out of the loop about what Gastly are?

The girl steps towards the yamask, but it jerks back, becoming a bit translucent.

"No, no, it's okay," says the girl. "I couldn't hurt you even if I wanted to. Anything I tried would go right through."

Ah yes, incorporeality. Time to figure out how the rules of that works in this setting.

The yamask looks down at its mask and grips it harder with its shadowy hands. "Maaaa…" it wails quietly. The voice feels human, but isn't quite there… yet there’s a familiarity to it.

Oh Gods. Don’t tell me this ghost… is Joanna?

Narrator:

Red: “... Note to self, find some way to kill Yamask that’ll keep them dead.”

"Well, I guess that part I could touch… but I won't. I promise not to." The girl slips her hands in the pockets of her hoodie and gives another encouraging smile.

This gives the yamask the courage to approach again. It weaves through some low-hanging branches, its mask catching on the needles a few times.

"So, what's your name?" asks the girl.

Red: “(... Oh you’re kidding me. It can’t seriously also be capable of human speech, can it?)”

The ghost pauses in thought but doesn't respond. Can it even talk to begin with?

"...It's okay, not everyone has one."

Relief. It didn’t say it was Joanna. I don’t think it would have any reason to lie here, so this means it either isn’t Joanna… or doesn’t remember being Joanna. Both work for me, though I still need to make it disappear somehow. Its existence might lead to new evidence surfacing. Or it could start remembering its past life and tell all about it, all about the one that killed her…

Well, that is a convenient save for Red there. And solves the issue of written testimony.

I can’t let that happen.

Ah yes, so Red is going to try and find a way to kill a Yamask for good.

The girl reignites her weakening smile. "My name's Michi. I'm friends with a lot of ghosts around these parts. They told me they'd seen someone new floating about, a yamask. That must be you."

Oh, so Michi can understand Pokémon. Or at least ghostmons. Duly noted.

Though as a small nitpick, but if you’re meaning to do a clipped version of “around”, it’s usually rendered as ‘round in English.

"Maa? Maa, maa..."

“Yeah, that must’ve been Gabby! She’s the one that told me about you. Sorry about her, she can be kind of prickly… but she’s a good girl once you get to know her.”

… This is going to turn out to be another one of Red’s victims, isn’t it?

Wait, those wails have meaning? And she can understand them? I guess this Michi isn't just any ordinary girl.

Well, I guess that confirms that we’re not in a LC-like setting where everyone and their mother can learn how to talk with just about any Pokémon with a bit of understudy.

“M-maa...” mumbles the ghost. [ ]

"Oh, no, you don't have to meet them all right away. Actually, they're used to leaving me alone with any new one for a while so I can make them feel more comfortable."

IMO, you’re missing some sort of reaction from Michi’s part, especially if Red’s meant to be watching this unfold and not just listening into them unseen.

Well, that’s good news for me, I guess. Fewer obstacles in my way to destroy this thing.

He’s going to spend the next twelve chapters trying and failing at doing this, isn’t he?

The girl’s eyes dart in my direction, freezing me mid-breath. Does she see me? Did she hear me? She's not a mind reader, is she?

I mean, with how seamlessly she’s been communicating with Joanna and considering how psychics do tend to be fairly common NPC trainers around gravesite areas in the games…

She glances elsewhere, then returns her gaze to the mask. I let my breath escape my lungs. Guess she didn't notice me after all. At least I hope so. While there's nothing for me to physically fear from a child of… twelve years or so, a witness is a witness. It's always better to stay as low profile as one can. Who knows what crimes might end up being necessary.

Ah yes, so Red is already mentally sharpening the knives to deal with Michi. Wonderful.

"Say…" starts Michi, grasping her arms, "it's pretty cold and windy out here. There's an abandoned cabin nearby I like to hang out at. Do you wanna come?"

The ghost shyly nods - now with its true head instead of the mask.

"Alright, cool! This way."

This girl has no social life outside of her family and the ghostmons she talks to in the woods, doesn’t she? Since this is definitely different from what I remember most 12-year olds liking to do with their free time. ^^;

The two head back the way Michi came. As they get further, I begin to follow, careful not to rustle the vegetation too much. Soon, though, I reach the trail they're walking and thank my luck that it's a winding one. Were it a straight stretch, they'd spot me in an instant.

From the glimpses I see through the slivers between tree trunks and branches, I analyze the girl's appearance further. Hoodie, worn jeans, beanie, fingerless gloves. All shades of gray and brown, starkly contrasted by her chin-length pink hair and bright blue eyes. Her clothing seems shabby at first glance, but a longer look reveals it's still in good condition, only a bit dirty. Likely from all this forest trekking. So she's no princess, but she's no street rattata, either. Just a wild spirit. A bit like me?

>A bit like me?

I sure hope not, Red. Though I’m now reminded of that one Criminal Minds episode with the unsub that turned out to be a middle schooler.

No, nothing like me. She's helping someone, for one. Someone like me would never do that. The difference between us is the difference between a pichu and a houndoom.

… But aren’t Houndoom pack creatures, Red? Not sure if that comparison is saying quite what you want it to there. ^^

Though I suppose it’s a handy insight as to how Red’s mind works in this story given that he’s attempting to self-identify with different creatures that he sees a bit of himself in, even if the read doesn’t necessarily hold up under scrutiny.

“So,” the girl begins after her long silence, “what brought you to these woods? Where did you come from?”

"Aa, maa. Mah, maah, maah…"

"Ah, I see."

inb4 Joanna’s memories aren’t as nuked as it first seemed.

What was it, what did she say? Dammit, why does this thing need to talk in wails only? I know some ghosts can speak human language just fine… but this must not be one of them.

That actually makes me wonder if Pokémon sapience in this setting is independent of their ability to speak in human tongue. Since it’s clearly the case for Joanna here.

I continue to follow the two on their trail. With the ghost's backstory apparently not having much to ask about it - good for me, I suppose - the girl chooses to share her own. I ready myself for mental notes in case anything relevant is revealed, but not much is. She's just some orphan from Viridian that likes to screw around in nature. Used to live closer to these woods but was moved due to her orphanage getting too full. No human friends, but many ghost ones thanks to her rare ability to communicate with them. A bit predictable, honestly. I could've deduced this myself.

No… you seemed to be putting a lot of this together right here and now, Red. Though I suppose that’d explain why Michi gives off vibes of not having much of a social life, and her thing for being around morbid entities related to death.

“Anyway," Michi continues, "I come back here a lot and stay at the cabin if the nights are warm enough. My friends would probably understand if I didn't come here anymore, but I couldn't leave them. They’re kinda like orphans in their own way… no parents, lonely and scared, people usually don't want much to do with them…”

I mean, I didn’t think of things like that, but…

“M-ma…?”

“Oh, no, sorry, I mean… you're gonna be fine, that's what we're here for.”

“Ma…”

The two fall silent. It makes my steps seem louder again. I try my best to sync them up with the girl's, but it proves more difficult than expected due to her being a whole head shorter than me.

Yeah, Red’s totally going to get spotted before this chapter is over.

The branches seem sparser up ahead. Are we headed to a clearing?

"Okay, we're here," announces the girl. Oh, good.

I creep along the next stretch, keeping myself out of sight, and then stop. I can see the opening from here while the razz bushes still keep me hidden. A perfect spot for stalking.

Well that’s creepy how Red is mentally noting “you know, this is great terrain for sneaking up on an ambush”, but I suppose it’s definitely putting those predator motifs he self-identifies with to good use.

Stalking a little girl. Doesn't sound very good when I put it like that, does it.

Gee, ya think, Red?

Nevertheless, the girl and the ghost make their way through the opening to the cabin near its edge. It's clear the shack's been long abandoned by its legal owners - its red paint is peeling off, and splotches of mint green lichen cover some of the exposed planks. Dust and smudges coat the back window and surely any other windows as well. I'm rather surprised the glass is intact. If time doesn't get those, primeape-brained teens usually do.

I’m guessing the local ghostmon infestation helps a bit with keeping those primeape-brained teens at bay.

Michi leads the ghost into the cabin and closes the door. Keeping myself out of the window’s view, I sneak to the side of the building. This should be a safe enough spot to eavesdrop.

“Yeah, as I said, it’s not much,” says Michi, stretching. “Still, it’s cozy when you get used to it. Those blankets in the corner help.”

“...Mma?”

Actually, wait. Is Red still watching these two through the window right now? If not, would he really be able to perceive that Michi is stretching?

If so, it might make sense to take a sentence or so to say that a bit more explicitly.

“I -- well, places. People throw old stuff out. Even though it’s good. Like this cabin. Whoever lived in it left it long ago, but I still think it’s neat.”

Resourceful, this girl. Clearly she’s more capable than most of her snot-nosed peers - and even a good amount of adults.

Ah yes, a sign that she would be a bit harder to knock off than one might think at first.

“This mirror, too”, she continues. “Just because it’s cracked doesn’t mean it’s worthless. You can still see yourself just fine.”

“Haah...”

“...Do you know her?”

I lean forward.

Wait, is the mirror thing meant to be overheard or is Red seeing this in part? It might make sense to reiterate if he’s hearing without seeing the two or if he’s catching any glimpses.

“...Maa.”

“Oh... well, maybe with time.”

Time… time is of the essence, then, if the ghost’s supposed to remember something Joanna-related.

Wait, at what point did Red connect that Joanna was attempting to recall memories about herself? Since I actually didn’t pick up on that thus far. It might make sense to show the wheels spinning in Red’s head a bit more that leads him to this destination.

“Anyway, I’m gonna go gather some firewood. I’m gonna be back soon, just stay here. And make yourself at home.”

The front door creaks open. I crouch. Do I need to sneak past the back window? Will the ghost spot me if I try? Wait, wait, the girl is going the other way. Return to the side wall, calmly, calmly…

Michi’s footsteps head to the start of another path leaving the opening and fade there. Seconds later, I dare to peek around the corner. No sign of her. I can let myself think.

Now I’ve got the opening refrain from the Master Quest season’s theme song stuck in my head. I would guess Red likely does too at this moment. ^^;

Alright. What should I do next? I want to know more about this ghost and this yamask species, and the girl clearly knows things… but just waiting to pick up information from casual conversation feels rather slow. Not to mention I can only understand one side.

Red, have you ever considered that it’d likely be less damaging to write Joanna off, since encountering her again is likely a risk for stirring her memories in and of itself?

This girl, though, must have learned what she knows from somewhere else, and most likely that’s a source accessible to everyone. Books. Or the internet… but that’s something I decided to never bother with again after the disastrous consequences of last time. I grit my teeth. Why couldn’t that trauma have just eroded away with time? It’s been six years…

Okay, now I’m morbidly curious as to what on earth happened with Red and his stint on the internet.

The library it is, then. Not only will I learn more about this species, I’ll likely find out how to kill it, too - and that’s something I can’t expect the girl to explain.

… Wait, they have books about ghost-killing available for mass circulation in this world? .-.

But… ugh, I still have these groceries to deal with, don’t I. I need to go home first. But then again, I’d have to go there anyway to get some supplies for keeping the girl out of my hair. Spores and duct tape come to mind. Yes, a visit home is imperative.

Ah yes, Red’s thought process is going places already.

I sneak back the way I came and adopt a more casual gait as I reach the forest path. Skulking would only make me more suspicious. From now on, I’m just somebody out for a walk. Enjoying nature.

He’s humming Duran Duran to himself during all of this, isn’t he? :V

And why wouldn’t I? Now that I don’t have a target to tail, I can take in the little wonders in my surroundings. Tiny white buds line the edge of the path - rawstberry plants that have yet to properly bloom. Above them sway branches of shrubs and evergreen trees alike, casting shadows in chaotic patterns. Between them hang stray strings of spiderweb… okay, that's not so nice, not a fan of spiders… but dry leaves and needles crunch beneath my sneakers, their blanket broken up by the occasional root slithering across the path. Outside the path, I can spot mounds of moss on the forest floor. They look soft enough to lie down on. Ah, nature… I’m glad there’s at least something that can cheer me up on these gloomy days --

“Stop where you are.”

Well, it was a nice walk through the woods right now.

...Hm.

It appears the girl has spotted me.

Ah yes, time to see just how sideways things go right about now.

I turn around. It’s Michi, alright. I guess she repaid my sneaking by walking silently herself.

Red: “(Guess she was more like me than I thought.)” >.<

“Who are you, and what do you want?” she demands with an icy stare.

“I’m just passing by,” I say and continue walking - but she follows me.

“No, you’re not,” she says. “You were following us.”

Red: “... (She saw that?! How?!)”

How did she know? Did I not hide myself well enough? No, play it cool. She might be bluffing.

Narrator: “She is not bluffing.”

I keep my expression neutral. “You must be mistaken.”

“Your aura didn’t lie.”

Oh. Well that would explain how she understands those ghostmons so well. So she’s basically Rui, but younger.

"Aura?" She has aura powers, too?

She nods. "I can sense them. And yours was behind us the whole time. I thought that maybe some ursa had a thorn stuck in its paw… but clearly you're not here to ask for help. So what is it that you want?"

Huh, so even Michi picks up ‘predator’ vibes from Red. Though the choice of a Teddiursa/Ursaring is an interesting reflexive association.

I suppose her aura sense can't read minds if she has to ask. Hopefully that means I can still lie.

Sure hope that you’re a convincing liar there, Red. Since I’ll heavily take the over on Michi seeing through you if you’re not.

"Well, there was a yamask," I say. "You don't see those everyday. I was just curious."

"There's more to it than that. I can tell."

Yeah, I knew it.

I stop and narrow my eyes. She's persistent. "Shouldn't you be at school or something?"

"Shouldn't you?"

Ouch. She's got me there.

Wait, wait, wait. How old is Red right now? Since I was under the impression that he was meant to be college-aged for this story.

She steps closer, still confident. "Just cut the shit and tell me what you're after."

Well that’s unexpected coming from a 12-year old. Or I suppose not considering what I remember of some 12-year olds, but definitely a sign that Michi is a bit less innocent than initially presumed.

"Language," I mutter.

"You're not my mom."

"Yeah. I'm alive."

Her face flushes up. I smirk. Now we're even.

Wow, Red. Just wow.

"Fine," she grumbles, "be like that, then. But I better not see you around here anymore."

I snort. "Or what? What's a little girl gonna do to me?"

She reaches into her pocket and pulls out something plastic --

Click! A blade springs out. Thin, sharp. That would hurt. That would hurt to get stabbed with. She's going to stab me if I get any closer. No, I don't want to get stabbed –

Okay, yeah. Michi is definitely a lot less innocent than she initially seems. Though I’m surprised that Red wasn’t carrying a knife of his own that he reflexively went for right now.

Wait. Wait. Something's off. She's just a kid. And that knife is pretty small. She probably wouldn't even dare to actually use it. Why did I get so startled?

...I get it. Aura. She must have tried to influence mine, pushing for a fight or flight response to make her little weapon seem more intimidating.

… She can do that? .-.

Though I suppose that’s why Red didn’t go for his own weapon right then and there.

Well, unfortunately for her, my lord has shown me things much more terrifying, and I've returned to serve HIM each time. I'm not about to back away from a toddler wielding cutlery. Especially not when I have a blade of my own.

Well, she's in for a shock, then. Predator's pride burning in my chest, I reach for my…

Wait.

Oh, so Red did have a weapon on him all this time.

Think about what you're doing. If you take out your knife, she'll see what you're capable of, physically and mentally. Faced with that danger, she might decide to gather some of her friends for security or even take the new ghost somewhere else. And then it'll be a lot harder, if not impossible, for you to get rid of the ghost.

You need to yield. You need to falter. You need to give her the illusion that you're just another mareep. Hide your fangs.

inb4 Michi can sense that Red is sizing her up right now and attempting to put up a front.

I douse my heart with freezing humility and step back. "Whatever," I mutter.

Just before I turn around, I can see triumph in her eyes. It's a triumph for me as well, even if this shame makes me shudder. But I'll get to show my true colors yet.

This paragraph IMO works a bit better cut up into pieces, though I’m honestly surprised that Red’s gambit pulled off. Makes me wonder if Michi wasn’t the first Aura-sensitive that he’s run into.

I resume my journey back to the graveyard. A few seconds in, a glance over my shoulder confirms Michi has gone her own way as well.

Aura powers, huh. Those could be a problem… were I not a Helixian. I'm rather sure that the psychic nullification seal will make me invisible to that sense of hers, and if not, there'll be some other seal for it. Once I get home, I can read up on the specifics. May as well look for anything on ghosts, too, while I'm at it. I'll gladly make use of any knowledge HE gifts me. Or HIS texts, to be more exact. I shouldn't bother HIM in vain. And I don't want HIM to see me with that… task unfinished.

Boy, that Lord Helix has a convenient spell for just about everything, huh?

I'll just settle this on my own. After all, it's just one ghost. With good luck, it'll be dead by tonight, and that girl will have no memory of it.

<><><>

Soon enough, I return home. Having unpacked the groceries, I pay my hidden room a visit and check the Helixian texts - psychic nullification works against aura as far as I can understand the description, yes… but there are no instructions on dealing with ghosts that I could easily read with my level of linguistic knowledge. Maybe I could decipher the pages given a day or two, but it's more likely I'll get what I'm after faster and more accurately from the library.

There’s enough of a jump of time and place in this paragraph that I wonder if it’d have worked a bit better with a hard scene cut instead of continuing on without a break.

After carving the psychic nullifier into my wrist and patching up the wounds, I copy the memory-eraser's pattern to my notebook to make sure I don't get it wrong. Then I gather the supplies I think I'll need in my backpack… vial of spores, rag, duct tape, scissors, naturally the notebook… anything else?

I can tell that Red’s got some scars on him once you roll up those sleeves of his.

I don't think there's anything else. I should be ready to go. I should hurry up, too - these things ended up taking longer than I initially expected. The clock of the kitchen’s microwave tells me it’s ten to three already.

Ten… to… three.

Shit.

Red: “... Wait a minute, why’s this a problem again?”

The front door opens, and in steps Abe.

“Red! Are you ready to go?”

Red: “... Right. That’s why this is a problem.

Alright, a bit of a shorter chapter this time, but altogether, I thought that it was put together quite well. The prose is pretty smooth, and it does a pretty good job at getting the reader into Red’s head as it marches along to the beat of its own murderous drum in service of HIM. It’s definitely a very unconventional interpretation of the character, but it owns the dynamic well and makes it work well enough. Some of the worldbuilding was pretty fun to see get teased at in this chapter, and it makes me wonder how much more of it will come out later down the pipe (unless that was what the planned library visit was for). Something to look forward to, I guess.

I don’t have too much to complain about with this chapter. There were a couple spots where I felt like things could’ve been described a bit more or a bit more context provided, and I feel like the tail end where Red returns home could’ve easily worked as a standalone scene, but I… honestly didn’t see a lot of issues prose-wise. The one thing that I do wish had been played up a bit more is delving a bit more on HIM and the significance of the TPP elements for Red given that it’s a huge part of his motivations and presumably his rationalizations for which murders are acceptable and which ones need to be left alone, but even without it, the chapter still held up enough to be followed fine.

Well, I officially feel vindicated in making a point in reading this story on Halloween. Since the vibe was just as

as I was expecting, and it gelled decently well with the holiday atmosphere. Hope that the feedback helped you out a bit, @canisaries , and best of luck with your continued writings.

 

[canisaries]

Thanks for the review!

Wait, Gastly can do that in this setting? .-.

Gastly are able to create illusions in the anime, like in the episode with the infamous mongoose and Venustoise.

That actually makes me wonder if Pokémon sapience in this setting is independent of their ability to speak in human tongue. Since it’s clearly the case for Joanna here.

Since I don't think it's addressed in the story: sapience is required to speak human languages (unless you're just parroting words), but there are many species which cannot speak despite being sapient. Yamask is one of them.

Actually, wait. Is Red still watching these two through the window right now? If not, would he really be able to perceive that Michi is stretching?

The stretching is audible from her voice, but you're right in that it could be more explicitly stated.

He’s humming Duran Duran to himself during all of this, isn’t he? :V

Well, Hungry Like The Wolf is the Hunter, Haunted song.

Wait, wait, wait. How old is Red right now? Since I was under the impression that he was meant to be college-aged for this story.

Red is 18 and should still be in high school (if he hadn't dropped out), but I admit that he's kind of on the edge.

 

[SparklingEspeon]

Hello, here for catnip! …And it is belated, but I have written A Long Jumbled One so hopefully it balances out

Because I’ve already read to the end of Hunter Haunted, this review will be for the remaining five chapters, from 10 – 14.

The first thing I have to say is, wow! Not sure if I said it before, but you really do write a good thriller tbh. I haven’t seen American psycho, but know you cite it as an inspiration, and the vibes from what I know bleed into here well – you do a great job of painting Red as someone no-one is going to take the side of or consider a good person, but somehow we all end up rooting for him out of morbid fascination. Which is a really stunning achievement; it was kind of trippy watching this guy just dig his hole deeper and deeper and somehow not being able to look away out of sheer fascination. I think the visceral writing helps a lot in this regard; you take full advantage of first-person POV and really lean into his mindspace as much and as vividly as you can. It offers a platform for Red’s feelings and experiences to be very vividly related to us, but at the same time we understand that he’s very much the villain in this scenario, so it reads a bit more like a paradoxical villain study than the journey of a legitimate hero, which I think lends this fic a lot of the tone here.

I also liked the playing around you do with the line between Red’s insanity and what’s genuinely real. Obviously the spiders are a product of his imagination, and I’m guessing a lot of stuff with regards to The Beast is probably at least partly in his head (the beast seeming to represent what Red aspires to be, which is innate and overwhelming power but also a savage animal), even if the Beast itself is a Helix manifestation. I think iirc you might have said the stuff with HELIX is real?

This gets a lot more trippy when Joanna gets into the picture, and we see that she’s probably been messing with Red’s head for a good amount of the fic. The hallucinations take centre stage for her part, and you do a really good job of passing Red’s uncertainty onto the reader. I loved the thriller elements that naturally arose out of the cold and calculated way he handled everything, while at the same time having no idea what was going to happen next or if what he was seeing was even real. The Samson hostage situation was peak writing, as was the bit with Vivarium (Vivarium legit gaslit me tbh). It also showcases just how chilling Red can be, from the way he takes advantage of Samson to what his inner monologue says when he’s manipulating his brother in the hospital.

I will say on that note, one of my criticisms is that we kind of don’t really get a clear picture of what’s going on with HELIX? I think this fic sort of spawned out of the twitch plays pokemon biosphere, so I assume there’s probably supporting context there that the reader is assumed to know to some extent, but idk if it’s made its way into the fic as much. The basics have always been clear; Red is trying to resurrect his dark lord by murdering and eating people and also fulfil his cannibal power fantasy fetish, and to become the vessel he needs to free himself of all human emotions, which he can’t do because anger and hate and fear are also emotions and as he rids himself of the other side of the scale he’s more and more beholden to them; but it is definitely interesting sort of contrasting what gets said about Helix/The Twitch in the discord and how comparatively fuzzy the big picture is here. I will say in particular I’m kind of confused at why HELIX is somehow tied to this random-ass Omanyte that doesn’t actually seem to be Him? (or maybe this was explained in an earlier chapter and it’s been so long I forgot) And fwiw I don’t think it necessarily needs to be in there? It’s a story about Red first and foremost, and if a loredump doesn’t have a place there then it shouldn’t need to be present. Those things mostly just occur to me as things that could be interesting to learn more about – I definitely want to know a bit more about HELIX, or what the Twitch is and why Red is so traumatised by it that he can’t even bring it up in his head.

After Red gets arrested, he’s taken to have an exorcism performed on him and largely gets a lucky break after that – he’ll be in court, but it seems like he can mostly waive responsibility by claiming Joanna made him do all those things. I do have to say that your commitment to preserving real life processes and details in your works is really commendable – your work has a grounded and unique tone because of that, and it shines through really well here.

On the overall scale, I do sort of feel like this is a story less about Red trying to cover up a former murder, and more about the paradox of Red’s futility. He believes he’s all powerful or at least destined to be, he’s going to be the eternal vessel of The Dark Lord, he’s so much better than those dumb sheeple mareep and just to prove it he actually slaughters and eats them like sheep. But when push comes to shove, he’s… not really in control of anything? He gets dragged to therapy and can’t do anything about it; he entertains fantasies of mass killings but mostly scuttles around people who consider him a creepy weirdo; he overwhelms Michi and Samson, humans weaker than him, with his physical strength, but can’t do anything against pokemon like Machamp or Arcanine. Even in his mind he’s not in control; he professes mental strength and dominance, but more and more he can’t seem to differentiate between what’s real and what’s not, and even he can tell it’s not 100% Joanna’s doing. He’s great at being a run-of-the-mill serial killer, but he’s failing in the one thing he professes to care about – becoming HELIX’s vessel. I think there’s a distinct irony in how the more he tries to sever himself from positive emotions in his quest to become emotionless, the more Red becomes beholden to emotion. He’s paranoid, filled with rage, he takes glee and delight in his actions often, he expresses contempt and hate for those around him, and nearly all of his actions are based in fear. You could also stretch it I guess and say that his ultimate fear is dying, and he thinks the remedy to that is becoming HELIX’s body (which is an extremely animal and irrational fear, as I assume HELIX would not leave much room for Red in there), but well, HELIX had a body and now he doesn’t, so even if Red accomplishes his ‘ultimate purpose’ he’s likely to ultimately fail in that too. I think it’s a fitting end for him to sort of admit that and allow those emotions back into his life again – he’s stopped struggling against what is an inevitable part of being human, even though he spurns being human, and in the process is at least letting some people back into his life a little bit.

Overall, I thought this was a really good fic! You have put an extreme amount of polish and effort into your work, and it shows – tbh I think this is a lot better than what gets put on most public shelves, and if/when you take it original (as you were talking about iirc) I would expect it to do really well. Super interested to look at the sequel and some of the side content too, you’ve set up a really compelling premise and I want to see where else you’ll take it.

Good read, and good luck with your future writing endeavours!

~SparklingEspeon

 

[canisaries]

Ohhh my goddd I'm so happy reading your comments 😊😊😊 Thank you so much for the kind words!

I will say on that note, one of my criticisms is that we kind of don’t really get a clear picture of what’s going on with HELIX? I think this fic sort of spawned out of the twitch plays pokemon biosphere, so I assume there’s probably supporting context there that the reader is assumed to know to some extent, but idk if it’s made its way into the fic as much. The basics have always been clear; Red is trying to resurrect his dark lord by murdering and eating people and also fulfil his cannibal power fantasy fetish, and to become the vessel he needs to free himself of all human emotions, which he can’t do because anger and hate and fear are also emotions and as he rids himself of the other side of the scale he’s more and more beholden to them; but it is definitely interesting sort of contrasting what gets said about Helix/The Twitch in the discord and how comparatively fuzzy the big picture is here. I will say in particular I’m kind of confused at why HELIX is somehow tied to this random-ass Omanyte that doesn’t actually seem to be Him? (or maybe this was explained in an earlier chapter and it’s been so long I forgot) And fwiw I don’t think it necessarily needs to be in there? It’s a story about Red first and foremost, and if a loredump doesn’t have a place there then it shouldn’t need to be present. Those things mostly just occur to me as things that could be interesting to learn more about – I definitely want to know a bit more about HELIX, or what the Twitch is and why Red is so traumatised by it that he can’t even bring it up in his head.

Yeah, the whole HELIX thing is admittedly a mess. Little Helix being tied to HELIX is basically 100% just because of the fic's origins in TPP, which is why Little Helix isn't even going to be a character in the originalized version - I'm just going to replace Him with a cat that Red is fond of so that there's still something to fill the role of an entity that Red can't sever his attachment to. (Technically, there is something in The Bringer where Little Helix being tied to HELIX matters, but it won't break the story not to have it there with the cat.)

I will be honest and say that the whole Twitch thing will only continue to be swept under the rug in the sequel, as that's another thing that will be completely gone from the originalized version. The Twitch is, however, addressed more in Seiren, the story before HH, if you're interested... although there's also a chance that I'll make it noncanon at some point due to its generally wackier plot. At the moment, though, it's still canon as its events have been referenced in HH and The Bringer.

Thank you so much for reading through the whole thing, and thank you again for the review!

 

[slamdunkrai]

Heyo, here for chapter four! This one moves the plot along well; it reaffirms Red as a direct threat in Michi's life and sees him catch back up with Joanna to complete his plan. And he completed it! There are no chapters in the story after this one. Great work, Red!

On a broader level, being made a ghost is an ontological issue; ghost stories are predisposed towards exploring a loss of control over the type of personhood you possess and how other beings you relate to you. Being the murderer in a ghost story means you are involved in those issues; when faced with the ghost you have made, you are faced with your failure to eradicate someone from having ever existed at all, and in turn the narrative you've forged out of the act (as well as your role in it) is suddenly exposed as insufficient. You killed someone, after all; you were the wholly justified vanquisher, the bringer of conclusion and the person with one less problem now — and suddenly you're not sure what type of character you are in this narrative, you're not sure how much of a say you get over that, and in turn even the act of exerting your will upon the world takes up a whole new meaning; you're left trying to retroactively make sure your explanations while also, if you're Red, making steps to try and regain that control however you can. This is a long way of saying that this is the sort of set-up that makes this kind of story ripe for excellent psychological drama.

Red tries to answer all of these questions in this chapter in a really fascinating way: obviously, he views his actions through his Helixian lens and has always maintained that Joanna was a sacrifice to Helix, but he cannot scratch under the surface because he does not seem to believe he possesses an authentic self beneath all of that. He is a really, really fucking boring person, and I think the fic is so readable in large part because of this. It's a double-edged sword because, as I come back to this fic each time and allow myself to sit with it, I always get the sense that the first-person perspective could delve deeper into his personhood; a lot of the fic is written via Red responding to insights without ever really seeming to grapple with or even register their significance — he grapples with the bug at the therapist's office and the pidgey here, he asks himself what to do about them, he reiterates his plans to himself and attempts to factor them into those plans, and yet delving beneath the prose I am not convinced he registers these things even exist sometimes when he's not directly thinking about them. He shifts between his metaphorical state of being a lot, describing himself as a playwright or a performer or someone watching a performance or a genuine predator at his core seemingly on a whim, because I don't think he knows who he is as his own person. Which, like, yeah, being a religious cultist will erode your sense of identity like that! Similarly, he confuses a pidgey for Michi just on the back of his own state of mind and one or two tangential details, and I think this paranoia is equally able to be traced to his inability to perceive anything at all beyond his own obsessions.

I think this is a bit of a double-edged sword in terms of my enjoyment of the story, because on the one hand while it gives the prose a genuinely interesting effect — when you delve beneath the surface of his inner monologue, there is nothing but vapid insight and uncertainty, and that says a lot about his character — and at the same time there are moments where I feel like an exploration of this absence of personhood gets shied away from a little for stuff that I don't personally find as interesting, e.g. the moment where he puts on Joanna's mask and seems mostly interested in how comfortable it is to wear or his ruminations on his ability to break a pidgey's bones. (If anything, though I think the depictions of gore here and the reflections on his relationship with the violence he could commit as well as that which he does are well-written, I think they're a little disproportionate in terms of the chapter as a whole; yes, he's got this juvenile fascination with blood and guts and the thin line between a person's innards and their exterior, but at parts these feel like re-runs of the way these themes were handled in the story's opening without iterating on them in ways that interact with the increasing amount of information we get about Red.)

That being said: I thought this chapter was still very good on the whole. The way he captures Michi and seems to get so thoroughly antagonised by some kid is funny, just as is the comically over-the-top way he thinks to handle this situation; it's almost a comedy of errors here, and I imagine there'll be punchlines by the dozen when it turns out that he actually didn't manage to perma-kill Joanna or his mask haunts him or something (or, you know, he just isn't really dealing with the threat posed by Michi in a way that achieves anything.) There is also enough intrigue in the way you write pokémon as legitimate creatures who interact with (and in some cases are even members of) society in their own different ways, and who have their own inner worlds, to ensure there's always something to learn about the world this fic depicts whenever one of them shows up.

Great work, as ever! I promise I will actually finish this one one of these days. Maybe during Blitz, if I can find the time for it; it's high up on my list of priorities as far as TR-fic goes in any case.

Line-by-lines:

Spoiler: Line-by-lines

Possibly even snap one of its hollow, delicate bones whose light frame allow it its flight.

Everything past "bones" feels extraneous for me in a way I can't justify even with the whole "this guy is obsessed with his own intelligence because there is a void where his personality is" angle

“You’re not very bright, are you.”

Well, neither are you, if you know who you’re dealing with...

Not sure about that second line -- making it a conditional "if" statement doesn't seem to work imo

Oh, her useless struggle is so amusingly pathetic.

His vapidity and delusions of grandeur are really well-reflected by how purple this prose is, which is a good stylistic flourish

Because I like being an asshole, I lean even closer, right next to her ear. Nose to her temple, I take a deep sniff. She growls.

I chuckle, withdrawing. “I’m just kidding! I’m not that weird.”

Again, I do not think this guy knows who he is

Excitement, drama! This is what I’ve been missing.

Ties into my point on the thing about how he fluctuates between viewing this as performative and... not; I can't tell where he stands on how much of this is a role for him and that's a good thing

There should only be one life. I only have one life. No one else deserves more.
[...]
She knows I’m killing her. I am ending her.

This is incredibly dull which is, again, good; he is unable to place any greater significance onto the action this chapter has been leading towards, instead describing the climactic bloody action in obvious matter-of-fact statements that seem deep but are in fact entirely obvious, and it reflects his inability to produce anything of interest in the moment in his own right. It's one of the rare moments thus far where I've found his affect genuinely unnerving instead of funny

 

[windskull]

Hi Canis, I’m here to fufil my catnip. I’m only going to cover the prologue today, but I went ahead and read both.

The intended prologue is probably honestly just below my personal gore tolerance, so please note that it could color some of my thoughts on it. That said, after reading both I think it is the one people should read if they’re able, because it does such a great job of setting tone and expectations. I think the opening, where we only get short disjointed thoughts (presumably because Red is still coming to and getting his bearings after his suspected possession), is really strong. Then you have the shifts between his excitement over his successful ritual, and the almost… clinical(?) and nonchalant description of the viscera around him. It all paints a picture of a fairly erratic personality.

This prologue also does a great job of building up to the name drop. You have this focus on the corpse and how he desecrated it, but he doesn't even remember her name until right at the end. Overall this version of the prologue sets a nice chilling tone that I think sets the stage for the story better.

That's not to say that the alternate prologue is bad. I actually like it quite a bit as well. It has some really useful information that shows some of the reasons why Red has never been caught. Most notably, there's nothing left of the bodies, save for his trophies.

It also sets Red up as the funniest motherfucker around, NGL. The fact that he just starts internally monologuing about how great HE is, and how he’s been chosen by HIM and how great that is? Absolutely hilarious. We see some of his personality in the main prologue, but it absolutely shines here.

Like I said though, I do think this is the weaker of the two prologues. The buildup isn't as strong, and it kind of makes the whole “ritualistic murder” thing feel detached. But it's the alternate prologue for a reason, so I'm not really faulting that. Just making an observation.

My only other critique is a nitpick, really.

A gentle breeze blows through the streets of the neighborhood.

The trees and bushes sway gently in this wind, showing off their emerging leaves or the needles that braved through the winter.

Personally, the second sentence feels just a bit awkwardly worded. I think the main issue is the use of “this wind” when I think “the wind” would work better.

Outside of that, I don't really have any complaints. I'm not deep enough into HH at this point to judge whether it's a type of story I'd enjoy, but I'd definitely be open to reading more of it in the future. The prologue solidly sets the scene and makes me want to know how things go downhill for Red from here.

That said, I think I've covered what I wanted to cover. So I'll end the review here. Until next time.

 

[ShiniGojira]

Alright, I'm here for your catnip! Hope you have a splendid day and here's the review!

So I've read both of the prologues and I have to say that the first one was certainly... dark. Like I had some expectations for what I was about to read but I was certainly not expecting it to be like that.

 I'm not normally a fan of gore or at least incredibly detailed gore, frankly I would rather avoid things that sounded like it'd be nothing but gore porn as I would rather have it be something that serves the plot but I digress. Anyway, onto the actual fic, there were a couple I really liked about the first prologue and one of them was the way Red describes the gore, it really feels poetic and highlights how he thinks and what kind of a person he is in how he describes the corpse. The ideas do make me intrigued in how the story will play out.

For the second prologue, I'll be honest. I know it's not mandatory to reach both of them but the tone switch between the two was so vastly different, it almost gave me whiplash. The first prologue felt more like the tone that the story was going for and it really sets me up for how the rest of the story will follow through but then I read the second and it felt really weird since I was expecting more dark and grounded and less... teenager superhero-ish fic? I don't really know how to describe it other than the beginning felt odd as it feels like it's trying to use a tone that doesn't feel right. Don't get me wrong though, it is good on its own but I think I prefer the 1st prologue over the second since the 1st style and tone are a lot more immersive for this kind of story.

Anyway, that should be it for now. Maybe I'll get to actually reading the 1st chapter someday. I really did enjoy the prologues so tah-tah!

 

[canisaries]

Thanks for the review!

For the second prologue, I'll be honest. I know it's not mandatory to reach both of them but the tone switch between the two was so vastly different, it almost gave me whiplash. The first prologue felt more like the tone that the story was going for and it really sets me up for how the rest of the story will follow through but then I read the second and it felt really weird since I was expecting more dark and grounded and less... teenager superhero-ish fic? I don't really know how to describe it other than the beginning felt odd as it feels like it's trying to use a tone that doesn't feel right. Don't get me wrong though, it is good on its own but I think I prefer the 1st prologue over the second since the 1st style and tone are a lot more immersive for this kind of story.

Well, the fact is that the second prologue is not actually far from the rest of the story in style. Both prologues show elements that are present in successive chapters - the first shows how Red is when he's deep into his whole Helixian priest persona, and the second shows him how he acts in mundane situations. The first prologue should be read right before the first chapter so that the reader sees how disconnected the person Red thinks he is from the person he actually is - not a badass bringer of death, but rather just a depressed high school dropout. The gore also primes the reader for what's to come - it kind of informs people of what they're signing up for so that no one gets blindsided by when things get gory again later on. It also does establish Red's character, as you mentioned.

 

[tomatorade]

Here for catnip. Only managed the prologue and first chapter for today, unfortunately. (And I read the second prologue, for the record).

Red, the completely normal, functional human being. He wears hoodie, though so he's just like me fr.

Ah, the rare first person pokemon story. Luckily I'm not one opposed to first person so long as the person who is first is interesting. And Red is definitely one of those. He has all the components to create this weird morbid fascination right from the prologue--his religion, his disconnect from humanity, the way he coasts through life strangely and seems very sure of his own importance to this grand scheme. It's all very riveting, definitely a good choice for first person. Anything sorta outside the usual is what I like, so this managed to hook me very quickly.

He gives me real American Psycho vibes. Mostly the inner narrative contrasted with mundane scenes of people doing their thing and the audience sitting uncomfortably in the corner knowing what this weirdo is thinking about everyone around them. It's a trainwreck in slow motion, if you will. Though he's surprisingly more self aware than Patrick Bateman, he knows very weel what is seen as wrong or right in the world and puts in way more effort to appear as a normal human being. I especially enjoy the extreme detail he puts into thinking about the most fucked up things. Going to the grocery store is described in an almost utilitarian way, but the moment he imagines murdering everyone he breaks out some lovely prose lol.

My first non-Red related questions are about the general state of the world. We haven't seen many pokemon yet, but I'm starting to hear some distinctions already. Though I suppose that's not that unusual for pokemon fic. What does catch my eye is the real dissapearance of the body. I came into the end of the prologue kinda convinced nothing would happen. Red would make his summoning circle and then just kind... bury the body, I guess. Anyway, that didn't happen lol. Magic is real I guess? Maybe Red is right about the world? Am I being converted?

Lots to think about there. It's also very possible this is a delusion of some sort--I did see 'psychological horror' as a descriptor in the author's note, after all, but I would love to believe in our fossilised overlords.

Speaking of, I love his relationship to the little tentacle baby. Tsundere Red refuses to acknowledge he cares, but he hasn't stopped buying the good shramp :). It adds some great dark humour to those thoughts, too. Watching him desperately try to convince himself not to care is very funny.

Abe is also kinda interesting. He doesn't do much except be a relatively normal housemate, but he makes me wonder a lot about Red. Like, there's some knowledge of Red's delusions, clearly, but I doubt Abe knows how deep they go otherwise Red would probably be living in jail lol. It also makes me wonder about Red's origin story. Is worshipping a world-ending tentacle baby a new hobby or was he born like that? Considering some cosmic horror tropes, it could go any direction, but his relationship with Abe, and the implied distant one with his mother could say a lot either way.

You've got a good clip going here The premise of the story is set up basically right away, Red's got a great and distinct motive even if we're not diving deep into his psyche yet. We already have hints of conflict every direction--therapy, the murder, the spooky yamask and Joanne's brother showing up to ask questions. It's a thriller-like pace, I'd say. Though told from the perspective of the slasher. I'm excited to see where this goes. Especially the therapy, for some reason. Though maybe that's just Hannibal making murder therapy more tense than it has any right to be. Some banger cliffhangers, as well. I love how inveted I am in Red's hobby already that I'm ooohing at even the first hints that his murder is not as wrapped up as he thought.

I kinda touched on this before, but I quite like the writing. It's difficult to strike a good balance first person, but a lot of the time I think that tends to be a symptom of a weak personality behind the pov steering wheel. As I've said, Red is interesting. And So I really enjoy how you write in a way that focuses audience attention ont he things he finds are important. His personality and beliefs really bleed into the narration in a satisfying way. I can tell it's creating some great tension on top of that because I'm leaning into the screen during a grocery store trip. Although maybe that's just the anxiety of going to the grocery store anyday. Red really is the most relateable dude.

Anyway, great read! I don't think I've read any of your stuff before, but I shall hopefully continue now that summer's coming and I'm maybe getting more free time. (please god, let that be true).

It also helps that this story is complete, at least . Always a good incentive.

See ya : )

 

[canisaries]

Omg juicy review

What does catch my eye is the real dissapearance of the body. I came into the end of the prologue kinda convinced nothing would happen. Red would make his summoning circle and then just kind... bury the body, I guess. Anyway, that didn't happen lol. Magic is real I guess? Maybe Red is right about the world? Am I being converted?

This is something that has tripped up multiple people - but yes, HIM and the magic Red uses are supposed to be real, and it isn't supposed to be ambiguous. This story isn't going to be going for the "oooh it's all in le head" trope (for that aspect), and it's probably best that I disclose that before people start getting excited about the "reveal" that was never going to be there.

Thank you for the review! I'm very glad to hear you enjoyed reading!

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, cutting it a bit close to the deadline, but I’m here for that Catnip review, which I figured was as good a reason as any to return back to Hunter, Haunted:

Chapter 3

Spoiler

The mental health clinic towers over me.

… Wait, Red is actually bothering to go to mental health clinics while he’s ritually murdering people on the sly?

One would think that a place focused on aiding the mentally troubled would try to appear as welcoming and unintimidating as possible, but clearly the architect didn't agree. Instead, the building is a soulless, washed-beige block of concrete with featureless windows.

However, that's nothing compared to the entrance, which has a low, protruding roof held up by cuboid pillars that seem far too few and slim to support the thick mass above. The comforting fact that it's a modern building keeping up to modern standards is hard to internalize with the red-green vines spiraling up the pillars and hanging from the ceiling. It almost looks overgrown, abandoned.

I wonder if this is in Celadon City, since this aesthetic definitely feels very “Erika” right about now.

Oh, how I'd love to just walk away. To avoid all the invasive questions about my life and sanity. To get right back to my ghost hunt before any secrets get spilled...

But I can't. The reason why is two meters tall, reeks of musk and stands right behind me.

Yes, Abe had thought ahead. He knew he was small and dainty, that he would have no chance of forcing me out of the house and into a cab by himself. But he knew a slaking would, and what do you know, his friend happened to know one.

Ah. So Red basically got drug kicking and screaming to see the shrink. I take it that this isn’t the first time that he’s been roped into one of these trips, since there’s something about his inner monologue that doesn’t feel particularly surprised about this.

Naturally, I considered pulling out my knife and threatening the mon… but as I weighed my options a little more, I decided against it. While it would be best to exterminate the ghost as soon as possible, it wouldn't help me much if my brother was convinced I was too dangerous to reason with. He'd begin to try his best to get me locked up, and I'm sure he'd eventually find the hidden room - and then I'd be exposed anyway.

Wait, wait, wait. Red has a brother in this continuity? Is that also a thing in TPP, or is it a creation for story?

On the other hand, actually going to this stupid shrink and getting a professional's opinion that I was perfectly normal would shut him right up. Probably put me in the files as clean as well. Undoubtedly a worthwhile investment.

I sure hope that the technology in this setting isn’t advanced enough to support mainstream brainwave readers, otherwise… yeah, Red’s gonna be in for a bad time.

Abe finishes paying the cab driver further behind and scurries over to me. My sight accidentally veers to the left and meets the slaking's eyes. The mon snorts. I quickly look back to Abe, who answers my stare with an innocent, pup-like smile.

"Okay, let's go," he says, then turns to the slaking. "Thanks a lot for your help. Do you think you could still stay here until twenty past and make sure he doesn't try slipping away?"

The slaking grins. "You got it, kid."

"Thanks so much, Joe. I owe you one."

Right, Pokémon can speak in human languages in this setting. I forgot about that one since it’s been a couple chapters since we saw Red’s roomies in depth.

We leave the mon behind and enter the clinic. The very first room is a spacious white-and-viridian hall - a dramatic change from the thin crevice of the entrance. Outside us and a receptionist in his glass-encased desk, the hall is void of people.

Abe walks up to the desk and rests his fingers on the counter. “Hi,” he begins quietly. “My brother has an appointment.”

Red: “For the record, this is completely unnecessary, Abe.” >_>;

“Name?” asks the receptionist, his eyes locked on mine as I sluggishly approach. I can tell exactly what he’s thinking. What’s the matter with this one? Nothing. But I bet that’s what they all say.

“Ichiro Akai,” Abe answers for me. "But he prefers to be called Red."

Oh, so Red is the eldest child in the family. Duly noted there, though I’m also curious as to if there’s TPP meta behind this or if it’s a wholesale creation of yours.

Perhaps in this context, being Ichiro would have been advantageous. With another name, it would be easier to play the part of someone you’re not. But I suppose it's too late for that now.

Yeeeeeah, I suppose that being a TPP protagonist would give a lot of experience with playing the part of someone else.

“Alright. Let’s see...” The man swivels to his computer and begins to click and type. Even amidst his search, his eyes flick back to me. “15.20, Dr Jordan Marsh?”

“Yes.”

“Third floor, hallway E. You can wait there.”

Cosmopolitan names are cosmopolitan, though I suppose you’ve been open in other parts of the internet that there’s a number of Western names floating around in Kanto alongside the Japanese stuff, so I won’t question it too hard.

“Thanks.” Abe nods and heads for the stairway at the side of the hall. I'm about to follow, but then...

“Sir, is that a knife?"

I turn to the receptionist.

"You’ll have to give it up for the duration of your appointment.”

Receptionist: “... Why on earth do you even have that with you anyways?”

I return to the desk, steps disdainfully unhurried. With the same enthusiasm, I unstrap the scabbard from my belt and place it on the counter.

I take it that there was no analogue to the 2008 Akihabara stabbings in HH!Kanto, or else the dangerous local fauna kept weapons laws relaxed relative to reality. Since getting caught doing this in present day Japan is a fast way to wind up having an uncomfortable conversation at a police station.

As the receptionist drags the decorated leather case through the sliver in the glass, I make sure to keep my eyes pinned to his. Once his gaze strays to meet mine, I speak three slow words, moving only my lips.

"Don't lose it."

He averts his eyes and stashes the knife in a drawer.

Receptionist: “Again, why do you even have this?”

Abe: “Yeeeeah, you’re definitely not helping to convince others that you don’t have something wrong with your head, Red.”

I return to Abe. "Third floor, hallway E?"

He nods, and so we begin our journey through the floors. The stairway, encased by concrete walls, coils around an elevator shaft as it ascends. On the second floor, an open door's frame shows a glimpse into a waiting room with minimal decor. On the third floor… the exact same view unfolds. Am I sure Celebi didn't just throw me back fifteen seconds?

No, that’s just the horrors of modern architecture, Red.

My pondering of false gods fades quickly as the room comes fully to view. Three people sit on the rough-textured couches of the central area, none of them paying much attention to the quiet noises of the TV near the ceiling. One is a skinny, bony man fidgeting with his watch and twitching his leg all the while. The other man is heavier and older, slouching back while staring deeply into the blank wall opposite him. The third is a woman so reserved and tiny that I may have missed her presence entirely were it not for the tapping of her fingers on her smartphone.

I can smell the crazy off them.

Do… I want to know how Red knows what ‘crazy’ smells like? Though given how he’s been telling himself that he’s not crazy…

"Over there," my brother whispers and points to one of the many hallways leading out of the room. The sign above does indeed say E.

After entering and turning a corner, the hallway boasts a long line of doors. Opposite them rest a few chairs and a tiny table. Abe escorts me to sit down, finally, but… he still stands there.

I sigh and lean back. "You can just leave. You know I wouldn't run off without my knife."

He rubs his arm.

Abe:

Red: “Oh, come on. Seriously, what do you expect me to do like this?” >_>;

“Just go. Your job is done,” I say, this time with eye contact.

"Alright," he exhales and finally walks off. "Remember, bus 20," he adds over his shoulder.

Ah yes, so Abe’s going to let his brother with questionable mental health go back on his own with a knife. On a public bus. Everyone’s just okay with that in this region?

"Yep." The bus that goes from here to the high school. Abe even gave me the necessary cash for a ticket. I could’ve told him I had enough on me already, but I’m not gonna say no to free money and exact change at that.

I watch Abe disappear behind the corner, then sigh and take a lengthy blink. My arms cross themselves and my finger begins to tap. The shrink better call me in soon.

Red:

I wonder what Michi and the yamask are doing right now. Are they talking? Who knows what kind of conversation they're having. Oh, what’s that, my yamask friend? You just remembered how the woman whose face you’re carrying died? Oh, she was murdered in an occult ritual? By that man that was following us earlier? Well, that’s not very nice! We should go and tell the nice men at the police station right away!

Oh Gods, what if that’s actually what’s happening? What if they already told the police? What if they’re coming for me right now?

I snerked, both at the sarcastic inner monologue plus the realization that “wait, that could actually be happening

” afterwards.

No, no, think about this logically. Calm down your pounding heart. They don’t have any proof. And in this country, you’re innocent until proven guilty, right? They can’t get me arrested - only questioned at best. And the cops can’t just go ahead and ransack my place based on something a ghost and a little girl said, can they? As long as no one finds out about my secret room, I’m safe. And Joanna never even knew where the room was.

I mean, depending on how “Japan” you’re playing this Kanto… uh… yeah, Red would basically be boned if he got as far as standing in front of a judge since something on the order of 99.8% of criminal prosecutions in Japan result in convictions.

Alright, that's settled. Now back to waiting impatiently. I let my eyes wander around my boring surroundings and what the hell is that?

On the table. Black smudge with legs. That's a spider. Where did it come from? Are there others nearby? No, don't move!

My body squeezes itself against the far armrest. Stop walking this way, you bastard! I don't want anything to do with you, you disgusting, unpredictable stain of a creature. You don't even look alive. You're a machine, created only to crawl into places you shouldn't be in and repulse anyone who spots your ugly silhouette.

Oh, so Red’s an arachnophobe. Filing that one away along with how there’s normal animals in this setting alongside Pokémon.

How does it do it? How does a tiny, harmless critter set off a blaring alarm in my brain, when its cousin ariados are perfectly fine for me to look at?

That's it. I'm sick of this. I’m sounding like common prey here. I'm a predator, apex no less, and this spider will know it. No matter how repugnant you are, you're fifty steps below me in the food chain. Die.

Slaking:

Red: “Shut up, you’re not even supposed to be here right now!” >.<

My hand is raised, ready to squish, but it only trembles in place. I really, really don't want to feel its shell or innards on my skin. Should I use my shoe instead? It'd be far easier on my heart…

No, this is ridiculous. Red, aren't you the Bringer? Isn't it your fate to merge with the Lord of Predators and usher forth a new age?

Clearly he is not remotely ready for this alleged fate if he’s this squeamish about gooshing a spider. Though I actually wonder how common it is among serial killers to struggle surprisingly hard with killings outside their normal profiles.

You've killed eight human beings in a slow and painful way. You've drunk their blood and eaten their flesh. And now suddenly killing a spider by hand is off limits because the touch of one is a bit icky?

It's almost like you weren't suitable to be the Bringer after all…

Slam.

I mean, he probably still isn’t suitable to be the Bringer, but at least he managed to talk himself past the “ew” factor of gooshing the spider.

Th-there. It's done. It's dead. It's dead, right? I don't think it's moving. I just feel its broken body, its gross body. It's done, so now I can get it off. Quickly, in case it isn't dead after all.

I yank the hand off the table and swipe the palm on the knee of my jeans. Spider corpse on jeans, okay, get off, I flick it off and it drops to the floor. I'm safe. Not that I wasn't ever safe. I can just be at ease now.

“Ichiro Akai?”

Whelp, so much for Red being at ease there.

Who said that? Who said that? Oh, the psych! She's standing in the frame of one of the doors, freshly opened. She?

I get up. "Yes, that's me."

Yeah, I knew he’d be caught off-guard there.

“I'm Dr Jordan Marsh. Please, come in."

Jordan, huh. I guess it's unisex. But more surprising is her outfit. Red cat-eye glasses, jet black bowl cut, mascara, clothes black and white with the exception of a striking red scarf. Half secretary, half rebellious teen who'd tell me giratinism is the way to go. And I'd tell them to fuck off because I already have a cult.

I kinda feel like Red’s inner monologue works better separated from Jordan’s line, but that might be a stylistic thing from my end.

As I make my way to the door, I steal one last glance at the dead spider on the floor one more time. Still there. It really is dead.

I enter the room and take in its interior. Big window taking up a lot of the back wall. Desk in one corner, two armchairs in the other. Small table between the chairs. On the table lie a clock, a vase of flowers - plastic… and a box of tissues. Seriously?

inb4 Red winds up needing those tissues during the session, since… yeah, he’s clearly not fully balanced mentally, so I’m sure he can wind up going to some surprising places.

Dr Marsh closes the door. "Please, have a seat."

I choose the far chair. Its dark green leather is comfortable enough. Well, faux leather, I'm sure.

Well, that certainly sounds on-brand for a medical facility given that green is known to be a soothing color for patients.

The woman seats herself in the other armchair, finds an empty page in her notebook and finally brings her gaze back to me.

"So," she begins, "how are you?"

I blink. "Right now?"

"Right now."

"Fine, I guess."

I mean, I wouldn’t be terribly shocked if Red would consider his status quo of cutting up people in his basement normal and perfectly fine were it not for his ongoing ghost issues, so…

"You guess?"

I suppress a frown. "I know." Is the whole thing going to be this slow?

“Alright, then...” She scribbles something in her notebook. Was… was that important?

Yeeeeah, this session is going to wind up going to interesting places, I can tell.

“So, what is it that you're here for?” she asks.

Red: “Because my brother literally strongarmed me with his Slaking to come here?” >_>;

"Not sure, to be honest. My brother set this up for me. Did he say why?"

"I think he told me that you seemed unhappy and on-edge. He also mentioned something about violent tendencies. Do you recognize that in yourself?"

Red: “Define ‘violent tendencies’, there.”

Violent tendencies. I guess word of my reputation reached him at high school… but it's not like this lady's gonna know. "Not really. I'm just not one to wear my heart on my sleeve."

“So you’d consider yourself a mentally healthy person?”

“Yes.” Probably more than most.

Ah yes, it’s like the Principal Skinner meme of who’s the person that’s the problem. :V

“Have you had any previous diagnoses?”

“No."

"What about the Twitch?"

Oh, so that’s what Red’s spell as a TPP puppet is called in this story. Though wait, does that mean that all of the other protagonists that had a TPP runthrough are also affected by Helix in this setting?

I flinch. So Abe told her… maybe that's why he wanted me looked at. Thought he was doing me a favor by having me open up about that to a professional.

Red: “(Seriously, of all the people Lord Helix needs as a sacrifice, he just has to not ask for the bratty little brother who’s constantly endangering me.)” >_>;

"Right," I say, "that didn't even come to mind… I guess it shows I'm pretty much over it."

"Over it?"

Oh, please don't sound so incredulous. I don't want that experience to mark me. Sure, I still have nightmares about those days, and sure, I still can't use modern technology without terrifying flashbacks, and sure, it somehow caused me to develop an obsession towards a little marine mon, an obsession that I now desperately need to destroy for the sake of ascension… but I need the world to see me as normal despite that.

Somehow. Gods, this might not be as simple as I'd previously thought. Gotta think of a reply to acknowledge this, but still downplay it enough…

Yeah, the experience totally marked him. Though I wonder if the inner monologue line from Red is dense enough that it ought to be formatted as two smaller ones, since things from “Somehow” onward feel a bit thematically distinct from the stuff beforehand.

“Well, I get some nightmares now and then about those times… but I know it's over now, and that calms me down each time I have one.”

Cue Jordan shoving a phone into Red’s lap and casually disproving his statement.

She writes something in her notebook again, then returns to more mundane questions. She asks me about how well I've slept, if I'm on any medication, whether or not I use any substances… couldn't I just have filled out some form? This is taking annoyingly long. My finger starts to tap again, but I stop it.

“Alright then, moving on. Tell me, how is school for you?” Dr Marsh asks, eyes on her notes.

“It’s okay. I don’t get the highest grades, but I don’t need them.”

I’m honestly surprised that he hasn’t dropped out between the whole aftermath of the Twitch and the fact that Red canonically goes full hermit in official media.

“That’s funny...”

Wait. Wait, I may have fucked up. “Why’s that?”

Her eyes meet mine. “Because I know you quit high school two years ago.”

Oh, well. There we go. So Red did have his hermit episode after all, even if it manifested a bit differently from the canonical flavor.

I freeze. Shit, I got caught lying. How does she know I quit? Did Abe tell her? It must have been Abe. That little sneasel…

Red: “(Seriously, Lord Helix. If you could ask for the bratty little brother for once, you’d really be doing me a solid.)”

“Why did you quit?” she asks, leaning back in her chair. She has a more… relaxed air to her now. It’s like she was waiting for me to slip up.

Narrator: “She was absolutely waiting for him to slip up.”

Okay, why did I quit, why did I quit. Quitting isn’t normal. What’s normal for quitters? What’s normal for a person in my situation? I quit because the people pissed me off way too much and I needed time to hunt down sacrifices for HIM. And take care of the omanyte - well, omastar back then, but... that’s history now.

But Could that work as a reason here? If I let her know I cared for someone - and from others’ perspective, still do - she’s less likely to consider me a potential danger to society.

Another paragraph where it might work better formatted as two smaller ones.

“I needed time off to care for my... friend who’d fallen ill.” I guess that’s the best word to use here, since ‘master’ and ‘lord’ are definitely out of the question.

“Helix, right? An omanyte?”

The name sounds so wrong coming from her mouth. Still, I nod.

Red: “... (I’m still sounding completely crazy right now, aren’t I?)” >.<

“Your brother told me you hold Him in very high regard… even that you considered Him a ‘god’. How accurate is this?”

Wait, is the capital ‘Him’ meant to be deliberate in Jordan’s dialogue? I wouldn’t have pegged Jordan as having any reverence for Helix, though I suppose that could just as easily be Red’s perspective automatically rendering it in such a fashion.

I force a laugh. “Well, that’s an exaggeration. Some people say they ‘worship’ the people they love, you know?”

“I believe this is usually reserved for romantic interests. Are You two --”

“N-no.” That’s just… uncomfortable to think about. “Just friends. With a strong bond.”

Ah yes, steering the conversation to that one notorious meme panel of earlier PokéSpe. >:V

“Can you further describe this bond between You two? How did it form?”

Memories flood my mind. The timid eyes of a newly-hatched omanyte, the touch of its cautiously reaching arm, these sensations muffling the voices screaming inside my skull. Then an older omanyte playfully swimming in loops and circles. The sound of its ‘good morning’ as I come downstairs. The pattern of its shell, the captivating spiral. The slit pupils of perceptive, yellow eyes and the coiling of tentacles upon tentacles. The deep blue blood on Mt Silver’s snow. The pain in His voice. The pain in my chest.

I feel the same pain now. My heart wrapped in coarse rope, the loops chafing the organ and getting tighter. It hurts, but it shouldn’t hurt, there shouldn't be any kind of reaction. You can’t care… no - you don’t care. You got that? You keep H- it safe and healthy for HIS benefit, but you don’t talk to it, touch it or even look at it any more than you have to, alright?

You know the drill here. I get the vibe that Red’s mind is meant to be racing right now, but even so, I do think that the present version is in a big enough block that it’s a bit dense to get through in one go.

That’s how you’ll move on. By realizing it’s just an… object, a tool. A lowly organism whose breath and beating heart just happen to allow HIS powers to grow much faster. It’s not HIM. It doesn’t even know about HIM. Aside from its spirit link, it’s worthless. A distraction. And if you want to be the Bringer, you can’t let anything hold you back. HE told you so. Sever that attachment, or you have no chance - HE was very, very clear about that. Either that connection dies… or you do.

Red:

“Are you alright?”

I'm in the room again. It's weirdly quiet. Was it always this quiet?

“Yeah, just got lost in thought,” I answer, fixing my sight on my hands to keep any more images from surfacing. They’ve curled into fists. I pry them open.

Jordan: “I’m… just going to go and take that as a ‘no’, there.” -_-;

Oh Gods, I just want to get out of here and get on with my plans. This isn’t worth it anymore. How could I cut this short, but do so politely and normally…? Ah, got it! Why didn't I think of this before?

“Actually, though…” I interrupt the psych's writing. “I'm sorta getting a pretty bad headache right now.”

“Oh.” She lowers her pen. “Can you not go on?”

“I don't think I can, no… I'm sorry.” I rub my forehead. “I get migraines from time to time, and this feels like one…”

I mean, at least he knew better than to go and try to feign a conveniently-timed stomachache? ^^;

“How bad is it? Do you need help?”

“Nah, no, I… I think I should just go home and sleep it off. That usually does it.”

I get up and she makes no motions to stop me. I take that as a sign of success.

Cue the jinx in 3… 2…

“Shall we reschedule?” she asks. Dammit, she isn't done with me yet.

“Yeah, we should… I don't have a phone right now, so please call my brother.” I wobble to the door. “Thanks… goodbye.”

“Goodbye,” she replies as I walk out and close the door.

Red: “... Dammit, why did I tell her to call Abe back?! Now I won’t be able to get out of avoiding her!” >.<

Phew. Won't have to worry about that for a while. Hopefully not before I manage to get rid of the mask.

Watch as the rescheduled session is literally the very next day. It just feels very on-brand with the sort of luck that Red has been having this chapter thus far.

I backtrack the route I walked with Abe, though nearly get lost on the way, as some hallways are pretty much identical. The blueprints of this place must have been just an elaborate squiggle. Nevertheless, I arrive at the main hall and resume feigning a headache, just in case. After waiting through a short line at the reception desk, I ask for my knife back and receive it. I swear I could’ve seen a hint of malicious joy in the receptionist’s eyes. Should that kind of person really be in such a social profession? I’d never put myself in a job like that.

I mean, as much of a social loner Red is in this incarnation, I’m convinced that the main block to him lording it over others in a social profession is simply that he hates dealing with people.

As I exit the building, I glance around, but see no slaking. He must have left by now, good. I search for and quickly spot a bus stop a bit further down the road, sprint over and make sure I still have the cash Abe gave me in my pocket. I do. Great. There’s plenty, too - I suppose in case of the price being more than anticipated. At least that little dork thinks ahead.

Alright, bus 20. You better come soon.

I’m now morbidly curious as to if Red ever flashes his knife in order to claim nicer seats while on public transport. On the one hand, he feels sufficiently petty enough to do that, but it might be a bit bolder than how he normally operates.

I step off the bus at the stop next to the high school, knowing the library is only a short walk away. I’m doubly glad about it now after having to sit next to some human-snorlax hybrid who probably hadn’t showered since his puberty began. Compared to that and the general stuffy air of public transportation, the outside’s cold gusts are refreshing - but much better is to come.

Oh, the library. While on the outside, you may look like a secret government containment unit for extraterrestrial life with your shape of octagonal dome and colors of chessboard, I know the beauty that hides inside you.

I actually wonder if this library is based off any buildings in particular, since that feels like a very particular design described there.

The shelves of dark, carefully lacquered wood. The books of infinite colors and patterns, like flowers in bloom. The scent of freshly baked pastries from the café in the same building, and the sound of… nothing. Nothing but a few lone steps and the swish of a turned page every now and then. No babbling, no traffic. Only serenity.

I wonder now… why haven’t I come here in such a long time? I came here all the time in high school - well, the one year I managed to spend there. I would read about biology, about anatomy, learning how exactly those organs I’d seen and handled worked… and suddenly, chemistry was interesting, physics was interesting. So many things were. I wanted to learn even more…

Oh, so the events of TPP in this setting happened while Red was a Freshman in high school, huh?

But then I quit. I stopped going to school. I stopped going places in general, not that there were many. I guess it all lost its meaning somehow…

Oh, whatever. I’m on a mission here. I shouldn’t be thinking of the past with the present being such a mess. A mess only I can fix - but the tools I require lie within this building.

… Are there even reputable ghost-hunting manuals to be had in a public library, Red? You’d think that the quality of materials would be kinda scattershot. ^^;

I sprint to the doors and slip inside. It's warm, as always, and… wait, what?

Where are the wooden shelves? Where is the café? And what is that smell? It's like a rabid rattata had busted into the kitchen and knocked over everything on the spice rack! This isn't mellow and relaxing, this is an assault on the senses!

And what is going on with the library itself? It's like it's going for the opposite effect, sensory deprivation! Where are the colors? Where are the textures? Everything's grayscale, everything's plastic! Even the books look like they're wilting…

Who would do this? Who would like this? Is it so important for those modernist snobs to shove their so-called art in people's faces that they've begun defacing public property?

Can’t tell if Red is having an episode or if he’s just discovered that the library’s been renovated since the last time he was in it.

Gods… my hand draws itself to my forehead. I feel weak. The scent… it's not just spices - which seem to come from a deli that stands where the café used to - I can even pick up rubber and new paint. A sure recipe for a headache… is this divine retribution for lying about having one before?

Whelp, renovation confirmed.

Forget it, it's not important. What's important is finding out how to get rid of that ghost. I can lament the state of our society some other time.

Alright. I calm my nerves and head to the Fact section. From there, Biology, Pokémon, Ghost. One shelf. A shelf not made of sturdy wood with elegant striping, but a long metal sheet bent into a squiggle to constrict the books within… no, don’t let your thoughts wander, get back on track. I pick a book that looks comprehensive enough - The Complete Guide to Ghosts - and sit down on the closest chair I find.

Wait, they really call the place where informational books are kept the “Fact section”? Admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve been in a public library, but I did a double-take there.

Skimming the book, it seems most of this information is either already familiar to me or completely irrelevant. Everyone knows dark beats ghost by first grade, and I doubt knowing the exact density and composition of a gastly's smoke is going to help with my current situation. Are yamask gone over in this book? I skip to the glossary and look under Y - nope. To hell with this book, then. I return it to the shelf and look for the next…

Unfortunately, the same repeats with that book. And the third. Fourth. Fifth. Or, well, not quite. Some of them mentioned yamask. One even included an illustration… but that was all. No new information gained.

Red, have you considered just asking someone to use a search engine for you to get around your whole ‘war flashbacks’ thing with modern technology? ^^;

Is there no book specifically on yamask? There has to be. Though there's no guarantee there would be one in this library. That thought takes my heart in its hand and bounces it like a basketball. What if I can't find the information on my own? I'll have to ask somebody, and that'll leave a trace, a big stinking one at that. I can't have that… but the alternative is to try and search the internet, and I… I can't…

I mean, there probably would be one… in Unova. But yeah, I suppose it should be unsurprising that smaller libraries wouldn’t just have books going in-depth about Pokémon from out-of-region lying around since they’d almost never need to be used by locals.

No, focus! Don't give up yet! There are still plenty of books to go through.

I scan the backs of each yet again. Generic, generic, gastly line, misdreavus line, generic… hold on. Some of these have been pushed in back first. I flip around a few. Generic, Ghosts of Hoenn, Faces of the Past: The Unovan Ya-

Yamask.

Red: “Finally, holy crap that was annoying.” >_>;

The golden mask on the cover stares deep into my eyes with its empty sockets. It whispers congratulations on finding it.

I open the book right away. Tell me, what is a yamask?

Yamask, specifically the Unovan variant, are ghost-type pokémon with shadow-like bodies and large red eyes that seem to drip a viscous liquid. With their arms or prehensile tail, they carry a golden mask that resembles a human face . . . Okay, all of that I already knew. Skipping a bit further…

I actually wonder if there are other plot points in this story specifically arise from Red having a Luddite streak, since I just realized that this entire atmospheric scene in the library wouldn’t work if Red was capable of just hitting up Not!Google like a normal person. It’s definitely a clever leveraging of how he’s a bit off-kilter in how he operates.

As with many other ghost pokémon, it has long been believed that these creatures are reincarnations of humans that have perished in the past. In the case of the Unovan yamask and its Galarian cousin, however, there has been significantly more evidence in favor of this theory than for other ghost species. There exist numerous records of Unovan yamask remembering experiences of the person whose face they appear to carry as well as retaining attitudes and behaviors the deceased was reported to have possessed . . .

Red:

Shit. It’s as I feared. The ghost is either Joanna herself or an imitation functionally equivalent to the real thing…

But I suppose it makes little difference. I’d already decided to kill the thing, no matter what it was. And speaking of killing, let’s try to find something on that next…

I’m a bit surprised that a book about a Pokémon would just casually include instructions of how to best kill them, but I suppose that that would be necessary for potentially navigating hostile encounters.

I continue my skimming. It seems that these yamask are most numerous near the ruins of an ancient desert civilization in Unova, but also appear elsewhere around the world, seemingly at random. They can also evolve - they can, now?

That actually makes me wonder what the primary determinant is for what regional form a randomly spawned Yamask will take or not.

I flip the page to meet a fierce gaze. Red eyes filled with malice stare from the darkness inside of a sarcophagus. Four arms of shadow reach at the camera, seeking to grasp the viewer into a cold embrace and… eat them, maybe, I don’t know, haven’t gotten that far. But it’s also not relevant for me as long as I’m fast enough not to let Joanna evolve, so I skip to the glossary for clues on how to eliminate a yamask specimen.

I’m pretty sure that this is tempting fate, Red, just saying.

Some jumping between pages lets me know the gist. With ghosts, the most obvious answer is always an exorcism. There are two kinds: fatal and non-fatal, and the names refer to what happens to the ghost as a result. Fatal destroys the ghost, ‘banishing’ it from reality, while non-fatal exorcisms are used to simply force a ghost out of a person, object or location without necessarily harming the spirit. They’re also apparently harder to pull off.

Well, then it’s a good thing I want this thing wiped off the earth! Fatal is the obvious choice. But then again… exorcisms can’t be that simple. And if they require actual faith to work, they definitely won’t be my thing. Were I not serving a god I’ve witnessed with my own two eyes, I’d dismiss religion entirely.

Yeeeeeah, knowing how TPP was basically a continuous stream of chaos, I’d think that attempting to exorcise anything with the power of Helix would have a non-trivial chance of just making the target stronger.

Oh, there appears to be another way of handling things. It involves taking the creature’s mask and wearing it, which will cause one to be possessed. This will make the ghost tangible within the host’s reality, allowing the human to land a deadly strike to destroy the yamask once and for all. However, this technique only tends to work with new ghosts and with the element of surprise at hand as the ghost can easily escape from reach soon after the possession's beginning…

Oh, so that’s the method that Red’s going to attempt to use to deal with Joanna.

Well, aren't I lucky to be dealing with a first-time ghost, then? Sounds like all I have to do is be quick and cunning, and that's what HE has trained me to be. This'll be a piece of cake.

Still, I should look into that exorcism business. It'd be foolish not to have a back-up plan. Back to the shelf it is…

Yeah, I can already tell that this is going to be a saga and a half, since one of the very consistent messages that HH has had so far about Red is that he’s nowhere near as cool and competent as he assesses himself to be in moments like this.

I fold the napkin and tuck it in my pocket. I really should’ve brought my notebook along.

I stop to stare at the ballpoint pen I’d borrowed to scribble down the instructions to one exorcism I found. Should I return it, or accept it as compensation for the horrible renovation of this place? Eh, I guess I’ll return it. I have enough enemies as is.

And there’s Exhibit A to the last point right there.

I walk up to the librarian and return the pen with a smile and a thank you - just to see if I was still capable of performing such actions, I suppose. I exit the library and --

Sunlight! Sweet, golden sunlight, unobstructed by clouds, oh, this is wonderful. I guess the sky is clearing up after all! And the fresh air… I breathe my lungs full of it. Oh, Gods, yes, this is what it’s all about.

So Red’s an outdoorsy person. I suppose that that does check out with what we’ve seen of him in the first couple chapters.

I lean on a lightpost for a brief moment of deeper relaxation - but an unexpected texture against my hoodie's arm scatters my thoughts. Plastic among metal. I glance for an answer.

ARCEUS SAVES, reads a tacky blue sticker. Oh, so those morons are loose in this neighborhood…

These hypocritical irony moments in this story are always fun to see. Since from a certain way of looking at things, Red has a lot more in common with those Arceists than he’d ever care to admit.

But my frown melts away as fast as it came. Such trivialities can't bring me down now. I finally have the answers I need. The road onward is clear, and at the end of that road… I have the privilege of another kill. It's only fair, really. I wasn't there to see her die the first time. This time is another story.

What flickered back at the supermarket earlier today will soon get to blaze.

Tonight, the predator is on the hunt.

I’ll take the under on that ‘hunt’ being successful given that there’s 10 numbered chapters, a midequel, and an Extra to go from this point, but I suppose the journey is always more important than the destination in a story.

Alright and onto the recap: So I gather that the primary point of this chapter was basically to get into Red’s head more and point him in a general direction for realizing his goals for trying to snuff out the lingering ghostly liability to his serial killing habit, and I think that you did a decently good job at pulling it off. Like it’s definitely a very off-spec depiction of Red, but you managed to make the premise of a person left deeply disturbed from contact with the paranormal feel believable, and the different idiosyncrasies he has from that contact are used quite nicely in the actual plot. I do wonder if this discrepancy between “Red as he sees himself” and “Red as he actually is” will wind up getting explored a bit more in later chapters, since it seems to come up quite persistently in the story thus far even if for now, it’s mostly been used in service of gags at Red’s expense.

I don’t have too much to criticize about this chapter on a technical level beyond that maybe it’d have been nice to play up Red going for Joanna a bit harder. There were a couple wording choices that I didn’t fully agree with, and a couple paragraphs that I felt were a tad on the “long and impenetrable” side, but otherwise, there wasn’t much in the way of technical flaws to this chapter.

Hope the feedback was helpful @canisaries , and best of luck with your current writings.

 

[canisaries]

I wonder if this is in Celadon City, since this aesthetic definitely feels very “Erika” right about now.

Just Pallet - HH!Kanto is much larger than the game Kanto, so Celadon would be a few hours away.

Wait, wait, wait. Red has a brother in this continuity? Is that also a thing in TPP, or is it a creation for story?

A TPP thing! Red's brother, Abe, was the protagonist of the anniversary Red playthrough. In this universe, though, he didn't get the Twitch.

Oh, so Red is the eldest child in the family. Duly noted there, though I’m also curious as to if there’s TPP meta behind this or if it’s a wholesale creation of yours.

Red mostly has a non-Red first name because the name "Red Akai" fucking sucks. "Red" makes more sense as a nickname.

I take it that there was no analogue to the 2008 Akihabara stabbings in HH!Kanto, or else the dangerous local fauna kept weapons laws relaxed relative to reality. Since getting caught doing this in present day Japan is a fast way to wind up having an uncomfortable conversation at a police station.

So I mentioned this on Discord already, but for the forum-onlies: HH!Kanto is modelled partially (pretty largely in some respects) on my home country Finland because that's what I'm familiar with, and I thought at the time of writing and up until a few hours ago that it was legal and normal to carry a knife in public in Finland. Turns out it's not, but I can still pull the "humans have a justification in being armed when the wildlife is so dangerous" card, and I will. Red does, in-universe, justify his carrying to other people as a defense against wild ursaring.

Ah yes, so Abe’s going to let his brother with questionable mental health go back on his own with a knife. On a public bus. Everyone’s just okay with that in this region?

I mean, many states of the US let you carry a knife pretty much unrestricted. It can happen in a developed country, not that I really consider the US one. get owned

I mean, depending on how “Japan” you’re playing this Kanto… uh… yeah, Red would basically be boned if he got as far as standing in front of a judge since something on the order of 99.8% of criminal prosecutions in Japan result in convictions.

Another aspect where Kanto is more Western on purpose. It's also important for plot points in the sequel that the justice system is more lenient.

Oh, so that’s what Red’s spell as a TPP puppet is called in this story. Though wait, does that mean that all of the other protagonists that had a TPP runthrough are also affected by Helix in this setting?

All TPP protagonists (of which I think there are like, 30+ by now) are not included in this universe to keep things from being messy (especially when you consider that there are many playthroughs of randomized romhacks with weirdo shit like flying slaking and taillow that can punch you) and also because I stopped following the stream quite a while ago already, but I think there are like, 7 or so that did go through the Twitch in HHverse (all in different regions). There are also characters that were protagonists in TPP but didn't get the Twitch in this universe, like the previously mentioned Abe and Alice, which may have been mentioned in this chapter, I don't remember. I think she gets mentioned later on in the fic, but she's not important.

Oh, sorry, I rambled past the actual point. None of the others were affected by HELIX. The Twitch is a separate phenomenon from HIM.

Wait, is the capital ‘Him’ meant to be deliberate in Jordan’s dialogue? I wouldn’t have pegged Jordan as having any reverence for Helix, though I suppose that could just as easily be Red’s perspective automatically rendering it in such a fashion.

It is deliberate, and it is supposed to be Red's perspective assigning the pronoun respect automatically.

I actually wonder if this library is based off any buildings in particular, since that feels like a very particular design described there.

It kind of is! I was thinking of the Metso library in Tampere. It's not the same shape, but I thought of it, at least.

Oh, so the events of TPP in this setting happened while Red was a Freshman in high school, huh?

Well, they actually happened when he was 12 (or "happened", a lot of it was reality distortions that later were like they never happened), but it was at age 16 when he quit school (HH!Kantoan high school has you start at age 15-16). He quit because he had problems keeping his fists to himself.

… Are there even reputable ghost-hunting manuals to be had in a public library, Red? You’d think that the quality of materials would be kinda scattershot. ^^;

Since ghosts (and the effect exorcisms have on them) are demonstrably real in HHverse, ghost-hunting manuals are also more reputable.

Wait, they really call the place where informational books are kept the “Fact section”? Admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve been in a public library, but I did a double-take there.

...Huh. I was really sure for some reason that that's what they were called, but maybe they're not. I'll probably change it to "Non-fiction" in some later revision.

I actually wonder if there are other plot points in this story specifically arise from Red having a Luddite streak, since I just realized that this entire atmospheric scene in the library wouldn’t work if Red was capable of just hitting up Not!Google like a normal person. It’s definitely a clever leveraging of how he’s a bit off-kilter in how he operates.

Red being averse to technology is indeed vital for the story, which is why the originalized version, where the Twitch never happened, had to be set in the early 2000s when the internet wasn't a reputable source for information yet.

I’m a bit surprised that a book about a Pokémon would just casually include instructions of how to best kill them, but I suppose that that would be necessary for potentially navigating hostile encounters.

Ghosts don't really enjoy the same rights as other pokémon in the HH universe. They can become citizens, of course, and when they do they'll be treated the same as other citizens, but non-citizen ghosts are worse off legally than other feral or non-citizen pokémon. Exorcists are usually trained to kill ghosts instead of banish them because 1. it's a more permanent solution and 2. the exorcisms themselves are easier.

I do wonder if this discrepancy between “Red as he sees himself” and “Red as he actually is” will wind up getting explored a bit more in later chapters, since it seems to come up quite persistently in the story thus far even if for now, it’s mostly been used in service of gags at Red’s expense.

Oh, it certainly will.

Thanks for the review!

 

[icomeanon6]

I read the original prologue and chapters 1-3, and I will definitely be coming back to read the rest. This is exquisitely demented.

I really like the narrator's voice and the moment-to-moment, very sensory narration style. It reads smoothly and has that page-turning quality to it. Where it really shines I think is the detailed look at Red's aversion to technology and modernity. It reminds me a bit of A Confederacy of Dunces, which I mean as a high compliment. Looking at a specific example:

And what is going on with the library itself? It's like it's going for the opposite effect, sensory deprivation! Where are the colors? Where are the textures? Everything's grayscale, everything's plastic! Even the books look like they're wilting…

Who would do this? Who would like this? Is it so important for those modernist snobs to shove their so-called art in people's faces that they've begun defacing public property?

What makes this so great is that the basic opinion, "Wood is nicer than plastic, and modern architecture feels sterile" is a sensible stance, but Red takes it to such a frothing extreme that you (or at least I) feel uncomfortable for being somewhat on the same page with the premise. His being a serial killer and actual cannibal doesn't help this, and by "doesn't help" I of course mean "enhances."

Getting the gradual hints about the Twitch incident is neat. Full disclosure, I followed TPP in the early days, but not so much the fan-lore scene that surrounded it, so sometimes I get a little distracted wondering whether something is TPP-fan-lore or your own invention. But that's a me-problem, not a you-problem.

Ichiro Akai is a great name for Red. Bonus points for going with Ichiro for the Gen One protagonist.

Regarding the prologue, I wasn't put off by the level of gruesomeness, and I think there's merit in having a sort of "weed-out" chapter at the front so people don't realize what they're getting into only several chapters in. I will say, though, that while the prologue had moments of interest for me—like the dithering about the aesthetics of tarps amid the carnage—I can't say the story really grabbed me until probably the shopping scene. Red being on the brink of massacring everyone in the store got the hairs on my neck standing up far more than the prologue basement scene did, even if the latter was more explicit. It might be too much right out of the gate to have real impact. I might read the Alternate prologue to see how I feel about that, but I won't be able to say for certain what my opinion would have been had I read it first.

Some bits I loved:

"Sorry, no." Wow, both words were lies.

"Language," I mutter.

"You're not my mom."

"Yeah. I'm alive."

Both gold. A+

tl;dr: You very much have my attention. Looking forward to reading the rest!

 

[canisaries]

Thank you so much @icomeanon6 ! I hope you'll enjoy what's to come.

 

[Meridian]

Catnip Time​

This is more belated than I wanted it to be, but I lost track of the weekend and time... but here it is all the same.

Spoiler: thread opener and og prologue

"timeline"

In the series' timeline, HH comes after the oneshot Metanoia, which in turn comes after Seiren. In fact, Metanoia is the story that bridges these two multiparter fics together, and if you've finished Seiren, I strongly recommend you read Metanoia before this. If you're only now jumping in to the series, though, you can start either directly from this story or read Metanoia before it.

oh riiiight, I've asked about this before at least once in DMs I think when you were workshopping HH's sequel
I think I held off from reading as long as I have, whether because of "I'm not starting new chapterfics / longfics for now" moods or "oh fuck where do I start" and not wanting to make anyone repeat themselves.

"revisions"

Status:
Initially finished 17 April 2018
Revision finished 15 June 2019
Second revision finished 9 July 2023

oh wow, that's more revisions than I'd expected.
have you kept your old versions for posterity?

"Length"

Length:
92 000~ words with both prologues and extra included
(measured 2 August 2023)

also huh! I'd expected a little longer, I think I get more easily intimidated by longer / chapterfics than I should, as I know I've read plenty longer.

I'm gonna read the OG Prologue since I can handle graphic stuff, but I'll try alt next time I get rolled for catnip with HH.

White floor has stains, red and orange. And there are shreds, lumps of something...

Human! Human shape to the left! Who?

...Not moving. Not a threat?

Lots of red on it. Glistening middle. Blotches of color. Matches the lumps, kind of. Behind the human, there’s a board. Wooden. Belts. I made that. I… put her on that.

Her. I remember. I brought her here, unconscious. Strapped her to the board. Lit the candles - the little lights are candles. Set up the fire and water bowl - big light and metal - like I always do. Always do when I… bring an offering for...

HIM.

Behind the fire. The rock on the altar. Its spiral. No longer speaking. HE has left - or was HE ever here?

HE was, right. I started the ritual, HE was there. HE approved of my offering. But then… I can't remember. How did I go from that moment to this? Who killed the woman? Was it me, or…

"stains"
I do like this groggy "okay time to sort through my qualia" wake-up sequence, as though Red's had an overdue hangover hit on waking up.
Also first way that the relationship between him and HIM is shown off.
I can't remember if the possession is factual or a delusion Red's engaging with to keep himself safe from his actions, but if I remember right he attempts an insanity plea later in the narrative (or was that in an earlier part of the timeline)

As my surroundings sharpen further, I can make out the details of the lumps on the floor. As one could have guessed, they’re parts of her. Muscle, skin, fat, all sorts of tissue. Wildly and savagely thrown about. Just like you’d expect from the god of predators. Oh, I have to take a closer look at her body now. Cleaning up can wait just a few minutes.

"parts of her"
I like how the lumps of flesh are described... very casually. Just going "well, that's definitely the skin that used to cover her left calf" in the background. Well not that specific, but still.

Enslaved no more by the brain.

"enslaved no more"
This does a good bit of characterization alongside 'god of predators' wrt Red's perception of consciousness and sapience, I feel

GODDDD and he's just going for considering to vomit because Big Ol Helix was so hungy he didn't bother to do meal prep right.

And if the Helixians didn't need tarps all those millennia ago, neither do I.

"didnt need tarps"
ahhh the age old "if it aint broke" adage.
idk, tech can be useful.

Ignoring the missing flesh around the mouth, she's rather good-looking. Symmetrical,

"symmetrical"
RED COMING IN THE CLUTCH WITH PHRENOLOGY awjnkejnkawejnk
it's more vibes, but yeah it's not like I expected Red, Mr Cannibalism, to have good politics.

Anyway… even if I don't have a tongue to store, I'll still add a jar among the rest. It'll be empty, but a jar doesn't need to contain anything to mark a kill. That's what the label is for. A number and a name.

"label"
SUCH a good way to get caught like "damn these all match the disappearances you're suspected for 8/" lol

Spoiler: chapter 1 - Just Another Day

with that title I'm putting some danganronpa music on

I sigh and stare at the digits of the alarm. 9:00. The prime time to rise and shine. To get out of bed, do your morning chores and then set off for school to learn about all the wonders of the world. Or for work, to earn the bread to eat, to give a share to the government for all the nice services they provide.

"prime time"
he is so painfully aware of what normality 'must be like', and is blinded to the possibilities outside of that norm... well the possibilities that aren't wanton cannibalism.

I just like the idea of being able to skip eight hours of further boredom.

"timeskip"
I do actually know how this feels. It does have a little videogame logic to it yknow?
"well, there's nothing I really feel like doing, guess I'll sleep early" says the person who is definitely well and not depressed.

Anyway... it's alright, actually, all of this. Because it's all temporary. Everything will change once HE is ready, and that time will be soon. The ascension is right behind the corner. HIS taking me over proves that. HE just needs to… wait a little longer, to gather HIS strength. I just need to wait a little longer.

No, that's not true. Daily exercise is required to keep this body in proper shape. To skip that would be betraying HIM. You don't want to do that, do you?

"ascension"
Just keep telling yourself that kiddo.
I do think the compelled feeling comes across alright. I dont know how it could be stronger, but I think I'm glad there's an inner monologue establishing his views, so-on.
Cold mornings, ahhhh they make it hard to get up, but kind of worth it.

Speaking of… the two mon are probably up by now, getting ready for school and work. I should go upstairs and see them. Not going would be avoiding them, and avoiding is a sign of cowardice. I need to face them, face my weakness. It's the only way to overcome it.

Determined, I climb the stairs. I grab the handle of the door at the end…

They're talking. Fonz is walking around, his claws clacking against the wooden floor.

Stop hesitating. You have to do this.

"mon"
yoooo the time for pokemon to enter the narrative
goddd that poor omanyte, I can only expect he will Suffer

Is it the pronouns? Did I have it right the first time? Are they just a needless song and dance that in the end don’t affect anything, or are they really steering my psyche in the right direction?

"pronouns"
ahh, the omanyte has blue tentacles and pronouns-
but seriously, I do wonder if this 'reframe your worldview', while neat, is maybe pedantic as a practice. worldview's probably pretty set by the age he encountered Helix, soooo idk make it work with pronouns I say. No crit, just personal feeling.

Not to mention, giving a good performance will get me listed in the system as a completely normal and non-dangerous human being. And, of course, anything out of the ordinary is exciting by now, so goddamn it, sign me the fuck up.

"normal"
@ Red: you are SO Neglect-coded, is the vibe right now.
Otherwise, I do find it funny how he thinks there's Grades For Mental Health being logged into a public record system for investigators to cross reference. That stuff's only really relevant to a legal trial iirc, and you need a more established case history with a mental health professional for it to be more than incidental / anecdotal evidence.
I expect to find it entertaining.

this town being the idyllic little paradise it is and wild ursas being a rarity,

"ursas"
I do wonder if that means teddiursa / ursaring / ursaluna line, or if it's talking more about, how do I put this, Bear Fauna
iirc your setting does blend the continuum of pokemon intelligence, with some mons being of lesser intelligence, and interaction / training with humans sharpening that into personhood? I can't remember if that's for-sure or just projecting, and I know this is probably a sticking point for your internally given the talk about revamping the series as being less pokemon fanfic and more original urban fantasy right?

THAT SAID: I like the usage of language! I always found the bit about mareeps and sheeple a bit funny, it works in-favor of your narrative.

What a waste of the late spring season. These days should have warm sunshine while the air is still cool and dry. Nature should be shaking its grogginess from March and April, fully awakening to blossom and celebrating life in all its forms - plants, animals, wild mon. But here I walk under a sheet of hazy clouds too thin to bring rain, but too thick to let the warmth of the sun through. What a disgrace.

"disgrace"
I purely do not relate. Red needs to learn his bioregion's weather patterns better, and wait for the actual time he describes rather than going off vibes nyohohoo

Should I pick the bad brand? Would that be a good way to show I don’t care about the mon? No - wouldn’t that mean I do care, if I care enough to pick the wrong one on purpose? But if I pick the good brand, I’d feel like I did it because I didn’t have the heart to pick the bad one, that I was weak. But is it really weakness? It’s what I’m used to doing, it’s normal. And it’s not like the good brand even costs any more than the bad one.

"pronouns 2"
oh boy, the anxiety about getting a good grade in cultist and devotee, cmon buddy, just chill. it matters more that you have the conviction to do the thing when it's time, and you can probably slack a little here or there until then. it'd help you keep up the facade that much better!

I glance at the other people around me. They, too, wince every time the screaming surges in volume. But nothing more. They just stand and take it. And it just keeps going! I really can’t stress enough how horrible this is. This screech could put a victreebel to shame!

"babu and the babu is not you"
Yeahhhh this is why I bring bluetooth headphones. Red you could probably get noise cancelling headphones if you asked.
the inclusion of casual misanthropy / "children annoy me so it'd be okay to abuse them to resolve my problem with them if they were my property" fits the characterization you're trying to set, and depending on the reader might work to make Red a character they can relate to or empathize with (a lot of people have 'bad' feelings and 'edgy' thoughts, but don't act on them, and may even grow out of them, so it could work with an 18-25 demographic well I theorize)

What worthlessness! What thanklessness towards their ancestors! The ones that built their own shelters, hunted their own food, made their own rules, all for these meek mareep to take it for granted and worry about the utterly pointless instead! Humans used to struggle for survival, and now these overgrown infants take it on a silver platter. They’re domesticated. Inbred by good times to be harmless, lazy and stupid!

Those will become my prey. Prey I’ll chase into the aisles, prey I’ll catch and tear apart, consume.

"Red internally monologues"
Okay I'll admit, this is strongly characterizing him in a way conducive to what you're going for
it is also, I'll admit, long enough that my eyes briefly glazed over and went "oh god this is what he's like the entire series isn't it, inner monologues about hunter gatherers, sheeple, etc"
I do with morbid humor realize that the incel/chad visuals wrt Red and his ideals, were not a joke at all lol.

he REALLY is thinking about doing a mass killing at the grocery store, not even "wouldnt it be fucked up if someone tried that" paranoia but he feels the yearning to be the one to do it.
CAPITALISM MENTION LETS GOOOOOOOO

“Thirty-seven, forty-nine.”

"pricecheck on mass murder ideation"
LOVE it being briefly broken up by the total.
also chuckling at the errant thought of "if I got isekai'd into HHverse, I just need to swipe Red's credit card, I already have the pin number"

Gods, just… how could I lose all my rational thought like that? How did I not play that scenario to the end? Obviously I would've been shot, put down like a rabid animal, and then I would've been dead! Dead, dead, life over. No body for my soul, no brain to think with. Only the void. Endless, eternal void. Terrifying. And that's why it's important I don't let that happen to myself, why I should become the Bringer and ascend to divinity. Don't forget that.

"the void"
THERE WE GO, THERE'S THE NARRATIVE'S TENSION.
desire for self-control, desire for averting mortality, desire for personal power, desire for meaning in life, desire for agency and thus freedom from feeling trapped by his living situation
these are conflicts I expect are core to Red's character, annnnd he's wrapped himself up in cult shenanigans and serial killings to find any shred of that.

I don't want to risk snapping for real, so the secondary exit it is. I walk across the store to reach it and slip out. No one seems to be around, good --

"Excuse me, sir?"

Shit! I couldn't see that guy behind the pillar, and now he's stepped out to block my path. But this is also a free country, so I can just tell him to fuck off and be on my…

He raises the paper in his hand. The picture on it freezes me.

"Have you seen this woman?"

Against all odds - yes, yes I have.

In fact, I was the last person to ever see her.

I compare her face to the man's. There's an undeniable resemblance. Were you to stretch her out a bit, strengthen her jawline and stamp a permanent dopey expression on her face, you'd get this guy.

Before I've realized the importance of self-preservation over curiosity, I've let a question fly. "Who is she?"

"Oh, she's, um, my sister," he says. "Joanna. Sh-she's been missing for the past few weeks… almost two months…" His voice wavers between pre- and postpubescent.

"secondary exit"
LOVE that the concerned friends and family are covering both routes.
again, Red, this is why bluetooth headphones are great. or even noise-cancelling.
..Red Viridian isn't that far away.

hilariously the Dangit Ru Paul music changed over to a more dynamic song here. still casual bgm, but just more lively.

They won't make a difference, and even if they do, they'll still die. And what matters to the person after that? Nothing. They're dead, like everyone else will end up being.

Everyone except me.

"everyone except me"
ahhh memento mori, a good fit to fuel his journey.

Oh hey, I wasn't sure if Joanne's Yamask form would feature this soon, but this was a good way to integrate her into the narrative as quickly as possible.

Spoiler: closing thoughts

Overall I think this works as an opening chapter.
I think the prologue is a good fit for being a gory hook, and the first chapter as well.

I also think that the first chapter runs a little too close to the 5k mark. An opening chapter, depending on the genre / work, can serve its role best by being brief but enticing. I think having split the scene right around the inner monologue about the baby crying would've been a potential cliffhanger point, but might have also been unsatisfying if followed I worry.

As far as concrit goes, that's like... small potatoes I wanna say.
The worst an opener can do is be boring, and I wouldn't say this was terribly boring. It feels mundane, maybe slot, but the inner monologue's 'worst' moments? those break it up and show where the narrative has already been, and where it still has yet to go.

That said, with how long it is? The hook at the end with the yamask, not specifically named at any point, that's a good and compelling reason to start on the next chapter.

 

[canisaries]

oh wow, that's more revisions than I'd expected.
have you kept your old versions for posterity?

I think I may have old backup copies tucked somewhere, and some sites do have previous versions up, but I haven't specifically tried to preserve the older versions. They don't really have anything in them that I'd hate to lose.

I can't remember if the possession is factual or a delusion Red's engaging with to keep himself safe from his actions, but if I remember right he attempts an insanity plea later in the narrative (or was that in an earlier part of the timeline)

The insanity plea thing may have been some kind of spitballing I was doing because there are currently no plans for it. The possession is supposed to be factual, though. It isn't intended to be ambiguous, it just kind of turns out that way because the story is from Red's colorful perspective and it's easy to mistrust a guy like that.

I do wonder if that means teddiursa / ursaring / ursaluna line, or if it's talking more about, how do I put this, Bear Fauna
iirc your setting does blend the continuum of pokemon intelligence, with some mons being of lesser intelligence, and interaction / training with humans sharpening that into personhood? I can't remember if that's for-sure or just projecting, and I know this is probably a sticking point for your internally given the talk about revamping the series as being less pokemon fanfic and more original urban fantasy right?

It does mean the teddiursa line (though ursaluna wasn't a thing when I wrote that line, so I wasn't thinking of it), and the pokemon sapience thing is basically as you remember. In the originalized revamp (which has been completed, yay), only the ghost pokémon remain in the story, converted into general ghostly creatures, so the pokémon sapience thing plays little part in it.

Thanks for the review!

 

[Meridian]

(though ursaluna wasn't a thing when I wrote that line, so I wasn't thinking of it)

ye, I understood, just included them for posterity.