HelloYellow17
Gym Leader
- Pronouns
- She/Her
- Partners
-
*sits back in chair*
*takes a deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*
Here. We. GO.
Right off the bat, I’m in love with your scene-setting once again. The dialogue continues to remain top-notch, and the action scenes are just—WOW. Really stellar flow here, and I really enjoy the chapter lengths, too! I’m actually curious if you have a specific wordcount range you shoot for, or if you just kind of let it vary.
There were just a few moments where I was confused as to what was happening visually—which, considering how absolutely chaotic things got, may not be a bad thing, lol. I’ll point them out specifically below.
I love that I know exactly where Mark is with just one sentence.
And, as someone who deals with chronic headaches...what a mood.
...oh, nevermind. This is not just a regular headache. Doored by a car? Sure, Jan, whatever you say.
Hmmm getting some Magma vibes here, possibly? Mark is sus.Or should I say red is?
And—wow! So much information and world building all within the first few paragraphs, and it’s all so natural. Howwww do you do this, tell me your secrets!
Oh I am LOVING this insight on how gyms work, especially from the perspective of a gym trainer and not the gym leader. I loved the earlier implication that this was physically demanding for the trainers as well as the Pokémon, as evidenced by Hillary wiping sweat from her brow.
Oh? Gym-approved? What are the requirements for this, I wonder?
Oh I love the subtle yet telling details here. Solrock is used to more dangerous, less-orthodox fights, it seems. More Magma shenanigans, I suspect. Also...is this like a Protect shield of some kind, or maybe Reflect or Barrier? If it’s Protect, I wonder how difficult it is for Orwell to battle while maintaining a shield. Does it divide its concentration? Could this have a negative impact in a long battle? Hmm.
Overall, I appreciate that you don’t have trainers simply call out the moves as commands during a battle, and the visuals you give for each moved used are beautifully written. Though it might be nice to occasionally be informed of what move is being used, as it helps the reader instantly recognize what move is being used and takes some of the weight off of having to describe each one in detail. I found myself wondering what exactly was happening and what moves were being used throughout the battles. I don’t think using move names is a bad thing if used occasionally rather than constantly! But I realize this probably just comes down to personal preference, so take it with a grain of salt, haha.
Hmm a bit quick to underestimate her, are we?
This was a little jarring to me—it felt like we were inside Natalie’s head for a second. Maybe, “even her thoughts could be plainly read on her face.”
Lol major cat owner vibes. Humans do not own cats, cats own humans. This is the way.
Huh. I didn’t totally buy into this reaction. Sure, it’s annoying that he’s telling her to sit this one out, but Natalie didn’t give him even half a second to explain, and just immediately shuts him out. If I had known Natalie to be a fiery and super headstrong character by this point, it would have made more sense. As it stands, though, all I’ve seen from the first chapter is that she’s sort of a wallflower, an observer, and maybe a little bold and sassy, but I didn’t get “walk away from someone in the middle of a conversation” vibes from her.
Oh?? What an interesting tidbit here. Power-limiting technology! First I’ve seen anything like it in a fic, and honestly it’s a genius idea that makes a lot of sense. And it makes it all the more chilling that Natalie, a law-abiding citizen, knows that the officer is capable of turning it off in a heartbeat, as if it’s totally common and legal and not at all shady af. Oof.
Uh?? Masterballs??
I wasn’t aware that Natalie ever thought or suspected Mark was “all talk.” Until last chapter, she seemed to be nothing but curious and in awe of him. And again, I don’t entirely buy into her very sudden and intense dislike towards him for simply trying to warn her. Girl, if you’d stuck around for like ten more seconds, he could have explained himself...uh, maybe.
LOL this was great.
ooh interesting that the protesters are not actually on friendly terms with Magma. I kind of expected them to be one and the same, but it’s more realistic to see two groups with different methods here.
Oh. OH. Yikes this is sketchy AF. And apparently this is all totally ok for them to do and not considered questionable at all by the government...2020, is that you??
Missed a capital M here.
HA of course his code name is Ruby! And did I call it or what?Told you red was sus
[/QUOTE]
Ooh and here’s Team Aqua! I’m really excited to see how you explain their rivalry with Magma and what their motivations are.
Wow, this is totally unrealistic and not an accurate representation of real-life events at all! /s
also, as kint once said in a review of OSAS,sad 2020 noises
I’m really curious to know details about these events, especially Meteor Falls, since it’s been referenced so many times already! It’s clear these are related to environmental issues, and I love that you’re making it known that this is not just a Hoenn problem, but an everywhere problem.
Ooh. 😯 was NOT expecting that. Mark does not mess around.
This was a tad confusing, and I had to reread it once or twice to figure out that he was being jumped from behind. I don’t have any specific suggestions on how to make it clearer...but I think the second sentence was what I struggled with the most.
Oh, oh, OH, DID I CALL IT OR W H A T
I TAKE IT BACK, I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS
Omg. What a twist, and it’s only chapter FOUR, haha. Ohhh so her brother is head of ORCA and her potential love interest is in MGMA, and also possibly a higher-up? Juicy stuff, very juicy.
*takes a deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*
Here. We. GO.
Right off the bat, I’m in love with your scene-setting once again. The dialogue continues to remain top-notch, and the action scenes are just—WOW. Really stellar flow here, and I really enjoy the chapter lengths, too! I’m actually curious if you have a specific wordcount range you shoot for, or if you just kind of let it vary.
There were just a few moments where I was confused as to what was happening visually—which, considering how absolutely chaotic things got, may not be a bad thing, lol. I’ll point them out specifically below.
The locker room muffled the bellowing and crashing of sparring pokemon, but Mark's head throbbed with each vibration through the floor. It's gonna be a long day. The door opened as he was tossing down a couple of Ibuprofen.
I love that I know exactly where Mark is with just one sentence.
And, as someone who deals with chronic headaches...what a mood.
...oh, nevermind. This is not just a regular headache. Doored by a car? Sure, Jan, whatever you say.
Mark hadn't expected a lot from her, but he'd hoped a self-professed nature-lover would at least be interested in becoming more informed about what her employer was allowing to happen at Meteor Falls. He set his jaw, considering his words carefully. "I don't think Roxanne is a bad person. I just don't agree with everything she does. But I'm still part of the team. I won't bring it up again."
Hmmm getting some Magma vibes here, possibly? Mark is sus.
And—wow! So much information and world building all within the first few paragraphs, and it’s all so natural. Howwww do you do this, tell me your secrets!
The challenger sent out a lotad, who squinted in the sudden light, and Mark had to fight the urge to roll his eyes. He could tell by the way it moved that the lotad would be no match for any of his pokemon ... but his job was to filter out incompetent trainers, not to figure out who was actually skilled. His ratio of wins to losses had been too high this month, according to Roxanne. Higher than hers. So if a challenger demonstrated any kind of basic knowledge … he'd let them continue on and become her problem.
Oh I am LOVING this insight on how gyms work, especially from the perspective of a gym trainer and not the gym leader. I loved the earlier implication that this was physically demanding for the trainers as well as the Pokémon, as evidenced by Hillary wiping sweat from her brow.
Today, at least, he had plenty to think about.
There was only one gym-approved pokemon left for him to choose from.
Oh? Gym-approved? What are the requirements for this, I wonder?
With no command, the solrock took a defensive stance between him and Natalie, raising a shield of purple light over Mark like it did every time. He imagined that, from its perspective, there was no distinction between a gym battle and any other kind of fight. It was a good habit.
Mark felt his solrock's impulse to get between him and the mightyena—something that might have been anxiety if Orwell were a creature that felt emotions the way humans did.
Oh I love the subtle yet telling details here. Solrock is used to more dangerous, less-orthodox fights, it seems. More Magma shenanigans, I suspect. Also...is this like a Protect shield of some kind, or maybe Reflect or Barrier? If it’s Protect, I wonder how difficult it is for Orwell to battle while maintaining a shield. Does it divide its concentration? Could this have a negative impact in a long battle? Hmm.
Overall, I appreciate that you don’t have trainers simply call out the moves as commands during a battle, and the visuals you give for each moved used are beautifully written. Though it might be nice to occasionally be informed of what move is being used, as it helps the reader instantly recognize what move is being used and takes some of the weight off of having to describe each one in detail. I found myself wondering what exactly was happening and what moves were being used throughout the battles. I don’t think using move names is a bad thing if used occasionally rather than constantly! But I realize this probably just comes down to personal preference, so take it with a grain of salt, haha.
He wasn't sure if he was more pleased to finally allow himself his first win of the shift or disappointed to have made such quick work of her.
Hmm a bit quick to underestimate her, are we?
Natalie started to shoot back a reply but stopped herself, frowning—even her thoughts were loud.
This was a little jarring to me—it felt like we were inside Natalie’s head for a second. Maybe, “even her thoughts could be plainly read on her face.”
"I don't think he's my anything. He's made it clear I'm his."
Lol major cat owner vibes. Humans do not own cats, cats own humans. This is the way.
The instant the words left his mouth, Mark knew that they'd been the wrong ones.
Natalie crossed her arms and cocked her hip. "I'm not scared of ugly."
No, fuck—there had to be something else he could—
She drew in a sharp breath and said, "You know, it's okay. I'll figure it out. I'll see you around, maybe." Without waiting for him to answer, she whistled for her pokemon and cut down another street.
Huh. I didn’t totally buy into this reaction. Sure, it’s annoying that he’s telling her to sit this one out, but Natalie didn’t give him even half a second to explain, and just immediately shuts him out. If I had known Natalie to be a fiery and super headstrong character by this point, it would have made more sense. As it stands, though, all I’ve seen from the first chapter is that she’s sort of a wallflower, an observer, and maybe a little bold and sassy, but I didn’t get “walk away from someone in the middle of a conversation” vibes from her.
She stole a glance at his manectric, outfitted in a gray harness that matched the police uniform. It wore a power-limiter collar, almost like a pet's, except she knew the limiter on this one could be turned off completely with a clicker in the officer's pocket.
Oh?? What an interesting tidbit here. Power-limiting technology! First I’ve seen anything like it in a fic, and honestly it’s a genius idea that makes a lot of sense. And it makes it all the more chilling that Natalie, a law-abiding citizen, knows that the officer is capable of turning it off in a heartbeat, as if it’s totally common and legal and not at all shady af. Oof.
The cop laid a hand on one of several solid black masterballs hooked to his belt beside his holster and handcuffs.
Uh?? Masterballs??
And, ha, there was no sign of Mark either. He really was all talk in the end.
A private chant started in Natalie's heart: No badges, no way! No bullshit, not today! Screw Mark, but it was still a good phrase.
I wasn’t aware that Natalie ever thought or suspected Mark was “all talk.” Until last chapter, she seemed to be nothing but curious and in awe of him. And again, I don’t entirely buy into her very sudden and intense dislike towards him for simply trying to warn her. Girl, if you’d stuck around for like ten more seconds, he could have explained himself...uh, maybe.
Whoever had the speakers on their bike had started blasting, "Roxanne! Put on the red light!" Natalie grinned.
LOL this was great.
Finally, one of the protesters called out over a bullhorn, "This is a peaceful protest!"
ooh interesting that the protesters are not actually on friendly terms with Magma. I kind of expected them to be one and the same, but it’s more realistic to see two groups with different methods here.
Masterballs glinted through the smoke. Lights blinked in and out as the red bloc recalled their own pokemon rather than lose them to a police masterball—only to send them back out in a new spot.
Oh. OH. Yikes this is sketchy AF. And apparently this is all totally ok for them to do and not considered questionable at all by the government...2020, is that you??
It took her a moment to catch the blue sparks spraying up from the crowd. manectric.
Missed a capital M here.
She barely heard the reply over the wailing sirens: "Copy that, Ruby. We'll follow you out shortly."
HA of course his code name is Ruby! And did I call it or what?
[/QUOTE]
She jolted, though she was well used to seeing the symbol of the ORCA, the so-called Ocean Rescue and Climate Avengers, on walls around her hometown. She didn't know they were active this far west.
Ooh and here’s Team Aqua! I’m really excited to see how you explain their rivalry with Magma and what their motivations are.
But even as that thought simmered in her gut, another rose up: I had to. They were sending pokemon against people who had none of their own, some of them younger than Natalie by her estimate. That girl with the knee brace … she couldn't have weighed more than a hundred pounds, if that.
Wow, this is totally unrealistic and not an accurate representation of real-life events at all! /s
also, as kint once said in a review of OSAS,
It's bigger than Meteor Falls. This is happening everywhere—look at the Cerulean Power Plant disaster, the Sinnoh mines, fucking Virbank. It's killing us and nobody fucking cares.
I’m really curious to know details about these events, especially Meteor Falls, since it’s been referenced so many times already! It’s clear these are related to environmental issues, and I love that you’re making it known that this is not just a Hoenn problem, but an everywhere problem.
Mark shouted above the noise, "Back off or I'll break her arm!"
Ooh. 😯 was NOT expecting that. Mark does not mess around.
The air temperature dropped. Mark's grip loosened, and she felt him turn to look behind them. And then the surrounding shadows coalesced into something with weight and teeth, and it tore through the light shield to slam into Mark sidelong.
This was a tad confusing, and I had to reread it once or twice to figure out that he was being jumped from behind. I don’t have any specific suggestions on how to make it clearer...but I think the second sentence was what I struggled with the most.
Natalie sat up and found herself facing the graying muzzle of a mightyena missing the top of its right ear. She choked. "Justice?"
His tail thumped—only once, but still. This was her brother's mightyena, and he remembered her, too.
"What are you doing here?" She dug her fingers into the fur on either side of his face. "Where's Bubba?"
Oh, oh, OH, DID I CALL IT OR W H A T
The man who crouched with the bleeding woman sighed and stood. He wasn't tall but he was stocky, and he moved like someone who knew his own power. The edges of a dark beard showed under his blue and white bandanna, and above it his eyes were green. Like Natalie's. The beard was new, but still she recognized him the instant before he spoke.
"It's me, Small Fry," said Archie.
I TAKE IT BACK, I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS
Omg. What a twist, and it’s only chapter FOUR, haha. Ohhh so her brother is head of ORCA and her potential love interest is in MGMA, and also possibly a higher-up? Juicy stuff, very juicy.