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HelloYellow17

Gym Leader
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. suicune
  2. umbreon
  3. mew
  4. lycanroc-wes
  5. leafeon-rui
*sits back in chair*

*takes a deep breath*

*cracks knuckles*

Here. We. GO.

Right off the bat, I’m in love with your scene-setting once again. The dialogue continues to remain top-notch, and the action scenes are just—WOW. Really stellar flow here, and I really enjoy the chapter lengths, too! I’m actually curious if you have a specific wordcount range you shoot for, or if you just kind of let it vary.

There were just a few moments where I was confused as to what was happening visually—which, considering how absolutely chaotic things got, may not be a bad thing, lol. I’ll point them out specifically below.

The locker room muffled the bellowing and crashing of sparring pokemon, but Mark's head throbbed with each vibration through the floor. It's gonna be a long day. The door opened as he was tossing down a couple of Ibuprofen.

I love that I know exactly where Mark is with just one sentence.
And, as someone who deals with chronic headaches...what a mood.

...oh, nevermind. This is not just a regular headache. Doored by a car? Sure, Jan, whatever you say.

Mark hadn't expected a lot from her, but he'd hoped a self-professed nature-lover would at least be interested in becoming more informed about what her employer was allowing to happen at Meteor Falls. He set his jaw, considering his words carefully. "I don't think Roxanne is a bad person. I just don't agree with everything she does. But I'm still part of the team. I won't bring it up again."

Hmmm getting some Magma vibes here, possibly? Mark is sus. Or should I say red is?

And—wow! So much information and world building all within the first few paragraphs, and it’s all so natural. Howwww do you do this, tell me your secrets!


The challenger sent out a lotad, who squinted in the sudden light, and Mark had to fight the urge to roll his eyes. He could tell by the way it moved that the lotad would be no match for any of his pokemon ... but his job was to filter out incompetent trainers, not to figure out who was actually skilled. His ratio of wins to losses had been too high this month, according to Roxanne. Higher than hers. So if a challenger demonstrated any kind of basic knowledge … he'd let them continue on and become her problem.

Oh I am LOVING this insight on how gyms work, especially from the perspective of a gym trainer and not the gym leader. I loved the earlier implication that this was physically demanding for the trainers as well as the Pokémon, as evidenced by Hillary wiping sweat from her brow.

Today, at least, he had plenty to think about.
There was only one gym-approved pokemon left for him to choose from.

Oh? Gym-approved? What are the requirements for this, I wonder?

With no command, the solrock took a defensive stance between him and Natalie, raising a shield of purple light over Mark like it did every time. He imagined that, from its perspective, there was no distinction between a gym battle and any other kind of fight. It was a good habit.

Mark felt his solrock's impulse to get between him and the mightyena—something that might have been anxiety if Orwell were a creature that felt emotions the way humans did.

Oh I love the subtle yet telling details here. Solrock is used to more dangerous, less-orthodox fights, it seems. More Magma shenanigans, I suspect. Also...is this like a Protect shield of some kind, or maybe Reflect or Barrier? If it’s Protect, I wonder how difficult it is for Orwell to battle while maintaining a shield. Does it divide its concentration? Could this have a negative impact in a long battle? Hmm.


Overall, I appreciate that you don’t have trainers simply call out the moves as commands during a battle, and the visuals you give for each moved used are beautifully written. Though it might be nice to occasionally be informed of what move is being used, as it helps the reader instantly recognize what move is being used and takes some of the weight off of having to describe each one in detail. I found myself wondering what exactly was happening and what moves were being used throughout the battles. I don’t think using move names is a bad thing if used occasionally rather than constantly! But I realize this probably just comes down to personal preference, so take it with a grain of salt, haha.

He wasn't sure if he was more pleased to finally allow himself his first win of the shift or disappointed to have made such quick work of her.

Hmm a bit quick to underestimate her, are we?

Natalie started to shoot back a reply but stopped herself, frowning—even her thoughts were loud.

This was a little jarring to me—it felt like we were inside Natalie’s head for a second. Maybe, “even her thoughts could be plainly read on her face.”

"I don't think he's my anything. He's made it clear I'm his."

Lol major cat owner vibes. Humans do not own cats, cats own humans. This is the way.

The instant the words left his mouth, Mark knew that they'd been the wrong ones.

Natalie crossed her arms and cocked her hip. "I'm not scared of ugly."

No, fuck—there had to be something else he could—

She drew in a sharp breath and said, "You know, it's okay. I'll figure it out. I'll see you around, maybe." Without waiting for him to answer, she whistled for her pokemon and cut down another street.

Huh. I didn’t totally buy into this reaction. Sure, it’s annoying that he’s telling her to sit this one out, but Natalie didn’t give him even half a second to explain, and just immediately shuts him out. If I had known Natalie to be a fiery and super headstrong character by this point, it would have made more sense. As it stands, though, all I’ve seen from the first chapter is that she’s sort of a wallflower, an observer, and maybe a little bold and sassy, but I didn’t get “walk away from someone in the middle of a conversation” vibes from her.

She stole a glance at his manectric, outfitted in a gray harness that matched the police uniform. It wore a power-limiter collar, almost like a pet's, except she knew the limiter on this one could be turned off completely with a clicker in the officer's pocket.

Oh?? What an interesting tidbit here. Power-limiting technology! First I’ve seen anything like it in a fic, and honestly it’s a genius idea that makes a lot of sense. And it makes it all the more chilling that Natalie, a law-abiding citizen, knows that the officer is capable of turning it off in a heartbeat, as if it’s totally common and legal and not at all shady af. Oof.

The cop laid a hand on one of several solid black masterballs hooked to his belt beside his holster and handcuffs.

Uh?? Masterballs??

And, ha, there was no sign of Mark either. He really was all talk in the end.

A private chant started in Natalie's heart: No badges, no way! No bullshit, not today! Screw Mark, but it was still a good phrase.

I wasn’t aware that Natalie ever thought or suspected Mark was “all talk.” Until last chapter, she seemed to be nothing but curious and in awe of him. And again, I don’t entirely buy into her very sudden and intense dislike towards him for simply trying to warn her. Girl, if you’d stuck around for like ten more seconds, he could have explained himself...uh, maybe.


Whoever had the speakers on their bike had started blasting, "Roxanne! Put on the red light!" Natalie grinned.

LOL this was great.

Finally, one of the protesters called out over a bullhorn, "This is a peaceful protest!"

ooh interesting that the protesters are not actually on friendly terms with Magma. I kind of expected them to be one and the same, but it’s more realistic to see two groups with different methods here.

Masterballs glinted through the smoke. Lights blinked in and out as the red bloc recalled their own pokemon rather than lose them to a police masterball—only to send them back out in a new spot.

Oh. OH. Yikes this is sketchy AF. And apparently this is all totally ok for them to do and not considered questionable at all by the government...2020, is that you??

It took her a moment to catch the blue sparks spraying up from the crowd. manectric.

Missed a capital M here.

She barely heard the reply over the wailing sirens: "Copy that, Ruby. We'll follow you out shortly."

HA of course his code name is Ruby! And did I call it or what? Told you red was sus

[/QUOTE]

She jolted, though she was well used to seeing the symbol of the ORCA, the so-called Ocean Rescue and Climate Avengers, on walls around her hometown. She didn't know they were active this far west.

Ooh and here’s Team Aqua! I’m really excited to see how you explain their rivalry with Magma and what their motivations are.

But even as that thought simmered in her gut, another rose up: I had to. They were sending pokemon against people who had none of their own, some of them younger than Natalie by her estimate. That girl with the knee brace … she couldn't have weighed more than a hundred pounds, if that.

Wow, this is totally unrealistic and not an accurate representation of real-life events at all! /s

also, as kint once said in a review of OSAS, sad 2020 noises


It's bigger than Meteor Falls. This is happening everywhere—look at the Cerulean Power Plant disaster, the Sinnoh mines, fucking Virbank. It's killing us and nobody fucking cares.

I’m really curious to know details about these events, especially Meteor Falls, since it’s been referenced so many times already! It’s clear these are related to environmental issues, and I love that you’re making it known that this is not just a Hoenn problem, but an everywhere problem.

Mark shouted above the noise, "Back off or I'll break her arm!"

Ooh. 😯 was NOT expecting that. Mark does not mess around.

The air temperature dropped. Mark's grip loosened, and she felt him turn to look behind them. And then the surrounding shadows coalesced into something with weight and teeth, and it tore through the light shield to slam into Mark sidelong.

This was a tad confusing, and I had to reread it once or twice to figure out that he was being jumped from behind. I don’t have any specific suggestions on how to make it clearer...but I think the second sentence was what I struggled with the most.

Natalie sat up and found herself facing the graying muzzle of a mightyena missing the top of its right ear. She choked. "Justice?"

His tail thumped—only once, but still. This was her brother's mightyena, and he remembered her, too.

"What are you doing here?" She dug her fingers into the fur on either side of his face. "Where's Bubba?"

Oh, oh, OH, DID I CALL IT OR W H A T


The man who crouched with the bleeding woman sighed and stood. He wasn't tall but he was stocky, and he moved like someone who knew his own power. The edges of a dark beard showed under his blue and white bandanna, and above it his eyes were green. Like Natalie's. The beard was new, but still she recognized him the instant before he spoke.

"It's me, Small Fry," said Archie.

I TAKE IT BACK, I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS

Omg. What a twist, and it’s only chapter FOUR, haha. Ohhh so her brother is head of ORCA and her potential love interest is in MGMA, and also possibly a higher-up? Juicy stuff, very juicy.
 

WildBoots

Don’t underestimate seeds.
Location
smol scream
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. moka-mark
  2. solrock
Oh hi!! Thanks so much for stopping by (and for the stat-boost on FFN, too!)

Really stellar flow here, and I really enjoy the chapter lengths, too! I’m actually curious if you have a specific wordcount range you shoot for, or if you just kind of let it vary.
Haaa so about that ... they get longer! I prefer for my chapters to land between 3-5k, but some of these just wanted what they wanted. I try to make each chapter cover an arc or a moment of change/realization. Sometimes it takes more words to get there, sometimes less. This story has a lot of moving pieces, so I shouldn’t be surprised that the chapters have gotten longer lately. There’s a lot to unpack.

I loved the earlier implication that this was physically demanding for the trainers as well as the Pokémon,
Yes and no! As you can see in later chapters, the intensity knob can dial up way higher than this. But there’s still, like, fire and rockslides and going up and down a bunch of stairs so. Maybe less chill than an office job.

Oh? Gym-approved? What are the requirements for this, I wonder?
Only half his team are actual rock-types! (Though the darmanitan is kind of also a rock, too.)

Oh I love the subtle yet telling details here. Solrock is used to more dangerous, less-orthodox fights, it seems. More Magma shenanigans, I suspect. Also...is this like a Protect shield of some kind, or maybe Reflect or Barrier? If it’s Protect, I wonder how difficult it is for Orwell to battle while maintaining a shield. Does it divide its concentration? Could this have a negative impact in a long battle? Hmm.
Good eye, yes! It’s sort of a hybrid between reflect/barrier/protect. (This is part of why I avoid move names: not only do they sound a bit unnatural to me, but I am also interested in bending them a lot.) Ore can hold up a shield for a while, but not against a dark-type move. There are other things that mess it up immediately ... but I’ll leave those to be discovered.

Huh. I didn’t totally buy into this reaction.
That’s fair! I’ll revisit it and expand that interaction a little.

Uh?? Masterballs??
Yes indeed!!!

I wasn’t aware that Natalie ever thought or suspected Mark was “all talk.” Until last chapter, she seemed to be nothing but curious and in awe of him. And again, I don’t entirely buy into her very sudden and intense dislike towards him for simply trying to warn her. Girl, if you’d stuck around for like ten more seconds, he could have explained himself...uh, maybe.
As I said, I’ll tweak this, but the vibe I intended is that she rightly starts to feel like he’s trying to control her. And lol @ being able to explain himself. “Trust me, I know: I’m a criminal.”

And it makes it all the more chilling that Natalie, a law-abiding citizen, knows that the officer is capable of turning it off in a heartbeat, as if it’s totally common and legal and not at all shady af. Oof.
Hmmm I actually wonder if Natalie, law-abiding citizen, would know this. I’ll adjust a little.

Oh. OH. Yikes this is sketchy AF. And apparently this is all totally ok for them to do and not considered questionable at all by the government...2020, is that you??
🙃 It’s definitely not NOT 2020, but I wrote the first version of this scene in 2018, and the protest itself is inspired by one in 2016. These patterns stretch back forever. 💔

HA of course his code name is Ruby! And did I call it or what? Told you red was sus
This comes up again in a later chapter, but Ruby is actually the entire unit! I went for Ru-words for Rustboro. Glad you got a kick out of the joke. ;)

I’m really curious to know details about these events, especially Meteor Falls,
Well, I’ve got good news for you! Chapters 12 and 13 have a lot to say about Meteor Falls and what’s happening there. 🙃 Virbank gets explored in Chapter 8.

This was a tad confusing, and I had to reread it once or twice to figure out that he was being jumped from behind. I don’t have any specific suggestions on how to make it clearer...but I think the second sentence was what I struggled with the most.
That’s fair! I’ve been defaulting to leaving it because Natalie is confused here. I know this battle is hard to follow in ways the others aren’t, though. May loop back around to it eventually.

I TAKE IT BACK, I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS
:quag:

her potential love interest is in MGMA
You’re not wrong—it’s not a spoiler if it’s in the tags!—but hooooooold that thought. I’ve outlined up to where they start playing nice with each other (read: stop trying to kill each other) but we’ve got a ways to go. If I continue at my current pace, we’ll be there in May or June. 🙃

Ooh and here’s Team Aqua! I’m really excited to see how you explain their rivalry with Magma and what their motivations are.
This one, too. We’ll definitely learn more about Aqua’s vibe and meet some of them soon, but I still haven’t fully unpacked their agenda for the audience. Mark knows more about what Magma is doing than Natalie does about what her brother is doing. She doesn’t know anything, poor baby. And until chapter 14, Aqua is more preoccupied with responding to Magma’s shit than stirring up its own. But they do, in fact, have lots of very good ideas we can all enjoy watching play out. 🙃

Thanks for catching a couple errors there! I’ll address them as soon as I can. Meanwhile, I’m glad you’ve been enjoying the story so far! Always a joy to watch people react to the revelation about Nat’s brother.
 

WildBoots

Don’t underestimate seeds.
Location
smol scream
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. moka-mark
  2. solrock
Got dogpiled by notifications while I slept and almost missed this treasure trove of one-liners. See? This is why we don’t sleep.

I relinquish to qva the sheer honor of the crowning the lit fortnite yeet floss dab upon Mark and will have to make my career in shitposting in other ways.
You’ve had a really solid career.

Compared to other battles in Mark's head it's clear that his head isn't all in it here; he's distracted and off his game. He wants to get into the battle, and there's times where it traps him in, but it feels like he keeps getting sucked into rabbit holes he wouldn't have looked at otherwise
Well said, yes! And it’s what made it such a nightmare to write: I had to try to keep track of fifteen things, too!

we get to see that Mark and Cora are out of place--starting to understand why you have so many people here who aren't from Hoenn.
Yessss
Sad Montag noises. Easy to keep people on your agenda when they don’t know enough to ask questions. Or care enough.

It's a lot easier to knock down a mountainside (pop quiz: cops or magma?? who wore it better?)
Yyyyyyup
Glad you noticed that detail, too.

you wouldn't capitalize human or--
I actually saw this right after I finished correcting the new typos Pen spotted, lol. Fixed in my copy, will update soon.

god, was your beta drunk or something when they looked at this? jesus. sloppy af.
It took me forever to even see what you were talking about. Sneaky!!

I wanted it to be like, "leave the outcome of this fight to ride on her passion" instead of "leave this fight"
Good idea!

making a whole lotta good assumptions this chapter
Right. It’s bad behavior—and even his attempts to fix it here are white knighting at best—but I think it’s been necessary for him to have a certain level of blinders on to keep moving forward. Ironic, considering how much time he spends being annoyed with other people for not being woke enough.

this too--of course he doesn't remember that they've been besieged for days if not weeks. Of course he doesn't think they know.
I think he knows they know, but he doesn’t understand why they keep protesting anyway instead of doing something more intense. The next chapter you haven’t already read will tackle his arrest history and a bit about home, so I think we’ll dig into this a little more, maybe.

what's a little collateral damage between friends???
Nothing to say to this but it made me laugh.

questions no one wants to answer, but like, is the pokeball on the ground now? somewhere in the middle? does it bounce back? he's throwing it so like, it's gotta land ...
You’re right: definitely a question I don’t want to answer. 🤣 I assume it bounces back, probably. A rare instance of me using anime rules.

Though Pano was pointing out that the ground is also probably covered in masterballs at this point and someone could totally grab one and ... (sad metagross sounds). That one I should probably try to address.
 

HelloYellow17

Gym Leader
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. suicune
  2. umbreon
  3. mew
  4. lycanroc-wes
  5. leafeon-rui
Aaaand I’m back for more! No way was I staying away for very long after that chapter 4 cliffhanger!

You do an excellent job with the parallels between Mark’s methods/beliefs and Natalie’s. It’s honestly fascinating to see the inner workings of both ORCA and MGMA from two very different perspectives, and boy does it make the comparisons so fun!

Mark supposed it wouldn't hurt for a friend to know where he was, just in case, so he told her which hospital. By the time he was allowed to leave with his care instructions (dropped into the first trash can he passed), Cora already sat in the waiting room. Not exactly surprising to see her, but he hadn't expected her to come alone.


PFFF I totally see why you compare Mark and Wes, haha. What? Responsibly caring for your injuries and mental health after a near-death experience? Nah. Better keep on trucking with those Bad Decisions.

From the dark crisscross of tattoos up her arms to her torn right earlobe and badly dyed pink hair, Cora looked too wild to be allowed to sit in the waiting room, flipping casually through an old edition of Trainer Today. Maybe to a stranger, she came off as no different than any other trainer who had been too long on the road. Messy hair, dirty sneakers, some bad judgment with facial piercings—all of that was acceptable in trainers, charming even. But then, a stranger wouldn't know the story behind the torn earlobe, the earring ripped out in a back alley fight. And he'd seen what she'd done afterward to the person responsible.

Nothing to see here, I’m just fangirling over how marvelous this paragraph is! Beautifully vivid descriptions, glimpses of past memories that give us a feel for her personality, and even her body language is telling about what kind of person she is. I’m in love with this character already, and even without the illustrations you provide (which are AMAZING, by the way!) I can clearly envision what she looks like. Amazing.

He wanted his people ready for another fight if necessary, not staggering around drunk—calling attention to themselves at best, getting picked up by the police at worst.

“His people,” so I was right in thinking he had some form of authority in the team!

His thoughts flashed to Natalie, how guileless she had seemed, so eager to prove herself. And maybe that part had been sincere, but it was ORCA she was eager to impress. A new recruit, probably. Idiot, he scolded himself again, clenching his teeth. He let out a long, slow breath.

Welp, based off his reaction in chapter 4, I definitely saw this coming. Oh boy. Things can only go downhill from here. I’m suuuuure there won’t be more misunderstandings down the road that pile on top of each other. Yeah. Nah, that won’t happen.

His feet turned automatically to the Medicines and Wound Care aisle. After running a quick mental tally, he loaded his shopping basket with a ten-pack of store-brand potions, extra strength. Not for the first or the last time, Mark wished he could simply drop his belt off at the nearest pokemon center. But it would be a challenge to explain why all of his pokeballs were registered to trainer IDs that were scrambled strings of letters and numbers instead of his own name.

oh?? Are his Pokémon stolen, then, or obtained in some other illegal way? Or perhaps the I.D. was deliberately scrambled so they couldn’t be traced back to him?


Hard to swallow the idea of making a part of it a little shittier, even for the sake of giving DevCo a black eye.

Hmm, harming the environment to prevent further harm to the environment. Sounds counter-intuitive, but if you feel there is no other choice, what do you do? Can’t say I agree with such methods, but I don’t exactly disagree, either. I like the moral ambiguity that you’ve hinted at here, and I’m sure ORCA has their own...unorthodox methods.


She bent to examine the one decoration he'd taped up, a photo over the desk. "This your sister? She looks like you."

"Mm."

"Is she the sick one?"

"The cellist." He didn't like the pitying look that crossed Cora's face.

I find it rather telling that he chooses to identify her as a cellist and not as a sick patient. It’s a simple and subtle thing, but tells us a lot about how he feels about his sister.


The two of them exchanged a look that Natalie couldn't read, and then he broke into a grin. "You worry too much." Then he gave in to her pull and bent for a swift kiss.

Natalie looked away. She wasn't usually a prude—when hostel talk devolved into never-have-I-ever, she was the one who would send the others into scandalized laughter, determinedly unafraid of laying the personal bare. But this was Bubba. She squirmed thinking of all the people who'd managed to seize some piece of him, who had shared meals and plans and more with him, while Natalie and her parents were left wondering whether he was even alive. He'd built an entire life without them.

Ouch. That would be so alienating. Hey, Natalie, look! It’s your brother that’s been missing for ten years that you suspected was dead! And he’s moved on with his life without bothering to contact you or your family! And he’s a very different person now! Yeah, I’d be having a hard time, too.

"It wasn't anything personal against you, Natalie," Archie added more gently. "None of this. But what was I supposed to say? Fuck you and your politics, but say hi to the kid for me?"

Natalie studied her brother's face. He used to look so much like Dad, but the full and curly beard changed the shape of his jaw. Already, a few grays were scattered throughout his dark hair. Maybe he was right—he wasn't Archie anymore.

Dad would be heartbroken if he knew.

Oof. This hurts for a multitude of reasons: that he was so convinced his dad would still hate him after believing him to be dead for ten years instead of, you know, just being happy that he’s alive; the fact that Natalie agrees with this idea; the fact that he’s so different now his family would barely recognize him; the fact that he seems so unapologetic about it all. There doesn’t appear to be much remorse in him for leaving his family with no warning, though I suspect he’s just buried it deep.


"I don't need you to understand, Natalie," said Sinbad. "I got you out of Rustboro and made sure you're safe from Magma along the way—I owe you that much. But if you want to part ways when we dock, so be it. That's not on me anymore." Then he took his own advice and began to eat.

"You're not gonna try to convince me to join you?"

He took his time chewing before he answered. "If you're not willing to put your life on the line for this, it isn't for you. And we don't want anyone we have to babysit."

Jeez, this is all so formal and impersonal. He still seems to care about Natalie, but he’s pretty awful at showing it.


She crossed her arms to stop them from shaking, painfully aware of all the eyes on her. "Why couldn't you just talk to me?" To her horror, a single, hot tear slipped out. She quickly swiped it away, but her mouth kept quivering.

"I'm sorry, Small Fry."

At that, her tears started flowing in earnest.

"I really am sorry," he repeated.

Natalie wanted to hit him. She wanted to scream at him and at each one of the silently staring crew. Instead, she crumpled against him. After a moment he patted her on the back.

She clung to him with desperate force, feeling every bit the kid she'd been when he vanished. But he even smelled wrong, like unfamiliar detergent and alcohol. No matter how tightly she squeezed, she couldn't seem to bridge the gap between the words he'd written ten years ago and the person he'd become—or maybe always had been.

When at last she calmed her breath, he pulled away first.


Oh, Natalie, my poor girl. That last paragraph was painful, and that final sentence hit like a punch to the gut. Both sum up the content of this chapter: Archie is a totally different person now, and is so disconnected from his family and the guy he used to be. It can’t even be said if this is a good thing or a bad thing; it just is, and it has its pros and cons with it. He’s more aware of the issues in the world and is finally doing something about it, but in doing so he had to sacrifice his relationship with his family and resorted to questionable methods.

LOTS of gray areas and moral ambiguity in this story! And, honestly? I love it! I love stories that make you think, that place the reader in a position where they have to weigh the conflicts and ponder what their stance would be, what they would resort to if in the same situation. And you pull this off beautifully!
 

Navar

Professional Mudkip Lover
Location
Brazil
Pronouns
He/Him
Partners
  1. swampert
  2. chesnaught-apron
  3. lucario-mega
Hi OSJ, Navar here! Like I said, I’m gonna read more of your story, this time I’m reading two chapters, hopefully you’ll enjoy this review. I’m craving for some Hoenn stuff today, so this fic will hopefully satiate that! This is mostly live, I’ll write my thoughts just as I read the scenes, so yeah. Anyway, time for me to make the review, here I go!

Chapter 2

Still in Rustboro, I see. And Roxanne was fighting a trainer with a Grovyle? Hm, kinda interesting to see someone with the second stage right at the first gym, haha.

Okay, so Mark works for Roxanne, did I get that right? He seems pretty confident, battling in a rock gym against a grass/water Pokémon…

Aww, teenagers being idealists was such a sweet moment, I loved that you did that, hehe.

Alright, that moment between Natalie and Mark was nice, and then they began a battle. I’m with Mark on this one, I didn’t expect her to bring out a Mightyena, but uh, nice choice, love that hyena/dog mon. As for the battle itself, simple, but worked enough for me to enjoy it, as Mark and Natalie used strategies, of course.

I’m impressed with Natalie here, she fought hard and won in the end, that’s really nice, the bond she has with her Mightyena is strong, I can tell. Also, a plastic token? Didn't expect that either, but nonetheless, a good way to write how she’s gonna have the badge(if she is even gonna win this challenge, which I hope she does)

Another bonding moment between them. Hm, a Liepard in Hoenn? This struck me as odd, but I quite enjoyed this, nice to see unovan Pokémon, love that region.

Okay, whoa, Mark’s going on protests?! That’s… whoa. I’m really impressed with that part, I guess he’s the type of guy to do that, which is totally valid! And he doesn’t want Natalie to go, this is getting more interesting every second, I really think something’s gonna happen during that protest… Well, going for the next chapter now!

Chapter 3

Red? As in, the trainer? Hehe, this is gonna be good!

Another Pokémon from Unova, this one, though, makes me wonder about the ethics of traded Pokémon. Imagine giving your pet just so it can evolve into a bigger form. Oh well, I got a bit sidetracked there, but I’ll keep reading now.

OH MY GOD A MANECTRIC WITH A POLICE OUTFIT, ADORABLE! Seriously, I screamed at the screen, that Pokémon is in every single playthrough of gen 3 I do, such a good puppy! As for the cop, uh, he doesn’t look friendly, I have to say that.

Okay, protest scene! Loved the descriptions here, especially of all the people there(also, an Aggron! Another one of my favorites from Hoenn!) and clearly there’s some huge thing about the weather going on. Dare I say… Team Magma/Aqua? If Erica says there’s something wrong, is she working for them? This is just me theorizing, btw. I’m probably way off track here, but it’s fun to make theories.

Now, still during the protest, this scene is very interesting, a worldbuilding moment that I loved to read, especially that comment on how Spitfire is a funny name, loved that. Natalie has a strong personality.

Aaaand the cops are being stupid, yeah, they’re protesting, but isn’t that like, legal? They’re allowed to protest for a better life. Oh man, this is exciting, I need to see how this story will go!

YES TEAM MAGMA TO THE RESCUE! They’re helping the others, this makes me wonder if they’re just doing it to get a good rep, or if they’re actually good guys in this fic. Regardless, I’m excited to read more about this.
 

WildBoots

Don’t underestimate seeds.
Location
smol scream
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. moka-mark
  2. solrock
Wow, what a treat! Thanks, @HelloYellow17 & @Navarchu !

Aaaand I’m back for more! No way was I staying away for very long after that chapter 4 cliffhanger!
Oh wow, you came back so much quicker than I expected! Glad it held your attention! :D

You do an excellent job with the parallels between Mark’s methods/beliefs and Natalie’s. It’s honestly fascinating to see the inner workings of both ORCA and MGMA from two very different perspectives, and boy does it make the comparisons so fun!
Oh, it's so fun. My favorite is drawing parallels and contrasts between the two of them. In some ways, they're total opposites. In others, they're more similar than they'd like to believe. Chapter 8 does it really heavily.

PFFF I totally see why you compare Mark and Wes, haha.
Oof, I really need to get caught up! But from what I can tell so far, they're totally kindred spirits, haha.

Better keep on trucking with those Bad Decisions.
Whaaaaaat? Only Good DecisionsTM here!!

Nothing to see here, I’m just fangirling over how marvelous this paragraph is! Beautifully vivid descriptions, glimpses of past memories that give us a feel for her personality, and even her body language is telling about what kind of person she is. I’m in love with this character already, and even without the illustrations you provide (which are AMAZING, by the way!) I can clearly envision what she looks like. Amazing.
Ahh, thank you! I really enjoy Cora, hahaha. And this isn't the last of her yet!

“His people,” so I was right in thinking he had some form of authority in the team!
Yes! More on that in the most recent chapter!

oh?? Are his Pokémon stolen, then, or obtained in some other illegal way? Or perhaps the I.D. was deliberately scrambled so they couldn’t be traced back to him?
You're so smart! It's the last one. They're definitely his, but you wouldn't want to be linked to a crime because of a pokeball.

Hmm, harming the environment to prevent further harm to the environment. Sounds counter-intuitive, but if you feel there is no other choice, what do you do? Can’t say I agree with such methods, but I don’t exactly disagree, either. I like the moral ambiguity that you’ve hinted at here, and I’m sure ORCA has their own...unorthodox methods
Yeah, this is where Magma and I stop seeing eye-to-eye, haha. Causing an oil spill is a really, truly, terrible idea. But! I do get the frustration when nothing is working and nothing changes. This story has some questions about what it means to do "enough" and when ends justify the means ... and when they don't.

Oof. This hurts for a multitude of reasons: that he was so convinced his dad would still hate him after believing him to be dead for ten years instead of, you know, just being happy that he’s alive; the fact that Natalie agrees with this idea; the fact that he’s so different now his family would barely recognize him; the fact that he seems so unapologetic about it all. There doesn’t appear to be much remorse in him for leaving his family with no warning, though I suspect he’s just buried it deep.
There's more of this to unpack, too. A later chapter spends time with Archie and Natalie's dad, and there's more Relevant Stuff in his backstory to be revealed at a later time. 👀 But, yeah, it's a tough vibe. Natalie's having a hell of a Tuesday. I'm continually 😈 / 🙃 that chapters 3 - 6 are allllll one long, horrible day.

Jeez, this is all so formal and impersonal. He still seems to care about Natalie, but he’s pretty awful at showing it.
Yeah, they really don't actually know each other very well! A later chapter says this explicitly, but they're a whopping 12 years apart in age. He cares enough to try to "rescue" her from Mark (thereby creating the situation from which she needs rescue, lol) but not so much that he doesn't also want her out from underfoot.

LOTS of gray areas and moral ambiguity in this story! And, honestly? I love it! I love stories that make you think, that place the reader in a position where they have to weigh the conflicts and ponder what their stance would be, what they would resort to if in the same situation. And you pull this off beautifully!
Ahh thank you! It's tricky to navigate in places but, yes, I'm interested in a world that doesn't have simple problems or simple solutions. The protagonists (and some of the villains!) genuinely care and want to do good ... but their solutions are messy and most of them are hypocritical in some way or other. It definitely puts them in positions of having to make tough choices and face consequences, that's for sure!

See you next time! ;)

Hi OSJ, Navar here! Like I said, I’m gonna read more of your story
I’m craving for some Hoenn stuff today, so this fic will hopefully satiate that!
Omg, hi! Didn't expect to see you back so soon! Hope it scratched that Hoenn itch. You might also check out Drowning by @Starlight Aurate ! She's also got Aqua/Magma but with more anime-like vibes. You also might check out Wolflyn on FFN. She's got a lot of Steven fic and Hoenn E4.

And Roxanne was fighting a trainer with a Grovyle? Hm, kinda interesting to see someone with the second stage right at the first gym, haha.
In this setting, the gyms don't have to be challenged in game order. Some gym leaders might be harder than others just because they're Like That (TM) as people, but generally they try to meet challengers where they are and give them a fair challenge. Natalie mentions in Chapter 1 that she already has two badges. She's from Slateport, so she got the Mauville badge first, then Dewford.

Okay, so Mark works for Roxanne, did I get that right? He seems pretty confident, battling in a rock gym against a grass/water Pokémon…
In this setting, you need a lot more than a type advantage to get ahead! Mark's had his pokemon for 3 - 4 years.

the bond she has with her Mightyena is strong, I can tell.
Absolutely! She's somebody who squeaks by despite not strategizing as well because her pokemon love her and work hard for her.

Hm, a Liepard in Hoenn?
Mark isn't from around here! In Chapter 1, Natalie notices that he has an Unovan accent, and later chapters will confirm that he's originally from Virbank! :)

Red? As in, the trainer?
Hahaha, I can see why you went there, considering I do have pokemon and trainers from outside of Hoenn present. This story isn't very preoccupied with competitive battling though, so no Red. Hope you weren't too disappointed. ;)

Another Pokémon from Unova, this one, though, makes me wonder about the ethics of traded Pokémon. Imagine giving your pet just so it can evolve into a bigger form.
Yo, these are excellent questions. 👀 In this setting, I don't think they have to be traded to evolve (and she traded a machop for a timburr anyway), but it's definitely fair to question how pokemon would feel about that! Kinda sucks, for sure!

Team Magma/Aqua? If Erica says there’s something wrong, is she working for them?
There are a few different groups here! There are a bunch of peaceful protesters (including Spitfire) aaaaand then there's Magma. The regular protesters don't really like Magma, so they're not exactly working together.

This is just me theorizing, btw. I’m probably way off track here, but it’s fun to make theories.
It's always interesting to see where a reader's head is at! Thanks for sharing! :D

Aaaand the cops are being stupid, yeah, they’re protesting, but isn’t that like, legal? They’re allowed to protest for a better life. Oh man, this is exciting, I need to see how this story will go!
Hahaha, yyyyyup. IDK what the political climate is like in Brazil, but this fic definitely takes inspiration from real-life US politics. Police brutality definitely isn't a new thing in US history, but it's getting a LOT more attention lately. It's one thing to have rights on paper ... and that doesn't always stop the people in power from abusing the system to deny those rights anyway. Sorry to put a damper on the cute doggos. Unfortunately, their behavior here isn't usually very cute. :c

YES TEAM MAGMA TO THE RESCUE! They’re helping the others, this makes me wonder if they’re just doing it to get a good rep, or if they’re actually good guys in this fic. Regardless, I’m excited to read more about this.
Yes and no. 💔 They're kinda helping and also kinda making things worse. It's complicated! And we'll see in future chapters that it only gets messier.

Thanks again for the review and for reading along!
 

kyeugh

you gotta feel your lines
Staff
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. farfetchd-galar
  2. gfetchd-kyeugh
  3. onion-san
  4. farfetchd
  5. farfetchd
these reviews are a little shallower, and i apologize for that; i'm really tired and have a big drive tomorrow and wanted to get these reviews out while i was still in the zone of these chapters! but also, these chapters aren't quite as political as the preceding ones, so i did have a bit less to say. really looking forward to catching up on the reviews so i can start reviewing each chapter as it's posted!

7. stainless steel

fun introduction to steven here! you do a good job giving us the full picture pretty quickly: superstar, heir to devco, somewhat unruly and preoccupied, never worked for anything a day in his life despite his belief to the contrary, rivalry with may the bootstrapper. he feels so much like the steven of canon, graceful and well-spoken and deliberate, but your mark on him is clear too—his slight air-headedness, his ego. overall i feel like i have a fairly complete picture of him after this relatively short chapter, and you manage to tell us about devco's side of the story a bit too, which manages to feel icky without being surprising, lol.

what really held my attention for this chapter was the bits about the temples and the regis. i know that he can't really be up to any good, whatever he's doing, but god, the regis have such cool lore and you've written it in a perfectly haunting and intriguing way. i'm a sucker for Awakening The Old Gods plots every damn time and i'm really hype to see where this goes. no doubt where it goes is roughly "burning stuff down" one way or another but i'm very, very here for it.

"Delorean, stay here." Technically, Steven knew he should recall it. But the metagross was almost as renowned as Steven himself, especially in this town. No one would mind. Delorean wouldn't bother anyone, and there was little anyone could do to bother it.
love the nicknaming here. makes me wonder if back to the future exists in your canon—i guess rocky does, so why not? maybe the flux capacitor is just a jar with a celebi or something in it.

"No shame in that. I worked while I was developing my team too."
"i worked" x to doubt
"Not that sympathetic," Steven spoke up. "The public doesn't like the gangs—either of them. They're volatile. Honestly, this is good press."

"They like Root Revolution though."
i'm kind of imagining spitfire as poké AOC now.
Before she could answer, Tobin piped up again, "Actually, sir, we've already hit our annual gift-giving cap for the Weissman campaign."

Steven said breezily, "I heard Weissman's oldest son recently received his starter. They follow League Events. I'll make sure the senator and his family have front row seats at the Evergrande Winter Conference."

That much he could still do.
ugh. so icky, so real.

The Chief of Communications sat up straighter. "Well." She paused to take a deep breath and glance at her notes. "Devon celebrates technology and all the ways it makes life better. From ensuring grandma's medicine is delivered on time to producing the pokeballs that keep your friends close, Devon fuels life. And," she added in a conspiratorial tone, "we remind them that the pokelectric alternative is inhumane. Sprinkle in a few shots of sad electrikes."
ah, i see this takes place after the suicune's choice in the shared osj-kintsugi-pen universe.

He hadn't even known about the tomb then—it had looked like nothing more than another rocky outcropping until Cynthia had given him the idea to look for more.
ooh, forgot about this sneaky little cynthia namedrop. i wonder if she'll come back up later.

Don't act like you're shocked. You can't expect to win against someone who's actually had to work to get here. That's what she said to him after the Evergrande Conference.
dare i say based?

The new champion of Hoenn, on the other hand, didn't even have a bachelor's degree. She had a blaziken and a smart mouth, and apparently that was enough.
wow, i don't think i really noticed this blatant classism the first time. really contrasts with what he was saying to the barista earlier. yeesh.

---

8. oil and water

ahhh, this chapter. 🔥 i like this one because it demarks a sort of reversal; prior to this point, mark is the one that's so sure of himself and his cause, whereas natalie is an impressionable little squirt, pushed around by the current. however mark starts having doubts about magma's modus operandi here and feels pretty shitty about the stuff they're doing, and that's before it turns catastrophic. meanwhile, seeing the marsh up in flames is radicalizing for natalie, and i'm sure seeing mark's sorry face on the scene didn't help matters much. i suppose the general shape of this story will follow natalie's radicalization and increasing resolve in her beliefs as mark becomes less sure of his own and tries his best to talk her down? there's almost a star wars-y vibe to that, two people occupying opposite sides of the same coin trying to seduce the other to come to their side. but hopefully, instead of whatever the hell TROS was, mark and natalie manage to actually break the wheel instead. :wink:

i enjoyed the swapping perspectives here. i may be wrong but i think this may be the first chapter that does that? it conveys a certain sense of urgency, cutting from the plan to the boat to the execution to the fallout, and really underscores how different-but-not the worlds of orca and magma are.

the pipeline plan seriously sucks and the thinking used to justify it sucks just as much. my impression is that there are no unequivocal Good Guys in this fic, but so far we've mostly just seen magma's nefarious antics, so i'm curious to see the kind of stuff orca gets up to.

the confrontation at the end is powerful; you do a great job building up mark and natalie's resentment toward each other over the past few chapters, and it really comes to a head here. natalie is predictably indignant, but i think you don't really need to describe her anger to make us feel it. we know how natalie feels about mark; seeing him standing there with his dick in his hand on a fiery backdrop really speaks for itself, and i think that's a really cool effect.

When Natalie didn't respond, Scarlet offered airily, "I thought about tossing the thing overboard."

She remembered the ripple of muscles as the liepard tensed to lunge at her, and she could hardly believe he was now curled powerless in the palm of her hand. It would take so little send the pokeball flying over the rail: a short walk and a flick of the wrist. Over in less than a minute. Pokeballs were supposed to be waterproof, but …. She shivered, imagining Luna's pokeball bobbing in the ship's wake instead.

"Please don't."

"You're right—enough trash in the ocean already."
bless you natalie. would've crushed me if this happened. also fuck off scarlet. >:/ gibs is just a kitty.

"Well, there she is," he said.

Tabitha scowled in greeting.

Seriously?

Mark let his smile fall. Yeah, hello to you, too.

"My pronouns," Tabitha said coolly, "are he-him-they-them."

Heat crawled up Mark's neck. Tear me right the fuck in half. Since when?
this totally threw me for a loop too because i thought tabitha was canonically a woman until this bit had me second-guessing and i checked the wiki to discover that nope tabitha was a dude all along.

He was imitating Montag's speaking style, Mark thought, but missing the point. Montag didn't make demands—he offered invitations.
love this. i feel like i always notice stuff like this irl but it's not something i ever think to write into a story.

Just like that, a piece of paper became the world.
super awesome line, stuck with me for a while after reading this chapter.

Tabitha shot Mark a nasty look, and he returned one of his own. "The point," Tabitha snapped, "is the overpass. If Hoenn cared about water, they wouldn't have approved the pipeline in the first place."
right, because hoenn caring about the water is what matters, not the environmental justice group.

By then, Kathy had already started at Castelia Academy of Music, thank gods.
gods plural, eh? curious to see if that ocmes up again.

"If the cops or ORCA show up," Tabitha said, tearing a long strip from his hand-drawn map, "we don't engage. We're not here to fight with them. We do the job quickly and get out. Everyone got it?"
uh huh sure. and what if orca and the cops stop you from doing the job quickly and getting out, what then huh.

"And yours is the little speckled one, right?"

"Yeah, that's Amelia. And I'm Natalie."

"I know."
natalie's the little speckled one too, eh? 😁

It wasn't a mountain anymore but a pit, and on that moonless night, it had also been endlessly black.
i feel like you can cut "also" here. it also seems sort of weird for me for something to be "endlessly" a color; maybe "impossibly," "deeply," etc?

Uselessly and foolishly, he found himself for the first time in years wanting a cigarette. Something to occupy his hands.
nooo, don't do it...

That was it, then. They'd failed … but maybe, just this once, it was for the best.
yes tbh. never the best sign when you find yourself relieved your own mission has failed. i wonder if it'll be an uptick in stuff like this that forces mark to look across the aisle for support...

Plops of oil rained down, too.
i don't know if you can use "plops" this way. it has a very comical sound to it though.

All around, the marsh was on fire.
that'll show 'em!

Her brother had briskly hugged first her then Scarlet.
i think "Her brother had briskly hugged her, then Scarlet" would read smoother to me; the "first" is already implied by the order they're stated and the use of "then."

Without planning to, Natalie unhooked a ball from her belt. His voice burned inside her, taunting: You could make a difference. Her anger swelled, lifting her along with it and carrying her forward, first at a walk, and then a run.
hey, say what you will about magma, they sure did make a difference just now.
 

WildBoots

Don’t underestimate seeds.
Location
smol scream
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. moka-mark
  2. solrock
Fancy meeting you here again!

these reviews are a little shallower,
I truly wouldn't have noticed, haha. You're heaping such bounty on my head. ❤

really looking forward to catching up on the reviews so i can start reviewing each chapter as it's posted!
Yeah, I imagine the pace will slow down for you a lot! My max is 1 - 2 chapters a month, so you'll get a breather in between. And it's always a great motivator for me! This thing is in a place where I know the solution to wanting to talk about Mark and Natalie is to get my shit together and publish lol. So I'll keep cranking em out!

he feels so much like the steven of canon, graceful and well-spoken and deliberate, but your mark on him is clear too—his slight air-headedness, his ego.
Deliberate is a good Steven word!

This says a lot about me, but this is 100% how I read Steven's behavior in-game. He's sitting on top of such a mountain of privilege. And, yeah, he's totally chill and nice to the protagonist every step of the way. But IDK. He doesn't sit quite right with me. And, let's face it, he's a fantastic mannequin for me to dress as a sympathetic villain for the type of story I'm trying to tell. Sorry, Steve-o: right place, right time. If the cravat fits, wear it.

may the bootstrapper
omg

no doubt where it goes is roughly "burning stuff down" one way or another but i'm very, very here for it.
Hahaha you know me :' )

Though! I would be remiss to leave sea level rise out of my climate change fic. This is Hoenn after all: if there's one thing we've got, it's water. We will surely have some things flooding and sinking sooner or later too, don't you worry.

makes me wonder if back to the future exists in your canon—i guess rocky does, so why not? maybe the flux capacitor is just a jar with a celebi or something in it.
Unless there's a really good reason it wouldn't work, my default answer is why not?! Rocky was a gym leader of Rustboro 30 years ago, etc.

"i worked" x to doubt
Yeah, he means business school, lol.

i'm kind of imagining spitfire as poké AOC now.
Aww, that's lovely. I picture her looking like one of my close friends, the one who radicalized me in many ways, but AOC is also a really lovely stand-in.

ah, i see this takes place after the suicune's choice in the shared osj-kintsugi-pen universe.
AHAHAHA
Oh man, when I realized Pen was going in that direction, I was so hype. Inject SC into my veinsssssssss

ooh, forgot about this sneaky little cynthia namedrop. i wonder if she'll come back up later.
I wonder, too! I don't have any specific plans for her here--the answer might be no? But she might crop up again yet! I didn't think I wanted to drag Zinnia in at first, and here we are.

dare i say based?
Yes but. If Brendan = Birch's kid, her dad is a gym leader. She's got relative power in the world of trainers, too. Definitely doesn't hurt!! Even if they don't have a good relationship, their connection immediately elevates her in the eyes of others and opens doors for her. So, sure, bootstraps. But she's got a pretty solid pair of boots on to begin with.

wow, i don't think i really noticed this blatant classism the first time. really contrasts with what he was saying to the barista earlier. yeesh.
🙃 Say what you feel, Steven.

i like this one because it demarks a sort of reversal; prior to this point, mark is the one that's so sure of himself and his cause, whereas natalie is an impressionable little squirt, pushed around by the current. however mark starts having doubts about magma's modus operandi here and feels pretty shitty about the stuff they're doing, and that's before it turns catastrophic. meanwhile, seeing the marsh up in flames is radicalizing for natalie
Yes, yes, yes. I think it's most pronounced in Chapter 11 vs Chapters 12/13. Natalie is finding a place and Mark is losing his. She's coming up, he's coming down.

i suppose the general shape of this story will follow natalie's radicalization and increasing resolve in her beliefs as mark becomes less sure of his own and tries his best to talk her down?
Yes and no. I think in Chapter 16, yes, absolutely. (Or, probably. Hard to say for sure until I actually write it, but that's part of what I expect to pop up in there.) Beyond that, not as much. I don't like the idea of him handing her solutions. I think they each need to grow up on their own terms, and that's what's going to allow them to come together eventually. And to feel like equals when they do.

but hopefully, instead of whatever the hell TROS was, mark and natalie manage to actually break the wheel instead. :wink:
Again, yes and no. I definitely expect one of the obvious takeaways to be that they can accomplish together what they can't do alone (and really, really can't do while trying to harm each other). But I also expect this story to end with some problems lingering. This one is going to have a relatively happy ending, I think, but the world has been damaged in ways that can't be fixed in one lifetime, even with magical monster friends.

i may be wrong but i think this may be the first chapter that does that? it conveys a certain sense of urgency, cutting from the plan to the boat to the execution to the fallout, and really underscores how different-but-not the worlds of orca and magma are.
Yup! And won't be the last, I don't think. I was so scared to do this, and I'm glad to hear it's having the intended effect for you!

my impression is that there are no unequivocal Good Guys in this fic, but so far we've mostly just seen magma's nefarious antics, so i'm curious to see the kind of stuff orca gets up to.
Chapters 14 & 16 are going to be ORCA's time to, uh, shine. As it were. That said, it's pretty fucking hard to top "blow up a pipeline to blame it on the other guy." I don't think "but Magma is worse!" is meaningful or actionable here because it doesn't actually have to be an either/or. (Huh, weird, what does that sound like???) But Magma might be objectively worse right now.

seeing him standing there with his dick in his hand on a fiery backdrop really speaks for itself, and i think that's a really cool effect.
My god this is a fantastically, devastatingly accurate portrait.

bless you natalie. would've crushed me if this happened. also fuck off scarlet. >:/ gibs is just a kitty.
Omg, no. We're not yeeting the cat. I've got some plans for Gibs yet. It's just gonna take me a while to get there because there are so many goddamn pieces in play. But he's relevant in Chapter 13 and will be again in Chapter 14.

this totally threw me for a loop too because i thought tabitha was canonically a woman until this bit had me second-guessing and i checked the wiki to discover that nope tabitha was a dude all along.
Yeah, I'm convinced that Tabitha is a bad translation. Bulba claims it's an anagram for habitat, but like ... aquatic habitats are a thing too, so. Nope. Could also be derived from Tabiti, a fire ... goddess. So like, why not Pele or Mason if y'all needed him to be a man with a volcano and fire name??? Anyway. The only conclusion that made sense to me is that he's trans but fuck you gendered names are a social construct and he's keeping it.

gods plural, eh? curious to see if that ocmes up again.
It's been there all along! This world has so many gods, even just within each region, that it's hard for me to imagine monotheism here, except maaaaaaybe in Sinnoh. The dial on this is set pretty low, but Mark has a couple expletives I think of as Unova-isms, thinking of the divided dragons: tear me the fuck in half, fucked three ways to hell. Contemplating the dialed-up-but-cutesey versions of these for mom when she comes into play: split gods, something something splitting gods' hairs? Not totally sure and not willing to push it too hard for characters I think are by-and-large agnostic in practice, but it is running in the background for me when I think about how these guys talk.

natalie's the little speckled one too, eh? 😁
I actually hadn't thought of that! I was googling the fuck out of seagulls, as we do, and liked the herring gull a lot. ❤ But you're not wrong! They're good buddies for each other.

i feel like you can cut "also" here. it also seems sort of weird for me for something to be "endlessly" a color; maybe "impossibly," "deeply," etc?
Fair enough on the first point. For endless--I was thinking not just intensity but that he's walking in it and the darkness makes that walk immeasurable: he can't see how far there is to go, and fear makes it feel longer.

i think "Her brother had briskly hugged her, then Scarlet" would read smoother to me; the "first" is already implied by the order they're stated and the use of "then."
Good idea.

hey, say what you will about magma, they sure did make a difference just now.
I guess our boy failed to specify whether that was a positive difference or not. 🙃

Drive safe!
 
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Pen

the cat is mightier than the pen
Staff
Partners
  1. dratini
  2. dratini-pen
  3. dratini-pen2
Chapter 11. The Waterbearer.

kind of glad I forgot to review this before, because wow do I need a treat today.

"I want ..." I want you and Dad to make up. To go back to when things were simpler. But had things ever really been simple, or was it only that she hadn't known enough to spot the cracks in the photo frame? She spat out, "I want a better world."

This chapter is about the fact that the world can't return normal. It can't, both because it has changed, and because Natalie has. You describe to us the sheer physical and environmental toll the pipeline explosion has taken on Slateport. The grimer are horrifying, pollution personified. They are a stain that spreads. After this, home won't be the same. And yet, home is the same. Natalie's room, her parents, all the rhymes of life. That's the tension that animates the chapter and the dichotomy that drives Natalie onboard with Sinbad. We can see how much she longs for a simpler, easier time, when the world made sense and she fit into it, but that illusion can't stand up to the weight of Natalie's experiences. Is what she wants really a better world? I'm not sure. Maybe what she wants is a world that she can fit into without feeling like she has to squeeze herself into a shell that no longer fits. Or maybe what she learned that night with Mark is that she never, ever wants to be that helpless again. It's a gripping, poignant chapter, drenched in everything that's been lost. Natalie's replacing all that with coke and rum, direct action, and a pirate with her brother's eyes.

Natalie's head pounded like the worst hangover she'd ever had, but with none of the fun the night before.
I like the simile here precisely because it's inapt. It's not like a hangover. There was no party. But Natalie doesn't have anything else to compare it to. It's something new.

The curtains were drawn, but the muted light was enough to make out the dresser she'd covered in stickers, the band posters curling at the edges, and the desk stacked with unfamiliar boxes. Home, almost exactly as she'd left it.
The mix of the familiar and unfamiliar is lovely. It's home, and the same, but that in itself is strange. It's strange for things to stay the same when you've changed.

Dense, curdled clouds bulged over Mount Chimney, stretching out of frame.
Good word choice. I like the suggestion of transformation with curdled.

If things had gone differently in Rustboro, if she had never gone to the protest, she might be in Lavaridge right now, hiding out in the pokecenter, watching the ash come down and waiting for the news station's next prophetic announcement. There was no escaping it, was there? Hoenn was exploding from one end to the other, whether by acts of nature or human stupidity.
Oh look, it's my day today.

By the light of day, the overpass looked worse than it had the night before. The bridge had snapped in two, and the broken ends sagged at forty-five-degree angles, girders jutting from the concrete like exposed bone. Chunks of concrete dangled from steel cables and swayed in the wind. Rubble lay in a heap underneath, pale against the scorched field.
This image is really vivid.

Natalie realized she'd bent forward with her elbows on her thighs and her chin raised to the TV like a flower seeking sun.
I don't know about this simile. I feel like it jarrs with the other imagery in the chapter, and not in a productive way. Is Natalie feeling like a flower right now? Is what she's seeing on TV really nourishing her?

When she returned, hopping from one foot to the other to pull on her socks, the screen had gone red. A lone figure sat dead-center—a man, she thought, despite the long hair—but the backlighting made his face an impenetrable mask of shadows.
I like the detail about her hopping as she puts on the socks. It's such a completely mundane thing--and then in contrast, here's Montag on the local news.

And he would know. Fuck them, fuck them, fuck them. Rage and disgust throbbed in every aching inch of her.
How does she knows he's Magma here? You mention a red background, but is that really enough context?

But he had to be there, somewhere just offscreen. He'd said it himself: this was their home. If he was out there right now trying to undo what Magma had done, then he was fighting on the right side. Then he was still her brother.
This is still striking me as not landing quite right. I feel like I need more of Natalie to break it up. The conclusions feel too matter of a fact.

"Do not fuck with blue today. This is our coast."
Shelly ❤

Archie shrugged, taking up his shovel again. "Then do it." Without waiting to see her reaction, he turned back to shoveling earth.
I love how few shits he gives about Natalie's political awakening or her joining him.

Closer to the water, the oil fumes intensified, mixed with the grimer brew of twice-baked garbage and sewage. Every time Natalie thought she'd acclimated, a wave of new odors hit her, a richer putrefaction. The grimer rolled across the water, endlessly pinching apart like taffy and and melding with other grimer globs.
I can smell it. Ugh.

Absolutely, she wanted to say, but she also knew that wasn't all he was asking. She felt the undertow's pull beneath his words. It was an invitation, one that set her heart beating in a sickening rhythm
Huh, who does that remind me of. Someone else who doesn't issue commands, but makes invitations? 🤔

Even at rest, each of them looked ready to leap up and throw a punch at a moment's notice.
You draw out well how attracted she is by ORCA as representing action, the antithesis of passivity, of watching the news, of waiting, of being helpless and beholden.

Her childhood nickname, shortened from Butterball. She usually hated it, but now it made her smile.

"You scared the sh—" She caught herself. "You scared me!"
She's already squeezing herself into old clothes here, and they don't fit.

"You're young—and a trainer! It's natural to want your independence."

"Sure. And maybe she can independently let us know every so often that she hasn't been trafficked out to Orre."
Can confirm that human trafficking happens in Orre. Good Mom and Dad banter.

"Alright, alright." Dad mimed zipping his lips, locking the end, and tossing the key out of the room.

Natalie imagined a big, sturdy lock over her own heart. She would never be able to tell him about the protest or the Route 110 cleanup. Or Archie.
They're both locking each other out here, without necessarily even choosing to.

Mom packed breakfast burritos and lunches for both of them like Natalie and her dad were a pair of kids off to their first day of school. In the truck, Dad sang loudly to the radio, making exaggerated faces to try to get a laugh out of her. Finally he elbowed her. "What's up? Tired?"
Dad is so happy here. It hurts.

On the harbor, sunlight spilled red and gold across the water. The shipyard was all purple silhouettes: warehouses crisscrossed by the shadows of bridge cranes, half-built freighters latticed with scaffolding, smaller vessels gleaming along the piers.
Your cinematic style at its finest here. The words make a painting.

Natalie was reminded of summer afternoons metal detecting with Dad, digging up pocket change, vintage badges, and sometimes clamperl. Bubba had joined them sometimes, too. When they tired of walking, they would sit on a dune and watch the wingulls fight over hotdog buns and other trash as the sun slowly sank. They hadn't done that since Natalie was a child. And, of course, most of the local clamperl had died off after Devon Horizon.
Oof. There's no going home, in so many different ways here. Personal and political issues are intertwined too closely here to separate. Returning to that past isn't as simple as having Bubba and Dad hug. The clamperl aren't coming back. And so, neither is Archie.

Sinbad drained his glass and then flashed Natalie a fierce grin. "What are you drinking? Beer? Rum and coke?"

Screw it. "Sure. Rum and coke."
He's Sinbad now. And Natalie's gonna be a pirate. Hip-fucking-hooray.
 

love

Memento mori
Pronouns
he/him/it
Partners
  1. leafeon
Reviewed chapter 12

her grin was bright as lightning. Manic. Cora always got like this before an action. Sometimes her excitement hit Mark like a caffeine buzz, an updraft, but this time he held tightly to his inner quiet and braced himself against her approach.

Some nice characterization for both of them tbh. "her grin was bright as lightning" is a simple simile but adds nice flair. It's the kind of thing I feel like I could stand to do more of for my own characters in the future.

"I thought you quit," she said, smirking like she'd won something.

Struck me as an effective description. I can imagine what that looks like and it tells me something about her.

That Gibs was still gone.

Damn it I forgot about Gibs aaah the pain is coming back. I appreciate that the narration still isn't letting that go.

The stain kept spreading, across the marsh and across his thoughts.

I felt that that was a good metaphor.

Then Mark tilted his head toward the crowd."Let's get these guys moving."

Missed a space

"What are you doing? Fuck no. Pick it up and pack it out."

lol I love how they're actually worried about this. Trashing prime wetlands in Hoenn? Sure, I guess, necessary evil. Leaving cigarrette butts on the ground? Now that's just too far.

I felt for Mark during his conversation with Raquel. Even if he has the same doubts, he is in a position where he can't let that show. It also shows that he can actually be kinda supportive if he wants. Pretty important quality for a leader, I'd say.

houndooms

Unorthodox pluralization. Don't know if that's actually your preferred way of doing it or if that was accidental.

Grinning, Mark released Hux in front of him again

An interesting tactic---using pokeballs to teleport pokemon. Something you might expect from someone who is used to scrappy fights. What if you warped the same pokemon between two trainers? Wonder if there would ever be an advantage to that.

when he say two helicopters

"saw"

His hair shone white as salt under the intense sun

Ah yes I see what you did there

I had to read the battle a couple times to really get a sense of what was happening, but I think that's just on me. I felt like everything was described clearly enough. Just a lot of names getting thrown around.

I don't have much criticism for this chapter, but it shed a lot of light on Mark's/Magma's mindset and so I think I might as well talk about that for a little.

Magma would never be able to defeat Rustboro PD's pokemon in an out-and-out fight

There's something martyrsome about Mark/Magma's approach. They're weaker, but they want to win more, and they're willing to sacrifice more. They've sort of sacrificed a part of Hoenn already. Mark has lost Gibs, and he could lose Orwell. He has shoved his personal feelings aside to realize Montag's plans. And who knows how many hours of his life he's sunk, too.

I respect his commitment, and I think that's one of the reasons I like him better than some other readers. My issue with him and with Magma is that I don't think their tactics are really effective. They are committed to causing trouble, and as long as that continues to be the case, they won't win anyone over. Shockingly, people don't really like violence.

Not that winning the masses over is their goal.

A cop fought on orders; Magma fought out of love and rage. Duty always lost that contest in the end.

Mark thinks Magma can force DevCo to surrender, but it's a pretty naive hope. A sense of duty won't save you from superior numbers, equipment, and firepower. Or, well, from Steven's metagross. I feel funny saying that because it almost sounds like something Mark would say---given his cynical persona---and I wonder if he knows it on some level. I wonder how much of his commitment actually comes from a belief that it will change things. I wonder if on some level he's doing this just so that he can tell himself, once it all comes tumbling down, that he at least gave it everything he could.

Aqua at least seems to be trying to preserve itself. I get the sense it favors more tactical... tactics. Stealth, subterfuge, sabotoge. Less futile, in a sense, and less self-destructive. Maybe less prone to cause escalation. But, same problem as Magma. People don't like terrorists, and most aren't willing to risk that much for something as distant and nebulous as an ecosystem. They'll never have enough people or resources on their side to win.

As for the Root Revolution... Well. Thoughts and prayers. (In all seriousness, they're the ones I would probably support in real life. They aren't winning, but I don't think their tactics are *as* futile)

Mark's decision to protect the activists and draconids is a good moment of characterization, and kind of drives home his sense of separation from the rest of Magma. That's been kind of a big theme for the chapter, I guess. It opens with him standing off to the side being angsty, reluctant to really interact. He braces himself against Cora's approach, and there's a moment of alienation when he realizes she doesn't share his doubts:

Of course not. This wasn't her home either. / And that was a little fucked up, too, wasn't it? Sure, it was Montag's plan, but who were Mark and Cora to—?

And then when he talks to Raquel, a friendly character who might actually be able to relate to him, he feels compelled to hide his feelings.

At any rate, I can only see this isolation growing more extreme over the course of the story, perhaps culminating in a decision to abandon or betray Magma somehow.

I wonder if some of the activists will acknowledge that Mark risked a lot to help them. And if they do, whether it will really change anything. Kind of doubt it. Condoning Magma in any way could be bad for their reputation. But could these divided environmental groups perhaps be forced to work together in the face of cataclysmic disasters caused by Steven's tampering?

Or maybe everyone will remain divided until the end and DevCo will win, I mean, idk, I'm not the author.

I want to comment on Steven's appearance in the chapter. He shows up only briefly, and says nothing, but is instantly hatable. I can't help but share Mark's disgust at his aloofness. I can only hope that someday he gets his comeuppance.

Anyway, nice chapter, I look forward to the next one.
 

WildBoots

Don’t underestimate seeds.
Location
smol scream
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. moka-mark
  2. solrock
Review replies! Thank you both for the corrections--today was my scheduled clean-up day, so I've fixed all of those and updated the text. Whew!

kind of glad I forgot to review this before, because wow do I need a treat today.
Me too, oh man. It's been a week. That feeling when reading a stressful political drama is actually more relaxing than looking at the real news. Life has got to stop one-upping my plot twists.

Is what she wants really a better world? I'm not sure. Maybe what she wants is a world that she can fit into without feeling like she has to squeeze herself into a shell that no longer fits. Or maybe what she learned that night with Mark is that she never, ever wants to be that helpless again.
I think this is about right! She's been interested in "making a difference" ... somehow ... since she told Mark about her brother, but this is about revenge and wanting to be able to fight people she has designated enemies.

It's a gripping, poignant chapter,
❤ ❤ ❤

Oh look, it's my day today.
🙃 Chapter 11 was frustratingly parallel to real life for many days. I was writing Natalie in front of the TV all during the election.

This is still striking me as not landing quite right. I feel like I need more of Natalie to break it up. The conclusions feel too matter of a fact.
I did ... something. Not sure if I fixed it yet. I'll reread and think about it some more in a few days.

I love how few shits he gives about Natalie's political awakening or her joining him.
Yyyup. He's not exactly invested in what his family does or thinks anymore. I think his tune changes when she actually pitches in, though. She's for real, maybe.

Huh, who does that remind me of. Someone else who doesn't issue commands, but makes invitations? 🤔
He learned from the best!! I love the idea that not only are they constantly getting mad at each other for the same kinds of bad behavior but they're also actively stealing each other's moves: Archie's the one with a background in politics, but Maxie is the one manipulating the news; Maxie is the one with a science background (more on that later, but I'm borrowing that conceit from ORAS), but Archie is the one who's interested in geoengineering. Good thing ORCA and Magma are so obviously and completely different so no one can get confused about it.

Can confirm that human trafficking happens in Orre.
I didn't know how apt my joke was! OSAS had me shooketh.

Damn it I forgot about Gibs aaah the pain is coming back. I appreciate that the narration still isn't letting that go
Gibs is the gift that keeps on giving. ;) We're not done with him yet! I think by this summer there should be some developments there, assuming I stay on schedule.

lol I love how they're actually worried about this. Trashing prime wetlands in Hoenn? Sure, I guess, necessary evil. Leaving cigarrette butts on the ground? Now that's just too far.
Yeah, I think one of Magma's biggest problems is its hypocrisy! And I also think that this is Mark taking a stand where he can, lol. He's rapidly losing control of so many things, but at least he can make this kid pick up a cigarette butt. 🙃

Even if he has the same doubts, he is in a position where he can't let that show. It also shows that he can actually be kinda supportive if he wants. Pretty important quality for a leader, I'd say.
Yeah, that's an interesting observation! I think a lot of the things leadership is requiring from him here are at odds with what being a fucking person requires of him.

Unorthodox pluralization. Don't know if that's actually your preferred way of doing it or if that was accidental.
For a while, I was pluralizing differently, so there are a few holdovers out of habit. Thanks for catching that.

An interesting tactic---using pokeballs to teleport pokemon. Something you might expect from someone who is used to scrappy fights. What if you warped the same pokemon between two trainers? Wonder if there would ever be an advantage to that.
👀 I bet I could find a use or two. Lots of battles yet to come in this story (sigh), so I'll have many opportunities to try to find a place for it.

I had to read the battle a couple times to really get a sense of what was happening, but I think that's just on me. I felt like everything was described clearly enough. Just a lot of names getting thrown around.
Haha, see above: lots of battles to go, sigh. There's definitely a lot happening here--it's not just you! I almost broke my brain juggling so many things.

They're weaker, but they want to win more, and they're willing to sacrifice more. They've sort of sacrificed a part of Hoenn already.
Yeah, interesting how that math works, isn't it? Too bad they're so willing to yeet what isn't theirs to sacrifice.

it almost sounds like something Mark would say---given his cynical persona---and I wonder if he knows it on some level.
I think he's got lots of blinders on to maintain the life he's been leading.

Aqua at least seems to be trying to preserve itself. I get the sense it favors more tactical... tactics. Stealth, subterfuge, sabotoge. Less futile, in a sense, and less self-destructive. Maybe less prone to cause escalation.
Ahhhhhh Aqua's got some stupid stuff up their sleeve too, don't worry. It's hard to top blowing up a pipeline, but there's still lots of stupid to go around.

As for the Root Revolution... Well. Thoughts and prayers. (In all seriousness, they're the ones I would probably support in real life. They aren't winning, but I don't think their tactics are *as* futile)
I think the big thing that RR is doing that Magma and ORCA are both failing to do is cooperating with other groups (like the Draconids), building connections, and organizing. Definitely not futile.

But could these divided environmental groups perhaps be forced to work together in the face of cataclysmic disasters caused by Steven's tampering?
🎤Find out next week on Continental Divides!

I want to comment on Steven's appearance in the chapter. He shows up only briefly, and says nothing, but is instantly hatable. I can't help but share Mark's disgust at his aloofness. I can only hope that someday he gets his comeuppance.
😈 More on him soon.
 
  • Heart
Reactions: Pen

HelloYellow17

Gym Leader
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. suicune
  2. umbreon
  3. mew
  4. lycanroc-wes
  5. leafeon-rui
hahaha am I trying to review 6 chapters in one fell swoop? Yep. Am I going to regret it? Maybe.

Anyways—may I just say, I am SO invested in this story. The many different perspectives, the way you make us feel for and sympathize with each perspective even when they’re on total opposite sides of the spectrum, all of it is nothing short of amazing and I love it. Your colorful and vivid descriptions, especially of action scenes (!!!) are just—UGH—so, so good. Thank you for this blessed feast of beautiful (if rather explosive) imagery.

Now, let’s dive in!

Steven took the long way between the gym and the Devon office building

!!! STEVEN! My BOY! Of course I should have expected you would have him in here, with this being the story of Hoenn and all, but it was still a pleasant surprise to see him pop up. And I ADORE the way you’ve characterized him—calm and cool and not a hair out of place in both appearance and professionalism, but deep down he’s a giant nerd who just wants to geek out over his rocks and be away from all the publicity. Poor baby. I love him.

It‘s extra fascinating to see through the eyes of someone so closely associated with DevCo, considering they’re the common enemy in the eyes of ORCA and MGMA. I love seeing all sides of the story—even if DevCo is, understandably, not a sympathetic one at all.

It took Steven a minute to decipher what was spray-painted on the plastic, a jumble of hasty lines bleeding into each other. Oh. He spotted the remnants of a blue skull and crossbones where the artist who followed had failed to fully block it out with black paint, and on top of that a jagged red M.

Ha! Is this a reference to the sign in Emerald that had Aqua graffiti, which was then painted over by Magma graffiti?

On cue, the metagross tucked its legs and, with a grinding and a groaning, lowered itself to the sidewalk. Then it fell eerily silent, its glowing red eyes the only sign of life.

Really excellent job at portraying the mechanical mannerisms of Metagross here. (Hah, look at that alliteration I just made!)

Steven smiled and turned to rap his knuckles against the metagross's hull—clonk, clonk—before he made his way inside.

Omg I loved this detail haha.

Steven didn't necessarily mind the idea of a benefit dinner. In fact, he already had a tie that perfectly matched the requisite cancer awareness ribbon. He knew to allow the men his father's age talk about their favorite subjects—themselves—to make them like him. And he was good at telling little stories to make their wives laugh, nudging them to indulge him in the occasional secret. But there were no trophies for small talk.

This is just so so good. Gives us a little insight into Steven’s professional life while also showing how he feels about it all. I love how, by using very specific examples, you really get a feel for what this part of his life looks like. (And it’s advice from your own writing guide! I need to be better at incorporating this into my own writing.)

And," she added in a conspiratorial tone, "we remind them that the pokelectric alternative is inhumane. Sprinkle in a few shots of sad electrikes."

The work was likely no worse for them than training, and that would be Mauville Electric's obvious rebuttal. But the winner of that fight would not be determined by who was more correct.

Lol, is this a shoutout to Suicune’s Choice? Although, the case with the electrikes is a very different one in that story.

The League had cautioned him against trying to raise a metagross at all, and not without reason. He'd consulted with an electrophysicist and a psychic-type specialist leading up to it, but that first metagross had still turned on him immediately after its final evolution, sending silent lightning through his skull. He was lucky all he'd lost from that was the pigment in his hair. Steven wore it like a badge of honor, proof he'd earned the designation of Hoenn's metagross expert.

!!! An explanation for Steven’s hair color! Brilliant! I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone try to explain it before, it just kind of was the way it was. I like this a lot.

And he had still graduated with honors. He'd done both, because that was what was expected of him.

Ouch, this hurts. Expected to be perfect in every way, and his dad still manages to be disappointed in him.

His father gave him a hard look. "I'm only going to tell you this once, son. Running a company doesn't work like parading in front of the Evergrande League. You've had your fun with that, but now that it's done I need you focused here in the real world. On Devon. You have to earn your place here, just like the rest of them."

Ughhh the way he just dismissed Steven’s training career as nothing really frustrates me. He was? The Champion? That’s nothing to sneeze at? And yet, because it’s not the business career he would chosen for Steven, it’s still not good enough. *Triggered*

"So what do you think I should do with it?"

Gibs’ pokeball! Poor thing. So is it common to keep a Pokémon in their ball for days on end in this world? Are they kept in stasis so they don’t go hungry? Curious as to how that works in this story.

Don't lecture me about loyalty, Natalie wanted to fire back. I'm the one who was left behind. But she had no friends or allies aboard the Ultimatum, so she kept her mouth shut.

Low-key wanted her to say it anyways. Give it to em straight, Natalie.

Is that what it was about, elevating himself above Mark? Fuck off, Tabitha. I don't work for you. If Montag wanted him to follow Tabitha's orders this time, he would—out of respect for Montag, not Tabitha's ego. But let Tabitha think whatever he needed to.

Hmm, interesting to see the comparisons between ORCA and MGMA here. So far, ORCA seems decently unified under one leader, and MGMA is a little more organized with sub-groups and lower level leaders, but with less unity.

Last year, the refinery had finally closed for good—but only because it had self-combusted. A corroded pipe, the reports had explained almost sheepishly, as if it could've happened to anyone. The explosion had launched a drum the size of a gigalith clear across the river to Liberty Garden, and it had also released five thousand pounds of hydrofluoric acid into the air. Benzine in the groundwater. Lead in the soil.

By then, Kathy had already started at Castelia Academy of Music, thank gods. But by then, she'd also already lost half her childhood to hospital visits and countless days when the air quality had been so bad she'd had to stay inside.

Oh. Ohhhh. This isn’t just Mark crusading for a good cause, this is personal. That really explains why he’s so invested in making a change wherever he goes.


Cramped as the ship was for her, she imagined it was worse to be cooped up inside a pokeball for days on end.

So it sounds like Pokeballs are a little stuffy if a Pokémon is kept inside for long periods of time? If so, poor Gibs! :(

Was Amelia glad to be heading home? Surely she could sense that Slateport was close. Had she missed her family, Natalie wondered, or would she be disappointed to return to familiar shores and find them smaller than she'd remembered?

I like that this isn’t just about Amelia here, but about Natalie, too.


It was mostly as Natalie expected—aside from the porygon-Z perched atop one of the consoles like a dashboard bobblehead.

“Dashboard bobblehead” is the best description I’ve ever heard for a Porygon Z and I am here for it.

"There you go, Small Fry," Archie said, baring a grin that was all teeth and no joy. "You wanted to know the difference between us and them? There it is. We fight to keep oil out of the ocean, and Magma spills it to make a fucking point."

Oof, and there it is. It’s all so bitterly ironic, considering the Team’s goals are essentially the same thing, and yet they end up on opposing sides anyway. Can’t help but agree with Archie here. At this rate, with MGMA’s methods, will there even be a Hoenn left to save after they’ve made their point?


Octavia dove for the banette, fangs flashing. Like fog in the wind, the banette split down the center, ghostly fabric flowing to either side to let the golbat pass. When she'd gone, the banette reassembled itself with the sound of a zipper closing.

This is horrifying and very vivid. Banette has always creeped me out and this just solidified that even more. Lol


Everything happened between one breath and the next: a blue light flashed across the surface of the pipeline, cutting between the metal pipe and the torrent of flames, which poured like water to either side of the light shield. Sparks hit the grass, blooms of flame shooting up where they landed. The blue light shield buckled, swelling with heat and pressurized air—

And then, for an instant, there was only white silence.

!!! I LOVE that you used silence to depict the impact of the explosion. So good!! I could see the white flash before the impact.

Up the slope, a line of flames cut across the long stretch of fields. The route beyond was swallowed by smoke. Through the haze, Natalie could barely pick out the outline of the overpass, a chunk missing from the left side as if a giant creature had taken a bite from it. Fire geysered higher than the overpass, marking the source of the destruction. Wild pokemon scattered away from the flames, but on the other side, silhouettes of larger pokemon and people collided and fell and rose again, flashing in and out of view.

*chef’s kiss* beautiful. Excellent. Well done.

At the sight of him, she began to tremble. He'd ranted about the world's problems like he had the answers, then come to her home to pollute and destroy. And for what? What gave him the right?

Without planning to, Natalie unhooked a ball from her belt. His voice burned inside her, taunting: You could make a difference. Her anger swelled, lifting her along with it and carrying her forward, first at a walk, and then a run.

Oooh what a way to end the chapter! Let the angsty reunion commence!

And then behind it, he saw her. She'd masked her face with ORCA blue, but her hair still stood out flaming red.

oh boy, let the misunderstandings pile on, one after another.

As she fumbled for another pokeball, he saw his opening. She should've kept her mightyena closer.

To Ore he said, "Go for her head."

OH. Mark does not play. Yikes.

This time Natalie's knees buckled. He watched with surprise but not pity as she dropped. No more tricks up your sleeve, huh? You really had no idea what this was like.

Didn’t he think she was a member of ORCA, though? And thereby had experience with stuff like this? Or maybe he thought she was a fresh ORCA recruit?

Mark was close enough now to hear him.

This read a little strangely to me, as it sounded like Mark was the one hearing. Maybe “Mark was close enough now for her to hear him,” or “Mark was close enough now to be heard.”

Mark's light shield burst like a soap bubble.

Liked this simile a lot.

"HOENN ISN'T YOURS!"

YES, PREACH IT, SIS

Behind them, Samson was back on his feet, but he had stopped to clamp his hands over his ears, too. And Luna. Where was she? Natalie couldn't even see her anymore.

The “And Luna” sentence read like Luna was also covering her ears. Maybe “And Luna—where was she?”

Amelia trilled, and Natalie raised her eyes—but the wingull was too bright to look at directly, the white of her feathers incandescent. Natalie shielded her face in the crook of her elbow. From the corners of her vision she watched Amelia's silhouette ripple and stretch, blazing ever-brighter, and then bloom into something new.

At last, the sound of rocks battering the shield faded away. The air hung thick with dust and smoke. But the air was clear inside the unbroken dome of blue light where Natalie crouched behind Amelia, who flexed her new pelipper wings.

HAH yes evolution time!! I’m a sucker for crisis evolutions, what can I say? Especially when the Pokémon is evolving to protect their trainer.

Luna lifted her head and whined.

Natalie swallowed hard and gingerly pet the top of Luna's head. "I'm so sorry, Luna. You're so good and, gods, I screwed up. You're okay. I'll take you to the pokecenter, and you'll be okay."

With another whine, the mightyena weakly wagged her tail.

Luna, nooo, baby! 💔

No. Natalie had already done enough—and her pokemon had paid the price. For once, she knew when she was beat.

I honestly expected her to stay here, and was surprised when she didn’t—but I like that. I like that I can’t predict a character’s every move, makes them feel more organic to me.

She'd stuttered through her story of being attacked by a rogue trainer. It wasn't untrue, and her ragged appearance made good evidence, so they sent her off with little more than a cautionary word.

Jeez, so she tells them she got jumped and they just shuffle her along? Wouldn’t they want her to try to file out some kind of police report? Or is this so common they just move on?

Then Amelia half-turned and revealed the dark splashes down her back, shimmering with chemical rainbows. Each black splotch was like a stain on Natalie's heart.

She scrambled to find dish soap and a fistful of paper towels. When she came back and caught Amelia grooming the oiled patches, she bit her knuckle to stop herself from crying out in horror. "That's poison," she hissed, wresting Amelia's beak away. "Don't touch."

Oh, flashbacks to baby Natalie cleaning up wingulls in the bathroom with her brother. This hurts, and is a powerful way of showing how she’s starting to walk a mile in Archie’s shoes and seeing where he’s coming from.


Badges and bullshit, she thought with a grimace. Mark could burn in hell, but he'd been right: earning badges hadn't made her strong in the ways she needed to be.

Wasn’t Roxanne the first gym leader? Unless she went out of order for her badges?

How could he explain that he was a soldier and the fight for Unova's soul had been lost before he was born?

Ouch. Powerful sentence. Mark has lost his entire home and is in the process of losing his sister to the atrocities being committed on the environment. Again, no wonder he’s so deeply invested and angry about it all—not that someone needs a personal reason to be angry about this, because it’s horrible as it is anyway, but it definitely adds a lot to our understanding of his character.

Brendan's boot prints wound through the dark behind him

Brendan!! Another pleasant surprise!

Brendan slowed his steps, suddenly feeling like an intruder. He wouldn't have wandered off by himself if he'd realized they would be sticking together. What had they talked about without him?

Aw, poor boy feels like an uncertain third wheel. Can relate.

Can you believe this? Secret tunnels!

🎶 SECRET TUNNELLLLL, SECRET TUNNELLLL, THROUGH THE MOUNTAI— 🎶

In his dreams, he'd been following May down a wooded path, falling further behind the faster he walked.

Hmm, so he feels like he’s fallen behind, and maybe looks down on himself for it? I definitely don’t get very confident vibes from his character, at the very least.

Brendan had felt for the first time like a real part of the team. Now, though, he was back to being along for the ride. Already, they had opened an entire door without him, while his contributions had mostly been dumb luck.

That feeling when everybody else in the escape room is smarter than you.

What would happen to them if he never made it back to the surface? How long would their pokeballs hold them in stasis? Five hundred years from now, would some enterprising archaeologist discover them among Brendan's bones?

So Brendan is clearly uncomfortable and out of his element here, which makes me wonder...why is he here, then? In fact, I’m not sure what he’s doing at all—he was a trainer with May at one point, apparently, but then...did he quit? Is he still training but taking a break and exploring other avenues? How did he get himself here?

"It's like the rest of the world doesn't exist! No emails down here." Steven laughed, his smile a white crescent. "Turns out the secret to inner peace was right under our feet all along. How long do you think it would take for them to hunt me down and find me here?"

Poor Steven. He just wants to be himself and not be bothered or judged by anyone. I want to hug him.

"Just a little," said Brendan, cracking a smile. "Probably making Harrison's job harder, but at least you look good."

He froze, watching for Steven's reaction. What on earth had made him say that? In his head, it had sounded funny, maybe, but out loud ...

Oh?? 👀 do I...do I smell a ship?

"With that level of security leading up to it? No." Steven shook his head, looking pained. "There must be a way to wake it up. Something we're missing." He turned and, catching his own eyes reflected on the surface of the red orb, broke into a smile.

Beside him, Brendan blanched. "Maybe we should wait for Har—"

Reaching up, Steven laid hands on either side of the orb. "It's warm," he said, surprised. Then he easily lifted it off and brought it down to eye level.

Oh, frick. Red orb?? This can ONLY end well, I’m sure.

There was a half-filled carton of eggs in the fridge and a tupperware of leftover pasta sauce, but Natalie didn't have it in her to actually cook anything. Maybe later. Instead, she rolled together deli meat slices and Kraft Singles, demolishing the wad in two bites. Then, with a jar of peanut butter and the oran juice carton tucked under one arm, she dragged herself to the couch and curled up under a blanket like she did when she was sick. She nibbled peanut butter from a spoon and clicked through TV channels. When she landed at last on a trainer travel advisory, she stopped out of habit.

Have...have you spied on my personal eating habits? I pretty much do this exact same thing when I’m too tired to cook, peanut butter and all, haha! What a straight up mood.

Dense, curdled clouds bulged over Mount Chimney, stretching out of frame. Natalie stopped with the spoon halfway to her mouth. She'd known Mount Chimney was a volcano, but she'd thought it was long dead.

OH. Is this...because of the red orb??

"We study volcanic activity to predict the likelihood of violent, destructive eruptions. Of course, there's no such thing as absolute certainty when it comes to volcanoes, but as of right now, there's no reason to be overly concerned."

Press X to doubt.

The camera panned across the crowd of emergency responders and trainers at the water's edge and—They're still there! Natalie bolted upright. She tried to pick out familiar faces, but all she saw were blue bandanas streaked with soot.

"Historically, the extremist group ORCA has had a violent, antagonistic relationship with local authorities, claiming credit for a number of destructive acts in and around Slateport. Today, however, they're joining the cleanup efforts."

Was kind of surprised at this, to be honest. Wouldn’t Orca members be leery of being out in public like this, especially when camera crews are involved? Any one of them could easily be recognized and arrested for their previous crimes, right?

The girl primly folded her clipboard against her neon vest. "At this time, we are only taking in volunteers who've filled out the online form."

I’m sorry, what?? Lady, people are wanting to help and you’re preventing them because of some BS policy, but go off, I guess. Jeez.

Shelly nudged her. Pointing with her chin, she told Natalie, "I'm going to help those guys round up grimer."

I love Shelly. Shelly is friend-shaped.

It was wretched work, but the ORCA sailors cracked dirty jokes and kept each other laughing through it. Despite herself, Natalie joined in; any excuse to laugh was a relief. Every so often, someone split off, returning with armfuls of fresh water bottles and potions before she had even noticed they'd left.


She gave herself permission to look around at the surrounding sailors, the ragtag crew who stood between Magma and acts of destruction. The ones who had shown up to help without being asked, without thanks. The ones who'd shown her around their ship and made sure she never ate alone. They chattered amongst themselves, stretched, drank water, or tended to their pokemon. Even at rest, each of them looked ready to leap up and throw a punch at a moment's notice.

And they stared back at her, not bothering to hide it. Clearly, Sinbad didn't care what they heard—he trusted them. He believed in them.

Really love the camaraderie being shown here. ORCA is like a family unit, working together and trusting in one another, even if their methods might be...questionable. Can’t help but root for ORCA over MGMA at this point, although I’m sure they have their own issues that will pop up in more detail later.

Natalie had picked her mightyena up from the pokecenter on the way home, and Luna had spent the last hour curled on the bed, hind paws tucked under her chin. At the mention of dinner, she leapt into motion, barking and prancing circles around Natalie.

She laughed, relieved. "You're feeling better, huh?"

And then Luna launched herself through a shadow on the wall, trailing black vapor.

"Luna, no! Sit!"

Luna is adorable. Luna is baby.

"Sure. And maybe she can independently let us know every so often that she hasn't been trafficked out to Orre."

HA. I see that Orre reference!

Behind him, the table was set for three, an empty space in front of the fourth chair.

ouch. :(

A thought had occurred to her: "You still in there?" she'd said, at once feeling ridiculous—but then the watch had chimed with a text alert, a smiling emoticon from Zinfandel.
When she pulled back the visor, a text alert was waiting for her: ; )

Hahaha I love this a lot. This just gave Z so much personality. I hope we get to see more of this Porygon! Speaking of which, who is her (her?) trainer? Archie?

"Yeah, but ..." For a moment, she wanted to tell Mom everything, but she stopped short of finding the words. "The world is so messed up. I don't want to be part of the problem, but I don't know what to actually do."

I feel you, Natalie. I feel you.

Mom considered that for a moment. "I think the most important thing is to try to be as kind as possible as often as possible and leave the world a little brighter than you found it."

Natalie shook her head, burrowing her face deeper into Mom's neck. "Is that enough?"

"I don't know about enough. Each of us can only do the best we can." She began to stroke Natalie's hair. "But don't underestimate the power of kindness, Natalie. Sometimes the little things are the most important."

This was a sweet sentiment, and wise words, but I hope they aren’t empty ones.

Maybe if they were somewhere else, alone, he might've talked about Ridge Access. This week, a Slateport paper called The Trumpet had published an article about the local gulpin population. How they lived on the Route 110 marsh and nowhere else in Hoenn, quietly eating the garbage that trainers left behind. How the grimer attracted to the spill were now out-competing the gulpin and rotting the grasses in their wake. Montag must've already known and factored it into his equation ... but Mark hadn't.

Really interesting to see Mark’s conviction waning while Natalie is just now finding hers.

The stain kept spreading, across the marsh and across his thoughts.

oooh nice comparison.


Ore beamed pride into Mark's head as cheers rang out all around. "Yeah, you did good," he laughed. He called to Raquel, "You too. Come on, let's send these guys back to where they came from."

She nodded quickly. Her gaze was more focused and, since he couldn't read much else in her expression, he chose to take it as a good sign.

hmm. Is this girl sus? I feel like I should be suspicious.

Magma's ranks drew closer together, and a prickly quiet set in. Raquel and her baltoy hung in Hux's shadow. Nearby, Mark spotted Eben, hunched beside his graveler. Rand panted, leaning forward on his knuckles and swaying like a runner readying for the starting gun. To the other side, the Draconids raised their fists one by one. None of them spoke.

The tension was really well-written in this moment. Felt very tangible and real.

Stone shouted something, and then, slowly and soundlessly, the metagross rose onto its rear legs, blotting out the light. When it smashed down, everything went sideways.

Uh, excuse me? Get that cliffhanger OUT OF MY FACE. D:

also, that’s what you get for underestimating Steven, Mark. Suck it.
 

Flaze

Don't stop, keep walking
Location
Chile
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. infernape
Okay, I actually read this like five days ago but with life and all of tha thappening it's taken me this long to get to writing the review. I'm sorry >.<

This chapter is both the longest so far and also the one that covers the most story. That being said, I think the chapter works especially because it's the first time we truly get to be in Mark's thought process for a long period of time. We've seen things from his POV and learned more about his relationship with his family, Montag, Cora and the other members of magma. But most of the time he shares the spotlight with Natalie and in the case of the big character moments so far it's been focused on Natalie, with Mark getting a chance in the aftermath.

Making Mark the sole POV character here allows us to get even more into his headspace, but also see the cracks forming. Mark joined Magma because he wanted to help Hoenn, like Natalie he just wants to feel that his life is worth it, that he's helping and making the world a better place. Of course this also comes from his failed attempts to help back in Virbank and because he wants to make the world better for his little sister.

However, the more he gets involved with Magma, and the more we learn about them, the more Mark realizes that maybe the way they're going about it isn't the best either. They're doing their best to help Hoenn, sure...but is the kind of radical measure where you're blowing up pipelines and willingly causing disasters in the hope of maybe punching the establishment hard enough for them to do what you want really worth it when the people of Hoenn also suffer. The environment is important, but it feels like a lot of the time Magma is so focused on the cause that they forget about the collateral.

It's really cool that Mark is the character who has to make himself these questions, especially as he starts wondering if he really does deserve to be a "savior" to Hoenn when he's not actually tied to the problems its people face. You drive this point home even more by showing us that Cora isn't from Hoenn either and how the majority of Magma is really more behind Montag's idea of what it should be.

We also see that contrast with the Draconids and their cause. Sure, what Devon is trying to do at Metfalls will be bad for Hoenn but...the consequences will affect the people as well, and at the end of the day an environment can only be saved by its people. Maybe Spitfire and her group don't do enough when it comes to pushing back against Devon, but they still want Hoenn to feel like it's a problem that the people of Hoenn have to solve and not something you can just brute force.

I rambled...a lot, I'll probably go into more details about these things in my highlight.

Anyways, to add to that I also liked the worldbuilding in this chapter and how you expanded on Metfalls as well as the Draconids, showing us a little bit of their culture. Also, as last minute as it may be, I think you came up with some really interesting concepts and idea in regards to how the police deals with raids and their usage of different pokemon and anti-pokemon equipment. The same thing applies to Magma's counter-strategies and preparations against them.

Actually that's another thing, it kind of felt like watching a strategic RPG in a way. I think you really got that feeling of it being a struggle between two groups down and setting the scene for what each group had to do in order to "win" with Magma and the protestors keeping the higher ground to prevent the police from climbing the mountain.

Now I'll get into the highlights so I can ramble on more.

She didn't even look. "That's Rudy. From Lavaridge." Like Montag, she didn't have to add—as if that were a metric for trust. Well, he hoped her judgement was better than his: in another life, if things had gone differently in Rustboro, he would've brought Natalie the ORCA lackey as a plus-one.

Mark pls, she wasn't with ORCA back then.

Maybe if they were somewhere else, alone, he might've talked about Ridge Access. This week, a Slateport paper called The Trumpet had published an article about the local gulpin population. How they lived on the Route 110 marsh and nowhere else in Hoenn, quietly eating the garbage that trainers left behind. How the grimer attracted to the spill were now out-competing the gulpin and rotting the grasses in their wake. Montag must've already known and factored it into his equation ... but Mark hadn't.

The chapter opener does a good job of setting us up to where Mark's mindset is right nwo and I really liked this. On top of adding more detail on what we saw in the last chapter about grimer, we also learn that Mark is starting to have an inkling of doubt on Montag. That his plans are getting increasingly more drastic and risky to the point they're risking hurting the very thing they vowed to protect in order to make a point. It also showcases that Mark is more than just a Magma member, he cares enough about the cause that he's willing to question where he stands.

As a half-circle began to form around Cora, Mark hung back to take up his usual position as the rearguard. There were always a few people still getting their shit together: scrambling to lace their shoes, digging in their bags for a bandana, whispering admonishments at a pokemon that wanted to nap. For now, he let the stragglers finish what they were doing but kept his eye on them. In ones and twos, they joined the weave of bodies. He nodded to them as they passed, clapping a few of them on the back—grounding both them and himself.

I think it's a pretty realistic way of showcasing how these kind of group protests work as they're trying to get together. Everyone always has second thoughts or feels uneasy and it showcases what the different roles of the leaders are. Cora's louder, more charismatic and so she's up front, but Mark is more attentive and mindful so he's in charge of making the others feel like they belong.

Mark cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "Mask up, tighten up! Let's go!" The stragglers jumped: if they didn't recognize him by his voice, they recognized Ore. One of them hurriedly stamped out their cigarette butt and—"What are you doing? Fuck no. Pick it up and pack it out."

Yeah man, why the fuck are you littering when you're part of an environmentalist group?

At that, her baltoy stilled, but she continued to frown. "It's not just that."

"They wanna dig a coal mine. We say—"

"Burn it down!"


Raquel finally looked him in the face, her expression pained. "I mean … do we know us being there won't make things worse?" Like Rustboro, she didn't have to add.

Uuuugghgghgh sosjdfloksd so good. I already mentioned it a lot but the way you highlight Mark's feelings even more through Rachel is perfect. He gets to see how she's feeling uneasy about what they're doing and realizes that he can't immediately correct her like he would at the start of the story. Plus it makes sense that there'll be more people in Magma having second thoughts.

But as Magma spread across the plateau, the protesters stood up, muttering. The poem-reader trailed off; in the ensuing quiet, distant nincadas buzzed. The cliff was just wide enough to allow the two groups to stare each other down across a distance of several dozen yards.

This battle feels more like a three way standoff than a normal one.

He said into his mic, "Looks like the townies had enough."

Cora's voice crackled back, "Thoughts and prayers."

That was savage, Cora. Wow.

"Where did they get a fucking tyrantrum?" He doubted the government would've been experimenting with establishing a population, not even to draw tourists to the Safari Zone. Stolen, then. Good for them. That explained why the cops hadn't been able to drive them from the build site yet: dragons were better than thoughts and prayers.

I mean dragons are better than most of anything.

The Draconid woman waited for Magma's cheers to subside before she spoke again. "You can't fight us and still fight for Hoenn."

She makes a good point.

But they weren't coming for Magma. The construction crew turned off the path, away from the mountain. Instead, the machines jounced and growled towards the protester camp where cook fire smoke trailed into the sky. The protesters on the plateau howled in dismay, a few of them rushing forward, as if they could beat the bulldozers on foot.

Wtffff, I mean I know you said you based this on real life events but still...reality is so cruel.

Still, the explosions made him wince, not for the cops but for the voltorbs. Supposedly, pain wasn't in their programming. What did bodily destruction mean to a being cached on the cloud, ready to be downloaded into a freshly assembled shell? But the voltorbs' internal mechanisms strained against their fall, and it sounded too much like screams.

I really liked this detail about the voltorbs because it makes a ton of sense. Voltorb is one of those pokemon that many people don't really touch on because...they're complicated, but I think it's a good way to highlight how they're technological pokemon in that they're essentially AI like porygon but without the capacity to travle through devices like it. Also it's a good way to justify them exploding so much...tho I do wonder how annoying it must be to have a voltorb and have to change its body every time it uses self-destruct.

Meanwhile, Mark had already sent out three of his pokemon, meaning he only had three left in reserve—fuck. No, only two.

It's so tragic and so good how Mark's constantly having to remember that he no longer has Gibs with him.

Rustboro had been the same, he reminded himself, and Fortree before that and Lilycove before that, and on and on all the way back to his first protest in Virbank. No plan or structure could hold up forever … and it didn't matter. Magma would never be able to defeat Rustboro PD's pokemon in an out-and-out fight as long as they were running government-issue portable healers, but it wasn't about their pokemon. A healing machine couldn't fix destroyed machinery or mend human tissue, and it wouldn't hold a frightened cop in line when his self-preservation instincts kicked in. A cop fought on orders; Magma fought out of love and rage. Duty always lost that contest in the end. Montag wouldn't have sent them here if he didn't think it mattered, if he didn't think they could handle it. So they'd fucking handle it.

I actually hadn't thought about details like this before but it does make sense. Even if they lose the struggle all they have to do is give them enough of a fight to scare them, to make themselves bigger threats so that the police will think twice the next time they have to fight. That being said, the paragraph also highlights how devoted Magma's members are to Montag and fulfilling his ideals, to the point they're willing to throw their lives away, not too different from ORCA's members and Sinbad.

Actually on that note, it is a nice parallel how Natalie is falling deeper in with ORCA as Mark is having second thoughts on Magma.

Thankfully, the darmanitan pulled up short, casually dropped the manectric it had snatched up, and loped back to Mark. He'd worked himself into a lather, but it didn't stop him from reaching up to grab the back of Mark's head to pull him closer for inspection, breathing hotly on his face. When he determined that nothing was wrong with his human, he dropped back to all fours and turned toward the crowd.

This was just really cute.

Even as he spoke, one masterball flew less than an inch from the tyrantrum snout. But they either didn't hear him or wouldn't do it. The Draconids continued batting down masterballs with their signs.

It's still interesting how they use masterballs here and how they're police-issued. Though it would've been cool to see stuff like the snag machines from Orre or something since they accomplish a similar function.

he say two helicopters skulking overhead instead of only one

I don't know if someone else mentioned it already but this should say saw.

Mark couldn't help himself: he let out a laugh. No doubt Steven Stone could trounce him one-on-one in a stadium under the watchful eye of a referee … but what did the former League champion know about street fighting? What a golden fucking opportunity to land a solid hit on DevCo. Much better than wrecking a defunct digger.

I don't know Mark, I wouldn't call victory that quickly when it comes to Steven Stone either. Guy's nuts enough as is.

Stone shouted something, and then, slowly and soundlessly, the metagross rose onto its rear legs, blotting out the light. When it smashed down, everything went sideways.

That's a really chilling and psychedelic note to end on. I know you had to split this chapter in two and I think you picked the best possible cliffhanger for it.

Anyways, super great chapter, I can't wait for chapter 13 to come out and to see hwo this conflict, both the one in the chapter and Mark's, is resolved.
 

WildBoots

Don’t underestimate seeds.
Location
smol scream
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. moka-mark
  2. solrock
OMG you're both caught up! (Huff, puff, better figure out this fussy scene in Chapter 13 quickly! :D )

hahaha am I trying to review 6 chapters in one fell swoop? Yep.
:o

may I just say, I am SO invested in this story.
:D So glad to hear it.

Thank you for this blessed feast of beautiful (if rather explosive) imagery.
What can I say. I've got a lot of feelings, and some of them can only be expressed through fictional explosions.

!!! STEVEN! My BOY!
OMG, your love is so pure, haha. It'll be interesting to see how your takes on him change (or don't?) as the story progresses!

I think he's one of the kindest characters we encounter in Hoenn, but this story has some real questions for him about power and responsibility, too. Also, he's definitely on the side of police and big oil in this setting, even if he would rather play with rocks. So ... something there left to be desired, haha.

Ha! Is this a reference to the sign in Emerald that had Aqua graffiti, which was then painted over by Magma graffiti?
It actually wasn't! I forgot about that! But it's a good parallel. I'm definitely not mad about it.

Lol, is this a shoutout to Suicune’s Choice? Although, the case with the electrikes is a very different one in that story.
I think it was, yes! It's hard to pin down since Pen and I started posting these two fics around the same time and have been having so many conversations behind the scenes. It's a little chicken/egg. But I do think she got around to making her point about Hoenn electric power before I did.

Brilliant! I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone try to explain it before, it just kind of was the way it was. I like this a lot.
I think in most settings, it isn't needed! In my more realistic setting ... I had questions, lol.

Gibs’ pokeball! Poor thing. So is it common to keep a Pokémon in their ball for days on end in this world? Are they kept in stasis so they don’t go hungry? Curious as to how that works in this story.
I'll give some more direct answers about this in a future chapter! Hasn't been the right moment yet since folks have been, uh, busy. But there is an answer coming! Basically, they can chill in their pokeballs for a long time and be fine, technically, but it's not ideal for several reasons.

Hmm, interesting to see the comparisons between ORCA and MGMA here. So far, ORCA seems decently unified under one leader, and MGMA is a little more organized with sub-groups and lower level leaders, but with less unity.
I think that's true right now! I think of ORCA as more of a free-for-all, less organized, but I haven't had as much space to explore that yet. Soon, hopefully!

So it sounds like Pokeballs are a little stuffy if a Pokémon is kept inside for long periods of time? If so, poor Gibs! :(
Gibs is having a sad time. :c Again, that other shoe will drop eventually!

I like that this isn’t just about Amelia here, but about Natalie, too.
I am shameless about it: my pokemon characters are often proxies for their humans more than characters of their own right.

“Dashboard bobblehead” is the best description I’ve ever heard for a Porygon Z and I am here for it.
She wibble, she wobble.

Oof, and there it is. It’s all so bitterly ironic, considering the Team’s goals are essentially the same thing, and yet they end up on opposing sides anyway. Can’t help but agree with Archie here. At this rate, with MGMA’s methods, will there even be a Hoenn left to save after they’ve made their point?
Yeah, there's some serious hypocrisy happening on both ends of the spectrum. Again, that other shoe will drop sooner or later. There's lots of stupid to go around in Hoenn.

!!! I LOVE that you used silence to depict the impact of the explosion.
From what I've heard and read, you don't usually hear explosions when you're that close to them! Something about what your brain can process and how overwhelming/sudden it is.

Let the angsty reunion commence!
The real take on RSE is 7.8/10 not enough angst, TBH.

OH. Mark does not play. Yikes.
NOPE. He super doesn't. Hi, welcome to Hoenn.

Didn’t he think she was a member of ORCA, though? And thereby had experience with stuff like this? Or maybe he thought she was a fresh ORCA recruit?
He thinks she's a fresh recruit. In deep enough to BETRAY HIM, GASP, but not in so deep that she's as cool and badass as he is.

The “And Luna” sentence read like Luna was also covering her ears. Maybe “And Luna—where was she?”
Good point!

Jeez, so she tells them she got jumped and they just shuffle her along? Wouldn’t they want her to try to file out some kind of police report? Or is this so common they just move on?
These guys are basically a vet/hospital, so they can't really take a police report (unless it relates to pokemon abuse). The most they can do is suggest she go to the police station and make a report. I could add that in easily enough: she'll pass on that offer.

Wasn’t Roxanne the first gym leader? Unless she went out of order for her badges?
In chapter one, she already has badges from Mauville and Dewford. I don't stick to the in-game badge order in this setting. Is a trainer from Lilycove supposed to trek all the way to Rustboro before they can start? Seems silly to me.


Ouch. Powerful sentence. Mark has lost his entire home and is in the process of losing his sister to the atrocities being committed on the environment. Again, no wonder he’s so deeply invested and angry about it all—not that someone needs a personal reason to be angry about this, because it’s horrible as it is anyway, but it definitely adds a lot to our understanding of his character.
A clarification here: Virbank is still there! It's got worse air quality than ever (though official reports insist it's fine because it all "dissipated into the atmosphere"), but lots of people still live there, including his mom. The events in Virbank were based on an oil refinery that exploded in my city last summer. 🙃 He made a choice to leave it.

That feeling when everybody else in the escape room is smarter than you.
OMG, so apt. Except they're trying to get into this room.

So Brendan is clearly uncomfortable and out of his element here, which makes me wonder...why is he here, then? In fact, I’m not sure what he’s doing at all—he was a trainer with May at one point, apparently, but then...did he quit? Is he still training but taking a break and exploring other avenues? How did he get himself here?
Steven and Brandon definitely needed an assistant. There's a lot of information to sift through, especially considering Steven has other responsibilities and Brandon isn't as mobile as he once was. Brendan is earnest, able-bodied, and (bonus) someone who can be sniped out from under May Palmer. Yoink. I think Brendan would've met Steven during his journey, and after Steven lost the championship he decided to reach out with an offer Brendan couldn't refuse.

Oh?? 👀do I...do I smell a ship?
Hmmmm is it a ship if it's completely one-sided? 🙃 Definitely a crush, poor guy.

Have...have you spied on my personal eating habits? I pretty much do this exact same thing when I’m too tired to cook, peanut butter and all, haha! What a straight up mood.
HAHA. Yeah, this has been a real mood. I was writing this scene during the US election, so ... Mood upon Mood upon Mood.

OH. Is this...because of the red orb??
Whaaaaaat nooooo. Why would you say that.

Was kind of surprised at this, to be honest. Wouldn’t Orca members be leery of being out in public like this, especially when camera crews are involved? Any one of them could easily be recognized and arrested for their previous crimes, right?
Being with a group offers a lot of protection. It's not illegal to be in a gang, even though gangs partake in illegal activities. The court would still have to prove one individual performed a specific illegal action. And right now Archie gives a lot more fucks about the cleanup than about getting in trouble. He'll just get back on his boat and zoom away later.

I’m sorry, what?? Lady, people are wanting to help and you’re preventing them because of some BS policy, but go off, I guess. Jeez.
In the real world, it's unlikely that untrained volunteers would be allowed to help at all. Especially one she thinks is in a gang and could stir up trouble.

I love Shelly. Shelly is friend-shaped.
Yeah, we had to get a break in here somewhere, haha.

Can’t help but root for ORCA over MGMA at this point, although I’m sure they have their own issues that will pop up in more detail later.
I think that's fair! I think ORCA is worse than what Natalie has seen so far, but Magma might still be worse. Good news: we don't have to choose. It's not a hot take to say they both suck.

HA. I see that Orre reference!
I had no idea how apt it was! OSAS blew my mind on this front.

This just gave Z so much personality. I hope we get to see more of this Porygon! Speaking of which, who is her (her?) trainer? Archie?
I have no idea if she'll be back or not! I'm not sure if she belongs to any one trainer. I think she's just ... ORCA's. She's almost part of the ship. But if Archie were to take ownership, nobody would argue with him.

This was a sweet sentiment, and wise words, but I hope they aren’t empty ones.
I don't think they're empty for Mom! But, certainly, Natalie is having trouble finding a practical application for them right now.

Really interesting to see Mark’s conviction waning while Natalie is just now finding hers.
👀 Seesaw.

hmm. Is this girl sus? I feel like I should be suspicious.
Well, she's got a name for a reason! We're not done with her quite yet.

Uh, excuse me? Get that cliffhanger OUT OF MY FACE. D:
Haha, sorry! This was originally one loooooong chapter, but all together it would've been 14k words. Too much for one sitting. Hopefully will be done with the second half soon! Just have one more tricky scene I'm fixing.

So glad you're having fun with it! Thanks for all those thoughts.

This chapter is both the longest so far and also the one that covers the most story.
Technically, Chapter 11 is the longest; now that this one has been split, it's not the longest anymore,

I think the chapter works especially because it's the first time we truly get to be in Mark's thought process for a long period of time.
Yeah, I've been noticing and kind of amused by how terse Mark's chapters are at the beginning ... and then how he suddenly has a lot to say when things start to melt down.

it feels like a lot of the time Magma is so focused on the cause that they forget about the collateral.
I love the alliteration of cause/collateral, and I think this is apt.

especially as he starts wondering if he really does deserve to be a "savior" to Hoenn when he's not actually tied to the problems its people face.
Love "savior" in quotes, haha. Yup. I think he is tied to its problems--DevCo is big and powerful!--but he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of Magma's actions in the same way that others do, no.

We also see that contrast with the Draconids and their cause. Sure, what Devon is trying to do at Metfalls will be bad for Hoenn but...the consequences will affect the people as well, and at the end of the day an environment can only be saved by its people. Maybe Spitfire and her group don't do enough when it comes to pushing back against Devon, but they still want Hoenn to feel like it's a problem that the people of Hoenn have to solve and not something you can just brute force.
Ah, yes and no! I think the best solution for a place involves the people that are from there, yes. But I think it's more than that: Hoenn can't be separated from its people. I'm also not sure I agree that the Root Revolution isn't doing enough! Mark isn't exactly an unbiased source here.

Mark pls, she wasn't with ORCA back then.
I love how you keep wanting to shake him by the shoulders to be reasonable, lol. SHE HURT HIS FEELINGS, FLAZE.

It also showcases that Mark is more than just a Magma member, he cares enough about the cause that he's willing to question where he stands.
Yup, my planning documents for this sucker list out a bunch of factions ... and then Mark, Natalie, Steven, and one other person as additional independent actors.

He gets to see how she's feeling uneasy about what they're doing and realizes that he can't immediately correct her like he would at the start of the story. Plus it makes sense that there'll be more people in Magma having second thoughts.
Like him!

This battle feels more like a three way standoff than a normal one.
HAHA, yup. It's like a bunch of little armies. Plus individual pokemon. Oof. Lots of fun! Also a big headache. Labor of love.

I mean dragons are better than most of anything.
Truer words never spoken.

Wtffff, I mean I know you said you based this on real life events but still...reality is so cruel.
Yeah. :c A big CD mood is a) wondering if I've made the cops big enough assholes and b) being mad at the news for one-upping my plot points.

I really liked this detail about the voltorbs because it makes a ton of sense.
Voltorb is one of those pokemon I kinda pretend doesn't exist--I think they're boring--so I was a little mad when I realized how much sense it made for the cops to use them here. I had a whole time of trying to make them make sense in this setting. Glad you enjoyed it!

It's so tragic and so good how Mark's constantly having to remember that he no longer has Gibs with him.
Yup, the gift that keeps on giving. We'll get somewhere new with that eventually! In the meantime, nope, he has not forgotten his best cat pal.

That being said, the paragraph also highlights how devoted Magma's members are to Montag and fulfilling his ideals, to the point they're willing to throw their lives away
Hooooold that thought. 🙃

Thanks for taking the time to give me those thoughts! Always nice to hear from you.
 

IFBench

Rescue Team Member
Location
Pokemon Paradise
Partners
  1. chikorita-saltriv
  2. bench-gen
  3. charmander
  4. snivy
  5. treecko
  6. tropius
  7. arctozolt
  8. wartortle
  9. zorua
I'm here to leave a review on chapters 1 and 2 for now!

First off, I LOVE how you describe things. It's all so detailed and vivid and thorough and just so good!

That acronym for Magma is really good, and feels like something that could actually exist! Great job!

The bit with the Banette was quite interesting. I have a feeling that that wound that Natalie got from it is going to come into play later.

The exposition about Natalie's past, while very exposition-y, didn't feel out of place at all! It's flowed nicely into and out of. Well done!

I also quite like how Natalie was jolted out of her thoughts. It's always fun when time's still passing when a character is thinking.

Interesting how there's gym trainers in addition to gym leaders in this. Seems like a pretty interesting system.

Huh, intriguing how Natalie seems to be on the news a lot, and at the forefront of it, too. Wonder why that could be?

Red River. Heh.

Interesting how Mark doesn't seem to like working at the gym. Must be hard dealing with so many ambitious trainers. No wonder he seems to look down on trainers.

So Natalie is here to find out what happened to her brother. Given how he was working on an election campaign when he disappeared, I'm going to guess nothing good.

Oh boy. Oil spills. Those are never good.

Again, love the detail, especially with the Pelipper section.

Oh dear. Family drama. I wonder if that's another reason Natalie is here, away from home.

Given this is a story heavily involving environmentalism, I wonder if we'll see any Galarain Corsola in this?

I love the way this chapter ends, with the "making the world a better place" line. Really solid line to leave things off on, and shows Natalie's motivations. Very well done.

Overall, a very good introductory chapter, that establishes a lot of things, and leaves intrigue and mystery to keep the reader hooked.

Now for chapter 2! I like how the perspective switches to Mark in this chapter! Perspective shifts are always fun, and it helps establish him as the second of our main duo.

So Mark has some beef with Roxanne. Interesting. Does she perhaps support DevCo and their pipeline, or some other projects that could harm the environment, and that's why?

Very interesting how Mark is sometimes supposed to lose battles. I wonder just how many trainers he would have stopped if he tried his best every time?

The battle betwen Mark and Natalie is really good! Lots of fluid action, lots of tension, lots of detail, didn't end too quickly or drag on for too long, all very well done! I especially like how Luna came back after almost being downed by that Rockslide.

Ooh, interesting, seems Mark is thinking of recruiting Natalie for the cause he's a part of!

I quite liked the small discussion between Natalie and Mark outside the gym. Very good. I like Gibson.

And Mark actually does seem to get Natalie to join the protest! Oh boy. Sounds like it's going to be dangerous.

Overall, a great chapter that further establishes both Mark and the world, and shows how battling works. I look forward to reading more!
 

unrepentantAuthor

A cat that writes stories.
Location
UK
Pronouns
they/she
Partners
  1. purrloin-salem
  2. sneasel-dusk
  3. luz-companion
  4. brisa-companion
  5. meowth-laura
  6. delphox-jesse
  7. mewtwo
  8. zeraora
Mark POV! Should be fun. Definitely a different vibe, although not that strong yet. They're not totally dissimilar personalities as far as I can tell...

"Civic engagement," nice.

Got that realistic drama feel in the dialogue again. I enjoy it.

Chuckling bitterly at this Hilary gal not wanting to join an activist group because her boss is a good person, really.

I have a FEELING that Nat will not, in fact, be his friend. Oof.

Your prose is still extremely smooth. I'd forgotten how fucking good it was. Cinematic, even, in a TV serial kinda way.

Really like the little look at what the responsibilities of a gym trainer actually entail, and how he's much more competent than he would seem to naive young circuit trainers. Throwing matches all day long sounds hellishly boring the way it's described here. Almost rote.

Natalie's appearance is expected, but no less enjoyable for it. The contrast between Mark and Aisha is a bit of fun, as is the contrast between Nat and the other rookies. Absolutely adore that Orwell throws a shield over Mark. I'm such a sucker for pokémon and trainers protecting each other.

The battle is pretty exciting stuff! Manages to feel dynamic, tactical, and yet true to canon all at once. The characterisation of these very different pokémon is great too. And I just love how the effects of the attacks as they land can be really felt in evocative sensory details like the limp and the burning hair, and also in Orwell abandoning its secondary psychic efforts to focus on getting free.

The gym would almost certainly not be open tomorrow, but he couldn't say that here.
OHOHOHOHOHOHO IS THAT SO

Liepard! Good. :3

Badges and bullshit! I figure this is her being impressionable, but part of me likes to think she went for that at least a little deliberately. He's definitely the more socially tactical person, but she's not totally naive, as I recall. Still naive enough to escalate when he warns her off the protest. Whoops.

Nice chapter. Excited to get round to more!
 
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WildBoots

Don’t underestimate seeds.
Location
smol scream
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. moka-mark
  2. solrock
A few more review replies! Thank you both!

First off, I LOVE how you describe things. It's all so detailed and vivid and thorough and just so good!
Hi, Bench! Thanks so much for stopping by! I definitely work hard on my scene-setting, so I'm glad to hear it's paying off and that it worked for you!

That acronym for Magma is really good, and feels like something that could actually exist! Great job!
Ah, yes! I'm definitely interested in using pokemon to comment on things I see and feel about the real world, so I drew on real-world activist group naming conventions.

The bit with the Banette was quite interesting. I have a feeling that that wound that Natalie got from it is going to come into play later.
It might come into play eventually! I would like for it to, though at this point it would be a hellova callback, lol. Pacing is tricky here--lots of moving pieces!

Huh, intriguing how Natalie seems to be on the news a lot, and at the forefront of it, too. Wonder why that could be?
Oh, I think this is about the "I don't want to be another headline"/"Local girl fatally murdered by crime" lines, right? She's never literally been on the news. She's saying that if she were stabbed in a back alley, it would probably be a headline in the worst way, similar to the doomy news articles her dad is always sending her. She doesn't want to be another statistic.

Given how he was working on an election campaign when he disappeared, I'm going to guess nothing good.
I guess it depends on your definition of good! From a reader perspective ... yeeeeeah, probably not. 🙃 I think he'd argue he was off doing a lot of good, though. There are definitely answers to what he's been up to in a few chapters.

Oh dear. Family drama. I wonder if that's another reason Natalie is here, away from home.
I explored her family in detail in chapter 11, so if you read that far ahead you'll get to see exactly what their dynamic is like!

Given this is a story heavily involving environmentalism, I wonder if we'll see any Galarain Corsola in this?
👀 Bennnnnnnch. You smartie. They haven't appeared yet as of this writing, but I expect to tinker with them a little in the next chapter I'm writing (which will be chapter 14). I'm really excited to mess with them.

So Mark has some beef with Roxanne. Interesting. Does she perhaps support DevCo and their pipeline, or some other projects that could harm the environment, and that's why?
Chapter 3 clarifies this a tiny bit, but basically DevCo wants to build a pipeline through Meteor Falls and she isn't speaking out against it. Locals are pissed not only because it's disruptive to the environment (and, presumably, pokemon!) but also because it's a water source for this area: if a pipeline were to spill up there, it would pollute water all the way downstream. We don't know exactly what Roxanne has done except to speak out in favor of the environmental impact assessment that the company had written--basically a document arguing "look, it's fine, any damage we do will be small and reasonable and the risks are low, it's chill!" She's not a politician and she's not elected, but she is a public figure, so what she says can definitely influence people. Soooo folks are mad at her for siding with Devon.

Very interesting how Mark is sometimes supposed to lose battles. I wonder just how many trainers he would have stopped if he tried his best every time?
In this setting, I nuked the game's gym badge order--you can challenge them in any order and the gym leader will try to give you a fair challenge based on your skill level. (This would've been Natalie's 3rd badge if she'd gone on to challenge Roxanne.) So they don't go all out against new trainers, no. But! That's a very good question. 😈 There are definitely some moments where we get to see Mark fighting his hardest, don't you worry. Chapter 9 comes to mind.

And Mark actually does seem to get Natalie to join the protest! Oh boy. Sounds like it's going to be dangerous.
Haha, not in the way he wanted, though! He was expecting to be in control of the situation ... and isn't. The next chapter is all about the protest and how it goes down, so if you decide to keep reading you'll definitely find out about it soon!

They're not totally dissimilar personalities as far as I can tell...
Haha, in many key ways, no, they're not! The core conceit of this story is about reaching across the aisle to find commonalities and work together, so it's definitely not an accident that they have a lot in common. (And I think they have more similarities than is clear by this point in the story, so they'll keep coming!) I'm also thinking about how often we dislike something in another person because it's something we dislike about ourselves. Hypocrisy is also a repeating theme throughout, and I think it comes into play with how these two relate to each other, too. In particular, Mark thinks of himself as being cool and in control ... but he makes reckless decisions probably as often as plucky little Natalie does.

Chuckling bitterly at this Hilary gal not wanting to join an activist group because her boss is a good person, really.
Yeah, it's a real mood. Making change is hard and it often demands we give up comforts or personal safety. :c So, I kinda feel her, but ... I named her Hilary on purpose, lol. She's not even willing to make a small sacrifice of her time here. She doesn't want to deal.

I have a FEELING that Nat will not, in fact, be his friend. Oof.
Golly gee, why ever not? I guess it depends what scale you're thinking about haha. Someday.

Your prose is still extremely smooth. I'd forgotten how fucking good it was. Cinematic, even, in a TV serial kinda way.
Ahh thank you! This is lovely to hear.

Absolutely adore that Orwell throws a shield over Mark. I'm such a sucker for pokémon and trainers protecting each other.
Boy do I have good news for you, then! We've got a lot of that here in Hoenn.

The battle is pretty exciting stuff! Manages to feel dynamic, tactical, and yet true to canon all at once. The characterisation of these very different pokémon is great too. And I just love how the effects of the attacks as they land can be really felt in evocative sensory details like the limp and the burning hair, and also in Orwell abandoning its secondary psychic efforts to focus on getting free.
This is nice to hear! I'm sick to death of looking at this battle, so it's nice to get confirmation that my bias against it is from reading it too many times and not because it's actually out of whack.

Liepard! Good. :3
Keep your eye on the ball.

Badges and bullshit! I figure this is her being impressionable, but part of me likes to think she went for that at least a little deliberately. He's definitely the more socially tactical person, but she's not totally naive, as I recall. Still naive enough to escalate when he warns her off the protest. Whoops.
Haha, yes and no! She's definitely doing a "heyheyhi I like you and look how brave and ballsy I am" but I think her fixation on this phrase is also an indication that she's going through some internal changes. She's already rethinking how she sees her trainer journey and what she wants out of it. But by the end of this conversation, she's already moving in another direction. She wants to know what's going on with this protest, and she cares more about her own journey with that than she cares about impressing him.

She's in over her head for sure though. Lots of details on that next chapter. 🙃

Cheers and thanks again for taking the time to share your thoughts. I really appreciate it.
 
Chapter 13: Iron Fist

WildBoots

Don’t underestimate seeds.
Location
smol scream
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. moka-mark
  2. solrock
Chapter 13: Iron Fist

Mark landed hard. The plateau rippled and bucked with such force that he feared the entire thing would come crashing down. When he managed to roll to his hands and knees, he tasted blood. He ran his tongue over his teeth to make sure they were all still there.

The cops rushed back in like a tide, eightballs zinging through the air. One hit a bagon, and it vanished instantly; a police manectric darted into the opening and tackled the now-exposed Draconid. Seconds later, a cop was there to zip-tie her wrists behind her back. Nearby, a camerupt disappeared into a eightball, and one of Mark's teammates screamed.

Rand hoisted Mark up. The second he was on his feet again, the darmanitan let go to swing at an approaching machoke. For a moment Mark tottered, struggling to focus on what was in front of him. Ore spun around him tight and fast, pinging him repeatedly with worry, worry, worry, until Mark waved the solrock back and said firmly, "We're okay." He was glad, at least, that Ore seemed to be back to normal. "We're okay."

Hux was down, legs splayed. Mark cursed and recalled him. If he could just get a second of cover, he could patch his bastiodon up. He threw out Jemisin's pokeball and then dropped behind the gigalith.

While Mark tried to catch his bearings, Stone had released more pokemon: a pink cradily and a golden-eyed claydol. The metagross lumbered amid the cops like a tank, idly raising a leg to smash down a pokemon, and then continuing sedately onward.

Fuck that thing. Getting rid of it was top priority.

Without thinking, Mark laid a hand on his belt—but he only had Octavia left. Gibs had been gone for weeks, and yet Mark was still reaching for a pokeball that wasn't there.

The tyrantrum charged into the police ranks, grabbing officers in its teeth and shaking them until they flew—and then finally a eightball caught it in the leg, and it was gone. So much for that, Mark thought bitterly. The black ball whipped over the crowd and into the orbit of Stone's golden-eyed claydol; several others already haloed its head.

Mark wasn't an idiot. With the state his team was in, he didn't have a chance to take out a metagross by himself. Not without Gibs. He swiveled around, searching for Eben and his graveler, maybe, or someone with a camerupt, or—

He spotted Raquel. In sharp contrast to her trembling, her baltoy was very still. At least one of them was calm. But when Mark locked eyes with her, she gave the smallest shake of her head.

Oh no.

"Raquel—"

And then, with a pop, she was gone.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

That wasn't the plan. Teleporting out was their last resort, but they didn't all have a pokemon that could do it. They had to coordinate, fucking communicate, or else people would be left behind.

"Pull the fuck together!" Mark shouted at the top of his lungs.

But he was screaming at empty air. As if an invisible switch had been flipped, his teammates began to blink out of existence, first a scattered few, then all across the crowd, trainers madly recalling pokemon and grabbing for a neighbor before making the leap into the void.

Mark's pulse stuttered. He squeezed his radio's push-to-talk button one more time. "Cora? Can you hear me?" But it was still dead plastic.

The cops swept into the empty spaces, the remaining blips of red swallowed by gray and black. A trainer in red turned helplessly, only able to watch as their pokemon vanished one by one. Another swung their fists until a manectric downed them.

Mark had one last failsafe. "Ore, send up a flare." The solrock's purple fire was distinctive; Cora would know what it meant.

As the ball of flame shot into the air, Jemisin rumbled and hurled rock chunks into the ranks of police. Rand screeched and struck down a swooping magneton. But all of Mark's attention was focused on Cora's team, a patch of red only yards away.

Come on, Cora. She had to have seen it, right?

Bit by bit, her crew drew into a tight pack. Good, if they scattered too, there'd be no point in—And then, all at once, they disappeared.

Mark couldn't breathe. She'd misunderstood his signal.

Or maybe she'd understood exactly what had happened.

For a moment, all he could do was stand and try to breathe. The sound of a manectric throwing itself into Ore's light screen snapped him out of it.

Focus!

He'd gotten himself out of tight positions before. His only possible escape was behind him, into the heart of Meteor Falls. Getting to the cave mouth would be dicey, but fighting to leave something was much easier than fighting to keep it. His pokemon could clear the way.

"Ore, Rand, let's go!" He raised his gigalith's pokeball, readying to recall her and run for it. Orwell did a loop around his head, buzzing and crackling, but Rand—"Fuck, Rand, enough!"

Before Mark could recall the darmanitan, there was a sound like an engine accelerating, and then something crashed into Jem with a horrible crunch. The gigalith reeled, jaws working; one of her crystals was fractured. The second blow was nothing more than a streak of silver, too fast for Mark to do anything to stop it. He managed to recall her at last, and then the only thing between him and the fucking metagross was a membrane of light.

"Fire spin. Don't let it any closer," he said to Ore, backpedaling. "Rand!"

Purple flames shot out with a hiss. The metagross froze for a moment. Then, despite heating to a pink glow, it pressed through the flames and swung a massive leg into the light shield. Mark and Ore slid back several feet; the shield held, but cracks webbed the left side.

"Rand!"

The metagross brought its leg up to swing again, but Rand lunged and caught its claw between his hands. He jammed the leg up higher, and for a moment it looked like the metagross might flip onto its back. Instead it yanked itself free and scuttled backward.

"Fire punch, Rand!" Mark shouted. "Aim for the leg joint."

But he should've been watching Stone.

As Rand's fist connected, something burst from the ground beneath the darmanitan in a spray of dirt and rock. Not until it had hooked its claws into Rand's back did Mark recognize the excadrill. They tumbled backwards together, and the metagross clomped towards Mark. It held one leg off the ground, but that didn't slow it down.

"Ore, solar beam the …." He couldn't hit the excadrill without hitting Rand. "The metagr—"

The dome of Mark's light shield rocked back and forth. A machoke on one side, manectric on the other. Fuck, they were everywhere, closing in tight. He could ask Ore to sweep them away—but then nothing would be holding back the metagross. He needed backup, but there was no one in sight any direction he turned. The only pokemon he had left was Octavia, who wouldn't be happy with that metagross or under the full sun—

Ore shouldn't take this long to charge up a solar beam.

The solrock was frozen in place, not even twitching. It buzzed so loudly that Mark felt it in his teeth. For the second time, radio static burst through his skull—west end secure. Copy—and then the light screen popped like a soap bubble.

With a final shriek, Ore lashed energy out in all directions. The machoke and manectric skidded backwards, kicking up dust. The radio static fell silent. Mark took a breath—

Then something black whizzed through his peripheral vision, and Ore's presence in his mind suddenly cut off. By the time Mark turned his head, Ore was gone.

Gone.

He looked up in time to see the rebounding eightball shoot past Stone's smug, smiling face and join the others that orbited his claydol.

I'll fucking kill him. Mark reached to his belt again, but he still only had Octavia left, and she'd never get him past that metagross.

"Rand—" He whipped his head around in time to see his darmanitan vanish, too. No!

Under the cover of the claydol's golden light shield, Stone strode forward, raising one arm—

Mark felt the drop in his stomach before he registered that his feet had left the ground. Legs dangling, he tipped back and back …. MetFalls swung overhead, all those stratified shades of red rock stretching long … then only sky, and then no sky at all—

Until he was skidding facedown along the plateau. Something landed on him, hard, and he wheezed for air. Before he could even think about fighting back, rough hands yanked his arms behind his back and zip-tied his wrists.

Another hand reached for his pokeballs—standard cop procedure—and Mark's panic mounted. They were going to take everyone. And then he would be truly alone.

But a voice made the hand pause.

"That's one of the leaders, right? I want to meet him."

They dragged Mark up into a sitting position. He squinted against the sun until Stone's shadow fell across his face.

For a moment, the former champion only stared down at him, head tipped to one side, smiling faintly. He crouched and reached for Mark's bandana.

Mark thrashed, but the cops to either side had him by the shoulders. And then a breeze hit his face, stinging against his split lip. He glared up at Steven Stone, every possible insult boiling inside him, but kept his mouth clamped shut.

"Well," Stone said softly, "you've caused a lot of trouble today, haven't you."

Behind him hovered the claydol, spinning and spinning its collection of eightballs. Following Mark's eye, Stone turned and then grinned. "I'm sure they're all legally registered in your name … right? If the judge decides to let you out on bail, you'll get them back right away."

Stone let that sink in before he spoke again. "So, where did you get that bastiodon? That's more than theft, you know. That's copyright infringement."

Montag had gifted Hux to him years ago, but like hell Mark was going to so much as breathe his name. He clenched his jaw tighter.

The former champion waited a moment. When Mark still gave no indication of opening his mouth, Stone shrugged and stood, brushing dust from his suit. Without so much as a glance back, he stepped away to address the cops.

Mark tested his bindings, but the zip-ties only bit into his skin harder when he strained. At last, he let his head hang and sucked in a ragged breath. By a stroke of luck—if Steven fucking Stone unmasking him could be called luck—he still had his team with him. Or, at least, half of them. But the moment the cops noticed he still had balls on his belt, they'd be confiscated. Gone. Forever.

Would they release them into the wild? And what about Rand and Jem, Unovan natives? It seemed unlikely that a Hoenn police department would bother with the cost of shipping pokemon across the ocean. No, they'd more likely be sold at a police auction to some spoiled little shit hoping to fast-track their badge quest. Would they think he'd abandoned them?

Or maybe they'd be left to gather dust in a filing cabinet, caught in stasis indefinitely.

If someone could just grab Octavia's ball from his belt …. Erica Spitfire sat zip-tied among several of the Draconids, their faces smudged with dirt and paint but their heads high. A few feet away, someone hit ground with a flurry of curses: Eben, his bandana slipping partway down. At the sight of a teammate, Mark felt a rush of joy—but none of them were close enough for a whisper, and a yell would also catch the attention of the cops and remind them that he still had pokeballs on his belt.

Even if one of them managed to release Octavia … then what? His hands would still be tied, and they'd still be outnumbered.

What had been the point of any of this? Mark had failed his pokemon, he'd failed the trainers under him, he'd failed Montag … and he hadn't deflected harm from anyone.

And then, gods, he hadn't even considered Mom and Kathy yet. They'd be heartbroken when they found out … but he couldn't avoid it, could he? He'd need Mom's help finding a lawyer, not to mention paying for—fuck. It wasn't supposed to be like that. He was supposed to be the one supporting them. If he'd just listened when Kathy—

The fleeting coolness of a shadow swept over him, and he looked up. Two winged shapes wheeled high above the plateau, one quick and lithe and the other much larger and bulkier. Neither was the right shape to be the skarmory. Maybe an aerodactyl, but even the heir to the Stone fortune didn't have two of those. Then one of them bellowed, smoke trailing from its mouth, and Mark knew exactly whose pokemon they were: Zinnia had decided to show up after all.

The cops had noticed her, too. The two remaining helicopters circled closer but kept their distance. Stone's skarmory shot out ahead of them, flinging razor-edged feathers with each wingbeat. Zinnia's noivern easily dipped below while the salamence flew to meet Steven's bird. Green flames spewed from between the dragon's teeth until the skarmory was forced to pull away.

The noivern tucked its wings and hurtled towards the ground.

"Shields up!"

Fewer police kadabra were out than before, but there were still plenty to raise a glittering dome of light over their ranks. The noivern held to its course.

Maybe it didn't know. Octavia's daytime vision was bad, and Mark guessed noivern was the same. It was going to hit the light screen like a pidove against a high-rise window, and while it lay stunned, the cops would swarm.

The smack he expected never came. Instead, in a jumble of shouts and radio commands, the cops all ducked behind their riot shields. Overhead, the light screen was still intact, but the noivern had slipped through somehow. It was hardly more than a blur ripping along the crowd, knocking polycarbonate shields and pokemon aside with its wings and tail as it went. Finally, with a hiss, it landed among the officers it had stricken prone. A riot shield cracked under one foot.

"Manectric, go!"

As the pokemon bounded towards it, the noivern whirled, reared up, and brought its wings together with a terrific clap of air that blew out the light shields and sent cops and manectric flying. Even at a distance, Mark's ears popped.

The salamence dropped through the opening, spraying flames to force the cops further back. A few of them dropped half-melted riot shields as they ran.

Zinnia clung to the salamence's neck. When it dropped to all fours with a ground-shaking thump, she leapt down, black cloak streaming behind her, and bolted for the protesters. "Tacca, clear the way!" The noivern slithered ahead, slapping police and pokemon aside. Cheers rose up then, and Zinnia grinned as she whipped a long hunting knife from her hip.

Mark craned his neck to watch her lean over one of the Draconid protesters and snap the knife through her zip-ties. Zinnia, please. But what right did he have to ask for her help? If he were in her position, he'd free his sister before a near-stranger.

"What happened to Kalmara and Harsumna?" she asked one of them. "Where are they?"

A roar drowned out the answer. The salamence lifted off the ground in a gust of sparks and dust, narrowly avoiding the metagross's swinging leg. The breeze stirred Zinnia's cloak as she turned for a moment to watch. Her expression was pained, but she whirled back around and continued down the line, sheltered by the noivern's wings. The cops threw eightballs from a safe distance, but the noivern blasted them with green fire; the eightballs fell as splatters of molten metal.

Finally, Zinnia came to Mark and—snick—cut his hands free. He almost could've cried in relief.

"You're amazing," he said, but she'd already moved past him.

The Draconids and protesters helped each other up, some rubbing life back into their hands. Most were faster on the uptake and ran, skidding over discarded riot shields, towards the opening of Meteor Falls. A few of the bolder cops started after them, but the noivern darted up to pepper them with fire.

Beyond the ring of destruction the two dragons had caused, Rustboro RPD was reforming their ranks and reactivating light screens. She'd taken them by surprise, but Zinnia couldn't keep this up for long. This was the only chance Mark would get to run to safety.

But he couldn't leave Ore and Rand. He couldn't.

A hundred feet away, Stone's metagross and Zinnia's salamence were still locked together in a cloud of dust, fumes, and flecks of metal; the crowd had moved back to give them a wide berth. The metagross planted a foot on the salamence's chest, grinding the dragon into the rock and smashed polycarbonate—until a claw raked its face, and it reeled back. With a kick and a blast of fire, the salamence wrenched free.

Through the heat haze rising off the metagross's cherry-red shell, Mark could see the former champion out ahead of the ranks of police officers, his brows knit together. The cradily had been cordoned off by a line of burning debris, but the claydol bobbed at his side, still juggling more than a dozen eightballs that gleamed with reflected fire.

Spitfire had already gone, and Eben too. Mark was on his own.

He felt naked without Ore, but he knew his pokemon were counting on him. He had to try. Before he could second-guess himself, Mark took off running, Octavia's ball in hand. He hoped the dust and smoke in the air would provide him some cover.

By the time he burst through to clear air, he was already calling out his golbat. "Confuse ray!"

Mark didn't get within thirty feet of Stone before the claydol caught him in an invisible grip and yanked him to a stop mid-air, but Octavia was much faster. She shot past him, trailing lights that flickered and pulsed colors that hurt to look at. Mark was powerless to turn his head, so he shut his eyes instead.

The claydol's hold didn't loosen, but it hadn't been Mark's target: the most dangerous opponent on the field was always, always the trainer.

A cry of alarm prompted Mark to open his eyes. Steven Stone had sunk to one knee and swayed like a drunk as he tried to stand back up. The nearest cops stumbled into each other.

Then the claydol began to tilt slowly to the left, and Mark tilted, too. Octavia was quick, but he'd seen her fly in the opposite direction from—Holy shit, it's Stone. His pokemon were dizzy off his confusion.

From behind Mark came a creaking, grating sound, and he managed to slowly turn his head. The metagross shimmied first to one side and then the other as if the floor were tilting beneath it. It swung a leg at the salamence, missing widely but nearly striking down several cops instead.

When Zinnia's noivern dropped next to the claydol, writhing shadows cupped in the crook of its arm, Stone's pokemon was defenseless. The instant the noivern struck, Mark tumbled free from the psychic grip. Even as he hit his hands and knees, he laughed, half-delirious with relief.

Like beads dropping from a snapped necklace, the eightballs surrounding the claydol dropped at once and rolled in several directions. Mark's stomach lurched. He dove forward, shoveling eightballs into his messenger bag. Some were half-melted or smashed, empties that had already been on the ground. There was no time to try to sort through them—he picked up every single one he saw.

"No!" someone shouted.

The noivern hunched between Mark and the cops, but a clear path lay between him and Steven Stone. The former champion braced himself with a hand on the ground, his gaze sliding all over, but he reached his other hand for a pokeball.

Mark froze. He had nothing left to defend himself.

The ball slipped from Stone's fingers and rolled away without releasing. Stone fumbled after it, leaving Mark to resume his mad grab for eightballs.

As he scrabbled for the last one, he saw a flash of pink out of the corner of his eye. He rolled, trying to cover his head—but it was Octavia who saved him. She slashed at the cradily's face in defiance of the tendrils snatching at her wings.

From behind came a crunch like a car crash, and the salamence roared. Mark stole a glance over his shoulder to see it clamber atop the fallen metagross and roar again.

He grabbed the last eightball and stood—but there was nowhere to go. The cops surrounded him on all sides. A couple of them were helping Stone to his feet; he pressed a hand to his head, but two of his pokemon stood nearby, and another pokeball was in his hand.

"Hey, over here!"

Zinnia stood beside her salamence with a hand on its neck. It bellowed and exhaled green flames again, incinerating another barrage of eightballs before they could find their targets. Crouching to avoid the worst of the heat, she waved wildly to Mark.

You don't have to tell me twice. He recalled Octavia and ran for it.

As Zinnia hoisted herself onto the salamence's back, the noivern took to the air; it zigzagged hard and fast around them, warding off both eightballs and manectric with wind and flame. "Come on." Zinnia reached a calloused hand down to Mark and helped him up behind her. As soon as both of his feet were off the ground, the salamence lurched forward and spread its wings. There was nothing to grab onto but Zinnia, so he shut his eyes and held on tight—

And the ground dropped away below them. Above, violet dazzled against the sky—a light screen. The cops were trying to trap them in. But the noivern shattered it with another sonic blast, and the salamence didn't even slow.

Only as they veered away from Meteor Falls did Mark see how many of his teammates and the protesters were still left behind, little specks of color among the gray. The longer he looked, the dizzier he became. He squeezed his eyes shut against the wind and the bone-crunching drop to earth below. The salamence was all power and pumping muscle, surprisingly warm beneath him, and Mark tried not to think about anything but the space between one wingbeat and the next.

He had no sense at all of how long they'd been flying before they landed. The impact jarred him hard enough that he released his grip on Zinnia. As the salamence trotted to a standstill, he tumbled off and rolled into the bushes. He dry-heaved until his eyes watered. Then, for a few moments, he let himself simply lay there, cheek against the cool dirt.

Mark decided he hated teleporting slightly less than flying.

He sat up slowly. They'd arrived at a forest clearing, though he couldn't begin to guess whether they were north or east of MetFalls. The air was still save for the chirping of tailow.

Zinnia said nothing about Mark's landing when he finally emerged from the bushes, brushing dirt and leaves from his hoodie. She'd busied herself examining the salamence's injuries. While she ran a hand over its side, it dropped its head onto her shoulder, making a sound remarkably like a cat purring. The noivern lay nearby, grooming its ruff of fur with a forked tongue.

"Zinnia … thanks," he said. "I owe you one."

Her smile was there one second and gone the next. "Yes, you do." She made an air-grab at his messenger bag. "The pokemon?"

"Right." His stomach twisted. What if he'd missed one of them?

One way to find out.

Gingerly, he lowered himself to sit at the base of a tree; the adrenaline had worn off, and he felt like he'd been hit by a truck. He dumped the eightballs into a pile beside him, then he heaved a sigh. "So, you think I should just—"

Zinnia snatched up a few of them and tossed them down, releasing a pair of swablu and a bagon. The swablu flitted up to perch on a branch; the bagon took a few unsteady steps and plopped down with a sad bleat. She told them, "You fought hard. I'll do my best to help you find your human friends if you want to return to them, but no one would blame you if you'd rather return to the mountain."

Mark wondered how much of this speech was intelligible to the pokemon, but he remained respectfully silent.

The clearing quickly filled with pokemon. He released a police manectric that growled long and low before turning and streaking away into the underbrush. Zinnia released a graveler that might've been Eben's or might not have. Before long, the pile of empties was bigger than the pile of pokemon waiting to be released.

When the tyrantrum burst forth with a roar, Zinnia wrapped her arms around its leg and cried, "Kalmara!" With astonishing gentleness, it lowered its massive head to snuffle her hair.

The pile began to thin, and they still hadn't come across either of Mark's pokemon. He felt like something was squeezing him by the throat, the pressure mounting until—

"Rand!" he choked out.

The darmanitan emerged in his dormant form, but at the sound of Mark's voice, he began to rise up, stone arms rasping against stone ribs. By the time Mark threw his arms around him, Rand was furry and warm again. He didn't even care that the darmanitan nearly knocked the wind out of him with the force of his hug.

When Mark pulled away, his fingers came away sticky and red. "Shit. That excadrill got you good." He recalled Rand into his own pokeball, the one he'd carried with him since he left Unova.

When the next ball burst open, a familiar crackle of energy grazed over Mark's mind, and he thought his heart might burst with relief. "Ore! Thank fucking gods. You okay?" The solrock trilled and made a loop around him before it held still long enough to let Mark press a hand to its side; Ore buzzed with an echo of his own joy. "Yeah, you too."

"Is that all of them?" Zinnia cut in. "There has to be more, right? She has to be here."

Mark's smile fell. He didn't know Zinnia well, but he knew that awful gnawing feeling when he touched the empty slot on his belt. He checked his bag one more time but came up empty. "I'm sorry," he said. "The rest are duds."

Her mouth twisted. "You didn't see a goodra out there?"

"I did, but … I guess Stone didn't grab it."

Zinnia raised one fist to her mouth and swiped at her eyes with the other. Mark turned away to give some semblance of privacy. After a moment, she let out a breath and bent to scoop up one of the recovered bagon. She cradled it like a baby. To his surprise, she bared a toothy grin.

"Well. She's not the first dragon stolen by the Hoenn state, hmm?" Her grin wobbled and then became fiercer. "The rest of us will just have to fight even harder. For Harsumna. For Aster. For all those who came before and all who will come after."

A growl and a thump prompted Zinnia and Mark to turn to the salamence. It fanned its wings, stirring a wind that rustled the leaves. "Don't you go flying off without me, Lyco," Zinnia said in the same tone she might scold a naughty toddler. "The last thing we need right now is to call more attention to ourselves. If you wait a few minutes, I'll get you dinner."

The salamence regarded her for a long moment. Then it folded its wings and slunk off between the trees, its sides scraping bark as it went.

Mark repeated her words to himself with growing unease: call more attention to ourselves. "Why don't you just recall it?"

Her smile was quick and sharp. "I don't use pokeballs."

"Oh." That explained a few things. He turned to Ore and thought maybe he understood: he didn't want to let the solrock out of his sight again if he could help it.

With a swish of her cloak, Zinnia turned away to tend to her pokemon, and that was that. Fine by him.

Mark settled back against the tree with his bag in his lap and counted up his potions: three left. As he uncapped a potion for Ore, he made a mental tally of his team's injuries. Rand definitely needed one. Hux was out cold, and Jem needed care, too—none of them were in great shape, really, but—

Zinnia tsked as she examined a patch of blackened scales on the tyrantrum's back. When her hands strayed too close, it snapped its teeth at her. She shoved its snout away one-handedly and said, "I know, I'm sorry. I'm only looking. I won't touch."

Mark rolled one of his two remaining potions between his palms. Finally he said, "Zinnia. Catch."

She did easily. "Thanks."

For a moment, he watched her shake and spray the bottle, how she stepped automatically to avoid the tyrantrum's swinging tail and ducked to reach its underbelly.

"I didn't know you could fight like that." He paused, then added pointedly, "I thought you were a pacifist." That had always been her excuse to skip out on a fight. Her skills were best suited to surveillance, she'd said.

Zinnia didn't pause to look at him. "With exceptions."

"Fine, but … where the hell were you? It would've made a difference if you'd been there earlier." Even as he spoke, he wondered how true that was, but it felt good to say.

"A difference?"

She gave the tyrantrum's haunch a thump, and it pivoted away towards a patch of sun, nearly catching Mark across the face with its tail. Ore buzzed in protest, but the tyrantrum paid no mind; with a thud that sent pine needles raining down from the trees, it dropped into the dirt and rolled around, legs in the air.

As Mark straightened back up, Zinnia flashed him another snaggletoothed smile. "The Devon data center is burning," she said. "How's that for a difference?"

He stopped dusting pine needles from his shoulders to shoot her an incredulous look instead. That had to be a joke, right? Except Zinnia returned his stare with unblinking calm. Goosebumps broke out along his arms. "You're not kidding."

"Nope."

"Holy shit." Mark grinned but shook his head. Dragons or no, that was no small feat. At the very least, Tabitha had to have been involved—who else could disrupt their security system? But even then, they would've needed a larger team, and Mark couldn't imagine how—

Then he saw it: half of the Rustboro police force diverted to MetFalls. Steven Stone helicoptered in with his monstrous metagross.

Montag's plan had never been just the pipeline, not when he could do that and destroy one of their buildings, too.

He felt lightheaded at the enormity of it. Devon Tower was a more elaborate structure, the jewel of the Rustboro business district, but the data center was Devon's heart. Even before Mark had been assigned to Rustboro, it had been a potential Magma target, but for years it had only been a pipe dream. It was protected by both the latest anti-pokemon barriers and a metagross—sometimes two, now that Stone was no longer holding court at Evergrande.

Now and again, plan proposals bubbled up from the ranks, but Montag had never approved any of them. One idea had been Mark's: getting Gibs into the building would be impossible, but he was more than capable of shadow-swiping key cards, phones, and datebooks from the security team once they were on the street. A good first step to breaking through, Mark had thought. He flinched now, remembering how he'd delivered his pitch in an excited rush.

Montag had at first said nothing, then simply, "No."

Mark had accepted that answer, the lack of explanation, just like he had accepted every other impenetrable decision that Montag passed down. He trusted Montag. And yet ….

A scuffling and a chirruping made him look up. The noivern pawed at Zinnia, nearly knocking her over, until she reached into the folds of her cloak for a strip of fruit leather. She tossed it high; the noivern snatched it from the air, then came knuckle-crawling back for more.

"He didn't tell us," Mark said in an accusatory tone.

Zinnia's eyes flicked over to him and then back to her pokemon. She shrugged and then tossed another piece of dried fruit. For a moment, the only sound was the noivern's chittering and chewing.

Montag operated on a need-to-know basis … but Mark had always been one of the ones who needed to know.

He spoke as the realization hit him: "We were the distraction."

She was still smiling, but it wasn't a happy expression. "You. My people. Huwasi."

Right, the Draconid word for MetFalls.

Ore drew closer as if to protect him, and Mark squeezed his eyes shut.

After a moment, he mustered a hollow laugh and one of Montag's maxims: "No change without sacrifice."

Mark had always nodded along before, but … fuck, when had he become disposable?

Fine, Montag couldn't have guessed that Mark would fuck it up the way he had—that hadn't been part of the plan. But Meteor Falls?

DevCo would get to build their pipeline—maybe not today, but soon enough. Losing the data center wouldn't inconvenience Devon enough to halt their projects … but it might motivate them to pull in more revenue quickly. Neither Magma nor Root Revolution nor the Draconids would be able to rally enough manpower in time to intercede: they were spread thin, too many of them tied up in personal legal fights now. Locals would hiss and complain for a little while, but eventually, normal life would take over again and they'd forget to be angry. The grass would regrow. Some or maybe even most of the pokemon would come back. The oil would trickle quietly beneath the surface, forgotten … until the day a valve blew or the protective coating wore away and thousands of gallons of crude painted the foothills black.

Then what? Would Montag ask him to make an example of the MetFalls pipeline next? The thought made him sick to his stomach.

As if reading his mind, Zinnia piped up, "Yeah, funny thing about that. I dunno if you've been following the news but, apparently, it's very sad that our sacred land is being disturbed." She leaned one elbow on the noivern's shoulder and with her other hand pet the bridge of its nose. "But at least we get good, cheap oil, thanks to DevCo's sacrifice."

Mark shifted in his seat. "You don't actually believe that Montag and DevCo are the same."

Her smile stretched wider. "Do you want me to tell you that he's the brightest star in my sky? Would that make you feel better?"

Then why are you here, he wanted to say, but she didn't give him a chance.

"It doesn't matter what I believe. I show up and play my role, just like you."

Ore pulsed an echo of his own frustration back to him, and Mark snapped, "Do you think this isn't real for me?"

She scratched her noivern behind the ears without looking up. Her silence needled him.

"You know Montag is the only one who can stand up to DevCo." Zinnia still didn't look up at him, but Mark didn't slow down. "Say what you want about him, but at least he doesn't waste time on stupid, feel-good bullshit."

Mark had watched Thrive, Virbank's biggest clean air advocacy group, slowly suffocate under red tape. They were good people—they cared—but what was the point of a protest when you asked the city for permission and clearances first? What good was a potluck, period? All their petitions, divestment campaigns, and dialogues with the city had literally blown up in their faces when the refinery exploded. Now Thrive mostly organized cleanup efforts, too little too late.

Do you want to go home and plead with City Hall for a street permit and a speaking slot at the next committee meeting? Montag had asked him. Neither do I.

"Mega-corporations don't give a shit about the slogan on your sign or signatures on a petition," Mark continued. DevCo didn't care what happened to a small city downwind of their refinery, and they sure as shit didn't care about one girl with bad lungs. "They care about their bottom line—that's it."

Of course, Montag had his own bottom line … and only he knew how far down it was.

Kathy wasn't part of his equation either—she was a statistic, one dot on the map across an ocean. But worrying about Kathy was Mark's job. Montag's job was to wake people up, get them moving, and give them something to rally around. Thrive had lots of theory and literature, but Magma had that and more: it was an engine that turned anger into power.

In Unova, Mark had felt hopeless and powerless. The deeper he traveled into the heart of the country, the more he felt like a patrat in a maze. The street names changed, but the concrete walls and smoggy skies didn't. Eight hours before he'd first learned about Magma, he'd been arrested at a protest in Driftveil. It hadn't been the first time, but it had been harder than other times: he'd been thrown around, humiliated, left for hours in an overcrowded cell—and through it all, the cops had remained calmly indifferent. He'd been far from home and no closer to accomplishing anything real. Or anything at all. When the cops had turned him loose, Magma had been there with water bottles, energy bars, and an invitation to join them at Twist Mountain.

They did what the protesters had failed to do: they shut the mining operation down, at least for a while.

"People need someone to believe in," he said. And for a moment he felt a rush of the old conviction singing in his blood: Montag made him want to be a better, bolder person.

Or he had. Desecrating a Hoennian salt marsh had never been on Mark's wishlist. He'd believed in the plan to stop the MetFalls line from being built … but that had never been the plan.

Montag was right: they'd made Ridge Access impossible to ignore. Mark knew the call to arms, so he spoke now: "Most people will do anything to avoid looking at the fucked up parts of the world. If people knew …. " He trailed off, thinking of the Virbank refinery. How long would the public outrage in Hoenn last, he wondered, and what would come of it? If Virbank was any example … the answer would be no time and nothing.

Mark sucked in a breath, groping for the words that would vindicate Montag, or maybe just himself. But all he had left was, "Things don't have to be like this."

When he finally raised his head, Zinnia was staring down at him impassively. "But they are."

He let out a slow breath.

"Buck up, colonizer," Zinnia said with such forceful cheer it came like a slap even before her words registered. "You got what you wanted, didn't you? So did I."

Before he could figure out a response, she spoke again. "Look, after I feed these guys,"—she patted the noivern's side—"I'm taking the rest of the pokemon to the Fortree clan. If you want, I can drop you off anywhere between here and there."

He opened and shut his mouth before he managed, "I thought I was a colonizer."

She shrugged jerkily and smirked. "You saved our pokemon—some of them, at least. Maybe you were just looking out for yourself, I don't know. But it still means something to me. So you want a ride, or are you hoofing it?"

Mark closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The alternative was to travel on foot—overnight with an injured team and no supplies. And returning to Rustboro was a bad idea right now. As little as he liked the idea of getting back on Zinnia's salamence, he wasn't stubborn or stupid enough to turn her down.

He sighed and said, "Yeah, alright."



Zinnia refused to fly too near to Mauville. Instead, she dropped him on the sandy eastern outskirts. This time Mark was more prepared for the bumpy landing. He managed to hold on until the salamence stopped and then slide down on his own terms, stumbling but still landing on his feet.

As he checked his belt—everyone accounted for—Zinnia leaned down over her salamence's neck. "I guess I'll see you around."

"I guess so," he said, a little out of breath. Then, "Thank you."

He squinted up at her and could hardly believe he'd been behind her on the salamence's back only moments before. She looked like a storybook character, rail thin amid the folds of her cloak but sitting tall and straight between the dragon's open wings.

"Zinnia … if you don't trust Montag, why do you work with us?"

She flashed a jagged grin. "Which place is safest from dragon fire?" She didn't wait for him to guess. "The dragon's back."

With that, she thumped the salamence on the shoulder, and it lurched into a waddling run. Then, with a few pumps of its wings, it lifted off the ground and wheeled away with improbable grace, as easy as a kite on the wind.

Mark watched them until there was only empty blue above. Then he released Ore and the two of them headed up the hill that marked the edge of the city limits.

He hadn't planned to return to Mauville so soon: it reminded him too much of Nimbasa for comfort, all those neon lights crowding against raw desert. But as the hub of western Hoenn, it gave him the most options for his next move, the most exit routes.

After a quick stop to buy a few basics—potions, a toothbrush, a change of clothes—he made his way back to the hostel where he'd stayed before and got himself a room. When he dropped onto his bunk, he finally turned both his personal and burner phones back on. Immediately, one of them lit up with a new message, and his heart leapt to his throat—but it was from Cora: What the ever-loving fuck was that? He closed it without answering and got in the shower. When he returned, there were no new messages.

He couldn't bear to sit still.

Mark walked without knowing or caring where he was going. The marquees and telescreens washed the streets in light, but the dusk sky was gray. Ore hovered alongside him, filling the air with trills and static. He pressed the burner phone to his opposite ear, clenching his teeth as the ringing dragged out longer and longer.

"Hello. The person you are trying to reach is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the—"

"Fuck."

He turned to Ore. "Now what?" But the solrock only whirred and stared back unblinkingly.

Montag was probably busy: he had a lot of people to debrief, after all.

Or he was ignoring him.

Unthinkingly, Mark reached into his breast pocket for the pack of Blue Rings, only catching himself when the cigarette was already in his hand. He paused in the middle of the sidewalk, staring at it. No, he shouldn't.

He kept walking. With the cigarette still pinched between two fingers, he dialed Montag again. On the third ring, he gave in and lit it. If there was a time to indulge in bad habits, it was now.

As he turned down the next street, a flicker of red caught his eye. The Hoenn National News was playing on a telescreen. His stomach fluttered when he recognized the Devon data center, and he slowed to watch. The building had become a pillar of flame and smoke, a flaming middle finger to the world. Maybe it should've made him feel better.

"Hello. The person you are trying to reach is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the tone."

The chime sounded, then silence. Mark knew he should hang up, wait and follow Montag's lead. But he didn't. The silence stretched on, punctuated by Ore's crackling presence on the line. Mark's throat clenched tight, and then he drew in a sharp breath and blurted, "We have to talk—in person. I'm in Mauville and … you owe me an explanation."

That was a mistake—he had no business making demands of Montag. But he'd already said it. Haltingly, he finished, "Call me when you get this."

Mark jammed the phone into his pocket. He wouldn't check it again, he told himself, until he finished this cigarette. Move, keep walking.

On the screen behind him, pixelated smoke climbed higher and higher into the darkening sky.
 
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HelloYellow17

Gym Leader
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. suicune
  2. umbreon
  3. mew
  4. lycanroc-wes
  5. leafeon-rui
Did I drop everything when I got the notification that a new chapter was posted? Uh. Maybe. Y-you can’t prove anything! *sweats*

Anyway, here we go:

He spotted Raquel. In sharp contrast to her trembling, her baltoy was very still. At least one of them was calm. But when Mark locked eyes with her, she gave the smallest shake of her head.

Oh no.

"Raquel—"

And then, with a pop, she was gone.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I KNEW IT, I KNEW SHE WAS SUS. Not sure if she intended to bail the whole time and her anxiety was just a cover, or if she just genuinely panicked and noped out of there. Either way, I’m not surprised.
Bit by bit, her crew drew into a tight pack. Good, if they scattered too, there'd be no point in—And then, all at once, they disappeared.

Mark couldn't breathe. She'd misunderstood his signal.

Or maybe she'd understood exactly what had happened.

Oof, ouch. It really is “every man for himself” when it comes down to it, huh? I can’t be too harsh on Cora here, though. She had to choose between getting her squad out safely or risking everyone’s safety to rescue the stragglers. Not an easy call, but it makes sense to protect the people she’s in charge of first.

Then something black whizzed through his peripheral vision, and Ore's presence in his mind suddenly cut off. By the time Mark turned his head, Ore was gone.

Gone.

NO OSJ DON’T DO THIS TO ME, WE CAN’T HAVE ANOTHER GIBS

Rand too?! HE BETTER GET THEM BACK

Zinnia had decided to show up after all.

Oh, hello, Zinnia! I think this is good news? I’m really not sure.
Zinnia's noivern easily dipped below while the salamence flew to meet the Steven's bird.

You’ve got an extra “the” here.
The claydol's hold didn't loosen, but it hadn't been Mark's target: the most dangerous opponent on the field was always, always the trainer.
OOOH SMART

Hux was out cold, and Jem needed care, too—none of them was in great shape, really, but—
I could be wrong, but I want to say “was” should be “were” here?

Her smile was quick and sharp. "I don't use pokeballs."

"Oh." That explained a few things. He turned to Ore and thought maybe he understood: he didn't want to let the solrock out of his sight again if he could help it.
Seems fitting for her, though I can’t help but wonder if the risk is really worth it. After all, Pokeballs are your last defense against those police masterballs.


Then he saw it: half of the Rustboro police force diverted to MetFalls. Steven Stone helicoptered in with his monstrous metagross.
Oh. Ohhh boy.


Montag operated on a need-to-know basis … but Mark had always been one of the ones who needed to know.
After a moment, he mustered a hollow laugh and one of Montag's maxims: "No change without sacrifice."

Mark had always nodded along before, but … fuck, when had he become disposable?
And here it is, the last nail in the coffin of Mark’s faith in MGMA. Well, maybe not the last one, but he’s on a pretty slippery downhill slide. Montag is a very calculative character to a fault, it seems. It also shows the difference between his methods and Archie’s methods: Where Archie operates from passion and emotion, Montag operates with logic and reasoning. Both are flawed in their extreme ways. Nice contrast.


Her smile stretched wider. "Do you want me to tell you that he's the brightest star in my sky? Would that make you feel better?"

Then why are you here, he wanted to say, but she didn't give him a chance.

"It doesn't matter what I believe. I show up and play my role, just like you."
So we know that Zinnia is playing both sides here. She told Aqua about the pipeline so they could try to prevent the disaster, and then she showed up to help her people and others at MetFalls. I’m thinking she doesn’t agree with either team, and she’s trying to make a difference in a way that doesn’t hurt the region or innocent bystanders—which means she tries to mitigate the damage that ORCA and MGMA cause. This is all just my thoughts, I could be totally wrong here. But it seems like she’s on nobody’s side except Hoenn’s, and I respect the crap out of that.

As he turned down the next street, a flicker of red caught his eye. The Hoenn National News was playing on a telescreen. His stomach fluttered when he recognized the Devon data center, and he slowed to watch. The building had become a pillar of flame and smoke, a flaming goddamn middle finger to the world. Maybe it should've made him feel better.
Hmm very good use of the word “should”, really shows how betrayed Mark feels about it all. It was a huge victory for MGMA but not without sending him and his squad to the lines as political (and kind of literal) canon fodder.

WHAT A GREAT CHAPTER. I can’t wait to see the other characters’ reactions and perspectives to the events in this chapter!

Gud fic update moar plz
 

kyeugh

you gotta feel your lines
Staff
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. farfetchd-galar
  2. gfetchd-kyeugh
  3. onion-san
  4. farfetchd
  5. farfetchd
13. iron fist

wow! two mark chapters in a row! it's like you knew i started reading.

i said it in chat but i started writing this review without really thinking and figure i might as well post it now... i promise i'll get to the other ones though. let it be known they are not Skipped.

so! i think this is my favorite chapter so far. i can't remember if i just said that last time, but this time i mean it for real. this chapter had all the action that made the last chapter so thrilling—in fact i think this chapter's action was better, as it was much easier to follow and had very cinematic moments too, like noivern zipping through a light screen and fucking melting a bunch of master balls. awesome stuff. however, it also had a really awesome arc for mark (it rhymes!) and some spicy zinnia moments. more on that below!

one thing i want to comment on before i get too deep into anything else is that you do a great job making the dragons feel wild and powerful. there was an inkling of it in the last chapter with the tyrantrum, but in the end he didn't really do a whooole lot aside from look scary and serve as a gigantic target. however you really lean into it in this chapter; zinnia's salamence and noivern are absolutely ferocious and have such a powerful energy about them. i mean, they more or less handled the whole crowd of cops PLUS a few of the former champion's aces, something mark couldn't manage with his entire team and a bunch of backup. i feel like the trouble he had with it made zinnia's victory feel very earned and all the more awesome. and in addition to being cool as fuck on its own, it makes zinnia look cool as fuck by extension; not only has she tamed such powerful pokémon, but presumably her training and guidance is the reason for some of their boundless strength, too.

on that note: zinnia. agreeing with yellow that zinnia seems to be a powerful rogue actor here. she doesn't seem to play by anyone's agenda but her own; she helps aqua and magma both when it suits her cause. and honestly? her cause is just. she definitely seems like someone with the potential to sort of unite both sides toward a common goal... iirc you mentioned that you didn't expect her to matter as much as she does, but it seems like a natural place for her character to go. i guess we'll see! 👀

mark's development here is just... 👌 you can definitely see how things got to this point—he joined up with magma because they were doing something when no one else was, and it's not until he's unfathomably deep into their shit that he sort of gets his wits about him to realize, hey, maybe just doing anything isn't enough—maybe the things they're doing aren't right, or they're not doing things in a way i agree with. and it doesn't seem like that's necessarily the product of some change magma has undergone. rather, it seems like a revelation mark is having about something that's always been true about magma, but is only falling into view now that he's a non-trivial (but disposable!?) player in its scheme. now he's having this moment of oh shit, i'm so wrapped up in taking orders in the interest of progressing an abstract cause that i'm starting to participate in shit that i think is bad. that's a really important thought to have, but also a nuanced one to address in a story, i think, and i'm really digging it. it's difficult to tell if magma is evil, necessarily, but it's arguably doing things that are evil. magma isn't a person unto itself though—is mark evil for participating in and perpetuating those things even though his intent is pure? it's hard to say, but history will certainly make its mind up on that matter one way or the other, i'm sure...

i'm excited to see where things go with montag. it seems like this conflict is really coming to a head with mark, but montag seems pretty good at beating him back into line when the need arises. i could really see the conversation going either way... but regardless of which way it goes, i think we're still a long way off from ye fabled Enemies To Lovers. he doesn't seem all that close to forgiving natalie, nor she him. it'll be interesting to see them cross paths again...

which reminds me, it's been kind of a long time since natalie. i'm guessing next chapter will center on her; as much as i like mark, it'll be fun to see what she and aqua are up to! i have no doubt their thoughts on the devco data center thing will be complex... it's something that benefits them too, right? and it seems like it might be a bit of a kick to the gut for sinbad, who's of the opinion that those pesky magma fellas just stick to the system and never achieve anything of substance.

looking forward to seeing this all unfold—really enjoying the speedy updates! 😁

The plateau rippled and bucked with such force that Mark feared the entire thing would come crashing down. Then his legs went out from under him, and he landed hard. When he managed to roll to his hands and knees, he tasted blood; he ran his tongue over his teeth to make sure they were all still there.

The cops rushed back in like a tide, masterballs zinging through the air like locusts. One hit a bagon, and it vanished instantly; a police manectric darted into the opening and tackled the now-exposed Draconid. Seconds later, a cop was there to zip-tie her wrists behind her back. Nearby, a camerupt disappeared into a masterball, and one of Mark's teammates screamed.

Rand hoisted Mark up; the second he was on his feet again, the darmanitan let go to swing at an approaching machoke. For a moment Mark tottered, struggling to focus on what was in front of him. Ore spun around him tight and fast, pinging him repeatedly with worry, worry, worry, until Mark waved the solrock back and said firmly, "We're okay." He was glad, at least, that Ore seemed to be back to normal. "We're okay."
i feel like there are a lot of semicolons going on here, enough that i noticed it and it took me out of the narrative a little.
also, that camerupt had a damn good run.

While Mark tried to catch his bearings, Stone had released more pokemon: a pink cradily and a golden-eyed claydol.
of COURSE he has a bunch of shiny pokémon. i associate Full Shiny Teams with kind of being a tryhard irl but naturally that would be a massive status symbol in the pokémon world. neat detail.

The metagross lumbered amid the cops like a tank, idly raising a leg to smash down a pokemon, and then continuing sedately onward.
"sedately" is a very nice word. rare one too. thank you.

Then something black whizzed through his peripheral vision, and Ore's presence in his mind suddenly cut off. By the time Mark turned his head, Ore was gone.

Gone.
i'm not over gibs yet and he only got like three seconds of screen time before getting yoinked. not this. :(

"Rand—" He whipped his head around in time to see his darmanitan vanish, too. No!
ah,

i suspect this is temporary, no way mark goes pokémonless in seattle.

Stone let that sink in before he spoke again. "So, where did you get that bastiodon? That's more than theft, you know. That's copyright infringement."
wow, great. i despise and adore this piece of worldbuilding at once, good job.

By a stroke of luck—if Steven fucking Stone unmasking him could be called luck, he still had his team with him.
i think this comma should be an em dash to match.

Zinnia's noivern easily dipped below while the salamence flew to meet the Steven's bird.
extra "the" hanging out at the end there i think.

The smack he expected never came. Instead, in a jumble of shouts and radio commands, the cops all ducked behind their riot shields. Overhead, the light screen was still intact, but the noivern had slipped through somehow.
omg, i love this!? tactical light screen is fun, tactical infiltrator fucking rocks.

The noivern slithered ahead, slapping police and pokemon aside.
i'm having a hard time imagining a noivern slither.

The cops threw masterballs from a safe distance, but the noivern blasted them with green fire; the masterballs fell as splatters of molten metal.
as mark's teenage idol once said: "ok, this is epic." not sure if your headcanon is also that all dragons breathe green fire but mine sure is and i am appreciating the parallel.

A hundred feet away, Stone's metagross and Zinnia's salamence were still locked together in a cloud of dust, fumes, and metal flecks
i think "flecks of metal" might work better here.

Then the claydol began to tilt slowly to the left, and Mark tilted, too. Octavia was quick, but he'd seen her fly in the opposite direction from—Holy shit, Stone's pokemon picked it up from him.
hmm, i'm not sure i follow what's gong on here. picked what up...?

Only as they veered away from Meteor Falls did Mark see how many of his team and the protesters were still left behind, little specks of color among the gray.
solidarity forever! ✊

While she ran a hand over its side, it dropped its head onto her shoulder, making a sound remarkably like a cat purring. The noivern lay nearby, grooming its ruff of fur with a forked tongue.
asljkdfjlds; thank you for this.

She told them, "You fought hard. I'll do my best to help you find your human friends if you want to return to them, but no one would blame you if you'd rather return to the mountain."
1610599372710.png

The darmanitan emerged in his dormant form, but at the sound of Mark's voice, he began to rise up, stone arms rasping against stone ribs.
oh dang, it's a zen one huh? curious to hear that story.

In a swish of her cloak, Zinnia turned away to tend to her pokemon, and that was that.
i think "wish a swish of her cloak" might work a bit better here.

"I didn't know you could fight like that." He paused, then added pointedly, "I thought you were a pacifist." That had always been her excuse to skip out on a fight. Her skills were best suited to surveillance, she'd said.

Zinnia didn't pause to look at him. "With exceptions."
who doesn't that apply to smh.

But even then, they would've needed a larger teeam,
a larger what now.

Montag's plan had never been just the pipeline, not when he could destroy one of their builds, too.
not quite sure what's meant by "their builds" here—did you mean buildings perhaps?

Even before Mark had been assigned to Rustboro, it had been a potential Magma target, but for years it had only been a pipe dream: it was protected by both the latest anti-pokemon barriers and a metagross—sometimes two, now that Stone was no longer holding court at Evergrande.
i think the colon into an em dash here is a little clunky... maybe swap the colon for a period or something?

He flinched now, remembering how he'd delivered his pitch in an excited rush.
oh my god. i relate.

Locals would hiss and complain for a little while, but eventually, normal life would take over again and they'd forget to be angry.
ooooooof. thinking about the whole #DefundThePolice thing. who could have guessed nothing would happen 😱 hell, it's been less than a year and people are already like "it's good actually that the police shot a guy at the capitol." ok /rant

Of course, Montag had his own bottom line … and only he knew how far down it was.
mmmm. juicy...
Eight hours before he first learned about Magma, he'd been arrested at a protest in Driftveil.
1610602493813.png

When he finally raised his head, Zinnia was staring down at him impassively. "But it is."
* they are, right?

He hadn't planned to return to Mauville so soon: It reminded him too much of Nimbasa for comfort
"it" wants to be lowercase.

After a quick stop to buy a few basics—potions, a toothbrush
lol, not relevant to anything but this particular combination of items very much evokes shrek for me.
 
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