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Pokémon Will I Follow?

slamdunkrai

bing.com
Pronouns
they/them
Partners
  1. darkrai
  2. snom
(artist: seaquestions)
(...formerly known as Hey, Space Cadet!. Title taken from "The Rip," by Portishead.)

Summary:
Two novice trainers and lifelong friends have undertaken Sinnoh's annual gym circuit. They are in this for the money; Connor wishes to help his mother keep their home and Florence wishes to fund an important medical procedure; their hometown is in danger of losing the vital funding that comes with hosting a gym. Neither of them can afford to lose. Their efforts to navigate this are complicated by many things: a man out of time, a shadow monster, and a political crisis that threatens to destabilise Sinnoh. The road ahead will be difficult, but there is no alternative.

Content Warnings:
Broad strokes for the story as a whole: queerphobia; references to settler-colonialism; references to intrusive thoughts and non-graphic discussion of suicidal ideation.

This will be updated as the story progresses. Do feel free to send me a DM if there's anything else you think needs listing.

Author's Notes — January 2nd, 2023:
Hello, and happy new year! This took far longer than I would have liked to get out. My previous efforts to revise this story took place just as Legends: Arceus came out and made my plans for it completely obsolete, which was a blessing in disguise because those revisions ended up turning into a whole rewrite. That version of the story can be found linked above — if you haven't read it, I won't stop you from doing so, but it would be unnecessary. I think it works as its own fun little thing, though I think the prose could do with some retooling and the pacing is very weak. After much restructuring, revising my worldbuilding, and combing through existing material to see what I could repurpose, we find ourselves here over a year later. (Also, college got in the way of a few things. Obligations, I tell you.)

In my efforts to get this done in time for Blitz... or, uh, a little over a week into Blitz, I did not get this beta-read as much as I had planned. This is entirely on me for running it way closer than I had hoped.

On the flipside, I am anticipating as much feedback as you all can give about whatever you think is worth pointing out. What do you think works? What do you think does not work? Are there any typos or mangled sentences I missed in my mad dash to get this done? How do the characters feel? Feel free to comment on absolutely any aspect of it. It's all welcome, and I'll make note to make any adjustments I think are necessary whenever I am able.

As of right now, I also cannot promise an upload schedule, or anything close to that. I intend to get the second chapter up by the time Blitz is over. After that, I'm going to spend time doing as much as I can before I next need to post. Eyeballing this whole project, I would be surprised if it significantly exceeded 350,000 words in length; I plan to get between a quarter and a third of that, including the 20,000 words that I hope to post this month, done before the year is out. I can't make any promises, though. I will be graduating this year, so I anticipate it being a busy one for my personal life.

P.S.: I tried to rein in the prologue as much as I could. It just took on a mind of its own. Stick with it, and I promise it will eventually be relevant, but for now don't worry too much about it. I promise you, I haven't gone all avant-garde in my absence.

Patch notes:
14th Jan. 2023
- Polished chapter one somewhat based on line-by-line feedback. More thorough revisions will arrive in due course — I intend to redo the training sequence and generally make it a little neater around the edges.

26th Aug. 2023
- Revised prologue. I was dissatisfied with the prose in a few places and felt it needed to be more relevant to the rest of the story.

31st Aug. 2023
- Revised chapter one. Similar reasons as above, but I also did this to maintain continuity going forward.

19th Jan. 2024.
- Okay, I swear I'm done with the prologue and chapter one now. They've been revised again; similar reasons as above. Same with chapter two.
- Chapter three got posted and revised at some point recently. I forgot to update that. Anyway, it needs redoing. No more after that, fingers crossed.

Thanks to everyone who helped out, whether through listening to my rubber-ducking in the Discord, providing feedback on the earlier version on the story, or just moral support. Once more, special thanks to our very own wonderful Panoramic_Vacuum for all the valuable support over the years.

Now, again, without further ado...
 
Last edited:
Prologue + Chapter One

slamdunkrai

bing.com
Pronouns
they/them
Partners
  1. darkrai
  2. snom
0.

I’ve seen it all I’ve seen it all; every so often some poor soul will tell you they know everything there is to know like they’ve scouted out every angle and consulted every source and unearthed every secret in all the world but I believe I speak with authority when I say that I have seen it all: there is nobody else like me not anywhere, my level of expertise is unparalleled and my qualities are unshared by any life form in the universe, no life form’s not correct is it not anymore, some would tell you that I can’t speak in first person singular I am a sentence divisible by twelve: I came here centuries ago long before anyone else did before anyone else even knew I planted my flag here so it’s mine dammit mine, I am the ultimate authority on the matter and the matter is simple: there are no telic revelations in the great beyond, some people will give up everything anyway just to be validated who can blame them there is really no greater validation than permanent sleep, pure bliss no disturbances no questions, they say night is the time of monsters what do they know about monsters besides there are no monsters here look around you do you see any

wait no that’s not what I mean that was supposed to be a rhetorical question, who is this oaf what is he doing here does he not know what or where he is, he has flesh he has blood it’s currently dripping from a gaping hole beneath his shoulder you know I could tell you a few things about gaping holes there is a gaping hole where my body should be and there is a gaping hole in place of the eternal sleep I am owed, oh it’s horrible I tell you they look upon my form my concept my species call it monstrous, well we’re all monsters monsters without bodies bodies without organs, death itself is like that in a few ways you know the way it has no capacity to speak for itself no qualities to call its own, yet it stains every surface retools every device redefines every sentence even rewrites every personality like an airborne or digital virus; back to the dying man he’s going to find out sooner or later everyone always does, still unusual: none of them ever come in here with corporeal forms, his wounds are mortal there are no places to hide and he is dressed like a cowboy doesn’t he know what year it is, what year

is it time for this cowboy figure say, doesn’t he look a little familiar? no I swear I’ve seen him before how’s the saying go? you will see him once if you do good and twice if you do bad? who said that I can’t remember but I swear to you I’ve seen him knocking about maybe in a past life, does this mean I’ve done good or bad oh I can’t say, I don’t think I can anything with moral qualities, maybe in a past life, that shouldn’t matter anymore I’ve been wiped clean I’m an empty slate cognisant of my vacuity the ultimate punishment any being could ever hope to face I don’t have my own face, all I have is an aggregate of faces plus the contents of my soul, by now no scale could ever weigh them up in the air nobody could ever judge or discern purpose but what purpose could you reasonably expect I am my container I am a rock ungoverned, who wouldn’t want to die I prefer this to governance by pure feeling or analysis or thought derived from hesitation pointless inward interrogations, meanwhile intuition lies on a higher plane it’s as immutable as DNA every being has it even the bleeding dying cowboy all beings except me

oh where is he now I can’t see him that scoundrel he’s moved, let’s see where he goes, stumbling across the void making a final plea a final desperate gesture at nobody in particular well I suppose except you and I but really who’ll take our word, you know I could kill every human being if I wanted but that’s irrelevant, were you there when the beast came around and said it wanted to do just that? not a bad idea, no you weren’t? it was the funniest thing this wretched hulk born of mew said the humans made it forged it like marble that hairless skin it wanted answers, it said the world is a curtain that obfuscates reorders truth, I said that’s very good you’re very observant and it said don’t patronise me I’m not a child but we’re all children defined by our forebears every father devours his son eventually, then the man came and took it behind the curtain, you know the king in exile he surrendered his power over a country it was too tangible he wanted to look behind the curtain and now he rules the land of absence, his subjects all ghosts all haunt him until he’s happier he is missed but there will come a day when he

is he our cowboy actually? blond hair seems like the outdoors type keeps pokémon enjoys mastery over the world soul gone necrotic he wants sheer will to convert immaterial relations to material fact thinks he can live after death through hard bargaining but not here, I am the air omnipotent in this little fiefdom nobody else will ever see me nobody will ever ask me stupid questions I will never face change I will never face a demand, it’s much better than being human — I digress, I don’t think it is him ah well he is imminent always history cross-stitches across his opaque shadow looming overhead; I think we had a human once a trainer he’s long dead he’s here somewhere, I was human and now I’m this but my personhood continued uninterrupted not erased just exiled what’s the difference between them anyway, speaking of there’s two intruders now one’s a white fox two-legged its fangs bared bloody vengeful, it hunches stooping beneath morals, did the cowboy steal and eat its young, bravo if so, break his monopoly on the violent legitimate, now there’s two of him the bleeding one follows on all fours like a dog behind his false self, can’t see him anymore he’s not alive maybe he’s not dead yet he’ll die eventually

always eventual always more time you spend so much time waiting, don’t you, something big has to come along eventually blow everything else out the water and maybe just maybe this next action will not be the sum of all that come before it, sometimes you end up in the wrong place the wrong time you take a wrong turn just once and you never recover, kids go through doors little adventurers some of them fall through holes in the world dislocated from everything inexorably changed, their families the dissipating nuclei of society they drift or they rupture, you take family where you can find it you reproduce this model ad infinitum or else people disown you think you’re wasting everything, even pokémon are children limited by their guardians, animals are exterior foreign wild things unknown but pokémon they fit conveniently into mass production meet the needs of the trainer, say do you hear the mountain wind, the Sinnese mountain wind cold unforgiving they say it nurtures keeps out invaders, xerneas reanimates xir subjects, xir light glimmers like moonlight over blue runoff in the abandoned gold mines near Veilstone property of the Indigo Empire, Sinnoh the perpetual child squandered its potential I was forged there caught there trained there sent into exile and now there’s only



1.



Connor always insisted he didn’t have much cause to complain about how things had gone. Sure, he’d worked himself to sickness in and out of school, juggling his grades with one hand and his savings across four years of part-time retail work with the other; at least it all paid off in the end. He got his scholarship to join this year’s Sinnese gym circuit, one of two hundred rookie trainers and one-third of the Snowpoint caucus by himself. He’d succeeded where almost a thousand others across the country had failed. The task now was simple: sweep the gyms before the year went out, make enough money out of it to save his ma from eviction, and use whatever he had left over to help pay for college. This was obviously his only shot — not many of his colleagues would be back next year and barring a miracle he would not have the funds for a second attempt — but he preferred it to no shot at all; at least he still just about had a home, a supportive parent, his health, and a support network consisting of his childhood friend and his partner pokémon. All of these were better than nothing, and he’d walked the tightrope of the poverty line long enough to know that keeping this all intact was easier said than done.

He’d come to Floaroma alongside the rest of that network with the intent of staying for a couple of nights to train and rest his legs a little before concluding the long trek to Eterna, the second of his eight obstacles in his path towards meeting his needs. Sitting on his bed, he watched from behind the curtains as the white sun rose towards its periapsis like an omen of the cold, bright Sinnese spring. It was less hostile than winter, threatening only gradual change and unfulfilled promise as opposed to hypothermia and frostbite, but its arrival still demanded that all its subjects come out of hiding. Connor’s qualms with that were strong and ideological in nature.

“Connor,” said Florence from the bed opposite as she scrolled through her phone, “is it just me, or has this kind of lost its novelty by now?”

“In what way?”

“I mean, this is just kind of our job now, isn’t it? And I’m glad we’ve got our pokémon along with us, absolutely; I know it’s a pretty massive privilege that we get to do this for the time being, and for my money there’s not really better company anywhere than the sort I’ve made in here. I’d even go as far as to say I love doing the work, I love the process; I don’t think you really get to do this if you’re not passionate and serious about caring for your pokémon. It’s just…”

She paused in place for a moment to figure out the precise direction her follow-up would take, as she often did; one of the things he’d most come to appreciate about her friendship was that she always tried to speak on her feelings with accuracy and precision. Once she’d found her point she looked up at him; her eyes were always disarming not just for their greenness but their clarity, standing out from her unbrushed curls like flowers in bougainvillea.

“It just feels like we’re running from something,” she continued, “like if we stop for a moment we’ll drown or get swallowed up. I mean, it’s the money, yeah, and I would like the money a lot; gods know you can’t really get HRT or surgery up in Snowpoint unless you go private, as much as I’d like to fix that. But it’s also, uh, I just… I wish we could spend a little more time just existing, really, you know? Not worrying about falling behind on the badge deadline or about making sure we can feed our pokémon; if anything, you know, I wish we could just spend a little more time hanging out with them, getting to know them and stuff. Like what we’re doing now, you know. It’s nice, quiet. It doesn’t need to serve a purpose.”

“Oh,” said Connor, “I just try to take the good with the bad; I make the best of what I can control and try to ignore what I can’t.” Try was the operative word there, he thought out of instinct, but he digressed. “I just try to make the most of this and all those other little interludes where nothing happens; I like taking as many as I can afford with you, and I’m lucky I can afford a fair few. There’s certainly worse ways to survive, and I mean, once we’ve really made a name for ourselves on the circuit we’ll have less to worry about financially and stuff. Besides, at least we’re not cooped up at home or on one of those oil rigs—”

“You’re always such a fuckin’ optimist, man.” Florence craned her neck down and rested her head on her palm, her back forming a crescent. Connor always thought he could listen to her laughter for hours; she had a fantastic laugh, low, subtle and warm.

“Doctor’s orders,” he laughed back. “My happiness is clinically required.”

“Well, you’ve got a point in any case,” she said, “and I guess I can’t argue if it’s for the sake of your health. But you get what I mean, though, don’t you? It’s not just me losing my mind?”

“Oh, absolutely; a lot of this is just boring, even more of it is nerve-wracking, and I’m terrified that, if we lose even one gym battle, we’re off the circuit. I wish something exciting would happen along the way sometimes, or that something would really change my life a little to give it a more apparent sort of meaning than all this wandering around — but, I mean, that’s just how life is a lot of the time. The best thing we can do for ourselves is gradually build towards some kind of transformation, I tell myself, both in myself and in our circumstances; it won’t be immediate but so long as we keep at it, I like to think we’ll look back on this later, once it’s all gotten better, and we’ll realise it was just something minor in the grand upwards arc of our lives.”

Satisfied with his little speech, he stretched out and leaned backwards, extending his joints to the furthest of their mobility to stay limber for the upcoming day. He glanced at the clock, which denoted there was only a few minutes left before the two had to set off to the gym and train; in his brief moment of vulnerability his dearest Ronnie, the aron Connor had known for about thirteen of his eighteen years, stretched onto all-fours and nuzzled his hard carapace into his trainer’s torso.

“There you go again,” said Florence, “talking about those grand upwards arcs. Honestly, it’s unbearable that you’re so… content with mediocrity. Didn’t anyone tell you? We’re all doing malaise now.”

Connor focused his gaze and hands on returning the affection to his other travelling companion; with his left hand he scratched the soft obsidian-pitched scales around the back of Ronnie’s head, which received a high-pitched rumble of contentment, while he ran his right one over the steely shell on Ronnie’s back. “I didn’t say we’re not,” he said in feigned exasperated self-defence, “I just said I try to be content — didn’t I, Ronnie? Oh, you’re such a sweetheart… malaise, though, is really useful. I feel it often, even; my life does kinda suck a lot of the time, I just try and branch out into other feelings when I can.”

Florence made a sound in her throat that sounded phonetically like ‘kvetch’, before losing interest and standing up; she zipped up her coat, ensured her pokéballs were all on her, and returned two of her pokémon from their lazing spots in the kitchen to their miniature spherical transport carriers. “Well, Connor, as much as I love you and as much as I’d love to stay and chat about nothing at all forever, I do have to concede that you’re right; we probably should get to work if we want this to go anywhere.”

“Good call; love you too. I think I’ve got everything on me,” he said, reaching through his coat pockets: “wallet, keys, pokéballs, water bottle, knife… lure, camping gear and food’s in my bag… well, Ronnie, do you think we’re ready to hit the road?”

Ronnie’s chirrup seemed as affirmative as any other response he could have had.

“And Pont,” said Florence to the piplup waddling and flapping at knee-height, “how are you feeling? …You want them beheaded, you say? Why, Your Highness, I don’t think—”

“No! He would never say that!”

And the orphans? Well, Young Pontgomery, I think that’s a little extreme myself, but as your trainer and your steward it is my solemn duty to ensure your every need is met.”

Florence opened the door and trailed out the room with the conversation, and Connor followed suit; their pokémon trailed behind, likely unaware of the elaborate structures behind this dumb bit and no worse off for it. He didn’t hate being dragged from his hiding place; the idea of existing in the world felt at least a little more bearable if he was allowed to indulge in the vice of a really terrible joke with no apparent punchline.

“Nooo…” he trailed down the corridor that led into the centre’s lobby. “Pont, you don’t believe in capital punishment; you’re a good little boy! This isn’t in your heart…”



At its heart, Floaroma felt less like a commune and more like a patchwork of a few streets differentiated only by the names and colours of their interminable greengrocers, cafés and florists. One place sold bicycles at a 50% discount to trainers with a valid rookie license; tragically for the frugal, Sinnoh’s mountainous terrain and long natural paths made this investment non-negotiable.

The thin streets snaked outwards towards the town’s limits with houses that all shared the same aesthetic: white walls with plain roofs and fenced gardens, each containing precise flower arrangements showing that the prettiest parts of nature could be owned and bent towards the exact, unvarying needs of a homeowner’s association — there were two schools in the town, a library, a leisure centre and a temple intermingled with these residential zones, and a few other small businesses that provided goods in less immediate demand than high street stores. The trains arrived on time at the station in the far north-east of town, while the long road west out of town snaked past the Windworks and rejoined the highways a few miles down the road; through all of this, the valley winds blew, and the sawmill off in the forest sang to the townsfolk through the trees.

There were probably worse places to get lonely in close proximity to a couple thousand identical souls, though there were more cost-effective ways of achieving that than paying these kinds of rents. On the other hand, Connor had no complaints at all spending just a few days in such close proximity to all this scenery. As far as his interests extended, the town’s pokémon training facilities lay across the street from Hollander Academy over near the train station; it didn’t take long to reach on bike, cycling through gradually shifting repetitions of the town’s monolithic rusticity. The receptionist was probably a couple of years older than him and half-focused on her book as she got the two trainers signed in for the day.

“How’s the book?” Connor asked in an effort to fill the air while she signed their names down on the register. “Any good?”

“No,” said the receptionist without looking up, “just college stuff.”

“Ah.”

“You’re all set, in any case. We close at 9; let the desk know when you’re done and we can sign you out.”

“Cool, thank you so much!”

The receptionist glanced up from her book to acknowledge him and nodded once before fixing her attention on her studies, which were hopefully more interesting. She had no real say in dealing with people like him and every other trainer all day, he thought; he could hardly begrudge her for making the most of her downtime.

The party headed up the stairs, down the corridor, and Connor got set up on one of four courts inside the main hall — Florence took the one on the opposite end of the room. He set his pokémon up between the jagged chalk lines that formed the boundaries of this little arena, made of slightly uneven clay that likely needed some resurfacing; this was hardly like those huge complexes that the pros and the big-name prospects trained in in Pastoria and Sunyshore, but he’d trained in similar or worse conditions all throughout school. These were merely the facilities available to him. He could hardly complain. With Florence, he hauled out the requisite amount of straw dummies and mannequins armoured with used batting helmets and elbow-guards; they wheeled over the two spare pitching machines, one for each court, and mapped out every obstacle alongside every target to ensure an evenly-spread and consistently engaging workload for their partners.

Once all the prep was done, they wished each other luck and then set timers for the next seven hours. Connor retreated into routine like a comfortable cloak and opted to let his instinct take control; overthinking was the silent killer of many a trainer.

Rottenhat came up first; he flew up to Connor’s falconry glove, which was thankfully just big enough to fit the newly-evolved staravia and did not require any costly upgrade, and in response Connor clicked his clicker with his free hand. He put the clicker in his coat pocket and knelt to the ground, slowly and carefully so as to not disturb the balance of his large bird with sharp talons for gripping tightly onto skittery ground-hugging prey; he picked up the lure, textured and coloured vaguely like a bunneary attached to a line, and swung it out into the open air between the walls of the cheap gym building. Rottenhat tore through the air with his talons outstretched and pointed, knife-sharp, at his target; they glowed bone white with elemental energy as he seized it in a matter of seconds, then brought his tango partner down to the floor with such momentum that it almost tugged the line out of Connor’s grip. For his effort, Connor summoned the scraggly teenage hunting machine with back to the glove and rewarded him with a chunk of the filleted magikarp Connor had bought and prepared the other night.

Connor repeated this in variations throughout the session, moving between the lure and stationary targets while trying out different angles or methods of attack: rising towards the lure, falling towards it, coming at it from the side, grabbing it and bringing it to the floor, grabbing it and then letting go, slashing at it, attacking it with wings, blowing it away with gusts of wind, attacking different vulnerable parts of each dummy, slashing with talons, crushing with beak, with each repetition adjusted to hone Rottenhat’s mechanisms or a specific one of his attacks where necessary. He knew what wing attack, aerial ace, protect, swift, and air slash all meant as commands and could execute each one reliably and consistently; he just needed some help fine-tuning his tempo and flight mechanics so as to expend no unnecessary energy and spend no more time vulnerable than needed.

Through it all, Connor found himself unable to escape the feeling that he’d lucked himself into befriending and working with such a fantastic bird; he’d come from the wild as opposed to a specific breeding program, and Connor had only been his partner for about a month now, but Connor swore he had a real natural talent that would serve him well on the circuit. He often wondered whether Rottenhat ever understood any of his gratitude, let alone reciprocated it; he always tried to keep his pokémon out of their pokéballs whenever necessary to allow them to live a little more like the animals that they were, to let them know that they could return to the wild if they ever felt that was what they preferred; there was always that species barrier, far greater than a mere cultural or linguistic one, that would guarantee something always got lost in translation despite their bond.

Once all was said and done, Rottenhat would eventually return to the wild anyways; it would be easier for Connor and likely healthier for the bird in the long run — Connor just hoped to give him shelter, food and training in exchange for his temporary service, so that he would one day become a mighty staraptor and live a lengthy, fulfilling life with a mate in the wild. Many young starlies did not survive in the wild, after all, and even the ones who evolved were not guaranteed to do so again. He told himself that this was ethical and in fact a service to Rottenhat so long as he did all he could as a trainer.

He just couldn’t tell if he lived up to these promises even half as much as he hoped.

Afterwards, there was time for a quick break, then his focus turned to working on Ronnie’s offence — close-quarters combat, ranged attacks, elemental attacks, traps; iron tail, heavy slam, metal claw, rock tomb; stealth rock, rock polish, screech, even some more work getting shock wave right. The little guy beat the ground with his forelimbs, focused hard — closed his eyes — but the ball of electricity crackling over his head always dissipated in a second or two every time. After twenty minutes, Connor decided he’d tried hard enough and called him over for pets, headscratches and treats. Ronnie doddled over with his head hung low and eyes half-shut like sad half-moons.

“Hey, don’t worry,” said Connor with Ronnie’s big head wedged tightly between his arms, “you’re doing fantastic! You made really good progress with everything else today, and we all start somewhere… don’t worry about it. We’ll get it eventually, hey?”

Ronnie perked up about it, chirping and purring with his head held higher as their little break drew to an end — then more work on defence for the two pokémon for the remainder of the session: dodging and deflecting balls from the pitching machine launched at a variety of speeds and angles, over and over until the two got into good patterns with consistency and ease like little tapdancers choreographing as they went.

Connor watched with pride, chest puffed out and arms triangular at each side, when the timer on his phone went off before he could call for a sparring session. Florence had stressed the importance of knowing his limits, not just for his own sake but for that of his pokémon; he equivocated for a moment, conscious that there was always more to do, before turning to Florence and deciding to wrap things up on her schedule. He’d have to make up for the lost sparring once they were in Eterna and ready to train in two days’ time — the sky had already gone dim and blood orange to signify that today was at its end.

The debrief was the same as usual: effervescent, non-stop praise for the two pokémon as they worked away on their treats. Connor explained that he had all the reason in the world to be grateful that his pokémon stuck by him and kept working hard, because he would be nothing without their help; he gave Ronnie another hug and ran the back of two fingers down Rottenhat’s crest, which was as much affection as Rottenhat enjoyed — his brain wasn’t wired that way. He closed his eyes and squawked like a chew toy. That was reciprocation in his own way, Connor supposed as he grinned despite himself. He put everything back where he’d found it with Florence just as a janitor came in; they each bade him a great night, and he returned the gesture.

Outside the hall, the two trainers exchanged their usual post-work niceties — she felt just as satisfied with her progress as he did; they were both ready for the fight against Gardenia, they just needed to keep fresh and sharp in the run-up to the match, and by the way, they’d both lucked out with their search for flying-type pokémon; Elsie, her murkrow, was fantastic — while they headed back through the hall. The receptionist, who was still on shift somehow, was in the midst of a long, seemingly terse conversation with Cam Hendricks and his hulking luxio.

Florence winced a little on instinct, then played it off like a sneeze.

Consensus both in print and online had Cam Hendricks ranked as the second best trainer among this year’s crop of rookies. He was as safe a bet as they came; the training program over at Sunyshore Regional churned out disciplined, versatile trainers at the same rate as the city’s giant factory churned out microchips, and he finished as the highest scorer in his class. His dad was an executive at a software engineering firm, with enough connections and wealth to pay for lessons in Kanto and Kalos over summer. The Pokétch Company gave him a top-of-the-line smartwatch to model with an eye for an ad deal a year or two down the line; his battle uniform had sponsorship patches from a printer company and some health food start-up. If anyone would become the first rookie to beat Volkner in four years, one columnist had written, Cam was almost the safest bet there was.

Connor had almost beaten him once at the round of 16 in a regional U-14 tournament a few years back. Each trainer worked with rental pokémon; Connor swore he had him on the ropes up two-against-one. Maybe if he’d called his toxicroak to attack Cam’s milotic more aggressively, maybe if he tried to bide his time a little more in that final stretch until the poison had worn down the glorious, mighty sea serpent, their lives would have turned out a little different — yes, Cam was always going to become a big deal, but Connor didn’t even have a battle uniform, let alone sponsorships.

Now they were in the same room, and the receptionist had given up on politely trying to explain to Cam that the facilities were about to close for the night, while Cam insisted that he was only going to be an hour or two and that he’d clean up after himself. It wasn’t a big deal, he kept saying. That receptionist didn’t get paid enough for this.

“Let’s go do something else,” Florence whispered. “You wanna get dinner?”

Connor nodded wordlessly and headed to the door to get some air while Cam’s thick, ballooning silence swallowed the room and overwhelmed its inhabitants. His plan seemed to constitute an impossible kind of magic, born from a desire to substitute the cold, hard reality of the facility’s operating hours with the atemporal world he wished to inhabit by force of sheer willpower.



Night fell over Sinnoh in increments; the last vestiges of sunlight faded and conversations across most official channels slowed to a halt. Nothing really replaced either of them save for creaking bugs and a wind chill caught in transition — too amicable for desolate Januaries, at least, but still far less jovial than the evenings in summer. The two trainers found a little part of the meadow in which to sit and steal a little fragment of time. They ate their pre-packed sandwiches, which had long since gone cold, and spoke at length with a distinct absence in meaning. Absence came in many forms with nightfall, after all.

A group of combees finished their work for the day amidst the ash trees and conifers over at the other side of the clearing, beyond the ornate floral compositions cordoned off by rope; their presence, when noticed, halted the idle chatter. “By gods,” Florence said, breathless. She took out her camera and grabbed a few pictures with the flashed turned off. “Look at them. They’re working so hard, aren’t they?”

They gathered their nectar and honey in tight communion with one another, each individual packed into a set of three and shaped in a honeycomb structure that allowed each unit to form a hive structure. They all inhabited the same wavelength, communicating wordlessly beyond the faint hum of their wings in unison. Each individual harboured countless secrets, Connor thought, and each was ceaselessly complex in its own right; he’d heard of combees making surprisingly lively and determined pokémon, popular among novice bug keepers. The sum total of relationships between each member of the hive likely contained more information than he would ever know.

“That’s awesome,” said Connor. “Wow. Yeah, they’re fantastic.”

“Aren’t they just? Aren’t they just — oh, holy shit, look.”

All of them stopped in the air and fell into a giant formation across space as their monarch emerged from the shadows in the woods. Connor had never actually seen a vespiquen in person before; he took out his phone and quickly logged her with the pokédex app on his phone before resuming. She carried herself in such a stately manner; her wings took up far more space and buzzed considerably louder than those of her drones, while her bulky abdomen formed a hexagonal structure similar to a ball gown in shape and a little airship in its bulky, imposing nature. “That’s where she keeps all her larvae,” Florence whispered, “and it’s more like a honeycomb structure than a dress… but isn’t she so elegant? And look at those big eyes, that jewel on her head… what a specimen. Oh, she’s wonderful…”

Connor did not think it was worth saying or doing anything except smiling sincerely at his enraptured friend as she stared at the vespiquen, who either did not know either of them were there or did not care in the slightest. He didn’t mind that at all, nor it didn’t seem to affect Florence’s undying admiration in the slightest. The world would have been a much more boring place to experience, Connor thought, if viewed solely through the relationship each of its constituents had with him — both real and hypothetical. Sure, training a combee or even a vespiquen would have been nice, but right now he didn’t need it, nor did these ones seem to have any interest in approaching or working with him. He was just glad he wasn’t disturbing them, if anything.

His pokémon both sat alongside him; Ronnie sat with his head on his trainer’s lap, staring off at the hive with a mild apprehension concealed somewhat by the width of his eyes and the natural curiosity they always seemed to contain. Rottenhat, on the other hand, perched on a branch in Connor’s eyeline. He kept the staravia’s pokéball on hand ready for a swift return just in case he decided to attack the countless bugs, which was always a possibility. Pont and Elsie rested at Florence’s side in an uncharacteristic quiet and stillness, while her other pokémon — her dustox, Bimpton III (more commonly Bimp; there had not been a Bimpton I or II, to his knowledge) — absent-mindedly crawled up a tree and chewed up its bark.

“This is all pretty wonderful,” he finally said, not fully voluntarily. “I mean, all of this; just hanging out with you and watching the world pass by. It always is. But that vespiquen… wow…”

“Hey,” she replied, nudging him, “you’re not so bad yourself.”

He couldn’t stop himself from glancing over as she looked up at him with a knowing grin, her lips slightly scrunched as if to conceal the full width of the expression; the whites of her eyes stuck out like little stars in their own right.

“Well, you know, uh,” he said, “neither are you.”

“I know. I mean, you said that yourself.”

“Well, I just like to repeat it.”

Connor figured it was better to say nothing and just laugh it off instead, because nothing more needed saying. She reciprocated the gesture, hung an arm around him and brought him in close before taking a few more pictures of the combees as they all retreated into the dark of the woods. They were followed eventually by their ever-vigilant leader, who scanned the horizon for threats and seemed to conclude that neither Connor nor Florence were among them; for a moment, Connor swore they each made eye contact with the glorious creature as she paused in place before retreating.

The moment played out just a little longer before Florence checked her watch. “Well, I should probably head back to the room now; I’ve gotta video call Vi and Syd at nine. Did you wanna come with?”

Connor thought about it for a moment. There was always so much going on as of late, he figured, and such little time to take in just how much there was beyond the confines of the circuit; he figured he needed to humble himself from time to time by taking in the nature and the quiet of the world at night. They’d be out of Floaroma the next day, and there was no saying if they’d ever be back — or, if they were, how much of it would have stayed the same in the time since their visit; again, Connor found himself starting to miss the moment as it dragged on. Besides, he needed to take a few pictures to send to his ma.

“Ah, I’ll go for a bit more of a wander,” he said. “I’ll probably join you when I’m ready for bed.”

“Fair enough!” she said as they both got up to wander. “I’ll leave you to it, in that case. See you then?”

“Yeah,” he said, “see you then. Tell them both I said hi, though; I’m looking forward to seeing them when we’re back in Snowpoint.”

“You got it.”

Bimp, Pont and Elsie all followed their trainer out of the meadow and out of sight, leaving Connor standing beneath the firmament with his pokémon, his thoughts, and some direction to find. Rottenhat looked up at the empty sky, stood up and honked — it was about that time. Connor took his pokéball out and extended it out to the staravia on the ground.

“You want back in, hey, pal?” he asked; the bird honked again as if to give an affirmative and, with a click of the button, dissipated into a trail of light. Ronnie, meanwhile, came from a species who dwelled in caves back in their natural habitat; nighttime walks suited him just fine, barring maybe his stubby little legs.

Connor’s own legs were moving now. He looked back at his seat, double-checked he’d left behind no litter — he hadn’t — and then cottoned onto the fact he was in motion with company. “Alright, little guy, let’s see where the night takes us.”

Ronnie affirmed and responded with rumbles and intermittent chitters, continuing as the sojourn took Connor down the east road out of town along the river current. The membranous dorsal fins of magikarps and a couple other species of fish rose out of the lazing water and glimmered white on orange as their owners passed him and Ronnie, keeping a distant sort of company that felt more symbolic than anything — there were fishermen down the stream and fishing boats at the end of the line, while the eyes of hungry birds overhead and predacious buizels, swimming in wait, fell upon the hapless fish. Connor couldn’t quite put his finger on what it symbolised, exactly.

His walk took him past the trees and along the ridged peaks of the Coronet mountain range, over towards the rhythmic spinning of the dozens of wind turbines standing like a little army guarding the big metallic fortress that housed the Valley Windworks. All these things reminded him of his own smallness.

The Windworks powered a good chunk of western Sinnoh, the counterpart of Sunyshore’s solar panels and the myriad oil and gas plants up in the north; every so often the government floated the cessation of drilling and the transition to nuclear, and every so often some drilling firm running on Galaxy Corps money threatened to fight any such effort in court. The national assembly debated the issue frequently and generally concluded that current practices facilitated crucial trade with Kanto while enabling Sinnoh’s own energy sovereignty, and things remained the same. The sovereignty of the Reranai nation over the territory it had lived on for millennia, even that which it had received in the Celestica Land Act of 1899, did not matter: that was where the rigs stood.

All of this had happened long since he’d been born, and all of it dictated his life in tangible ways. Energy sovereignty was apparently the most important thing in the world — it allowed Sinnoh to stay solvent and ensured people could afford to heat their homes, ostensibly, but when winter came around in Snowpoint it emptied the coffers of almost everyone he knew. Yes, it sucked, but freezing to death at home hardly seemed appealing either. Once-in-a-lifetime winters seemed to happen every three or four years now, which seemed attributable to the atmospheric prominence of greenhouse gases emitted in sites maybe an hour or two from where Connor lived.

In Floaroma, they sometimes complained that the turbines looked ugly.

Connor walked on, unable to shake the sensation that he was being haunted by a ghost.

This was not the first time he’d thought this. People often looked at history like some kind of nightmare from which they could not awaken; while he felt he owed it a bit more grace given his intent to study it in college, he understood the idea. Everything was defined by the social and material conditions that produced it, those conditions deriving shaping and in turn being shaped by an unending series of events, in which he, too, was both a hapless spectator and a potential agent at odds with, and unable to break from, a world-defining logic which had…

…was his head spinning, all of a sudden? Everything seemed distant; the world had become so dim, so fragile, as though it wasn’t really there. His vision blurred, his ears started to ring, and his knees buckled as he trembled forward — what was this falling sensation? Had he had been excised from his body? Was it his fault? No, he hadn’t slept that badly as of late; six hours was enough, even if it came spread across thin spurts; he was pretty sure he’d eaten enough lately, too. Even so, he kept falling as though caught in the pull of a black hole — and oblivion felt so comforting from a distance, devoid of all worry and all the threats of the world that exerted themselves on him in the present and the future; there was no need to worry about… about...

Connor blinked hard and looked around; Ronnie had positioned himself at his feet to prevent him from falling over, and his hand had scraped, splintering, across a wooden fence. He looked around and tried to recall where he was or how he’d gotten here, right outside a set of houses just a few hundred yards from the Windworks proper.

“Oh, uh, it’s okay, Ronnie; I think I’m fine,” he said, kneeling down and affording Ronnie as much affection as he could for the trouble—

“U-um, excuse me? S-sir? Are you a trainer?”

The voice belonged to a little girl, about six or seven, with tears in her eyes; she clutched a teddiursa plushie tight and had her hair done up in a neat little bow. She’d appeared in front of him at some point — had she seen him almost black out? He felt the chill of the wind on his back all of a sudden; he tried to check the time but couldn’t make heads or tails of it. No, that was rude. She was speaking to him, and there was a jackhammer between his ears.

“Sorry, um, yes, I’m a trainer; sorry about that… uh, um, is everything okay?”

She looked up at him as he approached, sniffing and screwing up her face as if to make her tears go back in; there was a moment of hesitation before she continued, and a strange clarity in her eyes that made the cavalcade of noise in his head fade. It was only here that Connor took note of the terrible churn in his gut. Looking around, he felt as if the trees and the concrete in the space around him had gone slanted beneath some great pressure — as if the world itself had been subjected to some great disorder.

For just a brief second, Connor swore he felt a ghost crawling up his back.

“C-can you help me, please?” asked the girl. “I c-can’t find my daddy.”

 
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Negrek

Abscission Ascendant
Staff
Hey, Jeff! Glad I have some more spooky Sinnoh shenanigans to read about this year. You've obviously made some pretty big changes since the last version of the fic, and I think they work well!

The most obvious change is showing off much more of the "trainer journey" aspect of the story here in the first chapter, which given that I think the journeyfic elements are supposed to be pretty prominent in this story makes a lot of sense. The revised first chapter also gives us a better introduction to Connor, Florence, and their relationship, which I think is all to the good. In general I think this revised chapter does a nice job of balancing character and scenario introduction with pointing ahead towards where the story's going from here.

One thing that was really interesting to me was the emphasis on how difficult training can be and the stark inequalities that permeate the system, which I didn't remember being as pronounced in the previous version of the story. Like, if you lose a gym match you're just straight-up disqualified and fail your journey completely? Hooooly... that's brutal!

I do enjoy me some league system worldbuilding, so tidbits like Connor being projected as a three-badge trainer are fascinating to me. I imagine advertisers want those predictions so they can decide who to sponsor? I'm really curious who goes around and assesses everybody and what that all ends up being used for. One way or another, this chapter really drives home what a difficult position Connor and Florence are in--it sets up some serious stakes! They're not expected to do well because they don't have the resources of a lot of "more promising" trainers, but if they fail to do well their hometown's likely to lose its training academy, which is no doubt going to mean even more financial hardships for Snowpoint. No pressure or anything, though.

All in all the setup here reminds me a lot of Persephone's Broken Things, which also follows a group of disadvantaged trainers trying to make a better life for themselves while having to worry about e.g. not catching more pokémon than their food budget can support. Well worth reading if you haven't already! In any case, I think you do a great job of setting up the tricky situation Connor's in and why his training and the upcoming gym battle are so important to him. It seems like he may not really be into training as such and is more doing this out of a sense of obligation to his hometown and Florence? Super rough if so... that's a hell of a lot of stress to go through for something you aren't necessarily very dedicated to. I'm also a little unclear on how the whole "being a trainer" thing ties into his goal of becoming a historian. Obviously it does allow you to travel around the region and visit different historical sites, but that doesn't seem to be Connor's primary focus. Is it a case of "need to make it big as a trainer to make money to fund history degree" or "training experience looks really good on history program applications?" If training doesn't have anything to do with what Connor wants to do later on and he's really just doing it out of obligation, that is a BIG oof...

Of course, while the trainer elements make up the majority of the chapter this time, there's still spooky shit going on, too! I'm not sure who the dying human we saw at the beginning was... someone connected with Galactic, presumably? Not ringing any bells for canon characters that I know of. Best I can tell, he either ended up turning into an H-zoroark or is, like, psychopomp'd by one. The narrator in this section seems like they could be a spiritomb, or maybe unown. I'm curious to see how this part will end up connecting to the main fic!

I enjoyed the old opening to the fic, but I think the new one does give readers a bit more to latch onto, while retaining a bit of the old spooky atmosphere. From the ending it looks like we might end up seeing some of the events from the previous opening chapter coming up next, and I'm super excited to see how they'll play out this time! I'm glad you revisions went well enough that you're able to start posting, and I look forward to more!

Linequotes said:
You try to think — back in the punctual days, you imagined this day coming
"punctual" days?

Perhaps he wasn’t; death may have some transportative qualities, but it is not some great equaliser which places you where you are supposed to be. You just stop living and do something else.
I quite like this bit!

He stared at his trainer with eyes so wide that, for such a little creature, always captured a great curiosity about the vastness of the world around him.
This sentence strikes me as a bit funky; the "for such a little creature" doesn't seem to connect properly to the rest of it. Something like "He stared at his trainer with wide eyes that always captured a greater curiosity about the vastness of the world around him than Connor would expect from such a little creature."

Little Pontgomery was a regal fellow; same as all piplups.
You want a comma here rather than a semicolon. But omg, PONTGOMERY, I still love him.

Connor had not yet done a good enough job of installing it, and that was on him.
*instilling

How many staravia and staraptors, he wondered, had honed their skills training alongside humans?
I think this should either be "staravias and staraptors" or "staravia and staraptor," depending on which convention you prefer.

His eyes remained fixed on the clicker in his hand, waiting for it to click — for a treat for a job well done.
The double "his" here is confusing, since it would indicate the clicker is in Rottenhat's hand... "the clicker in Connor's hand," "the clicker in his trainer's hand," etc., would fix that right up.

Thankfully, Ronnie was on-hand to help with that.
It wasn't clear to me how Ronnie helped with Rottenhat's "attacking the baseballs" problem... because Rottenhat got the message that trying to attack the flying stones would be bad? Helping by letting Rottenhat blow off steam against an actual opponent?

he dodged the artillery as it came, through flying in rings and making sharp turns in the air — it wasn’t grateful watching him fight against gravity and an onslaught of projectiles, but it didn’t need to be.
Wasn't grateful? I think you may mean another word there.

Agility wasn’t his strong suit; he scuttled rapidly in a straight line for short distances, yes, and he could turn quickly on the spot, but he just wasn’t built for a short turning circle.
The "he/his" in this sentence refer to Connor; changing the first instance to "Ronnie's" would fix it right up.

him and Florence made up two-thirds of this year’s crop of trainers from Snowpoint’s academy
*he and Florence

But if him and Florence didn’t make it far
*he and Florence

He made note to ask later if he could borrow some more , and whether she’d need anything back for it.
Random space in front of the comma

As repetitive as it felt to keep saying this, he could never remind himself of this often enough: his job was to follow as well as he could, to pick up any part of the burden her hands were too full to handle.
This sentence really made me sit up and take notice. Like oof, Connor, oh no. Does Florence know you feel like this?? Oh, dear.

He could not make his ears stop ringing on command, nor dry out the crimson tinges of his vision. Given the success of today’s training, he felt better than he often did despite the ambience.
Huh, I hadn't gotten the impression that Connor was feeling that poorly. Why is his vision tinged red? What ambience is he referring to here? I thought the ambience was pretty positive (e.g. pretty flowers, bees, seemed relaxing).

the small town where nothing happened except the blossoming of flowers.
For some reason this dunk on Floaroma amuses me to hell and bac.

Florence watched with wide and glistening eyes — and Connor turned in that direction — as part of a combeehive emerged from the trees with the listless glee of office workers piling out for lunch break.
At first I was like, "ooh, combeehive, fakemon evo for combee?" Then I thought it was just a typo and you meant "combee hive." But then it happened again later? I think you are using it to refer to a "hive" of combee, a family group. If so, why are you making it one word?

A couple of times characters "close their eyes" at someone, which I think is supposed to evoke the same thing as when anime characters close their eyes when happy? It reads a bit odd to me, because people/animals generally don't do that in real life, and this fic otherwise doesn't feel very anime to me.

As he did, he looked over in the distance where the Valley Windworks stood in the distance
Something funky's going on with "in the distance" here. You probably don't want to use "off in the distance" again in the next sentence, either.

like an eternal hiker, always giving a thumbs-up yet always a little too risky to approach.
Not sure I get what's going on with this simile; as it reads, it's saying that Mt. Coronet is like a hiker, that is, too risky to approach. But I don't think of hikers as particularly risky to approach, so not sure that's what you were going for? (Maybe you meant hitchiker rather than hiker? Not sure I totally buy the danger even then.)

though likely nowhere near the summit; that required plenty of physical conditioning and equipment that Connor didn’t have and likely couldn’t afford.
:copyka:

her lower lip trembling and hands trembling.
Perhaps just "hands and lower lip trembling?"
[/spoiler]
 

kyeugh

you gotta feel your lines
Staff
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. farfetchd-galar
  2. gfetchd-kyeugh
  3. onion-san
  4. farfetchd
  5. farfetchd
All of their pokémon were out, including Florence’s dear Bimp.
RETURN OF THE BIMP LET'S FUCKING GO :letsgorb:

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0 -
hey jeeps! i apologize again for dropping the ball on betaing this—i underestimated how much i had going on fr fr, but in any event i'm sooo glad to sink my teeth into this fic again. the work you put into this rewrite definitely shows, and there's some really intriguing hisui-flavored stuff going on right at the gates—i haven't read any hisui fic yet, so i'm excited to see where that goes!

overall i really enjoyed the new prologue. the original prologue is so dreamlike, almost a fugue—connor's surroundings are so strange and otherworldly that he feels detached from himself, taking it all in, consciously grounding himself through things like counting. i think this prologue maintains that sense of detachment—but instead of conveying dissociation, we are literally having the events relayed to us by a different narrator. the voice is great, wry and a bit scornful but also quite alien and mysterious. we get some absolute banger lines too—i love the cherry imagery, "wouldn't you be angry if you had a big hole in you," "when you do not define yourself, anything can define itself as part of you," the clinical descriptions of death and second death. just a really cool perspective. i'm dittoing negrek's guess that this narrator is a spiritomb—PLA has some pretty interesting spiritomb stuff going on, so it'll be cool to see how you adapt that.

narratively i'm curious what's going on—it seems the Oaf:tm: has been betrayed and had his memories wiped by a leader or mentor of some kind, someone whom he trusted and who roped him into some kind of campaign. then it seems like he's enthralled by the hisuian zoroark (which is beautifully described, btw). was he given up as an offering? i'm definitely intrigued by these characters and curious about what role they'll go on to play.

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1 -

this chapter is a longun but definitely worth it! overall, again i think the work you've put into rebuilding this fic really shows, and this chapter represents a big improvement. being introduced to florence a bit sooner is really nice, and connor's personality really shines, especially compared to the previous rendition of the fic where he's largely a passive observer for the first couple chapters.

there are a lot of strengths in this chapter. first of all, the sketch you provide of the world they inhabit is excellent. the struggles against deregulation and environmental destruction that sinnoh faces, as well as the stark income inequalities that connor and florence face, are all too familiar. as negrek says, you establish the stakes of their journey very efficiently and convincingly. the structure and nature of the gym challenge is unique and harsh, but also makes sense. i like the idea that in an increasingly atomized and individual-focused world, the economic wellbeing of a community might come down to ritualized, capitalist-sponsored single combat by way of pokémon training... it makes a lot of sense in the context of canon wb, but you've adapted it well to a more grounded adaptation of the world that's being pushed to its limits by liberalism.

just in this chapter you establish some dark legacies of the past—the colonization of hisui, as well as a war in recent memory which i'm very interested in learning more about—in addition to shadows of the future, such as the growing threat of habitat destruction, species endangerment, and climate change (vis-à-vis renewable energy). it's for sure an intriguing world you've built already, and i'm sure that connor will provide an interesting insight into it as a historian. i also enjoy the attention you've paid to the logistics and expenses of pokémon training and travel. like negrek says, it brings to mind persephone's broken things.

the pokémon are also an absolute delight. it's awesome seeing their personalities, the ways they play off their trainers and each other, their ecologies, and of course their names—BIMP and ROTTENHAT supremacy forever. in particular i really liked seeing elsie and rottenhat interact. there seems to be a strong emphasis so far on each pokémon having its place; there are no pokémon that are inherently better or worse than others, just perhaps ones with more or less utility to humans, but each of them is perfectly adapted to their ecological context. i enjoyed connor's reflections on this a lot, both as regards his comparisons between elsie and rottenhat as well as his thoughts about how the rallies for habitat preservation are always in the name of cute pokémon like buizel and buneary when the less charismatic ones are just as valuable and important to the natural order. these ideas hit really close to home, and they fit perfectly into your world. also, your pokémon are just straight up adorable and full of personality; we only see a bit of each of them here, but their characters are already so strong and distinctive. and we love to see robbie getting scritches.

connor and florence's relationship always really shines. i was already fond of florence as she appeared in h!sc but i feel like her character really glows right off the bat here, and their dynamic feels much more concretely defined here. connor's inferiority complex feels real, but it doesn't get in the way of their very real and delightful friendship; their banter is natural and i really liked the part where you note that connor feels truly comfortable and relaxed just saying whatever comes to mind without having to scrutinize it too much. as someone who lives in her own head a lot, i really related to that, lol. it's really the difference between a good friendship and a great one, the lowering of those walls and inhibition. they just work great together.

although this rewrite is greatly improved in this regard, i would say my one major critique of this version remains the distribution of detail—there are definitely lines and reflections that felt superfluous or repetitive, and in particular i felt like the training sequence (which describes action that's fairly snappy in real time) was somewhat protracted. there's a lot of focus on detailing specific physical actions and the mechanical routine of training that, while interesting in passing, occupy a substantial wordcount and didn't feel like they were proportionally advancing the story or developing the characters. in this part and in some of connor's introspections, i felt the length of this otherwise very engaging chapter.

i think adding in this chapter to establish the world and connor's character before jumping into the windworks uh-oh times was a really good choice. having this idea of him and his stakes will definitely help ground what i expect will remain a fairly abstract and dissociative scene. i'm really looking forward to seeing your new spin on it, whether it incorporates new (hisuian!?) worldbuilding or is a more polished version of the previous edition. and in general i'm really glad to be back in this story and world, and to see you posting again! keep up the swaggy work!

You try to think — back in the punctual days, you imagined this day coming;
it may just be flying over my head, but i wasn't sure what "punctual days" meant here.

How about those spheres on his belt, like little worlds—
i loved this.

made from the leather of some poor bastard’s hide. Can’t hide now.
nice.

How did this awful beast hide in our midst? It takes the form of a white fox, stands on two legs like a human and cackles — it has a snout like a waiting drooling bear trap, with yellow half-moons for eyes. Such pristine fur…
this description is great.

Every so often, the thought wracked his mind through a sleepless night.

“Yeah, I think I get you,” he said.
hahahaha. "this regularly keeps me up at night. i mean yes, i think i understand."

He stared at his trainer with eyes so wide that, for such a little creature, always captured a great curiosity about the vastness of the world around him.
this is a little clunky/confusing at first pass.

In all the years they’d known each other — was it twelve or thirteen now? Connor had been about six when they met, when Ronnie was just a newborn — he often wondered whether the little guy had been some sort of cat in his past life.
i think this should be two sentences, the injection in the middle makes it hard to follow. i'm living for kitty aron though.
Rottenhat, the staravia who was now perched on the table.
INCREDIBLE name. you have a way with these

Connor could only hope to match the confidence with which he carried himself — not that it was earned, not at all, but he couldn’t tell the guy that it wasn’t. That was all that mattered.
what was all that mattered?

As he swooped down towards a dummy with a shriek like an overgrown, more fiercely-armed wingull, his talons glistened with a fierce white glow. If all went to plan, he would make a tremendous impact; he could knock the strawman over with his speed and muscle, keep its midsection trapped, then get to tearing and biting at it with his sharp weapons.

Connor watched with his breath held…

It didn’t quite pan out like that —
i felt like this was a lot of description for something that probably would have happened very quickly. maybe connor could give the command and there could be some narration about his expectations surrounding that, freeing up the actual action for a snappier description.

Birds in particular tended to learn on the fly
😏

As he grew stronger, he would need weaning off the glove; eventually, he would grow too big to fit on there, and when evolved he would stand only a foot and a half or so shorter than his trainer.
damn. he big as hell. it's really cool getting reminders of how big some pokémon are. they really do be monsters

Connor’s attention shifted to his longest-serving pokémon and most trusted companion
i wasn't sure about this—i feel like it's kinda wordy and isn't particularly new information

Click. “There we go!” he yelled, reaching for a chunk of iron ore in his pocket and placing it before Ronnie. “You’re just fantastic, little guy; oh, I love you to bits…”

Ronnie chirped and squeaked with glee, nuzzling into his trainer’s outstretched hand before eating half the ore as a reward for the hard work.
unfathomably blessed

Rottenhat had a niche out in the wild that required a different set of skills, which he had in spades — but he could not deny her particular intelligence was more recognisable as human-like.
i like this distinction, that pokémon aren't necessarily more or less intelligent but rather that their intelligence is more or less human-like.

Rottenhat and her got to talking about things beyond Connor’s understanding, and likely beyond Rottenhat’s; he seemed an inelegant communicator, one that little Elsie talked right past and at times gave what seemed like withering looks.
this it's cool. it's interesting to see pokémon interacting with each other in ways that connor doesn't have access to but can still form deductions from—the communication barriers and different intelligences you're establishing are super neat.

Florence was the taller of the two by about five inches, if he remembered correctly; at times, he felt as though he didn’t amount to much, physically and otherwise
the vibes

outside of the Champion herself, he was obviously the greatest trainer in all the land, and even that was up for unofficial debate nowadays.
i think what you're saying here is that it's debated that volkner might actually surpass cynthia, but initially i read it like it was debated that volkner is actually even deserving of his rank; i might tweak the wording a bit.

Connor had battled him once before, at the quarter-finals of Sinnoh’s annual intra-region under-16s tournament. He read that it was an upset that he got to the quarter finals at all — nobody from his academy had gotten that far before, and nobody had since; the trainer he beat in the preceding round was ranked by some outlets as the eleventh-best in this year’s crop of trainers. By all accounts, his battle with Cam had been a close one; a 3v3 that went right down to each trainer’s last pokémon. It was a boneheaded move on his part letting this match-up happen — but despite his very best efforts, Ronnie fell to Cam’s riolu.

The cards could have fallen just a little differently, he often said. Maybe he could’ve dodged that hard chop or the brick-break attack, if dust hadn’t gotten in his eyes. It didn’t matter, but if things hadn’t panned out as they had, maybe things would be different. Maybe someone would’ve offered Connor a place at some rich school somewhere; maybe there would’ve at least been some eyes on him, and someone — anyone — would have given him a bit more money for the road ahead. Maybe he would, in this world, spend less time worrying about stupid things like money.
wow, i was kind of counting connor out as a mid trainer bc of his self-assessment as such, but it looks like he's actually more or less holding his own against some of the most accomplished trainers in the circuit. connor impostor syndrome real? when the space cadet is sus

Connor checked his watch — how had they managed to spend three and a half hours here? That was pushing it. That was a bit much; he definitely had to rein it in a little next time.
i feel like you can cut "That was pushing it" here.

He could not make his ears stop ringing on command, nor dry out the crimson tinges of his vision.
i thought this was surprising. his thoughts were definitely melancholy before this but these physical reactions seem inordinately intense.

“It’s great. I mean, it’s good for your lungs and your mood; sitting out here like this, surrounded by nature, breathing in the valley breeze — and we have no obligations for hours. We can just take it all in. This is what it’s all about, isn’t it?”

“Mhm,” said Connor.
"fresh air actually does cure depression, wouldnt you agree?" "uh yeah sure" replied the cripplingly depressed man as he took a breath of fresh air

“You might. I just sit here and do nothing.”

“Not unlike the great Johtan thinkers of old, in fairness.” Florence very subtly winked at him, in a way that seemed to require half of the muscles in her face; she leaned forward as she did so.

“I suppose.” That seemed like something of an oversimplification, but then this wasn’t Connor’s area of expertise.
give yourself some credit connor - yall are literally touching grass in this scene, you have already surpassed them

Florence watched with wide and glistening eyes — and Connor turned in that direction — as part of a combeehive emerged from the trees with the listless glee of office workers piling out for lunch break. Their vespiquen accompanied them; she carried herself in a stately manner, parting the sea of her drones as she inspected the trees and grasses that stretched throughout the meadow. She placed her arms behind her back and leaned forward, though her bulky abdomen hovered in place as her great membranous wings fluttered in the air.

“You see how it looks like she’s wearing a great big ball gown, right?” whispered Florence, whose face was by now completely lit up in awe of the creature. “It’s actually a bit more like a honeycomb structure — something of a hive in itself, where she collects the honey and the like that her drones collect in order to help feed her little ones. The big ones can fit hundreds upon hundreds of little grubs in there, actually; soon, they all become part of the bigger hive and dedicate their lives to protecting her. Gods, she’s incredible…”
this is soooo cool. i love seeing this stuff in fic

“And to think; if some people had their way, this’d all be office space,” noted Florence.
EE7032C2-1DA9-4F1E-8CF3-3284B8E5B9D6.jpg

:sadbees:, literally

Of course, people tended to rally around the bunearies and the buizels of the woods. Less so the combeehives and vespiquens, and all the chitinous things with big compound eyes like red golf balls, veiny wings, stingers and buzzing noises.
obsessed with these lines

Florence looked over at Bimp, who was still fixed on that tree. “As trainers,” she said, “we have a service to do right by ugly things.”
i really like this line too, but it feels like she's reading his mind a little bit
But Connor had just a little more to do before then. He’d take more pictures and call his mother, naturally; see how the great wind turbines at the far side of town looked at night, and walk along the riverfront to think some more.
wait oh god you're going to get zooted to the distortion world oh fuck he has airpods in CONNOR

This was a piece of heritage that nobody would ever be able to take away, no matter how hard they tried. For this, he felt a swell of pride.
is connor celestica?

The Windworks provided a great deal of renewable energy to the western half of Sinnoh. It powered Eterna and Floaroma; as the years went by, it gave more and more to Jubilife. In the next couple of years, Oreburgh was due to begin the process of moving away from the coal in the mines. Wind power was one of the sources that would compensate for it, and much of it would be provided by this little farm. Between this and the solar farms in and around Sunyshore, it seemed very feasible that most if not all of Sinnoh’s energy would come from renewable sources within the next few decades, which filled Connor with a great optimism.
i actually never thought about how much renewable energy there is in sinnoh. this is neat. i wonder how "developed" sinnoh is considered relative to other regions?

As someone whose end goal was becoming a historian, Connor almost found it funny. People often talked about and thought of history like it was a nightmare from which one could never awake; one that you were fully lucid in, yet one whose course could never be changed by almost anyone.
:okgon:

“I think he’s been kidnapped.”
OUHHHH !!!! what an ending, especially having read the previous edition
 

unrepentantAuthor

A cat that writes stories.
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  6. delphox-jesse
  7. mewtwo
  8. zeraora
Howdy, Jeff! At last, I'm paying you back for your review. I didn't have much idea what I was getting into with this, but it has a promising blurb and I've been looking forward to checking out your writing.

That said, let's begin with that tricky beast of a prologue you have there.

This one is an intriguing, moody sort of opening. An intelligence of some kind observes a human man in dire straits, until he crawls towards a Hisuian zoroark. Poetic language describes his suffering and mortal condition, there are references in narration and speech alike to a faith centred on Arceus, the person of the narration changes, the POV is unclear, it's interspersed with opaque mystery...

...and it leaves me deeply uncertain.

This prologue required a lot of concentration from me. As beautiful as some of verbiage was, the meaning was often geenuinely hard to parse, in a way that frustrated me more than it enticed. I found myself pecking and grasping at shreds of information, trying to work out anything at all: if the setting was Mount Coronet or the Reverse World; if the human man was the PLA protag, or a canon NPC, or an OC; if the viewpoint entity was Arceus, or the Unown, or a Spiritomb, or Giratina; if this was just as the man entered Hisui or after travels in Hisui; and so on. Besides the vagueness of the content, it was further obfuscated by run-on sentences, shifts in prose, esoteric wording... I genuinely don't know what the takeaway from it was meant to be, and I found myself asking if I was just dumb for not getting it. I must be meant to get it, right? It's here for me to read, so it must be important. But I simply... did not understand.

I'd also point out that on occasion, the difficulty of parsing is elevated by stuff like this:
I have heard the calls of the divine, who has revealed to me the following:
The subject of the sentence is "calls" but the "who" clearly refers to the divine, but "the divine" doesn't track as a singular entity until the "who has" hits, and then of top of that "revealed to me the following" is an esoteric word order in any case. I question the utility of the entire paragraph except to confuse the reader with Vibes, and it's run-on as hell after this bit, but I'd certainly reword this to something like, "I have heard the calls of the Divine, which have revealed the following to me:" just to make it fit in my head better.

Having said that, there are some really cool lines and visuals, particularly towards the end as the zoroark enters the scene.

Chapter one is much more standard fare, and establishes the fic as swinging towards the realism and gritty ends of the respective scales. It sets up the premise firmly, immediately, and effectively – these two friends are on a gym circuit together and badly in need of earning some money. They have a clear dynamic, with Florence musing on things and Connor being the reserved sort. There are some lovely little details, like the offhand mention of needing to afford transition, the clicker training, the way an untrained bird fights ineffectively and may form a bad habit if not trained out of it. In these moments, the chapter feels authentic, real, memorable. I like that very much, as do I like the characters and their pokémon. The vibes are good.

Some of that opaquity from the prologue does remain, however. The chapter made me work to read it at tiimes. I don't mean in drip-fed information – I like having to fill in gaps as I do for things like the mention of conscription, that's fine. I mean mostly in terms of prose – narration and dialogue – that is simply too dense and too drawn-out for me to easily parse it.

I find myself looking at a general trend of sentences being longer and more elaborate than they need to be, and a tone that remains consistently grand even when the subject matter is mundane. Many sentences were paragraph-sized and straining under an excessive number of clauses, or simply worded in an unintuitive way. Much of the chapter felt very serious, almost epic, even in scenes depicting routine training and rookie trainers enjoying a little Floaroma scenery. I'll give some examples:

These were pasts that hadn’t been and futures that were all only maybes.

This took a double-take from me to parse, even though it's really quite a simple sentiment. Connor is speculating about how things could have gone differently for him. I get it. I feel for the guy, it sucks to come that close to maybe having had the kind of success this other motherfucker got, if only, if only. "Future that were all only maybes" is just such odd phrasing, though. It didn't fit into my head at first, especially taken together with the rest of the sentence.

This sentence could have been something like, "These were imagined pasts and hypothetical futures" or, "These were maybe-lives he hadn't lived" or, "Who knew if it would have, could have happened that way?" and been more understandable at a normal reading pace.

That's not to say that this was an egregious sentence, mind! Just that the cognitive load sustained by so many sentences being just a bit sifficult to parse adds up, especially after the impenetrability of the prologue.

But it can be created, and it can be preserved; as much as it feels as though powers — powers made by people — that are greater than just us two want to stamp it out or keep it for themselves, goodness just needs to be fought for it is found, tooth-and-nail.

This is so hard to follow. ;-; I consider myself pretty smart, but I had to read this a few times. It just really needs to be more than one sentence, I think! Something like,

"But it can be created – and preserved. As much as it feels like powers — powerful people, that is — greater than the two of us want to stamp it out or keep it for themselves, goodness just needs to be fought for. It is found, by fighting tooth-and-nail."

I didn't really feel sure what "found, tooth-and-nail" was meant to mean. I feel like a lot of things in the prose are intuitive leaps for you that a newcomer like myself just won't make, perhaps?

I’m rambling a little. That’s too many words.
I'm sorry to say, but Florence may have a point!

I feel a little bad for levying such strong criticism, but I have every confidence that you will take it in stride and make use of it. In my notes I kept writing that your brain is fucking enormous, and I trust that you'll turn that brain towards refining the chapter in due time.

I also do want to stress that there's a great deal I really loved about the chapter! The trust in the reader to pick up on setting information without being exposited to at length, the excellent pokémon nicknames, the innovative and interesting ideas in the wordbuilding... As much as I stand by my concerns about the density and length of it, the musing on mental health and the outdoors was a lovely scene, and followed by a description of a vespiquen that has done more to make mee like vespiquen than any piece of pokémon media before it.

I'm glad to have finally read this, and I wish you luck and fortitude as you keep at it!
 

slamdunkrai

bing.com
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Thank you all for the comments; they were very insightful! I'll try to implement some appropriate line-by-line changes based on the feedback whenever I am able, which'll hopefully be before the end of the week. As for chapter two: I can't say when that'll be at this point, but hopefully soon-ish? Maybe still during Blitz but if not, who cares; I've rediscovered that feeling of having fun working on something just for the sake of working on it, and I would rather not rush myself just so that other people can make comments on it in order to get points. (In hindsight, going off the state of some of the prose here, that may have been a good idea with this first chapter — but I'm happier just to have it out, I think.)

In the meantime, here are some responses — again, thanks all!

I do enjoy me some league system worldbuilding, so tidbits like Connor being projected as a three-badge trainer are fascinating to me. I imagine advertisers want those predictions so they can decide who to sponsor? I'm really curious who goes around and assesses everybody and what that all ends up being used for.
That's the gist of it, I think! It's not a 1:1 comparison but my frame of reference there was high school/college sports in the US, so I was thinking you'd have scouts and the like dropping along to practices/tournaments and the like to see who seems like a promising prospect that could be given more resources or scouted out by fancier schools. That way, you'd give advertisers and the like a clear idea of which trainers seem likely to become marketable names in future.

All in all the setup here reminds me a lot of Persephone's Broken Things, which also follows a group of disadvantaged trainers trying to make a better life for themselves while having to worry about e.g. not catching more pokémon than their food budget can support. Well worth reading if you haven't already!
I really should at this point! It was on my to-do list for Blitz this year but, tbh, the month's gotten away from me already; I'll just have to try and get round to it whenever I'm free. :V

I'm also a little unclear on how the whole "being a trainer" thing ties into his goal of becoming a historian. Obviously it does allow you to travel around the region and visit different historical sites, but that doesn't seem to be Connor's primary focus. Is it a case of "need to make it big as a trainer to make money to fund history degree" or "training experience looks really good on history program applications?" If training doesn't have anything to do with what Connor wants to do later on and he's really just doing it out of obligation, that is a BIG oof...
This is something I'm interested in exploring throughout the fic, but equally something that I may have to go back and see how well I communicated here. While this certainly helps Connor in actually going around, seeing Sinnoh and getting that experience where he is able, there are elements of him doing it because he feels obliged both for his folks at home and for raising those funds himself.

I'm not sure who the dying human we saw at the beginning was... someone connected with Galactic, presumably? Not ringing any bells for canon characters that I know of. Best I can tell, he either ended up turning into an H-zoroark or is, like, psychopomp'd by one. The narrator in this section seems like they could be a spiritomb, or maybe unown. I'm curious to see how this part will end up connecting to the main fic!
Good eye! I'll leave most of this to be elaborated upon at a later point in the story, but he's not a canon character (though neither is he completely removed from canon).

hey jeeps! i apologize again for dropping the ball on betaing this—i underestimated how much i had going on fr fr, but in any event i'm sooo glad to sink my teeth into this fic again.
No worries there; always glad to hear from you whenever! :) It happens, and again, I did not do a very good job of getting this to you in a timely manner. Besides, this is a really lovely review that made my day — even in the stuff I'm not responding to here, there's a lot that you comment on that put a smile on my face. I'm really glad you feel like this is such an improvement over the last version in areas (e.g. the relationship between the two leads, the worldbuilding) that felt very important to me!
we get some absolute banger lines too—i love the cherry imagery, "wouldn't you be angry if you had a big hole in you," "when you do not define yourself, anything can define itself as part of you," the clinical descriptions of death and second death. just a really cool perspective.
Neat! Glad to hear this. I was worried I was going a little too tryhard and fake-deep with all the monologuing, so I'm delighted that this part in particular worked for you.
it seems the Oaf:tm: has been betrayed and had his memories wiped by a leader or mentor of some kind, someone whom he trusted and who roped him into some kind of campaign. then it seems like he's enthralled by the hisuian zoroark (which is beautifully described, btw).
This was my intent! Glad to hear this is also coherent. More details on this will be come eventually. :P this part was actually autobiographical and explains my whole deal
i like the idea that in an increasingly atomized and individual-focused world, the economic wellbeing of a community might come down to ritualized, capitalist-sponsored single combat by way of pokémon training... it makes a lot of sense in the context of canon wb, but you've adapted it well to a more grounded adaptation of the world that's being pushed to its limits by liberalism.
Ah, delighted in particular to hear your reading of this; a lot of ideas about this kind of thing came to mind while I was plotting out this incarnation of the fic. Obviously I have a great deal of fondness for journeyfic as a genre, but the more I think on it, the more the economics of it interest me — it probably isn't surprising that sinking my teeth into envy of eden, Making it Big and Dragon's Dance during the gestation period for this rewrite ended up shaping the direction taken by the worldbuilding and my concerns with this project.

I figured that in this world training has to be a lucrative industry, as the national sport of so many places, and I find the idea of sports as a golden ticket to a better life such a fascinating concept. Only a very small number of people make a properly lucrative career of it, and those people tend to be both incredibly skilled and lucky enough to have the resources to hone those skills/get noticed by the sort of people who can give you a way into the industry if you submit yourself. There's that other dimension that trainers (or at least, the ones who are able to survive within the system) get to go far in the world and are afforded all the status, but it's the pokémon themselves who are the athletes, the fighters in the arena. Many of them get plucked out of the wild to enter this system, which is itself fascinating to me; I'd assume there are some people (Connor and Florence among them) who think this should be a mutually beneficial thing where pokémon get trained up and raised under the eye and safety of a trainer before returning to the wild, especially when it seems prohibitively expensive and time-consuming for almost anyone to keep and train a full team of combat-ready pokémon permanently. Yet in order to afford to keep things going, you have to stick around and survive as a trainer, and in order for that you need your pokémon to co-operate; there'd be a pressure both financially and status-wise for trainers, especially those who don't have any other option for whatever reason, to try and work their pokémon as hard as they can in order to survive. It's not a system where everyone involved is inherently evil (if any such person exists); it is, however, one that may foster an environment that advantages some people over others and pokémon even moreso, as well as one where some people may find it beneficial to forgo good ethics for the sake of getting strong and sticking around.

(Obviously, this isn't an entirely original thesis statement going off the fics listed above, but it is a concept I am still fascinated by. Especially when good-hearted kids like Connor and Florence have to navigate this system or else everything will get worse not only for them but for many people, for reasons that aren't their fault. This feels like I'm rambling now. Moving on!)

i would say my one major critique of this version remains the distribution of detail—there are definitely lines and reflections that felt superfluous or repetitive, and in particular i felt like the training sequence (which describes action that's fairly snappy in real time) was somewhat protracted. there's a lot of focus on detailing specific physical actions and the mechanical routine of training that, while interesting in passing, occupy a substantial wordcount and didn't feel like they were proportionally advancing the story or developing the characters. in this part and in some of connor's introspections, i felt the length of this otherwise very engaging chapter.
Very reasonable; I was unsure about how to strike that balance going about this, and you're not the only person to point this out. The training bit in particular was something I struggled with (in part because action sequences do not seem to come all that naturally to me), where I wasn't sure how to strike the proper balance between this being such a rote part of Connor's day-to-day life and a quick, kinetic process. I don't want to get stuck in rewrite hell yet again, so I'm going to stick a pin in this one and try and work on that for future chapters. Cheers for the feedback on this front!

it may just be flying over my head, but i wasn't sure what "punctual days" meant here.
This also got flagged in Negrek's review, and is definitely a holdover from a previous draft that I remember writing as a placeholder, had sworn I'd gotten rid of but apparently hadn't.

is connor celestica?
Yup! This was a new development, but I felt sorta weird writing a story so concerned about living under the aftermath of colonialism — one that, in canon, is a parallel for the colonisation of Hokkaido/Ezo — and then keeping the protagonist, always intended to be a "normal kid", exactly the same.

I found myself pecking and grasping at shreds of information, trying to work out anything at all: if the setting was Mount Coronet or the Reverse World; if the human man was the PLA protag, or a canon NPC, or an OC; if the viewpoint entity was Arceus, or the Unown, or a Spiritomb, or Giratina; if this was just as the man entered Hisui or after travels in Hisui; and so on. Besides the vagueness of the content, it was further obfuscated by run-on sentences, shifts in prose, esoteric wording... I genuinely don't know what the takeaway from it was meant to be, and I found myself asking if I was just dumb for not getting it. I must be meant to get it, right? It's here for me to read, so it must be important.
I certainly didn't intend for you to feel dumb there! It is definitely irksome when the text you're reading makes you feel as you're missing something but you can't quite say what.

The ambiguity there was deliberate, in this case. This prologue was very much intended to convey that feeling of being between places and states of existence; I did not want anybody's identity to be clear here because it conveys an event in which the man, reeling from a violent betrayal, suffers a violent loss of his own self (and is told from the perspective of a narrator whose own self exists in a constant flux). I'm also hesitant to let other people's writing speak for mine, mind — there's a difference between writing something ambiguous and making the reader do all of your homework for you — but you may find the opening paragraph of this review on AO3 a helpful tool beyond my description. I also tried to keep this as something that could be inferred but did not want to make explicit, but of the five reviews I've gotten, three have nailed it so I figure there's no harm in saying it: yes, the narrator is a spiritomb.

The subject of the sentence is "calls" but the "who" clearly refers to the divine, but "the divine" doesn't track as a singular entity until the "who has" hits, and then of top of that "revealed to me the following" is an esoteric word order in any case. I question the utility of the entire paragraph except to confuse the reader with Vibes, and it's run-on as hell after this bit, but I'd certainly reword this to something like, "I have heard the calls of the Divine, which have revealed the following to me:" just to make it fit in my head better.
You're right about "which have" over "who has", but my intent here is also why the esoteric word order is in place: I wanted to create a register here that is distinct from the narrator's other registers (which, I hoped, would provide the reader some clue as to the nature of the narrator) that reflected the garbled voice of a preacher — concerned with calls from a higher power (that isn't present in this empty void), utterly convinced that he can convey them as they fit into his own needs, overly stilted in a way that feels a little off. Such a figure would trip over their sentence order and fail to identify the subject of their sentences, incorrectly prioritising some concept of "the divine" over its "calls". (You have a point about the capitalisation of "divine", though. Possibly also a point about just how run-on that bit gets — also, this feels like a bit of a long and nitpicky response to a point that is, tbh, very valid and reasonable.)

Some of that opaquity from the prologue does remain, however. The chapter made me work to read it at tiimes. I don't mean in drip-fed information – I like having to fill in gaps as I do for things like the mention of conscription, that's fine. I mean mostly in terms of prose – narration and dialogue – that is simply too dense and too drawn-out for me to easily parse it.

I find myself looking at a general trend of sentences being longer and more elaborate than they need to be, and a tone that remains consistently grand even when the subject matter is mundane. Many sentences were paragraph-sized and straining under an excessive number of clauses, or simply worded in an unintuitive way. Much of the chapter felt very serious, almost epic, even in scenes depicting routine training and rookie trainers enjoying a little Floaroma scenery. I'll give some examples:
Yeah, there are some places the prose could use tightening up this way; I do have a tendency towards cramming too many ideas into sentences and having them lose their focus. I do try and zap as many of these as I can when I'm looking over this with someone else — though my editing process leans a little too strongly towards last-minute revisions, which I think tend to make this problem a little worse (and doubly so when I end up going un-beta'd as I did here). If/when I get around to looking this over and making a more thorough set of edits than line-by-line ones, this is something I'll keep in mind.

(That being said, re. your point about keeping a grand tone about mundane subjects — kind of my intent? Evidently there's bits where it's conveyed in a clunky manner, mind, but I thought it would be fun to use the epic tone of a trainer's adventure to describe the minutiae of that adventure on a day where nothing much is happening.)

This took a double-take from me to parse, even though it's really quite a simple sentiment. Connor is speculating about how things could have gone differently for him. I get it. I feel for the guy, it sucks to come that close to maybe having had the kind of success this other motherfucker got, if only, if only. "Future that were all only maybes" is just such odd phrasing, though. It didn't fit into my head at first, especially taken together with the rest of the sentence.

This sentence could have been something like, "These were imagined pasts and hypothetical futures" or, "These were maybe-lives he hadn't lived" or, "Who knew if it would have, could have happened that way?" and been more understandable at a normal reading pace.
I 100% get where you're coming from here, but I don't know if I agree in this specific case either; I like the effect that "futures that were all only maybes" has. Full disclaimer, this is absolutely personal preference on my end, but all of the examples feel a little too obvious for my taste. My thought process here: "futures" puts into focus the things he is looking towards that are possible; the rest of the sentence creates a distance from those futures that invites a doubt which "maybes," at the end, capitalises upon. I like the order there. (I don't think I like the order of the other words, though. Looking back; "all" feels extraneous.)

This is so hard to follow. ;-; I consider myself pretty smart, but I had to read this a few times. It just really needs to be more than one sentence, I think!
I agree with this one, though; at the end of that sentence it does start to become very unwieldy. What does "fought for it is found, tooth-and-nail" mean? It means I got sloppy doing my final editing pass. : ^)

I also do want to stress that there's a great deal I really loved about the chapter! The trust in the reader to pick up on setting information without being exposited to at length, the excellent pokémon nicknames, the innovative and interesting ideas in the wordbuilding... As much as I stand by my concerns about the density and length of it, the musing on mental health and the outdoors was a lovely scene, and followed by a description of a vespiquen that has done more to make mee like vespiquen than any piece of pokémon media before it.

I'm glad to have finally read this, and I wish you luck and fortitude as you keep at it!
I'm glad to hear this part, at least! :) You do have some very solid points about the way I've set up the prose that I will have to consider some more, and I'm happy you found stuff to enjoy despite that.
 

zion of arcadia

too much of my own quietness is with me
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Huh. If I'd realized sooner you were rebooting Hey, Space Cadet! I would've held off on reccing it earlier in the year. Whoops. Anyway.

This was certainly quite different! We get a lot more backstory and exposition, and are introduced to Connor's travelling companion and pokémon right off the bat. I especially liked getting to meet Connor's pokémon right away, as they have some fun personalities and I clearly remember feeling blue balled last time out. Florence also helps draw him out more, making him a less internal protagonist. I do somewhat mourn those thousands of words spent introspecting in a hallway, though. :P

Well, I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself. First, we get a fairly ambiguous prologue that captures some of that dream-like quality I loved from the original. I'll come back and touch on that more in a moment.

There's a lot of world-building introduced in chapter one, which probably is why it's so beefy. A couple neat little references I only picked up on my second read-through, too, such as Florence pretending to be a soldier in conjunction with the reveal later that Connor's father was military. I particularly appreciated the nuanced details for the Pokémon League.

It definitely feels reminiscent of American sports leagues in a lot of ways, from academies to sponsors to scholarships to pay-to-play to extensive scouting networks. Cam Hendricks is such a chad name, too, haha. The whole bit about Snowpoint losing their gym reminded me a lot of teams like the Rams and the Sonics and almost the Crew being forced to move their teams to bigger markets. I wonder if this'll get into some of the darker aspects of the sporting world, such as child exploitation and coaching abuses, such as how huge clubs like Barca would often pluck children from low-income areas in, say, Africa, and if they didn't pan out those kids would essentially be set adrift.

The naturalistic nature of pokémon training worked well too. The clicker was particularly inspired; I have a friend who trained their dog in a similar manner. And Rottenhat was very funny as the big dumb birb with lowkey himbo energy. Yes, very good. More of him, please and thank you.

If I had a complaint, it's that there's a lot introduced here. One aspect of the original I appreciated was the narrow focus; it's much broader in scope here, which has the benefits re: Florence and pokémon outlined earlier, but also a ton of different sociopolitical issues are brought up, from sports analogies to environmentalism to the whole Galaxy energies stuff to a war that was important somehow and by that last one I was more than a little overwhelmed. It also didn't have quite that same David Lynch-feel as the original, which I missed. Maybe if I'd finished PLA (it's still sitting half-completed on my Switch lmao) certain aspects would make more sense, but, uh, I haven't managed that yet. Whoops.

Regardless, let's return to the prologue and break down a couple sentences I found interesting.

You should never find yourself someplace by accident.

This was a super intriguing way to start the story. It's made even more intriguing when juxtaposed with Florence's complaints that open up the first chapter--that slight reluctance over feeling like they have to do this (i.e. compete in the league). Florence also talks about the importance of choice, but between these two queries wonder whether choice matters more than chance and fate. Are they two sides of the same coin, or inextricably separate? It made me think of Tolkien, and eucatastrophe (which I think you're aware of, since you've mentioned writing on Tolkien in the past), from his letter On Fairy-Stories:

The consolation of fairy-stories, the joy of the happy ending: or more correctly of the good catastrophe, the sudden joyous “turn” (for there is no true end to any fairy-tale): this joy, which is one of the things which fairy-stories can produce supremely well, is not essentially 'escapist', nor 'fugitive'. In its fairy-tale—or otherworld—setting, it is a sudden and miraculous grace: never to be counted on to recur. It does not deny the existence of dyscatastrophe, of sorrow and failure: the possibility of these is necessary to the joy of deliverance; it denies (in the face of much evidence, if you will) universal final defeat and in so far is evangelium, giving a fleeting glimpse of Joy, Joy beyond the walls of the world, poignant as grief.

It is the mark of a good fairy-story, of the higher or more complete kind, that however wild its events, however fantastic or terrible the adventures, it can give to child or man that hears it, when the “turn” comes, a catch of the breath, a beat and lifting of the heart, near to (or indeed accompanied by) tears, as keen as that given by any form of literary art, and having a peculiar quality.

The girl running into Connor at the end is its own form of grace, when you think about it in those terms. There definitely seem to be religious undercurrents in the prologue, and it reminds me of a remark I made a long time ago, about sporting events as a secular form of worship. I wonder if we'll see more that interplay as the story progresses.

Look at him again, more closely this time. There is a hole in his core, reminiscent of a cherry donut.

My first thought was Everything Everywhere All At Once, heh. But I also found myself thinking in terms of communion, especially once they talk about "eating" the oaf. The cherry is representative of blood and the donut itself the body, or bread, that is devoured by the man's religion. Not sure if intended, but it was interesting.

No, no; we cannot eat him without reaching a consensus, and there’s too much discontent already. Have to work on unifying the self, first; once this is a single unit, maybe add another.

Doesn’t he have someone? It’s lonely to be here. How about those spheres on his belt, like little worlds—

Unifying the self sounds very Aristotle. There was a roundabout mention of Buddhism as well, I believe, so quite a few philosophical inquries already.

Also, I adore the imagery of the pokéballs as "little worlds".

One more reminder that evil has not yet won. The world we live in is made of light, and the Original One blessed us with light; the world of unmaking is a world of darkness, and its influence is poison on all good men! Return, Arceus, return at once; make me clean, burn my body and see the strength of my spirit—

More religious references. It again feels like a contrast with statements Florence will later make, with its references to corruption and an original source. I wonder if Arceus will be portrayed as separate from nature or indistinguishable from it; that tends to be one of the most important theological distinctions to make in any religion.

Elsbeth came to rest on the glove and sat more quietly than Rottenhat. Connor bristled at the idea that she was smarter — Rottenhat had a niche out in the wild that required a different set of skills, which he had in spades — but he could not deny her particular intelligence was more recognisable as human-like.

I love all the pokémon and their little interactions we get to glimpse. I'm excited to see more. This does a good job showcasing varying levels of sentience without making it feel weird, too.

“I dunno. I guess, like, there’s beauty in the world in how things relate to one another. You can’t convince me that there’s inherent good or bad in us as humans, but I don’t think there has to be, right? It’s all in the choices you make; everyone is capable of choosing kinship, peace and co-operation. Nobody chooses them all the time, and some don’t at all. But look at all this before us, the trees and the sun; look at the mountains, and all the things on them. Look at all the many great creatures in the world — like Ronnie, like Elsie, like Pont, like even Bimp; the ghost-like things that linger in dark towers, the butterfrees in the forests of Kanto, even the bringer of nightmares, the lords of space-time, the king of the sea…

“I’m at least optimistic that there’s things worth making those hard choices for. It’s hard to make them consciously, repeatedly, and with no reward — and evidently there is nothing in the soul that leads people towards a just world, otherwise all of us would live in one. But that world can be made; there are people with far more power than just us two who stamp it out or hoard it for themselves, but I think goodness just needs to be fought for tooth-and-nail wherever it appears. And I think you can find it anywhere. Or— something trite like that, anyway; I’m rambling a little. That’s too many words.

Maybe a touch on the nose, heh. Seems like a strong defining thesis for the story, though. I'm reminded of classic humanists such as Vonnegut while reading through this portion. And Florence just launching into long philosophical monologues at random is very funny to me.

Anyway, I think that's everything on my end! Thanks for sharing! Have a poem for your efforts:

Nights I couldn’t sleep
my mother sang to me
about a boy who wanted
to be flown into heaven.

Everyday, climbing up
the tower he lived in
to see the blue doves
flying by, and everyday,

climbing down, weeping
into a featherless sky.
Sometimes I think of
what it was like for him,

wingless, after the song:
his second life repeating
in the otherworld where
music waits to be sung.
 
Last edited:

Starlight Aurate

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Hello there, I am here for your Catnip Blitz Review! I normally review starting line-by-line, and will have the meat of my review at the end.

Prologue

Take it from me: good things only happen in the places you’re supposed to be
Hey, that rhymes!

For the prologue, you have quite lovely prose; I find that the writing flows very smoothly and it captivates me. I don't have a lot of line quotes because I was so caught up in the flow of it!

On that note, some of your writing reminds me of TS Eliot, particularly The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock particularly:
I have heard the calls of the divine, who has revealed to me the following:
It reminds me of the line, I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. I do not think that they will sing to me. It's a poem about a man feeling dead inside no matter what, and it just came to my mind as I was reading this.

Perhaps he wasn’t; death may have some transportative qualities, but it is not some great equaliser which places you where you are supposed to be. You just stop living and do something else.
Interesting presentation of death! But if you just top living and "do something else," what do you do? And where are you to do it?

I quite like this prologue! As I said, I thought your prose flowed beautifully. Some of it took a second read to fully understand--the bit about "the white beast" confused me, and I'm still not sure why it was there, unless it directly killed the man.

In general, I'm very interested in and fascinated with stories that talk of some sort of higher power or deal with existentialism. So the mention of the Original One caught my eye! It sounds similar to how people view God in the world, of how Arceus blessed them with light and the narrator is asking him to make him clean. I wonder if there's an organized religion built around Arceus, and if there are priests and the like.

And it seems that the prisoner dies at the end! It's sad, and he really did seem like quite the pitiable figure. I know the narrator says that after death, you just do something else, I hope he finds peace. I find it ironic that the narrator said he experienced peace after the death of the man, when in a lot of cultures, we think of peace coming after death, not coming when another person dies! So far, I have very little idea of what this story is about or where it's going to go--so perhaps this prologue is one that will make more sense once the story is complete.

Chapter I

“Mrrrk?” squeaked Ronnie.
I totally read this as "Ronkie" at first XD

Connor was eternally grateful for his company regardless.

“What say we try and do our best regardless?”
Just a nitpick, but having two sentences end in "regardless" right after each other makes it feel a bit repetitive.

Connor was already quite small (five-foot-four, last time he’d checked)
Still taller than I am ;_;

When the day eventually came to release him back in the wild, hopefully after a long and fruitful journey together, he’d be the envy of his flock.
Interesting that Connor wants to release him into the wild one day! I wonder why, and what his philosophy about it is?

each ball arced in the air like an eephus before bouncing off.
Ooh, I learned a new word! Eephus!

Connor's care for his Pokemon and worrying about potentially pushing them too hard is so sweet!

I think your structure and reasoning for the tiers in the Sinnoh Gym Leader challenge are really interesting! So some trainers go into it only expecting to earn a few badges, and very few start the challenge with the expectation/hope that they'll make it all the way?

I also noticed where you introduced the socio-politics about trainers from disadvantaged backgrounds being given scholarships to start their Pokemon journey. It's neat (if sad, since there are people arguing against it) and a creative concept to introduce here. I wonder what these scholarships look like, though--is it a set of Pokemon given to the new trainer? Money for trainer supplies? Clothing and equipment for living on the road?

A Dustox given the name Bimpton III--so cute! Is she 'III' because it sounds more regal and fun than just "Bimpton"? It definitely shows a bit of Florence's character in giving her that name, at least!

even the bringer of nightmares, the lords of space-time, the king of the sea…
Ooh, I wonder what she's referring to when she mentions these? Are Dialga and Palkia widely-known in Sinnoh, or at least myths that everyone has heard of?

and evidently there is nothing in the soul that leads people towards a just world, otherwise all of us would live in one.
Ah, but you DO believe in souls!

So there's a fiasco between scientists of different regions! I wonder, could the Galaxy Energy Corps be connected to Team Galactic? :eyes:

And it ends on a cliffhanger! Who is this little girl, who is her father, who kidnapped him and why was he kidnapped? Especially with it all happening where the Drifloon and Drifblim live at night, it's a spooky setup for sure! I also wonder why Connor almost blacked out at the end--is it really an iron deficiency or is something more sinister going on?

Overall, I enjoyed this! Connor has a charming personality, and I REALLY like how much care and attention he shows his Pokemon. It's very tender! It shows how compassionate he is and that he doesn't view his Pokemon as tools, but as companions, if not friends. Florence is also cute, what with her teasing Connor about various things. And I like that you can see bits of personality in Rottenhat, Ronnie, and Elsbeth, too! They definitely are very fitting for their respective trainers.

Writing-wise, this chapter is quite long. The length wasn't terribly bad, since I get so caught up in your prose and I think the writing flows pretty smoothly. But there are a lot of info dumps, such as the structure of the Sinnoh League, the deal with renewable energy and conflict it creates with Galar and Kantoh, the issue of trainers from disadvantaged backgrounds trying to make it through, and Connor's history with Cam. It provides great worldbuilding, for sure, but I also think that many of these can be told gradually throughout the story as it progresses, and not all just unleashed in the first chapter. There are also ways that you can show it within the story as opposed to having the narration say it all.

But, as others said, this is a good start! I thought it was very enjoyable. Team Galactic is one of my favorite evil teams--in fact, the first fic I ever started writing centered around them! I'm excited to see where you take this fic and what it all contains. Thanks for sharing!
 

slamdunkrai

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Got sidetracked for a bit there in responding to these most recent reviews — thanks for them, by the way! It's been a busy year on my end and I've been torn away from fic stuff, but I'm in a position where I think I should have more stuff ready to go very soon indeed (and, touch wood, more regularly than I have been doing). Still hoping to have this arc of the story mostly done by the end of the year, and I do plan on touching up chapter one a bit more at some point, but we'll see what happens. In the meantime, some responses:

The whole bit about Snowpoint losing their gym reminded me a lot of teams like the Rams and the Sonics and almost the Crew being forced to move their teams to bigger markets. I wonder if this'll get into some of the darker aspects of the sporting world, such as child exploitation and coaching abuses, such as how huge clubs like Barca would often pluck children from low-income areas in, say, Africa, and if they didn't pan out those kids would essentially be set adrift.
Long answer incoming: I have an odd explanation for how this ended up here — while plotting this I had the Dorktown documentary series on the Seattle Mariners on fairly heavy rotation. (If you haven't already seen it, it's a fantastic documentary; among other things it got me into baseball, something I'm still very upset about.) I hadn't even really registered it but I suppose one of the parts that most resonated with me about it was the section on their 1995 season and the ALDS matchup against the Yankees, played against the backdrop of uncertainty about the team's future. The stakes there are obviously not that high in the grand scheme of things: the city of Seattle would be fine in the grand scheme of things if the Mariners had moved away, just as the relocation of the Sonics hardly led to any sort of economic disaster, and just as the livelihoods of most Oaklanders won't seriously be affected by the loss of the Raiders, the Warriors and inevitably the A's. At the same time, there is something of a cultural tragedy in the ways that sports teams have ended up so disconnected from the communities that hold them dear and, in a more just world, would have far more say in their local role and their preservation than they currently do. Nothing much is really won when billionaires hold their teams hostage to successfully negotiate public financing to build new stadiums and gentrify their local areas at the burden of the taxpayer and the cost of other, more necessary community resources. It's just that much more is lost when they move away to chase profit.

You've also got at another thing I'm interested in here: you can't really consider the current state of most sports without looking at the exploitation they're built on in large part. I'll admit I'm basing the rookie circuit here more on college athletics than anything else, although it's obviously not a one-to-one thing and nor is it exclusive to the NCAA (hell, staying with baseball for a moment, you need only look at what's gone on in the minor leagues over the last few years), but you get a lot of people who spend their time in these cut-throat competitive environments honing their craft and putting their bodies on the line for the exceedingly slim chance that they'll succeed well enough to go pro at it — and large portions of them are living on wages that are barely adequate while the enterprises that need them to survive churn huge profits. If they do go pro, it's still not guaranteed that they'll be able to make a solid career out of it; in team sports, under the draft system, they barely get a say in where they go and if they're not a flashy name there's very little keeping them in the league except for the need for bodies. It's a system that depends on the desperation of its athletes, especially the ones who come from underprivileged areas to begin with, and it breeds new desperation in turn; it's a strange cycle. (Staying with baseball again, the situation is made starker still when you look at MLB's international free agent system and the way it funnels underpriced labour from Latin American countries who have been forced under the imperial shadow of the U.S. — or indeed, the relationship between European football and Africa! It's all a very knotty situation, written on in greater depth by many writers more knowledgeable than myself and in more relevant locations than a review response for a piece of Pokémon fanfiction.)

Anyway, applying all this here, things are further complicated by the fact that the athletes here are less the trainers and more the pokémon themselves. It's still one of those trades that still requires a lot of resources and learning, and a lot of it lies in the chemistry built up between a trainer and their team in practice, so the metaphor here exists in a bit of a precarious spot. My aim here is to try and show a lot of the dynamics that I've touched on here in play, in addition to the way that this system is one that could very easily breed the sort of exploitation and abuse you're talking about for the sake of success; it's a situation that these two well-meaning and desperate kids who are somewhat disillusioned about the whole thing grapple with and will continue to grapple with, because those are the circumstances they've been put in.

I especially liked getting to meet Connor's pokémon right away, as they have some fun personalities and I clearly remember feeling blue balled last time out. Florence also helps draw him out more, making him a less internal protagonist. I do somewhat mourn those thousands of words spent introspecting in a hallway, though. :P
Hey, I didn't say I'd be getting rid of those entirely... maybe in a different chapter. :P

The clicker was particularly inspired; I have a friend who trained their dog in a similar manner. And Rottenhat was very funny as the big dumb birb with lowkey himbo energy. Yes, very good. More of him, please and thank you.
Clicker training is such an endearing little thing that I'm surprised more people don't integrate into their stories. Like, it's a pretty widespread thing in working with all sorts of animals... I just think it's neat!

If I had a complaint, it's that there's a lot introduced here. One aspect of the original I appreciated was the narrow focus; it's much broader in scope here, which has the benefits re: Florence and pokémon outlined earlier, but also a ton of different sociopolitical issues are brought up, from sports analogies to environmentalism to the whole Galaxy energies stuff to a war that was important somehow and by that last one I was more than a little overwhelmed. It also didn't have quite that same David Lynch-feel as the original, which I missed. Maybe if I'd finished PLA (it's still sitting half-completed on my Switch lmao) certain aspects would make more sense, but, uh, I haven't managed that yet. Whoops.
Totally fair, lol; the more I've sat with it, the more I do think the chapter might need a tiny bit of tidying up on that front. My approach here is that there's a lot of worldbuilding here that will become very plot-relevant in time — these are characters whose arcs are very much defined by the materiality of the world they're in with all the scruples that entails — but it's a tight line to walk; you have to try and put it all in there without completely destabilising the pacing. I think I may need to neaten up the shape that it's in at some point. (Don't worry, you will be getting more wacky fun totally-not-black-lodge times soon.)

It again feels like a contrast with statements Florence will later make, with its references to corruption and an original source. I wonder if Arceus will be portrayed as separate from nature or indistinguishable from it; that tends to be one of the most important theological distinctions to make in any religion.
Good catch! I've been reading up on my Spinoza since this chapter went up and his work pretty neatly pertains to questions like this, so this may become relevant later.

Maybe a touch on the nose, heh. Seems like a strong defining thesis for the story, though. I'm reminded of classic humanists such as Vonnegut while reading through this portion. And Florence just launching into long philosophical monologues at random is very funny to me.
You know how 18 year olds are, always going on big long tangents about how they've figured out the world. :P

It reminds me of the line, I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. I do not think that they will sing to me. It's a poem about a man feeling dead inside no matter what, and it just came to my mind as I was reading this.
It's a damn good poem! Like, I have a good few beefs with Eliot, but I can't deny he went off with that one — I read it a few years ago for my degree course and I like going back to it every so often. One of the great works about how the finitude of time and how it'll irreversibly pass whether you want it to or not, whether you feel a part of it or not, and the existential terror that comes when you examine the fullness of your self in the midst of all this.

Interesting presentation of death! But if you just top living and "do something else," what do you do? And where are you to do it?
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Some of it took a second read to fully understand--the bit about "the white beast" confused me, and I'm still not sure why it was there, unless it directly killed the man.
One of those things that will become plot-relevant later and that I also could have explained more clearly in-story, haha. You're kinda right; it doesn't have a strong opinion of him, is actively taking glee in his situation, and is feeding off his misfortune as it drags him to the "next world".

Just a nitpick, but having two sentences end in "regardless" right after each other makes it feel a bit repetitive.
Not a nitpick at all, I do get pretty sloppy with my sentences sometimes and miss stuff like this. Cheers for pointing it out!

I think your structure and reasoning for the tiers in the Sinnoh Gym Leader challenge are really interesting! So some trainers go into it only expecting to earn a few badges, and very few start the challenge with the expectation/hope that they'll make it all the way?
Essentially, yeah; it's like a college basketball season mixed with camping, I think. The official rookie circuit is a fairly exclusive thing whose participants mostly do it as an extracurricular activity or a character-building thing to get some clout, work with their pokémon, and experience the world. It can be very lucrative, which I think is part of the draw, but only a very slim handful of people do enough with it to be able to turn it into a proper full-time thing for more than a year or two. (Of course, as our protagonists view things, their prospects of making it big out here are the best option they have to make it out of their current situations.)

Is she 'III' because it sounds more regal and fun than just "Bimpton"? It definitely shows a bit of Florence's character in giving her that name, at least!
Haha, I do love to write characters who are incredibly goofy when it comes to giving out names. If you're an animal I think it's a sign that somebody really cares about you if they give you a name or a nickname that really stands out, personally; there's gotta be people knocking out in the world with cats named, like, "Website" or something. I condone this wholeheartedly.

Are Dialga and Palkia widely-known in Sinnoh, or at least myths that everyone has heard of?
Pretty much, yeah; a lot of the canon material seems to present Sinnoh as a place where myths and spirituality have been ideologically significant in making the region the way that it is. I don't know that everyone regards these ideas with an equal amount of reverence, of course, and that's one of the things I want to get into with this project, but broadly speaking I think they're a crucial enough part of the fabric of the world that you can't really look at the region without examining this. (I say "you" here in the general sense and in regards to the fic only, of course! I am playing loose with my own interpretation of the source material to make something that explores a set of ideas I'm interested in.)

It provides great worldbuilding, for sure, but I also think that many of these can be told gradually throughout the story as it progresses, and not all just unleashed in the first chapter. There are also ways that you can show it within the story as opposed to having the narration say it all.
Not a bad call at all — there are a few places that, in hindsight, I think I failed to toe the line of signalling plot-relevant pieces of worldbuilding while also making this an evenly-paced opening that isn't more exhausting to read than it needs to be. Probably gonna tidy it up a bit at some point or another.

Team Galactic is one of my favorite evil teams--in fact, the first fic I ever started writing centered around them! I'm excited to see where you take this fic and what it all contains. Thanks for sharing!
No problem, glad you enjoyed! :> I'm glad there are others who think their whole deal is just as fascinating as I do.
 
Chapter Two

slamdunkrai

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- This one's under construction for the time being, I think; I'm not 100% sure about the ending as it fits into the structure of the story wrt future chapters and I worry it gets lost in itself a bit. Do still review it if you want, though; I'm not the review police. :V

- Special thanks to SparklingEspeon and canisaries for providing a second pair of eyes on earlier versions of this chapter.



2.



“Can you tell me your name?”

“Olivia,” said the girl, “b-but my friends call me Olive—”

“Olive, I’ll do everything I can to help find him. Where did you last see him?”

Olive paused with her feet planted on the spot. She looked up, wiping the tears from her eyes and sniffling, while Connor knelt down to meet her. As a trainer, he felt his responsibility was first and foremost to those in need of assistance that they could not otherwise acquire; Olive, standing before him, was a scared kid with a missing father and no pokémon of her own.

“Daddy said he would be home for dinner, because he went to work, but we had dinner at seven o’clock and he still wasn’t home, a-and mummy said he was supposed to be home by now a-and she was crying—”

“H-hey, hey, it’s alright. Please don’t worry about it.” Connor barely even registered his thoughts before they coalesced into speech; he approached this on instinct, trusting himself to do the right thing while everything seemed to speed up in its orbit around the sun. He could not afford to overthink this, either, although he still needed to retain some control—

Snap out of it. “Where does he work?”

Olive raised the arm of her drooping pink cardigan, which was at least one size too big for her, and pointed over in the direction of the giant complex down the road.

The Windworks felt much closer than it had before, its shadow looming diagonal over Connor like the shadow of an arm; the brutalist obelisk of twisting concrete and metal stood with its legion of turbines, great feats of engineering that imposed themselves upon him with their vast scale and number until he found it impossible to imagine anything else.

No heed could be paid to these concerns. He focused his attention solely on Olive, who needed to be happy. This was his job: ensuring all the figures were correct in the broad calculus of her life.

He recalled a half-smile from some place in his mind, then rested a hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eye. She closed her mouth; her breath caught in her throat and stopped before it became a full-fledged idea.

“Olive, uh, I’ll go to the Windworks and I’ll ask around f-for, for your dad; I’m sure they’ll know where he is, and once I’ve found out, I’ll go fetch him — he won’t have gone far, because he works for very important people in a very important place, and they look after him, in there. Does that, uh, does that sound good?”

Olive nodded, although her frown remained etched on her face. Anyone forced to grow up in a family eventually realised that their childhood happiness often stemmed from the illusion of having benevolent, invincible parents; unpacking that idea informed a natural part of any well-adjusted person’s development. This process was often provoked by significant, inevitable life events; Connor frequently told himself that almost every child buries their parents sooner or later. He’d just become acquainted with that fact at a younger age than most.

But Olive’s circumstances were different. Her ability to live as a normal kid, unburdened by absence, had entered a state of sudden, potentially traumatic uncertainty.

“Look, um, d-do you want to pet my friend Ronnie? He’s right here, and he’s very friendly; I usually find that, uh, when I’m feeling scared, he wants to look after me until I’m feeling better, isn’t that right, buddy?”

Ronnie looked up at him on cue, and then for a moment looked right beyond him and froze, before his attention was seized by Olive running her palm, slowly and horizontally, across the top of his steely carapace. Maybe he’d seen something, Connor thought without turning around to verify it. Ronnie’s urge to hesitate lingered in his actions even as he nuzzled into Olive’s hands and trilled, satisfied, which brought her a smile. Clarity flickered on her face.

But Connor remained unclear as to the nature of the force bearing down on him like an anchor. He needed to keep everyone’s morale high. Once Olive was satisfied, he’d be able to think straight again. Everything would impose itself upon him to a lesser extent.

All he had to do was find and rescue Olive’s dad. This would be fine; after all, he trained pokémon.

“Now, Olive; I’m sure your ma’s worried about y—”

There was nobody in front of him or Ronnie, who blinked hard and then surveyed the area. Olive had gone. In Connor’s hand there was a keycard for the Windworks that he couldn’t remember picking up.

By the time Connor registered this, he was halfway to the door and half out of breath. He decided he didn’t mind this, because it was important to move quickly. Maybe once he was inside he could ask around for the owner of the keycard, saying he’d picked this up somewhere and just wanted to return it, oh, and by the way, do you know if Olive’s dad’s still here? It’d go down smoothly like that.

Up in the sky, a drifloon danced slowly in the wind and swayed its appendages about, to and fro, with a nonchalance that disturbed Connor. The little ghost was so far above these human affairs; all this must have seemed so frivolous, so insignificant, which both amused him and inspired in his core a touch of envy. Then again, at least somebody didn’t need to care.

The drifloon looked down into him, making eye contact. There was no reflection in those little blots, as if they’d been drawn on. There was nothing around Connor beyond the Windworks and the cold, empty night; he wasn’t even sure what ground he had to stand on.

While approaching the windows, he found himself overwhelmed all of a sudden by the feeling that there really was nothing around him. It troubled him most that he failed to imagine anything that could fill the gap; it felt very possible that this emptiness was his own fault, that it would consume the whole world and destroy everything simply because he had nothing to offer.

The dimensions of the window shifted to contain the vast nothingness inside, which prevaricated on many forms and felt satisfied with none of them. Tendrils crept across the threshold like streaks of smoke from down a hall, signifying a less breathable air. Each little digit of darkness seemed to beckon him inwards, inviting him to read something into the empty space of its body.

At his side, Ronnie chittered and made a sound like forks running across each other, and Connor almost jumped out of his skin. The aron dug his forelimbs into the sodden grass and made deep iron clawmarks. An uncharacteristic and troubling resoluteness filled his eyes — it wasn’t quite hatred, by any stretch, but it was less kind than his usual demeanour.

“How are you feeling about this?” muttered Connor. “We can just take a look inside, see if anyone’s there, and then call someone; we don’t have to go in properly if you’re worried about it.”

Ronnie remained fixed on him while considering the question. He answered, if Connor interpreted the situation correctly, by marching from the window over to the door, and so Connor followed suit.

“Only if you’re comfortable; let me know if you want to bail—”

While walking away from the window, Connor caught a glimpse of himself in it. There he was: a mass of hair with eyes and a body, none of which coalesced into anything with a clear purpose or discernible form. This encounter stopped him in his tracks.

There had to be a reason as to why he’d come here; he looked at the keycard in his hand and tried to discern the name embossed upon it, but he found himself unable to conceptualise anything about it. It was used to open doors, at least.

A hand made of shadow reached out from the window, replicating his own exactly in shape and size, and it tried to touch him. He instinctively recoiled — something was amiss. He realised soon enough that he felt as though he wasn’t really there, and so nothing could reach out to him because he couldn’t be perceived. The hand immediately vanished.

He looked at the knife in his hand and ran it through the door in an effort to open it; his efforts were in vain, because knives opened things that were not doors. He tried to open the door with the keycard after attempting to give it a name — he couldn’t think of one. He gave up. The door did not open. He panicked. There was no way he could get into the Windworks, no way he could save Olive’s dad, and the world around him remained empty because of his presence.

Before he could run, an arm constricted his shoulder tightly, its pale hand protruding from drooping red garments; each finger was as white and jagged as the bone beneath the skin. The hand tapped Connor’s shoulder, forcing him to turn around and look upon the face of a cowboy. “Let me tell you something, friendo,” said the cowboy — he had features that were somehow so unremarkable that, despite his best efforts, Connor forgot them while he was looking at them; he could never tell if he’d worn that expression just a second ago. “You’ve gotta look inwards before you can look outwards.”

“Do I know you?” asked Connor.

“No, but let me tell you something, friendo. You’ve gotta look inwards before you can look outwards.”

“Wh—” said Connor, before he looked at the door. He’d obviously made some kind of mistake somewhere along the way; by going in and completing his quest, maybe he could glean some insight as to where exactly he’d gone wrong. “Where’s Olive’s dad? Do you know what happened to him?”

The cowboy paused with a totally blank expression. “You’ve looked inwards, and now you can look outwards. Try and open the door again.”

Connor walked away and put his keycard against the door — no, that wasn’t right; he looked in his hand and it was the knife. The door opened. Connor turned around and saw the cowboy smile; his attention then fell on the large gaping wound beneath the cowboy’s right shoulder, which had gone red and oozed with liquid.

“It’s like a donut,” said the cowboy, “don’t worry about it; there ain’t nothing inside me. I’ll be alright.”

That wound hadn’t been there before Connor looked at it, he was pretty sure; he gasped and ran his hands over his slack, open mouth. This was his fault. “A-are you okay?” he said. “Look, I-I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Uh, I’ll call you an ambulance; what’s… your name?”

“You want my name?” said the cowboy, slowly and deliberately. He oscillated between red-hot fury and abject despair without ever committing to either, instead waiting for another terrible clarity to set in. Once it arrived, his eyes almost popped out of his skull and he ran his hands down his face to suppress his screams. “You asshole! Are you out of your mind? Why would you… no no no no no, I’m not—”

The cowboy keeled over and then vanished into thin air while Connor stood half inside the building; while shaking, he clutched one hand demurely to his chest and looked around for any witnesses to absolve him of his guilt or at least confirm that this had really happened. There were no such witnesses.

There was only Ronnie, who still looked at him with that uninterrupted resoluteness. All that mattered was that his trainer was by his side; the cowboy incident hadn’t affected him at all. He didn’t even register it.

That was all in the past now, though, and he told himself it wasn’t worth worrying about. He had no control over how those events had transpired; as a trainer, it was his job to recognise the forces in his control and act on them while discarding anything else.

The corridor in front of him was a vast gullet far too great in scale to chart a thorough course; almost all of the space within lay unseen, concealed behind thick, shifting shadows, as though it was some great, terrible truth taking the form of empty space.

Connor took a deep breath and tried to forget all about the cowboy; there was another missing person he needed to save. He held the keycard in his hand for self-defence and advanced with Ronnie by his side—

The door slammed shut behind Connor without his consent. He knew a threshold had been crossed. There was no-one around.

The corridor felt more like a cavernous pit in some derelict mine near Oreburgh, leading to the heart of the world where all of the resources once worth plundering had now been exhausted. There were no more excavations in this pit beyond those of spirits, removed from bodies and form but still alive in some sense — if living came about through being perceived in the world, or through impacting it via presence or absence.

Connor failed to perceive anything except his own failure to perceive it; he was aware of the unseen, unheard gallery lining the corridor, their hard stares burrowing beneath his skin, but he knew that if pressed he could not present this as proof of their existence to others. Really, there was no tangible evidence of anything at all burrowing into him; there was no physical link binding himself to the past except for these dislocated stares, urging him to recreate some half-memory that wasn’t even his. The future lay stretched out in the netherworld before him, its routes all leading inevitably to catastrophic failure — there was nothing he could wield beyond his own interpretation of events, and he understood these events through their role in leading him into a position he was not comfortable with, both in his own life and in his immediate surroundings. This position was predicated on what would soon happen more than any specific quality of his place in the world — in fact, on consideration, the future and the past intermingled with each other all around him, interfacing upon him to shape his view of the world to such an extent that Connor couldn’t ever hope to get a sense for the present in which he was ostensibly living.

Out of nowhere, Ronnie froze in his tracks and stared up into the boundless shadows. The aron hesitated before screeching and scattering into the distance, having seen something that Connor couldn’t; turning around, he saw nothing except the empty space in the void. This couldn’t be allowed to happen. There was no saying what dangers lay in here. Ronnie could not come into harm; Connor owed him too much. He took off and ran after Ronnie, calling his name at the top of his lungs; he was met with echoes and nothing else.

For some reason, this felt inevitable; it was intuitively true that Ronnie would come to his senses and leave him eventually, even if this was hardly the most opportune place for such an act. His own dispassion felt just as inevitable. Glancing around, he saw himself just standing there despite his need to remain in motion, to keep running and seek out his dear friend; obviously, he didn’t care enough, and so he was doomed to fail forever.

The keycard rested between his fingers. He saw his reflection distorted in its glossy sheen, with his skin and eyes stretched into thin, straight waves. Raising it up for closer inspection as if to confirm its contents, he swore an eye lay fixed on him; there was another here, a thing not unlike himself, validating his presence through its mere presence in the vicinity. Connor didn’t know why he didn’t like that.

A head peered from over his shoulder. He turned around.

Still nothing.

Maybe his life wasn’t his own anymore, he thought. He couldn’t name an area of it that he knew he controlled; each room of his inner house had at some point been occupied by uninvited guests who arbitrarily moved the walls and seemed indecisive on the number of windows. If being alive consisted largely of presenting oneself to the world in the manner of one’s choosing, and if life was an exercise in controlling the self as such, Connor wasn’t really sure he met that criteria any more than the unseen ghosts dictating his every movement.

Nonetheless, although he had no formal guidance in how to act and no clear route out of here, he had to do something soon; nothing would change otherwise, and it would only get harder. The passage of time only accelerated the separation of all things.

So Connor kept walking for an indeterminate length of time, hoping for some purpose to reveal itself. He occasionally glimpsed himself outside his body, which reminded him that he had to find somebody; there were things beyond him, after all. Maybe it was Ronnie — he called out for Ronnie again, although it felt as though the name emerged from his mouth as a series of disparate phonemes divorced from a subject. Still, he wasn’t anything when he didn’t know what exactly he needed to find.

Maybe it lay in his memory; there was nothing around him except for that which he could conceive. He tried to remember anything at all, anything that proved he had an inner life, and suddenly he found himself in a cold, vast expanse drowned in snow, with no company except white-tipped fir trees.

Nature was supposed to hold many secrets, so he tried to walk onwards through it; these plains were unsullied, a little too perfect to be correct in their representation of his past. With each step forward, a blizzard pelted Connor, although he shielded himself with his thick coat and took every wound as it came. These blizzards fell upon northern Sinnoh in winter as negotiable as the sheen of a white guillotine; endless retreat through these landscapes would kill anyone eventually, in days at the absolute most. The ground crunched beneath his feet. He felt his ankles half-twist with each footfall, plunging several inches to reach cold, hard ground.

He had to move anyway. This was how the cold crept up on people: they dropped their guards and decided to rest.

Traversing this landscape proved merely agonising instead of impossible as it should have been. The sheer cold bit at his skin and left scars wherever it touched, rendering his fingers unusable. This frustrated Connor less than the hollowness of it all: there had to be some reason why he’d remembered this, some significance behind these familiar signs. He tried to remember encounters with all the things before him — the falling snow and the frozen lake and the moonless, sunless, starless, cloudless sky — and came up empty, only having moved deeper into the expanse and further from escape.

In the clean metal blade of the hunting knife that now lay in his hand — he’d obviously gotten it out at some point, or more likely, he’d been holding it this whole time without noticing; his knuckles whitened around its handle — he caught his reflection again and felt, once more, that eye reading him. Prey animals came to know this same feeling when they stared into water that rippled in the wrong way.

No instinct dictated his inaction. He failed to move. He hoped that, when he turned around, it was just nothing. Nothing except the cowboy, maybe.

What he instead saw first appeared to be a mass of oozing appendages, snaking outwards and cloaked in the same fabric that filled up empty spaces in the asteroid belt. At the end of each lay extremities that were almost hands with no discernible amount of fingers. The range traversed by these limbs made their number impossible to count, and they infected all things for miles; every item touched by these vines seemed to affirm its own existence by accelerating to its natural end state, dissipating into the cold building blocks of matter. The obelisk from which these tendrils originated advanced forward in silence, threatening to reveal its true form; each time a limb hit the ground, a minor earthquake occurred.

It never quite settled on a true form, or at least not one that was entirely visible; it was almost a white equine figure with a mighty golden ring, except it never quite committed to the idea. It only thrashed in place while its skin peeled away into characters from all kinds of scripts — ones that were written every day and ones that now only lived on the earliest fragments of written poetry known to him. This cavalcade of alphanumeric information was too disordered to ever reveal anything to Connor, who felt ashamed about losing so much with his scared, stupid eyes.

The planet ceased to turn, prolonging this impasse. Soon, all that was could be seen before him.

For all this, for the end of things coming to pass at all, Connor found himself too horrified to stand when he thought for as long as he was capable of thinking about anything — which was maybe a few seconds — and found he had nothing worth saying at all. He screamed wordlessly on his hands and knees in the vain that it would have some sort of effect; he tried to bite the skin on his hand so hard it’d bleed, and he tried to hit his head against the ground with enough force to do something but soon found himself subdued by forces beyond perception.

But at the end of the day, he was still locked in himself.

“Who are you?” he finally whimpered, too ashamed to look up. He had no real desire to know the answer to this question; he only asked because he had to say something. “A-am I looking for you?”

There was no answer. The beast before him continued to thrash in place, roaring and screaming as if rabid, and by extension as though everything that it touched had become infected too; all of it seemed to glitch in and out of place.

Connor failed to hear its cries. “O-oh, right… I just have to look inwards,” he said, “b-before I can look outwards.”

Reaching out, he saw the keycard in his hand and swiped it against the door that had appeared before him. He caught his pallid, meagre reflection in the metal blade of the hunting knife in his hand, and it no longer looked like him; it all just seemed drowned in shadow, a piercing eye shattering the veil. Maybe this wasn’t him. Maybe he’d had no control over his actions at all; maybe he was a host to some parasite, and nothing more.

He found this idea so upsetting that he curled up and attempted to stab the thing living inside him. The thin membrane opened as he touched it with his keycard, and he fell into a vacuum devoid of familiarity and incapable of ever sustaining organic life — a sterile waiting room located nowhere at all.

This time he knelt in the exact same way towards a different beast, one whose nature and form inspired a similar dread within him but for entirely different reasons. Ambiguity had not been among the boons imbued to this one; the land, sea and sky all shifted between states as though wholly unbound and potent like plasma, but there was an unmistakable rigidity — or maybe a concreteness of the flesh — that defined the bipedal animal standing over him. The creature’s pallid skin looked like unpainted marble covering the tremendous musculature of its digitigrade legs, which led into a slender torso and arms shaped not unlike a human body except for the purple sigmoid tail. The creature did not seem to require much in the way of body fat reserves, given its tremendous might and faultless balance; nevertheless, a clear gauntness underscored the stare of those wide feline eyes.

All of this mattered far less than the way the particles danced with malice in the air, threatening to strike him from all angles. The air crackled around the creature’s raised, clawed hand. Blood moved between his ears like protons in an accelerator. Connor tried to make the snow fall just to feel contact on his skin, but he had no luck; there was no longer a cold worth remembering.

He found himself fixated on the chained collar around that neck. He was physically forbidden from looking at it for any time at all before his chin tucked itself back into his neck without his prompting; he couldn’t stand to look or stand at all.

“A-and who,” he said, “a-are y—”

“I,” said the creature, whose muzzle remained static, “am not me. I am deceit. The echo of another; the shadow of the candle flickering on the wall but not the flame itself. In time, I will come for you all. Look upon yourself. Do you see that you were made in a paltry image? That all your failures and all your weaknesses derive from your inability to accept that you could be more than you are?”

Connor looked down at the ground, where there was now a mirror that warped and distorted the entire world; he finally reflected in this glass without the presence of another, but he found that he couldn’t make out his own features. He could well have been the cowboy, for all it mattered.

He looked at his keycard and his knife, neither of which had a name on them and neither of which could really open doors. He did nothing.

White-hot light seared through the empty space around him. In the absence of his person, Connor found himself drawn like a moth to a floating sphere the size of a globe; it balanced between the arms of the creature, who snarled and twitched at him with bared canines.

The radiant sphere turned on its axis and expanded outwards, engulfing everything else with its burning heat until Connor himself felt his skin scorch and his body heat up as if his blood boiled, leaving him unable to open his eyes or look around. Everything felt like plasma or primordial soup, coalescing and dissipating over and over again in the blank spaces of his vision; absence took the place of everything else that he could conceive, as though this emptiness was somehow innate to any experience of the world. There was just an expanding star and three lights orbiting it: one gold, one blue, one pink — each resonating with a different part of him, his mind, gut, and heart.

Connor couldn’t tell where he stood in relation to it, or to any other person, if there were even other people at all. He couldn’t take it anymore — the heat and the crushing nothingness; devoid of any words, he instead just screamed and didn’t stop, rising into the air like a balloon until he started to burn up.

“But isn’t this what you’ve always wanted?” asked the creature. “The natural fate of any young man?”

There was screaming and more screaming, both in him and beyond him; it rose in pitch and volume until all that had ever been became unified in a piercing whistle. An eye fell upon him again, somehow hidden in the pool of white hot light; its dilating pupil and ocean-coloured iris inspected him, inscrutably discerning as the judgement warranted by his actions. Even his own shadow abandoned him in the process. This was the worst part of being seen, he thought. The absence at the core of his person could not be excused, nor could he hide it, because there was another person around and he could do nothing about it. As much as he loathed this — the eye and the sense of being watched, being understood, all while shadows excavated his inner world and controlled him while he receded further and further; that strange intimacy in one sense, the uncrossable distance in another — he just had to let this happen.

Afterwards, there was nothing.

The creature pressed its weight onto his back with one foot, just to show that he was beneath it, and then it disappeared. He looked up and found himself on a desolate, snowy path that ran alongside a vast chasm.

He found himself walking again. The path went by a set of doors which all promised some greater understanding; his keycard opened none of them, and glancing upon it, he saw that the knife belonged to the Valley Windworks. This meant something to him, though he tried to recall it and failed. All that mattered was the destination, which seemed somehow linked to an indiscernible past.

There was a cowboy standing off in the distance behind him, watching and waving with a blank expression; there were people in the trees, applauding him for reasons he couldn’t discern. A note in his hand informed him that he needed to find something or someone, and he knew this was true; he’d lost track of whatever that meant, though.

While traversing this path, a drifloon danced slowly in the wind and swayed its appendages about, to and fro, with a nonchalance that disturbed Connor. The little ghost was so far above these human affairs; all this must have seemed so frivolous, so insignificant, which both amused him and inspired in his core a touch of envy. Then again…

 
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tomatorade

The great speckled bird
Location
A town at the bottom of the ocean
Pronouns
He/Him
Partners
  1. quilava
  2. buizel
Hola. Here to catnip review you. I see darkrai on the cover and I pog.

Anyway, read everything posted so far because why not. Honestly, I think this review is a bit of a mess but oh well.

0

The prologue/chapter 0/idk is Probably the section I have the least to say about. This has nothing to do with the quality of it, but a lack of context has me waiting to see how these things play out. The way it's written is what most interested me, with two kinda-narrator voices being quite rude to a dude. I thought it might be Connor at first, but the dialogue is different to his, with with references to a less developed time so mybe not.

Reading the other comments, apparently there's a connection to PLA, which makes sense considering the setting. Unfortunately, I didn't play that game so I have nothing to speculate on lol.

I also liked some of the weirder, almost sentimental metaphors here: the donut and child's blanket and cowboy. They're all distinctly modern in a way that makes me think the two weirdos bullying that guy are looking into the past form the future.

idk. We shall see.

Writing nitpicks


Speaking on writing, I think there's a clear distinction in prose between these scenes and the more abstract ones. In particular, the way the dialogue interacts with description and action and stuff.

In theory, I don't really have a problem with the larger paragraphs of text. There's a lot of places where they work--I like the monologue-esque moments of dialogue and I think this especially lends well to Connor's more introspective moments where he's worrying about the state of the world. It feels more natural, here.

That being said, there are moments where you get two or three right next to each other and it gets a little exhausting without pause between. Added with some verbose prose and I especially tend to lose some of the details.

Could also be the ADHD though tbh

Final small criticism just for the Connor/Florence section: some description gets lost, especially at the beginning. As an example, it takes so long to mention that Connor has Ronnie on his lap that when it's mentioned it's almost like a jumpscare. As said, this is mostly a problem with their first conversation. Imo it could do with the characters interacting with the scene a little more so it doesn't become a talking heads segment.

Nowhere else really has this problem to that degree though. The training section picks it up a lot. And the nightmare(?) sequence is... well, a fever dream so setting a concrete scene would ruin it a little, I think.

Anyway.

Trainers

Now onto actual substance.

Your take on the pokemon world is very interesting. Deeply political, too, in a way I don't often see. There's some great immediate tension in how Connor and Florence are training for money and that their training isn't certain. Here, it seems fairly brutal and disconnected compared to the usual trainer journey where everybody is being pals and going on an adventure. It's telling that part of their first conversation is about it being work. Connor also seems to be perpetually worried about the state of the world, even despite himself.

It gets across a great sense of unease, I think, which leads really well into the second chapter. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

One thing that especially caught my interest was your pokemon. Great names all around, of course, especially Pontgomery lol. You've got an immediate sense of personality between them that makes them distinct even as they're more animal like than most interpretations. Ronnie cute :3. I hope to see more of them.

Though chapter two definitely goes in a different direction, huh.

2

Can I call this a nightmare sequence? There's not really a clear start to it and the chapter ends on something of a cliffhanger. Or at least, without a clear resolution to what had happened. Mostly what I caught was the poke-religious imagery. References to Arceus etc... Truthfully, I'm more on Connor's page here. Definitely not certain about those orbs either, my dude. I find it fascinating how easily the transition from pre-nightmare into the action comes. This is in a large part due to the prose, I think. I especially like how Connor's introspection explores the unease that slowly builds into whatever the hell happened in the plant.

There's some sus stuff I'm keeping track of here. Connor's fainting spell, his lack of agency in the windworks. He seems possessed, almost passively observing his own body go through the motions.

I'm not quite sure what to make of it so far. There's the first explicit reference to my boy, Darkrai, with the blue eye, but it's very hard to say whether that's actually real alongside everything else. It's certainly nightmarelike. Real Darkrai shit. But...

Like with chapter zero, things are too uncertain for me to make much speculation. Especially since the event wasn't really resolved this chapter.

Though I really like the reference to the drifloon. Specifically after he muses on life's purpose being to help others. Connor seems desperate to help in some vague, nebulous way, but at the same time he can't help but want to gtfo. It's an interesting sort of internal conflict I want to see developed.

character stuff

The characters are fairly strong so far. I already mentioned the pokemon, but the two MCs have a strong presence, especially with each other. I like that we start in the middle of a journey and relationship. There's a lot to unpack here, and skipping all the first trainer journey stuff helps, especially for a story that seems like it'll be a lot spookier than the average trainer journey.

Connor certainly seems like a bit of a worrywart. I especially liked his little flashback at the start of chapter 2. It speaks strongly to a sense of justice, but good ol' insecurity pops up again to kneecap him. It's an interesting dynamic.

Florence, too, seems pretty spicy as a character. She doesn't have much to do so far, but I like that she attracts the troublemaker pokemon lol. She certainly knows how to name them.

Random Thoughts

Lots of considerations for pokemon and the world of pokemon training, from little bits like diet and biology to the function of the world. Training here seems especially harsh, though that could be due to the main characters’ financial need exacerbating that.

My god seven hours of practice. That’s dedication. Or torture I guess lol.

Falconer glove important. Pretty cool bit of worldbuilding.

No Ronnie training :(

Interesting that there still seems to be a bit of the trainer structure here. You have your protag, friend and rival. Don’t know what to think about cam though. He’s only appeared once, and has all the hallmarks of a rich, privileged jerk, but he seems fine so far. Just rich. I guess that's enough sometimes.

Generally, first chapter impressions are that this will be a fairly difficult story to predict. There’s a source of tension in terms of money and training, and a promise of greater interference based on the weirdo narrators from the beginning, but I can’t quite tell how this is going to go yet. Which is a good thing, for the record.

Floaroma scene is pretty chill. What sticks out most to me is more trainer stuff—the dustox being almost destined to be dropped because bugs aren’t popular (tragic). It makes sense for characters who desperately need the money, but it’s interesting what that says about the trainer sphere. To be fair, the optics would be a lot worse if the pokemon here were more intelligent than animals, but you make a clear line in human/pokemon communication a couple times in the first chapter.

There's lots of ‘only later did he realize’-type narration, which I’ve never been a fan of. It takes me out of the moment by acknowledging the future and cuts some of the tension.

Anyway, very cool story. I'll be keeping an eye out.
 
Chapter Three

slamdunkrai

bing.com
Pronouns
they/them
Partners
  1. darkrai
  2. snom
3.


(AUTHOR'S NOTE, 20/01/2024: pssst, ignore this one for now, it needs a little bit of revision to fit the needs of the rest of the story. shouldn't be more than five or six days, I'd imagine. ta)


Florence knew very few people who could afford optimism back home. Half the folks worked on rigs extracting oil from territory that had belonged to their families, then to private buyers and then fuel barons; in return, the oil went to the Indigo Alliance to satisfy the marriage between nations. Her father had been among them before his accident. The process, by his own admission, had turned him into an asshole. Meanwhile there were too few teachers to split the kids between them, too few schools to cover that much land, and most of the doctors went wherever there were hospitals to pay them; one or two more bad seasons of tourism stood between the gym and its relocation to Jubilife or one of the islands off the coast of Canalave. Once the gym went, so too did dozens of jobs and almost all the infrastructure for pokémon education up in the north of Sinnoh.

And folks were well-meaning, sure; there were enough folks worth keeping around. But traditions died hard, old habits harder, and enough forces kept both under threat that the lines had in places blurred in ensuring the preservation of heritage at all costs. Connor was one of maybe four people she knew who had asked no questions and raised no protests whatsoever about her coming out.

Now he was in a hospital bed, gaunt and sedated via IV drip with his wrists zip-tied to the bed while he stayed in the throes of a sleep too deep to fathom. She could do nothing about it, nothing to speed up his recovery and nothing to get back on the road.

The universe has no conscience, so I don’t think it can be cruel or uncaring, she imagined him saying if he could wake up without screaming. But it’s being homophobic to me, specifically, right now.

She let the prickly stillness of the moment play out and entertained the illusion that her fortitude would earn her some favour. Time kept moving ceaselessly, yes, but maybe she could contain it in little rivulets here. She stayed vigilant over his body and told herself he’d be alright, he was still breathing, the cold still unmoving guy before her was not a corpse, and she stayed until the tension broke, until she felt it roll down her cheeks in singular slow droplets. She went to check with the attending doctor. Nothing happened under her watch. It never did.

The doctor looking over him looked at her clipboard and then at Florence in a slow careful fashion, making sure to regard her a very deliberate expression: mouth straight, eyebrows knitted in concern, looking at her through the fluorescent light reflected in her glasses as if to telegraph that Florence was not under interrogation. She could not possibly have rehearsed this look; she’d done this before, countless times, and had become well-versed in the delivery of bad news. “Is there anything you need?” asked Dr. Calchas.

“N-no, I’m fine, I think. I-I mean, at least as much as I could be given the situation,” Florence replied, trying to keep her voice straight, “or, well, I don’t really, er, have a frame of reference for this.”

“That’s an entirely reasonable response. This was an unforeseeable accident; things like this are just about unprecedented in this neck of the woods, as a matter of fact. Did your friend mention he was planning to do anything in there, just out of curiosity?”

“No, he, uh, he said he had to go take a walk. Which I didn’t take to mean anything unusual; he does this from time to time, it’s nothing unusual for him — taking a walk, getting some air, keeping his head clean and stuff. I’m assuming something came up, uh, given where they found him; I don’t think he’d planned this, and I don’t think he even wanted to do, you know, something stupid or anything. Sorry, I just, uh —” she tried not to curse and tried to figure out how to finish this thought — “don’t know much about all this.”

“There’s no need to apologise; your honesty is appreciated.”

“Right, right, I know, uh, thanks. Listen, um, do you know… uh… do you have a good idea of who or what could have done this, exactly?”

At this, the brief glimmer of a smile that had tricked its way onto Dr. Calchas’s face dissipated. In her frown there came a silence, another glance at her notes, and then she ran her fingers across her forehead. “The who is unclear at this juncture, if there is one at all. The what, however… I’m still trying to make sense of that part myself.”

“What do you mean, exactly? Like, uh, do you have a good idea at least?”

“I wouldn’t advise looking too far into it yourself. I don’t even know how much I’m at liberty to discuss, to be honest. I only have very good reason to believe this was the work of a very powerful, very careful pokémon that has no business here.”

She glanced back through the window in the door, at the machines hooked up to Connor, at all the resources that had gone into monitoring him and his cognitive activity, at the restraints that had been placed on him for his own wellbeing; he had been in such a state, she’d heard, thrashing and screaming while out stone cold. The medical team had to have done some sort of psionic or somnolent test, given the severity of the situation.

This was bad news, the sort that made her stomach sink. They’d often talked about how the journey would change them both, about how this was a road they would embark upon and never return in one sense. This was not the sense she had meant.

“What kind of pokémon are we talking about here? Like a gengar, or—”

“I would advise you not to investigate further,” Dr. Calchas firmly repeated. “There is nothing you of all people could do with this knowledge that would make this situation any easier, and I am almost certain you would end up worse off than your friend; it’s something of a miracle that we can expect him to recover and wake up within the week, to the point where I almost assume that the intent was to leave him alive. I’ve emailed one of my colleagues over in Canalave — Dr. Richard Mondeghast, runs a sleep clinic there, knows his stuff and has treated similar, less fortunate cases before — and he shares my suspicions.”

Canalave.

Which most likely meant…

Fuck.

“But how did—”

“I don’t know,” she sighed. “I can’t explain how nobody else seems to have been affected as a result of this incident, either. There’s supposed to be cameras for this kind of thing.”

“…So is this, um… a, uh, an emergency or something? I mean, not just with Connor, but… uh, if, you know…”

“I don’t know. The town watch have started investigating what happened over at the Windworks immediately; all I can say is that I would expect them to ask you a few questions at the first possible opportunity. It’d probably be wise to cooperate with them, even if you don’t know anything. Once the League finds out about this, though… I don’t know what’ll happen next — hey!”

Florence had punched the wall. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to people like them. Not to Connor. The news made her body shake, made her convulse, and now she was making mistakes and now her knuckles were swelling and beset by a sharp pain. “Shit,” she said, “shit, uh, sorry, I wasn’t — dammit.”

Dr. Calchas still seemed on edge after yelping at her; her widened eyes drew attention to her stress lines. Still, she tried to raise a bare hand to keep her at ease. “It’s fine, I know this is a lot to process. Just — don’t do that, yeah?”

“I’m so sorry, I’m not usually…”

Trying to picture the future for a moment, she instead found herself coming up short and gasping for air. Was Connor going to be able to sleep normally going forward, or would the nightmares become part of his routine? Maybe this was a gradual thing, like a curse or a chronic illness, and it would sap him of his energy. Then what? That was a killer for the circuit, and everything depended on the circuit. What use was any of this if she couldn’t do it with her friend? Was that selfish to wonder? No, that felt selfish; he could have died. She shouldn’t have—

“Excuse me.” She raised a hand to apologise, though she could not bring herself to look up at the doctor who was not to blame for any of this. She couldn’t look at anything. There was nothing now or in the future onto which focus could be fixed. “I need to get some air, sorry.”

“I understand. Take all the time you need.”

She made her exit from this world and its sterile white tiles, all covered by this sense of absence from life itself; when outside, she didn’t feel all that much different. Everything was still the same out here. The world was, after all, still the world. The sun made its imperceptibly gradual ascent through the sky, like the cold white eyehole of a periscope, and looking up she couldn’t escape the sense of being watched.

The standoff dissolved beneath the flapping of wings. A family of starlies went east overhead. They had to leave town for a while for their own survival; they brought home with them wherever they went, she figured, and home lay in the connections they had forged as a family. They weren’t alone.

At least someone could say that, she thought, then she left and went to the river to throw her thoughts in with the magikarps and the watchful, hungry staravias.



Nothing came easy to her in the aftermath of the news, waiting least of all. She was locked in place and she had to break free, but there was nothing to break free from and no secret configuration of items or characters that would return things to their prior state.

Checking back into the centre, all the staff seemed to regard her with a newfound concern. Everyone wanted to know if she was alright, but she worried the way she carried herself deterred everyone not just from that question but from engaging with her in any meaningful way at all. At least they didn’t ask the question. It didn’t need an answer.

In the wide open plaza connected to the thin and transitory hall, she still could not shake the sense of being watched when she went to check in with the nurse at the front desk. The nurse was mid-enthusiastic conversation on the phone, but registered her approach and dropped a few registers. “…oh, um, do you mind if I call you back in a minute, actually? I’ve just got to — yeah, yeah. Cheers,” she said before putting down the office phone and clearing her throat once Florence stood before her. “Is there, uh, anything you need at all?”

“I want to see my friend’s pokémon,” Florence replied, before realising this hardly made a good impression. “You know, er, to see how they’re holding up and everything; a friendly face and all that.”

“Oh, yeah, no problem at all; I’m sure they’d appreciate that. That’s the staravia, isn’t it, and the aron? The poor dear, I’m sure he’d appreciate it.”

“How is he?”

The nurse — Clancy, her badge read — sucked the air in through her teeth and knitted her fingers together, shoulders shifting in the process. “He’s being as friendly as he can and everything, and he does try to cooperate with us when we give him food and all, it’s just… you know how it is, unfamiliar surroundings and faces, his trainer’s gone all of a sudden, and I mean… I think he’s had a bit of a fright, you know?”

Ronnie might have seen the culprit. Most likely, he’d felt its presence; she’d heard rumours that animals were more sensitive to certain kinds of auras. That kind of talk mostly made her bristle — the basis for this assumption, that humans were some spiritually different and more-or-less attuned entity from every other living thing, felt strange to her — but the mere possibility of it in this instance twisted something in her stomach.

“Well, uh… hopefully a friendly face will do him some good, aye?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure it will.”

“I just wish I could look after him myself for a bit, but, um… you know, hands are full with everything.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” said Clancy. “I’m sure you’re a good friend. Just follow me through here, I’ll take you to his pen.”

The two went through a door and down another corridor, where the fluorescent light reflected dimly on the laminate floor and the windows, which seemed to serve no real purpose except to make this interstitial space feel a little more homely, were being cleaned from inside. “Morning, Fred,” said Clancy, “how was the holiday?”

Fred kept at the windows as he turned, beaming around, with his tidy uniform and his name tag with its many decorations. Florence didn’t even know pokémon centres had employees of the month. “Aye, it was grand! You can’t beat Blackthorn in spring, I tell you; took some photos, saw some dragons, and they had a new hotel open up there — great craic, they’ve got a buffet you won’t believe.”

“Oh, great! You’ll have to tell me about it in a bit, aye.”

“You know I will.” His attention shifted to Florence for a moment and he gave her a curt nod, then got to whistling a song — that old power pop group, Such Little Nonbelievers; she didn’t know the exact tune but her dad loved them — and he went to work. Then she kept walking.

“Sorry,” said Clancy, “we love Fred around here. Always nice to have a chat with him, you know?”

“No need to apologise. Always nice to have good colleagues.”

“He’s the best damn janitor I’ve ever known. Gonna miss him when he retires.”

Ronnie was staying in a fenced area out back, sandwiched between two wings of the building; he had plenty of room to dig and a miniature cave to hide away in, but none of it seemed to interest him. She saw him through the door that led out back, picking away in a state of disinterest at the food in his bowl while watching the clouds pass overhead. Was he shaking? She looked — no, yeah, he was, and that was his whining. Her heart sank. Poor guy.

Clancy took her through; his head turned as the door opened, and immediately he scuttled over to Florence with his eyes wide like telescopes. She dropped to one knee on the spot and held her arms out to him, bracing for his impact; he bundled up against her and she held him tight, running her hands across his metal hide and patting him as he negotiated as much space as he could take up. He chittered and chirped in position and, even when Florence pulled away into sitting position, he bundled up beside her just to keep close.

The experience hadn’t changed him too much, at least; he was still his old friendly self. He wasn’t too far off becoming a lairon, she thought; he was getting big for an aron and could handle himself in most of the battles he’d been in. She wondered if he would still be so affectionate and so keen on the people he knew as he grew; there was a chance that, by the end of the year if things went particularly well on the circuit, Connor would have Sinnoh’s biggest lap dog to work with.

But that was the thing, she supposed.

“Well,” said Clancy, “good for him; he looked like he was seeing ghosts this morning. He hasn’t been eating much, and we’ve not had luck getting him to drink either.”

“That’s definitely unusual for him, aye.” Florence looked at him, and in turn he looked at her with something approaching expectation; he was on all fours and holding his stare unblinkingly — until she ran her fingers behind his carapace, on the softer scales nearer the back of his head; he blinked hard and slow, but seemed to droop a little and lose his enthusiasm after a moment. “I don’t think he’s been away from Connor for more than a day or two in years, you know.”

“Yeah, I was wondering if that was the case… so he’s a long-time pet then, aye? It’s harder with them when something happens. The ones you catch on the routes, they’re less separation-averse — a little harder to train, at first, but they’re better equipped to handle themselves if anything happens. You know all about that, though, I’m guessing.”

“Yeah,” she said, “it’s a double-edged sword. I often wonder if this is the right thing for us all, you know, if this is good for him in the long-term. Same with my pokémon, too. I like to think we’re friends as well as partners, but, uh, if I wasn’t doing them right and I didn’t know, what would they do about it? Or if I got sick. I don’t know how fair that all feels.”

“It’s just one of those things, isn’t it? I don’t think they mind too much, as long as they’re fed and looked after, and battles are enriching for them — I think the science says it’s fine, and I’m sure he loves his trainer; he loves you, I can say that much. But they can’t really say much, can they? I wonder if they have lives outside of us. It’d be easier if they could just tell us about it, I mean.”

“Oh, for sure,” said Florence. She got up and went over to his bowl, and he followed her over to it. “Are you hungry, trooper? You’ve gotta eat; it’ll make you feel much better about everything.”

He followed her arm as she gestured at the ore in his bowl; he got to nudging it a bit more, then took some more bites out of it and put it on the floor to play around with like something unexpected and miraculous would happen. It didn’t. He just wasn’t interested.

“I know, I know, me too,” she sighed. “But you’ve gotta eat your food, yeah? Be your best for when he wakes up, because it won’t be too long, and you’ve gotta get strong with him for the big match soon. Hey?”

He responded only with a down-pitched, faint rumble and got back to taking each bite, slowly working his way through it; in response, she just got back to keeping a hand on his back and patting him.

Rottenhat, meanwhile, hopped around near his perch over at the back of the pen silently as if to keep himself entertained. He seemed his usual self, which was good.

Clancy’s eyes lit up as she pointed at him. “Oh, he scratched me bad earlier, while I was getting his food.”

“Ah, that’s normal for him; he’s a teenager. Glad someone’s doing fine, at least.”

“Better that he’s eating than the alternative, at least. It’s a wonderful line of work, this is.”

“How’s it pay?”

“I get by. Could be better. I wouldn’t want to do anything else, though.”

Florence supposed this was inoffensive work, great if you liked being around animals, although trainers could be pricks sometimes. Dealing with particularly sick patients must have been tough; she’d heard that if you spend any amount of time with animals who need support, even for just a short time, you’re bound to get used to worst-case scenarios and inexplicable loss. But someone had to do all this.

Back home, they were always in need of people to do this; there were nurses and there were rangers, but not enough of them. The harsh conditions, long hours and low pay for constant work led to burnout for all but the most passionate; Florence did not have the patience of a saint herself, but she didn’t foresee herself living anywhere else once all was said and done. Her grades weren’t great, and she didn’t have much choice.

Ronnie didn’t have much choice either, she supposed, although Connor tried to give him as much of a say in his own care as possible. He cared more for the wellbeing of his pokémon than his own sometimes, as though there was no correlation between the two; watching him keep this delicate balance had been watching a boy cross tightropes for a decade. All the mechanisms that kept him from falling receded further from sight, but they’d both been sure they still worked.

All it took was one foot wrong.

She stayed for a little longer to keep Ronnie company while he ate, just to make sure he was himself; he grew more comfortable as time went on, but did not find it in himself to say much nor was he in much mood to play even as Pont and Elsie investigated him with beaks and idle chatter. As much as she wanted to take him back to the room or invite him out to train, she doubted he would have found it much use. There was still something in the corner of his eye, something he turned around to look at from time to time, and occasionally he got real tense all of a sudden as though being alive was this chilling thing. But there was nobody there. Just the wind.

The world still moved, though; her deadlines had not budged, and her own team still demanded her attention. “You’ll be okay, little guy, alright?” she said, in the hopes he would understand. “I’ve gotta go now, but I’ll see you tomorrow. It’s going to be okay. I know, I know.”

Ronnie seemed to recede into the pen as she stood up, remaining static while somehow minimising a core part of himself. He didn’t try to follow her as she left and instead got back to sitting, waiting, watching the clouds move above the nearby forest as the silhouettes of the trees shifted to meet the demands of the day.



Clancy remained at the desk — how long was her shift? “How was training?”

“We got it done,” she replied with a shrug, “better than nothing.”

“That’s the spirit. I’m sure Gardenia won’t know what hit her, and every other gym leader in Sinnoh is going to stay on watch; it speaks volumes for your character that you’re still sticking with your routine under the circumstances.”

This came from out of nowhere. There was no way she knew that for sure; she probably said that to most trainers, in all honesty, and what was she going to say, that she was likely a flameout and wouldn’t even sniff Fantina? That wasn’t true, obviously, but neither was the alternative yet. “Uh, thanks, I guess,” she said, focusing on the wall because it was far more interesting than the situation at hand. (It wasn’t.) “Uh, has anything of note happened today? Are you not finished yet?”

“Ah, well, one of my colleagues isn’t well, apparently. Can’t get out of bed, I heard. Not like her. She’s barely lucid, so I’m covering her for the afternoon.”

“Oh.” Florence considered this for a moment. Was there any chance that this was related to… wait, no, did they know what had happened to Connor? She raised a finger—

“Oh, before I forget, uh, Ballard and Stirner from the town watch said they wanted to speak to you. They said to give them a call, or failing that, they’d be back later.”

Small-town cops. Florence’s eyes rolled back hard enough to take her head with them; the ceiling read like a ransom note in that moment, demanding her compliance. She sighed. A smidge over three thousand people lived here, and many of them were retirees or shop owners. These were the type of cops whose primary duties were to local housing prices —

“Alright, cool,” she said, “thanks for letting me know.”

— and whose jobs consisted primarily of yelling at drunks and the homeless, maybe even fumbling the odd murder case from time to time. They weren’t solving this one, and they probably knew it.

Clancy beamed back at her, anyway. “No problem! I don’t imagine they’ll give you too much trouble; they’re not bad guys, really. Just a little gruff.”

Why did she feel the need to specify that? “Oh, that’s good. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Let us know if there’s anything else you need, yeah?”

Florence gave a thumbs up to Clancy, who to her credit had been very kind today, and nodded. “Hope the rest of your shift goes well.”

The erstwhile nurse returned the gesture with a preternatural enthusiasm which concealed any irony it may have possessed.

En route to the room, Florence tried to take her mind off things by reminding herself she’d done brilliantly with training; all her pokémon, Elsie and Pont behind her while Bimp rested in her pokéball, had been fantastic, and she’d kept focused the whole time. It was hard work and it lasted until sunset, but it was forward momentum; it kept her occupied. Elsie even showed some real progress with dark-type moves today. These warranted treats, and then an evening of resting up with a movie…

She paused at her door. Sounds came from beyond the threshold, hushed mumbling and fiddling through belongings. She had locked it. She distinctly recalled having locked it. She jerked the handle.

Yes, she had locked it, and nobody had unlocked it.

Wh—

Oh, she thought, they hadn’t.

She muttered half a curse, reeled back, swiped the card against the lock and forced the door open. She was greeted with the sight of two men in uniforms, one of whom was wiry and smiled like a car salesman while the other had handcuffs and a truncheon out on show. The wind blew in from an open window behind them; the curtains parted to reveal a snapshot of the world outside and a complete absence of shame.

“Evening, officers, mind explaining what the fuck you’re doing?”

“Language,” said the bald armed burly suit in his grim voice. “Police business.”

“You must be—” said the lankier one with his hair slicked back. He squinted for a moment and then pulled back, taking some mental notes. What was this about? “Okay, I see. So you’re Florence?”

She tried to hide the extent to which she was shaking, hiding her arms behind her back and clenching her fists while imagining she held the handles of, say, some wire cutters. She tried harder to keep her voice even, quiet and professional, not because she respected them — they didn’t respect her in the slightest — but because she couldn’t afford to make them angry. They were dangerous. Lunatics with badges.

“Do either of you have a warrant, or do I need to report you for breaking and entering?”

“Now, now, don’t be like that; you don’t own this room, after all, you’re just renting it — if you want to play it like that, we’ll just say you didn’t cooperate with our investigation and have you kicked out. We’re both on the same team here, I hope; we want to see whoever did this come to justice. Let’s be nice to each other, friendo. Alright?”

This detective spoke with a level of enthusiasm that seemed totally detached from the content or meaning of his words, or anything that actually existed. It made her skin crawl. If this was an intentional affect for unnerving, it worked perfectly; it also made her want to kill him in cold blood, but that was neither here nor there.

“Here, I’ll even introduce us,” he said, still beaming with his rows of white teeth bared, “I’m Detective Marc Stirner and this here is Sergeant Louis Ballard; we’re both with the Floaroma town watch, and we’re investigating what happened the other day over at the Windworks. We're here because your friend is a person of interest, and we just want to establish how much you know about it, yeah? You’re not a suspect yourself, so—”

“Sorry, what do you mean he’s a person of interest exactly?”

“Well, we’re just trying to establish what happened; obviously, we found him in the building not long after the power had gone. As of right now we’ve had difficulty establishing if anyone else was in there—”

“No, no, I’m sorry, you can’t be serious. He was fucking unconscious! He was a victim; what are you suggesting, that he did this?”

“Not until we have the evidence,” winked Stirner, “and it’ll do this town a great service if you just let us know what you know. We’ll even take a seat, look, and take notes if you just let us know what you can.”

“Unless you have a warrant—”

“Does your friend, uh, Connor, isn’t it, does he have a history of crime? Even just anything petty that you happen to know about, I mean, we won’t charge him for that, but even little things can mask the sort of impulse that leads a person towards… say, if it is him, maybe it’s vandalism, maybe it’s terrorism; both can have catastrophic consequences if left unchecked.”

This was unconscionable. Florence found it incredible that these people even existed, and if the universe was capable of possessing cruelty, it sure exhibited this impulse by insisting that she had to answer these people or else they could measurably make her life worse — maybe they’d arrest her on bullshit charges or something, maybe they’d just keep harassing her; this wouldn’t be their investigation for much longer anyway, but the dark shadows they were allowed to cast across the room filled her with utter, incandescent fury.

Pont had gone across the room to investigate these two intruders; he was slightly puffed up, yes, but showed no immediate signs of being prepared to attack. This was just caution, if anything.

“Control your pokémon,” said Ballard.

Stirner had reached into his pocket and gotten out a black-and-gold pokéball of his own. “Buddy, my arcanine, is in this ultra ball. I can and will let him out if I have reason to believe that you are threatening me with your piplup; I don’t believe you are right now, of course, but I suggest you ensure that your friend there keeps his distance so that we remain on good terms, capiche?”

“Get out of my room right now, or I will do everything in my power to ensure you never work again. I am being entirely serious, you have no legal right to be in here—”

“It’s your word against ours, Rosencrantz,” Stirner rebutted with a grin that crooked like a raptor’s beak, “and we’re men of the law; I don’t know if I’d risk that, especially if I was you.”

“Answer the question,” said Ballard, “this is an official investigation and refusal to cooperate is a punishable offence.”

That wasn’t even true, really; there was nothing backing up their authority to do this except for their badges, their occupational titles, and the various tools on Ballard’s belt that could be used for violence. The knotted rope of Florence’s stomach stretched out so hard that it strummed, and she still tried to remain calm even as she was filled with the urge to scream.

Connor had, in truth, shoplifted a few times before; he was never caught, and in her view it didn’t really count. No reasonable jury would convict him for that: a kid who’d spent all his money on food for his pokémon while his mother was unwell and had spent all her money on heating in the winter months. What else was he going to do?

“No,” she said, “he’s never done anything of the sort, obviously; do you think they would have let him become a trainer otherwise, hmm?”

She regretted answering, but in truth, she was scared. Yes, there was nothing good that came from speaking to cops; yes, they were looking for an excuse to bust Connor — in all likelihood, probably her too, they were doing nothing to mask their sheer revulsion towards her mere existence; besides, the one difference between a cop and a fascist was that one was on the clock — but there was a legitimate chance these men were spiteful enough that they would get her taken off the circuit for not going along with their little game. There would be nothing after that.

“Well, evidently, they’re letting anyone become trainers these days. You’re probably qualified, I’m sure, but I just don’t think you can be too careful with that kind of thing these days.” Stirner paused, raised a finger, and suddenly took on an expression of grave concern as though to reveal the truth and justification behind his cruelty. “I mean, look at what happened in Hoenn; many of those people were licensed trainers, too. Many of those cultists were, in fact, like you and your friend; many of their friends would have stuck up for them and many of them would have stuck up for each other if asked whether they were criminals or, you know… dissidents. The subversive types.”

“Where are you going with this, exactly?” said Florence. “Do you think we might be liable to terrorism just because I don’t trust you?”

“It’s not that at all. You see, the issue is that that kind of thing simply cannot be allowed to happen in Sinnoh. Not on my watch. What happened with the weather cults only happened because their government was a little, you know… lax. Tolerant, even, of some unsavoury behaviours. It all starts with that unhappiness, you know, that malaise certain people had with the way their lives had gone; it wasn’t their fault, they didn’t think, that they were broke and alone and impotent, so they went to protest, went on strikes, started organising against the government, and all of a sudden they decided the right thing to do was try to flood and burn the land just to vent their frustrations — tip the scales back in their favour, you know, get a taste for how it feels wielding the power of the gods just like the old champions. Hundreds died and people lost their homes, Rosencrantz, all because people didn’t know what to do with their emotions. They didn’t feel they were big enough. But we don’t do that here, especially not in this town. We’re a happy and beautiful people, you know that? The people of Floaroma don’t mean any harm. Naturally, we just want to protect our land and take care of our lots in life — nothing more, nothing less. You don’t want to get in the way of that, do you?”

Detective Stirner hardly blinked as he delivered his little speech, nor did he gesture or even emote except for an imposing smile as he asked his final question. He just stared as though this was the most natural thing in the world, as though the importance of his words removed the need for any additional whistles and bells. This was the most honest thing he had said all day.

It made her want to scream into the deepest mine in Oreburgh, then start throwing people into it until the vast emptiness gave or she did. Short of that, it made her want to burn down a building. Neither were feasible.

“No, and I never said I did,” said Florence, “and certainly neither does my friend. I don’t care about this town at all — even if I hated it with all my guts, do you think I could afford to get myself into trouble, hm? After how hard I worked to get here to begin with? All my life I’ve only tried my best, and look where it’s got me. Dealing with you fucking thugs. Are you proud of yourselves? Does this make you feel good?”

Elsie was silent and perched uneasy on the chair, her wings ruffling and her head hung low; meanwhile, Pont had almost vanished into some shadow in a corner of the kitchen. The two agents of terror sucked all the air out of the room in their sullenness, which Florence would not have minded if not for the fact that Ballard’s arm itched at his side, right above his truncheon and handcuffs. She felt reasonably confident in guessing he owned a gun, certain that he wished he had it on him, and relieved beyond belief that he didn’t; pistols were standard issue back home, at least.

Stirner, though, had the ball with his arcanine out in his hand and that grin back on his face. “Are you sure this is how you want to do it? We’re not asking for much — all you have to do is co-operate. Tell us what your friend was doing in that building and you’ll never have to see us again. It’s that easy.”

This was ridiculous; they had no evidence of anything. They were desperate. Florence tried to imagine how this would develop: he would get his giant hound out and keep threatening her until he either got bored or escalated the situation. Her blood ran cold. He wanted an excuse.

“I don’t know. That’s all I can tell you. Now, if you’d excuse me, I’ve got to go.”

“I beg your pardon?”

The two men rose high in the centre of the room and placed their long shadows across proceedings, casting an impermeable malice through all four corners of these lodgings. Florence turned away immediately and scrambled her hands across her belt, returning all her pokémon to safety outside the sight of her two enemies; she grabbed for the door and swung it open in the space of a few heartbeats and headed out to safety in the lobby, not daring to turn back and recognise the footsteps drawing nearer and nearer; if they got her, there would be no return.

She kept walking through the open lobby and out into the world. No destination lingered on her mind except for far, far away from Stirner and Ballard, from the investigation, from Connor and from everything. She crossed the bridge and headed off to the trees, eventually finding herself in the same clearing where the vespiquen had emerged.

Buzzing filled the air, the sound of the nearby sawmill turning dead things to lumber for cheap export; the forest’s vastness did not preclude it from its materiality or the growing needs of Sinnese commerce. Of course the combees still worked themselves on the other side of the grass, though many of them hid off behind the firs. They still had their home for now. They did not comprehend the serrated buzzing off in the distance, nor their proximity to the forces that could, in an instant, call for their expulsion to make way for a retail park or a new highway could be built. They lived in relative peace, their lives more complex than Florence would ever comprehend.

She caught a glimpse of their matriarch tending to her drones and sighed, slumping down to her seat and burying her forehead into her wrists. Everything remained in motion. There was more to the world than her issues, yes, but her issues were a part of the world nonetheless. The fresh air did not make her feel better, and despite the prying eyes and curious beaks of the pokémon on whom she depended, she felt alone and insignificant.

The clouds still moved overhead, after all, and the silhouettes of the trees now drowned her in shadow. Tomorrow, much of this would happen again. Grief, for all its power over her, was a man-made construct. Time would erode its effect; the gods decreed it thus.



Each repetition felt more hollow. The bounds of every day reminded her only that she was trapped, that she could not leave until her friend recovered, which would take a few days or all eternity. His attacker remained on the loose with no such ailment except guilt, maybe, if such an emotion registered; they were at once too distant to really comprehend and so inescapable that she could muster no response that would matter. Had they been alone? Were they back on their island, on Wilsing or Apollo or was it Plummer Isle, or did they linger nearby in the walls that humans had built to keep them out? Who could give them shelter?

Training occurred without interruption. Her pokémon continued to excel. Gardenia would stand no chance against Elsie’s wings and glowing talons, or failing that Bimp would finish them off. Even beyond the prep for that one battle, they all became stronger, more durable, more able to withstand long periods of exertion — physical practice kept everyone fit and sharp, holding off the rust and with it the threat of failure. Fatigue took longer and longer to set in, and yet she felt tired of it the whole time; she wondered if this was all there was to it, or if there were more meaningful lives that her team could lead beyond the rote world she had asked them to call home.

In an instant, she kept thinking, all of this could vanish. What would she say for herself after that? Who was she beyond all this? Was she funny? It felt vain to admit, but nobody had told her she was funny.

All her free time, of which there seemed to be less each day, went towards finding movies to watch more than it did actually watching them; there were only so many Slaughter in Saffron knock-offs and sequels out there, while finding the decent ones felt even harder still. This was no way to pass the time. This did not aid her recovery, although she didn’t know what she had to recover from in the first place.

She still made sure to eat and drink and shower and shave each day. None of the basic needs in her control could go unmet; falling behind there would worsen her odds of success out on the circuit. The company of others, however, did not come so easily in her time of need. The empty bed opposite her own felt no more welcoming even with the knowledge that Connor would be soon be out of hospital.

With each visit he remained constant, occasionally shifting in his sleep but rarely thrashing anymore. She hoped this meant he was at greater peace, that sleep had come more easily to him. The doctor’s updates did not shed much more light on things: he remained in the thrall of nightmares, the physiological effect of which was akin to a prolonged panic attack, and though he would wake up soon the long-term effects would only reveal themselves in the subsequent days, weeks, months. The extent of his prior struggles with anxiety, depression or insomnia still needed to be determined to further paint a picture of his health and help chart out his roadmap towards recovery. None of this put Florence at ease; she had no idea what this would mean in the long run.

“…anyway, uh, did you say you wanted to come back to mine and have a few rounds?” asked Mia.

“Oh, uh, yeah, sorry. What?”

Florence looked around and took stock of her surroundings. This was the café she’d seen a few times; she’d never gone in before now. Her next-door neighbour from the centre sat across the table. Had she knocked on for her or something? The specifics of this meeting eluded her as she tried to think back on it.

“Sorry,” she continued, “I zoned out for a sec there — yeah, I’d be down, uh… what, uh, what were we talking about just now?”

Mia wore round gold-rimmed spectacles. Behind them, she blinked harder than usual a couple of times. Her eyes, striking and azure, telegraphed a sympathy Florence wasn’t sure she’d earned. “Um,” she began — Florence wasn’t sure how this had caught her off-guard — “we were talking about how you were the best Stormgirls: Deluxe Tournament player in all of northern Sinnoh, by your account, and how you’d spent countless hours on it. Then, uh, before that you were saying what had happened to your friend.”

“Oh,” she said, “oh, right, yeah, uh — sorry if I was trauma-dumping or whatever.”

“Don’t even worry about it! Listen, we all have shit we need to unpack, you know; the world is a miserable place sometimes, and it sounds as though you’ve had a particularly rough run of it. I don’t know how I’d be holding up in your shoes, you know? Besides,” said Mia, oddly devoid of any discomfort at all, “all we have is each other. One person isn’t a community, after all, and we’re social creatures in the end. If things are to get better in this world, it will be because we all have each other.”

That came out of nowhere, Florence thought, but the sentiment was very nice. “Yeah,” she said, “I guess. Uh, thanks. I mean, I’ll feel better once he’s on his feet again; I just… it’s dawned on me that I gotta get out more, gotta make new friends, you know? Anything to take my mind off things.”

“You can’t outrun your problems forever,” said Mia with a grin, “but you can fight them. No army of one ever won a war.”

In truth, Florence didn’t even know there was a war on. It sounded convincing, though, so she went along with it.

 
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Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Hey, a bit tighter on time for reviewing tonight, so I figured that I’d dip in with a review of your story’s Prologue, though… this is Hey, Space Cadet!’s present version, huh? I’d heard the name of that story thrown around a bit, though I was envisioning something pretty different from your cover art.

Whelp, you’ve got me interested, so let’s just jump right in and see where your Prologue goes with this story:

Prologue

At no point should you ever make a detour.

You turn up late for your job and lose it, you walk down the wrong alley and get robbed, you take a step without thinking and it’s into a busy street. You realise in your moments of introspection that you're surrendering far too much to chance. You begin to count the hours you've surrendered to decisions you hadn't mapped out, commitments that don’t pay off. You realise how little time you have. If your senses are particularly keen, you even notice how many enemies you've made. You notice they're all more armed than you thought possible; evidently, it is possible. Your calculus is just wrong. Your defences could have fought them off if you'd spent the time to build them; you instead spent this time collecting trophies you can’t see in an empty room like the one we’re in.

You say to yourself: I don’t want to die in here.

Ah yes, things are going well™ for the protagonist to be stuck in a room full of armed people out for his blood right now. I see we’re just going straight into the thick of things in this story.

You try to picture the life you tell yourself you really wanted to lead. You try to picture yourself if you'd lived with more purpose, if you'd done the things you'd intended; if only you'd acted a bit more forcefully in your own self-interest, you could've done… you could've been…

You end up asking yourself a question with no satisfying answers: you ask, what was my intent?

You find yourself in places like these.

Oh huh, I just realized that we’re doing second-person perspective with this story. That’s definitely an uncommon bird (if really fun when it’s done well). Though assuming that this protagonist doesn’t just get shot and bleed out by the end of the Prologue, I’m morbidly impressed at how much trouble he’s managed to get into just during a League Challenge.

On this platform in this world between worlds, there is a sad young man from the past. He is dying. He knows this. You know this just as well as I do; any idiot could figure it out. You don't need to worry about him too much. He has lived the sort of life that ensures no story of real interest could be spun about him. None of the skills he has built to this point make him much of a hero, and he is not exceptionally competent even in his areas. Take it from me, for it takes one to know one (and there's more than a few of us here with the experience to know one): this is a body without a spirit, a shell that can no longer be used, maybe never has been used to experience personhood. He most resembles some sort of cherry donut punctured in several areas, none of which contain his most vital organs. The wounds he has picked up are not the sort people like him could ever recover from. The mistakes he has made are not the sort he can correct.

Wait, whose viewpoint are we even seeing this from anyways? At first I thought it was the human on the cover art, but now I’m not so sure. Especially with the way that the narrator is referring to the wounded man beside him.

He might not die in this room, and he might not die for a while. Make no mistake, though: he will die.

Wounded Man: “Well aren’t you just a beacon of positivity right now?” >_>;

“Is there anybody out there?” he says. Look at him — icy lids have formed over his eyes. His face rapidly discolours. His lower lip is scarred, his chin is unshaven and given shape by bitemarks; his hair has the threads and knots and wear-and-tear of a child's yellow blanket.

Isn't that a strange metaphor?

Oh, so the man is the same guy who’s having Darkrai whisper into his ear on the cover art… I think, anyways.

Good catch. He knows not that kind of love nor its intensity; it’s quite unlikely he ever will. I doubt you could imagine a person who'd give it to him.

Isn’t that a bit harsh?

Oh, so there narration’s being told by two parties. That threw me a bit there and part of me wonders if it might have made sense to differentiate this second entity from the narrator through some sort of formatting device like italics or something like that.

I believe it was said that we're not to worry about him. Now, about this cherry donut—

No, no; we can't eat him without reaching a consensus and I . Maybe he's someone else's. Besides, this unit lacks so much unity as things currently stand; these ranks could surely never grow again…

Okay, yeah. The narrators aren’t human, especially if they’re talking about eating the wounded man. Wonder if we’ll be told their identities before the Prologue is over.

Maybe you're wrong about him not having anyone. Look at those spheres on his belt, like little globes—



They were emptied on the way here. He has nobody, he is nobody. He has barely been at all in any meaningful sense, so if I don't get to be a human being, if none of us get to be human beings, I don’t think he counts either. Besides, all that he is now will leave him soon. If you define empathy as the duty you feel towards your fellow people to commiserate in the commonalities of worldly experience, you're in luck: you need not waste any of it on him. I don't even think he has a name anymore.

Wait, what on earth is this second speaker anyways? A Zoroark? Since it’s talking about ‘being a human being’ so casually there.

He falls to the ground. He is slack-jawed and his nostrils are flared. It's unclear how numb his body is, though he seems to be losing control over his limbs; he is evidently numb somewhere going off his lack of expression.

"Why did you send me here…?" he says, sputtering out hoarse coughs and vacating most of whatever's left inside his lungs. These liquids have formed into some kind of slurry in the low temperatures that will define his past, present and future.

It might be a bit on the “stylistic nitpick” end of things, but IMO, this paragraph is long enough and has enough going on in its two halves that it probably makes sense to render it as two separate ones.

I'm not sure that he's entirely beyond feeling. Look at him again. Look at his neck as it cranes upwards, the light in his eyes; why, if that's not genuflection, I don't know what is.

Assuming that the narrator is Darkrai, this dude bleeding out must be tripping out so hard at seeing him approach him in this state.

Maybe he's just counting his memories while he still has them. Maybe he's trying to remember who did this to him or who he could have been or how all this could've gone down differently.



Maybe he's just trying for one more look at the sun, at nature and at birds passing overhead. He's trying to remember the good he once thought existed in the world.

Wounded Man: “Um. Hello? Are you actually going to do something here or just let me die?” >_>;

Or maybe he's reaching for the true light! The world we once lived in is made of the light we were once blessed with; maybe he brings light into this world of unmaking—



He’s speaking now. Listen.



“Everything you said about… how the world ain’t ready for us, how we can make it with our own hands, h-how there’s too many unbelievers a-and how only we can see the centre of the soul… how everyone’s given up on the perfection our lineage went for except f’r us… was that all lies, mister? I damn near gave you everything I could… things you said mattered more than worldly things… and you sold it like cheap goods in the village… c-can you even hear me…? Or have you betrayed me a-and abandoned me like you betrayed them…”

Oh. This is Volo, isn’t it? Or else someone descended / related to him. Since I just realized that you very specifically mentioned that the dying man had blond hair and this motive rant would be fairly consistent from what I know of how Volo or someone following in his footsteps would tick.

He’s correct. The subject of his grief knows his feelings and doesn’t care. He considered this beforehand. This sort of dissent does not fit into his grand plans. The world is made of customers who are always wrong at least some of the time; that’s why none of them should exist, he reckons. This scared little boy dressed in cowboy clothes (seriously, look at his tattered hat and big boots) thought he was like his killer — he misunderstood his role in the transaction. He thought he was a seller, not a resource.

Yeah, deals with the devil tend to be like that, just saying.

I can explain! By studying the scriptures I have learned the following: the evil in the world comes from the structures built by man, which punish the rational man to reward the heathen. The rational man tries to bridge the gap between our world and the Divine, the human spirit and its potential; he tries to help humanity achieve dominion over the beautiful creatures. O! But he is shunned and foisted with such unfair taxes, which drive him mad and leads him to betray those who—

>the evil in the world comes from the structures built by man

Okay, yeah. Now I know the second speaker in the narration is a Pokémon, since I can see the moral deflection there.

He gasps for air and tries to remember who he is — his name and occupation, his relations, his age; he even tries to fixate on the subject of the rage he knows he still feels. That rage won’t ever go away, really. The memories already have.

He opens his mouth as if to ask for a name. He only gasps. It’s as though submitting to a great weight. Everything to this point has been nullified and forgotten; within a year of his disappearance, nobody will ever speak his name again. If they do, it’ll regard the manner of his disappearance more than the contents of his life. Remember, the only friend he thought he had is the same one that’s left him here; you can be sure that man won’t try to incriminate himself in this. He has more important things to worry about: the remaking of the world, the favour of the gods.

I’m going to guess that the dying man’s partner was Cyrus. Since that M.O. certainly sounds very Cyrus there.

Though this paragraph is long enough that IMO, it’s probably worth dividing it at some point into two paragraphs.

As for our cowboy, his spirit has shed all the things it deemed unimportant, and there is no story that could be told about him that could ever interest you or ever interest us. He doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. He’s a footnote, a sign of what was and will be more than a real person.



What are the odds he’ll join us once all this is said and done, do you reckon? These ranks are never full. He’s not really an individual anymore anyway — he’ll fit perfectly in this world. Might even give him something to do, some new friends.

Oh, so the dying man is going to be kept alive in spite of mortal wounds, huh? Since I think that this is what it’s building towards.

I would feel slightly cheated if we never met. It would be a shame, on his part, if he was meant to come here all along and he never gets to find out.

You fail to consider that death, despite its transportative qualities, is not some grand carriage that takes you to the reward for your suffering. You just stop living and you do something else. It eventually loses its romance, in some cases sooner than others — there’s nothing really interesting about a discordant pile of bodies or souls. Isn’t this ample evidence?

Huh, wasn’t expecting that from the way these two were talking about death earlier. It felt as if it was building towards something more mystical.

What’s that thing?

How’d it get in here?

Is it a demon, or some sort of guardian angel?

why-not-both-why-not.gif


Whatever it is, it’s clearly come for him. It’s scampering about with malice in its eyes. It stands on two legs and looks like a fox, or maybe it’s winter incarnate. Its fur is stained red. Its mane is dripping with blood, though whose is unclear. Its maw hangs open and its breath forms gaseous frost-clouds like the fog of war. It looks like a fox. There is a hatred in its eyes that you’d swear wild animals shouldn’t possess; there is only one sort of creature that can wield its base instincts in such an ugly way, you’d think, though you know there are many who grieve their lost young with the fullness of their being.

Oh, hello, Hisuiroark. Aren’t you supposed to be busy being extinct right about now?

There is no room for grief. There is no room at all, in fact. Our cowboy is a blank slate whose face lights up at the gift he seems to think has befallen him; he crawls towards it like a hungry hound towards its master, one who expects some sort of treat, one who follows — he expects to find who he is through this.

Laughter fills the rotten air, the sort that was once human. It is not his. He is crawling and wheezing, leaving a red trail between him and this place as though this is his womb. He doesn’t know that he is going to die. He doesn’t know anything at all, and he has no tools to scope out a reason to exist. All he knows is that he does exist, though the futility of this act is unclear to him. The monster leads, and though there is a sense of wanting in his eyes — the want of the usurper as he looks at the empty chair — he follows.

Another long paragraph that probably works better as two. Though damn, this guy bleeding out just doesn’t know when to quit.

That’s him gone, probably somewhere out in the mountains in a world he doesn’t know. I didn’t even know there were doors in this place.

There are, but not for us. Least of all you. You're here forever.

We’re in the Distortion World right now, aren’t we? Since I saw that comment about being in a ‘world between worlds’ earlier.

That’s true.

They don’t see cowboys often in the place he’s going. Not anymore.

space-wheatley-robot-portal-2-d6hut6l5bn2kqf5w.gif


Doesn’t he know what’s going to happen to him?

I mean, clearly not since he was dying and probably starting to slip into delirium.

Maybe he does, on some deep level. Maybe it's all he knows. Maybe he lets it control him.

For now, there’s no stories to be told about him; he’ll be a footnote at most. You shouldn’t care about him. You shouldn’t be here at all, come to think of it: this is the wrong place for you. We’re not going to sing and dance for you. We don’t do that.

de7.png


Since I can already tell that these two are going to wind up regretting shrugging this guy off.

We don’t want to do anything. Something interesting is happening out there under the sun, I’m sure, but not here; we’re happy here in our own little world, beyond the tyranny of thermodynamics, perpetual motion, and narrative. You, on the other hand, would be happy out there with some other unfortunate souls wasting their days out in the land of the living (and of that cowboy, too, I guess) — the gods don't look there anymore. Don't worry. Neither do we.

Oh hi Giratina. I mean, I was starting to suspect it about 10 paragraph ago, but this more or less confirms it.

Alright, made it to the end. There’s admittedly only so much that I can wring out of a Prologue for casting judgment on a story, but what I saw looked really promising. The prose is smooth and you have a good sense of atmosphere to this piece and it does a pretty good job at getting the reader hooked for the future, even if I’d be surprised if things constantly felt this ominous and foreboding throughout… but hey, only one way to find out.

I don’t have too much to complain about things in this chapter. The primary nitpick that I have is that I kinda wish that the dialogue of the Narrator and Giratina(?) were set apart a bit more somehow so that it was easier to follow who was who in the conversation. I mean, it wasn’t that hard in the end, but still. Beyond that, there were a couple paragraphs where I felt that things were a bit long for a singular paragraph, but that’s ultimately an authorial preference, so I could be overthinking things there.

Good work, @slamdunkurai . Barring something unforeseen happening, I’ll be coming back to this story at least once during Review Blitz. It’s definitely very different from how I thought it’d be, but not in a bad way, and I’ll be looking forward to seeing the places where this story of the half-dead cowboy goes.
 

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
Hi Jeef, long time no review!! I actually didn't realize that THIS was the HSC rewrite, I was over here like a dumbass looking for Hey, Space Cadet! Redux or whatever. I see you didn't just go for a rewrite, you went for a whole rebranding!

I'm here for the Prologue through Chapter 2, and I'll definitely try to get to Chapter 3 by the end of the week. My reviews are a jumbled mess of rambling, more rambling, some crit, maybe more rambling, and some midnight tired ADHD brain. I'm sorry in advance for any incoherentness.

ALRIGHT SO BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH MY BOY (AND GIRL). But, first, the prologue. I'm trying to recall bits and pieces of what I remember of the OG HSC and somehow this both fits that vibe exactly yet feels completely different. I remember the OG having a pretty spacey opening that left me like ?????????? and this delivered the same kind of feeling, but multiplied time 6000. The second person REALLY threw me, but in like, a good way (second person prose is really growing on me as of late). While I will openly admit I was mostly lost with what was going on, I DID enjoy the POV quite a lot! I really liked feeling like I was there as a body part of this opening sequence being spoken to by who I assume is Darkrai (?) while we stand over this dude who is like literally disintegrating out of existence. I particularly enjoyed the descriptions of this dude's body and all his convulsions and gasps for breath; I REALLY got the vibe he was in pain. I also got the vibe he was despairing, likely over the shit Not!Darkrai was saying to me. This is the part where I ask, in fear, if the dying man was Connor. :kekw: Don't answer that....yet

Getting into the first chapter, WOW, I'm seeing some great changes! I don't know, in my head HSC felt like the animated version and this opening feels like the more mature live action. I recall you having some really remarkable worldbuilding in the OG but it's totally and completely magnified in this version and I'll gush about that now.

I love how the stakes are seemingly higher for Connor and Florence. I vividly remember in the OG that their whole thing was that they were 2 of 3 trainers to come out of Snowpoint and that they had a lot of underdog energy, but the added notion about their funding being cut, and Snowpoint allegedly being a more Projects-y, low-income area is like SHEESH. Adds to the stakes TREMENDOUSLY. These two are in desperate need for money for their own respective reasons, so that's why they're doing what they're doing. That's why they're doing this song and dance. Their joint sentiment that the whole idea of training has lost its novelty really felt so real--I totally empathize with the idea of something being like, your dream occupation then getting there and realizing it's not all it's cracked up to be, but you kind of have to make do because if not, you're a broke boy. I feel for them, truly.

I also like how Florence seems more present now. Before we saw a lot of her through their text correspondence, which I admittedly DO miss, but honestly, this is a good trade off. I like that she's physically there with him, training alongside him, sharing a room with him, and how they both seem to be pushing each other through this regiment that has indeed lost a lot of its dreaminess to them. Really adds some weight to their relationship.

And the POKEMON. I don't remember them being so animalistic in the OG, and while I do typically prefer them to air on the more intelligent side, I REALLY like the worldbuilding you've done around them regardless. Even with that spin more toward being animal-like, there is still an air of intelligence to them that gets the point across that they're still not quite just regular animals. They can still do some crazy shit that standard parakeets and house cats can't do. I don't know why, but the detail about Connor using a clicker to train Rottenhat was just so *chefs kiss* because YES, that IS how you might train a creature like that. But at the same time, the exposition makes it clear that Connor also tries to act on what his partners might want (e.g. mentioning how he made it clear they can break out of their balls whenever they want). I just thought the approach to them was insanely cool, and I loved the little tidbits of info you threw in about certain species. Like, how Staravia aren't cuddly, and how bug-types like Dustox don't have long lifespans because they're BUGS (sad Guzma noises) and all that gucci stuff.

And also THE NAMES. I don't remember Connor's Pokemon's names in the OG (was the aron Ronnie???? I have to go look it'll drive me crazy LOL), but OH MY GOD THE RETURN OF PONTY. But, not just Ponty....PONTGOMERY. And the DESCRIPTION around him had me cackling. Pont supremacy. I would def guillotine people for him, yes I would.

Although, I did wonder why Connor's partnership with Rottenhat was only meant to be temporary. It felt implied that partnerships with the Starly line were always meant to be temporary, but I didn't quite understand why. I also don't understand why anyone would put that kind of energy into training one to be a 'mon capable of taking down Champions just to have it eventually fly off. I know Connor kinda thinks about that, but getting into the gritty of it, why would someone in his desperate situation, who needs a solid team to make it far in the circuit, even risk having such a (literal) flight risk? I would imagine he'd want a team that was way more concrete, and one he could trust that will take him far.

I know this was only a small moment, but I particularly enjoyed the moment where they ran into Cam. The whole exposition around him being the guy to beat because he came from a town that had the funding to put out talented trainers really helped solidify the kinda underdog position our main duo are in. He's the rich kid who has it all and is the fiercest competitor in the game and they're the busted ghetto kids who are trying to get up to his height. This is a matchup I LIVE for. That said, I REALLY would have liked to see some more interaction there. Maybe some dialogue to help drive home this little not-even-close rivalry they seem to have going on? I feel like you mentioned him for a reason (Chekhov's Gun my beloved) so just throwing in a little something something to make his appearance be more than Connor just dwelling on him would be helpful to introducing his presence.

Your descriptive prose continues to be stellar. Some of the similes and metaphors you manage to come up with boggle my fucking mind and have me taking notes. It's so dense and rich, I felt like I came out of these chapters a little more refined. However, with such a dense writing style, I feel like it might do the work some overall good to focus on dialing it back just a smidge. However 2.0, this might just be a me problem so you can elect to take this with a grain of salt. I personally don't do very well with long wordy sentences, even more so if they're back to back and making up really concentrated paragraphs. I have ADHD brain so when I start getting into metaphor and simile-rich paragraphs with long sentences, I start to lose track of what I'm reading and what I'm supposed to be picturing. As a result, I'll almost lose my place in the story and have to backtrack to re-root myself in what's happening, and sometimes, I find that not much has really progressed. We're just focusing on one thing at a time. This happened quite a bit throughout chapter 1 and the chapter 2 dream sequence (though I'm willing to let the latter off because it was dream sequence so it was likely meant to be that kind of trippy). Again, your prose is very descriptive and colorful, and it's something I look up to immensely, but I feel like its used in such excess that it makes some areas a little difficult to keep up with for someone like me who needs short and snappy.

I hope that one bit of crit doesn't detract from how much I've enjoyed this so far. I'm really happy to see you posting this rewrite, and I hope to see more chapters in the future. I'll be back for chapter 3 very soon, and happy blitz my friend!
 

Sinderella

Angy Tumbleweed
Staff
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. sylveon-shiny
  2. gothitelle
  3. froslass
  4. chandelure
  5. mimikyu
YAAAAAAAY A FLORENCE POV CHAPTER EXCITING!!!

Wow, okay, I wasn't expecting this based on the end of chapter 2, but I'm also.....not shocked. Based on the dream sequence he had, I'm not surprised at ALL that whatever overtook him (feels like Darkrai. When in doubt it's probably fucking Darkrai) totally knocked him on his ass and essentially put him in a coma. I actually really liked the jump between his seemingly cyclical dream moment and Florence's POV of looking at him zip-tied to a bed in a hospital. Like, WOOF bro, that is fucking rough. I also enjoyed how we kinda get glimpses as to what happened in the aftermath of all of that through Florence's dialogue and recollections of how Connor was found, etc. There's a lot of dramatic irony at play here too, like, WE know what happened, Florence doesn't really know but infers Connor wasn't doing anything nefarious, and everything else is.....well, all I can say is fuck those cops, man. Like, really.

We only saw them for a couple of paragraphs but man, Stirner and Ballard are a piece of fucking work. The way I ROLLED MY EYES when Pont was simply standing next to them ruffling his feathers and suddenly it was "Control your Pokemon or I'm gonna sic my fully evolved arcanine on it." Like ugh how did you manage to capture the entire essence of dirty, power-hungry cop into one chunk of paragraphs. Like, they never outright said they were going to arrest Florence or do anything bad to her, but the fucking subtext I was picking up from their dialogue and body language had my goddamn skin crawling. I have an exceedingly bad feeling that is not the last time we're going to see them, and I have a doubly exceedingly bad feeling they're gonna try to pin something on Connor. Do not like. Eat them.

I do appreciate that Florence went to go see Ronnie and Rottenhat. I really like how Ronnie in particular was depicted in this chapter; that level of animalistic-yet-kinda-intelligent really came through in this chapter. I also like the concept of Pokemon Center nurses just kinda being animal tamers/animal boarders in a way? Like the level of actual realism in this story so far is so stacked and fits so well into the Pokemon world without entirely detracting from the fact that its style a fantastical world with cats that could singe your dick off your body if they wanted to. I know I keep gushing about it but like really, I love it.

Also, oh??? Clancy's coworker....can't get out of bed??? Seems like Florence and I had the same thought, might it be related to what happened to Connor?? Little hints I'm picking up on......

The prose in this chapter was comparatively a lot easier to follow! I felt like you struck a good balance of your very eloquent descriptors and giving information in a more snappy fashion. Also, the injected bits of deadpan comedy were INSANE, especially during the confrontation with Stirner and Ballard. Florence's little interjected thoughts about how she wanted to kill them, then burn down the building, then go at them with wire cutters was so *chefs kiss* I love how those off-kilter lines just seamlessly blended with the exposition too, like, your voice simply did not crack to get those in there. Bravo.

I think my only real bit of crit is more around how Connor's doctor was advising Florence not to look into what was ailing him. Not because they said not to look into it, but because I FULLY expected Florence to go look into it. Maybe I have a poor understanding of her character so far, but she seems really distraught about what has happened to Connor, so I was a little surprised that she didn't immediately dismiss the warning and try to dig up stuff on her own accord? Especially because I inferred she understands the implications of contacting the sleep doctor in Canalave (where the spooky Darkrai house is, huhuhuhuhu you're not slick /affectionate) so I feel like knowing that, she would want to get specifics on her own? But I could also parse a world where she's just so Mentally Exhausted where she's just like "yeah okay." But if that was the case, that didn't necessarily really come through in the narrative, it's just something I started to infer based on what I was reading. So I'd have liked to have seen that made just a bit more clear, maybe.

All in all, this was probably my favorite chapter so far. HOW ARE THERE ONLY THREE THO WHERE IS THE REST????? GUD FIC PLEASE UPDATE 🤍
 

slamdunkrai

bing.com
Pronouns
they/them
Partners
  1. darkrai
  2. snom
waheyyy thanks for the blitz reviews :) they coincided with me going into editing mode on the prologue/chapter one, funnily enough; that one's been revised a bit. here're some responses while I'm here:

so I figured that I’d dip in with a review of your story’s Prologue [...] I’d heard the name of that story thrown around a bit, though I was envisioning something pretty different from your cover art.
haha, I'm honoured you were envisioning anything at all! :P for what it's worth, I'd say the cover is a little more obviously representative of the story than the prologue -- which isn't entirely a non-sequitur, mind you; the cowboy will appear again later, but he's not the protagonist of the story and nor is it really about him (and, sadly, the "main" part of the story will be in third person limited for a while... I've gotta get a little weirder about that sometime :P). in that regard, your review was really helpful! truth be told I'd been in two minds about how the prologue was structured and written for a bit; seeing your interpretation of it helped me to decide that it was probably in need of a revision to clarify a few things. (I mean, it's deliberately been a little obtuse in all versions so far and the one I ended up replacing it with is no different, but I felt I could do more work to establish the angle I wanted to approach it from.)

...which is not to say that your kind words are unappreciated, of course! I'm glad you ultimately found it a very promising read, and I'll try my best to respond to as much of your commentary as I can in further detail:

Wounded Man: “Um. Hello? Are you actually going to do something here or just let me die?” >_>;
we LOVE indifference to suffering in this strange nethervoid

Oh. This is Volo, isn’t it? Or else someone descended / related to him.
good eye! maybe, maybe not, but the connection is there; I'll say the resemblance is deliberate and leave it at that. (although the specific relationship between them is part of why I ended up redoing it, LOL)

Another long paragraph that probably works better as two
yeah, that's a salient point. I think my stylistic approach to this one hamstrung the paragraph structuring a few times. >_>

We’re in the Distortion World right now, aren’t we?
good catch; stick a pin in that one!

Oh hi Giratina. I mean, I was starting to suspect it about 10 paragraph ago, but this more or less confirms it.
I enjoyed your guesswork trying to figure this one out, but that's another part of why I ended up going back to revise it. it's actually just a spiritomb! although this specific one may or may not be more learned than most on the distortion world and its guardian dragon...

The prose is smooth and you have a good sense of atmosphere to this piece and it does a pretty good job at getting the reader hooked for the future, even if I’d be surprised if things constantly felt this ominous and foreboding throughout… but hey, only one way to find out.
they don't, for the most part; this is at its core a Sinnoh journeyfic, just with a few quirks about it. chapter one is more conventional and a little lower in stakes. don't worry about everything after that. :V nonetheless -- glad the prose worked well for you! I honestly thought it was a little janky there; if you do end up rereading the revised prologue should you come back to this again in blitz, I hope you end up just as satisfied. (no pressure if you don't! I can't see it changing your experience of the plot all that much, at least not for a while.)

ALRIGHT SO BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH MY BOY (AND GIRL). But, first, the prologue. I'm trying to recall bits and pieces of what I remember of the OG HSC and somehow this both fits that vibe exactly yet feels completely different. I remember the OG having a pretty spacey opening that left me like ?????????? and this delivered the same kind of feeling, but multiplied time 6000.
glad to hear it! aside from introducing certain plot elements (don't worry about it. it's fine) I most wanted to try and open the story on that note without breaking the pacing and having, y'know, thousands of words of meandering to commence the story before a picture of the world is really really painted.

This is the part where I ask, in fear, if the dying man was Connor. :kekw: Don't answer that....yet
unknown.png


I vividly remember in the OG that their whole thing was that they were 2 of 3 trainers to come out of Snowpoint and that they had a lot of underdog energy, but the added notion about their funding being cut, and Snowpoint allegedly being a more Projects-y, low-income area is like SHEESH. Adds to the stakes TREMENDOUSLY.
you have PLA to thank for a lot of this, hehe; that's obviously the main reason why I ended up going back for the rewrite (and why it ended up being so extensive!), but it forced me to engage with what I think was one of the weak points of the earlier version: it all felt a little aimless and ungrounded in anything. it didn't really explain much about who these two were, and I thought that I should make the story a little more about how these two relate to the world that they inhabit. (what this entails will come up more prominently in later chapters! :V)

Even with that spin more toward being animal-like, there is still an air of intelligence to them that gets the point across that they're still not quite just regular animals. They can still do some crazy shit that standard parakeets and house cats can't do.
they're characters too, in their own right! they're always a little inscrutable to the sensibilities of the trainer, I think; they're big magic creatures who are also kinda pets, kinda travelling companions, and most crucially they're most of the talent -- what even is a trainer without their pokémon, really? -- so it's only fair that they get to have their own interiority that the trainer both has to try to understand and respect. there are some things that get lost in communication given the species boundary, to say nothing of the inherent power imbalance of the dynamic; I figure Connor and Florence are pretty tuned into this, given that they're more acutely aware how much they owe to their 'mon for their position in society.

Although, I did wonder why Connor's partnership with Rottenhat was only meant to be temporary. It felt implied that partnerships with the Starly line were always meant to be temporary, but I didn't quite understand why. I also don't understand why anyone would put that kind of energy into training one to be a 'mon capable of taking down Champions just to have it eventually fly off. I know Connor kinda thinks about that, but getting into the gritty of it, why would someone in his desperate situation, who needs a solid team to make it far in the circuit, even risk having such a (literal) flight risk? I would imagine he'd want a team that was way more concrete, and one he could trust that will take him far.
yeah, that's on me for not communicating this one better; it's more that Connor probably doesn't have the time or money to care for all of his pokémon once the circuit is over and done with, and he wrestles a little more than he'd like to admit with the impermanence of his partnership with his team outside of Ronnie (in addition to his own fears that he's not doing enough to cater to the needs of his team). similarly, I'd imagine most trainers who get particularly far on the circuit -- like in the games -- are catching more than just six pokémon throughout the course of their adventure; given how finite resources often are, this naturally means that some members of the team end up leaving mid-journey and others take their place. I probably mixed up those two distinct points a little too much, though; hopefully that's been amended in the rewritten version... it's something I should take more time to explore later in the story without really rushing it so much.

However, with such a dense writing style, I feel like it might do the work some overall good to focus on dialing it back just a smidge. However 2.0, this might just be a me problem so you can elect to take this with a grain of salt. I personally don't do very well with long wordy sentences, even more so if they're back to back and making up really concentrated paragraphs.
reasonable! I was honestly dissatisfied enough with how cluttered everything read when I revisited the chapter initially that I just ended up redoing it so as to try and alleviate this issue as much as I could; at times it just felt like I was farming the wordcount for no real reason, compressing as many ideas as I could into a short space without doing justice to any of them. hopefully the revised version fixes that issue a bit

Based on the dream sequence he had, I'm not surprised at ALL that whatever overtook him (feels like Darkrai. When in doubt it's probably fucking Darkrai)
wow, just because of the cover, everything I say about the story, and my general personality, it's darkrai? smh

Like ugh how did you manage to capture the entire essence of dirty, power-hungry cop into one chunk of paragraphs. Like, they never outright said they were going to arrest Florence or do anything bad to her, but the fucking subtext I was picking up from their dialogue and body language had my goddamn skin crawling.
haha, I'm really glad I managed to get that vibe across; I really did go back and forth on whether or not they were too insignificant or too cartoonish, so it means a lot to know I nailed that vibe. they're the sort of guys who know they have little oversight and insist upon maintaining the town's outwardly friendly, peaceful veneer by any means necessary -- and that illusion only really exists because Floaroma's a pretty small town where everyone knows each other already and everything not known to its inhabitants is treated with distrust. they're honest when they say they want to keep Floaroma safe, I think; it's just their idea of safety is built on pre-existing power structures that exclude certain types of people whenever it's convenient.

I do appreciate that Florence went to go see Ronnie and Rottenhat. I really like how Ronnie in particular was depicted in this chapter; that level of animalistic-yet-kinda-intelligent really came through in this chapter. I also like the concept of Pokemon Center nurses just kinda being animal tamers/animal boarders in a way? Like the level of actual realism in this story so far is so stacked and fits so well into the Pokemon world without entirely detracting from the fact that its style a fantastical world with cats that could singe your dick off your body if they wanted to. I know I keep gushing about it but like really, I love it.
really delighted to hear this! :) absolutely over the moon to know that this does come across as a world where these strange animals can do so much and have so many people who care for them

I think my only real bit of crit is more around how Connor's doctor was advising Florence not to look into what was ailing him. Not because they said not to look into it, but because I FULLY expected Florence to go look into it. Maybe I have a poor understanding of her character so far, but she seems really distraught about what has happened to Connor, so I was a little surprised that she didn't immediately dismiss the warning and try to dig up stuff on her own accord? Especially because I inferred she understands the implications of contacting the sleep doctor in Canalave (where the spooky Darkrai house is, huhuhuhuhu you're not slick /affectionate) so I feel like knowing that, she would want to get specifics on her own? But I could also parse a world where she's just so Mentally Exhausted where she's just like "yeah okay." But if that was the case, that didn't necessarily really come through in the narrative, it's just something I started to infer based on what I was reading.
no, yeah, that's fair; I hadn't really considered that too much. I wanted to show that she is pretty down about the whole thing and her immediate response is to go "ah, crap, what about the circuit? how will this affect our living and training situation", so it's good to know that doesn't necessarily come across. I'd honestly planned for her to start digging in a chapter or two (because, you know, she is pretty beat up about all this, and she's not the sort to take it lying down) but I was kinda worried about that for pacing reasons? good to know that it would be welcome here, though; it would make a lot of sense for her to start hunting for leads a little more immediately. that's something I'll have to keep in mind when I'm working through future chapters and/or making edits to this one. cheers for this, and I'm very glad you enjoyed the chapter/fic otherwise! more updates will be coming uhhh once I've got a job basically : 'D
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
  9. porygon
I’ve seen it all I’ve seen it all; every so often some poor soul will tell you they know everything there is to know like they’ve scouted out every angle and consulted every source and unearthed every secret in all the world but I believe I speak with authority when I say that I have seen it all: there is nobody else like me not anywhere,
Me: Oh I think you forgot a period this is a run on sentenc- Oh... Oh.... OH
I have to say, that prologue was incredible. I think as a prologue its definitely an improvement on the one I (failed to, sorry) beta for you some time ago. It's shorter, yet more confusing in a reasonable way, and memorable. I both made some sense and made exactly zero sense, but I could also at some points grasp an idea of what was going on.
some would tell you that I can’t speak in first person singular I am a sentence divisible by twelve: I came here centuries ago long before anyone else did before anyone else even knew I planted my flag here so it’s mine dammit mine,
In particular this bit grabbed my attention. My brain:

14608107_1180665285312703_1558693314_n.jpg

HMMMM divisible by twelve + mysterious entity??? 108 spirits is divisible by 12 so Spiritomb??
Of course upon reading the entire prologue its all but confirmed in a rather roundabout way. Given its shortness I think its effective at being extremely mysterious and fun. Almost feels a little Homestuck-y, in a good way. I bet there's a lot of obscure details or bits in there that are going to prove relevant later in ways we can't imagine. Might be fun to revisit in several chapters.

I'm glad you also shortened this and opted to go all in on the vibes. If it was any longer it might be grating but it works here.

Connor always insisted he didn’t have much cause to complain about how things had gone. Sure, he’d worked himself to sickness in and out of school, juggling his grades with one hand and his savings across four years of part-time retail work with the other; it all paid off when he got his scholarship to join this year’s Sinnese gym circuit, one of two hundred rookie trainers and one-third of the Snowpoint caucus by himself.
The simile (I think thats the word lol, forgive me my brain is a little slow tonight) here of juggling grades and savings is delightful. its effective and flows nicely when read.
That said I did find this opening sentence a bit long! It felt to me like the sort of thing that could be split perhaps.

Anyways, I am a sucker for character motivations, as that tends to be the first thing I look for in a fic. Especially any kind of journey-esque fic. Why are they doing this, what are they doing, what drives them. Something deeper than simply 'be champ'. And while I expect to learn more about a character or watch motivations change, I am so glad that right off rip the story wastes no time telling us exactly who Connor is what he's trying to achive.

The setup both shows us his goal and works in subtextual worldbuilding. We know that this Sinnoh is distinct from a setting like games or anime, which either explain little or seem to have fewer barriers. It shows us a bit of grimmer situation that training is not for the faint of heart and not many make it far. Absolutely love it as an opener.
She had no real say in dealing with people like him and every other trainer all day, he thought; he could hardly begrudge her for making the most of her downtime.
Bless Connor for being the kind of person who gets it. Reading at a desk isn't bad
Once all the prep was done, they wished each other luck and then set timers for the next seven hours. Connor retreated into routine like a comfortable cloak and opted to let his instinct take control; overthinking was the silent killer of many a trainer.
Holy smokes seven hours? To be fair that makes sense (heck, a work shift is 8) but that really puts into perspective how hard training a team is.
Rottenhat, on the other hand, perched on a branch in Connor’s eyeline. He kept the staravia’s pokéball on hand ready for a swift return just in case he decided to attack the countless bugs, which was always a possibility. Pont and Elsie rested at Florence’s side in an uncharacteristic quiet and stillness, while her other pokémon — her dustox, Bimpton III (more commonly Bimp; there had not been a Bimpton I or II, to his knowledge) — absent-mindedly crawled up a tree and chewed up its bark.
These names are exquisite oh my gosh lol
Galaxy Energy did all it could to prevent the loss of any drilling permits on stolen land for the multinational corps with which it rubbed arms, and the incumbent premier had opted not to push back against Sinnoh’s state-owned energy corporation — but when it came to signing off on a nuclear fission research project with Hoennese scientists, Galaxy nixed the whole thing; they said it wasn’t in Sinnoh’s best national interests for diplomatic, economic or cultural reasons.
Galaxy Energy eh? :unsure: Sus
She’d appeared in front of him at some point — had she seen him almost black out? He felt the chill of the wind on his back all of a sudden; he tried to check the time but couldn’t make heads or tails of it
Uh oh spaghettio! Something tells me this is a dream, or a vision, or something else going on, given how he seemed to perhaps blackout earlier?

Its common apparently that in a dream you can't read watch faces (supposedly), so that could be a fun clue. And might explain why he is less freaked out about apparently blacking out than I expect someone might be.

That was a chonky first chapter (I am a hypocrite, Legendary Adventures usually is about 6k or more so...). I think all the information presented in it is meaningful though! We get a setup to Connor and Florence's characters and their motivations. We establish what brand of pokeworld this is set in, and a glimpse of what it takes to achieve such a goal. We also setup how training and moves work in this (they're more like commands than rigidly defined attacks it appears), and how pokemon behave in the wild and how they relate to trainers. On top of that we got some juicy fragments of worldbuilding and musing, which was nice.

From there we transition nicely into what seems to be a hook for some mysterious happenings.

Honestly all in all I think its really good in terms of what the story needs to setup and convey! The pacing was pretty good, flowing from smaller character interactions, branching more into the wider world, before honing back into plot. As far as those elements go I don't have any crit, I found them really good. Also I thought there was a delightful sprinkling of cheeky asides and nice similes and metaphors and the like.

Something I do find myself thinking about as a reader at this stage is that while its clear pokemon possess a level of intelligence (they understand enough to train, or language like 'return to ball?'), how much will their journeys play into the story? To be clear, this is not a criticism, as I don't believe every pokemon fic needs to have the pokemon as main characters. Sometimes they are, sometimes they are supporting cast. Its just something my brain mused on, as they appeared to be somewhat supporting here in some ways, while still being important to the story overall. I wonder if they'll be like pokemon in the anime, with their own arcs, or sort of supporting to how they interact with Connor and Florence.

I didn't get a super strong sense of character from Ronnie, for example, beyond 'Aron good boi'. Which is not at all a criticism, just an observation. (Also Ronnie IS the best boy). I definitely believe Connor takes good care of his pokemon regardless, and cares for them, which is the most important bit. I'll be curious to see what route the story takes wrt to the pokemon.

Also the focus on training in a grounded way, especially training Staravia with the lure was really cool! Do love me some falconry and I think thats a really fun approach to pokemon combat that suits the setting quite well.

My one crit I do have is something I'll save for the end bit.


Olive inhaled, exhaled, and nodded wordlessly. Her open-mouthed frown remained etched on her face, though that was only natural. Anyone forced to grow up in a family eventually realised how much of their happiness as a child came from the mirage that their parents were benevolent and invincible; a lot of adults gradually pieced it together, contextualising the good and bad within the whole after some inevitable life event. Connor frequently told himself that almost every child buries their parents sooner or later.
oohohoho spicy. Do I sense Connor projecting sympathizing a bit? Daddy issues? I am very curious about the story here
She’d long since disappeared, it seemed. He just hadn’t registered her absence. Ronnie blinked, then surveyed the area as if to ensure that his eyesight hadn’t fooled him; she was nowhere in sight, and in Connor’s hand there was a keycard for the Windworks that he couldn’t remember picking up or taking from anyone.
Perfectly normal, I am sure Connor is fine right now, nothing weird happening : )
He looked at the knife in his hand and ran it through the door in an effort to open it; his efforts were in vain, because knives opened things that were not doors. He tried to open the door with the keycard after attempting to give it a name — his own, for example, but that was hardly a name worth having; he gave up.
Oh yeah this was a great trippy line. Dream stuff can be hard to pull off but this bit in particular was great. Baffling in exactly the way dreams can be, where things are things, and some things are not.
Connor walked away and put his keycard against the door — no, that wasn’t right; he looked in his hand and it was the knife. The door opened. Connor turned around and saw the cowboy smile; his attention then fell on the large gaping wound beneath the cowboy’s right shoulder, which had gone red and oozed with liquid
I like that the dream begins to lose coherence the deeper(?) or further he goes.
Raising it up for closer inspection as if to confirm its contents, he swore an eye lay fixed on him. A head peered from over his shoulder.
For a second my brain went 'Darkrai?' but there's no evidence that it is
In the clean metal blade of the hunting knife that now lay in his hand
Interesting now that the knife has become a hunting knife. Its gone from simply knife to a specific kind. It seems symbolic, although its a bit beyond me yet what it could mean exactly.
It never quite settled on a true form, or at least not one that was entirely visible; it was almost a white equine figure with a mighty golden ring, but it was never quite ready to commit to that. It only thrashed in place while its skin peeled away into characters from all kinds of scripts — ones that were written every day and ones that now only lived on the earliest fragments of written poetry known to him.
Me, seeing the creator of all pokemon world and space time and existence unfolding beyond me in unfathomable ways:.... "So is it 'Ar-key-us' or 'Ar-see-us'?"

But seriously I am here for eldritch presence Arceus. Gives off almost Biblically accurate angel vibes here.
The creature’s pallid skin looked like unpainted marble covering the tremendous musculature of its digitigrade legs, which led into a slender torso and arms shaped not unlike a human body except for the purple sigmoid-like tail. Either this being had no biological need for much body fat or had not yet been afforded opportunity to build up ample reserves, though the tremendous core strength and faultless balance displayed here led Connor to assume the former; nevertheless, a clear gauntness underscored the stare of the wide feline eyes that fell upon him.
I spent a hot second wondering what pokemon this is. My brain was Sinnoh centric, so I assumed Palkia beofre realizing quickly that wasn't right, and at the last line I was like 'yeah nobody can possibly call Palkia feline' and I was trying to think of other Sinnoh mon but nothing fit, and then I thought Zeraora but I was like that doesn't match a thing (except plasma I suppose idk)

Then finally my brain was like, 'duh mewtwo'
“I,” said the creature with no muzzle movement, “am not me. I am deceit. The echo of another;
AHAH Mewtwo freal it seems

Wow that was heck of a trippy chapter. Lets see... As far as I can discern the entire chapter was a dream sequence. I think the dream started back in 1, when he blacked out and thought he woke up. As far as capturing the sensation of a dream/nightmare, I found it exquisite. The way the dream starts fairly coherent and with a singular focus, but then the further and further along it progresses, it grows more splintered and Connor's grip on reality crumbles more and more.

I also noted how the narrative voice (if thats what you call it?) or I guess, style of writing grew more and more kind of unhinged or detached. It really helped enhance that absolutely nonsensical dreamy feeling, while simultaneously being more terrifying than a usual dream. It seems Connor is more lucid here and both sort of aware and steadily less aware of whats going on, so its kind of spooky in a surreal way.
It's bit hard to tell exactly what the dream is about, but that may be by design, given how dreams be. I'll try to give my impressions of it and perhaps it will help you.

As far as I can discern, Connor slips into a dream and dreams about a girl named Olive, who lost her father at the Valley Windworks. This leads to some mix of anxiety and bringing up past trauma, particularly about his own father. Its unclear if Olive and the Windworks are manifestations of the dream or some degree of memory of the past, though I am leaning towards it being tied somehow to a memory of an event he experienced? Olive and her dad seem specific, so it feels more than random dream construct.

From there the dream begins to spiral as he attempts to enter the Windworks but loses his grip on the dream and himself, before having some kind of encounter with Arceus. Mewtwo also seems to appear here, so my guess is perhaps in this world, Mewtwo is immensely strong, strong enough even to challenge Arceus. One line mentioned it as if Arceus is in pain, so perhaps Mewtwo is planning to or actively harming Arceus?
I am not entirely sure how Connor specifically fits into this or why he's stumbled into this. Perhaps an unwitting vessel, or perhaps some kind of familial ties to it all?

Also there's a frequent mention of the 'cowboy' character, so I wonder how they all tie into this.

All in all it feels like a solidly intentionally confusing and trippy dream chapter. There's probably a ton of teases and foreshadowing that I can't connect dots to very strongly without a framework, but it does raise intrigue.

That said I think I found the dream a bit long. I spent some time considering this as I think there are probably a ton of details you wanted to pack in (and maybe a lot flew over my head?) so feel free to correct or ignore me. However It started to feel a bit repetetive in bits when I knew the dream was a dream pretty early, and it seemed the goal was perhaps to show off Arceus, Mewtwo, and the cowboy character, along with the slipping grasp on reality. More than once I rather unfortunately found myself wanting to speedread, as I felt like I 'got the point'. Though I still ended up reading it all, there's definitely bits I wasn't sure enahnced the story for me.

I'll admit I can be prone to missing stuff, so maybe I did. But I figured it would be worth mentioning that among other reasons, the length of it made my interest wane a bit. This could also be due to what I said above, that without a canon concrete framework, I can't really connect any dots yet. Whatever juicy tidbits are frontloaded here don't hold a lot of meaning yet.

This is all of course, pure personal opinion and I fully acknowledge my bias and slight preference towards clarity and less subtlety and shorter stuff. But in my head I see a version about 20-30% shorter, and more focus on the most important details.

All that aside I do think there's a really fascinating setup for a fic here! Connor, Floerence, their teams and this heck of a dream and possible impendending doom. Plenty of intrigue and chock full of details to chew on, and the sort of story where one can go back and reread to find hidden clues.

I decided to put this bit of crit seperate because its super personal bias/reader opinion, and not related to a particular chapter. Since you mentioned desiring any crit/opinions on what works and doesn't; I figured I'd share my opinion as a reader purely. I will preface that as I mentioned, I am the sort of reader who leans towards simplicity and clarity, and shorter sentences mingled with the occasional long ones. Anyways what follows is purely my personal vibe on it and by no means any kind of take I think to be universally true.

While a lot of lines and similes, metaphors and analogies in a vacuum were great, I did find the story itself a bit dense and oversaturated. Particularly in the first chapter and the latter half of chapter 2 (although I give a pass for trippy dream sequence maybe). A lot of sentences in general felt a bit long and esoteric, almost at times philosophical. There was more than one spot that felt like a point was made in more words than necessary. (One example is the bit where a pokeball is called a 'Miniature spherical transport carrier' which didn't do a lot for me in the grand scheme of everything).

Some bits worked fine (such as the introductory paragraph) but when the whole story utilized such a style it made some of the rest of it lose impact for me. Many times I'd have to pause reading, or turn away and do something else and come back. Or reread a paragraph twice. It unfortunately kind of made it the sort of fic where I want to read, but given my limited time and attention in daily life, would probably get backburnered simply due to the effort it takes to read a chapter.

I don't think any of this is bad. I believe there's absolutely an audience of people who'd be into a densely written pokefic thats explorative and packed with details for readers to chew on. And I think you do that fairly well, assuming that is your aim. Also I think if it's fun and engaging for you, and this is the story you want to tell, I don't want my words to stop you! Your writing is by no means bad or entirely incomprehensible.
Rather its quite good in many ways but with a higher threshold of accessibility (for me, at least!).

Again this is all purely bias, personal perception. Given the style I mentioned above I do genuinely believe anyone seeking this kind of fic would have a ball of a time with this. And honestly I definitely count myself as wanting to read it as well, so at the end of the day...

Gud fic pls update?
 
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Negrek

Abscission Ascendant
Staff
LETS GO ITS HALLWAY TIME

And I think that sums up this chapter pretty well, really. It may well be that the entirety of it was a dream or a hallucination, seeing as Connor was getting hella bad vibes off the Windworks even as of the end of last chapter, and Olive disappears under mysterious circumstances before Connor even has the chance to (attempt to) look in the windows of the place. As such, there's not a ton I can really say about what actually went on here. One way or another, it seems clear that Connor saw a drifloon, met our cowboy(!), encountered Darkrai, and either hallucinated/dreamed or encountered Arceus and Mewtwo. Reminiscent of the original story for sure, although I think you streamlined the Arceus/Mewtwo stuff quite a bit to get in more time with Olive and add the cowboy into the mix.

The aforementioned scene with Olive did perhaps drag a bit, I thought. Pretty much what Connor needs to do here is get a sense of what's going on and reassure the kid before moving on, and more than 1k words felt like a pretty generous amount of time to spend doing that. However, there was good stuff in this scene for sure--most notably Ronnie, who is in fact the goodest aron, truly best boy, and I love how you characterized him here, his body language and the adorable noises that he makes. It's going to be rough when he evolves and is no longer a cute little fella (unless... he gets big but stays baby?).

I also quite enjoyed Connor's feelings that as a trainer he has to help people, that it's a duty of his. (And, perhaps, some measure of important self-delusion, as he recognizes: the need to cling to the idea that he can help people, that he can control even his own team.) I continue to be super here for this story's examination of what it means to be a trainer.

Very intrigued to see the cowboy return here; it's nice that we're seeing ties into the prologue already, so there's a clear connection with Connor's story and it's not just Vague Shit We'll Get to Later. Who he is or what he has to do with anything remains unclear, but I did enjoy his reaction to Connor asking his name. So rude, Connor! You should know that names have power, and you shouldn't be asking them of any vaguely supernatural entity! smh, this guy actually trying to get answers over here...

From what I recall of the last version, the Mewtwo section in particular was much more explicit in that Connor had some role to play in cosmic events; this time around, he feels much more like an observer, finding himself confronted with these unsettling images but where the connection to he, personally, is much less clear. I don't know if your conception of Connor's/Mewtwo's role in the story may have changed, or if this is just a change in framing, but it does perhaps make this sequence feel a little more distant than the previous iteration. I'm pretty much getting that all is not right with Arceus, and that Mewtwo's somehow involved and probably not friendly. Beyond that, well... Darkrai is There. What it all means will probably need to come out at some later time.

I liked a lot of the repetitive elements that flowed through this scene: the key card and the knife and Connor's shifting understanding of what they meant, and the abundance of reflections throughout. These elements gave some coherence to what was otherwise a pretty disjoined series of images/experiences.

It's always hard to really assess whether dream sequences like these work well without the full context of the story. How much and in what way will this be relevant? How will this end up motivating Connor going forward? I don't think I have a good way of assessing that at this point. I enjoyed it, though, and the chapter went by good and quick for me despite it being a decent length. For sure you do a wonderful job of unsettlement and disorientation, of truly dreamlike imagery and atmosphere, and psychological horror. It was all well on display in this chapter!

In any case, it appears that there's an "under construction" sign preventing me from advancing to the next chapter, but do mention when you're done editing it! I had a lot of fun coming back to this fic, and I'd love to read more. Best of luck with all that rl stuff that's been getting in the way of your writing--super impressive that you got these chapters out despite that, but I wish you an easier time and more bandwidth to write in the future!

All she wanted was to find her father, which required him to look and — if he was in any peril — either engage the situation with his team or call upon someone more able than himself.
There was a little pronoun confusion for me here, "he" referring to both Connor and the father. Maybe something like "if the man was in any peril" instead?

It was his job to keep her happy and calm, to ensure her that nothing was amiss and to return her father at once.
I think you may have meant "reassure" rather than "ensure."

Ronnie prevaricated before pushing his head up into her hands, closing his eyes and trilling softly, and a smile — a glimmer of clarity, even — flashed across Olive’s face.
Not sure whether "prevaricated" is the word you want here. Ronnie acted evasive?

She’d long since disappeared, it seemed. He just hadn’t registered her absence. Ronnie blinked, then surveyed the area as if to ensure that his eyesight hadn’t fooled him; she was nowhere in sight, and in Connor’s hand there was a keycard for the Windworks that he couldn’t remember picking up or taking from anyone.
Excellent wham moment here. Got to this paragraph and it was just like, wow. this is fine

Connor looked into the window and saw himself: a mass of hair with eyes and a body.
Love this description.

The cowboy keeled over and then vanished into thin air in the blink of an eye, while Connor stood half inside the building and half inside it;
Maybe you meant half inside and half outside?

That was just an illusion, Connor told himself; now, the worst case scenario was that the Windworks were haunted.
oh buddy no. the worst case scenario is soooo much worse than that

These blizzards fell upon northern Sinnoh in winter with the absoluteness of a white guillotine
Quite like this description!

He screamed wordlessly on his hands and knees in the vain that it would have some sort of effect
In the vain *hope, perhaps?

Blood moved between his ears like protons in an accelerator.
This is a wonderful simile.
[/quote]
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, dropping in with a review as a late submission to my Reading Rookidee signup, and I suppose it was about time that I properly closed out your first post of story content review-wise:

Chapter 1

Connor always insisted he didn’t have much cause to complain about how things had gone. Sure, he’d worked himself to sickness in and out of school, juggling his grades with one hand and his savings across four years of part-time retail work with the other, but at least it all paid off in the end. He got his scholarship to join this year’s Sinnese gym circuit, one of two hundred rookie trainers and one-third of the Snowpoint caucus by himself.

He’d succeeded where almost a thousand others across the country had failed. The task now was simple: sweep the gyms before the year went out, make enough money out of it to save his ma from eviction, and use whatever he had left over to help pay for college.

This was obviously his only shot — not many of his colleagues would be back next year and barring a miracle he would not have the funds for a second attempt — but he preferred it to no shot at all; at least he still just about had a home, a supportive parent, his health, and a support network consisting of his childhood friend and his partner pokémon. All of these were better than nothing, and he’d walked the tightrope of the poverty line long enough to know that keeping this all intact was easier said than done.

This opening paragraph feels like it has a lot going on in it. Enough so that you should strongly consider hacking it up into a few smaller pieces. Also, I dunno if ‘Sinnese’ is a deliberate choice or not, or an artifact of it predating franchise developments, but ‘Sinnohan’ is the canonical denonym for ‘Sinnoh’ in the franchise as of the Alolagames.

He’d come to Floaroma alongside the rest of that network with the intent of staying for a couple of nights to train and rest his legs a little before concluding the long trek to Eterna, the second of his eight obstacles in his path towards meeting his needs.

Sitting on his bed, he watched from behind the curtains as the white sun rose towards its periapsis like an omen of the cold, bright Sinnese spring. It was less hostile than winter, threatening only gradual change and unfulfilled promise as opposed to hypothermia and frostbite, but its arrival still demanded that all its subjects come out of hiding. Connor’s qualms with that were strong and ideological in nature.

Oh, so Connor’s going on his journey with his family? Or at least I think that’s the implication there.

“Connor,” said Florence from the bed opposite as she scrolled through her phone, “is it just me, or has this kind of lost its novelty by now?”

“In what way?”

“I mean, this is just kind of our job now, isn’t it? And I’m glad we’ve got our pokémon along with us, absolutely; I know it’s a pretty massive privilege that we get to do this for the time being, and for my money there’s not really better company anywhere than the sort I’ve made in here. I’d even go as far as to say I love doing the work, I love the process; I don’t think you really get to do this if you’re not passionate and serious about caring for your pokémon. It’s just…”

I mean, just from what was described in the first paragraph of this chapter about the sort of pressure that Connor has heaped up on him for the scenario that he flames out sounds like it’d be an absolutely massive fun suck out of his journey and a recipe for stomach ulcers, so it’s hard to argue that Florence doesn’t have a point here.

She paused in place for a moment to figure out the precise direction her follow-up would take, as she often did; one of the things he’d most come to appreciate about her friendship was that she always tried to speak on her feelings with accuracy and precision. Once she’d found her point she looked up at him; her eyes were always disarming not just for their greenness but their clarity, standing out from her unbrushed curls like flowers in bougainvillea.

So Florence has green eyes, huh? Filing that one away. Hope that she doesn’t also have jealousy issues that come along for the ride, even if that’d potentially be a wee bit on-the-nose. ^^;

“It just feels like we’re running from something,” she continued, “like if we stop for a moment we’ll drown or get swallowed up. I mean, it’s the money, yeah, and I would like the money a lot; gods know you can’t really get HRT or surgery up in Snowpoint unless you go private, as much as I’d like to fix that.

[ ]

But it’s also, uh, I just… I wish we could spend a little more time just existing, really, you know? Not worrying about falling behind on the badge deadline or about making sure we can feed our pokémon,” she said. “if anything, you know, I wish we could just spend a little more time hanging out with them, getting to know them and stuff. Like what we’re doing now, you know. It’s nice, quiet. It doesn’t need to serve a purpose.”

Okay, so unless the idea is very deliberately that Florence is rambling or motor-mouthing all of this, it probably makes sense to explicitly have her stop and have a proverbial break at some point in her dialogue since… uh… yeah, that was a lot of continuous dialogue with no pauses there.

“Oh,” said Connor, “I just try to take the good with the bad; I make the best of what I can control and try to ignore what I can’t.”

Try was the operative word there, he thought out of instinct, but he digressed.

I just try to make the most of this and all those other little interludes where nothing happens,” he said. “I like taking as many as I can afford with you, and I’m lucky I can afford a fair few. There’s certainly worse ways to survive, and I mean, once we’ve really made a name for ourselves on the circuit we’ll have less to worry about financially and stuff. Besides, at least we’re not cooped up at home or on one of those oil rigs—”

I would suggest dividing this up a bit. And yeeeeeeah, I’d frankly be more surprised if these dreams didn’t come down crashing and burning into tears at some point in this story, since these two are putting a lot of eggs into one basket that basically requires a statistical miracle to pan out.

“You’re always such a fuckin’ optimist, man.” Florence craned her neck down and rested her head on her palm, her back forming a crescent. Connor always thought he could listen to her laughter for hours; she had a fantastic laugh, low, subtle and warm.

“Doctor’s orders,” he laughed back. “My happiness is clinically required.”

Whelp, I’ll be keeping an eye out on that if and when I get into future chapters of this story. Though it’s a simple but nice contrast between these two characters who I presume are meant to be siblings with one another.

“Well, you’ve got a point in any case,” she said, “and I guess I can’t argue if it’s for the sake of your health. But you get what I mean, though, don’t you? It’s not just me losing my mind?”

“Oh, absolutely; a lot of this is just boring, even more of it is nerve-wracking, and I’m terrified that, if we lose even one gym battle, we’re off the circuit,” Connor said. “I wish something exciting would happen along the way sometimes, or that something would really change my life a little to give it a more apparent sort of meaning than all this wandering around.”

[ ]

“but, I mean, that’s just how life is a lot of the time. The best thing we can do for ourselves is gradually build towards some kind of transformation, I tell myself, both in myself and in our circumstances; it won’t be immediate but so long as we keep at it, I like to think we’ll look back on this later, once it’s all gotten better, and we’ll realise it was just something minor in the grand upwards arc of our lives.”

This feels like another spot where Connor’s dialogue is long enough to merit dividing it up into two parts and have some small reaction or inner thoughts to space things out, especially since you already functionally do that with the hyphen already.

Satisfied with his little speech, he stretched out and leaned backwards, extending his joints to the furthest of their mobility to stay limber for the upcoming day. He glanced at the clock, which denoted there was only a few minutes left before the two had to set off to the gym and train. In his brief moment of vulnerability his dearest Ronnie, the aron Connor had known for about thirteen of his eighteen years, stretched onto all-fours and nuzzled his hard carapace into his trainer’s torso.

Oh, so Connor’s going to wind up with a rock dino sometime later in this story, duly noted. Though growing up with him through his entire childhood sounds like it must’ve made for cute moments when they weren’t busy worrying about how they were going to keep the roof on over their heads.

“There you go again,” said Florence, “talking about those grand upwards arcs. Honestly, it’s unbearable that you’re so… content with mediocrity. Didn’t anyone tell you? We’re all doing malaise now.”

Connor focused his gaze and hands on returning the affection to his other travelling companion; with his left hand he scratched the soft obsidian-pitched scales around the back of Ronnie’s head, which received a high-pitched rumble of contentment, while he ran his right one over the steely shell on Ronnie’s back.

I didn’t say we’re not,” he said in feigned exasperated self-defence, “I just said I try to be content — didn’t I, Ronnie? Oh, you’re such a sweetheart… malaise, though, is really useful. I feel it often, even; my life does kinda suck a lot of the time, I just try and branch out into other feelings when I can.”

Yeeeeeeah, I’ll heavily take the under on this guy taking things well when Darkrai ropes him into his problems. Since I dunno, I’m just hearing a lot of reasons right now to doubt how this guy would hold up under sustained stress and pressure.

Florence made a sound in her throat that sounded phonetically like ‘kvetch’, before losing interest and standing up; she zipped up her coat, ensured her pokéballs were all on her, and returned two of her pokémon from their lazing spots in the kitchen to their miniature spherical transport carriers.

Well, Connor, as much as I love you and as much as I’d love to stay and chat about nothing at all forever, I do have to concede that you’re right; we probably should get to work if we want this to go anywhere.”

“Good call; love you too. I think I’ve got everything on me,” he said, reaching through his coat pockets: “wallet, keys, pokéballs, water bottle, knife… lure, camping gear and food’s in my bag… well, Ronnie, do you think we’re ready to hit the road?”

Huh, Routes must be on the more rugged side in this setting, since I admittedly wasn’t expecting these two to have full on innawoods gear considering their implied money problems. Especially if they thought that they didn’t definitively need it.

Ronnie’s chirrup seemed as affirmative as any other response he could have had.

“And Pont,” said Florence to the piplup waddling and flapping at knee-height, “how are you feeling? …You want them beheaded, you say? Why, Your Highness, I don’t think—”

“No! He would never say that!”

“And the orphans? Well, Young Pontgomery, I think that’s a little extreme myself, but as your trainer and your steward it is my solemn duty to ensure your every need is met.”

699082306027126844.webp


Well, I see that Florence has a bit of a morbid sense of humor. Duly noted.

Florence opened the door and trailed out the room with the conversation, and Connor followed suit; their pokémon trailed behind, likely unaware of the elaborate structures behind this dumb bit and no worse off for it. He didn’t hate being dragged from his hiding place; the idea of existing in the world felt at least a little more bearable if he was allowed to indulge in the vice of a really terrible joke with no apparent punchline.

“Nooo…” he trailed down the corridor that led into the centre’s lobby. “Pont, you don’t believe in capital punishment; you’re a good little boy! This isn’t in your heart…”

Pont:
1laA_f.gif


At its heart, Floaroma felt less like a commune and more like a patchwork of a few streets differentiated only by the names and colours of their interminable greengrocers, cafés and florists. One place sold bicycles at a 50% discount to trainers with a valid rookie license; tragically for the frugal, Sinnoh’s mountainous terrain and long natural paths made this investment non-negotiable.

A ‘commune’, huh? So Floaroma is full of hippies in this fic?

The thin streets snaked outwards towards the town’s limits with houses that all shared the same aesthetic: white walls with plain roofs and fenced gardens, each containing precise flower arrangements showing that the prettiest parts of nature could be owned and bent towards the exact, unvarying needs of a homeowner’s association.

T
here were two schools in the town, a library, a leisure centre, and a temple intermingled with these residential zones, and. Further off, a few other small businesses that provided goods in less immediate demand than high street stores. The trains arrived on time at the station in the far north-east of town, while the long road west out of town snaked past the Windworks and rejoined the highways a few miles down the road; through all of this, the valley winds blew, and the sawmill off in the forest sang to the townsfolk through the trees.

Well that certainly sounds a lot more livable than the literal “five buildings” town from the Sinnoh games. Nice description there, even if I wonder if it’d have gone down a bit smoother cut up into smaller pieces.

There were probably worse places to get lonely in close proximity to a couple thousand identical souls, though there were more cost-effective ways of achieving that than paying these kinds of rents. On the other hand, Connor had no complaints at all spending just a few days in such close proximity to all this scenery. As far as his interests extended, the town’s pokémon training facilities lay across the street from Hollander Academy over near the train station; it didn’t take long to reach on bike, cycling through gradually shifting repetitions of the town’s monolithic rusticity. The receptionist was probably a couple of years older than him and half-focused on her book as she got the two trainers signed in for the day.

You actually never brought up how much was being spent on rent prior to this point. For the underlined, it might make more sense to say something like “the sorts of rents people asked for around here”.

Though I’m starting to wonder if this expansion is meant to take after a non-game depiction of Floaroma or else if it’s deliberately hinting at being some sort of AU or something like that.

“How’s the book?” Connor asked in an effort to fill the air while she signed their names down on the register. “Any good?”

“No,” said the receptionist without looking up, “just college stuff.”

“Ah.”

[ ]

“You’re all set, in any case. We close at 9; let the desk know when you’re done and we can sign you out.”

“Cool, thank you so much!”

The receptionist glanced up from her book to acknowledge him and nodded once before fixing her attention on her studies, which were hopefully more interesting. She had no real say in dealing with people like him and every other trainer all day, he thought; he could hardly begrudge her for making the most of her downtime.

It’s a bit on the nitpicky side, but I wonder if adding a little blurb of description or Connor’s inner thoughts would improve this sequence, since the back and forth felt a little “disembodied” to me.

The party headed up the stairs, down the corridor, and Connor got set up on one of four courts inside the main hall — Florence took the one on the opposite end of the room. He set his pokémon up between the jagged chalk lines that formed the boundaries of this little arena, made of slightly uneven clay that likely needed some resurfacing; this was hardly like those huge complexes that the pros and the big-name prospects trained in in Pastoria and Sunyshore, but he’d trained in similar or worse conditions all throughout school.

These were merely the facilities available to him. He could hardly complain. With Florence, he hauled out the requisite amount of straw dummies and mannequins armoured with used batting helmets and elbow-guards; they wheeled over the two spare pitching machines, one for each court, and mapped out every obstacle alongside every target to ensure an evenly-spread and consistently engaging workload for their partners.

Something something “long paragraph”, something something “enough ideas swirling around to justify two smaller ones”.

Once all the prep was done, they wished each other luck and then set timers for the next seven hours. Connor retreated into routine like a comfortable cloak and opted to let his instinct take control; overthinking was the silent killer of many a trainer.

Rottenhat came up first; he flew up to Connor’s falconry glove, which was thankfully just big enough to fit the newly-evolved staravia and did not require any costly upgrade, and in response Connor clicked his clicker with his free hand. He put the clicker in his coat pocket and knelt to the ground, slowly and carefully so as to not disturb the balance of his large bird with sharp talons for gripping tightly onto skittery ground-hugging prey.

H
e picked up the lure, textured and coloured vaguely like a bunneary attached to a line, and swung it out into the open air between the walls of the cheap gym building. Rottenhat tore through the air with his talons outstretched and pointed, knife-sharp, at his target; they glowed bone white with elemental energy as he seized it in a matter of seconds, then brought his tango partner down to the floor with such momentum that it almost tugged the line out of Connor’s grip.

For his effort, Connor summoned the scraggly teenage hunting machine with back to the glove and rewarded him with a chunk of the filleted magikarp Connor had bought and prepared the other night.

Huh, so Connor’s Pokémon are all in the equivalent of the low-to-mid-teens for leveling, huh? Or at least I think that that’s the implication from the blurb about Rottenhat being newly evolved.

Connor repeated this in variations throughout the session, moving between the lure and stationary targets while trying out different angles or methods of attack: rising towards the lure, falling towards it, coming at it from the side, grabbing it and bringing it to the floor, grabbing it and then letting go, slashing at it, attacking it with wings, blowing it away with gusts of wind, attacking different vulnerable parts of each dummy, slashing with talons, crushing with beak. with

Each repetition was adjusted to hone Rottenhat’s mechanisms or a specific one of his attacks where necessary. He knew what wing attack, aerial ace, protect, swift, and air slash all meant as commands and could execute each one reliably and consistently; he just needed some help fine-tuning his tempo and flight mechanics so as to expend no unnecessary energy and spend no more time vulnerable than needed.

Okay, not that I don’t get the point of emphasizing repetition of little actions to hammer home for Rottenhat for how to into different Pokémon moves, but I do wonder if you needed to spell out eleven different actions in a continuous list. Since… yeah, you’d think that even three to five would’ve driven the same point home while being a bit less long-winded.

Through it all, Connor found himself unable to escape the feeling that he’d lucked himself into befriending and working with such a fantastic bird. He’d come from the wild as opposed to a specific breeding program, and Connor had only been his partner for about a month now, but Connor swore he had a real natural talent that would serve him well on the circuit.

He often wondered whether Rottenhat ever understood any of his gratitude, let alone reciprocated it; he always tried to keep his pokémon out of their pokéballs whenever necessary to allow them to live a little more like the animals that they were, to let them know that they could return to the wild if they ever felt that was what they preferred. There was always that species barrier, far greater than a mere cultural or linguistic one, that would guarantee something always got lost in translation despite their bond.

Yeeeeeeah, I can already see how that mindset is going to wind up causing problems for Connor once he starts having Darkrai encounters.

Once all was said and done, Rottenhat would eventually return to the wild anyways; it would be easier for Connor and likely healthier for the bird in the long run. Connor just hoped to give him shelter, food and training in exchange for his temporary service, so that he would one day become a mighty staraptor and live a lengthy, fulfilling life with a mate in the wild. Many young starlies did not survive in the wild, after all, and even the ones who evolved were not guaranteed to do so again. He told himself that this was ethical and in fact a service to Rottenhat so long as he did all he could as a trainer.

He just couldn’t tell if he lived up to these promises even half as much as he hoped.

Connor, if you have to ask the question, you’re almost certainly not living up your promises anywhere close to as much as you hoped to. Though I knew that there was something side-eye-y about Connor’s general outlook as a trainer. Even if I suppose that explicitly being in this for the money surely can’t help things.

Afterwards, there was time for a quick break, then his focus turned to working on Ronnie’s offence — close-quarters combat, ranged attacks, elemental attacks, traps. Iron tail, heavy slam, metal claw, rock tomb; stealth rock, rock polish, screech, even some more work getting shock wave right. The little guy beat the ground with his forelimbs, focused hard — closed his eyes — but the ball of electricity crackling over his head always dissipated in a second or two every time. After twenty minutes, Connor decided he’d tried hard enough and called him over for pets, headscratches and treats. Ronnie doddled over with his head hung low and eyes half-shut like sad half-moons.

Another spot where I kinda wonder if you could’ve gotten away with providing a shorter list while selling the overall idea of “Ronnie practiced a bunch of his moves, including some of his weirder ones”.

“Hey, don’t worry,” said Connor with Ronnie’s big head wedged tightly between his arms, “you’re doing fantastic! You made really good progress with everything else today, and we all start somewhere… don’t worry about it. We’ll get it eventually, hey?”

I’m sorry, but how many days have you just been grinding moves like this again, Connor? Since while your reassurances aren’t necessarily wrong, you do have the little matter of paying rent on a tight budget looming over your head, so that presumably puts a bit of a timer on things.

Ronnie perked up about it, chirping and purring with his head held higher as their little break drew to an end — then more work on defence for the two pokémon for the remainder of the session: dodging and deflecting balls from the pitching machine launched at a variety of speeds and angles, over and over until the two got into good patterns with consistency and ease like little tapdancers choreographing as they went.

Connor watched with pride, chest puffed out and arms triangular at each side, when the timer on his phone went off before he could call for a sparring session. Florence had stressed the importance of knowing his limits, not just for his own sake but for that of his pokémon. He equivocated for a moment, conscious that there was always more to do, before turning to Florence and deciding to wrap things up on her schedule. He’d have to make up for the lost sparring once they were in Eterna and ready to train in two days’ time — the sky had already gone dim and blood orange to signify that today was at its end.

Damn. That was a really fast seven hours there. Though I suppose that the setup pulled off the vibe of time flying by effectively enough.

The debrief was the same as usual: effervescent, non-stop praise for the two pokémon as they worked away on their treats. Connor explained that he had all the reason in the world to be grateful that his pokémon stuck by him and kept working hard, because he would be nothing without their help. He gave Ronnie another hug and ran the back of two fingers down Rottenhat’s crest, which was as much affection as Rottenhat enjoyed — his brain wasn’t wired that way.

He closed his eyes and squawked like a chew toy. That was reciprocation in his own way, Connor supposed as he grinned despite himself. He put everything back where he’d found it with Florence just as a janitor came in; they each bade him a great night, and he returned the gesture.

I wonder if this is just a difference in species behaviors or if there’s distinct differences between how Pokémon originating from the wilds versus ones born in captivity behave with regards to accepting affection from their trainers.

Outside the hall, the two trainers exchanged their usual post-work niceties . she Florence felt just as satisfied with her progress as he did; they were both ready for the fight against Gardenia, they just needed to keep fresh and sharp in the run-up to the match, and by the way, they’d both lucked out with their search for flying-type pokémon; Elsie, her murkrow, was fantastic — while they headed back through the hall. The receptionist, who was still on shift somehow, was in the midst of a long, seemingly terse conversation with Cam Hendricks and his hulking luxio.

Florence winced a little on instinct, then played it off like a sneeze.

I smell a rival for these two. Let’s see how fast that winds up panning out.

Consensus both in print and online had Cam Hendricks ranked as the second best trainer among this year’s crop of rookies. He was as safe a bet as they came; the training program over at Sunyshore Regional churned out disciplined, versatile trainers at the same rate as the city’s giant factory churned out microchips, and he finished as the highest scorer in his class.

His dad was an executive at a software engineering firm, with enough connections and wealth to pay for lessons in Kanto and Kalos over summer. The Pokétch Company gave him a top-of-the-line smartwatch to model with an eye for an ad deal a year or two down the line; his battle uniform had sponsorship patches from a printer company and some health food start-up. If anyone would become the first rookie to beat Volkner in four years, one columnist had written, Cam was almost the safest bet there was.

Yeah, this guy is going to be a total douche, I can already tell.

Connor had almost beaten him once at the round of 16 in a regional U-14 tournament a few years back. Each trainer worked with rental pokémon; Connor swore he had him on the ropes up two-against-one. Maybe if he’d called his toxicroak to attack Cam’s milotic more aggressively, maybe if he tried to bide his time a little more in that final stretch until the poison had worn down the glorious, mighty sea serpent, their lives would have turned out a little different. Yes, Cam was always going to become a big deal, but Connor didn’t even have a battle uniform, let alone sponsorships.

I can already sense the seething jealousy just rolling off in waves right now.

Now they were in the same room, and the receptionist had given up on politely trying to explain to Cam that the facilities were about to close for the night, while Cam insisted that he was only going to be an hour or two and that he’d clean up after himself. It wasn’t a big deal, he kept saying. That receptionist didn’t get paid enough for this.

“Let’s go do something else,” Florence whispered. “You wanna get dinner?”

Florence, you’re supposed to quietly pull Connor away and then bring that up after you’re out of earshot so Cam doesn’t hear you.

Connor nodded wordlessly and headed to the door to get some air while Cam’s thick, ballooning silence swallowed the room and overwhelmed its inhabitants. His plan seemed to constitute an impossible kind of magic, born from a desire to substitute the cold, hard reality of the facility’s operating hours with the atemporal world he wished to inhabit by force of sheer willpower.

Huh, well, lucky break there, then.

Night fell over Sinnoh in increments; the last vestiges of sunlight faded and conversations across most official channels slowed to a halt. Nothing really replaced either of them save for creaking bugs and a wind chill caught in transition — too amicable for desolate Januaries, at least, but still far less jovial than the evenings in summer. The two trainers found a little part of the meadow in which to sit and steal a little fragment of time. They ate their pre-packed sandwiches, which had long since gone cold, and spoke at length with a distinct absence in meaning. Absence came in many forms with nightfall, after all.

A group of combees finished their work for the day amidst the ash trees and conifers over at the other side of the clearing, beyond the ornate floral compositions cordoned off by rope; their presence, when noticed, halted the idle chatter.

By gods,” Florence said, breathless. She took out her camera and grabbed a few pictures with the flashed turned off. “Look at them. They’re working so hard, aren’t they?”

Boy I sure hope those Combee aren’t territorial there.
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They gathered their nectar and honey in tight communion with one another, each individual packed into a set of three and shaped in a honeycomb structure that allowed each unit to form a hive structure. They all inhabited the same wavelength, communicating wordlessly beyond the faint hum of their wings in unison. Each individual harboured countless secrets, Connor thought, and each was ceaselessly complex in its own right.

H
e’d heard of combees making surprisingly lively and determined pokémon, popular among novice bug keepers. The sum total of relationships between each member of the hive likely contained more information than he would ever know.

I can’t tell whether or not that’s meant to be a cute observation or a hint that Connor and Florence are fairly socially isolated. .-.

“That’s awesome,” said Connor. “Wow. Yeah, they’re fantastic.”

“Aren’t they just? Aren’t they just — oh, holy shit, look.”

All of them stopped in the air and fell into a giant formation across space as their monarch emerged from the shadows in the woods. Connor had never actually seen a vespiquen in person before; he took out his phone and quickly logged her with the pokédex app on his phone before resuming. She carried herself in such a stately manner; her wings took up far more space and buzzed considerably louder than those of her drones, while her bulky abdomen formed a hexagonal structure similar to a ball gown in shape and a little airship in its bulky, imposing nature.

That’s where she keeps all her larvae,” Florence whispered, “and it’s more like a honeycomb structure than a dress… but isn’t she so elegant? And look at those big eyes, that jewel on her head… what a specimen. Oh, she’s wonderful…”

Um, guys? Aren’t Vespiquen the members of its line that are the most territorial and aggressive? You might want to put a bit more space between yourself and her. ^^;

Connor did not think it was worth saying or doing anything except smiling sincerely at his enraptured friend as she stared at the vespiquen, who either did not know either of them were there or did not care in the slightest. He didn’t mind that at all, nor it didn’t seem to affect Florence’s undying admiration in the slightest. The world would have been a much more boring place to experience, Connor thought, if viewed solely through the relationship each of its constituents had with him — both real and hypothetical.

Sure, training a combee or even a vespiquen would have been nice, but right now he didn’t need it, nor did these ones seem to have any interest in approaching or working with him. He was just glad he wasn’t disturbing them, if anything.

Alright, so what genius from the gang is going to wind up antagonizing the bees? Since this feels like it’s rapidly heading in that direction.
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His pokémon both sat alongside him; Ronnie sat with his head on his trainer’s lap, staring off at the hive with a mild apprehension concealed somewhat by the width of his eyes and the natural curiosity they always seemed to contain. Rottenhat, on the other hand, perched on a branch in Connor’s eyeline. He kept the staravia’s pokéball on hand ready for a swift return just in case he decided to attack the countless bugs, which was always a possibility. Pont and Elsie rested at Florence’s side in an uncharacteristic quiet and stillness, while her other pokémon — her dustox, Bimpton III (more commonly Bimp; there had not been a Bimpton I or II, to his knowledge) — absent-mindedly crawled up a tree and chewed up its bark.

“This is all pretty wonderful,” he finally said, not fully voluntarily. “I mean, all of this; just hanging out with you and watching the world pass by. It always is. But that vespiquen… wow…”

“Hey,” she replied, nudging him, “you’re not so bad yourself.”

Huh, at first I thought that Connor and Florence were siblings, but I’m not so sure anymore from this exchange.

He couldn’t stop himself from glancing over as she looked up at him with a knowing grin, her lips slightly scrunched as if to conceal the full width of the expression; the whites of her eyes stuck out like little stars in their own right.

“Well, you know, uh,” he said, “neither are you.”

“I know. I mean, you said that yourself.”

“Well, I just like to repeat it.”

Okay, yeah. These two really don’t read like siblings right now. I suppose that one part of the narration talking about Connor’s network was open enough to go beyond family, but I wonder if it should’ve been a bit more explicit.

Connor figured it was better to say nothing and just laugh it off instead, because nothing more needed saying. She reciprocated the gesture, hung an arm around him and brought him in close before taking a few more pictures of the combees as they all retreated into the dark of the woods. They were followed eventually by their ever-vigilant leader, who scanned the horizon for threats and seemed to conclude that neither Connor nor Florence were among them; for a moment, Connor swore they each made eye contact with the glorious creature as she paused in place before retreating.

The moment played out just a little longer before Florence checked her watch. “Well, I should probably head back to the room now; I’ve gotta video call Vi and Syd at nine. Did you wanna come with?”

Huh. I was expecting that to wind up ending much worse than it did there. No getting chased by a swarm of angry bees this time, I see.

Connor thought about it for a moment. There was always so much going on as of late, he figured, and such little time to take in just how much there was beyond the confines of the circuit; he figured he needed to humble himself from time to time by taking in the nature and the quiet of the world at night. They’d be out of Floaroma the next day, and there was no saying if they’d ever be back — or, if they were, how much of it would have stayed the same in the time since their visit.

A
gain, Connor found himself starting to miss the moment as it dragged on. Besides, he needed to take a few pictures to send to his ma.

It’s a bit nitpicky, but I wonder if the “Again” portion of the paragraph works better split off from the rest.

“Ah, I’ll go for a bit more of a wander,” he said. “I’ll probably join you when I’m ready for bed.”

“Fair enough!” she said as they both got up to wander. “I’ll leave you to it, in that case. See you then?”

“Yeah,” he said, “see you then. Tell them both I said hi, though; I’m looking forward to seeing them when we’re back in Snowpoint.”

“You got it.”

So Connor’s from Snowpoint, huh? Or at least I think that that’s the implication of that one mention there.

Bimp, Pont and Elsie all followed their trainer out of the meadow and out of sight, leaving Connor standing beneath the firmament with his pokémon, his thoughts, and some direction to find. Rottenhat looked up at the empty sky, stood up and honked — it was about that time. Connor took his pokéball out and extended it out to the staravia on the ground.

Wait, Staravia honk in this story? .-.

“You want back in, hey, pal?” he asked; the bird honked again as if to give an affirmative and, with a click of the button, dissipated into a trail of light. Ronnie, meanwhile, came from a species who dwelled in caves back in their natural habitat; nighttime walks suited him just fine, barring maybe his stubby little legs.

I now have the mental image of Rottenhat making goose noises stuck in my head. Ditto Ronnie running along making “wait, slow down!” noises as an Aron.
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Connor’s own legs were moving now. He looked back at his seat, double-checked he’d left behind no litter — he hadn’t — and then cottoned onto the fact he was in motion with company.

Alright, little guy, let’s see where the night takes us.”

Ronnie affirmed and responded with rumbles and intermittent chitters, continuing as the sojourn took Connor down the east road out of town along the river current. The membranous dorsal fins of magikarps and a couple other species of fish rose out of the lazing water and glimmered white on orange as their owners passed him and Ronnie, keeping a distant sort of company that felt more symbolic than anything — there were fishermen down the stream and fishing boats at the end of the line, while the eyes of hungry birds overhead and predacious buizels, swimming in wait, fell upon the hapless fish. Connor couldn’t quite put his finger on what it symbolised, exactly.

That they’re not so different in spite of being separated by species? Though I’m a bit surprised that the three don’t get into more squabbles over said Magikarp more often. ^^;

His walk took him past the trees and along the ridged peaks of the Coronet mountain range, over towards the rhythmic spinning of the dozens of wind turbines standing like a little army guarding the big metallic fortress that housed the Valley Windworks. All these things reminded him of his own smallness.

The Windworks powered a good chunk of western Sinnoh, the counterpart of Sunyshore’s solar panels and the myriad oil and gas plants up in the north; every so often the government floated the cessation of drilling and the transition to nuclear energy, and every so often some drilling firm running on Galaxy Corps money threatened to fight any such effort in court. The national assembly debated the issue frequently and generally concluded that current practices facilitated crucial trade with Kanto while enabling Sinnoh’s own energy sovereignty, and things remained the same.

The sovereignty of the Reranai nation over the territory it had lived on for millennia, even that which it had received in the Celestica Land Act of 1899, did not matter: that was where the rigs stood.

Well, that got dark and uncomfortable in short order, but ‘Rerenai’, huh? I wonder what that’s a nod to, since a quick check in Bulbapedia didn’t turn up any localization terms.

All of this had happened long since he’d been born, and all of it dictated his life in tangible ways. Energy sovereignty was apparently the most important thing in the world — it allowed Sinnoh to stay solvent and ensured people could afford to heat their homes, ostensibly, but when winter came around in Snowpoint, it emptied the coffers of almost everyone he knew. Yes, it sucked, but freezing to death at home hardly seemed appealing either. Once-in-a-lifetime winters seemed to happen every three or four years now, which seemed attributable to the atmospheric prominence of greenhouse gases emitted in sites maybe an hour or two from where Connor lived.

In Floaroma, they sometimes complained that the turbines looked ugly.

I mean, considering all the Drifloon around that area, I’d imagine that there’s quite a few ex-Pokémon that turn up around said wind farms just like real life. Though yeah, these systemic issues definitely add a bit of a dark undertone to everything we’ve seen up to this point.

Like we kinda got a shade of from Connor revealing how precarious his and his family’s lives are and that bit about him being iffy about the ethics of training, but I kinda wonder if the “big scale” problems should have foreshadowed a bit more in earlier scenes.

Connor walked on, unable to shake the sensation that he was being haunted by a ghost.

Oh, so Darkrai’s just chilling in the background right now, huh?

This was not the first time he’d thought this. People often looked at history like some kind of nightmare from which they could not awaken; while he felt he owed it a bit more grace given his intent to study it in college, he understood the idea. Everything was defined by the social and material conditions that produced it, those conditions deriving shaping and in turn being shaped by an unending series of events, in which he, too, was both a hapless spectator and a potential agent at odds with, and unable to break from, a world-defining logic which had…

…was his head spinning, all of a sudden? Everything seemed distant; the world had become so dim, so fragile, as though it wasn’t really there.

His vision blurred, his ears started to ring, and his knees buckled as he trembled forward — what was this falling sensation? Had he had been excised from his body? Was it his fault? No, he hadn’t slept that badly as of late; six hours was enough, even if it came spread across thin spurts; he was pretty sure he’d eaten enough lately, too. Even so, he kept falling as though caught in the pull of a black hole — and oblivion felt so comforting from a distance, devoid of all worry and all the threats of the world that exerted themselves on him in the present and the future; there was no need to worry about… about…

Yeah, I figured. Since this is really screaming ‘Darkrai is here’ at the moment.

Connor blinked hard and looked around; Ronnie had positioned himself at his feet to prevent him from falling over, and his hand had scraped, splintering, across a wooden fence. He looked around and tried to recall where he was or how he’d gotten here, right outside a set of houses just a few hundred yards from the Windworks proper.

Huh. Didn’t know that Darkrai could pull portal antics, unless the idea is that he fell asleep and then woke up again.

“Oh, uh, it’s okay, Ronnie; I think I’m fine,” he said, kneeling down and affording Ronnie as much affection as he could for the trouble—

“U-um, excuse me? S-sir? Are you a trainer?”

The voice belonged to a little girl, about six or seven, with tears in her eyes; she clutched a teddiursa plushie tight and had her hair done up in a neat little bow. She’d appeared in front of him at some point — had she seen him almost black out? He felt the chill of the wind on his back all of a sudden; he tried to check the time but couldn’t make heads or tails of it. No, that was rude. She was speaking to him, and there was a jackhammer between his ears.

Huh, I wonder if this is our ‘man out of time’ or something entirely different.

“Sorry, um, yes, I’m a trainer; sorry about that… uh, um, is everything okay?”

She looked up at him as he approached, sniffing and screwing up her face as if to make her tears go back in; there was a moment of hesitation before she continued, and a strange clarity in her eyes that made the cavalcade of noise in his head fade. It was only here that Connor took note of the terrible churn in his gut. Looking around, he felt as if the trees and the concrete in the space around him had gone slanted beneath some great pressure — as if the world itself had been subjected to some great disorder.

For just a brief second, Connor swore he felt a ghost crawling up his back.

“C-can you help me, please?” asked the girl. “I c-can’t find my daddy.”

I’m… not fully convinced that that’s really a girl, just saying.
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Alright, took me a little longer than I thought it would to get through your first post’s contents, but all-in-all, I think that this was a pretty good first impression of this story. I gather that this chapter is basically just taking the time to introduce the readers to the main cast and get to know them, which to its credit it does quite well in establishing Connor as the optimist character that’s a bit naive or in denial, while Florence is his more cynical foil. It also did a good job at selling the vibe of this Sinnoh being a place that’s outwardly quite awe-inspiring and wonderful, while having serious issues lurking in the background, especially when the topic of its history and energy politics come up.

I don’t have too many bones to pick with this chapter, really. The most structural critique that I have is that I kinda wonder if the “big picture” problems with Sinnoh should’ve been built up a bit more throughout the chapter instead of coming primarily in the last two scenes of the chapter, but I understand there’s some level of authorial preference in play when it comes to things like these. Other than that, most of my criticisms are more on the nitpick side, such as there being a few paragraphs that I felt were too long and worked better as multiple smaller ones, or semicolon usages that seemed like they’d work better as separate sentences, or a couple of overly long lists in text. But those are all ultimately small matters that even if you decide merit tweaking, can be done in fairly short order.

Dunno when I’ll come around to continuing this story since I admittedly have quite a few incompletes already floating around that I should come back to, but I think that this is a pretty good start, @slamdunkrai . Thanks for your patience for the rest of this feedback for your first story post, and best of luck with your story. ^^
 
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