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Chapter 19

DawningWinds

Ace Trainer
Partners
  1. hawlucha
Another short one.

Siege of Beasts: Part 1

Kenya stared at the sky as it lit up. She was well on her way to Cyllage City(after hearing that there was currently an argument going on- Since Prism Tower had recently closed as a gym, there was currently no official gym in Lumiose), but the sky doing this was not normal. Whatever was going on here, she did not plan to just let it happen.


Ches nodded, seemingly knowing what she was thinking, and Lia took to the skies. She looked around, noticing hundreds of strange Pokémon appearing everywhere. They all looked particularly hostile.


"Cancel that, there is no way we're dealing with this mess on our own," Kenya said. Lia flew down, trying her hardest to avoid all of them.


"What were those?" Kenya asked.


Ultra Beasts. Lia explained. They aren't friendly. Usually, they don't appear in groups of this size.


"They're everywhere! What are we supposed to do about them?"


Leave it to the experts. Some people know what they're doing; you don't.


"You want me to sit here and do nothing well all of this happens? You can go hide in a corner, but I'll pass on hiding away."


You could make it worse.


"I'm going to ignore that, come on, Ches," Kenya said.
 

Negrek

Abscission Ascendant
Staff
A couple of short chapters! I'm glad to see Kenya again, of course. It's great that she's just been casually continuing her journey while the rest are all off getting sucked into ultra beast fights and whatnot. Of course, she can't escape the plot forever! It's also very telling that her first impulse is, "I can't possibly take all these monsters out on my own; where can I get help?" Rather more sensible about this saving-the-world thing than certain other characters...

The hole in time and space suddenly opened and Y took off. Riding Yveltal was way different from riding Ray. Calem rode in Y's talons, but Roman had to hang on in a way that didn't restrain any of the Legend's movement. Ray never needed anything like that.
Hmm, does that mean he's hanging on around Y's neck? Or kind of clinging to a leg or something? I'm not sure where he'd be able to hang on that wouldn't restrict movement, if Calem's the only person Y can hold.

To me it was a bit disappointing that after the ultra beasts had gotten built up so much, the actually fight against them was over in about three paragraphs. The story's been building up to this fight for several chapters; giving it a bit more space to breathe and really show off what Y and Calem's team would have really have done it more justice. Obviously there'll be other fights in this story, and I hope you'll take the time to make some of the later ones really shine! Chibi Pika's story has a lot of big fights involving legendary pokémon (like this one) that you could look at for inspiration if you wanted.
 
Chapter 20

DawningWinds

Ace Trainer
Partners
  1. hawlucha
I need better titles. Seriously, the Siege of Beasts: Part X thing is bound to get old by the last Siege of Beasts: Part X.

I'm also going to need to change the warnings- When I started this, I did not plan to include all the stuff I did in this chapter; however, I didn't feel it was descriptive enough without them.

Warnings- Blood, death, probably some other stuff


Siege of Beasts: Part 2

Roman looked at the strange Pokéballs. The Elite Four had gone to fend off the Ultra Beasts as well as they could, though Calem had stayed to collect Finnar's plan.

"And these can catch Ultra Beasts?" Roman asked.

"Of course!" Finnar's assistant promised, "I created them during a previous ordeal with Ultra Beasts, and they worked nearly perfectly."

"You did have Finnar modify them so they didn't explode upon being thrown, right?" Calem checked. He gave her a lot more credit as a scientist then as a trainer.

"They don't do that… and this is a bit out of her area of expertise, regardless," the assistant explained.

"Take a bag of these special Pokéballs, and let's get to work," Finnar ordered.

Roman grabbed three bags, certain that one bag wouldn't be enough.

"If you need more, hurry back here. X and I will also be out there, along with nearly every member of the Kalos Branch of Faererwell Organization, and erm, Calem, leader of the Cerberaet Foundation… we'll ignore the fact that we're supposed to be enemies for the time being and the fact that they're probably plotting an attack on us as we speak. I’m allowed to call temporary truces, as the regional head," Finnar said. Finnar was technically required to be formal with the plans, for no reason at all. "Assistant will stay back, though. He'll make sure that resupplies can happen."

"Unless unauthorized, we aren't scheming right now. Your superiors are probably plotting against us," Calem argued, but nobody seemed to notice.

Roman exited the building, and took off on Ray, Tep and Yem alongside him. Vire remained safely hidden within his Pokéball. They remained near the ground as to allow Tep to enter battle without jumping from insane heights.


Roman jumped off Ray's back upon reaching a group of Poipole and Nagandel. "Ray, Dragon Ascent!" The battle began quickly and held up for a while, but Roman eventually trapped each one of his foes in Beast Balls.

He let them all out, and the Balls seemed to have a mysterious calming effect. The group was immediately willing to fight alongside Roman.

Soon after, they came across some Pheromosa, and his new helpers dealt with them quickly, allowing the Ultra Beasts to be easily caught.

Some of the battles were drawn out, but Roman soon ran out of Pokéballs and returned to the headquarters. After returning the newly-calmed Ultra Beasts, he dropped his bags off and grabbed three unused bags.

Finnar's assistant was, oddly enough, nowhere to be found. Strange.


When he looked around the town, he soon understood why. Nearly everyone appeared to be suffering the aftermath of direct contact with one of the Ultra Beasts. People with apparently no muscular systems, people with hundreds of slashes in their skin, red fluid covering the ground around them as they lie motionless, people who had poisonous goo all over them, quite possibly only standing because the adhesive wouldn't let them fall, if a UB could do it, there was probably a person suffering from it. Most of the people were, fortunately, still alive, compared to the others, perhaps many of them with nearly no mobility for various reasons (greatly resembling previously listed issues for some), but still. Regardless, how had all of this happened so quickly?
 

Negrek

Abscission Ascendant
Staff
Huh, the dispute between Finnar and Calem is way more intense than I realized. I wonder if these organizations they work for, which are apparently at odds, have anything to do with the battles that have been going on so far. We still don't really know why the malamar are doing what they're doing, so perhaps they're acting under someone else's orders. Given that Finnar's been trying to help out throughout the story, it presumably wouldn't be her/whoever she's working for... but who knows? Maybe there's a twist there.

For most of this chapter I was sitting there thinking, "Hmm, not sure what that content warning was for, this seems like pretty much the same tone as the rest of the story," and then I reached the last paragraph and went "ah, there it is," haha. I liked the concrete examples you used of what had happened to the townspeople; they seemed like the kind of weird/creepy fates that you'd see caused specifically by UBs, rather than them just having gotten mauled or whatever. (Those people whose muscular systems got erased are HELLA dead, tho, they wouldn't be able to breathe. :P)

That's the kind of detail I'd love to see in some of the more action-y sequences of the story! "Some of the battles were drawn out" doesn't do a lot for me, you know? Not that you need to go into a ton of detail for quick mook battles, but a couple of sentences with concrete details like you used for the aftermath of the UB attack would punch things up a lot.

Overall, I think this chapter marks an exciting turning point for the story. I look forward to seeing where you go from here!
 
Chapter 21

DawningWinds

Ace Trainer
Partners
  1. hawlucha

Siege of Beasts: Part 3

Kenya dodged attacks, desperately trying to do something. But, without Lia's strength, Kenya could do little against the Ultra Beasts. Too bad she'd determined that it was better to hide.

"Ches, Lila, go!" It was a bad situation, but she had to fight at this point. The Buzzwole she’d come across weren't just going to let them be. And Kenya wasn't going to let them win.

But, Lila and Ches were virtually useless against this. It was only moments before they'd gone down to some sort of attack. It had happened so quickly that she couldn't tell what move it was, but she was certain it was attack, at least that had hit the Kirlia, being as she, even with the possibly-huge level deficit, probably could've taken a fighting-type move with her double-resistance. It was also possible that the level difference was insignificant, but Kenya doubted that.

All of a sudden, a powerful Air Cutter knocked out all of the Buzzwole, and strange purple Pokéballs entrapped them.

"Pig, pignite," a Pignite said.

"Yes, Tep, I have eyes," someone responded. It took Kenya a moment, but she quickly noticed that the person that the person was riding on Rayquaza. Oh, right, Kenya remembered. She'd met him back at

Rachi's meeting before the incident with her being captured.

"Nite."

"Actually, you're right," he said. "Where's Cresselia?" This question seemed to be directed at her.

"She decided to hide and wait it out," Kenya explained. "I'm not totally sure where, though."

His Elgyem beeped. He nodded, tossing a bag to her.

"If you can talk Cresselia into fighting them, then you should be able to use these Pokéballs, which have a pretty strong chances of catching Ultra Beasts."
---


I thought about deleting this chapter, but I decided to keep it. Not certain why I came to that decision, but after some of the more recent chapters being constantly being focused on Roman failing to save the world, I think having two more chapters in a row being focused on Roman trying to accomplish the aforementioned task wouldn't be too interesting. Even if this is only a totally useless chunk of just under 300 words.

Also, this chapter been written for probably a month, possibly more, so I did not end up including any of the suggestions from recent reviews (last chapter's end was written literally within the last minute before posting it). In about three chapters, I'll have material that was written after the review of last chapter.
 
Chapter 22

DawningWinds

Ace Trainer
Partners
  1. hawlucha
Siege of Beasts: Part 4

Roman had gone back and forth several times, and was now completely out of Beast Balls.



"You've been a great help, Roman," a familiar voice said. "These Ultra Beasts should more than make up for my lack of a Legend. But, I think I'll take yours anyway. I'm sure you won't mind."


"You maniac! What makes you think I don't mind you trying to steal Ray? And who are you?"


"Don't you recognize old Assistant Faba when you hear him? Oh yes, and I said you won't mind, not that you don't mind. Hypno, Alakazam, let's go!

"Restrain them!" Faba commanded. Alakazam used his psychic power, which he channeled through his spoons, and used it to hold back Roman and his Pokémon. "Hypnosis!"


Roman squeezed his eyes shut. Why was everyone constantly using the same technique?


"I figured you'd try to resist. My Malamar haven't been able to get you once. Darkrai, Yveltal, Xerneas. Multiple chosens. Rayquaza. Not you, though. So who was I to assume Hypno would be any better off on his own? It's a good thing I've brought my Malamar as well. Go ahead, you two. Hypnosis!" He heard the Malamar appearing, but didn't look do see them. Roman knew instantly when they lit up.


It stopped, and when he looked, all four of the Psychic-types appeared to have taken a Pin Missile to the back and fallen forward.


"Great job, Ches."
---



I've kinda been delaying posting this chapter because this whole battle is absolutely horrible and not well-written at all.
 
Chapter 23

DawningWinds

Ace Trainer
Partners
  1. hawlucha
Siege of Beasts: Part 5

Iona watched, Pip waiting for the command, egg held tightly(apparently some people didn't claim random eggs laying on the ground), Inky ready in her Pokéball. She hadn't told the Inkay that she wouldn't be used in this battle- Iona thought it was a miracle that Faba hadn't found out about the fact that his Pokémon had bred. Still, even she wasn't cruel enough to make her Pokémon battle her parents in something of this level of importance.


Did you not come for revenge? Rai silently asked.


I did. But I can also be patient. Darkrai had waited quite a long time to point out that a Chosen could direct thoughts towards their Legend and said Pokemon would be able to hear them. Rai had originally tried to talk her out of doing anything for a while. It turned out that he liked having his partners remain so for more than a month. Apparently, his previous partner had not done that. (“She just up and figured out how to sever the bond. Didn’t give a crap about what her Snivy thought. A shame, too, she was quite a good trainer. Battled all three of the waiters in a former-gym, and did it with only two Pokémon and didn't have to heal them once. She hadn't been training for a week when those battles took place. Had a lot of potential.”)


"Tep, use Flamethrower!" the Pignite used the Fire-type move, and aimed right at Hypno, who channeled psychic power through his pendulum, launching the attack towards Kenya's Quilladin.


"Pin Missile!" Ches curled up in a ball and used his round form to roll out of the way, the fire raging towards Iona. The pins on his body lit up, and four pins made of energy launched, hitting each of Faba's Pokémon.


"Bubble Beam," Iona whispered. Pip put out the fire closest to her with her spray of bubbles, seeming to go unnoticed.


"Psyshock, Psychic, Psybeam, Night Slash!" Alakazam clicked his spoons together, launching a Psyshock at Pignite. A blast of Psychic power went at Ches, who rolled out of the way once again. Mal crossed her tentacles, a beam forming from the 'x' shape. Mar slashed a glowing tentacle, hitting Pignite, who staggered backwards ever so slightly.


"Bide," Iona commanded. Pip jumped in the way, taking the Psychic and Psyshock, launching back a powerful beam, knocking out both Malamar.


An Elgyem, who, until this point, Iona hadn't noticed, used telepathy to tell something his trainer. She didn't care to figure out what it was, even though she'd been aware of her ability to overhear telepathy since the meeting, which was apparently rare and something she could tap into easily thanks to the fact that she was Chosen. Iona didn't hear the trainer's response, either.


"Bubble Beam, Icy Wind," Iona called. The cold wind propelled the bubbles at a high speed, and the ice-type move damaged the two remaining Psychic-types as well. Hypno tried to redirect the attack with his psychic power, but was too weakened. Alakazam clicked his spoons together, blasting some of the bubbles with Psyshock, but not enough to keep them from taking damage and being blown to the ground.


"Ches, Pin Missile to finish them off!" Kenya shouted. As usual, Ches' pins lit up, three launching, one for Hypno, fainting him, one for Alakazam, knocking him out, and one to pin Faba's lab coat to the ground. Iona was nearly certain the third one had missed.


"The Battle Chateau isn't a very good place to hide a base under," Iona pointed out. "Finding the basement is really easy when you follow the right people. And Rayquaza's not quite sneaky."
 
Chapter 24

DawningWinds

Ace Trainer
Partners
  1. hawlucha
Siege of Beasts: Part 6

Roman stared at the other Chosen. "You're not going to team up with evil Malamar owned by a psychopath scientist and help mind control all of the Legends again, are you?"

Darkrai's Chosen shrugged. "Probably not. Evil 'geniuses' with Pokémon that decide to make a Nihilego wrap themselves around my head don't get my help."

Even if she's not loyal, her assistance is probably not something you should deny. Ray communicated.

"Shouldn't we, I don't know, deal with your sadistic friend over here?" she changed the subject instantly.

"How about not? I'm already hated in one region. Can I escape to Kanto or something and we can forget about this?" Faba argued.

"No," Cresselia's Chosen said.

"Pip, pip-piplup."

"We could give that decision to the Ultra Beasts," the Piplup's trainer offered.

"Lup."

"That's actually not a bad idea," Tep answered.

"I don't know if they're actually thinking straight enough to realize that destroying him would result in their revenge being totally complete," Cresselia's Chosen pointed out.

Speaking of thinking straight, Yem telepathed, how is she thinking straight? She just got out of a Nihilego.
 

Negrek

Abscission Ascendant
Staff
Wow, I've missed a lot! So in fact the malamar were being controlled by a notorious villain... and they also had a secret child on the side? At least as of the last chapter it sounds like things aren't going to go well for Faba, but if he manages to escape or otherwise remains in command of the malamar, I have to wonder whether inkay might have some role to play in rescuing its parents from ~the dark side~ or whatever.

I definitely see that you put a lot of effort into the battle in Part 5! I think that's your best one yet, and in particular I liked the paragraph where Pip was attacking the Alakazam and Hypno, and the bit where Ches pinned Faba's lab coat to the ground with his attack.

It's also interesting to learn that Darkrai's had other chosens in the past... I suppose it makes sense, if chosens are kind of a regular thing and legends live for a really long time, but I hadn't even thought of it! I wonder if Darkrai tends to go through chosens faster than some of the other legends, heh. Seems like it might be a consequence of personality.

Anyhow, glad to be caught up again, and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this! Also notice you got some cover art for the story--very cool!
 

Namohysip

Dragon Enthusiast
Staff
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. charizard
  3. milotic
  4. zoroark-soda
  5. sceptile
  6. marowak
  7. jirachi
  8. meganium
It’s a nice treat to finally have someone who decided to say, “I’m gonna make short chapters.” I don’t know what it is about some stories, but when chapters start reaching 10,000 words each, I feel tired. Having short bursts of chapters like these was a nice treat, even if, at times, I feel like the scenes could use some padding out.

I’ve read up to chapter… Well they aren’t numbered for the most part, but I read up to the point where Nihilego show up and spirited Iona away.

I think my overall impression of the story as it stands is that the pacing is very fast, perhaps too fast for me to truly get settled into any particular scene or character until it’s actually fleshed out. Early on, there were a few scenes that seemed to linger for a decent amount of time, such as the nightmare Iona got, but then it quickly moved along to the next set of action scenes, or the next character, and I felt myself asking, ‘Wait, can we maybe go back and slow down a minute?’

I agree with Negrek in that this story is very high-octane, pulling no punches when it comes to the actual events happening when written on paper. Not three chapters/scenes in and we already have a meeting with all the Legends. I think this is the major aspect of the story that I hope I can see more of: For it to just stop for a moment, slow down, and really zero in on a particular key scene for longer than a thousand words.

I know that sounds kind of arbitrary, but as it stands, I really want to get a sense of grounding, rather than getting a beat-by-beat of what was happening in the story. For example, one thing that could really work is focusing on the emotions of the characters involved, and not just them talking about it, or the narration saying it, but showing their reactions. Maybe a trembling hand, or a rising heart rate? How did the tendrils feel in the nightmare, was it cold? Was the atmosphere oppressive, thick, heavy, hazy, like a thick fog, or was it tingly and hot like an indoor parking lot?

What was it like to see all of those Legendary Pokémon all in one place? One thing that stood out to me was that while all of the names had been given for all the Legends, we didn’t really get much of a glimpse into their personalities for the most part. And if we’re going to be seeing them again, I hope we can see more of them on a personal level when they aren’t just shoved off as an entire group.

That’s what I think would be able to get this fast-paced story to have a more balanced narrative, at least from the beginning, and especially something that might be useful going forward! I think you have deadpan humor and snark down pretty well, so maybe seeing more of that could also be fun. Seeing as the power scaling of this story is already starting off high with Legends, tempering that with more humor to give it a fun tone, like it has been going here and there already, would also help enhance what you already have going for you.

Hope this rambling review is useful, and thanks for the read!
 
Chapter 25

DawningWinds

Ace Trainer
Partners
  1. hawlucha
I definitely see that you put a lot of effort into the battle in Part 5! I think that's your best one yet, and in particular I liked the paragraph where Pip was attacking the Alakazam and Hypno, and the bit where Ches pinned Faba's lab coat to the ground with his attack.
I'm glad you enjoyed the battle; I definitely agree that it turned out much better than most of the earlier battles.

It's also interesting to learn that Darkrai's had other chosens in the past... I suppose it makes sense, if chosens are kind of a regular thing and legends live for a really long time, but I hadn't even thought of it! I wonder if Darkrai tends to go through chosens faster than some of the other legends, heh. Seems like it might be a consequence of personality.
All of the Legends have gone through multiple Chosens(barring Jirachi, whose only ever awake for the meeting). That might not have been the most clear thing, I realize. And how quickly they go through them has a lot of factors. But yeah, Darkrai usually happens to go through Chosens much more quickly than, say, Rayquaza.
Having short bursts of chapters like these was a nice treat, even if, at times, I feel like the scenes could use some padding out
I think I know most of which scenes you're talking about- That's definitely something I need to work on.

And if we’re going to be seeing them again, I hope we can see more of them on a personal level when they aren’t just shoved off as an entire group
That's something I'll probably work on; Obviously, I have Darkrai and Cresselia and Rayquaza being somewhat more fleshed out, but the others probably seemed like they were lumped together.
Thanks for the reviews;

...And after much delay, I've finally gotten around to releasing this. This chapter probably isn't my best work (and it ends the most recent major arc in a not-so-interesting fashion, but that's explained later), admittedly, which might be part of why I let this sit in the document for so long without releasing it.

Cerberaet: Part 1
Kenya wasn't totally sure how she'd ended up in this situation.

---

After the space serpent's partner's Elgyem had beeped something of some sort, the conversation had ended. Kenya couldn't quite remember how.

Some time later, Kenya had found herself fighting against a group of Ultra Beasts alongside some strangers. And also Professor Finnar.

In the fight with Ultra Beasts, mostly everyone seemed to have a lot more experience than her.bSomeone had used a Venasaur, and few people had been with Legends. Finnar sent out all six of her Pokémon, Mega Evolving her Absol on the spot. Lila definitely seemed to notice that. Kirlia were capable of evolving into Gardevoir, Kenya remembered, and Gardevoir could Mega Evolve. Charc, her newly hatched Chimchar, mostly stayed out of the fight.

Later on, someone else had somehow convinced the Ultra Beasts to go back to Ultra Space. Or maybe just forced them back. Kenya hadn't been there at that point to see, but what mattered was that the Ultra Beasts were back where the belonged, so the world was at a normal level of safeness.

---

It wasn't long after that Kenya had been invited to join Cerberaet, as Calem had called it. He'd explained some stuff. She'd been filled in on several details, but had been surprised by how much tech was lacking. They kept Pokéballs in PHYSICAL CRATES, which she had never heard of happening, because everyone else just used PCs. Seriously. Their base was also underneath a castle, so maybe she shouldn't have been so shocked. They also used Teleport as a primary means of travel, which honestly shouldn't have surprised her, considering that most Pokémon with the move were much more capable than her Kirlia, who could Teleport some distance, but no farther than she could see. It was great for dodging attacks, but not as much for getting places. Lia had tried to convince her to be careful here, but she'd ignored her for the most part. She still hadn't technically accepted the invitation yet. She'd let the Cresselia have that much. Obviously, she intended to officially join as soon as she could manage. Whenever that would be.


The base was quite large, and surprisingly more secure than the other one- Faererwell, if Kenya recalled correctly. Because it had recently become accessible only by Teleport and through a certain part of the castle(which Kenya wasn't authorized to know because she hadn't joined yet or whatever), Faererwell members couldn't just waltz right in like Cerberaet could by following a giant green flying serpent to the Battle Chateau. Maybe Rayquaza should hide better, Kenya thought.

The members didn't seem to take any notice of her (or the fact that Cresselia was floating casually behind her which everyone usually noticed). Perhaps Calem usually had Yveltal flying around? Kenya seriously doubted that; he seemed to keep all his Pokémon sealed away in their Pokéballs outside of battle.

---

Kenya discovered that they had ten battlefields underneath the literal Elite Four castle, plus some rooms for other training. She was having a one-on-one against a trainer using a Swirlix.

Lila vanished as a spray of pink sparkles blocked Kenya's vision of the field. Fairy Wind. She couldn't tell what was happening for a few moments, but Lila blasted the attack away, and knocked Swirlix to the ground with a blast of psychic power. Her pink horns were still vibrating a few seconds later. Sad music echoed across the battlefield, not doing much to Swirlix. She vanished yet again, dodging another attack from the cottony-looking Pokémon, before sending another psychic blast. The battle didn't last too much longer; the strategy worked well, resulting in a win for Kenya.


Kenya spent a few days hanging around the base before she finally convinced Lia that joining Cerberaet was a good idea. Well, no, she didn't quite convince the Legend of that, but she did convince her that it wasn't a bad idea. Besides, they would provide her with money to pay for things like potions and revives- and food, Kenya had not completely forgotten about eating because of everything that had happened recently- and transportation to get between gyms faster, which meant that she could challenge the next gym as soon as she was ready without waiting until she got there because she could just teleport.

She spent a lot of time having battles, winning around half or so of them. Charc didn't really win any, but on occasion, she had him do a little bit, mainly having his strategies revolve around Assist to use one of the other two's moves. Which didn't always do what she wanted. Still, it was nice to have battles with other people instead of crazed extraterrestrials.
 
Last edited:

Negrek

Abscission Ascendant
Staff
I'm glad you're bringing this back! And starting with an extra-meaty update, too. With all the Ultra Beasts gone, what's next? Presumably we haven't seen the last of them.

I don't recall that the Cerberaet were discussed earlier; some kind of elite fighting force of some kind? Without regular PC's? :P I'm curious to see what they end up being about, and how Kenya's going to fit in with them.

This feels like the first breather chapter we've had for a while--appropriate for the start of a new arc! Just a couple things to watch out for; in a couple places your spaces have gotten replaced with random letters (e.g. "alsonProfessor"). Also, I'm not sure why "Kenya wasn't totally sure how she'd ended up in this situation." is its own section. Why not make it the first sentence of the first paragraph?
 

canisaries

you should've known the price of evil
Location
Stovokor
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. inkay-shirlee
  2. houndoom-elliot
  3. yamask-joanna
  4. shuppet
  5. deerling-andre
Hello! Here for Review Roulette. I read up to "To Find People Like That Out Here". Here are my thoughts.

Iona’s straight black hair flowed halfway down as carefully stroked her Purrloin. She was more of a pet, not the Pokemon one would take on her journey. That would be the starter she was about select, as soon as Professor Finnar was ready.

I think a word is missing in two places: "as she carefully stroked" and "she was about to select".

Messy, lazy or hungry... Iona thought.

It would be a lot better for clarity if thoughts were italicized, as otherwise they look exactly like narration, which most often ends up confusing the reader.

“Well, I was typing some Pokedex updates for every trainer in the region, sending them out, having my computer buffer for half an hour(Iona would have just kicked it)

I think it'd be better to have the addition outside dialogue, formatted possibly like this:

having my computer buffer for half an hour —" Iona would have just kicked it — "cooking my lunch,

The Chimchar ran off immediately ran off,

Repeated "ran off".

The professor nodded, then called her assistant to bring I'm the other required supplies for Iona's journey.

Bring in?

The Bubble missed by several feet and as the Icy Wind was fired, the Kirlia vanished and used Disarming Voice from an unknown location. And then there were twelve. Twenty-four. Forty-eight.
“Icy Wind, straight upwards!”
And forty-seven were gone. One stood.

It took me a while to realize this was Double Team, probably because "then there were twelve" didn't immediately connect to the Kirlia as I read this. I'm also not sure I get how an Icy Wind straight upwards would remove the illusions?

Then came the Leech Seed that smacked Piplup.
“Piplup!” Iona rushed over to help Piplup, untangling the vines that were sapping her energy.
“Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I've been after that Kirlia all day! We made an agreement that if I was to win the battle, she would join my party, and then she evolved while we were battling, so me and Ches are even more determined to get her now.”
Iona’s eyes fluttered in confusion. The girl talked to fast to understand, but something about her tone said “Back off, that Kirlia is mine.”
“Ches, use Pin Missile!” the other girl called, fixing the greenish grey hat atop her short, red-tinted brown hair.

This part was hard to make sense of since a new character is introduced without any clear indication, and it's first referred to as "the girl", which implies the girl has been previously established as being there, and she wasn't. Furthermore, "the other girl" makes it sound like there's either yet another girl in addition to Iona and Kenya or that this line is said by Iona, but judging by the context, it must be Kenya.

You also want "too fast to understand".

The Chespin nodded, flinging out several pins, two of which missed, but the others were right on target.
“Ches, use Vine Whip!”
Vines knocked the Kirlia off her feet, before snacking her.
“Ches, use Leech Seed!”
The Chespin fired a seed that hit the Kirlia as she stood up, and began to sap her energy.
“Ches, use Pin Missile!”

These lines read very repetitively, and not for much reason. Ches must surely know they're the one that the orders are for, so there's no point in saying their name again or even saying "use", as being in a battle, it's pretty obvious the name of a move would be a command.

“No. I'm from Vaniville Town, but Professor Finnar received Piplup, Turtwig and Chimchar from Sinnoh just a few minutes ago, so I lucked out with being ignored since eight in the morning.”

This feels like a lot of information to give to a stranger she just met.

“Hm. Scan Ches into your ‘Dex, so you can see the Chespin info whenever, and so you're a little closer to completing it. And I'm scanning your Piplup,” the girl reached into her pocket, and pulled her Pokedex out.

Dialogue tags should contain an action of speaking, or there's no sense in them being dialogue tags. You'd either want something like
And I'm scanning your Piplup,” the girl said and reached into her pocket to pull out her Pokedex.
or simply drop the tag and write
And I'm scanning your Piplup." The girl reached into her pocket and pulled her Pokedex out.
with the dialogue tag left out completely.

“Just make sure you give her back”

Missing period.

“Lup?” Piplup said, inquisitively.
“I know, I fell, don't you dare make fun of me in your weird, gibberish language.”
“Weird, gibberish language? I knew you couldn't understand us, but weird, gibberish language? That’s going a bit far!”
“Wait-you can talk? You can TALK? Why didn't you say so before?”
“I cannot talk, you can simply understand me! Perhaps if you looked down, you'd note that your hands are currently glowing! Maybe that is related to the fact that you can understand me!”
“You know, why don't you just say ‘Pip-piplup,’ Piplup? I don't like listening to you when you talk like a crazy person.”
“Pip. Call me Pip. And I'm being quite serious, Iona.”

It's weird that Pip has no strong reaction to Iona being able to understand her when Iona finds it so shocking. Pip's also very quick to accept and matter-of-factly tell Iona she's glowing, when this seems like it should be just as inexplicable and strange to Pip given the context.

“Pip!” Iona lift the Pokéball and pointed it at Pip through the branches.

You'd want "lifted", although "lift" doesn't sound like the right word either way. I'd suggest "raised" instead.

Iona, Pip. Odd how terribly two with such similar minds work together. Regardless, I stand by my decision. Can I count on the two of you to help you with a task of utmost importance? A strange, silent voice told them.

This confused me most of all since, like I said, not italicizing these passages makes them blend in with the narration, which makes it difficult to impossible to tell where one ends and one begins. It doesn't need to be italics, per se - any clearly different formatting would do the trick, such as bolding, if that's what you'd prefer.

“Simple enough. We accept,” the trainer said, speaking for both her and her Pokémon.

It seems unrealistic for Iona to immediately accept a strange disembodied voice's request without further questions, and the fact that she's involving another person she just met without asking them makes her come across as pretty inconsiderate and unlikable.

“All right, all right.” Kenya turn 180 degrees, to see Piplup attacking...the air. Then Iona said something to Piplup, which seemed to become an arguement.

You'd want "turned" and probably simply say she turned around instead of turning 180 degrees, which feels out-of-place in the narration with how technical a phrase it is. "Argument" is misspelled.

Roman stared down at the two girls, knowing he could not interfere until the battle had ended.
“To find people like that out here…” he had muttered when he saw them being chosen. “is almost unthinkable. Legendaries have never chosen a trainer on a Route One before!”
“Tep, should we go with the winner of this battle or go by virtue?”
“You forgot one...trainer. Whoever has two out of the three.”
“Tep, you really shouldn't be the one whose memorized the entire rulebook cover-to-cover!”
But since you can't, Ray reminded Roman, Tep ought to take some responsibility.

This scene should really establish the fact that they're riding on the back of Rayquaza as soon as possible instead of only at the end. In general, the writing could use a lot more setting description, as there is little to no indication of where anything is happening. This makes the scene difficult and unsatisfying for the reader to visualize.

Ray nodded, flying a bit closer as the Spiny Nut Pokémon blocked an Icy Wind with his Vine Whip, before following with a Pin Missile. Piplup got hit by three of five, before running in for a Peck. The grass-type used a Leech Seed to try to stop Piplup, but she jumped over it. Then, she strafed left, before running in for a successful Peck.

Calling Chespin "the Spiny Nut Pokémon", while correct, is needlessly complicated and doesn't really add anything. Don't be afraid to simply use characters' names. They simply are the best way to refer to a character (next to pronouns), so repeating a name is not something you need to avoid.

Rai has them asleep in a nightmare. Ray reminded Tep and Roman
“Rai?” Roman asked.
We legendaries make a point of knowing what each other prefer to be called. Partially so we can mess it up on purpose. It's my meeting to call Kyo ‘Ogre’ for Rachi's whole week awake.

Having two characters that are called Ray and Rai doesn't seem like a very good choice. It's confusing for the reader and increases the risk of scene-muddling typos for the writer.

“You bring that up every conversation for the past week,” Roman pointed out.

This should be "You brought that up" or "You've brought that up" as the event happened in the past, not the current moment or the future.

“That's because the meeting is in just two days. days,” Tep stated.

Repeated "days".

---

Alright, so this premise has potential. Darkrai and Cresselia are interesting legendaries to me, and it's surprising to give the "evil" one to the protagonist. It's a bit strange to have Rayquaza as the third legendary we meet, but I suppose the assumption is that there are more characters to come that will fill in the missing trio members either way.

As I said before, I would've liked to see more description of the surroundings. It wouldn't have to be super detailed, just give the reader a background for these events so they feel more grounded, as leaving description out kind of makes it all just happen in a void. Characters, also, could benefit from more description - we may know their hair and eye colors, but there are a lot of qualities and mannerisms that a person can have that subtly tell more about their personality and background or just make them more distinct from other ones. Characters' reactions to one another are also a great way to flesh out a character and make them feel more whole. When Iona first meets Kenya, the girl seems to speak fast to her. This could point to her being somewhat of a chatterbox, a pushy person or generally a more high-energy of a personality than Iona, but the lack of judgments on Iona's part after this sort of leave her attitude towards Kenya a mystery, and that's typically not something you want from a POV character.

I'm going to mirror Negrek's comment on the row changes - the first chapter(?) is a lot more readable with proper spacing, so it would be good to extend that to the other ones. The prose would also benefit from proofreading to catch the kind of errors I pointed out.

Anyway, I unfortunately don't think this story is really my thing, but I definitely wish you luck going forwards. See you around.
 

windskull

Bidoof Fan
Staff
Partners
  1. sneasel-nip
  2. bidoof
  3. absol
  4. kirlia
  5. windskull-bidoof
  6. little-guy-windskull
  7. purugly
  8. mawile
  9. manectric
Hey there, I came across this fic through review roulette. I read through the first five chapters and am leaving a review on those, but I'll leave a quick note that I took a peek at some of your more recent chapters, so I recognize that some of the things I'm going to mention might be things that you've already fixed in more recent stuff, so I apologize if some of my thoughts come off as repetitive.
I'll start with the positives.

I actually really like the small, bite-sized chapters. I don't know how well it would work on a website like ffn. But here where you can view several at once, it's actually kind of nice. Easy to just pick up and read a chapter. And despite their length, each one seems to accomplish something. Introducing a character, a conflict, an event, and so on. I'll admit that the forum format does kind of help with that since I can read each section continuously.
The second thing I enjoyed was the humor. There were a lot of little jokes in there that amused me, some of which served also as a hint at their character. (The opening chapter with Finnar, in particular, comes to mind) The fic strikes me as something fast-paced and at least somewhat silly, as a result.

On the more critical side of things, there were long stretches of these chapters that were just dialogue, which caused a couple of issues. One was that, at times, it was hard to picture who was talking, even when it was just between two characters. The other primary issue I had was the lack of description, which made it hard for me to picture what was going on.

My other primary criticism ties into that second part. Just, in general, it was hard to get a read on what characters were feeling due to that lack of description. I recognize that I've not read very far, but at this point, it's hard for me to differentiate between the personalities of Kenya and Iona.
Finally, a nitpick: It's hard to tell when the legendary pokemon are talking. I'm assuming that they're using some form of telepathy. Perhaps italicizing their dialogue would help differentiate things?

Despite my criticisms, I do plan to read more in the future. I'm curious as to how much you've improved since these chapters. And on top of that, I'm always curious to see how different fics use pokemon like darkrai. So... hopefully, I'll be back sometime soon to read the rest of the chapters.
 

TheGOAT

🗿
Location
Houston, Texas
Pronouns
Him/his
Partners
  1. serperior
  2. alolatales-goat
Hey hey, review blitz time :) I’m gonna open with some grammatical/misc. comments on each chapter and then give an overall retrospective when I’m caught up.

Before I get going, note that I’m going to be more critical in my chapter by chapter comments, whereas at the end I’ll be focusing more on what I liked. So if you’d rather avoid reading critical commentary on the structure and composition of the story, skip to my latest review! Now, let’s get started…




Chapter 1 Review


Iona’s straight black hair flowed halfway down as carefully stroked her Purrloin.

A word seems to be missing here. Also, minute details like hair color are often best mentioned in passing rather than as the subject of the opening sentence of the fic.


Not that Iona was impatient, but she had been waiting for HOURS.

Heh, nice way to use the narration to show a bit of snark from the POV character. Little tidbits like this can spice up a story if done right and in-character.


her brown eyes saw the glass door slide open

More often than not, it’s best to avoid inserting extra details like this when it isn’t necessary. For something like brown eyes, it would feel more natural to bring them up when that details becomes relevant — or, since it’s not a very impactful detail to begin with, when something in the setting is noticeably similar or different from it. Maybe something the professor is wearing matches the color, and she takes notice of this?


“I've been here since eight I'm the morning. It's now eleven at night. What took you so long?”

…Good grief, that’s fifteen hours. Talk about a dedicated soon-to-be trainer. In the meanwhile, though, wouldn’t she have needed to leave to eat? Were there no interns or assistants there to help? Was there ever the possibility of Iona calling the professor on the phone? The delay seems rather large.


having my computer buffer for half an hour(Iona would have just kicked it)

This got a laugh out of me, so bonus points for that. I can’t tell if this is something the professor said out loud though? Parenthesis within dialogue is… not something I run into often. ^^;


The Chimchar ran off immediately ran off, the Turtwig snuck up on Chespin, stole its Poke puff and returned to its ball and the Piplup stood there.

“This one,” she said, picking up Piplup.

This got another laugh out of me, lol. Just, this whole quoted passage here — the sheer nonchalance of Piplup being the unspoken deciding factor — is really funny to me. Good stuff.

Also, there’s a typo in that first sentence — seems like a couple extra words are in there.


The professor nodded, then called her assistant to bring I'm the other required supplies for Iona's journey.
Typo.


<><><>


Chapter 2 Review


"Wha-" Iona started, then saw the Kirlia and slammed on the breaks, kicked down the kickstand and hopped off her bike. “Piplup, we're gonna catch that Kirlia. Go, Piplup and use Bubble!”

*brakes, not breaks — and wow, a Kirlia as a first catch would be nice for a brand new trainer. It’s already evolved once and it’s a psychic type, and everyone knows psychics are #toostrong… :p I kid, I kid.


“Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I've been after that Kirlia all day! We made an agreement that if I was to win the battle, she would join my party, and then she evolved while we were battling, so me and Ches are even more determined to get her now.”
Iona’s eyes fluttered in confusion. The girl talked to fast to understand, but something about her tone said “Back off, that Kirlia is mine.”

Hmm, I’m a little confused here. The girl opens up by frantically apologizing and then neutrally explaining the situation, but then it’s mentioned in the narration that her tone is supposed to be a warning about challenging her for the Kirlia. Is she apologetic, or is she wary/slightly possessive? If she’s both of these things one after another, I’d suggest putting a break in the dialogue where this occurs… perhaps something like: “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” the unfamiliar voice called. Just as quickly as it appeared, the voice grew less apologetic. “I’ve been tracking that Kirlia all day. I already made an agreement with her that if I could defeat her in battle, she’d join my team.” In this case, you wouldn’t need to say anything about her tone afterward because it would already have been shown beforehand.


“Locked! There's my Kirlia! Her name is Lila!”
“Are you bragging to me?”
“Nope! I say that every time, only with different names, right Ches?”
“Pin!”
“Are you from Sinnoh? Your Piplup is adorable!”
“No. I'm from Vaniville Town, but Professor Finnar received Piplup, Turtwig and Chimchar from Sinnoh just a few minutes ago, so I lucked out with being ignored since eight in the morning.”

Your dialogue tends to read as cluttered because of the lack of spaces between each paragraph, but the banter is really entertaining to read. I think it gives these two characters some flavor.



<><><>



Chapters 3-4 Review


Iona was on the move yet again, Piplup in the basket. Pedaling faster, until suddenly, for no apparent reason, Iona fell. She caught her Piplup, making sure her Pokémon was okay.
“Lup?” Piplup said, inquisitively.
“I know, I fell, don't you dare make fun of me in your weird, gibberish language.”

Would love to see more development between these two. Their dialogue is fun and something about this early stage of their bond is just so… nonchalant? It’s entertaining to read, regardless.


“Weird, gibberish language? I knew you couldn't understand us, but weird, gibberish language? That’s going a bit far!”
“Wait-you can talk? You can TALK? Why didn't you say so before?”
“I cannot talk, you can simply understand me! Perhaps if you looked down, you'd note that your hands are currently glowing! Maybe that is related to the fact that you can understand me!”
“You know, why don't you just say ‘Pip-piplup,’ Piplup? I don't like listening to you when you talk like a crazy person.”
“Pip. Call me Pip. And I'm being quite serious, Iona.”
“Wonderful, then it must be me going insa-ANE!” The ground began falling apart behind them in a strange, purple glow. The bike fell in almost right away.

Hmm. This is quite an awful lot happening in such a short amount of time. Be careful about condensing too much of the narrative into such a short span of words. If it feels like anything could happen at any moment, you run the risk of breaking your readers’ immersion, which is kinda what happened to me here. Piplup suddenly being able to speak in clear sentences and the world falling apart underneath Iona’s feet are two events significant enough from the reader’s POV that they’d probably be better off happening in different scenes altogether, or at least separated enough to where the reader can properly digest one before moving onto the other.


“Not very creative, are you? Allow me to fill in.” Pip used Bubble, which she followed with Icy Wind, and pecked all the now frozen bubbles. Their shards dug into the wood, weakening it. Then she took a final peck at the tops of some of the bars, causing them to fall.
“Great, now get me out.”
“That could be difficult...wouldn't want to hurt you.”
“Pip!” Iona lift the Pokéball and pointed it at Pip through the branches.

Getting the vibe that Pip — who just revealed the power to speak — is on a higher experience level than Iona. The bar isn’t set very high, of course, given that Iona just started her journey. But still. Unless this whole thing is a big Darkrai nightmare and Pip can’t actually speak or do crazy stuff (I’m basing this guess solely off the story’s cover lol), then I can’t help but wonder if Pip has been traveling and fighting before.


Iona, Pip. Odd how terribly two with such similar minds work together. Regardless, I stand by my decision. Can I count on the two of you to help you with a task of utmost importance? A strange, silent voice told them.
“Depends, creepy person. What's the task?” Iona asked.
Defeat Kenya in a battle. And future battles. We cannot have Lia's chosen coming out on top in the end.
“Simple enough. We accept,” the trainer said, speaking for both her and her Pokémon.
“Great, now that y'all are done talking, I challenge Iona and Piplup to a battle!” came a familiar voice.

I’m a little confused why this new voice doesn’t have any quotation marks to indicate dialogue. At first I thought it might be Iona’s thoughts, but even once it became clear it was another voice, it didn’t really answer any questions. For future reference, I’d suggest stating that a sudden unexpected voice is speaking first, since that fact is one of the first things that someone in Iona’s situation would notice.

Also, I’m even more confused by Iona’s response. She just started her journey and in the past five minutes, she discovered that she can talk to her Piplup in clear complete sentences, and she was just ensnared in a cage and instructed to defeat another trainer in battle for ominous, yet rather vague reasons? Even if she isn’t freaking out over what’s going on, the bare minimum here would be to ask the voice who they are/what they’re doing/why they’re doing it, y’know? Iona trusting the voice right away and not bothering to question anything going on doesn’t feel quite right.


Turn around, Kenya. Turn around.
“What in the name of Arceus?”
“Pin, Ches,” Ches shrugged.
I am Cresselia.
“THE Cresselia?”
Yes, Kenya. Now turn around, please.
“Cresselia's right, Kenya. Turn around.”
The voice sounded like a young male, and was coming from beneath her...somewhere.
“What in the name of Arceus?” Kenya gasped. It was unbelievable!
Kenya. Please turn around.
“Explain how...Arceus...I can't...Ches…”
“Don't freak out.”
Kenya felt a soft patting on her leg. She knew Ches was trying to comfort her.
“It's just...I don't..Arceus...I guess...what I mean to say is...can you please…”
Please select a sentence and complete it.
“Okay...um...I don't…”
“Try the first sentence you had. Explain how…?”

This sequence is somewhat difficult to understand. Again, I’d suggest stopping every now and then to allow the POV character to air out their thoughts in the narration rather than leaning so heavily on dialogue. While this sequence might seem perfectly clear in your head, you’ve gotta factor in that the reader isn’t going to be visualizing things in nearly the same way as the author in most scenarios. Particularly with Kenya’s stuttering, I couldn’t parse all of it. With that said, you do very well to communicate how confused Kenya is, so you did a good job showing vs telling.

“Explain how Ches can all of a sudden talk!” Kenya said, the words practically sprinting out of her mouth.
He is doing what he has always done. The only difference is that I have given you the ability to understand him. Inevitable that I would, really.
“Oh, and that explains a lot, thanks for clarifying pretty much nothing.”
However, with the current circumstances, we cannot have her succeeding, and spreading nightmares across the entire world. I request you battle her. And win, please.
“Okay…” Kenya sprinted in Iona's direction, taking note of what was going on.
“Simple enough,” Kenya heard Iona say. “We accept.”
“Great, now that y'all are done talking, I challenge Iona and Piplup to a battle!” Kenya said.

On the contrary, this does finally provide some insight. The scenario seems to be clearing up a bit now based on the context provided: Darkrai and Cresselia have each chosen a trainer, and they must battle to determine… something. It’s an interesting premise for sure! Though, it would be nice if we knew what this something was, since it’s kind of hard to believe that two young trainers (impressionable as they may be) would commit to any of this ominous stuff without stopping to seriously consider what they’re doing.



<><><>



Chapter 5 Review


Roman stared down at the two girls, knowing he could not interfere until the battle had ended.
“To find people like that out here…” he had muttered when he saw them being chosen. “is almost unthinkable. Legendaries have never chosen a trainer on a Route One before!”

Roman’s a cool name. Just felt like mentioning that.

Also, chapter title drop right away! lol. I personally love when authors are able to weave their chapter or title names into the story in clever ways, so good job. 👍


“Tep, should we go with the winner of this battle or go by virtue?”
“You forgot one...trainer. Whoever has two out of the three.”
“Tep, you really shouldn't be the one whose memorized the entire rulebook cover-to-cover!”
But since you can't, Ray reminded Roman, Tep ought to take some responsibility.
“Ray. Really? You know, it would be nice if you two didn't hang up on me non-stop.”
“Would you prefer I just say ‘te-tep-tepig?’”
“No, Tep, I like knowing what you're saying...most of the time.”
“How about just when I insult you?”
“Ray’s right, you are responsible.”
“I take pride in that.”
“You don't have much else to take pride in.”
“Well, I was the Pokémon of choice for Rayquaza's trainer of choice, so there's that.”
“Tep, that's not too impressive. It just mean I preferred you to a Snivy and an Oshawott back in Unova, which is true of literally every starter Tepig that has a trainer.”
“Te-pig.”
“Insulting me, are you?”
I believe he is.
“We should pay attention to the battle,” Tep said, as the Darkrai-chosen girl sent Piplup forward to battle Chespin.
“You're right.”
“And you're te-te. Ray, take us lower.”
Who put you in charge? Ray communicates. I chose Roman, not you.
“Yeah, well, Roman's too much of an idiot to command you to do that.”
“I'd put you in your Pokéball if that didn't involve you creating a bunch of fireworks with some moves.”
“And the Pokéball falling and shattering. Then I'd be free and you'd be lonely. Ray, take us lower before I scorch your face off.”
You know I'd win.
“Then Roman would be extra lonely because you'd drop him somewhere.”
“Ray, I think Tep's right, take us lower.”

This is sort of the opposite problem from the “too much going on” thing I mentioned earlier. The conversation, mostly banter, isn’t at all critical to what’s happening. In this case, there’s supposed to be a battle going on (this is even mentioned in this huge block of dialogue), yet all we see is Roman speaking with two other characters, presumably his Pokemon.

I say “presumably”, because again: random voices popping up without any prior setup or explanation really doesn’t give the reader much material to make their own visualizations or inferences. I was reading this section above asking myself “Who is talking? What exactly is going on? What is this conversation supposed to accomplish? What’s going on with the battle?” and so on. It slows the pacing down while simultaneously making the scene difficult to follow.


“Rai?” Roman asked.
We legendaries make a point of knowing what each other prefer to be called. Partially so we can mess it up on purpose. It's my meeting to call Kyo ‘Ogre’ for Rachi's whole week awake.
“You bring that up every conversation for the past week,” Roman pointed out.
“That's because the meeting is in just two days. days,” Tep stated.

If it gets brought up so often, how come Roman is questioning it like he’s unfamiliar?

I really like the idea of legendaries trying to butcher each others’ names on purpose. It adds another entertaining worldbuilding element to the story, even if it’s relatively unimpactful.

Also, there’s a typo at the end there.


“Cresselia's girl won,” Tep noted aloud.
“Yeah, I think we all saw that.”
“Just making sure you weren't to stupid to tell.”
“I have a brain, Tep.”
“Not a very intelligent one. Most of your big head is empty space. Practically hollow.”
I hate to say it, but you're right about his ego.
“Better than not agreeing at all.”
“Since when do I have a big ego?”
“Always.”
“I always figured you were the one with the ego, Tep.”
“Totally.”
You both have humongous egos.
“You mean Roman has a humongous ego?”
“I really should put you in the ball.”
“Good luck with that.”
“Nah, I don't need luck, I've got skill.”
“Ego.”
“Okay, I've got a bit of an ego, but you've got more of one.”
“It's a good first step to admitting your flaws.”
“I can't stand you sometimes.”
“I can't blame you sometimes.”

Here’s another long section of dialogue that doesn’t really accomplish anything narrative-wise. It’s just banter, yes, and perhaps it could get a laugh out of a reader here and there… but I think it’s important to ask yourself, especially with sections as long as this: if you were to remove the entire thing, would the story at large still look the same?

The section starts off with someone (it never specifies who?) noting that they all saw who won the battle, implicitly saying that it’s pointless to say it out loud. So the answer is right there.

To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with a little banter here and there, even if it doesn’t profoundly affect the story. Not every sentence has to serve a deeply-rooted narrative purpose! Just be wary of long tangents like this that run away from what’s supposed to be happening in the story.



<><><>



Chapters 6-8 Review


Since I’ve spoken so much on the composition of the story, and since it seems that it improves greatly around chapter 9 (I looked ahead :V), I won’t comment on it much anymore. Instead I’ll be giving narrative-based thoughts here and there on various things I notice in the story, mainly focusing on positives.



Rai latched a shadowy hand around the handlebars and Iona gripped tighter. They lifted off toward the hole in the very fabric of the universe, and Iona laughed at herself. It was so fun to look down from here, where the rest of the world looked tiny! She'd always thought it'd be terrifying, but really, it was the exact opposite!

I like the description here! And I like how you made careful mention of how Iona personally feels about the experience, noting that it’s her first time flying up in the sky and looking down like that. I would probably find it terrifying, being on nothing but a bike…

Anyway, that little detail reiterates the fact that young Iona is still a new trainer and these are experiences she’s unfamiliar with, so it makes her feel more immersive as a main character. I’ve noticed that you add details like that here and there in the narration, which gets a thumbs up from me.


But, the good news was, she was able to keep herself from vomiting the entire time.

Heh. That is good news indeed! Pip could help clean up if worst came to worst, but the lack of Water Gun might be a problem .—. lol.


The stars were portals, Iona realized. Like the one they had come through.

This is a really neat mental image! Kinda makes me think of white holes, haha.


“Ultra Beasts,” Kyo stated. “I've seen them in my Hoenn oceans recently. I often need Tia and Tia's help to send them back where they belong.”
“Perhaps, then, it's time we invite them to the Meetings of the Legends?” Luna offered.
“No! No. NO!” Kyo said.
“I agree with Ogre,” Ray brought up. “The other week, Roman, Tep and I were randomly attacked by a whole group of UB Symbionts! Roman was almost infested by one of the things!”

I think this is a really interesting premise that doesn’t get touched on very often in Pokémon multimedia — how do legendary Pokémon feel about Ultra Beasts when they interact? They’re a very different “type” of Pokémon, with many headcanons not considering them Pokémon at all, so it’s no wonder that the principle of Fear of the Unknown comes into play a little bit.

In this case: you establish right away that Ultra Beasts are less of an unknown force and more of an active threat, given that Roman was infested by one of them. (I’m guessing in a similar fashion to how Nihilego canonically infested Lusamine?)

Interesting stuff!


Kenya removed the hat from over her face. “Whose left?”

Typo — should be “who’s,” not “whose”


The boy jumped, a lot higher than Kenya anticipated from him, and Rayquaza flew underneath him, catching him. The Tepig ran up the lowest part of the space serpent’s tail.

Ah yes. Just a boy. His Rayquaza. And, of course, his Tepig. Can’t forget about Tepig :)


“How much farther?” Ches asked at one point, surprising Kenya.
“Ah!” Kenya cried quietly, before calming herself down. “Oh yeah, I can understand you now. I don't know how much farther.”

This is a good example of where you demonstrate how an inexperienced trainer (in this case, the person in question is Kenya) is still growing used to the circumstances of their journey and the world it’s taking place in.


Seconds later, Kenya felt herself weakening even more. She bit her lip, trying to think, and she found herself a little bit stronger. Pain helped! She dug her nails into her palms and began kicking herself. With each time she kicked, she found her focus a little bit stronger.
“Why are you kicking yourself? It must hurt, you should stop.”
It does hurt. Why would I hurt myself? Kenya realized that she was still responding to Iona's suggestions. I don't want to hurt myself, but it's the only way to hold myself together. Telling herself this seemed to calm the part of herself that wanted to listen to Iona and the Malamar.
“Kenya, you know resisting will only work for so long. Wouldn't it be nice to let all your problems go away? You would never have to worry, never have to feel pain. Mal and Mar could make your world perfect, if you let them.”
If I let them, I could live the rest of my life in a perfect world. Kenya fought it down. The world will be without problem, but also without joy. Not a good trade.
“Let go of yourself.”
Let go of yourself, every voice she had ever heard echoed in her mind. Everyone's already waiting. I should join them. Kenya's eyes fluttered open, closing quickly each time, until suddenly, she didn't want to close them. She wanted to become an extension of Mal, Mar and Iona.
The hollow shell that had lost its name lifted a Poké Ball and opened it. A Kirlia appeared.
“Accept their will,” the hollow shell commanded. “They can only help you.”
Deep inside of the hollow shell, a fragment of its former self argued with every move it made.
“Break the diamond.”
If I can't help fight off the Malamar, I can still keep myself trapped in here.
The fragment fought for control of the shell, winning for just long enough to return the Kirlia into the Poké Ball.
“Break the diamond.”
Each time the shell lifted its arm to smack at the diamond, the fragment fought strong enough to bring the arm back down. But the fragment couldn't hold control beyond that.

This was another one of those sections where I wasn’t really sure what was happening, all things considered. With the lack of consistency regarding quotation marks and such, I couldn’t really get any sort of visual image going… I’m hoping the next section will clear things up a bit.


Great,” Tep said sarcastically, “Ray, go faster.”
I don't listen to annoying Tepigs.
“Tep's right, we need to go faster.”
Ray sped up

Rayquaza doesn’t seem to hold Tepig in very high respects. To be honest, I’m not surprised.


“Mal, Mar, it's time to get rid of her permanently. Use your hypnotic powers to turn her into an extension of yourself.”

This is one helluva threat, actually. Maybe this sort of thing would be standard in the world(s) of Pokémon, but yikes. I’d be terrified if someone threatened to do this to me. Malamar is the perfect ‘mon for this sort of thing too; it’s got a creepy, hypnotic vibe to it. Even its canon moves and ability sometimes make you wonder what kind of weird cryptic hypno-cheese they had in mind when creating it.


When they were approximately ten feet above the ground, Tep used Protect to break their fall.

Clever! Maybe Tepig does have some value as a teammate here, lolol. Though, I’d think Rayquaza would just be able to fly them anywhere they’d need quicker than gravity would be able to take them, but… oh well, small details, small details. Regardless, the protect thing is a cool idea. I adore seeing moves be used in clever ways in fanfiction. Good stuff.


“Double battle, no Legends,” Roman challenged. “If I win, the Malamar agree to release everyone they control.”
“Deal. But if I win, you agree to turn over Ches, Cresselia and Rayquaza. Mal, Mar, it was seems I need your assistance.”
“Tep, Ches, battle ready!”

Oh wow .-. Roman is bold. He had plenty of leverage in this situation, but gave it up for the sake of making a deal. Interesting.

There’s a typo in there — “it was seems I need your assistance” should be something like “it seems I need your assistance.”

I was wondering who Roman’s second Pokémon would be, and—huh. It’s Kenya’s Chespin. He’s really bold to be making this deal with one half of his team being a Pokemon he’s never used in a battle before. Technically he doesn’t even know if Ches would be interested in listening to him, though I’m sure the circumstances help a bit.


Suddenly, a faint glow came from Tep's body. Then it got brighter. And brighter. To the point where Tep was only visible by his silhouette, which was already beginning to change. Until it stopped, the glow faded, and what was once a Tepig was now a Pignite.
“Look who just gained a fatal flaw,” his opponent smirked. “You're now weak to my Psychic-type moves.”

I was kind of rolling my eyes that this would be a stereotypical mid-battle evolution scene, but nope. His opponent immediately took notice of the gained Fighting typing, which puts Tep at a disadvantage against any psychic attacks. Though I’m sure the boost in stats and whatnot probably make up the difference.



<><><>



Chapters 9-10 Review


Indeed, the paragraph spacing is a definite improvement! Good job.


Every window she, Pip and Rai past flew shut, and every child curious about her and Rai was grabbed by his or her mother or father and brought inside.

Huh. I guess that’s a drawback (or a perk?) of riding around with a Darkrai. It’s a cool little worldbuilding detail that Darkrai has such a reputation…


“Rai is a famously terrifying Pokémon.”


Unrightfully so. I don't earn my reputation.

…and even moreso that he apparently didn’t earn it.

I’d certainly be afraid of him myself, given that his presence alone causes nightmares in many Pokemon mythos. Perhaps that’s different here? I imagine we’ll find out pretty soon, since he’s Iona’s companion now.


“You're the second trainer to come through here travelling with a Legend today.”


“Who else?” Iona asked.


“Cresselia.”


Iona smirked. “Well, then, we better keep moving! Can't let Kenya be even a footprint ahead.”

Seems like they’re legit rivals now. It’s pretty much inevitable, given everything that’s happened to them. I wonder if they’ll be allies or enemies going forward…? I can see it going either way, to be honest.


Mistyc and I can't raise another Pokémon at this point, so I'd like you to take this.” Lynne took out a yellow egg, with a red area on top.

Oh?

Pikachu egg? :3

That may not be right, but I love speculating on these things. I’ve been wondering if Iona would get a third Pokémon to compliment Pip and Rai (and perhaps match Kenya’s and Roman’s respective teams), so this seems like one possible way to do so.


Home. That's what the Kalos branch had become after Finnar had found him, Tep and Yem, his Elgyem, floating on a piece of driftwood. They'd tried not to let him in, the amateur trainer he was back then. Thankfully, Roman was chosen by Ray the very second he turned to leave.

I really like this as an intro to a chapter! It’s very engaging and compelling.

A detail I noticed: Roman does in fact have another Pokémon? Where was Yem during the Malamar sequence? I ask because Roman battled with two Pokémon, one of which was an inexperienced Chespin that wasn’t his, so I can’t help but wonder…

That said, Chespin would have a considerable type advantage with offense (Pin Missle) and without having a weakness to Dark moves. So if that was your reasoning, that makes a bit more sense.

Another alternative is that Yem simply wasn’t present at the time. If so, I wonder where it was…?


“How's Yem? And the research? Did you manage to make it work?” Roman asked.

Seems my second guess was accurate. In that case, I bet Roman is excited to see his old Pokémon again! Particularly given all the craziness he just went through.


Finnar smiled, holding out a hand with a slate grey crystal in it. In the center, three dots. “We haven't tested it,” the researcher admitted, “but the fact that we were able to get it made is amazing progress! Yem is doing quite well, and I think he's been enjoying working on it. The Z-Crystal may not be exactly natural, but it still exists. You think you can try out the Z-move? We call it UFO Blast.”

Here’s another interesting concept I’d love to see expanded upon further: artificial Z-Crystals. You have some really interesting ideas!


“Yem, Confusion!” Roman shouted. Next to him, a red outline of a human appeared, positioning himself into poses, which Roman strained to match. One finger out of place could mess the whole thing up, according to Finnar.

That’s quite a margin of error. It really puts weight on how the poses are performed, eh? It’s good that the technology seems to be up to date though; it’s cool to see how the lab has stuff in place specifically for Z-move development that makes things more user friendly for trainers like Roman. The holographic human doing the poses would certainly be a big help if it were me, I’d be willing to bet.


“That was amazing! I’m so glad you were here to help! I think of all our Yemium Z tests, that was the best! I think I know why it still broke, too. Can you help me tomorrow? I saved all the data from your Z-Ring, and I think that you were detached from the crystal, because Assistant was the one working on it with Yem. Unfortunately, if Assistant had been using the Z-move, I think that he would have been distrusted by Yem, so the move would've failed.”


Roman nodded at this, pretending to understand.

Mood.

Nah, I kid. I think the story has made great strides in being more understandable in the last couple of chapters, which I commend you for. Good work!


For the next weeks, Roman and Yem worked on the Yemium Z. Repeat the poses, use the normal move. Borrow a Psychium Z, use Shattered Psyche. Repeat. Stand still in a weird technology-based tube-thing. Repeat first five steps. Try hopelessly to help Finnar and her assistant analyze the data. Attempt to break a Psychium Z because Finnar wants a natural Z-Crystal in it. Give up on doing so using Yem's Confusion. Use Inferno Overdrive because Finnar took the Psychium Z that was borrowed. Shatter remains of old Yemium Z because Finnar thinks they'll help new Yemium Z. Get annoyed with the assistant.


Finally, the new Yemium was done. Finnar wanted to try it on different Pokémon right away, and Roman wouldn't complain as long as Finnar let him keep the Z-Crystal.

Hmm. Normally I’m not a fan of jumping ahead so far and so quickly like this, since it can be a bit jarring to go from one moment in time to several weeks ahead. Especially since the story doesn’t seem to have progressed very far in time from the very start.

But this isn’t so bad. You did well to illustrate what was happening in that time while not dwelling too long on any details. I like the way you did your recap, taking the creative liberty of listing things out in short sentences (sometimes just dependent clauses masked as sentences) instead of painstakingly explaining everything out. I like it! My immersion stayed intact here, so it gets a thumbs up from me.


Finnar's assistant pointed out that all of his Pokémon would take only half the damage, being psychic-types. And this is what led them to selecting X, Finnar's legendary partner, better known as Xerneas.

Small detail, but Xerneas is Fairy type only :V guess that test run ended up being more painful than expected.


From said box, she took out an egg. It was mostly green, with a brown patch on one side.


“Oh!” Finnar seemed surprise by something. It took only a moment for Roman to be able to tell why. A crack appeared. And then another. Until several cracks covered the entirety of the egg. A foot broke through the shell, followed by three more. Then, a twig, with two leaves attached to it. The shell fell away, to leave a Turtwig in Finnar's arms, staring at Roman.
“All yours,” Finnar promised.

Typo — “Surprise” should be “surprised.”

So everyone has an egg now—or, Kenya and Iona do, whereas Roman’s just hatched.

I think I might know what kind of egg Iona has now. My guess is that yellow and red corresponds to Chimchar? It would align with Roman getting a Turtwig, which would then imply Kenya received a Piplup egg. I don’t know if that’s remotely accurate or not, but I’m putting it down as my best attempting at predicting the future! :p It would make for a fun dynamic with Pip, I bet.



<><><>



Chapters 11-13 Review


"You didn't pick Cresselia. Interesting," the gym leader, Erin, said, letting out her Pokémon, a Shuckle.


"Lila, Double Team!"


"Rollout!" Shuckle went into his shell, rolling into all the fake Kirlia.

Equally interesting that the gym leader sent out a Shuckle, of all ‘mon.

Even more interesting is that they knew about Kenya’s association with Cresselia. I’m guessing this is public knowledge know? It would’ve been nice if we could’ve seen a bit of expansion on that, like a TV news broadcast about it or something. Roman did mention earlier in the fic that it was incredibly unusual for legendaries to “choose” trainers as early as route 1, right after their journey began… so perhaps that would be good source material to draw from? Just speculating here.


"Return! Ches, you're up! Vine Whip!"


Shuckle dodged the Vine Whip, which was the point.


"Leech Seed!" The Shuckle was seeded.


"Rollout!" The Shuckle hit, but pretty much all of Ches' pain was healed by the Leech Seed.


"Vine Whip!" The attack hit Shuckle.


"Bide!" The Shuckle stood still, ready to endure hits.


"Vine Whip!" Ches used the move, and Shuckle took it.


"Pin Missile!" Five Pin Missiles launched, and four of them hit, taking out Shuckle.


The gym leader sent out a Larvesta.


"Use Zen Headbutt!" Larvesta ran at Ches with the psychic-type move.


"Dodge it!" Ches jumped to the side. "Leech Seed!" Larvesta was seeded.


"Ember!" Ches couldn't move quickly enough.


"Synthesis!" Ches healed himself, and received a little more due to Larvesta being seeded.


"Ember!"


"Vine Whip!" Ches hit the Ember back, before hitting Larvesta with the attack.


"Absorb!"


"Pin Missile!" The Pin Missiles went right through the attempt at Absorb, finally knocking out Lavesta.

For future reference, I’d suggest adding a bit more detail here and there to what’s going on during battles. You do a great job of keeping the pacing fast! Just know that a sentence here and there about how the Pokémon are moving and reacting to the damage, to their successful strikes, to their trainers calling upon them, etc. usually adds an extra bit of oomph to the scene.


"Rai, this is another one of your nightmare pranks, right?" Iona asked.


Not this time. This is the real deal.

Small detail, but I like how Rai’s dialogue is now italicized. It makes me think of a telepathic link between them, which would make sense all things considered. Love to see it!

Another small detail: I like little tidbits like this that communicate the growing bond between two characters, in this case Iona and Rai. It makes them feel more alive and makes their bond feel more real.

"Great. Pip, Bubble!" Pip jumped out of the basket, using Bubble on the Ultra Beasts that happened to be Nihilego. "Inky, get out here! Use Foul Play! Rai, got anything?"


Not really.


"You've got to be kidding me! We're surrounded by Ultra Beasts and you can't do anything?"


Blame Lynne! She's the one who replaced my Dark Pulse with Sleep Talk and my Dream Eater with Rest.

Hmm! More interesting details, more fun details.

For starters, Ultra Beasts have appeared, which harkens back to when the legendaries were discussing them in an earlier chapter (speaking of which, what ever happened to all of those legendaries…? It was never touched upon.)

Secondly, I noticed that Iona had captured the Inkay from before. Perhaps I just missed the part where that was mentioned ^^

Thirdly, Lynne’s previous hint about Darkrai was confirmed—Darkrai used to be her partner before all of this. I can’t help but wonder, how and why did they split up? Is it a natural process for legendaries to move from trainer to trainer depending on whatever prophecy, omen, etc. is in control at the time?


"Pip, use Icy Wind, Inky, Psybeam! Why'd Lynne do that?"


Rai shrugged.


Iona watched helplessly as Pip and Inky fainted quickly.

This battle is super entertaining, haha. The exchanges between Iona and Rai are golden.


Yes. But we just entered Electric Terrain, so it's totally useless right now. As are all my other moves, considering they all relate to sleep.

Oof. Where’d it come from, though? Xurkitree, possibly? iirc I don’t think any other Ultra Beast can learn Electric Terrain.


Yem looked down at the group. I suppose the safest plan would be to avoid them, but considering we're directly above them right now, I predict we're their next targets, after whoever they're attacking right now. We could dive in and have Ray do his thing. Yem communicated telepathically.


"Good plan. Vire, return!"

I like Yem. They’re very pragmatic. “Let the Rayquaza handle it” seems like a logically sound plan lol.

I’d like to see Yem get off one of those UFO blasts soon. There was an awful lot of buildup for it just for it to not happen here, but it could always happen later, so I’ll exercise patience with that particular mini-arc.


"Whoever it was probably had a Legend. There've been piles of reports of chosens being attacked by Ultra Beasts recently."

A proper cliffhanger! It seems that the Ultra Beasts and legendaries might be at war, and some humans are drawn into the conflict… that would be Iona and Kenya and Roman, of course. Perhaps others too?



<><><>


Chapter 14 Review


Roman studied the egg he had seen at the previous location, wondering who it belonged to. He'd left the ruined bicycle, figuring its owner wouldn't want that now that the Ultra Beasts had destroyed it. Still, who had it been?

Clearly Iona’s, but what’s cool here is that you’re building up to a reunion that neither party expects. Roman seems to be some sort of legendary Pokémon agent and is hunting the Ultra Beasts along with them. Iona, due to her involvement with legendary Pokémon, is wrapped up into all this. Gotta be honest, I feel pretty bad for her. It seems like she’s an innocent, studious kid who started her journey and then all of these outside forces wasted no time tugging her back and forth. Throwback to Roman’s comment about legendaries never picking trainers on route 1; they couldn’t even wait until like, the first gym. lol.

TL;DR legendaries r bad guys


He also noticed several Nihilego infesting humans, some of which he recognized. One of them was Darkrai's chosen. Hadn't she had a bike at the meeting?

Oh geez. This really is happening to a ton of people after all. I can’t imagine this is far off from becoming a public crisis.


The Malamar sent forward Suicune, Darkrai, and Diancie. Not a good match for him. It was a good thing Ray hadn't left Mega Evolved form.


Before any of his Pokémon could do anything, they're opponents struck, Hydro Pump plowing into Tep and knocking down, Diancie's Dazzling Gleam hitting both Ray and Tep, and cleay hurting a lot of the Dragon-type. Instead of a move like Dark Pulse, Darkrai used Rest.


The Malamar lit up before Roman could command anything of his Pokémon. He covered his own eyes, hoping Tep, Yem, and Ray had been able to do something.

First of all, lmfao at Darkrai using Rest. I just… some of the deadpan humor in this fic really appeals to me for some reason. It always feels good when I read a fic that can land its humor.

There’s a typo in the middle paragraph — “cleay”

I think this battle was an improvement from the gym battle. Even though less happened overall, it was paced really well and there was a clear image of what was going on.

And… another cliffhanger!


Overall:

Stopping here for now.

I like this story! It’s not the most descriptive, but the fast pacing was something I needed. The humor made for a pleasant read, and although things got a bit too chaotic at times for my tastes, there was also a sense of direction to the ongoing side arcs that I’ve taken interest in. Thanks for the read.
 
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