Every inch of Orion’s body throbbed with pain. He used up every ounce of his strength into from weakening and killing that Shadow Scolipede. Even after that small meal of plain bread and oran berries, the relentless fighting had drained him, leaving left him exhausted. The entire time, his gash on his stomach burned intensely as it leaked out blood.
Some small suggested wording tweaks here.
Hesh: “Um… ‘Orion’, was it? I think you should get that checked out.” .-.
Orion: “Hrmph. Worry about your own problems and keep marching.”
He trudged along a muddy trail in the mountains, following Captain Berg’s company. Unlike the desolate Condemned Plains, the mountains were green and lush, further complemented by a nearby flowing river. How had he not come across this place before?
Because
your life experiences are such that you’d have good reason to want to keep civilization at arm’s length and you’re not exactly Mr. Socialite?
The soldiers marched in near silence, with only occasional whispers breaking the stillness. Some carried extra knapsacks, likely salvaged from the remnants of the encampment. Others bore the bodies of their fallen comrades, a few of which seeped a subtle black fog from their wounds.
Um… yeah. That sounds like a really,
really bad sign there. .-.
[ ]
Damn it. When should I tell them? Orion thought.
I get that there’s a balancing act to be hand since it seems like you’re building up to a later reveal, but I kinda wonder if it’d have made sense to tip your hand a bit more that Orion knows that them bringing along their dead buddies is a bad idea and have a bit more “... how do they not
know this?” going on internally in his mind/the narration.
He noticed a few soldiers casting wary glances in his direction, their unease still evident. One bipedal, frog-like creature with a creepy grin stood out in particular. It frequently turned to glare at him, its gaze sharp and judgmental.
Hesh: “(Damn it, why on earth did
Barak have to bite it and not that asshole Geris? Not like anyone would’ve missed
him...)”
Then there was the small blue turtle with the oversized ears—the kid who threw those bottles of oil at the Shadow Scolipede earlier. For some reason, he kept sneaking timid glances at Orion as well.
Orion: “You can stop pussyfooting and just speak up, you know.” :|
Geris: “I for one thought that I was
very clear that I thought we should’ve bounced your reeking, Uncivilized ass from the start-”
Hesh: “Geris, for
gods’ sake, come off of it already!” >_>;
They won’t believe me until they see it happen before their eyes. Unless. . .
Yeah, see the earlier comment about how Orion’s “dude, what are you
doing?” thought process should’ve been a bit more on display tin the sequence up to this point.
“Orion!” Captain Berg called from the front of the formation. “Need you up here!”
Perfect. As much as it hurt his legs, the Absol quickened his stride, moving past the other soldiers to close the distance to the captain.
“You called?” Orion asked, noticing the bandages tied around the Chesnaught’s chest.
“Yeah.” Berg cleared his throat, maintaining his slow stride. “First things first. . .great work out there. Your intel on the Shadows saved us today. I also noticed you were particularly ferocious against them. Where’d you learn to fight like that?”
Orion: “Constantly fighting to stay alive in a harsh and uncaring world helps. So does a ‘day of fighting’ being ‘another day ending in y’.” :|
Berg: “Yeah, but we’re just not used to seeing an Unci- er.. Pokémon like you fight
that competently.” .-.
The Absol thought about it for a moment. He could feel the other soldiers’ eyes fixed on him. It might make me more suspicious if I don’t answer. “I learned from the gladiators of Daem.”
Berg nodded. “I see. So you came from Daem?”
Orion shook his head. “No. I only stopped by there a few times.” He had to keep the lie alive.
I
kinda wonder if given that this sequence is firmly tied to Orion’s head and Orion’s got a bit of a backstory, if it’d have been worth giving at least a cursory nod to more of it. e.x. as a throwaway example:
The Absol thought about it for a moment. The full answer was something that the Chesnaught would never believe, and if he somehow did, it’d likely be even more dangerous. There were the wilds he was born into. There was that damned arena. There were his experiences as a mercenary in more recent times.
All of which were answers he’d have preferred to keep to himself. And ones he couldn’t afford to expound on if pressed.
He could feel the other soldiers’ eyes fixed on him. It might make me more suspicious if I don’t answer. “I learned from the gladiators of Daem.”
Berg nodded. “I see. So you came from Daem?”
Orion shook his head. “No. I only stopped by there a few times.” He had to keep the lie alive.
Food for thought, anyways.
The captain’s expression darkened into a scowl. “I’ve been to Daem once. That place is a cesspool of criminal activity. I couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling I got from the Peacekeepers stationed there. Some openly harassed the locals, while others flocked to the colosseum, placing bets on who would kill whom. No offense to anyone, but I had to get the hell out of there.”
[ ]
I don’t care. Is this all you called me over for?
But does it have a cantina with a jazz band and scavengers shouting ‘Utini’ in the background? Though I feel that it probably makes sense to show some combination of Orion’s reaction and thought process off a bit more here. Especially if he’s busy “my guy, you have bigger problems right now”-ing in live time.
“Anyway, where are my manners? I’m Captain Berg of Cresselia Company. Truth be told, I was originally part of a full battalion when we were first deployed to Vera. But with the relentless waves of Shadow Pokémon, we’ve suffered heavy losses—including the battalion commander and many other officers.”
Um… just
how much of that battalion is left right now? Since just saying, IRL, most military units are considered to have lost combat effectiveness at 30% attrition.
[ ]
“So you’re in charge of this whole unit now?”
“That’s right. These soldiers you’re looking at and the ones stationed at the town? We’re all that’s left.”
Orion pondered the captain’s words. To think the infestation had gotten this bad. There had to be a Shadow Tempest out there somewhere. . .
Some more spots where I think it would’ve been worth getting into Orion’s head a bit more than what we’re presently doing. Like does he have any opinions about how the Cresselia Company is whittling down? Like is that something he’s seen before? Something that surprises him?
[ ]
“By the way, there’s something I wanted to discuss. I’d like to offer you a spot in the Peacekeepers. Once we’re out of this mess, I can put in a good word with my superior officers. Whaddya say?”
Orion: “Ah yes, getting offered a job in a military unit where you can
see the attrition just from a casual glance around. How appealing.”
Berg: “You could’ve just said ‘no’, you know. And we’d have
less problems with that if we had more guys like you in it…” -_-;
Joining the Peacekeepers, me? That’s a laugh and a half.
Orion shook his head. “Thanks for the offer. But I prefer to work alone.”
Berg:
Orion: “I should be asking the same of you, really.” >_>;
[ ]
“Ahh. . .that’s a difficult road to tread. Most contractors tend to hire entire units rather than individuals. I’d know. I used to be a mercenary myself. You’ve definitely got talent, but finding work without the support of a full team will be a real challenge. Are you sure you don’t want to join us?”
Another spot where IMO some more character reactions or internal thought processes would’ve been called for, though I actually wonder if narratively there should’ve been a reminder or two that Orion presented himself as a mercenary to Berg and the gang since while it was brought up in
Chapter 2, this is actually the first it’s been mentioned all chapter.
Orion thought about it for a moment. Should I just humor this oaf and be done with this conversation? I might get more food, but committing to the Peacekeepers? It’ll never work out. “I’ll think about it.”
A part of me wonders if this actually would’ve worked better as indirect thoughts and woven into the narration on Orion’s part, though that might just be stylistic preference speaking.
The Chesnaught nodded. “Most certainly. In the meantime, we’ll discuss your payment once we reach the town.”
Payment, huh? Something that Orion hadn’t heard about for some time. He didn’t remember the last time he went shopping, let alone hold a single lucita. After all, no point in having useless coins in the wilderness.
I’m surprised that he’s letting his mind wander given that a part of him is going “dude, ditch the bodies” internally. It might’ve been worth showing off a bit more about how Orion’s trying to gauge whether it’s worth speaking up to save Berg and his men from
presumable Shadow-related problems, or if it’s better to just keep his mouth shut, grab his bag, and leave before everything falls apart.
[ ]
“While you’re here,” Berg continued, “I’m just wondering if you can answer a few questions about the Shadows.”
“What do you want to know?” Orion responded.
- Orion glances over at the bodies leaking black fog -
Orion: “Since based off what I’ve seen of what you
do know about Shadows, I get the distinct feeling that I’ll be here all day if you don’t narrow things down a bit.”
The Chesnaught stroked his chin. [ ]
“So, I was under the impression that Shadow Pokémon are nothing more than feral creatures. But that Scolipede from earlier. . .it talked! Have the Shadows always been capable of that?”
Orion shook his head. “Not all. Some Shadows were able to retain their memories and intelligence before their transformation. Usually, it’s those Shadows that eventually become Ascended.”
Orion: “... Do I
want to know how woefully inadequate Peacekeeper training is these days when I have to explain these things to a
commissioned officer?”
Berg: “Look, our unit got pulled onto this assignment at the last minute, okay?” >.<
[ ]
“I guess diplomatic solutions are still out of the question, eh?”
The Absol nodded. “The Ascended are driven by bloodlust. They’re not the same Pokémon they once were. Reasoning with them is a fool’s errand.”
[ ]
“You also mentioned a transformation. By that, you meant—?”
“They were once like us. When another Shadow infects you through an open wound, your body undergoes a change. At first, your body will try to reject the infection, and that’s when the agonizing pain sets in. Then it changes your aura. It overwhelms the senses, drives you mad with newfound power. And if that Shadow remains alive while you’re still infected, you’ll become a Shadow yourself.”
Oh, well.
There’s that warning there.
Berg:
Orion: “Yes, that applies to your dead fighters, too. There was a
reason why I was worried that I’d be here all day answering questions from you.” >_>;
[ ]
“W-wait! So when that Scolipede injured me, that meant. . .”
“Yes. If that Scolipede had remained alive, you would’ve become a Shadow Pokémon yourself.”
I think that you
probably want to show more of Berg’s alarmed reaction setting in here as it sinks in on just
how much peril he was in all this time.
Orion: “Which was
also why you weren’t supposed to just point and laugh at the other Shadows when they bolted last chapter, since if any of
them got someone and are still kicking around…” >_>;
The soldiers exchanged disbelieving looks. Perhaps the idea of their own company commander succumbing to the Shadows was a horrifying thought. [ ]
“I see. . .” The captain’s scowl faded, in its place an expression of sheer horror. “I assumed it was the Scolipede’s venom that got me. But as soon as that Scolipede died, the pain went away.”
This is it. I can tell them now. “My mentor once told me that becoming a Shadow Pokémon will augment your powers to heights you never knew you were capable of. But the tradeoff is that you lose your sense of self in the process. The unmistakable sign is when your wounds start leaking a black fog. That’s how you know you’ve been afflicted.” Orion turned his gaze to the bodies the soldiers were carrying. “Just like those corpses you’re holding now.”
Ah yes, I can already tell that Geris was around to hear that part.
Especially since if his fate in the new version of this story tracks his old one, he lives up to that quite well.
Orion: “Again, do I
want to know how woefully inadequate Peacekeeper training is these days? How on earth has this not been observed and relayed to the rank and file by literally
anyone who could pull off basic reconnaissance?” >_>;
[ ]
The captain halted abruptly, a gasp escaping his lips. “Company, halt! Leave the dead behind! We march on without them!”
One of the soldiers, a Pawmo wearing a blue ribbon, raised one of her paws. “But, sir! Don’t they deserve to be with their families?”
That actually makes me wonder if pulling a
The Walking Dead and icepicking the heads of Pokémon that died to Shadows would allow for them to be properly buried or not.
Orion: “... (Do I
want to tell him right now that
he needs to do a bit more than that given that these guys could potentially rez under the right circumstances?)” :/
“We can’t take that risk now! Not if there’s a chance the Absol’s right! The town’s safety is our top priority! For the time being, leave the bodies behind!”
One of the soldiers, the creepy purple frog, stepped forward. “Hold just a sec! Why are we even listening to the Absol? He’s an outsider. How do we know he’s not lying?”
I feel that it probably makes sense for Berg to beat the drum of “I know that you are probably going to think this is crazy, but bear with me here” to his soldiers. Since from
their perspective where they’re
not familiar with Shadows, Geris likely sounds like he has a strong point here.
The Pawmo from earlier chimed in, “Yeah! Why are you taking his word for it? You’re the captain, aren’t you?”
Then another soldier, a yellow bipedal lizard with a round head, added, “This isn’t what I signed up for!”
Wait, so you mean you
did sign up for watching a non-trivial portion of your unit die painfully and horribly at the teeth and claws of nonstandard zombies? ^^;
Though the thought actually occurred to me, but how
did none of them ever see a comrade turn after dying or getting wounded in the past? Since you’d think that with
how many Pokémon from Cresselia Company have kicked the bucket so far, that someone would’ve seen it in the past, or else there’d be records of one of their outposts suddenly having an episode of “and then there were Shadows” in the past.
The situation descended into chaos as more soldiers voiced their complaints, pointing fingers and paws at Orion. Though he saw this coming, his heart sank. Being singled out and overwhelmed like this. . .it was a feeling all too familiar.
I kinda feel like Orion’s mood here is a bit more “told” than it needs to be and that it’d have been more impactful if we got to see the proverbial wheels in his head turn a bit more, especially as the soldiers’ complaints progressively go from “Berg are you crazy?” to “It’s your fault, you mangy Unciv”
Orion: “(Godsdammit, I should’ve just taken the Lucitas and run.)”
First Sergeant Tullio pushed his way to the front of the formation from the rear, turning to confront the soldiers.
“AT EASE!”
The group fell silent.
“I won’t tolerate any further disrespect. You have your orders. Carry them out, or face a dishonorable discharge when we get home. This is a serious situation, and we must remain together as a group. If we fall into petty squabbling, our company will crumble! And don’t let the townspeople see you like this either!”
Orion: “If I may, but given that your soldiers seem to be very attached to giving their comrades some level of decorum, you would probably be best off building a set of cairns over their bodies so-”
Tullio: “Look, can you
not stir the pot more right now?” >_>;
Orion: “(
Trying to help you out there, buddy, but you do you.)”
“Thank you, First Sergeant,” Berg said. “I know this is a tough one to swallow, but we need all the help we can get. If it means following unorthodox plans, then that’s what I’ll do. For your own good, and the good of the townspeople. Orion’s suggestions have saved us thus far. I’m confident that he won’t steer us wrong.”
Pawmo: “He’s fought with us for
one battle!”
Berg: “One battle we would’ve
lost had it not been for his strength and guidance last chapter. So excuse me if I’m not ready to second-guess the guy who clearly knows a lot more about these damned monsters than we do.” >_>;
Orion felt a wave of relief wash over him. He could still feel the sweat trickling from his paws. It had been a long time since anyone had acknowledged or supported him.
I’m honestly surprised that they didn’t have to go down the route of bringing one of the bodies along as a guinea pig to inevitably be put down when it turned to drive home the point that “I’m right and you’re not”. Like I get that Berg feels that he owes Orion, but I’m a
little surprised he just completely trusts him here given that he knows that he’s making a big ask from his soldiers here.
Within the formation, the small blue turtle with oversized ears raised his hand. “I’m with the captain on this. If the mercenary hadn’t fought alongside us, I wouldn’t be here now.” He hesitated, his expression turning uneasy. “I’d probably be one of those bodies. . .”
Geris:
Hesh: “
Thank you for your input, Geris. Nobody
asked you for it.” >_>;
As the other soldiers stared at him, the turtle dipped his head slightly into his shell, just enough to conceal his mouth. The kid was probably too bashful to own up to his words. A colorful bird Pokemon approached him and gently patted his head.
“I agree with Hesh. That was the biggest wave of Shadows we’ve faced yet. But somehow, we made it out alive. I’d prefer to keep it that way.”
Wait, is that Felicity? If so, I feel that you can give a bit more description than that for “Pidgeotto” there.
A Sandslash, whose arms were covered in bandages, stepped out of formation as well. “With all due respect to everyone, I stand with the captain. If the mercenary has sound advice, we should follow it. He clearly knows about the Shadows more than we do.”
Captain Berg nodded. “Do we have any more objections?”
Geris: “I’m sorry, did that Scolipede hit you in the head or something? You’re
seriously just going to leave these guys’ bodies on the side of the road for
Uncivs to pick over? Because of what
one of them just told you?”
The purple frog creature scoffed, his arms crossed. [ ]
“. . .No, sir.”
That one’s dangerous, Orion thought. Need to keep an eye on him.
I feel like Geris’ reaction and the general vibe that “this isn’t the end of things” would’ve come through better with a bit more development in the narration.
The captain turned toward the trail. “Leave the dead. We march to Vera.”
The soldiers hesitantly moved their fallen comrades to the side of the trail. As they walked past him, a few shot Orion venomous or sorrowful looks. Orion spared one last glance at the bodies, noting the black fog seeping from their wounds. He couldn’t help but pity them, fully aware of what would happen next.
It would’ve been better just to burn the bodies, but I don’t think the Peacekeepers will take it well. They’ll probably need a hard lesson anyway. . .
I
do wonder if it’d have made sense for Orion to press things further here given that he sees that he
has trust from the Pokémon that matter most in Berg’s Company. Since if Berg trusts you enough to believe “you can’t bring these bodies back with you to Vera”, wouldn’t it also be logical to at least try to press “you need to burn these bodies or else do
something to immobilize them, otherwise you’ll wind up fighting them again”?
Like I get that he’s a bit socially aloof and has an axe to grind against Peacekeepers for reasons not yet communicated in the story, but unless if Orion
actively benefits from another 20 Shadows to have to put down later, I’m surprised that he didn’t try to speak up when he had the proverbial wind at his back.
The Absol shook his head and followed the group.
Once again, an awkward silence settled as the soldiers marched on. Orion could feel the weight of their gazes on him, a sensation he despised. Being the center of attention never led to anything good in his experience—he had the scars to prove it. Moments ticked by as the trail ahead came to an end, leading to the town. Similar to the Peacekeepers’ former base, it was enclosed by palisade walls. A flag bearing vivid green, red, and yellow stripes fluttered on a flagpole. Again, adorned with that accursed rose. . .
Let’s check in on how Orion’s doing right now:
He had seen this flag in nearly every major city and town he visited across Hevalkin. The sight of it alone was enough to make him feel like vomiting.
Yeah, I had a feeling there. :V
Beside the entrance stood a brittle-looking scaffold, where a sentry Patrat perched. The sentry called out, “They’re back! Open the gate!”
The gate rattled loudly as it rose. A white Meowstic wearing a green and black ribbon stepped forward, accompanied by an escort. She approached Captain Berg and gave a salute, which he promptly returned. Though she had a fierce gaze, Orion noticed her eyes widen slightly as she took in the sight of the soldiers.
“Sir? What happened? Where is everyone else?” she asked.
Berg shook his head. “Killed in action during the last assault. It’s a long story, but we had to leave behind the dead too.”
Orion: “I’m sorry, but how is this not another day ending in ‘y’ for you given that his unit apparently lost
its entire command structure above him by the time I ran into it?”
[ ]
The Meowstic gasped. “You’re injured too. . .”
The captain shrugged. “Never mind that. How are things in town, Lieutenant?”
“The Shadows have yet to reach us, sir, but the townspeople are growing restless. Some have attempted to flee by flying or digging escape tunnels. The field hospital is filling up, and our supplies are running dangerously low.” Despite her stern demeanor, the cat’s expression hinted at the strain she was under, struggling to maintain her composure.
Ah yes, I’ve been exposed to enough zombie stories to know that that’s going to be a
big problem in the not-too-distant future. Since I can’t imagine that
none of the patients weren’t mauled by Shadows in the same way Berg was.
Though wait, what
is the reason why the townsfolk aren’t being allowed to leave Vera anyways? Since wouldn’t there being
fewer townsfolk to defend make it easier to write off chunks of the countryside as needed to keep up the defensive lines?
[ ]
“Understood. My soldiers need rest, and the injured require care. Meet me in my tent in an hour. We have much to discuss.”
The Meowstic nodded. “Yes, sir.”
With that, everyone passed through the gate, which closed behind them with a thud. Orion took in the view of the walled town, dotted with small houses and crop fields. A stream meandered through the town, while lush green mountains rose in the distance.
A small agricultural town, it seems. Not much to look at.
Orion: “... Probably should be a bit more concerned about how this place vibes so much after the place in that vision or flashback or whatever it was in the first chapter. But whatever, not like I’m going to be here for long.”
A small crowd of Pokémon, a mix of townspeople and Peacekeeper soldiers, had gathered in the town square. Among them, a Noctowl with faded feathers and glasses perched on her beak hopped forward, approaching Captain Berg.
“Captain, what happened?” she shouted. “There better be a good reason for you to come back.”
The Chesnaught scowled at her. “Do you not see the injuries on my soldiers, mayor?”
“That’s no excuse. Our town has kept you fed and given you supplies. Your job is to protect us. And what’s THAT over there!?”
Her glare caught Orion off-guard.
Orion: “... I’m starting to understand how this guy’s Company has lost its entire command structure above him right now.”
“You brought a bloodlicker into my town!?” she shrieked, her wings flaring in a menacing display. “Unacceptable!”
Orion: “Oh a ‘
bloodlicker’, huh? Say that again, feather duster, and I’ll show you
exactly what bloodlicking-!”
Berg: “
Orion! Please… maintain some decorum here and let
me do the talking…” >_>;
The Chesnaught crossed his arms. “Do not take that tone with me, mayor. He’s a mercenary. And he saved my soldiers and your town from harm for another day.”
“Pinfeathers and golly fluff! You’ve just invited death itself into our town! I’m not sparing a single berry for stray animals!”
Orion: “... Okay, I’m just going to take those Lucitas and leave now. You all have fun with those Shadows. Oh, and
fuck your village.” >:(
[ ]
“Enough!” the captain bellowed. “I won’t hear any more of your superstitions. As long as we’re defending your town, I’m in charge here. And you won’t harass our visitor.”
[ ]
“How dare you,” the old Noctowl growled as she hopped away and disappeared into the crowd. “The Sol Council will hear about this!”
[ ]
The Sol Council. . .damn it. . .was it right for me to come to this backwards town?
I kinda feel like it’d have been worth showing off a lot more of Orion and the different characters’ reactions here (and ideally also a bit earlier). Since it’s admittedly a bit hard to tell if Orion was getting agitated over the Noctowl’s casual bigotry there or if he’s just seen it all by now and is unfazed.
Much like the soldiers earlier, Orion could feel the townspeople’s stares fixed on him. It was as if they were on the verge of rioting and driving him out at any moment.
“Is that what I think it is?” he heard one whisper.
“I heard the breath of an uncivilized smelled like corpses. . .”
[ ]
Captain Berg dispersed the crowd. “Alright, everyone! Move along and go about your business! My soldiers need rest!”
The underlined feels like something that should’ve been expanded more in some capacity. Like it’s one thing to get
told the townsfolk are about to riot, it’s another to see them get surly and see specific things they’re doing out of agitation.
As soon as the townspeople returned to their usual activities, Berg approached Orion. [ ]
“Sorry. I’m sure you had to deal with that a lot.”
“You have nothing to apologize for,” Orion said. “Besides, I’m used to it.”
The Chesnaught’s expression was somber. [ ]
“That’s the problem. You shouldn’t have to be. Anyway, let my soldiers guide you to the field hospital and get that wound checked. I have some important matters to attend to. Take care, be seeing you.”
[ ]
With that, Captain Berg reconvened with First Sergeant Tullio. After exchanging nods, the aged Simisage turned away from the captain and made his way toward Orion.
“Follow me.”
Some more spots where IMO it’d have been worth getting into Orion’s head a bit more.
As the two passed through the many farmhouses in town, getting more dirty looks along the way. Orion and Tullio arrived at an encampment filled with tents of various sizes. A particularly large white tent loomed ahead.
“This is the one, son,” Tullio said. “Our healers are swamped, but someone inside should be able to tend to your wound. Also, the captain wants to speak to you in his tent once you’re finished.”
[ ]
“Got it,” Orion said.
Wait, Orion
has expectations that his wound can actually be treated? If so / not, it might’ve been worth showing that off a bit through his thoughts in the narration.
“Good deal. Take care of yerself.” The Simisage gave the Absol a pat on the shoulder, causing him to flinch, before turning and walking away.
Orion grumbled. Don’t touch me again, geezer.
As he stepped into the tent, the sharp stench of blood filled his nostrils. Inside, several Pokémon wearing white ribbons hurried between rows of beds, every one of them occupied. Some of the patients were soldiers that Orion had seen on the battlefield. Others lay completely still, their bodies concealed beneath sheets.
A Volbeat wearing a white ribbon approached him. “Hey! What do you think you’re doing here?”
Orion: “I’m sorry, do you not see the stomach wound transparently dribbling blood right now?”
“I’m here to get my wound dressed. Is that a problem?”
[ ]
“We only service Peacekeepers here! I’ve never seen you before. Get out.”
Orion scowled at him. “I was sent here by Captain Berg and First Sergeant Tullio. Do I need to get one of them here?”
Um… if you want to be safe, you probably
should go and flag down Tullio before things come to blows, Orion. ^^;
The Volbeat chuckled. “Oh, they know better not to send a civilian here.”
Are you really this dense? “I’m a mercenary, not a civilian,” Orion grumbled.
“Really now?” The Volbeat inspected the Absol, noticing the bleeding laceration on his stomach. “Fine, you can have some bandages. But only because I don’t want your putrid blood dripping in my tent. Then you need to get out.”
Orion: “Seriously.
Fuck. This. Town. That bag of Lucitas can’t come fast enough.” >_>;
Certainly won’t help make your hospital smell any better. Prick.
Or keep him alive any longer if there happen to be a couple patients in the background that are leaking black haze right about now.
After a moment, the Volbeat returned with a roll of cotton bandages. “Hold still,” he ordered, wrapping the bandages around Orion’s stomach.
Orion shut his eyes tightly, resisting the urge to lash out at the Volbeat, who was handling the bandages with little care and causing him pain. He couldn’t imagine how the other patients were treated here.
I mean, it helps that your doctor basically sees you as the equivalent of subhuman, so…
Suddenly, a tingling sensation rippled through his horn, intensifying until it pulsed with a dull ache. In the distance, the wind rose to a fierce howl, carrying with it the metallic odor of ozone. The fur along his body stood on end, sensitive to the crackling static in the air, and his ears ached, as though the atmosphere itself was pressing in on him.
A massive thunderstorm is heading this way. Probably will hit overnight.
Oh, so Orion
does have disaster-vision like Absol allegedly do in the Pokédex. That’s definitely an ominous sign there.
“Hey! Are you listening?” the Volbeat shouted. “You having a wet dream or something? I said you’re done!”
Orion opened his eyes to see the Volbeat hovering before him, a sour expression on his face. “You’ve already disrupted our triage. Now get out! We have more important patients to deal with!”
With that, the Volbeat rudely shoved him out of the tent. [ ]
Kinda wonder if Orion should’ve gotten in some thoughts on the way out since something about the ending note feels a bit disconnected from his thought process.
“Gods, I need some smokes. . .”
First Sergeant Tullio was drained. He had already gone around the encampment and conducted his roll call. Many soldiers were dead or injured, with some still unaccounted for. The battle from hours ago had taken its toll on his aging joints, and the ungrateful attitudes of the mayor and townspeople had only fueled his frustration. They had shown no gratitude for his or Captain Berg’s help when they first arrived, and now they were causing a commotion over a mercenary from an unknown unit.
Oh, well
that’s different there.
Even if this is likely going to be the first and last time we see things from his PoV.
Is he really a mercenary though? he wondered. He had those markings. . .
Obviously not, though I’m surprised that he
noticed that Orion had markings beyond his stomach wound.
The Absol bore black markings around his eyes, similar to the dark eyelids of a Sandile. Such markings were typically a custom among wild Pokémon clans, used to brand their members—a proud symbol of their heritage. The older a member became, the more tattoos they would collect. Yet, oddly, the mercenary only had tattoos around his eyes. . .
Huh. Wonder if we’ll get to see some more of those clans later in the story, since it sounds like it could be a potentially be a neat / trippy aesthetic to behold.
Couldn’t be a foreigner though. Did he leave the Absol Clan at a young age?
I feel like the underlined is missing a reason articulating the ‘why not’ since while
Tuillo knows enough in-setting about why that’s not possible, we as readers don’t at the moment.
This appeared to be the only explanation. After all, the Absol Clan had been wiped out years ago. To see a living, breathing Absol in this day and age. . .what could it mean?
That the Absol Clan was less wiped out than advertised, of course.
After a short walk through town, Tullio arrived at the captain’s tent. First Lieutenant Ajita was already seated across from the captain’s desk, her catlike eyes locked onto his with a piercing gaze. Though her expression seemed stern, Tullio knew well that she was kinder than she appeared.
Berg was seated at a large desk, one big enough to match Tullio’s height. A small stack of paperwork sat in front of him.
“That you, Sarge?” Berg asked. “Go ahead, take a seat. We were just talking about the state of the town.”
That it’s speedrunning the process of destroying its audience sympathy before
it inevitably gets overrun by Shadows? ^^;
The old Simisage nodded and took a seat next to Ajita. An air of unease filled the room.
“Got the status report?” Berg asked.
“Yes, sir. 85 of us are still in one piece. 22 currently rest in the field hospital. 14 pronounced dead. And over 50 soldiers are missing and unaccounted for, most likely back at the forward base. We’ve also been getting complaints about the hospital’s smell.”
Wait, this all happened in
one day? How on earth is the Cresselia Company
combat effective in its present state?
“I heard,” the captain replied, rubbing his temple. “We might have to dig up a mass grave if we can’t bring the bodies back to their families. When? Hell if I know.”
I’m surprised that they didn’t
already dig a mass grave instead of just exposing the bodies to the elements.
[ ]
Ajita chimed in, “I’ve received reports from our scouts. The nearby towns are in ruins. Lusang and Bluewood have refused to send reinforcements, and I haven’t heard anything from Emerald Valley yet. It’s possible the Shadows have taken our scout.”
[ ]
“So, we’re on our own,” Tullio said. “What now? We can’t keep this up.”
A couple spots where IMO it’d have made sense to drop in some reactions/thought processes from the different characters, especially from Tuillo, since I’m not sure if there’s many other moments that we’ll really get to see things from his perspective in the future
since IIRC he’s slated to die with most of Cresselia Company.
“We’ll have to evacuate,” Berg responded. “As far we’re concerned, this town is lost.”
I mean, yeah. Even if
I hadn’t been spoiled to Vera not existing within the span of like two chapters, the fact that
every villager we’ve seen codes as some combination of an asshole and a bigot was basically a giant sign screaming that Vera wasn’t long for this world.
Though I’m surprised they were
actively preventing unilateral attempts to flee the town if things were dicey even up to this point. It might have made sense to articulate the “why” sometime around when that blurb was brought up.
[ ]
“Where will we go?”
“Our best bet is Emerald Valley. We can’t trust anybody else to help us.”
Wait, but Emerald Valley didn’t give an affirmation yet. ^^;
I do wonder if the point would’ve been stronger if it was played as “Everyone else openly rejected us, they haven’t yet. They’re our best shot at the moment.”
Ajita’s ears twitched. [ ]
“But that’s so far! We have no idea what’s waiting for us at the Condemned Plains!”
“If you have a better plan, Lieutenant, I’m listening.”
[ ] The Meowstic dropped her face into her paws.
“You’re right, Captain. But how will we convince that old crone to agree to this plan?”
Berg: “We point out that Cresselia Company’s combat ineffective from the number of losses we’ve already taken and that if we all dig our heels in, the most likely outcome is that we all become Shadow chow?”
The Chesnaught shook his head. “The mayor is a lost cause. Let her do what she wants. That doesn’t mean we can’t convince the rest of the townspeople to come with us.”
[ ]
“It’ll be difficult,” Tullio said. “We need to spread the word tonight and give everyone time to pack up their belongings. The medics won’t be happy about the news, but we’ll transport the injured in wagons if we have to.”
Ajita nodded. “Agreed.”
I’m surprised that they’re not looking at the equivalent of medivacing their wounded with anything that can fly since you’d think that mobility and taking your chances with outrunning the Shadows would result in fewer casualties than trying to move in a slow caravan considering how attempting to hold the fort got over a third of Cresselia Company WIA/KIA just today.
From outside, Tullio heard a gravelly voice. “Hello? Is this Captain Berg’s tent?”
[ ]
“Is that you, Orion?” the captain responded.
As soon as the Absol entered the tent, the smell of damp fur, sweat and decay filled the air. His stomach was wrapped in bandages. Tullio noticed Ajita wincing and covering her nose.
Ajita: “Good
gods, ‘mon. How have you not taken a bath? I thought you were sent for medical treatment!”
Orion: “Yeah, bring it up with the asshole running the place who couldn’t shove me out the door fast enough.”
“How are you feeling?” Berg asked.
Orion: “Like I want my Lucitas and to leave this bigoted hick backwater to its fate.” >_>;
“Not much different,” Orion replied. “Though your doctors have a rotten attitude. That one Volbeat could use a day on the battlefield.”
Berg sighed. [ ]
“They’re all we have. Anyway. . .” He reached into the desk and pulled out a burlap sack, about the size of a watmel berry. “Consider this your advance. 10,000 lucitas in total.”[
Tullio felt the urge to leap to his feet but stayed seated. 10,000!? Had the captain lost his mind!?
The Absol looked equally stunned. “W-wow. 10,000, huh?”
Another spot where it’d be worth it to show off more of the characters’ reactions/Tuillo’s thought process here.
Orion: “Alright, and I’ll just be taking my leave right now-”
[ ]
“From our budget!?” Ajita asked.
“No, from my own personal savings,” Berg replied. “I have no use for it now. I feel like you need it more than I do.”
Orion hesitated before taking the sack in his teeth and placing it on the ground in front of him. [ ]
“I don’t know what to say, except. . .I guess. . .thank you.”
I kinda feel like there’s room to expand on either Orion’s reaction here, or else show off more of how Tuillo is responding to things.
The captain nodded. “I suggest you stay at the encampment for a while. Get to know my company. We’re having an officers’ meeting now, and we’ll update you and everyone else on our plans soon.”
[ ]
“Before I go,” Orion replied, “there are some things I have to tell you.”
“Oh?”
With a grim expression, he continued, “A massive storm is headed our way tonight. This town lacks electrical lighting, so if the oil lamps go out, some of us will be left in the dark. If anything, it’s the perfect opportunity for the Shadows to return.”
Oh, so Vera is
doomed, doomed. Since I’m not convinced the Shadows won’t instantly take advantage of that.
The captain sprang to his feet. [ ]
“What!?”
“Hold on,” Ajita interrupted. “How do you know this?”
“It’s a special ability his species has,” Tullio calmly explained. “Absols can sense subtle shifts in the weather faster than most of us, which lets them predict when a natural disaster is approaching ahead of time.”
Orion’s eyes lit up. “You’re certainly well informed.”
Tuillo was involved in the extermination of the Absol Clan, wasn’t he?
The Simisage chuckled. “I wasn’t born yesterday, son. I’ve been with the Peacekeepers for over 15 years and learned a bit on your kind. I’ve seen my fair share of death and despair.”
[ ]
“Then it seems we have no choice but to stay the night,” Berg said, running his claws over his head. “If the storm is that severe, we can’t leave until morning. Damn it!”
He slammed his fist into the desk, causing it to crack in half and sending papers flying. The others stared in silence, unsure how to respond.
“What a waste of a perfectly good desk. . .” the captain grumbled. “That’s what I get for losing my head.”
Wait, but aren’t you
also going to have “we’re in the dark” problems if you try to flee Vera right now? Since there’s apparently Shadows en route to Emerald Valley and all, so…
“W-well then,” Ajita broke the silence. “I guess that’s our cue to act ASAP.”
“There’s one more thing,” Orion continued. “Those bodies I mentioned? Burn them.”
[ ]
“I-I beg your pardon?”
“The ones you left on the side of the road, captain. They’ve been infected. If you don’t burn them soon, they’ll come back to life and attack the town.”
Berg: “Why are you bringing this up
now of all times?! We left them by the road almost an hour back!”
Orion: “I was more under the impression that it was a short walk outside of town, honestly.” ^^;
[ ] The Meowstic rose to her feet.
“Are you insane? Come back to life? That’s impossible!”
“Didn’t you hear me?” the Absol replied, his tone growing more aggressive. “They’re infected. We can’t save them, but we can stop them from coming back up!”
I actually wonder what the path not taken in this story of there being a “zombie infectee” soldier that returned would’ve looked like here.
[ ]
“Listen, I don’t know who you think you are, but I won’t tolerate you disrespecting the dead! Those fallen soldiers deserve to be back with their families! What you’re suggesting is blasphemous!”
Who is saying this here? Berg, or Ajita?
Tullio cleared his throat, suppressing his sympathy for the fallen. He knew what needed to be done.
“At this point, cremation might be the best way to dispose of the bodies. We can’t bring them with us in the middle of our evacuation. If what he said is true, then this is the best thing we could do for them.”
I think that Tuillo’s moment here should’ve leaned a bit harder on his specific thought process here, since it feels a bit weird that we’re not seeing more of that from a scene written from his PoV.
Ajita stared at him in disbelief. [ ]
“Sarge, you can’t be serious. We don’t even know this Pokémon. How can we trust his word? And how will the townspeople react? You know that they’ll protest against this.”
“Do as he says,” Berg repeated. “The townspeople don’t need to know.”
[ ]
“B-but, Captain?”
Berg: “Lieutenant, I know that this is going to be hard to hear, but the ‘mon
knows things about those monsters. Given that we owe our lives to him right now, I have no real reason to contest his advice right now.”
[ ]
“This meeting is adjourned. Lieutenant, gather some volunteers and spread the word about the evacuation. Make sure everyone is fed too. Once we leave Vera in the morning, we won’t have time to make any stops.”
The Meowstic cast him a dejected glance. “Yes, sir. . .”
[ ]
“I’m sorry, Aji. But if what Orion says is true, then this could be our last night on this earth. The walls are already closing in on us. We need to do everything in our power to keep as many of us alive as possible. And if something were to happen to me. . .I want you to take charge of this company.”
I wonder if that means that more of Cresselia Company will be surviving this time around, since I could’ve sworn that in the v1 that everyone other than Orion and Hesh just straight-up died.
Ajita nodded. “I hope that day never comes. May the Creator protect us. . .”
Before leaving the tent, the Meowstic cast one last glance at Orion. Her cold stare softened into one of sorrow, as if silently asking, “How could you?” Without another word, she turned and walked out.
The Absol let out a sigh, clearly uneasy about the entire situation. “Well, see you around.” He picked up his sack of lucitas and left the tent.
Orion: “...
Kinda get the feeling that I should’ve just kept my mouth shut and let you die happy minus the last five minutes or so, but whatever. You have
a chance now, even if it’s kinda crappy at the moment.”
Tullio glanced at Berg, who remained fixated on the shattered remains of his desk. It was clear the captain had a lot on his mind.
“Are you feeling alright, sir?” he asked.
The bit in underlined feels like it’d be more impactful articulated in Tuillo’s words a bit more.
Without turning to face the Simisage, the captain muttered, “If I had known how this mission would’ve turned out, I never would’ve accepted it. I thought I was more than capable of handling the Shadow Pokémon. But it turns out I know next to nothing about them. They’re nothing like the Serapíans or the Asa’i Hara’min. Ha ha ha. . .”
The Simisage approached the captain and patted his arm. [ ]
“None of this is your fault, sir. The chain of command didn’t give us the intel we needed.”
Berg gave a resigned grin. “What a fool I’ve been, Sarge.”
inb4 this was all some elaborate plan by Hesh’s dad to knock off his kid, since the sheer amount of intel failure here wraps around to the point where one almost has to stop and wonder if it was deliberate.
