I walked down the stairs to the living room of my home. My mom was waiting at the table. Her messy frazzled blonde hair matched mine, as we both tended not to brush it as often as we should. Her Falinks were all over the place, its six bodies cleaning various parts of the room, or just chilling.
“Good morning Erick.” She said, There was a tone of voice that I couldn’t quite place about her. For now, I ignored it, walking to the kitchen and starting up the stove.
“Morning, mom. Want anything specific in your omelet today?” I asked.
I’d been making her breakfast, lunch, and dinner ever since I was a boy. I found out cooking was my passion, and Chex and I had been working on becoming professional cooks ever since.
If I had a nickel for every story I’d read this Review Blitz with a single mother with questionable parenting skills who pressured their child onto going on a journey they didn’t want to, I’d have two nickels. Something something you know the rest of the meme here.
“The usual is fine.” She said.
There was something almost fake about the way she spoke. I heard her make her way upstairs as I began to crack some eggs in the pan.
I feel like there should be something a bit more explicit than this indicated about what’s ‘wrong’ about the tone of voice that Erick’s mom has right now. Like is it something about the tone? The enunciation? Something completely different?
“Chex, would you grab the moomoo milk from the fridge?” I asked.
The farfetch’d did so as I whisked some peppers into the pan. Chex threw me the milk, which I caught without even thinking about it. I was in the zone, my arms moving into autopilot. Soon enough, breakfast was ready.
Well, I suppose that’s certainly befitting of a kid whose life ambition is to become a chef. He’s certainly got some skill there, even if I kinda wish we got to see that shown off a bit more by describing a bit more of the process of him whipping up these eggs a bit.
]“Before we give some to mom, here you are Chex.”
I handed him an omelet of his own. He smiled at me, setting his large leek to the side and starting to eat. I walked into the living room with my own plate and my mom’s.
“Mom! Breakfast!”
Mom walked down the stairs holding…
Was that my bag?
Erick: “... Mom? What on earth are you
doing right now?”
“Thank you, sweetie. Please take a seat. We have something to talk about.”
[ ]
“Mom I- What is this?” I asked, a little frantic “Mom I-”
[ ]
“Sit. Your ass. Down.” Mom said firmly. I sat, and gave her the omelet I made for her and sat. “Erick, It’s been six years since you turned ten, and you still haven't left. You haven't gone on your pokemon journey.”
You probably want to spend some time describing the characters’ reactions a bit, especially since whatever it is about Erick’s mom’s reaction here that unnerves him doesn’t really come through for the readers at the moment.
“Because I don’t want to!” I repeated, exasperated. “Not everyone needs to leave the house when they’re ten! I don’t even want to be a trainer! I want to be a chef! Like dad!”
[ ]
“Don’t you dare speak about your father!” My mom yelled. I stopped dead in my tracks. “Your father was no man to look up to.”
Another spot there where it makes sense to describe the mood of the characters a bit. Though boy,
this is getting dark fast. I’m honestly a little surprised that Erick’s mom
tolerates him cooking food for her at all considering how opinionated she is about his chef dad.
“I just-” I searched for the right words in my head. “I just love cooking. I don’t want to go out and fight random kids on the side of the street. I don’t want to leave home before I’m an adult! And I don’t want to make Chex fight!”
“That Farfetch’d of yours is a fighting type,” my mom scoffed, joking in a way. She then shifted into a more serious tone. “I’ve let you loaf around this house for six years more than I should. Erick, you need to go out on your own. Professor Elm is starting a new program today, giving partner pokemon to kids who are delinquents. Who haven't left home yet. Kids like you-”
Oh, right, these two were originally from
Galar. I suppose that’s a sign that Chex made the jump along with them back in the day.
“I am not a delinquent!” I shouted. Chex growled slightly. “And I already have a partner. Caught him with dad when I was seven.”
I immediately realized I had gone too far. Mom looked at me, shocked. Her face white.
“Get out.”
Wow, real Mother of the Year material there. /s
Though I think you probably want to elaborate on what the “I had gone too far” reaction was, since aside from mentioning “dad”, Erick doesn’t really do anything obviously wrong from the average reader’s perspective.
“What? Mom I didn’t mean it I-”
“Go to Elm’s. Get another partner. Then we can talk.” She said under her breath. It was more of a whisper.
[ ]
Erick:
Even if you ideally want to
describe Erick bouncing out of the house a bit more explicitly than you presently do.
I arrived at Professor Elm's Lab to see two other kids about my age. One was a girl with short red hair and freckles all over. She was fidgeting with the sleeve of her letterman jacket. She seemed very nervous. The other kid was wearing a clean light orange button up shirt. They were looking at themself in the camera of their phone, combing their hair. They turned to me, and smirked a bit.
“You here for the J.A.D.E. Program?” they asked.
Some more newline and capitalization errors here in this bit.
“The- The what?”
They rolled their eyes at me. “The ‘Johto Advancement of Delinquents Education’ program.”
Well,
that certainly is an on-the-nose name there.
“I guess,” I sighed. Chex leaned his head against me.
[ ]
“Interesting Farfetch’d you got there,” the Kid said. “You must be from Galar.”
You probably want to describe a bit more about how “the Kid” is reacting here as a mood-setting thing.
“Yeah.” I sighed. “I’m uh, Erick by the way. This is Chex.” Chex made a nod of approval.
“Shank,” they smiled back, shaking my hand.
I almost laughed at the absolute ridiculousness of their name. [ ]
“So are you here just for not leaving the house, or something more… Interesting? I mean, you have a partner already, yet you’re in this program, so what is it?”
It probably makes sense to describe Shank’s reaction to Erick a bit more before continuing on with his dialogue here. Though does
everyone in this region see kids staying at home past 10 to be a sign of being a deadbeat or something?
“I didn’t leave. I don’t ever want to if I’m being honest I just didn’t want to upset my mo-”
I was cut off by a shriek. Chex was staring a little confused at the ginger girl, who looked mortified. Chex seemed to shrug and walk back to me, and Shank laughed.
“Sorry, Malls!” They smiled. “Molly over there is here because she wouldn’t leave home either. She’s afraid of Pokemon.”
Erick: “... Fantastic.”
[ ]
“And you?” I asked “Why are you here?”
“Cybercrimes.” Shank laughed slightly. “I kept trying to buy shiny pokemon on the black market.”
Oh, so Shank is the kid here who’s
actually trouble from the entire group. That’s… uh… quite a bad sign for how Chex is going to fare in the next chapter, really.
“You can just… Do that?” I was a little taken aback.
“Yeah.” Shank said, absentmindedly. “But that’s the least interesting thing about me! I collect premier balls, I’m an Iono superfan, and one time, I met the Marnie in person.”
[ ]
“Marnie?” I asked. “The one from Spikemuth?”
“Hell yeah, dude.” Shank grinned
[ ]
“I’m from Spikemuth too!” I smiled.
You probably want to show off more of Erick’s thought process as he’s gradually warming up to Shank here in spite of being obviously rough around the edges what with him having familiarity with Erick’s home region that he clearly still has feelings for.
“Uh, so uh, Guys…” Molly stuttered, interrupting us. “Should we, uh, g- go inside?”
[ ]
“I suppose.” Shank huffed.
They were about to open the door when a group of three kids burst out on their own. They looked about ten, and they were holding a Cyndaquil, Chikorita, and Totodile respectively. I watched them walk away, and struggled to hold back my expression of annoyance.
Molly: “Oh well, there’s no more starters, so I guess we can just turn right around and-”
“D- Don’t like watching other kids get to go on their adventures, huh?” Molly said quietly. “I can uh, relate.”
“Something like that” I sighed.
We walked into the lab as Elm was crouched over something. He was clearly working hard, piercing something together that I just couldn’t quite see.
Elm, what on earth are you doing there?
“Mister, uh, Elm?” Shanks laughed awkwardly. Elm groaned without even looking up.
“Intern!” He yelled.
A girl who couldn’t have been older than seventeen with dark skin and a large mess of curly black hair on her head, as well as a golden geodude with black rocks poking from it floating right behind her ran in.
“Yes sir?” She asked hurriedly. Her demeanor was very anxious.
“Make yourself useful and show the charity cases over to the Workroom B for me. I have my important meeting in Workroom A.” He slurred. I noticed a few empty bottles of ‘Budew lite’ around his workspace. “After that, you can get me another beer. Oh, and remember, you’re prettier when you smile.”
Well, I can see where the ‘sexism’ cw in the preamble came from, even if that’s… uh… quite a characterization for Professor Elm, there.
“Of course, sir” She said, smiling. and then
She then led us over to a side room with light blue wallpaper. The second we were out of Elm’s view, she started to mutter all kinds of profanities about him. She left us alone in the room, and we stared at each other for a moment.
… Wonderful professor, there! /s
“That was certainly something that just happened,” Shanks laughed slightly. He glanced over to the table in the center of the workroom. “Oh look! These must be the pokemon Elm’s going to let us use!”
We all glanced over with a mixture of nervousness, excitement, and dread as we saw three labels in front of the premier balls, which were sitting in an open briefcase.
“Iron… Bundle? Iron Hands? Iron Valiant?” Shank read. “What are these things?
I’m sorry,
what?
Do I
want to know how on earth Elm got his hands on these?
“No clue.” I said.
“Maybe it’s a nickname?” Molly suggested. I sighed.
“Well, I have literally no clue what they mean, but who wants what?” Shank grinned. I appreciated their energy if nothing else.
“I suppose I’ll take the ‘Bundle’,” Molly said. I was surprised to see her choose first, as she was most definitely afraid.
Ah yes, just giving the girl with the crippling phobia of Pokémon the one that canonically has a dubious grasp on not being a living hazard to humans and other Pokémon. What on earth could possibly go wrong there?
“Well, I’m curious about ‘Iron hands’, so that leaves you with ‘Valiant’” Shank grinned.
I sighed and looked over to Chex, who did a ‘thumbs up’ best he could with his free wing. I shrugged and picked up the ball. The second I did, I felt a deep understanding in my chest. Whatever was in this pokeball was afraid. It was angry.
Waaaaait, is that meant to be some sort of psychic thingy? Since you never mentioned Erick having this sort of understanding with Chex at all prior to this point.
But more than anything, it was alone.
Suddenly a loud shout could be heard from outside the room. “You scatterbrained, good for nothing woman!” Elm shrieked. “You’ve embarrassed me in front of a client! Get those losers out of there, now!”
Boy, Elm has
really fallen off since the G/S days. Wonder if he was affected by Samuel Oak’s death or something.
“O- Oh. Should we put these back then?” Molly asked. “Sounds like they aren't ours.”
“Hand them to me, I remember what order they were in!” Shank said hurriedly. “Quick!”
Just as we did, Elm’s intern burst in through the door. “This is coming out of your paycheck!” Elm was screeching.
“Please, come with me.”
The intern said. We followed her out of the room. She seemed to not notice the pokeballs on the table had even been tampered with. I sighed in relief, and we swapped Workrooms to Workroom B. along the way we passed an older man wearing a suit. There was some sort of red emblem on his breast pocket, but I couldn’t quite make it out.
Well, I guess the gang won’t be getting Paradox Pokémon so easily after all.
“Now, I’m going to seal the deal with my client in there, and you are going to show these shitstains that I care about the community, so the government will get off my ass about the starter pokemon, and if you fuck up one more thing today, I’m going to make it known to every seaport in Johto that you are never to leave this country. Do I make myself clear?” Elm seethed, practically spitting all over his poor intern. She stared defiantly back at him.
“Crystal,” she said. Elm left to go meet with his other client, and the intern sighed. Her geodude gave her a hug, and she turned to us three. “Hello J.A.D.E. Program.”
Elm’s rant here feels a bit long-winded, even if I was drawing a few blanks on
where to suggest breaking up his speech to his intern to slot in his speech tag.
“What’s good?” Shank grinned. Their feet were on the table as they had made themselves comfortable. “He seems like a joy to work for, by the way.”
The intern smiled softly at the sarcasm. “My name is Shannon Dawson. I used to be a trainer, but my dream in life is to study regional forms. This is my partner, Nugget. She’s a geodude from Alola.”
You’re a bit far from home, huh, lady?
“Is she shiny?” Shank asked.
“No shit, sherlock. Back off by the way, I know exactly why each of you is here.” She nodded to Nugget, who clicked a button, beginning a powerpoint. “Welcome, you three, to the first batch of the J.A.D.E. program. You three are the kinds of kids that would be targeted by the likes of team rocket to join their ranks.”
She flashed to the next slide, showing a photo of Shank’s face. It was a picture of them flipping off the camera next to several women in bikinis, a pile of money, several masterballs, and five bikes scattered around the room
[B“[/B]You’re rambunctious.”
… Wait,
what. Shank’s been able to do all of that in this little podunk town? Though I gave some small suggestions here and there for ways to tighten your last paragraph up a bit.
“I spent a whole afternoon photoshopping that.” Shank whispered, winking at me.
Oh, I suppose that’s a much easier and more plausible explanation there. Even if Shank is giving a
whole lot of reasons in live-time as to why he should be the absolute
last kid to be allowed anywhere near a Paradox ‘mon.
Shannon flicked it to the next slide, this time it was Molly’s picture, a school picture from a year ago. Her smile made her look like she was under an active threat.
“Unsure.”
Finally, it switched to my own face. A picture of me and Chex cuddling under a heap of blankets I’d taken for Instagranbull.
“And most of all, Lazy.”
She changed to the next slide, with three question marks.
“You haven’t left the house to go out on your own pokemon journey. You haven’t applied to Elm’s office to get a starter of your own. Luckily, your parents did that for you.”
She flipped to the next slide, it was a picture of champion lance.
“Lance has issued this program as a way to prevent crime in Johto, requiring each professor to act as a patron for three older kids into on their own journey. As such, you three will be given starter pokemon, Running shoes, and the older model of pokedex.”
Shannon’s big paragraph here feels like it’s several paragraphs of content that have all been smushed together.
Shank sighed. “Cool. Great. I’ll take Cyndaquil then.”
“Not so fast.” Shannon smiled weakly. “The government didn’t exactly fund us well enough to breed you fresh starters, so you three are getting some of Elm’s old research pokemon he no longer needs.”
I sure hope that those aren’t those Paradox Pokémon that they just ran into like five minutes ago.
“So we get trash?” Shank asked, annoyed. I sighed and Chex let out a grunt. Molly seemed a little relieved.
“No pokemon is trash.” Shannon snapped. Molly jumped out of fear. “Journeys are not about being the strongest. They are about following a dream. Any pokemon can be strong if you train with it enough.”
Ah yes, Karen’s relative detected. Since boy is
that speech familiar.
“W- What are the starters then?” Molly asked. Shannon looked at her and smiled a bit.
“Sorry for snapping, I’m just having a hard day.” Shannon said. “Your first starter option is from Galar, She was used to help Elm collect data on the eating habits of pokemon, and is known for eating the occasional tin can.”
Shannon laughed, tossing out a pokeball containing a cramorant with a few gray feathers. It looked up at us and squawked, before sitting down contently.
So, what’s the over/under of Erick going straight for this one due to nostalgia?
“Next, we have a fiery little boy, he helped Professor Elm research evolution methods! He’s known for being a bit stubborn around the office, but he’s very food motivated,” she said, releasing a small Salandit who looked up at us curiously.
“Finally, we have a pokemon that was used to test resistance to heat. Turns out that sunlight and fire are two very different things!” She released a Maractus, who immediately tried to pet the salandit, before he burned her. “She really likes fire types.”
Oh, so Elm’s
still doing a type trio there. Though I like how all of these Pokémon are ones that can’t evolve here.
“So to recap,” Shank said. “We have a really old bird who eats trash, a Salandit who can’t evolve, and a Maractus who loves the one thing that kills it?”
“Yup” Shannon smiled. “But each of them is in their own right a fantastic partner, and I’m sure would be a great addition to any team if you gave them a shot.”
Shank:
Shannon: “Look, nobody asked you for your opinion, kid.” >_>;
I noticed out of the corner of my eye, that Chex had gone over and started playing with the Salandit. I chuckled to myself slightly. “I guess I’m taking the little guy.” I smiled. Shannon looked down and saw the two playing and smiled.
“Very good! You gonna nickname him?” she asked. I looked down at him and he and Chex looked at me. I stared into his purple eyes, and smiled.
“Pepper.” I decided. “His name is Pepper.”
Pepper smiled and came up to me, nuzzling his head into my foot. I hadn’t wanted to get a new partner, but the little guy was just so cute, and he and Chex got along. It was better than nothing.
I see that
someone had his games and his cooking on his mind as part of his naming there.
“You really did choose the worst option there, bud.” Shank smiled. “I’ll take the Cramorant, whom I will affectionately nickname ‘Crammy.’”
Yeah, I can already tell that Shank’s going to switcheroo Crammy for Iron Hands later on. Though I see that you’re building him up to be Erick’s ‘Silver’ there.
The Cramorant jumped up and into Shank’s lap. “Hi Crammy,” He said. I let out another laugh at the absurdness of Shank’s naming skills. They smirked at me. “Don’t judge me.”
“I- uh.” Molly was shaking slightly. The Maractus slid up to her and put out one hand. Molly timidly shook it.
“Would you like to name her?” Shannon asked.
“Pricilla.” Molly said. Pricilla did a little dance of approval. [ ]
“Well then, you three are ready.” Shannon smiled.
It probably makes sense to give some indication of Shannon’s mood right now. Like is she genuinely happy? Is she just thankful to get these kids out of her hair before Elm wrecks her day, or…?
“Yeah! And you can stop talking to us like you’re more than a year older than us!” Shanks responded with mock enthusiasm.
“Stop harassing her, she probably gets that enough from Elm.” I smirked. She laughed slightly
“No, it’s quite alright.” Shannon laughed. “I get it. I am only seventeen. Just saving money to move to Alola to study regional forms down there permanently.”
Wait, huh? Then how does she
already have an Alolan Pokémon right now if she’s never been there? .-.
“H- Hopefully the professor up there is nicer.” Molly laughed slightly.
“That’s the dream.” Shannon said. She grabbed a box for each of us, containing an old ‘Oak edition’ pokedex and a pair of running shoes. We thanked her, and left the room. Just as we were leaving, I saw Elm’s client leaving with the same briefcase that was holding those premiere balls from earlier. We thanked Shannon and exited the lab as well.
[ ]
“I wonder what was in those premier balls.” I said as we walked down a sidewalk on our way home.
“Won’t have to wonder much longer.” Shank smirked. They reached into their pocket and pulled out three premier balls…
[ ]
You had a typo on ‘Premier’ balls, also keep your capitalization consistent. You probably also want to add more of a reaction/active thought by Erick on the Paradox ‘mons before he brings the topic of conversation up, and also have him react a bit more to seeing that Shank just straight-up stole Pokémon from Elm there.
Though yeah, I just
knew that Shank was going to pull something like this.
