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Chapter 8- Heated: Command

Kiba Makuro

Junior Trainer
Pronouns
He/Him, They/Them
Posted January 29th, 2025
Chapter Summary
T'nuri, Team Kirigiri, and Elder have found themselves in quite the situation on the bladed gravesite mountain as it's time to put their battling and investigation skills together to clear out the Ruinous Fog on Kuanalio for once and for all. No one knows what awaits them, especially since they come across even more. Will they make it out unscathed?​

On the summit of the bladed mountain, far above Aenivland Village, T'nuri, Alejandrien, Kaliente, Emile and Elder Rapidash stood in awe. Decorated swords, lances, and axes were lodged tight into the stone. Bits of rust and dirt caked on them shone as the sun set. The land below them crackled, as a tremor ran amok, jumbling the soil into the fog above. Faint red, and orange speckled vapor encircled the five Pokémon as the twilight sky darkened further.


“Cerooo!” the two vapor-like beings called.

As the earth shook, memories of early this morning rang through T'nuri's skull-helmet.


Words chanted in the sea of white clouds where Pa'a Lepo normally had a teal ocean. Cries from otherworldly voices while the Cubone, and all of Team Kirigiri, fled the troubled waters with Team Zháo.

But still, the voices, ones from within the sea back then did not leave without a parting gift.


Cero Iglesia most high.”

The Cubone's thoughts spun. If that was the case, then what was low?


Another wall of Ruinous Fog emerged, caging Team Kirigiri away from Elder Rapidash. Black, orange and red hues blocked the left, while dark grey ones walled right, neither moving a centri.


But still, they weren't alone.


“Cero!”

That terribly frightening roar ushered in a tidal wave of broiling heated fog. At the center, two forms emerged, pitch blackness with purple droplets cloaking their bodies from top to bottom. Their cries might as well have been a command. Surrender or die. Slowly but surely, the figures lost the mist obfuscating them. From the haze emerged two Pokémon? One small and light blue, the other large and white. The former was quite familiar to the Fogcutters and the Elder. A haunting reminder of the previous tragedy, flickering embers, and dancing fire, all across their body. Whilst the other flooded with corruption, a reminder of the perlious journey.


“Cerooo!” the larger one cried, stamping its hooves on the broken ground, fire whipping in its wake.


Just afterwards, a flood of water soaked the earth, the waves jostling Team Kirigiri as it came up to their bellies. “Ceroo!” the smaller one called back in reply.


“What in Lunala's seas is going on!?” T'nuri screamed, holding her bone-club high above her head, arms trembling.


“Lunala's seas?” Alejandrien asked. “What?”


The Cubone groaned. “Nevermind that now!” Shoot. She thought. I forgot not to mention that! they'll ask about the flooded kingdom nonstop!


“Look alive mates!” Kaliente yelled, barely managing his footing with Emile.


“Tu ayudes? Do you need help?” the Grookey dug her paws into the ground, tiny roots burying into the soil.


“Nah, I'm good.”


Fast fast fast! “Woah!” the Cubone yelped.


The Jangmo-o beside her grabbed her shoulder.“Hang on, partner!”


Emile strained forward, but the broken earth in between kept the two just out of reach. “Stay strong!” she urged.


“I'll try!” T'nuri cried.


Water rushed all around to the wall of Ruinous Fog around them, alongside hotter, larger flames. Like earlier, fire bathed on the left while flooding cooked the right, neatly divided in chaos. After a few moments the onslaught subsided. Unfortunately, T'nuri and Alejandrien fell, doubled over, chins, and upper bodies drenched in the toxic fluid. Great, T'nuri thought. Just what I sparking needed.


“Ooh,” Emile winced, her tail lowering in sympathy.


Kaliente patted down his own scales.“Are ya two okay?”


“A lil, partner,” Alejandrien grunted as they shook off the muck.


“Ugh, yeah, this is worse than the poison, but I'm good,” the Cubone grumbled, before she gagged and spat out a dark liquid. Snuffing awful taste, so awful.


But the Fogcutters couldn't get too comfortable, for a wind picked up behind two figures in the center of the gravesite battleground.


“Ceroo!” the two hidden forms cried.


As quickly as they could, T'nuri and Alejandrien scrambled behind the largest tombstone. Moments later the final layer of mist on their unknown foes cleared.


“What are those mockeries!” Elder Rapidash gasped from behind the wall of fog blocking the gravesite, her eyes wide in terror. “That beast has mine form, but t’was spawned by flames!”


Hidden behind the gravestone, Team Kirigiri caught their breath.

“And what in bloody waters is that!?” Kaliente screamed.


Emile ducked down as she shifted behind him. “Why is it blue?”

“That Wooper’s all watery, like the very sea drowned out all the poison!”


Its horizontal horns would herald a torrential downpour! “It's gonna kill us!” T'nuri cried, trembling behind Alejandrien who sighed.


“Please y’all,” the Jangmo-o stepped in front of their three teammates. “Don't worry about their appearance.”


“Really?” the four other Pokémon asked, Elder Rapidash behind the wall included.


“It's just Pokémon I've seen before from the Sand Continent, A Rapidash and Wooper,” Alejandrien explained.


Partially cloaked in a nimbus of grey and sunset hues, the fiery Rapidash and the watery Wooper stuck out like a sore thumb. And so did their attacks, a thin Flamethrower and a burst of pressurized Water Gun, each cloaked in wisps of fog.


T'nuri glanced back over at Elder. “Those two are Rapidash and Wooper?” All Wooper I've seen in the Archipelago are brown and full of poison.”


“I've never heard of any, on any island throughout the history of our waters,” Kaliente said as he quickly flipped through one of his pocket textbooks. He closed the books and pushed them back into his bag with a groan. “Why do they have bloody fog on them?”


“Elder, and Patrick Ronald are fairy Rapidash, not fire!” Emile yelled. “That can't be right.”


“Grandfather Adawolt did not speak of them, nor did mine ancestors or kin,” Elder added, whipping her tail.

“I can’t imagine why they’d be here easy,” Alejandrien groaned, “Especially made of fog.”


“How is there a water Wooper?” the Grookey questioned.


“No,” Kaliente called. “That doesn't make any sense, aren't they made of poison?”


“Didn’t that Clodsire Apothecary lose one of her Wooper sons in a sailing incident?” Emile questioned, her mouth a snarl. “Poison rain, just like him? How sparking rude!”


“Also we just saw Rapidash right now and there's a-” Kaliente’s words faded as he clenched his claws.“That's a focking twisted joke if I've ever seen one!”


“Elder Rapidash got nearly burnt and this is what we are faced with?”


The Fuecoco spit out smoke before he yelled. “Unbelievable!”


Fierce as the sun, a foggy Flamethrower scorched through a row of gravestones, scarring the tops in a red hue that quickly burnt black.


“They just shot out Ruinous Fog!?” T'nuri yelped as she rolled out of reach of another wave.


“Could y'all not?” Alejandrien shouted toward the watery Wooper and the fiery Rapidash.


Furious, the two shook their heads before they roared. “Cececero!”


“I had to try,” the Jangmo-o lamented. “Sahra Town courtesy and all.”


The two responded to Isla Linga but didn’t reply back in it?“Even though they just tried to kill us?” the Cubone asked.


“Yep!”


“Good effort I suppose!” T'nuri laughed.


“These Pokémon aren't possible! Like a twisted version of what we have in our waters,” Kaliente cried.


Emile hummed.“Twisted like Ruinous Fog, one Rawst, two Lum… Perhaps physical manifestations?”


T'nuri turned her head. Why's she counting berries now?!


“If these two aren't the source of it on Kuanalio Island, then what are they?” Alejandrien pondered aloud.


“Forsaking mine ancestors!” Elder gasped, eyes wide. “Their resting place is sacred!”


“We'll try to keep the tombstones safe, but no promises mate!” the Fuecoco urged.


“That's the main problem!” the Jangmo-o nervously laughed.


“What should we call these two Pokemon?” T'nuri questioned.

The Grookey across from her waved her stick.“Well, they are made of fog, and they produce fog.”

“Fogbeasts?” Alejandrien offered.


“Ya can't just say beast mate!” Kaliente snapped.


“But we can't understand a lick of what they say or want!”


“Still, that's not how we do things in the Archipelago!” Emile growled, her ears flat.


“Yeah, no, just because they attack us and only say ‘cero’ doesn't mean they are beasts,” T'nuri explained, fiddling with her bone-club. “We'd never treat wilderners or any Pokémon like that.”

The Jangmo-o held their head down. “Wha’? My apologies y'all. I'm still learning about yur waters culture, and reconnect with what once was my grandparents home.”


“Is an honest mistake,” the Fuecoco sighed out a tiny flame.


“Thanks, anyway.” Emile also sighed.

With a blushing maw, Alejandrien offered another suggestion.“Let’s call them Fogmakers.”

“Nah, sounds lame.” T’nuri replied.

“That fire that nearly burnt us again is anything but lame!” the Jangmo-o yelled.


“Mine kin needeth aim their wrath at these two, they brought about the calamity!” Elder added.

“Brought, bringing-” Emile repeated.

“Ya have an idea?” Kaliente questioned.

I've got one! “Let’s call them Fogbringers!” T’nuri said, holding her bone-club up.

The Fuecoco smirked. “Fogbringers eh?”


“Nice one T'nuri!” Alejandrien cheered.


T'nuri took a couple steps back as she rubbed her chin.“What should we do about them?”


A blast of flames shot just above her skull-helmet, while a splash of water nearly tagged Kaliente's back.

“Get down!” the Grookey ordered. “They’re firing moves again!”


Eyes wide, Kaliente rubbed his shoulders. “Let's try to block the oncoming wave!”

“You got it!” Emile cracked her knuckles as she readied her stick.

The watery Wooper and fiery Rapidash stopped their attacks for a moment, changing their positions as they stared the four down.

“Ceroro!” the two Fogbringers barked.

“Now!” T’nuri ordered, racing ahead. “Let’s cause a distraction!”

“Come on y’all!” Alejandrien yelled as they followed. The two hopped from side to side, waving their limbs, all the while dodging swaths of flaming fog in their path.


Kaliente hobbled around the ground before he shouted out a Disarming Voice at the fire Rapidash.


Just behind him, Emile threw her Razor Leaves toward the water Wooper. When the fairy and grass attacks combined they did not block anything. Heavy black and red Ruinous Fog whirling around, the Fogbringers simply stumbled forward for a second before they rushed past the Fuecoco and Grookey.

“Like it or not here we go!” T'nuri yelled as she tossed out her Bonemerang.


Right behind her, Alejandrien followed, but turned around quickly. They pivoted on their fore-legs and kicked firm, their Low Kick connecting right on time with the Cubone's yellow, brown blur.


But the combined earth and fighting-type moves weren't enough, the Ruinous Fog of the Fogbringers wasn't cut. With a thunderous crash, the already broken ground splintered like wood, shattering into pieces, tombstone and blade alike destroyed.


The Cubone and Jangmo-o tumbled backward, their bodies pummeling the mountainside with a thud.


“Damn, what gives!?” T'nuri stamped the ground.


Alejandrien snarled as their scales slightly flickered purple and green. “We're protecting Elder and the villagers, aren't we?”


Fours sections along the water Wooper and fire Rapidash's black miasma lit up red and orange, the colors inside briefly flashing, light-brown, teal, orange, and dark-green. The Fogbringers roared before they shot out a plume of ash and foam. In an instant the thin black soot and purple-white bubbles consumed almost the entirety of the gravesite, the wind howling with the wall of fog.


From beyond the boundary Elder thrashed. “Stand firm detectives!” she cried. “I believeth thine efforts to be worthy!”


“What's this!?” Emile gasped, hopping atop a tombstone as the new danger swept through the area. Though she was quick on her paws, the encroaching wave of Ruinous Fog caught the Grookey and her teammates. The ash sapped their energy, while the foam assaulted their strides, bogging the four in stinging goop. “It hurts!” she screamed.


Patches of burn marks slowly dottled Team Kirigiri’s bodies, as their feet stuck to the ground, aching through searing hot bubbles along the ground.

“Fer quaza’s clouds, this's damned awful!” Alejandrien yelped.


Kaliente collapsed onto the ground as the water Wooper and fire Rapidash's attacks overwhelmed him, his body covered head to claw in their filthy mist. “Shite, Miraidon's sparks, what're we gonna do?”


No se. I don't know, I really don’t,” T'nuri coughed as she dropped into an exposed bit of sand. She kicked it and something unexpected happened. It wasn't unfound, as the Cubone had done it the previous day.


T'nuri cleared a bit of the fog.


Some of the mist parted as the sand scattered through it like buckshot.


“W-what was that!?” Alejandrien yelped, scrambling upright with a limp.


The Cubone gasped as she stood up. “Giritina’s wings!?” T'nuri looked back and forth, watching the parting vapors dissolve to the wind. A glimpse of true Fogcutting once again. I did that? Incredible!


“Our moves did work!” the Fuecoco clapped.

“Thanks fer that!” the Jangmo-o called.


“Again!” the Grookey urged, pointing at the water Wooper and fire Rapidash.

Kaliente and Emile dashed through the foam, hobbling past overturned buried weapons and broken tombstones alike toward the Fogbringers. Those same Fogbringers who doused more of the mountain’s surface in toxic gas by the second, their bodies cloaked in dark vapors. The Grookey and Fuecoco weaved through rows of graves, right up to the water Wooper and fire Rapidash.


With fire and fumes choking her every breath, Emile got right up to the watery Wooper. They shrank away just before the Grookey swung her Branch Poke, the stick turning to a sword.


On the other hand, Kaliente did a plain old full body Tackle at the fiery Rapidash in his reach. Grass energy and normal energy smashed into the surrounding fog at the same time. The mists took the brunt of the attacks, and the two were open, being so up close and personal with the Fogbringers.

T’nuri took in a deep breath before she hurried into the cloud of flames and stinging rain. The Cubone ran past the same obstacles the others did, but couldn't dodge the torrents of foam that collided against her. “S-sparks!” Drenched, T'nuri scampered on unsteady claws toward the fiery Rapidash, Bone-Club at the ready.


Right beside her, the Jangmo-o opted for something different. They barreled up to the Cubone and at the same time slammed into the fiery Rapidash, three swipes of their sharp Scales shooting out in the process. But the Fogbringers only shifted slightly as fog rose around them, this time dark slate grey.


T'nuri pulled her bone-club back as she hurried out of reach. “What's that!?” she questioned, eyes wide.



“No good!” the Jangmo-o shouted, just before she hopped away.


None of the Fogcutters reached the cover of the larger tombstones, but that didn't matter. After the energy redistributed along the mists, the fire Rapidash, and water Wooper shot out more Ruinous Fog.

Like a flash of lightning, a cloud of black fog barreled through the area. It swept into each member of Team Kirigiri, the blowback threw Kaliente and Emile into a pool of poison, while Alejandrien crashed against a flaming piece of the mountain.

Shit, shit, shit! T’nuri’s thoughts flew as she careened through the air and crashed into a tombstone.Darkness filled her mind. The Cubone’s eyes shut as exhaustion ran through her body. Blood trickled down from the top of her head as fire ate at her scales. Can we even stop them? T’nuri strained to lift her head but collapsed.The Fuecoco, Grookey, and Jangmo-o didn’t fare any better, Ruinous Fog lapping away at their tired and bruised bodies while the sky grew darker.If I can’t clear this, how can I save Pa’a Lepo? As the Cubone's eyes closed she nearly lost grip of her bone-club.


“Detectives!” Elder Rapidash's shout echoed through the mountainside. “Thine efforts shant be in vain!”


The bone-club rattled in T'nuri's claw. “Huh?” she mumbled.


Beyond the wall, Elder continued.“The Fogbringers hath faltered!”


“They have?” T'nuri's brown eyes shot open.


“Take sight!”


In the cover of the Ruinous Fog the Fogbringers were strewn about, whimpering and sputtering as they recovered. Though they were vapor-like, pain still etched across their features. The two were Pokémon after all.


That wave was a front! The Cubone staggered off the ground, only slightly reinvigorated. “What!?” she yelped, her stubby tail perked.


Along the mists across the watery Wooper and fiery Rapidash four lights flashed. Each hue matched the moves that Team Kirigiri used against them, but something was missing. The colors didn't flash at the same time. But still, the Fogbringers fell to the ground, their attacks dwindling.The Ruinous Fog the two Pokémon had brought out persisted, however.


“Guys!” the Cubone yelled, hurrying over to Alejandrien, Kaliente, and Emile.


The Jangmo-o groaned as she waded through the sludge. “Wha’ is it pardner?”


“Our moves worked this time!” T'nuri grabbed their shoulders and pulled them out the pool of poison rain and foam, meshed with the shattered earth.


“They did?” Emile gasped, rolling over.


Kaliente held onto his knee as he got up, a grimace on his maw. “It ain't over, innit mates?”


Alejandrien shivered. “How'd ya know that part? We've gotta be specific with evidence with this Ruinous Fog.”


“Guessing really, detective,” T'nuri spat. “The lights on the Fogbringers aren't linked.”


“Simmer down now,” Alejandrien growled.


“Sorry. Anyway is it-”


“Because we went first?” the Grookey questioned.


The Jangmo-o hummed.“This water Wooper and fire Rapidash aren't like the Ruinous Fog, where we could block then cut them.”


“Mierda, shit,” Emile grumbled as her ears folded.


The Fuecoco beside her crossed his arms.“Does that mean we can't do damn jack?”


With a shake of their head, Alejandrien leaned toward the two. “Ya and Emile are still Fogcutters too,” they reminded.


“Two Fogcutting blockers,” Emile answered, standing up taller.


Kaliente clapped his claws.“And ya two are Fogcutting through-ers. Eh, it doesn't ring.”


“It doesn't matter.”


T'nuri rubbed her chin for a moment. “Lead Esperanza said that there being this many Fogcutters in an Investigation Team had a purpose, we just had to find it!”


“That's right!” the Grookey brightened, lifting her stick.


“But how're we gonna bloody do anything together?” Kaliente huffed.


Lifting their claw, the Jangmo-o's golden eyes lit up. “Let's try a chained attack or something!”

“What would that be?” the Fuecoco questioned, stretching his claws.

T'nuri pumped her fist before she spoke.“It would be all four of us hitting these mudders at the same time!”


“We need to use the same moves we did before!” Emile realized.


“Ceroro!” the fiery Rapidash neighed, flailing their hooves.


Just below them, the watery Wooper splashed, foam slowly building around them. “Rerecero!”


“The Fogbringers are getting up!” Tnuri yelled.


“I don't know about you, but I can't handle anymore of this snuff!” Kaliente puffed out a plume of steam.


“Our last chance!” the Cubone held her bone-club high as she stared down her adversaries.


The watery Wooper and fiery Rapidash were far ahead, all of the tombs along with dozens upon dozens of forgotten weapons in Team Kirigiri’s path. The earthquake had torn the grey speckled mountain and littered it with juts and dips, all the while twilight edged closer to night.


Time didn’t stand still while Team Kirigiri was trapped in the little wall. Thankfully just outside was a safe haven, as Elder Rapidash had been spared. Not free from imminent danger, if the Fogcutters fell and succumbed to the flames all would be lost.


“Alright!” Emile hurried ahead, hopping from gravestone to gravestone.


“This ends here mate!” Kaliente yelled, patting his chest as he glanced left and right.


The watery Wooper's eyes went wide and the fiery Rapidash's tail whipped wildly, it was plain to see: they've been had.


“You're not invincible!” the Cubone screamed, running head first into the tidal wave of fire and fog. A Flamethrower scorched through the scales on her left side as she rolled to the side past a battleaxe. “How fitting! Like an ax straight true!”


“It's my time ta shine!” Just like before, with Alejandrien just across to the left, Scale Shot after scale shot flying her way, the Cubone knew what to do: showoff.


Quick as a kite, the first Scale Shot darted past the water Wooper and right toward T'nuri.


“Do it now!” Kaliente yelled. At that moment, he was enveloped in bright white light and crashed toward his enemy with another Tackle. The Fuecoco's body hit the water Wooper when Emile’s Branch Poke blade did. At that same time T'nuri hit Alejandrien's Scale Shot with her Bone-Club, straight into the fire Rapidash.

“Cececro?” the Fogbringers cried, cowering just before each move combined.

Scared now, huh fucking mudders?! T’nuri roared, both claws slashing her Bone-Club through the Ruinous Fog of the watery Wooper and fiery Rapidash, her whole skull-helmet pitch-black. The Cubone’s eyes narrowed. “Oh now you want out!? You didn’t have to do this!”


Alejandrien's eyes widened as they fired their last effort.“It's over now!” they urged. “Hold yur Horseas, T'nuri!”


Four more Scale Shots joined T’nuri and there were no more negotiations for the Fogbringers. One last otherworldly call echoed through the night. “CERO!”

In a flash of black, purple, red and green, all of the Ruinous Fog on Kuanalio Island was seized. Orange and dark green, chains of fire and vines first spiraled all across the vapors, pulling all of them tightly, slowly the chains doubled and tripled, more energy collapsing the Ruinous Fog into a spherical shape. It grew in size as it rose into the twilight sky. High above the bladed mountain, even breaching far above the volcano. Finally, the destructive force that nearly claimed life over and over again: the fires and poison rain causing fog, Ruinous Fog was gone.


Just as fast, the fiery Rapidash and the watery Wooper vanished, leaving nothing in their place besides the aftermath of their attacks, a Fogcutter vs Fogbringer battle, the circular wall shattering. Not a puddle or ember remained in their wake.


“Wait, what happened?” the Cubone gasped.


Alejandrien nearly collapsed as she glanced around.“Hmm wha? Where'd their bodies go?”


“Did they not faint?” T’nuri asked.Did they get really hurt? Worse than fainting?


“Is that why they were so scared?” Kaliente offered.


Emile stretched her back with a groan.“That doesn't make any sense.”


The Cubone beside her shivered for a moment.“Nothing about this made any sense, but I don't understand why we can't see them. Then we could lock them up for their crimes against the island.” I hope they didn’t die or something.


Kaliente yawned. “They came from the ground in an odd way, so perhaps they left in an odd fashion.”


The two are probably fine.“Just like Haku and Nupa,” T’nuri realized aloud, her arms dropping. “That Drillbur and that Sandshrew, the odd wilderners who knew about Ruinous Fog before it came in full.”


“I don't know,” Emile hummed as she kicked at a pebble. Her tail curled in the wind as she paced a tight circle. “I can't calculate how they vanished this time, it was over two-hundred kilometers per hour.”


“Ridiculous,” Alejandrien sighed. “I didn't even get any compound samples of their attacks.”


“I’ll record it down, we have ta move on. We can't spend all day on that,” the Fuecoco urged, after stifling another yawn.


T’nuri sighed. “All we know is that it's over.”


The Jangmo-o nodded.“Well we ain’t sure if it's over completely but from the looks of it on this side of the island it's over.”


“Later,” Emile lamented, "Vamos ahora, we go now.”


As they righted each gravestone, dusting off soot, and sod alike, Investigation Team Kirigiri once again caught their breath.


“I wonder why you flashed those colors?” the Grookey questioned, before keeling over.

T’nuri softly whistled. Each day ‘Adrian and I flashed either purple, green, and black. Though their eyes flashed black once, while my skull has been doing it every day. I wonder why?


“That is rather interesting; perhaps it has to do with the control or strength of the Fogcutting power,” the Fuecoco listed.


T'nuri ran a claw across her still black skull-helmet. “Well, you two didn't flash any colors.”


“We didn't?” Kaliente hummed. “That's interestin’, might have been what Head Hector 'twas talkin’ about.”


“What’cha mean pardner?” the Jangmo-o tilted her head.


“Yo se, I think I got it. The Fogcutting powers may affect your mood,” Emile explained, gently placing a broken stone atop a shattered grave.


The Fuecoco nodded. “As when yew mates got agitated, your control of yer Fogcutting powers slipped, thus your body loosened its control over yer mood instead of lettin’ out your Fogcutting.”


“Letting it out?” Alejandrien questioned.


Kaliente wasn't done with his lesson just yet as he continued. “But it's not like ta Fogcutting can harm anythin’ that's not Ruinous Fog,” he stated, then yawned again. “Though to activate, we have ta use a move that can.”


With a grin, Emile tapped her paws together. “I wonder why T'nuri’s skull turned black, and why the both of you had purple and green.”


“Why's T'nuri getting all the attention?” Kaliente laughed, before he stopped in his tracks. “Why's the laddie's skull-helmet still black?”


That's a great question! I have no sparking clue! The Cubone hobbled against a tombstone, back down toward the exit. Her skull slowly faded birch white. “W-well let's get out of here.”


Eyes narrow, the Fuecoco reached out to stop her. “Did'nea think I was-”


“Well done detectives!” Elder cheered, rushing over to the four.


Kaliente crossed his arms with a pout. “Yes, quite well.”


“As well as we promised Elder Rapidash,” Alejandrien said, sauntering over to her side before wheezing a tad.


To say Team Kirigiri was battered and bruised was an understatement, as burn marks and tiny cuts adorned their bodies, dried blood amidst their scars of triumph.


Ears folding, Elder gestured a hoof downhill.“Come rest for a little bit, I shall summon your companions.”


“T-thank yee kindly,” the Jangmo-o replied.


And so Team Kirigiri headed all the way back to Aenivland Village. They plopped down into the Soak-style church while Elder Rapidash fetched some supplies. But it wasn't like everything went smoothly in their absence. A few buildings nearby the side entrance burned to the ground. Not even the effigies of Patrick Ronald were safe, one of them charred to a crisp. The unfortunate circumstances of mainly building with wood, when stone was plenty.


Other buildings, ones made of more seashell and clay alongside wood partially crumbled as embers and ash slowly pulled into the sky. The Ruinous Fog had done as feared: destroyed livelihoods.


Though the fire was gone, the scent of ash and soot was still heavy in the air, thick even as the nightly gales blew around the northern island. Almost tauntingly, the ground was slick with poisonous residue, from the toxic drizzle that came before. None could say how the few other Pokémon of the land faced, warnings heeded or not.


“Team Kirigiri!” a deeper familiar voice echoed out from beyond the doors. The hinges flew open and in hobbled in Luciano. Right beside the Heliolisk was Bao.


Both of the Navigators were worse for wear, covered in little nicks and dusted over in smoke. Thankfully no burns or cuts. “We got every Aenivlander inside Southwest Forest, North Beach Mountain, East Hill, and West Grove Beach to safety!” the Clawitzer reported, floating along the floor.


“So those are the other Mystery Dungeons on Kuanalio,” T'nuri said before she took a bite of mixed Rawst and Oran slices.


“Yawen, Vicenta!” the Heliolisk barked into his scarf badge. Two voices chimed back on the Navigators scarves. Then Luciano continued. “Please! We need you and the crew to collect the Aenivland villagers while we patch up.”


Elder Rapidash followed in after Bao and Luciano, a large basket of berries in her mouth. She held it out and Luciano grabbed the basket, peering inside. Berries, seeds, and a few medical kits sat atop a small brown quilt.Everyone retrieved what they needed and the fairy-Rapidash exited the church.


“So how'd it go?” Alejandrien asked, chomping into an Oran berry.


“Thankfully no fatalities in the fire but many of the villagers sustained some major injuries,” Bao sighed, twitching her antennae.


“That's our Head Navigator for ya, innit!” Kaliente cheered, his emerald green eyes bright.


T'nuri held onto her scarred forearms and sighed. “Thank you Captain Bao, Luciano,” her voice dropped down to a whisper. “We couldn't have done that without you.”


Luciano wrapped a bandage on the Clawitzer's abdomen as his tail waved. “De nada mi amors, no problem my loves, err, if you are okay with me saying that.”


“It's fine,” the Cubone replied.


“Good,” the Heliolisk smiled. “Sorry it's just the Alma Blanca way of life ‘love for fellow mon’.”


“I get you, Hau Beach is ‘don't worry, just follow the waves’.”


Bao leaned back as she picked up a Sitrus berry. “Remember, you want to relax to the fullest,” she reminded.


“Yes?” T'nuri glanced back at her.


“You are still in Clearance Three T’nuri. You should write a report on the Ruinous Fog so you can have it when we land in Iaijutsukage, unless you can remember that tomorrow morning.”


I want to go to Clearance Four, even if I want to go back to my woodshop. “Definitely not,” the Cubone groaned before she got up. “Kaliente, could I borrow one of your notebooks?” The Fuecoco handed one to her and T’nuri flipped to the end, pencil in claw. Now let's see. The two teams rested for a bit as the Aenivlanders returned to their village, shaken, but not defeated. Gently, the doors of the church opened.

“Our saviours areth here?” an unfamiliar voice questioned, before a more familiar one spoke.

“Thine truly solved the calamity that beset mine village, Aenivland, departed on high by mine ancestor Patrick Ronald,” Elder Rapidash’s aged voice rang clear, a few younger Rapidash and Ponyta by her side.


“It was our pleasure.” Alejandrien replied.


“The Fogcutter’s Detective Agency never backs away from a mystery,” Kaliente explained, adjusting his scarf.


Emile stood up right beside him. “No matter how many times it takes to cleave through it all.”


One of the younger fairy Rapidash stepped forward, a scroll in his maw. Luciano reached forward and grabbed it. “We haveth a gratuity statement for thine superiors, oh great benefactors,” the younger Rapidash said, his eyes beaming with pride. “Thine rescued my kin and village.”


“And our island!” one of the Ponyta cheered, trotting around for a moment.


Elder reached up behind the pulpit, and into the cabinet. Row and row of shining black artifacts waiting, the shimmer of their splendor reflecting off the candle light. “Forth thine valiant effort I shall offer an obsidian hourglass.”

“Y-ya will?!” Kaliente gasped and secured it into his bag.

Bao clacked her claws as she chuckled. “I pulled some strings for you kids.”

“Really?!” Emile nearly fell over, her tail wagging.

“Only for thine superiors to analyze young detectives,” Elder clarified. “Navigators do watch over them, lest they forsake mine goodwill.”

“Yes Elder, we’ll keep ‘em in line,” Luciano patted Alejandrien on the head before opening the door. “Vamos aqui, let's go here.”


“Do take care, outwaters,” the younger Rapidash gently neighed.

Elder Rapidash held a hoof over the smaller Pokemon, as she closed her eyes in prayer. “May the holy grains of Koraidon's and Miraidon's sands embrace thee and keep thee.”

“Farewell!” Kaliente called. Emile bowed her head while Alejandrien and T’nuri glanced away for a moment.Team Kirigiri and Team Zháo waved goodbye as they left Aenviland Village of Patrick Donald, Ruinous Fog cleared and obsidian hourglass in tow.


“Let's do a quick search of Kuanalio to assess the damages of the Ruinous Fog,” Bao said, slowly jetting into the air.


“We'll do a perimeter search,” Alejandrien explained.


“Report back by Aenivland Village in an hour, and we'll take you back to the dock.”


Emile nodded. “Understood.”


Heading to the east, Team Kirigiri got closer and closer toward the islet where it all began, the thinning, dead foliage and greater presence of rocks growing closer and closer.


A brisk wind blew off from the ocean's waves far below, fried sea grasses growing once again. The soil in this section of the island, stone and tough grit made up the majority of the ground, only a few mangroves, shrubs, and even fewer palm trees dottled the lonesome island.


This feels kinda familiar. T'nuri pondered, her nose filled with the scent of salty brine and sand, all the while the sky darkened, stars sparkling through the inky blackness, grey wispy clouds below.


“What's that?” Emile pointed her stick at an odd jut in the sand.


Kaliente's head crest perked up.“Buried over there!”


“Is it treasure?!” Alejandrien questioned, dropping their snout to the ground.


Emile's ruby eyes narrowed for a moment. “No, judging by the circumference its-”


“My carving!” T'nuri shouted. Don’t cry. She dug out the soaked orange block, her claws tearing the sand as if it were thin air. I can't believe it!


Glossy wood delicately carved in the shape of an open book. Various shades of brown, orange, yellow, even red made up the sculptured piece, a book ten pages thick, even finer chiseling along the words on the bottom left. ‘T'nuri Cubone of Hau Beach 592.’


C’mon don’t cry. The teary-eyed Cubone held her craft up even higher. “One day I can't wait to make something even bigger, a multi wood complex mockup of a Marowak skull-helmet!”


“A nice goal,” the Fuecoco said.


“Ooh,” Alejandrien said. “A book was the carving you had on you. Can ya name one ya liked tha most?”


“Refutation Killer was the one I was really into back then,” T'nuri chuckled.


“It definitely is yours.” The Grookey grinned.


Kaliente ran a claw along the book carving. “The grit’s rough enough that yew couldn't’ve just done it.”


The Jangmo-o licked their chops.“I can smell the bond of the primer pardner.”


“I told you I was a woodworker,” the Cubone sniffled, holding the piece into the night sky. “This took weeks to carve, especially with all these different types of wood.”


“Ah yeah, I see. All those different colors and grains,” the Fuecoco added, a wide grin on his jaws. “Well done, mate.”


Team Kirigiri spread out around the area collecting some final samples, more tiny scraps of plastic and wood close by, but no sign of La Llovinzna. It didn't help that it was nearly pitch dark.


As she turned toward the distant sea T'nuri's brown eyes wavered. “Yep, the different-” A roaring beast of Pokémon visage lit up in her mind. Teal, black, red, and yellow, something like a Mega Salmance but fiercer. Just like the dream the Cubone had earlier.


“You see something in the waves?” Alejandrien questioned, waving a claw in front of the Cubone's face.


“T-the waves?” T'nuri gasped, nearly stumbling over. The second her eyes glanced at the ocean she really did fall over. “Woah!” Deep within her gut was a strong pull, straight toward the sand at her feet. It's like Fogcutters pull? But where?


Once she got up, staring straight into the foamy depths she recoiled.


A familiar sight entered her mind. An odd one, but one that was in the trenches of her memory, from her dream. A fiery and ghastly Cubone, with teal flames, black scales, and a purple skull, a disgusting mockery of her fate, if she hadn’t clearedthe Ruinous Fog. Or something more, an intuition of sorts. It kinda looked like a Sachalla for a second? T’nuri thought. Lill bro? No that can't be right, he's not a Cubone, he's a Cyndaquil. Or maybe that ‘perfect’ green jerk


But there was no time to dwell on that, T'nuri's team just saw her stumble. “Watch your step laddie,” Kaliente said as he held her shoulder.


We aughta get back ta the Zháo Launcher,” Alejandrien sighed, stretching for a moment. “It's gettin’ late.”


What was that? The Cubone groaned as her mind raced. Why am I seeing those Pokémon? Are they even Pokémon?


Team Kirigiri dusted the area for any signs of life before they headed back toward Aenivland. Burned homes and buildings still awaited them, scarred black by mystical flames, the grasses and fauna beneath sparred miraculously.


Still, ruin had plagued the village, devouring the rich history and isolated livelihoods of the Pokémon of Kuanalio Island in whole. A settlement uninhabitable, stripped of valor.


“Fuck, mon,” T'nuri gasped, watching as Sewaddle, and Archen dug through the burnt remains of one house, only the sturdier chimney upright.

Kaliente held his head down as the group walked toward the southern exit, away from the Soak-style church with the stained glass. “T’is a bloody shame.”


“I'm glad we at least kept the villagers safe.” The Cubone gripped her bone-club tight.


Smoke hung in the brazier and torch lit village streets, as Aenivland prepared for the brisk coming night, home or homeless. Large tents pitched just out of the rubble’s reach, but never out of the path of previous destruction. Anguished sobs were broken by solemn hymns, faith in a new future.


The four remained relatively silent as they headed through the rest of Aenivland, exiting the back gate, which was armed by an Octillery and a Leavanny.


“Snuffing glad they could start the rebuilding effort so quickly,” the Fuecoco sighed.


Emile nodded.“Indeed, by the way, where is the dock?”


“Ya ain't gotta look so hard,” Alejandrien chuckled.


“Huh?”


High atop the mountainside behind Aenivland was a familiar multi-headed Pokémon. The draconic-Exeggutor, Vicenta. Just below her, the massive galleon Zháo Mega Launcher rocked in the pitch-black sea, anchored right on the dock, bathed in the gentle orange hue of the deck lanterns.


“Chicos!” Luciano and Bao rushed over from the Zháo Launcher, and crashed into T'nuri, Alejandrien, Kaliente, and Emile. The Heliolisk and Clawitzer hugged them tight, whispering praises, and affirmations before a tap on their shoulders pried them away.


An Indeedee, their horns curved upwards in the star-lit sky cleared their throat. “I'm glad the past sands of time granted us this moment,” Yawen said as he ran a hoof over his scarf. “I'm glad to see you, Investigation Team Kirigiri.”


“Hola!” an airy voice from above called. Vicenta, who had been sitting on the other side of the galleon, made her way over.


“It's easier to search for any potential Ruinous Fog traces from on board,” Bao explained before she floated back to the rudder of the massive ship.


Of course we're not done. T'nuri sighed.


The Indeedee on shore nodded. “Why don't you four head up?” Yawen offered, his tail low. “Try to take it easy.”


Team Kirigiri headed up the ramp on the port side of the Zháo Launcher and settled : they'd have about a six hour route back to Iaijutsukage, if the winds were generous. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.


A thunderstorm rained in from the night sky, bringing pelting rain and ear-shattering thunder, not to mention terrible gusts of wind, which whipped up the ocean below.


Static of the loudspeaker crackled before Bao gave one startling command. “All mon on deck!”


With a mighty crash, the galleon lurched in the North Celestial Shadow Sea. Frigid water splashed aboard the ship, and tossed the Pokémon toward the starboard side. Breezes straight off the sea battered against the sails, nearly throwing Zháo Launcher off course and into the depths below.


HANG ON!” the Clawitzer yelled, watching as a colossal wave rocketed toward them.


Yawen and Luciano manned the sails, with Bao's swing of the rudder, their combined effort pulling the Zháo Launcher upright just as a flash of lightning brightened the night sky.


“Everyone alright?” Vicenta questioned. The whole time she stood perfectly still in the center of the ship, slowly emanating a Grassy Terrain, the green glow illuminating the entire ship. The thick roots bolted everything onboard to the Zháo Launcher, even after the sky slowly cleared.


Dizzy, T'nuri opened eyes she didn't even realize she had shut. “Team Kirigiri is here!” the Cubone shouted, her three teammates huddled right beside her.


“Clearance Zero is here too!” a Panpour cried, holding up a spool of rope.


“Great, now in this little storm we did bump into something so let's stop and turn on the high beams,” Bao explained, glancing at her Wonder Map. Slowly the anchor dropped into the depths, Yawen and some Clearance Zero mon pushing the chain's rudder.


“Got it!” Luciano headed down to the bow of Zháo Launcher and blasted out a yellow current, and Electric Terrain soon took over the grass, and in turn all the lamps and lanterns aboard lit up even brighter, almost like daybreak.


A large white fragment bobbed in the waves, a piece of something. Not a fragment, but wreckage. Wreckage of a rather large white, light teal, grey and yellow vessel, half of the plastic, wood, and metal pieces adrift in the ocean, half sunken in the bubbling depths. Still partially under the dark wastes were a few upside down lifeboats. Just next to them, luggage, crates, and lifeforms.

Luciano aimed a pair of the beams in a slow line and T’nuri’s heart dropped.It can’t be. “Can you lower the ramp?” she questioned.

“Of course.” The Heliolisk nodded.

Slowly the Cubone made her way to the water’s edge. She placed her claw in the icy depths, just barely grazing the white plastic. “It’s La Llovinzna,” she gasped. “Completely destroyed.”

A few dead bodies floated in the midnight lit waters, some hidden beneath the broken cruise ship, others deep into the charcoal black darkness.

“No normal typhoon could have done this,” Alejandrien said.

T’nuri sank onto the brink of the ramp. “I was onboard just a few days ago!”

Kaliente placed a claw on her shoulder and held her back. “Steady sands laddie.”


“I- I would've been dead!”

Everyone aboard the Zhao Launcher gazed upon the floating pieces and then at one another, confusion heavy in the air. Still sharp, even in the dim light of the moon, Emile pointed into the inky depths. “Look!” she called, and the lights moved over to where her wooden stick pointed. Not exactly where, as it was part of the cruise, but what.

One piece of La Llovizna glittered in the lanterns. A piece of solid steel with three odd markings. Claw marks. Three cuts, massive long claws torn through the metal side of the hull, their impact left jagged streaks in the ship. And not just the hull but numerous pieces of the debris, all scarred in the now evident attack. Not an accident, but an act of violence.

“A Pokemon did this!” the Cubone yelled, slamming her bone-club on the ramp. “Who? Who could have done this!?”

Vicenta shook her leaves from her high-neck view. “A terribly strong Pokemon, like one mentioned in the legends.”

“Or one who gained awful power,” Luciano said, clenching his fists.


The Jangmo-o beside her also placed a claw down, rattling their scales as they snarled. “None with respect for life.”

Lapping waves filled the silence. A sigh rang out as a few supplies shifted around in the Zhao Launcher, eventually Bao floated out toward the water.

“What are you doing?” T’nuri questioned, her eyes wide.

The Clawtizer held a large orange orb in her claw, the bright light spilling over the small area. “This is a tracker, so a crew can pick up the bodies and any remaining mementos.”

Lost in the endless, ever continuing waves were a multitude of In the water lay a pair of Magby, their limbs entangled. Rather they were, as now their arms and legs dangled in the ocean's cold waves. As the Cubone stared further, she cried. A soft, heartbreaking sob as her tough facade crumbled.


“T'nuri?” the Jangmo-o beside her asked, pulling her higher up the ramp.


“I had begged Sachalla, my younger Cyndaquil brother, to come with me, but he had a request ,” T'nuri paused, shuddering. “It could have been him, dead in those damn waters.”


Kaliente and Emile stood behind her, misty eyed in the swaying current, another run-in with destruction, this time death fresh in their minds.


“I'm sorry. La Llovinzna didn't face a regular attack,” Yawen added, his eyes narrow. “We must report this immediately. Further investigation by professionals is required, with forensics and autopsies of all these poor souls. Grains grant them rest.”


With a trembling breath, the Cubone wiped away her tears. “I'll fight even harder.”


Bao gestured with her huge claw and everyone settled back aboard. “T'nuri?” she questioned, slowly jetting back to her rudder. “You will?”

Alejandrien sighed as they raised a claw.“Awful as this may be connected to ya but it ain’t in our jurisdiction.”

“I have a feeling we could run into whoever did this,” Emile noted. “It was a mere six point three kilometers off the shore from Kuanalio.”

“True, but I just wanted ta bring that up.”T'nuri placed her bone-club on the railing, toward the wreckage, eyes blazing.“All these Pokémon didn't survive, the passengers and crew need me to,” she declared. “Each of those lives, innocent or otherwise, I'll avenge them, no matter who or what I'll face.”

“Fuckin’ well met, laddie!” Kaliente stamped the ground.

Slowly but surely the crew of the Zhao Launcher documented everything they could in the darkness of nightfall, and once again prepared to head back out into sea. It was time to go. With a thunderous whirl, the anchor rose back into the galleon, with the weight rebalanced, the ever present wind pushing it along.

Deep into the late night Team Kirigiri and Team Zháo made it closer and closer to its destination. Warm beds in the barracks of the Fogcutter’s Detective Agency awaited everyone onboard.The first flickers of bright searing beam of the lighthouse illuminated the shore of Iaijustukage Island’s western dock, still quite a distance away.

A slightly salty, while regular late night mist rolled off the ocean. In it, a glittering, shiny hue pink energy sparking as the waves shifted. Though there was a clear path around the mountainous islands with no coastal plains or islets, the galleon ever so slightly bumped into something.

Below the Zháo Launcher was a particular disturbance of the seas. One that parted through the ebb and flow all around, like it drained water from a tub. A piece of land. Not a tiny sea-lapped island, but a red, dusty valley, barren and dry as those same off pink sparkling fog shimmered amidst the waves. Sparkling fog and a valley, all at sea right beside Iaijutsukage Island.
 
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Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. growlithe
  6. quilava-fobbie
  7. sneasel-kate
  8. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, got rolled your slate for P-Wheel. I went back and forth a bit on which of your two fics I wanted to review, but this one did catch my attention a bit more from the jump, so that felt like as good a reason as any to come back to it:

Chapter 1

Darkness ruled over the dreary skyline. Nothing could avoid being pierced yet again by two beams of light. Another flash of light, neon sage-green, and a flash of striking lavender-purple.

Oh, hello, Amazing Technicolor Lightning.

A light that shone brightly for kilometers in the distance, only for that brief moment. But in those few seconds, everything changed. The fog was cut.

I’m… not really sure if I understand the significance of the random words that are being bolded in this sequence or not.

As the storm of flames raged on the normally tempered and brisk northern Island, an ethereal voice cried out from the depths of the Ocean. "Oh, hear beseech my call for aid, Fogcutters! For you are the ones who we gave our power to!"

You want a different word than “beseech” here for the mysterious ethereal voice there, since that word basically means “beg”, which doesn’t fit in the surrounding context.

Even though the plea was in an ancient tongue, one lost to the sands of time the message was felt. Who would answer that call?

I… didn’t get the vibe that that was in an ancient tongue at all there since it was basically in fancier English. Like I get that multilingual antics can be a bit polarizing in this scene and aren’t a trivial commitment depending on how much you’re going to use the ‘ancient tongue’, but at the very least, I wonder if it’d have made sense to do some sort of font gimmick with something that looked more old-timey or something like that.

Intense fire rolled across the sands. Areas of that northern island had Waves of flame that ebbed and flowed all around areas of the northern island T’nuri washed up on. All around and even on the Cubone who lay unconscious on the shore.

how-are-you-not-dead-how-are-you-alive.gif


T'nuri opened her eyes and saw the fire as it brushed against the scales on her left leg. A sharp twinge of pain seared deep. [ ]

"The spark was that?!" she cried as she jolted upright.

It probably makes sense for T’nuri to jolt upright before she speaks here. And I see the XB3 swears are making a return here.

The Cubone turned around toward the sea off into the distance, and the fire upon her. [ ]

"Shit! That burns!" She kicked up some sand over the burn on her leg and dashed away from the ash and smoke.

… Wait, why is T’nuri just running away from the fire now after she felt it brush up against her a paragraph ago?

Grey-tinted fog floated around T'nuri as she searched left and right. The Ocean had only a thin, slightly cloudy mist above it, with no traces of red and black. Still, the entire Island and the tide around it were surrounded by a thick, nigh-impenetrable fog haze.

One or the other ‘fog’ here should probably be replaced, since it sounded a little repetitive in context.

T'nuri flinched as she stopped and briefly checked her injury. It leg: there was a mark along her shin and calf, charred red. She rubbed a bit of sand onto it and stifled a bit of a cry.

Ugh, I'm supposed to resist fire as I do with Mom's attacks. "Why does it feel the same as any normal move I'm neutral to?" She whispered. The Cubone gripped her bone-club tightly.

I… kinda question whether T’nuri’s inner thought and her dialogue really need to be two separate styles of communication instead of just having her say all of this in dialogue.

She turned around and took a glance at part of the path she had previously traveled. Thankfully, the fire hadn't devoured the entirety of the land; just above the Cubone on the cliffs, there were no traces of the flames.

Some parts of the land were even free of the miasma that choked T'nuri's lungs earlier, and she hadn't ventured through a fourth of the island yet.

Wait, T’nuri’s seen enough of the island so far to guess-quantify how much of it she’s seen? Or did you mean something different about “a fourth” like a less-wordy “travelled around a fourth of the island’s circumference”? It’s a bit unclear ATM.

"Okay, so the fire is only where the red and black fog is, but not the light-grey fog," she murmured.

[ ] T'nuri gasped as she ran toward the sea through the thick dunes on the beach. She continued higher and higher in the dunes, through the frayed stalks of plants and small enclaves of water, coated by sand. Far into the distance was a tall structure made of metal, wood, and stone. A dock was attached to the strongest part of the land, connected just above the Ocean's waves.

I think that you’re missing the part of T’nuri’s thought process where she gets the idea to go towards the sea, since that wound up coming kinda out of left field for me.

Away from the Ocean to the right, there was a path to another part of the island with all sorts of hills, dips, and trees, far across the expansive reaches of sand.

A cirrus of black and red drifted closer. Fire would be upon The fire would reach the dock soon. With every step T'nuri took toward it, the Ruinous Fog approached. Just as someone else did.

Wait, is T’nuri aware of the underlined, or…? If not, you probably want to make it a bit more obvious in the narration.

There was a long stretch of fully-burnt beachgrass nubs that led toward the dock. The Cubone tensed as she noticed the massive plume of gas before her, but nevertheless, she steeled herself for the journey ahead.

"Where is that scaly little runt?!" a loud voice snarled through the beach.

Oh yeah, that sounds """positive""" there.

T'nuri lost her footing and slipped into the cover of the plants. As she pried her body out of the mixture of dirt, water, and sand, she lurched forward once again. There's that pull again… The Jangmo-o must be close by. The Cubone thought as she peered out of the flora.

She flinched as another voice roared through the fog. "Just hand it over nicely and no one has to get hurt, buddy!"

Thaaaaat’s not the Jangmo-o there, I can already tell.

[ ] The Cubone continued her path through the thick strands and hid from whoever the loud Pokémon were.

IMO, it probably makes sense for T’nuri to react a bit more to these strangers since: A: she’s likely figured out by now that they’re not Jangmo-o, B: they’re here on an island that’s currently burning and filling with toxic gas, C: from their tone of voice, they’re obviously bad news.

Soon, the tendrils of plants led higher up into the sandbank, and T'nuri's head poked out of the stalks. She glanced above the grass and found the identity of the Pokémon above.

Amid the toxic fog, a Jangmo-o dashed along the sand, and their the black saddle-bag on their body stuck out was like a diamond in the rough: a large scarlet and violet cylinder stuck poked out of it almost haphazardly.

Some odds and ends suggestions for some changes here. Though ohai, Janmo-o.

[ ] Jangmo-o's golden eyes scanned the area around her for an opening. "You two have got my Gogoat if ya think I'm givin' that to ya!" they yelled, with an alto-pitched raspy drawl.

A Deino and a Buizel were not far behind Jangmo-o. Both wore bandanas with particular pink, yellow, and orange wide horizontal stripes, almost like a certain species of Pokémon. A Sharpedo-based skull-and-crossbones had been stitched into the fabric.

You probably want the first paragraph to be more obvious that that’s what T’nuri is seeing, since the formatting kinda threw me for a second. Also, is there a reason why the species that the bandana pattern apes isn’t just bluntly stated? If nothing else, consider giving a few more specific details to work with to give the audience something to guess the identity with since this is really vague ATM.

"And we were about to let you off good nice, too!" the Buizel grumbled.

[ ]


"The two of ya are rowdy pirates, and ya ain't finna get yer claws on this! Not when they need it!" Jangmo-o yelled back.

I think you want “let you off nice” there. Also, might be worth showing off Jangmo-o’s reaction to these two pirates who are doing their best to try and win a Darwin Award over whatever that ether cylinder is.

The Cubone ducked back down into the shadows of the plant stalks as she felt the Pokémon's footfalls against the earth; Jangmo-o's approach slowed as she drew near to her. T'nuri flinched and held her heart.

I don't know what's going on but this is bad! She thought, her eyes wide.

Heat pooled off the sand, and the ferocious embers inside lashed out in whips and wisps. [ ]

You probably want to be more explicit in your description about the fire catching up with T’nuri there.

T’nuri: “Oh, you’re kidding me…”
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Beach soil that was soaked in the tide offered recluse respite but was too far away.

You want something like “respite” there, since contextually, you seem to be going for something “relief”.

The strength of the fog around the beach grew visibly thicker. Dark splotches of black and red brewed inside the mist as sparks of fire began to ignite.

"Sheesh! That's hotter than a Turtonator's fireballs!" Jangmo-o cried as a plume of flames scorched their side. The fire brushed against their entire tail, their right claws, hind-leg, flank, foreleg, and even a bit of their right shoulder.

The underlined feels like it should come before Jangmo-o’s line instead of after it. Though wait, why are those pirates not reacting more to this? Are they manipulating the Ruinous Fog or something? If so, it’s not clear from the present description.

[ ]

It's go time, can't be worse than what my folks used to do.

T'nuri swung her bone-club against the sandbank and a torrent of sand clouded the area. When the bits of sand touched a part of the fog, it vanished.

"Jangmo-o! Hurry!" she climbed out of the ground and hurried toward them.

You probably want to show off more of T’nuri’s thought process and establish the “field of play” a bit more before she intervenes on Jangmo-o’s behalf, since this is feeling very abrupt at the moment.

The Deino raced toward their prey. "Who's there!?

"Whoever you are, you better mind your business or taste my wrath!" the Buizel cackled.

Uh… yeah, see above. Since the pirates honestly kinda just faded out for a while as Jangmo-o started getting toasted.

T’nuri: “... Wait, you two are still here? I thought that you bailed with how quiet you’d been while the fire was zipping around.”
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"Woo, nelly!" Jangmo-o lurched forward as she saw the Cubone, and fell straight into the sand. "You!" She slowly staggered up. "Ya're da one pulling me!"

T'nuri stifled a growl. There's no time! She pointed to the fog as fire erupted onto piles of sand around them. "Look!"

Jangmo-o nodded and limped toward her. As they tried to get to the Cubone through the toxic fog, a wall of flames spread across the sands between them and blocked their escape. T'nuri ran nonstop as the Jangmo-o struggled to continue onward. They coughed and limped.

Aaaaand the pirates are just sitting back and not doing anything during this while Jangmo-o’s got their ether cylinder of plot importance because…?

More and more fire ignited from the black fog above the beach and scorched the earth indiscriminately.

The Cubone wasn't doing much better as she tried to maneuver away the areas coated by flames. Her left leg flared up, and she wheezed to get air into her lungs with every step she made. Shit shit shit!

Jangmo-o took a swift glance behind her as her hind legs buckled for a moment. She fell and her maw buried deep against the grains of sand, with a grunt, she shook her jangly scales and pushed off the ground.

Yeah, if the idea is that the pirates bailed since things were (literally) getting too hot to handle, you probably want to be more explicit about that, since they just faded out again.

They weaved through the blaze of heat toward the Cubone. But as Jangmo-o tried to get off the beach they fell into a hidden pit of water; collapsed into the sand right in front of the sweltering inferno that blocked them from T'nuri and the other side of the island. A narrow wall of fire covered the beach and ended just before the foamy brine of seawater that touched the sands.

"You aren't getting away!" the Buizel yelled. "Blast 'em!"

T’nuri: “Oh for crying out loud! The island’s on fire and your priority is still trying to jump us?! How are you two still alive right now?!” >.<

The Deino stood still before they took in a deep breath. Dark teal energy pooled into their maw before they shot out a Dragon Breath straight at Jangmo-o.

Those bastards! "Don't you dare!" T'nuri's eyes turned pitch-black as she ran into the flames toward Jangmo-o. With the flick of her wrist, she swung her bone-club through the thick black fog and cleaved it in two, flame and all.

Oh, well that one’s new. Though it’s a bit hard to get a read on what the relative positioning of the two sides here is.

The Cubone pushed Jangmo-o out of the way just as the Dragon Breath soared through the air right above. After the blue flames fizzled away, she pulled her arm back, and the Cubone threw her bone-club at the Deino, and the Buizel behind them.

In a flash of brown and pale yellow, the Bonemerang pierced through the air and connected with the two Pokémon.

Despite the massive stretch of fire and fog between them, the blow sent the Deino and the Buizel far, directly into a wall of flame.

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Well, I suppose that’s the last time we’ll ever see those two.

In a clean fresh pocket of air, T'nuri grabbed one of Jangmo-o's claws and helped them off the ground, and she let out a bunch of ragged breaths as her eyes returned to their normal brown shade.

The bone-club ricocheted back into the Cubone's claw and shook as she stared at the knocked-over Buizel and Deino.

Oh, those two are still alive. Somehow.

The Cubone and Jangmo-o weren't in the clear just yet, for there was still the inferno beside them, it crackled in the air and nearly tagged their scales. T'nuri rubbed her leg and pointed behind her.

With a jog, she headed toward the trees of the hills to the right of the beach. Jangmo-o let out a gasp and followed the Cubone through the sand. They fled through the mounds of sand as their pursuers dealt with the flames they were cast into.

You probably want to describe the underlined a bit more. e.x. if they’re getting a bit shouty or have any particular standout lines dealing with “and then suddenly, there was fire singing us”.

In the sky above, there area was only a dark grey with nary a speck of red or black. Yet, only time would tell when flames would hit that the part of the island they were in, too.

T'nuri exhaled and patted her left leg before she hurried along to the edge of the beach. While she gritted her teeth, she placed a claw over her heart. What was that?

An unholy mashup of an Ether Miasma and a Fog Rift. All we’re missing is the nasty black beasties coming from the fog to wreck your day.

However, Jangmo-o had something more than a pull to them. T'nuri slowed down a bit to run side-by-side with the other Pokémon. Patches of grass and piles of rocks appeared frequently through the beach, the rocky hills before them got closer and closer to their reach. Jangmo-o staggered against the ground for a second before she hurried along.

The Jangmo-o was a cautious distance from her but then as their energy returned they edged near the Cubone. They no longer felt the pull of each other's chests, but they eyed T'nuri intently.

You addressed Jangmo-o as a “her” in narration a bit earlier. Remember to keep your pronouns consistent.

At this new distance, the Cubone watched as Jangmo-o's walking speed got slightly better. She limped less with each step. Good . T'nuri took a glimpse behind her.

The Buizel and Deino weren't as hot on their trail as the flames were. The two pursuers weren't even visible in the fog and fire that engulfed that part of the beach.

Are they even still alive given that you knocked them into a wall of fire? I mean, they probably are given their seemingly improbable survival skills, but…
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Fauna and solid ground replaced the sand they had previously traversed as the Cubone and Jangmo-o got closer to a brief reprise along the rocky hill land. This part of the island was like a whole different environment. While there were stones and knolls as far as the eye could see, they were covered with thick brush and vibrant grass. The two of them continued onward while the lush green leaves on the few remaining trees waved in the wind.

A small moment to catch their breath had presented itself. [ ]

The Jangmo-o took their chance as T'nuri met their gaze for a moment. "Thanks fer earlier, partner. Are ya doing alright?"

You probably want to add a bit more narration to tee up that Jangmo-o is about to talk there.

"Doing alright?" The Cubone repeated to herself as she walked toward the shade of the trees beside the road before them. "I don't know."

[ ]


"What's wrong?" the Jangmo-o asked, her tail low.

[ ]


T'nuri sighed. "Have you seen a large white passenger ship around here? It's called La Llovizna The Drizzle."

"Sorry I haven't."

[ ]

"Ugh," the Cubone groaned. "So many things are going on, but why do I feel so terrible?"

I feel like there’s quite a bit going on here in terms of character reactions and internal thoughts that are not being communicated. It probably makes sense to show it off a bit more, since it felt like we were jumping around quite a bit for topic and vibe that more description would’ve more cleanly shown the transitions between

The Jangmo-o stuck their tongue out. "Hmm, right. Since yur a Cubone, ya prolly aren't used to being weakened by poison. While not elemental, all samples of each type of light grey fog have around 3,500 ppm of carbon dioxide. Fer reference, 5,000 ppm of carbon dioxide is fatal after 'bout 30 minutes of prolonged inhalation."

Wait, this setting has a concept of ‘parts per million’? It’s clearly quite a bit higher-tech than I gave it credit for if they have the technology to do a chemical analysis of the freaky mystery fog to that extent.

T'nuri's jaw dropped. "You can tell all that!?"

"It's just an educated guess, partner. I'll have to leave the calculations to Emile and all that fancy mumbo-jumbo talk to Kaliente."

Oh, so Emily is the Grookey on the cover art, since I frankly will be really, really surprised if Kaliente isn’t the Fuecoco.

[ ]

"Who?"

[ ]


"Some fellow coworkers."

[ ]


"I get you."

"You do?" the Jangmo-o asked, quirking a brow.

"I work with a small workshop team."

[ ]

"The fun of having a team eh?" The Jangmo-o nodded. "I see."

Some more spots where it probably makes sense to drop in some combination of descriptions of character reactions plus internal thought processes.

T'nuri crossed her arms. [ ]

"I guess."

"Anyway, carbon dioxide in more concentrations is fatal, which's why ya've prolly had a nasty cough and felt like a wet Growlithe in this darn black fog."

"Wha?" the Cubone tilted her head. "Can you explain my resistance to it now?"

The Jangmo-o shook their head. "I had an inkling ya didn't feel the rain's effects as bad, either. But there’s something odd about the fog. I'm not entirely sure 'bout that, partner, I just have a couple of hypotheses."

Another spot where it probably makes sense to get into T’nuri’s head a bit more. Though once again, stay consistent with your pronouns for Jangmo-o here.

"You'll have to do some more research I suppose. I don't know much about that though, I just do woodwork."

"I see. Well, I'm glad I've finally found ya." Jangmo-o stopped to adjust her saddlebag. She loosened the straps around her shoulders with her claws and nudged the cylinder deeper into a pocket.

T'nuri relished the soothing blanket of tree cover above them and replied. "Likewise."

I would remind the audience that these two are under tree cover specifically, since at first I was drawing blanks as to what the ‘cover’ there was.

Shade out of the sun was only a temporary pleasure as the path deeper into the hillside left behind the collection of trees. If anything, the thick fog that loomed in the sky, along with the clouds, offered a bit of cover for the Pokémon. However, the slightly foul gas could not be ignored, for in due time, it ignited the whole land.

I… didn’t realize that it was daytime right now in-setting. You probably want to slip in a few more reminders than you presently do, since all this time I thought this was happening at night. ^^;

And not just that, there was the pressing advancement advancing footfalls of Pokémon that pounded far behind them. The Buizel and Deino were covered from head to claw in bruises and burns, yet still, they hurried from the side of the beach closer to the dock.

Okay, yeah, those two either have experience moving around in fogs like these or else are actively manipulating it, since they’re sure really unfazed by the fogs that spew fire and poison everywhere that you’d think would’ve killed them easily if they were bumbling through it as an unknown hazard.

The Cubone glanced over the skyline and saw a small forest.

Jangmo-o stepped near her and shook their head as she wordlessly gazed at them."Ya ain't much fer yapping, huh? But plenty fer staring."

T'nuri quickly averted her eyes and walked faster.

"Delcatty got yer tongue?"

Someone’s a cheeky one there.

The Cubone peered over Jangmo-o and then the visage of Drilbur and Sandshrew from earlier flashed in her eyes. T'nuri looked at the rocky grass field beside them. "I do have a few questions for you if you don't mind."

"Ya can ask me just 'bout anything, partner!" Jangmo-o replied. "I might just know tha answer. I am trained, after all!"

Gee, why don’t you speak a bit louder so those pirates can hear you easier, Jangmo-o? Since if you can hear Deino and Buizel’s footsteps, they’re not that far away from you.

T'nuri moved closer to them as the walkway grew narrowed. "You seem to be quite the capable Pokémon. What is your name?"

"The name's Alejandrien!"

Oh, so this is Alejandrien. Duly noted.

[ ]


"I am called T'nuri," the Cubone said. She took a couple of steps away from the Jangmo-o and peered over them. [ ]

"Ya ain't gotta look so hard, partner! Somethin' bout me on yur mind, T'nuri?"

You probably want to show off Alejandrian’s reaction there a bit more.

"Alejandrien…Is an interesting name. Where is it from?"

Tromba Island—oh wait, wrong oceanpunk fic there.

Though yeah, I didn’t realize that T’nuri found the name standout there. You probably want to show that off in her described thought process a bit more than you presently do.

The Jangmo-o laughed a bit. "I'm originally from the Sand Continent." They stopped to put a small assortment of rocks in a cloth bag. "And yeah, I chose my own name."

I… did not realize that we were in the canonical PMD setting right now, but duly noted then. I wonder if this means that we’ll see characters from GoM cross over at some point?

T'nuri lurched backward and held up her claws. "Oh, I'm sorry."

"Nothing to feel sorry about, just as long as ya try to say it right. Don't add an 'a' or an 'o' just keep it as 'ien'," Alejandrien said as she got close to T'nuri.

Oh, ‘Alejandrien’ is meant to be an enby version of ‘Alejandro/a’ as a name, isn’t it? I suppose that would explain why some of your narration addresses Alejandrien as a ‘they’.

"So you chose a new name, huh," The Cubone moved forward. "That's cool. I don't want to mess up anything else, so could you maybe tell me what you go by?"

The Jangmo-o nodded."Yeah, fer sure. I go by they and her." They stared at T'nuri as she just continued walking. "I don't want to assume anything fer ya either, partner. We Pokémon aren't too boring, are we?"

"Oh right, a proper introduction. T'nuri the Cubone, a girl, I guess. I use she and her."

I… did not pick up on that at all from the narration beforehand, even if I suppose that explains a few things. If the narration is specifically meant to be from T’nuri’s perspective, I would suggest keeping Alejandrien’s pronouns one or the other up until this specific point, since T’nuri would have no idea that Alejandrien prefers to be addressed as they/her until this moment.

"Well, I'm Alejandrien the Jangmo-o. Yup, partner, just yur trusty Jangmo-o from the Sand Continent. A Jangmo-o with a penchant for investigatin' and doing all sorts of reconnaissance! It's detective work!"

[ ]

"Detective work? I myself do woodwork, I know nothing about your field."

I… didn’t get that vibe from T’nuri at all. You probably want to have more “woodcutter thoughts” bleed over into T’nuri’s thought process or showing her doing some party tricks dealing with trees or stuff to make this a bit less of an informed attribute.

… Maybe, I suppose there’s room to still do that from this point on in the chapter.

"We detectives want to learn about everything, that's why I'm here!"

[ ]


"Eh, that reminds me, Alejandrien, I'm also interested in why you have that saddle-bag you're carrying." The Cubone gestured to the cloth and faux-leather on their flanks and back. "It has a magnifying glass symbol on it, and no average Pokémon would be out here, better yet being tailed by those mudders."

Okay, not that this isn’t in your chapter art, but this is literally the first time that there’s been any mention of Alejandrien having personal effects beyond a saddle bag. You’d think that this would be pretty hard to miss on T’nuri’s part, so you’d think she’d notice a bit earlier than this in the chapter.

Alejandrien tilted their head. "Mudders? Ah, well I'm not on a team yet, but recently I started to work with a Detective Agency."

It’s a sign that T’nuri’s from Britain the Outside Franchise Cameo Continent. They all speak like that there.

"Ah," T'nuri gasped. "I've wondered why you didn't have a badge of any kind like a Rescuer, Explorer, Pokémon of Paradise, or-"

Orrrrrr she could be from Mist. Since I wouldn’t think that a Pokémon from outside of Mist would reflexively have ‘Pokémon of Paradise’ come to mind.

[ ]

"The Fogcutters Detective Agency is heaps loads more elusive and grandiose than those old groups!"

[ ]


"I see, tell me more about that later." The Cubone pointed her bone-club at the massive reach of fog that took up the entire skyline. "I'm not all that grandiose myself, I just started up a woodworking shop with a C-tier Adventuring Company."

A couple spots where it makes sense to show off the characters’ reactions a bit, especially if T’nuri is being a bit skeptical of Alejandrien there.

[ ]

The Jangmo-o shook her head. "Don't sell yurself short, managing to work with anybody who values your craft is a big deal."

[ ]


"That is true I guess, all I had was my folks, but very little sales."

"Sometimes we gotta branch out, yeah?"

[ ]


"I'd rather just stay where I am… Rather where I was: home in Pa'a Lepo."

Scratch that, make that the Aeon Alolaexpy Continent. Though a couple more points where it probably makes sense to describe a bit more of how the characters are reacting to each other / what they’re thinking internally.

The fog made the flora-coated hills smaller than they've ever been, their beauty tainted by the noxious fumes above. Even worse, the fire that bred inside the darker pockets of gas was primed to permanently scar the earth.

You want “flora” there as a term for “plants”, “fauna” is a term referring to animals. I would further suggest picking out some specific types of plants (e.x. trees, tall grasses), since it’d go a much longer way to helping your readers visualize the scene than a general “plant-covered hills” there.

The Jangmo-o slowly placed each foreleg down on the broken stretch of rocks while T'nuri used her bone-club as a cane to hop down to the bottom of the rough hill and onto the stone.

Wait, T’nuri can do that? .-.

With her claws on the solid ground, the Cubone let out a sigh. "I need to know how it was when you arrived on this island."

"Well, it was only me, a Floatzel, an Arboliva, and a Stufful as the crew on the brigantine," Alejandrien answered and followed after her.

[ ]

"So those Pirates didn't betray you or stow away on the ship."

"Nope."

That’s… quite the small crew there for an entire brigantine, just saying. ^^;

"At least you weren't alone." the Cubone grumbled.

[ ]


"Alone?"

"Yeah."

[ ]


"There was nobody else at all? That can't be right, there's Pokemon here."

"If they were, they must be on another part of this island." T'nuri shuffled under the Jangmo-o's gaze. "I hated being alone."

A couple spots where it probably makes sense to show off a bit more of Alejandrien’s reactions there.

"When I first saw you, I thought you were holding it together well, but looks can be deceivin' I suppose."

[ ]


"I was scared," the Cubone sighed. "But I was scared for you, and well now I'm scared for us."

[ ]


"I’d have never guessed, really. Maybe it's your skull-helmet. It makes you look fierce all tha time. Makes me want to find out if ya are."

T'nuri flinched away. "Fierce? I don't want to."

Some more suggestions for this section here.

"I'm sorry. I won't hurt you, partner," Alejandrien backed away. "Nothing like those pirates did."

Just saying, that doesn’t rule out the possibility of unintentionally hurting T’nuri there. ^^;

The two Pokémon slowly climbed up another slope of the land and stood still for a moment. In the distance up ahead of them, there was a massive tree.

Its rich, dark bark and strikingly full leaves shimmered while roots from the behemoth sprawled out far in front and down the sides of the land, eventually curving back into the earth. The tree bridged the hills below with a sheer wall that was surrounded by a forest with a small mountain.

A couple suggestions here, though you probably want to make it clear where this tree is relative to T’nuri and Alejandrien, since there’s not much in the way of location provided here.

"Yeah, we ain't never seen 'em before," The Jangmo-o said as she headed toward the tree. "I figured those pirates were prolly on a little sloop or skiff that tailed our brigantine through the fog because of our deck lights. We made it to port and anchored on the shore before that first lightning strike. When we came to, we started our quick preliminary search of the island."

Oh, so the crew Alejandrien was sailing with is still on the island at the moment. Probably. Maybe.

T'nuri followed right beside them. "What were you all searching for?"

[ ]

"Well, I was the only one after the fabled mysterious artifact on this island."

"The one in your bag, yes?"

This spot feels like you had some room for expansion to show off Alejandrien’s reaction a bit more.

The Jangmo-o smirked. "Hopefully. Judgin' by da concentration of iron, aluminum, and zinc coating-"

"Alejandrien, please hurry it up a little," the Cubone narrowed her eyes and sighed. [ ]

"We, the crew on the brig, all searched to see if the Ruinous Fog was actually on this island and what its effects were."

[ ]

"You call it Ruinous Fog?"

"That's what da Head and Lead Detectives call it."

Ditto here, especially if T’nuri is having some sort of “waaaaait a minute” moment given that she was told the fog was ‘Ruinous Fog’ by those two wild Pokémon last chapter.

[ ]

"I see. Is there Ruinous Fog in other nearby islands?" T'nuri asked.

The Jangmo-o nodded. "Traces of da very faint light grey fog was were thought to be seen near this island, and two others on the northeastern edge of the sea bordering the Archipelago Continent."

Oh, well that’s not ominous at all there. /s

The Cubone gazed at the roots that sprawled out from the tree in the distance. It stood stalwart even as the thick grey fog coated the top of its leaves. [ ]

"Actually, now that I think about it, if you came here looking for an artifact, you had to know about this island. Where are we?"

"Kuanalio Island."

T’nuri’s logic of “where are we” feels like it’s missing a couple steps, whether explicitly stated to Alejandrien or else thought to herself in her head. Put in a couple suggestions to try and clear things up.

[ ]

"What!? How did I even get up here!?"

"Ya didn't intend ta land here? The most northern island of the Archipelago?!" Alejandrien shook their scales. "Where did you set sail from then?"

This is another spot where it makes sense to show off T’nuri’s thought process in more detail since this information is kinda coming out of nowhere and without the benefit of context. I think that showing off more of the wheels in her head turning would’ve helped a lot here.

"Pa'a Lepo Island, in the heart-waters," T'nuri said as she jabbed her bone-club into the bark of the tree.

[ ]


"Something crazy must have happened to that ship you were on-"

"La Llovizna The Drizzle," T’nuri corrected.

"Yeah that, ta end up here," the Jangmo-o said as they stretched against the tree.

I’ll probably decline to explicitly point out parts where I’m suggesting expansions from here on out since you can see the brackets yourself, though I threw in a couple other suggestions.

Though did La Llovizna somehow get warped from one patch of ocean to the next, or…?

T'nuri pulled herself off the ground, anchored her bone-club in a branch, and climbed higher. "Like a typhoon or storm? Could one have sent me far past the islands of the mid-sea and beached me up in the north?"

… Wait, was it ever explained why T’nuri (and presumably Alejandrien) are climbing this tree, or…?

"Possibly. What were tha conditions of yer surroundings when ya woke up?"

The Cubone turned to the side. [ ]

"A beach with only small crushed rocks, and no grass. I was toward the south of the island as I was told to head north to search for help."

As the wind blew a bit harder the Jangmo-o pressed their claws into the tree and gradually went up. [ ]

"Who told ya that were told by who?"

"Some nice wilderners."

Some more suggested tweaks and spots to consider expansion.

[ ]

"They were the first Pokémon ya met?"

"Yes."

[ ]

"So that Buizel and Deino. Those two were pirates who had followed you and your crew to Kuanalio Island."

… Wait, is T’nuri meant to say both the “Yes” and the “So that [...]” line there? If so, you probably want to add something in between as T’nuri’s thought process changes along with the topic she’s curious about.

Alejandrien climbed up just beside the limb. "The crew and I spotted fragments of somethin' on tha beach, but I left that there part of the shore to search for the fog's source!"

[ ]


"We'll have to search for it later."

"Not later, the first chance we get!"

Wait, who is saying the second and third lines in this section? I assume that it’s T’nuri and Alejandrien specifically, but it might make sense to be more explicit about things.

Atop the branch of the tree, T'nuri tilted her head. [ ]

"And then you must have run into those pirates,” she murmured. “Why were those two-"

"They were afta' this sealed relic that I dug up while investigating!" the Jangmo-o interrupted her with a snarl. Their eyes and head crest were pitch-black, while their jangly scales flashed purple and green repeatedly. "It ain't just some little tube fit for their untrained claws. It's a real bonafide relic!"

Oh, so Alejandrien has some sort of tie to that ancient voice from the teaser scene. Since I can see those colors their claws are flashing there.

T'nuri flinched away from the Jangmo-o's jaw and brandished her bone-club on instinct. [ ]

"W-what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

Alejandrien's tail lowered as their features went back to normal. [ ]

"Sorry 'bout that, partner… Eva' since I woke up from that acid rain storm, my brakes have been whittlin' away."

T’nuri: “‘Brakes’? You mean that that’s not the first time that freaky lightshow’s happened with your eyes and claws?!” O_O;

The Cubone widened her eyes. [ ]

"Could this be our connection? I cut through that fog?"

"Definitely."

I feel like T’nuri and Alejandrien are potentially jumping to conclusions here. Like I can buy Alejandrien potentially having an idea of what’s going on since they clearly have some strange powers that they’re (somewhat) used to, but there was zero indication that T’nuri had any familiarity at all with the Ruinous Fog or whatever these powers are, so it feels like she ought to have had a bit more steps before floating the “this is our connection” bit.

T'nuri looked down at her feet and then sighed. She waited for a moment before she tapped her bone-club against the tree bark.

"I want ya to trust me. This relic- er, artifact- is just real important to me and all, 'cause it might hold the key to solvin' the Ruinous Fog." the Jangmo-o placed their claws against the tree and strained to climb up its massive girth. Their eyes watered as their shoulders tensed up.

I… didn’t realize that the Ruinous Fog was solvable. It might have made sense for Alejandrien to have given some indication of how the fog was causing problems or even had a theoretical solution, since this is kinda coming out of left field at the moment.

Silently, T'nuri leaned down to grab hold of the Jangmo-o's claw and pulled them up to their level. The two collided and fell off the branch. They rolled through the branches and leaves, and then down the hill.

The Cubone's skull shielded her head once they crashed at the bottom, while Alejandrien just buried her snout into the hillside. The two lay still. On the cool ground, their eyes drifted closed.

As the two slowly staggered off the ground, they were able to get a view of more of the island.

The beach they once walked along was shrouded underneath the oppressive reign of charred, black fog. To the west from whence the Cubone awoke, obsidian-rich plumes choked the stone and strangled what life left from the dying greenery. But most importantly, they had a clear view once again of the two pirates as they barreled through the land.

… Wait, but wouldn’t the fog impede their ability to see fine details of anything that’s underneath them? Are these pirates meant to be moving around in some spot without fog obscuring them? If so, where are they relative to T’nuri and Alejandrien? Like at they 50 paces away in a straight line? Are the two lower down on a ledge that’s close but has no direct path up to them?

"Snuff!" T'nuri coughed as she peered through the trees and winding ways. "That Deino and Buizel sure are persistent!"

giphy.gif


Alejandrien nudged her side and they raced across the tilted hillock's path. "I still dunno wha' a snuff is, but we've gotta hurry into some cover before those pirates catch up!"

"Okay!" the Cubone replied as she followed her.

It’s called ‘T’nuri is from the bland-name Erythia Sea’, Alejandrien.

As they moved in between the open air of the hill and the cover of trees, a jewel of the Kuanalio Island came into view. A low but wide dark earthy red, and tan mountain. Its top had a curious crater-like shape, while there were deep scores all across the side that ran from the mouth to the foot. Fog appeared to pour out of it. Or was it an illusion?

Either do a namedrop of “Kuanalio Island” or else lowercase the ‘island’ there.

The Cubone and Jangmo-o didn't keep took their eyes focused on from it, though, as and saw that the path before them split in two directions. In one, there was a small tunnel, in the other, there was and a bunch of rocky grass-covered knolls.

[ ] On a whim, T'nuri helped Alejandrien down into the entrance of the tunnel, and they took yet another breather.

[ ]

"Did ya know that this mountain formation has the potential to be a dormant volcano?" the Jangmo-o said as their clawsteps echoed through the area. "Not because of its position on the ring of Solgaleo, but 'cause of the traces of volcanic ash on the grass."

[ ]

"Interesting," the Cubone sighed as she ran her bone-club along the left side of the wall.

Some more odds and ends suggestions for tweaking this section to make it a bit smoother. Though the ‘Ring of Solgaleo’ part feels like ought to have at minimum been alluded to more in some earlier narration, since this term basically means nothing to me due to lack of context to piece together what it’s about.

[ ]

"Yeah. Oh, that reminds me, yur name's also mighty interesting, T'nuri. Isn't it based on the sacred collection of ghost-type Legendaries?"

T'nuri sucked in her teeth.

I didn’t see that one coming. Though this is a big enough personal detail that given how uneasy T’nuri is reacting to “wait a minute, that name…” from Alejandrien there, that it might have made sense to foreshadow that a bit from T’nuri’s perspective there.

Though I suppose that’s one way to tell what regional form of Marowak are the norm on T’nuri’s home island are like given that her name has a link to Ghost-types in particular.

"Let me guess, none of your parents are ghost-types, which means your Marowak parent wasn't born on the Archipelago Continent!" Alejandrien cheered.

I admittedly didn’t see that one coming based off the transparently Hawaiian name that T’nuri’s home island has.

[ ]

"Don't have to remind me."

Oh, well someone has an unhappy family / life backstory from that reaction there. Even if I kinda wish we got to see her reaction in a bit more detail.

[ ]

"Oh, and I can kinda make out a bit of Typhlosion features under your skull!"

[ ]

"Cut it out," T'nuri grumbled under her breath.

Alejandrien, read a room. Seriously. Though this feels like another detail that should’ve been foreshadowed a bit more earlier on.

"That parent must not be from the Grass or Air Continent! That reminds me, about those ghost-type Legendaries."

[ ]


"What?"

"You think you'll die and become one?"

"Enough about that!" the Cubone roared.

She pulled her arm back
and struck the rock face beside Alejandrien's head with her Bonemerang, point blank. A faint part of her skull-helmet turned black just as her eyes did, green and purple markings flashed on her skull-helmet as she continued.

"You seriously thought that was a good question?! Stop talking about what I'll become and who I am! I'll strike you down if you bring that up again!"

Well, someone has a nasty temper and/or is really touchy about her heritage there if she’s just flatly threatening to kill Alejandrien over this.

[ ]

"Sorry, sorry!" the Jangmo-o squealed. "Too far, I'll shut ma trap."

[ ] The pair walked out of the tunnel and ended up on a sand-filled mountainside. Across from them stood the mountain they had previously marveled at, now full in all its glory. Ruinous Fog was in its way.

Totally a good sign there! /s

T'nuri fiddled with her bone as they walked deeper into a plume of darkening grey miasma. "Hey, uh, Alejandrien?"

The Jangmo-o didn't reply and continued on ahead as the fog stirred. [ ]

"I shouldn't have lost control and threatened you like that," The Cubone lamented. "I'm sorry, I'm just so lost. I wanna go back home to Pa'a Lepo Island with my family and my workshop, and I'm scared."

[ ]

"You're scared?!" they finally spoke up.

"Y-Yes."

[ ]


"Well, when you snapped earlier, something happened to you. I'm not entirely sure what it was, but it scared me. I was just trying to lighten the mood," Alejandrien gently jangled their scales.

Huh. I wonder if whatever’s going on with T’nuri is something that’s just started happening to her since she doesn’t really seem to have much self-awareness of the lightshow that accompanied her.

T'nuri placed a claw on her skull-helmet and tightened the grip on her bone-club. "I'm sorry. I'll try to keep it under control."

… Perhaps I spoke a bit too soon there.

The two picked up their pace as the sky grew darker and the approaching footfalls and threats of the pirates grew louder. In the distance near the mountain was the mouth of a cave. Ahead, the dark stone path was littered with jagged edges and dips strewn all about.

Okay, just how long have those two been “one step ahead” of Deino and Buizel all this time? Though I wonder if it’d be more effective if for at least some of the “and then they heard the pirates again” bits, if those were explicitly rendered with dialogue instead of done entirely with narration.

Alejandrien nearly tripped into a hole blasted deep in the stone and flew across it with one swift leap. "Nailed it!"

[ ]

"Watch your step, Alejandrien," the Cubone warned as they descended down toward the cave-like structure.

[ ]


"Oh look, it was a wilderner burrow!"

"Wilderners, ah yes. Some on the side of the island with little vegetation told me to search for a Mystery Dungeon."

[ ]

"What else did they say?"

"They told me to head to the north, and perhaps I'd find a Pokémon who could help me go through and maybe solve the 'once was mist- now fog."

… That Pokémon was Alejandrien, wasn’t it? Even if that makes me wonder how those wildeners knew about their presence.

[ ]

"To be honest I'm hoping we can use this Mystery Dungeon, wherever it is, to find our crew and our brig," Alejandrien sighed.

[ ] T'nuri glanced behind her and ran faster.

Alejandrien jetted after her. "What's wrong?"

"The pirates are getting close! Where is the ship?"

You probably want to make it a bit more explicit as to how T’nuri is able to tell that the pirates are getting closer? For instance, is she noticing movement in the background or something?

"Not sure!" the Jangmo-o rushed past her. "But the Pokémon of the crew should prolly be nearby it!"

de7.png


The once light grey fog was now a dark slate grey. It churned quickly through the Kuanalio Island southwestern forest and heralded wildfire.

From across the mountainside and the forests below, plumes of gas quickly spread around the entire area. They rapidly advanced toward T'nuri and Alejandrien in a fierce ebony tide, bright with sunset-rich hues. Beautiful and dangerous.

"We're trapped by the flames!" T'nuri growled.

I… didn’t realize that there was fire encroaching on T’nuri and Alejandrien there. I would strongly recommend explicitly describing its presence and how it’s cutting off their path ahead or something.

[ ]


"Look!" Alejandrien pointed. "That cave should offer decent enough shelter!"

The pair of Pokémon got closer to the cave, and there was a loud rumbling on the mountainside.

"Get back T'nuri!" The Jangmo-o ordered just before a Dragon Breath hit her.

Oh, well, guess Deino and Buizel have finally caught up with these two.

The Cubone fell backwards into a plume of dark mist just before its embers intensified, but it lightly burnt her. "Sparks!" the Cubone cried, and clutched her right arm.

Okay, it’s not strictly an error, but if you’re being consistent about your XB3 nods, T’nuri’s curse there should very specifically be ‘Spark’ without the ‘s’.

Flame ignited off the charcoal-tinted clouds above the low mountainous area, and the Black Fog lapped at T'nuri and Alejandrien.

"Almost had ya!" the Deino yelled as they and the Buizel slid down the mountain.

… Wait, how? .-.

Though this is why giving an idea of general positioning of Deino and Buizel relative to T’nuri and Alejandrien would’ve helped a lot for making this moment feel less completely out of nowhere.

An enclosure of heat and fire fizzled all around four Pokémon, and more importantly, blocked the entrance to the cave. Mockingly, the fire didn't reach inside. However, just above the cave was a collection of rocks, held up only by a tiny block and netting.

The Buizel smirked as they got down on all fours. "Ya ain't getting out of this one, punks!"

T’nuri: “Is that seriously what you’re worried about when we’re surrounded by a ring of fire right now?!
476586337689141257.webp


They shot forward with a Quick Attack that tagged T'nuri and sent her in range of the growing flames.

Through the blaze, the Cubone rammed them to the side with a Headbutt as the Deino rushed at her.

With T'nuri cornered against fire, the Buizel shot out Chilling Water while the Deino ran at her with their fangs glowing with the energy of Bite. More toxic gas surrounded the Pokémon and obfuscated them.

This feels like a sequence that would’ve felt significantly more exciting to read had you described more of the ‘blow-by-blow’ action that happened here, since the skirmish is being described at a very high level at the moment.

"Get down!"

In the blink of an eye, a Scale Shot struck the Deino and they crashed into the Buizel, and accidentally bit them instead. As the Deino tried to move, another Scale Shot blasted them.

"Ya've done it now!" Alejandrien snarled, their eyes black and cymbal scales green and purple. "Let's cut it!"

"Don't count me out!" T'nuri yelled with her skull black and brightly colored, as she swung her bone-club toward the Deino and Black Fog that engulfed them.

I feel like the transition into “paranormal powers kick in” would’ve benefitted from more lead-in, since it basically feels like things just lightswitched into them coming into play.

The Jangmo-o fired out another Scale Shot at the block and then at the Buizel. The large grey scale launched at the Black Fog just as T'nuri's Bonemerang touched it.

"Now!" Alejandrien yelled.

In an explosion of black, purple, and green all of the nearby flames and fire scattered to the wind, Black Fog quickly dissipated and vanished from the entire mountainside in one fell swoop.

… They can do that? Just what sort of powers are those?
684293502049320970.webp


The pirates scrambled away from the debris just before entrance to the cavern sealed tight.

Right then, the Cubone and the Jangmo-o dove into the cave mouth just as the cascade of stones from above crashed down.

Instead of landing just behind the stones, Alejandrien and T'nuri smashed through a brittle cavern wall and rolled across a hidden chamber far from the entrance, and collapsed against a thick wooden signpost.

Another spot where this would probably be more interest to see things in more of a “blow by blow” description. Though a sign in this cave, huh? I wonder what it used to be used for.

After a few moments, the Cubone wobbled off the ground. She took in deep breaths and looked around the cave as she held a claw over her chest.

[ ] Bioluminescent torches along the room that lit up the sign behind them in a warm orange hue. It read 'North Beach Mountain Mystery Dungeon'.

Ah yes, jumping from the frying pan and into the fire there. :copyka:

Though I feel like we haven’t really gotten a solid read on what the chamber they stumbled into looked like.

T'nuri watched as the Jangmo-o stirred. "Did we just do that?" she asked, eyes wide. "We got rid of the fog and those pirates?"

"Only with our teamwork, partner!" Alejandrien clambered upright. They peered at their surroundings and then plopped back down. "Welp, here's that Mystery Dungeon we wanted to visit. Let's head on inside when we're ready!"

[ ]

T'nuri sat down beside her and placed a claw on her shoulder. "Sure thing 'partner'."

I kinda wonder if we should see more internal thoughts from T’nuri here reflecting on their circumstances and where they want to try and go from here. Like I get what you’re going for here, but this feels a bit fast, especially when Alejandrien is still in many respects a stranger to her.

Alright, time for the summary that I do for these things. By and large, I thought this chapter was kind of a mixed experience, with some stuff it did well along with a fair amount of rough edges. But let’s focus on positive things first and start with the stuff that I thought turned out pretty well.

I take it that the main point of this chapter was basically to get T’nuri introduced to another character and put her on a glide path to joining her final team. I thought you handled this pretty well, since the chapter did a decently good job at introducing Alejandrien and selling how they give off a pretty distinct vibe relative to T’nuri. I also liked getting to see more of the Ruinous Fog, ditto the pirates, which did a pretty good job at keeping things tense (even if the latter wore off a bit from repeated “near misses” for catching up with T’nuri and Alejandrien before they finally caught up for real). Also, I suppose I’ve always been a sucker for worldbuilding, but I thought you had some promising teases of a much bigger world with the Archipelago Continent and with both Alejandrien and T’nuri having some connection to some sort of mysterious ancient power. You’re definitely giving a lot for your readers to come back for in the future, and I’ll be keeping an eye on how things develop there.

On the more critical front, but I’d strongly recommend taking some time to read your prose aloud to yourself, since a number of parts felt awkwardly worded. I also thought that you needed more description in general in this chapter. There were spots where said description was sparse enough to make it hard to tell what was going on at a couple points like T’nuri and Jangmo-o’s initial confrontation with the pirates on the beach. You also had a few points where details about characters or the setting get brought up without supporting context or foreshadowing, so the details either come off as very sudden (e.x. the significance of T’nuri’s name and her parentage) or else don’t really move the needle due to not understanding the significance of them (e.x. the ‘Ring of Solgaleo’). Make sure to build those things up a bit more. Lastly, but I wasn’t really feeling your action scenes since they veered a bit into “action log” territory for depicting things that happened. Show more of what happens on a moment-by-moment basis and play up sensations and a general sense of motion. e.x. Compare:

They shot forward with a Quick Attack that tagged T'nuri and sent her in range of the growing flames.

to

They shot forward at her in an orange blur. T’nuri desperately tried to bring her club down on her attacker, but she was too slow to stop the Buizel’s Quick Attack. The impact knocked the wind out of her as she lost her footing and tumbled to the ground. When she finally stopped, she immediately noticed heat flashing along her scales—

It was the fire, now right beside her.

In terms of how easy it is to visualize one versus the other, plus the relative tension that comes through in the two takes.

Sorry if the review wasn’t quite as positive as what you were hoping for, @Kiba Makuro . Though for what it’s worth, I think that the core of your story here is pretty fun and memorable, it just needs a bit of polish to really make the most of its potential.
 

SparklingEspeon

Back on Her Bullshit
Staff
Location
a Terrace of Indeterminate Location in Snowbelle
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. espurr
  2. fennekin
  3. zoroark
Hi, I’m here for Review Tag on United! For this review, I covered the prologue and first two chapters.

I thought the prologue was really atmospheric and well-set up. I got a pretty good idea of who T’nuri was from the outset – from the little bits and pieces I gathered, I assume she left home to travel with the adventuring company as a carpenter, and on the return journey her ship got zapped here… very, very far away from where it should, or could have plausibly been. I’m assuming that, in conjunction with the ruinous fog on this island, forms the main crux of the mystery.

Alejandrien is also a colourful character. It seems like she’s a scientist, and was here to collect samples and artefacts, but was also a detective… ? I’m not sure what role detectives take on in this world, or if this agency really is a private eye type thing and not just a style for their team. Her accent leaves an impression off the bat, and I like how you differentiate between her and T’nuri by using language – Alejandrien has a really thick accent, while T’nuri uses swears that she’s never heard of. It’s a clever way to add in some worldbuilding!

The island, in many ways, seems to be a mystery. I guess it’s not inhabited by pokemon who aren’t wildeners, which would make this a Lost-type situation, and it also seems to be on-fire and cloaked in magical mist? A lot of this is happening in media res, so there’s still much that’s unclear. I’m curious to find out why the two of them felt ‘bound’ together, and what the artefact Alejandrien found is – were they dropped here magically? Is there some kind of legend out there that’s making all this happen? Are the pirates in the same situation?

In terms of syntax, there were some things that caught my attention. I noticed that a lot of sentences were sometimes cut off with periods (making them fragments and therefore not complete sentences), as well as there being random capitalized words here and there. Additionally, it was sometimes hard to tell what parts of the prose were T’nuri’s thoughts, as sometimes they would be italicized, but sometimes not. The syntax is my largest gripe with this story so far – I think going back in and combing through the story for those would improve the reading experience a lot!

A strong and simple start so far! At this point, I’m most looking forward to figuring out what the main ‘mystery’ the characters are going to be solving is, as there’s a lot of them floating around, and I assume one big question connecting all of them. It seems like they reached one of Alejandrien ‘s teammates, and of course felled those pirates, so perhaps there’ll be some time to sit down and talk soon…

Great work!

~SparklingEspeon
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. growlithe
  6. quilava-fobbie
  7. sneasel-kate
  8. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, this chapter was a bit short for P-Wheel, so I decided to throw it in as a bonus since you happened to have Fogcut Voyage up for a review tag at the moment.

Anyhow, let’s see how that Mystery Dungeon T’nuri bumbled into last time turns out:

Chapter 2, Part 1

The entrance to North Beach Mountain Mystery Dungeon sat silently, just was calm and silent as T'nuri and Alejandrien caught their breath. It was calm. Bathed in the warm orange light, away from the threat of the Black Ruinous Fog, away from the fire, and away from the pirates.

Alas, their journey was not over. [ ]

"I don't think I've ever had to run that fast before," the Cubone said as she stretched.

I’m not really feeling your middle paragraph there. Like what’s the significance of their journey not being over? Are they thick in the middle of this Mystery Dungeon with no obvious way out? Elaborate a bit.

With a shake of their scales, the Jangmo-o rolled over. "Same here, T'nuri." I'll be so sore later. They thought to themself.

They adjusted the scarlet and violet map case and straps on their black saddlebag, the magnifying glass icon pictured on it reflected the light from the cave.

I’m not really feeling the narration and dialogue going back and forth between the two. I’d suggest separating your paragraph here into two smaller ones here.

"Let's go inside." T'nuri pointed her bone-club at the mouth of the cave, her eyes sharpened.

Alejandrien nodded and followed her inside. As they entered, a wall of sand fell into place where the entrance was, and blocked their way back. There was only one way on: forward.

… I’m just realizing right now, but what does this place look like? Since I don’t recall it ever being described.

Inside was a rocky landscape filled with warm sand, small croppings of palm trees stood stalwart on the hills and valleys of the brown mountainous terrain.

However, the sheer height of the cliffs above left the Cubone and Jangmo-o pair speechless.

The cave went so deep, that none saw the bottom through the darkness. Not a single cry or call from a wilderner echoed from the reaches.

Nary a sound besides the rush of water.

Oh, well. Speak of the devil. Though I think you might want to give more details as to how this cave is laid out given how it has hills and trees in it. It’s not completely unheard of for such places to exist in reality, but those are very specific places and very specific portions of caves, while this sounds like it’s meant to be the entire system. If it’s meant to be deliberately unnatural, it might make sense to have the narration reflect that.

"We need to be careful." T'nuri said.

She
knelt toward the sand and put a clawful of soil in her mouth. [ ]

"Erm, we should be fine as long as we don't hurry."

Wait, T’nuri can tell that just by munching a bit of dirt? Just what exactly is going on there, and is Alejandrien finding it strange or peculiar at all?

Alejandrien nudged her forward and ran ahead to the thin path. "Yeehaw, we need ta speed right on through!"

"That's not what I meant," the Cubone groaned as she spat out the sand.

T’nuri: “Really, that’s more or less the complete opposite of what I just said.” >.<

She T’nuri followed them along the narrow stretch of land, into a rather larger room, one with various passages to and fro.

In the middle sat a Seel wildener, their brow furrowed. [ ]

"Leave!"

They shot out a burst of Water Gun at the Cubone, and the sharp jet tore through her scales.

I feel that you should have a bit more description of how this Seel wildener is reacting before going full “get out” and aggressive, since I’ll admit, I was expecting a bit more of a pronounced response.

She slid on the ground from the spray and nearly tumbled over. T'nuri caught herself before she charged forward in a torrent of sand. Once she reached the Seel the Cubone retaliated with a toss of her Bone Club.

The strong short distance throw bashed Seel's side and sent them to the ground with a cry. They got up just as the Jangmo-o approached.

Let's roll! Alejandrien followed T'nuri up with a piercing Scale Shot. The sharp scales flew one after another and tagged Seel on the shoulder, belly, head, hip, and flipper, each stronger than the last. Seel fainted on contact with the fifth, their eyes in a swirl as they fell onto the sand.

I’m not really feeling your battle narration here. I kinda get the impression that this will wind up happening a bit in this chapter, so I’ll just get it out in advance that in general, you want to docus on describing things as they happen, especially things that accentuate the “feeling” of combat such as sounds, movement, and sensation, since it goes a long way to making encounters feel more vivid.

T'nuri collected her breath as she pried herself off the ground. "Let's keep going."

Huh, that was a bit less dramatic than I thought. Like I get that not every random encounter in a Mystery Dungeon needs to be shown off, but I do wonder if it’d have made sense to have some sort of more concrete conclusion from this encounter such as something T’nuri thinks they should try differently about the rest of their journey or something like that.

The Cubone and the Jangmo-o maneuvered throughout the Mystery Dungeon, the warm sand and the salty breeze juxtaposed the daunting height and majesty of the land.

Aren’t they literally hemmed in by cliffs right now? Can they even see stuff of the land outside of a straight line? ^^;

Alejandrien bounded over a collection of brittle earth and swiftly turned around. That's a bit odd. She sniffed at a large rock before she padded forward. [ ]

"Now that I think 'bout it, why does the Ruinous Fog not spread here?"

[ ]

Some mon's approachin'.

"Good question," T'nuri tilted her head. "I wonder what Drilburr and Sandshrew knew about this Mystery Dungeon."

An enemy! "Can it fer now!" the Jangmo-o pushed her to the ground.

I think that it makes sense to give more of an idea of what Alajandrien is hearing / smelling / etc. that tips them off to the approach of an enemy, since I wasn’t really sure what was going on here with how different their thoughts were from their spoken dialogue.

Just above them, a blue Squakwabilly dove their talons against T'nuri's shoulder with a Wing Attack. "Go away!"

Yeeeeah, this is why it’d have made sense to describe more of what Alejandrien was sensing in between the different “something’s wrong” inner thoughts. Though I see that T’nuri’s popular™ right now with these wildeners. Can’t tell if that’s a coincidence or deliberate, especially with this battle coming this soon after the last one.

The Cubone stumbled to the ground, and just as quickly she rolled to the side and opened her mouth. T'nuri jumped into the air and Bit down on the wilderner's side, black energy laced in her maw.

With a cry, the Squawkabilly fluttered out of her grasp.

Ain't done yet! Alejandrien hopped right in front of them. They swept at the Squawkabilly's wings with a Low Kick.

The blow toppled them to the ground before they shot at the Jangmo-o with a Tackle.

Darnit ! She reeled back from the attack and shook her scales.

T'nuri bashed her skull-helmet into the Squawkabilly, and her Headbutt knocked the wilderner out cold.

See the earlier commentary about focusing more on the “blow by blow” of battle, since I’ll admit that this sequence kinda fell a bit flat for me. I would also suggest making it a bit clearer that it’s T’nuri who’s making those inner thoughts there, since for a moment, I thought that those were Alejandrien’s thoughts.

Alejandrien grunted and inspected their side, the beak and talons of the Pokémon imprinted had cut into the tough hide of their scales, and a small trickle of blood oozed out.

T'nuri's arm trembled as she wiped the blood from her wound.

The Jangmo-o sighed and stretched. "That was a tough one, partner!"

T’nuri: “Yeah, great. Can we hurry up and patch up my arm already? Just saying, I’d like to have less things that would attract wildeners to me.” >_>;

"Let's keep going." T'nuri rubbed her chest and continued onward.

I’ll admit that this part also feels like T’nuri should have more of a conclusion or thought process before going “Let’s go someplace else”, especially since she got noticeably hurt from this last encounter.

The pair headed through a vast stretch of sandy mountains, the Mystery Dungeon air calm and silent through muffled footsteps. The Cubone and Jangmo-o went through a few twists and turns before they came across a path that headed down. A natural decline in North Beach Mountain. One that led to a branching path.

The massive cliff they were above before was now beside them, just like the water that trailed off.

"Woah, look at that cliff!" Alejandrien gasped.

T’nuri:
do-you-have-any-idea-how-little-that-narrows-it-down-that-narrows-it-down.gif

Alejandrien: “Look, I’m pretty obviously talking about the one right in front of us right now.” >_>;

T'nuri looked up and down. [ ]

"That's insane." she pointed at the following current and then at the massive rock. "We've come a long way, to end up right beside it."

"Definitely! We're almost free!"

I feel like you have a bit of a missed opportunity here to elaborate on the scenery of this cliff and its surroundings and why it’s so breathtaking, since it admittedly didn’t really come out in your narration just yet.

Palm trees still towered over the two and the rough land before the pair.

Inside the next area, a Dratini slithered across the sand. They looked back and forth as their facial fins flapped.

Wow, a third wildener fight already? It feels like those have almost been back to back with each other so far. A part of me wonders whether or not it’d have been better to have two fights but make the second one a multi-enemy fight for variation, since you could still show off T’nuri getting (apparently) singled out to be targeted that way.

The Cubone watched as Alejandrien shivered. T'nuri poked her head into the room. Without any fanfare she pulled her arm back and tossed her Bonemerang at the Dratini, the attack bashed deep into their hide.

A roar echoed throughout the area as the Dratini shot forward a light blue ball of energy in their maw. Then the Icy Wind blasted the Cubone, frozen shards pierced through her scales. She dropped to the floor with a cry, her body caked in a thin crust of frost.

Okay, yeah, T’nuri is totally being deliberately targeted. Since three attacks in a row on her and none focused on Alajandrien?

"Don't fret now!" The Jangmo-o shuffled in front of her and fired off two Scale Shots.

The Dratini countered with a Dragon Tail that swept away a portion of the sharp draconian blades and collided with Alejandrien.

They crashed onto the ground with a gasp. I can't move! The Jangmo-o thoughts spiraled.

Oh, so Alejandrien is getting hit for once as well. I heard that ‘I can’t move’ in a Linly voice. I blame my mind being infected with Xeno brainrot lately. Though see the earlier recommendations re: your battle descriptions.

The Dratini's eyes narrowed even further.

T'nuri yelled as she pulled off the ground. "I've got you!" she clutched her Bone Club tight and swung it right against the Dratini's upper torso.

The powerful attack knocked the wilderner down on the floor and they fainted, sprawled out, chilled air of Icy Wind charged in their maw, dissipating away.

The Cubone glanced at her bone-club, her eyes trembling. [ ]

"Something … Something is wrong with me."

I think that you should show more of the specifics behind what T’nuri found so wrong. Like is she noticing that she’s being targeted again and again? Is it something else that she feels is amiss?

With a sputtered groan, Alejandrien climbed off the ground. They coughed and shook their scales out. "Ya okay now?"

T'nuri sat still for a moment. The Cubone heaved in a breath and pressed a claw against her leg. Her mind raced.

"Barely." Holy quaza, I haven't fought that hard in such a long time.

"Same."

Well, I suppose that answers what figures T’nuri’s home island venerates. Though I threw in a couple other suggestions to tighten up this section a bit.

The Jangmo-o sighed and T'nuri stretched.

[ ]

The Cubone got up and pointed at the open walkway before them, a thin section of tunnel within the mountainous cavern.

As the wind intensified the pair made their way down to the end of the Mystery Dungeon.

T'nuri rubbed her shoulder and slowly walked across the sandy mountain, the path widening in odd juts and angles."That Sandshrew and Drilbur wilderner pair said something would be here."

I feel like you’re missing some dialogue from T’nuri here before pointing out the open walkway, since I’m not sure that Alejandrien would notice it, much less pick up on its significance inherently. It probably would also be worth dropping in a reminder of what specifically the Sandshrew and Drilbur mentioned, since I’ll admit that this callback kinda drew a blank for me there.

"Somethin's supposed to be here besides the exit right?" Alejandrien asked, her eyes narrowed.

[ ] Further along the end of North Beach Mountain, quite a familiar sight could be found along the brightening area: odd stone pillars, with a wall made of brittle stone. Light from outside peeked through the exit as the pair grew near.

You probably want to explicitly point out that they’re still moving along before they notice this new area.

The palm trees swayed in the current. More and more of the towering plant life led to a small stone structure.

The underlined is kinda vague. I would suggest at the minimum providing some general description as to the structure’s shape or something like that.

As T'nuri and Alejandrien set foot on the ground the area shook. In the midst of that, a gentle green and purple mist filled the air, the same glow of the two Pokémon when they cut the Black Fog.

Out of the ground rose A wooden chest rose out of the ground. Mold and fauna alike burrowed into its depths. [ ]

"Wander what's inside?" Alejandrien nudged T'nuri as the latter stood still.

Some rewording suggestions here, but it probably would’ve made sense to show more of the characters’ reactions to this old chest suddenly emerging into view for them.

The Cubone continued forward with a nod and rubbed her scales. "Perhaps it’s related to that odd map?"

[ ]


"Listen T'nuri." the Jangmo-o gestured at their bag. "It ain't just an odd map, it's a bonafide relic!"

[ ]

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

[ ]


"Ya don't understand how important detective work is!"

"Just help me open this." T'nuri grit her teeth as her arms strained to pry open the lid.

I feel as if there’s supposed to be a decent amount of mood / body language changes that happen in this sequence that are kinda going unsaid at the moment. IMO, it’d be a chance to show off the characters’ personalities a bit more if you spend more time showing it off.

Alejandrien grabbed one handle of the chest with her maw, then pressed her claws into the top. She heaved with all her might. The lid crashed open with an echoing thud. This clatter traveled throughout the entire area just as the cloud of dust and decay exploded into the air. The Cubone and Jangmo-o flinched as they were covered head to claw in a faint layer of grit.

… I didn’t even realize that this chest had handles. It probably would’ve made sense to mention that explicitly when it was being initially introduced by the story.

With a shake of her scales, the Jangmo-o peered inside the chest.

Wait, she’s just casually putting her head in to huff all those mold spores? :copyka:

"What is it?" The Cubone behind her panted and wiped the film off her body.

Inside the wooden box was a yellow, faded scrap of paper with writing on it. Part of a journal page, judging by the thinly placed lines that ran horizontally along it. Written on.

The ink scribbles were nearly illegible, but there were a few words that stuck out.

'With our findings, we believe we could have a route to our alternate Archipelago Continent, and the whole world as we know it, once we complete that fabled map. It's — and — so far .'

Wait, how on earth did those wildeners even know about this thing? Or did they just know that something was there, but not there.

"A map ta another world!?" Alejandrien yelped and dropped to the floor.

I feel that it might have made sense to make the whole “alternate world” a bit more clearer, since I’ll admit that I didn’t pick up on that until Alejandrien blurted it out. Though I see the plot is thickening here. Next thing you’ll tell me, the black fog is due to this alternate world being on a collision course with this one.

T'nuri's eyes widened. She studied the rest of the paper. "Number VIII 8 Page LXXII 72."

"Number VIII Page LXXII !?" the Jangmo-o threw their bag to the ground and yanked an empty metal tube out. "That must mean there's a hundred pages or more… "

I… don’t think that it make sense to render the numbers as Roman numerals if this is spoken dialogue, since T’nuri and Alejandrien are clearly meant to be saying “8” and “72”. If you still want to have the Roman numerals worked in, consider something like:

T'nuri's eyes widened. She studied the rest of the paper. “‘Number V-I-I-I Page L-X-X-I-I...’ Right, I’ve seen numbers like these before, that’s ‘8’ and ‘72’."

"Number 8 Page 72 !?" the Jangmo-o threw their bag to the ground and yanked an empty metal tube out. "That must mean there's a hundred pages or more… "

Food for thought, anyways.

[ ]

"Why was this scrap of paper in a chest at the end of a Mystery Dungeon in the first place?"

It probably makes sense to have T’nuri dwell a bit more on the significance of this apparently being a fragment from a much bigger work. Like how’s she reacting to the idea that there’s suddenly a whole different world or that there’s apparently hundreds of pages of writing about it?

Alejandrien's tail lowered as they nudged it into the tube. Then they secured it inside their bag. "We'll have to get a date on the paper and a chemical composition analysis of the page for this to mean anything."

T'nuri looked at her bone-club, then sighed. "Well, I want to get out of here and get back home to my island."

Or T’nuri could be more worried about getting home. That works, too. Though should be shown off a bit more, IMO.

"Hold on a second!" the Jangmo-o raised a claw. "We've gotta find the crew and go back to the agency first. I'll explain more later."

The Cubone rolled her eyes. "Sure."

"I really mean it. I don't want you to think I've forgotten about Pa'a Lepo, your folks, and your wood workshop."

T’nuri: “You sure feel like you’re doing everything possible to convince me otherwise, just saying.” >_>;

"Well I'm not trying to leave them behind either. They're way more important to me, more than anything in the world."

[ ]


"I'll help ya get on back, but first tha crew and brigantine."

"Right."

I can just feel the enthusiasm rolling off T’nuri right now. /s

North Beach Mountain Mystery Dungeon had nothing left for the pair, as a salty wind swept around the cavern the two Pokémon exited the shelter.

The entrance was sealed up with a wall of rock. T'nuri and Alejandrien didn't look back.

Kuanalio Island was still the same, a rich black fog floated across the land, pockets of red and orange fire rolled closer and closer to the sand below.

Huh, there’s custom music for this fic, neat. The melody isn’t bad, either.

Flames were further away from the beachline on this side of the island. [ ]

"That Mystery Dungeon was awfully short," the Jangmo-o sighed. She stared into the murky skyline and glanced back at the Cubone beside her.

"I hope we don't run into any pirates and can just find the crew." T'nuri rubbed her arm.

I think that you’re missing a step going from the whole “looking out over the black fog” to “wow, that was a shorter trip than I expected”.

The Jangmo-o nodded and stepped in front of her. "We also need to find the ship and collect some more samples before we go. I really want ta measure the amount of sulfur and nitrate in the air, oh and the parts per million, or ppms of carbon dioxide."

"Come on." T'nuri nudged their flank. "Don't get distracted with all your nerdy talk."

"Sorry, sorry!"

Didn’t Alejandrien already explain what ‘ppms’ meant to T’nuri last chapter? Is there a reason why they’re not just using the term by reflex here?

Under the turbulent sky and on the uncertain land, the pair continued past the dormant volcano towards the beach.

Mangroves and oceanic plants grew out of the ground, untouched and untainted by the Ruinous Fog, and swayed in the wind as the Cubone and Jangmo-o passed.

Is this the beach that’s covered in black fog, or was there a different one? Since I’ll admit that that wasn’t really clear to me.

Hidden, buried in a portion of sand, a long green scarf sat crumpled out near a palm tree. T'nuri and Alejandrien hurried toward and the Jangmo-o lit up.

"That's Frederico's scarf!"

[ ]


"Someone from the crew?"

"Yeah!"

Some odds and ends suggestions here for this section.

Once the pair got closer to it the black and purple stripes spiraled around the scarf, along with the magnifying glass in the center.

"He ain't on an Investigation Team, but he still wears somethin' to show he's part of our Agency's Navigation Crew!"

"So he should be nearby!" T'nuri grabbed the scarf and tied it across the Jangmo-o's torso. "Let's go!"

I’m a little surprised that neither of these two are more worried about how Frederico’s doing right now given that his personal effects are just lying strewn around at the moment.

As the Black Fog followed, she led her through the weedy sand dunes closer to the crashing waves of the sea. Danger surrounded the two. Not that they were alone in their rush.

Fire was upon them again.

I’m surprised that these two aren’t having more of a reaction to “oh yeah, the black fog is back”, since you’d think that this would make them freak out more than a little bit here.

Through the cover of smoke, ash, and the land itself a large jet of Chilled Water drenched the Cubone and blasted her across the ground. Soaking wet, she rolled and tumbled for a bit and laid in a heap of sand and dried palm leaves.

Where did that come from? "What in Sky Tower!" Alejandrien skidded to a halt beside her.

Right, this story technically shares a setting with the canon PMD setting. I did a double-take there at Sky Tower.

"Third time's the charm!" the Buizel yelled.

The Deino dashed next to them with a laugh. "Don't think we'll let ya two run away again!"

I think that you should’ve more explicitly mentioned T’nuri and Alejandrian seeing the pirates and reacting, since they kinda come out of nowhere at the moment. Though yeah, I’m just going to take this as confirmation that these guys are capable of manipulating the black fog to get around.

In the wind, the fabric of the pirates' pink, yellow, and orange striped bandana waved, the Sharpedo stitching stalwart, almost primed for battle.

With a groan, T'nuri rolled over and tossed her Bonemerang at the Deino.

It cracked into their hip and sent the Deino to the ground in a tumble.

Deino: “... Ow.”
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A plume of Black Fog engulfed the Cubone, the spark of ignition ticking away like a bomb.

I’m not sure what you mean by “spark of ignition” there. Do you mean that T’nuri is feeling fire against her body again, or…?

Through the fumes and a new burst of flame, Buizel launched through the air in a Quick Attack, straight toward the Cubone.

Before the Jangmo-o could intercept it they rolled to the side to avoid the brunt of a Dragon Breath. The teal energy charred her hide and flicked her face.

"Fucking mudder!" As T'nuri crawled the fire tore through and across her body, the Buizel was right on her tail.

I’ll admit that I did a double-take at ‘mudder’ being used that way, since in Xenoblade 3, it’s very obviously intended to carry similar connotations as ‘fucker’ and its derivatives from the way it’s used. But I suppose your setting, your rules.

Dark blue energy charged in the pirate's paws. [ ]

"Help!"

It’d probably make sense to show off more of T’nuri’s panic/duress here, since it kinda goes unspoken outside of reading in between the lines.

I've got ya! "Partner!"

Alejandrien roared and flung her body in an arc. Her eyes went pitch black and her scale tips purple as she fired out a barrage of Scale Shots.

A few of those blasts knocked the Buizel off course, and their Chilling Water splashed onto the ground.

T'nuri grabbed her Bone-Club with both arms as her skull-helmet went pitch black, and purple and green markings trailed down her face. Her eyes pitch black as well.

"Yeah!"

She swung the Bone-Club, and it knocked one of the Scale Shots through the Black Fog. In a flash, it struck Deino square in the chest.

A blast of black, purple, and green lit up the area.

The Deino gasped from the impact and flopped onto the ground, their eyes swirling as their fighting spirit was quenched.

And yeah, my earlier comments about the battle choreography still stand. It’s a shame, T’nuri’s powers kicking in is very clearly intended to be a hype moment, but the delivery makes it fall a bit flat at the moment.

In that move all of the flames around the four Pokémon vanished, the Ruinous Fog gone with the wind. All of the Black Fog on this side of North Beach Mountain, and the surrounding beach and stretch of land.

795119682369093724.gif


I mean, I knew that those pirates could exploit the black fog, but is this implying that they are actively linked to it somehow?

The Cubone slumped back down and clutched her injured side, skull-helmet faded back to normal. [ ]

"I gotta get outta here!" the Buizel gritted their teeth and shot forward at T'nuri with the blinding speed of Quick Attack.

The Buizel still being up and having a panicky “oh crap” moment isn’t really communicated at the moment, so it makes their reaction come a bit out of left field.

Alejandrien stepped in front of her with a translucent barrier of energy, a Protect, and the pirate crashed into them.

"Good night!"

The Jangmo-o bashed into the Buizel's body with a Headbutt and threw them to the side. Not on my watch pirate! they thought, a smirk slowly plastered their jagged maw.

As they flew through the air the Buizel passed out. And crumbled to the sand.

… I’ll admit, that I had a very different read of what the Buizel was going to try to do when the “I gotta get out of here” line came up. I’d suggest tweaking it along with some rebalancing of your battle choreography and paragraph arrangement here.

Finished, Alejandrien collapsed onto the ground. The Jangmo-o's head buried against the sand as her heart raced. Whooee, what a fight. She thought.

Gales of fresh wind blew around the area as they took in a shaky breath.

T’nuri: “Um… shouldn’t we be getting out of here before those two pirates wake up?” ^^;

The Cubone beside them groaned. Her right arm was covered in a layer of char, the thick scales and natural grit tender.

Huh, I wouldn’t have thought that Cubone would have “natural grit”, but I suppose

She too took in an unsteady breath and stood up. "The fires are gone from here. Permanently."

"Y-yeehaw," Alejandrien stumbled toward her, as their tail slowly rose. "We destroyed it!"

… Wait, how do these two know this again? Since T’nuri didn’t exactly vibe as knowing how the black fog worked in the past chapters, so it feels a bit weird for her to clearly know “yeah, it’s gone now” at the moment.

T'nuri's eyes widened as the Jangmo-o's scales faded back to normal. "Together."

"We just did that partner!" They nudged the saddlebag on their side and the scarf across their neck. "We really did!"

The Cubone wiped the blood and sand off her shoulder. "With our teamwork!" she pointed her bone-club at the sky.

"Yeah!"

Deino: “We’re still here, you know!”
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T’nuri: “Get up and stop us, then.”
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While the path before them to the beach was bare, it was traveled. Paw, claw, and footsteps of varying sizes were faint but certain imprints in the mountain and especially in the sand.

"Hopefully there aren't anymor' pirates on this here island," Alejandrien said with a sigh.

T'nuri nodded. "Yeah, I would hate to run into more of those sparking mon."

Wait, are they still in one place right now, or did they move along, or…?

There was the subtle sound of something or someone in the distance just a bit out of reach.

"Is 'spark' a common profanity on the Archipelago Continent? Along with 'mudder' and 'snuff'?"

"Yeah." The Cubone glanced around the path. "What, did the crew drop a couple of them on you too?"

I’m not sure if it makes sense to mention the sound unless one of the characters (I assume T’nuri) explicitly notices it, since it feels like a bit of a non sequitur relative to this conversation. Though the Archipelago Continent is officially confirmed to be the Erythia Sea with more Pokémon in it. Duly noted.

The sound was clearer now, the waves and voices.

"Yeah." The Jangmo-o's golden eyes lit up even brighter. "Left me mighty confused!"

Wait, so where is Alejandrien from, and what do they say for swears anyways?

They walked out of the outcropping foliage and onto the sand of the beach, with T'nuri right by their side."Let's keep going," the Cubone said, and held out her claw.

Alejandrien nodded.

The two Pokemon weren't done with their new journey just yet, and darkness brewed around the corner.

I feel like the underlined is going a bit far out on a limb, since neither of these two characters know this information, and the entire time, this story hasn’t been written from a perspective of an epistle from a future date.

Alright, so as you could probably gather from my line-by-line commentary, I was a bit on the critical side for this review. But before getting there, let’s focus on the stuff that this chapter did better. I felt that the main star of the show was the characterization, since much of this chapter is just T’nuri and Alejandrien working together and getting to know each other more, and by and large it works well. There was also some fun worldbuilding dropped in, especially with that journal fragment the two found that more or less openly states that there’s a parallel world to the one we’re in, which holds a lot of promise for the future if it gets properly explored. Also, it’s a bit on the petty side, but I could see those Xenoblade nods that you dropped in every now and then. They’re definitely a fun bonus for readers who know where you got them from.

On the more critical end, I'll decline to go through the full list outlined in the line-by-line to focus on the stuff that stood out to me the most. First and foremost, I think the most immediate thing to be done is that you should take some time to step through your chapter and read things aloud, since some of your wording choices and phrasings were a bit clunky. I also get that you have a bit of a different ethos about writing stuff out and when details wind up making things bloated, but there were multiple points in the story where I thought that you had a lack of description that made it hard to get a handle on how to visualize things. It was especially noticeable in dialogue sequences where there were multiple mood shifts since those were mostly left entirely implicit in between lines of dialogue. Lastly, your battle description in particular was kinda wonky since it’s primarily ‘after the fact’ description. You also have three battles with wildeners in rapid succession with one another. I get that it had a practical effect of showing that T’nuri was getting singled out, but I wonder if you could’ve pulled the effect off with fewer battles, which would’ve made them feel less repetitive.

Sorry if the feedback was a bit on the disappointing side @Kiba Makuro , though for what it’s worth, I thought that the core of this chapter wasn’t bad. It just was a bit lacking on the polish front. I’ll be back for the second half of this chapter sometime in the coming days, since you did tease at the end that T’nuri and Alejandrien aren’t out of the woods yet, and it’ll be interesting to see where things go from here.
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. growlithe
  6. quilava-fobbie
  7. sneasel-kate
  8. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, back again for my proper P-Wheel review, featuring the second half of your second chapter to this story. We left things off on a bit of an open-ended and kinda ominous-sounding note last time, so let’s see where things go from here:

Chapter 2, Part 2

Alejandrien and T’nuri scanned the beach, one now free from the terror of Ruinous Fog after their successful combined efforts. One of true fogcutters, even unbeknownst to their power.

Wait, these two have a conception of what fogcutters are? Since that wasn’t really clear in earlier chapters that they’d even heard of the term.

Tall compared to the small dunes of the sandbar, they saw an Arboliva searching around. He held a relatively small wooden chest in his leaves as he dusted across the area.

There he is! "Frederico!" Alejandrien bellowed in a shout and tried to hurry toward him.

Oh, so that’s Frederico. Though made some suggestions for changes to the phrasing a bit to sound a bit smoother.

"Alejandrien!?" Frederico gasped and dropped the crate. The Arboliva flew over to the Jangmo-o and hugged them tight. "I was so scared when I woke up without any of the crew around!"

“Same here, partner.” She tapped Frederico's shoulder and he let go. Squeezed me half ta death!

Is the underlined meant to be dialogue, or…? Since it feels a bit weird to have the narration so firmly in Alejandrien’s perspective when up to this point, the chapter and fic at large have been written primarily in omniscient perspective.

He gasped as he grabbed his scarf from Alejandrien's torso. "I thought you guys had died in the sea or something after that crazy rain!"

If that’s what Frederico’s baseline assumption was about Alejandrien’s fate, I wonder if he should’ve had a bit more of an emotional reaction here, since I’m not really getting that much of a “relieved” vibe at the moment.

The Jangmo-o gazed at the ground, their golden eyes widened. “I can only say I'm personally safe, not sure about the others.”

[ ]


“Adi and Marisa, I pray to the future sands of time they're okay.” The Arboliva held his leafy arms. “Speaking of others, who's this Cubone?”

Another spot where it’d probably have made sense to show off Frederico’s reaction a bit more than what you currently did.

T'nuri made her way down to them and sighed. "Hello, I'm T'nuri."

"Ah hello." Frederico fixed his scarf across his shoulders. "I take it you were the one Alejandrien was looking for?"

The Jangmo-o laughed a little. "Let's worry about that later, Frederico. We need to find Marisa and Adi."

Yeah, I kinda feel that Alejandrien is a bit too calm at the moment considering Frederico’s baseline assumption about what happened to everyone else. Like at minimum, it probably would’ve made sense to have Alejandrien try to reassure Frederico earlier that these others are probably fine.

With a nod, the Arboliva hoisted the chest off the ground. He pointed a leafy tendril to the west.

"If anything, I came from that way and didn't see them so they must be further along the beach to the east or up in the land itself."

Frederico’s line feels a bit like a non-sequitur since from its structure, it’s meant to be a response to a question, but you don’t have one at the moment. Was there supposed to be one from T’nuri that got cut on accident or something?

"Thanks, are we ready?" The Cubone rolled her shoulders.

"Yeah, T'nuri!" Alejandrien grinned.

"Let's move!" Frederico pointed at the stretch of sand and plants before them.

The three padded through the beachfront for quite a few minutes, all the while the Ruinous Fog slowly spread closer from another side of Kuanalio Island and it spread fast.

Wait, that’s still around right now?
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Though I kinda wonder if revealing that the fog is spreading kinda undercuts the tension / surprise that would come from the characters discovering it when it inevitably catches up with them again.

After they traversed along the dips and rises of the beach a bit longer, Alejandrien pointed toward the brush of the land to the side. "Maybe we should check over there?" they asked.

T'nuri and Frederico rubbed their chins at the thought. "Sure."

Wait, who between these two is saying the “sure” here? Since it’s unclear at the moment.

Just as the three Pokémon got into the thin grass of the Island they spotted a red, pink, and white figure amidst the sand.

"Adi!?" the Arboliva shouted, his voice a raspy against the waves.

I… think that you need to provide a bit more detail than that for who Adi is, since those colors aren’t really ringing any bells for me.

The Stufful, wrapped in a small green, striped neckerchief bolted toward them, a torrent of sand flying in the air as their massive paws crashed onto the ground.

"You guys!" they cried.

Ah, that would do it. But yeah, I think that even something as simple as describing Adi as a “bear” in the original description would’ve helped quite a bit.

"Hey, Adi," The Jangmo-o smiled. "You okay?"

Adi sighed and caught their breath. "I guess."

"Great, I missed you too!" Frederico hugged them.

T’nuri: “I’ll… just be sitting on the side over here then, I guess.” -_-;

"Oh." They returned the embrace and broke away. "Alejandrien found the relic we were looking for!" the Stufful pointed at the cylinder.

Alejandrien puffed up. "Hehe, I'll tell you about that on the voyage back!"

T'nuri rolled her eyes yet again.

Okay, not that it isn’t a good idea to try and avoid making repeated introductions ad nauseum to avoid repetition, but I do wonder if Adi logically should’ve had a “who’s this stranger?” to T’nuri, since the two have literally never seen each other up to this point.

The four went further along the beach, closer and closer toward their destination and final companion. A squall slowly filled the air as the Ruinous Fog continued its path of destruction, and engulfed more of the island under a black cloud of toxic tyranny. Mist still surrounded the edge of the water, blanketed in thin grey soft sheets for kilometers.

The waves of the sea ebbed and flowed with a renewed vigor, the brine splashed higher and further as the Pokémon hurried along.

Wait, where is the Ruinous Fog relative to the party? Can they see it at all at the moment? If so, how are they reacting to it / thinking about it?

Out of cover of bushes and rocks on the hill, a Floatzel climbed out.

"Hey!" her shout echoed through the area as she adjusted her purple-striped bandana. "I've gathered some supplies."

The Floatzel was still a bit away from the group as the view beach was blocked by more mangroves and towering flora. They rounded the corner to a clearing as she caught up.

"Marisa!" Adi cheered.

I kinda wonder if Marisa should’ve had a bit more “there you are” with her reaction, since she’s been separated from the rest of her team all this time and presumably had no knowledge as to how they were doing.

The Floatzel caught her breath for a moment, her tails spinning. "I'm glad to see you all safe."

"Likewise." Frederico grabbed her shoulder.

"Now where is the ship?" Marisa hefted up some rough pieces of palm tree wood.

"There!"

The underlined lines here have ambiguous speakers. You might want to add speech tags to both of them.

On the shore sat the ship that carried Alejandrien and the crew to Kuanalio: a brown-orange brigantine, with purple sails, some finishing, green trim, a black hull, an orange rudder, lookout nest and harpoon. Battered and bruised. Pieces of wood from the hull drifted in the ocean. And one of the masts had collapsed from the rough mooring.

I feel that your underlined portion there should be split up into two sentences, since that’s a lot of stuff going on in one go.

"Shit!" the Jangmo-o's tail dropped. " El Nadar Rapido. The Swift Swim!"

That would be “Nado Rápido”, which is A: how one would refer to a “swim” as a noun in Spanish, B: the current Spanish localization name for “Swift Swim”. You could alternatively have rolled “Acuavelocidad” or “Nado Veloz” if you wanted to tickle some nostalgia bones for people familiar with older Pokémon games and episodes in Spanish.

" Mierda. Shit indeed." The Floatzel clutched her purple scarf. "Those damn snuffing pirates did quite the number on him."

Wait, so the crew of the Nado Rápido uses both Spanish and Xenoblade profanity? Where on earth are they even from?

[ ]

"What are we gonna do now?" T’nuri held her bone-club to her chest.

[ ]


"Well here's the good news." Marisa climbed up the ladder on the port side. "We can fix it!"

"And the bad news?" Adi called up.

"We've gotta fix it."

I think that you’re missing some description in between these lines of dialogue, since if this was rendered as a comic or a video, there would clearly be some pauses and characters moving around in between lines. Recall that as a non-visual medium, that you need to provide some amount of description of such things, otherwise it won’t be picked up on by readers.

The five of them spread out toward the palm trees and large deposits of stone.

T’nuri spoke up before everyone split up. “Good news folks, I’ve read about this.”

The Floatzel ahead sighed. “Another nerd?”

[ ]


“I’m not a nerd just because I like books.”

[ ]

“Ah, much better than Alejandrien over here, yapping to all spark about chemicals!”

“Hey!” the Jangmo-o pushed her. “I prefer doing experiments ta readin’ stuffy old textbooks all day!”

Some more spots where it’d probably have made sense to drop in some description of characters’ reactions or what they’re doing.

[ ]

“Anyway, I read books on wood repair so it’s a good thing I’m used to working with lumber!” the Cubone patted her side.

Marisa clapped her paws. “Glad you’re not just a nerdy book-Orthworm, eh?”

“Hey!” Alejandrien yelped. “I’m not just a nerd.”

Marisa wasn’t obviously referring to Alejandrien there, so Alejandrien’s protest feels a bit disconnected.

“Never said you were only that,” the Floatzel laughed. “You’re still a nerd though.”

The Jangmo-o grumbled. “Why don’t you bother T’nuri?”

“Me?” the Cubone took a step back.

Adi ran up beside them. “You’re a woodworker? What did you do?”

“Eh I just made little chairs and small stuff.” T’nuri rubbed her head. “Nothing like working on a ship.”

Adi’s question IMO should be rendered in a way that makes it more explicitly topical to T’nuri and her woodworking skills.

“Hey, chairs are pretty important!” Frederico patted her back. “Let's see what we can do, everyone!”

Small punctuation error there.

The Cubone and the Stufful sized up one of the larger selections of trees with the thickest wood and cut them down from bottom to top while the Jangmo-o and Arboliva dug through the soil and found tough collections of stone and ore. The Floatzel sorted through them and made repairs and fixes to the vital parts of El Nado Rápido. Once they gathered enough materials everyone went aboard and started the particular reinforcements and building.

"Alrighty," the Floatzel called. "Let's hurry before that fog catches us."

That was certainly fast. I kinda wonder if you glossed over the whole process of putting the ship together a bit much, since I was admittedly expecting to see more of T’nuri actually in action and seeing what the process of her woodworking is like. You could’ve very easily made an entire short scene out of just the first paragraph in this section.

"Now Alejandrien, tell us what you've seen." Frederico tightened his scarf.

"On the southwestern, and northwestern side of Kuanalio Island, there are Category 5 conditions, and it will reach Category 6," the Jangmo-o explained. "Extremely dangerous amounts of Ruinous Fog along with a small amount of pirate activity. I need a full Team for further investigation."

"I see." Adi's ears lowered. "Do what you need to."

What are these ‘conditions’ referring to? How dangerous the land is? The weather? Or… Since this categorization system doesn’t really mean anything to me at the moment. If that’s deliberate, you probably want to show that off in the narration by having T’nuri be puzzled or something, or else use her as a proxy to explain what this means.

Marisa waved a paw at them from the rudder. "I'll be waiting."

Alejandrien took out a small assortment of glass jars from their black saddlebag. "Alright, I'll go collect some more proper evidence!"

[ ] T'nuri grabbed a few and pried off the lids. "I'll help too."

Waaaaait, but didn’t Alejandrien just say that they needed a full team for further investigation? Are they intending to check a peripheral area or something? Since on its face, this feels kinda contradictory to the earlier report Alejandrien gave.

The Jangmo-o dashed toward the plume of black, fire, and orange [ ]

"Let's get a bit of Ruinous Fog, and part of the island that has been affected by it!" they listed said.

"Got it!"

I think that you’re missing some words from the bit before Alejandrien speaks up. If nothing else, you probably want some acknowledgement of T’nuri here.

With a careful bob and weave the Jangmo-o snagged a jar full of the toxic gas and then snipped a blade of seagrass as it was set alight. Alejandrien grabbed a portion only covered in the Ruinous Fog and shoveled that into another jar.

That… feels more than a little risky for sample collecting. I’m surprised that Alejandrien doesn’t have the equivalent of a selfie stick or something to try and collect these samples at distance.

"I think I have enough sand and rocks!" T'nuri called and held up the filled glass jars.

I didn’t realize that T’nuri was collecting samples in the background since it wasn’t really described at all. It might have merited throwing in a minimum of a passing sentence bringing that up.

The Jangmo-o sniffed each of them and nodded. Such interestin’ compositions, nothing like regular. [ ]

"Alrighty, let's go!" She ran to the ocean and scooped up the brine into one last container before she sealed all of the glass and placed them back in the compartment of her saddlebag.

Okay, so I’m just realizing that the parts of the narration that are written from one or another character’s perspective are supposed to be internal thoughts. Your formatting for rendering them didn’t come through in that case, since in the first part of this chapter and earlier on, you very distinctly made them italicized relative to the surrounding text.

The Jangmo-o and the Cubone made their way on board El Nado Rápido via the large metal ramp on the port side. It rose back up into the ship once they stepped on the deck.

This is another spot that also feels very rushed, since I was under the impression that Alejandrien and T’nuri went off a decent ways to collect these samples, while this feels like they literally just took a couple steps over.

[ ]

"The Ruinous Fog isn't going along the water!" the Arboliva gasped as he lifted the anchor. "We're safe!"

Frederico ran to the front sails and loosened the ropes on the port and starboard. With one push the sails unfurled and caught the first bit of wind, massive fabric blowing every which way before the Arboliva angled them straight ahead.

This paragraph feels like it should be broken up, and the whole “Ruinous Fog following them and then stopping at the water line” thing didn’t come through at all. I would very strongly suggest depicting that more explicitly in narration.

The Stufful adjusted the starboard side rear sails. [ ]

"Now we can take a breather and plan for our next trip." Adi said.

She
grabbed a telescope and tucked it in between their scarf. Then they began the lengthy climb up to the lookout nest, and gazed at the ebb and flow of the tide from the point for a bit.

Some more suggestions for reorganizing this paragraph here. There’s a part where it feels like you’re missing something, but I was having trouble thinking of concrete suggestions to make.

"Alrighty we're setting sail." Marisa held out her compass before she pulled out her Wonder Map, an orange triangle on the top right of it. This ship and all others of the Fogcutters Detective Agency had a few other colored shapes on the map: beacons inside them that shared their location.

… What on earth is a ‘Wonder Map’? Since this term and what it means in-setting was literally never mentioned prior in the fic or elaborated on.

And thus El Nado Rápido set off onto the ocean, headed southwest. It was off from the northern shore of Kuanalio Island, one of the furthest points in the Archipelago Continent's waters. A brisk wind rolled across the ship and its passengers as they locked in their course.

T'nuri plopped down against one of the masts as the ship lurched along [ ].

"So where are we sailing to?"

"Iaijutsukage Island." Alejandrien sprawled down beside her.

Ah yes, off to Japan Island, I see. Though that name's definitely a mouthful since that’s literally six syllables in i.

[ ]

"In the heartwaters?” T’nuri asked. “Why?"

"It houses tha Fogcutters Detective Agency."

You probably want to show off more that T’nuri is finding this whole idea strange. It would also be a chance to show off how familiar (or not) she is with the crew’s target destination.

“And that's what your job is with, huh?” she asked. “Gonna explain that?”

This line had a few errors. I suggested some tweaks to tidy things up a bit.

“Well, we investigate various mysteries. Pokémon either bring them to us as jobs or ones we find ones that are a threat to the Pokémon of the land ourselves. You know, what detectives generally do.”

[ ]


“I see,” T'nuri stretched out against the railing, and leaned forward. “I guess it's in the name, detectives detect stuff, kinda like my job.”

Some suggested tweaks for this block here.

“So what did ya used to do back home?” The Jangmo-o asked.

“I just started working at a small workshop,” the Cubone explained. “I made tools and furnishings for adventurers and other Pokémon who needed them.”

Alejandrien sat upright. “Your workload is in the name too, I suppose, but of course it's not that simple right?”

… Wait, it does? I’m not sure if I follow here.

“Yeah, my coworkers and I each specialize in different areas, but all of us make stuff that's relatively small and boring. Nothing like a giant wood carving, an entire building, or ship.”

I mean, didn’t T’nuri just get roped into ship repairs earlier on? So she’s technically helped build a ship at this rate.

[ ]

"Don't worry too much about what you can't do, try and focus on what you can do.”

“I’ll try,” T’nuri said as she looked away.

The Jangmo-o nodded, “That’s the spirit.”

Another spot where some character reaction would probably make things a bit better in terms of delivery.

The voyage was simple, fair winds, easy currents, and no pirates to be seen. Waves crashed upon the deck of the ship as it navigated through the gales used to continue onward. Some bursts of wind had to be countered with an adjustment of front and rear sails, and other times with the steady guidance of the rudder, to slightly alter the path of El Nado Rápido.

Wait, they’re trying to ride along with gales? Isn’t that a fantastic way of getting those sails inadvertently shredded? :copyka:

From far off the coast, the Ruinous Fog truly did swarm across Kuanalio, but some of the southern point, a heavily forested area was fine. For the moment. On the slim glance of islands to the south, there was a small shimmer of a sparkling fog on one and a very faint shine of a faded dark green fog. Both weren't as intense as the black fog but could brew into something deadly given time. El Nado Rápido passed one last island, one small and free of Ruinous Fog before it approached the eastern side of Iaijutsukage Island.

I’m not really sure if I’m feeling the “back on Kuanalio” description versus this new island, since it makes it sound as if they’re only 5 minutes away from each other while I presume that this journey took quite a bit longer.

… Though how much time has gone by up to this point anyways? It’s a bit unclear. ^^;

An enormous island filled to the brim with white buildings as far as the eye could see. Tall hourglass statues and various monuments stood tall, like the few mountains that graced the island. There were different types of buildings spread throughout the island, with pagodas and shrines that were located toward the center and northern portion of the land.The ship made it to a harbor and the crew anchored it down before they lowered the ramp.

Wait, is this entire island the Detective Agency headquarters? Though either way, that sure sounds swanky…
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"Alrighty you two, we're going to go work for a bit!" Marisa ushered Alejandrien and T’nuri down.

Down on the boardwalk, there were numerous other ships and boats, some were very small while others were much bigger than El Nado Rápido. Pokémon of all types walked to and fro, some carrying supplies, or equipment.

I kinda wonder if the underlined should’ve had some more specifics, since I can’t really visualize what it’s referring to there.

Frederico wrapped his arms around them both with a fragrant floral aroma. "Now you can go relax before you give your report."

[ ]

“You grass-types sure are welcoming,” T'nuri said with a cough.

Alejandrien wheezed in a ragged breath. “Not all of ‘em can make all these scents and hug so tight.”

You probably want to explicitly mention that T’nuri and Alejandrien are getting squeezed and uncomfortable, since that wasn’t really apparent until I stopped and squinted at things for a bit.

The two separated from the Arboliva for a moment and walked further inland, with Àdi right behind them, a purple saddlebag fastened to their hip.

Take some time to relax around town, you two!” the Stufful said as they nuzzled T’nuri’s side.

[ ]

"I'd rather relax in Pa'a Lepo, reading at home with my folks. Or even just at my shop working on a new door or chair, but fair enough," the Cubone sighed.

Some more suggestions for this spot here.

The Jangmo-o gestured at a large collection of buildings above the beach of Iaijutsukage. "We have ta go to the Fogcutter’s Detective Agency first, partner."

[ ]


“Always talking about what ‘we’ need to do,” T'nuri grumbled. “I have needs too.”

[ ]


“Please just hold on a little longer.”

[ ]


“Fine, you better promise me.”

“I promise.”

Another spot where you have a few moments of character reaction that are probably worth explicitly writing out to some extent.

[ ]

"It shouldn't take long," the Arboliva added. "But we need to look for someone."

“Who?”

“Someone from the agency.”

Who is saying those last two lines? Since you have three characters present at the moment and the speakers aren’t really clear. (My assumption is that it’s T’nuri and Frederico, but…)

They soon exited the boardwalk and made their way onto a grassy and dirt-filled path, slightly above the beach, still in view of the sea. "Where’s the agency?" T’nuri asked.

"It is on the outskirts of Phantismo Vista, a city," Marisa replied.

… Wait, there was a boardwalk there? Though I’ll admit, I wasn’t expecting the city name to be Spanish when the island name was Japanese.

[ ]

"Ah, I've never been there. I've mainly hung around the south and then the capital, far in the north."

The group of Pokémon walked along the harbor and eventually made it to a residential area of Phantismo Vista.

Wait, were they in Phantismo Vista all this time, or…? Since aside from the fact that T’nuri’s reaction is a bit underdescribed at the moment, this feels like another really sped-up moment here for the process of them walking around.

"It's just down the bridge that way." Adi pointed forward toward a white marble bridge.

The Arboliva behind them adjusted his purple satchel. "Bao, one of the Head Navigators, a Clawitzer, said she and her crew would be nearby once we landed."

>female Clawitzer that’s an experienced ship captain

Have you been peeking ahead in my main fic or something? >:V

"I see," Alejandrien replied with a flick of their tail.

T'nuri rubbed her chin. “So that's who we're looking for. Good to know.”

Small brown, gray, and white apartments with bright colorful trim sat in stacks, with palm trees and other tall plants surrounding them to the bridge and beyond, deeper into Iaijutsukage.

Wait, but I thought they were very specifically headed into Phantismo Vista. It feels a bit weird to bring up a specific place of Iaijutsukage Island they have to go to, and then talk about moving around in the more general location.

The Jangmo-o hummed in thought and stepped away from the crew.

In the distance far beyond the bridge a large blue and black Pokémon, a Clawitzer, jetted through the air. The structure behind her blocked the view of the Pokémon behind her.

You have a punctuation error here, though I think that it’s a bit redundant to say “blue and black Pokémon” and “a Clawitzer” back to back like this. Also, I could’ve sworn that you already mentioned that this navigator was a Clawitzer earlier.

The Floatzel in front of everyone stopped in her tracks. "Oh, there's Bao!”

Oh, so Clawitzer has a name, I see.

“Huh?” T'nuri asked

“See ya~" Marisa's ears perked up. She adjusted her scarf before she raced down the bridgeway.

[ ]


“Huh?”

I feel that it makes sense to have one or the other “Huh?”s replaced with something else since this feels a bit repetitive. Also, it is unclear who is saying the second “Huh?” here.

Frederico and Adí gathered up all their belongings and hurried after the Floatzel without a word.

The Jangmo-o and Cubone pair were left by the three as they stared at their surroundings.

“Where'd Marisa, Frederico, and Ádi go?” the Cubone whispered and looked side to side.

I kinda wonder if explicitly describing the others leaving like this kinda undercuts the surprise feeling from T’nuri and Alejandrien noticing that everyone ghosted them. It might have been better to go more of an angle of “By the time T’nuri and Alejandrien turned around, they noticed that everyone else was gone”. Or something like that.

The Jangmo-o beside her hadn't heard the question. “Huh?”

“Nevermind.”

Well, Alejandrien confirmed for having some questionable situational awareness if they’re just noticing now that everyone else left. :copyka:

T'nuri once again stood still. The lingering ocean's scent and salt brushed over her as a tranquil breeze passed by.

The same wind that rolled through the entire land. [ ]

"Isn't this area mighty swell?" Alejandrien asked.

I feel like we’re missing some sort of description to tee things back up to being in Alejandrien’s perspective here.

"Yeah."

T'nuri walked away from the dirt road to an open hill, providing a view of the town below. Phantismo Vista was breathtaking. Full of all sorts of architecture, framed on seashell-lined and cobblestone-lined streets.

Ancient white buildings were tightly packed together, their sides painted a myriad of warm and bright colors, despite the narrow streets. Newer yet similarly light buildings appeared in developments and various sections throughout the city, more and more toward the center.

The light brown boardwalks between each land mass were sparsely decorated with lanterns and electric lamps. Atop them, quartz and marble hourglass statuettes sat ominously, juxtaposed by bright scarlet and violet ribbons that linked each light source to the other.

Well, that place certainly does seem mighty swell.
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I do wonder if it’d have made sense to reveal a bit more about how T’nuri was reacting to all of this. Like has she been in environments like these before? Is this something completely novel and unexpected for her? Since you don’t really give much of an indication there.

Closer to the hillside, a Grookey and a Fuecoco walked on a stony path, both carrying a backpack.

Oh hey, it’s the other half of the banner gang. Let’s see who we’re dealing with here.

Another pull, this time different. T'nuri glanced back at Alejandrien and stamped her foot into the earth. It rumbled back her frustration, and a pile of sand started to dislodge. The pair of two Pokémon's saddlebags were black too. But they also had the purple and green colored magnifying glass. The symbol of the Fogcutters Detective Agency.

Can’t tell from here.” Still a pull.

Wait, what is this “pull” that T’nuri is feeling? Since I’ll admit that I felt really lost while reading that.

A warning pitter-patter from the steadily increasing sand fall was too quiet to be heard over the daily life of Pokémon in Phantismo Vista, and the thoughts in the Cubone’s and Jangmo-o's heads.

The very hillside they stood on had something inside it. Inside Iaijutsukage. Something that resonated within, and it was weaker than they ever were.

I’m… not really feeling this phrasing here in these paragraphs. It might make sense to play around with the wording, since I’ll admit that I’m not fully sure what on earth is happening right now.

Another rumble shook through the hillside, not from the Cubone’s efforts.

Then it collapsed.

The loosened sand fell in chunks, and the weakened foundation of land destabilized once again in the presence of a ground-type and their unstable will.

In a crashing heap, the dirt, rocks, and chunks of soil cascaded down to the slate of the earth.

T’nuri: “... Ow.”
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"L-look out!" the Jangmo-o yelled as she and T'nuri plummeted downhill.

Well, looks like I might’ve jumped the gun a little bit there.

The two held onto each other as they careened toward the ground and the other Pokémon below. A plume of sand and dirt shot into the air as the earth collided with a deafening roar.

Alejandrien fell into the Grookey and was shoved back onto the ground. The Grookey fell backward just as their companions crashed.

T'nuri couldn't catch herself and collided against the Fuecoco as they tumbled over. Her bone-club accidentally jutted out of her clutches and hit him.

Wait, where was this Grookey and Fuecoco all this time up until now? Since I didn’t get the impression that T’nuri and Alejandrien were that close to them.

"Ya've gotta be bloody kiddin' me!" he screamed.

Who is the he there? Since you just introduced two new characters?

As the Fuecoco fell T'nuri pulled away. She widened her stance to ground herself. "Spark! My bad-"

"You!" At the speed of light, the Grookey beside the Fuecoco swung her wooden stick at T'nuri.

Ah yes, time for
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[ ]

"F-fuck," the Cubone gasped and twitched for a moment. She dropped her bone-club and sank to the floor wordlessly. With a croak, she doubled over.

You didn’t actually describe T’nuri getting hit earlier, so this feels a bit out of nowhere at the moment.

Shit! "By 'Quaza! 'Am sorry plenty sorry Emile!" The Jangmo-o got off the ground and ran up to T'nuri, the Fuecoco, and the Grookey.

The Grookey crossed her arms as Alejandrien nearly doubled over, her forelegs wobbly.

T’nuri: “Wait, you two know each other?”
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She pried herself upright and faced the Fuecoco. "And Kaliente! T'nuri didn't mean to do that on purpose!”

“Ya sure mate?” he croaked.

“She and I lost our footing and tumbled downhill."

That’s a bit more than just “tumbled downhill” given that your narration seemed to indicate that the hill more or less disintegrated under their feet.

“Un momento. One moment..." Emile, the Grookey narrowed her eyes. "My calculations were off."

Okay, so you also did it with “Mierda” earlier, but I think that it’s kinda redundant to say a foreign language word and then its English equivalent right afterwards. Like if you want to reveal the meaning to the reader still, I would strongly suggest just hovertexting the Spanish / foreign language term you want to show the meaning of off.

The Cubone clamped her eyes shut. "It's ... it's fine."

T’nuri: “Well, no, it’s really not, but I’m too busy seeing stars to conk you back right now.”
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"Ya ain't doing a good job convincin' me I'll tell ya," Alejandrien stood in between her and the others.

"I'm... down here," Kaliente, the Fuecoco mumbled. "I'm down here too, yew know,"

Oh, so the Fuecoco is ‘Kalliente’. I mean, I more or less called it the moment I saw the summary and the story art, but good to have confirmation here.

The Jangmo-o's tail lowered. "Sorry 'bout that! I'm the one who made us fall. It was an accident, Kaliente."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit you like that." T'nuri sighed.

The Fuecoco thrashed his tail. "Accepted. Still bloody hurts."

Alejandrien blinked. "Emile?"

The Grookey glanced at the Jangmo-o, who gestured at their partner.

"Emile." They shook their head. "Ya didn't need to hit T'nuri so hard."

I kinda feel like Kaliente and Emile aren’t really being reasonable to T’nuri and Alejandrien here anyways? Since wasn’t it already beyond obvious that they ran into each other by accident?

The Grookey looked at Alejandrien and her injury. She dropped her stick on the floor and knelt at the spot beside the Fuecoco and the Cubone. "Are you okay?"

Wait, is the ‘her’ here supposed to be Emile or T’nuri here? Since it’s ambiguous between the two.

"No," both replied in a groan.

"Sorry I did that," T'nuri apologized once more. She groaned and grasped at her burnt shoulder.

Wait, when did T’nuri get burned again? I could’ve sworn that her injury earlier was from getting whapped by Emile.

Eventually, the Fuecoco got up and nudged T'nuri. "Emile got you back so we're even lass~"

"Don't call me lass." the Cubone growled. "I don't even want to be here."

"Sorry then, laddie."

[ ]


"Only a bit better… I'm not entirely sure."

Wait, T’nuri also has an enby thing going on? I thought that that was Alejandrien’s shtick.

The mentioned Grookey's tail twitched. Her red eyes studied every centri of the three Pokémon around her. She exhaled as her ears folded.

Vamos. Let’s go.

She turned away from the sandy hill Alejandrien and T’nuri collapsed and to the town outskirts behind them.

Some paragraph formatting suggestions, and see the recommendations earlier regarding how to deal with foreign-language content, since this also admittedly feels a bit jarring and repetitive right now.

The town was filled with tons who roamed about. Peacefully unaware. The Ruinous Fog hadn't tainted Iaijutsukage's sand. Not one bit. [ ]

"Yeah," with a laugh T'nuri staggered off the sand and immediately shuddered in place.

IMO, you need a bit more description to refocus the narration and story’s attention back on T’nuri, since this jump feels a bit abrupt.

Alejandrien sighed as she held herself. “I’m glad we don’t have any hard feelings.”

“Hard feelings?” the Cubone mumbled.

The Fuecoco smirked. “Why's that?”

“Because we’ll be working together soon.”

T’nuri:
zootopia-judy.gif


[ ]

“Emile, are they talking ‘bout what I think they are?” the Fuecoco grinned, and a puff of smoke poured out his maw.

"Probably."

"Aw yeah!"

[ ] The Cubone sighed. "

Are you two detectives?"

You should probably spend a bit more time describing the characters’ reactions than you presently do, since I feel like they’re supposed to have some fairly specific body language, but I can’t make heads or tails of it at the moment.

"Ah right, ya have Alejandrien here tagging along. Of course, I'm Kaliente." The Fuecoco squeezed T'nuri's arm.

I kinda wonder if Kaliente and Emile’s introductions should’ve happened a bit earlier on in this encounter, since it admittedly feels a bit weird to me to see this “I’m Kaliente” moment this far in after we as readers know “that’s Kaliente”. If you want to stick to your guns here, I’d suggest adding something about Kaliente that we don’t currently know such as his role / title or something like that.

The Cubone stepped away from Kaliente and put her bone-club in her left claw. "And this must be Emile."

The Grookey nodded.

A gentle breeze full of solemn salt parted through the air.

I can’t tell if Emile is just meant to normally be the quiet and non-conversational type, or if this is an oversight here.

"Like me, these two work for ta Fogcutters Detective Agency," Alejandrien explained as they looked left and right. Wha? Where did-

Reminder to fix your formatting of your characters’ inner thoughts.

"What's wrong, Alejandrien?" T’nuri followed their gaze.

The Jangmo-o swung her tail against the sandy soil. "Speakin' of work, where did Marisa and the others go?"

Kaliente’s emerald green eyes lit up. “You got to sail with those guys?!”

Wait, how does Kaliente know that Alejandrien was talking about sailing? Though I kinda wonder if his eye color should’ve been brought up in the general description earlier while introducing him.

“It wasn’t exactly the best ride,” the Cubone rubbed the back of her head.

[ ] Alejandrien stamped their claws into the dirt.

That ain’t important! I can’t find them-”

Emile sighed. “Perhaps they went to look for Captain Bao?”

It probably would’ve made sense to play up the oohing and ahhing or whatever Kaliente and Emile are meant to do here up a bit.

The Jangmo-o nodded. "Yeah, they needed to repair and upgrade El Nado Rápido."

T'nuri groaned. "I think I'll have what Rápido's having."

I’m not following what T’nuri’s “Rápido” comment is meant to mean there, since it feels a bit weird for her to be talking about having what a ship is having.

"Okay," Alejandrien stepped forward. "Let's go get help from the Apothecary before we head on down to the agency."

"Apothecary?" the Grookey twindled her stick.

"Yeah, I'm sore all over from everything that happened on Kuanalio." T'nuri rubbed her side.

That… was not obvious at all up to this point. Though if T’nuri was genuinely feeling this bad all this time, why was going to the Apothecary not the first thing that everyone tried to do upon arriving at this island?

"Sounds good, we could stock up on some supplies." the Fuecoco adjusted his bag.

"Agreed."

The four Pokémon dusted themselves off and headed into Phantismo Vista proper, as the breeze from earlier grew stronger. The salty spray spread far and wide off the ocean's waves all through the land.

Winds that traveled all across Iaijutsukage Island, and far beyond. Far throughout the Archipelago Continent’s reaches. Just as another plume of Ruinous Fog began to slowly brew, not far from the coast.

laughter-worried.gif


Oh, boy, the Ruinous Fog blowing in on a highly urbanized island. What on earth could possibly go wrong there?

On the coast of Iaijutsukage Island and many other islands, deep into the depths of the sea an obsidian hourglass ticked away.

It counted away the sands of time.

Well, that’s certainly an ominous note there. Though I suppose that’s one way to get the audience nice and tense for where things will go in the future.

Alright, made it to the end. This chapter unfortunately kinda made the same overall impression for me as the first part that I reviewed a couple days ago with a fairly mixed and uneven experience. But before we get into the nitty-gritty of the stuff I didn’t like, let’s focus on the stuff that I did for a bit:

So I gathered that the main point of this chapter was basically getting T’nuri and Alejandrien out into the broader world and shack them up with some new teammates. I thought that by and large, things worked out well on that front. The new island that they arrived on looked pretty fun from what we got to see of it, and both the sailors that Alejandrien teamed up with and Kaliente and Emile feel like they’re fun additions to the cast, even if I suspect we’ll be seeing the latter two a bit more than the former. You also seem to be teeing up things to take a dramatic turn from that ending note, which will be interesting to see how things shake out later.

As for those flaws that rubbed me wrong, the full list is in the line-by-line, so in the interest of being a bit more compact, I’ll focus on the main standouts. Once again, I feel that you should step through your chapter since you have some formatting and wording errors here and there scattered throughout. You also had a repeated issue with lack of description in this chapter, which made it legitimately difficult to follow what was going on at times since ongoing background events would wind up coming after the fact entirely from lines of dialogue from characters. The pacing is a bit iffy in a couple parts of the chapter, since there are a few moments where one or two paragraphs is handling an entire scene’s worth of contents or events, and it made the gloss-over very noticeable. I get that you already divided this chapter up once due to length, but I do wonder if some of those glossed-over moments should’ve been written out more, especially the sequence where the Nado Rápido is getting repaired.

Sorry if the feedback wasn’t quite what you were hoping for, @Kiba Makuro . Though I hope that my advice was helpful for your writings, and I wish you the best of luck with wherever you take this sea yarn of yours going forward.
 

Arukona

A Scribe Penning His Brainworms
Location
Ardalion
Pronouns
He/him
Partners
  1. aggron
  2. sceptile
  3. lucario
Hello, hello! Here I am to review this fic for V-Wheel over at United and get some points for PMDiner's Review Event while I'm at it. I got started on this recently enough, and I’m curious to get deeper into it to see how the story shapes up. That cover dictates we still have two more protagonists to meet, after all.

So let’s dive back in (although I don’t think we’re quite in the stage of underwater exploration on these islands yet) and see what our Cubone and Jangmo-o duo are getting up to…

Chapter 2 (Part 2)
Huh, there was a Part 2 to that chapter I reviewed last time. Guess we’ll pick up the baton there and march on.

Could just be a porting issue, but I’m noticing a lack of italics for what’s presumably meant to be Alejandrien’s thoughts. If so, yeah - TR porting can be a wee bit awkward in that regard. ^^;

An Arboliva character? Sure, I’ll take it. Not too many of those around.

Alejandrien sure is proud of themselves for finding that relic. Here’s hoping the praise doesn’t go to their head.
On the shore sat the ship that carried Alejandrien and the crew to Kuanalio, a brown-orange brigantine, with purple sails, some finishing, green trim, a black hull, an orange rudder, lookout nest and harpoon. Battered and bruised. Pieces of wood from the hull drifted in the ocean. And one of the masts had collapsed from the rough mooring.
Ouch, that ship took a battering. Funny, if I had a nickel for every fic I read this Review Event that involved a ship becoming badly damaged, I’d have two nickels. :copyka: (The other was Fledglings. On that note, given that fic’s water-bound setting of islands, was it a partial inspiration for this fic?)

"Shit!" the Jangmo-o's tail dropped. " El Nadar Rapido. The Swift Swim!"
I feel like Alejandrien’s dialogue could do with another remark along the lines of, “Look at it! It’s ruined…” and some other descriptors of shock, like wide eyes.

“Ah, much better than Alejandrien over here, yapping to all spark about chemicals!”

“Hey!” the Jangmo-o pushed her. “I prefer doing experiments ta readin’ stuffy old textbooks all day!”
Hopefully nothing that resulted in too much damage. Because somehow the thought of Mad Scientist Alejandrien wearing an outfit a bit like this doesn’t feel too farfetched:
AD_4nXfyVn5Kf8WDT3dOjoRSoXnuIMyMthkUg0ysNPpMenq3nMx8cARQDZiF1frSE5rvJyrH5k2dnL8Fxtlz7uOLKIdqN-hRLSEeicXTqJOF10rnKdVidVMOxNo9bUC1_p8cNrseRydaJA
Marisa clapped her paws. “Glad you’re not just a nerdy book-Orthworm eh?”
Hmmm, I’m not really feeling this Pokémonised idiom here. ‘Bookworm’ on its own doesn’t feel out of place to use here, whereas admittedly ‘book-Orthworm’ comes off as slightly clunky and trying too hard to make an in-world equivalent. I’d advise in instances like this to use what flows best with the text.
"Now Alejandrien, tell us what you've seen." Frederico tightened his scarf.
I feel the ending line could be put after, “Now, Alejandrien,” to flow a bit better.

This talk of categories make me wonder if it’s open ended. I do fear what a Category 9 event might look like.
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And off they go on the boat. I must say, for a damaged ship, the occasion to set sail does feel rather grand in spite of the state it’s in. :quag:

I like the breather scene where T’nuri and Alejandrien chat to each other about their respective work. After the chaotic scenes involving the Black Ruinous Fog and the fires, it’s nice to have a calmer scene like this. That said, I feel there could be a scene transition to denote leaving Kuanalio and being on the high seas, the latter of which I imagine this conversation is taking place in.
“You grass-types sure are welcoming,” T'nuri said with a cough.

Alejandrien wheezed in a ragged breath. “Not all of ‘em can make all these scents and hug so tight.”
Yeah, certainly not all of them do. For instance, a Dhelmise probably wouldn’t do that. (Gonna hedge my bets that the water setting of this fic will almost certainly mean we’ll come across one of these at some point.)

When T’nuri grumbles about Alejandrien talking about them as ‘we’ and mentioning her own needs, there are times where it’s a little tricky to tell who’s talking. Interspersing some of this back-and-forth with body language and dialogue tags would be a good way to alleviate this.

Another slight gripe about the lack of line breaks when the group arrives in Phantismo Vista; it’s all the one scene with no transitions in between, and it all feels like it happens very quickly. A few line breaks would help give a sense of the passage of time, as well as things like time of day. Is it still high noon, or is the evening beginning to set in by the time they arrive at Iaijutsukage Island? Similarly, would T’nuri and Alejandrien not be exhausted after their ordeal on Kuanalio with the fires? I’d think if they used the time on the ship to get some rest after all that, then that would also facilitate the passage of time better.

And I’m also a little confused - almost as much as T’nuri was in-text - by when Marisa, Adi and Frederico unceremoniously depart without much fanfare, and Alejandrien barely seems to notice. Are they not companions? I’d think a goodbye wave from our resident Jangmo-o would be the least to expect in this instance.

Phantismo Vista is quite visually appealing from those descriptions with all the colourful buildings. Nice seaside town vibes, alright. :quag:

I have slight fault with how the next event occurs with the collapse of loosened sand that happens right after Emile and Kaliente show up. I feel like it’s a bit too sudden, with the buildup not being spaced apart when T’nuri detects a pull within the ground. There’s no feeling of panic from either Alejandrien and T’nuri when the Cubone feels the pull and realises the ground’s about to crumble beneath them. I have to confess, I was a wee bit confused with this scene too.
“Un momento One moment..." Emile, the Grookey narrowed her eyes.
I think there should only be one of these here - the ‘Un memento’ feels like it would fit better. Perhaps you could do what’s done in Fledglings and Once a Thief, where hovertext is placed whenever there’s a word in a foreign tongue to denote its meaning. Fobbie’s an expert in that stuff; he might’ve possibly pointed it out already in his own reviews of this fic.

Is that a mild flirt that Kaliente gave to T’nuri? And as expected, T’nuri’s not having it one bit. :mewlulz:
The Jangmo-o swung her tail against the sandy soil. "Speakin' of work, where did Marisa and the others go?"
Oh, so you only notice now? Getting the feeling our resident Jangmo-o might be a little absentminded.
On the coast of Iaijutsukage Island and many other islands, deep into the depths of the sea an obsidian hourglass ticked away.

It counted away the sands of time.
Well, that’s totally not ominous at all.
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So our group’s on something of a time limit…But when the hourglass finishes its cycle, what happens then? Does the planet paralyse? An answer we’ll probably learn about at some point in the future.

Chapter 3, Part 1
There’s a strange oddity about Chapter 2, Part 2 being later on in the fic while Chapter 3, Part 1 is here in the TR port. The index function still works in terms of guiding to the next chapter, but I was a bit bamboozled for a minute there. :sevidazed:

I’m liking Kaliente so far, being a laid-back sort who doesn’t take things too seriously - quite a contrast to the withdrawn T’nuri. Not quite sure he dethrones Alejandrien as my favourite of the bunch, but I like him. Also a Fuecoco character - not too often we see those around, even if it is a Gen 9 ‘mon and thus still rather new as a character to include in fics.
Kaliente grinned. “That's good. Because of your commitment, I shall give you my most eloquent show yet!”
Wow, he really is pining for T’nuri here, isn’t he? At the very least, he’s certainly one for the dramatics from this latest line.
“¡Oh buenos tardes good day!” the Seismitoad called before he turned to the side.
Another point where putting in the hovertext would come in handy. And ditto later on when the Simisear calls them chicos.

Do Simisear and Seismitoad not have names? I guess not all folks have names in this world like our four protagonists do.

Dang, Simisear’s perceptive if she can determine the exact nature of injuries like that. :eyes: Is that some kind of unnatural power, or is that from years of experience as a medic?

Is there something up with the Island Guild that has Emile all panicked? Fear of punishment from getting into a scrap, perhaps?

Some shady apothecaries in this town, that’s for sure.

Hector, huh? Does he wield a giant axe, say, “Oh ho!” every time he’s prompted, and has an annoyingly difficult hard mode named after him? :copyka:

Emile sure has interesting ways of calculating values. More to the point, I’m surprised that Grimy Food has any value at all. Maybe Poison-types like Muk and Grimer would take to it?
“Try to stay safe out there.” Seismitoad moved the benches and chairs under the tables.“The weather's been a little wacky recently. Expect rough sailing conditions.”
Taking from the natural disaster angle of Rescue Team, I see. Rough seas would certainly be a thing in a world rife with them. Though things aren’t too disaster-laden yet, by the looks of it. Maybe as the hourglass counts down, things begin to get a bit starker?

So Emile and Kaliente are battlehearts. I do wonder if they’ll be impressed at T’nuri and Alejandrien’s power or if they have a similar ability themselves.
On the large stone and wooden gates, there were a multitude of eye slots, there were six in total, one along a different distance that led up to one hundred eighty centimeters.
I don’t think there was a need to highlight how long along the walls the eye slots were. I think it might’ve been better to simply say these slots were some distance apart along the wall. Exact measurements like this in prose, unless pointed out by a character who’s really knowledgeable about this sort of thing.
“These hallways, and corridors seem to have been expanded a few years ago. The Cubone ran a claw under her chin. “Seems like five to eight years ago.”
Interesting analysis from T’nuri there about the Guild’s expansion in the five to eight years prior - which I find a bit odd coming from someone who’s completely new to this place. I would think this line would be better if Alejandrien, Emile or Kaliente had said that the Guild was expanded, since they have experience with the Guild and know what’s going on.
Really now? T'nuri winced as the floor creaked and groaned with a roaring thud. This flooring is so shoddy.
Not sure I’d describe creaking floorboards as with a ‘roaring thud’. Creaking floorboards tend to be a lingering sound, but a thud sounds a bit too sudden a move in this instance, I feel.

A Ceruledge and a Kingambit? Really dipping into the Gen 9 ‘mon warchest with this fic, aren’t we? (I have no objections, keep doing it.)

Oh, so this Hector doesn’t seem to be a cheerful fellow like FE7!Hector. What a pity. :sadbees:
“They called it the Scarviolet Map, an ancient relic from eons ago lost to the sands of time.”
Ah, so is this why there’s a lot of Gen 9 ‘mons in this fic? Would this be the ruins of Paldea after it was destroyed in a great flood or something like that?

And now for the recounting of events on Kuanalio.
T'nuri ran a claw along her bandages. “It wasn’t. I just want to go home, please don't make this too difficult.”
I’d rearrange the sentence to be something like this so as to capture T’nuri’s anxiety and reluctance a bit better:
“It wasn’t. I just want to go home..." T'nuri scratched at her bandages. "Please don't make this too difficult.”
So others in this Detectives’ Guild have a similar power to both Alejandrien and T’nuri? I admit I’m more than a little curious to see how others like Emile and Kaliente execute their fogcutting powers.
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I have to agree with T’nuri here; that reasoning for Hector and Esperanza not leaving Iaijutsukage to investigate the fog is more than a little suspicious. Aren’t Guildmasters meant to be the most proactive among their guild? There’s more than a possibility this could be proven wrong, though. Or…maybe there’s more to this, and our resident Lead and Head do have something to hide after all.

And because T’nuri can completely remove the fog, her power’s gonna be instrumental in dealing with the coming crisis. The question is, along with Alejandrien…how does one attain that power? There’s still much we don’t know about it.

Conclusion
I think I’ll leave it there for now. A bit more uncovered this time, and we finally met up with our other two protagonists on the front cover. Already I’m quite a fan of Kaliente, and I like his contrasting dynamic with T’nuri. Looking forward to seeing how the two of them warm up to each other, if T’nuri can put down the grumpiness for five minutes. (If I had a nickel for every disgruntled female Cubone protagonist in a PMD fic with a seabound setting, I’d have two nickels. :loltias:) I also like the island hopping and exploring new places, and the reveal of the hourglass ticking down is quite unnerving and adds a feeling of urgency to the current situation, that time is running out and our protagonists have got to find the cause of this Ruinous Fog before it’s too late. Also the possible implication, if T’nuri’s suspicions are to be believed, that Esperanza and Hector might have something to hide…

I did have a number of faults with these chapters, though, with my chief one being that the chapters aren’t divided enough by scenes which would help to imply a passage of time. As it is, a lot of stuff seems to happen without enough room to breathe and it’s all in the one unbroken scene. That would be better facilitated by putting in some line breaks to help indicate a greater passage of time and distance. I’d imagine that it would take some time to sail from Kuanalio to Iaijutsukage, but I couldn’t find much of a sense of passage of time invoked here. Consider if the sailing took a while and they arrived in Phantismo Vista when the sun was setting - now that would be a sight to behold.

Also some formatting issues that comes with having multiple versions of the one fic. It happens. But I would recommend using hovertext for the Spanish parts just like how Fledglings does it. I know from experience doing it in AO3’s a pain, but with the know-how, it’d spruce this part up a little more.

Regardless, I am curious to see where the fic goes next, and how the quartet of T’nuri, Alejandrien, Emile and Kaliente progress in their adventure to figure out the cause of the Ruinous Fog. I might well get more chances in future to review this fic in V-Wheel and P-Wheel, so fingers crossed I’ll be able to get back to this fic sooner rather than later. In the meantime, I wish you luck with your current writings in later chapters of this fic and for Gears of Mana too. 👍
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. growlithe
  6. quilava-fobbie
  7. sneasel-kate
  8. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, I saw that your story had been sitting dormant on United’s Review Tag for a while, so I figured that I’d swing by and do the honors of giving you a bump for one of your stories. I ultimately decided to come back to Fogcut Voyage since it tickles my personal biases a bit more between its setting and source of very unsubtle shoutouts, so let’s just hop back in and see where things go:

Chapter 3, Part 1

T'nuri, Alejandrien, Emile, and Kaliente walked across the boardwalk of Iaijutsukage Island's Phantismo Vista. It was nearly evening, with how low the sun was on the horizon. It was a rich pink, tinted underneath the blue cloudy sky. Still, there was enough daylight for them to run. A sprinkle of rain dripped from the slightly darkened sky. [ ]

“So where’s this Apothecary?” the Cubone asked, her eyes widened.

You probably want to more explicitly have T’nuri get teed up a bit in terms of reaction or whatever before she speaks again. Also, your soundcloud link was broken at the time of reading, so no nifty custom music for me here.

Raina gentle rain shower, unlike the precursor to Ruinous Fog on Kuanalio Islandpitter pattered along the wood of the boardwalk. T'nuri shook her head.

Where did the time go? Such a hectic day. Day? No, it's been like two days. She thought.

Some odds and ends suggestions for how to tighten up this part here.

Emile, the one who led current leader of the group, rapped her wooden stick on a lamppost with an hourglass statuette on it before she replied. “It's not too far, only about five or so meters from the boardwalk.”

Before them sat an empty stretch of boardwalk, where a hut made of light brown wood and dark grey stone stood above weakened sand and at the corner on an intersection a light brown wood and dark grey stone hut. The hut had light yellow metal atop its roof and a wooden signboard. Further along the boardwalk, led two paths branched off in different directions: one that led toward a residential area full of apartments and small homes, a residential area, and the other with went towards a place with larger more mixed-use buildings, ones that housed small businesses with dwellings on top.

[ ]


Kaliente smirked. “Quick stroll eh?”

“Yeah,” the Grookey ahead replied.

It probably makes sense to emphasize where they’re going here. I assume that it’s the hut, but now that I think about it, it feel strange to bring up the point of interest they actually want to go to before the background scenery that they won’t be headed to.

T'nuri glanced further into Phantismo Vista. [ ] “Do you have other specialty shops in this city too?”

“Does the Fogcutter’s Detective Agency count?” the Fuecoco asked with a wink.

The Cubone shook her head. “No, that’s not a shop.”

I think that it probably makes sense to have T’nuri’s mind go to the apothecary or to shops more generally before she starts talking about specialty shops, since it admittedly feels like a very sudden change in topic at the moment.

“We do technically sell a service, partner,” Alejandrien added.

[ ]


“Service?” the Grookey gasped.

T’nuri hummed. “Aren’t you three not even legit!? You aren't in an Investigation Team yet!”

Kaliente and Alejandrien pressed against her sides. “Hey, we’re legit a specialty business! Well, our agency is!” they said in unison.

The Cubone stifled a laugh as the two let go. “Not that type of specialty!”

Some suggestions for some odds and ends tweaks plus a spot where it might make sense to drop in some additional description showing the characters’ body language and reactions.

“Then like what?” the Jangmo-o tilted their head.

“Stuff like I do. Woodworking. Or crafting, welding, pottery, or maybe even bookbinding, stuff like that.” T'nuri twiddled her bone-club as she followed the others onto another stretch of boardwalk, higher up on the island.

[ ]

“You into that?” Kaliente shot out a short burst of flame.

The wind intensified along with the drizzle. [ ]

“Yes, is that a problem, detective?” The Cubone glared back at his wild expression. Who does he think he is?

It probably makes sense to show off a bit more of what Kaliente and T’nuri’s mood are like, especially since I take it that they’re meant to be changing to become more agitated, but it’s not really depicted in a whole lot of detail.

“It's just a fascinating question, is all,” the Fuecoco laughed. “Didn't expect it, laddie!”

[ ]

“What's that supposed to mean?!”

Careful, Kaliente. From my experience, needling feisty Cubone like this has a tendency to end in painful conks. :copyka:

“Don't get all worked up T'nuri.” Alejandrien stepped in between them.

[ ] The Cubone looked away.

Sorry, I'm just stressed out.” What’s wrong with me?

You probably want to take a bit more time showing T’nuri’s mood transition a bit, since I didn’t realize that she was meant to have cooled down a bit when she looked away there.

[ ]

“But you don't have to take it out on us, we're grappling with this together.”

[ ]


“I'll try to calm my nerves.”

Wait, who is even saying that first line there? Since it’s unclear if it’s Alejandrien or one of the other two.

Kaliente grinned. “That's good. Because of your commitment, I shall give you my most eloquent show yet!”

[ ]

Why is he speaking fancy all of a sudden? “What?” T’nuri asked.

Another spot where it probably make sense to take some time to describe a mood shift, in this case, T’nuri’s [fangbrowraise] vibe that she’s got going on

“We're here.” Emile stopped dead in her tracks, and the Pokémon behind shuffled around her. Much as she’d mentioned, the grey hut of the Apothecary was before them. Sunlight bounced off the yellow metallic roof, as the Grookey knocked on the door and opened it.

The Apothecary's interior was a modest four-room establishment, made of seashell-packed stone with a glossy wooden finish. Inside, a Seismitoad sat beside a black cauldron and table.

I’m surprised that she knocked for a private business. You’d think that there’d be a bell over the door or something like that to tip off the proprietor that customers were coming in.

Emile, Kaliente, Alejandrien, and T’nuri stepped inside and shut the door.

“¡Oh buenos tardes good day!” the Seismitoad called before he turned to the side.

I still feel that the whole “repeating a foreign language phrase with its English equivalent” thing is kinda a clunky way of handling things. I’d suggest either hovertexting in the meaning over the term (for reference, that’d more accurately be “good afternoon” or “good evening” depending on the time of day it’s used), or else providing context hints as to what the Spanish phrase means.

“Greetings,” Emile said as she lowered to a crouch in front of the shelves of medical books and berry guides.

“Good day, we'll require some treatment and some ripe berries if ya don't mind,” Kaliente spoke as a puff of smoke left his jaws.

We've got some customers for you to test!” The Seismitoad's voice boomed toward the next room.

Just mentally noting that Emile and Kaliente aren’t close enough to this shopkeep to know his name.

T’nuri: “... Wait, to test? I dunno if I want that medicine…”
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Another door further in the hut creaked open and a Simisear quickly shuffled out, a large medicine satchel in tow.

Ah.” She held out a hand when T'nuri opened her mouth. “Don't have ta say a word, I've got you chicos kids.”

For reference, I feel that something along the lines of “[...] no se preocupen, chicos. I’ll get you feeling better in a jiffy.” would’ve both sounded more natural and been a bit more obvious for its meaning even without added hovertext.

[ ]

“You can just tell?” Alejandrien asked as Simisear pulled out a few items.

Another spot where it probably makes sense to add some character reaction to how things are playing out.

Rawst Berries, Lum Berries, Oran Berries, gauze, a jar of white cream, and a small mortar and pestle. All set out on the table in front of Seismitoad.

He pried each type of berry into pieces and procured a set of bowls. Seismitoad used the pestle to grind the pieces into a fine paste before he scooped in some of the white creams. He then placed a bunch of Oran and Sitrus Berries in a container and slid it toward the four young Pokémon.

“Freshly made?” Kaliente asked as he placed the container in his bag.

Simisear nodded as she stared intently at the Jangmo-o and the Cubone. “Yep, for each of you.”

Wait, wait, wait. Just what sort of medicine was that anyways?

“Fascinating how they know the extent of our injuries, right, Emile?” the Fuecoco nudged the Grookey out of her daze.

Emile got off the floor and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Simisear knows what a burn looks like on all Pokémon, even ones that resist it,” Seismitoad explained before he smirked. “She's burnt me plenty of times!”

I… didn’t realize that Emile was burned at the moment. You probably would’ve found it worth mentioning in description at some point earlier on.

Simisear's ears lowered. “Hey, it was only a couple!”

The Jangmo-o Alejandrien shook their head. “[ ] But we dealt with something… Somethin’ unordinary on our trips.”

Alejandrien’s topic of conversation feels like it’s missing something as a bridge to this back and forth banter about causing burns.

“From the looks of it, natural fire?”

“Possibly.” T'nuri gritted her teeth as Simisear rubbed the finished ointment on her various burns. Shit, that sparking hurts! The Cubone's bone-club shook as Simisear applied a bandage to her shoulder, her arm, and her side.

… Okay, not that it doesn’t make sense that T’nuri got burned from getting roasted by that fire in the Black Fog, but how on earth has this not been played up significantly more to this point? Since you’d think that those burns wouldn’t have exactly been ignorable the entire time on the ship Alejandrien hired.

Seismitoad beckoned for Emile and Kaliente and sat them on a bench. “She's extremely talented.”

He then rubbed the berry juices onto two pieces of cloth inside one of the mortars and pressed the pestle onto it. Seismitoad placed each cloth on the Fuecoco and the Grookey's shoulders.

Simisear chuckled as she palmed in the mixture on the Jangmo-o. “Seismitoad doesn't talk about himself much but don't y'all feel it?”

inb4 that ointment burns like crazy when it’s topically applied. Though I kinda wonder if it’d have made sense to emphasize what injuries the other members of Alejandrien and the gang had in description earlier since I didn’t realize they’d gotten hurt badly enough from their run-in to require medical attention.

Alejandrien's tail and the entire right side of their upper and lower body had a thin layer of char and sore reddened skin. “Feel what?” they strained.

… Okay, how has Alejandrien been functioning all this time since Chapter 2? Since those don’t sound like trivial injuries either, and they kinda blew these injuries off to go sight-seeing back then. ^^;

Also, you seem to have an extended portion of your chapter past this point that has irregular spacing. Take some time to smooth that out for this version of your story.

“Not you, the two beside him,” Simimsear said before she carefully ran the bandage along each of the Jangmo-o’s burnt areas. “They're sore too despite not having any burns.”

“Traveling far across any island's no easy task innit?” Kaliente clenched his eyes shut.

The Grookey's tail curled as she leaned into the cloth. [ ]

“It's good.” the Fuecoco nodded.

Ah yes, this is getting to the part where we talk about how T’nuri and Alejandrien imploded a hill and crashed into them, huh?

“Satisfied speechless eh?” Seismitoad massaged in the remaining juice. “Well don't think we haven't noticed those tension lines!”

“What's that supposed to mean?” Emile raised an eyebrow.

Seismitoad flexed his rather toned arms. “You all sure pack a punch and take blows fer sure!”

[ ]

“Ya two've generally been on quite the rounds of scrappin’.” Kaliente gently ribbed T'nuri.

“Don't touch me!” she pointed her bone-club at him.

Kaliente wasn’t described actually touching T’nuri unless if that ‘ribbed’ (as in teasing) was meant to be ‘rubbed’.

“Relax!” Alejandrien grabbed her arm. “He's hurt too, ya know. We can scuffle and get excited all sorts later. Because believe me, I've got loads ta talk about!”

[ ]

“Sorry, sorry.”

[ ]

Emile sighed. “Continue.”

You probably want to slot in some more character reactions here to set the mood between the different characters, especially if they’re noticeably changing on the fly.

“Anywho, your most recent injuries-” Simisear blushed at T'nuri, Kaliente, and Emile, “were all single blows done by each other.”

[ ]

“Right on the mark with that one.” Alejandrien laughed.

Wait, none of the other characters were surprised at all by that revelation? I definitely wasn’t expecting that one.

Seismitoad chuckled with a flail of his hands. “Play nice or I'll tell the Island Guild eh!”

[ ]

“Anything but that!” the Grookey panicked, her eyes wide.

T'nuri blinked. That got her scared?

[ ]

“Just kidding!” Seismitoad sat back.

Some more spots where it probably makes sense to elaborate on the characters’ reaction, since Emile’s moment of panic is literally carried entirely by a speech tag at the moment.

“Ah, gracias thanks,” Emile sighed. “I couldn't bear the thought of dealing with those sparkers again.”

Okay, so the Spanish-speaking island is apparently just also a little chunk of Aionios, duly noted. Also, for reference, this would’ve been a decent spot to drop in ‘mudders’ in dialogue.

“As the best Apothecaries on this side of Iaijutsukage, we'd never do that to such loyal clients!”

Kaliente smirked. “It's all good and dandy! The other Apothecary on the north side charges too much, trying to nick us blind. And one of the east pries too much into our work!”

[ ]


“Who recommended these Apothecaries anyway?” T’nuri asked and let her shoulders droop.

The Grookey shook her head. “Can’t tell you, I’ve never been.”

Another spot where it probably makes sense to take a bit of time to show how T’nuri’s reacting to all of this, especially if she’s got any inner thoughts or commentaries about the state of these other apothecaries.

“I haven't either,” Alejandrien added. “Maybe it was the Head Detective?”

“Ah yes, you carry their emblem.” Simisear gestured to the purple and green magnifying glass icons on Alejandrien, Kaliente, and Emile's bags. [ ]

T'nuri scoffed. “I don't.”

Once again, I feel like we’re missing something reaction / mood-wise on T’nuri’s end before she speaks up once more, since the jump feels a bit abrupt here.

Seismitoad got up from his seat and stretched before he faced the group again but with a scowl on his face. “Regardless, tell Hector I'm going to grind him into dust if he doesn't pay me again.”

Kaliente jolted away. [ ]

You're joking, right?”

[ ]

“Of course, of course!”

Some more spots where some more description would’ve gone a long way to clearing up the scene a bit. Especially since it’s not obvious who is saying the “Of course” at the end there.

“Right…” The Fuecoco grimaced. “How much do we owe you guys?”

Simisear glanced up from a clipboard spreadsheet. It read MCC poké. "One-thousand two-hundred poke.

Lol. Lmao. These guys are really deep in the hole right now, huh? :copyka:

“Uh so it's, uh fourteen Grimy Food out of fifty-six Cleanse Orbs worth of poké,” Emile rattled as she reached into her bag.

[ ]


“What?” T’nuri tilted her head. “What type of calculation was that? One that uses Grimy Food?”

T’nuri: “I’m sorry, just how broke are you guys anyways?”
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Kaliente: “You don’t want to know…” >_>;

Kaliente pulled out a parcel of coins and sifted through them. “Don't listen to Emile in regards to money, she's much better with the unseen numbers.”

“I thought I did a good enough job.” The Grookey’s tail and ears drooped. Ai pero no sé , ah but I don't know.”

I… don’t really feel that the underlined really follows Emile’s earlier sentiment. Something more along the lines of “Is it really so bad? / ¿Es realmente tan malo?” probably would’ve followed more naturally.

No lo sabes, you don't know. You didn't mate. Don’t beat yourself up about it, mate,” The Fuecoco ruffled her shoulder. He placed the requested amount of coins on the counter.

Unless if Kaliente is meant to be a prim and proper type, you probably want “No lo sabes” there, since “sabe” when used in second-person usage like that is very specifically second-person formal address.

Though left a suggestion for a route you can consider if you opt to let context clues do your work for you tipping off what your Spanish phrases mean.

Simisear swiftly counted the bunches and smiled. “Now, please don't get into any scuffles.” She placed the poké in a small rudimentary register off to the side and locked it. [ ]

“Try to stay safe out there.” Seismitoad moved the benches and chairs under the tables. “The weather's been a little wacky recently. Expect rough sailing conditions.”

I mean, given the outro not last chapter, I think you all are going to have some bigger problems than just sailing conditions in the near future. :copyka:

Alejandrien got off her seat and then went toward the door. “Understood, uh-”

“Ah, we're just Apothecary Seismitoad and Apothecary Simisear. We don't need you knowing much else, eheh." The Seismitoad patted Emile and Kaliente on the shoulder and ushered them toward the opened door.

I… was not expecting them to just run off their species names instead of having proper given ones. That’s definitely different from the other characters that we’ve met in the story thus far.

The two Grookey and Fuecoco stumbled from the force and nearly crashed into the ground. “Bye, I guess?”

Alejandrien and T’nuri followed them but stepped outside. “Thank you!” the two said.

Simisear nodded as she gathered the equipment. “Farewell!”

Wait, what equipment? All those leftover ointments and stuff? If so, you probably want to describe Simisear moving around a bit more and acknowledging those objects’ existence prior to this.

The door to the Apothecary hut slammed shut and left T’nuri, Alejandrien, Kaliente, and Emile outside. [ ]

Suspicious . “Well, I'm glad we went,” the Cubone said with a stretch. “I feel much better.”

“Can't just take a load off yet, laddie.” The Fuecoco smirked as he nudged her.

[ ]

“What?”

A couple spots where it probably makes sense to see more of some combination of T’nuri’s reaction and inner thoughts in the narration.

Kaliente patted his chest as he stepped onto the boardwalk. “Ya've got to prove your skills ta me mate.”

[ ]

“In what?” T’nuri blinked.

“A new challenge, partner,” the Jangmo-o said with a laugh. “You'll be fine.”

Wait, so how effective was all that healing earlier anyways? Like does everyone still have their wounds and aches at the moment, or…?

T’nuri: “Just saying, this had better not be another battle after all the hassle we just went through getting healed.” >_>;

“Ignore him for now.” [ ] The Grookey waved her stick.

T'nuri glanced up and down at her. [ ]

For now?”

[ ] Alejandrien's tail drooped.


“Yeah uh, Emile's into it too.” Alejandrien's tail drooped.

Some reorganization suggestions here, though it wasn’t clear to me what Alejandrien meant by that “it” there. Battling? Or something different?

Emile sighed as the three caught up. “Vamos . Let's go.

Surprised no usage of “Vámonos” (“let’s go (from here) / let’s leave”), since that would actually be decently fitting in this particular context.

<><><>

Iaijutsukage Island had plenty of sights for travelers to see. The Grookey led the Cubone, the Jangmo-o, and the Fuecoco off the boardwalk, into the seashell-lined streets of the mixed-use district. Bright-colored buildings, with pure white roofs, juxtaposed the dark hourglass structures that marked each intersection below and sat atop the street lamps.

Pokémon of all types, and sizes roamed the walkways of Phantismo Vista. A Trapinch and a Crabrawler scuttled out of a shop, a satchel filled with papers tied to the latter's body, filled with papers. On a balcony of an apartment, a Jumpluff, and a Cottenee basked in the rays of the sun and drizzles of the rain. A fiery-Tauros and a fairy-Rapidash trotted through the streets, pulling a small carriage with a load of crates.

Above it all, purple and green flagged streamers blew in the wind, their triangular edges scattering light all the while. Further in the city, off to a corner in the northside, sat an area quite unlike the rest. Its perimeter consisted of a red and clay brick wall, with two wooden posts and lentil-type arches, one purple, and the other green.

This is enough of a jump from your prior paragraph that you honestly should consider dropping in a hard scene cut to separate it off, since we’re in a fairly different time and place from earlier.

Past those walls, the building was a run-down [ ] made of light grey stone, akin to a seaside fortress. Battlements, and ramparts barely visible before it blended into the next section of the structure above it. One that stopped T'nuri in her tracks.

A wooden building, one of two stories, the lower story was made of dark brown wood, while the upper story was made out of a lighter brown wood, with a large gently curved roof.

The entirety of this edifice sat right atop the seaside fortress.

I think that you’re missing a word in your first paragraph, but oh. I see that there’s a Japanese-style castle here. Or at least I’m pretty sure that’s what the gang is seeing right now.

On the ground, beside a large assortment of shrubs, bushes, and small, sapling palm trees, there were sat flowerbeds. Flowerbeds with light purple lobelioids, pink, yellow, white, red hibiscus, and reddish pink plumerias.

An enormous sealed gate stood high above the Cubone, Jangmo-o, Grookey, and Fuecoco, its massive frame darkened the entire area.

“Here it is.” Alejandrien wagged their tail.

Wait, wait, wait. This is the Detective Agency?
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The Fogcutter’s Detective Agency!” Kaliente and Emile said in unison.

Well, that was a fast confirmation. Though not a bad composition you’ve got there, even if it’s definitely a bit faster-paced than I was expecting.

On the large stone and wooden gates, there were a multitude of six eye slots, there were six in total, each one set along a different distance that led up to one hundred eighty centimeters. [ ], a sensor plate was wedged into the ground. Emile stepped onto it and all of the eye slots opened up. Then a bell chimed. A woodblock slowly beat as there was a mechanical whirring noise.

I feel like you’re missing something to attach to that “sensor plate” fragment, since it feels a bit jarring in placement on its own. Though steampunk aesthetics? Since I smell steampunk aesthetics with that “mechanical whirring noise” there.

“Emile Grookey, Clearance Two Detective,” Emile stated in a slow and clear voice.

Oh, so this is a “species last name” setting. Duly noted.

The bell chimed twice this time, and then the gates slowly opened.

[ ]

Woah, fancy! “I guess we’re going in too?” T’nuri asked, her brown eyes wide.

You probably want to take a bit more time to show off more of T’nuri’s awed reaction here. Especially if whatever this setup was just used is genuinely rare in this world or something.

The Fuecoco and Grookey stepped inside afterward and beckoned for her and Alejandrien to follow.

Before the four Pokémon was a wooden palace. A multitude of wooden hallways, rooms, and flooring. The stalwart walls brought the Cubone closer. In various sections, paper windows sat beside sliding doors. She placed a claw into the lowest handle right at her level and pulled. Locks and even solid heavier wood barred entry.

T'nuri gasped. “This place is huge!”

Waaaait, are they inside or outside the palace right now? Since I’m getting some conflicting vibes from the first two sentences. (Also, the second sentence feels disconnected from the first in construction.)

“We'll head straight to the Lead and Head Detectives office. It's toward the center of the agency, it's and elevated enough to have its window,Emile explained.

Emile The Grookey held her stick and right arm behind her back and marched forward, her ruby eyes trained ahead.

Some small tweaks that I’d like to suggest here.

[ ]

“These hallways, and corridors seem to have been expanded a few years ago. The Cubone ran a claw under her chin. “Seems like five to eight years ago.”

“Yeah about so.” Kaliente blew a puff of mist. “You'll be able to see why soon.”

Really now? T'nuri winced as the floor creaked and groaned with a roaring thud. This flooring is so shoddy.

You should show more of the process of T’nuri sizing up the woodwork and figuring out that A: it sucks, B: it’s recent from the things that she specifically notices, since as it stands, this is coming a bit out of left field at the moment.

The four turned down one last walkway, and there sat a towering door frame, an elaborately decorated set of wooden sliding wooden set of doors.

T'nuri stumbled toward the massive doors and grabbed onto the Jangmo-o beside her.

Another pull. [ ]

“Alejandrien, do you feel it too?” she whispered.

You should describe a bit more of T’nuri getting tense here as this “pull” she’s feeling happens again and again.

The Jangmo-o nodded before she also whispered. “Yeah, but don't say anything, I'm not sure about this yet. [ ]

“Try not to get too frightened by the Head and Lead Detectives, okay?” the Grookey asked.

“Okay,” The Cubone and Jangmo-o replied together, their eyes low.

You probably want a bit more description of how Emile and Kaliente are blissfully unaware right about now even while T’nuri and Alejandrien are getting increasingly tense.

"These two are in charge of everything, so we'll join you," Kaliente explained, as Emile opened the wooden sliding door.

Three large hollow wooden desks sat at the front of the room. In the rear, there was an elegant window, beside it with a wide oil painting of the teal ocean and a silver lighthouse sitting just beside it. All along the walls, there were the a multitude of dull-colored books—likely from a sizable library collection. In the center of the room, two large Pokémon sat there were the Pokémon T’nuri assumed were the Head and Lead Detectives: a Ceruledge and a Kingambit.

Some suggested phrasing tweaks for this section here.

The Ceruledge's heat brushed the corner of the room she was in in a lilac hue, and the flowing crest on the back of her head slowly flickered higher and higher. Her massive swords gleamed in shades of cerulean and blue-purple as warmth radiated off of them.

Above that, the massive head blade and body of the Kingambit towered above the desks. A clear reason for the raised ceiling and widened doorways, even though he managed to shrink his blades with concentrated effort.

Each Pokémon had a scroll in front of them and a notebook beside them. The sources of another pull, one strong enough that T'nuri shivered to the spines of her back scales.

Wait, the Pokémon, or the books with them? It’s a bit unclear from the phrasing at the moment.

[ ] T'nuri bowed slightly at the Kingambit and Ceruledge. "Uh, good evening.”

You probably want more acknowledgement of T’nuri’s thought process as she’s hurriedly trying to get things together to pay her respects in spite of her misgivings or something like that.

“Evening, detectives!” Alejandrien waltzed up beside her. “Could you introduce yourselves to this Cubone here? She's something like a new partner to me.”

[ ]

"My name's Esperanza, the Exploradora Scout, Lead Detective of the Fogcutters Detective Agency." The Ceruledge placed her arms behind her back.

images


‘Exploradora’ is also renderable as “(female) Explorer”, e.x. how “Dora the Explorer” is titled “Dora, la exploradora” in Spanish-language markets.

The Kingambit glanced down at T'nuri with a scowl. "And I am Hector, the Cuchillo Knife, Head Detective of the Fogcutters Detective Agency. State your business!"

… I’m now wondering why Esperanza and Hector aren’t also rendering their epithets with definite articles. Since you’d think that “Esperanza, La Explorada” and “Hector, El Cuchillo” would both roll off the tongue a bit better.

The Cubone gulped. [ ]

Well, I am T'nuri Cubone of Pa'a Lepo, once called Damehameda, a woodworker.”

Another spot where it probably make sense to see a bit more of what’s going on in T’nuri’s head right about now.

[ ]

“And why are you before us this gracious evening?” The Ceruledge questioned before she let out a puff of purple steam.

[ ] T'nuri trembled before she replied.

I'd like to go home to Pa'a Lepo. I was forced- er called here to discuss the mystery of what's going on with me.”

[ ]

“What's going on with you?”

Some more spots where it probably makes sense to show off the characters’ reactions and inner thought processes a bit more, especially since T’nuri’s “I wanna go home” vibes are cropping up really suddenly right about now.

“Yes, when I woke up on that island.”

The Kingambit ran a claw over his stache blade. [ ]

Pa'a Lepo huh? You and Alejandrien were both on Ohon’ro? Or I suppose you’d call it rather Kuanalio Island?”

“Yes.” Alejandrien nodded.

Alejandrien: “Er… is there a problem with that?” .-.

“Why were you there again?” T’nuri tilted her head.

Wait, who is T’nuri directing this question to?

Lead Esperanza hummed. “We sent Alejandrien to investigate it, among other tasks,” Lead Esperanza hummed, turning to Alejandrien. “Please explain your findings, Alejandrien.”

The Jangmo-o nodded. “There was a fog, we also found this ancient relic.”

Head Hector sat upright before he spoke. “Can you report on the severity of the Ruinous Fog on Kuanalio?”

I feel that it probably would’ve been more convincing for Alejandrien to just say something like “the Ruinous fog was there” since unless this is a very particular continent in terms of weather patterns “there was a fog” would literally cover every single sea fog out there.

[ ]

“I trust you also have the requested materials?” the Ceruledge asked and gestured to the cart beside her on the floor.

Alejandrien should at least be mentioned in passing giving a report about the Ruinous Fog even if you don’t explicitly write all of it out, since as it stands, it feels like they’re ignoring Hector.

[ ]

That's quite the demand. T'nuri glanced at the Jangmo-o beside her. ‘It's Detective work partner.’ they'd say.

Alejandrien removed her saddlebag once she sat down on the floor. She opened the main hatch and pulled out the violet, scarlet, and black tube. And also the scraps of the journal. “Can we not open the lil piece? I'd like it dated.”

T’nuri: “Wait, wait, wait. That’s what those two requested? What’s so special about it?” .-.

“I'll take this for dating as requested. Now to the map! Something Ichigo asked for!” Lead Esperanza carefully placed the tiny piece of paper in a clear container and inspected the map tube's circumference. “They called it the Scarviolet Map, an ancient relic from eons ago lost to the sands of time.”

Just filing that name away for later. Though ‘Scarviolet Map’ huh? Between that and some of your story tags, I can already tell that Paradox Pokémon are going to be important later on.

[ ]

Emile smiled. “Good job.”

“Ooh, you managed to find it!” Kaliente lit up for a few seconds, his yellow crest aflame.

“Thanks y'all.” The Jangmo-o opened the side pouches and retrieved the collection of tiny jars, packed with samples in each.

It probably makes sense to make a bigger deal of Emile and Kaliente reacting to the discovery that Alejandrien found the Scarviolet Map, since T’nuri is literally the only one in the room who has no idea what that is or why it matters, and she’d presumably have some thoughts about that.

Head Hector picked up each and brought them close to his face, his piercing yellow eyes laser-focused on the contents. “So we have sand, rocks, seawater, grasses, mist, and... Ruinous Fog? Excellent!”

The Kingambit placed the jars on the bottom shelf of the cart and The Kingambit stood up on two legs, before he carefully wheeling the cart behind one of the desks and gently arranged the jars on it. He returned to his seat on the ground with a mighty thud, as the wooden floorboards creaked loudly in protest.

Lead Esperanza cleared her throat. “So T'nuri, [ ] where did you start woodworking?”

[ ]

Why focus on me? T'nuri gulped before she answered. “Back home.”

I feel that Esperanza’s line needs a bit more of a transition before she brings up the “where did you start woodworking” since that’s quite the topic jump. Like if nothing else, drop in something like “you mentioned earlier that you were a woodworker” or something like that.

“Yes but where?”

“From my parents' Mystery Dungeon supply shop at home.”

Head Hector leaned forward before he spoke. “And now?”

“I worked at Hau Beach in eastern Pa'a Lepo, at an Adventuring Company.”

[ ]

“You specialize in...?”

“Furniture, and doors.”

I feel like there should be a bit more description here, even if I was drawing blanks on definite spots to put in in-narration thoughts for T’nuri since there’s a few different options depending upon the dynamic and vibes that you want.

The Kingambit adjusted his crossed legs with a sigh. “Thank you, now back to Kuanalio. How did you two get off the island?”

[ ]

“We had to get through the fog, a Mystery Dungeon, and fix the ship,” the Cubone responded.

“Can we get more details on the whole situation? You made it sound easy.” Lead Esperanza chuckled.

T'nuri ran a claw along her bandages. [ ]

It wasn’t. I just want to go home, please don't make this too difficult.”

Wait, does it make sense to talk about “too difficult” or dragging things out? Since thus far, all of these questions fielded to T’nuri don’t feel particularly hard to answer, there’s just a lot of them and it’s taking a while.

The Jangmo-o beside her sighed. “We cut through the fog, and had a run-in with two pirates.”

[ ]

“Was there Ruinous Fog when you first arrived on Kuanalio?” Head Hector tapped on his metallic shoulders.

“No,” the Cubone answered. “There was an oddly sharp rain, it came off a dark grey mist.”

Alejandrien raised a claw. “The rain was still there when the fog was present on the island.”

[ ]

“So earlier you said ‘we cut it’,” the Ceruledge spoke up. “Does that mean both of you did that?”

A couple more spots where it probably makes sense to show off character reactions. Especially from the Head and Lead Detectives whose reactions meta-wise are your main avenues for highlighting the parts of this account that are important or strange.

… Also, are Emile and Kaliente still in the room right now? If so, how are they reacting to all of this?

“Yes.” T'nuri gestured with her claws. “When we both worked together we were able to cut through it and it was completely eliminated from a small area.”

[ ]

“So when you did it by yourself, nothing happened?”

Who is saying the underlined line there?

The Jangmo-o looked down. “Well, when T'nuri saved me from the pirates she actually managed to cut through a little bit, but nothing huge.”

“Oh that's interesting,” Head Hector spoke up. “So the fog appeared but then you were able to get rid of it just like that.”

T'nuri shook her head. “Not initially.”

[ ]


Head Hector crossed his arms. “You didn't know what caused it, maybe you caused it?” the Kingambit hummed.

I feel like it’s more likely that those pirates caused it since they seemed to move around in the Ruinous Fog really smoothly.

[ ]

“What? No, we didn't do it!” Alejandrien cried.

T'nuri held her chest as the Head and Lead Detectives zeroed in on her. [ ]

I didn't do it!”

[ ]

“Are you sure?” The Ceruledge's crest slowly heated up further, and a slick flame warmed the room. “There's no proof that you couldn't have subconsciously created it?”

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Well, maybe it actually does. I suppose there is room for things to work that way, but if so, Esperanza and/or Hector need to explain that that’s even possible since we have no frame of reference for that being possible as readers yet.

“If I created it, why would it have hurt me?”

Head Hector chuckled a bit before he pointed a sharpened hand at T'nuri, his eyes daggers. “Maybe you couldn't control it?”

[ ]

I don't know anything. Why are they asking so many questions? “I didn't.” the Cubone took in a shaky breath.

T’nuri: “This is insane! Look, can I please just go home right no-?”
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Hector:
Creating_Bugs_Bunny%27s_%22No%22.jpg


[ ]

“Well, don't be too alarmed, T'nuri,” Lead Esperanza cleared her throat. “You and Alejandrien are like many others here at the Detective Agency.”

“What does that mean?” T’nuri asked.

“Everyone on an Investigation Team has powers that interact with the Ruinous Fog,” The Ceruledge explained.

Wait, literally everyone? Including those Pokémon from the ship that Alejandrien hired? ^^;

[ ]


“Wait, what?”

[ ]

“[ ] While we don't know much information on the current pockets of the fog in the Archipelago, we do have some first-person testimonies on the past encounters,” the Kingambit explained.

[ ]

“And how is this relevant?” the Cubone spread her arms out.

Some more spots where it feels like you had room to add thought processes, especially from T’nuri, since she’s just been given a lot to think over.

“Well, when you first met each other did you feel a pull?”

“Yes.”

[ ]

“And when you met Emile and Kaliente?”

“Yeah, we did, it wasn't like how Alejandrien and mine were. Oh, and yours.” the Cubone said, her eyes vacant. [ ]

Alejandrien jabbed her with a claw. “T'nuri, ya can't just yap like that!”

Who is saying the underlined lines here? And once again, some room for reactions and inner thoughts, especially after T’nuri has her moment after the big reveal. Like what’s going on in her head when she’s spacing out like that?

With a wince, T'nuri glanced at the other, all had curious expressions. “Oops.”

Is that supposed to be “others”? Or who specifically is T’nuri meant to be looking at?

[ ]

“Ours?” the Ceruledge sharpened her swords. “Well, I suppose we are in charge so we should have one.”

I think you’re missing something here, since this line from Esperanza is so abrupt that it unironically makes me wonder if you accidentally cut content during editing.

“What?” T’nuri tilted her head. “So you aren't just going to leave Iaijutsukage to go stop the fog?”

Head Hector placed his hands on his thighs. “Wouldn't that make the most sense? We can't leave when we don't understand how it this Ruinous Fog works, and not with all the other Investigation Teams out.”

The Cubone narrowed her eyes. [ ]

Suspicious. “Sure.”

Another spot where it probably makes sense to show T’nuri grappling with revelations in her thoughts there. Also, I’m not fully sure if T’nuri’s comment fully follows Hector’s comment.

[ ]

“Regardless, Emile, Kaliente, and many others in our Detective Agency can block the path of ruinous fog however you two can completely remove it.” Lead Esperanza said, her crest brightened.

“This means you are instrumental and completely removing all of it from the Archipelago,” The Kingambit said.

[ ]

“And now that you're here you can join those two and be on an Investigation Team,” The Ceruledge said.

[ ]

“What?” T’nuri gasped. Join them?

Ditto here. Though I suppose that that’s one sign that it’s going to take a while for T’nuri to get back home like she already planned.

Alright, made it to the end. I’ll admit that this chapter was a bit of an uneven experience for me, but there will be time later for me to harp on the issues I spotted, so let’s focus on the stuff that turned out well first. I take it that the main point of this chapter was basically to get T’nuri roped into an Investigation Team and not be totally clueless about what the Ruinous Fog and Fogcutting do. It mostly accomplished its goals, and it felt like we got a better look at the main cast, along with Esperanza and Hector. Those two in particular felt like fun additions to the cast, and it’ll be interesting to see if T’nuri’s suspicion of them winds up going anywhere in the future, or if that’ll just be misplaced paranoia.

For the criticisms that I had for this chapter… er… well, there was quite the laundry list, as the line-by-line likely attested. In the interest of brevity, I’ll focus primarily on the issues that stood out the most to me. To start with, take some time to double-check your links and spacing, since it detracts from the presentation of your chapter a bit. Also consider doing an aloud readthrough of your chapter to make sure all the wording choices and phrasing feel like they “flow” well. It’s small stuff, but even little bits of polish like that go a long way to improving a reading experience.

You also had a number of big details that basically went unmentioned for large chunks of the chapter even when they’d logically affect things. The biggest example is the burns that T’nuri and Alejandrien have, which suddenly make the entire last chapter jarring to read given how much they’re depicted reacting to getting them treated. As has been a bit of a recurring trend with this story’s chapters thus far, but I felt that you needed more description woven into this one, especially for getting into your characters’ heads and showing off more of their moods. Like I kept finding myself getting caught by surprise at how characters’ moods would seemingly abruptly change in the span of a couple lines of dialogue, but actually describing their moods shifting and what’s going on in their heads would smooth things over a lot. I’m also still not feeling the format you’re using for dealing with Spanish words and phrases here since it feels very redundant in presentation. I would strongly suggest either using hovertext annotation or else providing strong context hints as to what the words and phrases mean. Ideally you’d want both from personal experience of how my own dabbling with non-English content has gone in the past.

Hopefully the wall of criticism wasn’t too daunting, though for what it’s worth, even if I felt that it needed a bit more polish, I could see what you were going for in this chapter and I thought that the bones of your idea were solid. Just take some time to polish and flesh things out, and I’m sure that it’ll stick the landing a bit better.

Hope that the feedback was helpful, @Kiba Makuro , and best of luck with your future writings.
 
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