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Chapter 8- Heated: Command New

Kiba Makuro

Junior Trainer
Pronouns
He/Him, They/Them
Posted January 29th, 2025
Chapter Summary
T'nuri, Team Kirigiri, and Elder have found themselves in quite the situation on the bladed gravesite mountain as it's time to put their battling and investigation skills together to clear out the Ruinous Fog on Kuanalio for once and for all. No one knows what awaits them, especially since they come across even more. Will they make it out unscathed?​

On the summit of the bladed mountain, far above Aenivland Village, T'nuri, Alejandrien, Kaliente, Emile and Elder Rapidash stood in awe. Decorated swords, lances, and axes were lodged tight into the stone. Bits of rust and dirt caked on them shone as the sun set. The land below them crackled, as a tremor ran amok, jumbling the soil into the fog above. Faint red, and orange speckled vapor encircled the five Pokémon as the twilight sky darkened further.


“Cerooo!” the two vapor-like beings called.

As the earth shook, memories of early this morning rang through T'nuri's skull-helmet.


Words chanted in the sea of white clouds where Pa'a Lepo normally had a teal ocean. Cries from otherworldly voices while the Cubone, and all of Team Kirigiri, fled the troubled waters with Team Zháo.

But still, the voices, ones from within the sea back then did not leave without a parting gift.


Cero Iglesia most high.”

The Cubone's thoughts spun. If that was the case, then what was low?


Another wall of Ruinous Fog emerged, caging Team Kirigiri away from Elder Rapidash. Black, orange and red hues blocked the left, while dark grey ones walled right, neither moving a centri.


But still, they weren't alone.


“Cero!”

That terribly frightening roar ushered in a tidal wave of broiling heated fog. At the center, two forms emerged, pitch blackness with purple droplets cloaking their bodies from top to bottom. Their cries might as well have been a command. Surrender or die. Slowly but surely, the figures lost the mist obfuscating them. From the haze emerged two Pokémon? One small and light blue, the other large and white. The former was quite familiar to the Fogcutters and the Elder. A haunting reminder of the previous tragedy, flickering embers, and dancing fire, all across their body. Whilst the other flooded with corruption, a reminder of the perlious journey.


“Cerooo!” the larger one cried, stamping its hooves on the broken ground, fire whipping in its wake.


Just afterwards, a flood of water soaked the earth, the waves jostling Team Kirigiri as it came up to their bellies. “Ceroo!” the smaller one called back in reply.


“What in Lunala's seas is going on!?” T'nuri screamed, holding her bone-club high above her head, arms trembling.


“Lunala's seas?” Alejandrien asked. “What?”


The Cubone groaned. “Nevermind that now!” Shoot. She thought. I forgot not to mention that! they'll ask about the flooded kingdom nonstop!


“Look alive mates!” Kaliente yelled, barely managing his footing with Emile.


“Tu ayudes? Do you need help?” the Grookey dug her paws into the ground, tiny roots burying into the soil.


“Nah, I'm good.”


Fast fast fast! “Woah!” the Cubone yelped.


The Jangmo-o beside her grabbed her shoulder.“Hang on, partner!”


Emile strained forward, but the broken earth in between kept the two just out of reach. “Stay strong!” she urged.


“I'll try!” T'nuri cried.


Water rushed all around to the wall of Ruinous Fog around them, alongside hotter, larger flames. Like earlier, fire bathed on the left while flooding cooked the right, neatly divided in chaos. After a few moments the onslaught subsided. Unfortunately, T'nuri and Alejandrien fell, doubled over, chins, and upper bodies drenched in the toxic fluid. Great, T'nuri thought. Just what I sparking needed.


“Ooh,” Emile winced, her tail lowering in sympathy.


Kaliente patted down his own scales.“Are ya two okay?”


“A lil, partner,” Alejandrien grunted as they shook off the muck.


“Ugh, yeah, this is worse than the poison, but I'm good,” the Cubone grumbled, before she gagged and spat out a dark liquid. Snuffing awful taste, so awful.


But the Fogcutters couldn't get too comfortable, for a wind picked up behind two figures in the center of the gravesite battleground.


“Ceroo!” the two hidden forms cried.


As quickly as they could, T'nuri and Alejandrien scrambled behind the largest tombstone. Moments later the final layer of mist on their unknown foes cleared.


“What are those mockeries!” Elder Rapidash gasped from behind the wall of fog blocking the gravesite, her eyes wide in terror. “That beast has mine form, but t’was spawned by flames!”


Hidden behind the gravestone, Team Kirigiri caught their breath.

“And what in bloody waters is that!?” Kaliente screamed.


Emile ducked down as she shifted behind him. “Why is it blue?”

“That Wooper’s all watery, like the very sea drowned out all the poison!”


Its horizontal horns would herald a torrential downpour! “It's gonna kill us!” T'nuri cried, trembling behind Alejandrien who sighed.


“Please y’all,” the Jangmo-o stepped in front of their three teammates. “Don't worry about their appearance.”


“Really?” the four other Pokémon asked, Elder Rapidash behind the wall included.


“It's just Pokémon I've seen before from the Sand Continent, A Rapidash and Wooper,” Alejandrien explained.


Partially cloaked in a nimbus of grey and sunset hues, the fiery Rapidash and the watery Wooper stuck out like a sore thumb. And so did their attacks, a thin Flamethrower and a burst of pressurized Water Gun, each cloaked in wisps of fog.


T'nuri glanced back over at Elder. “Those two are Rapidash and Wooper?” All Wooper I've seen in the Archipelago are brown and full of poison.”


“I've never heard of any, on any island throughout the history of our waters,” Kaliente said as he quickly flipped through one of his pocket textbooks. He closed the books and pushed them back into his bag with a groan. “Why do they have bloody fog on them?”


“Elder, and Patrick Ronald are fairy Rapidash, not fire!” Emile yelled. “That can't be right.”


“Grandfather Adawolt did not speak of them, nor did mine ancestors or kin,” Elder added, whipping her tail.

“I can’t imagine why they’d be here easy,” Alejandrien groaned, “Especially made of fog.”


“How is there a water Wooper?” the Grookey questioned.


“No,” Kaliente called. “That doesn't make any sense, aren't they made of poison?”


“Didn’t that Clodsire Apothecary lose one of her Wooper sons in a sailing incident?” Emile questioned, her mouth a snarl. “Poison rain, just like him? How sparking rude!”


“Also we just saw Rapidash right now and there's a-” Kaliente’s words faded as he clenched his claws.“That's a focking twisted joke if I've ever seen one!”


“Elder Rapidash got nearly burnt and this is what we are faced with?”


The Fuecoco spit out smoke before he yelled. “Unbelievable!”


Fierce as the sun, a foggy Flamethrower scorched through a row of gravestones, scarring the tops in a red hue that quickly burnt black.


“They just shot out Ruinous Fog!?” T'nuri yelped as she rolled out of reach of another wave.


“Could y'all not?” Alejandrien shouted toward the watery Wooper and the fiery Rapidash.


Furious, the two shook their heads before they roared. “Cececero!”


“I had to try,” the Jangmo-o lamented. “Sahra Town courtesy and all.”


The two responded to Isla Linga but didn’t reply back in it?“Even though they just tried to kill us?” the Cubone asked.


“Yep!”


“Good effort I suppose!” T'nuri laughed.


“These Pokémon aren't possible! Like a twisted version of what we have in our waters,” Kaliente cried.


Emile hummed.“Twisted like Ruinous Fog, one Rawst, two Lum… Perhaps physical manifestations?”


T'nuri turned her head. Why's she counting berries now?!


“If these two aren't the source of it on Kuanalio Island, then what are they?” Alejandrien pondered aloud.


“Forsaking mine ancestors!” Elder gasped, eyes wide. “Their resting place is sacred!”


“We'll try to keep the tombstones safe, but no promises mate!” the Fuecoco urged.


“That's the main problem!” the Jangmo-o nervously laughed.


“What should we call these two Pokemon?” T'nuri questioned.

The Grookey across from her waved her stick.“Well, they are made of fog, and they produce fog.”

“Fogbeasts?” Alejandrien offered.


“Ya can't just say beast mate!” Kaliente snapped.


“But we can't understand a lick of what they say or want!”


“Still, that's not how we do things in the Archipelago!” Emile growled, her ears flat.


“Yeah, no, just because they attack us and only say ‘cero’ doesn't mean they are beasts,” T'nuri explained, fiddling with her bone-club. “We'd never treat wilderners or any Pokémon like that.”

The Jangmo-o held their head down. “Wha’? My apologies y'all. I'm still learning about yur waters culture, and reconnect with what once was my grandparents home.”


“Is an honest mistake,” the Fuecoco sighed out a tiny flame.


“Thanks, anyway.” Emile also sighed.

With a blushing maw, Alejandrien offered another suggestion.“Let’s call them Fogmakers.”

“Nah, sounds lame.” T’nuri replied.

“That fire that nearly burnt us again is anything but lame!” the Jangmo-o yelled.


“Mine kin needeth aim their wrath at these two, they brought about the calamity!” Elder added.

“Brought, bringing-” Emile repeated.

“Ya have an idea?” Kaliente questioned.

I've got one! “Let’s call them Fogbringers!” T’nuri said, holding her bone-club up.

The Fuecoco smirked. “Fogbringers eh?”


“Nice one T'nuri!” Alejandrien cheered.


T'nuri took a couple steps back as she rubbed her chin.“What should we do about them?”


A blast of flames shot just above her skull-helmet, while a splash of water nearly tagged Kaliente's back.

“Get down!” the Grookey ordered. “They’re firing moves again!”


Eyes wide, Kaliente rubbed his shoulders. “Let's try to block the oncoming wave!”

“You got it!” Emile cracked her knuckles as she readied her stick.

The watery Wooper and fiery Rapidash stopped their attacks for a moment, changing their positions as they stared the four down.

“Ceroro!” the two Fogbringers barked.

“Now!” T’nuri ordered, racing ahead. “Let’s cause a distraction!”

“Come on y’all!” Alejandrien yelled as they followed. The two hopped from side to side, waving their limbs, all the while dodging swaths of flaming fog in their path.


Kaliente hobbled around the ground before he shouted out a Disarming Voice at the fire Rapidash.


Just behind him, Emile threw her Razor Leaves toward the water Wooper. When the fairy and grass attacks combined they did not block anything. Heavy black and red Ruinous Fog whirling around, the Fogbringers simply stumbled forward for a second before they rushed past the Fuecoco and Grookey.

“Like it or not here we go!” T'nuri yelled as she tossed out her Bonemerang.


Right behind her, Alejandrien followed, but turned around quickly. They pivoted on their fore-legs and kicked firm, their Low Kick connecting right on time with the Cubone's yellow, brown blur.


But the combined earth and fighting-type moves weren't enough, the Ruinous Fog of the Fogbringers wasn't cut. With a thunderous crash, the already broken ground splintered like wood, shattering into pieces, tombstone and blade alike destroyed.


The Cubone and Jangmo-o tumbled backward, their bodies pummeling the mountainside with a thud.


“Damn, what gives!?” T'nuri stamped the ground.


Alejandrien snarled as their scales slightly flickered purple and green. “We're protecting Elder and the villagers, aren't we?”


Fours sections along the water Wooper and fire Rapidash's black miasma lit up red and orange, the colors inside briefly flashing, light-brown, teal, orange, and dark-green. The Fogbringers roared before they shot out a plume of ash and foam. In an instant the thin black soot and purple-white bubbles consumed almost the entirety of the gravesite, the wind howling with the wall of fog.


From beyond the boundary Elder thrashed. “Stand firm detectives!” she cried. “I believeth thine efforts to be worthy!”


“What's this!?” Emile gasped, hopping atop a tombstone as the new danger swept through the area. Though she was quick on her paws, the encroaching wave of Ruinous Fog caught the Grookey and her teammates. The ash sapped their energy, while the foam assaulted their strides, bogging the four in stinging goop. “It hurts!” she screamed.


Patches of burn marks slowly dottled Team Kirigiri’s bodies, as their feet stuck to the ground, aching through searing hot bubbles along the ground.

“Fer quaza’s clouds, this's damned awful!” Alejandrien yelped.


Kaliente collapsed onto the ground as the water Wooper and fire Rapidash's attacks overwhelmed him, his body covered head to claw in their filthy mist. “Shite, Miraidon's sparks, what're we gonna do?”


No se. I don't know, I really don’t,” T'nuri coughed as she dropped into an exposed bit of sand. She kicked it and something unexpected happened. It wasn't unfound, as the Cubone had done it the previous day.


T'nuri cleared a bit of the fog.


Some of the mist parted as the sand scattered through it like buckshot.


“W-what was that!?” Alejandrien yelped, scrambling upright with a limp.


The Cubone gasped as she stood up. “Giritina’s wings!?” T'nuri looked back and forth, watching the parting vapors dissolve to the wind. A glimpse of true Fogcutting once again. I did that? Incredible!


“Our moves did work!” the Fuecoco clapped.

“Thanks fer that!” the Jangmo-o called.


“Again!” the Grookey urged, pointing at the water Wooper and fire Rapidash.

Kaliente and Emile dashed through the foam, hobbling past overturned buried weapons and broken tombstones alike toward the Fogbringers. Those same Fogbringers who doused more of the mountain’s surface in toxic gas by the second, their bodies cloaked in dark vapors. The Grookey and Fuecoco weaved through rows of graves, right up to the water Wooper and fire Rapidash.


With fire and fumes choking her every breath, Emile got right up to the watery Wooper. They shrank away just before the Grookey swung her Branch Poke, the stick turning to a sword.


On the other hand, Kaliente did a plain old full body Tackle at the fiery Rapidash in his reach. Grass energy and normal energy smashed into the surrounding fog at the same time. The mists took the brunt of the attacks, and the two were open, being so up close and personal with the Fogbringers.

T’nuri took in a deep breath before she hurried into the cloud of flames and stinging rain. The Cubone ran past the same obstacles the others did, but couldn't dodge the torrents of foam that collided against her. “S-sparks!” Drenched, T'nuri scampered on unsteady claws toward the fiery Rapidash, Bone-Club at the ready.


Right beside her, the Jangmo-o opted for something different. They barreled up to the Cubone and at the same time slammed into the fiery Rapidash, three swipes of their sharp Scales shooting out in the process. But the Fogbringers only shifted slightly as fog rose around them, this time dark slate grey.


T'nuri pulled her bone-club back as she hurried out of reach. “What's that!?” she questioned, eyes wide.



“No good!” the Jangmo-o shouted, just before she hopped away.


None of the Fogcutters reached the cover of the larger tombstones, but that didn't matter. After the energy redistributed along the mists, the fire Rapidash, and water Wooper shot out more Ruinous Fog.

Like a flash of lightning, a cloud of black fog barreled through the area. It swept into each member of Team Kirigiri, the blowback threw Kaliente and Emile into a pool of poison, while Alejandrien crashed against a flaming piece of the mountain.

Shit, shit, shit! T’nuri’s thoughts flew as she careened through the air and crashed into a tombstone.Darkness filled her mind. The Cubone’s eyes shut as exhaustion ran through her body. Blood trickled down from the top of her head as fire ate at her scales. Can we even stop them? T’nuri strained to lift her head but collapsed.The Fuecoco, Grookey, and Jangmo-o didn’t fare any better, Ruinous Fog lapping away at their tired and bruised bodies while the sky grew darker.If I can’t clear this, how can I save Pa’a Lepo? As the Cubone's eyes closed she nearly lost grip of her bone-club.


“Detectives!” Elder Rapidash's shout echoed through the mountainside. “Thine efforts shant be in vain!”


The bone-club rattled in T'nuri's claw. “Huh?” she mumbled.


Beyond the wall, Elder continued.“The Fogbringers hath faltered!”


“They have?” T'nuri's brown eyes shot open.


“Take sight!”


In the cover of the Ruinous Fog the Fogbringers were strewn about, whimpering and sputtering as they recovered. Though they were vapor-like, pain still etched across their features. The two were Pokémon after all.


That wave was a front! The Cubone staggered off the ground, only slightly reinvigorated. “What!?” she yelped, her stubby tail perked.


Along the mists across the watery Wooper and fiery Rapidash four lights flashed. Each hue matched the moves that Team Kirigiri used against them, but something was missing. The colors didn't flash at the same time. But still, the Fogbringers fell to the ground, their attacks dwindling.The Ruinous Fog the two Pokémon had brought out persisted, however.


“Guys!” the Cubone yelled, hurrying over to Alejandrien, Kaliente, and Emile.


The Jangmo-o groaned as she waded through the sludge. “Wha’ is it pardner?”


“Our moves worked this time!” T'nuri grabbed their shoulders and pulled them out the pool of poison rain and foam, meshed with the shattered earth.


“They did?” Emile gasped, rolling over.


Kaliente held onto his knee as he got up, a grimace on his maw. “It ain't over, innit mates?”


Alejandrien shivered. “How'd ya know that part? We've gotta be specific with evidence with this Ruinous Fog.”


“Guessing really, detective,” T'nuri spat. “The lights on the Fogbringers aren't linked.”


“Simmer down now,” Alejandrien growled.


“Sorry. Anyway is it-”


“Because we went first?” the Grookey questioned.


The Jangmo-o hummed.“This water Wooper and fire Rapidash aren't like the Ruinous Fog, where we could block then cut them.”


“Mierda, shit,” Emile grumbled as her ears folded.


The Fuecoco beside her crossed his arms.“Does that mean we can't do damn jack?”


With a shake of their head, Alejandrien leaned toward the two. “Ya and Emile are still Fogcutters too,” they reminded.


“Two Fogcutting blockers,” Emile answered, standing up taller.


Kaliente clapped his claws.“And ya two are Fogcutting through-ers. Eh, it doesn't ring.”


“It doesn't matter.”


T'nuri rubbed her chin for a moment. “Lead Esperanza said that there being this many Fogcutters in an Investigation Team had a purpose, we just had to find it!”


“That's right!” the Grookey brightened, lifting her stick.


“But how're we gonna bloody do anything together?” Kaliente huffed.


Lifting their claw, the Jangmo-o's golden eyes lit up. “Let's try a chained attack or something!”

“What would that be?” the Fuecoco questioned, stretching his claws.

T'nuri pumped her fist before she spoke.“It would be all four of us hitting these mudders at the same time!”


“We need to use the same moves we did before!” Emile realized.


“Ceroro!” the fiery Rapidash neighed, flailing their hooves.


Just below them, the watery Wooper splashed, foam slowly building around them. “Rerecero!”


“The Fogbringers are getting up!” Tnuri yelled.


“I don't know about you, but I can't handle anymore of this snuff!” Kaliente puffed out a plume of steam.


“Our last chance!” the Cubone held her bone-club high as she stared down her adversaries.


The watery Wooper and fiery Rapidash were far ahead, all of the tombs along with dozens upon dozens of forgotten weapons in Team Kirigiri’s path. The earthquake had torn the grey speckled mountain and littered it with juts and dips, all the while twilight edged closer to night.


Time didn’t stand still while Team Kirigiri was trapped in the little wall. Thankfully just outside was a safe haven, as Elder Rapidash had been spared. Not free from imminent danger, if the Fogcutters fell and succumbed to the flames all would be lost.


“Alright!” Emile hurried ahead, hopping from gravestone to gravestone.


“This ends here mate!” Kaliente yelled, patting his chest as he glanced left and right.


The watery Wooper's eyes went wide and the fiery Rapidash's tail whipped wildly, it was plain to see: they've been had.


“You're not invincible!” the Cubone screamed, running head first into the tidal wave of fire and fog. A Flamethrower scorched through the scales on her left side as she rolled to the side past a battleaxe. “How fitting! Like an ax straight true!”


“It's my time ta shine!” Just like before, with Alejandrien just across to the left, Scale Shot after scale shot flying her way, the Cubone knew what to do: showoff.


Quick as a kite, the first Scale Shot darted past the water Wooper and right toward T'nuri.


“Do it now!” Kaliente yelled. At that moment, he was enveloped in bright white light and crashed toward his enemy with another Tackle. The Fuecoco's body hit the water Wooper when Emile’s Branch Poke blade did. At that same time T'nuri hit Alejandrien's Scale Shot with her Bone-Club, straight into the fire Rapidash.

“Cececro?” the Fogbringers cried, cowering just before each move combined.

Scared now, huh fucking mudders?! T’nuri roared, both claws slashing her Bone-Club through the Ruinous Fog of the watery Wooper and fiery Rapidash, her whole skull-helmet pitch-black. The Cubone’s eyes narrowed. “Oh now you want out!? You didn’t have to do this!”


Alejandrien's eyes widened as they fired their last effort.“It's over now!” they urged. “Hold yur Horseas, T'nuri!”


Four more Scale Shots joined T’nuri and there were no more negotiations for the Fogbringers. One last otherworldly call echoed through the night. “CERO!”

In a flash of black, purple, red and green, all of the Ruinous Fog on Kuanalio Island was seized. Orange and dark green, chains of fire and vines first spiraled all across the vapors, pulling all of them tightly, slowly the chains doubled and tripled, more energy collapsing the Ruinous Fog into a spherical shape. It grew in size as it rose into the twilight sky. High above the bladed mountain, even breaching far above the volcano. Finally, the destructive force that nearly claimed life over and over again: the fires and poison rain causing fog, Ruinous Fog was gone.


Just as fast, the fiery Rapidash and the watery Wooper vanished, leaving nothing in their place besides the aftermath of their attacks, a Fogcutter vs Fogbringer battle, the circular wall shattering. Not a puddle or ember remained in their wake.


“Wait, what happened?” the Cubone gasped.


Alejandrien nearly collapsed as she glanced around.“Hmm wha? Where'd their bodies go?”


“Did they not faint?” T’nuri asked.Did they get really hurt? Worse than fainting?


“Is that why they were so scared?” Kaliente offered.


Emile stretched her back with a groan.“That doesn't make any sense.”


The Cubone beside her shivered for a moment.“Nothing about this made any sense, but I don't understand why we can't see them. Then we could lock them up for their crimes against the island.” I hope they didn’t die or something.


Kaliente yawned. “They came from the ground in an odd way, so perhaps they left in an odd fashion.”


The two are probably fine.“Just like Haku and Nupa,” T’nuri realized aloud, her arms dropping. “That Drillbur and that Sandshrew, the odd wilderners who knew about Ruinous Fog before it came in full.”


“I don't know,” Emile hummed as she kicked at a pebble. Her tail curled in the wind as she paced a tight circle. “I can't calculate how they vanished this time, it was over two-hundred kilometers per hour.”


“Ridiculous,” Alejandrien sighed. “I didn't even get any compound samples of their attacks.”


“I’ll record it down, we have ta move on. We can't spend all day on that,” the Fuecoco urged, after stifling another yawn.


T’nuri sighed. “All we know is that it's over.”


The Jangmo-o nodded.“Well we ain’t sure if it's over completely but from the looks of it on this side of the island it's over.”


“Later,” Emile lamented, "Vamos ahora, we go now.”


As they righted each gravestone, dusting off soot, and sod alike, Investigation Team Kirigiri once again caught their breath.


“I wonder why you flashed those colors?” the Grookey questioned, before keeling over.

T’nuri softly whistled. Each day ‘Adrian and I flashed either purple, green, and black. Though their eyes flashed black once, while my skull has been doing it every day. I wonder why?


“That is rather interesting; perhaps it has to do with the control or strength of the Fogcutting power,” the Fuecoco listed.


T'nuri ran a claw across her still black skull-helmet. “Well, you two didn't flash any colors.”


“We didn't?” Kaliente hummed. “That's interestin’, might have been what Head Hector 'twas talkin’ about.”


“What’cha mean pardner?” the Jangmo-o tilted her head.


“Yo se, I think I got it. The Fogcutting powers may affect your mood,” Emile explained, gently placing a broken stone atop a shattered grave.


The Fuecoco nodded. “As when yew mates got agitated, your control of yer Fogcutting powers slipped, thus your body loosened its control over yer mood instead of lettin’ out your Fogcutting.”


“Letting it out?” Alejandrien questioned.


Kaliente wasn't done with his lesson just yet as he continued. “But it's not like ta Fogcutting can harm anythin’ that's not Ruinous Fog,” he stated, then yawned again. “Though to activate, we have ta use a move that can.”


With a grin, Emile tapped her paws together. “I wonder why T'nuri’s skull turned black, and why the both of you had purple and green.”


“Why's T'nuri getting all the attention?” Kaliente laughed, before he stopped in his tracks. “Why's the laddie's skull-helmet still black?”


That's a great question! I have no sparking clue! The Cubone hobbled against a tombstone, back down toward the exit. Her skull slowly faded birch white. “W-well let's get out of here.”


Eyes narrow, the Fuecoco reached out to stop her. “Did'nea think I was-”


“Well done detectives!” Elder cheered, rushing over to the four.


Kaliente crossed his arms with a pout. “Yes, quite well.”


“As well as we promised Elder Rapidash,” Alejandrien said, sauntering over to her side before wheezing a tad.


To say Team Kirigiri was battered and bruised was an understatement, as burn marks and tiny cuts adorned their bodies, dried blood amidst their scars of triumph.


Ears folding, Elder gestured a hoof downhill.“Come rest for a little bit, I shall summon your companions.”


“T-thank yee kindly,” the Jangmo-o replied.


And so Team Kirigiri headed all the way back to Aenivland Village. They plopped down into the Soak-style church while Elder Rapidash fetched some supplies. But it wasn't like everything went smoothly in their absence. A few buildings nearby the side entrance burned to the ground. Not even the effigies of Patrick Ronald were safe, one of them charred to a crisp. The unfortunate circumstances of mainly building with wood, when stone was plenty.


Other buildings, ones made of more seashell and clay alongside wood partially crumbled as embers and ash slowly pulled into the sky. The Ruinous Fog had done as feared: destroyed livelihoods.


Though the fire was gone, the scent of ash and soot was still heavy in the air, thick even as the nightly gales blew around the northern island. Almost tauntingly, the ground was slick with poisonous residue, from the toxic drizzle that came before. None could say how the few other Pokémon of the land faced, warnings heeded or not.


“Team Kirigiri!” a deeper familiar voice echoed out from beyond the doors. The hinges flew open and in hobbled in Luciano. Right beside the Heliolisk was Bao.


Both of the Navigators were worse for wear, covered in little nicks and dusted over in smoke. Thankfully no burns or cuts. “We got every Aenivlander inside Southwest Forest, North Beach Mountain, East Hill, and West Grove Beach to safety!” the Clawitzer reported, floating along the floor.


“So those are the other Mystery Dungeons on Kuanalio,” T'nuri said before she took a bite of mixed Rawst and Oran slices.


“Yawen, Vicenta!” the Heliolisk barked into his scarf badge. Two voices chimed back on the Navigators scarves. Then Luciano continued. “Please! We need you and the crew to collect the Aenivland villagers while we patch up.”


Elder Rapidash followed in after Bao and Luciano, a large basket of berries in her mouth. She held it out and Luciano grabbed the basket, peering inside. Berries, seeds, and a few medical kits sat atop a small brown quilt.Everyone retrieved what they needed and the fairy-Rapidash exited the church.


“So how'd it go?” Alejandrien asked, chomping into an Oran berry.


“Thankfully no fatalities in the fire but many of the villagers sustained some major injuries,” Bao sighed, twitching her antennae.


“That's our Head Navigator for ya, innit!” Kaliente cheered, his emerald green eyes bright.


T'nuri held onto her scarred forearms and sighed. “Thank you Captain Bao, Luciano,” her voice dropped down to a whisper. “We couldn't have done that without you.”


Luciano wrapped a bandage on the Clawitzer's abdomen as his tail waved. “De nada mi amors, no problem my loves, err, if you are okay with me saying that.”


“It's fine,” the Cubone replied.


“Good,” the Heliolisk smiled. “Sorry it's just the Alma Blanca way of life ‘love for fellow mon’.”


“I get you, Hau Beach is ‘don't worry, just follow the waves’.”


Bao leaned back as she picked up a Sitrus berry. “Remember, you want to relax to the fullest,” she reminded.


“Yes?” T'nuri glanced back at her.


“You are still in Clearance Three T’nuri. You should write a report on the Ruinous Fog so you can have it when we land in Iaijutsukage, unless you can remember that tomorrow morning.”


I want to go to Clearance Four, even if I want to go back to my woodshop. “Definitely not,” the Cubone groaned before she got up. “Kaliente, could I borrow one of your notebooks?” The Fuecoco handed one to her and T’nuri flipped to the end, pencil in claw. Now let's see. The two teams rested for a bit as the Aenivlanders returned to their village, shaken, but not defeated. Gently, the doors of the church opened.

“Our saviours areth here?” an unfamiliar voice questioned, before a more familiar one spoke.

“Thine truly solved the calamity that beset mine village, Aenivland, departed on high by mine ancestor Patrick Ronald,” Elder Rapidash’s aged voice rang clear, a few younger Rapidash and Ponyta by her side.


“It was our pleasure.” Alejandrien replied.


“The Fogcutter’s Detective Agency never backs away from a mystery,” Kaliente explained, adjusting his scarf.


Emile stood up right beside him. “No matter how many times it takes to cleave through it all.”


One of the younger fairy Rapidash stepped forward, a scroll in his maw. Luciano reached forward and grabbed it. “We haveth a gratuity statement for thine superiors, oh great benefactors,” the younger Rapidash said, his eyes beaming with pride. “Thine rescued my kin and village.”


“And our island!” one of the Ponyta cheered, trotting around for a moment.


Elder reached up behind the pulpit, and into the cabinet. Row and row of shining black artifacts waiting, the shimmer of their splendor reflecting off the candle light. “Forth thine valiant effort I shall offer an obsidian hourglass.”

“Y-ya will?!” Kaliente gasped and secured it into his bag.

Bao clacked her claws as she chuckled. “I pulled some strings for you kids.”

“Really?!” Emile nearly fell over, her tail wagging.

“Only for thine superiors to analyze young detectives,” Elder clarified. “Navigators do watch over them, lest they forsake mine goodwill.”

“Yes Elder, we’ll keep ‘em in line,” Luciano patted Alejandrien on the head before opening the door. “Vamos aqui, let's go here.”


“Do take care, outwaters,” the younger Rapidash gently neighed.

Elder Rapidash held a hoof over the smaller Pokemon, as she closed her eyes in prayer. “May the holy grains of Koraidon's and Miraidon's sands embrace thee and keep thee.”

“Farewell!” Kaliente called. Emile bowed her head while Alejandrien and T’nuri glanced away for a moment.Team Kirigiri and Team Zháo waved goodbye as they left Aenviland Village of Patrick Donald, Ruinous Fog cleared and obsidian hourglass in tow.


“Let's do a quick search of Kuanalio to assess the damages of the Ruinous Fog,” Bao said, slowly jetting into the air.


“We'll do a perimeter search,” Alejandrien explained.


“Report back by Aenivland Village in an hour, and we'll take you back to the dock.”


Emile nodded. “Understood.”


Heading to the east, Team Kirigiri got closer and closer toward the islet where it all began, the thinning, dead foliage and greater presence of rocks growing closer and closer.


A brisk wind blew off from the ocean's waves far below, fried sea grasses growing once again. The soil in this section of the island, stone and tough grit made up the majority of the ground, only a few mangroves, shrubs, and even fewer palm trees dottled the lonesome island.


This feels kinda familiar. T'nuri pondered, her nose filled with the scent of salty brine and sand, all the while the sky darkened, stars sparkling through the inky blackness, grey wispy clouds below.


“What's that?” Emile pointed her stick at an odd jut in the sand.


Kaliente's head crest perked up.“Buried over there!”


“Is it treasure?!” Alejandrien questioned, dropping their snout to the ground.


Emile's ruby eyes narrowed for a moment. “No, judging by the circumference its-”


“My carving!” T'nuri shouted. Don’t cry. She dug out the soaked orange block, her claws tearing the sand as if it were thin air. I can't believe it!


Glossy wood delicately carved in the shape of an open book. Various shades of brown, orange, yellow, even red made up the sculptured piece, a book ten pages thick, even finer chiseling along the words on the bottom left. ‘T'nuri Cubone of Hau Beach 592.’


C’mon don’t cry. The teary-eyed Cubone held her craft up even higher. “One day I can't wait to make something even bigger, a multi wood complex mockup of a Marowak skull-helmet!”


“A nice goal,” the Fuecoco said.


“Ooh,” Alejandrien said. “A book was the carving you had on you. Can ya name one ya liked tha most?”


“Refutation Killer was the one I was really into back then,” T'nuri chuckled.


“It definitely is yours.” The Grookey grinned.


Kaliente ran a claw along the book carving. “The grit’s rough enough that yew couldn't’ve just done it.”


The Jangmo-o licked their chops.“I can smell the bond of the primer pardner.”


“I told you I was a woodworker,” the Cubone sniffled, holding the piece into the night sky. “This took weeks to carve, especially with all these different types of wood.”


“Ah yeah, I see. All those different colors and grains,” the Fuecoco added, a wide grin on his jaws. “Well done, mate.”


Team Kirigiri spread out around the area collecting some final samples, more tiny scraps of plastic and wood close by, but no sign of La Llovinzna. It didn't help that it was nearly pitch dark.


As she turned toward the distant sea T'nuri's brown eyes wavered. “Yep, the different-” A roaring beast of Pokémon visage lit up in her mind. Teal, black, red, and yellow, something like a Mega Salmance but fiercer. Just like the dream the Cubone had earlier.


“You see something in the waves?” Alejandrien questioned, waving a claw in front of the Cubone's face.


“T-the waves?” T'nuri gasped, nearly stumbling over. The second her eyes glanced at the ocean she really did fall over. “Woah!” Deep within her gut was a strong pull, straight toward the sand at her feet. It's like Fogcutters pull? But where?


Once she got up, staring straight into the foamy depths she recoiled.


A familiar sight entered her mind. An odd one, but one that was in the trenches of her memory, from her dream. A fiery and ghastly Cubone, with teal flames, black scales, and a purple skull, a disgusting mockery of her fate, if she hadn’t clearedthe Ruinous Fog. Or something more, an intuition of sorts. It kinda looked like a Sachalla for a second? T’nuri thought. Lill bro? No that can't be right, he's not a Cubone, he's a Cyndaquil. Or maybe that ‘perfect’ green jerk


But there was no time to dwell on that, T'nuri's team just saw her stumble. “Watch your step laddie,” Kaliente said as he held her shoulder.


We aughta get back ta the Zháo Launcher,” Alejandrien sighed, stretching for a moment. “It's gettin’ late.”


What was that? The Cubone groaned as her mind raced. Why am I seeing those Pokémon? Are they even Pokémon?


Team Kirigiri dusted the area for any signs of life before they headed back toward Aenivland. Burned homes and buildings still awaited them, scarred black by mystical flames, the grasses and fauna beneath sparred miraculously.


Still, ruin had plagued the village, devouring the rich history and isolated livelihoods of the Pokémon of Kuanalio Island in whole. A settlement uninhabitable, stripped of valor.


“Fuck, mon,” T'nuri gasped, watching as Sewaddle, and Archen dug through the burnt remains of one house, only the sturdier chimney upright.

Kaliente held his head down as the group walked toward the southern exit, away from the Soak-style church with the stained glass. “T’is a bloody shame.”


“I'm glad we at least kept the villagers safe.” The Cubone gripped her bone-club tight.


Smoke hung in the brazier and torch lit village streets, as Aenivland prepared for the brisk coming night, home or homeless. Large tents pitched just out of the rubble’s reach, but never out of the path of previous destruction. Anguished sobs were broken by solemn hymns, faith in a new future.


The four remained relatively silent as they headed through the rest of Aenivland, exiting the back gate, which was armed by an Octillery and a Leavanny.


“Snuffing glad they could start the rebuilding effort so quickly,” the Fuecoco sighed.


Emile nodded.“Indeed, by the way, where is the dock?”


“Ya ain't gotta look so hard,” Alejandrien chuckled.


“Huh?”


High atop the mountainside behind Aenivland was a familiar multi-headed Pokémon. The draconic-Exeggutor, Vicenta. Just below her, the massive galleon Zháo Mega Launcher rocked in the pitch-black sea, anchored right on the dock, bathed in the gentle orange hue of the deck lanterns.


“Chicos!” Luciano and Bao rushed over from the Zháo Launcher, and crashed into T'nuri, Alejandrien, Kaliente, and Emile. The Heliolisk and Clawitzer hugged them tight, whispering praises, and affirmations before a tap on their shoulders pried them away.


An Indeedee, their horns curved upwards in the star-lit sky cleared their throat. “I'm glad the past sands of time granted us this moment,” Yawen said as he ran a hoof over his scarf. “I'm glad to see you, Investigation Team Kirigiri.”


“Hola!” an airy voice from above called. Vicenta, who had been sitting on the other side of the galleon, made her way over.


“It's easier to search for any potential Ruinous Fog traces from on board,” Bao explained before she floated back to the rudder of the massive ship.


Of course we're not done. T'nuri sighed.


The Indeedee on shore nodded. “Why don't you four head up?” Yawen offered, his tail low. “Try to take it easy.”


Team Kirigiri headed up the ramp on the port side of the Zháo Launcher and settled : they'd have about a six hour route back to Iaijutsukage, if the winds were generous. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.


A thunderstorm rained in from the night sky, bringing pelting rain and ear-shattering thunder, not to mention terrible gusts of wind, which whipped up the ocean below.


Static of the loudspeaker crackled before Bao gave one startling command. “All mon on deck!”


With a mighty crash, the galleon lurched in the North Celestial Shadow Sea. Frigid water splashed aboard the ship, and tossed the Pokémon toward the starboard side. Breezes straight off the sea battered against the sails, nearly throwing Zháo Launcher off course and into the depths below.


HANG ON!” the Clawitzer yelled, watching as a colossal wave rocketed toward them.


Yawen and Luciano manned the sails, with Bao's swing of the rudder, their combined effort pulling the Zháo Launcher upright just as a flash of lightning brightened the night sky.


“Everyone alright?” Vicenta questioned. The whole time she stood perfectly still in the center of the ship, slowly emanating a Grassy Terrain, the green glow illuminating the entire ship. The thick roots bolted everything onboard to the Zháo Launcher, even after the sky slowly cleared.


Dizzy, T'nuri opened eyes she didn't even realize she had shut. “Team Kirigiri is here!” the Cubone shouted, her three teammates huddled right beside her.


“Clearance Zero is here too!” a Panpour cried, holding up a spool of rope.


“Great, now in this little storm we did bump into something so let's stop and turn on the high beams,” Bao explained, glancing at her Wonder Map. Slowly the anchor dropped into the depths, Yawen and some Clearance Zero mon pushing the chain's rudder.


“Got it!” Luciano headed down to the bow of Zháo Launcher and blasted out a yellow current, and Electric Terrain soon took over the grass, and in turn all the lamps and lanterns aboard lit up even brighter, almost like daybreak.


A large white fragment bobbed in the waves, a piece of something. Not a fragment, but wreckage. Wreckage of a rather large white, light teal, grey and yellow vessel, half of the plastic, wood, and metal pieces adrift in the ocean, half sunken in the bubbling depths. Still partially under the dark wastes were a few upside down lifeboats. Just next to them, luggage, crates, and lifeforms.

Luciano aimed a pair of the beams in a slow line and T’nuri’s heart dropped.It can’t be. “Can you lower the ramp?” she questioned.

“Of course.” The Heliolisk nodded.

Slowly the Cubone made her way to the water’s edge. She placed her claw in the icy depths, just barely grazing the white plastic. “It’s La Llovinzna,” she gasped. “Completely destroyed.”

A few dead bodies floated in the midnight lit waters, some hidden beneath the broken cruise ship, others deep into the charcoal black darkness.

“No normal typhoon could have done this,” Alejandrien said.

T’nuri sank onto the brink of the ramp. “I was onboard just a few days ago!”

Kaliente placed a claw on her shoulder and held her back. “Steady sands laddie.”


“I- I would've been dead!”

Everyone aboard the Zhao Launcher gazed upon the floating pieces and then at one another, confusion heavy in the air. Still sharp, even in the dim light of the moon, Emile pointed into the inky depths. “Look!” she called, and the lights moved over to where her wooden stick pointed. Not exactly where, as it was part of the cruise, but what.

One piece of La Llovizna glittered in the lanterns. A piece of solid steel with three odd markings. Claw marks. Three cuts, massive long claws torn through the metal side of the hull, their impact left jagged streaks in the ship. And not just the hull but numerous pieces of the debris, all scarred in the now evident attack. Not an accident, but an act of violence.

“A Pokemon did this!” the Cubone yelled, slamming her bone-club on the ramp. “Who? Who could have done this!?”

Vicenta shook her leaves from her high-neck view. “A terribly strong Pokemon, like one mentioned in the legends.”

“Or one who gained awful power,” Luciano said, clenching his fists.


The Jangmo-o beside her also placed a claw down, rattling their scales as they snarled. “None with respect for life.”

Lapping waves filled the silence. A sigh rang out as a few supplies shifted around in the Zhao Launcher, eventually Bao floated out toward the water.

“What are you doing?” T’nuri questioned, her eyes wide.

The Clawtizer held a large orange orb in her claw, the bright light spilling over the small area. “This is a tracker, so a crew can pick up the bodies and any remaining mementos.”

Lost in the endless, ever continuing waves were a multitude of In the water lay a pair of Magby, their limbs entangled. Rather they were, as now their arms and legs dangled in the ocean's cold waves. As the Cubone stared further, she cried. A soft, heartbreaking sob as her tough facade crumbled.


“T'nuri?” the Jangmo-o beside her asked, pulling her higher up the ramp.


“I had begged Sachalla, my younger Cyndaquil brother, to come with me, but he had a request ,” T'nuri paused, shuddering. “It could have been him, dead in those damn waters.”


Kaliente and Emile stood behind her, misty eyed in the swaying current, another run-in with destruction, this time death fresh in their minds.


“I'm sorry. La Llovinzna didn't face a regular attack,” Yawen added, his eyes narrow. “We must report this immediately. Further investigation by professionals is required, with forensics and autopsies of all these poor souls. Grains grant them rest.”


With a trembling breath, the Cubone wiped away her tears. “I'll fight even harder.”


Bao gestured with her huge claw and everyone settled back aboard. “T'nuri?” she questioned, slowly jetting back to her rudder. “You will?”

Alejandrien sighed as they raised a claw.“Awful as this may be connected to ya but it ain’t in our jurisdiction.”

“I have a feeling we could run into whoever did this,” Emile noted. “It was a mere six point three kilometers off the shore from Kuanalio.”

“True, but I just wanted ta bring that up.”T'nuri placed her bone-club on the railing, toward the wreckage, eyes blazing.“All these Pokémon didn't survive, the passengers and crew need me to,” she declared. “Each of those lives, innocent or otherwise, I'll avenge them, no matter who or what I'll face.”

“Fuckin’ well met, laddie!” Kaliente stamped the ground.

Slowly but surely the crew of the Zhao Launcher documented everything they could in the darkness of nightfall, and once again prepared to head back out into sea. It was time to go. With a thunderous whirl, the anchor rose back into the galleon, with the weight rebalanced, the ever present wind pushing it along.

Deep into the late night Team Kirigiri and Team Zháo made it closer and closer to its destination. Warm beds in the barracks of the Fogcutter’s Detective Agency awaited everyone onboard.The first flickers of bright searing beam of the lighthouse illuminated the shore of Iaijustukage Island’s western dock, still quite a distance away.

A slightly salty, while regular late night mist rolled off the ocean. In it, a glittering, shiny hue pink energy sparking as the waves shifted. Though there was a clear path around the mountainous islands with no coastal plains or islets, the galleon ever so slightly bumped into something.

Below the Zháo Launcher was a particular disturbance of the seas. One that parted through the ebb and flow all around, like it drained water from a tub. A piece of land. Not a tiny sea-lapped island, but a red, dusty valley, barren and dry as those same off pink sparkling fog shimmered amidst the waves. Sparkling fog and a valley, all at sea right beside Iaijutsukage Island.
 
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Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. growlithe
  6. quilava-fobbie
  7. sneasel-kate
  8. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, got rolled your slate for P-Wheel. I went back and forth a bit on which of your two fics I wanted to review, but this one did catch my attention a bit more from the jump, so that felt like as good a reason as any to come back to it:

Chapter 1

Darkness ruled over the dreary skyline. Nothing could avoid being pierced yet again by two beams of light. Another flash of light, neon sage-green, and a flash of striking lavender-purple.

Oh, hello, Amazing Technicolor Lightning.

A light that shone brightly for kilometers in the distance, only for that brief moment. But in those few seconds, everything changed. The fog was cut.

I’m… not really sure if I understand the significance of the random words that are being bolded in this sequence or not.

As the storm of flames raged on the normally tempered and brisk northern Island, an ethereal voice cried out from the depths of the Ocean. "Oh, hear beseech my call for aid, Fogcutters! For you are the ones who we gave our power to!"

You want a different word than “beseech” here for the mysterious ethereal voice there, since that word basically means “beg”, which doesn’t fit in the surrounding context.

Even though the plea was in an ancient tongue, one lost to the sands of time the message was felt. Who would answer that call?

I… didn’t get the vibe that that was in an ancient tongue at all there since it was basically in fancier English. Like I get that multilingual antics can be a bit polarizing in this scene and aren’t a trivial commitment depending on how much you’re going to use the ‘ancient tongue’, but at the very least, I wonder if it’d have made sense to do some sort of font gimmick with something that looked more old-timey or something like that.

Intense fire rolled across the sands. Areas of that northern island had Waves of flame that ebbed and flowed all around areas of the northern island T’nuri washed up on. All around and even on the Cubone who lay unconscious on the shore.

how-are-you-not-dead-how-are-you-alive.gif


T'nuri opened her eyes and saw the fire as it brushed against the scales on her left leg. A sharp twinge of pain seared deep. [ ]

"The spark was that?!" she cried as she jolted upright.

It probably makes sense for T’nuri to jolt upright before she speaks here. And I see the XB3 swears are making a return here.

The Cubone turned around toward the sea off into the distance, and the fire upon her. [ ]

"Shit! That burns!" She kicked up some sand over the burn on her leg and dashed away from the ash and smoke.

… Wait, why is T’nuri just running away from the fire now after she felt it brush up against her a paragraph ago?

Grey-tinted fog floated around T'nuri as she searched left and right. The Ocean had only a thin, slightly cloudy mist above it, with no traces of red and black. Still, the entire Island and the tide around it were surrounded by a thick, nigh-impenetrable fog haze.

One or the other ‘fog’ here should probably be replaced, since it sounded a little repetitive in context.

T'nuri flinched as she stopped and briefly checked her injury. It leg: there was a mark along her shin and calf, charred red. She rubbed a bit of sand onto it and stifled a bit of a cry.

Ugh, I'm supposed to resist fire as I do with Mom's attacks. "Why does it feel the same as any normal move I'm neutral to?" She whispered. The Cubone gripped her bone-club tightly.

I… kinda question whether T’nuri’s inner thought and her dialogue really need to be two separate styles of communication instead of just having her say all of this in dialogue.

She turned around and took a glance at part of the path she had previously traveled. Thankfully, the fire hadn't devoured the entirety of the land; just above the Cubone on the cliffs, there were no traces of the flames.

Some parts of the land were even free of the miasma that choked T'nuri's lungs earlier, and she hadn't ventured through a fourth of the island yet.

Wait, T’nuri’s seen enough of the island so far to guess-quantify how much of it she’s seen? Or did you mean something different about “a fourth” like a less-wordy “travelled around a fourth of the island’s circumference”? It’s a bit unclear ATM.

"Okay, so the fire is only where the red and black fog is, but not the light-grey fog," she murmured.

[ ] T'nuri gasped as she ran toward the sea through the thick dunes on the beach. She continued higher and higher in the dunes, through the frayed stalks of plants and small enclaves of water, coated by sand. Far into the distance was a tall structure made of metal, wood, and stone. A dock was attached to the strongest part of the land, connected just above the Ocean's waves.

I think that you’re missing the part of T’nuri’s thought process where she gets the idea to go towards the sea, since that wound up coming kinda out of left field for me.

Away from the Ocean to the right, there was a path to another part of the island with all sorts of hills, dips, and trees, far across the expansive reaches of sand.

A cirrus of black and red drifted closer. Fire would be upon The fire would reach the dock soon. With every step T'nuri took toward it, the Ruinous Fog approached. Just as someone else did.

Wait, is T’nuri aware of the underlined, or…? If not, you probably want to make it a bit more obvious in the narration.

There was a long stretch of fully-burnt beachgrass nubs that led toward the dock. The Cubone tensed as she noticed the massive plume of gas before her, but nevertheless, she steeled herself for the journey ahead.

"Where is that scaly little runt?!" a loud voice snarled through the beach.

Oh yeah, that sounds """positive""" there.

T'nuri lost her footing and slipped into the cover of the plants. As she pried her body out of the mixture of dirt, water, and sand, she lurched forward once again. There's that pull again… The Jangmo-o must be close by. The Cubone thought as she peered out of the flora.

She flinched as another voice roared through the fog. "Just hand it over nicely and no one has to get hurt, buddy!"

Thaaaaat’s not the Jangmo-o there, I can already tell.

[ ] The Cubone continued her path through the thick strands and hid from whoever the loud Pokémon were.

IMO, it probably makes sense for T’nuri to react a bit more to these strangers since: A: she’s likely figured out by now that they’re not Jangmo-o, B: they’re here on an island that’s currently burning and filling with toxic gas, C: from their tone of voice, they’re obviously bad news.

Soon, the tendrils of plants led higher up into the sandbank, and T'nuri's head poked out of the stalks. She glanced above the grass and found the identity of the Pokémon above.

Amid the toxic fog, a Jangmo-o dashed along the sand, and their the black saddle-bag on their body stuck out was like a diamond in the rough: a large scarlet and violet cylinder stuck poked out of it almost haphazardly.

Some odds and ends suggestions for some changes here. Though ohai, Janmo-o.

[ ] Jangmo-o's golden eyes scanned the area around her for an opening. "You two have got my Gogoat if ya think I'm givin' that to ya!" they yelled, with an alto-pitched raspy drawl.

A Deino and a Buizel were not far behind Jangmo-o. Both wore bandanas with particular pink, yellow, and orange wide horizontal stripes, almost like a certain species of Pokémon. A Sharpedo-based skull-and-crossbones had been stitched into the fabric.

You probably want the first paragraph to be more obvious that that’s what T’nuri is seeing, since the formatting kinda threw me for a second. Also, is there a reason why the species that the bandana pattern apes isn’t just bluntly stated? If nothing else, consider giving a few more specific details to work with to give the audience something to guess the identity with since this is really vague ATM.

"And we were about to let you off good nice, too!" the Buizel grumbled.

[ ]


"The two of ya are rowdy pirates, and ya ain't finna get yer claws on this! Not when they need it!" Jangmo-o yelled back.

I think you want “let you off nice” there. Also, might be worth showing off Jangmo-o’s reaction to these two pirates who are doing their best to try and win a Darwin Award over whatever that ether cylinder is.

The Cubone ducked back down into the shadows of the plant stalks as she felt the Pokémon's footfalls against the earth; Jangmo-o's approach slowed as she drew near to her. T'nuri flinched and held her heart.

I don't know what's going on but this is bad! She thought, her eyes wide.

Heat pooled off the sand, and the ferocious embers inside lashed out in whips and wisps. [ ]

You probably want to be more explicit in your description about the fire catching up with T’nuri there.

T’nuri: “Oh, you’re kidding me…”
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Beach soil that was soaked in the tide offered recluse respite but was too far away.

You want something like “respite” there, since contextually, you seem to be going for something “relief”.

The strength of the fog around the beach grew visibly thicker. Dark splotches of black and red brewed inside the mist as sparks of fire began to ignite.

"Sheesh! That's hotter than a Turtonator's fireballs!" Jangmo-o cried as a plume of flames scorched their side. The fire brushed against their entire tail, their right claws, hind-leg, flank, foreleg, and even a bit of their right shoulder.

The underlined feels like it should come before Jangmo-o’s line instead of after it. Though wait, why are those pirates not reacting more to this? Are they manipulating the Ruinous Fog or something? If so, it’s not clear from the present description.

[ ]

It's go time, can't be worse than what my folks used to do.

T'nuri swung her bone-club against the sandbank and a torrent of sand clouded the area. When the bits of sand touched a part of the fog, it vanished.

"Jangmo-o! Hurry!" she climbed out of the ground and hurried toward them.

You probably want to show off more of T’nuri’s thought process and establish the “field of play” a bit more before she intervenes on Jangmo-o’s behalf, since this is feeling very abrupt at the moment.

The Deino raced toward their prey. "Who's there!?

"Whoever you are, you better mind your business or taste my wrath!" the Buizel cackled.

Uh… yeah, see above. Since the pirates honestly kinda just faded out for a while as Jangmo-o started getting toasted.

T’nuri: “... Wait, you two are still here? I thought that you bailed with how quiet you’d been while the fire was zipping around.”
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"Woo, nelly!" Jangmo-o lurched forward as she saw the Cubone, and fell straight into the sand. "You!" She slowly staggered up. "Ya're da one pulling me!"

T'nuri stifled a growl. There's no time! She pointed to the fog as fire erupted onto piles of sand around them. "Look!"

Jangmo-o nodded and limped toward her. As they tried to get to the Cubone through the toxic fog, a wall of flames spread across the sands between them and blocked their escape. T'nuri ran nonstop as the Jangmo-o struggled to continue onward. They coughed and limped.

Aaaaand the pirates are just sitting back and not doing anything during this while Jangmo-o’s got their ether cylinder of plot importance because…?

More and more fire ignited from the black fog above the beach and scorched the earth indiscriminately.

The Cubone wasn't doing much better as she tried to maneuver away the areas coated by flames. Her left leg flared up, and she wheezed to get air into her lungs with every step she made. Shit shit shit!

Jangmo-o took a swift glance behind her as her hind legs buckled for a moment. She fell and her maw buried deep against the grains of sand, with a grunt, she shook her jangly scales and pushed off the ground.

Yeah, if the idea is that the pirates bailed since things were (literally) getting too hot to handle, you probably want to be more explicit about that, since they just faded out again.

They weaved through the blaze of heat toward the Cubone. But as Jangmo-o tried to get off the beach they fell into a hidden pit of water; collapsed into the sand right in front of the sweltering inferno that blocked them from T'nuri and the other side of the island. A narrow wall of fire covered the beach and ended just before the foamy brine of seawater that touched the sands.

"You aren't getting away!" the Buizel yelled. "Blast 'em!"

T’nuri: “Oh for crying out loud! The island’s on fire and your priority is still trying to jump us?! How are you two still alive right now?!” >.<

The Deino stood still before they took in a deep breath. Dark teal energy pooled into their maw before they shot out a Dragon Breath straight at Jangmo-o.

Those bastards! "Don't you dare!" T'nuri's eyes turned pitch-black as she ran into the flames toward Jangmo-o. With the flick of her wrist, she swung her bone-club through the thick black fog and cleaved it in two, flame and all.

Oh, well that one’s new. Though it’s a bit hard to get a read on what the relative positioning of the two sides here is.

The Cubone pushed Jangmo-o out of the way just as the Dragon Breath soared through the air right above. After the blue flames fizzled away, she pulled her arm back, and the Cubone threw her bone-club at the Deino, and the Buizel behind them.

In a flash of brown and pale yellow, the Bonemerang pierced through the air and connected with the two Pokémon.

Despite the massive stretch of fire and fog between them, the blow sent the Deino and the Buizel far, directly into a wall of flame.

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Well, I suppose that’s the last time we’ll ever see those two.

In a clean fresh pocket of air, T'nuri grabbed one of Jangmo-o's claws and helped them off the ground, and she let out a bunch of ragged breaths as her eyes returned to their normal brown shade.

The bone-club ricocheted back into the Cubone's claw and shook as she stared at the knocked-over Buizel and Deino.

Oh, those two are still alive. Somehow.

The Cubone and Jangmo-o weren't in the clear just yet, for there was still the inferno beside them, it crackled in the air and nearly tagged their scales. T'nuri rubbed her leg and pointed behind her.

With a jog, she headed toward the trees of the hills to the right of the beach. Jangmo-o let out a gasp and followed the Cubone through the sand. They fled through the mounds of sand as their pursuers dealt with the flames they were cast into.

You probably want to describe the underlined a bit more. e.x. if they’re getting a bit shouty or have any particular standout lines dealing with “and then suddenly, there was fire singing us”.

In the sky above, there area was only a dark grey with nary a speck of red or black. Yet, only time would tell when flames would hit that the part of the island they were in, too.

T'nuri exhaled and patted her left leg before she hurried along to the edge of the beach. While she gritted her teeth, she placed a claw over her heart. What was that?

An unholy mashup of an Ether Miasma and a Fog Rift. All we’re missing is the nasty black beasties coming from the fog to wreck your day.

However, Jangmo-o had something more than a pull to them. T'nuri slowed down a bit to run side-by-side with the other Pokémon. Patches of grass and piles of rocks appeared frequently through the beach, the rocky hills before them got closer and closer to their reach. Jangmo-o staggered against the ground for a second before she hurried along.

The Jangmo-o was a cautious distance from her but then as their energy returned they edged near the Cubone. They no longer felt the pull of each other's chests, but they eyed T'nuri intently.

You addressed Jangmo-o as a “her” in narration a bit earlier. Remember to keep your pronouns consistent.

At this new distance, the Cubone watched as Jangmo-o's walking speed got slightly better. She limped less with each step. Good . T'nuri took a glimpse behind her.

The Buizel and Deino weren't as hot on their trail as the flames were. The two pursuers weren't even visible in the fog and fire that engulfed that part of the beach.

Are they even still alive given that you knocked them into a wall of fire? I mean, they probably are given their seemingly improbable survival skills, but…
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Fauna and solid ground replaced the sand they had previously traversed as the Cubone and Jangmo-o got closer to a brief reprise along the rocky hill land. This part of the island was like a whole different environment. While there were stones and knolls as far as the eye could see, they were covered with thick brush and vibrant grass. The two of them continued onward while the lush green leaves on the few remaining trees waved in the wind.

A small moment to catch their breath had presented itself. [ ]

The Jangmo-o took their chance as T'nuri met their gaze for a moment. "Thanks fer earlier, partner. Are ya doing alright?"

You probably want to add a bit more narration to tee up that Jangmo-o is about to talk there.

"Doing alright?" The Cubone repeated to herself as she walked toward the shade of the trees beside the road before them. "I don't know."

[ ]


"What's wrong?" the Jangmo-o asked, her tail low.

[ ]


T'nuri sighed. "Have you seen a large white passenger ship around here? It's called La Llovizna The Drizzle."

"Sorry I haven't."

[ ]

"Ugh," the Cubone groaned. "So many things are going on, but why do I feel so terrible?"

I feel like there’s quite a bit going on here in terms of character reactions and internal thoughts that are not being communicated. It probably makes sense to show it off a bit more, since it felt like we were jumping around quite a bit for topic and vibe that more description would’ve more cleanly shown the transitions between

The Jangmo-o stuck their tongue out. "Hmm, right. Since yur a Cubone, ya prolly aren't used to being weakened by poison. While not elemental, all samples of each type of light grey fog have around 3,500 ppm of carbon dioxide. Fer reference, 5,000 ppm of carbon dioxide is fatal after 'bout 30 minutes of prolonged inhalation."

Wait, this setting has a concept of ‘parts per million’? It’s clearly quite a bit higher-tech than I gave it credit for if they have the technology to do a chemical analysis of the freaky mystery fog to that extent.

T'nuri's jaw dropped. "You can tell all that!?"

"It's just an educated guess, partner. I'll have to leave the calculations to Emile and all that fancy mumbo-jumbo talk to Kaliente."

Oh, so Emily is the Grookey on the cover art, since I frankly will be really, really surprised if Kaliente isn’t the Fuecoco.

[ ]

"Who?"

[ ]


"Some fellow coworkers."

[ ]


"I get you."

"You do?" the Jangmo-o asked, quirking a brow.

"I work with a small workshop team."

[ ]

"The fun of having a team eh?" The Jangmo-o nodded. "I see."

Some more spots where it probably makes sense to drop in some combination of descriptions of character reactions plus internal thought processes.

T'nuri crossed her arms. [ ]

"I guess."

"Anyway, carbon dioxide in more concentrations is fatal, which's why ya've prolly had a nasty cough and felt like a wet Growlithe in this darn black fog."

"Wha?" the Cubone tilted her head. "Can you explain my resistance to it now?"

The Jangmo-o shook their head. "I had an inkling ya didn't feel the rain's effects as bad, either. But there’s something odd about the fog. I'm not entirely sure 'bout that, partner, I just have a couple of hypotheses."

Another spot where it probably makes sense to get into T’nuri’s head a bit more. Though once again, stay consistent with your pronouns for Jangmo-o here.

"You'll have to do some more research I suppose. I don't know much about that though, I just do woodwork."

"I see. Well, I'm glad I've finally found ya." Jangmo-o stopped to adjust her saddlebag. She loosened the straps around her shoulders with her claws and nudged the cylinder deeper into a pocket.

T'nuri relished the soothing blanket of tree cover above them and replied. "Likewise."

I would remind the audience that these two are under tree cover specifically, since at first I was drawing blanks as to what the ‘cover’ there was.

Shade out of the sun was only a temporary pleasure as the path deeper into the hillside left behind the collection of trees. If anything, the thick fog that loomed in the sky, along with the clouds, offered a bit of cover for the Pokémon. However, the slightly foul gas could not be ignored, for in due time, it ignited the whole land.

I… didn’t realize that it was daytime right now in-setting. You probably want to slip in a few more reminders than you presently do, since all this time I thought this was happening at night. ^^;

And not just that, there was the pressing advancement advancing footfalls of Pokémon that pounded far behind them. The Buizel and Deino were covered from head to claw in bruises and burns, yet still, they hurried from the side of the beach closer to the dock.

Okay, yeah, those two either have experience moving around in fogs like these or else are actively manipulating it, since they’re sure really unfazed by the fogs that spew fire and poison everywhere that you’d think would’ve killed them easily if they were bumbling through it as an unknown hazard.

The Cubone glanced over the skyline and saw a small forest.

Jangmo-o stepped near her and shook their head as she wordlessly gazed at them."Ya ain't much fer yapping, huh? But plenty fer staring."

T'nuri quickly averted her eyes and walked faster.

"Delcatty got yer tongue?"

Someone’s a cheeky one there.

The Cubone peered over Jangmo-o and then the visage of Drilbur and Sandshrew from earlier flashed in her eyes. T'nuri looked at the rocky grass field beside them. "I do have a few questions for you if you don't mind."

"Ya can ask me just 'bout anything, partner!" Jangmo-o replied. "I might just know tha answer. I am trained, after all!"

Gee, why don’t you speak a bit louder so those pirates can hear you easier, Jangmo-o? Since if you can hear Deino and Buizel’s footsteps, they’re not that far away from you.

T'nuri moved closer to them as the walkway grew narrowed. "You seem to be quite the capable Pokémon. What is your name?"

"The name's Alejandrien!"

Oh, so this is Alejandrien. Duly noted.

[ ]


"I am called T'nuri," the Cubone said. She took a couple of steps away from the Jangmo-o and peered over them. [ ]

"Ya ain't gotta look so hard, partner! Somethin' bout me on yur mind, T'nuri?"

You probably want to show off Alejandrian’s reaction there a bit more.

"Alejandrien…Is an interesting name. Where is it from?"

Tromba Island—oh wait, wrong oceanpunk fic there.

Though yeah, I didn’t realize that T’nuri found the name standout there. You probably want to show that off in her described thought process a bit more than you presently do.

The Jangmo-o laughed a bit. "I'm originally from the Sand Continent." They stopped to put a small assortment of rocks in a cloth bag. "And yeah, I chose my own name."

I… did not realize that we were in the canonical PMD setting right now, but duly noted then. I wonder if this means that we’ll see characters from GoM cross over at some point?

T'nuri lurched backward and held up her claws. "Oh, I'm sorry."

"Nothing to feel sorry about, just as long as ya try to say it right. Don't add an 'a' or an 'o' just keep it as 'ien'," Alejandrien said as she got close to T'nuri.

Oh, ‘Alejandrien’ is meant to be an enby version of ‘Alejandro/a’ as a name, isn’t it? I suppose that would explain why some of your narration addresses Alejandrien as a ‘they’.

"So you chose a new name, huh," The Cubone moved forward. "That's cool. I don't want to mess up anything else, so could you maybe tell me what you go by?"

The Jangmo-o nodded."Yeah, fer sure. I go by they and her." They stared at T'nuri as she just continued walking. "I don't want to assume anything fer ya either, partner. We Pokémon aren't too boring, are we?"

"Oh right, a proper introduction. T'nuri the Cubone, a girl, I guess. I use she and her."

I… did not pick up on that at all from the narration beforehand, even if I suppose that explains a few things. If the narration is specifically meant to be from T’nuri’s perspective, I would suggest keeping Alejandrien’s pronouns one or the other up until this specific point, since T’nuri would have no idea that Alejandrien prefers to be addressed as they/her until this moment.

"Well, I'm Alejandrien the Jangmo-o. Yup, partner, just yur trusty Jangmo-o from the Sand Continent. A Jangmo-o with a penchant for investigatin' and doing all sorts of reconnaissance! It's detective work!"

[ ]

"Detective work? I myself do woodwork, I know nothing about your field."

I… didn’t get that vibe from T’nuri at all. You probably want to have more “woodcutter thoughts” bleed over into T’nuri’s thought process or showing her doing some party tricks dealing with trees or stuff to make this a bit less of an informed attribute.

… Maybe, I suppose there’s room to still do that from this point on in the chapter.

"We detectives want to learn about everything, that's why I'm here!"

[ ]


"Eh, that reminds me, Alejandrien, I'm also interested in why you have that saddle-bag you're carrying." The Cubone gestured to the cloth and faux-leather on their flanks and back. "It has a magnifying glass symbol on it, and no average Pokémon would be out here, better yet being tailed by those mudders."

Okay, not that this isn’t in your chapter art, but this is literally the first time that there’s been any mention of Alejandrien having personal effects beyond a saddle bag. You’d think that this would be pretty hard to miss on T’nuri’s part, so you’d think she’d notice a bit earlier than this in the chapter.

Alejandrien tilted their head. "Mudders? Ah, well I'm not on a team yet, but recently I started to work with a Detective Agency."

It’s a sign that T’nuri’s from Britain the Outside Franchise Cameo Continent. They all speak like that there.

"Ah," T'nuri gasped. "I've wondered why you didn't have a badge of any kind like a Rescuer, Explorer, Pokémon of Paradise, or-"

Orrrrrr she could be from Mist. Since I wouldn’t think that a Pokémon from outside of Mist would reflexively have ‘Pokémon of Paradise’ come to mind.

[ ]

"The Fogcutters Detective Agency is heaps loads more elusive and grandiose than those old groups!"

[ ]


"I see, tell me more about that later." The Cubone pointed her bone-club at the massive reach of fog that took up the entire skyline. "I'm not all that grandiose myself, I just started up a woodworking shop with a C-tier Adventuring Company."

A couple spots where it makes sense to show off the characters’ reactions a bit, especially if T’nuri is being a bit skeptical of Alejandrien there.

[ ]

The Jangmo-o shook her head. "Don't sell yurself short, managing to work with anybody who values your craft is a big deal."

[ ]


"That is true I guess, all I had was my folks, but very little sales."

"Sometimes we gotta branch out, yeah?"

[ ]


"I'd rather just stay where I am… Rather where I was: home in Pa'a Lepo."

Scratch that, make that the Aeon Alolaexpy Continent. Though a couple more points where it probably makes sense to describe a bit more of how the characters are reacting to each other / what they’re thinking internally.

The fog made the flora-coated hills smaller than they've ever been, their beauty tainted by the noxious fumes above. Even worse, the fire that bred inside the darker pockets of gas was primed to permanently scar the earth.

You want “flora” there as a term for “plants”, “fauna” is a term referring to animals. I would further suggest picking out some specific types of plants (e.x. trees, tall grasses), since it’d go a much longer way to helping your readers visualize the scene than a general “plant-covered hills” there.

The Jangmo-o slowly placed each foreleg down on the broken stretch of rocks while T'nuri used her bone-club as a cane to hop down to the bottom of the rough hill and onto the stone.

Wait, T’nuri can do that? .-.

With her claws on the solid ground, the Cubone let out a sigh. "I need to know how it was when you arrived on this island."

"Well, it was only me, a Floatzel, an Arboliva, and a Stufful as the crew on the brigantine," Alejandrien answered and followed after her.

[ ]

"So those Pirates didn't betray you or stow away on the ship."

"Nope."

That’s… quite the small crew there for an entire brigantine, just saying. ^^;

"At least you weren't alone." the Cubone grumbled.

[ ]


"Alone?"

"Yeah."

[ ]


"There was nobody else at all? That can't be right, there's Pokemon here."

"If they were, they must be on another part of this island." T'nuri shuffled under the Jangmo-o's gaze. "I hated being alone."

A couple spots where it probably makes sense to show off a bit more of Alejandrien’s reactions there.

"When I first saw you, I thought you were holding it together well, but looks can be deceivin' I suppose."

[ ]


"I was scared," the Cubone sighed. "But I was scared for you, and well now I'm scared for us."

[ ]


"I’d have never guessed, really. Maybe it's your skull-helmet. It makes you look fierce all tha time. Makes me want to find out if ya are."

T'nuri flinched away. "Fierce? I don't want to."

Some more suggestions for this section here.

"I'm sorry. I won't hurt you, partner," Alejandrien backed away. "Nothing like those pirates did."

Just saying, that doesn’t rule out the possibility of unintentionally hurting T’nuri there. ^^;

The two Pokémon slowly climbed up another slope of the land and stood still for a moment. In the distance up ahead of them, there was a massive tree.

Its rich, dark bark and strikingly full leaves shimmered while roots from the behemoth sprawled out far in front and down the sides of the land, eventually curving back into the earth. The tree bridged the hills below with a sheer wall that was surrounded by a forest with a small mountain.

A couple suggestions here, though you probably want to make it clear where this tree is relative to T’nuri and Alejandrien, since there’s not much in the way of location provided here.

"Yeah, we ain't never seen 'em before," The Jangmo-o said as she headed toward the tree. "I figured those pirates were prolly on a little sloop or skiff that tailed our brigantine through the fog because of our deck lights. We made it to port and anchored on the shore before that first lightning strike. When we came to, we started our quick preliminary search of the island."

Oh, so the crew Alejandrien was sailing with is still on the island at the moment. Probably. Maybe.

T'nuri followed right beside them. "What were you all searching for?"

[ ]

"Well, I was the only one after the fabled mysterious artifact on this island."

"The one in your bag, yes?"

This spot feels like you had some room for expansion to show off Alejandrien’s reaction a bit more.

The Jangmo-o smirked. "Hopefully. Judgin' by da concentration of iron, aluminum, and zinc coating-"

"Alejandrien, please hurry it up a little," the Cubone narrowed her eyes and sighed. [ ]

"We, the crew on the brig, all searched to see if the Ruinous Fog was actually on this island and what its effects were."

[ ]

"You call it Ruinous Fog?"

"That's what da Head and Lead Detectives call it."

Ditto here, especially if T’nuri is having some sort of “waaaaait a minute” moment given that she was told the fog was ‘Ruinous Fog’ by those two wild Pokémon last chapter.

[ ]

"I see. Is there Ruinous Fog in other nearby islands?" T'nuri asked.

The Jangmo-o nodded. "Traces of da very faint light grey fog was were thought to be seen near this island, and two others on the northeastern edge of the sea bordering the Archipelago Continent."

Oh, well that’s not ominous at all there. /s

The Cubone gazed at the roots that sprawled out from the tree in the distance. It stood stalwart even as the thick grey fog coated the top of its leaves. [ ]

"Actually, now that I think about it, if you came here looking for an artifact, you had to know about this island. Where are we?"

"Kuanalio Island."

T’nuri’s logic of “where are we” feels like it’s missing a couple steps, whether explicitly stated to Alejandrien or else thought to herself in her head. Put in a couple suggestions to try and clear things up.

[ ]

"What!? How did I even get up here!?"

"Ya didn't intend ta land here? The most northern island of the Archipelago?!" Alejandrien shook their scales. "Where did you set sail from then?"

This is another spot where it makes sense to show off T’nuri’s thought process in more detail since this information is kinda coming out of nowhere and without the benefit of context. I think that showing off more of the wheels in her head turning would’ve helped a lot here.

"Pa'a Lepo Island, in the heart-waters," T'nuri said as she jabbed her bone-club into the bark of the tree.

[ ]


"Something crazy must have happened to that ship you were on-"

"La Llovizna The Drizzle," T’nuri corrected.

"Yeah that, ta end up here," the Jangmo-o said as they stretched against the tree.

I’ll probably decline to explicitly point out parts where I’m suggesting expansions from here on out since you can see the brackets yourself, though I threw in a couple other suggestions.

Though did La Llovizna somehow get warped from one patch of ocean to the next, or…?

T'nuri pulled herself off the ground, anchored her bone-club in a branch, and climbed higher. "Like a typhoon or storm? Could one have sent me far past the islands of the mid-sea and beached me up in the north?"

… Wait, was it ever explained why T’nuri (and presumably Alejandrien) are climbing this tree, or…?

"Possibly. What were tha conditions of yer surroundings when ya woke up?"

The Cubone turned to the side. [ ]

"A beach with only small crushed rocks, and no grass. I was toward the south of the island as I was told to head north to search for help."

As the wind blew a bit harder the Jangmo-o pressed their claws into the tree and gradually went up. [ ]

"Who told ya that were told by who?"

"Some nice wilderners."

Some more suggested tweaks and spots to consider expansion.

[ ]

"They were the first Pokémon ya met?"

"Yes."

[ ]

"So that Buizel and Deino. Those two were pirates who had followed you and your crew to Kuanalio Island."

… Wait, is T’nuri meant to say both the “Yes” and the “So that [...]” line there? If so, you probably want to add something in between as T’nuri’s thought process changes along with the topic she’s curious about.

Alejandrien climbed up just beside the limb. "The crew and I spotted fragments of somethin' on tha beach, but I left that there part of the shore to search for the fog's source!"

[ ]


"We'll have to search for it later."

"Not later, the first chance we get!"

Wait, who is saying the second and third lines in this section? I assume that it’s T’nuri and Alejandrien specifically, but it might make sense to be more explicit about things.

Atop the branch of the tree, T'nuri tilted her head. [ ]

"And then you must have run into those pirates,” she murmured. “Why were those two-"

"They were afta' this sealed relic that I dug up while investigating!" the Jangmo-o interrupted her with a snarl. Their eyes and head crest were pitch-black, while their jangly scales flashed purple and green repeatedly. "It ain't just some little tube fit for their untrained claws. It's a real bonafide relic!"

Oh, so Alejandrien has some sort of tie to that ancient voice from the teaser scene. Since I can see those colors their claws are flashing there.

T'nuri flinched away from the Jangmo-o's jaw and brandished her bone-club on instinct. [ ]

"W-what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

Alejandrien's tail lowered as their features went back to normal. [ ]

"Sorry 'bout that, partner… Eva' since I woke up from that acid rain storm, my brakes have been whittlin' away."

T’nuri: “‘Brakes’? You mean that that’s not the first time that freaky lightshow’s happened with your eyes and claws?!” O_O;

The Cubone widened her eyes. [ ]

"Could this be our connection? I cut through that fog?"

"Definitely."

I feel like T’nuri and Alejandrien are potentially jumping to conclusions here. Like I can buy Alejandrien potentially having an idea of what’s going on since they clearly have some strange powers that they’re (somewhat) used to, but there was zero indication that T’nuri had any familiarity at all with the Ruinous Fog or whatever these powers are, so it feels like she ought to have had a bit more steps before floating the “this is our connection” bit.

T'nuri looked down at her feet and then sighed. She waited for a moment before she tapped her bone-club against the tree bark.

"I want ya to trust me. This relic- er, artifact- is just real important to me and all, 'cause it might hold the key to solvin' the Ruinous Fog." the Jangmo-o placed their claws against the tree and strained to climb up its massive girth. Their eyes watered as their shoulders tensed up.

I… didn’t realize that the Ruinous Fog was solvable. It might have made sense for Alejandrien to have given some indication of how the fog was causing problems or even had a theoretical solution, since this is kinda coming out of left field at the moment.

Silently, T'nuri leaned down to grab hold of the Jangmo-o's claw and pulled them up to their level. The two collided and fell off the branch. They rolled through the branches and leaves, and then down the hill.

The Cubone's skull shielded her head once they crashed at the bottom, while Alejandrien just buried her snout into the hillside. The two lay still. On the cool ground, their eyes drifted closed.

As the two slowly staggered off the ground, they were able to get a view of more of the island.

The beach they once walked along was shrouded underneath the oppressive reign of charred, black fog. To the west from whence the Cubone awoke, obsidian-rich plumes choked the stone and strangled what life left from the dying greenery. But most importantly, they had a clear view once again of the two pirates as they barreled through the land.

… Wait, but wouldn’t the fog impede their ability to see fine details of anything that’s underneath them? Are these pirates meant to be moving around in some spot without fog obscuring them? If so, where are they relative to T’nuri and Alejandrien? Like at they 50 paces away in a straight line? Are the two lower down on a ledge that’s close but has no direct path up to them?

"Snuff!" T'nuri coughed as she peered through the trees and winding ways. "That Deino and Buizel sure are persistent!"

giphy.gif


Alejandrien nudged her side and they raced across the tilted hillock's path. "I still dunno wha' a snuff is, but we've gotta hurry into some cover before those pirates catch up!"

"Okay!" the Cubone replied as she followed her.

It’s called ‘T’nuri is from the bland-name Erythia Sea’, Alejandrien.

As they moved in between the open air of the hill and the cover of trees, a jewel of the Kuanalio Island came into view. A low but wide dark earthy red, and tan mountain. Its top had a curious crater-like shape, while there were deep scores all across the side that ran from the mouth to the foot. Fog appeared to pour out of it. Or was it an illusion?

Either do a namedrop of “Kuanalio Island” or else lowercase the ‘island’ there.

The Cubone and Jangmo-o didn't keep took their eyes focused on from it, though, as and saw that the path before them split in two directions. In one, there was a small tunnel, in the other, there was and a bunch of rocky grass-covered knolls.

[ ] On a whim, T'nuri helped Alejandrien down into the entrance of the tunnel, and they took yet another breather.

[ ]

"Did ya know that this mountain formation has the potential to be a dormant volcano?" the Jangmo-o said as their clawsteps echoed through the area. "Not because of its position on the ring of Solgaleo, but 'cause of the traces of volcanic ash on the grass."

[ ]

"Interesting," the Cubone sighed as she ran her bone-club along the left side of the wall.

Some more odds and ends suggestions for tweaking this section to make it a bit smoother. Though the ‘Ring of Solgaleo’ part feels like ought to have at minimum been alluded to more in some earlier narration, since this term basically means nothing to me due to lack of context to piece together what it’s about.

[ ]

"Yeah. Oh, that reminds me, yur name's also mighty interesting, T'nuri. Isn't it based on the sacred collection of ghost-type Legendaries?"

T'nuri sucked in her teeth.

I didn’t see that one coming. Though this is a big enough personal detail that given how uneasy T’nuri is reacting to “wait a minute, that name…” from Alejandrien there, that it might have made sense to foreshadow that a bit from T’nuri’s perspective there.

Though I suppose that’s one way to tell what regional form of Marowak are the norm on T’nuri’s home island are like given that her name has a link to Ghost-types in particular.

"Let me guess, none of your parents are ghost-types, which means your Marowak parent wasn't born on the Archipelago Continent!" Alejandrien cheered.

I admittedly didn’t see that one coming based off the transparently Hawaiian name that T’nuri’s home island has.

[ ]

"Don't have to remind me."

Oh, well someone has an unhappy family / life backstory from that reaction there. Even if I kinda wish we got to see her reaction in a bit more detail.

[ ]

"Oh, and I can kinda make out a bit of Typhlosion features under your skull!"

[ ]

"Cut it out," T'nuri grumbled under her breath.

Alejandrien, read a room. Seriously. Though this feels like another detail that should’ve been foreshadowed a bit more earlier on.

"That parent must not be from the Grass or Air Continent! That reminds me, about those ghost-type Legendaries."

[ ]


"What?"

"You think you'll die and become one?"

"Enough about that!" the Cubone roared.

She pulled her arm back
and struck the rock face beside Alejandrien's head with her Bonemerang, point blank. A faint part of her skull-helmet turned black just as her eyes did, green and purple markings flashed on her skull-helmet as she continued.

"You seriously thought that was a good question?! Stop talking about what I'll become and who I am! I'll strike you down if you bring that up again!"

Well, someone has a nasty temper and/or is really touchy about her heritage there if she’s just flatly threatening to kill Alejandrien over this.

[ ]

"Sorry, sorry!" the Jangmo-o squealed. "Too far, I'll shut ma trap."

[ ] The pair walked out of the tunnel and ended up on a sand-filled mountainside. Across from them stood the mountain they had previously marveled at, now full in all its glory. Ruinous Fog was in its way.

Totally a good sign there! /s

T'nuri fiddled with her bone as they walked deeper into a plume of darkening grey miasma. "Hey, uh, Alejandrien?"

The Jangmo-o didn't reply and continued on ahead as the fog stirred. [ ]

"I shouldn't have lost control and threatened you like that," The Cubone lamented. "I'm sorry, I'm just so lost. I wanna go back home to Pa'a Lepo Island with my family and my workshop, and I'm scared."

[ ]

"You're scared?!" they finally spoke up.

"Y-Yes."

[ ]


"Well, when you snapped earlier, something happened to you. I'm not entirely sure what it was, but it scared me. I was just trying to lighten the mood," Alejandrien gently jangled their scales.

Huh. I wonder if whatever’s going on with T’nuri is something that’s just started happening to her since she doesn’t really seem to have much self-awareness of the lightshow that accompanied her.

T'nuri placed a claw on her skull-helmet and tightened the grip on her bone-club. "I'm sorry. I'll try to keep it under control."

… Perhaps I spoke a bit too soon there.

The two picked up their pace as the sky grew darker and the approaching footfalls and threats of the pirates grew louder. In the distance near the mountain was the mouth of a cave. Ahead, the dark stone path was littered with jagged edges and dips strewn all about.

Okay, just how long have those two been “one step ahead” of Deino and Buizel all this time? Though I wonder if it’d be more effective if for at least some of the “and then they heard the pirates again” bits, if those were explicitly rendered with dialogue instead of done entirely with narration.

Alejandrien nearly tripped into a hole blasted deep in the stone and flew across it with one swift leap. "Nailed it!"

[ ]

"Watch your step, Alejandrien," the Cubone warned as they descended down toward the cave-like structure.

[ ]


"Oh look, it was a wilderner burrow!"

"Wilderners, ah yes. Some on the side of the island with little vegetation told me to search for a Mystery Dungeon."

[ ]

"What else did they say?"

"They told me to head to the north, and perhaps I'd find a Pokémon who could help me go through and maybe solve the 'once was mist- now fog."

… That Pokémon was Alejandrien, wasn’t it? Even if that makes me wonder how those wildeners knew about their presence.

[ ]

"To be honest I'm hoping we can use this Mystery Dungeon, wherever it is, to find our crew and our brig," Alejandrien sighed.

[ ] T'nuri glanced behind her and ran faster.

Alejandrien jetted after her. "What's wrong?"

"The pirates are getting close! Where is the ship?"

You probably want to make it a bit more explicit as to how T’nuri is able to tell that the pirates are getting closer? For instance, is she noticing movement in the background or something?

"Not sure!" the Jangmo-o rushed past her. "But the Pokémon of the crew should prolly be nearby it!"

de7.png


The once light grey fog was now a dark slate grey. It churned quickly through the Kuanalio Island southwestern forest and heralded wildfire.

From across the mountainside and the forests below, plumes of gas quickly spread around the entire area. They rapidly advanced toward T'nuri and Alejandrien in a fierce ebony tide, bright with sunset-rich hues. Beautiful and dangerous.

"We're trapped by the flames!" T'nuri growled.

I… didn’t realize that there was fire encroaching on T’nuri and Alejandrien there. I would strongly recommend explicitly describing its presence and how it’s cutting off their path ahead or something.

[ ]


"Look!" Alejandrien pointed. "That cave should offer decent enough shelter!"

The pair of Pokémon got closer to the cave, and there was a loud rumbling on the mountainside.

"Get back T'nuri!" The Jangmo-o ordered just before a Dragon Breath hit her.

Oh, well, guess Deino and Buizel have finally caught up with these two.

The Cubone fell backwards into a plume of dark mist just before its embers intensified, but it lightly burnt her. "Sparks!" the Cubone cried, and clutched her right arm.

Okay, it’s not strictly an error, but if you’re being consistent about your XB3 nods, T’nuri’s curse there should very specifically be ‘Spark’ without the ‘s’.

Flame ignited off the charcoal-tinted clouds above the low mountainous area, and the Black Fog lapped at T'nuri and Alejandrien.

"Almost had ya!" the Deino yelled as they and the Buizel slid down the mountain.

… Wait, how? .-.

Though this is why giving an idea of general positioning of Deino and Buizel relative to T’nuri and Alejandrien would’ve helped a lot for making this moment feel less completely out of nowhere.

An enclosure of heat and fire fizzled all around four Pokémon, and more importantly, blocked the entrance to the cave. Mockingly, the fire didn't reach inside. However, just above the cave was a collection of rocks, held up only by a tiny block and netting.

The Buizel smirked as they got down on all fours. "Ya ain't getting out of this one, punks!"

T’nuri: “Is that seriously what you’re worried about when we’re surrounded by a ring of fire right now?!
476586337689141257.webp


They shot forward with a Quick Attack that tagged T'nuri and sent her in range of the growing flames.

Through the blaze, the Cubone rammed them to the side with a Headbutt as the Deino rushed at her.

With T'nuri cornered against fire, the Buizel shot out Chilling Water while the Deino ran at her with their fangs glowing with the energy of Bite. More toxic gas surrounded the Pokémon and obfuscated them.

This feels like a sequence that would’ve felt significantly more exciting to read had you described more of the ‘blow-by-blow’ action that happened here, since the skirmish is being described at a very high level at the moment.

"Get down!"

In the blink of an eye, a Scale Shot struck the Deino and they crashed into the Buizel, and accidentally bit them instead. As the Deino tried to move, another Scale Shot blasted them.

"Ya've done it now!" Alejandrien snarled, their eyes black and cymbal scales green and purple. "Let's cut it!"

"Don't count me out!" T'nuri yelled with her skull black and brightly colored, as she swung her bone-club toward the Deino and Black Fog that engulfed them.

I feel like the transition into “paranormal powers kick in” would’ve benefitted from more lead-in, since it basically feels like things just lightswitched into them coming into play.

The Jangmo-o fired out another Scale Shot at the block and then at the Buizel. The large grey scale launched at the Black Fog just as T'nuri's Bonemerang touched it.

"Now!" Alejandrien yelled.

In an explosion of black, purple, and green all of the nearby flames and fire scattered to the wind, Black Fog quickly dissipated and vanished from the entire mountainside in one fell swoop.

… They can do that? Just what sort of powers are those?
684293502049320970.webp


The pirates scrambled away from the debris just before entrance to the cavern sealed tight.

Right then, the Cubone and the Jangmo-o dove into the cave mouth just as the cascade of stones from above crashed down.

Instead of landing just behind the stones, Alejandrien and T'nuri smashed through a brittle cavern wall and rolled across a hidden chamber far from the entrance, and collapsed against a thick wooden signpost.

Another spot where this would probably be more interest to see things in more of a “blow by blow” description. Though a sign in this cave, huh? I wonder what it used to be used for.

After a few moments, the Cubone wobbled off the ground. She took in deep breaths and looked around the cave as she held a claw over her chest.

[ ] Bioluminescent torches along the room that lit up the sign behind them in a warm orange hue. It read 'North Beach Mountain Mystery Dungeon'.

Ah yes, jumping from the frying pan and into the fire there. :copyka:

Though I feel like we haven’t really gotten a solid read on what the chamber they stumbled into looked like.

T'nuri watched as the Jangmo-o stirred. "Did we just do that?" she asked, eyes wide. "We got rid of the fog and those pirates?"

"Only with our teamwork, partner!" Alejandrien clambered upright. They peered at their surroundings and then plopped back down. "Welp, here's that Mystery Dungeon we wanted to visit. Let's head on inside when we're ready!"

[ ]

T'nuri sat down beside her and placed a claw on her shoulder. "Sure thing 'partner'."

I kinda wonder if we should see more internal thoughts from T’nuri here reflecting on their circumstances and where they want to try and go from here. Like I get what you’re going for here, but this feels a bit fast, especially when Alejandrien is still in many respects a stranger to her.

Alright, time for the summary that I do for these things. By and large, I thought this chapter was kind of a mixed experience, with some stuff it did well along with a fair amount of rough edges. But let’s focus on positive things first and start with the stuff that I thought turned out pretty well.

I take it that the main point of this chapter was basically to get T’nuri introduced to another character and put her on a glide path to joining her final team. I thought you handled this pretty well, since the chapter did a decently good job at introducing Alejandrien and selling how they give off a pretty distinct vibe relative to T’nuri. I also liked getting to see more of the Ruinous Fog, ditto the pirates, which did a pretty good job at keeping things tense (even if the latter wore off a bit from repeated “near misses” for catching up with T’nuri and Alejandrien before they finally caught up for real). Also, I suppose I’ve always been a sucker for worldbuilding, but I thought you had some promising teases of a much bigger world with the Archipelago Continent and with both Alejandrien and T’nuri having some connection to some sort of mysterious ancient power. You’re definitely giving a lot for your readers to come back for in the future, and I’ll be keeping an eye on how things develop there.

On the more critical front, but I’d strongly recommend taking some time to read your prose aloud to yourself, since a number of parts felt awkwardly worded. I also thought that you needed more description in general in this chapter. There were spots where said description was sparse enough to make it hard to tell what was going on at a couple points like T’nuri and Jangmo-o’s initial confrontation with the pirates on the beach. You also had a few points where details about characters or the setting get brought up without supporting context or foreshadowing, so the details either come off as very sudden (e.x. the significance of T’nuri’s name and her parentage) or else don’t really move the needle due to not understanding the significance of them (e.x. the ‘Ring of Solgaleo’). Make sure to build those things up a bit more. Lastly, but I wasn’t really feeling your action scenes since they veered a bit into “action log” territory for depicting things that happened. Show more of what happens on a moment-by-moment basis and play up sensations and a general sense of motion. e.x. Compare:

They shot forward with a Quick Attack that tagged T'nuri and sent her in range of the growing flames.

to

They shot forward at her in an orange blur. T’nuri desperately tried to bring her club down on her attacker, but she was too slow to stop the Buizel’s Quick Attack. The impact knocked the wind out of her as she lost her footing and tumbled to the ground. When she finally stopped, she immediately noticed heat flashing along her scales—

It was the fire, now right beside her.

In terms of how easy it is to visualize one versus the other, plus the relative tension that comes through in the two takes.

Sorry if the review wasn’t quite as positive as what you were hoping for, @Kiba Makuro . Though for what it’s worth, I think that the core of your story here is pretty fun and memorable, it just needs a bit of polish to really make the most of its potential.
 

SparklingEspeon

Back on Her Bullshit
Staff
Location
a Terrace of Indeterminate Location in Snowbelle
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. espurr
  2. fennekin
  3. zoroark
Hi, I’m here for Review Tag on United! For this review, I covered the prologue and first two chapters.

I thought the prologue was really atmospheric and well-set up. I got a pretty good idea of who T’nuri was from the outset – from the little bits and pieces I gathered, I assume she left home to travel with the adventuring company as a carpenter, and on the return journey her ship got zapped here… very, very far away from where it should, or could have plausibly been. I’m assuming that, in conjunction with the ruinous fog on this island, forms the main crux of the mystery.

Alejandrien is also a colourful character. It seems like she’s a scientist, and was here to collect samples and artefacts, but was also a detective… ? I’m not sure what role detectives take on in this world, or if this agency really is a private eye type thing and not just a style for their team. Her accent leaves an impression off the bat, and I like how you differentiate between her and T’nuri by using language – Alejandrien has a really thick accent, while T’nuri uses swears that she’s never heard of. It’s a clever way to add in some worldbuilding!

The island, in many ways, seems to be a mystery. I guess it’s not inhabited by pokemon who aren’t wildeners, which would make this a Lost-type situation, and it also seems to be on-fire and cloaked in magical mist? A lot of this is happening in media res, so there’s still much that’s unclear. I’m curious to find out why the two of them felt ‘bound’ together, and what the artefact Alejandrien found is – were they dropped here magically? Is there some kind of legend out there that’s making all this happen? Are the pirates in the same situation?

In terms of syntax, there were some things that caught my attention. I noticed that a lot of sentences were sometimes cut off with periods (making them fragments and therefore not complete sentences), as well as there being random capitalized words here and there. Additionally, it was sometimes hard to tell what parts of the prose were T’nuri’s thoughts, as sometimes they would be italicized, but sometimes not. The syntax is my largest gripe with this story so far – I think going back in and combing through the story for those would improve the reading experience a lot!

A strong and simple start so far! At this point, I’m most looking forward to figuring out what the main ‘mystery’ the characters are going to be solving is, as there’s a lot of them floating around, and I assume one big question connecting all of them. It seems like they reached one of Alejandrien ‘s teammates, and of course felled those pirates, so perhaps there’ll be some time to sit down and talk soon…

Great work!

~SparklingEspeon
 
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