Pokémon Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Eternal Shadows

[TheOnePersonInTheBack]

Heyyyyyyyo :D

Today the intro mailbox is dropping down to review your story! Ill review it by chapter sense i've read it all already XD

Ch 1: I know its probably not often a good thing to hear when someone says they were initially confused when reading a story's beginning, but honestly I liked how it was done here. If someone just randomly found themselves in a void with a mailbox I would be just as confused as Gen was. I will say the constant use of !? was a bit excessive but other than that it is a strong start to the story! I overall really liked it.

Also I could instantly tell it was the intro mailbox and when I tell you I wheezed so hard-

Ch 2: ok so it did take a second for me to connect the POV wasn't being told from Gen's perspective but once that clicked I found myself interested in whoever the person was. Of course that question was answered pretty quickly as Gen met my boy Burhalla. I actually love the stuffings out of that lil lizard child and I spent half the chapter just gushing over him. I am curious about Saltriv though, I like them but I feel they and Gen are somewhat connected, as Gen saved them from being killed by the distortion blob thingy,

Ch 3: British Pokemon Poggers. I actually love the idea of the phrase "Bloody Unovan" (May have to use it someone ;) ). Also I really liked the action bits! Reminded me of when I first played the games when I was younger and got scared at every little fight. The connivence of Gen realizing took me out of the experience a little but otherwise I really really liked this!.

Ch 4: I really did like how you fleshed everyone out a little bit, with Burhalla and his dad, and the fact that there is no way Gen lying wont come back to bit him later. The descriptions were beautiful and the scene setting was awesome, it really felt like I myself was there! I also found the scene where Saltriv and Gen hung out in Saltriv's house and Gen learned about the world adorable for some reason.

Ch 5: HOLY SHITOKI MUSHROOMS I wasn't expecting for the story to get dark that quick XD. so the british up and murdered the Porygon? Again the fact you managed to make me afraid of a fossil and a pokemon shows how good you are at writing, so kudos to you for that. Also I hope you know Im adopting the main trio. All of them. They are my adorable lil gremlins. Bruhalla is my favorite but I relate to Gen on a spiritual level, and Saltriv is just a pokemon embodiment of a whoopee pie. All in all I just found this a cute chapter (Along with the added intruige that is Dewott Gen, im exited to figure out more about that!)

Ch 6: Two words: Team Searchlights. I flipping love that name so much. Your scene setting is once again on point and the descriptions are as wonderful as always! You've really pulled me in to this little story of yours! Gen is starting to resonate a lot with me, and I find him really cute and relatable, also the part where he didn't know whatever that teapot thing was was a mood. I didn't even know there was a teapot pokemon.

Ch 7: I didn't come expecting to feel bad for a human-turned otter but here I am XD. But in all seriousness I saw a lot of myself in Gen, its nice to have people who can help in those sort of situations but the way you treated it was respectful and wholesome in a way, so o7 to you Bench! The Dynamax part was surprising and the scene where Gen almost killed his teammate scared me, ive gotten really attached to team Searchlights at this point tbh. Also Satriv being a former shadow pokemon is so dang cool and contrasts how wholesome they are perfectly. Lovely chapter Bench!

Ch 8: Another wonderful installment as to be expected! I do like the whole concept of purification and how it may come into the light more as the story goes on.

Overall I absolutly love the story to bits. There isnt too many flaws I can see and I really do think you have an excellent story here that you should be proud of!


Thanks again for making this!

-Toffee

 

[Adamhuarts]

Alright, I just read the third chapter of this fic for my Catnip assignment and I'll jump right in and share my thoughts about it without delay.


Starting off with the first scene in the chapter, I must say I wasn't entirely sold on the sudden shift to 2nd pov shift. I found the segment confusing for the most part when I first read it, but it made more sense the second time after the rest of the chapter recontextualized it. That being said I don't think the first scene does anything that couldn't have been done in 1st pov like the rest of the chapter, but admittedly it gets a pass for purely stylistic choices. Just be wary not to overdo it.


Also, I've noticed that there are parts where Gen monologs information we'd been told a paragraph or a few prior. While his shock at this is understandable, I'd caution it's a bit redundant to have him recite back everything we've already been told.


Moving along, I found some amusement at the revelation that Saltriv not only attended school with Burhalla, but that they had been missing for months. Concerning the latter, I'd assumed they'd been insta-teleported to the ethereal dimension Gen first woke up in at the same time he was prompted to pick a partner. This makes me wonder if the others that Gen didn't pick were returned to their original lives or are stuck in limbo in who knows where?


In the scene that followed, I think Burhalla's character trait of hating lies could've been brought up in a more natural way. I'm scratching my head a bit at how Saltriv asking if their parents were okay would make Burhalla assume he's been accused of dishonesty in any way, but on the flip side this could work as just him being really insecure and kinda taking Saltriv's words the wrong way which I guess works. However, Saltriv expressing a bit more disbelief on whether their parents were fine would've made Burhalla's response more organic.


Reaching the end of the chapter made the first scene click. Maybe I'm a bit slow on the uptake, but I wasn't entirely sure that the two unnamed individuals were in the same dungeon Gen and the others were in and had left it just moments prior. Speaking of which, the blue text one mentioned Unova which implies the two of them are human too. With there being multiple humans in this story, I'm curious to see where this story plans to take its journey.


It's still too early in the fic for any major plot lines to take off and a lot of it was exposition. I'm a bit mixed on how all of the games' elements are going to be implemented in Eternal Shadows, but I think there's a lot of creative things that you can do with them. Overall I found this chapter to be decent and will very well turn up again in the future to read more.

 

[MintyMimix]

Finally getting around to a proper review on TR for this fic! As an aside, I’m only reviewing Chapters 1 – 4 at this point, so many of my comments or questions might have been answered later down the line.

Starting with Chapter 1, we get introduced a version of the personality test where the disembodied voice is replaced with letters. I definitely enjoyed the psychedelic, more sinister and “helpless” / “suspended” vibe – it’s a nice spin on the typically benevolent nature of it. Based on the appearance of Eternatus, I’m wondering if they were the force to be reckoned with or the helpful one, given that the threat seems to be shadow Pokémon… intriguing!

Did I accidentally hit it with the paper?

This is the most hilarious way I’ve seen an MC “pick” a partner; I love it.

As the platform broke apart, and we fell into the abyss, I could hear my own screams, as well as many more.

Quick syntax note: You can remove the comma here since it’s an independent followed by a dependent clause. There are a couple of instances in the later chapters where this happens as well, such as:

I looked over the billboard, full with missing posters, lit by the sunlight that made its way through the clouds above. It’s depressing how small our town has gotten. I recognized Treecko, Sneasel, Morpeko, Orbeetle, Flapple, even Leon. I heard the whole Kecleon clan was looking for him. I haven’t seen Kecky at all since he disappeared. At least my own family isn’t among the missing.

I was a bit confused by this opening statement on Chapter 2 – did you mean “Keckleon clan was looking for them [plural, referring to the list of pokémon]”or “Keckleon clan was looking for [Kecky]”? If it’s the latter, then just noting that Kecky’s name was not mentioned before the pronoun.
I do like that the kids don’t have a formal name for the threat and just call it “going shadowy”; it adds to the childlike nature while making it all the more treacherous of a menace.

I could probably take them on, especially with today’s fire-type V-Wave.

V-Wave! Gates doesn’t enough rep the PMD community; love seeing this detail and wondering if it will play a larger factor in the future chapters. The imagery of the Connection Orb literally showing lines is pretty cool too! I noticed that you like to put in detail in how items work and are created in general; it’s a nice touch that aids in making the world feel more “lived in”!

“I don’t remember,” I blurted out. That was a complete lie, but I had to roll with it now.

And thus, we get the first of Gen’s lies. This will definitely not backfire on him in any way in the future, no sir. (I’m liking it narratively!)

Chapter 3 has a very experimental perspective for Arctozolt swapping between first and second pronouns to emphasize the horrifying mental situation they’re in. It’s a nice touch, though I’m definitely grateful for the colored formatting making it more apparent who is “speaking”. When I first saw this on AO3, it was difficult to follow even with the bold / underline separation. Unovan and Galarian make up the two personalities stuck in it, huh? Wonder how they’ll react to Gen’s presence as a Johtoian.

I didn't have any fingers anymore, yet I could still grasp it, like my nubs were some sort of suction cup almost.

Even when fingerless, Gen can still thankfully grab hold of things! Makes things much easier in the long run.

Nothing happened. It pecked at me again. Ow. I think that one broke the skin.

These kinds of flailing moments by just-recently-isekai’d protagonists are always a delight.

“I'd have told you if they weren't. I'm not my father. I don't lie about things like that.”

Past family tension… Burhalla values honesty above all else, and now he’s just met a lying protagonist. Juicy!

Gen asks a lot of interesting questions and ones that I hope to see the answer to as a reader as well. As a side note, we’ve got a Johto MC! Interesting choice, given how Johto-oriented the games that introduced Shadow Pokémon were…

If that brawl had made its way to Johto—

Poor Gen – two titans clashing like that causing him to get lost in an emergency evacuation and being left alone while everyone is panicking can really strain on a person. Just to clarify, so the two beasts hadn’t yet reached Johto, but were predicted to / evacuation was issued as a pre-emptive measure? Wasn’t 100% clear on that.
As an aside, I noticed that Gen brought up his friends and family in passing, but I’m curious as to if there are any particularly strong figures in his life that he might imagine while he’s thinking about home – perhaps even a Pokémon that he bonded with? His past is a bit nebulous at this point.

“Berry crackers. I’ve been found out,”

I can’t tell if this is a euphemism or just a fantastical swear; either way I adore it!

Also, a new continent! I’m eager to see what the lay of the land is like and where it is in relation to the canonical ones. I wonder if they trade stories or goods between the continents…

“There’s been four Pokemon who tried lying about that just this month.”

That answers my question! Looks like the tales of the game protagonists have not been missed the denizens of the Thunder Continent, but this presents a bit of a problem for Gen. Even if he were to fess up now, there’s a good chance that he’d be brushed aside and the generosity he was given would be rescinded. Even so, I’m sure there’s a way he could be convincing – be it using Johto's writing or talking about/sketching human innovations, etc. but Gen’s confidence issues will lead him to keep lying until it’s too late – and that’s honestly great. We can see the seeds being planted here for Gen’s lies eventually erupting in an explosion of drama while still wanting to be supportive of him as a protagonist.

“Ok. I don’t want to have to deal with more people keeping secrets from me.”

So both Burhalla and his father believe the other is constantly lying to the other. The tension is palpable and this is a very realistic situation honestly – it raises the question of is it miscommunication or gaslighting? Hmm…

Right to the left of where the path ended was a bulletin board, filled with posters depicting many Pokemon. A Tyrogue was looking over the papers on it.

I think you could remove the word “Right” to clarify the direction as just “To the left” works. A little bit of a nudge that can help elevate this introduction to Overcast Village as a whole is not only the sights themselves, but also the attitudes of its residents. For example, take the Tyrogue was looking over the papers on the bulletin board – were they remorseful and anxious about the rise in Shadow Pokémon, were they perhaps eager for a new adventure, were they exhausted due to the volume of requests? Little details like this can help sell the world.

Heading away from it was a Pokemon with short arms, a V-shaped head, and a wispy tail, carrying what looked to be its pre-evolution on its head.

Gen doesn’t recognize Galar Pokémon – a nice detail that can come up later as Eternatus gets more involved. I’m also curious if the events of Sword and Shield happened in this canon or not.

“There’s been a lot of disappearances since you’ve been gone. You’ve probably already noticed the Kecleon brothers,”

The other starter Pokémon trapped in the realm that Gen encountered in Chapter 1… curious if we’re going to see them appear as Shadow or missing Pokémon later down the line. Were they even real to begin with? This plotline has my interest.

“I don’t want a repeat of last time.”

Sounds like there’s a fun story behind the last sleepover Saltriv had.

The sequence in the human world is what really caught my attention. The dealer has worked with Gen in the past, knows his father, and found the bow that directly connects the two worlds together. I’m excited to see how the interactions between worlds continues and how “the other side” reacts to Gen suddenly going missing for so long. One detail I am curious about is how calm it is over there right now – was the fight between Kyogre and Groudon settled? Were the evacuation orders rescinded? Or was that a more far-off memory for Gen?

Overall, I think the setup you have here is great – the lies begetting more lies with Gen, the perspective from the human world, the familial drama with Burhalla, and the loss of friendship with Saltriv – I know you’ll do great with the payoff on all of these elements! I do think the human world perspective could have kicked in on an earlier chapter though. Other than Gen’s choice to deceive out of anxiousness, I didn’t really get a feel for the kind of person he is or what his past attachments were from these first few chapters. He has a lot of questions but doesn’t quite pursue them (understandably not at this time given his anxiousness), so I’m hoping to see more of his own drive as the story continues!

Nevertheless, I’m excited to keep reading this! There’s plenty of intriguing and unique concepts and the difference between the worlds gets remarked upon often which when contrasted with the still-described human society makes for a great scenario! I’m eager to see how the characters within the two worlds intertwine and what kinds of events and resolutions will rise from the threads and tensions being laid!

 

[Cresselia92]

Howdy, Bench! Here I am with the review for Blitz 2022!

Apologies for taking so long for this review. I've never been a fast reviewer and I tend to ramble a lot, haha! XD

As per my usual approach, I'll have both line reactions and a general overview of what I've read so far. In this case, I've read the first three chapters. Lovely work!

With this said, onward we go!

Spoiler: Line Reactions

I hastily stood up, and gawked at what I saw. A few meters away, the ground ended, and beyond, was a constantly changing sky, of greens and purples and blues and whites, all shifting and distorting with each second. I turned around, hoping that something else laid behind me, and the ground ended just as quickly that way, too. In every direction I looked, it ended the same distance away. I was alone on some sort of circular plateau.

I walked over to the edge, and looked down, to see if there was some way down. I hurriedly retreated in shock, before standing back up. There was nothing but a completely vertical drop into an abyss, that looked exactly like the strange skies above.

Station of the Awakening, also known as Dive Into the Heart!

It was some sort of mailbox at the side of the platform, with a pencil, and a piece of paper next to it. I walked over, and read the paper, which had the words, "Please write your name on this paper, then put it in the mailbox." I picked up the pencil, then hesitated.

Random mailbox! Hey, maybe the letters go somewhere! How about asking for help? Who knows, maybe someone would read that? 👀

Suddenly, the light disappeared, and I heard a loud SNAP! I opened my eyes, and saw the top half of the mailbox was gone, a dark, jagged wooden post in its place. I hurried over, and peered over the edge to see if anything snapped it, barely catching the still red top half of the mailbox disappearing into the technicolor abyss. I backed away, shivering. What could have possibly done that?! As soon as I stepped back onto the center of the platform, the darkness in the post started to spread to the platform, causing the grass scattered around it to wilt and disappear, revealing a glassy, mirror-like layer underneath.

Heartless! Is this the moment that Gen will summon his Keyblade, yes? :3

Soon, my vision started to return. Once my vision had fully cleared, the bow had taken on a blue coloration. I dropped it in surprise.

What kept happening in the flashes of light?!

Hmm... Maybe you don't wanna know.

I moved my hands in front of my face. They were still human hands. What was that all about? What was any of this all about?!

Why was I here? Why did these unexplainable things keep happening here? Why did I have to be here, all alone?

I threw the bow back down at the ground, holding myself tightly with my other arm.

Wow, I can really feel the tension seeping from these words. Poor mate.

The platform suddenly shifted from a mirror-like surface to a dark, glassy one. Around the edges of the platform, shadows flared up. I jumped in surprise. What was happening now?!

After a few seconds, the shadows dissipated for the most part, revealing a wide variety of Pokemon on the edges of the platform, all seemingly unconscious, and surrounded by a wavering shadowy aura. I wasn’t alone anymore.

Oddly, there didn't seem to be any Water-types.

Oh? No personality test? The powers that be decided to skip that part? I bet they hate tutorials, too. ;p

A single paper had appeared in the center of the platform. I hesitated, before going over to it, and reading it. I gawked as I processed the message. "Rescue one," it read. Rescue from what?! Those shadows? Why only one?! This didn't make any sense! I grabbed the paper, crumpled it, and threw it. "What's going on?!" I yelled, as I looked towards the many-colored sky.

Choose your weapon wisely, Gen.

Anyway, I'm curious. After reading what happened in the other chapters, I wonder what's up with those unconscious Pokémon. Did they all disappear? When? How?

"What...happened?" I heard a voice to the left. I quickly turned in the direction of it, only to find one of the Pokemon, a Chikorita, starting to wake up, the shadowy aura around it dissipating. The crumpled-up paper was next to it.

Did I accidentally hit it with the paper?

Suddenly, I realized something. All the other Pokemon on the platform had disappeared. Where did they go?!

Oh no! Anyway, now I wonder what would have happened if he rescued someone else. The possibilities of all those other partners and interactions are a big writing fuel themselves. Maybe we'll still meet them someday under other circumstances? Perhaps as "bosses" of sorts?

Wait a minute, was that voice the Chikorita?! No, it couldn't be. Pokemon couldn't talk. Well, there was that one Meowth that was on the news once, but that was just one Pokemon...right?

Anime reference?

I began to approach the Chikorita, only for it to open its mouth and...actually speak. "Who...are you?" it said. I froze in complete shock. What was happening?! Nothing here made any sense!

The Chikorita stood fully up, only for my vision to be obscured by a flash of light. Once I could see again, the Chikorita was frozen in place, mouth agape. Did something happen to it?

Someone must have hit pause. I'd suggest that you hit that Chikorita and see if it restarts. That usually works when my TV is frozen. ;p

I looked up. I barely had time to scream.

A massive hand was reaching down for us. Pink and black, coming from a spiral high in the sky.

I grabbed the Chikorita and ran to the edge of the platform, hoping to avoid it, only for it to smash into the platform, completely shattering it.

As the platform broke apart, and we fell into the abyss, I could hear my own screams, as well as many more.

Of course! First the Station, now Darkside! What's next, Traverse Town?

And all those screams... I wonder if they are from the non-chosen partners. If yes, that makes me wonder what happened to them. Did they end up lost in the darkness? And who was that presence who made Gen choose, anyway? And why? What is that presence planning?

So many questions, but the chapter is over. Onto the next one!

Chapter 2: Lost and Found

Overcast Village

???​

I looked over the billboard, full with missing posters, lit by the sunlight that made its way through the clouds above. It’s depressing how small our town has gotten. I recognized Treecko, Sneasel, Morpeko, Orbeetle, Flapple, even Leon. I heard the whole Kecleon clan was looking for him. I haven’t seen Kecky at all since he disappeared. At least my own family isn’t among the missing.

Not gonna lie, the perspective shift kinda threw me out of the loop. It took a while for me to undestand that this was another character.

Perhaps it would help to give some cues of who this character is? Like, his tail flicking or the flame burning hotter? That would help me understand that this character isn't a human, an Oshawott or a Chikorita.

One missing poster in particular caught my eye, struggling to stay attached to the billboard against the breeze, depicting a Chikorita with an autumn-red leaf. That was Saltriv! I hadn’t seen them since school ended for the year. Their family helped run the item shop whenever one of the Kecleon brothers was out, though these days they run it full-time.

Hmm... Y'know, alternatively, I would skip the reference of all those missing Pokémon and go straight to the reference of the missing Chikorita. Something like "I couldn't believe what I was seeing. That Chikorita on the poster... That was Saltriv! There was no mistake: no other Chikorita has that autumn-red leaf."

This would give two important hints: that the character isn't Gen and that they know the Chikorita.

Maybe I could go look for Saltriv. They were the one up there that I knew the best. They were pretty young compared to most of the others on the billboard; if they had gone shadowy, I could probably take them on, especially with today’s fire-type V-Wave.

I hoped it wouldn’t come to that, though.

I nodded to myself. It was decided, then. I’d go look for Saltriv.

Yeah! Let's beat the curse out of my friend!

I had to do this in secret. There was no way I could find two other people who would agree to making a search party with me. Aron and Rockruff were both still tired after yesterday, and Helioptile was several towns over. Even if that weren’t the case, I doubt they’d be up for a full-time commitment like that. Plus, if Dad or the police ever learned what I was doing, I’d never hear the end of it.

Inb4, they find out.

I headed over to the nearest deposit box to get everything I’d need, putting it all in my bag. Apple in case I get hungry, check! Max ether in case I get exhausted, check! A slumber wand to incapacitate Saltriv if they’ve gone shadowy, check! Two oran berries in case I get hurt, check! A tiny reviver seed just in case, check! Connection orb to find where Saltriv was, check! I still had my pecha scarf and looplet on in case they were in a Mystery Dungeon. I was all ready.

Hmm... I've got a little query here. If the Connection Orb would allow this character to find Saltriv, then why didn't they use it before?

Unless it's a recent addition, I find it weird that they didn't try to use it, especially in light of what we find out later: that Saltriv has been gone for months. That's something that would raise concern, and I find it weird that the poster has some relevance only now. Like, did nobody figure out that something was amiss about Saltriv's disappearance? Nobody at all?

I emerged from behind the house and reentered the square. I could see all sorts of lines connecting the Pokemon around the square, some faint, some bold, some green, some orange. The connection orb was already working. I headed towards the Kecleon shop, where Mrs. Meganium and Mr. Torterra were talking to a Wooper I didn’t recognize—who soon left with a cheri berry. The pink line between the two was strong, and a blue line just as strong was behind each, both heading in the direction of the forest. Those must be the lines connecting them and Saltriv.

Whoa! I really love how the links of the orb are depicted here! Who needs WhatsApp when you can just use an orb and find your friends whenever? :3

Hopefully it doesn't work with Pokémon who have toxic obsessions with other Pokémon, because otherwise... well...

Deep breaths. In, and out. Let my tail flame grow, then die down. Burn the stress away.

See? This description comes a tad too late. It would help immensely if it was put at the beginning of the chapter.

The sound of trees swaying in the breeze reached my ears. Blades of grass pushed up against me as they were buffeted by a gale. I felt a leaf brush against my face as it was carried away by a gust of wind. My eyes opened slowly as I struggled to full awareness.

Hm. I could get the grass, but how does he know that a leaf hit him if he has his eyes closed? It could even something else with a flat surface, like a piece of paper.

I took a step forward, only to stumble and lose my balance. I waved my arms wildly as I face-planted into the ground. They felt a lot shorter than they did before, somehow. My legs felt much shorter as well, as if they were barely there at all. Actually, come to think of it, my whole body felt strange.

Ah, yes. The downside of not having amnesia: muscle memory. It surely would make it harder to get used to a new body.

What.

How did this happen. Why did this happen.

“What the hell is happening?!” I yelled towards the sky.

Well, with the final yell, I kinda feel that the second paragraph is a tad redundant.

What do I say? That I was that human? They probably wouldn’t believe me. They were already partly convinced that the whole thing was a dream. I probably would be, too, if I hadn’t tested to see if it was.

Maybe they would believe me, though. Maybe, somehow, they’d believe me, even though I looked nothing like a human anymore.

Oh, if only you knew what kinds of crazy things happen in this world…

Through an opening in the trees, an orange figure approached, lighting up the forest around him as he drew near. Soon, that light was recognizable as a fire on the tip of a tail. A Charmander. He wore a pink scarf around his neck and had a bag slung around his shoulder. On his wrist was some sort of strange bracelet, with a purple gemstone, and two indentations in the same shape as that gemstone.

Hold on! A Chikorita, a Charmander and a Water-type… That’s kinda like the Pokémon Mystery Dungeon anime episode! Dunno if this was intentional or not, though.

Another talking Pokemon? Could all the Pokemon here talk?! Or...was it just because I’m an Oshawott now? How did I hear Saltriv back there, then?

The obvious answer is that you were a Pokémorph back then. ;)

—Twig Woodland, apparently, as an Oshawott, and I had no idea why I was like this. Did that hand do this? Was it me falling into that abyss? Did my friends and family know where I was?

Dunno. Better try to look for a phone or something and check out!

“How’d you get here?” he asked.

I answered, “I have no idea.” Well, besides maybe falling into that abyss, but I doubted he’d believe that.

I mean, I bet you’re struggling to believe that yourself, Gen.

I froze. What do I say? My hometown? He’d be even less likely than Saltriv to believe that I was a human, since he wasn’t in that weird place. Also, apparently, humans were legends here. I didn’t really have time to process that before, but now...it’s unlikely that my hometown exists here. Even if they did believe me if I said that I was a human from another world, what if they started asking me questions about my world? I doubted they’d react well to knowing about how Pokemon like them were usually treated in my world.

“You still there?” Crap, crap, need to think of something quick!

“I don’t remember,” I blurted out. That was a complete lie, but I had to roll with it now.

Here it is. The first of many lies.

“Just my name and how to do some things,” I said. I was digging myself deeper and deeper. I hoped they’d lay off the questioning soon, then I could worry about getting back home. .

Little stray dot.

I was about to ask about Overcast Village, when Burhalla reached into his bag, seeming to be searching for something, before his expression paled. “...I forgot to bring an escape orb.”

…Seriously? That, like, one of the most important items during an exploration in a dungeon!

Was that like an escape rope? Whatever it was, it seemed important, as Saltriv’s expression also paled.

Hey, I like the comparison with the Escape Rope!

Two chapters done, last one to go!

I walked you through the dungeon, my flipper-like legs squelching against the dirt with each step. Such an alien, uncomfortable feeling. What I wouldn’t give to be me again.


Focus, you idiot! We’re still looking for that Charmander! You thought.


Right, right. Had to focus. We had to find that Charmander.

Okay, I have a couple of things to say about this part.

First, I find the perspective shift somewhat confusing here as well. However, the colored texts help the reader understand that this is another character… set of characters speaking, so that helps.

The whole “I” and “You” took a while to get used to, but I must admit that makes the character(s) very unique, at least. So kudos for the idea. A bit confusing at first, but cool idea.

You zapped them with a Thundershock, and they fainted. Something buzzed within my snow. I had completely forgotten about those. You hadn’t.


Forget about that for now! That Charmander’s probably on the next floor by now! You thought.

Hm? Why are they looking for the Charmander, I wonder? …Are they assassins? 👀

Bloody Unovan. I thought back, as we resumed down the corridor, and ended up in a wide room.


Your region is the one that manufactures the freaks of nature we’re stuck as! You thought, before we saw the stairs tucked away in the corner, and a Phantump approaching us. Forget about that for now! Go!

! That is a very interesting detail — they are human, one from Unova and the other from Galar! Fascinating. I wonder if they’ll figure out that Gen is human, too, and what will happen next.

Immediately, we were ambushed by a Sewaddle, who promptly snatched your oran berry and ran. I heard your curses, both internally and externally. I’d make sure it never saw the light of day again.


Idiot! The Charmander is still in here! We have to find it! You thought, as I ignored you, going down a corridor after the Sewaddle, as it got farther and farther away. I didn’t give up, though, as we entered the room it was on the other side of.

Y’know, I’m getting Cat-Dog vibes from these two former humans. It’s amusing!

Burhalla halted for a second. “I’ll explain as we walk. It’s not safe to stay in one place in a Mystery Dungeon,” Burhalla answered, as he continued onwards. I hurried after him, stumbling a few times due to my new body shape. My legs were so short that I almost had to uncomfortably waddle instead of walk. I had to deal with the weight of my tail, too, which had its own set of weird feelings as it dragged against the ground.

...The tail had its set of weird feelings? I know what you meant with this part, but it made me think that the tail itself was conscious of its own status as a tail. XP (Which would have been a cool concept for a Girafarig, I admit.)

“You really don’t know what a Mystery Dungeon is?” Saltriv asked, bringing me out of my thoughts. “Everyone knows about them!

Missing " at the end of the sentence.

“Mystery Dungeons are places where reality is unstable. They have a certain number of floors, connected to each other by stairways. Each floor is made up of a set of rooms and corridors connecting them. The stairways are never in the corridors, always in the rooms, and with few exceptions, every floor only has one staircase. Every time one goes into a Mystery Dungeon, the layout changes,” he said.


I heard him mutter something about being able to recite it from memory.

Ah, I see we just found the "explanation fairy" of this story. It helps that his final stage has wings, too.

“How many floors does this one have?” I asked.


“Four,” he answered.

Hm! Y'know, something interesting that I could think how was the rationale being a dungeon having a set amount of floors. Like, more distorted realities have more floors, making them more dangerous?

“The layout hasn’t changed, so not very long. I remember where the stairs are for each floor. The stairs for this floor are just up ahead,”

There should be a dot at the end, unless you want to add something like 'Burnhalla concluded'.

We emerged into a square room, with corridors to my front and right. Also to my right, there was a small pink heart-shaped thing, with lighter spots near the point of it, and two green leaves on the opposite side. I’m pretty sure that was a pecha berry. They cured poison, right? Would I need to worry about poison? It would probably be a good idea to take it just in case. I walked over to it as the other two talked, picking it up with the end of my left arm. I didn't have any fingers anymore, yet I could still grasp it, like my nubs were some sort of suction cup almost. It felt completely different to grabbing stuff with my hands.

Gotta love how some dungeons conveniently have items to deal with the threats inside of them. Makes me almost wonder if they have some sort of consciousness and try to passively help out Pokémon who end up lost or who are in danger.

As I pondered this, Burhalla said, “About the Kecleon brothers...Leon’s gone missing. Kecky and the rest of the Kecleon clan have been searching for him for weeks.”


“What do you mean?! I talked to them just yesterday after the last day of school!” Saltriv responded.


“Saltriv...you’ve been missing for months.”


“W-what?!”


“School ended a while ago. I haven’t seen you at all since then. Just today, I saw your missing poster on the bulletin board. I thought you had gone shadowy, like Patrat had. I thought I was going to have to fight you once I found you. But you’re ok, and I’m so glad for that.”


“B-Burhalla…I've really been gone for that long?”


“You have, but you're here now. Come on. Let's go home.”

Oooh, man! Saltriv has been missing for months? Strange that Burnhalla didn't know about that until now nor wondered why his Chikorita friend wasn't around anymore. Unless people kept the whole disappearance a piece of confidential information and Saltriv was meant to be in some summer location or whatever, meaning that nobody at the village/town suspected anything until recently.

This was a lot to take in. First off, Pokemon had school here?! Was there an entire civilization of Pokemon in this world? Leon, whoever that was, and Saltriv had both gone missing for quite a while, apparently. And there was a Patrat that had gone shadowy, whatever that meant, and Burhalla had thought Saltriv did too? Did that have anything to do with that shadowy aura I saw around the Pokemon back on that platform, including Saltriv?

Yeah! That's something I've been wondering as well! Thanks for echoing my thoughts!

I had to do something against this. Come on, what moves did Oshawotts know? Water gun? Totodiles can know it, so maybe other water-type starters can as well? How do I do it, though? Do I just say it? Just point at it? Just imagine doing it? Couldn’t hurt to try all three at once. I pointed my free arm at the Pokemon, and yelled, “Water gun!” trying to imagine a stream of water being shot at it.

Wrong genre, mate. This isn't some magical girl show where the protagonists yell their commands.

The bird Pokemon tried to peck at me again, only for a glint to appear in Saltriv’s eyes, and out of nowhere, a rock crashed down upon it. It crashed to the ground, and the rock crumbled into dust.

Oooh! Is that Ancient Power? Nice!

“Are you ok?” Burhalla asked. Saltriv looked at me in concern. Both of them had their eyes wet with tears.

My, they both seem fairly sensitive. Sweeties. ;-;

Before I could try to formulate a response, I heard snickering behind me. I turned around, only to see Saltriv seemingly trying to suppress a laugh.


“What is it,” I said.

I think this should have a question mark?

“You really don’t remember how to use moves, do you? You can’t just yell the name of the move and have it work!” Saltriv answered between giggles.


“I don’t remember how moves work,” I answered. It wasn’t a complete lie.

That's called a white lie.

“Besides you and Leon, Treecko, Sneasel, Morpeko, Orbeetle, even Flapple. And that's just the ones I knew personally,” Burhalla responded, melancholy evident in his voice.

Huh. Okay, now I wonder why some Pokémon have names and others don't. My first theory is that "Chikorita" is the formal name, while "Saltriv" is the informal name used with family and friends. Seems a common approach.

“My mom and dad...are they still ok?”


“I'd have told you if they weren't. I'm not my father. I don't lie about things like that.”


There was bitterness in Burhalla’s voice as he said that.


This was bad. This was very bad. If he found out I was lying about not remembering anything, I'd be alone in this world. I was in too deep now to admit to things, either. He'd never believe me. The only thing I could do was keep up the act and hope he never finds out.

Weeell, that's not gonna make things even more awkward, nope!

“Something’s coming,” I bluffed without thinking. No! That wouldn’t work, unless I got extraordinarily lucky.

Before he could ask, a small Pokemon wrapped in leaves entered the room we were in through the single corridor. I breathed a sigh of relief, only to be cut short as I was covered in silk. The sensation of the sticky string against my new fur was not pleasant in the slightest.

Hey! Don't go around pretending to be Phoenix Wright! Only he is allowed to make bluffs that work somehow! :p

I was pretty sure Chikoritas couldn’t learn Ember, so where did that second one come from? I didn’t see anyone else in the room besides me, Saltriv, Burhalla, and the now-fainted Sewaddle. Was that just a move I had never seen before? Double Ember?

Huh... Couldn't Burnhalla have used Ember here? Why did his thoughts go to Saltriv using the move?

“I just sorta...felt it, I guess,” I lied. I was digging myself deeper, but it was too late at this point for me to be honest.

You could have just said you had heard a rustle. Easier to justify, especially with your otter ears.

It was filled with Pokemon. There was a Skiddo to our left, and a Poochyena a bit farther in that direction. To our right, there was a Weedle next to a brown Pokemon that resembled a Pachirisu. On the far side of the room, there was a small Pokemon I didn’t recognize covered in grass and twigs, and the staircase was to the right of it.

All of them turned to face us.

Monster House! Monster House! Monster House!!

“Run for it!” yelled Burhalla. I immediately complied, hurrying towards the stairs as fast as I could manage, hyperventilating as I ran. This was terrifying!

Wise decision.

Burhalla rushed straight through the room, and did two Embers in rapid succession at the Pokemon near the staircase, running forth as the Skiddo chased after him. Saltriv swerved around to the right, briefly pausing as the Weedle jabbed its stinger at them, but continuing onwards, tackling the Pachirisu-like Pokemon on their way. I tried to keep up, but I was knocked to the ground by the Poochyena tackling me. I tried to get myself back upright, only for it to bite my forehead right where that bird Pokemon had attacked me before. I yelped as pain flooded through my body, amplified as it tackled me once more.

Ow! Those attacks sound pain, especially the bite at the forehead! >.<

The moment we reached the room at the top of the stairs, I collapsed, breathing heavily. Luckily, the room seemed to be empty save for us, the staircase, and corridors to my left and right. Hopefully it would stay that way long enough for me to recuperate.


Saltriv broke the silence. “Oww...I think that Weedle poisoned me,” they said, before turning towards me. “Do you still have that pecha berry? I need it.”


I looked down at my left arm, and saw that, somehow, I had been able to hold onto it through all that. That made no sense whatsoever, but neither did a lot of things that happened since I woke up on that platform. Either way, Saltriv needed the berry. I nodded, and handed it over to them. The moment it was near Saltriv, they devoured it.

And with this, that's the second time you helped Saltriv.

“That was terrifying! I never want to go into a monster house again!” Saltriv exclaimed a few steps into the corridor.


“I don’t think that was a monster house. With monster houses, the Pokemon drop from the ceiling. That didn’t happen back there. There weren’t any items there, either,” Burhalla responded. “I think we just got very unlucky. But we’ve made it through that, and we’re almost home.”

...It wasn't? I guess you interrupted a pajama party or something, then. ;p

As I gazed at the light, I realized something.

I had very little idea what this world was like outside mystery dungeons. I barely had a clue about what life was like here.

Would I need to hunt for food, or did stores exist here? Would I need to sleep outside, or had Pokemon invented houses in this place?

Even if stuff like stores and houses were a thing here, I didn’t have any of this world’s money. Did it even have any, actually? Were goods here provided on some other merit, like battles won or something?

I did not know in the slightest. And if I didn’t wake up back home in Goldenrod tomorrow, I’d need to know.

I needed someone to help show me how this world worked, and maybe get me a place to stay, at least until I get back home.

Those are all valid concerns. Kinda reminds me the experiences of castaways who had to learn how to survive with what nature had to offer. And I bet Gen doesn't have survival skills nor read a survival manual, huh?

But worry not, mate. Things won't be as rough as you think.

“Can I go with you two? I don’t have anywhere else to go,” I asked the two.

Burhalla smiled. “Of course! I already offered to bring you to the mayor to see if she could help.” His smile faded a bit. “Did you forget that too?”

Right. With everything that had happened in here, that slipped my mind.

“No, I just...a lot happened,” I responded.

Can't blame you for that.

“Maybe you could start keeping a journal to help you remember things!” Saltriv suggested.

Or to keep some of your sanity intact.

“Let’s go home,” Burhalla said.


The three of us walked into the light.

And as such, a new adventure began!

---

General Overview:

I'd say that these three chapters do an excellent job at setting things up. The Kingdom Hearts-like beginning that transitioned into a more classical Mystery Dungeon vibe was really fluid and atmospheric.

I wonder if we'll have more KH-based events and whether this KH vibe will carry on in some way. From what I can tell, shadowed Pokémon seem to be the equivalent of Heartless, but will we get stuff like hearts and light as main themes, too? I suppose only time can tell, but I'm definitely curious to see if that will have some relevance in the future.

Now, about the characters, I'd say that both Pokémon have left quite the impact already. Saltriv going missing for months has a lot of potential for drama, as in they surely are unaware of what happened while they were gone. And Burnhalla disliking lies can set up a potential conflict with Gen, who is painting himself a web of lies to cover himself.

Speaking of Gen, hmm... So far he's a bit nebulous as a character. Other than his nervousness and the fact that he used to be a human living in Goldenrod, there isn't much to tell about him. I guess that's intentional, as we're meant to get more into his mentality and point of view as the story progresses, but I kinda feel he's a bit too... audience surrogate. However, if he's meant to be like that and closer to the heroes from the PMD games, that's fine, too. That's just the impression I've got.

Then, there is the mysterious pair with yellow and azure speech. I've got to say that I liked that concept -- it's very unique! But as I've mentioned in the line reacts, the fact that we get through their points of view so suddenly and with little visual cues, it takes a while for the audience to know who they are. I assume they are Arcozolt, but I know that only because I've seen that name thrown around many times. A random reviewer who doesn't know about the world behind your story might take longer to connect the dots. I'd try to make that part a bit clearer.

But speaking of the world, I really like the setup so far. The dungeon truly felt like a dungeon, and I liked how the titles mentioned the floors. Made me really think that I was reading a PMD game in prose form. It was a neat detail!

Don't have much else to say, other than you seem to be underestimating your prose a bit. It's very easy to read and digest, so I'd say that's its strength. Maybe you could feel disappointed to not have colorful or deep prose, but I assure you that's not mandatory. As long as you manage to get a feeling through your words, a simpler prose is fine. And I'd say you succeeded with this task.

That's all for now! Great stuff, I loved it! Can't wait to get to read more chapters! :lovepix:

Until next time~

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Full disclosure, for the longest time I was hesitant to write a review for this chapter since I had already gotten a chance to look under the hood when it was being put together, and left quite a few beta-level critiques as it was being written. That said, I think that it's been more than long enough since that time for me to go back with a fresh mind, spot some things that I overlooked, and write up some banter along the way.

So without further ado...

Chapter 11

I don't think I ever could get used to riding the Carkol Express.

Every few seconds, the carriage we were in would jolt one way or another. The bumpy ride was so shaky, it felt like the whole train would fall apart at any moment.

The small Pokemon in the near-front carriage were probably doing fine. Those cubbyholes along the walls were padded and came in enough different sizes that any small Pokemon could fit snugly in one. The jostling wouldn't affect them much while resting in those.

The large Pokemon in the back three carriages were probably doing well, too. The three carriages in the back of the train were like entire houses, large enough to hold a Copperajah comfortably. Anyone large enough to need to ride in one of those carriages would probably barely feel the near-constant bumps.

That just left us medium sized Pokemon, in the constantly shaking middle carriages.

Acacia: "Wait, why are we not riding in those rear carriages again?" >_>;
Lidequir: "... They didn't have space for us to book tickets? I mean, the text did say there were other passengers this thing, so..." [joltyshrug]

The green metal loops on the floor did help a bit. There were a few snake Pokemon coiled around some of them, and some plant Grass-type Pokemon with vines wrapped around them, such as myself. But there was only so much they could do to steady us against the jolts.

At least the perches hanging from the ceiling for flying Pokemon seemed like they were doing their job well. The seats on the sides for bipedal Pokemon similarly looked alright. The gray eyedrop wood they were made of didn't seem too comfortable, but they had handles to hold onto, and at least they offered a clear view through the windows.

Almost the whole train was made of eyedrop wood. The naturally gray planks glistened as sunlight shined on them. Even without any paint to accent them, the wood looked pretty, and it was even fireproof!

No matter how good the train's interior looked, it didn't change how much shaking the Pokemon who rested on the floor like me felt. Even with my vines wrapped around the loop, it felt like I was being thrown in a different direction every few seconds.

Who on earth designed this rickety contraption?

… Oh, right. We did.

For the record, as someone who saw what the first draft of this sequence looked like, I really do feel that the final version improved quite a bit over it. Since it shows off a very thought-out and imaginative take on what a train made for Pokémon by Pokémon might look like. Whenever you get around to touching up your earlier chapters, I suspect they'll similarly "pop" quite a bit from just taking the time to show off the world and its details a bit more.

Acacia: "Why on earth did we ever think this was okay?" >_>;
Lidequir: "Hey, it's our first train! Every prototype has a few kinks that need to get worked out here and there!"

"Looks like we're almost there!" Lidequir said, looking out one of the windows. "The view in this is pretty great, huh, Acacia?"

"Yep...though it's definitely a lot bumpier than a Lapras for sure," I replied, as the train went over another bump and made the entire car shake. How did the Thunder Continent's Pokemon manage to use this thing daily?

"I dunno, it's certainly less bumpy than trying to ride a Lapras on land," the Wartortle chortled. "Certainly faster too. I don't think there's anyone here who can walk from Moonlight Town to Overcast Village in an hour."

You know, for a 'mon who allegedly has a terrible sense of humor, that one was pretty good. :V

… Lidequir sure seemed to be taking the ride on this contraption in stride. I wonder if she ever rode on any trains when she was human.

When Gen took us on visits to the human world, the trains we rode while there were super stable, but definitely weren't built with Meganiums in mind. The loops to hang onto were on the ceiling, the cold metal floor was uncomfortable to stand on, and there was no sunlight in those underground tunnels. The trains we helped invent here are less stable, but anyone could ride them comfortably. Well, "comfortably" if you could overlook the train doing its best to knock you to the floor every few seconds.

Pretty big reveal there. While it works as-is, I kinda wonder if there'd be more impact building up and hinting at this in prior chapters involving the past heroes before giving the final reveal in this chapter. Something to consider if you do pull the trigger on that touch-up.

Lidequir: "You know, we could've just taken those human designs and added carpeted flooring or something." :|
Acacia: "Lidequir, we don't have the industrial base for that yet!" >_>;

But Lidequir was right. Looking out a window, I could see mountains and hills passing by. They were beginning to give way to trees and a steadily-thickening mist, along with a brief view of a field of flowers in the distance, stretching out for who knows how long. Even if it'd soon be blotted out by the fog that made gave Overcast Village its name, the view along the Carkol Express' route really was nice.

Couple of tweaks to verb tensing and the like that slipped my notice back in the day.

"Ayueg? Leviene? How about you?" I asked the Combusken and Bayleef standing across from us. "What do you think of the train?"

"Hrmph, the sooner we get off, the better," Ayueg said, tapping one of his talons on the floor. "It's way too loud."

[ ]

"Er… yep, there's definitely a lot of noise when riding this train," I said. The racket that happened every time the train jostled was already uncomfortable for me. I didn't want to imagine what being a passenger was like for Pokemon with more sensitive ears.

I think this bit probably would've worked a little better in retrospect if there was one of those loud noises that cut in right after Ayueg's line, and then Acacia could react and comment on it. Doesn't have to be anything super fancy. Two sentences would likely do the trick.

Acacia: "Guess we should've invested in a set of earplugs for this ride too. Was it really too much to just invest in an air taxi ride for everybody?" >_>;
Lidequir: "... Pretty sure that's still slower than just taking the train, so..."

Suddenly, I heard a loud screeching noise that made me feel like my petals were going to fall off. Most of us lurched forward, and I saw Leviene fall off their feet entirely from the train carriage's jolting. The view outside started slowing down along with the train carriage, until we came to a stop.

"'e're here!" came a loud voice, as Carkoal rolled in from the lead carriage. "'veryone aboard for Overcast Village, it's time to get off! 'e depart for Coulomb City in five minutes!"

"First things first, let's get back on our feet," I said, extending a vine to help Leviene off the floor where they had fallen. The Carkol Express was supposed to be based off human technology... so shouldn't it be able to come to smoother stops? Even if they weren't comfortable to stand around in, I certainly didn't remember any human trains stopping like this.

"Thanks!" Leviene said as they grabbed my vine and I pulled them upright. "That was wild! I can't wait to go on a train ride again!"

I sighed, and my petals drooped at the edges.

Acacia: "..."

Leviene: "What? It was quite the ride!" ^^

"... I know you were Mew before, but I still don't understand you, Leviene," I replied as we all walked out of the carriage, and into Overcast Village.

Oh boy, I can imagine that Leviene's a riot at team meetings. Since I remember what Mew from PSMD was like, and that was quite the personality.

As we stepped off the train and into the fog, my antennae perked up, and I felt my petals release a soothing aroma. The buildings about the train station were the same as they always were, but leaves of the tree in the center of the Tree Plaza were beginning to change with the seasons, with a bit of red peeking through the mist-shrouded sea of green.

I actually completely forgot about it, but unless it's uncharacteristically sunny in Overcast Village today... you probably want to remind the readers that it's foggy out, since yeah, it's always been consistently described as fairly thick.

Overcast Village was where my sister Sturece lived with her mate Arbstea and Saltriv, their child. It always felt nice to visit here, especially in the autumn. Though there was something about this visit that felt off to me. I slowed as I looked up at the red-tipped leaves on the plaza's tree, when my thoughts turned to Saltriv.

… Right, they'd been missing for three entire months, and had just been found again by a friend of theirs in the village. Even without that potential human in the mix, no wonder why things felt off about this trip.

I should check up on them as soon as possible. Had Saltriv been alright while they were missing? Did they get hurt or scared? Sturece made it sound like they'd been doing alright, but I couldn't help but wonder...

In retrospect, Acacia's paragraph probably sounds better cut up into two paragraphs, since it better sells the idea of a "pause" that's happening.

Acacia: "... Right, I probably should've tried asking Sturece for more details about how she was doing." ._.
Lidequir: "Well you're in town now, just ask Saltriv to their face."

I turned to look towards Team Travelers to discuss what our plan was while in Overcast Village, but Lidequir already beat me to the punch and was already speaking.

"Team Travelers, how about you two go talk to the mayor and see what you can find out about the monster?" my partner said. "Me and Acacia will go see Saltriv and look into that Oshawott."

I know it's a cosmic coincidence, but that name still gets me. Reminds me of when I was reading A Confession earlier in Review Blitz. :V

"Got it!" Leviene said, their leaf swishing from side to side. "Come on, Ayueg! Let's go see Mayor Jellicent!"

"Alright," Ayueg said, with a small smile on his beak, as he and Leviene walked deeper into the fog.

As the Bayleef and Combusken disappeared from view, Lidequir turned towards me. "You go on ahead," she insisted. "I'll go look around and see how bad the shadow Pokemon situation is here. We'll touch base in an hour or two."

I blinked for a moment and craned my head back at Lidequir. We did almost everything together as teammates, so why was she skipping out here?

Acacia: "I mean, I know I give you an earful about your sense of humor, but seriously, what's going on, Lidequir?"

"But don't you want to see Saltriv, too?" I asked. "It has been a while since you two last met."

"Well, yeah, but it can wait. After all, Saltriv deserves to see their uncle first after everything they've been through, and it'd be a bit awkward if I got in the way of them pouring their heart out to you, don't you think?" Lidequir said, giving a sheepish smile as she rubbed the back of her head. "Besides, I have a joke in mind, and I don't think I could stop myself from blurting it out if I went with you."

I frowned a bit at Lidequir's mention of having a joke in mind. While Lidequir was a faithful teammate, her… sense of humor left a lot to be desired at times. Maybe it would be for the best to take her up on the suggestion.

Acacia: "I don't think I even want to know." >_>;
Lidequir: "Oh come on, it'd have been appropriate, at least! What sort of story do you think we're in, Acacia?"

"Alright, then. If you're sure," I said, before catching myself. I narrowed my eyes, since the thought just occurred to me that there was another reason why Lidequir might want some alone time here in Overcast Village.

"... Though this isn't something you're doing to goof off with your joke buddy, is it?"

Lidequir chuckled. "That obvious, huh? Yeah, I was gonna check in with Togetic. I've come with a few one-liners that are sure to help her put smiles on people's faces."

Lidequir's being irreverant as ever, I see. :V

Acacia: "... Of course." -_-;

Lidequir shook her head with a chuckle, before looking back with a more serious expression.

"But I wasn't joking about going to see what the state of the shadow Pokemon situation is," she insisted. "And I did mean all the stuff I said about you and Saltriv. I don't want to ruin your reunion."

I sighed, but was smiling. I didn't know how much I believed Lidequir there given that she was always the joking type, but she seemed earnest at least. "Be sure to say hi to Togetic for me, and tell her that I appreciated the letter she sent us. It was really sweet of her to do that."

"Can and will do!" Lidequir said with a pump of her arm. The Wartortle began to walk into the fog, calling back to me as she faded into the mist. "I'll see you in a bit, Acacia."

"See ya in a bit, Lidequir," I replied, as I began heading towards Sturece's house.

At some point, we need to see Lidequir and Togetic together onscreen, since I can already hear the rest of the hero gang's groaning displeasure from there being a second party with Lidequir's sense of humor. o<o

[ ]

"Did Polteageist really bake a cake that big?" I asked my sister, as my eyes widened.

"Yep! For all the Pokemon with family or friends that went missing, and all the shadow Pokemon that had been purified," the other Meganium answered, gesturing the size of the cake with her vines. "She said it was the least she could do after all that we've been through.

I'd personally drop in a line of description to the effect of "Oh yeah, I made it to Sturece's. Same old furnishings, same old sister, same old family. Everything as it ought to have been." It makes the Polteageist line a bit less jarring with that sort of setup.

"That's wonderful!" I replied, smiling. "It's nice to hear everyone in the village is coming together to help the Pokemon affected by [this]."

I'd be a bit more explicit about what "this" is in this context. e.x. "this Shadowification crisis" or something like that.

It was always nice catching up with Sturece in person. Letters and connection messages were great, but it just wasn't a substitute for meeting my sister face to face.

"Yep. You've gotta look after each other in times like this. I'm sure you've heard enough about that, though, with being a hero and all," Sturece said, before craning her neck towards me. "Though we've been trying to help Saltriv adjust back to normal life since we found them. So they're having a sleepover with friends tonight!"

My eyes widened. "Really? I thought you said you weren't going to let them have another one for at least a year after what happened last time." I trusted my sister's judgement, but this felt a bit too quick after Saltriv's last sleepover.

I'm still curious as to what that entailed, since... yeah, a year's a long time for a moratorium on anything even for a human being. And Pokémon depending on canon can grow up really fast.

Sturece's petals drooped. "Well, that was before they disappeared. They've been gone for so long, and I don't want to deny them this after everything," my sister said, leaning her neck back slightly. "Plus, they've just completed a search mission, and—"

[ ]

"They joined a search party?!" I interjected, my antennae tensing up. I knew Sturece wanted Saltriv to get used to normal life again, but surely this was rushing things. "So soon after they got back?!"

It might make sense to have Acacia do something like jolt up from his seat reflexively from this reveal. Since... yeah, Saltriv's made a big life change in like 3 days since coming back after falling off the face of the planet, and it'd logically be a bit startling.

"Yep. They formed it just yesterday morning," Sturece answered, puffing her petals out in pride. "It's called Team Searchlights, and they've already found and purified a shadow Pokemon!"

[ ]

"How'd they get their equipment so soon to do a search mission already?" I asked. My mind was racing. I felt conflicted. I was proud of Saltriv for making a search party, and doing that brave work, but also worried about how they'd fare, given they just got back to Overcast Village after going through who-knows-what for three months.

This section might benefit from dropping in some sort of "time-filler" reaction from Acacia's part. Something like pausing briefly with a "what" reaction or the like.

"Well...they did their first mission without telling me or Arbstea, and before they were registered as an official search party," she said, looking down. "I didn't want to punish Saltriv a mere day after they got back, though, so I let the matter slide. Plus, they did rescue Flapple during their first mission. It just wouldn't be right if I punished them for saving another Pokémon like that."

"That's understandable. I don't think I'd have the heart to punish them after such a heroic deed, either. Though hopefully a start like that's a good omen for Team Searchlights becoming a great search party," I said. I still felt conflicted, but if they were able to purify a shadow Pokemon before even receiving their equipment, I had faith in them. There was something else I was wondering, though.

I mean, yeah. Kinda hard to say 'no' to your kid after getting them back seemingly out of the blue. I do have to wonder if Sturece would've been more aggressive about trying to get in the way of Saltriv's ambitions to go out as part of a search party if she'd gotten wind of it earlier on, though.

"Actually... who else is on Team Searchlights, Sturece?" I asked, tilting my head.

"Well, Saltriv's best friend Burhalla also joined the team," Sturece said, smiling again. "And...you know that Oshawott I told you about? The one with amnesia? He's the third member."

"Wait, really?" I asked, my petals straightening. If this amnesiac Oshawott had already joined a search party…

"Did he mention anything about being a human?" I asked, leaning closer. [ ]

"You know I'm not the type to keep secrets, Acacia. I would have told you if he did," Sturece said, glancing off to the side. "Doesn't seem like he's the next human, unfortunately. Though… there was one thing that has me thinking."

I think that it might make sense to drop in some sort of body language or reaction from Sturece's part in those brackets there.

I sighed. Seems like this is another dead end. Unless...

"What was it?" I asked, shaking with anticipation. Hopefully, this could give us at least a clue. "Though whether or not the Oshawott's human, what's his name? You never mentioned it in your letter."

"Well...that's the thing," my sister said, looking at me with narrowed eyes. "He told us his name was Gen."

My eyes widened. That was huge. Thoughts of the Gen I knew and the mailbox from yesterday ran through my head. [ ] "Why didn't you mention that sooner?"

It probably makes sense to spell out a bit more clearly why this is so exciting for Acacia. Namely that the letter they found was addressed to a human named Gen, but their Gen didn't recognize it. So here there's an Oshawott with a descriptive profile that matches the MO of a human, that also matches up with the letter. Something along the lines of:

[ There was a letter meant for a human named 'Gen', but ours didn't recognize it. And here, right when Saltriv came back, was an Oshawott whose profile sounded just like those of the humans on our team. It couldn't all just be a coincidence, could it? ]

"I didn't want to overwhelm you," Sturece said, laying a vine on my neck. "There's already everything going on with the shadow Pokemon, and I'm sure you already heard about the monster lurking around town. I thought with all that happening, it'd be irresponsible not to ease you into what's going on with Gen."

I sighed, but smiled nonetheless. Though it annoyed me that she waited to tell me this, I was glad Sturece was looking out for me. I honestly probably would have gotten overwhelmed if she told me in the letter. Even 35 years on from when after Lidequir and I first became heroes, I still get overwhelmed under pressure easily.

"You're just as thoughtful as ever, Sturece," I said, giving my sister a playful brush of her antennae. "Thanks for looking out for me."

Not something you'd normally associate with a hero, but I'm not opposed to it. Heroes that have to work through or overcome their weaknesses have always been more compelling to me as characters anyways.

"Not a problem, Acacia," my sister said, lightly batting one of my petals. "So… did you and your teammates have any ideas about this Gen?"

"Honestly, given everything we know, I'm pretty sure he's must be the Pokémon we're looking for. The only problem is that he didn't mention anything about being a human. Even then, that's not exactly conclusive evidence against him. Why, when Lidequir first came to this world, she only told me she was human at first. Though I suppose nobody asked if she was human until… that moment happened after we first met Xatu," I said, twitching my antennae. "Actually. Now that I think about it, all of the humans we know of had something similar happen to them. Nobody but their partner knew they were human until they were asked."

I have to wonder if Lidequir was a joker before that moment with the RBDX pursuit arc or if that's something she developed later on. Since... yeah, as much crap as Acacia gives her about her sense of humor, that probably would've been reassuring to have around after seeing your entire village turn on you at the drop of a hat. Whole "ray of sunshine on a cloudy day" thing.

Sturece shook her head. "I know, and I thought about that, but Saltriv didn't say anything about Gen bringing that up, and they would've told me if he did. And when I asked Gen myself what he remembered, he said he only remembered his name and how to do a few things."

That's true. Saltriv wasn't the type to keep secrets, and surely they would have told that to at the very least their family. And if Acacia had already asked Gen directly about his memories and he didn't mention being human, that almost completely ruled him out.

Would emphasize the "wouldn't" there (as italics, the bold is just to help you find it).

Unless… "I know it's a stretch, but… maybe this 'Gen' you found forgot he used to be human?" I asked, my petals perking up."

My sister's eyes widened. "I hadn't considered that at all. You know what, maybe that could be explain it!" she exclaimed.

"Only problem is that every other human actually remembered being human, though it wouldn't be the first time a pattern with the humans brought to this world was broken," I said, smiling widely. "For example, Ayueg was never sent back to the human world like the others."

... That actually makes me curious as to what Ayueg thinks of modern technology in the human world, since barring time dilation between worlds, isn't he canonically 10,000 years old? If the flow of time between this world and the human one is constant... yeah, the human world would be very different from how he remembered it on his first trip back.

"Well, you told me Gengar wasn't either, but point taken," Sturece replied, before glancing to the side. "It's just wild to think that I might be taking care of a human. Though… if you're right and this Gen really is human, would that mean that Saltriv is his partner?"

"I believe they would be. Everyone's partners in the past were the one of the first Pokémon that a human called to this world met," I said, laying a vine on her neck again. "I… know you're probably worried about them, but I'm sure they'll be just fine. Everything worked out for me, right?"

Acacia: "... Well, except Gengar, but he wasn't exactly normal there." ^^;

"I know Saltriv would be a wonderful partner, but…" my sister said, looking down. "It's still scary to think my own child might be tasked with saving the world. After all, even your own adventures with Lidequir would've ended horribly if you two weren't such good teammates or hadn't had some good luck at a few points."

I couldn't help but know she was right. Absol showing up to save us from Articuno and subsequently joining our team, and Ninetales stopping Team ACT just before they could finish us off were both lucky breaks that saved our lives. Even that tiny reviver seed Butterfree gave us for our first rescue was crucial in during our climb up Sky Tower.

Honestly, if you ever have the bandwidth to do Special Episodes or gaiden one-shots for whatever reason, some of these implied incidents between the past canonworld heroes would be fun to see little ficlets written up about them. Since the bit about Butterfree's Reviver Seed seems like there's quite the story behind it, even if it's admittedly not relevant to ES' plot.

Even so… "Maybe, but I think we're getting ahead of ourselves. We don't know if this Gen is even human to begin with," I said, moving my vine closer to her head. "As much as I'm hoping he's the one, it's unlikely he'd just forget about being human."

My sister's antennae drooped. "I don't know… I have my doubts, but…" Sturece trailed off as she looked back up at me. "You're right. Saltriv probably won't need to save the world. And even if they do… I'm sure they'll do wonderfully."

"That's the spirit!" I cheered. I was about to suggest preparations just in case Saltriv really was the next human's partner, when out of the corner of my vision, I saw a red leaf enter the room and bound up to me.

"Uncle Acacia!" they said, moments before my vines wrapped around them in a tight hug.

"Saltriv! I'm so glad you're ok!" I said. I felt their own vines wrap around me in turn. For a moment, all my worries about the next human had faded, replaced with the joy of seeing my nibling again.

"How have you been?"

Saltriv: "Er... f-fine? T-Totally don't have any weird and freaky shadowy things going on right now."

Acacia: "... Wouldn't that much be obvious?"

"I've been doing great! It was a little scary finding out I've been missing for months, but everything else has been good!" they said with a wave of their leaf. I saw Sturece's vines wrap around them in a second hug.

"Oh, there you are, Saltriv!" she said, all the worry on her face from before gone. "Did Burhalla's dad agree to the sleepover?"

"Yep! Burhalla told me so!" Saltriv replied with a bright smile. "I'm so excited! I already have so much planned for tonight!"

I have to wonder if Burhalla's dad just went along with that or if Burhalla had to arm twist him about "but you lied about mom" to get him to agree.

"That's wonderful!" my sister said, with a smile matching Saltriv's. "Just be sure you three behave tonight, alright?"

My petals perked up at the sight of Saltriv being so happy. It was wonderful to know that they're doing well, despite everything.

"So I heard you made a search party," I said as I let go of them. "How's that been going?"

"Really great! We're called Team Searchlights, and we already found and purified a shadow Pokemon on our first mission! And our equipment arrived this morning!" Saltriv said, before they caught themselves and their eyes widened. "Wait, I mean—"

Saltriv: "(Boy is it a good thing that I didn't also blurt out that I used Shadow Half when my lips were that loose.)"

"It's alright, Saltriv. Your mom already told me about it," I told them, moving my vine back and forth across their head. "Even if you shouldn't have gone off without equipment like that, I'm not mad. I'm proud of you for saving Flapple."

The smile on their face returned. "Thanks, Uncle Acacia."

I smiled warmly down at them. Pokemon's lives were more important than any rules.

Not that that isn't a touching sentiment, but that sounds like a fast way to blunder into problems depending on the context you're in. Since most rules exist for a reason.

"And how about that sleepover?" I asked, retracting my vine. "What kinds of things are you planning to do for it?"

"Lots of things! We're going to have treats, and games, and a pillow fight, and I'm still working out the rest, but there'll be lots more!" Saltriv said, their tail wagging rapidly. "I actually was stopping by here to ask mom to help me get a few things for it."

"Oh, really? What do you need?" Sturece asked.

"Some treats from Polteageist's Café!" Saltriv said, looking up at her. "Can you help me get them?"

- Acacia side-eyes at Sturece -
Acacia: "(Er... is it really a good idea to let Saltriv and their friends have a bunch of sweets at night?)"
Sturece: "(Eh, it's just this once. And they're back after months of absence. We can make an exception.)" ^^;

"Of course," my sister said, before turning towards me. "I'll go help them get the treats. It shouldn't take too long, we can talk some more when I'm back."

"Alright. See you soon," I said, as the two began to walk out of the house.

"Bye, Acacia!" Saltriv said, waving their leaf just before they disappeared from view.

It was nice to see Saltriv doing so well. I was so proud to hear how they'd been doing well already on a search party. Why from what I saw of them just from our meeting, you'd never have guessed they more or less fell off the face of the planet for three months.

Before long, I heard footsteps approaching, and turned around, seeing a tiny Oshawott wearing a reunion cape looking up at me. This must be the Oshawott Sturece mentioned. He's so small and tiny, almost like a little sprout compared to Saltriv. His name was also Gen, right? Just like our Dewott friend? Talk about your coincidences, but I should probably come up with something to distinguish the two if they're ever together... I think I'll call him Mini Gen for now. After all, the name fits, doesn't it?

Gen: "... Remind me why on earth am I even entering the same room you instead of staying shut up in my room again?"

Acacia: "Because I don't bite and just had a couple of questions for you? Besides, wouldn't it get lonely being all on your own in a room for hours on end?"
- Beat moment -
Gen: "... Right. That'd be a thing." ._.;

"Uh, are you Acacia? From Team Seedlings?" Mini Gen said. I could see his tail quivering behind him. Was Mini Gen really a human after all? If so, it would explain a few things. Maybe he was still feeling frightened about losing his memories. Or maybe he was frightened about being in an unfamiliar body.

Nevertheless, scaring him won't do any good. The poor little guy clearly needs comfort. I extended a vine, laying it on his head. He flinched at first, before looking back towards me, his expression slightly calmer.

"I am. It's nice to meet you. What's your name, Oshawott?" I asked, despite being sure I already knew the answer. It was best to ask him first, so as to not frighten him.

"Gen," Mini Gen said, giving a tiny smile. "Did you really save the world? Saltriv told me your team did."

Gen: "Also, do I want to know how your world almost ended given that I'm stuck here in it right now?" .-.
Acacia: "We... should probably take things one step at a time."

"That's right, we climbed up to Rayquaza's domain, and helped them find and destroy a falling star that was causing natural disasters!" I said, puffing out my petals in pride. "We also helped a Gengar who used to be a human make amends with a Ninetales and rescue his Gardevoir partner, even after he caused us to be chased halfway across the Air Continent."

Mini Gen's eyes widened. "Really? He was a human?"

"Yep! It's a long story, really, but the gist of it is that he was turned into a Pokemon as part of a curse after touching a Ninetales' tail," I said, looking Mini Gen directly in the eyes. Now would be a good time to segue into what I needed to ask. "Though on that topic… what do you know about humans, Gen?"

Mini Gen looked down at the ground, frowning. "Nothing, really. Just that there's Pokemon pretending to be them."

Acacia: "You do realize that you're blinking like crazy right at this moment, right?"

Gen: "I-I just have some dust in my eyes! That's all!" O_O;

"That's all you know about them?" I asked, craning my neck towards him. "There's been a lot of Pokemon talking about humans around the Thunder Continent, including rumors that one has come to this world recently. Haven't you heard anything of them?"

"I'm sorry, but that's really all I know," Mini Gen said, putting his arms against the sides of his reunion cape. "I… have amnesia. I don't remember anything from before two days ago."

I keep forgetting that it's technically been that little time since Gen came out of the woods. Since... yeah, that did not feel like it was only two days' worth of events. ^^;

Huh. I was really sure he knew at least something about humans from his reaction to Gengar... Either he's truly forgotten that he's human, or he really isn't human after all. Maybe the human test will clear things up.

I reached into my bag with a vine, and pulled out a small book, labeled "Human Writing Samples". I held it in front of Mini Gen.

"I'm going to need you to try to read some things for me, ok?" I asked, giving Mini Gen a warm smile. Hopefully that'd make him a bit less on-edge.

Narrator: "It didn't make him feel less on-edge.

"Uh, ok," Mini Gen said, as he looked up towards the book.

I opened it to the first page, which contained a sentence in a human language. "Galarish", Gen had called it. "Do these glyphs mean anything to you?" I asked. "If so, what does this say?"

"Uh, I don't know. I can't read it," Mini Gen said, looking back down.

Figures. I flipped to the next page, a sentence in Johtonese. "How about these glyphs here?"

[ ]

"I...can't read those either."

I think that it might make sense to show Gen having a bit more of a reaction in this sequence, especially to the Johtonese part since that's the language he reads and writes in, so given that Gen is lying through his teeth, it might make sense to subtly hint at that through description of his mannerisms in a way that Acacia can still confuse with something else.

I sighed, and we went through the rest of the book, filled with sentences in various other human languages. I asked him the same question, but the answer was the same every time.

As we got to the last page of the book, my petals had begun to droop. No matter what human writing or language I showed him, he couldn't read any of it.

… Maybe he really wasn't a human. But that mailbox made me wonder. Gen's name, in human writing. I had thought it was for the Gen I knew, but now that there's an amnesiac Oshawott here now named Gen, I don't think it could be a coincidence.

Hopefully one of the confirmation questions will help? Gen designed them to be things almost anyone from the human world would know, and we always updated the answers every time we visited the human world. If I asked Mini Gen a few, maybe they'd trigger a memory?

Y'all need to update your human test to try and capture "accidental humanisms" an interviewee might exhibit. Since... yeah, Gen lucked out a lot that this test basically required honest answers to work. Since depending on how many IRL otterisms apply to Oshawott in this setting something as simple as a R-G vision test and Gen's shocked reaction that he couldn't tell the difference would've been a real

moment for Acacia there.

"Do you know who the current champion of Galar is?" I asked, only for Mini Gen to tilt his head at me.

"Um, what's Galar?" he asked in return. No luck there, then. Neither did asking what a gym was, or what rangers do.

To be fair, the canonical plot to SnS was admittedly kinda forgettable, so I wouldn't blame this kid for not knowing who Leon was. >:V

Maybe just asking straight up would help? Maybe it'd trigger a memory and he'd say yes. Or he could be unsure, and say he doesn't know, and we could work more closely on helping him figure it out.

"Were you once a human?" I asked, hoping that he'd say yes, or even that he doesn't know, and we can start helping him—

"No," Mini Gen answered, looking down at the ground.

That answers that, then. Though it wouldn't hurt to make sure.

Acacia: "... Am I just giving up too easy? Maybe I should try pressing a little harder..."

"Are you completely certain? There's nothing at all that's made you even wonder before?" I asked, hoping that there was at least a tiny bit of uncertainty. A chance that the human who had arrived to save the world was this Oshawott, and we could help him immediately.

"No, nothing," Mini Gen said.

That's… unfortunate. If he's absolutely sure he's not a human, then he's almost certainly not one. After all, since when was there a human that was brought to this world that was convinced they'd always been a Pokémon?

… I'd better go tell the others. We'd come all the way out here to Overcast Village and now we had fewer leads as when we first set out. Maybe we could spend some time relaxing around town, it might help us figure out what to do from here.

"Alright. I actually should get going now since my teammate's been waiting on me, though thanks for the help, Gen," I said, before starting to trot away.

Acacia: "Well that was a giant bust..." -_-;
- Meanwhile, Gen is trying his hardest not to faint in the background -
Gen: "R-Really? That's grea- er... terrible. Really sorry to hear that."

Before I could get far, though, I heard a small squeak, and craned my neck to look back down at the little Oshawott. He was trembling, and was holding tightly onto his reunion cape. I could see some moisture on the fur around his eyes. Oh no, was I being too pushy with him? Was he feeling bad for not being able to read or answer any of that?

I walked back over towards Mini Gen, laid a vine on his head again, and gave him a soft smile. I thought about the wonder I first felt when I met Lidequir, focused it in my petals, and released an Aromatherapy to soothe him.

"You don't need to feel bad, Gen. You didn't do anything wrong," I told him, moving my vine across his head. "You actually were really helpful!"

"I was?" Mini Gen asked, looking up with wide eyes.

Gen: "(I mean, I was only lying through my teeth the entire time, but...)" ^^;

"Yep! Now we have a better idea of who you are, we'll have a better idea of what we should do, and we might even be able to help you recover your memories!" I said. Always look on the bright side, Lidequir always told me. Even though Mini Gen wasn't a human, at least we knew for sure now and we could better focus our efforts for finding the next human. And since we understood Mini Gen's situation a bit more now, it might help us with recovering his memories!

"...thank you…" Mini Gen said, before waddling closer to me, and hugging one of my front legs. I smiled brightly. He's so adorable!

"It's no problem! It's our duty to help!" I replied, wrapping a vine around him to return the hug. We hugged each other for about half a minute, before I spoke up again.

"Now, I need to go talk to my partner so we can continue helping the Pokemon here," I said, retracting my vines. "We'll do what we can help you recover your memories soon, but for now, I need to go. Ok?"

"Ok. Thanks, Acacia," Mini Gen said, letting go of me.

"I'll see you around, Gen!" I said, before trotting out of the house to tell Lidequir the news.

Gen: "(Oh thank goodness, I thought I was about to have a heart attack there.)"

And we were back to not having any leads on the next human besides that mailbox. But at least Mini Gen was really sweet!

What could be up with him, though? There were so many signs that pointed towards Mini Gen being human... but if he isn't one, then what is he?

He had amnesia, no one ever saw him before, and we found his name in the mailbox. The former two were things that most past humans brought to this world experienced, and the latter raised my suspicions even further. But Mini Gen was adamant he wasn't one, and couldn't read a human language or answer any of the questions. He couldn't have even forgotten about being human, because he was completely certain he wasn't one.

Could he be lying? No, that wouldn't make no sense. What possible reason could he have to lie, especially with Burhalla around? If he woke up in a completely unfamiliar body, wouldn't that be one of the first things he would point out?

Well, he could be paranoid and think he woke up in Mejula instead of canonworld. Not that I'd expect Acacia to know what that name meant or why it'd be a good motivator to not be open about being a human. :V

There was that whole thing when we were saving the world, though, with everyone in Pokemon Square thinking Lidequir was the cause of the disasters because he was human… and then there was what Gen and Vernir said they discovered about Munna's gang hunting down humans during the crisis of the Bittercold…

But even so, all of the humans at least told the first person they saw that they're human. Even Gengar did that with Team Meanies. Surely if Mini Gen was human, he'd have at least told Saltriv and Burhalla.

... Not that Gen knew about those, but... yeah, kinda coming up with arguments for why "he's lying" shouldn't be reflexively dismissed in real-time.

Perhaps I was looking at this from the completely wrong angle.

… It was admittedly a bit of a stretch, but could he be the partner of the new human? And the human wrote down their new friend's name, and that's why it was in the mailbox?

It wouldn't be the first time both members of a human's team had amnesia. After all, Leviene didn't remember anything about being Mew, and it seemed like a more likely scenario than two humans sharing both a name and species. It wouldn't be very much of a stretch for there to be other Oshawotts floating around out there with Gen's name. After all, I've met Chikorita sprouts in person who were named after me by their parents, even if every time I meet one makes me feel a bit weird about it. Even if the Gardeners aren't nearly as known as the rest of the world-saving teams outside of the Mist Continent, it's definitely possible that was a Samurott out there who really admired Gen, and named their pup after him.

But if Mini Gen was the next human's partner, why would he be separated from his human partner and wake up in the middle of Twig Woodland? And what happened to the human, then? And wouldn't the human have left at least a trace if they were so close to the village? Humans and their partners never showed up far apart from each other. It's so much of a stretch that it just doesn't make sense.

Acacia: "Okay, so there's exactly no past precedent for it, but am I sure that Mini Gen was being honest with me back there?"

Maybe he's just a regular Pokemon who had his memories erased by something? Maybe that monster we heard about caused it? Hadn't that happened to the Porygon-Z it attacked?

But then why was he next to Saltriv in Twig Woodland?

None of this was adding up right. Every explanation I could think of had holes. He couldn't have forgotten being human because he was certain he wasn't human. He couldn't be lying about not being human because he had no reason to. He couldn't be the human's partner because the human would have turned up by now if they had been so close to Overcast Village. And he definitely couldn't be a regular Pokemon with amnesia because he woke up next to Saltriv, after they had been missing for months.

Just what was going on with Mini Gen?

Acacia: "Mmm, nah. What are the odds?"

I stopped trembling, and breathed a sigh of relief, my tail flopping onto the floor. The entire time, I hadn't even realized it was tensed up.

That was really close. I thought that Acacia would find out my identity for sure.

What on earth was all that about, anyways? How did they already have suspicions I was a human before even meeting me? They even had some Johtonese and Unovan writing, too…

What's going on?! What did Acacia want from me?

You to answer questions. Which you did, admittedly non-truthfully and in a manner that I'm sure will cause you problems down the pipe. :V

And there's been more people than me who used to be human, like that Gengar. But that was apparently from a curse, and I hadn't been cursed… or at least I think.

Still, there were other Pokemon than just me here that were humans. Was Acacia also one, and that's why he had human writing and knew stuff about my world?

And what did all this have to do with those Pokemon who were apparently pretending to be human? Why were they doing that? Why would they want to do that?

Gen: "Boy am I really regretting not being ambiguous about whether or not I was human right now. Especially when I could've just pretended my memories were returning to me gradually..."

Everything about that meeting was so confusing. I had gotten some answers from it, but also a bunch more questions that made me feel even more lost than before.

I just want to go home… I miss the bustle of Goldenrod City, talking with Spersua, stargazing in Ilex Forest, just being with my family, visiting the flower shop just down the street...

Uh... yeah, given that it's day 2 as an Oshawott and Gen is already a nervous wreck over being away from home, I can already imagine how his anxiety issues were as a human.

Suddenly, my nose twitched, as a familiar aroma reached it. Chocolate chip cookies. They have those in this world? They smelled so good, just like the ones from home…

Though I couldn't see any source nearby for the smell. Where were they? I looked all around the front room of Saltriv's house, but I couldn't find them anywhere.

It wasn't until a minute later that Saltriv arrived from outside, carrying into the house a wooden platter of chocolate chip cookies. At least ten of them, baked to perfect chocolatey goodness. I couldn't wait to sink my teeth into them!

… But how did I smell the cookies from so far away, though?

Oh. Right. I'm an Oshawott now. I guess they must be able to smell better than humans can. … I'm not sure how to feel about that.

Gen: "... I should probably be more worried about this, but hey. Cookies!"

"Hi, Gen!" they said, waving their leaf as they set the platter on the ground. "I brought us some snacks for the sleepover!"

"Thanks! They look great!" I said, beginning to reach for one, before pausing. "... Er… I can have one, right?"

"Not yet," Saltriv said with an apologetic look. "I want to wait until the sleepover begins. You can have one as soon as it starts, though!"

Gen: "... Saltriv, you realize that cookies are best eaten when they're fresh and warm, right?" >.<
Saltriv: "Yes, but Burhalla isn't here yet. It'd hardly be fair to just gobble up the cookies before he got a chance to take any for himself."

I frowned, and stepped back away from the cookies. It wouldn't make any sense getting on the bad side of my host, guess I'll have to wait a bit longer until I can savor them.

"Hello!" I heard a familiar voice shout, and looked over to see Burhalla walking in. "Where's your parents? I thought they'd be here."

"Oh, hi Burhalla! Mom's talking with dad at the Kecleon Shop. She'll be home soon, and she'll have some more treats when she arrives!" Saltriv said, their tail beginning to wag.

"Er… hey, Burhalla," I greeted, smiling at my teammate. He smiled back.

Gen: "Also, can we have the cookies now?"
Saltriv: "Later, Gen." >_>;

"You're ready for the sleepover, Gen? I've been ready since last night!" Burhalla said with an eager grin. "I even put everything I'm bringing along in my synchronised bag, so we should all be able to use it!"

"Yeah! I'm ready," I said. I was ready as I could be, aside from not knowing Water Gun. I hoped Water Sport would work for that game Burhalla mentioned, the one that required me to know a move of my type.

Though first things first. Before we could start our game, or anything else, the sleepover had to begin.

"Uh, can we go in your room yet?" I asked Saltriv, glancing in the direction of it.

Gen: "And can we have some cook-?"
Saltriv: "Gen!" >.<
Gen: "What? Just smelling them sitting here like this is torture and you know it!" >_>;

"Of course!" Saltriv exclaimed, beginning to head towards their room. "Come on in!"

Many questions still swarmed my mind, some big, some trivial. Why did Acacia suspect I was a human? What stuff did Burhalla bring? What's been happening back home while I've been gone? What kinds of games did Pokemon play? How long until I could taste those chocolate chip cookies?

…. And how long until I can finally go home? I really hoped it wouldn't be much longer.

For now, though, I hoped I could enjoy this sleepover, even if I was currently a Pokemon. I pushed my questions from my mind, and together with Saltriv and Burhalla, I walked towards Saltriv's room, ready to have some fun and forget about my troubles for a night.

And alas, Gen's cookie cravings shall go another chapter until they're sated.

As for my overall thoughts, I thought it was a pretty cute chapter. It gave a lot of insight into the world and characters compared to past chapters. Especially for Acacia, who was honestly hard to get a read on in past chapters. The extra description you put in really helped bring both of those two alive.

Mind you, there's some areas where I felt there was still room for improvement, but I would say that on the whole, this chapter is more well-rounded than the ones earlier in ES' run, and is a handy baseline to shoot for in future writings and touch-ups. Since... yeah, you've got a memorable cast and take on canonworld there. Just be sure to put in the words to help your readers get a clear vision of it and get into their minds and mannerisms.

Happy writing, @IFBench , and I'll be looking forward to catching up with your story before Review Blitz is over.

 

[Namohysip]

Hey Bench! This one'll be a stream-of-consciousness review + feedback for chapters 9 through 12!

Continuing the story where I had left off! Looks like we are making a jump to the Super protagonists this time, with a bit of a shift from what I had been expecting. Looks to be a short chapter, so I wonder just what's being conveyed. For most of the first portion, it seems to mostly be traveling and a lot of information contextualizing their current relationship after the main story ended. It's a little slow, really, especially once we got specific directions on where to go. It seemed like a lot of information for not a lot of payoff.

That being said... I'm confused. I thought all of those strange explanations were meant to depict the fact that they were in a Mystery Dungeon town of some kind, but then there's an offhand remark that it's almost as if it is one... Implying it isn't. What would cause such zany architecture if not a Dungeon, and how in the world did they figure that sort of thing out? Is it just for a zany thing about the world? It's so detailed, but only in the sense that it's random details that could have been anything. Kind of leaves me having to suspend my disbelief on how a town can get like this, at least upfront...

And wow, an organization that focuses in getting smaller and worse supplies as they progress in rank... Wouldn't that technically encourage people to slack off to get more stuff? Not to mention that would end up making the best rescuers less effective in the most dangerous dungeons, possibly making them lose them. Especially with a Shadow Pokemon incident on the rise! It just seems like a really backwards system... Wouldn't a competing rescue system immediately rise and take all membership?

The segment where they finally arrived at the meeting, and then suddenly got a meeting with Zarude and talking about Eternatus. Bit if a sudden shift in tone, and the immediate cutaway is ominous, but that's kind of all I can really take from that. Lots of oddities there, curious where it will go!

The portion with Saltriv was another bit of a recap, which is convenient for what is a hiatus of writing from you, though I'm not sure how much it adds to the story. It's ultimately only the ninth chapter, after all. Still, good for getting a chapter out and getting back into the swing of things.

The whole synchronized bag thing is pretty cool, kind of like a technology invented to make traveling easier. I wonder if there are other uses that you can make from this as well. Being able to put an item in the bag and take it out in another nearby one has tons of potential for use and abuse, after all! I wonder, if you happened to stuff a Joltik in there... Probably only works on items, not living Pokemon.

Ha, Burhalla just calling Gen strange straight out. I guess he's one of honesty, so it's consistent. Surprised Gen didn't immediately panic, considering his track record. Progress?

Him offhandedly talking about a Psychic erasing Gen's memories suggests this is either a mundane occurrence or something, and that's pretty worrying all in itself...

Once again, we are ten chapters in and there is still a bunch of tutorial content for Gen. I suppose the world building in how moves work is nice, but I feel like it could have been summarized in a good two or three paragraphs tops. I almost feel like there could have instead been some kind of training session with Burhalla instead to make up for what happened before, or something, you know? Bonding.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa hold up, did I miss a detail? Did they just say Gen—infinity's Gen—paid visits to the human world... and brought others with him? That's a detail I either missed or overlooked, because wow! That is an extraordinary development in the world's dynamics if that is also possible. Perhaps even mind-blowing for most of them.

Speaking of world building, I appreciated the bit with how the train worked. This is one spot where spending some time explaining things is good, mostly because it's of the new region and more focused on things that are novel to the world rather than familiar to the reader. Novel content being explained is much more interesting than just filling gaps or elaborating on what's already canon.

The conversation with Gen and interrogating him on whether or not he's human... kind of surprised me with how it opened. We spend all this time in Gen's head where he's panicking and very easy to read, and now we have this moment where he is totally composed and able to convince a seasoned hero who knows a human that they aren't human? It is kind of totally contrary to what we know about Gen, isn't it? Fooling a bunch of kids and a village that doesn't know any better is one thing, but this is someone who lived with a human. How did Gen suddenly become hyper competent at deception?

Speaking of which, if what Burhalla said a while back is true and mundane, why don't they just... bring a Psychic Pokemon over to either help treat the amnesia or at least glean a thing or two? It seems like a very simple solution that hadn't even been entertained, even during that massive internal retrospective session after they parted ways.

Anyway, as an aside, I also think it's kind of funny how after four times of it happening, the past heroes more or less treat it like some kind of prophecy that there would be another human coming and they would totally have a partner with them right after. Talk about leaning in your own genre!

Chapter 12, which seems to be the last one published so far! The sleepover scene was cute, just a bunch of kids doing their thing, though I do have to remark that I'm not sure what extra purpose it provides. Oh, but elaborating on Pokemon tastes was a good one. It definitely would have been better done earlier when Gen was still learning about everything, because that could have made the shock of not even chocolate tasting the same.

Though, that does make me curious. Taste is strongly associated with smell, and it smelled exactly like chocolate to him. I wonder if it also would have had a subtly different scent as well? I suppose it doesn't matter too much.

And we have a second interrogation... and this time there's even a joke about mind reading! Gah! I don't know if it's possible or not anymore. More importantly, though, we have another instance of a seasoned vet not realizing anything despite how obviously shaky Gen is to his friends... Who only knew him for two days. It's unfortunately hard for me to believe considering all the prior chapters of Gen's character. There doesn't appear to be much of an indication from either that they are skeptical after talking to him, either.

And finally, at the end of the chapter, we have some action as the area spontaneously becomes a Dungeon. A blanket Dungeon, no less! Now, that's an interesting one... That's a strong end to this set of chapters, I think. Next chapter should have a good deal of action. See you around!

 

[Umbramatic]

Here for Review Blitz! Back at this fic again, huh? I read chapter 3!

We start with some mysterious voices, one yellow and one blue. They seem to be up to Stuff, and it's mostly inscrutable, but they know what a Unova is. Could they be from Gen's world? :O

Then we pick up with OUR HEROES proper, and they go about mystery dungeoning in whhat is certainly a mystery dungeon. You do a good job at depicting how weirdly consistent but also massively chaotic the in-game Mystery Dungeons are. This one seems to have a lot of Grass and Flying and Bug types... I laughed at Gen being "Hi friendly Pikpek! :D" before promptly being pecked on the head. I also liked the bit where they stumble into a whole group of Wild Pokemon because I wqs like "they're all going to look at the gang at once aren't they" and then they DID and I internally cackled because I love that trope apparently.

And. Of course opf course pf COURSE. Gen's web of lies expands. It grows, extends its strands, but by bit by bit. And it may seem small now, just a few l;ittle white lies keeping these strangers on his good side so theyu help him through this weiord eldritch location. But from what you have told me it will grow, and grow, and grow, and so every addition to it has me gleefully twiddling my fingers together and going "yes... haha... yes!" lke a sicko. Looking forward to how that plays out.

But seems they are going into the light. What lies on the other side? We shall find out.. Next time.

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, dusting off another RB target of mine by getting current with ES again. The same disclaimers apply to this chapter as with Chapter 11, but I’d like to think that it’s been long enough since I’ve seen this chapter that I can go back and take a sober look at stuff I might have overlooked while seeing it in the oven, and get in some fun character banter in while I’m at it.

Alright, onto the show:

Chapter 12

As I walked into Saltriv's room, I instantly saw how different it was from how I'd remembered it this morning.

There were a lot more pillows and blankets in here than before. There was a whole pile of them heaped up near the beds that was twice as tall as I was, filled with a bunch of different colors and designs. I saw one that was orange with leaf designs, and another that was turquoise with bubble designs. Near them were a couple stools, some of them stacked on top of each other, while others had stacks of books on them.

Gen: “Saltriv, why do you even have this many pillows and blankets?” .-.
Saltriv: “... In case my family ever has a ton of guests? Never can be too prepared.”

Strewn across the floor I could see a bunch of what appeared to be board games. Some, like a checkers set, I could recognize. Others, like one with 18 different colored pieces with different symbols on them, were completely foreign to me. I could also see a deck of cards, with a Squirtle, Chikorita, and Absol drawn onto the back of one of the cards.

I’m actually curious now as to how that card game works. Is it closer to PTCG or something else?

Where there used to be two beds, there were now three, one for each of us. Mine and Saltriv's were where they were before, but now there was a bed for Burhalla to the right of mine. There was a pen and a blue book sitting right next to mine near where I normally rested my head, with writing on the cover that I couldn't read. Or at least I was pretty sure it was writing. I assumed it was from the neat organization, but it oddly seemed to resemble… Pokemon footprints?

Actually, wait. How has Gen not noticed writing in and around Overcast Village all this time for 2 days? Or do they favor old-timey style pictorial signs and he just didn’t put two and two together that the Footprint Runes on them were writing instead of there to look nice? ^^;

And off on the wall on the far side of the room from the door, there was a drawing that'd been hung up on a small hook. A Chikorita with a red leaf, a Charmander with a pink scarf, and an Oshawott with a red hood all together. Saltriv, Burhalla, and…me. It took me a second to recognize that as myself.

That…was pretty cute. Did Saltriv make this for us to see tonight? I opened my mouth to ask, only to see Burhalla gape up at the picture and around at the room's furnishings, before shooting an awed stare at our Chikorita teammate.

Cute little flourish there.

"You really went all out with this!" Burhalla exclaimed.

"Yep! I spent all day working with mom and dad to get everything perfect!" Saltriv answered, curling their mouth up into a bright smile as they adjusted their vines' grip on the platter of cookies they held. "I wanted this to be the best sleepover ever!"

I mean, considering the information that has been coming between the lines of the last sleepover Saltriv had… yeah, I can see why they’d want this one to be a lot better. If this one’s also a mess, it’s probably going to be the last sleepover of their childhood. :V

"Well it certainly shows! Thank you, Saltriv!" I said. I could feel myself beginning to shake… for once it wasn't from worry or fear, but with from... excitement. It'd been so long since I'd been at a sleepover… even if I wasn't attending quite the way I'd hoped I'd be, this was going to be fun!

"Let the sleepover begin!" Saltriv exclaimed, setting the platter of cookies down. Immediately, my attention was focused on the chocolatey goodness.

"Can I have one of those now?" I asked, already beginning to walk towards the platter.

Gen:

Saltriv: “...”

Gen: “...”

Saltriv: “Just kidding, I’m pretty sure that I’m about to say ‘yes’ in like a paragraph.” ^^;

I'd been waiting since the moment I smelled them to have a chance to have one of those chocolate chip cookies. And it took all of my willpower to not just dig into the platter in front of Saltriv and Burhalla. Fortunately Saltriv seemed to pick up on my eagerness, and gave a playful smile before reaching for the platter with a vine.

"Yep! Have as many as you want!" they said, before picking a cookie up and taking a bite out of it.

Live view of Gen in about 5 seconds:

Yes! Even if everything else about this place that was different from what I knew, at least there were still chocolate chip cookies here. Why, with how good it smelled, I'm sure it tasted every bit as good as I remembered.

I quickly picked up a cookie and bit into it, excited to savor that sweet chocolatey delight. It was still warm, and I could feel the cookie break up into crumbs over my tongue when I suddenly froze.

Something was wrong. Saltriv was insistent these were chocolate chip cookies, but this didn't taste like chocolate at all! Instead of that rich and sweet flavor I remembered with a hint of bitterness, it was…almost fruity, sweet with a hint of dryness.

Such is life when you don’t have human taste buds anymore. Could be worse, since I’m pretty sure that IRL otters find the taste of some fruits like watermelon repellent. :V

I mean, it wasn't bad, but… it wasn't chocolate.

Was the chocolate here different from the chocolate I remembered? I remember there were fruit-flavored chocolates back in my world, but I couldn't remember the last time anyone had used those in cookies. Had Saltriv done that here? Or was this just some sort of weird, otherworldly chocolate?

I’m sure it’s been done, but… yeah. Fruit-flavored chocolates usually kinda suck, which probably goes hand and hand with why they’re not commonly used in cookies.

I took another bite. I wasn't just imagining things, it really did taste different from real chocolate. I…could actually faintly feel the taste of real chocolate now that I was focusing so much on the taste of this, but it was so warped it was almost unrecognizable.

Actually, now that I think about it, it wasn't just the chocolate that tasted off. The berries I'd been eating tasted a bit different from what I remembered how they should taste like. But why? They looked just like the ones that I remembered!

Is… Is it because I'm an Oshawott now? Do things just taste different to Pokemon?

Could be worse, you could’ve become a torchic and gotten stuck with like thirty taste buds total if they take after IRL chickens.

… actually that made sense. I never tried to eat Pokémon food back home, but it didn't exactly look appetizing to me. They're so different from humans, so even if we ate the exact same food, why wouldn't the way they tasted to them be different, too?

So then as long as I was stuck like this, I couldn't even taste things like how I used to anymore...

I really, really hoped I could go back soon.

Well, Gen is certainly taking becoming a Pokémon in a lot less stride than most other human-turned-Pokémon… or did the past heroes all go through this disorienting “I wanna go home” phase? Thematically it could honestly go either way for this story.

"What do you think? Are the cookies good?" Burhalla asked, taking a bite out of a cookie of his own.

"Yeah!" I said, before taking another bite out of my cookie. It really was good, just…not what I was hoping for.

I can already see Gen’s “They’re fine! Totally normal cookies just like how I’m a totally normal Oshawott!

” face there. :V

Soon, we had all eaten a couple cookies each. Saltriv's leaf began drooping, and Burhalla's tail flame flickered as he fidgeted with his scarf. "What now?" I asked, glancing across the room.

"Let's make that blanket fort!" Saltriv suggested, swaying their leaf towards the pile of blankets and pillows. "That's one of the things I want to do first for this sleepover! As soon as we get that fort built, then we can play games inside it!"

"Sure! Let's do it!" Burhalla said, his tail flame brightening.

"Uh, yeah!" I said, smiling a little bit. Though was it really a good idea to build a pillow fort with Burhalla's tail flame swishing around like that? It wouldn't set fire to the fort or anything like that, right?

Gen: “... Why is this possibility occurring to me just now?”
Burhalla: “Gen, from my reaction to Saltriv, I’ve pretty obviously built a pillow fort before. It’ll be fine.” >_>;
- Gen looks at Burhalla’s flame, and then at the blankets -
Gen: “Wait, but how does that even-?” .-.

…nobody I've seen had been even slightly worried about him setting fire to things, though. And there's other fire-type Pokemon living in this town. I'm probably overthinking it, since surely the villagers here make things in mind for their own bodies. Everything's probably fireproof, so it should be fine.

Gen: “Yeah, I think I’ll just go with that and not question things. More fun that way.” ^^;

"Everything we need is right over here!" Saltriv said. They were already walking towards the pile of pillows and blankets, giving it a brief glance before grabbing a stool with their vines. "Let's move the stools first, then we can put the blankets on and then the pillows inside!"

"Sounds good!" Burhalla said. He took a stool of his own and dragged it behind the beds. I took one soon after, and began dragging it next to my bed. It was surprisingly difficult to move it, though with my current body, it probably weighed as much as me now.

Actually wait, how big are these pillows relatively sized to these guys? Since at first I assumed they’d be sized for Pokémon about Saltriv’s size but that makes them sound like they’re human-sized pillows.

Might be something to consider dropping in a line of description for at some point earlier.

Before long, all the stools were in place, and we began moving the pillows and blankets. Saltriv was the only one of us who could reach the tops of the stools to drape the blankets onto them, so me and Burhalla just focused on carrying the pillows inside.

"And there!" Saltriv said, as they draped the last blanket over the stools. "It's done!"

I stepped back from the fort to see our handiwork.

Blankets of many different colors were draped around five stools positioned around our beds, covering them from almost all sides. There was a small opening between two orange blankets in the front, from which I could see pillows of a similar range of colors as the blankets all around the inside, as well as our beds.

Even if it was more work than I expected, it looked pretty nice, and really cozy to boot!

Gen: “I mean, sure it looks like a laundry hamper exploded, but I can already feel soft and comfy just looking at it.” ^^

"I think it turned out really great!" Saltriv said, their tail rapidly wagging. "Thanks for helping me!"

"Not a problem. It was fun!" Burhalla said with a bright smile. "Now, let's go in and get back to having fun!"

"Sounds great! But, um... what are we going to do next?" I asked, beginning to walk inside the fort.

"Well, we could play a game or two… how about One Night Ultimate Human?" Burhalla suggested, following me inside.

My eyes widened at the name. 'O-One Night Ultimate Human'? Wh-What the-? Did Burhalla know somehow? Was this game going to reveal that I'd been lying to my teammates all this time?

I think that the last paragraph ought to be broken up into two there since the topics are noticeably different.

"We'd need more people for it," Saltriv replied. They shook their head, before joining us inside the blanket fort. "And I don't want to play it without Acacia, since his team is the focus of the game. It wouldn't be the same without him playing."

Wait so does ONUH require an actual human to play it? Since that feels like a really specific game to wind up catching on among kids in this setting if so.

Before I could ask what Saltriv meant by that, they spoke up with a counter-suggestion, "Hm... How about playing Quick Moves instead?"

Burhalla's tail flame flared up, and he smiled. "Yeah! Let's do it!" Burhalla said, before pausing, then turning towards me. "Actually, wait. Gen, did you learn Water Gun yet?"

I looked down guiltily, dreading what might come next after what I was about to say.

"No. I tried, but…I could only do a Water Sport."

Gen: “I mean, it’s still a Water attack, so it should count, right?”

Burhalla's smile disappeared and his tail flame dimmed briefly. He gave a small sigh and looked back at Saltriv with a small shake of his head.

"Oh. I don't think we can play Quick Moves like that, then. We can't do it without an attacking move of your type," he murmured. "Sorry, Saltriv."

Gen: “That… was never communicated in the past at all and I busted my chops at Grapploct’s to learn that Water Sport.” >_>;
Burhalla: “... Sorry? I mean, it’s a common game, so I just assumed that you’d have known it needed attacking moves.”

Gen: “Burhalla, I’m hu- er… have amnesia! Of course I wouldn’t know that!” >_>;
Burhalla: “Look, we need to find another game to play anyways, let’s just move on.” -_-;

I gripped tightly onto my reunion cape. I can't even do a simple Water Gun. The one, single thing that would have been fun about me being like this, and I can't even do that. And I couldn't play that game with Saltriv and Burhalla because of that, either…

Agh! I was ruining everything here! Did they even still want me at the sleepover now? Ever since we'd finished the pillow fort, all I'd done was just get in the way of their fun!

"I'm sorry," I said, trembling. "I shouldn't have—"

I take it that Gen was more than a little socially awkward back home if that was his initial reaction to “oh, can’t do this game since don’t know the right move”.

Before I could finish, I felt a pair of scaly hands wrap around me. I looked up, seeing Burhalla hugging me.

"It's ok," he said, softly smiling at me. "You didn't do anything wrong. As long as you're trying, I'm sure you'll get it eventually. And it's just one game we can't do, anyways."

Burhalla: “We could always play that board game with the type pieces.” ^^
Gen: “Can we do something a bit simpler? Again, I have amnesia... (Please buy that, I don’t wanna look like an idiot here…)”

"Yep! There's plenty of others we can still do!" Saltriv said, waving their leaf. "How about charades?"

"I'd be down for that! I love charades!" Burhalla said, his tail flame burning brightly as he looked towards Saltriv before turning back to me with an insistent smile. "What do you think? You ok with that, Gen?"

Not quite prepared for the sudden question, I stumbled over my words. This was the charades I was thinking of, right? I wasn't about to join a game that was really something completely different, was I?

As hilarious as it would’ve been for Gen to get excited about playing a game he remembers only for it to turn out to mean something completely different. Yeah, only so many meanings you can assign to “charades” there.

"I, uh—"

Before I could get a chance to fully answer, he said, "Oh, right. I should explain what it is. It's a game where you pretend to be something, and everyone else has to guess what that something is! It's really fun!"

Gen: “(Oh thank goodness, it’s not going to be something crazy like trying to use Mimic to copy attacks or something like that.)”

I already knew what charades were. I'd even played it a couple times with my family. But I appreciated Burhalla's thoughtfulness nonetheless, guess he really wasn't upset about not being able to play Quick Moves.

"Sounds fun!" I said, smiling as I sat down on a pillow, before making some adjustments so my tail wasn't uncomfortable. "Let's do it!"

Considering Gen’s batting average in this story, you’d think that that’d be tempting fate a bit there, but eh. The kid’s allowed to have fun for once. :V

The game was simple enough, not that Burhalla's explanation left much room for confusion. Except… I had no idea how I'd I was supposed to play it with an Oshawott body.

You flail and faceplant in hilarious fashion? Just saying, that is an option, Gen. :P

"Alright! I'll start!" Burhalla said, before letting go of me and stepping a bit away. He moved his head forward, and his tail flame grew large. He held his arms to his sides, and began moving them up and down methodically, almost like flapping.

A large fire…and flapping…could it be…

"Moltres?" I guessed, and Burhalla smiled, stopping his flapping.

"Was it really that obvious? But yeah, that's right!" Burhalla said, walking back to a pillow. "I guess I should have gone with something more difficult. Who wants to go next?"

Gen: “You made flapping motions and made your fire bigger. There’s only so many birds that fit the bill there.” >_>;
Saltriv: “Er… yeah, that was kinda blatant, Burhalla.”
Burhalla: “Hmph, fine, let’s see you two do something harder, then.”

"Me!" Saltriv said, waving their leaf. They stepped back from their pillow, and swayed their leaf so it was over one of their eyes. An Ancient Power rock formed in midair next to their midsection.

…I had no clue what that was supposed to be.

"Uh, Magcargo?" I said. The guess was probably wrong, but it was the closest thing I could think of. I just couldn't think of any Pokémon that'd have one eye covered that'd also have rocks or something by their midsection.

"Nope!" they said, adjusting their leaf slightly.

Burhalla stared inquisitively for a few seconds, before his eyes widened. "Amaura!" he exclaimed, and Saltriv nodded.


"Yep! It was tricky to make it work, but you got it!" Saltriv said, going back to their pillow.

Gen: “I’m sorry, what? How was anyone supposed to guess that?” .-.
Burhalla: “Er… yeah, I was kinda taking a leap of faith there towards the end with the leaf. Guess it was more obvious looking at you from your side?”

Gen: “Also, what’s an ‘Amaura’ again?”

'Amaura'? I'd never heard of a Pokémon by that name before.. Was it a Pokemon from a region I didn't know a lot about? Or were there Pokémon that only lived in this world but not in mine? Maybe it'd make sense to ask—?

Oh? Does Gen’s world not have Amaura in it? Since he recognizes Pokémon by their English localization names, and if he watches tournament matches from Galar from out in Johto, you’d think that he’d at least recognize the name even if he can’t place exactly what sort of Pokémon it is.

"Your turn, Gen!" Saltriv said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

Oh, right, I was next.

What should I even try to be…Xatu? No, my arms were now too short for that. Mr. Mime? I didn't exactly have proper hands anymore… At this rate, maybe I ought to be a Magikarp. Since I was about as useless as one right now. Though then again, I don't think I'd even be able to flop like one with how my limbs are.

One of these days, we need to get a better glimpse of Gen’s life as a human, since it doesn’t sound like it was all that healthy if that’s where his thought process is going after 2 days of bodily dysphoria.

Let's back up a bit. What can I do with two nubs for arms and a tail… Psyduck? That might be possible. I just need to put my paws to my head and pretend I have a really bad headache.

I stood up, stepped back from my pillow, and put my arms on my head, before beginning to waddle back and forth, a pained expression on my face.

Burhalla and Saltriv stared at me, looking completely bewildered. That meant I was doing well and making them think hard, right? Or... had my charade somehow come out wrong?

"A very sick Piplup?" Saltriv said, trying to stifle a giggle.

Gen: “... Really, Saltriv?” -_-;
Saltriv: “Hey, it was a fair guess with that sort of waddle there!” >_>;

"Uh, no," I answered, before beginning to shake my head as I waddled.

"A Psyduck that went days without darkness soothing?" Burhalla said, looking straight at my head.

Well, my charade had come out good enough if Burhalla could figure it out.

"Yeah, that's right! Though it was just supposed to be a Psyduck," I said, walking back to my seat, sitting down, and adjusting my position. "Um, what's darkness soothing?"

Gen: “And why is this the first time I’ve heard of i-?”

Burhalla: “Since you’ve effectively only been alive for two days and we’re not exactly Psyduck, so there wasn’t a logical reason to bring this up?”
Gen: “Eh he… right. Two days… (Why did I ever think it was a good idea to not tell a more open-ended lie to these two?)”

"It's a type of treatment where Topsy-turvy is used on a Pokemon who's having trouble with psychic powers," Burhalla answered. "It really helps if their powers are causing them pain."

Huh, interesting. I never heard of anyone doing that back home. It sounds like something that'd be useful, especially for a Pokémon like Psyduck. Maybe I can tell others about it when I get back home!

… I really hope I can go home soon.

In retrospect, I’m wondering if the line in bold makes sense to tweak in formulation a bit since it feels a bit disconnected from the rest of the dialogue. For instance something like:

[“If I could even go back home… I sure hoped that I could, and soon.”]

"Uh, who should go next?" I asked, looking between my teammates as I began to smell…pecha muffins?

"I ca—" Saltriv began, but before she could finish, Meganium's head peeked inside the blanket fort.

"I brought more snacks for you all! Come and take some!" she said with a smile. "Also, Lidequir stopped by to visit. Why don't you take a break from that pillow fort to spend some time with her?"


Lidequir? Who was that? I saw Saltriv's eyes widen at the mention of that name. Was that another friend of theirs from here in Overcast Village? If so, how come they hadn't introduced me yet?

"Yay! Thanks, mom!" Saltriv said, their tail wagging as they hurried out of the blanket fort. Me and Burhalla soon followed, and I caught a look of awe on his face as we exited the fort.

I was greeted with Meganium holding a wooden platter of pink muffins with a vine just outside the fort's entrance, along with a Wartortle wearing a red scarf.

I’m actually wondering if it makes more sense to swap the last 3 paragraphs around in order such that Saltriv gives their “Yay! Thanks mom!” paragraph, and then Gen has his thought process. It’d require a couple of tweaks, but it’d look like something like the below if you did do the reshuffling:

"Yay! Thanks, mom!" Saltriv said. I saw Saltriv's eyes widen at the mention of that name, their tail wagging as they hurried out of the blanket fort. Me and Burhalla soon followed, and I caught a look of awe on his face as he exited the fort after Saltriv.

Lidequir? Who was that? Was that another friend of Saltriv’s from here in Overcast Village? If so, how come they hadn't introduced me yet? I got up uneasily and followed along after Saltriv and Burhalla out of the pillow fort.

There, I was greeted with Meganium holding a wooden platter of pink muffins with a vine just outside the fort's entrance, along with a Wartortle wearing a red scarf that gave a friendly wave.

Anyhow, food for thought.

"Heya!" the Wartortle said, grinning at us.

"Hi Lidequir!" Saltriv said, running up to her. The Wartortle gave a hearty laugh, and pat Saltriv's leaf. She seemed awfully close to Saltriv for a Pokémon that I was just finding out about... what on earth was her story?

"Good to see you again, sprout! I missed ya!" she said. "You holding up alright?"

Saltriv smiled brightly, and gave Lidequir a brief hug with a vine. "Yep! I'm part of a search party now! Team Searchlights! It was Burhalla's idea!" they replied, pointing with their leaf towards Burhalla.

Wartortle: “Kinda a bit hasty there, ain’t ya, Burhalla?”
Burhalla: “Look, I’d been finding Pokémon already on my own, and I figured Saltriv might know a thing or two about what’d happened to the other missing Pokémon, so…” >_>;

"Well, how 'bout that!" Lidequir said, before walking over to Burhalla and giving him a pat on the back. "Thanks for keeping them safe."

"Not a problem!" Burhalla replied, beaming.

I just stood there, wondering who this person was and how she knew Saltriv, before she turned towards me. "Gen! It's nice to meet you!"

Wh-Wha-? H-How does she know my name? I began trembling, clutching onto my reunion cape. "How—?"

Gen: [wtfuckle]
Lidequir: “Don’t be so shy, word really gets around about you, you know.” ^^
Gen: “That’s… not at all what I wanted to hear.”

"Aw, don't sweat it too much. I used my human powers to read your mind and figure out your name!" she said with another hearty laugh.

My eyes widened, and my grip on my reunion cape tightened. Human powers? Since when did humans have special powers? Did that mean she was human too? Did she see that I was human? Was she going to tell everyone? Was—?

I mean, ‘human powers’ have arguably been around in some capacity since RB, so… :V

Though the answers to the rest are roughly: Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know. Can you repeat the question?

"Just joking! Acacia told me about you. He's my partner," she said, giving a soft smile. I saw Meganium give her a disappointed look, and Saltriv giggling quietly.

That wasn't funny… Lidequir really scared me there! … Not that she would know, and frankly it was for the best that she didn't.

Well, Lidequir found it funny. o<o

I slowly let go of my reunion cape, and looked up at Lidequir. "Uh, hi. So you're also on Team Seedlings with him?"

"That's right!" she said. "We saved the world together and all that jazz."

[ ]

I think it might’ve made sense to drop in a reaction from Gen, since I don’t think he ever got walked through human lore for this world in the past, and even if he did, running into one of said heroes in the flesh would still be startling since Lidequir… doesn’t exactly scream ‘hero’ material all the time. :V

Gen: “You’re… awfully nonchalant about that.”
Lidequir: “Eh, you get used to it after a while. ^^

"How's the sleepover been going?" Meganium asked, stepping closer. "Are you all having fun?"

"Yep! We're all having lots of fun! We were just playing Charades!" Saltriv said, walking up to their mom.

"We also made a blanket fort! Though I guess you could already see that," Burhalla added, glancing at the fort.

[ ]


"Glad you're having a good time," Meganium replied, giving them a brief hug with their vines.

I actually wonder if it makes sense to have Lidequir mention that ‘Meganium’ is really ‘Sturece’ in passing at some point in this scene, since it feels that meta-wise it’s easier to keep things disambiguated from Acacia and Gen… should probably get around to figuring out what Saltriv’s mom is called before too many calendar days go by on his stint in this world. ^^;

I smiled at the sight, before feeling a clawed hand on my arm. I looked up, and saw Lidequir standing over me.

"Hey, why don't we go talk for a bit?" she asked, giving me a gentle smile. Before I could say anything, she added, "Don't worry, it's nothing bad, and it won't be long."

Gen: “...”

I hesitated, trying to figure out what to say in reply. If I said yes, then she might figure out that I'm human, and then tell everyone, and Burhalla would hate me for lying to him, and remove me from the team, and then I'd be away from Saltriv most of the time, and I'd be all alone. But if I say no, I'd put more suspicion on myself, and saying 'no' might not even be an option anyways. I hesitated a couple of seconds, before making a decision that I was sure I was going to regret...

"…ok."

Gen: “... Should’ve said that I had a stomachache and needed to lie down.” >.<
Lidequir: “Nice try, but I’ve been seeing through that excuse since Acacia tried that on me as a Chikorita. Come on, let’s go. In and out. Five minute talk.”
Gen: “Okay, the fact that you’re ripping off a joke from Rick and Morty where the punchline is things taking longer than claimed is definitely not encouraging me to come along.” >_>;
Chikorita: “A punchline from what and what, now?”
Gen: “(But if you’re human, shouldn’t you-) Er… a comedy routine that I once heard that was totally created by a Pokémon?”

Lidequir grinned. "Let's go, then! Follow me," she said, before walking out of Saltriv's room. I took a brief glance at my teammates, hoping that they'd speak up in protest and reel me back in so that way I'd have an excuse to not go with Lidequir.

"We'll wait for you!" they said, smiling back at me.

Gen: “... Thanks a lot, you two.” >.<
Burhalla: “Anytime!” ^^

...No luck. Looks like I was going to have to make it through this talk on my own.

"Thanks," I said, before following after Lidequir.

Oh right, he actually does that to some extent in the dialogue. [hoodLUL]

Though considering how this first scene is like two thirds of the total length of the chapter, I’m actually wondering if it’d have worked better for readability reasons to add a scene break between here and the second half. I think it can work either way, but it’s something to consider.

We went through the hallway and back to the main room of Saltriv's house. After we entered and got to the table, Lidequir turned around towards me. "Sorry to pull you aside in the middle of your fun with your pals like this. There's a few things I gotta ask you about, and they're best brought up in private."

I nodded, my ears flattening against my head as I trembled. My mind raced with possibilities of what this could be about, almost all of them terrifying. I hesitated, then said, "Ok."

Gen: “(I can already tell that this is going to end terribly.)”

"I know you have amnesia, but what does the word 'human' bring to mind for you?" Lidequir asked, giving me an inquisitive look.

My family and everyone I knew back in Goldenrod. Having hands, no fur, and no tail. Having my food taste the way I expected it to. Watching TV at home with my family. Trying to cook something new. Doing the things that I love.

"Pokemon pretending to be one, and that Gengar Acacia told me about," I lied, looking up at Lidequir. Her ears twitched, and her eyes narrowed slightly in response.

"That's all? No idea what they look like?" Lidequir asked, and I nodded. Her eyes narrowed further.

"And you've never met a real human? One that became a Pokemon?" she added, laying a hand on my shoulder.

Gen:

Lidequir: “You’re suddenly getting real quiet right now, Gen. Something up?”

Acacia's words from yesterday ran through my head, all the info about my world he couldn't have known if he was just a normal Pokemon.

"I…don't think so," I said, beginning to tremble. [ ]

I think you might want to drop in Lidequir visibly pausing after noticing something’s up with Gen. Perhaps he’d also worry a bit more as to whether or not she was getting suspicious as a result.

Lidequir's tail twitched, and she gave me a look of reassurance. "Hey, it's ok. There's no need to be scared. We don't bite. Well I do, but that's because I know the move and I'm good at it," she said, giving a small laugh at the end.

I tried to step away, but Lidequir's hand was still on my shoulder. I looked up at her, eyes wide with fear.

"Hey, lighten up a bit," she said, smiling softly at me. "It's just a joke."

Gen: “Look, I’ve seen Squirtle bites and they can get nasty. Can we not make jokes about that?” ._.;
Lidequir: “... You sure you’re alright, Gen? Since somehow I wasn’t expecting you to be this high-strung.”

I breathed a small sigh of relief, my tail flopping back onto the floor from being tensed up. "That wasn't funny…"

"Sorry 'bout that. Just couldn't resist," Lidequir replied, moving her hand from my shoulder to my head.

"Back to the point. You don't know? So you think you might have met one?" Lidequir asked, looking me in the eyes.

Gen: “C-Can we go back to you making unfunny jokes?”

Lidequir: “Sorry, but I didn’t drag you aside just to do comedy routines here…”

I- I really didn't want to be here right now. Terrified thoughts of what would happen if Lidequir found me out rushed through my head, screaming at me to just run away. [But that'd just make things worse, and I'd be all alone.]

I think that it might make sense to spell things out more explicitly as to how Gen would be all alone there. Since it’s not blowing up this interview that’s the danger, it’s everything else that would happen afterwards. You might want to consider something like the following:

[ But that’d just make things worse. Lidequir would almost certainly figure out that I’d been lying, and she’d then tell Saltriv and Burhalla who’d want nothing to do with me afterwards. I’d be all alone, stuck in this strange world in this strange body with no hope of getting back. ]

"…I don't know," I answered, shrinking back against Lidequir's gaze.

She frowned at me, and said, "If it helps, I used to be human myself. Whoever your partner is, I'll be on their side."

My eyes widened. So she was human, too? Was that how Acacia knew all that stuff about my world? Because Lidequir told her? Nevermind that, how on earth did she become a Pokemon in the first place?

My mind raced with question after question after Lidequir's explanation. Did she wake up in that same weird place I did? Did she know how to go back? But if she knew, why wouldn't she have gone back herself already? And if she did and chose to stay here for whatever reason, would she even tell me? Would she still tell me even if she knew I'd been lying?

And 'partner'? What was she talking about!? What partn—

Lidequir: “Easy there, buddy. I think you’re hyperventilating.” ._.;
Gen: “W-Was it really that obvious?”

Lidequir: “Er… kinda, yeah.”

"Hey, hey, it's ok," Lidequir said with another soft smile, snapping me out of my thoughts. "You can trust me. I promise, whatever's going on, I won't judge you for it."

Maybe I should just try to stick to my story.

"I…don't know. I don't remember anything," I lied, looking down. "I might have met one of those humans, I might not have, but… I just don't remember right now."

[ ]


"I see. Well, thanks for telling me, you've been a good sport for all of this," Lidequir said, taking her arm off of me. "And good luck with your search party! I'm sure you and Saltriv will do great on it!"


"Yeah…you're welcome," I said, looking back up at Lidequir. Thank goodness she bought that. I dunno what I'd have done if she found out my secret and blurted it out in the middle of my team's sleepover. I felt something scaly brush my head and looked up to see Lidequir patting me with a reassuring smile.

I think that it might make sense to add some sort of hesitation/body language on Lidequir’s end before you have her opt to drop the conversation and let Gen go back to the sleepover. Just feels like the current conversation is a bit sudden without it.

"I'll let you get back to your sleepover. That's all I wanted to ask," Lidequir said. "It was nice meeting you, Gen!"

"…nice meeting you too, Lidequir," I said, as I walked back to Saltriv's room.

Gen: “Boy did I dodge a bullet there.”

I hurried off and let out a relieved sigh once I was confident Lidequir couldn't see me. That entire episode could've ended a lot worse than it did. I tried not to think too hard about it. I took a moment to catch my breath before re-entering Saltriv’s room and came back to see Burhalla in the middle of chowing down on a muffin, and Saltriv having just finished one. Meganium was smiling at them.

"Gen! You need to try a muffin! They're really good!" Saltriv said, pushing the platter towards me with a vine. Honestly, I could go for one right now, I needed something to get my mind off that interrogation Lidequir put me through.

"Uh, sure!" I said, before picking one up and biting into it. Like the cookies…it wasn't how I remembered them tasting. Still good, but…

"I'll let you three get back to your sleepover," Meganium said, before beginning to walk out of the room. "Have fun, and stay safe!"

"We will!" Saltriv replied, just as Meganium disappeared from view.

>imagine thinking that when you’re in a chapter titled the first half of a refrain from Dickens where the other half that immediately follows is ‘The Worst of Times’

I mean, I know that the characters can’t see that, but still.

"It's been a while since I've had a muffin this good!" Burhalla said, after taking another bite of his. "What do you think of them, Gen?"

It was more bitter than I remembered. Not enough to ruin it, but still noticeable. Burhalla didn't need to know about that though, not when it'd risk him and Saltriv asking questions. I tried to think of something to say back but kept drawing blanks until I finally forced out the first words that came to my tongue.

"…it's tasty," I said, taking another bite out of mine.

Burhalla: “... Gen, you sure are chewing slow for something that allegedly tastes good.”

Gen: “J-Just savoring the taste here!”

"Good!" Saltriv said, their tail wagging a bit.

"Hard to believe it's only been two days since we met you, Gen. Feels like it's been so much longer," Burhalla said, finishing his muffin.

"Yeah…same here," I said, setting my muffin down.

Had it really only been two days since I ended up like this? I could've sworn it'd been longer…

"It's just hard for me to wrap my mind around sometimes," I said. "There's so much that happened over the past couple days."

It’s… honestly a little hard for me to wrap my mind around that myself as a reader sometimes, but there really have been no brakes on this train since the story started. ^^;

"Yep! Going through Twig Woodland, forming Team Searchlights, finding and purifying Flapple," Saltriv said with a bright smile. "We've already done so much together!"

Burhalla also seemed to be in high spirits, and I could see him smiling at me too. You'd never know from that expression that I almost killed him the other day, or that we went into that creepy shrine with all the… statues. Place still makes me shudder still just thinking about it.

I mean, considering how Burhalla only was reminded of a major childhood trauma while there, I doubt Gen would really have been alone shuddering there if Saltriv and Burhalla had also been thinking of the place.

"I'm really glad you joined our team, Gen," he insisted. "It wouldn't be the same without you."

"…thank you, Burhalla," I said, smiling back. "I…I'm so glad you let me join the team. I don't know what I would have done if I couldn't."

Gen: “Okay, I actually do know, I’d be all alone in the room curled up and crying out of loneliness for most of the day, but still…”

Being all alone for hours on end, with nobody I truly knew to turn to…I really don't know what I'd have done without these two. And I didn't want to imagine what having to go through that would've been like.

Oh right, Gen actually explicitly acknowledges that. It’s been a while, so I kinda forgot about that. ^^;

"It's a pleasure, really," Burhalla said. "After all, it's not every day that you get to put a search party together with friends!"

I felt my eyes widen. He thought of me as a friend already? Even after what happened in Blistering Shore? I considered him one, but…

I…

"Gen?"

I looked up to see Burhalla staring at me. He was quiet and looked somewhat concerned at me. Had my reaction really been that visible?

Burhalla: “Uh… yeah, it’s kinda really visible right now. You alright there?” .-.

"Is something wrong about that?" Burhalla asked. "You…are ok with us being friends, right?"

… My eyes felt damp. I could feel a few tears streaming down from my face. But, for the first time in these two long days, they weren't tears of sadness, or pain, or fear... but ones of happiness.

"…yeah. Yeah, I really am," I said.

D’aww…

"I'm glad to hear that! " Saltriv said with a wave of their leaf. "Since I see you as my friend, too!"

I hesitated, then stood up, and walked over to Saltriv and hugging them, before doing the same to Burhalla.

"Thank you…thank you…" I said, my tears splashing onto the floor. I felt a pair of scaly arms wrap around me, followed by a pair of vines wiping away my tears.

For the first time since I arrived here, I didn't feel alone at all.

I mean sure, it’s all built on a lie and I’m sure that Burhalla’s going to have a decent chunk of time where he has trouble trusting Gen after everything eventually comes out, but still. Cute moment there. ^^

After a few seconds, I felt my friends relinquish their grasp on let go of me. I looked up to see Burhalla and Saltriv smiling brightly warmly at me.

"Feeling alright, Gen? If so, how about we go back inside and get back to having fun?" Burhalla said, his tail flame burning brightly.

"Yeah. I'd love that," I said, wiping away the remaining tears on my face.

You want to axe one of those two ‘brightly’s so it doesn’t sound repetitive. I opted for the first of the two since it felt easier to drop in a fitting replacement.

I flopped back onto my pillow with a quiet sigh. Burhalla had correctly guessed that I was pretending to be an Axew. Not sure if I felt more disappointed that my charade got figured out so fast, or relieved that I was still pulling it off well in this Oshawott body. Out of the corner of my vision, I saw Saltriv beginning to yawn.

… Did he bring his paws up to his mouth and stick them out to the sides? :V

"Tired already?" Burhalla asked, laying a hand on the Chikorita. I felt myself start yawning.

"Yep…" Saltriv said, eyes half-lidded. "Still tired from yesterday."

"Yeah…" I said. "There was…so much that happened. And training…was exhausting, too."

Burhalla: “... I feel as if I ought to be a bit more worried about that explanation, but… yeah. It’s late right now.”

Burhalla was yawning now himself. I guess yawns really were contagious, either that or it was much later than I thought it was. I watched as Burhalla laid down on his bedding, carefully slipping his tail flame away from it as he shifted and tried to get comfortable.

"Come to think of it, I'm starting to feel a bit tired, too," Burhalla said. "Was there anything else we still wanted to do right now?"

"Maybe…we should sleep, and do more in the morning," I suggested, starting to have trouble keeping my eyes open."

Sounds like tempting fate there considering the chapter title, but okay Gen.

I laid down and rested my head against my pillow, and pulled my blanket over me. I must be getting used to this bed quicker than I thought, since it felt strangely comfortable. Not as comfortable as my human bed, but it was comfortable nonetheless. Before I could close my eyes, though, I heard Burhalla speak up.

"Hey, Gen? Why don't you sleep against your scalchop?" I heard him ask. I looked over towards him, to see him with his eyes just barely open. "Don't Oshawotts normally do that?"

Crap. I didn't know that about Oshawotts. What do I say?

"Um…I…didn't remember that that's a thing Oshawotts do," I said. It wasn't entirely a lie. "Am I supposed to be doing that? It's not unhealthy for me to sleep differently, is it?"

Burhalla: “... Shouldn’t that be instinctive for you as an Oshawott though and not something you’d forget from amnesia?”

Gen: “It’s really, really thorough amnesia?”

"Dunno. Just found it a bit odd," Burhalla said, closing his eyes again. "Though come to think of it, I don't think I've seen you use your scalchop at all. You should probably start relearning how to use it again. It'd be really handy in dungeons."

[ ]


"Uh, ok," I said, gripping onto my blanket. "I'll, um, start on that tomorrow."

It might make sense to have Gen have more of a reaction there, since he’d probably realize that Burhalla noticed something that would’ve tipped him off to something being really wrong / off about him had he not noticed it thanks to Burhalla pointing it out sooner.

"Night, Gen," he said, his tail flame beginning to dim.

I lifted my blanket up, to look at the shell on my belly. It was such a weird thing, it felt like both a clothing accessory and a part of my body at the same time. It wasn't as weird as the fur, or the ears, or the tail, or my arms and legs, but still.

I couldn't wait to be human again and be rid of it all.

Caaaareful what you wish for there, Gen. Especially where you become human again. :V

Until then, though, maybe it was a good idea to try to start learning how to use my scalchop. I didn't know how long it'd be until I could find a way back home, and it could be useful until then.

I definitely don't want to start sleeping against it, though. That didn't sound comfortable at all.

None of this was comfortable.

I suspect that sleeping against his scalchop would be a lot more comfortable than he gives it credit for if it’s a general species quirk, but… yeah. Alien-sounding practices gonna sound alien.

I had lost so much. My home, my family, my ability to do many things, even my body. All I really had left right now was my memories.

…I didn't want to imagine losing those, too.

But that wasn't entirely true, was it? I had also gained a couple things. Why I’d met Saltriv and Burhalla. I was happy to have them, at least. I couldn't imagine having to go through this all without them.

I’d extend Gen’s train of thought slightly there. Though it’s nice to see that slowly he is developing a connection to things in this world.

But what if they find out about my lies? For all I knew, there was some way they could put two and two together that I didn't know about. And if they did, wouldn't they want nothing to do with me afterwards? And then…I'd be all alone.

I just…need to keep up this lie, just until I find a way home. Then I can go home, return to my life, and put this all behind me.

But then I'd lose Saltriv and Burhalla, wouldn't I?

Gen: “Er…” O_O;;

It'd be worth it, though. I'd be home again, with my family again, and be human again.

Even if I missed them, it'd be worth it.

It'd still be nice not to choose, though.

It might make sense to show Gen wavering a little, especially in the second paragraph. e.x. I’m going out on a bit of a limb here, but something like the following might work:

[ It'd still be nice not to choose, though. After all, I hadn’t had friends as close as Saltriv or Burhalla back home, and even if I belonged back home with my family, it’d be a little sad to say goodbye to them. ]

Maybe…they could even come with me somehow. As disorienting and unpleasant as things had gotten since I became a Pokemon, the two had been genuinely nice to hang around. Who knows? Maybe they would find my world interesting since it was full of beings they'd never seen before.

Yeah. That'd be nice.

I mean, that’s kinda dependent on the terms by which they come to your world, but… it’s a cute thought. :V

My eyes began to open, and I yawned. That was such a fun sleepover! Such a great time!

Huh, it looked like it was still dark. I couldn't see very far, but my tail flame helped illuminate things a bit.

I began to stand up, and walk over towards where Saltriv was. "Morning, Saltriv!" I said.

Except I couldn't find them. I looked where I remembered their bed being, but there was just empty space on the floor.

Where did they go?

Burhalla: “... What in the?”

Ah, they must have gotten uncomfortable sleeping in the pillow fort, and moved their bed outside. I didn't see Saltriv as the type to do that, but they are quite a bit bigger than me or Gen.

I guess I'll just greet Gen, then. The pillow fort shouldn't have been any less comfortable for him than it was for me.

I walked over to his spot, but... wasn't here either.

"…Gen?" I asked.

I held my tail flame out to look around in the darkness. No sign of him either. Guess he must have gone outside with Saltriv. … or at least I think he did.

Burhalla: “... Okay, this is getting weird. And why didn’t Saltriv respond to me earlier? Even if they’re not in the fort right now, their house isn’t that big…”
- Beat moment -
Burhalla: “... I am still in the pillow fort, right?” ._.;

I began walking towards where the exit of the blanket fort was, but after several seconds of walking, I still hadn't reached it.

Alright, this was getting weird. Something was definitely up. There was no way the blanket fort was this big. What had happened while I was asleep?

I continued walking, until I came to a wall of blankets. I lifted my tail up to try to illuminate the top, but there didn't seem to be any top to the blankets.

No… no, it couldn't be…

Burhalla: “Uh… yeah, no. I don’t think I’m still in the pillow fort anymore.”

Out of the corner of my vision I spotted something lavender. I didn't hesitate to walk over towards it. There on the ground, near the blanket wall, was a sleep seed.

Berry crackers, this was a mystery dungeon!

So much for Burhalla’s dad ever letting him out and about anytime in the next century. :V

Alright, my overall thoughts:

It was a pretty good chapter and I thought that it did a pretty good job at continuing the process of bringing Team Searchlights and Team Seedlings into each other’s orbits. The entire sleepover sequence did a good job at showing how Gen’s already been evolving as a character, though it might have been nice to see a little more of how Saltriv or Burhalla were doing hinted at, especially since Saltriv’s… kinda keeping secrets of their own that they’re a bit anxious about there.

There was definitely more than I expected that slipped my notice while beta reading that I picked up on a second glance. I genuinely feel that the shipped product is a lot better than the initial draft I looked over pre-publishing, but there’s still a few sections where I think a little extra description would go a long way to making some parts of the scenes in this chapter ‘pop’ a little more.

All-in-all, even with the quibbles I had, I still think you did a good job, @IFBench . You’ve definitely been improving as time goes along, and I’m looking forward to seeing more of Team Searchlights’ saga in the future. ^^

 

[Negrek]

Sup Bench! Here for the first three chapters of Eternal Shadows. I'm familiar with some of these characters already, of course... It's going to be fun to see how they bounce off each other in their home story after all this time!

I know you're most concerned with your characters and characterization, and unfortunately that's generally the hardest thing for me to comment on so early into a fic! We've only had 1-3 shortish chapters to get to know these people, so they haven't made a strong impression yet. Gen's clearly anxious and not so good with social situations, but to be blunt, who would be after getting chucked into some other world in a foreign body. Saltriv it's hard to tell how much of my impression is colored by Blacklight, where I've seen way more of them, but here they're kind of just reacting to trauma, same as Gen is. (And it's some real trauma! Discovering that you've been away from home for months without realizing it, and not knowing what might have happened in that time, is absolutely terrifying.) Burhalla it's hard to get a read on for me so far--he clearly has a Thing about his dad, and he feels compelled to do something about the crisis affecting his hometown, even if it's objectively kind of a bad idea to strike out for this mystery dungeon alone, but I haven't really gotten to know him beyond that yet.

This is a more mechanics-heavy approach than I'm used to seeing in Mystery Dungeon fics, which to me is kind of fun; I thought the use of the Connection Orb was clever for tracking down Saltriv (although if that's all you need to do, it seems like it would have been pretty easy to resolve those other disappearances?), and Gen's bafflement at the way things don't work quite right around here was a great little worldbuilding detail. Despite being from the pokéworld, they don't seem like they're super familiar with the trappings of trainer life--I wonder how old they are? I'm not familiar with Super, so here and there I had a feeling I was missing something with the item usage (like, clearly there was a wand at one point, but fuck if I know what any of the wands do, lol). Not a big deal for me, though. I wonder whether the double ember that perplexed Gen was some kind of emera... looplet... thing? Whatever those are. Or potentially a linked attack, since iirc it was possible to link a move to itself?

One thing that did strike me as odd was Burhalla's somewhat nonchalant decision to go find Gen in Chapter Two. My impression is that they're pretty close, reinforced by things like how ecstatic Burhalla seemed to be to see Saltriv in Chapter Three, but Burhalla's reaction to seeing the missing notice for Saltriv seemed way too muted for more than a casual acquaintance. He seems to be thinking more, "I need to do something, this person seems like the best to rescue" as opposed to something like, "oh my God, Saltriv, too?" or even "oh no, I hadn't seen them in a while but I was hoping this wasn't why." The detached calculation behind statements like, "they're one of the youngest on here, so even if they're shadowed, I'll probably be able to take them" read very strangely to me as a character deciding how to go about rescuing someone they really care about. On the flip side, if you wanted this to be a case of them not knowing each other well and growing closer over the course of the story, then toning down their actions once reunited would make them feel more like strangers. For example, Burhalla's comment that he's not like his dad gives the impression that these two know each other pretty well, since a parent being unreliable probably isn't something a kid would discuss with just some random other person in their class.

I enjoyed the flip to Arctozolts' POV at the beginning of the third chapter quite a bit. I'm always a fan of getting a little funky with the style to convey a strange or disorienting situation, and I think you did a great job here of creating the feeling of two personalities arguing with each other within the same body. For a long stretch of text I worry that it would be hard to follow what was going on, but for a short little scene like this I thought it was great. I'm also super curious about why Arctozolt cares about Burhalla; nice little hook there.

I know you're not super interested in technical feedback, so I won't harp. If you were looking for a couple of things to review or get beta feedback on in order to smooth out the prose a bit, I'd focus first on commas and tense. In general you're inserting commas where they don't belong, in particular before the word "as" and before conjunctions like "and" when they aren't joining complete sentences. There were also a fair number of sentences in Chapter Three, especially, where things slipped into present tense for a moment. Let me know if you ever want more detail on this sort of thing (or would prefer that I omit it entirely)!

All in all these early chapters work to show off both the classic PMD story structure as well as all the ways you intend to play with it, as with the fake-amnesia twist and the rather strange way that Gen was brought over to the pokéworld. You also set up a whole bunch of mysteries here: why Gen's ended up in this place, what's up with Arctozolt, what's going on with shadow pokémon being here (?!), and how Eternatus plays into all this. Three chapters in and there's lots to anticipate! Let me know when you're ready for another three chapters and I'll be happy to take a look!

 

[Dragonfree]

Since you did wind up having the spoons to review TQftL, I'm here to start fulfilling my end of the exchange! You mention you'd like less focus on prose/grammar - I hope you don't mind a couple of grammar/typo comments anyway, but let me know if you'd rather I left that out entirely. I'm also not 100% sure on your feelings on lengthy constructive comments - I certainly hope nothing here feels harsh, but tell me if you'd like me to adjust my approach, one way or another.

Chapter 1

I turned around, hoping that something else laid behind me

You want "lay" as the past tense of "lie", while "laid" is the past tense of the separate verb "lay" which means to lay something down! It's easy to confuse them.

Maybe if I close my eyes, then everything will be ok.

Since the prose generally is in the past tense, then this sort of thought should either be in the past tense too (Maybe if I closed my eyes, then everything would be okay) or be italicized to show you're quoting a thought directly.

Oddly, there didn't seem to be any Water-types.

This feels like kind of a funny thing for Gen to notice at this point in time! PMD starters don't exactly cover every type, so if he's just wondering about the type distribution, Water wouldn't be the only type that's missing. We as readers know the game makes you pick a partner of a different type than you, so it makes sense to us that Water-types are being excluded from his selection, but from his point of view, there's no reason he should make special note of there not being any Water-types.

It would make sense if he noticed that it's a lot of traditional starters, but missing the Water-types specifically (assuming he's from a world where traditional starters are a thing) - but you don't mention him noticing them being traditional starters, only that there are no Water-types.

A single paper had appeared in the center of the platform. I hesitated, before going over to it, and reading it. I gawked as I processed the message. "Rescue one," it read. Rescue from what?! Those shadows? Why only one?! This didn't make any sense! I grabbed the paper, crumpled it, and threw it. "What's going on?!" I yelled, as I looked towards the many-colored sky.

"Rescue one" is deliciously ominous. What'll happen to the others?

Wait a minute, was that voice the Chikorita?! No, it couldn't be. Pokemon couldn't talk. Well, there was that one Meowth that was on the news once, but that was just one Pokemon...right?

So Gen is from the animeverse! Would be familiar with traditional starters, then.

I looked up. I barely had time to scream.

A massive hand was reaching down for us. Pink and black, coming from a spiral high in the sky.

I grabbed the Chikorita and ran to the edge of the platform, hoping to avoid it, only for it to smash into the platform, completely shattering it.

As the platform broke apart, and we fell into the abyss, I could hear my own screams, as well as many more.

Ohoho, a sense of intrigue and danger! I like that Gen grabs presumably-Saltriv instinctively to save them too.


Chapter 2

I looked over the billboard, full with missing posters, lit by the sunlight that made its way through the clouds above. It’s depressing how small our town has gotten. I recognized Treecko, Sneasel, Morpeko, Orbeetle, Flapple, even Leon. I heard the whole Kecleon clan was looking for him. I haven’t seen Kecky at all since he disappeared. At least my own family isn’t among the missing.

One missing poster in particular caught my eye, struggling to stay attached to the billboard against the breeze, depicting a Chikorita with an autumn-red leaf. That was Saltriv! I hadn’t seen them since school ended for the year. Their family helped run the item shop whenever one of the Kecleon brothers was out, though these days they run it full-time.

Well, this sure didn't pick up how I expected! Seems like a different POV character? I like the atmosphere you're setting immediately - all these disappearances, Saltriv gone. And the little nugget about how their family runs the item shop when the Kecleon brothers are out is a really good touch, grounds them in the world.

I needed to do something. So many people were going missing, and so few were being found. Many of those that were found were shadowy, and had to be taken out of town to get better.

Maybe I could go look for Saltriv. They were the one up there that I knew the best. They were pretty young compared to most of the others on the billboard; if they had gone shadowy, I could probably take them on, especially with today’s fire-type V-Wave.

Ah, is this Burhalla?

I had to do this in secret. There was no way I could find two other people who would agree to making a search party with me. Aron and Rockruff were both still tired after yesterday, and Helioptile was several towns over. Even if that weren’t the case, I doubt they’d be up for a full-time commitment like that. Plus, if Dad or the police ever learned what I was doing, I’d never hear the end of it.

Huh! The police are actively against people trying to find the missing persons? I guess just because Burhalla(?) is young and shouldn't be going out to try to save people on his own?

The connection orb shattered into tiny pieces on the ground. Hopefully no one heard that. I’ll have to ask PNS-NT later to Recycle it.

Ahaha, that's cute.

I emerged from behind the house and reentered the square. I could see all sorts of lines connecting the Pokemon around the square, some faint, some bold, some green, some orange. The connection orb was already working. I headed towards the Kecleon shop, where Mrs. Meganium and Mr. Torterra were talking to a Wooper I didn’t recognize—who soon left with a cheri berry. The pink line between the two was strong, and a blue line just as strong was behind each, both heading in the direction of the forest. Those must be the lines connecting them and Saltriv.

This is very neat! Already seeing why people talk about your creative use of items. Finding where a missing person is by looking at lines emerging from their loved ones is clever.

Eventually, the lines converged, entering a gap in the treeline. Twig Woodland. A Mystery Dungeon. I’d been in one before, though never alone.

Deep breaths. In, and out. Let my tail flame grow, then die down. Burn the stress away.

I could do this. I could do this. I already helped find Patrat. I did it before. I could do it again.

Saltriv was in there somewhere, and I would find them.

I like this attempt to destress before heading out a lot. (And the mention that he already helped find somebody who went missing - this is just doing the same again.) He's so nervous but he's doing it anyway. True courage! Burning the stress away is something I particularly enjoy.

Oddly, these trees seemed much taller than the ones near home. Probably just a different kind. I realized I was in a patch of tall grass. I needed to get out of here before I was attacked by a wild Pokemon. The ground seemed a lot closer than normal, too…

Nice touch to have him thinking of tall grass as dangerous because he might get attacked by a wild Pokémon; it's a bit of how a person from the Pokémon world might think in this situation, different from how a person from the real world would.

I froze. I recognized that voice. That was the Chikorita that fell with me after...whatever that hand thing was shattered the platform.

I turned around towards the voice, and saw that same Chikorita as before—the same red leaf and everything. They looked much larger now, though.

This feels a little redundant - first recognizing the voice as the Chikorita from earlier, then saying when he turns it's the same Chikorita from earlier.

Also, in chapter one Gen referred to the Chikorita as 'it', but now he's using 'they' - I can't quite tell why he switched here, since he didn't switch when the Chikorita talked in the vision or anything. Maybe it'd be worth deciding on a particular moment where Gen would realize using 'they' feels more appropriate?

Saltriv turned back towards me. “I was walking down the path to visit Burhalla. The next thing I knew, I woke up in this strange place with a weird sky, and there was this tall thing that looked just like the humans of legends! They approached me, and I asked who they were. Then...for some reason I couldn’t move anymore. The human looked up, then grabbed me and ran, just as something smashed down where we were. Then I woke up here. I think that human saved me! Or maybe it was just a dream,” they said, before pausing.

Hmm. Burhalla's POV mentioned that he hadn't seen Saltriv in a long time, and all in all it didn't feel like he knew Saltriv super well - he didn't seem beside himself with personal worry to see Saltriv was missing, mostly just like Saltriv was like that one kid in another class in your year that you see around town sometimes. So I had the impression they weren't really close friends at all. But if Saltriv was on their way to visit Burhalla, that makes it sound like they were pretty close - you usually don't just sort of randomly decide to visit someone you don't know very well, after all, and they clearly don't make a habit of visiting Burhalla if he hasn't seen them since school ended. So I'm getting slightly mixed messages on how much they actually know each other.

What do I say? That I was that human? They probably wouldn’t believe me. They were already partly convinced that the whole thing was a dream. I probably would be, too, if I hadn’t tested to see if it was.

I don't know, Saltriv doesn't sound all that convinced it was a dream to me! They only suggested it might have been as a sort of afterthought. Plus, Gen could easily name details that Saltriv didn't mention about the void, like the mirror-like platform they were standing on. Maybe this is just meant to be Gen's insecurity, thinking nobody would believe he was someone who'd saved them? But if so, I think justifying it as being because Saltriv thinks it's a dream may be a bit of a distraction - it just sounds a little weird for Gen to think what Saltriv said indicates they're too convinced it's a dream to believe him.

Of course, then Gen is about to tell them anyway when they happen to be interrupted.

I was about to ask who he was when Saltriv ran straight towards the Charmander. “Burhalla!”

Burhalla ran towards Saltriv and tackled them in a hug. “Saltriv! You’re ok!”

[...]

“Sorry I didn’t notice ya. Who are you?” he asked. I could faintly notice small droplets in his eyes. Were those tears? I didn’t know fire-types could cr—

Awww. I guess Saltriv and Burhalla do know each other fairly closely, then? In that case I'm surprised Burhalla didn't act a little more shocked when he saw Saltiv had gone missing! In Burhalla's POV scene, he seemed to decide to look for Saltriv on the basis that he knew them best of the people on there and that Saltriv happened to be young, so he'd be safely able to subdue a shadowed Saltriv - not because he was especially worried about Saltriv personally.

“Where are we?”asked Saltriv.

You're missing a space there after the quote.

I froze. What do I say? My hometown? He’d be even less likely than Saltriv to believe that I was a human, since he wasn’t in that weird place. Also, apparently, humans were legends here. I didn’t really have time to process that before, but now...it’s unlikely that my hometown exists here. Even if they did believe me if I said that I was a human from another world, what if they started asking me questions about my world? I doubted they’d react well to knowing about how Pokemon like them were usually treated in my world.

Wouldn't Saltriv be able to vouch for him that it happened, though? Especially if he mentions more details that Saltriv didn't tell him?

“Just my name and how to do some things,” I said. I was digging myself deeper and deeper. I hoped they’d lay off the questioning soon, then I could worry about getting back home. .

There's an extra period at the end here.

And there starts the web of lies! Looking forward to seeing Gen get dragged deeper and deeper into that.


Overall thoughts

Intriguing start! The disappearances and people going Shadow are probably the most interesting hook here - Pokémon going missing and somehow getting shadowed in the process, bringing in a concept from an entirely different spin-off series, establishes a clear conflict and mystery for the characters to try to solve. The suggestion that whatever entity pulled Gen into the Pokémon world might be the thing that's shadowing Pokémon is also very intriguing, if I'm reading that correctly! It sure seems like a force the characters have no way to fight, and it'll definitely be intriguing to see how they're going to try to tackle the problem.

I did feel first half of the opening chapter was maybe a little slow. Strange things are happening, and Gen's reacting incredulously to them, but the things that are happening feel kind of arbitrary - so, for instance, maybe it does mean something that the change in Gen's reflection is triggered when he touches a random bow, rather than something else, but the reader definitely can't tell that it means anything at the moment (unless this is a reference to something I'm unfamiliar with?), so the words about this bow and exactly how the light flashes when he touches it and so on don't feel like they're telling us very much.

The second half, by contrast, is very interesting: when an ominous message tells Gen to rescue one of a bunch of shadowed Pokémon, it creates stakes and hints at some kind of motivation behind what's happening to him, and him rescuing Saltriv from a massive scary-looking hand is an action that he takes, a character-establishing moment! So I found my interest rising a lot when that happened. Maybe it'd be worth considering adding more of a hint at that a little earlier - like, say, if Gen actually saw the hand snap off the top of the mailbox and then drop the bow there in front of him? That's just an example, and it's up to you if you feel it'd make sense (obviously you know your story and what the hand is and why stuff is actually happening during this bit much better than I do!) - it's just something that occurred to me as I was reading. I don't think it's a big deal that needs fixing per se.

I liked the second chapter establishing the plot and world and the clever item use - I think Burhalla's section was my favorite (although I was a little thrown off at first to switch to a different first-person narrator, since without having first established the convention of the narrator being named below the chapter title, just the "???" doesn't actually tell us we're switching to an unknown narrator - maybe (Unknown POV) would be clearer?). I also thought the reunion between Saltriv and Burhalla was very sweet, although I found myself a little confused about exactly what their prior relationship is, as I mentioned above! It might be worth clarifying that a little one way or another, but either way, they're cute and I look forward to reading more about them.

Ever since I first heard of this fic, I've enjoyed the concept of a PMD human simply faking the classic PMD amnesia because they're nervous about people finding out they're human, and then having to grapple with having dug themselves too deep to admit the truth. People making bad choices and having major insecurities is always my jam. I was a little surprised to find under what circumstances Gen makes the initial lie, though, specifically because he first learns that Saltriv remembers their shared experience clearly and explicitly thinks the human saved them, which feels to me like a good reason to think they absolutely would trust and believe him if he just confirmed the human was him and filled in additional details they'd remember. And Gen does seem to come down on the side of thinking Saltriv would believe him, since he decides to tell them, but then when Burhalla arrives he changes his mind - even though if Saltriv did believe him, surely they'd vouch for him. So I don't feel like I 100% understand exactly why he makes this decision here, and since it's a really important decision that the rest of the story hinges on, I think it would help to really make sure the reader can follow along with his thought process. There are mainly three possible ways to do this that occur to me - I don't know the rest of your story, of course, so I can't tell you which would work, or if any of them would, but maybe they give you some ideas?

- One would be if Saltriv just didn't remember much of anything. If Saltriv had no memory of meeting the human in the technicolor void, it'd be pretty reasonable for Gen to feel like his experience just sounds like weird nonsense and it'd sound super weird to tell them actually he's an entirely different species who just saw them in a bizarre colorful void. It seems pretty likely to me that Saltriv remembering Gen picking them up as a human is something that will be significant later, though, so I kind of doubt that's something that'd make sense here.

- Another, probably more intriguing possibility could be if Saltriv did remember, but something specific about the way they described it made Gen reasonably worry about telling them it was him. Like, if Saltriv described being really scared when the human came towards them and they couldn't move, and that then the human grabbed them and they fell - maybe then Gen'd feel like Saltriv would just be scared of him if he said he was the human from the void, or any human, even if really Saltriv thinks the human saved them? (Gen could even learn that later but feel like he's dug himself in too deep to tell them by then.)

- Or, in the other direction, you could just focus more on emphasizing Gen's anxiety. Right now, the way you describe Gen's decision to lie, it all sounds very reasoned - he's thinking through how they probably wouldn't believe him, how his hometown probably doesn't exist, how they'd feel about how Pokémon are treated in his world, etc. That's what makes it feel a little weird to me that the reasoning doesn't quite hold up. But people often do do things that aren't entirely reasonable! If you just described his thought process as being more driven by anxiety than reason, that could also make it easier to understand. Say, if Saltriv described humans in awed terms, as legendary heroes, and Gen was just paralyzed by the notion that he was meant to be some kind of hero, that if he says he's the human then Saltriv will be expecting him to be somebody grand and important who can do things when really he's nobody important and he can't do anything - I'd believe in that just fine, even though it's irrational!

Again, these are just thoughts on how I think this important moment might have landed a little better for me - you have a better understanding of exactly why you wrote it the way you did and whether it's something you'd actually want to adjust at all.

I'll probably check out at least chapter three tomorrow! Looking forward to seeing how things proceed from here - you've built an intriguing start that hooks you in to wonder what's going on with these disappearances, the Shadow Pokémon and the strange hand.

Feel free to DM me on Discord if you want to talk about anything I said here!

 

[Chibi Pika]

Chapter 11

Interesting that we're opening this one from Acacia's POV. We've heard a bit about how Saltriv had an uncle who was a hero, so it's good to get a little bit of his perspective on things. He's the most sensible link between the protagonists and the World-Savers' Council.

I like how one of the effects of numerous humans being summoned to the PMD world and sticking around is a bit of human tech cropping up here and there. Nice details on how the train accommodates wildly different body sizes and shapes.

So we're finally gonna address the whole "Gen literally has the same name/species as the Gates hero" thing! That's obviously one of the glaring red flags here, so it's nice to get some real scrutiny. I like how Acacia has like a full testing protocol for how to detect humans and it just falls completely flat from Gen just going ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ to everything. Well, admittedly all the questions about Galarian writing and culture might've just been unknown to him, but then there was Johtoan writing too and I'm like "ah. he is simply lying." But he did leave a pretty big inconsistency by being certain that he's not human--he claims he has no memories, so if that were true, he probably wouldn't know! Well, in theory, a nonhuman Gen could just have the vague feeling that he's always had this body, seeing as nothing feels off about it? But still, there would likely be some uncertainty. Gen's total adamant certainty isn't a good look for him. ;P

Still, it's good that Acacia stopped and debated all the possibilities afterward, so he's not just blindly taking Gen at his word. The theory that Gen could simply be a kid named after the hero was a pretty good one that I hadn't considered. I get the feeling if he keeps at it, he might be able to figure things out. Man, Gen sure is making things inconvenient for everyone. xD

'Til next time~

 

[Dragonfree]

Chapter 3

Ahaha, I recognize these colors! Nice to see Arctozolt here - wonder what they're doing and why they're looking for Burhalla. The first-and-second-person POV is a fun choice here - what more natural second person is there than the person you literally share a body with?

I do find myself a little confused by what sections are colored blue and yellow what sections are just the default color. I would have expected that maybe the blue bits would be direct thoughts from Arcto (I don't recall if you actually use Arcto and Zolt as names for the two halves, but I'll use them for clarity), though that's already a little hard to distinguish from inner monologue a lot of the time when writing in first person, and the yellow bits would be direct thoughts from Zolt. But many of the blue thoughts are in the past tense, where a direct thought should be in the tense the character would actually think in (e.g. "We have to find that Charmander", rather than "We had to find that Charmander", unless Arcto is actually thinking of something that happened in the past). And then you do this:

You zapped them with a Thundershock, and they fainted. Something buzzed within my snow. I had completely forgotten about those. You hadn’t.

where the blue and yellow lines clearly aren't direct thoughts - not only is the blue line in the past tense, the yellow seems to use "You" to refer to Zolt, unless I'm misunderstanding, in which case that has to be something Arcto is thinking, not Zolt, even though it's about Zolt.

Maybe what the colors are getting at is something different from that - like, maybe the bits that are blue are the bits of Arcto's inner monologue that Zolt can hear, and vice versa? I'm not entirely clear on it.

Bloody Unovan. I thought back, as we resumed down the corridor, and ended up in a wide room.

Took me a moment but I think I recall now that Arctozolt is two human souls in one Pokémon body - so presumably, Zolt is Unovan and Arcto is Galarian? That's a fascinating dynamic. Those poor souls.

Brief grammar tip - if you're doing direct quotes with dialogue tags, as in Blah blah blah! you thought, then you should follow the same punctuation rules as with regular spoken quotes, even though there are no quotation marks - the you thought should be lowercase, because it's really continuing the same sentence, and if the thought itself would end in a period, then you should use a comma instead (while other punctuation such as exclamation marks override the comma, but don't change that the dialogue tag should be lowercase).

“The layout’s still the same, it seems. This shouldn’t be too difficult, then,” Burhalla said, as we emerged into a larger, oddly rectangular clearing bordered by a thick layer of trees, with gaps in many places.

I like how gamelike this is. Straight-up changing layouts and weirdly rectangular rooms.

Burhalla halted for a second. “I’ll explain as we walk. It’s not safe to stay in one place in a Mystery Dungeon,” Burhalla answered, as he continued onwards. I hurried after him, stumbling a few times due to my new body shape. My legs were so short that I almost had to uncomfortably waddle instead of walk. I had to deal with the weight of my tail, too, which had its own set of weird feelings as it dragged against the ground.

I like the reminder that Gen's got whole new body parts to deal with, and a lot less of others.

“The layout hasn’t changed, so not very long. I remember where the stairs are for each floor. The stairs for this floor are just up ahead,”

There's a comma at the end of this quote, but no dialogue tag.

I noticed Burhalla’s expression pale, as I wondered who the Kecleon brothers were. He walked over to the apple, and put it in his bag. “I need to tell you something,” he said, looking at Saltriv.

Ah, I like that this is coming back - both Saltriv being particularly familiar with the Kecleon brothers and Leon having gone missing too.

“What do you mean?! I talked to them just yesterday after the last day of school!” Saltriv responded.

“Saltriv...you’ve been missing for months.”

Ooh. I gueeess this means Saltriv and all the other 'partner choices' Gen had had actually been missing and Shadowed for extended periods of time but Gen saved Saltriv and de-Shadowed them by accidentally picking them? (In which case maybe the hand isn't sinister at all - maybe it's just only able to save one Pokémon per human.)

I had to do something against this. Come on, what moves did Oshawotts know? Water gun? Totodiles can know it, so maybe other water-type starters can as well? How do I do it, though? Do I just say it? Just point at it? Just imagine doing it? Couldn’t hurt to try all three at once. I pointed my free arm at the Pokemon, and yelled, “Water gun!” trying to imagine a stream of water being shot at it.

Nothing happened. It pecked at me again. Ow. I think that one broke the skin.

An amusing moment. Kind of wondering why Saltriv and Burhalla don't hear him yelling "Water Gun!" without it doing anything.

As we headed down the corridor, he began, “In Mystery Dungeons, there are many Pokemon that will attack anyone that have entered the dungeon. Very few are able to listen to reason.”

"Anyone" is treated as singular, so it should be "anyone that has entered the dungeon".

“You really don’t remember how to use moves, do you? You can’t just yell the name of the move and have it work!” Saltriv answered between giggles.


“I don’t remember how moves work,” I answered. It wasn’t a complete lie.

I like Saltriv just finding Gen's attempt to yell his attacks really funny. It probably would be in-universe, and it adds a bit of lightheartedness to Saltriv that's fun to see.

We emerged from the corridor into another room, and the stairs were right in front of us. “Let’s go,” said Burhalla as he went up the stairs, me and Saltriv following behind. I noticed a single tear fall to the ground near them as we ascended the staircase. Was Saltriv ok?

I'm curious too! Wonder if this is just sympathy, feeling bad for Gen because Burhalla was a bit harsh there, or if there's a personal reason we don't know about yet.

“I'd have told you if they weren't. I'm not my father. I don't lie about things like that.”


There was bitterness in Burhalla’s voice as he said that.

Ooh, intrigue. Wonder what Burhalla's father lied about - that his mom was just away when she was dead, maybe?

This was bad. This was very bad. If he found out I was lying about not remembering anything, I'd be alone in this world. I was in too deep now to admit to things, either. He'd never believe me. The only thing I could do was keep up the act and hope he never finds out.

Feels sort of hasty for Gen to conclude that just based on Burhalla saying he doesn't lie about things like that - that's not exactly saying he hates everyone who lies about anything, is it? My impression from how you've described it is that Burhalla legitimately just hates lies and lying, so I think you could arrange this to be a little stronger by having Burhalla express that more explicitly, probably.

As I tried to untangle myself, I saw two Embers head towards the Sewaddle, one after another.


Huh?!


I was pretty sure Chikoritas couldn’t learn Ember, so where did that second one come from? I didn’t see anyone else in the room besides me, Saltriv, Burhalla, and the now-fainted Sewaddle. Was that just a move I had never seen before? Double Ember?

Huhhh. Is Saltriv able to use Fire moves? They did gain the ability with their Unleashed form in Blacklight, didn't they? Or maybe this is just like, PMD link moves.

“You just felt it coming?” Burhalla asked, his expression one of awe. I shuddered. What excuse could I give?

Enjoy Saltriv and Burhalla being in awe of Gen's uncanny ability that's really just a pure coincidence and him feeling like he has to play along now. I think this aspect of his lie works great - really is something that'd be extremely awkward to admit by now and he's just praying he can play along with it.

Burhalla rushed straight through the room, and did two Embers in rapid succession at the Pokemon near the staircase, running forth as the Skiddo chased after him.

Looks like it is just link moves, then. Surprised Gen doesn't react to seeing what it was after he reacted so strongly earlier.

“They’re rooms in mystery dungeons where a bunch of dungeon Pokemon ambush you at once! They’re filled with items to lure you in, then once you’re there, you’re surrounded!” Saltriv enthusiastically explained. “Leon once told me a story about how he had chased a thief into one! Once we’re out of here, I’ll...” they trailed off. Silence filled the corridor.


“It’s going to be ok,” said Burhalla.

Really like Leon having told Saltriv a story about chasing a thief into a Monster House (nice reference to the games), Saltriv trailing off as they remember Leon's missing, and Burhalla not needing any words to that effect to understand why they hesitated and reassure Saltriv it's going to be okay. Good subtlety and sense that these are people who care about each other!

“Can I go with you two? I don’t have anywhere else to go,” I asked the two.


Burhalla smiled. “Of course! I already offered to bring you to the mayor to see if she could help.” His smile faded a bit. “Did you forget that too?”


Right. With everything that had happened in here, that slipped my mind.


“No, I just...a lot happened,” I responded.


“Maybe you could start keeping a journal to help you remember things!” Saltriv suggested.

Aww, I like Burhalla and Saltriv being innocently concerned about Gen's supposed amnesia and him having to awkwardly keep up the act.

I enjoy the interpretation of Mystery Dungeons here; you lean into the weirdness of them just being like game dungeons, and I think that works with Gen's perspective as a human for whom everything in this world is just bizarre. We're getting more of a sense of Burhalla and Saltriv, with Saltriv enthusiastic and lighthearted but empathetic while Burhalla's more jaded and serious and feels like an older soul with some inner turmoil going on, and their eagerness to help is already causing awkwardness for Gen who's still lying through his teeth to them. I hope his supposed power to sense enemies coming is something that'll continue to be brought up while Gen's increasingly uncomfortable - I thought that made for a fun aspect of it here.

I'm also curious about Arctozolt! They were apparently looking for Burhalla - maybe that's just because Burhalla went off on his own and people think he's missing (maybe they were sent by his dad, or the police?), or maybe there's something more behind it. It'll also be interesting to see how them being human will come into things - if humans are legendary, are they regarded as legends/heroes, or does nobody know they're human? I was kind of expecting the trio to bump into them on their way through the dungeon, but they didn't wind up doing so - hope we'll be seeing Arctozolt again soon.

Gen still seems fairly detached from what's going on, but I'm betting the fake amnesia is going to have him getting increasingly anxious as we go on, which will probably be fun. Also looking forward to the deepening of his relationship with Saltriv and Burhalla, which I'm sure will exacerbate his guilt about not being honest with them.

 

[Sinderella]

Hi Bench! Finishing off our review exchange with chapters 6 and 7! Sorry I took a while to get around to this, but thank you so much for exchanging with me at all! I had a lot of fun getting into this story, and am looking forward to catching up when I'm not exhausted. Again, I do apologize for my lateness, but here we go!

So, some interesting things happened in both of these chapters. We have the formation of Team Searchlights, and this trio going on an adventure to find Flapple. I really liked the opening to chapter 6, being told from (I think) one of the Kecleon brother's POV? I am like 99% sure he's gone shadowy which is why his prose read so...freaked out, I guess. You did really well in establishing that sort of atmosphere of overall doom--something is clearly very wrong with them, and I hope they can be helped! I'm quite curious to see how that plays out, because I'm guessing they might be pretty important to the story as a whole? We'll see. I'm ready!

I also really liked the training scene we got, where Gen figures out he knows Assurance really well--I particularly enjoyed the concept that Assurance is being built from his frustration (I have to assume a lot of that is built from his situation as a whole), and I like the idea that delving into that overall frustration powers it up! I do wonder why he's taking a hot second to learn Water Gun though.......and part of me thinks he might have picked up on Assurance so quickly because of his possible relationship to why all these Pokemon have gone shadowy??? I guess Dark type moves aren't the same as Shadowy movies but I can't help but think there's some sort of connection??????? I guess I'll find out.

Being that this story is mostly being written from first person POV, I feel like you have a lot more room to really get into the thoughts of whoever we're following, especially Gen. He's anxious, he has a lot on his mind, and I would really like to see that come through in his exposition. Right now, his thought seem very....stacatto to me, if that makes sense. Like, we seem to follow a fixed process of Gen asking a question to himself, he thinks lightly on it, then comes to a conclusion. I would really like to see more prose toward his seemingly spiralling mental state, as he continues to grapple with himself around the idea of "should I tell the truth? Should I lie? Can I trust them? Do I want to keep going here? Should I go back?" There's a lot of set-up here to things going wrong, and I feel like we're only scratching the surface as to what Gen might be feeling (or anybody else really), so I would want to see you dig a little deeper in the future!

I didn't have many line-edits here, but a couple things did stick out somewhat.

How did I pull off Assurance, anyways?

I noticed you used "anyways" a lot in chapter 7, and "anyways" isn't a word--you want to stick to "anyway"!

A power boost y.

I think that was a typo?

It felt as though my life force was being evaporated. It was agony.

This goes back into what I said about digging deeper into Gen's thoughts and feelings. This description feels like it's only lightly touching on his feelings, so I want to see it go deeper--tell us about how he felt his energy leaving him, tell us how his eyelids went heavy as that energy was sapped from him, tell us about how heavy his body started to feel, and how he had to struggle to keep himself upright. Show us how it was agonizing!

That's it for now! Will be back around once I catch up on my other exchanges and get started on some other tales. Keep up the good work, my dude!! <3

 

[IFBench]

Chapter 13: The Worst of Times

Gen​

"Gen! It's almost time for school!"

I hopped out of bed, and got dressed. Same old bed, same old dresser, same old bookshelf.

It was so good to be home at last.

I made my way down the hallway to the kitchen, and everything was just as I remembered it. Were the past two days just a bad dream? Wonder what school would be like today. Hopefully the Game Corner wouldn't be too rowdy when I clocked in.

… I think I'll make myself some pancakes for breakfast today. I think I have time.

As I walked to the kitchen, I saw a familiar Chikorita and Charmander lounging in the living room on the couch, watching a movie sitting alongside my brother. I smiled, and waved at them. I was so happy to be friends with them both.

"Hello, Gen!" Burhalla said, waving back at me. My mother's Flaafy baaed, curled up next to the couch. She'd been a part of my family for as long as I could remember. It was nice to finally see her again.

"Gen…"

I entered the kitchen, and looked up at the stove. It was an older model, with the same drab, yet polished finish it had. But something was different about it this time. It was so high up...it would be difficult to turn it on. The stovetop must've been a full three times my height off the ground, who on earth built it like that?

Wait a minute… why was I so small to begin with?

I looked down at myself, only to see tiny white arms, blue fur, and a scalchop on my chest. What?! What was going on?! What was wrong with my body?! Why was I still an Oshawott?!

"Come on, Gen!"

Around me, streaks of rainbow cut through the house, the stove, cabinets, floor, and walls dissolving away into a mesmerizing, colorful void. I screamed as the floor tiles below me disappeared.

"Gen, hurry up and save the world already!"

A giant, pink and black hand reached out for me. It grabbed me and—

Blanket Fort 7F​

My eyes shot open. It was just a dream. Just a dream.

I was still an Oshawott. I was still stuck here, stuck like this.

What was with that dream, though? It started off normal, but then my teammates were in my house back in Goldenrod…and there was a voice talking to me about…something.

Already I was having trouble remembering anything about it. I tried to focus on my dream, but the details wouldn't come.

…hopefully it really was just a dream, and not something like a vision of the future.

I opened my eyes further, stretched my arms and legs, and—

…why was everything so dark? Shouldn't Burhalla's flame keep things lit?

I gazed around, and felt my eyes widen in horror. I could barely see what was around me, but I could tell one thing.

My teammates were gone.

I was alone.

No. No no no no no!

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. They had to still be nearby, right?

Immediately, I clutched tightly onto my reunion cape, as I looked for the exit to the blanket fort. Something about clutching onto it made me feel less alone, and safer. It felt comforting. Hopefully Saltriv and Burhalla had just woken up early…they were probably just off eating breakfast.

Why were the walls so far away? And so tall, too…I knew I was really short now, but they couldn't have been this tall before, right?

I hesitated, then stood up, before walking over to one of the blanket walls. I tapped it, but it didn't move at all.

What's going on?! This wasn't how things were when I went to sleep! What happened?! Where were my teammates?!

"Burhalla? S-Saltriv?" I asked, glancing around. No response. Just me, the straw bed, and a bunch of blankets I could barely see in the dark.

"Please? P-please be there…please…"

I-I couldn't be all alone, right? Right? I could see my surroundings a bit better now. There were some patterns on these blankets that weren't on the ones we used. But there was no one else here. No one but myself.

No. No no no no no. Wh-What on earth even happened here? Where were we? Were we even still in the house? Did the blanket fort somehow become a mystery dungeon? Did Saltriv and Burhalla abandon me? Did they decide I was just a burden?

Wooosh.

I felt a breeze sweep past me, and noticed a Shuppet in the corner of my eyesight. Was that a person? Or a dungeon Pokemon? Either way, I felt uneasy about it.

"Um, h-hi…" I said, gripping tightly onto my reunion cape. In response, a deep magenta aura surrounded the Shuppet, then the aura erupted from the ground around me.

The aura surrounded me—

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts!

So much pain. It was like every centimeter of my body felt like it was being stabbed by a thousand knives! I whimpered, trembling as I tried to back away from the Shuppet.

W-Was this...what some moves could feel like? What did that Shuppet just do to me?! I looked back towards the Ghost-type and felt my blood run cold. The Shuppet was still there, worse, it was floating closer.

I screamed, running away from the Shuppet as fast as I could through the pain.

"PLEASE! M-MOM, DAD, N-NISA, SOMEONE, ANYONE! P-PLEASE!"

The Shuppet only grew closer. Everything hurt. It hurt so much. I was so, so scared. I just wanted to go home. To be anywhere but here.

I felt something soft press up against my back. I was up against the wall. I was cornered. I was going to die. I was going to die.

In the back of my mind, I noticed that I had instinctively pulled my scalchop off my chest, and was now holding it in my right paw. A pale green glow surrounded it.

The Shuppet Screeched, and I screamed. I turned around, and cut at the blankets in the wall as fast as I could. I needed to get out of here. I needed to.

I ignored the sound of fabric ripping and tearing, continuing to hack away at the blankets. I managed to tear a hole in the blankets big enough for me, and before I even saw what laid beyond, I leapt through, away from the Shuppet.

As soon as I tumbled out through the tear in the fabric, the pain began fading, and I could focus again. Immediately, my eyes widened in surprise, and I yelped, as I realized that there was no ground beneath my feet.

I was falling through a rainbow void, just like the place that platform was on. The one I woke up on before I became an Oshawott.

There was no platform this time, though. All that was there was the abyss I was falling in, the colors racing past me as I plummeted. I probably ought to have been screaming, but somehow, I was too wrapped up with the colors of the void.

What was going to happen to me now? Was I going to be sent to a completely different world again? Was I going to go home? Would I just fall forever this time? Would—

Suddenly, I felt myself slow to a stop, leaving me floating in the void. I gripped tightly onto my reunion cape. Just what was going on?! This was almost as weird and scary as the platform itsel—

There was something in front of me.

It was…horrific. It was like the skeletons of an Aerodactyl and Kabutops merged together, with a cruel, ghostly grin, surrounded by garbled, flashing lines of light…

Wait…garbled, flashing lines of light…no, no it couldn't be! M-MissingNo was supposed to be an urban legend! There were just two major Johtonese legendaries, not some phantom third one like the cheap tabloids in the grocery store sometimes claimed! MissingNo wasn't real!

And yet here it was, in front of me.

And it was reaching for me.

I screamed, and tried to get away, but I could only flail in place, as it reached a tendril towards me.

"HELP!" I shouted into the void. But nobody came. MissingNo only screeched a garbled noise in response.

I clutched tighter onto my reunion cape. Was this it for me? Would I never see my family again, and be subjected to whatever fate Missingno wanted?

Wait, my reunion cape! "They can reunite you with someone, no matter the distance" Saltriv had told me. Could it get me out of here?

I didn't know if it had a connection…but I had to try. I had to. I had to. Or…

I tapped the bow of my reunion cape, hoping with all my heart that it had a connection.

In the blink of an eye, MissingNo and the rainbow void disappeared, and I felt myself hurtling through who-knows-what. I spotted a speck of orange—

SMACK!

===================================================================

Saltriv's Home

Sturece​

I waited at the table, with breakfast ready for Saltriv and their friends. Arbstea was still sleeping, but even so, the table shouldn't have been this empty. Saltriv should've woken up by now.

… Did a repeat of last time happen? That would explain why they're taking so long. I really hoped not, though. I didn't want to have to reprimand Saltriv only days after their return.

I should go check on them. I trotted over to the entrance of their room, and stuck my neck in.

"Saltriv? Are you awake?" I asked.

Everything seemed alright. There was no signs of a disturbance, but I couldn't see into the blanket fort. There was nothing but darkness inside—

I froze, as my mind turned to the stories of Mossy Town. After it had become a mystery dungeon, all that anyone had found of it from outside was an entrance that couldn't be seen through. My breaths started to come in and out in a panic. I could see the darkened entrance as clear as day, the blanket fort had become a mystery dungeon!

Oh, nonononono. No! Not Saltriv! Not after just getting them back after so long! And their friends! I couldn't see hide or scale of them! Did that mean they were also in…?

There was no time to waste, I reflexively made my way to the entrance of the Mystery Dungeon, only to catch myself at the entrance. It'd been so long since I went dungeoning… and I had no idea what on earth I'd find going into it on the other side.

I hesitated a moment. I really, really hated not going after Saltriv right then and there, but I knew enough about Mystery Dungeons to know that I couldn't do this alone. Plunging headfirst into an unexplored Mystery Dungeon wasn't a walk about Overcast Village, much less trying to do that with nothing but a satchel of pecha berries to help me while inside.

A-Acacia and Lidequir. They had done this sort of thing before. And they were both still nearby in town, I needed to get them over here immediately!

===================================================================

Blanket Fort, 4F

Saltriv​

Keep calm. Calm down. Don't let myself panic.

The wisps around me dissipated, and I continued down the narrow corridor in the blankets. I felt my leaf brush up against a grey one as it swayed. Where on earth did all of these come from anyways? We couldn't have used more than a half-dozen blankets at most when building our fort, and somehow this Mystery Dungeon had created what must've been hundreds of them!

I don't want to use that move, ever again! And if I just stay calm, it won't happen!

I… I just need to not get overwhelmed.

Where were Burhalla and Gen? It's been at least an hour, and I've seen no sign of either of them at all.

They were probably alright. We're in a blanket fort right now. How bad could it be as a Mystery Dungeon? We'd surely all find each other and get out of here soon!

I just need to keep moving, and never give up! No matter how scary or dark things get.

I missed the sunshine.

I walked into a room, and my left foreleg bumped into something in front of me. I looked down, trying to see what it was in the darkness.

Two rectangular objects… books? No, journals! My journal was there! I thought I had lost it forever after our fort became a mystery dungeon! And the journal I had gotten for Gen was right next to it!

I smiled as I placed the two journals into my bag. Once we're all out of here, I can show Gen his journal! I even got him one the same color as his chest fur!

I hope he likes it.

…I hope he's safe.

===================================================================

Blanket Fort, 6F

Burhalla​

I tensed up against a wall, as a Wooloo rushed at me with a Headbutt. I spat an Ember at a Wooloo, knocking it out just before it could reach me. A Stufful was next, and I barely dodged out of the way of its lunge. It collapsed onto the ground, defeated, and my heavy breathing began to return to normal.

Th-That was way too close.

Everything had just been battle after battle, since just after I woke up. I could hear myself pant and my breaths come out ragged. With how little time there was to recuperate between each fight, I was starting to feel exhausted. I must not have slept well either before waking up, since I felt like I was going to fall asleep at any moment. I could see my tail light flicker and dim, though I didn't need to look back to tell it was wavering, I could feel it.

N-No! I couldn't just fall asleep here! I had to keep going, and get us out of here! Saltriv and Gen might be in danger right now! I had to keep myself awake, but… how?

… Wait a minute, Drakloak gave us an insomniscope. I was pretty sure I never took it out of my bag. If it was still in there, I could use it.

I reached into my bag, and saw those Hoothoot-like goggles. I took them out, and stuck them over my eyes. I didn't have any horns yet to fasten the sides around like Drakloak could, but luckily this model of insomniscope came with sticky sides, allowing me to stick them to the sides of my head.

Already, as I went on that train of thought, I could feel my tiredness slipping away. Good. One problem taken care of…many more to go.

I peeked back inside my bag, and spotted two blue books that weren't there before, one labeled "Saltriv" and the other "Gen".

I smiled. Looks like Saltriv had gotten that journal for Gen...though I wish we could have given him it together.

No time to think about that, though. We were separated, and lost in a mystery dungeon.

At least the journals being in this bag meant that either Saltriv, Gen, or both were safe. But where were they—

SMACK!

I yelped as I felt something crash down onto me from above. I wobbled, then my head hit the thankfully soft ground with a thump. What was that?!

I stood back up and looked around, and looked up to see...Gen? He was trembling, breathing in and out rapidly, and clinging tightly onto his reunion cape.

Berry crackers, was he having a panic attack?

"Gen!" I called, leaning down and laying an arm on him. "Where were you? What happened to you?"

He didn't say anything, only whimpered and clutched onto my arm. What on earth had happened to him?! I couldn't remember ever seeing him this much of a nervous wreck since we met. Was he really that terrified of being alone?

Whatever happened, he clearly needed some comfort.

I put my arms around him and pulled him into a hug, slowly rubbing a hand against his back. That always worked well to help calm Valorch's anxiety, maybe it'd work here too.

"It's ok, it's ok. You're safe now," I said. "I'm here. You're not alone anymore."

Gen's breathing began to slow, and his trembling started to subside. "B-Burhalla…" He said weakly, before hugging me tightly.

"We'll get out of here. It's going to be ok," I said, moving my tail flame closer to him, trying to provide some comforting warmth. He leaned closer to it, whimpering, an anguished look on his face.

"I'm scared…I'm scared…it hurt so much…" he said.

My eyes narrowed. What hurt so much? What did this to him?

"Gen…what happened to you?" I asked, loosening my grip on him.

"I-I think a S-Shuppet did something to me me. I r-ran into one, and there was a pink aura, a-and-" he answered. I could see a few tears run down his face. He looked really shaken.

"I-It really hurt, Burhalla! E-Everything on my body felt like it was getting stabbed!"

Berry crackers! He got Cursed?! No wonder he was such a wreck! Immediately, I dug into my bag and pawed through it. Something felt off about the contents though. I looked down into the bag and froze for a moment with a horrified gasp.

I-I never put any heal seeds in there before coming to Saltriv's!

H-How on earth did I-? Deep breaths. Deep breaths. We could still make this work. There were still oran berries in my bag, and there was a tiny reviver seed if things came to it.

I grabbed one of the orans, and thrust it at Gen. He hesitated a few moments before eating it. His trembling began to subside.

"Thanks, Burhalla," Gen said, before hugging me again, tightly.

Huh? What the-? How was Gen hugging me? He shouldn't have enough energy for that while Cursed.

… Was he lying to me?

No, he'd never do something like that. We're friends. He hasn't lied to me yet, and he was so scared after he'd hurt me. I trust him.

He must have healed the Curse on his own. Yeah, that was probably the explanation.

"Are you feeling better now?" I asked Gen, and he nodded.

"Alright! Let's find Saltriv, and get out of here!" I said, raising an arm into the air.

I smiled as I saw Gen do the same.

===================================================================

Blanket Fort 6F, Five Minutes Later

Gen​

Me and Burhalla trudged down a corridor, side by side. I huddled close to him as we walked to the next room of this floor of the mystery dungeon. The patterns on the blankets were getting increasingly bizarre, I just saw one with splotches of orange and brown patterned with Bidoofs.

Burhalla was with me. I wasn't alone anymore. We were safe. I was safe.

What had even happened back there? Burhalla had told me this had become a mystery dungeon. This place, this place I thought was safe, had become just like Twig Woodland and Blistering Shore, and that terrified me.

Even so, that still didn't explain the rainbow void or Missingno.

It was Missingno, I recognized the garbled lines of light and skeletal appearance from the covers of fantasy stories… Did… that mean the legends were really true? Were there really three major Legendary Pokémon of Johto long ago? Lugia, Ho-oh, and Missingno?

I could worry about that later, once we were out of here. Once we were far away from any Shuppets.

There was something else that was bothering me, though.

"How are there Pokemon in here?" I asked, walking by a pink spotted blanket. "We're still in Saltriv's house, aren't we? So how could a bunch of Pokémon suddenly have gotten into this Mystery Dungeon?"

"...I don't have any idea. Nobody does," Burhalla answers, his tail flame flickering.

Wait, what?! Nobody knew?! Surely that couldn't be right. Mystery dungeons sounded like such a common thing here. Someone had to know how, right?

"Huh?! What do you mean?" I replied, glancing behind myself.

"Nobody knows exactly what dungeon Pokemon are. There's usually just the normal Hostiles and Dociles, but then there's stuff like that really aggressive Krokorok in Blistering Shore, and there was even one found a few months back that was like you and me, even if he couldn't talk, and he joined the team who found him!" Burhalla said. "He's an Oshawott, just like you, and they found him with a Treecko that was also like him. Almost as if the two were made to be partners with one another. I heard they're living in Moonlight Town now, helping Jolteon with dungeon research."

"How…" I trailed off. All of the Pokemon in these dungeons seemed like wild animals or particularly hostile wild Pokemon in my world, so if there was one that was sapient like Burhalla...

"Point being, there's no real pattern to them. They just...appear," Burhalla said, his fire dimming. "I wish I could tell you more."

I felt even more confused than before, but nonetheless, I said, "Thanks."

Maybe I should go talk to that other Oshawott. Maybe he could give me some advice on how to get by as one until I found a way home...and maybe I could get some answers about what happened to me, too.

Soon, we arrived in the room, only to come face-to-face with a Flaafy. I really hoped this was a docile. I didn't want to have to fight one, it'd be like fighting my mom's Flaafy. I don't think I could bear hurting it—

"AAAAAAAAH!"

Electricity surged through me, and I screamed. Not docile! Not docile!

Burhalla had a horrified expression on his face. He breathed an Ember at the Flaafy before running towards me. It cried out in pain, and I winced.

All I could see was my mom's Flaafy getting hurt.

I tried to tell myself that this wasn't them. This was just a wild Pokemon, not a Pokemon I've known for most of my life.

But the mental image wouldn't go away—

Pain surged through me, as it shocked me once again. Burhalla arrived at my side, but not before Scratching the Flaafy.

"What's wrong? Why aren't you attacking?" he asked me, a concerned look in his eyes.

"I…" I began, unsure how to explain it without giving myself away. Before I could give an answer, though, I screamed as I saw the Flaafy lunge at me, terror filling my body. No longer did I see my mother's Flaafy, there was just something bleating and sparking that was coming towards me far too fast.

I grasped at my scalchop, and frantically slashed at the Flaafy. Again and again and again, until I saw the Flaafy faint. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, and tried to calm my nerves.

As I pulled my arm away, I saw that my scalchop was glowing the same pale green color as when I cut through the blankets. What was that? Did I pull off another move?

Burhalla walked over, and when he looked at my scalchop, he smiled. "Ah! That was Fury Cutter! Congrats on pulling it off!"

Wait, Fury Cutter? But isn't Fury Cutter a bug-type move? But Oshawott are water-type Pokémon, since when did they learn Fury Cutter?

… I guess I knew a lot less about Oshawotts than I thought.

Though…if water-type moves needed calm to happen, what sort of emotion did bug-type moves need?

… Yeah, I'll wait until we're out of here to worry about that.

"The stairs!" Burhalla shouted, pointed towards a hole in the floor, where a set of stairs descended. "Come on, let's go!"

Before I headed over, I looked down at the Flaafy fainted on the ground. I felt a twinge of guilt, as I thought of the Flaafy I had known for most of my life.

… No, this wasn't the same Flaafy. This wasn't the one I knew.

I hurried over, and together, we proceeded to the next floor.

===================================================================

Blanket Fort 5F

Saltriv​

I walked through the corridor, past the multicolored walls of blankets. It feels like it's been hours since I woke up in here. Was I even going the right way?

I had to run into Burhalla or Gen soon, right?

This was a nightmare…the blanket fort we built became a prison.

Nearly everything that happened recently was a nightmare. I went missing for months, and when I came back I was apparently able to use a shadow move!

Both Leon and Wilsa had gone missing in my absence, too…just how many more Pokemon were going to disappear into the shadows? I was worried about Wilsa especially. Leon was one of the strongest Pokemon I knew, but Treeckos like Wilsa weren't the toughest.

I hoped she'd be ok. I hoped everyone would be ok.

I really, really hoped things would get better soon… Pokemon going shadowy and mystery dungeons popping up more often, this had to be another crisis.

A human had to have come in reaction to all this, right?

As I entered the next room, my eyes widened, as I saw two Meganiums and a Wartortle talking.

"Mom!" I shouted, running towards her and Team Seedlings.

"SALTRIV!" mom yelled.

Before I knew it, I was wrapped in her vines. Acacia put a petal against my leaf as he sighed in relief, and Lidequir was smiling even brighter than during her jokes.

"You're alright, you're alright, thank Tapu Fini you're alright…" mom said, rubbing my back.

"You're not hurt, are ya?" Lidequir asked, laying a hand on my leaf.

"N-Nope, I didn't," I answered, my leaf beginning to lift back up. "I didn't run into any hostiles. I…I'm ok."

"I was so scared we wouldn't find you…" mom said, trembling.

Oh no, I really worried her… I tried my best to force a smile, to try to cheer her up.

"It's ok! I'm safe now!" I said with a wag of my tail.

"Let's get out o—" Acacia began, before catching himself. My uncle looked at me briefly before turning his attention off around our surroundings, frowning. Was… something the matter with me right now? I thought I was fine, but…"

"Saltriv, do you know where Gen and Burhalla are?" he asked, giving me a concerned look.

Oh. Right.

"I…haven't seen them since I fell asleep," I answered, my leaf drooping.

Lidequir exchanged a worried glance with Acacia, and mom's petals tensed up.

"... We need to find them soon, they couldn't possibly have prepared well for this place," Acacia said, his antennae flattened against his head. "Stay close to us, Saltriv. We'll go look for them."

"Right! Lead the way!" I answered, trotting closer towards my mother, uncle, and his teammate.

Before I reached them, though, I heard the sound of something growling. I froze.

"Saltriv! Look out!" mom said, pulling me to the side, and my eyes widened in horror as I saw a Bewear charging at us!

Mom twitched her petals, and a Protect barrier wrapped around us all. The Bewear bonked into it, but the barrier shattered as it did so. Berry crackers, this was really bad! But mom, my uncle, and Lidequir could handle it, right?

"Stay behind me!" mom shouted, and I darted behind her. The Bewear roared, before smashing an arm into Acacia with a Hammer Arm. I heard him cry out in pain as something cracked.

"U-Uncle Acacia!"

Acacia slumped over onto the ground, breathing hoarsely as he tried to right himself. No, no no no! Th-This couldn't be happening!

Mom gasped, and twitched her petals again. Reflect barriers surrounded us all, as Lidequir rushed towards the Bewear, his head glowing for a Skull Bash.

"I'll be fine! I've dealt with far worse!" Acacia said, reaching into his bag with a vine. The Bewear swung its arms directly at Acacia's neck—

NO!

I felt something surge from me, and watched as shadowy tendrils shot at the Bewear…as well as mom, Acacia, and Lidequir. Nononono! Not this move again! Not with my family! Not now!

I heard several cries of pain, and both the Bewear and Lidequir were knocked to the ground. I saw patches of skin on both mom and Acacia turning a withered tan, and there were cracks in one of the plates of Lidequir's shell. The Bewear stood back up, fury in its eyes, before a Solar Beam from Acacia knocked it back down.

It was over…but I hurt them! I hurt my family!

I rushed out of the room, trembling. I heard mom calling my name, but I didn't care. I couldn't let them see me again, after seeing me use that move.

How could I ever face them again after doing that?

===================================================================

Blanket Fort 5F

Gen​

As we entered the next room, Burhalla's eyes widened, and he ran over to something reddish on the floor. "Hey, come look at this! I've never seen a seed like this before!" he said, and I hurriedly waddled over.

It was an odd object, looking a bit like a gigantic sunflower seed, even bigger than the blast or totter seeds I've seen. Around it were three red protrusions... They looked very similar to the red clouds that had swirled around me when I stepped into the pillar of red light in Blistering Shore! Right when… I lost control of myself.

"What do you think it is?" I asked, cautiously tapping it with a foot.

"I dunno…but it's definitely a seed. And something about those red plumes look familiar," Burhalla said, picking it up and turning it over, before placing it in his bag. "I'll keep it in our bags. It might come in handy."

Suddenly, something green and red knocked into Burhalla. I yelped, before breathing a sigh of relief, recognizing them as my Chikorita roommate.

Saltriv's eyes widened, they took a step back, and they hesitated briefly. My ears twitched, and I wondered if something was wrong, but before I knew it, a smile found its way onto their face.

"Burhalla! Gen! You're both ok!" Saltriv exclaimed, sprouting four vines, wrapping them around me and Burhalla in a hug as their tail wagged. "You're ok!"

Burhalla chuckled, hugging Saltriv back, and I joined in. Now that we were all together, I felt so much safer.

Burhalla let go of Saltriv, and said, "Now we just need to get out of here—"

SHOOOOOOM!

My eyes widened, and I hurriedly looked around for the source of the strange noise, before spotting a beam of red light shooting from the ground into the air, just a short distance away.

Just like the one that made me Dynamax.

Burhalla put a hand on me, and another on Saltriv. A worried look was on his face, before turning fierce.

"Let's stay far away from that," He said, with narrow eyes. I nodded. I didn't want a repeat of last time.

"Vee? Eev Eevee!"

I looked around again, spotting an Eevee emerging from one of the corridors in the room. I put an arm on my scalchop, getting ready for a fight.

"Voi?" it said, backing away from us, before looking around.

"Just a docile, no need to worry," Burhalla said. "Now, let's—"

"Eevee!" the Eevee cried, crouching like it was ready to pounce.

But it wasn't looking at me, Saltriv, or Burhalla.

It was looking directly at the red beam of light.

Before any of us could react, the Eevee took off running and dashed towards it.

"STOP!" Burhalla yelled, spitting an Ember at it, but it was undeterred. The Eevee entered the beam of light, and its fur began bristling as its ears rapidly twitched. Burhalla looked on in horror, and Saltriv put a vine on each of us, their leaf quivering.

I watched in horror as it grew bigger and bigger, and also…fluffier? As the Eevee grew in size, the mane around its neck enveloped its torso as well. It would be adorable if it wasn't towering over all of us and able to squish us by rolling over.

As it stopped growing, three red clouds appeared around the Eevee's left ear, nearly identical to the protrusions around the seed we found.

"VOI?" it said, looking down at itself, before touching its mane with a forepaw. Its eyes lit up, and a wide smile appeared on its face. "VEE! VEEVEVEVEVEVEVEE!"

Crap, it dynamaxed! Is it going to go berserk like…like I did?

I glanced over at my teammates, huddled up against each other. Burhalla's flame was wavering. "We need to get out of here!" he exclaimed.

That… would be easier said than done. There were only two exits to the room and the Eevee was blocking both of them. … We were trapped.

We needed to wait it out.

"VOI VOI VOI!" It exclaimed, and I felt the ground rumble. Cracks began to spread throughout the ground, spidering towards us and centering around—

"Saltriv! Move!" I shouted. Their eyes widened, and they leapt away, just before the ground erupted beneath where they were before, and a beam of energy shot up into the sky.

I didn't want to know what that would have done if it had hit Saltriv.

"What was that move?!" Burhalla exclaimed. "It looked normal-type, but—Ack, Gen! Watch out!"

I felt the air start to get colder, and looked up. I screamed as I saw several massive chunks of ice falling towards me.

I hurried out of the way of one, only for a shard of it to strike me, knocking me to the ground. Another was falling straight for me, and there was no way I could escape in time. I closed my eyes, trying to brace myself.

The ice crashed into me, and I screamed out in pain. Less pain than I was expecting, and I didn't feel anything break. Silver linings, I guess?

Pokemon are supposed to be pretty resilient, after all. I guess it made sense I wouldn't get hurt too badly by a move now that I'm one.

I looked up, and saw that there was only one red cloud left around the Eevee's ear now. They were almost all gone. It was almost over.

"VEEEE!" the Eevee exclaimed, as three stars fell from above, landing next to me, Saltriv, and Burhalla. They sparkled, and before any of us could scream, they exploded into energy, and I yelped as pain flowed through my body.

I don't think I'll ever see Galarian Pokemon battles in the same way after this ever again. I'm not sure if I'd want to see one of them ever again.

The final cloud dissipated, and the Eevee yelped. It began to shrink, its body gradually returning to normal and the extra fluffiness of its mane disappearing.

Soon, there was just a regularly-sized Eevee, looking completely confused. It looked around, before yawning and lying down, closing its eyes.

As the Eevee fell asleep, I breathed a sigh of relief, before collapsing onto the ground. It was over. It was over.

I looked over at my teammates, also both lying on the ground, breathing heavily. They seemed shaken from the encounter, and so was I.

"That was terrifying…I thought we were done for!" Saltriv said, twitching their leaf.

"We made it, though," Burhalla said, before taking out three orans and an escape orb from his bag. "Let's heal and get out of here."

I nodded, standing up and waddling over to his side. I took one of the orans and ate it, savoring it. After everything that had happened, it tasted so delicious.

Burhalla ate one as well, and Saltriv grabbed the last one with a vine and ate it, too. We stood there for a while, before Burhalla raised the orb into the air. "Ready?" he asked.

"Wait, not yet!" Saltriv exclaimed, running up to us. "Mom and Team Seedlings are in here! They're looking for us!"

"Let's go look for them—" Burhalla began.

"SALTRIV!"

A large, green blur suddenly entered the room and rushed over to Saltriv. Burhalla and I jumped back as we watched a Meganium barrel in, snatching up Saltriv with a pair of vines and holding them with a wide-eyed stare down at them.

"There you are!" The Meganium said. "I was so worried after you ran off from us!"

Saltriv… ran off from them? What on earth happened to them while we were separated?

Two more Pokemon entered the room, a Wartortle and another Meganium, both with scarves. "What's gotten into you? Why would you run off on your own in a Mystery Dungeon like that?" The Wartortle, Lidequir, asked.

"I…" Saltriv's smile disappeared, and their leaf quivered.

Acacia stepped closer to Saltriv, and said, "If it's about that move, nobody's mad—"

Their eyes were wide with terror, their leaf quivering. Burhalla's eyes widened.

What move? Was…was it the shadow move they used back in Blistering Shore?

"Please…not right now," Saltriv interrupted.

"...I understand," Saltriv's mom said, setting Saltriv back down on the ground. Burhalla laid a hand on their back, a concerned look on his face.

What had happened with them before we reunited?

Lidequir looked towards me and Burhalla, and smiled. "Hey, glad to see you two are alright as well!"

I tried to force a smile, and said, "Uh, thanks. How long were you, um, looking for us?"

"We can talk more once we're out of here," Acacia said, glancing at Burhalla. "Let's escape this dungeon."

Burhalla nodded. "Let's get out of here!"

He threw the escape orb at the ground, and it shattered. Pillars of light enveloped us all, as we escaped the blanket fort.

 

[Chibi Pika]

Chapter 12:

Nice sensory detail with the chocolate chip cookies. It was interesting to see how things taste kind of similar to Gen in his new body, but not quite the same. That's something that I don't see mentioned a lot in stories where the protag gets transformed, so it was cool to see here. In general I've noticed more focus on sensory details in the recent chapters, and I think it helps make the narration feel more immersive, so good job there.

"One Night Ultimate Human" lololol

I like how from the way Lidequir talked to Gen, she made it sound like it was pretty much a given that he's a human but just doesn't remember it. Like, she goes on about how he's going to get a partner, which wouldn't even be a thing if he wasn't human. And things really would be better for Gen if he just told her!

Nice surreal moment with Burhalla walking toward the entrance of the fort and failing to reach it. Felt very dreamlike, but nope! A mystery dungeon! Well, this sure does hammer home that they can literally form anywhere, lol. And yet... I wonder if it wasn't just a coincidence that it formed here of all places. If it formed around the protags for a reason...

Chapter 13:

I like how the dream just has Saltriv and Burhalla hangin' with Gen's bro like it's totally mundane, nothing weird about it. It's that very genuine dream logic where different parts of your life just get mushed together and it's perfectly normal.

"Blanket Fort 7F" is just an inherently hilarious phrase, I love it.

Lotta nice mortal peril in this chapter, and I definitely noticed a step up in the descriptions. Where earlier chapters might have just said what Gen was feeling, here I felt a lot more like I was feeling it with him. The different narrators also felt particularly distinct.

MissingNo. 👀 Now there's something I didn't expect to see. I like how it's just an urban legend where Gen's from. Wondering if it's related to the distortions causing the dungeons.

It's occurred to me that if the protags had a writing implement, they could actually send instant messages to each other using a notebook in that ender chest bag. I wonder if something like that will come up later. 👀

I do enjoy when Curse is portrayed as a pretty nasty move, because having my Pokemon get cursed in my first Gold playthrough was horrifying.
Curious about the implication that he wasn't really cursed, though? At least, Burhalla seemed to think so. But Gen really was telling the truth about getting attacked, so something else is up...

Considering that dungeon Pokemon tend to not be regular Pokemon in this setting, the fact that a dungeon Oshawott and Treecko were actually sapient is definitely suspicious as heck.

Nice improvements overall in this batch of chapters! Til next time~

 

[ShiniGojira]

Hi, Bench! Hope you're having a good day!

I've just read through chapters 1 to 3,and I have to say they're pretty good.

You've done a good job making me care for this world and the characters.

Chapter 1 did good in introducing Gen. Chapter 2 gave us some interesting mysteries with the disappearances and Saltriv. Then in chapter 3 we see the trio going through a dungeon and apparently Gen can sense things (Maybe it was just a coincidence or maybe not), and with Saltriv's perspective on time being different is interesting and makes me want to know more of these disappearances.

And yeah, amazing first 3 chapters and take care, Bench!

 

[K_S]

hi here for catnip. I tackled the first two chapters and did a line-by-line reaction with your requests in mind.

Chapter 1

Loving how we go from “what time is it?” mentality to a “whaaaat”, it’s a nice use and springboard for an amnesiac heroes tale.

So from the wake-up, we discover no man is an island, just on a flat grassy knoll….

With the pinch failing, I suspect willing themselves to wake isn’t going to work. However the panic, response to a new situation/setting feels very organic for whatever this is and what they are dealing with. I like your use of the surreal and how you tie it with semi-logical case and effect. The mailbox being snapped off by… whatever… leads to the base/post dissolving and the glassifying of the land after to give a hint of what ‘mon the character will be turned into… The dissolving of the post made me think of Deli clock painting. How you incorporated the pregame material, the color personality test into the ribbon the MC (main character) is so fixated on, the character’s personal ‘mon choice being shown in the reflection…

But getting your partner by throwing a piece of paper? Yeesh, bad luck draw there… though grass/water pairs cover so many types it might keep one safe.., strategically speaking. Though I wonder… the voice/instructions said pick and save one, the chikorita wasn’t technically picked or was picked accidentally, it might leave an escape clause for the unsaved masses as it were.


Chapter 2



Ah so this is the other side of things. I’m guessing the unsaved and missing correlate. The protag comes across as very young (reference to school and their own mentality)

I’m curious as to the process of “getting better’ but considering the protag’s age I don’t think it’s going to be elaborated here.

V-wave? Not too sure what this is about, seems like a type match up thing but the line hasn’t been built up enough for me to do little more than guess.

Are the ‘mon the protag’s mentioning his friends. (aaron rockruff) Well even if they can’t get a team together and add on the weight of parental disapproval, I can see this protag taking a step back to think things over... cool their adventurous impulses. It'll be a nice way to build up the character, town, etc as they pluck up supplies and nerve to go forwards...

(continues reading)

Or at least make someone think twice about it, before doing a very dodgy supply check before actually going out and make bad life choices….

Not being too savvy with the game canon could you explain what PNS-NT is?

Flame tail, I suspect our protag might be a charmander, let’s see.

Granted if they all get along and work together you have the special hard hitter types (the main starter types nicely cued up and in a row to start spamming type weaknesses.)

And we’re back to waking… For Gen at least… I wonder did the Chi’ actually see Gen as a human? Well, hopefully, it comes up.

Laughs, literally twig huh? I imagine it makes a noisy hiking ground. And I’m taking the talking Chik’ is in the camp of “fellow amnesiac” though not as seriously since they know their name and aren’t freaking out too bad, so the pregame menu was sorta remembered as a dream for them… it’ll be interesting to see how Gen responds…

Ah the “I don’t know, what do you know” card. This could go very bad or be pretty funny… considering Burhalla the charmander forgot the escape item.. I’m leaning towards “bad”. Its interesting to see how a (probably, their fixating on the escape ROPE for example, though no mention of the team, perhaps a regular joe from that world then…) trainer is responding to this ‘mon only world. I look forward to their reaction to town, you know seeing it. If they get out of the dungeon alright that is.

 

[Umbramatic]

Hi! I'm back again for Catnip! Did Chapter 4 this time.

The Boys are finally FREE of the dungeon! Only to encounter OVERBEARING PARENTS! I do have to wonder how a Typhyosion is a father to a Charmander, unless egg groups aren't really a thing in this setting. Also the "i'm a human i swear" thing is a common scam huh? wonder how that happened.

Then the gang winds up in YE OLDE PMD TOWN and gets acquainted with the locals. Including Saltriv's dad, who DOES match up with egg groups but I could be reading too much into it.

This culminates in Bench finally getting some rest. Good. He needs it. but THERE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR THE ROAD AHEAD

...Especially because apparently people back home notice he's gone! That's something I haven't seen much in my admittedly limited experience with PMD fics. Is this gonna be a recurring plot? What's up with this mysterious ribbon? ONLY TIME WILL TELL I GUESS.

This is a relatively slow chapter, but that's not a bad thing - it's a breather from all the dungeon-y action of the previous chapters and it reveals some important characters and also a probable important plotline.

But good job! see you next time i loop around to this fic.

 

[SparklingEspeon]

Hello! I’m here for the BLEC Review Awards. Been a while since I showed up here, and it looks like in the meantime there’s three new chapters for me to review! With some very… interesting premises. I’ve been lowkey eyeing coming back ever since I heard about the pillow fort mystery dungeon, and it certainly didn’t disappoint. So with that aside, let’s get into this.

I’m happy to say that nearly all my narrative issues have been addressed with this chapter. The plot’s speeding up a bit, Gen is getting pressured narratively in relevant ways, and things are happening and being unveiled. So all in all, I’d say good job with that!

It’s interesting to me that the trains here seem to be explicitly based on what humans did. Maybe it’s something I forgot, I haven’t read the first ten chapters in a long while so I may have forgotten, but I’m guessing that human influence is the doing of the Gates Hero? Not sure their name here, I thiiiink it’s the Other Gen? Honestly the two Gens are who I want to see meet the most. Can’t wait to see that conversation.

The sleepover was the second main attraction of the chapters, and I liked that we kind of got into Gen’s worries of “Oh god everything’s different here, even my body, I just wanna go home”. In particular I liked the use of different taste to illustrate that; even cookies are ruined for him now. :( In general I did feel like it was holding back here a bit. Like, it would be brought up and then dropped, and then brought up again, instead of threading together into Gen just not having fun because of it but then not being able to say anything because whoops, he lied about being a human, gg. But I’ll get to that in a bit. Liked the essence of the scene a lot though.

Plus! The blanket fort dungeon! That’s a such a wild thing to have happen; your silly blanket fort just suddenly becoming a dungeon out of nowhere. Makes me wonder what the dangers of mystery dungeons here really are, and also how the heck they’re gonna get that dungeon out of their house… Also interesting that of all things, Missingno seems to be involved in this. Literally have not seen another PMD that uses the glitchmon like that, so even though we only see a glimpse here it’s enough to keep me hooked for later. Lots of things we basically see glimpses of here but have yet to see in action substantially I think, such as the Dynamax seed and Saltriv having Shadow Moves.

For crit, I think I’ve got two big pieces, but the main one I’d cite for this section is that I think that we lean into a lot of cool ideas and conflicts here, but we could’ve leaned a looot further Imo. Notable instances for me were the conversation between Acacia and Gen, and the point in the story where he has to beat up the Flaafy even though it reminds him a lot of the one his mom would keep. I think that the conversation Gen had with Acacia would have been a lot more intriguing from Gen’s perspective. From Acacia we see confusion, yes, but from Gen we get to see his methodology for lying, how he feels, how scared he must be, and so on. And in the case of the Flaafy, I think it’s a cool idea that ties well into Gen’s issues that chapter of longing for home—he’s seeing home in everything around him, and even though everything serves to remind him that he’s not home, he keeps seeing it anyway. I think that this moment feels a bit like the climax to all that, and it would have hit a lot harder if rather than kicking the impression because he was overcome by fear, he kicked it because he realized that his home-longing is okay, but he can’t let it interfere with what’s going on in the present. And then maybe there could be a scene of him making amends with that to himself afterwards, for a rounded character arc. Felt a bit liked a missed opportunity to me, even if you didn’t want to end the homesickness arc there.

The other critique I’ve got is, again, with your prose. I noticed you added markers at the top of your transitions this time, which is very helpful! Helped me find my place a couple times. It still kind of feels like everyone talks and acts like the sameish character with some slight variations though. I’ll bring back what I said the last time, about first person and your ability to dive a lot deeper than you could with second or third. What is each character’s inner desire and temperament that drives them? Deep down, what makes Saltriv a different person from Burhalla and Gen? And then, how could you use those to filter the prose in a unique way? I remember writing an example of how filtering writing through temperament works, and though it applies to dialogue it’s sort of the same deal with prose. I’ll post it below so you can get an idea of what I mean:

Filtering Dialogue Through Character Voice:

Unaltered: "Don't do that."

Laid back: "You do you, but, y'know, probably don't do that."

Methodical: "I would advise against doing that."

Aggressive: "What the fuck, don't do that!"

Deadpan: "What the fuck. don't do that."

Passive/shy: "I, uh, really don't think that's a good idea..."

Impulsive: "Heck yeah, throttle it!"

On the whole though, I considered this advancement of the story a net positive! Seems like we’re finally digging into the grander conflict a little, and with people like Acacia around Gen will hopefully have a little more pressure on his main dynamic. Good stuff so far, keep improving!

~SparklingEspeon

 

[Namohysip]

Hey Bench! Here's a review for Eternal Shadows' 13th chapter, for Blacklight but also for some great timing with the current event.

Opening with the appearance of Missingno, huh? That's an interesting bit of fanon being introduced here, having it be some kind of third, forgotten legend of some kind, rather than a glitch in the game. Opening with the dream was also interesting, though I do wonder why he spent so much time thinking about the dream when dreams can be so much stranger. If anything, this one was much more structured. However! It was still an interesting sequence, and adds a bit of mystyery. Now, I won't say who, but the fact that this is the second time in very recent memory that I've read a story where a big twist was MissingNo is hilarious. I know it was mutually independent. Still great.

The depiction of Curse was very interesting, as was the bit about hostile pokemon apparently not being well known in Dungeons. I do find it a little silly how rapidly Burhalla goes to wondering if someone was lying to him and having to consciously remind himself of who he can believe. Talk about trust issues. I wonder if this world has proper therapy...

Saltriv's Shadow attack was quite strong, especially for it to affect such experienced Pokemon at the same time. I believe it's Shadow Half or something, if I had to make any guesses. And with the team reunited, it seems that the major things that were interesting would be acquiring a Dynamax Seed or whatever it'll be called, and the Missingno instance. I was kind of expecting to see a flash of Eternatus instead of that. Curious to see where that'll go! Thanks for the read~