Chapter 6
You could probably trim some of the blow-by-blow of Koa at the hospital waiting to be discharged, if you wanted - a lot of it doesn't really sound like it's going to be relevant.
Can't help but wish we'd had Koa react to initially seeing Blake a little here - like, was he really happy to see him at first only for Blake's lecture to feel like a slap in the face? Or, alternatively, was Koa kind of guarded and expecting this the moment he saw Blake? Or was he just grumpy and irritated about the hospital stay and not really in the mood for a visitor, and then Blake came in with this? Right now it just says Koa glanced toward the door, and nothing about how he felt about it - feels like a missed opportunity to give a little more insight into their relationship and Koa's emotional state.
Enjoying Koa's general mounting frustration and bad mood in this chapter.
Enjoyed this chapter! Some good Koa whump aftermath, lots of frustration, some plot intrigue, cute Pokémon, and his troubles with Tyrunt are entertaining. Looking forward to how they bond.
Enjoyed this opening. We can tell you are a whump fanThe sound of distant murmurings and faint but steady beeping brushed the edge of Koa's consciousness. Part of him felt weary and groggy, and he longed to simply roll over and slip into the comfortable darkness again. But with noise, came awareness, and with awareness, pain. As he shifted, hoping to fall asleep once more, a powerful, throbbing pain thundered through his skull. He took in a sharp breath, and a tight pain clenched around his chest. Slowly, gently, he breathed out again, then in. With each breath, the initial pain dulled, though it didn't fade completely.
The sounds around him grew more distinct, separating into mechanical and human noises, as well as pokemon. The dull murmur of voices blended with faint beeping. With great care, he forced his eyes open. Dull, soft yellow light filled his vision, along with a mess of blurred shapes. He blinked a few times until his vision cleared somewhat and he was able to distinguish his surroundings. Plain white ceiling and walls, spotless pale blue floors, and an odd machine with a display screen by his bedside. Crisp, stiff white sheets were draped over his body. His mind fumbled for the word. A few seconds later, it came to him. Hospital. He was at a hospital.
And here I thought she was just a trans ally"I'll answer your question, but first I have to ask you a few questions. Are you a boy or a girl?"
"What?" he exploded. "What kinda question is that?"
She laughed, almost doubling over. "Just kidding," she said, smiling brightly.
Still loving these injuries."My Tyrunt!" he cried, sitting bolt upright, ignoring the dull wave of pain that accompanied the movement. A brief wave of dizziness swept over him.
Huh, is that why it exploded? I had been wondering that."Of course, you wouldn't remember. The museum was robbed. Several fossils were stolen, among other items. The police and Roark have been speaking to witnesses."
This is random enough I'm now convinced it's going to be relevant.There was a special on the christening of a new cruise ship, the S.S. Blackbird.
You could probably trim some of the blow-by-blow of Koa at the hospital waiting to be discharged, if you wanted - a lot of it doesn't really sound like it's going to be relevant.
Ouch. The awkwardness is palpable.Koa opened his eyes and glanced toward the door. Blake stood there, staring at him. For a moment, his cousin didn't say anything. He stood, staring, his posture stiff. Then he clenched his fists, striding towards the bed. "What were you thinking? No, forget that, clearly you weren't thinking! How many times do I have to tell you? Stop rushing into things. Be smart, watch what you're doing! This isn't a game, Koa. You could have been killed."
Anger bubbled up inside Koa, and he glared at his cousin. "What did you expect me to do, let my pokemon get hurt? I had to do something, or my Tyrunt could have been killed! Besides, I'm not dead. Who cares what could have happened? Whatever happened, happened. Stop making chasms out of Drilbur holes!"
"How can you be so..." he shook his hand in the air in frustration. "-stupid! Next time you might not be so lucky."
Koa's scowl deepened. "Geez, if you just came here to complain and shout at me, why even come? Just go back to your research." He clenched his jaw and turned away from Blake, at least as much as he could without causing himself too much pain. Tears began to form in his eyes, and he forced himself not to blink or let Blake see how upset he was.
Can't help but wish we'd had Koa react to initially seeing Blake a little here - like, was he really happy to see him at first only for Blake's lecture to feel like a slap in the face? Or, alternatively, was Koa kind of guarded and expecting this the moment he saw Blake? Or was he just grumpy and irritated about the hospital stay and not really in the mood for a visitor, and then Blake came in with this? Right now it just says Koa glanced toward the door, and nothing about how he felt about it - feels like a missed opportunity to give a little more insight into their relationship and Koa's emotional state.
Nothing he does is right, eh? Almost like he can never be... perfect?Blake gave a long sigh, then walked out of the room. Wiping his eyes with his arm, Koa blinked several times. Why did his cousin have to get like that? It felt like nothing he did was right. He hadn't even asked how the accident happened! Hot tears gathered in his eyes. He swallowed and brushed them away. Pull yourself together. He pushed aside his bitterness and focused on thinking about his pokemon, and where he would go next.
Aww.A loud screech echoed through the enclosure and something crashed into Koa. He staggered back and grunted. Opening his eyes, he saw it was Echo, who had wrapped his small talons tightly on Koa's shoulder, clinging on. He rubbed his head and chuckled. "I missed you too Echo."
A moment later, Hazard leaped from a tree and scurried over to him, nuzzling his foot. Grinning, he knelt down and ruffled Hazard's fur. One of the attendants, a middle-aged woman, quirked her eyebrow at him. "You must be his trainer. That Joltik hasn't let anyone touch him in the past two days."
Huh, did she just kind of... stick around standing there for a couple hours? Seems a little odd if she had no intention of staying with him. Or, at least, it might have been less jarring with some form of brief explanation of what she's been doing for all this time - plomping down to sleep and roaring at him if he gets close, busying herself examining something, etc. Also, what have Echo and Hazard been doing while all this was going on?The next couple hours dragged by. Koa tried everything he could think of. He tried to talk calmly and approach slowly, but he couldn't even take more than a couple steps. He tried food, but Tyrunt never ate any. Finally, he settled for scanning her with his Pokedex. At least he could find out her moveset.
Hmmm, feel weird about him returning her here when she seems to have made pretty clear she doesn't want anything to do with him? He never even beat her in a fight, which'd be the usual case (depending on the trainerverse worldbuilding) where a Pokémon might feel the trainer is rightfully their trainer and they may experience some sense of obligation to stick around and give them a chance even if they're not super enthused. Here I'm not really getting the sense she actually thinks of him as her trainer at all?Eventually, he gave up. He returned Tyrunt to her pokeball. Returning the rest of his pokemon, he trudged back into Oreburgh, puzzling over what to do next. He needed to befriend Tyrunt. Prove to her he could be trusted. But how?
Hmm, I would have liked to see more emotion here out of Roark, if he's going to start spilling his personal issues about his feelings of failure to someone he doesn't even know very well - right now he just sort of says it, with nothing but a mention that he hung his head, and then moves off the topic as suddenly as he brought it up, so it's hard to properly sympathize or believe in how he's feeling."Of course." Roark hung his head. "Forgive me, Koa, I shouldn't have been so blunt. It's just, this is my first major incident as gym leader, and I don't think I'm doing a good job. I'm supposed to be the leader of this town too, but I feel like I'm failing everyone. Perhaps my father made a mistake leaving the gym to me."
Wasn't Koa literally just being mad that Roark wouldn't let him help find the criminals, though...? I don't think I'm getting my head around why he isn't jumping at the opportunity she's giving him to do so on a silver platter.Koa sighed and shook his head. "No." He stepped around her and walked faster. He wasn't really interested in a conversation right now. He had more important things, like Tyrunt, on his mind.
She jogged beside him then cut in front of him and walked backwards, facing him. "Are you sure? Perhaps-"
"I was busy with other things than trying to find criminals. And I didn't even know that the museum had been robbed. Is that good enough for you?" He brushed by her, but he could still hear her following him.
Koa, Koa, wasn't this all supposed to be confidential (is she responsible for the robbery)"And he said that security footage was damaged, but they were working on restoring it. He just left to go review it with Chief Lunesse."
That sure matches that one guy on a Zebstrika from chapter one, right...?She shook her head. "Recently, over the past few months, there've been several small break-ins at local shops around the mainland. There's also been muggings during the night, on several routes. Witnesses all give the same description. Men in all black clothing, wearing black masks and capes. They move quietly and strike hard and fast. Many use electric pokemon as well, and the pokemon are often painted dark colors to blend in. Usually, they knock out the power right before they strike. They steal anything valuable-money, art, jewels and such. A few different police offices have recently begun speculating that it's not copycats, but a single organization. Jubilife Police dubbed them Team Blackout."
Boy, that's got to hit a bit harder given they're his dad's former underlings"Do you think they are connected to Team Galactic?"
"Well, sort of. I think they might be just leftovers from them. The Grunts, probably looking to make money. Although recently, I think they've added poaching to their list of crimes. Which is why they hit Rowan's lab."
At the mention of the lab robbery, Koa tensed. "You mean they were the ones who stole from Rowan?"
Avis nodded. "Most likely."
Rage boiled inside Koa. If he ever got his hands on those good for nothing-
Enjoying Koa's general mounting frustration and bad mood in this chapter.
Enjoy these details. What cute Pokémon, I love them.Well, he wouldn't give up on her, not yet. Making sure she was settled, he turned his attention to his other pokemon. Hazard clung to one of the lightbulbs in the bathroom, his fur spiking from the electricity. Koa watched him curiously for a few moments. He seemed to be concentrating, and every few seconds his fur would fluff out before relaxing slightly. It took him a moment, but Koa remembered reading about the technique somewhere. It was called overcharging, and served as another way to help increase their electric storage capacity.
Echo, meanwhile, seemed to be searching for a suitable perch. He hopped from spot to spot, seemingly testing each place. Once, he landed on the back of the chair Tyrunt rested on. She gave him a dirty look but made no move towards him. Echo continued his little exercise, hopping from one surface to the next. Finally, he settled on a perch. Upside down, hanging from the ceiling fan. A moment later, he directed a burst of focused sound at a switch on the wall. The fan turned on, it's blades beginning to spin. Echo gave a happy shree of delight as he whirled around the room. Koa couldn't help but laugh out loud at the sight.
Pfft, is this a jab at the games.For the next few hours, he wandered the cave. He didn't see any Gible, though he did encounter several large gray boulders blocking his path. Fortunately, he didn't need anything special to push them out of the way. He simply climbed over them and continued on.
Koa, c'mon, at this point shouldn't you be offering to release her. (Or is she like, basically a newborn child that he's officially responsible for in a parental sort of way because he revived her...? If that's it it might be good to make it clearer.)Once it had gone, Koa sighed and pulled out a potion, and set to healing Tyrunt. In a couple of minutes, she woke up. Upon seeing him so close, she growled and stalked several feet away. Koa pulled out her pokeball and returned her. She'd be more comfortable there anyway.
I found the repetition of "glowing" a little clunky.The two dinosaurs charged across the field towards each other, Cranidos' head glowing and Tyrunt's jaws glowing.
Aw, that's legitimately very cute. Had forgotten about the chapter title."Cranidos greatest strength is his impenetrable skull. A Tyrunt's greatest strength is its powerful jaws." He chuckled again, wiping a tear from his eye. "Unstoppable force-"
"Meet immovable object," Koa finished, breaking into laughter. On the field, the two dinosaur Pokemon were still locked in the same position. Tyrunt tried to back off, then gave a low whine as she dragged Cranidos with her. Cranidos yanked backwards, merely succeeding in pulling Tyrunt back with him.
Enjoyed this chapter! Some good Koa whump aftermath, lots of frustration, some plot intrigue, cute Pokémon, and his troubles with Tyrunt are entertaining. Looking forward to how they bond.
Maybe your word processor auto-corrected "cross stitched" into "cross-stitched" because cross-stitching is a thing? But either way this should presumably just be a red cross which is stitched onto the chest, so the hyphen doesn't belong.A pair of sport sunglasses were perched on her head, and she wore a traditional white doctor's coat with a red cross-stitched on the chest.
Think I may have made this comment on an earlier chapter, but you want "Okay, sure" (or "OK, sure")."Ok sure. Where's my Tyrunt?"
Since the dialogue tag has a "said", you want a comma and lowercase the."Right. Follow me." The attendant said.
Officially the plural of Tyrunt is just Tyrunt, but even if you eat that particular canon, it definitely wouldn't have an apostrophe.He remembered reading that Tyrunt's were powerful, independent pokemon, but he'd figured after saving her life they would get along fine.
You want to capitalize "He emphasized the word didn't", since that's a complete sentence on its own. Also, if I were you I'd either italicize or quote the word didn't here, to make its role in the sentence obvious."Okay." He crossed his arms. "Roark wanted to know if I saw anything. Which I didn't." he emphasized the word didn't.
His conversation with her, I assume.His conversation her in Sandgem some days ago came back to him.
I think that should be "run-down".The establishment was a bit rundown
Had picked, presumably?Hazard and picked the bathroom sink as his bed
Pretty sure that needs to be "northmost" or "north-most"?It involved some backtracking since it was located under the north most section of Cycling Road, but hopefully, it would be worth it.
You want Cranidos' or Cranidos's, I believe."Cranidos greatest strength is his impenetrable skull.