Pokémon PMD: Warped Creation

[CuteBunnyGirl]

Author’s note: This is my first PMD fic, please don’t criticize it too harshly and remember to be constructive!

Content warnings: Deception, Betrayal, Major character death, Slight mentions of blood and violence. (Some of these will only apply closer to the end of the story) The story is rated T for Teen. The fic also includes major spoilers for Pokemon Legends: Arceus and possibly the Mystery Dungeon games.

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Chapter 1 - An Unfamiliar World

Akari woke up, however, she felt something was off. As she looked around, she could see an autumnal forest. As she walked around the forest looking for a clue as to where she was, she could notice she appeared to be somewhat shorter than before.

“Is this some kind of dream?” She thought to herself.

She pinched herself to see if she would wake up, yet, she did not. Instead, she realized that her hands had somehow transformed into white paws. As she saw her reflection in a nearby puddle, she could clearly see something she was not expecting. Instead of her normal human body, she saw an Oshawott.

Just what had happened to her? She woke up in the middle of a forest as a pokemon, and the strangest part of all, she didn’t even remember how she got there. In fact, she couldn’t really remember anything besides her name and the fact she used to be a human.

“Wait… What?!” She asked. However, there was no one to answer her questions, at least that was what she thought.

Suddenly she heard something. It was the sounds of footsteps approaching her. She looked behind herself, only to see a menacing Garchomp right behind her, its sharp claws ready to tear her to pieces. Its merciless gaze could intimidate even the toughest of opponents, and Akari seemed to have no choice but to accept her fate.

“Help!!!” She screamed in fear, as she knew running would be of no use.

Suddenly, the Garchomp seemed to fade away, only leaving behind a white fox-like pokemon with wispy tufts of fur. Still speechless, she could only stare at this new pokemon. It resembled a Zorua, which could have meant the Garchomp was an illusion.

“Did I scare you?” The strange Zorua asked with a mischievous smirk.

“What is even happening? First I become a pokemon and then a weird talking Zorua tries to attack me disguised as a Garchomp.”

“Oh, I was just trying to prank you… Wait, what did you say about becoming a pokemon?”

Akari was unsure if it was a good idea to tell the Zorua that she used to be a human. However, maybe it could actually prove useful to her in case the Zorua knew of a way to help her. Eventually, she decided to say:

“Well, I was a human until I randomly woke up as an Oshawott.”

“Are you really saying you were a human?! I’ve heard stories of them coming from other worlds. They come here usually to save this world.”

“Well… do you know of a way I can return to my world?”

“I’m not sure… maybe the Steelhammer Guild could know of a way to help you. By the way, may I ask what your name is?”

“I’m Akari, what about you?”

The Zorua seemed surprised by her name at first, before finally replying:

“You may call me Shade.”

“And what is this Steelhammer Guild?”

“It’s a guild led by Tinkaton, do you want me to lead you there? This forest has some dangerous pokemon, you could get hurt if you go alone.”

Something about Shade seemed suspicious, yet there was also another feeling she felt when looking at him. A feeling of familiarity and vague recollection. It felt almost as if they had somehow met before, but how was that possible? She had never met a talking Zorua before, right? Eventually, she ignored the feeling of suspicion and replied:

“Sure, I’ll follow you.”

 

[Tango]

Review:
Chapter 1 - An Unfamiliar World

A new fic? Ooo and its a super short chapter I see!

Lets jump in for a surprise review!

Spoiler: Line by Line Reaction

Author’s note: This is my first PMD fic, please don’t criticize it too harshly and remember to be constructive!

I'll do my usual here. I don't think there should be any issues?

Content warnings: Deception, Betrayal, Major character death, Slight mentions of blood and violence. The story is rated T for Teen.

Wow sounds like this starts off with an act of betrayal that ends in death of the one betrayed?!

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Chapter 1 - An Unfamiliar World

Solid opening chapter title.

Akari woke up, however, she felt something was off.

Akari. Nice name. And yes, something is most certainly off. You are in mystery land now!

As she looked around, she could see an autumnal forest.

Autumnal is an actual word?! You learn something new every day!

That said, what a nifty word to describe it. My mind is flooded with trees and vibrant leaves. What a cool way to use minimal words to pull out such vividness!

It might be nice if there was some kind of nod to Akari finding the place beautiful though. Also, what time of day is it? I'm imagining it being in the afternoon with golden rays of light breaking through the thin barrier of leaves after some had fallen. The floor littered with vibrant leaves in combination with the ones on the trees.

As she walked around the forest looking for a clue as to where she was, she could notice she appeared to be somewhat shorter than before.

Hate to break it to you but...

“Is this some kind of dream?” She thought to herself.

Waking up in a strange vibrantly beautiful AUTUMNAL forest doesn't sound like such a bad dream to me!

She pinched herself to see if she would wake up, yet, she did not. Instead, she realized that her hands had somehow transformed into white paws.

Yep, definitely a wizard.

From here I feel like there are a few possible reactions from her:
1. white paws? OH how cute!
2. White... paws? What the...
3. I'm not dreaming and I have white paws. Well, sanity was good while it lasted at least.

As she saw her reflection in a nearby puddle, she could clearly see something she was not expecting. Instead of her normal human body, she saw an Oshawott.

Not a bad choice as far as these things go!

Just what had happened to her? She woke up in the middle of a forest as a pokemon, and the strangest part of all, she didn’t even remember how she got there. In fact, she couldn’t really remember anything besides her name and the fact she used to be a human.

What an experience that would be. At least she is somewhere beautiful.

“Wait… What?!” She asked. However, there was no one to answer her questions, at least that was what she thought.

Someone is there it seems!

Suddenly she heard something. It was the sounds of footsteps approaching her. She looked behind herself, only to see a menacing Garchomp right behind her, its sharp claws ready to tear her to pieces.

THAT would be a BIT scary!

Its merciless gaze could intimidate even the toughest of opponents, and Akari seemed to have no choice but to accept her fate.

I'm surprised she doesn't just full-on faint here. Being SURPRISED by a Garchomp right behind her would be beyond terrifying!

“Help!!!” She screamed in fear, as she knew running would be of no use.

Yeah, she can't outrun it on those comparatively short stubby legs...

She most certainly can't fight it either and probably doesn't even really know how in her body yet!

Yelling help though? I guess that's probably the best she could do. Either that or beg the Garchomp not to devour her whole.

Suddenly, the Garchomp seemed to fade away, only leaving behind a white fox-like pokemon with wispy tufts of fur.

I'm already feeling happier for her.

Sounds like an illusion!

Still speechless, she could only stare at this new pokemon. It resembled a Zorua, which could have meant the Garchomp was an illusion.

Nice that she can figure these kinds of things out!

“Did I scare you?” The strange Zorua asked with a mischievous smirk.

Is it bad that I want to full-on punch that Zorua in the face?

“What is even happening? First I become a pokemon and then a weird talking Zorua tries to attack me disguised as a Garchomp.”

Tries to attack? I'm not sure I would go that far, but she was scared so badly that its easy to assume she is not thinking very clearly right now.

“Oh, I was just trying to prank you… Wait, what did you say about becoming a pokemon?”

Just trying to prank? Scaring someone half to death is NOT funny!

Akari was unsure if it was a good idea to tell the Zorua that she used to be a human. However, maybe it could actually prove useful to her in case the Zorua knew of a way to help her. Eventually, she decided to say:

“Well, I was a human until I randomly woke up as an Oshawott.”

She is just going to jump right into looking for a way out? It's impressive how fast she can shift gears here!

“Are you really saying you were a human?! I’ve heard stories of them coming from other worlds. They come here usually to save this world.”

Usually? Now I'm wondering about the times that ISN'T the case...

Foreshadowing a later villain perhaps?

“Well… do you know of a way I can return to my world?”

“I’m not sure… maybe the Steelhammer Guild could know of a way to help you. By the way, may I ask what your name is?”

Well that was some easy info to get! Maybe it makes up for the very poor taste prank!

“I’m Akari, what about you?”

The Zorua seemed surprised by her name at first, before finally replying:

“You may call me Shade.”

Shade is a cool name.

“And what is this Steelhammer Guild?”

“It’s a guild led by Tinkaton, do you want me to lead you there? This forest has some dangerous pokemon, you could get hurt if you go alone.”

So Shade is offering to help. Good! Time to pay off that tab for scaring Akari half to death!

Something about Shade seemed suspicious, yet there was also another feeling she felt when looking at him. A feeling of familiarity and vague recollection. It felt almost as if they had somehow met before, but how was that possible? She had never met a talking Zorua before, right? Eventually, she ignored the feeling of suspicion and replied:

“Sure, I’ll follow you.”

That's nifty! Did Shade used to be a human too then?

Summary
So we get introduced to our main character and presumed party member, Shade. They are in an autumnal forest and they have a destination in mind for where to seek help for Akari to return to the human world. A fine start to a journey hopefully with more to soon be revealed! This seems to be flowing reasonably well so far. I'd be curious to see where this autumnal path leads.

 

[CuteBunnyGirl]

Review:
Chapter 1 - An Unfamiliar World

A new fic? Ooo and its a super short chapter I see!

Lets jump in for a surprise review!

Spoiler: Line by Line Reaction

I'll do my usual here. I don't think there should be any issues?


Wow sounds like this starts off with an act of betrayal that ends in death of the one betrayed?!


Solid opening chapter title.


Akari. Nice name. And yes, something is most certainly off. You are in mystery land now!


Autumnal is an actual word?! You learn something new every day!

That said, what a nifty word to describe it. My mind is flooded with trees and vibrant leaves. What a cool way to use minimal words to pull out such vividness!

It might be nice if there was some kind of nod to Akari finding the place beautiful though. Also, what time of day is it? I'm imagining it being in the afternoon with golden rays of light breaking through the thin barrier of leaves after some had fallen. The floor littered with vibrant leaves in combination with the ones on the trees.

Hate to break it to you but...
View attachment 19352


Waking up in a strange vibrantly beautiful AUTUMNAL forest doesn't sound like such a bad dream to me!


Yep, definitely a wizard.

From here I feel like there are a few possible reactions from her:
1. white paws? OH how cute!
2. White... paws? What the...
3. I'm not dreaming and I have white paws. Well, sanity was good while it lasted at least.


Not a bad choice as far as these things go!


What an experience that would be. At least she is somewhere beautiful.


Someone is there it seems!


THAT would be a BIT scary!


I'm surprised she doesn't just full-on faint here. Being SURPRISED by a Garchomp right behind her would be beyond terrifying!


Yeah, she can't outrun it on those comparatively short stubby legs...

She most certainly can't fight it either and probably doesn't even really know how in her body yet!

Yelling help though? I guess that's probably the best she could do. Either that or beg the Garchomp not to devour her whole.


I'm already feeling happier for her.

Sounds like an illusion!


Nice that she can figure these kinds of things out!


Is it bad that I want to full-on punch that Zorua in the face?


Tries to attack? I'm not sure I would go that far, but she was scared so badly that its easy to assume she is not thinking very clearly right now.


Just trying to prank? Scaring someone half to death is NOT funny!


She is just going to jump right into looking for a way out? It's impressive how fast she can shift gears here!


Usually? Now I'm wondering about the times that ISN'T the case...

Foreshadowing a later villain perhaps?


Well that was some easy info to get! Maybe it makes up for the very poor taste prank!


Shade is a cool name.


So Shade is offering to help. Good! Time to pay off that tab for scaring Akari half to death!


That's nifty! Did Shade used to be a human too then?

Summary
So we get introduced to our main character and presumed party member, Shade. They are in an autumnal forest and they have a destination in mind for where to seek help for Akari to return to the human world. A fine start to a journey hopefully with more to soon be revealed! This seems to be flowing reasonably well so far. I'd be curious to see where this autumnal path leads.

Thanks for the review, I'm glad to see you like my content! While I don't want to spoil too much, it's still nice to see your speculation towards what will happen! Also, since I didn't remember to say this before, most of the content warnings will apply closer to the ending of the story rather than at the start. And indeed, to keep it mostly spoiler-free, I'll just say Shade will be a major character in the story. Also it's pretty cool you learned a new word through my writing!

 

[CuteBunnyGirl]

Chapter 2 - Journey Through A Dungeon​

Traversing through the dungeon, Akari’s mind was filled with many questions. How was she here in this strange new world? Why was she even here? And perhaps the most important one of them all, why did she feel like this had happened to her before?

Everything felt so new, yet so familiar, almost as if this wasn’t her first time going through these kinds of experiences.

She silently followed Shade, lost in her own thoughts. Something about Shade also felt suspiciously familiar, almost as if the two had somehow met before. But that couldn’t be true, right? After all, she was a complete stranger to this world and its inhabitants.

“Are you thinking about something?” Shade asked, noticing Akari’s silence.

“I was simply thinking of why I was here.” Akari replied.

“When a human is sent to this world, they are usually destined to save it.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Ancient tales speak of various human-turned pokemon becoming heroes and saving the world, such as Lucario, the hero of the Grass Continent or Haxorus, the hero of the Mist Continent.”

“What would I need to save the world from?”

“I don’t really know. Maybe you were simply sent here by accident. The best plan as of now would be to simply get you somewhere where you can learn about this world.”

“By the way, where exactly are you leading me?”

“I’m leading you to Arcane City, the largest city in the Flame Continent. That’s where Tinkaton’s Steelhammer Guild is located, you might find some help there.”

Suddenly, Akari noticed something hiding in a nearby bush. It swiftly leaped out of the bush, attacking her with a Fury Swipes attack. The attack managed to hit her in the left arm, a few drops of blood coming from the cuts.

“Do not harm our home!” The pokemon shouted, preparing to attack once more.

She could now get a better look at the attacking pokemon, seeing it was a green monkey-like pokemon with large ears and leaves on their tail and head. Despite the pain on her arm, she had to do something.

She could feel a sudden surge of energy flowing through her, almost like an instinct she now had due to being a pokemon. She unleashed a Water Gun attack, squirting a blast of water at the Pansage. The attack was quick and precise, knocking back the grass type with the force of the water blast.

Before either of them could use another attack, Shade jumped between the two in order to stop the conflict. He calmly stated:

“We are not trying to harm this dungeon, we’re only passing through it.”

The Pansage stopped attacking the duo, letting them continue on their journey.

“The pokemon commonly found in dungeons are quite territorial and somewhat aggressive, it’s best not to stay in these places for too long.” Shade advised.

“Yeah, I found that out the hard way…” Akari noted, her cuts from the attack slightly hurting.

“Here, take this Oran berry. It has healing properties.” He gave her a small blue-colored berry. She ate the berry, noticing her cuts healing at a decent speed.

Not long after, the two finally arrived at the end of the forest, seeing a large city with futuristic technology and large white buildings. Akari was almost overwhelmed by the large size of the city. Shade said to her:

“This is Arcane City, the location of the Guild and the largest city around these parts.”

 

[CuteBunnyGirl]

Spoiler: Author's note

This fic has a new beta reader, Shanna! You can read her works on pmdfanfiction.com

Chapter 3 - Joining the Guild​

As Akari walked along the streets of Arcane City, she noticed the peaceful and happy life of the citizens. Various pokemon were just doing their normal things such as having friendly conversations together or buying items at the local shops. Despite how normal it was to the citizens, it didn’t feel normal to Akari since she used to be a human.

Following Shade, she soon saw a large staircase leading up to a building that seemed even grander than the rest of the city’s buildings. She walked up the stairs, wondering what would await her at the top.

At the top of the staircase, she saw a futuristic white building with a symbol resembling some kind of hammer at the front. Shade pressed a button next to the door, making a sound that resembled the ringing of a bell.

An orange pokemon with large paws, circular yellow cheek patterns, and wild, hair-like fur on his head soon opened the door. “Greetings. I am Pawmot, the second in command to the Guildmaster around here.”

Shade briefly glanced at the metallic-colored gray bracelet on Pawmot’s left paw. “Greetings, Pawmot. There is something I would like to speak to the Guildmaster about.”

Pawmot stared at the two visitors, seemingly making some kind of mental note about Akari. “What business do you have with the Guildmaster?”

Shade looked at Akari, who had simply been standing there and watching the conversation between Shade and Pawmot. “I have a friend who would like to join the Steelhammer Guild.”

Akari was slightly hesitant. She had not actually said anything about wanting to join the guild, she had only wanted them to help her with regaining her memories and becoming a human again. However, if she did have to save the world like the heroes before her, she could as well join them. She did not know what she was up against, and she wasn’t looking to fight alone.

Finally, she made her decision. “Yes, that’s me. I would like to join this Guild.”

After they had conversed some more, Akari followed Pawmot to the Guildmaster’s room. Inside the room, there stood a small pink pokemon wearing a metallic-colored gray bracelet on her left hand. Her other hand was holding a large hammer made of steel. At least that explained why the guild was named like that.

The pink pokemon noticed the visitors, excitedly greeting: “Hi there! I’m Tinkaton, the Guildmaster of the Steelhammer Guild! What brings you here?”

Shade noticed the metallic-colored gray bracelet on Tinkaton’s hand, noting that it looked similar to the one Pawmot had. “Greetings, Tinkaton. My friend, Akari the Oshawott, is here to join your guild.”

Pawmot looked somewhat annoyed at the casual and non-formal tone of Shade’s voice. “Call her Guildmaster Tinkaton!”

Tinkaton didn’t seem to be bothered by Shade’s casual way of speaking. “Chill, Pawmot. It’s not that big of a deal.” Then, she looked at Akari. “So, you’re looking to join the Steelhammer Guild, right? If you wish to join, you should first answer a few questions.”

Akari was starting to get slightly nervous. She did not know what questions would await her, and she did not know how difficult the questions would be to answer. “Understood. What are you going to ask me?”

Tinkaton seemed to quickly check some papers off her desk before asking: “What is your name? Where are you from? Why do you wish to join our guild?”

Akari was relieved she was able to answer all of the questions. “My name is Akari. I am from the world of humans, and I came to this world for an unknown purpose. I wish to join your guild to discover the truth about my lost memories and what I am here for.”

Tinkaton was silent for a while before finally saying: “Those are some interesting answers. While we cannot be sure if you’re telling the truth, we will not abandon a pokemon in these times of danger. Now, who do you wish to have as your teammate for the entrance exam, and if you pass it, your teammate for all kinds of guildwork?”

Akari was not sure how to answer. She did not know of any other pokemon that could help her and be her teammate. However, she realized there was one option. “I would like my teammate to be Shade the Zorua.”

 

[CuteBunnyGirl]

Chapter 4 - Into The Mossy Grotto

Shade seemed to be shocked by Akari’s statement. “You want me to be your teammate?”

“Why not?” Akari replied, continuing with: “You helped me travel through the Autumnal Woods, assisted me in getting here, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I believe you could be a great friend and teammate.”

Shade pondered for a moment before replying: “I understand. I can be your teammate.”

Shifting her gaze from Shade to Sunny, Akari decided to ask: “What is the mission for the entrance exam?”

Spark looked at a piece of paper from the desk, answering on Sunny’s behalf. “Your mission is to go through the Mossy Grotto, and bring me some herbal tea from the local Lilligant who resides there.”

“Exactly! Now let’s see if this is gonna be the start of an awesome adventure!” Sunny confirmed.

Then, Sunny handed a map and a bag with some items to Akari. Akari enthusiastically took the map and the bag, excited to go on an adventure alongside Shade.

Soon after, the pair left the city, heading towards the Mossy Grotto. The road towards the dungeon seemed relatively peaceful before they reached a large cave entrance, entering the dungeon.

Inside the dungeon, flowers and green moss decorated the floor, walls, and ceiling of the cave.

“This place looks beautiful.” Akari stated.

“I agree.” Shade said.

“So, do we have a plan?” She asked.

“We don’t need much of a plan. This dungeon doesn’t have many threatening pokemon in it, that’s why it’s often chosen for beginners.” He responded.

Suddenly, the two noticed a large flowery pokemon. Its floral arms had a feminine beauty, yet they also had thorns similarly to those of a rose. However, it didn’t look like just a normal Roserade. It was much larger in size, its flower arms looked dark and withered, and most strangely of all, its lower body seemed to be missing, instead replaced by dark shadows.

The mysterious Roserade hadn’t spotted the duo, instead focusing its attention on a small Skiddo. The small goat pokemon attempted to run away in terror, but was grabbed by the Roserade’s vines. The Roserade viciously attacked the Skiddo, its blade-like thorns brutally digging into the helpless Skiddo’s flesh.

“Well, whatever that thing is, I think we should stay far away from it.” Akari whispered to Shade.

They stealthily delved deeper into the dungeon, eventually coming across what seemed to be a small home. A sign on the door read: “Lilligant’s herbal tea, 25 pokecoins.”

Entering the home, the two saw a gentle-looking floral pokemon in what seemed to be a dress made of petals.

“Greetings, I am Blossom the Lilligant. Would you like to buy some herbal tea?”

Akari looked into the bag, noticing exactly 25 pokecoins that the guild had given to her.

“Yes, please. Oh yeah, and by the way, we saw a strange-looking pokemon nearby in the dungeon. We’ll inform the Steelhammer Guild as soon as possible.” Akari informed.

“Thank you for telling me.” Blossom stated.

Akari exchanged her pokecoins with a bag of herbal tea, before exiting the home alongside Shade.

“So, how are we going to get out of here? I don’t think we should exit the same way we entered, especially if that Roserade is still there.”

“We received an Escape Orb from the guild, we can just use that.”

Akari and Shade exited the dungeon using the orb, arriving right outside the cave entrance.

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, I was a bit under the weather tonight, so was looking for something a bit breezier while getting me a little closer to getting through my hitlist of authors and that brought me here to -checks notes- a PMD story premised on the PLA protag getting a second go-around at isekai antics. Not the first time I’ve run across that idea, but it’s uncommon enough that it made me sit up and take notice, so let’s see where this goes:

Chapter 1

Spoiler: Line-by-Line

Akari woke up, however, she felt something was off. As she looked around, she could see an autumnal forest. As she walked around the forest looking for a clue as to where she was, she could notice she appeared to be somewhat shorter than before.

“Is this some kind of dream?” She thought to herself.

Oh, so that’s why there’s warnings that thar be PLA spoilers in this story. Though I wonder if this is happening after the events of PLA or instead of it.

She pinched herself to see if she would wake up, yet, she did not. Instead, she realized that her hands had somehow transformed into white paws. As she saw her reflection in a nearby puddle, she could clearly see something she was not expecting. Instead of her normal human body, she saw an Oshawott.

Whelp, that settles the question of who the PLA protag would be as a Pokémon. Even if I kinda wonder if this is a bit too “summarized” at the moment and that it’d have been a bit more impactful getting to see things play out through Akari’s eyes.

Just what had happened to her? She woke up in the middle of a forest as a pokemon, and the strangest part of all, she didn’t even remember how she got there. In fact, she couldn’t really remember anything besides her name and the fact she used to be a human.

“Wait… What?!” She asked. However, there was no one to answer her questions, at least that was what she thought.

Ditto here, since this is all information that’s very “told” to us at the moment, and it’d probably have been more interesting to see things playing out from Akari’s perspective.

Suddenly she heard something. It was the sounds of footsteps approaching her. She looked behind herself, only to see a menacing Garchomp right behind her, its sharp claws ready to tear her to pieces. Its merciless gaze could intimidate even the toughest of opponents, and Akari seemed to have no choice but to accept her fate.

“Help!!!” She screamed in fear, as she knew running would be of no use.

Wait, is that Volo’s Garchomp, or…? Though I’ll probably take a break eventually from explicitly pointing it out since I get the feeling that it’s going to be a bit of a common thing in this story, but I feel that this portion here would’ve benefitted from seeing things play out more actively from Akari’s perspective and thought process given that you’re already writing things from her perspective.

Suddenly, the Garchomp seemed to fade away, only leaving behind a white fox-like pokemon with wispy tufts of fur. Still speechless, she could only stare at this new pokemon. It resembled a Zorua, which could have meant the Garchomp was an illusion.

“Did I scare you?” The strange Zorua asked with a mischievous smirk.

Akari: “Dude, not funny!”

[ ]

“What is even happening? First I become a pokemon and then a weird talking Zorua tries to attack me disguised as a Garchomp.”

[ ]

“Oh, I was just trying to prank you… Wait, what did you say about becoming a pokemon?”

A couple spots where I think that it’d have been worth showing off more of how the characters are reacting to things, since it’s potentially a strong opportunity of showing off what their personalities are like from the ways that they respond.

Akari was unsure if it was a good idea to tell the Zorua that she used to be a human. However, maybe it could actually prove useful to her in case the Zorua knew of a way to help her. Eventually, she decided to say:

“Well, I was a human until I randomly woke up as an Oshawott.”

Is there any reason in particular why Akari would’ve briefly thought that it might be a bad idea to tell the Zorua “oh yeah, I’m supposed to be human”? Since it’s not really articulated at the moment.

[ ]

“Are you really saying you were a human?! I’ve heard stories of them coming from other worlds. They come here usually to save this world.”

[ ]

“Well… do you know of a way I can return to my world?”

Okay, I’m definitely surprised that Akari is having less of a reaction to this. Like I get that she has amnesia at the moment, but it feels like a bit of a missed opportunity to get in some meta lampshading about how this is likely the second time that Akari has been though this song-and-dance, just not as an Oshawott last time.

“I’m not sure… maybe the Steelhammer Guild could know of a way to help you. By the way, may I ask what your name is?”

[ ]

“I’m Akari, what about you?”

The Zorua seemed surprised by her name at first, before finally replying:

“You may call me Shade.”

[ ]

“And what is this Steelhammer Guild?”

I feel as if this story were animated or rendered in a visual medium that there’d be more of a pause between the different lines here to do some combination of showing off reactions and character introspection.

“It’s a guild led by Tinkaton, do you want me to lead you there? This forest has some dangerous pokemon, you could get hurt if you go alone.”

Oh, well that would explain the Guild name there.

Something about Shade seemed suspicious, yet there was also another feeling she felt when looking at him. A feeling of familiarity and vague recollection. It felt almost as if they had somehow met before, but how was that possible? She had never met a talking Zorua before, right? Eventually, she ignored the feeling of suspicion and replied:

“Sure, I’ll follow you.”

… Shade is going to turn out to be Volo, isn’t he? Since boy am I getting those vibes right now.

I do feel that “something about Shade seemed suspicious” is something that should be hammered home through Shade’s behavior earlier on, since this feels a bit “informed attribute” at the moment.

Chapter 2

Spoiler: Line-by-Line

Traversing through the dungeon, Akari’s mind was filled with many questions. How was she here in this strange new world? Why was she even here? And perhaps the most important one of them all, why did she feel like this had happened to her before?

Everything felt so new, yet so familiar, almost as if this wasn’t her first time going through these kinds of experiences.

And this dungeon looks like…?

Since you don’t really describe what Akari’s surroundings look like at the moment or really acknowledge what happened in the timeskip between the end of Chapter 1 and the start of this one.

She silently followed Shade, lost in her own thoughts. Something about Shade also felt suspiciously familiar, almost as if the two had somehow met before. But that couldn’t be true, right? After all, she was a complete stranger to this world and its inhabitants.

Yeah, he’s totally Volo, isn’t he?

“Are you thinking about something?” Shade asked, noticing Akari’s silence.

“I was simply thinking of why I was here.” Akari replied.

[ ]

“When a human is sent to this world, they are usually destined to save it.”

I think that it would’ve been worth showing off a bit of Shade’s reaction here.

“And how do you know that?”

“Ancient tales speak of various human-turned pokemon becoming heroes and saving the world, such as Lucario, the hero of the Grass Continent or Haxorus, the hero of the Mist Continent.”

Oh, so we’re in the official PMD setting right now. Duly noted. Though I wonder what Continent we’re on right now.

[ ]
“What would I need to save the world from?”

No reaction at all from Akari from the big loredump that just happened five seconds ago and what it could mean for her?

[ ]

“I don’t really know. Maybe you were simply sent here by accident. The best plan as of now would be to simply get you somewhere where you can learn about this world.”

[ ]
“By the way, where exactly are you leading me?”

“I’m leading you to Arcane City, the largest city in the Flame Continent. That’s where Tinkaton’s Steelhammer Guild is located, you might find some help there.”

Aha, so we’re on a fresh continent outside the map that PSMD provided. Duly noted.

Suddenly, Akari noticed something hiding in a nearby bush. It swiftly leaped out of the bush, attacking her with a Fury Swipes attack. The attack managed to hit her in the left arm, a few drops of blood coming from the cuts.

“Do not harm our home!” The pokemon shouted, preparing to attack once more.

She could now get a better look at the attacking pokemon, seeing it was a green monkey-like pokemon with large ears and leaves on their tail and head. Despite the pain on her arm, she had to do something.

She could feel a sudden surge of energy flowing through her, almost like an instinct she now had due to being a pokemon. She unleashed a Water Gun attack, squirting a blast of water at the Pansage. The attack was quick and precise, knocking back the grass type with the force of the water blast.

I… was not really feeling the way this skirmish was written here. For action-y moments in general, it generally makes more sense to describe things playing out moment by moment, and show more of the flow of events playing out.

Before either of them could use another attack, Shade jumped between the two in order to stop the conflict. He calmly stated:

“We are not trying to harm this dungeon, we’re only passing through it.”

The Pansage stopped attacking the duo, letting them continue on their journey.

I feel that this also feels a bit too accelerated. I’m not sure if it’d benefit more from showing off more of Pansage backing off or else of Akari’s “what on earth just happened?” going on in her head, but as is it feels too short and like it’s missing something.

[ ]

“The pokemon commonly found in dungeons are quite territorial and somewhat aggressive, it’s best not to stay in these places for too long.” Shade advised.

Okay, yeah, I feel that you’re missing a transition here, since the Pansage leaves and then Shade just abruptly speaks up here.

“Yeah, I found that out the hard way…” Akari noted, her cuts from the attack slightly hurting.

I’m surprised that the cuts that Akari picked up weren’t a bit more played up earlier, since you’d think that either she’d have noticed the pain earlier, or else as the adrenaline wore off, the pain would more perceptibly kick in.

[ ]

“Here, take this Oran berry. It has healing properties.” He gave her a small blue-colored berry. She ate the berry, noticing her cuts healing at a decent speed.

You probably want to at least explicitly mention that Shade is giving Akari this Oran Berry before she speaks up

Not long after, the two finally arrived at the end of the forest, seeing a large city with futuristic technology and large white buildings. Akari was almost overwhelmed by the large size of the city. Shade said to her:

“This is Arcane City, the location of the Guild and the largest city around these parts.”

Yeeeeeeah. I feel this is very accelerated here. Like things are enough of a jump ahead in time and place that this honestly should be its own scene, and expanded out a bit such that we actually get to see Akari and Shade leave the guild and get a bit more description of what this “futuristic city” looks like.

Chapter 3

Spoiler: Line-by-Line

As Akari walked along the streets of Arcane City, she noticed the peaceful and happy life of the citizens. Various pokemon were just doing their normal things such as having friendly conversations together or buying items at the local shops. Despite how normal it was to the citizens, it didn’t feel normal to Akari since she used to be a human.

Also feel that this opening is kinda abrupt for similar reasons why Chapter 2’s opening feels a bit abrupt. I also feel like we kinda passed up on a chance to get to know what Arcane City is like more since it’s not a canonical location and as such there’s no “oh yeah, it’s that place” that you can fall on for your readers to visualize it.

Following Shade, she soon saw a large staircase leading up to a building that seemed even grander than the rest of the city’s buildings. She walked up the stairs, wondering what would await her at the top.

And this building looks like / is grander than the others, how…?

At the top of the staircase, she saw a futuristic white building with a symbol resembling some kind of hammer at the front. Shade pressed a button next to the door, making a sound that resembled the ringing of a bell.

Once again, I feel like you need a bit more description than this to work with to set the stage here. Like I get that I’m an author that sometimes cops criticism for spending too much time sniffing the proverbial roses, but this definitely feels like it’s not clear enough to paint a distinct picture at the moment.

An orange pokemon with large paws, circular yellow cheek patterns, and wild, hair-like fur on his head soon opened the door. [ ]

“Greetings. I am Pawmot, the second in command to the Guildmaster around here.”

Shade briefly glanced at the metallic-colored gray bracelet on Pawmot’s left paw. “Greetings, Pawmot. There is something I would like to speak to the Guildmaster about.”

I feel like the character details about Pawmot such as them wearing a bracelet should be introduced along with Pawmot since in general when introducing a character, you want to point out all the important parts of them for readers to visualize them.

Pawmot stared at the two visitors, seemingly making some kind of mental note about Akari. [ ]

“What business do you have with the Guildmaster?”

Shade looked at Akari, who had simply been standing there and watching the conversation between Shade and Pawmot. “I have a friend who would like to join the Steelhammer Guild.”

I kinda wonder if that was a missed opportunity for getting into Akari’s head and showing how she was reacting to all of this. Since the entire time, we haven’t really seen how Akari is parsing this big, futuristic city of Pokémon that she likely has zero frame of reference for how it could even exist.

Akari was slightly hesitant. She had not actually said anything about wanting to join the guild, she had only wanted them to help her with regaining her memories and becoming a human again. However, if she did have to save the world like the heroes before her, she could as well join them. She did not know what she was up against, and she wasn’t looking to fight alone.

Finally, she made her decision. “Yes, that’s me. I would like to join this Guild.”

The underlined IMO works better being shown off through Akari’s thought process, and yeah. That was part of the reason why I was saying that it would’ve made sense to show her thoughts off more earlier on as she’s soaking in her surroundings.

After they had conversed some more, Akari followed Pawmot to the Guildmaster’s room. Inside the room, there stood a small pink pokemon wearing a metallic-colored gray bracelet on her left hand. Her other hand was holding a large hammer made of steel. At least that explained why the guild was named like that.

The pink pokemon noticed the visitors, excitedly greeting: “Hi there! I’m Tinkaton, the Guildmaster of the Steelhammer Guild! What brings you here?”

Akari:

Shade noticed the metallic-colored gray bracelet on Tinkaton’s hand, noting that it looked similar to the one Pawmot had. “Greetings, Tinkaton. My friend, Akari the Oshawott, is here to join your guild.”

Something to keep in mind for your story is how you want to handle perspective. If you want to explicitly tie scenes to a character’s perspective, you will likely find it pertinent to either write the entire scene from said character’s perspective, or else add more of a transition in or out of their perspective to avoid head-hopping.

Pawmot looked somewhat annoyed at the casual and non-formal tone of Shade’s voice. “Call her Guildmaster Tinkaton!”

And that looks like…?

Tinkaton didn’t seem to be bothered by Shade’s casual way of speaking. “Chill, Pawmot. It’s not that big of a deal.” Then, she looked at Akari. “So, you’re looking to join the Steelhammer Guild, right? If you wish to join, you should first answer a few questions.”

Akari was starting to get slightly nervous. She did not know what questions would await her, and she did not know how difficult the questions would be to answer. “Understood. What are you going to ask me?”

Underlined IMO feels a bit too “told” at the moment and like it should play out through seeing the wheels in Akari’s head turn more.

Tinkaton seemed to quickly check some papers off her desk before asking: “What is your name? Where are you from? Why do you wish to join our guild?”

… Tinkaton had papers? Or a desk for that matter? Since this is the first that it’s mentioned in the chapter so far.

Akari was relieved she was able to answer all of the questions. “My name is Akari. I am from the world of humans, and I came to this world for an unknown purpose. I wish to join your guild to discover the truth about my lost memories and what I am here for.”

Wait, but didn’t Akari have a whole thing where she was uneasy about being open about being human? What exactly changed here?

Tinkaton was silent for a while before finally saying: “Those are some interesting answers. While we cannot be sure if you’re telling the truth, we will not abandon a pokemon in these times of danger. Now, who do you wish to have as your teammate for the entrance exam, and if you pass it, your teammate for all kinds of guildwork?”

Akari was not sure how to answer. She did not know of any other pokemon that could help her and be her teammate. However, she realized there was one option. “I would like my teammate to be Shade the Zorua.”

[ ]

I’m not really feeling this ending note at the moment since it feels very abrupt and Shade has basically been sidelined for much of the past page or so. I kinda wonder if it’d have made sense to get him involved as part of the outro.

Alright, I made it to the end and… uh… well, that was definitely on the ‘critical’ side of things. But for the good news, but I think that your fundamental concept behind this story is actually pretty interesting with the idea of taking someone who’s already been an isekai protagonist once and throwing them into the deep end all over again. I also thought that the ideas that you had for the cast such as Shade, and for the setting such as the futuristic city and the Tinkaton-run guild were neat ideas that had a lot of potential.

The primary problem that I saw while reading through these chapters was that I feel that you kinda stumbled at exploring them. Like I get that short and punchy chapters have been the “in thing” in this fandom for a few years now, but I do feel that your length is cut a bit too far too the bone since there were a number of spots where I found myself wishing that you slowed down and described what things looked like or what was happening a bit more. Like you had the vague outlines of a really interesting world, but we just didn’t get to see it in much detail or at length, so it undercut the ability to immerse in it a bit. I also felt that you had a recurring issue with “telling” and not “showing”, especially with regards to characters’ moods and reactions. Like it’s one thing to tell the readers that a character feels one way, like here for example:

Akari was unsure if it was a good idea to tell the Zorua that she used to be a human. However, maybe it could actually prove useful to her in case the Zorua knew of a way to help her. Eventually, she decided to say:

“Well, I was a human until I randomly woke up as an Oshawott.”

Whereas I can make things more interesting if I tell the readers that through the things that the characters think or do, which at the risk of going a bit off on a limb, here’s an example of what that could look like:

Akari wavered and averted her gaze. Was it really a good idea to tell this Zorua that she used to be human? She had no idea what Pokémon around here even thought about humans, and with the way he’d tricked her from the beginning, he didn’t exactly come off as trustworthy.

… At the same time, who else was she going to turn to right now? She had no idea where she was right now, and no idea when the next talking Pokémon she ran across would turn up or if they’d be any better than Shade.

Maybe it made sense to just stop questioning things and just speak up:

“Well, I was a human until I randomly woke up as an Oshawott.”

It’s a bit more verbose, but the benefit of doing things like that is that it both communicates the same important details as the “told” version, while also showing what Akari is like in terms of a personality and her thought process, which I struggled a bit to pick up at different points in these first three chapters.

That’s all for now, @CuteBunnyGirl . Hopefully that still met your definition of a constructive review that you were looking for. I admittedly felt that your story didn’t quite stick the landing at the time that I reviewed it, but at the same time, I feel that the fact that things are so compact right now means that you have a fairly open road to tightening things up and improving things if you’re so inclined.

 

[CuteBunnyGirl]

Thank you for the review @Spiteful Murkrow! I personally did think it lacked a bit of the positive feedback, especially the whole "show don't tell" suggestion. It doesn't really fit my personal writing style, as I prefer to write in a way where I can clearly understand the characters' emotions. (I struggle to understand scenes that are described or "shown" too much) While I most likely won't use your suggestion, it was still nice receiving some feedback even if the story wasn't for you!