Pokémon One Hundred Tiny Plays About Hoenn

[Fennel]

Play #21: Sootopolis City

(Two women sit in a bar with glasses of wine)

Marina: It’s his job. Bloody long hours.
Eve: My Bernard’s the same. Always squirreling away in his shed with his god-knows what.
Marina: And holidays? Forget it. Last time we went abroad, I could still fit into that violet dress from Sylvia’s anniversary party.
Eve: I’d love an ‘oliday. Maybe that cruise that goes around Sinnoh to see the icebergs… it sounds dead romantic.
Marina: I keep on banging on at him to take me abroad, you know. Like we used to when we got married.
Eve: It’s important to keep the romance going, isn’t it?
Marina: These days it’s all ‘Pokemon’ this and ‘Pokemon’ that. I mean, put a sock in it, Keith. God forbid some of us have other interests too.
Eve: I never liked them. Horrid little toerags.
Marina: He can do what he wants with ‘em. I’m not getting involved, thank you very much.
Eve: How’s the online business going?
Marina: Oh, now I’m glad you asked me that, Eve. It’s all been taking off, you see. See, that’s what he doesn’t realise. I’m making something good of myself, I am. I sold my entire stock of organic seaweed soap to Anne down the road yesterday. You know her husband runs that shelter for down and outs?
Eve: Oh, that place.
Marina: My Keith could quit his job if things carry on for me like this. But does he listen? Does he ‘eck.
Eve: They never listen.
Marina: I’m the real breadwinner of the household, I am. I don’t care. He can do whatever he likes.

 

[Fennel]

Play #22: Mauville City Pokemart

(Two teenage employees stack shelves on the shop floor)

Carmel: How about him? Guy in the grey suit.
Jed: A bit old.
Carmel: Or the guy standing next to him, then. D’you reckon they’re together?
Jed: I dunno.
Carmel: He totally looks like your type. He’s all boyish and twinky. Is that the right word? Twink?
Jed: He’s not my type.
Carmel: Imagine if you and him went out on a date together. Sharing a milkshake together but like, using two straws. That would be soooo cute.
Jed: Could you pass me those Pokeball boxes?
Carmel: And you’d move in together and have a little Poochyena together instead of a kid. Pooch Dads! Oh my god. I think I’d literally die from cuteness overload.
Jed: I’m really more of a Skitty person.
Carmel: This is so amazing. I love this. I’ve never had a gay best friend before.
Jed: I’m not even sure if that’s what I am yet.
Carmel: [sigh] I’m so jealous. I want your life. I wish I was gay and cute like you. Can you imagine? I literally can’t even.

 

[Fennel]

Play #23: Ever Grande City

(An older tourist couple stand outside the Pokemon League building)

Carol: Could there be some sort of mistake?
Shaun: Can’t be. The bloke that sold me this guide told me it was the best that money can buy.
Carol: But there’s nothing here, Shaun.
Shaun: Maybe we’re in the wrong place?
Carol: That’s the Pokemon League, isn’t it?
Shaun: I think so. It does seem to bear some resemblance to the picture in the guide.
Carol: Then this must be it. Ever Grande City. [pause] It’s not much of a city, is it?
Shaun: I suppose not.
Carol: What did the guide say again?
Shaun: Let me have a look. Ahmm… [pause] “A bustling, glittering metropolis, the City is known for its classical architecture; myriad shops, cafes and boutiques; and most impressively of all, the imposing Prism Tower, serving as an iconic beacon for the City and all of the surrounding region.”
Carol: [pause] Well I don’t see any sort of tower here, do you?
Shaun: Maybe the guide is mistaken after all.
Carol: I daresay, Shaun. Because it also says here that Snowpoint City is a fifteen minute’s walk away from where we are now.
Shaun: So?
Carol: That’s in Sinnoh, Shaun.
Shaun: Who would want to go there anyway, my dear? I rather think it would be a fruitless venture. In fact…
Carol: Shaun.
Shaun: I’d say there’s really “snow point” in going. [pause] Geddit, darling? There’s “snow point”!
Carol: Oh dear.
Shaun: Ohohohaha! Haha! Oh, dearie me.
Carol: [pause] I think I’m rather done with travelling for today, Shaun.
Shaun: Right-o, my dear. [pause] Fancy a sit-down and a cup of tea?
Carol: Yes please. Shall we have a look inside?
Shaun: I think we should. They’re bound to have a tearoom in there, aren’t they?
Carol: I should certainly hope so. What sort of Pokemon League would they be if they don’t even offer tea? [pause] Maybe that’s what your guide should be focusing on instead, Shaun. Where to find a good cup of tea on holiday.

 

[Fennel]

Play #24: S.S. Tidal

(A customer peruses the ship’s gift shop)

Tucker: Excuse me.
Shop Assistant: Yeah?
Tucker: Do you think this would be suitable for a five year-old girl?
Shop Assistant: [pause] Why?
Tucker: Oh. Sorry. No, it’s for my daughter. She’s turning five.
Shop Assistant: Oh. I dunno. Does she like Wailmer?
Tucker: I’m not really sure. Children do, don’t they?
Shop Assistant: Some of them, yeah.
Tucker: They seem very popular these days.
Shop Assistant: Why don’t you ask your daughter?
Tucker: I can’t at the moment. She’s staying with her mother. [pause] What about this one?
Shop Assistant: That’s a board game. It says for children eleven and up.
Tucker: Oh. Maybe when she’s a bit older, then. [pause] Maybe a pencil? Children like drawing, right?
Shop Assistant: Just one pencil?
Tucker: Oh. I see. [pause] A pencil set, maybe. [pause] Do you sell pencil sets?
Shop Assistant: No.
Tucker: Ah. [pause] That’s a problem, then. [pause] Maybe this? What is it? ‘Glow-in-the-dark Castform doll’. That sounds entertaining.
Shop Assistant: Yeah, kids like that one.
Tucker: Do they? Good. I’ll take that then. [pause] Actually. [pause] Throw in that board game too. And the Wailmer, too. Why not.
Shop Assistant: Alright. [pause] D’you want the pencil too?
Tucker: Umm. [pause] No, better not. Just these, please. [pause] Don’t want to go overboard with it.

 

[Fennel]

Play #25: Mossdeep Space Centre

(Two scientists sit in an office beneath a large telescope after dark)

Nigel: Celestial object B8044-C. 9.8 degrees south, south-western sky.
Hans: Confirmed.
Nigel: Celestial object B8053-E. 10.3 degrees south, south-western sky.
Hans: Confirmed.
Nigel: Celestial object B8056-E. No sighting in south-western sky.
Hans: Confirmed. [pause] Hey, Nigel. [pause] Nige.
Nigel: What now, Hans?
Hans: I’m sorry again about earlier.
Nigel: You don’t have to keep bringing it up, Hans.
Hans: I’m sorry, though. I’m kicking myself for being so stupid.
Nigel: I already said it’s fine.
Hans: I shouldn’t have said anything.
Nigel: Hans, please. You can stop.
Hans: I really hope this won’t affect our friendship. Because you know I like you a lot. As a friend.
Nigel: I know.
Hans: You’re not uncomfortable, are you? You can tell me if you are. That’s fine. [pause] I’d be uncomfortable too. If someone sprang that on me, I mean. But you feel like you want to say something at the end of the day. Because it hurts to hold it inside you. [pause] And tonight’s just one of those things. I mean, it’s just the two of us here, it’s a nice night. I thought to myself, why not risk it for a biscuit, right? Maybe I shouldn’t have said it at the start of such a long shift though. God. Typical Hans, right?
Nigel: Unconfirmed sighting, 10.6 degrees south, south-western sky. Hans, write this down.
Hans: What? [pause] Say that again.
Nigel: Unconfirmed sighting, 10.6 degrees south, south-western sky.
Hans: I’ve written it down.
Nigel: That shouldn’t be there.
Hans: [pause] Anyway, I thought you might want someone who can understand and listen. Given that you and Susie have been going through a rough patch and all. I mean, I get it. It’s tough. [pause] Not that I’d ever take advantage, obviously.
Nigel: Oh my god. It looks like it’s heading right for us. That can’t be right.
Hans: What? Let me see. [pause] What? Oh… [pause] Bugger. Bugger.
Nigel: Call Miranda. Now.
Hans: Okay.
Nigel: I’m getting life signs. [pause] A pulse, too. and psychic energy.
Hans: Same here. Sensors are flaring up.
Nigel: [pause] Could it be some kind of Pokemon?
Hans: In that environment? Impossible.
Nigel: My readings suggest otherwise.
Hans: Yeah… same here.
Nigel: My god. This might be serious.
Hans: I know. My heart’s pounding.
Nigel: [pause] Mine too.
[pause]
Hans: Hey, Nige?
Nigel: Yes, Hans?
Hans: [pause] I’m really glad I’m here with you tonight.
[pause]
Nigel: Just call Miranda, Hans. Now, please.