Pokémon One Hundred Tiny Plays About Hoenn

[Fennel]

Play #21: Sootopolis City

(Two women sit in a bar with glasses of wine)

Marina: It’s his job. Bloody long hours.
Eve: My Bernard’s the same. Always squirreling away in his shed with his god-knows what.
Marina: And holidays? Forget it. Last time we went abroad, I could still fit into that violet dress from Sylvia’s anniversary party.
Eve: I’d love an ‘oliday. Maybe that cruise that goes around Sinnoh to see the icebergs… it sounds dead romantic.
Marina: I keep on banging on at him to take me abroad, you know. Like we used to when we got married.
Eve: It’s important to keep the romance going, isn’t it?
Marina: These days it’s all ‘Pokemon’ this and ‘Pokemon’ that. I mean, put a sock in it, Keith. God forbid some of us have other interests too.
Eve: I never liked them. Horrid little toerags.
Marina: He can do what he wants with ‘em. I’m not getting involved, thank you very much.
Eve: How’s the online business going?
Marina: Oh, now I’m glad you asked me that, Eve. It’s all been taking off, you see. See, that’s what he doesn’t realise. I’m making something good of myself, I am. I sold my entire stock of organic seaweed soap to Anne down the road yesterday. You know her husband runs that shelter for down and outs?
Eve: Oh, that place.
Marina: My Keith could quit his job if things carry on for me like this. But does he listen? Does he ‘eck.
Eve: They never listen.
Marina: I’m the real breadwinner of the household, I am. I don’t care. He can do whatever he likes.

 

[Fennel]

Play #22: Mauville City Pokemart

(Two teenage employees stack shelves on the shop floor)

Carmel: How about him? Guy in the grey suit.
Jed: A bit old.
Carmel: Or the guy standing next to him, then. D’you reckon they’re together?
Jed: I dunno.
Carmel: He totally looks like your type. He’s all boyish and twinky. Is that the right word? Twink?
Jed: He’s not my type.
Carmel: Imagine if you and him went out on a date together. Sharing a milkshake together but like, using two straws. That would be soooo cute.
Jed: Could you pass me those Pokeball boxes?
Carmel: And you’d move in together and have a little Poochyena together instead of a kid. Pooch Dads! Oh my god. I think I’d literally die from cuteness overload.
Jed: I’m really more of a Skitty person.
Carmel: This is so amazing. I love this. I’ve never had a gay best friend before.
Jed: I’m not even sure if that’s what I am yet.
Carmel: [sigh] I’m so jealous. I want your life. I wish I was gay and cute like you. Can you imagine? I literally can’t even.

 

[Fennel]

Play #23: Ever Grande City

(An older tourist couple stand outside the Pokemon League building)

Carol: Could there be some sort of mistake?
Shaun: Can’t be. The bloke that sold me this guide told me it was the best that money can buy.
Carol: But there’s nothing here, Shaun.
Shaun: Maybe we’re in the wrong place?
Carol: That’s the Pokemon League, isn’t it?
Shaun: I think so. It does seem to bear some resemblance to the picture in the guide.
Carol: Then this must be it. Ever Grande City. [pause] It’s not much of a city, is it?
Shaun: I suppose not.
Carol: What did the guide say again?
Shaun: Let me have a look. Ahmm… [pause] “A bustling, glittering metropolis, the City is known for its classical architecture; myriad shops, cafes and boutiques; and most impressively of all, the imposing Prism Tower, serving as an iconic beacon for the City and all of the surrounding region.”
Carol: [pause] Well I don’t see any sort of tower here, do you?
Shaun: Maybe the guide is mistaken after all.
Carol: I daresay, Shaun. Because it also says here that Snowpoint City is a fifteen minute’s walk away from where we are now.
Shaun: So?
Carol: That’s in Sinnoh, Shaun.
Shaun: Who would want to go there anyway, my dear? I rather think it would be a fruitless venture. In fact…
Carol: Shaun.
Shaun: I’d say there’s really “snow point” in going. [pause] Geddit, darling? There’s “snow point”!
Carol: Oh dear.
Shaun: Ohohohaha! Haha! Oh, dearie me.
Carol: [pause] I think I’m rather done with travelling for today, Shaun.
Shaun: Right-o, my dear. [pause] Fancy a sit-down and a cup of tea?
Carol: Yes please. Shall we have a look inside?
Shaun: I think we should. They’re bound to have a tearoom in there, aren’t they?
Carol: I should certainly hope so. What sort of Pokemon League would they be if they don’t even offer tea? [pause] Maybe that’s what your guide should be focusing on instead, Shaun. Where to find a good cup of tea on holiday.

 

[Fennel]

Play #24: S.S. Tidal

(A customer peruses the ship’s gift shop)

Tucker: Excuse me.
Shop Assistant: Yeah?
Tucker: Do you think this would be suitable for a five year-old girl?
Shop Assistant: [pause] Why?
Tucker: Oh. Sorry. No, it’s for my daughter. She’s turning five.
Shop Assistant: Oh. I dunno. Does she like Wailmer?
Tucker: I’m not really sure. Children do, don’t they?
Shop Assistant: Some of them, yeah.
Tucker: They seem very popular these days.
Shop Assistant: Why don’t you ask your daughter?
Tucker: I can’t at the moment. She’s staying with her mother. [pause] What about this one?
Shop Assistant: That’s a board game. It says for children eleven and up.
Tucker: Oh. Maybe when she’s a bit older, then. [pause] Maybe a pencil? Children like drawing, right?
Shop Assistant: Just one pencil?
Tucker: Oh. I see. [pause] A pencil set, maybe. [pause] Do you sell pencil sets?
Shop Assistant: No.
Tucker: Ah. [pause] That’s a problem, then. [pause] Maybe this? What is it? ‘Glow-in-the-dark Castform doll’. That sounds entertaining.
Shop Assistant: Yeah, kids like that one.
Tucker: Do they? Good. I’ll take that then. [pause] Actually. [pause] Throw in that board game too. And the Wailmer, too. Why not.
Shop Assistant: Alright. [pause] D’you want the pencil too?
Tucker: Umm. [pause] No, better not. Just these, please. [pause] Don’t want to go overboard with it.

 

[Fennel]

Play #25: Mossdeep Space Centre

(Two scientists sit in an office beneath a large telescope after dark)

Nigel: Celestial object B8044-C. 9.8 degrees south, south-western sky.
Hans: Confirmed.
Nigel: Celestial object B8053-E. 10.3 degrees south, south-western sky.
Hans: Confirmed.
Nigel: Celestial object B8056-E. No sighting in south-western sky.
Hans: Confirmed. [pause] Hey, Nigel. [pause] Nige.
Nigel: What now, Hans?
Hans: I’m sorry again about earlier.
Nigel: You don’t have to keep bringing it up, Hans.
Hans: I’m sorry, though. I’m kicking myself for being so stupid.
Nigel: I already said it’s fine.
Hans: I shouldn’t have said anything.
Nigel: Hans, please. You can stop.
Hans: I really hope this won’t affect our friendship. Because you know I like you a lot. As a friend.
Nigel: I know.
Hans: You’re not uncomfortable, are you? You can tell me if you are. That’s fine. [pause] I’d be uncomfortable too. If someone sprang that on me, I mean. But you feel like you want to say something at the end of the day. Because it hurts to hold it inside you. [pause] And tonight’s just one of those things. I mean, it’s just the two of us here, it’s a nice night. I thought to myself, why not risk it for a biscuit, right? Maybe I shouldn’t have said it at the start of such a long shift though. God. Typical Hans, right?
Nigel: Unconfirmed sighting, 10.6 degrees south, south-western sky. Hans, write this down.
Hans: What? [pause] Say that again.
Nigel: Unconfirmed sighting, 10.6 degrees south, south-western sky.
Hans: I’ve written it down.
Nigel: That shouldn’t be there.
Hans: [pause] Anyway, I thought you might want someone who can understand and listen. Given that you and Susie have been going through a rough patch and all. I mean, I get it. It’s tough. [pause] Not that I’d ever take advantage, obviously.
Nigel: Oh my god. It looks like it’s heading right for us. That can’t be right.
Hans: What? Let me see. [pause] What? Oh… [pause] Bugger. Bugger.
Nigel: Call Miranda. Now.
Hans: Okay.
Nigel: I’m getting life signs. [pause] A pulse, too. and psychic energy.
Hans: Same here. Sensors are flaring up.
Nigel: [pause] Could it be some kind of Pokemon?
Hans: In that environment? Impossible.
Nigel: My readings suggest otherwise.
Hans: Yeah… same here.
Nigel: My god. This might be serious.
Hans: I know. My heart’s pounding.
Nigel: [pause] Mine too.
[pause]
Hans: Hey, Nige?
Nigel: Yes, Hans?
Hans: [pause] I’m really glad I’m here with you tonight.
[pause]
Nigel: Just call Miranda, Hans. Now, please.

 

[Fennel]

Play #26: Oldale Town

(Two children sit outside a house. One of them clutches a Pokeball)

Oliver: Please. I’ll give you some of my chocolate.
Ryan: I can’t.
Oliver: I’ll let you come round my house and play Feebas Fluoroscopy Frenzy.
Ryan: Sorry.
Oliver: But why not?
Ryan: He doesn’t want to come out.
Oliver: But I want to see. I’ve never seen a Metagross before.
Ryan: He doesn’t like being outside.
Oliver: Then can I come round yours later and see? Will he be out then?
Ryan: Sorry. [pause] My mum won’t let us.
Oliver: But I came round to play last weekend.
Ryan: That was different.
Oliver: Why?
Ryan: [pause] Just because. Sorry.
Oliver: Oh. Okay.
Ryan: You can say hello to him, though.
Oliver: Metagross? In the Pokeball?
Ryan: Yeah.
Oliver: Okay. Hi, Metagross.
[pause]
Ryan: He says hello back.

 

[Fennel]

Play #27: Secret Base

(A man and a woman stand in the middle of a secret base surrounded by an assortment of items)

Marlene: Torchic doll…
Richie: That’s mine.
Marlene: Fine. Brick desk?
Richie: That belongs to you.
Marlene: Okay. Thunder mat? How do you want to tackle that?
Richie: I seem to recall I bought that one.
Marlene: We bought it together, actually.
Richie: Did we pay 50/50?
Marlene: It was $4,000. I think I put $3,000 towards it because you were a bit skint at the time. So most of it’s mine.
Richie: Okay. But I still own a quarter of it.
Marlene: Well, technically, yes. [pause] But are we really dividing things up in terms of fractions now?
Richie: I don’t see why not. As you so recall, I contributed towards some of the cost of the mat. Therefore, that corresponding portion of it is mine.
Marlene: So… you want me to cut a quarter off this thing and give it to you?
Richie: Supposing you did, that quarter would theoretically belong to me. So…
Marlene: You’re insane. Just take the mat. I don’t want it.
Richie: No, no, no. Fair’s fair. Most of the mat is yours. I’ll simply take the portion that belongs to me, thank you very much.
Marlene: It’s not a pizza.
Richie: It’s broadly the same shape.
Marlene: Do you ever get tired of being so infernally pedantic all the time?
Richie: Even in times of duress, we must adhere to the rule of law and fair play. Or what will become of society then? We’re not savages, Marlene. Now, stay here. I’ll go fetch the pinking shears.

 

[Fennel]

Play #28: Mauville Game Corner

(Two women stand by a roulette table)

Clara: So if I do $20,000 on green and it’s a one-in-three chance…
Nat: No, it’s one-in-four.
Clara: Are you sure?
Nat: Positive.
Clara: I’ve been counting wrong this whole time.
Nat: It’s just a guessing game.
Clara: There’s skill to it too. And luck.
Nat: Same thing, isn’t it? Guessing and luck.
Clara: You might say that. If you’re not the lucky type.
Nat: I’m not, and neither are you. [pause] Oh, goodness.
Clara: Wow.
Nat: How much has he just won there?
Clara: I don’t know. Look at all those chips.
Nat: What a bet. That really paid off for him. Lucky sod.
Clara: Alright, well I can’t go now.
Nat: Why?
Clara: It never pays out twice in a row. I’ll have to wait a bit.
Nat: That’s nonsense.
Clara: It’s true.
Nat: Come off it.
Clara: Don’t you know what they say? ‘Jackpot twice, don’t roll the dice. Wait a bit… something something money pit.’
Nat: A money pit is something that doesn’t make you money. And this isn’t a dice game.
Clara: I know how these things go, alright?
[pause]
Nat: He’s just won again.
Clara: Oh, fudge.
Nat: He must be up hundreds of thousands now. D'you reckon he knows something we don't?
Clara: I don't care to know. I’m sticking to my way.
Nat: You’re not going to win by being stubborn.
Clara: Then I won’t share my winnings with you. If you can think of a better way of playing, I’d like to hear it. I’m heading straight for a big old money pit with my way, just you wait and see, love.

 

[Fennel]

Play #29: Team Magma Hideout

(Two grunts sit working in a dimly-lit office)

Zav: What does this one mean?
Ellie: Which one?
Zav: HPL 904: Bad Carbon Index Insert.
Ellie: Ah, the old HPL 904. That’s one of my favourites.
Zav: But what does it mean?
Ellie: I don’t know.
Zav: I can’t find it in the handbook…
Ellie: Just put it in the pile with all the rest. Tabitha will never notice.
Zav: I don’t want to get on his bad side.
Ellie: I think ol' Tabby's got slightly more important things to be doing than looking over HPL codes.
Zav: I can’t afford another disciplinary.
Ellie: I’ve got three already.
Zav: Not something to be proud of, is it?
Ellie: You’re missing the point. We can do whatever we like down here and they’ll never notice.
Zav: I still want to do a good job.
Ellie: Why? Why bother? We’re the lowest of the low down here. Nothing we do matters.
Zav: Says you.
Ellie: Says everyone. You’re sweating over nothing.
Zav: We’re not all like you, Ellie.
Ellie: Thank god for that.
[pause]
Zav: Found it. HPL 904 means… [pause] Oh no.
Ellie: What?
Zav: I have to start all over again.
Ellie: Hahaha!
Zav: I’m going to miss the deadline. I’m getting a disciplinary for sure.
Ellie: Sucks to be you. But also, welcome to the club.
Zav: Thanks.
Ellie: Well, if the deadline's gone, it's gone. It's Tabby's problem now. Come on, let's go grab a coffee.

 

[Fennel]

Play #30: Slateport City

(A charity fundraiser approaches a man sitting on a bench overlooking the sea)

Fundraiser: Excuse me. Can you contribute some goodwill towards our cause today?
Simon: [pause] I’m sorry?
Fundraiser: We’re collecting on behalf of a charity that benefits Pokemon. Can we rely on your support today?
Simon: What does the charity do?
Fundraiser: We help Poison-type Pokemon.
Simon: How?
Fundraiser: We’re raising money for Poison-types.
Simon: I know that. How do you help Poison-types?
Fundraiser: [pause] I’ll have to ask my manager.
Simon: [pause] Where’s your manager?
Fundraiser: [pause] Over there.
Simon: Where? [pause] There’s no one there.
Fundraiser: I can see them.
Simon: Where? I can’t.
Fundraiser: [pause] Can you contribute some goodwill towards our cause today?
Simon: What cause? This non-existent charity that you don’t even seem to know what it does. What’s it called?
Fundraiser: [pause] My manager’s over there. By the water.
Simon: I can’t see anyone. What are you on about? There’s no one there.
Fundraiser: I can squint my eyes and see them.
Simon: What’s the charity called? Why are you bothering me for money?
Fundraiser: The charity helps Poison-types. Please. Contribute some goodwill towards our cause today.
Simon: I don’t know what you mean. There’s no one there. No one at all. [pause] Poison-types? I’ve never heard of a charity doing such a thing. [pause] I can’t see anyone there. What are you talking about? [pause] Who are you?

 

[Fennel]

Play #31: Route 102

(A mother, her teenage son and a Kecleon stand beside a path in a grassy field)

Jon: And look, she can do this too.
Emmie: Wow. Yes. That’s great.
Jon: You can barely see her in the grass.
Emmie: That’ll give someone rather a nasty shock.
Jon: She won’t bite them, mum.
Emmie: It’s worth mentioning. Try to be safe and considerate to other people, that’s all.
Jon: We are.
Emmie: It doesn’t even know what we’re talking about right now.
Jon: She. And yes, she does.
Emmie: You are training it properly, aren’t you?
Jon: Yes, mum.
Emmie: I want you to raise it like I raised you.
Jon: I know, mum.
Emmie: We raised you properly.
Jon: Kecleon’s my friend. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her.
Emmie: You need to think of other people too, Jon.
Jon: I do.
Emmie: You’re so young to be out on your own. We worry after you, that’s all.
Jon: We look after each other, mum.
Emmie: You know you can come back home anytime you want, don’t you?
Jon: I know, mum.
Emmie: Anytime you like. With or without it. [pause] Her. [pause] We’ll always be glad to have you back.
Jon: I know, mum. I know.

 

[Fennel]

Play #32: Oceanic Museum

(A couple wander around the museum’s exhibits)

Sean: You can choose next time.
Liv: I’ll pick something better than this, I’ll tell you that for free.
Sean: Don't be like that. Look, look. ‘Shifting sediment in rapidly changing ocean currents’.
Liv: I’m so bored I can feel my own sediment shifting.
Sean: ‘Silt and other debris is carried across large distances, changing the topology of the seabed in fresh and unexpected ways…’ See? It’s cool, this.
Liv: Are you joking?
Sean: Shirley said we need to do more things together as a couple.
Liv: Yeah, I thought she meant like, picnics or eating strawberries off each others’ bodies, though. Not this.
Sean: Do you want to buy some strawberries on the way back?
Liv: Not after this, I won’t.
Sean: You prefer raspberries, don’t you?
Liv: I mean... what? Yeah, I guess.
Sean: You can eat whatever you want off me.
Liv: I only really eat raspberries with breakfast, anyway.
Sean: Maybe if we go look over there? Look - ‘Migrating global water currents…’
Liv: What did Shirley say about us going around museums that make me want to gouge my eyes out?
Sean: Don’t. I don’t want that.
Liv: I’ll get some strawberries if you really want. If it means we can go home.
Sean: I thought you prefer raspberries?
Liv: That wasn’t the point. God.
Sean: It says here that ocean currents can have a significant effect on the distribution of numerous aquatic organisms throughout the oceanic biomes…
Liv: Strawberries. Raspberries. Pineapple. I don’t care. Can we just leave now, please?

 

[Fennel]

Play #33: Mt. Pyre

(A man kneels in front of a modestly marked grave near the peak of the mountain)

Cohen: Hi. [pause] Sorry it’s been a while. You know how things are sometimes. [pause]. I brought these… Thought you’d appreciate something a bit more cheerful than the ones that’ve been here rotting away for months. [pause] No luck with Sarah, in case you were wondering. I don’t blame her, though. [pause] I bet you’d laugh, though. You’d find it funny, the way we’ve been constantly missing each other’s schedules. The joys of being a parent, right? [pause] I heard that song on the radio again. Thought you’d want to know. [pause] You probably know that, anyway. [pause] Probably no point me saying any of this. I feel so self-conscious, coming here still... [pause] Not tried baking the cake again since… you know. [pause] Work’s going fine. Still on a staggered return to normal hours. [pause] These are nice, aren’t they? Goes with the blue here. [pause] Anyway. I’ll let you… well, not get on, I guess. You know what I mean. [pause] We miss you and that. [pause] I’ll try and come round again in a few weeks. [pause] Or months. To replace the flowers. [pause] Hope you’re doing alright… wherever you are. [pause] Okay. See you. Bye. Bye. [pause] Bye.

 

[Fennel]

Play #34: Verdanturf Town Pokemart

(A manager and an employee sit in an office/storeroom at the back of the shop)

Ron: We’re not accusing you of anything-
Wesley: I didn’t do it!
Ron: Let me finish, Wes. We’re not accusing you of anything, but-
Wesley: This is a setup!
Ron: Wes, please. We’re not accusing you of anything. Let me make that very clear. We just want to know how the box of Max Revives that went unaccounted last week ended up in your locker.
Wesley: I don’t know, do I? Ask Lydia - she’s always had it in for me since I started, man.
Ron: This isn’t Lydia’s concern.
Wesley: She was in the stock room when that box went missing!
Ron: That’s an unsubstantiated claim.
Wesley: Check the CCTV! That’s what you should be doing instead of interrogating me like I’m some kind of criminal!
Ron: How did the box come to be in your locker, Wes?
Wesley: I’m telling you, I don’t know! I never seen that box in my entire life! I don’t work in the stockroom, do I?
Ron: It didn’t wind up in there by magic.
Wesley: What’s the point of this? You lot are already convinced I did it even when I didn’t, man.
Ron: I’m not sure how else we’re going to resolve this, unfortunately.
Wesley: Lydia, man. Ask Lydia. I’m telling you-
Ron: We’ve already taken Lydia aside and excluded her from our investigations.
Wesley: She’s lying, man! I’m telling you. Go check her bag if you don’t believe me.
Ron: [pause] Her bag?
Wesley: Check her bag. I ain't a grass, yeah, but go look in her bag now. I ain’t saying anything else.
Ron: [pause] One second.
[Silence]
Ron: You’re free to go back to work, Wes.
Wesley: Aight. Thanks.
Ron: I’m sorry for the… you know.
Wesley: She’s always had it in for me since I started, man. What did I tell you? See you later.

 

[Fennel]

Play #35: Mossdeep City

(A radio presenter sits in a studio in front of a microphone and computers)

Axel: And on line two… we have Taron. Morning, Taron.
Taron: Morning.
Axel: Now, you have some thoughts about the previous caller’s tirade, is that right?
Taron: Yes. And excuse my language here, Axel - I hope this’ll be okay to say on the radio-
Axel: Let’s keep it family friendly, mate.
Taron: Sure. Sure. But I have to say. I am bloody sick and tired of listening to self-righteous twats like him spouting off about what I can and what I can't eat. I reckon-
Axel: This is about what the previous caller said about Clamperl, is that right?
Taron: That’s right, yes.
Axel: They’re a protected species by law, now.
Taron: The government should not be getting involved in telling us what we can and cannot have on our plates. Have you-
Axel: They have - sorry to interrupt, mate. Some might say they have a duty of care for their citizens and Pokemon.
Taron: We’re not children, Axel. Have you ever tasted Clamperl, roasted-
Axel: I have. Before it became restricted, obviously.
Taron: Roasted with garlic butter and served with a cold glass of vinho verde. It’s fabulous, Axel. They can’t take away my right to enjoy that after a hard week at work.
Axel: You might argue if you continue like this - if we-
Taron: I work hard for my money.
Axel: Sure, yes mate-
Taron: I can spend my money how I like-
Axel: But what I’m saying - what the previous caller said - is that if we continue like this then there won’t be any Clamperl left in the seas at all.
Taron: Well that’s not my problem, is it?
Axel: No?
Taron: They can sort it out.
Axel: Who can sort it out?
Taron: That Team Aqua lot. Isn’t their whole thing being up with the oceans?
Axel: I don’t know what their stance is on eating Clamperl-
Taron: Get them to sort it out. They can’t be worse than the current lot we have in power-
Axel: We can’t endorse vigilante justice on this show, mate.
Taron: You know what I think about people who say that, Axel?
Axel: What do you think, Taron?
Taron: I think, get the everliving fuck out of my-
Axel: Aaaand that’s all we have time for, I’m afraid - thanks very much for calling in, Taron. If you have any more thoughts about eating Clamperl - delicious delicacy or environmental disaster - then give us a ring on 0192 099 0992. And now let’s go to Mad, Mad Mitch for the traffic and weather.