canisaries
you should've known the price of evil
Hey there. I've read chapters 1-5 for the review tag, and here are my thoughts.
My first point actually has to do with the chapters themselves. They're certainly the shortest I've come across, and while I'm open-minded when it comes to challenging convention, I don't think it really works in the story's favor.
You see, a chapter's role is not just to divide the text of a story into smaller pieces - it's a narrative tool that implicitly promises the reader that the story is going to progress to another stage within that piece. This story, however, has quite a slow start, which means that small pieces of it will contain few new events and little new information. Being set up for the story advancing by the change of chapter, we experience the story as being even slower when not much happens in the chapter. I likely wouldn't have minded the pacing as much at all if chapters 1-5 were merged into one. Or 1-3, maybe. To me, at 1k+ words a chapter starts feeling like it has something really happen in it. Others' feelings may vary.
Moving onto the story itself. Beginning at the death of a parent works well to bring in conflict right from the get-go, and introducing imagery of something tangible like the Mew card and the ring helps establish an identity through those motifs. Chapter 4 brings in the imagery of the white wings - something we also know should come back later given the backstory of the character (and the synopsis). In terms of the actual story events, there isn't much at this point, mainly Jiri grieving. A character grieving can be engaging, but it does usually require the reader to feel a connection to the character. As the only time we saw Jiri before he started grieving was a brief scene of him finding a card, I don't really feel like I know him nor do I particularly relate to him, and as a result I'm mainly indifferent to him and his pain. Things might be different if I'd lost a parent at a young age, but chances are most other readers haven't, either.
This isn't helped by the fact that the prose, narration and even storytelling leans towards favoring drama and abstractions over authenticity. Jiri lies in bed so long that he can barely walk right anymore and all I can think is that he definitely pissed himself if he never got up. Maybe adult Jirarudan is exaggerating for emphasis, but it frames him as kind of melodramatic, and his other remarks about his dark future reinforce this. Vague statements about one's coming downfall do create a sense of foreboding mystery at first, but they lose their edge if used too much and start to sound grandiose and self-pitying instead. And hey, maybe Jirarudan actually is like that - I don't remember anything from the movie - but it doesn't make for a protagonist we'd like to stick around with.
A more pinpointed criticism I have is that there were a couple of spots that made me think "I guess I have to take your word for it":
"Every time I think about it, I lose a little bit of my humanity."
"from my earliest memories, the water has been my downfall..."
"My dreams have always been concurrent to my goals."
"I have always valued solitude, even before that."
All of these statements tell us something that would really require some kind of example to be meaningful or even understood. "I lose a little bit of my humanity" can mean a wide array of things - becoming physically less human, losing value for morality, feeling like you're actually present, feeling like you're in control - and as a result, nothing certain is really communicated at all. "From my earliest memories, the water has been my downfall" I don't know how I'm meant to interpret. I don't see how water can stop a kid from doing well at school unless you're a witch that melts at its touch. "My dreams have always been concurrent to my goals" sounds like something that applies to most people - you dream about things that are important to you, both in the sense of slumber and aspiration. "I have always valued solitude" tells us about a trait that could very easily shown, and when little points to it before this statement is given, it feels like... well, it makes me think "I guess I have to take your word for it".
Then some quote comments:
As a paragraph change very often denotes change of speaker if not otherwise specified, I thought "I'll be your angel" was said by Jiri all the way up until Chapter 5 where it comes back.
I was confused by the choreography of this sequence. The white wings are around him, but then they come to him. It could be another pair of white wings, but the way the coming wings are introduced sound like a new separate entity. While dreams can be confusing, people can still distinguish between separate objects within them, and logically the narrator should as well.
That concludes my thoughts. I'm sorry that they turned out rather negative, but they're honest.
My first point actually has to do with the chapters themselves. They're certainly the shortest I've come across, and while I'm open-minded when it comes to challenging convention, I don't think it really works in the story's favor.
You see, a chapter's role is not just to divide the text of a story into smaller pieces - it's a narrative tool that implicitly promises the reader that the story is going to progress to another stage within that piece. This story, however, has quite a slow start, which means that small pieces of it will contain few new events and little new information. Being set up for the story advancing by the change of chapter, we experience the story as being even slower when not much happens in the chapter. I likely wouldn't have minded the pacing as much at all if chapters 1-5 were merged into one. Or 1-3, maybe. To me, at 1k+ words a chapter starts feeling like it has something really happen in it. Others' feelings may vary.
Moving onto the story itself. Beginning at the death of a parent works well to bring in conflict right from the get-go, and introducing imagery of something tangible like the Mew card and the ring helps establish an identity through those motifs. Chapter 4 brings in the imagery of the white wings - something we also know should come back later given the backstory of the character (and the synopsis). In terms of the actual story events, there isn't much at this point, mainly Jiri grieving. A character grieving can be engaging, but it does usually require the reader to feel a connection to the character. As the only time we saw Jiri before he started grieving was a brief scene of him finding a card, I don't really feel like I know him nor do I particularly relate to him, and as a result I'm mainly indifferent to him and his pain. Things might be different if I'd lost a parent at a young age, but chances are most other readers haven't, either.
This isn't helped by the fact that the prose, narration and even storytelling leans towards favoring drama and abstractions over authenticity. Jiri lies in bed so long that he can barely walk right anymore and all I can think is that he definitely pissed himself if he never got up. Maybe adult Jirarudan is exaggerating for emphasis, but it frames him as kind of melodramatic, and his other remarks about his dark future reinforce this. Vague statements about one's coming downfall do create a sense of foreboding mystery at first, but they lose their edge if used too much and start to sound grandiose and self-pitying instead. And hey, maybe Jirarudan actually is like that - I don't remember anything from the movie - but it doesn't make for a protagonist we'd like to stick around with.
A more pinpointed criticism I have is that there were a couple of spots that made me think "I guess I have to take your word for it":
"Every time I think about it, I lose a little bit of my humanity."
"from my earliest memories, the water has been my downfall..."
"My dreams have always been concurrent to my goals."
"I have always valued solitude, even before that."
All of these statements tell us something that would really require some kind of example to be meaningful or even understood. "I lose a little bit of my humanity" can mean a wide array of things - becoming physically less human, losing value for morality, feeling like you're actually present, feeling like you're in control - and as a result, nothing certain is really communicated at all. "From my earliest memories, the water has been my downfall" I don't know how I'm meant to interpret. I don't see how water can stop a kid from doing well at school unless you're a witch that melts at its touch. "My dreams have always been concurrent to my goals" sounds like something that applies to most people - you dream about things that are important to you, both in the sense of slumber and aspiration. "I have always valued solitude" tells us about a trait that could very easily shown, and when little points to it before this statement is given, it feels like... well, it makes me think "I guess I have to take your word for it".
Then some quote comments:
"Jiri, dear," she continued, "I want you to know something, and carry it with you forever." Her voice was getting fainter, and her eyes drooped shut. I lay down next to her and hugged her. "You've always been my shining star," she whispered.
"I'll be your angel."
And with that, she was gone.
As a paragraph change very often denotes change of speaker if not otherwise specified, I thought "I'll be your angel" was said by Jiri all the way up until Chapter 5 where it comes back.
right now i can feel the water around me, pulling me farther and farther away from the world, and I can feel the white wings around me, just like before...
...like before...
mother never really did believe me...she clung to her belief of there being good in us all...in her world, she never believed that someone could do something like that...
...perhaps her world was like this...
...they held me down, beneath the water...i struggled in vain, out of reflex. they were going to kill me, i knew that, and gave in.
and then i saw it. white wings coming to me. i knew not if it was a demon or an angel, but it was coming to take me away from there, far away.
I was confused by the choreography of this sequence. The white wings are around him, but then they come to him. It could be another pair of white wings, but the way the coming wings are introduced sound like a new separate entity. While dreams can be confusing, people can still distinguish between separate objects within them, and logically the narrator should as well.
That concludes my thoughts. I'm sorry that they turned out rather negative, but they're honest.