Heya, saw this story on TR’s Review Tag a while back and wound up letting it slip through my fingers. Figured that Review Blitz would be as good a time as any to try and fix that. Now, I don’t know a whole lot about this story other than that from your introduction and a quick Bulbapedia lookup that it’s apparently about the villain of the Lugia Movie who was called ‘Lawrence’… which I have never seen outside of short snippets.
But hey, part of this event is putting yourself out there and trying something new, and as something you’ve been working on for
20 years... I figured that I could give things a try.
Obsession 1
obsession: a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling...
Oh yeah, totally a good omen for the places this story is going to go given what I know of the mindset of M02’s villain.
Why do I do it? What is it about Collecting that keeps me in its clutches? Is it as simple as greed?
I doubt that. If it was pure greed, I would not feel like this. No, it is an addiction.
Ah yes, a feeling that’s all too familiar with those of us that get a little dumb about hunting down merch or maintaining collecting hobbies. There’s always another “white whale” to lust over out there if you don’t at some point put your foot down and go “nah, this is good enough.
Every time I think about it, I lose a little bit of my humanity. Someday I shall be completely at its mercy, unable to connect with any aspect of the man I once was.
Which ideally is a point
well before this one and doesn’t involve living embodiments of forces of nature, but you do you, Lawrence.
Perhaps you think me harmless, despite my disconnection. I ask you, would a harmless man have done what I did? I do not know which of us is the bigger fool, you, for thinking such things, or me, for allowing myself to become this.
… Wait, so is this being narrated moments before death or something? Since I could’ve sworn that
Lawrence died during the events of M02. But eh, I suppose that’s a sign for me to watch the movie at some point.
Perhaps I should begin from the beginning. My earliest memory is a simple enough one. I was looking through my mother's heirloom chest with her, and came across a small envelope. With her permission, I opened it.
Okay, getting a little nitpick out of the way since I see that this comes up a lot in your story from a casual eyeballing, but you might want to consider some mechanism of indicating scene breaks other than extra newlines, since at first, I thought that this was a typo until I saw that the paragraph jumped time and place dramatically.
The contents of that envelope changed my life forever.
While I get that you’re doing this as a frame narrative where Lawrence is narrating past events, I
kinda wonder if this should’ve come later on in the scene, since something about “The contents of that envelope changed my life forever” feels like it sucks a bit of the tension out of things.
… Or, you could’ve just worked this in with the introduction of the envelope with something like “, one that would change my life forever” in the prior paragraph. Dunno. It’s hard to put my finger on concretely, but something about this paragraph was a little unsatisfying to me.
Inside was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Even in the dim light of the attic, it shone with its full magnificence and splendor.
Entranced, I turned my eyes towards my mother, who smiled. "That's the Ancient Mew card, dear. You can have it if you want. But be careful with it, it's very valuable."
I kinda wonder if you should’ve described what the Ancient Mew Card looked like a bit more, since you
say that it’s something that Lawrence finds really beautiful and that it’s shiny, but I have no clue how to visualize this. Like I don’t even know if it looks silver, gold, or iridescent from the description you provided.
If it was important enough to merit a warning, I knew it had to be very special. From that moment on, it was, and still remains, my most treasured possession.
Bruh, you literally build a flying death machine to capture the Legendary Birds. Excuse me if I don’t fully believe your claim there.
My mother was a wonderful woman. She was tall, with a shock of emerald hair, and eyes that reflected the universe. She was a healer, studying the restorative powers of herbs and plants, and the entire world respected her.
But….?
Except my hometown. We lived far from any respectable place, on a the distant shore, where such mysterious practices were considered to be the domain of lesser people. Her potions and elixirs were effective, to be sure, but the townspeople always regarded us with scorn. During the day, they would turn their backs on us and curse us when we left, but at night, they would sneak out and purchase her wares. Hypocrites. I learned very young to be distrustful.
Some minor typos and extra words. Though that’s a pretty big ‘but’ there. ^^;
So this is one of those “how we got here” stories, huh? Since I kinda gather that that’s how this story is going to wind up shaking out. We’ll see, I suppose.
Mother was the opposite. She told me that everyone had good within them, but I did not believe her. Oh, mother, how you would recant if you saw me now! But I digress…
Somehow, I’m not sure if Lawrence’s mom would be so quick to brush him off. Family can be
really forgiving of sins sometimes.
When I was but eight years of age old, Mother took ill. She sent for my father, who lived apart from us, and warned me that she may leave me soon. One day, she called me to her bedside, and removed the red ring from her finger.
"Jirarudan," she addressed me, "this ring has been in my family for many years, and I want you to have it." She put it gently in my outstretched palm, and smiled weakly. "Jiri, when you feel alone, clutch the ring, and I'll be there."
I’d recommend breaking this paragraph up into two smaller ones, since you functionally have two separate things going on in it.
So wait, what
is the story behind why Lawrence is addressed by his Japanese name in this story? His Japanese name as read directly from its component katakana and not the official Romanization of ‘Gelardan’ at that?
Not necessarily a bad thing, and in the end, authors make the final calls as to how their stories operate, but it
is a curious decision that I wonder what the backstory behind it was.
My eyes widened in shock. She was dying, and this was her way of telling me. It was no longer a possibility, but a cold fact.
… How does Lawrence know this again? Like if Lawrence had mentioned some time earlier in his narration that it was a treasured keepsake of his mother’s that she never let herself get separated from, it might have played up this vibe a bit harder, but this feels a bit “told and not shown”.
"Jiri, dear," she continued, "I want you to know something, and carry it with you forever." Her voice was getting fainter, and her eyes drooped shut. I lay down next to her and hugged her. "You've always been my shining star," she whispered.
"I'll be your angel."
And with that, she was gone.
I kinda wonder if there should’ve been more dwelling on this moment and how it impacted “Jiri” there, since these are kinda his formative moments as a person, and the process of him watching his mother go past feels kinda abrupt and like you left some opportunities to twist the knife with readers on the table.
Alternatively, if Jiri
wasn’t meant to realize what was going on at the time his mother was dying in front of him and it’s an after the fact thing from whenever’s he’s narrating these events, it might have made sense to play that up a bit more instead.
I dunno, food for thought, since at around 600 words, I thought you had a lot of room to expand your present scenarios a bit without bogging them down. Though I fully understand if you go “nope, focusing on new stuff” and opt to keep the ball rolling forward as a writer.
Obsession 2
I stayed with her for hours, my young mind unable to comprehend life without her. Finally, I came to the conclusion that it was simply a bad dream, and if I went to sleep, I would awaken in the true world, and she would be there, and everything would be all right. So I curled up and slept for what I later discovered was two days.
… How did Jiri’s mom not start to smell from decomposition from sitting around for two days? .-.
When I awoke, I was in my own bed, and my first reaction was joy. I was right, it was only a dream. But then I heard voices outside my room.
Oh, that would explain it. Even if I’m not sure how on earth he slept through being physically moved while sleeping.
"He's going to have to live with his father from now on."
"Oh yes, the poor thing. But maybe now, he can grow up right."
If they saw me now, they, too, would recant.
Would recommend splitting up the two lines of dialogue since they’re from separate speakers, but
who are these people again? Since Jiri isn’t exactly telling us
who he heard and without a visual component to aid things, it makes this bit a touch confusing as to figuring out what’s going on here, especially if these unseen and presently unnamed others are meant to be important in the future.
I curled up into a ball, clutching the ring to my chest. Mother, you told me you'd be there for me. Where were you when I needed you the most? My hands shook, and I choked back sobs, for I feared what would happen if the women outside heard me.
I… feel as if there’s a
lot of detail coming through in this one last paragraph that should’ve been spread out more and established earlier. Like Jiri still
had that ring with him and didn’t pull it off a dresser or something? Since you’d think that as a recalled memory, that if it stood out enough for him to remember details like this that he’d recall what happened with the ring, too. Especially since seeing it could’ve easily tipped him off to “Jiri, that
wasn’t a dream”.
I mean, alternatively, Jiri’s memories are hazy and he’s remembering this event in kinda disjointed terms but I didn’t exactly get that vibe from his narration.
I spent the night like that, sobbing quietly to myself, with the ring to my heart. Early in the morning, I heard someone at the door. My father had arrived.
As the door to my room opened, I ducked down into the covers and pretended to be asleep.
Wonderful omen for what Jiri’s dad was like, really.
"I can wait," he said. Slowly, I opened my eyes and peeked out. He smiled, and knelt down at the bedside. "Jiri, I'm sorry I wasn't here earlier. My work kept me away until now. I'm just...sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her."
This… also feels like something that could’ve had more done with. Especially since beyond showing off this scene in more detail from Jiri’s perspective it’s a chance to show off a bit about how Jiri views things from the present day.
Like does he resent his father for not being there for his mother when she was literally dying? Does he view him as someone who was a victim of circumstance who would surely be disappointed in how he turned out? Lots of possibilities here, but we don’t really get a solid look at them when it’d have been a chance at showing how Lawrence works in your setting as a character, especially for those of us who don’t have the benefit of having already seen M02 to establish baseline expectations.
"Papa..." was the only word I could say. I tried to hold them back, but the tears flowed freely now. He took me in his arms and stroked the back of my head, whispering softly to me. And only then could I return to sleep.
Wow, like a thousand words in and I’m already feeling down from this story. Certainly are doing a good job at priming your audience to feel sympathy for a guy from what I’ve heard wasn’t exactly a likable villain in his movie.
Obsession 3
I tried to attend her funeral, which was held in the backyard of our simple home, but I could not bear the sight. My mother, who had been as exuberant and lively as ever just a short time before, was lowered into the ground...it was far too much for me to take. Again, I took refuge in my room, and again I held the ring to my chest.
I can’t believe that it’s taking me this long to realize this, but boy did Jiri have a deprived childhood if he and his family couldn’t afford to bury his mother properly in a cemetery. Though hey, at least they weren’t broke enough to have to resort to cremation, which is the default across large swaths of Asia precisely because available land left to bury someone in is often prohibitively expensive.
Certain rituals provide comfort, especially to a broken mind, provide comfort. But mine with the ring stopped doing that by then, and was quickly leading to frustration. She told me she would be there for me. So where was she? I needed her more than ever before and she was not here! Distraught, I pounded the cabinet as hard as I could.
A flash of gold, and the card fell to the ground.
A couple recommendations for some rephrasing that might make sense to go in the rough direction of for your story.
Though boy, I’m sure that this will end well and not lead to totally unhealthy life outlooks. Totally sure.
I know I said earlier that the Ancient Mew card is my most valued possession. That is because I do not consider the ring to be mine, but rather it still belongs to my mother. Even after all these years--lifetimes in themselves--her presence remains with me.
Totally healthy and normal! /s
However, I am positive that, had she lived to see who I am today, she would want nothing to do with me.
Didn’t Jiri say something almost exactly like this back in Chapter 1? Is there some sort of twist to differentiate the two? Like Jiri just talked about how his mother’s presence is within him. How does he reconcile that with turning into someone he’s sure would bitterly disappoint her? Does it weigh on him? Does he try to ignore it?
I stared at that card for a long time, not moving to pick it up, just observing it where it lay, taking in all the details. Gradually, my hand crept out to retrieve it; but I was interrupted by my father's entrance to my room.
"Jiri..."
I averted my gaze, fixated on the card. But I wasn't looking at it, not really.
"You know, tomorrow I'm going back to Seafoam...you'll be coming with me..."
… Wait, does Jiri’s dad just have no commentary about that Ancient Mew Card lying around there in the open? Since I can’t tell if he’s meant to know that and understand its importance or not, or if it’s meant to just be a random trinket from his father’s perspective that Lawrence took a shine to since he was like 5 when he had it shown to him for the first time.
*...mother, where are you? You told me you'd be here...*
Ah yes, the joys of being a little kid and not understanding figurative speech.
That’ll certainly mess up a kid good and hard.
"You may want to say goodbye. The...burial is...already over..."
*...you didn't lie to me, did you? Mother, you promised me...*
Wait, is Jiri meant to be zoning out right now, or…?
I didn't hear most of what he said. I managed to catch that he loved me, and that he'd help me gather my things, and that I should say farewell to my friends--foolish man, I had no friends, how didn't you know that?
Ah yes, there we go, even if I wonder if Jiri’s “zoning out” should’ve been more explicitly pointed out by his narration. Though reminder that Jiri’s narration is all recounting past events, years after they happened and as such it probably doesn’t make sense to have him dip into present tense. Though I guess I was onto something with anticipating that he’d have lingering resentments towards dad.
The image of the card was growing fainter, my father's voice more distant. I was withdrawing, and soon I would be gone entirely.
*...mother, please, I need you now...*
Obsession 4
...I have never liked the water...
From my earliest memories, the water has been my downfall...
Right now I can feel the water around me, pulling me farther and farther away from the world, and I can feel the white wings around me, just like before...
...like before…
Oh, so this
is being narrated from the perspective of
Lawrence as he’s dying at the end of M02. Though you have a couple of minor punctuation errors. ‘I’ as a personal pronoun is always capitalized, and even with ellipses, you want to capitalize the start of new thoughts, which at least 2 of these lines are.
Mother never really did believe me...she clung to her belief of there being good in us all...in her world, she never believed that someone could do something like that...
…Perhaps her world was like this...
…They held me down, beneath the water…I struggled in vain, out of reflex. they were going to kill me, I knew that, and gave in.
I’m… not
fully sure what’s going on here, but I
kinda wonder if you’re laying it on a little thick with the ellipses there. Like I get that Jiri is supposed to be narrating this while drowning, but we didn’t exactly see this in prior chapters which are all presumably being narrated as part of some sort of life recall moment.
And then I saw it: white wings coming to me. I knew not if it was a demon or an angel, but it was coming to take me away from there, far away.
Lugia: “*Yeah, in retrospect, I should’ve let him drown back then, shouldn’t I?*”
The great bird calmed me, took me in its wings as the breath left me, and I could feel the world melting away. Death had no fear for me, not as long as this creature held me.
There was silence, and peace, and warmth, and stillness...
And then the world returned.
… Wait, so did
Jiri’s dad try to drown him or something? Since I’m really confused as to what on earth went down here other than that Jiri apparently almost drowned at some point in the past and Lugia was there to bail him out and kick off what is presumably the titular ‘Obsession’ of this story.
I was no longer beneath the waves, in the wings of the white bird. Instead, I was in the chair by the fireplace, a blanket wrapped around me. For a brief second, I thought I had imagined it, but then I felt the water still on my skin.
I am not sure what the story behind why everything is suddenly smallcaps is and I won’t draw further attention to it beyond suggesting spot fixes, but if that’s not by design, you probably want to take like 15 minutes to do a fast stepthrough to smooth those out since they’re a bit distracting.
Mother told me there were many spirits of the water, but my tale of a white bird perplexed her. Perhaps I had imagined it after all, imagined the safety it provided, the respite from a cruel world.
Yeah, Lugia is
absolutely going to become the titular Obsession once again.
Despite this, I have kept the image of the bird in my heart. Perhaps one day I shall see it again, if only in a dream.
Wait, but isn’t Jiri
drowning right now? I thought that was the implication of the opening of this chapter. Can someone realistically hope to see something again in a dream if they realize that they’re about to die?
Maybe I’m misreading things, but yeah. Kinda got conflicting signals there.
I am beginning to awaken. There is a calm about this place, as different as it is from the world beneath the waves. So this is where father has taken me; this is my new home.
It is like the water. This time, there will be no white bird to save me.
Okay, this threw me hard for a moment since it is written in present tense again while the vast,
vast majority of Lawrence’s narration is written from the perspective of him recalling things as an adult, so it was a little jarring to see it abruptly shift to present tense to the time when he was still a child with his father.
It might make sense to take some time to smooth that out to make the narration style a bit more consistent.
When I came to, in my father's home, the first thing I heard, through the open window, were the waves of the ocean.
Jiri:
Obsession 5
Despite my thoughts, the sound of the water was soothing, almost like the backdrop to a dream.
Oh, well
that’s certainly different from Jiri’s remark about water in the last chapter. Wonder if that’s something he wound up developing thanks to negative associations later in life in that case.
But I had had enough of dreams for the time being, at least the sort one has while asleep. My dreams have always been concurrent to my goals.
Totally healthy and normal there. /s
But I am getting ahead of myself.
I lay in bed for a few more minutes, getting my bearings. I was in Kanto, in Seafoam, at my father's home; that much I knew. I had been here only once before, but too long ago to clearly remember it.
… Wait, so was Jiri meant to have been born to parents who were estranged / divorced? Since I noticed that he specifically mentioned that his father already had a house of his own, so I kinda got those vibes from it.
I’m of two minds as to whether or not it should’ve been alluded to more in prior chapters. On the one hand, it’d certainly have been nice. On the other hand, Jiri by his own admission is literally remembering some of his earliest memories of life, so perhaps it makes sense he wouldn’t put two and two together.
… Though then again, he’s narrating it from the present day. Dunno. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but it might be worth something to consider given that Jiri as Narrator has the benefit of knowing things about what was really going on at various points in life that Jiri the Kid did not.
The room was sparse, with a few cardboard boxes stacked against the wall. That was all that remained of what my life had been, just whatever could be brought along.
Only a week ago, my life was untouched. Now I might as well have been adrift on the open ocean.
… Okay, now I’m
really curious as to what the traumatic event that gave Lawrence his fear of the sea was. Assuming that that wasn’t his near-drowning that Lugia bailed him out of sometime later on from this point in time.
There were voices down the hallway, and I slid out of bed to crawl to the door--having been bedridden for the time I was left me unable to properly walk. I recognized my father's voice, as he spoke to a woman I did not know.
… Is that supposed to be during Jiri’s time of mourning? Or else what is that alluding to there? It might’ve made sense to have just been a bit more direct and explicit about what this period of time was referring to.
"--don't know, Helen. He's still asleep, so it'll have to wait."
[ ] My father's voice was even and calm as always.
The woman paused. "I've never seen anything like that...What did you do with that ring of his?"
I feel like there should’ve been more commentary from Lawrence about what was going on, though this is certainly mysterious and ominous right about now. .-.
I gasped, looking around for it. What if he had forgotten it? What if it was lost in the move?
"It's on the desk. Can't have it getting lost in the covers..."
… Wait, is this talking about bed covers? If so, wouldn’t finding the ring again afterwards just be a matter of undoing said covers? I’m not
fully sure if I understand the rationale behind Lawrence Sr.’s objection here, even if I broadly agree with the direction of “bruh, I don’t want to have to keep searching for my dead wife’s ring constantly”.
A low sigh escaped from my parted lips, and with shaking legs, I stood, leaning against the wall for support. The desk was only a few steps away by normal measure, but it took my entire focus to reach it. The ring shone, glimmering like the waves of the ocean, as I took it in my hand, clasping it to my chest and sinking to my weary knees. It was back with me now, the treasure that just a short time ago still adorned my mother's hand. My grip around it tightened, and I felt safer.
… Wait, this was all in Jiri’s room all this time? I did not get that vibe at all from the way things were presented earlier. It might have made sense to have Lawrence Sr. be more explicit about the ring being left in his son’s room, presumably because he noticed that it helped Jiri’s mood or something like that.
Seafoam is a small town, despite the crowds that pass through it every year. My father's home and shop were atop a cliff, which was not only necessary for his business but kept us away from the areas people congregated.
… Wait, it was
necessary for his business? What on earth did this guy
do for a living? .-.
I have always valued solitude, even before that. So I was grateful for the silence, the only sounds around being from the hangar. My father was, and I would presume still is, a renowned airship engineer, attracting clientèle from the world over.
Although I did not know it, my future was being set at that very moment.
Oh, I guess that explains the massive airship from M02 there. So Lawrence called in a favor with his dad, huh?
The next thing I remember was several hours later, the sound of the door opening. At first I did not notice, until I felt someone in the room with me.
"Jiri? Are you here with me now?" My father knelt down to me, resting a hand on my shoulder. "What's that in your hand?"
Lawrence: “...”
Lawrence Sr.: “Jiri, come on.” >:|
Reluctantly, I opened my fist, revealing the ring on my palm. In the past hours, it had left an imprint in my skin. Oddly fitting, I thought.
"Gloria's ring..." he whispered, a faint twinge of sadness in his voice. "I thought that was it..."
I tried to say something, but could not find my voice.
It feels a little weird that it’s taken this long to find out the name of Lawrence’s mother. I dunno, maybe it’d feel a bit different if everything were all in one chapter, but part of me wonders why this wasn’t mentioned right at the bit with the two women talking in Gloria’s living room after her passing.
"Jiri," he continued, moving his hand to my face and brushing away a tear I did not know had formed. "Jiri, I'm sorry I wasn't there earlier...I wanted to be, but..."
I held up my hand, the one with the mark most evident. There was no need for him to explain.
Lawrence Sr.: “... Boy am I not remotely prepared to deal with this right now.”
He took me close, sighing. "Jiri, I want to hear your voice."
Again, I was unable to speak, so I merely shook my head against his chest.
… I can’t tell whether or not Lawrence logically should’ve remembered more of how his father’s reaction should’ve played out here or not. On one level, it kinda works as-is since the story’s fundamental framing is that this is Lawrence’s recollections of his past and memories as a young child fade and grow hazy with time. On another level, as a reader, it
does make the scene a little harder to visualize.
"My beautiful boy..." he muttered as his hand found the back of my head. "My little angel..."
I gasped. I couldn't be an angel, no, not while mother was my angel.
I did a double-take here and had to look back at Obsession 1, and right. That was a thing that was mentioned. Given the way that Jiri is reacting so negatively to this mention here, I kinda wonder if it should’ve been reiterated in at least 1 or 2 chapters between here and now, since it feels as if this is meant to have been something that stuck with Lawrence long and hard, but the prior chapters don’t really give off that vibe.
"Jiri? Jiri, what's wrong?"
With a flat tone that surprised even me, I managed to whisper "...mama's gone..."
He nodded. "...yes. I'm sorry."
Cue things going seriously sideways in 3… 2…
The ring glimmered in my hand, the light reflected from the waves outside catching it, and I mimicked his nod.
"Yes," I echoed, as he picked me up and laid me back in bed.
Live look at Lawrence’s inner thoughts:
"You should take it easy," he whispered, tucking the covers around me once more. The ring now shone from the bedside table, its ruby twinkling casting a dance on the ceiling.
I could not listen to his further words, although I was aware he continued to speak. Lying there, the light put me in a trance, and I fell asleep once again, thinking of the ocean.
I can’t believe you’re managing to make me feel sorry for a villain that by all accounts is a massive Hate Sink in his proper canonical appearance, though that makes me wonder how much of this is actually canonically alluded to in M02 and how much of it is stuff you cooked up for the sake of the story?
Obsession 6
The next few weeks passed, strangely uneventful, given my acclimation. It was most peculiar, for I do not recall anything of those weeks clearly.
… Wait, but if Lawrence was acclimated to his surroundings, wouldn’t it be
expected that things would be uneventful for him? Or did you mean to say that he
wasn’t acclimated and that he should’ve remembered more of things but he just didn’t?
I know I spent a great deal of time in my room, looking out the window. Seafoam is a pleasant enough town for others, but for me it was like being in another world.
I mean, it kinda was given that he got ripped away from everything that he had known as a young child to a place that literally only had the sea as a constant with his old house.
But the sky...the sky was the same, and it brought comfort. The sky would always be as it was at home. And it was safe, as home had been, as the wings of the white bird had been.
… Oh, so Jiri
didn’t almost drown at sea a couple chapters ago but it was some sort of psychic vision or communication from Lugia. Maybe. I’m not
fully sure at this rate.
I would see it again, where the sky met the ocean. But that day would be a long way off, and I still had much to happen in my life.
So this story really
is being told from the perspective of a life recall by Lawrence from towards the end of M02, huh?
One thing I know only from the stories of my father and his assistant Helen, was that I would do things that startled the both of them greatly. I have no memory of these incidents, but he would tell me that I insisted on drawing angels. I do not doubt him, as I dreamed of angels and white wings nearly every night.
I suppose that would explain a lot about why Lawrence wound up developing an obsession with Lugia, since at least when they’re not pissed at you and trying to blow you away, they definitely do a decent job at fitting an “angelic” motif…
Well, that and a seagull motif, even if that’s obviously not what Jiri has in mind there.
After a particularly disturbing day, to hear him tell it, wherein where I had locked myself in my room and covered every inch of paper with images of angels, he decided something had to change.
Boy did this kid get messed with by his mother dying on him something fierce.
Hoping to play on my artistic nature, he began taking me to his workshop. He would show me sketches and models of the ships he was constructing, and how they were made. I took to them quickly; it seems I was eager for an outlet.
Oh… Oh
no… so this really
does set him on course to becoming who he is in M02.
This part I remember with considerably more clarity than the weeks before it.
Most of the patrons came to know me by name, but did not pay me much mind. But I learned to read people from my dealings with them. I could tell much about a person from the things I saw. Most people were the idle rich, those wishing to show off their wealth with a custom-made token from the famous airship engineer Corbin.
Oh, so
that’s his dad’s name. Even if I kinda wish we’d found it out a bit sooner in the story.
Though wait, just how common
are airships in your setting anyways? Since from the way that Corbin is conducting his business, it makes it sound almost as if they’re like the yachts of Jiri’s world.
But one man stood out from the rest. He had a regal bearing, and an air of eternal calm, as though he knew how to take exactly what he wanted from life. He would smile kindly at me during his conversations with my father and the other engineers, but we had never spoken until one day.
Had that day never come, I cannot imagine where fate would have taken me.
He was another ‘Collector’ himself, wasn’t he?
Father had set up a station for me to work on my drawings, and I had an idea for that day's project. I would sketch my Ancient Mew card, to see if I could capture its essence on paper.
… Wait. What
is that card anyways? Like is it the literal TCG card, or is it something significantly rarer and more ancient in this world?
I had barely gotten set up when I heard a sharp gasp from behind me. The regal man was there, wide green eyes fixated on the card. "M...my boy!" he stammered. "Wherever did you get that card?"
I looked at it, then at him. "My mother gave it to me," I said simply as I returned to the picture.
I… don’t have a good feeling about where this is going, but hey, at least we found out that Lawrence still
has this thing in the present day? So he
probably won’t get scammed out of it by this guy right here and now?
"I see...You know, it's not often that you see one of those, much less in the hands of someone as young as you."
"Not often," I repeated, only to find his extended hand between me and the paper.
"My name is Asaph," he introduced.
… Wait, I just realized, but what on earth does this guy
look like anyways? Since all that has been described about him is that he has green eyes. Like beyond that and his ‘regal bearing’, I don’t know details as basic about Asaph such as his hair color, general attire, and apparent age.
If this guy is meant to be important, you might want to spell that out a bit more explicitly if you’re still doing revisions of your earlier chapters, since this is basically the audience’s first impression of this guy, and he’s really hard to get a bead on at the moment.
"Jirarudan." I shook his hand firmly and tried to turn my attention back to the picture.
"Do you think I...could get a closer look?" That calm of his was rapidly fading, so I nodded.
Wow, this guy really is just going to try and scam a kid out of his card, isn’t he?
"Be careful with it," I added, very close to my mother's own tone when she had issued such a warning to me.
He turned the thin card over in his hands, the gold sheet and gemstones glinting in the half-light. "Incredible. Do you know where she got this?"
Okay, so it’s not just a TCG card, but yeah. It would’ve been nice to have this explicitly described back in Obsession 1 since it was
really hard for me to wrap my head around what on earth that thing was supposed to be, whereas this helps fill in some details.
"From her parents, I presume." My short answers sufficed for most people, but I could tell Asaph wanted to know more. "She only told me that it was a family heirloom."
Technically that was Lawrence in narration and I don’t
think we saw Gloria do that onscreen, but eh. Close enough.
A slow nod of his head. "I see..."
I started shading in a part I had already drawn. "Why do you take such interest in it?"
He set the card back next to me and drew himself up to full height, like a regal speaker about to deliver an address. "Well, my boy, I...am a Collector."
Yeah, I figured that things were going to go here. I can already tell that Asaph was not a good influence on Lawrence as a kid given the places he’s supposed to go to as a Collector himself.
Obsession 7
A Collector... I had heard of such people before, those who lived their lives for artifacts of the ancient world. The idea had intrigued me when I’d heard it before in mention, but I had not paid it much mind past that. But now I had to know more.
"A Collector..." I repeated softly, evidently enough to cause him to duck down to my level.
"Yes..." he smiled gently, meeting my gaze.
On the one hand, I get that Jiri had a life offscreen, on the other hand, I
kiiiinda wonder if this thematically would’ve had more punch if it had explicitly come up in Chapter 1 at something like that, since we could’ve actually
seen this as readers.
Though I suppose that this is a sign that my instinct that Asaph was going to be a bad influence on this kid was onto something. Let’s see just how many “obvious red flag” vibes this dude winds up giving off in the course of this chapter.
Eye contact was intensely uncomfortable for me at that time, so I looked away, back at the card. "...what do you know of this?" I asked him, running my finger over the thin gold sheet.
His smile broadened and his eyes danced. "I'm surprised your mother hasn't told you yet."
"...mother isn't here," I whispered, but evidently he did not hear me.
Asaph: “... Well.
Awkward… But anyhow…”
[ ]
"It's a remarkable relic, really. There's only been a few on the market in recent years..." He paused to clear his throat before continuing. "Many years ago, that picture was found on the wall of an ancient building, deep in the jungle. One of the explorers who found it that day made a painting of it, but found that he could not capture the brilliant gold sheen of the original. So he hired a goldsmith and a jeweler to make these cards, and gave them to everyone involved in the expedition.”
[ ]
“There were over two hundred people who took part, so the cards are just common enough that people 'discover' them in their heirlooms, and rare and fine enough that people will pay dearly for them."
Asaph’s dialogue where he explains the backstory of the Ancient Mew card is long enough that you should consider chopping it up into pieces. Also, it might make sense to show some description of him going full [riowolu] over this super-rare artifact that only
had 200 instances of it ever made (and presumably with fewer surviving to the present day), since how he reacts is presumably something that Jiri noticed and made an impression on him.
I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, still focused on the card. "Mama said it was in her family for many years. She told me it was called Ancient Mew."
"Yes, yes, that's what people have taken to calling it."
He still seemed excited by his find, but was calming, so I turned to look at him again. "...Tell me more."
Yeah, this is one of those things that IMO should’ve been explicitly described a bit more since this feels more “told” than “shown”
"...more?" His eyebrows raised elegantly. "What did you have in mind, my boy?"
I looked back at the card, running my finger down the jeweled face. "...what does the writing say?"
… Wait, is this literally the same card as the TCG where it’s “Little God… or Evil?” in a cipher substitution into Futhark or…?
"Hmm..." He put his hand to his face as though lost in thought. "It's based on a game they found around the same area, but I'm really not certain what it says. I'm sure some cursory research could be done to find out, though."
Oh, so it
is a TCG card. Of sorts. I just have one reaction to that:
Since hey, it’s a cute little easter egg, and I myself have done a couple things like that in my own writing. Though that now makes me wonder if there’s also modern ones lying around in this continuity, or if PTCG is explicitly a game played by the ancients in this world.
For the time, that was good enough for me. I later found out, but that is neither here nor there for the continuation of my tale.
I think you’re missing some words there. I
assume that’s supposed to say something like “I later found out what the runes said”, but that’s admittedly a guess based off of context and something you should strongly consider explicitly spelling out.
Asaph was enthralling, regaling me with tales of his own treasures, and I listened, enraptured, to every word. But then he was called away to check on some specifications for his ship, leaving me to absorb everything he had told me.
A slow smile spread across my face, although at the time I did not know why.
This also feels like something that should’ve been shown off more explicitly instead of just mentioned in passing in a single paragraph when this chapter was less than 500 words long, since you had a lot of room to show things off before things felt like they started to drag.
Onto the recap of this whole thing, but 20 years of continuous work, huh? I wonder just how much this story has changed in the time since then, since just from the threadmark list, it seems like your chapter structure definitely evolved with time, even if it’ll probably be a heavy lift for me to get to your newer fare as part of this Review Blitz. I do feel that before diving into my deeper thoughts that it’d only make sense to commend you for sticking to your story for this long and continuing to bump it in the present day, since a
lot of people would’ve called it quits on their story well before this point.
Alright, to start off with what I felt were the strong suits for this story. But the big strength of the run of
Obsession I read up to this point was that you did a
really good job at characterizing Jirarudan/Lawrence, and help with getting inside the head with someone who will wind up becoming a villain who is, well. Obsessive. You presented a sequence of events that feels like it’d be a believable start of darkness and I can already tell that it’s going to be a gut punch watching him transform from a vulnerable child into who he was.
That ties in what I feel is the other main strength of this story which is its accessibility. I admittedly was kinda worried going into this that I’d be super lost since you’re writing about a character that has literally only appeared in one anime movie, but I think you did a good job at framing things in terms such that you don’t
need to know about M02 or Jirarudan/Lawrence’s role in it for the story to make sense, even if it. Like the way it’s written already has a decent hook and gives a promise of a downward spiral to come that’s discernible even if you aren’t aware that “oh, the protagonist is the M02 villain”.
As for the things that I felt were the weaknesses of the chunk of the story I read, the full rundown is in the writeup earlier, but there are some things that still stood out to me in general. On the smaller error side, but you have verb tense oopses and drift out of past tense that pop up here and there when the fundamental framing is Lawrence/Jiri recounting past events of his life from the present day. If he’s doing that you
don’t want to use verb tenses other than past tense unless it’s something that is happening in the present day in the background of Jirarudan’s narration. But those are things that could honestly be resolved with a quick stepthrough.
As for bigger issues that I noticed, but there seemed to be a recurring issue with certain scenes and moments that were hard to visualize since there’s not a lot of description. Like for instance, up to the point I read, Asaph’s explicitly described appearance was literally his eye color and overall “vibe”, and there were a number of details like the Mew Card where details about what they were like were curiously withheld until like 5 chapters after their initial introduction. As a general rule of thumb that I suspect you’ve figured out in your more recent chapters from how long they are, but unless there’s
specific plot reasons for doing otherwise, you want to be upfront with descriptions when introducing people, places, or things to stories since that’s the initial impression the reader has of those things and allows you to get away with not having to explicitly describe them later without undercutting the audience’s ability to visualize things.
Related to the issue regarding a lack of description at parts, but there’s some recurring issues with “tell and not show” in these first seven chapters. Like I get that everything here is
technically being “told” by Lawrence to the audience, but at the same time, we’re watching things play out, and sometimes the conclusions that the audience can piece together from the stuff they see. It’s a bit strange to see issues like these since these chapters in general were really short. Enough so that you could’ve easily doubled or tripled their length and they’d still feel short. If you do ever go back to revise them, I’d strongly advise taking the time to just slow down and proverbially sniff the roses a bit more to show off more of these “formative moments” for Jirarudan for the audience since it’s an opportunity to both paint more vivid pictures for your readers and give more insight into the inner workings of Jirarudan as a character for those less versed in his role in M02.
Overall, I liked what I saw of your story
@Blackjack Gabbiani , but there were some bigger structural hiccups that were present. I don’t know how much of that is early installment weirdness that you’ve opted to just live with versus stuff that you’re still open to revising at a later date, but after 20 years on the grind, I don’t fault you for choosing to just leave the start as it is and move onto the newer horizons.
Though hey, I wouldn’t have kept plowing into chapters from your story if I
didn’t like the idea behind it or thought that on balance it wasn’t a net positive experience. I’ll definitely be back at least once in Review Blitz to get more of this story if I can help it. Perhaps even beyond that, even if it’ll probably take a while since my reading queue is a bit crowded these days.
