Marowak Dojo ~ Living Quarters

[Namohysip]

Owen seemed to understand, fiddling with his flame and seemingly 'scooping' off a stray ember or two to dance around his claws. "I guess that's true," he said. "Even back home, I have a lot of people worried that I might lose it if I don't focus. That's why I meditate so much, actually. It helps clear my mind and subdue that itch.

"But it couldn't have been that bad," Owen said, looking up from his flame and toward Brisa. "Not like you killed them. With Curio, you didn't know, and I bet anybody could have done that if they happened to have the right techniques. With Starr, I dunno what an illegal hold is, but I guess that's just something to live and learn for, right?"

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Brisa scoffed. "Well, you got sparrin' rules where you're from, right? You don't just..."

Out with it, Ranger.

"I put my teeth on Starr's neck. Put myself within one mistake of tearing her throat out. I know everyone's home world is different, but where I come from... you don't do that. You don't."

She sucked air through her teeth.

"I spend all this time worrying I'm gonna hurt- kill someone on accident. Why do I keep puttin' myself in a position to let it happen? Why can't I just stop?"

 

[Namohysip]

Owen's eyes remained neutral, but his flame betrayed him and crackled near the end of Brisa's quiet rant. "Why can't you just stop," Owen repeated like he was speaking of an old friend. "You like to fight. It's... part of you. And you're in a team where not a lot of them are the same way. You're getting stir-crazy, maybe? Not to mention all the Radiance and Shadows going on with us...

"But..." Now it was Owen's turn to speak. "I know how you feel. I'm... I was the same way. Except..."

His flame dimmed, expanded, dimmed, cracked, and Owen took a meditative breath. And then the flame was even.

"I actually killed someone."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Brisa nodded along and then leaned in when Owen delivered that weighty truth.

"How did it happen?" she asked, evenly. "Not that you need to spill yer guts to me if you'd care not to. But I'll listen."

She tried to keep her body language as steady and as approachable as possible, but she couldn't stop her tail tuft twitching in agitation. This was one hell of a thing to confess, even if they were on pretty good terms and all. Had Owen killed someone in a sparring accident? Or in self defence? Or in cold blood? It was hard to imagine that he'd meant to do it, whatever the fact of the matter.

 

[Namohysip]

Owen could tell, and he wasn't sure how much he wanted to say anymore. But he'd already let it out, and refusing to elaborate further would probably just make Brisa fill the gaps in with something worse.

Maybe.

"...I lose it when I battle," Owen said. "When I battle too much, I mean. There's, I mean, it's sort of different for you for sure, but..." Owen didn't expect to turn this into something about him, and now he was feeling self-conscious about that. "I was on a mission with some bad people at the time. W-well, not bad, not bad, I mean, okay, I don't know how to describe the alignment, but we had to do something, and we had to do it badly. I was sort of... meant to do the fighting, since I was a lot stronger, had a few talents, and stuff. I had some special battle instincts that made fighting easier. When I got into that... battle mode..."

His gaze darkened a little. "I didn't feel pain. I didn't feel fear. I just saw a target that I had to take out. It'd get my heart pumping and I'd feel so... so good about it, about... ab-about, well, about... that." This was harder than he thought. "I loved it. I wasn't thinking. S-so when my claws sank in, and I unleashed those flames, I... I had no regrets in the moment. It was exactly what I wanted to do. I'd've done it more. I..." For some reason, Owen laughed. Perhaps at himself, for one reason or another.

"I was a monster. An actual, bloodthirsty monster, Brisa."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

If Owen was expectin a horrified reaction... he didn't get it.

"I hear ya," she replied. She let the thought breathe for a moment. No sense in rushing her reply.

"You're right that it ain't exactly the same for me. But it sure is close. When I've gone up against genuinely foul creatures, I mean, real unmitigated villains... the only thing stoppin' me from killin' em was knowin' that I'd probably hang for it myself." She gave a short, sharp, humourless chuckle. "If they could even law a paw on me, that is."

She drew herself a little closer to Owen. She couldn't always get a good read on people outside of a battle, but the guy surely needed to feel some kinda normal and accepted. She could do that.

"You sure don't seem like a monster to me, Charmander Owen. What you did... it ain't my sin to forgive. You gotta deal with that yourself. But the way I see it... you ain't a bad person. I've seen how you try'n help folks. I know you held yourself back in Shaymin Village. I know you got the best interests of others at heart. So, I don't feel any less safe around you, knowin' what you just told me."

She meant it.

 

[Namohysip]

It was a relief to feel a lack of terrified eyes on him. He nodded along, saying, "That's one reason I meditate. It keeps me even and calm and steadies my aura, or whatever the equivalent is here. It helps calm that need to fight. Fighting on its own is fine, and as long as I do it only a little, I don't, y'know, it doesn't get to that point.

"But there's always this... creeping... madness, I guess. In hindsight that's what it feels like. In the moment I don't even realize it. I--I can't slip into that again. And it's just there. T-to be honest, I was terrified of what my Shadows would become, so the fact that it wasn't that means it's probably if I get too Radiant instead, or something..."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Only a little, huh? There'd been a point in the last month where she'd sparred with Owen daily for a while. They were as bad as each other!

"Seems to me like Radiance makes a mon bold the same way as a strong drink, and Shadows bring up all the painful stuff from the back of your head. Can't imagine it'd go well to dose too highly on both at once..."

She shook her head clear of that thought. She didn't like where it was going.

"Look, I reckon you've got a good head on your shoulders. But if you're worried, y'can let me know if there's anythin' I can do for you to help. Keep an eye on you when we spar, sorta thing."

 

[Namohysip]

"Thank you," Owen said, his voice quieter than usual. "I'd... appreciate that. I don't want to become that monster again. It's part of me and I'm never going to get rid of it, but... I can at least keep it down. Turn it into something more productive, you know? That's sort of how I wound up making it work. If I have to fight, I may as well be fighting the right things in the right way."

He sighed, and that cheerful smile was back, though it was more subdued and respectful this time. "Didn't mean to turn this into a thing about me, sorry. I guess, just, with you... I think we can look out for each other. There's a lot going on here, right? I think they understand. Like you said, the bad blood is going away."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Brisa waved away Owen's insistence on keeping the talk about her angle.

"You can talk to me any time, partner."

Owen really was a sweet fella. It was starting to seem like everyone on the posse had darkness in their past, but this guy was still so bright even despite his remorse.

"Look out for each other, huh? I'd like that. Sure seems like we have a real similar concern to me. I mean... I deal with my combat hunger by takin' it out on outlaws and the like. A bandit don't deserve too much mercy anyhow. But all the same... I don't wanna be what I felt I was back in the Shadows. I don't wanna be a violent animal. So... if you keep me in check, I'll keep my eye on you. Deal?"

 

[Namohysip]

Owen nodded, grinning. "Right. Sounds great to me!" He sighed, looking lighter than before. "There's nothing wrong with wanting a fight now and then, after all. Outlets and healthy, productive uses of it, and stuff." Though, speaking of her Shadows... "Yeah, and about that, your Shadows... In hindsight, I'm kind of surprised at how mine turned out, too. Just collapsing like that... Your Shadow doesn't talk to you, I'm guessing? I think everyone's is manifesting a little differently. Mine, uh..."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Brisa gave another of her dry smiles.

"Guessin' that was your Shadow you were talkin' to back there, huh? I dunno, maybe I should give it a try. Talk to my Shadow. Might have somethin' useful to say. Before that, I reckon I've got other stuff to contend with. I got a lot of catchin' up to do after, ah. The Reverse World."

You mean The Pit.

Owen would talk to her if she asked. She was sure. But... she couldn't ask. Not yet.

 

[Namohysip]

"Still haven't caught up with everyone, huh?" Owen asked, sighing. "Yeah, I guess after everything, you should focus more on resting and all that..." He stood up, stretching. "I'm glad that we were all able to get through it safely, at least. Maybe later we can get together and plan our next steps, since I heard Maple and the others aren't really sure what to do yet..."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Brisa nodded. "Yeah, it's just one thing after another, and while I can hold my own in a conversation I... I have trouble speakin' to a whole slew of folks in short order. I'm used to bein' alone."

She stood and stretched, trying to shiver off the emotional weirdness of talking about murder and Shadows.

"I'm headin' into Destiny Village pretty soon, I reckon," she said. "There're still folks I got unfinished business with, and a whole lotta new concerns risin' up all the time. But Owen... any time you want to talk, gimme a shout, okay?"

She gave the charmander an apprehensive look. "I care about you, y'hear. Are you... takin' time for yerself? What do you do to put your heart at ease besides fightin'?"

 

[Namohysip]

Owen watched, a little surprised to hear that, but he smiled anyway. "Yeah, thanks, I... yeah. I don't have much trouble speaking to others nowadays, since, you know, comes with the job and interacting with clients... Back when I actually did that job and wasn't--not important. I, er, I've been doing fine. When I'm not fighting I'm meditating or reading or exploring around town, y'know? And now that we have Destiny Village I probably have a whole lot more to explore... And hey, y'know, in a weird, kinda-sorta way, I have company now..."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

"Right. Yer Shadow."

What a concept...

"Sounds like you got a handle on yourself. Just... promise me you won't burn out, that's all. Sure seems like everyone I take a likin' to has a tendency to throw themselves into one thing after another, and I don't wanna see y'all in the infirmary week after week."

 

[Namohysip]

"I won't," Owen said. "I've already got Bahamut telling me to be honest with myself, too. And now that I have my Shadow lecturing me about how to be proper and all that, it's not like I have anywhere to hide anymore." He laughed a little, rubbing his cheek. "Mm... But all things considered, I don't mind my Shadow. If I was a lot younger, I'd be telling him to go away and hiding from it, or maybe something like that, but... Maybe I don't need to. D'you want to see him? Maybe it can help you, I dunno, come to terms with your own."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Brisa's body locked in place, ears, tail and paws frozen where she stood.

Breathe, Ranger. Pull yerself together.

"Alright. Don't know how I can face mine if I can't face yours. Let's have it out, then."

 

[Namohysip]

"Mhm." Owen could sense the apprehension in the air, so he made it easier for now. It pooled below his feet and rose behind him, looming and staring with those golden, featureless eyes. It stared at Brisa, judging silently.

"...So, there he is," Owen said with a nervous titter.

The flaming gold eyes flashed.

"...Y-yeah, sorry, he speaks a little harshly. I promise I was never like that..."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Brisa tensed up almost hard enough to start sparking as the Shadow appeared.

You're a violent animal. You're gonna end up killin' someone. You just keep hurtin' people. You oughta be put down.

She forced herself to breathe and relax her body, tail thrashing about nonetheless.

"You're gonna have to relay what he just said," she told Owen. "'Cause I can't hear a squeak outta him."