Pokémon Home is Where the Hoenn is

[Flyg0n]

Home is Where the Hoenn is

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Summary: There's no such thing as a Flygonite. Or so they say. Hana has never been interested in pursuing impossible things. But when her Flygon, Raga, sets her sights on mega evolution, Hana is forced to find out—how far is she willing to go for something she doesn't believe in? And how far will Raga go for a dream she can't let go of?

Spoiler: Author's Notes

Welcome to my new fic that I will hopefully not abandon. This idea seized me and I haven't been able to let go of it since. I couldn't slip in my favorite mon, Flygon, into Legendary Adventures. So I decided, why not write a whole story centered around a trainer with flygon!! And the idea of a trainer pursuing something that seemingly may not exist. This story actually technically takes place in the same rough continuity as Legendary Adventures, but its so far removed that you don't need to read it all to understand. (But you should! ;] )

Spoiler: Crit request

Unlike Legendary Adventures, I'm okay with basically any and all crit. My one caveat is that I ask that if there's parts you like and think worked well, you can point those out as well. Otherwise, just about anything goes.

My goal for this story is to try and write a character-driven story with subtext, subtle themes, and craft something that feels more explorative and less plain/simplistic. I am not backing down on the non-chronological aspect, so any crit regarding that I ask to focus on how I can do it better if you have crit.

I am particularly seeking feedback on:
-Character
-Development of character
-Subtle themes
-Subtext
-Worldbuilding details
-Progression
-Emotional beats

These aside, I still welcome all forms of feedback, both simplistic or critical! Many thanks!

Spoiler: Art

(Art Credit to Dragonfree). This was my first rendition of Hana, as drawn by Dragonfree, who did a wonderful job. I figure this is how Hana looked when she was a little younger maybe?

(Art credit: Hawkosa on Deviantart. Love his art, check him out)
On my second request of Hana, I refined her design and this is what Hawkosa came up with! I really like the adjustments!

Chapter 1: The Magikarp and the Waterfall
(Thanks to Pen for helping me beta this chapter! And for helping smooth out my summary!)


(Art credit: chibipika)​

Ash fluttered from the skies, coating the windowsill outside Hana’s room. Beyond the sooty windowpanes, she could make out the silhouette of a Flygon, perched on top of the hill.

“Raga...” Hana murmured. Easing herself around Cosmo, her snoozing Linoone, she crawled out of bed and pulled on her boots and jacket. With a yawn, she trotted outside.

When Hana had first come to Fallarbor Town, she’d spent a full five minutes just staring at the ash falling from the sky, entranced. Raga had been a Vibrava then and had immediately taken to swooping and diving about, batting the ash into clouds until she slipped into a sneezing fit.

Hana had laughed at the sight, and Raga had laughed as well, her strange little trills echoing through the air. They spent some time sightseeing before moving on to the next town to challenge the gym. Back then, Raga had been happy. Even when Hana put aside her badge quest to join the research lab, Raga had still been happy.

The first time this had happened, Hana had dismissed it as a one-off. But every night for the last two weeks she had been woken by an emptiness beside her bed and found Raga outside, standing in silence. Not moving, just... thinking.

The soot softened Hana’s footfalls as she made her way up the hill, but Raga turned as if she had sensed her. The Flygon’s eyes caught shards of moonlight. Soot had gathered between her wings and on her head. She hadn’t moved in some time. Hana raised her hand in a half-hearted wave.

“I thought we'd agreed you’d stop coming out here,” she called out, only half teasing.

Raga gave a low trill. Her red gaze bored into Hana for a moment, before she looked away and huffed, sending up a puff of gray dust. She fluttered her wings rapidly, shaking the ash from her body.

Hana smiled. Even though it had been two weeks since Raga’s evolution, she still wasn’t used to being able to look up to her. “There was nothing you could have done to win. And you’re still my favorite dragon, no matter what that guy said.”

Raga didn’t move.

“You know that, right?”

A snort, a flutter of her wings, and a flick of her tail. She was still upset.

Hana sighed. She reached out, resting her hand against Raga’s side. “We’ll do some more training tomorrow, okay? But you know you always have trouble battling when you’re sleepy. Come back inside. Get some rest.”

For a moment, Raga stilled, her chest barely even moving. She was thinking. Weighing her frustration and instincts against her better judgment. Letting out one last huff, she turned and dipped her head in assent.

As Hana started back towards her house, Raga fell in step behind her. Each heavy step the dragon-type took resounded in Hana’s thoughts, as she tried to think of a way to cheer up Raga. Darn that trainer and his Garchomp. Everything was fine until he showed up.

It was their fault Raga had been distant and bitter all week, despite all of Hana’s attempts to console her. Even after evolving, Raga had still lost the battle. All because of the newly discovered bane of Raga’s existence, mega evolution. If only she could go back and decline that battle, everything could go back to normal.

Hana tromped into her house, dusting ash from her jacket before stepping aside to let Raga squeeze through the doorway. The house was plain, but nicely spacious, an amenity provided for interns working at the lab. Even a dragon like Raga had space to move around as long as she was careful.

With a half-hearted grunt that she took to mean ‘goodnight’, the dragon flopped onto the ground and wrapped her tail around her snout. Hana chewed her lip. Normally Raga would join her and sleep in her bedroom.

Hana watched her for a moment, brow furrowed, then shook her head. Tomorrow would be better. Some dedicated training would cheer Raga up, and then everything could go back to normal. Feeling a little more confident, she returned to bed. As she crawled back under the covers, Cosmo yawned and nuzzled up against her side. A moment later the Linoone was fast asleep. Moments later, Hana joined him.

xXx

“Alright Raga, Dragon Pulse!”

The buzz of Raga’s wings filled the air as she lifted into the early morning sky. Purple energy licked around her jaws for a second before she let out a thin beam of energy. The blast struck the boulder they were using as a training dummy, chipping off a piece, but otherwise leaving it unharmed.

Hana frowned and tapped her chin. “Alright Raga, you need to gather the energy and sort of compact it for a bit first, then fire.”

She’d woken up a good thirty minutes earlier than usual to come out to their spot outside town and train with Raga. Cosmo was curled up on a rock a few feet behind her. She’d told him he could stay in bed, but he’d insisted on coming--only to immediately fall asleep anyway. Every now and then, Hana caught sight of a flash of red as her Plusle, Pi, pounced from dust heap to dust heap.

Raga landed and stared at her in confusion.

“Think of it like ... a snowball. Remember that research trip we took to Sinnoh? If you press all that energy together you make it a lot stronger than just throwing some out there.”

A grin formed on the dragon’s face and she let out an excited trill. Beating her wings, she rose into the air once more. Violet light gathered in front of her face, but this time she didn’t instantly let loose. After a few seconds, the light solidified into something darker and more compact.

“Perfect! Now let it go!”

The stream of energy shot from Raga’s mouth and collided with the boulder, shearing off a substantial chunk.

Hana cheered. “That was awesome, Raga!”

As Raga landed beside her and gave her a triumphant nuzzle, Hana pulled out her phone. 6:37am. Plenty of time to get in more training before she had to report to the lab.

She looked up again. “Alright, this time we’re gonna focus on compacting that energy quicker, got it?”

Raga nodded. Fluttering her wings, she rose into the sky once more.

“Now, Raga!” Hana called. She caught the faintest glimpse of a smile grace the dragon's face. Then a powerful Dragon Pulse annihilated the boulder completely.

Practice continued for another hour. Hana alternated between honing Raga’s moves and having her spar with Pi and Cosmo, who had finally woken up. 8am came sooner than Hana would have liked, and with a sigh, she brought their training to a close. One brisk walk later, Hana arrived outside Fallarbor Labs. Cosmo and Pi had already opted for the comfort of their pokeballs. Only Raga remained out.

“What do you wanna do, Raga?” Hana asked, pausing outside the entrance.

Raga gave a low rumble, tipping her head and flicking her tail. Pokeball.

“Gonna hang in your pokeball today, huh?” Hana kept her voice light, but she couldn’t help furrowing her brow. Raga usually loved hanging out with her in the labs while she worked or did field experiments. And on top of that she’d skipped breakfast, for the third time this week. But it was hardly as if she could force her to eat.

A red flash swallowed Raga, and Hana rubbed her hand over the smooth surface of the pokeball, sighing. Maybe Oliver could give her some advice. He knew more about pokemon behavior than anyone else she’d ever worked with. Tucking the pokeball on her belt, she stepped into the facility.

Her worries seemed to melt away as she ambled through the hall, waving to her coworkers and fellow interns. It was hard to believe what a difference two months could make. The first time she’d entered the lab, she’d kept her head down and had hardly spoken a word to anyone. Now everyone greeted her on a first-name basis.

The lab specialized in studying pokemon moves and behavior and had an impressive program available to young trainers. Housing was provided nearby, and they were given the chance to assist the researchers with various tasks in exchange for valuable experience. A chance encounter with Oliver had eventually led to him offering her a position if she ever wanted it.

The terrarium was her first stop. Stepping into the glass dome felt like leaving Fallarbor Town. Warm, sticky air wrapped around her skin. Sunlight, refracted among the glass panes ahead, lit up the area like a sunny day attack. An Armaldo trundled up to her, clicking a greeting. Hana waved. “Hello, Shale!”

Shale clicked happily before wandering back into the trees. If Shale was here, Oliver probably was as well. The Armaldo rarely strayed far from his trainer. Raga and me used to be like that.

Shaking her head, she followed a path through the greenhouse to a large lake that took up most of the rear area. A geyser of water erupted from the surface, spraying a shimmering rainbow. A moment later a Milotic breached the lake’s surface with a trilling cry. She fired a ring of water into the air, then twisted gracefully through it, scales shimmering in the sunlight.

Smooth as pecha syrup, she slid back into the water, vanishing again.

Hana clapped and whistled. “Good show, Laguna!”

The Milotic emerged from the lake and slithered onto land, crooning in delight. She flopped on the sand, exposing her belly. Hana took the hint and began to scratch under Laguna’s chin. Her scales were silky smooth as always and perfectly clean.

Laguna let out a soft cry that ended in a rising note, tipping her head to the side.

“The others are good,” Hana said. “Raga is in her pokeball today.”

The Milotic rumbled, her eyes darkening with worry.

“I’m sure she’ll get over it eventually.” Hana shook her head. “I already explained that no one has found a Flygonite. They don’t exist.” She shrugged, avoiding Laguna’s crimson gaze, which suddenly struck her as accusatory. “I’m trying, though. We get up early to train together. She just has to accept she’s fine the way she is.”

Laguna’s only reply was to swish her tail through the water and snort.

Hana sighed again. She knew it wasn’t that simple. Battling was intrinsic to pokemon’s very nature, second only to companionship. And she could only imagine how devastating last week’s loss had been for Raga. But she didn’t get why Raga was still upset. When they lost to Winona twice, Raga had simply thrown herself into training until they won. What made this any different?

“I’ll see you later, alright?” Stroking Laguna one final time, Hana turned around and headed for the entrance.

Halfway there, she caught snatches of conversation and odd clicking noises to her left. She turned and caught sight of Oliver, engaged in a rapid conversation with Shale. The Armaldo’s clicks were like indecipherable code to Hana, but her supervisor followed them easily. Hana waited until they had wrapped up, then waved. “Oliver!” she called out.

He looked up, then smiled. “Oh! Hello, Hana! How are you doing this fine morning?”

Hana tipped her head up slightly to look him in the eyes. “Good!” she said, trying to match his cheer. "How’s Shale doing?”

A child-like grin formed on Oliver’s face. “Very well. He said he’ll accompany us today on our field expedition.” He frowned, cocking his head to peer at her. “You appear troubled,” he mused.

Two months ago, Hana might have flinched at observation, given how much pride she took in masking her emotional state, especially at work. Of course, she’d quickly come to learn that Oliver Lockwood had a gift for discerning the feelings of both people and pokemon. No wonder he was the lead researcher.

She sighed, averting her eyes to studying the bark of a nearby tree. “It's just... I don’t think Raga gets it.”

“Ah.” Oliver nodded slowly. “Still up at night, I take it?”

“Yes. And she’s not eating as much. I just wish she’d understand, you know? She never used to get this upset over battles. I worry about her when I see her out there at night. I try to train with her and she’s happy then, but she still doesn’t seem content. I don’t know what else to do. Raga’s fine just how she is. All I want is for her to understand that.” She sighed again and stared at the ground.

“Be patient.” Oliver gave her a quick pat on the shoulder. “Perhaps something may present itself, you never know.”

Hana smiled, feeling a little better. Even though Oliver couldn’t solve Raga’s problem for her, it was nice to get her worries off her chest.

Oliver continued. “For now, focus on the task at hand. We have some field research awaiting us!”

xXx

Two hours later, Hana perched on a ridge overlooking a steep valley, surrounded by several other researchers, Oliver included. Raga and Pi remained in their pokeballs, while Cosmo curled around her feet, his blue eyes gleaming with interest as he stared into the valley.

A cacophony of cries rose from within, echoing across the slopes. A large crowd of pokemon had gathered in a patch of earth that had been completely cleared of ash. There were Graveler, Zangoose, Nuzleaf, Machoke and many other species present. There were even a few Spinda, to Hana's surprise. All of them stood in a loose circle. From the corner of her eye, Hana caught a glimpse of one of her coworkers furiously scribbling down observations about the different species present.

Hana watched the scene unfold. First, a Zangoose broke away from the crowd and stepped into the circle. Judging by the size, it appeared to be the same Zangoose she’d observed the last two times they’d come to this valley. It stood nearly six inches taller than the other Zangoose.

It raised its claws, and the pokemon around it grew quiet. Then it threw back its head and let out a loud snarl. Low, rumbling cries rippled through the crowd. A Sandslash stepped into the clearing and brandished its claws. The two pokemon met eyes, dipped their heads, then sprang into battle.

Hana leaned forward as the two pokemon locked claws and traded rapid, skillful blows. There was something about wild pokemon battles that gave her a sense of awe. There was no tactics or fancy strategy, just attacks and counter-attacks. She almost forgot to do the very job she’d been brought for - recording the battles, and what techniques the wild pokemon could use.

After what felt like only a moment, the battle ended with the Zangoose battered but victorious. It dipped its head to its opponent. The Sandslash returned the gesture before shuffling back into the crowd.

A tense silence fell. Then a Spinda stepped into the ring. A few murmurs rose from Hana’s co-workers. She shared their surprise. Spinda were a fairly weak species. Without a trainer, one stood little chance against a Zangoose, a species that sparred regularly among themselves. She watched as the Spinda tottered awkwardly into place. The Zangoose eyed it for a moment, then chirped sharply and gestured towards the watching crowd. The Spinda shook its head. Hana found herself holding her breath. Would the Zangoose refuse the challenge? But even as the thought crossed her mind, the Zangoose gave a guttural snarl and brandished its claws, scraping the tips together.

The grating sound caused Hana to flinch briefly, but she smiled. Among Zangoose, such a gesture used to show respect to worthy combatants. Glancing at her notebook, she scribbled a quick note of the occurrence. Then the battle began.

To the Spinda’s credit, it lasted longer than Hana expected. Which was to say it dodged two blows before the third knocked it out instantly. A brief wave of pity washed over Hana as the Spinda staggered back into the crowd. Poor thing. Part of her wanted to go down and feed it some berries, console it, tell it that it didn’t need to fight to prove itself.

For the next couple hours, Hana focused on recording the fights and what tactics the wild pokemon used. Her coworkers made notes of their own, detailing the behaviours of the pokemon. As the day wore on, different pokemon fought, not just the lead Zangoose. She also saw a Spinda fight three more times, and get defeated each time. As it got knocked down for the fourth time, she turned to Oliver.

“Am I crazy, or is that the same Spinda that keeps fighting?” She was fairly sure it bore the same pattern of spots, which were unique to every Spinda.

Oliver scribbled something in a journal and nodded. “Indeed it is.”

Hana frowned, staring at the Spinda as it once again left the ring to rest. “Why do you think it keeps fighting? Doesn’t it know it’s impossible for it to win?”

Oliver turned to face her, one eyebrow quirked. “Impossible?”

Hana looked away, briefly embarrassed. She’d come to learn that as easygoing as Oliver was, the one word he didn’t tolerate in his lab was ‘impossible.’ “I just mean, Spinda without a trainer are categorically weaker pokemon. Their group structure isn’t as combat centered as other pokemon so they don’t have as much experience with battle, and they lack the natural abilities of many species. I don’t see how it can ever hope to win.”

“A good observation. Much like how a Bagon might never hope to fly?”

Hana stared at Oliver. “That’s...” Not the same. She finished the sentence in her head. Spinda didn’t evolve. But Oliver knew that. He had to be getting at something else.

“The same way a trainer can carry a Slugma in their bare hands and not suffer a single burn?” Oliver smiled. “Remember, Hana. Pokemon are capable of incredible things. Who’s to say that Spinda won’t one day defeat every pokemon you see there?”

Logic. She chewed her lip. She knew better than to let a reply like that out. Logic had its limits. She’d seen that herself, when Cosmo had gone up against Brawly’s Machop. By type match-up alone, the Zigzagoon shouldn’t have stood a chance, but they had won after a heated fight. Still...

As if reading her mind, Oliver spoke again. “Let me tell you a little story. Did you ever hear of the legend of the Magikarp and the Waterfall?”

Hana shook her head.

Oliver glanced down into the valley for a moment before sitting up straight to look at her. “Here’s how it goes. There was once a great river, which at its peak lay an even greater waterfall. This waterfall was so high that no one below could glimpse its peak, for it was covered in clouds and very powerful. Rumor had it that the gods lived at the peak of this waterfall.

“Wait, where was this river?” Hana asked, puzzled. “I've never heard of a waterfall with clouds at the top-”

Oliver gave her a chiding look, then continued. “There lived in this river many water-type pokemon, the most numerous species being Magikarp; known far and wide as being weak and helpless. One Magikarp, however, was not content with his station. Deep within his heart, he longed to meet the ancient gods that supposedly lived at the top of this waterfall.

One day he declared he would climb the great waterfall, find these gods, and ask them to bless him. The other Magikarp laughed at this sentiment, but he was undeterred. So, he embarked on his journey and began to climb. At first, he made no progress, but day by day, he started to get stronger and stronger, and climb higher. A few other Magikarp even joined him.

But as days became weeks, they eventually gave up. Still the first Magikarp persevered. Up and up he swam. Other pokemon jeered at him as he climbed, taunting him and telling him he would never succeed, but he never wavered. Bird pokemon would try to attack him as he climbed, but he never ceased.

Until finally, he reached a point where the strength of the waterfall seemed so great, he couldn’t possibly go further. Until a strange light came upon him, and he found the strength to climb the last stretch.

When he arrived, nothing lay at the top. No gods, no legends, just a quiet lake. The few pokemon at the lake were surprised to see him. They congratulated him and admired him, and Magikarp realized he had changed - no longer was he a tiny fish, but a great dragon serpent.

‘You did so well to continue when everyone was mocking you,’ they told him.

The Magikarp, now in his new form, gazed at them in surprise. ‘Mocking me? I could hardly hear anything over the sound of the waterfall. I thought they were encouraging me!’

And that is how the first Gyarados came to be.”

Hana stared blankly at Oliver once he stopped. “And?”

“And? That’s all.”

“But what about the gods' blessing? Did he find them? Did he get what he was looking for? That can’t be the end of it.”

Oliver shook his head and chuckled. “I think you’re missing the point.”

“But he never found what he wanted.”

To her dismay, Oliver’s only reply was an expectant look.

Huffing, she turned back to the sparring pokemon. The fighting had begun to die down, and she suspected the gathering would break up soon. Her attention was on Oliver’s story, however. She knew asking him outright what it meant wouldn’t be much use. That was her job to figure out. Even so, she found it hard to suppress her irritation. The Magikarp never found what he was looking for on top of the waterfall, so what was the point?

“Some story, huh Cosmo?” she murmured, looking down at the Linoone. He dragged his gaze away from the sparring pokemon to regard her with a curious look. He chittered, then bobbed his head.

There’s more to it.

Hana knew Cosmo was right. But what was she missing?

xXx

That night as she cooked herself dinner, she nearly burned her stir-fry. Only Pi’s frantic squeaking alerted her to the dangerous sizzle of the pan. She snatched it off the fire and heaved a sharp sigh of relief. Still edible. “Thanks, Pi.”

As she slid the noodles onto a plate, Pi tugged on her pant leg and gave a soft squeak, tipping his head.

“I’m alright. Just thinking too much I guess.” She tried her best to push Oliver’s story out of her mind for the time being. Yet it lingered in her mind all through the night, even as she sank into her covers.

When she woke to find Raga gone and the all too familiar silhouette on the hill, she sat up in bed and watched her through the window for a minute. The image of the determined little Spinda came back to her. Fighting on despite its weakness. Like the Magikarp climbing the waterfall.

What was Raga thinking about out there? Was she reliving the fateful battle against the Mega Garchomp? Plotting strategies? But training hadn't helped. And she didn't appear to be practicing herself. She would simply sit there, every night, not moving. Why? What was she thinking about? It almost reminded her of... Something clicked. The pieces fell into place. Perhaps Raga wasn’t thinking. She was waiting.

“Waiting for me.” The words left Hana’s mouth in a whisper.

Cosmo’s eyes flashed open, glimmering in the dark. From his spot at the foot of the bed, Pi’s ears twitched and he looked up.

“I’ll be right back guys.”

She grabbed her jacket and boots and ran outside, ignoring the way the ashen wind stung her face. Raga turned to watch her as she climbed the hill and stood next to her. Resting her hand against the smooth scales of Raga's neck, she turned to stare up at the sky.

Now that she’d mulled it over, she thought she understood what Oliver was saying. The story was about what the Magikarp thought. After all, because Magikarp thought it was hearing praise it managed to climb the waterfall. Even if it was just a little fable, Raga needed to see she cared. Maybe she just needed someone to indulge her.

When she spoke, she carefully pieced her words together. She needed Raga to believe her. “Okay Raga. Maybe it is impossible. Maybe people are right when they say Flygonite doesn't exist. And even if we looked for it, we might not find it.” She let out a slow breath and looked into Raga’s eyes. “But... I’ll help you look anyway.”

Spoiler: A/N

Chapter edited as of Mar 14th, 2023.

Hana is nearing about 15 right now. She lives in a temporary housing with other lab interns, provided by the lab. This detail has been added.

The fable Oliver tells her has been changed from 'The Magikarp in the Well' to one more closely resembling the tale of Koi fish climbing to become dragons.

The ending paragraphs have been edited slightly to clarify and hint at Hana's goal.

 

[Pen]

Hey Tetra! Obviously I'm quite familiar with the content of this chapter, but I thought I'd give you some bigger picture impressions.

As I said, I think you made an effective choice to begin a week after the fateful battle, rather than with the battle itself. It's been long enough for the problem to solidify. The first chapter gives us the lead-up to Hana making a choice--to pursue what may be impossible, because it means something to Raga. The parallelism between the first and last scene does a nice job conveying the internal shift that's taken place in the chapter.

Hana's not a super defined protagonist yet, but you portray her most relevant traits: that she's somewhat skeptical by nature, and that she cares a lot about Raga. As we continue, it will be interesting to get a sense of what else influences or motivates her. The additions you made definitely help give a sense that she's there to do a job, but it's definitely something to continue to push on--the kind of person who goes into research is interested in the natural world, in understanding why things work, and that kind of thing should bleed into the POV.

A big question in this story seems to be about strength and identity. Both the magikarp story and the spinda moment are about persistence and not giving up despite what the world tells you. But neither gives insight into the central problem: why is Raga so fixated on mega evolution? Is it about being able to win battles, or something else? I noticed that we never learn in this first chapter what the garchomp trainer actually said. I feel like it will be significant when we do learn what those words were. I kind of hope we get Raga POV next chapter, since the story is about their partnership, and there are limits to the insight we can glean from Hana's perspective alone.

Good luck with next chapter; you've got a solid start here!

 

[Nubushi]

Hello, I'm here from the Review Blitz.

Right off the bat, I love the way you establish the atmosphere in the opening few paragraphs! The first three paragraphs are all great, but especially this one:

When Hana had first come to Fallarbor Town, she’d spent a full five minutes just staring at the ash falling from the sky, entranced. Raga had been a vibrava then and had immediately taken to swooping and diving about, batting the ash into clouds, until she slipped into a sneezing fit.

This is really lovely--and so many things are being communicated here, from the atmosphere of Fallarbor Town, the feeling of wonder that it inspires in Hana, and the delight of Raga playfully swooping around in the ash.

I also notice that in these first few paragraphs, you establish the conflict, the sense that something is wrong, right away. The opening paragraph is an important image for the chapter as a whole, and the central problem, so to speak (though the fact that Raga standing outside is a manifestation of her unhappiness doesn't really become clear until para. 4-5).

The flygon’s eyes caught shards of moonlight. Soot had gathered between her wings and on her head. She hadn’t moved in some time.

This is also some really fantastic imagery. Overall, you have some really fantastic sensory details throughout this chapter that make it a delight to read, and also do a great job of establishing characterization (both of humans and pokemon) through a variety of methods--actions, in particular--rather than relying on telling the reader what they are like, or on visual descriptions alone.

You also have, throughout this chapter, a lot of great sensory words that evoke what the pokemon characters are like physically--for Raga, swooping, fluttering her wings, flicking her tail, etc.

A grin formed on the dragon’s face and she let out an excited trill.

This is one place where I did feel a little bit of a sense of incongruity. I don't think it's necessarily impossible for a dragon to grin, but it seems a little bit human-like for a pokemon with a lizard's face; I feel like for me, personally, I need just a little bit of explanation for how a dragon grins, what that looks like for a flygon specifically, so that it doesn't jump out as out of place, a human expression on a dragon face.

Other than that, I felt like the training scene was successful in conveying that sense of picking a specific skill to practice repeatedly, and getting noticeably better at it with that repeated practice.

Battling was intrinsic to pokemon’s very nature, second only to companionship.

I like that you bring this up, and actively show in your story that pokemon enjoy battling, and it's important to them. GameFreak has put some effort into putting lines into the games to make this clear (like things about how wild pokemon will train to try to make themselves stronger), so it's nice to see that acknowledged and reflected in a story. Speaking of which, the following scene with the wild pokemon battling each other was really interesting!

I also notice, as I think through this chapter again, that in terms of plot, everything flows really nicely from one thing to the next. We start with Raga's abnormal behavior and Hana's worries about her; following the brief training scene, she's hoping to talk to Oliver (and does, but she doesn't get any
immediate answers); the battles among the wild pokemon are immediately relevant to Hana and her relationship with Raga; Oliver tells her a story to help her reflect on this; she still doesn't get the whole meaning of the story, though, and has to think about what else it might mean; then we're taken to a scene that's a lot like the one at the beginning of the chapter, but now, Hana has come to that realization and knows what she has to do. That thread of Hana's worry about Raga is present there the whole time, never receding too much into the background. (For example, when she sees Shale at work, she thinks about how she and Raga used to be as close as Shale and Oliver.)

Just one minor critique, we get the name of Hana's third pokemon, Pi, but unless I missed something, I can't recall Pi being introduced, so I didn't know what to picture even for his species.

Finishing up the chapter, I was left with some lingering questions (not in a bad way, though!) Obviously, it's never possible for anyone to win all the time, so even if Hana and her team are able to find Flygonite, will that really make Raga happy again? (I wonder whether it won't turn out to be some sort of cycle like humans get caught in a lot, thinking they'll be happy when they reach the next goal, but then finding that achieving it doesn't bring them the happiness they thought it would.) It seems like there might be some truth in Hana's opinion, that Hana isn't lacking anything the way that she is. But the thrust of the story seems to suggest otherwise, that there's something important to Raga about striving to find that Flygonite.

Well, in this one chapter, Hana had to do some searching and reflection in order to find the answer she was looking for, and it wasn't an easy or pat answer, so I'm interested to see where you go with this! Overall, it was a delightful read that covered just the right amount of ground for one chapter. Looking forward to reading more!

P.S. I also really enjoyed looking at both of the works of fan art! It was interesting to see the progression from the younger-looking drawn by Cress to the older, more confident one by Hawkosa!

 

[Flaze]

Finally I get to read a story of yours from the start, hopefully I don't miss out and end up 20 chapters behind.

Anyways, right away I really like how this story starts and I think that it gives off a very different vibe from Legendary Adventures. It feels like this story will be a lot more character-focused and will explore Hana's and Raga's relationship, something that I'm all here for since I think your human and pokemon relationships can be really well done.

Another thing I noticed was a shift towards a more compact, short form prose, one that focuses more on establishing a consistent flow. I think it's, at least in my opinion, a good improvement as pacing and flow problems were some of the things that plagued the chapters I read of Legendary Adventures. With it also comes some more vivid description as well as character movement and introspection, some of my fave being scenes like the one with the spinda fighting against the other pokemon and how you highlight the different movement each pokemon makes or the way Hana goes about her routine, it really helps in selling your characters with more than just the prose.

On the subject of the story itself, the premise actually reminds me a bit of canisaries' Dragony in that both stories revolve around a pokemon trying to attain something that, at least canonically, doesn't exist. Here Raga's struggle is more as a matter of strength, at this point Raga's nearing her full potential as a pokemon which will in turn make it harder for her to compete against those that have access to a higher stage such as mega evolution. I think it's an interesting setup, particularly because you highlight the fact that Hana is growing up and has moved on from battling and the like, whereas it seems like Raga's still very much about that life. So I'm wondering how their lives will be affected by this turn of events.

What I do think you can improve on is this chapter is maybe try and give us some more details on Hana's and Raga's past. What made her want to join the research center? How far did she get in her journey? Maybe some more detail on her relationship with her other pokemon would be nice since right now it seems like they're kind of in the periphery when compared to Raga. I mean that's fine, and Raga is Hana's main pokemon, but since she's got four of them (I assume the milotic is hers) it'd be nice to see the others also get some attention.

Now for some highlights from the first chapter.

For a moment, Raga stilled, her chest barely even moving. She was thinking. Weighing her frustration and instincts against her better judgment. Letting out one last huff, Raga turned and dipped her head in assent.

This is part of the character acting I was referring to, while it's mainly telling it still gives us a good idea of Raga's personality and how she's really pensive and careful yet also kind of mysterious and hard to figure out.

Darn that trainer and his Garchomp. Everything was fine until he showed up.

I got some dissonance when I read this because the first sentence seems to be in Hana's thoughts or something, but the second sentence is just fine. To add to that since the first sentence doesn't really read any different to the second it's a bit hard to know why it's particularly highlighted.

Also it'll be interesting to know more about this trainer and garchomp! Maybe in later chapters or maybe you can expand on it a bit here.

“Gonna hang in your pokeball today, huh?” Hana kept her voice light, but she couldn’t help furrowing her brow. Raga usually loved hanging out with her in the labs while she worked or did field experiments.

Is the lab really so big that Hana can afford to have a flygon out and about?

When they lost to Winona twice, Raga had simply thrown herself into training until they won. What made this any different?

Originally when I read this I'd thought that Raga's deal was that she felt like she'd peaked in a way. Fighting against normal pokemon it's easy to just keep training and get stronger, but mega evolution is something that actively removes a pokemon's limits and it's a level of strength that you can't attain by just training. So I thought that maybe she was in the dumps about that.

Hana leaned forward as the two pokemon locked claws, moving as if in some kind of elaborate dance. There was something about wild pokemon battles that gave her a sense of awe. There was no tactics or fancy strategy, just attacks and counter-attacks. She almost forgot to do the very job she’d been brought for - recording the battles, and what techniques the wild pokemon could use.

While I really like this description and how it tries to shed more light on the differences between trainer battles and battles between wild pokemon. I do think there's a bit of a contradiction when you say that it looks like an elaborate dance but then say that it's just a series of attacks and counter-attacks. The first sentence gives me the feeling of something more fluid, that looks as if it's been choreographed, while the second gives me the idea of something messier and more down to pure instinct.

As if reading her mind, Oliver spoke again. “Let me tell you a little story. Did you ever hear of the Magikarp in the well?”

I feel like I'd read about that story before.

She carefully pieced her next words together. “Maybe it is impossible. Maybe people are right when they say Flygonite don’t exist. And even if we looked for it, we might not find it.” She let out a slow breath and looked into Raga’s eyes. “But... we can try.”

I like the place where the chapter leaves off. But I'll say that maybe Hana arrives at her answer a little too late. With everything going on I'd thought there'd be a little more pondering on her part in regards to Raga, maybe she'd try to have a deeper conversation with her to get to the bottom of her problems. As it is, the conclusion still works, but maybe expanding on the lead up towards the end would help as well.

 

[Sinderella]

Hey hey! I'm finally getting around to reading this and returning the favor for your kind review!

I really love how this story is starting. My hopeless romantic butt is always reading romantic relationship fics, so I don't normally get around to reading trainer/pokemon bond fics. That being said, I'm glad I started on this one, because it already seems like it's going to be so cute, so wholesome, and all around wonderful. And I'm all for that stuff. I'm eager to see how Hana and Raga go about their adventure as they hunt for Flygonite...and I really hope they succeed! You already have me rooting for them!

I'm enjoying how this chapter begins after this seemingly devastating battle. All the allusion to it is really leaving me wondering what exactly happened, what the trainer said about Raga, and what led up to it...and I'm perfectly okay with that. You honestly give enough hints toward it to where I get a gist of why it's bothering Raga so much--clearly, it wants to be able to mega evolve, just like the Garchomp apparently had, which won it the battle. Maybe we'll eventually revisit this particular trainer, and Raga will get to show what she's truly made of, and get the redemption she deserves!

That being said, I am really interested in seeing why Raga really wants to mega evolve. Is it to become stronger? Is there something else on her mind? I'm sure it will have something to do with the Magikarp story, or The Little Spinda That Could (TM). All in all, a lot of good buildup here, and I'm excited to see how it pans out in future chapters!

Where I do think the chapter needs some work lies in some technical aspects. This might be a little nitpick-y, but I noticed you tend to repeat a lot in the exposition. You also had the tendency to repeat names a lot, in a sense of "Raga did this, then Raga did that. Then, Raga went here." I would just recommend possibly spacing out phrase and name usage, so the constant repetition doesn't bog down your writing. There were also some punctuation mistakes here and there, which are of course easy fixes!

I also think the ending was a tad bit rushed. I sort of wanted to see Hana go through a bit more of a thought process as she figured out what Raga was truly doing out on the hill. What specifically clicked? What specific pieces fell into place? I would have liked to have seen this fleshed out a little more, and I think it'd give a lot more meat to this chapter!

Really good foundation for a great story to come! Good job!

Spoiler: Line-by-Lines

“There was nothing you could have done to win. And you’re still my favorite dragon, no matter what that guy said.”

Oh no, wtf did he say???

For a moment, Raga stilled, her chest barely even moving. She was thinking. Weighing her frustration and instincts against her better judgment. Letting out one last huff, Raga turned and dipped her head in assent.

I think here, you didn't need to mention Raga's name again. Writing "Letting out one last huff, she turned and dipped her head in assent" would have sufficed.

Darn that trainer and his Garchomp. Everything was fine until he showed up.

Oh, I do want to see what happened in this battle at some point!

A moment later the linoone was fast asleep again. A few moments after that, Hana had joined him.

This came off as wordy. I would suggest something like "A moment later the linoone was fast asleep again. Hana soon joined him."

She’d told him he could stay in bed, but he’d insisted on coming--only to immediately fall asleep anyway

Love this lazy characterization for Cosmo.

As Raga landed beside her and gave her a triumphant nuzzle, Hana pulled out her phone. 6:37am. Plenty of time to get in more training before she had to report to the lab.

She looked back to Raga. “Alright, this time we’re gonna focus on compacting that energy quicker, got it?”

Raga nodded. Fluttering her wings, she rose into the sky once more.

“Now Raga!” Hana called with a smile. Just before Raga gathered the energy again, she caught the faintest glimpse of a smile cross the dragon's face. Then she unleashed another powerful Dragon Pulse, annihilating the boulder completely.

This is probably very nitpick-y and even a matter of preference, but there's so many uses of Raga here. I'd keep the first one, and third one, then rewrite around the rest. Maybe Hana doesn't need to say "Now Raga!" and can just say "Now!"

One brisk walk later, Hana found herself outside Fallarbor Labs.

Two hours later, Hana found herself perched on a ridge overlooking a steep valley

Hana found herself holding her breath.

Just a lot of use of "found herself," maybe try rewriting around this?

Sunlight, refracted among the glass panes ahead, lit up the area like a sunny day attack.

Smooth as pecha syrup, she slid back into the water, vanishing again.

Your SIMILES are a chefs kiss. 10/10 stars on Yelp.

The milotic emerged from the lake and slithered onto land, crooning in delight. She flopped on the sand, exposing her belly. Hana took the hint, and began to scratch under Laguna’s chin. Her scales were silky smooth.

Bold sentence can be rewritten without the use of Laguna's name. We know it's Laguna!

Hana waited until they had wrapped up, then waved.“Oliver!” she called out.

Space there!

No wonder he was the lead researcher at Fallarbor Labs.

A little repetitive, as we know she's in Fallarbor Labs. Just saying "No wonder he was the lead researcher" would be plenty to get the point across.

Hana tipped her head up slightly to look him in the eyes. “Good!” she said, trying to match his cheer. How’s Shale doing?”

Need a quotation mark here!

Hana stared at Oliver. “That’s...” Not the same. She finished the sentence in her head. Spinda didn’t evolve. But Oliver knew that. He had to be getting at something else.

I think "Not the same" should be italicized to denote her thought.

“The same way a trainer can carry a slugma in their bare hands and not suffer a single burn?” Oliver smiled. “Remember, Hana. Pokemon are capable of incredible things. Who’s to say that spinda won’t one day defeat every pokemon you see there?”

Oliver spitting facts!

“Here’s the idea. There were once two magikarp who were jumping about, only to end up in a deep well. Several pokemon passed by the well, but when they saw how deep the well was, they declared the two magikarp would never escape. It was impossible. Still, the magikarp tried to jump anyway. The well was indeed deep however.

The other pokemon began to yell: “Give up, you’ll never escape!”

Still, the two magikarp jumped. But as the other pokemon continued to yell, one of the magikarp took their words to heart, and decided it was hopeless.

The other Magikarp however, jumped and jumped, never heeding their cries. And then with a last great cry, he sprang free of the well. The other pokemon were stunned. “Didn’t you hear our words?” they asked.

The Magikarp answered, “I’m deaf as a zubat is blind. But I could tell you were shouting to me. Thank you for the encouragement!”

So the punctuation here threw me off to this whole portion, as it took me a second to realize Oliver was saying all of this as dialogue. For somebody speaking and recounting dialogue, I would recommend using apostrophes ( ' ) in place of quotation marks, like so:

“Here’s the idea. There were once two magikarp who were jumping about, only to end up in a deep well. Several pokemon passed by the well, but when they saw how deep the well was, they declared the two magikarp would never escape. It was impossible. Still, the magikarp tried to jump anyway. The well was indeed deep however.

The other pokemon began to yell: 'Give up, you’ll never escape!'

Still, the two magikarp jumped. But as the other pokemon continued to yell, one of the magikarp took their words to heart, and decided it was hopeless.

The other Magikarp however, jumped and jumped, never heeding their cries. And then with a last great cry, he sprang free of the well. The other pokemon were stunned. 'Didn’t you hear our words?' they asked.

The Magikarp answered, 'I’m deaf as a zubat is blind. But I could tell you were shouting to me. Thank you for the encouragement!'"

Then end the quote with another quotation mark, to mark the end of the speech.

Hana stared blankly at Oliver once he stopped. “How would the Magikarp reply to the other pokemon if it was deaf?”

So we don't know Hana that well, but this little line here did a lot for her characterization. She seems to take things a little too seriously, huh?

When she woke to find Raga gone and the all too familiar silhouette on the hill, she sat up in bed and watched him through the window for a minute. The image of the determined little spinda came back to her. Fighting on despite its weakness. Like the magikarp in the well.

What was Raga thinking about out there? Was she reliving the fateful battle against the Mega Garchomp? Plotting strategies? Or... Something clicked. The pieces fell into place. Raga wasn’t thinking. She was waiting.

“Waiting for me.” The words left Hana’s mouth in a whisper.

What clicked? What pieces fell into place? I would like to see this expanded upon!

She carefully pieced her next words together. “Maybe it is impossible. Maybe people are right when they say Flygonite don’t exist. And even if we looked for it, we might not find it.” She let out a slow breath and looked into Raga’s eyes. “But... we can try.”

This was a really good ending! Nice quote to leave off on!

 

[Navar]

Decided to read your other story, the fact it has Hoenn in its name makes me go “Hmmm”, considering Hoenn is my favorite region, so reading stuff about it is always exciting for me. Anyway, I’m gonna do this now.

I think I got invested right when I read the premise. So here we have a trainer from Hoenn who has a Flyg. Said Flygon wants to mega evolve, but no Flygonite exists(Curse you, Gamefreak!), so all they gotta do is train, and train, and train more. That’s actually pretty clever, a story that tells you shouldn’t give up on your dreams, even if they seem impossible at first.

Hana here is a compelling protagonist. She wants to help her Flygon, but she’s too logical to do that. It sets up a good conflict: what will happen next? Will Raga achieve her dream? You haven’t really shown the answer during this first chapter, but that’s fine, it worked and it’s not by any means a criticism, I’m terrible at that anyway.

The tale about Magikarp was a good example of how this story will go. Hana needs to trust her friend, even if it feels like what Raga wants it’s… well, impossible. The thing is that Pokémon is very much a magical franchise, so things won’t always work like logic says so(I mean, there’s no animals that can breathe fire), so we have a duo of “dreamer” and “logical” that can really work off each other. I’m pleased, keep up the good work on this one as well.

 

[kintsugi]

hiya Tetra, here for your review blitz prize!

As a first chapter this sets up a quieter conflict, and I think it's a really fun one to explore in the context of literal manifestations of strength. Raga and Hana aren't on the same page here, which means that even if they do find a Flygonite their deeper problems won't be solved--it's a nice way to set up a physical/literal conflict that directly parallels their emotional conflict. Will mega evolution save the day at the very last minute, or will the real mega evolution be the friends we made along the way, or both?

I like how you set up the parallel reactions to this battle loss here. Self-care isn't always about looking away from the hard things in life, quietly insulating yourself from the things that hurt you--sometimes it means looking yourself in the eye and acknowledging that things have to change. That's a powerful sentiment, and one that I don't think Hana's ready to hear, or that Hana's understanding that Raga's ready to hear. For Hana, who's able to define her life around other things such as her research position, it's a lot easier for her to shrug her shoulders and say 'oops, wasn't good enough'. But what other option does Raga really have here? It's not like Fallarbor labs is accepting flygon interns, even if that was what she wanted.

I see some parallel themes from LA coming up here, mostly around the idea that some pokemon aren't inherently stronger than others. I like the way you frame it differently in this story, though--we see the opposite idea from Hana's point of view, with this sort of softer, unintentionally condescending "you're beautiful but also you're going to be stuck in that well forever"--it gives a more clear picture of what a pokemon traditionally viewed as "weak" might want to fight against, and we get to see how this mindset affects the pokemon as well as the humans. I find that this kind of character setup makes it a lot easier to engage with these ideas directly--now, the questions of "are some pokemon inherently weaker than others?" and "what is strength?" are questions that Hana has to grapple with herself because she doesn't know, rather than questions that she's already answered.

The worldbuilding in this one is a lot more subtle, and I think it works really well! The wild pokemon fight club gives grounding to Raga's own aspirations (and conveys it in a way that lets both Hana and the audience get a bit more insight into how Raga might be feeling without asking her directly; little details like Pi jumping into clouds of ash make Fallarbor town feel a little more real. I also liked the friendly greetings in the lab; I think it does a great job of showing that Hana does try to understand pokemon, it's just that she and Raga are having a bit of a rough patch.

I thought it was interesting that Hana solves her own problem so quickly here. I like the realization sequence at the end, and how she finally pieces together why Raga's waiting on the hill, but where does it go now? It's a big gap from understanding what your friend wants to being able to actually help them with it, but I'm curious where they'll end up going, if Hana's brief glimpse into Raga's actions here will be enough to bridge the gap altogether or if there's still learning. Persistence in the face of adversity is a theme here, but I ultimately wonder what the two of them will choose to persist for--tying back into those deeper questions of what is power, what is strength, what is success in a world that has fairly tangible metaphorical representations of all three?

Overall, a really fun first chapter. Also, the art is sick.
some line edits below:

Spoiler: line-by-lines

Hana has never been interested in pursuing impossible things, but when her Flygon sets its sights on mega evolution

This isn't anything hard-and-fast grammatically, but I find the "it" jarring in stories where pokemon have personhood. Especially since the context of the first chapter makes it clear that Hana doesn't think of Raga as an "it"--so who is? And at the same time I know you're dancing really hard around the her/her pronoun game + the 385 character FFN summary game, a struggle that I empathize deeply with lol. I think you could maybe cut some words in the final sentence--"will they prevail / will they do the opposite of prevailing" sort of poses its own dichotomy without you needing to have both. Maybe rephrase to:
>There's no such thing as a Flygonite. Or so they say. Hana has never been interested in pursuing impossible things, but when her Flygon Raga sets her sights on mega evolution, Hana is compelled to pursue the impossible[*]. But the journey to mega evolution isn't easy, and their relationship will be tested in unexpected ways. Will the bonds between human and pokemon prevail?
[*]mixed feelings on "pursuing impossible"/"pursue the impossible"--it's a definite theme in this first chapter, but the repetition doesn't really land for me here.

Ash fluttered from the skies

omg! you didn't tell me this was an Ash!winged!fic

She fluttered her wings rapidly, shaking the ash from her body.

the ash/fluttered repetition in the early paragraphs stuck out a bit--I'd probably keep one or the other, or swap verbs around so that they're paired differently.

a flygon

later a Milotic

The capitalization debate in this fandom is immense and I usually don't care enough to pick a side when reviewing anyone's work, but--I think it helps to be consistent within the story. Not sure which one you prefer, but it was a bit jarring to see the flips back and forth.

Raga had been a vibrava then and had immediately taken to swooping and diving about, batting the ash into clouds, until she slipped into a sneezing fit.

This is a really cute mental image! In general I think you use the scene-setting with the pokemon really effectively in this chapter--it feels like they're doing their own little things apart from their trainers, which I appreciate.

Hana had laughed at the sight, and Raga laughed with her.

Do ... do flygon laugh? There was this and another line where Raga grins that I struggled to wrap my head around. One of the things that you portray really well in this chapter is the various ways that different humans and different pokemon can look at the same thing to reach different conclusions--I think their body language could be a neat way to do the reverse of this, where humans/pokemons do different things to reach the same conclusion. Maybe humans laugh/grin, but when flygon are happy their antennae twitch at a specific frequency, or they buzz their wings in a certain way.

Back then, Raga had been happy. Even when she put aside her badge quest to join the research lab, she’d been happy.

the notorious her/her pronoun game--usually subjective "her" defaults to the last named person who uses "her", so this looks like Raga's the one putting aside her badge quest for the research lab (which I don't think is the case, but maybe!). Maybe rephrase to:
> Back then, Raga had been happy. Even when Hana put aside her badge quest to join the research lab, Raga had been happy.

Soot had gathered between her wings and on her head. She hadn’t moved in some time.

This was a neat detail!

Even though it had been two weeks since Raga’s evolution, she still wasn’t used to being able to look up to her.

more her/her games:
> Even though it had been two weeks since Raga's evolution, Hana still wasn't used to being able to look up to her.

“There was nothing you could have done to win. And you’re still my favorite dragon, no matter what that guy said.”

I thought this was interesting--what does the guy say that would prompt Raga to think that she's not Hana's "favorite dragon"? Like, oh, I see you think rayquaza has prettier eyes or he implies Hana has a secret second flygon or something? I wonder if perhaps Hana's misinterpreting what he said here, since I'm struggling to think of any sort of post-battle conversation that would logically result in this conclusion--which would make sense, since Hana's misinterpreting a lot in this chapter.

It was their fault Raga had been in a funk all week, despite all of Hana’s attempts to console her. Even after evolving, Raga had still lost the battle. All because of the newly discovered bane of Raga’s existence, mega evolution. If only she could go back and decline that battle, everything could go back to normal.

I thought it was an interesting choice to refer to mega evolution specifically as the bane of Raga's existence--that's a strong statement coming from Hana and presuming that Raga thinks, although I can see how Hana reached that conclusion.

Some dedicated training would cheer Raga up, and then everything could go back to normal.

this is fine everything is fine (TM)

She’d told him he could stay in bed, but he’d insisted on coming--only to immediately fall asleep anyway.

awww! cutie!

Every now and then, Hana caught sight of a flash of red as her Plusle pounced from dust heap to dust heap.

Pi seems to show up a bit out of nowhere here--I dunno if you actually need him in this chapter, or if it would help to give him a bit more of an in introduction earlier. Either works, but as it is now I had to go back and check if he'd been mentioned before this at all.

“Think of it like ... a snowball. Remember that research trip we took to Sinnoh? If you press all that energy together you make it a lot stronger than just throwing some out there.”

(in all seriousness I do like scenes like these--it's a lot of fun to show how different characters view the world, and how they see concepts that are foreign to them but may be deeply intrinsic to another.)

“Now Raga!”

> "Now, Raga!"

One brisk walk later, Hana found herself outside Fallarbor Labs. Cosmo and Pi had already opted for the comfort of their pokeballs. Only Raga remained out.

I thought the order here was a little strange: do they go into their pokeballs before or after the trek? I think if you meant before, it'd be more clear as:
> Hana glanced at her watch. She had to be in the lab in ten minutes, and she didn't particularly relish the idea of a brisk walk through ankle-deep ash. After a quick poll of her team, Cosmo and Pi shared that sentiment, and opted for the comfort of their pokeballs. Only Raga remained out, and the two of them trekked silently to Fallarbor Labs together.

Sunlight, refracted among the glass panes ahead, lit up the area like a sunny day attack.

This one is a purely stylistic/personal change, but I think "lighting" would read better than "lit" here

An armaldo trundled up to her, clicking a greeting. Hana waved. “Hello, Shale!”

I thought this was a great example of pokemon having their own ways of greetings/joy (compared to the flygon grin/laughter earlier).

The armaldo rarely strayed far from its trainer.

I'd maybe have the "his/her" instead of "it" here, since Hana addresses the armaldo by name.

“I’m trying, though. We get up early to train together. She just has to accept she’s fine the way she is.”

oh hey it's the crux of the character drama!

He paused, then frowned, cocking his head to peer at her. “You appear troubled,” he mused.

I rarely say this but I think there are too many verbs strung up here--it feels very staccato an ineffective, when in the moment I think it happens very quickly.

then waved.“Oliver!” she called out.

dropped a space

There were Graveler, Zangoose, Nuzleaf, Machoke and many other species present. There were even a few Spinda.

observations about the different species present.

than the other zangoose present.

I thought the fight club scene was really fun, but there is this weird thing where each paragraph ends with "species present" and that stackup was kind of weird

the very job she’d been brought for - recording the battles

-- or — instead of the - here. Seems like you've caught the rest so I won't wax eloquent on em dashes vs hyphens this message was paid for by the em dash lobby

Without a trainer, one stood little chance against a zangoose, a species that fought regularly as a pack.

I wasn't sure why "fights as a pack" is the tipping factor for Hana here--surely that would suggest that zangoose are actually less prepared to fight 1v1? Maybe something like "fought/sparred regularly within their pack" or "preferred to fight as a pack, but when pushed, excelled at hunting alone"

the zangoose dipped its head, a smile tugging at the corners of its lips.

She smiled, recognizing its body language.

It felt strange to call out that Hana recognizes the zangoose's body language--smiling is something that she regularly does and is actively doing in this very second. It doesn't really feel like a stretch for her to recognize that smile=impressed. This line would feel more impactful if the zangoose's body language was something atypical to humans but typical to zangoose--something that Hana, as a researcher in this area, might have experience/familiarity with but that a random human might not.

“A good observation. Much like how a bagon might never hope to fly?”

Oliver is a good PI and I like him lol

Hana stared blankly at Oliver once he stopped. “How would the Magikarp reply to the other pokemon if it was deaf?”

Oliver shook his head and chuckled. “I think you’re missing the point.”

I was curious when you mentioned this in the Discord how you'd incorporate the "how did the magikarp answer a question it couldn't hear?", and I like the solution here. Myths are silly. Vague applications of generic advice to life can also be silly.

That night as she cooked herself dinner, she nearly burned her stir-fry. Only Pi’s frantic squeaking alerted her to the dangerous sizzle of the pan. She snatched it off the fire and heaved a sharp sigh of relief.

The use of "fire" evokes like, hearths/campfires for me--does she not have a stove? Silly questions haha.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Flygon-centric fic. Obviously this makes it the best. Just kidding, but I do love the concept, as someone fond of flygon and also on the 'why no mega' wagon.

I said when you gave me a little preview of the opening that:

i think your prose needs to be more efficient about the use of pronouns and epithets by a touch, but it's charming and it hits a lot of the buttons i'm punching when i write Laura​

it also gives me all the info i need about the shape of the narrative​

in a package i quite enjoy​

I think that all still tracks, though I don't find the pronouns and epithets as jarring. Did you edit them?

Anyway, I love very much that Hana reassures Raga that she's still her favourite dragon, which is really cute. It's also cute that stuck without an obvious solution to the insecurity, she wishes she could have declined that battle, as if she could possibly have known it was gonna go so wrong.

The training sequence is pretty good! Not super tight, but I like that it exists, and I like the cute names Pi and Cosmo.

Raga gave a low rumble, tipping her head and flicking her tail. Pokeball.

Is that fucking pokésign. NICE.

Also, more seriously, I love that Raga voluntarily asks to be recalled. I don't see that often, and it's great for personal reasons to do with my feelings on worldbuilding and lore and the franchise and fandom trope history.

There's a lot I love about this lab scene. Hana talking to pokémon both casually and seriously, comments on the state of her relationship with Raga, and the general charming vibe. It feels really... peaceful, might be the word. There are problems, but this is a good world to exist in. I also really like 'smooth as pecha syrup' for some reason. I also like that Hana's attitude to Raga's insecurity is really wholesome in its own right, but it just happens to not be what Raga responds to. I also like Oliver! Love that little morse code click concept.

Battling was intrinsic to pokemon’s very nature, second only to companionship.

Adore this. This is 100% my own take, and I'm confident @Chibi Pika will also strongly approve for reasons.

Really enjoy the distinction between battle in the wild and as a combat sport, and the way it does double duty as worldbuilding and characterisation. I've never imagined wild pokémon congregating for little wilderness tournies, but it's a lovely concept and I approve. Hana is a real sweetheart, but pokémon in this fic evidently have ever such strong fighting spirit. Hana, you lovely! Raga needs more ganbatte energy from you!

The conversation Hana has with Oliver about the spinda is really good material. The recognition of the spinda being the same individual as the reader cottons on, the different takes on it, the frustrated realisation that pokémon genuinely can overcome the raw circumstance with enough spirit.

The final scene is rather touching. I love the mood it evokes. I think you could be a bit more sparing with the dialogue and the internal monologue, since the main strength is brevity and poignancy, so don't overwork it! You also briefly refer to Raga as he/him, when elsewhere in the fic Raga is she/her. Oops. But I do love it and it really sets up the story so well! It also works as a lovely little standalone narrative, honestly. Great 'pilot episode' you got here! Excited to see you keep this up, mate!

 

[kyeugh]

hey! looks like this fic is getting a lot of attention today, guess i'll pile on. 😁 i've never read any of your work before, so this seemed like a nice place to dig in! love the cover art btw.

chapter 1

fun little introduction! i really like the main plot thread you build up to here, that being the search for flygonite. definitely plenty of opportunities for character growth and other fun shenanigans with an open-ended goal like that. i also enjoy that i have legitimately no expectation as to whether they'll achieve it or not—in a lot of fics, the main goal feels somewhat inevitable once it comes into view, but who knows here? i don't expect the moral of the story will be that you need a magic rock to find your inner strength, but at the same time, maybe they'll find it anyway just because it's cool, hahaha. i'm very here for either outcome!

the beginning scene was very vivid. i'm not familiar with the setting but i thought the falling ash matched raga's emotional state very well, and i like how you integrated it in small ways—the deposits on raga's back as she stood still, the piles that the plusle hops between. definitely pulled me into the scene and made it feel real.

i think your love for flygon definitely shows through in this story. even though the narrator is a trainer, raga feels like the star of the show. so expressive, and we get a strong picture of her personal philosophy and desires. on that note, i did find hana herself a little flat—she doesn't seem to have any desires or motivations of her own outside of appeasing her pokémon. her research is really interesting; i think you could capitalize on that to give her a stronger sense of character.

oliver is fun, love how snappy his dialogue is. definitely interesting how he seems to be a researcher but at the same time believes so much in strength and success against logic. those two qualities are ostensibly opposites but they don't feel incongruous here. i also found the research pretty interesting, and the whole fight club thing the pokémon had going on was funny. i kind of wish there was a little more context there—let hana talk about her research a little bit! it would really ground the scene and add something for hana herself too.

i did get tripped up on some grammatical/mechanical stuff from time to time. i go over a few things in my line comments below. in general i think there are some sentences that should be two, some pairs of sentences that could be one, some clunky wording in places... it's all just little stuff, nothing egregious, but when there's a lot of little stuff it starts to pull me out of the narrative, so that's something that can always be improved.

i'm excited to see where this fic goes. it's a fun premise and it seems like something you're really excited to write about, which always makes a fic really fun to read. i'll be back for more when you post an update, thanks for sharing your story with us!

Spoiler: line comments

Raga had been a vibrava then and had immediately taken to swooping and diving about, batting the ash into clouds, until she slipped into a sneezing fit.

i think you can cut the last comma here.

The first time this had happened, Hana had dismissed it as a one-off.

i found this sort of awkward. not really clear what "this" is. maybe: The first time Hana had woken up to empty space where her Flygon had fallen asleep the night before, she'd dismissed it as a one time event. But it had continued every night for the last two weeks; she'd wake up to an empty bed, only to find Raga outside, standing in silence. Not moving, just... thinking. or something like that.

“I thought we agreed you’d stop coming out here,” she called out, only half teasing.

i think you want *we'd here, not we.

A snort, a flutter of her wings, and a flick of her tail. She was still upset.

love the body language here.

Everything was fine until he showed up.

think this ought to be "Everything was fine until he'd shown up."

Hana tromped into her house, dusting ash from her jacket before stepping aside to let Raga squeeze through the doorway.

omg, "tromped"... what a good word, never heard it before.

A few moments after that, Hana had joined him.

think you can cut "had" here. might want to specify she "joined him in slumber" or something as well.

Every now and then, Hana caught sight of a flash of red as her Plusle pounced from dust heap to dust heap.

"linoone" is lowercase a few lines back, but you capitalize plusle here.

“Gonna hang in your pokeball today, huh?” Hana kept her voice light, but she couldn’t help furrowing her brow.

i'm having a hard time imagining someone speaking lightly through a scowl like that.

An armaldo trundled up to her, clicking a greeting.

"trundled"!? you are teaching me so many fantastic words today.

Raga and me used to be like that.

i think this should be "Raga and I," right?

The armaldo’s clicks were like Morse code to Hana

unsure what the comparison to morse is meant to convey. incomprehensibility? rhythm? or are you just literally comparing it to morse without any further implication? whatever the case, i think it could be rephrased to be more clear. maybe The armaldo's clicks were as incomprehensible as Morse cod to Hana or The armaldo clicked its scythes with the same jumpy rhythm as Morse code or The armaldo clicked in Morse, etc. etc.

Logic. She chewed her lip. She knew better than to let a reply like that out.

lmao, she kinda do be having a point though. side note, i'd probably italicize "Logic" there to make it clear it was an internal answer to his question.

Hana stared blankly at Oliver once he stopped. “How would the Magikarp reply to the other pokemon if it was deaf?”

Oliver shook his head and chuckled. “I think you’re missing the point.”

lol, i remember someone asking this in chat. love that you've put it in the story. cheeky.

 

[Flyg0n]

Chapter 2: Elegos
(Greek: poem or song of lament)

[Art credit: chibipika]

​

Spoiler: Author's Notes

I'd like to give special thanks to based beta HelloYellow for all her help with this chapter! And for helping with the title!!!
Now without further ado, enjoy, chapter 2!!!

"Alright, Raga! Dragonbreath!"

At the sound of her trainer's command, Raga felt the telltale surge of power within her. She fluttered her four wings, buzzing in a rapid circle around her opponent, a Garchomp. His head whipped back and forth as he tried to keep up with her rapid movements, but she remained just ahead of him.

Opening her small mouth wide, she gathered her dragon energy together, as Hana had taught her. Perhaps this would teach the brute to look down on her. Then she let loose a stream of indigo flames, bathing the Garchomp in her fury. He roared, thrashing and jerking away, but she continued her onslaught.

Behind her, she could sense Hana's drive, her determination. She could hear her cheering, urging her on. Raga's strength flared and she poured another rush of energy into the attack.

At a command from his trainer, the Garchomp's bladed arms began to glow. He raised them in front of his face, diverting the stream of fire, then lunged upward.

Dodge.

"Dodge!"

She felt Hana's command almost before she spoke it. Raga dove down at an angle, slipping under Garchomp's body. For a second, the world was blanketed in shadow as she darted underneath him. Then she emerged on the other side as Garchomp landed, a snarl in his throat.

Raga paused for a moment, wings still vibrating frantically. She drew in a few sharp breaths, glaring at Garchomp. Although she'd managed to evade the worst of his attacks so far, she could feel her energy beginning to falter.

Still, she continued to hold Garchomp's gaze, her ferocity never waning, despite the other dragons' much larger size. Oh how she hated looking up to the brute. All brawn and no elegance, touting his size like an overgrown Pignite. With a quick buzz of her wings, she rose higher into the air and glared down at him.

Her speed and maneuverability had given her the advantage over his greater power so far. If she could just hold out a little longer...

"Hang in there, Raga. Just a little more, we can do this!"

Raga's antennae twitched. She snorted lightly. Hana could be so silly sometimes. Yes, she was tiring, but she wouldn't be beaten so easily. She was Raga, the queen of the desert! Together, she and Hana were unstoppable! She let out a loud trill to reassure Hana.

As the last note of her cry faded, something inside Raga cracked. A dam opened inside her. Light flooded her vision and consumed her. Her entire body suddenly felt alive, every inch of it tingling with boundless, beautiful potential.

Power... ambition... strength. She felt her dragon instincts take hold, and she embraced them. Her new form bloomed. The light faded and her senses returned, along with a strange awareness granted by the energy of evolution. A new body, lithe and strong, one she could stand upright with. A red tinge to her eyesight, thanks to her beautiful, shimmering eye covers. Protection and beauty, all in one. Beneath the covers, her eyes widened as her mind fully caught up with the strange lightness on her back. Craning her new neck, she peered behind her, desperate to catch a glimpse of her wings.

Now she possessed two beautiful, diamond-shaped wings, broader and larger than they had been as a Vibrava. They were magnificent. She moved them experimentally. They no longer buzzed but flapped, weaving the air around them and stirring up waves of sand.

Whipping her head back, she let out a long, sonorous cry, reveling in the strange feeling of her new vocal chords. Oh, the songs she could sing now, the melodies that would belong to her. But first...

She settled her gaze on Garchomp, who was glaring at her, eyes narrowed. Pride filled her as she realized she now stood his equal, as tall as him, able to stare directly into his yellow eyes. She took him in with her newly enhanced eyesight. Every inch of his body oozed frustration and impatience- his lowered head, the subtle twitch of his tail, and his overly tensed muscles. She let out a trill, flexing her claws in a beckoning motion and lashing her new tail.

The message she sent was clear. Come get me.

"Go Raga!" Hana's elation had soared, evident in the tone of her voice. "Bug Buzz!"

The words hadn't even finished leaving her mouth before Raga drew on the strange buzz of insect energy and channeled it into a stream of crimson light. It effortlessly crashed against Garchomp, making him stagger back and drop to one knee.

"Dragonbreath!" Purple fire washed over Garchomp's stunned form.

Raga paused after a moment and sucked in a breath, taking delight in the sight of Garchomp, bent over, panting and weary, no doubt on his last legs.

This fight belonged to her now.

Garchomp raised his head and snorted, a strange throaty huff escaping his jaws. Almost like... laughter?

She narrowed her eyes, a growl rumbling in her throat. How dare he laugh at her? Defeat was imminent for him, and he found it funny?

His eyes shifted to his trainer, who nodded. In a smooth movement, the trainer brushed his hand against some kind of necklace he wore.

Light surged around the trainer and Garchomp, consuming him in a shimmering glow. Confusion flooded Raga and she backpedaled a few feet. Garchomp were apex, they couldn't change form again, just as she could not grow past her own new form! Garchomp blazed with even greater intensity. Raga stared in disbelief until the light seared her eyes and she was forced to turn away.

When the light finally faded, she looked back. No. No, this wasn't right.

Her wings failed her for a moment and she dropped to the ground, tail limp and arms hanging by her side.

Garchomp had changed. Evolved. Something that should have been impossible. He now stood bulkier, stronger, and the blades on its arms twice the size. His yellow eyes glinted with a predatory triumph, like a Meowth who had cornered a Rattata. Then he roared, a low guttural sound that sent a clear message to any dragon.

I am alpha.

Raga's heart began to race. No! This wasn't right. It wasn't right, this should be impossible. She had evolved, this was her battle, her triumph, her victory. Garchomp was cheating! She whipped around to stare at Hana, searching her trainer's gaze for some kind of explanation.

Hana's expression and body channeled 'surprise', but nowhere near the level of disbelief Raga herself felt.

"Hang in there, Raga." Hana's voice was calm, steady, but there was something else in her tone too. Fear? Nervousness? Or... lack of confidence?

Raga whirled around to face Garchomp. He stood several yards away still, blades raised, eyes locked onto her. His body was relaxed now as he awaited a command.

"Enough waiting around! Garchomp, Giga Impact."

Raga spread her wings, ready to dodge. Something slammed into her body. The breath left her lungs and the world spun as she tumbled haphazardly across the ground. She rolled several feet before she managed to gather herself and flare her wings, forcing herself to stop.

She drew in rapid breaths as her heart fluttered even faster. Garchomp snorted, clearly unimpressed. She roared back, though she couldn't summon as much moxie as she wanted. She'd barely even seen him move, only felt the impact.

The voice of Garchomp's trainer cut across the field. "Well? Gonna admire my Mega Garchomp all day or call an attack?"

"Dragonbreath!" Hana's urgent command stirred Raga to action.

She began to channel the draconic energy within her. Rage gave her extra strength, and she forced every ounce of her will into it. A swirling beam of purple energy shot at Garchomp.

A flicker of triumph began to grow in Raga. Then it was extinguished.

"Hyper Beam!"

The beam of energy erupted from his jaws and crashed into her attack. For a moment, the two forces clashed. Then gold overwhelmed purple and swallowed Raga.

A howl escaped her jaws as the force of the attack carried her off her feet. The earth bit into her back and for a moment, she found herself too stunned to move. How... how? She had just evolved! She could still feel the excess energy of evolution flowing through her and still, she wasn't enough.

"Draco Meteor!"

Garchomp's roar filled Raga's senses. She saw a golden orb arc up through the sky, then explode. Meteors rained down, far more than Raga expected. More than she'd seen from this technique.

"Fly, Raga! Fly!" Raga detected a shift in Hana's commands. Her tone had gone up an octave. Fear.

Her wings fluttered into overdrive as she dipped and weaved frantically through the hostile sky. As she tried to dodge one, another crashed down on top of her, knocking her to the ground. The ground shook as more meteors crashed around her. Hana cried out, and Raga struggled to rise.

Another meteor struck on the side, sending her to the ground again. She rolled awkwardly and tried to move again, only for a final one to smash across her body, shattering to pieces around her.

Raga snarled, her own rage building as she rose again. No, she still had more to give, she could keep going. A shadow fell across her as Garchomp drew near, his sheer bulk blocking out the sunlight.

"Dual Chop!"

Raga barely saw his blades move. She only felt the collision and loss of her strength.

"Raga."

The defeat in Hana's voice cut through Raga worse than any attack. A surge of defiance rose within her and she forced her eyes open. Hana might have given in, but she wasn't. She would never give in.

Garchomp stood over her, leering down at her, his form towering over her. He growled, low and sinister.

Get up.

Raga pushed her trembling body, willing herself to rise. To fight. To claim her rightful victory. A cry escaped her jaws.

Garchomp snarled again. Get. Up.

Raga managed to stand halfway, swaying on her feet, another growl in her throat. This is mine. I evolved for this, I can still give more-

The last of her strength slipped through her grasp, and she collapsed. She had nothing left to give.

The shadow of Garchomp moved back as he stepped away. Then he tilted his head up in triumph and roared.

xXx​

Raga stared out the window, watching the ash drift lazily through the dark sky. The steady sound of Hana's breath as she slept, which once soothed Raga, now left her feeling agitated. Hana was just sleeping-

She flicked her new tail side to side, staring at it frustratedly. Despite recovering from the battle earlier that morning, she couldn't find a comfortable position to sleep. Everything just felt wrong. She had evolved today, but she could take no joy in her new form. Finally, she stood and started toward the door. A soft squeak sounded behind her and she turned to see Pi watching her.

He cocked his head and chittered softly. Are you alright? A few stray sparks pulsed across his red cheeks. He was worried. Yet she could find no words to offer comfort. With a soft huff, she turned and left the house.

Eventually, she found herself standing on a hill outside Hana's house. The moon shone brightly overhead, illuminating the rocky landscape. In her head, the battle replayed over and over again. It should have been hers. It should have been hers. She tried to analyze it, figure out where she could have moved faster, or struck harder. But she found nothing. Her thoughts briefly traveled back to the battle, to the trainer's words to Hana afterward.

"So are you gonna admit it?" the Garchomp-trainer asked.

"Admit what?" Hana demanded.

The Garchomp-trainer folded his arms and cocked his head back, smirking. "That Garchomp are the superior dragon. They're better than Flygon in every way."

"That's not true," Hana replied, sounding more confused than angry. "They're both excellent. They both have strengths and weaknesses."

"Yeah, and some pokemon just got more weakness than strength. You want my advice? Ditch the oversized insect and get a better dragon." He paused. "A real dragon."

Raga could remember how upset Hana had been. Which made her even angrier at the Garchomp-trainer. But now that her anger had subsided, she simply felt... empty. She let herself fall still and tried to absorb the sounds of the night which she so loved.

Not so long ago, she would fly alongside Hana, or perch on her head as she walked through the night. They would listen to the various cries of the nocturnal pokemon and try to identify them, and she would mime ridiculous impressions for Hana to guess. Straining her ears, Raga tried to listen again. But she could hear no Kricketot chirps or distant barks from Mightyena. No soft calls from the Hoothoots and Noctowls.

Only Garchomp's roar of victory. She closed her eyes, only to see the searing light of his evolution, still burning behind her eyelids. Mega Evolution, Hana had called it, when Raga asked her later. It required something called a Keystone and a Mega Stone. Keystones could be wielded by any human, but pokemon required a special stone of their own. Like Garchompite.

Or a Flygonite.

In her mind's eye, she could see it, clear as the moon above. A shimmering stone hung around her neck, and one around Hana's. The light would surround her and she would become even greater. Flexing her claws, she latched onto the image. A new desire began to fill the empty void inside her.

No matter what it took, she would find a way.

A way to become complete.

 

[Flyg0n]

Review reply time!! Rounding up all of chapter 1! If I forgot anything or you have a further question, hit me up on the discord!

Two main notes! First, did you know that the image of Raga outside, waiting with ash piled on her back is based on this gorgeous fanart? (Also from Hawkosa).


Two, despite how joyful I am that everyone loved Pokemon Fight Club in the wild, I straight ripped that off from the anime lol. You can see it periodically through but the biggest one is in SM anime ep 015 'Rocking Clawmark Hill'!

Two Lycanroc, Midnight and Midday, organize a fight club for the local wild pokemon, and Ash's Rockruff is determined to get stronger.
Was a great episode imo.


Now with that settled, onto the reviews!

Spoiler: Nubushi

Hello, I'm here from the Review Blitz.

Right off the bat, I love the way you establish the atmosphere in the opening few paragraphs! The first three paragraphs are all great, but especially this one:

Thank you! I'm really glad you liked the opening. It kinda came to me in a flash once I decided Fallarbor town was where the lab was located.

Just one minor critique, we get the name of Hana's third pokemon, Pi, but unless I missed something, I can't recall Pi being introduced, so I didn't know what to picture even for his species.

Yeah I realized I kinda skipped this. Whoops! Went back and edited. Pi is her Plusle that we see early on, jumping through piles of ash.

I also took some of your other suggestions into account and tweaked the end too. Thank you!

Spoiler: Flaze

I got some dissonance when I read this because the first sentence seems to be in Hana's thoughts or something, but the second sentence is just fine. To add to that since the first sentence doesn't really read any different to the second it's a bit hard to know why it's particularly highlighted.

Also it'll be interesting to know more about this trainer and garchomp! Maybe in later chapters or maybe you can expand on it a bit here.

Yikes! Fixed that error, along with most of the others you noted. Thank you! And yeah, that should have been italicized. Fixed!.

Is the lab really so big that Hana can afford to have a flygon out and about?

I'd imagine so, tbh. Given Flygon is only 6'7 or may 7' max, I think she can fit inside most open areas in the lab. Not to mention Pokemon are fairly sentient in my take, as you can see. So they would know better than to cause a ruckus indoors. Plus, since its a dedicated Pokemon research lab I'd imagine it's designed with pokemon in mind, much like they have an onsite terrarium for the scientists pokemon. Good question tho!

Originally when I read this I'd thought that Raga's deal was that she felt like she'd peaked in a way. Fighting against normal pokemon it's easy to just keep training and get stronger, but mega evolution is something that actively removes a pokemon's limits and it's a level of strength that you can't attain by just training. So I thought that maybe she was in the dumps about that.

That's definitely a part of it! Now that chapter 2 is out, hopefully there's some even further insight, ehehehe.

While I really like this description and how it tries to shed more light on the differences between trainer battles and battles between wild pokemon. I do think there's a bit of a contradiction when you say that it looks like an elaborate dance but then say that it's just a series of attacks and counter-attacks. The first sentence gives me the feeling of something more fluid, that looks as if it's been choreographed, while the second gives me the idea of something messier and more down to pure instinct.

Yeah, I realized the two descriptions don't blend well. Thanks for pointing this out. Fixed! Hopefully this version is a little better.

Spoiler: Sinderella

I'm enjoying how this chapter begins after this seemingly devastating battle. All the allusion to it is really leaving me wondering what exactly happened, what the trainer said about Raga, and what led up to it...and I'm perfectly okay with that. You honestly give enough hints toward it to where I get a gist of why it's bothering Raga so much--clearly, it wants to be able to mega evolve, just like the Garchomp apparently had, which won it the battle. Maybe we'll eventually revisit this particular trainer, and Raga will get to show what she's truly made of, and get the redemption she deserves!

Now you have all the answers you seek! What he said, how she felt, and just why the fight sucked so much :V. Ouch.
Gambits still up if the ugly Garchomp trainer returns though.

Where I do think the chapter needs some work lies in some technical aspects. This might be a little nitpick-y, but I noticed you tend to repeat a lot in the exposition. You also had the tendency to repeat names a lot, in a sense of "Raga did this, then Raga did that. Then, Raga went here." I would just recommend possibly spacing out phrase and name usage, so the constant repetition doesn't bog down your writing. There were also some punctuation mistakes here and there, which are of course easy fixes!

I also think the ending was a tad bit rushed. I sort of wanted to see Hana go through a bit more of a thought process as she figured out what Raga was truly doing out on the hill. What specifically clicked? What specific pieces fell into place? I would have liked to have seen this fleshed out a little more, and I think it'd give a lot more meat to this chapter!

yes and yes, you're right! I did trim the use of Raga's name a bit, and then as you saw, I tweaked the ending to make my intent clearer.

Oh no, wtf did he say???

>:}

Love this lazy characterization for Cosmo.

That one goes straight to @Pen , actually! she added that bit and I freakin loved it.

Just a lot of use of "found herself," maybe try rewriting around this?

Eeek! Yes. Adjusted this as well, I didn't even see that. Thanks!

Your SIMILES are a chefs kiss. 10/10 stars on Yelp.

EEEEE thank you!!

Bold sentence can be rewritten without the use of Laguna's name. We know it's Laguna!

Noted!!

Thank you for all your thoughts again!

Spoiler: Kintsugi

Ahh kint, with your meaty thematic reviews! I'm really happy you're getting in on this story. Thank you for reviewing! I feel like back when I first posted LA I had no idea what to do with myself when I got reviews and I had moments where I forget what the heck I was doing with my own story lol. Anyways I digress, but I think you'll enjoy this story a lot :]

I like how you set up the parallel reactions to this battle loss here. Self-care isn't always about looking away from the hard things in life, quietly insulating yourself from the things that hurt you--sometimes it means looking yourself in the eye and acknowledging that things have to change. That's a powerful sentiment, and one that I don't think Hana's ready to hear, or that Hana's understanding that Raga's ready to hear.

You touched on such really good points. I won't spoil too much but you raise the right questions and observations. Especially about what it means to love, be content, and 'self-care'.

I see some parallel themes from LA coming up here, mostly around the idea that some pokemon aren't inherently stronger than others. I like the way you frame it differently in this story, though--we see the opposite idea from Hana's point of view, with this sort of softer, unintentionally condescending "you're beautiful but also you're going to be stuck in that well forever"--it gives a more clear picture of what a pokemon traditionally viewed as "weak" might want to fight against, and we get to see how this mindset affects the pokemon as well as the humans

Yeah, with LA's plot focused adventure and lighter themes, I feel like I wasn't as confident in what I wanted to communicate, so my intentions probably come off way clearer here (even though they're exactly the same at heart! LA was just written earlier and not as concise :/ )
I'm glad you appreciate this though, I was absolutely aiming for a different tone. And nice! pickup on the 'condescending' bit because yeah, if you think hard on it, Hana is supposed to sound a little condescending.

How would you feel if you were trying to work out and get stronger and healthier but your best friend kept saying 'thats nice but you're fine how you are?' They mean well but there's a difference - and anyways I don't want to spoil too much thematic fun stuff. Glad to see you're picking up on the subtle bits!

It's a big gap from understanding what your friend wants to being able to actually help them with it, but I'm curious where they'll end up going, if Hana's brief glimpse into Raga's actions here will be enough to bridge the gap altogether or if there's still learning.

Eeeyup! That said, I did end up changing the last paragraph or so slightly, to give a different impression. Hopefully this version is clearer. Hana is supposed to think she gets it - and she's close - but the reader is meant to say 'x to doubt'.

Thank you again for all your thoughts and observations! I think you'll enjoy chapter 2!

Spoiler: BasedJackie

AHHHH Jackie yeee! Happy to see you here, I particularly thought you'd like this fic when I was writing it.

Did you edit them?

I did! Pen helped greatly of course, and after what you said I tried to trim the fat as well. Thankies!

Is that fucking pokésign. NICE.

Also, more seriously, I love that Raga voluntarily asks to be recalled. I don't see that often, and it's great for personal reasons to do with my feelings on worldbuilding and lore and the franchise and fandom trope history.

>:]
It's actually not pokesign perse, since it doesn't exist for my HC. However Hana is particularly adept at understanding pokemon, more so than even Koa. Thanks to aura, people and pokemon can understand each other, but usually only to a degree and only with their own pokemon.

Hana is in the field of pokemon communications so there's a lot of details about body language slotted in.

And yeah I think pokemon can break out of a ball really easily if they want to but its basically like a cozy bedroom, so a lot of pokemon don't mind hanging out in the pokeballs.

There's a lot I love about this lab scene. Hana talking to pokémon both casually and seriously, comments on the state of her relationship with Raga, and the general charming vibe. It feels really... peaceful, might be the word. There are problems, but this is a good world to exist in. I also really like 'smooth as pecha syrup' for some reason. I also like that Hana's attitude to Raga's insecurity is really wholesome in its own right, but it just happens to not be what Raga responds to. I also like Oliver! Love that little morse code click concept.

Thank you! This is the exact vibe I want to give for my pokemon world. It's not perfectly perfect, but it's dang good, and a majority of people are good.
A big aspect of what this story will explore is the 'You're fine just how you are' attitude and the good and potential bad of it, and what that means for certain pokemon and their desires.

Also, so many people love Oliver?? Wow!! The morse code bit is courtesy of Pen once again, based Pen.

Adore this. This is 100% my own take, and I'm confident @Chibi Pika will also strongly approve for reasons.

PREACH IT

Seriously though I'm so glad you agree and I hardcore support this like. Pokemon love competition, whether its battles, contests or whatever.

Really enjoy the distinction between battle in the wild and as a combat sport, and the way it does double duty as worldbuilding and characterisation. I've never imagined wild pokémon congregating for little wilderness tournies, but it's a lovely concept and I approve. Hana is a real sweetheart, but pokémon in this fic evidently have ever such strong fighting spirit. Hana, you lovely! Raga needs more ganbatte energy from you!

I love how everyone keeps bringing up Pokemon fight club as something new and edgy and cool when I straight up, just ripped it the heck off from the anime, period. Anyways I'm glad you enjoyed it anyway!

You also briefly refer to Raga as he/him, when elsewhere in the fic Raga is she/her. Oops. But I do love it and it really sets up the story so well! It also works as a lovely little standalone narrative, honestly. Great 'pilot episode' you got here! Excited to see you keep this up, mate!

oof. Fixed thank you.

Thank you for your insight Jackie, hype to see you more and I hope you enjoy chap 2!!

Spoiler: Q

the deposits on raga's back as she stood still, the piles that the plusle hops between.

I'm delighted you appreciate the detail of the ash piling up cause that's based on my PFP in which I wanted to communicate the essence of sitting in one place for a long time, never moving.

on that note, i did find hana herself a little flat—she doesn't seem to have any desires or motivations of her own outside of appeasing her pokémon. her research is really interesting; i think you could capitalize on that to give her a stronger sense of character.

Yeah, I realize she is a little simplistic in chap 1. I don't have any plans atm to edit chapter 1 but I do plan on going into it more on chapter 3 hopefully!

unsure what the comparison to morse is meant to convey. incomprehensibility? rhythm? or are you just literally comparing it to morse without any further implication? whatever the case, i think it could be rephrased to be more clear.

Thank you for this! I see that's its a bit confusing so I tweaked the description. Thank you as well for your other observations, I took most of them into account!

 

[kyeugh]

2. elegos

back for catnip!

this was a fun chapter. it was cool to see the battle from raga's point of view—we kind of get hana's take on it in recollection, but this is a story that centers around (at least to some extent) raga's personal pain and feelings of inadequacy, so getting inside her head and seeing exactly how those feelings developed firsthand really was nice. really grounded the story's conflict/premise, in a way that's a bit more close and personal than hana's concern for her pokémon.

i thought the battle was really good! for me, the act of pokémon fighting isn't inherently interesting, but you did a great job keeping my attention and making this one feel engaging by tying it so deeply to raga's mental progression. if anything, the battle itself feels kind of incidental to the big things going on—raga's evolution, her self-esteem, the garchomp's swagger, etc. the battle works as a context for those big character moments, rather than the character moments happening to occur in a battle, and i think that really made the chapter shine. this is what a good battle looks like imo!

another thing that stood out to me in this chapter is the relationship between raga and hana, as well as the dynamic of the battle. hana's definitely calling the shots here, but even with that in mind, it feels like raga is in full control of the battlefield—that's a nice balance to strike! i enjoy the sort of push and pull going on with raga's perception of the battle. when she evolves and is doing well, it's her battle and her victory, but when she starts getting her ass kicked she's suddenly very conscious of disappointing hana, very attuned to the changes in her tone of voice, etc.

i was a little thrown off that we're going back in time here, and i think the fact that we already know what's going to happen and already know how raga's going to feel about it sort of take away what could otherwise be really nice suspense/tension from this chapter. as-is, once i figured out that we were looking at that battle, i knew more or less everything else that was going to happen. the ending of the last chapter definitely felt like the plot was really about to kick off, too, so it felt a little weird to come back here now. added to the fact that this chapter takes place prior to the first one chronologically as well, i wonder if it wouldn't make more sense to open with this chapter first. all the stuff in this chapter is good, it just feels misplaced... i think it's possible to arrange the events such that all the big moments—the battle, raga despairing, hana's concern, hana resolving to find flygonite—could happen without spoiling one another if ordered differently.

i'm looking forward to seeing where this fic goes. your ability to really develop your characters through battles—especially your pokémon ones—is really well-developed, so hopefully there will be more, similar scenes to come! overall it seems like we've got a solid baseline established here—hana's and raga's motivations and headspaces are both firmly established at this point. plus we've got a goal in mind! seems like things are really coming together. excited to see what happens next and where the quest for flygonite takes them.

Spoiler: line comments

Dodge.

"Dodge!"

She felt Hana's command almost before she spoke it.

this is a neat bit! very nice way of showing how in sync they are. reminds me of the in-game lines when your pokémon is acting in perfect sync with your commands.

Her entire body suddenly felt alive, as if she could feel every inch of it, yet feel nothing at all except boundless, beautiful potential.

i found this a little confusing. "it was as if she could feel every inch of her body, yet felt nothing at all"—not sure exactly how to parse that. it is a cool sequence though!

She felt her dragon instincts take hold, and she embraced it.

embraced *them, right? instincts is plural.

Oh, the songs she could sing now, the melodies that would belong to her.

nice

Every inch of his body oozed frustration and impatience- his lowered head, the subtle twitch of his tail, and his overly tensed muscles. She let out a trill, flexing her claws in a beckoning motion and lashing her new tail.

The message she sent was clear. Come get me.

nice x2

She narrowed her eyes, a growl rumbling in her throat. How dare he laugh at her? Defeat was imminent for him, and he found it funny?

Garchomp blazed with even greater intensity.

i think it would be clearer to say that the light around garchomp blazed, rather than garchomp himself.

Raga's heart began to race. No! This wasn't right. It wasn't right, this should be impossible. She had evolved, this was her battle, her triumph, her victory.

oof, yeah. that damn trainer couldn't just let her have a moment, huh. smh.

Hana's expression and body channeled 'surprise',

i think you can drop the 'quotes' here.

The breath left her lungs and the world spun as she tumbled haphazardly across the ground.

i don't think "haphazardly" quite works here.

The voice of Garchomp's trainer cut across the field. "Well? Gonna admire my Mega Garchomp all day or call an attack?"

😡

Her tone had gone up an octave. Fear.

ooh, i like this.

Hana might have given in, but she wasn't.

she *hadn't

"That's not true," Hana replied, sounding more confused than angry. "They're both excellent. They both have strengths and weaknesses."

like ice beam! 😁

In her mind's eye, she could see it, clear as the moon above. A shimmering stone hung around her neck, and one around Hana's. The light would surround her and she would become even greater. Flexing her claws, she latched onto the image. A new desire began to fill the empty void inside her.

No matter what it took, she would find a way.

A way to become complete.

hmmmm! nice ending, it's a good parallel to the ending of the last chapter.

 

[Flyg0n]

First of I want to thank you greatly for your commentary and thoughts! I really wanted to communicated the emotionality of the battle, so I'm glad to know that hit home. And thanks for those little line edits!
I'll hotfix those little errors soon.
I did want to discuss a little something though!

i was a little thrown off that we're going back in time here, and i think the fact that we already know what's going to happen and already know how raga's going to feel about it sort of take away what could otherwise be really nice suspense/tension from this chapter. as-is, once i figured out that we were looking at that battle, i knew more or less everything else that was going to happen. the ending of the last chapter definitely felt like the plot was really about to kick off, too, so it felt a little weird to come back here now. added to the fact that this chapter takes place prior to the first one chronologically as well, i wonder if it wouldn't make more sense to open with this chapter first. all the stuff in this chapter is good, it just feels misplaced... i think it's possible to arrange the events such that all the big moments—the battle, raga despairing, hana's concern, hana resolving to find flygonite—could happen without spoiling one another if ordered differently.

So I opted to open the story from Hana and Raga post battle because I feel like opening on a battle feels jarring and gives us no stakes or attachments.

Going back in time to the battle isn't supposed to be tense in terms of results, but is actually supposed to reveal the specific emotion, and that fact that seeing it from Raga's point of view is very different. Hana doesn't really get how much the battle hurt Raga. Rather, the two chapters are meant to be dual perspectives.

Hana thinks she knows Raga is sad, but by switching now to Raga for the battle I want to show her emotions, the absolute devastation, anger and discontent. So the real reveal isn't anything plot or that we don't know Raga is sad (According to Hana) but rathe the dichotomy between Hana's view of the incident and Raga's. Hana we already know kinda seems it as 'man that kinda sucked huh' while Raga.... well as you can see Raga was far more upset by this. I wanted to use the time difference to show that as well. 2 weeks later Hana is more than ready to move on, Raga is still dwelling. (As well as not seeing eye to eye anymore).

If you have a suggestion for how to communicate this or arrange this in another way to achieve that effect, I am all ears! This just seemed like the most effective way to show the stark difference.

Thank you!! Really glad you enjoyed everything. (Smh at that Garchomp trainer....)

 

[Nubushi]

I'm very happy to see another chapter of this, and also really digging Dragonfree's artwork! It really suits.

Just as a heads-up, I have not played any games newer than gen 5, so I am mostly unfamiliar with the mega evolution mechanic (I did skim the Bulbapedia article on it); please pardon any comments that might come from partial fandom-blindness.

So, this chapter does a really great job of giving Raga's POV, giving readers insight into why Raga was so upset by this particular loss. For one thing, she has a thing against the garchomp species. For another thing, she has a thing against this particular garchomp, with his infuriating arrogance and alpha-male dominance. But besides that, the fact that the garchomp beat her after she evolved (using mega evolution) was just way too frustrating and humiliating. This is supposed to be a situation where she evolves in a crisis and then is able to overcome the crisis (like in the anime/manga), but instead, the opponent also evolves. And, as she herself says, due to her having what she thought would be her victory stolen from her, she can't enjoy her new form.

I also thought it worked out really well from an organizational standpoint having this as the second chapter. In the first chapter, from Hana's POV, we don't really understand why Raga is this upset, why she isn't able to get over that one loss. Now we know. It would never have worked out going from Raga's POV to Hana's POV, because then we would have Hana puzzled and wondering over Raga's behavior which readers would already understand, and that would probably just be frustrating. But the way it is now, there's a question (Why is Raga this bothered?) to arouse curiosity, and then the explanation in the next chapter.

In my own stories, I tend to shy away from long battle scenes, worrying that they might be boring to readers, but though this chapter is mostly comprised of the battle scene, it is anything but boring! I think part of what makes it so interesting is that there's not just the physical fight going on, but there's also the story of what is going on psychologically with Raga--her perspective on the battle, the experience of evolution, her rivalry with the garchomp, and so on.

There was one thing about the battle I was skeptical about, though, which was how the garchomp used giga impact + hyper beam + draco meteor all in a row. I guess there was a pause after giga impact while Raga was stunned and Hana hadn't given her her next command. But overall, the fight seems to stick pretty close to canon media mechanics, with the trainer shouting out command names, and then the pokemon doing them (and also, the pokemon being limited to actual attacks that exist in canon). So it seemed really strange that Garchomp was able to do these two attacks one after the other without a rest (and then Draco Meteor after that). Is this an ability gained via mega evolution that I don't know about??

Not limited to the battle, I also thought this chapter did a great job of of conveying the trainer/pokemon bond, the feeling of evolution, and the feeling of adjusting to her new body, and also the body language (and verbal language!) of dominance coming from the Garchomp! The characterization of both Raga and the garchomp came through really clearly with lines like these:

She was Raga, the queen of the desert!

In particular, I liked the way that this one characterized Raga by giving us insight into how she thinks about herself.

Her entire body suddenly felt alive, every inch of it tingling with boundless, beautiful potential. Power... ambition... strength. She felt her dragon instincts take hold, and she embraced them.

Very evocative description of the feelings accompanying evolution.

The shadow of Garchomp moved back as he stepped away. Then he tilted his head up in triumph and roared.

Super-iconic image. I can't place exactly where I have seen something like this, but I feel like I've seen scenes like this, the victor roaring over its defeated opponent, multiple times. But it doesn't come across to me as cliche, but rather something that has a lot of powerful resonances.

Other than that, I had a few questions or things I was wondering about:

Out of curiosity, how is there mega evolution in Hoenn? Would you see this story as being ORAS-verse? (I guess there would be mega evolution in those games?) Or, is it a case that as time passes and new mechanics are discovered in new regions, those mechanics also spread to the other regions, too? (So, this story would happen post RSE and during or post X/Y, at a late enough date that mega evolution could spread to Hoenn?) Not that there's any need to be tied down to one particular media's universe; I am just curious.

Also, in your take on pokemon battles, do you limit pokemon's moveset to 4 moves like in the games? I noticed the Garchomp used 4 different moves, so it's another thing I was curious about.

Finally, I was also wondering about the other members of the team. This story is super-focused on Raga, so much that it seems like Hana spends all her time thinking about her. Of course it is natural she would be thinking about her a lot in this story since Raga is the one who is struggling right now (and also, Raga seems to be the ace of the team), but it makes me wonder whether Hana is able to have such close relationships with all of her pokemon, or whether she has a particularly close bond with Raga.

I am really interested to see where the story goes from here! Especially with this chapter, we as readers can really see Raga's point of view and why she wants so desperately to have this thing that will make her stronger, but the way that it's phrased, "a way to become complete," makes me worry a bit because I feel like that kind of thinking is not really psychologically healthy. It is really easy to get trapped in a cycle of thinking if you fix one more thing about yourself, then you will be happy with yourself . . . but once you fix that one thing, there's always something else that comes up that you're dissatisfied with. So there's also a need to accept yourself as you are--and grow from there if necessary. So, right now, similar to my feelings after reading the first chapter, I feel like there's some truth in both Hana's POV and Raga's.

 

[Starlight Aurate]

I see "Hoenn" and I am here.

Hi! I'm trying to get myself back into reviewing again, so I thought I'd take a look at this (largely because of the title ^_^;). I liked what I read so far of Legendary Adventures and you have incredible beta readers so things are looking good!

Beyond the sooty window panes, she could make out the silhouette of a Flygon, perched on top of the hill.

I THINK you don't need the period, since "perched on top of the hill" is not a sentence on its own.

Darn that trainer and his Garchomp. Everything was fine until he showed up.

I, too, was salty when Garchomp came in Gen IV and took away everything that made Flygon unique.

Cosmo was curled up on rock a few feet behind her. She’d told him he could stay in bed, but he’d insisted on coming--only to immediately fall asleep anyway. Every now and then, Hana caught sight of a flash of red as her Plusle, Pi, pounced from dust heap to dust heap.

I love how this girl ha all Hoenn Pokemon on her team. Hoenn FTW!

Plenty of time to get in more training before she had to report to the lab.

And Hana works in research too?? This girl is awesome!

Raga usually loved hanging out with her in the labs while she worked or did field experiments.

I think it's cute that her Flygon can hang out with her in the labs. It does make me wonder, though, what the rules and policies for those labs are. It's difficult without knowing what type of lab it is (genetics? chemistry? medical?) but I imagine that equipment could be VERY expensive and something as large as a Flygon could be a potential liability.

Halfway there, she caught snatches of conversation and odd clicking noises to her left. She turned and caught sight of Oliver, engaged in a rapid conversation with Shale. The Armaldo’s clicks were like indecipherable code to Hana, but her supervisor followed them easily.

Interesting! I have trainers and their Pokemon communicate this way, too.

Hana frowned, staring at the Spinda as it once again left the ring to rest. “Why do you think it keeps fighting? Doesn’t it know it’s impossible for it to win?”

Girl, you're trying to console your Flygon and you say something like THAT?

When she woke to find Raga gone and the all too familiar silhouette on the hill, she sat up in bed and watched him through the window for a minute.
...
Raga wasn’t thinking. She was waiting.

Raga's gender changes between these two paragraphs--you say "him" the first time and then a few sentences later, it's "she."

“Maybe it is impossible. Maybe people are right when they say Flygonite don’t exist. And even if we looked for it, we might not find it.” She let out a slow breath and looked into Raga’s eyes. “But... we can try.

That's a cute note to end on!

I think this is a nice first chapter; you definitely have a strong set of characters to begin with. I also like how each trainer can understand his or her Pokemon--it's neat to come across someone who writes this similarly to the way I do! It's nice that Hana came to understand what Raga wanted (though I wish she had been more concerned about Raga's desires in the first place). I appreciate the relationship-centric aspect of this fic; from the first chapter, I get the idea that it's more about Hana's relationship with Raga than about Raga actually becoming strong enough to beat mega Garchomp. Hoping they'll find something on their journey that solidifies their relationship!

Chapter 2

She fluttered her four wings, buzzing in a rapid circle around her opponent, a Garchomp. His head whipped back and forth as he tried to keep up with her rapid movements, but she remained just ahead of him.

Woah, Flygon have four wings???

Wait, now that I'm reading ahead, I see that this is where Raga evolved from a Vibrava. My bad, haha.

Hana might have given in, but she wasn't.

I think "wasn't" should be "hadn't."

Garchomp stood over her, leering down at her, his form towering over her.

I know the repetition of "her" might have been intentional, but it reads a little clunkily in my opnion.

The last of her strength slipped through her grasp, and she collapsed. She had nothing left to give.

The shadow of Garchomp moved back as he stepped away. Then he tilted his head up in triumph and roared.

I think you could have stopped after the first sentence. Since the chapter up to this point was from Raga's view, whose are we seeing the last two sentences from now that Raga is unconscious?

Not so long ago, she would fly alongside Hana, or perch on her head as she walked through the night. They would listen to the various cries of the nocturnal pokemon and try to identify them, and she would mime ridiculous impressions for Hana to guess. Straining her ears, Raga tried to listen again. But she could hear no Kricketot chirps or distant barks from Mightyena. No soft calls from the Hoothoots and Noctowls.

I really like all these specific memories and the parallels to today. It gives it a concrete feel and is really cute.

A way to become complete.

It's sad that she doesn't see herself as complete already :c

I really like this chapter and how it was from Raga's POV. I've always found Pokemon POV a bit trickier to do, especially if you don't have them communicate the same way that humans do. But I think you handled it really well! Raga's emotions really shine through here and you do a good job of connecting them all to her actions. Her despair at seeing Garchomp evolve (right after her evolution! ouch) was palpable.

Interesting in the shift I felt here; from Hana's point of view, it seemed to me like she was more concerned about Raga's feelings and what she could do to support her. From Raga's point of view, it seems like she's more concerned with becoming strong enough, becoming good enough. Which begs the question of why, exactly, Raga wants to win so badly. Does she worry that she will lose Hana's love? Will she hurt Hana's future by losing? Or is she competitive and just wants to win for the sake of pride? The line about competitiveness being instinctive to Pokemon in the first chapter implies that it could be the third option. But it's ALSO stated that companionship is a primary instinct, which further implies that it might have something to do with her relationship with Hana.

Am I reading too far into this? Probably. But! I think you've given us good food for thought. Also I LOVE the fanart. It's so gorgeous!! Thanks so much for posting! Always a joy to see another Hoenn fan around here :D

 

[Panoramic_Vacuum]

Alright so I cheated and read the second chapter before leaving thoughts on the first, and well, I am a huge sucker for non-chron story telling, so this was right up my alley (no ragrets). I'll jump right to the second chapter because I think it complements the first chapter so well. I love the subtle hint that this is a jump back in time just from Raga's physical description. Flygon don't have four wings, or buzz... And then the ah-ha moment, this is the Garchomp battle I'd wanted to know so much about! Love little rewards for the reader, doing some puzzle solving on their own.

The battle itself is really fun to read. It's clearly explained what's going on, and it's not as simple as "trainer shouts move, pokemon does move". The moves have build up and power behind them, you can feel the blows as they land. (This OP AF Garchomp tho, who's the Chad who runs Hyper Beam and Giga Impact??) It's clear why Raga lost, but boy what an absolute gut punch in having your long-awaited and glorious evolution ruined by some guy with a fancy land shark. I feel you Raga.

There's a definite kind of magic to living the battle from Raga's point of view, and I love how she'll think or feel something before Hana can say it; it shows how in sync they are as a trainer and pokemon, and it's so satisfying to see. (And in contrast, it makes the distance between them in the first chapter that much more devastating)

Now, back to the first chapter. Overall the first chapter has a lot of charm to it, and it leaves the reader with a lot of unanswered questions: mostly about Raga and the battle (which are then mostly answered in the second chapter). The tension and worry is clear in the air, and the uncertainty surrounding Hana and Raga is there, even with Hana's revelation at the end of the chapter. It sets up room for growth for the both of them moving forward, despite enjoying success and a good relationship up to this point.

The overall premise of the fic is certainly interesting. As we all know Flygon got shafted Flygonite is not a thing in the games, so does your world stay "true" to canon and Raga and Hana have to learn how to go "beyond evolution" without actually mega evolving? Or will Flygon finally get the justice it deserves and discover a mega form after a journey of incredible perseverance and personal growth?? The metaphorical cherry on top. The possibilities are what have me invested.

I think the only part of this intro arc that fell a bit flatter than the rest was the Spinda fight club. It felt very on-the-nose for the lesson Hana was being taught, and it felt very anime-logic to me, having all these wild pokemon just show up and start battling for sport. I didn't really get a sense of what Hana was researching before the events of the fic, and it just so happens it's poke-fight club night on the night she needs an epiphany? I really did love the Magikarp story, though, that was great.

Another thing I enjoyed is the body language and communication between human and pokemon. There's a lot of exchange of ideas and emotions without words, and I love that kind of stuff. This really amazing kinship between trainer and pokemon, and I like that if you aren't close with a specific pokemon, its mannerisms and communication will be foreign (like Oliver and his Armaldo being ??? for Hana). There's a lot of great verb usage in here to convey all those kinds of communication methods that each species would employ.

This has gotten quite long, but I have to say last, but certainly not least, Cosmo is my spirit animal.

In short, this is a great beginning with a lot of potential.

 

[Seren]

I know I should be catching up on LA but since this is only two chapters, I'm doing this instead for now.

So far, I'm really loving how "to the point" this is. The first chapter is only a few scenes but they're all pretty powerful. Chapter 2 is similar, but even more precise, with only the battle scene and the aftermath, so it allows a lot of room for details and you do a great job with the pacing. The chapters don't feel too short or too long, they're just right. And already, you can feel the bond between Hana and Raga, and even Hana's other pokemon have some personality! (My only question so far is, is the Milotic Hana's as well? Or is it someone else's at the lab?)

Finally, I love that we got the entire chapter 2 from Raga's point of view! Her thoughts here are more important to the story than Hana's, especially since we basically got Hana's train of thought at the end of chapter 1. I don't really have anything to critique that isn't a personal issue - which was that I hadn't realized the battle was taking place before chapter 1 happens, so I didn't realize Raga was still a vibrava and that this was the battle that she evolves in. But I think, looking back on it after the fact, you did give context clues in chapter 1 and enough at the beginning of chapter 2 that anyone paying enough attention should be able to catch on right away.

 

[thenatureking]

hello! i'm so late getting to this story lol it caught my eye when it was first posted so i'm happy i can finally dive in to chapter one. me being me, i'm sure my comments will be moreso on the humorous, self-fulfillment side so i hope that's alright! gorgeous art by the way!

Spoiler: reactions

Ash fluttered from the skies, coating the windowsill outside Hana’s room. Beyond the sooty window panes, she could make out the silhouette of a Flygon, perched on top of the hill.

in love with this opening. very simple. very straight to the point, yet rich with visual detail. love.

It was their fault Raga had been in a funk all week, despite all of Hana’s attempts to console her. Even after evolving, Raga had still lost the battle. All because of the newly discovered bane of Raga’s existence, mega evolution. If only she could go back and decline that battle, everything could go back to normal.

unno why, but this is fun. like yasss cmon conflict! the premise of a flygon wanting its own mega evolution is so interesting too. but also the fact that raga lost to a fellow dragon is a great detail too.

Hana watched her for a moment, brow furrowed, then shook her head. Tomorrow would be better. Some dedicated training would cheer Raga up, and then everything could go back to normal. Feeling a little more confident, she returned to bed. As she crawled back under the covers, Cosmo yawned and nuzzled up against her side. A moment later the Linoone was fast asleep. Moments later, Hana joined him.

love the hopeful "everything will be fine later" energy lol.

She’d woken up a good thirty minutes earlier than usual to come out to their spot outside town and train with Raga. Cosmo was curled up on rock a few feet behind her. She’d told him he could stay in bed, but he’d insisted on coming--only to immediately fall asleep anyway. Every now and then, Hana caught sight of a flash of red as her Plusle, Pi, pounced from dust heap to dust heap.

Cosmo getting his beauty sleep i know that's right. also heeey plusle~ i was there the day in the discord chat your name was decided on ctfu (at least i think this was the plusle in questio lol)

The terrarium was her first stop. Stepping into the glass dome felt like leaving Fallarbor Town. Warm, sticky air wrapped around her skin. Sunlight, refracted among the glass panes ahead, lit up the area like a sunny day attack. An Armaldo trundled up to her, clicking a greeting. Hana waved. “Hello, Shale!”

love this description

“I’m sure she’ll get over it eventually.” Hana shook her head. “I already explained that no one has found a Flygonite. They don’t exist.” She shrugged, avoiding Laguna’s crimson gaze, which suddenly struck her as accusatory. “I’m trying, though. We get up early to train together. She just has to accept she’s fine the way she is.”

can't believe milotic doesn't have a mega either...so many good hoenn 'mon were seriously robbed lo

Hana sighed again. She knew it wasn’t that simple. Battling was intrinsic to pokemon’s very nature, second only to companionship. And she could only imagine how devastating last week’s loss had been for Raga. But she didn’t get why Raga was still upset. When they lost to Winona twice, Raga had simply thrown herself into training until they won. What made this any different?

i like this worldbuilding hehe battlemon and friendlymon are my fave types of mon. and yeah i can imagine Winona giving Hana's team the work lol Pi MVP tho i bet haha

Halfway there, she caught snatches of conversation and odd clicking noises to her left. She turned and caught sight of Oliver, engaged in a rapid conversation with Shale. The Armaldo’s clicks were like indecipherable code to Hana, but her supervisor followed them easily. Hana waited until they had wrapped up, then waved.“Oliver!” she called out.

this is a fun image for me, idk why, but a brain blast hit me and i envisioned Olivier learning how to communicate with Shale over time. I love the little trainer-pokemon quirks you're working in.

It raised its claws, and the pokemon around it grew quiet. Then it threw back its head and let out a loud snarl. Low, rumbling cries rippled through the crowd. A Sandslash stepped into the clearing and brandished its claws. The two pokemon met eyes, dipped their heads, then sprang into battle.

A FIGHT CLUB??? lmfaooo my word

After what felt like only a moment, the battle ended with the Zangoose battered but victorious. It dipped its head to its opponent. The Sandslash returned the gesture before shuffling back into the crowd.

so refreshing to see wild pokemon not get all super violent and grimdark realistic. i really enjoy the worldbuilding so far!

A tense silence fell. Then a Spinda stepped into the ring. A few murmurs rose from Hana’s co-workers. She shared their surprise. Spinda were a fairly weak species. Without a trainer, one stood little chance against a Zangoose, a species that sparred regularly among themselves. She watched as the Spinda tottered awkwardly into place. The Zangoose eyed it for a moment, then chirped sharply and gestured towards the watching crowd. The Spinda shook its head. Hana found herself holding her breath. Would the Zangoose refuse the challenge? But even as the thought crossed her mind, the Zangoose gave a guttural snarl and brandished its claws, scraping the tips together.

Spinda baby...somebody come get their child!!

To the Spinda’s credit, it lasted longer than Hana expected. Which was to say it dodged two blows before the third knocked it out instantly. A brief wave of pity washed over Hana as the Spinda staggered back into the crowd. Poor thing. Part of her wanted to go down and feed it some berries, console it, tell it that it didn’t need to fight to prove itself.

asdkahsdansd awwww nooo spinda :( well good on your for trying anyway!!

Hana frowned, staring at the Spinda as it once again left the ring to rest. “Why do you think it keeps fighting? Doesn’t it know it’s impossible for it to win?”

Oliver turned to face her, one eyebrow quirked. “Impossible?”

Hana looked away, briefly embarrassed. She’d come to learn that as easygoing as Oliver was, the one word he didn’t tolerate in his lab was ‘impossible.’ “I just mean, Spinda without a trainer are categorically weaker pokemon. Their group structure isn’t as combat centered as other pokemon so they don’t have as much experience with battle, and they lack the natural abilities of many species. I don’t see how it can ever hope to win.”

i'd be embarrassed too omg where's the faith? but in all seriousness, i love that she thinks like this lol. it makes her feel much more real and three-dimensional.

“The same way a trainer can carry a Slugma in their bare hands and not suffer a single burn?” Oliver smiled. “Remember, Hana. Pokemon are capable of incredible things. Who’s to say that Spinda won’t one day defeat every pokemon you see there?”

Logic. She chewed her lip. She knew better than to let a reply like that out. Logic had its limits. She’d seen that herself, when Cosmo had gone up against Brawly’s Machop. By type match-up alone, the Zigzagoon shouldn’t have stood a chance, but they had won after a heated fight. Still...

shady comebacks. haha but i would love to carry a slugma in my hands...but i'll let someone else demonstrate first

The other pokemon began to yell: 'Give up, you’ll never escape!'

these mean pokemon, they're sick! gotta know who are your true friends omg

The Magikarp answered, 'I’m deaf as a Zubat is blind. But I could tell you were shouting to me. Thank you for the encouragement!'

woow....tears in my eyes...great story...but also yes, Hana, there is a bit of a plothole...

What was Raga thinking about out there? Was she reliving the fateful battle against the Mega Garchomp? Plotting strategies? But training hadn't helped. And she didn't appear to be practicing herself. She would simply sit there, every night, not moving. Why? What was she thinking about? Something clicked. The pieces fell into place. Raga wasn’t thinking. She was waiting.

“Waiting for me.” The words left Hana’s mouth in a whisper.

hmmm...EYE still don't get it yet but i'm very much intrigued...

After all, because Magikarp thought it was hearing praise it managed to leap out of the well.

ahhh....no it's true, it's true. positive reinforcement and encouragement go a long way. the power of friendship is real.

OVERALL, fun first chapter! I love the set up, I love the premise, and I realize I love saying "love" a lot.

Hana is a sweet character and it's good to see how well she understands her pokemon and those she works with. i love the focus on the relationships between trainer and pokemon and like i mentioned earlier, i'm a big fan of the worldbuilding. i'm very interested in seeing how Hana and Raga plan to go about finding a mega stone for Flygon. (And maybe they can snatch one up for Milotic too haha)!

 

[Chibi Pika]

Alone on an ashen night~

 

[kintsugi]

Hi hello, here for a very belated Blitz review! chapter 2~~

I like the broad strokes of shifting to Raga POV here. I think I mentioned this in my earlier review but it's nice to see the disconnect between Raga and Hana's thoughts; in c1 we get the understanding that Hana's definitely not getting something, and in this chapter we get to see with a lot more detail what the gap in their communication is. I also think it's a good shift for a story about how these two aren't really seeing eye-to-eye; the story is pitched about the dream the two of them don't share, so I think it's important to hear from both of them here. I was surprised that we were going back to the battle itself, though--this is the inciting incident of the conflict so far, so it almost feels a little strange to have it laid out on the table so early (and almost paradoxically, so late--since it wasn't the first event in the story either). The pacing of the battle is well-done and it's nice to get a glimpse into Raga's head for it, but at the same time it doesn't really feel like much happens in this chapter by way of plot, since we already know how this story ends.

Which is a fun knot with achron of course--the main appeal of jumping timelines imo is to reveal character motivations and give backstory/meaning to actions that we know characters will take later--but at the same time I don't know if what we learn about Raga in this chapter + the battle constituted a chapter that felt complete to me, especially since Hana's chapter is so much larger and more substantial comparatively. Unsure, and it might just be worth polling the larger audience for how this specific chapter lands; for me while I was reading c1 I'd mostly assumed that Raga's motivations were similar to what they're revealed to be in c2, so there wasn't much new knowledge for me.

All that being said, I was excited to get Raga POV! It's clear that she really loves this and I like how you establish that she's looking to Hana for guidance, and how a lot of her confidence falters when Hana starts faltering. It's interesting to see how much Raga cares about what Hana thinks when a lot of Hana's chapter has Raga fading sadly into the background and being this big ash-covered mystery. I like Raga's pride and confidence that comes with her own evolution (especially the "oh the melodies that would belong to her"--it paints a really interesting picture of what it means for something to belong to someone/what is mastery/can you own the song you create?), and in general the fight is really tightly-paced and fun to see from a combatant's point of view.

Garchomp guy seems like a massive dick, which surprised me since Mega Evolution is supposed to be the pinnacle of knowing your pokemon? But I guess it can just be about knowing your pokemon, so you can still be all sorts of wrong and call other pokemon trash. Which, oof, could mean that Raga and Hana could still find the wrong answers at the end of this road, haha.

Regardless, it looks like the stage is mostly set here, and Raga and Hana aren't quite on the same page of it yet!

some very quick line thoughts! mostly pretty light though

Spoiler

[Art credit: Dragonfree!!!]

this art is so lovely and I love this little flygon loaf omg

His head whipped back and forth as he tried to keep up with her rapid movements, but she remained just ahead of him.

Overall I thought the battle flowed well, but there were some parts I didn't quite parse--I don't quite understand the implications of remaining "just" ahead of his head whipping back and forth, for example. It seems like just moving his head/eyes would be less effort than her moving her entire body around, so this suggests there's an almost unclosable gap in speed between them, but when it comes time for them to exchange blows they end up relatively evenly matched.

Opening her small mouth wide, she gathered her dragon energy together, as Hana had taught her.

I'm also curious about what this would look like, especially in the context of how badly de-synched Hana and Raga are right now--understanding gathering draconic energy to the level that you can teach a dragon seems like a really really intrinsic understanding of dragons! In the previous chapter we got to see Hana's expertise more in the form of offering focused power vs widespread with the Dragon Pulse training, but it seems like it goes a lot deeper than that, and Hana's got a stronger grasp of intrinsic stuff like just knowing dragon energy? Deeply curious to see 1) how she herself learned this and 2) how she's able to convey this info to Raga (in a way that Raga wouldn't have gotten just growing up as a dragon?), especially in the context of what humans and pokemon can learn from one another.

Still, she continued to hold Garchomp's gaze, her ferocity never waning, despite the other dragons' much larger size. Oh how she hated looking up to the brute.

Should be "dragon's" here since it's a singular possessive.

A new body, lithe and strong, one she could stand upright with. A red tinge to her eyesight, thanks to her beautiful, shimmering eye covers.

I like the introspective here on how Raga sees herself and loves her new form (for as long as that lasts, poor baby), but I wanted more understanding here--are these things she's seeing in the moment and observing as it happens to her, or are these things that she knows every flygon has and is therefore excited to grow into them? The eye covers seems to imply the latter, but the paragraph shifts to her looking around and admiring the rest of her--I think some grounding here would've been neat, focusing on what Raga knows flygon look like and what she's been expecting/anticipating out of this new form, how long (if at all) she's been waiting for evolution, etc. This is a momentous part of the chapter and it's described really prettily, but I would've loved some character-grounding with it as well!

Garchomp were apex, they couldn't change form again, just as she could not grow past her own new form!

When the light finally faded, she looked back. No. No, this wasn't right.

I was curious about the certainty with which Raga believes this--from a game/lore perspective, we as the audience know that Flygon can't canonically evolve but Garchomp can, but I feel like in a world where they're just big dragons, anything can be possible? Raga's fixation on That's Not Possible works to cement her perception of unfairness about the things going around her, but I also found it kind of difficult to believe that she's so confused by this when pokemon doing weird shit is kind of the norm? Like what makes Zigzagoon evolving once into Linoone palatable to her in a way that Garchomp evolving a third time isn't?

A flicker of triumph began to grow in Raga. Then it was extinguished.

"Hyper Beam!"

I think this would read more smoothly if the order was shuffled a bit and we saw the reason for the extinguished triumph before Raga tells us it's extinguished.

Another meteor struck on the side, sending her to the ground again. She rolled awkwardly and tried to move again, only for a final one to smash across her body, shattering to pieces around her.

The final bits of the battle--this and the image of Garchomp roaring to the sky even after Raga's implied to have fainted--feel very detached, which was a little harder to track after the super-close POV in this chapter.