Chapter 2
There's a lot of great visceral sensory detail in this chapter; I can practically feel the cold rain as Steven tries to distract Kyogre. Little things like trying to hold onto Skarmory's rain-slicked wings, etc. It all just sells the action scene, and the action itself is beautiful - there's an immediate sense of danger with the cliff Metagross is on just getting obliterated, and the buildup of electricity in the air and then the way Metagross jumps in to misdirect Kyogre's attack, only to hit Skarmory and send Steven plummeting... Delicious and gripping.
But of course, Wallace is there to save him. Steven is still determined not to talk about the bit where he thinks he's going to die, and is staying very vague about the exact nature of his plan... possibly because of that. If he told Wallace it involves summoning even more legendaries, maybe he has a feeling Wallace would know enough to not approve.
I enjoy Drake's Flygon being upset about the rain in the desert. In his section it's sounding like it is supposed to be Drake who summons Regirock and brings it back to Sootopolis... I guess Steven means to sort of 'take over' and try to direct all of them? Or something of the like... Unsure, but looking forward to finding out. It really does have to be nerve-wrecking to be there waiting for a signal in apocalyptic weather, not knowing when or if it's coming, and helpless to do anything else.
Phoebe's section is another delightfully ominous ohohohoho bit. The narrative purpose of sending her there is clear now: she can sense spirits, and that means she can feel the sheer malice in this tablet and be terrified of it. But she still trusts Steven and does it anyway - they all do. Man. Wonder if their
Chapter 3
(Though that makes me wonder if his smile is entirely genuine, when he's also thinking about his guilt about not telling her?)
I see what you did there with the crushing weight and the icy hand and the steel jabbing through his gut. You successfully make the summoning really creepy and nightmarish, and make the Regis feel terrifying in the process. Poor Wallace, though, watching his friend go through this and unable to do anything about it, and poor Steven's Pokémon! They don't have a big part here but I like the bits you include a lot, Aggron trying to help until Steven desperately tells him to stay back, Claydol not wanting to upset Cradily.
I guess what's happening here is Steven as a single person is doing the summoning but what that does is cause the Regis to appear in their respective chambers, which makes sense in hindsight.
The scene with Steven talking to the Regis is whumpy and unsettling and intriguing. They're disdainful of Hoenn's people after being forsaken and sealed away. Steven says he doesn't fear them, but he's been suppressing a lot of fears so far. I notice they're quite vague about what exactly must be given to summon them - they don't actually say he must give his life. I wonder if that will turn out to be key later.
Chapter 4
Wallace, Wallace, don't assume he's dead without even checking for a pulse. (Love his distress, though, well portrayed. Particularly the waiting to pick up the PokéNav in case it wakes Steven somehow, and being unable to say anything when he does.)
I like how Phoebe is reassured by Steven's voice gaining strength, but Wallace remains skeptical, still haunted by the sight of him apparently dead, and probably with some creeping idea since chapter one that Steven didn't necessarily expect to survive.
I enjoy Sidney's exuberance as he leads Registeel towards Sootopolis - though I imagine it won't last long when he properly sees the state of Steven, unfortunately. His voice is just fun generally, cracking jokes about the Save Hoenn Express even under the circumstances.
Love Wallace here generally. He just cares so much about Steven, and he doesn't understand this and it's frustrating and he just needs Steven to not die. He wants to protect the region, and his city, and Steven, and the little moment of Steven having the fleeting thought he'd make for a good champion feels good and earned.
Meanwhile Steven is trying so hard to control this and make it work, through the pain, without endangering anyone else with it. With the whole specific stipulation of how trying to summon the Regis alone would kill a person, I wonder if he could actually save himself if he let one of the others get involved - but doesn't want to because then they'd suffer the same pain that he's going through. (Bet Wallace would be pretty mad if that was the case; he would absolutely take on some of that pain himself if he knew he could, I expect.)
The ending's another great cliffhanger. This situation truly just does not give them a break. Love the energy propelling the reader onward through it all.
Chapter 5
There's a good sense of how exhausted everyone is in the opening scene, everyone clambering onto the ice with the last of their strength. Steven clutching the tablet so hard makes me wonder if it's literally what's keeping up his strength right now or if he's just clinging to the importance of successfully getting the Regis to help as the only thing that would justify what he's done, which can only be done if he holds on to the tablet.
Love Steven's relief at his Pokémon being okay, smiling despite the crushing agony he's in. Aww. Is that Kingdra lifting Aggron Wallace's...? Not entirely clear.
The legendary showdown has a real sense of scale to it; after all we've seen Kyogre do, the power the Regis muster to reseal it feels mighty, and you sell it through the descriptions.
Love Steven's exhaustion as it's all finishing, his voice too weak for Wallace to hear, and then the realization his message to his father never sent, that he has something left undone that he needs to do.
The whole final scene is heartbreaking and put tears in my eyes; you do a really spot-on job writing this grief and highlighting the right details and coming back to the PokéNav again. Man, we're about to see what Steven wrote to his father, aren't we. Preparing for emotional destruction.
Couple of mistakes here and there:
Chapter 6
Steven isn't great at sentiment, is he. He spends his message explaining himself, but doesn't manage much in the way of emotionality. I'm curious if Steven intended for his father to tell Wallace about the content of the message - he says he didn't want anyone to know about it, but also that his father should apologize to Wallace for him, which might raise some questions.
Steven talking about hoping despite his constant failings as a son he's been able to make him proud aches, especially after the last scene of chapter five - as if Joseph would be thinking about his failings as a son at a time like this. Oh, Steven.
It makes sense for Wallace to be upset - that Steven specifically planned for it to go this way and yet didn't say anything to him, that Steven decided unilaterally that his own life was worth sacrificing. The idea that it doesn't make him a hero, and is simply what any Champion should have done, is noble in its way, and yet - it means Hoenn has now lost its Champion, his loved ones have lost a dear friend, and they never got to have anything to say about it. Painfully, I can get Steven's thought process, just wanting to do it and make sure they won't try to stop him - but in the process they were all left suffering after his loss.
It doesn't quite sound like it was the case that he could have had others share the burden with him. But one does wonder what might have changed if he had told them, at least Wallace. I'm sure Wallace would have been willing to do a lot to find another way, as would others.
Chapter 7
The afterlife scene is really good and sad. Steven imagines a happy reunion because he's done his duty, and instead his mom is just mortified, and sacrifices her afterlife for him against his will - ironically turning what he did to Wallace/his father back on him. And thus, he has to go through the pain of losing her all over again, just when he thought he'd get to be with her. The emotional writing is stellar.
This story definitely didn't go quite where I initially expected - not in a bad way, mind you! I was figuring it'd be about Steven determined to sacrifice himself and Wallace and the Elites finding another way somehow - pressing Steven on what he's doing until he admits it's possible to share the pain (and then doing so), pleading with the Regis as they're about to take him, or otherwise working to save him. Instead, this is more of a story exploring the nature of self-sacrifice. Steven is so insistent on the idea that giving his life here is just his duty that he keeps it from everyone who might have tried to talk him out of it or seek other solutions, everyone who would be impacted by his loss, and imagines a clean exit where he will go to the afterlife and reunite with his mother and not worry about what he left behind. Instead, he finds his mother in distress, and remembers his own distress when she died, and then she makes a similar sacrifice for him, at her own behest, despite his protests, just like his friends might have felt about him.
He's still a man who believes more than anything that it's his duty to protect the region at any cost to himself, who can't promise that he won't do this again. And Wallace understands that too - all he asked was to tell us next time. And after all this, Steven manages to honestly promise that he'll try, now understanding a little better the agony that Wallace went through, and willing to try a little harder not to put him through not knowing again. That's the character arc here, and I think it lands well. The whole tension of the story has been about Steven knowing he's going to die and not telling anyone, and the way his encounter with his mother reflects it back at him a bit is clever.
I think this story is very well executed overall. Your writing really shines whenever you need to land an emotional punch of suffering or grief or close bonds, and the descriptions of the main action are punchy and evocative. It gets across exactly what it needs to without dragging things on too long. All in all, lovely whump, gripping action and powerful scenes. Thanks for sharing it!
There's a lot of great visceral sensory detail in this chapter; I can practically feel the cold rain as Steven tries to distract Kyogre. Little things like trying to hold onto Skarmory's rain-slicked wings, etc. It all just sells the action scene, and the action itself is beautiful - there's an immediate sense of danger with the cliff Metagross is on just getting obliterated, and the buildup of electricity in the air and then the way Metagross jumps in to misdirect Kyogre's attack, only to hit Skarmory and send Steven plummeting... Delicious and gripping.
But of course, Wallace is there to save him. Steven is still determined not to talk about the bit where he thinks he's going to die, and is staying very vague about the exact nature of his plan... possibly because of that. If he told Wallace it involves summoning even more legendaries, maybe he has a feeling Wallace would know enough to not approve.
I enjoy Drake's Flygon being upset about the rain in the desert. In his section it's sounding like it is supposed to be Drake who summons Regirock and brings it back to Sootopolis... I guess Steven means to sort of 'take over' and try to direct all of them? Or something of the like... Unsure, but looking forward to finding out. It really does have to be nerve-wrecking to be there waiting for a signal in apocalyptic weather, not knowing when or if it's coming, and helpless to do anything else.
Phoebe's section is another delightfully ominous ohohohoho bit. The narrative purpose of sending her there is clear now: she can sense spirits, and that means she can feel the sheer malice in this tablet and be terrified of it. But she still trusts Steven and does it anyway - they all do. Man. Wonder if their
"In an instant" feels a little incongruous to me here, right after saying at first nothing happens... Can't say it's incorrect, though, I do get what you mean, just sort of not what I would expect.At first, nothing happens, and Steven wonders if Kyogre heard their challenge over the raging storm. But in an instant, he wonders no more as a bolt of blue energy slams into the cliff side, obliterating the spot where his partner had stood.
Typo; *battle.They both know the stakes, what the end of this battles means.
This is technically a comma splice, where two clauses that could be independent sentences are connected with just a comma, which is incorrect; you want either a period or a semicolon there, grammatically.Part of her wonders why she can't just obey orders without question, it'd be a lot easier in the long run.
It sounds from what follows this like there are multiple spirits involved, so you want "spirits' voices".The truly terrifying thing had been that the second Phoebe's fingers brushed the ancient stone, the spirit's voices cried out all at once, and she nearly buckled from the force.
Chapter 3
Awww. I like this, this feeling of shame that he can't just root for Steven's plan to save them all without suspecting his city'll just be destroyed anyway.Wallace fidgets with the ends of his cape, unused to the feeling of helplessness that washes over him with each rising inch of the tide. He swallows the shame in fearing that even if Steven's plan succeeds, there won't be much left of his city to save.
👌 That's the good friendship whumpSteven's hand twitches towards his belt for a second before he stops himself. That particular pokeball is no longer in its usual place, left in the care of his friend with an unspoken guarantee that it will remain empty. It takes significant effort to think beyond the racing of his heart. He knows Metagross can feel it too. His gaze rolls skyward.
He's ready to start the beginning of the end.
And so he relays his farewell to the pokemon he's known for his whole life —his first pokemon, his first true friend— and he feels it in his heart as Metagross cries out with the desperation of its love. Kyogre screeches in pain as the bite of Metagross's resolve bolsters the steel type's attack, and in turn, his partner's renewed determination steadies Steven's nerve. How many nights had he spent lying awake, preparing for this moment? It would be unbecoming to stall any longer.
I believe since this is being told in the present tense, you want "he will not fail".To falter now would mean failure, and he would not fail.
Oh noooooShe chirrups in the affirmative and Steven's smile is genuine this time. Her loyalty is as boundless as her enthusiasm, and the guilt of not telling her of his plan's true intentions is especially hard to swallow.
(Though that makes me wonder if his smile is entirely genuine, when he's also thinking about his guilt about not telling her?)
I see what you did there with the crushing weight and the icy hand and the steel jabbing through his gut. You successfully make the summoning really creepy and nightmarish, and make the Regis feel terrifying in the process. Poor Wallace, though, watching his friend go through this and unable to do anything about it, and poor Steven's Pokémon! They don't have a big part here but I like the bits you include a lot, Aggron trying to help until Steven desperately tells him to stay back, Claydol not wanting to upset Cradily.
I guess what's happening here is Steven as a single person is doing the summoning but what that does is cause the Regis to appear in their respective chambers, which makes sense in hindsight.
The scene with Steven talking to the Regis is whumpy and unsettling and intriguing. They're disdainful of Hoenn's people after being forsaken and sealed away. Steven says he doesn't fear them, but he's been suppressing a lot of fears so far. I notice they're quite vague about what exactly must be given to summon them - they don't actually say he must give his life. I wonder if that will turn out to be key later.
Chapter 4
Wallace, Wallace, don't assume he's dead without even checking for a pulse. (Love his distress, though, well portrayed. Particularly the waiting to pick up the PokéNav in case it wakes Steven somehow, and being unable to say anything when he does.)
Love this whump 👌He nearly screams as Steven's arms flail wildly, hands grasping for something to anchor himself back in reality. They find purchase on the soaking fabric of Wallace's cloak, and Steven takes a ragged breath, like it's the first breath he's taken in years. His eyes are wide and frantic, panicked as if he just clawed his way back from the abyss. Wallace has never been so scared in his life.
❤️ Still thinking of making sure his Pokémon know he's proud of them after he's gone. (But of course, he can't just tell them that now, because then they might start to suspect something is up, and he's still trying not to make them worry.)Fingers tracing the ancient text, he spares a glance toward where his pokemon stand, ever obedient despite the mixture of fear and confusion in their expressions. Armaldo is shaking, but puts on a brave face next to Aggron's hulking form, the latter of which hasn't budged since his trainer's command to do just that. Steven knows it's torturous for the overprotective steel type to do nothing but watch, and he hopes his lingering gaze is enough of an apology. It has to be, because Steven can't bring himself to meet Cradily's anguished stare. Her cries have softened now, though she still quivers from her distress. Even without looking, the guilt makes his heart clench. Despite all of his regret, he is endlessly proud of them. He hopes that after it's over, Claydol relays as much to the rest of his team.
I like how Phoebe is reassured by Steven's voice gaining strength, but Wallace remains skeptical, still haunted by the sight of him apparently dead, and probably with some creeping idea since chapter one that Steven didn't necessarily expect to survive.
AwwwwSteven gives her a knowing look and draws himself up enough so that Wallace can fish out his own pokemon. The Sootopolis Leader is still shaking, but Steven knows that his friend has the same steadfast resolve to protect that which he loves. As Wallace's prized Milotic materializes alongside his other partners, Steven allows himself a moment to muse; his friend really would make a good Champion…
I enjoy Sidney's exuberance as he leads Registeel towards Sootopolis - though I imagine it won't last long when he properly sees the state of Steven, unfortunately. His voice is just fun generally, cracking jokes about the Save Hoenn Express even under the circumstances.
Love Wallace here generally. He just cares so much about Steven, and he doesn't understand this and it's frustrating and he just needs Steven to not die. He wants to protect the region, and his city, and Steven, and the little moment of Steven having the fleeting thought he'd make for a good champion feels good and earned.
Meanwhile Steven is trying so hard to control this and make it work, through the pain, without endangering anyone else with it. With the whole specific stipulation of how trying to summon the Regis alone would kill a person, I wonder if he could actually save himself if he let one of the others get involved - but doesn't want to because then they'd suffer the same pain that he's going through. (Bet Wallace would be pretty mad if that was the case; he would absolutely take on some of that pain himself if he knew he could, I expect.)
The ending's another great cliffhanger. This situation truly just does not give them a break. Love the energy propelling the reader onward through it all.
Chapter 5
There's a good sense of how exhausted everyone is in the opening scene, everyone clambering onto the ice with the last of their strength. Steven clutching the tablet so hard makes me wonder if it's literally what's keeping up his strength right now or if he's just clinging to the importance of successfully getting the Regis to help as the only thing that would justify what he's done, which can only be done if he holds on to the tablet.
Love Steven's relief at his Pokémon being okay, smiling despite the crushing agony he's in. Aww. Is that Kingdra lifting Aggron Wallace's...? Not entirely clear.
❤️ ❤️ ❤️"Metagross." It's barely a whisper, whether it's all he can muster, or the breath truly has frozen in his throat. He can feel his heart racing, the adrenaline starting to kick in. They're both still alive. He never thought he'd see his partner again. He never thought Metagross would see him again.
With a burst of strength, Steven lurches to his feet and stumbles as far as he can before falling to his knees at Metagross's side. He leans his head against its crest, the steel cold against his feverish brow. There are no words exchanged, the emotion pouring from Steven is all Metagross needs to know. The sound it makes is halfway between a wheeze and a sob.
The legendary showdown has a real sense of scale to it; after all we've seen Kyogre do, the power the Regis muster to reseal it feels mighty, and you sell it through the descriptions.
Love Steven's exhaustion as it's all finishing, his voice too weak for Wallace to hear, and then the realization his message to his father never sent, that he has something left undone that he needs to do.
Ngggh, the death whump hurts just right.Steven always imagined he'd made peace with his decision, that he'd be ready in the moment. But he's not. He wants to beg, to plead for just one more moment, he can't go yet. But he can't ask for more time, not from the beings who restlessly slumbered for so long. What was his existence against the centuries they'd spent imprisoned? Watching... Waiting... He can't even feel his trembling fingers anymore, stretched as far as they can go, and his PokeNav is still out of reach.
He can't go yet.
But the titans wait no longer. As Steven feels the icy presence take its leave, his last breath leaves with it. The strength leaves his limbs. The world around him is just so dark... He slumps forward. He's exhausted. He doesn't even feel it when he hits the ground.
This is very well put.There is nothing Wallace can do except wait and hope. The same agonizing uncertainty as that day, when he could do nothing but helplessly watch. So he sets about burying his grief in something other than solitude, and busies himself with the rest of the Elite. They work in silence save for what's necessary. There's not much left to be said that can close the hole left from that fateful day. There's not much they want to say because that means it's time to fill it, and no one's ready for that just yet.
💔Not because he knows that's where Steven's house sits, as empty as it's always been even when he was alive. Not because it would dredge up too many reminders of what would be missing from within its walls forever. But because Aggron, in its grief, refused to let anyone come near the home unless they were Steven himself. It had become so fiercely territorial that the road to the small cliffside cottage was blocked with barricades to keep accidental passerbys safe from its rampage. No amount of consoling or pleading would calm it, so Wallace turns on his heel almost as soon as he arrives, and takes its empty pokeball with him to Ever Grande, to be placed with the rest of Steven's belongings.
The whole final scene is heartbreaking and put tears in my eyes; you do a really spot-on job writing this grief and highlighting the right details and coming back to the PokéNav again. Man, we're about to see what Steven wrote to his father, aren't we. Preparing for emotional destruction.
Couple of mistakes here and there:
You want Regis', since it's a plural.All eyes are turned to the sky as the Regi's power grows.
In an instant, the titan's power slams into the sea god full force
Kyogre's pained howl tears through the night, clouds rippling and scattering from the force of the Regi's attack.
Same here, you want titans' and Regis'.Bursts of light dance across the Regi's forms
Should be "as it's pushed".Wallace dashes toward the edge of the platform, harrowed stare fixated on where Kyogre is now being forced into the Cave's yawning opening, still screeching and thrashing, its fins gouging chunks from the ceremonial doors as its pushed deeper into the darkness.
Chapter 6
Steven isn't great at sentiment, is he. He spends his message explaining himself, but doesn't manage much in the way of emotionality. I'm curious if Steven intended for his father to tell Wallace about the content of the message - he says he didn't want anyone to know about it, but also that his father should apologize to Wallace for him, which might raise some questions.
Steven talking about hoping despite his constant failings as a son he's been able to make him proud aches, especially after the last scene of chapter five - as if Joseph would be thinking about his failings as a son at a time like this. Oh, Steven.
It makes sense for Wallace to be upset - that Steven specifically planned for it to go this way and yet didn't say anything to him, that Steven decided unilaterally that his own life was worth sacrificing. The idea that it doesn't make him a hero, and is simply what any Champion should have done, is noble in its way, and yet - it means Hoenn has now lost its Champion, his loved ones have lost a dear friend, and they never got to have anything to say about it. Painfully, I can get Steven's thought process, just wanting to do it and make sure they won't try to stop him - but in the process they were all left suffering after his loss.
It doesn't quite sound like it was the case that he could have had others share the burden with him. But one does wonder what might have changed if he had told them, at least Wallace. I'm sure Wallace would have been willing to do a lot to find another way, as would others.
Chapter 7
The afterlife scene is really good and sad. Steven imagines a happy reunion because he's done his duty, and instead his mom is just mortified, and sacrifices her afterlife for him against his will - ironically turning what he did to Wallace/his father back on him. And thus, he has to go through the pain of losing her all over again, just when he thought he'd get to be with her. The emotional writing is stellar.
❤️It's peaceful and reassuring and he's back at the hospital, being led from her room for the last time. He can't cry again, he has to be brave. For her.
I like these sentences a lot; just good, effective writing.Somewhere in the back of her mind—in the back of everyone's mind—is the ghost of memories that supposedly never happened. Like the feeling of something you should remember, something you couldn't quite put into words, sitting right on the tip of your tongue, something lingered, sour and repugnant.
I believe it's "taut"?A cord drawn taught, pulled until it frayed, yet refused to snap.
I think there's a word missing or extra here.The growing dawn light glints off the of his silver rings, and for a second he forgets to breathe.
❤️ Love them.And for the first time, the ghost of a smile dances across Wallace's face. "I guess that will have to do." He offers Steven his hand as he rises. Steven accepts it and is hoisted to his feet where he wobbles only momentarily before Wallace steadies him. "I hope you know, Steven Stone, just how impossibly exhausting it is to be your friend. I believe these are yours, by the way."
This story definitely didn't go quite where I initially expected - not in a bad way, mind you! I was figuring it'd be about Steven determined to sacrifice himself and Wallace and the Elites finding another way somehow - pressing Steven on what he's doing until he admits it's possible to share the pain (and then doing so), pleading with the Regis as they're about to take him, or otherwise working to save him. Instead, this is more of a story exploring the nature of self-sacrifice. Steven is so insistent on the idea that giving his life here is just his duty that he keeps it from everyone who might have tried to talk him out of it or seek other solutions, everyone who would be impacted by his loss, and imagines a clean exit where he will go to the afterlife and reunite with his mother and not worry about what he left behind. Instead, he finds his mother in distress, and remembers his own distress when she died, and then she makes a similar sacrifice for him, at her own behest, despite his protests, just like his friends might have felt about him.
He's still a man who believes more than anything that it's his duty to protect the region at any cost to himself, who can't promise that he won't do this again. And Wallace understands that too - all he asked was to tell us next time. And after all this, Steven manages to honestly promise that he'll try, now understanding a little better the agony that Wallace went through, and willing to try a little harder not to put him through not knowing again. That's the character arc here, and I think it lands well. The whole tension of the story has been about Steven knowing he's going to die and not telling anyone, and the way his encounter with his mother reflects it back at him a bit is clever.
I think this story is very well executed overall. Your writing really shines whenever you need to land an emotional punch of suffering or grief or close bonds, and the descriptions of the main action are punchy and evocative. It gets across exactly what it needs to without dragging things on too long. All in all, lovely whump, gripping action and powerful scenes. Thanks for sharing it!