rimly
mini-blitz in a bottle
- Location
- a pocket dimension
- Pronouns
- They/She
Reading time! :D
okay! so the narrator voice here is fun. the "i knew this family growing up" framing just works, feels like someones telling you about people they knew over coffee or something. and the little asides where they lose track of their own point or go off on tangents feel like a real person talking which i find really really cute! :D
mr. and mrs.doe arguing about the druddigon gift is where i perked up. mr.doe going "a druddigon is easy to care for" and then immediately "...for a dragon-type pokemon, of course" while his own mienshao is giving him a look... ha. and mrs.doe is RIGHT to be skeptical! this man gave his children a large carnivorous reptile and his argument is basically "well shes chill and also local pride." and it works on her?? says a lot about this family honestly.
james is kind of just... there to be small though. john and jane both have their own snark flavors but james is just youngest-kid-says-cute-thing. hes five so fair enough but yeah.
the dragonspiral tower scene! neela roaring in johns face when he calls the rock stupid. thats the first time she feels like she has her own thing going on outside of what the doe kids want from her. up to this point shes been annoyed when james bothers her, confused by human stuff, going along with things, etc. etc. but here she picks her old home over her trainers. returns the stone, scolds the kids, and when john talks shit about where she came from she gets in his face. more of this please!
the bread scene is sweet :) gives james something to actually do for once. the tranquill bit is funny (johns "id be thinking of dinner too" line especially lol) but its also the most after-school-special-y moment of the bunch.
"good morning, cardboard box" ha. good punchline :D
the gym challenge stuff is where i kinda drift. both john and janes attempts get summarized so fast they feel like footnotes. jane especially... the story builds up her planning, her confidence, her whole strategy, and then its just "unfortunately they werent a shoo-in" and shes out the door confused. if gym challenges arent what this story is about (and i dont think they are?) thats fine but like... either show a bit more of the battle or trim the leadup. the ratio feels off.
but then neela with janes cubone at night. no narrator commentary, no mr.doe stepping in, just john coming downstairs and finding the druddigon curled around this scared little pokemon because she decided to handle it on her own. :) and johns "shame we cant just ask you to explain whats going on"... yeah.
carol! im keeping an eye on her. she trends toward being the person who shows up with answers... she knows how to scratch druddigon chins, she solves the gym badge thing with marbles, she gets dragon hoarding instincts from draydens gym. she does get things wrong too, mixes up neelas gender on first meeting, and when the axew gets stuck in the tree neela handles the rescue on her own. so shes not infallible. but i want to see what she looks like when she doesnt have a solution ready.
the marble trade is well done though! introducing carol through something the does didnt know about their own pokemon tells you who she is right away. and the axew hiding behind her legs... hes so small and scared and she just gets dragons. cute pair.
the windmill scene at the end is probably the best thing in this whole batch. the kids are annoyed, ready to force-recall neela, they climb up to drag two misbehaving pokemon home... and then theres just this sunset over icirrus city and dragonspiral tower and suddenly they get it. and then the axew and druddigon trying to blame each other for whose idea it was keeps it from getting too pretty :)
four chapters in and im enjoying this but im ready for something that lasts longer than one scene. every conflict resolves pretty quick so far. im hoping the dragonspiral tower stuff and neelas pull toward her old home get to simmer a bit more going forward.
mr. and mrs.doe arguing about the druddigon gift is where i perked up. mr.doe going "a druddigon is easy to care for" and then immediately "...for a dragon-type pokemon, of course" while his own mienshao is giving him a look... ha. and mrs.doe is RIGHT to be skeptical! this man gave his children a large carnivorous reptile and his argument is basically "well shes chill and also local pride." and it works on her?? says a lot about this family honestly.
james is kind of just... there to be small though. john and jane both have their own snark flavors but james is just youngest-kid-says-cute-thing. hes five so fair enough but yeah.
the dragonspiral tower scene! neela roaring in johns face when he calls the rock stupid. thats the first time she feels like she has her own thing going on outside of what the doe kids want from her. up to this point shes been annoyed when james bothers her, confused by human stuff, going along with things, etc. etc. but here she picks her old home over her trainers. returns the stone, scolds the kids, and when john talks shit about where she came from she gets in his face. more of this please!
the bread scene is sweet :) gives james something to actually do for once. the tranquill bit is funny (johns "id be thinking of dinner too" line especially lol) but its also the most after-school-special-y moment of the bunch.
"good morning, cardboard box" ha. good punchline :D
the gym challenge stuff is where i kinda drift. both john and janes attempts get summarized so fast they feel like footnotes. jane especially... the story builds up her planning, her confidence, her whole strategy, and then its just "unfortunately they werent a shoo-in" and shes out the door confused. if gym challenges arent what this story is about (and i dont think they are?) thats fine but like... either show a bit more of the battle or trim the leadup. the ratio feels off.
but then neela with janes cubone at night. no narrator commentary, no mr.doe stepping in, just john coming downstairs and finding the druddigon curled around this scared little pokemon because she decided to handle it on her own. :) and johns "shame we cant just ask you to explain whats going on"... yeah.
carol! im keeping an eye on her. she trends toward being the person who shows up with answers... she knows how to scratch druddigon chins, she solves the gym badge thing with marbles, she gets dragon hoarding instincts from draydens gym. she does get things wrong too, mixes up neelas gender on first meeting, and when the axew gets stuck in the tree neela handles the rescue on her own. so shes not infallible. but i want to see what she looks like when she doesnt have a solution ready.
the marble trade is well done though! introducing carol through something the does didnt know about their own pokemon tells you who she is right away. and the axew hiding behind her legs... hes so small and scared and she just gets dragons. cute pair.
the windmill scene at the end is probably the best thing in this whole batch. the kids are annoyed, ready to force-recall neela, they climb up to drag two misbehaving pokemon home... and then theres just this sunset over icirrus city and dragonspiral tower and suddenly they get it. and then the axew and druddigon trying to blame each other for whose idea it was keeps it from getting too pretty :)
four chapters in and im enjoying this but im ready for something that lasts longer than one scene. every conflict resolves pretty quick so far. im hoping the dragonspiral tower stuff and neelas pull toward her old home get to simmer a bit more going forward.