Destiny Village ~ Pasta Plaza

[Cresselia92]

So, that wasn’t a good day to give away his cupcakes, it seemed like. Mostly because there were a few people around, but also because the bag full of cupcakes… wasn’t full anymore. Only a few chocolate and whipped cream ones were left, wrapped up carefully in small plastic boxes.

A tail reached out for one of the sweet treats, and Petram stared at it with a somewhat blank expression. Since he had returned from the Voidlands, he was trying to extinguish an appetite that never ended, to fill a black hole that refused to close. Even the star inside his chest was gone, replaced by an hollow hole leaking ink-like matter.

He sighed and bit a piece of the cupcake. Once more, it tasted like nothing, and yet he couldn’t stop eating that, either.

“A walking dream…”

The Ninetales stared at the sky, with the words of the shadow of Magnificent echoing into his mind. Sure, he had dismissed those words back then and pushed them away from his noggin, mostly to not be a concern for Daddy. And yet… they were back, haunting him. Reminding him that he was a fake. Fake. Fake!

“So, I’m a fake,” he muttered, his gaze falling on the black hole. Crumbles of the cupcake swirled inside of it, before becoming powder, then nothingness. “Nothing surprising. I mean, I… knew I wasn’t Firetales, nor Daddy. I’m just some… bizarre hybrid. Just like… yeah, just like Daddy. But that’s fine! It’s fine!” He shook his head. Nope, the phantom’s words were still haunting him. “…Gods! Why can’t I just stop thinking about that? Even if I’m fake, it doesn’t mean that what I’m doing is fake, right? It’s not like I… can’t become someone, a true genuine self! Right?”

Petram stopped walking.

“…Right?”

No answer. The Ninetales groaned in frustration.

“Damn that phantom for putting me in this mood and for slipping those invasive thoughts into my brain! Damn him!”

Grumbling to himself, he hopped on a nearby bench and ate another cupcake.

Tasteless.

 

[Shiny Phantump]

Oh, there was Petram. Lately, she hadn’t spoken with him as much as she used to. She’d been dealing with her own issues, ones she didn’t think he’d really get…

It’s not like I… can’t become someone, a true genuine self! Right?

…And it seemed he was dealing with his own issues as well. An issue that sounded familiar to her.

Maybe he could use her help. If anyone was going to be able to relate to his identity crisis, it would probably be her. Or perhaps she’d make things worse with the way she was changing. Maybe she would be like a manifestation of what he didn’t want to become of him…

She still felt she had to try. She sat down beside him.

“Hi, Petram. It’s me. I’m still Soul, despite… this. How are you doing?”

 

[Cresselia92]

Another cupcake gone. Another hollow aftertaste.

Fudge! He couldn’t even afford some small pleasure now? Why was he being so affected by that?

He was Petram! The Invicible Petram, would-be Beacon of Hope! Hopelessness was a fiend! He had to react! He had to…

…

Nope! Nope! Nope!

No more ugly thoughts, no! Time to do the oil and water trick, and push those disgusting thoughts away with some positive vibes!

The Ninetales took a few glances around. Perhaps studying his surroundings nature would have distracted his mind.

So, huh, what was there? A clear sky; many colorful flowers; some Cutiefly and Combee competing for the pollen; Eien strolling around the plaza…

…Wait. What?

“Hi, Petram. It’s me. I’m still Soul, despite… this. How are you doing?”

Well, now that was something that distracted him completely.

“Oh? Soul?”

Petram studied his friend, his gaze trailing on her new features. As he was far too used to the horrors seen through Daddy’s nightmares, her appearance was… very tame in comparison.

Curiosity filled his eyes: what was the deal with some shades (and Vix) changing species entirely?

“You look nice. Just like Mommy.” Petram wagged his tails and glanced briefly at his chest. Still a black hole. “Well, um… I’ve been so and so, I guess. Been dealing with a lot of stuff and trash and matters.” He chuckled softly. “Grownup things, or so I think…”

 

[Shiny Phantump]

“I see. We’ve all had a lot to think about, don’t we? We didn’t get much childhood...”

Although we might be having another one, in due time…

Petram was comfortable with what she was becoming, then. Unless he was just good at masking it, but that would be unlike him.

“Things change quickly here, I suppose. I’ve gotten better at dealing with it over time. I mean, I’m changing myself, aren’t I? I was never really as much of a Ninetales as you are, so this suits me just fine.”

She wasn’t sure if she should let on to what she’d overheard or not. Perhaps she could give him a bit of a push in that direction and see if he took the chance.

“Is what you’re dealing with related to what we are? I know I’ve been taking it okay, but I’m still no stranger to feeling lost in matters of identity. I would understand.”

She paused, giving Petram a chance to respond. Then, she spoke again.

“May I have a cupcake? Your baking is lovely, and I find it tastes best when shared.”

 

[Cresselia92]

Petram smiled, feeling somewhat reassured by Soul’s presence. It was good to hear what she has been doing as of late, and it would have been a good way to not think about his concerns—

“Is what you’re dealing with related to what we are? I know I’ve been taking it okay, but I’m still no stranger to feeling lost in matters of identity. I would understand.”

…Well, so much for that.

Petram tilted his head, ears dropping slightly. “I… guess? I mean, I’m not bothered by the knowledge that I’m basically a walking storage of an Eternatus egg, nor that my biodad is the ultimate incarnation of darkness. Far from it,” his tails wagged slightly, “I actually find that really sick!”

But then, his tails stilled, and a sad sigh escaped his throat.

“It’s a bit more complex than that. It’s more like,” he looked down, “who am I? I know my name is Petram, but… there is no original Petram. I have no true origins. Many of us are mirrors of people who exist. Tangible people with a past, memories, history, myths.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I don’t have that luxury. I don’t have some base to look forward to. I’m just,” he reopened his eyes and took a deep breath, “a mishmash of dreams of a broken spirit. I’ve inherited some talents from a friend of Daddy, but… I’m not that friend, either. I’m just… I’m not sure what I am nor what I’m supposed to be anymore.”

He paused to gather his thoughts, his claws running on the bench.

“Don’t get me wrong, though! I’m not blaming Daddy for unconsciously piecing me up like that. Nobody’s to blame! It’s just… something that has been a lot on my mind as of late. For once, I… don’t know what to do about myself. Daddy even encouraged me to follow my path, and I wish to do that, but… I dunno how.”

Then, she spoke again.

“May I have a cupcake? Your baking is lovely, and I find it tastes best when shared.”

“Hm?” That quiet request was enough to cheer him up a little. “Oh! Sure! Suit yourself!” The Ninetales extended the bag of cupcakes. “I have some chocolate cupcakes left. They’re pretty good!”

Except that he couldn’t taste them anymore, but he was confident that they were good.

 

[Shiny Phantump]

Soul accepted the cupcake, withering the wrapper off by hexing it with ghost energy. It was becoming harder and harder for her to call upon that power… Given the negative feelings her hexing drew on, that was probably a good sign, but she’d miss the power. She’d have to find something new to do.

Soul took a bite of the cupcake. She closed her eyes, savouring the icing and cake as it dissolved in her mouth.

“Mmm. It tastes like childhood. Familiar and comfortable, like simpler times spent together. Makes me feel nostalgic.”

She looked at the cake, then up at Petram.

“Maybe it’s not just the cupcake make me feel that way, though. The feelings you’re describing are familiar, too. I understand.”

Who am I? Even just the question itself had an air of nostalgia to her. She hadn’t finished answering it yet, but it no longer consumed her like it used to.

“I still don’t know who ‘Soul’ is, really. What made the difference between how I feel now and how I used to feel isn’t having the answer to who I am. It’s just feeling like there is an answer, and like I’m getting closer to it.”

Soul draped some of her chitinous tails over her sibling.

“I still remember how I felt, though. Knowing you have to follow your own path, but feeling like you’re lost in the thicket? Perhaps what you need is to find what your path is in the first place. Even when you haven’t followed your path, it’s a lot easier to breathe when you’re out of the thicket”

Soul closed her eyes, reflecting. “It was Luz we helped me sort out how I felt about my situation. Perhaps I can help you with yours. I don’t really know how, but I don’t think anyone does, really. It just happened once I had someone there to support me.”

Soul took a deep breath, thinking as she did so.

“I won’t leave you lost and alone.”

She smiled. “I’ll be there for you, brother.”

 

[Cresselia92]

Soul took a bite of the cupcake. She closed her eyes, savouring the icing and cake as it dissolved in her mouth.

“Mmm. It tastes like childhood. Familiar and comfortable, like simpler times spent together. Makes me feel nostalgic.”

Petram flashed a small smile. “Ah, yes. Those were quite fun times, huh? Just having little adventures and looking for Chico MooMoo.” He laughed. “Gosh! To think it was just a few months ago…”

Simpler times. Ah, probably one of the things he missed the most about his Vulpix phase. If only he could get back to that, with a carefree mindset and a colorful view of himself. If only.

“I still don’t know who ‘Soul’ is, really. What made the difference between how I feel now and how I used to feel isn’t having the answer to who I am. It’s just feeling like there is an answer, and like I’m getting closer to it.”

Soul draped some of her chitinous tails over her sibling.

“I still remember how I felt, though. Knowing you have to follow your own path, but feeling like you’re lost in the thicket? Perhaps what you need is to find what your path is in the first place. Even when you haven’t followed your path, it’s a lot easier to breathe when you’re out of the thicket.”

In a flash, the jolly memories faded, and he was back to the world of the grownups, of the myriads of thoughts and doubts, of the uncertainty of the future.

And yet, those tails. Those comforting tails. He felt some of the tension leaving him, and his mind lingered on Soul’s words.

What your path is in the first place.

The Ninetales sighed and scratched his cheek with a forepaw. “Yeah, huh. But the deal is that I don’t know what is my path. I mean, I always felt this desire to become a Beacon of Hope, but that is basically a reflection of what Daddy wanted to be.”

He shook his head. “The real question is: is that what I want to be, or a remnant of my nature as a dream incarnate? I don’t have the answer to that yet.”

Soul closed her eyes, reflecting. “It was Luz we helped me sort out how I felt about my situation. Perhaps I can help you with yours. I don’t really know how, but I don’t think anyone does, really. It just happened once I had someone there to support me.”

Soul took a deep breath, thinking as she did so.

“I won’t leave you lost and alone.”

She smiled. “I’ll be there for you, brother.”

Petram stared at Soul, stunned. That word, brother…

Come to think, he always saw Soul as one big and cool sister, back when they didn’t even know they were tied by bloodline. Or, well, darkmatterline?

Regardless, he felt something bright sparking inside of him, and for a moment the black hole inside of his chest seemed to calm down. Slowly, he reached out of Soul and hugged her with his forepaws, shuddering slightly.

“…Thank you,” he muttered, shedding a small tear, “my dear sister…”

 

[Shiny Phantump]

Soul returned Petram's hug. For one long moment, everything was still. Or, everything she was concerned with was still, anyways. The plaza was still moving, but there was no one of concern to her there in that moment.

Then, someone she was concerned with entered her field of view, and the moment of stasis was over. She pulled away from Petram.

"Luz! Hello! I was just talking about the way you helped me. I may look like death, but trust me, I've definitely been doing better since you helped me figure out how I feel."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Luz's ears perked and she looked away from the storefront where she'd been window shopping, and gave her fellow shades a smile and a wave.

"Hey, howdy Soul! And Petram! Didn't see y'all there. Don't sweat yer appearance, there's plenty of 'mon as have a more fearful appearance than that, and none of it fazes this gal."

Luz walked over and offered the pair a high five. Just something that Rocky boy had taught her. Felt good to get a physical affirmation of camaraderie.

 

[Shiny Phantump]

Soul was puzzled. Luz was holding out her hand like she was going to wave, but she wasn't doing it. She seemed to be waiting for a response. Was Soul supposed to react? If so, how? Luz's hand was right at her face level...

She brushed her forehead against Luz's paw in greeting.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Luz held in a squeak of delight at how gosh-darn cute Soul was. Oh, oh, oh bless, oh how sweet, her heart—!

"Uh, it's good to seeya," she said, beaming, and sneaking a little stroke of her friend's head.

She turned to the other fox-shade. "So, Petram. Got troubles on yer mind?"

 

[Cresselia92]

Petram tilted his head, the ear flopping on a side. Was that some custom he wasn’t aware about? Rubbing someone’s head against someone else’s palm?

Well, no matter. He held out his own paw and made a V-sign. Something he picked from the chat rooms he was frequenting.

“Yo, Luz,” he greeted, keeping his voice as even as he could. “Oh, I’m okay. Merely dealing with a grave case of identity crisis.” He choked out a hollow laugh, before rubbing his forepaws together. “Yeah, huh, that…”

His gaze fell on the bag by his side, before extending it toward the Zeraora. “Fancy a cupcake? I baked them this morning.”

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Luz flashed a v-sign back with a grin. "Sure, pal. Let's have one!"

If he didn't want to talk about his troubles to her, that was fine. He might change his mind later, and that was fine too.

"I reckon all us shades have had an identity crisis to contend with by now," she mused. "But mine has certainly come to a middle, at least."

 

[Cresselia92]

Petram stared at Luz for some time, not noticing that the black hole inside of his chest had just grown in size.

“Yeah, I guess. It’s almost like a tradition among shades, it seems. Comparing ourselves to either a side of our hosts or to their acquaintances…”

Once more, his voice faded to silence. Literally and figuratively, his thoughts had restarted eating at him. The hateful glare of Magnificent’s Shadow appeared in his mind.

Daddy didn’t see that glare, back in the Voidlands. He was so lucky. So lucky to not have witnessed emptiness.

“…But not me…”

The black hole inside of his chest exploded, invading the entire upper side of his body. The cosmic destroyer sucked the light out of his eyes and manes, and soon, all what was left of Petram was a black silhouette. His entire being had become more amorphous, as if unable to find a shape that suited him anymore.

Meltdown.

“I have nothing to compare myself to. I have… 𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔫𝔤...”

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Luz watched, both fascinated in her traditional way by anything new and alarming, but also with that tugging, sickening feeling in her core when you're helpless to help someone, you so-called 'hero'.

Well, there was no sense in not trying.

"Petram, darlin'," she said, bending to one knee and reaching out a gentle paw to the opaque blob of tar in front of her. "You settle yerself an' listen t'me, okay?"

There was no telling whether her words would reach Petram, so she kept on.

Y'know, I was tryin' to compare myself to my namesake, so I only went an' took a trip to Spirit's Edge t'speak to the flesh-an'-blood Luz Escarpa. And I met her, sure enough. Spoke to her long enough, too. Ask Cal, she came with me. Well, Luz told me I'm nothin' like her an' never could be."

Luz let those words rest in the air for a moment. They weren't to be skimmed over.

"Now, it's hardly been a minute since then. But d'you see me fallin' apart just 'cause I ain't like my source? An' ain't ya in the company of a gal who weren't any kind of bein' at all fer the first weeks of her life?" Luz gestured to Soul, with a smile for the shade who'd once looked not so very different from how Petram looked now. "There's more t'who y'are than who yer source is. An' from what I can tell, you've been personable enough so far, fella."

Luz clenched a fist, hoping he'd even heard her.

 

[Cresselia92]

There was no way to tell what body gesture Petram was trying to evoke. A stare? A head tilt? A silent sigh? It was all nebulous and perennially shifting.

Black matter evaporated and spilled at the same time, with the only thing that didn’t mutate being the dark egg. A protuberance seemed to reach out for Luz’s paw, but soon that dissolved in thin air.

“But… you had an inspiration to begin with, Luz…”

The voice came out distorted, changing from high-pitched to hoarse at random intervals. Uneven and cracked, and yet he managed to get back what little of Petram he could hold onto.

“You had something to look forward to, even if you ended up taking another path. You had a start…”

The black matter quivered, even if it seemed to tilt slightly toward Soul.

“And she… she took after Mommy… and a parent is… a nice guide, someone who can inspire and help you figure out yourself…”

By then, most of the black matter had disappeared, leaving just a thin line around the stone.

“I… I am a chimera. I don’t have a… a real personality or origin. I am just… a dream, an illusion, a non-existence. I was living… a lie.”

Petram shivered, clearly terrified.

“H-how can I create my own self and find my path if I don’t even have a foundation? How? How do I know if what I’m making is truly me and not just a house of cards made of empty dreams?”

 

[Shiny Phantump]

"It's frightening, isn't it? Who am I is a terrifying question to have to ask yourself. But we persist."

Soul was silently relieved she wasn't wrestling with it herself anymore, but she figured it would be in poor taste to say that Petram in his current condition.

"If what you're making isn't truly you, then it won't persist with you, though. You cannot fill that hole with something that isn't you. If you cover over it, then the nagging of 'Who am I' will continue, like an itch you can't reach. It compels you to keep looking. That's how you know you haven't found it."

She looked over her new form, then looked back at Petram.

"And if you take on an identity that isn't really you, it will unravel itself in time, no matter how you try to make it fit. I know that now. I'm not saying that's what happening to you, only you can know that. What I mean is that you don't have to fear burying yourself in something you later realize to be empty dreams. You will inevitably surface if you try."

Petram's black hole had consumed his Ninetales body. Maybe that was what was happening to him right now. Maybe he wasn't a Ninetales, either.

"Maybe you're not entirely the person you thought of yourself as... I wish I could make that easy for you. I can't. We can support you while you struggle through it, though. You have Luz and I to bounce your thoughts off of. That helps. It's too easy to get lost in your own head when you're alone."

Soul stared into the thin film of shadows around Petram's core with determination in her eyes. She hoped he could see it, and that feeling was contagious. Petram could use some of her strength right now.

"So, gather your willpower and face your Nothing. What is it that stripped you down to this nothingness in the first place? What was it that led you to feel that the person you thought you were was an illusion?"

 

[Cresselia92]

Petram stayed completely silent and immobile while Soul was telling him all those words. It was almost uncanny how she seemed to be describing himself. So, that is what she went through, huh? And yet, she managed to keep a brave face while around him and Ivy, among things.

Oxygen seeped into the dark matter, as Petram tried to focus and think about what happened to lead him to the mess he was now. Everything was so cloudy, but perhaps talking about it would have helped understand himself better.

“Hmm… I’m not sure when these thoughts sprung up, to be fair. I just know that I’ve had a nagging feeling for a long time. From when I was still a Vulpix. One day, I looked at myself, and the only thing I saw was… a caricature.” His voice became low and hoarse. “I realized then that didn’t look like a regular Vulpix. Big head, big eyes, short snout, tiny paws: I was born with a cutesy body. Perhaps forced by Daddy’s subconscious to get a shape and attitude meant to evoke a childlike vibe with a carefree behavior.”

The ball rocked back and forth, while his voice sounded more like Petram. Even though, gone was the cheerfulness in the timbre, replaced by a nostalgic and quiet imitation.

“I kinda miss those times, not gonna lie. I miss not having to deal with these uncomfortable thoughts…” He sighed. “It’s not like I can go back to that era, however. I’m way past that.

“Anyway, things truly changed when I met the rejuvenated Joule, and again when I went after Daddy while he was facing his demons, and again when I evolved, and lastly… w-when I confronted Daddy’s darkest nature and thoughts, in the Voidlands…”

Dark purple flames burned around the stone, and even the black matter seemed to have grown in size. A shivering puddle.

“Those were many small events, but together they created a chain reaction, and, well, here I am now. With these invasive thoughts clouding my mind. Because I realized… the truth about myself.

“I was born… from Daddy’s desires of having a happy and stable family. From his desire to be the father that his own father never was. From his desire to become something that was going to bring him joy, and comfort, and a future. From his wish that he got a pleasant life like his best friend, Firetales. I’m the literal incarnation of everything he wanted to be, but never could.”

The flames dissipated, but when they went out, it could be seen that Petram had taken once more a vaguely fox-like shape. However, he still looked mostly like a ghostly presence, devoid of eyes and life.

“But now, I feel like I’ve outlived my purpose. That I can’t be of any help for Daddy anymore. After all, his spirit is more stable, his nightmares are mostly gone, and his power is slowly growing. What more can I offer?” He shook his head. “And lacking a purpose… made me realize how many chances I have missed during all this time. I… I don’t know what to do anymore. Daddy wants me to be happy and to find something that I can live for. But… I don’t know what to do with myself…”

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Luz blew out air in her best approximation of a low whistle.

"That sure is some heavy thinkin' right there, partner."

She offered a placating paw, comforting Petram by gripping his shoulder. Maybe if she spoke honestly about what resonated with her from what he'd said, she could help.

"I feel a li'l similar, friend. After all, I'm meant t'be what Brisa aspired to, an' now she's surpassed me in personal growth an' such. What am I t'do now? But there's still plenty of work awaitin' the efforts of those with a will t'help out, an' I have a family besides my host. I got you guys an' all the other shades. Even the weirder fellas."

She offered Petram a warm smile. "D'you think y'can latch onto such sentiments as those, darlin'?"

 

[Shiny Phantump]

Soul had never been of critical importance to Celeste, so she had some difficulty relating.

"So, what I'm getting is that, so far, your purpose has been to help your father? If you've accomplished that, then perhaps it's time you learn to live for yourself. For your own sake. No matter how many chances you've missed, there will always be more."

Soul remembered a small, frightened formless shade lying on the floor, trying not to exist... for a long time.

"We can't change what we did with our pasts, but there's always the option to begin living as you wish to today."