Pokémon Blood is Thicker Than Poison

[Sinderella]

HEY BITCH WHAT'S POPPIN'???? I read everything else that I didn't read before. However, I made some nitpicky line edits on my work laptop and now that I'm home, they're not showing up 🤡 Sooooo I'll post those tomorrow LOL

Also I am moderately stoned so if any part of this is incoherent I'm sorry and I will edit it tomorrow

Alright Bar Exam. I'll start with the obvious: Drake is a cunt. But we knew that!

I do kind of feel bad for him in this instance, though. He is so brainwashed it almost hurts to read. The way he has to convince himself that Athos won't kill him if he comes clean about becoming Marcel's informant. To give him credit, his ideas for spinning it as a positive weren't actually all that bad, and honestly kind of clever. But, based on what I know about Athos and what I've read, I know damn well bro is still gonna take it as a slight. Drake compromised us; into the tank with his ass! Drake is so deep into his trauma he doesn't even realize that he has trauma. I want to feel bad but also god he is such a fucking snot.

Knowing what I know about him, too, makes him getting drunk at a bar like he's some 40yo hardened biker just makes me laugh my ass off. He's such a tryhard of a fetus, I hate him

As is everything with you, I knew not to expect that he was going to have any semblance of downtime. You and your whump. And you delivered here; I can tell you had a good time with this. You have a way of describing the nitty gritty in a way that feels visceral. The feeling of the wind being knocked out of you, the feeling of getting smacked so hard you see stars. I felt that shit. For once I don't think bro really deserved it, but I felt it.

I almost went the whole story sympathizing with him, then bro goes on and DRIVES HOME DRUNK. That's the real crime of this chapter. Bad Drake. Marcel would have let him get gutted if he knew, smh my head

Real talk doe, yeah I'm impressed he made it home. Concussion and drunk? Bro is just a Florida driver.

I love when Athos is tender. Really brings out the "I can fix him." I also just love a deplorable asshole who actually cares; so my type.

Speaking of my type: Marcel is so hot. Can he talk to me like he talked to Ira???? /srs

I loved getting to see more of his internal thoughts; this was a great and welcome deviation from the fuckheadery of Drake. I particularly enjoyed getting to see both sides of him here. Acknowledging that Ira is awful but conceding that he didn't need to be tortured really fit my understanding as a big ol' law-abiding goody goody. Then I watched finesse the FUCK out of Drake like an absolute little shit. That just made him infinitely more hot, like oh my god. Bro could be a menace if he wanted to, mmmmmmmmm

I knew it was definitely not going to go as planned, but man, you really handed Marcel's ass to him. Choke on sand, THEN get shot in the chest???? Can you give a bitch a break??? Or a nice hot girlfriend to take care of him in his time of need

I know that's asking a lot of you. Suffice to say that it was also quite good whump. My notes remain. Also REALLY enjoyed the parallel of Drake saving Marcel's ass that time around; love this forbidden trade they have going on here.

I need to preface my thoughts on the beach episode with a tale of dumbassery: I somehow completely glazed over the video you linked, so I went the entire story thinking Drake was walking on like Hollywood Beach, with the waves kinda tickling his feet, and then suddenly a slightly bigger wave rolls in and knocks Drake over a little bit and suddenly he's literally dying. Like I was picturing them having this deep, near-death struggle in like less than a foot of water, on unmoving sand, and was like "what the fuck is going on in here on this day"

Then I saw the video and actually remembered what undertows are capable of and it suddenly made sense. Yeah if Drake can't swim AND has an innate fear of water (thanks Athos!), the way everything played out definitely makes more sense. Woops.

I will say, however, the first few descriptions of the waves kinda made it seem like the waves were pretty calm for the most part (like barely touching his boot and whatnot), so the sudden switch kinda caught me off guard. I feel like if a wave that intense is rolling in, its been building up for a bit, so I'd maybe try to be a little clearer that shit was swelling up and Drake was just like "well that sign can't stop me cuz i can't read"

I particularly enjoyed this snippet. I love the concept that Drake has already started to break away from the Swords and is being a little more domestic with Marcel but he's STILL acting like a fuck. I also enjoy that it didn't really end on a particularly good note. Not a horrible one per se, but one that definitely doesn't feel great. There wasn't really a resolution, just a kind of mutual defeat. It kinda makes it clear that Drake still has a lot of growing to do, even if he has started to break away from his bad influences. Tasty shit.

As for the last two shorties, I actually did read these--I believe you sent them over in a Google doc a while back. I still love them as much as I did when I read them back then. Athos is a psycho, yes, but the real villains of this fic are Drake's parents. Drake FOR SURE has some unchecked ADHD, borderline personality disorder, or at the very least, ODD, and instead of putting him in fucking therapy and trying to get to the root of his bullshit, they just ABANDON HIM. I mean, yeah, he was a dickhead even back then, but he was 11. He needed professional help then, and now he DEFINITELY needs help now. That neurospiciness is OUT👏OF👏CONTROL👏 and I do understand why he ended up where he did.

Like I said, I have line edits that aren't transferring over and any very very nitpicky crit I had is in there--it's mostly just wonky sentences and typos, tbh.

Gud fic write more beotch. Shmell ya l8r 🫶

 

[Sinderella]

Your line-by-lines:

Except given he could barely see straight, much less think straight, he didn't like his odds.

Comma between straight and much

Beardy didn't.

SHEESH, good line

Shouts of fear and annoyance from other bar patrons, and a snatch of conversation from Beardy and his friends.

This sentence felt a little out of place where it was; like it was kind of incomplete? So I'd try to reword it a lil

The last thing he needed was Marcel's help, or anyone's for that matter.

Apostrophe on anyone's

To his dismay, Marcel showed no signs of moving,

Daddy behavior

Half-sprinting, half-stumbling, he crossed the last few yards to his bike. He threw his leg over the seat, gunned the engine, and didn't look back.

DRUNK DRIVING??????? SIR

"Drake." A voice cut through the dark and the quiet, and Drake spun to face the room. Silhouetted in the door stood Athos.

Drake's stomach dropped. A thousand thoughts ran through his muddled mind. All he could manage to do was stare blankly at Athos.

Don't need to mention his name again in the second line; reads a lil wonky

"Drake, what happened?"

Comma after Drake

but last he was aware, the project was stopped.

Comma after project

But if criminals in Orre got their hands on that... But it was a good clue.

Back to back "but's" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) makes this line read a little wonky

Charpotle.

I could KILL YOU, why is this so good

Even trying to go back to Ira didn't give him anything; he'd left against orders not too long after Marcel's visit.

The comma after anything should be a semi colon

Keeping alert, Marcel carefully made his way down the dune. He trusted Scorch fully, but if someone was here, they could be hidden. Moving slowly, he slid down the dune and crossed to the ruins.

Repetition of mentioning him going down the dune is redundant

a four-walled building that still had most of its roof.

Hyphenate four-walled

Peering closer, Marcel noted a large box positioned beside the man, his hand resting on the box.

The second "on the box" could just be "it"

. The ground under Marcel's feat softened abruptly,

*feet

No no no- Scrambling madly he fumbled for his now submerged pokeballs. Scorch shrieked overhead. Thick sand sucked at him, pulling him deeper, the weight pressing in on his hands, around his pokeballs. They wouldn't work underground as a failsafe—he had to get to them or his team would be trapped and he would be trapped, alone.

He grabbed two pokeballs, heaving to pull his arms free, sand oozing up to his stomach, nearing his chest. With each breath, the sand sucked tighter around him. He yanked his arms free with a panicked grunt and threw the balls as far as he could manage. Loaf and Coda emerged, yards away at the edge of the pit, crying out in distress when they saw him.

He was already scrambling for the two pokeballs in the first paragraph so you don't need to mention it again

It closed around him like a vice

Did you mean "vise"? (I know vice is the British spelling for vise but just wanted to make sure that was intended)

"Don't play stupid, it fits you too well."

READ HIM TO FILTH MARCEL

Linoone, Makuhita and Watchog and Liepard emerged.

Bolded and should be a comma, I think

a loud bang echoed as something struck him in the chest and threw him off his feet.

YOU ASSASSINATED MARCEL??????????????

Somewhere beyond the alley's exit a shout sounded, and the sounds of a skirmish. A tense silence fell across the alley.

I'd use a different word than "sounds" so it's not as repetitive

"Wherever it is, it's no good. Porygon fried it beyond recognition." he managed a grin at the thought.

Apostrophe in "it's"

Curiosity drew him ever forward, compelled to get a better look. He spotted a large sign just off to the side, text all in bold font and painted bright yellow and black. Shoving his chilly hands in his pockets, he ambled towards it, leaning closer and squinting.

He rolled his eyes after skimming the sign. Something about 'waves' and 'undertow' and DANGER except the water was clearly pretty tame this morning. Besides, he wanted to get a closer look. With a final glance behind him to see that Marcel was nowhere to be seen, he started forward again, towards the water.

Already mentioned that he wanted a closer looks so no need to mention again

It was strangely separate from anything happening back... in Orre, from any problems.

The ellipses here just felt a tad out of place

I'll be better, I promise!"

Comma after better

"I-i-I'm sorry!

Caps that I

"Th Swords are-" he gagged,

*The

Drake couldn't feel anything, but it was a start, he was sure.

Still trembling, he tried to check for a pulse, but his fingers were too numb to feel anything.

Just different wording for that second "feel anything"

"Then why did you save me!"

Question mark?

Probably they’d get frantic, panic.

Comma should be a semi colon I think

 

[Dragonfree]

Chapter 1

“None of your business,” Drake snarled. Now that he had gotten a better look he recognized one of them. Ira, who’d perched himself on his back.

Wait, how can he see the guy who's perched on his back while he's pinned to the ground face-down? Unsure if I'm picturing this weirdly or what.

Jolteon hissed. Its hackles rose and he could see it prepping another charge of electricity. Drake tensed reflexively, heart racing. It took another step towards him, fury in its gaze over its master being insulted. One step too close. On a wild impulse, Drake threw himself forward and kicked the Jolteon as hard as he could, sending it rolling across the cave floor before it could attack.

Ira leapt after his Jolteon, dropping to his knees by its side where it’d stopped. Drake’s breath caught in his throat. A slew of curses ran through his head. He’d bought himself a tiny reprieve, but at what cost? The blow wouldn’t actually hurt a pokemon, they were way too tough for any actual damage. All he’d done was incur Ira’s wrath.

A moment later the Jolteon’s eyes flicked open. It blinked once, then twice, and turned its gaze upon him. Ira held up a hand, and Jolteon relaxed slightly. Slowly, Ira rose and turned, cold eyes devoid of all his earlier amusement.

Really enjoy Ira, this fucked-up torturer, obviously loving his Pokémon, leaping to make sure it's not hurt, determined to get even nastier revenge afterwards. Bad people who still experience love and show the sorts of emotions we associate with heroes? Mmmm, give it to me.

The only thing Drake saw was the glint of the Zangoose’s claws. Then they were embedded in his left shoulder. He stared dumbly at the Zangoose, its claws, and the red splotch growing under his jacket. Sparks gathered around Zangoose’s paw. Somewhere in the haze of thoughts running through his mind, he remembered Zangoose could also learn Thunderbolt.

At sunhigh

I see you Warriors fan

He chittered in satisfaction. Rule one of the desert. Always strike first.

Absolutely loving the parallel you're doing with the rules of the streets that the human gangs live by and the rules of the desert Salandit lives by. 10/10, no notes.

Revaroom

Revavroom is a weird name - it has a second v there so it's Reva-vroom.

To his relief, his backpack lay nearby too. Clearly whoever had saved him also had some decency he guessed, they hadn’t robbed him blind. Dummy.

Drake pressed his ear to the door and closed his eyes, listening. Nothing. Moving delicately, he crept over to the desk and slid the drawers open. Maybe they held a clue as to who'd rescued him... Or something he could snag on his way out. No sense returning home empty handed.

I enjoy how Drake casually thinks of how whoever saved him as having some decency because they didn't rob him... but also thinks they're a dummy for that, and one of his first thoughts is to rob the person who saved him, even before he learns they're a cop. It's a dog-eat-dog world and while it is kinda scummy to rob people, it's just what you do. Not a single hesitation in his mind.

Either this guy was super into minimalist loser or he was a terrible interior decorator.

It feels like there's something off with this sentence - super into minimalist loser?

This first chapter had exactly what I wanted from this: good character establishment for Drake, establishing of the layer of Situations he finds himself in, and of course lots of whump. I enjoyed the variety of different whump you got in here without it becoming contrived in the setting; there's tension and fear, physical bullying, getting beaten up by a rival gang, 'drugging' with Spore, two different varieties of electric torture, stumbling around bleeding, collapsing and delirium, imperfect magical healing, and parental figure abuse. Glorious! Indulge in that whump!

But there is more going on here too. Drake's relationship with Athos is deliciously fucked-up; the way that the sound of Athos's voice sends both relief and fear through him says a lot immediately upon his introduction. Calling the gang a family is insidious; he makes himself a father figure to all these troubled kids to control them better, make them fear disappointing him not just for his wrath but for their own perception that they're failing their own family. Athos alternately praising Drake, calling him son, and physically abusing him, all while Drake is convinced anything Athos does to him is his own fault, is truly painful. Immediately there's a strong sense of the toxicity of this dynamic, and we want Drake to get away from here, while we also know that he would only be dragged away from there kicking and screaming. It's uncomfortable in just the right way.

The way Athos tells Drake he did a good job with the stuff he stole and yet he still punishes him, just as a matter of principle - not even with some cursory slap, but by choking him, throwing him across the room, socking him in the jaw, kicking him, just an absolutely brutal unhinged beating - is so nasty; there's just no way for Drake to win here, no way to make up for the failure of having the bad luck to encounter a Crimson Zangoose and then be rescued by a cop while unconscious, even though he stood up under torture and collected new loot to compensate for what was lost. Man.

But also, I thought the Salandit POV was delightful! I don't think I was expecting that here, but it's xenofictiony while also building a distinct parallel to Drake and I love that. Salandit is used to having his food taken by Salazzle and hangs out in this cave to get away from all that, doesn't want to be concerned with humans and views the whole thing with a certain detachment, but can't help but empathize with this kid who's being tortured, think of how some humans were as mean as a Salazzle. Admiring Drake's defiance when he's losing the fight is great; he's used to getting out of a fight at all costs, and Drake's bluster is counterproductive but Salandit just sees a kind of bravery that he's always wished he had as a small Pokémon relentlessly bullied by others. His 'laws of the desert' echoing Drake's 'laws of the street' are a cherry on top.

(Also, I enjoy that Salandit knows the word stalagmite but Drake doesn't.)

All in all, I enjoyed reading this a lot. Marcel remains offscreen, but even then his presence is tangible in the kindness of not just taking Drake to a hospital but personally tending to him a bit, hanging up his jacket where he'll find it, etc. I'm looking forward to meeting him properly and how that will play out - obviously I doubt Marcel's actually getting him away from Athos any time soon, but I'm betting he's going to try.

Thanks for a lovely whumpy read!

 

[Dragonfree]

Chapter 2

The pokeball on his ankle clip twitched, and then burst open. The light faded and his Dachsbun, Loaf, appeared at his side, tense and ready to spring into action. Marcel leaned down to pat Loaf on the head. All his standard issue pokeballs were equipped with an emotion sensor, in case of danger and Loaf had always been the first to respond.

Interesting Pokéball worldbuilding

Loaf shot him a pointed look, and Marcel nodded, making a beeline for the bedroom and to his safe. With a sinking heart, he opened it to find it empty. All Marcel could manage was a long sigh as he slumped to the ground in front of it. His heart lurched and for a moment, he feared everything had been stolen, before he spotted the single photograph haphazardly jammed in the back.

With a sigh of relief, he slid it out. His heart twisted as it always did when he looked at it. It showed two grinning officers in training gear, arms around each other’s shoulders and an Alolan beach behind them. The picture had been taken a few years ago, at a training camp he’d attended with his partner. Swallowing, he put the photo back in the empty safe and shut it.

Ohoho, I smell angst

After thanking Coda again, she returned to her ball to rest, as did Loaf, leaving Marcel alone for the moment. Shaking his head, he sighed deeply, then looked around until he located his cuffs. How had the thief escaped them? He examined them closer, noting the tiny cuts around the lock. Picked? Marcel frowned. He’d searched the thief fairly thoroughly and checked all his pockets and his ankles and boots. Where had he hidden a pick?

Enjoy the dramatic irony of the shifting POVs in this story - lots that we know but Marcel doesn't, by now.

As he flopped onto his worn couch, which he’d gotten at a discount to avoid the hassle and fees of cross-region furniture transport, a beep from his phone drew his attention. He withdrew it to see Porygon bouncing excitedly between the 4 corners of the screen. “I got something!” It buzzed.

I just enjoy the portrayal of Porygon here as an actual virtual buddy living within the digital world of the phone. Bouncing between the corners of the screen is just a cute image.

I wasn't expecting Marcel POV here, but it was fun to get a different perspective - the dramatic irony of knowing a lot more about Drake than Marcel does, and just a different perspective on the world of Orre as you're portraying it here. I'm guessing Marcel's old partner Leo died tragically back in Paldea and that's possibly why he wound up in Orre (unless we got some indication otherwise somewhere in there, apologies if I miss anything because I my reading gets interrupted by Caterpie a lot). Definitely material for more angst on his side in the future (or a flashback chapter?).

This was obviously a much less whump-heavy chapter than the previous, but you still got some in here with Drake slashing Marcel with the poisoned blade. Poisoning for everyone! It's ambiguous where Salandit was during the arrest, but one way or another he's loyal enough to make sure to come save him from sticky situations, which is sweet. Also a fun detail how the poison on the blade is specifically nonlethal; Drake doesn't want to kill his enemies, no matter how tough of a facade he puts on.

I was sort of surprised Drake ended up accepting the deal, but I imagine he's planning to use it to stab Marcel in the back or mislead him rather than actually betray Athos, isn't he. There will be many more Situations resulting from this, I'm sure.

One thing I enjoyed a lot here was Marcel's Pokémon. They have cute names, for one (Loaf), but I'm also just enjoying how they're portrayed - coming out of the ball to help when Marcel is in distress, Scorch responding to discreet hand signals, waking up after being poisoned to his team close by, Loaf on his lap and Coda draping around his neck. They feel very tactile and present here and that's just fun to see. Knowing Coda would be pretty mad about having healed Drake only for him to rob them and leave was a nice touch, too. I hope Marcel's team continues to play a significant role.

Either way, looking forward to seeing more of Drake and Marcel. I'm going to check out the next installment too since it looks like it's a short one...


Bar Exam

Drake swallowed another gulp of the beer, savoring the buzz that came. He studied the lines on the countertop for what had to be the hundredth time, then took another long gulp, only to realize halfway through that the glass was empty.

Muttering empty curses under his breath, he fished out a handful of cash from his pocket, slid it across the bar, and grabbed the bottle the bartender gave him in return. He paused, glancing at the three empty bottles beside him, then shrugged it off.

Drake being Fine, I see.

Athos and the Swords were family. They'd understand. He nodded to himself. After all, he'd been in a tough spot after getting caught. It had been that deal or prison, and it wasn't like he'd rat on the Swords. Just other gangs. He nodded to himself again. "Yeah... not so bad."

Drake, honey, no. Athos will not understand any of this. He will beat you into a goddamn pulp.

"I'll spin this," he mumbled, the words feeling heavy in his mouth. "Yeah... use Marcel to get information." Athos would be proud. He smiled to himself. Maybe he'd even head back now and explain everything. As his thoughts looped, picturing Athos's proud smile and Victore seething about it, he sipped at his drink, enjoying the reprieve from his darker thoughts and anxieties.

Definitely, definitely going to be proud and happy about this :copyka2:

A crooked grin like a mightyena worked its way across Beardy's face. "Yeah I know you. You're a mukin' Sword of Justice."

"Mukin'" as a substitute for fucking is sending me

The grip on his arm tightened, and Drake resisted the urge to flinch. I'm safe. He tried to reassure himself. Most of the smaller gangs or angry thieves or criminals knew better than to harass a sword. A Seviper or a Zangoose you could get away with, but Athos protected his own, and anyone on the streets knew that.

Beardy didn't.

Very fun to see Drake's fear here, reassuring himself that the gang is meant to make him safe from being assaulted at a bar, because Athos is protecting him - only, of course, it's actually making him a target, and Athos assaults him himself. You can see how he's turned this around in his head and believes the family protects him and gives him safety.

His thoughts muddled and he struggled to try and compose himself. Suddenly that fourth bottle seemed like a bad idea. Maybe on a good day he could handle them enough to escape. Stay... calm. Right. Watch their moves... Watch

The ringing in his ears was still going.

And then suddenly, Beardy made a snide comment he missed, Snealface smirked and replied, and then Beardy charged.

The portrayal of how out of it he is is very good here, I think. He's trying very hard to be alert and pay attention but he can't even register what they're saying.

From the corner of his eye, he spotted Marcel, still by the alley entrance, who spun to look at him. For a split second, their eyes met. He saw Dachsbun tense as if about to attack. And then he swore Marcel made a motion as if calling it off. Drake didn't bother waiting. Half-sprinting, half-stumbling, he crossed the last few yards to his bike. He threw his leg over the seat, gunned the engine, and didn't look back.

Yet somewhere inside he couldn't shake the feeling Marcel had let him go on purpose. He hadn't truly escaped. What if Marcel never came at all? The thought burned a hole in Drake's stomach.

Definitely not rescued by the cop again! Don't think about it!

Drake jumped at the voice then relaxed. From the shadows emerged Del, one of their scouts. Probably on guard duty. He was one of the younger Swords members, a half year older than Drake himself.

So Drake is one of the youngest, then, if even half a year older is one of the younger ones. Not too surprising.

"You look terrible," he remarked. He moved beside Drake to support him, and Drake gratefully leaned against him. With one arm around Drake, Del started into the base. "Athos was really worried about you," he added.

Instantly Drake's stomach twisted into knots and he felt like throwing up. "He was? Wh-why?"

Del gave him a puzzled look. "Well you didn't come home at the usual hour, obviously. What happened?"

"Oh right... ran into some 'friends'," he muttered. Just regular concern then. At least Athos hadn't somehow found out about Marcel yet.

Oh boy. That moment when the thought of your father figure worrying about you is actually terrifying! Normal ways to feel about good and non-toxic father figures!

His chest hurt too much and he didn't need to deal with an infection from the cut on his arm.

Not sure if I'm reading this wrong somehow; he didn't need to deal with the infection?

Through hazy vision, he watched Athos, who loomed behind Elias. Athos looked... worried? He felt bad, making Athos worry about him. But at the same time it felt oddly nice. Athos had always taken care of him. Maybe telling him about Marcel would be fine. Maybe he'll kill Marcel. The thought slithered into his mind and a prickle of unease sparked in him.

Ooof. This boy is so starved for affection, clings to Athos's unexpected concern and care. And even then he realizes Athos is a deeply violent man who is liable to murder people he'd rather not have murdered.

A heavy hand gently shaking his shoulder stirred him from his stupor. He looked over to see the room had changed. Athos had brought him to his own bunk at some point...? His voice was soft and gentle when he spoke. "Rest, Drake. I'll see you in the morning."

Drake managed a tired smile before he gave himself over fully to his exhaustion.

Everything would be fine tomorrow.

Everything will be absolutely fine!

I enjoyed this installment a lot; short and sweet, but very effective whump writing, and some delicious issues about Athos and the Swords coloring it all. I'm always here for a guy with a lot of contradictory emotions going on getting drunk and suffering greatly. Drake's beginning to feel some kind of way about Marcel repeatedly trying to help him, and I'm sure this is only going to help him feel better about everything that will happen from here.

Athos is all concern and no violence here, but the way Drake reacts is so telling; he compulsively expects violence, punishment, something awful, especially when he himself believes there's something he's very guilty of. He's terrified Athos will punish him if he learns about Marcel, only then as soon as he's managed to find his way around to maybe he won't (everything will be fine19, he just realizes he might kill Marcel instead, and has to grapple with that thought not being great, either. I'm sure Drake is going to be extremely fine about this.

Lots of delicious suffering all in all! I'll be moving on to other things for the last bit of Blitz, I think, but this was a great time and I will definitely come back to it.