Pokémon A Mew Me: Kuki's Tale [DISCONTINUED]

[zion of arcadia]

Hey, Adam! I'll be reviewing the first chapter for catnip circle. The opening is very cute, and the ending rather foreboding. I already have some idea of what'll happen since I looked over later chapters, but still, I can't believe you'd even think about being so mean to two sweet little muffins. >:(

I really liked how you opened the story with Mew as a leavanny. It's a clever misdirect--honestly, I almost wish you'd run with the misdirect longer, revealing Mew's true nature around the same time the farmer shows up accusing them of stealing. Also felt she appeared very abruptly, speaking as a leavanny and almost creating the sense that she popped into existence then and there. Regardless, it's a solid way to establish Mew's powers as well as their relationship.

The thing I found most interesting was how the relationship is reversed compared to what we often see in Mew stories. Here, Mew has taken up a motherly role for the human, a child named Kuki. Kind of a subtle meta shift and one I'm curious to see more of--I like the idea of using the setup to explore motherhood. A lot of pop culture has written about the protective mother (Joyce from Stranger Things being a well-known example) and sort of push them to see what lengths they take for the sake of their child. Definitely want to see more of how you approach this aspect.

I thought the banter between Mew and Kuki was solid. Even though Mew takes up the role of a parental figure here, there's still something about her speech patterns and actions that feel rooted in whimsical childhood innocence. Like when they're eating the berries together, for example, and Mew 'threatens' to eat all the food because she has a big stomach. I'm not sure if that's Mew humoring Kuki or if they actually share a similar mindset, although I assume that'll become more clear further down the line. Either way, I dig it so far.

My only mild concern from a character perspective is that Kuki might end up leaning too hard into the idea of the 'pure, innocent child' archetype. I don't think it matters too much for an opening chapter, but it is something to keep an eye on in the future. Children are messy and experience complex emotions, they just haven't developed the means to necessarily understand those emotions like an adult can.

Hope the Lotus Prince becomes a recurring motif in the story. Think there's a lot of potential to draw parallels between what's happening in the real world and what's happening in the show. Grounding that in the kite and making it a focal point of the chapter was smart, as it gives the characters something to do together. Plus it's just... pleasant. That's my overall perception of this chapter. Pleasant. Except for the end. Seems like foreshadowing that bad things, they are a-coming. Protect Kuki at all costs. :(

Hmm, thoughts on prose. Some of the dialogue could've been streamlined; there were some unnecessary dialogue tags and even actions that could've been cut to just let the dialogue stand on its own. Especially since there are only two characters talking for a majority of the chapter.

Sometimes your prose is a touch repetitive. An example:

When Kuki turned her gaze, she saw a pink light orb facing her. She squinted her eyes at it, tilting her head and wondering what it was. She felt a familiar warmth, drawing her closer to it. When she touched it, it dissolved into her body, making her body radiate a pink glow.

This is all being filtered through Kuki's consciousness (she turned, she saw, she felt, etc.). By varying the subject of the sentence--which is certainly possible even if you're strictly keeping to Kuki's pov--you can inject more variety into the sentences themselves. Did a quick re-write to demonstrate what I mean:

A pink orb faced her. What could it be? A familiar warmth radiated from it, and as Kuki reached out with a hand, it dissolved, the warm light spreading across her body.

That's about all I have to say. Thanks for the read! And have a good day. :)

 

[MidnightMutetation]

[Chapter 1 Review]

Hello, hello Adam! I’ve been meaning to review this for a while, but never got around to it until now, so sorry about that!

I’ll start on specific parts of this chapter before moving on to my overall thoughts:

• Kuki’s already super adorable right off the bat. Her thoughts, her dialogue, her gestures is realistic for a child of her “age” (I’m guessing she’s pretty young), not to mention that they do a fantastic job of highlighting her age without explicitly mentioning so in narration, so props to you on that!

• I know you got some criticism on how Mew was introduced, but I personally liked it because it reminds me of how some TV shows and comics do the reveal of the “shapeshifting character”: have the characters chat for a bit, then the shapeshifter casually transforms at the side while the others barely give them a second glance. I may be biased on this, but I do think that it’s a great way to introduce a Mew that Kuki is already familiar, and therefore wouldn’t give special attention to Mew’s transformations, if that makes sense ^^;

• Kuki’s reaction to her lost hat made me ‘aw’ a bit : (

• Okay, I initially found Mew’s “You oughta be more careful” to be a tad odd on the first read, but then I realised that Mew must’ve been referring to being careful when *escaping*, rather than being careful when stealing food (since I assume that both Mew and Kuki agreed to go steal those berries in the first place).

• Not gonna lie, I’m kinda sad that the name *isn’t* Lotad Prince :(

• Jesus, that took a mother-of-all sharp turns at the end with the night mare sequence.

And that’s about all of the specific parts I wanted to mention. Overall, I adore this as a character-driven chapter filled to the brim with adorable interactions between Kuki and Mew, but also the little bits of what seems to be plot hints nearer to the end of the chapter. Sure, not much plot happens otherwise, but I personally feel that the entertaining banter and little moments between human and pokémon (like the show marathon!) more than make up for it. Plus, what little plot there was (mostly in the dream sequence) was beautifully descriptive, like the writhing chains or the crumbling cloud tops... Gah, I just really love it to bits! 8D

I haven’t found any SPaG errors that others haven’t found already (which you’ve already fixed by now, I’m sure), and if I’m being honest, I don’t notice any major flaws or mistakes I can criticise. It’s a hell of a solid first chapter :wigglyyell:

I apologise if this review comes off as more gushing than actually constructive (feel free to let me know if it is), but I still hope you’ll find this alright. I’ll review the next chapter soon, but until then, keep up the great work!

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Hi there, Adam! I've just finished reading the second chapter of this fic, and I have some loosely assembled thoughts. You asked me to comment on narrative structure, prose, dialogue and stuff like that.

I can't say I have strong instincts for narrative structure, but I have two particular observations for this chapter. Firstly, that Kuki's expressed desire is essentially to be able to take on other identities. To transform herself. Although the premise of the story is already known, it still feels like a fun spot of foreshadowing. I find myself wondering how Kuki will take the transformation given that, contrary to my original expectations in the first chapter, it is coming as a response to terminal illness and through a possible sacrifice from Mew (?) as opposed to a form of benign prank by Mew. I'm guessing the tone for her experience post-transformation will be much less playful, gosh.

My second narrative observation is that the transition from innocent joy to mortal crisis is pretty abrupt. Now, I have a thought on this, which I'll offer to you in the hope you find it helpful or at least interesting. In the current continuity of the story, Mew already knows about the leukemia. There's a little flashback in which it's explained to her, and this is the third time she's attempted to postpone Kuki's death. One might suppose that it would be weighing on Mew's mind in chapter one, that it might make Mew the clingy one, if she knew there was a chance Kuki could die any time Mew wasn't present to save her.

Here's a possible alternative — if Kuki's condition comes as a surprise to Mew, who perhaps has been boosting her poor health in a general sense without understanding the severity at hand, then you have an opportunity to deliver Mew's frantic reaction to the news in the same dramatic scene that she fucks up Kuki's healing. Mew learns of the crisis as the reader does. If you do decide to make edits (which you don't have to do by any means, but you do keep mentioning them) then that might be one relatively minor change you could make.

The prose and dialogue this chapter was perfectly alright, with consistent voices for the different characters and good description and character action for me to follow. On a technical level, your proficiency is good. I didn't notice any particular tics or errors. The most I spotted was a typo of "Genger" near the beginning, nothing more. As before, Kuki talks like someone half her age, but to be honest it reads like Mew's parenting style (being incredibly indulgent, sheltering her far more than a reasonable human would) is responsible for her childish lexical register.

It sort of hit me when Mew responds to a bout of pouting with an offer of an ice cream bribe, and is reluctant to have an oven, that she's basically an ignorant child herself with no business raising a human girl. Does Kuki not eat any cooked meals? Holy shit. Never mind the cancer, it's a wonder her diet hasn't killed her already! As much as this explains why Kuki is a teenage infant, it does cast Mew as hugely irresponsible, which isn't a problem so much as it is anxiety-inducing. It does check out that Mew would self-sacrifice for the kid, at least, since her parenting style is so excessively adoring.

I hope you get something useful or reassuring out of the above, and I look forward to reading further in due time. Cheers!

 

[kintsugi]

ahhh, a new chapter! There's a lot of delicious stuff in here. I really liked the last half of the chapter, where Kuki revisits her plays/creative works to try to center herself and find out what she wants--it speaks a lot to the power of art as a means of understanding those hard conflicts inside of ourselves that we can't put a non-fictional emotion to. It's also really neat to see callbacks to the plays, all of the cute details that Kuki weaves into them, how they reflect how she used to see the world. Do we shape art or does our art shape us? It's a really lovely theme to dive into via a fic about literal transformation, and it was great to have a chapter where Kuki gets to properly reflect on all the strange things that have happened to her.

In the few weeks since Kuki’s new life began, Mew had taken the time to teach Kuki how to master her all-new abilities. The first thing Kuki had to learn was the various forms of telekinesis, and she came up with a good training exercise to help Kuki get the hang of it.

Her task was to make sure none of the rings touched their poles even once while she moved them from one end of the poles to the other, else she’d have to start the exercise over from the beginning. The exercise had been fairly difficult the first couple times. Mangled poles and rings were strewn about the courtyard from her previous attempts in the past week.

A really fun detail! This reminds me of a lot of rehab games for stroke patients who are trying to get used to working their bodies again. I agree that the text in the first quote could've been cut and instead we just start with Mew teaching Kuki how to master her abilities, since that fact becomes immediately obvious once the scene starts.

tv

TV

I dunno if there's a convention for if you capitalize this or not--I think usually it's capitalized? But I would at least pick one and be consistent.

‘You’ll get used to it sooner or later. Come on, the food isn’t gonna eat itself, Kuki,’ Mew said with a giggle, hovering an oran in front of Kuki’s face to tease her.

I thought this was a really interesting concept, since a lot of human socialization is tied to who has food, let's eat food together, come eat my food--but for immortals who don't need it, do they still have that innate urge to use eating as a social pasttime? It's kind of interesting to think that Mew is imitating human/mortal culture because that's just a thing you Do, but I also didn't really follow why she felt the need to go out and get more food since neither of them need it now?

The more special a pokemon is, the more they’d want to reach and hold onto them all for themselves.

Team Rocket subplot when???
The "they/them" flips here confused me a bit since you use it to refer to both special pokemon and humans.

Kuki closed her eyes and recalled the time they were performing Northwind Witch. Mew had set up a snowy landscape illusion, and Kuki played a witch on a journey to bring the last flame to her people so they could have warmth again.

Odd. Kuki couldn't remember what her witch outfit during the play was, and she'd also forgotten what happened after the witch brought the last flame home. She shrugged then turned her face back to the notebook.

Ahhh! The play concept is really cute. Your italics drop off on the letters "ch" in "Northwind Witch" for some reason. Feels very Kiki's Delivery service, lol.

The fading memories is a really interesting concept--helps us drive home the idea that she's not really her old self any more, that there's both a physical and a mental barrier between who she was and who she is. I thought this was undercut a bit by the flashback to Mew transforming into a pidove, since I didn't quite get why that memory stuck out so firmly and so clearly (with multiple lines of quoted dialogue, etc) while this one did not.

To begin her experiment, Kuki decided to keep things simple by transforming into a pokemon she was already familiar with. What if she turns into Mew?

oof! Black humor! I like how this is her first thought since it suggests that she doesn't instinctively think of herself as like Mew still.

What was going on? She sort of felt it before, but it was like all of her memories were shrouded in a blurred out filter. She could recall whole events, but it was as if she herself was never in any of them. Even when Kuki tried remembering her own face, nothing surfaced in her mind. It was like imagining a color that doesn’t exist.

The ending here is really strong to me. In Chapter 3 we don't really get to see much of Kuki's thoughts. Chapter 4 was an interesting exercise in denial and Kuki looking at all of the new things in her life and just sort of ... pushing them gently somewhere else. I like how you pace the breakthrough in this one, how she can't really keep up that act forever, and how revisiting her works of fiction requires her to look at the lies she's been telling herself in reality--some really good payoff where the shoe finally drops!

 

[Starlight Aurate]

Hello hello hello! Funny story: I looked back at our old Serebii profiles and saw that you and I had reviewed each others fics years ago XD But since you dropped such a nice little review of my fic here, I decided to come and do the same for you!

Even though I barely remember the previous version, it's apparent you made a lot of changes: Yveltal instead of Ho-Oh being one of them. I think cutting to Mew seeing Kuki dying in the first chapter was more effective than trying to write it from Kuki's perspective. It was quite a gut-punch.

In general, I think you have a number of effective gut-punches in here! I think this stems from the fact that the story itself overall is so cute. Mew is a cute pokemon, Kuki is a cute girl, and the two of them spend their days playing with each other. You do a good job creative a sweet atmosphere and putting in believable dialogue which adds to the heartwarmth. And the cuteness of all this is what makes the tragedy more pronounced. I read the first five chapters and I still don't know where Kuki comes from, but I see that she's a sweet little girl who would just like to live a normal life (at least as normal as one can when they're raised by a Pokemon).

I know you have a lot of peoples' input already, and I don't have too much else to say apart from things people have already said. I noticed you had a few grammar errors but they've already been pointed out by other people. Some things that stuck out to me:

They returned to their room in the lighthouse basement. Mew had brought the ice cream from the refrigerator by the time Kuki was done changing into her normal dress. She added three large scoops into Kuki’s bowl and handed it to her.

Ice cream in a refrigerator? Wouldn't that melt?

‘Don’t be fooled. I have the high ground!’

I know the joke has already been made, but this makes me think of Obi-Wan fighting Anakin :P

Side note: I haven't had sweets for two weeks and man the conversation about ice cream is giving me cravings.

Another side note: really brings to mind uA's comment that Kuki's diet of whatever Mew feeds her (which seems to be ice cream and berries) miiiight be contributing to her repeating untimely deaths. It's also something that paints Mew as irresponsible by not looking at what humans actually NEED to survive, since Mew herself doesn't seem to need to eat.

Come to think of it, the whole interaction between Mew and Uxie shows how emotionally immature (by human standards, at least) Mew is. In spite of Uxie's warnings (and Yveltal's comments before, though he was harsher about it), Mew is doing what she WANTS in spite of what those around her tells her is best. Instead of letting Kuki die naturally, she keeps trying to make Kuki live even though the Pokemon around her are saying that she's not fixing Kuki's problem, only prolonging it/giving her other problems. I think it (possibly unintentionally) showcases the fact that humans are all mortal, and our mortality and the mortality of those around us is something we need to accept and grow with. Mew's refusal to accept it and actively fighting against it could be expected from her immortal nature but it also shows the damage she does to the lives of those around her.

That being said, Mew's reactions don't make this any less sad. The scene where she tried to awaken Kuki from the orb was genuinely sad and had some real gut-punchy stuff for me, especially in a "please don't be dead, please wake up," kind of way.

We meet again, Firstborn, as we always do,’ Yveltal said. What came from their beak was a mismatch of several voices. It was as though they were making a sparse imitation of one.

Giving me 'voice of the Legion' kind of vibes.

Kuki gasped. “What? Wait then how old am I now?!” she counted on her fingers with furrowed brows. "I'm already fourteen… I slept through my birthday!"

Fourteen?! So she was twelve before? I had the mental image of her being like 5 or 7 haha.

Which comes back around to how Mew has been raising her--perhaps she found/captured/took in Kuki when she was about 5 years old and then didn't teach her discipline or maturity and so Kuki hasn't emotionally aged at all under Mew's tutelage.

"Whoa…," Kuki said with starry eyes. "You're like… super ancient!"

lol this reminds me from a time in the anime when Kyogre and Groudon were fighting and everyone kept referring to them as the "super ancient Pokemon," except it sounded a lot more ridiculous when adults were saying it.

The mentions of her being unable to remember certain things makes me wonder if she's slowly forgetting who she was/how things were when she was a human or if she can't remember things from her life before Mew at all.

And that's still been the biggest question on my mind as I read these five chapters: how did Mew and Kuki meet? As a human, Kuki obviously had human parents at some point, though whether she put in an orphanage, abandoned outright, or picked up by Mew in some other way is still a mystery. I don't think it's a bad thing that it hasn't been answered yet, but it's definitely been a hook that has kept my attention all this time! From what we've seen of Mew's personality so far, I could see easily being something construed as innocent--such as taking a dying, cancerous Kuki from the hospital so she could save her life--to causing serious collateral damage--like what would Kuki's birth parents/guardians think of that? How did it hurt them?

All in all, the more I think about and look at this fic, the more I see how much there is to it. By not spelling things outright, you do a good job of leading reviewers to think more critically about characters and their interactions with others. I especially find Mew's motivations intriguing: it could easily be seen as simply wanting to "help" others in her childlike way, but she doesn't realize that not allowing natural order to take place and allowing Kuki to die is causing a lot of damage. Also brings more questions to mind, especially when I consider how old Mew is. She has literally watched the extinction of several species of Pokemon and created new ones. She MUST have seen countless creatures die before her. Why is she so attached to Kuki? Why does she fight so much against the death of this one young girl? Just what is it about Kuki that makes her specifically so special?

I don't know if I'm reading too far into this, but I don't feel like I am. I also appreciate your writing style--the simplicity makes it come across as through the eyes of a child, and I think it's all well done overall! So far, I think this is quite good--you definitely have given readers a lot to think about!

One last thing:

It didn’t work out as well as she’d hoped. Even with all the training she’d done to hone her psionics, guiding a pen tip with enough precision to write small letters was far beyond what she was capable of doing at the time.

Oh geeze. I would cry if I couldn't write anymore!

 

[Pen]

Hey, I'm reviewing for your 10 BLECH point award! I've been meaning to check out this story for a while, so I'm glad the stars aligned this way. The story so far was a fun read and I reached the end of chapter five before I knew it. You've gotten some really great detailed chapter reviews already, so I'll try to offer some overall thoughts and reactions, rather than doing line-by-lines.

So, I'm super into stories that deal with characters who are trying to go against fate/the laws of nature and I didn't realize when I started that Kuki's Tale is one of them! I got really excited when Yveltal turned up and I understood just what was going on with Mew and Kuki. It reminds me a bit of a Terry Pratchett book, Mort, in which a young man becomes Death's apprentice and then attempts to prolong the life of someone fated to die. Obviously, this has consequences. I'm curious to see what the other shoe dropping in this story will look like--Yveltal and Uxie have definitely been giving Mew a lot of warnings (not that she's listened). I liked your depiction of Yveltal--the way you described their voice as this patchwork was very ominous. It evoked the image of a body made from dead parts for me and made me wonder if those scattered voices are voices of the dead. I also appreciated that you didn't really make Yveltal a villain, just a natural antagonist as Mew attempt to subvert the laws of death.

Speaking of Mew, I often see Mew written with a very childish personality, so it's interesting to see a fic where Mew is put into the role of guardian and parent. Not to say that your Mew doesn't retain those childish aspects, but there's definitely a tension created by Mew having to be the "mature" one in the relationship. Certainly, in contrast with Uxie, Mew comes across as somewhat young and brash, despite having lived so long. You've been pretty strong hinting at Mew's tragic previous experience failing to save some one? Lots of some ones? Curious to see what revelation is in store there. It doesn't sound like it ended well--it also doesn't sound like Mew took any lessons from it.

I'm quite curious as to how Mew became Kuki's parent, and how early in her life that happened. Kuki seems attached to human pop culture and to the idea of being human--is the pop culture her only frame of reference, a la the child? The last chapter in particular focuses strongly on the idea that Kuki is losing her humanity. That's a really cool theme to explore, but with the information we have so far, I was left wondering what humanity really means to Kuki. Kuki's main connection to humanity seems to be expressed through her desire to be an actor and make movies. (That actually reminds me of another story I really enjoyed--the movie Brigsby Bear! It's about a boy who is kidnapped and raised in isolation with only a TV show called Brisgby Bear to watch. I'd recommend if you haven't seen it--it's a moving story about the power of fandom to get people through trauma.) But, if Kuki becomes good enough at illusions and whatnot, she could theoretically pass herself off as a human and achieve these kinds of goals on the surface level. I also got the implication that Kuki took on a form like Mew's because she chose to--that the genesis power Mew unwittingly gave Kuki reshaped her according to Kuki's subconscious desire to be like Mew. I'm excited to see how future chapters interrogate the idea that Kuki's not human anymore in a way that gets beyond surface-level. Unlike the child, for example, she hasn't lost her moral compass. What does it really mean for her to lose her humanity?

Some other odds and ends I enjoyed: Uxie hanging out in the library watching Cynthia was a fun cameo and I love the idea of Uxie as a patron saint of libraries, doling out inspiration and helping here and there in little ways to preserve and pass down knowledge. I also liked the distinction that Mew's genesis power doesn't really heal--it creates. She can make things new in only the most literal meaning of that phrase. In that sense her gift of life contains something of death, because it contains an end.

Training sequences can normally be a little boring, but I liked the focus on all the different ways Mew tries to help Kuki learn. I really got a sense of their bond through that. The ending of chapter five was solid and I'm looking forward to what you have in store for this one!

Line-by-lines are mostly typos/tense-issues and a few misc thoughts!

Spoiler: Line-by-lines

“Prepare to be vanquished, Lord Gengar!” Kuki cried, a cardboard sword in hand and wearing a squirtle costume with a papercraft hat.

‘So, you’ve made it this far, Explorer of Stuff and Things?’ Lord Genger said with a laugh.

Cute sequence! (Typo on Gengar)

Kuki roared and charged with her blade pointed outward. Mew Did the same, running at the girl with a grin. The two ran past each other as silence dawned upon them.

You've got "Did" capitalized by accident here. Not sure 'as' is the conjunction you want--makes the actions sound simultaneous when they seem to actually be sequential--they run past each other, then silence dawns?

Kuki looked too adorable saying it for her to bear.

Should be "bare"

She could feel the ice cream’s coldness through the bowl. While she was staring at the teal green colored dessert.

Random fragment here.

“Yeah!” Kuki exclaimed and stood up. “I want to be like those actors and be in my own movie. Did you know, when an actor takes a role it’s like they get to become someone else entirely than who they really are?”

‘Huh? Really?’

“Yeah! Even though it’s for a short time, they get to live in the same world as those characters and feel what they’re feeling. It sounds exciting, doesn’t it?”

‘Isn’t that pretty much what we already do in our plays?’

Kuki chuckled. “Well, sorta, but there’s a difference. When making a movie you need to have cameras, a director, actors, and a bunch of other stuff!” Kuki got up and pulled a book from a pile on their bedside drawer. “I read all about it in this book you got me!” The book was titled Movies in A Nutshell.

Interesting and bittersweet how Kuki's transformation in theory allows her to 'become someone else entirely' but even as it destroys her movie-making dream.

A large bird-like pokemon laid perched on the side of the lighthouse.

Should be "lay perched"

However, the more Mew used genesis on Kuki, the faster the cracks grew and spread. By the time Mew realized that, it was already too late, and Kuki’s body began to disintegrate into white dust.

Think you want "had begun to"

If Mersprit

Typo

Mersprit.

Typo again!

It was about time she swept the floor, changed the bedsheets and dusted the shelves in the room. She didn’t want Kuki finding dust everywhere when she returned.

I liked this moment Mew choosing to convert her hope into concrete action.

It would maintain a form for a fraction of a second before shifting to another, but Mew was able to recognize every one of those appearances. It was the forms of all the pokemon Mew had created.

ooh, very cool

"I'm already fourteen… I slept through my birthday!"

‘Well, sorta. That’s not all that happened though,’ she said, taking Kuki's paws in hers. "I'll tell you everything now, so listen carefully."

14, huh! I suppose it's not surprising she feels young with Mew as her only source of contact. 14 is into puberty time, though--often a time when people aren't loving how their bodies feel and look? Could be something to dig into more.

“Whoa! I haven’t been in one of your bubbles since I was like… five! I’ve missed this so much!”

‘Weren’t you always the one saying you could walk around on your own whenever I bubbled you?’ Mew asked with a hum.

Kuki’s turned the other way with flushed cheeks. “That was before. Besides, I can't walk right now anyway!”

Aw, this was a moment where Mew as parent and Kuki as her daughter really rings true.

“Let’s do it this way then! If I stop myself from falling into the bubble, I win! But if you catch me, you win!”

Mew clapped her paws and smiled. ‘Of course, it becomes much more fun if we turn it into a game! Let's add one more rule to spice things up. You only need to levitate by yourself once to win, okay? However, it's game over if I catch you in my bubble ten times, okay?’

Kuki balled her fist and punched the air. “Deal!”

Oh that's clever of Mew. She knows Kuki really well.

The stench of burnt ashes filled the air around the courtyard, and Kuki gasped when she found a burnt circular patch on the grassy field.

Kuki held her snout and scrunched up her face. “What the heck happened here?! The grass… it’s all ruined! Mew, did you use flamethrowers here or something?!”

‘Oops! I forgot to clean this place up. Stand back a little, Kuki.’ Mew shifted into a pidgeot and blasted the ashes away with a gust. She morphed back to her normal form and stuck her paw into the soil. A green wave radiated from her and reverberated back and forth across the field, sprouting a new grass bed until it completely blanketed the burnt area.

I loved how jarring this was! Would be cool if you leaned more into Mew's crazy powers and how chaotic they make life in other moments as well.

"Yay."

Kuki stared vacantly at the wall for the next few hours while Mew slept soundly behind her.

Aw poor thing. Good use of punctuation and actions here to convey Kuki's internality without actually entering her head.

That thought was cut short as soon as it came across her mind. She dropped the case and stared at her paws. Can she even still become a star? Did she even have to now that she's just like Mew?

The last two sentences should be in past tense. So, "Could she even still become a star? Did she even have to now that she was just like Mew?"

'I knew today would be the day you finally did it!' Mew chimed, clapping her paws.

“Really?” Kuki asked with a head tilt. She hovered down to the grass bed after a mild headache started tugging at her mind.

'Yup! I'm so proud of you, Kuki! Your abilities are progressing very well.' Mew circled around her with a smile. She doused Kuki with a yellow light and Kuki’s headache vanished almost instantly.

"Are we gonna do more training?" Kuki asked, a hit of reluctance in her voice.

‘Nuh-uh, you’ve earned a break for now,’ Mew replied with an apologetic smile.

Kuki smiled in relief and threw a paw up. “Yay! Learning telekinesis was so hard… I’m glad I don’t have to do it anymore.”

I'd recommend keeping an eye on the every line of dialogue paired with speech verb and gesture thing. In long stretches like this, it starts feeling a bit chunky and repetitive.

Mew giggled and waved her paw. 'Come on, I lost count ages ago. Just know that I've been around for a very long time.'

"Whoa…," Kuki said with starry eyes. "You're like… super ancient!"

'You could say that,' she said with a nervous laugh.

"Does that mean you're a super old granny?"

'What?! No! I'm not that kind of old old!'

Kuki stared blankly at her and then laughed. "I really don't get it, but I think it’s cool."

It's true--granny sort of implies generations, raising kids, seeing those kids grow up. Mew's outside that cycle. I do wonder what Kuki's frame of reference here is for old people.

Kuki never felt hunger anymore, but she never felt full either. The only upside is that she could keep eating food endlessly without actually needed to stop for any reason. She and Mew were more like snorlax in that regard.

Ooh, food loses the context of something that's necessary for life and becomes something purely enjoyed for pleasure.

It was almost scary how quickly it happened. But who cares? Kuki had six tails! And they were all fluffy when she hugged them together in her paws.

Should be "But who cared?" in past instead of present

What was going on? She sort of felt it before, but it was like all of her memories were shrouded in a blurred out filter. She could recall whole events, but it was as if she herself was never in any of them. Even when Kuki tried remembering her own face, nothing surfaced in her mind. It was like imagining a color that doesn’t exist.

Oh that's creepy.

(Last sentence should be fully in past, "It was like trying to imagine a color that didn't exist."

 

[Sike Saner]

The description of telekinesis as being like having extra arms makes me wonder if Kuki can feel the things she manipulates psychically almost as if she's touching them. That'd be a cool sense to have. You could psychically touch something to see if it's dangerous (e.g. a potentially-hot pot on the stove) without risking actual injury.

I wonder where Mew warped that bag to. Then again, it's made of leaves, right? So I suppose it doesn't matter all that much. :B

I liked Mew mentioning that humans aren't the only ones that can be b-holes. Always nice to see pokémon treated as individuals, as varying levels of flawed, instead of just one big perfect monolith that ONLY ever does bad things because they're ordered to.

Being human might be out of reach for her (at least for now), but I wonder if Kuki might have some success trying something like... infernape, maybe? Something else that has hands. Infernape, or hypno, or something like that. Something with opposable thumbs, and it might help to have the same kind of fingers. Of course, even "similar" isn't exactly "the same". There might still be some relearning to write in her future even if she takes that route.

 

[WildBoots]

Hi Adam! Wanted to come back and give your story some lovin since you’ve been reviewing so many people so tirelessly.

Kuki continues to be a cutie—ice cream! We finally learn a little bit more about her here, both her medical past and what she hopes for the future. I do wish we had an inkling or why Mew cared about her specifically so much. She’s really caring to an extreme here! It also makes me wonder how old Kuki is, an actual child or an older youth kept emotionally childlike by Mew’s interventions?

Part of the exchange made me wonder how often Kuki is left by herself. Sounds like she’s consuming A LOT of TV when Mew isn’t around. Might be nice to glimpse that? If not actually watching her watch TV (which could be boring), then a glimpse at the TV and Kuki’s pile of VHS tapes?

The last thing I found myself wondering about was what Mew’s natural habits and practices are like. We see her emulating humanness for Kuki, but I have to wonder what her standards would be if not for Kuki. Does she feel any impulses towards those instincts?

Spoiler: Line-by-line

“Prepare to be vanquished, Lord Gengar!” Kuki cried, a cardboard sword in hand and wearing a squirtle costume with a papercraft hat.

This is a really cute opener. Love the details.

Explorer of Stuff and Things

Dawww. (Heh heh, is her play PMD?)

To help Kuki immerse herself even more in their play, Mew even changed their surroundings with illusions to match the descriptions Kuki had written in their scripts.

This is interesting! I’d like a more drawn-out description of how Mew uses her illusions here. Might even be nice to do a “No, the moat is supposed to be on fire!” and Mew replies, “Ah, yes! Sorry!” And with a wave of her tail—etc. The idea that Kuki is writing scripts in interesting. She’s old enough to have planning ability!

Mew grinned and folded her arms.

Aww, she’s having fun, too.

Mew Did the same,

Typo.

The two ran past each other as silence dawned upon them.

I wasn’t sure what “as silence dawned on them” meant, and the action was unclear. Some of it is the “as” phrase. It makes it sound like two things are happening at once when I’m not convinced they are.

Kuki nodded, pointing her fist towards herself. “Of course, but you have to work hard for it. Everyone can change, and so can you!”

Mew couldn’t help but snicker at that line. It sounded so cheesy, and Kuki looked too adorable saying it for her to bear.

IDK if you have to qualify that it’s cheesy. Strikes me as ironic more than anything else!

Let’s go have some ice cream!’

“I don’t want any!”

Mew smiled slyly. ‘Are you sure? Not even a teeny bit? They’re even Lum berry flavored, you know.’

“They” is weird for ice cream. I’d use “it.”

Mew had brought the ice cream from the refrigerator

*Freezer

While she was staring at the teal green colored dessert.

Incomplete sentence feels weird here. I’m also not sure what this adds except the color, which you could include where Mew is scooping. (She dropped three teal green scoops into a bowl for Kuki.) I’m also wondering if Mew is using her paws for this or psychic abilities. I think the second is a little more fun for me.

‘If you could make your own ice cream flavors, what kinds would you make?’

“I would make… popsicles!”

‘Popsicles? Aren’t those different from ice cream? That isn’t even a flavor.’

Haha, I liked this exchange. They’re both kind of out of touch with Human Stuff.

We’re not getting an oven. It’s that thing that gets really hot, isn’t it? You’ll just end up getting hurt, and I wouldn’t want that,’ Mew said, folding her arms.

Woah, helicopter mew.

‘Are you sure? I can protect you if we’re using the oven together.’

This was kinda funny. Made me think they’re aren’t entirely sure what an oven is. It did also make me wonder if there isn’t a way Mew could bake with her powers? (Though probably that wouldn’t be satisfying to Kuki.)

Maybe I could even ask the people there if we can be part of a play!”

Hmm this was odd. It made me want a reaction from Mew—how hard does she have to work to maintain secrecy? How much does she worry about it?

The pitch-black feather, bearing red veins that coursed from its spine, belonged to none other than them!

I’m not sure why you dodge the name here after taking such pains to describe what can only be an Yvetal feather.

suggestion: A black feather fell on the kitchen floor. A pitch-black feather with red veins that coursed from its spine.

Mew gasped and lifted her head to meet Yvetal’s cold blue eyes.

We meet again, Firstborn, as we always do,’

A nice touch.

What came from their beak was a mismatch of several voices. It was as though they were making a sparse imitation of one.

I like the idea that it speaks with a jumble of voices! Not sure about “sparse imitation” though. If it has multiple voices, it’s not sparse and it’s not an imitation of a voice.

you are supposed to use your power of genesis only to restore what has been lost, after we are done collecting the fallen souls. Yet, you have been using it all on a human for the past two cycles. Outrageous!’

This was a little unclear. She’s supposed to restore “what has been lost” after Yvetal has collected souls? What does that mean? “Using it all” was also unclear. Maybe “wasting your energy/talents?”

she stabbed her needle-like arms into Kuki’s chest.

Woah, a rather unsettling image for a healing.

I know what will happen. I’ll give Kuki part of my power, her body will heal for a while, I’ll get to spend some more time with her, then you’ll rear your ugly head here and start blabbing nonstop again. Rinse and repeat.’

Might be nice to break this up with some body language. Angry cat tail swish?

just like I couldn’t save anyone back then. I’m sorry…’

Hm! Presumably we’ll find out more about this. It did feel intentionally vague rather than like real dialogue though.

I wondered why Mew just talked here instead of trying to use her powers to help?

Mew considered taking Kuki’s dress and burying it, as that was how humans took care of their deceased. Her girl deserved a proper burial after all.

This made me wonder what Mew’s typical rituals around death and grieving would be.

Cheers!

 

[Umbramatic]

Here for Catnip! Did Chapter 1

I only saw the old version of this fic,, so seeing the new version was interesting! I've noticed a lot is the same but the end... is very different. I am, curious and concerned about what that nightmare means and am assuming... you know what is paced differently.

One question I kinda have now I think about it: How old is Kuki? She talks more childishly or more-adultlike depending on the scene and it made me wonder, given she's been by herself withy Mew.

But it's good to see this fic going again. Hope to see more from it.

 

[cynsh]

Chapter 1:

Hi Adam! I think the biggest issue I have with this opening is that it takes a long time for there to be any sort of conflict. Stories thrive on conflict - that's why anything happens, right? But two-thirds (roughly) of the chapter is just Kuki and Mew playing and being happy. That's okay to an extent, but I can't say I have a great deal of patience for it. Sure there's that nasty farmer, but Mew steps in at the nick of time. Sure Kuki twisted her ankle, but Mew can heal her. In this sense I did at least appreciate the ominousness of the ending.

Maybe we can play croquette with the berries? No, playing with food is bad.

I like how this puts a different meaning on the phrase 'don't play with food' (normally playing in the sense of 'not eating when it's on your plate'). I think you mean 'croquet' however, unless the game with the berries involved these.

How about a game of tag, but we can only move one step at a time in turns…?

Slightly forced reference, but it's PMD so I don't care

She shrieked and face-planted onto the ground,

Not a fan of 'face-planted' as a verb. Feels very cartoony. 'Fell onto her face' would be fine.

Gravity pulled the girl down, causing her to twist her ankle.

'Gravity pulled her down' doesn't explain what's actually happening (i.e. Kuki jumping from the tree, I think?). Gravity is not a being itself that's pulled her to the ground.

her big blue eyes staring into the girl’s golden yellow eyes.

This gets the right information across, but it's clunky to read. You could rephrase it a little more... er, artistically, such as: 'Their eyes met, the girl's a golden yellow against Mew's blue.'

All color faded from Kuki’s face as she gulped. “Oh come on Mew, it's not like I'm made of glass or something. A twisted ankle is no biggie. I can stand up just fine. See?”

Kuki's defiant response here doesn't really match the dread that it suggests she's feeling by her gulp and colour draining from her face.

‘Oh, I apologize for that, Kuki. The things I often do away from here on my own are too dangerous for a delicate human like you, but when you get older and stronger I promise I’ll take you out on my adventures more often!’ Mew said, holding Kuki’s hand with her tiny paws after hovering to her.

I noticed a few paragraphs like this. When you have dialogue that's more than just a short sentence or two, it generally reads better to put the dialogue tag in the middle of the dialogue somewhere (e.g., at the end of the first sentence). I guess the main reason for that is it tells you quickly who it is that's speaking.

“The instructions were too complicated. I couldn’t follow them at all! There were like fold it like this, and like that. There were pictures, but they were no help,” Kuki said while drooping her shoulders.

Very relatable. Origami is pain 😖

She found herself sitting in a bright lumpy area that resembled cloud tops.

Another thing - sometimes you use two adjectives to describe something, in this case 'bright' and 'lumpy'. There needs to be a comma between them. Just how English works, sorry :(

Chapter 2:

Whoa. Massive mood shift in this chapter. While I'm certainly pleased that we're down into serious business, I found the contrast between this and the first chapter, as well as the start of this chapter, too strong. I think the main reason is not in the scenario itself, but the descriptions and words you chose. For example:

Kuki’s forehead was drenched in sweat, and blood was trickling from the corners of her mouth.

I dunno, something about this mental image of Kuki felt disproportionately dark compared to what had gone before. Like, the first chapter had felt a bit like a children's cartoon - this would not work in the same context.

“It brings me much distress to have to inform you of this, ma’am. It’s concerning your daughter… She has… cancer.”

It can feel strange to use the name of a real-world illness in a fantasy setting like yours. Especially when that has such dark implications as cancer. If it were me I would have called it 'a terminal illness' or something equally vague, which would lessen the sudden dark tones, I think.

Now that I'm aware of the premise, I think it's got a lot of potential! Mew keeps using her power to save one human she's attached to, when really they should have died some time ago. I do wonder if this could have been introduced in chapter 1, rather than have the nightmare which is, presumably, just foreshadowing for this moment here. If the nightmares have some extra significance, consider me mistaken - but I still like the meat of the plot to be introduced early.

On the characters. Kuki seems nice enough, but I wonder if there is something really special about her that is the reason for Mew continuing to prolong her life like this. So far, her behaviour has seemed pretty typical for a child. As for Mew, her childish attitude is strange considering she's like... a million years old or something. I know that's how Mew is often represented, but still, I'd like to know a bit more about why. I did appreciate her serious turn once Yveltal showed up. Yveltal seems a menacing grim-reaper type antagonist. I dig it

‘So, you’ve made it this far, Explorer of Stuff and Things?’ Lord Genger said with a laugh.

Wow, you'd think after the effort Kuki went to of writing a proper script for this thing, she could have at least come up with a more imaginative name. Smh

To help Kuki immerse herself even more in their play, Mew even changed their surroundings with illusions to match the descriptions Kuki had written in their scripts.

I really like this mental image

Mew had brought the ice cream from the refrigerator

I think you mean freezer, unless Kuki likes her ice cream in liquid form

“We could even try making an ice cream cake, like the one Candace and Roy had in The Roadrail!”

I noticed a couple of references like these to (presumably) fictional... works of fiction. Curious if that's something that will have plot implications, or if it's just to make the world feel more real. It still works if the latter is the case though.

‘Did you ask for an oven just so I’d spend more time with you?’

Hmm, doesn't Mew already spend every waking minute with Kuki? It seems that way so far.

Kuki shook her head. “No, it’s alright. My dream isn’t to become a baker anyway, but to become a star!”

‘Oh yeah, you mentioned something about that before, didn’t you?’ Mew asked, taking a large spoon out of her ice cream.

“Yeah!” Kuki exclaimed and stood up. “I want to be like those actors and be in my own movie. Did you know, when an actor takes a role it’s like they get to become someone else entirely than who they really are?”

Generally, you don't want a character saying, 'oh, what was that thing you were talking about that the audience don't know'? It comes off as a heavy-handed expository device. It would be better if Mew gave a more gently prompting question, e.g. 'oh, you mean be in a movie?'

She raised a brow when a lone black feather fell in front of the door before her. When she recognized it, her pulse quickened. The pitch-black feather, bearing red veins that coursed from its spine, belonged to none other than them!

Since the last sentence is purposefully not telling us who this them is, it would be better to cut it. That would also raise anticipation for the reader - why is Mew's pulse quickening? What does the feather mean?

“This is off the record, but maybe it'll bring you some consolation…

Not sure what is off the record here. Normally you say that before revealing something you don't want to be known publically.

‘I’m sure you’ll be a great star, Kuki. You’ll be the brightest one there is.’

Love this turn of phrase. Very cute.

Hope this gives you some help in the rewriting! Feel free to ask me any questions you've got :)

 

[TheCouchEffect]

Hello! I've been slowly working my way through the story index for Thousand Roads and started your story not long ago. Right off the bat, I just want to say that I love what you've written so far! When I read the first chapter, I assumed this would be a more easygoing and lighthearted story. Boy was I unprepared for the shift that happened in the following chapters.

I love the characterizations of everyone. Mew has the energy of a fun Mom with far more wisdom than you'd expect. Kuki is a fun character and her fascination with stories and acting is endearing, which makes what happens to her all the more tragic. Uxie is just fun to read, not much more to say than that. And Yveltal... I love what you've done with it. It's such a unique way to write for it!

I also love that you're taking the time to show Kuki struggling to accept her new reality of being a Pokemon. I have to wonder if this will cause any drama between her and Mew over losing her sense of identity.

Overall, this is a fun and enjoyable story! Nice job!